Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It's been months since they broke up, they agreed that it would be for the best, they aren't the same as they were before the accident.

He lost two years of his life, spent two years in a dark void completely alone, and as much as it hurts he knows that Sieun, his Sieun, no longer is the same as the one Suho knew, the one he fell so hard for. Sieun has new people now, new friends, new support, he doesn't need Suho anymore. It's clear.

It's been months since they broke up, so why does he still feel the same? Why does his heart skip a beat when his eyes catches those that hold all the stars in the universe in them? Why does his mouth open to call out baby at someone he's no longer allowed to call baby? Why does his heart break, no not even break it's the kind of hurt that a starving stomach feels.

His heart is starved of the love only Sieun could, would, give him. Why does he feel like he's only an empty shell of the Suho before the accident, before the breakup, before getting left behind.

He knew when he picked up the pencil case that accidentally fell to the floor, that Sieun was his soulmate, that Suho was made for Sieun. Made to make those eyes glitter with all the stars, to make the corners of his mouth lift into a smile.

So why is he no longer allowed to do that, why is his soulmate pushing him away?

If Suho could get one wish that could get granted, he would wish that the pencil case never fell, that those baseball players tried to attack him outside, or in the cafeteria, anywhere where Sieun wouldn't be.

If he's being selfish he would wish to go back to that day he and Wooyoung was gonna fight. But there's no telling that something similar wouldn't happen.

That Suho wouldn't get put in a coma another way, that he would float around in the dark void—like a leaf moving to its death the moment it falls down from the safety of the three down into the river underneath it.

If he could get one wish that could get granted, he would wish for Sieun to forget him, forget who he is, who is was, just so Suho could admire him without the other running away like Suho is a monster, something disgusting, someone you don't want.

Because then Sieun would have no opinion about him, because he wouldn't know him. Yes it would hurt Suho, it would kill him, to be the only one remembering.

But to get suffocated by the love he feels for Sieun, would feel like someone forcing roses down his throat until he can't breathe, but he would be embraced by the romantic scent of the roses and the thorns in his throat would be forgotten because Sieun wouldn't remember.

Sieun is similar to a rose, maybe that's why roses kill him in his head.

He's pretty, just like a rose, people gather around to get a closer look. Not noticing the thorns on the stem until your hands are bleeding, until your hands are scratched.

The thorns make people throw the rose away, who wants something pretty that will hurt you? Suho does, maybe that's why he gets pushed away.

Maybe Sieun doesn't want to hurt him. But can't he see that Suho slowly dies, whither away until he's nothing.

It's been months since they broke up, they agreed that it would be for the best. But did they really, Suho can't remember anymore, he doesn't even know who he is anymore.

The door to his bedroom is locked, his grandma continues to leave plates of food outside it, only to replace a filled plate with another.

He doesn't have the energy to push himself up from the bed, he pretends it's because of the coma. He doesn't wanna think about the fact that he's depressed, that he has lost the will to live.

That his will to live walked away with Sieun, and his new friends, it poked its tongue back at him, mocking him when it walked away with the love of his life.

He doesn't wanna think about who Sieun is with now, so he turned his phone off, threw it somewhere in the darkness of his room, before burying himself deeper under the mountain of blankets.

No one would bother him even if he turned the phone on, he doesn't have any friends.

He's alone, so utterly alone.

Maybe he already died, maybe he's just a sad ghost pretending to be human.

He's fucking pathetic.

He can't even cry anymore, its like his body has given up on him. He understands it, who would wanna waste time on someone like him.

It's been months since they broke up. So why does he expect Sieun to show up, show up and gather him up in a hug.

Sieun wouldn't, he probably thinks he's disgusting, he can't remember the last time he showered or brushed his teeth.

He can't be bothered anymore. He's chained to his bed, maybe he'll get freed if his pulse slow down until it stops, until his heart stops beating.

Maybe that would be better.

The world has already moved on, it's only him, Ahn Suho being left behind, he's already stopped existing.

so if he actually pull the plug there would be no difference, because he's already dead.

A lonely dead flower in a vase, forgotten on a high shelf, surrounded by dust and darkness.

He's disgusting, he's alone, he's broken, no one loves him, his first and last love left him.

They agreed that it would be for the best, they aren't the same as they were before the accident.

Maybe Suho is the problem, his parents left him, his first and last love left him, he has no friends, no one cares about him, his grandma..he just makes her life harder.

He should really just do it, end it all, he searched it up before.

What medication he would need to overdose, it's surprisingly easy to find what medication and how high of a dose he would need. Especially since he has lost weight.

If Suho could get one wish that could get granted, he would wish that the pencil case never fell.

Maybe he would still end up dead, a forgotten withering flower on a dusty shelf, a corpse suffocated by thorny roses.

But his first and last love would be alright, he wouldn't know, he wouldn't care. Not that Suho thinks Sieun cares about him anymore.

He likes imagining it, Sieun caring about him, stopping him from doing what his mind begs of him, stopping him from putting a straight razor to his thighs, stopping him for withering away.

In his mind, Sieun would take him down from the dusty shelf, give him water, put him in the sunlight.

He's so tired, he wonders if he will fall down into hell immediately or if he'll get put in a waiting room, get a tag with a number, waiting until his number ring, meeting someone who informs him of his sins before he gets pushed down into hell, someone like him surely fits there, someone disgusting. It's sad he wouldn't see Sieun, Sieun who would go to heaven, he would fit there, in the white clothes.

It's been months since they broke up. And Suho still wants to die. He wants to end it all, he doesn't wanna be alive when his soulmate isn't with him. He wants to grab all the medication in his room and force them down his throat like the thorny roses. But he can't gather enough strength to push himself up from the bed, so he turns around, faces the wall and fall asleep.

Missing the soft knock on his door, too soft to be his grandma.

Chapter Text

Sieun could tell that the coma had changed Suho, he lost two years of his life—while Sieun's moved forward even if it didn't feel like it. He has found new people, new friends. Suho would fit right in with them—with both his loudness and calmness.

When Suho was comatose—when the only noise coming from him was the steady heartbeats filling the silence. The only thing Sieun wanted was for the other—what did Suho call them? Soulmates?— for his soulmate to wake up.

Suho did wake up. But it feels like only his body is awake, his mind is locked behind thick walls that Sieun can't break through. Sieun knew that the other would be different, that the energized boy would be tired and confused. He was ready to take care of the other.

Taking care of Suho, like one would with a flower from a first date, putting it in a vase with water, placing the vase on a windowsill so it can get all the sunlight it would need. Sieun would make sure that the flower never has any dust on it and give it fresh water every day.

They agreed to pause their relationship so Suho could focus on getting better—so the other wouldn't feel bad for not having energy for their dates. They mutually agreed in the pause, that they didn't end their relationship. They just put it on a pause.

Sieun still text the taller one every day, wanting to share his daily life with the other. Suho used to react with a heart in each message, even the ones with questions for him—questions that never got an answer. Sieun doesn't push, never pushes him, he understands that his flower is exhausted.

But now, and for a week, his message isn't even getting read. His calls goes immediately to voicemail.

Sometimes Sieun calls just to hear Suho before the coma.

If Sieun could get one wish granted, he would wish for his past self to not let Suho get to the fight. Keep him safe in his lonely apartment.

Sieun still loves Suho, will forever love Suho. He will never let his flower get any dust on its vibrant petals, won't let it wilt for even a second. He will buy his flower plant food if he needs to.

Sieun will take care of his flower.

Everything Sieun does he does with Suho in mind.

The package of sponges sitting in his backpack? He bought them so he could help Suho shower, if the other let's him.

The unhealthy amount of energy bars? Suho needs to eat something, an energy bar is better than nothing.

The two plushies of a dog and cat? So Suho doesn't get lonely.

The hoodie Sieun has worn for weeks? For Suho to wear. Sieun even bought it in the other's size.

Sieun didn't want to push the other, but weeks has gone by since they agreed on the pause. But Suho's behavior is worrying him. So he will push, Suho will listen whether he wants to or not.

His backpack is already filled with stuff for Suho.

Standing in front of Suho's bedroom door, he feels sure with his choice. Next to his feet is a filled plate, the food has gone cold—probably been cold since this morning.

The door is locked. Sieun isn't surprised.

His soft knock goes unanswered but he hear a heavy sigh get suffocated in the duvet.

Would Suho's grandmother get mad if Sieun screw the door off its hinges? That's for future Sieun to learn.

Suho has always made Sieun weird.

He pretends he hasn't imagined this exact scenario before, that in those fantasies Sieun couldn't get in. Couldn't reach his flower. Maybe that's why grabbed the screwdriver before he left?

Suho's room is a mess. Clothes are covering the floor, his phone is laying on the floor like it's been thrown without a care. The air is stale, it can't be good for Suho. Sieun walks over to the window to open it—letting a faint breeze enter the room, letting the blinds stay down.

Sieun walks over to Suho, who is buried beneath the duvet and a mountain of blankets. The other is facing the wall, breathing softly, murmuring nonsense in his sleep.

Suho looks like a mess. He has lost weight, his eyes has dark circles and heavy bags, his lips are cracked and bleeding. His poor flower.

Sitting down next to the sleeping boy. He runs his hands through the slightly longer hair. It's dirty and oily but Sieun doesn't care. Suho sighs in his sleep. He continues to run his hand through the other's hair until Suho wakes up.

Sieun catches the moment Suho realizes that he isn't alone, that someone is sitting next to him. Sieun feel his heart break, completely shatter, when he notes the hopeful expression. Like Suho can't believe that Sieun is here.

"Did you sleep good?" His voice is low and soft but it still make the taller one flinch like he's been struck.

Suho doesn't answer.

Sieun didn't expect one.

Sieun leans over Suho, leaving soft kisses over his face. A long one on his forehead, his slightly red nose gets a small kiss. Lips gently touch closed eyelids—they both ignore the tears escaping. His sunken cheeks gets showered in light kisses. Reaching the dry peeling lips Sieun tries to pour all his love and care into the kiss.

His love sobs at the kisses. The sobs make his whole body jerk. Sieun gather him up into a tight hug, letting Suho sob against him. The duvet and blankets falls around Suho's hips, light scars, new and old, take place in arms they shouldn't be on, the sight makes Sieun rub his back harder.

"I love you Suho. Never forget that, I'll remind you every day if I need to. I love you. Thank you for still being here. I'm proud of you"