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2025-10-02
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2025-10-27
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7/?
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Not just fire anymore

Summary:

Kai is jealous of Cole and Geo. Took him a while to realize, but he loves Cole, but its a little too late. Kai seems to have less of a place on the team post-merge, no one seems to need him anymore. Along with that, he isn't over the monsters he faced in the land of monsters, and they are coming back to bite him, physically and emotionally...

(short version: kai angst)

Notes:

Hey! this is my first fan fic. Hope you like it!!
Updates every one to two days (hopefully)

Chapter 1

Chapter Text

Kai’s pov

Ch 1

The nightmares were bad. Every night I would be stuck back in the land of monsters. Forced to relive every little moment, the loneliness, being scared, lost, and just hoping that I will find the ninja because they need someone post-merge too. With all the ninja scattered, bringing them home was priority number 1, the world needed them. But aside from that, no one deserves to be lost and alone after the merge. He knew how it felt first hand. And now every night he would go and remember exactly how it felt all over again.

 

I woke up with a scream stuck in my throat, after remembering the fire mech's death. I didn’t fully scream though because I remembered that I was safe, in the monastery. Surrounded by friends.

 

Ha! What friends? My inner voice said. They’ve all moved on. Nya finally has Jay. She doesn’t need you anymore. Lloyd has students. But I also have a student, Wyldfire. She’ll be fine without you. Lloyd can easily handle one more student.

 

Zane has PIXAL. And Cole has… he has Geo and a whole family. Jealousy took over for a bit, but then it melted away into sadness. Because I couldn’t ruin that. I know how it felt to lose your family, and no matter what I feel for Cole I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror if I broke what they have. 

 

I grumbled. After that nightmare and those thoughts, sleep would obviously become impossible. So I didn’t bother, and stared at the ceiling for a long time, lost in thought. Numbness settled in, but tears actively tracked down my face. Too contradicting statements, but that's just the way my thoughts were tonight.

 

It could have been hours, or minutes , but the wake up gong shrilly ran through the house. I really don’t want to go to training. So I stare at the ceiling a bit more, asking impossible questions. How can I get rid of this jealousy?? Do they even want you around? How can I stop feeling this way?? Although I knew the answer to the last question, I wasn’t going to drink or do drugs before training. Or go back. Going back doesn't sound so bad…

 

Thankfully someone put an end to these thoughts. Lloyd busted in my room. “Kai! Can you help-” he cut himself off when he got a good look at my face. 

 

“Hey. Are you good?” He asked, giving me a long look over. Probably checking if anything was wrong

 

Everything is wrong, but I don’t say that. “Oh. Yeah. Yeah don’t worry I was just tired.” I say rubbing the tears out of my eyes and jumping off the bed. I quickly went into the bathroom, and called out “See you outside” as I quickly got ready. 

 

Warmups passed quickly. Nya didn’t stare too deeply which meant I hid the tear tracks well. Lloyd gave me a we needed to talk about why you were crying but I decided to ignore it. 

 

Since I won’t get to have Cole, the best thing I can do is get over it. I barely glanced over at him all of practice. Unfortunately, not looking doesn’t mean not thinking. Stop it Kai. It's not helping you. He loves someone else. Well, if that didn’t sober me up, nothing will. The real issue is being here because it means I have to see them actively together. Eating together, training together, kissing. The list goes on and on. 

 

It's not even like there's anything going on at the moment, no bad guy to fight,  so I don’t have a great excuse to not be there the whole day. Not like I need a very good excuse, I thought as Lloyd said to get into pairs. It's no one's business what I decide to do but my own…

 

I headed towards Zane, but unfortunately Cole got in my path. “Partners?” he asked. I nodded my head at the same time panicking profusely. Oh for fucks sake. I need to leave after this. Not one more second. 

 

“Ok great, you’re in pairs. Now, any guesses on what we are doing?” Lloyd asked.

 

“Sparring?” Nya answered dryly. “Lloyd, you do realise you ask the question every other day and the answer is always the same?” 

 

“Nya, if you would like to do better, be my guest.” Lloyd motioned her to come to the middle of the circle. 

 

She pretended to ponder the offer for a minute.“Actually, never mind. Keep at it Lloyd.” We all laughed, but it felt a bit empty on my end. Gotta get better at hiding your emotions Kai, I sighed to myself. It's hard even though I should be a pro with how many times I do it in a single day.

 

Sparring with Cole was the worst, not because I didn't like looking at him, or that he was a bad sparring partner, It was more to do with the fact that looking at him made me nervous and really jealous of Geo. Speak of the devil, he's sitting by the steps, yelling “Yeah Cole! You're awesome.”, “Wow, bet that one hurt huh Kai?”, ect. 

 

But at least he loves Cole, and that fact is painfully obvious when they stare into each other's eyes, pretending like they are the only people in the room. It's everything I can do to shut up and not look like I wish it was me in Geo’s spot.

 

I finally pin Cole down with a practiced couple of punches and kicks. “Good one” He says while trying to catch his breath. “It always is when it comes to us,” I say while I help him up to his feet, and for a moment, we are looking into each other's eyes and it is just unbearable to not be able to tell him how I feel. I cut the moment off by clearing my throat and walking inside the monastery.


I called back over my shoulder, “Keep at it, maybe you’ll beat me one day.” With a smirk that falls as soon as I enter my room, I start packing an overnight bag. Maybe one day Cole would have beat me. But that day wasn’t today, and it isn't going to be tomorrow. I think, slinging my back over my shoulder, and into the late morning sun.

Chapter 2

Summary:

Kai's back right where he started.

heavy angst this chapter hahaha

Notes:

Hey!! sorry this took a bit!
hope u like it!

Chapter Text

Kai’s pov

ch2

 

I thought that when I left the courtyard it would have looked like I went to get a glass of water. I was right, and I stayed right for about two hours. That's when my phone started ringing. A lot.

 

“Geez who’s phone is ringing so much? Keep it silent will ya?” I heard someone call out from the stands as I threw another punch. “Yeah. We are trying to watch the match here.”

 

Looks like I would have to end it soon, don’t want angry speculators on me for my ringing phone. I was dragging it on already, cause then I could ignore the guilt of not responding to their calls.

 

“Good match.” I said before walking off the mat. How on earth do I keep coming back to this place? First it was Zane’s death. I got money, I got drunk and I got to punch someone. I was lost in my grief. Why wasn’t I the one to die that day? Zane deserved to live. I never did. Yet I was the one standing, alive. Not even a scratch on me.

 

Lloyd pulled me out of this place the first time around, but once you're in the tug of grief, you never really leave. You only realize that you never actually left until someone dies again.

 

The next was Nya’s death. I had dedicated my whole life for the amazing person that Nya is, to be their for her no matter what, and then she sacrificed herself for the world. 

 

She was my world though. 

 

I still have nightmares about it. I'm still eternally grateful every time I see her, so happy that my sister wasn’t permanently taken from me.

 

Truly, what is with the sacrificing? I thought. It's really not as selfless as people seem to believe. It's the people who are left behind who suffer the most. A stupid thought, I know, but looking back, there might have been some truth to it.

 

Then, the most recent one. The one that still hurts. The one I never had the time to truly grieve. The one who stuck with me, even when we hadn't had time to talk in months. The one who was to become my fiance. My future wife. The love of my life.

 

Skylor.

 

Just as broken as I was, we became whole together. And then, just the day before the merge, she collapsed. Alive one instance, dead the next. By the time someone found her, it was too late. I was again left to pick up the broken pieces of my heart. The others don’t know, I don’t know if they even remember with all that's been going on, that Skylor hasn't been seen or heard from in 5 years.

 

Because she’s dead. She won’t ever talk again. Laugh again. Live again.

 

Of course, it's been a couple of years. I've had time to make peace with it, not to be OK with it, but to accept the fact that people can just leave your life in the blink of an eye, and it really sucks every single time.

 

I sucked when my parents left, and it sucks now. Although I'm not grieving a person right now. Now? I am grieving for me and Cole because I clearly have to let it go. I can’t go on like this. I can’t break up a family, possibly the whole ninja team because I love Cole. The admission hurts my chest. But I ripped off the bandage, even if it was only to myself.

 

“Uh, hello? Do you want a shot or not?” A voice broke my chain of thoughts, chaining me to the present. “Yeah. I do.” I reply, finally taking a glance at my phone. Missed calls from Nya, Lloyd, everyone really. Even Cole. In fact he’s the most recent one. 

 

I know I shouldn’t, but I decided to hear his voice mail. “Hey Kai. Where are you? I am really sorry if I did something to make you leave for a bit. Please reply when you can. Stay safe.” I sigh. Classic Cole, always worried he messed up. I decided they shouldn't be worried about me, there wasn’t any use. 

 

‘Hey. I’m fine. Won’t be joining for patrol tonight, sorry. Don’t wait for me.’ I sent it to groupchat. Immediately the chat starts blowing up, but I decide to silence my phone. It’s too much explaining to tell them where I am planning to go, and besides, I can already hear the faint beat of her wings. 

 

I quickly down the shot, and leave some money on the table before walking out. Can’t keep her waiting too long, it’ll scare the civilians. She lands, and I instantly don’t feel as alone. We can be in our grief together.

 

I give her a smirk.

 

 “Hello Daiden.”

Chapter 3

Notes:

So much shorter than usual but dw it just means the next update will be in like another day!

Nyas pov this ch, next ch Lloyd’s and surprise-ish!

After that we will be going back too Kai baby so don’t worry!

Chapter Text

Nya’s pov

Ch 3

I noticed Kai was off at warm ups. He was a bit late, and was he crying? I thought I saw tear marks on his face, but I didn't want to say anything in front of everyone, who were too wrapped  up in their thoughts to notice. 

 

I knew something was wrong, and lately he’d been sneaking out once a week, sometimes even more. I just don’t get it. Is it what he went though after the merge? A break up? Maybe it was a   mix between the two. I just wish he would tell me. Usually when I notice him sneaking out, I thought to give him space, but space clearly hasn’t worked. 

 

So I took matters into my own hands. After sparring, and Kai going inside the monastery, I took aside Lloyd. “Have you noticed Kai lately?” I whispered. Lloyd gave a nod, and said “He was crying this morning I think, but I didn’t get a good look at his face.”. So he was crying. I take a deep breath and begin: “I know this is wrong but I placed a tracker in his backpack and ninja suit. I noticed him sneaking out. I know, I know its a violation of his privacy, but this has gone on long enough.”

 

I fear that theres a breaking point for Kai, for whatever he’s carrying to break him. Lloyd is silent for a second, and then whispers “Nya, you did the right thing. Now let's go find out what’s really going on.”. 

 

But before we can walk inside the monastery and get ready, someone else calls out. “Wait up! I noticed it too, and I am getting worried. It's not our Kai. Can I come along?”. Guess we weren't as quiet as we thought.

Chapter 4

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Ch 5

Lloyd pov:

 

Me, Nya, and Cole, who overheard us, followed the tracker. It was a strange route. Where on earth could Kai be going in the slums of Ninjago city?. But then the tracker finally stopped moving, and we were able to pin Kai down. For them Kai was at unfamiliar fighting pit plus a bar. But for me… holy crap

 

There’s no way. There’s no way. Why in the merged lands is Kai back here? It’s been years. I thought he was over this. Clearly not I guess. I just don’t get it. Why would he want to get in a fight? We fight more than enough at the monestary. And he doesn’t need to come here to get grape juice. He can go to the grocery store. 

 

I watch Kai throw a punch. I watch him get punched and that's when I realise. My stomach does a couple of flips. “Oh god.” I whisper. “What?? What do you know, Lloyd??” Nya starts shaking me but it’s like I’m in a trance. Eight years later, right back here. But eight years ago I didn’t know what Kai was actually drinking. I was too young to know what this type of drink the bar served.

 

Alcohol. He was drunk that day.

 

‘It should have been me’ I remember his words from all those years ago. I thought he wanted to be the hero. I called him selfish. But he was drunk and looking back… he meant he thought he should have been the one that died. And I called him selfish for it. 

 

My legs feel like jelly with the weight of guilt dropping on me. The world feels so much clearer with the realization yet its blurry cause tears are starting to form in my eyes. “This isn’t the first time Kai has been here,” I say. Nya and Cole give me a confused look, so I clear my throat and continue. “He uh, was here after Zane’s sacrifice too.” 

 

I shuffle my feet to distract myself from the silence that comes because Nya and Cole are staring at me.

 

“WHAT?” Nya finally breaks out of her trance. “That’s… it’s been so long… has he been hurting for that long?” Her face is unreadable, but I think it looks a bit fearful. I thought he was ok, I didn’t think he would ever come back here I thought. 

 

“ Wait.” Cole gives me a confused look. “This isn’t some joke right? You didn't tell us, WHY exactly?” Cole’s voice is raised, but like Cole is, he grounds himself, turning back to watch Kai almost finish the match. 

 

“We just moved on once Zane was back. I didn’t realise Kai was, clearly, still hurting about it”. I sigh. “No.” Nya shakes her head. “ Kai isn’t hurting about Zane. But he’s been hurting for a while, maybe about something else.”.

 

 For eight years, whenever he’s been grieving he’s come here, got punched and got drunk. And we didn’t do shit about it. The unsaid words hang between us, as we turn our heads back to Kai, who finally stopped dragging on the match and ended it with a win. Cole pulls out his phone. 

 

“ Maybe since he’s out of the match now, he’ll pick up. And explain.” Cole said nervously, it was pretty out of character for him. He’s solid, calm. This Cole is one we don’t get to see a lot, the one panicking, and throwing his hands in the air when Kai still doesn’t pick up. 

 

We hear it before we see it. Loud wingbeats, dragon wingbeats, coming here? Kai nonchalantly walks out the bar’s doors, like he hasn’t just had a shot, and we scramble to get out of sight. Kai doesn’t seem to notice us though.

 

He’s too busy getting on the unknown dragons back.

“Hello daiden”. Well it looks like it is a known dragon.

Just not to us.

Notes:

next is Cole!! hope you liked this chapter.

I always thought it was sad that Lloyd called Kai selfish...

Chapter 5

Summary:

cole pov! cole and geo drama?

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Ch 6

Cole’s POV

 

“ Ugh Cole. You have got to be kidding me.” Geo stared daggers at me as I finished packing my bag. “Huh?” I say absentmindly. I start to walk to the door of our bedroom, but he blocks me.

“No Cole. We had plans. It was movie night.”.  Movie night? But Kai… Kai…

The look I give him must be one filled with confusion. “ You’re really going to ditch your boyfriend for one of the ninja?” he huffs. “Yeah. Wow. Ok.” he continues. “Typical Cole.”.  My mouth is probably hanging. wild open.

What does he mean??  Typical Cole? “ You didn’t say anything when I went to find the other ninja for a bit, what's your issue now?” I ask. Geo sighs like he’s been holding it in. “Movie night. You promised”.

I give him a skeptic look. No way movie night is more important than finding one of my best friends. “Fine Cole, you wanna know the truth? You really wanna know why I don't want you going to find Kai?".  I nod so he continues.

"It’s because Kai likes you. He wants you.” He looks near the verge of tears, so I bring him into a hug. 

“Geo, it's been ages since I liked Kai. I really shouldn’t have told you that. And I am pretty sure he’s straight so you should stop worrying. There won’t ever be anything between me and Kai. I love you too much.”.

Geo pulls back and looks me dead in the eyes. “So you’ll stay with me and not go find him?” He has so much hope that I almost say yes, but then I remember that Kai wouldn’t hesitate to look for me, so I muster up the courage.

“No Geo, he’s one of my best friends and he needs me right now. I love you, though. This doesn’t change that. In fact I don’t think anything could”. 

 

 Please understand. Don’t make me choose.

 

“Fine. Go on then.” He practically shoves me out the door. “If you're not back in time for the movie the rest of your family won’t be waiting for you.”

My  eyes are starting to water so I hurry into the hallway because if I hear another word Geo says, I’m going to cry. I can’t choose. But Kai needs me right now. 

 

“Cole! Earth to Cole?”. Nya shakes me from my trance.

“Hmm? What's up?” I say. Nya gives me an exasperated look.

“Really? Were you just not listening this entire time?”

I give her a sheepish smile. “No sorry. I was thinking about the argument me and Geo had this morning.” 

“Oh yeah, that. I get it. That was not fair of Geo to ask you to choose.”

How on earth does Nya know?  She must see my expression because she continues, “ Yeah you both weren’t very quiet about it..” her voice trails off.

“It'll be ok.” I say it more for myself than her. I really hope the rest of the finders didn’t hear. I don’t want them to think I just abandoned them. I love them all. Even Geo, though he was a jerk

“Anyway,” Nya continues, “I was trying to ask you if you could guess where Kai’s going? Or where on earth we are now?”

I peer down from the deck of the bounty, into an endless stretch of sea. We’ve been following Kai for an hour, but he’s been going into seemingly the middle of nowhere.

“I’ve never been to this part of the merged lands. Well, merged ocean. What is Kai trying to do in the middle of the sea?”

At this Nya laughs, saying “Hopefully he’s getting over all of that water fear!” and now we are both laughing. It hurts to laugh after my argument with Geo, but I put on that half-real smile anyway. If Kai has felt like that for years…

 

After a couple of minutes, Lloyd runs down from the upper deck of the bounty. “Guys! I think I know where Kai is going!” Me and Nya give him hopeful expressions, and he continues. “There’s land up ahead! But it doesn’t show up on any of the maps we have

That last part makes sense, no one’s had time to map out the ever-changing merged lands, so most maps we have aren’t accurate. The destiny’s bounty nears the island, and what I see nearly makes me faint.

A huge monster, practically hugging a mountain, stands overlooking the island. And it doesn’t look happy.

Neither do any of the other monsters that we see just by looking down from this height. Oh first spinjitzu master, how many are there, these are just the ones we can see. This won't be fun.

 

What business does Kai have in this land filled with monsters? Kai isn’t insane. It could kill him! Or maybe that's what he wants…

The thought sends shivers up my spine. I’m too much of a coward to voice it out loud, but Nya was right back in the courtyard.

 

How much pain can someone hold before it breaks them?

Notes:

if u didnt get it they are on the ship, cole was lost in his thoughts abt his fight with geo, and thoughts occur hahaha.

Chapter 6

Summary:

kai and daiden. just chilling. kind of...
small chapter srryyyy

Chapter Text

Kai’s POV

 ch 4

The land of monsters was just the same as the last time I had been there, which was only last week. Even though I escaped a couple months ago, me and Daidan decided to try and help anyone else stuck or lost there. We could have used the help ourselves.

 

When I was stuck there, I was so scared. Every turn something could have killed me, and that hasn’t changed throughout our visits back here. But the scary part?

 

Im not scared of the monsters coming for my life. I hope they succeed, cause im too much of a coward to kill myself intentionally. Right? Maybe not…

Really, if I accidentally go out, then no one blames themselves. Accidents happen, they'll all move on. Even Nya and Lloyd, life will keep them too busy to think about me, and theyll eventually get past the pain.

 

“Ninja! Watch out!” Daidan calls out at me. I duck just as the monster-plant would have hit me, and then I cut it off. “Well, that's taken care of,” I say. Daidan gives me a look. 

“You know with the amount of times you want to come here it's like you have a death wish.” Daidan comments. I look away and whisper, “yeah well there's not a lot going on in my life anyway. And the things that are going on in my life just hurt so…”

Daidan tilts her head as if to say go on, so I oblige. “I worked so hard to get out of here to see them again. For things to go back to the way it was. But everything's changed, and they don't need me anymore.” 

 

“The Kai I know wouldn’t give up. They do need you, maybe not as profoundly as before, but they are your family. They will need you for more than just ninja stuff.” She lectures.

I look up at her and say “The Kai you knew wasn’t in love with someone who was taken. The Kai you knew had a family that didn’t feel like it was splitting apart.”

“Im sorry ninja”

 

We worked in a comfortable silence for a while then, cutting though the thick foliage. Looking at Daidan, I remember when I stopped her from killing that egg, all those months ago. She didn’t keep her grief locked in. She let it out, even if it was through the thirst of revenge. But there’s no one to get revenge on in my case. No one caused Skylor to die. And Cole wanted Geo, getting revenge on him won’t help. 

 

Would it? 

 

No, I shake my head mentally. I would rather die than become the monster who destroys a family. 

 

I would rather die than live like this.

 

The sun starts to set. I look back at Daidan and ask “Does it still hurt? Losing your child?” she looks at me and snorts.

“I would think that a Ninja would be perceptive. But to answer your question, yes all the time. The pain only dulls because its constant. You get used to it.”

 

Wouldn't I know that feeling?

 

“Do you believe in an afterlife?” 

“No. If your asking whether you should kill yourself to see those you lost, the answer is no.”

“I hope there's no afterlife. This life sucks enough. They deserve peace.” I sigh. I'm so tired. So, so tired.

 

 

“We must get back. It's getting dark and it's too dangerous to be here.” I nod in response, but I catch some movement from the corner of my eye. Hold on… Is someone watching us?

 

“Daidan.” I mutter under my breath. “Don’t look now, but I think someone's spying on us.” Daidan still looks in the direction of the movement. Or sniffs is the right word.

“They seem human. Maybe they need help like the ones last week.”. I let out a breath. Right, they are just lost. 

 

But in my gut, I have a sinking feeling that whomever it is, they aren’t lost.

 

I tiptoe over to them, but they must notice me, because they sprint off. I caught a glimpse of them. All blue clothing. Huh. That feels strangely familiar. 

 

I sigh as I swing my pack over my shoulders, and get on Daidan. The Land of Monsters grows smaller and smaller as we fly away.

 

Another trip here, and I still haven't been taken out. It's miraculous, but I really wonder…

 

How many visits before I'm finished? Why can’t it finish me off already?

Chapter 7

Summary:

shorter than usual srryyyy
trigger warnings is at the chapter note at the end.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Ch 7 Nya’s pov

What. the. FUCK? 

 

My head spins from overhearing the conversation between ‘Daidan’ and Kai. I barely stumble onto the bounty, Lloyd catching me in his arms. It was never that bad. It was never that bad. Right? RIGHT? 

 

Then why did Daidan tell Kai suiciding wasn’t the answer. That means Kai was thinking about suicide. No . Not thinking. Talking about suicide to Daidan.  Is he really considering it?

 

Oh FSM. No. No. NO. This has got to be a sick joke from Kai. Right?

 

My mind can’t comprehend a world without Kai, even though he’s currently still in it. He might not be in it for much longer. The thought makes me want to vomit, the idea of looking at my brother's dead body. 

 

“Nya! Are you ok? What happened?” Lloyd asks with concern in his eyes. Cole comes running to us the minute he sees me staggering around. “Nya? What happened? Are you poisoned?” He gives a lookover, probably checking for injuries. Then he sees my face. Both of them do.

The color drains from their faces.

 

“Did Kai think you were a monster and hurt you?” I stepped out of my trance. “What? No, of course not.” Hurt me? Yes. Physically? No. The pain is from imagining my brother dead. Although I'm glad I heard what he said. If I didn’t, I wouldn't be able to help him.

 

 Wait.

 

How on earth can I help him when I don’t even know why he feels this way?

The panic is back. Is it too late? Is there anything I can even do?

 

“Nya. Deep breaths. What happened? What did you hear?” Cole's voice was a steady anchor back to the present. I took a shaky breath, and repeated what I heard. By the end, the color has drained from their faces, and now they are shaking too.

 

“But why? Why? Why?” Lloyd shook his head. “Maybe the dragon thought Kai wanted to suiside but the assumption was wrong?” Cole muses, but I know he doesn’t buy it himself. I throw my head back and start laughing hysterically. I laugh because this has got to be some cruel, cruel prank. My stomach hurts from all the laughing, and then it hits me.

 

Kai doesn’t even know we are here, how could he prank us?

Besides, his pranks aren’t this cruel. This is real.

 

I sober myself up. Lloyd and Cole didn’t notice my burst of hysterics, otherwise they would have been very confused on why I was laughing. 

 

Get it together Nya. Kai has been there for you everyday. Get. It . Together. 

 

“Come on guys. We need to beat Kai back home. He’ll wonder where we are otherwise.” I say. Lloyd looks at me, unshed tears shining in his eyes. Cole’s even worse, the tears are already flowing.

 

“If we can’t get home first, would it be too late?”

Notes:

TW: suicide mentions.
btw that would probably be applicable for all chapters in this work hahaha srry i forgot to add the warning.
youve been warned!

hope u liked it!