Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

My eyes caught yours, but you looked away.

But there was a slight pause before you did.
I'm holding onto that pause for all its worth;

Those few seconds gave me more hope than I've had in my life,
Gave me the most full-bodied and starry-eyed joy than I've ever experienced before.

Each time I looked past my laughing and giggling friends, there you were:
Already looking at me, yet looking away as soon as I noticed.

If only you didn't look away.
If only you smiled.

I'd climb up the highest mountain and force down all the stars from the sky. I'd give you the stars and the moon and the universe for you to look at me when I look back.

I'd apologise and plead and beg over and over at your feet,
If only there were a chance you'd look at me for just a second longer each time.

My love, look at me again like you used to.
Look at me like you do when I don't see, but let me see.
Speak to me, let me hear your rough voice spill words about the sun and the moon and the stars.

Would you look at me again if I said I still remember your favourite star?

20:01

Chapter Text

I will cut open my chest and tear out my heart from under my ribs.
With the same action, I will hand it back over to you without a seconds thought.

Each time I try to get rid of you,
I always come back.

I will always come back.
You will always stay right where I left you.

So take my bloodied heart from my palms and hear it cry your name.
Feel my soul ache for you.
See my eyes pleading you to make it stop;
Keep going anyways.

Never return my heart.
Never make it stop calling out for you.
Never make me forget you.

Keep me in a state of agony if it’s the only way I can be yours.

Let me writhe by your feet,
Let my hands tear at you with reverence.
Kill me slowly with your gentle looks.

Let me hurt for you.

20:14

Chapter Text

I'm on my bathroom floor,
caressing the tiles and closing my eyes so I could pretend that,
just for the moment,
the tiles are soft and warm and holding me back in the same way you did –
with your thumb tracing reverent circles against my shoulder blade.

I pretend that my tears are
the kisses you peppered against my cheeks,
I pretend the open window’s breeze is
your breath ghosting over my face when you laugh.

I'm desperate for you.
All of you.
My soul is splitting apart at the seams,
tearing one thread at a time
for each second you're away.

I'd break each one of my bones
for you to look at me again,
for you to acknowledge me,
for you to tell me that

we’ll never be over,

No matter what I said.

Each time I see you
I wish I could turn back time and
take your lip between my teeth and
tell you how stupid I've been for not realising it sooner:

I love you so much that it's ruined me.

19:33

Chapter Text

I am a spider on the ground.
Legs long yet never long enough to reach the tallest shelf,
Eyes innocent and round, yet horrifying for the human experience,
I am fragile and large and small all at once.

I am a spider on the wall.
I will watch over you and stay obediently silent when you hurt me.
I will keep your home safe and empty, and apologise when I frighten you.
I am needed and resented and adored all at once.

I am a spider on the bed.
The pillow is soft and the blankets are warm, I am happy.
You slap at me and cower in fear over my elongated, grotesque form.
I will curl my legs and die in the warmth of the bed,

I will pretend the warmth of the bed is love.
I will pretend I am love.
I will pretend I am loved.

12:54

Chapter Text

The cedar scent surrounds me;
My flesh is growing softer and older.
The fruits around me are waxed and shining in the white fluorescence of the ceiling lights,
They're smooth and perfect and twinkling up at the hungry customers.

None of them stop to examine me,
They tap and weigh the watermelon beside me,
Their hands are so close to me, yet never touching me.

A little boy curiously eyes my rough exterior,
And just as I thought that now would be my time,
He turns away with distaste.

Hours pass, and I remain still, looking my very best
Until the lights above me shut off.
The strawberries are gone, the cucumbers packed in delicate plastic bags,
The oranges already laid to sleep in fruit bowls.

I am still surrounded by the scent of cedar crates
And weak disinfectant for the second week in a row.

It is not my fault I have a rough exterior,
not my fault I burn your tongue when you taste me,
not my fault that you can't handle me.

But I wished someone had tried.

20:44

Chapter Text

I try to ignore how in the summer, at 8:23 PM, when you can say the sun has set but it hasn't really, that I lie in my bed alone.

A part of me always imagines someone beside me, watching the same black and white film as I am, in silence.
But I know I'm all alone in the not-so-dark room.

And I try to ignore how, when I finally turn the TV off and lie back down and stare out into the blurry dark, how I have to fight the urge to whimper like a wounded dog in search of comfort.

I count up to the highest number I can intelligibly pronounce in my head, and I’ll will myself to sleep and ignore the distinct lack of breathing beside me.

And when I wake, I'll try to ignore the light sting of disappointment in my chest when I remember that I am still alone.
And once again, I'll try not to whine like a dog for touch that will never come.

So, I'll go through the motions:
Get up, get dressed, leave, and come back six hours later and pretend that the off-putting man who had sat down beside me in the near-empty bus and is breathing heavily down my ear isn't the only one who gives me attention on lonely Monday afternoons.

I'll watch him get up and leave 25 minutes later and wonder if this man is so off-putting because of his loneliness.
I try to ignore the hint of dread at the thought of me becoming the off-putting woman to teenagers in the future from my own loneliness.

And I’ll put my headphones back in and strangely wish for it to be a Monday afternoon again, so that the off-putting man can sit beside me again and I can ignore how he’s breathing down my ear and staring into the side of my head and how his hand is twitching and slowly reaching towards my thigh, so that I can pretend that that off-putting man is my friend.

Later that night, at 8:23 PM, my friend and I will watch a black and white film together, and I'll ignore his looks, and I'll pretend that this is what I wanted.

And I won't whine like a wounded dog;
I'll whimper and scratch tonight.

21:15

Chapter Text

Today,
I saw you.

You were wearing your hair differently:
Long and not constricted by the black band you wear around your wrist.

The same one I gave you outside of our maths classroom in early April.

Your fingernails still had the remnants of the chipped and cracked nail polish, imprinted with the uneven pattern of your bite.
It was unnoticeable to the people around you, but I could see it.
I was the one who painted your nails under the grey clouds that Nottingham offers on “warm summer” days.

You had your hood up.
You always said you hated your hair, but you hated cutting it more.
You didn't like the feel of it around your ears, and you didn't like feeling it on your face.
I never told you this, but I always longed to push those few lone strands aside so I could see your face again.

But you know I don't like touch.
Not like you do.

But you also knew that you were the only one I ever allowed to get close to me.

Today,
I remembered how you'd place your arm behind me and rest it on the rotting wood of the bench
– you know which one –
And our bodies would have that slight contact, and I'd never pull away.
I did that for you,
So you could have that moment of comfort
If only for a few minutes.

I wrote in my journal every day how “today was going to be the day that I held your hand”.
We both know that never happened.

But today,
When my friends pointed you out
– walking alone by the side of the building that we both now share, still walking with that slight slouch as if the world was going to stop you and point out all your flaws and mistakes to the people around –
I couldn't help but think that today would've been that day.

I would've held your hand if only I hadn't let you go.
And as I kept watching you, I wondered if you remembered how I always hated that walk you bear:
So full of shame at times when shame didn't apply to you.

I wondered if you remembered me trying to get you to try out silly walks and make you smile for just a few seconds at a time – not any more, not any less.

So today,
when you walked past the cafeteria,
I hoped you had seen me.
I hoped you had seen the subtle glimpse of happiness in my eyes when I saw that you didn't look any more ruined than you had been before me.

You still looked the same as that day – like you were carrying the weight of your life’s crumbling remains in your shaking powder-covered hands – and that made me happy for just a minute.
Because that look on your face brought me relief that I had not broken you any more than you already were.

With that same look on your face, I knew that I was just another rock falling from the pile on your shoulders, and I let myself believe that I had been right:

That nothing could save you – not me, nor the drugs, nor moving away to a place where nobody knows either of our names or our story.

And I let myself be selfishly happy for the rest of the day,
The day that I saw you.

19:48

Chapter Text

If I took a spoon,
and held it under my eyelid
and pushed it in
ever so softly,

if i turned it
and dug out my eye
and let it sit on the curved edge of the metal
in front of you,

would you take it
from my bloodied hands
and bring it to your lips?

Would you let me see you?
From the inside and out?

If you did the same,
would you wince as
the nerve disappears behind my teeth?

Or would you simply watch in awe
whilst we bared our souls to each other
in the rawest way imaginable?

18:19

Chapter Text

500 years ago, we kissed in the storm;
I held onto you like an anchor grounding me,
like you're the only one worth holding onto.

Today, we kissed in the storm;
You kissed me with the innocent passion of an
ancient Lover who's found his other half
in an open street soaked in rain.

When we pulled away and the sky lit up our faces,
I whispered:
"I think we waited 500 years for this."

"I'll wait 500 more if I have to"
Was all you said before you were gone again.

In 500 years, we will kiss again in the storm;
Our tongues will dance together as if reciting vows
spoken Millennia ago; Vows lost but never forgotten;
Silent promises which will never be broken.

03:00

Chapter Text

"How can a stranger feel like home?"
"If they were never a stranger at all."

You, my Love, are not a stranger.

You're the answer to a question hidden deep in my soul;
A question I didn't know I needed answering.

And yet, you answered it anyways when your eyes
locked onto mine.

My soul has been pulling towards you since you
walked into the room,
and I know you feel it too.

We were never strangers,
just lost Lovers from the past.

03:09

Chapter Text

When you pulled away from my lips,
you laughed and said:
"You're messing with my head."

I looked up and simply asked:
"Isn't that what love is?"

And you kissed me again.

03:14

Chapter Text

I can see them, they're walking away.

They're bowing their heads and clicking their tongues against their teeth.

"Click, click, click."

Come back and witness me!

Witness my spiral and my pitying act of nothingness!

Pity me!

Let me hear you!

"Click, click, click."

Come back and bring God with you!

Let Him see what He's done to the Child He loves;

Let Him see what the flame-riddled Earth He created

has housed.

Let Him see!

Let you all see!

03:39

Chapter Text

My sweet Love,
If you're out there and our paths haven't crossed,
wait for me.
Feel my death as it happens, feel it in your heart.
Let your soul shatter and break from trying to hold
onto mine.

My Darling,
You will be alright,
even if my absence has caused you grief.
I am in pieces, come find me.
Come sit at my stone and mourn me.

My Other Half,
Let yourself miss me,
our souls will meet again.
In 500 years, I will find you.

My Love, let me find you.

03:31

Chapter Text

One day, will You kiss me goodnight?
Will You kiss me good-morning with my morning
breath, laugh, and kiss me again?

Will You pause and whisper that "Our kids are up," and
let them run into our room with overflowing cups of
juice and half-eaten oranges?

Will You split that orange apart and share its pieces,
keeping the bitter segments for Yourself?

Will You smile at us whilst we eat?

Will You tuck us all back into bed, wrap Your arms
around us and say "I love you"?

Will we know that You mean all of us?

Will you?

03:24

Chapter Text

If you were to ask me, I'd say
"Yes, yes I'm scared of dying."
I will tell you this now: I am scared.
I am scared of the pain,
I am scared of feeling myself
slip away.

"Yes, I am afraid to die."
I will admit this to you so, please know
I won't lie:
When I say I'm afraid of dying,
understand that I am not scared of
Death's cold hands themselves.
Understand that the act of being dead is
not what I'm afraid of,

because when I'm in the ground,
with the bugs and the worms and the maggots,
I will be calm.
And I will rest.
And I will give back to The Earth
which has given me so much already.

I will be happy and
asleep.
I will not be scared of being dead.

But yes, I am scared of dying.

02:53

Chapter Text

My one and only desire is to wrap my trembling
hands around her neck;
Hold and hold and hold until
I'm sure her voice will never be
heard by me again.
To feel her last breath against
the bruised skin of my wrists
and watch her drunken eyes lose
the ability to look at me with hatred.

Yet I will still say:
"Look at me! Look at me! Look at me!"
when life leaves her body.
And I will still say:
"I exist! I exist! I exist!"
when she can't deny it any longer.

And I will never again say:
"I'm afraid! I'm afraid! I'm afraid!"

17:21

Chapter Text

Never have I seen a Woman
without the soul of an Angel;
without the looks of a Goddess;
without lips which could cure me of
every cruel and rotten feeling I harbour.

Never have I seen a Woman
Who didn't have the power to
ruin me entirely;
Never have I seen a Woman
Who I'd deny the opportunity to do so.

I was made to Love a Woman,
I was made to have a Woman Love me,
but I was made to Love a man, too.

All the Women Who were my Lovers before
left cracks in my heart -
still weak enough to shatter me completely
should They utter a single cruel word
in my direction with
Their sweet, soft cherry lips.

I was made to Love a Woman;
Women were made to break me.

I was made to be broken -
if only it were by the hands of a real Lover:

A Woman.

With Her soul of an Angel
and looks of a Goddess
and sweet soft cherry lips
that burn my own with a
gentle, cruel kiss.

But for now, I will love a man,
and pretend I was never
made to Love a Woman.

21:03

Chapter Text

He has the awkward tenderness of someone who's
never been loved,
yet is trying to improvise.

And I care about him.
I care because I have never been in love before
and I know no one has loved him.

I want to love him softly, like he deserves,
but I only seem to love cruelly -
from afar, so far, in fact, that he doesn't even know it;
and I don't acknowledge it.

17:10

Chapter Text

I fear that nobody knows the real me -
Not even I, at times.

No one will know the disgusting things I've done;
No one will know the repulsive thoughts I have.

I will bury my truths into the marrow of my bones;
It will be consumed by the maggots in my skin when
I die.

Only they know the real me,
Only the flies and the larvae and the dirt will see me
at my most honest and vulnerable;
Only they would still want to devour my body and mind
after seeing me.

Only they would accept me and
my flesh.

15:47

Chapter Text

I disgust myself with my own desires.

I disgust myself when I look at her and think of
how red the skin clinging to her pathetic bones could be -
if I let myself.

I disgust myself when I'm holding the silver and think of
how deep it could go -
where it could go.

I disgust myself when I see who I turn into
when she drinks.

I disgust myself;

But she disgusts me too.

15:39

Chapter Text

When I told You that I'm ruined and ugly
- not just on the outside, but the inside, too -
I expected You to run.

I expected You to laugh, say I'm not worth it,
leave without a goodbye.

But You didn't.

You sat and You talked to me and You listened.
You said You'd be patient; that it's okay if I'm not
what You expected.
Because You like me.

You like me.

And that scares me,
because I'm not the one You deserve.
You deserve a bleach blonde with the perfect laugh
and the perfect family and the perfect personality
- everything I'm not.
Not me.

Not me who has seen things no girl should see and
experienced things no man could stomach.

But You like me.

You like me.

And You're patient and perfect and everything that I
don't deserve;
Everything I've always wanted but never thought I'd
have;
Convinced myself I wouldn't have.

You scare me.
I scare myself.
I'm scared of this.

And You love me.

01:55

Chapter Text

I'm a woman who talks to herself and still lies.

I'm repulsive and ruined and I taste like rotten flesh
and flies.

I will leave before he can crawl inside my body and
see me where I'm honest,
because I know that this time when he says
"I love you"
he'll be the one lying.

I'm made of flesh not even the flies can adore.

17:51

Chapter Text

Lord, sometimes I feel like nothing will work out.
I pray and I pray yet nothing changes.

I have faith and hope but they're slowly fading and I
don't know what to do.

Lord, pray for me and my salvation.
Pray for the people I care about.
Pray for their health and recovery.

Lord, pray for our word; for the change we're
trying to make.
Pray for the life we could have and
pray for the life our children should have.

Lord, let us be happy and let us keep our faith.
Let us be courageous;
Let us become the people we want to be and do good.

Lord, pray for us.

22:56

Chapter Text

I can feel the longing stuck in my throat.

It suffocates me,
takes all of my attention away from my surroundings
and forces it all on the developing tumour forming in
the pit of my stomach.

I'm home,
so why do I feel so sick?
If my longing is for comfort and familiarity, then
why aren't I feeling better?

The rot is crawling up my throat and infecting my
broken words.
I can feel it building vines and
branches through my body, getting
closed and closer to
my brain.

It's clambering and forcing me to succumb
to the sickening nausea it's creating and
I know there's no cure.

Perhaps I'm incurable,
stuck in a state of permanent yearning
for a place that I'm not quite sure even exists.
Perhaps it's the thought of leaving the place which I've
called home for so long that is causing the
disease festering in my chest,
ripping me apart from the inside and
injecting doubt and longing into the cells of
my being.

Perhaps I'll always be homesick.
Or perhaps,

home is in the arms which have not yet held me.

00:36

Chapter Text

The day before I left, I looked at him and I thought:
"If I was very brave and very honest, I'd tell him I
Love him." I would say it, so he would know it,
and I could never take it back.

But I'm not very brave, nor am I very honest, so I
stayed quiet and looked at him and hoped he
already knew.

I watched as the sun kissed his skin and I stayed
quiet, because if I spoke then I know I'd end up
admitting how jealous I was of the light that so
easily kissed his cheeks and how I wished I were
kissing him instead.

00:25