Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

August 25th, 2005

Illi was weird, and she’d always fucking known it. So had her brother. And all the people who once called themselves her friends. It’s not her fault she wasn’t smart, and was popular, and was born a guy but just wasn’t anymore. But all that didn’t matter anymore, because she had been sent away from her home in LA, all the way to fucking New Jersey of all places, cause her parents deemed the one person who would actually interact with her a “distraction”. That person was Illi’s brother Mikey, Illi had always assumed that most parents would be happy to have their kids be friends. But apparently that wasn’t true. At least not for the Ways. And that would be, the exact, precise, reason why Illi was at an airport right now. Waiting, to get picked up by the people she was staying with. one of her mom’s friends, Linda, and her son Frank, the Lero family or something.

Illi walked out of the baggage claim, visibly sulking, looking for the person with her name on a sad looking piece of paper. It wasn’t long before Illi spotted that person, a short, punk looking kid, with spiky hair and two facial piercings that Illi applauded his bravery for. She walked up to him. For god knows what reason, she seemed to be dreading this a little less. He seemed cool, cute even, but he probably had a preconceived notion of how weird she was. He probably already wanted nothing to do with her. “Hey, uh…your Illi right?” The guy asked, breaking her out of her thoughts. “Uh, yes, yeah I am.” Illi responded “you must be Frank Lero?”. “Yeah you could say that…I’m Frank, not Lero though. My last names Iero. Like…..” he trailed off presumably due to lack of comparison. “I think I get it” Illi chimed in. “So we live together now?” She continued, I guess he wouldn’t be the worst person to live down the hall from, it could be fun, maybe they like the same things, and worse comes to worse Illi will just ignore him till they send her back to LA. “Yeah, uh fuck we do” Frank said. Illi looked at him confused. “No! I mean I didn’t meant it was a bad thing that we live together now just that I haven’t fully processed it and in theory it seems kinda weird you know, living with someone you’ve never met?”. Illi blinked, yeah she understood, she just also thought that it was kinda cute when he rambled on like that. “Uhm so we should go.” Frank said pointing to the door that lead to the parking lot. “Yeah, yeah we should.” Illi agreed, she was enjoying talking with Frank, maybe they would talk more later.

———

In the car Linda, Franks mom didn’t talk very much, just greeted Illi and told Frank to put her bags in the trunk of the car. Now they were at Franks house, Illi was told her room was the door next to Franks. She walked into the room. It wasn’t much, off white walls, a queen sized bed in the corner, and a closet on the wall opposite the door. Illi promptly dragged her bags into the room before laying on the bed. At least it was comfortable. She considered calling Mikey before being startled by a knock on her wide open door. “Yes?” Illi whined, muffled partially by the pillow her face was smooshed into. “I can, uh leave you alone if you want……” the person who uselessly knocked on her door mumbled, it was Frank which made Illi perk up a bit. “I was wondering if you maybe would want to talk. In my room. We could uh listen to music or something? Kinda get to know each other?” Frank finished. “Yeah, yeah, that sounds nice” Illi said whilst sitting up. “I’ll just grab my art supplies and then walk over to your room.” To Illi that seemed like an invitation for Frank to leave, but apparently he was too dense to understand that. Frank kinda just stood there awkwardly in the rooms door frame before Illi made a shooing gesture and he left. Illi leaned back against the bed frame, sighing in relief, she wanted to talk to Frank but this all felt awkward. Everything felt awkward.

———-

Illi pointed to a poster on Franks wall “smashing pumpkins?” She asked. “You strike me as more of a punk rock kinda guy”. Frank looked at her “do you like them?” Frank asked “I struck you as more of a lady Gaga pop type of girl”. Illi stuck her tongue out at Frank “no, no, I much prefer smashing pumpkins. Billy Corgan is basically my dad” she said pointedly. Frank laughed “I see the resemblance”. She flashed him a glare and hoped it came across as joking as she intended it to. “What! I’m not bald! And I said basically my dad, not my actual dad” she giggled. “Same difference” Frank snorted before patting the spot on the bed next to where he sat. “wanna sit down?” He asked, “You’ve been in my room for like 20 minutes just standing”. Without further time to banter Illi full force flopped down next to Frank. He turned to her with a strangely shocked look on his face, Illi was shocked too, shocked on how comfortable she was in a short time.

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Over the past few weeks Illi had grown more comfortable around Frank, they really felt like friends. Frank was rather strange and the two of them liked the same things, but Illi would often catch him staring at her, before quickly looking away. It seemed odd but Illi brushed it off and tried to forget about it.

Frank had also grown more comfortable around Illi in the past few weeks. Some would say too comfortable. Right off the bat Frank had found Illi cute, with her shoulder length black hair and hazel eyes, close in color to his if not a little more green. But now it was different, once he got to know her even a bit he knew he was fucked. She was funny and really interesting in conversation, plus they shared a lot of interests, which was a big bonus. Frank didn’t know what to do, their interactions had been growing awkward with the amount of times Frank found himself lost in thought studying illi’s face.

Frank was lucky Illi was so completely oblivious.

——————
“Hey Illi!” Frank yelled “I made coffee, do you want some!?”. “Yeah, I’ll be downstairs in a minute!” She responded. Illi adjusted her shorts to fit more comfortably . “Ugh. If it wasn’t for my long hair and makeup I wouldn’t look like a girl at all…” she muttered, entirely to herself. she didn’t like wearing skirts to school so she resorted to wearing shorts, specifically the long ones, that either make you look like a 12 year old boy or a middle aged dad. She pulled a smashing pumpkins shirt over her head and reached for her mp3 player before rushing down the stairs. If it was up to her she would be having the whole pot of coffee, but Frank had already poured a mug for each of them so she just grabbed the one he set on the marble counter for her. “I didn’t know if you liked cream or sugar in your coffee so I just left them out.” Frank said sheepishly. He pointed to an area of the counter where a jar of sugar and carton of milk sat. Illi walked over and adjusted the coffee to her liking. “Thanks” she said. “Oh no problem, I always have left over coffee anyways.” Frank replied with a smile. Illi was so grateful for Frank, she wanted to walk right over to him and kiss him. but he probably wouldn’t like that. who would want some loser trans girl indefinitely invading their personal space to kiss them. The obvious answer in Illi’s head was no one ever. But maybe the answer is closer to one. and maybe that one might be Frank who would absolutely faint right in that little cramped kitchen if that were to happen.

Illi and Frank had a fifteen minute walk to school, it wasn’t totally awful so Illi tried to make the best of it. Illi swore she could feel someone’s eyes on her. She turned to Frank just to catch him staring. It felt like he was watching her all the time, like some creature who was tasked by the gods to observe her, that was cool. “So, uh…..” Frank muttered flusteredly “I…uh, I’ve kinda noticed you drawing a lot since you’ve, um got here….and I was wondering if you uh would maybe let me see your drawings?” Frank sputtered , it sounded rushed, almost as if it was one long, long word, but Illi understood. She thought for a minute, she would have to be careful and only show her older drawings. her older art mostly consisted of characters she liked and her brother. But the newer drawings seemed to all be of Frank. And she didn’t want him to think she was a creep and send her back to LA, not when she was just starting to enjoy it here.

After Frank asked Illi about her sketchbook she had quieted down. Frank could only assume she was thinking a way to turn him down politely. “Yeah, sure, you could see some of my drawings” Illi eventually said. “But uh not the newer ones, I’ve kinda been having art block lately you know? They aren’t that great”. Frank nodded his head, he was sure whatever Illi was drawing was amazing and she was just being hard on herself.

—————————————-

The school day flew by quickly, Frank was used to this school. He had tried to help Illi find her way around but he seemed to be forgetting things left in right. Frank was anxious around Illi and he knew exactly why, he just didn’t care to admit it, not even to himself. It was selfish to think about how he feels when right next to him Illi let out a choked sob. Frank turned his head to see Illi was crying softly, Frank put his hand on her shoulder. She turned to face him “W-what do you want?” She mumbled, wiping her eyes. Frank didn’t know what to say, so he pulled her into a hug. It was kinda weird hugging someone taller than you when trying to comfort them, then would have to lean way down just to place their head on your shoulder or your chest.

Illi tucked her head into Franks shoulder, “Can we, uh, y-know, go back to your house?” Illi said, barely above a whisper. “Yeah, yeah, definitely.” Frank was trying to reassure her. It was working somewhat, Frank thought, as Illi didn’t seem to be actively crying anymore. “We should, uh, get going….” Frank said.

——————

They were back at the house and Illi was curled up in Franks bed. Frank was curled around her, Illi liked it, she felt safe, like maybe Frank actually cared about her. Illi pulled Frank closer, it was weird, she didn’t want Frank to think this was anything but platonic. Illi’s head was tucked under Franks chin, her face pressed to his chest. She lifted her head slightly, “Is it okay if I stay in your room tonight?” She mumbled, hoping she didn’t sound desperate. was it wrong if she just didn’t want to be alone? Frank seemed caught off guard by her question, “yeah, sure” he answered. “I should, uh probably change.” Illi whispered. “Yeah, yeah you probably should”. Illi promptly got up and walked to her room to grab clothes. She grabbed a pair of shorts and a plain tank top. Illi didn’t like changing and She especially didn’t like showering. It made her feel sick to see herself, even in clothes, but especially without. Illi hugged herself anxiously and tugged at the hem of the shirt she was currently wearing. She sat down on the bed, not knowing what to do, wasting her time. ‘It’s not that bad’ she thought ‘and you don’t want Frank to think your weird saying your changing then showing up in the exact same clothes”, finally giving up on her pity party. She took of her clothes, and put the new ones on.

Illi’s return to Franks room was greeted with a small wave. She quickly sat down and pulled the blanket over herself. Frank and Illi were now sitting about as far across the bed from each other as they could be. Frank awkwardly put his arm around her and Illi scooted closer to him slouching down a bit more so she could rest her head on his chest, hoping her tank top didn’t ride up too much. For good measure she pulled the hem of it down awkwardly. “If it’s, uh, okay to ask, you never told me why you were crying earlier. If it’s, uh, not rude to ask I want to know.” Frank mumbled. “Oh it’s fine to ask” Illi wanted to curl up and die. “Just when I was leaving some kid called me a tranny”. Frank sat up abruptly, “who was it?” He said, he sounded way too angry, after all it was just some kid stating the obvious. “You don’t have to do anything. I don’t care anymore. It’s pretty obvious, I should have expected it.” Illi rested her head back on Franks shoulder. “How can you just not care?” Frank spoke quietly, “why would you just let them do that?”. Illi was confused why Frank cared so much. Frank looked oddly close to crying considering he wasn’t the one called a slur. “Illi, they made you cry, your my bestfriend I don’t want you to be upset”. Illi pulled Frank into a hug “it’s not your fault.” She mumbled into his hair. “You didn’t do anything. You made things better”. Why couldn’t Illi do anything around or with Frank without it seeming like a romantic gesture. It wasn’t like Illi didn’t want to be romantic with Frank, she just worried he was uncomfortable. Illi promptly released him from the hug and leaned back against Franks pillows. They sat in silence for a while while Illi tried to find the best way to fraise asking Frank to curl around her again. “Um Frank, do you mind if we lay the way we were before I left?” Illi asked shyly, embarrassed, but it was fucking embarrassing to ask your friend to ‘platonically’ cuddle with you. If Frank had appeared tense before he definitely softened a bit. A bit like room temperature butter, a weird comparison but the best Illi could come up with. “Yeah definitely, I’m going to take off my binder first though”. She looked at him confused, that was one of the last things she had expected him to say. Illi pointed to her chest “like a chest binder?” She asked cautiously. Frank glanced down “Um yeah, I assumed you could tell, or that your parents told you.” Frank said awkwardly, it reminded her of the way she had acted when she came out to her parents, like they were supposed to know already. Illi’s gaze flicked down to Franks chest then back to his face “no, can’t tell.” She said confidently. “You make a pretty boy.” Illi continued matter-of-factly. Frank blushed, and proceeded to blush even more when Illi kissed the top of his head….(platonically) . “You should take your binder off now, I’ve heard they’re bad to keep on for too long.” Illi said glancing down at the bed and then back up to Franks face again. “I won’t look. don’t worry.” Illi finished before stuffing her face into one of the pillows. She heard Frank giggle before his weight on the mattress shifted.

—————
“You can take your face out of the pillows now” Frank said. Illi sat up and opened her arms, “you said we could cuddle again” she mentioned when he hesitated. “God, you make it sound like where dating” he muttered, as if it was a bad thing. “So? No one is here to judge us” Illi responded sharply, moving her arms to her sides. “We know we are just friends so what the fuck does it matter?” She snapped. Frank looked down and started fidgeting with the hem of his shirt, tears were forming in the corners of his eyes. He didn’t mean to make Illi upset he had seen his comment as joking. “It’s fine” she said after a minute, “I don’t want you to be upset, I’m not mad”. Frank looked up and Illi opened her arms again. This time Frank didn’t try to joke about it, he didn’t want to be the reason Illi was upset again, he just sat on the bed and shuffled over to her. “You know how you said I make a pretty boy?” He asked and Illi nodded. “I think you make a pretty girl” he said, a lot more awkwardly then she had. Illi ducked her head into his chest, but he had noticed she was blushing. “Thank you” she mumbled “I don’t get told that a lot” Illi finished before hugging him tighter.

—————

Illi didn’t sleep much that night, but she was okay with that. She didn’t get much sleep most nights, and it was more enjoyable loosing sleep when you were curled up with someone you liked, running your fingers through their hair and occasionally kissing the top of their head or squeezing them a little tighter when they squirmed or flinched, presumably from a nightmare.

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Frank woke up to a rather disheveled looking Illi still curled up with him. Her hair was messy, curling at the ends, and her shorts had rode up a bit, as well as her tank top having slipped down a bit on one side, presumably due to the strap that had fallen off her shoulder. It took Frank a moment to realize he had started absentmindedly playing with the ends of her hair, she looked soft and sweet the way she was. Her cheeks still a bit tearstained from the night before. Frank took one of his hands and gently started to wipe away the stains, only for Illi to stir under his touch. He quickly pulled his hand away, worried he had woken her.He let out a long breath of relief when she didn’t open her eyes and instead just pulled the boy closer to her, nuzzling into his shoulder. She mumbled something inaudible in her sleep before squeezing him again and going still. He looked over his shoulder at the digital clock on his night stand, it read 7:42. Normally, even on a weekend, Frank would be up already (or about to get up) but he wanted to stay with Illi, so no matter how much it bothered him his schedule would be a little fucked up, he decided Illi deserved to sleep a little longer. He wasn’t dumb. he’d noticed how she’d been awake most of the night, mostly From the times He’d woken up throughout the night for one reason or another, Illi had always been awake and conscious kissing the top of his head and running her fingers through his hair. He’d at the time chosen to ignore this and fall back asleep, but he was starting to regret it. The more he looked at her the more he noticed how tired she was just from appearance. When he temporarily pulled away to get a good look at her face he noticed the dark circles under her eyes, and how she looked exhausted even while sleeping. Frank put her head back on his shoulder and she let out what sounded like a sigh of relief, moving her arms to be securely around his waist. Was she really this exhausted? Has she been like this all these days before and he hadn’t noticed? Frank felt bad, even though it wasn’t really his fault. Frank felt something soft and a little wet press up against his neck. Oh, oh, Illi had kissed his neck. “You awake?” He mumbled shutting his eyes tightly then opening them again. “Mhm” she whispered, it felt so strange, her breath was against his neck, he could feel her smiling even though he couldn’t see it. “Do you wanna get up, or do you just want to lay here?” He said, lying stiffly, worried if he moved she’d get up. “We can stay for a while. I’m sleepyy.” Illi murmured, god she was so cute, and sweet, and precious. He just wanted to stay cuddling with her forever. “Did you sleep at all last night?” He asked nervously. “Not really, I think I fell asleep around 5? 6? Maybe. I’m not really sure.” She sounded so tired (and maybe a bit delirious), like it was taking all her energy just to talk to him. It probably was. “Are you going to try and fall back asleep?” Frank questioned. “I would be, but some little shit is keeping me awake.” She giggled. That was that, more lying next to each other, The bitter-sweet thing that he loved but seemed was going to ruin his sleep schedule.

———……———

After a few hours of Illi falling asleep, then waking up 10 minutes later she decided it was time to give up on a good nights rest. She put both her hands on Franks shoulders and brought her face close to his “I’m ready to get up now.” She whispered. Frank sat up abruptly and Illi cocked her head to the side,“Am I really that scary?” She giggled. “No you just, uh, startled me.” He turned his face away from hers, it didn’t do much to hide Franks blushing. “I can tell your blushing you know.” Illi said pointedly, moving her hands from Franks shoulders to his cheeks, and turning his head to face her. “You don’t have to turn your head I think it’s cute.” She added. They sat in decently awkward silence for a minute or so before Frank broke it. “We should get up.” He muttered. “But what if I’m still tired.” She raised her eyebrows. “You literally said you were ready to get up!” He exclaimed, shaking his head. “Buttttt if you really want we can walk to the coffee shop, it’s like 10-ish minutes”. Illi grinned “that would be nice, but I don’t really have any money.” She made a gesture she hoped was reminiscent of opening a wallet and nothing coming out. “I’ll pay.” Frank said plainly, “for both of us”. “Reallyyyyy?” She asked. “Yeah sure.” He replied. “Thank you.” Illi said solemnly, giving Frank a quick kiss on the cheek. “I’ll get dressed!” She stood up and walked (very quickly) out of his room. Frank gave himself about 2 seconds before he face planted onto his pillow. Was he really just supposed to deal with this and act like it was normal? Something was bound to happen eventually. Something that had the full potential to ruin whatever friendship they had created in the past few weeks.

———…..———

Illi had gotten dressed quickly, she felt the need to be punctual to this event. Even if the event in question wasn’t even an event and was really just walking to get coffee with Frank. She should wear something simple, a dark purple skirt, brownish-blackish sheer tights, a ‘Siouxsie and the banshees’ shirt with a black and white striped long sleeve underneath, and her doc Martin Mary Jane’s that where so fucking uncomfortable but she needed to justify the $120 she spent on them. She walked out into the hall to see Frank waiting by the stairs, he tapped his wrist as if to say she was late. Illi giggled. “You better not be one of those people who gets like a rainbow sugar monstrosity, with six pounds of sugar and 26 shots of espresso.” He said, seemingly trying not to laugh at his own exaggeration. “So what if I am? You gonna ban we from sharing your bed? I’ll have to sleep in my own room where I have to fear the monsters in my closet?” She said, clearly over dramatizing every aspect of her sentence. “We share a bed once and you think you have the fucking right to it.” Frank muttered dramatically, Illi cot onto his joking. “I mean I’ve dated people before, and your way nicer to me then they where, and we aren’t even dating.” She said. “You’ve dated people?” He seemed rather surprised. “Yeah I’ll explain on the walk.”

———…..———

“So first there was this guy Bert.” Illi said, Frank nodded in response. “We dated when I was still a guy.” She said the last part quieter. “He was kinda twisted for a 16 year old, I’m pretty sure he just wanted to fuck me. You’ve probably noticed I’m a pretty touchy person.” Frank nodded again. “But I’d ask him to watch a movie or something and it was just ‘I will if you give me a blowjob first’” she said the quote in a mocking, deeper voice. “He broke up with me cause I wouldn’t do anything with him.” She finished. “Bert sounds like a dick.” He stated plainly. “He was.” She answered. “That was like the the early end of me being 16, there was a girl I dated over that summer and into last school year. She was really nice for a while, I’m pretty awkward when it comes to correcting servers on my order and shit, but she knew that and would do it for me. When I told her I was questioning if I was a girl or not. She got kinda weirded out and dumped me. Her name was Alison, I really thought our relationship ment a bit more than my gender but I guess not.” Illi let out a long breath. “Sorry about that.” He said “I wouldn’t think people would do shit like that to you. I think someone would be lucky to have you, they shouldn’t treat you like garbage or dump you for basically no reason.” Frank said, in his opinion it was a little bold, but worth how he noticed the grin on Illi’s face. “Thank you, just for saying that. Most people I talked to kinda just blamed me. Like I was too picky or I wouldn’t ‘Work on myself’ for a partner. But to those people working on myself is just recloseting or not being asexual.” She looked down. “I’m happy you don’t have to deal with those people anymore. Doesn’t seem like they were good for you.” He said confidently. “If you ever need someone to watch a movie with or tell a server you asked for no pickles, we apparently share a room now so you can just ask.” He stated. Illi placed a hand on his shoulder to stop him walking. “first of all, thank you so much for just saying that, you’re a really good person, the best person I know. But second of all, we walked pass the coffee shop like two minutes ago.” She giggled

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“Hey! What movie do you want to watch?” Illi yelled from downstairs, Frank had dumped a basket of clothes out in his closet. “I don’t know, anything works” he yelled back from upstairs, where he was trying to find his hoodie. Frank imagined Illi shrugging before saying, “Okay whatever, I’ll just grab the first horror movie I see then!”. That was a risky thing to do, most of the horror movies in the Iero household were shitty ones. He hoped she had enough sense to just try and find one she had watched before.

Once he got downstairs Illi was sitting on the couch, holding a bag of the shitty store bought popcorn his mom always got. “I could’ve made you popcorn if you wanted some. The stuff you’re eating tastes like unseasoned gasoline. And it’s chewy. Popcorn shouldn’t be chewy.” He said, speaking from the personal experience of being too lazy to make popcorn for himself and trying to settle for the bagged stuff. “Yeah, that would probably be nice.” She looked at the bag. “It tastes horrendous and has like…maybe 6 different chemicals I’ve never heard of before in just the seasoning”. Frank laughed “Why would popcorn even need 6 mysterious chemicals in it?” He questioned. Illi looked up from the bag to stare at him. “No idea. my best guess it like, preservatives. I don’t know why six different ones are necessary though they could probably do fine with just one.” She shrugged. “Maybe the chemicals are what makes it taste so awful.” He said over his shoulder.

He smiled to himself when he noticed Illi had gotten up to follow him into the kitchen. He had also noticed that she was wearing the sweatshirt he had been looking for earlier, it was slightly too small on her, but the thought of Illi deciding it made more sense to wear his hoodie than one of her own made him smile just a bit more.

“Is that my hoodie?” Frank asked. Illi grinned at him, “so what if it is? I was cold.” She adjusted the hoodie so that the design on the front was more visible. it was some old band hoodie with such a cheaply printed design it had mostly worn off after only a couple months of Frank having it.

Illi readjusted the hoodie again, pulling the hem as far down as she could. “It was on your floor, I was basically rescuing it from the pain and suffering of being stepped on. Or taken by the demons in your laundry machine.” She said with a shrug. Frank paused for a moment. “Demons in my laundry machine…?” He questioned. “Yeah, we all have ‘em. I mean what else explains mysteriously missing clothing.” She pointed out.

When Illi said it, she made it sound like it was something perfectly obvious. No matter how dumb her claim sounded. It made Frank feel silly, like he was supposed to know all the secrets and details of Illi’s strangely appealing theories on clothing stealing demons in washing machines.

Before he could finish his train of thought he realized she hadn’t stopped talking. “—I mean as a kid I always thought Mikey was stealing my socks whenever I pissed him off. Just to bother me with not having matching pairs, but now that I’ve matured I’ve realized that, that makes no sense and he’s not that petty. So yeah the washing machine demons make perfect sense.” She took in a long breath, Frank could tell he’d probably missed a lot.

“Sorry I got distracted….what were you saying?” He asked. Illi’s stared at him for a bit before her shoulders slumped and she wrapped her arms around herself. “Oh um, nothing….just stupid stuff. You wouldn’t care. It doesn’t matter.” She mumbled, shifting back and forth on her feet.

Frank felt sick, he had made her upset. Of course he had. He was awful, Illi deserved someone who could pay attention to what she was saying. “I’m sorry Illi.” He said “I’m sorry for not paying attention to you”. She nodded, didn’t say anything. Just a nod. But after a minute or so she continued, “I never really got apologies, so thank you.” Illi whispered, wiping her eyes. Fuck. Frank had made her cry. He had made Illi cry. Why was everything like this difficult. He didn’t want to be perfect he just wanted to make Illi happy, to make her feel appreciated and loved. But no, Frank couldn’t do that. Atleast not without messing it up. “I’ll um, I’ll make the popcorn now.” He said, And Illi turned to walk back towards the living room.

……….

She had been in the living room for a while when he had finally brought in the popcorn. Frank took a quick glance at her, she wasn’t crying anymore. That was good, it meant whatever he had done wasn’t something that would ruin their whole friendship and make Illi want to move back to California as soon as humanly possible.

She was sitting on the floor, knees tucked up to her chest and staring at the blank TV that
she hadn’t even turned on. “Did you pick a movie?” He asked her. Illi shrugged “I didn’t know what to choose.” She said, picking at the hem of Franks hoodie. He sat down next to her and placed the bowl of popcorn in between the two of them. Illi ignored the popcorn and instead made the decision to lean against his shoulder.

“I really meant it when I said people don’t apologize to me much. And it really did mean something to me.” She muttered. “What do you mean?” Frank asked. Was this something about Illi’s childhood? Maybe something about her parents? She had never talked about her parents with him. All he knew was that they had send her here. Illi was acting rather fidgety, clenching her fists around the hoodie and picking at her finger nails.

“I’m not sure you should really want to know. I don’t want you to pity me.” She whispered. Frank put his hand around hers, “I won’t pity you, I promise.” He responded. She looked at him for a while. It might have been slightly unsettling to Frank, if it wasn’t for how soft Illi looked. The roundness of her face, her slightly pink cheeks, her long eyelashes. To Frank she was the prettiest girl alive, everything about her was perfect. There was nothing to change, not matter how much society and standards set by cis het men might say otherwise…..

Illi cleared her throat, breaking his train of thought. “When I came out to my parents my dad didn’t take it very well. He had been happy to have two sons, said he was lucky or something.” She was fidgeting with the hoodie, picking at it with her fingers. “He just started treating me poorly, told me I was useless or making things up, essentially the usual stuff you would hear someone say.” Her eyes were a bit puffy now, like she might cry again. “He went through my closet and took the clothes I had been hiding, he threw them all away. He took the makeup I had and tossed it out as well. After that he started ignoring me. He never apologized for what he did, my mom didn’t try to apologize on his behalf either.” A tear ran down her cheek.

Frank felt awful, he wanted to tell Illi’s father just how much of a dick he had been. Tell him that his daughter was a beautiful girl. And how she was perfect and how he was awful for making Illi feel anything but that. He shifted a bit so they could comfortably hug. Pulling her close to his chest, he felt Illi wrap her arms around his back. She let out a sob before continuing, still with her face against his chest.

“I think my parents sent me here cause they didn’t want to see me anymore. Cause they thought I was too awful to see on a daily basis.” She pulled herself closer to Frank. Why would anyone say these things to her? Why would anyone want to? He ran his fingers through her hair. She seemed to relax a bit, he hoped he hadn’t imagined that. “I’m so sorry that happened, your dad’s fucking awful. I would make him apologize a hundred times if I could and still wouldn’t forgive him. Even if you did. You don’t deserve that.” Frank could go on, he could add in the facts of how beautiful and sweet Illi was. How just being around her made him feel better. But of course he didn’t say that. That would risk too many things. And Frank didn’t like risks, not ones where loosing Illi was an option.

If he had a choice he would never take those risks. Instead of saying those things he decided to kiss the top of her head. A simple show of affection, safer than rambling about everything he loved about her (which could very well be everything about her) until he was out of breath.

Illi nuzzled against his neck, “I’m glad they sent me here.” She murmured “I almost wish they had done it sooner”. Frank was pretty sure she had ended her sentence by giving him a light kiss to the neck but he wasn’t sure, he thought she did, he hoped she would do it again so he could be sure, he wished he had the courage to kiss her on the lips. To really make her see how much he cared for her. But he was too cowardly, so he kept running fingers through her hair waiting until he knew Illi felt okay enough to continue their plans or to do something else.

…………..

Frank wonders if Illi knows her face crinkles up when she smiles.

The movie must have been boring, as Illi was asleep, her head resting on his legs. which to him felt like something most people didn’t do with their friends, more like something you’d do on your fourth date.
Frank truthfully wouldn’t know what the movie was like, he had been too busy watching Illi. Who had decided the movie wasn’t worth her time about 10 minutes in and fallen asleep. Now the movie was over. And so were the credits. And also the royalties. And on top of that the TV screen had gone black at least 15 minutes prior.

The option of waking Illi up to free Frank felt comparable to when you finally get a cat to trust you and moving them off your lap feels like a war crime. In fact it was almost the same, just with a human and not a cat. Was there a proper way to wake someone when they were like this? If there was he clearly didn’t know it. But he had to get up, in theory it probably wouldn’t be awful and disrespectful and friendship ruining to ask Illi to get up so she could sleep in a bed if she was really tired.

Frank looked to the clock on the living room wall, it read 10:06, it didn’t help him find a reason to not wake her up, therefore he had to do what must be done. “Illi?” He said softly, hovering a bit closer to her face than he should have been. “you need to wake up.” He added. Illi’s eyes opened, squinting up at him. “Good morning.” She muttered tiredly. He met her eyes and laughed. “It’s not morning it’s ten pm at night”. Frank looked down at her, she was smiling and giggling like the time of day was funny.

“Oh.” She said, still giggling “thats kind of embarrassing.” Illi’s hair was half covering her face, it looked greasy, it kind of always did. “Hey, uh, when was the last time you washed your hair?” Frank asked, his fingers absentmindedly running through her hair. “That was a bit out of pocket.” Illi said, giggling again. “but maybe one and a half weeks ago? I’m not sure. And I’m still tired. I want to sleep again.” She answered, in the process of rolling onto her side as she talked. her nose was now pressing into Franks stomach through his shirt, he’d ask her to move but he almost didn’t want her to. Despite his own discomfort it felt rude to disturb her twice.

“Will you wash it tomorrow. After school?” He asked, it wasn’t for him, it was for Illi. It couldn’t feel comfortable but he understood why she didn’t do it. Showering was bad enough as it was, all the time wasting and forcing you to be confronted by your own body till you turn the temperature of the water up to give you something else to think about instead of everything misplaced or missing on your body.

“Sure, just remind me as soon as we get home. I need to mentally prepare. I’m sure you get what I’m trying to say” Illi murmured. She sounded painfully tired, the kind where your eyes closed by themselves and you can’t help it. The kind where your limbs felt heavy and sore. It made Frank worry about her, he knew she had nightmares. Bad ones. He knew that those nightmares could often keep her up, But he thought she was sleeping enough to not be passing out at seven pm on a Thursday. “Do you want to go upstairs and lay down? You seem really tired….” He trailed off, but his point was clearly understood as he could feel Illi nod against his stomach.

He helped her sit up, he walked her to his room cause that’s where she liked to sleep, he tucked her in and told her he was going to shower.

He stood in front of the bathroom mirror clothes still on. Showering felt like a chore at the moment, a waste of everything. It made Frank a hypocrite asking Illi to shower than not doing it himself, but it could wait. He’d find some way to skip school the next day. He’d make sure Illi slept and showered, shower himself, maybe re-dye his hair. maybe Illi would help dye his hair. Maybe he would get to dye hers. He’d find some excuse, a break from wearing his binder, period cramps, pretending to sleep past his alarm. He’d figure it out in the morning.

………….

Illi was asleep when he got back to his room, still wearing the hoodie even though she’d probably need to take it off later in the night. Frank made sure Illi was comfortable, then turned off his alarm for school. And finally he could sleep, curled up around Illi, because she was soft and warm and Frank felt that if he lost an opportunity to be close to her he might die. He probably won’t die but in some strange poetic way he liked to think he might.