Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

A panic attack, as a dictionary would define it, is a sudden feeling of intense fear causing physical reactions, like shortness of breath, dizziness, psychological distresses, even with no real threat or cause for it. Dan Howell defines it as fucking inconvenience. 

Sometimes he fully believes his brain is broken. He doesn’t understand why it’s him who has to get up at the table at the restaurant with his friends to go into the restroom to hyperventilate. He doesn’t understand why his hands shake profusely when meeting new people, or why he can’t get the courage to answer his own phone sometimes. He’s just…broken. 

So here he is, broken Dan. He stands in the restroom, thank god it’s one room with a toilet and sink and Dan can lock the door and not worry about anyone coming in. Dan’s large hands grip the side of the porcelain sink after splashing water on his face to try and calm the fuck down. The really annoying part about all of this is he has no idea what triggered it. There’s normally something that makes his head go into panic mode, but this time there was nothing beside maybe just being over stimulated in a crowded bar. 

The worst part is over, he reminds himself. The initial panic is done, it’s just him trying to catch his breath and look presentable enough to go back out into the public. He looks up into the dirty mirror that hangs above the sink. Dan doesn’t like what he sees. He’s glad he’s let his curls come through these last couple years instead of continuing to damage his hair with his straightening iron. The curls suit him way better. He feels like he’s found a better style for himself too. While still being the same old Dan, he is new and improved. Except when he’s like this. 

Dan hardly recognizes himself in the mirror. His eyes look bloodshot, his cheeks tear stained. Water drips off his nose. He could cry again if he keeps looking at himself, but he won’t. He has to suck it up. His friends are sitting at the table with drinks, laughing and having a good time on the other side of the wall. He can’t just leave, even though he desperately wants to. Dan takes one last look at himself. Recognizing his icy stare, he’s now created a mask. It makes him want to punch the mirror into a million pieces. Dan hates himself, it's clear. But he made himself this way. He turned himself into a cold, numb version of who he really is just to protect and hide his true self. 

“Fuck,” he curses under his breath. Dan grabs a paper towel and wipes his face. He takes a few more deep breaths before taking one last look in the mirror. 

He doesn’t look too bad, maybe a little red faced but other than that, he's fine. The lighting is dark, no one will know he’s just had a stupid panic attack in the toilet. He forces his head to forget that he’s looking at the shitty version of who he used to be, he can’t dwell too much on it or it will consume him. 

Dan unlocks the door of the restroom and flings it open. Pop music fills his ears, something by Ariana Grande he’s pretty sure. 

“Whoa,” Dan halts his feet when he almost runs into PJ as he steps into the large room. 

“Dan,” PJ frowns at him. He sounds mad, which makes Dan feel confused.

“PJ,” Dan says back in the same tone PJ used frowning back at him. 

"You've been gone for like ten minutes,” he says, crossing his arms over his chest. PJ wears a green knitted sweater since it’s freezing outside. His black circle glasses rests comfortably on his nose, reflecting the colorful lights that are dancing around the room. PJ is worried about him, Dan can tell but he’s not going to have Parent PJ scold him now, in public. 

“I was in the toilet,” Dan runs a hand through his curls. His forehead is still damp, making his fingers tug on his wet locks. 

“Are you ok–” 

Dan cuts him off, “Come on, Sophie is all alone.” Dan pulls on PJ’s arm to drag him back to the table. The bar is filled and they are lucky they got a seat when they did. 

“She’s not alone, Charlotte is there,” PJ rolls his eyes. Dan knows he is, he doesn’t have to look. 

"When did Charlotte get here?” Dan asks quietly as they snake their way through the rows of tables and people. 

“Oh, I don't know? Maybe during the hour you’ve been gone,” Pj snarky tone doesn’t bother Dan, this is always how they are to each other. 

“Thought I was only gone for ten minutes?” Dan raises an eyebrow at PJ’s contradicting words. 

“Same thing,” PJ huffs. 

“Whatever,” Dan finally sees the table with PJ’s partner, Sophie’s head of brown curls and their friend Charlotte's reddish bob. 

“Found him,” PJ announces as they both sit down across from each other at the table. Dan sits next to Charlotte and gives her a smile. 

“Thank god, we thought you were dead,” Sophie lets out an exaggerated sigh of relief, making Charlotte laugh. 

“Hey Char, how have you been?” Dan asks, turning to his friend.  

“Good,” she smiles back, “And you?”

“That's a loaded question,” Dan grabs his beer he’s half drunk on the table and takes a large swig of it. He grimaces, he hates beer. He’s not sure why the hell he ordered it. Maybe because he doesn’t think he deserves a nice drink, or a night out. He’s in the mood to punish himself, not be happy and jolly with his friends. 

“Lay it on me,” Charlotte turns her body slightly to face him more. 

“Yeah, Dan, lay your load on her,” PJ snorts. Sophie smacks PJ’s arm. 

“I’m fine,” Dan says, trying his best to give everyone a look of reassurance that he is actually okay and there's nothing that needs to be talked about. 

Obviously that's a lie. 

It would be worse if Dan blurts out that he is struggling, and they all force him to go to the hospital or something dramatic. And as much as Dan lives for the drama, he doesn’t really want it to be about him. 

“Can we talk about something else?” Sophie sighs.

“What, you don’t want Dan to lay his load on–”

“PJ!” Charlotte groans, interrupting him. Dan snickers. 

“I thought it was funny!” PJ says defensively, but he’s smiling. 

“Enough about loads,” Sophie grabs her drink. 

“This is bar talk,” PJ says with an eye roll, “Right, Dan?”

“Oh yeah,” Dan chuckles, “We talk about–”

It’s pretty quick when Sophie cuts Dan off this time telling him to shut up, but they all laugh about it. 

“I’m done with bar talk, let's plan a movie night so we can actually hear each other speak,” Sophie says. She’s right. They are yelling at each other trying to speak over the loud music. 

“What about next weekend?” Dan asks the group. Making plans with his friends excites him until he actually has to do it. So pushing it out a week is probably his best option then saying tomorrow. 

PJ and Sophie look at each other for a moment and Dan feels like something is off. He turns to Charlotte who doesn't say anything either. 

“I think we have plans…” Sophie says in a softer tone, Dan can barely hear her. 

“What plans?” Dan doesn’t know why he asked. He should have just said, ‘Oh, yeah no worries, let's find another day!’ But it’s obvious that they all have plans, from the look PJand Sophie are giving each other to her to Charlotte looking at her lap and avoiding eye contact. Something is up. 

“It’s uh…” PJ clears his throat, “Phil’s birthday party.”

“Oh.”

Fuck. Dan should have guessed it would have something to do with Phil. 

Phil is PJ, Sophie, and Charlotte's new best friend that Dan has been avoiding at all cost. 

“You should come, Dan,” Charlotte says, breaking the awkward silence. 

“I don't know,” Dan looks at PJ and Sophie for their reactions. 

“You should,” Sophie meets his gaze, “Phil won’t care. He’d love to meet you.”

I don’t want to meet him, Dan says in his head. 

“I’m not big on parties,” He says instead, but that's a total lie. He loves a good party, just with people he knows, not strangers. He hasn’t met Phil yet, and he really doesn’t plan to. His friends met Phil through PJ’s job, and Sophie and Charlotte love him. Dan can’t get enough of the stories they’ve been telling about Phil doing this and Phil doing that. They keep trying to get Dan and Phil to meet, but Dan has found every possible way to avoid it. He doesn’t like meeting new people and he has a good feeling that Phil and him wouldn’t really get along from the stories his friends have shared. Phil seems smart, confident, funny, and nice. All the things Dan is not. 

“It’s a small party, it’s no big deal,” PJ says, which surprises Dan that now PJ is on ‘Team Dan Should Go To Phil Lester’s Birthday Party’. PJ never really pushes these kinds of things. 

“Yeah, it's just at his and Chris’s apartment, and I think only a couple other people are going,” Charlotte says to him, “Just come with us, Dan. You’ll like Phil, it will be fun!”

“Yeah, why are you so scared of Phil?” PJ’s eyes narrow at Dan. He feels cornered. Like they are all shoving it down his throat. 

“I’m not scared of Phil,” Dan rolls his eyes. He looks away from his friends at the bar in the corner. He watched the bartenders pouring drinks, chatting with customers. He watches the lights flicker. This is all getting too overwhelming. He wants to leave this place. 

“Then come to the party,” Sophie pushes, like Dan doesn’t really have a choice. 

“Maybe next time,” He grabs his glass and finishes his beer. He doesn’t want to be here anymore. Dan places his empty glass on the table and stands up, a little too quickly because his head spins. He steadies himself by holding onto the table, “I’m gonna head out.”

“Dan,” Sophie's voice is sad, filled with concern, and it makes him feel bad but he pushes the thought away. He has to go. 

“I’ll see you guys,” he waves but doesn’t bother to look at his group of friends as he turns away and starts walking to the exit of the crowded bar. 

Dan feels stupid. He feels dumb for even asking about their plans, why could he just have left it alone?

They don’t understand why he can’t just go to Phil’s birthday party. First of all, he doesn’t know him at all. Every time his friends start droning on about Phil, Dan tunes them out. There’s no point in trying to make a friend that Dan knows won’t work or last. There’s a reason why Dan has only a few friends. He’s an introvert, he’s shy, he’s blunt, so basically rude, and he’s not interesting. By definition, Dan is not a friend. 

The cold winter air hits Dan’s in the face when he steps out of the bar. He’s not excited to walk to the tube alone, but he’d rather do this than stay at that table and have his friends try and bully him into going to a stupid birthday party for someone he doesn’t even like. 

He takes two steps further before someone grabs his arm. Dan turns around and sees Charlotte holding onto him. 

“Char,” Dan sighs, “I’m fine, just go back inside.”

“I don’t care if you're fine,” Charlotte lets go of his arm, “Listen, I don't care that you lie to us half of the time on how you feel, but really tell me why you are so weird about Phil?”

Dread forms like a pit in his stomach. The question Dan doesn’t know the answer to slaps him in the face. He can lie, he can lie his ass off because that’s what he’s good at. Or so he thinks. Charlotte seems to know he’s not telling the truth. So why lie to her about Phil? 

He opens his mouth to speak but Charlotte speaks for him. 

“Phil is a good person, Dan. He’s nice and he’s not going to make you feel like you're out of place or you don’t belong. Just come to the party with us, okay?” She pleaded with him. She’s almost begging him at this point. 

Dan could say no. Ruin his friendship with Charlotte and leave, let his anxiety take control. But he doesn’t want to risk it. Just like earlier in the restroom, he has to suck it up. 

“Fine,” Dan sighs. 

Charlotte smiles. Dan likes when she smiles, when she’s happy, because he cares for her. And he realizes more and more that caring for his friends means doing shit for them you normally wouldn’t ever do. 

“Come back in, have another drink,” she gestures for Dan to follow her towards the door but Dan knows better. 

“Thanks, but I really should go home,” he stuffs his hands in the pockets of his jacket. 

“Fine, but I expect a text when you get to your flat safely,” she points a finger at him. 

“Yes ma’am,” Dan salutes her like a soldier jokingly. Charlotte does it back to him before she heads inside with a smile on her lips. 

And Dan starts to head home. 

-

Work sucks. Getting a receptionist job wasn’t on his list of dream jobs when he dropped out of university and decided to work instead of getting a degree. But it pays the bills, and he doesn’t mind the office work. He does his shit, he keeps his head down, but still something ends up going wrong. It’s not his fault though, someone didn’t tell him about the papers piling up in the clinic that need to be put into the computer so Dan spends most of his lunch break trying to catch up on work he feels he shouldn’t have had to deal with in the first place. He pretends it doesn’t bother him, he smiles when his boss apologizes to him and tells her it's no big deal. He gets it done. He’s a hard worker, he’s heard it enough to know that. It still doesn’t change how he feels about himself. 

Dan gets home a little late, he missed his stop on the tube because he was zoning out. He thinks he was falling asleep since he’s fucking exhausted. It makes him hate himself even more. The first thing he does when he walks into his flat is strip from his work clothes, letting himself be in just his underwear. Finally feeling comfortable, he lays down on his bed and scrolls through his phone. 

He has barely any notifications worth noting. PJ sends him a Tumblr post about cats that Dan thinks he is supposed to find funny. But he doesn't laugh or smile at it. He does see one text message from his mum. He won’t look at it yet though. He knows what it says. She will claim she’s checking in on him, really it’s her trying to see if Dan has spoken to his father. She already knows the answer so Dan doesn’t get why she has to bother him about it, it just brings up bad memories. 

Dan nearly jumps out his skin when his phone starts rapidly vibrating in his hand. For a moment he’s terrified it’s his mother calling him but he’s wrong, thank god. 

He answers the call. 

“Hey Char.”

“Hey, are you busy?” Charlotte asks. Dan feels his heart beat slow at the sound of her voice. 

“Not really, I just got home from work.”

“Nice!” Charlotte sounds a bit too excited, it makes Dan way more curious to know why she’s calling. He doesn’t know why he’s nervous, but he is. Charlotte doesn’t call super often, and when she does it’s normally because she’s concerned about something. 

“So what’s up?” He bites his lip. 

“Just wanted to check in.”

Dan sighs. She only says that when she’s really worried about him. He feels bad that he worries his friends, he’s been way better than he used to be so he doesn’t get why they are still so concerned with him. 

“I’m good, how are you?” Changing the topic back to Charlotte is definitely one of Dan’s tricks to avoid talking about himself. Charlotte knows this, but she plays along. 

“I’m great. Did I tell you that PJ is getting me a job?”

“No! That's awesome,” Dan grins, truly excited for his friend. Charlotte proceeds to explain that the film project PJ is currently working on at work needs someone with Charlotte's skills and they are hiring her for the next few months. 

Dan is giddy as Charlotte talks more about it. Until she brings up Phil. 

“And I had lunch with PJ and Phil, it was so fun. Phil literally shot water out of his nose laughing so hard because PJ fell off his seat. He got spooked by a spider,” She laughs. Dan fake chuckles trying to not be a dick. 

“That’s hilarious," Dan says to her. He ignores the weird feeling in his chest, his heart feeling like going haywire.

“Yeah, I’m so excited for you to meet Phil, you'll love him,” she sounds so sure, making Dan confused as to how she got to this conclusion.

“You really think so?” he questions. 

“Yeah. I know it is tough meeting new people, but Phil is so laid back.”

Dan stares at the white ceiling above his head trying to picture what Phil looks like, what he acts like. It would be so easy for him to look him up on instagram but he doesn’t. It’s like when your ex gets a new partner and you’re terrified to know if they are prettier than you. So Dan avoids it. Like he does with everything he can’t handle in his life. 

“So, you’re still down to party on Saturday, right?” Charlotte asks when Dan doesn’t say anything. Her voice pulls him out of his thoughts. 

“Yeah,” he says back but he’s so sure Charlotte can hear the uncertainness in his voice. If she does, she doesn’t mention it. 

“Awesome. I gotta go do some work on this project, so I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

“Yeah, go enjoy.”

“Bye Dan.”

“Bye.”

-

He regrets it all. He’s a fucking mess. 

Dan sits on his couch in front of the television, keeping his tear filled eyes focused on the show he’s watching. But he’s barely paying attention, his head is somewhere else. Dan’s eyes wander from the TV to the crappy apartment he calls home. It’s the closest thing to home he can get. His safe space, even though he hates it.The neighbors are too loud, the place is falling apart, rent is way too high. It’s all fucking shit. But it's what he can afford, it’s what he can manage while working at the hospital. 

His head spins with the events of last week. Agreeing to go to Phil Lester’s birthday party was the biggest mistake he made. He was hypnotized by Charlotte's kind eyes and her words. And now Dan has less than twenty minutes until Charlotte, PJ, and Sophie are swinging by his flat to pick him up. Apparently Phil doesn’t live too far, but Dan is glad they can all go together. He hopes it will be less awkward than he thinks. But right now he has to calm his nerves. He can feel the panic attack coming on, the empty feeling in his gut is getting bigger and bigger. 

Dan’s eyes look back to the TV. He can’t even think right now, it’s all building up. His heart races as his vision blurs. The tears are coming and that is never good. Dan pulls his phone to his face quickly, he looks at the time. He has maybe ten minutes before they show up. He has got to get it together. 

Dan hurries to the bathroom, splashing ice cold water on his face to try and calm his nerves. He’s learned that cold anything is a good shock to his system to almost reset his brain. But this time it’s not working. He can feel the sobs rising in his throat, his hands are shaking. 

“Why, why why,” he groans to himself looking at the time again. Six minutes. 

There’s only so much he can do to get rid of this. He has a list, one he keeps on his phone for emergencies like this when he needs to calm down. So Dan pulls it up with trembling fingers. He hits his notes app and then finds his list titled ‘Things to do to calm the fuck down’. Dan clicks on it. 

1. Deep breathes

Yeah, would if I could, Dan thinks as he has already been trying to steady his breathing. It’s not working. 

2. Cold water on face / Cold shower

He doesn’t have time to take a cold shower even though he thinks that would do the trick at this moment. He keeps reading. 

3. Draw/paint

4. Write

5. Listen to music

6. Take a walk

7. Call someone

All of these are things Dan doesn’t have time to do, and he really doesn’t want his friends to walk into his apartment and see him like this so he needs something that would help him quickly. And there's not that much left on his list, really there's only one. 

8. Pain

There is a reason Dan put it last on the list, really it shouldn’t be on his list at all since he’s blocked himself from using pain as a coping mechanism for his panic attacks a long time ago. He used to use it way too much, it got way out of hand. It became Dan’s life line, the only thing that worked when the panic attacks started getting bad. Which just made the self harm get worse. 

A switch flips in his mind when he reads the words again, Dan can feel his chest getting tighter. He’s hyperventilating now. 

“What the fuck is wrong with me,” he says to himself clenching his teeth. He is still standing in the bathroom, his eyes wandering to the cabinet under the sink. 

He could use pain, it would be quick and he’d feel instantly better. He could grab the pack of fresh razor blades under the sink and do one quick slice on his upper thigh, cover it with a plaster and be good to go. His heart slows, only by a little at the thought of it. 

Deep down Dan knows he can’t. He’s been four years clean from cutting himself and he’s not going to break that streak over a panic attack about a stupid birthday party. 

The knock at his door fully pulls him out of the trance he was losing himself in. 

“Fuck.” 

They are here. Dan has to go. It’s like his body goes on pause mode. The panic attack is still there in his throat and stomach but it’s in a holding stage, like it’s waiting for him to give the go ahead. Maybe he can manage it tonight and then when he gets home he’ll finally have to let it out. Maybe then he'll be able to use the things on his list to help him then and not automatically have to resort to the last one, to pain. 

He wipes his tears away, takes a glance in the mirror to make sure he doesn’t look like he’s been crying. He totally does, but he doesn't have time to figure this out, so he walks swiftly to his front door and rips it open. 

His friends stood there smiling at him. PJ wearing a huge coat with a fur lined hood pulled up on his head. Sophie was almost the same thing but her coat is green, not blue like PJ’s. Charlotte has a black beanie on her head and is wrapped in a big wool sweater. 

“Hi,” he says to all of them as he grabs his black leather jacket from the coatrack to his right. He throws it on as he steps out the door and locks it with his key. 

“Let’s go!” Sophie exclaims as they start to walk down the hallway of Dan's apartment building. 

The air is so cold, it instantly burns Dan’s cheeks when they step outside. The four of them practically huddle together as they make their way down the road, arms links, bodies pushed together. 

They all make small talk that Dan hardly participates in. He's still trying to focus on breathing like a normal person but the closer they get to Phil and Chris’s flat, Dan isn’t doing so well. He’s hiding it of course, he is pushing all of it down. He has to. 

They get to the apartment building and make their way to the door labeled ‘29’. Dan can not stand the sick feeling in his stomach as PJ knocks on the door. But he feels Charlotte's hand intertwined with his, giving it a comforting squeeze. Dan gives her a smile which she reciprocates. 

He recognizes Chris when the door opens. Chris is another friend of PJ’s. Dan has at least met Chris before. He’s nice, but Dan of course keeps his relationships to a minimum so he’s never really tried to form anything other than an acquaintanceship with Chris. 

“Hey guys, welcome to the party,” Chris smiles as he pulls the door wider for them to all pile in. 

Everyone starts to strip from their coats and hats, but Dan just ends up looking around the room. The lounge is bigger than his, a gray couch against the wall with a large television across from it. Shelves covered in books, movies, and figures from video games and cartoons are mounted to the walls. Along with some frames, movie posters and art that Dan finds kind of interesting. The room smells like pine needles and Dan notices a paper happy birthday sign draped underneath the TV. A few colorful balloons are thrown on the floor. There are two people talking by the couch. Dan can only really see one person with dark hair as the other person is blocked by the first one’s body. A girl sits on the couch with a drink in her hand as she is watching whatever film is playing on the television.

Dan finally takes off his leather jacket and hangs it up with everyone else's. 

Chris and PJ are chatting while Charlotte and Sophie make their way over to who Dan assumes is Phil. And he’s right. The person Dan couldn't see finally comes into view when Sophie yells ‘Happy Birthday!’ and gives the man a hug. 

Dan can feel his stomach twist and his heart race even more than before. 

Fuck, fuck fuck. 

“Oh, and you have to meet Dan!” 

Dan’s ears perk up when Sophie mentions his name. Her eyes land on him and he knows this is it. He is trying so hard to act normal, but it’s not working. He’s fucking shaking right now and he feels so lightheaded. 

“Dan!” Sophie calls for him, giving him a wave to come here. So he obliges. His feet feel like they weigh a ton as he forces himself to take four steps over to them. 

He finally makes eye contact with the famous Phil Lester. And it's not what he expects. 

“This is Dan. Dan, meet Phil,” Sophie introduces them. 

“Hey, nice to finally meet you!” Phil smiles at him. Dan’s knees wobble. 

“Hi,” his voice cracks. 

It’s bad enough that Dan has the worst social anxiety ever and meeting new people is like pulling teeth. But Phil makes it even worse by being the prettiest man Dan has ever seen. 

ᯓ★

Chapter Text

“So,” Ruby shifts in her chair, crossing her legs as she smiles at Dan who sits across from her, “Tell me about the party. What did you guys do?”

He doesn't want to tell her, but he brought it up last time so now he doesn’t really have a choice but to talk about it. That’s why he’s here, at therapy, to talk about all of the reasons why he acts the way he acts, and does the things he does. He’s here so he doesn’t do something he’s not supposed to do, to be blunt, hurt himself or worse. 

Dan sighs, “It wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be, we played board games and drank spiked apple cider. I guess it was just a bit overwhelming.”

“What was overwhelming? You met the infamous Phil, right?” She pushes. 

The memory plays back in Dan’s head when they had arrived at the party. Dan was so nervous meeting Phil he knew he looked like an idiot shaking in his boots, literally. He also met Zoe and Alfie, friends of Phil's that were just as nice as him. Dan knows he looked like an idiot in front of them too. 

Dan nods, “Yeah, he’s…uh…” Dan has to think for a moment to try and find the right words to describe Phil. 

“He’s loud,” is the first thing that comes to Dan’s mind.

Rudy nods as she writes on her note pad, “And?”

“He’s nice, I guess,” Dan looks out the window. He’s been doing this for too long to sit here and make Ruby force information out of him. But he’s really just wanted to suppress Phil’s birthday party since it happened. Ruby can tell. 

Phil was not what he wanted him to be. He wanted Phil to be rude, and annoying and not someone he’d ever want to be friends with. But Phil was nothing like that and that just made all of this worse. Phil was attractive, first of all. Dan was kind of pissed that none of his friends mentioned how pretty he was with his piercing blue eyes and sexy smirk he was pulling all night. 

Phil has brown hair that gives off a red tinge in different lighting, fringe on his forehead with sides and back cut short. His skin is pale and milky and looks incredibly soft. Dan liked his face shape, his smile, and his laugh was contagious. It also sucked that Phil was so fucking nice. Maybe he was just trying to be a good host, Dan had thought to himself when Phil constantly was asking if he needed a beverage or thanking him for coming. He wanted to hate Phil, not think he’s hot. 

“Dan,” Ruby narrows her eyes at him, so Dan stops looking out the window.

“Sorry,” he mutters. 

“Don’t apologize, you're distracted though. Want to tell me what's really going on?”

“I just want to not like him, yanno?” Dan finally lets it out, “They talk about him all the time, like he's the greatest thing ever and it just would piss me off that I’m not like him, and now I think I see why they all like him.”

“They being your friends right? PJ and Sophie?"

“Charlotte too,” he nods, “He was just so nice, and kind to me. And he’s…”

Dan takes in a deep breath before he admits what he’s only admitted in his head, “He’s really fucking attractive.”

Ruby smiles. She tucks her blond hair behind her ear and sits up in her chair. 

“Really? So you’re…attracted to him?” She smiles, her red lips curve up forming matching dimples in her cheeks. 

“Maybe,” Dan feels uncomfortable, "it's complicated.”

“How so?”

“He’s pretty for sure, but I don’t really know anything about him.”

“Any chance you think you would be interested in dating him?”

Dan shifts uncomfortably in his seat. He wants to say no, but he doesn’t say no because his heart is made of ice and he refuses to let people in from how his parents treated him as a child. He doesn’t say no because he doesn’t think he as a human is really worthy of that type of love and affection. So instead he says something to avoid talking about himself. 

“He wouldn't be interested in dating me,” Dan sighs. His eyes wander to the window again. It’s snowing. 

“Why are you so sure about that?” Ruby asks him. 

Truthfully, Dan doesn’t have a good reason. 

“I don't know,” he mumbles, “He doesn’t seem like my type. I doubt he thought of me in that way at all anyways, I barely spoke to the man.”

“You were nervous, nothing wrong with that,” Ruby shrugs, "Maybe the next time you see him, you can get to know him better. You guys can be just friends if you don’t feel it could be romantic.”

Dan wants to laugh. He doubts he’ll ever see Phil again, or make any effort to be friends with him. Also Ruby and him both know it was more than just being nervous, he was riddled with anxiety. 

“Probably not. He is so extroverted, I don’t think I’ll be around him much anymore.”

Ruby nods and writes something down on her notepad again. She doesn’t push him anymore about it, it is obvious Dan doesn’t want to discuss Phil Lester anymore. 

She ends up changing the subject to Dan’s struggles with the panic attacks and how he was very close to resorting to pain before leaving for the party. Ruby praises him for not following through and recommends removing that from his list. She ends up printing an even bigger list off a website of safe alternatives to self harm. Dan has at least five of these papers at home, but he doesn’t say anything. He thanks Ruby and when their time is up he thanks her again. They schedule his next appointment and Dan leaves his therapy office. 

He feels exhausted when he gets home. His goal is to eat a huge bowl of pasta and rot into his couch until he has to get up and get ready for bed. He throws a pot of water on the stove as he opens his phone and flips through his little notifications. 

But one catches his eye. It does more than that, it makes his eyes water, his heart starts thumping rapidly. 

Phil sent him a follow request on Instagram. He stares at it for a moment before clicking on it. Suddenly, his phone buzzes in his hand as another notification from Instagram springs to the top of the screen. 

[amazingphil] has requested to send you a message! 

Dan feels a lump form in his throat. Phil messaged him too? 

Why? He asks in his head. Dan knows he didn’t make that good of an impression on Phil for him to actually message him. The follow request was surprising enough, but a direct message is too much. It’s probably just Phil thanking him for coming to his birthday party Dan assumes. But it still makes him feel weird. 

He accepts Phil's follow request and also requests to follow him back to be polite. Then Dan clicks on the message and reads it in his head. His eyebrows furrow. 

[amazingphil] : Glad you came to the party, you'll be at the next one yeah?

Next one? Dan doesn’t know how to reply to it except with a lie. Instead, he chooses to avoid it. Like fucking always. 

[danielhowell] : thanks for having me!

He doesn’t acknowledge the second part of Phil's message because there's no way he’s going to another party with Phil. Just the thought of it makes him feel like he’s going into cardiac arrest. Dan puts his phone down now, the water has started to boil so he pours in some dry pasta and gives it a stir. 

Two loud vibrations came from Dan’s phone. He feels his stomach twist again. 

Of course Phil had messaged him back.

[amazingphil] : 56 Norwood Rd tomorrow at 10 

[amazingphil] : See you then!! 

Dan throws his phone on the counter. Obviously ignoring Phil’s comment about another party didn’t work. 

“No, fuck that,” he says out loud. 

He is not going to another party. Especially not with Phil Lester who he barely knows and he doesn’t even like him that much! Sure, Phil is nice and pretty, but Dan’s not making an effort to hang out with him. He would die if did that. He would be so uncomfortable and miserable the whole night. His brain spirals with possibilities. He doesn’t even know where this place is! He doesn’t know whose house this is, or if it's a club or bar. Phil will probably say hi to him and then ditch him for his more fun friends and then Dan will be alone and look stupid. It swallows him, the feeling of fear, the feeling of abandonment, just something new. 

The part that really gets him is when his phone suddenly starts vibrating again. He almost doesn’t look at it until he realizes someone is calling him. 

It’s PJ. 

Dan answers the call. 

“Hello?”

“Hey Dan.”

“Hi PJ.”

“What are you doing tomorrow?”

Dan gets that sick feeling in his stomach again. 

“Um, I dunno. Why?”

“Phil invited us to this club, you should come.”

Dan rolls his eyes. Shit. 

“A club? I don’t know about that, PJ.”

“Please Dan. I promise it will be fun. You had a great time at Phil's birthday! He wants you to be there!” 

Dan is so confused again why PJ is pushing this. PJ has barely cared if Phil and him hang out until the whole ‘Phil’s birthday party’ thing happened, and now this? Dan doesn’t get why Phil wants him to come, it’s not like they had this moment of friendship at the party. They played board games, and Dan stayed mostly quiet while Phil entertained them all with weird facts and jokes. 

“Why? He doesn’t even know me,” Dan didn’t mean for that to come out so harsh, but it did. 

“He wants to get to know you,” PJ tries to plead with him. 

“Sure,” Dan stirs the pot of pasta, “And I want to join the circus and be a clown, but we don’t always get what we want, right?”

“Dan.” 

PJ is annoyed and Dan doesn’t get it. He’s always sarcastically rude with PJ. It’s how they talk, how they act around each other. But now it’s like PJ wants him to be serious about a stupid club? And of course it's all about Phil.  

“Does it make a difference if I say I am going to have so much fucking anxiety if you make me go to a club, PJ?” Dan lets out a frustrated breath. 

“Not really. I know things like that scare you, but that's all the more reason to do it. Face your fears, yeah?” PJ is trying to help him. But Dan just wants to laugh at him. 

Dan rolls his eyes, “You’re telling someone with severe anxiety to face their fears?” 

“Exposure therapy, it works sometimes,” PJ argues. 

“Yeah, sometimes," Dan points out. 

“Whatever, come to the stupid club or I’ll leak the video of you doing karaoke on your birthday last year,” PJ threatens. 

“You wouldn’t,” Dan scoffs, but he knows PJ isn’t joking.

“Try me, Howell. I have plenty more embarrassing videos of you.”

Dan can tell PJ is smiling through the phone. Just like how Charlotte was begging him to come to Phil’s birthday party, Dan could say no. But that risks PJ actually being upset with him, him losing a friend. He thinks maybe he’ll pregame by himself, get drunk enough to not care about what's going on at this stupid club. But Dan knows that wouldn’t do any good. He is grateful PJ will be there, probably Sophie and Charlotte too. So he’ll have friends, people he trusts at his side. 

“Fine, but you’re picking me up,” Dan bites his lip nervously. He regrets his decision already. 

“Cool,” PJ replies, “Be ready by nine.”

And he hangs up the phone. 

-

All Dan can think about is going the fuck home as music pounds in his ears. Him and Sophie were standing by the bar in the front of the club. The layout of the place is pretty simple. Bar in front, dance floor in the middle and DJ at the back. It’s almost like a balcony instead of a stage as the DJ booth is almost ten feet in the air. Colored lights dance around the room making Dan feel dizzy. It’s crowded with people. Dan knows they are lucky they found a spot to order drinks. Sophie is screaming over the music trying to order as Dan stands guard behind her. 

So much for a movie night, Dan thinks to himself. He doesn’t understand why his friend keeps doing whatever Phil wants to do. They hardly go to bars to drink, but now they are clubbing? It makes him not like Phil even more. He doesn’t get why Sophie or PJ agreed to this. Also Charlotte, but surprisingly she looks like she’s having a great time. 

Dan can see her and PJ on the dance floor. Phil too. They are laughing and dancing, having a blast. Dan sulks even more. 

Finally, Sophie gets their drinks and Dan instantly starts to chug his. 

“Slow down there, big boy,” Sophie laughs at him but Dan doesn’t care, he finishes the drink. 

“I need to be drunk,” Dan wipes his mouth with his sleeve letting out a long breath. His mouth feels numb from the taste of vodka.

They are making their way to their friends pushing passed people and snaking through the crowds. It’s so overwhelming that Dan can barely even think. 

“Really? Is it that bad?” She's being genuine now, her eyes are wide with concern. 

“It’s…” Dan doesn’t know what to say. No, it’s not that bad, it could be way worse. He is managing to mask pretty well. He’s not crying, screaming, or throwing up. But on the inside he’s doing all three, “It’s manageable right now.”

“I know PJ was pushy, he just wanted you to have a good time and not be left out, yanno?" Sophie smiles at him as they walk onto the dance floor to join the rest of the group. 

“I know,” Dan smiles back at her. He should be grateful his friends dragged him to things like this. Granted he despises it, it does make him feel good that his friends care enough to get him out of the house. 

He thinks back to a couple years ago when things got really bad and how Sophie and PJ showed up to his flat almost every day to check on him. Charlotte was constantly calling and texting him just to know he was still alive. It was way more than any of his real family had done. 

So for a moment Dan says fuck it and enjoys himself. He puts up a wall in his mind. No, a box actually, with a lock so that he can shove all the anxiety monsters into it and lock it up. Because for ten minutes he wants to dance on the dance floor with his friends and feel normal. He knows he’s not, he knows he’s broken in so many different ways and there is no real fixing it. He’s tried medication, he’s tried therapy, he’s tried everything. He’s just broken. 

But right now, Dan forgets about all of that. Right now he’s having fun, jumping to the beat, his body pushing into PJ. He can feel the alcohol going straight to his head making him feel woozy. But he likes it. He closes his eyes and pretends he’s in a dream. It works. For a good couple songs Dan forgets about all his anxiety and depression, for once he’s just a person having a good time. 

And then the song changes, and the group feels a little worn out. But Dan wants to keep going, keep dancing and jumping. Because if they stop he'll feel it again, the shame, the sadness, all of it. 

“Do you guys want to go to this bar down the street?” Phil yells to all of them over the new song that's blasting through the speaker, “It’s a lot more chill!”

They all nod and agree to leave. As much as Dan wants to stay, he goes along with what everyone else wants to do. So the five of them head out the doors of the club. Dan can barely feel the cold air, he thinks the alcohol is keeping him warm as they all walk together down the road. The bar Phil leads them to is quite small, but Dan likes the vibe. They find a large table in the back and they all sit down for a second to strip from their coats and hats. 

“Sophie, let's go get drinks for everyone,” PJ says, reaching for Sophie’s hand. 

She nods and asks what everyone wants. Dan gives her his order and watches as they head for the bar. 

Charlotte says she needs to go to the restroom and leaves the table as well. Dan starts to realize he’s alone…alone with Phil. 

Shit. 

“I’m glad you came,” Phil says to him, giving him that smirk Dan finds so pretty on his face. He tries to ignore it. 

“Yeah, it was fun,” Dan nods trying to avoid direct eye contact. He feels so awkward. 

“Do you guys go clubbing a lot?” Phil is smiling at him. 

“I mean we go to bars sometimes, but we don’t go clubbing a lot.”

“Why did PJ tell me you guys did?” Phil cocks his head. 

“To fuck with you maybe?” Dan responds, "That's kind of what PJ likes to do.”

Phil rolls his eyes, “I'm an idiot.”

“You’re not.” Dan looks around the bar, it's not super crowded which is odd for a Saturday night. Dan likes the low lighting and mix match chairs. He likes the art on the walls and the smell of sandalwood. 

It's not bad here, he actually feels comfortable. 

“So what do you guys normally do instead?” Phil asks him, changing the subject. 

“Play video games? Watch films?” Dan shrugs his shoulders. 

“Do you like Zelda?” 

Dan finally looks at Phil and stops trying to avoid Phil’s magnetism. 

“Yeah, Zelda’s cool.”

“What about Mario Kart?”

“Everything Mario is cool,” Dan says back. 

“Okay, agreed,” Phil nodded, “Do you like Pokemon?”

“Yeah...”

And they keep going. But it turns into more than just video games. Phil starts questioning Dan on the films he likes, and Dan's responses are full of ‘Yes’. Dan is surprising himself every time Phil names something that Dan loves. Films turn to books, and then music. Dan can feel the anxiety melting off of him. Phil has a lot more in common with him than he thinks. 

He doesn’t even notice when his friends join them again at the table placing drinks in front of them. They are still rattling off things to agree with. Dan has been taking over, questioning Phil now and it isn’t until they get to the food category that they disagree. 

“Cake?”

“Duh,” Phil grins, “Who doesn’t like cake?”

“Cupcakes?”

“That’s the same thing,” Phil rolls his eyes. 

“Whatever,” Dan sighs and then moves on. 

“Cheese?” Dan says causally because at this point it’s a fucking game to see how long they can go. 

Phil makes a fake puking noise, “Ew, no.”

“What!” Dan almost jumps from the table, “Cheese? Cheese is the one thing you don’t like?!”

“I dislike a lot of things, including cheese,” Phil smiles at Dan's dramatic reaction. 

“What about pizza?!” Dan exclaims. 

“I like pizza, okay? Just not with a truck load of cheese on it or something,” Phil shrugs. 

“I’m going to force you to eat a bunch of cheese until you like it,” Dan leans back in his chair and crosses his arms over his chest. He lets a smirk appear on his lips watching Phil’s face shift to horror. 

“No the fuck you’re not,” Phil responds back with a cheeky smile. 

“You have to like cheese, Phil. What about mac and cheese, and mozzarella sticks?”

“First of all, I don’t have to like cheese. You’re not the food police.”

“What if I am?”

“No–”

Phil can’t even reply because Sophie is butting her way into the conversation, “Hey lovebirds! Hello?!”

She waves her hand in front of Dan’s face. 

Lovebirds?

“What?” Dan looks at her confused. 

“You two have been so deep in this conversation, did you not realize PJ is doing karaoke?” Her eyes are wide and Dan immediately turns his head to the small stage at the back of the bar. Dan hadn’t even noticed they had karaoke here. 

But there’s PJ, swaying to the music as he horribly yells into the microphone. 

“Oh, this means payback,” Dan quickly pulls out his phone to record PJ so the next time he threatens Dan with his karaoke video, Dan can pull this out. 

“How drunk is he?” Phil laughs.

“He did at least four shots with Charlotte," Sophie says. 

“Oh god,” Phil shakes his head with a grin on his face. 

“Where is Charlotte?" Dan looks around for his friend. But it doesn’t take long to spot her hanging around the stage like she’s waiting for her turn. 

After PJ is done belting Mariah Carey at the top of his lungs, Charlotte takes the stage. They all love it when Charlotte sings a My Chemical Romance song. Dan and the rest of them are cheering for her when PJ gets back to the table. 

The night comes to an end when Sophie has to hold Charlotte's hair while she pukes in the bushes outside the bar. They all link arms, putting Charlotte and PJ in the middle since they are the drunkest, and walk down the road to get to the tube station. 

Phil ends up on Dan’s right. And even though Dan had only a few drinks, he feels tipsy enough to lean into Phil, just barely so Phil doesn’t notice it. Phil smells like a cupcake laced with cinnamon. Dan inhales him, like he can't get enough of the scent. He hopes Phil doesn’t notice him doing this. It’s bad enough he’s so awkward around him, he doesn’t want Phil to fully think he’s a weirdo. 

“We’ll do a movie night next time, yeah?” Phil ends up saying to Dan. His voice is quiet like a whisper so only Dan can hear. 

He nods, “Yeah, for sure.”

Phil smiles. A smirk that makes Dan’s head spin and his chest tighten. And like a wave of fear, Dan’s anxiety is back taking over his head.

ᯓ★

Chapter Text

Dan still feels drunk when he wakes up, but he knows he’s just hungover. His mind is awake, but Dan refuses to move from his bed. His twenty eight year old body aches and his stomach feels like it's been gutted. When he opens his eyes he’s blinded by the stream of white light coming through his curtains. It makes his brain pound with pain. 

He’s only happy he had a good time last night. That Phil wasn’t the dick he thought he’d be. Dan realizes now it was a lot of jealousy clouding his judgement. His friends like some new guy who seemed to be all the things Dan wished he could be. And Phil being attractive was one of those things as well. 

It’s a lot of restless sleep before Dan finally looks at his phone to see what time it is. It’s just after one in the afternoon. Like his father would say, ‘Your whole day is wasted’. Dan doesn’t like it when his father’s voice is in his head. So he decides to get his ass up before he falls deeper into a spiral.

Dan's body cracks and groans as he shifts to vertical and attempts to stand up. His legs are wobbly as he makes his way to the bathroom connected to his bedroom. Dan does his typical morning routine, just slower. He pisses, brushes his teeth, and showers. He washes off all the bar smell, all the faded smells of alcohol and something else Dan doesn’t remember. He smells like a cupcake soaked in vodka and sweat. 

Not appealing. 

Dan stands in the shower until the water runs cold, which takes less than twenty minutes. He throws on more pajamas since he’s decided he’s not leaving his house today. He feels better when he forces himself to eat some buttered toast and eggs even though his stomach has had him nauseous since he got up. The hangover routine is one Dan knows well; shove food down your throat even if you feel like you need to hurl, chug water, and pop ibuprofen like it’s fucking candy. 

It feels nostalgic as Dan twists open the cap on his bottle of pain killers. He dumps at least three into his hand. It is funny how normal things can trigger him so easily. Holding the pills makes Dan have the urge to add one more to the pile. So he does. He thinks four should be plenty to cure the raging headache he has. But something else tugs at him, a painful urge to keep adding pills. See how many it takes to cure the pain in his chest, the dread in his stomach, the brokenness in his brain. How many pills does it take to just sleep forever, to not feel any of the constant anxiety that leaves him feeling useless and alone? How many…

Dan stops himself and takes the four pills with a huge glass of water. He puts the cap back on and shoves the bottle back into the cabinet above his kitchen sink. 

Dan goes back to bed. 

-

[amazingphil] Do you like shrek?

The question has Dan debating on if he should laugh and not. Of course he likes Shrek, who fucking doesn’t? But Phil could be joking, or being serious. It's hard to tell when you don’t really know someone. He knows maybe about half of the things Phil is interested in from the game they played at the bar a few days ago, but he doesn’t know Phil yet as a person. Only maybe that he is kind of gullible, and that he seems nice. 

Dan also debates on responding at all. He feels like can’t manage a conversation right now. 

Work was supposed to be normal for a Tuesday, but there was something off about it. He didn’t sleep well, so his brain was only half awake when he got to work. He downed two cups of crappy coffee, but it didn't help. Somehow work drains him. He gets an overloading amount of emails that makes him feel like it will be impossible to work through. He gets through most of them, the important ones first and saves the unimportant ones for tomorrow. Dan forgets his lunch in his sleepy daze this morning so he has to fork out money for overpriced hospital food from the cafeteria. And at the end of the day he gets a phone call from a woman who swears she has an appointment tomorrow in the clinic, but Dan can’t find anything in the system. And when he finally gets her off the phone she calls back and starts the whole thing over again. 

Dan is so ready to shut everyone out when he gets home. He doesn’t even bother making himself dinner; he just strips from his clothes and jumps into his bed. 

And now he stares at Phil Lester’s message to him, actually like he is trying to decipher a secret message or something. He’s going to reply when his phone starts vibrating. The name flashing on his screen is enough to make his stomach twist so bad he thinks he’s going to puke. He doesn't really have a choice but to answer his mum. He’s been avoiding her messages so he knew a call would be coming through. 

“Hello?”

“Daniel! Thank Jesus you are alive.”

“Sorry mum, I’ve been slammed at work–”

“I don't want to hear your excuse. Have you spoken with your brother recently?” Her tone sharp like a knife. 

“No, but he called me last month, told me he was fine at school.” Dan twists a lock of his hair in between his finger tips nervously. Why is she bringing up his brother?

“I can’t ever get a hold of you boys, it’s like trying to call the dead,” his mother huffs. Dan knows why his brother isn’t answering his mother, they both are doing the same thing. 

Avoiding.

“Mum, I’m sorry, truly–”

It’s like he can’t even speak, "Don't apologize for it, it’s fine,” She huffs again. 

Dan rolls his eyes. She just yelled at him about it, but now it's fine. 

Whatever.

“I know your going to say no, but have spoke with your–”

“No.” 

Why does she ask me if she knows the answer?

“How did you know what I was–”

“Becasue I know, mum. It’s the only reason you call.”

He shouldn’t have said that. Fuck, he’s literally asking for a fight from her. 

“That’s not true.” She snaps at him, and for some reason Dan can’t keep his opinions to himself right now.

“It is. You call and ask if I’ve spoken with dad, I say no. That's the extent of our relationship right now.”

"Well excuse me for being concerned about your father, you know how he is!”

“I know.” He doesn't want to argue with his mother, it's like no matter what they have some sort of stupid spat about the past every time they talk. For once Dan wishes they could have a normal relationship but he knows that doesn’t exist, not with them. He can barely look at her without hating her, how is he supposed to move on from all the pain she put him through? 

“Why are you worried about him?” Dan asks her. It’s a loaded question, his mum could answer in a million different ways, but there really only one that she will use. 

“He’s my husband, Dan.”

Dan mouths the words at the same time she speaks them, mocking her. It’s like a film he’s watched over twenty times, he knows the script. 

“Your husband who tortured you, and your children,” Dan says the words way harsher than he should. He shouldn’t have said them at all. 

Because without another word the line is dead. His mother had hung up. 

“Fuck,” he pulls the phone form his ear. 

Instant rage takes over his body. Heat rises to his cheeks. It’s not Dan’s fault she doesn’t want to hear the truth, he can’t sit here anymore and defend the man that put him through hell during most of his life. And his mother did nothing about it. She was probably subject to more of the torment then Dan and his younger brother were, but still it doesn't make her see how much of a monster he is. 

He’s so angry he can’t control himself when his finger clicks the message app on his phone. He types out the most angry, rude, and vulgar message he can send to his mother. He rattles off all the ways it’s her fault his father abused them, it's her fault Dan can barely get out of bed sometimes. It’s her fault he can’t breathe when he steps out of the apartment that is far from a home to him.  The message gets longer when he starts to defend his brother, and how it was never fair to him. And how it wasn’t fair to Dan to take care of him when he was only a child, no more than ten trying to fight off his junkie of a dad. 

Dan doesn’t even realize he's crying until a tear falls on his phone screen. Dan stops typing. The message is distasteful, it’s rushed and impulsive. More importantly, it’s all a lie. He deletes it. He doesn’t send it. He turns off his phone, throws it next to him in the bed and closes his eyes. Tears slip from the corners of his eyelid and melt into his cheeks. Crying about his mom is so old. He doesn't get why he feels like this still. 

Ruby would tell him it’s okay to feel like this, that no matter how hard we work to move through trauma we still feel it. It still lives in us. But Dan doesn’t want it to live in him anymore, he wants it gone all gone. 

Dan goes back to phone, back to Instagram, where it's still open on Phil’s question about Shrek. He wants to reply, start a conversation with a possible new friend and forget about how his parents make him feel. But the heavy feeling on his chest makes him not. His phone practically slips through his fingers, falling back onto his mattress. Dan pulls his blanket over his head as he slips into a state of nothing.

-

“You never answered my text,” Phil stands at Dan’s front door covered in snow. The snow storm had been on and off throughout the day but on Dan's way home from work the snow had gotten heavier. It was almost a blizzard outside. 

But here Phil Lester was, wrapped in a thick black coat with a blue beanie on his head. Dan watches the snow flakes melt into the fabric. He is so surprised by Phil’s sudden appearance he feels dizzy, his heart is fucking racing like its going to explode if it goes any faster. 

Dan stares back at Phil just trying to fully comprehend what's happening. He was sleeping, only wearing a pair of loose boxers and a long sleeve black shirt when pounding at his door woke him up. He expected it to be his mother honestly. He had opened the door, saw it was Phil and immediately was confused. 

He rubbed the sleep from his eyes thinking maybe he was still dreaming seeing Phil at his doorstep. When Phil didn’t disappear, Dan felt his stomach drop into his ass. 

“So you come here in a blizzard?”  Dan mouths gapes open as he stares at Phil. Phil just nods and smiles. 

Who is this guy? Dan thinks in his head. 

“Are you going to let me in? It’s freezing,” Phil takes the beanie off his head, the snow once coating it was gone.  

“Oh yeah. Shit, sorry,” Dan opens the door wider and Phil comes in. 

“Sorry it's a mess,” Dan is nervous as he closes his front door and turns to see Phil taking off his snow covered boots. It feels weird to Dan seeing Phil standing in his flat. He just didn’t expect it to happen this soon. Maybe after a couple of weeks of getting to know each other he’d invite everyone over to hang out but Phil still feels like a stranger to him. And now he stands in front of the stranger in his underwear. 

“Yeah right, you should see my bedroom,” Phil laughs. Dan doesn’t laugh back. He is now fully aware he is in nothing but his pants and a long sleeve shirt in front of a super hot guy in the middle of his lounge. 

Fuck. 

“One second,” Dan says as he bolts to his bedroom and throws on a pair of joggers. He glances at himself in the mirror and sees his curls are a mess so he tries to wet them down with some water. He still looks a mess with his rosy cheeks and sleepy eyes that are barely open but it's better than before. He feels less exposed. 

Dan walks back out to see Phil hanging up his coat. He likes Phil’s sweater he has on, it's covered in little cartoon corgi’s. 

Phil smiles at him when he notices Dan is back in the room. 

“Did you walk here?” Dan asks him. Phil’s cheeks are bright red along with the tip of his nose. It looks like he’s been out in the cold for at least an hour.

Phil nods, “It was kind of fun. I just pretended I was in a film, on a mission or something.”

Phil chuckles at himself and Dan just cocks his head, staring at him. He is still in awe that Phil decided to walk through a snow storm to his flat. 

“All because I haven't responded to your message?” Dan is still trying to get Phil's story straight. 

A man he barely knows walked through a blizzard to his home just because he didn’t respond to his message from a few days ago? Dan isn't used to this. PJ and Sophie don’t come over unannounced unless they are really worried about Dan, and Charlotte normally just spams him with calls if she wants to get a hold of him. 

“It was a very important message, Daniel,” Phil shoots him a look. Dan is thrown for a second when Phil uses his full name.

“How did you get my address?” Dan can’t help but keep asking questions. He needs to get the full story or else his brain will make things up to fill in the gaps. 

But when Phil opens his mouth to speak Dan interrupts, “Wait, let me guess. PJ, right?”

Phil nods. 

“Fuck,” Dan mutters under his breath. It’s really bothering him that PJ is butting into his life like this. First forcing him to attend Phil’s parties and then giving Phil his address. He knows PJ wants them to be friends with each other, but it’s too much for Dan.

“Listen, I wouldn’t pull up on you like this if it wasn’t super important,” Phil tries to explain. 

But Dan feels like that is exactly something Phil would do, especially with PJ behind it.

“What was the question again?” Dan’s brain can’t bother to remember what he ate for dinner last night let alone remember the message Phil sent him days ago. 

Phil rolls his eyes with a small smirk on his lips, “Do you like Shrek?”

Dan remembers now. He remembers the conversation he had with his mother that put a block on his thoughts to actually communicate back to Phil. 

“Uh, yes?” 

“That sounds like a question and not a statement,” Phil stares blankly at him. 

“It’s a statement, who doesn’t like Shrek?” Dan sounds more confident now, slightly mimicking when he asked Phil if he liked cake. 

“Losers,” Phil smirks at him and Dan really sees how pretty he is, “Anyway, I’m throwing a Shrek themed party tomorrow night and everyone has to dress up.”

Dan’s heart flutters. Not only is he realizing Phil is the kind of boy he’d melt over if he was a teenager right now, but also that a costume party sounds so fun to him, and it being Shrek themed means it's going to be hilarious to see everyone's interpretations of the characters with their costumes. He’s never been to a party like that, at least not since he was doing theatre in school. 

“Oh, okay, that's cool,” Dan smiles at Phil. 

“So you'll come, right?” 

“Yeah…is this really why you came over? To ask me to come to a Shrek party?”

“Yes,” Phil furrows his eyebrows, like he's wondering why Dan keeps questioning him. 

“You could have texted me you know,” Dan replies with a shrug.

“I did! You ignored me!” Phil points his finger at Dan. 

Dan feels his cheek getting warm, “Sorry, I’ve been slammed at work.”

It’s always the excuse he uses instead of saying ‘Sorry, I was too depressed to have a conversation with someone’. It sounds better, and then he doesn't have to explain why he lets his stupid depression take over his life. 

“Work…right,” Phil smiles like he knows it’s something else keeping Dan from responding to him. 

“It was,” Dan argues back, “I’ve been…stressed so I’ve been sleeping a lot.” 

Now that wasn’t a lie, but was work really to blame for Dan not being able to get out of bed? 

Dan figures that Phil will be staying awhile, the snow outside looks like an endless rain of white flakes, coating the roads and sidewalks until they are nonexistent. 

“So, you want coffee, or tea?” Dan turns into his small kitchen just off of the lounge. He is going to avoid continuing this conversation before Phil figures out how mentally unstable he is. 

“Tea would be nice, thanks,” Phil smiles and follows Dan into the kitchen. 

“It’s getting bad out there, maybe you should hang out for a bit,” Dan is nervous when he says this. Phil could be thinking the same thing about Dan being basically a stranger to him and feeling awkward in his home. Even though Phil doesn’t seem to show it, Dan always tends to think the worst. 

He can feel his anxiety getting worse as he puts the kettle on and grabs two mugs from his cabinet. His hands are shaking. He takes a deep breath and watches Phil look out the window at the storm. As much as he’d like to kick Phil out, he won’t. The snow is so bad, and it would be rude. 

“Oh wow,” Phil’s gray-blue eyes are glued to the view of white raging outside the window. Phil hasn't really answered him though, but he assumes now that Phil has really seen the weather get worse he’ll stay. 

“I still can’t believe you walked in that,” Dan watches Phil. He looks pretty with his cheeks turning from red to pink, and his eyes are wide watching the snow. Dan doesn’t know why he likes that, why he thinks Phil is pretty. He blames it on the jealousy that he felt when Phil was first brought up amongst his friends. 

“Do you have Mario Kart?” Phil finally takes his eye off the window and lays them on Dan. 

Dan looks back at Phil, his arms crossed over his chest. 

“Duh.” 

The kettle beeps and Dan goes back to putting tea bags into the mugs and then pouring hot water over them. Phil likes his tea with a little bit of sugar and that's it. So after the tea is made Dan takes Phil to the couch in the lounge and turns on his television to play Mario Kart. 

Phil is babbling to him about some secret Mario cheats, but Dan is barely paying attention to what Phil is saying. His head is swimming with stress. To say he's over thinking is an understatement. Dan is spiraling. 

He masks it pretty well, handing Phil a switch controller as they start choosing their characters and what map to play. Dan nods and smiles, making small comments in between Phil's rambles. He tries to distract himself with whatever Phil is talking about, but it’s hard when all his head wants to do is stress. He can’t stop thinking about what Phil thinks of him. Is he judging how small his apartment is? Does he think Dan is unreliable since he didn’t respond to his message? Did PJ say something to Phil about Dan? Is that why PJ gave him Dan’s address to show up because he didn’t think he’d ever answer him? 

“Dan,” Phil saying his name makes the thoughts stop for a second. 

“Yeah?” he chokes out, he doesn’t know why he’s on the fucking verge of tears but it’s all welling up inside of him. He pushes it down, using every single force inside of him to not freak out in front of the man he barely knows. He has to put up his walls and not be so emotional about everything. 

“You have to hit the button if you're ready,” Phil points at the screen. Phil’s side of the television is ready to go while Dan’s still lingering on his choice of vehicle. 

“Oh. Sorry.”

Dan selects one not caring about the stats and they start the race. 

The reason Dan likes video games is because he feels like he’s in another world when he plays them, even if it’s something as simple as this. His anxiety goes into its box and his depression is replaced with spurts of serotonin. And Phil is pretty fun to play with. 

Dan wins the first few games, Phil wins the later ones because Dan kind of lets him. The other one typically always comes in second place if not first. The snow has stopped, but they both don’t notice. Dan picks another map to play and they continue. Until a few hours go by and Dan looks at the window and realizes its pitch black outside. 

“Shit, what time is it?” Dan doesn't even have his phone on him, he left it in his bedroom when Phil’s knocking woke him up. But Phil looks at his phone and frowns. 

“Uh, like almost eleven.”

“I didn’t realize it was so late, you can’t walk home in the dark,” Dan panics.

Phil has to stay the night, and he wasn’t prepared for that. Yes, they've been having a good time playing games and getting to know each other a bit more, but sleepover territory is exclusively for best friends. It’s a rule Dan made up when a sleepover with boys from school went sour when he was twelve. 

“I can, don’t worry,” Phil is standing up, like he’s really about to leave, but Dan can’t let him. 

The roads are covered in snow and it being dark means more cause for accidents. Also what if Phil got trapped under a pile of snow or something and froze to death? 

“No,” Dan stands up too, like he’s going to do everything in his power to get Phil to stay, “It’s too dangerous with all the snow and ice. Just sleep in my bed, I'll take the couch.”

Phil frowns, “You really don’t think it'll be okay to walk home? I can get Chris to come over and walk back with me.” 

“I’ll have a fucking panic attack if you do that,” Dan says a little to honest. His fingers drag through his hair stressfully. 

“Okay, Dan. You win,” Phil sighs, “but I’ll sleep on the couch.”

Dan shakes his head, “No, you get the bed. You’re the guest.” 

“Fine,” Phil held up his hands, surrendering to Dan, “Are you tired?” 

“Not really? Are you?” Dan asks him.

Phil shakes his head no. 

“Can we watch a film?” 

“Sure. Shrek?” Dan asks him jokingly. They’ve both sat back down on the couch and Dan has changed the TV to Netflix and begins flipping through the movies sections.  

“Yes, we need costume inspiration!” Phil exclaims excitedly. 

“Really?” Dan laughs at Phil's enthusiasm. 

He nods at Dan with a toothy smile. Dan feels his heart flutter again. Phil's face makes him want to melt into a puddle. 

Dan put Shrek on the TV. The bright lights of the television flash on Phil’s face, Dan watches him from his peripheral vision. It feels so confusing that a week ago he was dreading meeting Phil, yet now they are practically friends playing video games and watching movies. Surprisingly, it feels good. 

Somehow they get through the first movie and Phil insists they watch the second one as well. But Dan watches Phil’s eyelids drooping, he leans his cheek on his fist pulls his knees on the couch. Dan is laying on the couch too, his back on the armrest and his knees pulled to his chest. They both are falling asleep, still trying to watch the movie playing on the television. 

Dan’s eyes close at some point, the overwhelming feeling of exhaustion takes over his urge to stay awake. And Phil does the same. 

ᯓ★

Chapter Text

Dan is only slightly annoyed with himself that he didn’t answer Phil sooner since he only has eight hours to find a costume for Phil’s party. Phil left shortly after they woke up that morning. It wasn’t as awkward as Dan thought it would be. They woke up around the same time, sleeping on opposite sides of the couch. Dan made coffee as Phil thanked him for a place to sleep. The roads were cleared by that time making it safe for Phil to walk home. So Phil left. And a small part of him didn’t want Phil to go. 

Now Dan was in panic mode. He decided quickly to just be Shrek, thinking that would be the easiest costume to do. He found a shop with a Shrek outfit paired with a Shrek ears headband. Simple yet effective. 

It’s only thirty minutes before Dan needs to leave when his phone is ringing off the hook. He was just getting out of the shower when he heard his ringtone blaring in his bedroom. He runs to it. Not really sure why since he mostly avoids phone calls, but the feeling of it being urgent sinks in his gut. And of course he’s right. 

He grabs it, not even bothering to check to see who’s calling. 

“Hello?” 

Silence. Dan pulls the phone from his ear to finally look at who’s calling. 

Fuck. 

“Mom?” 

He has been meaning to call her. He hated how they left their last conversation and guilt was eating him alive. 

There is still silence on the other side of the phone. 

“Mom,” Dan sighs. With a towel still wrapped around his waist he sits down on the edge of his bed. 

“I’m sorry,” the words sound so repetitive coming from his lips. He’s said them a million times because he can’t keep his damn mouth shut. 

“I know you are,” her voice is quiet in response. But relief flows through Dan because she’s at least speaking. 

“I just…” Is he going to really try and explain himself to her? He knows she won’t really care, “You shouldn’t have to put up with that for so long.” 

She doesn’t say anything. Dan bites his lip. 

“Do you know where he is?” he asks, trying to just hear her voice again. She called him for a reason and Dan needs to figure out why. 

“No.” It comes out like a sob. 

Dan doesn’t get it. Why does she care so deeply for a man who hurt her so much, who hurt her children? It’s an issue he’s been trying to figure out for years. It is why he has so much trouble talking to her, looking at her. Why doesn’t his mother love him? Why didn’t she save them from the torture they were put through? 

“I’m sure he’s doing fine,” Dan says instead of saying he knows the asshole is probably passed out at one of his girlfriends houses, doped out of his mind. 

“Let me know if he calls you,” his mother speaks softly. They both know he’s not fine. 

Dan nods, “I will, I’m really sorry mom,” he’s biting his lip hard. He can taste blood. 

“I know.” 

It’s not the response he wants. Every time she says ‘I know’ it comes out so passive aggressive. Dan can’t help but feel like the biggest dick in the world for trying to get his mom to see the truth in his father. He’s tried for years and it’s never worked, Dan feels stupid for thinking it would do anything now. 

“Love you mom,” Dan sighs. He doesn’t remember the last time he said that to her. Maybe it will get her to really forgive him for what she would call ‘disrespecting his dad’. 

It doesn’t. It takes a second for her to say anything, and when she does it makes a bowling ball fall into Dan’s gut. 

“Goodbye Daniel,” is all she said and hung up the phone. 

Panic sets in rather quickly. Dan is losing oxygen, his lungs can’t take in air. He throws his phone on his bed and stands up. 

“Fuck!” he yells into the empty room. He wants to scream, he wants to trash his room, throw himself out the fucking window. His fingers run through his wet hair, tugging on his scalp. 

Dan doesn’t even bother with looking at his list to try and calm down. He just lets it happen. He lets his legs relax, letting himself fall onto the floor of his bedroom to his knees. He lets it all out. 

She can’t even say she loves him back. She doesn’t care that this man tortured her children, and how that affects them. She still expects them to care for their father and care for her as she supports the abuse he put them all through. Dan can’t understand it. He can’t control the painful sobs that build up in his throat, he lets himself cry softly while leaning his head on the side of his mattress. He is clutching the towel around his waist. His chest hurts as more sobs push their way through. 

He fucking hates this. Dan doesn’t know why is crying about this. It’s been this way since he moved out years ago but it still fucking hurts. It hurts that his mom doesn’t love him back the way he wants her to. Dan lets the tears fall until he gets his breathing back, until his iris’s sting and his throat feels raw. 

As he comes back to life, he starts to remember that he has a fucking party to go to. He grabs his phone with trembling hands to check the time. He has about twenty minutes to get ready. 

I should cancel, he thinks, I should just tell Phil I'm sick or something. 

He tries to think of how he can message Phil and tell him he’s not coming, but he is slightly paranoid that Phil will just show up at his flat again. Dan doesn’t know what to do. The ache of anxiety is making it so he can’t think about anything else but his mother, her voice is ringing in his ear reminding him of all the things she said. He regrets the whole conversation. Dan thinks he should let himself fall deeper into the pit of anxiety and depression that is swarming his head right now, it would be easier than trying to get it together to go to Phil's party. 

Instead he texts Charlotte and asks if she’s going to the Shrek party at Phil’s. Dan knows if Charlotte is there he’ll feel a lot better, she’ll distract him and be the familiarity he needs to calm down. She says yes, but she’ll be a bit late. Either way Dan is happy he’ll be there. So he pulls himself together. 

Dan pops three ibuprofen, splashes cold water on his face, and finally changes into joggers and a t- shirt to wear under his Shrek costume. He put on the suit over top and then grabbed the headband and put it in his pocket. He’s not in a party mood at all, but doesn’t really feel like he has a choice.

Phil is a new friend, something Dan hasn’t had in years. It feels exciting and scary and fun all at the same time. He doesn’t want to lose it, not yet anyway. Dan knows things will change once his true color comes out to Phil, but right now he doesn’t want to think about that. 

Dan puts on his coat and heads out to Phil’s. 

-

Chris is the one who opens the door, dressed in a donkey costume. Dan chuckles. 

“You look great, Chris,” Dan smiles, he’s hoping Charlotte is inside. 

“Thanks! What are you?” he asks Dan. Dan pulls out the headband from his pocket and flashes it to Chris. 

“The one and only,” Dan grins. 

“That’s awesome! You have to get a picture with me and Phil!"

Dan nods and Chris lets him in the door. 

The flat is crowded, it’s a vast difference from the past party Dan attended here before. At least twenty people occupy the space of Chris and Phil’s lounge and kitchen, all dressed in costumes that resemble characters from Shrek. The movie is playing on the TV, but music (Dan assumes is from the movie's soundtrack) plays through speakers through the apartment. 

He’s already stressed. 

Dan takes off his coat to reveal his outfit and places the Shrek ears headband on his head. He knows it’s a costume party and everyone around him is dressed up, but he feels like the only one. Embarrassment has set it and it takes a lot in him to not just leave. Phil hasn’t seen him yet and beside Charlotte and his other friends, Phil is the only person he’s really here for. 

He looks around the room trying to seek out a familiar face. No one looks recognizable. The costumes make it harder too. The panic attack he had earlier is keeping him on edge, making this harder to handle. He thinks he should go to the kitchen and find the alcohol and drown himself in it. Or he could be safer and use cold water on his face like he normally does. Dan goes with the latter. He has to calm down a bit before he runs into Phil and makes a fool of himself. 

Dan tries to find the bathroom, but when he does the door is locked. So he panics, he runs down the hallway he’s never really been down. He's only been here once and he really just stayed in the lounge, used the bathroom a few times. The hallway he is in has two other doors and one of them is open. Dan peaks in. It's either Chris or Phil’s bedroom. Dan doesn’t care whose he just needs a place to breathe in. He can't use cold water right now so he focuses on his breathing as he sits down on the blue and green bedspread. he’s trying not to feel so fucking guilty about being here after the phone call with his mother. He's partying while she panics about whether his dad is okay. And Dan knows damn well he isn’t. 

He is so upset at how he acted before, making things worse, now she doesn’t even say she loves him. Before she would, even if they got into an argument, but Dan took it too far this time. He tries to think about what Ruby would say to him right now, how to prevent the second panic attack that is coming onto him, but his head goes blank. His chest feels tight and he’s uncomfortable in his own skin. He wants to rip it off. Dan buries his face in his hand. He pinches his eyes shut to block the tears that want to form. 

I shouldn’t be here, he thinks. He should be figuring out how to get back on his mother’s good side, not getting drunk with his friends. It’s only been a minute when Dan can feel his stomach aching, like butterflies gnawing on his organs, his ears are ringing. He doesn’t want to be here anymore. And he is about to get up to leave. But something stops all of the panic from happening. Dan pulls his face from his hands and stares at the person standing in front of him. He didn’t think anyone was there so it really startled him. His body jumps in place, his heart starts racing in his chest. 

“Dan?” Phil’s voice is so clear but it takes Dan a moment to recognize who the hell is standing in front of him. 

Phil wears a velvet green dress, a red wig pulled into a messy braid and a tiara sits on his head of faux hair. 

“Oh my god!” Dan can’t help but crack a smile and laugh at Phil. He’s obviously Princess Fiona from the film. 

Dan’s anxiety leaves, his body relaxes unexpectedly. Seeing Phil like this just makes Dan want to laugh. Like all the guilt and fear has been kicked out because of Phil’s presence. 

“I like your costume,” Phil steps closer to Dan who is still sitting on the bed. 

“Thanks,” Dan grins, “I like yours too.”

He gets now why Chris made the comment about them getting a picture together. Also Phil looks amazing and hilarious in his costume, Dan would want to get a photo with him anyways just to remember Phil like this. 

“Thanks!” Phil beams, “I was going to go as Shrek, but I remembered my mom was going to name me Fiona if I was a girl so I thought it would be more fitting.”

Is Phil going to ask him what the hell he’s doing here? Is he going to find out that Dan can barely be around big groups of people like this without losing his mind. Especially after what happened earlier with his mother. 

Dan decided the best course of action is to just distract Phil and hopefully he won’t ask. 

“I love that,” Dan smiles trying to continue the conversation, “So, this is your idea of a movie night?”

Phil matches Dan’s smile with one of his own, “Hey, there is a film playing.”

“Yeah, with like twenty people partying,” Dan says back. 

Phil does a halfhearted eye roll, “They are having fun, I can’t tell them not to.”

“But you're Princess Fiona.”

Again Phil just looks at Dan with such a cute smirk, “I guess I am, I think I was born to be a princess.”

Dan laughs, “The costume suits you well.”

His eyes look Phil up and down. He doesn’t realize that sounds flirty until he actually says it. 

“She’s like my alter ego,” Phil grins back at him and Dan hopes Phil didn’t take what he said the wrong way, it doesn’t seem like he even noticed it.  

Dan can’t stop smiling when Phil talks to him. It is strange the feeling of once hating Phil Lester now seems like such a distant memory. Now he feels like they are at least friends. He regrets not just listening to PJ, not just listening to Sophie and Charlotte tell him how nice and great Phil was. He was too wrapped up in his own insecurities to put himself out there. 

“I was actually going to change, this dress is so itchy,” Phil glanced around the room. And it clicks. 

Dan jumps up from the bed, “Oh sorry. Go ahead, I can leave.”

He’s in Phil’s room, of course. Dan feels sweat bead on his forehead as he nervously moves past Phil out of the room. 

He doesn’t let Phil say anything else before he is moving back down the hallway to the crowded lounge of Phil and Chris’s flat. Dan’s nerves are on fire until he sees Charlotte standing by the couch, dressed as the dragon. She looks amazing. Dan feels a lot better now she’s here, even though just talking Phil had done the trick to cure some of his anxiety. He’s not just anxious around Phil, he’s more…guarded. He wants to make sure Phil can’t see all the terror in his eyes when they speak, he doesn't want Phil to know he’s afraid of literally everything and his emotions are off the chain. To Phil, he just wants to be normal.

He makes his way to Charlotte. She hugs him when she sees him and they go get drinks from the kitchen. They find Sophie and PJ playing cup pong with Chris. Soon Phil joins and Dan doesn’t remember the conversation with his mother anymore. He lets the alcohol in his cup change his mindset as he plays games and laughs with his friends. 

He’s getting to know Phil more, like how this is the clumsiest man he’s ever meant, and how Phil can really just keep a conversation going no matter what. He has the weirdest facts ready at any moment, and it’s always something to make someone laugh or smile. Dan admires the man’s confidence and how attractive Phil looks without even trying. Dan tries to not stare at Phil the whole night, tries not to make it obvious that he thinks Phil is just so pretty. He knows he can be friends with the guy and not date him. He doesn’t think he wants to date Phil, but he can’t help but swoon over him. 

Especially now, he’s pretty fucking drunk. 

Dan didn’t think about how trashed he would get after playing rounds and rounds of cup pong. The drinks just kept coming. He doesn’t even remember when his friends left, because it ends up just being him, Phil, and Chris playing. The kitchen was empty except the three men sloppily throwing a white ball at plastic cups. Dan realizes it’s just them and he stops himself from taking his turn. Phil stands next to him, being his teammate and waiting for Dan to make his throw. But when he doesn’t, Phil frowns. 

“Are you gonna go or what?” Phil slurs his words. He’s just as drunk as Dan. 

Dan turns his head. Phil’s blue eyes are glossy, or maybe Dan’s vision just sucks from the amount of vodka he’s been consuming. Either way he likes Phil’s eyes, they are a gray blue, more blue right now in the dimmed lighting of the kitchen. Phil’s lost the green dress and red wig. The only thing left of his costume is the golden tiara placed on his brown head of hair. Dan likes it. It makes Phil look even prettier than he already is. 

“Did everyone leave?” Dan asks. 

“I think so,” Chris answers Dan from across the table, being their opponent in the game. 

Dan can’t believe he’s the last one here, and he’s fucking trashed. How is he going to get home?

“Throw the ball!” Phil yells impatiently, but Dan doesn’t want to play cup pong anymore. He needs to leave, but he doesn’t think he'll be able to. 

“Fuck it, I’ll go,” Phil takes the ball from Dan’s hand. Their fingers touch in the process and it leaves a tingly feeling on Dan’s skin. 

Phil gets bold when he’s drunk, Dan notices that too. He’s already pretty bold, but it gets crazier when Phil is possessed by the silliness of alcohol. Like he had zero fucks before, now he has negative a hundred. 

Dan glances at the window behind him. The outside is pitch black. The clock on the microwave reads almost two in the morning. 

Fuck. Dan’s stomach hurts, maybe it's his anxiety, or maybe it’s the copious amounts of liquor sitting in his stomach like a rock. Either way, he feels sick. 

“I need to go home,” Dan states, his lips frowning as he watches Phil throw the small white plastic ball. It hits the rim of Chris's cup and then bounces onto the table and rolls onto the floor. 

“No!” Phil yells in defeat, completely uninterested in what Dan is saying. 

“Dan, you can’t walk home in the dark,” Chris says to him, “It’s two in the morning and freezing outside.”

“Yeah, I can,” Dan rolls his eyes. He knows it’s going to be a challenge, heck he knows he probably shouldn’t do this at all, but he has to leave. He didn’t mean to get so wasted, he doesn’t want to be an idiot in front of Phil or Chris. More importantly he doesn’t want to be more of a nuisance than he already feels is. 

He makes a decision. Dan is walking away from the table, aiming for the exit of the kitchen but Phil grabs his arm bringing Dan to an abrupt stop. 

“No, Dan,” Phil is drunk, but there is certainty in his voice right now, “You’ve been drinking…a lot, you can’t walk home.”

Phil’s look is filled with apprehension. And Dan gets the feeling he’s going to have to fight to leave. 

“I’m not–” it’s like the second the words escape from his lips it all hits him way harder than before. His stomach turns again, his vision doubles. He is too fucking drunk. Fucking obliterated. 

“You can't walk home, just stay the night here,” Chris agrees with Phil. He approaches them like he’s going to stop Dan too from walking out the door. 

He realizes his feeling he had about fighting to get out of this flat was right. And Dan doesn’t want to fight. Dan has to accept his fate. 

“Fine, I'll sleep on the couch.”

Phil just grins at him, letting go of his arm now knowing Dan will stay. Dan just sighs realizing what he got himself into. 

“Nope, you can have my bed. Come on,” Phil says. It's like deja vu, but the opposite. Dan doesn’t like being on the other side of it. He doesn’t like feeling helpless, that he can’t get himself home to the safety of his apartment. Granted he hates the place, and honestly thinks how it might be nice to be away from it for a night. 

As Phil is leading Dan to his bedroom, Dan’s stomach is flipping with nerves, and mixed with the alcohol is not a good combination. The fear is taking over, realization is sinking in. 

“Are you sure? I don’t mind the couch, Phil, seriously–”

“Hey,” Phil stopped in the middle of the hallway, “You were going to give me your bed, I am going to give you mine, okay? Don’t worry about it.”

It takes just one genuine smile from Phil for Dan’s icy heart to melt slightly. He’ll let Phil win this time, just like how Phil let him. Except he can’t enjoy it. The only thing he can feel is the bile rising in his throat.  

“Fine, but Phil–”

“No buts! Come on!” Phil pulls Dan's arm but Dan doesn’t move. His feet feel like rocks stuck in the ground, just like the rocks in his stomach. 

"Phil, I’m going to be sick,” Dan blurts out. He can't do this anymore. He’s been trying to push it down, but there's no point. 

“Oh shit,” Phil pulls Dan faster this time towards the bathroom where Dan quickly falls to his knees and vomits into the toilet. 

He hates it. Shame mixed with pain takes over his body as puke spews from his mouth in the toilet bowl. He hates that Phil is watching, that he’s not at home by himself. He cannot help but want to know what Phil thinks of him at this moment. But right now Phil is sliding down the wall of the bathroom, sitting down on the black white checked tile of the bathroom. Dan vomits again, a layer of cold sweat coats his face and his throat feels raw. He tells himself he’s never drinking again in his head, something he’s said probably a million times before in this same position. Phil hands him a washcloth at some point and Dan wipes his mouth while muttering a quiet thank you to the boy sitting with him on the floor. 

He flushes the toilet and leans his back against the wall. Dan’s hazy eyes look over at Phil. Phil’s head is resting on the wall, his eyes are closed, a soft smile on his lips.

Dan gets a weird feeling in his gut. He thinks he’s about to be sick again, but he doesn’t. It’s just his nerves deciding to have a party in his stomach. 

“Are you alright?” Phil asks him.

“Yeah, sorry about that,” he mumbles as they both stand up slowly from the floor. Phil waits for Dan to follow him, taking back down the hallway of the apartment to Phil's bedroom. 

“I really can sleep on the couch, Phil," Dan tries to protest again as they make their way into his room. Dan’s vision is blurry, but he can make out all the colors and objects he had seen in here before. One word Dan can think of to describe it is colorful. 

“No, just get in the bed, Dan," Phil says to him bluntly as he throws the tiara off his head. 

So Dan just gives up. 

He turns around to not face Phil as he takes off his Shrek costume revealing the joggers and t-shirt he had on underneath. He doesn’t know why he doesn’t want to change right in front of Phil, it’s not like he is actually taking off his clothes, but he keeps himself facing the other way anyways. He smooths out his pants and finally turns around. Phil isn’t standing behind Dan anymore. Dan looks down at Phil’s bed. 

His stomach does another flip because Phil is laying in it. The boy is practically asleep already laying on the left side of the mattress, his legs sticking out from the green and blue blankets he lazily tossed over himself. Dan gulps. Was Phil supposed to be sleeping in the bed with him? 

Dan tries to think it doesn’t matter, he’s slept in the same bed as PJ before, so why does it matter if he's sleeping next to Phil. 

Probably because he makes you nervous as hell, Dan thinks. Or that he finds Phil so fucking attractive. But thinking about Phil romantically like that is off limits. He can’t afford a relationship right now, not at the cost of his mental health which seems to just be depleting every day. 

Dan takes a deep breath. He can’t stand here the whole night so Dan gets in the bed. He sits down slowly and gently, being careful not to disturb the sleeping man next to him. Phil’s bed is big but not quite perfect for two people especially as tall as them. So Dan’s ass is about half off the bed when he lays down on his back, so he turns on his side. He is facing Phil now. Watching the brunette man’s chest rise and fall, his eyes twitching underneath his eyelids. Phil’s messy hair is slightly pushed off his forehead. Dan can’t help but stare. He can’t help but picture what it would feel like to lay his head on Phil's chest, hear his heartbeat in his ears. 

Maybe it would cure me, his head spins with drunk thoughts, maybe if someone loved me, I’d get better.

It isn’t true. Throwing up half of his stomach contents helps him think a little more clearly to know that that's not how things work. But he wishes they did. 

Dan can’t help himself but to think of Phil as he starts to fall asleep. 

ᯓ★

Chapter Text

It’s painful to wake up. Dan’s body doesn’t want to fully commit. But the sunlight bleeding through the sheer curtains shines through the thin skin on his eyelids and activates his brain. He doesn’t move his body, he doesn’t open his eyes. Dan just lays there trying to remember how to breathe properly. He has got to stop getting drunk every weekend. It’s taking a toll on him. 

Dan stretches his legs, rubbing them against the soft cotton sheets. His legs hurt. His stomach hurts and he's unbelievably thirsty. He’s ready to get up, but a realization hits him like a brick. 

He is not home. He is not in his bed. 

It’s like a wave of shame has taken over his body. All the memories of Phil’s Shrek party flood in, and Dan is so embarrassed. He not only has to leave right now, but he fears he’s never going to see Phil Lester ever again after this. 

Dan jolts up. His eyes flutter open, but squint due to the bright light. 

How does Phil survive without black out curtains? Dan wonders.

When Dan looks over to the sleeping man next to him he is so shocked to see how close Phil is to him. Phil is curled up on his side, his head is moved onto the pillow Dan had been laying on. His brown hair is a mess, his lips slightly parted. If Dan had opened his eyes while laying down, he would have screamed from Phil's face being so close to his. 

He has to get out of here. Dan slides off the bed as quietly as he can. He grabs his Shrek costume on the floor of the room. Dan tiptoes past Phil still sleeping in the bed and leaves the room. He quietly leaves the flat and makes his way home. 

The walk back home is dreadful. It fucking freezing and he’s basically hiking in snow. His stomach aches and his throat feel raw and dry. He wants to chug a gallon of water and take a long shower. Which is exactly what he plans on doing when he finally steps foot into his own shitty flat. He feel bad he felt without at least saying goodbye to Phil so decides to send him a text:

[danielhowell] Sorry, had to slip out early and didn’t want to wake you. 

[danielhowell] Thanks for a great party (:

Dan makes his way to his bedroom to take a shower but doesn’t make it very far. He ends up collapsing on his bed and falling back asleep. 

-

It surprises Dan how turned on he gets just from getting into the shower. Granted it’s been a couple days since he’s even moved. 

It’s Tuesday. Dan doesn’t remember much of Sunday after he came home from Phil’s hungover as hell. He slept most of the day, only getting up to use the toilet and to chug water. At some point he ate, and went back to bed. He called out of work on Monday, lying that he had a stomach bug. He did the same today. But today is the first day Dan feels like he can get out of bed without his head feeling like it’s going to split open. It’s the first day he can sit with his thoughts without having to force sleep to turn them off. He finally has energy to change his clothes, make himself a proper meal, and shower. 

So maybe it isn’t really a big surprise when the hot water pricks his skin, his body comes to life. It finally feels alive again and it’s craving something intimate. Dan looks down at the erection bobbing against his stomach. He should take care of it, get it over with. He doesn’t feel practically excited about jerking off in the shower, it feels like routine.  

Dan lets his hand trail down to touch himself, his finger gliding over his throbbing cock gently. Chills shoot down his spine. 

Damn, he thinks, I guess it’s been awhile. And Dan can’t even remember the last time he had a wank. The stress recently had blocked his head from having any type of sexual feeling. Dan spits into his hand, rubbing his own saliva all over his cock. It’s gross, but it feels good, his fingers are slimy and wet as they slowly start to stroke his sensitive skin. He closes his eyes as he moves his hand faster, pumping up and down. His thumb rubs over his tip and his hips jerk in response. It feels really good, more than good. 

The hot water pours on Dan’s head, bleeding down Dan’s face, it warms him as he continues thrusting into his hand. The feeling of it makes his head swim with endorphins. He can’t help but imagining he’s fucking someone’s mouth instead, a warm, wet mouth. Specifically, a man’s mouth. A mouth that perhaps had a pair of icy blue eyes and soft brown hair with it. 

Dan can’t control the images in his head, he’s moving his hand faster as the man’s face keeps flashing behind his eyelids. He doesn't stop it though, the feeling is too good to actually think about what he’s doing to stop himself. He so fucking close. The feeling overwhelms him, and a soft moan escapes from Dan’s lips. It surprises him truly, he's not much of a moaner, not when he’s doing this to himself. Dan is moving his hand faster, the image of the man still in his head, sucking and pulling on Dan’s cock with swollen wet lips. It’s so hot in his head, it’s almost feeling real. Like he can actually see the man’s stretched lips around his cock, drool pooling out of the side of his mouth. 

That's all it takes for Dan to fall over the edge. Quickly his orgasm over takes him, his body leans against the cold shower walls as Dan’s hip buckles and he finishes all over the shower floor. A loud whine had escaped his lips, and now that it’s over he feels embarrassed. It takes him a moment to catch his breath, he opens his eyes and watches the water wash away his shame. But it doesn’t all get washed away, the main part of it is still stuck in his head. The part where he jerked off to imagining someone sucking his dick, someone he knows. 

Dan feels sick to his stomach. Regret is probably the right word for how he’s feeling, that mixed with a heavy amount of embarrassment. Dan has to snap out of it, but he doesn’t. He just stands in the water, blinky rapidly as water is still running down his face. His blank stare is haunting. 

He can’t believe he did that, he can’t believe he thought of Phil like that. 

At some point the water starts to turn cold, and Dan has to get out or he’ll start shivering. He quickly washes his body and his hair and pulls himself out of the dark trance he’s been stuck in. He gets out of the shower. Makes his way to his bedroom to get dressed. He throws on his favorite black jeans and a black sweater. 

Dan tries to get it out of his head, but he can’t. So he tries to make light of it. 

Maybe I should go to church, repent my sins, Dan thinks to himself with a small smile on his lips. He doesn’t remember the last time he was in a church, but he wonders how funny it would be to sit in a confessional and tell the priest he imagined a man sucking his cock. It makes him think of his teenage years, how scared he was to be gay, how badly he tried to not be. He is glad he can accept it now. 

Dan looks at his phone for a second before doing a double take. He has like five messages which is unheard of unless something happened with his father. 

But it's just PJ, begging him to get coffee with him whenever he’s free. Of course he makes it dramatic by sending four individual messages when they all could have been one paragraph. 

Dan messages back that he can go now so PJ sends him an address to the coffee shop they normally go to, one they haven't been to in a while. Dan doesn’t really want to go get coffee, but leaving the house seems like the better option then sulking in his shame.

Dan leaves this flat.The February air is deathly cold, but Dan enjoys it. Cold has always been a healthy shock to his system, makes his brain reset and takes away a lot of the anxiety he lets build up. He shoves his hands in the jacket as he walks down the roads. He doesn’t know why PJ wants to get coffee, he’s a little bit nervous about the reasoning. 

He enters the warm building and immediately spots his friend sitting at a table. PJ’s curly hair is covered by a gray cap. He smiles at Dan when they make eye contact. Dan walks over and takes his seat across from him. 

“Hey, got you your usual,” PJ points to the coffee cup on the table in front of Dan. 

“Thanks,” Dan smiles as he takes a cup into his hands. The warmth feels good on his cold fingers. 

“I thought you’d be working today,” PJ raises his cup to take a sip of his coffee. His eyes are wide as he stares at Dan. 

“Yeah, well…” Dan debates on lying. He feels like he lies enough to his friends that he might as well tell the truth for once, “I called out.”

“Why?”

“Well I called out yesterday because Phil’s party gave me a hangover from hell.”

PJ smiles, “Yeah that night was a fucking blur. I don't even know how I got home.”

“Same,” Dan smiles back, even though he knows he is holding back major information from PJ. Not like PJ would think anything of the fact that Dan ended up staying the night at Phil’s but Dan just feels it’s not relevant. 

“So you called out today too?”

“Yeah, just to catch up on sleep and get my shit together,” Dan nods, "How are you, how's work?”

“Good, I don’t go in until Thursday, but Charlotte has been working her ass off on the animations we hired her to do,” PJ explains, “It’s cut my job in half giving me more time to work editing with Phil and Sophie.”

Dan nods with a small grin, "That's good.”

“Yeah, but I want to get coffee with you because I wanted to ask you about Phil.”

Dan’s stomach flips. His grin fades. All the memories of his shower earlier resurface even though he’s been pushing it down since he left the house. 

“What about Phil?” Dan is reluctant to ask, but he does anyway. Might as well get this over with.

Dan feels his chest getting tight but ignores it. Freaking out right now is not allowed, not in front of PJ who won’t even know why Dan feels so on edge about Phil. 

“You like him, right? What do you think of him?” PJ asks. 

The question makes Dan’s eyebrows furrow. 

What does he think of him? 

“He’s…uh…” Dan looks around, his eyes darting away from PJ's because he doesn’t know how to answer the question honestly. He doesn’t know how to look his friend in the eyes and tell him how he really thinks of Phil Lester. 

Dan thinks he’s weird, but he’s so fucking funny and smart. He’s such a social person yet so introverted at the same time. He’s unstable physically, but he’s also amazingly good at things without even really trying. He’s so attractive it makes Dan’s stomach hurt. He’s…

“He’s nice, yeah,” Dan nods. Nice is a safe option. He makes eye contact with PJ again and Dan’s doesn’t understand the look on his face.

“Good,” he’s smirking. Like he knows something Dan doesn’t know. 

“Good?” Dan’s throat feels dry. 

“I think we should set him up.”

“What?” Dan can’t help but question PJ, he has to know if he’s understanding this correctly “Set him up? Like on a date with someone?”

When PJ nods confirming what Dan has asked to be true, bile rises in his throat.

“Yeah, like with one of Sophie’s friends,” PJ shrugs as he takes a sip of his coffee. 

Dan’s heart stops beating. He can barely look at PJ right now so he turns his attention to the window next to him watching pedestrians outside braving the cold weather and the cars and buses passing by. He focuses on them rather than PJ, because what PJ is saying doesn’t make sense. 

“What do you think?” PJ asks when Dan makes no such an effort to respond. Dan’s heart still has stopped, at least it feels like it has. It feels like he can’t breathe. 

“Why?” The word just comes out, so flat, so monotoned.

“Why not?” PJ shrugs. He says it so casually, “I wanted to get your opinion on him before I let Sophie pick someone to set Phil up with, yanno?”

PJ is talking but Dan can barely listen to him. He’s imagining Phil with someone, with a fucking girl for crying out loud and it’s effecting him, for some reason it’s making his whole body shake and his chest feel tight. It feels like he’s having a panic attack inside his body yet he can’t show it on the outside. And did PJ only bring him around to get a good read on Phil? PJ always says Dan has good intuition. Was that the only reason Dan met Phil, to know if he’d be good enough to date one of Sophie’s friends? 

Dan doesn’t know, and he doesn’t want to ask. Dan knows his reaction to this news is just proving that the shower thing wasn’t just a random act of desperation. And he thinks he knows what it is, but is refusing to even think about it. 

“Dan, you alright?” PJ’s words finally slip into Dan’s ears. Sweat beads on his forehead even though he feels freezing.

Fuck fuck fuck! Dan screams in his head. He has to act normal or PJ will notice.

“Yeah, sorry I got distracted,” He swivels his head back in front of him. 

PJ smiles, but Dan can’t breathe. His finger nails dig into the skin on his arm under the table. Sharp pain pierces his skin. Dan doesn’t count this as self harm even though it may as well be. He hasn’t drawn blood and he won’t even leave a mark, but he needs something to keep him stable. He doesn’t understand why he’s acting like this, why one little thing of PJ telling Dan that he wants to get Phil a girlfriend puts him over the edge. But Dan does know, deep down he does. Will he admit it to himself? Hell no. 

PJ continues talking and Dan continues nodding, adding comments here and there to make it seem like he’s actually engaging. But he’s not. His head is somewhere else. His head is trying to wrap around the idea that Phil Lester would have a girlfriend and why that makes Dan feel sick. 

“Anyway, Sophie was thinking of having that movie night we talked about? Maybe we’ll invite Phil and one of her friends,” PJ says and Dan nods although he’s not agreeing in his head. Not at all. But he has no choice at this moment but to just smile and nod as PJ continues talking about getting Phil a girlfriend. 

What am I supposed to say? No, God, please don’t do that because I think I’m crushing on Phil even though I would never allow myself to let myself love someone or let someone love me? The thoughts race through Dan’s mind.  

Dan has to stop this. He can’t like Phil like that. 

This is stupid, Dan thinks. With shaking fingers he reaches for his coffee and takes a sip, letting the not too sweet liquid coat his tongue. It’s hot, slightly burning his mouth and throat as he swallows. 

“We can do it Friday night, are you in?” PJ asks him. 

“Sure, what films are we watching?” He doesn’t have a choice but to say yes. PJ will know something is up if he doesn’t go, Dan has never missed a movie night with PJ and Sophie. It is like a tradition for them. 

“Sophie and Charlotte have picked something, I wasn’t allowed to be in on the vote,” PJ rolls his eyes which makes Dan smile. 

“Seriously? They picked the film without you?” Dan laughs while PJ nods looking beaten.

“Apparently it was Girl's Choice,” PJ explains. Dan nods, biting his lip to keep from laughing. Dan knows how much PJ loves films and how he is normally the one picking which ones the watch during their movie nights. 

"Well, I’m excited to see what they pick.”

“Yeah, and I’m terrified,” PJ says but with a small grin so Dan knows he’s not that serious. Sophie and Charlotte have good taste, but he knows PJ would have preferred to have some say in the picking. 

The rest of their conversation starts to dwindle and it’s getting late so they both decide to head home. As they are saying goodbye PJ gives Dan a hug, which he doesn’t expect from PJ. Yes, they have hugged, but it's really only been when they’ve needed one. When PJ’s granddad passed away, or when Dan had to have PJ take him to hospital a few years back when things got really bad. Not when they’ve randomly had coffee. But Dan hugs him back. It feels nice, better than he thought it would feel. It doesn’t feel forced or full of pity. It feels truly genuine. When they pull away, Dan lets the feeling of PJ’s arms around him linger before he removes the feeling from his heart. 

Dan knows if he keeps his heart cold, nothing will ever hurt it again. If he doesn’t let people in, if he keeps his walls built, he can stay exactly how he is now. 

-

Dan’s phone vibrates in his hand as he is leaving work on Thursday evening. He had just clocked out and he’s ready to get out of this place. The vibrations tingle his skin. Dan wasn’t expecting a phone call, but every time he gets one he is terrified it's his mother calling him. He hasn’t made the effort to call her so he knows another call from her should be coming soon. It’s been almost a week since they last talked.

But it's not Dan’s mother calling, in fact Dan is shocked at the name on his phone. He tells himself to not answer but his body decides for him by hitting the accept button and placing the phone to his ear. 

“Hello?” his voice cracks with nerves. 

“Hey Dan,” Phil's voice sounds so much deeper on the phone, so much sexier–

Nope.

Dan pushes that thought out of his head immediately. He’s done with that, even though he can’t lie, he has not stopped thinking about what he imagined in the shower or how pretty Phil looked in his sleep. He has even dreamed about it, but he’s in full denial. He flips every thought of Phil Lester to something else. Maybe because he’s trying to protect himself to not fall for someone he has no chance with. Or maybe because if he thought he did, he wouldn’t be able to handle it. 

“What’s up?” Dan asks, trying not to smile as he’s walking out of the hospital and down the road to catch the tube. 

He’s excited to talk to Phil, honestly. They haven't spoken since Phil’s party. Phil did respond back to Dan’s text but all he had said was thanks for coming. And Dan was afraid to reach out too soon, honestly he was prepared to never see Phil again after how things ended that night. Charlotte would have said he is overthinking and that just because Dan threw up doesn’t mean Phil would never want to hang out with him again. Dan can recognize his own spiraling, but it’s harder to stop it.

“Are you busy? I got this new game and I need someone to try it out with me.”

“What is it?” Dan asks as his heart skips a beat. Phil wanting to hang out with him is another thing he wasn’t prepared for. 

“This new Mario Party that came out, “ Phil says, “You should come over. Chris left me and I’m bored.”

Dan can’t stop himself from smiling anymore, “Okay, yeah. I’m just leaving work.”

“Great, we can order pizza!” 

“Okay, I'll see you in about an hour.”

“Yep! Bye Dan.”

“Bye Phil.”

The commute to Phil’s flat feels like it's taking hours longer than it should. The minutes are going by so slow so Dan thinks maybe the clock on his phone is broken. Really, he just can’t wait to be there. He is nervous as fuck, but his excitement is trumping all of that. 

When he finally gets to Phil’s flat, Dan knocks on Phil’s door a little too hard. He can’t help it. But the excitement drains from his body when the door opens and reality fills its place. Dan is pissed that Phil looks this good just wearing sweatpants and a Pokémon t-shirt. His brown hair is pushed off his forehead in a messy quiff and his pink lips are in a perfect smirk as he leans against the door frame. 

He looks Dan up and down and chills shoot down Dan's spine. 

“Can I help you?” Phil asks him. His eyes are so blue today, like a swimming pool Dan could drown in. His stomach tightens with anxiety at Phil’s gaze. He can’t believe a man who looks like this is becoming his friend. He has to stop staring at Phil though, he did come here for a reason, not just to make googly eyes at Phil. 

“I was promised pizza and Mario Party, you better let me in,” Dan arches his eyebrows. 

“Fine,” Phil sighs and opens the door so Dan can come in. They both grin at each other. 

“Also it’s fucking freezing,” Dan takes off his boots and his jacket. He’s still in his work clothes but he doesn’t care. He’s wearing black jeans and a black polo, probably the most comfortable uniform he’s ever worn. 

“I know, I can’t wait for summer,” Phil leads Dan to the couch where the TV is already set up with Mario party. Dan hasn’t played this version before so he’s excited when Phil hands him a controller and they start to play. 

The excitement comes back and before Dan knows it, he doesn’t have a drop of anxiousness in his body. Playing games with Phil is just the start though. Soon they start watching TV and that becomes a game in itself as they pick the worst reality show they can find and almost throw up from laughing so hard at all the cringe moments. 

Dan can’t believe how much Phil possesses the same sense of humor as him. How much they can banter without it being awkward or the conversation starts to stale. Dan doesn’t even realize how much Phil has melted his icy heart until the pizza gets here and their conversation turns into something more intimate than Dan would have expected. 

They are sitting at the table in the kitchen, both shoveling warm pizza into their mouths. 

“PJ invited me round to watch some films with you guys tomorrow night,” Phil says to Dan. Dan nods remembering the conversation he had with PJ a few days ago. He really had been trying to forget about the whole thing since it made him feel so uncomfortable. 

“Yeah, it's Girl’s choice apparently,” Dan says. He’s slightly avoiding eye contact with Phil though. 

“Is that why PJ said there was going to be a bunch of girls there he wants me to meet?”

Dan chokes on his pizza. He has to swallow hard before speaking again to Phil. His voice sounded strained as he spoke. 

“What?”

Phil rolls his eyes, actually looking annoyed, “Yeah, I don't understand either. He said he wants me to meet more of Sophie’s friends like he wants me to date one of them or something.”

“Oh,” Dan grabs his drink and chugs at least half of it to clear his throat. Phil watches him and Dan wonders if Phil is noticing that Dan’s behavior is off. He prays Phil can’t tell. 

“Do you know why he’s doing this?”

Dan lies through his teeth, “No idea, I thought it was just us.”

Phil nods, “I think he’s trying to set me up with someone, which is so annoying because I don’t want to be set up with anyone.”

Both relief and fear overtake Dan’s mind. Relief that Phil doesn’t want PJ to set him up with someone, but fear as to why Phil is so against it. Does that mean Phil doesn’t want to date anyone period? Or maybe he–

Stop. 

Dan can’t do this, he can’t spiral about Phil’s love life. He can’t like Phil. He forces his thoughts to focus on Phil right now, as a friend and only a friend, and focus on the conversation they are having, not reading into it any more. 

“You don’t?” Dan tries to continue, not really sure where this is headed, “Do you know who it is?”

“Some girl named Imogen?” Phil takes a slice of pizza and puts it in his mouth. 

“Oh! Imogen is nice, I’ve met her,” Dan responds.

Really he wants to say, ‘She’s an annoying blonde bitch that only cares about how she looks, you’d hate her’ but he doesn't. 

Phil is chewing, his eyes stuck on Dan but Dan doesn’t want to look at Phil. He keeps his eyes down, or looking out the window. It feels like he’s in some fever dream where he can’t figure out if this is real life. Is Phil really sitting across from him right now telling him these things? The Phil Lester he was so sure he would despise? Is he really shoving down feelings for him, fighting the urge to fall so deeply in love with a guy he feels he hardly knows? 

Until Phil says something else, something that shakes Dan awake. 

“I don’t think I like girls.”

No fucking way. 

Dan can feel his blood turn cold as he realizes what Phil just said to him. Dan finally lets his brown eyes look into Phil’s blue ones. The look on Phil’s face is different from what Dan has normally seen. Phil looks so different. 

“I like boys, Dan.”

“Oh!” Dan says in an attempt to make sure he doesn’t act like a dick, "That's cool, but maybe you should tell PJ that.”

“I should, right? I just…I haven’t really come out to a lot of people yet,” Phil's eyes stay locked on Dan's and now Dan fears he can’t ever look away. 

“I mean, you should when you're ready…” Dan doesn’t know what else to say, what other advice he can give. 

“Is that what you did when you came out?”

Dan's eyes widened, “Wha–How did you know that?” 

“Sorry, PJ said you were gay when I first met you. I guess I figured you might have some advice for me,” Phil looks out the window. He looks like he’s embarrassed about outing Dan just now. But Dan doesn't really care about that. If PJ told Phil that he was gay, then he did him a favor by not having to make coming out to Phil later a thing. 

“It’s…okay,” Dan clears his throat trying to remember how to talk, “I would tell him, if you’re ready.”

Phil nods but his mind seems somewhere else. It’s the first time Dan thinks he’s seeing a different side of Phil. A vulnerable side, the real side. It’s making Dan’s emotions run wild. Like the possibility of being with Phil. Dan tries to block it once again. It doesn’t matter that Phil is also gay, he can’t like Phil. He won’t let the friend he just made get ruined because Dan is craving some type of intimacy. He likes Phil way too much to do that. 

“I want to,” Phil finally says, “But I just don't know how to yet. I know he’s not going to judge me, but it’s just…”

Phil’s voice trails off. And Dan feels like he has to step in. 

“I get it, trust me I really get it.”

“Yeah?” Phil looks at him again. 

“Yeah, and honestly if you're not ready to tell PJ then I would wait until you know you are ready to do it. You might have to play along with him wanting you to date girls for a bit, but I can…I dunno, like help you?” Dan doesn’t really know why he’s offering this, but he thinks it's the least he can do. 

“Help me?”

Dan nods. 

“How?” 

Dan shrugs, “I’ll distract the girls with my good looks.” Dan smiles as he pretends to flip his nonexistent hair off his shoulder, which makes Phil laugh at him. And that just pulls Dan in deeper to the hole that is Phil’s love, or rather it’s a hole of delusion. 

Phil’s laugh is contagious as a big smile breaks out on Dan’s lips and a laugh escapes from them as well. 

“Oh yeah, they’ll swoon over you,” Phil continues with a giggle, “I can’t wait to see what your moves are.”

“I’m a bit rusty,” Dan admits honestly, “But I’ll just show them my Mario Kart skills and it will be over.”

“Mmm, I bet women love that,” Phil plays along.  

“They do, you wouldn’t know since your skills are nonexistent,” Dan flashes a smug look at Phil who stares back at him, fish mouthed. 

“Really? Didn’t I just win the last round we played?”

“Because I let you.”

“Okay, I call a rematch then!” Phil jumps up from the table and like children they race back into the lounge to start the game back up. 

It’s a rush of adrenaline for them pulling up the game and starting it. Dan so fucking focused on beating Phil but at some point he’s losing his concentration. He can’t stop looking over at Phil, he can’t stop picturing what more they could be, what this small friendship could turn into. It’s obvious they like each other, like in general. They have similar taste in games, music, humor, TV shows, everything. Phil makes him laugh, Phil makes him forget he has a mental illness haunting his every move. Dan thinks he found his fucking soulmate. 

Or maybe he is just fucking delusional.

ᯓ★

Chapter Text

Dan skips therapy today. He doesn’t like it when he does that, he always feels guilty about it. He called the front office and made up some excuse about being ill. It makes Dan worry how much he lies to people. He doesn’t understand why telling the truth is more terrifying to him than getting caught. Dan only skips therapy when he thinks he’s feeling better, or really when he’s distracted. Also his mother hasn’t contacted him, which is scary but it’s not bothering him so he waves it off. Things with Phil are all Dan can focus on right now. 

He made his way to Sophie and PJ’s flat Friday night. Him and Charlotte arrived practically at the same time. Dan pesters her to tell him some of the films they are watching, but she just laughs while watching Dan fidget with the idea of not knowing. PJ too. They all help Sophie with snacks and drinks in the kitchen and then finally, Phil arrives. 

Dan doesn’t know if his friends can see how different they are at this moment. How close they’ve suddenly gotten. He kind of hopes they can’t, so he can keep Phil locked away in a small box just for himself. Phil doesn’t leave Dan side as they start helping set up for the night. They've made a bed of pillows and blankets on the floor in front of the television while Sophie and Charlotte are getting the film set up on the TV. 

Then someone else arrives. Dan sees the look on Phil’s face fall when PJ goes to open the door and it’s one of Sophie's friends, Imogen. Dan has met her before, she’s an old friend of Sophie's but Dan doesn’t care for her. She may be nice to your face but Dan knows she’s more of a bitch than a friend. 

“Don’t worry,” Dan whispers to Phil as PJ is letting Imogen into the apartment. 

“Trying not to,” Phil grits through his teeth. 

“Phil, come meet Imogen!” PJ says excitedly. Phil throws on a fake smile and gets off the floor with Dan to meet her. 

Dan watches the interaction wishing it wasn’t happening at all. Imogen grins her pearly white teeth at Phil and flips her blonde hair off her shoulder. They shake hands. Dan watches how Phil is so charming even when he doesn’t want to be. He’s polite, he’s good looking, and he’s making her laugh already. Jealousy creeps into his heart making it hard to not do something. What he would do, he doesn’t know. He can’t punch Imogen in the face for being nice to Phil and he can’t hate Phil for being nice back. He can’t be upset about this at all because Phil and Dan are just friends. 

So as just friends, they sit next to each other on the floor. Charlotte is on Dan’s right while Phil is on his left. Next to Phil sits Imogen then Sophie and then PJ on the end. 

The movie starts and they all dive into the snacks Sophie had prepared with their help. Dan watches the screen as the movie Poltergeist starts showing. Dan likes horror movies as long as it's not actually scaring him so he’s excited to watch this movie. He’s seen it before, but it’s been awhile. The room is quiet beside the speaker blasting the audio from the television. Otherwise everyone is silent, eyes glued to the screen. 

Dan relaxes his body against the pillows. He can’t help but glance over to his left. Phil watches the television along with everyone else in the room. Except Dan who watches Phil like he’s the real movie. He keeps thinking about Imogen who’s right next to him, who has no idea that Phil wants nothing to do with her. He thinks about PJ, who if he knew that Phil was gay, he’d be mortified that he ever tried to set Phil up with a girl. But Dan knows how hard it is to come out to people, he couldn’t even tell his family in person.  

Dan loses his gaze when Charlotte's head leans on his shoulder. 

“Do you want to watch Scream next?” She whispers quietly so no one else can hear them. 

“Sure,” Dan smiles at her, his voice low as well, “Is that the theme, old horror movies?”

She nods with a grin, “Figured you’d like it.”

Dan lets his eyes go back to the television screen, but he doesn’t pay attention because Charlotte says something that makes his stomach hurt. 

“I can’t believe Imogen is here,” her voice is so low, Dan isn’t sure he heard her correctly. 

“PJ invited her, for Phil,” Dan admits, there is a lump stuck in his throat and he’s unsure why. Should he not be telling Charlotte this? He doesn’t know. 

“Really?” Charlotte's voice gets slightly higher, and Dan feels uncomfortable. He looks to see if anyone has noticed their conversation. Phil's eyes are still glued to the television as well as the rest of the group. 

“He wants to set them up, but–”

Dan stops himself. He can’t out Phil to Charlotte. If Phil isn’t ready to tell PJ yet he’s not going to be ready to tell Charlotte. 

“But what?” she asks. Dan wants to punch himself in the face. 

“I just don't really think she would be a good match for him,” Dan says truthfully. Even though he’s not giving away the real reason why he believes that, it’s an honest response. And Charlotte nods, like she’s in agreement. 

“I’ve never cared for her, but Phil does seem lonely,” Charlotte sighs. Dan looks at her and Charlotte lifts her head off his shoulder to look back. His eyebrows furrow in confusion. 

“Lonely?”

“Yeah, PJ said Chris isn’t around much and Phil doesn’t have any other friends around here.”

Dan lips frown. Phil was so friendly, so outgoing, it shocked Dan to know that Charlotte saw him as lonely. He doesn’t see Phil as that, he sees that more in himself. 

“I’ve, uh…been hanging out with him recently,” Dan says as softly as he can. Charlotte’s eyes narrow for a moment before she starts to smile, a sinister smile that makes Dan’s forehead feel sweaty. 

“Oh, really?” she's doing that thing with her voice, making it get more high pitched and actually kind of loud. 

Dan shushes her. 

“And you were so scared of him,” Charlotte lets out a quiet giggle. 

“I was not scared of him,” Dan rolls his eyes, “I was just nervous, you know how I get sometimes.”

“Yes, I know,” Charlotte leans back against the pillows now their eyes move back to the television screen. Dan glances back over to Phil who looks like he’s whispering something to Imogen. 

It makes Dan’s stomach curl seeing them talk to each other, Dan doesn't know why it angers him so bad. He kind of wishes that sat between them, so he could keep them apart. But that is stupid. Dan tries not to pay attention to them the rest of the movie. And after it's over Sophie starts up Scream and Charlotte asks Dan to come with her into the kitchen to refill everyone's drinks. 

As Dan stands up to follow Charlotte, he looks over at his friends sitting on the floor. PJ is checking his phone, but when Dan looks over to Phil he thinks he might be sick. 

At first he thinks his eyes are tricking him, maybe staring at the television screen too long was doing something to his corneas but nope, what Dan was seeing was real. 

Phil was talking to Imogen, both of them with stupid smiles on their faces and their hands… Fuck, Dan can’t look anymore. He acts like he didn’t see anything as he hurries into the kitchen that's right behind the lounge. He can still see the top of their heads as he stands next to Charlotte at the counter. He can’t stop seeing it in his head. 

“Char,” Dan chokes out. He is going to vomit if he doesn’t tell someone, "Charlotte!"

“What?” Charlotte turns around and stares at Dan. She knows right away something is wrong. 

“What's going on? Why do you look like that?” She doesn't have to explain. Dan knows he’s paler than a ghost and probably covered in sweat. 

“They're holding hands.” Dan forces the words out through gritted teeth. 

Charlotte’s forehead wrinkles, "Seriously? They just met!”

“I know,” Dan says, “Her hand was like, on top of his so…”

“That’s odd,” Charlotte looks in the lounge at the back of their heads just like Dan is. 

Dan just bites his lip. He can’t say he’s jealous, he can’t say he’s been possibly having feelings for Phil recently and that’s why he looks like a sheet of paper when he saw Phil holding hands with a girl. 

“I kind of thought Phil was gay,” Charlotte's words are like ice on Dan’s skin. 

“He is,” Dan blurts out without thinking.

Charlotte’s head whips back around so fast, her jaw drops.  

“Oh, fuck,” Dan slaps his hand over his mouth, “I wasn’t suppose to say that.”

Charlotte cocks her head to the side, “Wait. So, he is gay?”

“Yeah…” Dan’s voice wavers, “I wasn’t supposed to say anything, but he told me yesterday.”

“Then why the fuck is he holding hands with Imogen?” Charlotte crossed her arms over her chest in disbelief. 

“I…I don’t know, maybe he’s just being nice,” Dan shrugs, he knows Phil is probably just doing it for PJ's sake, he at least hopes so. 

“You can’t tell Phil I told you,” Dan says quickly before Charlotte says anything else.

“I won’t say anything, Dan. Don’t worry,” she nods. 

Dan nods back. He feels horrible for doing that, Phil would kill him if he found out he totally outed him to Charlotte, not like Charlotte would care. Dan decides he’ll beat himself up later because now he had to help Charlotte with the drinks. 

But when Dan and Charlotte turn around to leave the kitchen, Phil stands in their way. It feels like a bowling ball has fallen into Dan’s stomach. 

“H-hey Phil,” he stutters with a crooked smile. 

“Need help?” Phil runs his slender fingers through his chestnut hair. 

“No, uh, I think we got it. Right Char?” Dan replies even though both of their arms are full of cups filled with soda.

Charlotte nods, poking her head out from behind Dan’s tall figure. 

“Thought your hands were too busy,” Charlotte says with a grin at Phil. Dan feels all the blood drain from his body. 

“Charlotte,” he hisses as he looks at her. Why the fuck would she say that?!

Phil looks paler than he normally is, if that's even possible. 

“I wasn’t trying to do that, she grabbed my hand and I didn’t know…what to do,” Phil says quickly and quietly. Dan feels like his blood is returning. 

Why am I doubting Phil when he literally told me he was gay, Dan asks himself? He doesn’t understand why he got so freaked out thinking that it was possible that Phil was actually liking Imogen, which was never true. Phil is just Phil, charming, flirty, and attractive without even trying. 

“Oh.” That shuts up both Charlotte and Dan. 

Phil doesn't say anything else, he grabs the cups Dan is holding and takes them into the lounge. Dan stands still for a second, first because Phil’s fingers touched Dan’s when he grabbed the cups causing Dan's whole body to tremble. And second because he doesn’t know if what Charlotte said pissed him off or not, or if maybe he’s just embarrassed. 

“Come on,” Charlotte pushes against Dan's back to get him to move so he does. He walks back out into the lounge to see the movie Scream now playing on the TV and Phil is sitting in the same spot next to Imogen. Dan helps Charlotte hand out the drinks and then he sits down in his spot next to Phil. 

This time, Phil keeps his hands in his lap, right where Dan can see them the rest of the night.

-

It’s late when he gets home. He thought about spending the night at PJ’s, but Dan would much rather sleep in his own bed than sleep on their small couch. His long body was not built for sleeping on couches, especially not the one Sophie and PJ had. He’s making his way up the stairs in the apartment building and stops when he reaches his floor. 

A figure is standing by his door. A person with a dark blue coat wrapped around them. Dan does not recognize them for a minute and is trying to prepare himself to fight a robber or a murder at this moment. But the figure takes off their hood and Dan feels even more terrified than before. 

“Hi Mum.” He walks over to her, she looks cold, “What are you doing here?”

"I've been waiting for you,” she sounds different in person, more scared than normal. Her long brown hair is twisted into a clip at the back of her head. Her skin looks pale and lifeless except the purple flush of a bruise fading below her right eye. She looks like a shell of the woman Dan once knew. He doesn’t remember the last time he saw her in person. He missed out on Christmas this year, she thinks because he had a stomach bug. Really Dan couldn’t get out of his bed to face her. 

“I’m so sorry, I was at a friend's house, you should have called me,” Dan is unlocking his door and opening it wide for his mother to come in. He was not expecting this. His mother does not normally show up at his flat like this. 

“I didn’t want to brother you, I figured I’d just wait for you to come home,” she says as he takes off her coat. Dan hurries into the kitchen to make her a warm cup of tea. 

As he’s doing so, his mother takes a seat at one of the tall barstools that line the other side of Dan’s kitchen counter. She is watching him as he starts the kettle and gets a mug down from the cabinet. 

“So, what's going on? Are you okay? Is–” Dan stops himself before bringing up his father. He’d much rather not talk about dad at all, but why else would his mom show up at his place and wait for him? Especially so late into the night. 

“I’m…” she doesn't finish her sentence. 

Dan places the cup of tea in front of her and she stares at it like the swirling liquid is hypnotizing her. The silence is killing him. He doesn’t like this, she’s acting weird. 

“Mum,” he speaks again. Something is wrong, Dan can feel it deep down. 

“He came home, and it wasn’t good,” she finally admits with a huff.

Dan’s stomach tightens. He wants to say something, but he can’t. Dan opens his mouth then closes it. His words won’t do any good. He knows better than to just blurt shit out, that's what got him in trouble last time.

His mother continues as she takes the warm mug into his trembling hands, “I had to call them, he was convulsing on the floor. They took him and I guess he’ll be in a rehab facility for a few weeks. He almost overdosed, Daniel.”

“Shit.” 

He feels bad he just cursed in front of his mother but she just nods at him, “Yeah, shit.”

It’s not a moment to laugh, but Dan has never heard his mother curse in the whole time he has been alive. A part of him wants to smile, because she actually sounds human for once, not the robot that only lives to serve her abuser. 

“I haven’t told your brother yet, I’d rather not bother him with his schooling,” She takes a small sip of her drink and places the mug back down on the counter, “I just can’t stay at the house right now, it feels…wrong.”

“You can stay here, Mum,” Dan tries to make eye contact with her but she is too focused on the cup. Either that or she just doesn’t want to look him in the eyes. 

As much as Dan doesn’t really want his Mum here right now, he doesn’t have much of a choice. This isn’t the first time his dad has gone to rehab. This isn't the first time he’s tried to overdose. But it doesn’t matter that this is the typical routine for Dan, it still comes as a shock to him, and it still makes his head spin with memories, flashbacks to the times it happened when he was a kid and it was all happening right in front of him. It’s all about to come back and Dan has to just take it. 

“Just for tonight and then I’ll visit him in the morning. Do you want to come with me?”

Dan wants to puke. His stomach keeps getting more and more twisted. He can’t do this, he can’t go see his father. It’s bad enough his mother is going to stay the night here, he knows it’s going to trigger so many things he doesn’t want to think about, but seeing his dad is really crossing the line.

He wishes he could lie right now, all he does is lie to protect himself, but right now he can’t. 

“I-I don’t know if I can,” he admits to her. Now Dan can’t make eye contact, mainly because they are filled with tears and he doesn’t really want his mother to see him cry. 

“He needs you,” she pushes, “He needs us to support him, Dan, please.”

“Mum,” he is grinding his teeth as he speaks to her. 

This is hurting him far worse than he thought it would. The memories of his childhood are flooding back into his head and it’s causing his body to react in a way he doesn’t want it to. This is the part of PTSD Dan hates, he hates when little things trigger them. Like just the thought of seeing his father again makes his whole body shake with fear. It makes him want to die. 

“I can’t,” he says again. She is not going to understand, Dan will try and accept that this is really going to piss her off, but he does not care. He has to protect his head; all the mental health achievements he’s gotten will be washed away if he backtracks. 

“Then I’ll just leave,” Her tone is sharp. It pierces Dan’s fragile heart. She gets up from the stool, but Dan stops her. He moves to stand in her way as she is going to get her coat. Dan isn’t going to let her leave, not like this. 

“Mum, just stay tonight, please,” Dan finally looks at her. 

Can she see how bloodshot his eyes are from holding back tears? Can she see the look on his face of pure terror thinking about having to face his father? How does she not understand? 

She takes a deep breath, letting it out with a frustrated sigh, “Fine, I will be leaving early in the morning,” she finally agrees. Dan nods while biting his lip. 

“Let me grab some clean sheets, you can take my bed,” Dan says and his mother goes back to sitting at the counter drinking her tea.

Dan gets his mother set up in his room and then he takes to the couch for the night. 

If Dan would have known he’d be sleeping on the couch no matter what tonight, he would have just stayed at PJ's. Granted, that would mean his mother would be sleeping on the floor outside of his apartment if she refused to go home. But his couch is a lot bigger and is more comfortable than PJ’s, he and Phil shared it once when the snowstorm came in and Dan wouldn’t let Phil leave. But now he lays here alone, in the dark. 

He misses Phil right now. 

He had a good night with him besides secretly shooting daggers at Imogen the whole time. Dan hopes Phil will tell PJ that he is gay soon, so Dan doesn’t have to sit and watch Phil get swooned on by girls again. But he won’t push it. He’ll keep doing what he’s doing, being Phil’s friend. It feels like the only thing keeping him alive right now. 

Dan turns over on the couch, bringing the blanket closer to his face, he closes his eyes and tries to fall asleep. His head is filled with blurred memories of his father seizing on the bathroom floor of his parents' home. More dark memories pop up when Dan tries to shut them out, like when his father shook him awake in the middle of night begging for Dan to kill him because he was in so much pain going through withdrawals. Like when his father was so strung out, he attacked Dan’s mother and Dan was the one prying the man off of her. More and more pop up, memories that just make Dan want to fall into a hole and never come out. 

Dan has to distract his brain. The only thing he can think of right now that makes all of his trauma disappear is Phil Lester. 

ᯓ★

Chapter Text

Almost a week has gone by since Dan has spoken to anyone. He’s gone to work and he’s gone straight home everyday that week. He’s ignored every call and text he’s gotten from Sophie, PJ and Charlotte. Phil hasn’t reached out. 

Dan can feel the world suffocating him as he just tries to exist in it. He’s not trying to change the world, he’s not even trying to have a career or be an individual human being. He’s just trying to survive. Being in survival mode your whole life is a tiring game. It makes him push away the people who care about him most, it makes him isolate himself thinking he’s doing it for protection. He’s just trying to make it to the next day without thinking about killing himself. 

The worse Dan lets himself fall, the harder it gets to stand back up. 

Dan watches TV when he gets home from work on Friday. The weekend is here and he’s already been asked by all of his friends to hang out. But not by Phil. 

Dan doesn’t know if Phil is upset with him or if maybe Phil is just not interested in being friends with Dan anymore. He is probably overthinking this, but it’s bothering him. He guesses that Phil knows he told Charlotte about him, but he isn’t sure. He isn’t sure of anything besides that he can’t move. His eyes strain against the light of the television. His phone next to him is vibrating, but he doesn't look. It doesn’t matter who it is anymore, Dan won’t answer the phone. 

He can feel the anxiety creeping in, it’s taking over his mind. He’s put off having any type of attacks because he’s not ready to explode. He’s been shoving all of it down, all of his anxious feelings, all of his pain. Until right now they have started bubbling up, ready to overflow. Nothing triggered it. He sits watching TV, letting tears well in his eyes. 

A cold shower could get rid of this, Dan thinks. He could try and prevent it from happening, but Dan doesn’t know if that's the best idea. He’s afraid it will push it down more, and then the next time it will be a bigger explosion, one he can’t control. He doesn’t want to suppress it, but he doesn’t want to deal with it either. 

He thinks about hurting himself, like that would solve anything. Even though he’s said a million times he won’t, the thought always pops into his head. He begs it to leave, talking to his brain like they are two different people. 

Please stop, you can’t do it, you know you can't do that. Please. 

The iPhone next to Dan’s thigh is vibrating again. Dan refuses to acknowledge it. He keeps his eyes focused on the show even though he’s not paying attention to what is happening, he’s only focusing on trying to find a way out of having this panic attack. 

But a knock at his front door slightly does that. His heart races, pulling him out of his depressive mindset and back to reality. Someone is banging at his door. It scares him. He doesn’t move as fear takes over him. 

Then a voice shouts from the other side of the door. 

“Dan! Dan, are you okay?”

It’s fucking PJ, Dan thinks to himself. He recognizes the voice instantly. 

“Dan, it's Charlotte! Let us in!” Charlotte's voice yells along with PJ’s

Fuck.

He has officially worried the fuck out of his friends that they have shown up to his flat to check on him. This hasn’t happened in years, Dan honestly didn’t think they’d freak out this bad. Makes him feel a little grateful that they at least still care about him. 

“Dan!” The banging increases and Dan has to answer the door before his neighbors complain. He stands up, his knees wobble. 

Slowly he walks to the door and opens it. Charlotte basically tackles him, her arms wrap around his torso and PJ pushes past her into the apartment. PJ’s eyes scan the room, like he’s looking for anything to be concerned about.

“Are you okay?” PJ’s voice is yelling at him without PJ actually raising his voice. Dan doesn't know what to say and Charlotte is still squeezing the life out of him. 

“Clearly he's not,” Charlotte speaks for Dan, finally letting go of her embrace. 

“Well, yeah, Charlotte. Why else would we be here?” PJ snaps back. 

“I’m fine,” Dan blurts out the biggest lie of the century. 

“Yeah right!” Charlotte snorts, “You haven’t spoken to any of us in a week! What's going on?”

PJ and her stare at him, waiting for an answer. As much as Dan never wants to tell the truth, he has to. His friends don't just show up at his home like this without actually being concerned. And Dan knows he’s given them years of worry, they have a right to be worried about him. He can’t lie anymore. 

Dan sucks in a deep breath. 

“My mom visited me.”

They know what that means. Dan watches the look on their faces turn to real fear. 

“What did she say?” Charlotte's voice is small, barely above a whisper. 

“That Dad’s in rehab again, he overdosed…again.” 

Charlotte nods while PJ just stands there with his eyes wide. 

“I’m so sorry, Dan,” Charlotte responds.

“She wanted me to see him,” Dan blurts out. He has to say it because that is the part of this that is making his head spin, that is the part that really triggered his episode. Just thinking about being in the same room with that man makes his body go into panic mode. 

PJ shakes his head, his eyebrows arched, “What the fuck is wrong with her?!”

Dan flinches as PJ yells. Charlotte looked over at him, “PJ, chill out,” she says with a frown on her lips. 

“Sorry,” PJ lets out a tired sigh, “I just can’t stand it when she does that to him.”

“I know,” Charlotte replicates PJ’s sigh, they both look at Dan with eyes filled with pity. 

He hates this. 

“Can we not talk about it, I really don’t want to keep thinking about this,” Dan says, his throat hurts as he’s choking back the urge to sob. 

“Are you sure? We are here for you, Dan,” Charlotte asks. 

PJ follows her lead, “Yeah, please don’t push us away, Dan.”

“I don’t want to push you guys away,” Dan says back, “But I just don’t want to sit and wallow in this anymore than I already have. I need to be distracted.”

“Okay,” Charlotte nods understandingly. 

“Do you want to go out?” PJ asks, smiling at Dan, “We can get wasted and think about nothing.”

“I don’t think that's a good idea–”

“Yes,” Dan interrupts Charlotte, whose face is filled with concern. 

“It will be fine, Char,” PJ puts his hand on her shoulder to assure her. They all know that suppressing Dan’s trauma and anxiety with alcohol is not healthy at all, but Dan just needs to get out of this apartment. He needs to get his brain away from all of the pain that keeps pulling him under water. Dan was so close to drowning, so close to actually hurting himself, he can’t risk it. 

Dan gives Charlotte his best puppy dog eyes, “Come on Char. Let's get drunk and have fun.”

She rolls her eyes, unable to hide the grin that has formed on her red lips, “Whatever, let’s go.”

The boys smile at her. It takes Dan a few minutes to change his clothes and they all head out. This time the crowded bar is exactly what Dan needs to cure the nerves that course through his body. He orders a cocktail along with shots for him and his friends. Charlotte is still acting concerned about Dan as he’s downing his drinks and then forcing them to all take a shot of vodka with him, but Dan is telling her it’s fine. He needs this. 

Dan gets another cocktail, and this time Sophie has shown up to join them. It isn’t long before she gets Dan out on the dance floor with her and they are jumping and moving to the terrible pop music that is blasting through the speakers. 

Dan loves it. He loves the warm feeling of alcohol in his body, making him forget about all the pain that he had been wallowing in for the last week. 

Dan gets another drink and then PJ orders the group more shots, this time they are on fire which is enticing all of them. Dan realizes he's pretty drunk when he throws back the flaming liquor. The vodka burns in his mouth. It all feels good though. No anxiety making his stomach hurt, no tears spilling out of his eyes uncontrollably. He hasn’t had to run to the bathroom to splash water on his face once. He’s drowning all his demons with liquor and it’s working. 

It’s really not healthy, it’s not safe, but Dan doesn't care. 

“I need to make a phone call, come with me!” Charlotte tugs on the sleeve of Dan's arm as she yells over the loud music. He places the empty shot glass on the counter and nods and he follows Charlotte as she exits the building. 

The air is cold outside. It’s almost the middle of February now, but Dan has so much alcohol in him that the cold air doesn’t bother him. It feels good as the wind chills the sweat on his face. He watches Charlotte standing a few meters away on the pavement in front of the bar, her iPhone pressed to her ear. He worries that something is wrong but Charlotte's face doesn’t look worried as she speaks to whoever on the phone, she looks like she’s smiling, laughing.

His thoughts are interrupted when his vision is suddenly obstructed. Two hands cover his eyes and then a soft whisper in his ear makes chills run down his spine, “Guess who.”

The butterflies are gnawing his stomach, as he sucks in cold air. He knows exactly who is standing behind him, hovering their lips over his ear. It makes his drunk mind spin. A mix of fear and happiness tugs at him, fighting for control. Ultimately Dan will let them both win. 

“Hi Phil,” he says with a smile forming on his mouth. 

The hands are removed from his eyes and Dan turns around. He expects to see the beautiful Phil Lester, the man who has been tugging at Dan's heartstrings since he met him. But this Phil is different. He’s even more beautiful. 

Dan almost falls over, he loses his balance for a moment, stumbling back in shock at Phil’s different appearance. He may be pretty drunk right now, but he thinks he’s been roofied. He can’t believe this is real. 

Phil stands before him, with beautiful platinum blonde locks dripping down his forehead. His hair is trimmed too, the sides shaved and the rest tapered up to fluffy blonde fringe. It’s crisp and white and it almost makes Phil look less pale. It makes Phil look hot, sexy, fucking erotic as his new blonde hair frames his face perfectly. Dan can’t control his crotch getting tight as he stares at Phil’s new hair, it’s literally turning him on just by looking at it. 

“Oh my god,” are the only words he can manage to pull out of his mouth. Phil just continues to grin. 

“Do you like it?” Phil asks him as he runs his finger through his new blonde locks. 

Dan nods rapidly, “Yes, holy shit, yes.”

He can’t help himself; Dan reaches out for Phil’s head, letting his fingers graze through his freshly bleached hair. It’s soft and fluffy, and warm. Dan’s cold fingers soak it up. He can’t stop feeling Phil’s soft hair in between them. 

Phil just giggles as Dan does this. It’s too much, what Dan is doing. He shouldn't be groping Phil’s head just because he bleached his hair. 

“Sorry, I should–” Dan stops himself. Realizing he probably looks weird as fuck touching Phil’s hair in the middle of the pavement, “—stop.”

“It’s okay,” Phil smirks.

“I didn’t know you were coming here,” Dan says to him. He looks at Phil’s eyes, the blue-gray color is popping out at him, pulling him in for more. 

“PJ said it was urgent, that you needed friends around,” Phil stuffed his hands in the pocket of his black denim jacket. 

His words make Dan’s throat dry up. 

“Oh.”

“Are you okay?” 

Dan does not want to answer Phil right now. He’s pissed PJ said something about his mental state to Phil, he doesn’t need Phil to know about any of that yet. 

“Yeah,” Dan grins a fake smile. But there is enough alcohol in him where he doesn’t have to fake it for long.

Dan looks around for Charlotte, but when he doesn’t see her, he assumes she went back inside. He looks back to Phil. 

“Lets get you a drink,” Dan decides to be risky and takes Phil’s hand into his as he pulls the pretty blonde man into the building. 

-

Dan doesn’t remember much after that. The night becomes a complete blur as he consumes more than enough liquor to impair his brain. And after hours more of dancing and drinking, at some point he gets walked home…by Phil. 

Dan is spinning as he throws himself down on his bed as soon as they enter his flat. Phil watches, standing in the doorway of Dan’s bedroom, he watches the highly intoxicated man slump into a mess of blankets and pillows. Dan can’t see Phil smiling at him. Dan also can’t remember that he called Phil pretty at least four times tonight, or that he was constantly touching his new blonde hair. 

Dan groans as the darkness is rapidly spinning behind his eyes. He hates this. He hates being drunk, and he hates the spinning. 

“You alright?” Phil asks him, his voice sounding like they are underwater. Dan has to use all his strength to pull his head out of the spinning darkness. 

“Uh,” is all he manages to let come out of his mouth. Is that enough for Phil to just leave him? Let him suffer in his poor choice of coping? 

“Dan.”

Phil’s voice sounds weird still. Is he dreaming? 

“Yeah?” Dan manages to blurt out, though it’s slightly muffled from the blankets.

“Dan, do you–”

Dan listens but Phil doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t finish his sentence and as the spinning increases, Dan thinks maybe he’s fucking hearing shit. Maybe he really is dreaming all of this. Maybe none of this is even real.

“I’m going to leave, Dan.”

The words are like an instant wake up call like this isn't a dream anymore. Dan shoots up in the bed, trying to open his eyes and see the blonde man standing in his bedroom. 

“Wait,” Dan rubs his eyes and tries to not see double, but that is impossible, “Thank you…for walking me home.”

Dan can see Phil give him a soft smile, “Yeah, no problem.”

“You can stay if you want,” Dan says back trying to figure out how not to let Phil leave. He doesn’t know why but he is desperate for him to stay. 

“Thanks, but I’ll be okay. I barely drank,” Phil shrugs. Dan just nods trying not to feel so dizzy but Phil won’t stop spinning. 

“Okay,” Dan cracks a smile, “Be safe.” he says even though he doesn’t want to. He rather Phil lay down with him in his bed, hold him, let Dan run his fingers through Phil’s hair. 

But Phil can’t read his mind. So Phil nods and then disappears from the doorway. Dan hears his front door open and close and then silence begins to fill his ears. Silence that makes Dan feel sick. It makes the panic return. Panic mixed with pain, sadness and self hatred. All of it consumes him. He wishes Phil had stayed. 

Dan lays back down on the bed. He lets his eyes close for a second before he’s spinning again, this time he has to just turn on his side and place a foot on the floor of his room just so that he feels grounded. The blackness stops spinning slightly, making it easier for Dan’s to drift unconscious. 

He wakes up only a few hours later in a panic. His dream was more of a night terror, with tight small spaces, and dark rooms he can’t see into. A maze of endless white hallways and corridors, leading to absolutely nothing. He kept thinking he was seeing figures, hiding in the shadows. He even thought one was his dad, his mum, his brother, even PJ seems to be following him. But Dan can’t stop looking through the darkness, he has to find–

It’s just a fucking dream, Dan realizes when he sits up in his bed. He’s out of breath, his body coated with sweat. It takes him a minute to remember where he is, to remind himself he’s in his own home and he’s safe…for the most part. 

The hangover is worse than his last one. He does his typical routine though, eat, shower, hydrate and pop as many pain pills as he can without overdosing. 

And he goes right back to bed. 

-

Dan sits on Charlotte’s couch with at least four bags of candy on his lap. Their Anti-Valentines day party has been the highlight of Dan’s years. This year it was delayed, as Dan didn’t speak to anyone for about a week so him sitting on Charlotte's sofa right now with her is making up for it. They order as much food as possible, eat as much candy as they can handle and just watch films or Drag Race or even music videos, whatever makes them not think about their chronically single lives. 

Dan watches the TV while Charlotte is putting away the massive amounts of pizza they ordered. He’s been trying so hard to get out of the bad depressive slump he’s fallen into. Charlotte has too. She’s been up Dan’s ass almost everyday, making sure he’s been eating and taking care of himself.

But all Dan can think about is Phil, and how Phil again hasn’t texted him, hasn't said a word to him since he got blackout drunk at the bar last weekend. Dan doesn’t like that it’s bothering him, he’s trying to forget about it. But it’s hard when he really likes Phil, and he wishes Phil liked him as much as he likes Phil. 

But Charlotte isn’t helping.  

“We should have invited Phil over,” Charlotte says when she comes back to the sofa and snatches a bag of candy from Dan’s lap. 

Dan feels queasy. Maybe it’s the candy, or maybe it's because Charlotte said Phil’s name. Maybe it’s because Phil hasn’t spoken to him since Dan’s got way too wasted and Phil walked him home. Maybe Phil is finally realizing how unstable Dan is, and he wants nothing to do with him. Maybe—

“Why?” Dan spits at her, his face bunched up in disgust. 

Charlotte frowns at Dan’s harsh tone. He didn’t mean for it to sound so rude, it’s just he doesn’t understand why one second Phil was so close to becoming a new…something to him, he doesn’t get why he lost it so fast. 

“Why not? He’s single, he’s lonely, we should invite him over,” Charlotte stares intensely at Dan. Like she knows there’s something Dan isn’t telling her and she’s going to figure it out. 

“Fine, invite him over,” Dan looks away from her, back to the TV. 

“Dan.”

“What?”

“What is going on?”

“Nothing.”

“You don’t want Phil to come over?"

“I didn’t say that.”

“Dan...”

“What, Char?” Dan is annoyed now. He looks back over at his friend to see her expression changed to one with a grin and narrowed eyes. 

“You’re acting weird, tell me what it is? I thought you and Phil were like friends now,” She shifts closer to him on the couch. 

“Yeah, we were friends,” Dan rolls his eyes. He doesn’t want to explain this, he doesn’t want to relive it in his head, but Charlotte is forcing him too. It pisses him off. 

“What do you mean–”

“Maybe I should go.” Dan stands up abruptly. The candy falls to the floor so Dan reaches down to pick it up. 

“Are you okay?” The tone of her voice makes Dan want to cry. Charlotte isn’t smiling anymore, she’s frowning. 

No, obviously not. 

“I’m just not feeling great, too many sweets,” Dan sighs as he hands Charlotte the sweets. She stares at them for a moment before finally reaching out and taking them from Dan's hand. 

“Dan,” Charlotte’s voice wavers slightly, like she's warning him. Like she knows he’s obviously upset. For fuck’s sake, he’s showing it all over his face. Dan can’t hide it very well, but that's why he has to go. He’s not ready to open this can of worms. 

“Sorry, Char,” Dan walks to the front door, grabs his coat and leaves. 

The walk home is killing him. The air is ice cold, it slicing at his uncovered cheeks. His body is chilled to the bone and is trembling as he tries to walk faster down the dark roads. 

You're stupid, stupid!! Dan yells at himself in his head. He didn’t have to snap at Charlotte like that, she only asked what was wrong, only trying to clarify. It just irritated him that he had the same questions and they were still unanswered. And that for maybe a second, Dan thought Phil was his friend, and that maybe a tiny part of him thought there could be something more. But now it's over. 

It’s all bubbling up more and more. The panic attack Dan was supposed to have before Charlotte and PJ showed up at his flat was suppressed once again. And the rest of this week that's all Charlotte’s been helping him do. He’s pushed it down enough, it’s ready to explode. But Dan can’t have a panic attack in the middle of the pavement. So he hurries more to his flat. He’s almost running as he gets closer and closer to his apartment building. 

He can’t stop thinking about how rude he was to Charlotte, how uncalled for that was. He can’t stop thinking about how Phil looked the last time he saw him, how angel-like he was, how good he smelled. Dan can’t stop picturing that night going differently, like actually convincing Phil to stay the night with him, what position their bodies would be in the morning when they woke up in the same bed. Dan can’t–

“Whoa!” 

Someone's shoulder slams into Dan's or Dan’s slams into them, he isn’t really sure. But when he looks up, it doesn't matter who did it. It only matters who is standing in front of Dan right now.

“Hey…Dan.” Chris smiles at him, holding his shoulder but smiling. Dan doesn’t understand this, why is Chris here? Outside of his apartment building. 

“Oh, hey Chris,” Dan feels so awkward right now, “Sorry, are you okay?”

Dan looks at his shoulder Chris is clutching, maybe he was the one who ran into him, as Dan was power walking his way to get inside. He’s literally had tears brewing in his eyes, this is not a good time to run into Phil's roommate. 

“Oh yeah, I’m alright. In a hurry?”

Dan doesn’t want to make small talk, he wants to leave, go home. 

“Yeah, left my oven on,” the lie slips out of his mouth so fast he can’t stop it. It’s a stupid white lie, but either way Dan doesn't like it. He’s trying to do better with that. 

“Shit. Well, I’ll see ya,” Chris gives Dan a small wave and Dan waves back, but before he can’t actually walk away words tumble out of Dan’s mouth before he can’t stop them. 

“Is Phil okay?”

Chris stops. He spins back around on his heels and gives Dan a smile. Dan doesn’t like it, it looks evil, like Chris knows something he shouldn’t. Dan's stomach drops and he regrets letting his big mouth have control.

“I…uh, haven’t heard from him recently,” Dan speaks again even though he knows he shouldn’t. 

“He got a cold last weekend, but he’s fine. Why?” Chris responds as he takes a step closer to Dan. Chills shoot down his spine, Chris gives him wide eyes, eyes that are looking straight into Dan’s soul. 

“Just wondering,” Dan says as he scratches the back of his neck. He avoids eye contact and there is a moment of silence between them. Dan is sure Chris can hear how fast his heart is pounding.

“I’ll let him know I saw you,” Chris breaks through the silence and gives Dan a small nod. Dan nods back and smiles the best he can. 

Chris starts to walk away again. This time Dan’s makes a break for it, running to his building as fast he fucking can. 

A million thoughts run through Dan’s head as he charges up the stairs to his apartment. Phil getting a cold could explain why he hasn’t spoken to Dan this week, yet it doesn’t explain why he didn’t the week before. Dan knows he’s over thinking this, PJ asked Phil to come out that night on account of Dan not being okay and Phil showed up, for Dan. Phil showed up and had a great time with Dan and their friends. It’s stupid for Dan to even think that Phil hated him.

But that doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because Dan’s panic attack has officially made its presence. 

Dan can’t help himself when he gets into his apartment. He can’t control his mind and his body as he stumbles into the bedroom and strips from his coat and shoes. To make it easier on himself he takes the rest of his clothes off too.  

Because he knows what he’s going to do, and nothing is going to stop him this time. Nothing. 

Dan is not Dan right now, he doesn’t know who has taken over his brain but it’s a different part of him. A bad part of him. He can feel the weight on his chest and on his head, that he is not all there. That the dark part of him has taken the controls and he is heading towards the bathroom. 

Dan starts the shower, he makes it hot. So hot that steam is pouring out from behind the curtain, like the bathroom is filled with smoke. 

Dan heads for under the sink, where he knows his blades are ready for him. He grabs a fresh one, takes it out of the protective paper sleeve and holds it in the palm of his hand. The silver gleams at him. It’s all over now, holding the metal in his hand makes this all real. And he’s never felt so ready to do this, to finally end the terror that haunts his head, to finally get some fucking relief. 

Dan gets into the shower. The hot water hurts his back, burning his skin, but it feels good. It makes his head rush with endorphins and part of his panic slightly fades. Like the clouds have lifted. Dan doesn’t realize he’s crying as his tears blend in with the water that rains down on his head and rolls off his cheeks. It’s only when his eyes start to sting and the sobs start building in his chest that he feels it. Dan holds the silver metal between his fingers. He’s ready. 

The blade is now wet in his hand as it hovers over his scarred thighs. His fingers shake as he moves it closer, so close it could touch his porcelain skin. It just hovers above it though, as he isn’t fully committing. 

It’s choking him. The darkness in his head, it’s suffocating him. 

Dan feels like his back is against a wall. With everything in his life, he can’t fix it. He can’t make his father better, he can’t cure the addiction, the disease, the torment in his father's brain. He can’t fix his mother, who only knows love as abuse. And Dan can’t fix himself. So it hits him. Why the fuck is he standing here with a blade to his skin thinking that would do anything?

“Fuck, fuck,” the words bubble out of Dan’s mouth along with a soft sob. 

He doesn't want to do this, he really doesn’t. It all feels stupid now. Dan watches the blade slip from his finger tips. It hits the floor of the shower with a soft ping. 

The sobs come quickly, and Dan can’t help it. He sinks down to his knees and lets himself cry. He lets all of his emotions out. All of them. 

Pain from his mother, pain from his father. 

Sadness from himself, from not being able to handle anything. 

Regret from shutting out his friends, from worrying them. 

And the self hatred gets worse when Phil pops into his mind. 

Phil would never want him, not as anything but a friend if that. Dan hates that he got his hopes up. He thought maybe, just maybe, Phil could be what he needed. Phil could save him. 

Dan knows now that no one can save him, not even himself. 

After he cries for what feels like a century, Dan stands up. He turns the water ice cold and lets the frigid liquid shock his system. It calms him down, makes his breathing come back to normal and tears stop. Dan throws the razor blade into the trash when he gets out of the shower. 

His head is in a fog. He moves slowly trying to remember how to be a human again, how to act normal. 

He does his best by drying off and getting into pajamas. He falls into his bed and forces the tears to stay down. He forces all of it to stay down because Dan realizes that letting it bubble up does nothing good for him. Suppressing it doesn’t help either. He has to find a middle ground, he has to find a way to regulate all these emotions. 

Dan vows to not skip therapy again. Talking this out with Ruby seems like the best solution.

He shoots Charlotte an apology text and then Dan tries to go to sleep, but his phone goes off. Thinking it’s Charlotte, Dan picks up his phone to look. But it’s not Charlotte. And his cheeks get hot when he reads the name on his phone screen. He didn’t expect it, but maybe he should have. 

Dan opens the text. He can’t help but smile. 

Phil : thanks for body slamming chris, he was getting on my nerves recently

Dan : no problem. i’d body slam anyone for you. hope you're doing good btw 

Phil : I am. Better now. Do you want to come over tomorrow? I’m beating you at Mario kart this time.

Dan : ha. good luck !! you’ll need it!!

Phil : Oh we’ll see about that >:) 

Dan puts his phone down. He can’t help but let the butterflies in his stomach take over. His anxieties are slowly melting away. Phil does something to him that no one else does. Dan thinks it’s probably the stupid crush he’s developed having something to do with it. That or Phil has some kind of magic powers. 

Either way, Dan needs it. He needs Phil. 

ᯓ★

Chapter Text

A coping mechanism Dan has developed following a relapse or in this case, a potential relapse,  is overcontrol or extreme control. Ruby thinks it’s only okay in certain circumstances to let Dan use this method of coping and she makes Dan promise to follow her guidelines as Dan tries to get back to feeling at least a little normal. It’s typical for him to do this, using excessive amounts of control and routine to make him feel alive again, like he has a purpose in his life. When you finally make it out of that deep, dark hole that takes away every decision from you, all you want is to be able to control everything again and not feel like you are spiraling. Ruby calls it obsessive and compulsive, but Dan calls it hope. 

Work stays the same for him. But Dan makes himself miserable when he comes home every day. Dan keeps himself on a strict schedule, every hour has been tracked and filled with something, it’s written down in his planner so he has no time to think about anything else. He cleans, he reorganizes, he plans calls with his friends, lunch dates on the weekends, even his bathroom breaks are written into his schedule. He does not want to give himself any time at all to think. 

So Dan leaves work on a cold Wednesday evening. He’s got ‘Visit new record shop’ written on his planner as his next step after work today. 

The new music store opened a few weeks ago, Sophie told Dan about it last week and he’s been meaning to go check it out. Normally he wouldn’t go alone, he really debated on asking if one of his friends would go with him but Dan figured it would be easier to go alone. PJ would be rushing him the whole time to leave, and Charlotte wouldn’t be able to leave without buying everything in the store. He doesn’t know if Phil would like it, he assumes he would, but Dan was trying to keep some space between them right now. But fuck, it’s hard. 

He thinks of Phil as he walks down the pavement. He still has been hanging out with Phil, just not as much as Dan would like to. If he lets himself have too much of a good thing, it will make him sick, not just physically, but mentally. Phil is that good thing. So sticking with his schedule, he schedules time for them to hang out only every other week, and only sometimes more if all of their friends are getting together. Really it’s Dan's way of protection, if he can’t get too close to Phil, he won’t fall as hard. 

Dan spots the record store, ‘Rex’s Vinyl’ was in big red letters across the front of the small building. Posters hung in the windows and even vinyl records dripped down from the ceiling, hanging by clear string so it looked like they were floating. The open sign flickers by the front door. 

Dan opens the door, bell jingles above his head as he enters the store. He is greeted by warmth. 

He’s forgotten how badly he loved music stores. The smell alone takes him to an instant paradise in his head. The musky smell of incense and old books fills his nose. Dan looks around. A few people are here, flipping through the crates and crates of records. His eyes look over the rows of them. There's vinyl, CD’s, cassette tapes, and more. Dan likes the industrial looking lighting hanging overhead, giving off an amber glow. He likes the art on the walls, especially the giant portrait of Jimi Hendrix, the posters of local music shows that cover a cork board in the back. He likes the soft tune of Deftones’s playing in the background. 

This is Dan’s heaven.  

“Need help finding anything?” a soft voice comes from his right. Dan looks over to see a girl who’s probably a few years younger than him. She has flaming red hair, and wears a hot pink sweater that way too big for her. 

“No, just looking,” he gives her a small smile. The girl nods and gets back to sort the CD’s she has laid out all over the counter she stands behind. 

Dan takes a few more steps into the record store. He sucks in a big breath. He’s fucking giddy about being here, about sifting through the mounts of music. He heads straight for the alternative section, as it normally holds his favorites. He starts at the beginning and slowly starts moving through the vinyl letting his fingers run over each one. 

This is curing me, Dan thinks to himself. The smell, the soft music playing in the background, looking at hundreds of different music, it makes him feel happy, at home. 

Music has always been his happy place. When he needed to shut out all the screaming and terror that consumed his household, Dan would put his headphones on and drown himself in music. He taught himself how to play the piano just so he could play his favorite songs and hear his most treasured melodies come from his own fingertips. So, when Sophie brought up the new record shop, Dan knew he had to go. He was giving myself maybe an hour here before heading back home to do his chores and finish his night like how he had been recently. But right now he was letting himself drift, his head was clouded with lust for music instead of constantly thinking about how to end his miserable life. 

Dan pulls out a Muse record from one of the crates and holds it to his chest. ‘Origin of Symmetry’. It’s one of his favorite albums and he can’t believe he found it. He has all of their other albums on vinyl, for some reason never got around to buying this one yet. He could have totally ordered it online, but finding it in a shop like this made it more magical, like uncovering a rare gem. The price was a bit much, but Dan decides he can give himself this as a treat, a present for doing better in his recovery. He can’t help but smile as he looks over the cover. His fingers run across the protective plastic that covers the vinyl. He has to buy this right now, he’s too excited to look at anything else. 

He turns around to go make his purchase, but he is stopped. Dan almost can’t believe his eyes when he recognizes the person who was standing behind him. 

“What?” his head spins as he gawks at the man that is less than a meter away from him. 

But Phil just smiles at Dan. There goes Dan’s knees.  

“I saw you as soon as I walked in, sorry didn’t mean to scare you,” Phil's smirk on his lips is enough to make Dan’s whole body go limp, "I was just about to say hi.” Phil chuckles at Dan’s shocked face. 

Dan still isn't used to Phil’s new hair, the blonde makes him look younger, more attractive than what Dan first thought of him. It’s not fair. It’s so not fair that Phil looks like this and Dan looks like he does. He’s in his work uniform, his hair is a mess probably, and he’s blushing just from Phil being here. 

He’s fucked.  

“It’s okay,” Dan tries to smile back and shake off all of these feelings, “What are you doing here?”

“Same as you I guess,” Phil rocks on his heels, “Looking for new vinyl, Sophie told me about this place so I thought I’d come check it out.”

Dan frowns. Why does it seem like too much of a coincidence that they both heard about this place from Sophie? 

“Hm,” Dan looks Phil in the eyes, “Funny, she told me about this place too.”

Phil’s smirk getting bigger, turning more into a full smile, "Really?"

Dan nods.

“She knew we both would come here to fight over Muse vinyl probably?” Phil questions, his eyes trailing down to the record Dan’s still has clutched to his chest. 

Dan’s eyebrows furrow, “Fight?”

“Yes, is that the last one?”

Dan looks behind him to where he pulled the record from, there is no other Origin of Symmetry albums left. Dan is holding the only one. 

“This is it,” Dan turns back around, “You like Muse?”

Phil nods, “Yeah, a lot. Hence why I said we are going to be fighting over it.”

Dan laughs, “You can try, but there’s no way I’m letting you get your hands on this.”

Playfully, Dan steps away from Phil, holding the record tighter against him. Phil’s face lights up. 

“Be careful, Howell," Phil is teasing him as he walks closer, “You don’t know how good my fighting skills are.”

“If they are anything like your Mario kart skills, this will be easy.” Dan continues walking away from Phil, and Phil keeps following. 

“Dan!” Phil yells with a laugh but his tone indicates that he’s offended. Dan just laughs back. 

“I’ll let you get it if you give me something,” Phil says. Dan stops walking, so does Phil. Like they are in a stand off. 

Dan narrows his eyes at the man in front of him. He can’t help but feel butterflies swarming into his stomach, his head feeling dizzy as Phil continues to give him this look of pure innocence. For just a moment Dan doesn’t have crippling depression and anxiety, he feels free. 

“What do you want?” Dan asks Phil. He watches the blonde man take a step closer. Dan can almost smell him, something vanilla bleeds from Phil's skin and it makes Dan's mouth water. 

“You let me come over so I can listen to it.” Phil crosses his arms over his chest as he says his demands. 

You don’t have to ask, Dan thinks in his head. Phil could come over every day and Dan would welcome it. So much for trying to give Phil space, Dan loses all control when this man is in his presence. 

“I guess that’s fine,” Dan rolls his eyes, he turns his head trying to hide his smile. Once again…he’s so fucked. 

Phil pumps his fist in the air in triumph, “Yes!”

So Dan walks up to the counter with Phil following behind him. He pays for the vinyl and then they both leave the store but Phil is still following Dan. 

“You meant listening to it now?” Dan asks as they are heading in the same direction and Dan is unsure what the plan is. 

“Yes, Dan, please,” Phil begs a bit dramatically, “I need to hear Plug in Baby on a record player right now or I will pass away.”

As much as Dan knows he is going to fold and let this happen anyways, his schedule pops into his head. It’s not on there that he has to however long it will take listening to this record with Phil. And if he gets off schedule he doesn’t know what will happen. 

“Fine,” Dan says through slightly clenched teeth. He’ll have to figure it out, work Phil into this somehow. He can push something to tomorrow. 

He will for Phil. 

-

The song Bliss plays beautifully through the speakers that sit on Dan’s bookshelf in the lounge. Phil is laying on the floor next to Dan, as the music absorbs them. This album was crucial to Dan’s surviving his youth. He doesn’t think he has to explain that to Phil because it seems like Phil is the same way. Dan watches him quietly humming along to the melody, the lyrics slipping out of his pink lips in a soft but deep, soft tone. Dan likes it. 

The song slowly fades into the next one, Space Dementia. Dan is in love with the feeling he’s getting from this. Even though there is a part of him that hates it. It’s screaming at him to stay on his schedule, but Dan shoves it away. Phil is his exception to every rule he forces himself to follow. 

“I swear this shit heals me,” Phil says to Dan. Words he didn’t expect to come out of Phil Lester's mouth shake his mind awake. 

“Same," Dan speaks softly back to Phil.

The silence that would normally be between them is filled with music, the powerful strum of guitar chords mixed with drums bashing and Matt Bellamy’s vocals pulse in Dan’s ears. He’s falling for Phil right now. He can admit it in his head, but he refuses to really come to terms with it out loud. It’s only been a month and half since he met Phil Lester, how he is so fucking whipped already? He had told himself he wasn’t supposed to do this yet here he is, falling in love. Maybe it's love, or maybe it's still just a simple, stupid, little crush.    

Either way, it has Dan feeling foolish. 

“So do you think this was Sophie’s master plan?” Phil speaks again. 

“What? Us laying on the floor listening to Muse?”

“Yeah...”

Dan twists his lips, “Probably. It doesn't surprise me.” He can see Phil smile at him. 

Phil chuckles, “She tried to set me up with Imogen and now you.”

The sentence makes Dan’s body go cold so quickly he has no time to prepare. He’s so still, frozen, and he might be stuck here on the floor forever after what Phil just said. Obviously he’s joking, but…fuck. 

“Ha, yeah,” Dan finally pushes out from his lips to try and not make it so obvious that he is panicked from that comment. 

“Imogen was way too forward for me…even if I was into girls,” Phil replies so casually, like he didn’t just insinuate anything about him and Dan dating. 

Dan, still frozen, tries to nod, even though he doesn’t know if Phil can see the acknowledgement. 

Phil keeps talking though, “I know you saw it, when she put her hand on mine.”

Dan feels his stomach drop. 

“But you really should have seen my face, I was so confused, it felt…icky,” Phil laughs again and Dan lets out a fake laugh in response. He remembers how stressed he was to see Phil holding hands with a girl, he was actually doubting Phil’s sexuality. Now it seems silly. 

“Yeah, not gonna lie, I was shocked you let her,” Dan says back, finally getting his voice back. He shifts uncomfortably on the floor. 

“Literally I jumped up so soon after you guys went into the kitchen, claiming I needed to help you guys carry the drinks just to get away from her,” Phil finishes the story. And Dan feels a little bit more calm as he’s now getting some closure on that stressful night. 

Dan giggles, for real this time. 

The music that was background noise fills Dan's ears again. He listens intensely, the end of the song playing. He lets himself soak in it. All the control and stress that Dan holds in his mind has vanished. 

“When did you get into Muse?” Phil asks him. Butterflies swarm in Dan’s stomach. 

“A long time ago, I can’t even remember anymore,” Dan says honestly. His horrific childhood is such a blur to him. All he knows is that this music saved him somehow, it kept him going. He couldn’t pin point exactly when, because it was probably a time so traumatic his brain blocked out the memories. 

“I should have guessed you liked them, you seem to like all my favorite things,” Phil sighs and sits up from the floor, he stretches his arms and yawns. Dan watches in awe of the beautiful man. 

“Yeah?” His stomach twists, the butterflies have transformed into giant bats. 

“Yeah,” Phil turns to him. He smiles at him in a way Dan doesn’t think he’s seen before on Phil. So he sits up too. And now Dan feels closer than ever to him. They are just sitting across from each other, it’s fucking harmless. 

Yet it’s not. Yet they are practically centimeters away from each other, so close Dan thinks he could just lean in and kiss Phil—

Oh god, no.

Dan leans backwards. He cannot be thinking that. He's going to ruin everything if he lets his impulse thoughts win. He has got to get himself back on track. 

So Dan stands up, Phil’s eyes follow, “I’m uh…going to do some chores really quick. You enjoy the music,” he says to the blonde man still sitting on the floor. 

Dan doesn’t give Phil time to respond to him, he hurries away to start a load of laundry. He leaves Phil in his living room and listens to the rest of the album. 

Dan avoids. 

It’s what he does best. And Plug in Baby plays in the background.

-

PJ is watching Dan carefully as he is reorganizing his vinyl. Dan didn’t invite him over, PJ just kind of showed up. But it is Friday night and normally they go out or do something so Dan did already write ‘Time with friends’ in his planner preemptively. 

But Dan doesn’t like how PJ’s eyes are burning into the back of Dan's head as he sits on the floor sifting through the records. 

“Do you want to help?” Dan asks him, letting his tone sound harsh and annoyed that PJ has just been sitting there watching. 

“Nah, I think you got it,” PJ replies. Dan shoots a quick glance over his shoulder, PJ smiles smugly at him. 

Dan turns back to the vinyl. He told PJ when he randomly showed up that he had to do this before they did anything. It was on his schedule to reorganize his vinyl. At this point he’s been reorganizing everything in his house just to find things to fill his time with. 

“Why are you so worried about organizing them anyways?” PJ speaks up again and it makes Dan's blood turn hot. 

“I need to, it’s on the list,” he says. He’s already explained this to PJ, he just doesn’t get it. 

“I know you're obsessed with your list right now, but didn’t Ruby tell you not to take it too far?” 

Dan sighs. 

“I’m not,” he clenched his teeth. 

“Dan.”

“What?” Dan turns around swiftly, shooting daggers at PJ who is leaning back on his sofa, arms crossed over his chest. 

“You are.”

“No, I’m just doing what I need to do to get back on track.”

PJ is the only one who knows about his attempted relapse. Not even Charlotte or Sophie knows about it, but things have been weird for him and Charlotte since Dan had left her house abruptly that one night. Ruby said it would be good for him to talk about it with his friends about his struggles and PJ was the only person Dan felt like he could bring it up to. As much as Dan hates when PJ tries to act like he’s right, he normally is. And Dan needs that, he needs someone to put their foot down on his bullshit, but don’t suffocate him. Like right now. 

“I understand, but you’re not following Ruby’s rules. She said you need to give yourself a break, wiggle room. Don’t be so hard on yourself to follow the schedule so strictly.” PJ words make sense, but Dan doesn’t want to acknowledge that. 

“If I don't I’ll…”

Die. Fail. Mess up. Relapse. 

Anything could happen, and Dan can’t handle that. 

“I know,” PJ stands up and walks over to Dan who is still kneeling on the floor. Multiple different vinyl is scattered all around him in various piles, “But you have to give yourself a break. I swear that you will be okay.”

Dan sucks in a deep breath. He should believe PJ, he really should. He wants to, but his head is having a hard time listening to his heart. 

“Dan,” PJ says when Dan gives him no response, “I promise you that if you don’t follow your planner, you will be okay. Cross my heart.”

Dan watches his friend draw an X over his chest with his finger. The corners of Dan’s mouth move up just a little bit. 

“I will try,” he finally nods at PJ.  

“Good. So let's finish this later. Okay?” PJ smiles. 

It sounds like a death wish to Dan, like he can’t possibly leave this mess. But PJ is someone he can trust so he nods and stands up. What choice does he have? PJ would probably drag him screaming from his flat if Dan continues to refuse. 

“Let's go get a drink. We can invite Phil if you want, boy’s night out.” PJ smiles as they both are heading for Dan’s front door. 

“Sure,” Dan says. He’d love to see Phil. 

“I’m glad you like him, too bad he’s not gay or I’d try and set you guys up.” PJ chuckles while he grabs his coat. 

Dan stops walking. His body freezes.  

PJ slips his arm into his coat and turns back to see Dan standing there, his mouth slightly hung open in shock. 

“What?” PJ asks with a confused look, he stares back at Dan. 

Dan almost says something. Maybe not that ‘Yes Phil is gay, he just hasn’t told you yet’, but more of ‘How do you know he’s not completely straight?’. But he can’t. 

“Nothing,” Dan shakes himself out of the weird feeling PJ’s words just gave him. Dan grabs his coat and they leave his flat. 

PJ must have texted Phil to meet them at this bar because Phil is already there waiting for them when they arrive. He looks good. Hair still bright white, he dressed in a green sweatshirt and black jeans. Dan has to pretend so hard that he’s not melting just from the way Phil looks right now. It’s fucking killing him. 

They get a table and order a round of drinks. Their conversations start with Phil and PJ’s work and how the animated movie they’ve been working on is going. It travels to the new video games that have been released recently and then to the new TV shows and films they want to watch. 

Dan has a good time, even if he can’t stop thinking about the stupid vinyl collection he has yet to finish organizing. He tries to just keep focusing on Phil’s face, his lips and crystal blue eyes as they talk with PJ. 

That is until PJ changes the subject and fucks everything up, “So Phil, what happened with Imogen? She said you ghosted her.”

Dan can see the terror form on Phil's face. His palms are sweating in his lap as Dan watches Phil try and navigate this conversation. 

“Uh,” Phil clears his throat, “Yeah, sorry she just isn’t my type.”

Dan stays quiet and studies PJ's face as he hears Phil’s response. 

PJ raises an eyebrow, “Really?”

Phil nods and takes a big swig of his drink. 

“So, what is your type then?” 

“Uhh…um…” Phil stares back at PJ blankly. His eyes flash to Dan for just a moment. In that moment, Dan tries to smile, he tries to give Phil any type of support he can with PJ shoving uncomfortable questions down Phil's throat. But PJ catches Dan’s look and turns it into something else. 

“Is Dan your type?” PJ asks with a laugh. 

“Huh?” Phil’s jaw drops. 

“What?!” Dan almost falls off his chair. 

“I’m joking around,” PJ smiles, but Dan can see something in PJ’s eyes that insinuates something different.

“I need to piss,” Phil says quickly and hops down from his chair. 

PJ nods. Dan watches Phil leave with a sick feeling in his stomach. 

Of course I’m not his type, Dan thinks to himself, Phil would never want anything to do with me. 

PJ interrupts Dan's negative thoughts, bursting his bubble even more. 

“You like him don’t you.” PJ smiles evilly at Dan as Dan is going in for a sip of his cocktail. He’s about to chug the whole thing knowing that Phil really wouldn’t share the same feeling Dan has for him. 

Dan chokes on his drink, “What?”  

“You really fucking like him,” PJ smirks, “How did I not see this before?!”

“No…I-I uh, don’t know what you’re talking–”

“Don’t play dumb, Dan,” PJ can’t stop grinning, “You like him,” PJ says again. 

Dan could puke, blow chunks everywhere right now. This is not what he wants, not until Phil is ready to come out to everyone, not until he gets to know Phil more and he can actually decide if he really has a chance with him. Dan can’t let anyone know about these feelings, he can’t jinx himself. He already doesn’t think he has a chance with Phil and this is making it all worse.

“No, PJ.” Dan grits his teeth as he lies right through them. And this time he doesn’t care, he has to lie. 

“Really?” PJ rolls his eyes, “I see the way you look at him, and how you laugh so hard at his jokes. I’ve known you for too long to not know what you look like when you are falling for someone.”

Dan rolls his eyes back at him, “You don’t know shit. I don’t like Phil like that.”

“You do, but he’s not even gay so what are you even doing?”

“You don’t know that,” Dan shoots back. He shouldn’t have said anything, but he has to. PJ is calling him out, thinking he’s in love with a straight man when he’s not. 

PJ looks taken aback at Dan’s response, he blinks rapidly and cocks his head to the side, “What do you know that I don’t?”

Fuck. He really shouldn’t have said anything. 

Dan looks away. He can’t breath, his chest is getting tight and his stomach is literally twisting into a knot. 

“PJ, I don’t know…anything,” Dan gasps for air, he can barely breathe anymore. He has to control this. PJ can’t know he’s freaking out right now or he will know Dan is lying. 

“Is there something going on between you guys—“

“PJ!” Dan almost screams. He can’t do this, fuck, he can’t breathe! 

“Come on—”

“I’ll be back,” Dan interrupts him. He can’t take this anymore.

Dan jumps out of his chair and races towards the restrooms. The panic is building faster, and he’s about to fucking explode. But Dan isn’t thinking when he opens the door to the men’s restroom and Phil collides into his chest. 

“Oof! Dan?” 

“Shit, sorry,” Dan can’t hide this. He’s filled with so much anxiety is unbelievable. And Phil can see it, it’s written all over his face. 

“Dan? Are you okay? What's wrong?” Phil won’t let him leave, his hand wraps around Dan's wrist as he tries to move past Phil to get to the sink. He needs cold water, he needs something. 

“No, I-I…”

“What happened? Is it what PJ was saying?" Phil is just questioning him, just trying to understand what is going on, but Dan can’t take this. He rips his arms away from Phil and bolts for the sink. 

Dan turns on the cold water and splashes a handful on his face. He does this three more times before he feels better, before his breathing starts to return to normal. 

Phil waits and watches him do this. Dan feels him standing there like a lingering ghost. As much as Dan hates this, he hates that Phil is seeing him like this, he’s glad Phil isn’t running away screaming, or laughing at him. Not that he thought Phil would, but he never knows what to expect from people anymore. He thought his mom would stand up to his dad, he thought his dad would get better at some point. Dan thought he’d die before he was eighteen. Sometimes things work out differently. 

So once he’s calm enough, he dries his face and turns to Phil. 

“Fuck, I’m sorry,” Dan’s words come out all weird sounding, like he’s lost his voice. 

“Don’t apologize. Are you alright?” Phil asks. Dan nods. 

“Yeah, I just felt a little…panicked.”

“Did something happen while I was gone?” Phil asks him. Dan doesn’t know how to answer this. 

“No, I just…” 

He wants to scream, he doesn't want to explain this to Phil or tell him truthfully what just happened between him and PJ. 

“I just get anxiety sometimes,” is the most truthful thing he can say. 

Phil nods, “I understand, I get like that too.”

“Yeah?” Dan feels exhausted as he just tries to feel normal. He tries to remind himself that Phil is here with him, he’s safe and grounded. He tries so hard. 

Phil nods, biting his lip, “Oh yeah. It’s probably why I don’t talk to people for weeks sometimes, I just can’t even bother to leave the house when it gets bad. So I get it, Dan.”

“Sorry about PJ, he’s such a nosy bitch,” Dan says hoping that will make up for what just happened out there. 

Phil just smiles, “Oh, yeah don’t worry about that. I’m fine.” 

Dan can see his heart beat start to slow, he starts to feel like someone understands him for once in his life who is not his therapist or his best friends. It feels like a weight has been lifted off Dan’s chest, one that he put there to hide all of this from Phil. But Phil doesn’t care about it, in fact Phil has a weight on his chest too. 

Dan doesn’t get a chance to respond to Phil before the door opens and some random guy walks in. Dan and Phil both freeze but they make eye contact that both says they need to get out of here. 

So they both exit the restroom and walk back to the table with PJ like nothing happened. PJ looks at both of them weirdly as they sit down. And Dan shoot him a look that he hopes PJ reads as, ‘Keep your fucking mouth shut’. 

PJ must get it, because he doesn’t say a word to them about what just happened. And they go back to chatting about their nerdy interests like before. Something feels different in Dan after that. It’s like his heart's been opened, he feels exposed and raw in the best way possible. Phil can see him now, maybe not all of him, but it’s at least enough for Dan to feel like Phil’s more than just a simple friend. It’s always been more than that, Dan is just now seeing it. 

The night ends and all three of the boys go their separate ways home. But as Dan is walking away PJ catches his shoulder. 

“Dan,” he breathes out in what sounds like a whisper. 

Dan spins around. His friend stood in front of him almost looking defeated. 

“I didn’t mean to freaked you out, I’m sorry,” PJ sounds genuine, Dan can see it in his eyes. He knows PJ would never purposely hurt him. 

“It’s okay,” Dan says back with a shrug, "Don't worry about me.”

For a moment PJ looks like he’s going to say something else. His hand is still on Dan's shoulder, still holding him in place. His mouth opens but he catches himself and stops. It makes Dan's forehead wrinkle and he waits to see if PJ will speak again, but he doesn’t. 

He lets go of Dan, “Have a good night, get home safe.” is all PJ says before walking away, leaving Dan alone in the street. 

Dan doesn’t like this feeling in the pit of his stomach. He doesn’t like how even when he tries so hard to control a situation, it never turns out how he wants it to be. Dan has to take some of PJ’s advice. At least about letting go, taking a step back  and realizing that not everything has to be planned out. 

It’s okay to be a mess. 

So Dan walks into his flat and sees the mess of vinyl that never got resolved haunting his lounge. He stares at it, still in his boots and coat. His urge to fix and clean it up lives on inside his mind. But something else does too, his will to control himself. Overcontrol isn’t going to fix him, it’s not going to make him all better. He can use it to forget about his dark desires, but they won’t make it go away completely. 

So Dan leaves it. 

He goes into his bedroom and starts getting ready for bed. But before he goes to lay down Dan looks at his phone. A text message from a few minutes ago is plastered on his lock screen. A text from Phil. Dan clicks on it and reads the message. 

His heart speeds up. And one thing Dan will never be able to control is the smile that forms on his lips. 

Phil : I'm going to come out to PJ

The pressure in Dan’s chest is building. It’s filling up with nerves that he doesn’t know what to do with, he doesn't know what boxes to sort these feelings in. Dan has to talk to someone about it. He has to. And right now he can only think of one person he has to call. 

His finger moves across his phone screen until he finally hears ringing in his ears. 

Then it stops. 

“Dan?”

“Hey Charlotte. I need to tell you something.”

ᯓ★

Chapter Text

Dan sits down at his piano for the first time in months. 

One of his major investments was this beautiful piano that cost him almost two pay checks worth. Also he had to hire at least three guys to help bring it into his apartment. At the time, it was all Dan wanted, to just play his piano, to feel the keys flowing underneath the pad of his fingers. The sounds of the notes blend into a perfect melody. It felt like freedom. It cured him on his bad days, gave him something to look forward to. He taught himself almost everything he could, and practiced constantly. He loved learning his favorite songs, singing over his music even though he thought he sucked at singing. 

Dan loved this piano more than life sometimes.

But it was now covered in a thick layer of dust sitting in the corner of the lounge, untouched since maybe last October. Dan isn’t sure when the last time he had sat here was, he normally wouldn’t go this long without playing. Everything had just gotten so…heavy recently. It’s the only way to describe the feeling. 

Dan runs a finger over the black and ivory keys, not pushing hard enough to make a sound just yet. He just feels them. Dan doesn’t understand why this is so hard right now, why can’t he play, why can’t he do things that make him happy. Is he afraid they won’t make him happy anymore? 

Dan thinks back to his darkest moments in his life and how a lot of time he found himself here, sitting at his piano. He thinks back to writing his own music, writing songs that literally saved him. He puts his hand on the keys, all of them, his finger tips lightly pressed on them. Dan takes a deep breath. Dan is done being afraid. Talking with Charlotte has helped him get out of his head, for once he was seeing things clearly. Well…at least a little bit clearer. Him getting so close to relapsing made him realize how bad his depression had gotten. He knew he wasn’t well, but fuck, he didn’t think he was that bad. Not until the razor blade was in his hand. 

Charlotte isn’t a therapist, but his next appointment with Ruby wasn’t until the next week so she did the best she could by recommending Dan try and do things that make him happy, or at least things that used to. 

So that's why Dan finally decides to wipe the dust off his piano. He’s ready to get his shit together. If he wants any type of relationship with Phil, he needs to be better. He has to be.

So after a few moments of letting his finger hover over the keys, he lets his fingers fly. 

He can’t remember the name of the song he’s playing, just knowing it’s one he knows well. Music fills his ears. He messes up twice but recovers well, so it doesn’t matter, not like anyone is listening anyways. Dan's heart is beating faster as his fingers flow over the keys. He can almost feel the music in his soul, like it’s changing him, healing him. 

He doesn’t know if it’s joy he’s feeling or just relief, like an itch he hasn’t been able to scratch in months. He’s finally feeling like Dan again. 

At one point Dan closes his eyes, he doesn’t need to see, he can just play letting his hands guide him, because they know. They know where to move, it’s muscle memory. The music from the piano is slowly melting away his icy heart, it’s eating at the coldness he has surrounded himself with these past few months. 

All until a pounding at his door scares the shit out of him. Dan stops playing abruptly as the knocking continues. 

Fuck, it’s the neighbors, Dan thinks. He was playing too loud, too intensely. They are probably pissed. 

He doesn’t want to answer the door and face that, but has to. 

But it’s not one of Dan’s neighbors who stands outside his door. It throws him off when he opens his front door, seeing the man who makes his head spin. Dan stares at him, mouth agape. 

“I told him!” Phil exclaims as he pushes past Dan and barges into the flat.

“Phil, what the—”

“Was that you playing?” Phil stands in the lounge, he stares at the piano that's tucked away in the corner, you wouldn’t notice it unless someone said something, or unless you heard it like Phil must have. 

Dan just nods, still shocked and confused as to why Phil is randomly in his apartment. Phil looks frazzled, his cheeks pink, and his hair a mess, but also so effortlessly perfect to Dan. His more rugged appearance is enough for Dan to have to look at Phil’s shoes before making eye contact again. Again, Dan wonders why Phil is so fucking attractive. 

“You are really good,” Phil gives him a cheeky smile. The butterflies have made their way to his stomach, making Dan feel sick and nervous.  

“Thanks. Uh, Phil?” He’s about to ask why he’s here, what the fuck is going on?

“Yeah? Oh! Sorry, I told PJ.” Phil grins.  

Dan grins back, “Really? that's awesome!” 

Dan had been waiting for this day. Because then maybe it would give him the confidence to do something about his massive crush on Phil. He isn't quite ready to fully admit it, he couldn’t even tell PJ. But maybe this would help, now that all their friends would know about Phil. 

“I don’t know why I was so nervous about it, he was so cool with it. But I totally made him feel bad about trying to get me to hook up with Imogen,” Phil stuffs his hands in his coat he's still wearing. Dan notices that, he notices that Phil still has his coat on and he wonders if he’s planning on leaving so soon after arriving. 

Dan goes to say something back but feels his phone vibrating in his pocket. He pulls it out to see PJ is calling him. Dan sends the call to voicemail. He gets a feeling PJ is calling to try and convince Dan to make a move on Phil now that Phil has officially come out, Dan is not prepared for that yet. His phone then starts buzzing again, Charlotte's name now on the screen. Dan forwards the call to voicemail as well. He still can’t believe he finally told Charlotte about all of this. Dan was just happy to finally get these feelings off his chest. And that he and Charlotte could talk again without feeling weird. But to tell PJ the truth, he just isn’t there yet. 

“Who was that?” Phil asks him, he stares at Dan's phone in his hand. 

“Spam call.”

“Oh.”

“Tea?” Dan asks quickly, trying to avoid the subject. Phil nods with a grin. 

“Sure!” He takes off his coat and shoes and instantly Dan feels better that Phil is staying for a bit. 

He goes to the kitchen, Phil following behind him. Dan grabs two mugs from the cabinet and fills up his kettle. His finger drum gently on the countertop, his body is still tingling with adrenaline from playing the piano for the first time in months. 

“Tell me more about what happened with PJ,” Dan says, trying to keep the conversation going as he is waiting for the water to bubble. 

He turns to Phil who stands to his left, his body lazily leaned against the counter. Dan hates how he looks like this, so casual but so stunning at the same time. It’s getting bad, Dan's feelings for Phil. He’s trying so hard to just be this man's friend, but his brain won’t stop melting over everything he does. 

And then Phil starts talking, explaining how he and PJ met for lunch and Phil tells PJ that he’s gay. Dan listens, and he loves hearing Phil’s voice in his ears. He loves how Phil talks, the little jokes he makes. He seems so much lighter, so happy. He’s fucking radiant. 

Phil runs his finger through his blonde hair, his reddish brown roots are starting to peek through. He sips his tea that Dan has finally placed in front of him. 

“I don’t know why I put it off for so long,” Phil sighs, “I knew PJ wouldn’t care.”

“It’s still scary though,” Dan shrugs as he’s just trying to justify Phil’s feelings, “Putting yourself out there like that, so vulnerable. It’s a lot.”

Phil nods, “I know, it’s been stressing me out since I started this job, but now it’s like it wasn’t even a big deal.”

“Did you tell Charlotte?” he asks Phil. 

Phil nods, “Right after I told PJ he begged me to tell Char who was like ‘Oh, I already knew’.”

Dan gives out a fake smile, even though Charlotte did already guess, he was the one who let that slip.

“Isn’t it so annoying how you put something off over and over because it scares the shit out of you but once you do it it’s not really that bad? Like it actually isn’t bad at all and then you wonder why you procrastinate for so long about it.” 

Dan’s breath hitches at the words Phil says to him, but he plays it off. He doesn’t let Phil know the words he just spoke have some sort of effect on him. 

“Tell me about it,” Dan offers Phil a smile again, trying to keep this conversation light. 

“So, tell me about your piano skills,” Phil replies back, “I could hear you from the hallway. Was that Radiohead you were playing?”

Dan nods, “Yeah, and I wouldn’t call them skills.”

Phil frowns in disbelief, “Uh, then what do you call that? I mean I swore a professional was playing.”

Dan can control the grin  on his face, but he still refuses to acknowledge he’s good at anything, “I’m not that good, Phil. I just taught myself some songs.”

“Show me.”

“Show you what?”

“The songs,” Phil rolls his eyes. 

“Right now?” Dan doesn’t like to be put on the spot, especially not so soon after he just broke his long streak of not playing. He feels rusty, shaky. He’s not ready. 

“Yes, please Dan,” Phil gives him a toothy smile. And of course Dan folds. 

“Fine, but I really am not that good. And it’s been a while since I’ve played.”

“Yeah, yeah. Excuses,” Phil follows him to the lounge and Dan goes to sit on the bench behind the piano. 

“What do you want to hear?” Dan asks as he runs his finger over the keys again. He feels more comfortable now, even though Phil watching him like a hawk doesn’t help the nerves in his stomach. 

"Whatever you can play,” Phil shrugs. He stands in front of the front watching Dan from above the piano. Dan thinks, trying to remember his favorite songs, the pieces he’s spent the most time on. He pulls one out of his head and just starts. 

His finger presses down on the black and white keys, relying on muscle memory to know what notes to play next. He is shaky at first, starts slow but then gains speed as the memory comes back to him so easily. 

Like riding a bike, Dan thinks. He smiles at himself as he plays Starlight for Phil, a Muse song of course since they seem to have bonded over their music already, why not add another song to the mix. His eyes strain and brain hurt just trying to remember the next few notes. But Dan hears Phil softly humming along to the songs and somehow, that helps. 

Phil is basically keeping him in line with the melody, hearing the soft words coming from Phil’s lip remind him of what comes next and then before he knows it, the song is over. He played it all the way through.  

Phil claps loudly, grinning like psycho. Dan can feel his cheeks burning and he knows they are bright pink.

“Beautiful,” Phil praises. Dan can almost see the hearts in Phil’s eyes, that’s how much the man looks like he’s in love with him. Dan has to remind himself that this is delusional, that Phil is just looking at him like he’s his friend. Maybe. 

“Thanks,” Dan manages to choke out, trying not to just sob from the praise. 

“Literally how are you not a professional pianist,” Phil’s arm rests on top of the piano, his chin leans against his hands and he stares at Dan. 

“I-I uh…” he can’t talk. Phil’s blue eyes are hypnotizing him. 

“I’m sure you can get an offer to play at a pub, or one of those fancy restaurants,” Phil suggests.

“Maybe, I never thought about it,” Dan finally admits. 

“It would be so cool to see you play live,” Phil says excitedly, “Can you imagine playing for a room of people and they all cheer and clap for you? And you’d get paid for it too!”

Dan’s stomach twists in a knot, “Sounds nerve racking.”

“Sure, but rewarding. You could do it as a side gig or your career, and we’d all come to watch you!” Phil is way more enthusiastic about this idea than Dan is, but Dan thinks about it. Playing in front of people might be the hardest challenge, but he could try and  make a little more money. And it would really bring back his use for his piano so it’s not collecting anymore dust. 

“Yeah…” he thinks hard about this, maybe he can actually do something with his life that he enjoys. Maybe Phil has a point, a really good one. 

“Seriously, Dan, everyone should hear you play. You sound amazing.” 

At this point Phil is just feeding his ego, pushing compliments out left and right. Dan breathes it all in, cradling each one. 

“Thank you,” he says back, slightly choking on his words and Dan swear she sees Phil’s cheek flush pink. 

“Don’t thank me, thank your skilled fingers.”

Dan stands up now, and Phil pulls his head from the top of the piano. 

“They aren’t that skilled, yanno?”

“Why can’t you accept my compliments,” Phil pushes at him. 

“Because I don't actually deserve them,” Dan says back, way more honest than he should because Phil gives him a weird look. Like he's trying to figure him out. 

“You do. You don’t think so?”

Fuck, fuck! Dan doesn’t like this. Phil is digging deeper into Dan’s head, and he knows Phil won’t like what he’s going to find. 

So Dan just walks back to the kitchen, Phil following. He grabs his mug of lukewarm tea and sips it instead of replying to Phil. He’s trying to avoid this conversation. 

 “Dan,” Phil tone gives Dan a slight warning, like how Charlotte does when he knows he’s talking fucking nonsense. 

“I don’t deserve it.” His words are harsh, like daggers at Phil’s throat. But he can’t control it, he hates being pushed around, he hates when people try to make him feel normal. He’s not normal. 

Phil stares at him, and Dan can’t make eye contact back. He’s ruining this, he knows that. Phil came over with the best news, Phil showers him with compliments and tells him he can turn his little hobby into something more. And all Dan can do back is shut it down. 

He waits for Phil to run. He will leave, maybe angry, maybe just sad for Dan. Dan waits for it, holding his breath to brace himself. He’ll lose yet another friendship over something as dumb as his insecurities. 

But Phil doesn’t run. 

“I think everyone deserves to be complimented,” Phil finally speaks after the silence eats away at them both, “Especially you.”

“Why?” Dan forces himself to speak. If Phil isn’t running, he guesses he can try to figure out what he means. 

“Dan,” Phil sighs. A sigh that tells Dan Phil isn't giving up until this boy believes something he says. 

“I understand you don’t think that you’re…worth it,” those last words hurt Dan just as much as they hurt coming out of Phil’s mouth, “But I don't really care, because I know you are.”

“How– What?” Dan's breath is taken away. 

‘...I know you are.’ It echoes in his head. 

“Dan, the moment I met you, I knew you were an amazing person. PJ agrees with me, Charlotte does too, and Sophie. Why are you the only one who can’t see how great you are?”

Dan doesn’t say anything, his jaw falls to the floor. 

“PJ told me how bad your um…mental illness gets sometimes. I understand, I’ve been struggling with similar stuff my whole life. But that stuff doesn’t define who you really are, Dan. You have to know that.”

‘...doesn’t define who you really are…’

Maybe Dan has heard the same words spoken from Charlotte’s mouth, from his therapist Ruby’s, but it hits differently coming from Phil. Dan doesn’t really know why, maybe because he’s so fucking infatuation with this man. 

“You are cool, and funny. And really good at piano and video games. You’re so creative and so good at making people feel safe and included. You are so much more than what you think.”

He’s speechless now, in awe of Phil being probably the kindest person to walk this earth. It’s killing him to not just grab him, kiss his lips. Show him some kind of appreciation. All he can do is gawk and try and mutter a thank you, but it’s not enough. 

“Phil, thank you. Fuck…I…” He wants to say more, he’s trying to say more. Anything. But he’s literally trying to push back tears right now. 

“Don’t thank me,” Phil says for the second time that evening, “Whenever you feel like beating yourself up over this stuff, I got your back.”

“You don’t have to,” Dan tries to say. But Phil interrupts him, “I want to.”

“I don’t want you to pity me though,” Dan finally says, “I may not be…healthy mentally. But I don’t want to be your charity case.” 

“Never,” Phil shakes his head back and forth. Dan can finally look up at him, and he sees how glossy Phil's eyes are, like this man is already about to cry too. 

Dan lets out a sigh of relief. And Phil smiles at him while biting his lip. He looks unbelievably hot right now; Dan hates that that's what he's thinking about. He could just crumble into Phil’s arm right now. Phil has seen him now, more of him that Dan would like but he’s still here. He’s not running away, he’s not yelling at him to get his life together, he’s not acting in any way like Dan’s parents would act. Because he's not them. He’s Phil. 

“Thanks,” Dan finally replies, it comes out like a sob. He straightens himself and swallows hard. He won’t cry and in front of Phil, no fucking way. 

“Any time,” Phil says back, “Do you think you could teach me a little bit of Starlight?"

Dan smiles to himself, glad Phil changed the conversation to something more lighthearted. 

“I can try,” he replies back and Phil beams. 

“I’ll be a good student, promise,” Phil makes his voice sound so submissive Dan feels chills shoot down his spine. 

“Fine,” Dan walks back to the piano with Phil trailing behind. He sits on the bench and moves more to the left so Phil can sit next to him. 

Have they ever been this close? Dan can’t remember, it feels like Phil is sitting on his lap when he’s not. Maybe it’s because he’s just so close he feels like he could pull him onto his lap. Dan can smell him, a sweet scent of sugar and musk. Clean and coconut. Something warm and soft. 

Phil places his hands on the keys, in the wrong position but just presses down on a few. The notes going G, A, B, C. 

“Let’s start with your hands.” Dan says as he goes to move them to where they need to be. He’ll probably only be able to show Phil the first few lines of music, as Starlight is not the best song for beginners, but Dan knows he can simplify it. 

When Dan touches Phil, his body reacts in such an unusual way. It feels like electricity shoots through his skin, but Dan ignores it and positions Phil’s hands on the right keys. Phil doesn’t need to know how nervous he is touching him. 

But Phil looks up at him. Dan matches his eyes, big and blue. Does he feel it too?

“Is this right?” Phil asks, pulling Dan out of his trance. 

“Mhmm,” Dan just nods. 

Dan places his hand on piano an octave lower so he can show Phil how to start. 

“Watch,” he says in a low voice and plays the first few notes of the song with only one hand to make it easier. Phil goes to copy him. He misses a few notes. But it makes Dan smile. 

“Shit! Show it to me again,” Phil demands and looks towards Dan's hands. 

Dan plays the first few notes again, and Phil mimics it almost perfectly. 

“Yeah,” Dan nods in approval, "That's it. Now try adding this.”

Dan plays the same notes, but adds his left hand this time, making it all come together. 

“Uh, I don't think my brain can do two things at once like that,” Phil gives Dan a weary smile. Dan just laughs. 

“You can, I’ll help,” he reassurances the blonde man sitting next to him. 

It’s literally the least Dan can do is help him play a little bit of piano. Especially after what Phil just did to him. He gave him the courage he needed to finally get his ass up, get out of this dark hole and live his life for once. Phil gave him strength. 

So, Dan helps Phil by adding both of his hands, it takes him a few tries but at some point, he gets it. And Phil squeals with joy, jumping up and almost knocking Dan off the bench. It results in Phil grabbing Dan's shoulders to catch him, pulling him back. 

But now they both know they are too close, with Phil’s hands gripping Dan’s arms and Dan holding on to Phil’s. Phil goes still, his lips in a line as his eyes look so deeply into Dan’s. Dan doesn't know what to do, his throat goes dry so he can’t speak, he can’t say anything. They don't break eye contact. They are both so still, holding onto each other for dear life. Dan could kiss him, if he just moved a little closer maybe Phil would kiss him first, maybe he'd get the hint. Dan can’t stop picturing it, how Phil’s lips would feel or taste. It would ruin him, kill him instantly. But he wants it so bad, he’s dying to know how it would feel, and the way Phil looks at him, it's almost like Phil wants it too. 

But Phil lets go. And the moment is over. 

They go back to the piano like nothing happened between them, like they both didn’t just eye-fuck each other. So Dan thinks maybe the tension between them is all in his head.  

Phil at some points gives up on learning Starlight and just makes Dan play more songs for him. He stays seated next to Dan on the bench, their hips rubbing against each other every time Dan plays. But Phil doesn't seem to mind. 

And Dan likes it, it feels less lonely. Like he’s not so lost anymore. 

ᯓ★

Chapter Text

Dan can feel his mother’s brown eyes burning a hole in his head. He doesn’t get why she has to look at him like he’s the devil or something. Especially in public. 

It was Dan’s idea to get coffee at a cafe instead of just having her come over to his flat again to talk. He liked her not being there. His home was his safe space and he didn’t need his mother ruining that. He had been doing so well at improving himself recently. But everything was on such a thin layer of ice, if his mother took one step on it, it would shatter. Also there was less likely for her to throw a fit at him in public, which Dan assumes is what is going to happen today. He finally got the guts to reach out to her after she had already tried multiple times to speak to him. Dan just couldn’t do it yet, not until he had his therapy appointment with Ruby so he could get a good idea of what to say to her. 

They sit across from each other at a small table by the window. The room smells of coffee and syrup. Outside people walk the crowded street, bundled in thick coats and hats on their heads. March is around the corner yet the streets of London are still icy and cold. Like Dan’s heart. 

They’ve been quiet for a while now. They've talked about everything they could without actually talking about the real issue between them. They haven't talked about the one thing they always have to talk about, the one thing Dan dreads. But he has to get this over with or they will sit here until nightfall. 

“So,” Dan breaks the silence, his mother’s ears perk up. She looks healthier a lot than the last time he saw her. No bruises, not as pale. Her cheek looks fuller, like she’s been eating well. He’s glad she’s doing better, it is obvious why though. 

“When is he getting out?”

She purses her lips at him, twisting them. She probably didn’t expect Dan to be the one to bring up his father. Not like she really expects anything from him anymore.  

“I’m not sure yet. He’s doing very well, Daniel. You should be proud of him.”

Yeah, right. 

“He would love for you to come visit, he asks about you all the time,” She continues without waiting for a reply from Dan. She doesn’t need to, “I don't understand why you can’t be there for him.”

“Mum,” Dan rolls his eyes. How the fuck is he even supposed to answer her anymore? It’s the same damn question, the same damn statement over and over. ‘He needs you!’. ‘Why can’t you be there for him?’. 

“No,” she’s frowning. She’s upset now, her brown eyes are glossy, filled with tears already, “Your brother visits him, takes time away from school to show up for his father. You on the other hand…”

She shakes her head back and forth at him, “I can barely get a hold of you. It’s like you don’t want to be a part of our family anymore.”

Dan cringes. Why does she have to do this to him? Every single time they speak it's as if Dan has no choice but to hear about how horrible of a person he is. Why can’t she see it hurting him? 

“That’s not…true,” he has to push out the words. Because maybe it is true, maybe without his family he'd be able to figure out his life. Without them, he would feel so dragged down and like a piece of dirt getting stepped on over and over so nothing can grow. 

“Then why don’t you show up for him?” her eyes flash with anger, “I know you had a rough time-–” Rough time? “–-growing up, but we’ve all moved on from that, Dan.”

Rage consumes him, it's very quick like fire spreads through his body. He’s so angry at her, and she’s angry at him. Thank god for the cafe, thank god Dan made the decision to pick a public place knowing one of them was going to explode. He didn’t realize it would be both of them. Dan has to literally bite his tongue to not spew hate at her right now, to not scream in her face that he can't move on from his ‘rough childhood’. Maybe it’s a little harder to move on from the abuse he watched, the abuse he was put through. Maybe because he’s not in love with his abuser. 

“His therapist at the clinic says he needs people around to support him, to help him heal.” It's like she’s spitting at him. 

And Dan can’t fucking take it anymore. 

Ruby’s, his own therapist, similar words echo in his head ‘You deserve to heal on your own time, Dan. Your mother might not understand that, but you deserve to be cared for and loved to heal from your own trauma just like everyone else. ’

“Him? Fuck, Mum!” his voice raises and he drags his hand down his face in frustration, "What about me? I need to heal!”

Her eyebrows furrow, but Dan continues, the words just flying from his mouth with no filter, “You call it a rough childhood, but I was fucking abused! I watched you get punched in the face every single night by him! I watched my little brother hide in fear of our father and I…I had to stand up to him and try to protect you! Which only led to him hitting me! Mum, I needed you! I need you so bad, but you’re never there. You’re only here to talk about my father who tortured me, forcing me to try and forgive him and support him, but you were never there to support me!”

Dan is out of breath. He literally can’t get oxygen in his lungs anymore. There’s so much more he could throw at her, so much more he could say, but would it really matter? 

It’s not enough, he thinks. 

His mother looks so shocked, so pale and sick like she’s going to hurl, but it’s not enough. He wishes he could see empathy in her eyes, but they still look dull and dead. For a second Dan sees a tear fall from her eye, she wipes it away just as fast. Did he really get through to her? Maybe this time she’ll finally see things from his perspective. 

“Dan, I…” her voice shakes. 

His heart is thumping so loudly in his chest. 

“Just because he did bad things doesn’t mean we shouldn’t support his recovery.”

Dan’s icy heart shatters into a million pieces. No, not shatters, explodes. 

Now, he can’t hold back his own tears. The sobs are getting stuck in his throat, he can’t even look at her right now. He looks out the window at the cold, gray streets which look more appealing than his frigid mother across from him. 

She doesn’t give a fuck about me, why am I surprised? Dan's heart aches with pain and disappointment, she’ll never understand, she’s fucking brainwashed from him. 

“We will talk about this later, I’m late for visiting hours at the clinic,” She stands up quickly and grabs her coat. Dan can’t look at her. He won’t watch her leave or even say goodbye. He just stares out the window, trying to hold together all the pieces that have broken inside of him, but there’s too many. Dan’s fingers are slipping. 

She doesn’t say anything else before she leaves the cafe. And Dan closes his eyes when he gets a glimpse out of her walking down the street. A tear slips through, and Dan lets it roll down his cheek. 

-

He’s lost all hope. 

Dan can’t go home. Who knows what he’d do to himself if he went home right now, his head is already clouded with darkness, with pain. Going home is like handing him a gun, or a blade. He’ll use it. So he figures he’ll hurt himself in a different, a better way than shredding his thighs. 

Dan sits at the bar alone. It’s not very busy as it’s literally only five o’clock. Dan sips on the glass on straight tequila. It’s disgusting, he can barely stomach it, but he’s forcing it down with each time he pulls the glass to his lips. He needs to just be numb now. Alcohol abuse is just as bad as cutting himself, is something Ruby would be telling him right now. But the truth is, Dan doesn’t care. He won’t break his four year streak of self harm, but he’ll get himself wasted so he doesn’t have to feel.   

Two glasses down, Dan feels the effects of the alcohol working. His body is warm, his head slightly dizzy. He makes the mistake of pulling out his phone and seeing a message from his mother. He can't look at that, he’s terrified at what it says. So instead he makes a phone call, something to get his mind away from this mess. He meant to call PJ, at least that's what he tells himself. Maybe he mixed up names, maybe he didn’t. But PJ doesn’t answer the phone when the ringing stops in Dan’s ears. Phil does. 

“Yo.”

Dan pulls the phone from his ear, his head swimming in confusion. He reads Phil’s name on the screen. 

“Phil?”

“Yeah? Dan?” 

“Yeah…is that how you always answer the phone?”

“Yeah, is that a problem?” 

Dan can hear a grin on Phil's face. So he smiles too, “No, I was just surprised.”

“That I said yo?” Phil chuckles. 

“It's just, I wasn’t sure it was you.”

“You called me didn’t you?”

“I thought I called PJ,” Dan says honestly. 

“Oh, I see how it is then. Bye!”

“Wait!” Dan is grinning at Phil’s sarcasm. 

“What?”

“Do you want to come get a drink with me?” Dan is prepared to beg if Phil says no. But the thought of staying in his bar anymore by himself makes his chest hurt. He can’t go home, he needs someone here. Someone like Phil. God, he wants Phil. 

“Seems a bit early to be drinking—”

“Just come, please.” Already he’s begging, he doesn’t care. Can Phil tell he’s drunk already? Can he hear the pain in his voice, too? 

“Okay, fine,” Phil grumbles, but Dan knows he’s just playing, “Send me where you are.”

Dan does exactly that. And they get off the phone. 

So Dan orders himself a vodka and coke and waits for Phil anxiously. It’s more excitement than fear though, the tequila definitely helped with that. So by the time Phil strolls into the bar, Dan is beyond drunk. It should be embarrassing, but right now he doesn’t care. He’s too fucking excited to see Phil to even care about anything. 

Phil smiles when he spots him at the bar and walks over to Dan, taking a seat next to him, “Hey!” He grins and Dan has to grip the edge of the bar to not fall out of his chair. 

Phil has his blonde fringe messy, but also perfect as it covers his forehead. He’s wearing the same black denim jacket he wore out the bar, the night he surprises Dan with his gorgeous platinum hair. Also the night Dan got so drunk he doesn’t even remember coming home. 

Phil smirks at him so effortlessly, and Dan wants to scream at him. ‘Do you know how fucking hot you are? Do you realize what you look like right now?’

“Hi,” Dan smiles back at Phil trying to not blurt out the thoughts swimming in his head. He’s doing his best to not make huge love eyes at Phil, but Dan is having a hard time controlling anything so he knows it’s going to be obvious that he is. 

He wonders if Phil already knows he likes him.  

“Drunk already?” Phil raises an eyebrow at him suspiciously. 

“What?” Dan hiccups which makes Phil’s grin get wider. 

“Your cheeks are bright red and your eyes are like glass, Dan,” Phil keeps his eyes on him as Dan can’t help but giggle. 

“Shit, sorry.” His hands fly to his cheeks, they are piping hot. 

“You okay?” Phil asks him, but before Dan can even answer, the bartender is asking Phil for his drink order. He gets a cocktail and a glass of water which he ends up passing the water to Dan. 

“Drink up, drunky, ” Phil says as he takes a sip of his own drink. 

“I’m not that drunk,” Dan sighs but he sips the water anyway. 

Phil just snorts and then changes the subject, “So what's going on?”

Dan looks at Phil, not sure if he’s really about to spill his guts to him yet. He wants to, maybe he should just let it out. He could tell Phil everything about his father, his mother, all the bullshit they keep putting him through. He could tell Phil how close he was to relapsing recently and how badly that shook him up. It was so bad he had to control his every movement just to feel like he had a grasp on life. And he was doing good, especially with PJ, Charlotte, and of course Ruby’s help. 

But now…

Now things are slipping again. He’s wasted in the middle of the afternoon because he mother is still blinded by the fact that her son is affected by his traumatic childhood. She’s blinded by her love for an addict. 

So in all honesty, Dan blurts out, “I’ve lost all hope.” 

It comes out kind of dramatic, because does anyone really say that? Phil’s forehead wrinkles and his grin fades. 

“All hope? What does that mean?”

Instantly Dan regrets saying it. He really doesn’t want to talk about this. He’s not in the right state of mind to go into all of this. Why did he say that?! 

“Do I really have to talk about it?” 

For a second Phil looks taken aback, he wasn’t expecting Dan to say that. But his look had softened and so had his ice blue eyes. 

“No, you don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to talk about,” Phil says.  

Dan nods, his eyes move back to the water he’s supposed to be drinking. Until Phil speaks again, “But you know you can talk to me if you need to, alright? I told you I got your back…always.”

It’s like a punch to Dan’s gut what Phil says. He hates that this man is like a fucking angel sent from heaven. Everything he says and does is too much for him to handle. 

“Fuck, Phil,” Dan has to look away. A smile is creeping on his lips and he doesn’t want Phil to know how that makes him feel so fucking seen when he says stuff like that. 

“What?” Phil is arching his neck trying to look Dan in the eyes, but Dan is fixated on the bottles of liquor that sits behind the bar. 

“You…ugh.” 

Dan doesn’t know how to talk anymore, how to form a sentence. Phil has clouded his head. The angel-like man watches him, curious as to what he’s trying to say. Little does he know, Dan will not be able to get it out on his own. 

“I need another drink,” Dan finally mutters under his breath. He may be drunk, but not enough to tell Phil how he feels about him. 

“Dan…I think you’re okay. Drink the water,” Phil says with more concern in his tone. Dan ignores him, flags down the bartender and asks for a shot of vodka. 

The bartender places the small glass filled with clear liquor in front of him within a minute. Dan downs it. He grimaces at the strong taste and uses his water to get rid of the strong burning on his tongue. Dan can already feel his stomach turning inside of him. 

“Do you want me to call PJ or…” Phil says to him, his voice is quiet, hushed. It makes Dan want to cry that Phil is now worried about him. He didn’t mean to do that, he just wanted some company while he drowns his sorrows in vodka. 

“No, please.” He still won’t look Phil in the eyes. Because god, he fucking hates himself right now. 

The bartender swings back by them and Phil pays for all of their drinks. Dan doesn’t stop him, his head is now more than clouded. It's a mixture of being drunk and being so far down the dark hole he isn’t even sure where he is right now, or what's really happening. It’s all starting to feel like a dream. 

Phil ends up pulling him off the barstool. He doesn’t protest. Dan’s body turns limp in the blonde man's arms. He can stand on his feet, but he leans into Phil, he inhales him. 

“You smell good,” Dan blurts out, but Phil either doesn’t hear him or ignores him as he pulls Dan's arm over Phil's shoulder to hold him up. Phil's arm reaches behind Dan's torso, holding his waist. Phil’s touch feels electric to Dan, but he can’t fully enjoy it. Not with his mother’s words breathing down his neck, echoing in his ears. 

Not with his own demons huffing and puffing at him, taunting him. He knows what they want. They want pain. 

“Where are we going?” an obliterated Dan mumbles as Phil pulls him out of the bar. Cold air hits Dan's face, but he likes it. It cools down his flaming body and the nauseous feeling in his stomach fades slightly. 

“Home,” Phil says back to him. Dan nods. Well…he thinks he nods he isn’t quite sure what’s happening, he just moves his feet and walks as Phil tells him to, stopping when Phil tells him too. 

Phil must have ordered a ride because Dan is put into a car with Phil and they quickly end up at Dan's apartment. Phil helps him up the stairs and into the flat. Dan’s head is spinning as Phil takes him into his bedroom. Dan flops on his bed on his back. He covers his face with his hands trying to not think anymore. He doesn’t like this, he’s losing it. And right in front of Phil. 

“Sorry I’m a fucking mess,” Dan slurs. He hates himself more than ever right now. 

“Dan, please tell me what happened,” Phil's voice cracks. 

Dan just sucks in a big breath and then breathes it out. His hands fall from his face and he stares at the ceiling above him. Phil sits down on his bed next to Dan, but Dan can’t look at the beautiful man. 

He’s not ready to tell Phil, but he kind of put this on himself, so it’s not fair to leave Phil in the dark. Not after all he’s done for him. 

“My father is a drug addict.” The words come tumbling out, Dan can’t stop himself once he starts, “He's in rehab again…for like the tenth time and my mother still doesn’t understand why I don’t want to see him. Or be around him in general.”

Phil is quiet, so Dan keeps letting it out. 

“For some fucking reason she doesn’t understand that I don’t want anything to do with the man that put his hands on me, my brother, and her almost my entire life. She wants me to support him!” Dan lets out a laugh. He sounds like a maniac. Like a depraved psycho. 

But Phil doesn’t seem to care, he just watches Dan and listens. 

“I tell her all the time that she doesn’t deserve the way he treats her. That she has her children to think about, but she doesn’t care. She only cares about him and I just can’t handle it anymore because I’m losing her. I’m losing my family because I want to protect myself from the man who hurt me my entire childhood.”

Tears roll down Dan's cheeks. He didn’t even notice until he tasted salt on his lips. He covers his face again, smearing wet tears all over his face. He tries to hold back the pain, the cries, all of it. He tries so hard to not fall apart, but there’s no use anymore. He crumbles right in front of Phil. 

But his breath hitches when Phil's arms scoop him up, practically pulling Dan into Phil's lap. Phil pulls Dan close to him. His arms are wrapped around Dan, squeezing him tightly. Dan stops breathing for a second. He’s pressed right on Phil’s chest, he can hear Phil’s heart pounding. He didn’t expect Phil to hold him like this. He didn’t expect Phil to really be here at all. 

And that gives him just the tiniest ounce of hope. 

-

If Dan knew he was falling for Phil then, now he’s fully gone. He might as well just admit he’s in love with Phil. There is no other way to explain the feelings he has.

He wakes up the next day feeling even more like shit. But he’s glad he’s not drunk anymore. 

He wakes up in the arms of Phil, a sleeping angel laying on his bed on his side. His long arms are outstretched, wrapped around Dan’s torso. It feels so comforting, so warming in his chest. Like the ice has all melted and revealed a new heart underneath. 

Dan doesn’t remember falling asleep. He has blurry memories of crying to Phil about his childhood and then them just talking and talking until suddenly sleep took over. The embarrassment of it all gets stuck in his throat, choking him, making it so he can’t breathe. He hates that he was wasted, so fucking wasted that Phil had to help him home and then bawling to him about his family problems. It all seems so small now, like it wasn’t that big of a deal. Yes, his mother could be a bit more considerate of Dan’s trauma, but did he really need to act that destructive? He regrets it. He despises his inability to control his emotions or feelings when things like this happen. It makes him feel so melodramatic, yet Dan knows he isn't doing any of this for attention. But it might as well feel that way. 

Dan slowly pulls himself away from Phil’s arms. He doesn’t deserve this, a beautiful man holding him and confronting him when he’s drunk and cries about his traumatic childhood. He doesn’t deserve Phil’s kind words, and patience. Most importantly, Dan doesn't deserve Phil’s love. He doesn’t deserve any of it. 

Dan sits up in his bed, forcing his eyes to stop from admiring a sleepy Phil. He almost feels like he's going to have a panic attack. His stomach is in his throat and his lungs feel like they are being crushed. His whole body feels like a wreck, his bones crack and his muscles ache. His head is throbbing and his eyes sting as sunlight bleeds into the room. 

He’s getting in his head. The spiraling comes quick, like a heart attack. As much as Dan wants Phil, he can’t do this. He can’t have a relationship with someone if he can’t even take care of himself. If Phil didn’t answer his call, if no one answered him when he was sitting at the bar yesterday, he could be way worse right now. He could be dead. 

 “Hey.” 

The soft voice comes from behind him. Dan doesn’t have to look to know Phil’s awake. He can’t look. 

He doesn’t say anything back. He just stares at his hands in his lap, trying to figure out how to not make Phil think he’s some useless, depressed idiot who gets drunk when they can’t deal with their mother. Dan’s mask he created is cracked, pieces chipping away to reveal his true self. The one he’s been trying so hard to hide from Phil. It’s all becoming exposed. 

“Are you alright?” Phil asks him and Dan hears Phil shifting. He’s sitting up, moving closer to Dan, but the timid boy still can’t look Phil in the eyes. 

Phil waits for Dan to talk, so finally he does, “I’m sorry. I’m such a mess.”

“We all are, Dan. It’s okay.”

“It’s not,” the words come out so rigid, and Dan realizes he is clenching his teeth. 

“It is.” Phil reassures, though Dan doesn’t believe him. 

Dan lets his head swivel, his eyes finally looking deep into Phil’s ocean ones. Is it fear or panic that swipes through him? He doesn’t know. He just knows it feels like a rush of adrenaline pulse through his body when Phil’s eyes look at him like that. Like he actually sees him. 

Phil looks beautiful. His blonde hair is a mess, licks of white sticking up in all different directions. When they make eye contact Phil smiles at him, just a small smile that quickly fades back to a straight line of concern. 

“I didn’t mean to get so drunk and…act like that…” Dan’s heart is pounding so fast, he hates this but he keeps going. He has to apologize to Phil. “I shouldn’t have called you, I shouldn't have cried like that. It just gets to me sometimes, but I swear I’m not this all the time.”

Dan almost chokes on that last line, probably because he believes its a fucking lie. He does do this all the time, he can barely leave the house without struggling with his anxiety and depression. 

“You don’t have to apologize to me,” Phil says back, “Dan, you are allowed to feel how ever you need to feel to process what you’ve been through. Don’t say sorry for that, please. I’m your friend, I’m here for you. I’m glad you called me.”

He should say thank you, he should be nice to Phil, but he doesn’t. Dan grinds his teeth together. His cheeks get warm at how embarrassed he feels right now. 

“No, Phil. I told you I don’t want you to pity me, I’m just worthless. I just…” he doesn’t even know what to say anymore. 

“What are you talking about?” Phil stops Dan from saying anything more. His eyebrows are furrowed, his face all scrunched up in confusion. 

Dan turns his head away from Phil, his eyes roam back to his hands in his lap. Phil doesn’t get it, and he never will. 

“Dan, look at me,” Phil's voice demands. For a second Dan hesitates. A part of him would do anything Phil says, another part knows what he’s worth. And letting Phil try to talk him out of knowing he fucked up won’t happen. 

But fuck he can’t help it. He obliges. 

“I haven’t been through any close to what you have, but I know you are not fucking worthless,” His words hit Dan square in the chest. Right on his heart. 

“You don’t need to justify anything that happened last night to me. No questions asked, I’m here.” Phil speaks strongly, almost like he’s yelling at Dan without reading his voice. 

Fuck. 

Dan's head spins. Yes, he has his other friends who would have said the same thing to him just now, but there is something so different about those words coming out of Phil’s mouth. It’s so euphoric to him. Like it’s actually meaning something to him.  

“But you don’t need to be,” Dan wants to cry again, but he can’t, he’s cried enough “I’ve been doing a lot better getting my shit together…” because I want to actually have a chance with you  “...but every time my mum butts her head into my life it throws me off course.”

“Listen, we all have slip ups. We all fuck up, and just because we do doesn’t mean we are worthless. It doesn’t mean we give up.”

Dan nods slowly as he absorbs Phil’s words. He lets them soak into his brain. 

“I know…” he stutters slightly, “I’m too hard on myself, my therapist says that all the time.”

“It’s okay, I’m like that too,” Phil’s hand grabs Dan's shoulder and gives it a squeeze. Just his touch takes Dan's breath away. 

“Just promise me you’ll try to forgive yourself. Okay?” Phil bites his lip. 

Dan nods again, “Okay.” he says back but then his lips burst into a smile, “What are we, a John Green novel?”

Phil laughs, like the most joyous music filling the air, “I’ve never actually read or seen that one. The Fault in Our Stars, right?”

“What? You've never seen it? You’ll cry, it’s horrible,” Dan can feel the energy has shifted. Things that were once so bleak to him have been filled with color, filled with Phil. 

The conversation flows between them, like a stream. It’s easy and simple. 

Phil convinces Dan to watch the stupid, sad John Green movie with him and that is how the rest of Dan's day is spent. Just sitting next to Phil in his bed as they binge T.V. All of the weight on Dan’s shoulders have been turned into feathers. His issues with his mother don’t feel as important, in fact they slip from his mind completely. All Dan can think about is how Phil smells like vanilla bean, and how delicious his lips look. 

And there it is again, that tiny sliver of hope breaking through the storm cloud. Dan lets himself  bask in its light. 

  ᯓ★