Archive of Our Own ^beta

Catherine drops to sit next to him, then, and spits out, “What? Are you serious?” If Trowa probably didn’t love his sister as much as he does, he might have found cause to be offended with her choice of words.

But then again, he knows where his sister is coming from. So he simply nods his head—once up, once down.

All the same, it’s not enough to assuage her. Her brows are still furrowed when she casts her frown to their slippers—one pair green with two straps of rubber in the middle, while the other resembles two gentle rabbits.

“But how—” His sister’s voice catches at her throat, so she tries again. “But how did you find out that… that you’re gay—that you like another guy?”

“Because there really is another guy that I like, Sis,” Trowa confesses.

“Who!”

“He’s…” And if Trowa thought that admitting his true feelings is the hardest thing he has to do, this is when he realizes how mistaken he is. In front of his most beloved sister, all he could do is to click his tongue and frown at their slippers, which are easier to look at than Catherine’s wide gaze.

“He’s?” she presses him.

Trowa’s lips press more firmly together, and the space between his brows narrows still.

“Hey, Trowa, what!” His sister can’t help but shake him by his left arm. “Are you just playing a joke on me? If you don’t have a crush on another guy, how did you even find out you’re gay—?”

“This isn’t a joke, Sis!” He hadn’t intended to glare at his sister. “I feel differently whenever I see him, unlike with those other women I’ve dated before—!”

“So who is it!”

“It’s Quatre!” And there it is.

“What?” Catherine’s jaw falls as she stares at him again. “Quatre… the one with a foreigner mom? Your old classmate…?”

It almost feels painful to confirm her suspicions for her when Trowa nods again.

“Huh…” Catherine’s eyes go on a tour around Trowa’s bedroom, before she eventually finds the words she wants to say in her shock. “But… isn’t he a Muslim?”

“Not like religion matters with these things,” Trowa sighs deeply. “He’s kind to me and thoughtful, and he makes me smile. He’s a kind person, Sis. He cares for others, and he’s cheerful and down-to-earth… I never meant to fall for him, but here I am!” He flails his hand. “I always wanna be with him, I always wanna hear his voice.”

After a few moments, though, he does concede that, “But yeah, he’s a Muslim.” While he and his sister, like everyone else, go to a Catholic church.

His sister breathes in deeply, and when she looks at him, it’s almost like she’s gone weary of the problems of his heart. But she persists, anyway, to be more understanding of her younger brother’s situation when she asks, “So, what’s gonna happen now? Will you tell Quatre that you love him?”

“It’s not that easy either, Sis,” Trowa sighs again as he fixes up his posture where he’s seated at the foot of his bed. “I haven’t even come out to the rest of our friends yet. It took me months to come out to you alone.” He shrugs. “How would I even confess to Quatre that I like him if I don’t even know if there’s a chance he’d like me back… or if he’d like another guy, at all? Then there’s the fact that he’s a Muslim.”

“Yeah, and we’re Catholics.” Catherine follows up his sigh with one of her own, pulling her lips sideways. And now that she knows what’s inside her brother’s heart, she’s made it her problem, too. It’s exactly because of this attitude of hers that Trowa hesitated to come out to his sister. But it’s not like he could have kept this a secret much longer, not when she’s the one who’s always stood in for their parents since they were still kids. “The Church isn’t that open-minded with things like this either… wait,” she shifts a little closer to Trowa and lays her hand on his lap, “so what’ll happen now? You love Quatre, but you won’t admit it to him… how does that work?” How does that work?

“Dunno.” Trowa shakes his head. “I haven’t thought of that yet. For now… the only thing I have in mind is coming out to you. After all, if you wouldn’t even welcome my feelings…” He smiles slightly, briefly. “There’s no use coming out to others…”

“What—!” The clicking of Catherine’s tongue is sharp as she flashes her teeth at him. “What kind of… and what do I care about your feelings! About whether or not you like a guy or a girl or both or no one. What’s important to me, what will never change, is that you’re my brother. That’s all I need to know.”

“Really, Sis?” The truth of the matter is that Trowa’s always suspected that this is how his sister would react—his sister who stopped her own schooling just so Trowa could graduate, and is just now catching up with her college while she’s part-timing at McDonald’s, or wherever else it is she can find some extra income. But, it’s exactly because that’s the kind of sister he has that it’s extremely important for Trowa to still be accepted by her.

So hearing those words from her, he feels the tension fading from his chest and his shoulders.

“Hey—!” His sister tuts again. “Really? Did you really think I wouldn’t be able to accept you because of how you really feel inside you? Me, the one person who would never leave you, no matter what? Is that how you think of me, after all we’ve been through?” Well, his sister has always been a bit of a melodramatic, after all… “C’mere you. Oh, my poor widdle baby bwothew…”

“Sis…” Trowa’s a little too old to still be treated like this, but right now, he wouldn’t reject her endearments either as she comes in to hug him and pat his back. Not that this helps Trowa with the problems of his heart, but he wouldn’t deny that he needs this, too.

“Trowa,” his sister whispers to him. “I don’t know what you plan to do with these feelings of yours, or how you’re going to come out to the others… if that’s what you plan to do. But I’ll always be here for you, okay? You don’t have to worry about… or to even think about anything when it comes to us. Whatever it is that you feel, if you ask me, all I want is for you to be happy, and to be a good man. Okay?”

“Of course, Sis,” Trowa chuckles as he tightens his grasp around his sister. “Thank you… thank you for still accepting me.”

“Aw, of course, kiddo. Anything for you.” Catherine laughs along. “Whoever or whatever it is you choose to love, my love for you will never change.”

Duo doesn’t even get to properly put down his can of Coke, so much as he just lets it slide through his fingers until it hits the table. His jaw, too, falls slowly, and it’s only then that he finally asks, “Really? This isn’t a joke? You’re really gay?”

Trowa wants to sigh, but for the benefit of his friend who’d gotten up early just to join him for lunch, he stops himself. Instead, he simply answers, “And why would I joke about something like this? Unlike you, I’m not the joking type either.” He leans back to his seat and sweeps his hand vaguely. “It’s true what I said, I’m infatuated with another guy. Not sure if this makes me gay or bi, but I’ve never felt this way with anyone else except for that guy.”

“Who is that guy? Do we know ‘im, you gonna introduce us to ‘im?” After asking these questions, Duo glances back briefly towards Wufei standing by the doorway, his phone on his ear, his back turned towards them. Wufei was actually the one who’d suggested they meet up somewhere near his office. Heero would have been along, but he’s on a vacation with Relena right now.

This is where Trowa takes a deep breath and admits that, “Don’t have to. You know him well enough.”

“Huh?” Duo glances one more time at Wufei who’s finally making his way back, moving impatiently while he hangs up, before he faces Trowa. “Who?”

“He’s our friend. The one guy I didn’t call up.”

“Huh?” Duo frowns at Wufei who just got back. “Well, that can’t be Heero since he’s already got a girlfriend…”

“What?” Wufei looks at him oddly. “What are you even talking about?”

“So if it ain’t Heero…” This is where Duo stares at Trowa in shock. “Fuck, for real?! Quatre?! Our Quatre?!”

“Do you even know a different Quatre, Duo?”

“Hey, what is this about Quatre?” Wufei pokes Duo for his attention.

Duo turns to him, then, and tells him, “Our good friend here just confessed that he’s in love with Quatre. See, this is whatcha get for not payin’ attention.”

“Piao eh, for real?!” Wufei’s slanted eyes go wide on Trowa. Trowa didn’t get that first part but knowing his friend, that’s likely a cuss in Chinese. “Quatre? I knew you’ve been acting differently around him!”

“Wow, bro, you noticed this?” Duo retorts.

Wufei glares at him. “You’re the one who never noticed, bro. This is what you get for being obsessed with your long hair… hasn’t your team leader talked to you about that yet?”

“Bro, the hell does my team leader care about us, ‘slong as we meet our quota? ‘Sides, I work at a call center. The hell do the customers care how I look!” Duo faces Trowa again. “But going back… since when?”

“Since when have I been this way?” What a funny question.

“No. I mean, since when have ya been in love with Quatre!” Duo gestures towards Trowa with his soft drink. “Look at this guy. Hey, c’mon, ya really think it matters to Wufei and I whether or not you’re gay?”

“You’ve liked him since we were in college, haven’t you?” Wufei cuts in.

This is the part where Trowa breathes in deeply and shrugs, then shakes his head. “Maybe? Can’t say…” He looks at both his friends. “Wait, so you’re both okay with me being like this?”

“Duo says it’s fine.” Wufei shrugs, too. “Me, I’ve long suspected that you like Quatre.”

“Can you believe this guy?” Duo remarks of Wufei’s arrogance as he gulps down his Coke.

“You look at him and you speak to him differently than you do with us,” Wufei goes on even as he glances at his phone screen when it buzzes. He puts it back down and goes on, “It’s almost as if Quatre is your entire world. I’m actually surprised you even admitted to it at all. Wait, does Quatre already know?”

Trowa stares at him. “And why would I confess to him?”

“Bro,” Duo nudges Wufei with his elbow, “even on the off-chance that Quatre is gay, their situation can’t be that easy. That guy’s filthy rich! And ya think this guy can just go and court him like that?” He indicates Trowa with his Coke.

Trowa frowns at him for this. “Thanks for believing in me.”

“So that’s it? That’s all it takes for you not to tell Quatre?”

“Bro, what for?” Trowa sighs at Wufei. “Think about it, what if he only sees me as a friend? I’m not gonna go outta my way to get myself hurt. Besides, Duo and Ate Catherine have a point. He’s rich, I’m poor. He’s a Muslim, I’m a Catholic.” Trowa shakes his head, picking up his glass that is still half-filled with water. “I don’t wanna lose whatever it is I still have.”

“Bro, he might be getting engaged.”

Trowa’s glass falls, water spilling.

Both he and Duo stare at Wufei. “Bro, say what now?” the latter asks.

Wufei inhales deeply before he explains himself. “I didn’t mean to hear about it, but you know how it is within the Chinese community, especially among the business circles. But that’s how I found out, in one event. Do either of you know Dorothy Catalonia?”

“No.”

Trowa doesn’t know her all that well either, but he knows he sees her sometimes in magazines, or those television shows his sister often watches. She’s famous, beautiful, vain, speaks well and is quite influential.

“She lives abroad, but her mom was born here. She just arrived recently. Now her father is negotiating with Quatre’s father. If their engagement pulls through, it could be one of the biggest merger deals in recent history.”

“Hold up there.” Trowa waves for Wufei’s attention. “You’re telling me that if Quatre were to get married, it won’t be out of love? But because his dad wants them to get richer?”

“That’s exactly it, ain’it?” Duo says. “And Quatre won’t even tell us about it?”

“You really think someone like Quatre would be delighted by this arrangement?” Wufei’s brow comes up. “Knowing him, he’s in denial of what’s happening, so he’s keeping it a secret.” He nods towards Trowa. “Why don’t you try to talk to him?”

“And what am I supposed to tell him? I like you, please don’t get married to a woman you don’t love? And what if he does love that woman?”

“And what if he doesn’t?”

“Bro, I’m tellin’ ya, nobody stops the wedding in the middle of the ceremony anymore these days. It just ain’t cool anymore.” After offering Trowa this piece of advice, Duo knocks his Coke back.

Just like that, Quatre’s smile fades from his lips. And just like that, Trowa feels like the worst villain in the face of the world.

Urgently, he puts his coffee down and says, “Sorry. I didn’t mean to ask. I didn’t mean to find out either. I didn’t even think that you might not want to talk about it.”

“Hey, no, it’s okay.” Quatre gives a slight laugh, shaking his head while he waves both hands. He may be smiling again, but there’s no way for him to hide the weight hanging down each corner of his lips. “Really, it’s okay… though I’m sorry, too, that I never got to tell you… and you had to find out about it from Wufei.”

“It doesn’t matter to me, who I heard it from.” Trowa brings both hands around his cup. Quatre takes a sip from his coffee. “So… it’s really happening?”

Quatre shakes his head, then shrugs. “Maybe. Papa isn’t talking to me about it. Anyway, he’s the one who makes all these decisions, but he hasn't spoken to me about this yet. He probably knows we’ll just end up fighting.”

“You don’t like it?”

Quatre smiles sadly at him when he asks, “Think about it, Trowa. Would you like it if Ate Catherine were to be the one to make the decision about your marriage?” Not that his sister would ever do that, but…

“No,” is Trowa’s answer. He brings his eyes down to his milky coffee. “Even when I know that she won’t do anything that would cause me harm… when it comes to the matters of my heart… I wanna be the one to make the decisions. I wanna follow what I want.”

“Exactly. I’m the same.” Quatre’s cup taps lightly on its plate. “It’s just hard…”

“Well, why not talk to your dad about this?” Trowa asks when he faces his friend again. “Don’t wait for him to open up about it. Do everything you can so he would hear you out.”

“It’s not that easy, Trowa.” Quatre laughs, but his sadness is still audible. “If he asks me why… if there’s somebody that I like, I don’t… I don’t know how I’m going to answer him.”

“Why?”

Quatre’s brows are furrowed, and the shape of his lips is bitter. “Because I don’t want to lie to Papa. Even if we don’t often see eye-to-eye, I still don’t like lying to him.”

“What for, Quatre? Is there someone you like?”

Quatre nods. “There is…”

Trowa doesn’t know what he should feel, or why he even bothered to ask, or what kind of answer he was expecting. They’re both old enough, after all, and it’s been years since they graduated from college. Trowa now holds a good position in his company, and Quatre’s business is doing well. It’s only natural that with everything that’s happened to him, all the people he’d ever met, he would find someone he would fall for.

Regardless, Trowa still feels like his world is slowly dimming, and his heart is sinking further into the abyss. The man who’d awoken his soul and changed him… turns out to have someone he likes.

“Really?” Still, Trowa tries to smile for his friend. “Who is it? Is it someone we know, or are you introducing us?”

But it almost seems as if his calm questions serve only to sting Quatre when he twists his face and shakes his head like a child.

He brings his own eyes down to his coffee, still frowning.

“Trowa…” A few seconds pass before he speaks up again. “There’s something I want to tell you…”

Trowa tilts his head a bit to the side. “What is it?”

“It scares me to say it, but it’s just that I really want you to know…”

“That?” Trowa starts to feel a touch of dread.

But Quatre looks up to him suddenly and confesses in a whisper, “Trowa, I think I’m gay.” Gay. In other words, someone who likes the same sex…

Trowa tries to avoid looking shocked, but he’s not sure if he managed to do that in the first place. He couldn’t help but ask, too, “How did you find out?”

“‘Cause there’s someone I like… and he’s a man.”

“Just now?”

“No.” Quatre looks desperate when he shakes his head again. “In the past, I thought it was just a phase. But it’s been years, and my feelings for him are still the same. Even before this whole thing with Dorothy, I thought, I’m happy enough for us to remain as friends, but… but even knowing that two men can’t get married in this country… I still don’t want to get married to someone I don’t love! I don’t want Dorothy, Trowa, I don’t love her. And I know I’ll never be able to learn how to care for her!”

“Hey, take it easy.” Trowa wants to brush Quatre’s arm, but even with their long history of friendship, he’s aware that there ought to still be some respectable distance between them. If it were only up to him, he’d rather embrace the man who makes his heart beat, and whisper soothing words to him. But even when Quatre has already admitted how he truly feels… why does it feel like that just made things more complicated? Even now that they’ve both admitted to liking men…

But Trowa thinks it’s simply wrong to come out to him at this time. It’s quite obvious from how Quatre looks that he has complicated feelings about his own identity. If Trowa comes out now, he doesn’t know how that would help his case. For now, what’s important for him is to calm his friend down… and to make him smile again.

“If you don’t want Dorothy, and you know you’d never be able to love her… then you don’t have to marry her.”

“Would Papa even listen?” Quatre laughs drily.

“Dunno… maybe not now, but… hey, what do we know, right? Maybe we’ll figure something out to get you out of this arrangement.” Trowa smiles at him. “Whatever the case, I won’t let you do this alone. We’ll come up with something.”

“Really, Trowa?” Quatre looks like he’s about to cry from what he’s heard. “Even when… even now that you know this is how I am… you would still accept me? You won’t go away?”

“Why would I? If I abandoned you, then I would have abandoned my free coffee and ride, too.” Trowa brings his cup closer to his smile and sips from it.

Quatre bursts out laughing and claps his hands, as if they were the only patrons in that coffee shop at this hour. “Oh, I should never have worried in the first place!”

Trowa laughs along softly as he brings his cup back to its plate.

“Thank you.”

Trowa looks up to Quatre who’s finally smiling at him… and looks quite at ease. “What for?”

“For still being here for me,” his friend says. “And making me laugh while you’re at it. I was scared that if you found out what I really am… you would be disgusted of me, then you’d leave. I don’t have anyone in my family I could talk to about this, see. So I can’t imagine what your reaction would have been, or how our other friends would react. So,” Quatre sighs, “here I am. Fumbling about. Scared. I’d hate to lose one of my best friends, least of all when I’ve never had anyone in my family who I could rely on.”

“Don’t be frightened. I’ll be right here.” Trowa weaves his fingers over his cup. “Whatever we are before… that’s how we’ll still be.” He hopes. And he hopes that one day, he’ll come to know the man that Quatre likes, or maybe even come clean with his own feelings for his friend… hopefully. Hopefully they’ll always be like this. Laughing. Chatting. Together.

Every time he and Trowa get together, Quatre always feels something different inside him. But for the first time, the weight in his chest as they part also feels different.

He barely even talks to the guards and the other servants when he gets home. He doesn’t ask either where his father is or what he’s doing as he heads straight to his bedroom and locks himself in.

At the foot of his large bed, Quatre sits down, listening to the ringing on the other line, his phone on his right ear. After a few rounds, he figured he might as well just hang up.

But at the last minute, someone finally picks up. “Hi, Quatre. Sorry, Heero and I just got back to our hotel. How are you? I read your text.”

“Relena, I’m sorry.” Quatre squeezes his eyes shut. “I know you and Heero are busy right now, but I just really need to talk to someone.”

“About? Did you and Tito quarrel again?”

“No.” Quatre shakes his head. “But… but I’ve gone and confessed to Trowa.”

“That?” Relena’s shock is palpable in her gentle voice. “That you like him?”

Quatre shakes his head again. “Not yet, but I almost did. I very nearly did! But I was too frightened… so I just confessed to him that I was gay, and that there’s someone I like who’s a guy. But I couldn’t tell him it was him, I couldn’t tell him that I like him!”

“And how did Trowa react?”

“That’s the thing.” Quatre frowns. “He really is a sweet guy. He told me he’d never leave me, and he even managed to make me laugh. I’m happy, but,” slowly, he hangs his head back, “I don’t know, I feel like my sadness and fear just doubled. I feel like… I’m even more scared now to lose him ‘cause this is how important he is to me, you know? Even if he could accept me for being gay, he might not want to accept me anymore if he found out that I’m gay for him!”

Relena falls quiet.

Later on, a different voice speaks up, someone Quatre never expected to hear: “You’ll never know unless you try.”

Quatre sits up straight. “Heero?!”

“Sorry. I’ve always known. Relena’s asked for my help, too.”

“How?”

“Figured it out while we were still in college,” Heero answers. “And… I think you can tell Trowa how you really feel about him.”

“Why?”

“Just a hunch.”

Quatre huffs and slouches. “Heero, I don’t think I can take that. I don’t want to lose Trowa. I’m not as brave as you are.”

“I’m not telling you what you ought to do. I’m not preempting you either—that’s your life. It’s up to you, too, if you think you’re content with whatever it is you and Trowa have, or if you’d want something more.”

“But,” Quatre tuts again as he rubs his nape, “it really isn’t that easy…”

“There isn’t anything that’s important to us that is easy to get. Everything that we want, we fight for it. After all, if it isn’t that important to you for Trowa to accept you as you are… I don’t think you would have made the decision to try.” Quatre had never thought of it that way… but now, at his hour of need, he can see his friend’s point.

“So what should I do, Heero?”

“That’s up to you. That’s your life. I think you’re the one who knows best how to run it.”

“Just remember, whatever your decision is, we’ll support you,” Relena hastens to add. “Whether you do decide to tell Trowa how you really feel, or if you’d rather hide it, we’ll support you. So don’t be too scared, okay? We’ll never judge you.” In the end… and right now, maybe that’s the most important thing for Quatre to hear.

“Okay,” Quatre replies, smiling a little. “Thank you, Relena, Heero. And sorry for all the trouble.”

“If you ever need a thing, just send us a text, okay?” After that, they hang up.

Quatre sprawls back onto his bed, then, and breathes in and exhales loudly. He still doesn’t know what to do… but he does feel a bit lighter, having rambled about his own feelings.

There isn’t anything that’s important to us that isn’t worth fighting for, Quatre repeats to himself.

He closes his eyes, and sighs again. Easier said than done. If you weren’t just so important to me, Trowa…

If you weren’t just so important in my life, Trowa…