Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

I shield my eyes from the harsh sunlight as I step out of the door of the plane and descend the stairs onto the tarmac. I’d forgotten how harsh the sun can feel on my skin here in Texas. It’s been well over two years since I was last here. If I’d had a real choice in the matter, it would have been even longer before I returned.

I shift the strap of my carry-on bag and move it over to the other shoulder as I follow the pathway into the airport building, sighing with relief when the cool air conditioned temperature greets me as I walk through the sliding doors. It’s definitely going to take some time to re-acclimatize to the heat. It never felt as hot as this in Salem.

I see the sign directing passengers to baggage claim and take my phone out of my pocket and let the screen light up. 3 notifications show on the display, all from my dad.

9:12am
Fly safe, I’ll see you at baggage claim when you land.

11:57am
Was thinking we could go out for dinner tonight if you’re up for it. That Mexican restaurant you love is still going strong.

And the most recent one, sent only 5 minutes ago.

1:30pm
Got a park and making my way to baggage claim. Can’t wait to see ya.

I lock my phone again and put it in the pocket of my bag while I keep walking towards baggage claim. I can feel my stomach start to tie itself in knots the closer I get. This arrangement was not my first, second, or even fifth choice in how to move forward with my life since I left my fiancé three weeks ago; but every other plan I’d tried to make had fallen through. Moving back in with my dad was my last and only option.

The relationship between my father and I was complicated. He and my mom had divorced when I was only 4 years old and Mom moved her and I across the country to New York less than a year after the divorce was finalized. She’d met a new man who lived in Brooklyn and uprooted our lives to go live with him. My Dad didn’t fight her on custody. I’d fly back to Austin during summer and every other Christmas and Thanksgiving. Mom’s new relationship didn’t last long and we moved into our own apartment near Central Park one week before my 6th birthday.

By the time I hit my teens, I wanted to spend my summer vacation with my friends and stopped going to my dad’s except for every second Christmas and Thanksgiving. He was disappointed the first year I told him I didn’t want to come visit him for the summer, but he didn’t try to persuade me otherwise.

My mom was diagnosed with a brain tumor during the summer before my senior year of high school. It was already large and aggressive, and she passed away two weeks before I was due to return to school for my final year. In those two weeks my mom’s sister, my Aunt Carmen, helped me arrange her funeral and helped me pack and sell our apartment - the money from the sale going into a trust fund I could access on my 21st birthday as my inheritance. I moved back to Austin with my dad to finish out my schooling before going on to college.

That year was one of the hardest years I’ve ever endured. My Dad tried his best to step in as the primary parent, but he hadn’t had that role in well over a decade. We argued, a lot. Living with my mom in New York, I had a lot more free rein than my dad was willing to give me in Austin. I was so used to navigating the subway and cabs on my own, used to being alone for days at a time when Mom had to go out of town with work. I didn’t have a set curfew with my mom - I would tell her where I was going and who I was with and when I was expecting to be home. She’d negotiate sometimes if she thought I was planning on being out too late on a school night and instruct me to come home earlier, and I always complied. She understood that I was independent and capable of taking care of myself and she respected me for it. She knew when she needed to step in as a mom and guide me with boundaries and always explained her reasoning if she was asking me to do something different to what I was planning.

My dad had different expectations. He set a 9pm curfew for every school night and 10pm on weekends and he didn’t leave room for negotiation. It had caused a lot of arguments, especially when I’d landed a job at a local restaurant, but the shifts ended at 11pm. I’d accepted the job thinking that my dad would make an exception for work shifts, but he’d refused to budge. I’d had to go in the next day and withdraw my application, feeling humiliated that the decision had been made for me.

I knew he was trying his best. I knew he was trying to make up for lost time. I knew he wasn’t used to having these parental responsibilities and raising an almost adult. But his lack of willingness to learn and adjust his parenting styles created even more of a rift between us.

I’d applied for a multitude of college’s, all of them far away from Texas, and accepted an offer from NYU. I was excited to go back to the city that raised me and be enveloped in its familiarity. I knew it hurt my dad to see me leave again, but I also knew it was what was best for me. Instead of flying, he hired a truck, and we drove across the country to New York, and he helped me get set up in my dorm. I promised to return for the holidays, but those visits became far and few between.

I met Harry in my second year. He was studying to become an architect, and I was working towards becoming a psychologist. We met on a night out with mutual friends and hit it off instantly. He was handsome and charming, and he brought me back to his hometown in Massachusetts to visit his family for Thanksgiving a few months after we first met and started to date. We spent Christmas that year with my dad, but we spent most holidays from then on with his family in Massachusetts. They very quickly felt like my own family. His younger sister, Bri, quickly became my best friend and I was so excited when she too started NYU when I was in my third year.

We got engaged six months after finishing college. Harry had accepted a job in Salem - at a company owned by a friend of his family - it paid well and had fantastic benefits. I moved to Salem with him and got a job as a school counsellor shortly afterwards. Everything seemed perfect. We’d used some of my inheritance money for a down payment on a house and started planning our wedding. I didn’t want anything big and fancy, but Harry’s family had convinced us to let them help us pay for a bigger wedding so that they could invite extended family to come celebrate our union.

Three weeks ago, one week before we were due to get married, I came home early from work. It was the final week of school before summer break, and I was halfway through a counselling session with an eighth grader when my vision had started to blur - a telltale sign I was about to be hit with the pain of a debilitating migraine.

I walked through the front door of our home as the pain started to sink in and walked towards our bedroom with the intention of getting into my pj’s and crawling under the blanket to block out the light and hopefully fall asleep fast to fight off the migraine. If I hadn’t been so distracted by the pain that was building behind my eyes, I might have noticed the stranger’s shoes by the doorway. Migraines also make me nauseous, and I was preparing to make a beeline for the en suite as I opened the door to our bedroom, too distracted to wonder why it was closed at this time of day when no one was meant to be home.

To say that I was unprepared for what I’d find as I opened our bedroom door would be a gross understatement. I stopped dead in my tracks with one foot inside the bedroom as I registered that there were people in our bed. A woman straddled Harry as he lay on his back and was mid moan as I opened the door. They both scrambled away from each other as they heard the door open and the woman, who I recognized as one of Harry’s colleagues, rushed to cover herself with the bed sheet.

There was only a short beat of silence before I ran to the bathroom to throw up.

As I emptied the contents of my stomach into the toilet bowl, Harry and the woman dressed themselves and I exited the bathroom right as the woman was about to walk out of our bedroom and no doubt try to leave the house as quickly as she could.

“What the fuck?!” I screamed at Harry and the woman, wincing as my head throbbed from my migraine and the strain of my voice.

“I’m sorry, I should lea-” the woman started to try and excuse herself, but I shot her a look that said don’t you dare.

“What the fuck?” I repeated, looking between the two of them.

Neither of them looked at me. The woman kept darting her eyes towards Harry, but he kept them pinned on the floor as he stood next to our bed.

“I didn’t think you’d be home so-” Harry began to explain.

“So you thought it was ok to fuck another woman in MY bed?”

“No! I mean, yes I... but...”

“Get the fuck out. Both of you, get the fuck out.”

The woman didn’t need to be told twice and rushed out of the room with a half-mumbled apology, but Harry didn’t move.

“Please, let me explain.”

“No. There’s nothing to explain. You fucked another woman in my bed. Get the fuck out. I have a migraine, and I can’t deal with you... with this... get the fuck out.”

Harry collected his phone and keys from his bedside table and moved towards the door.

“I’ll stay with my parents tonight.”

“I don’t fucking care if you sleep on a fucking park bench, Harry. Get the fuck out.”

He left, and I set myself up in the spare bedroom to try and sleep to relieve my migraine, the pain still debilitating. There was no way I was sleeping in our bed that he had brought another woman into. It was always hard to fall asleep with the pain of a migraine, but this was so much harder as I grappled with the scene that had played out in front of me. My brain eventually succumbed to sleep, likely too exhausted to remain conscious any longer and I slept through the night with nightmares replaying Harry’s betrayal playing on a loop all night long.

I called out of work the following day and started to pack my belongings. Harry and I were over. I was heartbroken but refused to allow myself to forgive him and move forward with our wedding.

His family was devastated. They were horrified at what he had done, and his own mom convinced him not to fight me on the house considering I’d used my inheritance money to pay for the down payment. I refused to speak with Harry. I didn’t want to hear his reasoning and excuses. His family helped to move his belongings out of the house, with Bri helping to sell our shared furniture. I didn’t want to take anything we shared with me. I told Bri that Harry could have the money from the sale of our shared belongings as a settlement of sorts financially.

I originally planned to rent myself an apartment in Salem and continue working at the school. I didn’t want to uproot my whole life just because he’d destroyed the life we had been making together. But it soon became apparent that I didn’t have a life in Salem without Harry. All of my friends were people I’d met through Harry. While most of them were horrified to hear about what he had done, none of them were going to abandon their friendship with him. Not that I’d even dream of asking them to choose sides, but I couldn’t continue to maintain these friendships for my own peace of mind. Harry was dead to me.

I’d had to call my dad to tell him the wedding was off, humiliated once again. He immediately offered for me to come stay with him, but I’d declined. I hated Austin. I hated the heat. I’d hated living there during my senior year. But the more I tried to find a path to move forward on, the more it made sense for me to return to Austin and move in with my dad until the house sold and I could figure out my next steps.

I caught sight of my dad as I rounded the corner in the airport and reached the baggage claim area. He was standing next to an empty luggage trolley, already prepared to help me collect my belongings. He greeted me with a hug that lingered longer than I wanted it to but didn’t pull back until he did.

“It’s good to see you, kiddo” dad said as he pulled away from the embrace.

“Yeah, you too.”

“How was the flight?”

“It was fine,” I said as I shrugged. “Quicker than I remember it being when I was a kid.”

Dad chuckled and offered to take my carry-on bag while I waited for my suitcases to appear on the conveyer belt.

I lifted each suitcase and placed them on the trolley one by one. Dad waved me aside when I went to push the trolley, insisting he navigate it through the crowd of people and outside to the airport parking lot to his car. We loaded my luggage into the tray of his truck, and I settled into the passenger seat.

Dad hopped into the driver’s seat, started the car and pulled out of the parking lot. It would be about 45 minutes until we arrived at his house.

“I know it’s still early, but what are your thoughts on going to that Mexican restaurant you like for dinner?” Dad asked the question without moving his eyes off the road.

“Is it ok if we get it for takeaway?”

I couldn’t think of anything worse right now than sitting in a loud, crowded restaurant.

“’Course. There’s a game on tonight we can put on the TV while we eat if you want.”

“Yeah, sounds good.”

Truthfully, I hated the idea of watching a game of football tonight as well, but figured I’d pick my battles. I could easily excuse myself after eating and not have to watch the whole game. It’s not that I hated football, I just hated almost everything at the moment.

I stared out the window while my dad started to talk about the stats of the season, offering a few mumbles of acknowledgement here and there. He didn’t try to push me to talk more, and I appreciated it.

As the trucked pulled into the driveway of his house and I took a deep breath as I opened my door. Dad helped me take my things out of the back of the truck and brought them inside.

The house was just how I remembered it from the last time I was here. It’s clean and tidy, which is impressive for a house that belongs to a single man. Pictures of me from when I was younger line the walls, along with classic western artwork of horses and the desert. There’s still a light stain on the carpet next to the couch in the loungeroom from one of my summer vacation visits when I tried to paint my toenails bright red when I was 11. I’d knocked the nail polish bottle off the side table and no matter how hard dad scrubbed, the stain never fully went away.

Harry and I had come to visit for my dad’s 50th birthday over two years ago, but we’d stayed in an Airbnb rather than at dad’s house. My childhood bed wasn’t large enough for both of us and I’d also wanted to be able to have our own space during the visit.

“Made some changes your bedroom over the last week,” dad said as he brought the last suitcase inside. “Figured might want it a bit different than you had it when you were 18.”

I followed him as he walked up the staircase and opened the door to my childhood bedroom. The purple walls had been freshly painted and were now a basic off-white color. My bed was gone and there was a queen-sized bed in its place, as well as a new set of drawers.

“You didn’t have to do all this,” I said as I looked around the room as took in the new sight.

“’S no trouble,” dad said as he placed the suitcases in his hands next to the wardrobe.

“Thank you, it looks great.”

“Don’t mention it. I’ve got all your old things in some boxes in the wardrobe. Figured you should be the one to go through it all and see what you want to keep or get rid of.”

He made his way out of the bedroom and back down the stairs to collect more of my suitcases. I took the time to have a look around the room at the new furniture before he returned.

“How’d you manage to get this set up on your own?” I called out as I heard his footsteps coming back up the stairs.

“Didn’t do it alone,” dad replied as he walked back in the room, setting the next lot of suitcases down next to the others. “Joel came and helped.”

Joel Miller lived in the house across the road from dad. He’d moved to the neighborhood with his young daughter, Sarah, before my mom had died and I’d moved back to Austin for my senior year. I’d babysat Sarah when she was around 6 years old – it was the only exception my dad had made to my curfew rules because I was only across the road. Joel was a contractor and had taken a job on a site a few hours away from home and had needed someone to look after Sarah until he got home late each night. It was an easy job, and I’d loved going over and spending time with Sarah.

Joel was a young dad, in his mid-twenties when I’d been babysitting. I didn’t know the story behind where Sarah’s mom was, only that she hadn’t been in the picture since Sarah was a toddler. He’d be in his early thirties now. I’d never told anyone, but I’d had a bit of a crush on him back them. He was tall, tanned and incredibly handsome.

I’d seen him a few times when I’d come to visit my dad during college, and again briefly during my last visit. He had still been just as handsome as I’d remembered him and I’d had to snap myself out of staring at him when dad had introduced Joel and Harry to each other when Joel had been getting Sarah into the car to take her to soccer practice. Looking back on the interaction now, Joel had almost seemed a little hostile as he and Harry exchanged a handshake. He was probably just in a rush to get Sarah to practice on time. In all the time I’d known Joel, he’d never been a big talker or seemed very social. Sarah and work were his two priorities and he didn’t make space for much more than that.

He and dad had forged a good friendship over the years, likely bonding over being girl dads and football. He’s a lot younger than my dad, but they both get along like a house on fire. They were often at each others houses sharing a beer and watching a game on TV. There were times where I’d call my dad to check in and say hi, and Sarah would snatch the phone from his hands so that she could catch me up on all the latest gossip that was going on in her world. I’d come to see her like a little sister I’d never had.

“Sarah’s looking forward to seeing you again.”

My attention snaps back into the present at the mention of Sarah’s name.

“I’m looking forward to seeing her again too,” I respond truthfully. “She’d be what, 12 now?”

“13 this weekend.”

I make a mental note to go out this week to get her a present. I’m not sure what 13 year old girls like these days but it shouldn’t be too hard to figure out.
With the last of my suitcases brought up from downstairs, dad gives me some space to unpack and get settled in.

I sit down on the new bed and take in my surroundings. Even though the room looks brand new, I can’t help but feel the same sense of captivity I felt during my senior year.

I was never supposed to end up back here.

Chapter Text

Dad had ordered two of almost everything on the menu to bring home for us for dinner.

It took him two trips from his truck into the house to bring in the boxes full of Mexican takeaway.

“Jesus, dad,” I’d said as I stood at the foot of the stairs and stared at the pile of food being set up on the coffee table in the lounge room. “Are you catering for an army tonight?”

“Wanted to make sure you had plenty of options.”

“A singular burrito would have more than sufficed.”

“Well, now you can have some burrito, tacos, quesadillas, enchiladas and whatever else your heart desires.”

I felt a pang of guilt wash over me as I knew that I wouldn’t be eating as much as he hoped I would. Truth be told, I’d barely been able to eat since I’d walked in on Harry three weeks ago. I’d been in a constant state of nausea from the heartbreak, only managing to keep down small amounts of food at a time. I’d already lost around 10 pounds in that short amount of time. Clearly, dad had noticed and was trying his best to help look after me.

“There’s a pack of Coronas in the fridge if you want one.”

I walk over to the kitchen, open the fridge and pull out two Coronas. I locate the bottle opener from one of the kitchen drawers and discard the lids into the trash before walking back out to the lounge room and hand one of the bottles to dad.

I sit down on the other end of the couch and stare at the food on the table in front of me, feeling my stomach twist into tighter knots as I fight the feeling of nausea creeping back in. I consider the options in front of me and try to think what would be easiest on my stomach as dad flicks on the tv and flicks through the channels to bring up the football game.

I still haven’t decided what to try to eat first when a knock sounds from the front door. I use the opportunity to leave my spot in the couch and open it to give myself more time before attempting to eat.

The person on the other side of the door barely waits for me to open it all the way before they burst inside and tackle me in a hug. A genuine laugh escapes me as I wrap my arms around Sarah’s body and return her embrace. I look up and see Joel walking up the driveway, shaking his head as he approaches.

“Sorry about that,” he says to me as he steps onto the front porch. “Told her to wait till tomorrow when you’d settled in a bit first, but she’s too quick for me these days. Jumped out of the truck before I’d even put the truck in park.”

Sarah pulled back from our embrace and rolled her eyes.

“And I told him that you’d be happy to see me tonight and that I didn’t need to wait.”

I smile as I look down at the bubbly almost-teenager. She’s grown so much since I saw her last a couple of years ago and realize it’s only a matter of time before she’ll be as tall as I am.

“And you were absolutely right,” I say to Sarah as I sling my arm over her shoulder and bring her in for a side hug.

I watch as Joel’s face relaxes as he no longer feels concerned about Sarah intruding. I can’t help but admire Joel as he stands in the doorway. His brown hair tousled with a few stray curls, his beard is short and scruffy, and his white shirt showing off his strong, tanned biceps; evidence of his manual labor as a contractor. I can’t help but let the thought enter my mind that Joel is only getting more attractive with age.

“You guys should join us for dinner. Dad bought enough Mexican to feed an army.”

“Good idea,” I hear dad say from his seat on the couch. “Come on in. Joel, there’s Coronas and soda in the fridge.”

“Don’t wanna intrude.”

“Yes! My favorite!”

Joel and Sarah’s voices speak in unison but Sarah moves out from under my arm and makes her way over to the array of food in the living room.

I smile and turn my gaze to Joel.

“Looks like you’re out numbered.”

He gives a small shake of his head, but I see the smile that’s formed on his face.

“You sure it’s ok? First night back, don’t wanna take away from you getting to catch up with John - I mean, your dad.”

“Positive. The more the merrier.”

Joel walks through the entryway and collects a Corona and soda before taking a seat in the lounge room, handing the soda can to Sarah. She and my dad have already started on dinner. Joel sits on the armchair closest to where my dad is sitting on the couch. Sarah’s found her place next to my dad and I sit on the other side of her, picking up a few tortilla chips in my hand to eat slowly.

Dad and Joel start to talk about last weeks game and their predictions for the game tonight and Sarah joins them with her own thoughts here and there. I can’t help but feel a sense of relief at the presence of the two additional dinner guests. Eating dinner while watching a game should be an easy enough father/daughter interaction, but I’d been nervous about it all afternoon. The last time my dad and I had shared a meal alone together hadn’t gone so well.

I manage to eat four tortilla chips before feeling like I’m pushing my stomach too far. Dad is too engrossed in the game to notice just how little I’ve eaten. I keep my Corona held tightly in one hand, and a tortilla chip in the other to keep up the illusion that I’m still eating. I feel the buzz from the alcohol easily considering it’s going down on an almost empty stomach. I’ve only had half of the drink but I feel slightly tipsy nonetheless. I welcome the warmth of the buzz, indulging in the pleasant feeling and giving me brief escape from all the horrible feelings I’ve had over the past few weeks.

At halftime, Joel excuses himself from the lounge room, mumbling something about using the bathroom. Dad and Sarah are in deep discussion about a ref’s decision earlier in the game and I take the opportunity to excuse myself for a little bit as well. I walk over to my bag that’s hanging on the coat hook near the front door and fish out a pack of cigarettes, taking one from the box and making my way back through the living room and kitchen to the back door.

As I close the door behind me after stepping outside, I’m startled by a figure standing off to the side in the shadows.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to startle ya.”

I put a hand over my heart in relief as I recognize Joel’s voice. I see the light from his own lit cigarette as he brings it to his mouth and inhales the smoke in.
“Jesus, thought you were using the bathroom.”

Joel huffs a small laugh as he blows out the smoke he’s just inhaled, his head turned so that the smoke doesn’t blow in my direction.

“Yeah, can’t outright say I need a smoke or Sarah gets angry.”

“She’s got a point. Those things will kill you ya know.”

I take a few steps closer to Joel and realize I’ve left my lighter inside. I hold up the cigarette in my own hand.

“Got a light?”

Joel’s eyebrows lift in amusement and he pulls a lighter out of his jean pocket and holds it out to me to take. I’m not sure why I do it, but instead of taking the lighter out of his hand and lighting my own cigarette, I put the cigarette in my mouth and lean forward, inviting him to light it for me. Without missing a beat, he adjusts the lighter in his hand and flicks the spark wheel to produce a flame. I take a deep first drag and practically sigh on the exhale, feeling the nicotine ease the tension in my body already.

“Thanks,” I say before taking another inhale.

“Just don’t tell Sarah, otherwise she’ll be on your case too.”

I chuckle as I exhale. I know he’s not wrong. Sarah’s the sweetest, most caring young girl I’ve ever met; but she’s also outspoken when she needs to be.

“Got a good head on her shoulders that one.”

“No idea where she got it from. Certainly not me.”

“You’re definitely doing something right.”

Joel doesn’t respond to this, but I catch the small smile play at his lips for a brief moment.

“Truthfully I’ve been trying to quit,” I say to move the conversation along again. “Managed to go 2 months without a single one before...”

I let the words trail off. I wasn’t thinking clearly before starting that sentence. I’d had my first cigarette at a party in college when I was drunk, and it became a ritual that I engaged in only when I’d consumed copious amounts of alcohol. As I got closer to the end of college and the stress and expectations of next steps started to creep up on me, I found myself reaching for them with less and less alcohol in my system before I was lighting up stone cold sober. I made a promise to myself that I’d take my last drag on the day of my graduation, but by then the addiction had already sunk deep into my being and quitting became harder than I thought it would be.

I made several attempts and was on my most successful streak before I walked in on Harry with another woman in our bed. I broke my sobriety the very next day and haven’t been able to stop again. I made a mental commitment on the plane to slowly reduce how many I have each day to try and make it easier. I’ve already had significantly less today, but I attribute that to the travel time on the plane and being with my dad. He’s not a smoker, and while he hasn’t chastised me for partaking in smoking, I know he doesn’t like it.

I look out into the backyard and take another deep inhale, letting the smoke fill my lungs and try to think of a way to change the conversation. Joel speaks before I have a chance.

“Sorry to hear about... sorry it didn’t work out for you.”

I move my gaze over to Joel’s face and can see the sincerity in his expression. For some reason, I don’t shy away from responding to him and don’t try to change the topic as I’d intended to before he spoke.

“Honestly, I should have paid more attention to the signs.”

“We see what we want to see. Not your fault.”

“We convince ourselves we don’t see the signs because we don’t want to see them. Doesn’t change the fact they were usually right in front of us.”

I spoke with complete sincerity. In the last few weeks of processing the demise of Harry's and my relationship, I looked back on all the times I’d ignored the red flags that were being waved right in my face.

A month into our relationship when we’d formally become exclusive, we’d been hanging out in his dorm room when he’d left briefly to grab something from another room. He’d left his phone on the seat next to me and it lit up with a notification. I glanced down at the display as the light caught my attention and noticed there was a Tinder notification there as well. I was confused because we’d spoken about being exclusive with one another and I was under the impression we had both deleted any and all dating profiles we had. I confronted him about it when he came back into the room.

“Were you going through my phone? Don’t you trust me?”

“No, I didn’t even touch your phone. A notification lit up your phone screen and it caught my attention. I saw the Tinder notification on the screen below the most recent notification.”

“Well it’s not what you think it is.”

“So it wasn’t a Tinder notification? I know I didn’t misread the name of the app.”

“It’s just a generic notification trying to get me to re-use the app. I deleted my profile but forgot to delete the actual app.”

He unlocked his phone at this point and scrolled through the various app icons on his phone to prove he didn’t have any other dating apps installed on his phone. When he came across the Tinder app, he held his finger down to edit his apps and he clicked the little cross on top of the square image and deleted the app.

“Happy now?”

“I’m sorry, it just caught me off guard.”

I let the subject drop and chose to believe he was telling the truth. I shouldn’t have.

A few weeks after our first anniversary, I got a text message from an unknown number claiming to be a woman that had slept with Henry after a night out a few days earlier.

Hey girly, you don’t know me and I don’t know you, but I just found out that you exist and I needed to tell you that Harry and I hooked up last weekend after meeting at a bar. He told me his name was Luke and that he wasn’t in a relationship. But a friend of mine from NYU recognized him and told me his name the next day. I looked him up online and found his social media pages and that’s when I learnt about you. I’m so sorry, I never would have even spoken to him if I knew.

I confronted him about this message too. I knew he’d been out at a bar that night with some of his guy friends while I’d been in my dorm trying to finish a research paper that was due on Monday.

He claimed the mystery woman was lying and even called the friends he went out drinking with to corroborate his story. They all backed him up without hesitating and so I chose again to believe him. I shouldn’t have.

That wouldn’t be the last time I’d question his behavior and unfortunately wouldn’t be the last time I’d believe his reasoning.

Joel took one final drag of his cigarette and used the bottom of his boot to put out the embers.

“Still not your fault.”

“Agree to disagree I guess.”

I watched as an expression crossed Joel’s face for half a second but couldn’t read what it was. I decided to change the subject properly this time and move on from the discomfort I’d created.

“So I hear you’ll have a teenager in the house next weekend.”

Joel smiled gently and nodded.

“Yep, no idea where all that time went.”

“Got any tips on what kind of present she might like?”

“She’s got a book wish list I can share with you if you like.”

“A girl after my own heart. Yeah, that would be great.”

I’d finished my own cigarette now and bent down to squash the butt of the cigarette against the ground.

“I’ll make a copy of it and put it in your mailbox before I leave for work tomorrow morning. Already bought two off her list so I’ll leave them off so there’s no double up.”

“Perfect, thank you. I might have been counselling them for the past year, but I have no idea what 13 year old’s want these days for their birthday.”

“Weren’t you that age only a few years ago?”

I kick his leg playfully.

“Hey! It’s been over a decade actually.”

Joel laughs and holds his hands up in mock surrender.

“That’s right, forgot you’re a real grown up now.”

I laugh, feeling genuine amusement with his teasing. I savor the feeling for a few moments, a brief relief from the never ending heaviness of the past few weeks.

There’s silence between us, and I steal a glance over at Joel and find he’s already looking at me. Our gazes stay locked for a heartbeat and I see he’s about to speak again, but the sliding door opens and Sarah sticks her head out as she calls both of our names.

“You guys wanna take a break from slowly killing yourselves and come back to the game? You’re missing a lot.”

“Nothing gets by you does it?” I say as I walk towards the open door to re-join Sarah and my dad in the loungeroom.

I feel Joel’s presence behind me as he follows me inside.

We resume our positions on the couch and armchair and watch the rest of the game.

When the game finishes, Sarah moves to help my dad clear away the rubbish and leftover food, but he waves her off telling her he’s got it handled.

“Should get home anyway, baby girl. Gotta have you at your friends house early before I go to work tomorrow.”

Sarah doesn’t respond to her dad and turns her head towards me.

“Did you know he won’t even let me stay home alone while he’s at work during the day? I’m almost 13 now, I can look after myself at home.”

“Yeah well you’re not 13 yet,” Joel says, ignoring the fact that Sarah is ignoring him. “And even after next weekend, I’m still not ready to have you home alone in the house just yet.”

Sarah rolls her eyes and gives me an exasperated look. I laugh at her expression and put my arm around her shoulder.

“Trust me, you do not want to be in a rush to grow up.”

“Hey, whose side are you on?”

I laugh and squeeze her shoulder with my hand.

“I’m always on the side that’s in your best interest.”

Sarah just groans in response but she doesn’t try to move away from my embrace, so I know she’s not really upset with me.

Joel motions Sarah towards the front door and she rolls her eyes one more time before turning to give me a hug goodbye and follows her dad to the entryway. Joel thanks my dad for having them over for dinner and gives me a small wave in farewell. Dad echo’s his own goodbye and heads back to the loungeroom to clean up after dinner. Sarah moves to follow her dad outside and then turns abruptly to face me again.

“Oh! I almost forgot! I’m having a birthday next weekend at our place. All my friends are coming over to hang out in our pool and dad’s gonna have the grill going. Will you come over too?”

I’m not entirely sure how I feel about the idea of being at a pool party with a group of tweens and teens, but I don’t have it in me to deny Sarah’s request.

“Absolutely.”

Sarah squeals with excitement and tackles me with another hug.

“Yay! It starts at 11am on Saturday. Bring your swim suit!”

I smile as I watch Sarah run out the front door and across the street towards her own house, leaving Joel still standing on our front porch.

“It’s ok if you’ve got other plans...” Joel starts to say.

“None at all. I’ll be there. Just don’t forget to share that list with me so I can get her a good present and not show up empty handed.”

Joel nods in response.

“It’ll be in your mail box by the time you wake up tomorrow.”

“Good. Also, let me know if you ever need someone to come over and stay with Sarah. I don’t have a lot going on these days so I’d be glad to help - free of charge this time. I might be jobless, but I’m not a broke 17 year old anymore.”

“Nah, can’t ask you to give up your time like that.”

“You’re not asking. I’m offering.”

Joel stares at me, clearly still unsure of my words.

“Honestly, you’d be doing me a favor,” I say with complete sincerity. “Wasn’t lying when I said I don’t have a lot going on these days.”

Joel looks a little uncertain but he doesn’t move to shut down the idea further.

“Thanks, I’ll let you know if I need to take you up on it.”

“Good. See you Saturday.”

Joel gives a small nod in farewell and I catch myself staring after him for a few moments as he walks back towards his own house. I close the door and turn towards the loungeroom to see what else needs to be cleaned, but dad’s already got it all finished.

I suddenly feel a pang of guilt for inviting Sarah and Joel in for dinner without consulting my dad first. Even though I was anxious at the idea of spending time alone with my dad, he might have been looking forward to the quality time.

I find my dad in the kitchen tying down the bag to the trash and preparing to take it to the bin outside.

“Hey, sorry I didn’t ask you first if Sarah and Joel could join us for dinner.”

Dad gives the knot on the plastic bag one final tug to make sure it’s secure before looking up at me.

“Huh? Oh, nonsense! Never would have got through all that food if you didn’t. Besides, Sarah’s great fun to watch the game with. She gets excited about it more than Joel and I combined.”

I release the tension in my shoulders that I didn’t realize I was holding on to. Dad lifts the bag of trash and takes it out the back to throw in the outside bin. I pick up the empty bottles of Corona and Sarah’s soda can and follow him out to put them in with the recycling.

“I offered to go over and look after Sarah if Joel ever needs it.”

My dad holds the lid to the recycling open for me as I toss the empty bottles and can inside.

“Sure he’ll appreciate that. Never seen a harder worker than Joel and don’t know how he’s done it on his own for so long.”

Dad lowers the recycling lid and we both walk back inside to the kitchen.

“She’s a good kid, she’s invited me over to her pool party for her birthday too.”

Dad smiles and brings his gaze up to meet my own.

“Can’t believe she’ll be 13. Time goes by so fast. Feels like only yesterday you were her age.”

I give him a weak smile in response and I avert my gaze to look at the sink in the kitchen, not wanting to look at my dad. I know it’s been over 10 years since I was 13 and first told him I wanted to stop coming to visit him each summer. I know he doesn’t hold any animosity towards me for it. But it doesn’t stop the guilt creeping in. Doesn’t stop the memories of arguments that have passed.

“I’m gonna head upstairs and turn in for the night,” I say, trying to bring the conversation to a natural end.

He nods his head in response and I can see that he senses my discomfort. I start to turn to move towards the stairs when he speaks again.

“Wait.”

I pause and slowly turn my body back to face him again. I meet his gaze and wait for him to continue speaking.

“I don’t want to keep you up. Know it’s been a long day with the travel and all...”

He trails off and I keep silent, giving him space to collect his thoughts and voice what he wants to say. My stomach ties itself in knots again in anticipation of whatever it is that’s on his mind.

“I know this isn’t the ideal living arrangement for you,” he says as he gestures aimlessly around him.

“I know you don’t necessarily have the best memories of this place, especially after your mom...”

My head drops slightly and my eyes fall to the floor as I try to shut out the memory of my mom in the hospital. Try to shut out the memory of walking into her hospital room while she was on the phone to my dad, making him promise to look after me when she was gone. But I can’t keep the images out of my head no matter how hard I try.

It had been a strange sight that day. The only time I wasn’t by her side in those final weeks was when I was at work at my summer job at a café just a few blocks away from the hospital. I’d come back to the hospital when one of my shifts was over and was shocked to hear her on the phone with my dad. They only ever spoke when they were arranging flights and plans for me to go back to visit him during summers and holidays. But she knew she was close to the end and wanted to make sure she died knowing I’d be safe and cared for.

Even though she’d moved us across the country and away from him, she’d always let me have a relationship with him and encouraged our phone calls and visits. For whatever reason their marriage didn’t work out, she never let it get in the way of his relationship with me.

I hear my dad take in a deep breath and keep silent to let him continue speaking.

“I know I didn’t always get it right when you came back. I can try and blame it on just doing my best with what I had, but the truth is that I was stubborn. I didn’t want to see how much you’d grown up without me. Didn’t want to see how easily you could look after yourself. Didn’t want to hear it when you tried to tell me for yourself.”

I watch as he rubs the back of his neck with his hand, clearly feeling nervous to let the words fall between us.

“I know you left for college with every intention of never coming back here if you could help it. I know you kept me at arms length after you left. I know that’s my fault.”

I let his words sink in, not entirely sure what to do with them or how to process them.

“I know that you’re hurting a lot right now. Wish like hell that you weren’t, and that you were here under much better circumstances. But I’m really happy to have you here. And I hope...”

I hear his voice waver and clears his throat twice before continuing.

“I hope that maybe we can grow closer again, if that’s ok with you.”

I finally lift my head from staring at the floor and see the sincerity in his eyes. My dad has never been one to show a lot of emotion, but right now he’s letting it all show so that I can see that he means what he says.

“I’d like that,” I respond softly but earnestly.

I know that I can’t expect us to have the perfect father/daughter relationship overnight, but now that I’ve lost just about everyone in my life that I care about, I don’t want to lose him as well. Truth be told, a big part of my anxiety about being here stems from knowing that our relationship is rocky. There’s a voice in my head that tells me that even this arrangement could all fall apart without a moments notice.

I watch as his eyes light up with his smile as he takes in my response.

He gives a short nod and I hear him exhale the breath he’s been holding.

“Well like I said, I don’t want to keep you up.”

I nod back in response and wish him goodnight before turning to walk up the stairs to my bedroom and turn in for the night.

Chapter Text

True to his word, Joel had left the list of books on Sarah’s wish list in the mailbox early the following morning.

Just like every other night for the past 3 weeks, I’d struggled to sleep soundly; tossing and turning and waking up with a jolt anytime I felt myself start to drift off. The last time I jolted awake was to the sound of Joel’s truck starting up across the road and I looked over at the time in my phone.

5.45am

I bury my face in my pillow with a groan, coming to terms with the fact that the day is beginning and there’s no point in continuing to try and fall into a proper REM sleep.

I push up off the bed with another groan and stretch my body out, feeling stiff from laying in an unfamiliar mattress all night. I make a mental note to buy myself a mattress topper in the hopes it’ll make the new mattress a little more comfortable.

I make my way downstairs and into the kitchen, flicking on the coffee machine before heading outside to the mailbox. I bring the folded piece of paper inside and prepare a coffee for myself before setting down at the coffee table and unfold the slip of paper to see Joel’s handwriting on the page.

The Fault in Our Stars
City of Bones
The Perks of Being a Wallflower
Throne of Glass
The Hunger Games - the special edition with sprayed edges from Sam’s Bookstore
Vampire Academy - not Twilight, they’re the wrong vampires
Looking for Alibrandi

I smile down at the list, recognizing all of the titles. Most of them being books I read when I was teenager. I look back over the list and chuckle at the commentary next to Vampire Academy. I wonder if Sarah wrote that down on the original list she made for Joel or if he’d found out the hard way that Twilight was not the same book she was after.

I fold the list and make the decision that I’ll buy all the books on the small list if I can find them today. I unlock my phone and search for Sam’s Bookstore. It’s not one I’m familiar with and figure it must be a new addition since I lived here during my senior year.

I hear my dad’s footsteps coming down the stairs and look up as he reaches the kitchen.

“Mornin’,” he greets me looking like he’s only woken up mere minutes ago.

“Mornin’,” I echo. “There’s coffee in the pot if you want it.”

He nods in response and walks into the kitchen and pours his own cup, getting milk from the fridge and adjusting it to his liking. He takes a few sips before moving to come sit with me at the dining table.

“Any plans today?” He asks me after taking another sip.

I nod while swallowing my own mouthful of coffee and pick up the folded list and wave it gently.

“Got a birthday wish list to shop for.”

“Whatever you do, don’t make the same mistake Joel did and buy her Twilight.”

I almost choke on my coffee as a laugh escapes me. I unfold the piece of paper and slide it over to my dad so he can see the note Joel made.

“I thought that read like a warning.”

Dad chuckles as he hands the paper back to me after reading it.

“She made a similar list last Christmas and Joel left it at home when he went out shopping. Couldn’t remember the title of the book and asked the cashier to help him find the vampire book 12 year old's are fond of.”

I picture Joel in a bookstore, standing in front of bookshelves with an overwhelming amount young adult titles staring back at him and imagine him trying to figure out which book he’s supposed to buy. The image makes me smile.

“He was so proud for her to open it Christmas morning thinkin’ he’d nailed it. She was still grateful, of course. But gently broke it to him that it wasn’t the one on her list and she already had that one.”

I could see the image of Sarah opening up her presents on Christmas morning and doing her best to put on a happy face as she realized she wasn’t getting the book she really wanted. I could imagine Joel’s face dropping as he realized he got it wrong and felt a tug of sympathy for him, knowing he would have been devastated to get it wrong.

“She made it worth her while though. Told her he could make it up to her by watching all the Twilight movies with him for a movie marathon. Asked him if he was Team Edward or Team Jacob when they were halfway through.”

I cover my mouth as I start laughing. Of course Sarah made her dad sit through a Twilight marathon with her.

“And?” I ask as he drains the last of his coffee into his mouth.

“And what?”

“Is he Team Edward or Team Jacob?”

“Hell if I know. I don’t even know what that means.”

I let out another laugh as I stand up and collect both of our cups. I take them over to the sink and begin to wash them and put them on the drying rack.

“If you can drop me off at work this morning then you can take my truck for the day. I’ll get a lift home with someone so you don’t need to make another trip out.”

“Thanks, Dad. That’d be great. I’ll go shower and get myself ready.”

“Ok. I’m gonna fry up some eggs on toast if you want some.”

“Nah, not really a breakfast person. Thanks though.”

He nods and stands up to go to the kitchen while I walk upstairs and ready myself to leave.

------------

I pull into a car park at the mall downtown after dropping dad off at the accounting firm he works at, wasting no time as I walk quickly from the truck into the air conditioned mall while cursing the feel of the sticky heat on my skin.

I make a beeline for the first coffee shop I see and buy an iced latte for the extra boost of caffeine as well as for the cool feel of the cold liquid.

I take my time as I walk through the mall, keeping my eye out for Sam’s Bookstore. I enter a few stores out of curiosity and browse the items and purchase a cute tote bag from one of them to accompany the books I’m intending buy and put together for Sarah’s present, and purchase a gift bag and card from another store.

Eventually I come across the bookstore and collect a basket at the entry way and start my search for all the books on Sarah’s list. I feel a sense of satisfaction wash over me as I pick up the final book on her list and do a quick double check that the titles in the basket match the titles on the Joel’s piece of paper.

I decide to peruse the store a little longer before going up to pay for the books. It’s been a while since I’ve read a book for pure enjoyment and decide that escaping into a world on paper would be a welcome distraction from the constant replay of the demise of my failed engagement.

I used to read a lot before college and loved getting lost in the world of fantasy books like Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings. I pick up a few books and browse the blurbs on the back before settling on a book about dragon riders at a war college. I can see there are two other books in the series but only take the first one. I’ll come back for the others if I enjoy this one enough to want to read more.

I take my basket up to the cashier and pick out two cute bookmarks to go with my purchase; one to be included with Sarah’s presents and one for my own new book. The cashier rings them up and puts them in a bag as I complete my payment.

I exit the bookstore and start to navigate my way back to the car.

I’m too focused on trying to trace my steps back through the mall that I almost miss hearing someone call my name. They call out a second time, sounding closer this time and I turn to see a man a a few strides away from me waving enthusiastically. He looks to be my age, and there’s a familiarity to him that I can’t quite place my finger on. He closes the distance between us within seconds and I keep my eyes fixed on him trying to place who he is.

“I can’t believe it’s really you!”

I offer a weak smile as I continue to fail to remember who this man is and how he knows me.

“I’m so sorry, you look really familiar but I just can’t…”

“Awww come on, surely you remember the best lab partner you’ve ever had.”

Realization hits me and the memory of my senior year comes back. I was paired with a tall, lanky boy with braces for Biology who had a knack for making me laugh when we were supposed to be listen to the teacher give out instructions.

“James!”

“I knew you couldn’t forget a stud like me,” he says with a laugh.

“You’re impossible to forget, but hard to recognize without your head gear,” I tease back.

“Touché.”

We both move out of the middle of the busy walkway over to one side.

“So what brings you back to Austin? If I remember correctly, you vowed never to return once you left for college.”

I let out a small laugh, but feel my stomach tie in knots again. I’d considered James to be a friend during our senior year, but hadn’t kept in touch with him or anyone else once we graduated. I didn’t want anything more to tie me down to this place. There was no way I was about to retell exactly what brought me back here.

“Oh you know, life had some other plans,” I try to sound nonchalant, but James doesn’t seem entirely convinced as he raises one eyebrow. “I’m staying with my dad for a bit before I figure out my next move.”

His eyebrow lowers but he still looks skeptical. He doesn’t push it further though.

“Well you’ve come back at exactly the right time. No excuse not to make it to our high school reunion next month.”

“It hasn’t even been a decade since we graduated.”

“Yeah I know, but those of us from our year that still stay in touch all get together once a year. I actually tried to look you up and invite you to the second one, couldn’t find you though.”

I wasn’t surprised that he wasn’t able to find me back then. I’d changed my phone number when I moved back to New York and kept off social media almost entirely. It had only been a year ago that my ex-soon-to-be-mother-in-law had convinced me to create a Facebook account so that she could tag me in family pictures she had us take. Even then, I’d refused to use my full name so that I could still keep some sense of privacy on the internet.

“No one else is even going to remember me.”

“Of course they do.”

I give him an unconvinced look but he doubles down.

“We all know what a hard year that was for you, moving to a whole new school for your final year right after losing your mom. We all knew you didn’t want to be here and that you were ready to leave this place in the dust and you kept anyone that wanted to be your friend at arms length. But we still liked you. We still thought of you as a friend.”

He was right. I sighed and continued to avoid his gaze.

“I might not even still be here in a month.”

James put a hand in one of his jean pockets, pulled out a business card and handed it to me. I turned it over in my palm and looked down at his name and contact information.

“If you are, then call me. We’d love to have you there.”

I tuck the card into the back of my phone case for safe keeping and give him a weak smile.

“Alright.”

“Feel free to contact me earlier than that too, you know, if you want someone to hang out with or anything. Would be great to catch up properly.”
“Thanks, James.”

He gives a nod in farewell and slips into the busy mall crowd.

I shift the bag full of new books over to my other hand and resume navigating my way back through the mall to the truck.

When I slip into the drivers seat and close the door, I take a few moments to decompress while waiting on the air conditioning to kick in.

There is no way that I am going to my high school reunion next month.

Chapter Text

I spend the afternoon back home in bed with my laptop propped up on my thighs while I browse through listings for houses in various parts of the country. I’d had an email from the realtor for my house in Salem to let me know there had been a few showings over the past week with people expressing their interest, but no offers yet.

The houses I was looking at now were nowhere near anything I’d be able to afford or even want to move into. They were merely a way to pass the time and distract me from my own thoughts.

It was late afternoon when my eyes grew tired from the laptop screen and I closed the lid and looked over at my new book sitting on the nightstand. I didn’t have it in me just yet to start reading and lose myself in the world of magic and dragons. I also know that I needed to find some sort of direction or I’ll drive myself insane with boredom.

I know that I also need to take it slowly. I’m a trained psychologist, and I know the importance of taking time to process a trauma and giving myself the time and space to heal and move on. That doesn’t mean I need to keep myself locked away in my room for days on end.

I look out the window and see Joel’s truck is parked in the driveway of his house. I think forward to Sarah’s birthday party this Saturday and wonder if Joel could use any help with getting things set up and ready. I’m more than happy to help with picking up decorations and cooking party food ahead of time. It’d help fill my days and it’ll honestly feel good doing something to help make another person happy.

Without thinking about it any further, I get up out of the bed and make my way downstairs, out the front door, walk across the street to Joel’s house and ring his doorbell.

Joel answers the door a few moments later, dressed in his usual jeans and white t-shirt, his hair is damp and messy. He must have showered when he arrived home.

“Hey,” Joel greets with a smile.

“Hey,” I reply, suddenly feeling a bit anxious about coming over without asking first. “Sorry to come over unannounced.”

“Nothing to be sorry about. Come on in.”

Joel steps aside to invite me in and I walk past him through the entryway. His house is just as I remember it from all those years ago when I would come over and babysit Sarah. There are new pictures up on the wall with more recent photos of Sarah and a few additional soccer trophies, but otherwise the house is still pretty much the same as it was 7 years ago.

Joel moves past me and walks into his kitchen, pulling a beer out of the fridge.

“Drink?”

“Sure.”

He pulls out a second one and opens the lids with a bottle opener that’s sitting on the bench. He passes one over to me and I take a sip, savoring the cool liquid.

“What brings you to my side of the street?”

I take another sip and lean my elbows on the kitchen counter watching as Joel takes a sip of his own.

“Would have called, but wasn’t sure you still had the same number 7 years later. Didn’t want to bug dad while he was at work and saw your truck was parked out front.”

I take another sip and Joel leans back against the kitchen sink, waiting for me to continue.

“Wanted to see if you needed anything to help with Sarah’s party.”

“Nah s’alright, I should have it all covered in time.”

“You sure? I know I’ve only been here barely a day but I’m already starting to go a little stir crazy. It’s really no trouble for me to help, especially considering I know you’re busy with work.”

Joel takes a few moments before replying, taking a few more sips of his beer and looking out the window.

“Well, there is one thing you could do.”

“Anything. Just name it and I’ll have it covered.”

Joel looks back at me and gives me a look that appears to be like a warning.

“You’re gonna wanna hear what it is before you say that.”

“Joel, I’ve been home for less than 48 hours and have already considered cutting my own bangs just for something to do. Believe me, I’m desperate to have something - anything - to occupy my time.”

Joel reaches into his pocket and takes out his phone, unlocking the screen and scrolling before putting the phone down in the table to face me.

“Swipe through, there’s a few examples she sent me.”

I pick his phone up off the table and swipe through the images. There are different pictures of balloon garlands and photo booths at each swipe. I smile, picturing Sarah with all her friends posing at the camera and laughing as they capture each moment.

“Looked into hiring one but they’re stupid expensive. Knew I wouldn’t have the time to make it myself but offered to buy everything for Sarah to try and make herself. She scrunched her nose up at that idea and said she’d be ok without it. You can still back out now if you like.”

“I’m up for the challenge. I’ve got a great digital camera and an old Polaroid camera I can bring around as well so they can take some instant shots as well as some digital ones. Mind if I send these to my phone?”

Joel nods, and I swipe out of the photo app and open his messages app. I type in my phone number and attach the photos before clicking send. I then click on my phone number on top of the message and add it to his contacts. I hand the phone back to him without locking it so he can see what I’ve done.

I fish my own phone from the back pocket of my jean shorts and confirm that the message has arrived in my phone. I open it up and go to save Joel’s number into my contacts - but it’s already saved. My number may have changed right after high school but his didn’t.

“Can we keep it a surprise?”

Joel nods in response as I finish the last drops of my beer.

“Sure, don’t see why not.”

“Perfect, I can’t wait to see the look on her face when she realizes she’s getting one. Alright, I better get cracking and channel my inner Joel to build this thing.”

“You got my number again so give me a call or whatever if you get stuck and need a hand with any of it.”

I scoff and wave him off.

“The whole point of me doing this is because you don’t have time to. I’ll be fine.”

Joel moves to collect my empty beer bottle from in front of me and puts both of our bottles into his recycling box under the sink.

“And I don’t doubt that you’ll have it handled. But if any of it gets too difficult on your own, just sing out.”

I roll my eyes in response but can’t help but smile too. It’s just like Joel to still offer to help when he’s too pressed for his own time. He’s always been selfless like that. I’ve always admired him for it.

He smiles and shakes his head at my response but doesn’t say anything further. I put my phone back in my pocket and head towards the front door. I pull the door open and feel Joel’s arm move beside me to hold it open while I walk out.

“I’ll let you know when it’s done and we can figure out moving it into place without her seeing.”

“Lookin’ forward to it.”

I give him a small wave and he nods in farewell as I walk out the door and make my way back to my dad’s house to start planning.

----------

Joel had lingered in his open front door a few moments longer than he should have as you walked back to your house across the road from his.

There was a tightness in his chest that had never really left for almost two years now since he’d seen you last. It had eased a bit while you were gone, but it squeezed almost uncomfortably so when he saw you last night. Saw how frail you looked. Saw how defeated you seemed. Saw how you were barely eating.

You’d come to visit John, your dad, with that asshole of a fiancé for John’s 50th birthday. He’d had no opinion of the guy when his friend told him you was coming to visit with him and had genuinely hoped that the two of you were happy.

He’d come home from work one afternoon when he saw the boy sneak out of front door and slip into their hire car and rolled the window down. He hadn’t his phone held in front of his face and Joel could see he was on a video call. There was a look of pure lust on the boys face as he spoke to whoever was on the other end, and he watched him blow a kiss to the screen before he put his phone down and got out of the car and went back inside the house again.

Joel might not have seen who was on the screen or heard what the boy was saying to them, but he saw enough to tell him that boy wasn’t good enough for you and was probably going to break your heart.

He’d been introduced to him the following day at John’s 50th birthday barbecue and learnt that the boys name was Harry. He squeezed Harry's hand hard when he returned the handshake, hoping it portrayed that there was at least one person who saw through his bullshit charm.

John told him last week that the wedding was off and that you would be coming back to Austin for a while to figure out your next steps. He didn’t give details on why the wedding was off, but Joel knew why. He’d wanted to drive across the country straight away to knock him on his ass for hurting you. Wanted to bury him alive six feet under for taking all the love and care you gave him and throwing it away.

He knew how fiercely you loved the people you cared about. He was eternally grateful for how much love and care you had given to Sarah over the years. You were more than just a babysitter to Sarah when you lived here during her senior year, you were an older female presence that he hadn’t been able to provide for Sarah since her mom left when she was only a baby.

He loved the excitement in Sarah’s face anytime she came home to a letter or package from you. You were under no obligation to stay in touch with her and keep that friendship going, but you did anyway. You did because you genuinely loved and cared for Sarah and he wanted you to give the world for making Sarah feel so loved and appreciated.

It didn’t surprise him that instead of nursing your heartbreak by wallowing in bed for weeks on end, you’d decided to do something for someone else so that they would be happy. He admired your selflessness in that regard, but wanted to make sure you felt appreciated as well.

He decided he’d need to figure something out to do for you and repay your kindness.

Chapter Text

I drive my dad to work again the next day so I can take his truck and I get supplies for Sarah’s photo booth. I spent a good chunk of the night before crawling through hundreds of different inspiration photos on Pinterest and then dozens of tutorials on YouTube and sketching out rough drafts with dimensions on how I hope it’ll turn out.

I’d told my dad about the plans when he had come home after work and he cleared out some good space in the garage so I could work on it in there and make it easier to transport on Saturday for the party.

I’d opted to make it into a balloon wall, so that it would be in the background of all the photos and figure I can add in some fake flowers at the end to give it some extra charm.

I had to text Joel late last night while drafting up my plans to ask him what Sarah’s favorite color is. I figured he’d already be asleep considering it was after 1am when I texted him, and I don't expect him to reply until the morning.

Hey, just wanted to check what Sarah’s favorite color is for the balloons. I’m thinking of doing different shades of her favorite color.

I was surprised when his reply came in almost immediately.

Blue - or purple as a close second

Thanks! You’re up late.

So are you.

I texted him back a photo of my laptop, paper and pens scattered on top of my bed so he could see the research and planning I’d been doing.

Once I started I couldn’t stop.

I’d hesitated before deciding to double text him, not sure if I was crossing some kind of boundary.

What’s your excuse?

I watched as the text bubbles show up in the message thread before they disappeared again. They popped up and down a few times before Joel finally replied a few minutes later.

Never been a good sleeper.

I tipped my head to the side as I wondered why it took him so long to write that short of a reply. I didn’t question him about it though.

Same.

It felt strange to be texting Joel back and forth like this, especially so late at night. There was something almost intimate about it, but I couldn’t quite figure out why.

Plans look good. Let me know if you need any help putting it together.

Thanks, but I think I’ve got it covered. I watched a shit ton of tutorials on YouTube tonight so I’m probably actually just as qualified to do your job now.

Oh she’s got jokes.

Only between the hours of 1am and 12.59am.

I’d started to pack up the things on my bed to get ready to try and fall asleep when his last message came through.

You should get some sleep. Call me if you need me.

I’d stared at the text for what felt like hours but in reality was only about two minutes. Call me if you need me. I knew he was referring to if I needed help with the balloon wall, but I couldn’t help but feel more meaning in the sentence.

You too.

I spent the morning driving around to various craft stores and buying up what felt like the entire stock of blue balloons in all of Austin.

I set everything up in the garage and start creating a frame with some dowel and chicken wire to give it some shape. I blew up 20 balloons with my own breath before feeling too lightheaded and impatient, leaving the house to go back to one of the craft stores to buy an electronic balloon pump.

It all started to come together much quicker with the pump. By the second day, I ran out of balloons and had to head back out again to source some more.

I place the final fake flower into the balloon wall the following day - the day before Sarah’s party.

I take a step back and admire my handiwork, surprised that it’s turned out so well. I take a photo of it with my phone and text it through to Joel so he can see it’s completed.

Shit, maybe I should be worried about my job after all.

I’ll take that as a compliment!

You should, it turned out great.

Thanks. How and when do you want us to get it to your place?

I’ll come by after work. Sarah’s staying at a friend’s house tonight.

Perfect, see you then.

Joel arrived a few minutes after my dad came home and the three of us carefully moved the balloon wall out of our garage and over to Joel and Sarah’s. Joel opts for us to leave it in the living room so that Sarah can be surprised by it when she gets home in the morning.

“You know kiddo,” my dad starts as he admires my efforts. “You could start a business making these and sellin’ ‘em to people.”

“He’s right,” Joel agrees. “People pay good money for those things. Saw the prices for myself when lookin’ at ‘em for Sarah.”

“You weren’t willing to pay those prices though,” I scoff. “You just don’t wanna lose your job to me.”

Joel snorts in response.

“You know what I mean.”

We share amused looks at each other and I wonder if I’ve ever seen Joel joke around like this with anyone else who wasn’t Sarah.

“You should be here when Sarah comes home and get to see her reaction.” My dad’s voice breaks through my thoughts and back to the present moment.

“What time is she due home?” I ask Joel.

“6am,” he responds. “The friend she’s staying with tonight is going out of town for the weekend and couldn’t make it to the party so they’re doing tonight’s sleep over instead.”

“Oh gross that’s early for a Saturday. Lucky I love her.”

“You should just stay here tonight ‘n sleep in Sarah’s bed," my dad suggests.

“Dad, I’m not gonna impose on Joel like that. I can wake up and get over here in time in the morning.”

“’S no trouble if you want to.”

I look over at Joel, feeling unsure. Wouldn’t it be weird for me to stay here overnight without Sarah? Joel doesn’t look unsure or concerned though. I don’t let myself think further as to why I want to say yes to staying.

“Are you sure? It’s really no trouble for me to get up early.”

“Very sure. Sarah will be stoked to see you here in the morning and it helps give you a little extra sleep.”

“By like, 5 minutes.”

“Every minute counts.”

“Alright, I’ll stay. But you will be letting me help get things set up for Sarah’s party and I don’t wanna hear any ‘S all good, I got it handled’ bullshit form you.” I point at Joel while exaggerating his southern drawl.

He puts his hands up in mock surrender while my dad huffs a laugh.

Dad leaves and I tell him I’ll be right behind him and that I just want to make sure everything on the balloon wall is secured properly.

I turn to Joel when the door closes behind dad.

“I don’t have to stay here tonight. It’s really no trouble coming over early. My dad shouldn’t have suggested that just out of the blue.”

“Meant it when I said ‘s all good,” Joel shrugs. “You went to a lot to get this done for Sarah. You should be able to see her reaction.”

“It’s not weird, me staying over without Sarah?”

Joel shakes his head.

“You’re important to her, and it’ll mean more to her than you know that you not only made this to surprise her, but wanted to be here the second she walks through the door to see her reaction.”

I feel a warmth fill my chest at his words. Sarah has always felt like the little sister I never had, and it makes me happy to hear she thinks of me as an important part of her life as I think of her in mine.

“Ok, just making sure.”

I leave Joel’s house to go home and pack a bag to get me through until after Sarah’s party tomorrow. I try to squash the nerves fluttering in my stomach, not letting myself give attention to why they might be there.

---------

When I arrive back at Joel’s, I find him in the kitchen surrounded by various fruits.

“I thought the menu at a party thrown by Joel Miller would consist of different types of meat and maybe grilled onion for some fiber,” I tease as I approach the kitchen bench.

“Would be if it were a party for me,” he replies, pulling out a bag of skewers from a kitchen drawer and propping up his phone against the back splash; a collage of colorful fruit kebobs on the screen. “Sarah, however, has been planning this party for the last 8 months since she first discovered Pinterest. Figure she only turns 13 once and this looks easy enough.”

I don’t have a clever response to give back. I can’t help but have admiration for Joel in the way he’d do anything to make Sarah happy. Even though I know my own dad wasn’t absent for my own milestones like this out of choice, it still feels like it heals something in me to see this kind of love and dedication in action.

I look around the rest of the kitchen, seeing bags of candy, cupcake mix, and bags of chips and popcorn. All those combined with whatever meat Joel plans to grill during the party will be more than enough to feed an army of tween kids.

“What can I start on?”

Joel looks over the pile of food on the counter and picks up the boxes of cupcake mix.

“Still good at baking?”

I smile and nod, taking the boxes from his hand. I remember years back when I used to babysit Sarah and she and I would spend afternoons baking whatever she desired.

“Remember when Sarah and I made those M&M cookies?”

Joel scoffs.

“You mean the ones you didn’t hide well enough and she crept downstairs to eat more in the middle of the night and made herself sick eating a dozen of them in a row?”

Amusement and guilt washes over my face as I recall the memory. Sarah and I had spent the afternoon baking M&M cookies, but she’d eaten so many of the M&M’s while we were baking that I’d only let her have one cookie once they were finished, placing the rest of them in a Tupperware container and put them in the pantry. I’d told her she could have them over the next few days as Joel allowed her to.

I’d come over again the next day to collect one of my school books I’d left behind and Sarah was still asleep. Joel had told me she’d snuck downstairs in the middle of the night when he was asleep and ate the entire contents of the container and spent quite a while afterwards vomiting.

I’d apologized profusely, feeling horrible that she’d managed to eat so many and make herself sick like that. Joel had shrugged it off and reassured me it wasn’t the first and likely wasn’t going to be the last time she tried something like that. Came with the territory of raising kids, he’d said.

I move into the kitchen and turn on the oven to let it preheat and get started on making the cupcakes. Joel takes two beers out of the fridge and silently sets one in front of me while we both work on our separate tasks.

The conversation between Joel and I flows easily. I ask him questions about Sarah, her school and her friends and he answers all of them; it’s evident how Joel is present and tuned into Sarah’s life. Joel asks me about my job at the school in Salem, and I can see he’s careful to avoid any topics that might lead to Henry.
When the cupcakes are in the oven, I wash the dishes I’ve used and then find another chopping board and start helping Joel with the fruit kebobs.

By the time the cupcakes are finished, cooled and iced, Joel has finished the last of the fruit kebobs and placed everything in that needs to be chilled into the fridge.

“Anything else?” I ask, watching Joel finish rearranging everything in the fridge so it fits.

“Yeah, water balloons.”

“Seriously?”

“Seriously.”

Joel walks over to the dining table and picks up a shopping bag. He tips the bag slightly to reveal the packets of water balloons inside.

“Oh that’s gonna be a bitch to clean up,” I say while shaking my head.

“Made a deal with Sarah that she and her friends pick up every piece of plastic when they’re done.”

Joel walks through the kitchen to the back door and flicks the porch light on before opening the sliding glass door. I follow him out the back and see two small plastic pools, ones you’d get for a toddler, sitting empty on the back porch.

“One of them is for the filled balloons, and the other is gonna be filled with ice for the drinks.”

“I admire the vision,” I say with honest impression in my voice. “How are we filling these up?”

“Tap round the side of the house. Figure it’s better to do it outside incase any break.”

“You mean when some of them break.”

“I’ve got it from here if you wanna tap out and turn in for the night.”

I scoff in response.

“Thought I said I wasn’t taking that bullshit from you.”

“Just givin’ you an out if this is gonna be too much for you.”

I roll my eyes and take the bag from his grasp and walk towards the side of the house the tap is on. I hear him pick up two porch chairs and then follow me. He sets them down on the ground near the tap and then walks back to bring one of the empty pools over to us.

I open a packet of the water balloons and fit it over the small spout of the tap. I turn the tap on a little too forcefully and the balloon fills too fast and bursts all over me.

“Fuck!” I exclaim, and can’t help but laugh immediately. “You got anymore beer?”

Joel smirks in response and wordlessly walks back inside and brings out the remaining four beers from the six pack and sets it down on the porch next to us. He opens the lids to two beers and then sits down on the other porch chair next to me.

I take a long sip of the beer and then take out another small balloon, careful to turn the tap slower this time. I manage to fill and tie off the water balloon and carefully place it into the empty plastic pool.

Joel puts his own beer down and starts filling up water balloons himself. We work with a good rhythm and conversation again comes easily as we slowly fill the pool with filled water balloons. We talk about books, movies and music. We learn we’re both fans of The Cure and Joel tells me about how he saw them live before Sarah was born.

At one point, my phone buzzes in my pocket and I take it out to see a text message notification from Bri. I swipe to open the message.

Hey, just checking in to see how you’re going. Miss you x

I frown and lock my phone without replying, putting my phone back in my pocket and pick up my beer to take another long sip before returning to the water balloons.

It’s not the first time Bri has texted me since I got back to Austin. When she found out Harry had been cheating, she’d threatened to beat him up on my behalf. She was horrified at what he’d done, even though she was his own sister.

She’d vowed to cut him out of her life, but I’d told her not to do that. At the end of the day, he was her big brother. Regardless of how he acted towards me, I couldn’t let her throw away family like that.

I’d promised her we’d remain friends no matter what, but that was harder than I thought it would be. Every time I’d successfully distracted myself enough to stop thinking about what had happened, she would message me just to say hello and it would all come rushing back again purely out of association of who she was to him.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah, just Harry's sister checking in on me.”

Joel frowns.

“She means well. She was… is my best friend. I think she hates him more than I do right now.”

Joel’s face softens, and I don’t know if I continue talking because of it, or if it’s because I’m drinking on an empty stomach again. Maybe it’s both.

“I haven’t had it in me to reply to any of her messages yet. I want to distance myself as far as possible from anything to do with him, but it’s not her fault her brother couldn’t keep it in his pants.”

“Not your fault either.”

I drain the last of my beer and fumble trying to attach another balloon onto the spout. I feel my frustration bleeding through from the pit of my stomach and out to my fingers as impatience seems to take over my body. The balloon rips before I have the chance to get it over the spout properly and I throw it in the broken pile and reach for another.

“I hate that I wasted all those years on him. My whole world practically revolved around him for almost 5 years, and now I’ve got nothing to show for it.”

I’m not having any luck with the next balloon and this one rips as well. I toss the broken pieces aside and sit back, taking a few breaths to try and center myself. I can feel the rage and anger coming to the surface again but I am hyper aware that now is not the time nor the place to let them escape.

After closing my eyes and taking a few deep breaths in through my nose and out through my mouth, I open them to find Joel sitting quietly and watching me.

“Sorry,” I say as I feel a heat rush to my cheeks, embarrassed to have lost control of my emotions of a little bit. “You don’t need to be bored with any of this bullshit.”

“Got nothing to be sorry about.”

Joel leans over to fill up the empty balloon in his hands before continuing.

“Besides, you’re the expert in this area. Ain’t it ‘sposed to be good to let those thoughts and emotions out?”

I huff a laugh.

“Yeah, I’m a little hypocritical in that area I’m afraid.”

Joel nods in understanding, and ties up the balloon he’s just filled. I pick up another empty one and try again, moving my hands slower this time to try not to break another.

“It gets easier, you know.”

I turn to face him, surprised he’s continuing on with the topic.

“You’ll find something worthy of your time and effort, and if you want it, you’ll find someone worthy of your time and effort too.”

His words peak my curiosity, I’ve never known Joel to be in a relationship with anyone in the time that I’ve known him. It’s always just been him and Sarah.

“You ever find anyone worthy of your time and effort?”

“Sure did, you’re helping me set up her party.”

I can’t help but smile at his response. It was evident in everything Joel did that he lived to make sure Sarah grew up feeling loved, valued and having everything she needed and more.

“Thanks for letting me be involved like this,” I say, gently tossing another full water balloon into the plastic pool. “No idea what I would have done this week without having something to occupy my time.”

Joel sits back in his chair and flexes his fingers to ease some of the tension from tying so many balloons.

“I’m sure you would have found something.”

“Right, like maybe a Twilight marathon. I hear those are your specialty.”

Joel groans in response.

“Jesus, I’m never gonna live that one down.”

“I’m so curious; are you team Edward or team Jacob?”

“Watch it,” his tone doesn’t quite match his words though, so I press on.

“Now that I’m older, I lean more towards being a Charlie or Carlisle girl myself, but you know each to their own.”

Joel gives me a look of warning but I push him again, thankful to have found a change of topic.

“I think I can see you as an Edward kinda gal.”

“That’s it...”

Joel grabs two full water balloons from the completed pile and squeezes them in his hand so they pop right over the top of my head. I yelp at the sudden burst of cold and then attempt to throw the one I’ve just filled and tied up in Joel’s direction. He catches it and pops it again over me as I throw my hands up to try and shield myself from getting even more soaked.

“Alright, alright! I yield!”

I throw my hands up in surrender and Joel sits back in his chair again, a smirk across his face.

“Didn’t quite pick you as a sensitive baby-”

Joel picks up another full balloon from the plastic pool and I throw my hands in front of me in defense.

“Ok never mind! I take it back! I take it back!”

“That’s what I thought.”

Joel drops the balloon back into the pool, his smirk still plastered on his face.

“Now I’m gonna have to go back to dad’s to get another shirt. Had planned on just sleeping in this one.”

“I’ll loan you one of mine.”

“Oh so he’s a gentleman now.”

“Only when I wanna be.”

There’s a change in the energy between us, in a way that feels almost tangible. I look over at Joel and suddenly become hyper aware of the way his shirt molds to his torso and biceps; the way his hands and fingers flex; the fact that his eyes are brown. Joel’s gaze moves to my own and I avert my eyes and hope he doesn’t realize that I was staring. Even if I wasn’t nursing a broken heart, Joel is Sarah’s dad and he’s absolutely off limits.

“How many more of these do we have to go?”

“Ready to tap out already?”

“I can keep going all night long.”

“I’m sure you can,” Joel looks into the shopping the water balloon packets are in and then over to the pile of completed balloons. “Reckon we finish this last packet - there’s only a few left in there. Sarah can help with the rest tomorrow morning.”

It doesn’t take us too much longer to finish the last few balloons in the packet before cleaning up and heading back inside. My t-shirt is still plastered to my body from being drenched by the water balloons.

Joel motions for me to follow him upstairs. He walks into his bedroom and opens a draw to his dresser and rifles around looking for a clean shirt, and I stand in the doorway of his room - not feeling like it’s appropriate for me to cross that threshold.

Joel pulls one out and brings it over to me; a simple, black t-shirt.

“Thanks,” I say, reaching out to take it from him.

Our fingers briefly brush as I take the shirt into my own hand and I feel a nervous energy rush through my body at the touch. I tell myself it’s probably just from the alcohol on an empty stomach.

“No problem,” Joel replies. “Didn’t have anything else I needed to do tonight before the party tomorrow, in case you want to turn in.”

“Yeah, sounds like a good idea. I’ll see you in the morning.”

Joel nods, and I turn to walk back down the hall to Sarah’s room.

I turn and see Joel is still standing at his bedroom door watching me. I give a small smile and he nods again before walking back into his room and closing his door.
I walk into Sarah’s room and peel off my wet shirt and bra, hanging them carefully over the chair at Sarah’s desk to let them dry overnight.

I pull on Joel’s shirt and notice how it smells. It has a normal, freshly clean smell that I expected, but it also smells exactly like him; masculine with a hint of sandalwood and almond. It feels soothing.

I crawl into Sarah’s bed and turn off the lamp beside the bed. It doesn’t take long before I fall asleep, feeling comfortable and calm for the first time in weeks.

Chapter Text

I wake up the following morning to the sound of my phone alarm. I roll over to shut it off and look at the time.

5.45am

I put my phone back down on the night stand, stretch my body out and rub the sleep from my eyes. It was close to midnight when I went to bed, and although I feel groggy, I also feel well rested. It’s the first night in a long time I’ve slept solidly.

After giving myself another minute to let my body wake up, I get up out of bed and toss my messy hair up into a bun before making my way downstairs.

I can tell that Joel is already up by the smell of coffee that hits me as soon as I’m halfway down the stairs. He’s pouring coffee into two mugs by the time I reach the kitchen and doesn’t look up from pouring as he greets me.

“Mornin’.”

“Morn’,”

Joel finishes pouring and moves to the fridge, opening the door.

“How do you take it?”

“Black,” I say as I pick up one of the mugs from the bench and blow on it to cool it down.

Joel closes the fridge door without taking anything out and picks up his own mug. I take a few sips of my hot drink and close my eyes as I picture the caffeine spreading through my system and waking me up further.

“Don’t get me wrong,” I say in between sips. “I love a good sugary, flavored iced latte as much as the next girl, but at this time of the morning I just want the coffee to get straight to the point.”

We continue to drink our coffee in silence. I lean against the kitchen bench with the mug between my arms staring out into the backyard, while Joel leans back against the cabinet under the sink and stares down at his feet.

I can see him in my periphery and I catch myself taking a few short glimpses here and there of him. His hair is tousled and messy from sleep, he’s in the same shirt from last night but this morning it’s paired with grey sweat pants that hang low on his hips. Not for the first time this week I feel a strange sense of intimacy in these moments in the kitchen. I move my gaze down to my half finished coffee and I swear I can feel Joel’s gaze against me.

I start to move my head to see if I’m right and if he really is staring at me when I hear the front door open and Sarah walks inside. Joel sets his mug down on the bench and walks over to greet her.

“Hey da-” Sarah cuts her sentence short as she sees me standing by the kitchen. “Wait, hey, what are yo-”

She cuts herself off again as her eyes move to the balloon wall in the middle of the lounge room.

“Oh my god!”

“Surprise!” I say, smiling wide as I take in her stunned expression. “Do you like it?”

“Like it?” Sarah looks between Joel and I, stunned expression still on her face. “I love it! But dad, you said…”

“Turns out we’ve got an incredibly talented and generous neighbor.”

“Wait, you made this?”

“Yup,” I drain the rest of my coffee into my mouth, put the mug on the bench and walk over to the lounge room. “Practically a construction worker now, your dad said so.”

Joel rolls his eyes but doesn’t argue.

“But why are you wearing one of my dad’s shirts?”

I feel heat rush to my cheeks as a blush takes over. Even though the night was innocent, suddenly the words “Your dad got me all wet and gave me one of his shirts so I could sleepover” sound full of innuendo and I’ve suddenly lost all ability to articulate the night without it sounding weird. Thankfully, Joel steps in.

“She helped me get a big head start on those water balloons and it was a bit messier than I thought it’d be. Her shirt was soaked so I loaned one o’ mine.”

“I slept in your room last night so I could see your reaction to the balloon wall. I hope that’s ok.”

Sarah smiles and races forward to give me a hug.

“Thank you,” she says as she pulls back.

“Now I’ve got a Polaroid with dozens of film packets as well as a digital camera so you can have a mix of both types of photos.”

“Oh my god, this is going to be amazing!”

I sling one arm over her shoulder and kiss her temple.

“Happy birthday, Kiddo. I can’t believe you’re a teenager now!”

Sarah’s smile grows wide as she moves out from under my arm to face me.

“It’s about damn time.”

Joel gently tugs her shoulder to face him and he brings her in for a hug.

“Always my baby girl though,” he says as she wraps her arms around him to return his embrace. “Happy birthday darlin’.”

I slowly back away to the kitchen and collect our empty mugs and prepare to wash them, wanting to give Joel and Sarah some space.

I hear Sarah and Joel exchange plans for the morning, with Joel telling her there are still more water balloons that need to be filled. Sarah rushes upstairs to get herself ready for the day and Joel comes back to join me in the kitchen.

I’ve finished washing one mug and move onto the second one.

“Didn’t have to wash those,” Joel says as he leans against the kitchen bench.

“You don’t wash your mugs?” I tease. “Now that I think about it, my coffee did taste somewhat pre-seasoned.”

“Caffeine turns you into a comedian huh?” Joel crosses his arms but there’s a smirk on his face. “Just meant that you’re a guest, you shouldn’t be doing the cleaning.”

“It’s two mugs, not the aftermath of a banquet,” I finish washing the mug and set it down on the dish rack to dry and wipe my hands against the tea towel hanging on the oven door. “So, do you think she really liked it?”

“Oh she's over the moon, for real.”

I smile at that. I’m glad to know that all my hard work paid off and that I managed to pull off the surprise. Getting to see Sarah this happy makes me genuinely forget about my own shit for a while and feel a small sense of purpose again.

When Sarah comes back downstairs again, I excuse myself and go upstairs to get myself showered and ready for the day. Sarah begs Joel for birthday pancakes for breakfast, which of course he’s already anticipated and prepared for, and she makes me promise I’ll be quick to get ready so that I can join them.

After I shower and get dressed, I make sure everything is back in my bag so that I’m not leaving any mess in Sarah’s room. I walk back downstairs with the gift bag in hand and see Joel’s already managed to cook a huge stack of pancakes.

I’ve never really been a breakfast person, but Sarah convinces me to have at least one. I’m glad that she does because they actually taste really good. Sarah tells me that’s because Joel cooks them from scratch, not from store bought pancake mix.

When breakfast is finished, Joel tries to protest when I start cleaning things up, but is interrupted by a knock at the front door.

“Leave ‘em for me to finish up,” Joel says as he starts walking towards the front door.

“Not a chance,” I say after him.

I hear the front door open and a familiar voice rings through the house.

“Where’s my favorite niece?”

I turn around to look towards the front door as Sarah runs by with a huge smile on her face.

“Uncle Tommy!”

“Oh my god, slow down teenager,” I hear their bodies slam together as Sarah has no doubt taken a running jump towards her uncle.

I keep cleaning the last few dishes as I hear Tommy tell Sarah he wanted to come by to give her a present and wish her happy birthday before her friends arrived. The sound of paper ripping fills the house as Sarah opens up her gift and gasps.

I’ve finished washing the last of the dishes and come out to join the Millers and see what’s got Sarah so surprised.

“Thank you thank you thank you oh my god thank you,” Sarah says as she wraps her uncle in a bear hug.

“More than welcome, sweetheart,” Tommy says as he holds her equally tight in return. “Happy birthday.”

“Jesus Tommy, how much did you spend?” Joel asks as he holds a box in his hands.

As I reach everyone at the front entryway, I see that Joel’s holding a MacBook box. I smile as I think no wonder Sarah’s so excited.

“None o’ ya business.”

“And you say I spoil her.”

“Yeah well, who else do I have to spend my money on but myself and beautiful women?”

“Ewww!” Sarah says, face scrunched up as she pulls away from her hug.”

“You know that’s not what I mean,” Tommy says, rolling his eyes.

Sarah sticks her tongue out playfully and takes the laptop from Joel’s hands.

“I’m gonna go plug it in and turn it on!”

“Enjoy your party sweetheart,” Tommy yells out after her.

“I will!” Sarah’s voice echo’s as she runs up the stairs.

Tommy turns his attention to me with his smile still plastered across his face.

“And hey there stranger.”

“Hey Tommy,” I smile and lean in to give him a hug that he returns enthusiastically.

Tommy’s a few years older than I am, and he was in the military when I’d babysat Sarah. He’d always be home with Joel and Sarah anytime he got a rare few days off, and calling whenever he could when he was away.

I’d always thought he was cute, but also quite the player; he never seemed to have the same girlfriend for too long. But what he seemed to lack in consistency with his romantic life, he never failed to show it in his relationship with Sarah. He was always showing up for her whenever he could, cheering her on equally as loud as Joel.

“Heard your dad mention you were coming to stay. How long you in town for?” Tommy asks.

“Not sure. Kind of in between things at the moment. Staying till I figure out what’s next.”

I don’t know if Tommy knows exactly why I’m back here in the first place. I don’t know if it’s better if he does, so that I don’t have to re-tell the story; or if it’s worse that he does, because then clearly the news of my failed relationship is spreading further than just from my dad.

“Well, if it’s takes you longer than a few days to figure out then let’s all go out for beers while you’re town - you too Joel, tell us when Sarah’s got a sleepover next.”

“And would it just be us three, or do you have other people you’re intending to invite?” Joel asks.

“Maybe one other person,” Tommy looks at Joel a little sheepishly.

I cock my eyebrow as I look between the two brothers, trying to distinguish their emotions.

“I’m not doing another goddamn blind date, Tommy.”

A snort escapes me and I turn my head so Joel can’t see my amusement.

“Calm down, she’s not for you. She’ll be accompanying me.”

“Oh,” Joel replies, a muscle twitching next to the side of his lip. “And what’s her name this week?”

I have to turn my head again and try to suppress a second snort, I fail.

“Shut up,” Tommy directs at me, but his smile betrays any mock reprimand.

I make a zipping motion at my lips.

“This is different. Her name’s Maria and we’ve been seeing each other for two months.”

“Well, good for you.” Joel says, sounding somewhat bewildered.

“Thank you. Now, ‘f you’ll excuse me, I got places to be.”

Tommy leaves after making me promise I’ll catch up with him over beers and meet Maria. I make the promise genuinely; I’ve always had a soft spot for Tommy. I’m also curious to meet the woman that’s managed to get Tommy taking a relationship seriously instead of just for fun.

Sarah comes back downstairs as Tommy’s car is pulling out of the driveway, talking about how her new MacBook needs to charge and do software updates so she can’t use it properly just yet. Joel takes the opportunity to collect his own gifts for Sarah and bring them into the loungeroom for her to open.

Sarah opens her presents from him; a Bluetooth speaker, two books, a pair of blue Converse high tops, and a gift certificate for a make up store in town. Sarah is excited with each gift she opens and envelops Joel in a huge hug afterwards as she thanks him. Joel beams with pride and for a second I think I catch his eyes watering.

“Ok my turn,” I say when they pull away from each other, and hand Sarah the gift bag with my presents inside.

Sarah digs into the gift bag and pulls out each of the books I bought, as well as the tote bag and bookmarks.

“Oh my god, is this every book on my wish list?” Sarah exclaims as she looks at each title.

“If the two your dad got you were also on your list, then yes.”

“You know you didn’t have to get me all of these right?”

“I know, but I’ve got even less people to spend my money on than your Uncle Tommy so I get to spoil you.”

Sarah smiles and pulls me into a hug. “Thank you, I can’t wait to read all of them.”

“Let me know if I got any of the titles wrong and we can exchange them for the right ones.”

“You got them right. Even Vampire Academy - did you know Dad got me Twilight for Christmas last year thinking they were all the same vampires?”

“Jesus...” Joel mutters under his breath.

“Oh I’ve heard the story. Your dad told me he’s team Edward last night.”

“I said no such thing.”

Sarah bursts into laughter and I give Joel a smirk. He rolls his eyes in response, but there’s a hint of a smile playing at his lips.

Sarah thanks us both again and takes her gifts upstairs to her room before coming back downstairs to finish setting up for her party. Joel works on getting all the food ready, while Sarah and I spend the morning getting the last of the water balloons filled and move the balloon wall outside. I set up the digital camera on a tripod and put the Polaroid camera and film on a table close by.

Everything is ready to go 15 minutes before Sarah’s friends are due to arrive so I call them both over to do a test run of the photo booth. They’re both patient as I shuffle through some of the settings on the camera to get it just right, and Joel plants a kiss on Sarah’s cheek as when I use the Polaroid camera to take a photo of them.

Joel pockets the Polaroid photo right as the doorbell rings with the first party guest and Sarah’s party begins.

---------------

I spend most of the party either sitting with my legs dangling in the pool, or taking photos of Sarah and her friends at the photo booth. The sound of music and teenage squeals fill the Miller’s backyard as the day goes on. Sarah’s brought out her new speaker and sometimes yells out to ask me to put on a specific song every now and then.

My phone buzzes in my pocket while Sarah and her friends take a break from the pool and photos to eat from the grill. Bri’s name flashes across the screen as a FaceTime call and I contemplate hitting “ignore” on the call. I decide to answer it so that I can use the party as an excuse to keep the call short. I step inside the house for some privacy as I answer the call.

“Hey Bri,” I say answering the call.

“Hey! I can’t believe you answered,” she responds.

I stand just inside next to the backdoor and sit down on one of the bar stools at the kitchen bench.

“Yeah, sorry, I’ve been meaning to reply to you I promise.”

“It’s ok, I knew you’d answer when you were ready. Just wanted to make sure you knew I was still here for you no matter what.”

“I can’t talk for too long. I’m at my neighbors kids’ birthday party - the one I used to babysit when I lived here before college.”

“Oh cute! I’m glad you’re getting out and around other people.”

“Yeah I built her a balloon wall for a photo booth for her party. Hang on, let me show you.”

I get off the bar stool, stand by the sliding glass door and flip my phone’s camera to show the balloon wall in the backyard. Joel unknowingly walks into the camera’s view and I quickly flip it back onto myself and sit back down at the kitchen bench.

“That looks so good! I bet her parents have been grateful for the help too.”

“It’s just her and her dad, but yeah hopefully I’ve been helpful.”

“Ooooh is that the hot guy I saw walk by just now?”

“Bri...” I give her a warning look.

“He looks like a DILF.”

“Bri!”

“He does! You know the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else right?”

I rub my hand down my face in exasperation and contemplate hanging up on her without another word. I hear the back door slide open and look over to see Joel walking inside with empty plates and trays.

“Bri, I’ve got to go. Got things to help with here. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Wait-”

I hang up the call and put my phone on Do Not Disturb mode so that I can ignore any follow up attempts on her end.

“Here, let me help with those,” I move towards Joel to take the plates from his hands but he shakes his head.

“I got ‘em,” he sets them down on the kitchen bench and separates the disposable plates from the non-disposable crockery, throwing the disposable ones into the trash.

“Everything ok?” he asks as he piles up the things that need to be washed into the sink.

“Yeah, just Bri calling again. Figured I’d answer and satiate her need for proof of life.”

The back door slides open again and Sarah sticks her head inside, calling my name.

“Can you come take some more photos please?”

“Absolutely!” I say as I hop down from the bar stool and head outside to join Sarah and her friends.

I take more photos for Sarah and her friends and notice that the table the Polaroid is sitting on is scattered with dozen of photos from throughout the party. Sarah tells me she’s going to go through them afterwards and keep the ones she likes and then distribute the rest amongst her friends.

Joel comes back outside to finish clearing up more of the empty trays and plates when Sarah calls him over and asks him to take photos of Sarah and I. He comes over and takes the Polaroid from me and takes a few photos while we both pose for him. Sarah pokes fun at me for putting up my fingers with the “peace sign” and jokes about me being old. She jokes even more about our age difference when she tells me to hold up a heart sign and I use all my fingers and thumbs to make a heart but she uses her middle and pointer finger. I try to copy her but can’t figure out how to get it to look right.

As the party wraps up, I help clean and tidy up the backyard for a bit before Joel tells me I’ve done more than enough. I collect my camera equipment and say goodbye to Sarah, promising her we’ll go over the digital photos later in the week so she can pick out the ones she wants to keep, and promising that I’ll take her to get some printed out as well.

Sarah gives me a hug goodbye and goes back to picking up all the tiny pieces of broken balloons from her water balloon fight earlier.

---------------

Joel finished cleaning up the dishes from the party and heads back outside to check on Sarah’s progress on cleaning up every piece of broken plastic from the backyard.

When he’s satisfied that she’s still focusing on her task, he goes to clean up whatever else is left outside, starting with the table filled with polaroid photos. He’s brought out a zip lock bag to store them in safely and starts picking them up a few at a time and putting them into the bag, smiling at the photos Sarah’s in - content to see her happy smile plastered throughout most of them.

A few have blown off the table onto the ground and he picks those ones up as well, gently brushing away any grass or dirt that have stuck to them. He picks up what he thinks is the last Polaroid and zips the bag shut, taking it inside to the dining room table for Sarah to collect later. He heads back outside to bring the table back in and see’s a photo he missed on the ground. He pauses when he picks it up and see’s that it’s one of you and Sarah.

You’ve got your fingers up in a peace sign and Sarah is laughing at you. He smiles down at the photo and puts it in his back pocket with the intention of putting it with the others when he heads back inside.

Joel dismantles the folding table and takes it back inside and through to the garage where it’s usually stored.

He doesn’t put the Polaroid in his pocket in the zip lock bag with the others.

Chapter Text

The next few days go by slowly now that I don’t have anything tangible to be working towards.

I spend most of the day binge watching TV shows and movies in bed, telling myself that I’ll find a way to be productive the next day; but it doesn’t happen.

I need a hobby.

My realtor calls on Wednesday to let me know the house has some interest and a potential buyer, but it’s still early days so she doesn’t want me to get my hopes up just yet in case it falls through.

Thursday evening I agree to watch a movie with my dad when he gets home from work. It’s some Western movie that I don’t remember the name of, but I know it means a lot to my dad that he see’s me doing more than just wallowing in my bedroom.

There’s a knock at the front door halfway through the movie and I welcome the excuse to get up and stop watching for a few minutes to see who it is.

I open the door to discover Joel standing there - covered in sawdust. It’s evident that he’s just returned home from work. I can’t help but admire the fact that he still looks good despite working a full day in the Texas heat.

“Hey Joel.”

“Hey, sorry for showing up unannounced.”

“That’s ok, wanna come in?”

Joel shakes his head.

“Can’t. Sarah’s waiting on me to start eating dinner, but I needed to come by and see if I can ask you a favor.”

“Of course, what’s up?”

“Is there any way you can come over and stay with Sarah tomorrow? I’ve got a meeting for a possible job out near Waco in the late afternoon and won’t be home till late. She was supposed to be with a friend that day and sleepover but they’ve come down with the flu. Don’t really wanna have to drag her out there with me if I can avoid it. I know it’s late notice and I’m happy to pay for your time...”

I hold a hand up.

“I’m gonna stop you right there. Absolutely I’ll come over and hang with Sarah tomorrow, but you’re not paying me.”

“I can’t ask you for your time for free.”

“You’re not asking, I’m offering. I already promised her I’d go over her party photos with her and take her to get some developed so this works perfectly. I’m looking forward to it.”

“Thank you. It really helps a lot.”

“Not a problem. What time do you need me over there?”

“I’ll be leaving for work early and Sarah will be alright for a bit on her own so whatever time suits you in the morning.”

“Ok, well I’ll come over once I’m awake and ready for the day. Probably around 8.”

“Thank you, I’ll let Sarah know.”

Joel calls out a “hello and goodbye” to my dad before heading back home again. I sit back down on the couch next to my dad to finish watching the movie, feeling hopeful again knowing that I’ve got something to look forward to the next morning.

-------

The next morning I head over to Joel and Sarah’s house with my laptop to go through photo’s with Sarah. We spend most of the morning going through the hundreds of photos she and her friends took and pick the best ones to order prints for.

After submitting an order online for prints, I take Sarah into town for a girls day while we wait for the order to be ready to collect at the store. Dad took a taxi in to work this morning so that I could use the truck for the day. Sarah brings her make up gift certificate she got from Joel for her birthday as well as a few other gift certificates she got from friends.

We start our shopping trip with an iced coffee for me and iced chocolate for Sarah and begin to make our way from store to store. I don’t have any intention of buying anything for myself and am more than happy to watch Sarah try on clothes and shoes and give me a mini fashion show in the change rooms, until she holds up a strapless maxi sun dress that’s a little too mature for her, but peaks my interest and she convinces me to try it on.

“Oh my god, you look gorgeous!” Sarah exclaims when I emerge from the change room.

I take a look in the mirror and admire the way that it cinches in at the waist a little to hug my curves in the right places. I give it a little twirl and like the way it feels as it flows around my legs. It also shows off the sun, moon and stars tattoo I have across the front of my right shoulder and collarbone.

“You have to buy that,” Sarah insists, and I agree with her immediately.

Trying on that one dress is enough to encourage me to try on a few more clothes and shoes as we go through different stores, and soon Sarah and I both have our hands full of bags with new shoes, clothes and make up.

We stop for lunch in the food court and I get a text message to let me know Sarah’s photo order is ready for pick up. We head back to the truck and put our bags inside and drive to the photo store to collect Sarah’s prints before heading back to her place.

We spend the afternoon decorating her bedroom wall with some of the new photos as well as some of the Polaroids as well. We end up the pool by mid afternoon to cool off and swim until our fingers and toes are pruned. I change into my new dress when we get out of the pool to help me keep cool as the heat is still intense in the evening this time of year.

It’s 7pm by the time Joel texts me to let me know he’s on his way back and should be home around 9pm. I order pizza for Sarah and I for dinner and make sure to order enough so that there’s some for Joel when he gets home, unsure if he’s had a chance to eat dinner or not.

Sarah and I are on the lounge watching reruns of The Office when Joel returns home after 9. Sarah immediately wants to show off her new purchases and runs upstairs to get her shopping bags.
Joel sits on the arm of the couch, looking evidently exhausted, but watches and listens patiently when Sarah returns and starts showing him every item one by one.

“I even picked out the dress she’s wearing,” Sarah says as she digs around in one of the bags for the next new clothing item she wants to show her dad. “Doesn’t she look gorgeous in it?”

“Yeah,” Joel says, looking at me before returning his attention back to Sarah.

I feel myself blush as I sneak a small look at him before returning my attention back to Sarah too. I’m not sure why his agreement has me feeling so flustered.

Sarah pulls out a pair of sandals and starts describing another pair she almost bought instead when I feel my phone buzz next to me. I pick it up and see Bri’s name flashing across the screen. I send the call to voicemail and put my phone back down again. I’ll call her back tomorrow.

My phone buzzes again, this time with a text message.

Call me ASAP

Bri’s been good at respecting my need for space so I know her texting me like this is definitely some kind of emergency. I excuse myself quietly and slip out into the backyard to call Bri back. She answers after the first ring.

“Hey,” she answers, seriousness laced in her voice.

“Hey, are you ok?”

“Yeah I’m ok. I’m so sorry to reach out like this but I didn’t want you to hear the news from anyone else.”

I feel a pit start to form in my stomach and I brace for whatever news Bri is about to break to me.

“What news?”

There’s a few moments of silence before Bri speaks.

“Harry’s going to be a dad.”

I walk a few steps over to one of the chairs on the back porch and sit down. I don’t know what I expected the news to be but it sure isn’t this.

“You still there?”

“Yeah, just processing.”

Bri stays silent and gives me some more time before I speak again.

“Well, that was fast. Good luck to them I guess.”

I don’t know if the woman he’s knocked up is the same woman I found him in bed with, or if it’s something completely different. I honestly don’t care to know and I’m not going to ask.

“Yeah, that’s the thing…”

“What is?”

“She’s 4 months along.”

“Four months?”

“And she’s not the one you caught him with.”

I’m at a complete loss for words. It’s been about a month since I caught him in bed with another woman and I’ve felt like a knife has been imbedded into my stomach ever since. Now, it feels like the knife is being twisted and pushed deeper.

“I’m so sorry,” Bri whispers.

“I have to go,” I say, knowing that I’m about to completely fall apart and I can’t do that here in the Miller’s backyard. I need to get back home and into my own room before I break.

“I’m so, so sorry,” Bri says again.

“It’s not your fault,” I choke out, then swallow and try to breathe deeply to regain my composure. “Thank you for being the one to tell me.”

“Are you going to be ok?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” I lie.

“Call me if you need me.”

I hang up and stare into the dark. A million questions all starting with “why” running through my mind.

Why did he want to marry me?

Why did he need more than one woman?

Why wasn’t I enough?

The last one haunts me the most.

I’m so wrapped up in my own thoughts that I don’t hear the sliding door open and jump when I feel someone gently touch my shoulder.

“Sorry,” Joel says. “Didn’t mean to startle you.”

I realise that tears have been running down my face and I desperately try to wipe them away before turning to look up at him.

“It’s ok,” I say, voice cracking so I clear my throat.

“You ok?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I say, but feel myself shaking my head in contradiction to my words. Joel doesn’t look convinced.

“Stay here,” he says.

Joel walks back inside and returns again less than a minute later with two opened beers. He hands one to me and then reaches into his back pocket pulling out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, offering one to me.

A noise escapes me that’s somewhere between a laugh and a sob as I accept both the beer and cigarette gratefully.

“Know ‘s not the most healthy coping mechanism but…”

“It’s exactly what I need right now,” I put the cigarette in my mouth, let Joel light it, take in a deep drag and then exhale. “Thank you.”

Joel lights his own cigarette and sits down on the chair next to me.

“Wanna talk about it?”

I exhale a cloud of smoke before responding.

“I doubt you want to hear it.”

“Wouldn’t ask if I didn’t care,” Joel says before taking a sip of his beer.

I haven’t spoken in depth about it all to anyone, and I know that’s not healthy. But truth be told, I haven’t had anyone that’s felt safe enough to talk to about it.

Bri has been understanding and supportive, but at the end of the day she’s Harry’s sister. She’ll always have a deep seated loyalty to him no matter what and I’d never ask or expect her to change that.

My dad has been supportive and understanding as well, but we’re still in the early stages of improving our own relationship.

All my other friends were Harry’s friends first and now no longer my friends.

I look over at Joel and consider him for a few moments. His offer feels sincere and I somehow feel a sense of safety sitting here with him.

“Did my dad tell you the details of why Harry and I broke up?”

“No, he just said it didn’t work out and you were coming home till you figured out your next move. But I think I can fill in some blanks.”

I take a few sips of beer and another drag of my cigarette before continuing.

“I walked in on Harry and another woman in our bed. There were things that happened before that should have clued me in to him being unfaithful. Hell, I even had a girl reach out to me and tell me straight up he’d cheated on me with her but he convinced me she was a liar. I was so fucking stupid.”

Joel doesn’t say anything. He listens, and I don’t feel any sense of judgement as he watches me. I flick some of the ashes off my cigarette and take another deep inhale, letting the smoke fill my lungs before exhaling.

“That was Bri on the phone just before. Harry got a woman pregnant.”

“Jesus…” Joel says, shaking his head as he extinguishes the last of his cigarette in an ashtray next to his chair and then picks it up and hands it to me so I can do the same.

“That’s not even the worst part.”

Joel narrows his eyes and waits for me to continue.

“It’s not even the woman I caught him with that he’s knocked up.”

“Fucking asshole,” Joel mutters.

“Still not the worst part. She’s four months along.”

Joel looks at me with a somber look on his face.

“I don’t think there was ever a time when he and I were together when he wasn’t fucking someone else on the side.”

I close my eyes and dig my palms into my eyelids, trying to release the pressure I feel building behind my eyes. Joel stays quiet and I start to worry that I’ve overshared.

“I should get going. You don’t need to hear me whine anymore about how pathetic I am.”

I start to stand from the chair but Joel rests a hand on my arm stopping me.

“You’re not pathetic,” he says, his hand not leaving my arm.

I don’t look at him as I try to quell the tears that are threatening to spill over again.

“Hey,” he says softly. “Look at me.”

I hesitate for a moment but then turn my head to look at him.

“You’re not pathetic,” he repeats.

“Agree to disagree,” I whisper, scared that I’ll start sobbing again if I speak normally.

“No,” Joel shakes his head. “I’m not wrong about this. You’re full of kindness, compassion, and generosity. You see the best in people and what the best for people. That asshole is the pathetic one for having all of that from you and throwing it away.”

“He’s not the one that was left with nothing though - figuratively I mean, not literally. At least I got to keep the house so I can sell it. But otherwise I’m the empty one.”

“I guarantee you he’s more empty than you think.”

“I don’t know, seems to me like he’s been living his life to the fullest.”

“Nah, people who are full don’t do any of that to another person.”

“You talking from experience?”

I regret the words as soon as they leave my lips. Just because Joel’s giving me space to air out my feelings and circumstances doesn’t give me the right to push for information on his.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to pry.”

“I’m talking from experience,” Joel replies, seemingly undeterred. “I don’t talk about it much. Wanna shield Sarah from it as much as I can. Her feelings about her mom are complicated enough without her having to worry about how things ended between her and me.”

I sit back in my chair and listen quietly, giving Joel the same space to open up that he gave me.

“Sarah’s mom and I were pretty young when she got pregnant. We were barely out of high school, but in love as much as two nineteen year olds can be so we both wanted to make it work. But we weren’t right for each other.

Her parents were hard on her growing up. They had a lot of expectations for her but she didn’t really know who she was for herself. I don’t doubt that she loved Sarah, but motherhood made her miserable. Her friends were all out in college and partying and living almost responsibility free lives while she was home with a baby.

I’d started working for my dad in construction and was working as much as possible to support us all. When Sarah was about 6 months old she was invited out to a party for a friend’s birthday and I encouraged to go and have fun. I could see she was miserable and I wanted her to be happy, so she started going out more and more afterwards.

It was just once every couple of weeks to start with, and then became every other night that she’d go out with her friends to their college parties. I’d come home from work and she’d leave with little warning to go out partying. She’d spend most weekends being out with friends leaving on a Friday night and coming home Sunday night or sometimes Monday mornings. We started feeling less like a family and more like two strangers swapping shifts for parenting duty. But again, I wanted to make it work and I wanted her to be happy and this, she told me, is what was making her happy.”

Joel takes out another cigarette and offers me another too. I take it and let him light it for me again. He takes his time as he draws in a deep inhale and lets the smoke escape his mouth slowly before continuing.

“Sarah was about 18 months old when she came home one Sunday after a weekend out and announced she was leaving. She’d met some guy on exchange from another country and he’d invited her home with him. She told me there was more out there for her than here in Texas. Haven’t see her since.”

I feel my heart sink to my stomach as I picture Joel and a tiny Sarah abandoned by her. I can’t imagine anyone leaving Sarah the way her mom left her.

“I’m so sorry, Joel.”

“Her parents are good people and they’ve stayed in Sarah’s life. They were incredibly disappointed that she left her like that. I heard she lasted with the guy for about 3 months before coming back to the States. She sent Sarah birthday cards for the first few years but there haven’t been any for a long time now. She’s been married and divorced 3 times.”

“Jesus…”

“I don’t hold any resentment anymore. Took me a while to realise it, but she was empty back then. From the sounds of things, she's still empty now. And I felt almost empty when she left. Sarah was all I had. But slowly I started to fill myself up with other things.

Never intended to work for my dad growing up, but turns out I'm good at working with my hands and I enjoy it. Slowly built things up so I could start my own company, and even built this house. Couldn’t have done it all without Tommy - he’s a pain in my ass but he stepped up to help me in ways that means more to me that he’ll ever know. Don’t tell him that though, his ego will never come back down.”

I laugh softly.

“Point of me telling you all of this is that hopefully you see that given some time, you’ll find a way to fill yourself up too. You’ll find something that matters to you that you can build for yourself. You give a lot to other people, but now you should give to yourself.”

I feel my eyes start to water at his words and I do my best to blink them back. I don’t know if I fully believe that I’ll be able to feel whole again, but it means a lot to me that he believes that I can.

Before either of us say anything further, the sliding door opens and Sarah walks out.

“There you guys are,” she says as she slides the door closed again. “Oh gross, not you too.” Sarah says when she sees I’ve got a lit cigarette in my hand.

Joel and I extinguish them in the ashtray as she walks over to us.

“Despite what it may look like, I am trying to quit.” I say to her sheepishly.

“You gotta try harder,” she replies wrinkling her nose. “Anyway, I’m gonna head off to bed so I just came out to say goodnight and goodbye.”

I stand up and give Sarah a hug. She breaks away from it pretty quickly and fakes a gagging motion at the smell. I laugh in response.

“Ugh, you stink so bad.”

“Sarah…” Joe says in warning as he brings her in for his own hug. Sarah breaks away from it just as quickly.

“Oh I’m sorry are you feeling left out? ‘Cause you smell equally as gross.”

I laugh again at the same time Joel huffs out his own small laugh at her jab.

“Alright, go on now. I’ll see you in the morning, baby girl.”

“’Night dad,” Sarah says before turning back to me. “Thanks for today. I had the best time.”

“Me too. Let’s do it again soon, ok? G’night.”

“Night.”

Sarah heads back inside and slides the door closed behind her.

“I should get going,” I say, turning to face Joel.

“You gonna be alright?”

“Yeah, I think so,” answering honestly. The initial shock and self pity has surprisingly subsided since I ended the call with Bri. I still don’t feel great, but I don’t feel as burdened as I would have expected.

“Thank you for letting me get it out of my system before I spiralled.”

“Anytime.”

I head back inside, gather my things and say goodbye to Joel before walking across the street to go home. Before I step inside the front door, I glance back at the Miller’s house to see Joel is still standing by the open doorway. I give him a small wave that he returns, and I step inside ready to call it a night.

Joel’s words from earlier plays through my mind as I get myself ready for bed.

You’ll find something that matters to you that you can build for yourself. You give a lot to other people, but now you should give to yourself.

For the first time in a month I fall asleep with confidence that tomorrow the opportunity for a fresh new start.

Chapter Text

The next week was a flurry of productivity and fresh changes.

Inspired by my shopping date with Sarah, I went out again on Saturday to buy my self a new wardrobe and then used Sunday to go through my old clothes and make a donation pile of all the things I never wanted to look at again. The dress I bought for our anniversary dinner a few months prior; the heels I wore to Harry’s birthday barbecue; the shirt Harry bought me from a local band’s gig he swore was going to make it huge one day. I had very few basics left when I was finished that didn’t give me a visceral reaction just from the sight of it.

On Monday I took all the discarded clothes to the closest Goodwill, mentally wishing them well to whoever ended up giving them a new home.

On Tuesday I treated myself to getting my hair and nails done. Nothing too drastic for either, but enough to make me feel refreshed.

My dad took the morning off work on Wednesday and took me to a dealership to buy a second hand Jeep so that I finally had my own mode of transportation. I didn’t have my own car when I lived in Salem with Harry as he worked within walking distance of our house and I took our shared car to work each day. But the car was in his name, so it stayed behind when I left.

On Thursday I got a call from my realtor letting me know an offer had been made on the house and she emailed me through the details to review. The offer was a bit less than the asking price, but I didn’t know how much longer I might have to wait around to potentially get a higher offer. I sent back my acceptance of their offer and my realtor got to work on drawing up the paperwork and would have it sent through within a few days.

I decided to celebrate the sale of the house with a new tattoo, and found a place that took walk-in’s on Friday. A couple of hours later I walked out with the words you’re on your own, kid tattooed in small print on my right arm just below the elbow crease. A true representation of the terror and also excitement of the possibilities ahead of me.

On Saturday I decided to crack open the book I’d bought when buying Sarah’s presents. The world building took a little while for me to push through, but after a short while I was hooked.

Mid afternoon I was reading trying to figure out the motives of the mysterious MMC when my dad knocked on my bedroom door and brought me back to reality.

“Come in.”

“Hey kiddo, didn’t mean to bug you,” he says while standing in the doorway.

“That’s ok, what’s up?” I reach for my bookmark and slide it between the pages before closing and giving dad my full attention.

“Joel just stopped by, invited us for a barbecue dinner at their house tomorrow night. Says it was Sarah’s suggestion. Think she’s real excited having you close again.”

I smile at the thought and can’t help that I too really enjoy having them close again. Well, Sarah close again. Obviously.

“Oh that’s so sweet, I’m in.”

“Great! I’ll let him know. He said Tommy might be there too.”

“And his new girl?”

“New girl?”

I tell my dad about Tommy’s visit the morning of Sarah’s birthday and how he’s seeing someone and it’s serious this time.

“Maria huh? Well, let’s hope she knows what she’s getting herself into,” my dad says with a chuckle and I laugh along with him.

“Joel didn’t say anything about anyone else, but guess we’ll wait and see. Imagine it; Tommy Miller settling down,” dad shakes his head with a smile. “Who would have thought it?”

“She’s gotta be one hell of a special woman to get Tommy being serious,” I respond and my dad nods in agreement.

“Hopefully Joel gets his turn one of these days too.”

I smile in an attempt at an agreeable response but feel like it’s forced and weak. For some reason, I feel odd at the idea of Joel with another woman. It’s not that I don’t want him happy. If anything, it’d make my heart swell with pride to know he’d found real, true love after hearing about what happened in his relationship with Sarah’s mom. Even so, the mere picture of him standing next to another woman just made me feel uneasy. I didn’t want to think too hard about the reason as to why, and accepted the first reason that came to the front of my mind; that I’d just be nervous for him that the same thing could happen again to him. What other reason was there?

My dad leaves my bedroom and I open my book back up to dive back in. I can’t seem to keep my mind focused on the story, my attention constantly zoning out. I close the book after 20 minutes of trying to get back into focus and put it on my bedside table for another day.

My dad and I head over to the Miller’s house mid-afternoon on Sunday. Sarah had texted me earlier in the day to bring my swimsuit so we could spend the afternoon hanging out in the pool before dinner.

It took me longer than I cared to admit on deciding which swimsuit to wear. At Sarah’s pool party I’d worn my simple black one piece and wrapped a sarong around my waist to keep things modest. I didn’t need any of Sarah’s friend’s parents questioning why Joel had a random woman was at a teenagers pool party in a skimpy bikini.

But when it was just me and Sarah last week I wore a simple blue bikini; one that showed far less cheek than the others I had in my collection. It did, however, show off plenty of my large sternum tattoo. I actually hadn’t even given much thought that morning to which one I grabbed because it was just going to be Sarah and me. I’m fairly sure it was just the one on top of the pile.

I couldn’t figure out why I was second guessing myself as I looked at my swimsuit pile I’d put on the bed. There were none of Sarah’s friend’s parents that would be seeing me, so I didn’t have to wear the one piece. But also, it’s more than just my dad that’ll be there so would it be weird if I did wear a bikini?

I end up opting for a bikini paired with a sarong. I threw an extra tank top in my tote bag too in case things felt weird and like I need to cover up more. I’ll also need to keep my arm out of the water too while my tattoo heals, so I doubt I’ll even be spending a lot of time in the pool anyway.

I start off in the shallow end of the pool with Sarah as she lounges on an inflatable bed and I nurse a beer in the same hand as my tattoo arm. My dad and Joel sit in the back porch with their own beer while they talk; Tommy arrives solo about an hour later and joins them.

I get out of the pool and lay down on a pool chair to dry off not long before Joel decides to fire up the grill. My dad goes inside to collect the food supplies while Joel and Tommy chat while getting the grill lit.

When my dad comes out with the trays of meat to grill, Tommy comes down to join me by the pool and offers me another beer.

“That looks new,” Tommy says with his head nodding towards my tattoo as I accept the beer.

“Two days old,” I say before taking a small sip of beer. “Two more days and she’ll be older than your usual average dating period.”

“Hey!” Tommy shoots back, but with a grin accompanying his furrowed brow. “Least I’m in a relationship right now.”

“Touché,” I say as I point to him and chuckle.

Out of everyone I know, Tommy would be the least likely to coddle me through a tough time. His own dark sense of humor was a welcome change from feelings of pity.

“You should have brought her tonight,” I say earnestly.

I truly do want to meet the woman that’s got Tommy Miller being a serious boyfriend. Now that I really look at him, I can see he’s got some kind of glow that’s clearly the result of his happy relationship status.

“Would have, but she’s in DC for work for a few weeks.”

“DC? What’s she do for work?”

“Lawyer, real fancy one too.”

“Bullshit, how did you score someone like her?”

Tommy laughs as he shakes his head.

“I honestly don’t know. But she’s amazing, and I’ll be damned if I don’t try my hardest to make it work.”

“Oh my god, you’re smitten.”

“Proudly.”

I tip my beer bottle and clink Tommy’s.

“Good for you; I mean it.”

Tommy gives a small smile and takes a sip of his beer. I’ve truly never seen him this happy and it makes me happy in return.

“Still up for drinks when she’s back?” Tommy asks.

“Yeah, absolutely.”

“Good, I’ll see when works for her when she’s back.”

Tommy and I spend until dinner chatting more and catching up. He tells me more about Maria and how the met when he was contracted to renovate part of her office at work; I tell him about my job counselling at the school and the cliff notes version of what happened between Harry and I.

I wrap the sarong around my waist when it’s time for us to head up to dinner, still not completely dry but it’s too warm out to be wrapped in a towel.

My dad leaves midway through dinner as he has a migraine come on. I’m fairly sure the reason I get them is from his genetics. He farewells everyone and goes home to sleep it off.

After dinner, Sarah takes Tommy upstairs to show him how she’s set her new laptop up as well as all the gifts from her party. I help Joel clean up from dinner, despite his insistence I don’t need to help as I’m a guest. I ignore him and help him clean up anyway.

Joel starts washing dishes and I pick up the dish towel and start drying them. It’s not long before Joel notices my new tattoo and comments on it.

“Looks good,” he says, pointing at it after putting a plate on the drying rack.

“Thanks, it felt fitting for where I’m at right now.”

“In a good way or a bad way?”

“Both; which is half of the beauty of it.”

Joel nods and continues to wash more plates as I continue to dry.

“Noticed you’ve got a few. Tattoos I mean.”

“Yeah, a fair few actually.”

“You keep count of how many?”

“Yeah, this new one, my sternum piece, my shoulder piece, moms birth flower behind my ear, the potion bottle on my ankle,” I’d put the tea towel down to list them off while holding up a finger for each tattoo I list. “And my… well… let’s say one on my lower hip. Takes a few more drinks than the two beers I’ve had tonight to get that out for show and tell.”

Joel drops the plate he’s washing into the sink and water splashes out of the sink onto his shirt.

“Goddamn it…” Joel mutters.

“You alright?”

“Yeah, plate slipped.”

Did I imagine it or did I just make Joel flustered? A faint smile forms at the edge of my mouth as I turn to put another plate away in the cabinet.

Joe clears his throat and then changes the subject.

“Your dad mentioned you’ve found a buyer for the house.”

“Yeah, it’s looking that way. Now I’ve just got to figure out what my next move will be.”

Joel nods his head as he places a newly washed glass on the drying rack.

“Got any ideas yet?”

“None. But I’m not too stressed about it. I’ve got enough savings to keep me going for a while so I figure I’ll take my time to be sure the next step is the right one.”

Joel finishes cleaning the last few pieces of silverware before draining the water from the sink. I hold out the dish towel for him to dry his hands and go back to drying the last few pieces of silverware. Joel leans against the back of the sink and watches me while I finish up.

“Well, for what it’s worth, it’s been nice having you close by again. I know it means a lot to Sarah.”

I put the last dry fork into the cutlery drawer and hang the dish towel back in its place.

“Thanks. I’ve actually surprised myself about how much I’m finding that I’m enjoying being back here. It’s been nice being close again too, to both of you.”

We both stand in the kitchen for a few moments in silence before the sounds of Tommy coming down the stairs fills the house.

“Alright, I’m heading off,” he announces as he rounds the corner into the kitchen. He leans to hug me and slaps Joe on the shoulder before leaving.

I’m about to say that it’s probably time I left too when Sarah bounds down the staircase and begs me to stay longer and watch a movie with her and Joel.

I get myself settled in the armchair next to the couch while Sarah sets up the movie - the original Ghostbusters - so that she and Joel can share the couch, but she waves me over to sit on the other side of her.

“You better not fall asleep during this you old man,” Sarah teases.

“Hey, who fell asleep 10 minutes into Curtis and Viper last time we watched something together?” Joel retorts.

“That’s because you chose the movie and it was boring.“

The movie begins and Sarah leans against Joel and rests her head on his shoulder, and reaches for my hand to hold while she watches the movie. It’s such a small, simple show of affection, but my heart feels like it grows three sizes.

Sarah falls asleep just over the halfway point and Joel and I share a quiet laugh when she snores.

“I got half a mind to draw on her face in Sharpie,” Joel mutters.

“I got a better idea,” I say as I reach for Sarah’s phone.

I pull up the camera and flip it to selfie mode and hold my arm out to get all three of us in frame.

“Pull a face,” I instruct as I stick my tongue out and watch as Joel puts on a mock serious face and points to Sarah sleeping.

I inspect the photo and laugh before showing it to Joel, who chuckles as well. I make the photo her lock screen and carefully place the phone back where it was on the coffee table in front of us.

“She’s gonna think we’re pretty embarrassing for that,” Joel says.

“Then I say job well done.”

Joel huffs a laugh and we both bring our attention back to the movie.

“I definitely saw this movie too young as a kid,” I say as the giant marshmallow monster comes into the screen. “That thing scared me so bad and I couldn’t eat marshmallows for years because of him.”

“The green ghost used to give Tommy nightmares,” Joel says. “He even wet the bed the night after he watched it for the first time. He hadn’t we the bed in years until then.”

“Were you too tough to be scared?” I tease.

“Not for the second one. The guy that gets possessed in the second one scared the shit out of me. Didn’t wet the bed like Tommy though.”

“He’s going to hate that you’ve told me this.”

“Gotta keep him humble.”

When the movie finishes, Joel gently taps Sarah awake and tells her to go head up to bed. She yawns, stretches and then gives me a drowsy side hug before standing up and grabbing her phone.

She taps the screen to, I assume, check the time and groans when she sees her new lock screen.

“You guys are assholes.”

Joel and I laugh in unison before he says, “shouldn’t have run your mouth before you fell asleep then.”

She rolls her eyes and utters a disgruntled “night” and walks out of the lounge room and up the stairs to her bedroom.

“I should head off too,” I say as I stand up off the couch.

I collect my belongings and make my way to the front door. Joel follows me to the door and holds it open while I thank him for having us all over for dinner and letting me stay longer to watch the movie with them.

When I get to my front door I turn to see Joel is still watching from his own entryway again. I give him another wave and head inside to get myself ready for bed.

-------

Joel had a feeling he was fucked.

He’d become pretty good at reasoning that he was happy to have you around because of how happy it made Sarah. He knew that was partly true but he also enjoyed having you around because it was making him happy too.

He could also no longer ignore the fact that he was wildly attracted to you as well. He’d realized that when you were in that new goddamn dress you bought with Sarah, the one that hugged your waist to show off your curves and that didn’t have sleeves and showed off your shoulders and décolletage. When Sarah had asked him if he thought you looked gorgeous, he’d meant it when he replied that you did.

Even earlier than that, the sight of you in his t-shirt had stirred something in him. He hadn’t seen that shirt since that day and he secretly hoped you still had it and wore it.

Then earlier today you’d been in his pool wearing next to nothing with that bikini and he hadn’t even noticed he’d been staring until Tommy called him out.

You’d bee getting out of the pool and arranging yourself on the pool chair to dry off while he was working on getting the grill going when Tommy approached him.

“She’s not a teenager anymore is she,” Tommy said, breaking his attention from staring at you.

“Thought you were happily in a serious relationship now,” Joel replied, adding a few more coals to the grill.

“I’m not thinking about her for me,” Tommy says as he glances towards the back door to ensure your dad’s not back outside yet. “You know, now that she’s older it’s not a questionable age gap anymore.”

“Can you quit it?”

Tommy backs away with his hands up in surrender.

“I’m not the one ogling her like a lovesick puppy.”

Joel scowled at his brother as he watched him walk over and sit down on the pool chair next to you. Tommy turned his head towards his brother as he sat down and winked. Joel rolled his eyes.

Tommy’s words stuck with him though, and he had to acknowledge that he had been staring. He wouldn’t do anything about his attraction though. You were still heartbroken and healing and he wasn’t about to take advantage of that vulnerability.

He’d had to keep reminding himself over and over again of your fragile state when you’d told him you had a tattoo on your lower hip. He’d lost all function in his hands when the mental image of what could be below your bikini bottoms entered his mind and dropped that plate in the sink.

It was more than your appearance that made Joel attracted to you though. It had developed from talking with you late night while you both filled water balloons, from your humor, from your effort and attention with Sarah and how you were still finding ways to build other people up despite what had happened to you.

Joel had dated other women since Sarah’s mom, but none of them lasted long enough to introduce them to Sarah. He hadn’t found someone that he could feel carefree and comfortable around - but he felt that with you.

He also knew, however, that you weren’t in a position to reciprocate his feelings. You’d been hurt so badly and while he desperately wanted to do everything he could to make you feel happy and worthy again, he knew it was selfish of him.

He’d let himself indulge in that selfishness a little bit though. It hadn’t been Sarah who had suggested to him that you and your dad join him, Sarah and Tommy for dinner. He’d just wanted an excuse to see you again after a long week of catching quick glimpses of you through his window.

And here he was again, looking for more of you as he stood at the doorway of his house watching you cross the road and enter your own home.

He lingered in the doorway for a few moments more after you were inside before he finally closed his own door.

Yeah, he was probably fucked.