Chapter Text
You always liked lakes and rivers, loving the sea. Always drawn to any large bodies of water as if they were calling your name. Was it because of how the water surrounds your body? As if it was always hugging, embracing you softly, like clothes that are never too tight or ill-fitting. Or was it because of how it made you feel in it? So light as if you were weightless... Honestly, you’re not sure anymore as to why, you just know that it’s calling, wanting you to submerge yourself in it. Yet, something inside you made you fell uneasy when the you couldn’t feel the ground under your feet. No matter how much the sea called, you never went further into the water, scared of what it may show.
Maybe that’s why you are standing by the sea as the sunset kisses your skin. Its mid-September, days are still warm. However, the nights are slowly getting cooler. Standing on the warm sand, your gaze staring into the horizon not focusing on anything specifically. The sky is so vibrant, the pinks and purples painting over the sky and sea, covering everything in their colours. As you soak in the beauty, the silence was forcing you to finally face your thoughts.
–What am I even doing here? –asking out loud to no one in particular, surprised by your own actions. Maybe expecting an answer to appear to why you are here. Perhaps for it to fall out the sky, for something to finally comfort you. But despite that not even a sea eagle let out a response to your words.
Maybe it was all your fault. You should have done this before —
You shake your body to keep your thoughts under control. Not able to keep still any longer.
As the sand shifts slightly at your feet as you move from one foot to another. Shoes in hand, the type that weren’t made for walking, always saving them for a special occasion. Today was supposed to be that day, well you thought it was… Only to realize that wearing them was a mistake. Your legs reminding you what type of a mistake it was as you continue shift your weight from one leg to another. All this, for someone you wanted to look nice for.
–I was supposed to be home, – borderline frustration and confusion were in your voice, – in bed by now.
Hands finding their way to already dishevelled hair, dragging your finger though it, not knowing if you were trying to fix it or messing it up even more. Reminded that they always said that your hair would be prettier if you listened to what they liked, they always knew better…
– But NO! – Frustration building up in your body, – Here I am... by the fucking sea... – frustration boiling over, kicking at the sand that accumulated near. Not able to stand still any longer as you start to walk near the shore.
Slightly sinking into the sand at your every step, still holding on to those shoes. As you look at them, reminded that they were hardly worn. Walking with no destination in mind, wherever the wind blows, anywhere. Mind racing as the sea waves crash into one another. What caused everything today to go wrong, one way or another? Was it the uncomfortable shoes, in which walking was painful, the ones that haven’t seen much of daylight after being bought. Because they were too pretty, too nice to wear just for fun? Was it the person that left you after singing lies of forever, the one that made you wholeheartedly believed in those silly delusions. The one’s you thought that maybe this time it will be true. Coworkers that were pushing their work on you with no rhyme or reason, even when they knew you couldn’t today. Family that didn’t respond after you tried calling them repeatedly for some sort of comfort.
It doesn’t even matter what it was now, something just snapped inside your body, all emotions that constantly simmering inside suddenly stopped. A calm washed over, berrying all emotions until the feeling of emptiness filled you.
Is that why people usually say don’t do anything rash? Because if not, how do you explain this situation to yourself. What reasons were for that? Some people say it’s because humans are illogical when they feel strong emotions, others say it’s because of folklore of some sort. Honestly, never really went digging deeper into the reasoning for this.
The once vivid sky is nowhere to be seen, replaced with dusk, a warning before nightfall. Your mind spinning with everything, so deep in thought not notice your surroundings, as something made you trip. Falling face first, shoes abandoned no longer holding on to them. The sand is supposed to be soft, then why does it hurt so bad? Why does everything sting... Stunned by what happened not able to move,frozen on your hands and knees. A million smaller things that accumulated started to morph into a giant mess that was too hard to ignore anymore. The emotions that looked like they had vanished started to bubbling back up, as if a shaken soda can erupting as it’s being opened. Body unmoving as you are flooded with everything you were holding back. Fat tears stream down leaving marks of their existence on the sand, barely visible but there.
–...why… why the fuck... did I...did I even come here? – voice shaky as bitter sobs leave your lips.
How long was it until you could move your body. Finally sitting up in the sand not moving from the spot, trying to wipe away the hot tears. Your attempts only end in vain, soaking the sleeves of the sweater. The kind of sobs that can’t be calmed, the ones that do not end even when the tears dry up.
–what... what... did I do...to... to deserve this? – the words come out desperately as if someone pulling them out by force.
There was no answers, not from a person or a gods, just waves hitting into one another sometimes interrupt the sound of weeping. What did you expect, an answer to your “why?”. You should have known no one would even try to answer these silly little questions you so desperately want answers to.
All the thoughts running around, scrambling to rationalize all of the misfortunes lately. Wondering if you piss off some sort of God and this is their punishment for you, for a hypothetical crime you may or may not had committed against them.
The waves start to slowly creep closer, soaking your clothes.
–Why did I even take theirs words as gospel?– Tears still falling down your face as they burn the sensitive skin. Slowly standing up as the waves lick at your ankles, as you slowly return to your senses or what was left of them.
–Was it because I wanted...– staring at the palms of you hands as the slight sting of pain reminding you that you are real, that this is real,–I wanted to… to be the first choice...– real physical pain that you can show to others is more valuable than the turmoil you feel inside.
Once calmed down sobs resurface once again, as if there was a never ending river of tears.
The salty air kissing your exposed skin, reminding you more where you were. As if trying to comfort you or so you desperately wanted to believe. Taking a deep breath as the wind hugs your body, unusually cold as if trying to warn you. With the wind also came a melody. Oh so strange, yet so hauntingly beautiful. As soon as you heard it, it's already was too late, bewitching you.Your body keep moving into the water, now knee deep not caring what consequences awaits ahead.
Mind goes blank as the melody twists deep into your subconscious, a song so unique, yet somehow it sounds so familiar. Body slamming against the waves as you try going deeper into the sea as you chase after that sound. The once proper clothes that took hours to pick out are now drench, soaked to the very last thread.
In the blink of an eye you were nowhere near the shore, no longer feeling the sand beneath your feet, the once fierce waves no longer stopping you, as though they gave up keeping you away. Struggling in the water snapped you back to you senses.Realizing where you were, feeling like the curtain over your eyes was lifted.
A sinking feeling spread all over your body with the realization of what have you done. The song you followed was now louder sending terror down your body, you could feel your heart sink down, the cold dread spreading all over. Taking in shaky breaths as you try to calm down and not to panic. Looking all over to see where you are, water splashing as you move around straining your eyes for anything. But there was only darkness. Melody clocked in darkness was now weight down on you, the once welcoming sea felt alien. At times it felt like something was grabbing your ankle, enough to make your mind spin with all the possibilities.
Breathing growing erratic with every movement you make, trying to swim back…. But, where was the shore? From where did you come? You continua straining your eyes. However, the clouds thickly coat the night sky, covering the light from the moon and stars. Only darkness remained. A cloying deep darkness.
The kind of darkness that makes your heart hammer inside your chest. The type to swallow you whole leaving nothing behind.
Sometimes you had thoughts like that… But... but who hasn’t?...
The endless wanting to be swallowed whole by the gummy, syrupy darkness has crossed your mind. To just disappear some days, until no memory of your existence is left.
But not like this, not for real… The sea was trying to drag you down into that darkness, fighting it will all your might was the only solution. Splashes could be heard in the now silent sea, not able to tell if it was you or something else. Your muscles starting to scream for you to stop but you just can’t.
Is this how I will die?
These were the only words rattling in your brain, as you continue to struggle.
–Do you ever wonder if this is where you should be? – an eerie calm voice interrupted your panic, –Where you supposed to be?
The beings voice jerked the panic from your body. You stopped struggling. Was it because you felt something at your feet, that might have be holding you up.
–... w-what? – your voice sounding weak, full of confusion.
Looking around to see from where the voice came, nonetheless all was futile. Your movements less desperate, no longer urgent. However, not wanting to move to much or you might lose your footing.
–You end up regretting the decisions that you never made and mourning the life you never even had.
The voice sounded right behind you, so close and so soft. But you don’t see anyone’s presence as you turn around.
–Illogical, isn’t it?–you feel someone's cold, wet fingers on your shoulder,– You wanted to be here and yet you want to vanish into thin air, to disappear. –his fingers slowly moved to your neck, softly holding as the cold touch send shivers down your body.
You try taking in deep breaths as the creatures words sting. You want to deny them, tell them it's not true. But when you open your mouth to speak no word comes out.
–You have been putting on a facade for other people for so, so, so long.–the creatures present started to feel more real as something moved closer behind you.– That you no longer know what is real and who you are.
With his every word his hand moves up your neck to your jaw. His touch soft as a feather, yet cold as ice. His hand softly moving until your chin rests in his palm as his fingers holds your cheeks.
–Are you the same person you see in the reflection?– Feeling him softly guiding your face to look down.– It should be.
You look at the water, seeing a light glow behind you as you stare at your reflection, the hand from behind holding your face. The sea around you was eerie with how still the water felt. How clearly you saw yourself, but you don’t recognize yourself.
Is… is this me?
How long has it been since you really looked at yourself and not a short glace? When did you start looking at yourself with such disgust? With so much loathing...
–You keep staring at your likeness as if not knowing who it is. You may as well be looking at some stranger you never seen.–His words sounded careful, maybe having some sort of concern. – Or even looking at someone you have aversion to.
His grip on your face loosen as he slowly moves his hands to your waist. Nothing could shield you from the feeling of his cold touch, on the contrary your soaked clothes acted as an amplifier to the feeling of his touch.
The creature was holding you above the water, making you overthink if he was just toying with you and your emotions.
–Your loved ones love you. Or do they really?–His words snapped you out, back to this moment.
–w… what do you mean be that?
Your question falling on deaf ears as you hear him continue, something near making splashing sounds as you move in his hands.
– You are surrounded by love, you really are. But then, why are you feeling as if you are drowning in loneliness?– his tone sounding like concern with softness off velvet.
But something about it filled you with confusion and worry. How should you react to his words as he reads you like an opened book? You shiver from his accuracy. Feeling a cool presence near your head as you feel hot breath beside your ear as he continues to speak.
– Does your so-called God not keep you warm?–His words barely a whisper, full of mockery and repugnance. – The one that the humans call upon in their moments of need.
– What the fuck are you? – You ask as you try to turn around to see him better.
But he didn’t let you budge, only able to get glimpses of the figure behind you. The more you tried to see him the more he avoided your gaze. Spinning around with you in his hands as you felt something moving near and at times in between your legs.
–Tsk, tsk, tsk. No manners I see. You must have been born in a barn.
You stiffen by his words, until they settle inside you.
– WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN! – you flare your body like a fish on land, as you don’t hold back your voice.
At some moment your hands went to his as you tried to pry yourself from his grip. However, his grip never loosened.
–I said what I said. You humans are always so loud. – A sigh left his lips at his last words. However his voice held something more than just frustration.
– Did my words strike a cord with you?
Even if you couldn’t see him, his words, his tone felt like he was smirking right now.
His words indeed poke a sore spot. What could you do? You were tired and your mind feeling strangely foggy. Was it because your emotions were continuously shaken up again. You thought you already cried over everything. As tears fall down your face, silent tears. Your eyes felt like burning, was it because of the tears or the salty sea wind? Would you even care from what it hurts now?
You felt a cold hand cover your eyes as your tears continue falling. The cold touch calming the burning feeling, it was so soothing that you didn’t notices how you were leaning into his touch.
–Shh, take a deep breath, – his voice soft and gentle as you do as he tells you. – Yes like that, good girl. Now breathe out.
You breath as he instructs you. His tone so gentle and calming that it would be hard not to listen too. As you try to calm yourself you hear a familiar melody being hummed softly behind you.
–If you want, I can be your God.–His voice low as his breath tickles your skin.– I would answer your every prayer. I would keep you warm, so you no longer would need to burn yourself to keep yourself warm.
His words, his touch sends goosebumps up your body from the contrast of his cold touch and warm breath. The hand that was covering your eyes moved softly to up your forehead as his thumb softly caressed your skin. His touch was so cold that it felt like your skin was beginning to tingle underneath his fingertips, your breathing getting stuck in your throat every time he touched your skin so tenderly.
–That is if you want that to. – His grip loosened as you were left floating.
His touch gone. However, you’re no longer panicking, the opposite you were strangely calm. You laid there in silence. Was it for a couple second or was it for a few hours, not knowing how long that silence was. Finally deciding to break it.
– And what if I do agree, what does your believers do?– you ask as you toy with the idea of worshiping him as a god.
Were your prayers gone unanswered before because you didn’t believe hard enough? Was it because you were too desperate? Or was it because of how fast you were considering a new god after being showed a speck of warm, care. You didn’t even realize how much you needed that warmth, the reassurance that someone will hear you, your prays and pleading.
You could feel something swimming around you, from the way soft ripples caressed your skin. Hearing the light splashes, the broken water tension as you see him from the corner off your vision. You can see his eyes, close to glowing.
He really wasn’t human. But is he really a God?
–You just have to be my follower, devote yourself to me. Only my, your devotions will be only mine and mine alone. – You could feel his finger gently blush against your skin, his gentle touch contrasting with his words.–Don’t worry I will also devote myself to you, only you.– he responds as if sensing your worries.
– But won’t that make me the only follower, don’t you need more? –you close your eyes for a second before speaking again. –Also what God devotes themselves to a believer and only one at that?
–If it’s you...– feeling his gaze on you as your eyes are closed as he was studying your slightest reactions,–I won’t need any other worshipers. I wouldn’t mind being a God only for you.
Once again a tone that was hard to argue with. Soothing and smooth. Nothing good could come out off this.
Feeling your body and brain screaming at you to refuse. To not be fooled by his words. By the warmth that you so desperately needed. How long was it since you were warm?
It would be too dangerous to fall for his sweet words… so why… why do I feel like I need to agree?…
–I... I… –trying to compose your thoughts as you stare at the void sky,–I will agree to be your worshiper...– you respond deep in your own thoughts.
Why did I except his proposition against everything my mind was telling me…
You already could feel the answer deep within your bones, there was no point of trying to hiding it and lying to yourself.
Wanting warmth and mercy you couldn’t grant yourself. No longer wanting to burn yourself for others just to be left high and dry. Letting yourself be fooled by his sweet words.
You lay there floating as you feel hands slowly creep around your waist holding you tightly. You could feel his cold once again, but why... Why did his cold fingers felt like burning your skin now? You could feel all the hairs on your body standing up.
He was spins you around in water as if he was on land, overjoyed that you agreed. Not remembering when did you turn around to face him, instinctively wrapping your arms around the beings neck. Not wanting to be dropped into the water. Melodic laughter fills your ears as he continues twirling around with you in his hands as if it was nothing.
Finally you could see him. His face looked human...but at the same time not. His eyes were almost blue, but someone just had to spill pink into that blue.
His hair is glowing too?...
Purple, blue, pink? A mixture of colours surrounded him, making you unsure of what was true and what was imagination. Your eyes must had playing tricks.Was he a god or some eldritch being? Didn’t it matter now.Maybe you did finally lost the last of your sanity. Because there is no way a creature this handsome would say he will devote himself to you if you just devote yourself to him. There was just no way.
Your gaze must have left a burning feeling as he stopped. He looked down at you with a smile as innocent as a child’s. Full of happiness and glee.
Why… why was he so overjoyed?
He leans in pressing his forehead against yours, his gaze soft, somehow unsettling. He might as well be looking at some pray that he finally caught. How ever his words pulled you out of your thought before you could regret your decisions.
–Give me all of your sins, all of your worries. I will wash them all away.– his tone as low as a whisper, as his eyes lock on yours.– Just think of me. Only me.
You hold his gaze as he doesn’t pull away, his breath warm as it tangles up with your. For a second his gaze shifts to something you can’t tell.
–May I...– his eyes move down and back up.
For a God he sure does like asking for permission. Why would he… the way he was asking left you wondering.
– You may not. – not knowing why you decided to tease a bit, to just see what would happens.
He looks at you full of surprised as he pulls his head back, his eyes getting heated. You could feel his hand tighten around you, not a hint off letting you go. However, his cheeks puff out like a puffer fish. Bizarre. So bizarre, that you couldn’t help holding in your laughter. Who knew playing with fire could be so fun? Moments pass you laughter filling up the otherwise silence, laughing into the crook of his neck. After some time your laughter slowly calms down, the so called gods face was still puffed up.
Softly you cup his face as you now pressing your forehead to his. Still giggling about this bizarre situation, taking in deep breath to calm yourself before speaking.
– If you still want to… I will allow it… – suddenly hearing your own words out loud made it slightly embarrassing. You couldn’t bear to look at him.
No answer. The boldness you felt before was now gone, about to take you hands back. But before that could happen he leaned into your touch not noticing how close he was. His eyes staring intensely at you.
Was it the moment, his behavior or did you really want this. Would you even care for an answer now? You stare at him as he finally leans in closing the distance between you two. Closing your eyes as your lips touch. He pulled away slightly
– You are a cruel human. – His voice a bit raspy as his breath tickles your lips.
– And you are a strange God...– retorting with no second thought.
At first it was nothing more than a soft pecks on the lips. One peck on the lips became two, then tree and then no longer was it just a simple kiss. His lips were moving in hunger against yours. He was kissing you like a starving man and you were the meal that he waited for so long.
How long was it since someone kissed you like that? Like you were their everything? That feeling was so foreign now.
You pull away breathing heavily, trying to take in short fast breaths as if you had ran a marathon.
– Are you satisfied now?
–Not really… nevertheless I supposed this will do for now.– his voice full of teasing as he moves one hand closer to your lips.– But first swallow this…
You look at his hand, holding something similar to a pearl. How are you supposed to swallow it? You look at the pearl and then at him, your eyes darting between the two.
– Just swallow it… It will seal our bond.
Okay, strange choice of words, but… I already agreed to be his worshiper.
With hesitation you take the pearl from his finger in between your lips. You place it underneath your tongue as you pull your head back and try to swallow it more easily. You feel soft lips on your throat as you consume the pearl. His soft kisses went up your throat to your chin.
–You did so well human, – you could feel his voice against your skin. – Now nothing can break our ties.
–Wait, what kind of god are you? –grasping at the fast moving situation you realize that you never asked him what god he was.
You didn’t ask not even once before agreeing to this. Hearing a deep chuckle from the so called god.
–Well aren’t you a foolish human. I should had picked a more smarter human to be my follower. – the beings tone sounded teasingly as he continued to chuckle. – Oh well, looks like I will have to settle with this one.
–Hey! What's that supposed to – you weren’t able to finish your sentence as he once again pressed his lips against yours.
Shocking you just enough to make you speechless.
– You were getting to loud again, human.
Before you could protest again, he pulled you into another kiss. Your attention fully consumed by his lips. You didn’t notice as you were pulled into the sea, consumed by the water as he was going down going deeper and deeper until reaching the bottom of the sea. Only noticed as he broke the kiss.
When you finally noticed were you where, it was already to late. Panicking filled you once again as you thrashed in his hands, subconsciously gasping for air as you only take in salt water. Panicking so much that you didn’t notice that the water didn’t sting your throat. However, the logical conclusion was dread, the obvious outcome awaiting you. Your vision was going blurry as you began hearing a familiar humming as if lulling you to sleep. Vibrations covering your body. You look at him as he looks at you, his gaze predatory as he smiles at you. That smile looked loving, however his teeth looked off, shark like. The consciousness you were holding on so hard began fading in and out until you couldn’t hold on to it anymore. Everything went from blurry to dark, as you were going limp in his hands believing this is how you die.
Starting to stir as the sun hits your skin, slowly waking you up. Flopping on your back, eyes still closed as you just lay in bed. Your mind flashing with impossible things.
So it all was a dream?
Dragging your hands down your face as you try recalling the dream. Couldn’t hold back the sigh that transformed into a yawn. The sun was so warm that you couldn’t help but stretch your sore limbs. Wanting to sleep more. Was your bed always this cozy? Softly moving, not remembering when was the last time your bed was so comfortable.
–Oh? You finally awake?– the voice shattered the tranquil moment.
Making you jolt up from where you were, looking for the person that spoke. Your eyes finally stopped at the doorway of the room. A young man standing with a mug in hand. You take a moment to compose yourself…looking around, realizing this wasn’t your place and obviously you weren’t laying in your own bed. The room itself was bigger than your apartment.
–How the … are you?– taking a moment to think before continuing to speak, cussing in this situation wouldn’t be the best outcome.– Where even am I?– Looking around and taking in the environment as you pull the duvet over yourself.
The man took a few steps closer to you as you took in his looks, purple slightly wavy hair, moles peppered over his skin. Delicate features that could mesmerize anyone, be it men or women.
–Obviously you are in my house. – his words breaking the trans you were in.–And for my name, I’m Rafayel.
You just look at him, eyes full of suspicion and disbelieve.
– Why am I in your house? Do you pick up people like some kind of strays?
– Puh-lease. I don’t have that sort off hobby.–His words were full of amusement as his eyes took you in.– I found you by coincidence near my house as I was taking my daily walks... You were laying on the sand with your clothes drench. How did the waves not wake you up will be a mystery.
He sat down next to the bed, giving you enough space to take in his words. He stretched his hand out, offering you the mug full of warm tea. With hesitance you take the mug, just holding it not sure if drinking it would be safe. Looking at him with suspicion.
–I didn’t really wanted to deal with a dead body so the best option was to take you home. – he took in your untrusting gaze– you somehow ended up on the beach near my house… –he lets out a sigh as he ruffles his hair.– And my aunt thought bringing you in was the best decision.
– Ah… Thank you for taking me in...– unsure with his explanation, holding the mug warm in your palms, however still not drinking it.
Looking down at the mug you see that your clothes weren’t yours. A white shirt draped over your body the sleeves decorated with frills. Your head snaps in his direction as the realization hits you like a truck, your face getting redder by the second.
Rafayel notices your gaze and quickly clears up your unease.
– Relax. I didn’t see anything. My aunt was the one that changed your clothes. She even shooed me out like some dog. – He was leaning back as he responded dramatically.
A soft laugh left your lips at his dramatics. Still staring into the mug, finally lifting your gaze. The young man was sitting close, but far enough to give you space. Looking around the bedroom it was likely bigger than your whole apartment or even the house you grew up. You look back at the young man, taking in his appearance once again. Clothes that looked nice, a bit dramatic until you started noticing the subtle things… how the sewing is really neat, no stray thread or awkward stitching together.
– Thank you for letting me… stay in your guest room? – your eyes are still staring around the room.
– Its my room.
– w-what? –Another realization hits you.
– It’s my room, not a guest room. My aunt couldn’t let you be in the guest room… because I was too busy getting ready for an exposition… that the rooms were used as accidental storage...–the longer he spoke the more sheepish he became, his hand rubbing the back of his neck.
– I’m sorry for all the trouble I have caused. – defeat was in your voice as you looked Rafayel into his eyes.
Huh? Wait…
Wait, where did I see this eyes. This blue with pink?
...
Why can’t I remember where I saw them before?
Feeling like you couldn’t tear your eyes away from him. You maybe were staring at him for a bit to long.
– Did you fall my looks? – The corner of his lips tugged into a smirk.
He leans in as he rests his face in his hand, his smirk dancing on his face.
– Ah… no. You just look kinda familiar, have we meet before?
–Isn’t that an oldest pick up line there is? A bit over used, Buuuut I will let it slide
– Ah...a.. NO! I.. I didn’t mean it like that...– His words took you by surprised that you tried to clear up the misunderstanding and ended up biting your tongue.
Your hands fly up to to your mouth to cover up your embarrassment, as you stare at him wide eyed. You catch his gaze, as you stare at each other for a moment. You could she his body shaking slightly as he covered his mouth. Taking in his silly appearance you couldn’t hold back. Somehow in a blink of an eye an awkwardness moment was filled with laughter. Both off you laughed to your heart's content as the embarrassment, awkwardness melted away.