Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

No. This really couldn't be.

His eyes had to be playing tricks on him! Something other than this, anything but this. But alas reality had come, and reality was right in front of him. A small white and pink stick, the cheap kind from some downtown London pharmacy. The little screen showed two little grey lines, or was it one? Perhaps his eyes were playing tricks on him? He felt foolish in confiding in anyone but himself. Oh God, what if this wasn't a false alarm? What would his master think? Or even say? How could he even move on like nothing happened? Like that stupid night never happened!  Alucard set the test down, swirling a cup of blood in his gloved hand. He downed the rest of the crimson liquid, crushing the glass in silent anger. How dare he do this, how dare he act so foolish!

As if seeking some comfort, his other hand clutched his stomach. Life. Life swirled inside, like the blood in the wine glass. The consequences of his actions came crashing down like waves against the sandy banks of shorelines far away from here. Anywhere that wasn't the truth, that wasn't reality. Anything to distract him from the life that lingered inside.

How ironic, a creature of death carrying life.

---

“And WHAT would be the meaning of this?!” Integra slammed a positive pregnancy test onto her desk, her eyes never leaving the vampire’s towering form. “I allow you grace this one time, and you decide to spit on it!”

Alucard said nothing, instead letting a wide smile creep on his face. It couldn’t be his, no way in hell he was that clumsy and foolish. Where did she get it from? It wasn’t like Integra to suddenly search his room for no good reason at all, and Alucard was careful enough to immediately dispose of the tests at first chance.

“It’s not Seras, I already asked.” she added, teeth clenched in anger and frustration. “Either you have testicular cancer or you’re hiding something from me.”

In the corner of his eye, he sensed the butler lurking. Despite his new vampiric abilities, Integra still kept him as an ordinary butler. None of them liked thinking about what happened, especially Walter himself.

“And how do we know it isn’t Walter’s? If I recall, he’s seemed a little bloated lately.” The vampire grinned, his fangs glimmering in the moonlight. “Have you asked him?”

“Walter is too responsible for such a mistake.” Integra hissed, spit flying from her teeth. “And he isn’t my trump card, YOU are!”

“All I can say is that it’s not mine.”

“And if it is.” She finally regained her composure, lighting up another cigar, “Who’s the father?” 

“What?”

“Who is your baby daddy!?” 

Alucard shrugged, “It’s not mine.” 

“This is an order! Who’s your daddy!?” 

Integra gripped the nearest thing, which happened to be her desk lamp. She aimed it towards Alucard’s face, chucking it in his direction. The lamp shattered and cut his cheek, healing quickly afterwards. Even so, it knocked him to his knees. 

Now he really had no choice. Orders were orders, after all. He knelt with shame, nearly flinching as his master approached with malice and rage. She towered right above him, awaiting an answer. 

“Master…I apologize.” he gave a little bow, but was immediately taken aback as she delivered a harsh kick to his stomach. The kick knocked him to the floor, causing him to cough in pain and worry. “If you’ll let me…” 

Integra let out a scream of anger and kicked him again, this time harder. “WHO’S YOUR DADDY!?”

“I…I believe it might be Father Alexander Anderson, master.” he confessed, biting his lips with those sharp fangs. 

“THAT ISCARIOT!!??” 

He nodded, flinching at her words, “Yes master.”

THUMP!

Another kick delivered to his womb, the womb that flourished with disgraceful life. His hand clutched his stomach subconsciously, his teeth clenched in fear and motherly instincts. 

“I want that thing GONE, got it?!” she finally said, turning to face the window. “Now get out of here, I don’t even want to look at you right now!” 

“Yes master.” Alucard stood, his hand never leaving his stomach. He hung his head low in shame, like a helpless puppy that just got kicked by its mean and broody owner.

---

“Come on, Seras, just push me down the stairs,”

“No, Master, I couldn’t possibly-”

“Push me down the fucking stairs or get a metal hanger.”

Seras dropped to her knees, tears falling from her blue orbs as her hands clutched onto Alucard’s shirt, pressing her face to his barely-bloated stomach, listening to the non-existent heartbeat of the clump of cells that floated mindlessly within his man womb.

“It’s still a living thing, Master! Please, bear the child! I couldn’t possibly assist you in an abortion!”

“Push me down the stairs before I drink so much I shit the child out myself,”

“No, Master!”

With a pitiful, weak sob, Seras stood to her full stature which was like 4’2 because she’s short as fuck idk and I’m too lazy to google her height, pressing her hands onto Alucard’s back as they stood at the top of the stairwell, 

THUMP!

THUMP!

THUMP!

THUMP!

THUMP!

THUMP!

THUMP!

THUMP!

THUMP!

THUMP!

THUMP!

As Alucard tumbled down the stairs like an ugly tumbleweed, he let out a weak  groan as he fell to the bottom, curling into himself like a deformed and ugly ass shrimp, yet the shrimp was prettier then he was.

And there it was- a kick?

A soft gasp escaped Alucard’s lips, his hands that were more commonly used for holding fat balls instead of caressing baby bumps landed on his stomach, feeling the new and strange sensation of the child gently kicking against his womb. Or maybe it was just phantom sensations from the muscle memory of Anderson’s cock that wrapped around the sun seven times shoved within his womb.

“My child…it’s still alive,” Alucard softly gasped out- he had made the decision after feeling the sensation of his unborn child conscious within him- he would keep and bear the child, and give Anderson a child. He would lie to his master if he so must- but his mind was made up.

He was still going to drink, though. He didn’t care about the child THAT much.

Chapter Text

“YOU WHAT??!!! WITH WHO ???!!” 

“Ahm ‘fraid so, Enrico.” 

“You…you mean to tell me…you got that manslut vampire PREGNANT!!??” 

The reverend could only manage a nod. 

The silver-haired bishop could only clutch the desk behind him and bite back an enraged snarl. This was unbelievable, how irresponsible of the most powerful man of Iscariot! He wanted to beat Anderson until the only thing he could ever regenerate would be his mouth, so he could apologize and maybe suck him off while he was at it. 

“An’ I might’ve gotten the butler pregnant too.” 

Enrico could feel a vein in his forehead pop, his beady eyes wide with rage and anger almost unreachable. He gripped the desk and threw it forwards, papers crashing and his various trinkets landing to the floor. What next? Pregnant with twins? Triplets? Or by some crazy chance he becomes the next octo-mom? 

“And…and WHAT’S THE SIR HELLSING DOING ABOUT IT !!??” 

“She’s makin’ Alucard abort it.” 

The clinically-insane twink managed a twisted smile, crossing his arms and turning away from the mess he just caused. “I’m glad we agree on something.” he hissed slowly, “Now you? You better make sure that pathetic clump of cells is dead or I’ll take care of it myself.” 

Anderson only managed a shameful nod, “Yes’sir.” 

From outside of Maxwell’s office, Heinkel and Yumiko listened and bit back obscene giggles from the long stretch of hallway. The Archbishop had not let up and further reprimanded the regenerator, various comments of slutshaming and self control included. 

THWAP! 

The duo perked up, exchanging wide-eyed looks of concern. Should they intervene? Had things gone too far?

“Did Bishop Maxwell just…hit Father?” Yumiko’s voice trembled, an untouched wave of rage suddenly creeping in her tone. 

“Yumie, wait.” Heinkel grabbed her wrist, “Don’t go in yet.”

The nun stopped, her eyes narrowed into slits. She tried to breathe steadily but the thought of that arrogant, ugly, disgusting, hideous, mentally-ill, down-bad Bishop laying hands on her Father, “No…no!” she charged through the door, katana withdrawn. 

Enrico must have been lost in his reprimanding to the regenerator, because the moment he looked up he was pounced on and shoved onto the thrown desk by the nun. She threw her sword to the side and began beating the everliving shit out of the pathetic twink, her partner hesitant and even scared to interfere. 

Heinkel only lit a cigarette and took a deep drawl, her eyes meeting Anderson’s. She only shrugged and laid her eyes on her partner’s enraged and disheveled form, her cowl having been tossed to the side to accommodate for the ass-beating the man was receiving. Finally she stomped it out and pulled Yumiko off, holding her like a squirming rodent. 

“What are you doing!? Let me at him!” she screamed and snarled, squirming in Heinkel’s grip. 

“You’ve done enough.” Her voice was cold, harsh eyes falling onto Enrico’s beaten and injured form. “Go clean up, I’ll handle the rest.” 

Enrico only nodded and whimpered like the pathetic omega he was, managing himself and limping out of the office. He cursed under his breath yet kept his face towards the ground.  

Yumiko finally returned to her regular self, weary and heavy with tears. She ran to Anderson, clutching his chest while the man only stood there in frozen silence. She buried her face into his clothes and let out a loud sob. 

“Don’t listen to that stupid omega! He’s just jealous that you aren’t his baby daddy.” she sniffled, her body heaving. “I don’t care if you’ve sinned or not…I’m really happy for you Father.” 

Alexander Anderson felt hollow, the words of the Archbishop null against his ears. He only stood, letting an arm wrap around the woman’s form. 

“Happy for you too, Father.” Heinkel finally said, laying a hand on his shoulder and squeezing it. “Let’s go, Yumi.” 

Yumiko let go and wiped her tears, her sniffles low and soft. “Do…do you know the gender yet?” 

“Nay. I’ll bet it’s too early to tell.” Heinkel let go and grabbed Yumiko’s hand, giving it a little squeeze. “I’m hopin’ for a boy.” 

“I think a girl would be nice though.” she squeaked, glued to her partner’s hip. “We should make Alucard a care package!” 

“Ehh I don’t think those folks like us very much.” 

Anderson finally snapped out of his stare. He let out a deep sigh and turned around, following the duo out of the trashed office. He’d deal with Enrico and Yumiko and Heinkel later, for now he cared only about one thing. 

”Alucard…”

—

That stupid nun and her even stupider partner! Enrico hated them both, he so badly wanted to bully them for their stupid stupid love life and for their stupid stupid existence. What the hell is a queer-platonic relationship anyways?! 

“It’s an ABOMINATION TO THE TRADITIONAL ROLES IN MARRIAGE!” he screamed to himself, locked in the conveniently sound-proofed room of his abode.

 He hated them, he hated those kinds of people. He hated how Anderson treated Yumiko so gently and nodded to Heinkel with respect. He wanted to shoot them for it! He hated a lot of things, and queers was one of them. Yes he was homophobic, yes he liked getting it up the ass, and yes he was jealous of Alucard! 

“He’s supposed to be MY BABY DADDY!” he roared, his long and white hair gracefully flowing against his enraged form. “IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ME!! NOT HIM!!” Suddenly, his eyes widened and a bad idea began to form. “I’m going to ABORT THAT THING MYSELF!”

—

“Do you forgive me, Hans?” 

Nod nod.

“Even if the babies are not yours, will you still love me?” 

Nod. 

Walter could only hug the werewolf close and stroke his wagging tail, nuzzled deep against his neck where nothing could get him. He could feel the movement deep inside of his body, little limbs that kicked against the walls of his stomach. He felt guilty for what he did with Anderson and Alucard, but in his defense- if Hans would have marked him none of this would’ve happened. 

Maybe Hans knew that too. 

The white-haired captain pressed a kiss to his forehead, his bare chest flexed against his omega’s warm body. His hands stroked his sides and gently cupped his stomach. There was no shame in those beady eyes, his tail wagged and slapped against the bedsheets. If Walter was all he had, then maybe getting kicked from Millennium was worth it then. 

Walter shifted his body and sat up, gently pulling away from the other man. He cupped his chin and kissed his cheek lovingly, “What should we do now?” 

Hans let out a grunt and palmed his stomach, wearing a look of concern. 

“Sir Integra gave me today off, I will be fine to go out.” he insisted, “She has been surprisingly graceful to me during this period, although I can’t say the same for Alucard.” 

Hans tilted his head in curiosity, letting Walter stand and tucked in his dress-shirt. 

“Do you want me to explain why?”

Nod nod. Thump. Thump. Thump. 

Walter sighed but reached up to stroke his furry white ears. “Alucard and Seras are both the most important members of the Hellsing Organization and the most efficient and risk-free. They can sustain injuries and heal themselves, do you understand?” 

Hans gave a quick nod, his tail thumping against the bed. 

He continued, “But Alucard is considered ‘weaker’ by Sir Integra because he is carrying a fetus. The fetus weakens some of his abilities due to taking certain nutrients and depriving him. He heals slower since his body is protecting the baby first.” 

Hans made a hand gesture, pinching his fingers and dragging it across the air, gesturing to his neck. 

“He’s tried, but I’m afraid Alucard is keeping it afterall.” he explained, re-tying his hair into his regular ponytail. “If I go out, will you come with me?” 

The Captain nodded once more and stood tall against the other man, reaching for his coat which lay tossed on the floor. His tail did not stop wagging, even as he suited up and stood right behind Walter and awaited orders. He was suited up like a good boy, ready for action. Ready to protect his baby mama. When Walter left his room, the towering werewolf-man following close behind. His oversized coat covered most of his body, his face peaking from the green collar. His tail still wagged happily, his hands placing themselves on Walter's shoulders. 

“Okay Captain, let’s head out.” 

Walter and Hans strolled out of the giant Hellsing manor, unaware of what lurked in the shadows.

---

“I’m…I’m keeping it, Alexander.”

The reverend blinked, unsure he heard himself correctly, “But the woman said-”

“I don’t care!” Alucard snapped, “I’m keeping my baby!” tears welled in his eyes, his voice growing overly defensive. He clutched his stomach, refusing to meet his gaze, “It’s…my precious.”

Anderson stopped in his tracks, his purple-pussy colored eyes softening at the sight of his baby mama in tears, slowly reaching out, his cum-stained white gloved hands on the swollen baby bump, feeling the blossoming life within.

“I…Alucard, I…”

“Save it-I’m keeping it, I’ve decided-”

Anderson leaned closer, smashing his lips against Alucard’s without another spoken word, Anderson’s lips moving against Alucard’s with a ferocious, needy ferocity, their tongues intertwining as Alucard’s tears subsided, the vampiric baby mama’s arms wrapping around Anderson’s neck, their tongues wrapping around each other as they swapped spit and regurgitated like a bunch of cracked out birds.

As they broke apart for breath, Alucard panted and gasped for breath, his cheeks flushed a deep red, a trail of saliva between their lips still, as Alucard looked deep into Anderson’s purple pussy colored eyes,

“Dinnae worry, Alucard...A'll love ye an the child. Ma omega baby mama."

Tears welled up in Alucard’s period blood colored eyes that glowed with the intensity of his emotions, his hands resting on his own bump, his motherly instincts fully kicked in, as the blossoming life within him kicked from within his man womb, beating the shit out of him from inside.

“Oh…Oh, Alexander…”

Their lips crashed together instinctively, Alucard’s gloved hands cupping Anderson’s face as their tongues battled for dominance in true wattpad-esque core, stumbling in the intensity of their make-out session, a loud moan escaping Alucard’s lips as Anderson pushed him against the wall, as a low growl escaped Anderson’s mouth, as the alpha was slowly being let out.

“Alucard…I want tae breit ye again,” 

Alucard let out a moan, trembling in his boots as he made a mess in his trousers, his knees buckling under the weight of the clump of cells in his man womb, and as anticipation and want filled his veins, pumping through his blood relentlessly, needing desperately to be sated.

With a grunt, Anderson hoisted his baby mama into the air, his strong arms wrapping around Alucard as he marched over to the mattress, a growl escaping Anderson as his alpha was being let out, his mind clouded with lust and desire to breed until Alucard birthed all of his babies.

A soft gasp left Alucard’s lips as he was tossed onto the bed, letting out a whine of submission like the omega he was, as Anderson straddled Alucard’s hips, his fat ass old man hands working diligently on the slutty vampire’s belt, stripping him down until he had access, his fat ass fingers trailing along his baby mama’s sharp collarbone, as the alpha leaned down, licking strips of saliva along Alucard’s chest, marking him with hickeys and love bites,

“Mine…Mine,” He growled, as Alucard let out a soft whimper.

Anderson flipped Alucard over onto his stomach, his bare, fat, curvy, plumpy, chunky, lush, buxom, shapely, ample, voluptuous vampire ass in the air, the flesh so soft you’d just want to sink your teeth into it.

“Br-breed me. Breed me again, Alexander, ” Alucard softly whined, his face pushed into the pillows, his face flushed and sweaty, letting out soft pants and gasps, begging for penetration.

Anderson’s sausage fingers unbuckled his belt with expertise, as he had done many times before, lining the cumshooter3000 up with the void that was the hole that literal shit comes out of.

Plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap, plap-

As the two FUCKING WHORES neared climax, the room fucking reeking of badussy by now and old man sweat, the door to the bedroom slowly creaked open, revealing the very familiar face of the alpha-beta cross, interrupting the slow breeding of the omega vampire.

Seras.

“M-Master! You-” 

The blonde alpha-beta cross’s face paled until it was as white as Anderson’s bust, letting out a loud gasp at the sight of the old ass man being fourteen inches deep inside of her master’s asshole, as Alucard and Anderson looked towards the open door and at the vampiric woman, their faces paled. 

“S-Seras, it isn’t what it looks like-” Alucard protested, still actively having a nut being busted into his ass, but it was no use. It was exactly what it looked like.

Seras only stared in horror and disgust, covering her mouth and running out of the room. Using her vampire powers because I forgot about those, she slammed the door shut so she wouldn't have to witness the debauchery any more. Tears ran down her cheeks as she sprinted through the halls, sobbing loudly and relentlessly. 

Yes Seras was pro-life, very very pro-life, but at that moment she wished someone would abort the stupid thing.

Chapter Text

Term: 2 months still (its a continuation of chap 2)

—

“You think they’ll attack us?”

“Nay, we’ll sneak past ‘em. Just watch the basket on your way in.”

In Yumiko’s hands were two giant baskets, stuffed with goodies for Anderson’s baby mamas. Both baskets contained a stuffed elephant plushie, some candles, a mug filled with chocolate candy bars, some unscented lotion, baby oil (that was Heinkel’s idea), and two frozen-wrapped packages of New York strip steak nestled towards the bottom.

Heinkel held the invites, which she created herself with Yumiko’s approval. Passing by the dinky-looking mailbox, which desperately needed an upgrade. She opened the lid and shoved the invites inside, whistling suspiciously as she tried to stroll past the ratched looking thing as fast as she could. She turned around to see Yumiko catching up, being careful not to trip and drop the baskets she worked so hard on. The financial burden was not a problem, since Yumiko stole Makube’s credit card to buy everything.

“Should we bring the stuff to Alucard or Walter first?” Yumiko asked, her eyes meeting her partners with hesitation, “I know Father Anderson is with Alucard right now, but I don’t think Walter likes us.”

“Maybe not, ‘specially after what happened.” Her voice faded, filled with bitter memories. It was a scary day with everyone, made even worse when the butler nearly cut her partner to death. Heinkel was lucky herself, that werewolf had only barely missed her head. She learned afterward to never take her partner for granted ever again.

“...but it wasn’t his fault, he was under the Millennium’s control- remember?” she set the baskets down, grabbing her hands with assurance and adoration in her eyes. “We have to forgive sometimes, maybe not forget but forgive and accept.”

“I don’t forgive and forget, Yumiko.” Heinkel exhaled, squeezing the nuns hands, “I remember and I resent.”

“But you can’t hate Walter, especially when he had no control over his actions. You think he remembers everything? You think he may also resent those who wronged him? You think he may resent himself for what he did?” She brought Heinkel’s hands to her lips, kissing them with gentleness and love. “If Sir Hellsing took him back, maybe we can accept him as well.”

The blonde stared at Yumiko’s face, taking in that sweet expression of hers. The darkness lurked somewhere underneath those doe eyes of hers, waiting and stalking. She bent down and let her lips meet the nuns, pulling her close against her towering body. Their tongues met and graced each other with ease and love in their dance, her arms buried in those long and thick curls of dusky-colored hair.

Heinkel finally brought herself to pull away, letting go of Yumiko and pulling away. She let out a deep chuckle and lit up a cigarette, “What if we split up. I deliver one and you deliver the other?”

“That works with me!” she beamed, picking up one basket and handing the other to her partner. “I’ll go check on Father since I know he’s with Alucard at the moment, are you okay with bringing the other one to Walter?”

Heinkel tensed, “Do I…have to?” she shuddered at the thought of the intimidating white-haired captain, who according to Anderson, left Millennium because the Doctor tried mating with the butler. By defeating the other alpha, it broke the spell over the omega.

Alpha fights were never fun, she knew that from her own experience, but between two alpha’s like that? It was hellfire at the least. Thank the almighty Lord she mated with a beta and that was that. None of this omega bullshit, mating and heat seasons, it was all bullshit to her. Yes she was prejudiced against omegas, but partially because Enrico Maxwell himself was an omega- a very fertile and whiny one at that. The archbishop refused to take pheromone suppressors because “it was unnatural to the Lord’s way”, which served only to bother every alpha in the vicinity. Heinkel herself never fell for his scent, probably because she’s in a locked-in relationship. Oh, and she’s a lesbian.

“Ack, let’s go.” She picked up her basket and trudged on forward, following Yumiko’s steps. “I’ll go see the butler I guess…” For now, her omega-phobia would have to wait.

—

”Stupid damn OMEGA! That baby is supposed to be MINE! That baby is supposed to be in MY WOMB!! NOT HIS!!”

Enrico paced back and forth, his exact whereabouts unknown. All we know was that he was somewhere in the Hellsing Organization, prowling the inside of the walls and probably eating the insulation as well. He listened closely for sounds and signs of life, only to be met with the intense plapping noise the more downward he went. Alucard’s room must be all the way down, according to such noises.

And then, he heard it.

“AHHH! ALEXANDER!!~~ GIVE ME MORE BABIES !!! MORE!!~~”

“Am gonnae make ye carry a' mah babies, ye glaikit vampire hoor.”

Alucard let out a piercing scream that could only be compared to Walter White screaming “HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!” from the hit TV series “Breaking Bad”. It was very high-pitched and even the average deaf person could feel the vibrations from his screams.

This only served to further enrage Enrico even more. From his cassocks he pulled out the required weapon, a rusty coat hanger he stole from Goodwill. He snickered and squeezed himself out of the vents where he prowled, tossing the coat hanger onto the floor. As he moved through the opening, he was almost there! Almost onto the floor!

Until his voluptuous asscheeks got stuck in the vents.

He bit his tongue and tried not to scream in anger and pain. He tried to shae shimmy aye shimmy aye shimmy aye his booty through the tight vent opening, but his drank twalalalala’s were not in vain. For he fell to the floor, landing with a loud THUMP!!

He could hear the lovemaking promptly stop.

“A-Ah!! My big daddy alpha … I heard something…I’m scared!!”

“Twas likelie yer imagination, noo clam up 'n' let me keep pumping that bonnie bahookie.”

“O-Oh…AHHH!!!! AHHH IT'S SO BIIIIG!~~~”

Enrico clenched his teeth, even more pissed off. He continued to stomp his way towards that direction, not caring if the other people could hear him or not. The master of Hellsing was probably sleeping, that stupid butler was probably getting his bootycheeks clapped by the furry, the vampire girl was probably out doing stupid vampire girl shit, and Enrico didn’t even want to think about the French guy. He hated the French as much as he hated gay people, maybe more.

As he approached Alucard’s door, he crawled into the vents again and stalked the couple from above. Moving through the vents like Springtrap on Night 4, he settled himself right above and got his coat hanger ready.

“Where are you going?~” Alucard whined, reaching out for the regenerator.

“Ah hae some business tae tak' care o', bade 'ere.” Anderson replied, kissing the vampire before letting go, “A loue ye.”

Alucard waved the priest off, settling into his disgusting and cum-stained bedsheets. But because Alucard was a filthy and nasty FREAK, he didn’t give two shits. It’s not like anyone would come in here during this hour, right?

He looked up, only to see Enrico lunging at him FNaF 2 Withered Foxy jumpscare style, a rusty ass coat hanger in his grasp.

He screamed loudly as the insane twink began to beat the everliving fuck out of him using the hanger, curling into a pathetic ball like paraplegic shrimp. The dumb and weak little cinnamon roll didn’t even bother to defend himself, I mean he kinda couldn’t. My guy is butt ass naked rn and he’s been plowed to Hell and back, this motherfucker can’t even WALK rn.

“You…you took EVERYTHING FROM ME!!! YOU AND THIS STUPID CLUMP OF CELLS!” he threw a harsh kick to the womb, stepping back to admire his handiwork.

Alucard had been beaten to a nasty pulp, crying and moaning in pain. He covered his face and barely managed to get the words out of his mouth, “Stop ... .stop it please…my baby…dont hurt my beautiful baby…”

THWACK

“I HATE YOU! I CANNOT DESCRIBE HOW MUCH I HATE YOU!” Enrico grabbed his neck, spit flying all over the vampire's face, “How does it feel? To know how I feel…?-”

The bedroom door was suddenly kicked down, causing both the twink and the vampire to look over. In the doorway stood a familiar nun, holding a baby basket in his grip. Her sweet expression was quickly put to rest the minute she laid eyes on Enrico.

To say it was on-sight was an understatement, because it was ON SIGHT. She gently set her baby basket down and withdrew her katana, lunging at the silver-haired twink (or purple, idk). She pulled him away from the vampire and began whooping his voluptuous ass worse than when he was beaten by the teachers for being an annoying little bitch. Even Anderson had beaten him a handful of times, but Enrico being the little stupid freak he is, always got off on it.

Alucard somehow began to recover, remembering that he was a vampire after all. He quickly dressed himself as to not embarrass the nun, which took a really long time, before realizing just how terrible of shape she was leaving the archbishop in. He found the strength to pull her away, watching with wide eyes as the archbishop scrambled off like a stupid and filthy freak.

Yumiko finally calmed down, switching back to her normal self. She put her katana away and faced the vampire, a sweet smile on her face. “I brought you a gift.” she cheered, picking up the basket and handing it to him, “It’s a baby basket, for you and your baby!”

“A gift? For me? Not even my master has been this gracious…” he took the basket, setting it on the cum-stained bed and rummaging through it. “Thank you.”

And maybe for the first time in this entire stupid crack-fic, Alucard felt something other than lust or fear.

---

The third floor meeting room located in the Hellsing Organization was currently in use. Not for the reasons you would think, however. And no, not for those reasons either. 

“I’m having twins.” Walter confessed, sitting in the front chair. Many papers and documents were piled on the table, likely custody proceedings or I don’t know. “The problem is, I don’t know who the father is.”

Alexander Anderson and Captain Hans exchanged confused yet respectful looks. After Anderson had left Alucard, he briefly ran into the white-haired alpha, meaning no harm but instead wanting to settle this ordeal. Now the three of them met in Sir Integra’s meeting room, ready to settle this once and for all. 

Anderson raised his hand, “Whit if jist wan o' the bairns is mine?” 

“Then we’ll have a split-custody agreement.” Walter replied, handing the priest one of the papers, “You’ll get it on Tuesdays and Thursdays during my week, and Sunday we switch and I’ll get it on Tuesdays and Thursdays.” 

Hans listened from his seat, his tail thumping against the table. 

“What if they're baith mine, eh?” he grinned, “That's me wi' three bairns tae bring up, so it is.”

“If they are both yours, the arrangement will be the same. If none of them are yours, then it’ll be up to Hans and myself to take care of it.” Walter began to collect the rest of the papers, “Are there any other questions between anyone here?”

“Is that wee wolf yer pal, or whit?” the priest gestured to the wolf-man. 

Hans let out a low growl, baring his teeth. 

“If they're mine, I'm bringin' them up at the orphanae as ma students, so I am.” he declared, standing tall and proud, “Micht just claim yer butler as ma ither pal while I'm at it, ken?”

Hans began to bark loudly, jumping onto the tables like a chimpanzee on steroids. He began tearing up the papers with his teeth, sharpening his claws and lunging for the priest. Hans didn’t get far before the priest whipped out his machetes like it was his dongalong and began fighting back. 

By Heinkel’s definition, Hans and Alexander Anderson were now engaged in an “alpha fight”. 

Walter only watched, not really giving a fuck on who won. Since he wasn’t marked, he didn’t have true feelings for Hans yet. It’s kind of like the Twilight series, except I never watched Twilight. Whatever the hell that love triangle was anyways. 

As they were battling for dominance over the butler, Heinkel herself had slipped into the room and pulled Walter outside. Slamming the door, she presented the basket to the butler. 

“Here ya go, happy?” she crossed her arms, “Yumiko wanted me to deliver your stupid baby basket now here it is, tell Father Anderson hi for me.” 

Walter was too taken aback to realize she was addressing him. He immediately shook himself to reality and quickly bowed, “A-Ah yes! Thank you, a-and I’m sorry about the fight in there….I was only trying to-”

“I really don’t give a damn, peace out.” Heinkel gave a peace sign with her hand, before skedaddling faster than Enrico whenever he sees Yumiko.  

Walter only sighed in embarrassment, the fight inside still going on.

---

“I think they’ll like this more.” 

“Non, léts gét zem zis!” Pip held up a white onesie, pointing to the text. 

Seras narrowed her eyes, reading it carefully. “Party at my crib, bring your own beer- we are NOT buying that for a baby!” 

“Why!? It’s pairfect, man!” the french man whined, sticking out his lip and crossing his arms. “We are gétteng!” 

“Fine.” she hissed, baring her fangs at the man. “But no more.” 

“Ai lik zis un!!” Pip held up another onesie, one that Seras hated even more. 

“ ‘Feeling cute, might shit myself later’, who do you think you are !? This is NOT APPROPRIATE FOR A BABY, ESPECIALLY FOR A PRIESTS BABY!”

With a submissive huff, the alpha-beta carefully put it back on the rack, his bottom lip just out as he batted his eyelashes in faux sadness, sticking his fat gyatt out in hopes of getting Seras’ approval for the next onesie, perhaps the worst one yet-a grey onesie, that said “I came from nuttin’”, in bold black letters, holding a white one up in his other hands, saying “Daddy’s Little Squirt”, with an artistic drawing of a nut cell on it.

“What the fuck is that?” Seras hissed out at the sight of the onesies, as Pip grinned ear-to-ear, as if he had struck gold in the mines. 

“Better then the ‘Uh oh, I shizzled in my dizzle’ one,” 

“Put that shit back. I’m pro-life but if you don’t, I’ll abort you myself right here and now.”

Seras let out a loud huff, turning her back to Pip as she held the shopping cart, going to the other side of the store, leaving in a tizzy, as if she had just shizzled in her own dizzle.

The French fuck let out a soft whine, his beta-side coming out, as he would quickly tuck the onesies in his coat, refusing to put them back on the rack, resorting to shoplifting and stealing them if he had to. 

Seras continued shopping, fawning over the assortment of bows (even though the baby would be born as bald and shiny as my principal) and hairbands-she didn’t care if the overgrown fetus was a boy, she’d make her master put bows and hairbands on his bald ass.

“Oh, look, Pip! Look at this gorgeous bow-it’s the same color as Anderson’s tip! I’m sure my master will simply love this bow as memory-Pip?”

While Seras was busy busting and fawning over the baby bows that resembled the color of a man’s tip, Pip was busy stuffing baby onesies into the inside of his coat, looking around to make sure he wasn’t about to get caught by the underpaid teenage TJ Maxx employees. 

“Pip!” Seras cried out angrily, before the windows of the TJ Maxx were violently and brutally crashed in, revealing the Walmart rip off’s security team, guns-a-blazing as they pointed it at the French alpha-beta.

At that very moment, Pip must’ve thought he was a cowboy or some shit like that. Maybe he was watching too many Clint Eastwood movies, or maybe he was reading too much Cormac McCarthy, maybe he was listening to too much Marty Robbins. Either way he whipped out his own guns and began firing into the crowd, shouting and hollering like a drunk as he ran through the security team. Obviously every single shot missed, but somehow the team had such piss-poor aim that they missed every single shot fired at the French fuck. 

“Goodbyé cok sukairs!” he laughed and bellowed, taking every single unhinged baby onesie with him. 

Outside the parking lot, a horse was tied to one of the parking posts. It likely belonged to some Amish family, even though they probably don’t have those in the UK. Either way, he climbed onto the horse and unleashed it, giving it a kick to the reer and shouting “YEEEHAW!” as he rode into the sunset. 

Meanwhile a man had just walked out of the nearby Bass Pro, watching as the ginger stole his horse. 

Seras could only sigh once again, absolutely fed up with this dumb bitch she called her mate. She went up front to pay for the ridiculous amount of baby clothes she bought, all ranging from newborn to two years. Even though TJ Maxx is notorious for cheap yet decent-looking clothes, her total still racked up to $748.20.

She only hummed to herself as she whipped out her credit card, which in fact wasn’t hers. In passing, Heinkel and Yumiko gave it to her and told her to go crazy with it. So she did, of course, unaware it belonged to Iscariot’s Bishop Makube. Whatever, she didn’t really give a shit at the moment. 

“Is this all for you?” the underpaid teenager asked as she scanned every single item, obviously tired and broke. 

“No, it’s for my butler and my master. The baby shower is tomorrow, and I’m very excited!” she beamed, her shopping cart filled to the absolute brim. 

“Oh, nice.” The teenager nodded, scanning the card, “And here’s your receipt, have a nice day.”

“You too!” Seras grinned, showing off her fangs. She left the store excited and giddy, the entire drive home thinking about how exciting the baby shower is going to be! 

She then looked at the two cab doors on her truck, realizing that Hellsing really needed another vehicle for external purposes. Maybe she would tell the master that.

---

“Sir Integra.” 

The woman was shaken awake by the voice of her butler, towered over her sleepy and exhausted form. She stirred awake and realized she had left her computer on, left on the Facebook Marketplace tab. In embarrassment she quickly clicked back onto the homepage, letting out a hesitant noise. 

“Yes Walter?” 

“We’ve received some…strange mail.” Walter cleared his throat, laying five cards on the desk, “Invites- to a baby shower.”

Integra let out a groan of exhaustion and annoyance and took one of the cards, flipping it inside and out. As she read the letter, her eyes widened and her forehead scrunched in surprise and anger. 

The invite had a crude picture of Alucard and Walter and Anderson photo-shopped on top of a Quan Millz cover. 

”GUESS WHO’S PREGNANT? US!!!”

”Baby in Bloom: Celebrate Alucard and Walter’s happy little accident! Saturday; Party starts at 5pm, bring your own alcohol and cigarettes. The Baby Daddy of the Bumps will be there!!! Gender reveal at 6pm.”

”YOU ARE INVITED!!!”

“(- Heinkel and Yumiko)”

“I have no involvement in this, Sir Integra. It appears to be the work of those Vatican Assassins once again.” Walter cleared his throat in embarrassment, his form slowly shifting to his young adult form, “Do you plan to go? I think it might be good to get out of the house.” 

“I thought Alucard ABORTED THE STUPID THING!!” she snarled, tearing the invite to a million pieces. “Now Iscariot knows and they’re PLANNING a stupid party to CELEBRATE!” 

“I apologize for this, Sir Integra. I don't know how this even became public-” 

“I’m not worried about you, Walter.” She spun around in her chair, her eyes narrowing on his bump. “I feel pity every time I look at you, and for all you've been through, being with a child isn't the worst thing so far.”

“It’s a matter of who's the father actually-”

“I know Hans has been living in your quarters, and I’ll permit it so long as I never see him. Out of sight, out of mind.” she went back to her computer, flipping the tab back to Facebook Marketplace, “Since I hear you’re having more than one child, I’ve been looking at accommodations for your growing family.” 

Walter looked surprised and flabbergasted, “Sir Integra- you must not-”

“Too late! I’ve already messaged the seller. I think Hellsing needs another personal vehicle anyhow.”

Before him, a listing for a gently used minivan with six backseats and two mini TV’s in the back. It looked brand new with black leather seats and a pristine white exoskeleton with not a dent or scratch to be found. It was really nice despite the ridiculous price the seller was offering. 

“And what about Alucard?"

“He can drive Seras’ beat-up truck, and I’ll get her something nicer.” she hissed, slamming her computer shut, “Now Walter, I have one more order for you.” 

“Yes, Sir Integra?” 

That angry expression faded, turning more into mischief, “Let the Iscariots know I’m coming to the shower.”

A faint smile crept up his face and he nodded, “I will, no worries.”