Chapter Text
“Stupid thing,” Megumi grumbles as he twisted the broken knob on the radio for the fifth time. Layne Staley’s voice warbled in and out of clarity from the tinny speaker as the old machine tried its best to catch the right frequency. The phone ringing startled Megumi out of his focus, and with a groan he gave up on the radio for now.
“I’ll get it!” He calls out the door, to no one in particular. His dad merely let out a low grunt of acknowledgement, so quiet beneath the phone’s obnoxious melody he almost didn’t catch it. He picks up the receiver in his room, falling backwards onto his bed—the cord meticulously wrapped around his finger so the whole thing wouldn’t go flying off the nightstand, well practiced.
“Hello?” Megumi breathes. There was slight rustling on the other end of the line, then suddenly, a voice.
“Meg!”
He shoots up immediately. His heart falls into his stomach.
“…Yuuji?”
“Well duh. Who else?”
A smile breaks out across the boy's cheeks so big and wide, he wonders if he’s ever smiled this big in his life.
"I thought you weren’t back until Sunday night?”
Yuuji had been visiting his grandparents for the past two months. Megumi hadn’t heard his voice in weeks.
“No, silly. Saturday! I’m right on time.” Megumi can hear his smile, too. He wishes he could see it.
“I missed you,” he says, overwhelmed. His heart suddenly leaps from his stomach into his throat, and he chokes on it.
“I missed you!” Yuuji replies immediately. Megumi clutches the phone tighter against his ear, like it might swallow him whole and bring him to wherever Yuuji is. I love you, he thinks. I love you, I love you, I love you.
“Tell me about your trip,” he says instead. “How are your grandparents?”
Yuuji jumps into a ramble about his trip; his grandparents live near a beach. He got to go swimming and his grandma bought him a keychain with a little frog on it from a local shop right on the water. He got to spend time with his nice half-brother Choso and his mean uncle Sukuna let him try smoking weed for the first time.
Megumi listens with his heart still in his throat. He can picture everything Yuuji says in his head except he’s there too. They went swimming together and bought matching keychains and they smoked weed for the first time together.
“Wow,” he says, when Yuuji’s done. “I’m so glad you had fun, baby.” The pet name is not weird. They say it all the time.
They’re not dating.
He can hear Yuuji’s smile get bigger.
“I did, I had so much fun!”
A pause.
“I would have had more fun if you were there.”
Megumi hopes the cheap phone doesn’t catch his breath hitch.
“Yeah,” he says. “That would have been nice.” The sun is starting to dip below the horizon, barely kissing the top of the tall mountain in the distance outside his window.
“What time is it there?”
“Almost ten.”
Megumi hums. His brain rattles.
“We’ll go on vacation together one day,” Yuuji says suddenly, a bit softer now. Megumi smiles again despite himself. He feels like that’s all he does when he talks to Yuuji. Or thinks about him. Or dreams about him. Or writes about him.
“We will?” He asks, not letting his voice shake.
“Of course we will!
There’s shuffling in the background of the line, his mom calling him and the muffled sound of him yelling back.
“I gotta go, baby,” Yuuji says, sounding a bit deflated. “Gotta help finish unpacking. I’ll call you later?”
Megumi smiles.
Yuuji calls him at exactly midnight.
—
There’s a brutish knock on Megumi’s door that startles him from his book. He jumps up from bed, and his dad stands on the other side of the door with an envelope in his hand.
“For you,” Toji says, holding it out like it’s burning him. Megumi grabs it, heart jumping at the name in the top left corner.
“Who the hell’s in New York?” He asks, and Megumi cringes.
“No one,” he says quickly. His dad looks at him a moment longer, and looks like he’s going to say something, before grunting and walking away. Megumi exhales.
Practically slams his door shut, rushes to his desk to open up the envelope. A photo falls out immediately, and Megumi wants to throw up.
It’s Yuuji, on the beach, buried in the sand. His golden eyes are crinkled in laughter as his half-brother sprinkles more sand over his fluffy pink hair. Megumi holds the photo in his hands like a precious jewel. He stares at it for so long his eyes start to get glassy and his heart starts to swell. He sets it upside down while he pulls out the accompanying letter.
It’s four pages long.
He reads it six times.
He calls Yuuji immediately, but he doesn’t answer. He frowns into the receiver before running to the living room to use the barely-functioning computer. It takes almost thirty minutes to connect while Megumi bounces his leg rapidly and picks at his nails.
He sends Yuuji an email, all his thoughts about the photo, and the letter. When he presses send, it feels like his heart flies into the stratosphere with it.
He runs back to his room, and pushes a thumb tack delicately through the photo and into the wall next to his bed. He lays and looks at it for a while longer, as if maybe it will burn into his brain. He eventually rolls over and re-reads the letter. Well, the highlights of the letter.
I wish you had been there.
Sometimes I feel like all I ever do is think about you.
You’re so perfect, Megumi.
And possibly the most gut-wrenching line of all, somehow:
Why are you so far away?
But before he can get too carried away in his self-wallowing, the phone rings.
—
Megumi becomes overwhelmed in late July. College is right around the corner. He’s not going far, but he’s going somewhere. One step closer to becoming a vet like he’s wanted since childhood. Yuuji frequently tells him how proud of him he is.
His dad is unhelpful as always, offering him a ten dollar bill when he says he needs some money for school supplies. He starts up a job on campus early with the help of an advisor. His free time slowly dwindles as he over-preps for the school year. He has to do well. He has to.
Yuuji still calls him as much as ever. Megumi doesn’t answer quite as much. He’s not home as often as he was in the early summer, and logging onto his shitty home computer to email takes more time than he has to mentally offer.
Megumi thinks about Yuuji constantly. Wonders what he’s doing, feels bad that he didn’t call him last night, or the night before. Hopes there’s an email waiting in his inbox, but doesn’t know when he’ll have time to check. Has dreams about kissing his face, his cheeks and his nose and his lips and his neck. He feels like he’s going crazy.
“Baby,” he breathes when he finally gets to answer the phone one night. It’s raining outside, oddly enough, pattering heavily against his window.
“Oh my god, you answered,” Yuuji says. It’s not accusatory, not annoyed, not anything. It’s just Yuuji. He’s happy. Megumi wants to cry.
“I’m sorry,” he says instantly. “I’m so sorry, I’ve been so busy lately and I —”
“Don’t!” Yuuji interrupts. His voice is like sunshine, makes it feel like the rain isn’t even happening. “Don’t be sorry. It’s okay, I get it. You’re excited and overwhelmed to start school.”
He understands. Oh god he understands .
“Yeah,” Megumi breathes. Was holding his breath like he expected Yuuji to yell at him or something. Why would he yell at him? Sunshine. He’s sunshine bottled up into a perfect boy. “You get it.”
“I do,” the pink haired boy replies, like he’s proud of himself. “I’m proud of you,” he says instead. “When do I get to start calling you doctor?”
“Shut up.” A flush spreads across Megumi’s cheeks. He hears Yuuji’s perfect laugh.
“You’re cute when you’re flustered.”
Megumi wants to melt into the bed.
“Yuuji, literally shut up,” he hisses, with no venom behind it. Yuuji just laughs again.
“You don’t really mean that,” he says easily, like he knows. He does. He knows so much.
“Of course I don’t.” Megumi folds.
“I know baby,” he coos.
“ I know .”
—
School starts in late August. Megumi’s schedule immediately proves too much for him to handle.
Class. Think about Yuuji. Labs. Study. Email Yuuji from the computer lab. Work. Study at work. Think about Yuuji at work. Study on the bus home. Homework. Study. Yuuji Yuuji Yuuji.
Megumi makes a friend in his biology class. Nobara—she’s sweet and eccentric, and somehow always has the energy Megumi seems to be lacking these days.
“You look tired,” she says one day while they sit in the library, poking Megumi in the shoulder with a glittery mechanical pencil. She’s nothing if not direct and honest.
“You’re not supposed to say that to people,” Megumi grumbles, rubbing the sting of the pencil away. “It’s rude.”
Nobara blows a raspberry, closing her textbook swiftly.
“Let’s go out tonight,” she says, her eyes lighting up.
“And that’s supposed to make me less tired how…?”
“It’s not,” she replies, shoving the last of her papers into her backpack. “It’s supposed to get you to loosen up, which you also need to do.”
Megumi scowls.
“I don’t think my fake will even work anymore,” he tries, wanting an out. He promised Yuuji he’d call tonight. It’s been three days since he heard his voice.
“That’s fine,” Nobara tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, flashing her white teeth. “I know somewhere they won’t card.”
It’s loud at the bar. Drunk karaoke spills loudly onto the street before they even get inside. They look horribly out of place with their full backpacks and obvious teenage faces. But Nobara’s right, and no one seems to care.
“My girlfriend is coming,” Nobara half-shouts over the horribly off-key singing coming from the stage in the far corner. “I’m really excited for you to meet her.”
For some reason, the word ‘girlfriend’ makes Megumi’s stomach twist. Yuuji’s face suddenly flashes across his mind, perfect and smiling—he’s waiting by the phone for Megumi’s call. Yuuji is not his boyfriend.
Megumi just nods, forcing a small smile as the bartender waves them over. Nobara orders something with a ridiculous name, and he orders a vodka soda.
They find a spot to sit in a slightly quieter corner of the bar, and it’s not long before Nobara’s girlfriend—Maki, he learns her name—approaches with her own drink already in hand. Maki has piercing green eyes that look cold and hard until she sees her girlfriend and they absolutely light up like starlight. It’s like Megumi’s not even there when she slides into the booth smiling, leaning over to plant a fat kiss on Nobara’s lips. Megumi quickly downs his drink and has to look away.
“Sorry,” Maki says eventually after they’re done giggling and whispering to each other like idiots in love. In love. “I’m Maki.” She reaches her hand across the table and Megumi takes it. Her grip is really tight and he feels his knuckles crack uncomfortably.
“Megumi.” He winces.
They all talk for a little while, and the two girls become obnoxious after another drink. Megumi tries really hard not to think about the empty seat next to him and especially not the person that could be filling it. It won’t work. It won’t work it won’t work it won’t work.
Megumi ends up ahead of the couple. He’s had three vodka sodas and even tried a few drinks with even more ridiculous names at Nobara’s request. He’s really fucking drunk. It makes him happy in some weird way, because for once, he’s not being consumed but his thoughts of —
“So, what’s up with you and Inumaki?” Nobara asks, her head leaned into the crook of Maki’s neck. Megumi scrunches his eyebrows.
“Inu…you mean Toge?” He’s confused. “Whadyoumean ‘me and him?’” His words are beginning to slur. Nobara’s face looks a bit fuzzy.
“I saw you guys, in the - in the library, all last week. He was making you giggle like a little bitch.” Maki snickers at her girlfriend's words, and Nobara stifles her own laugh in her palm. Megumi frowns.
“He was my lab partner,” he says, with all the seriousness a drunk person can muster. “I hav’n even talked to him since then.” Which is true. But the insinuation hurt, puts this aching feeling in his chest like he’s cheating on Yuuji or something.
Yuuji is not his boyfriend.
“Then we gotta find you someone else,” Nobara continues, oblivious to Megumi’s internal brain tornado. He frowns harder.
“Yeah,” Maki supplies, useless. “Don’t you wanna know what it’s like to be in loooooove?” Their faces are touching again, noses pressed to cheeks and infuriatingly adorable giggles tumbling from their lips.
I do know what it’s like to be in love, he thinks, and his head spins and brings his heart right with it.
“I have to go to the bathroom,” he mumbles instead, clumsily pushing himself out of the booth and leaving their laughter and love behind.
Megumi doesn’t have to use the bathroom. Well, maybe he does, but there’s a phone on the wall near them too. He knows Yuuji’s number by heart. Of course he does.
“Yuu-ji!” Megumi hiccups into the phone as soon as he hears it connect. His hands are buzzing where they cup the receiver to his ear, like he might drop it and lose him forever.
“Gumi…?” His favorite nickname. Yuuji’s voice sounds gravelly with sleep. God he sounds so cute when he’s sleepy.
“Yuuji,” Megumi repeats, and giggles. “Yuuji, Yuuji, Yuuji .” He likes the way it sounds coming out of his mouth.
“Gumi, what time is it?” He hears Yuuji take a deep breath that turns into a yawn. What time is it?
“Dunno,” He replies, looking around like a clock might appear out of nowhere. “But I said I’d call you…so m’calling you!”
Yuuji laughs softly, but he sounds distant, like he’s ten light years away. Megumi’s suddenly reminded of the fact that he is ten light years away, on the complete opposite side of the country, and he wants to cry.
“Are you drunk?” He asks.
“Kinda.” Megumi hiccups again.
“Sounds like more than ‘kinda,’” Yuuji sounds so patient. He’s always so patient with Megumi. He’s always waiting for him to get home, waiting for him to call, waiting for him, waiting waiting waiting he’s always waiting for Megumi.
“I’m sorry!” Megumi suddenly wails, and when did he start crying?
“Huh?” Yuuji’s voice is laced with concern, oh wow he’s so sweet , absolutely dripping with a saccharine syrup that Megumi wants to drown in. He can’t give Yuuji what he needs, what he deserves, sunshine boy, he can’t, he can’t. “Baby what’s wrong, where are you? Are you okay?”
“I love you, you know that right?” There’s an urgent, terrible thing laced in Megumi’s voice. It’s clawing its way up and out of his throat before he can stop it, bleeding out all over the dingy carpet outside the disgusting bathroom. “I love you so much, s’much…”
“Of course I do, baby, I love you too,” Yuuji says immediately, always immediately and with such conviction there’s no way it can’t be true. There’s no way there can't be more than this. He wants it to be real. He sniffles harshly, wiping away a tear with an uncoordinated hand.
“I’m gonna fly out there next summer,” Megumi says, though he has no solid plan. It doesn’t matter. He’s going to save all his money and fly to see him. His baby. His friend.
There’s a long pause on the other end of the line, so long that Megumi wonders if Yuuji fell back asleep.
“Really?” He asks after another moment. Megumi nods, blurring his vision before he realizes Yuuji can’t see him. He hums an affirmation instead.
Another pause.
“Okay, Gumi.”
For some reason, that makes the raven-haired boy cry even harder, his sobs something terrible and awful echoing in the hallway where he stands.
“Baby it’s okay,” Yuuji says, his voice even and smooth. “Don’t cry baby, you’re gonna be okay. Are you alone? Do you have a safe way to get home?” He’s so thoughtful. So special so perfect so available so everything Megumi is not.
“I’m w- with a friend. Gonna take the bus home,” Megumi sniffles again, using the wall to support his weight.
“Okay,” Yuuji says. “Will you please call me when you get home? Let me know you’re safe?”
Megumi’s lip trembles. He tries to speak but no sound comes out except a pathetic squeak.
“Please?” Yuuji’s voice sounds a thousand times smaller.
“Yeah,” Megumi’s throat is raw. “I will.”
Megumi passes out on the couch as soon as he gets through the door.
Yuuji stays up all night waiting for a call that never comes.
—
The school year goes by painstakingly slow and abnormally fast at the same time. Before he knows it, Megumi is approaching finals week of his last semester for the school year. The weather is starting to warm again, and the sunshine makes him mad, for some reason.
Yuuji has been calling less and less. It only makes sense, considering Megumi only answers about ten percent of the time. He hasn’t received a letter in almost four months. His email inbox sits empty aside from the occasional spam or message from his sister. Megumi tries to ignore the aching feeling that eats away at a piece of his heart each day.
It’s Friday night, and Nobara invited him out with her, Maki, and Toge. Megumi politely declined and said he already had plans. Mostly, those plans included doing absolutely anything else rather than have Nobara get drunk and try fruitlessly to get him and Toge together.
So here he sits, freshly showered and sitting on the edge of his bed, staring longingly at the phone on his nightstand. He bites at his cuticles while he contemplates the multiple ways this could play out.
He calls Yuuji, Yuuji doesn’t answer, he goes to sleep. He calls Yuuji, Yuuji answers and tells him he hates him and never wants to talk to him again, he cries himself to sleep. He calls Yuuji, Yuuji says he’s sorry for holding back and he’s actually in love with him and this whole “friend” thing they were trying to make work doesn’t really work and they’re gonna live together and be happy for the rest of their lives.
Every single one of the possibilities sounds terrible in their own way.
Just as the options start to become too much to bear, the initial thinking is done for him when the phone rings. It makes Megumi jump a little, his heart pounding against his ribs with a highly irregular beat. His hand shakes as he reaches out and picks up the receiver.
“Hello?”
“Oh, you answered!”
Megumi flinches. There’s still no accusation. No annoyance. If anything, there’s relief.
That hurts most of all.
“Yeah,” Megumi says lamely. “I’m here.”
“It’s almost finals week!” Yuuji exclaims. “Are you excited? Nervous? Tell me everything!”
Megumi feels a smile despite himself. It doesn’t quite reach his eyes, but it’s there nonetheless. This sunshine is so much better than the one setting outside his window.
He does tell him everything. Almost as quickly as the guilt and shame appeared, it was gone. Yuuji makes it so easy. He makes everything so easy for Megumi, always. Why does Megumi have to make everything so hard?
They lapse into a comfortable silence after a while. Megumi is sprawled out on his bed, looking up at the plastic glow-in-the-dark stars plastered haphazardly across his ceiling. He wonders if Yuuji is laying the same way.
“What are you doing?” Yuuji asks, breaking the silence. Megumi smiles.
“Just laying here.”
“Same,” Yuuji says. Megumi doesn’t have to wonder anymore.
“Are you…” Yuuji starts, then stops. His voice is different all of the sudden. There’s a brief shuffling noise, a crack of static and then more silence.
“Am I…?” Megumi presses. His body suddenly flushes hot, knows what Yuuji is doing, even though he won’t say it.
“What are you doing?” The pink haired boy asks again, his voice quieter. Megumi sighs softly, hiding his smile as if Yuuji could see it.
“I already answered that,” he replies, but the smile is evident in his tone anyways.
“Well- well yeah, but what are- ” Yuuji pauses again, huffs dramatically. “How are you feeling?”
“I feel fine,” Megumi says, but his stomach pools with heat. “How are you feeling, Yuuji?”
More silence. More shuffling.
“I don’t know,” Yuuji says breathily.
“You don’t know?” Megumi’s teasing. He knows it. So easy. Always making everything so easy. “Then I guess I don’t know either…”
Yuuji huffs again.
“Megumi, please.” His voice is nothing more than a whine and Megumi shivers, all the blood leaving his brain and pooling in his lower body.
“Please…?” He urges, stomach clenching and hips pressing into the bed subconsciously—underwear already growing damp and sticky against his core.
“Please, I need you,” Yuuji whines again, and this time Megumi can’t help but to let out a soft sound of his own, something resembling a moan as one hand drifts down his stomach, pressing a slim finger against his slit through the cotton of his panties. He tries really hard to focus on the warmth pulsating through his body, and not the vibration of his chest at the word need.
“I know, baby,” he coos, eyes slipping closed. For a moment he can just pretend like Yuuji’s there with him, eyes focused on the same stars on the ceiling until he has to close them when Megumi grabs a hold of his hardness through his pants. “Are you touching yourself?”
“Yes,” Yuuji says instantly, and then a brief pause before he continues an almost unintelligible mantra of yeah, yeah yeah yeahyesyesyes I am, and Megumi’s frantically pulling his shorts and panties off so that he can get back to the phone as quick as humanly possible. “I missed you, Gumi, missed your voice, fuck-”
Megumi preens at that, fingers working quickly over his sensitive bud as he listens to the impossibly erotic sound of Yuuji mumbling and whining and working a fist furiously up and down his length. The wet, squelching noise is insanely obvious in the background and Megumi thinks he might die.
He doesn’t have to say much when Yuuji gets like this. He just lets the pink haired boy work himself up to the point he loses inhibition, says anything and everything knowing that Megumi gets off to the sounds he makes.
“Need to know what you taste like, baby,” Yuuji says brokenly, vulnerably. “Need to know what you look like on my fingers and my cock, fuck!” He’s already close, how is he so close? But Megumi’s not far behind, two fingers working in and out of his sopping cunt as he listens to Yuuji babble.
“You want that too, baby?” Yuuji’s suddenly asking, his voice a broken, pitiful whine.
“Yeah,” Megumi’s whole body is vibrating, pussy fluttering helplessly around his fingers. “My fingers aren’t enough, Yuu, I need you, need you to fill me up, god-”
Yuuji cuts him off with a groan, short breathless gasps that leave Megumi reeling.
“Yeah?” Yuuji grits. “Gonna let me fill you up?”
Megumi cries, wet and messy all over.
“Gonna knock you up baby, keep you full and gagging for it, so fucking perfect, fuck- you’re all mine aren’t you?”
Megumi cries harder, fingers losing rhythm. He whines what should be an affirmative.
“Say it,” Yuuji implores, broken. “Say you’re all mine. Baby, please.”
“I’m yours,” Megumi says, easy. It’s easy, so so easy. “I’m all yours, only yours Yuuji, forever -”
Yuuji cums with a shuddering gasp. Megumi blacks out.
They don’t talk again for a month.
—
It’s almost the Fourth of July. Megumi is anything but patriotic, however he agrees to go to Maki’s family beach house with Nobara and some others from school for the weekend.
He passed all his classes—A’s and B’s. Yuuji sent him a corny novelty card that had a cute drawing of a dog on the front and Congrats! in Comic Sans. Both sections of the inside of the card were completely filled with loving words and corny jokes. Megumi smudged the ink with his tears.
Maki’s older cousins own a house on the coast, and this year they had flown south instead of utilizing it for the holiday.
“It’ll just be a few people from our classes,” Nobara had assured him.
“A few people like who?”
“You know, Toge, Yuta, Maki’s sister Mai…” It sounded like she was leaving some people out. Megumi raised an eyebrow at her. “…Todo.”
Megumi made a disgusted noise.
“Ugh, I hate that meathead!”
“Just suck it up and come with us! It’ll be fun, you won’t even have to interact with him!”
Turns out, he wouldn’t have to interact with him. He probably couldn't find him even if he tried. There were so many people at the house he could barely find Nobara when he arrived, only knowing she was actually here because he had seen Maki’s car out front.
Aaliyah’s voice poured from the speakers as Megumi made his way through the sea of people, pushing past people drunkenly dancing and grinding and making out in a way that made him want to puke. He finally spots Nobara and Maki in the corner of the kitchen, and he wants to puke again.
“Can you get your tongues out of each other's throats for five seconds please?” He asks, voice strained over the music. They pull away from each other and Nobara’s eyes light up, glazed over.
“Megs, you came!” She exclaims, surging forward to hug him. The liquid in her cup sloshes and some of it spills down Megumi’s back, making him gasp.
“I wish I didn’t,” he grumbles as she turns him around.
“Oh god, sorry,” she says, wiping at the damp spot on his back like that’ll dry it. “There. All better.”
“Thanks,” he deadpans, and suddenly Maki is shoving a cup with a dark red liquid into his hands.
“Here,” she says. “You won’t feel it in a few minutes.”
The red liquid tastes like rubbing alcohol. Megumi finds himself leaning against the window sill after a while, watching Nobara, Maki, and two other girls he doesn’t recognize play a horribly uncoordinated game of beer pong. Everybody’s yelling and cheating and laughing and Megumi is thinking about Yuuji.
They haven’t talked since they had phone sex right before finals. Megumi felt shame pool deep in his gut every time he watched the phone ring after that. He thought that maybe Yuuji would finally realize he can do better than someone two-thousand miles away, with nothing but a malfunctioned brain and a dysfunctional family to blame.
Yuuji has a life ahead of him. He has a big family that loves him and supports him, he’s worked hard to finish high school early and join his grandpa’s electric company, he’s beautiful and sweet and kind and perfect and could have any person on the planet that he wants and yet he spends all his free time talking to Megumi. A poor college student he met on an online forum who still isn’t sure what he wants to do with his life and a dad who barely wants to be his dad. Two thousand miles away.
Perhaps ghosting Yuuji isn’t the right strategy, and he knows this. Sometimes, he gets this horrible feeling in his body at the realization that Yuuji may give up and stop talking to him all together. Even though that’s kind of the idea.
Isn’t it?
“Hey.” A voice startles Megumi from his thoughts. He blinks, realizing his eyes are glassy, as he looks to his right.
“Oh. Hey.”
Toge.
Toge is a good friend. He’s quiet, very unlike Nobara. He deals with her relentless teasing and sometimes surprises everyone when he snaps at her with a witty comeback. He’s been Megumi’s partner for labs several times, and he’s incredibly smart. He has a small family and he’s studying to be a microbiologist. Nobara swears he has a crush on Megumi.
“I think the fireworks are starting soon,” Toge says, and he pulls a joint up to his lips, leaning back against the windowsill next to Megumi. Megumi watches as he inhales the smoke, and blows it out, brown eyes focused on the chaotic game in front of them.
Megumi hums in acknowledgement.
“Wanna go outside and watch?” Toge glances over at him. Megumi smiles, nods.
“Sure.”
Megumi grabs a refill before they make their way outside, only a few yards to the sand. There are groups of people littered about the expansive beach, some drunk stragglers from the party and other groups from the other houses and motels along the water. Toge leads him wordlessly to a large piece of driftwood before sitting in front of it and leaning back. Megumi sits beside him.
Their conversation is light and airy and about all Megumi’s drunk brain can handle. His drink disappears almost as quickly as it came to be, and Toge keeps trying to offer him hits off his joint. Megumi has never tried weed. He declines, and wishes he could have seen Yuuji when he got high for the first time.
The air turns crisp and cold as the sun fades beyond the horizon, painting the water and sky a brilliant pink and purple before disappearing completely. The sand is cold under Megumi’s fingers where he plays with it idly. His head somehow ends up on Toge’s shoulder, heavy and cloudy from the horrible red drink. Toge tries to offer him a hit off the joint again.
“It’ll make you feel better,” he laughs, holding it in front of Megumi’s mouth. Megumi grimaces, shaking his head.
“No way,” he says, lifting his head up. The world spins uncomfortably for a moment so he leans back into the blonde. He feels his shoulders vibrate with laughter. He’s laughing. Megumi made him laugh. He’s doing something right.
“You’re really nice, you know that?” Megumi says. Maybe Nobara was right. Maybe this is what Megumi needs. Someone nice.
Yuuji is nice.
Someone funny.
Yuuji makes him laugh until his stomach hurts.
Someone here.
Megumi feels it too suddenly, way too late, it’s coming up out of his throat oh god he’s going to vomit —
“I would really like to kiss you right now.”
Okay, not exactly vomit. Like, word vomit.
Toge is looking at him. His eyes are as wide as the weed will allow and his pupils blown. He opens his mouth but nothing comes out for a long moment. Megumi is about to chicken out, ready to blame it on the alcohol and run away when suddenly Toge leans forward and presses their lips together. Megumi doesn’t have time to be shocked—Toge’s lips are surprisingly incessant, slightly chapped and tasting of alcohol and smoke.
He’s dreamed about this moment for so long, so many times, only it didn’t happen like this. Instead he was laying in a small field, stomach full of fresh-picked strawberries and a certain pink haired boy was leaning over him to press a berry-stained kiss to his lips. They were laughing and going home and listening to music and dancing and singing and it was so real. So real so real so real, why can’t it be real?
“Are you okay?”
Toge is suddenly two feet away. Megumi reaches a hand up to his face only to find it wet with tears.
“I’m sorry,” he says automatically. “I’m sorry, I- I don’t-”
“Don’t be,” Toge says, and he smiles. It doesn’t really reach his eyes. Megumi’s lip trembles. “There’s someone else.” It’s not a question. Perceptive as always.
“Yeah.” Megumi sniffles.
A pause.
“You love him?”
Another pause.
“Yes.” Megumi pulls his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around them. The wind blows in desperately from the water, and he shivers.
“He’s lucky,” Toge says quietly. Megumi looks at him. He’s staring out at the waves, illuminated only by the moonlight. He looks back at Megumi, sees the confused knit of his brow.
“To be loved by you.”
It feels like an arrow to the heart.
The fireworks starting don’t even make him jump.
—
The summer seems to be over before it even starts. The days start to get shorter, and then rain comes in random, muggy waves. Megumi still hasn’t uttered a word to Yuuji since before the Fourth of July. He falls asleep each night staring at the photo of him by his bedside.
Classes are starting again in a few weeks. His dad took up a second job and handed him a crisp, hundred dollar bill to buy some new school supplies. Megumi just gaped at him until he gave a mere grunt and retreated to his permanently contoured spot on the couch to watch basketball.
Megumi wakes up one Friday morning, the last weekend before classes start, and rolls over in a stretch. He blinks sleepily, his eyes adjusting to the picture of Yuuji he looks at for entirely too long every morning. The aching feeling in his chest has become permanent.
He gets in the shower and tries not to think about it too much. He eats breakfast silently with his dad and tries again. He gets dressed and brushes his teeth and tries even harder. His hand hovers above the phone on his nightstand and he gives up. The phone rings for so long he wonders if Yuuji has given up, too.
“Hello?”
There’s no annoyance. No anger. Just confusion, maybe.
“Hey, Yuuji.” Megumi’s voice is quiet.
“Megumi,” Yuuji says after a moment, and Megumi can hear the smile. “It’s so nice to hear your voice. You don’t even know.”
Megumi’s eyes water immediately.
“Yours too,” he says. “I’ve missed you…I’m sor-”
“Don’t,” Yuuji cuts him off. “Don’t be. It’s okay.”
It’s not, Megumi thinks. His lip trembles.
“So, how have you been?” Yuuji is the first to break the long pause.
It feels awkward. It feels terrible and awful.
“I’ve been okay,” Megumi answers. It’s not truthful. He’s spent all summer avoiding every feeling that threatened to surface. “How…how have you been?”
“Good!” Yuuji answers, too quickly. He’s lying. Megumi can always tell when Yuuji is lying. “I’ve been really good. Busy, working a lot. Overtime and stuff.”
Megumi bites his lip. Thinks too hard. The silence stretches too long.
“Meg…? You there?”
“Yes. Sorry.” More silence. Yuuji clears his throat.
“Well, I should probably get going,” he says, his voice unreadable. “I gotta get ready for work.” Megumi panics. This is not how he wanted this call to go, like at all.
“Why have you been working so much lately?” He asks, trying to hold on to Yuuji’s voice for a bit longer. Just a bit.
“Oh, well, I uh- I took some time off this summer. So now I’m just trying to catch up on what I missed.”
Megumi frowns.
“Did you do anything fun with your time off? Visit your grandparents again?”
“No,” Yuuji replies. His voice sounds weird. “I just stayed home, mostly.” There’s something he’s not saying. Something reaches inside Megumi’s chest and twists his heart into a circus balloon animal.
“Oh…” Is his grand reply. “I’m glad you got some time for yourself, then.”
A pause. A rapid heart beat. A finger twirling the phone cord anxiously.
“The time would have been better with you."
Megumi freezes.
“What?”
His voice is small. Far away. Two thousand odd miles away.
“Nothing,” Yuuji says, annoyed. He sounds annoyed. Megumi aches all over. “It doesn’t matter, I have to go.”
“No, Yuuji, what is it? What do you mean?” Megumi’s desperate now, can feel Yuuji’s hand itching to end the call. There’s nothing he can do. He can’t do anything about it, nothing at all, he can’t fix it, so far away away, fuck-
“It’s-” Yuuji starts, lets out a breath. Megumi holds his. “Do you remember that night…like, last October?” Vague. There were a lot of nights last October. Yuuji huffs when Megumi doesn’t respond.
“You were at the bar…you called me and told me you were gonna come see me this summer.”
Megumi chokes on the breath he was holding. His heart falls beyond his stomach all the way to the fiery pit of Hell. Of course he remembers that. It’s practically all he’s thought about for the entire summer—how he should be working more to save money or checking flight prices or even just making an actual plan with Yuuji. But that would require actually picking up the phone.
“I did?” It comes out as a question unintentionally. Tears prick hot in his eyes as he tries to remember anything he did at all these past few months. But everything is blurry because all he did was think about Yuuji. No matter what he did or who he was with, the thoughts of buying a plane ticket and being in New York and running into Yuuji’s arms in the airport and Yuuji Yuuji Yuuji Yuuji were incessant.
“Yeah,” Yuuji says quietly. He doesn’t say anything else. Megumi wishes his bed would swallow him whole. His mouth opens and closes helplessly, words completely lost on his tongue for the better part of a minute. Yuuji doesn’t hang up.
“Yuuji I’m sorry-”
“Sorry, yeah I know,” Yuuji says at the same time. Megumi lets out a pathetic sounding cry. “You’re always sorry.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Megumi’s voice comes out high pitched, wretched. He knows what it means.
“Nothing,” Yuuji says anyway. Silence, aside from Megumi’s uncontrollable sniffling.
“I kissed someone on the Fourth of July.”
There is no logical reason why Megumi says this. Perhaps, he wants to be the one to put the final nail in the coffin. Push Yuuji away as far as humanly possible, surely more than two thousand odd miles away-
“Good for you, Meg.”
Not angry. Not annoyed.
Done.
Megumi’s lip trembles, the receiver carving an indent where he clutches it painfully against his face.
“Don’t hang up,” Megumi whispers despite himself.
“I have to go to work.”
“Are you busy after?”
Silence.
“…Yuuji?”
“I’ll talk to you later, Gumi.”
Finality.
“I love you,” Megumi tries. “I love you Yuuji, please know this, I love you, I love you, I love you-”
The sound of the dial tone rips Megumi’s heart right out of his chest.