Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“What's wrong?”

Even after ten years, a hivemind takeover and a scrupulous amount of trauma that translated into amnesia, Hermann still considered himself a Newton specialist - as in, he knew exactly when he wasn’t acting right.

“Huh? Just a headache.” 

“Newt.”

“Yes?”

“Will you tell me if something’s wrong?”

Ten years ago Hermann wouldn’t be caught begging to anyone, much less to Newton. Now? Every other sentence sounded like a supplication to his ears.

In return, Newton would pretend like he was Newton from ten years ago. 

“Yeah, dude. It's just a headache, Herms. I'm fine.”

“I can reschedule.”

“I don't want you to reschedule. Just go. Can you just go already? My head is fucking killing me today, I just wanna lay down.” 

Hermann didn’t tell him but they had been over this conversation for the third time in the last thirty minutes. It was Hermann’s latest experiment on how to approach Newton’s newer needs: if he forgets and tells you the same thing over and over that’s because it’s true.

It sounded right to his scientific mind. It also sounded like a hell of a lie to his Newt-sensitive ears.

“My number is on the fridge.”

“Ok, Mom,” he bantered.

It didn’t have much bite to it. Newton was like that now, sort of like a shadow of old Newt, a faded copy. Hermann wondered if he’d ever return for real.

“What are you waiting for?”

“For Mr. Gómez to arrive. Remember?”

“I don’t remember shit, man. Sometimes it’s like I’m not the only one with amnesia in this house.”

If there was one thing Hermann could relate to, it was grumpiness prompted by pain. He didn't need a drift to grasp Newt's sullenness at that moment.

“Mr. Gómez from downstairs, he’s coming over to watch you. You like him.”

“I know who Ramón is, Hermann.”

“Good.”

“I just didn’t know he’d become my babysitter.”

“Newton.”

Hermann had already turned off the main light in the room and left only the floor lamps on, but even so, he could see Newton squinting, uncomfortable with the brightness. 

“It’s fine, it’s fine. You know what? It’s whatever.”

In general, Newton didn't seem too irritated by his lack of memory, but perhaps the headache was bringing other feelings to the surface; Hermann wasn't surprised, then, when Newt got up and started heading for his room, even before his “nanny” arrived. 

“Newton,” he called, trying not to scream but speaking loud enough so that he could hear him. “If you want me to stay —”

“Dude! How many times have I told you to go? This is getting annoying.”

Before Hermann could try to think of something else to say they heard a soft knock on the front door.

Since he’d left the door ajar, Hermann noticed Mr. Gómez poking his head through the doorway just as Newton slipped into the bedroom, causing the bedroom door to crash a little harder than necessary.

“Hermann?” Mr. Gómez called out.

“Mr. Gómez! Please, come in.”

Mr. Gómez must have been about 10 or 15 years older than them. Hermann was never one to make friends easily, but Mr. Gómez seemed like the kind of person who rarely failed to befriend anyone. 

“Sorry, my wife was on the phone and —”

“Don’t worry about it Mr. Gómez. You’re doing us a big favor.”

“Oh, it’s nothing really.”

Mr. Gómez treated them as if they were old friends. A few years ago, Hermann would have found this a little inconvenient. Perhaps disingenuous? His upbringing had made him somewhat suspicious of any kind of relationship. Nowadays, he is grateful every day to have Mr. Gómez as a neighbor. Without him, it would be terribly difficult to do simple things like go to the market or the pharmacy. 

Newton still wouldn't leave the house, except for doctor's appointments and mandatory meetings with the PPDC so Newton’s previous assessment of Mr. Gómez serving as his babysitter was really not that far off.  

“Newton is in the bedroom sulking. Actually, I’m being mean — he’s got a headache. Migraine, really. I don’t know if he’s going to be a great company tonight.”

“Is he ok?” He asked with genuine worry.

"He gets awful migraines from his brain injuries. It normally goes away after about an hour, but light and noise aggravate it, so he'll probably remain in his bedroom. And, as I told you, I won't be long, so—"

“And I told you I have the evening free so you take your time. You need to relax too, Hermann.”

“I know, I know. Newton himself has told me to go several times, but I confess that I don't really like the idea of leaving him like that, in pain.” 

“You’ve made plans and Newt is going to be fine. You said he’s had these migraines before?” 

“Yeah, and if he’s not fine my phone –”

“It’s on the fridge. I also happen to have it on my phone. Don’t worry, if anything happens I’ll call you.”

“Right. Right. Well, I’m off then. Just humn—”

Hermann was ready to leave, but he thought he would take one last look in Newton's room to check one last time before giving up.

The last time Newton's therapist had asked to talk to him at the end of the session, the topic of “independence” had come up. Not that a person with memory problems, brain damage, and international security restrictions could have much independence, but still. Still, it was important to ensure what remains of his dignity—of his humanity. Wasn't that what Hermann was fighting for every month at the PPDC until they released Newton? To ensure that Newton is seen as a human being worthy of respect and rights? 

It wouldn't be fair now to start treating him like a being without any autonomy. If he wants to sulk in his room all night, fine. If he doesn't want to see Hermann's face today, fine. Who is Hermann to say he doesn't have enough reasons for that?

“I’ll see you later, Mr. Gómez.”

He left without knocking on Newton’s door. What could possibly go wrong in the few hours he spent away from home on a Saturday night?

Chapter Text

It was perhaps difficult for most people to understand, but Hermann's ex-wife was still one of his best friends.

When Vanessa called last week saying she would be in town and that they absolutely had to go out for dinner at least one night, Hermann thought about making up an excuse. Then, when both she and Newton (despite his faulty memory) quickly guessed his plan, the two of them made sure he had no way out. After a few days, the idea of going out at night with Vanessa, possibly having a glass of wine, eating at a nice restaurant, and talking to a friend who hadn't spent the last ten years under the command of beings from another planet became increasingly appealing. How long had it been since Hermann had had a moment like this?

Unfortunately for Hermann, Vanessa wasn't in the mood for a relaxed evening.

“Remember when your father used to bust in unannounced at our house with one or two of your siblings in tow at the most inconvenient time of the day? What the fuck was that about?”

“Why would you bring that up, Vanessa?”

“I’m just saying! I’m surprised your father hasn’t broken down your apartment door by now.”

“He doesn't know where we live. Nobody knows.”

“Nobody? What about the Marshall, and all the high ups that allowed him into your care? The psychiatrist? The neurologist? What about the physiotherapist? The guy you asked to babysit him tonight? Me? Am I nobody now?”

“Nobody who’s going to tell my father our location. Also, the man is old. His days of making my life miserable are over.”

“You can’t hide forever, my darling.”

“Not planning to.”

“Don’t believe you. You love to hide. We used to hide from your family all the time.”

“Well,” He started without any intention of finishing the sentence. Vanessa knew him too well. So maybe he was hiding a little. Who could blame him?

“Speaking about fathers. I don't want to sound mean—”

“But you’re going to.”

“Probably. It's kind of inevitable, I've been around you way too long. So, didn’ t Newton have a super involved dad?”

“Vanessa.”

“What? Darling, look. I know you love him. I know that. It’s a noble thing what you’re doing. Especially after 10 years of —”

“He wasn’t himself for ten years.”

“I know that. It doesn't erase what you felt for ten years, though. Does it? And again, I’m not saying you should abandon him now. I’m talking about getting some help, darling. To give yourself some breathing time.”

“I’m breathing alright.”

Hermann knew how to be stubborn, but Vanessa knew how to handle him.

“You look exhausted.”

“Thank you.”

“Is it that bad having someone else who loves Newton, helping out too?”

“Nobody… nobody knows what’s like, Vanessa. We have problems with the doctors even, they don’t know what they're doing. They don’t know how to help Newton. I barely know and I've drifted with a kaiju. But not for ten years, not for —”

“I just, it’s a lot for one person.”

“Newton isn’t comfortable around other people.”

“His father is not ‘other people’.”

He knew he sounded defensive, but it wasn't as if he was trying to keep Newton hidden or cut off from his family. It was so much more complicated than that.

“Newton gets too nervous around him.Too…anxious? Way more forgetful too. Also, his uncle, who lives with his father, suffered a stroke recently. Newton's father has been taking care of his brother full time since then.”

“You could have led with that.”

“I’m not trying to be a martyr. I’m really not. I just want Newton to have the best recovery possible. There’s so little we know.”

“What about you, darling?”

“What about me?”

“Who’s taking care of you?”

Before Hermann could answer the loaded question, his cell phone (which he had left on the loudest possible setting, right on the table with the screen facing him) began to ring, alerting the entire restaurant. Hermann didn't even let the first ring finish, however. The name “Mr. Goméz” on the screen made his heart stop beating for a few seconds. 

“Mr. Gómez?” He picked up with trepidation.

“Hello, Hermann. Sorry to bother you but —”

“What happened to Newton?”

“I don't think he's doing so hot. He’s asked not to call you but—”

“I'm coming back! I'm on my way! I'll be there in 15. Possibly 10!”

He emptied his wallet, leaving several bills on the table, and took Vanessa's hand, guiding her out of the restaurant. If he had had time to pay attention, he would have seen how shocked Vanessa looked, but all he could think about at that moment was that he had to get to Newton. That Newton needed Hermann more than anyone else. And that in any circumstances he would let him down again. 

______________________

“Newton?”

The front door was open when they arrived back home (in record time, 9 minutes and 38 seconds, thanks to the absolute reckless driving by Vanessa) and Hermann could hear Newton yelling from the corridor.

Mr. Gómez came into the living room from Newton’s room looking disheveled.

“I don't think he knows who I am anymore. He's scared, I think.”

Hermann took a deep breath and walked to Newton's room, where the sound of things being thrown around mixed with crying.

“Newt, it's me. It’s Hermann.”

He hated talking as if he were talking to a wild animal, but he had no other choice. Newton, for his part, looked at him and clearly recognized him immediately.

He was still desperate, though.

And naked.

“They've got me, Herms! They’re in my head.” He said as he clutched his head.

“Is your head hurting still, Newton?”

Newton didn't seem to be listening to him. Tears streamed freely down his face, and although he had stopped screaming and throwing things around the room, Hermann's presence didn't seem to have helped his memory. 

“I'm so sorry, Hermann. I tried, I really did.”

“I know you did,” he said, carefully approaching but still not touching him. Touch was not always the best thing with Newton.  

“Where are your clothes, Newt?”

“They - they,” he kept staring at Hermann as he approached him, tears still falling freely. 

Hermann could see that confusion was turning into fear. This was nothing new. Although it did not happen often with such intensity, Newton’s mind frequently returned to the period when he was possessed by the hivemind. Newton had once told him that his greatest fear was hurting Hermann again. 

“I think he threw up?” They both jumped at the voice. Mr. Gómez had come back and stood a bit behind them looking guilty. The poor guy had no clue what he had got himself into. “I heard some noises. When I came in he was taking off his clothing. I tried to –”

He was interrupted by Newton’s loud moaning. He clutched his head again, closing his eyes.

“Hey, can you look at me? Can you focus? I need you to tell me where it hurts, Newt.”

“They hate you, Hermann.” He whispered.

“Newton, please.”

Before he could try again to get Newton attention, Vanessa also came in behind Mr. Gómez.

“Oh! we’re not doing pants here.”

Newton didn’t even acknowledge her. He took his hands from his head and grabbed Hermann’s hand with all of his strength and stared at him.

“They want you dead. They’re going to make me kill you.”

He tried to return the stare, trying to make him see through his delusion. “No, they won't. I won’t let them. Can you put on some pants?”

“Hermann, I’m really sorry.” 

His hands went back to his head, another loud moan.

“Newt, is it your head? What else hurts?”

“Hermann! I think we should just take him to the hospital.”

Hermann looked back and saw the panic on Vanessa's face. Mr. Gómez also looked frightened.

“Can you drive us?”

“Of course! Let’s just go.”

“Aaaagghh,” Newton yelled again.

“Newt, come on, get up. Let’s go.”

“I can’t. I won’t!”

He tried to take his hand, but Newton wouldn't let him.

Newton then began to punch his own head hard. Again, this didn't happen often, but it hadn’t been the first time Hermann had to deal with Newton hurting himself. It never failed to feel like a stab in the chest.

“Newt, stop that.  We've got to go, come on.”

“No! I won’t kill him!”

“You’re not going to kill me. I won’t let you. Vanessa won’t let you,” He said, pointing to his friend, who was trying hard to look less scared. “See? Come on, we need to get you help.”

“Help?”

“Yes, Newton. We can help you.”

“Hermann, I – I”

“That’s it, one foot after the other.”

“I’m so sorry, man.”

“I know, Newton. I know.”

Mr. Gómez, bless his heart, managed to find Newton a bathrobe as they were leaving the apartment so they didn’t leave with a stark naked Newton. With Vanessa driving like a maniac and Newton clutching to him in the backseat, they arrived at the PPDC Hospital in less than 8 minutes, another record time.

 It would be a long night still, Hermann was sure of it.

Chapter Text

Hermann had a lot to worry about, but for some reason, the thing that bothered him most at that moment was how hot it was in that waiting room. It was unthinkable that a hospital, even a military hospital, could function without a decent cooling system. It was unthinkable that the heat would not affect the patients if  it was affecting him so terribly.

He could hardly breathe!

“Hermann, you need to breathe.”

Vanessa sometimes seemed to read his mind. He hated that.

“I’m trying. Why aren’t they coming out?”

“They’ve just taken Newton in, calm down.”

“Don’t tell me to calm down!”

Hermann heard his voice echoing in the small room and down the hallway leading to the restricted area where Newton had been taken a few minutes earlier. It took him a few seconds to recognize that voice as his own.

“Ok,” Vanessa said, her voice straining to sound calm.

 He knew her.  He knew her so well. Her expression said, “If you weren't on the verge of a nervous breakdown, I'd destroy you.”

He didn’t even need that facial expression, the remorse was already filling his insides.

“I'm sorry I —”

“I know, it's ok.” 

“I don't feel so good.”

Why was it so hot? And why was there so little oxygen inside a hospital?

“I think you're having a panic attack, darling.”

“No, I'm not.”

“Then breathe.” 

“Can't.” 

“That's a panic attack.” 

“No, I refuse it.” 

“Sure, right. That works.”

Bless Vanessa, she was trying so hard not to sound sarcastic, but it didn’t always work.

“Should we get a doctor?”

Suddenly, Vanessa no longer seemed sarcastic. 

 Quite the contrary, she was making the same expression she had when they had found Newton at home screaming, with no clothes on. Hermann couldn't understand why she was still so apprehensive. Hadn't they already rescued Newton? Wasn't she the one who, seconds ago, had been trying to tell him that?

“They’re all in there, aren’t they?”

“A doctor for you, silly!”

He was about to tell her how dramatic she was being. She was the one who loved to call him dramatic. Who was the drama queen now? But he didn't have time. In a matter of seconds, the room, Vanessa, the hallway, the screams in the distance, the heat—everything began to be swallowed up by darkness and silence. 

The last thing Hermann thought before losing consciousness completely was how lucky he was to be next to Vanessa, who never missed a workout at the gym and was fully capable of stopping his inevitable fall to the ground.

____

He woke up in a hospital bed, and for reasons he was still trying to understand, being treated by Dr. Wu, one of Newton's (many) psychologists. Following her assurance that Newton was in good health and medicated, he was administered a therapy session that lasted nearly an hour and a half.

Vanessa looked a mess at 2am after all the craziness they put her through but he’d never tell her that. She helped him out of the bed to finally go and meet Newton.

“I don't understand how fainting is related to psychology.”

“Well, you didn't take any psychology classes in college, my love. I did. So, yes, it has everything to do with it. At least in your case. Anyhow, you're not the only one with your contacts, Hermann.”

“I know your kind of “contacts,” Vanessa. I’ve probably threatened half of this hospital with absurd lawsuits.”

“I also studied law, something you also didn't study. You didn’t study a lot of things, actually, darling. Are you sure you’re even a real scientist?”

They walked through the corridors that led to Newton’s room at a well-known pace. Hermann remembered them walking empty corridors at the dead of night during college, trying to be as quiet as possible but always failing miserably.

How things change.

And how many things remain the same.

“I must be extremely fine health wise for you to be making fun of me so relentlessly.”

“You're the poster boy for health and wellness, dear.”

They had to wait half an hour at the waiting room again (but this time around the room wasn’t lacking a cooling system. Hermann didn’t want to think of how it wasn’t the last time either.)

When Dr. Wu came out of Newton’s room, she smiled and waved at them like they weren’t just together at what Hermann would like to label as his ‘episode’.

In the end, it was all much simpler than it seemed. Dr. Wu reassured them his brain images remained clear and that migraines were pretty common for Newton during his ten years of out-of-space mind control, so it wasn’t absurd that a migraine would trigger his memory back to that time.

Hermann thanked her 

She stated that Newton was awake, lucid, and fully clothed (Vanessa had asked about the latter). And that they could not only visit him but also take him home.

Hermann thanked her profusely before she retired, probably to the doctor’s lounge.

They likely made her work harder that night than she would have in an entire month.

_____

“Did you call Dr. Wu at 2am?”

Newton's accusatory tone was exactly what he didn't need after a rough night like that. 

“No, I did not.”

“I just had a therapy session with Dr. Wu at 3am, Hermann.”

“She was here for 25 minutes tops. You can’t hardly call that a session.”

“Yeah, probably because I didn’t need one. I didn’t need her to come all the way over here for nothing. For a migraine? I get those at least one every week.”

He did not. 

“I know, she was on call.”

“At an almost empty PPDC hospital? Come on, man! I’m crazy but I’m not stupid.”

“You’re not crazy. Go change out of these hospital clothes, please? Dr. Wu said we could leave.”

“And?”

“And what?”

“You said I’m not crazy.”

“You’re pretty stupid most of the time.”

“Shut up man, I just had an episode”

“Yeah, I know.”

He didn't like the resigned tone his voice took on when he was like this, exhausted. Because that's how he felt at that moment. Exhausted.

It was supposed to be a relaxing evening. A date with Vanessa, laughter, drinks, good food. 

He didn't want to admit that he didn't want to be there at this moment but  the truth was that he didn't want to be there. He didn't want to have this conversation. Not with Newton. Not knowing that he would have to repeat it several times that week.

“What are you hiding?”

“Nothing.”

“You’re hiding something. You’re a terrible liar, Hermann.”

“Am not.”

“Dude!”

They would probably continue if Vanessa didn’t cut them, “I called her.”

“Vanessa–” he started, warning in his voice.

“He deserves to know things, Hermann.”

“Yeah man, you know I’ll just forget everything anyway.”

“You don’t forget everything. The things I wish you’d forget you remember quite vividly.”

Vanessa was also exhausted, but unlike Hermann, she wasn't used to it.  Perhaps this is the reason she disregarded him, turned to Newton, and reported the entire situation as if she were summarizing a tedious college lecture.   

“You scared your neighbor, me, and especially Hermann, who had a panic attack and fainted in the waiting room while the doctors were treating you. I called Dr. Wu because at that point I was having a panic attack too, and there would be no one left to take care of anything. Actually, I sent for someone who was on call, but this hospital is extremely unprepared for anything, so they had to call Dr. Wu, who lives very close by, by the way. I don't know if you guys know that. She gave Hermann a mild sedative, some IV fluids, and they talked for almost two hours, although I think Hermann would need at least 300 hours to reach an acceptable level of anxiety.”

“Oh.”

Newton looked paralyzed by Vanessa's frankness and seemed to have no response to the flood of information he had received.

“I-I’ll remember that,” he finally stammered.

“I’m sure you will,” Hermann mumbled.

The tiny man’s memory only seemed to retain the things he wished he’d forget. Of course he’s remember something that would likely make him feel guilty.

“And now you’re going to the bathroom to change your clothes so we can all go home and rest, right?” Vanessa pushed.

“Y-yeah.”

When he closed the bathroom door, Hermann let out a breath that he didn't even know he was holding. 

“You did not need to further traumatize him!”

“Who says I did? I just told him the truth. Lord knows you’d have kept it from him.”

“Maybe I would but that would’ve been my problem.”

“Yeah? Well, then what you’re going to do when you faint again and I’m not there to catch you, huh?”

“I will not faint again.”

“Hermann! You’re as annoying as him, you know that? You two really deserve each other.”

“Who deserves who?” Newton asked, looking way less traumatized then when he first entered the bathroom just minutes before.

“Newton, you do know I don’t blame you, right sweety?” Vanessa asked, ignoring whatever he’d just said.

“Blame me? For what?” 

“Exactly. See Hermann? No harm done. We’re at peace, yes? Let’s go home and rest? I’m exhausted.”

She picked up the rest of their things and let them walk a couple of steps behind her to leave the hospital.

“You’re also a terrible liar, Newton. I know you didn’t forget shit in just two minutes.”

Newton smiled mischievously.

“I think we really deserve each other, Hermann.”