Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Ten Minutes...

Sirius sat on his bed in the dorm, trying to piece together what just happened. What he had done.

Moony would never forgive him.

Never.

And Sirius would just have to come to terms with that. He has no other options, no easy-way-outs.

He lost three of the most important people to him in the span of one hour. One bloody hour.

Sirius hates himself for what he’s done. He’s not sure he can forgive himself.

But Remus?

Remus would most certainly hate him now. And if not, he would hate him in the morning, after he inevitably finds out.

Sirius had one issue with even attempting to process all of this: how much the thought of Moony hating him hurts.

And oh.

Oh, how it hurts.

And the worst part?

The worst part is that Sirius doesn’t know why.

It pulls and tugs at his heartstrings, his throat closes up, and then he feels like curling up into a ball and crying.

All because of the mere thought—no, the soon to be reality—of Remus hating him.

He leaves the dorm, heading for somewhere, anywhere, other than the dorm, or the common room, or the hallway leading to the hospital wing.

He’s decided that he would rather pitch himself off the Astronomy Tower than have Remus hate him.

Sirius is anxious. He‘s anxious because Remus’ reaction could be anywhere from hatred or disgust or disappointment or resentment.

He was, however, not expecting for it to go like this.

“Moons, I—“

“Don’t. Don’t you dare go there, Sirius.” Remus spat his name out with so much venom that Sirius recoiled like he’d been struck.

“You’ve lost the privilege to use that name. Now get out.”

Peter tried to talk him down;
“Remus, he—“

”I want him out. Now.”

Sirius left the Hospital Wing with trembling shoulders and a tear-streaked face.

He ended up atop the Astronomy Tower, trying to at least clear his muddled thoughts and soothe the tangled emotions in his chest.

Sirius’ eyes immediately flicked to Regulus(the star), and his raging mind calmed a bit.

He sat down, eyes filling with tears.

He cried sad, muffled, heartbreaking sobs.

He was vaguely aware of someone rubbing his back. Sirius chose not to look at who this person was, instead choosing to lean into them.

Sirius put his hand in his mouth, trying to prevent further sobs.

A voice broke through the crisp November air.

“It’s okay, o-or it’s going to be. Do you want me to get..someone?”

Sirius shook his head.

This person was awfully considerate. And polite, too. They didn’t ask him what was wrong, nor did they try to talk to him. They just let him cry his eyes out.

He slumped over, drained and tired.

Sirius woke up to a sun halfway up the sky and a blanket in his lap. He’d missed two classes.

It was also quite chilly. He sat there until lunch, only being interrupted by a knock at the door and a slip of parchment sliding through the door.

Lunch. Eat it.

He picks at it, sparsely eating. There’s almost no change, except for the roll missing, and a small portion of the beans gone.

He looks up at the sky, the Sun missing from the frame.

He wishes he wasn’t here to see it.

The plate is left untouched after that.

Chapter Text

Sirius stood in the Astronomy tower, replaying what had happened a week ago.

One, Sirius got his nickname privilege revoked.

Two, Sirius lost all three of his best friends, to varying degrees. Remus was gone, James was okay to be around, and Peter couldn’t even look at or talk to him without annoyance, anger, or resentment.

Three, he was now currently in the Astronomy tower, closer to the star his brother was named after.

He resorted to this after that first day.

“What do I do?” Sirius asked the sky.

He knew there would be no answer, but it helps to talk.

“There’s really no going back, huh?” Sirius huffs and pulls out a package of cigarettes and lights one of them.

He’s always relished in the way the smoke burns his throat as it reaches his lungs.

He finds it exhilarating; the burning sensation, the taste, the feeling of the cigarette between his fingers, all of it.

Sirius looks over the edge, not even the slightest bit worried about falling.

Suddenly, his eyes drift up to the moon, which is now a Waning Gibbous.

He has to fight to breathe properly as his mind starts to drift to Remus.

Sirius whines—actually, honest to god, whines— and slumps down against the railing.

He doesn’t know when the tears started, but he couldn’t care less.

All he could think about was his stupid temper and Snape and how he wishes he was never born so that way Remus wouldn’t have had to go through this.

He wouldn’t have had to go through this if you could’ve just kept your anger in check, his brain reminds unhelpfully.

He’s full on sobbing now. Sirius sobs harder when he thinks about what Remus must be going through, the anger and betrayal and sadness and whatever else he might be feeling.

He also thinks about what James and Peter are going through right now, with them being caught in the crossfire between Remus and Sirius.

He wishes he had a time turner. It would be so much easier.

When he recovers, the fag having long since burned out, he goes to light another.

“You know those are bad for you, right?”

[Regulus]

Regulus has been coming up here every night to check to see if Sirius is still here. Usually he isn’t, and more often than not, Regulus stumbles upon a hook up.

He always rolls his eyes before leaving.

Regulus felt like finding him and making sure he was ok was a necessity.

They weren’t really on good or bad terms.

They were mostly neutral when it came to talking to each other and interacting.

Which is to say, they acted like civilized human beings instead of instantly fighting.

But this was different.

Regulus has never seen his brother like this. Even when they were in that house, he’d never reacted like this.

“You know those are bad for you, right?”

Sirius doesn’t respond.

Regulus has somehow found out how to talk to his brother after months of no communication.

“Sirius, if you’re not going to talk to me then I’ll just leave.”

No response. Again.

Regulus turned to leave. He almost made it to the door when a raspy voice broke the silence of the dark, gloomy night.

“Stay.”

Regulus froze.

Why did he choose for me to stay?
When he spoke again, it was weaker.

“Please.”

This plea was quiet, almost carried away by the brisk November wind.

Regulus turned around slowly and carefully stepped forward.

He could feel Sirius’s composure breaking with each step he took.

When he got close enough to give him a hug, the dam broke. Sirius cried silently, eyes glazed over, letting himself be enveloped by Regulus’s arms.

The next day…

[Sirius]

Sirius woke up to a dark room. Why is it so dark?

Why is it so dark?

“Lumos.”

Regulus’s voice was far away. He could barely hear it over the ringing in his ears.

The wand tip’s light cut through the darkness, blinding Sirius.

He squinted when the light was pointed directly at him.

“Sirius, it’s okay, please come back to me. Please..?”

Sirius recovered when the spell stopped and a light was turned on.

He could see Regulus’s face half illuminated by the lamplight.

“Are you ok, Sirius?”

“I guess..”

Regulus pauses before continuing.

“Look, I’ve barely seen you in the halls, and you’ve yet to come to the Great Hall for food, as far as I know. Where have you gone, Sirius? This isn’t a normal fight, otherwise you wouldn’t be skipping your classes and meals.”

“I don’t want to talk about it. Please, just drop it.”

Sirius is done with talking about this and that. All he wants is his Moony back(not yours anymore, he reminds himself).

Regulus doesn’t say anything else, just plops next to Sirius on the bed and lays his head on his shoulder.

“I’ll drop it for now.”

Sirius just half-hugs Regulus as a response.

Chapter Text

Hi Readers!

Don't be scared, I'm not abandoning this or anything.

It's just that I uh Impulse-Post my fics. It doesn't help that all of them are multi chaptered and require me to lock in for the goals I've set for myself!

Yes, I'll still be writing for the affected fics, just not posting any more chapters except for one fav fic of mine.

If that goes unfinished for too long, I'll post another chapter of a different fic if I have one finished.

Trying to get at least one chapter posted on one fic each week until it's completed. Then rinse and repeat for the other three!

The order it's going to go in is TBD, but I know my most recent fic(TMTW) is going to be completed first, as it actually has a set chapter amount.

Until I can finish TMTW, everything else will be on Hiatus! Hopefully we're going to be back up and running by Hannukah/Christmas/Yule/Kwanzaa(or just December lol)!

See you at the end of this yellow brick road!