Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Saparata’s world had flipped completely upside down in mere seconds.

There was so much blood, all over the table and the seats and the floor, and so much screaming. Of pain, of surprise, of anger. Immediately, it was all too much.

“I didn’t do that, I didn’t do that,” left Saps’s mouth the second his brain processed what had just happened as he stared at the dead bodies with wide eyes, shock and fear coursing through his veins, because he knew how it looked; multiple nation leaders dying in Saps’s own building, dripstone above each seat but his own.

He ran out of the building, body shaking, breath uneven as he tried his best to calm down and try to understand how this could’ve happened.

“We have to find him!”
“Hunt him down!”
“Kill him! Kill Saps!”

That’s when he knew he needed to get out of there. So he did, getting in a boat and swimming until he hit land, not daring to stop and look back for even a second.

He didn’t want to die. But he also felt like it was the only way out of this mess. Thoughts like that started lingering in his mind alongside a million other things.

Seraphim_Here was slain by Jamminhead

As Saps read the chat, he thought, it had to be her, right? She set up the trap in the roof, didn’t she? Or, she activated it at the very least. She’d killed Jophiel, so it would make sense if she wanted to kill the rest of the island 2 leaders as well, right?

He felt intensely paranoid from the moment he heard the others shouting about murdering him. Always felt like someone was watching and would attack at any moment.

Saps had agreed to a trial. It was the only way he could’ve proven himself innocent.

The trial was a blur, though. He said his speech and seemed confident and collected for the most part, but he didn’t feel like he was fully there. Like he wasn’t exactly Saparata right now, just watching, not completely in his body, as he spoke.

It clicked, then, as he talked, that it must’ve been Flux and his group. It really couldn’t’ve been anyone else.

Fluixon betrayed him. All he was was his scapegoat, so that Saps was the one to blame, not Flux himself, or anyone from his group.

The thought - well, fact - made him nauseous. 

He was found guilty. Right away, the judge said so. It didn’t make sense. He’d never been on trial before, but it didn’t.

Adrenaline took over his body and he ran, because he knew he’d be hunted. He was getting chased and hit and shot at and somehow managed to get away anyways.

Everyone was out to get him. His name was paired with “kill on sight” to anyone who heard it. He couldn’t trust anyone at all.

He swam. He swam and he swam, with no plan in mind, until he saw the Luminara bridge. The border had dropped today, so maybe he could hide away on the poor island.

Saps successfully snuck past some of the builders of the bridge, and though he was spotted and was almost killed, he managed to get away and swim to the other island in his boat.

I’ll find a nation to join, he thought. The poor island didn’t know who he was, they shouldn’t. If he was part of a nation, he could be protected.

He ran into Turntapp - who agreed for him to stay at the Covenant in exchange for some diamonds. But, apparently, his people despise rich islanders, and would just kill him right away.

So he went to Nevermore, but was told by a citizen that their leader just killed themself and he isn’t welcome there.

Then he tried Al Qarasina, but they were so prepared to kill him that they had a trap set and ready.

So he really couldn’t trust anyone.

He needed a place to stay, somewhere where he’d be all alone and no one could hurt him. There had to be an uninhabited place on the poor island, surely.

There was - the icy, cold, snowy mountains. No nations or loners lived there; not that he could see, at least.

He was the only person for hundreds of thousands of blocks around.

He stood rooted in his spot for hours, ignoring the growing ache in his legs as he watched the sun slowly but surely set. It all felt so unreal. So much had happened in so little time. He went from an apolitical, neutral, no-enemies and generally welcomed guy, to the number one wanted person across all land and a convicted mass-murderer. He just couldn’t wrap his head around it.

It wasn’t dark yet, but the ache had become unbearable enough that he opted for sitting down, keeping his eyes on the sun. He felt that if he moved, someone, whoever that is, would see him and kill him.

Once the sky was painted a dark, dark color, he could see the stars clearly. It was a cloudy night.

Saps had been on the run from the entire world. He went on trial for someone else’s crimes and lost. He nearly died more times than he could count on both of his hands. He was forced to leave his home and everyone and everything he knew behind.

There was not a single place in this world that was truly safe for Saparata. He felt like someone was going to jump out from behind him and try to murder him all the time.

And it was all because of Flux.

His own friend, someone he grew close to, loved, and knew - at least he thought he did.

He felt like he couldn’t take it anymore.

He began to mindlessly build a tower. It didn’t take too long to do so.

Everyone wanted to kill him. Every single person in the world wanted him dead.

What was the point anymore? What was the point of fighting back? He had no chance against hundreds and hundreds of people.

And as he stood atop of his build, his armor thrown to the floor, and stared down at the ground, he wondered what his final words should be. No one was going to hear them, no one was going to care about what he had to say.

He thought of Fluixon, when they’d just met. He thought of the endless days and nights they spent together, talking and laughing. His violet eyes and smooth voice that he once was so fond of and now felt nothing but anger and resentment towards.

He was just about to jump. He made the tower just tall enough that falling off with no armour on would be fatal.

He closed his eyes. A deep breath in. He held it, one, two, three, four, five… and a deep breath out.

He wasn’t going to let anyone kill him. He’s innocent. Dying is the easy way out, and he’d rather die on his own accord.

Goodbye.

Saps let his body go numb as he leaned forward, forward, forward and then fell, head-first.

All it did was make him go down to just a few hearts.

And get a concussion.

*

Today was the day Saparata attempted to take his own life.

Today was the day Saparata was supposed to die.

Today was the day Saparata proved that math wasn’t his strong suit, because the tower wasn’t tall enough to kill him.

Today was a day Saparata wouldn’t remember.

Not for a while, at the very least.

Chapter Text

Fluixon had some poor islanders report to him that they saw Saparata heading to the mountains. It was early in the morning, or maybe very deep into the night, but either way, the sun hadn’t risen yet. It was dark and chilly and not many people were out and about.

Bingo, he thought. Looks like Saps wasn’t as sneaky as he thought he was. If he was going to die, he would be more than happy for it to happen by his own doing.

He took Thomas and Gotoga with him, just in case. Though, as the snow began crunching below their feet, Flux asked the two to stay behind, but close enough so that they’d hear him if he called out once he took notice of Saps.

“I want to deal with him myself,” he said, voice betraying not even a drop of emotion.

They walked until a tower and a handful of torches were visible in the distance. This is where Flux’s teammates stopped, and Fluixon’s steps gained more speed. The night time and the snow covering the ground for hundreds of blocks around made everything feel so much quieter.

This has to be Saps’s, Flux though, staring at the build.

As he inched closer, he noticed a figure, as white as the snow surrounding it, save for the bright red pool of blood it laid in.

Flux froze in his spot. He looked at the tower, the height of it. Then at the figure - Saps.

He forced his legs to move, and now stood a few feet away from the body that lay still on the ground on his stomach. The blood wasn’t fresh, meaning it had already been some time since Saps… got injured.

But… there was no death message in the chat. He would’ve seen one. That means…

He’s still alive?

He’s still alive.

Flux came closer and kneeled down beside Saps. He barely registered the cold and wet feeling on his knees.

I should finish him off, right now. It’s not like he could fight back, was the first thing that came to mind. He just tried to kill himself, was the second.

He slowly turned Saparata over to lay on his back. The blood had come from his head, a fair amount of it had dried on his forehead, neck and back of his ears. His breathing was shallow. He brought two fingers to the pulsepoint on his neck - it seemed unsteady and slower than it would be regularly. He would’ve been surprised if it was a regular heartbeat.

It’s like it hit him what he was doing as he ripped his fingers away and moved back. He’d betrayed this guy, made everyone hate him, think of him as a murderer.

He was also his friend. Someone he spent a good chunk of his time with at the beginning. Someone he could lower his guard around, just a little, and someone he loved, something he could only ever whisper so quietly even Saps almost missed it.

I can’t think like that, I can’t be weak, he told himself. He should hate this man - he did, but apparently, not enough.

“Saps,” he said, but his voice came out much too quiet. He cleared his throat. “Saparata,” he tried again, voice louder, steady.

He shook him by the shoulder ever so slightly. Then again, but harder.

Saparata’s eyes opened slowly and darted around before slowly focusing on Flux’s eyes. Fluixon moved his hands away immediately. He swore he could see Saps’s pupils dilate.

“Hey, Flux,” he murmured,  sitting up and letting out a grunt of pain, bringing up a hand to his head. A shiver ran through his body; it was very, very cold. “Man, my head is killing me…”
His vision was a little blurred and he could hear a faint ringing in his ears. His head and neck hurt like hell, as well as the rest of his body, especially his chest and wrist, too. He increasingly felt more and more nauseous, and felt really confused because he didn’t know what he was doing on the ground, in the snow, so in pain with a pool of blood on the ground and his friend acting weird.

Flux was frozen, rooted in his spot, still kneeling, staring at Saps, a giant mush of all sorts of feelings in his chest and lots of thoughts racing in his head.

“Flux, what’s wrong?” he mumbled, now mirroring Fluixon’s position, his hands on his sides, supporting him, shifting his weight onto the wrist that wasn’t aching as heavily. “How’d we get… here? Where… where even are we?”

Fluixon wanted to say something, anything, but nothing came out of his mouth. This was very unusual for him.

Then, Saps looked like he was about to speak again, but moved a quick hand to cover his mouth as he turned away to the side and vomited. Flux moved to put a hesitant hand on his back. It felt all too natural and uncomfortable all at once, like he missed touching Saps but also really, really didn’t.

Saparata coughed, wiping his mouth as he finished throwing up. He mumbled something incoherent and laughed. It was a quiet, unstable yet honest sound. He moved to look into Flux’s eyes again, and since his hand had been on Saps’s back, their faces were too close for comfort. Fluixon’s comfort, to be exact. Saps seemed to have no problem with this.

He must’ve hit his head pretty hard if he’s not running away from me. Maybe he’s got a concussion, Flux thought.

Another rough shiver ran through Saparata’s body.

“I’m cold… can we get out of here?” He sounded so… weak. Fragile. Like his only worry was the pain he felt, like he didn’t know every person in the world was out to get him.

“Yeah,” Flux mumbled, the world leaving his mouth before he could think about it. He cleared his throat. “Can you stand?”

“Maybe…” he nodded, as he moved his body upright and tried standing, very visibly uneven on his feet. “I feel dizzy.”

Flux stood quickly, putting an arm around Saps’s shoulder as he was about to fall

“Thanks,” he muttered.

“Let’s go. My… friends. Are waiting.”

So the two started walking, Saps depending on Flux to be kept upright and stable. It was painstakingly slow, and Flux regretted helping him at all because he’d much rather sprint, or even walk at a normal speed, scoffing quietly.

They reached Thomas and Gotoga, who both gave Flux very confused glances.
“I’m taking him prisoner. It won’t be fun or satisfying to kill him when he’s… like this,” he whispered. He wasn’t sure if he believed himself. It sure didn’t look like he was taking him prisoner - more as if he was helping him, but the two decided not to question him.

*

Flux may have started acting stupid since he saw Saparata a few hours after his suicide attempt, with a concussion, probably a broken rib or two, sprained wrist and most obviously memory loss. He couldn’t remember how he ended up so battered, or how he ended up on the snowy mountains on the poor island, or that everyone was out to get him. It’s as if his brain chose to only keep the good memories from the very beginning, because he was acting all friendly and touchy with Fluixon. But Flux wasn’t stupid enough to let him stay at their underground base, in case he remembers it later, once his memories come back to him. He couldn’t let his guard down, at least not too much.

He wasn’t sure what to do with Saps once they left the mountains. He lowered him down with a little too much care as he stepped to the side to discuss the situation with his teammates, explaining how he’d, from what he could tell, jumped off of some tower he built to try and kill himself, which didn’t work and instead left him concussed and hurt, from what he heard of his complaints.

They agreed that building some sort of temporary base to keep Saparata as a “prisoner” (until he’s healed) would be their best bet. But since he was the most wanted man in the world, they weren’t sure which island would be better, or if they should just do another underground base.

“No, I think fresh air might do him some good,” Fluixon said.

“I thought we were keeping him prisoner?” Gotoga asked, voice laced with confusion.

“Right,” Flux murmured, turning his gaze towards Saps, who was sitting still on the ground, already looking at him, which caused Flux to turn away immediately.

“We should build it somewhere not too far from Luminara, but not too close, nor to our current base either. An above-ground base will be too risky, so I guess some sort of underground-underwater base will be most beneficial to us. Message the others to get something together so we have a place to put Saparata once we’re back to island 2. Let’s start heading out.”

Thomas and Gotoga nodded and Thomas pulled out his communicator to type something out while Flux crouched down to stand Saps up again.

“We’re leaving,” he said simply, and Saps nodded in response after a moment, the two now upright and Flux steadying him like earlier.

The four of them reached the shore, all getting in their respective boats, Saps getting in the same one as Flux, of course. His knees were touching Flux’s back which, once again, caused a stir of contrasting feelings in his gut. They sailed off, Thomas in the front, as he was sent the base coordinates.

“Are we going to my… vacation home?” Saparata asked, voice still as quiet as before, and Flux could tell he was smiling from the tone he spoke in.

“...No, it’s not safe.” He really didn’t know what else he could’ve said, but it was true.

“Oh,” he hummed, smile dropping. “Why?”

“It just isn’t. Don’t question me.”

*

Flux brought Saps into a small cobbled deepslate room.
“You need to rest. That’s your bed,” he pointed over to a simple white bed in the corner. He hadn’t looked closely at his face since he discussed the whole situation with Thomas and Gotoga. He thought it was for the best.

“Thanks, Flux,” he murmured as the two headed towards the bed and Flux set him down to sit on the edge of it. “Do you think I could get a… towel, maybe a wet one?” Flux looked at his face now. He winced. “I seem to have some… um,” he paused. “Blood, on my face.”

“Sure,” he murmured, looking down, turning on his heel and quickly leaving the room.

Saps was still all too confused about this whole ordeal. Flux will explain to me sooner or later, he decided. If he starts acting normal again, that is.

The base was underground, not underwater, because Flux couldn’t imagine how difficult it would be to make Saps swim. He climbed the ladder up to the surface, with no one to question him, because he told all of his teammates to head to rest for the night.

He came back soon enough, standing in the doorway, looking at Saps, who was sitting in the same position as when Flux had left.

“I got the towel,” he muttered, gesturing with it.

He walked over to Saps, holding it out.
“I can’t really see where the blood… is,” he said. “Could you clean it off for me?”
Flux’s eyes softened and hardened in the span of a second.

“Can’t you just do it yourself?” he said, stoic.

“I just said I kind of… can’t,” he laughed, weakly. “And my wrist really hurts. Well, all of me does, but my wrist especially.”
Flux sighed.

It’s a good thing it’s just the two of them here. He can’t be caught doing this.

He sat down on the bed beside Saps, who turned his head to him, keeping his distance. He began cleaning the dried blood off of his face, being careful. He hated this.

Face, neck, ears.

“Done,” he murmured, turning away and holding the towel in his lap, staring at the red staining it. He was almost hoping that Saps would go back to normal, remember everything and hate him again. That way it would be easy seeing him after he tried to kill himself.

“Thanks,” Saps breathed out, all quiet while staring at Flux with those eyes. God, it was like when they were staying up late together like any other night.

He was considering telling Saps about the whole situation. Give him a little reminder.

“Can you stay with me tonight? I just… feel very sick,” Saps murmured.

Flux moved his gaze to Saps, slowly.

Silence. Then,

“No. Message me when you wake up,” he stood up abruptly, exiting the room and leaving behind a very confused Saparata.

I can’t believe I almost agreed.

Chapter Text

saparata whispers to you: hey i’m awake

It was the afternoon. Fluixon was trying his absolute best to think of Saps as little as possible after waking up from his short and unsatisfying sleep, which wasn’t working very well, because Saparata was at the very least in the back of his mind whilst he was busy and at most completely consuming his thoughts when he had a few minutes too long of nothing to do.

He stared down at the message. He wasn’t sure if Saps had a lot, or any, food in his inventory, but he was almost completely sure he didn’t have any soup, which could do him some good.

If Flux told himself from a couple days ago that he was making soup for Saps right now, he wouldn’t believe it. He can’t fully believe it now, either. It felt so surreal.

Fluixon whispers to you: I’ll bring soup.

Saps couldn’t help but smile at the thought of Flux making soup just for him. He messaged him back a quick “okay” before returning to sitting in bed, his back against the hard wall. Everything still hurt like it did at night, and while he didn’t really mind the solitude, it wasn’t the same when he was sick and hurt like this. He was glad Flux was coming over, and with soup too, though he’d been acting rather weird and distant since he woke up in the snow.

I wonder why.

*

Flux opened the door that led to the small room Saps was in, a bowl of soup in his free hand.

“Hi,” he barely choked out, hoping his voice was even.

“Hi,” Saps smiled.

“Brought soup,” he gestured with the bowl, closing the door behind himself, stepping farther into the room. He’s never felt this awkward.

“Yeah, thanks,” he nodded, keeping his eyes on Flux as he made his way over to the bed.

Flux stood with the warm bowl in his hands, looking down at Saps.

Saps looked up at Flux, empty handed.

“The wrist that I sprained, or hurt, or something, is my… dominant hand. So… I’m not sure how I’m supposed to eat,” Saps said like it was the simplest, most normal thing ever.

Flux gripped the bowl so hard it felt like he was going to break it.

Of course, he thought. Of course he hurt his right hand.

“Are you sure you can’t do it yourself?” he said with a sigh.

“Around 99% sure,” Saps smiled. He’s been way too smiley about this whole situation, but then again, he doesn’t remember what has happened.

Another sigh escaped Flux as he sat down on the edge of the bed, keeping the bowl of soup in his lap and staring down at it. Was he really about to do this?

The answer ended up being yes, because he was bringing a spoonful of soup into Saparata’s mouth, making sure his hand wasn’t shaking too visibly.

When he was around Saps, before he had any thoughts about betrayal, he could admit quietly in his mind to himself that he made his heart beat a little faster and could make his stomach flip slightly, like when he looked at him like he was the only thing that mattered, and when he spoke in a hushed voice like he were to tell secrets only meant for Flux, and when his warm hand lay atop of his cold one. But now, anything Saps did at all made his gut twist to a nauseating extent and his mind raced instead of his heart and his eyes darted around and his body froze. It was not like him at all - he’d set up a trap and killed multiple nation leaders, ordered an execution on another and wholeheartedly defended what he truly believed at meetings with people of higher power than him.

Saps had always done things to him and he’d always hated it, but at least before, the feelings weren’t all that bad. It was sort of nightmarish, now.

“How’d I end up in a pool of my own blood in the mountains?” Saps asked suddenly, catching Flux completely off guard, his gaze freezing on the spoon in the bowl.

He sighed, schooling his expression and voice.

“I don’t know. I found you,” Flux shrugged.

“How did I fall?”

“I told you, I don’t know. Probably slipped or something, knowing your stupidity.”

“Hey,” Saparata frowned. Flux moved a spoon with soup to his mouth, which Saps didn’t protest against.

Fluixon finished spoon feeding Saps the soup and sat with the empty bowl on his lap, staring down at it. The two of them sat in silence until Saparata spoke up.

“Y’know… you’re acting really weird.”

Flux felt his body tense before letting out a deep and quiet breath to relax as best as he could, trying to look as if the question didn’t affect him whatsoever.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Saps sighed, turning his head away.

“See you- you always do this. You always deflect, when we talk.”

Flux knew it was true, but wasn’t planning to say it.

He suddenly stood up, clutching the bowl hard.

“Message me if you need anything,” he said through gritted teeth.

“Flux-”

“I’m leaving. I’ve got important things to do, not waste my time sitting around with you,” he snapped, glaring at Saps, who had this horrible look in his eyes, but Flux didn’t let his expression falter as he left quickly.

He climbed out of the underground base and, in a fit of rage and impulsivity, threw the bowl at a nearby tree, breathing heavily.

Flux swore quietly and calmed down, evening out his expression and body language to seem as normal and collected as possible.

Saps, on the other hand, didn’t even try to hide the whole maelstrom of emotions he felt, but it’s not like he had to hide them from anybody - he’s all alone in this empty, empty room. It’s like he became some fragile and disgusting thing to Flux that he couldn’t look at or touch for too long. It felt like his heart was being twisted and it hurt more than any part of his body.

He laid down on the bed on his back, placing his hands on his face and letting out a deep breath.

“Fuck,” Saps mumbled to himself. He felt frustrated due to Flux’s lack of communication, but also really really sad.

What is Flux not telling me?

Saps wanted to be able to hug Flux as he dozed off to sleep and be fed soup without it being awkward and tense.

Flux wanted that too, but also didn’t. He wished he could do all of that and more and then forget it even happened. Or maybe remember. He felt really conflicted and it was driving him insane.

Chapter Text

For the past few days, Fluixon would use the little time he had to himself to slip away to Saps, bringing and feeding him soup each time with a look of discomfort that would soften each day by no more than a very small bit.

And for the past few days, Saparata sat alone with nothing but his thoughts and the one daily visit from Flux to keep him company.

It was cold and empty and barren and reminded him of the hazy moments of laying in a pool of his own blood in the freezing, wet snow for a reason unbeknownst to himself.

He asked if he could go outside, and was denied each time. He really needed a whiff of fresh air, it had been far too long since he felt the sun - or moon - shine down on his skin.

“It’s too dangerous,” would be a common answer. 

Or,

“You’re too sick.”

And a comeback to Saps questioning, denying or arguing with him would be,

“Don’t question me.”

Or,

“I said no.”

And, of course,

“I know best. You’ve got a concussion, you’re not right in the head right now.”

And so on.

While yes, Saparata did have a concussion, and was days, weeks or even months away from healing completely and being able to be “right in the head”, as Flux would say, he had started remembering some things he hadn’t before. Vaguely.

For example, death.

Lots of it, all around him.

Running away, hiding…

His vacation home, unsafe. Just like Flux said.

Court…

Emotions so strong it felt like it was tearing him apart, then.

But nothing was really quite clear.

*

It was Fluixon’s daily visit. Saps was sitting on his bed, awaiting him.

Flux sat down next to him.

Knees - nearly touching, just nearly.

Bowl in hand, spoon in the other.

“Me not getting any fresh air for this long can’t be good for me,” Saps murmurs.

Flux holds back an exasperated sigh.

“Can’t I go outside for even a few minutes?”
Flux says nothing.

“Come on, Flux.”
He hates when Saps says his name.

“Just for a lit-”
“Okay, fine,” he cut him off through gritted teeth.

If anyone sees them, it’s over. For both of them.

“I’ll come at night. Less chance of anyone seeing us.”

Why can’t anyone see us?

“Okay,” Saps nodded. It’s better than nothing, and it’s best not to argue or question before Flux changes his mind.

*

After some struggle, Saps finally climbed the ladder onto the surface.

Why hadn’t I done this earlier, by myself?

He trusted Flux, that it was unsafe, he supposes.

The chilly night breeze hit his skin and it felt unexplainably refreshing. He took in his surroundings - the cloudy sky, stars and moon lighting it up like drops of white paint on a black canvas, the untouched grass and trees and flowers that rustled, the gentle, repetitive sounds of the nearby ocean hitting the shore.

A smile played at his lips and Flux stared at it for far too long. Saps hadn’t smiled much recently. It was a nice sight.

He was caught, then, looking away to the ground quickly as if nothing had happened, and Saps laughed, a quiet, true sound.

“Don’t be shy,” he murmured in an unserious, giggly tone, playfully nudging him with his elbow.

“I’m not,” he hissed, stepping away as he got nudged.

“Loosen up a little, Flux.”

Does he hate when Saps says his name?

The two walked closer to the shore, sitting down at a distance from the water, listening to the waves.

Just like how they used to almost every night, a while ago.

Except they’d sit closer to each other.

And whisper and laugh.

Maybe a kiss.

It’s different now.

It won’t be the same again.

Saps will remember everything and never talk to me again.

I guess I should enjoy this a little while it lasts.

So they talked a little bit.

They laughed a little bit.

Their knees bumped together a few times.

And Flux felt like he didn’t need to be tough, and Saps felt like Flux loved him.

It had been more than a few minutes, and Flux saw that the sky wasn’t pitch black anymore.

“You should head back,” he said, quietly.

“...Yeah.”

“Yeah.”

He led him towards the entrance to his… room? Prison.

“Goodnight, Flux.”
Maybe he didn’t hate when Saps said his name.

“...Goodnight, Saps.”

And Saps spent a good chunk of time laying in bed with a love-struck smile, giggling about the whole ordeal.

And Flux spent a good chunk of time laying in bed, frozen, thinking about what he’d been doing, still conflicted.

And Saps hoped they’d start going outside every night.

And Flux wished Saps would never ask to go outside again.

I love him, Saps thought to himself.

I wish he didn’t love me, and I didn’t love him, Flux thought to himself.

Everything will be okay. Things will get easier.

Everything will go downhill. This makes it so much harder.

*

Flux would come over with food for Saps. Not only stew now, since Saps started feeling better.

And at night, they would go outside and sit by the water.

Saps felt much better than before - both physically and emotionally. He wondered when he’ll be able to not live underground anymore.

He had some unclear memories come back to him, but it felt as if he was looking at them through a tinted glass.

Running away.

From what, or who? He doesn’t know.

But he could feel fear consuming him whole.

And being in a place he’d never been to before.

And feeling unwelcome.

But he couldn’t quite make out what it all meant, or why it had all happened.

I’ll ask Flux tomorrow. Maybe he’ll finally tell me.

Chapter Text

Fluixon and Saparata sat on the shore in the chilly night air.

“Flux?” Saps murmured, looking at the sky.

“Yes?” Flux answered, his gaze on him.

“Can you tell me what happened?”

Flux stayed quiet for a few moments, contemplating.

“You fell off a tower. I’ve told you already.”

“No, there’s… there’s more to it. I keep having these hazy, unclear memories. Of… of running away, and being terrified.”

Flux’s eyes moved to fixate on the ground.

I guess I can tell him some of the truth.

“You were holding a meeting at your holiday home. A lot of nation leaders were there. But…”

He paused, stealing a quick glance at Saps, who was already looking at him.

“But… someone rigged a trap in your ceiling. And it killed multiple of those leaders. And everyone assumed it was your doing.”

Saparata’s eyes widened and a flood of all sorts of emotions filled him.

“That’s when you ran. You managed to escape onto the poor island. You hid in the snow and mountains. You built yourself a tower, and… probably slipped off. I found you like that, on… on the ground.” He didn’t want to remember Saps’s broken and bloodied body on the pure, white snow.

“Oh,” Saps hummed quietly.

Most of the hazy memories made sense.

What didn’t make sense, though, is why Flux acted so weird at the start. He still kind of does now. Shouldn’t he be relieved his best friend is okay and not dead?

“So… everyone wants me dead because they think I’m responsible for the murders?”

“Yes.”

He hummed again, staring at the ground just like Flux was.

They did so in silence, for a while, until Saps and Flux went their separate ways, to their own “homes”.

*

Saps couldn’t sleep.

He kept trying to remember everything more clearly.

It had been a few weeks at this point, since his fall.

He should be able to remember things better, right?

Maybe.

He didn’t know.

He just kept trying to remember.

Especially the court.

Flux didn’t talk about it.

Didn’t mention it at all.

Maybe he forgot to, he thought.

But his gut was telling him something else.

Who was the judge?

It was all so unclear. All mushed and blurred into one.

Maybe he should just rest now.

He felt tired.

“...guilty!...”

No. I’m not. I swear.

“Kill him!”

No. Please don’t.

I’m so scared.

I don’t want to die yet.

I’m innocent.

It wasn’t me.

It was…

Who was it?

I swear I knew.

Why can’t I remember?

…

Running is exhausting.

I’m still scared.

Where am I running?

…Luminara bridge.

Luminara.

Flux.

Flux?

…

It was Flux.

He’s guilty.

Saps woke up in cold sweat.

It was just a dream.

But… he dreamt of a memory that was so hazy before.

Saps clenched and unclenched his fists slowly.

He breathed in, 1 2 3 4… and breathed out, 1 2 3 4. And repeat once, then twice. And then his breathing is even and he can think.

It wasn’t just a dream.

A heavy feeling of dread set in him.

It can’t be.

Can it?

But… It could explain why he’d been acting so weird.

Too tense, too distant, too… different.

It all makes sense.

Saps sat frozen still on the bed.

He wasn’t sure what he was going to do now.

Should he run away, like he did then, without letting Flux know?

Should he confront him whilst they sit by the sea at night?

Should he keep quiet and not speak of this at all?

*

Saparata couldn’t bring himself to say anything.

He was clinging onto this thing that he had with Flux right now. He didn’t want to let it go, everything was just starting to feel good, normal, like how he remembered it was. He didn’t want to lose Flux. Not again, he supposes.

But… it was inevitable in the end, wasn’t it?

He knows that what he’s doing isn’t good.

Not for himself and not for Flux either.

They’re both lying to each other and could push each other way without speaking about what happened out of pure guilt.

Saps doesn’t want that.

He wants to know why Flux betrayed him.

Had Saps done something he can’t remember that was equally as bad as what Flux had done?

*

The two sat on the beach, closer to the water than ever.

It was warmer tonight. Warmer than usual.

The sky was clear. No clouds in sight.

Perfect weather.

“It’s really nice out tonight,” Flux murmured.

Saps only hummed.

He’d been thinking of how to bring the whole thing up to Flux.

Fluixon could tell that Saps was acting weird. He sat just a little too stiffly, a little too uptight, shoulders too tense.

He glanced at him, but found no gaze looking back at him.

“...Flux,” Saps whispered, voice too serious-sounding for either of their likings.

“...Yes?”

“You… I had a dream.”
Flux kept his eyes on him, waiting for him to continue.

“I dreamt of… well, it was hazy but,” he inhaled deep and quiet, “before I fell off the tower, and everything. You…”

And then Flux felt a nauseating pit grow in his stomach and he knew it’s all over for him and this is the last time they will ever speak.

“No, you– you don’t get it,” Flux immediately cut in, gritting his teeth as he tried to keep the panic out of his voice. “I’m– the island was in danger. The other leaders, they were acting stupidly, and they weren’t listening, and, and–”
“Flux,” Saps cut in, voice both sharp and soft altogether. “Flux,” more quietly, now.

He shut his mouth, pressing his lips in a thin line as he stuck his gaze down to the ground.

“You can’t take back what you’ve done,” he whispered, staring out into the sea, but not quite looking at it, either. “And as much as I’d love for us to… be like this… How can I be sure you won’t betray me again?”

That was a completely fair assumption for him to make. It didn’t make Flux’s throat close up any less. Flux wouldn’t trust himself in Saps’s position, either.

Saparata finally looked at Flux, but now he was the one to refuse to meet his gaze. He felt a hand on his shoulder and tensed, as if his body locked up. He wanted to run away and never see his stupid, beautiful pale face again.

“Thanks for whatever it is we had before you did what you did,” Saps said, sounding vulnerable and distant all at once.

And then he did something neither of them expected.

Their lips met in a barely-there peck, a soft touch of their lips more than an actual kiss.

Fluixon’s eyes were wide open, panic flooding his body.

Saparata’s eyes were closed shut, savoring the feeling once and for all.

And before Flux could process it, Saps was up and walking away, and before Saps could think his legs were pushing him up and away, away, away. Down to where he was staying because it was the only place he knew he could go to.

Flux sat frozen still and couldn’t tell whether it had been minutes or hours before he left.

He laid in bed that night, unable to sleep. Not tossing or turning and getting tangled in his sheets, but laying completely still, staring at the ceiling.

I betrayed him and felt fine, but now I can’t fucking do the same after he said all of that? Flux thought, feeling ridiculous and stupid and frustrated and sad.

Saps fell asleep but dreamt of a hazy beach with Flux smiling at the waves. He awoke right after with tear-streaked cheeks and went back to sleep, too exhausted not to.

The last thing he thought of before dozing off was,

I’ll die alone now.