Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

(Why did I make this????)

Belos: *walking around a forest bc he needs a break. Trips on something.* What the f*ck?! *Stands and looks down.*
4 year old Varian: *Looks up at him, smiling.*
Belos: … A CHILD! THE TITAN HAS GIVEN ME A CHILD SOLDIER!

Hunter: V, what is … seven hours of sleep?
Varian: The heck do I know?!

Luz: *In the bubble Lilith made her.* Can I have a hat?
Hunter: No, but I can give you a whack.
Luz: a what?!
Hunter: A whack! *smacks the the bubble with his staff as if it’s a baseball.*

Rapunzel: I need information about my hair.
Quirin: F*ck you, have info about my son.

Varian: *Stares at Quirin.* Titan… you’re my dad?
Quirin: *In near tears.* Yes, Varian. I’m your father!
Varian: *wants nothing to do with the human realm and has adopted some of Hunters personality.* Damn, you ugly. Y’all, I’m dipping. *Moonwalks back into the portal.*

Varian: Is it really stealing if the library lets you take their books?
Hunter: It is if you don’t return them.

Belos: If I’m lying, may the Titan himself strike me down!
*Lighting hits the ground behind him.*
Belos: shaken but confident.* Hey, didn’t hit me though!- *boiling rain starts pouring on him.*

Luz: Sooooo, how’d you end up with Belos?
Hunter: I’m a clone of his brother that he killed and was made purely to serve him.
Varian: Yeah, he found me on the ground of a forest all alone and decided to take me as another soldier alongside his not-really nephew.

Hunter: *thinking back to how he blushed at Willow.* What was that strange feeling…?
Varian: *thinking.* …The common mold?

Hunter: Nothing in life is free.
Luz: Adventure is free!
Willow: Love is free!
Varian: Knowledge is also free.
Eda: *arms full of junk* Everything’s free if you take it without paying!

Varian: Roses are red, Violents are blue.
Hunter, in the distance: YOU SUCK AT FLYING!
Varian: … I F*CKING HATE YOU!

Chapter Text

Hunter: I only realize how traumatic an event was when I bring it up as a funny story and I get a bunch of worried looks.
Camilla (who just met the group): *highly concerned * What…?

Boscha, making fun of some kid: He can’t even read, why’s he in this school?
The random kid: Actually, I use they/them.
Boscha: *Blinks a few times.* Yeah, whatever.
Boscha: They can’t even read, why are they even in this school?

Quirin: … Varian? Is it really you?
Varian, extremely confused: How do you know my name? HOW DO YOU KNOW?!

Steve: *Both Hunter and Varian flung over his shoulders like potato sacks.* I’ve only heard these kids once, but if anything happened to them I would kill everyone in this room and then myself.

Camilla: Dinners ready!
Luz: Coming, Mamá!
Vee: Coming!
Willow: Thank you!
Gus: Awesome!
Hunter and Varian: … We didn’t do anything? Wha- what’s going on? Is this a trick? We didn’t help you with anything?!
Amity: How much am I allowed to have?
Camilla: … therapy is going to be expensive.

King: Reality is an illusion, the universe is a hologram, buy gold, byeeeeeee!

Hunter, first year at Hexide: This is my finals week, or my final week. Help.
Luz: Same bro!
Varian: ...I have concerns.

Steve, on his motorcycle: Beep beep, get in you sad fucks. We’re going to therapy.
Lilith, Hunter, Varian, the entire Hexide squad: *stand there awkwardly* (Hunter at the back): I DON'T NEED IT!
Steve: YES YOU FUCKING DO, NOW GET IN THE SIDE CAR!

Lilith: I have standards. You, *points at Hunter during his Golden Guard era,* Don't meet them. And you, *points at Varian during his Golden Guard era,* just barely meet them.

Luz: I feel like Hunter is the type of guy to say fuck at every minor inconvenience.
Hunter, distantly: FUCK YOU!
Luz: Case in point. Anyway, Varian looks like he would say Oopsies to mildly world-ending catastrophes.
Varian, also in the distance: *Some huge explosion that almost blew up half of Bonesburough* Oops, too much fire bee honey!

Luz, texting the group chat at 3 am as a joke: Sometimes I wish I could block people in real life.
Willow: Duct tape their mouth
Gus: Stick them in a tree
Varian: Restraining order
Hunter: Murder
Luz: ... Why tf are u all awake?!

Willow: I'm a nice person! But sometimes others deserve to be eaten by a flesh-eating plant.

Darius, promoting the Emperor's coven for some reason (Hunter and Varian were grounded. Don't ask): Join the Emperor's Coven, kids! Or don't. Most of my problems wouldn't even have existed if I hadn't joined a coven. But, your choice.

Amity: Sometimes, people remind me of that weird human toy.
Luz: What weird human toy?
Amity: what's the word... Slinkys?
Luz: That's right, also, what?
Amity: Yeah. Some people are like Slinkys. Generally useless, but can bring a smile to my face when I shove them down the stairs!

Luz: If you had to choose between Belos and your brother, who would you save?
Hunter: Is that even a question? Varian, without hesitation.

Gus: I've been meaning to ask, how do you have pointed ears if you're human?
Varian: Glad you asked. But the author was a dumbass and only realized they forgot to put the lore for my ears after they made the chapter.
Gus: What?
Varian: *Sighs* Palistrom wood, illusions, and potions.

Luz: I'm back from the demon realm mom! And I brought friends! Oh, and three extra family members!
Camilla: *Happy but confused* Huh?
Luz: I have brothers now. Oh, and a witch girlfriend.

Varian(W&AA!Au), viewing over the TTS fandom: What the... Who is that blonde girl? Why are people constantly referring to me as "Bean"? I HAVE A DAD?! WHY AM I KISSING ANOTHER RANDOM BLONDE?!?!
Hunter(W&AA!Au), looking at the TOH fandom: What do you mean Varian doesn't exist?! He's my fucking brother dumbasses! I'm also being referred to as Bean, why? What. Why do I meet Luz so late? Who the heck is that green haired guy?!?! Is he a Blight?! WHAT IS GOING ON?!

Ruddiger, to Flapjack: My boy never sleeps unless Gold (Hunter) is with him
Flapjack: My boy gets whacked across the head with a staff by Blue bird (Varian) if he doesn't sleep.
(Even then, neither one of the idiots get any normal amount of rest)

Chapter Text

Willow: Remember when we first met Varian?
Luz and Gus: Yeah?
Willow: How did his staff even get in the tree?
Luz and Gus: ...
Luz and Gus, grinning: *Jazz hands* Magic!

Hunter: Did... did you just fall?
Varian, face full of dirt: Noooo, I attacked the floor.

Willow: so, we need a game plan guys. How are we going to defeat Belos?
Luz: Hear us out
Varian: Kidnap him
Gus: WHY WOULD WE-
Varian and Luz: WE SAID TO HEAR US OUT!

Gus: Hunter's a grimwalker
Hunter: *Spiraling*
Luz: I knew that cuz I'm awesome
Willow: What's a grimwalker?
Varian: YOU NEVER TOLD ME?!

Willow: If you hate yourself and you know it, clap your hands!
Hunter: *Claps agressively*
Luz: *Claps once*
Amity: *Claps twice, then hugs Luz*
Varian: *Polite clapping*
Willow: ... Guys! >:(

(Thanks to them) Hunter: What's up y'all, I'm back
Luz: Wha- but? You died! We saw you drown! You were literally dead!
Hunter: Death is a social construct

(watching and dreaming) Darius, Eda, Steve, and Raine: What the- what the fuck man?
Varian and Hunter: *Both covered in brand new scars, both weirdly have mullets, and Hunter has brown eyes.* Aha, A lot has happened
The adults: Well no shit!

Belos: Being sane is overrated

Luz: By chance... Did Death sound anything like Sans?
Hunter: Like who?!
Luz: Shhhh, never mind

Hunter: Men. But women? *Thinking* Both.
Luz: Yes
Varian: I agree

Belos (talking about Gus): I just threw hands with a twelve-year-old, he almost won

Luz, after meeting Kings dad: Just had a vibe check with a god

Gus: I'm twelve and have seen the end of a world... YET YOU CAN'T HANDLE SCHOOL?!

Flapjack: *Tries Pancakes*
Luz: CANNIBALISM!

Varian: Uh, hi?
Rapunzel: Hello child that looks exactly like the description I was given about Quirin's son! Wait.

Willow: Don't give people the middle finger, we're better than that
Gus: Give them all your fingers!
Luz: At once!
Hunter and Varian: Across their face!

Chapter Text

Hunter: Me, Varian, and Vee are the dream team
Vee: Yeah!
Varian: We've survived horrors!
King: What does that mean?
Luz: It means they all need therapy

Kikimora: If you saw things from my perspective, you-
Varian: *crouches*
Luz: *Kneels*
Hunter: *Lies down on the floor*
Kikimora: HEY!

Amity: So this is the human realm...?
Varian: The air's weird
Amity: What?
Varian: It's colder. Feels less acid-y or whatever
Hunter: What the fuck Varian, that's not a word

Gus: Prrrresenting, Hunter! The real-life Disney princess!
Luz: First, how do you know about Disney? Second, he totally is
Hunter: *Surrounded by all kinds of human realm animals.* I don't know whether or not that's a compliment or you mocking me

Steve: So, what's your guy's favorite sport?
Willow: Flyer Derby!
Luz, Hunter and Varian: Running from our problems

Varian: We went from having one family member who wasn't even family
Hunter: To 2 moms, an older brother, a cool-ish aunt, 1 dad, and Mx. Raine
Darius: Why's Raine singled out?!
Hunter and Varian: They're just better
Raine: *Smug grin* I'm just better

Gus: Hey, Vari, how'd you get that scar on your neck?
Varian: *Intense flashbacks*
Gus: Uh, hello?
Varian: *Clearly fake confident smile.* Don't even worry 'bout it! Don't even worry 'bout it

Varian: Belos lied so now his body's gonna be fried

Hunter: V!
Vee: Yeah?
Hunter: No, other V
Varian: The heck do you want Hunter?
Hunter: Yep, that V

Raine, Hunter, and Varian- The mullet buddies
Hunter: How was your possession experience?
Varian: Absolute shit. And I didn't even get a decent haircut out of it
Raine: Horrifying and painful. And I also have a new haircut
Hunter: What was up with his obsession with mullets anyway?

Varian learning his first glyph: I AM THE CREATOR OF LIGHT, BOW BEFORE ME, MORTALS

Hunter: You may be in her DMs, but she's in my bed and we're taking a quiz to see if either of us has autism

Luz: Everything you write is an existential nightmare
Hunter: My life is an existential nightmare

Gus: Guys! You won't believe what's going on!
Vee: A fight to the death?
Willow: Ooooh, been a while since I've seen one of those!
Luz: What

Luz: What's wrong with you two??
Hunter: Do you want a list?
Varian: I have a notebook!

Chapter Text

(In canon tts)
Moonstone Cassandra: Roses are red, lemons are sour
Moonstone Cassandra: *Points at Varian* Gimme that baby and I'd yeet him off a tower

Luz: You have to sleep at one point!
Hunter: Sleep is for the weak
Varian, emerging from the dark and smacking Hunter across the head with his staff: *Grins like nothing happened* And we have no weaknesses

Gus, talking about Matt(Tholomule): I have a crush... HOW DO I GET RID OF IT?!
Luz, sitting beside him: You don't!
Hunter and Varian: KILL THEM

Willow: You've been weirdly quiet today, way more quiet than usual.
Hunter: No one plans a murder out loud

Steve: you can’t just set all of your problems on fire!
Hunter and Varian: You’d be surprised at how many things are flammable

Graye made illusions of both Hunter and Varian-
Gus: WHICH ARE THE REAL ONES?!
Luz: I DON'T KNOW! THEY LOOK THE SAME
Willow: *Grinning* I got this
Willow, two sandwiches in hand: WHO WANTS IT?
The scouts hiding under illusions: what?
Hunter and Varian: ME BITCH

Amity: I pull girls
Matt: I pull guys
Luz: I pull both
Gus, smug grin: *Has what can only be called a rizzy face* I pull push doors

Lilith: Who needs people when you can have garlic bread?

Belos: Hippity-hoppity, I'm invading your property

Luz: When life gives you liemons, what do you do?
King: *Sadly* Make liemonade...
Luz: And what do you not do?
Eda: *Disappointed* Throw them at unsuspecting kids...

Luz: Have you seen Hamilton yet?
Hunter: Uh, no...?
*Two hours and 40 minutes later*
Hunter and Luz: ALEXANDER HAMILTON
Luz: What did they say to you to get you to sell New York City down the river?
Hunter, in the background: ALEXANDER HAMILTON
Luz: Did Washington know about the dinner? Was there Presidential pressure to deliver?
Hunter: ALEXANDER HAMILTON

Gus: Look! I found this cool human thing! *Pulls out a fuckass musical triangle*
Luz: Where did you even get that?!
Gus: The basement has many secrets, Luz, many secrets

Warden Wrath: No coven wants a powerless witch!
Hunter, a grimwalker (powerless and not even a witch): Excuse me?
Varan, a fucking human: *Sassy gasp* How dare thee!
(Both of them being the coven heads for the Emperor's Coven)

Varian: Wait, what's your favorite color?
Willow: Let's see... I care for many green plants, have green hair, my flyer derby team's color theme is green, what do you think it is?
Varian, unsure: Green...?
Willow: Nah, it's blue

Chapter Text

Varian: I got surprised adopted when I was a kid!
Camilla: Huh?
Hunter: He means he got kidnapped, *muttering* essentially...
Camilla: Oh cool- Wait, WHAT?!

Luz: Amity, I thought you were decorating for Halloween?
Amity: I am
Luz: You're hanging up pictures of Hunter though?
Amity: You said you wanted "scary decorations." I had to make do with ugly

Willow: Remember, murder is never the answer
Varian: Murder is the question
Hunter: And the answer is always 'yes'

Luz: Why should I trust you? You backstabbed your brother!
Belos: Luz, you're ignoring all the other perfectly valid reasons why you shouldn't be trusting me

Human officer: You're under arrest for attempting to carry five people on a motorcycle. *Looks at the group* Can any of you even legally drive?-
Luz, butting in: Darn it! Wait...did you say five people?
Willow: That can't be good
Gus: How did we not notice!
Amity: ...Shit
Hunter *Panik*: HOW DID I NOT REALIZE?!
The hex squad: VARIAN FUCKING FELL OFF

Hunter: I accidentally ate Amity's sandwich! How long do you think I have left to live?
Luz: Ten
Hunter: Ten what?!
Luz: Nine

Gus: He died as he lived...
Gus, standing over Belos's body: Ugly

Steve: Y'know, sometimes I wish I knew anyone sane

Odalia: I may be a shit parent, but at least I'm not homophobic

Adrien Graye: *Yapping about something to the coven heads*
Varian: *Just outside the door, pointing at Graye* My raccoon speaks more eloquently than thee... *Slides away.*

Steve: Hexide students! Are you lost?
Hunter and Varian: *Growl and put on their masks as they face steve*
Steve: Golden Guards!
Steve:...
Steve: Sooo, are ya lost?

Belos: And I will kill your friends and family to remind you of my love :D

Hunter, walks into Varians' room (They live with [Redacted] now): *Fucking dabs*
Varian, who was reading: *Sticks up middle finger*
Hunter: Fuck you too
Varian: I hate you
Hunter: I hate you more
Varian: Fuck you
Hunter: Mom made lunch, we got sandwiches
Varian: Kay, I'll be down in a moment
Hunter: *Thumbs up as he leaves* You better be!

Gus: Hunter, what does it mean?!
Hunter: Do I look like a walking encyclopedia to you?
Gus: ... Yes
Hunter: *Sighs* Fine

(It's the middle of the night)
Luz: *wakes up due to Gus being inches from her face*
Gus: Hey, I have an id- Please stop screaming- I have an idea!

Luz: *Scanning over witches she knows* Hmm
Luz: *Points at steve* Bass clarinet, *Points to Amity* Flute, *Points to Willow* Cello
Willow, to Amity: Wha- What's she doing?
Amity: No clue, but I can tell she's been thinking about it
Luz: Hunter- trumpet, Vee- violin, Edric- oboe, Emira- Clarinet *Voice fades off as she keeps listing everyone

Varian: I have fallen off of my staff so many times I can't even tell you, I swear to Titan

Chapter Text

Luz: Hey, y'all have been through a lot. Don't worry bros, I'll get you McNuggies
Varian and Hunter: Luz, what the fuck is a McNuggie??
Vee: Yay! :3

Steve, grinning: It's like I'm having feelings again. Like a little kid
Matt: Wtf
Steve: You remember feelings, right?
Matt: Uh, yeah?. I have feelings, like, every day of my life
Steve: You do?
Matt: Yes. Are you saying you don't have feelings...?
Steve: ... Lemme phone my therapist

Hunter: Why do people always say "kill yourself"?
Hunter: Kill me yourself bitch, don't be a coward

Vee: I was created by a bitch of a British man
Hunter: Same, but I technically came from the ground

Luz: How many last names do you guys even have??
Hunter: Uh, Deamonne Clawthorne Noceda Wittebane... Do Whispers and Tholomule count?
Varian: Yes on Whispers. Not so sure on Tholomule.
Hunter: So, not including Tholomule, five last names

Vee, staring at a bitten bar of soap: What the frick, I just wanted to shower
Gus: My bad :D

Luz: We have a sad but bad boy, and a bit less sad but equally bad boi
Amity: What...?
Luz: Hunter and Varian

Darius: Raine, the Golden Guard is here
Darius: It's the blondie
Darius: He's beating the shit out of witches
Darius: Wtf do I do?
Raine: Play dad
Darius: K 👍
Raine: *dead
Raine: Wait, no
Raine: Darius!
Darius: Did it twice. Both of them can sew now

Steve: We can conclude that everyone from the Emperor's Coven is fucked up
Steve: Our best pieces of evidence are
Steve: Lilith! Who oddly worships a person the moment they're in a position of power!
Steve: Hunter! Who... what can I really say? It's obvious enough
Steve: And Varian! Who... screw it, everyone is just fucked up

Camilla: Who traumatized you?
Hexsquad: The british
Camilla: Huh?
Luz: Belos

Luz: Eda, do you know that there's basically a cult in my school that worships you?
Eda: What
Luz: Yeah, Viney dragged me into it