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Chapter Text

It had been over four hundred years since Jinu had heard only the sound of his own voice in his head.

It had been over four hundred years since he’d felt a flutter of something other than shame, of fear, of guilt and exhaustion and misery.

It had been over four hundred years since he’d even dared to feel hope. 

And it was all gone in an instant.

Jinu’s hand pressed against his chest where he could feel his heart thudding as though it were trying to escape as heat sang along his veins, lighting up his markings, and Gwi-Ma’s displeasure bore down on him with a weight that threatened to send him to his knees.

It hurt. 

“That’s funny,” Gwi-Ma’s voice shook the air and despite the almost amused note Jinu could tell the demon king was beyond anger and despite the flames coursing through his body ice flowed down his spine, “I thought for a moment you actually believed you could be free.”

Jinu’s attempt at a laugh and agreement sounded weak even to him and clearly Gwi-Ma didn’t appreciate the effort as the pressure increased.

“Don’t forget about our deal, Jinu,” and a gasp was torn from his lips as the markings flared with new pain and echoes of screams and cries began to rise in volume in his head.

No.

No no no.

Please.

Stop.

“Because I can turn those voices up,” Gwi-Ma threatened as the memories sank into him sharper than any knife, his sister’s cries tearing across his ears and stop, stop, make it stop.

The screams grew louder.

His breath came in sharp gasps that didn’t drown them out at all.

Jinu faintly felt himself sinking down, knees buckling at the mental and physical onslaught.

“Or—” and Jinu choked on his next breath as the worst of the pain and cries abruptly vanished, “—they can be gone. That choice is is up to you, Jinu, but,” and Gwi-Ma let out a cruel chuckle, “don’t think you can escape what you are. Don’t you even dare think that you can escape me.” 

The flames roared back with a vengeance as did the screams.

It took Jinu longer than it should to realize the scream wasn’t a memory.

It was him.

He was screaming. 

The cry tore out of his throat, raw in its agony, and he crashed fully to the ground, nails digging into his palms and sending dark, bloody crescents welling up and he tasted blood as his fangs sank into his lip in a desperate bid to keep the sound locked away.

The flames exploded.

Jinu wailed as his entire body felt like it was being engulfed by the very fire of hell and Gwi-Ma’s voice echoed in his mind for him and him alone, somehow searing even more than the fire.

“You deserve this.”

All Jinu could do was scream as the punishment — how dare he have hope, how dare he try to escape, how dare he try to break their deal, how dare he even think for a moment he was worthy of anything other than his misery and shame— continued without relief. 

Jinu had no idea how long it lasted for time became irrelevant as pain pain pain thundered through him in a way that should have killed him but Gwi-Ma was not that merciful, until it finally, finally lifted.

He remained where he was, collapsed on the ground and entire body trembling, a sob he couldn’t hold back escaping past bleeding lips and tears that felt like fire sneaking out from behind tightly closed eyes.

“Do you understand?” Gwi-Ma’s voice was almost gentle and a single tongue of fire caressed his cheek.

Jinu gave the barest nod against the ground.

He did.

What, whatever solace he’d found with Rumi, the hope from her plan…

It was gone.

It had to be gone.

He, he couldn’t… That pain… to experience that for eternity…

Gwi-Ma’s threat was not an idle one. If Jinu failed him…

He would only be able to wish for death that would never come.

And…

And yet…

“That’s the funny thing about hope,” Rumi’s voice sounded in his mind, “Nobody else gets to decide if you feel it. That choice belongs to you.”

“Oh ho,” and Gwi-Ma’s voice practically dripped with dark amusement and the flame brushing his face grew hotter in contrast to the cold prickle settling over his skin as he realized that thought had escaped.

But there was no pain accompanying the realization and that…

That didn’t scare Jinu.

That terrified him.

And that feeling only grew as he could feel Gwi-Ma exerting his power to forcibly drag Jinu upwards, slumping onto his knees and flames that felt almost like searing fingers digging into his chin and forcing him to look into the too bright flames of the demon lord. 

“You still think you can escape me,” Gwi-Ma said softly. “You think there is some future for you that you are free from your shame and misery. Oh, Jinu, how you amuse me so. But let me pose this question to you…”

The flames pulled into a smile.

“What about them?”

Jinu’s confusion lasted for all of a second as rips appeared in the air above him and four figures with glowing pink patterns and clothed in styles matching his own fell down.

No.

No. 

He wouldn’t. 

He would. 

The quiet gasps they each made as they impacted the ground — no other sound though, as they all knew showing weakness in front of Gwi-Ma only invited more pain — thudded in Jinu’s ears and he could taste the unwelcome sensation of bile on his tongue.

“No,” the word made it past his lips before he could stop it as Gwi-Ma hated to be told no. “This, this is between you and—”

He broke off with a ragged scream as his markings flared back to life with new fire and his vision momentarily grayed out.

When it came back he was listing sideways, held up only by Gwi-Ma’s powers, while Abby had struggled to his feet with fists clenched, Mystery was in a half-crouch next to Baby on his knees and Romance had shifted so he was kneeling a hand’s breadth from Jinu and poised as though ready to throw himself over his body as though that would protect him.

All it did was send a new bolt of ice down Jinu’s spine as they were only making themselves larger targets.

No one stood up to Gwi-Ma.

No one.

And he’d been the biggest fool to think he could, to think that his decisions wouldn’t once more affect everyone he loved.

All he did was fail people. 

All he did was betray them. 

Jinu didn’t even say anything before the fire was flooding through his body again and around the sensation of being burned alive he felt something else.

Hands.

Hands grabbing onto his shoulders, bruising and sharp and piercing his shirt with claws but despite the pain Jinu knew that had not been the intention at all.

“St—” he tried to get out as this was going to make it worse they had to stop, they had to get away from him, he couldn’t protect them from this.

Romance’s hands only tightened.

The pain tapered away again and for better or worse Jinu had no breath left to even try to speak, strangled exhales racking his entire body and Romance’s grip tightening to keep him upright as Gwi-Ma’s influence, for the moment, faded away.

“I do apologize,” Gwi-Ma spoke, the words not apologetic at all, “for the late night call. I know how important tomorrow’s Idol Awards are and you should be getting a good night’s rest, but there has been a development that dear Jinu has now involved all of yourselves in.”

Jinu thanked every God he’d long stopped believing in that none of the Saja Boys spoke.

His breaths, now labored wheezes, were the only sound besides the soft crackle of Gwi-Ma’s flames.

“You see,” and Gwi-Ma’s flames flared in intensity and Jinu hated that he flinched even though the marks on his skin didn’t react in kind and Romance’s hands only dug in tighter, “Jinu here had a foolish idea where he dared to believe he could doublecross me and break our deal.”

Jinu watched as Baby’s turquoise eyes widened and Mystery’s mouth parted and while he couldn’t see Abby’s face he saw his fists clench even moreso while Romance’s hands shook on his shoulders.

“I cannot even say truthfully if he even gave any thought to each of you or if you were to pawns in his path to freedom,” Gwi-Ma continued and Jinu felt a sharp spike of fear and shame flood through him that was both his and not and he grit his teeth against it, at the whisper that he would have abandoned them in a heartbeat to save himself.

But no.

That wasn’t true at all.

He, he would have told them. Tonight. He’d told Rumi they would lose and he’d have told them of the plan and he knew, he knew, that they’d have followed his lead. They wouldn’t have stood in Huntr/x’s way as they turned the honmoon gold and they remained above and safe while Gwi-Ma was sealed away for eternity. 

But he hadn’t even asked them.

He hadn’t told them at all about his meetings with Rumi, about his discoveries and budding feelings for not just the hunter but the spark of hope that had begun to ignite in his chest that there was something out there for him that wasn’t a lifetime of misery and lost memories.

That he could, even if he didn’t deserve it, be happy.

And he’d have brought them all with him.

They were his family. 

But just like his mother and sister…

He’d condemned them to death.

Or, in their case…

Something beyond even that.

His eyes lowered as the guilt pressed down.

“So that said,” Gwi-Ma continued, “I thought the best course of action was to assess the situation and determine what tools I still have at my disposal.”

Jinu did not like the sound of that. 

What did that—?

A choked scream answered that question and his head whipped upwards to see Abby falling to the ground as his patterns lit up a violent magenta.

“No!” Jinu surged to his feet with a newfound strength, throwing off Romance’s hands, even though in the back of his mind he knew he was doing exactly what Gwi-Ma wanted of him to prove his point, but if he didn’t…

Then their lives were forfeit in another way. 

Another scream — higher pitched, Baby, no no no — sounded and Jinu hadn’t even whirled on his foot towards him before Mystery’s cry was joining the sick choir as he sank fully to the ground, hands scrabbling at his own arms and sending rivulets of blood splattering as claws flickered in and out. 

“Stop it stop it!” Jinu screamed himself, taking a staggered step forward as though he had any actual ability to stop the King of the Underworld. “Leave them out of this!”

“This is your fault,” Gwi-Ma’s whisper sounded in his mind alongside the addition of Romance’s strangled gasp as the fires of hell ravaged his body. “Their pain is on your hands. Foolish, weak, Jinu.”

“Stop!” the garbled shriek tore itself free as a panic and fear that Jinu wasn’t sure he’d ever felt, not like this, clawed at his insides. “Stop! Please! Please!” 

“Show me your shame, Jinu. Your humility. Beg it of me.” 

“Please, please,” the pleas spilled over Jinu’s lips as his eyes darted frantically around the writhing frames of the closest thing he had to family, of brothers, of people who had trusted him and he’d been so selfish, he’d been such a fool, why did they have to pay the price for his weakness? “Please, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m, I’m weak and foolish and I, I beg of you,” his voice hitched as Baby let out a louder shriek, blood spilling down his chin and Jinu faintly realized he’d just bit through his tongue, “stop this. Hurt me. Just m-me. They, they didn’t know. They didn’t know. I swear they didn’t know, please, please—”

“Do they mean enough to you, Jinu? Will you trade your chance at freedom of your memories for their pathetic lives? Or…?”

A scream at a pitch Jinu wasn’t aware Abby was capable of making split the air and Abby’s entire body arched backwards on the ground, veins protruding alongside the searing marks, while Mystery made a garbled choking noise and his claws dug dangerously deep into his own neck, blood spurting.

“Yes,” the answer was out before he could even think about how dangerous deals were to make with Gwi-Ma.

But, but if he didn’t…

His sister’s cries were not going to be the only memories permanently haunting him. He’d thrown away his family once for his own selfish gains.

He could not, would not, do it again. 

The screams abruptly cut off to be replaced with gasps of pain and sobs and whimpers as glowing marks faded to dull purple.

Jinu shuddered out a breath of his own, sinking down to his knees next to Romance, his body wracked with shudders and face pressed into his arm hidden from view.

“A wise decision, Jinu. The first one you have made since you proposed this little venture of yours. Very well. You will complete the deal as discussed tomorrow. And if you fail me, if you even dare think to try to escape…”

The threat hung there, at least not accompanied with another demonstration.

Jinu bowed his head, nails digging back into already abused palms, shame and guilt overpowering the relief at the end of the torture because with his decision…

He’d just condemned them all to a lifetime of servitude to Gwi-Ma with no escape. He’d betrayed Rumi’s trust. And he’d selfishly lost his one and only chance to be free of his memories. Instead, he’d gained even more fodder that he knew Gwi-Ma would use relentlessly to punish him with.

“Now as I said,” Gwi-Ma’s voice, tinged with a mixture of victory and amusement pulled him back, “tomorrow is a very busy day for my dear Saja Boys and so with that I bid you all a good night.”

Jinu felt his markings begin to glow, the sensation of Gwi-Ma preparing to transport him back into the human world.

“And…”

Even with his eyes now closed Jinu could see Gwi-Ma’s smirk.

“The sweetest of dreams.”

But everyone knew demons didn’t dream, they only ever had nightmares visit them.

Except that this time…

Jinu was already wide awake.

And there was no escaping this nightmare. 

Chapter Text

Jinu struck the ground of their apartment with a near silent oof as the pain barely registered after what he’d just gone through.

He didn’t deserve it, but he selfishly lied there for a few moments, eyes squeezing shut and stabbing more bloodied crescents into his palms as tremors raced through him even though his human form lacked the claws of his demon one, and tried to remember how to breathe.

As he tried to figure out what the hell he did now.

Everything he’d dared to foolishly allow himself to hope for…

That dream was dead. And all he could hope for now was that he could at least protect the family he’d found from this living nightmare.

Assuming they still wanted anything to do with him and that would be all Jinu’s fault.

It was always his fault.

Another thing to atone for although no grace would ever be granted. 

Just the chance for less suffering.

That’s what being a demon was, after all. Being forced to live with their pain, their misery, because it’s what they deserved.

Except…

Jinu’s fingers dug deeper into his palms.

Except he’d just forced everyone else to suffer even more because of him. Because of his selfishness that followed him no matter how many lifetimes he’d lived. And while he wanted nothing more than to lie here, to just will it all to stop (it never stopped, Gwi-Ma would never allow such an escape), it didn’t work like that and at the very least he owed everyone answers and some of them definitely needed medical attention as while demons couldn’t die without Gwi-Ma’s permission wounds still hurt and needed treated.

He needed to get up, he needed to face them.

Jinu shuddered out an exhale and biting his lip to keep in the whimper he pushed himself up to sitting, vision graying slightly at the sudden vertigo.

But even with that there was no missing the sight of Abby near huddled up against the couch across from him, his chest heaving and eyes pinpricked and staring at something that no one else could see.

Jinu had barely shifted forward when Abby’s head jerked up to look straight at him.

“Don’t touch me.”

The words were a low growl that didn’t hide the tremble of pain from Gwi-Ma’s attacks, but it was the flash of haunted brown eyes as they met his that stopped Jinu cold in his tracks, his own eyes widening as new guilt flooded him.

He, he hadn’t even thought…

Gwi-Ma tortured them with their most painful memories and he’d just…

Just…

What had he done?

“Don’t touch me,” Abby repeated, voice shaking, and despite his size he had never looked so small, one hand outstretched as though to ward Jinu from getting closer.

Size he hadn’t always had, Jinu knew.

And while what Jinu had done to his family forever brought him shame…

What Abby had suffered, what he’d whispered out in broken snippets to Jinu over the years…

Even knowing the people responsible were dead didn’t erase those memories, those horrors, that abuse, especially when because of it Abby had been condemned to the life of a demon. They’d all made mistakes, but of them all…

Abby, so far as Jinu was concerned, hadn’t made a mistake. His actions had been justified, as much as murder could be. And yet a deal with the devil was still just that.

No demon actively sought out Gwi-Ma’s attention for the moment they did the whispers of the memories and their pain grew as he targeted them and tormented them with their past lives to feed off their misery.  Abby had avoided the demon lord’s personal attention for nearly all one hundred of his years he’d been trapped in the demon realm in his best effort to escape those horrors.

And Jinu had just forced him front and center, made him a target.

He’d been so selfish.

He’d been cruel. 

In his desperate attempt to be free of his own memories he hadn’t even thought of what he might put the others through and now…

Now once more others paid that price of his sin.

“I won’t,” Jinu kept his voice soft even as he felt his heart breaking and almost grateful everyone else seemed to be in their own measures of pain so Abby could have a moment to try to compose himself before well-meaning but too much right now concern was turned to him. 

Abby gave a jerky nod and remained where he was pressed up against the couch, as despite his clear desire to get away his body was shaking badly and while Jinu didn’t see any visible wounds he knew exactly what kind of pain his fellow demon was still in as his own body pulsed with it too.

Which speaking of…

Jinu slowly turned his head to take in the forms of the other Saja Boys sprawled in various stages about the lounge, Romance the only one who had even attempted to sit up even if his braced trembling arms gave away his own weakened state and as dark brown eyes met Jinu’s he had to look away first from the pure concern if fear-flecked gaze.

He didn’t deserve any comfort.

He didn’t deserve understanding.

His shoulders pulsed where Romance’s nails had dug in but it was a grounding sort of pain and Jinu shuddered out another breath, focusing on that as he continued his look around the room.

Mystery was lying on the ground, hands wrapped in a vice about his throat and trickles of blood weeping between his fingers, staining his shirt, and even with his eyes shadowed by hair Jinu could see the telltale tear tracks down his cheeks. Baby was curled up, his hands clamped on his opposite forearms where through the ripped through sweater blood trickled and a thin stream was dripping down his chin with more gathering along his lips, his eyes squeezed shut tight.

Baby or Mystery, Jinu silently decided on, needed the most immediate medical attention and at least unlike Abby he knew that none of the traumas running through their minds would be negatively affected by touch right now. 

“Ro?” he whispered, barely even recognizing his voice as it cracked alarmingly, as he hated himself but he couldn’t do this on his own and he didn’t deserve the help, but… “Can…?”

Romance didn’t even hesitate as got to his feet with a groan, stumbling forward a step before he caught his balance, legs visibly shaking but his eyes steady as they caught Jinu’s again and he gave a small nod and took a careful step towards Mystery. 

Jinu set his sights on Baby. 

It took him two tries to get to his feet, world swimming alarmingly and he had to pause, arms thrown out for balance in a way that made him feel even more unbalanced and pain pulsing in his head and thrumming through his veins, before he tamped it down enough to slowly move towards the smallest form, hand already reaching into his hoodie pocket and pulling the remaining scrap of his shirt of the same one he’d cut off and given to Rumi what felt like a lifetime ago.

A lifetime where he’d once thought things could be different.

But Rumi had something he never would: her mind was safe from Gwi-Ma while every thought of Jinu’s was ripe for the picking at any time. Even a hint of deceit…

His brothers were as good as dead except death would be an escape and Gwi-Ma wasn’t that merciful. 

He knelt down with a groan he barely bit back and placed a hand gently on Baby’s raised shoulder.

“Hey,” he murmured.

Baby flinched with a whimper, his hands spasming on his arms and sending another trickle of blood down. 

“Can I see?” Jinu kept his voice soft. 

Baby’s hands loosened ever so, sliding towards the opposite wrists.

Jinu used his own claws to cut back the shredded remnants of Baby’s nearest sleeve and carefully lowered the bandana down, pressing it to the ugly wounds.

Baby hissed and then whimpered but remained as still as he could as Jinu blotted at the wound, clearing away the blood, a mixture of red and black of demon and human.

They weren’t as deep as he feared, only a couple spots even still bleeding.

He made quick work of cutting through parts of Baby’s sweater further up — it was already ruined — and then using it to tie crude but effective enough for the moment bandages around the cuts.

He wished it was so easy to cover up his own sin.

He turned his attention to Baby’s remaining physical wound as while all of that would need to be spoken of now was not the time and he was grateful — and then felt sick for even thinking that because they were all in pain because of him — that right now no one was demanding answers.

The Saja Boys were just as their name described; a pride, a pack. They took care of their own.

Even if…

Jinu’s hands shook and he squeezed his eyes shut against the treacherous tears trying to make a come back and damn it, damn it damn it. 

Even now Gwi-Ma would not let him forget his shame, letting it burn and fester and remind him that part of a pack he might be, he had failed them. 

He was no leader.

He was a fake.

A selfish, selfish—

“Heenu?”

Jinu’s head jerked up at the garbled version of his name to see Baby’s bright turquoise eyes open and fixated on him, pain clear from his attempt at speaking, but his fear just as prominent.

As was his concern.

Jinu didn’t deserve it.

Why did they all keep looking at him like that?

He, he was a monster, he’d had put them in harm’s way and hadn’t even—

“Hee—”

“Don’t talk,” Jinu interrupted and Baby cut off with a sharp click of his teeth even it was followed by a muffled groan and Jinu’s guilt reared right back up. “Rest,” Jinu said softer, hoping it took the sting out of the unintended command. 

Baby’s entire expression softened in a way it shouldn’t.

Jinu had hurt him. 

He was likely going to keep hurting them now that they were all in Gwi-Ma’s line of fire. 

He really was the worst. 

But self-loathing wasn’t going to fix anything now — and it never had — and so Jinu did his best to push it aside, to focus on what he could do right now.

He tapped a finger at the very edge of Baby’s mouth and his fellow demon tentatively opened it, revealing blood-stained teeth that were no longer sharpened canines and a far more blood-coated tongue.

Jinu winced in sympathy. He’d bitten his tongue more often than he’d like to admit when he’d first been turned into a demon and he’d learned how to for the most part avoid doing so. Baby was older than him in terms of being a demon and so the fact even with all that experience he’d still managed to mangle it that badly…

He’d been in so much pain.

Pain because of Jinu because of how selfish and weak and—

He gave a sharp shake of his head to dislodge the thought and grit his own teeth.

Not now.

Just, just let him focus on this. 

He turned his bandana to the last clear patch and used it to wipe up the blood on Baby’s chin and cheeks and then pushing it into a wad lowered it onto the damaged flesh and Baby’s entire head jerked back against the floor.

“Sorry,” Jinu whispered.

He’d never stop being sorry.

“Can you hold it?” he asked instead of another apology and Baby gave the barest nod even as his hand trembled where it had slipped to his side.

Jinu guided it up and over to hold the cloth against his tongue and looked over his shoulder to check on the others.

Abby was still pressed against the couch but he’d folded his upper body over his knees, hugging them in close and face hiding, and while he was still shaking it didn’t look to be as bad as before.

Romance and Mystery were both sitting, Mystery propped up against the ottoman, with his head tilted back while Romance wound what had once been a blanket inside said ottoman in strips around his bloodied neck.

Both of their hands were trembling and another tear was dripping down Mystery’s cheek while his teeth — not fangs, at least — were nearly embedded in his lip as Romance continued his rudimentary first aid.

Jinu rose back to his feet and plodded for the small kitchenette of their apartment.

It was a small thing, honestly too small for five people, with just one bedroom and one small bathroom and the living room and kitchen, but compared to the cave they’d literally carved out for themselves in the demon realm it was luxury upon luxury.

And right now the most important one was the fresh, clean water resting in easily packaged bottles in the large appliance that humans had invented that kept things cool. Water was hard to come by in the demon realm and clean water nearly impossible. 

Demons couldn’t technically die from drinking the contaminated water that flowed through the only river in the land, but it could make them sick to where sometimes it was a gamble as to whether it was even worth it. But while they didn’t need food or water to keep living, they did need it if they wanted to stay alive. 

Only Gwi-Ma could permanently kill a demon —  burn their body and soul with his flames — but if other demons killed their own — in which their bodies would eventually regenerate — they gained power, gained strength, and the stronger a demon was the less hellish their eternity in Gwi-Ma’s realm tended to be.

Demons that had once been human were naturally at the top of the chain as their souls were strongest, were the most sought after, and it had been that fact that had eventually led Jinu to tentatively form a truce with Baby — nearly fifty years after he’d been in the demon realm and seventy for Baby.

It had been the beginning of the Saja Boys as although Jinu had not sought out the other members they had come into his life in different ways and unlike most of the human-demons below, even with his own soul corrupted and Gwi-Ma’s whispers always in his head, Jinu had seen it in all of them and they in him: they still had their humanity.

So they needed water, even if the consequences of drinking it, of eating rancid meat and scraps — in a way that had Jinu’s stomach always clenching for different reasons — could result in high fevers or sickness, but he supposed it was just another way for Gwi-Ma to punish them and delight in their pain.

The water here though in the human world was always clean, always safe. 

They would have to enjoy it while they could because after the concert tomorrow night they’d be back in the demon realm for eternity and Jinu knew that he at least would never be allowed on the surface again.

A punishment he deserved for all of his failings. 

But the others…

His hand shook on the handle.

Focus.

He grabbed five bottles and the first bowl he spotted on the counter and just as slowly made his way back, the pain along his patterns faded mostly now to a dull throb but still aching with every breath.

He bent down and placed two by Romance and Mystery’s knees, deposited another plus the bowl next to Baby with the soft command of, “rinse,” and then far more carefully approached Abby.

He saw the other boy stiffen but he did nothing else as Jinu set the water down near but not quite next to him with a quiet, “here,” and he then retreated with the last remaining bottle clutched in his hand to sink back to the floor — he didn’t deserve to sit on the couch, nestled in comfort — a few paces from Baby where he could see everyone in the room.

The only sound that broke it was the dull crackle of plastic, the faint sounds of swallowing and the even quieter last whimpers of pain as they all slowly pulled themselves back together.

Jinu knew he needed to say something.

He didn’t even know where to begin.

His throat felt dry despite the entire bottle he’d just drained, his entire body heavy with something beyond exhaustion.

Hopelessness, he identified it.

He felt hopeless.

He’d often felt that way, the weight almost bearable, but now, having experienced for even the briefest of moments a sense of freedom…

It felt suffocating.

He didn’t know how to face them. 

He had to.

They deserved that.

And, at the very least, he could start with…

“I’m sorry.”

He barely heard the whisper from his own lips, eyes focused intently on his hands clutching the empty bottle, traces of Baby’s blood smeared on his fingers. As quiet as it was he knew they’d all heard as he could feel eyes upon him, remaining silent.

Waiting.

He swallowed and said it again.

“I’m sorry. I, I know that isn’t even close to a proper apology for, for what I did, but I am. I’m so sorry. I have a lot to explain even if,” and the sound that came out of his throat was equal parts sob and laugh because all of it had been for nothing and he’d made it worse, “if it doesn’t matter anymore.”

It couldn’t matter anymore.

But…

He forced himself to look up and was equal parts alarmed and relieved to see Romance and Baby’s eyes looking at him, Mystery’s head at least angled in his direction, and Abby had opened up one eye, the other still hidden by his knees and arms wrapped around them, and none of them…

None of them looked angry.

Confused, hurt, still in pain, and concerned, but not angry.

It helped and yet it didn’t because he deserved their hate, their rage, their blame. 

This felt wrong.

“But,” Jinu licked his lips, “I, I need you to know that what Gwi-Ma said… that wasn’t true. About not thinking about you. If, if it had worked… you’d have been safe too. I promise. I wouldn’t,” his voice hitched, “have left you behind. I swear. And I was going to tell you tonight. I promise. I, I just…”

Everything had gone so wrong so fast and Jinu needed to explain everything, but…

But the exhaustion was pressing heavier and heavier and everything still hurt and none of them were in any condition for this sort of conversation and per Gwi-Ma’s words the plan was to proceed as originally outlined which meant he would not be disturbing them again tonight and they all needed the rest.

It was the coward’s way out, but Jinu was a selfish coward so he couldn’t say he was surprised.

“Tomorrow,” he whispered, back to looking down. “I’ll, I’ll tell you everything tomorrow. But,” and the tremble that wracked his hands wasn’t exaggerated in the slightest, “I think, right now, we all need to rest.”

The silence continued.

Jinu could feel his shoulders curling in.

“Agreed,” Romance’s voice was a rasp of what it normally was but it was calm and Jinu tried to draw what little strength he could from it.

No one else said anything.

Jinu gave a small nod. “Myst, Baby, take the bed,” he gently ordered. “No arguments.”

Their apartment had a single bed, a decent sized one that fit two of them comfortably (although if Abby was the other person unless it was Baby it was a bit of a tighter fit) that they’d been on rotation schedule for to indulge in one of the human world luxuries of comfort. And tonight — everyone had the schedule long memorized — was supposed to be Romance and Abby, but not only did Jinu want the two most physically injured members resting as comfortably as possible… he knew that would be the last thing Abby would want right now.

His heart felt like it was breaking all over again as Abby looked at him, something not quite readable on his face but a mixture of relief and fear flitting through his eyes that had still not lost that haunted look.

“Abby, you’ve got the couch,” Jinu continued. “Ro, chair,” being the big squishy one that was too short on its own for anyone other than Baby who curled up like a cat on its singular large cushion, but with the ottoman was relatively comfortable and, most importantly, angled far enough from the couch that Abby shouldn’t feel crowded. 

And that left Jinu with the sleeping bag pile, which depending on which Saja Boy had it rotated about the room and, one time, had even made it into the bathtub as Romance had claimed it was comfiest in there. 

“Jinu,” Romance said his name as though he was about to protest, “I—”

“No arguments,” Jinu repeated.

He knew, technically, of them all Romance would be the one least affected by the mental onslaught as he’d long come to terms with what he’d sold his soul for and while painful, while hurtful, he had nothing to be ashamed for by it.

He’d tried to save someone.

Jinu had only saved himself. 

But Jinu deserved nothing. If it wouldn’t have raised no doubt further protest he would have forgone the sleeping bags entirely and slept on the cold, tile floor.

The next few seconds were filled with the soft sounds of whimpers as aching bodies pulled themselves up, Jinu helping steady Baby who despite his hundreds of years looked so young as he wrapped his bandaged arms about himself and shuffled for the bedroom, Mystery’s head down and silently following.

They left the door open.

Romance sank into the chair with a small, grateful sigh and Jinu stumbled back to his own feet, making his way towards the sleeping bag pile but watching Abby in his peripheral as the boy remained in his hunched sit.

A moment later though he shuddered out a breath and, uncurling as slowly as a flower first opening its petals to the morning sun, shifted onto the couch even if his body remained a hard, tense line despite the relatively comfortable cushions. 

He shuddered a moment later, eyes squeezing shut tight along with his hands curling into his fists.

And no, Jinu realized.

Not just a shudder.

A shiver. 

A flash of movement in the other direction had his head whipping towards where Romance was sitting…

And holding out a blanket from their small collection, the only other one now halved for Mystery’s bandages and what Romance had flipped over his own lap, a silent question in his piercing gaze.

Jinu took it with a silent nod of thanks.

He knew his own actions were confusing enough on their own but the others hadn’t ever seen Abby like this and it had to be scaring them too.

It scared Jinu too to know that because of him…

This could be their future.

He knew he’d lost his own hope to forget his memories with his failure, but… 

But maybe Gwi-Ma would consider, if everything went as he envisioned and they condemned humanity and he had all the souls he could ever desire, he would take some modicum of pity on them.

It was a foolish hope, but it was the only one Jinu had left to cling to.

He took a careful step towards Abby, close enough to hand the blanket off but no further and softly called out the younger boy’s name.

Abby’s eyes flew open.

Jinu repeated Romance’s silent gesture.

And after a few seconds Abby slowly reached his hand out and Jinu just as slowly transferred the blanket into it.

“Rest,” he murmured. 

And while Abby didn’t smile Jinu liked to think his expression evened out some and he gave a nod, relaxing even more as he pulled the blanket over himself as best he could.

Jinu returned to the sleeping bag pile, adjusting it so he had a clear view of the room and its two other occupants and the open bedroom door, while also the high window with its star-studded night sky. 

He wasn’t sure how much sleep he was going to be capable of, but until a new round of nightmares claimed him, he would sit here, relishing in his last night of clear skies and taste of freedom, keeping watch on his family for what little he could do to protect them.

It was the least a selfish, foolish failure like him could do. 

Chapter Text

Jinu didn’t remember falling asleep but he must have as he was definitely waking up to the soft sounds of someone in the kitchen and the more muted sound of the shower running.

He slowly blinked open his eyes, wincing at the sunlight streaming in and telling him it was far later in the morning than he’d planned to get up, but clearly his body had needed the rest and given what the future held…

He supposed it was okay he’d had one last night of sleep, spared even from the worst nightmares as there was nothing at present worse than the one he was living.

And it was going to get worse.

After tonight…

All hope was gone and there was nothing Jinu could do to stop it.

But it was time to face it.

Yet Jinu’s glance around the room revealed he could put the conversation off for just a little longer as someone — he’d assume Romance given the sheer amount of steam sneaking out from beneath the bathroom door and Romance took the hottest, longest showers of them all — was in the shower, there was no movement still from the bedroom and…

And Abby was the one in the kitchen.

Jinu watched quietly as Abby — steadier looking than yesterday even if he’d swapped out his half-done button up shirt for one of Baby’s oversized sweaters that on him just barely fit — skillfully cracked eggs into a bowl and whisked them while what he was identifying now as the scent of bacon fried in a pan on the stove.

Jinu pressed a hand to his stomach before it could sound a traitorous gurgle and give himself away, guilt swimming to fill it a moment later as it did whenever he found himself on the cusp of a hot meal.

His sister and mother had starved to death while he’d gorged himself on palace delicacies and he didn’t deserve anything more than scraps. And in the demon world that’s all he allowed himself, a punishment all unto himself, but up here it was harder to ignore especially as with more food to go around it was more obvious if he didn’t partake.

And seeing the knowing and pain in his brothers eyes when he did so hurt almost as much as the memories.

It’d have been easier if none of them knew how to cook so Jinu could have used it as an excuse, but for better or worse both Abby and Baby knew their way around a kitchen — even if Baby was struggling with some of the newer technology. And while Jinu knew both of them carried trauma for the reasons of why that was, he’d also seen the way Baby’s eyes would grow soft when someone ate his food and the pride (always followed by guilt that Jinu hated he understood) he took in making sure they had full plates, or the way Abby found comfort in cooking because the kitchen had been a safe place where his step-father had not ventured.

And Jinu wished he could let Abby have that quiet moment of solitude but given everything that had happened it would probably be for the best if they could speak, just for a moment, before the others were summoned by the scent of breakfast.

He stood with a louder than needed rustle of the sleeping bags to alert Abby he was awake and based on the way he saw broad shoulders stiffen it had been heard and the groan he made — body aching but moreso now from the sleeping position than Gwi-Ma’s punishment — as he stretched confirmed his presence. 

He still paused on the threshold into the kitchen, socked toes curling on the slight elevation change between the tiles, and let out a soft, “Hey.”

“...hey,” Abby said after a moment, voice abnormally quiet and hoarse.

Jinu discovered why a moment later as he took that as an invitation to draw closer and saw that Abby’s eyes were red-rimmed and there was the faintest remnant of dried tears on his cheeks.

Jinu felt a new pulse of guilt that apparently Abby had been crying at some point overnight or this morning and he hadn’t even heard him. 

Asking him if he was okay was a level of idiocy he generally held in reserve for Romance’s antics and so Jinu went with the safest line he could think of.

“Need help?”

Abby let out almost a snort and his gaze flicked over to meet Jinu’s, no longer haunted or pinpricked and the memories for now at least banished back into his mind and the sarcastic query of, “From you?” almost sounded normal.

Almost.

“I’m fine,” he muttered, turning back to the pan of what Jinu discovered were scrambled eggs, although whether he was referring to his breakfast prep or his feelings was a toss up.

“Ab—”

“I said I’m fine,” Abby’s hand became white-knuckled on the pan’s handle, voice low and dangerous, and definitely now talking about himself.

And Jinu could drop it. He should drop it.

But…

Abby was still hurting. And for whatever today posed, if somehow this was the end in a different way than Gwi-Ma was envisioning for the human world and Jinu lost his chance to apologize for what he’d done…

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly and Abby stiffened. “I’m sorry that you had to—”

“Jinu, please,” and Abby’s voice cracked. “Don’t. Please, don’t.”

Jinu pressed his lips together, heart aching and wanting, needing, to say more, but… but now that Abby had requested he drop it then he would only be doing it for his own selfish needs, so he bowed his head, saying nothing else as the last thing he wanted to do was hurt Abby more.

Even if all he did was hurt people.

He was such a failure. 

He was so selfish. 

And then Jinu gasped as a pair of muscular arms wrapped around him in a desperate feeling hug. 

Even though Abby had several inches on Jinu he somehow tucked his head up so it was pressed into his shoulder, hiding his face, and seemingly shrinking before his very eyes and reminding Jinu that despite Abby’s appearance and years spent as a demon he really was just a barely twenty-year-old kid who had suffered far, far too much.

Jinu slowly, carefully, lifted a single arm to wrap around Abby’s back and up towards his hair, carding his fingers through the short locks and held him, snug but not tight, allowing Abby to pull back at any point he needed to. 

He held Abby, feeling heavy breaths that were not quite sobs against his neck, until there was a strange, almost violent sounding popping noise from the stove a minute later and Abby abruptly released him to save the eggs with a curse. Jinu responsibly remained off to the side as his attempts at help would likely only make things worse.

All was quiet for another minute, but not the uncomfortable silence of before, until Abby broke it.

“Do they…?” Abby was barely audible, his gaze angled down on breakfast and hand white-knuckled around the pan handle. 

“I think everyone’s concerned,” Jinu answered honestly and he hated that Abby flinched but for as out of it as Mystery and Baby were last night they had all lived far too many years to not realize something was very, very wrong with one of their pack and seeing Abby in a full on sweater would not assist in that thought. “But no. They don’t. That’s your story, Abby, if you ever want to share it.”

“Thank you,” came the whisper, to which Jinu shook his head, refuting it.

That was nothing to thank him for.

He watched Abby take a breath, centering himself.

And then, whirling around with a grin that didn’t quite meet his eyes, bellowed, “Breakfast’s ready!”

Jinu realized he’d been mistaken in thinking Baby and Mystery were still asleep as they near teleported out of the bedroom, clearly waiting for a signal from Abby to approach, and the bathroom door slammed dramatically open along with a billow of steam and an overwhelming cloud of the rose-scented conditioner Romance insisted on using.

Jinu found his lips pulling into a small smile even as he rolled his eyes as the Saja Boys descended upon the kitchen — color restored to their cheeks, bandages shed and clean, fresh clothes on — with plates being pushed into hands in a familiar scramble as they stood in a circle, shoulder to shoulder to eat, and Jinu quietly accepted his, waiting even as his stomach growled impatiently, for everyone to help themselves first before he took a small serving.

Just a taste.

That was all he deserved.

“Jinu, eat,” and Baby pointed his chopsticks at him as his eyes raked over the barely couple bites as though knowing what was going through Jinu’s head.

He supposed they all did.

Baby most of all though, understanding in a way only a fellow older brother could.

But—

“No arguments,” Romance parroted back his words from last night with a smirk and Jinu had to fight the urge to childishly stick his tongue out at him, before his expression sobered, “I think we’re all gonna need our strength today.”

Jinu felt his eyes drop at the reminder.

He still had to tell them what had happened with Rumi, with Gwi-Ma and what new deal he’d struck with Gwi-Ma as they had screamed and writhed in agony around him. 

The eggs got stuck in his throat.

“Eat,” Mystery’s voice was soft, his head tilted as he looked at Jinu that even without a direct sightline made Jinu feel exposed under what he knew was a half icy gaze, as one of Mystery’s eyes remained white-blue even when in demon form.

Jinu mechanically did so and even knowing this would be his last homecooked meal he couldn’t enjoy it. The lighthearted clamor that had come with the announcement of breakfast had faded away as well, leaving the entire room feeling dark and dull even with the sunlight still streaming in.

All too soon the small reprieve of breakfast was over as plates were scraped clean and everyone as one moved towards the lounge space — Abby sitting on the very edge of the chair while the other three squeezed in on the couch with Baby sandwiched and the lack of protest only highlighted how wrong everything was — and Jinu stood in front of them, hands curled into tight fists and he fought not to carve more crescents into his palms.

No distractions.

He owed them the truth.

Everything. 

And words spilled like vomit over Jinu’s lips.

He told them about discovering Rumi had demon patterns.

About how despite having them she didn’t hear Gwi-Ma.

About their meetings.

About her plan of the gold honmoon that would seal Gwi-Ma and all demons away for eternity.

About how Gwi-Ma discovered her existence because of Jinu and he’d been instructed to find her shame, her weakness, so Gwi-Ma could use it.

About how she’d made him feel… she’d made him feel hope. 

And he thought he… he might be…

Falling in love was cliche, he knew that, but every time he looked upon her and the way she had begun to look at him…

At the way she had defended him — even if he’d lied to her, he hadn’t told her the full truth, she didn’t know how selfish he truly was — and it had made him feel…

Feel human.

He told them about how she’d confided in him how he brought her comfort, how her voice had been fading as she covered up her growing demon marks — her shame, hiding them from her friends and the guilt eating her alive — but speaking with him had brought it back.

How…

He’d flushed.

How they’d sang together and he’d felt free. 

How for the first time since he’d become a demon Gwi-Ma’s voice had been absent from his head.

And he’d…

He’d agreed to help her. He’d told her that the Saja Boys would lose at the Idol Awards so that the hunters could turn the honmoon gold and it would not only remove Rumi’s demon patterns but on this side of it…

All of them could be safe.

They could be free. 

And then Gwi-Ma had summoned him, discovered his treachery and…

And now Jinu had made them all targets. 

He’d made a new deal, he whispered, when Gwi-Ma had been… been punishing them.

He squeezed his eyes shut as though that could stop the memory of their shrieks of pain, of the way their bodies had writhed and marks had glowed with demonic fire as Gwi-Ma had hurt them because it hurt Jinu.

It wasn’t fair.

Nothing ever was.

Even the first deal had been pure selfishness. It had only benefitted Jinu, only erased his memories, while his brothers… they had agreed to help him for no other reason than that they wanted to ease Jinu’s suffering in whatever way they could.

He’d been so selfish. 

And somehow he’d become even more so.

The new deal, Jinu licked his lips, was that his memories were off the table.

Now it was their lives. 

If Jinu didn’t complete the plan then what Gwi-Ma had done to them yesterday would be just a taste of what the rest of their lives would look like. Eternal suffering of their memories, their horrors, all accompanied with pain beyond description until, maybe, Gwi-Ma grew bored and finally, finally disposed of them.

Every face in the room had paled and Baby had bit down on his lip and Abby was subtly trembling again, hands white knuckled on his thighs.

Jinu would die a thousand times over if he could spare them from that but it was out of his hands. The only thing he could even try to control now was how much pain they suffered and so…

So there was only one choice.

The plan had to succeed. 

Because if it didn’t… 

“I’m sorry,” Jinu said into the painful quiet as he finished. “I’m so sorry. I…”

His nails dug painfully back into his palms and his eyes were hot with tears he had no right to cry.

All of this was his fault.

He’d endangered his family.

He was going to betray Rumi.

All because he’d been too weak, too selfish, to just stick with the original plan. He should have never pursued Rumi, shouldn’t have let his curiosity get the better of him. And yes, he knew what Gwi-Ma wanted was wrong,  he knew how many people would be sacrificed, but he’d long come to terms with that was just how life was and there was nothing he could do about it and he’d been as selfish as he always had been in trying to at least make his own life more bearable.

But for the briefest moment he’d been in a position to actually make a difference to help not just himself but to help others, to be the person that he’d been once upon time who had done what he had to try to help his family. And while Rumi didn’t know the whole story, of what his selfishness had lead to, his original deal with Gwi-Ma… it hadn’t been for glory, it hadn’t been just for himself.

It had been for them.

He’d done it to help.

To protect.

There was a flicker in his chest, something almost comforting.

Something hopeful.

And it disappeared as soon as it showed as shame and fear crashed back down because in the end his intentions hadn’t mattered because it was his actions that told the true story and that was one of betrayal and pain and selfishness and he was just repeating that sick history in even more horrible ways and if Gwi-Ma caught even a whisper of his hope again…

It was over.

His stomach clenched at the whiplash and he swallowed thickly against the taste of acidic bile. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered again.

He could never be sorry enough.

Life in the demon world was horrible, but… but they’d had each other. They’d had glimpses of happiness, short-lived as it tended to be, they’d found family and a purpose and support to weather through Gwi-Ma’s games and anger.

And Jinu’s selfishness had just taken the little sliver that could be considered living away.

He bowed his head, awaiting their judgement and hate.

Instead a pair of arms wrapped around his chest and Jinu’s vision was filled with Baby’s soft aqua hair brushing against his chin and he stiffened, went to step back as a hug was the last thing he deserved right now—

“Fuck it, Jinu,” Baby mumbled against him, “just accept it.”

Accept—?

And another pair of arms encircled him from the side as Romance joined in and then Mystery was there on his other side and he heard Abby shudder out a breath and then large arms were reaching around all of them, not quite as tight as Abby normally grabbed them and tried to lift them all up in one go — to always indignant squawks from Baby and protests about his hair from Romance — but it was enough.

Jinu’s eyes stung.

They, they…

“Guys—”

“Shut up and let us hug you,” Romance cut him off, punctuating it with an almost painful squeeze. “Idiot.”

Jinu lost the battle with his tears and he felt one start a drip down his cheek, followed by another.

Rumi had thought demons didn’t feel?

All Jinu could do was feel.

The shame was still there, the fear ever growing and cold, but there was something else there now too. Something safe and comforting and peaceful and kind and Jinu didn’t let himself accept comfort — he didn’t deserve it — but this time…

This time…

A sob clawed its way free before he could stop it and all of the hands tightened in kind.

Safe, they whispered.

We’re here.

You’re not alone.

We aren’t leaving you.

You deserve comfort. 

And no matter what happened…

They would face it together.