Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

You open your eye.

You’re in a near darkless bricked walled room, with a vase of flowers immediately in view. You don’t know enough about flowers to know which ones these are. You can’t see much else with the vase in the way currently. Where did you wake up? Normally when you wake up on a new loop, you're on the field where Mira calls for you when you don’t get up quickly enough. But you’re inside, not outside, so you know you’re not at the start. You’ve never started a loop at the Clocktower, and this room isn’t there either, but it looks familiar? You turn in your bed to see if there is anything behind you. Your whole body aches during the motion, but you still do it. You see a drawer and a bed with another person on it? And they also look kinda familiar?  Who is this other person? They’re covered in bandages, and their clothes look more Poterean than Vaugardian. They’re definitely not a family member, just some random. At least their breathing is stable.

Wait… Poterean person covered in bandages? You’re in the infirmary, how? Did you zone out on this loop so much you went the wrong path? If so, where are the others? Why does your body ache so much? You’re strong enough that nothing on the second floor of the house should be able to cause this much soreness. This is especially true if you took the wrong path and are unable to progress. You try to get up; your head swirls, and the dizziness forces you back onto the bed. You look up at the ceiling, the same near darkless shade as the walls; there is nothing else of real note up there, so you elect to turn back towards the vase to try and move it out of the way so you can see the rest of the room. With some difficulty, you manage to move it far enough back so you can view the rest of the room. It's mostly the same now; it seems like the vials are gone. Must have given them to Bonnie already. Hold on, why are the walls and ceiling near darkless? Shouldn’t it be lightless? Because that's always what the house looks like while you're going through it. The only time when it isn’t lightless is when—

At that moment you begin to recall what happened in this loop, your 101st loop. How you told Mira that she would always be alone, and how she slapped you in response. You told Odile that she should just leave you if she can’t follow along, just like how she left Ka Bue and how her mom left her; you got grabbed by the collar for that. Bonnie noticed how you tripped on purpose, and they said how they don’t want to be strong if it means you get hurt. How Isa tried to comfort you and help you when you clearly needed it, and you spat in his face by zoning out and calling him a coward for it. He should have hit you for saying such terrible things to him; they should have all beaten you for it. You even argued with the oh-so-helpful Loop. After that you remember overhearing them at the clocktower and their reservations about working with you tomorrow. When they FINALLY beat the King, they didn’t know if they could trust you, so you left before they could think about it. You went through the house, all of it, all by yourself, killing saddnesses the entire time, floor after floor, and made it to the King. You were winning that fight too; you were so close to beating the King all by yourself. But he just had to slow you down, again, and again, and again, until you couldn’t even move. Then you fought that thing; it looked like you, but it was pure lightless, and the things it said as your family friends were forever engraved into your brain. “I don't need you, Frin! No one does!!!”, “Every time I'm forced to look at you, I forget everything about you.”, “Do you know why I never touch you, when we talk in front of the Favor Tree, Siffrin? Because the idea of making skin contact with you makes me want to puke.” “I can't wait to never see you again.” But that was all a lie, wasn’t it? They came back for you, they helped you, Mira reflected the King's craft, turning it on him and making him forever frozen in place. You hate that he gets to remember in his final moments, but he's gone, so you'll take what you can get. Then it was the walk up to the Head Housemaiden like always, but this time there was that new shade, the ‘Color,’ in the sky, and then you heard them talking about going home. You couldn’t handle it; you fought them because you wanted to keep them (greedy, needy Siffrin) because you couldn’t handle losing them and them forgetting you. But they aren’t leaving you; you’re not losing them; they will always remember you. And that realization finally ended it; you came back to the ground, friends embracing you lovingly. Before you could end this, though, you had to thank someone else.

So you made your way back to the Favor Tree, the same one that got you stuck in this mess in the first place, or should you say both of you? You remember how all the way back in the loops, when Loop asked what you thought they were, you said that they were you. How they laughed in your face about it; thinking back on it now, that's how you would have deflected given the same circumstances. They wanted your happy ending, as they put it, so of course they tried to kill you. You stole their family from them after all; you understand why they tried. But you couldn’t let them; then again, you couldn’t kill them either, not after what you both went through—what they went through. Not that you landing a killing blow would have made a difference because soon after they started to disappear, you wish hoped that they could stay, but no, they had to leave, but they promised that they would return, at least to accept your friends’ thanks in person. “That’s basic etiquette.” They said. After that you remember returning to your friends, talking to the Head Housemaiden, and after that you must have fallen unconscious and ended up here. You don’t remember how long it’s been; it must not have been that long if everything in here is the same. Even the broken statues are still, well, broken. After remembering the circumstances that led to this.

Almost as if on cue (Why must you think like this?), you hear a voice just outside the room you're in, one that wants to be loud but knows it shouldn’t, masculine and caring.

“M’dame are you sure you don’t need help walking to visit?”

“I’ll be fine, Isabeau; after all, I have the cane, and the housemaiden said I’ll only need it for the next day.” This voice is more calm, mature, and maybe slightly annoyed.

“J-just so you know, if you need me to heal you, you just have to ask. I know we all want to check on him r-right now, but that doesn’t mean you should push yourself, Madame.” The anxiety in her voice seems to be the most noticeable part about her.

“Yeah! We don’t want two people to be so crabbing injured that they’re stuck in bed all day!” It’s nice to hear them all again, but ow BonBon Bonnie

“Bonniface I know you’re excited to see Siffrin again, but you need to be quiet; people are recovering, and being loud can hurt them.” 

“Ok… Sorry, Dile.”

You hear a door open, and four people walk into the room. Your family friends all gather near you, noticing that you're awake, looking at them.

“Good evening, Siffrin.” Odile says, “How are you feeling?”

“Sore mostly, my head is dizzy, and I'm exhausted.” You wease out; now that you’re talking, you notice that voice is raspy. “That’s not too surprising; you do have craft exhaustion after all.” She responded. “And an extreme bout of it, it would seem, if your voice and head are anything to go off of. By the sounds of it, it seems like you’ll be limited to whispering for now.”

“Understood,” you whisper in compliance. “How long was I out?”

“Well, we didn’t look at the time when you first passed out, but it's been four days since then.”

“Stars, that's longer than I thought.” 

“Don’t worry, though; we and the housemaidens have been taking care of you during that time. Which, speaking of, Mirabelle?”

“Oh right, Siffrin, may I touch you? So I can heal you.” Mira mutters.

“Of course you can, Mira.” You whisper with what you hope is a genuine smile on your face.

Mira Slowly, with both hands inches towards your chest, the angle and slowing speed is reminding you of how Isa would always put his hand right above your shoulder every loop and how you always wanted him to just touch it, until you couldn’t wait anymore and just—

Before you can think about how disgusting you are, you feel the cooling, almost menthol feeling spread across your chest and onto your throat. Looking at Mira, she smiles warmly at you, like a friend would.

“Thanks, Mira,” is all you can muster in response.

“Of course, Siffrin, anytime,” she says back with the same smile on her face as always. “Oh yeah, because it’s been four days since you’ve eaten. Just in case you were up, we brought some s—”

“SOUP!!!” Bonnie shouts, interrupting Mira, slamming down one of those large thermoses. The sudden shout and slam of the thermos make you yelp in a way that definitely does not sound like a nya.

“Bonniface, what did I say about shouting?” Odile asks.

“Oh, right, sorry Dile, sorry Frin.” Bonnie corrects “sooouuuup.”

You can’t help but laugh a little, which you come to regret as it starts a minor coughing fit.

“Sif!” Isa, who weirdly wasn’t talking during this whole time, rushes to your side. “Are you ok?”

“Yeah, yeah, I was just laughing, and it turned into coughing. I'm fine.” You try to reassure him with the same smile you gave Mira, but by the look Isa gives you, you probably smiled wrong (How did you forget how to smile correctly?). He doesn’t say anything, though.

“Anyway… Soup?” You question

“Chicken noodle, to be exact.” Odile says,

And with that last comment, Tupperware and utensils are doled out across your friends, including you, and you all enjoy some absolutely delicious soup courtesy of Bonnie, obviously. You manage to sit up in the bed, and you try to pay attention and not zone out of the conversation while you eat.

The soup is super (you should make a pun about that later). good, the noodles are perfect in texture, and the carrots are just the right size. It is simple, yes, but maybe it’s because of the fact that you haven’t eaten in four days, but it is so good.

Eventually the conversation about what kind of soup is the best dies down a bit, with Bonnie saying clam chowder is the best, Mira and Isa saying tomato bisque is the best, and Odile saying some dish called ramen. You think you’ve tried it before when you visited Ka Bue, but you don’t remember what it is like, and according to Odile, it is very different with many styles depending on where in Ka Bue you are in. When it comes to your turn to talk about soup, you say, “I don’t have a favorite.” which results in Bonnie groaning at the “lame answer” while the three adults simply shrug and accept it. After all this time talking, you get curious and ask. “So what have you all been doing while I was knocked out?”

Bonnie is the first to reply, “I was learning new recipes in the library. Za was watching me most of the time. Apparently I need ‘adult supervision’ still, though it was fun. A couple of the classes were available, so I did those as well. Did you know there is a class to make traps? I couldn’t take it, though; I’m not old enough,” they say with a hmph.

“Like Bonbon said, I was mostly watching them and making sure they didn’t get into trouble, and we took some classes together.” Isa said while his face slowly darkens, “I took some… fashion design classes.” He eventually lets out. Right, he never mentioned that dream in this loop; the only person who knew before was you, and the others only found out because you said what your wishes were. But how come only Isa was looking after Bonnie? Shouldn’t the others as well?

“How come only Isa was looking after Bonnie?” You ask because you know there has to be a good reason as to why. Mira, Isa, and Odile all give each other quick glances before Odile says

“Well, Mirabelle and I were suffering from our own bit of craft exhaustion after the whole ordeal, so we were busy recovering from that. Well, it was just me at first because of using timecraft without wishcraft backing it. But then Mirabelle—”

“H-hey I can explain myself, Madame.” Mira confidently states, “After I used the reflecting craft to turn the King’s craft back on him, I was in a near craft exhaustion state, then…” You raise your eyebrow at her. “Well, I may have used too much healing craft on you during and after the incident.” Ah, what a way to put you turning five stories tall and nearly breaking the world because you wanted to stay with your friends. And you hurt them (of course you did, you're a monster; you always hurt them, and when you don’t, it’s because you’re manipulating them into being how you want them to be) . You must be bad at acting now because all your friends seem to notice you and worry about you (Stars, why can’t you even ACT normal?). “D-don’t worry about it though, Siffrin, I only had exhaustion for a day, and even so, I would do it again if I had to to keep you safe.” Mira reassures, “Besides, it wasn’t as bad as Madame or you; I was just dizzy for the day.” At the mention of her, you look at Odile, who leaned against the chair she is sitting in, which is the aforementioned cane she is using to help her walk (you can’t stop hurting them). “While I wanted to watch Bonnie.” Mira continues, “Even when I wasn’t craft exhausted, I was busy helping Euphie with various things to help get the house back into a more working state. Like disabling traps, or helping with repairs, and helping recently unfrozen people readjust, that kind of thing. And when I wasn’t helping with Euphie, I was making sure you were cared for. While I believe in the other housemaiden’s abilities, you took quite a toll, and as the best healer, I had to help you, Siffrin.”

“Thank you for that, Mira… Thank you all.” You want to say how you don’t deserve their care, their effort, or their love (you don’t), but you know that won’t go anywhere.

“Of course, Siffrin, we care for you.” Mira says

“Sif, it’s the least we can do. Especially after all you went through.” Isa seconds

“You’re welcome, Siffrin.” Odile Thirds

“Yeah, what they said. Now eat your soup so you can recover, you crab.” Bonnie fourths

All of them look at you, lovingly so much that you wish wanted to hide your darkening face under a hat, which you no longer have. You recover from the embarrassment quickly, as you know what you must say: “And thanks, Bonnie, the food was SOUPer.”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Bonnie Laments. Isa cackles so loud he overpowers the preteen in volume. Mira lightly giggles and shakes her head. Odile looks away to face away from you, but you think you see her smile just a little. Despite the loud noise of the child and the maybe-kinda-sorta-perhaps romantic partner, you manage to genuinely smile and not care for whatever head pains you may or may not get.

Before you know it, all the Tupperware and utensils are being packed up and put away, and everyone gets ready to leave so you can rest (they’re leaving you forever) . No, they’re not; you’ll see them tomorrow morning if you’re up, and if not, they said they’ll visit more frequently to make sure you’re ok (why do you always have to be a burden?).You say your goodbyes, and your friends leave for now. Sometime later you see other Housemaidens walk into the room to check on you and the other person staying here. It seems like they are stuck in a coma for now; they didn’t wake up while the others were visiting you at least. The good news is that you’ll most likely be able to start moving and even go to a normal room instead of staying in the infirmary by the week, although you’re told to limit it and to not overstrain yourself, lest you get stuck back on a bed. You tell the Housemaidens that you’ll do your best, and after caring for and changing the bandages on the other person, they leave you alone so you can sleep.

As you get ready to sleep, you hear a faint jangle, and when you check, you see the coin, Loop’s coin. You hold it in your hand, twirling it around your fingers but always keeping it close. As you continue to look at it, you can’t help but wonder where they are. But all you can do for them is wonder and wish hope that you’ll be able to see them again. As you put the coin back, you think and you hope that wherever they are, they are able to rest.

As you hope that Loop will return and that Loop will be able to rest, you too eventually return to sleep.

Chapter Text

You open your eyes.

You’re not quite standing, but not lying down or sitting either; you’re floating. The area around you is entirely lightless with the exception of an uncountable amount of dots of various shades surrounding the entire, for lack of a better way to put it, space.

You know where you are; of course you are surrounded by the very thing you know you follow, the thing you know you love, but you can’t remember anything about it. At least not actively remember, lest it ironically erase whatever memory you still have left rattling in the back of your mind.

Unlike your Stardust, who you’re sure is struggling to remember how they broke the loops, you remember what happened all too well.

How you were the first to make that wish, how you were stuck in that hell for REDACTED loops. How you ERASED your family from existence all because you would rather wish for someone to help you instead of just asking them for help (stupid, idiotic Loop) . How your Understudy fixed it all in only 101 loops, figured it out, talked to them, and made sure they won’t be forgotten (you will be) . Then Stardust had the gall to walk up to you and try to talk to you; he figured you out after all, and when he guessed correctly earlier in the loops, you just laughed him off (What else would you have done?). But by then, it was clear as day, and just seeing him made you want to rip his chest open and climb inside on the slimmest chance that it would let you be with your family again. It wouldn’t have worked because those people weren’t your family; they were imitations. You can tell; they all had just the slightest differences in how they were. Most people would be fooled. Then again, can you even call yourself a person at this point?

Either way, you remember going on your little monologue before fighting Stardust, trying your best to kill him, and you had so many tries to do so thanks to your looping. It didn’t matter; by the end his knife was above your chest, and you lost. He should have ended it there, made sure you could never come back, and then he thanked you and said how, without you, he would have never made it out, how his family friends wanted to thank you . So you felt… sad. You knew you wouldn’t be able to accept their thanks, not yet, not while your family's deaths still hang around your neck. So you did the next best thing while you were fading; you, like always, gave your Stardust some advice about how they shouldn’t hold their family friends hostage, how they need to talk to them, share their troubles with them, and learn to let go (Hypotrite) , and then you told them, promised them, that you’ll see each other again (You’ll never be able to keep it; look where you are. Lost, alone, forever wandering an infinite void where you can see everything but can’t reach anything). 

You still feel the weight of his… of Stardust’s coin on your hand; even as you drift across the infinite that is the Universe, you still have his coin.

It doesn’t seem like you can do much here—no one in sight, no place to land, no one to talk to. You could try to use the call craft, but no, that has a limited range, and if you're in space, there is no way you can call anyone. So you try to think about your other options. You could try and call out to anyone out loud, but you're pretty sure that if someone was here, you would have seen them. You could try to move and see if you can land somewhere; you try, and your whole body responds with pains and aches you didn’t even know you could feel in this body, so that is out of the question. You could go back to sleep, but you're not tired right now.

You know what? Blind it, if you’re going to be stuck in the very thing that you and everyone you used to know supposedly followed, the very thing that you made a wish on without even realizing it, the very thing that took you out of your self-made hell, away from everything you knew, only to put you in an arguably worse one. Then you might as well try to remember some more about it; who knows, maybe in the process you can forget about Stardust and their family friends.

Now what to try and remember? Maybe how the faith worked? Maybe an old ritual? Or maybe something about the planets or stars? You are a star now, so maybe trying to remember something about them could be a good idea?

Ok, so you have an idea of what you want to remember, but now what? How do you go about actually remembering something about something? It sounds impossible… Oh stars, is your stupid idea only possible via wishcraft? Well, there isn’t a favor tree ritual to do, and the other wishes from Vaugarde can’t empower your wish, so there is no way to end up with enough power to screw you over too much… right?

Wait, you remember back when you were Siffrin; whenever you would carve wood or sharpen your knife, you would always mumble to yourself, and thinking back on it, whenever Stardust would start a loop from the start, you remember how they would do that thing where you would ask for the Change god’s help by wanting near that statue that he liked. Those were usages of wishcraft, weren't they? They were specific rituals you and Stardust did, and it always seemed to help with whatever you were trying to do.

Again, blind it. If you’re stuck in this third hell, why not “crab around and find out,” as BonBon would say to you? So you look around for a star and find the one you like the most. You stare at it like your life depends on it, trying to prevent yourself from looking away from it even as you slowly drift across the Universe. You breathe in… and breathe out… and you whisper.

“Please let me remember your name. Please let me remember your name. Please let me remember your name.” 

(It's  what  you  wish   for.)

Suddenly your mind flashes a memory into your mind. You’re sitting on a chair; in front of you is a table, but small, a desk. In front of you are about 20 more desks with kids in them and a board with a drawing that looks like two stick figures holding hands. It's not uniform at all, though, and the dots connecting each line are placed in a way where you can almost see a pattern, but there are enough dots seemingly placed as outliers that you can’t quite tell if it's a true pattern or not.

“Ok class.” The only adult in the room calls.

This is your language, you can tell. You thought that only Stardust could read it after going through what he did, but you guess that by witnessing that, you also gained that ability, huh… neat. 

The adult in the classroom is very tall and has longer and straighter hair than you, but it's the same shade (so does everyone in the class), with a body type that is a little hard to tell because they wear a cloak like yours, but instead of being darkless its lightless (you kind of want one like that). A couple of the other students have the same kind of cloak of various shades, but not everyone.

“Does anyone remember what a constellation is?”

Before you can even begin to recall what a constellation could possibly be, you feel your hand rise. Wait, what? You don’t even remember what a constellation is, much less what this specific one is. What are you doing? Before you can come to regret your past self's action, you hear.

“Ah, *****, you have the answer?” the adult calmly asked. All the other students look towards you in the back. Again, before you can actively do or say anything you hear, from your own mouth, a voice, young, somewhat high-pitched, but undeniably yours. 

“A constellation is a group of stars whose pattern we are able to recognize.”

“Good job, *****. Now if you can tell us. What constellation is this? The adult inquires.

“It’s Gemini,” you hear. Gemini, that's an answer, but that's a constellation but not the star, so why is—

“And what is the brightest star in Gemini?”

“Castor.”

“Last question, ****. What is the second brightest star in Gemini?”
“It’s Pollux; it’s my favorite cuz it’s the second brightest, and second is the best!”

Pollux. That was the star you were looking at. It was your favorite then, and it’s your favorite now. Why else would you choose that star for your wish? After coming to that realization, you blink and you're back in space or the Universe or wherever you are, Pollux still in view. You take your finger and trace the Gemini constellation with it. It’s a little difficult when it splits, so you use your other hand to do so, but you still manage to do it, and then it hits you. You just recalled a memory from your home, and you still remember it fully; the Universe let you keep it, at least for now. Why were you able to keep it? Is this the Universe’s way of taking pity on you? Is it because of what you became or where you are? Is it because you made a wish? Is it because of all of those things or none of those things? As you continue to wonder why your memory isn’t getting removed like yours and Stardust’s always does. You realize that you are suddenly very exhausted and tired. Well, now that you’re tired, you might as well try and sleep.

As you begin to get ready to sleep, you feel the coin that you’re still holding, his coin, Stardust’s coin. You hold it in your hand, twirling it around your fingers but always keeping it close. As you continue to look at it, you can’t help but wonder where they are. But all you can do for them is wonder and wish (you’ve wished enough for now) hope that you’ll be able to see them.

You eventually close your eyes, coin close, hope still in you, as impossible as the promise seems to be.

And you eventually fall into blissfully dreamless sleep.

Chapter Text

You open your eyes.

It's dark right now, but you’re used to seeing in the dark, and although all that meets your gaze is the side of the tent, your cloak covering your pack, and the hat on top of your cloak, you still have that figure of Odile you’re working on tucked in one of the hidden pockets of your cloak. You turn around and see the rather large shape of Isa curled up in his own bedroll. You can’t quite see his face, but if he is fully asleep, then he must be making that cute face he always makes (what?). Anyway, you’re up now; it doesn't seem like you’re going to fall back asleep anytime soon, so you might as well swap the night watch with Mira now.

Slowly, quietly, you shuffle yourself out of your bedroll so as to not wake up Isa. He isn’t a light sleeper, but you don’t want to risk it. You grab your cloak and hat from the pile and lightly open the flap out of your tent. Outside you see the small clearing your party has managed to find as a campsite for the night; the now dead fire sits in the middle, surrounded by rocks to make a pit and logs used for chairs, on one of which is a very clearly tired Mira.

“Oh, Siffrin, good—” Mira says before being cut off by her own yawn. “evening. You’re up early; your turn to watch isn’t for a while. Right? S-sorry, it can be hard to tell what time it is at night.” At that comment you look up at the night sky, stars all around you, and on instinct you say.

“Oh, well, I’m only an hour early, so it's fine.”

“Really? You can tell?” Mira’s head is slightly tilted, and an eyebrow is raised.

“Yeah you just need to line up these stars and use them as a reference for the time…

Oh stars, sorry it must sound like nonsense to you.”

Mira’s questioning face quickly became a shaking, flustered one. “N-no… Well, I don’t understand anything about what you said, but I think it's cool that you can do that. It sounds like a very useful skill. Anyway, you can do whatever you need to and then go back to sleep. I’ll wake you up then it's time to trade.” 

“Actually, Mira, I was thinking we could swap early. I know that the fight we got into yesterday was very exhausting for you.”
“Siffrin, you don’t need to worry about that, I’ll—” another yawn makes its way out of her mouth “be fine.” she says while rubbing a watery eye.

“Mira, you need to sleep. I get my rest via naps; I don’t need the extra hour. Plus I’m already up, and I don’t think I’ll be falling back asleep.”

“Okay, if you insist, Siffrin.”

“I do, Mira. Have a good night.”

“You too, Siffrin.”

Mira eventually gets up from the log they were sitting on before quietly making their way to the tent they share with BonBon. With no one else awake and your hearing good enough to tip you off to any potential threats, you decide to take out the wood you were carving into a mini Odile to give as a gift. You want to make one for everyone eventually, but this stuff takes time, and you have only found one piece of good wood as of late. You started with her because the wood you found was tall but too narrow to comfortably make a mini Isa, and you don’t know if the next piece of usable wood will be tall enough to make her or Isa. You are the last watch of the night, and it goes without any incident; you even manage to finish the mini Odile before anyone else gets up. As you admire your work, you hear a snap. You immediately turn towards the sound, ready to face whatever it is, mini Odile gone, dagger drawn.

“Crab Frin, you don’t need to spook me like that.” Only to be met with the small, dark-skinned, hat-wearing preteen of the group, it’s BonBon.

“Oh sorry BonBon, I didn’t hear you say anything so I didn’t know if you were a sadness or not, my bad.” 

“It's ok, Frin. Imma get the prep work for breakfast ready. Can you use some of the leftover wood to relight the fire?” (A pun gets in your head.)

“No need to ask, I WOOD have done it anyway.”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOO, Frin, you crab!” BonBon groans, hehe funnyjokespun person mission complete.

As you look down to the firepit, take out whatever pieces you can’t use and move the old charred wood to let the fresher wood in before taking out some flint and steel and striking the pile a couple of times. It doesn’t work; you move some more stuff around, and you hear another snap (must have been a piece of wood you couldn’t see). You strike again, the fire starts, and you begin to blow on it, but before you can get the fire fully going, you hear.

“Frin, HELP!”

You look up and you see something quickly making its way to BonBon; you drop the flint to snap your finger and speed up so you can catch up and put yourself between the two before it's too late. You manage to do so before the sadness can attack BonBon, but you made a fatal mistake: you forgot to draw your dagger. The next thing you hear is a slash, then a gush. You don’t care, though; you need to protect BonBon. You stab at the sadness with whatever you have on hand, and it goes down… So do you.

The last thing you hear before you lose consciousness is “FRIN!” 

You open your eye, lurching forward in a cold sweat while clutching the side of your face with nothing but a hollow hole in place of an eye. The sounds of chatter and footsteps can be heard from beyond the door at the end of the room.

You know where you are, the infirmary on the second floor of the Dormant House of Change. You're not in a tent, you’re not next to Isa… the sadness isn’t coming… The sadness can’t take something that is already gone.

You breathe in…

and breathe out… 

You look around you. It seems like the other person got moved at some point. Strange, you hope that doesn’t mean that you missed days. You should get ready for the day. Yesterday (you think it was yesterday anyway), you finally woke up from your four-day nap. When you did, you were still wearing both your cloak and your eyepatch, but you were able to take them off before you slept last night (at least you hope it was last night), and now you can put them back on. You still miss the hat; you had it on you for as long as you can remember (granted, you don’t remember much before the loops, even less from before you met the party). What were you even doing before meeting the party? You vaguely remember hopping from town to town, inn to inn, doing odd jobs in order to keep yourself afloat financially. But where did you first start? You must have shown up somewhere when you… Actually, why were you off-island? You know you talked about it once during the loops, but now whatever piece of information you had slipped your mind (just like everything else, you will forget everything, just as they will forget you.). Before you can dwell too much on your clearly rapidly declining memory, you hear the door open, you flinch at the sound, and you immediately relax at the sight of the small, dark-skinned, hat-wearing preteen of the group. It's Bonnie BonBon (C’mon, you said it on the roof; you can say it now) (You don’t deserve to say it; you already failed them.).

“Good morning, Frin. I brought breakfast for you.” 

“Thanks. Is it more soup?” You ask.

“Yup, I wanted to give you clam chowder to show you it's the best, but Dile said that it's not the kind of food you give a craft-exhausted person, so I made more chicken noodle soup for you. I also have some bread to go along with it.”

That makes sense; you have a feeling this week is going to be a lot of soup. Oh well, knowing Bonnie BonBon, it’s going to be delicious either way, and it's not something you had in the loops, so you think you’ll be fine.

“And no soup puns this time!” Bonnie says with a HMPH.

“Fine, fine, I don’t want my jokes to get too STALE!” you say while holding a piece of bread, a massive grin on your face.

“Just eat your crabbing food, Frin.” Oof, guess that joke didn't quite land. And so you follow as the preteen says and start eating. The soup is still delicious, just less so compared to when you had it last night (again, you hope it was last night); you should probably ask them that.

“Hey, BonBon?” As you say their nickname, you see their face go from a slight grimace from your attempt at humor to pure beaming.

“Yeah Frin!?”

“Did I miss any days again from sleeping?” You ask with a tone and face of what you hope is only a slight worry (you don’t want to lose days like you used to skip loops).

“Nope, you woke up last night and are up again today.” They reply, still beaming

“Speaking of last night, where are the others?”
“They're all still sleeping; it’s early, Frin. It’s kinda surprising seeing you up this early, though. I thought I was going to have to drop off the thermos and hope you woke up at some time today.” Oh, you’re up early? That's… good? Maybe? You know that you’re supposed to get more rest, but getting up early is nice too; you’ve slept through enough.

“Hey, Frin?”

“Yeah BonBon?”

“I know we said that we would protect each other, but…” BonBon starts to look away. 

“BonBon, I can’t teach you to fight; I’m still craft exhausted.” you say flatly.

“I wasn’t going to ask that, you crab! I know you all call me a kid, but I'm not stupid!” BonBon shouts while flailing their arms. When they stop they look away and mumble “I want to learn how to carve.” 

“Oh, that’s good. Is the house already teaching carving classes?” You ask.

“Oh my change, Frin, you crab! I want to learn from you!” BonBon retaliates. 

Oh BonBon wants to learn from you? How to carve? Even after everything, they want to learn from you?

“Uhhhhhhhhhh… Frin, you ok? You’re blanking like you do when you talk about your childhood.” BonBon asks, which manages to snap you out of your self-imposed questioning.

“When I what?” You respond with a mix of confusion and concern. 

“Yeah, anytime you start talking about your childhood, or most things like that, you blank out halfway through and then just forget whatever you were talking about. It’s really weird. Frin you should talk to Dile about it or something they might be able to help.” 

Huh… at least you know why you forgot about why you were first off the island; it must be something about the island. Oh shoot, you need to respond to BonBon before they get concerned again.

“No. Don’t worry, BonBon, I’m fine.” you respond with a smile. BonBon doesn’t seem pleased. Shoot, you must be smiling wrong again. Or was it something you said? (Why can’t you act right, c’mon you’ve had enough practice). 

“I was just surprised, that was all.” You hide at least some of your face in your cloak. You miss your hat. “But why me? I’m sure the house would make a better facility, plus I’m rusty when it comes to carving. I never got to do it during the… forever school. The last thing I carved was the mini Odile“ (the last thing you made before your eye was taken).

“Firstly, Frin,” BonBon says while so much closer in an instant that their face is not in your face. “I know that you’re the best carver EVER!” BonBon proudly states it like the universe itself couldn’t prove them wrong. “Secondly, I’ve already tried taking the carving class here. I don't like the teacher; they're too boring and don’t like it when people ask questions.”

“Like I said, I’m rusty. I don't know if I still can carve well… things have changed.” You try not to mention the eye because you know that will upset you both.

“Frin… There is no way that you, of all people, would get bad at carving. Sure, you’re rusty, but you’re so cool and skilled that you would make the best teacher for me.”

“And thirdly… I want to hang out with you again. We haven’t done anything like that since… well…the forest, and even before that, we haven’t hung out since… ”They look away from you before saying. ”That morning.” Their words pierce through your mind like it pierced your eye. Before you can think about it, though.

“AndIWantToMakeUpForLostTimeYouCrab!!!” BonBon quickly pelts out of their mouth, eyes squeezed shut. Oh… right, you need to remember that they care for you. That they all care for you. That they all like you, script or not. You can’t help but smile, genuinely smile, and say.

“Of course, BonBon, I would love to teach you to carve.” At that, BonBon lurches towards you and tackles you in bed with a hug, eyes closed but a massive smile on their face. You flinch at first but then immediately relax and return the hug, wrapping your arms around them lightly, gently, but just enough to let them know you care and you miss this (you're greedy, you leech).

“Oh crab. Sorry.” BonBon quickly releases the hug and pulls away. “I forgot I was supposed to ask before touching you. Sorry, Frin.” Right, you forgot that they’ve hugged you before.

“Don’t worry, BonBon. To be fully honest…” you pause. Should you really say that you like touch? (If you do, they'll all know how disgusting you are). No, maybe you should phrase it differently. For BonBon’s sake, obviously. You continue.

“I’ll give you special hug permissions; you can hug me whenever. Ok?”

“REALLY!?” BonBon’s beaming has somehow increased compared to last time.

“So long as I can see you beforehand, sure, BonBon.” you reply, another (hopefully) genuine smile on your face.

“Ok, I’ll be sure you can see me beforehand.” BonBon agrees while nodding their head.

“Oh crab I need to get stuff so we can carve, right?”

“Yes BonBon, getting stuff to carve would be a good idea. Are you sure you can get it by yourself?”

“Yes, Frin, I know the way to the carving room from here; I’ll just need to tell the Housemaiden teacher I’m borrowing them. They’ll be fine with it, I'm sure; it's not like the stuff’s leaving the house or anything.” They say while getting up to leave the room. You can't help but worry, though, so you say.

“Just be careful ok?”

“I will Frin.”

“You promise?” They pause for a second, thinking to themselves about what you said before responding.

“Yes, Frin. I promise to be careful.”

“Ok, BonBon, see you later.”

“Cya in a bit Frin.” you give them back your dishes They pack up their things, and they leave.

As they leave, you’re once again left alone in the room, stuck on the bed. You need to make sure your hands work well enough to actually carve something. You reach into your cloak and take out your… Dagger… Stars, after everything, despite how much you know it was an inconvenience, despite all the nightmares, you’re glad you never used it on yourself (you should have; it's the least of what you deserve for placing everyone in an ever-looping hell. You’re no better than the King. Stars, why is your mind like this?)

You remember when Loop talked about how annoying it is to use the tears to loop back; you gave the idea of using the dagger instead. Loop didn’t like that idea and tried to dissuade you from doing it; you kept pushing, though, until the universe forced Loop into letting you use it. Seeing Loop in pain like that, forcing them to tell you how to kill yourself… you regretted it immediately. The next loop you went to them and asked them to take it away from you; you’re glad they were able to do so. You don’t want to find out what kind of person you would become if you had started to do that to just “save time.” Then again, with the way Loop was talking about it, and knowing what you know now, you can’t help but wonder. Did they know the pain from experience? 

Right, you’re supposed to make sure you can use your hands enough to carve. You make a few practice swipes in the air, pretending to carve. Your hands shake a little, but you think you’ll be fine, plus this is mostly to teach BonBon you wonder what they want to carve.

After an unknown amount of time (you wish that there was want a clock in here to tell the time), BonBon comes back, replacing the foodstuffs they had with two blocks of wood and one set of woodcarving tools.

“Hey Frin, I brought the woodstuffs. And a set of knives for me; I got a chip knife, a detail knife, and a s-slowwed knife.” You giggle at their pronunciation before correcting them.

“It’s a Sloyd knife, BonBon.”

“Yeah S-loyd knife. Anyway, let's get carvin!” They excitedly state before handing you your woodblock.

“Slow down, BonBon; before you start carving, you need to know the safety.”

“Frin, you crab, I already know. You take the knife, and you spin while holding it, and that's the circle of death that no one can enter. Allllllllllll we did in the carving class was safety.” Ah, so that's why they didn’t like it.

“Alrighty then, BonBon, if you already know safety. What do you want to carve?”

“Well… Back at home, a friend had made Nille a figure of a fish, I think a lightfish? And I want to make a darkfish to go along with it because it’s Nilie’s favorite.” Ok, that makes sense; it has been a while since BonBon has been able to see their sister, so making them a gift would make sense.

“Ok, in that case you said it was a figure, right? So was the fish just by itself, or was it on a stand of some kind?” you ask.

“It was definitely on a stand, but it was connected to the fish? Like it was made of the same piece.” BonBon answers. Ok, so a fish on a stand, certainly if it was a fish, the stand would be—

“Did the stand look like water? Like the fish was jumping out of the water?” You ask, you don’t know why this sounds right, but…

“Yeah… It did.” BonBon replies, “How’d you figure that out?” They question. Again, you don’t know it just sounded right?

“I don’t know, it just seemed right for a fish on a stand to be like that, I guess?” You honestly reply. Well, you should move on and actually get to carving before BonBon gets impatient. 

“Anyway, shall we get started?”

“Y-yeah, right… LET'S DO THIS!” BonBon goes from slight confusion to pure excitement. 

And with that, you began. For today, though, it is mostly going to be whittling down this one piece into a more manageable size. You make sure BonBon is safe through the process, making sure they don’t do anything that can result in them getting cut (you would be fine if you did though, more than that actually. You deserve to be hurt.) Eventually, after a while, you both manage to get it into a size that is slightly larger than the original figure that BonBon mentioned, just in case you need the extra room. It's around the height of the Odile figure you made, but unlike that, it is the same width as the height, for now at least. At that you stop and say.

“Okay, BonBon, that should be good for now; we can work on it later, it's getting late…” You think anyway, it feels like it's been a long time; you even had a lunch break where BonBon left to get more soup… Wait a minute.

“BonBon. Did you tell the others about this?”

“Well, yeah, obviously, Frin, I told them I wanted to spend the day with you so they could leave us alone, and so then they knew where I was. I’m not a crabbing idiot, Frin. But yeah, you’re right, I need to get ready for dinner. I’ll get the others so we can eat together.” BonBon relays before getting up.

“Ok BonBon, cya then.”

“Yup.” As they pack up the ‘Woodstuffs’ and leave the room, you can hear them shout “DINNERTIMEEEE!” as they run down the hall. You hope that they’re safe.

Not that much longer later, the others show up with dinner. The same soup—you're starting to get tired of it, but you think you’ll be fine (you're used to eating the same things over and over and over and over AND OVER AGAIN). This time you don’t really participate in the conversation as much as you did last night; you just like hearing from your family friends (they're not family; you ruined any chance of that happening because you only skimmed the script this time) just talk, not having to contribute all the time. At least now you’re not zoning out as much; they're mostly catching each other up on what they’ve been doing, and BonBon has been catching everyone up on the project you’re helping them with. Which seems to remind BonBon of something to ask.

“Hey, Frin.” Oh shoot, they have a question for you; you need to participate now… you got this.
“Yes, BonBon?” The others lightly smile at the mention of the old nickname being used again. You like the attention? (It’s because you're a disgusting, attention-seeking, vile thing of a person). Ok, none of that right now. You need to pay attention to BonBon.

“Can I come back tomorrow to keep working on the figure?” Oh, that's all?

“Yeah, BonBon, I would be happy to do so,” you say in response.

“YAY!” They say while throwing both their arms up like they always do.

“Bonieface don’t spill your food.” Odile reminds

“Oh right, whoops.” BonBon slowly lowers their arms. Dinner quickly wraps up after that conversation, with the only notable thing being that the others might visit during this week of recovery. After your friends leave you alone for the night, you quickly do your normal prep before going to sleep in your lone room. (You wish hope that you can sleep in the company of your family friends soon.)

Before you even know it, it's the last day of your stay in the infirmary, before you can leave this bed and go where you want, almost. You still have to stay at this blinding house for a bit longer to make sure the craft exhaustion is fully gone, but after that, you’re free to go wherever you want. The current plan after this is to take BonBon back to their sister in Bambouche, and ask if both BonBon and her are able to travel with you all. You hope they say yes; you don’t know much about them, but you think that it’ll take some time for them to be comfortable with that idea.

Well anyway, BonBon has to spend the day with Odile so they can write a letter to their sister to let them know that they're okay. They've been putting it off because the postal system hasn’t been working due to the gradual nature of the unfreezing, but it seems like enough should be unfrozen soon for postal workers to be able to deliver letters again. Speaking of the postal system, though, during dinner Mira said that today they had a bunch of documents they had to sort through, and you offered to help because you had nothing else to do today. They seemed happy that you offered but concerned that you would push yourself too much, which you don’t really get—it's just papers to sort through.

A little bit after getting up and ready for the day, you hear a knock on the door. Good news: you can get out of bed and stand up. Bad news: your body is sore due to lack of use (you should exercise these coming days).

“Coming,” you say as you make your way to the door and quickly open it. “Morning, Mira.” You say to the person in front of you, her face is covered by what seems to be a large stack of various documents that she is holding.

“Morning Siffrin, how’d you sleep?”

“Well enough, I guess, no nightmares or anything. How about you?”

“Same, I didn't get much because I stayed up reading the book anthology you told me about.” Right, you told them about where the ‘Handsome Young Men Falling into Beautiful Heartbreaking Madness’ Horror Anthology was during dinner once; you felt it was the least you could do. It seems she managed to get her hands on it; good for her.

“Do you need help with those?” There is a pause as you say that before hearing.

“Yes, please, these are very heavy; there’s more in my pack. Can you put the ones I'm holding on the table?” You do so, taking the stack out of her hands… Stars, it is heavy. You quickly put the large stack onto the table before your sore arms give out (Weak).

After adding the papers that were in Mira’s pack, the stack is fully spread across the table, and even then the pile is quite tall… This is going to take all day, isn’t it? Oh well, it's not like you can do much else right now. After some discussion, you decide to put the papers into piles based on whether they are mail (with different piles for outgoing and receiving), research documents, lesson plans, old documents that need to be archived, and documents that need to be removed/destroyed. If other categories need to be made, you can just make a new pile.

So there you two are, sitting in silence sorting this massive pile of various documents, papers, etc., etc. Should you say something? If so, what? You’ve had plenty of small talk over this week, and you’ve already asked her about how this week has gone for her. You know that you can’t bring up the ‘spoiler’ conversation, but you know that she most likely still misunderstands what you meant when you were talking to her about the papers (She hates you. She hates you. She hates you. She hates you.) You hear a crinkle; you can’t tell from what.

“Siffrin? You ok? You’re crumbling that paper in your grip.” You look down at your hands, and sure enough, the paper you were holding is now crumbled and folded… oops. You unfold it easily enough and look at it; it's just an old layout document, it’s not accurate anymore, so you put it in the archive pile… OH STARS, she asked you a question. Quick answer!

“I’m fine, Mira.” You put on your best smile, eye closed and everything.

“Siffrin,” she said it in a tone like you were being called out, like a parent unhappy that their kid lied about stealing cookies. “We’re feelings buddies, remember? If something is wrong, you can tell me. Ok? Please?” Mira sounds… concerned? No hate in her voice. No disappointment. Just… worried… You need to apologize for what you did. (It won’t matter; she knows how much of a burden you are and will leave in disgust.) 

“I’m sorry,” you whisper, pressing your knees into your face to try and hide it.

“What for?” She replies, still concerned but also slightly confused.

What aren’t you sorry for? You messed everything up. Because of you, they were all stuck in a loop that they didn’t even know about. Because of you they had to rush to the King and could have gotten hurt. Because of you they all feel terrible because you knew exactly how to hurt them, even if you didn’t mean to. (It doesn’t matter. You hurt them all. They all hate you. EVERYTHING HURTS. EVERYTHING HURTS. EVERYTHING HURTS, AND YOU DESERVE IT.) 

(You feel                    a                TUG on… your hands?)

“SIFFRIN!” You flinch. Mira’s holding your hands, pulling you towards her. Everything still hurts, though. You can’t look her in the eye.

“Breathe with me?” She asks. You nod.

She takes a breath in… 

You take a breath in…

She takes a breath out…

You take a breath out…

The pain subsides, at least a bit. You look down at your hands, Mira follows your gaze, realizing that you're still holding hands, and quickly lets go (she's disgusted to even touch you).

“O-oh, sorry, Siffrin, I forgot to ask. I’m sorry!” Mira sounds like she is pleading for forgiveness.

“It's ok, Mira… I think I n-needed that. It helped.” 

“Ok… That's good to know. I-if something like that happens again… should I?” She pauses. You know what she is asking, but… Do you let this happen? Do you deserve to be held like this? You don’t think you do (Leech). But it might be a good idea.

“It… might help.” You mutter out.

“Ok.” She replies, quietly.

“I’m sorry.” You repeat.

“For what?” She repeats. Your chest tightens, but this time you answer.

“There's too much to apologize for.” You want to look away, but you need to face this (she'll be disgusted that you have done so much that you can’t even apologize correctly).

She looks… sad. Wait, sad? Not angry, disgusted, pissed, or even annoyed? Of course she looks that way; she cares about you. They all do (you need to remember that).

“Well…” Mira pauses again, thinking about what to say. “If you apologize for one thing. That will be one less thing you’ll have to apologize for later. So if you can just choose one thing to be sorry for. What would it be?” One thing to apologize for? Well, thinking about it, there is one thing you really need to apologize to Mira for.

“I’m sorry for what I said… The day before the King,” you say, you squeeze your eye shut, prepared to get hit again like you did on that day. But instead you hear.

“Oh… well. I won’t lie, I am still angry at you for that. What you said hurt. A lot. But” But? “I’ve had some time to think about a lot. About what you said, about that star who called themselves Loop, about how you turned 5 stories tall, about how you got stuck in a time loop and did all of that stuff because you apparently know how to use a lost form of craft and used it without realizing it, and about how apparently we met the change god, and while I still need to process a lot of it, above everything. I forgive you Siffrin. Yes, I’m angry at the words you said, but again, you were going through a time loop for Change knows how long.“(You know. It wasn’t that long, only 101 times; that's nothing. It doesn’t excuse what you did). But… She forgives you? Actually, really, forgive you? If she does, do the others? Despite the week you had with BonBon, you never asked if they forgave you, and you haven’t been able to talk to the other two that much. (Why would they forgive you? You're a monster from a place that doesn’t exist anymore; they have no reason to forgive you after what you did to them all.) But Mira forgave you right? Sure, she's still angry, which is fair, but if she forgives you. Surely the others will too… Right?

“Thanks, Mira.” You manage to say

“You’re welcome, Siffrin; we’re feelings buddies, you can talk to me anytime about them, ok? And if you need help, I’ll do my best.” Mira replies with more confidence than you're used to seeing from her.

“I know that the last time I tried it… didn’t go well, but you can also talk to me about your feelings too. Ok?” You ask

“I know Siffrin… Thank you.” Mira’s soft voice and gentle smile make you feel… good. 

In this moment you are loved

“Anyway, after that big talk and all the work we’ve done, I think we deserve a break. BonBon gave me some food for us to share.” Mira says before pulling a pair of sandwiches, some water, and some palmers out from a section in her pack. You take the food and start to indulge; the palmers less so due to the loops, but they’re still good. You didn’t eat the food in the loops that much because you kept skipping ahead of snack time, outside the food in the clock tower, that is, mostly because it took an embarrassingly long time to notice the peel in Dormont, so the quickest way to loop back without it was the corridor (Stars, you are such a blinding idiot). Anyway, enough thinking about the loops; time to enjoy this new food, in this room, with family a friend.

After all that food, you and Mira get back into the swing of things and manage to get a lot of work done in a short amount of time. You’re at the end of the pile, so the rest of it should be stuff from the earlier days of the house, back when even before the current Head Housemaiden was the Head Housemaiden. And it is while sorting through this pile that you hear Mira.

“Ow!” She shouts while clutching herself. 

“You ok? You cut yourself?” You immediately turn around, ready to use Done Heal on Mira.

“No, no, I think I’m fine, just got a headache…” She looks at you “SIFFRIN. You’re craft exhausted still. Don’t use craft!”

“Oh, right, sorry.” You quickly put your hands away... But what she said. “You got a headache?”

“Yeah,” she responds. “I saw something in the pile, and when I did, it gave me a headache. I should be fine though.” Something in the pile… could it be?

“Can I see it?”

“Siffrin, I don’t want you to get a headache.” She retorts.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be fine, I promise." It’s the only thing you can think of to say.

“Ok, fine, I don’t know what it was, but it was over there.” She points to a spot in the pile. You look towards it and see… A letter. You look at it; it's in your language. It’s here, in a letter. You equip Memory of Memories, you hear Bonnie’s cries for help, you feel a tear down your face.

“Siffrin you ok? Did something happen?” Mira looks at you 

“Sorry, it's nothing, just a memory popping up. Not the kind I can talk about yet. Sorry.” You hope she doesn’t push it; you don’t know what you would do if she does.

“Ok… If you're sure about it.” Good she didn’t. You look at the back of the letter and see

To: Nebby

From: Pop and Ma

Oh, it’s a letter to their kid here; the return address still gives you a headache despite the memory, and the receiving address is The House of Change here. Did someone from your country become a housemaiden of change? It wouldn’t be impossible, but who? Clearly this letter is from before it disappeared, but who is this letter for? Is this ‘Nebby’ still here? And if so, who are they? This one letter just gave you so many questions. The good news is that none of these questions are related to the loops, but your curiosity is still there; it's unopened, which is strange for such an old letter. Continuing to look at the unopened letter, you begin to think about if ‘Nebby’ ever had to deal with the same struggle as you, being foreign in the way only you are, from an island that doesn’t exist. Like how your accent was too different even when you spoke languages fluently, or how your clothing was strange and foreign to everyone else, or how no one would get anything about the stars or your little habits, or how your hair would always stand out because it was pure darkless—you even tried dying it pure lightless to fit in; that looked so bad on you… Wait. Pure darkless hair? Don’t you know a housemaiden with darkless hair?

“STARS, THIS LETTER IS FOR THE HEAD HOUSEMAIDEN!” You blurt out. You look up to see a very surprised, flinching Mira, who was definitely closer than normal not a second earlier.

“WHAT!?” Mira’s shock at your declaration is very apparent; you should probably explain your theory.

“Ok, so this letter is in the language of the island north of Vaugarde; no one remembers anything about it, including me, even though I’m from there. Anyone who tries to read the island’s language gets a headache; hence, you getting one seeing this letter.” You have to take a breath before continuing. Mira’s in stunned silence. ”During the loops I got the ability to read and speak the language of my homeland, and this letter is the only one we’ve found in that language, and it's addressed to someone here. So I was like. Who could that be? And that made me think about how I’ve always been seen differently due to my heritage that I didn’t even know about until the loops, one of those things being my pure darkless hair. MIRA SHE ALSO HAS THE SAME HAIR!” You finish your rambling and realize how a lot of it probably sounded like nonsense to her (like everything you say). “Oh stars, sorry it must sound like nonsense to you.”

“I mean… yeah, it did,” Mira says. You can’t help but feel a little sad still, even if you said it first. “b-but, it makes a lot of sense too. I don’t know much about the island, but thinking about it, I don’t remember the name anymore. And I know that when Euphie changed their body, she was sure to keep their hair the same. At least that's what she always told me. She said that even though it made her different from everyone else, even though that change is supposed to be something she does all the time as Headhousemaiden, she could never bring herself to change it, even if she didn’t know why. And again, that's another thing to process. That you’re from an island that everyone knows exists, but no one remembers anything about it. But that could explain some memory issues that you have, no?” Oh, you remember BonBon mentioning it before? That... makes a lot of sense, actually. 

“Wait, so you think I’m right?” You ask out of disbelief

“Yeah, I do. Is that surprising?” Mira asks back.

“I guess I shouldn’t be? I don’t know, I guess hearing you agree with something, this far out is… not what I was expecting.” You earnestly state.

“I mean, you know more about this stuff than I do, clearly, so I’ll take you at your word.” Mira reassures.

“Should I give this back to her?” You ask.

“Yeah, you probably should. Good thing tomorrow you can get out of the infirmary, right?”

“Yeah… good thing.” This infirmary has been the only room you’ve been in this past week, and while it has been fun hanging with the others, you can’t wait to see something else, even if that something else is just another room in this blinding house.

With that, you quickly finish up the pile, get the papers sent to their respective areas, and hold onto the letter so you can give it back to Euphie sometime soon. The others join for dinner. It's good food. Odile had taught BonBon to make something called gyoza, which you remember is a kind of dumpling from Ka Bue, stuffed with pork and various veggies, and seasonings before being pan-fried and steamed. You’re so glad to be eating something other than the soup or the food from the clock tower. Again you let the conversations of your family friends wash over you. You make sure you’re paying attention, though; no more zoning out. Your friends want to hang out with you first thing tomorrow, but you say that you have to do something first. Mira gives a knowing nod, and the others seem to notice and agree; the plan is to hang out after lunch and do something together. After plans are made, dinner ends like always, everyone leaves. Starting tomorrow you can stay in one of the other rooms, and knowing how it goes, it's going to be Isa’s room. Hopefully it doesn’t trigger anything loop-related. Before you sleep, you again look at Loop’s coin, hoping that they’re ok, and you also look at the letter, hoping that your hunch is right. Oh stars, if it's wrong and you embarrass yourself (you blinding idiot, your theories are never correct; of course you’re wrong on this too),

Tonight, the thought of being wrong makes it hard to sleep.

Chapter Text

You open your eyes… again.

Here you are again, floating, slightly spinning through the universe (or is it called ‘space’? You still can’t remember between the two. Maybe it’s both?). Wherever you are, you know you’re still floating, and it's getting nauseating. You try to gain some control, twisting your body to try and counteract or maybe control the spinning you’re currently under, and good news, your body seems to feel better after that… nap? Sleep? Rest? Whatever. Your head, on the other hand, feels like it's going to split open, and the star you ate is going to jump out and run away (Did you eat a literal star back then? Like, is a star just gone now because of you? (YOU’RE STUCK HERE TO REPLACE IT, AREN'T YOU?)

Anyways~☆☆☆ back to the task at hand, getting yourself centered because all this spinning is making your head worse by the second. You try to turn your body in the opposite direction of your drifting… you end up just kinda… wiggling.

Welp, that was worth a shot even if it didn’t end up working at all. Moving your head like that, though, makes the dizziness worse… great. Okay, new idea: you could try to move your arms and legs like you’re swimming. Would that work? You might as well try, and even if it doesn’t work, it's not like it's gonna make the headache worse… Right?

So you take your arms and… now that you think about it. When was the last time you swam? Have you ever gone swimming? If so, when was the last time you did? You must have at least a bit. You learned during Stardust’s loops that you and he were from an island, so surely swimming would have been something you did. But… you can’t remember when the last time you swam was… at this point you barely remember anything specific from even your own loops; clearly that must mean that you’re getting over them. The only things you can remember the details of are Stardust’s loops (How HE defeated the King. How HE was able to get out. How HE was able to get his perfect ending. While all you get is the memories of HIS pale imitations HE calls a family and the cold vacuum of space.) 

Oh, riiiiiiight~ you’re in a vacuum. You can’t use your arms and legs to move, because to move you need a force, and space doesn’t have any. So you’re stuck like this unless you can generate a force to move you, orrrrrrrr you’re lucky enough to find something moving to use as a platform or a resting spot. Stars, you can even see a good spot; the blinding moon is right there. If you could just get close enough, you can let gravity do the rest of the work.

So here you are… hoping some random rock passes by so you can grab onto it and just launch yourself to the blinding moon or something you don't know. As unlikely as that is. But what do you know? You’ve lived through stranger things than this. Stars, this headache is not making things better. Because why would anything be better for you? (You’re the one who failed the test. If you just talked to them, you wouldn’t be here. If you just weren’t a coward, you could have gotten your perfect ending. Instead killed your family and made ✧✧STARDUST✧✧) 

You don’t know how long you’ve just been… floating here, conscious, waiting. Stars, how long are you going to have to wait? How long have you waited already? Seconds? Minutes? Hours? Days? Weeks? Months? YEARS? You hope not years, but with how long you were in your loops and… Stardust’s. You can’t tell the time to save you or your replacement’s life.

Eventually, you see it. A rock, it's small, at least it looks that way, but it's heading your way. You just need to wait for it to get near, then you can reach out and hope that you can use it to maneuver yourself to the moon. (Stars, is the moon closer?) Afterwards, you’ll finally be on solid ground again. So you wait. And you wait. And you wait… Finally, the rock gets within range. Wow, Stars, that is much larger than you thought. If you can get onto it, then you could crawl on it and then jump off of it, and hopefully that will be enough force to send you towards the moon. You reach out for it, and…

You miss…

YOU MISSED!?

Thats fiiine~ It's still there; you just need to try again and get it.

You miss again…

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING!? (It’s because you deserve to be stuck like this. FOREVER IN PAIN. FOREVER ALONE)

The rock is too far by now… There's no way you’ll reach it now.

Stars… Stars… Why can’t you do anything right? You couldn’t protect BonBon without losing an eye. You can't make a wish without it blowing up in your face. Can’t save Vaugarde with an unlimited number of tries. Couldn’t talk to your family. Couldn’t even help Stardust without him having a mental breakdown. Couldn’t even kill him even when you had multiple tries. And you can’t even grab a blinding rock that was floating in front of you. (Useless. Dim. Blindingly idiotic Loop no real first name, no real middle name, no real last name. Not anymore).

Stars, you just wish want to rest (YOU LITERALLY JUST THOUGHT ABOUT HOW WISHES ALWAYS BLOW UP IN YOUR FACE.) There has got to be some way to get to solid ground. All you need is a push; that's all you need. Just enough to redirect your course towards the moon. You start to flail your arms like a child, hoping something will change. Nothing does… You don’t care; you’ve been stuck like this for so long you just stop caring about what you’re physically doing at this point. You just want to get to a spot where you can rest. You shout at the top of your lungs, your voice turning young, somewhat high-pitched, but undeniably yours.

“I WANNA GO TO THE MOON!”

(It's  what  you  WANT.)

You suddenly feel a jolt. You look around; you didn’t bump into anything, so why did—

OH MY STARS, YOU’RE MOVING. YOU’RE MOVING TOWARDS THE MOON! IT WORKED!

Wait… what worked? Stars if you used wishcraft right after you thought about how it never works… No, for some reason you know it wasn't wishcraft; you know you’re a blinding idiot, but you're not that much of a blinding idiot… right?

Either way, you don’t know why you doubt its wishcraft, but whatever you did was… different. Like, you’ve never done this before. At least not like this… whatever this is. Stars, what did you even do?

Whatever you did, IT WORKED! You have no idea what to do next. Who knows, maybe you can do some random crab (What did you just think? You never say crab unless you’re quoting? Who are you becoming?) on the moon, and one day, someone will invent space travel, and you can have a friend again; that would be nice. To talk to someone, anyway. You’ve already missed interaction even though it couldn’t have been that long since your little pep talk with Stardust (BECAUSE YOU’RE A LEECH. YOU WANT TO TAKE EVERYONE’S VALUABLE TIME AND FOCUS SO THEY CAN TALK TO YOU! YOU NEVER DESERVED THE FAMILY YOU HAD. YOU DESERVE TO BE ALONE FOREVER LIKE THIS). Stars, your mind really is breaking, huh?

Your mental state and that stuff can wait. You should celebrate that you’re finally going to be on solid ground… wait… you’re moving… towards solid ground… and you have no way of slowing you down… even if the moon’s gravity is lower (you hope it is). You’re still falling from an immense height.

OH CRA—

You can’t finish that thought before you hit the surface of the moon… You immediately fall unconscious.

You open your eyes… again, again.

And once again you’re floa—

Wait… no, you’re not. You’re not floating. You’re… ON SOLID GROUND. Granted, right now you can’t see anything, but you can feel your face on a very dusty, rough surface; abrasive would be a good way to describe it… you think so anyway. You should get up.

You put your hands onto the ground, the same abrasive surface now noticeable throughout your body, and you pick yourself up. You eventually manage to flip yourself over and sit down on the cratered surface, knees up but not fully curling into your body. It's… beautiful.

Wow. Stars, you’re actually here. On the moon… The debris and dust are floating near where you landed. It's rough, sure, but being here is also… comforting. You’ve always wanted to be here as a child. You would always look up at the moon at night, wondering what sitting on its surface must feel like, and now you’re here actually doing that. You look up and… you can’t see your planet (It's not yours anymore), so you must be on the dark side of the moon… huh… neat. Despite that, you can still see the stars clearly, and a couple of other planets are more visible than normal, but not by much.

You look around… you can still see Gemini, so that's cool. You trace the constellation with your hands again, making sure you actually remember it and not just losing your mind and making crab up (Wow you’re getting lots of mileage out of that one, huh?). But no, it's real; you can trace it all the same, like you did earlier, so that means…

YOU REMEMBERED A PART OF YOUR OLD LIFE?!?! STARS THAT'S… actually… How do you feel about this? You do feel… good. Maybe great? Elated even? But… it’s not your life to remember anymore, is it? It’s Stardust’s life (It's not yours. It's not yours. It's not yours. It's not yours. It's not yours. IT’S NOT YOURS! IT’S NOT YOURS!)

You… should do something. To get your mind off things. Maybe a walk will help? You fully push yourself off the ground. You add a little bit too much force, and you launch yourself off the ground. (YOU’RE FLOATING AWAY. YOU BLINDING IDIOT, YOU JUST LAUNCHED YOURSELF BACK INTO SPACE. YOU’RE—) Oh wait… you’re back on the ground… well… looks like you were being overdramatic for nothing.

Anyways~ your feet are on the ground, and you can move around now. Your body is still mostly fine. The impact might have caused something, but you can’t tell right now. Your head feels better too; whatever headache you have seems to have died down quite a bit since you’ve landed. It seems like not spinning can help with headaches. Who would have guessed? You finally look around the surface that you’re on instead of the stars and realize. You’re at the bottom of a crater. Stars, this is gonna take a while to climb out of, isn't it?

You start making your way towards the closest wall of the crater. The coarse surface scratches across your bare feet with each step; it hurts a bit (It's the least that you deserve, for everything you did) but you eventually reach the wall. Is it called a wall? You mean it's the end of a crater, so ‘wall’ sounds right. But craters are curved, so would ‘hill’ make more sense? No, that's not right either; hills are for bumps that go up, which is literally the opposite of a crater. Ah, blind it, it doesn’t matter; you just need to climb it. 

It starts less as a climb and more of a hike, as the… wall is steep but not steep enough to require the use of your hands until about halfway up; after that, though, it's a struggle. Less of a struggle of whether or not you physically can climb it—it never gets that steep, but it's more so a struggle of desperately doing whatever you can to stay on this wall and not fall off or launch yourself off, not because of the actual fall back down but because you feel like if you let go you’ll go back to floating and all the struggle to get here would have been for nothing (Stop being irrational; that's not how gravity works). You don’t care if that's how gravity works, you don’t want to let go, you know it's irrational, but you can’t stop fearing it (Stars, why must you be so aware of how broken you are?). 

Doesn’t matter, you can see it, the rim of the crater, it's right there. You… just… need… to… grab it.

You feel it; your fingers curl more on the higher surface of the moon. It feels nearly identical to the surface you’ve been on, but it's a little less dusty, a little less rough, a little less painful. You… like many things as of late, don’t know how to think about that. You should like that it hurts less, but… you think the pain helps you remember that you’re here and not under that STARS FORSAKEN TREE. 

Stars, you need to talk to someone. And the opportunity to do so might come sooner than you thought. You see a figure in the distance. Something about them is… familiar? Not in the ‘Oh, I know you!’ way but more the ‘Oh, I’ve seen you before’ way. They're too far away to tell for sure, though. So you do the only thing you can: you run. Each step you take feels like it takes too long; you don’t know whether that's because you’re excited to talk to someone new after only being able to effectively talk to yourself for a long, long time. Or because of the fact that being on the moon with its gravity makes it feel like you're moving through Odile’s slow craft constantly. Doesn’t matter; what does matter is that you can (hopefully) talk to someone… wait… what if this person just tries to kill you? (THEY SHOULD. YOU’RE A MONSTER.) Eh, if they talk to you, you’ll be able to claim some sanity; if they try to kill you, it won’t be your problem anymore.

As you approach the figure, that feeling of recognition still creeps closer into your mind. Even at this distance, though, it's hard to tell much about who they could be based on their body shape. They have a perfectly circular head; it's quite large, but you can’t see their hair or anything on the back of their head because a large cloak covers their whole body. The cloak they're wearing is similar to yours Stardust’s but instead of being pure darkless it instead has a design of a series of circles that expand from the neck, getting lighter the farther from the neck the circles are, and again, it has a hood with a horizontal bilateral symmetric design with circles along the sides of the hood getting lighter the farther from the sides the circles are. Why is this person familiar? There was not someone from the house; none of them wore a cloak like this, not a person from what you remember of your past, none of the cloaks had this circle design on them, definitely not a member of your Stardust’s family (You KILLED your family. NEVER FORGET THAT.) So who is this person? You finally get in front of them and…

It's… a Change God statue…

OF BLINDING COURSE ITS JUST A STATUE. THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU GET FOR GETTING YOUR HOPES UP. YOU’RE ON THE MOON FOR STAR'S SAKE; NO ONE ELSE IS HERE. WHO ELSE WOULD EVEN BE HERE? ANOTHER PERSON WHO BECAME A STAR BECAUSE THEY MADE NOT ONE BUT TWO IDIOTIC WISHES THAT BLEW UP LIKE A SUPERNOVA!? YOU’RE A ONE-OF-A-KIND IDIOT; NO ONE ELSE WOULD BE HERE WITH YOU. IT'S WHAT YOU DESERVE. YOU WANT TO SCREAM. YOU WANT TO CRY. YOU TURN AWAY AND FALL TO YOUR KNEES. YOU TRY TO SHOUT AS LOUD AS YOU CAN AND…

Nothing… absolute silence… no sound escapes your non-existent mouth… right, right vacuum, no medium to carry the sound. All you can do now is cry. Cry for your loneliness. Cry for how you failed. Cry for how you killed your family because of your failure. Cry for how you were stuck helping your better version through the same hell you were in. Cry for how you almost killed your better because you were jealous. Cry for how after everything you did, he still forgave you and thanked you for helping him, even though you just tried to kill him. Cry for how you’ll never be able to keep that promise because you’re stuck on the rock you dreamed to be on instead… Your tears immediately evaporate as soon as they leave your eyes.

You don’t know how long you stay there crying, pitying yourself, grieving what you lost, feeling pathetic. But then…

“don’t worry light, you can cry for as long as you need to (っ´ω`)ﾉ(╥ω╥)”

You turn around, eyes wide. Is that? 

“Stardust?” You want to say out loud but again… vacuum

This being seems to understand what you said though however. They look at you in the eyes and say.

“... *buzzer sound* ( *｀з´)
lost light!!! i can't believe u can't recognize me im famous after all! ಠ_ಠ” 

Who? Now they look like… BonBon…

Just who is this being… And why must they taunt you? 

Chapter Text

You open your eye.

You can finally leave this blinding room and go somewhere else. You’ve been stuck in here for over a week; granted, around half that week you were in a coma, but still. You’re so glad that you can stay in another place, even if you are still stuck in this stars-forsaken town for longer due to the exhaustion. You want to jump out a window and just run away, but at the same time, you know you can't; you have family friends here, and you won’t leave without them. So you’re stuck here until you’re better because they won’t let you leave until you’re better… You should get out of bed.

You take the covers off and hop out of bed. Your body is still sore from the general lack of movement, and you still feel sick, but you’re well enough, so it's fine. You change your clothes and put the cloak back on. Check all your pockets to make sure you have everything. Snacks, check. Woodblock (you didn’t end up using yours at all because you were mostly focused on BonBon’s), check. Coin, check (remember the promise). Dagger… check. And lastly, the letter you found, check.

You hold the letter in your hands, turning it onto the address side, and see the same thing: it being sent to a ‘Nebby’ from their parents, the return address being blurred and broken despite your new skills, while the receiving address is the house you’re in right now. The aging on the letter seems to be from around the time that the Head Housemaiden first joined the house; Mira mentioned that during the talk. Also, according to Mira, the Head Housemaiden specifically has kept her hair the same this whole time for a reason that seems to be even beyond her, which would normally be contradictory to the very faith she leads. Too many things just line up in your mind for there to not be at least some connection between the two… 

You wish hope anyway. Before you can either help the head of three of your four family members's friends, Faith, or die in embarrassment. You should get some breakfast at least; you can finally head to the kitchen and get something yourself, which is nice, having that kind of ability again, to do what you want, no script, no lines, just you. But what are you now? (A Monster). Maybe… but even monsters need food, so you try your best to walk to the kitchen. OK, you know it's on the first floor, so get there first, out of the infirmary, to the right, down the halls, back to the main room on the second floor, then down the two smaller rooms that lead to the stairs, go… down the stairs (stars that is weird, having to go down them; you remember never doing that in the loops for… reasons). From here it should be going to the left from the stairs, down the first two halls, then take a right at the last hall into the… dummy room? Inside, a variety of training dummies are found all around, either in progress or in storage, from archery dummies to clothes dummies (what are they called again?) to one just labeled ‘Hug dummy.’ How in the stars did you get here? You took the right path to the kitchen… right? You retrace the step you took in your mind. They are definitely right, but… forcing yourself to go through your memory again. You definitely passed rooms and doors, maybe even halls that you never saw in any of the loops. Did the King’s takeover close rooms out or something? You did always think that the house was a little… small for what is supposed to be the largest and most important house of change because of the whole Head Housemaiden thing… unless she isn’t the leader of the faith? You don’t know or remember if you’ve been told. That doesn’t matter right now; what matters now is that you have no idea where you’re supposed to go. You leave the ‘Dummy Room’ and look around… further down the hall there is another split… you walk down that path… you find the kitchen (of blinding course).

As you enter, you see a couple of housemaidens getting breakfast in line; it seems like they do it buffet style. Platters of eggs, bacon, pancakes, and various other common breakfast foods are all in view. You also see close to the front… Odile. It seems she notices you too cuz she looks at you and gives a small wave while in line; you wave back. As she gets her food, she passes by you and whispers.

“Let's meet in the dining room. I know you have stuff to do today, but let's chat. Just the two of us.” You nod in response; might as well, right?

When you get to the front, you see the counter. It seems like they replaced the broken part, but the brick they used is different from the material on the counter originally, so it looks different (your mark is here forever. Everyone will see how destructive you are.) You get your food and leave the kitchen quickly, doing your best to not stare at the broken counter. 

Ok, time to see if the dining/break room is in a different spot now. You go back the way you came but take a turn in one of the previous halls to see… the same break room you went in whenever you needed to do something on the first floor. You never really needed to, but having the extra tonics could help in a pinch. Those are gone now, oh well. Sitting at the furthest chair from the door is Odile; no one else seems to be in the room. That's strange, isn’t it breakfast time? Shouldn’t more people be in here? You guess that some of the housemaidens would eat in their rooms, but at least some would eat here, right? Maybe there are more dining rooms? You wouldn’t be that surprised. 

You sit on a chair directly across from Odile. You never sat in these chairs, but they feel… normal, but still strange. The cushions are of ok quality, not super nice and soft but not cheap either. The back support is nice, albeit it's just a couple of wood rails lining the back of the chair, but all of this feels… foreign still. You only ever got to sit down during the loops while on the ground during snack time, on a bench of some kind, or the night before the house in the clock tower. Stars, when was the last time you didn’t space out while you were sitting? Wait… did Odile say something?

“Siffrin... Did you hear what I asked?” She… asked, brow raised. STARS, YOU DIDN'T! BLINDING IDIOT! WHAT IF SHE REALIZES HOW BROKEN YOU ARE!? HOW UNCARING!? HOW MANIPULATIVE!? THEN THEY’LL ALL LEAVE! AND YOU’LL BE ALONE… alone. alone. alone. alone. alone. alone. alone. alone. alone. alone. alone. Alone.

“Siffrin.” Her voice cuts through your inner mind like Piercing Craft with an intensity that you normally only hear when it's necessary, but it's not uncaring. “Breathe with me?” Breathing… you think you can do that. Hopefully. She starts.

She breathes in…

You follow.

She breathes out…

You follow.

“Better?” You look at her, you see a small smile on her face, the reassuring kind. 

You feel… better, not by much, but… better. You lightly nod.

“Good. I know the stuff you went through was…” She looks away, a slight frown now visible on her face. “Difficult. I doubt that I would be in any better condition, physically or mentally, if I had to do the same.” Sounds fake; you’re pathetic compared to the others. 

“Maybe… I’d rather we not find out though.” A somber tone leaving your mouth.

“Fair enough.” She says it as if ‘finding out’ was even possible. “You should probably eat your food; you’re going to need it to recover quickly.” She flatly states

Oh, right. Food, that's something you’re supposed to eat. You look down at your plate; it seems like the food you have on it got shaken a little, not enough to spill anything, but the organization is gone now. Oh well, you can still eat it. It tastes… kinda bland? The eggs are under seasoned, the bacon is a little burnt, pancakes are a little too thick, but… it's new… it's not the soup you’ve had for the past week, and it's not anything you had in the loops. Sure, you liked the soup and sandwich more because BonBon made them, but… eating not necessarily bad food but also not necessarily good food… reminds you it's strange when you think about it like that (but you're broken, so your mind being strange is the least of your worries). You look up and see Odile, still eating but clearly keeping an eye on you (is it pity, concern, or caution?) you don’t know, but you should know what she asked.

“Odile?” you let your mouth say her name. 

“Yes, Siffrin?” She stops eating to pay full attention to you. (Why do her eyes both give you comfort and also burn you?)

“What… What did you ask me? Earlier when I wasn’t… paying attention.” You don’t know why you don’t want to say zone out, but you don’t want to, so you don’t.

“Oh… that… I was asking how you slept. You still look tired. Are you sure you don't need more sleep?” Oh. Well, you didn’t get that much sleep last night, mostly over the worry of being wrong (like you always are). 

“I’m fine.” Odile’s look seems unconvinced. “I just couldn’t sleep much cuz I’m worried about being wrong on something.” You hide your mouth in your cloak; it seems either doing that or the added comment dissuades some of her concern.

“Is it the kind of thing that I could help with?” Odile asks, curious, and continues. “I’d be glad to help if it will help your worries, especially if this is important enough to lose sleep over.” Is that a good idea? To tell her all this right now? Would she even believe you? You know it's a lot to say and also basically accusing the leader of your family friend's faith comes from the same place as you, which also has its own religion entirely separate from the religion that she now follows. But… Mira believed you, right? And out of everyone, Mira knows the Head Housemaiden better than anyone else, you know, so surely Odile can as well, right? Blind it; you might as well tell her.

“I think the Head Housemaiden is from the same island north of Vaugarde that I found out that the Kind and I are from.” Odile’s eyebrow raises higher than initially; she fully pushes her now empty plate away to put her book on the table and open it.

“Would you mind if I asked a couple of questions and wrote them down… I would understand a refusal of either request, however.” If you were asked to talk about the loops fully, you would probably run out of the room, but this… this should be written down, because who knows what that whole universe memory thing could do to you. You nod.

“Thank you, Siffrin. I can tell that this is important for you, so thank you for trusting me. Now the first thing I wanted to ask was, why did you refer to it as the ‘island north of Vaugarde’?” She doesn’t do air quotes herself, but you could feel them at that last part.

“Try to say its name.” You reply if you weren't so tired or serious, you might have been smug about it.

“It’s called…” Odile pauses, putting her hand on her chin in ‘the thinker’ pose. She writes something down and after continues to think, eyes darting around the room but not actually looking at anything in it. Then her eyes go wide, and she asks.

“If no one remembers anything about the island and you’re from the island, is that why when we would ask about your past, you would blank out partway and forget?” You nod (you're jealous everyone else gets to remember their past; you have nothing).

“And do you know if the island is where your subconscious knowledge of Wish Craft came from?” You nod again. She continues to write while asking. “Ok, and you only found out about all of these because of the—” You nod before she can finish that (you don’t want to think about the loops right now). She seems to notice the increased intensity of your nod. “Right now isn’t the time for those kinds of questions; that's for when the rest of us are present. Back to your theory. What made you think that The Head Housemaiden is from the same island?” Oh boy, actually speaking… lovely.

“A couple of reasons. I’ve found rooms that imply that someone in the house currently has interest in things that only people from the island would be interested in.”

“Such as?”

“Stars, planets, the universe, so on.” She writes something down.

“So all of those are related to your island’s culture?” You nod. She writes more down. “You said that there are a couple of reasons, though, right?” You nod again.

“Her hair is the same shade as mine. According to Mira, despite changing via Body Craft, she was sure to keep her hair the same, although the Head Housemaiden doesn’t know why they did that.” This time Odile simply nods while continuing to write. “Lastly, I found a letter. I would show it, but if you look at the language of the island, it causes a headache.” You can tell that mentioning the headache connected some mental dots in Odile’s head. “But the letter is addressed to someone in this house, and the aging on the letter seems to be around the time that the Head Housemaiden first joined the house, according to Mira.”

“You’ve mentioned Mirabelle a couple of times now. Did you find the letter while going through the documents with her?” You nod. She writes down some stuff… again.

“Anything else?” She asks. You shake your head in response. “In that case.” She puts away her pen and book before continuing. “I think you’re correct about your theory.” 

… She does?

Really?

You know you told yourself that she would, but… She really believes you? Your face must give away your reaction again because you hear.

“Yes, I really believe you, Siffrin. It just makes sense: the hair, the letter, the rooms. I’ve not seen the rooms, but if anyone knows about this place, it's you. If what Mirabelle says is correct, then the letter lines up well. And the only people I’ve seen with natural darkless hair are you, the King, and her, and if two out of those three people come from the same place, it's not crazy to think that the third might as well.” Do you really know these rooms, though? You got lost on the way here. Doesn’t matter, you remember what it was like, those rooms.

“Thank you, Odile.” You say you really mean it too; you feel… lighter only a little, but talking about this with another person is nice, even if it's the second time. 

“For helping with your theory?”

“... Yes, and also because we talked. I… needed it. I don’t know when I’ll be ready to talk more, but… this felt good.” You start to hide yourself in the cloak as you say this… It’s strange; it almost sounds like the script, but it's different now. The roles have been reversed; you’re the one getting helped, you’re the one talking about the past, even if you don’t have much of it, it feels nice but… undeserved. You should leave before Odile notices something. “Ok, I’ve got a letter to give and another talk to have. Cya, Odile.”

“See you at lunch, Siffrin.” She gives a small but kind smile. You get up, pick up your empty dishes, and return the smile; it feels genuine. You put the dishes away and make your way to the Head Housemaiden’s office.

You breathe in…

And breathe out…

You can do this.

Chapter Text

You look at this person, mimicking your BonBon, you know they’re gone (You killed them. You killed them all). Why must whoever this is mock your failure so? You thought that when you saw Stardust again you were pissed. But this THING?! Reminding you of your greatest failure? You don’t even say anything before you make a hand sign and you just attack… 

Nothing… nothing happens. Now they look like the King but… smaller. Doesn’t matter, you make a hand sign again and lunge at the ‘King’ they… catch it, in their hand.

“cmon little lost light thats mean dont attack people especially when you cant handle the consequences!! ( ` ω ´ )” you feel a squeeze, enough pressure to break your wrist, but somehow, you don’t hear a snap, you instead just feel the pain, then nothing. Your wrist goes limp. You can’t feel it anymore. Why? You focus on the hand holding your wrist. They’re not holding anything anymore so you should be able to see your wrist and hand now…

STARS IT'S GONE! YOUR HAND IS GONE!? DID THEY DESTROY IT SOMEHOW?! THAT'S WHY YOU CAN’T FEEL IT ANYMORE?! THEY BLINDING DESTROYED YOUR HAND!

“silly little lost light thats what you get for attacking someone unprovoked! dw tho i can forgive you (=`ω´=)”  Just who is strong enough to do this? They’re constantly changing forms, took your strongest attack like it was nothing, and completely destroyed your hand… you know that you and Stardust are most likely two of the strongest people in the world, well you’re not on that world anymore though… wait… changing? Like…

“Change God?” You again attempt to say without a medium for the sound to go through, but they still get it.

“*ding ding ding* YAY you got it!!!!!!٩(◕‿◕｡)۶ im the change god! ＠＾▽＾＠”. Now they look like… some tall lady with pure darkless hair? Who they are explains a bit but… now you have more questions. Why are they here? How did they get here? How are they speaking to you? How are you speaking to them? Why did they mock you? You do kind of deserve that whole hand thing, but you would like your hand back. Should probably ask how you’re even saying things to each other first.

“How are we even speaking? We’re in a vacuum, there is no air for the sound to use as a medium?”

“simple we’re using craft energy as a medium instead silly little lost light!! (￣ω￣)” Thats… interesting, that implies that craft is found everywhere even in areas without air. Next question.

“How and why are you even here?” there's no way that they actually care about you. They probably hate you.

“mostly curiosity i guess ヽ(ー_ー )ノits been a loooooooooong time since anyone has been near this statue… i noticed it and saw you crying then you attacked me then i broke your hand… oops looks like I did more than that sorry <(_ _)>  why’d you attack me anyway (⊙.⊙)? you stared at me for a while before doing that, and your eye flashed *** as you attacked (-_-;)・・・ right can’t say that oops ┐(︶▽︶)┌”  Say what? It probably won’t make a difference if you ask so you won’t. One last question, at least from the top of your head.

“Why did you…” a lump in your throat forms as you make it come out “look like BonBon?” You close your knees towards your body.

“i did that cuz i thought it would help you (ノωヽ)... i don’t understand humans that well despite everything so i thought seeing a loved one would help (ﾉ_ヽ) did it not (・・ ) ?” you shake your head. Now they look like the statue you saw, the eyes in the shape of the moon. “then i’ll look like this then, for now anyway (o^ ^o)” there’s an uncomfortable silence for a bit after that. You’re just sitting on the ground and the Change God is just hopping around on the low gravity on the moon…

Stars you attacked the blinding CHANGE GOD! No wonder they took your hand, thinking on it you’re lucky that's all that happened. You know of many stories of people being disrespectful to gods and getting a divine punishment. Like the one where someone tried to create something not connected to the Universe and it responded by having the being they made kill the creator, a very morbid tale to tell a 6 year old but it still taught you about respecting the Universe. You look at the stump that was your hand, your star-like body makes it almost hard to tell where your arm ends and the Universe starts. The Change God looks back towards you and tilts their head.

“why haven’t you repaired that yet (??_??)” What? Your entire hand is gone, you can’t just… make it better even with healing craft, if you could you’d still have your eye… you forgot you lost an eye, that's why you couldn’t get that rock, you’ve spent so long being able to see that you have two eyes you forgot one of them still doesn’t work and that your depth perception is shot, not like you needed it up till then.

“I can’t? Healing craft can’t replace limbs? It's gone now, Change God.” You know you shouldn’t be disrespectful to a god but you can’t help but be a little annoyed with the Change God’s lack of knowledge of craft, despite them being able to pick up your voice using craft.

“WAIT… DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT YOU ARE!?!?! ლ(ಠ_ಠ ლ)”. What you are? You tilt your head to the side and raise an eyebrow. The Change God seems to pick up on this. “what do you think youre made of little lost light (￣ω￣?)”. What you’re made of? I mean you’re clearly not human anymore. From your skin, to your head, to how you can’t eat or even breathe (You can fake breathing though. It helps). But what are you made of now? The star you ate? No, actual stars are too heavy, whatever you ate wasn’t a real star. What was the thing you ate then? You don’t remember much of when you made that wish. You just remember making it, seeing everything else disappear, and being met there with the ‘star’ and you ate it, then you ended up at the favor tree. If it wasn’t a real star but it gave immense power, namely much more power over craft does that mean that you’re made of.

“Craft energy?” You’re still in the same pose, head tilted brow and knees raised.

“*ding ding ding* correct again little lost light!! good job!!! (ﾉ´ヮ`)ﾉ*: ･ and what does that mean for how you function?(¬‿¬ )“. How you… function? What could that even begin to mean? Think Loop, think. If ‘how you function’ has to do with how you’re made of craft then it must be related to craft in some way… maybe your craft type? Actually what craft type are you? Sure during your fight with Stardust you mostly threw out piercing attacks like you used to but all of Stardust’s attacks didn’t hurt more or less than normal, no matter the type of craft they used. Are you typeless craft now?

“Am I typeless? No longer bound by piercing, protecting, or creative?” You ask

The Change God makes a so-so motion with their hand and says 

“well… you are typeless now buuuuuuuttt thats not what i meant (ᓀ ᓀ) i meant more what being made of craft allows you to do („¬ᴗ¬„) think about the various applications of craft… that might help” Various applications of craft? Well you can use craft to attack using the three types, heal, buff or debuff, imbue into objects in order to make them do little things like dance or move. No none of that sounds right for this it sounds… bigger than those kinds of applications. What else is there? There’s Wish craft and Time Craft, neither of those could help. Wait a second… isn’t there another form of craft? One that the Change God likes especially? 

“Body craft?” It's the last thing you can think of but… it can’t replace limbs right? Again if it could then you would have gotten your eye repaired long ago and you wouldn’t have missed that BLINDING ROCK. Despite that, the Change God lights up, well at least as much as a statue with no mouth can light up.

“*ding ding ding* YOU GOT IT!!!! body craft!!! ٩(◕‿◕)۶” Their arms shoot up in joy for you figuring it out but again… it can’t replace parts… right?

“I still don’t get it though. Sure body craft can be used to change your body, but you can’t use it to replace an arm; right?”

“wellllll normally no, you can’t replace parts of your body using body craft, that's because craft can’t make flesh, it instead changes flesh… but ur not made of flesh anymore… are you (￢‿￢ )?” That… you… what? 

“Wait, so if you're made of craft and body craft changes flesh but you have no flesh just craft… you can use body craft to change craft into body parts? Therefore allowing the creation of missing body parts?” This doesn’t make any sense to you, but the Change God simply nods in response.

So… You can use body craft to create new parts for yourself… Cool; you guess? You have no idea on how to use body craft but it's a start… Should you ask the Change God how to use it? They must be willing to help if they're still here so you might as well.

“Change God… How do I use body craft?” The question causes the Change God to tilt their head in response.

“whataya mean (・_・ヾ you already used it once” WHAT? What do they mean you’ve already used body craft? Seems the confusion is obvious because the Change God continues. “when you were struggling to get here, you made your back a little jet and pushed yourself towards here… silly little lost light did you forget (¯ . ¯٥)” Wait… you did that? You do remember feeling a jolt on your back right before you started moving towards here, so it makes sense. Stars that means you can actually use body craft that way… huh. You should probably try to do so. If back then you used body craft, then maybe going through the same mental steps could help?

Well, when you first did it, it was similar to how wish craft is normally done but you didn’t wish for anything you wanted for the change to happen. So what do you want? Obviously you want your hand back.

(It's  what  you  WANT.)

You look down at your once lost hand and see… A darkless, starless hand? Wait… did you remake your old old hand? From back when you were… them. You never specified which hand you wanted back you guess, so this is what you get. Stars body craft is weird. Well you did it… you got a hand back, and something else to, your chest, that mark or scar or star or whatever it is, it's glowing now, that same shade when Stardust became big. It seems lighter though when compared to when Stardust went big, like that shade got mixed with darkless. You wonder what that's all about? Now that you think about it… You’re kind of exhausted, not that much but you do feel a little tired.

“i forgot to mention that using craft that way does use a lot of craft and you’re probs still tuckered out from earlier (っ´ω`)ﾉ dw tho eating and resting will get you regain lost craft energy ( ˙꒳​˙ )” Thats… good to know. Wait… eating? You can eat things? But you don’t have a… right you can body craft yourself a mouth. But they’re right you should probably rest again soon, maybe then you can get this body craft thing better.

“Alright I’ll go to sleep for now. Will you still be here when I wake up?” You don’t really know how to feel for them but they're your only company here so you would like at least someone to talk to.

“well… in a way i’m °˖✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧˖° everywhere but i’ll keep extra focus on this spot for when u wake up… k ( ᵔ ⩊ ᵔ )?” You nod back. 

“Thanks… Change God” You manage to at least say thank you to them, even if they mocked you, it was on accident and you got what you deserved for it, even after you attacked them they still forgave you… like Stardust did. You still have his coin, your promise, somehow despite everything it has not left your side, you still hold onto that hope.

Your eyes slowly close with the coin clutched to your body.

You hear the Change God say "good night silly little lost light ⊂(￣▽￣)⊃"

"Good night" Is all you manage to say back.

And you fall into a dreamless sleep.

Chapter Text

You can do this.

It's just a talk, simple as that. You just need to tell the Head Housemaiden that you think that she’s from an entirely different country that no one remembers, with the only people from the island who are still alive being you, that boulanger you met (why did you run?), and technically the King (curse him for being able to remember), with a culture that taught you how to create the time loop, even though you didn’t know it at the time. And you only think all of this because of her hair color and the fact that you found a letter that might belong to her. You have no idea whether it is really the case until you ask her, though, and even then she probably won’t remember anything, so this whole thing might be hopeless from the start.

Too late to back out now, though. You already told two people about this; if you avoid this now, you know you’ll be forced to talk about it with your family friends, and you’ve already done a lot of talking to them. It's not like talking to someone else is much better, but maybe she’ll be able to understand you. Not that you would ever discount how much your family friends care for you. It’s just that this kind of thing… you can’t talk to them about this yet, not as much as you’re about to say to her. If you do… (They’ll see how broken you are. How unfixable, they’ll be disgusted).

Ok, from the dining room hall, down to that other hall, now that you're taking your time walking, there are definitely more rooms than you saw during your time here in the loops. You don’t know how to feel about that fact. On one hand, it's another reminder that you’re out, not stuck repeating the same lines, same halls, same walls. Sure, it is the same place, but its new walls, new halls, new… lines. And the new terrifies you as well; you’re so used to the same old, same old that the new feels both like something you don’t deserve and something that will torture you.

New lines. That's the one that scares you the most, and now you’re about to talk to someone you barely know but have seen and ‘talked’ to dozens of times. Stars give you strength, and Stars let your hunch be correct. You can’t wish anymore; you know where that leads. But praying? That might not be a bad idea. Well, maybe not in the House of Change, though; it feels wrong to pray to the Universe while in the house of another deity.

Enough thinking about that for now, though; you need to get back to the task at hand. Finding that blinding office. You make your way to the main room of the first floor and see… a map, in the center of the room, on a board. Of blinding course, you didn’t notice the map earlier; you could have avoided that situation if you just paid attention. The good news is that the Head Housemaiden’s office is in the same spot and is open. The bad news is that before the halls where the office is are the halls where many of the dormitory rooms are located, so you’ll have to walk through a lot of halls on the way, not too bad all things considered, but an inconvenience nonetheless.

But, you know where to go now; you aren’t going to get lost and have another panic attack because you’re stupid and don’t pay attention to your surroundings. You’re fine; after all, you know what to do.

And so you go. From the main room, up the stairs, past the empty room, into the main room, to the left side, past that one weirdly separated hall with two paths that lead to the same door, you see now that the separation is for some of the dorm rooms in the house; past this hall are many more halls for rooms. As you continue on your way, you hear one of the doors open, and out steps… Isa, he closes the door before turning around towards you; he flinches a little as he sees you (it's because you’re a monster, you disgust him. Why would he ever love you?) even though it's true he doesn’t say it.

“Oh hey, didn’t see ya there, Sif. Did you sleep well? You still look a little out of it. Sure you’re still not exhausted?” You really didn’t sleep that much in the first place, so technically your sleep wasn’t unwell… uuhhhhhhgggg. If you lie, though, knowing him, he’ll catch on quick; just say you’re nervous to be out of the infirmary.

“No… no headache or ickiness that I had while I was craft sick. I just didn’t sleep much, though; I'm just kind of nervous, is all, finally being up and about. Y’know?” You really don’t feel like having another big talk right now, not right before the big talk you have planned.

“I guess that's kind of fair. Being nervous, I mean… after everything that happened, it's… understandable.” Isa looks away from you, a more somber look on his face as he grabs his sleeve like he always does. “Well, I won’t keep you waiting, Sif. I know there was that thing you wanted to do today, so I’ll get out of your way… so you can do that!” He seems… flustered the more he talks to you. Before you can say anything else, he quickly runs down the hall in the direction away from the office. He was acting... strange? You know he tends to get somewhat flustered around you, but… that seemed a bit much? You barely even talked, so what could…

OH STARS, THE CONFESSION! You completely forgot that he actually confessed to you finally! After all this time, after all the almosts, he really said that he loved you. And said you love him too… Do you, though? Do you really love him? In that way, anyway? Obviously you love him, but you love all of your family friends. You know that what you feel for him is different, you think. But is it the love he feels? You don’t know… You know that Isa’s idea of that kind of relationship is probably very different from what you could ever do… even for him. Even if you manage to work all of that out… Do you deserve to love in that way? Do you deserve to be loved in that way? You did so many things during those 101 loops (YOU ASSAULTED HIM, YOU MONSTER!). No…no, he said it himself…maybe all you need is practice. Either way, whether you feel for him that way or not, you know you’ll have to talk to him about it eventually. You think back to that woodblock BonBon gave you. You could make it into an Isa figure and give it as a gift; that way it will give you some time to think about how to have this talk with him. And your feelings…

Anyway, no more detours. It’s time. You continue to make your way to the Head Housemaiden’s office.

You’re here. Right outside the door. Right… outside… the door. Come on, you can do this, just knock… JUST KNOCK!

… Stars, why is this so hard? You can feel your hands shaking as you stand here. The only thing you can see is the door, but you wouldn’t be surprised if any of the housemaidens were staring at you. You can do this. You need to do this. 

Why, though? Mira could have returned the letter, you could have just discarded it, or you could have just dropped it off to her; why do it like this? You know why? It's because you're selfish and an idiot. A blinding idiot who thinks that all because you have a letter and someone who has the same hair color as you, that they must be connected, and that they must be from the same place as you. And selfish because you want it to be the case, even though you know that being from there is torture… because you just want someone who understands (Stars, you’re disgusting). You’ve accepted that, though, that you’re a monster, that you don’t deserve anything you have, that you’ll be lucky if you aren’t kicked out of the house for assuming something like this. After all, the Change God hates clinging to the past right?

It's too late now, though. No backing off, no running away; if you do, then you’ll just look weirder than you already do, with clothes that no one else has seen before, with hair that only one other person has, and with an accent that is unheard of. Stars, is her accent the same as yours? Have you ever paid attention to her voice enough to notice? Of course you have. You’ve heard her over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and ov—

You hear a creak.

“Oh… Traveling one? Are you alright?” The question snaps you out of… whatever you were in, mostly because hearing that voice makes you flinch and makes you look up towards the sound. It’s her, the Head Housemaiden, standing in front of you. What do you do? She asked a question, so you should answer. What do you say, though? Answer truthfully? Lie? Run? Say nothing and stand there like a blinding idiot? It seems like you’re doing a whole lot of that last option right now. You need to calm down before you can say anything.

You breathe in…

And you breathe out…

You feel better, you look up, and you see the Head Housemaiden. Yup, she's there… right in front of you still… 

Stars you did that in front of her with no context! She doesn’t know about you at all. All she’s picked up so far is that you’re a weirdo who likes to stand in front of doors breathing. Stars, what is wrong with you? Apologize!

“Sorry. I-I do that when I get stressed out. But to answer your question, I’m fine! I just wanted to talk to you, is all.” She gives a … look of some kind before answering.

“Oh... sure. Would you like to step into my office?” 

Her question is simple enough; you nod, and she lets you into the office. You close the door behind you as you step in. It looks like the stack of papers in the front of the table is gone, same thing with that list; that might be for the best. In their place is another chair on the other side of the table; it seems like other people have been talking to the Head Housemaiden here.

“So,” she starts while sitting into her own chair, “what would you like to talk about?” Stars, how do you say this? Do you rip the bandaid off? Just show the letter? No, you shouldn’t show the letter; she’ll probably get a headache if she does. Ask where she is from? No, that might risk memory issues like it does for you. Maybe ask how she got here? That’ll definitely sound weird to ask. You know you shouldn’t just start with the whole ‘Hey, you're from a country that no one remembers, right?’. No, none of those will work. You need something to help broach the topic of origin. Well… she is the Head Housemaiden. You could ask questions about Change? You did want to ask a couple of things about that, so starting with that might be good.

“I want to ask about the Change belief.” This is your answer… for now.

“Oh? And you wanted to ask me? I’m sure Mirabelle would be able to answer any question about Change. Are you thinking of converting?” You really shouldn’t convert, considering how the Change God themselves told you that they disliked the loops, the loops you caused. That other question, though… no, you can’t ask Mira about this; you’ve already hurt her enough, and some of the things you want to ask are about her. You shake your head before answering.

“No, I don’t think I’ll follow the belief that well. And I have a feeling that you would answer these questions better than Mira would… you are the head of the belief, no?”

“Well… no, actually. I’m only the head of this house; the Change belief has no ‘head of faith’ or what have you. It allows each house to show change in their own, slightly different ways, instead of having one uniform hierarchy.” Oh… that makes sense. That's on you for assuming, you guess. “But if you don’t want to ask Mirabelle these questions, then I’ll happily answer what I can for you.” That's nice of her. The real question, though, is what to ask first. What's it like being a housemaiden? No, anyone can answer that. Maybe her experience with the faith? That could work. Maybe how you met the Change God? She might think you’re crazy if you say that, but it could be funny. Maybe why? Like, why change? What's body craft like? That might be insensitive. Eventually you ask.

“Did you always follow the Change belief?” You hope that you don’t mess up and trigger something. She thinks for a bit and answers with.

“I’ve been following Change for as long as I remember.” welp that question told you basically nothing. Maybe ask not about her but instead about the worries you have of the Change belief; you don’t like how Mira feels pigeonholed to bond. It’s your main issue with the faith, honestly; being forced to change, having to bond to someone just sounds… wrong. What if bonding isn’t for you?

“Do you… always have to change?”

“What do you mean by that?” Her head tilts very slightly at that question.

“Well… from what I know, you are supposed to change, maybe even multiple times, constantly destroying and recreating yourself. But what if you like how you are? What if you don’t want to change anymore? What if you’re comfortable as you are? Do you still have to change, then?” She smiles before answering.

“Well, don’t take my advice for the whole of the Change belief, but in my opinion and for those under this House of Change, no, you don’t need to constantly change in order for your faith to be known. Granted you should change, but you don’t always have to change in the ways people think; just by living you’ll eventually change naturally, even if it's small.”

“What if the way you don’t want to change is a way that you’re told you have to change? A change that everyone else does and you’re told that you’ll do it one day, but you can’t ever see yourself changing in that way?”

“A change that everyone—” She cuts herself off, surprised by what you said, before figuring out what you really meant by that (Stars, you idiot, she knows you’re talking about Mira; she's going to get kicked out, and she’ll blame you for it. It's all your fault. It's all your fault. It's all your fault. It's all your fault.) “Oh… traveling one, you’re a good friend.” What? She continues before you can say anything. “I understand why you couldn’t ask Mirabelle this now. She hasn’t said anything about it to me, but before the King, she had bonding papers, and the look on her face going through them… I knew she wouldn’t be happy like that. I wanted to talk to her about it, but before I could, well… the King showed up, and I was too focused on that to talk to her about it.” Does that mean that…

“You’re not mad at her for being that way?”

“Of course not, Traveling One. Mirabelle is an amazing housemaiden; it would be a shame to lose her over something like not wanting to bond or love someone that way. She’s still changed so much since I last saw her. Seeing her with you all, you’re all like family to her, and that's still change.” Did she say… family? You doubt that the others would see you that way if you asked them… you’re just friends after all… and that's fine. “And stars if I held anything about her not wanting to bond against her, then I’d be quite the hypocrite. I don’t know if you know this, but when I changed my body, I refused to change my hair in any way. Everything else was fine, but I just… I couldn't let my hair change. Even to this day, though, I don’t know why I like my hair the way it is, but I do, and I’ll keep it that way. And I’m sure Mirabelle feels the same; she doesn’t want a relationship like that, but she needs to know it's ok.” So that comment Mira made about her hair is true, not that you would doubt her, but having the Head Housemaiden tell you herself is good. 

“I would tell her that, but…” You hide yourself in your cloak. How much does she know about the loops? Should you tell her that you know this because of them? No, just tell her what Mira told you this loop. “She said she wanted to figure it out herself. I hope she does, even if it takes a while.”

“I see,” she responds. “Well, if she does figure it out while I’m not with her, tell her that she still is a good housemaiden, ok?” You nod; of course you will. “Now then, is there anything else you wish to talk to me about?” Oh stars, this is it. C’mon, it’s the whole reason why you went here in the first place; just take out the letter. But… you still can't; you're just frozen in place, not shaking but just not moving either. The Head Housemaiden reads this as a ‘no’ as she says. “If you don’t have anything to ask for now. May I ask you something? Just a small favor is all.” She wants to ask you for something?

“What kind of favor?” You want to know what she wants with you before you agree to anything.

“Nothing much. I was just told that you were the one in your party responsible for storing items and keys that were important throughout your journey. I would assume that given how you went through the house by yourself, you would have kept those keys on you.” Oh right, you didn’t check to make sure you still had those keys, but you check through your cloak's pockets, and sure enough, the keys you used are still there. You take out the keys and put them on the desk.

“Here, this should be all of them.” You somewhat flatly state.

“Ah, thank you, Traveling One. I can sort them out from here. May I ask for another favor?” Wow, she must really need your help if she’s asking again right away.

“What is it?” You ask.

“Well… before you came in, I was about to go somewhere to try and find something important to me, but… it might hurt to get it, so never mind, I’ll find it.” Wait, something that hurts to get? What could that be? The way she said it makes it sound like it could be a trap that needs to get disarmed, but most of those were already disarmed, and she said ‘important to me,’ which means it's something personal… could it be?

As she gets up so she can say her goodbyes and lead you on your way. You stand up and reach into your pocket and pull out the letter, making sure that the side with text is facing you just in case. 

She covers her mouth with her hand, the same face she made at the end. But now she just… stares, eyes wide. First at the letter, then to you.

Dead silence fills the room.

Chapter Text

You open your eyes.

Your head is…slanted? Like you’re on a pillow or something, but it doesn’t feel like that; it still feels like your head is on a rock. You look to your side and see… the head of the Change God statue? You look to the other side and realize.

That blinding deity put your head on top of the statue as you slept?! You jolt up from your lying position and see the Change God statue lying down on its back, small legs and feet now visible as well. You still can’t see the arms in this position, though. Also, you notice a necklace around the statue as well, with a medallion that has the same repeating circle motif you’ve noticed a couple of times before. If you remember correctly, the circle thing is about being a part of something bigger? That sounds familiar…

Oh, you remember. That's a similar philosophy to the Universe. The Universe is found everywhere, in everything; therefore, everything is connected, everything is the Universe. You are part of the Universe; the stars and moon and other planets are part of the Universe. Stars, even the Change God is a part of the Universe and they’re another deity entirely. You remember how craft was just another form of worship to the Universe itself, because by interacting with the world in that way, you’re interacting with the Universe in the way you desire. Wishcraft’s main principle behind all the rituals is that the rituals are there to show your desire for your wish being granted so then the Universe can make it happen. If you keep your desires and wishes to yourself, the Universe can’t grant them because they don’t know them…

Now hold on a blinding second… Isn’t what you just thought… STUFF FROM YOUR HOME!?!? OH STARS, YOU REMEMBER THINGS? MORE THINGS! THINGS YOU DIDN’T EVEN WISH TO KNOW, LIKE GEMINI! HOW? Does this have to do with your wish? The wish that affected the island? Something else entirely? And more importantly, why are you seemingly no longer affected? And even more importantly… Can you remember everything? 

You try and you try and you try to remember something… nothing new, just the same memories you’ve been remembering throughout your time here. Gemini, your childhood dream, this, you even remember those little bits that Stardust would remember during their treks through the house, only to forget partway in. You remember them, though, but nothing new.

You can’t be that surprised; you barely even remember anything from your loops, so things from even earlier than that should be nearly impossible to remember… but you still do remember, at least these small pieces. Thinking back on it, maybe you just need to let your subconscious remember for you; it seems to have worked so far anyway. What other option do you have?

Speaking of that childhood dream… you definitely wanted to jump on the moon, didn’t you? You’re still scared to do so, still afraid that you’ll jump too high and get stuck back in space. But you absolutely wanted to jump on the moon as a kid. I mean, who wouldn’t? Ok, stop going in circles in your head; you’ll never end unless you end it yourself… You do want to try and jump, plus worst comes to worst, you can always just use body craft and use the same trick you did on accident… right? So, you bend your knees, preparing to spring yourself off the ground and launch yourself into the air (yeah, you know what jumping is, you blinding idiot). You close your eyes and let your legs straighten and fully leave the ground. Oh Stars, it feels like when you were floating, OPEN YOUR EYES, you do so and…

You’re like a foot or two off the ground… You land, your feet feeling that rough surface you’ve gotten used to by now, and you instinctively bend your knees a little bit to absorb the impact, but again, foot off the ground on the blinding moon, not much impact to absorb. Stars, you're a blinding idiot. Well, maybe you should try jumping with your eyes open so you don’t have the Universe’s dumbest panic attack. You do all the same prep as you did last time, but this time you keep your eyes open and…

You go a little bit higher, maybe 3-4 feet off the ground, and land the same. You can definitely go higher if you want, but honestly? You kind of like just doing smaller hops and skips across the low gravity of the moon; it's fun, you get why the Change God did this earlier. Speaking of which, where are they? You don’t see them lying down in that spot they were at earlier, so where could—

“HEY SILLY LITTLE LOST LIGHT!!!! ☆(o*･ω･)ﾉ”  The Change god suddenly is directly in front of you, right before you were about to skip again. The surprise knocks you off your feet… You land, star first, onto the rough ground. You can feel your legs take a significantly longer time to reach the ground; it’s almost comical… too bad you can’t see it; it probably is comical. You can guess so by the Change God’s laughter; while normally their voice seems to be the voice of whoever they take the form of, when they're in their current form it comes off… like a small child who likes being random. Their laughter, on the other hand, at least right now, seems to be constantly changing voices as to who the laughter is from. Honestly it makes the laugh a little unnerving, but you’ve heard worse noises in your life. The sounds of bones crunching and snapping as they’re slammed into the ground and walls come to mind…

You don’t want to think of that right now, so it's time to think of something else, probably getting yourself off the ground. You lift yourself up, letting yourself get slightly launched into the air in the process, and land on your feet. You look at the Change God, still in the statue form. They probably don’t like having to stick to that form. Do you have issues with them changing, though? You don’t think so. So long as they don’t change into your… Stardust’s family, then you should be fine; it might make them happier if you let them, and Stars knows that you shouldn’t get on a deity’s bad side (you probably already are now that you think about it).

“You know my only issue was you turning into Stardust’s party, right? You can change your form if you want. I have a feeling that a being like you doesn’t like being forced into the same form for long periods of time.” The Change God immediately turns into that same Darkless haired woman again after you say this.

“YIIPPEEE °˖✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧˖°”. The change God throws their hands up, and somehow, confetti shows up and starts floating in the air… How did they get that? You stare at the confetti as it very slowly falls towards the ground, eventually flowing down and staying on the ground. Great, now if or when someone gets on the moon, there'll be a pile of confetti waiting for them.

Confetti on the surface of the moon doesn’t matter, not to you anyway. What does matter is what you should do next… What should you do next? Stay on the moon and just wait for more company? That's what you wanted to do when you first got here, but… thinking about it for more than ten seconds makes you realize that that would be a terrible idea. Do you know how long it would take for someone else to go onto the moon? Probably centuries, if not longer. Stars, you’ll probably be dead by then. And while you… appreciate(?) the Change God’s company, you know that your mind will collapse if they're the only person you can talk to forever.

So… now you’re back to not knowing what to do next. Greeeeaaat… You mean you can’t just stay here, but like, where do you go? Leave the moon and try to explore the other planets? No, as far as you know, there isn’t any life on them, not to mention you’d most likely die from the impact. Sure, you survived the impact from the moon, but you doubt that the gravity of the planets would be low enough to survive that impact, and you’d rather not find out. You definitely aren't going back to floating around in space. That leaves the only real option as… going back… to your planet. It was called ‘Earth,’ right?

That is what your people called it, you think so anyway. But how would you even get back? You’ll probably die if you just launched yourself back towards the earth, so that's not an option, not like you can build something to make the landing survivable. What about craft? Normal craft isn’t an option, as far as you know. While there might be craft to either teleport yourself or slow your fall, you don’t know how to use either of them, and even if you did, you doubt that would let you take a fall that big. Body craft could work; you could try and craft a body to survive the fall, but you don’t know what kind of body would be able to survive, and you don’t have multiple chances to experiment anymore (Did you just want to be in the loops?). You could try and use time craft again like you did when you fought Stardust, but… just the thought of going back scares you now; you feel like you’ll wake up on the field again if you try to use it; you’d rather die. So no time craft, even if you subconsciously want to. That leaves the last option as…

Could you use wish craft? While your opinion on it has… diminished due to its part in you and Stardust’s suffering, you can’t help but still feel a connection to it. It’s what your people did to show faith, like body craft is for Vaugarde. Sure,  all forms of weaving are used by your people, but wish weaving is the most important because it lets the Universe hear you, instead of using the Universe around you to do things, like other forms of weaving… Wait… Weaving?

Is that, is that what your people called craft? It sounds… nice. Weaving, weave, you don’t know if weave is used, but you think weaving is used. Huh, either way it's so refreshing to not have a mind full of holes anymore. Despite the fact that the Universe gave you those holes in the first place, you can’t help but thank the Universe for filling the holes back in. Although you are still angry at it for letting those holes happen in the first place, you know it doesn’t view good or evil in what wishes it grants, but you still feel like the Universe messed up with whatever it did that caused your home to disappear like it did. Although you also know that ‘The Universe leads, we can only follow.’ so maybe everything that happened was just the Universe leading you to this point, to where you’re able to remember.

Either way, you don’t know if you can get a ritual powerful enough to get you back, at least not right now. That's fine though; you can wait or try to remember one that doesn’t require something like a tree or something like that because… well… you’re on the moon.

It’s nice to have a plan, and now that you think about it, you can tell someone about your plan. Stars, that's exciting; you’re starting to get why Stardust liked talking about his theories to you now. You look over to the Change God, now doing a little dance, jumping around, now changing forms constantly, from some people in that town you might recognize to people you have no memory of. You’re glad that they’re happy; at least you think they’re happy. It’s still strange, though; you thought that the Change God hated you for what you did. But here they are, helping you, dancing around the moon, popping out of nowhere to seemingly check in on you. You should ask them for advice for your ‘plan.’ Before they start to hate you again.

“Hey… Change God?” You see them snap towards you and change into a form that is a rather large, muscular, dark-skinned, dark-haired woman wearing middle-toned fishing waders, a lighter-toned work raincoat, and a large, darkless, brimmed hat. For some reason this person looks… familiar? You know it's not someone from the town or from home, so who is this person? It doesn't matter right now; you need to pay attention to the conversation you initiated.

“yeahhuh? (o_O)” Their voice is deep, a little gruff, a little masculine even, but still feminine at the same time, like a girl who works in rough conditions; maybe a fisherwoman?

“I was wondering if I could ask for some advice?” You need to see if this is even possible, and a deity might be knowledgeable enough to tell you if that is the case. Thinking on it more, the Change God most likely has more information than you can realize, considering what they said about your eye.

“i’d be happy to help you, silly little lost light ( ´ ω ` )” They change into… you? Before continuing. “how can I help you on this wonderful new loop life, silly little lost light? (☆▽☆)” Oh… so that's why they changed into you. Them quoting you like that makes you laugh; you were not expecting them to pull a bit like that. After calming down, you reply.

“Well, I know I can’t really stay here forever; even with you as a companion, I’d probably go insane again if I tried to stay on the moon. I know that if I just tried to go back to Earth the same way I got here, I’d die, and most craft can’t help. But if I made a wish to go back… do you think that would work? I’d rather not get hyperfocused on an idea if there is no way it will work.” You’ll not make that mistake again. The Change God once again turns into that darkless haired tall woman (must be important if they keep changing into her) and answers.

“i’m no expert when it comes to wish craft, buuuuuuuuuuuuut (-_-;)・・・” The Change God pauses, putting their index fingers together.

“Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut?” You say back, wondering where they’re going with this after saying that they're ‘not an expert.’

“i think you’ll be fiiiiiiiiiiine ┐(￣ヮ￣)┌” Ok then? Before you can ask about the long pause, they continue. “theres just a lot you need to think about before making a wish like that (⌒‿⌒) like where would you go? you'd always be welcome at a house of change, but after what happened… even i’d understand never wanting to step foot in one again (ノ_<。) or what about your form (・・?) i’m all for looking like that but it might still be a good idea to change more hehe (￣ω￣)”. They’re right; you do need to get those sorted out before you even think about making the wish. You can do both at the same time, but you should probably be alone, at least for the change part. Actually, do you want a new body? It doesn’t take that much to think before realizing that yes, you do. This form is missing a lot, namely a mouth, and you’ve been told that you can eat things, so a mouth would be a good idea, amongst other things.

“I… should think about those things. Actually, yeah, I do want to change, but I don’t know how exactly yet. Got any advice for that?” The Change God stays as the darkless-haired woman while replying. Stars, this person, whoever they are, is very tall, like they’re sitting on their knees and are still nearly your height.

“well idk how u are when it comes to changing mentally mostly cuz of the whole ‘getting stuck in a timeloop so long you forgot everyone and even you stopped changing for a while’” WAIT THEY KNOW ABOUT THAT?!? You can’t help but interrupt the same as you thought.

“WAIT YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?!?”

“silly little lost light” they suddenly change into you again, but… only when the Universe forced you to do something.

“I HAVE SEEN IT ALL. JK, i've already done that bit with ur stardust★★★ im not doin it again lol (*¯︶¯*)” Oh yeah, you remember when Stardust told you about how touching the housemaiden’s Mirabelle’s statue again did that. (You know their names now, DON’T FORGET AGAIN, YOU BLINDING IDIOT… even if they're not your family party.)

They change again, back into that same woman with darkless hair. “so ya idk bout how ur changing mentally, i think just doing this stuff is changing buuutttttt when it comes to changing your body hmmmmmmmmmmmm (¯―¯٥) “ They seem to take a long time to think about this, they eventually say something that might be advice.

“when it comes to ur body, think of it less like a rigid form u have… and more of a costume!!”

“A costume?” Where are they going with this?

“Yaya what form you have isn’t permanent, especially for u, ucan use body craft however and whenever u want, no need to wait long periods of time, u can just do it (✧ω✧) SO JUST DO IT! if ur costume doesn’t fit, then take it off and try again, until u change in the way u like.”  OH STARS you didn’t even think about using body craft multiple times, you can just keep changing whenever you like. That's so cool! You kind of want to try right now, but… if regenerating your hand got your… scar? To go off, wouldn’t changing your whole body be too much? You should probably ask about this.

“If regrowing a hand causes some slight exhaustion. Wouldn’t changing my whole body be a bit much to do all at once?”

“welllllllllllllllllllll actually changing the craft you already have in ur body is way easier than changing craft around u into ur body, so no, using body craft to change ur whole body would take the same energy as like… regrowing a single finger so you’ll be fiiiiiiiiine (´ ∀ ` *) how else do u think i change so much hm?” That last part implies… that your nature is similar to that of the LITERAL CHANGE GOD! STARS WHAT? OK THAT'S SOMETHING GOING INTO THE ‘think about later’ PILE RIGHT NOW ALONG WITH ALL THE TRAUMA!

“So you're saying that if I make something it takes a lot of energy, but if I change something it uses a lot less?” You never really said make before this, but you get that regrowing would be making something new out of craft around you. It seems you were right, as the Change God simply gives you a thumbs up and nods. So making new parts takes more energy… but what about repairing broken parts… like your eye?

“What about my eye? Would that take more or less energy to do?” You would like the ability to see out of both eyes again, and if this is the way you do it, then so be it.

“Hmmmmmmmmmmm, considering that body craft cant normally do that it would probs take more energy than normal, but i would guess that it would be less energy than regrowing a hand because you still have the eye, but idk ive never had to do that stuff sooooo ¯\_(ツ)_/¯” they shrug. Well, at least you can try to do it… you think. Maybe do that first.

Same as when you repaired the hand, you don’t wish but want to regain your eyesight in your left eye. This time you also put your hands over the eye, concentrating not only your want but more craft into the eye.

(It's  what  you  WANT.)

You uncover your left eye, and… stars, you’re dizzy. You look around, and everything suddenly has more… well… depth to it, but it's nauseating right now. You try to look down to adjust easier, and you instead see your chest glowing that same shade as before… Whoops, guess repairing an eye takes a lot out of you. This feels so much worse than repairing your hand, though, but that's most likely because you haven’t adjusted to the new depth that you can see. You want to take a nap.

“Ok Change God Imma go to sleep again because everything hurts; m’kay?”

You can’t really tell how the Change God responds because before you know it, you fall star first onto the ground, unconscious.

Chapter Text

The silence is deafening.

You hate the face she is making; it’s reminding you of how she’d make that same face anytime you talked to her at the end of a loop. How’d she apologize, how she would say that something was rotting, failing, how she’d asked for forgiveness at the end. You hate it, but you can’t blame her for it either. You look back from her to the letter, making sure you showed the side without the language, then back to her. It seems she noticed your eye’s movement; it snaps her out slightly, and she…

Takes a deep breath in…. and out…

It’s the same thing you do. Whenever you panic too much or you do something stressful, you always take a deep breath… You didn’t know where you learned this habit, but seeing someone else do it… you think you know now. It’s another piece of your home, at least if you were right about the Head Housemaiden, then it might be.

“Where… where did you find it?” The Head Housemaiden asks; she's no longer covering her mouth, now she holds a curious expression. Right, no time to think about that; answer the question.

“When I was sorting through documents with Mira, she found it and got a headache, so I took it to find who it belonged to.” You leave out the part where you ‘knew’ who it belonged to.

“Ah, so that’s where it was. Thank you, traveling one, for holding onto it.” She smiles at you; it’s still a familiar face, but you can’t blame her for that. Should you ask if it’s hers with the way she’s talking, it must be right? Before you can ask, she makes a confused face and says. “Wait, aren’t you looking at the side with text? How are you not getting a headache?” Oh, she doesn’t know? You thought that if this is her letter, then she must also be able to read it. Maybe she assumes that you can’t read it?

“Oh, I can read it.” You reply nonchalantly.

“YOU CAN READ IT?!”  Her eyes go wide. Oh, that’s… surprising to her? You’ve never seen her make that face before; she is definitely surprised but also… excited? Like someone being given a surprise gift. You never gave her the bright flower, but you wonder if her reaction would be like her right now.

“Can you not?” You say back.

“NO! I get a headache whenever I look at the side with text!” She doesn’t seem angry at you, but seeing this less calm side of her is very strange indeed. This must not be hers then if she can’t read it.

“Ah, sorry, I thought with what you said earlier that it would be yours, but if it’s not, I’ll try and find who it belongs to.” You start to put it back, but then.

“Nononono, don’t put it away; it is mine. At least I think it is.”  She thinks? She also continues. “Well, I remember having that letter with me since I first got here. I could never read it, though; anytime I tried, it would give me a headache the more I looked at it.” Oh, so it is hers; she just forgot how to read the language like you did. That makes sense… you guess… but that also means…

STARS, YOU WERE RIGHT! She is from the island. But if she can’t read the language. Is she like you, where you didn’t know until you found out during the loops? You should ask her… actually, should you? You mean if you do ask her and she doesn’t know, would it be a good idea to tell her? Because you don’t know if it’s better for her to stay blissfully ignorant of that or not. No, she’s smart enough to figure it out if you don’t tell her; you already told her that you know how to read the language, so she’ll figure it out eventually. So, you might as well tell her now; it’s why you came here after all.

“Soo… can I ask a strange question?” You know it’s rude to just say what you want to say, so phrasing it as a question is probably for the best.

“Define strange.”  You should have been more specific with that question. Oh well.

“I want to ask a more… personal question… about your past.” It’s the best way you can put it without just saying it. She thinks about it for a bit and says,

“Is… is this about the letter?” Ugh, you wish just want to ask this question already. You get why she’s suspicious; you showed up at her door, waited for her to open it, walked in, talked about her faith, messed up, then pulled out a very personal letter out of nowhere.

“It’s... related.” you answer. She thinks about it more, deliberating between letting you continue and throwing you out of the House.

“Ok… sure, considering that you have the letter, you may ask.” Thank Stars for that; now all you have to do is ask if she knows where she is from, and you can go from there.

“…” You hide your face in your cloak and put your feet on the chair, pressing your knees into your body. You know the answer already, but you… ask anyway. “Do you remember… where you’re from?”

 Silence… again fills the room… you can’t bring yourself to look up from the ground… you messed up, didn’t you? (She’s probably disgusted that you even asked such an insensitive question; she’s going to throw you out of the House and separate you from your family friends. Why hasn’t she done it already?) (WHY HASN’T SHE DONE IT ALREADY! YOU KNOW THAT IT'S COMING! WHY WON’T SHE JUST GET IT OVER WITH!) Out of frustration, you look up, ready to meet her face of disgust with a look of fury of your own. You look up and…

She’s… sitting on her chair with her feet on it… knees curled to her body, looking towards the ground with a somber expression on her face… then she… smiles?

“Sorry for the awkward silence; what you said just reminded me of the last time someone asked me that.” Hwhat? Someone has asked this before? When? Why? You were angry, but all of that faded and has been replaced with confusion. She notices it. “When I first became… ‘gal pals’ with Claude, she asked the same question on a date. I’m sorry, traveling one; I wish I knew back then or now, but I don’t.” Ok, so she doesn’t know. It makes sense, you guess. You could just tell her where you’re both from, but… you should ask before giving her that burden. You look towards the ground again and ask… your… question.

“Do you want to know?”

The next thing you know, you hear a very loud, very sudden SLAM. The sudden noise causes you to jolt; you nearly fall off your chair in the process, you definitely don’t say ‘Nyah’.

“DO YOU KNOW?! HOW? WHAT? WHERE?” Ah… you guess if someone asked you, ‘Hey, wanna know where you’re from?’ you’d probably have a similar reaction; you should answer those questions though.

“Yes, I know. I found out during… my journey through the House. And uhhhhhh, I’ll tell you, but I need to warn you first.”

“Warn me!?” Her voice is quieter than it was a moment ago, but it’s still loud.

“Firstly, this is from a hunch. During my time here, I found out where I was from, and from a couple of details and this letter, it makes me think we’re from the same place. Secondly, knowing… gives a want… a want to know more, to remember more, to do something about it. But as far as I know… it’s impossible to do anything about any of those.” The Head Housemaiden asks the next logical question.

“Why would knowing where you’re from make you think you know where I’m from?” You can’t tell if she is angry at you or genuinely curious about this. But also, you should explain your thought process to her; she deserves it.

“Well… firstly, the letter, the language it’s written in is the same language as my home, so there is that connection. Next, during my run through of this place, I found a couple of places that… no one outside of someone from my home would be interested in. Lastly,” you point towards her hair and back to yours. “the hair, everyone else with the same hair shade ended up being from there; that,with everything else, basically confirms it in my eye. Although it seems we also share a couple of habits as well.”  She seems to dwell on this information for a bit, then she asks.

“So, the letter is written in the language of your home; that makes sense. About those ‘places’ you found in the House, what places are you talking about?”

“While exploring the House, I found an observatory filled with papers and charts of the stars and a telescope as well. Considering that you’re the Head Housemaiden I thought you would be the one to designate the rooms of the house. The stars seem to disinterest anyone else; any time that I try to talk to them about the stars, they just…”

“Don’t believe you or care.” The Head Housemaiden finishes that sentence; at this point she is sitting back in the chair, back to looking on the ground.  You nod and make a sound of agreement. She takes a quick breath before saying. “While that room was made before I became Head Housemaiden, you are right that I had a hand in creating it. Me and a… friend both convinced the Head Housemaiden at the time to let us take that room and make it one. They didn’t have an interest in the stars, but they saw how much it meant to us and let us make it. We tried teaching a class once… only for no one to show up, so it ended up becoming a place only he and I would go to.” The way she is talking right now, it sounds like… this friend is… you shouldn’t push it; it would be rude to do so. “And… hair? You said?” It sounds creepy out of context, but yes, her hair was the bit that made you realize this whole thing in the first place, along with the letter.

“Like I said, everyone with that hair shade that I’ve met ended up being from where I’m from.”

“Everyone? Even-” She doesn’t need to finish that sentence; you know who she is talking about. You nod; her face sours at the thought. “Is where… we’re from why he did it? Did all of this to Vaugarde?” You nod again. It is. He wanted Vaugarde to be forever preserved in its beauty. It's disgusting what he did… but you can’t blame him, can you? (You did the same thing after all.) 

“In his mind, freezing Vaugarde was the only way to prevent it from… disappearing.”

“So that means our home is… gone.” You nod again. You feel like if she gets any more sad, then a sadness will pop out of her, then that glimmer of hope you know you’ve felt before during your time in the loops is shown on her face. “You said you knew where it was, though, no? So, is there a chance that it's… not gone forever?”

“I… don’t know if it’ll ever come back. I only learned where it was during the trek through the house with my party.” Her face goes from sad and possibly depressed at all this information to confused.

“But you went through the house by yourself, right? You didn’t go through the house with Mirabelle and them, right? Or are you talking about when…”  Ah, Stars, damn it; you really didn’t want to mention the loops at all. You know that she knows at least a little; you’ll have to at least confirm this much. You nod once again. A look of pure guilt is plastered across her face. “I’m… so sorry that it happened to you. If I’d just… known sooner, then I could have… done something about it, prevented you from going through that. I just hope that one day, you can learn to-” You don’t want to hear her say that again.

“You couldn’t have done anything about it anyway.” You say before you can hear that dreaded line again, the coldness of your declaration is noticeable even to you. You continue anyway. “It wasn’t just the collective wish of Vaugarde to be saved that got me stuck there; it’s my fault that it happened to me. Not Vaugarde’s, and not yours.” You still dislike the fact that she gave you false hope for so long, but you know it’s not her fault (it's all yours). She still looks guilty about it, but maybe a little less. “I would rather not talk about the loops, anyway; just know that I only found all this out because of them. So I’ll ask again. Do you want to know? Where you’re from? Before you get your hopes up, knowing doesn’t help. The want to be… known in that way still eats at you. The way that people ignore the culture is still there. Honestly, knowing may not even be good with how everything about the place gets… erased from your mind. So, if you don’t want to know, then I won’t---"

 You hear another SLAM. And just like last time, you jump up a little at the sudden noise, you look at her, and… is she… crying? You know you’ve seen it before, but now it feels… different now.

“Please.” She sobs. “Tell me. I don’t care if it eats me because it all already has been eating at me for so long. I don’t care if it doesn’t help. I just, I just. I just need to know. So please. Tell me.”

You can do nothing but oblige. “You know the island north of Vaugarde? That’s where it is. The island is physically still there, as far as I know but. The country, the culture, the people, everything is gone. And for some reason the Universe decided to erase all memories of the place from everyone left. I had to go through torture just to know how to read my own blinding language.” She giggles a little bit. What? Why is she laughing? She knows the struggle, but she still mocks you?

“Sorry, sorry.” You hear her say through her tears that up to a moment ago were due to sadness. “I just understand what you meant by habits now. I don’t say it that much nowadays because swearing isn’t the best look for a Head Housemaiden but I remember saying blinding as well. It was just… nice to hear someone else say it again, I guess. Again, I’m sorry for laughing at that. But… Thank you, traveling one. It’s… good to know. I know that everything about it will eat at me, but knowing where makes me feel… a little more whole, I guess.” You’re… glad to have helped? You get the laughing, though. It was just a little inappropriate, but it’s fine; you’re fine. “But you can really read the language? The language of… our people?”

You know it’s not the first time she’s said it, but hearing her say "our" instead of "your" fills you with a feeling you haven’t felt before. The feeling of someone who truly knows what it’s like to be you, of not remembering anything, of people not caring what you say, of not fitting in, of always feeling like something is missing. And now you can share it too, because you can speak it to someone who truly gets it. “Yes, I can.” You reply. Her eyes almost light up; you can’t tell if it’s because she’s happy or if the water in her eyes just makes them sparkly.

“Can-can you read the letter? I haven’t opened it because I could never read it, but you can read it. Would you read it to me?”

OH STARS? SHE WANTS YOU TO READ IT? BUT IT'S FROM HER PARENTS! YOU CAN’T READ SOMETHING THAT PERSONAL! THAT WOULD BE AN INVASION OF PRIVACY! You immediately shout. “I don’t know; it's from your parents, and that feels wrong!” Her eyes go wide with shock at what you said.

“IT’S FROM MY PARENTS!?” You two are way too loud; there is no way that someone isn’t listening in at this point. Too late now; you just have to roll with it. “NOW YOU HAVE TO READ IT TO ME! YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN TRAVELING ONE!”

“ARE YOU SURE!?” You shout back, matching her volume. She suddenly seems to realize how loud she is and immediately quiets down.

“Yes, please. I need to know. I am sorry for asking for so much traveling one but… please.” You don’t have an issue with helping; you just feel like you’re going to read too much about someone you barely know. But you also dislike knowing things about people that they themselves don’t know… so you should read her the letter; that way everything that you could know about her, she’ll know it too.

“Ok. I’ll do it.” It’s time. First, the part with the information.

“To: Nebby

From: Pop and Ma

The rest of the text is just the addresses; the return address is unreadable, even to me. Should I open it? Or you?”

She reaches out a hand silently. You put the letter in her hands; they’re shaking, both yours and her hands. She takes it and pulls out a letter opener; you can’t tell much of it, but for a moment it looked like the handle was made to look like the night sky, stars and all. She takes her letter opener and carefully… slides it through the envelope, freeing the letter from its over-decade-long prison. She, careful not to look at the contents and give herself a headache, gives the letter back to you. You take it, unfold the paper, and begin reading.

Dear Sweet Little Nebula,

We hope this letter finds you well. If we timed it right, it should be delivered to the house right when you arrive. We are so happy that you’ve found your passion in this ‘change belief’ and got into the cultural exchange program. We know that you’ll be gone for a while, but we hope that you know that we’ll love you no matter who you are, what you do, how you change, or who you love. Because above everything, you are our child, and nothing can take that away from us or you. Also, your little sister started walking recently; we got to see them take their first steps a couple of days ago. It was so cute seeing them stand up. We’re proud of them and proud of you too.

Honestly, it might have been best for you to leave home when you did. Tensions back home are rising quickly, and you’re too young to get caught up in it; you're at the age where you need to learn about the world, not get into local politics.  Don’t worry about us, though; we’ll be fine. We’ve been together through thick and thin, and even if things here are tense, everything will be ok.Don’t worry about us; the Universe will protect us.

May the Universe guide you. And may the change god change you for the better?

Sincerely,

Your Ma and Pop

PS: Next time you come to visit or when you send a letter back, let us know more about the change god so we know what to write at the end for you ♡.

You finish reading the letter, translating to the best of your ability. When you get to the part that mentions the wish, you decide to just tell her it’s censored to you, but the rest of the letter is fine. This whole time you were focused on translating, you hadn’t noticed the quiet sobs until you finished reading and looked up at her. Once again, she is curled up on her chair, her cries just barely noticeable to you, even now. Should you say something? Something about how you ‘get it’? How you understand her pain? No, you shouldn’t (don’t make this about you), plus you don’t get it, not anymore. Because you don’t know your family, you’ve forgotten about them, and you don’t get a letter to remember them. The only things from your family that you have are the cloak and the hat… that’s now gone (You lost half of what you had to remember your past, you blinding idiot). You don’t know the pain of finding a family that’s already lost, so you won’t say anything.

For what seems like the umpteenth time, the room is filled with silence. The only noise to be heard in the room being the quiet, nearly impossible-to-hear sniffles of the Head Housemaiden. Eventually, though, even that slowly fades… and all you’re left with is the quiet. That is until…

“Thank you, traveling one.” Her voice is still quiet, but you can hear the genuine appreciation in it. “I would have never found out any of this without you. It does still hurt, but… just knowing that my family was real, that what I lost was real, that everything I thought of about the stars and the universe and wish craft was real. It means the world to me, traveling one, so thank you.”

“It’s why I came here.” You admit your voice matching her volume. “I wanted to know if… you were like me. It sounds terrible, I know, but… just knowing someone else knows what it's like is… comforting.” That’s why you can’t lose your family friends now; you can’t go through it again, if you did forget… but you did. Didn’t you? Even if it was only temporary, even though Loop was right there to remind you. You forgot them. You don’t know how to feel about that. Besides, this isn’t about you; it’s about helping the… Head Housemaiden.

STARS! YOU DON’T EVEN REMEMBER HER NAME! YOU BLINDING, CRABBING, MATTED GEMSTONE OF AN IDIOT! YOU NEVER REMEMBER ANYTHING ANYMORE, HUH?! FIRST HER, THEN EVERYONE ELSE! YOU’LL FORGET, YOU’LL FORGET, YOU’LL FORGET, YOU’LL FORGET, YOU’LL FORGET, YOU’LL FORGET, YOU’LL FORGET, YOU’LL FORGET, YOU’LL FORGET, YOU’LL FORGET, YOU’LL FORGET, YOU’LL FORGET, YOU’LL---

“Traveling one!? Are you alright?!” What? Oh, stars, your hands are gripping your head pretty hard. You must have started pulling on your hair because your head hurts. “C-can you breathe with me, traveling one? She must use this trick to calm people down as well, which makes sense considering how people must talk to her a lot. Weirdly enough, unlike the other times you’ve had to do this with someone else, you both go at the same time.

You both breathe in…

And both breathe out…

It takes a moment, but you eventually calm down enough to think more. It’s nice that she was concerned with your well-being, but you still feel guilty for making her do that for you; you already dislike it when your family friends do that—you don’t matter after all. But when a near stranger does it? You feel arguably worse; after all, you're just the ‘traveling one’ to her, you shouldn’t matter to her, you're nothing compared to a head of a House… wait.

Has she only referred to you as ‘Traveling One’? You think back on it… yes. This whole time she has only referred to you as 'Traveling One’, and if she only calls you that, does that mean?

“Did you forget my name?” You say it as casually as you can. Seems the accusation hit a little… hard. She jolts at the question, her face going from concern to surprise to shame almost immediately. She starts rambling.

“I-I’m sorry, traveling one, I know that you and your friends have said your name before. Mirabelle has told me a few stories about you while you were still recovering, and I think she said your name in them. But I’m sorry I forgot your name!” She is about to bow to you, pleading for forgiveness, but before she can, this is too funny, you start to laugh, like really laugh, nearly memory-of puns level of laughing. This is all just too funny to you. Here you are, spiraling because you forgot someone’s name, only to find out that the same person also forgot your name. The Head Housemaiden has a face of mild concern again.

“Ummm… traveling one? Are you okay? Again I’m---” You wave your hand up as a sign for her to stop before you say.

“No… no, it’s fine. It’s just funny; believe me, you’re not the only one who forgot names here.” You say while wiping a couple of tears from your face. She seems to catch the implication quickly, as after a moment, she also starts giggling.

“Oh… I guess that is pretty funny. Are you sure you're okay, though?” She says through her own set of giggles.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just… needed a moment, is all.” At this point you say, ‘I’m fine’ like it’s your catchphrase.  But…

She’s been able to settle down here, despite the issues that coming from there comes with. She might have advice or things that help her; you’ve never had time to figure out any of that because up until the loops, you had no idea what was going on with you. But it seems that maybe she’s been more aware of these things than you were, so maybe she knows how to deal with it better than you. You should ask; you’ve already said so much, so why not ask a little more at this point?

“Can I ask you something?” This whole thing has been going on for a while, but you need to know if anything can help with these issues you’ve only recently learned.

“Only if I can ask you something in return.” She also wants something to know from you? That seems fair. You nod. She makes a motion for you to say what you want to say.

“Do you… forget things? Like, do you start talking about something or thinking about something, then partway in you just… blank out? And then you just forget what you were doing beforehand?” She nods, her face back into a more somber mood. “Okay. Do you do or have anything that can… help you remember? Because I haven’t noticed this at all until well… yaknow… the loops.” She makes one of those mhm sounds of agreement before answering.

“I get what you mean. I do… forget things, mostly when talking to others, although I guess it can be harder to tell when it’s something you think instead of say. When it comes to advice, though… all I can say is if your friends know what’s going on, they’ll help you; it’s the best thing that has helped me, someone to remind me what I’ve said and done. Claude tends to be there to remind me when I blank out like that, or they’ll write it down if they can, so then the memory is saved in a way that can’t be taken so easily as it tends to be for me. So, if you can get someone to write those kinds of things down, that would be for the best.”

Someone to write it down… It’s a good thing you are friends with someone who loves to write things; getting Odile to help with your issues could be for the best. At least these issues. Oh, right, she had a question as well.

“That’s all I got. What was your question?” You are curious what else she has to ask you. You hope that you can answer the question well.

“Oh, right. I was wondering… can you teach me? The language, I mean. I… want to know it, connect to home that way, I guess.” OH. That’s what she wants. Okay, you might be able to do this, but… wouldn’t she get a headache the whole time? Will she continue to get headaches anytime she writes or reads it?

“I… can try? I don’t know if I can help you not get a headache from it. But if I can teach you, I’d be glad to, for however long I have here anyway.” Honestly, the sooner you can get out of here, the better. But it would be cruel to not at least try to teach her, so you can try; it’s all you can do.

Her eyes beam with joy as she stands up and--- “thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou…” She clears her throat before continuing. “I mean thank you, traveling one. For everything, from saving us to helping with so much, to trying, to… understanding.” You stand up and reply with.

“You’re welcome. And thank you, Head Housemaiden. For everything, from helping me calm down to understanding everything, and for the advice.” Oh, right, you’re both still using titles instead of names; you should change that. “Also. It’s Siffrin, nice to meet you.” You can’t help but make it a joke a little, with the ‘nice to meet you’ bit. You haven’t made a proper joke in a while; you probably missed a lot of opportunities to do so. Oh well, you’ll just have to come up with good ones for lunch.

She giggles at the bit a bit and returns. “Euphrasie, nice to meet you as well.”

You have no idea how to leave the conversation; you don’t think you have anything to say. So… do you just say you're off to lunch? Just a simple ‘goodbye’? some secret third thing? Seems the secret third option is ‘stand there like a blinding idiot,’ because before you can say anything, the Head Housemaiden Euphrasie interrupts your thoughts.

“Well… to be fully honest. This conversation, while great, has been, for lack of a better way to put it… exhausting, so I’m off to lunch. Would you like to walk with me?” Oh, thank the stars she said something first; you don’t know how long you would have stood there like a deer in front of a carriage if she didn’t say anything. You nod and make your way to the door. You open it and see…

Mira?

Chapter Text

You open your eyes.

You’re still dizzy from last time, but now, a little less so. You push yourself off the ground again, using the low gravity to your advantage to make it easier. Stars, at this point you’re pretty sure you’ve landed star first more often than you have just laid down normally.

But Stars, seeing out of both eyes again is… new… different, and that’s what you need right now. New, different, surprising… a change. Stars, you must sound like a housemaiden at this point. You start to look around, trying to get a feel for the new depth that you can see in everything; it’s very… polarizing. On one hand, being able to see things at the correct depth is great. On the other hand, right now, everything just looks… wrong, like everything is just placed incorrectly to you. From the floor to the rocks, to the crater, to the mirror, to the other planets and stars. Wait… what? You look again and see…

A mirror. Like a full-body-sized mirror, just… on the moon. What in the stars happened while you were knocked out? You look into the mirror and see… Oh stars, is that what you look like? You know you’ve seen your form a couple of times cuz there was that puddle in the forest you would walk around whenever Stardust was away, but you’ve never seen the form like this before; a small puddle and a mirror offer two very different viewing experiences.

Your form is… strange. You can’t think of any other word for it. You have no visible ears but can still hear. You have no mouth, but you can still talk. Your skin goes from pure darkless at the star, to lightless from the shoulders down, with smaller star-like dots dotting your body. Your chest has that massive four-point star on it, the one that glows when you use too much craft; that shade is still strange. Your eyes are nothing like your old ones, which is to be expected. Seems like your old ‘bad’ eye still has that lighter shade in the pupil, though. Interesting. You thought that it would go away when you restored its function, but you guess not. Eh, it’s fine; you kinda like it actually. The last real thing of note being…

Your… ‘Star,’ as you’ve been calling it, it’s not too subtle  a glow making the surrounding area just slightly brighter, its jagged, uneven edges showing the chaos of your mind front and center, the lack of any other parts outside the eyes showing that you’re not human (that was taken from you when you made that wish).

But you can change that now. With the knowledge that the Change God gave you, you can make this form whatever you want. You just need to start… Where do you start? Sure, you have basically infinite tries, but… which form do you even try out first? A random person from that town? A new form entirely. Your old… no, it’s not your form (not anymore), you could still try it, though. Maybe you should ask the Change God for a good starting-off point…

Where are they? You look around the local area, and while you see the statue, it’s not moving. You glance at the mirror again and see a… note? You pick it up and begin reading.

hey imma be away from here to check up on some other things lmk when u done with ur body craft and ill be bak. i need to get sum things 2 so good luck little lost light ˖✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧˖

PS in case of emergency/when u done use dat call craft thing u did with ur stardust, the statue should be close enough to work with it.

Oh? You can call them? That’s interesting. You thought that its range limit would be an issue for it to be of any use here, but if the statue is right here and the Change God seems to be in the statues, then you guess it makes a little sense. But they only want to be called in an emergency or when you’re done. Itseems they’re busy, so calling them for just advice might be a bad idea. You wonder what they are doing, though; checking up on 'some other things' could be as simple as looking at the unfrozen people, to stalking Stardust.

So now you’re back to not knowing what to try first. You continue to use the mirror to see what your current form is like… your hand… it’s still… that old one… UHHG, FINE, YOU’LL TRY TO LOOK LIKE STARDUST FIRST! You begin to imagine yourself in that old body, and even if it’s not yours to take, you can still try it on, no? Plus, you doubt you’re going to keep it; after all, you’ve lost the right to keep it after that wish. Despite the temporary nature of this want, you still want to try it out, and so you do. The craft morphs your body, shrinking your form; your head rounds, and the feeling of hair, ears, a mouth, and many more sensations that you had gotten used to being without suddenly hit your mind, almost overwhelming you, but… but you continue. The craft finishes, and… its Stardust… without any clothes…

OH STARS! YOU FORGOT THAT YOU WERE NAKED THIS WHOLE TIME! Your bare skin, somehow clean of most wounds or scars except on your chest, where that four-pointed star-shaped mark still sits, seems like it stays even when you change into a more 'human'-looking form (not that you are one anymore; you can stay alive in the vacuum of space for Stars sake), but other than that one detail, it’s how you remember it: theunkempt hair that would normally be hidden by the now-gone hat, the rather short stature, it feels strange to suddenly lose a rather large portion of height, the mouth, eyes, ears, the... member, it looks gross; you should get rid of it for now, not like you’re going to use it. You wave your hand over… it; you want it gone, and it's gone. Wow, that was easy.

Well, you got most likely the most embarrassing part of this whole thing out of the way… so where to go from here? You definitely aren’t keeping this form, you know that much; it just feels… like it’s not you anymore (because it’s not; it’s stardust). But what form should you take? Something like this? Something based off of someone else? Something entirely new? What to do, what to do… You guess you could try forms based on people you remember first. The first people you remember would be… NO… not them (you killed them; you’re not taking any of their forms).

Well, you somewhat remember what the other townsfolk looked like back in Dormont; you could see them through Siffrin, and you could see everything he did, including the… regretful actions they did. The only time you couldn’t see him was when the fight with the King started; right before that first flash, you would always get forced back to your perspective no matter what. But that doesn’t matter right now because not like that many people would be all the way up there. If his form doesn’t work, you can always start again.

And so, you try, and try, and try, and try, and try, and try, and try, and try. From that one who wore the dress and admired Mirabelle. To trying out that one who was always fishing. To that one who gave flowers. To even that one who was bald and gave that free pain au chocolat to Stardust. But again, none of them work; they all feel wrong, all in unique ways. The one who wore dresses had arms that felt off, the fishing one’s head was too narrow, the Boulanger’s (that's the name for someone who works there, right) head was hairless, that last one felt very wrong, like ‘throw that form in the trash’ wrong. Which is strange when you think about it because up till now you didn’t have hair.

Another method of trying to figure this out, another failure. You ran out of people to take the form of, at least that you remember. Most likely there are many people who you ‘met’ during your Stardust’s journey, but like many things, the memories of all of them are gone now. Oh well, you can just try something not based off of anyone, and you might be able to get it to work again.

But there is an issue with that… you are not that creative when it comes to things that are new. You can’t come up with anything, not like this. Every time you just try to imagine what you want to look like, the only things that pop into your non-existent brain are your old form and your old form. But you don’t want either of those; neither of them fit anymore. When you were that star, you couldn’t do things, things you want to do now, like eating or really breathing, not this… faux breathing you’ve been doing this whole time. And… you already tried his form, and that didn’t work, so… WHAT DO YOU DO!? You can’t use any of your old forms because they aren’t you anymore. You can’t use any other person’s form that you remember because none of them fit. And you’re too stupid to come up with anything original (of course you can’t, remember the name you chose, you blinding dumbass? Yeah, Loop, real creative for someone in a time loop).  

Honestly, thinking through all the options that you have, Stardust’s form felt… nice, but again, its not yours to take. The ‘star form,’ as you guess you’re calling it now, also felt a little okay, but again, can’t do shit in it, so that option is also out the window.

Hold on… if Stardust’s form felt nice and lets you do things but it’s not yours anymore… and you have a form that was given to you but it doesn’t let you do things and lacks some of the nicer feelings, and your main creativity issue is that those are the only things that come to mind. Could you try to somehow combine the parts of both you like and make something new? Would that be new? It might be, thinking about it more; what counts as your ‘own idea’? From what you’ve seen, many ideas are taken from other places and just slightly adjusted, and they become something new. Like favor trees, those are clearly inspired by your homeland’s wish craft, but changed into something different. Sure, its technically wrong, but it’s also not the same as wish craft from your home. So clearly taking bits from other forms and making something ‘new’ by combining them will work. You’ll get that nice feeling from Stardust’s form and the fact that it’s yours by using your star form with it.

Ok… you have an idea now… the real question is which form to start with? It doesn’t take that long to realize that starting with Stardust’s form is most likely for the best; it's normal, unlike your star form. You're planning on changing it more anyway, so starting with it should be fine. You’ll be fine because now you can just start again.

So, you’re back to the first form you tried on again, minus the thing. So, if you’re going to use this as a base, what parts from the star form do you want to transfer over? First thing, the height, you had gotten used to being more ‘average’ sized compared to how short Stardust is compared to most people, except for that time he got really tall; best not to think about that right now. As you regain your old height you also remember how scrawny Stardust is compared to you. You know that the cloak does a good job of hiding how slim their form is, but taking naps in the middle of the day tends to mean a few meals missed, amongst other things that contributed to Stardust’s thin form. But you’re not Stardust, you’re Loop, and you want to have a little more… non-existent meat on your non-existent bones. As you add a little more… matter(?) to the form, it continues to look less like him and a little more like you. Seems this little idea of yours is working.

You got the… ‘Base’ of the body down now, at least the height and general form, but the details and other parts you’re still somewhat struggling with. It’s fine, though; you just need a plan. How about from the top down? That way you can take it one part at a time. You think you can work with that. Ok, from the top of the head it would be… the hair. Ok, that should be easy. Firstly,  you want to get rid of the lightless parts. You remember dyeing your hair in order to ‘fit in’, but with how much you’ve been remembering of your old country, you don’t want to fit in anymore; you know things now, and you’re not letting any of it go, so away with the lightless hair. Next, that part of the hair that goes in front of your face, now that you have both eyes working, you want to clear up some space to make seeing easier, and that bit of hair gets in the way, so away with the hair. Next part, you think you can do without that part of your hair that curves up at the top of your head, not ‘cut’ the hair off, just smooth it so it’s not sticking up anymore. Lastly, you want to get rid of your bangs, let your ears show a little; it won’t hurt. Ok, that ended up not being the last thing because with your bangs gone and the top part smoothed, your hair is a little short, so you make it just a little longer, maybe make it end a little higher than where your bangs used to end. And there it is, your hair is still unkempt, but you like it that way. A little chaotic, like your mind. Most of the hair is longer than it used to be, but with the removal of the bangs, the part in front of your eyes, and the part on top, you think it looks nice; it looks like your hair.

Alright, one part done, onto the next… eyes? You guess? You want to take this part from your star form again; you don’t know why, but those eyes felt nice. Well, that was easy. What’s next… actually, you look back to the scar on your left eye… something about it is wrong. You notice how its straight diagonal line across the eye; it's clean… too clean. This scar is clearly from a slice. That's not how you remember it , though; it was more of a… spiked mace on the sadness, right? No, you’re definitely right. You remember the squish that you heard when it hit you because you had to push your BonBon out of the way of the attack. The scar was way larger than this; it wasn’t a slice, it was a bunch of cuts and points all centered on the eye that spread out… like a star. Now that you notice it, it just feels wrong without the correct scar, so you fix it, easy as any other change. You don’t know why having the scar feels right; it just does, just like having the difference in shade for the eyes.

Well, honestly everything else on the face is fine, so you can move on from that. General form and structure are fine, so what else is there? You look at the four pointed star scar on your chest; it went from that pure darkless like it was in your star form to a slightly more faded shade to match what a scar normally looks like. Honestly, your fine with it; it’s a good indicator for when you’ve used too much craft and need to stop before you take it too far and get craft exhaustion. So far it seems like you’re fine , though; it’s not that strange shade, so you think you’re good. But besides that, something feels… missing… like you’re… forgetting something.

You know what it is. Your… party, they meant so much to you. You haven’t been able to really grieve, have you? You don’t even know how to do that. You don’t deserve to grieve them (YOU KILLED THEM AFTER ALL). Plus, grieving is for people who were loved by the lost (No one could ever love a creature so disgusting and vile as you). So, you can’t grieve them… but you can remember them, right here, right now. You have the opportunity to physically remember them, mark them forever on your body, make sure you can never forget them. But the real question… how do you do so? You could mark their names or initials on them, but… that doesn’t seem right to you. Maybe not their names, but maybe… a symbol or a mark would be better? Something like that might work… but what kind of mark for each? That… takes a while to think of something that could fit for each of them.

But eventually, you come up with something for each of them. The first one you think of would be pan with a large sun hat for BonBon. The next one you come up with is a sword, placed behind a circle, within a circle, within a circle, within a circle, for Mira. Next, a book surrounded by various gems for Odile. Isa is the hardest to come up with. You initially think of a dress or similar clothing due to the whole fashion designer thing you found out about, but, you don’t know if your Isa is like that. Eventually you come up with a pair of gloves splitting open an egg in its hands. With all the symbols decided on, you just need a spot to place them. You look back towards the four-pointed star, you place each symbol outside the star, it feels fitting, the star of your home on your chest, surrounded by your family friends party.

You feel like you're… you now. You did it. You really did it; you made a form that’s yours. Not Stardust’s, not that star you ate, not some random person you don’t remember the name of, and not some random form that, knowing you, would have looked ugly as sin. Well, what now? You continue to look at the mirror while you think, admiring your new form (wow, you really like it don’t you?). Oh right, the note on the mirror said to call them when you were done. You are now, so you guess you can try. You make the secret fourth hand sign and think really hard; you end up saying.

“Boy I sure wish I could talk to the Change God right now!!” It doesn’t take that long before you get a response.

“haiiiiiiii change god speaking (´｡• ω •｡`) how may i help u”

“Well, the note said to call you when I was finished… I’m done!” You make a little gesture with your free hand to an audience that doesn’t exist.

“O.M… ME!!! YOU DID IT?!?!? YAY IM SO HAPPY FOR U!!!!! o(≧▽≦)o ight imma make my way over rn see you soon”

Oh, stars, they're coming over now? You have no clothes. YOU'RE GOING TO BE NAKED IN FRONT OF A GOD! OH STARS, YOUR LIFE IS OVER! Wait, you’ve been naked this whole time, and you removed the inappropriate bits from this form, so… does it even matter?

Before you can ponder this for too long, you realize that the statue is somewhere else. The good news is that the Change God doesn’t jump scare you this time. You see a strange, large… mass get thrown into the air, over the mirror, the mass spreading out as it slowly pomfs onto the ground. You bend over to look at the now spread-out former mass and see… clothes?

“i took these from the closet at the house… i didnt know what form you would have so i took a bunch of different clothes dw tho  ill return them and the mirror when ur done” Oh so that’s where the mirror is from; you were wondering that. Well, you guess you’re getting your first new clothes from this pile now. Honestly, picking out clothes on the moon while the god of the concept of change itself waits for you is not what you thought would happen after your fight with Stardust.

Guess you gotta roll with it though. Not even you would say no to free clothes.

 It’s been a while since you started. Going through all the clothes that the Change God had picked up for you, and all that time was spent just to sort the clothes into a ‘Fits me’ and a ‘Doesn’t fit me’ pile. Unsurprisingly the ‘Doesn’t fit me’ pile is much larger than the ‘Fits me’ pile, but now you at least have them sorted.

You look at the pile of clothes that fit this form. You have a number of options, from socks of all lengths and materials to shirts, to shorts, to pants, to skirts, to dresses, to even cloaks and jackets. You don’t know what weather you’re going to be getting into, so you should grab a few sets that can fit multiple seasons or weather conditions. You guess you can take this piece by piece like you did your body; it might be a good idea to do so. Going through each major clothing area of your body and taking a couple from the pile.

First would be… let’s start bottom up this time, so leg clothing first, starting with socks and shoes. You look at the socks first and just grab a couple that feel comfy. For shoes, it might be a good idea to grab a pair that can be used for traveling. Most of these shoes don’t quite fit that description; you see a lot of heels in this. It makes sense; assuming that  this is clothing that's been donated to the house, then you would get a lot of people trying on heels and immediately getting rid of them. You remember liking your old heels, but that’s because they were built with traveling in mind; none in this pile would work for that. Your eyes eventually fall upon a pair of simple hiking shoes, not full-on boots, but sturdy enough to be used for long walks while not being too burdensome to put on or wear. You take those shoes and enough socks of different varieties to last you a bit in case you want to switch it up.

Ok, that's the feet stuff done. You guess next would be leg stuff, so pants and, oh right… undergarments… Eh, you can just grab a few of whatever for that, not like it matters that much for you right now. Pants, on the other hand, hmmmmmmmmmmm. Honestly, you kind of want to have more than just pants; you know you can’t take a full dress because that would get messed up while traveling, but skirts should be fine. Right? You look through whatever pants and skirts exist, and you notice something else as well: leggings. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO leggings would pair wonderfully with a skirt; you grab one that’s lightless and ankle length and one that’s middle-toned and full leg length, the kind that will also cover your feet. You also grab two skirts of matching tones to go with the leggings, but you notice that the lightless skirt that you grabbed also has small star-like dots on it. You also end up taking a couple of comfy-looking pants for times when a skirt doesn’t work (don’t want to let those get ripped), but they aren’t too special, just some sweats and similar travel pants, nothing that would require a belt or extra hassle.

Ok, now the leg stuff is good; that means now you’re doing upper body stuff, then you’ll be done… you think so anyway. First, some shirts would be in order. From the pile of shirts, the only ones that you like end up being a variety of thin, tight, long-sleeved shirts of, again, varying shades. Well, you know that these will work as undershirts, but they’re going to need something over them as well. You guess you can grab a t-shirt or two to put over them, but you might as well also grab a jacket or… cloak… You look at the pile of cloaks and…

It just feels wrong to wear a cloak that isn’t your cloak, the one made for you, but… someone else has it now, the person it was made for now. So, cloaks are out the non-existent window, but jackets and coats? That could work. You peruse the pile for hopefully the last time. No, that jacket’s material isn’t right, that coat’s too tight, that one’s too loose, that one has a stupid design on the front, wait. Is that a turtleneck sweater? It’s simple, no designs, just a  cozy-looking, mostly dark but not quite lightless shading. You put it on, along with the lightless leggings, skirt, and undershirt. It looks… nice. The sweater fits well, tight enough to feel it, loose enough to not constrict you, and it pairs with the lightless set of clothes you have. The skirt’s little stars pop out a bit amidst the mostly dark outfit. You should most likely get at least one more in case this one gets dirty or the weather doesn’t work with it. You settle for a hoodless, baggy windbreaker with  mostly darkless sleeves and upper area, but towards the stomach it switches to lightless, the elbow area of the sleeves are also lightless.

Well, that’s your outfits sorted now. It feels good to have a fashion that’s yours. You still miss your old clothes, but you think this will do. Next to the piles of clothes, you notice a darkless travel bag. It's quite large, but you can put it on your back; it should be large enough to fit your clothes, not like you have much else to put in there for now. You open the bag, and… you guess that thought of having none of your old clothes also goes out the non-existent window.

Inside the bag is… the hat, your Stardust’s hat. Why is it in this bag? You saw it fly off away when they turned back to normal during the ending, so how did it get in this bag? You call out to the Change God.

“Hey… Change God, why is this hat here?”

“oh, i found it on top of one of my heads in crest, its like a weeks walk from dormont so i took it cuz I thought u would like it… oh me! did i mess up again like when i turned into ur fam to try and comfort u? IM SORYYYYYY (*_ _)人” Oh… so that’s what happened to it after everything. That comment about your family hurts, but… you shouldn’t get angry at them for that. Part of you knows that you should tell them to give the hat to Stardust if they could, but… you want it (selfish, selfish loop, always wanting more). Yes, you’re not Siffrin anymore; Stardust is, but this hat, that cloak, they were still yours at a time, and if Siffrin isn’t going to get this hat, then what’s the harm if you have it?

“It's ok Change God, I like it… Thank you.” You almost don’t say that last part, but it would be rude to do so; they did go out of their way to find it… at least, you think. Either way, you shouldn’t stab a gift-giving God in the face, not again. Oh, right, they’re still behind the mirror, waiting for you to finish. You put the rest of the clothes into the bag and speak. “Ok, I’m done now; you can stop hiding behind the mirror.”

The change god leaps from behind the mirror as… somebody you don’t know, or maybe it’s just someone you don’t remember. They have middle-toned skin, dark, poofy hair, and they’re wearing darkless jeans, a light shirt, and… a party hat? They also have one of those party poppers that makes that high-pitched noise when you blowinto it. Somehow, despite the whole vacuum thing, they still use craft to make the sound happen as they blow into it.

“HAPPY CHANGE DAY SILLY LITTLE LOST LIGHT!!!!” Ah, they wanted to… celebrate you? You guess it makes sense; they’ve been helping you along this ‘journey’ you guess. It's still strange that they seem to… like you? You have no idea as to why, but you’ll gladly accept a literal GOD liking you.

“Thank you? I don’t really know anything about this ‘change day’ though. Is there anything I’m supposed to do?” The Change God nods and replies.

“wellllllllllllllll, u tend to reintroduce yourself, including a new name or pronouns if you have them, although sometimes people already have those, so its kinda unnecessary” Oh… well, you don’t really like the name Loop, but you don’t have a new name in mind either, so you guess you can keep it for now. As for pronouns… They/Them still fits you, you think.

“Loop works for now, and I still like They/Them so no changes there, I guess?”

“dats fine too so long as ur u, ther is one more thing but… no itd be embarrassing to ask… (//ω//)” The Change God? Embarrassed by something? Now you have to know.

“What is it? If it’s something I’m supposed to do as a ‘new me’, then I want to do it. Not like there are that many people to be embarrassed by.”

“well… its just that… its kinda strange for me to tell you to do it…” What does that even mean? You simply give them a look of confusion and hope they continue. They eventually slump their head and state. “when u first start to follow change, you make a statue… to connect yourself to change but… when you do change that statue… should change as well. BUT U DON’T HAVE ONE SO IT DOESNT MATTER ANYWAY!!! (⁄ ⁄•⁄ω⁄•⁄ ⁄)”. Wait… are they saying that you’re… supposed to have a statue of them? You understand it though, the whole change thing anyway… plus its not like you have much else to do. You don’t quite follow the Change belief, but for the sake of this ‘Change Day',you think a statue would be a good way to celebrate.

“I might as well make one. Got nothing better to do right now. Consider it… I guess… thanks for the help in my change?” Oh, that got them… not flustered but definitely embarrassed. It's funny to see them of all people not be 100% confident all the time. You pick up a random moon rock from the ground; it's small, but you're used to making smaller figures than larger statues, and you’ve seen small statues of them before, so surely it works… right? “Well, while I work on this, I feel like going on a walk as well. You want to come with?” You think you want to see Earth with these new eyes, and you’re currently on the dark side so you can’t, so you might as well move and start on this statue.

“k ill go with you, but one sec, i need to put these things away”. Oh right, the leftover clothes and mirror, you wonder how they…

Suddenly the person you were talking to becomes inanimate once more, all the clothes and the mirror disappear at the same time, and then a few minutes later the statue springs back to life and says.

“mkay am ready, lets goooooooo!!!!”

With that last comment, you pack up your things, leaving the hat in the bag for now. You like it, but you don’t think you’re ready to wear it, maybe soon, but not yet. You still have the coin… You find a secure spot to put it in the bag to make sure you don’t lose it and keep it there for now. You don’t have any pockets in this outfit, which you do miss, but the pack will work as well. Lastly, you put the rock away in the pack as well; you want to keep your hands free as you think about what to make the figure look like. You start walking, the god whose form will be on the statue following close behind, changing forms as they see fit in the walk. You needed to move to a new spot anyway; this one was getting too familiar to you, and you need anything but the familiar right now.

So, a view of Earth will do. With how long you’ve been here, ironically, Earth is about as unfamiliar as you can get.

Chapter Text

“Well… to be fully honest. This conversation, while great, has been, for lack of a better way to put it… exhausting, so I’m off to lunch. Would you like to walk with me?” Oh, thank the stars she said something first; you don’t know how long you would have stood there like a deer in front of a carriage if she didn’t say anything. You nod and make your way to the door. You open it and see…

Mira?

Before you can even think about why she could be here. She jumps up in surprise, her eyes shrinking, and you hear.

“OH, I'M SORRY, SIFFRIN. I KNOW YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT, AND I DIDN’T MEAN TO EAVESDROP, BUT I HEARD YELLING AND A COUPLE OF SLAMS, AND I WAS WORRIED SOMETHING HAPPENED, BUT THEN I HEARD NOTHING, AND I THOUGHT I HEARD CRYING, AND I GOT EVEN MORE WORRIED. SIFFRIN, DID YOU MAKE EUPHIE CRY!!? EUPHIE, DID YOU MAKE SIFFRIN CRY?!!? I DON’T WANT TWO OF MY… fa-…friends to make e-each other c-cry…”

 Oh… she called you a friend… There was a stutter, yes, but it’s nice to hear nonetheless. But you should probably dissuade her worries before she spirals more. Stars, she still needs to refill her meds, doesn’t she?

“Mira, you’re fine. You already know most of the things that we discussed, so... if anyone is going to eavesdrop, it’s probably best for it to be someone who already knows, y’know? Also, I don’t know about Euphrasie, but she didn’t make me cry.” Mira goes from anxious to slightly accusatory, one hand flat in front of her, crossing her body. Her hand goes from flat to a point towards your face.

“Then why is your eye watery?!” Oh… you reach your hand towards your good eye, and yup… it's less watery as if you are crying, and more so when you're done crying… when did you cry? Was it when you were talking about your struggles with the loops? When you were pleading for her not to be angry at Mira? Something else? You don’t know, but it’s not like she made you cry or something.

“Ok, I did cry, but it wasn’t because of Euphrasie. It was just… a lot, I guess. But I’m fine.” Mira relents a little at that and looks towards Euphrasie next, not saying anything but implying the same questions.

“Don’t worry, Mirabelle, my answer is the same as Siffrin’s.” Phew, at least she didn’t mention how you talked about Mira. Mira lowers her shoulders and breathes a sigh of relief at both of your answers.

“Ok… g-good. I was just worried about you two. S-sorry for eavesdropping again. I-I couldn’t hear much, but it was still rude of me. So sorry for eavesdropping on you.”

“Mira, you were just concerned for us; you’re fine, I forgive you.” You get why she’s like this, though; knowing you, you wouldn’t be any better in her situation. “Oh right, we were about to leave to get lunch. Wanna walk with us there?” You might as well offer while she’s here.

“Oh, I would love to. Thank you, Siffrin… E-euphie are you okay with that?” Stars, her nerves are acting up again.

“Stars, I think it would be lovely to have you join us, Mirabelle.” Euphrasie's gentle smile is quite nice to see after all that you two talked about. Mira has a more confused look on her face before her eyes widen, like a light flickered on in her mind. You can’t tell if whatever face she made was a great or terrifying realization, but either way, she found something out. She goes back to a more neutral face soon enough and gets out of the way so you and Euphrasie can exit the door. And away from the office and back towards the kitchen to get lunch. Stars, you hope that you don’t lose your way again.

You guess you’re not getting the chance to get lost in the house this time because you’re being led by the other two. You’re honestly glad that they are taking the front this time; you’d rather not embarrass yourself in front of the others.

It seems that Mira and the h-… Euphrasie (C’mon, you forgetful moron, remember her name) are talking to each other about the statues that need to get replaced and how when Euphrasie and the other housemaidens checked, there was only one statue that remained intact. Mira’s nervous laughter implies that she already knows which statue is still intact; she must have found it herself either during their trek through the house to catch up to you or afterward while you were still unconscious... When did you fall unconscious? You still remember talking to Euphrasie, holding hands, then… nothing. Did you fall unconscious right away?Stars, you should ask the others when you have lunch.

Oh… you’re here? Already? Stars, did you zone out again without realizing it? You probably did, knowing you. You’re already in line, Mira in front of you and Euphrasie in front of her. You already have a tray in your hands… oops. You look towards the food arranged buffet style like it was for breakfast and see some bread slices, soup, mashed potatoes, some veggies. You end up grabbing a little bit of everything again. As for drinks, they seem to have water, tea, or juice of some kind; it’s just labeled as ‘juice’. You’d rather not find out if it’s secretly pineapple juice or something, so you end up getting some tea to try and calm yourself after all that talking. You get your drink, food and leave the line. You see the other two nearby, exchanging pleasantries and a quick goodbye before Euphrasie goes back towards her office; she probably has more work to do or something.

“Ok, Euphie has more paperwork to do so they can’t join us for lunch, which is a shame; it would have been nice if she were able to hang out and relax more. They seemed exhausted… and so do you. Are you s-sure that the talk went ok?” Oh right, you told her about this yesterday. You nod; it went… well, great even. You finally know someone who understands you, someone whose mind is as forgetful as yours, at least to an extent. And you’re going to talk to them more! So you can reteach the language of the people you share. You nod so hard your head hurts when you finish. You’ve just been following Mira this whole time, but… where are you going?

“Hey Mira?”

“Yeah Siffrin?”

“Where are we going?”

“Oh, we were planning on eating outside today. So we’re heading out to the outdoor area of the house. There's enough tables and benches for us. Guess you h-haven’t been able to head out there yet, huh?” No. No, you have not. You’ve been stuck in the infirmary until today, so you haven’t been able to explore the house till now. It’s strange, seeing a place you’ve memorized so well you could zone out entire floors now being so… different and new. You still don’t know how to feel about it. Granted you still can zone out, it seems.

Stars blind it; you did zone out again, and you’re already outside. This outdoor seating area consists of a small clearing with a few simple, dark-toned wooden picnic tables, the kinds that have benches attached to them. Surrounding the area is a small clearing, large enough to hold a class outside, if need be; the forest nearby would make survival classes easy to hold here.

You look around, still adjusting your eye to the bright midday, when you see the other three sitting together around one of the picnic tables. You can see BonBon as they wave at you.

“FRIN! How did your solo secret quest go?!”

“Solo secret quest?” You question, taking your spot next to Isa across from BonBon. Mira sits next to BonBon, opposite of Odile.

“YEAH! You said you had to do something by yourself today. So how did it go? Did you finish it already? Was it fun? Did you get anything? Were you getting something for Za?” The mention of  Isa specifically causes you to spit out your tea and causes your face to darken and warm twofold.

“NO! It wasn’t anything like that!” Great, now you’re all flustered. Granted, you are planning on making that figure while you… figure out your feelings (heh). But that wasn’t the point of your ‘secret quest’. “No, I had to… talk to someone about something.”

 “YOU TALKED TO SOMEONE ELSE?! WHY NOT US!?” Uh oh, you forgot that they want you to talk to them. But you couldn’t talk to them about it, not this.

“S-sorry, BonBon, but… it’s not the kind of thing I can talk about with you.” Mira and Odile don’t react to the statement; BonBon and Isa, on the other hand, seem… concerned?

“Is… is it a loops thing? Because if it's anything about that, you know you can talk to us about it, right?” Isa asks. OH, THAT’S WHAT THEY THINK IT'S ABOUT? You shouldn’t be that surprised in hindsight, but you’re not the best when it comes to thinking. You shake your head and speak.

“Nononono, nothing about that. It’s… about…” You pause.

Why is this so hard to say this right now? When you told Mira and Odile you barely had an issue with it. But now, with Isa and BonBon looking at you, it feels like they expect you to be broken (You are, and if they know they’ll leave without you). You don’t get why these two perceptions of you matter that much right now. C’mon, Siffrin, you blinding idiot, you already told two of them. WHY CAN’T YOU SAY IT NOW?!

“They’re saying the truth, you two… it’s not… the kind of thing we would get.” Odile… She… said something. Thank the Stars that she did; you don’t know why you suddenly can’t explain it to these two, but you’re glad that she stepped in anyway.

Her word seems to get the other two to calm down. While you’re glad it worked, it feels like you can’t be trusted at your word anymore (Of course you can’t, you lied, manipulated, insulted, and puppeteered them to get what you want. No one should trust you).

“Sorry Frin…” BonBon relents and continues their meal.

“Ok, Sif… Just know that you can talk to us. Okay?” Isa… you know it’s true, but… it’s hard to get the words out of your mouth. You should explain it to him and BonBon later. But for now… you don’t want to try and talk about it more. You eventually nod at the statement. You should eat.

The rest of lunch went… okay. Mira and Odile tried their best to avoid talking about what happened; the other two didn’t seem to question it. Again, you’re glad that they were able to prevent that from worsening, but… you should have been able to take care of it yourself. You don’t think you like having to rely on someone else for something that is about you. You also don’t like how not everyone knows what you were doing.

During lunch, you were told that you’ll be staying in Isa’s room as of now, which comes as a shock to absolutely no one. You like it, though; being next to Isa was always… comforting, like sleeping next to a big old stuffed bear (You wish you could climb inside his body and absorb the warmth)… What… was that?

OKAY THEN, you’re going to promptly ignore whatever that was and move on. You decide it might be best to just go to your room with Isa after you all put the dishes away back in the kitchen. You still struggle not to look at the counter as you reach there. You hope that the others don’t notice your look towards it.

After getting that over with, you follow Isa back to your shared room. Same area where the Head Euphrasie’s office is; that will make going over convenient for whenever you end up doing those lessons you agreed to do. Now that you think about it, for a place that houses so many classes, you get to teach the person who… leads(?) the house (not the whole faith though). Seems funny to you.

As Isa opens the door and looks in, before you can look in as well, he SLAMS the door shut. His face darkens as he turns around to you, covering the closed door with his body.

“Hey, Sif? I left some things about in the room… can I clean it up really quickly before you enter?” What could be in that room that would warrant such a reaction? What could he be hiding in there that he’d not want you to see? You don’t see a reason to protest it, though, so you nod.

He scrambles into the room, opening the door just enough for his large form to squeeze through, using his body to block any view of the inside. Stars, what is he hiding in there? You can hear some rustling, the sounds of something being opened and closed, then the door opening. You enter the room.

The room is fairly simple, only containing a bed around the size of the ones that were in the clock tower. A desk, closet, drawers, bathroom. The usual things you would find in an inn room or something similar. It’s nothing ‘fancy’ but you like it; it’s not the infirmary, that’s for sure. You take a seat on the bed; it feels the same as the bed in the infirmary. You don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. Isa sits next to you, his weight causing a slight incline towards him, not enough to cause you to fall or disorient you, just enough for you to know that he’s there (You should lay on top of him and see his reaction to that). No, not after last time you did something without asking.

“Sorry about that, Sif. I forgot I left some things on the bed. Don’t worry about it, though; I made sure none of it made a mess, so we should be good now.” He sure is talking fast about whatever it was he left out. Oh well, you’re not going to pry about it if he doesn’t want to say anything.

“Don’t worry about it. I get it.” You should apologize for not saying what you were doing today. He’s probably worried about you cause of it. “Also, I’m sorry about tensing up during lunch. I just… I don’t know. Couldn’t get myself to say it, I guess? I swear I wasn’t lying earlier, though. It wasn’t about the loops, at least not directly, but… I don’t know if I can get myself to tell you about it. Not yet.”

“Sif, that’s fine. After everything that you went through, it’s understandable that you can’t talk about everything yet. Yes, you are going to need to talk about things. But no one expects you to talk about them right now. We have time. Whether it’s about the loops or something else, you can talk about it when you’re ready. You just need to know that talking about it at all will help.” But you did tell someone, two people even, granted one was in the heat of the moment and the other you were fresh off a panic attack and wanted your mind off it as soon as possible. You still feel bad for not telling him, even if you still can’t get yourself to do it.

“But I already told someone! I told Odile and Mira. So, I should tell you and BonBon, right?” The worry in your voice is prominent; you should tell them, shouldn’t you? They both deserve to know what you were talking about; they both care for you, after all. (Why do they? You don’t know how they care for someone as repulsive as you.) You hear Isa’s voice.

“I mean… so long as you talk to someone, it’s a good thing, right? You know you don’t have to tell all of us everything, right? You can tell only some of us things, and we’d be fine with it. Well, I know I’d be fine with it, but I doubt that the others would have an issue with you not telling everyone about something.” How not, though? You said that you wanted to stay with them. Because of you, they’re staying with you. The least you should do is tell them all when your blindingly stupid brain lets you say something.

“How though? Shouldn’t I tell all of you when I can? Make the most of the moments where I can speak up?” Isa thinks for a moment, deliberating on what to say. (He has to do that because you’re fragile; he thinks if he says the wrong thing, you’ll break. YOU WILL.)

“Well… ok, you’re going to have to go with me for a bit for this. But during your… loops.” Where is he going with this? “You’d… talk to us, right? Help us through something, or something similar, I would guess. Am I right?” You nod… You don’t like that he is bringing up the loops, but… you are curious where he’s going with this. “Well… you helped each of us separately, right?” Yeah? You mean you had to go to each of them to help them with their stuff. “Okay… and back then did we ever tell the others about what those private talks were about?”

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! You shake your head, but you can see where this is going. It seems Isa also knows you’ve figured it out, but he still continues. “Ok, and was it bad that we didn’t tell the others about that stuff we talked about with you?” You shake your head again, of course not. But…

“But none of you promised to talk about stuff to the others… I did.” Isa gives a confused look at that.

“Who did you make that promise to? I know you didn’t make it with me. Was it Mira?” You shake your head.

“No, I promised that I would try to, Odile.” You can’t bring yourself to bring them up. Plus, Isa’s smart; you know that he’d figure it out if you mentioned Loop.

“Ok, either way, even if you promised, firstly you said that you would try. Did you promise that you would tell everyone?” You guess not. It still feels wrong, though. Your disbelief must be on your face because. “Ok, look, I doubt you can tell everyone everything, because if what you went through was enough to act how you did that day… I doubt that Bonbon should hear it all.” He looked away from you during that last part.

Stars, you can’t tell BonBon most of the things you went through. How you used the boulder to go loop quicker when you didn’t know about the peel, how you used a peel to loop quicker by slipping on it and cracking your skull open, how you acted that one time on the first enemy, and how their faces of disgust shocked you (it shouldn’t have), not to mention all the violent stuff you did and saw, like… HIM.

“I… guess you have a point.” You concede it still doesn’t feel good to tell only some of them things, but you guess you can let up on yourself, at least on this. You don’t know why it's so hard to tell them that you were talking about your home to Euphrasie. Why are you struggling with this? Ack, you just want to move on right now. You can think about that stuff later. “Can… we talk about something else now? I’m kind of ‘big talk’ed out for today.”

“Okay, sure. What do you want to talk about?” He tilts and leans closer to you, still just far enough away from you to not touch (He’s repulsed by the mere idea of touching you).

“I don’t know, actually… How about your day? I don’t remember you talking about what you’ve done today that much during lunch.” You remember that BonBon and Odile went to the library together, and Mira decided to help with the statue replacement effort, although she’s not making a new one because she doesn’t need to. But Isa never said what he did today.

“Oh yeah, I never did say, did I? It went well. I haven’t done that much; I just went out to Dormont for some advice on… fashion. Rosie and Julia had some advice for me; it was nice talking to them about it, although Rosie talked about Mira for a long time. But yeah, that’s about all I did today.” Rosie? Julia? Who are those two? Clearly, they are from Dormont… Oh, Rosie must be the stylish one who liked Mira. You still don’t know who Julia is, though. “Actually, speaking of fashion… can I ask you something?” He wants to ask you something about fashion? He knows you know next to nothing about it; you nod anyways.

“Okay… I know that you wear it all the time, but. I was wondering if I could take a look at your cloak?” Oh yeah, he never got to inspect it this loop.

“Oh yeah, guess you haven’t this time. Sure, go ahead.”  Isa leans away… why? Did you do something wrong?

“This time?” Isa asks. OH STARS, DID YOU SAY THAT PART OUT LOUD! You know that he catches on quick;he asked that question less out of genuine confusion but more so for clarification. Slowly… you nod. You just said how you don’t want to have more big talks today; you’ve done too many for one day already. “If… if you don’t want me to, then that’s fine. I’d rather not bring up memories of… them.”

What? That’s what he’s worried about? If anything, him going down to look at your cloak was… nice. Having someone you care about talk about something you care about in such loving detail was nice; you can’t come up with any other way to describe it.

“Isa.” You state firmly. Taking a part of your cloak and putting it in front of him, “I want to do this… please.” This along with a couple of other comforting moments, was all that you had to ease the monotonous pain of the loops. If Isa can do it again, genuinely, then you’ll do it.

“Okay Sif, if you’re sure.” You nod; you are sure that you want this.

Slowly, tentatively, he takes the part of the cloak you’re holding out of your hand and into his. He looks at it, back and front, before he says.

“Your cloak's been sewn with some kind of temperature regulation spell crafted into the stitching, that's kind of cool. No wonder you always look comfortable no matter the weather.” Right, the script. You knew this would happen but… now that you think about it. How will it change without the others? Stars you need to stop thinking about ‘the script.’ You're out… right? “Aw, it's also been crafted to make the cloak grow with you! It must've been incredibly expensive, unless it was handmade? How…” He cuts himself off.

“Sif. Siffaroni. Siffrin. Are you sure you’re ok with this?”

“I’m fine!” That might have been too quick.

“Sif… you look… distressed. Was it something I said? Do you not like being this close?”

“NO!” That was definitely too loud and quick. “no… It’s just that… you’re… repeating yourself.”

“OH… I’m sorry, Sif, I just… don’t really know what else to say, I guess, but if you want me to stop, then-“

“No… don’t I… I want to know about it too. Also, I don’t remember myself not having it.” He looks confused for a moment before it clicks that you answered the question that he didn’t even get to ask. He wearily continues.

“Well, the cloak is mostly made using backstitching which isn’t used that often as far as I know anymore. Vaugardian clothing tends to use other styles because we think it’s boring. Not that I’m saying that your cloak is boring! It’s just made for function over form, I guess. With the way that craft is stitched in it makes sense. Well clearly whoever made this for you cared for you a lot. I doubt that you bought this, especially if you’ve had it for as long as you remember.”

You don’t even remember much before the loops, though? Bits and pieces from when you were with the rest of them getting the orbs, and even less before then. Where did you even end up when you first got here? Did you start in Vaugarde? Or was it somewhere else? You don’t know, but now with the future ahead of you, a real future, you hope you can find out. But you remember having this cloak way before you met your family friends. Also, outside that last part, most of that was the same but worded differently from how you remember. It’s strange, but not bad, you don’t think.

“Hey Sif?” Oh, what could he be asking about?

“yeeeeeeeessssssssssssssssss Isa?” You like to put up the dramatics.

“Can I… no, you wouldn’t like it, never mind.” He lets go and starts to get up. You get in his way.

“Isaaaa. If I’m going to talk about what I need to, you should do the same. If you have something you want to ask me, then ask, and I’ll do my best to answer. This has to go both ways, Isa.” You whined at the start, but he needs to know this too. If they’re helping you, you are helping them. All of them.

“I… know, but I don’t want to do something that might be a sensitive thing to ask, I guess.”

“How about you ask, and I decide that for myself?”

“Ok. I was going to ask… if I could borrow your cloak so I can study it more? If not, that’s fine. I get that it means a lot to you if you’ve had it for so long, so I get if you don’t want to give it to me. I just wanted to study it more so I could learn how to weave craft into clothing like that. It’s rare to see something like that in clothing because it’s difficult to get the craft into the material, unlike something like a figure or statue.”

So, he wants to borrow it? Hmmm, you’d rather it not leave your sight now, after you lost the hat; it’s all you have left of home. Not that you don’t trust Isa, though; you think you can let him study it more. But you get that you’d have to take it off so then he could study it better.

“Sure. So long as I can be there as you study it, I don’t see that much of an issue with letting you hold it. Just… be careful, ok? It's all I have that could be from… home.” He nods in response. Before slightly tilting his head.

“Are you sure, though? Again, I get that it means a lot to you, especially if it is from your home, so… I get if you don’t want me to study it like that.” You sigh.

“Yes, it’s ok; I already agreed to it, Isa.” You reiterate. Stars, when will he get that you trust him? You know he’s smart enough to not do anything that would damage it.

“Okay… if you’re sure. Are you ok if I study it now or later?” He seems excited to look at it more, but not right now; you’re too tired, and you like it when you sleep in the cloak, the craft makes it comfy. Although sometimes you like to sleep with it off, not right now, though. 

“Maybe after dinner; I want to take a nap right now. Let me know when it’s time, ok?”

“Sure, sounds good to me.” He smiles and nods. Stars, you’ll never get tired of his smile. You take your shoes off and hop back onto the bed.

With how exhausting the day’s been so far, it’s not that surprising that you fall asleep easily. Before you do, though, you look at Loop’s coin again, just to make sure it’s still there. At this point, making sure you still have the coin is like a ritual routine to you. You can’t see what Isa is doing, but you didn’t hear the door open, so you assume he is still in here. You put the coin back into your pocket.

With that last check done, you close your eyes and drift into a gentle, needed nap and dream of…