Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Katsuki never doubted he was good. If it was because everyone told him constantly or because he always knew from a very young age, no one knows. But the truth is, he always was. He was good at sports, he was good at school, he was good at playing any and every instrument, he was good at solving problems, and most importantly, he was good at saving people and beating villains. That was the true purpose of his life, being a hero.

He never thought that, at the ripe age of 24, that dream would finally die.

Now that he is no longer a hero, Katsuki doesn’t know what to do with himself. It was all that he ever wanted. To be a hero, to fight villains, to be stronger than All Might himself. And he worked hard for it. He was even the top 2 hero, for God’s sake! He worked day and night training hard, got into the most prestigious hero high school in Japan, worked alongside All Might and Endeavor and still, that wasn’t enough.

So here he is. The beloved Japan hero, retired early, with more time in his hands than he’d care to admit.

When did it all go wrong?

And that’s how our Katsuki got to walk the streets aimlessly, with nowhere to go and no one to meet. He, of course, had friends. He had Kirishima, Denki, Sero and Mina. Occasionally he could also speak with Todoroki without a vein in his neck exploding. And he had his family. But he couldn’t speak with anyone. His friends were always working, saving the country, and honestly, lately, every time they saw him all he could see in their eyes was pity. And that infuriated him even more. So no, he couldn’t deal with them. And his mom was driving him crazy, saying how happy she was that he is now not putting himself in danger everyday and that he should go work with them so the business can be passed on to him. She was driving him crazy. It’s only been two months since he officially retired, calm down!

His father is the only person who he could talk to without feeling suffocated these days, but the thought of only being able to speak with him properly was, in itself, suffocating, so Katsuki went to his good old ways of isolation.

But isolation can be lonely, especially when you are not used to it anymore.

The library was just around the corner, so he decided to see if any book there would interest him. He would not take the book home, but, if he enjoyed it, he’d buy it later. He believes that, since he has money, it’s not worth it to possibly be taking a book home that someone might want to read but can’t buy. So he went, to see if he could pick a hobby and stick to it.

Although it was 4 in the afternoon, the library was not empty. A good number of tables were booked and there were a few people on the shelves looking at the books. After some consideration, Katsuki decided to check the contemporary section in hopes that a title would catch his attention.

What caught his attention, though, was something far different. A few feet in front of him was a man completely immersed in his own head, looking at the different books, hoping to find the one he was looking for and taking it home.

Katsuki would recognize those green curls anywhere.

Almost as if sensing Katsuki’s eyes on him, the green haired man turned around locking eyes with him.

“Katsuki?” Oh, when did he stop calling me Kacchan?

“Hey, Deku” Answered the blond, wanting to slap himself instantly. Why did he call him that? The demeanor of the man in front of him shifted instantly. In the beginning he was surprised, laid back, but now, with his back straighter and his arms rigid on his side, he looked way more defensive. That fucking nickname.

He grew up quite beautifully. He now clearly goes to the gym, and his hair is more tamed, not like the wild curls he had in middle school. He also got taller. His voice deeper. And somehow, he has more freckles than ever.

“If I was in front of the shelf you wanted to see, I’m sorry. I’m leaving now, so please.” Izuku Midoriya, not Deku, stepped away, motioning to the place he just was and started to leave without saying anything else.

“Could you please help me?” Katsuki blurted, without even thinking. What the fuck am I doing? But he knew exactly what he was doing. He just didn’t know why he felt the need to speak with Izuku, of all people, for at least one more minute. He craved human interaction. Izuku just happened to be here when he needed it. That’s all.

“Of course. What can I help you with?” He sounded so polite. Almost like he just met him. Like they didn’t know each other for over 20 years. Like they didn’t use to spend every waking moment of every waking day together. Before Katsuki fucked it up.

“Do you work here? I wanted to read a good book, but I don’t know which one to pick and I remember you loved to read, so I figured you must know some.” The words shot out of his mouth. Probably the longest phrase he ever said to the other man in over 15 years. But he can’t stop himself. A slight feeling of warmth creeped out on his chest, but he buried it as fast as it appeared.

“I don’t work here, no. But if you want a good book, you can read Circe. You always liked Greek Mythology, so it might interest you.” He said, giving him a polite smile and walking away without any book with him, leaving Katsuki alone again. Who would have thought that the first time Katsuki spoke with a person in more than a week would be with his ex-best friend. After a few seconds to recompose himself, he looked for the book the green haired man recommended to him in the library to get the name of the author and wrote it on his notes app before leaving too.

On the walk home, Katsuki couldn’t stop thinking about Izuku. The man was so different from what he used to be. He is not just that defenseless quirk less little nerd anymore. He also didn’t seem happy to see Katsuki like he was before, even when the blond was mean to him.

He kind of looked like he wanted to stop interacting with him as soon as possible, to be honest.

Never did Katsuki think, in his life, that Deku would be on his mind constantly ever since that day.

As soon as he got home, the former hero got his laptop and ordered the book online.

                                                                                                                    *****

Izuku’s mom always taught him to be kind and generous, to help others in need. As he grew older, he began to doubt his mother’s preaching, but in the end, she was right. There is no need to make someone else’s life harder. And that is the reason why Izuku is kind to everyone, no exception. Or at least he tries his best.

Izuku didn’t think he’d walk into anyone he knew at the library at that time, much less his former best friend and bully Katsuki Bakugo.

Life always did have a twisted sense of humor.

The shock of seeing the former pro-hero Dynamight was something he was not prepared for in the slightest. And he was lucky that he was able to call him Katsuki. It would be even worse if the name Kacchan slipped off his mouth.

To be truthful, it was a challenge to stop calling him Kacchan, but he tried. After telling him to take a swan dive off the roof, Izuku felt like their relationship hit a point of no return. He kept being hopeful whilst it was only a few hurtful words and kicks in the stomach, but after staying on that roof for hours contemplating what his supposed best friend told him, he knew there was no coming back for them.

And when U.A., his dream school, wouldn’t let him take the entrance exam for being quirkless, Izuku hit the rock bottom. He lost his dream, the possibility to meet his hero who was teaching that year, and his best friend. He had nothing.

So, when meeting with Auntie Mitsuki and Uncle Masaru, he made sure he addressed their son as Katsuki. No more childhood nicknames. No one understood this, especially paired with the fact that Izuku only went to visit them with his mom when Katsuki wasn’t home. They didn’t know anything that had gone down between their children because the school didn’t care about a little quirkless boy when they had a diamond on their hands and Izuku would never say anything in hopes they could reconnect.

But now, Katsuki Bakugo looks different. His characteristic smirk is gone. He has lost a lot of weight since the last time he saw him on TV. The dark circles under his eyes are concerning. But the worst part is his voice. Before, he used to scream and yell at the top of his lungs. Now it was raspier, as if he hadn’t talked in weeks, and so small you had to pay attention to hear him. Sure, they were in a library, but the Katsuki that Izuku knows so well, even after all this time, would not have cared about it.

He got seriously concerned about Katsuki, until the word Deku escaped his lips. Ah, there it is. And the mask got up again, making sure he looked kind and helping, even though inside he just wanted to scream and escape as soon as possible. How the fuck is it fair for you to bully me and still be a hero? Ah, right, you are not one anymore.

As I said, life has a twisted sense of humor.

Chapter Text

A week has passed since Katsuki met Izuku at the library, and so, it has been a week since Katsuki can’t take the green-eyed boy off his head. It has also been a week since he left home or answered any of his texts. Not that there’s lots of them. It looks like people lost interest in him the moment he stepped down of his role as a hero.

The book came three days later, and Katsuki finished it within a day. As always, the nerd was right and knows exactly what he likes. Even after all these years.

This revelation left him a bit restless. He wants to meet with Izuku again. Wants to reconnect, to ask him what he’s been doing, how’s everything. It became painfully obvious that blond knew nothing about Izuku when he didn’t even know where he worked. He could always ask his parents, but that would be too much to bear. Too many questions about why now and what happened.

So, ever since Katsuki finished his book, he’s been thinking of going to the library to see if they could meet again and use the excuse of needing another recommendation to talk to the man.

Don’t get him wrong, it’s not like he enjoys Izuku’s company! He barely knows the man! He could have murdered his entire family for all he knows!

But he didn’t look at him with pity in his eyes. He was the first person to just see him, not the accident, not the news. Him. Granted, he also looked at him hollowly after the Deku slip up, with a fake smile that couldn’t reach his eyes, like an overworked employer speaking with a client. But at least it wasn’t pity.

Katsuki is sitting on his black sofa when his bell rings. He owns his own home. A present from his parents when he graduated from the U.A. They thought it would be good for him to live alone because he had not lived with them for 3 years and both the mother and son have quite a hot temper, so it was best to keep them a bit separated. Funnily enough, that’s how their relationship got better, in the end. The house is not huge, but now more than ever, it feels too big for just one person. Too empty.

The house consists of one suite with a small walk-in closet where he keeps his hero suit, now completely torn to shreds, and an extra in case it got destroyed, which it did. Not that he’d need it now anyway. It also has a guest room, though he barely let anyone sleep in there, a bathroom, a spacious living room and, the most important part, a good kitchen. Katsuki always loved to cook delicious and nutritive meals. Well, not anymore, but that statement was true for the last 15 years. Now he has barely entered the kitchen, or anywhere, really, that is not his bedroom or the living room, to go straight to the sofa. 

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

But just because the house sometimes feels empty, it doesn’t mean that he wants company right now. Including from his best friend. But, of course, Eijiro Kirishima doesn’t give up until Katsuki opens the door with a scowl on his face.

“Hey man, what took you so long to open?” Eijiro says as he’s walking inside the door, patting his best friend on the back and going straight to the kitchen with his takeout bags. He eats a lot, but clearly also brought food for Katsuki.

“I wasn’t going to open, but you’re a persistent fucker.” The blond man says following him. He takes only a plate from the cabinet, along with a cup and cutlery for one, and gives it to Kirishima. He’s not hungry despite not having eaten the entire day. The red head looks at him sadly but doesn’t force him. He bought Mapo Tofu, one of Katsuki’s favorites, despite not loving it himself. Katsuki knows he’ll leave the leftovers for when he is hungry. They are probably going to end up in the trash, though he’ll never tell that to his best friend.

They sit in silence on the sofa, and he throws Eijiro the tv remote for him to pick a movie. This is why he likes Ei the most. He knows when to be quiet and when to joke around.

They haven’t joked around for months now.

By the end of the movie, Katsuki can feel his eyes fighting to stay open. Eijiro notices, obviously, and takes his plate to the kitchen, washing it and drying it, alongside his cutlery and cup, leaving the leftovers on the fridge. When he finishes, he joins the blond, sitting closer than he was. Very close. Way too close.

Fuck, there’s that look again

“When are we going to talk about it, man?” He speaks so softly it almost seems like he’s speaking to a scared child. What Katsuki learned a long time ago is that his best friend might not have been the smartest at school, but he was always the smart one when it came to dealing with people, especially him. And he knows damn well that if you want to make Bakugo talk about his feelings or whatever, the best time is when he is sleepy. He’s more sincere. Less snappy.

“There’s nothing to talk about. Please leave.”

“C’mon man, you have to do something or at least speak with someone! Please, I barely recognize you. You are my best friend! I care about you!”

“I’m not going to tell you again. Leave now or I won’t open that fucking door to you ever again. And you know better than to try me” It was true, Eijiro knew better than to try him. And he also knew that you must lose a few battles to win the war. But the fact that his best friend said that in a monotone voice, not raising it, not showing his passion left him more scared than ever. Especially because he knows that if he did not leave, in the state that Katsuki was, he would keep his word even more fiercely than if he had just yelled at him.

It broke his heart to leave that house and leave his best friend when it’s obvious that he needs someone. But he knows it’s best not to force Katsuki. Give him time until he feels comfortable enough to tell anyone what happened.

He just hopes he can get his best friend back quickly.

Chapter Text

Life found Katsuki thinking about the same green-eyed man for one more day, before he decided to go to the library again. Not that he was hoping on seeing him again! Not at all! He last saw him on a Wednesday afternoon at 4pm. Now, he was going to go to the library on Thursday at 4:30 pm. Which is very different! Besides, to be at the library at that time, the man must have been on vacation since most people leave their job at 5 or 6, and the vacation probably ended at the end of the week.

The book Izuku recommended was great. He really liked it. The feminist point of view on the retelling of the myth, mixed with a poetic writing and the exploration of her power and isolation made the book a beautiful journey one could not forget. It was the first time he enjoyed something in months, and it came from the nerd. Maybe reading was the hobby he so desperately needed to get out of the slump his life became.

Or maybe it was just the human interaction that came with it.

Still, his mind was a jungled mess. He is positive Izuku still harbors some not-so-great feelings about him. Fair, I mean, I made his life hell. So, for Izuku’s sake, he really hoped they wouldn’t bump into each other again. The way all his muscles tensed the first time Katsuki spoke with him told the blond everything he needed to know. The anger and resentment are still there, not easily forgotten.

Katsuki changed a lot in high school, thanks to Eijiro and his other friends. But especially Eijiro. The red head helped him get in touch with his feelings, and try to express them in something other than anger, which is all he had known at the time. His mother is the exact same way as he was. Plus, everyone worshiped the ground he walked on, even when he was a rude piece of shit to them, so he had no reason to change or believe he was wrong sometimes. I mean, just look at Deku! No matter how hard he kicked and punched him or how harsh his words were, the little freckled guy was always around him. He only stopped when they changed schools.

He has come a long way in ten years. His mom never could, which makes him feel even more proud of himself. Still, he’s not perfect. Stressful situations, as an example, trigger his first reflex, which is to be aggressive, yelling at everyone and everything. But now, he knows he can feel other things and can recognize those feelings most of the time. He can express himself in other ways. Speak more carefully. Be more mindful of those around him. Actually have a good time.

That’s it. I’m going now and he won’t be there, and I’ll be able to choose my own next book. I can do this.

Picking a jacket out of the closet, he gets out of the house and decides to walk there. It’s a 15-minute walk from his house to the library, which gives him time to think about what he might like to read now. Perhaps a classic? Or maybe a fantasy book? Does that author have another book?

There were a few people on the street, but thankfully no one recognized him since he’s got his hood over his head. And that’s good, because he does not know if he could deal with other people right now.

The problem with isolation, besides loneliness, is the difficulty of being around people again. Too much noise, too many faces, too many things overstimulating him. And when someone is vulnerable, everything feels like it’s multiplied by ten. It’s hard enough for him to leave the house as it is. He wouldn’t be able to leave again soon if people started surrounding him and asked questions he doesn’t want to answer.

It took him 2 and a half months to leave the house for the first time. He can’t even imagine how long it’d take if something were to happen.

He saw the library building sooner than he expected. Unlike what he thought would happen, the journey was quite peaceful, allowing him to relax.

He got up the marble stairs and entered the library, nodding to the half-man-half-raven librarian working there. It reminded him of Tokoyami. Without thinking, as if he was on autopilot, he got to the contemporary section again. Looking around to situate himself, the same green curls from the week before greeted him.

“Deku?” For fuck’s sake, not again! What’s wrong with me?? The words had an immediate effect on the smaller man. A feeling of déjà vu took hold of him when he saw the green-eyed man tense quickly.

“Katsuki.” The man said, looking at him dangerously. The fake sweetness from the other day was nowhere to be seen today. Only disgust was shown in his eyes, although he was clearly trying to hide the feelings Katsuki evoked in him.

“Could you please help me chose a book again?” He blurted. Izuku had given him a masterpiece last time, so the thought of maybe being able to read another one filled his chest with something akin to hope. The ferocity on his face stopped him on his tracks and made him wish he had just stayed silent this time, only nodding to acknowledge the green-eyed man. He has never seen him look at someone like that. Maybe he’s had a bad day?

“No, I can’t. Now, if you excuse me I have somewhere I need to be” He tried to walk past Katsuki, but something got to him. How dare he walk away from me? He is the only one I can face right now, and he tries to ignore me?

Please don’t.

Yeah, maybe our dear Katsuki has a lot to work on still.

The pure feeling of desperation and dread was what triggered him this time. He couldn’t be alone, not right now, not after seeing Izuku again, not after he didn’t pity him one more time. Izuku couldn’t leave him too now.

His heart started beating wildly on his chest as his hand grabbed Izuku’s arm. He was grabbing him like he was his lifeline, but that’s not the idea it gave the green haired man. No, to Izuku, it felt like being a little kid in middle school again.

“It has been over 10 fucking years. Can’t you get over it just for a second?” The fury in Izuku’s eyes was something like he had never seen before. Meanwhile, without realizing it himself, Katsuki’s eyes were pleading despite his harsh words and even harsher tone. Desperate. The problem was, Izuku didn’t realize either. He was just focused on the hand grabbing his arm so strongly that bruises were already starting to form. One for each finger.

To him, it was as if Katsuki never changed.

“And why would I help someone who told me to jump off a roof?” Those words made the blond get out of his trance and he let go of Izuku’s arm so fast it almost looked like it burnt him. What have I done? Regret was plastered in his face instantly, but Izuku could only see his 14-year-old bully.

The green-eyed man looked at him with disgust one more time and started to leave before he stopped abruptly and looked behind him. This time, his eyes were showing a deep sorrow and began to look glassy, almost as if he was trying his best not to cry.

Because he was.

Katsuki didn’t need to think he is the same crybaby from before.

“You know what the worst part was? After you told me that and left, I stayed on that fucking roof for hours contemplating if I really should jump. And I almost did. It so happened that your father called me to ask if I was with you because you weren’t answering your phone. After that, I didn’t have the courage. So, I guess, in a way, you did actually save my life that day. How fucking ironic is that?”

Katsuki stood there in stunned silence for what felt like hours after Izuku left.

Chapter Text

Another two weeks have passed since Katsuki’s last time in the library. He didn’t feel good going back there. It felt like that place was already Izuku’s and he didn’t want to impose himself where he is not welcome.

Truth be told, Katsuki never apologized to his ex-best friend. He thought about it but ultimately didn’t since he never saw him again until 3 weeks ago. Plus, how would he do it? Sorry I bullied you? It never felt good enough. His pride was also a big factor. He wouldn’t go look for a man just to tell him a few words he might not even accept.

And Katsuki is now absolutely sure he wouldn’t accept the apology. Not before, not now.

Ever since Eijiro came to his home, all his friends stopped texting him. Well, everyone except the red head. And he was thankful for that. The dread of seeing his inbox full was too much to bear, even if it was basically all from his friends. As always, his best friend understood what he needed, which was space, and communicated it with the others.

Some people are too good for this world. His buff golden retriever of a friend is one of them.

Katsuki did try the food Eijiro bought the next day, but his appetite is still nowhere to be found, so most of the food went bad and he had to throw it away. It was a shame, because it was delicious. But, as much as he tried, the food wouldn’t go down.

It’s not like he doesn’t want to eat. He finds himself ordering food quite a few times, but he can never eat a lot. The constant lump on his throat won’t let the food go down. Plus, he’s never actually hungry anymore nor does he have the energy to cook. So, that’s that.

He also never ordered a new book. The ephemeral joy reading brought him was just that. Ephemeral. Every time he so much as thought about looking for another book, an immense feeling of guilt would flood his chest until he couldn’t breathe.

Right now, Katsuki is getting ready to go to his parents’ house. He hasn’t seen them since they came to visit him more than a month ago. His father called him yesterday to invite him to eat some spicy noodles for dinner with them. The older Bakugo’s voice was so hopeful and slightly sad that the younger Bakugo couldn’t say no. Masaru always was his weak spot.

The former pro hero does not want to worry his parents more than he already has, so he grabs a baggy sweater and some baggy jeans to conceal his obvious weight loss. His face, though, gives it all away. The lack of food, the lack of sleep. The lack of happiness.

Due to the years and years of intense training, long before U.A., Katsuki muscles are holding well. They are just as stubborn as he is, even if he hasn’t trained for almost 3 months. But without food, they can be as stubborn as they want but will lose.

He thought about maybe buying his parents some wine or dessert, but it was hard enough to leave his house just to go to theirs. A trip to the supermarket would be torture. Plus, he’s sure his parents already have both of those things.

The idea of walking to the Bakugo mansion went through his head. One of the requirements to buy his house was that it would have to be close to theirs so that, in case of an emergency, they could get to one another quickly. The fact that, so far, nothing has happened does not mean it never will. And Katsuki understood that, raising no objections to it.

The 7-minute walk through the neighborhood he was born in, full of people that saw him grow, who had high hopes for him, shared his dreams with him, and now have a lot of questions, almost left him paralyzed at his own door, so he got his car. What’s a little bit more pollution, right?

Now, the house might have been a gift from his parents, but his car was only bought with his paychecks and is the apple of his eye. A black 2024 Porsche 911 Turbo-S with an all-black interior and leather seats he kept in pristine condition. No one but him is allowed to drive that beauty. It’s a miracle he even lets people in with their shoes on. And absolutely no food is allowed inside.

Car out of the garage and off they went.

Because it was such a small journey, he got to his parents’ house in a blink of an eye. The gates were open, so he parked inside the beautiful entrance. His mom came to get him at the door.

“You’re late.”

“Hello to you too.” They didn’t speak again until they were inside. Both knew that one more word from either would most likely end in a screaming match, as always. But Mitsuki’s reason was not just that. It was also the shock of seeing her son getting worse day after day and the pain of knowing she can do nothing to help. Clearly, the space they were giving him to process whatever happened was not enough. Besides, she was positive that Katsuki didn’t have the strength or venom right now to fight with her.

 His father came out of the kitchen to greet him wearing an apron, and after some small talk, they sat at the table, fancy plates in front of them, as if the son having dinner at his childhood home was something to celebrate.

The Bakugo family ate in silence. For a while, the only noise was coming from the tv. It was uncomfortable. Katsuki knew his parents had something serious to speak with him, otherwise they wouldn’t be so quiet. Especially his dad. Knowing this, he decided to distract them from whatever was on their minds, blurting the first thing that went through his mind out.

“I saw Izuku the other day at the library” the sparkle in his mother’s eyes and the faint smile on his father’s lips as soon as he mentions that man was all he could have asked for. Consider both distracted.

“Oh, you did? I haven’t seen that sweet boy in almost a month now! He hasn’t been coming with Inko. How is he doing?” Mitsuki’s excitement was palpable. She did always like the freckled boy, constantly comparing his sweetness to his own son.

“I’m happier about the fact that our kid got out of his house! I’m so proud of you son!”

“Yeah, I went to the library twice actually. He seemed okay, but I don’t know, we spoke very briefly. What’s he doing now a days?”

“He’s a teacher at the middle school you went together! Oh, watching his face light up anytime a kid comes to him is such a pleasure. You can tell he absolutely adores what he does! Inko and I were so concerned about him back then, but clearly, we had no reason too! He grew into such a beautiful man from inside and out!” His mom gushed about Izuku so quickly and in such a maternal tone that Katsuki started wondering if she ever spoke about him like that too. Probably not. She most likely just tells everyone who will listen how disappointed she is in her son. And she must do it with the same venom in her voice that she has when speaking with him.

She doesn’t speak with venom to Izuku.

“You know Katsuki, when you were at the hospital all those months ago, Izuku would come here every day with his mother asking how you were and bringing us food. Sometimes Inko couldn’t come, but he never missed a visit. Never. All from the goodness of their hearts and because of their concern about you.” His father chimed in. The blond Bakugo had no idea his Auntie and his former best friend did those things. No one ever told him. Made him wonder what else they knew but never said.

Although he didn’t question his Auntie’s motives, he did question Izuku’s. He was probably forced to come. No, Izuku’s too good of a man to do that. He most likely did it out of the goodness of his heart for his parents, that the green haired man treats like his own.

Way too quickly for his taste, the topic of conversation of the family changed.

“Son, we need to talk.” His mother’s eyes shone with the unshed tears she was fighting.  Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no, no. He looked at his father but all he saw in his eyes was immense sadness. And pity. So much pity.

“There’s nothing to talk about.” Katsuki said, getting up to try to escape the situation the Gods put him in. But the Gods were not on his side today and he realized that the moment his dad’s hand gripped his arm with a strength he never knew the older man had.

“You better sit back down and listen to what we have to say.” The seriousness in his dad’s voice paired with the tears on his mother’s left him frozen in time. It was so strange. It’s like they swapped places with one another for this conversation.

“Honey, we are worried about you” Honey? When was the last time she called me that? I can’t remember.

“There’s nothing to be worried about. I’m fine.”

“Is that why you only took two bites of your food this whole time? Because you’re fine? Yes, I counted them, Katsuki, so don’t try to deny it. Or are you fine because you are skinnier every time we see you? Maybe the dark circles under your eyes are the real reason you are fine. Stop bullshiting us!” Yelling. His father was yelling. He had never yelled at his son before. Meanwhile, his mother was sniffing, clearly crying by now. She had never cried in front of him before either. Not even when he was in the hospital.

He could not face any of them right now, so he stared at the ground, trying to control his breathing.

“You are hurting my arm. Can you please let go?” The words came out so quietly he wasn’t sure Masaru heard, but the older man let his arm go instantly. Katsuki, however, did not sit again.

“I did not tell my kid to fight in that hospital bed to see him die slowly out of it.” Shame was all he felt at that moment.

“Please come work with us. You need to get out, to get fresh air! Do something! I can barely recognize you” The last sentence came as whisper from Mitsuki’s lips. Breathing in and out slowly in an effort to calm his heart down, Katsuki tried to recompose himself.

After a few more seconds of silence, the younger one was ready to face his parents again, speaking slowly and carefully, but still not able to meet their eyes:

“Thank you, both, so much for the dinner. It was truly delicious. I will see myself out now. Goodnight.” Neither of his parents tried to stop him, although he could see the tears start to form in his father’s eyes as the older Bakugo went to comfort his wife, who was trying the best she could not to sob.

It broke his heart to see his parents like that.

So this is what it’s like to be truly desperate.

All he wanted to do was run to his car and disappear from that God awful place, but he behaved himself and walked slowly to his car, not really understanding what he was leaving behind.

…

Mitsuki and Masaru watched their son leave, not knowing if that was the last time they ever saw him. With aching hearts, they decided to text Kirishima and let him know what happened. Neither of them really thought the red head could do something in this situation, but they would try everything they could to save their child from himself.

Chapter Text

Katsuki has always been a man of discipline. Every single thing was done with a purpose. He would go to bed at 8:30 pm and sleep for 8 hours. When he got up, around 4:30, he’d drink a pre-workout smoothie and go for a quick 5-mile run. Then, he would go to the gym and work out, focusing on weight training. After that, a bath followed by a nutritious home cooked breakfast was imperative. Work was next on the list. In case there were no villains to defeat nor people to save, sparring with a friend or co-worker was necessary. He would never do it after a tiring day, though, because the blond knew not to over-do himself and get the perfect, balanced life he craved.

He would cook all his meals with fresh, organic ingredients as well, to maintain a perfect body not just on the outside, but also on the inside. Food is the body’s fuel, and he took great pleasure in cooking delicious, spicy meals. Not being a man who enjoys sweets helped him keep balanced, although he had such willpower that no craving could ever get to him.

No one was allowed in his kitchen ever. Okay, maybe his parents had a pass because they taught him everything, so he wouldn’t be very worried seeing them there. His friend’s place, though, was only the living room. He could not let them come close to his kitchen and possibly destroy it. He’s seen it all at U.A. when they lived in the dormitories together. Sometimes he still has nightmares.

That beautiful white kitchen with marble countertops has worked only as decoration for the last 3 months, given that the blond has as much will to cook as he has to eat.

Against all odds, today is a different day from the rest. Our lovely Katsuki feels like cooking, so he decided to take advantage of that.

Gyudon sounds good.

What he did not feel like doing was going out to buy the ingredients, but if he was going to cook, he was going to do it right, so off he went with his car to the market he knew had the best and the freshest products. He did wear a mask to not be recognized, but baby steps are better than no steps at all.

The 20-minute ride was peaceful, with the roads almost empty and the music playing softly from the speakers, and before he knew it, he was in the parking lot. Anxiety started to claw its way into his chest, so he tried to take slow, steady breaths, which helped him immensely. Feeling finally ready, he got out of the car and went inside the small market.

Walking around the aisles, Katsuki tried to focus on only getting what he needed for his dish to prevent wasting. It feels like a crime to waste any food when there are so many people dying from hunger every day. He knows he’s not perfect with it, especially lately, but if he can, he will try his best to reduce it. The only ingredients he didn’t have home needed were thinly sliced beef, an onion, red pepper, beni shoga, green onion and eggs, so that’s the only things he bought.

The sweet old lady at the front did recognize his spiky hair, but noticing the face mask, she made no effort to let him know it. Besides the fresh ingredients, everyone there was like that, minding their own business. That’s why it is the only place Katsuki came to shop for food. The lady put the food in a bag, and with a thanks, he left, returning home.

To start cooking, Katsuki began making rice and onsen tamago. After, he started preparing the broth and adding the onion and red pepper, cooking over medium heat until soft. Next came the beef adding part, which he cooked to perfection.

The bowl assembly was the last step. He began by placing the hot rice in the bowl, topping it with the beef, the onion, the red pepper and the sauce. To garnish, he used beni shoga, onsen tamago and chopped green onions.

His house smelled like a Michelin Star Restaurant, and his cooking tasted like it belonged there too, along with his presentation.

Still, that wasn’t enough for Katsuki to be able to eat. Although the fact that he wanted to cook was an improvement, he was not hungry yet. Three bites of the delicious food were all he managed before starting to play with it on his plate. In his head, he started to hear Mitsuki yelling to stop playing with his food and to eat, so he quickly got up with a shiver and started cleaning the kitchen.

As he was starting to store the food, a strong knock echoed through the house, as his best friend yelled at him to open the door. Katsuki yelled back, telling him to wait a second.

“Man, it smells delicious in here! Did you cook today?” Eijiro asked him, walking inside and patting him in the back as a greeting, before walking straight into the kitchen.

“Yeah, I did. You can have some if you want. It’s Gyudon” The blond answered already opening the containers again and getting a plate, along with a cup and some cutlery.

“Oh, I love Gyudon! We could eat together! Have you eaten?”

“Yeah, I just finished eating, so go ahead. Eat as much as you want.” Technically, it wasn’t a lie. Katsuki did eat. Just not a lot. Nor near enough. But the smile of true happiness on his friend’s face was too pure to ruin. Eijiro did love him as a brother. They have been inseparable for a decade. Obviously, he would be happy to hear that his best friend was eating again.

“That’s so manly!” It was his only answer as he stuffed his face full of food. The number of times he expressed how good the food was could not be counted by both their fingers and toes. It left Katsuki feeling proud of himself, although he didn’t show it.

Eijiro didn’t stop eating until all the containers were empty. That was enough food for at least 2 days for Katsuki back when he was working, but the red head ate it all in one sitting. His appetite was something like Katsuki never saw before.

After his plate was licked clean, they went to wash it and, when it was done, they sat on the sofa, watching some television.

“Katsuki, I need to be honest with you. I didn’t come here just to steal your food. I have news” The only reason the blond didn’t get nervous when Eijiro said that was because of his smile full of happiness and the glassy eyes. This was good news.

“Okay, I’m listening”

“I proposed to Mina yesterday and she said yes. We are going to get married!” Katsuki immediately got up, grinning ear to ear and hugged his best friend of 10 years.

“Eijiro, I’m so proud of you man. So proud of both of you and how far you have come!” Now the red head’s eyes were not just glassy, for fat tears rolled down his cheeks.

“I’m not done yet. Will you be my best man, please?” Still, hugging him tightly and with no intentions to let go, Eijiro asked him, sounding quite choked up, as if he was trying hard not to sob. Katsuki managed to get rid of his best friend grip to look him in the eyes, hands behind the red head’s neck to emphasize what he was about to say.

“It would be my honor to be your best man” Eijiro couldn’t contain all his feelings, so he pulled Katsuki for another bone crashing hug.

After they both calmed down from that high, they sat again on the sofa, with all worries forgotten.

“Mina wants to throw a party to celebrate our engagement. You’re coming, right? I need my best man there with me.”

The blond didn’t even miss a beat when answering.

“Of course I’m going. Wouldn’t miss it”

Katsuki couldn’t remember the last time he felt such genuine joy and pure happiness. It had been so long since he truly smiled that it felt foreign in his lips and his cheeks were hurting. But that was okay. For the first time in a long time, he didn’t feel sad, anxious, or numb.

It only felt like it couldn’t get better.

Chapter Text

Before Katsuki knew it, a week and a half had passed, so, it was Saturday, his best friend’s engagement party. To say he was excited about his friends getting married was an understatement. Eijiro, in his mind and everyone else’s, deserves the world. Such a pure soul as his should never know sadness. And Mina, for as crazy as she is, is everything his friend needs to balance him out.

There is also the obvious fact that Eijiro has been in love with that gorgeous woman since middle school, but he will cry if they tease him with it, so they won’t do it today.

After speaking with the happy couple, Katsuki understood the party had a chill vibe. No dressing up, although he was sure Mina would, as she should for it was her day, no fancy china, no fancy meals. Just friends celebrating the purest form of affection there is. Therefore, Katsuki dressed a bit better than he has had these past few months, leaving the sweatpants at home, but went with a pair of jeans and a white shirt that is now obviously bigger on him. Whatever. People won’t be looking at him today anyway.

One thing his parents always told him was to never go to someone’s home empty handed, so on the way to the party, Katsuki stopped at the supermarket and got an expensive bottle of whisky. He already had a case of unopened Cuban cigars, so he decided to also take it with him. Was it more a gift for Eijiro than Mina? Sure. Did he know what to gift women? No. Did Mina shoot whisky better than Eijiro? Absolutely. So, it was decided.

He quickly got to their house and could see at least ten cars parked just for them. Heart beating a bit out of control at the thought of that many people inside looking at him, he grabbed the steering wheel with both hands, head hung low between his arms and started calming his breathing. Thank goodness for all that therapy Aizawa forced them to get. It gave him tools to calm down in all situations.

After a few minutes, he was okay enough to get out of the car. He was late, which is unusual for the blond, but he’s sure his best friend won’t mind it as long as he is there.

Walking into the entrance, he heard a whistle he knew way too well directed at him. Grinning like a pair of idiots, Hanta and Denki were running in an effort to catch him so they could all go inside together. Katsuki didn’t miss the fact that his friends didn’t bring any presents, but to be honest, he would be shocked if he saw one, not the other way around.

“Hey man, long time no see!” Hanta said, smirk on his lips as he patted Katsuki on the back.

“Yeah Bakubro, we missed you!” Denki chimed in, pouting like a child who didn’t get the toy they wanted.

“It hasn’t been that long, calm your panties down.” Katsuki said in a gruff, but his heart started swelling a little with happiness from knowing his friends missed him. “Let’s go inside before Eijiro kills us.”

They knocked at the door, and a radiant Eijiro opened it. His eyes were slightly red, probably due to happy crying. His black shirt was slightly open, showing his defined abs and hair a mess as per usual, but the roots were red this time. Mina, for sure, told him to color his hair so they couldn’t see black in the pictures. She knows he’d be sad if they could be seen later.

“You’re finally here! Come in, come in!” Happy as always, his best friend brought them all in, hugging every single one of them and grabbing the presents from Katsuki.

“That’s from all of us!” Denki chimed in, trying to get credit for Katsuki’s thoughtfulness. If looks could kill, Denki wouldn’t be with them anymore thanks to Katsuki.

“That’s so manly of you! You didn’t need to bring anything! Thank you!”

“And they didn’t baby. Denki Kaminari, you better not be trying to get credit because of Katsuki or I’ll kick your ass.” Mina said, walking towards them. She was dressed in a beautiful short white dress that showed her toned legs and matching hair pieces. She looked like a fairy. The makeup certainly also helped to give that idea, with all the shimmers on her eyelids. No one could take their eyes off her, respectfully, of course. She was their friend and their friend’s fiancée! But damn, did she look breathtaking.  “Hanta, I expected more of you. At least help my future husband when Pikachu here is lying to him.” When she got to them, Eijiro’s huge smile could not be contained. His cheeks probably hurt by now. She hugged Denki as he pouted because of the Pikachu line, followed by Hanta. As she got to Katsuki, she didn’t hold back at all, and he hugged her back with the same intensity.

Back when they were in high school, Mina always tried to hug him, because she always loved to hug everyone, but he would push her away with a scowl on his face. All it took was one hug from behind while he was sitting on the common room couch for his touch deprived ass not to push her away anymore. He would still yell at her, but at least he would let her hug him. And the first time he did it back? Mina composed herself quickly, but he could still see her eyes getting slightly glassy. It also coincided with the time he actually started to let his friends in, so it was emotional for everyone.

“I’m so glad you are here.” She said quietly in his ear. Katsuki didn’t answer, but he tightened his hold on her as a response. And that’s all she needed to know he felt the same.

After the hellos, they went outside to the garden, where the real party was. Soft music was playing on a speaker and people were everywhere, speaking amongst each other. The garden had an arch made with what looked like flowers and was all decorated with lights and candles, adding to the fairy aesthetic Mina had going on.

As Denki got them beer, Katsuki looked around him. He saw the couple’s parents and waved to Eijiro’s moms. Saw lots of pro-heroes, including some of his co-workers and all their U.A. class. No one was missing. Even Best Jeanist, his old mentor, was there. The sight of so many people together that hadn’t seen him in months made his chest feel tight once again, but Pikachu arrived at the right time with the holy alcohol.

Katsuki never was a fan of drinking, especially during weeks he had to work, but every once in a while, he admitted it felt good. And the right amount only worked as a relaxer on him, so it was essential when they went out to places with lots of people. Like this afternoon. So, a beer to start was not a bad thought. Other than that, alcohol would only throw his perfectly balanced life out of balance, so he stayed far away from it.

The conversation with his friends was flowing, everyone laughing at some stupid joke Hanta made, when, out of the corner of his eye he saw some green curls he could never mistake in his life. Grabbing his best friend’s arm to speak quietly so only he could hear, he asked him:

“What the fuck is Izuku doing here? Do you know him?” His eyes were wide open as he processed the shock of seeing both his worlds collide. In addition, he was not sure he was ready to face that man so soon after the whole library fiasco.

“Who, Midoriya? Yeah, man! He and Mina are great friends! He couldn’t miss today’s party! Wait, you know him?” It was apparent to anyone with eyes that Eijiro’s mind was working overtime. The poor hamster in his head is certainly getting tired of all that running around in circles, trying to connect them.

“Yeah, we went to the same middle school. He was a nerd for heroes, so I was slightly worried he crashed the party.” The laugh that came out of the red head was so sincere Katsuki almost felt bad for his assumption. It was an awful thing for him to think. Izuku could be many things, but most of them were good and none were stalkers.

“Oh, I know he loves heroes, trust me! But he is fine. May stutter a bit when he is meeting some of them, but I think he is used to it by now.” Eijiro quickly got into their friends’ conversation again and Katsuki felt a deep feeling of shame for thinking the worst about Izuku. The green haired man always treated him well and with respect, but, once again, the blond couldn’t do the same.

He downed his beer and went to get another one, eyes on the ground and a scowl on his face so no one would come up to him and talk. As much as he loves them, he can barely stand his friends as it is, much less a bunch of extras. As he grabbed a beer, his hand collided with another one.

“Please forgive me, I’m so sorry!” Said the freckled man before looking up to see who he was talking to.

“Hey Izuku.” Answered the blond man. Running into his former best friend so soon was not his plan, but life has a twisted sense of humor and likes to kick him while he is down. The shame he felt intensified as he thought of their last interaction.

“Katsuki.” He said, just like the last time they met, but today it lacked the ferocity on his eyes and the venom on his tone. It was most likely because this time he used the man’s name, and not the nickname he created to bully him.

“I didn’t expect to see you here.” Katsuki is not sure why he’s trying to speak with him, but he can’t control himself.

“I didn’t expect to see you either, although I should have. Now, if you excuse me, I need to get back to my friends.” With a slight nod, he turned around and left. Izuku’s politeness hit him harder than he had anticipated. Maybe even harder than the first time he heard it.

The blond kept an eye on the smaller man and saw him stopping next to Todoroki, Uraraka and Iida. A weird mix, in his opinion, but the way Izuku joined the conversation so effortlessly told him they had been friends for quite some time. And the instant smile on the nerds’ face was so bright that it could replace the sun.  

Going back to his friends, he couldn’t focus anymore on the conversation, so, he just focused on his drink, savoring it slowly. He was not trying to get drunk. Not today and not in front of so many of his co-workers.

Former co-workers.

He is not sure of how long it has passed until Mineta appears in front of him and decided to run his mouth, as usual. The little man is still little, both in size and in mind. Katsuki does his best to stay away from him, because he can’t stand the little shit. Every time he went after any girl in high school, they always came to him to fix the issue. And fixing he did, even if sometimes he ended up on house arrest.

Let’s just say that, by the second year, Mineta had so many black eyes he couldn’t even see a woman in front of them.

But, of course, he didn’t really learn, and soon after returned to his disgusting ways.

“Woah, Bakugo, was not expecting to see you here. After all, I moved one spot up on the hero rankings now that you retired. The injuries didn’t look that bad. What happened?” Loud. That fucker was being loud, as per usual. Still no luck with women, so he tries to rile up who he thinks has. Looking around, he could see a lot of people starting to look at them.

Everyone wants to know what happened to the number two hero. The real reason he retired was never public, and no one bought the idea that Katsuki Bakugo retired after an incident with a villain. So what if the villain put him in the hospital? So many of them went too. It’s not something new!

In an effort to protect his best friend from unwanted attention, Eijiro put himself between the other two men.

“Hey, Mineta, that’s not cool. Leave him alone, man.” Katsuki’s chest started to hurt a little. All the emotions of the day started to get to him. As he began to walk away to try to cool his head a bit and breathe, he heard Hanta asking who even invited the guy.

The heart palpitations he started to feel didn’t help at all with his chest pain. Neither did the shortness of breath that appeared right after. He could still feel everyone’s eyes on him. I need to get out of here.

He didn’t want to run to give people more to talk about, so he tried to walk normally, grabbing his shirt by his neck to help him breathe a little better. What the fuck is happening to me?

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

He was already inside the house when he started hyperventilating. It seemed like enough air couldn’t get to his lungs. His body took him upstairs without him realizing.

Calm down. You need to fucking calm down.

They are going to find out everything.

They know.

They are looking at me because they know.

Everyone knows why I retired.

They know.

He only had time to get to the bathroom before he vomited everything he had in his stomach, which wasn’t a lot to begin with. After, he sat there, on the ground, head laid on his arm that was still on top of the side of the toilet.

They know.

They know.

They know. They know. They know.

Like a mantra on his mind.

“Katsuki?” Izuku. Izuku is here. He can’t be here. He will know too. “Hey, are you okay?” He said, getting down to try to help the blond who sounded like he was suffocating.

“I can’t breathe. I can’t…” Katsuki said panting. Izuku had never heard such a strangled voice coming from the blond.

“Katsuki, I need you to calm down. Breathe with me, come on.”

“I can’t. I can’t. They know everything. They know.” Izuku had also never heard something so terrifying in his life.

“Yes, you can. C’mon” he sat on the ground behind Katsuki and pushed him until the former hero’s back was against his chest, sitting between Izuku’s legs. Putting his hand on his forehead, Izuku was able to lay Katsuki’s head on his shoulder with his face turned towards the green-haired man’s neck. Whilst that hand stayed on his forehead, the other hugged him against his chest tightly. “C’mon Katsuki, I need you to breathe. Can you feel me breathing?” he waited until he felt a slight nod “Okay, now try to match it with mine.” Still, all he heard was wheezing. Katsuki was not focusing. He needed to calm down his breathing. Taking his hand from the other man’s head, Izuku grabbed Katsuki’s hand and placed it on his own chest, never letting it go. “Can you feel my chest? Try to match yours to mine. Please Katsuki, I need you to breathe. Come on, you can do it.” After what felt like an eternity, but most likely was only a couple of minutes, Katsuki started calming down. His chest didn’t hurt as badly, and the palpitations were disappearing. “There you go, good job. Keep breathing for me.”

After a few more minutes, Katsuki felt good enough to get out of the freckled man’s embrace. If it wasn’t for the hair sticking to his forehead and the spots on his shirt due to the sweat, you’d never know something happened.

You would if you looked into his red eyes.

Katsuki opened his eyes and was able to take his surroundings in again.

“I’m sorry you saw this.” The blond man muttered, getting up. The dizziness wasn’t all gone yet, so it was a challenge to keep upright. Still, he found strength within himself and started to leave.

“Hey, where do you think you are going?” Izuku couldn’t believe his eyes. Katsuki was already out the bathroom door! He was moving way too quickly for someone who clearly just had a panic attack. He needed to drink some water and lay down!

“I’m sorry, I’m going home now. Please enjoy the rest of the party.” Running. That man was practically running to get out of Izuku’s sight and out of that damn house. Against the screaming voice inside his head telling him to follow his former best friend, he decided to let him leave and not to stress him further. There was no way he could convince Katsuki of anything when he decided on doing another thing.

If Katsuki could, he would have run as fast as possible, but enough people had seen him already. Getting inside his car, he didn’t stop until he was home, taking a shower, wishing that the water could wash away the memories of this day.

…

Izuku decided it was a good idea to let Eijiro know that Katsuki went home because he didn’t feel so good. The immediate sadness in the red head’s eyes almost made him wish he didn’t, but he knew it was the right decision.

In the background, he could hear Denki saying, “that fucking Mineta” followed by “Seriously, who invited him?” from Hanta.

Now, all he had to do was deal with the nervous feeling of not knowing if Katsuki’s okay and shame for not trying harder to help him before he left.  

Chapter Text

Katsuki decided that the best course of action after the party and all its events was to forget it ever happened and bury all the feelings with it. Was it the smartest and healthiest answer? No. Would Aizawa and his therapist be deeply ashamed of him? They would. Can he deal with those thoughts right now? No, he can’t.

The man in question was playing a very dangerous game. Kind of like Russian roulette. It would either work wonders, and when he clamed down he’d be able to dissect all his feelings, or it would just accumulate until he exploded, like he used too. And lately, he can’t say he’s been processing any of his emotions correctly.

But that’s life, and when it blows up, it blows up. Consequences be damned.

Those are for future Katsuki.

Present Katsuki, though, decided it would be a great idea to google himself, and see what people thought of him. Never a good idea, but, oh well.

His best friend’s party was a week ago, so, a lot of articles were about it and if the blond was present. Scrolling down a bit, he got to the juicy part: the theories.

Some of the theories for why he retired made him laugh his ass off. Apparently, someone thinks he got married and had a kid, so he decided to retire. And someone swore on their dead grandma they saw him walking around carrying a baby. This one is especially funny because he hasn’t held a baby in more than 5 years. That poor grandma…

Another person says he lost himself on drugs and needed to go to rehab as soon as possible. Attached to that one was a picture of him from the first time he went to the library, using it as proof, since he couldn’t lose all that weight unless drugs were involved. He didn’t know someone took a picture of him that day. The thought that no matter where he is, someone will always know, recognize him and take pictures left him feeling slightly suffocated. But he knew those were some of the downsides of becoming a famous pro-hero. Now deal with it.

Another one he found hilarious was one saying he got so fed up with not being the number one hero yet that he just gave up. As if Katsuki fucking Bakugo ever gave up anything! He’s the best at everything he does, or he’ll die trying! As proof, and why do they always use pictures, was a photo taken of the man speaking with Mirio, the current number one on the country, and the scowl on his face was nasty. Anyone who knows them both knows that the temper of those two doesn’t work well together, so, most likely, the older blond just said something that pissed Katsuki off and people just ran with it.

He made a vow to himself, after getting to know Shoto and his family, that he’d never become someone like Endeavor. But that’s what that theory suggested. Was he pissed he never got to be Japan’s number one hero? Yes. He worked very hard all his life for it. But he’d never again resent someone as much as the flaming hero did All Might and fuck the lives of people around him just to get to that one goal. A hero is supposed to protect, not hurt those who love him the most.

Yeah, not as hilarious as he thought it would be.

After that, all he could see was of people theorizing if he got hurt so badly he had to give up his dream, then what might have been? Is he paralyzed? Can’t he move his arms anymore? Was it his heart again? Did it suffer irreparable damage this time?

So many theories. Some good, some bad, some awful.

Maybe he shouldn’t have googled himself.

Rookie mistake, honestly.

Looking around, Katsuki saw the same thing he had seen for months. The same four walls staring back at him, almost mocking him. The fact that not even five months ago he was barely home started to sink in. Is this my life now?

So, he decided to change his clothes and go out. It was already night, so a hoodie with the hood up might be enough to make him go unnoticed by random people.

He decided to walk to a distant and slightly abandoned neighborhood he sometimes patrolled. At this time of the day, although it shouldn’t, the crime rates there go down drastically, so, usually, there are also barely any pro heroes. Maybe the Gods will allow him to be alone there.

The thing is, he still can’t stand being around many people, and some days, any person at all, therefore, the fact that he is allowing himself to get out of the house again, after all the disastrous last times, says a lot.

Grabbing his headphones to block any possible noise, he left his house.

By now, he could follow the path to that neighborhood with his eyes closed. Some parts of the way were slightly creepy, like the abandoned playground, where the swings didn’t stop even though no one rode them for years. It was right in the middle of his route, so there was no way he could escape that. Besides the swings, the rusty slide was falling apart, which, combined with the wind, made it sound like some creature was always whistling. He always warned rookies not to go to that playground alone. Nothing ever happened there, still, the cold feeling it left was enough warning.

The rest of the path was not better in terms of infrastructures. Everything looked like it was about to fall apart, so the fact Katsuki thought it would be comforting to come to this place was unnerving. It wasn’t even close to his home. He was already walking for one and a half hours.

Finally, he laid his eyes on what he came to visit. An old, abandoned, 15 story-high building. Its lock was broken, so getting inside was really easy. There, you could see some stairs that made a cracking sound every time you got on top of one of them. You could also see smashed windows and a completely broken chair. Anything else was impossible to see due to the lack of light. To get to the roof, which was Katsuki’s plan, you had to climb all those stairs, and then some more. But the effort was worth it.

As soon as he got to the roof, Katsuki felt more at ease and in tune with himself. This was the place he usually went to take a look at the neighborhood when patrolling. It had an amazing view. Contrary to his usual behavior, though, the man went to the edge and lift himself up, so that he could be sitting there with his feet dangling almost 60 meters from the air. He took the headphones off and just savored the cold air hitting his face.

Once upon a time, when he was a hero and had a license, he could have felt secure doing what he was doing now, because if he fell, all he had to do was use his quirk and create small explosions to make sure he landed in one piece. Now he can’t do that.

That thought was sobering.

Truth be told, Katsuki is sick and tired of feeling like he has been feeling, but he can’t do anything to change it. Everything he worked hard for disappeared in front of his eyes after an encounter that shouldn’t even leave him with a single scar. He doesn’t know what to do with himself now.

He doesn’t know if he wants to do anything with himself.

Is there anything left for him that doesn’t hurt, disappoint or leave him without ground?

Will he ever find happiness again after losing the one thing that made him truly happy?

Can he find himself again?

One little push and it all could end here.

Was this what Izuku felt after I told him to take a swan dive off the roof?

Am I really considering doing it right now?

Should I be worried?

Should I just do it?

The truth is he didn’t feel worried. He didn’t feel bad for considering it. He didn't feel ashamed about leaving his parents and his friends. He felt at peace with it, a calm he didn’t remember feeling his whole life washing over him.

Is this how my story ends?

Listening to the stairs cracking jerked him off for a moment. He wanted to be alone. Did anyone follow him here? Turning slightly to be able to see who was coming, he spotted his friend Denki.

“Hey Kats, what are you doing here?” He looked disheveled, like he just ran a marathon to get there, and his eyes were slightly panicked.

“I just needed to get some air. I thought no heroes were patrolling this place at night?”

“They usually aren’t, but today they asked me to come. Can you please get out of the edge of the roof, man? You’re scaring me.” Denki started moving slowly towards him, like you do with a wounded animal, so you don’t scare it off.

“Yeah, I’m sorry.” So, this is why you were looking panicked. You were scared I was going to accidentally fall. It made sense. Denki quickly got to him and helped him out of the edge. Katsuki only allowed it because of the frightened look on his friend’s face. The hero could never mask what he was feeling, always wearing his heart on his sleeve. “You can relax, Pikachu. I didn’t fall.” The strangled laugh that came from the shorter man raised the hairs on his arm.

“It’s late. Let me take you home.” Katsuki nodded in response, allowing his friend to guide him to his patrol car.

The ride home was one of the most awkward experiences in Katsuki’s life. He could never get Denki to shut up, for the love of all that was sacred, but tonight, you couldn’t get a word out of him. And Katsuki didn’t make much effort either. Now he was reflecting on the implications of his earlier thoughts. Was I really about to jump?

When he finally got home, he thanked Denki and got a tight-lip smile back. Weird.

He decided to just take a shower and go to bed.

Those scary thoughts can be addressed some other day.

…

Denki Kaminari could not wait to drop his friend home. The panic was rising on his chest, and he knew he shouldn’t leave his blond friend alone, but he didn’t know what to do.

But he knew what he saw.

Katsuki was about to jump.

He was going to kill himself.

His red eyes didn’t lie.

As luck would have it, Denki got there just before he did it.

Grabbing his phone, the minute the call connected, and he heard Eijiro’s voice on the other line, he broke down. The tears he was able to hold back came together all at once. He couldn’t even breathe from how hard he was sobbing. With the patience of a Saint, the red head was able to get the information out of Denki and then his line went mute. He couldn’t speak. He never thought Katsuki could even consider something like that.

He needed to speak with the man as soon as possible.

Chapter Text

Katsuki was exhausted after the day. The walk exhausted him physically, but his mind exhausted him mentally, so after he got out of the shower, he dressed himself in some gray sweatpants and a black loose shirt. The bed was calling for him as a siren called the pirates and he was ready to dive right in, when he heard his best friend yell for him whilst ringing the bell and knocking at the door. All at once. Why the fuck is he making so much noise at this time of the night?

Yelling a quickly “I’m coming”, he went through his house, scowl on his face and opened the door angrily. He just wanted to sleep, God dammit.

The sight waiting for him was something Katsuki was not ready for. Outside, he found his best friend drenched from the rain, with his eyes red as if he had been crying, face twisted in pure anger as he had never seen in him, which softened the scowl on the blond’s face. His hair was down, lacking his usual spikes and he was wearing his sleeping sweatpants. When did it start raining?

Eijiro didn’t waste any time getting inside the house with his posture indicating he was not here for a friendly conversation.

“What the fuck were you thinking Katsuki?” The swear word was so foreign on the red head’s lips that Katsuki took a step back involuntarily.

“I’m the one who should be asking that. You appeared here in the middle of the night and probably woke all my neighbors with your yelling”

“Don’t act all innocent on me now.” Eijiro took another step towards him. Anger started boiling on his chest at the accusations. Now that they were so close, he could clearly see some hurt in his friend’s eyes, although it was masked behind all that wrath.

“You either tell me what the fuck you’re talking about, or you get out of my fucking house and let me sleep.” Said Katsuki, raising his voice. The cold laugh that escaped Eijiro’s mouth raised all the hairs on Katsuki’s body, his blood running cold.

“Oh, you think you are in a position to yell at me, huh? You want to know why I’m here? Well, let’s see.” Eijiro started pacing slowly around him, his voice calmer, icier, making him feel even more uneasy. What the fuck possessed his friend? “Maybe it has something to do with the fact Denki just called me sobbing, saying you were about to jump off a roof. Ring any bell?” Anxiety clawed her way out, mixing with the anger he was feeling. It was starting to be too much. Fucking Denki.

“That Pikachu doesn’t know what he is talking about” As much as he wanted, his voice didn’t carry enough venom to make it believable, nor was as loud as usual. Eijiro wouldn’t believe it anyway, but at least he tried

“So, you are saying Denki lied to me? That he is such a good actor that he made me trust his lies?” When Katsuki couldn’t answer his friend, Eijiro started breaking, eyes getting glassy and his breathing shallower. “Why Katsuki? Why?”

One tear.

Two tears.

Anger vanished from his eyes. Only pity and sorrow.

Three tears.

Pity. So much pity.

“Fuck you Eijiro” was all he could muster before turning his back to his best friend. But the red head was not about to let him leave, so he grabbed his arm strongly.

“No, you are not about to run away from everything again! I will not let you!”

“Or what, huh? What are you going to do?” He said, raising his voice again, letting all his frustrations out on his friend.

“You are not okay Katsuki. I don’t know what happened because you never told anyone, but you are not okay!” The laugh that escaped his mouth was something terrifying, leaving Eijiro frozen in place. It was something maniac, with the blond holding his belly from how much he was laughing, tears forming in his eyes.

“Oh, you want to know what happened?” he said cleaning them, finally calmer but still looking amused with the idea. All Eijiro mustered was a small nod with his head. “I’m quirkless now! Isn’t it funny?” He started laughing again, colder this time. The red head’s eyes opened so much he thought they were going to pop off.

“What?” The question came in a whisper. There was no way that was possible. They destroyed all the quirk erasing drugs!

“Are you deaf now? I’m quirkless!” His voice was calm, which only added to the feeling of terror Eijiro was feeling. “Turns out that the villain fucked my arms so that they can no longer produce nitroglycerin. Well, technically speaking, I still have a quirk, I just can’t get it to work anymore. Isn’t it funny?” He said, laughing again. At the sight of horror on Eijiro’s face plus the tears coming out of his eyes, Katsuki couldn’t contain himself. “You want to know the funniest part? I bullied a kid almost to the point of suicide because he was quirkless. But hey, I guess I don’t need bullying to do it. I did it all on my own. Aren’t you proud of me?” There was the confession neither he nor Eijiro were prepared to hear. A sob escaped Eijiro’s lips. He couldn’t believe what he just heard. “Didn’t you want to speak just a few minutes ago? Speak!”

Eijiro couldn’t. He couldn’t process what he just heard.

His best friend is now quirkless.

That’s the reason he retired. He couldn’t be a hero without a quirk. All he worked for, his whole life, is now impossible for him to get.

He could feel his heart break for his best friend, piece by piece.

Katsuki moved towards the front door and opened it fully.

“If you don’t have anything else to say, Kirishima, you better get the fuck out of my house, before I drag you by your shitty hair.” The lack of the use of his given name was felt in the bones by the red head. Oh, he fucked up. Walking slowly, he got out the door and looked his best friend in the eyes.

“I’m sorry.” was all he mustered, whispering the words. Katsuki closed the door on his face, saying nothing else.

When Eijiro got home, he couldn’t speak. Mina held him dearly, not pressing for details, until he passed out from exhaustion due to all the crying and sobbing.

…

The next day, Eijiro woke up with a raging headache. Mina knew he went to Katsuki’s the night before, but she also knew how he liked his private conversations to stay private, so she didn’t ask anything. If Eijiro could, he would tell her.

But God, was she curious!

As soon as she got out of the house to go to work, Eijiro called Izuku. The minute the green-haired man picked up, he just broke down.

“Kirishima, can you tell me where you are?” The sweet voice of Izuku was laced with concern.

“I’m home. Can you please come?”

“I’ll be there in 10 minutes.” True to his words, it only took him 10 minutes to arrive.

In the meanwhile, Eijiro was able to calm down once again. When he opened the door, the smaller man controlled himself not to gasp. The red head was a mess, with puffy eyes and his face all red. Izuku hugged him tightly, trying to comfort him.

Eijiro got them both some water and then guided them to the couch.

“Midoriya, I need to ask you something.” His eyes got glassy again.

“Anything!” the green haired man answered, heart sad at the image in front of him.

“Did Katsuki ever bully you?” He felt his heart drop to his feet. How would Kirishima know something like that? Did Katsuki make fun of him again?

“How do you know?” His voice came in a whisper so small Kirishima barely heard

“So, it’s true?” Kirishima started crying again. When Izuku nodded, all he could do was try to control himself not to sob. After a few seconds, he was able to talk again: “Would you mind telling me about it?” His voice was so broken and so genuine that Izuku couldn’t say no to him. Kirishima would never make fun of him, he knows it. He is way too pure.

“We were best friends growing up. Always together.” A nostalgic smile appeared on his lips as he also fought some tears that always come up when he tells his story. “When we were about 4, he got his quirk. He always had that superior attitude, you know? But it got worse. Everyone treated him like a God, so he thought he could do anything. And then, my quirk never came. At first, everything was okay between us, but it shifted somewhere. I could never pinpoint when, though. It all started with some harsh words, but it quickly shifted to the physical aspect when he saw nothing would happen to him. Still, I followed him, because I kept hoping we could be like we once were.” The tears flowed freely now on both men. “It ended when he told me to kill myself so that I could be born with a quirk on my next life. We went to different schools after that, and I never saw him again until a few weeks ago.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know”

“I know, it’s okay.” He grabbed Kirishima’s hand and squeezed it to make sure the red head believed him. “Why are you asking me this now? Did he tell you anything?” Although he feared the answer, he needed to know. What he didn’t expect was the way the other man started sobbing harder.

He ended up sobbing just as hard when the red head told him about the events from the night before.