Archive of Our Own ^beta

It was hard to pinpoint when Sakura’s romantic feelings for Kakashi shifted from occasional curiosity to steady yearning. Was it their first meeting of book club, when she discovered that his love for reading delved deeper than Icha Icha? Or did the slow amalgamation of all his endearing qualities simply become too large to ignore one day?

Whatever the cause, she was determined not to let her longing grow bitter. She’d had more than her fair share of experience pining after people. This time it would be different. Even if what Kakashi intimated turned out to be a misunderstanding, she would not let her heart be so easily bruised. She would not let their years of friendship go down the drain over a little heartbreak.

I look forward to fixing them.

That’s what he had said when she apologized for sharing her romantic woes with him. She was almost certain it meant that he was interested in her, but either way she had made up her mind about being the first to make an advance.

Her mission out of the village was a success. Naruto had given her a relatively nonthreatening one for obvious reasons, but the fact that he was regaining his faith in her made her proud.

She had spent a week in Suna bringing their iryou-nin up to speed on a new technique she’d developed. They had taken to it quickly, and therefore her trip had been shorter than expected. That was just fine with her. Kakashi probably had the next book picked out like she had asked, so there was a good excuse to head to his apartment right after reporting back to the Hokage’s office.

Unfortunately, she encountered several obstacles along the way. One involved nearly tripping over Gai’s wheelchair because she had been daydreaming about what was underneath Kakashi’s mask for the hundredth time. And then Gai tried to engage her in conversation about their mutual friend because she informed him of her forthcoming visit. It took about thirty minutes before she managed to get away from that conversation.

The second obstacle was Sai, whose appearance was decidedly less coincidental than Gai’s. Sakura wrestled with her fight or flight response when he walked over to her with determination in his step.

“Uh…hello, Sai.”

His face was placid as ever, but she noticed he was in shinobi attire, not casual clothing.

“Can I help you?” she asked, trying to keep her voice amicable. It had taken a lot of work to stop being acerbic to people every time they spoke to her.

“Ino heard you were back in the village and told me to find you.”

Sakura shifted in place. “What does she want?”

“A few months ago you two proposed what I believe is called a ‘girl’s night’.”

Right. They were attempting to mend what Sakura had believed to be a completely broken relationship. A while back, Ino spotted her in a restaurant and nearly went into shock when she saw her ask the waiter for a lemonade instead of alcohol. Sakura’s mouth froze over the rim of the glass as they locked eyes. After she finished her meal, Ino approached her outside and made awkward small-talk. It ended with them reminiscing on all the sleepovers they’d had. Those had become more and more infrequent as they grew older and sipping on one or two glasses of wine turned into Sakura getting drunk off the whole bottle.

“Did you not hear me?” he asked.

“Sorry. Um. Tell her I can do any Friday evening this month.”

Sai’s round, black eyes bored into her for what felt like a whole minute but was probably ten seconds, and Sakura grew impatient.

“I’ve got somewhere to be,” she explained. “Goodbye, and thank you for reminding me.”

“Inojin asked after you the other day.”

She blinked, quite taken aback by the name. “What for?”

“He became a genin in January.”

Time flies, she thought. A pang of regret hit her when she realized she had not attended his academy graduation.

“He mentioned wanting to learn some iryou-ninjutsu since neither Chouchou nor Shikadai have any interest in it,” Sai told her.

She elected to ignore the mention of Shikamaru’s son. “Ino knows enough to teach him.”

“Yes, but only some. He wondered if you would help him, even though you two haven’t seen each other in a long time.” Sai’s expression and tone disobeyed his reserved nature, and she felt a bit guilty for irritating him. He wasn’t blind to her distaste for him, but he had sought her out in spite of it.

“Ino and I can discuss it when we get together. Don’t promise him anything yet, though. I don’t know what my availability will be,” she said.

Sai gave her a short nod. “Thank you.”

For the first time in years, Sakura felt something almost like tenderness for him, and she wanted to reach out and pat his arm. Back in the day, he would most likely have looked down at her hand in vexation, which would then give way to quiet happiness. Now it would just make him tense.

“I won’t keep you any longer. Goodbye,” he said in a clipped voice.

“…Goodbye, Sai.”

He turned and left. His walk seemed a bit lighter than it had when he approached her. She, on the other hand, felt burdened by their talk, and it took a minute to pull herself together before moving on.

Although Sakura had several bodily complaints that needed tending to, she had no trouble dismissing them for the time being. Would she rather have been freshly showered when she showed up to Kakashi’s apartment? Yes, but the man had seen her in all manner of disarray before. A few grains of sand and sweat stains on her shirt were nothing.

She knocked hard on his front door – more of a pounding, really. Perhaps she was overly excited to see him.

Kakashi answered her call a moment later. He was laidback as usual, but there was a twinkle in his eye.

“I could have heard you knocking on the other side of the village,” he said.

She grinned at him, feeling some of her anxiety quiet. “Hi!”

“Hello,” he replied, brow wrinkling in bemusement. “You’re abnormally happy today.”

“It’s because I’m seeing you, dummy. Can’t a girl smile when she sees someone she likes?”

He froze imperceptibly before gesturing her inside. She left her sandals outside, finding them too dirty to put on his floor. It felt amazing to be barefoot for first time in three days.

“So,” she said, surveying his living room, which was no different than when she’d last stepped foot in it.

“So.”

“I did come here for the book obviously, but…” She glanced at him, weighing the risks of asking him out.

He arched a brow. “But?”

“I thought we could hang out. It’s been a while since we’ve done something not book-cub related, and I could use the company.”

There. She had framed it as a favor for her, not a date.

Wait, was that worse?

“Sure,” he said, seeming unfazed. “Do you want to go out or stay in? You must be tired.”

“Oh, uh…” She blinked at him, having expected more resistance. Cajoling Kakashi into doing stuff (even stuff he wanted to do) had been a long-term practice for all that knew him.

“Why don’t you clean up, and I’ll get some food. The kid who works at that noodle place up the street always gives me a discount.”

While she tried to figure out what he meant by ‘clean up’, he picked up an empty teacup from the table and walked over to the sink to wash it.

“You can use the shower, Sakura, it won’t hurt you.”

She blushed and mumbled something nonsensical in response before slipping into his bathroom.

It was neat and tidy like the rest of his home. Everything had a place, and everything was in its place. Toothbrush in its holder, bristles facing outward. Hand towel hung neatly over the rack, with two fluffy white towels on the row beneath. Dog-patterned bathmat dry and not crooked. Shampoo with its lid snapped shut, soap on a draining rack, tiles free of all blemishes – it was immaculate. Sakura felt a little embarrassed by the state of her own bathroom, which she had thought looked pretty decent. In comparison to his, it was a pigsty.

Thankfully the handles in the shower were the same as hers, so she had no trouble getting the temperature right. The spray of hot water was like a soothing balm for her soul, and she scrubbed herself vigorously until the phantom sensation of sand was banished.

It was only when she stepped out of the shower that she realized she had no clean clothes. Putting on the ones that were gross from travel sounded like sensory horror.

“Kakashi?” she called meekly from within the bathroom.

“I left some clothes right outside,” he said.

Her arm shot out from the door and snatched up whatever was there. She inspected the items and found herself pleased with them. A soft pair of lounge pants and a long-sleeved uniform shirt. She would have to put her dirty underwear back on, but that was a discomfort she could withstand for the time being.

Her stomach felt all fluttery as she slipped on his clothes. Kakashi was just being kind, of course, but this was a sort of intimacy they had never ventured into before. She could remember being wrapped in one of his jackets a few times when her own was lost or torn to shreds, but outerwear was different.

Sakura squeezed the excess water from her hair and braced herself to meet him. The shirtsleeves had needed to be rolled up three times, but the drawstring on his pants was pulled to its limit. They simply had different bodies, she tried to tell herself. There was nothing wrong with hers, even though it was no longer the lean form of her youth.

Working on her eating patterns was slow going. Going almost a whole day without eating and then binging at random times used to be the norm for her. Cooking for herself had seemed like a monumental task, so instead of taking the time to prepare food, she had just rolled out of bed and headed straight for the hospital. She recognized now that running on low fuel had exacerbated her poor mental state back then, and the food she filled up on later had not provided the nutrition she needed.

Staying sober took precedence; finding balance in her diet was the next goal. She could probably burn away the fat if she set her mind to it, but she thought it unwise to experiment in that way, especially because the longterm effects of alcohol on her body already required consistent healing. She had also vowed to never use a constant Henge to look young and perfect, as Tsunade did.  All that left was creating better habits and being kind to herself.

Kakashi had already set the coffee table with bowls and cups and arranged the take-out boxes around it. He was sitting cross-legged on the floor patiently.

Sakura smiled at him. “Thank you for this. I’ll pay next time.”

“I think I’ve skipped out on the bill enough times in your life to warrant buying you dinner for the rest of it.”

That was true. He did have a habit of dining and dashing.

“Come. Sit.” He patted the spot adjacent to him.

Her stomach growled loudly when the savory scent of the noodles filled her nostrils. She apologized to him for it, but he just laughed.

As they ate, she became keenly aware of the proximity of their bodies. Underneath the strong smell of the food, she caught a whiff of something floral on Kakashi. It couldn’t have been her hair, because she had used that unscented shampoo in his shower.

“Kakashi,” she said, eyes narrowing.

His gaze slid sideways to meet hers. “Yes?”

“Did you recently use that Floral Green shampoo that Pakkun and I liked?”

“He still likes it.”

“You’re deflecting. I don’t need a dog nose to tell what it is! I can smell that stuff from a mile away. It’s potent.” She shuddered, feeling horrible nostalgia at the reminder of it.

“I used the last of the bottle yesterday. I figured it was worth a try if Pakkun liked it so much. Doesn’t my hair look nice?” He ran his hands through it, forming the strands into spikes that stuck straight off his head like a porcupine.

Sakura stared open-mouthed at his impromptu hairstyle for a moment before laughing. The way Kakashi’s eyes softened suggested he had been anticipating that happy response from her.

As her amusement tapered off, she prepared herself to enter more personal territory.

“What’s on your mind?” he asked. Her contemplative expression must have given her away.

“Kakashi…before you left the other day, after book club, you said something. And I’ve been thinking about it ever since then.”

His fingers fumbled slightly on his chopsticks, and he set them down beside his bowl.

“You were serious, right? You weren’t joking?” she asked. Her voice was vulnerable but unwavering.

Kakashi took a few seconds to respond. At first, he avoided her question, but Sakura was patient and trusted the direction he was going in.

“We’ve known each other for twenty years, and you’ve shared things with me that you intended to take to your grave. I can’t help but feel that we’ve grown very close because of it. I…”

His voice became a bit breathier.

“I enjoy spending time with you, Sakura. And you seem to feel the same way.”

The butterflies in her stomach returned, albeit in a quieter way. She chose not to speak yet, wanting him to finish his train of thought.

“It was presumptuous of me to say what I did, but I meant it. If you’re really interested in having that sort of relationship with someone…”

She nodded, gently persuading him to go on.

“The closest thing I ever had to romance ended horribly enough to put me off it for more than thirty years, so I’m just as in the dark as you. I’m not going to pretend that I’m capable of being the dashing prince or handsome rogue from the books we read. I can only offer myself as I am. But…you seem to like me well enough as I am, and I like you exactly as you are too.”

Some point during his confession, Sakura’s eyes had grown damp, and presently a few tears were rolling gracefully down her cheeks. She used to hate when she couldn’t suppress her emotions, but Kakashi had never made her feel lesser when she cried.

She took a few deep breaths to steady herself before responding. “I was just going to ask you on a date. You outdid me.”

The rigidity of his posture released all at once, and he let out a small laugh.

“I feel the same,” she told him. “I want you just as you are, Kakashi. And I can’t express how much your acceptance means to me. I – I wouldn’t be here without you. I wouldn’t want to be here without you.”

Sakura almost said she loved him, but that moment of impulse passed. She was glad for it. Those words should be saved for the future – a future where she was stronger than now.

One of his slender, powerful hands came to rest on top of hers. Her hand was dwarfed by his, but stronger and rougher. His touch was soothing, and each tiny stroke of his thumb sent a pleasant warmth radiating through her arm.

“So is that a yes?” she asked quietly.

He hummed, sounding far away.

“You’ll go out with me?”

His eyes unclouded, and a hint of blush peeked out from the top of his mask. “Yes,” he said.

Her tears dried into sticky tracks on her face, but she didn’t leave the table to freshen up. Kakashi held her hand for some time after, the two of them eating in companionable silence.

People stared boldly at them on their walk. There were several reasons Sakura could think of for their interest. 

One: Not too long ago she’d been somewhat infamous for looking and acting like a mess. So, in the present, each time she came across a familiar face, their surprise grew and ability to conceal it weakened.

Two: Kakashi was a bit of a recluse, and their meetings had always been private. The last time it was normal for them to be seen together was the war.

Three: They both seemed so content in each other’s presence that one couldn’t help but be curious about the nature of their relationship.

Sakura wasn’t bothered by the speculation. It was nobody’s business but her own for now.

For their first date, she and Kakashi had decided to take a leisurely stroll around the village, finding it best to ease into their relationship. They’d stopped by a café early on to grab drinks. Kakashi had drained his coffee in seconds, but she was still sipping on her iced peach tea.

They spoke mostly of mundane things. When he asked her how her week was going, she went on an impassioned rant about the jounin who couldn’t seem to stay in their hospital beds, knowing full well how many times he had done the same.

When it was his turn to share, he recounted the adventure he’d had with Gai several days prior. Sakura never ceased to be amazed by the sheer willpower Gai possessed and how he endeavored to do things most would find impossible. In his wheelchair, he was still in better shape than half the shinobi in Konoha.

As their loop around the village came to an end, Sakura stopped and grabbed Kakashi’s hand. If he was taken aback by the gesture, he didn’t show it.

They were standing beneath the shade of a blossoming tree that provided as much privacy as they were likely to get in public. She set her tea down in the grass and smoothed her dress before looking straight at him.

“Can I kiss you?” she asked, taking a leap of faith.

He blinked several times, and his Adam’s apple bobbed up and down beneath his mask. His silence put a flicker of doubt in her. Was it too soon?

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea yet.”

Her face flushed at the rebuttal, but she stood her ground regardless. “Why not?” she asked.

He shifted his weight from one leg to the other and brought a hand to the back of his head. Ruffling his hair was the most common indication of nervousness in him.

“I’m not backing out of this,” he told her.

“But?”

He sighed. “I was your sensei, Sakura, and…I’m old. You said so yourself.”

She gaped at him before bursting into protest. “I was half-kidding when I said that! You’re in your mid-forties, not seventies! Jiraiya-sama was in incredible shape when he was a decade older than you. Besides, I can always cure whatever aches and pains you develop. Your age doesn’t bother me, Kakashi.”

“I already have ‘aches and pains’.”

“Then I’ll start healing you as soon as we get home,” she said dismissively.

“My body has aged harder than it looks, Sakura.”

“As if that matters to me! I’m still fixing the damage I did to myself from drinking like a fish for years. And I’m one of the best iryou-nin around.”

“You are the best,” he corrected.

“Point in case. I didn’t treat myself regularly like Tsunade-sama did, so now I’m having to work carefully to try and reverse it. It would be a fun learning experience if it were someone else’s body that was so fucked,” she said. The conversation had taken an uncomfortable turn, but it was prudent to lay these things on the table now instead of bottling them up for a later argument.

Kakashi’s brow was pinched. He didn’t like when she spoke of herself this way, even when he knew it wasn’t true self-deprecation. He opened his mouth to reply, but she cut him off before he could get a single word out.

“Listen! If there’s something else bothering you, please tell me, but don’t turn me away for a reason as silly as that. I don’t care that you were my sensei twenty years ago. And if other people don’t like it, they can kiss my fists.”

She took a step toward him, daring to place her hands on his arms. His body was stiff in her hold, but she did not release him.

“I don’t expect marriage or kids or – or anything, just what we have right now. I just want your company,” she said, with as much conviction she could.

He hesitated for a painfully long minute, during which she had to fight tooth and nail against herself not to run away. Before she lost her will, his hands raised slowly, and she watched with bated breath as he inched his mask down.

Her eyes darted fervidly over his naked face, committing every detail to memory. The bridge of his nose was straight and slightly narrow. His mouth was wider than hers, the lips perfectly full. On the left side of his chin lay a single black beauty mark that her fingers itched to reach out and touch. In addition to the crow’s feet she saw on a regular basis, there were creases on his cheeks from smiling.

It was patently unfair how attractive he was.

“If you keep staring, I’ll get insecure.”

“Oh, please. You know exactly what that face does to people,” she said, puffing up with fake indignation for effect.

The gleam of humor in his eye proved her right.

“I can’t believe I’ve been denied your beauty for so many years. This is why you wear the mask, isn’t it? You’re too pretty.”

“My good looks are too powerful a weapon, I suppose.” His lips quirked upward, and she knew that each time he smiled from there on, she would be thinking of how stunning it looked without the mask.

Sakura cupped his face, feeling his sharp jawline and the slope of his cheekbones. He blushed deeper as she explored the part of him no one ever got to see.

She couldn’t spend a second longer without her mouth pressed against his.

It was evident from the first brush of their lips that neither of them really knew what they were doing, but somehow it made the moment all the more perfect. The tip of his nose mashed against hers and her teeth almost cut his bottom lip, but as the seconds passed, they adjusted.

His arms looped around her waist and drew her flush against his chest. The knowledge that the only thing standing between them were two pieces of fabric spurred her to deepen the kiss. When she heard a small, pleased sound bubble up from his throat, she took a small gasp of air before hungrily returning to him.

They forced themselves to stop before things got too heated. The poor tree they were counting on to conceal them couldn’t disguise everything.

Kakashi withdrew after pressing a final kiss to her lips. She was not upset when he pulled his mask back up; it was an honor to have seen it at all.

Sakura found her voice after a moment. “So that was my first kiss.”

“Did it live up to your wildest dreams?” he teased. “I remember how disappointed you were in Misaki.”

The build up to the kiss between the two main characters had been excellent, but the act itself was so lackluster that she had almost thrown the book across the room.

“It was perfect,” she declared. “Not Misaki-like at all. Now we just have to top this one.”

His eyes widened at the praise, and then he threw his head back and laughed. Sakura tilted her head, not understanding what was so funny, but she appreciated the gesture anyway. It was rare to hear him laugh in such a hearty manner.

They reluctantly departed from their secret spot, both heading in different directions. Before they were out of each other’s sight, they turned to say one last goodbye. She didn’t let herself get downhearted about it.

Because their goodbye was only for today, and their first kiss just one of many. In the years to come, Kakashi would kiss her well and often. What he had said about Misaki in that book club meeting was right.

It’s just the beginning of a lifetime of kisses.