Chapter 1: The Taste of Bile
Chapter Text
Cold, sweaty fingers gripped onto the edges of the sink, upholding his shaking frame inches away from slipping and dunking his face into cold water, seemingly running endlessly underneath quivering eyes. He wouldn’t have minded it, though. Maybe it would’ve helped taking his mind off from whatever was wrong with him at this very moment. A cold dunk working as distraction.
Jax didn’t even know what exactly he was experiencing right now. It certainly did not feel like any panic attack he’d ever had in his life, no, there was more to it. Weight and meaning in the terms of up-keeping his physical form, trying to keep himself together in a literal sense. He knew something was approaching, rapidly.
Is this was abstraction feels like?
He felt freezing cold inside — a sensation foreign, considering how little their bodies reacted to any outside influence. Could it even be cold in the Circus or it’s areas? They were still within it’s digital space and borders, no temperatures, no change of weather. Always sunny, always… bright. Nauseatingly bright even.
The type of bright where you’d sneeze looking up into the skin during the day, and Jax hated every second of it. Being outside the Circus tent always reminded him of different times, times where he still held his humanity in his own hands, not having it dangled above his head like a sad dog waiting for it’s master to drop the treat.
His own thoughts had him hesitate, slowly lifting his head again yet avoiding his mirrored image, too scared to actually check up on himself. Water dripped down his chin, subtle noise disturbing uncomfortable silence in the bathroom stalls.
“God,” he groaned hoarsely which came to no surprise at all. He’d been yelling pretty intensely just mere hours ago, and not spoken since, leaving him sounding void of any fluidity in his voice. Gone was any play-pretend, replaced by dry pain. “You look… stupid.”
What a sorrowful display, pathetic almost, and he hated it. Jax didn’t even want to face himself in the mirror, knowing it’ll be dreadful realizing how far he’d gone from his own humanity, how close he’d come to losing it altogether. Was this truly what he wanted from the Circus? Truly what he desired? When he’d come here it’d been painful enough already — he couldn’t go through it again.
He desperately longed for rescue, some sort of exit, though he knew it was nothing but a melody of lies and deceive, smoke and mirrors. There was no way out of here, he’d been searching for way too long before Pomni had even arrived to give another damn about it. Accepting this fact however… it had taken way too long for his own liking. Patience wasn’t exactly a virtue Jax had fallen for lately.
There had been a chance at rescue, and he’d shoved her away. Hard. Literally. Punished her for coming close, punishing her for his own faults at opening up. If he’d just kept his mouth shut when she asked… maybe it would’ve been for the better. They’d never gotten close, never gotten to this point where he had to resort to his mask again.
And then he lifted his head, meeting this own yellow eyes in the mirror — or better said, eye. Where had once been a bright eye filled by nothing but a dark, void pupil now stood multiple colored rings softly emitting glow, slowly but surely seeming to pulsate.
Nausea washed over Jax in waves too quick to stop and his shoulders tensed up, on top of cold sweat damping his back. Readjusting his grip on the sink bile rose quickly, a lingering gag in the back of his mouth waiting to spill. Gulping it back down took some strength he simply didn’t have, and so he let it all out.
Coughing up wet pieces Jax growled at the foreign sensation. He hadn’t vomited in quite a while, not since Caine had first forced him onto his horrid ‘tour of the grounds’. Bitter taste lingered on his tongue and teeth, causing the rabbit to quickly shovel cold water into his mouth, aching to relieve himself of any sensations left by the bile as shakes troubled his stance.
Another case of almost slipping, catching himself just in time with wet gloves that almost didn’t stay put. Could he bear another look in the mirror, just to confirm he hadn’t gone fully insane?
'You don’t even know what people are like before they abstract. They are not pleasant to be around, like, not at all!'
Echoes running laps in his mind, his own words haunting him, sticking to his fur like glue refusing to let go. Eyes widened in shock meeting themselves in the mirror, his hands shaking. This couldn’t be, and it had to be a nightmare. Just a simple visual hallucination, a byproduct from his earlier panic attack — surely. It couldn’t be anything else… could it?
Slowly lifting one hand he stared at it, widened gaze filled with trembling and fear. Surely he was about to wake up, wasn’t he? Snap back out of it, lying in his room on his bed, like always. Pictures and furniture of familiar sight, no abstraction or anything close to said topic. Yes, it must be. Nothing more than a nightmare as expected.
He did not wake up, he did not snap out of it. There came no grand surprise, no comeback, no cold splash allowing Jax’ mind to release this cursed image while his sickly glowing eye stared right back at him.
Raising his hand again, fingers arched and claws out the temptation to simply gouge the eye out grew, though it’d be pointless. Injuries never stayed permanent, no matter how long it took until the tender skin and bruises eased — it would grow back, and everyone’s questions on top of that.
Jax had seen abstractions taking place, had seen how insufferable and desperate people had become before it inevitably consumed them. Sure, his case evidently wasn't as... grand, considering it was simply his eye, though Jax had no idea how to even approach this.
He couldn’t possibly stroll up to Caine, asking: "Hey, do you know what might happen if a persons body part abstracts? Could you fix that?"
He'd be sent to the cellar immediately. There was one thing Caine did not mess around with, and those were abstractions. As goofy and unreliable their host could be in times of his… rather special moments — abstractions meant corrupted code, they meant danger. Not only to the inhabitants, but also Caine himself. Who would risk their own code fracturing simply because one of them couldn’t keep his emotions under control?
Jax knew that the slightest emotional imbalance could tip this fragile scale determining between life and abstraction. Despite this knowledge he had little clue how this could've happened. He had never seen abstractions happening to singular body parts - they either happened fully or they didn't. Breathing hitching, he dared to throw another glance into the mirror. And his hand couldn't stay down.
Gently touching the blackened skin underneath his socket the hare flinched at the sensation. It was comparable to a mild static shock, painless but irritating fizzling through his fingertips until it was gone, leaving him with hollow sensations furthering his confusion even more.
What’s… going on? What does this mean?
Will it… go back, disappear if I’m in the right headspace?
Am I safe from full abstractions now?
Jax leaned in closer, watching his mirrored image pull tired faces, signature wide grin absent and replaced by a small, simple frown. He looked insane, pupil in his healthy eye constricted like a pinpoint. His shoulders started to shake, disturbed by Jax’ frantic, quiet breathing burning throughout his lungs, mind unable to focus onto anything else but the turquoise nightmare.
The creaking of the bathroom door opening tore him right out of his mind, head snapping backwards glancing right as Pomni entered; fur lining his neck and back bristling against the fabric of his overall at the sight of her. He sat like a deer in headlights, frozen until he realized the direness of his situation. She couldn’t possibly see his eye, not now. There would be questions asked the rabbit couldn’t answer.
Are these damned bathrooms unisex?!
Jax almost yelped out loud, unable to contain the anger and surprise flooding him simultaneously at the sight of the jester. She was the last person he’d wanted to see — even Ragatha would’ve been a better choice witnessing him in this pathetic state.
At least she’d have no context, no idea what had just gone down between him and Pomni. The sight of her made him recall all memories relating to the incident, and Jax gave it his beast keeping his head turned, face out of the Jester’s sight.
Pomni had heard his little noise, had seen him hunched over the sink, shoulders trembling as he struggled to hold himself somewhat upright, head turned far away from her. An urge to speak up quickly spread from her stomach to her chest, though she kept quiet for now, lips sealed tightly — quite literally. She pressed them against one another, keeping herself from saying anything, really.
Both of them knew that deep behind desperate frames laid the urge to talk - properly talk, without walls, without masks. And yet, neither of them spoke. awkwardly shuffling along the wall to get to another sink Pomni threw quick glances at Jax, who in turn avoided all of them, back turned towards her. She wanted to reach out, urgently, though a small voice inside her head kept the Jester from speaking up first.
And the rabbit remained silent as well, head turned so far that she could only view the back of his ears and neck. Even that was enough to tell her how heavy his breathing had gotten, chest rattling silently with exaggerated yet silent gasps.
She didn’t want this — any of it. The argument, the fight. And yet, she knew he had it coming. If not from her hands, then from others. Pomni for sure knew she wasn’t the first person considering a rather unorthodox approach, and she knew how little it would’ve done feeding into his raging self pitying.
Deep inside she wanted the guilt to eat him, wanted her words and actions to put a dent into his mask, burrowing itself ever deeper into his body until it hopefully struck a cord. Whenever that’d take place. Knowing him, probably months before Jax even considered her words to be anything but a template for another tasteless, ill-timed joke.
Jax didn’t want to admit it, but he missed her touch. He desperately craved for it, like a dog for approval, a kid for nurture. Feel her arms wrapped around his body, warmth encasing him from small frame, a heart too big for it’s own chest — so she wore it on her sleeve. She’d been nothing but genuine and what had he given her?
Distance, coldness, anger. Nothing but the worst of him, pushing her aside with hands unclean, stained with guilt and resent.
He didn’t desire to hate affection as much as he did, however, which choices did he truly have? Allow her to come close, allow her to breach boundaries others have long stopped treading on, allowing… hurt back into his world. And why would he need her, anyways? There was little to be had from affection or worse, love.
Resentment brought forth results, didn’t demand attention, didn’t need a second person — or more. It didn’t call out for him to approach, didn’t ask him to come out of his world. It simply… existed, and resenting for Jax was much easier than love could ever be.
Deep inside, hidden underneath layers of denial laid a human side crying out in pain for socialization. He was no stranger to it. He knew how good it had felt, being with people that cared for you, people he cared for. Affection which did not feel demanding.
The way his ears pinned back when her gaze fell upon him again sealed the deal for her. And a bathroom wasn’t the appropriate setting whatsoever to even begin talking about something this important. Pomni could hear him breathe from the other side of the stall’s thin walls, heavy, dreading breaths made in agony.
They both hurt, emotionally, physically — no nobody’s surprise. She could still see the bite marks she’d left on his leg and neck, saw him swipe his hand across the tender skin like it’d been hurting. Pomni knew how much pain traveled in the Circus.
Despite their capability to seemingly heal any wound no issue, return from temporary death — pain stayed the same.
Like in the real world it stung, made them flinch, made them fear. In Jax’ case the fear of being too human again, feeling an emotion so strong it had drove people insane in the past. He himself had seen it in person. Twisting, aching pain driven into your skin like needles, barbed wires laced in acid.
It hurt. And he feared it.
Quickly disappearing into one of the stalls Pomni took a moment to catch her panicked breathing, hand trembling on the door handle. After Caine’s announcements she had needed a break, a quick breather for herself somewhere where possibly no one resided. No NPCs, no mannequins, just herself and her thoughts.
And of course the only person she ran into was Jax. Pomni hadn’t even seen him leaving his seat considering how far out he had sat himself, far away from the others. From her. She wasn’t even sure if she’d preferred him to be close or near, uncertainty tainting her decision of distance.
She didn’t want to admit it, but she was quietly grieving — grieving loss of a potential friendship, some earnest connection after weeks in the Circus feeling confused, isolated, anxious. Pomni didn’t want to negate Ragatha’s attempts at reaching out, no quite on the contrary. She appreciated it.
Left hand placed on her chest she felt her troubled breaths, scarily human display underneath a digital avatar made from polygons and code. Her fingers shook, cramping and scrunching up the fabric of her clothes, feeling familiar sensations underneath fake fingertips. It was nauseating, and for a moment, Pomni understood Jax’ need for detachment. Clashing contrasts of digital spaces and human minds hardly ever worked.
He left first, door snapping into place with a loud thud like he’d slammed it.
Flinching at the noise Pomni finally released a sigh so deep she saw sparks in her sight, lungs entirely empty, aching like they’d been squeezed. Her heart didn’t feel any better. Ragatha had offered some gentle notions when they had sat down, a kind look and gesture, but nothing to soothe any burning. Unlike Jax Pomni’s pain lay deeper — underneath skin, underneath whatever their digital bodies encapsulated.
She left the stall with great hesitation, hands gently pushing along the doors to ensure she was still alone in here and no one else listened in. Her eyes fell upon the sink Jax had left, water still running, mirror smudged with fingerprints. Throwing a glance inside of the sink she could see remains of vomit, suddenly tensing up, feeling worse than before.
Pomni didn’t even know if it was her natural reaction to such a scene… or the thought of what Jax and her had gone through for them to end up like this — in a bathroom, panicking in their own way, dealing with their emotional setback. She knew he was capable of emotions, capable of struggle, like they all were. None of them were archetypes or cartoon characters like he had claimed during the adventure.
Though, one point Pomni found herself agreeing the longer she was thinking about it. She was a cartoon clown, a jester. It was hard taking her serious, hell, sometimes she couldn’t even take herself serious. Whenever there was a mirror to look in she did, and she was made aware anew of her appearance, the effect she had on people around her.
Do the others… think the same?
Am I nothing more but the Jester of this Circus?
Could I even help him, if I can’t help myself out of his dilemma?
Another glance thrown at the mirror revealed how disheveled she looked, rivaling Jax’ bristled and unkempt fur. Quickly re-adjusting her hair and hat Pomni took a breather, straightening her posture, pulling a pose and mask to wear when she came back into the theater. Ragatha would be asking questions otherwise, concerned as he was she’d immediately catch onto her emotions, knowing something must’ve happened.
She’d stayed far too long in the bathroom for nothing to have gone down, Pomni slowly realized, sighing as it sank in. No escaping. Whenever this… award show ended she’d have enough time to think, to talk. With whom? She didn’t know it yet, though Ragatha seemed as if she had something on her mind she couldn’t keep quiet about any longer.
Returning to her chair she plopped down with ease, mirroring earlier behavior — trying to upkeep the mask, just for now. It didn’t have to be long. As expected, Ragatha’s puzzling eyes scanned her up and down, brows furrowing questioningly. Pomni gave it a smirk, gentle, but intently.
We’ll talk later, it said. Now’s not the time.
And Ragatha understood. She’d played this game before, nodding faintly, a smile barely visible on her own face — just as uncertain as Pomni’s. As Caine’s voice melted into faint, unrecognizable noise drowned by high-pitched ringing in her ears Pomni sank further into the red velvet seat, folding her hands atop her chest, eyes focused on the floor. Her attention had worsened over the past couple of hours, replaying their fight on repeat within her head.
Pressing some fingers against her head gave little relief, gentle pressure against pounding temples — it felt like her migraines. She hadn’t thought about them in a while now that she was made aware of them again, surprisingly. Seems like this Circus had some positive sides to it’s forceful stay.
She needed to quench her curiosity, though. Slowly turning her head as to not alarm Ragatha Pomni looked behind their row, faintly glancing at Jax’ outlines between faceless mannequins, signature smile plastered right across a muddy, washed over face void of any true emotion. He didn’t even bother wearing his mask. Pomni couldn’t blame him. Such act required resilience, patience.
Jax was no stranger snapping into this persona of his, no. Pomni had witnessed it during their fight, had front-row seats to his little theater show taking place right there on his face, in his eyes. He knew she knew, and he hated it with a passion hard to compare.
Cradling the affected side of his face in his hand he made himself smaller, almost incapable of seeing above the mannequin’s head in front of him.
How dare she look behind this carefully crafted mask? She couldn’t possibly comprehend how long it had taken him to even figure out how it worked, suppressing decades of learned human emotions.
Woe me, he bitterly thought, even the voice in his mind laced with venom directed towards himself as he repeated his reassurances; a prayer keeping himself distanced. No loss for me. It’s a loss for her, and I don’t care.
Their gazes met for a second, enough time to spill said poison right between their seats, waves high and crashing. Raising his hand Jax covered his blue eye, avoiding her. Pomni turned her head back to the stage, and neither of them bothered another look. It’s been sealed. At least Jax hoped.
Chapter 2: Applause And Apologies
Summary:
Returning 'home' from the Award's Show Ragatha musters up the strength needed to ask Pomni for the talk she'd offered before the show.
Allowing some time to exchange thoughts and experiences, Jax struggles in the dark.
Notes:
Welcome back my meowing milkmaids! Thank you so much for your support on the first chapter <3 It means a lot to me and I hadn't thought it would recieve this much attention!
There's another artpiece attached to the end of the chapter :]
ALSO to my funnybunny enjoyers, tossing you my playlist for these two <3 https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3POokHse0nc4yt72skROVE?si=4e9864f17bab4ce0
Chapter Text
Somewhere inbetween flickering lights and voices, there was applause. Mannequins clapping their hands in pre-programmed manners, some standing, some sitting. Pomni didn’t even realize how fast time has flown by, seats steadily emptying out besides them — looking up she met eyes with Ragatha and Kinger for a quick moment, both their gazes filled with intrigue and worry; for her, no doubt. She gave them an apologetic blink, almost like she didn’t want to admit they were right to be concerned. After all what had gone down mere hours ago wasn’t normal in the slightest. Pomni had never been much of a person to get loud, especially not during arguments.
Her environment had never asked her for this, had always put her in a position underneath those who’d look down on her and be the aggressor, having her bite lips whenever possible, avoiding outbursts and leaving no risk for loss. This time it’d been different, switched. Sure, yelling wasn’t one’s first approach, not her’s at least.
Tenderly rubbing her neck with one hand Pomni looked up, meeting eyes with Jax again. He had tried exiting before them, though held back by the swarm of NPCs and mannequins blocking the floor and main halls. Annoyance was clearly painted on his face, smile twisted into a frown — like a dog baring it’s canines at unwanted visitors.
Their glances were quick and subtle, unspoken agreement never to linger for too long or it’d be too hard leaving. Jax’ gaze was the kind that leered right through a person — already weighted one’s worth, and simply decided to move on from it. An ornery demeanor Pomni felt uneased by, fueling misgiving regarding his true feeling. Was he even sorry? Could he ever be sorry, or did it not fit his archetype?
She simply swallowed it back down — the urge to talk to him, approach him, speak her mind in a calm matter. Deep within her chest her pride was greater than any desire for talking, resolutions that weren’t even guaranteed. Why should it be her approaching him first? Maybe outside of apologizing for the rough approach, though… was it truly that wrong? Unconventional certainly, though it had brought out a side of Jax she’d never seen before, not even in moments where he’d been aggravated or irritated about other happenings in their adventures.
She’d never seen him this… angry. Truthfully angry, worked up, disguise and archetype slipping to the floor, undressing his true persona. His human side he’d been pushing down for so long, and now she had looked behind the curtain — and it had scared him. Even though it hadn’t been her goal Pomni couldn’t help but feel a sliver of hope dimly glow in the back of her mind over it. There was… progress, if it could even be called by that name, taking small baby steps. If she’d known how bad everything was about to crash down she’d never made herself think in this manner, would’ve never given herself hope like that.
Silence awaited them within the dimmed Circus tent, an atmosphere too uneasy to ignore. No bright lights, no eye-burning color gradients anywhere, accompanied by absence of any noises outside their own footsteps, their echoes lost within the endlessly stretching tent ceiling. It appeared like Caine had snapped out all the lights, leaving them in a rather dingy and claustrophobic ambiance fitting for dreadful moods. To Pomni, it offered a sense of sobriety from today’s happenings instead of loud and noisy everything, it seemed… rather peaceful. The AI’s bad mood had affected his behavior lately, and Pomni didn’t expect it to get better in the slightest from here on out. She hadn’t seen him after the Award’s show, nor have the others.
“Oh, it’s dreadful in here,” Ragatha spoke her thoughts, rubbing her arms and gaining agreeing mumbles from both Zooble and Gangle. “Feels like we’re back at the haunted mansion…”
“Don’t mention that place,” Gangle squeaked, hiding her ribbons behind Zooble, who simply blinked in confusion. They’d only heard so much about that adventure, though the stupid sauce still showing effects made it so much worse to recall memories. “I’m still glad we didn’t go through the monster door…”
Apologetically raising her hands Ragatha was quick to respond. “Oh, I’m so sorry, Gangle! I didn’t mean to upset you.”
Pomni found herself nodding solemnly at Ragatha’s initial exclamation, eyes darting throughout the tent, shadows seemingly deeper than ever before. Though one silent watcher quickly used the darkness to his advantage, shuffling out of sight like prey escaping an inattentive predator, retreating back to the rabbit’s hole he’d dug for himself. Jax was nothing more but a blue blur of movement disappearing into nothingness which was their hallway, his steps quickly fading underneath chattering voices from the others.
Pomni shook her head, inattentiveness catching up to her once more. She could barely make out any words being spoken mere feet away from her as the high-pitched ringing had apparently followed her home from the Award’s show. Somewhere next to her she made out a groan, soft voice following as they cooed words she didn’t grasp, steps fading into the distance until it was just her and Ragatha again, settling into the dim lights.
The ragdoll’s soft voice came from a place of hesitation, gentle but urgently, carrying not only a question, but also a dire request. “Hey, Pomni?”
Quickly torn from the loud ringing in her ears Pomni’s head shook once more, bells on her hat softly jingling. “Yeah?” Her eyes met those of Ragatha, filled with the same concern and worry she’d expressed at the show already.
“I’d… love to talk to you, if you’re up for it.” Ragatha hadn’t forgotten about the Jester’s words, offering a quiet moment after the award’s show.
With silence having found it’s dreadful way into the colorful circus tent it seemed like the perfect moment, though she wasn’t about to start their conversation right here. Too many listening ears, too many carefully watching and prodding eyes looming above them. Even if Caine was nowhere to be seen his looming presence stretched throughout the entire Circus. “In… my room? If you’re up for it, that is.”
She placed the offer gently between them, watching Pomni’s eyes dart quickly, settling on her hands seconds after. Looking up the Jester realized they’d been left alone, Zooble and Gangle gone from the scene, allowing some privacy.
Releasing pent-up tension from her shoulders, Pomni gave Ragatha’s offer a nod, watching her form a slight, almost shy smile. “Yeah, sounds… good.”
Ragatha gave it a pensive smile, slowly leading her into the shared hallway until they reached her door, not too far off. It sat snuggly right next to Kinger’s door, displaying a familiar face radiating a frozen smile and red locks.
“Well, welcome to my humble abode,” the Ragdoll greeted Pomni as she pushed open her door, revealing what looked like a room straight taken out of a miniature doll house.
Hugging the left wall sat a pretty comfortable looking bed adorned by what seemed to be dozens of pillows and stuffed animals, neatly decorated by bed hangings in pastel colorings of blue and pink.
Right next to an oversized toybox-esque chest sat a table decked out for an imaginary tea party, though none of the utensils looked like they’d ever been moved, forgotten and unplayed, no use for their owner.
Honestly said Pomni wouldn’t have thought of Ragatha’s room any other way. Like her own it just made sense, considering how much the Circus played off of themes for all of their individual characters, giving them little customization or anything even close to that. Even their rooms had come pre-furnished.
She was offered a plushy sofa chair, sinking into it’s seat and confusingly taking a few seconds to realize before pushing herself up on the chair’s arms.
“It looks comfy,” Pomni commented, looking around the room.
“It’s a bit childish,” Ragatha sighed, taking her own seat opposite to Pomni, crossing her legs and tugging at her dress — nervously, and to eliminate any folds. Neatly folding her hands across her knee she took a deep breath, steadying herself. She’d never been good at this, but Kinger’s talk had helped her sort any thoughts these past hours, slowly growing to realize how she might approach this whole ordeal.
“Pomni, I’m… sorry for pushing you to go with Jax,” Ragatha started, voice breathy and shaky. Her hands played with one another, tugging on the plush and seams of her arms, constantly wandering about until she even reached her elbow at one point. “I was so fearful of ending up in a team with him that I just… put that fear above everything else. That wasn’t fair of me.”
Surprised, Pomni tilted her head, accompanied by her bell’s soft jingle. She felt bad seeing Ragatha distraught over what to her was such a little incident.
“It’s okay, really,” she replied. “In the moment it felt like I was the one that could handle him the best — I wouldn’t want any of you to be stuck with him. But… well…”
“But?” Ragatha repeated, concern in her voice. Immediately feeling bad again she tried her outmost best to mask it, to not scare off Pomni from opening up to her. Giving her space, like Kinger had advised. “Did something happen? If you want to talk about it.”
Shuffling around on the seat too big for her own good Pomni finally dug her fingers into the chair’s arms, steading herself. Even thinking about the argument made her uneasy, repeating lines said in her head, hearing his angry voice — seeing the dissociation in Jax’ eyes when he realized he’d gone too far emotionally.
“We had a fight at the end of the game,” Pomni spoke, voice shy. Letting go of the chair she cradled her own arms now, seeking comfort through familiar gestures, almost imitating Ragatha’s body language. Even the Ragdoll noticed, brows furrowing in sadness at the Jester’s display. “I made the mistake of getting too close, I fear, I just… felt so good. It’s been a while since dropping into the Circus that anything really made me experience joy like our collaboration as a team had… ever since the whole ordeal with Gummigoo.” She sighed. “He pushed me away, and got mad — angry, emotional, whatever the case, he was simply loud. We both yelled a lot, said mean things, and then he just made a joke.”
“That’s… Jax for you,” Ragatha gently commented. “Getting him to take something serious… it’s a challenge no one has mastered thus far.”
“Yeah, I felt that.” A hint of bitterness tinted Pomni’s voice, continuing with vigor. “He made fun of the entire situation, told me I can’t take a joke. Then I just… threw the gun at him, and bit him.”
“You bit Jax?” Disbelief all throughout Ragatha’s voice she leaned forward, almost leaving her chair. Then, a faint grin. “No way.”
“Yes way! Twice, to be exact.”
“I wondered why he’d been limping.”
“My doing. Hehe.” Giggling, Pomni relaxed her posture, letting go of her arms. “He had it coming. That was… mean. Simply put. I should’ve just shot him when he let me…”
“You can’t let him just stomp all over you like that.” Ragatha offered her advice gently, sighing inbetween sentences. “It’s a lesson a lot of us had to learn the hard way.”
Curious, Pomni leaned in closer. These chairs drove her insane — they were too tall, too far apart. “Did you ever had an argument with him? Outside of those… I’ve seen.”
“Multiple. Some more radical than the others,” Ragatha admitted through a deep breath. Recalling these memories never felt great. “I just gave up on fighting with him, it’s always a repeat of the previous argument. He doesn’t want to learn, doesn’t want to see… or simply can’t. Whatever the case, it’s neither mine nor your responsibility to fix him — or anyone else’s. Jax is an adult, he can… ask for help if he needs it, but he can’t treat us like that.”
“No, I agree wholeheartedly,” Pomni agreed, shifting around in the chair again. She was this close to simply standing up. “But I don’t think he wants to ask for help. It would… remind him that he failed.”
“Failed?”
“Suppressing his humanity. Upholding his ‘funny guy’ mask. I don’t know. It’s Jax, he’s… weird. Maybe that’s why I was so keen on… helping? I don’t know.” Finally, she found a good position to sit in, leaning her hand onto her cheek. “I know how it feels to grapple at the remainders of your humanity once you enter. So many times it felt like I lost it, only to regain it… and then something else happens… I don’t know. You’ve been in here longer than me.”
Pomni now addressed Ragatha directly, having her look up with a small, questioning ‘Huh?’, which made it even harder to continue her train of thought.
“Do you… ever had that feeling?” The Jester brought herself to ask after several moments of mutual silence. “Losing your humanity, or… feeling like you’re failing to keep it.”
“If I was to guess everyone here has,” Ragatha mumbled, eyes avoiding Pomni’s questioning gaze with intent she couldn’t quite make out. Avoidance, sure, though moreso from her own emotions and memories. “Suddenly being torn from your everyday life, losing your name, your appearance? I doubt anyone would recover from that, ever. We all struggle with it one way or another, though we also show it differently. Some talk about it, others don’t… and people like Jax pretend like there isn’t anything he ever struggled with.”
“But he obvious is. Like the rest of us.”
“Try telling him that without him exploding on you,” the Ragdoll spoke, rolling her eye. “I tried it before, and it ended badly.”
Letting her legs dangle from the chair, Pomni kicked one of it up, trying her best to keep herself busy to some degree. A sudden urge to stand up and simply run came up — where to? She didn’t even know. Anywhere, but the Circus. “Is that why he’s so mean to you?”
“Huh? Well, uh… I guess so? Who knows what his reasons are, I tried stopping questioning it, though it’s been… tough.” Another avoiding glance thrown to the side, the hand on Ragatha’s face squeezing herself slightly. “Giving him space is the best thing we— I can do at the time.”
Bringing herself to ask the question Pomni leaned forward. “Do you think I should try and talk to him again?” Her eyes remained set on the table between them, unable to face the Ragdoll while she was still fighting with her own inner turmoil. “To Jax, I mean.”
“Huh?” Ragatha hasn’t expected such question thrown her way, nor had she expected Pomni even bringing up the topic after telling her about giving him space. “Well… do you think you can handle it right now?”
“I suppose… I do. Not right now, though.” Pomni sighed, hands playing with one another. “It’s been eating me up for hours. No matter what I think about, it just returns to… this.”
Ragatha’s shoulders rose up with a deep breath, which she kept in her chest for a few seconds too long, releasing it as sigh. Her own gaze darted to the side before returning.
“If it’s what you want… maybe it could help you. But Jax isn’t a talker,” she added, a warning in her tone, “he sadly never was. Trust me, I… tried.”
Despite the petrifying sensation in her body Pomni chortled quietly. “I wouldn’t have assumed otherwise from him,” she concurred, getting up from her seat with a tad more confidence than before. “I guess it’s more for my own peace of mind.”
“Why are you so… worried for him?” Ragatha dares ask, and Pomni halted her movement, confusion making her look at the Ragdoll. “He’s… always been like that. Every time he got into an argument he’d just retreat and lick his wounds. He’ll come out eventually, pushing him might just make it worse.”
“I’m not even sure. It felt so off for me. He could’ve just shoot me, or said anything personal, really. We had talked a lot prior to it,” Pomni commented, blinking as she looked over to the side, uncertain of her own reply. Her hand grabbed her arm, squeezing. “I’m worried there might be more…”
“I can’t exactly argue against that,” Ragatha sighed, getting up from her chair to approach Pomni, resting a hand on her shoulder. “No one has ever beaten him up before, that much I can say.”
“What a reassuring thought,” the Jester retorted playfully through a smile quickly sobering from her worried face. “Guess I’ll be the first to talk him out of his room, too.”
“You wanna give it a try tonight?”
“No, not now. I don’t feel sound enough to waltz up to him and talk, I’d most likely either cry or beat him up again,” Pomni spoke, enjoying her own words a little too much as she chuckled. “I’ll just… I don’t know. Try and get some sleep. Today has been long. I still feel the gun residue on me.”
She watched Ragatha pause, swithering between thoughts. Pushing back strands of red yarn locks behind her ear it took composure to muster up courage. “Would you like to… stay here for the night? I have enough room — literally, and… maybe…” Stopping again she scratched her head, looking for reassurance in little ways. Like the glances thrown Pomni’s way. Asking such questions made her nervous, quite visibly so.
Though to her own surprise Pomni’s face eased into a smile, though it came gently. “That’d be nice,” she replied. “I could use some company for the night.”
“Let me just set up the bed, alright?”
“Yeah, sounds good.”
Further down the hall, Jax was desperate to reach his room. Other than some folks in the Circus tonight he’d not be sharing this quiet, dark ‘night’ with another soul — and he felt the loneliness in his chest for the first time in a long while. Gripping tightly at his ribcage, squeezing it until his lungs compressed enough to suffocate him slowly. He thought he could breathe freely, having found another… ambition, and he’d fumbled it. What else was he supposed to do? There was no way he could go through all of this a third time. Abstraction would’ve been inevitable at that point, and he had no way to protect her from it.
There was no exit, no end to this Circus. Everyone was destined to eventually disappear, to be turned into nothing but fractured code locked away in a dark cellar for eternity. Or however long it took abstractions to fizzle out entirely. And now it looked like as if he’d become the next candidate.
Watching Ragatha and Pomni disappear into the hallway had made him impatient, sitting in a shadowed over corner until they were out of sight. What bothered him the most was his vision. Out of his normal eye everything appeared perfectly normal, though the other gave him trouble — everything was nauseatingly bright, shimmering, like every color had been enhanced tenfold on top of a blurred filter. Somewhere deep down in his ears he heard an awful ringing, warbly sounds distracting him from the silence he sought desperately.
As soon as everyone’s steps disappeared, Jax bolted towards his door on all fours, ears pinned back flat against his head — unease driving him to desperate, primal, almost feral measures to keep himself safe.
And sane. He knew how much abstracted people hated light, hated noise. They thrived in dark, quiet environments, their senses heightened to sickening extends. Any quick movement triggered them enough to attack.
If they could bear scars, he’d still have the one across his chest when their door had flung open and the sharp end of what seemed to be a leg cut through skin like a knife through butter. There was blood. Sickeningly red in color, not crimson but almost neon in saturation — human blood. Not digital blood.
He’d slammed his door shut before, though never with this intent and anxiety shaking up his hands and shoulders. As he frantically fiddled with the keys they dropped, clattering all over the floor in anxiety-ridden formations. Exhaling sharply and slamming his flat palm against the door the wood creaked painfully, bemoaning harsh treatment and splintering.
He was losing himself, and he was afraid of she was going to lose him, too. It’d been so long ever since he’d gotten close enough with anyone, especially in a way that made it this clear to others. Ragatha had taken notice. Of course she had — how couldn’t she? Carefully watching eyes looming, rivaling Caine’s controlling gaze upon them. Even just the thought of her name had Jax filled with rage — not at her, but at his own failure to keep his emotions in check.
She knew him too well, knew too much how he’d behave.
Why had she been so desperate to enter his space? Ask him how he’d been, if he liked the adventures, tried inviting him. Every time he’d pushed her away, and she kept coming, a kicked puppy returning to the boots paining it. On the surface, he found it pathetic. Disgusting to some degree. Who would by their own choice behave in such a self-destructive way?
Deep down, underneath a shallow mask he’d never bothered to actually remove for anyone there laid an answer too obvious. Relation. Seeking connection.
Humans were social animals, not made to be alone. And Ragatha… was made to please. To fawn, and respond. Jax wasn’t even sure how genuine her attempts at connection even were — though after hearing her story at the bar anything from her mouth made him feel indifferent. She’d been there for people so much she’d forgotten herself.
Not him thought. Never being there for anyone meant more time for oneself, more time for self-care, to keep… unwanted thoughts out, and not stress over spilled tears.
Jax curled up on his bed, unable to lay down normally. He felt pressure on his body, a sensation so familiar it distracted him from his eye for a moment.
No lights had been switched on, allowing complete silence and darkness to entrance his mind, calming effects slowly setting in. Back at the award’s show everything had been… just glistening in golden light, glitter and dust specs visible to the naked eye in beams of white light. He hated it, hated the busy buzz of the mannequins applauding Caine’s empty, fake show and ‘favorite character’ shtick.
Somewhere in his throat a sob fought it’s way upward, escaping through clenched teeth and many tries suppressing it. Then, the tears came. Hot and cold at once, glowing dimly in the darkness where they found their source in the abstracted eye, feeling heavy like droplets made from lead.
How could he be so human in a moment where everything about him looked less human than ever?
Eat up my lovelies! >:] I shall return with a design sheet for Jax' design throughout the fanfiction with every planned iteration! In the meantime, have these sketches of the two idiots! /aff
Chapter 3: Fluid-Filled Lungs
Summary:
Nothing good can come around if headchef Bubble is cooking - well, unless his food can be used to lure a certain rabbit out of it's hole.
And Pomni is not going to take 'No' as answer, especially not if there's a chance to finally get Jax to talk properly.
Notes:
Hello my beloved nettletrees! Next chapter's here, come eat up angst, dialogue and the first steps of funnybunny, hehe.
Of course, as always with some art attached at the end of the chapter :]
Chapter Text
To a bird with a broken wing, a cage seemed like home.
Constant spinning of his room triggered a certain kind of motion sickness within his body, worsened by light rays forcing their way underneath his door. Someone must’ve turned on the lights again after last night’s darkness. Most people would probably never notice them, though to Jax they were rays of sunlight straight burning into his abstracted eye, making him hiss loudly in pain, turning his head away and burrowing it into his pillow.
He hadn’t felt warmth in a few days now, seemingly encapsulated by ever-growing coldness eating it’s way through his scrawny frame. No matter how many blankets and pillows he put over himself this foreign, freezing sensation never quite left, always on the back of his mind and body — running up and down, shivering for hours on end. What else could he do? Ask Caine to put up the central heating, if that even existed to begin with?
He hadn’t expected abstracting to be this… cold. Shivers trembled his weakened frame, claws desperately searching for something to hold onto in a sea of nothingness and despair — where did all that water even come from? Was it even real?
It’s been a few day since the award show and no one has came to even question his disappearance. If their team had lost they’d just declare him a sore loser, like always, though their lack of care offered a strange, soothing feeling for Jax. At least there was no one he had to talk to, no one he had to make excuses for. He didn’t want them to check up on him, didn’t want them to ask questions he couldn’t quite answer.
And yet his human side yowled from deep below, begging to release all of these built-up emotions and not confine himself to isolation any longer. It’s been… years. Jax almost wished Pomni had pulled the trigger when the barrel pointed at his face — put them back on neutral ground, where it’s safe, where he could pretend and assume there had been nothing more between them. Make her hate him enough so the two of them would never talk again, having both of them on terms that didn’t allow for hurt and pain down the line. Abstraction was inevitable, Jax knew that much. He’d seen it enough times for his conclusion, and assuming they’d all ever leave alive didn’t come easy to him — if at all.
In a sense he’d already shook hands with the option to be stuck in here forever until his unevitable end, which didn’t seem too far out right now. He was a fragile as the mirror his terrified eyes had met their worst fear in, one simple tap away from shattering into million pieces strewing themselves all over the floor; eventually cutting into the hands of the one person ever willed to pick them up, to try and place them together again — form a person, a human, though it’d never happen.
He couldn’t possibly feel safe in here, could he? Surrounded by nothing but darkness, ever-growing, expanding past the walls of his room and into unknown territory. If he left the bed he’d be walking and walking until there was nothing left familiar in his sight, looking back would ultimately reveal how far he’d strayed from his own self. And then, what then? Would he give up that human part desperately still clinging to his hand like an unloved child, crying out silently and using it’s weight to keep him from running off?
He wasn’t made to face responsibility like that.
Inhale, Exhale. Keep your lungs moving, so they’ll never build up fluid and drown you from the inside.
There are strangers you can’t trust.
Aggressively pounding against his chest wasn’t just his heart, but his entire inner system. Jax had never felt this urge before — an urge to consume, eat. He knew how aggressive abstractions were, they felt nothing else but antsy, build-up desires guided and strengthened through heightened senses. Corrupt, errors, unwanted, unstable.
He felt hunger. True hunger. Like a human, like he wasn’t even in the digital space anymore, where code and polygons kept them from any senses they’d need to look out for back in the real world. Tiredness, hunger, thirst, desire. And yet they craved a digitalized version of them, wanted to consume, wanted to lust, wanted to drink. In whatever order their minds decided would be the most appropriate, the most important.
Therein humans held a purpose, repeating patterns and cycles upheld their entire life — without them, they’d be lost. Without them, they’d perish sooner or later, assigning forced importance and urges to follow, for nothingness might come otherwise. A bird with no voice wouldn’t sing, and a bird with a broken wing would not fly, and instead cherish gilded bars build around them as measurements of safety, as sanctuary.
As was his room, and darkness.
Outside the turmoil-filled room there was warmth and companionship, allowing the residents of the Circus to finally find peace in their little retreat area. Caine had been gracious enough turning back on all the lights, even though he’d done it in utter disgruntlement seen best in his eyes. Pomni had taken notice, odd behavioral moments like these, small details most won’t bother even looking out for in the first place — especially not after his crash-out with the gun adventure. Zooble paid him even less attention, Gangle following suit; quietly hiding behind them whenever possible, comedy mask painted with a frown whenever Caine approached. At least he’d been holding off with adventures, only pushing them to go onto one before disappearing again, only seen in the distance conversing with Bubble.
Her eyes wandered over to Ragatha, comfortably sat and re-reading one of the few magazines Caine provided for them. No doubt she must’ve read it a thousand times by now. Their little talk had only been a few days ago, quiet but reassuring, held in the dim light Ragatha’s doll house room could spare. Pomni felt comfortable, sitting close on the same couch with her, who in return seemed to radiate enjoyment — Kinger’s advice had worked, though there was still some work both had to go through mending old cracks in their comparably young friendship.
Here in the Circus time went down differently, slowing and accelerating at it’s own pace, never bending to the human mind’s rules and knowledge of it. Pomni didn’t mind it, though. At times it felt relaxing watching it flow by like viscious liquid, stretching on like honey, casting golden lights upon them — like it felt right now. Caine’s absence offered solemnly quietness, like the world had come to a halt.
Seeing everyone sitting by one another enjoying still companionship almost had a homey feeling. Back at her work in the break room and her favorite co-workers, sharing coffee and videos of urban exploring they’d taken on the weekend. Not many watched her videos, but if someone did it was always them.
Pomni had missed genuine interactions ever since entering the Circus. It must be crushing to have such… small selections of people to be around, and messing up a link could mean isolation from others. She’d seen it perfectly with Jax, the one example on what might happen if you actively push everyone away until you stand all alone against everything. Disappear into the dark shadows, a place worse than the void, worse… than the cellar.
The disappointment she’d felt was unprecedented, caving a hole in her chest the Jester hadn’t quite figured out to fill yet. There had been moments in her previous life where people had let her own in terms of humanity and respect and she hadn’t come back to ever forgive them about it. Though, deep down, her situation with Jax felt disconnected from these moments — not simply relating to their unique environment and circumstances, but the way he’d been so disingenuous with her in his words, quite literally lying to convince himself, but never her.
Impatience made itself visually clear through her bouncing leg, hand cradling her cheek and eyes darting throughout the tent. It’d been a while in total silence, only occasionally broken by Ragatha flipping another page or Gangle’s pen scratching over her sketchbook — peacefully sure, but nevertheless quite unhelpful for Pomni’s already overflowing mind scape filled with all those possibilities of Jax’ behavior and how he’d been doing. Unlike her there was no support system for his stubbornness, no one checking up on him. She’d not been surprised that no one had even brought up his name or absence, almost like they’d expected his behavior. How couldn’t they, everyone here except Pomni knew him far longer.
But somehow, duration didn’t make up for depth. Jax had shown her an unmasked version of himself no one else would’ve seen, otherwise his destitute display — or lack thereof, considering he was playing truant — would’ve awoken an entirely different reaction. At least from a individual like Ragatha. Similar to Pomni she’d been aching, and the feeling of failing Jax had begun to spread outward too. Not just wearing her heart on her sleeve, but intentions too, her memories spilling out slowly. A few of them entrusted towards Pomni during their dimly lit exchange, sitting together on Ragatha’s busy bed now freed from pillows and stuffed animals, both hugging their legs tightly as their source of comfort.
The sound of dishes crashing and clanking had all of them look up in confusion, their heads snapping around. Their echoes went on for a while, painting a picture of utter chaos somewhere in the tent.
“What the f[ ]ck was that?” Zooble asked, using the couch’s back to lift themself up.
“I… have no idea,” Pomni chimed in, exchanging confused glances with Ragatha, who in turn put down the magazine. “Sounded like plates or something.”
“Oh god, please don’t tell me Caine’s planning something again,” the toybox character groaned. “I swear I’ll kill him if he is. Those last few days were finally somewhat normal.”
Like he’d been summoned — and speaking of the devil in Zooble’s case — the ringmaster wasn’t far off to hear their last words, immediately zooming up to the collection of avatars struggling to keep their eyes from rolling in utter annoyance. Bubble wasn’t too far off from his side, wearing a chef’s hat and wielding his knifes like he was fighting invisible foes.
“NOW NOW, my superstars!” Caine’s booming, sickeningly joyful voice cut through their subtle groaning and drowned it out quickly, almost like he didn’t even want to hear their bemoaning attitudes. “That’s not the energy we’d love to see here at the Amazing Digital Circus!”
“Ragatha, I might need to borrow that stupid sauce again,” Zooble whispered as they leaned over to the ragdoll, eyes squinted with annoyance. “I can barely deal with him sober.”
Ragatha didn’t even got a chance to respond as Caine brought himself between the two of them physically, blocking their conversation without second thoughts. “I know how… troublesome the last adventure had been for all of you — to no surprise, it wasn’t my adventure after all — but I’d like to offer you something to make up for it.”
As quickly as he’d been between them he rose up into the air again. “Bubble had offered to cook for all of you again, and how could I deny him such a gracious idea?”
“Could be worse, I guess,” Ragatha mumbled, moreso to herself and the others than to answer Caine’s question. She got up, grabbing at the edges of her skirt to keep it leveled before throwing a quick glance at Pomni.
“You’re right. I would’ve expected him to throw us into another adventure,” the Jester sighed. “I’m really not in the mood for one.”
Walking past, Zooble made a faint chortling sound as they and Gangle followed Caine into the dining area. “Welcome to my daily mindset.”
“I could get used to it,” Pomni chimed into the joke, all four now walking alongside one another towards a richly filled table, set with all kinds of plates, dishes and bowls. For once, it even looked… edible, and like food she’d see in the real world.
Sitting down Pomni noticed one chair right next to her remained empty, little space, though it felt like a canyon opening up. Jax’ chair. Ragatha had changed seats with Gangle, now sitting on Pomni’s right, but even she couldn’t halt this upsurging, weirdly clotting feeling inside of the Jester’s airways.
Dreadful knots forming in her stomach she paused, putting aside the cutlery she’d already picked up, staring down onto potatoes, peas and meat glistening in all their digital glory. Everything seemed fake and too shrill for it’s own good, hard to even take it serious. Like herself. Like a Jester. Urgency within her chest had grown the past couple of hours, threatening to consume her fully now that she’d been sitting at the table. Looking up, Pomni realized Bubble and Caine had disappeared — wherever to, she didn’t care, though it worked perfectly for her plan.
Overcoming her hunger by quickly wolfing down the peas on her plate, knowing Jax would most likely not enjoy staring down on a bunch of small, little dots, Pomni was quick to finish them. They tasted as expected, hollow, watery, bitter, but it at least gave her time to overthink her approach and finally get up from the chair.
Ragatha taking notice looked up while she did that, hands clenching around a plate filled two-thirds with food — potatoes and meat resting on there waiting to be consumed, their outlines faintly crackling with polygons and static. The Jester moved quickly and discreetly, like she didn’t intend to disturb anyone mid-eating.
“Where are you going?” Confused, Ragatha tilted her head, cutlery still raised, frozen in their movement. “Not hungry?”
“Nah, not really. You… have fun. I’ll be back soon.” Pomni couldn’t help but muster up a somewhat helpless smile, quickly ushering from the table plate in hand — a detail Ragatha quickly caught on with, her brows furrowing. She knew exactly who that food was for. Not Pomni, that much was certain.
Ragatha sighed, a mixture of disappointment she couldn’t quite place and hopefulness. Hoping that it might lure Jax out of his self-inflicted solitary confinement, get him to speak or do anything but sulk. If it hadn’t been for her pride, and frankly self-preservation, she would’ve already attempted to speak to him. ‘Give people space’ Kinger had advised her, ‘and they might return to you sooner than you think’.
She would’ve loved to wish Pomni luck, knowing she’d be visiting Jax and possibly offering the food to him — after all, they hadn’t seen him in days. Maybe he could make use of it, despite their lack of hunger. Picking up her fork again Ragatha continued eating, listening in on Gangle and Zooble with one ear while the other was lost in white noise driven by her overthinking mind running overtime.
Within his room, Jax had found some peace for now. He laid unmoving on his bed, sheets wrangled around his body from when he’d been tossing and turning without any rest, unable to sleep — unable to close his eyes for more than a few seconds. Seeking desperate rest he felt something approaching. Steps outside the door, scurrying closer with great eagerness and panic had his ears perk up lightly.
Then, the door rattled, shaken and disturbed by hands slightly knocking against the oak wood. Pomni had barely grazed the wood with her knuckles, too uncertain to even fully disturb him — if he was even in the room in the first place.
Maybe she’d be speaking to darkness, nothing but a void, and Jax had already found a new hiding spot far away from them. Like a true rabbit he was turning invisible, prey instinct driving him out of harm’s way, unknowing that the biggest threat loomed inside of him.
“Jax?” Her voice. Right outside the door, hesitantly calling out his name. Calling out for him. It sounded… dull inbetween the crashing of imaginary, black waves, threatening to take over his mind, paired with an insufferable high-pitched ringing echoing within his ears and head.
“Jax? Are you in there?” She knocked another time, listening to the echo within the room behind the door, voice never voided of underlying panic Pomni didn’t even care to mask. “I… if you are, I’d love to talk with you. If you’re up to it. I know it’s… weird, and frankly I wasn’t so sure to even come at all—…”
“No. F[ ]ck off.” Voice distant, coming from somewhere far inside his room, distance unseen.
Hearing him swear felt off, and Pomni rolled her eyes. At least he couldn’t see that. Her fingers tightened around the plate, fearing it might simply break underneath the pressure she applied. But her stubbornness was greater than him. He was about to meet an unmoving object. She heard his steps inside, restless, an animal trapped in it’s own burrow. Finally, they subsided, louder than they were before.
“Not going to happen,” Pomni objected his idea, sitting down in front of the door, back leaned against it and plate still steady in her hands. She felt the door’s frame move slightly, as if someone else was also leaning against it from the other side, though with heavier weight than her own. “I’m staying.”
“You should be staying away,” he growled, darkness in his voice making the door between them vibrate faintly. “There’s nothing I want to talk about with you.”
“That’s not true. You’re lying again.” She rapped her knuckles against the door again, light brushes — but she knew he’d hear them. “You’re a terrible liar, by the way.”
“Cool. Didn’t ask.” Another growl. “Now go away!”
Well, they’d gotten to a new point. He raised his voice and did not succumb to silence.
Inside, Jax hugged his legs, feeling the echo of his pounding hear through his ribs. He was shaking again, though this time it wasn’t due to temperatures.
“I don’t need your fixing. It’s not your job. Or anyone else’s for that matter.” He didn’t dignify her with space or time to respond. “Just leave me be.”
“I can’t.” Pomni hesitated, allowing Jax to reply before she could add onto her sentence.
“Why not? It’s easy. Turn around, and go. Use your legs.” She could almost see him gesturing to himself and into the air behind the closed door. “You know how walking works, don’t you?”
“Yeah I do. Not as well as you thought considering how much you’re running from yourself.” Pomni didn’t even know where her courage to confront him like that came from, though it ended with a mixture of dread and uncertainty in her chest. She sat up upright, plate still in her hands, slowly turning her head towards the door.
Surprisingly, silence followed. No snarky remark, nothing. She’d preferred him to say something, but instead Jax fell into a stifle; sobriety of words. Then he stood up, rabid, nervous patterns of steps — at one time Pomni even assumed he was simply drumming his foot against the floor, like a nervous rabbit in a predator’s sight, knowing of it’s doom.
The tension in her chest only grew. “Is everything okay?” Rising to her feet the Jester faced the door, coming in closer, hand raised once more.
What a stupid question. Of course it wasn’t.
She heard him rummaging around inside, steps scurrying from side to side until they approached her. His door opened with such force that Pomni found herself staggering back a few steps, eager to keep the plate steady and avoiding anything falling down; one hand still raised with intention to knock. Despite the Circus’ huge inside all of the walls of Jax’ room seemingly closed in on them.
No amount of space felt appropriately far enough, offering the space he so urgently craved for solence and peace inside of raging voices taking over his mind. Jax stood silently in the doorway, sinewy frame hunched forward with exhaustion, not so much consideration towards Pomni looking up to him. Her eyes meeting Jax’ face, widening at the sight of his appearance.
Left eye hidden underneath what seemed to be hastily made patch the other stood empty, devoid of his usual emotions and jest, dull and pupil constricted into a pinpoint. Signature smile turned into a frown rivaling on grimaces Jax’ entire face seemingly lost all it’s color over the span of a few days, horrifyingly accurate representation of his inner feelings. Even his stance didn’t appear correct, swaying like he was constantly being pushed by invisible forces; a flag in the wind.
“What do you want.” He didn’t even word it as a question. “Speak or leave me alone.”
And her mouth repeated the obvious. “I’d like to talk to you.”
He gave her a sneer. “Won’t happen.”
Pomni was quick to react and rightfully so, because Jax tried to close the door again — only to find himself confronted with her foot in the doorframe.
Groaning, he almost growled at her. “Stop.”
“I’m not leaving you alone until we’ve spoken. Please.”
“God, you’re annoying.”
“Good. Now, you wanna let me in?”
“I’d rather not.”
“Talking on the hallway is just less private. I assume you’d appreciate no eavesdropping, too.”
“You know me too well.” Those words didn’t come positively, rather they sounded dreading — like he hated acknowledging this fact, and that Pomni did in fact knew more about his shtick than Jax ever wanted anyone to. They usually left him alone before coming to the conclusions Pomni drew within mere hours of being in a team. Then, a sigh. Exhausted, thrown between their frames with little care — if none. “Fine.”
At least she’d gotten him to come out of the room — for now, and to her surprise, he pulled through with it, letting her inside and closing the door, engulfing the two of them in darkness. Pomni’s grip on the plate tightened.
“You have somewhere… we can sit on?” She asked, cutting through black with her softly spoken words. Anything to distract him from simply pushing her out again.
“Here’s just fine.” Jax plopped right back onto the bed, shoulders tensed up, gripping at the sheets. “It doesn’t matter anyways.”
As she sat down next to him Pomni felt the coldness radiating off of Jax’ body, explaining his shaking earlier — like he’d been freezing, far beyond what a human could usually tolerate without harm. It came off of him with such strength even herself shivered faintly.
“I brought some of the food Caine got us,” Pomni spoke, intentionally not wording it like she’d done it explicitly for him. She knew Jax’ pride would grow too big to ever accept it. “It’s quite good for what it is. The peas were… acceptable, but I never liked them anyways.”
“Why did you eat them then?”
“It felt polite. Bubble watched us while we ate, so I just forced them down. I wasn’t that hungry anyways.” She sat the plate down between them, Jax’ ears perking up faintly, their movement caught in his piercings jingling quietly when they swayed into one another.
His hand lifted itself almost mechanically, instinct-driven, but hesitantly so — he wanted the food, he wanted to take her up on the offer, though his pride stood in the way. Pomni knew she had to push him over the edge.
“Surprisingly, it’s really tasty. I’ve seen even Ragatha enjoying it.” Using the Ragdoll’s rather picky eating behaviors Jax was well aware of helped.
Finally the rabbit allowed himself to get over his mental barrier, grabbing the plate and placing it on his lap, legs trembling and making the cutlery clank together. He took to the food like a starving fox in the forest, scarfing it down with such vigor it felt almost offensive to watch. Turning her head sideways Pomni’s eyes focused, slowly adjusting in the darkness surrounding them on all sides. At least some of the hallway’s lights managed making their way underneath Jax’ door, allowing for some dim luminance.
A beacon of… hope. A ray of it, more realistically. Not the goal, but a beginning.
His meal was finished with a shaky sigh, sounding less tired or aggressive than before. Shoulders rising and sinking with steady breaths he put the now emptied plate on the floor.
She grinned. “And? Did I tell the truth?”
“Huh?”
“Was it good?”
“I guess so.”
Some admission. She knew he’d liked it despite his ravenous attitude.
“I wonder what your archetype is,” Jax mumbled into the upcoming silence, bringing up a topic she hadn't quite expected to hear from him right now. “You’re… generous. Annoying. Nagging. Caring. Gentle. Aggressive. Strong. Vulnerable. All at once. I don’t get it.” He genuinely sounded confused. “Why… aren’t you like the others?”
"Huh?" She made a sound akin to her confusion, and he rolled his eye at her.
"Didn't you say you wanted to talk? So, go on then."
Pomni shifted her seat, head slowly tilting. “People are so much more than their archetype,” she argued, finding her words again, voice quiet, not even loud enough to throw an echo throughout the vast room surrounding them. “There’s complexity to each person — like you said. You don’t get me… because I’m not one adjective. As are the others. They’re all individual humans, people, with their own strengths and weaknesses, fears and joy. If I’m complex they are, too.”
“I can’t see it.” Jax shook his head, breaking eye contact again. “I can’t see people when all they are… are those avatars. I can’t even see myself when I look in the mirror. There is nothing left of the person I’m supposed to be. How can I see myself as human when I’m not even close to one?”
“Humanity… doesn’t just come from your appearance,” Pomni gently replied, drawing her knees in closer to her chest, hugging them with her arms. Nervously playing on her bracelets she sighed. “Humanity is… a concept. It’s not just in how you look, it’s inside of you. Your mind is human, despite everything… it’s still you. And I’m still me, no matter how much I look like a cartoon… clown.”
She saw him snort silently, shoulders jerking slightly. It felt good to witness, a display, a reaction after hours of silence and sitting quietly by each other’s side. “You’re you, but what does that make you?”
“A human.”
His next snort came with sarcasm. She knew denial when she saw it. He’d never left this stage of grief after all.
“No matter how we all look there’s more to us than… this.” Releasing her legs for a moment, Pomni shifted around on the bed. “You mentioned archetypes.”
His ear flicked. “What about them?”
“You have seen the others break these types, haven’t you?” Pomni dared to ask. “You have seen them be everything but their archetype. Gangle being happy with the tommy gun, Ragatha being sad, Zooble being gentle… and you hated it, because it reminded you of their humanity. Of your own.”
No reply this time, not even a scoff, jeer or laugh. His eyes fixated on the floor Jax’ ears slowly lost their tension, lowering until they threw shade over his absent face. Her words hit home, they hit deeply — and first and foremost, they hit truth. Another shiver ran through his veins, familiar coldness approaching. Slowly moving his gaze towards Pomni Jax took a breather.
She radiated warmth, and he almost unknowingly scooted closer to her, keen on keeping their bodies from actually touching. His face turned to the side, eyes averting hers, he leaned a tad over Pomni, using her as a heater.
It felt… comfortable, almost enough to successfully distract his mind from the inevitable.
She brought her knees to her chest again, putting her chin on it as she watched him, making no comment of his behavior as to not scare him off. Instead, she chose to cut the topic, and bring forth a new one. “Were you… happy before you got here?”
Pomni’s question awakened something within Jax, and his head snapped upwards, facing her with both sadness and confusion. “What?”
“Before you put on the headset and got transported here… where you happy?” Pomni couldn’t help but grin faintly. “What was your life like? And I mean your life, not Breaking Bad.”
“Why do you even bother asking me that question?”
“Because I’m curious. I wanna know more about you.”
“Not gonna happen.” Jax made himself smaller, ears now laying flat against his head, eyes turned away, pupils almost invisible behind the shadow of his eyelids. “There’s no use in recalling any of that information anymore. We’re stuck here, so why does it even matter?”
Hopelessness.
“To remain human. We all remember our past lives, and we do speak of it — some more fondly that others. The bar adventure really gave everyone an opportunity to be real, but you…”
“I didn’t chose that option,” he finished her sentence.
“Yeah, I know. You could’ve.”
“It would’ve opened wounds I’m not ready to face. Nor do I want to give the others any… ammunition.”
“You already do with the way you’re carrying yourself. They know so much more about you that I haven’t seen yet, and I do not want to see it until you’re ready to show me yourself.”
“You’re too good for your own self, you know that, do you Pompom?” He asked, softly, and his voice spelled that nickname oddly gently. “If you keep that heart on your sleeve it might end up bloodying the fabric.”
She wasn’t going to play into his demeanor. “Or it might end up helping someone who needs it.” Her words struck a cord, and she noticed — his face settled.
“I think I know what your archetype is.” Hesitating after his own words he fell into silence, eyes quickly darting over to Pomni before fixating on something else in the room again.
One of Pomni’s hands found it’s way on her face, resting on her cheek. “Well, what is it?”
His eyes couldn’t help but look at her again. The way she cradled her own face, her eyes unwaveringly meeting his own — filled with nothing but curiosity and a hint of sadness. “You’re the hopeful one,” he spoke, voice cracking inbetween words, sounding parched and void.
Jax could see how much it scared her, and he slowly lifted his head, meeting her concerned gaze — smiling almost apologetic, though not honestly, a glint that never quite reached his own eyes, and he cleared his throat. “You showed me humanity, and it scared me. Seeing the others break their archetype… scared me as well.”
Confused, Pomni reached out — verbally. She needed to understand him, and for Jax to see that she truly tried. “Why are you so scared of being human?”
“Being in the Circus means survival. It’s awful. After a while, it gets to you, eats you from the inside. I was so done. I was tired. I just didn’t want to mistake this survival for living anymore.” He pleaded with invisible forces, words not even directed at Pomni. She heard them, though well aware they weren’t meant for her. Jax’ shoulders slouched further as he hugged his knees, wrapping arms around legs until he was smaller than ever. “I hate the pain I’m in. And I can’t do anything against it. I did this to myself, and made it everyone else’s problem.”
“Do you think they’re all hurting?”
“Yes.” He didn’t hesitate with his reply, voice cracking and filled with a sob not quite present. “They are. They’re all hurting so much, and seeing it makes it just worse. But they’re so… weird in how they approach this pain. I just don’t get it.”
“Sometimes… pain is okay. We all hurt from time to time, some more than others. It’s what humans do,” Pomni gently brought forth. “Joy, pain, sadness, anger, grief, it all comes down to our nature. Without these emotions where would be end up? We’d be nothing — we’d might as well never be born.”
She watched him fall into silence, and continued. “We’re so much more than our fears. It’s okay to fear the unknown, humanity in itself — it is scary, but it’s not there to cause you harm.”
“How can you be so sure? You’ve only been here for a couple of weeks. Others have been here for years. You’ve seen what it does to Kinger, for example.”
“He’s not that bad as you might think he is. He’s more than his crazy archetype… and maybe it’s time you get to experience that yourself.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“Talk to him. In the dark — when you’re ready. I’ve found that his advice… can really soothe.” Pomni smiled to herself, remembering the haunted mansion adventure. “It’s insightful.”
His ear twitched. She’d struck a nerve. “Maybe… maybe not. Who knows. I’ll… let you know, I guess.”
Mutual silence befell their distance again, filling it whole — though there was little to be taken, as Jax still leaned over Pomni, who in turn slowly looked up towards him. Time had gone by quicker than she had expected, feeling familiar weight of her body. It was getting late, and she was tired. There was no good to be expected from a conversation held by minds too exhausted for their own good, and she made a decision.
“I should be going back. The others might ask questions otherwise… and I do not want them to get onto your case and annoy you.” Pomni hated saying it, hated assuming — considering Caine’s latest, wacky lesson had been about such. “You deserve some peace and quiet after everything, no matter what had been said.”
She got up from the bed, halfway to the door, using the spotty hallway’s light beam as orientation in the dark. Hand outstretched towards the knob, Pomni was stopped by Jax moving.
“Wait.” His voice came weak, spoken quietly but urgently, his only line of showing his emotions. There was no masking this time, they both knew it. “Don’t go, please.”
Even the way he sounded was so utterly different from before, running goosebumps down Pomni’s back. It felt… strange, estranged to be more precise, and she hesitated. She turned around, faced with his trembling hand outstretched like he’d tried to grab her, fingers curling in softly on themselves when she acknowledged his request.
“You’d… want me to stay here with you?”
“For the night. I can’t bear being alone.” Shivering, his chest heaved with almost desperate breaths. “P-please.”
There were no words needed. Her hand letting go of the knob was enough, silently settling back into his bed Pomni felt his arms reaching out, asking for permission with the way they hovered over her body.
“It’s okay,” she mumbled, leaning back until she felt his fur brush against her back, arms following. He was so much taller than her, almost able to wrap them around her body twice. “You wanna sleep?”
A nod, his chin moving her hair, gentle breezes of expelled breath drafting down her neck. He held her, not too tightly, though with intent. And fear, deep down where he didn’t have to look to admit it.
“Alright.”
Chapter 4: Another Day Of Sun
Summary:
That one chapter where they make sandwiches and end up crying.
Ragatha has a feeling she can't quite ignore, and makes plans for the morning to come.
Notes:
Welcome back my watery cheeseburger wrappers! Another day, another chapter. This one's a tad longer (clocking in at around 8k words, woah!) and has a lot of dialogue.
Funnybunny Bonding 2 Electric Boogaloo. As always there's art at the end of the chapter, which for today includes Jax' design reference for the AU! Spoilered for those who do not follow my tumblr and would like to remain spoiler-free in regards to his design progression :]
I'll gradually reveal visual design changes and other things relating to spoilers in their respective chapters so readers on AO3 can decide to be surprised by whatever comes up. I'm already working on chapter 5 which shouldn't take too long to finish within the week.Thank you all for reading, the kudos, comments and bookmark! I read every single one <3
Chapter Text
They say, "You gotta want it more"
So I bang on every door
And even when the answer's "No"
Or when my money's running low
The dusty mic and neon glow
Are all I need
And someday as I sing a song
A small-town kid'll come along
That'll be the thing to push him on and go go
She awoke wrapped in his arms, warmth gently shared between their bodies tightly pressed onto one another, separated by nothing but fabric rustling quietly — matching the room’s dim, peaceful atmosphere.
A broken mess of a person held together by shambles barely forming a body, wrapped in warmth and hope softly glowing from within a body too tiny for it’s own good. Maybe it was idolization, maybe it was worship.
You can’t love a person through worship, nor could you through any other means that put them above oneself, an invisible pedestal causing distance to build up through means of nothing more but imaginary means.
Jax did not enjoy relationships like these. Even though he’d found solence — for now, that is — in her, capable pushing down their previous argument days earlier in the moment, he did not desire anything more… as far as he was aware.
He did not shatter within her presence. She was the glue keeping his pieces intact, keeping individual pieces together with soft hands applying little, gentle pressure, hugging a mirror filled with splinters point inward. Merely drowsy by sleep still clinging onto him he felt her move, barely, but noticeably — lightly stretching out her own arms followed by quite the yawn. Jax decided to remain still for now, enjoying this moment of shared bodies far too much for his own good, however he pushed these thoughts deep down.
He’d ruined enough moments, he wasn’t about to ruin this one; no matter how adamant he’d always been on pushing everyone away, keeping them at distance — so they could never strike first. To Jax, it always had to be him who got the first and last laugh, avoidance behavior at it’s finest while being the most confrontational that he could possibly be.
Pomni felt Jax’ breath run down her neck, causing faint goosebumps along it’s way until it finally warmed up enough. A smile blessed her face, dimples slowly forming when she realized they’d slept through the entire ‘night’ cycle, allowing some desperately needed rest on the rabbit’s side. Somewhere down the line she’d changed from her usual clothes as Jax had given her a shirt to sleep in, way too oversized for her small frame, hanging down like a dress and reaching her knees.
He had done the same, just wearing pants that could work as a tent for the Jester, upper body left bare. Slowly, carefully moving over and taking a look at him Pomni found his self-made patch had lost it’s adhesion, slipping further down his face and leaving his left eye open for her to look at it.
It didn’t appear… any different — at least not to her, though making out any details in such dark environments had never been her strong suit. Closed as it was there was little to be taken from it’s appearance anyways, Pomni found, and raised her hand. For a moment she hesitated, lingering above his face for far too long. Then, she grabbed the patch, gently, and carefully trying to re-attach it.
If Jax had worn it before approaching her, he might have his reasons, and even though curiosity burned within her chest she wasn't about to disrespect his decision the second her hand applied any kind of pressure onto the faint outlines of his face, he awoke.
Eyes shooting open so quickly it kind of scared her, and she found herself flinching further back than anticipated. Hands quicker than he ever anticipated them to be Jax covered his left eye, snapping his head to the side; deep down laid desperate hope that Pomni hadn’t seen anything suspicious.
“Did I scare you awake?” She asked, trying to remain calm despite her heart beating ever faster. Uncertain if it’d been her tired mind playing visual tricks or truly something she had just witnessed Pomni hid said confusion quickly.
Had one of his eyes changed color?
It for certain did not appear yellow unlike the other, though clearing that suspicion up was impossible now — Jax had stuck the patch back on, fiddling with it through nervous hands.
“Kinda,” he admitted, sounding way calmer than he behaved. “I was already a tad awake and just felt your finger prodding at my eye.”
“Sorry, I just wanted to put the patch back on.”
“Uh— thanks.” He hesitated greatly, pupil nervously darting towards her and the door. For a moment her chest contracted, feeling heavy. Was he about to kick her out?
Then, he asked: “How long did we sleep for?”
She sighed in relief. Phew. No kicking out I suppose. “No idea. Are there any watches or… clocks?”
“I have a watch. No clue where it came from, but it has it’s uses — whatever time’s worth in here anyways.” Jax shrugged and ruffled through the mane lining his neck, walking towards a desk barely lit by outside lights.
Slowly but surely Pomni had grown better at making out different furniture in his room. The aforementioned desk stood right next to the bed, accompanied by a chair, while what seemed to be a bookshelf lined the wall opposite to the bed.
Some more shapes stood around, hard to decipher for now, but furniture nontheless. One of them could be a beanbag in the corner, possibly meant to sit in for reading as it was right next to the shelves.
An interesting look into a room kept pretty much a secret for most of her time in here, and somehow, Pomni felt honored to have seen so much. Who knew how much the others could’ve witnessed during their time?
Possibly nothing, considering how secretive Jax behaved with anything… and yet, he’d opened to her so smoothly since yesterday, being honest and vulnerable.
“There it is.” The watch’s dial lit up, casting a teal rim light onto Jax’ face. “It’s, uh… apparently past 4PM. No clue if that’s even true or not, but still. Yeah we slept in by a lot.”
“You needed it,” Pomni concluded, watching Jax nod faintly. “I’m glad you got the sleep you missed out on.”
“Me too.” He hesitated, seemingly wanting to add more onto his words, holding himself back. Another hand ruffled his mane. “Anyways, uh— you… wanna stay? Or do you wanna go back to the others?”
Even the way he asked was so utterly different from his usual demeanor, though Pomni noticed how his tone shifted slightly. Like he wasn’t quite offering it, wanting to see if she’d stay by her own volition and now because he asked.
Crossing her legs on the bed, Pomni sat further upright, smile on her face. “Sure, I can stay.”
There was no loudly spoken thanks, but it lingered silently between them, solemnly glinting in the depth’s of a yellow eye when Jax slowly tilted his head more sideways, ears swaying softly — revealing a short-lived, though honest smile appearing on his face now finally void of most exhaustion. He appeared way more content, almost… peaceful.
Her own smile remained a tad longer, taking some time to sober up in which Jax returned to the bed and let himself fall onto it. Disturbed by the movement, some of the sheets rustled.
“I’m glad you were here,” he admitted, voice low. “I have no clue how I would’ve endured the night if… that weren’t the case.” His hands drew unspecific gestures into the air, alluding to nervousness the rabbit didn’t show within his voice. “It’s… rough.”
“It’s the least I can do,” Pomni mumbled, laying back down next to him. Their eyes locked onto the ceiling together while she folded her hands on her chest, interlocking fingers and playing with them. “After everything… I don’t know. It’s weird. Sure I could just hold onto that grudge I felt after we argued — and your words still hurt — but what good would it do?”
“I’m sorry.” Jax’ words came surprisingly and gentle, thoroughly honest. She’d heard him apologize before, though not without some jest hiding underneath it, laughing while doing so and possibly drunk.
Completely sober and sound of min — in her opinion — he spoke aloud words Pomni would’ve never expected from him, and she turned her head towards him.
They were close enough that she felt strands of his fur brush over her face, and she almost sneezed. Jax didn’t seem to realize it, eye still staring straight forward, his hand slowly playing with some fur on his chest.
“I do mean it,” he added, sensing her hesitation. “I hurt you, and I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have to pay the price just because I couldn’t keep… those thoughts to myself.”
“I don’t think there could’ve been a satisfying outcome,” Pomni spoke, her own voice just as low as his, whispers only meant for their ears. “Some moments… sealed that entire argument’s fate. It just went downhill from there on.”
“Yeah, but still. There was some shit being said that didn’t have to be said,” Jax lamented, tugging at the fur now when he’d string it across his fingers. Some sort of sensing, some sort of pressure he could make out. Those words, revelations, apologies — they didn’t come easy to him. “Shit I deeply regret.”
Suddenly, he tensed up, feeling arms wrapping around his body. His eyes took a moment to follow his head and when he looked down, he saw Pomni’s face closely pressed against his chest, her own eyes closed.
She’d been hurt by his choice of words, how he’d thrown them at her — like knifes, trying to hit any spot possible, wanting her to back off and leave him be. And she had refused.
Refused to be bullied like that, treated like that after opening up to him. Deep down Pomni still felt like a fool, perfectly contrasting her Jester attire; he’d truly made her consider everything that ever came from that muzzle of his, and even now she found herself second-guessing few of his responses.
“Idiot,” she mumbled, voice muffled by his fur obstructing her mouth. “Just don’t say them again, alright?”
It took him a moment to respond, his hand still hovering above her hair, finally settling as Jax gently placed it on her head, fingers running through chestnut strands. “I promise.”
Apologies didn't have to take long. And they didn't have to cost him everything. A knot in his chest unraveling slowly he let her hair go, though his hand remained in place, feeling warmth underneath, rivaling his own freezing core which had started to come up again.
At least they had time for themselves... and for the first time in a long while Jax did not mind her presence.
Evening and night came with dimmed hallway lights once more. Watching the light beam underneath Jax’ door disappear, Pomni sat up from her lying posture, nudged awake from a short nap. She’d almost forgotten how much bed-rotting went into their day until now, eyes quickly darting over to Jax sitting on his desk, shoulders raising softly in rhythm of his chest moving; breath gently disturbing a few lose paper edges fluttering underneath crossed arms. Whatever had been going on with him those past days turned into visible exhaustion, and Pomni did not blame him one bit. She’d been feeling it in her own body, heavy and demanding, making her drowsy just thinking about socializing.
His ear flicked as she got up from the bed, head slowly turning upward, sleep glazed over his dim, yellow eye. “Where are you going?”
“Grabbing some water,” Pomni admitted. “You… wanna come with me? It’s night, so the other are sleeping.”
After everything she didn’t expect him to agree, though as she saw Jax’ short hesitation without outright saying ‘No’, the Jester added something to her offer: “We could get food, too. And it’s kinda dark out there — I’m not a huge fan of darkness.”
But you’ve been enduring it inside of here. For me?
Jax’ thoughts spiraled in on themselves and as quickly as they came up, he suppressed them again.
Doesn’t mean anything. She might be lying for my sake. Who knows, she loves abandoned buildings, why would darkness even scare her?
He almost shook his head.
Fuck it. At least she won’t see too much in the darkness, of how pathetic I look.
“Yeah. I’ll come with you,” he finally agreed, breaking silence. “My throat’s parched.”
“I can hear that.” She smiled, happy that he hadn’t said No.
Opening the door both were greeted by a certain kind of dimness, desolate hallways stretching on. Underneath some of the other’s doors light shined through from their respective own lamps, muffled voices came from Zooble’s room — possibly them and Gangle. Pomni had noticed they’d started to share rooms more often. She couldn’t blame them. After all she had just spent the entire last night and day with Jax’ inside his room, and apparently, this night would be no different.
She had little desire returning to her own space for now, simply glad the rabbit hadn’t kicked her out — no, quite the opposite.
Welcoming her presence with open arms, embracing a warmth he’d been missing before. Even his shivering and freezing had subsided for the most part, demeanor and mood stabilized.
Pomni still wasn’t quite sure what had pushed him to this, though his short disappearance at the Award’s show appeared like a sign to her. Asking him about it was on her mind, not for now, but rather at a later point in time. Possibly when he was finally stable enough to even recall that moment.
“So, you mentioned food.” Jax’ voice came as a whisper, unwanting to draw attention to them silently walking past several doors with active occupants. “You think we can steal some of it from the kitchen before Bubble notices?”
“There’s a kitchen?” Genuinely surprised Pomni blinked up as Jax hunched down further to allow easier eye contact. “I didn’t know that.”
“Of course there’s one. Where do you think the food comes from?”
“Well…” Pomni shrugged. “I assumed it was just materialized into existence like most items Caine uses. Didn’t know the Circus actually had a room for that.”
“It’s still digital food and props, but it’s stored in a kitchen. Actually, to be quite honest it didn’t even exist when most of us arrived,” Jax explained, familiar grin faintly painted onto a relaxed face.
Witnessing this, Pomni’s happiness got quite obvious. She enjoyed seeing him far more laid back than last night, where he’d been literally shaken by panic and fear. “So Caine added it?”
“We suggested it to him. Bubble seemed to have a lot of fun with the addition of the kitchen knifes, too.”
“Doesn’t surprise me.”
Within the tent’s vast ceiling and surroundings their steps seemed too quite. Nightfall had truly reached the inside in here, too, sobering it up from bright colors and shrill accessories littering wide spaces.
Pomni found it weirdly comforting, and Jax’ frame visibly relaxed, tired posture slowly gaining energy.
“So, where is this so-called kitchen? I’m curious now that you’ve told me,” the Jester whispered, excitement not only audible in her voice, but also visible on her face, and the rabbit playfully scoffed.
“It’s further down back. Caine used an empty room in the back for it, and for what it is it’s quite cozy.”
“As long as it’s not a fast food kitchen I can work with that,” Pomni joked, watching Jax roll his eyes.
Shaking, the fur on his neck bristled, giving him the appearance of a startled cat — or disgusted one, which fit more appropriately with his words. “For the love of god, don’t bring Spudsy’s into this one,” he shuddered. “I almost managed to forget about it.”
“Alright, alright, I’ll keep quiet about it,” Pomni swiftly accepted, “so, what are you planning on making? In terms of food, I mean.”
“I don’t know… sandwiches? We got the ingredients, I think. If Caine didn’t use all of them for the stargazing adventure.”
“Deal. Love me a good sandwich.”
“Me too.” His eyes scoured the kitchen, assessing everything in their path before rubbing his hands with newly found enthusiasm when he laid them atop a huge, shiny fridge on the back wall. “Dinner time, I suppose.”
Watching him made Pomni smile, glad to witness Jax finally coming out of the hard shell he’d assumed yesterday, especially before allowing her into his room — and how much more laid-back the rabbit seemed to be in her presence. Though she couldn’t quite forget their heated argument, the words thrown at one another with force and anger both of them did not suppress, literal punches exchanged… at least they had room to make up for it, and neither seemed unwilling to take steps the other hadn’t yet.
“Hey Pom?”
His voice tore Pomni out of her witnessing stance, causing her to quickly shake off her watching demeanor. “Yeah?”
“Can you grab the ingredients we’d need? I’ll prepare the tools, since, well…” Gesturing towards the counter space Pomni felt herself quickly met with a foe she wasn’t willing to take on.
They were pretty high, reaching up to her chest, making it hard to even look above them. What a great find — who was this kitchen made for? Giants like Jax?
Her dissatisfied expression made him snicker out loud. “Don’t worry. I can like, pick you up if you want.”
“No,” she quickly replied, holding back laughter at his outlandish suggestion. “No thanks, I can handle the ingredients. Any special wishes?”
One of his ears flicked. “Anything but corn?”
Pomni almost snorted. Obviously anything but corn. “I think I can work with that.”
Walking towards the fridge felt like approaching a mountain made from steel and polished reflections of herself, though she could easily reach it’s handles opening both doors with great enthusiasm. Greeted with several options glistening in all their digital glory Pomni made a mental list what she’d need from it.
Lettuce, mayo, tomatoes? Does he even like them? Whatever, I like them. Cold cuts, pickles… Caine’s been stocking that thing pretty decently.
Grabbing each item they quickly stockpiled on top of her arms.
Cheese? Sounds good. Maybe they got a microwave to quickly heat it up a bit. Unmelted cheese tastes like plastic. I kinda miss the russian cheese my mom used to bring from her trips.
“Alright, I think I got everything.” Closing the fridge door with her hip, Pomni balanced to keep everything on her arms, carefully watching over the almost toppling tower of ingredients she’d been holding. “Can you give me a hand?”
“What? Oh, yeah. Hold on.” Letting go of whatever he’d been looking at Jax ushered over, grabbing some of the items on top. “Better?”
Pomni nodded. “Yeah. It’s just a bit… hard to balance.”
His glance ran her up and down several times. “With those noodle arms? Obviously. Leave it to my manly arms to carry everything, don’t worry about it.” Straining his shoulders to flex some of his arm muscles Jax cackled to himself, quite amused by his own words — too amused for her.
Feeling incentivized to bite him, Pomni caught herself just in time as to not send her own cargo flying, instead pulling an playfully angry face at him which Jax responded to with snickering, eye squinting upwards from the force of his grin. "Watch it, rabbit. My bite's worse than my bark. Don't make me jump you."
“Oh you’re so lucky that I have no desire fighting with you,” he whispered, quickly baring sharp teeth behind the usual smile before hiding them as suddenly as they’d appeared. “Because I’m nice. For tonight.”
Pomni didn’t flinch at the sigh of his canines, instead, she raised her eyebrows, holding back obviously laughter. What a charming threat. After their last fight she knew he’d be fearing her teeth more than she’d ever fear his. “I am. Quite lucky indeed.”
They spread out their ingredients on the counter space and Jax helped her put down the items she’d still been carrying, before suddenly grabbing and hoisting her up. “Up you go.”
“Woah!” Surprised, Pomni quickly held onto his shoulders, emitting a noise between laughter and scandalized judgment. “You could’ve asked!”
“Would you have said Yes?” He gently put her down on the counter next to the cutting boards, grinning widely with that head tilt of his which made his eye squint.
“I mean— yeah!” She boxed him against the shoulder. “I don’t wanna stand next the counters like some lost dog and look up to you, my poor neck.”
“Wa, wa, wa. Can you give me the bread? It’s right next to your leg.” Nodding towards his desired item with his chin Jax found himself quickly met with the package — when it hit him in the face. “Thanks.”
“You’re welcome. That’s revenge for picking me up like I’m some cat you found on the street.”
He threw her a glance. “You assume I’ll pick up cats when I see them?”
“You do give off that vibe. You’d at least pet them.” She loved teasing him like this, watching his brows and face shift — never quite into annoying territory, but rather acknowledgment that she was matching his energy.
And who knew? Maybe something could bring him out of his shell, bring Jax to spill information he usually would’ve withheld from her.
Pomni’s eyes wandered throughout the kitchen. Like the tent itself it hadn’t been spared of numerous surreal and abstract paintings, most of them depicting some sort of eyes staring her down, rivaling an icy-cold unmoving gaze. It felt almost uncanny, like they were alive and belonging to a sentient system, veins running through the Circus, watching their every move and relaying information back to their ringmaster.
An itch ran through Pomni, and she couldn’t help voice those ideas out loud: “You ever wondered if Caine’s always watching over us in moments like these?”
A shrug, then a puzzled face and a grin. Jax didn’t take his own gaze off the board. “Maybe. He’s got his eyes everywhere. Maybe that’s why he freaked out when Zooble voiced her desire to have sex.”
Throwing her hands into the air with great vigor, Pomni clicked her tongue in played annoyance. “Oh my god. No. Don’t even put that image into my head. That wasn’t the direction I was looking for this to go.”
“What, I didn’t even do anything. That’s all your doing.” Words spoken in his usual tone, almost like nothing had ever changed — like Caine’s gun adventure had never even taken place in this timeline. “You asked and I honestly answered.”
Pomni crossed her arms. “That’s not— I meant like, if he’s watching us right now he’ll just see two idiots making a sandwich.”
“You mean one idiot.” Jax raised his eyebrow at her sitting atop the counter space, who in turn reflected that expression right back at him.
“I got the ingredients. Not my fault Caine build these damned counters so f[ ]cking high up!”
“Just grow some legs, worked for all of us.” Stretching out one of his hare-like legs he moved it in front of Pomni, who gently — but pretty intently — pushed it away.
“Haha,” she amused. “No it didn’t. Twig. Now get to cooking, cook,” Pomni added playfully, pointing towards the half-finished slice he’d been fiddling with.
Waving his knife around after spreading the rest of the mayo, Jax came to a thought he immediately voiced aloud, looking over at the Jester while doing so. “We could really make use of a cook NPC, don’t you think?”
“That’d be such a boring life,” Pomni alleged, legs dangling from the counter’s edge. “Stay in the kitchen all day, making food that often times doesn’t even get eaten because we don’t really need it.”
“It’d be like a job, I guess. Something to occupy your mind in this drab place.”
She grinned. A good way to tease him again. “A… fast food job?”
“Hey!” He lifted the knife, though a playful expression spread across his face. “You said to never bring it up again. Why are you so concerned about how the NPC might feel, anyways?”
“I don’t know… they’re… well, they got feelings too?” Shrugging, Pomni brought her answer forth slowly, as if she didn’t quite knew how to word it — or if Jax would even care. She’d never really seen him interact much with NPCs outside of the adventures, and if so, he’d either fallen into his ‘funny’ role or pestered them.
“Ah, yeah, I forgot you made like, friends with that one NPC.” Jax moved his head, facing Pomni, who returned the gesture. “That… one dude, the dinosaur from the Candy adventure. What was his name again? Goobiegoo?”
She couldn’t help but chuckle at his miserable attempt to recall his features without sounding too mean. “Gummigoo,” she corrected him. “Well, he showed me humanity… so I gave him some in return.”
“How can an NPC even be… human? They’re what their name says, NPCs. Non-player characters. They’re not like us.”
“It tends to happen when they grow aware of what and who they are,” Pomni explained, knowing that deep down Jax might not even care one bit about that. “When we went down into the… development room, he saw his own model and those of the others. And it… scared him. He showed so much humanity in that moment, I just… couldn’t help myself but relate.”
“I’d be scared too if I found myself T-posing somewhere below the map,” Jax jested, and Pomni agreed with a nod.
“That’d be horrifying,” she admitted. “Though he seemed to be doing better… I guess. Last time I saw him he didn’t seem distressed about that, but might just be his reseted memories…”
“You met him again?” Jax sounded genuinely surprised.
“Yeah in the Spud— in Gangle’s adventure. He got used as customer, but he did not remember me. Or at least I think he didn’t, it was… strange?” Recalling those moments stung, deep inside her chest and Pomni put a hand above it, slowly rubbing on the spot like it’d been sore. Her fingers clawed into the fabric. Even though it seemed unnecessary and pretty sensible, she missed him — he’d been a good companion, friend, and being snapped out of existence only to re-appear with deleted memories didn’t feel fair. Not for him, and not for her. “Like I said, Caine most likely reseted his memories…” She sighed.
“Do you miss him?” Jax’ ears had perked up when he witnessed her nervous movements, eyes still fixated on making their food.
“Sometimes. We did bond down under the map,” Pomni quietly admitted, eyes somewhere in the room, distant memories — if she thought about it all of this hadn’t even gone down that long ago. It’s been mere weeks, maybe even less. “And he didn’t deserve to be just snapped out of existence.”
Jax remained silent for too long, and she took notice. His arms moved in steady rhythms, cutting through ingredient after ingredient, placing them in little stacks on his right side. For a moment Pomni considered moving on, when his voice appeared again.
“So, that Gummigoob dude. Would you date him?”
She had not expected such direct start into their next conversation topic, and her reaction — and expression — reflected those thoughts quite perfectly. “What kind of question is that!”
“Well, an interested one!”
“You’re the worst,” she laughed, nudging him in the side and Jax swaying to avoid her elbow. “Why do you wanna know?”
Theatrically striking a saddened pose with lowered ears Jax grasped his chest. “Can’t a lad ask a question without it having a deeper motive?”
Pomni felt compelled launching the cheese at Jax’ smirking face. “Not if the question's about me wanting to date Gummigoo!”
He fell right out of his dramatic pose, eye shooting up towards her. “Would you?”
“Jax!” Pomni refrained from bursting out into laughter, considering they’d just snuck into the kitchen to make food. She didn’t want to deal with Caine catching them in the act. “I’m not sure, actually. I’m not that much into… dating, I guess.”
Waving around the sandwich, Jax grinned. “Bummer.”
Huffing playfully, she tried to make herself taller. “What’s that supposed to mean now?!” Pomni couldn’t help but grin, scooting around on the counter. “Are you jealous?”
“What? Me? Of an NPC? Never.” Playfully rolling his eyes Jax continued fiddling around with the lettuce. “Never ever.”
The smirk on her face was big enough for her own eyes to squint. “I don’t believe you.”
“Well that’s too bad in that case!”
She remained quiet for a moment, only to continue talking with another thought. “But bringing that topic up did get me thinking just now,” Pomni interjected, gaze now lingering on Jax again, who’d grabbed some of the lettuce. “If an NPC can be human… then you can, too.”
A scoff from his side, his movements got quicker for a second. “I doubt that.”
“Don’t forget that you got one advantage over someone like… Gummigoo.” Pomni sat upright, putting her legs in a criss-crossed position, hands on her knees as she leaned forward. “You’ve been a human before. You can be one again… with some help and time. And no one will snap your memories away if you overstep boundaries.”
The hint of a familiar grin appeared on the rabbit’s face, eye squinting faintly. “You remember when I said you were the hopeful one?”
Pomni nodded. “Yeah. Why?”
“Maybe I’ll change it to the persistent one.” Jax said it with a chuckle in his voice, though it’s glint never quite reached his tired eye. “You just can’t stop bringing that up, can you?”
“I won’t stop, I fear,” the Jester argued, shrugging, “until you’re ready to listen.”
His ear turned towards her, eyes still focused on the cutting board. Responsible. “I am listening.”
“But are you really taking in what I say?”
“I am, otherwise I wouldn’t be responding, duh.” Waving the knife he rolled his eyes with a playful jest.
“Touché. You got a point there,” she admitted. “So, how’s the sandwich looking?”
“Quite good, if I may say so myself.” Jax placed a hand on his chest, winking. “Almost like this handsome devil here.”
Pomni fought with the desire to launch the cheese at him another time, hindering herself just barely to avoid it. “Haha. Yeah definitely. Do we have foil around here to wrap them up?”
“I think so. Maybe in one of the drawers.”
“Bet. I’ll check.” She almost jumped down from the counter when Jax put aside the knife, hands softly wrapping around her body again, placing her on the floor gently. He did not say a word, nor did she, but their gazes met for a split second — appreciation and casualness. Neither expected the other to do it, and yet, they did.
There were so many drawers in this damned kitchen. Pomni almost felt set back when she’d been desperate to find an exit, opening doors just to be met with another office hallways behind — each drawer she opened felt like a copy of the previous one until she finally found one in the very corner of the room which held some aluminum foil.
“Gotcha.” Her voice sounded triumphant, and Pomni waved the roll so Jax could see it.
“Nice. I’m almost done.” He grabbed the foil as Pomni returned, pulling off pieces large enough to fit their sandwiches. “Should be enough so we won’t go ‘hungry’.”
“Sometimes I miss that feeling of true hunger,” Pomni admitted, grabbing two of the sandwiches Jax extended towards her, voice filled with a hint of nostalgia — and sadness. “It’s weird simply not… feeling that anymore. Makes the food taste half as good as it could be.”
Jax sighed, tossing cutting boards and knifes into the sink as he did. “I suppose you’re right,” he mumbled, hesitating agreeing to such humanity-filled parts the Jester voiced perfectly, reflecting words he’d been running up and down his mind many times before. “Food’s bland without the desire to eat.”
“Good thing we can pretend in here.” It did not go past Pomni that he’d agreed to her in such intimate manner, allowing more open doors to show a light she’d rarely — if ever — seen him basked in. A light filled with honesty about how much he’d been missing his humanity despite overplaying it frequently. “These sandwiches will be good.”
“What makes you so certain about it?” He opened the tap, running warm water over cold steel. Anything to not meet her witnessing gaze.
“Because we made them.”
His ears flicked, a side eye thrown Pomni’s way. “You mean I made them.”
“Hey, I got the ingredients for you and offered entertainment while you cut them up!”
The edges of his mouth twitched, a smile barely forming, though earnestness painted it's feeble beginnings. “Fine, teamwork then.”
“Glad we can agree.” She grabbed a knife overlooked on the counter and walked up to Jax only to toss it into the sink. “Kobe.”
“Good shot.” Now his grin fully showed itself, like a butterfly’s wings spreading to reveal it’s colors. Even his eye lit up. “We can clean them… later, I guess. I’m starving. Come on.”
“I still can’t believe you dared to ask the dating question.”
Pomni’s voice was quiet, though with much intent, and Jax snickered. Returning to his room after wrapping up in the kitchen — and their sandwiches, each of them carrying two — the Jester couldn’t help but call out his playfully audacity again.
“I’m curious, can you blame me? The way you looked when you spoke of him…” He playfully batted cartoonish eyelashes at her. “This infatuated shimmer in your eyes, I almost threw up.”
“You’re not romantic, are you?”
“Well— not like that I guess!” He seemed oddly defensive before trying another grin. “I guess I can be if I want to. Gotta meet the right person for it though. They gotta earn it.”
“’They’?”
“Who knows if my future lover’s such a handsome lad as me or a strong, will-powered woman like—…” Jax stopped himself before continuing, and Pomni could’ve sworn she saw blush on his face. “I don’t mind. If you struck a cord with me anything else is just adaptation. Improvise, adapt, overcome. And come.”
“Oh my f[ ]cking god, you’re awful. That’s the second time you’re referencing sex.”
“If Zooble can, so can I,” he chortled. “What? Not your type of topic?”
“Well, I mean—…” Pomni quickly looked over to the side, trying her hardest to not blush over the artificial one on her face. “I prefer other acts of intimacy, I guess. It’s just not for me most of the time.”
She could witness Jax’ facial expression changing, brows lifting in surprise — and something else she couldn’t quite place. Genuine agreement? Thinking what she could mean with her words? Pomni didn’t know.
“Interesting,” he smoothly commented. “I think we can agree on that one, I think.”
“Huh. You tend to surprise me the more we talk.”
“I know.” Jax grinned. “That’s why I’m saying it. I think you get me on that topic. I suppose.”
Being deeply into their talk neither of them noticed shooting past Jax’ door, almost walking to the end of the hallway before quickly realizing they’d gone too far off.
“Well, seems like we’re both blind,” Pomni jested, taking lightly to their situation as she peaked towards a corner where the hallway took a turn. She’d never been down there, nor had her curiosity her ever driven down there. Wherever she’d gone to in the Circus had been fueled by adventures asking them to.
Jax did not reply. He stood frozen on the spot, head turned towards a door Pomni couldn’t quite see. It sat snuggly on the hallway’s corner, cast in shadows from walls surrounding it. But the obvious red cross smudging the person’s avatar image still remained visible, offensively contrasting against dim lighting. Jax’ shoulders shook and as quickly as his head had snapped towards it he turned right around, teeth clenched behind lips forming a snarl.
Worried, Pomni looked up. “Everything okay?”
“No. I just— let’s get back to my room,” he replied, voice breathy. Gone was the former jest tinting his face and voice, replaced by a sudden sorrow so deeply burrowed it almost came out as coldness. “Come on.”
He didn’t nudge or shove her, but instead walked past Pomni, subtle glance thrown if she was following. She did, although not without taking another peak at the door. Not bringing it up until they were back in the room Pomni gently sat down on the bed, watching Jax close the door with shaking hands. He almost dropped his food.
She decided to initiate the conversation. “Who was that?”
“I— No one.”
“You wouldn’t have reacted in such a way if it was ‘no one’,” the Jester argued, and instead of getting angry or upset as she’d expected of Jax his demeanor dropped with such heavy sigh it sounded like choking for a moment.
“An old… friend.”
She’d never heard him label anyone as ‘friend’ in the Circus, and it took Pomni by surprise. He noticed.
“Yeah, I used to have those,” Jax fell right back into his old persona, a desperate — and failing — attempt that did not align with the sadness quivering inside of his eye. “Shocker, right?”
“Not quite. I didn’t take you for the person that never had anyone,” Pomni admitted. “What’s their name?”
Another round of silence, filled heavily with grief and denial at the same time. She’d never suspected him to even reply honestly, and Pomni was in no way surprised Jax took this long. Possibly considering if she was worth being told more, being told details about his life possibly no one else had heard — in her mind.
“… Ribbit. I gave it to her. We arrived at the same time.”
That was more information Pomni had ever expected Jax to drop by just asking for his old friend’s name, and it took her aback with such vigor she stumbled to find words. “Both of you put on the headset?”
A nod. His ears shook, piercings softly chiming. “One after another. She was… more courageous than me, and when she suddenly disappeared I just… took after her.”
He’s telling me something about his real life past? Pomni considered herself lucky to not be eating right now, hands still wrapped around the sandwich. She’d most likely choked by now. What the fuck.
Jax continued, seemingly talking more to himself than Pomni, eyes lingering somewhere down the imaginary vastness of his room. His own sandwich still in hand he neglected to even start eating.
“Her avatar suited her. She was a frog, and when I saw her my first instinct was to laugh and just say ‘ribbit, b[ ]tch, you’re a frog!’. We both laughed, and… well…” His smile came and went quickly. “That’s what she chose as her name. She also named me in return, as revenge.”
“What was her inspiration?” Keeping him engaged, Pomni tilted her head. Hearing him open up, although tentatively, felt great, even if the topic started off heavy. Letting him air off some grief, allowing space for unjudged words.
“Jackass.” Jax’ grinned, head turning towards the Jester. “Her affectionate nickname for me was ‘Jaxass’.”
“Yeah, that sounds like a friend of yours,” Pomni chuckled, and he rolled his eye, playfully scoffing. "And that name fits, too."
“You would’ve liked her,” he replied, voice soft. One of his hands gently traced across a few of the papers on his desk he was leaning on. “She was… funny, spontaneous, always up for anything, and a sharp remark on the tip of her tongue. Though she hated being caught up in here.”
Pomni leaned forward, intrigued. He’d been talking longer than she’d anticipated. “Who wouldn’t?”
“No one, really. I suppose it felt different in her case because I knew how desperately she’d tried to get on the move. She could never stay in any city or town for too long until getting that itch for a road trip.”
“Understandable… I loved road trips. And being in the same place for too long can feel… like you’re imprisoned.” Pomni shrugged. “It took me a while to settle down, too. Moved a lot, even within the same city… one shitty apartment to the next.”
Jax looked up, facing her with curiosity hidden underneath layers of something Pomni couldn’t make out. “Did you ever stop?”
“Yeah,” she admitted through a sigh, swiveling her hand about. “When I went broke and had found a job that paid somewhat decently… and had access to a lot of abandoned buildings.”
“We stopped when it became time to visit College,” Jax spoke, hands still busy on top of his desk. “No running away from that.”
“Was your college close to the abandoned office building by any chance?”
“Not… quite. We drove like half an hour out to find it. It was posted somewhere in an exploring group we both joined.”
“Huh. Interesting.” Turning back around to face Pomni he jammed his hands into his pockets, head lowered and eye focused on the Jester. “You two would’ve gotten along, I feel like.”
Her chest burned with the ache to ask a question Pomni knew could possibly end the conversation — or worse, have Jax throw her out of his room. She took a deep breath.
Here goes nothing. “Did she abstract?”
“Yes.” He did not hesitate. “She did.”
“Is that why you got so upset when I questioned your attendance at Kaufmo’s funeral?”
“Yes.” A quiver ran through him. “It’s… tough. Visiting these funerals when you’ve been avoiding the person you cared for, and when you next hear about them it’s about them… abstracting. Disappearing forever. Holding knowledge you had essentially abandoned them and how hopeless they must’ve felt.”
“What do you mean by abandoning them?”
“Exactly what I meant back during the argument,” Jax mumbled, closing his eyes. “People become unpleasant before they abstract. No clue if it’s… pre-programmed to happen or just their minds slipping so drastically it makes them the worst version of themselves, but yeah. They’re awful to be around, and it’s shitty to even say aloud. It’s not their fault.”
“Did the same happen with Ribbit?”
“Yes. I ignored her when she was in her darkest times,” he whispered, voice almost too low to make out within the vast darkness of his room. “She became… aggressive, pushy… unpleasant. And what did I do? Turn around and leave her be, like the others did. I followed their lead without even questioning it, and I hate myself for it. She had needed me, she’d needed the others, and…” Drawing in long, shaking breaths, a tear formed in his eye, never quite daring enough to fall. “And next thing I know she… abstracted… I left her, and she was just gone. And she’ll never come back.”
“Do you blame yourself for her abstraction?” Asking all of those questions felt like an interrogation, though Pomni knew that she couldn’t quite possibly ever help Jax if she did not grasp what had turned his mind to think the way he did. How he’d lost hope for his own and everyone else’s humanity, what he’d experienced to resort to bullying and demeaning behavior.
“Daily.” Now the tear fell, rolling down his cheek and staining lilac fur blue. “I can’t stop thinking about it when I look at you. How I had grown so close to someone, had such a great time, almost… found back to myself — and then she was gone, all because of my stupid decision. All because I didn’t think for myself once. I can’t do this again. And I can’t ask you for the same.”
“I won’t leave you.”
“Don’t say that,” Jax whispered, joyless grin misplaced on the sad grimace of his face. “Don’t say it like you mean it. You cannot promise that. You have never seen how bad things get before abstraction fully settles in. It may take weeks, and those weeks are just emotional anguish — they will be anguish for you. I don’t wanna put you through that.”
“You tried to protect me from it when you pushed me away.” No question in her tone, a simple revelation. Whatever Pomni had known about this before now sat spoken aloud between them, and Jax agreed without hesitation.
“Yes.” He gulped, seemingly with some force, and took another quick bite of the sandwich. "Awfully, but I tried. And failed, as we can see."
It appeared like he’d do anything to avoid talking any further, and Pomni took to this with peace. She’d heard quite a lot about him today, and pushing him for more details would very much so lead to the opposite. Eating alongside one another in almost gentle silence the only noises between them was shuffling whenever they moved, never inching too close or too far from one another.
She couldn’t get over the way he chocked up when she said she wasn’t going to leave — no promise spoken aloud, but kept inside of her mind. Pomni had hope for him, hope to better himself, get back in touch with his humanity and human side. It’d never undo the harm caused through Jax’ immensely self-destructive behavior he’d pushed onto the others, all the bullying individuals like Gangle and Ragatha had to experience.
When Jax suddenly curled right up next to her, Pomni got tossed from her own internal thinking, eyes widened in surprise at his affection, though she did not object it. He’d finished his food, saddened eye glinting with sorrow from an empty face. Lifting her hand she gently placed it just right behind his ears, fingers relaxed and moving through the longer fur sprouting from their base, watching how they perked up in surprise — and then slowly lost tension, dropping down like a dog gently giving into touch they’d never experienced before.
Wolfing down the rests of her sandwich Pomni tossed it’s foil aside, laying down in such a way she could continue her movement, slowly massaging the spot behind Jax’ ears she’d found, using her other hand to balance her face.
“You remember when I asked you if you were happy before the Circus last night?”
She did not receive a reply, but his eye moved slightly, facing her now. “I think you were happy. And I’ll make sure you’ll be again. Trust me.”
Somewhere down the hallway, Ragatha’s door opened. She’d heard the steps, hushed and whispered voices keen on keeping to themselves, talking about topics she didn’t quite make out — and didn’t even know if she’d wanted to. Her expression was that of both worry and sadness, deeply profound, finding it’s source somewhere in her chest. Constricting familiar feeling, heart clutching in on itself. Was it even fair for her to feel in these ways? It was quite obvious how much she cared for him, and even if Ragatha couldn’t bring herself to feel much empathy it wouldn’t be right forcing the same outlook onto Pomni… just for her own sake.
She sighed, hand trembling restlessly on her door, shaking the oaken wood with her indecisiveness before finally closing it again, disappearing within her own room and leaning on it. What a day, what a night. Ragatha didn’t even know how to take the two’s suddenly behavior — first Jax hid for days and Pomni seemingly didn’t spent a single thought on him, and now they’d been practically invisible for almost two days? How… weird it felt even thinking about that concept.
Once more, she recalled Kinger’s words: ‘Giving someone space isn’t the same as giving up on them.’
Absolutely. She agreed, but sometimes there’d been this sting inside the ragdoll’s chest whenever these moments happened. She could barely help herself not thinking like she’d been abandoning Pomni for not being there, not checking up on her within these two days.
Did she even need her to do just that? Or was she content simply doing whatever she’d been doing? Headache-inducing, truly. Ragatha left the door alone and chose her bed, sitting down with legs close to her chest, hand still fiddling with a brooch attached to her neckline.
I’ll see if I can get a hold of her in the morning. Her thoughts made more sense now. Yes, I’ll do just that. Ask if she’s been okay, and if she needs anything— no, wait. That could be too pushy. She sighed. Why is this so difficult to manage…
Morning couldn’t come quick enough.
[ TSG!AU Jax - Design Sheet ]
Chapter 5: Don't Leave Me To Bleed
Summary:
Keeping secrets never goes by easily. Especially if Pomni has the rare ability to walk right into the room when Jax really doesn't need her to be around.
Notes:
Welcome back my dazzling forest nymphs, to chapter 5! This one's a bit shorter than I wanted it to be, but I anticipate chapter 6 and 7 to be much longer, so I tried not to draw out the scenes longer than they need to be. :]
As always, there's art attached to the end of the chapter! Tysm for all the support! <3
Chapter Text
Say, say what you mean
Tell me the truth or tell me you're through
Oh, oh, oh, don't leave me to breathe
Don't leave me to bleed
For someone who chose to leave me be
Jax was still sleeping by the time she got up. He hadn't moved since they’d fallen asleep right next to each other, Pomni’s hand still in the spot where it had dropped from scratching his ears before dozing off herself. Slowly pushing herself upwards, careful not to wake him up, Pomni stretched and yawned. One look at the watch on Jax’ desk revealed it was barely past 9AM — finally, a good time to wake up instead of later afternoon. She felt better already.
Another gaze thrown the sleeping rabbit’s way, Pomni decided to get something to eat for them. She had enjoyed the sensation of sharing a self-made meal last night, and a small part of herself craved it again. It wasn’t just about food and satisfying a non-existent hunger she couldn’t feel, but rather the socialization that came with eating in company. It’d reminded her of her lunch breaks at work, the same she’d pondered over before talking to Jax again.
Getting out of the way too big shirt she’d worn for sleep Pomni slipped into her usual clothes, though they felt oddly out of place — for two days, it had kind of felt… normal. Human. Wearing something so mundane and bland it contrasted heavily against the Circus’ aesthetic, removing her mind entirely of how ridiculous her entire attire looked in comparison. Maybe Jax had some other clothes she could… lend for herself, a thought running through the Jester’s mind as she was making her way through the room on her tip-toes.
She quietly closed the door behind her, great care for such mundane task, ensuring it wouldn’t slam and fell into it’s lock as silent as possible.
As void of sound the hallway was her footstep’s echo ran throughout it’s high walls and ceilings, making it feel all sorts of empty and desolated — not unlike a lot of abandoned lots she had explored, though in here absence of people usually felt more dreading than any lost place could ever. It’s been a few weeks, but every step throughout these halls felt ever stranger, long and winding. Sometimes she even feared opening her own room’s door, expecting something odd to have simply appeared behind it, re-shuffling the architecture outside of her grasp and knowledge. Pomni hated unexpected changes more than she disliked the entire shrill concept surrounding her, and those were hard enough to ignore already.
“Hey, Pomni?”
A voice on her left caught the Jester off-guard. Turning around she found herself faced with Ragatha’s head peaking just outside of her door, hand grabbing it too tightly to be anything more but tensed.
Confused, Pomni took a moment to respond, blinking twice before even considering voicing her reply. “Yeah?”
The fingers wrapped around the thin wood tensed up even further. “Could I… talk to you for a moment? If you’re up for it, that is,” Ragatha quickly added, stumbling not to fall over her own words. She almost bit her tongue right then and there, wanting to dismiss Pomni and never bring it up again. It’d been two days, and she already felt herself back at square one.
“Sure, I got time,” Pomni spoke, confusion barely hinted at in her voice — but instead, it reached her face, brows furrowed faintly. “In your room?”
“Wherever it works best I suppose— we could use my room, yeah.” Stepping aside to let the Jester in, Ragatha’s hand fiddled with one another before finally closing the door, breathing a deep, steadying sigh. “I just… wanna know if everything’s alright with you?”
That confused expression didn’t quite slip from Pomni’s face. “Huh? Yeah, everything’s fine. Why wouldn’t it be?”
“I’m just— curious, no one had really seen you for two days,” Ragatha replied, tying her own worry into those words as she included the rest of the group. She didn’t want to come off as pushy, and her anxiety worsened with each look Pomni gave her. They weren’t bad looks by any means, though Ragatha could barely read them any other way.
Confusion, uncertainty. The Jester’s face lit up slightly at the explanation. “I understand,” she spoke, trying a smile. “I appreciate the worry, but I’m fine. Don’t worry. It just took more time for Jax to… open up, I suppose. I didn’t want to ruin the progress by leaving too early, you know.” She gestured vaguely.
“Sounds like you managed to get him to talk,” the ragdoll gently nudged towards a new topic, her head tilting in slight curiosity. “Did everything go… well? If you want to talk about it, that is.”
“Now that you say that… I’d say it did go well,” Pomni responded, sounding and looking quite surprise — not because of Ragatha’s question, though coming up with an honest answer to it made the Jester thinking about what had gone down for the first time. “I just stood there as immovable object, and it worked… somehow.”
“Initially I suspected it to fail,” Ragatha admitted, hands still nervously interlocking fingers. She seemed scared to even voice those thoughts aloud. “Jax had never been open ever since…” She caught herself just in time before her lips could spill a secret she wasn’t supposed to tell — especially not now, considering how close Pomni and Jax had grown, and she might mention it to him. Though it came different than Ragatha anticipated their conversation to go.
Pomni didn’t hesitate to reply when the ragdoll didn’t continue her sentence: “His friend abstracted?”
“Huh? How— did he tell you about her?” Genuinely surprised, Ragatha appeared taken aback by Pomni’s sudden reply, blinking through a saddened expression quickly sobering up.
“Yeah. We stumbled across her door last night,” the Jester mumbled, her own gaze looking over to the side. It felt weird being this open about her previous exchanges with Jax, and a sting inside her chest made it hard to even speak about it. “And eventually… we talked about it.”
Ragatha’s silence could’ve been many things — confusion, surprise, anger, sadness, joy — many things Pomni couldn’t quite make out, and her eyes slowly wandered back to the quiet ragdoll’s frame, who in turn nodded to herself.
“He trusts you,” she spoke, voice soft, hardly with any single emotion inside of it. “Otherwise he wouldn’t have told you about it. It’s… a good step towards acceptance, I suppose.”
Pomni wasn’t so sure what to make of Ragatha’s words — where they earnest, filled with honesty? Or bitter, disguised sweetly as to not make her suspicious of it, hiding hints of jealously and maybe even a bit of rivalry. It hadn’t gone over the Jester’s head how both Jax and Ragatha had kind of turned connecting to her into their personal feud, tying it back into this complex web of emotions they shared with one another.
She had refused to engage in it, for both sides. This wasn’t her battle to fight, nontheless a war where she’d take sides if neither of them have given her valid reasons to turn her back onto one of them.
“I’m not so sure of the trust part,” Pomni admitted after silence far too long for her own peace. “It feels like he’s trying anything to… glue shut those cracks after our argument. I appreciate the honesty, I really do, but… I don’t know. It’s weird.” She shrugged, and Ragatha’s face turned puzzled, then, understanding.
“He’s afraid of losing you,” she mentioned, tugging at some seams at her elbow. “Otherwise he wouldn’t even grasp at the concept of being honest. If you weren’t worth the effort… Jax wouldn’t go these lengths. Believe me, we… were friends once, as I told you. After our falling out there was nothing from his side, and I cannot blame him, I said some very… not well intentioned things I shouldn’t have said.”
Her eye shot up, meeting Pomni’s gaze, and immediately averted it. “But that shouldn’t be your concern right now,” the ragdoll interjected, brushing it off as quickly as she brought it up. “I don’t want to hold you back any longer.”
“Well, I was planning to grab some food,” Pomni explained, tilting her head. “You wanna come with me?”
“Oh— me? Y-yeah, sure!” Ragatha seemed pleasantly surprised, even her hands stopped fiddling for a second, posture straightening with earnest joy. “I assume you’re planning on getting breakfast?”
“That was the idea, but whatever’s around.” A faint smile appeared on the Jester’s face as Ragatha passed her to open the door. “The fridge looked kinda intimidating last night. I could barely reach higher than my own head.”
“It’s scary,” Ragatha admitted, giggling almost. “The only person tall enough to really reach anything in there is indeed Jax, and he’s used this to his advantage.”
“Sneaking out food?”
“Sneaking out food.”
“Heh.” A chuckle escaped Pomni, visually picturing him grabbing food from the higher fridge shelves she couldn’t even look into. “Sounds like him.”
As they turned from the hallway into the main area, Pomni brought her voice forth once more: “You seem to know Jax more than I anticipated.”
“We were good friends once,” Ragatha admitted, not shying away from the topic now that the Jester herself had brought it up. “Close. When Ribbit was still around… we were kind of a group of three, inseparable.” A sad smile lit across her face, never reaching tired eyes. “Until she abstracted, and it just… spiraled.”
“I can imagine that… such loss leads to cracks.”
“It was more than that. We were both horrible to each other. A lot of blame and guilt was tossed around where there wasn’t any blame to spread at all,” the Ragdoll quietly spoke, hands neatly folded across her skirt, fingers tensing into the fabric. “I said things I shouldn’t have said, and I regret them to this day still. Though I cannot bring myself to admit it out right, I know Jax would… turn it into a joke, like he always does.”
“Yeah, I saw that,” Pomni mumbled, rolling her eyes off to the side. “How… are you feeling about what you said?”
“Horrible. Utterly horrible. I said things my mother would’ve said to me if she was in a position like Jax, and it makes me sick to my stomach thinking how much I became her in this moment.”
Ragatha spilled more than both she and Pomni anticipated, though the latter did not stop her. It appeared as if Ragatha had desperately needed it, opening up without second thought after Pomni offered a listening ear.
“I have never met your mother, but from what I’ve seen of you so far… you don’t give me the impression you told us about at the bar,” Pomni spoke, voice soft. “You’re caring. You’re not trying to put others down.”
“But even me caring is too much sometimes,” she got in response, feeble hands tugging at seams once more. “I push myself onto others and try so hard, and it drives them away in response. I was scared of failing you, Pomni… like I had failed Jax back then. And now look at us… the group’s falling apart, he’s isolating himself, Caine apparently lost his mind— it’s all so tiring sometimes.”
“A wise man once said some… really insightful worlds to me,” Pomni replied, gaze now meeting Ragatha’s, who in turn was questioning. “The worst thing One can do in here is to have someone feel unappreciated and unloved. I’m… not the best when it comes to things like that, but I can at least try… and I’ve seen you try as well.”
The doll’s face lit up. “That wise man… was he by chance in a dark room with you?”
“Yeah. How did you know?” Pomni jested, holding back a laugh.
“Well, let’s just say… he offered me some good advice in the dark ‘Loser Corner’”, Ragatha smiled as she recalled the memory. “About giving others space, and how it doesn’t mean One is giving up on them, but instead allowing them to return to you at their own pace. It’s… hard to adapt sometimes. I just feel that urge to approach someone and try and help when they seem distraught.”
“Well, if you’d like… feedback…” Pomni’s hands gestured around, unsure how she’d even call it. “I feel being given space makes it easier for me to open up. I honestly don’t really speak to other people about issues and stuff I experience, but back in the real world there was enough space to simply forget certain things. In here it’s almost impossible.”
“Yeah… you’re not wrong.”
“Did you ever truly talk openly about what happened with your mother and you? In the real world, I mean.”
“No, not really,” Ragatha admitted, eyes hooded. “There simply wasn’t space nor time for such moments, I fear. After I moved out work took most of my free time, and money became tight. So I resorted to… keeping it all inside.”
“And if you had the chance, would you ever take it? Speaking to someone, just openly what you need to let go off mentally.” Questioning, Pomni tilted her head, watching Ragatha’s frame droop with exhaustion even further. It appeared as if she’d already asked herself that question several times before — who knew how many.
“I don’t know…” Ragatha sighed. “Sometimes I feel like I’d need a force pushing me to even talk openly, and not simply gush out any thought I have — sort things out before they even leave my mouth. Feelings are weird, and experiences even more so.”
Pomni’s face slowly lit up, a jested smile appearing on her face as her brows went up. “Well,” she instigated, “maybe I can be that force sometimes. You tell me about your thoughts. Just talking, no obligations and no hard feelings or anything.”
She was visibly taken aback by Pomni’s offer, blinking in confusion before clearing up again, hints of tears wallowing in her eye. “Thank you. I could… use it.”
“We all need an ear to chew on sometimes,” the Jester smiled. “Alright, let’s grab the food. I’m starving — or not, but you know what I mean.”
Pomni wasn’t in the room when he woke up. Slowly lifting his head from the pillow he’d used Jax’ eyes quickly adjusted to the dim light levels, and they met with an empty bed and voices outside in the hallway. His ears perked up in worry — mainly for himself. It took all his willpower to not simply storm outside the door to see who was talking, and where Pomni had gone so suddenly.
Calm down, he spoke to himself mentally, breathing stalling for a moment. She’s probably just getting some stuff, or needs a break from the darkness.
He felt like laying back down, head spinning, a subtle vertigo Jax couldn’t quite explain. He had no pain, but that dull peeping noise in his ears had turned up a notch — without someone around him, it seemed as if it was using the silence to it’s advantage. Faint shivers ran throughout the rabbit’s body, and he grabbed his blankets; wrapping it around shaking shoulders as some protection from the sudden temperature drop.
His body felt weird. Heavy, cold, like he’d been dunked into water and his fur dragged him down with it’s added weight — static fizzling running through selected areas on his body, primarily his leg and arms. Jax couldn’t quite recall why he felt this way, antsy and unpredictable, resisting the urge to scratch the affected areas until there was nothing more but emptiness, polygons ripped into their atoms.
When he’d jumped up from the bed light underneath the door caught onto his foot, and his eyes met a dark patch, sprawling out at the edges, emitting such soft glow it was barely noticeable. Abstraction remnants. Panicked, Jax began to shake his leg vigorously, like he could simply detach the blackened patch this way, like a cat who’d just stepped in water. His movements were rapid, full of anger and confusion while his mind seemingly blanked out, losing it’s footing quicker than expected.
He couldn’t slip like this. If he did, there’d be nothing pulling him ever back from abstracting fully, and Jax’ chest heaved through tired, but heavy breaths — desperate to keep him calm, desperate to stabilize whatever emotional level was still there and not affected by this glitching mess. There were no mirrors in this room, quite a shame. Though he did not even know if he’d even wanted to see himself in there, to see how far this retched ‘infection’ has spread and for once he was glad Pomni hadn’t seen it yet.
Who knows what could’ve happened if those things had spread while they’d been together during the last two days and nights? Would he had abstracted fully, potentially growing into an increasing risk for her to be around? Would he’d done something… far worse than simply being emotionally vulnerable and open? Oh, how Jax regretted some of the things he’d spilled towards her. Desperately clawing at any option and opportunity to save himself from promised damnation, revealing secrets, feelings and even his past life — all for nothing. It did not help him whatsoever.
To others, speaking about their past life seemed helpful. Opening up to people they trusted, confident that they’d keepsake their memories just as much as they themselves did. For Jax, it was a feeble attempt at redemption, as small as it was. If not with everyone, but rather with himself — and where had it lead to? Right to this fucking outcome, black abstracted areas slowly crawling across lilac fur, fuzzy, static-like crackling underneath his skin like a bottled lightning storm ready to strike once set free.
He was heaving with such force that saliva trickled down his chin, expelled from his mouth with every rapid movement, shoulders jerking forward in pain-riddled rhythm. Another panic attack settled in with awful familiarity, and Jax pushed it down with all his might. Unlike the bile at the Award’s show this harsh, dark truth could not get out. It’d be too dangerous, it’d be too— final.
What even came after this? Anything but existence, surely, code wiped from the game and all that’s left is a husk running off of pre-programmed behavior, aggressive and only calmed once in darkness, where nothing resided that could ever be perceived as threat. Entropy uncertain of it’s fate, chaos within a body created from polygons; strings of numbers making little sense to those not made from means of artificial thinking.
He surely couldn’t have went so far as to lose his humanity, could he? Pushing it down for sure, though never letting fully go, hand clinging to it’s grasp and pulling it back whenever it threatened to slip out of his grip. Had he reacted too late for that now? Had it slipped without ever realizing it?
Don’t spiral.
Don’t spiral.
Ironically, those thoughts where the main spiraling focus right now, and he hated how they threw their echo right into his mind. Claws dug into skin, terrified grips holding onto whatever body part Jax could grasp right now — being his arms, shaking and pressed tightly against his equally trembling body.
The door opening tore Jax right out of his confusion and terror fueled haze, dissociating stare lingering somewhere on an empty spot in his room, all feelings inside of his body tangled up and seemingly fading, leaving him numb.
“Hey, I’m back. Sorry for disappearing like that, but I didn’t want to wake you up.” She still had her back turned to him, balancing some stuff on her arms as she closed the door with one foot, not realizing Jax stood right behind her — fully turning Pomni suddenly faced him, a widened yellow eye glowing from amidst the darkness, and she almost dropped what she brought with her. “Shit!”
Jax didn’t speak, instead the sole sound emitted from his shaking frame were breaths so heavy they came with stridor, a whistling note between clenched teeth he couldn’t hold back. He stared at her like a wild animal in the forest, though Pomni couldn’t decide whether he was the deer at gunpoint or the hunter aiming from the undergrowth.
“Is everything alright?” She knew it wasn’t, but Pomni wasn’t about to play games. Gently setting aside the food, she made another step towards him. “Jax, what’s the matter?”
“Nothing.” His reply came quick, through strained breaths, and he made a step back — away from her. “All fine.”
Her eyes slowly squinted, colorful pupils disappearing behind blackened lids with questioning intent. And Jax knew that she wouldn’t back down once that expression appeared on her face. He was correct.
“Whats going on?” She made another step towards his direction, and witnessed Jax taking one backwards, almost running into his desk.
His hands just barely grasped on it’s edge, softening his body slamming into it. “I cannot tell you. It’d be better if you just go, Pomni, trust me.”
“I ain’t going anywhere,” she empathized, hands on her hips, unintentionally making herself taller than she actually was. “We’re not playing this f[ ]cking game again, Jax. If I leave now, who’s to tell if all that happened doesn’t just… reset?”
“Why would it—…” Jax shook his head, trying not to get distracted. The stress ate him from the inside out, and he despised how much it impacted his behavior. Hands trembling, the rabbit gestured. “No, it’s not like that, I just— I can’t explain it.”
“Can you show it instead?” She tilted her head in a way Jax couldn’t bear to witness, his gaze averting hers again.
“I can’t.” He shook, hands grasping at something the Jester wasn’t able to see. “I can’t tell you, Pomni.”
“It’s going to be okay.” She couldn’t just speak a promise aloud. Who truly knew if it was going to be okay? He hadn’t said anything yet, and Pomni couldn’t help but suppress a feeling of impending doom inside of her head. “I won’t… be mad or anything, if that’s your fear.”
“You being mad is the best outcome I fear,” Jax replied, ashen face void of any emotion but utter terror. He didn’t even word it as a joke, and his hand shook as he raised it towards his eye, still sealed underneath the slipping patch. “I— I don’t even know what my fear is!”
“Do you want my help?” A simple question from her mouth, easily asked, hard to answer.
Jax’ head snapped towards her, ears drooping over his face far enough to conceal it for the most part. Except his eyes. Their glow outlined the furred appendages, quivering pinpoint pupil staring her down.
It was the first time Pomni ever felt another knot form in her chest ever since their argument after the adventure, when he’d stared her down and proclaimed hatred she had never expected to see. Though this time, it wasn’t a facade. And it wasn’t hate either.
It was utterly fearful, the look in his eyes, primal — a prey’s instinct to run away and hide, and this time Jax wasn’t the instigator. He was the vulnerable prey asking for mercy. From who? Neither of them knew. Then, his hand moved, trembling fingers grabbing one slipping edge of the patch.
Dropping silently to the floor it disappeared, away from any luminance inside the darkened room, just as it faded from Jax’ face. What stood in it’s place had Pomni gasp out loud, clasping her hands over her mouth as her own gaze met that of a glowing, brightly discolored eye — multi-colored rings softly casting blue and yellow tones onto his face.
Abstraction.
She had only seen it once, though this one time had been enough to ingrain these hellish body parts into her mind, following her into her nightmares. Almost unintentionally Pomni took a step back, raising one hand uncertain of it’s purpose.
Her legs seemed to give out, and sat down on his bed, hands grasping at the sheets and eyes darting everywhere but Jax’ face and eye, searching for questions she had. For him, for herself… and first and foremost, one echoed loud throughout her mind:
Why? How?
“I shouldn’t have shown you.” Even his voice sounded utterly distressed, witnessing Pomni’s bodily reaction. Walking past her he approached the door, reaching for the knob. Not for him to leave — but for her to have an escape, in case something he could never apologize for would be happening. “Why did I even assume anyone would react normally to this. Why did I assume it would be any different with you?”
Pomni didn’t know what to say. For the first time it wasn’t hesitation holding her back, it was genuine bafflement, confusion in addition to what she could describe as a slight hint of terror in the back of mind. He was abstracting. Her lips moved, chin quivering in desperate attempts to push out any words, throat constricting painfully around unspoken vowels and half-baked responses — they both noticed it, and Jax’ distress grew, shoulders shaking.
His hand around the knob tightened it’s grip, to the point of almost bending the polygons into a new shape; he felt them moving ever so slightly. It disturbed him. Reality disturbed him. Somewhere in his ears this familiar ringing came back, swelling in volume gradually, shaking eyes lingering on Pomni’s silent frame.
“Say something,” he glowered, unable to retain those emotions boiling over within his chest. He needed her to speak up, make a noise, anything that could keep his mind from losing itself entirely right then and there. “Say something!”
Jax did not yell. He did not shout. He spoke with vigor — pressure, desperation, excruciating attempts staying himself. Pupils moving rapidly, though his gaze remained in her direction, always. Frame more akin to that of a feral animal he shook, jaw tightly locked in on itself, lips barely opened revealing a desperate frown.
“What happened?” She whispered, lips moving and words coming out cracking halfway through, throat closing up again before anything else could’ve left her tongue. “What…”
“I don’t know. It wasn’t supposed to happen.” The rabbit started with an excuse before anything else, slowly raising his hands, gesturing weakly to encapsulate the room. He knew he must’ve looked mad to her. “It wasn’t supposed to end like this. I wasn’t supposed to end up like this.”
“Jax, you’re abstracting—…”
“No.” He shook his head with much force, like he was convincing himself of it. “No, I am not abstracting.”
Immediate deflection, just like the Jester knew him. Another unsuccessful attempt convincing himself. Pomni wasn’t about to let him off the hook. She couldn’t. Who knows what could happen if she brushed it aside?
“Your eye, the dark patches?” She pushed him, wanting to know more. “What else are they supposed to be?”
“I’m NOT!” His head snapped towards her with such vigor he saw her flinch, one hand raised faintly. He took notice, shaking breaths escaping through rattling ribs. “I’m not… abstracting.”
There it was again, the masking.
The lying — to himself, and not to her. Pomni won’t be dealing with that side of him, especially not right after waking up and being shocked with that kind of news. Not if abstraction stood in the room with them. She got up, walking towards him — only to stop when he flinched backwards, ears lowered and eyes widened in nothing but raw panic.
“Okay, Jax, I think we both know how much you love being in the denial stage and yesterday? That was fine then. But this is an entirely different story.” Voice gentle, though filled with intent and strength she didn’t even knew she could muster up in the eye of someone close to losing it all. One nudge to the wrong side and this horrifying scale would tip over, with tremendous ripples in it’s after effects. “I know you do not take most of the Circus serious at all, but this is very much reality for you — and every one of us. This is dangerous, and you know it as much as I do.”
“I KNOW!” His head snapped towards her, sharp teeth perfectly displaying his physical and mental struggle to remain sound enough. “I’ve seen other people abstract before, Pomni, I know what this is about!”
“And you know what happened to them, then,” the Jester argued, voice softer than before. “The unpleasantness?”
“I don’t want it to happen to me,” Jax admitted, tired eyes dimly glowing from a pale face. “I can’t let it happen — that’s not how it ends, I just… can’t…”
Pomni’s voice trembled when she finally brought herself to speak a specific question aloud: “When did this happen?”
“At the Award’s Show,” he spoke, quiet and exhausted, now letting go of the knob. “When I left the main hall for a moment.”
“In the bathroom?”
For a moment, a joyless smirk appeared on Jax’ face, sobering up as quickly as it came and fading back into the previous frown. “Yes. You walked in right after I saw it for myself.”
“Do the others know?” Obviously they didn’t. Pomni knew her inquiry was stupid the second those words left her, but there was no taking back now. If the other had known they would’ve never even let her get close — would they?
“No. They cannot know. No one can know, not even you. I wasn’t supposed to tell you at all,” Jax stammered, thoughts escaping his mouth before he could process them properly. “I could’ve hid it. I could’ve dealt with it. This isn’t something grand, isn’t it? Just a little… setback. Nothing I can’t fix, it’s just…”
“It’s Abstraction.” Her voice sounded less than enthusiastic at his display.
“I know, Pomni.” He sounded frustrated — not at her, but rather his situation. Hands trembling as Jax watched the dark patches, nausea rising in his throat whenever his eyes met them. “I know. I wish I didn’t.”
“I won’t let you lose yourself,” she spoke, a promise settled between them — and this time, she won’t have him deny it.
“I’ve already lost myself,” he whispered through a closing throat, “don’t let me lose you, too. Don’t make this mistake, Pomni, I can’t go through this again and possibly be guilty of another soul pointlessly dying before they could escape. I know I’m an asshole, but that’s not my goal.”
“You won’t make this mistake. Not with me, at least” Tears filled not only her eyes, but also her voice. “I want to help you.”
Her gaze never left his frame, sadness glazing over bi-colored pupils. She had an idea, though it wouldn’t be a guaranteed solution — or even any help at all.
“Kinger… might be able to know more. Or help us,” she added, voice still trembling faintly, pulling itself together for his sake. “At the very least he’d be someone we can confide into without running into the troubles of someone’s opinions on you… exploding and making it all worse than it already is.”
“How?” Jax spoke with bitterness, a joyless smile sprawling across a paled face. “How could he possibly ever help me with this? This isn’t simply… a small ouchie or whatever, Pomni, this is the end of existence in here. Once this fully spreads, I’m gone. From life, from the game, from memory potentially as well. Who would ever miss me.”
It wasn’t a question, and he did not seek an answer, Pomni knew. And yet, she wasn’t about to let it stand quietly between them. Jax had dropped the act, going from ‘nothing I can’t fix’ to realization settling in that this wasn’t something he could ever even think about tackling alone. Slowly returning to the bed he let himself fall down right next to her, making the entire furniture piece creak softly.
“I would miss you.” Her eyes met his gaze, a look filled with terror and sadness she couldn’t grasp fully. “I wouldn’t move on and forget about you.” She scooted closer, just barely, and he didn’t back away this time.
“I’ll go talk to Kinger later,” Pomni brought up her idea again, “It’d be the best time when everyone’s already in their rooms. Less attention… and it’s more likely he’ll be available to talk during the night, too.”
“I don’t have high hopes if I can be honest with you there for a second,” he mumbled, unable to speak up, all jest and joke left his voice long ago. “But whatever.”
His pessimism radiated off of his body in waves, and Pomni felt it hit her — sadness, coldness, a new mask slipped on keeping breaking, brittle pieces of his mind tightly glued to his body; desperate measures to not implode on the spot. She could see his physical strain, an invisible battle with whomever — most likely himself — she couldn’t help him with.
Similar to Ragatha, this wasn’t her war. But she wasn’t about to leave sides, either.
Jax looked like he wanted to say something, anything really, though he held his tongue, simply throwing her a tired glance from softly glowing eyes. Then, a nod of acknowledgment. His hand reached upwards, fingers clutching around something dangling from his neck. Pomni had never paid much attention to this weird necklace-chain that had gradually hid between strands of lilac fur, but she couldn’t help but look at his hand now.
With a swift motion, Jax unclasped the chain and reached it to the Jester, who squinted to make out the weird pendant dangling in front of her eyes. It took her a moment, though when she realized, she jerked backwards a bit, taken utterly by surprise at the object extended towards her.
“Is that— ?”
“The key to my door,” Jax replied, exhaustion in both his eyes and voice, “I want you to have it.”
Her confusion only grew. “Why?”
“So you can lock and unlock the door at any given time. I don’t want to be a danger to anyone. If I— abstract fully, I don’t want to have the ability to leave my room whenever I want to.”
“Jax, I can’t just lock you in like some wild animal.” Pomni sounded like she looked — surprised, and saddened. It was evident she didn’t feel comfortable with such choice of words, though they were brutally honest.
Sure, he hadn’t felt connected to his humanity in however long, though she herself knew he still was one of them — human. Having such power over another person felt wrong, and the Jester hesitated to even grab the key that was extended towards her, swaying softly and reflecting the dim light in it’s gold-like material.
“Yes, you can.” He gently grabbed her wrist, placed the key into her open palm and closed her fingers around it — intently, but without pressure. “Please. Promise me you will do that. Protect the others, protect yourself, I don’t care. Anything to reduce damages, you have no clue what can happen inbetween the stages of being fully conscious and suddenly losing yourself to abstraction. What you see now is not what will happen in the worst case.”
Her eyes wandered quickly, from his key to his eyes, and Pomni slowly put it around her own neck, clasping the chain shut and gently lifting the key, looking at it’s blemished surface from thousands of uses.
“Alright,” she finally spoke, voice quiet. “I trust you.”
A heavy weight on her shoulder made her sag down to one side, with Jax putting his head on it, eyes clouded over.
“I wanna enjoy it while I still can,” he mumbled, sounding like he was trying to defend himself for it. “Who knows when I’ll fully lose my mind.”
“Don’t say that.” She couldn’t help but grin faintly, placing her hand on his head. He moved it so that her fingers laid in the same spot as last night, just in front of his ears. “You will not lose your mind. I’ll make sure you don’t. Who am I supposed to annoy if not you?”
Pomni could swear she heard a low chuckle come from Jax, though he didn’t verbally reply anymore, eyes closed while her fingers gently started to massage the dense fur at his ear’s base. While she did she slowly inched closer, leaning over his face — why, she didn’t truly know herself, it simply felt right in the moment.
Placing a kiss between his eyes, she felt him move in closer, drawing his legs in closer and onto the bed.
“You’re still human to me,” she whispered. “No matter what you look like.”
Deep down, this all could’ve gone better. Pomni’s confusion clouded her mind, making it hard to think through fog and haze — and she’d rather have spoken to Kinger right this moment, though she assumed him to either be with the others or outside. It’d be no good bringing up a matter of this size during the day and risking him either not understanding or mistakenly assessing it in a way that lead to more damage than good.
She had hopes. They weren’t high, though they were there, and planted roots inside of her head of a potential solution. If there ever was one it wouldn’t just benefit Jax — what if it had the means to help all of those poor human souls trapped within Caine’s cellar, freeing them from whatever hellish, coded nightmare they were suffering in… if it was still them.
Sure, she could ask Caine, but what good would it do. With his frequent mood swings and angry display whenever they spoke up Pomni couldn’t risk such sensible topic being discussed with the ringmaster at the time being. Kinger was her next best bet, a reliable source that wouldn’t simply snap and do something without thinking nor talking about it first. Even though she couldn’t quite make out his relationship with Jax — considering Ragatha wanted them far apart from one another mere days ago during the adventure — Pomni had trust in the chesspiece’s ability to judge free from bias, if there were any to consider, and possibly offer words of advice.
Her eyes shut, hand still moving, and she leaned back on the bed, sheets rustling quietly underneath each gentle movement. Jax’ breathing has calmed down, stridor entirely gone and replaced by soft fluttering whenever it moved something. Noon had barely started, and yet, her head and heart felt heavy and tired, worn out from everything happening at once, crashing down like a broken ceiling.
Though rest didn’t come easy. Somewhere inbetween Pomni got up again, ensuring Jax was asleep and not disturbed by her movement, and she quietly locked his door from the inside before hiding the key underneath her clothes. Worried eyes shot between the rabbit’s sleeping frame and the door, uncertain if this was the correct choice — though it was less to keep him inside, but rather to keep the others out in case anyone was to walk in and discover the scene.
Had this been the right decision to make? To rekindle, and be thrown into a dark whirlpool filled with black sludge and dozens of glowing, moving eyes staring her down? Somehow, it reminded Pomni of her own nightmare during her first night in here. Abstracting, experiencing how it must be feeling to lose oneself, that disgustingly static, fuzzy sensation tingling throughout her arm until it was barely resembling as such — turning into nothing but code and whirling polygons unable to hold one steady shape.
Her hand twitched, urging to scratch her arm, wanting to feel that is was still intact and a part of her, not twisted nor disfigured into whatever abstraction the Circus might come up with for her.
Not yet, at least. A sigh escaped the Jester, and she closed her eyes. Just for a bit. Just… until she could confront Kinger about it.
Chapter 6: A King’s Castle
Summary:
Lucid and cloaked in darkness, Pomni approaches Kinger - hoping he can offer some advice. Not only regarding Jax' condition, but also her own nagging emotions threatening to swallow her whole if she bottled them up any longer.
Jax meanwhile discovers that feeling cold isn't the only thing abstraction can do to you.
Notes:
Welcome back, my glittery milk puddings! Come and eat your Kinger chapter, in which Pomni gets the therapy session 2: Electric Boogaloo!
The next chapter is a bit more... fluff, so get ready for the soft before the storm. :]
As always, there's art attached to the bottom! Don't ask me why my design for Jax keeps changing, I do not bow to the concept of order and stability, I bow to discord and ever-changing chaos.
Chapter Text
Part of me that used to live and breathe with ease
has fallen far away from me
and now it seems a memory will haunt me all my days.
They tell me seek and you shall find,
I've half a mind for trying to rewind the time
and say the words I always wanted desperately to say.
The sadness of a tragedy is maddening
when life is a disaster moving ever faster after all the glory fades away.
Night came slow when one’s mind was occupied by an utter mess of conflicting feelings, a tangle, webs even, sprawling out into every corner of her head.
Pomni felt confused, angry, saddened, questioning all at once — even some odd sense of comfort and home had pushed it’s roots into her chest, though for now it was nothing more but a little sprout waiting for rain to come, waiting to grow into something confident and capable of being grasped… and named.
They laid on the bed together, distance between them so loud it might as well make them both go deaf in an instance. Jax hasn’t said a word ever since their little exchange last night, intensifying every missing beat of closeness for her. Their gazes would meet in the middle, slowly passing one another, like friends made strangers on the street, pretending like they’d never met one another. It drove her crazy.
Bearing this weird tension made her heart ache and head throb with pain that didn’t quite feel like the usual headache or migraine, though it’s presence made her uneasy.
If it was to grow into the latter she’d for sure regret letting it eat at her like that.
Pomni couldn’t do this anymore. She had to act, or else she’d implode on the spot, right there on his bed, within his vicinity. And she couldn’t show him this pressure.
“I’m going over to Kinger’s.” She jumped from the bed, watching Jax’ expression shift to annoyance as the sheets were disturbed. Pomni paid it no mind. “I’ll lock the door, though, just so you’re aware.”
“Do whatever seems best to you,” he grumbled, coiling in on himself even tighter — like an upset cat. With the exception that this cat was capable of going fully insane within moments.
The Jester wasn’t about to test the waters. It had felt bad enough to sleep on the floor for most of the night before she finally crawled back into the bed with Jax, gun in her hand like she was awaiting someone to break and enter and deal harm to her… only said intruder wasn’t anyone she didn’t even know, it was the person she’d slept in the same bed with for two days, trusting to be around him and building up walls that were knocked down in their arguments.
And yet, all of this trust seemed shattered on her end. He’d kept a secret reaching so deep below with it’s blackened roots it felt like betrayal. Pomni wasn’t even sure if she had the privilege of claiming this emotion, uncertain and swaying between options; answers to the question she’d asked herself over and over again.
‘Why?’
Why was he abstracting so suddenly? Had it been their argument — certainly it had been. What else could’ve led to such emotional turmoil? Unless he’d been heading this direction before already, only needing this one singular drop in the metaphorical barrel, and it overflowed with all it’s might, spilling black, viscious liquid everywhere, littered with glowing and shrill multi-colored eyes. She shivered just at the thought of it, her arm itching.
Pomni felt his eyes burning through her back, now gracing her with his gaze that her own was averted, and she took a deep breath. Hand around the key, she removed it from the chain.
“I’ll see you later.” She mumbled those words, barely bringing herself to speak them aloud at all. In reality she felt conflicted about even returning into Jax’ room, uncertain what to expected if she did. Would anything change?
Would her conversation with Kinger — if there was any to be had — help sort out these… tangled, weird and hopeless feelings cooking within her chest? It felt strangely tight again, knotting up and de-tangling itself in speeds Pomni could barely comprehend. She felt sick, uncertain, alone. The quicker she hurried out of the room and locked it from the outside, the better.
She felt her lungs burning from all those breaths she’d took, slowly easing their pace with closed eyes; heart and pulse gradually lowering as side effect.
Outside, in the hallway, she leaned her back against the door for a few seconds.
A break she needed, eyes closed and drawing in breaths that didn’t come easily.
How long can I endure all of this before I crack, too?
Pomni wasn’t sure if she’d even like an answer to that. Until yesterday she had felt fairly confident they could make amends, speak, open up — work on that damned mask Jax had kept up like a professional actor. All of it gone in seemingly the snap of a finger. It wasn’t entirely his fault, she knew it. Who’d expect to start abstracting at any given time, regardless of turmoil? He’d gone through things she could barely comprehend right now, and stood upright and tall nontheless, pushing through emotional turmoil with that wide, jesting grin on his animal face.
Not this time. This time… it’d been different. And Pomni hated to be included in it. Her indifference and confusion made it hard to comprehend her role in all of this, though she knew there was no fault of her own at play. She’d figured out relatively soon how damning this entire ‘mask play’ could be, had seen it with Gangle — quite literally — during the Spudsy’s adventure; how the poor woman had cracked underneath pressure piling up, spiraling within minutes. Pomni still felt awful, knowing that hopelessness and dissociation inside of here could turn lethal.
Deep down she started to appreciate this not being the case in the real world, or she’d been dead several times by now. All those empty, cold nights alone in her apartment, staring onto the ceiling tinted blue by signs shining in from outside, cars honking, tires screeching, muffled voices from all around her; yelling through walls and having her burrow her head in a pillow. It never helped keeping out her internal voices, though.
Finally she pushed herself off the door, hands cradling the room’s key for a few seconds, taking in every trace of usage — how many times had it been pushed into that lock and turned? Dozens, hundreds, thousands?
How does one even announce themself in front of a pillow fort? Knock? Shout the person's name? Let themself in? No, too intrusive. Pomni hesitated greatly, hand raised in what could be described as a ‘wants to knock, but doesn’t know how’ kind of situation. Kinger hadn’t been in his room, and her next best step was the fort — where else would he be? She’d seen him in there more times than she’d witnessed him actually using his room, though she couldn’t quite blame him.
The fort had been the last place he’d seen his wife in, interacted with her. Pomni could barely comprehend how great of a loss this had to be for him. Surely she’d made her own experienced with death and grief, losing distant family members and pets over the years, but never someone as close as a partner… even though deep inside, she questioned her relation to Jax over and over, and how much his abstraction coming to light had upset and startled her emotionally.
A coiling, living knot inside of her chest spreading into the rest of her body, moving and trashing like sentient snakes slowly releasing their venom from within. She felt horrible, though pushed that awful feeling down for the time being. Bottling up one’s feelings was never great advice she ought to follow, though what other options was there? No one else in the Circus would be inclined to help Jax, and Pomni couldn’t even blame them one bit. He’d been awful to them, and in a sense, it felt like most would be anticipating something awful happening to him. Karma’s a dish best served hot, and in his case, it burning fuel threatening to snuff out his existence.
Suddenly interrupted in her internal dialog by some of the pillows being pushed aside, Pomni was met with Kinger’s face — looking confused, though in a gentle way. And most important, lucid. There was something in his ‘face’ she couldn’t quite pinpoint; warmth emitted from dark oak wood making his entire frame, the contrast of his purple robe dragging behind him. She’d only seen him with glasses once in Gangle’s adventure, and even so it surprised her when he suddenly put them on to take a proper look at her.
“Pomni!” He exclaimed, sounding genuinely surprised by her appearance at his ‘door’. “What brings you to me? It’s quite late.”
“I’m sorry if I woke you up… or if I’m interrupting you,” she spoke, hesitant in her words. One hand found it’s way on her arm. “I could use your help, it’s kind of… urgent, I fear. Sorry.”
“Oh, don’t apologize.” Kinger disappeared within the fort, his hand staying behind to make a welcoming gesture towards the inside. “Come right in!”
Despite his warm invite Pomni stood on her spot for a bit longer, finally reaching out and entering the fort through it’s small entrance; pillows hung low enough that even she had to bend down for entrance. Inside, it appeared much bigger than she’d ever expected it to be from the humble outsides, offering enough space for Kinger to stand comfortably upright and even some ‘furniture’ made from pillows and blankets. Such as a sofa, on which the chess piece took a seat and waved her over.
Everything was dimmed, the only source of light being what seemed to be an old fashioned gas lamp who’s golden flame flickered every other second, it’s glass outside decorated with little paintings of butterflies. Fitting.
“That’s… not what I expected the inside to look like,” Pomni admitted, eyes darting all throughout the ‘room’. “How did you do that?”
“Well, if you’re in a world that doesn’t quite bend to any usual rule of physics and dimensions there’s an endless row of possibilities to use to your advantage,” Kinger amused. “So I used it for my humble abode.”
He chuckled to himself, taking a seat on the sofa and looking back up at his guest. “What brings you to me? It’s quite late, I didn’t expect a visitor.”
It was being said it with jest, though it didn’t help bring down a feeling of guilt arising inside of Pomni for bothering him this late. Even though he seemingly had still been up and they technically didn’t need sleep anyways, it didn’t feel right barging in at this hour. She could’ve been sleeping herself, but there was no use in delaying the inevitable. The sooner she got Kinger involved, the sooner it’d be of use to Jax’ case.
“It’s… complicated,” the Jester spoke, hesitantly settling down on the spot she’d been offered. “And it doesn’t exactly concern just me, it’s about… Jax.”
An expression of concern and question appeared on Kinger’s face as he tilted his head in curiosity. “Did something happen? You two didn’t seem all too happy after the gun adventure.”
Of course he’d picked up on us, Pomni thought, eyes quickly looking to the side for just a moment. We didn’t exactly hide it, did we? She breathed a sigh.
“Yeah, something indeed happen,” she mumbled in reply, hands clutching together in a desperate attempt to hold anything, keeping herself together. “We had a fight, Jax and I. After we essentially won the game it just happened, and it didn’t go down well.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” Kinger consoled, his expression saddened. “You two seemed to get along well when we were matched up against one another.”
“We were getting along,” Pomni admitted, sounding almost desperate despite her quiet voice. “And… I don’t know.” Her hands gestured. “We got to the end and had won, and I went to hug him, he pushed me off… and put back on this damn mask of his, playing our connection off. It made me mad, I said some stuff I maybe shouldn’t have said, and then… when we came back from the Award’s Show Jax just stopped coming around, so I came to confront him. It went relatively well for all that happened, but—…”
Suddenly, her throat constricted. Gasping for one breath of air, Pomni shakily relaxed her posture. She was upset, and words didn’t come easily. “He’s abstracting,” she spoke, voice sober from anything really, her only option to not cry in front of Kinger. “And I need your help. You seem to know more about the Circus and everything than anyone I could approach, aside from maybe Caine.”
Kinger shook his head. “I fear we cannot include Caine in this. It wouldn’t be of Jax’ best interest — or yours, if you’re looking to help him,” the chess piece spoke, sounding quite serious in his tone, almost urgent. “We need to keep this between ourselves, alright?”
Pomni’s confusion was imminent, and evident in how her brows furrowed at Kinger’s words. “Can’t we ask Caine if he has something that might help? I’ve seen him fix Ragatha and my hand with one of these bad boys.” She snapped her fingers. “Just— like that. Why would it be out of his limitations to halt an ongoing abstraction that hasn’t gone through fully?”
“Abstractions aren’t humans anymore, at least not in Caine’s eyes — they’re no longer his concern. When my wife abstracted,” Kinger held his words for a moment, sadness lingering within his eyes, “I had to essentially beg him to not delete her code. He worried for the Circus’ stability, and saw her abstraction as part of corruption the program had to remove. I instead offered quarantine, like you’d do with a virus before it gets handled.” He sighed. “It’s not a perfect solution by any means, though one I hoped to solve before it moves from temporarily to permanently. Abstractions are… complex.”
Pomni leaned forward. “Complex how?”
“Caine and I know virtually nothing about it,” Kinger admitted. “It’s as confusing and complex as the Circus itself, how people get trapped in here or how to escape it, even less about why humans abstract and what their function or abilities are. Are these abstractions still their human selves? Do they just share memories with the human’s file they took over? Are they infected user files? There’s a lot of possibilities.”
“Couldn’t Jax’ condition… help?” Pomni sounded gentle, bringing forth her question with hesitation which Kinger immediately clocked. “It might offer some insight, and wouldn’t Caine and you be interested in such knowledge, too? To… help if this happens again?”
His features softened as much as they could on his rather obscure facial plane, eyes watching her with a mix of curiosity and intrigue.
“Oh, I wish I had your enthusiasm, I really do Pomni,” he spoke, voice matching his expression. “As much as you’re right in my own interest in figuring out how abstractions work, Caine is… different. He doesn’t think twice, and that’s a flaw of his I’ve been working with for quite some time now. You have seen what he’d done after the Candy adventure, quick and sharp, no hesitation.”
Her posture stiffened, breaths halting for just a moment. Something inside of her core stung, like it always did when he was being brought up. “You’re… referring to Gummigoo?”
“Indeed I am. Caine is quick with decisions to make, and he’s final with them, too. He’s not a human like us, and getting him to listen to this idea would be complicated — especially now, where he’s already quite agitated.”
A desperate sigh escaped the Jester, sign of how tired Kinger’s revelation about Caine made her feel. Another option just… taken away like that. “I understand. I wouldn’t have assumed it to be this easy, honestly.”
Allowing herself a faint smile which quickly sobered, Pomni placed her chin on her palm as Kinger watched her every move.
“But there seems more on your soul than just the abstraction,” Kinger spoke, his voice offering a gentle nudge — an outstretched hand, to speak her mind and vent if she had to. It didn’t take more of his gesture for the Jester to deeply sigh.
“I just… feel exhausted,” Pomni admitted, knees to her chest to rest her chin atop. “Not merely because of Jax, it’s not… his fault he’s at this point now, but it still doesn’t really help with the situation. I hoped we could mend to these cracks we formed, and then just— it all simply exploded. I just don’t get why there’s so much fixation on me out of all people in here. Why not Ragatha, she seems to care about him — or used to, I guess.” She waved her hand, unable to contain her emotions while remaining still. “We have a falling out and suddenly it takes so little for him to open up?”
“People usually do not chose to be someone’s anchor. Often times, we end up becoming one for a person without even noticing it until they make it clear.” Kinger spoke without judgment; calm and gentle. “We all tend to hold onto someone if we cannot count on ourselves anymore, seeking peace where there’s just… chaos. A rock admits crashing waves. And when they’re the most desperate, they seek all solutions they might have. Even if it means to make themselves vulnerable by being honest.”
“But why me?” Pointing at herself with both hands, Pomni’s face grew confused. She finally let lose of those feelings piling up inside of her head. “I simply don’t get why he’s chosen to open up to me of all people. I’ve barely been here for some weeks, and suddenly… he seems to hate everyone else, but I don’t know what his deal’s with me. What is there he sees that I cannot comprehend? And why do I feel so bad for not being as strong as he might think me to be? I don’t owe him anything at all. I don’t want to owe anyone anything, really.”
“You’re stronger than you think you are, Pomni.” There they were again, similar words Kinger had spoken back during the Mildenhall adventure. Familiar, and yet they struck the cord again just as they’d done back then, too. “People sense authenticity, genuine emotions, being honest. From what I have seen? You’re a very honest and open woman, and that’s a trait worth it’s weight in gold, not just in here but up in the real world as well.”
She didn’t reply, and when her questioning gaze met Kinger’s, he simply continued. “I am not to say that the others aren’t genuine in their own ways. Though in this specific case with Jax… you have seen how he treats the others, and how they’ve responded in return.”
“He gets what he deserves, I guess,” Pomni mumbled. “An eye for an eye.”
“At certain points the intentions of one’s behavior aren’t anything more but semantics I fear. If one oversteps this… boundary, there will be repercussions.”
“Yeah. His are imminent death.” She looked over to the side, face resting against her knees now. “I don’t know what to think of it. Abstraction looks… awful. Horrifying, painful even. Is it truly something people can deserve as consequences?”
Her eyes met those of the chess piece, and realized she’d asked her question to the right person — as much as it hurt speaking such words aloud, considering Kinger’s experience with abstractions.
“No,” he replied earnestly, voice almost distant, yet remaining as soft as before. Though there lingered a certain attentiveness, a certain commanding presence within it. “Not for those inside of the Circus. It is a fate I would never truly wish upon any of you, no matter what had happened.”
Kinger folded his hands over his robe, a hint of sadness building up around him. “And I’m willing to find a solution, if there is one.” His gaze met Pomni’s. “I cannot guarantee you that any of what I can do will work, though. There is still a very big chance of it backfiring, causing discomfort or pain, or in the worst case, a full abstraction.”
“It’s a risk I’m willing to take.” Pomni hesitated. “And I think Jax would be willing, too.”
“Are you for certain?” Kinger didn’t doubt her ability to assess Jax’ demeanor towards rather experimental means to rid him of the abstraction, though he needed to make sure. It wasn’t going to be easy, and it most likely wasn’t going to be nice. Who truly knew if the rabbit would even be up for it, considering they’d be doing this for something he never showed much care for — humanity, and a willingness to continue living.
“Despite all of the masks he’s been putting on, his entire archetype shtick… deep down there’s still a human clinging to life and his humanity, whatever remains. If not Jax himself, it’s worth trying to save that piece of humanity he’s been dangling on. Maybe it’ll… help. However that’ll look like.”
Pomni remained quiet for a few moments, taking in Kinger’s words, pondering over them all while playing with her bracelets. Eyes overcast by her lids and furrowed brows she peered to the side, sighing softly. Her resignation spoke more words than her lips ever could.
“Is it… bad for me to feel like I shouldn’t be doing this?” She finally asked, unable to meet Kinger’s eyes. “I want to help him, I really do. But sometimes, inbetween, there is this… seed of doubt. Like I just know that if anything was to go wrong, or he does or act in a way that’ll make me doubt his progression — I don’t know if I could go on with this anymore. I dread the day he does something I cannot forgive him for.”
“It’s not bad. It’s realistic,” Kinger concurred. “You’re as much of a human as anyone else is, and you have to protect your own mind in this, too. Dealing with abstractions and the inevitable bad sides coming with them is nothing easy, and the toll that is taken on has to be considered. Don’t feel bad for setting those boundaries. They’re within your rights.”
“I know. Yet, I…” She interrupted herself, shaking her head with a puzzled expression. “My feelings towards Jax are so weird. At times I want to help, I want to be close and show him that he’s just as much human as any one of us. And at other times I’d love to simply kick his a[ ] down a cliff for how insufferable he can act. Frankly, he deserves it for the bullying.”
She didn’t expect a deep sigh to come from the chess piece, his eyes shadowed over by what Pomni could only describe as some sense of relation — and hidden bitterness, cloaked in layers finding it’s root in sadness. The same kind of sadness an old person had when they witnessed younger generations throwing away valuable relations and experiences; missing out on them due to their own stubbornness.
And weirdly, Pomni felt herself relating to Kinger’s reaction. It was merely a few years separating her from Jax’ age, and yet whenever she looked at him she felt twice as old, twice as mature. She’d been quite different in her early twenties looking back, jumping from person to person, never settling down long enough for a stable relationship to establish itself naturally — of any nature, really. Watching people from afar, knowing how they clicked and worked, but never approaching fast enough to slip into their lives. Frankly it’d never bothered her before.
In the Circus however she’d found herself confronted with this exact same situation. New people, though a limited number of them, and they’d all gone through different hardships. Some were still going through them. Being the ‘newbie’ in any social situation had never been Pomni’s favorite, one reason for her to stop moving from city to city in the long run, unwilling to constantly overthrow her circles and re-introduce a new version of herself which would inevitably disappear within months. Like a ghost, she’d vanish from everyone’s lives.
In here, there was no running. There was either silence, or willingness to work through any issues arising — such as she did now. She felt proud of herself, though whenever she did, it lingered bitter inside of her mouth; an aftertaste so viscious it ought to make her gag sometimes. Bound to these two choices Pomni couldn’t just run.
“But I’d never expect the price for all this to be… abstraction. Nothing so final,” she continued, voice weakened and almost frail, on the verge of losing her composure. “I’d never wish abstraction upon anyone, not even the worst version One can be in here. I just hope we’ll find something that will work.”
She got up from her sitting position, legs burning faintly from having stayed motionless for a good while now. And her mind ran such laps she felt restless remaining in one spot.
“I don’t want anyone to abstract… anymore if we can prevent or even stop it at all,” Pomni added, voice on the verge of hopelessness, searching eyes meeting those of Kinger, who had followed her up from the couch, approaching her.
“Don’t you fret, Pomni.” His hand lingered above her shoulder; never quite touching it and seeking permission, and she didn’t withdrew it. “If anything, I’d be welcoming you coming by from time to time, to see the progress. It might also help you.”
Pomni’s eyes faintly shimmered in the dim lighting, blinking in surprise.
“Thank you,” she quietly spoke, unable to raise her voice any further as she fought back tears — those of relief, and of appreciation she could barely contain.
Within flickering walls and a world unfit for a human’s mind there seemed to be at least one person standing stead-fast; willing to reach out a supportive hand when she needed it. And even though the Jester was thankful for Ragatha’s as well, there was just something about Kinger’s help. It separated itself quite distinctively from the others.
“Before you go—,” Kinger’s voice threw her back into the real world, and Pomni witnessed him rummage around in a cabinet’s drawer right next to the couch. “— take this with you. It might… help to some degree. Nothing too extraordinary, and no cure, but at least a small goodie that might come in handy for Jax. And you as well, if you need it.”
She felt his hand extend towards her own, and without even thinking about it the Jester grabbed a glass bottle, wrapping her fingers around the label, stowing it away safely for the time being. Whatever it was, she could check it out back in Jax’ room, trusting Kinger to have given her something of worth and good use.
“What’s that?” Pomni asked, and Kinger seemed almost amused.
“A little remedy my wife had often made, and managed to re-create the recipe of inside the Circus for our own little needs.”
“But— do you really wanna give this to me if it’s from your wife?” Questioning look in her eyes, Pomni eyed the glass vial, then Kinger again. She saw in his face it wasn’t quite easy for him to give it up, though determination for her to receive it outweighed everything. “Don’t you wanna keep it? It’d feel bad just taking it like that.”
“Don’t worry.” He sounded as confident as his gaze met that of the Jester. “I trust you will make good use of it. She would’ve wanted me to give it to someone in need of it.”
Kinger’s eyes were shadowed over by their lids for a moment, gaze slowly lingering on something Pomni couldn’t see herself.
“She would’ve liked you,” the chess piece mumbled, a hint of a smile in his voice. “She always had a fondness for people willing to stand up, not just for themselves but also those who can’t do it on their own.”
Pomni’s reply didn’t come to her right away.
She lingered, re-thinking the words Kinger had spoken, placing gentle silence inbetween the two of them. And he noticed, leaving her the space to answer when she felt ready to. There was shared, mutual resonance; allowing their word's echoes to run until they couldn't no more.
“I would’ve loved to meet her.” She spoke with care, voice lowered as were her eyes. “You haven’t spoken about her a lot, but from what you’ve said she sounded like a good person.”
“That she was.” Kinger’s eyes were reached by a smile swinging between earnest joy and sorrow he had to yet work through. “The finest bug catcher in this Circus.”
A smile of her own sprawled across Pomni’s face, fingers now closing confidently around the bottle, holding it dearly and tight. “Thank you, Kinger. I really appreciate that you want to help me. It means a lot.”
“Don’t worry. I will try my best, and I will get back to you when I find something that might be of use.” Kinger’s eyes were nothing but gentle as they lingered on her small frame. “I wish you a good night.”
She gave him a small, but honest look of joy. “Thanks. You have a good one, too.”
Like yesterday, Pomni still wasn’t back in the room when Jax woke up again. His eyes shot open as much as his head suddenly rose from the pillow he’d been sleeping on, hands tightly wrapped around it and claws almost cutting through it’s fabric. Silence haunted the empty, dark room, his sensitive ears easily picking up his own heavy breathing. Somehow, despite all the coldness lingering underneath his skin, he felt hot — unbearably so, maybe even sweaty, which wasn’t made better at all considering the fur lining his body.
He jumped from the bed and tore off his shirt, uncaring for it’s fabric shredding, he just knew he needed to get some air circulation going or he’d simply lose those last bits of sanity the rabbit desperately clinged onto right now. And for once Jax felt relieved not to see Pomni around. Who knows what he’d be doing if there had been another person in his immediate area. Shoulders shaking, he sucked in as much air as he physically could, chest heaving through deep inhales and exhales — anything to cool him off, really.
Why is it so warm in here?
Of course there were no windows or anything resembling an air conditioner unit to even cool down the rooms, though Jax wasn’t even entirely sure if it was the room or his own body betraying him right now.
Ever since his eye had started to abstract he’d felt nothing but cold, freezing temperatures ravaging his body from the inside, but now he couldn’t stop himself from overheating like a dog during a hot summer day. His mouth stood open, a rare sight, and ungraceful as he carried himself he used it to expel heat — just like the dog left in a hot car he’d just thought about.
A key rattling in the lock had his ears perk up, and Pomni entered as quietly as she’d slipped out barely an hour ago, eyes locking onto Jax’ face. Her expression changed into something resembling confusion upon laying her gaze onto his pathetic display, fur drenched in what could be either sweat or water, eyes widened, breathing quite loudly. She’d never seen him like this, and it concerned her.
“What are you doing there?”
He shrugged at her questions, playing it off. As per usual. “Letting off some steam.”
Pomni’s brows did this thing again — furrowing. “Why?”
“I’m hot.” Fanning himself some air with his shirt by grabbing it’s collar, Jax tried to play off how much it bothered him by grinning.
“Wha— You know, I’m not going to question it.” She closed the door again and locked it, gently hiding the key underneath her top again.
His tilted head almost drove her insane — in a bad way. And then he dared to continue with a question that had Pomni consider tossing a pillow his direction. “Me being hot, or…?”
“Anything, really. I’m exhausted.” A yawn came from her as Pomni crawled back into the bed, right under the blanket before tossing it aside. “Ew!”
Her disgusted face almost made him laugh, though he refrained from it and instead simply asked: “What’s wrong?”
“It’s drenched in sweat!” Her face almost made him burst out in laughter. “And I mean drenched, holy sh[ ]t. Like it’s been dunked in a bathtub!”
“I did say I’m hot didn’t I?” Jax grimaced without joy, though it soon fell. “Sorry. I’ll get new ones, there’s some… back in the wardrobe I think.”
Quickly getting up from the bed he walked over, keen on keeping his face turned away. For once, the rabbit sounded genuinely apologetic — over a sweaty blanket of all things. Even his eyes had a glance inside of them the Jester found confusing, heavy with a somber sadness and hopelessness she didn’t expect Jax to be able to even experience in the first place.
He’d never looked this defeated, not even when he’d told her about Ribbit or his abstraction. The way his hands grabbed what seemed to be a new blanket solidified this weird behavior for Pomni, watching him hold onto that piece of fabric like he could offer any form of comfort or solace from a deeply ingrained sorrow.
He came back to the bed and handed the blanket to her, taking his sweet time to sit back down, now cast in silence and ears hanging low. Pomni’s face befell a puzzled look, and she scooted just barely closer, to which he tilted his head. Her hand almost reached for him, though she kept it to herself for now, ignoring it’s little twitch.
“Are you still experiencing the shaking and freezing?” She asked, not only to fill the silence, but to also understand what was going on with him right now. His head shook.
“No. If I’m honest I’m moreso feeling like a heater ready to explode on the spot from running too long,” Jax admitted through a mumble, running a hand through his mane before looking at it; his palm glistering with sweat. “I’d rather be cold.”
Indeed he was radiating warmth, but it wasn’t just that. A murky smell emitted from these black patches which hadn’t visibly grown overnight, and she only noticed it now. Scrunching up her nose and immediately relaxing her face again she leaned back just a bit to breathe in without the smell. Their rooms being without windows or any kind of proper air circulation did not help at all.
“I think you’d be better off taking a bath,” the Jester suggested, and for a moment Jax looked hurt at her sudden recoil. “Might help with the sweat. And… something’s off with your… spots.” She pointed at the patches, and his eyes followed, furrowed brows emitting confusion towards her comment.
“There’s nothing wrong with them, what do you mean— oh eugh.” Taking a whiff off of the dark spot on his arm, Jax’ fur bristled and he shook himself like a cat that’d gotten water on itself. “Why the f[ ]ck do I smell like a swamp??”
The way his head recoiled reminded Pomni of a cat licking their own fur and realizing they were wet, ears pinned backwards with disgust at his own smell.
“Good question.” Gone were her plans of going to sleep, and Pomni jumped from the bed. Maybe she could be using this time to go over Kinger’s advice again. “Come, I know where we can find a bathtub in here.”
Jax’ ears perked up, genuinely surprised at her revelation. “You? How did you find a bathtub?” His question sounded confused, though less in a demeaning way. He’d been the one to snoop around everywhere, look into nooks and crannies most wouldn’t even had considered worth their time. But he’d never found anything resembling a bathroom, and if he had, he’d been the first to use it.
Pomni gestured around, shrugging her shoulders while she did so. “Well, when I first arrived here and looked for Caine I accidentally opened the door— and surprised someone during their bath time.” Her frame shook. “Not a pleasant experience. I hate jumpscares.”
Jax was already standing, and so she walked over to him, keeping a distance. Not too estranged, but enough for him to notice. Something on her face told him that she was awaiting his answer, and the rabbit didn’t take long to make that decision. His eyes running her up and down in a second, and a nod followed.
“Alright then,” he mumbled. “Show me this bathroom.”
Chapter 7: Arnica Soothe
Summary:
Arnica smells like sage and pine, and it soothes injuries too - external ones as well internal ones. And given how many both of them had endured these past exhausiting days, they're looking forward to sharing some gentle moments together with nothing to worry about but their own complicated feelings towards one another.
Notes:
Welcome back once more, my twirling pancake toppers! Here we go with the fluff chapter - well, there ought to be a bit of angst included, but c'mon, it's funnybunny. It can't be wholesome the *entire* time! :]
As always, art attached to the bottom of the chapter, have fun my superstars!
Chapter Text
We experience love
Disappear in the rush
This is innocent lust
This is sex without touch
To Pomni’s genuine relief the bathroom still stood behind the door she’d opened all those weeks ago — empty, and dark, though Pomni quickly found a light switch to illuminate the shadows. Lights sprung to life with humming wires, and Jax followed her inside with hesitance in his steps. He felt like a cat, ready to bounce at any given moment, especially considered he was about to take… a bath. Such simple task, but so weird too.
The last thing she could’ve used right now was that damn mannequin again, scaring her half to death with it’s weird ‘mask’ thing jumping right at her.
Tiled in blue and a ceiling made to look like the sky, Jax found himself unwillingly mesmerized by how realistic it looked. Apparently corresponding to the internal time of the Circus itself, the sky was tinted in dark indigo and a light gradient, clouds dark — and yet soft, stars sprinkled inbetween. His eyes widened, and Pomni couldn’t help but smirk at his reaction. She’d rather, if ever, seen him this taken in by something. To some extend it reminded her of the stargazing adventure — their first true point of connecting.
Quickly ridding herself of memories about those times she pointed towards the tub, polished golden handles quietly shimmering in the bathroom’s soft overhead lighting.
“So,” the Jester opened, voice almost cracking as she forced herself to slice right through the silence, “how do you like the water?”
“Wet.” Jax didn’t hesitate in his reply, and his face had his signature grin present right there when he turned his head towards her.
Still there lay something deeper beneath it, a crack revealing utter tiredness and exhaustion she herself felt within her own bones and body, ravaging through her flesh like fire crackling through wood.
She almost felt her facade break enough to laugh, knowing exactly they were both playing pretend. Playing… fine. As if nothing grand was ever to rear it’s ugly head towards them, exposing it’s fangs with ill intent.
“Haha. Do it yourself, then.” Gesturing towards the tub Pomni watched the rabbit approach, his hands fiddling around with the handles, mumbling to himself.
They looked similar to the ones he was used to… back home. Whatever home was even supposed to be right now, considering their circumstances. Jax shook his head, banishing those memories before they could even dare to spread roots in his mind, clearing his throat as he pushed one handle — receiving warm water as reward, and he grinned.
“Gotta wait until it’s full,” he stated the obvious, attempting to remove his shirt. Every movement of his seemed stiff, like a person in pain trying their best to play over any discomfort.
She knew — because she felt it, too. Had felt it a long time ago when they’d still lived in the real world. Pretending to be fine despite aching; nothing has truly changed, hasn’t it? They were both peas in the same pod.
Pomni got herself out of her own head before it became too real, eyes locked onto water flowing continuously from the faucet, to which she pointed. “Don’t you wanna put in cold water, too?”
“Nah.” Jax shook his head. A flick of his ear followed, playing off his demeanor.
Her hand gestured, trying to keep the silence out. “I’m just saying, if you’re on the verge of overheating lukewarm water helps way more.”
For a moment Pomni didn’t even assume he’d consider her tip, until Jax moved back to the tap, opening the cold one as well — though on a less intense power than the other; while that went on he continued with undressing.
Turning around to the side the Jester quietly cleared her throat, unsettled by their mutual silence, eyes keen on averting Jax for the time being. He caught on to her quite quickly.
“Why so shy?” Even his voice sounded playful, despite the obvious exhaustion hidden within. “You’ve seen me topless before.”
“I just wanted to be nice, I suppose,” Pomni mumbled, moreso to herself than him, “I’m already helping you with the bath, so I didn’t want to come off as rude by watching you.”
It wasn’t the entire truth — that, she kept inside of her mind, unable to form it into words worth her voice. She feared staring him down in case those abstracted patches had spread on his body as well, having seen how disgusted Jax looked at them whenever they’d been brought up. Deep down she knew how it felt to be reminded of something One would rather forget about, or not have on their body at all. After all, those black markings were a silent, yet loud reminder what would come next for Jax’ fate, and Pomni didn’t know how to approach them.
Shoulders dropping, his frame relaxed, realization settling in what exactly Pomni was referencing.
“I don’t mind.” Voice soft, almost inviting. Strange to hear something this gentle from a mouth that sharp, especially if it was Jax’. “There’s nothing to hide I guess.”
Slowly, with hesitance, her gaze returned, steadfast set on his face. He could sense her apprehension, watch it take over an almost worried expression. Taking a step towards her she didn’t back off, and Jax didn’t know what even came over him as he approached — noticing details in her face he hadn’t considered before. Small freckles so miniature they might as well not exist, the way she never quite closed her mouth… except the few times she’d gotten genuinely frustrated. Especially with him.
Pomni almost forgot to breathe when she was met with Jax’ intense gaze, only noticing now how the rings in his abstracted eyes rotated around themselves, spinning endlessly, simply their glow’s intensity changing hinting at any movement at all. It was almost mesmerizing to witness, and she felt no desire for more distance between them — she let him come in close, approach hesitantly though intently, and her hand twitched.
He’s either gonna jump or kiss me, one of the other.
She didn’t even know which one she’d prefer. Beating furiously in her chest sat a heart uncertain of his intent, though despite it all there remained curiosity wanting to see where this was going to end. Pomni didn’t step back even when distance closed in even further, Jax moving so sly it almost looked eerie; unworldly — too fluid for a human, too uncanny for anything sapient, really. Not just an apex predator.
His breath grazed her skin, reflecting the warmth his body was still radiating, smelling strangely like myrrh and incense at once. Peeking upwards she yet again met searching eyes, one the familiar pale yellow, the other’s glowing rings constricting faintly; like they were focusing on something the Jester couldn’t see on her own face. Suppressing the urge to touch it her heart skipped a beat when Jax suddenly spoke up again, voice cutting through their silence.
And his words came quite unexpected. “I never noticed how cool your eyes look.”
She almost burst out in laughter, taken seriously aback by the sudden change in mood — all thanks to his sudden comment, holding back utter confusion. “WHAT?!”
“Your eyes,” Jax repeated, tilting his head, ears swaying softly. “That’s a wicked pattern ya got there.”
“Are you serious?!” Pomni could barely contain her surprise and jest at his remark, subtle warmth rising to her cheeks and intensifying the artificial blush on there. “For a second there I thought you were close to biting off my face or something, and then you drop this?!”
Corners of his mouth twitching, Jax inched forward, closing in what little space was still left inbetween them. “You thought I was going to bite your face?”
“Yeah— I guess so. Or whatever else that head of yours came up with.” Following her statement was Pomni’s index finger pushing against Jax’ forehead — parallel to what he’d done during their little archetype-talk the other day.
He didn’t react to it, instead the tilt of his head increased. “What’s something else?”
“Uh— no idea, I just said it like that,” the Jester admitted, one eyebrow raised. “Why do you ask?”
He leaned in even closer, and Pomni pursed her lips in surprise, eyes widening slightly. Each of these subtle movements were quickly caught by his searching look, two different eyes assessing everything in the small plane that was her face.
Then, he simply asked: “You wanna find out what ‘something else’ could be?”
Inside of her chest a heart filled with confused emotions pounded. Hesitation delayed her answer, and Jax retreated back to the tub without another word. Grasping onto her shirt with one hand, Pomni’s stare went everywhere but the rabbit, calming her breathing and heartbeat as much as she possibly could right now.
She couldn’t have said Yes — and she couldn’t have said No.
Whatever she’d just felt in this very moment, there stood walls between herself and these feelings too great to simply ignore and let herself fall into his arms this easily. It wasn’t right, and Jax probably noticed, too. Hesitation and no clear saying, giving him the answer he needed. Too much stood between them and suddenly he felt guilty for even acting upon these impulsive thoughts.
Jax wanted to smash his head against the wall in frustration. Setting himself and her up for failure like this and playing into it like it was nothing. With his back turned the rabbit allowed himself to silently snarl, eyes closed tightly with sharp teeth exposed, emotions ravaging throughout his head. He had to control them, quickly — lest he’d risk these damned patches increasing in size. Breathing didn’t come easy for him, lingering smell of decomposition reaching his senses once more, and he grabbed whatever bottle sat on the edge of the tub, dumping it into the water without care. Anything possibly able to cover up such displeasing stench.
Pomni watched him intently before the flash of an idea came to her, causing the Jester to faintly jerk out of her frozen stance. She was still carrying that bottle Kinger had given her after their talk, an urge inside of her driving the Jester to get it out and actually read the label. Dancing within the glass bottle was an almost golden liquid, light and looking something akin to champagne now that she thought about it. Curious, Pomni tilted it, watching the light shining through and being cast onto the floor as yellow dots.
His voice cut through the mutual silence, shadows moving. “What’s that?”
Jax’ question caught her off-guard. Barely holding onto the bottle as it threatened to slip from her fiddling hands Pomni looked over.
“Kinger gave it to me,” she spoke, sitting down on the chair next to the tub, still turning the vial and taking a proper look at it’s label. “He said it might be… a bit of a help. No cure, though still thoughtful of him. His wife made it.”
“He’s talked to you about her?” Jax sounded genuinely surprised, and Pomni recalled the moment they had during Zooble’s bar adventure — the confused look the rabbit had thrown her when she’d brought up Queenie.
Her eyes went round in wonder, considering that Jax had been around longer than most of them — only rivaling Ragatha’s time inside of the Circus. “Hasn’t he talked to any of you about her?”
“Not to my knowledge. I know she existed, but try getting Kinger to talk normally about anything, really.” Jax scoffed, though not earnestly. There laid something else underneath his dismissive persona, something… almost sad in nature, and Pomni squinted at him.
He took immediate notice, clearing his throat.
“Back to the bottle,” Jax spoke, cutting their little exchange short, “can it be used for the bath?”
She didn’t comment on his sudden shift in topic, assuming a lot which she couldn’t quite prove — or didn’t even want to.
“I suppose? It’s liquid after all.” Unscrewing the cork Pomni took a quick whiff, face showing pleasant surprise at it’s smell. “Doesn’t seem too bad.”
Extending it towards Jax he leaned over the bottle, face moving faintly as he sniffed, ears perking up as surprise lit up in his eyes, which met Pomni’s gaze for a moment.
“It’s good,” he acknowledged. “You think I can have some of that for the bath?”
“I don’t see why not. Kinger gave it to me specifically after telling him about your… condition. Maybe it’ll be of some help.”
Corners of his mouth twitching, he allowed himself a soft smile upon a tired face. “Aces.”
She poured a few drops of the potent liquid into the water and within seconds the entire bathroom was engulfed in it’s sweet smell — earthy, grassy almost, notes of pine needles and sage quietly hugging every inch of the room. Even just smelling it put both of them at ease; inchmeal their tension lost it’s relevance, melting off their bodies like honey dripping off a spoon.
“I see why Kinger loves it,” Pomni commented, earning herself a nod from Jax in agreement. “Alright, seems to be enough. You wanna get it?” She asked as she corked the bottle back up for safekeeping, hand gesturing towards the tub.
He threw her a glance she couldn’t quite read. “Yeah. Give me a moment to undress, alright?”
Right.
Pomni hadn’t noticed that he’d been standing there still halfway in his clothes, which were quickly tossed aside. Other than before he didn’t even seem to mind her presence, and she didn’t even notice her looking his direction. She hadn’t expected anything else — smooth bodies, nothing to even indicate anything relating to genitalia. Frankly, it came to nobody’s surprise. They weren’t supposed to be humans, they were supposed to be avatars.
No wonder Zooble had asked for ‘the ability’ to have sex. There was nothing to gain from their bodies, and deep down — despite her own apprehension and personal lethargy towards the topic, the Jester felt understanding for them. How frustrating it must be to be get stripped of such normal societal ways of bonding, of experiencing. Not only did they lose their hunger, thirst and desire for sleep, they lost any connection to a body a human might’ve used to feel… at home.
“You okay with me sitting down?” Pomni pointed at the chair next to the tub, eyes watching Jax’ reaction, which looked confused for a second until realizing where she was nodding towards.
“I don’t mind,” he replied, voice small.
So she took a seat, elbow resting on the tub’s edge. While not watching Jax with intent she could see his movements from the corner of her sight, slow and gentle, washing off the black patters in his fur which gradually got darker as it got wet.
The way she observed him wasn’t anything with a second thought. It just felt intriguing, the most she’d seen of him undressed had been his bare upper body. Pale lilac fur lined the rest of it, gradually broken up by almost white fur on his underbelly, arms and legs, blue gradients tinting a few spots running up the back and to his head.
And inbetween stood those dark, blue — almost black — splotches, separating light fur like spread open cuts. To her own surprise they weren’t as repulsive up-close as she’d expected them to be. Within dark blue, cloudy depths were soft, bright sprinkles inbetween, losing and gaining luminosity as if they were blinking stars on an indigo banner. All that was missing was a moon, and it’d looked like she was staring up into the earth’s night sky.
“These… patches,” Pomni spoke up again, voice as soft as her words — carefully chosen. “They look like the sky at night.”
“Huh? What?” Lifting his head, Jax blinked. “They do?”
“Yeah. Look — they even got little stars in them.” Cradling her face in her hand Pomni leaned in closer, eager to see more detail. “Looks like they’re fading in and out.” She pointed at them with her finger, and Jax looked down onto his arm, watching her words be real as his eyes made out small, re- and disappearing white dots.
“What… the f[ ]ck.” He pulled a face, and she giggled. Not at his confusion, but his sudden reaction, which consisted of his ears perking up and eyes shooting down towards his body. “That’s weird. I’ve never seen this.”
She tilted her head, supporting it with her palm. “Have you ever seen abstractions up close? I mean— I know you’ve seen them, but in that detail?”
“No, never. I never paid much attention to any patterns either, honestly.” Jax’ eyes still lingered on the spots. “But… you’re right. They do look like the sky…”
Gazes meeting there stood something in his eyes Pomni couldn’t quite decipher. An almost compelling, timid expression he didn’t dare putting on his face. She hasn’t even noticed how close their heads had become once more, though she didn’t pull back — instead, she leaned in and against his, breathing out.
He felt the brief gust against his forehead, sweet and warm, and closed his eyes, allowing gentle touch between themselves she’d offered first. And despite warm water surrounding Jax’ entire body the awful, dingy feeling of overheating wore off with each passing moment — not to be replaced by cold, but… content.
Inside of his chest a growing urge to preserve this grew, and he quickly shut it out. There was no use in putting saving over savoring it. Who knew how much time they’d left? How much he had left?
Normally he would’ve pulled back as soon as he’d felt her intentions, brushing it off, making a remark filled with nothing but fake laughter and jokes he didn’t even mean — anything to delay the inevitable attachment.
Who am I fooling? It’s already to late to delay it. Can’t exactly delay something that already took place.
Jax didn’t realize how much he’d leaned into their touch, not until Pomni suddenly let out a small yelp — and slipped. His eyes shot back open to the Jester sitting on the floor, chair on it’s side; one hand still up as if she’d tried to grasp onto him, and her laughing in what could only be described as bewildered amusement.
He immediately got up and extended her hand so she could grab it, face and voice filled with worry. “Did I push you off?”
“Yeah you did,” she chortled, obviously taking no offense to it as she put the chair back up and accepted the rabbit’s help. “I felt you pushing against my face and suddenly there I was, kissing the floor.”
“I’m sorry.” The apologetic expression on Jax’ face didn’t help with her amusement, though he didn’t notice. “I was kinda lost in my thoughts. You sure you’re okay? The floor is tiled—”
“I know. I’m fine.” Her smile didn’t waiver. “Don’t worry. ‘Tis but a scratch.”
Raising his eyebrows at her, he chuffed. “At least you still have your arm.”
She breathed out another laugh, and suddenly her head was back in position, leaning against him and arms crossed on the tub’s edge. “At least I still have that, yeah,” she whispered, and it ran a sudden shiver down his spine.
When did they become so close? There it was again, this growing urge to push her off. But Jax knew — if he did it now, she might not lean back in. She might not extend herself to him in this regard just for him to disregard it. Deep down he knew he wanted it. There was nothing inside of him that did not scream for him to accept her gentle gestures, as much as he’d felt how hard it’d been on Pomni to acknowledge these feelings.
He still saw her fighting them daily, even if she assumed he didn’t notice at all. Every small detail, her sleeping on the floor, her having the gun even though she’d hid it from him before he’d woken up. The long talks with Ragatha and now Kinger, no doubt involving him and his behavior. And he deserved it, too.
I’m not going to think about this now.
And immediately, he betrayed this notion. Anything to get his mind off of these thoughts, off of staring at her. Somewhere on the edge of the tub Jax found a sponge. Despite his internal urge to resist using it — who knew if it’d been used before? Eugh! — he eventually dunked it in the water, making sure it soaked up some of the ointments as well before using it to clean any abstracted areas. Whenever the sponge touched them a faint sizzling sensation ran through his body, and his ears twitched in annoyance.
Pomni took immediate notice — how couldn’t she? “Does it hurt?”
“No, it’s just…” Jax furrowed his brow, dabbing the sponge on the area and flinching back when it happened again. “It feels like getting a faint electric shock or something. A bit weird.”
Her head tilted. “Do these patches conduct electricity?”
“How should I know? I hope not, considering I’m in a tub full of water,” he bit back, though with more jest than anger. “I’d be dead by now. Or in excruciating pain at the very least.”
“Touché. You have a point.”
I can’t let myself fall into this hole any deeper.
For my sake — but also her. I can’t abandon her like that, not after everything I’ve done, after everything she’s doing for me right now, despite my previous behavior.
His eyes looked heavenward, unable to bear sight of the room any longer.
I’m bad for her. And she knows. Yet, she’s still here, still helping me, still looking out that I’m not imploding.
She could’ve left me alone to abstract on my own, and what did she do? She stayed. She didn’t run away. After everything I’ve said to her.
Why can’t you just give up on me? It’s easy, you have enough to work with. The others did it, so you can do it too.
It felt hard admitting it. And deep down, Jax struggled to upkeep these thoughts in a positive way — a way to change, and possibly… forgiveness. He knew they’d never trust him again, no matter how much they’d be willing to accept redemption. It was a decision he himself could not make for them. If he’d always be like that in their eyes what good could come of change, especially considering his imminent abstraction somewhere in the future?
Silence was a character. And it stood inbetween them, interrupting any potential for talk or even exchanged glances.
Pomni’s head averted she still cradled her chin on her palm, looking over to the side, where shadows met in a far-away corner of the bathroom — one the lights didn’t quite touch.
She herself was caught in her own thoughts, similar to Jax, questioning and circling on the spot — old and new memories.
It’s so strange that he’s the closest I’ve felt at home. It shouldn’t feel like this, but it somehow does and I can’t figure out why.
Is he bad for me? Am I bad for him? I wish I knew more about this… relationship and feeling thing.
We’ve come so far — I can’t let go. I don’t want to let go.
She’d never indulged in it deep enough to even recall how it’s supposed to feel like. Sure, Pomni knew there were certain standards, borders and boundaries, things One shouldn’t do when they were with someone they truly loved. And yet, she couldn’t bring herself to break it off — if there even was something in the first place. Despite it all the Jester was unable sorting and naming her emotions; putting labels on them felt impossible even after all this time. Was there more to their connection than she assumed? Did she even want there to be more?
She wished for nothing more but clarity. On them, on her feelings, on his feelings regarding her. Coiling up inside of her was this raging doubt and pain, fear almost — fear that her emotions would go unrequited, undesired even.
Above them, the sky ceiling had changed, orange and pink gradients slowly moving into the indigo and displacing glowing stars. It was about to become morning again, and neither of them had slept. What else was new? Another night wasted awake, but little words of weight spoken. Moreso, he feared a step back despite their shared intimacy.
Pomni’s face spoke silently of exhaustion. She was tired, and so was he.
“The water’s getting cold.” Speaking up and interrupting their moment felt wrong. But his chest constricted enough for Jax to realize the knot still inside, and he couldn’t bear it any longer. He had to stop before it became worse — before he became worse.
Lifting her head, Pomni’s questioning gaze grazed him. “You wanna come out?”
“Mhm.”
“Alright. I’ll see if I find a towel.” She got up from the chair, hands on her legs and eyes remaining on him before finally turning away.
“Thanks.” Jax faced her back, unable to move; his limps felt as if they were frozen in place despite the lukewarm water surrounding him.
Deeply sighing his hand fished for the drain, tugging on the string until he felt a gentle rush in the water, watching it slowly swirl into a glittery vortex. With each moment it drained from the tub it’s gentle smell faded; disappearing as quickly as it had engulfed them mere moments ago. Washing away, taking any stray memories with it. At least Jax hoped it would.
“Did Kinger’s tincture help?” Her voice came from somewhere in the room and when he lifted his head, she was rummaging around in the dark corner he’d previously laid eyes upon.
“I feel at least cleaner and less… hot,” Jax admitted, standing up from the almost drained tub. “And less exhausted, admittedly.”
A smile sprawled on the Jester’s face when she turned towards him, tossing a dry towel his way she’d grabbed from a wardrobe.
“That’s good to hear,” she commented. “I’m almost tempted using it on myself so I’m a bit more awake, but I suppose I’ll sit that one out. Can’t waste it if it’s useful.”
Layers below her joking attitude Jax could hear her desire for nothing more but sleep and peace — and he obliged, quickly using the towel to get most of the water out from his fur. It’ll remain damp for a few more hours, but nothing what some dry sheets and blanket couldn’t help with. Not to mention the lingering heath underneath his skin.
Quickly put on where his clothes and he tossed the used towel into the bathtub, unsure if it’ll be cleaned up after or not. Who knew. Anything could happen in the Circus.
“You done?” Pomni’s voice came from the door, hand wrapped around it’s handle.
“Yeah. I suppose.” Eyes lingering on the bathtub for just another moment Jax turned on his heel, following the Jester outside.
His door opened with faint creaking, key jingling in harmony with it’s hinges as they both entered. Closing it behind them, Pomni used her foot for the door.
“I’m so close to passing out,” she groaned, almost falling face first into her makeshift bed on the floor. “Hey, can you lock the door for me? I don’t feel like getting up again.”
Her hand searched around underneath her shirt before dangling the golden room key in front of Jax’ face, who in turn fulfilled her request, holding back laughter. There had been times where he’d almost forgotten locking it too, especially during nights where tiredness run him into the ground.
“Sure.”
“Thanks.” She yawned, stretching her entire body like a cat while doing so. “I appreciate it. Just toss it my way I’ll grab it.”
A smile spread on the rabbit’s face was he looked over, gently tossing the key so it just landed in front of her face, not hitting her directly.
“Thanks again,” Pomni repeated, mumbling into the pillow this time as Jax stepped over her with care to get into his own bed. “I’m not gonna lie, seeing you take that bath really makes me crave doing the same. Maybe… tomorrow or whenever.”
“You could use it,” he admitted, throwing the blanket over himself. “It’s… relaxing.”
“Just what I need,” she responded, faint voice almost too quiet to make out and his ears perked up to understand her at all. “God it’s been so long since I’ve taken a bath…”
“Sadly, I can very much relate.” Jax grimaced. “Must be like… five or six years since last time. Hell, I stopped counting a while ago—…”
Interrupting himself, he slowly leaned over as snoring came from the floor, and his smile grew soft in response.
Watching her fall asleep in close vicinity again was familiar, but strange. They were so close and yet so far, her hair softly fanning out on the blankets she’d put on the floor, hands wrapped around the gun’s handle. And Jax couldn’t even blame her for such security measurements. If he was to abstract and suddenly attack she’d have nothing to defend herself with but this weapon, and he wouldn’t want it any other way.
When one had to die, he’d rather be him than her. She had a future, hope, a will to escape and regain her human form again — if that was even possible. He doubted it, and said doubt separated him from most of the others. They still clinged onto that small sliver of light that their bodies would be waiting for them at the end of the line, beyond the void, outside of the ‘Exit’ — if it even existed at all. Maybe it’d all been a dream, a hallucination manifested through sheer willpower and hopelessness merging into one. A human’s mind could be their strongest weapon, even inside a digital world made from nothing but ones, zeros and code no one would ever quite grasp.
She was the ocean, and he was but a stone in way of her waves.
And maybe it wasn’t supposed to be any other way.
Chapter 8: A Talk So Royal
Summary:
... it brings out the worst in you.
Kinger and Jax have a talk in the night, and neither anticipated what stones this would bring into motion - a whole landslide threatening to turn into a mountain as it piles it, and suddenly, everything goes downhill to an extend no one had on their mind.
Notes:
!! CONTENT WARNING !!
Suicidal Thoughts / Implied Suicide Attempt at the end of the chapter.
Please read with caution if these are sensitive topics for you. As soon as the gun is mentioned at the end you can skip if you do not wish to read about it in detail.
Also worth mentioning, a good part of the chapter deals with vomiting. If you're squeasy, skip the entire bathroom scene.Welcome back, my blistering desert flowers, to another chapter - which turned out to be over 13k words in length. I tried cutting it down into 2 chapters, though couldn't do it without severely disrupting the flow of the entire arc happening. >_>
That's also one reason why it took so long to write, but not just it's length turned out to be a factor influencing this, but also my new project! I'm adapting scenes from this fanfiction as comic/storyboards, to be more precise an arc appearing in later chapters. :] I won't be sharing WIPs or images of it on AO3 due to spoilers, though if you'd like to see them they're on my tumblr! (kalpeavaris)
Anyways, thank you so much for the continued support & I hope this longer chapter doesn't scare people away with the wall of text I'm about to throw at you :'D
As always, there's art attached to the end of it! See you next chapter!
Chapter Text
All the people I have grown to love
That I've had to leave behind
Because that was the way the road turned
I'm sorry I have let you down
You caught me in a moment
When I was trying to catch the wind
Thought there was some kind of magic
But there was just well executed tricks
A knock on their door made both of them lift their head, tired eyes staring at dark, unlit oaken wood. Evening had come with swift feet, and neither felt enticed to even get up and answer the door, though a lingering presence behind it made Pomni slowly sit up on her makeshift bed, eyes squinted.
“We got a guest, I suppose,” she spoke, addressing Jax on the bed, who hasn’t moved an inch ever since they’d come back from the bath, remaining almost stationary for a good twenty hours now.
She’d assumed exhaustion, though lingering suspicion of simple apathy had made their way into her mind — ever since their little shared moment something seemed off about Jax, though it might simply he his way coping with the situation; like he’d done on a lot of occasions already. It came to no surprise at this point.
He hadn’t even reacted when Pomni left the room for some food and talk with the others, appearing unbothered on the outside, but oh so torn and confused on the inside.
“Okay?” His ears barely perked up, indicating the little attention he even paid to whoever might’ve dropped by. It wasn’t like Jax cared much — after all, Pomni had made it very clear to hide his abstraction from anyone but Kinger, so who would’ve wanted to visit them and be let in as well?
Pomni took her sweet time getting up and opening the door, key jingling in the lock as she stepped back, and then looked over to the rabbit.
“It’s for you,” she spoke, making room for Jax to actually get close.
He breathed a deep, annoyed sigh, having to stand up from his quite cozy spot on the bed now.
“Who is it?” Came with a rumble hissed through his teeth, not even bothering turning his head to their guest at the door as he walked up to them, granting them no attention whatsoever. If Pomni was letting him just step into sight of someone potentially unknowing he wasn’t about to hide and pretend.
“Good evening, Jax.”
Oh god, it’s indeed the lunatic.
Jax almost slammed the door back into it’s frame, though he remained steady — simply because he felt Pomni’s burning gaze on his back, and she wouldn’t be happy. Not at all.
“What do you want?” The rabbit instead grumbled, ears pinned back now, which didn’t go unnoticed by Kinger.
“I’d love to talk to you, if you got the time.”
“I don’t have time. I never have time for a talk. Leave me alone.” He sneered, door hinging between half-closed and open, though Jax didn’t bring himself to slam it shut.
Instead he left it open and returned to his bed, showing how little he cared for Kinger’s request — even though deep down a voice urged him to go with the man, to actually hear him out on whatever he wanted to say. Lucid or not, the urge for socialization grew with each passing day isolated from the others. His eyes shot over to Pomni, who didn’t react at all, neither verbally nor physically. Simply sitting at his desk she remained neutral, watching both of them with intent in her eyes.
And the chess piece did not move, nor did he leave. Instead, his frame remained standing in the open doorway, shadow lingering above Jax’ unmoving position on the bed.
“I still would like to talk to you.” Kinger’s voice was quiet, almost too gentle for the rabbit — considering he’d just hurled insults and threats at his face he’d expected Kinger to simply turn and leave, not giving into ‘second chances’.
“If I were you I wouldn’t turn it down,” Pomni commented from across the room, causing Jax’ head to snap towards her, face showing a faint snarl. “Who knows, maybe you could use it.”
Jax threw his hands up before crossing them over his chest. “Fine! If you leave me alone after that.” He knew she wouldn't let him hear the end of it if he continued to decline. What's the worst that could happen?
A few moments with the residential senior. There were worse fates.
Quite the aggressive reply, though Kinger didn’t seem to have expected anything else from Jax, taking his shouted word with dignity the rabbit couldn’t quite get behind. Most others would’ve given him attitude by now, fairly so, but Kinger? Hands still neatly folded across his robe and eyes intently watching he seemed content with this reply, and nodded in return.
“I suggest we use the main area,” Kinger spoke, gaze shortly wandering as he thought. “There is no one in the tent at the moment, so we’d have some privacy.”
“Whatever, I don’t care,” Jax mumbled, vigor gone within seconds, voice almost a mumbled murmur. “As long as no one sees me I’m fine with whatever.”
“Glorious. Pomni, you don’t mind if I kidnap him for a bit?”
“Go right ahead.” The Jester couldn’t help but grin faintly, making a throw away hand gesture. “Maybe you can talk some sense into him, he’s done nothing but giving me the silent treatment for a few hours now.”
Jax’ face went sour as he turned it towards Pomni who didn’t even look up, not dignifying him with any response or reaction.
He hated it, and his glare told as much. Lips twitching barely revealing his teeth he followed Kinger outside of the room, slamming the door into it’s frame with some force.
He didn’t care if any of the others heard them or might even look outside, and Kinger seemed to have little concern too as they both ushered towards the main tent area, silence shared between them.
“I want to show you something. It’s quite rare that anyone ever gets to see it up close, and despite your time in here I assume you haven’t seen it either.” Kinger’s voice had a faint echo within the empty walls of the Circus tent, main area completely abandoned except for shadows and the occasional ray of moonlight making it’s way into the facility.
Jax’ ears perked up faintly at the sudden conversation starter. “Me? Not having seen something? Tsk. You must be talking to the wrong guy. I’ve scouted this place out countless of times!” He gestured around, taking in the entire main area with his movement. Each of said gestures was painted with this pompous display of a young man incapable of admitting he’d been beaten in his own game, and being around Kinger did not help easing his behavior. “What else could there be for me to find and be surprised by?”
Seemingly as unimpressed as One can be, Kinger didn’t even throw a glance Jax’ way, his hands still folded above one another, tempo quite regulated. The rabbit next to him almost outran him several times, having to slow back down for the chess piece to catch up.
“There is still one area no one is usually able to access. For good reason, I might add,” Kinger replied nonchalantly, finger raised almost mockingly — at least in Jax’ eyes.
The rabbit grit his teeth, to a point where he almost snarled. A slight assumption began brewing in his mind and he, in fact, did not like where this was going.
“Don’t you dare telling me we’re on our way to the cellar,” he hissed through his teeth, fur bristling at the base of his neck like a spooked cat, shoulders rising defensively.
Anything but the fucking cellar. Why would we even go there to begin with, what is there to gain from it other than more trauma?
Thanks, that’s exactly what I can use right now.
“You’re quick,” Kinger spoke, and it didn’t sound as condescending as Jax expected it to from his choice of words. “Indeed we are.”
“Why?” He was confused, and rightfully so. “Why would you bring anyone there, regardless if they’re close to abstraction or not?” Immediately, Jax stopped dead in his track, ears pinned back. “I ain’t coming with you. If this is some sort of trick to get me into the cellar early, I swear—…”
Taking a few moments to acknowledge Jax coming to a halt, Kinger took a few steps before turning around.
“There is no tricks. I’m not forcing you either,” he added gently. “If you do not want to go down there, we won’t. We can also talk in the fort.”
“Yeah.” Now the rabbit snarled. “Why even bring up the cellar in the first place then? Why would you ever bring anyone of us into that place? It’s dangerous. Caine isn’t trapping the abstractions in there for no reason, you know they’re deadly.”
“Indeed I know. Which is why I know better than you that this isn’t the case with the right circumstances.” Kinger wasn’t arguing. His voice sounded way to calm for that, and he refused to engage.
Ears moving back up, Jax rolled his eyes. “Where’s the fort you talked about.”
“Right this way.” Disembodied hands showing the way, Jax followed their gestures with squinted eyes, disgruntlement embedded in his eyes.
As much as he didn’t want to be here there was little choice to be had, and deep down his human side clinged onto the small sliver of hope that anything Kinger had to say would offer some sense of comfort, some… understanding. Not particularly himself, no. Understanding in how he’d impacted the people around him. Reflection Jax barely allowed himself to even acknowledge, literally turning his head away from every mirror he ever encountered.
Similar to Pomni, although not showing it outwardly Jax found himself pretty surprised by the fort’s inside. He’d never been in there, never had any interest in doing so — and now he stood there, surrounded by warmth and comfort, dim lights and gentle darkness. Quite different from that in his room, which felt dingy and suffocating, despite the vast space available to him.
Kinger turned on a small lamp, golden sheen illuminating a small area around it, tossing soft, blurry shadows onto the few furniture pieces scattered in a thoughtful arrangement; one sofa being the highlight of the small room, to which the chess piece now pointed.
“Take a seat.” An offer, not a demand. Jax took it.
“So, I still don’t understand.” Immediately upon sitting down the rabbit broke the silence with force behind his words, wanting answers. “Why did you want to drag me down to the abstractions? What lesson would this ever teach? I assume you wanted to teach me one, don’t lie. Pomni has high praise for you, so I know.”
“There is a lesson, indeed. Though one more realistic than you might think. Maybe seeing the people down there would’ve opened your eyes a bit more. One day, you might join them,” Kinger spoke, voice firm but gentle at the same time. He was still standing, tinkering with a few other, small lamps strewn about in the room. “And there will be mourning — though not from everyone. Unlike the others, there will be little good to be said, and that is a fate not even you deserve.”
One by one, a handful more golden lights lit up the room, leaving it still cast in enough darkness for Jax not to retreat from it.
Kinger knew how much abstracted people disliked a high level of lighting, and so he refrained from turning on too many lamps.
“Not even me?” Jax repeated, bitterness and surprise both fighting for dominance in his tone. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Exactly what I just said.” Kinger stood firmly on his point, though delivering it with patience few would have for the rabbit’s brass demeanor. “We both know you’re not the act you’re making yourself out to be.”
His gaze lingered on Jax long enough to make him turn his head away, one hand cradling the abstracted side of his face, almost like a cover. There was no verbal reply, but Kinger did not need one from the young man.
Instead, he continued: “This… mask of yours, it has brought a lot of pain and a lot of anger, both for yourself and the others.”
“Insane that you even remember any interactions I had with the others,” Jax mumbled, a low growl barely spoken above his teeth; desperate display of threat that never reached Kinger to begin with — and he knew. “I would’ve assumed you didn’t even know I existed.”
“I know more than I let on,” the chess piece replied the obvious, watching Jax roll his eyes. “But I didn’t come here to make that revelation to you. We both know there isn’t enough time for semantics, as much as I’d wish there to be some.”
“Why? Why did you even come here — for me?” Jax let out a laugh, without joy, filled with nothing but bitterness. “To give me a lecture? Some wise words?”
Kinger did not interrupt him, instead watching on solemnly silent, taking in every word spat through clenched teeth; hissed like a curse, a threat, though defensively — and never aggressively. He’d seen enough angry, young people in his life to know that interrupting and getting even louder would barely — if anything — improve their dialog.
Jax couldn’t sit, not now and he rose back up from the couch. His feet seemed to burn whenever he dared standing still for too long, constantly breaking out in quick-paced turns all around the sitting area; tail swishing impatiently; feeling as if he was a caged animal, bars closing in on him the longer he lingered silently and unmoving for too long.
Then, his voice continued, tossing an echo throughout the fort: “What good can I still do in this form, anyways? I’m abstracting, and there’s little left until I’ll be fully consumed by this… digital rot.” Jax spat the word out like it’d been venom in his teeth. “And cease to exist. There would never be enough time or even space to apologize, hell, even that wouldn’t be enough for any of them.”
His hands ruffled through his mane, claws tugging at single strands he grasped, pulling them out in an attempt to ease his racing, raging mind. “I can’t just… walk up to them and say ‘Oh hey by the way, I’m so sorry for my behavior these past couple of months. Hope we’re all good now’ — Zooble would rather shoot me again than ever listen to anything I have to say to them.” Jax shook his head, a bitterness tainting his familiar grin. “Never…”
“What would you say to them?”
“Huh?” Head shooting up the rabbit shared one confusing glance with Kinger, who had remained still next to one of the small tables adorned by a lamp, never having sat down. Simply watching Jax, his reactions, hearing his words. “What do you mean?”
“If Zooble — or anyone of the others — was to sit in my place right now, what would you say to them if you were capable of saying anything?”
For once, Jax didn’t reply right away. Visibly surprised by Kinger’s prompt he took a step back, face torn between confusion and resignation.
A sore spot being hit, and the chess piece recognized the reaction. “Would it be something mean? Would you’d be making fun of them?”
“I—…”
Is this truly the only thing he can think of me? How in the world is he even capable of thinking in these ways, why is he saying this?
He’s not wrong. But it’s weird.
Jax stumbled physically backwards, ears pinned back. There it was again, this dreaded, hollow ringing he’d been hearing ever since the night in the bathroom. His lips twitched, and Kinger could clearly tell how upset he was at being asked such thing — though, the chess piece did not care. There needed to be confrontation, and if it wasn’t him, it inevitably would come through someone else. Whether that be Pomni, or a worse option — for Jax — Zooble, who wouldn’t hold back.
Kinger was about to slice open this silence, not allowing Jax to even get back into the mindset of defending himself or his entire masking, wanting to draw him out. He’d gotten to a point where these already formed cracks deepened, threatening to split open entirely.
“Doesn’t it tire you to pretend you’re okay?”
Like a punch to the face, the question hit Jax full force, and he visibly flinched back, eyes widened — cornered prey, staring back up at it’s perpetration. Yet, there was no danger, no true threat looming over him and casting a shadow too big to ever fully see. No. It was something else, a question so directly aimed at his insecurities it felt like a wrecking ball crushing through a brick wall.
And Kinger knew. There it was again, this look in his eyes Jax had never seen before, making him increasingly nervous with each word spoken from the chess piece’s ‘mouth’. Minutes went by without either of them saying anything, mutual agreed on silence — one trying his best to not burst out with the truth, and the other patiently waiting for it to happen. Inevitably so.
And the rabbit was the first to break.
“I don’t know how to talk about this — about anything — without just… making it a joke,” Jax admitted in breathy, quiet words; sounding almost guilty, voice trembling in the far back of his throat as he pushed the words out with force. Speaking the truth felt like bile rising, and nausea followed this phantom sensation. “I thought if I ignored the reality of it all for long enough, make enough a joke out of it… it’d simply fade. Become obscurity, like the rest of this Circus,” he continued. “I don’t even know what I’m feeling half of the time, it’s just there and I’m scared that if I let it out— I won’t be able to put it back ever again.”
Kinger didn’t reply. He did not interrupt. And he didn’t need to, because Jax filled these empty spaces for him.
“Sometimes— no, every time I try to be somewhat open, somewhat… vulnerable, my body screams for me to stop, screams for me to abort, this rising feeling of danger even though there is nothing!” He laughed, and it sounded scarily grave. Throwing gestures around the room with his hands, his rambles went on without him even noticing: “It’s stupid! Who feels like that?! Who thinks like that, too?? It’s not enough for me to look like a f[ ]cking bunny, no, gotta make it worse — give me prey instincts too, so I shall never try to rise above anything but this stupid archetype! It’s psychotic, isn’t it?!”
Talking to Kinger directly, Jax’ head snapped into his direction, pale, mismatched eyes widened in both erratic emotions and confusion, usual smile twisted into anything but joyful. And this time, the man standing opposite to him replied, having been given a moment to actually do as such.
“It’s quite strange, indeed,” Kinger softly agreed, hands shifting on his lap. “I wouldn’t call it psychotic. There’s few fitting words for such a unique situation we endure, but this isn’t one of them. You seem to have fallen so far into believing you couldn’t be anything more than this archetype that any affirmation or validation of said mindset is met with push back, though it appears more internally than anything.”
“What do you mean?”
“You seem to try and fight against the archetype you believe had been cast upon you, recognizing that you feel the way you appear — a prey animal, so there couldn’t possibly be more to you and your behavior than your archetype shaping it, correct?”
“I just don’t know who I am anymore!” Helplessness trembled inside of Jax’ voice as he came in closer, barely — a few steps at most — but it was closeness nontheless. Pointing at his chest with both hands, his eyes screamed for answers to a question he hadn’t even asked yet. “There is no sense of identity for me anymore to take a hold of, and I have no clue how the others even manage to keep theirs. Or maybe they don’t, and they’re just better at playing it off than I assumed.”
The rabbit’s shoulders dropped, as did his attitude, melting away like ice under glistening sun rays. As fragile as was his self-esteem. “I’m afraid.”
“What are you afraid of?”
“Death.” Shaking faintly, Jax drew in deep breaths released as sighs he couldn’t hold back. “I don’t want to die. I can’t die. I need…” Another instance of ruffling through his mane. “I can’t—… I feel like if I don’t play it off and just treat everything inside here like the cartoon it’s supposed to be, I’ll— vanish. I can’t stand this place, I can’t stand the people, I can’t stand myself. This worst version of me, it’s just—… who wants to be this way? Who in their right mind would ever chose to become someone like me? And yet, here I am…”
His throat closed, cutting off any words still remaining inside. Pressure inside his body made itself evidently clear, and each breath the rabbit took increased in desperation for proper air intake; chest heaving through shallow movements.
Kinger took notice, now approaching Jax — he didn’t back down this time.
“It sounds like there’s a lot of healing needed before you can approach certain topics,” the chess piece mentioned, calm as he could be, and the rabbit’s ears came up as quick as they dropped right back down, a scoff from his mouth fallen into another frown.
“I don’t deserve to heal. I can’t heal,” he spoked, trembling, breathless. Not just from fear, but anger. “I doubt there will ever be a turn in this path. It’ll… end. Simple as that. And I’m not even saying this for empathy or whatever you might think. Look at the pain I’ve caused. There is no going back. I can’t pull the humanity I pushed over the cliff back up if it’s already dead at the bottom of the damn canyon.”
“Healing isn’t a one-way street. It also means taking responsibility for the role you play in your own suffering,” Kinger interjected, not allowing Jax to fall back into his self-loathing. “You have motivation, I can see as much. You acknowledge things, even though it is still very much influenced by self-pity. But you need to put it into practice.”
“You think I have enough time left for that?” A snarky question, though tinted thoroughly by exhaustion. Jax didn’t intend to be mean, but he couldn’t quite see where Kinger was going. “You can practically see how quickly these… things spread.” A low chuckle escaped him. “If I was to defeat my demons… what else would be left of me?”
Lifting up one arm Jax brought the black patches into both of their views, and Kinger’s eyes expressed sadness; a familiar sight boiling up sorrow he’d long lived with, longer than any of the others had even remained in the Circus. Gaze lingering on the abstractions for far longer than it should’ve memories flashed his mind — spotty, washed out, but easily recognized by patterns and colors swirling throughout.
“If you do not continue walking on the path of redemption, recovery, anything — you will be left behind, inevitably.”
The rabbit sneered in response. He didn’t want to, but it came to him naturally. Like most snarky remarks. “I don’t deserve this help.”
“You do deserve it, like anyone else,” Kinger pushed back, “I won’t be giving up on anyone in here this easily.”
Jax peered at him from his side-eye. “Why do you care for me?”
“I care for everyone in the Circus. You’re in there not by choice, none of you had the foresight to know what would come after the headset. And it wouldn’t be fair to leave you hanging in times of desperation. You’re still human, Jax. And you were given a second chance.”
“Second chance?” He couldn’t believe what he’d just heard. “I’m abstracting. There is no second chance. You’d know this better than anyone, and I know it too. I’ve lost someone dear to my heart.”
“So have I. And I wasn’t able to help her,” Kinger spoke up again, voice remaining soft, and Jax looked up in surprise at his sudden shift — not in tone, but rather topic. “But I might be able to help you. Your abstraction wasn’t immediate, unlike the others I have seen come and go in this place. Whatever happened, it opened doors for you that were not there previously. Don’t close these door as you pass them by, Jax. There is still hope for you, and there is still ways to save you. Don’t lose that last bit of humanity that’s still clinging on — it will be useful. If not now, then later.”
When no reply came, he continued on: “We both know this… mask you’re assuming, it’s merely a latibule for you, something familiar; a source of comfort. It’s not the person behind it.”
The rabbit’s sinewy frame slowly moved forward and back, trying to gain any soothe from movements like these, ears faintly swaying in it’s rhythm. He felt overwhelmed, taken aback, and tears threatened with hot stings in the corners of his eyes. Hearing those words felt like punches right into his chest and midsection, and it hurt. Truth could be pain, and for him it might as well be dozens of hot knifes stabbed into his skin.
Jax’ lament demeanor caught him Kinger’s attention once more, and he tilted his head. “I see you need some time?”
A nod. “Yeah.” His voice broke, and it came out cracked. One simple word, and he couldn’t even speak this one aloud. “I do.”
“Alright then. I’ll be outside if you need me.”
With this, Kinger left — and with him, a faint glow inside of the fort seemed to vanish, too. Jax noticed, his head hanging low and eyes following the chess piece until he was gone entirely, steps fading into nothing more but background noise. Tears finally broke free from their prison, warm and salty they fell down his cheeks, landing in his hands and lap as glistening dots; small radiating lights within nothing but endless darkness.
Outside, he heard faint voices, two of them now — Kinger and Pomni, no doubt speaking about him, and he quietly sobbed into his hands, unable to retain those emotions. How could it be that there were two people that seemingly cared enough, for whatever reason it might be, to include him in their thoughts like this? Why didn’t they leave him be, to rot, alone as he’d intended it to end one day?
Why was she even here? Had she followed them? Wasn’t it enough being horrible and pushing everyone away? He hadn’t pushed hard enough with Pomni, and now he was paying the price… and she was, too. Getting attached, spending time and mental strength in order to get him some sense of comfort, possibly even recovery. And all he did was disappoint, hurt, alienate. He hadn’t even began to atone for his past actions and sins, hadn’t spoken to those around him.
Jax stepped out of the fort, bringing an aura of uncertainty and bitterness with him. The air tasted electric, and with the way his fur bristled on his neck Pomni immediately knew how he must be feeling right now — and it hurt. If not even Kinger could get to his core issues there was little hope to be had, if any at all. Exchanged glances between herself and the rabbit said as much, though for one small moment Pomni witnessed a profound sadness she hadn’t seen in a while now.
“Let’s go back.” Even her voice sounded on the verge of cracking, and her head made this little nod towards the hallway. She didn’t even bother taking her hands out of her pockets.
And he followed her, silent — a rare sight, but one Pomni got used to in these past days nontheless. Whatever Kinger had told Jax it’d done something. Anyone who managed to quiet this rabbit down must’ve used either a well executed approach to his self-destructive behavior, or made him really mad. Most likely both.
There it was again, the nausea. Always lingering in the back of his throat, not easily distinguished from the feeling of being choked from the inside out.
A cold shiver ran throughout his body, fur bristling at foreign yet familiar sensation. Jax couldn’t ignore it anymore. It’d grown too great to be anything but a nuisance, and he feared it might not end well if he didn’t get there soon.
Desperate, he tried to downplay his internal turmoil, instead directing his attention towards Pomni; looking right at her from tired eyes. “You mind if I use the… bathroom?”
“Huh?” Confused — rightfully so — Pomni blinked upwards, meeting his face. “What for?”
Making up a lie on the spot came easy to the rabbit, and he forced his usual, lazy smile onto his face. “One of the patches started to smell again for whatever reason.” It wasn’t a lie — entirely. But it also wasn’t the truth. Jax couldn’t think of any better reason to give her, his mind nothing but static noise and shrill sounds deafening most of what he heard. Even Pomni’s voice got drowned out by the minute, making it hard to decipher her words.
“It’ll take like five minutes,” Jax rushed to add onto his explanation, even though it didn’t appear as if the Jester would’ve needed more reasons to go with him. She quickly picked up on his odd, nervous behavior, though assumed it was due the patches again, knowing how nervous their existence made him.
“Alright, I’ll get you there.” Despite her confusion her voice sounded warm; calm and accommodating, and it eased his rising anxiety quite well.
Replying with a breathed: “Thanks”, Jax let his smile falter the second Pomni’s gaze left his face, frown replacing it swiftly.
Their walk to the bathroom already felt familiar — but anything else than calm or comforting. Jax welcomed the fact that no one was around at the time, not knowing how he or his body would even react if they were to stumble upon one of the others. There were no shared words between them, though not out of malice. Talking felt too much to bear right now, as if everything was to spew out the second the rabbit dared to open his mouth.
Somewhere on his backside, he felt a certain tightness underneath his skin, like hands grabbing onto his fur and pulling it backwards. No explanation came from the depths of his mind, though it felt eerily similar to the static fuzz in his black, abstracted patches still sprawling over his skin like they’d never done anything else in their miserable existence.
He couldn’t bear looking at them, not in mirrors, not when he stared down onto his body. It didn’t even feel like his body anymore, like it’d been taken over by an imposter possessing his voice, his jokes, his demeanor — but it was not him controlling any of the actions done.
Bathroom door in sight, everything inside of Jax tensed up at once. Pomni wasn’t even able to say anything before the rabbit’s steps increased in speed, almost to the point of running.
“I’ll be right back,” he squeezed out, voice barely above a whisper from how desperately he was fighting back against the nausea.
Pomni didn’t even get the chance to reply to him, and she sighed deeply. Something was off, she knew it without Jax even saying it outright. Crossing her arms the Jester leaned against the doorframe, a tight feeling inside her chest. This wasn’t right. She felt like a probation officer dedicated to keeping a criminal out of trouble, having to overlook their every step and distance walked — with the exception that this ‘criminal’ was merely a man uncertain of his own future and fate; as if she knew any better about any of these concepts.
Just seconds after the words had come out of his mouth Jax entered the room, slamming the door shut behind him. Staggering towards the tub he send a silent thanks heavenward that they even had something akin to a bathroom right now. He feared what was about to happen.
Jax steadied his panicked breathing, though to little avail. Saliva coated the insides of his mouth and when he moved his tongue, his throat suddenly rose — just like the bile build-up. Jax coughed, hand pressed against his mouth in desperation to keep it back. He’d expected something like this to happen considering his nausea rolling in, though now being faced with it he didn’t want to go through with it. He couldn’t.
No. No, No, No, No — not now, this can’t be, why?!
His chest heaved, and with one clean motion forward the black liquid simply came from his throat, splashing into the tub with ferocity; heavy, viscious matter slowly spreading and covering any white caulk underneath. Jax’ shoulders shook, hands clamping onto the tub’s edge with dear life until he felt the second wave approach. Sweat ran down his entire body, all the while he was shivering utterly pathetically, sobbing underneath desperate breaths sucked in whenever he could without choking.
Vomiting had never felt pleasant, though he’d never thrown up black sludge before in his life; which burned through his windpipe, his throat, his mouth; liquid, dark lava. How sad he must be looking in his current state, crying, tears wetting his face while vomit was still clinging to not just his chin, but also neck and chest fur, threatening to reach his clothes.
And of all else, he felt regret. Burning sorrow and regret eating itself through his body. This most likely… was exactly what Ribbit had felt when she was abstracting, and she’d been alone — she had no one around to help. He was supposed to have been what Pomni was to him, and what had he done?
Left her. Turned on his heel and walked out. No amount of panic, anxiety and dread could’ve excused his behavior, and Jax knew it.
Panic arose paired with devastation as he tore away not just his gloves, but also most of his clothes, watching the darkness spread in real time — growing, engulfing both of his hands, climbing upwards onto his shoulders.
It’s going too fast— it shouldn’t be this high up already, it’s only been a day and a half—
Another wave hit him and the rabbit found himself above the tub again, heaving and retching through the bile spilling out; now filling the bottom of the tub, sending it’s smell of death right throughout the bathroom. Desperate he turned on the water, watching it rinse away part of the black liquid, allowing for white spots to shine through once more, gentle noises filling dreadful silence only occasionally interrupted by his retching.
“Jax?”
Pomni’s voice came through the door and had his ears perk up. Jax’ head snapped her direction, vomit still trickling down his mouth. What a pathetic display he showed. Nothing he’d wanted Pomni to see, not now. Not ever. Weakness he wasn’t willing to admit, though deep inside he knew exactly that he needed to take her outstretched hand and accept, as hard as it was for him.
“Don’t come in,” he managed to croak out — going against what he’d just told himself in his head; voice hoarse and abused from all these minutes spent puking his insides out. “I’ll be out in a minute, don’t worry.”
If he could see her face he’d knew she wasn’t satisfied with his explanation, and within seconds the door swung right open, allowing the Jester a sight she didn’t quite expect.
She could’ve thought about anything truly, but not that.
“Oh my god,” escaped Pomni’s mouth before she could control herself, closing the door and ushering to his side. “How long have you been—…”
“Since we came here,” Jax admitted, “and looks like it’s not gonna stop anytime soon.”
Marking his words was his body’s willingness to prove just that, as he gagged another time.
“F[ ]ck.” Pomni muttered underneath her breath, teeth bared in frustration as she hissed through them. “How are the marks looking?”
“Not good,” he weakly replied, lifting his arm on the tub’s edge, snarling his teeth as pain hit him like a fist to the midsection. “It’s spreading.”
Devastation settled onto the Jester’s face without delay. She looked distraught, utterly so, eyes widening.
“I thought we’d have more time,” she murmured, hands gesturing before being pulled back into reality by Jax’ retching sounds. “Sorry. Lemme get some clean towels or whatever we’ve got in here.”
“Maybe a second tub, no clue how long this one’s going to hold up,” he weakly joked, and rejoiced in heaving again. “If someone had told me abstraction came with spewing your guts out I would’ve never had that nervous breakdown.”
She couldn’t laugh. She couldn’t even smile, either. Her eyes met his sickly frame with sadness, and she pressed her lips together tightly. Of course it would be Jax making jokes about abstraction, which seemed to crawl closer with each passing hour. Not day — hour. Pomni truly had hoped for more time, considering they couldn’t involve Caine in this matter and she had to rely on Kinger’s lucid night time hours.
Then, it came to her.
Kinger. It’s still night. I can bring him here.
Heart pounding in her chest she quickly grabbed whatever towels she found in the corner’s wardrobe, tossing them onto the chair next to Jax. He didn’t even take notice, still occupied with vomiting.
“I’ll go get Kinger,” Pomni remarked, voice barely hanging onto a twinge of hope. “Be right back.” She got to her feet in a speed she would’ve never assumed otherwise, breaking into a sprint towards the door. Her hands ought to do something, itching to provide any type of help, really — and given Kinger was their best option to achieve actual results, she wasted no time in getting to him.
Jax didn’t give her any verbal acknowledgment, but a weak nod, followed by a thumb’s up he immediately dropped again in favor of his body’s next incoming wave. At least there was a possibility of help. Standing by and simply watching on while Jax was struggling didn’t feel right, and no matter how much Pomni silenced that little voice telling her that he deserved it, she felt a different way.
No human ever deserved this fate, no matter what they’d done to land themselves in this position. Abstraction wasn’t just that — punishment, it was more. A complex spiral and webs spun by an entity none of them might ever truly understand. Well, with one exception, though she wasn’t entirely sure if this theory of hers could hold it’s own when spoken aloud.
Kinger had shown way too much knowledge of Caine and the Circus for this to be a coincidence, and whenever all of this was over — one way or another — she’d confront him about it. Or, well, politely ask. And hopefully get an answer to these questions roaming free inside her head.
The fort was found as quickly as it stood conveniently in the middle of the main area. Pomni didn’t even bother announcing herself as she climbed inside, earning herself a startled yelp from the chess piece inside. Reading glasses equipped and leaned over a book Kinger threw her a confused glance which got met with panicked eyes, quickly getting up from his couch at the sight of her distraught display.
“Pomni!” He exclaimed, and she almost sighed in relief at hearing him quite lucid — and alarmed. “Is everything alright?”
“No. I’d say everything is quite bad,” she wheezed, catching her breath. Running with these short legs of hers had never been pleasant. “It’s about Jax. No clue what’s up but he’s throwing up this black liquid and the marks spread.”
Kinger didn’t need any more explanation that this one, and his expression — as well as his answer — said everything the Jester needed to know. “Oh no.” Even his voice sounded dreading, foreboding almost. He knew exactly what was going on, and it concerned him enough to appear startled by Pomni’s explanation of events.
“Yeah that’s what I thought,” Pomni breathed, taking notice of his reaction, “can you help him?”
“I think I might have something. Wait outside. I’ll be right there.”
She would’ve loved to simply storm after the chess piece, her feet restless, hands gesturing even though she was left alone by herself. Moments passed and feeling like hours, and Pomni almost stormed into the fort, holding herself back just barely. Such sense of urgency hurt, made it hard to breathe, made it hard to acknowledge.
Hearing Kinger’s voice approach felt like she was ready to faint from relief. “I’m here!”
She grasped her shirt, sighing. “Thank f[ ]ck,” she uttered, ignoring the quick glance he threw her. “I’ll bring you to him. He’s in the… bathroom.”
“At least he’s somewhere where it won’t be a hassle to clean up,” Kinger spoke, and despite his try to cheer her up neither of them could truly appreciate the light-hearted remark. Too much stood on the line, and they both knew it, even though Kinger’s knowledge ran deeper and more personal.
“I feel like it’s partially my fault,” Pomni admitted through tight lips, her eyes seeking for somewhere to latch her attention onto. She felt horrible. “I brought up the idea that you’d talk to him, and it seems like whatever was spoken about triggered the entire breakdown. He’s already pretty unstable.”
“It’s not your fault, Pomni.” Kinger’s face was understanding, but stern in his message; words gentle yet strong. “Your intentions were good. There is nothing to feel bad about.”
“I know. It’s just… I don’t know.” She sighed, playing with her bracelets as they both walked back to the bathroom, their pace quite quick, and the Jester’s even appearing stressed — as did her entire demeanor. “Can I tell you about it later?”
“Surely.” He nodded. “You know where to find me.”
She couldn’t help but smile faintly, despite the urgency of the situation. How good it felt having someone she could approach, who offered this support instead of having to assume they’re simply going along to be polite. No. With Kinger, it felt… different. In a good way.
Pushing the door open she let Kinger in before entering herself, making sure to close it behind them so no one else — if anyone was to even come by at all — would be seeing them in the bathroom.
“I’m back,” Pomni exclaimed, worryingly looking over towards the rabbit still sitting by the tub. “And I brought Kinger.”
“Huh?” Confused, Jax lifted his head over the tub and stared at them ushering closer, their frames blurry in his fading sight. He’d been throwing up enough to already feel dizzy and disconnected from his senses, all his body managed to do was clinging onto the tub like his life depended on it.
Why is he here again? Oh right. Pomni mentioned getting him.
He could barely form this thought before his head disappeared again, shoulders shaking. Kinger’s sigh came internally — knowing exactly how the rabbit must think of him, though he paid little mind to it right now. There were more important matters to take care of for him, and they took priority over trying to talk sense into the young man.
“I can’t revert this step, but I can at least help to ease it,” Kinger spoke, hands gently folding over one another. “Until I can figure out a code that’ll be able to latch onto the broken lines in the file, this is all I can offer.”
Between his fingers, a golden butterfly appeared, surrounded by soft light and sparkles, it’s wings fluttering with gently flaps. Both Pomni and Jax stared at it in utter confusion and perplexity, until the rabbit turned back the tub, shoulders shaking — the Jester noticed the pitiful glance inside of Kinger’s eyes as he releases the little thing towards them; golden, glowing wings fluttering silently, disappearing the second it touched Jax’ fur.
A cold, foreign sensation ran throughout his body, fur bristling in response as it tried to warm him back up — to no avail. Though this didn’t last long, leaving as soon as it came to him, and with a swift motion Jax tensed up, head turning around with widened eyes facing Kinger, uncertain what’d just happened.
“What did you just do?” He asked, exhausted, croaky voice full of questions. “What was that?”
“A butterfly I made,” Kinger explained, relief washing over both him and Pomni as Jax looked around the room bewildered. “A little help.”
Uncertain if the butterfly had achieved it’s goal with Jax, Pomni watched him slowly lift himself up and groan quietly — gagging noises subsided, he didn’t shake as much as before.
“You feeling better?” She tentatively asked, stepping closer and leaning down to catch a better look of his pale, but relieved face.
“I… don’t feel nauseous anymore,” Jax admitted, blinking slowly before his eyes wandered down to his arms and the patches; dread returning within the snap of a finger as he realized they’d stayed. Not like he expected anything else, though a small whisper of hope had manifested itself in his mind — only to be disappointed.
He sighed before briefly turning his attention towards Kinger, lips twitching above sharp teeth and taking a second with whatever he wanted to say. “Thanks.”
“You’re welcome. I wish I could do more right now, but you’ll have to wait until I’m ready I fear.” The chess piece got up again, eyes switching between Pomni and Jax. “It’ll take a few more nights, though I’m confident there might be a way to, well, patch these pesky things.”
He nodded towards the dark spots lining Jax’ limbs, and the rabbit turned his head to the side, expression filled with frustration.
How much he hated his current status, with all of his might. Tiptoeing the line between sanity and his made-up persona which cracked open with each passing day now, never able to fully repair it now matter how hard he’d tried. Maybe it was time to let go of it, though he didn’t know what might happen then. Would it even help his condition or not?
Vulnerability wasn’t exactly a fine trait in a world like this, leading to nothing more but ridicule, hurt and exposure Jax simply wasn’t willing to grant onto himself, knowing how much advantage certain people would take if this was ever to be the case — and he couldn’t blame them at all. He’d been worse enough for others to consider using any openness on his end for their own revenge; frankly he would’ve done the same if the tables were turned.
“Jax?”
Pomni’s questioning voice pulled him from these spiraling thoughts, and he blinked towards her direction. Kinger had left the room, giving them space between themselves.
Jax took a moment to find his voice again. “Hm?”
“You wanna rinse off? I can help if you like.”
“Sure, that’d be— yeah.” He still tasted the bile on his tongue, and if it wasn’t for Kinger’s butterfly he would’ve simply thrown up again simply by that odd, sticky sensation coating the insides of his mouth. “God, my throat hurts.”
“I’m not surprised,” Pomni commented, face showing a worrying expression. “I heard you on the outside and wondered what even happened.”
“And here I was thinking being drunk off my a[ ]s as a human felt bad,” the rabbit jested, stepping into the tub the second it’d been freed from any residue. “I’m so glad we don’t have alcohol in here.”
“I fear if we had there would be so much more chaos going on,” Pomni snickered, untying the shower head from it’s position. They hadn’t used it before, and frankly she hadn’t even noticed it to begin with, though it came in handy right now. “Can you imagine any of us drunk? I’ve never had much alcohol in my life.”
“Ah, a light weight?”
“Not exactly— well, yeah.” She clicked her tongue, sounding almost disappointed that Jax had clocked her immediately. A tittering, almost nervous laugh followed. “I only ever had one situation where I drank so much I basically blacked out. And I never did it again. The most I drank since then was that one cocktail in Zooble’s adventure.”
“I wouldn’t have minded getting a drink with ya if we ever escape this place.”
Caught off guard, Pomni froze for just a second, shower head still in hand. Then, a soft smile cast upon her face, and she turned on the water. “I’d like that.”
“Just us two in a dingy bar. Like Zooble’s adventure — which was… alright. Don’t tell them I said that,” he threateningly pointed at Pomni, “that’d be cool. Especially considering you like old buildings, so why not?”
“Abandoned buildings is more fitting,” she laughed, testing the water’s temperature on her own arm for a moment, adjusting the handle until it was finally lukewarm and didn’t sting. She imagined his skin and fur to be quite sensitive, especially now. “But I wouldn’t say No to an old, dingy bar too. Especially if the company’s right.”
“Would you say I’m the right company?” Jax dared to ask, and felt water rinse over his shoulders as Pomni moved forward. Turning his head her way, he could meet her eyes for a second before she continued onward, gaze concentrated on his back.
“Maybe,” she spoke, though with jest in her voice, “if you’re nice to me sure. But if you’re a jerk then I’d have to beat you up again.”
“Well, maybe I will be so you’ll do exactly that.” Leaning his elbow on the tub’s edge and cradling his face in his hand, he raised her eyebrows. “The beating me up part, I mean.”
A slight shake of her head came from the Jester, and she briefly used some of the water to spritz his face. “You’re insufferable. I should get a spray bottle so I can discipline you. But you’d most likely find a way to make that one freaky, too.”
The glance he threw her seemed entirely out of character for him, and it caught Pomni off guard. Soft, subtle, almost… endearing. Like he was calling something out with his look that they both knew and shared, but he’d never put it into words themselves.
“You know me too well,” Jax finally responded verbally, a chuckle hidden underneath his reply. “Ah, chucks.”
“I do. And don’t you dare crashing out on me again for realizing that.”
“I’ll try not to crash out.” It wouldn’t be until later that Jax came to regret those words spoken in this moment, and Pomni didn’t seem to notice anything either. How could she? It wasn’t her mind spiraling slowly — but surely.
“You better do.” She gave him another gentle shower with warm water. “I don’t want to risk anything.”
Nodding towards the marks, Pomni tried her best to face them. Whenever her gaze just so much did as brush over them she felt a cold shiver down her spine. And somehow, sometimes — she questioned herself if this could’ve been her if she hadn’t had approached Ragatha over the matter, told her what happened instead of bottling it up and pushing everyone away. Like Jax had done.
“Yeah— me neither,” he agreed.
“At least it’s better for now. We can just enjoy the rest of the night. It’s been quite stressful.” Pomni took quick notice of the smile, unable to respond to it herself. When she’d finished she turned the water off, tossing him a towel. “Your clothes?”
“They’re dirty,” Jax explained, dragging the towel over himself to dry off. “I’ll just use the towel and get new ones in my room. Better than nothing.”
“Sounds like a plan.” She extended her hand, helping him out of the tub, face still filled with confusion and worry hidden underneath a paper-thin mask of play-pretend calmness.
Kinger had been gone by the time they exited the bathroom. Throwing around a rather disappointed look, Pomni sighed. She would’ve liked to thank him for the help, though this could wait until next night. There’d always be another night.
Walking back in silence, Pomni threw him a side-eyed glance from time to time, though Jax himself remained quieter than ever, posture slouching forward with each step. By the time they’d reached the hallway he looked worse than ever, low hanging ears casting shadows across his face which were only disrupted by the ever-present glow of his abstracted eye peeking through.
Pomni felt uneasy whenever she looked directly at it, the spirals faintly moving around themselves; it reminded her of her first day in the Circus, being chased around by an abstracted Kaufmo and barely so escaping through the Exit before she could be glitched out — or killed. Deep inside she dreaded having to go through the same with Jax, if it was to ever come this point of him fully abstracting. It’d mean loss, and she wasn’t ready for these possibilities yet.
She’d barely opened the door when Jax pushed himself through the frame into the room, breathing heavily through gritted teeth. He felt awful, entire body shaking from exhaustion and changes in temperatures, especially now that he’d been wearing nothing but the damn towel from earlier. Time to get into some clothes.
Distracted from both his thoughts and the darkness, Jax managed to stumble over some of the blankets on the floor Pomni had been using. Slamming his knee into the desk’s leg, he hissed in pain, causing Pomni to shoot him a look of concern.
“Everything okay?”
“Yeah, I just fell over something and hit my leg. I could use a lamp on here,” the rabbit grumbled, a quiet sniffling noise coming from him as he gave it his best not to curse over his hurt knee. “A desk lamp or whatever. Something that’s not too bright—…”
“I could get something from my room. I think I have a small lamp in there I never used,” Pomni replied, getting up from the bed. “Let me grab it. I’ll be right back”
There was barely any time answering her before the Jester’s small frame had ushered itself out of the room, disappearing into the dim darkness of the hallway before Jax could form a question in return about her intentions.
Playfully rolling his eyes, he chuckled to himself, though with little joy. Something in his head started to hurt, overshadowing the stinging in his leg.
Eyes wandering over to the door Jax realized Pomni had left it wide open. A bold move, just leaving the door open and running out — risking someone walking in, or worse, him just walking out and doing god knows what.
She’s trusting me too much for her own good.
He scoffed at his own thoughts, light confusion arising over them, too. Why would he assume something bad might happen if he was to step outside?
Pressure increasing, he pressed his hand further against the desk, wishing he could simply make his thoughts disappear. Gritting his teeth, he tried to look as unbothered as possible, though Jax didn’t have to do much work there. To his luck distraction would be coming quicker than he anticipated, tossing him out of the spiral before he got in there too deeply. Seconds later Pomni appeared in the open doorframe, waving something in her hand vaguely representing a sphere-shaped something and closing the door behind her with one foot.
“I found it!” Triumphantly, she held up said sphere, who’s dark blue surface had many little holes. He jerked backwards as he realized, face contorted in disgust at the sight, and Pomni immediately took notice.
“Oh— sorry. Shouldn’t have shoved it into your face like that,” she apologized, quickly scuttling out of his peripheral vision to plug the lamp in.
Confused, Jax shook his head It took him a second to recover from the sudden wash of disgust, trying his best to play it off. “It’s okay. What’s it anyways?”
“A star lamp! Look at the ceiling, it’s easier to demonstrate than explain.” The Jester carefully adjusted it on the desk before flipping on the switch, pointing heavenward for Jax’ eyes to follow.
Immediately, dozens, if not hundreds of little, light blue stars sprawled across the ceiling and walls of the room; a dim light not too aggressive on the eyes. The lamp itself rotated slowly, causing the rows of stars and constellations to move across everything in the room.
“It’s… beautiful. If you remove the many holes from the equation,” Jax admitted, sitting down on Pomni’s self-made floor bed, legs crossed. “Where did you find that?”
“My room. I never used it, so I thought it might make a great addition in here. It’s not too bright so it won’t hurt your senses, but it might offer some comfort.”
“Heh.” Corners of his mouth twitching, Jax couldn’t bring himself to admit that he agreed — it indeed felt comforting, almost… like home. His chest contracted, and he quickly grabbed his shirt’s collar. “It’s cool I guess.”
“You guess? I loved lamps like these as a kid.” Pomni grinned, eyes filled with distant nostalgia. “My mom got me one after we moved from Russia to America, and I couldn’t sleep without crying whenever they left the room.”
As much as he tried to find a response fitting, Jax couldn’t. It would either be a funny remark or honesty — memories of his own past flooding his mind and he quickly shook them off.
Sounds familiar to me.
To his luck he didn’t even have to look for an answer, as Pomni took notice of his behavior, immediately changing the topic again.
“So, you wanna get new clothes?”
“Huh?” His ears perked up and she chuckled, pointing in his direction.
“You’re still naked.”
“Talk about being forgetful,” Jax commented, stepping over her blankets to get to his wardrobe. “My mind’s everywhere today.”
Even just dressing himself felt incredibly demanding, muscles aching after each movement. A shirt and some pants, all he needed, and still it felt like he’d just run a marathon in the desert without water below soaring sunlight.
“God I’m sore.” Jax groaned as he finished putting the clothes on, leaning against the desk as a means of stabilizing himself, legs feeling like they were about to give out, and having hit his knee didn’t exactly help. He hadn’t noticed it before, but ever since the abstraction process had started his pain reception had worsened over the past couple days, gradually wearing down. What wouldn’t have hurt in the past now felt like getting shot all of a sudden, and the aftermath lingered for way too long. An odd experience, especially after years of essentially being bulletproof and invincible.
Pomni took notice of his mind starting to wander again, and she spoke up: “Let’s just lay down for now. Maybe it’ll help with the soreness, too.”
Patting the spot directly next to her, Pomni looked up to him — an offer, and he accepted; hesitantly, though Jax sat down slowly before allowing himself to lay on his back, hands crossed on his chest.
Looking heavenward he found himself drawn in by the moving stars across the ceiling, their small patterns and slow paths, relaxing movements to be drawn into. A sigh escaped chest heavy with dread and worries, allowing for a minuscule amount of relief. At least for now.
“How are you feeling?” Pomni’s voice came from his side as she laid down next to him, and Jax let her. Despite today’s challenges there was little grudge to be held, and deep down, he admired how much she had been willing to do for him.
“Not as bad as I thought I would feel,” he admitted. “Still, could be better I guess.”
She chuckled; joyless. “Figured.”
“I just— the talk with Kinger went so completely different from what I’ve expected.” He interlaced his fingers, gently scraping over the back of his hand with one claw. “Seeing and hearing him this… serious was pretty startling.” Jax sighed. “And he wanted to take me down to the cellar.”
“What? Why?” Propping herself up with one arm, Pomni looked over with a confused look on her face. “Why the cellar? Isn’t that where Caine keeps the abstractions?”
He nodded. “Yeah. According to him he wanted to show me that place to be confronted with them… I suppose. Show me what might be waiting for me. I feel that’s a bit overkill, ya know? I already know what’s happening to me, and what will happen if I lose myself entire, no need to throw me into the lion’s cage…”
“It’s… unorthodox,” Pomni admitted. “Or he was lying to throw you off, so you open up to him. I realized that you do that a lot.”
“Do what?”
“Open up and let your real feelings and thoughts spill when you’re met with something you didn’t expect.” She shrugged. “That’s not bad, though. Sometimes you need a little shove to finally crack and say what you want to say instead of playing a role.”
“But what if I hate being vulnerable?”
“I figured as much. Yeah you do hate it, but from what I’ve seen you’re also not averse from it entirely.” Looking at him, she smiled softly. “That’s… a normal human trait. We might not like being vulnerable all the time, but sometimes we allow it — around the right people.”
Jax’ silence following her statement made her lay back down, though she scooted a bit closer, and he remained put.
“I like to think you’ve changed.” Drawing circles into the air and following faint patterns of the constellations above them, Pomni spoke her mind.
Jax turned his head towards her. “Why do you think that?”
“There’s… a lot, maybe even too much to properly explain right now,” Pomni admitted, folding her hands on her chest, eyes blinking heavenwards onto the ceiling, which was dotted in countless small, moving stars. “What struck me the most was how honest you’ve been with me in the last couple of days. Came to think of it, after the shooting adventure you were so keen on lying to me, I felt like there’d never come a time you’re actually honest. And… well, vulnerable around someone.”
“Well, yeah. There’s nothing to lose for me,” Jax mumbled. “I could tell you anything, really. How do you know I’m not lying to your face?”
“Maybe you are lying.” She shrugged. “And maybe I’m choosing to believe whatever you’re telling me, just so we both get something out of it. I can believe you’re finally honest with me, and you have someone who’s willing to actually listen to you. Seems like that’s something you’ve missed for a long time.”
He did not reply, at least not verbally. Instead, Jax lifted his head from the pillow, facing her. Noticing his movement from the corner of her eye, she didn’t bother throwing him a glance, still remaining focused on the ceiling as she continued to speak.
“You’ve burned every bridge by pushing them away, alienating them to a point where it turned into relentless bullying. From what I could piece together you were pretty close with a few of them, weren’t you?” Now it was Pomni’s turn to sit up. “Ragatha, Gangle…”
She could see him grit his teeth, ears pinned back. With one swift motion he turned around, shoulders shaking with labored breaths. Shot right into his heart, those words of hers, and of course Pomni knew she’d hit the jackpot. How deep though, that was kept from her mind for now. It hadn’t been her intention to push him, but she had to try to get through to him regarding this topic. And maybe she could learn something about him, too.
“Why did you push them away? Did you fear losing them, too?”
“No.” His voice sounded dry, forced out of his throat. “I didn’t fear it back then. I pushed them away before any of those I knew even abstracted. Before anyone in this Circus abstracted during my time.”
“Why?”
Because I’m afraid. That’s why. I’ve never been good with loss.
He couldn’t bring himself to speak it aloud. No matter how much Jax tried, his throat constricted, threatening to suffocate him on the spot. One hand raised without thinking about it he found his fingers gently touching his neck, and a shiver ran down his entire body.
“Why not?” Turning back around he came to his feet, arms spread. He appeared almost as playful as back during their archetype dialog — just missing the gun and any jest in his grin, which hung onto a tragic display of theatrics Pomni saw straight through. Like a wall made from fog there wasn’t enough to hide what laid beneath it. “Nothing inside of here matters at all, not any of the others, not myself, not even this abstraction process. I doubt Kinger would even get to a point to ‘help’.” He drew quotation marks into the air with his fingers. “Pushing them away only helps saving tears. So why would I care about that, anyways?”
Clenching his jaws together, Jax tried his outmost best to remain silent, wild look in his eyes facing Pomni. Indeed she had broken through to him — and he’d given her an honest taste of his inner feelings; hurt, fear, despair with a hint of apathy towards his own condition. An apathy almost expected of someone knowing they might be on the edge of potential death any day now. Maybe not even any day, and being in the dark increased such negative feelings tenfold. She knew — she’d been at a similar point in life once.
Pomni nodded towards the bed, and to her surprise, Jax actually sat back down. Legs appearing like they were giving out underneath him he fell onto his knees, empty eyes staring forward before meeting Pomni’s again, which is where her worry suddenly re-emerged inside her chest. Gone was the pretend-play of wittiness and desperate, forced attempt at re-igniting his old archetype with similar words, replaced by dread and sorrow, deeply rooted within his mind.
“I’m sorry,” Jax spoke quickly, voice trembling and coming in clusters followed by troubled breaths inbetween, eyes ushering about with confused glances that never quite lingered anywhere. His hands gestured, helplessly, almost questioningly. “I— that wasn’t—. I have no idea what just came over me. It just… came out without my doing.”
Each attempted sentence of his broke off, voice cracking and expelling nothing more but quiet breaths when his mouth stood open. Jax appeared confused, and he looked around, almost as if he was suspecting someone to be in the room with them.
“I shouldn’t be talking like that, I know,” he murmured, voice almost too low to be understood. “Today’s been one hell of a ride, and… I feel hopeless. I really do. The marks have spread and it feels like they still do with each passing minute.”
His desperate demeanor, sounding like he was giving up — such sudden shift in behavior fueled suspicion in Pomni, and she leaned forward. Her brows furrowed, shadows cast over her eyes which tried to make out anything in the dim lighting of their room.
“Let me see,” she spoke, intentions being to soothe his worries by checking on the marks, and was met with confused glances tossed her way as she extended her hand. “Don’t worry. I’m not gonna hurt you if that’s what you fear.”
He did not object, and she gently put her hand underneath his chin, tilting his head to one side and then the other, leery eyes searching until she found what had been on her mind. Dark abstraction patches sprawling out from his shoulder and engulfing almost the entire backside of his head, slowly creeping onto his left ear and threatening to join with that one dark patch around his abstracted eye.
“Interesting,” Pomni spoke, scooting closer. “That’s… weird.”
“What’s weird. What are you talking about?” Jax shook his head, pushing her hand aside — and she did not attempt touching him again.
“The patches have spread on your backside. They’re on your head now.”
It took him a few seconds, but when realization hit Pomni almost regretted having told him about them. Jax sprung to his feet in utter panic, searching through the dimly lit room for any reflective surface, one hand pressed against his head like he was feeling for the rough texture of the patches.
“No,” he gasped, fingers feeling the wiry fur underneath, “oh god no, please, tell me you’ve lied. Tell me you’ve made a joke, you’re pranking me, whatever—…”
“I’m not making a joke,” Pomni replied, almost choking on her own voice as realization settled in. “They’ve spread.”
“No.” Such simple word, spoken with such vigor. “No, they can’t have spread this far in such little time, I thought Kinger’s weird butterfly thingy had helped—… why didn’t it help?! They were barely on my shoulders in the bathroom!”
Jax’ head snapped back towards Pomni, teeth bared like a wild animal, ears pinned back. He appeared furious, though desperation fought to make itself known. And she couldn’t blame him at all. Deeply hidden in his eyes was a craving for answers, those which she couldn’t give him at all.
“It’s not a cure,” she gently replied, hands tentatively reaching out for the rabbit, offering touch first despite her own aversion towards it. With him, it had felt different. “It was merely there to stop you from throwing up. He can’t… cure abstractions, I fear. Not yet. Or if at all. But he’s here to help us.”
He did not take her hands, though they remained outstretched and extended towards him. Jax threw them subtle glances, his arm twitching — like he was desperate to grab them, but unable to bring himself to such gestures he remained still. Thoughts raced through his head, freezing him in place. Hopelessness.
Probably the perfect, singular word to describe how he’d been feeling these past few days, and today was no exception. It felt ever stronger, ever more present than any other past instance of it’s existence; and Jax hated acknowledging it. Like dread, it burrowed itself into his chest, leaving no space to breathe properly anymore, having him gasp for air like a drowning man.
“I’d like to be alone tonight,” he suddenly spoke, voice dull as he met Pomni’s eyes. “Please.”
His request came to her surprise, and hurt — even though the Jester would’ve never admitted the latter. Her eyes fell, and she nodded in silent agreement.
“We can arrange that,” she spoke. “Just for… tonight?”
“Just for tonight,” Jax spoke, voice lax, coated in nothing but pretending and an urge to seem like everything was okay, when deep down — he knew it wasn’t. He was falling apart ever quicker, and the breakdown at the Award’s show seemed so minuscule, almost unimportant in comparison. “You can leave the stuff you don’t need in here.”
He watched a confused expression grow on Pomni’s face, and she gestured towards the door. “You do know I have to lock you in here and if you need to leave—…”
“I know.” Jax interrupted her swiftly, looking almost apologetic while doing so. “I just need some time alone right now.”
Deep down, Pomni’s inner voice told her to protest his decision, knowing it might not end well. He’d been doing so much worse all of a sudden, starting with his weird behavior, the whole puking episode and talk of hopelessness. Could this be a sign of the abstraction taking place? And if so, should she truly leave him alone? What if he abstracted tonight? So many questions, and yet she knew he’d never let her stay if he was already this dead set on kicking her out for the night.
“Alright,” she obliged, grabbing her blanket and the key from the necklace, playing with it in her hands for a few more seconds, wanting to elongate the moment before sighing. “I’ll come back in the morning, is that okay with you?”
He itched for her to leave, almost growling when Pomni raised her voice for another question again. Keeping up his patience and not explode on her right then and there felt like a Heracles task, heart pounding incredibly loud, almost deafening him with it’s echo.
Gritting his teeth with his head turned away, he nodded. “Yeah. That’s okay.”
Jax didn’t want her to see his aggravated response, feeling horrible for even experiencing it right now. Something deep inside of him, this primal, almost feral side itched, and it felt awful.
“I’ll see you in the morning then.” A small wave was all Pomni gave him before the door closed, key turning and locking it audibly. Almost like she knew there wasn’t much left before he lost it, uncertain if she really wanted to stay if he was this close to breaking.
As her steps faded into the hallway’s distance, Jax finally let out what he’d been holding in — that wild snarl and a growl suppressed inside of his throat. He felt burning hot again, such stark contrast to the shivering from earlier days, and furiously clawing at his shirt he freed himself from the clothes once more. He couldn’t go on like this.
Even if Kinger found a cure this very night that reversed everything, there was no point for Jax’ data or humanity to linger in this cursed place. He had enough, and having gone full circle tonight sealed the deal for him. It seemed like his archetype and all those years of pretending and convincing himself that there truly was nothing more to him than this ‘funny guy’ perspective had done it’s work — and the abstraction had him feel every ounce of guilt and responsibility Jax had been avoiding like the plague over the last couple of years.
He’d done so well, had almost reached out to his humanity still dangling from the cliff’s edge, pulling it up by himself — though the rabbit knew that years of pushing something down would never be resolved in mere days, imminent abstraction or not. Who even knew what laid behind abstraction? Death or freedom? Did abstracted people simply leave this place, never to return? Could get go on with their human life?
Neither option seemed desirable in his eyes. Returning back into his life after years of the circus, after years of being the worst version of himself and repressing others? How could he live with a guilt heavier than anything he’d ever done before appearing in here — and why should he? It’d be better for this world if he was to disappear, whether it be down in the cellar or—
Out of the corner of his eyes, Jax noticed an odd shape underneath the sheets Pomni had left.
Her gun. She’d forgotten the gun.
His lips and fingers twitched at the sight of it, pinpoint pupils staring it down like it held all the answers he desperately searched for. Every movement seemed automated, fingers slowly wrapping around the handle and weighting it in his hand. He didn’t even notice he’d picked it up until his mind caught up to his actions, and the gun almost slipped from his palm, sweat glistening on it’s surface.
What am I doing.
Is this truly the solution I’m looking for? It can't even kill me.
But it could jumpstart the abstraction, getting me out of here. One way or another. The End.
Heaving labored breaths, Jax slowly lifted it up. It didn’t feel any different than from their adventure. Maybe it was one of the guns Caine had gave to them, and he’d simply forgotten to snap this one out of existence. He stared it down, like it could provide any reasonable answer to him; a mind so torn and devastated it began devouring itself, re-starting behavior and thought processes he’d almost forgotten over the past couple of days in Pomni’s proximity.
Pomni.
She wasn’t here anymore. Morning was still many hours away, no many how many hours they’d spent in that bathroom, no matter how many hours they’d spent talking afterwards, staring at a ceiling sprinkled in artificial stars.
Were those even hours to begin with? Their talk had felt like mere minutes, maybe it’d even been just seconds. Who knew. Not him, certainly.
His sense of time had been messed with a long time ago, way before the abstraction process had even started. There was no real time in the Circus, like everything else it was simple play pretend, a concept Caine had set in motion for them. For the humans. Time was as fake as the scenarios, as the people— as him.
Minutes could’ve been hours, the spiral inside of his head ever turning, never ending — seemingly. He’d lost himself too far in it to see either exit, above or below, there was nothing he could grasp onto to help himself out of it on his own.
You’re nothing. You never were, and you never will be. There’s a world out there better for everyone, and it’s the one where you do not exist.
Never have existed in the first place. Everything’s going to be okay if you simple cease.
Maybe this could be your exit to take.
His heart pounded with each quick rising of his ribcage, familiar grin sprawling across a spiraling face, tears wetting pale, lilac fur once more. The gun’s barrel felt cold against the boiling heat that fired from underneath his skin, soft pressure parting short fur on his jaw. He could feel it’s movement against the underside of his tongue.
Everything seemed to crumble, seemed too much. Kinger’s words, Pomni’s words, sensations of his body giving out from the inside; rotting away, leaving him with nothing but the smell of death and weakness crawling throughout his veins agonizingly slow, wanting him to suffer all the way through this process of decay — until he was to lose himself, become nothing more than his avatar. An animal. Mindless, grueling, willing to attack everyone he ever loved.
Gun lowering, he pressed a hand against his head, baring sharp teeth through a snarl so viscious it became audible through air exhaled harshly. Jax couldn’t think straight, every thought coiled in on itself like a rabid snake biting it’s own tail. No escape, no exit. If he could chose to lose himself right then and there, lose himself to abstraction — he’d chose it.
And yet, he was held back. Invisible hands gently wrapping around his body and pulling him out of black sludge threatening to drown him slowly, and they held him up steadily.
Her hands. He knew the texture of them better than anyone else’s. He did not know why, though it’d felt like hands were pushing down the gun from it’s previous position on his head, and Jax stared it down as it lazily lingered in his palm, pointing downwards onto his legs and hips.
God that’s pathetic even for you. The easy way out? Just like that?
That’s even worse than abstracting on the spot.
You’re going crazy, just like the others.
Just like… her.
Jax hadn’t even noticed how much he was shaking, body tensed up through muscles that never quite relaxed like they should be. His hand still wrapped around the gun’s handle it’s barrel now pointed downwards onto his lower body, though he was too occupied keeping his mind busy and distracted. Intrusive thoughts running laps inside of it, threatening to take over any self-control he still possessed in this corrupted state. Almost as if he could feel his file decompose in real time.
Is this how Ribbit had felt like?
Hopeless to a point where she’d rather shoot herself and try to die even though she knew there was no point?
That it would only bring sadness and grief?
I’m… not her. She was still human until the end.
The trigger clicked underneath a trembling finger, and with it came an explosion.
At least it sounded and felt like an explosion to him, as the bullet inside went off, smoke and gunpowder immediately dispersing all around the room with biting stench filling the air.
In the hallway, it’s echo screamed louder than ever, and startled everyone awake.
"Afterhours Adventure" - not directly related to this AU, and moreso a funnybunny artwork set after the bar adventure. I just love drawing people in fancy clothes with a cigarette in their hand. :]
And after writing a ton of hurt/no comfort I need something fluffy.
Speaking about people in fancy clothing, more Pomni in a suit & Jax being a dork in her presence. I love these two so much you won't believe it.
Chapter 9: The Taste Of Gunpowder
Summary:
Suddenly startled awake, almost everyone in the Circus is scrambling for answers on it's origins - one especially, and she's not gonna waste any second. Returning to Jax' room in the aftermath of hearing a gun go off wasn't going to go by without consequences.
Ragatha brings herself to offer Pomni some comfort in trying times.
Notes:
!! Content Warning !!
Injuries, Blood, care for said injuries and a lot of digging in bullet wounds.Welcome back, my home-baked crispy tomato baguettes, and the chapter with... well... a lot of hurt and some comfort?? :'D
As always, art at the end, though this time it's moreso some light, funny doodles to remove some of the edge! Have fun reading, and I appreciate all of your positive feedback left on the previous chapter!
Chapter Text
Feels like we had matching wounds
But mine's still black and bruised
And yours is perfectly fine now
Feels like we buried alive
Something that never died
So, God, it hurt when I found out
I left the gun in his room.
Pomni was the first crashing through her door, pushing it open just barely to avoid structural damage. Her chest heaved and ached with both guilt and utter fear; dread running ice-cold throughout her veins — she had no choice, reaching Jax’ door faster than anyone else finding themselves in the hallway, confused and concerned glances thrown everywhere.
It wasn’t until Ragatha noticed the Jester fiddling with the lock that she hurried over, hands holding onto her skirt. She had no idea where that sound had even come from, though witnessing Pomni gave her a clue to follow.
“Pomni!” She called out, but getting no reaction from the agitated woman. “Pomni, what’s going on? There was a gunshot!”
“I know, I’m not deaf!” Pomni almost snarled in retaliation at Ragatha’s obvious comment, though she felt bad immediately after. There simply was no time for politeness, and her sweaty fingers almost dropped the key onto the floor. She was this close punching a hole through the door for simplicity’s sake. “F[ ]CK!”
Pomni bared sharp teeth, her other senses finally picking up. Hearing the others surround her, their muttered words, quiet and hushed voices chattering about. It felt like being bombarded by dozens of noises all simultaneously, whispers spoken directly into her ear, and Pomni would’ve loved to yell at everyone to shut the fuck up — though she refrained, keeping herself under control. For now.
Concerned, Ragatha leaned forward, her shadow falling right over Pomni’s hands fiddling with the lock. “Can I help you?”
Pomni's hand almost slipped up, and she breathed a sigh so aggressive it sounded like a snort. “Ragatha, I’ll be so real with you right now, I’m this close to crashing out. Just— let me unlock the door, alright? We can talk later, just… not now.”
With that, the ragdoll took a few steps back, hesitant nod moving her red locks, allowing Pomni to finally concentrate solely on unlocking the door, key shaking between fingers fueled by adrenaline, anger and anxiety. Somewhere in the background Zooble gently guided Ragatha further away, quickly taking onto the situation and realizing the room Pomni needed right now. Their voice was gently, but low. Gangle was nowhere to be seen, quickly ushered back into her room before she could even comprehend the panic that’d gone down in the hallway.
Of course she knew there was a reason, and it was most likely fueled by Zooble’s lack of concern for Jax — and the concern they held for the other’s wellbeing. In the back of her mind Pomni made a note to thank them for getting everyone out of the way, assessing the situation far calmer and with more patience than the Jester could ever bring up right now. This damned rabbit had brought nothing but trouble, and she hated even thinking about him in that way.
As soon as the lock’s clicking noise made itself known to her she kicked the door open, rushing in with speeds she’d never assumed to be capable of. There was little sight to behold, for it was still quite dark, though the star lamp offered some luminosity to make out a slumped body on the floor. Her heart felt as if it’d been grabbed by a hand, squeezing it until it’s beating subsided; nausea and horror sticky in the back of her throat.
It took Pomni a few seconds to notice that wherever Jax had shot, it hadn’t been vital. Or at least not in his upper body area. Quickly grabbing the gun off the floor and holstering it in her pant’s waistband she went down on her knees, hands frantically searching all over purple fur to find the entrance wound — if there even was one to begin with.
Pomni didn’t even feel the blood on her hands, warm and sticky, clinging to her skin like it’d never looked for any other place to be. And frankly if she’d noticed she wouldn’t have cared, all she sought was to somehow keep this situation from falling apart. Deep down, there were conflicting feelings she couldn’t grasp nor comprehend, a mess of emotions entangling themselves in webs like clumsy spiders; sorrow, guilt, pain, anger — directed at herself, and at Jax.
If she hadn’t left him alone, if she’d been there, if she’d remembered to take the gun. She knew they couldn’t technically die, though the pain and the injuries stayed the same, and any great instability could jumpstart his entire abstraction. He could’ve… simply vanished with the pull of the trigger, without her ever having a chance to properly say goodbye if this day was to come.
All these hours spent sitting with Kinger, talking to him whenever he was lucid enough during the dark, countless hours spent awake and staring at Jax’ sleeping frame in hopes it’d be okay, in case she had to resort to getting Caine involved. She’d spent too much energy, and frankly, she was exhausted. This wasn’t just any type of tiredness running throughout every inch of her body, it was sheer bitterness. Bitterness how he’d treated her help, though deep down, a part of Pomni knew it wasn’t entirely his fault. Unique situations required unique thinking, but she’d hit a roadblock.
Finally, her fingers found the source of the blood, index finger dipping into what seemed to be a hole in the skin near his hip. A slipped shot, the bullet hadn’t gone through but instead entered at an angle, most likely doing a tumble as it left the damage cavity. An accident? But why—
Pomni shook her head in defiance, unable to answer her own thoughts right now, instead recall first aid training she had all those years back when starting the office job. She didn’t even know if she needed it all considering they were polygon avatars, though the existence of blood and an unconscious state had every alarm bell ring for her.
Removing the bullet wouldn’t be much of an issue, considering they had no internal organs to take care of. Still, there was blood. Pomni also pushed those thoughts aside. Tearing up a piece of the blanket she sat on she wrapped it around her arm before gently feeling for the bullet’s position, locating it pretty quickly. At least it’d been a shallow cavity, and with a few more instances of applied pressure and digging in the entrance the Jester swiftly found herself rewarded with a bloody piece of 9mm ammunition; glistening red and silver in dim lighting, tossed aside with little regards to it’s whereabouts.
Steps behind her indicated someone came closer, and a shadow Pomni couldn’t name fell into the room. Too tall to be Caine. Too convoluted to be Ragatha.
“Go away,” she barked without even turning her head, and a voice filled with panic and anger — a vigor so sharply laced with urgency the shadow turned away silently, quiet clanking of mis-matched pieces indicating quite clearly who’d just paid them a visit. Pomni did not care.
Finishing her on the spot medical knowledge she folded the torn up blanket pieces across the wound, fixing it with a lot of pressure, breaths coming in short bursts. Cleaning up a small wound like this one didn’t demand much exertion, though the overwhelming amount of her own emotions came to crush her with exhaustion hitting like a semi-truck.
Finally done, she almost fell back, recovering her own posture by balancing hands against the floor, face heavenwards and chest heaving. How awful this sticky, warm feeling between her fingers felt, like glue she couldn’t quite wash off, and she refused to wipe her hands on anything but a towel or handkerchief.
He didn’t know where he was. When Jax opened his eyes, it was anything but his room — vague shapes surrounding him reminiscent of the main circus area, though he couldn’t quite tell. A dizzy mind wasn’t exactly the best to recall memories and places, he reckoned, and slowly rose to his feet; body feeling better as ever. Strangely well, considering his condition and having just shot himself on accident with a gun he’d been pondering to use for his own suicide.
Wherever he was, everything seemed strangely bloomed from light peeking in somewhere, casting soft shadows and blurry lines onto every item he could make out in the black and white world stretching on endlessly.
Everything seemed as drab as he made it out to be in the real world, too — or, rather the Circus’ world. There was no ‘real world’ there, only an imaginary concept of one; One he’d grown to hate and resent, not even allowing it the dignity of color within the realms of his mind. A place he didn’t even know he was stepping into after losing consciousness.
Jax’ ears perked, picking up steps echoing behind himself and he turned around on the spot, eyes looking everywhere until they settled on a familiar shape emerging from the shadows, as luminous and soft as their surroundings. He needed a moment to decipher their shape, though when he did, he jerked backwards hastily - shock and sadness washing over him in waves too large to handle, and the rabbit felt hot tears sting in his widened eyes.
“Ribbit?”
His breathless voice was also in possession of an echo, slowly losing itself in the tent’s ceiling cast in black shadows. She didn’t reply right away, though acknowledged her name being called with a tilt of her head, sad smile sprawling across a gentle face.
“What an awful name you’ve picked for me,” she replied, jest and grief fighting for dominance in her gravely voice, closing in until she stood right in front of him and the rabbit had to lower his head to see her face. “Hearing it out loud again made me realize how stupid it sounds.”
“You picked it. I just made the joke,” Jax argued, and finally took a few steps towards her. Chest heaving through attempted calmness, he couldn’t help but trying to uphold his old, familiar walls. He couldn’t break, not now… not in front of her. “What the actual fuck is going on?”
Slightly jerking backwards he realized there’d been no filter applied to his cursing, and his hand raised towards his mouth on instinct. ‘Where even are we?’
“This isn’t a place controlled by anyone.” Ribbit stepped closer, her shapes faintly losing it’s blurriness for just a second. Sensing Jax’ confusion, she tried to explain to the best of her abilities — which remained limited, despite everything, no matter how clear the memory of her had remained within Jax’ head. “It’s your memories, silly.”
“My memories?”
“Mhm. Your body’s working on respawning. Or, well, recovering I suppose. Since you didn’t die technically.” She shrugged, and turned to the side, Jax’ gaze following. “Whenever avatars do this, they toss the human consciousness into their own mind to safely recover any data, and then return the consciousness back into the body. I had it happen before, too.”
There they stood, the couches of the main area he was so familiar with — avoiding them to a point it’d become a joke to him. Mostly due to the others sitting there half of the damn time, and he wasn’t about to be in their presence most days. Without saying another word, Ribbit approached them and took a seat, waiting for the rabbit to come over. It took him a few moments, pushing through mental walls, but finally Jax followed.
“That’s crazy,” he managed to get out, every word squeezed through a constricted throat as he sat opposite of Ribbit. “So all you are is a memory of mine.”
She nodded. “Yeah. Can’t exactly overstep boundaries of what you remember and experienced, so don’t be alarmed.”
All of this, whatever this was, wherever he was, it overwhelmed him. Seeing, hearing her like that. She was gone. There’d been nothing left of her… but his own memories of her. Memories suppressed with all his might, denying his own grief time and time again.
“Man, you really did some work to yourself there,” Ribbit continued, “denying your own humanity, forgetting about me, being an absolute jackass to those around you. What happened?”
Her question was filled with disappointment that stung like a slap to the face, open palm and everything. Jax almost flinched despite there being no physical contact, and sucked in air through his teeth, shoulders raised in defense.
“Your death happened,” he grieved, voice filled with bitterness. “You fucking died. And I abandoned you instead of being there for you in a time of need. I’m surprised even memory-you would even consider talking to me.”
“Why wouldn’t I talk to you? We’re friends. The bestest of them, to be exact. We made a blood pact in high school, don’t think I’d forget about that.” She grinned. “And you didn’t forget, either. And now you have someone that’s willing to put up with your shenanigans and weird behavior, talking to you, and what are you doing? Pushing her away, too? You’re worse off than I thought! Back in college you would’ve frothed over getting to meet someone like that girl.”
A roll of his eyes was yet another silent way of acknowledging that she was right. “Yeah, back in college. That’s how many years ago now?”
“Not enough for you to lose yourself like that, idiot.” Ribbit sighed. “I expected better of you, man. You were so… hopeful back then despite everything.”
“Well, yeah, things have changed. They’ve changed a long time ago,” he mumbled, unable to admit as much to himself, let alone her. Even if she was merely a fragment of his own mind instead of her own person, it didn’t feel right. “Everything’s different now, and I don’t know how to deal with it.”
“You do have hope in re-learning how to deal with it, again.” Her eyes reflected knowledge, put into words quite quickly as soon as the small glint appeared. “That girl you’re talking to. You love her, do you?”
His head jerked upwards, and Ribbit laughed at his reaction. “Oh you do, I see.”
Immediately turning to the side, Jax tried his best to hide the warming feeling arising in his head. “What? I didn’t even say anything.”
“You don’t need to. Your face tells a lot of stories, and this is one of them.” She pointed towards him. “I know you better than you think I do. Even if I’m just a fragment of your memories right now.”
Giving her the gratitude of an eye roll, Jax scoffed. “So what if I do.”
“Don’t get defensive, dude. We both know you do and there’s nothing bad about it.” Ribbit chuckled. “The way you look at her? Let yourself be vulnerable against your own beliefs? Yeah, that’s not something you’d usually do.”
He averted her eyes, ears pinned back. “I’m bad for her.”
“Ain’t we all?” She smiled, hand cradling her face. “You’re not a bad person. You’re awful, though. Especially with feelings and social relationships. But not evil.”
Sneering, Jax rolled his eyes. A defensive mechanism. “Thanks. I can use the pep talk.”
“Oh don’t wallow yourself in self-loathing, you know how much I hate that in people,” Ribbit continued, critique within her words hitting a sore spot despite being spoken through a gentle voice. “That’s the worst thing you can do when you’re attempting to heal. Have you already forgotten what Kinger had said to you? Healing’s also taking responsibility for your own role you played in your suffering? Try acknowledge that one first. And then… tackle the rest.”
“Thanks.” Playfully scoffing, Jax’ shoulders jerked with a joyless chuckle. “You should’ve studied psychology instead of whatever amphibian classes you took.”
“Batrachology,” Ribbit corrected. “Don’t tease me over my major now, alright? Mr. I-wanna-work-with-animals.”
"Well, at least the animals I wanted to work with aren't slimy." He jested, biting back at her, though still averting his gaze, not noticing how the shapes around him had started to become more translucent.
Swaying movements appeared in his vision, and Jax lifted his head in confusion. With each passing moment, everything around them seemed to lose it’s shape, fading outlines gently twirl around themselves, a dance of fog and memories gradually losing both contrast and shape, no doubt caused by his mind slipping back into consciousness.
“What’s happening?” Alarmed by this sudden, visual change, Jax emerged from the sofa, head looking around frantically before feeling Ribbit’s hands descend upon his arm.
“You’re waking up,” she commented. “Don’t panic. That’s normal. Your consciousness is returning to the avatar.”
“We won’t see each other again I reckon?” A question burning so deeply inside of Jax’ chest it might as well start an entire fire in his body. Grabbing her arm, he held onto it, wanting to feel a familiar sensation one last time — or whenever the next time would come that he’d find himself within the realms of his own consciousness.
He’d wished for more time, wished for more opportunities and more topics he could talk about with her, though Jax knew that this version of Ribbit was not her. Not quite. Literally letting go of the past had never felt great for him, no matter how much he had tried denying the grief fueling his body and behavior.
Ribbit shook her head. “No. But don’t worry. Stop pushing everything aside, and embrace memories instead of fearing them. It’ll do wonders, believe me.” She stepped in closer, and he let her, feeling arms wrap around his midsection and being pulled into a hug — one he’d missed, one he’d failed to let her experience for a last time before dying. “This isn’t your time to die.”
Pomni’s head had slowly started to fall forward as she was nodding off, illuminated by a strip of dim lighting from outside the door; a gentle reminder of the hallway’s overhead lights still being turned on. No one had bothered switching them off, everyone knew they’d hardly find any sleep tonight, some waiting anxiously, others filled with curiosity and confusion at the same time. Everyone sat awake… all, but the Jester. Exhaustion ran through her mind far stronger than any other emotion right now, and having cared for Jax’ injuries had taken the last bit of strength she still had in her reserves.
Then, a reaction. Her own body sprung back to life in the snap of a finger, grip around him tightening faintly to keep him up, not wanting him to fold in on himself with an ongoing injury in the lower area. He’d finally recovered, and it showed. Every avatar felt pain, and to Jax’ luck he’d only been unconscious, not dead — though the torment stayed, and they felt all of the waves of pain returning at once. A gut punch, truly. Pomni knew how he must be feeling, though to a lesser extend.
When Jax had accidentally shot her in the back it’d felt so real, still running shivers down Pomni’s frame just thinking about it. Sharp, pinching, like an explosion she couldn’t see; no injuries or scars to even tell a story. There was only a pinching sensation where the blood had shortly rubbed against fabric and skin before disappearing.
Why do these bodies bleed to begin with?
The body in her arms tensed up, trembling uncontrollably as if it was freezing, and Pomni found herself torn from her own mind; returning to the here and now to witness Jax coming back from forced unconsciousness he’d been forced in to heal, frantically gasping for air while his human mind settled back into the body. Nothing had changed, but Pomni knew he was going to feel the gunshot now. And that he did.
A whimpering noise akin to a wisp left him, almost too quiet to properly make out, though she’d taken notice. A quiet sob, and his hand clinged to her shirt, tightly as he was to die if he ever dared letting go. He wasn’t loud. He wasn’t demanding. Only a simple request for him to hold on, and Pomni acknowledged it. Accepted it. When she raised her hand to touch his shoulder he recoiled, shrinking away from her touch like a scared animal — not unusual in situations like these.
“Can you hear me?” She asked a simple task, and one of his ears moved in her direction. Enough for the Jester to assume he was capable of what she’d asked; nothing holding her back anymore.
“What the hell were you thinking?!” Her voice was quiet but grieving, and it was filled with more tears than her eyes ever could — the same mismatched eyes that stared him down, those he was too tired, too hurt to even look into. “What were you thinking, what the hell did you try to use the gun for? Were you trying to kill yourself?!”
Pomni felt his shoulders move, a shrug, dismissive as always. He didn’t even give her the dignity of a spoken response, and her emotions boiled over.
“Don’t just shrug!” She shook him, held him, pulled him into a hug all at once. “That’s what you do when you forgot doing the house chores you were asked to do, not when you f[ ]cking shot yourself! Were you trying to kill yourself?”
Repeating her question she desperately hoped for him to be honest with her, grip getting tighter like he’d slip away forever if she dared to let go. Underneath her arms she felt his heart pound in a chest too small for all of the heavy load it’s been bearing; racing in one continuous rhythm as his breathing — shallow, but still there.
Then, a reply: “Yes.”
A voice hoarse and dry, nothing inside that could indicate any sort of joke. Jax spoke the truth, even though it came slowly. “I tried. But I stopped. And accidentally shot myself anyways.”
“You’re such a f[ ]cking idiot!” Her voice steadily rose in volume; no doubt the others outside must’ve heard her. Pomni did not care one bit.
Let them hear me, they could judge later.
Though she dreaded one thing more than anything — the truth. Breaking it to them. “Why did you try to kill yourself? You know we cannot die! Why would you waste every chance of recovery you might still have?!”
His eye darted around, meeting every inch of the room but never her gaze. Then, he breathed. “I’m sorry.”
No excuses. No explanations. Nothing. Nix, nada, zero, zilch.
Pomni would’ve rather heard him try talking his way out of the situation like he’d did time and time again, she’d rather hear him lie than this. She didn’t want an apology. She wanted to understand, and she needed him to grasp how foolish he’d been — throwing away chances at life. A reason to scream at him, release all these pent-up emotions that’d been tormenting her. All these tired nights without any sleep, naps during the day whenever they could. Sneaking out to get food. It almost felt normal.
She felt Jax push himself up, shaking, but ultimately managing to sit somewhat upright. His arms found their ways around her body, and drew her in close, his head resting on her chest — and she allowed it, silently, though her rant wasn’t entirely over yet. He knew. And it was only fair letting her continue on speaking her mind.
“I know you hate your humanity, and I know you can’t be bothered searching for it, but for f[ ]ck’s sake, Jax, don’t ruin what I’ve given to keep you here!” Pomni wasn’t beating around the bush anymore. Let him have it, clear and simple. “If you knew you were going to throw all of my efforts away, why didn’t you just tell me?!”
“I didn’t want to. I couldn’t.” A strong whisper, and the rabbit turned his head towards her, finally meeting her tear-filled eyes. One of his hands found it’s way to her face, and it gently cupped it — a palm large enough to fit the Jester’s entire face in it, and she leaned into it. Guilt boiled hot inside of his ribs. “I’m so sorry.”
Pomni’s next question hit harder than any punch, any gunshot, any physical hit could ever achieve. “Have you ever asked yourself how selfish you can be? Is your… mask, your archetype really worth all of this? Do you actually think this is just hurting you, and not any of the others? Have you ever considered how much it’s hurting me?”
“No,” he admitted. “I haven’t. I didn’t know how to.”
“You’re such a f[ ]cking asshole,” she sobbed. “I hate that you’re doing this, not just to yourself but also to me. Why did you even approach me if you’re incapable of thinking about anyone else but yourself? Why?”
“I don’t know,” he repeated, though he meant it. He didn’t know why. “I—…”
Sneering at his own inability to find the correct words Jax turned his head, breathing heavily. Pain mixed with heavy emotions was never a good cocktail to have rush through your veins when you’re holding onto the one person caring for you. “I thought I might… get something back I missed. I thought there was a small chance at a life before—…”
Gritting his teeth, he felt awful for his next words: “Before Ribbit had abstracted.”
“So you thought I would be a good replacement for her?” Taking serious offense, Pomni’s head left his touch, hurt eyes staring him down. “That’s why you approached me?”
“Not solely because of that.” Jax gathered all his strength, finally looking her in the eyes. “Initially, when you arrived here, it felt like that. I won’t deny that. The more we spoke the more I realized that… there was no reason to be thinking like that. And it scared me, the potential of being close with someone and inevitable loss approaching. I wanted you to… let go of this concept of liking me.”
The Jester didn’t seem convinced. Nor did she seem less hurt, and frankly, he couldn’t blame her. He’d hurt her, a lot. And yet she was still here.
“Tell me how I’m supposed to just let go of you. Tell me how I’m supposed to remove all of these emotions and feelings, in a place like this. If you know, tell me. Spare me the hurt, or keep your mouth shut and stop trying to ruin it.”
Jax did not reply. Maybe he didn’t care. Maybe he didn’t know. So she continued.
“Just tell me that you care. Care about me, about… this. All of it,” Pomni whispered. “Or that you don’t. Be honest with me, so I can stop trying so damn hard!” Her tear-filled eyes stared him down with glares so sharp they might as well be daggers.
Jax held his own glance steady, meeting Pomni’s face despite the sorrowful expression on his face her reaction had caused in him, his shoulders shaking with the rhythm of his breathing. It took him longer than he ever wanted to reply, and with each passing moment he saw hope fall out of the Jester’s face.
“I care,” he grieved, and his entire mask fell off in one clean motion. “About you.”
The first time he hadn’t outright lied, instead being as honest as he can be — with himself, with her. It didn’t feel great, Jax had to admit as much, and it stung in his chest. Years of an archetype, years of a wall being built and never admitting care for anyone else but himself, and even that care was questionable at best, he felt defeat.
Defeat caused by one small woman sitting in front of him, worn out eyes filled with sadness and an almost seething glare at once. Anger, though understandable. He’d done nothing but bring her hardship, pain and exhaustion, all because of selfish intents and an ego that was never quite satisfied, no matter how much he’d feed into it.
Pomni’s gaze met a man deeply spent and done in by his own demeanor, his own little play pretend of being fine and on top of everyone else; someone so insecure in his own identity he’d started assuming another one just to start over as a worse version of himself. Her jaw shook as it tightened, hands balled into fists she hadn’t even realized until now, strain of her muscles clenching up reaching her shoulders.
If it wasn’t for his injuries she would’ve beaten Jax up once more right now, simply letting out her own pent-up worry, exhaustion and anger. Though, her affection and worry held herself back, and she knew: This wasn’t a solution. Maybe it had been back after the gun adventure, but she couldn’t simply resort to violence every damn time with him. This time, it appeared like he’d genuinely approached a point of understanding, and the Jester let her resentful grudges out with one deep exhale; shoulders slouching back down, hands opening up. And he noticed, his ears slowly facing forward again.
She felt him reach out, his hands on her sides, and she allowed it. His arms almost slipped from her, and Pomni tensed up underneath.
“Please, don’t let go right now.” Sobbed words from trembling lips, and Jax felt her crack underneath his touch. Her voice was small, almost disappearing into the void that was his room.
For how many days and night she’d worked for his sake, and how had he repaid her? Never in his life had he anticipated to ever feel this strongly. To ever feel sorry in such capacities — not in the Circus of all places. Not for the person he’d barely known for a few weeks, though it felt much longer. A lifetime pressed into such short period. His arms found their way around her body, familiar touch and posture assumed, and he slowly allowed his head to drop on her shoulder — just as she did with her own.
There was a warmth emitting from Jax’ fur that didn’t feel like the radiant heat or coldness she’d felt over the past couple of days, and despite both of them being covered in splatters of blood, Pomni buried her face in his chest, soft strands of fur brushing over her cheeks and eyelids. He didn’t push her away, instead embracing it, arms wrapping around her tighter without hurting.
Neither of them knew how much time passed as they sat on the floor, an embrace fueled by desperation, a want and need to understand, disconnect and connecting at the same time; for Pomni, it was a great simply dissociating herself from the situation, having no other option right now. She needed to get away mentally, needed to settle herself in a mindset that didn’t allow for any pain or hurt to cross over.
“You should get cleaned up,” he mumbled, still arms wrapped around her, one hand on the back of her head, fingers gently moving strands of hair. “Get some fresh clothes.”
Pomni would’ve loved to protest, simply to fire back at his words, sounding so caring when she’d just yelled at him for being inconsiderate, though she refrained from it. Her emotions were boiling over tonight, and she wasn’t going to let them have the best of her. She was better than simply exploding on the spot.
“Yeah,” she spoke, as quietly as Jax had done, and felt his grip softening — waiting on her to get up first, not pushing her away. “I’ll take a bath I suppose. Your blood’s everywhere.”
She felt his warm breath descend down her neck as he exhaled. “Sorry.”
“’S okay.” Feeling his arms release from their previous position Pomni slowly pushed herself up, unable to keep her eyes from his face — painted by exhaustion, pain and confusion, though in the depth of mismatched, tired eyes there laid something so utterly foreign it made her question if he’d now truly understood the message she’d been trying so desperately to get drilled into his head. Maybe he had. Pomni wanted him to understand.
“You know I’ll have to tell the others about the abstraction now, right?” She didn’t hesitate asking such question, and Jax knew that she spoke nothing but the truth. His head moved as he nodded.
“Yeah.”
Acknowledging his reply, Pomni sighed. “Alright. I’ll be right back,” she spoke, grabbing her key and feeling for the gun, which was still holstered to her waistband. “I’ll lock the door.”
“I know,” he replied, softly, watching every movement of hers with a tilt in his posture, one hand put against the injury on his abdomen. “Take your time.”
She let the door fall into the lock as gently as she could, unwilling to create more noise than necessary, potentially risking people waking up again — if they even went back to sleep to begin with. Pomni seriously doubted it, and she was about to be proven right. Movement from the corner of her eye had her look up, locking eyes with Zooble standing in their doorframe, arms crossed and leaning against the wooden frame.
They exchanged knowing glances, speaking no words, though the Jester could witness understanding in the way the toybox character watched her emerge from Jax’ room, blood and lilac fur still sticking to her hands. She must be looking awful, rings underneath her eyes she hadn’t even thought being possible — considering all their bodies were supposed to be made of were code and polygons.
Though it didn’t seem that way, considering the gruesome scene she’d just aided and the iron stench emitting from her hands.
Once more, she looked over towards Zooble. Their face said nothing Pomni could potentially hope to decipher in the short time they had before they suddenly raised their voice, though still nothing louder than a murmur.
“We’ll talk in the morning,” they said, and despite the words sounding as serious as they could be, their voice was strangely gentle. Almost soft.
Like they’d figured out Pomni’s role in the whole ordeal, and wasn’t about to place blame on her. And the Jester found herself nodding silently, hand still tight around the door knob, ready to push open the door the second she heard any noise from inside the room.
They all want answers. And I can’t blame them. I’d love some, too.
As Zooble retreated back into their room, Pomni let go of the knob. What she needed right now was a trip to the bathroom, cleaning herself up and grabbing new clothes before returning to the room, possibly getting a few more hours of sleep in. She didn’t feel comfortable leaving Jax alone again, though she’d made sure to remove the gun before doing so.
Right now all she could hope for was her words doing enough to keep him from doing anything stupid once more. Letting out a deep inhale out as a sigh, Pomni pushed herself off the door, slow steps descending her down the hallway.
For once, even her mind wondered how long she could still hold onto stability.
A door opened on her right, and Pomni’s head snapped into the sound’s direction on instinct. Her eyes were met with Ragatha’s worried expression, and internally the Jester sighed.
“Dear god,” the ragdoll couldn’t hold herself back from exclaiming. “You’re full of… blood.”
“Yeah,” Pomni mumbled, staring down at her hands. “I know. I’m on the way to the bathroom to wash up.”
“You… want some company? I could help you, if you want… bring some clothes, too.” Speaking her offer in nervous voices, Ragatha seemed almost hesitant bringing up helping Pomni, her hands fiddling with the cross necklace around her neck.
Considering the Jester’s initial reaction before she couldn’t even blame her. And this time Ragatha’s help would be appreciated. Pomni was simply too tired to go alone, and having someone to talk around might not be a bad idea.
“Yeah, sure. Why not.” She tried her best smiling in response, though it faltered as quickly as it was attempted. “I could use someone to talk to right now… it’s…” Pomni sighed. “It’s bad. Real bad.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.” Stepping outside of her room, Ragatha gently closed the door behind herself. The lock’s soft click seemed to echo throughout the hallway nontheless. “These past couple of days didn’t seem kind to you.”
“No. They absolutely weren’t. If you knew,” Pomni mumbled, pressing her lips together. Can’t just spill the beans like that, not now. “We’ll talk about it in the morning. Zooble had already approached me.”
“I’m not surprised,” Ragatha admitted, hands folded across her dress as they made their way throughout the empty, silent tent. “They helped bring back some quiet after the… whole ordeal.”
It became clear she itched to ask what had happened, though kept her lips sealed, knowing Pomni wasn’t about to discuss any details. Just looking at the Jester’s face told Ragatha enough to be persuaded from even trying, and she refrained for the moment. As they entered the bathroom she offered her help, turning on some water and letting it run into the tub while Pomni undressed, neither of them speaking for the moment.
Extending her hand, offering to help her inside the tub, Pomni took it without second thoughts. The warm water had never felt better on her sore, tingling skin, and she sighed deeply as she laid back in the tub.
“Thanks.” Turning her head towards Ragatha she almost cracked a smile, watching the ragdoll averting her face, almost as if she didn’t want to look and be caught. “You can look at me, you know? It’s fine.”
“But you’re nude,” Ragatha mumbled into her palm, still looking towards the wall. “I don’t want to be inconsiderate.”
“You’re not.” Sitting more upright, Pomni couldn’t help but laugh. “Look. It’s not like you can steal anything from me with your eyes, there’s nothing.” She gestured up and down her body, and finally, Ragatha’s head moved. “Don’t worry. Also, there’s a chair if you wanna sit down.”
Taking the offered seat, Ragatha sighed. “Sorry. I’m so used to everyone being clothed and, you know… the old ways… it didn’t feel right.”
“I know how you’re feeling,” Pomni admitted, drawing in her knees to her chest and hugging her legs with her arms. The water in the tub was enough to go over her ankles and warm her, slowly coloring itself pink from the blood being washed off. “I had the same situation, kept looking away before realizing… ‘wait, there’s nothing to look at’. Kinda odd, but hey. Can’t expect the avatars in a game for all ages to be that detailed.”
Gently cupping some water in her hands Pomni used it to rid herself of the blood, sighing deeply. “It’s so weird acknowledging your body in here. Looking entirely different from what you were back in the real world…”
“Tell me about it.” Ragatha’s sad tone didn’t go past Pomni. “Being in a new body, looking different, feeling different… experiencing pain and injury in such weird, cartoony ways. It’s eerie, and not at all comforting to know you can’t exactly die. It still feels off, and inhumane.”
“You sometimes wish to return to your old body?”
“All the time. I don’t mind humanity. Fragility. I just want this… cartoon world to be over sometimes. But what can we do?” Underneath the ragdoll’s sad, yet nonchalant demeanor sat a deeper sorrow Pomni picked up on. She’d felt the same way, undeniably. “We grow to tolerate it, or in cases like Jax… we embrace it. Though I don’t know if I could ever embrace this wacky body of mine.”
“Yeah, me neither,” Pomni agreed, turning the water back on to get rid of the blood-stained water now, grabbing one of the many bottles on the side Jax hadn’t emptied when he’d taken his bath. Maybe one of them would be soap… or similar to it. “If I could chose, I’d switch back into my human, no second thoughts about it.”
“Glad to hear I’ve found agreement,” Ragatha laughed. A gentle noise from an old, sad face too young for her. “I… rarely talk about this topic with others. It feels too personal, too intimate, and I feared they wouldn’t be up to even talk about it to begin with.”
“It’s not a happy topic I admit,” Pomni mumbled, taking a whiff from a few bottles before deciding on one to use as soap replacement. At least it smelled tolerable, a hint of floral scents, though she couldn’t quite place them. Almost like an AI made them. “Though not one I’d averse to talk about, I suppose.”
Placing her face on the palm of her hand, Ragatha used the tub’s edge to stabilize her elbow on, watching Pomni’s movement as she sat on her side. “I wouldn’t have assumed our bodies were even able to bleed, though,” she spoke, gently bringing up another part of the topic. “Considering I’m filled with… well, stuffing.”
“You’ve never bled,” Pomni stated the obvious, though she sounded kind of surprised by that. “Huh. Interesting.”
Caught off guard by the Jester’s seemingly nonchalant appearance over the topic, Ragatha threw her a questioning glance. “Have you bled before?”
“Yeah. During the gun adventure, when Jax had shoot me on accident. We were in the dark, and I didn’t think much of it, but later I discovered blood. It… wasn’t a very pleasant discovery, not at all. It had hurt, sure, but I didn’t expect there to be any kind of injury, even though it healed over quite quickly.”
“I wouldn’t have assumed blood to even be an option in here,” Ragatha spoke, her voice filled with concern. “You okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine now.” Pomni put the bottle aside and rose from the water, which was now tinted in a pink shade, before grabbing the shower head. “It did hurt in the moment, and man was it painful. Like a sting that went entirely underneath your skin and burrowed itself there… ugh.” She shook herself before rising herself off, getting rid of any bloodied water on her skin. “I can live life without experiencing that again.”
“Believe me… me too. I’ve got enough of instances in which I was… impaled by something or lost a limb.” Ragatha sighed. “Sewing them back on isn’t exactly much fun either.”
Almost dropping the shower head Pomni caught it just in time before it made contact with the tub’s bottom, head snapping towards the ragdoll with a bewildered — and confused — expression, mouth standing open. “You gotta sew your lost limbs back on?!”
An almost queasy, strained laugh came from Ragatha as she was met with the Jester’s bewilderment. “Well, it’s certainly not something you hear every day,” she commented, “but yes, I sew any lost limbs back on. Unless I get respawned, like it happened during the gun adventure. That would’ve been awful, though — sewing your hands back on… well, without your hands.”
It was quite obvious she was joking to hide her true emotions, and Pomni felt her chest constrict faintly. She felt bad.
“I’m sorry,” she replied, sighing. “For… my whole behavior during the gun adventure towards you. I know it was brief and all, but it wasn’t… I don’t know. It can’t say it wasn’t me because it was me, and I did enjoy being ‘evil’ for once, but I didn’t mean to come off as genuinely awful.”
Surprise bloomed within Ragatha’s gaze as she blinked towards Pomni, visibly taken aback by the sudden apology.
“Oh, it’s… it’s okay,” she spoke gently, smiling half-heartedly. It was quite obvious she wasn’t entirely sure how to react. “It was all fun and games, and I’m not angry.”
Despite her tone, her words and expression held truth, and Pomni saw as much when she studied both of them. Relief washed over her, and she finally turned off the water to leave the tub.
“Can you hand me some towels?” Nodding towards the corner wardrobe, Ragatha turned around upon receiving the request, following Pomni’s gestures.
“Oh! Yes, sure. Hold on.”
“Thanks.”
Being tossed a towel moments later, the Jester finally climbed out of the tub and dried herself off, wrapping the fabric around herself for the moment being.
She’d be getting new clothes when she got back to her room — or Jax’ room, who knew. After everything the least he could do was lend her some clothes while her own were… cleaned. Or whatever might happen to them, now that they were soaked in dried blood. Her face scrunched up at the sight of her clothes, every area equally stained. She disliked them even more right now.
“Everything okay?”
Ragatha’s gentle voice tore Pomni from her thoughts, and she snapped back into reality.
“Yeah,” she replied, picking up her clothes with pinched fingers. “I just— thought about how disgusting the dried blood is. I hope it’ll… come off. Or whatever. I’ll just steal Jax’ clothes until then, after all it’s his fault.”
Despite the jest in her voice, she wasn’t simply being playful. A twinge of honesty laid in their depths, and Ragatha picked up on it quite easily.
“Speaking of Jax… is he… okay?” Her way of asking made it evident how much she hesitated, and Pomni couldn’t even blame her.
“Barely,” she admitted. “You’ll get more details… later. I honestly don’t want to say too much right now, my mood’s barely been lifted above ground zero. Don't wanna drop down there again.”
“Yeah, understandable!” Quickly agreeing, Ragatha nodded. “Let’s just head back and get some rest.”
“Sounds like a plan.”
Pomni couldn’t wait, hoping for at least and hour or two’s worth of a nap before being inevitably confronted by the others, their questions, concerns and probably a few pointed fingers at her keeping his abstraction a secret for too long. All she could hope for was understanding — and maybe, just maybe… some help along the way.
I'm slowly running out of art to post at the end of these chapters without it including spoiler work so UHHH to lighten the mood after the last two chapters here's some funny doodles I did a while ago!!
Chapter 10: Simulacrum
Summary:
Many talks are happening in this one - with the truth coming out, Pomni finds herself in a situation where she's confronted with her motivations and emotions towards Jax. Ragatha brings herself to open up, and use the time they still have left to try and make amends regarding her relationship with Jax.
Notes:
Hello & Welcome back my delicious bacon playlists, to the second-longest chapter of this story at almost 14k words!! I think it's the second-longest... or the longest, I DON'T KNOW!! Everyone's having a talk in here. I can't tell you how much I LOVE writing these dialogues between Pomni and Jax just discovering their emotions and Pomni calling him out on his behavior... dreamy sigh. I dread the path the future chapter's are going! :'))
Enjoy the mix of hurt/comfort and fluff!! As always, art at the end of the chapter - including some sketches of my newest TADC AU I'm absolutely obsessing over... RAAA
Chapter Text
I've been distant
'Cause I can't tell if it's the end or the beginning
I know I haven't been myself, I'll admit it
And I put up walls, so if I burned any bridges just know
I'm doing everything I can to try and fix it
But knowing me, I'll probably miss it
Stray rays of light hit her face late in the morning, and Pomni found herself coiling tighter into the sheets surrounding her, mumbling and groaning quietly as her sleep got quickly interrupted by the sudden shift in luminosity outside her closed eyes. She held onto these last bits a little longer, not daring to open said eyes and be faced with the consequences of last night’s happenings, far too invested in peaceful slumber for now.
She’d returned to Jax’ room after getting ready and cleaned up, wishing Ragatha a good night — if these few hours could’ve still be called that — before crawling into bed herself, checking on the already passed out body next to her. Neither of them had bothered actually getting up on the actual bed, instead sleeping right then and there on the floor, where she’d made her little ‘spot’ these past couple of nights after finding out about Jax’ abstraction.
Though not without making sure to stow the gun in her own room, too paranoid about keeping it in the same room, even if she was physically present. Jax wouldn’t mind, and Pomni didn’t fear any attack either. She’d been way too paranoid initially, she realized as much, though she’d never dealt with abstractions before… except on her very first day, and it still lingered in her memories despite being weeks in the past.
She just couldn’t get the visuals out of her hand, the static feeling in her hand as if it’d fallen asleep, being chased around the tent for what seemed to be eternity, only to stumble upon the ‘Exit’ and getting tossed in an entirely new dilemma. No, not quite pleasant memories Pomni had made regarding abstractions, and whenever she threw a quick glance towards Jax she couldn’t help but re-live them inside her head. It wasn’t fair, and he hadn’t tried hurting her — physically, that is.
Mentally, he’d left scars she couldn’t quite place. And yet, there was… this sense of comfort, this sense of being drawn to him Pomni wasn’t able to explain. Not to herself, and even less so to others.
Ragatha had seemingly taken notice of her behavior, though she never spoke it aloud the Jester could see it in her eyes. Just yesterday, when they’d been together in the bathroom.
Knowing glances, subtle but present. Both of them had noticed them, mutual understanding, no words needed.
She turned her head towards Jax, watching his shoulders rise and fall with each breathing rhythm, deeply asleep.
Pomni didn’t plan on waking him for their little ‘meeting’, knowing it’d put too much stress on him — Stress neither of them needed, for they still had to sort out quarrels inbetween themselves.
There’s been enough on their minds recently. As much as she needed him to understand, to finally take responsibility after avoiding it for so many years, Pomni understood that there was a time and place for everything. Especially such emotionally numbing and tiring exertion neither of them anticipated going down within these past days, gradually sliding ever quicker, ever steeper down a mountain of issues. Issues he’d slowly piled up during his time, and eventually grabbed her hand to pull her on top of it, too. For whatever reason that might’ve happened, Pomni did not know — and did not want answer for at the moment.
Gently putting her legs over the edge of the make-shift bed on the floor she felt around for her clothes, putting them back on slowly, though they consisted of nothing more than a simple shirt she’d stolen from Jax’ wardrobe after her shower, and some pants, also courtesy of his possessions. They were far too large for her, but the Jester couldn’t care less right now. She must be looking like hell right now, rough and sleep-deprived, and that she was. Rubbing the sleep out of her eyes Pomni stepped into the hallway, gently locking the door behind herself without too much noise, finding herself face to face with a certain ragdoll who’d just approached, her face filled with surprise at her emerge.
“Oh, you’re awake already! I just came over to get you,” Ragatha spoke, and had Pomni blink up at her, sensitive eyes disturbed by the bright hallway lights. “The others are waiting — if you’re ready, that is. If not, we can take some more time.”
“No, it’s fine,” Pomni objected, stretching as she spoke. “I’m awake enough to have a proper talk. Can’t push it around anymore, I kind of… want to get it off my chest, you know?” She sighed. “Let’s go. Thanks for fetching me, by the way.”
A gentle smile showed itself on the doll’s face, and she turned around to walk towards the main area with Pomni by her side now. “No problem.” Hesitating, she took some tome before speaking her next words: “Zooble seems like they know more.”
It sounded like a question, and Pomni knew what she was alluding towards.
“They don’t. Not a whole lot, I suppose,” the Jester replied honestly. “They did stand in the doorway last night and might’ve seen something, though I send them away before they could say anything. I just needed… the space at the moment.”
“Understandable,” Ragatha agreed, her voice still faintly quivering with hesitation, and she nervously pushed back one of her red, woolly locks. “That… was quite the night. I’ve never seen anything… like that happen. At all. And I’d never expect something like that to ever happen in here.”
“Considering how weird everything is? No, me neither,” Pomni admitted, voice small. “It’s all… I don’t know. When I landed in here I expected a lot of stuff but never this.”
“I’m sorry you’ve been tossed into this.” Sounding genuinely sorry, Ragatha threw her a quick glance as they approached the others, sitting across the couches in the main area, everyone appearing as worn out and tired as Pomni felt right now — tough in a different aspect.
While they’d missed a few hours of sleep, she’d missed several days by now most likely, combined with the stress of keeping this nihilistic rabbit alive added on top of every other activity they could’ve done in the meantime.
Kinger was missing from the little assemble, though to nobody’s surprise. Pomni’s especially. She assumed him to be back in his fort, possibly working on a solution or catching up on sleep; unknowing if he was even lucid right now. She hadn’t really talked to him during the day in his fort, though it wouldn’t be a far shoot assuming he was actually lucid right now, using the artificial darkness of his little hideout to his advantage.
“Hey.” Zooble’s voice came serious, but gentle, tearing her right out of her thoughts. Their face said a lot Pomni couldn’t quite comprehend right now — just as last night, and she didn’t even question it anymore while taking a seat, Ragatha right next to her. She appreciated it.
“Hey.” The Jester’s tired, drab voice made a stark contrast to Zooble’s, almost disappearing in her own small, worn out frame.
Both parties eyed one another, each waiting for the other to go first — and one unknowing on how to even approach the situation, unknowing what questions might be brewing in the other’s head. In the end, it was again the toybox character speaking up, their voice remaining steadily soft.
“What happened last night?” They asked directly, and they did it with intent, though their tone told Pomni there was more to come. “Both you and Jax just… disappear, then there’s a sudden gunshot in the middle of the night — what’s going on? No one has seen you for days. We’re kind of worried.”
“I get that,” Pomni mumbled, one hand ruffling through her hair. “I really do, Zooble. And… I appreciate the worry. It’s just— complicated, and I don’t know how to even explain the entire situation.”
“Just spit it out,” Zooble suggested, leaning forward just a bit, their eyes locked onto the Jester. “No beating around the bush. I know this place hasn’t been kind to you, it hasn’t been to many of us. But we’re still… a family. And we can’t ignore stuff like this, especially if it also concerns Jax.”
Kicking her legs up in a criss-cross pattern, Pomni’s hands entangled one another, needing something to hold right now. Her nervousness threatened to take her over, and she feared not getting another word out. “I know. He’s a special case.”
“Yeah, that’s one way to put it. A pretty friendly one, too,” Zooble huffed, sitting back and crossing their arms across their chest, sporting a turquoise triangle today. “So what’s going on?”
The Jester bit her lip, taking a breath. There was two options laid out in front of her: An easy one, and a rather complex one. Both seemed more or less shitty to explain, and she’d rather simply go through with it.
A second deep breath later, Pomni sighed.
“He’s abstracting.”
Silence befell the already quiet group, one so heavy and fronting everyone took notice of the sudden shift in the room’s atmosphere. Even within the huge tent every sound seemed to disappear, drowned out by the group’s combined dread. Everyone acted differently, and Pomni saw a wide range of changes in their expressions and poses, though no one outright expressed their true emotions. Ragatha tensed up, her arm twitching like she wanted to reach out — to whom, or possibly herself, Pomni couldn’t tell. Gangle’s frown deepened, and even Zooble’s face lost it’s calm demeanor, eyes quickly darting to the side, avoiding looking at anyone.
It took them a while to respond properly, and again it was Zooble speaking up again. “Since when?”
“Since the Award’s Show. I didn’t know either until a day or two later when I left during Bubble’s… dinner,” Pomni explained, tugging on her pants as she spoke, her own eyes averted. “At first I thought he was simply stressed out by our argument we had, and then…”
“But how… does any of this make sense when he’s abstracted? Abstracted people aren’t— well, exactly people anymore. They don’t talk, and they attack on sight,” Ragatha interjected, seemingly nervous to do so. “I’ve seen plenty of them, sadly.”
“He’s not there yet. Well, he’s not at the same level of abstraction as someone like… Kaufmo was when I arrived,” the Jester explained, now looking up. “It’s dark spots all over his body that are gradually moving, and his eye has changed, but he’s not fully abstracted yet.”
Zooble wasn’t far behind the doll’s argument, tossing in their own opinion: “I have never heard of anything like that.”
Mumbles of agreement came from both Gangle and Ragatha, though they were both rather timid about it, exchanging small glances with one another.
“I have no clue about it either,” Pomni admitted. “But it is… there. And I already talked to Kinger about it.”
Zooble furrowed their brows. “Kinger? Why him of all people? Why not Caine?”
“Because Kinger’s the one person that might know more, and won’t simply… delete Jax’ file or move him into the cellar even though he hasn’t even fully abstracted. Yet,” the Jester added. “If there’s a solution to this… I want to find it. With every help possible.”
“There is no solution to abstraction,” Zooble objected, their expression sitting somewhere between confusion and already settled on their opinion. “Caine had never managed to decrypt them, and they’re all— gone. We don’t even know if the people in the cellar are truly them, or just remnants of their user data. It’s dangerous.”
Deep inside their voice there was sadness, and Pomni did not blame them one bit. Having seen the care and effort put into Kaufmo’s funeral she could only imagine how many people Zooble and the others had seen abstracting, lost forever.
“I know my position is… rather unique,” Pomni admitted, voice calm, though a shiver laid beneath her words. “I haven’t been here for too long, and I haven’t seen a whole lot regarding abstractions. I can’t argue I know them any better than you do. But Kinger… has mentioned that there might be a way to fix what’s wrong with Jax, and maybe… it could also help with other abstractions as well.”
“No way.” Zooble’s immediate response came quick, a face of disbelief accompanying it. “Abstractions are final. How could Kinger come to such conclusions?”
“How can we say it’s final when we’ve got such a unique case at our hands?” Pomni shot back, and the toybox character’s expression softened gradually, sighing at it’s end. “You said it yourself, you’ve never heard of something like that. But it is happening right now. And if Kinger can find something there might be more to finally understand abstractions — and hopefully either save those already abstracted, or prevent them in the future.”
“I feel like that’s a topic for another day,” Ragatha spoke up, nervously doing so, and leaning forward a tad. “What happened last night? The gun shot?”
“I had a gun with me,” Pomni outright admitted. No use beating around the bush. “Because I was still staying with him, and— if anything was to happen, abstraction or anything else, I wanted something to defend myself with. I forgot it in his room last night, and, well—…”
“He used it on himself.” Zooble’s reply came blunt, and it came with honesty. They didn’t seem surprised at all when Pomni nodded in response, and instead closed their eyes for a tad longer than any normal blink. “Figured.”
“It was bad.” Shifting around on her spot, Pomni felt uneasy in any position she assumed, hands trying their best to find anything to hold onto. “And it’s something I’m not going to get out of my head in the near future. I’ve helped injured people before, but never… someone who…” Her voice cracked. “Who— You know.” A hesitant hand gesture. She couldn’t bring herself to say it out loud.
Zooble’s expression turned concerned. “You okay?”
“No.” Hands grabbing onto the cloth of her pants tighter, even squeezing out this one singular word felt like heavy lifting Pomni wasn’t ready to take on herself. She felt bad — this wasn’t supposed to be about her, and it wasn’t even solely about Jax either — and here she sat, overtaken by emotions she couldn’t quite name or sort out, caused by a simple question and explanation she’d gone over in her head multiple times before falling asleep this morning.
Distress obvious to everyone involved, they exchanged quick glances with one another. Pomni felt Ragatha’s hand on her own and she flinched with a sharp inhale, quickly torn from spiraling even further into her emotional turmoil. Her eyes darted over to the ragdoll’s face, watching worry grow in her expression.
“Hey, it’s okay. If you need some time we surely can push this talk to a later point in time,” Ragatha offered, tilting her head. “You don’t have to force yourself through this.”
Pomni shook her head. “No, I can… I can do this,” she mumbled, releasing her tight grip and feeling the sweat glisten on her palm. “I can’t keep pushing this away, there’s just not enough time for that. Look, it’s a really weird situation and I have absolutely no clue why some of the things that happened… well, happened.” Her hands continued to gesture, grasping at anything, mostly trying to keep her stable enough to talk for the time being. “All I know is we have to trust Kinger… and hope it wont go bad.”
“But what if it goes bad?” Zooble argued, voice urgent and still calm. “What if Jax fully abstracts on the spot and we have the same situation you two had with Kaufmo?” Their eyes fixated both Ragatha and Pomni sitting next to one another. “But with worse outcomes — Caine hasn’t shown himself in days except that one time with Bubble, and even I fear there might be more to his behavior than usual. If something goes down and he isn’t willing or there to help, we’re f[ ]cked. Royally so.”
Their words held truth. A truth Pomni had confronted herself with before, though pushed it down, not knowing how to answer to those concerns. She had no idea what could happen, and she had no idea how they could contain it.
“I… don’t actually know,” she quietly admitted. “So far everything has worked out, but… the marks are spreading quickly and I’m not sure what will come after that.”
“How’s his behavior?” Zooble threw in a question Pomni hadn’t expected, and she blinked upwards, taken aback by the sudden shift in topic.
“Outside of that crash out last night? He’s pretty… mild compared to his usual behavior. A bit defensive and definitely not wanting to talk about certain stuff too much if it includes any of us, but he’s gotten more open and less abrasive I think…” Pomni shrugged. “He has told me a lot of stuff he’d normally never tell me even if his life depended on it.”
Leaning forward slightly, Zooble squinted. “How much time to you think we have left? Could Kinger finish something that might help in time?”
“That’s something you gotta ask him I fear,” Pomni sighed. “I don’t know how far he’s gotten along, but I can visit him later and ask if that helps?”
“That’d be the best.” Zooble’s expressions grew harder to read with each question asked from their mouth, and they made a gesture akin to someone massaging their temples — quite obviously overwhelmed with the new information they all had just received. “If Caine cannot be trusted with this matter — and to be honest, I’m not even surprised… we can leave him out of the picture, I suppose.”
The Jester’s face lit up at those words, relief washing over her in crashing waves. If Zooble was willing to follow along the others wouldn’t be too far behind, considering their respect and trust in the toybox character. It felt… comforting in a sense. A family doing decisions together instead of simply walking over one another.
“Though,” Zooble began again, voice stern. “I will hesitate protecting myself and the others should something go awry with him,” they added — a promise Pomni knew they’d keep. “If he suddenly goes haywire for no reason or abstracts and makes it our problem? Yeah, no. Not going along peacefully with that.”
“I’d never ask of that,” Pomni spoke, her own voice tinted by the slightest bit of uncertainty. Could she even defend or possibly attack him if something was to happen? She didn’t know, and Zooble picked up on it, their eyes focusing on Pomni’s small frame. “I honestly didn’t even expect any of you to go along with it at all. It… means a lot that you’re willing to tolerate it as long as nothing happens. And I hope there will be no reason for anything to happen at all.”
“Me too. I do hope so, yeah.”
As the others were dispersing, Pomni felt a hand on her arm and flinched, to which it immediately retreated. Turning her head she saw Zooble standing behind her, expression a hybrid between exhaustion and worry.
“You don’t seem like you’re doing all too well”, they bluntly stated, and the Jester couldn’t help but sigh quietly. Of course they’d be the one she couldn’t hide it from.
“I’m not.” She met Zooble’s face with her own worn out eyes, dark circles lining them like macabre make-up — darker than usual, rivaling her blackened eyelids. “I’m doing pretty awful, to be honest, but there’s not a whole lot of choices I have right now. Or options. I can’t leave him alone for too long, especially not now.”
“I get that.” Voicing their understanding, Zooble sighed. “I really do. When I was still at home I took care of my grandparents for a long while until their passing. It’s not a rewarding thing to do, but it sure is a good deed, and no matter how much I despise Jax for his behavior, he’s still one of us. And no one deserves a fate like abstraction.”
Pomni’s silence following Zooble’s words didn’t last long, and she knew exactly what to ask: “Would any of you have cared for him if you knew before?”
“Most likely.” Zooble shrugged. “Though I’ll be completely honest with you, it’d be Ragatha who’d take that opportunity. I wouldn’t let Gangle anywhere near him in that state, and I… you’ve seen us.”
“Yeah, I have. Which is why I ask,” Pomni mumbled. “It didn’t seem like anyone would… look out for him, and I felt bad if I hadn’t done it. The fight we had was so weird and I couldn’t get my mind off of it. That wasn’t a fight or argument I’ve ever seen him have with any of you. Not that I wish for that.”
“It’s complicated. Jax wouldn’t help any of us either.” Their parts clicked softly as Zooble switched up their position a bit, uneven legs making it hard to stand in one spot for too long. “He certainly did not help when actual friends of his abstracted.”
“You trying to persuade me from helping him?” Raising an eyebrow, Pomni couldn’t help but ask that question. She was frankly too tired to remain anything but blunt towards Zooble’s words. “I know he’s not a good person. And he’s actively tried to never become anything but a bad person with a mask. Though…” She sighed, tension falling off of her shoulders, and she made some helpless gestures. “Seeing a different side made me question everything I’ve grown to know about him during my time here. It certainly doesn’t feel like an act. And I just hope… that last night’s happenings might’ve changed his perspective.”
“I hope so, too,” Zooble admitted, eyes soft. “Even if he’d ruined his chance with me and the others, he seemingly didn’t ruin it with you. And I don’t wish bad things to happen to anyone, no matter how much I might despise them personally. You got a good heart. And he could use some of that.”
The Jester’s face could’ve said so much, and yet it appeared nothing more but hollow and tired when she looked back up at Zooble. “I wish I could have the same confidence everyone seems to have in me.”
“It’s hard to see your own abilities and success sometimes,” they spoke. “Though that doesn’t mean they don’t exist, and their influence on people is the greatest success, even if you yourself can’t see it yet.”
“I hope I can see some influence soon,” she mumbled in response, “otherwise this all feels like… nothing. Spending so much time and energy to help, and it might end in absolution. Doesn’t feel great.”
“It’s not supposed to. Though you’ve come further than any of us had ever did — whether we’ve tried or not,” Zooble said, and their face showed what came close to a smile, even if they lacked some of the parts needed for that. “I’ve seen you two.”
Pomni blinked upwards in curiosity. “You did?”
“Well, yeah. It wasn’t hard to see the chemistry.” An almost playful scoff came from them. “The stolen glances, the remarks, almost everything the two of you did.”
Getting flustered all of a sudden, the Jester started shuffling around, hands never staying exactly still as she pushed her shirt’s short sleeves up and down, eyes averting Zooble’s gaze. Feeling herself even blush subtly underneath her digital, artificial one Pomni cleared her throat. “I didn’t even think it’d be that… noticeable.”
“It was. But not in a bad way. Though, before this talk I admit I didn’t understand why anyone would be around Jax for longer than a few minutes on their own volition.” Shrugging, Zooble’s face changed to something more lax. Watching all of Pomni’s little antics as her feelings were addressed they seemed rather amused. “Either he pushes someone away, or… well, it’s more likely he pushes them away. Almost no one that used to hang around with him had left on their own accord, it always happened after he became hostile with them. Like he’d done with Gangle.”
“What even happened between them?” Pomni asked, curiosity getting the better of her. “I’ve always wondered.”
“Not really my story to tell you,” Zooble commented. “That’s something between Jax and Gangle, and I don’t even know all the details. And I don’t need to. The behavior all of us have seen on the surface is already enough in my opinion, he’s not a good influence on her. It honestly surprised me to see that he began treating you so differently.”
Questioningly raising an eyebrow Pomni couldn’t help but chuckle joylessly at Zooble’s words. “Was it really that different, though? To me it felt like the same, just less… mean. Still humiliating and brash, though.”
“If Jax really wanted to be genuinely hurtful to you, he would’ve done so already,” Zooble admitted. “He can be much worse if he truly doesn’t like someone. You’ve seen him with Ragatha. These two got their own level of issues with one another, and they were so much worse before you came here. Moreso on Jax’ side.”
“Yeah, I noticed that too,” Pomni sighed. “Ragatha didn’t appear like she was all too happy to start conflicts except that one time during the softball adventure. Can’t blame her, though. She’d taken so much s[ ]it from Jax already, she just… broke.”
“I’m not even surprised,” Zooble commented, a scoff in their demeanor and voice. “Jax had it coming for him. He’s never been a good friend to her, no matter how hard she’d tried in her own ways.”
They turned to their side, making a few steps towards the hallway, and Pomni followed suit as soon as she realized Zooble was waiting on her — inviting her to continue the talk on their way to the rooms.
“But maybe that’s also the reason he pushed her away so adamantly. Who knows,” they continued, shrugging. “That’s Jax for you. I stopped questioning his motives a long time ago, it just wasn’t worth it.”
“Yeah, that’s… fair,” Pomni sighed. “To be completely honest, I try to stop myself from questioning it, too. I just want him to change for the better, and see the hurt he’s been dishing out to all of you… in different ways. No one deserves to be bullied like that, even if there’d been personal conflict before. It’s just sad to see him treat everyone with that much viscious behavior sometimes. Especially Ragatha and Gangle. They both seem to be hit by the worst of him.”
“There’s been times where I truly felt anger to a point of throwing hands — literally and figuratively,” Zooble admitted, though with a low chuckle somewhere in their voice. “When he’s getting all up into Gangle’s business and tries to ruin anything she remotely enjoys — though it wouldn’t do much. Jax isn’t the person to really fear repercussions it seems.”
“Oh he very much does.” A laugh she couldn’t quite keep back escaped Pomni, recalling the few times she’d either physically or verbally beaten that man up — and how he’d reacted to it. “Trust me. Though I’m not sure if his reaction depends on the person actually throwing hands.”
“If you ever need a hand to throw just tell me. I might have a part that hurts just enough to make him reconsider whatever he’d done to warrant having s[ ]it thrown at him,” they spoke, and got another laugh from the Jester walking alongside them. “I might still have some of the grenades Caine hid in my room during the gun adventure. They work wonders.”
“I’ve seen that,” Pomni chortled, thinking back to the fight they had. “Your stunt with the 4 arms was pretty wicked. Didn’t even consider that could happen at all.”
“When you got an avatar like mine you’ll eventually grow to get creative with it,” Zooble spoke, a distant emotion in their voice that came close to disdain. “Not much choice left but make the best out of it.”
“Yeah… that’s… honestly my main way of going about this life now. Just make the best of it and don’t question things — unless it’s something coming from another person.” Realizing they’d arrived at Jax’ door, Pomni halted before turning her head towards Zooble again.
“Thanks for the talk.” She smiled, her hand lingering on the doorknob. “I really needed that.”
“Anytime.” Nodding towards their own door, the toybox character continued: “I might not be the best in giving advice when it comes to Jax, but I sure do know how to listen to people if they need to. Some leftovers from my time as bartender I guess. Feel free to drop by if you need some space to breathe.”
“Thanks. I’ll keep it in mind.” With that, Pomni opened the door, entering from light back into the darkness, and enclosing herself in it fully again.
She felt exhausted, though in a good way. Maybe she could catch up the lost hours of sleep from last night with a quick nap — and that she did. Crawling back into the bed next to Jax’ still sleeping frame she curled into the sheets, closing her eyes.
A knock on the door some hours later tore her right from said nap, and Pomni’s head shot up as she heard it.
Eyes quickly darting over to Jax showed he was awake, sitting on the bed by himself, holding something in his hands she couldn’t quite tell.
No movement came from him, and so it was on Pomni to answer the door.
Upon opening it, she was met face to face with a certain ragdoll and her nervous antics. In a sense it didn’t even surprise her — after everything today, and the truth finally coming out, there’d been a lingering suspicion inside of Pomni’s mind of Ragatha being the first to approach them. Whatever had happened between Jax and her in the past it seemingly never let it’s grasp go of the doll, heightening any tension between them with each day passing where they both ignored it straight up.
Still a bit sleepy, Pomni blinked, rubbing one hand over her eye to get her vision started — right now, everything was still hazed and blurry. “Oh, hey. What’s up?”
“Hey. Not much, uh— is Jax here?” What a stupid question, Ragatha thought to herself, of course he’s in his room. Where else would he be, especially now?
Fiddling with her hands, she took a few seconds to formulate her question. She’d rather turn around on her heels and run, though she knew it’d only prolong things she needed to get done. Who knew how much there was left for them, now that she knew about his condition and abstraction?
Then, she brought herself to ask: “Is he… awake?”
“Yeah. Why?” Genuine surprise on her face, Pomni tilted her head, door still in hand. It quietly creaked as it moved in it’s hinges. “You wanna talk to him?”
“Yes.” A sigh of relief escaped Ragatha, being freed from having to say it aloud herself. “I’d love to, if he’s up for it.”
“I can ask,” Pomni offered, taking a look over her shoulder towards the bed. Jax was good at ignoring the conversation at the door by the way he appeared as unbothered as one could be. Deep down, he was fuming — though it wasn’t just all that. There was more, and he was about to find out.
Ragatha nodded, still washed over by relief — and anxiety. “That’d be lovely.”
Gifting her a little smile, Pomni nodded. “Hold on.”
Closing the door she turned her head towards Jax, still sitting on the bed, ears perked. He’d one-hundred percent heard their talk, and knew it was Ragatha standing on the other side of the door.
The Jester didn’t even have to say anything. A faint nod came from him — and surprise appeared on Pomni’s face in response. That’s… something she hadn’t expected, actually agreeing to talk to Ragatha after everything.
Especially now. Gentle smile scrawling across her face, Pomni opened the door again.
“He said yes.”
Even the Ragdoll’s face lit up with surprise, and she seemed taken aback by it too, hand raised in slight shock. “That came unexpected.”
“I know. You wanna talk in here? Might be the best option considering the lights won’t go out for another hour or two,” Pomni added, nodding towards the hallway’s bright ceiling, and Ragatha gave her an approving nod. “Alright. Come in. I can leave you two alone, I gotta talk to Kinger anyways.”
“That’s kind of you,” Ragatha commented, stepping in with a smile directed towards the Jester. “Are you going to lock the door?”
“Yeah. But I can leave the key with you, so you can leave at any time. As long as you return it to me… and if it’s alright with you.” These last few words were directed at Jax, who’s head came up.
One of his ears flicked, and he gave her a little: “Huh?”
“Can I give your door key to Ragatha? So she can leave when she’s done and I’m not back yet?” Waving the little golden key, Pomni threw him a questioning glance. “You don’t have to say Yes if you don’t want to, I can keep it and just wait outside in the hallway until you’re done.”
It took Jax a few moments to reply, pondering his options before softly sighing, his posture straining a bit more as he wrapped his arms around himself.
“You can give it to her,” he mumbled, almost more to himself than Pomni.
A faint smile showed itself on the Jester’s face — not simply because he’d allowed her to make things easier, but because he allowed Ragatha to have this unrestricted access and trust to his door, the same way he’d put good faith on her to look over this treasured little item.
“Alright. I’ll leave you two to it then,” Pomni spoke, grabbing her things. “And see what Kinger’s doing.”
“Catch you later!” Waving, Ragatha extended her hand for a moment until the door fell into it’s lock, before turning towards Jax, still sitting in the darkness of his room on the bed.
The only thing successfully cutting through the dim atmosphere were his eyes, one a familiar yellow, the other oddly and weirdly discolored into several rings.
It reminded Ragatha of the eyes she’d seen on Kaufmo and the other abstractions she’d experienced in her time.
She grasped at the edges of her skirt. Anything to keep her hands busy, and from gesturing around aimlessly. “How are you doing?”
“How do you think I’m doing?” Jax threw her a glance from his side eye. “Take a guess.”
“I would’ve assumed not great.” Without much hesitation, Ragatha sat down on the opposite side of the bed, keeping distance between them. “Considering the circumstances.”
“Congratulations,” he mumbled into the palm of his hand cradling his face, head turned away. “You guessed correctly. What do you want from me?”
“I’d like to talk to you.” Ragatha kept herself collected, and calm, trying to remember Kinger’s words. “Just that. A talk. About… anything, really. Whatever comes to mind.”
“I’m surprised you’re even still talking to me.” A sneer appeared in his face, though part of his theatrics — again. “Or is it simply because I’m abstracting and you pity me, and want to ease your mind before time’s up?”
“Not exactly. I always planned talking to you, though I never knew how to start it. You could use some kindness in your life regardless if you’re abstracting or not, you know?” It was merely meant as a joke, though Ragatha easily witnessed Jax taking it serious, and he sneered quite visibly in her direction.
“What use is there in being nice and kind all the damn time?” He asked, challengingly so, and she knew exactly that he was trying to find a crack in her facade. She wasn’t going to let him, and it made the rabbit antsy. His body language said as much, hands being all over the place, face turned into a scowl she’d rarely if ever seen him in. “It’s painful, that’s all. To watch, and to execute. There’s nothing to it, just hollow phrases and play-pretend that you actually care about someone when in reality you don’t.”
“Being nice… doesn’t hurt.” Ragatha threw him a patient glance, watching how Jax averted her face inbetween quick, hastily made replies. “Especially when you’re giving it a try, you know?”
“But it never lasts. Why would you waste your time being nice when there’s nothing remaining of it after a while?” Jax sounded genuinely confused, eyes searching for answers in the ragdoll’s face with intent she couldn’t quite place yet.
Her inability to let herself crack at his demeanor had profoundly messed with his perception of her, and it seemed… wrong. Jax knew her as the doll easily falling apart, losing her temper, losing her kindness when she was aggravated, and he’d pulled all tricks he knew in how to make her upset through his words alone. Anything else felt too damn tiring right now. Ragatha took some time with her reply to him, taking in his words and leaning back in her chair, hands playing with one another. And instead of calling her out or even making a snarky remark about it, the rabbit remained quiet, tired eyes watching her every movement until she felt ready to talk again.
“Niceness… does last,” she finally spoke up, gathering the courage to talk back to Jax. After all, every earlier attempt had lead to arguments, him raising his voice, gesturing so aggressively that Ragatha had rather backed down and apologized in fear of escalating the situation beyond those points. This time however, he remained silent, and she continued, voice trembling: “Despite everything, my father was a nice man. As was my brother. And I still remember them fondly, and all memories I have of them bring… joy. I think of them, and whenever I do there’s happiness that helps me get through tough times.”
She sighed. “My mother however… she wasn’t nice. Not at all. A woman incapable of saying anything friendly, or even feeling joy. In a sense you… kind of remind me of her. Demeaning, bullying, putting others down — for whatever reason.”
She watched his expression change, almost unreadable, though clearly taken aback by her words. Eyes darting to the side, Jax turned his head the same way, but he remained seated — and his ears continued to perk upwards. So, Ragatha continued.
“I’d love for people to remember me in the same, fond ways.” She dared an earnest smile this time. “Don’t remember that washing blood from your clothes will become worse with each instance of it appearing. Don’t repeat the same old mistakes over things that will get you nowhere, Jax. You still have a chance…”
“Why does everyone keep saying that? Why can’t you just— keep to yourselves? All of you?” He whipped around, ears pinned back in anger, though his eyes spoke a whole other language.
Ragatha witnessed profound confusion and sadness intertwined in light, mismatched eyes, finding herself struggling with actually looking into his abstracted one. Every time she tried it appeared as if her own gaze snapped back to the old, familiar yellow eye sporting a pinpoint pupil staring her down. When their eyes met, Jax abruptly turned his head, mouth pressed into a scowl.
“Because it’s the truth. You’ve… closed off a ton of paths, that’s true. But you’re still going, so there must be a road remaining, and who’s to say there can’t be new paths branching off in the future?” She dared to ask.
“You got that from a therapist?” Jax scoffed. “Or Kinger?”
“A bit of both,” Ragatha admitted, and despite the sting his words left in her chest and the bitter taste on her tongue, she remained calm instead of retreating. She was done running from him, done running from the talk they’d pushed in front of them for so long now. “And it seems like you could use them, too.”
“I already had my psych evaluation with him, so I don’t think I’d need another one. But thanks.” Drawing in his legs he hugged them, making himself smaller than he’d ever been in her presence.
Ragatha took notice. Small movements, even just the subtle twitches changing his expression in ways spoke louder words than any of those he actually verbalized towards her.
“Despite everything, we’re still people. Humans.” She leaned forward, and he remained stationary. “We do routines, not because we need them, but because we feel for them. They make us human, next to our personalities. We have emotions, we’re angry, we’re happy, we… fall in love.” Her eyes darted to the side real quick, and Jax saw it. “Sometimes we don’t know what to do, and other times we’re so overwhelmed it becomes our detriment.”
Ragatha’s gaze befell onto Jax again, grazing over his lower body where the waistband of his pants barely managed to cover up the bandage over his injury from last night. He saw this, immediately turning to the side, no longer allowing her to look at it.
“Humanity can be so many things.” Without missing a beat, the doll continued. “And… a big part of it is just messing up. Again and again. That’s human. It’s not great, and if it affects others it’s… bad, but at the end of the day it’s all what makes us people, no matter what we look like.”
“You’re one to talk,” Jax replied, a low growl accompanying his words. “You at least look human enough for that to work. If you haven’t noticed, I’m a damn rabbit. I look like a rabbit, and sometimes? I do feel like it, too. Now tell me, doll, how am I supposed to feel like a proper person when all I stare at in the mirror is an animal.” He took a deep breath, exhaling it sharply. “I became an animal, a caricature of a person.”
“Does your appearance define who you are?” Ragatha accompanied her question with a tilt of her head. “You’re still… you. No matter what body, or well, vessel you embody, the person inside of your mind is the person you were and still will be in the real world. Whoever that might be. You’ve played so many roles and mask I can barely tell anymore who the real Jax is supposed to be. And if you cannot even answer it for yourself… who can?”
“Nobody,” he figured, and she nodded, to which he rolled his eyes — though with less vigor and annoyance behind it than usual, and rather a desperate attempt to keep his unbothered mask from slipping, not knowing it had slipped the second he allowed Ragatha to enter his room and raise her voice.
“Exactly. No one can find yourself for you, Jax. Not me, not Pomni. And certainly none of the other.” Raising her hand slightly it lingered far too long in the air. “I know there’s no beating around the bush with this one. We both know a lot happened… and this… Circus is not nice to any of us. We’ve lost people, we’ve experienced grief far removed from what we know about it — yet we persist. Must persist I’d argue. To return to our normal lives one day.”
“Why are you out of all people so keen on returning?” Jax argued, casting a glance of many emotions towards Ragatha; one filled with confusion, defensiveness and quite challenging too. “I thought you hated your previous life.”
His words hit pretty hard, and that much became evident when Ragatha’s own eyes slowly went to the side, followed by her head turning away as well, one hand tugging at the seams of her elbow patch stitched on her skin.
“A body constantly requiring attention and needed to be sewn back together after each adventure isn’t a whole lot of fun,” she replied. “As much as I dread the mental toll of returning to a the real world — it is at least a world I’m familiar with, one where I can be human again without worrying for a body like this.”
A sigh escaped her, and she scooted just a tad closer again. This time, he flinched, and she halted her movement. “Don’t you wish to return, too?”
“Not really. There’s nothing I could return to,” Jax admitted, and his sudden brashness took her by surprise. She wouldn’t have expected him to be honest about it at all. “We both know Ribbit’s gone.”
“Was she your only reason to try and escape?” A blunt question, but they both knew it’s answer. The look Jax threw her was enough for Ragatha to know it already. Yes. “I see.”
“Might as well just stay in here and ruin my life,” he continued, joyless smile plastered on his face, ears pinned back in anger — not directed at her, but rather himself. “Giving up easily is pathetic, but what else is there anymore? Hurting people, simply accepting my fate.”
“I don’t think you’ve given up just yet,” Ragatha argued, softly. “Otherwise you wouldn’t have let Pomni in close. I know you, Jax, as much as you hate acknowledging it. And maybe I hate it too, you’ve hurt me. But her? It’s different. Though I am not sure if she deserves the pain you’ve put her through.”
“She doesn’t. We both know it.” Jax turned his face towards the doll. “I’ve seen the looks you’ve given her.”
He could almost witness Ragatha’s cheeks reddening in real time — and she was quick to change the topic.
“It’s not like that— I appreciate her, and she’s a good person from what I’ve learned about her. She… appears like she needs someone to talk to about her issues, too, you know?” She sighed. “I can’t just stand by and let it eat her from the inside without at least offering some way to deal with it…”
He didn’t reply. All he gave her was a look from his peripheral vision, and it stung deeply in her chest.
“Alright.” It became evidently clear to Ragatha how much Jax wanted to push her out of the room, though his silence was the only indicator — normally, he would’ve already tried getting rid of her through means of being loud and unapologetically brash. Not even tried, he would’ve successfully gotten rid of her through his pushy, aggressive demeanor, though this time he simply… did nothing. And it hurt her more than any push or shove or mean remark would’ve ever done. “I’ll leave you be then.”
As she got up from the bed, a shakily exhaled sigh got her attention, though it didn’t stop her from moving towards the door. Only when her hand laid on the knob to open it, the doll suddenly heard him speak up again.
“Thank you. For… the talk, I guess. And for looking out for Pomni’s well being.”
A muttered appreciation spoken through clenched teeth and walls of hesitation, and Ragatha knew these two words have not come easy to him. She turned her head just enough to witness him hunched over on the bed, his own eyes staring down onto the spot she’d been sitting in — a faint dent in the blankets, rustled, signs of her having been here.
“You’re welcome. For both.” Ragatha paused. “If you need another talk… you know where to find me.”
An offer she didn’t extend easily, and they both knew. Their past didn’t allow for anything good to come off their tongues easily. She witnessed him nod. Without another word exchanged she left the room and locked the door, like Pomni had told her to, before leaning against the oaken shield separating her from Jax. Static filled the air surrounding her, and it took Ragatha a few seconds before she could properly breathe again; shakily so, but still a breath nontheless.
It alleviated her chest from this tight heaviness, feeling like someone was sitting on it throughout the entire confrontation with Jax. She couldn’t believe her own senses, her own hearing. He’d thanked her. Not just for speaking with Pomni, no — that she would’ve taken without surprise. It was him thanking her for the talk between them, despite his reaction towards the end, despite the snippy comments he’d made.
She felt utterly confused by her own emotions towards that, and before she could lost herself Ragatha made a mental cut. Standing upright again, taking a deep breath, hands removing folds from her skirt and upper dress before continuing on to her own room.
In other places, there was a much happier atmosphere despite the heaviness polluting the air. This time, Pomni didn’t just wait around in front of the fort, instead kneeling down to get in. She didn’t even have to go down that far considering her height, and she called out for Kinger the second she entered as to not surprise him negatively. Rustling and shuffling in the farther areas could be heard, before the Called emerged from the dim shadows.
“Hey,” Pomni greeted, looking up at the chess piece standing in front of her, shifting weight from one foot to the other. No matter how often she’d approached Kinger already, it always felt somewhat intimidating — especially during his lucid moments. “I was… just checking in to see how you’re doing.”
“I’m glad you’ve come by,” Kinger exclaimed, hands eagerly waving about as he guided her through the fort into what could only be described as his ‘living room’, though it’d been re-functioned into a workspace of some sort. "I have something to show you."
Things were half-haphazardly strewn about, tools she didn’t quite recognize, books opened at different pages, closed ones having several colorful stickers sticking out of their pages like he’d been marking important spots to re-read at a later date. It felt comfortable, and familiar at the same time, reminding her of her own apartment at times when she’d been studying or looking up certain topics.
“How are thing’s going?” Taking a seat, Pomni looked up at the chess piece passing throughout the room, shuffling things around and making some space. Whatever he’d been doing it visibly consumed not only his time, but also his personal space within the fort’s boundaries.
“I actually did make quite the progress, which can speak for itself,” Kinger exclaimed, chuckling to himself, and set down the box he’d been carrying before returning his attention to his guest once more. “It had surprised even more, but in a good way of course. I’d rather make unexpected quick progress than painstakingly slow one.”
“Can you show me?”
“Most certainly.” A playful glint sparked in his eyes, as he watched out for Pomni’s reaction, witnessing the woman’s interested head tilt. “Look.”
With a soft clap of his gloved hands, a butterfly appeared between them as soon as they separated again. It happened fast, though with grace, and as the little digital being unfolded it’s wings faintly glowing within the fort’s darkness, the Jester leaned forward with eyes wide open.
“Wow.” Pomni couldn’t help but express her surprise, exhaling with a triumphant grin. It seemed like with this one motion, her hope had been restored at least to a small degree, and she scooted over closer, careful not to touch the insect. “It’s… beautiful. Is it finished?”
Kinger shook his head. “Not yet. It will take a few more days. But I am confident in my own work that I will be able to produce something that’ll succeed in repairing damaged code files. I didn’t study it for nothing,” he added, quite amused at his own words. “Finally those seven years come into fruition — and are used for good.”
“I’m glad to hear that,” Pomni admitted, shuffling in a bit closer to throw glances at Kinger’s doings from time to time. She didn’t quite understand what he was doing, though it came off as quite interesting, and she couldn’t help watching his hands move. “I really hope we have these few days you need, though.”
“We better have them,” Kinger sighed, gently moving his hands and letting the butterfly disappear before assuming a seat of his own on the chair across from the sofa, his eyes still lingering on the Jester. “There’s no other option available right now.”
“Are you sure we cannot involve Caine after all? He doesn’t seem like he wants any harm,” Pomni brought forward, shoulders shrugging in light confusion. “At least no intentional harm. If he truly does care about the player’s happiness, why wouldn’t he aid us in helping create… well, something akin to happiness.”
Kinger’s look of uncertainty didn’t go past Pomni. His eyes seemed thoughtful, as if he’d been trying his very best to get behind her words.
“Caine is not programmed to be anyone’s friend or alliance,” he spoke, folding his hands in his lap. “He’s programmed for one task, and one task only, it’s been evidently clear how much everyone dislikes said task he’s put out.”
“The adventures?” Pomni guessed.
“Exactly.” Kinger sighed, rarely shown exhaustion making itself known in it. “That’s… his art. His true magnum opus. And despite wanting to please the players, he’s not someone you should confide in as a friend.”
She needed to ask her next question, it desperately ached within her chest to know. There were so many things the Jester couldn’t quite grasp, and it appeared as if Kinger had more knowledge to share. “How… do you know so much?”
The look he gave her was anything but empty — heavy with meaning, a message the chess piece couldn’t quite speak aloud, for his memories were too fuzzy to form words relating to this revelation.
“This world, as strange as it may be, is still following rules I’ve managed to slowly get behind,” he spoke — not a lie, but not entirely the truth either. “If you’re in here for long enough you start to recognize patterns, boundaries, rules and systems that are entirely digital and pre-programmed. At the end of the day, it’s all simple computer science.”
“Computer science and simple in the same breath?” Pomni’s mouth twitched, barely showing an amused smile for the fraction of a second. “That sounds way more complex.”
“It very much is complex, even for me. I might know a lot, but that did not come out of nowhere I fear.” Kinger sighed. “But this isn’t the time to speak about such things. We have greater topics and opportunities at hand that need addressing. But…” He hesitated. “I promise you, there will be a time where I can properly tell you more about it. How does that sound?”
“Sounds good.” Despite wanting to hear more, Pomni complied, pushing down the burning desire to finally get behind Kinger’s story and connection to this place.
Her mind had already made up several ideas and theories, though she silenced them for the time being. He was right — they had more urgent matters to attend to. “I think I should be going back now. It’s pretty late.”
Almost instinctively she turned over her wrist, finding it barren, and sighing. She’d forgotten the wrist watch in Jax’ room.
“Don’t worry. If you come by tomorrow, I can show you more progress.” Kinger got up from his place, offering to bring her to the front of the fort. “I’m confident I’ll have a break-through tonight.”
“That’d be amazing,” she replied, giving him a thankful smile. “It means so much to me that you’re doing this whenever you can.”
“Oh, don’t you worry. It’s giving me something to do instead of sitting and pondering throughout the night.” He chuckled, though it sounded vaguely sad — dealing with memories that only came to him during this time of day certainly wasn’t easy, nor was it much fun. They rarely were of the good kind. “I’m happy you came by to visit, too.”
“Anytime.” Pomni couldn’t help but return the smile. “I like talking to you. It’s… almost soothing I suppose. A rare occurrence in here, but I’m glad it exists nontheless.”
A sudden sadness threatened to dull a spark in the chess piece’s blue eyes for barely a second before retreating again. Her words had hit deeper than he’d imagined them to be, though being a source of comfort wasn’t a foreign concept to Kinger. Especially not after their little gun adventure — and the time at the haunted mansion together. It was the least he could give the players, after everything they’d been through.
“Well, that’s what age does to you. It gives you the ability to help the younger folks with their issues sometimes,” Kinger admitted, putting few of his thoughts into words. “Whether they’re digital or not.”
They both came to a halt at the fort’s entrance, and Pomni took a deep breath released as sigh.
She felt torn, wanting to sit in here for a bit longer and watching Kinger work, though she knew it was late — and she didn’t want to distract him for too long.
“Alright then,” she spoke up. “I’ll see you tomorrow night then.”
“Tomorrow night it is,” Kinger nodded, expression soft. He enjoyed the little visits — it felt less empty in the fort when someone was around, even though those moments were rare. Being branded as the insane One hadn’t helped filling that certain type of emptiness One experienced after loss. And looking at these folks surrounding him? They needed someone to not lose themselves entirely. “Have a good night, Pomni.”
Her smile grew earnestly. “Thanks. You too.”
Pomni approached Jax’ room in the hallway with slow steps, hand lingered above the knob for too long to be coincidental once she reached it. She knew the second it’d open there would be something hiding behind it — something of weight, and she couldn’t even tell why she felt that way. Something static in the air, crackling like an awaiting thunderstorm far in the distance in the middle of the day waiting to happen and release all of this pent up energy across the land; petrichor of spent rain already filling the air with it’s own sweet scent.
She had gotten the key back from Ragatha minutes earlier, and had seen the strange expression on the doll’s face — why, she could only guess. Possibly thanks to the talk she had with Jax earlier, but it wasn’t her place to ask. Pomni was certain Ragatha would tell her about it once she felt right to do so.
The opening door threw a faint, creaking sound into the room, waking him from a superficial slumber meant to alleviate him of this awful exhaustion running deeply throughout his body, only heightened by Ragatha’s visit. Her words had managed to hit hard and crawled underneath his skin, threatening to suffocate him if he didn’t at least try and distract himself from it.
Jax immediately took notice of her drab face, and sat up to meet her lowered gaze with mild concern in his own expression. “You okay?”
She shook her head. “Just tired. That’s all. Tired of life, tired of existing, and tired from barely sleeping.” Flopping face first into the bed, Pomni felt the blanket being dragged over her, and she sighed. “Not sure if I can even fall asleep right now. I’m so… worked up over everything!”
Her response made him raise an eyebrow. “Did something happen at Kinger’s?”
“No, not really. Nothing bad I suppose. We just… talked for a long while, and he actually made some progress, I asked some question and that’s it.” Pomni looked over, watching the change in his expression. “What about you? How did that talk with Ragatha go?”
“Could’ve been better, but eh.” Jax shrugged it off quite easily. “It was… interesting. Didn’t know she picked up some therapist talk from Kinger. But… at least it wasn’t unpleasant.”
“Must’ve been a while since the last talk. You two never seemed to get along too well from what I saw these past weeks.”
“We were friends once. Stuff happened, you know… and it broke off.” Hugging his knees again, he looked over. “The Circus isn’t exactly a place to have long-lasting, healthy relationships in, but you can certainly try.”
“Don’t tell about, I’ve gotten a pretty good taste of that experience these past couple pf days.” Despite the faint jest in her voice, Pomni’s face was anything but serious. She meant her words — and Jax saw that, too.
His next statement reflected it quite decently. “You deserve someone better to call your friend.”
She almost rolled her eyes at his demeanor. “Oh, shut up.”
“No, I mean it. If we were in the real world I’d ask myself even more why you’re sticking out riding out this nightmare roller-coaster instead of simply getting off.”
“Yeah, that’s what I ask myself on the daily, too. And I guess it’s just…” Her hand gestured helplessly. “I dunno.”
“You can’t resist my manly charms and quirks?” Jax found himself with a pillow to the face, which he didn’t catch in time, and threw it right back — missing barely by inches. “Good shot.”
“Yeah, I learned that from you,” Pomni mumbled, grabbing another pillow — not to throw this time, but to wrap her arms around and lean her head against. Twisted in a rather uncomfortable looking position she looked back up at Jax, her eyes meeting a lazy grin in a rather tired face. They both must be looking like hell right now. “How are you coming to this topic, anyways? All of sudden, I mean.”
“I was just thinking.” His smile faltered faintly, before his mask fell, followed by an exhausted sigh. “When I was… unconscious, I was apparently transferred somewhere. It appeared to be a place our consciousnesses go to when our… vessel, avatar, body, whatever’s out of commission.”
Jax hesitated before continuing on. “When I was in there, I met some old memories of mine. Suppressed ones, most likely. I’ve never had this happen to me before, so I don’t even know.” His eyes darted to the side, and he saw Pomni still listening, eagerly so, her head tilted in that fashion he’d grown to know. So he spoke up again. “I saw a memory of Ribbit in there. She called me out on a lot of things, and even though it wasn’t… her, I knew she was speaking the truth. I mean, she was made from my memories — so maybe… there’s something still hidden inside of me, the truth of how I feel about a lot of things. You, me, us, myself… humanity, I suppose…”
“What did she say?”
“A lot. Mainly being mad at me for denying my own humanity, which is her good right.” He sighed. “She’s been robbed of her chance at ever becoming human again — I haven’t experienced that. I didn’t abstract right away, and I’m still here despite everything. Whoever’s in charge of making up the rules for this world apparently wants me alive, and to do something before I fully lose the ability to.” A joyless chuckle escaped him, a chortle shaking his shoulders. “She also knew exactly how I felt regarding you.”
When Jax didn’t continue the sentence, Pomni leaned forward — just slightly, but enough for her hair to move over her shoulders. “Well?”
“She called me right out my feelings for you. Point blank. Maybe it was just my own memories and mind calling me out on something I wasn’t ready to admit just yet.” Taking a shaky breath, Jax tried his best to remain calm and relaxed — at least appearing like it, despite the ongoing silent screaming he was experiencing internally at the same time.
Her silence and quiet tugging at the blanket almost made Jax ask, but he didn’t have to. The Jester scooted around on her seat, before finally raising her voice again.
“Maybe I do have feelings for you.” She shrugged, though it appeared more helpless than anything. Pomni wasn’t entirely sure how to voice her emotions, and it showed. Though she’d never been great at it, no matter who’d stood in front of her — family members, friends, past lovers. At least those serious enough to even consider having this conversation with. “It’s… complex. More than the average I’d say.”
“I dare you to actually have feelings for me.” He held his hand out for hers, and for a moment, everything seemed to stand still. Even the air around them held it’s breath, a quiet pause engulfing the entire room. Then, movement within the stillness. Jax felt Pomni’s fingers trace over the skin presented; tough so light it almost tickled. A foreign sensation; fur so short it felt the same as touching bare skin.
When they finally touched, the rabbit continued: “It’s not good for anyone. You’ll just cut yourself eventually.”
As Jax curled in his fingers, Pomni felt the tip of his claws touch her hand. She let the sensation linger, sharp tips against soft skin, before finally replying.
“What we have isn’t easy to explain. It’s complicated. I can’t exactly name my feelings — yet.” Her movements moved upwards to his fingertips, and gently went along the curve of his claws. They were smooth except for a few small uneven cracks in the keratin, their backside feeling less dangerous than the curved inside lined by sharpness. “Maybe I will be, someday. But… there’s still things in the way. You can’t love a mask. You can fall in love with it, and you cannot recognize it either after a while. Why would I love a simulacrum of a person, if I can’t tell who the real them is?”
Their eyes met, and she continued, voice soft: “If you want me to return these feelings… I need you to be the real you. So I can finally see it properly, and love the real person behind the mask.”
“And what if it ends in disappointment? For either of us.”
“That’s the way life is sometimes. We can’t always expect disappointment to move out of it’s way never reaching us. That’s just human, you know.” She shrugged. “Sometimes we need to be disappointed. But that’s not to say it’s the only possible outcome. Whether or not a person’s genuine or not there is no guarantee for… well, success. Or however you wanna call it.”
Her hands slowly moved into his palms, their size difference clear as day when they were entirely covered by his, differences in body temperature becoming evident; coldness meeting warmth of gentle nature, short and yet soft, almost velvety fur against the fabric of her own gloves. Pomni had never quite imagined how her hands would even look like if she was to ever take them off, though curiosity often drove her to explore what kinds of changes her body had gone under — and then again, she hesitated, uncertain what to expect and what to feel if she was to find out.
“You’re pretty wise for your age,” he lazily joked, a quiet attempt at keeping himself from breaking open entirely, and Pomni playfully rolled her eyes at him. She’d taken notice of it. Jax wasn’t good at hiding it anymore, not after everything that has happened. “We’re only separated by three years, and yet it feels like I was just created — and you’ve been here for decades gathering whatever knowledge you need.”
“It’s just experiences, I guess,” Pomni objected, watching their still interlocked hands, neither of them moving.
Gentle touch louder than any words they could ever speak towards one another — louder than any shout or scream that ever left their throats, even during their most heated arguments.
She continued. “When you meet new people there’s always a chance of getting disappointed by them, or without knowing creating a bond meant to last forever.”
“I feel like if you were to ever leave I’d be ruined,” Jax quietly admitted, and it became evidently clear how much strait it took from him to say those words aloud. He almost physically recoiled from them, ears pinning backwards and eyes averting Pomni’s face once again. “In whatever way.”
Last night seemed like forever ago all of a sudden, for both of them. Like it’d been days, weeks even, maybe months — space filled by nothing but spoken words and touch creating it’s own language between them. It felt… new. Not in a bad way. Though something so foreign it made Pomni question herself constantly. Normally she’d never stuck around a person like Jax, someone so painfully adamant on keeping himself as nothing more but a false memory, a simulacrum of a person unable to admit his own existence.
She asked. “Do you want to be ruined?”
And he replied with honesty. “No.”
“Then don’t ruin this.” One of her hands slowly moved upward from it’s position in the middle of his palm, and grabbed his wrist — gently, but with intent, pulling him in closer with one clean motion.
It surprised him, the way his ears perked up and eyes shot open made it clear how unexpected her move came to the rabbit. Pomni could’ve sworn she saw his face reddening faintly, not easily seen underneath the blue and lilac hues of his fur. Blinking several times before his face settled back down onto his previous expression, Jax cleared his throat.
“I—…”
Pomni gave him a slight tilt of her head. Their faces were closer than before, and she witnessed something in the depths of his yellowish eye she’d never seen before. “You?”
He tried again, just to stop himself, breaking off his attempt with a scoff and laugh that sounded genuine for the first time.
Actually laughing, not at her, but rather at himself and his damned inability to speak up.
A smile someone who’s lived so many lives, but hasn’t gotten used to this kindness she’d been extending towards him.
Their shared touch suddenly felt filled with nothing but heavy reverence, as if neither of them knew how many times they still had the chance to. It could all be over by tomorrow, and neither would ever be able to predict it.
Pomni had found herself troubled to even describe their situation, though she had grown to slowly realize more and more, like old bones gradually being uncovered with each stroke of a brush, carefully pushing off dirt and stones until they were revealed just enough to name them properly. They’d been living halfway out of the door, never leaving nor entering fully.
She’d grasped at straws, trying to finally discover why he’d been behaving this way — not in a desperate way, but rather in an almost angry one.
She wanted to understand, and it drove her crazy that it’d taken her so long to even get at his foundation. Jax was notoriously difficult to read, and it wasn’t solely her fault at being bad with people sometimes.
He responded to his emotions like it’d be a death sentence to acknowledge them properly, like he’d waged war against anything feeling remotely human.
And in that sense he’d made himself even more human than he’d ever anticipated.
Hell, she didn’t even understand herself half of the time — those feelings of dread, panic and confusion that had been eating her innards from the moment she had stepped foot into this world; after decades in the real world where she’d struggled with herself, only to find herself confronted with the same struggles anew. Reset, repeat.
It had hit her like a freight train to the chest.
And of course it had to be her entangled in this damn rabbit’s conflicting world. Then, Pomni heard him laugh. A chuckle, low and almost too silent, though her hearing picked up on it without issue. She’d realized how easy it was for her to hear everything — steps, rustling, even through walls. The way people’s breathing hitched after being told something, or when their thoughts became too much to keep inside. And now, she heard Jax laugh; to himself or towards her she couldn’t quite tell.
“I’m scared,” he spoke, his words still tinted by the laugh — like he couldn’t believe what he was about to vocalize. “I’m scared of how much I feel like I need you. Does that make sense?”
“Yeah.” She didn’t hesitate. “It does. I’m scared of what would happen if you continue on and hurt me again.” They both exchanged glares filled with too many emotions to confidently read any of them. “I don’t want get lost in this world.”
“Then talk to me.” Leaning forward, Jax’ head was right by her face. They were so close she could see every detail — the short strands of fur, the faint slope of his face that reminded her so much of hares. The longer fur extending down his neck. And of course his glowing eyes. “Say whatever’s on your mind.”
She leaned over, resting her head on his, and felt the subtle movement of his ears and neck whenever he breathed in steady rhythms. Her lips moved, but it took a few seconds until the words finally came out — a whisper.
“Ever since landing here everything has felt like a reset”, Pomni began. “I’ve made such great progress in my old life, trying to sort everything, trying to become someone, start over in a new city and hopefully find meaning in my life before it was too late. All my life I’ve thought I’m… nothing. Just a little person in a big world with many faces and mine would never stick out to anyone. And then along came… you. Of course it had to be you. It felt like punishment at first, I admit that much.”
She sighed. “I looked at you and your actions and all I saw was a man projecting his insecurities onto others. I didn’t get it. And maybe I still don’t get it, because I too know how it feels to be desperate to be someone, to feel better than what we are right now… but there had never been the idea to be mean to others.”
“I hated the way you looked at me. Not because it was you, but because I couldn’t shake the feeling that I wanted you to do it again. Especially after the time in the bar and the talk we shared at the softball field. I finally felt like… there was someone there, someone worth to open up to. Not to say the others aren’t worth that effort… it just felt different with you,” the Jester continued and admitted, helplessly shrugging. “I can’t even confidently say it started there, I just knew I recognized that feeling in that moment. When we first met and everything, I knew I was supposed to not… like you. All those antics, remarks, the mean comments, and yet here we are. Whenever I saw how you treated the others there weren’t many nice things in my head, and then I find myself wanting to understand the fire, not wanting to put it out — for whatever reason.”
She pushed herself upwards again, unable to remain steady in one position. “God this feeling thing is so complicated!” A laugh escaped her, sounding helpless and almost questioning. “God I don’t even know why I feel half of these things. If we were anywhere else in the real world I would’ve ended up hating you and never wanting to understand, but here? We’re caged in a world no one understands and suddenly… it’s different. I had and still have hopes that you can change.”
“Don’t make it about me,” Jax mumbled, his head still on her lap, eyes looking upwards to the Jester. “I want you to talk about you. And your feelings.”
“Well I just did,” she replied, a faint chortle in her voice. “It always loops back around to you… for some reason. Like I can’t bring myself to not go down that particular path. And maybe… that’s why I’ve grown so angry at your attempts to sabotage. It’s not just hurting you, it’s also hurting me. And I don’t want to be hurt. No one would want to be hurt like that I’d argue.”
“I know.” His eyes closed, their faint glow disappearing into the dim atmosphere. “And I’m sorry. I know this world hasn’t been easy on you, and it’s partially my fault. A big part of it is actually my fault. Pushing you around during the adventures… I treated you like a part of this cartoon I made the Circus out to be. And still am, to some degree.”
“Yeah. I’m still mad at you pushing me out of the truck, or forcing me onto the haunted mansion adventure when you tossed Gangle’s mask down the door.”
“I know. You’re right to be mad at me for it.”
“Good. Because I’ll never let you live that down.”
“You shouldn’t let me live it down,” Jax agreed, his voice faint. He sounded like he was close to falling asleep, though he pushed through. Lifting his head once more, their eyes met, lingering for several seconds. Neither of them averted their gaze. “The least I can do is apologize to you for that. While I still have the time.”
She’d told herself she wouldn’t care. Said promises in her mind to not give into these apologies that easily, for she knew there might be a heel turn just around the corner, one Jax would take — and go back on his words like he’d done before, his actions negating everything said before, said to her. And yet, she couldn’t bring herself to not care. Every time he spoke these apologies, she’d given in. Caved.
Though never enough to fully embrace them, hesitation lingering like a sour taste on the back of her tongue after eating something that’s just barely gone bad.
Replaying these words, his ‘sorrys’ in the back of her mind like a song only she had heard.
And yet, there the sourness remained, a reminder to carefully step on this path they’ve been taken. Pomni had always been a woman of many worries and care, not just for others, but mainly herself. Keeping herself sane and safe in a world build to alleviate them of their humanity. There’d been times where she had been uncertain, sure. Like everyone else. But here? It felt… different.
Any choice could mean the start or end of something great, and the ripples those waves hit were so much worse than in the life she’d lived before.
There had been times she’d broken off relationships, friendships and other connections for many different reasons — mainly her own safety and mental well-being, though here… it’d been so much harder.
A man like Jax usually wouldn’t have stayed in her life for long. She would’ve cut him off. Here? Pomni didn’t even know what she felt for him. She just knew there was something sprouting in the depths of her mind, and she knew she enjoyed being near him outside of those hurtful incidents. And that was probably worse than just liking him without second thoughts.
Their brisk talks throughout the nights, they showed care. And he wouldn’t have been here for them if he didn’t want her close.
He wanted to hear her words, her voice, and she gladly gave them to him. Filled that empty space in his room he clinged onto.
She knew he didn’t want anyone but her in here. And maybe it scared her, too. Knowing that this might not last, might be as fleeting as tides changing — though this tide may never circle around to come back to her. Evidently, there was more. She knew her worth. He didn’t acknowledge his own. But he saw hers, too.
Maybe this was his way of seeing if he was loved. Cruel behaviors to see who pulls away — and who stays.
Pomni had stayed. He’d shown her his worst parts first, and she’d stayed, waiting until it was save to reveal the mess underneath the mask.
She wasn’t here to fix him. But she wasn’t going to abandon him either. Stand by his side until he was ready to pick up the pieces he’d thrown all over the floor, and watch him put it together again. Without ever saying a word unless he reached out first, unless he hurt her first. She would be standing up for herself, but never do the dirty work for him. Giving up wasn’t a trait Pomni grew easily accustomed to. Determination — a driving force.
The determined One, he had called her.
Persistence in a world of ever-changing mechanisms that didn’t bow nor bend to human minds.
And maybe that’d be the trait worth escaping with.
IT'S ART TIME MY DUDES (AHHHHH)
Some sketchies including a new AU of mine, called "To Cure A Sinner" (TCAS!AU) in which Pomni's a worn out ex-con turned detective and Jax is an assassin absolutely obsessed with her.
It's been rotting my brain (and also lowkey the reason why this chapter took so long to be written LMAOO) - and I might turn it into a proper fanfiction one day >:]
But first I'm working on getting TSG both finished as fanfiction & the comic I'm currently uploading on tumblr (spoilers!).
Chapter 11: Blue Smoke, Blue Moon
Summary:
What could be better than a bath, some shared cigarettes and a talk underneath the moonlight? Oh, yeah.
Not struggling to keep oneself sane and away from further abstraction.
Notes:
Welcome back my sweltering mango trees, a new chapter to feast on!
This one's also one of the "quiet before another damn storm" sort, longer, with a lot of fluff, angst inbetween, hurt no comfort, and a bit more exploration in the tags of non-sexual intimacy. :]
As always, there's art below!
ALSO!! You can now find the playlist for this fanfiction on spotify, hehe >:] It holds all the songs that inspire the story, the characters, some of the dialogue, or are just generally fun to listen to while writing.
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4j20PO3l1Wndpo9wFx3rop?si=eb68d901aefb4eb9See you next chapter!
Chapter Text
Doing what's right
Without a reward
And we don't have to fight
When it's not worth fighting for
Pomni hadn’t even realized they’d fallen asleep somewhere between quiet wondering and waiting.
Her head was laying down on the pillows when her eyes opened hours later, and she still felt his hand in hers, warmed by her own body heat.
Jax was still sleeping, eyes closed and mouth just parted enough to allow breaths to escape, faint twitching of muscles underneath short fur.
Probably experiencing a dream. As she sat up she watched his eyes opening, looking around before meeting her gaze, and a grin appeared on his face.
“Good morning.”
“Good morning to you too. Did I wake you?” She asked as she got up from the bed, stretching while doing so.
“Nah. I was already awake for a while, but I didn’t feel like getting up,” he admitted, slowly pushing himself upwards before flinching, face pulled in a grimace of pain and discomfort, one hand raised defensively towards his lower abdomen.
She noticed right away. “The wound?”
He gave her a little nod, eyes squinted. “Yeah.”
“Suits you. Karma for doing that stupid stuff.” Despite her harsh words she said them with jest, and underlying care as Pomni grabbed some stuff from the desk. “I think it could use being washed out.”
“You think?” Jax looked down on himself and towards the still bandaged wound, dark spots starting to appear on the dressing itself where the blood had started to seep through, and he pulled a grimace. “You might be right.”
A chuckle escaped the Jester.
“I know I am,” she replied, amused. “I took some first aid courses at work. They were mandatory — and boring — but at least they came to good use. I would’ve never thought the Circus might be the first time I actually use that knowledge to some extend.”
“Usually it wouldn’t be,” Jax commented, slowly standing up and putting weight on his legs. Despite the wound being on his lower abdomen every step moved muscles, making it pinch and hurt. “Because we usually don’t get injured. Seems like the abstraction’s making my body frail.”
“Possibly damaged code,” Pomni gave it her best guess, grabbing some of the clothes laying around on the floor.
In her mind she’d already planned dragging Jax to the bathroom to take a proper look at the wound, considering the lights in the bathroom were much gentler than those in the rooms.
And using the star lamp they still had standing around wouldn’t be optimal — it barely gave enough light to make out shapes in the dim room.
“Kinger mentioned damaged files when he spoke to me about abstractions,” she continued. “Makes sense, considering all we are is… well, data.”
“Possibly.” Jax didn’t like the idea of his user data corrupting at all.
It almost sounded… irreversible. Even if they did manage to halt the abstraction process, would he even function normally at all anymore?
Could he ever escape this place or would he become stuck? He didn’t even want to think about it — and quickly shook his head.
There was a matter more pressing right now. “Is it a good idea to go to the bathroom right now, though?” He asked, head turned towards Pomni dressing herself. “The lights are on outside.”
“I can give you something to cover your eyes,” the Jester offered, fighting the sleeve of her shirt to let her arm through — which gave her an idea, and she scooted downwards to the floor to find another shirt. Certainly they had something laying around. “I know it’s better to go when it’s dark, but with your injury I don’t want to wait until nighttime to properly clean it, you know?”
Jax sighed, having to admit she was correct. He couldn’t continue putting off self-care, as much as he hated giving into it. There’d been times where he had been better with taking care of his own body, especially as a human, but in here?
The Circus itself didn’t truly seem like a place where it would matter in the slightest, yet here they were, and the pain from his injuries surged throughout his body no different than it would’ve done in the real world.
“Alright,” he gave in without any further discussion. “That’s how we do it, then.”
“Ha!” Emerging from the floor with a victorious shout, Pomni waved a shirt grasped in her fist — and almost scared the rabbit with her sudden shout. “It certainly isn’t the most elegant solution, but hey, fabric is fabric I suppose. Try it on and see if it blocks out enough lights.”
She extended the shirt towards Jax, and he took it without any discussion, wrapping the sleeves around his head and immediately pulling a grimace the second his vision’s been blocked; never having been a fan of the dark anyways, especially if it’d been caused by something being dragged over his face. Made him feel like he was about to be kidnapped.
“I hate this,” Jax mumbled. “I feel stupid. And most likely look stupid, too.”
“You can take it off if you want,” the Jester replied, knowing exactly he wouldn’t do that. “And face the lights.”
As expected, he shook his head, realizing that he had little to no choice in this matter right now. “Nah. I’d take looking stupid over blinding myself and going crazy any day.”
Right as he agreed to keeping it on, Jax felt Pomni’s hand grace his arm, hesitance lingering between them, her fingers barely near his own like she was waiting for his approval — which he granted when he simply took her hand, and despite not seeing her he could hear her breath staggering for a second.
Surprise or not, neither of them knew right now.
But it felt… warm, not just due to their body heat reflecting off of one another.
Despite days having passed from these awful heat waves washing over him and nausea following close by there remained a heightened sense of temperature inside of his body, though Jax preferred it over being cold or unbearably warm any day.
“Alright, let’s go then,” he heard Pomni speak, and she gently tugged at his hand to get him to move.
“Let’s hope no one’s outside to see me,” he mumbled in response, mouth still pulled in a scowl. “Especially Zooble. They’re gonna use that to make fun of me, I just know. And…” He hesitated. “I don’t want anyone to see the abstraction. Not yet.”
Pomni bit back a sigh that lingered in her lung, knowing that sooner or later, the others would be seeing the abstraction nontheless — though she did not want to think about it right now.
So, she simply nodded at his request. “I’ll make sure we’re alone. Don’t worry.”
He had to trust her — literally put his safety in her hands, and he’d gladly do so. Over these past days, something inside of him had been removed.
Not without force, but it’s been removed nontheless, and opening up to her didn’t feel as straining as it had before.
She couldn’t see his eyes, though Pomni knew exactly how he must be looking right now — annoyed, anxious no doubt, but of course with him being Jax he’d simply pretend this wasn’t the case.
She knew him better than that.
Pomni flinched faintly when she felt Jax’ hand grabbing her, though his grip lessened the second he realized her movement.
“Sorry,” he spoke, almost too quiet to make out.
“No, you’re fine. I was just surprised.” Only half of the truth, though Pomni pushed through it for now, taking his hand back in hers and feeling his fingers hesitantly interlocking with hers. The tip of his claws scraped over the back of her hand, and it ran a shiver down her spine she couldn’t quite place or name. “Let’s go.”
Being blindfolded had disadvantages he hated admitting. Among the likes of being unable to properly make out anything, having to rely on someone to ensure you’re not walking straight into a wall or obstacle, or worse — hitting your limbs somewhere you didn’t notice, and feeling the nerve pain rush throughout your body at lightning speed.
The type of pain you’d experience bumping that specific part of the elbow, or hitting your small toe on the corner of the bed at night.
Or stepping on a lego piece — the latter seemed possible in the realms of this damned place. Those satanic plastic cubes would fit right in here with the rest of the colorful, offensively bright clutter.
“We’re almost there.”
Jax hadn’t even noticed how far they’d come, and relief washed over him. At least no one had seen them — he hoped.
He hadn’t heard anyone approach, most likely still asleep in their rooms, and Pomni felt his posture relaxing through his hand still resting inside of hers.
In return he must be feeling her heart thudding quickly beneath her ribs, no doubt nervousness on her part, though less in regards of being seen — no, more complicated. She felt his increased pulse too.
“Good,” he grumbled in response, shoulders raised defensively. “Can’t wait to get this stuff off my face.”
“I think you look good with it,” Pomni joked, and she could swear she saw him roll his eyes — even if they got obstructed by the fabric over them. “Don’t roll your eyes at me.”
The way his head quickly rose told her everything she needed to know. Luckily he couldn’t see the shit-eating grin spreading across her face right now. “How did you— whatever.”
Pomni clicked her tongue as she came to a halt in front of the bathroom door, unlocking it and guiding the rabbit inside. “Intuition. I know you.”
“A little too well,” he jokingly said in a rather scared tone of voice, feeling the cold of the tiles underneath his feet. At least they were here. “Damn.”
"That's just my people skills, I suppose. Working in customer service and offices has helped quite a bit," Pomni explained herself, leaving Jax for a moment to adjust the light levels. "Alright, you can take the blindfold off. I dimmed the lights."
"Finally!" Exhaling a sigh of relief, Jax was quick in tossing the shirt to the floor. "So, about the wound. You reckon washing it out first would be a good move?"
A nod came from the Jester, already occupied in grabbing some clean towels and what else she could find in the bathroom's many shelves and drawers.
"Don't want you sitting in water filled with blood," she spoke. "If you sit down in the chair I can take a look at the wound. But it'll hurt."
"I know." Jax' face spoke more than his words could ever do. He whinced even at the thought of having her doctor around at the injury, knowing it sat at an pretty awkward angle. As instructed, he took a seat on the chair, balancing himself as the furniture piece was barely large enough to fit his rather tall frame. "I'll leave you to it, doc."
His whince would become more reality than he'd expected, face twisted into discomfort while Pomni gently removed the previously applied dressing, fingers working carefully but intently, knowing that being too slow would simply amplify any pain he must be experiencing right now. Ripping it off clean, she appeared almost victoriously and tossed it to the side.
They could still put it in the trash later.
"Looking good," Pomni noticed, using a clean cloth and some water from the tub's tap to clean the rim of the wound of any gunk or dried blood. "Hasn't healed as much as I'd expected, but... that might a result of the abstraction."
Getting no response from Jax, she continued on, humming to herself quietly while doing so. Even though she was used to caring for wounds here and there, this one made her stomach clench and pinch, a sting within her chest reaching down into her abdomen. Bearing the weight of knowledge regarding how this wound had come to be, and her mind still wasn't ready to face it entirely.
So it was no wonder the Jester tried her best to be quick, wanting to distract herself as well.
"I'm done," she announced, and Jax' body visibly relaxed.
"Thanks." He muttered, knowing exactly how uncomfortable it must've been for Pomni too, so he took her acts with gratitude. "I'll start the water for the bath."
Watching her nod in agreement he turned on the taps, feeling for the water's temperature before undressing, throwing the clothes somewhere in the room with little care. They were alone, and no one would be judging them.
Minutes went by, in which Pomni gathered the clothes strewn about the room, carefully placing them on the chair, all while watching the rising water levels, a satisfied smile appearing as she watched it.
“Alright. Seems like the tub’s full,” she commented, sticking her head up from the tub to toss the rabbit a look, who'd been sitting next to the tub and held his hand in to ensure the temperature would be remaining stable. “See if it’s fine like that.”
"It is," he replied, closing off the waterflow, tossing a glance at Pomni's wind-swept brown hair, and he couldn’t help but return to his old grin, a hand on his hip, oozing the good old confidence he’d brought into the room with him.
“You look like you kinda need a bath yourself,” he commented, nodding towards the Jester, and caught Pomni by surprise with it as she came to her feet.
“I do?” Almost automatically her hands reached up for her hair, feeling the oily strands beneath fingers and shuddered. “Yeah, I do. It’s okay though. I can wait till you’re done.”
“That wasn’t what I meant,” he playfully responded. “There’s no water bills to be saved in here, but the tub’s large enough I reckon. Wanna test it out?”
“You’re awfully smooth,” Pomni bit back, though jokingly, as she removed her own clothes in a speed that could only come from someone willing to enjoy some time together — no matter how unconventional might be to her. “Did you practice these?”
Jax shrugged, extending his hand towards her when she finished getting out of these clothes far too big for her, placing them across his on the chair. “Sometimes. In preparation, you never know.”
He was obviously playing along, though the Jester couldn’t help but feel her cheeks heating up once more — and she cursed herself out internally for it.
Out of all people it was him making her feel this way. Trying to understand it just made it harder for her to get behind her own emotional response to it.
So, Pomni simply grabbed his hand and allowed herself to be guided towards the tub. Within her chest she felt her heartbeat reverberate a thousand times louder, nervousness making her almost tremble.
And Jax felt it through their connected hands.
“Hey, you okay?” Gone was the jest, replaced by something akin to worry he showed through the glance he laid upon her. “We don’t have to do this, if it’s too fast for you. Sorry.”
“No— no, you’re good!” Pomni quickly spoke, allowing herself to laugh, releasing the tension running throughout her body. “I’m just nervous, that’s all… I’ve never done something like that. But I do wanna try.”
Her words of affirmation made his face return to an almost soft smile. “I don’t want to pressure you into things you might not be ready for yet.”
“You’re not doing that. Don’t worry.”
For a moment she could witness his expression falter, though it quickly returned to that lax smile of his. “Just wanna be safe.”
He held her hands as she stepped into the tub, flinching faintly at the sudden water and temperature change, feeling Jax’ intent gaze on her as she carefully sat down, surrounded by nothing but the gentle smell of several bathing ingredients mixed together — somewhere underneath these layers of floral mess, she smelled the arnica again.
Slowly allowing herself to sink into the water she exhaled a sigh, eyes closed and feeling the ripples as Jax got into the tub himself, his taller frame pushing the water around even further. It felt… good.
Relaxing, and certainly helped alleviating her of the screaming pain inside of her muscles she’d felt these past days.
Tension melting away like spring’s first snow after a sunny day, and Pomni couldn’t help but open one eye to toss Jax a glance.
He wasn’t far off with his pose, arms sprawled out on the edges of the tub, ears faintly lowered and eyes half-lidded, face somewhere between serenity and ache she couldn’t quite grasp.
These moments were… sparse. And possibly the last instances they’d properly have of them. Pomni’s chest tightened just thinking about it, and she’d rather push it aside.
For now, at least. They simply had no privilege of worrying like that if they were to make the best of it — after all, it wasn’t entirely hopeless.
“Your hair,” Jax spoke up, and she turned her head towards him, seeing him push himself upward to lean forward — towards her. “You need some help washing it?”
Usually, she would’ve said no. She knew how to wash it, obviously, and it’d become even shorter in the Circus, so it wasn’t a big deal. And yet, she found herself nodding in response to his question.
“Might be a good idea,” Pomni admitted. “Yeah, let’s do it. But if you f[ ]ck it up, I’ll dye you pink.”
He laughed in response — properly laughed.
“I won’t mess it up, trust me. Alright, turn around.” Drawing a circle in the air with one finger, Jax grinned. “I’ll see if we got something that works for hair.”
“I think you can just use anything, really,” Pomni suggested. “Considering you’ve washed yourself with that stuff before — and if it works on fur, it’ll work on hair.”
Sounds of plastic bottles clattering onto one another followed his words as he searched through them, eventually finding what he was looking for and opening it up.
Immediately, both of them were encased in a smell neither could quite place, though not unpleasant.
“Let’s see…” Jax’ grin was audible in his voice as he tinkered around with the bottle, testing it on his own fur to see how it'd react, appearing satisfied when nothing of negative notice happened. “Looking good. Alright, I’ll do your hair now.”
The Jester gave it another nod. “Sounds good.”
She felt his hands gently grab her hair, lifting it from her skin where’d it become stuck through combined wetness, soft motions never tugging on the strands.
A shiver ran down her spine — not because it felt bad, but rather the opposite. It felt… good. Relaxing almost. Claws gently angled to not scratch her scalp he brought on some pressure, to the point of a massage almost.
Realizing it she couldn’t help but smile, leaning into the touch ever so subtly, feeling him come closer as well.
The way his hands carefully separated strands, made sure they’re not tangled — a foreign sensation from hands usually belonging to a person incapable of being anything else but sharp and snarky, motions that didn’t make sense in his content.
Yet, to her, they did. A certain kind of softness only shared between them which she appreciated.
“I can’t even remember getting a treatment like that from a barber shop,” she jokingly said, and heard him scoff playfully, hands still parting her hair.
“Well, let’s just say I have some experience,” he admitted. “Back when we were in College I helped… Ribbit with her hair sometimes. She had quite long hair from what I remember, and she refused to cut it.”
“So you washed it for her?” Pomni took a guess, and she could feel Jax shake his head behind her, movement traveling through his hands.
“Not really washing it, but I helped her braid it so it wasn’t in the way. She showed me how, since I wasn’t much of a braider myself. I can dye hair, sure, but braiding?” He snickered. “No sir, that wasn’t my strong suit.”
“Hair dye always scared me,” Pomni admitted. “When I was a kid I always dreamed of dyeing my hair a cool, vibrant color, but whenever I stood before it in the store I chickened out.”
“Why? Afraid of damage?” Leaning over faintly, Jax threw her a questioning gaze, and she nodded.
“Yeah. And looking like a fool. My hair’s dark brown, so… I would have to bleach.” Pomni shuddered. “I’ve watched some tutorials and have seen some of the damage bleach can do, and I’d rather just keep my boring, natural hair color instead of frying my entire head.”
“Brown isn’t boring,” Jax protested, a laugh hidden beneath his words showing their delighted nature. “My hair was brown too before I dyed it. Fried it pretty good when I did it for the first time on my own. Took months to recover.”
“What color did you use?” She turned her head just enough to throw him a glance from her side eye, smiling. “Purple?”
Raising one eyebrow Jax tilted his head, playing into her gaze. “Bingo. How did you know?”
“Ehh… I just took a wild guess.” She grinned, shrugging her shoulders. “Now I’m curious how it looked. Can you describe it?”
One of his ears flicked as he replied, knowing there’d be a certain kind of reaction he had to anticipate from her. “I had a side-cut.”
And a reaction he got. Pomni turned her head fully, and Jax made sure not to hold onto her hair so it wouldn’t tug as she moved about.
“No way,” she exclaimed. “Really?!”
The way Jax’ eyes darted to the side for a second told her he was self-conscious about the way she reacted, and for a moment there was a sting in her chest.
“Yes way. Does that sound too strange for me?” He asked in return, voice hinging between confused and taken back by her reply, though still hinging in playfulness that never quite left his demeanor.
“No, I mean— if I were to guess how you looked back in the real world I would’ve guessed… strawberry blonde and short hair, to be honest.” Pomni couldn’t contain a giggle escaping her. “It just made sense to me in my mind. Sorry, that wasn’t intended to come off mean.”
It took him a few seconds, but when Jax’ shoulders relaxed and his grin re-appeared, Pomni felt herself a little lighter in terms of guilt.
She’d been genuinely surprised by his openness in how he had looked back in the real world, and it wasn’t at all what she’d expected — both his true appearance, and the way he so openly talked about it, like no secrets could ever be safe from one another.
His recent openness less and less felt like a desperate attempt at some kind of twisted ‘redemption’, some way to keep himself from fully losing his sanity.
No, it’d felt… honest. Like two old friends who’d never truly spoken about these small, trivial things before he simply replied when asked, and even offered his own honesty first.
Small gestures Pomni appreciated, not just in him — being the closed off person that he usually was — but generally in other people.
“I’m gonna turn on the water.”
A warning spoken from behind her tore Pomni right out of her thoughts, and she noticed Jax’ hands were gone from her hair. Turning her head she could see him reach for the shower head, no doubt preparing to wash out the shampoo.
“Oh— yeah, sorry. I was kinda zoned out there,” she admitted, turning back to let him do his work. “You’re good at this, did I mention that before?”
“Yeah.” He chuckled. “And I know I am. See it as a… little repayment for what you’ve done for me so far. Even if it doesn’t come close to the weight you’ve been pulling.”
“It’s more than enough,” she assured him. “I enjoyed it a lot.”
“That’s the goal.”
Warm water streamed down her head and shoulders, and Pomni felt his hands gently shielding her face from being hit it as he moved about, using his fingers inbetween to rid her hair of any stray bits of shampoo unwilling to rinse off by itself. Minutes were spent in silence with nothing more than the sound of splattering water, until he turned it off again.
“Alright, I got everything.” He anchored the shower head back onto it’s mounting, arm brushing against Pomni’s shoulder — and she felt the almost velvety sensation of his fur against her wet skin. “You wanna get out or stay in here for longer?”
“We can get out. I’m thoroughly cleaned.”
“Me too. Hold up.” Water splashed all around them as Jax hoisted himself up, grabbing the edges of the tub to keep his balance, jumping out to extend his hand towards her as help. “Now.”
“I’m not an old lady, I can get out myself,” Pomni stated, laughing while doing so, and gave him a little shake of her head before grabbing onto his hand, letting him help her out. “But thank you.”
“Hey, not saying you’re old,” Jax snorted, “but you’re short. And the tub’s pretty tall.”
“Hey! You could use the help more than me, with that wound of yours”
“No protest,” he grinned, handing her a towel which Pomni took with a thank. “More getting ready, alright?”
Putting out her tongue as rebuttal she couldn’t help but give it a hearty laugh as she dried off.
As much as the Jester liked taking showers and baths, the worst part came when getting out of it — dripping, damp, and warmth quickly fading as the coldness of the bathroom enclosed her, heightened by the water pearling off her skin.
Right next to her she could see Jax doing the same, though his movement appeared much rougher, having to dry layers of fur she didn’t have to deal with — luckily so.
Pomni would’ve hated being in his position, drying her hair was already enough to deal with she thought to herself, squeezing out excess water from it while Jax finished.
She witnessed him grabbing a fresh towel, which he waved towards her.
“Alright, c’mere,” he offered, and waited until Pomni came close enough so he could dry off parts of her hair she couldn’t reach by herself. “Can’t let you leave looking like you’ve dunked your head in a bucket full of mop water.”
“You think?” Pomni shot back playfully, squinting her eyes as his rapid movement sent stray strands of hair flying all over her face. “I think it’s fashionable considering how absurd everyone looks.”
“Haha. If you want I can simply stop and let you leave like this,” Jax chuckled, lifting the towel just enough so he could see her head underneath. “Otherwise I’ll continue.”
“Yeah, yeah. Go on then.”
A few more minutes were spend in mutual silence, in which the rabbit continued drying off parts of her hair, even turning Pomni around to get the last few strands from her face — where he halted for just a second, though it’d been long enough for his gaze to scan her face.
She’d closed her eyes so they wouldn’t get irritated if touched by the hair, and gentle expression making it’s way onto it.
Holding her, Jax felt himself mesmerized, simply by the notion of holding her so gently, his hands large enough to cup her entire face in it — claws barely touching olive skin, tender touch just enough to feel the connection between them.
Forbearing, almost, every instance of it appearing so utterly frail in his mind, knowing any moment could be the last, as much as Jax tried to suppress these thoughts.
Viewing these memories as anything but beautiful seemed wrong, unfair almost. To them, and to Pomni as well.
No, it wasn’t right at all. Jax would rather cherish them, and even if Kinger’s solution would end up not working… he’d have something tender-hearted inside of his memories to hold onto while he gave out into nothingness. If death was kinder than living, he’d welcome it, as long as he had these shared remembrances with him.
His life didn’t mean much to him — and yet, he kept living.
For... her.
“You’re staring.”
Pomni’s voice came through a hazy fog of deeply sunken into thoughts, and Jax gave the tiniest head shake tethering himself from them, before meeting the Jester’s gaze, impish expression painted across her face still lingering in his hands.
“So are you,” he shot back, moreso to rid himself of the awkwardness crawling up and down his spine — having been caught peering at her like that.
Instead of a verbal reply, Pomni simply grinned from ear to ear, eyes squinted, knowing exactly what he’d been doing.
Though she didn’t mind, even letting him take these few moments to do so.
Whenever he wasn’t paying attention to her she’d done the same, subtle but knowing glimpses at Jax’ frame, like she’d forget what he even looked like in case the worst was to happen.
Somehow, it helped her humanize him.
As much as Pomni hated admitting it, it’d become difficult seeing people behind the avatars the less human they appeared — Ragatha and herself had been pretty well off in regards to these issues, looking very humanoid when standing next to the others, and Pomni couldn’t start comprehending how awful it must be to look anything but like a person… or anything even close to that.
She’d recognized that simple but existing privilege of her avatar, though it didn’t feel any less strange being so far removed from any needs and routines her human mind had grown accustomed to these past couple of decades.
Almost three, to be exact. She didn’t even know what day it was, and if time in here even aligned with time outside.
Maybe they’ve been here for just a couple hour’s worth of real like time, who truly knew? Caine, maybe.
“Let’s go back. I think your hair’s dry enough.” Jax shook himself off mentally, getting out of his head for the time being and found himself gently separating a few more strands of Pomni’s hair, lifting parts to ensure it wasn’t dripping onto her face anymore. “That’s the best I can do without a dryer I fear, but hey. It’s as good as new.”
“It really is,” Pomni spoke, feeling for her hair and enjoying the smooth feeling underneath her fingertips. She hadn’t realized his moment of silence, for it’d been only a second in her time, though there was this certain aura surrounding the rabbit again — she’d felt it before. Almost serene, though erroneous in nature; hiding a darker side to it. “Thank you. I needed that, more than I thought I did.”
“Sometimes you don’t know you need it before experiencing it,” the rabbit replied, and he sounded happy tossing her an engaged expression as he watched Pomni walk over to grab their clothes. “No sane person has ever said No to getting a proper bath.”
“I’d never say no. I enjoy them too much to ever say No… unless I’m too tired to.” She tossed him his pair of change before getting into her own clothes. “I’m just glad we even have this bathroom. Caine could’ve just gone and… not make it, you know.”
“Same goes for the kitchen. We don’t need to eat, but that’s quite boring,” Jax went on, connecting his argument onto hers. “Can’t believe the others don’t appreciate these rooms as much as I do — and you, too.”
“We should really raid the kitchen again… some day.” Even as she spoke those words Pomni could’ve bit her tongue trying to hold it. ‘Some day’. Who was to say they even had these time frames anymore? Quickly, she internally shook her head. “And see what else we can gather from there.”
He gave her a grin. Food? How could he ever say No to that. “Deal.”
As he looked at the spare shirt still sitting on the chair, Jax sighed. Of course he had to put that damned blindfold back on again.
“Looks like I gotta go back to looking like an idiot, hm?” He asked, nodding towards it, and Pomni’s gaze followed his head’s movement.
She snorted, watching Jax roll his eyes and join in on the chortle, though with some apprehension at first. “Looks like it.”
Their muffled laughter continued throughout the tent as they snuck back, forgetting about how ridiculous the blindfold still looked on Jax’ face, or how their hair and fur were still damp from the water.
“Hey, would you mind if I go outside for a bit?”
Jax had almost fallen asleep if it hadn’t been for Pomni’s voice next to his face, and his ears perked up as a result of being addressed, lifting his head from the pillow he’d been resting on.
Even just the simple task of taking a bath seemed to have used up all the energy he’d been saving from last night’s sleep — and Pomni didn’t look too great either.
Though less on the worn out scale, moreso an aching expression deep inside her mismatched eyes saying how much she needed to go and take a walk… and most likely talk to someone else that wasn’t him.
Even though Jax agreed with those notions there was this pinch inside of his chest he couldn’t quite ignore, placed where his heart would’ve been, and he acknowledged it with a sigh before pushing it aside.
Back into the corner of forgotten thoughts and emotions he rarely if ever truly acknowledged; unloved children of his mind. What a weird corner to have, the rabbit thought to himself.
“Why are you asking me like you need my permission?” Confused, he rolled onto his side, throwing her a glance she couldn’t quite place. “I don’t mind.”
“Just asking. I don’t want to leave you alone locked in here if you’re feeling sick or anything,” Pomni explained, slowly getting up from her position on the bed. “Since I planned on getting some fresh air and maybe talk to the others. I don’t know how long it’ll be.”
“Yeah, I don’t mind,” Jax reiterated his previous reply, though inside he felt a warmth spread. She was considering his well-being before leaving? Nothing short from the thoughtful ways he’d observed in her these past days, and he couldn’t help but hold back a smile before it broke free. “It’s your good right to do so. Can’t force you to stay inside this cramped room all day long, every day.”
She bit her lip, wanting to say something, but refrained for now.
“Alright. I’ll see you later — I’ll try and sneak some food from the kitchen, too.” A grin appeared where she’d previously held herself back to speak her thoughts aloud. “Deal?”
“Deal. See if it’s sandwiches!”
“I’m not gonna do these by myself!” Pomni objected immediately. “Not after the last time where I barely reached the countertops.”
“Alright, alright!” He laughed, a sound he had to force from his throat as it threatened to get stuck in there. Ruining her apparent good mood wasn’t something Jax had in mind for now. “Anything you can get your hands on. Sounds good?”
She grinned, beaming practically. “Sounds good.”
If he had known what would come while he was left alone, Jax would’ve hesitated even agreeing to it.
Though, how could he have known?
These episodes came in bursts not even his body anticipated, and his mind even less so.
It hadn’t even been long since Pomni was gone, leaving Jax by himself in the room, and he’d sworn to himself that he’d be using that time to catch up on some proper sleep — and yet, all he could do was tossing around in the bed, sinewy frame unable to lay still for even just a few seconds at a time, muscles aching for movement every time Jax dared to remain in one pose.
Clawing at the sheets frustration ate it’s way through the rabbit’s mind and mood, worsening it gradually — not to mention how utterly awful and sore his body felt, every inch of it.
Cold waves rattled his bones, screaming for him to finally pay attention, though this time he struggled keeping his mind occupied enough to overlook these changes.
Quickly rising from his position laying down Jax took a deep breath, shakily trying to steady himself; claws ripping into the bed sheets desperate grasping onto anything really as his thoughts spiraled.
Without any other sensation or distraction within the extending darkness of his room he felt alone, panicked, distressed even.
He craved something capable of pulling him from his own head, though he was utterly alone.
Palms running damp with sweat building up, heart thudding underneath rattling ribs and Jax clung onto these damned sheets like they were his last means of defense against his body caving in.
It’s nothing. Just a… bad moment. It’ll calm down in a minute no doubt.
How much Jax hated feeling this utterly helpless, this utterly disgusting. Weak, almost. No, definitely. Hatred flowed through his veins every second he was forced to acknowledge these instances, and the rabbit growled between desperate gags and gasps of air he drew into pained lungs. Deep down, he mourned the body he used to possess — healthy, at least for the digital world. They had nothing to fear, nothing to expect. There was no repercussions for treating one’s body like crap, such significant difference to the real world he’d inhabited before.
With a sudden wave he felt like his entire upper body was brought up, heaving bringing up contents of his stomach before — or more precisely, black, viscious liquid he’d seen before during that time in the bathroom. Immediate anxiety settled in, and Jax tried getting to his feet, utterly failing to do so and losing balance. Forced onto his knees he sat there in his bed, gasping.
“… fuck.” He muttered underneath his breath, each one of those coming with vigor and pained expressions, eyes still staring down at his hand. Black liquid coated each of his fingers, slowly dripping off of them onto the blankets below, smearing about as he scrambled to grab anything to wipe it clean.
I can’t let Pomni see this. I just can’t—
God, that’s disgusting. I can’t just break every time Pomni leaves me alone, I just can’t.
Ruffling one hand through his mane Jax gazed at the mess underneath his body, disgust and worry both surging through his mind. At least this time he’d been spared of not stopping to throw up, and Jax asked himself if Kinger’s weird butterfly had to do with it. Fleeting nausea slowly rolling off of him like waves retreating from the beach before a tsunami his shaking got less intense, though he couldn’t help but remove that dreadful coldness washing over him instead.
What kind of pathetic display even is this?
A gag mixed with what could only be described as a hybrid of a coughing noise and a pained yowl escaped his throat as fresh splatters of black liquid followed, and the rabbit felt a sensation he’d already grown accustomed to — static fuzzing crawling along the back of his head, and onto his face.
Desperate, quick and uncoordinated hand movements touched all over his cheeks and face, breaths coming in hastily made pumps of his chest as he finally laid his fingers atop the newly spread abstracted marks.
They’d joined from the back of his head with those around his eyes, and threatened to make their way to his ear.
A sudden urge to simply break down crept up the rabbit’s spine, though he hold himself back. Giving up that easily, not after Pomni had pulled him back successfully that one time.
Gritting his teeth, Jax got his legs off the bed’s edge, almost losing balance as he stood. Each step made felt like torture, muscles cramped up and tensed like their life depended on it — as if he was dragging weights clamped to his ankles.
Claws scraped alongside the room’s walls as he tried using them for balance, tumbling like a child that’d just learned to walk a straight line, vision blurred and shaking, spinning in a vertigo he couldn’t control whatsoever.
And as always, that shrill sound in the back of his ears, though stronger this time, louder, demanding his attention with much more intent than any other time before.
Shoulders slumped hot tears welled up in his eyes, stinging, voices in his mind sharp and clipped with Jax’ attempts at keeping himself sane enough to sustain for the time being.
A sharp pain blooming in his hip had the rabbit look downwards, watching how he’d slammed himself against his wardrobe, and a sudden surge of anger traveled towards his body — he felt ready to simply throw the damned piece of furniture through the room, barely restraining himself from following through with the notion. Instead, a scream that never quite left his throat died in there, and he groaned through shaking noises, hands clinging onto the edge of said wardrobe.
Finally, a sight he’d been waiting for, as he scanned over the furniture piece’s top and found a tissue box, stowed just out of reach from his current position. He could finally remove these darned stains spreading across his chest and arms, black splatters where he’d forcefully thrown up before. Frigid muscles tensing up underneath sore skin as he dragged himself along to reach the tissues Jax eventually managed to grasp them, tip of his claws ever so faintly scratching along the edges of a carton package, tumbling it closer into his reach.
Every movement of his seemed rather sluggish, almost lethargic, automatic and controlled by nothing more but senses and a desperation driving him to move forward — anything else, and he might’ve slumped over by now.
Using nothing more but a few tissues and spit Jax cleaned himself, rubbing black liquid out of his fur with a vigor he’d not expected from trembling hands of his, flimsy fingers often missing where he’d actually wanted to clean and exhaling muttered cursed between labored breaths.
Feeling close to blacking out, it was the best he could pull of right now.
Sinking back onto the bed, Jax’ shoulders trembled from exhaustion, arms and hands in extension never quite sitting right inside of his lap, fingers grasping into nothingness, as if they seeked something to hold onto.
Half an hour had passed since he’d been struggling cleaning himself up and hiding the evidence as best as he could, and even just those acts of movement had cost him enough energy to feel utterly worn out, bested at his own endurance which used to be quite good back in the day.
Back… before he’d started abstracting. What an utter fool he’d been.
Thinking back to the evening of the Award’s Show Jax had never expected his story to take a turn like that, sharp and unasked for, leaving him in the dust without any sorts of preparation and asking him to handle the mental toll of it all by himself. Eyes brimming with unshed tears he drew in a shaken breath, followed by an almost inaudible sigh.
If there was one person he’d stayed strong for… it’d been Pomni. He could never love someone who could love someone like him.
No.
And yet, he did — against his own best efforts at keeping this emotional bullshit far away from himself, together with his human side, tossing them both off the metaphorical cliff whenever possible. Another desperate breath pulled through barred teeth, struggling and shaking in his lungs, but at least he’d stopped heaving.
Heart racing behind aching ribs, Jax laid one hand on his chest, feeling it move about, trying to keep his body going despite all the physical strain put on it.
How utterly human of him, how utterly organic too.
Jax leaned back far enough for his back to touch the wall behind his bed, eyes closed, mind racing.
I could use something to distract me. Doesn’t even have to be good.
He remembered days back in the real world, dim and gloomy, where he’d felt utterly lonely and distraught at the mere thought of existing.
Whenever it’d happened he’d snuck out into the living room, stealing whatever was left from dad’s daily cigarette ration.
Most of the times there were few left, one or two at best, strewn about on the furniture, lighter not far from them.
Jax had learned early how to use that thing, and even quicker how to efficiently smoke.
It wasn’t tasty, and it certainly wasn’t enjoyable, but it for sure offered a distracting solution that didn’t end up with his head in the toilet, throwing up the liquor consumed earlier.
Suddenly, additional weight on the palm of his hand made the rabbit flinch, and he lifted his head with great strength only to find himself eye to eye with a cigarette laying there.
Flinching, he almost tossed it off the bed, like a spider or fly had landed on his hand.
What the actual fuck? How did that happen— is this still part of Caine’s weird cartoon logic?
Just… manifesting shit by thinking about it?
Confused, he blinked. Then, leaned forward and grabbed the cigarette again, carefully turning it around in his hands, determining it to be indeed real. Jax thought to himself as he did, ideas forming.
If this worked, could I envision a lighter and just… create it?
A faintly heavier weight upon his palm made him jump, despite his weakened state and fatigue the rabbit sat upright, staring down the lighter with utter bewilderment, skeptic of what had just happened.
Could he even safely consume this thing? Would it harm his body, especially now given how organic it’d become? Better not risk it.
Exhaling a deep sigh, Jax got onto his feet, every step heavy and dragged, slouching over until he reached his desk to stow away both the cigarette and lighter.
Maybe… he’d be using it later. At a better point in time, a better time for his health.
Pomni wasn’t told a thing after she had returned, though she could feel the loaded and charged energy around the room after entering.
A finite room, increasing the rabbit’s already nervous demeanor, and she threw him subtle glances from time to time.
Jax had been lingering around for some time now, watching time fly by on the digital wrist watch still laying on his desk, numbers ever changing — 4PM, 6PM, 8PM, seconds passing by with each movement of his leg bouncing in utter nervousness and anxiety; the only true remnant of his panic attack earlier when he’d been by himself.
She’d had been away for most of these hours passing by, no doubt speaking to the others, he knew as much.
Those steps outside of his door, he could tell by the mere sound of them that it was her walking throughout the place from time to time.
She’d returned to their room an hour after his sudden health collapse — not knowing what had happened. He hadn’t told her… yet.
He didn’t even know how to without making her worry even more than she already did.
Scrambling desperately to remove any trace of his body giving up, tossing the dirtied sheets somewhere into the corner and burrowing it underneath other dirty clothes they had laying around conveniently, cleaning himself up in the most undignified way he could’ve ever imagined — licking himself as if he was nothing more but a wild animal forced into a corner.
Maybe he was.
Jax couldn’t even convince himself to keep thinking positively and of himself as a human anymore, energy simply wasted onto other means of keeping his body from abstracting on the spot.
His leg continued to bounce, creating a faint, but steady tapping rhythm every time his claws made contact with the floor.
One final, aggressive tap got Pomni to look up from her place on the bed, and she witnessed Jax sitting up after having remained and idled in the same position for hours.
Whatever had went through his head, she didn’t know, though she could tell something weighted upon his shoulders — though, she’d wait.
Wait for Jax to speak up first, and not force any answers from him, even if she’d do it gently.
Watching his lean, scrawny frame hunched over, elbows resting atop his knees, hands balled into fists used to keep his head held up.
There was an aura of exhaustion surrounding him like mist, and it’d become evident that something had indeed happened.
Pomni felt bad just watching him, witnessing the spread of his abstracted patterns increasing while she’d been gone — and suddenly, a guilty consciousness caught up to her despite knowing these talks she’d been doing were for her own well-being after days of social isolating from the others.
Jax raising his voice after a wall of silence had built up was what got her attention: “Hey. You wanna go outside?”
A question thrown into the space between them, lingering and waiting to be picked up.
His request seemingly came out of nowhere, though to no surprise to Pomni at all. His sleep had gotten worse, and despite not being fully awake herself at night she’d felt him moving about, getting up, tossing and turning in desperate hopes of finding a comfortable position.
And despite her own fatigue, she felt the urge to breathe some mouthfuls of fresh air herself — getting rid of the stale environment inside of their shared room.
Jax sought escape from this room, this situation, the memories oozing from cracks in the wall no one but him could see, furtive glances thrown at their flickering ghosts from time to time.
It certainly was enough to drive a man crazy, and the rabbit was close to fully losing himself to the madness brewing underneath his skin, threatening to use any small crevice or opening to spill into the room with them.
Whenever he’d tried to swallow these past couple of hours his throat dried up, stiffened, making it feel like he was close to suffocating despite breathing as per usual.
“Sure, why not?” Jumping down from the bed Pomni looked around, scanning the room with her eyes before addressing Jax again. “You got a jacket or something?”
The rabbit raised an eyebrow at the question, though he already knew the answer to it. “Why? You’re cold?”
She hesitated, then nodded. Deep inside, she still feared getting made fun of, though this time, she had no reason to. “Yeah.”
Jax’ eyes looked across the room before getting up to rummage through the wardrobe, hands sifting through whatever clothes he could find in here.
It certainly held a lot of room for a ‘collection’ of sorts, and it didn’t take long for him to be victorious in his searchings. “Lemme see… jackpot.”
He tossed her a jacket which Pomni caught — way too large for her, though she wasn’t even surprised anymore. Every piece of clothing in this damned room was almost triple her size, and she disappeared behind the folded fabrics. “Thanks.”
“Don’t mention it. I might get something for myself too. It’s quite cold.”
“Outside? Yeah. In here it’s manageable.” Pomni’s expression grew cautious, and the glances she tossed his way were… knowing.
Hauntingly knowing even, as if she’d already caught onto his theatrics and what he’d been hiding since she’d been gone from the room. Though, she wasn’t going to pressure him about it. “You good?”
“Mhm.” His hands finally grasped onto what appeared to be a hoodie made from simple, black fabric, and he pulled it over himself.
No matter where Caine had even gotten their clothing sizes from — but he’d certainly messed up here, as the hoodie was way too large even for someone as tall as Jax.
Looking down at his body with a mix of confusion and contempt, he clicked his tongue alongside a roll of his eyes, acknowledging the ill-fitted form. “Better than nothing I suppose.”
The jingling noise of a key in a lock made his ears perk up, and he quickly joined her at the door after throwing on the hoodie, which didn’t come without some struggling around his ear part. They simply refused to go through, and when Jax finally got it onto himself, he heard Pomni’s laughter from the hallway.
Throwing her a confused look, Jax tilted his head. “What?”
“Your ears.”
“What— oh.” Looking down at himself he found his ears had dropped down, hanging down on his sides like some loop bunny's, and he rolled his eyes playfully. “Haha. Very funny.”
“You look a bit like my old bunny I had as a child,” Pomni explained, still chuckling to herself as she locked the door behind him. “Don’t take it personal, I think it looks cute.”
“Well, I’m not supposed to look cute!” He gently protested playfully, shaking his head and re-arranging his ear situation until they stood upright again. “There. All better.”
“Aw. I liked the droopy ear look.” Playfully pouting, the Jester couldn’t help but grin. “You could do some cool styles, I feel like.”
“With my ears? Nah. I’d rather not test around with that. They’re good as they are. My ears hanging down simply miss that…” Jax made a searching hand gesture as they continued walking down the hallway, voices lowered to not disturb the others who’s doors still had rays of light shining underneath them. “That ‘je ne sais quoi’, you know?”
Horrible french pronunciation aside, the rabbit earned himself a rather confused expression Pomni threw at him. “The what?”
Scoffing, Jax shook his head. “That specific look I have. Don’t question it.”
“I think I’ll continue to question it,” Pomni spoke, pushing back playfully, entrance of the circus tent slowly coming in closer.
Just a flap waiting to be turned, and Jax gratefully lifted it up for the Jester to pass under before following suit, struggling less with actually reaching it thanks to his height.
“I’d rather you not,” he hummed with a chuckle, adjusting the collar of his hoodie as the night’s wind got caught in their clothes.
Breaths forming white clouds faintly illuminating their faces they stepped outside properly — though it didn’t even feel cold at all. Instead, it had the same temperatures as a mild summer night, crickets signing in the far distance, stars gently twinkling spread across an indigo banner making up the night sky above.
When Pomni looked up she locked eyes with the moon for a few moments, and she witnessed her smile grow ever so slightly — though she remained quiet, half-lidded eyes watching as she nodded at the Jester.
Looking up Pomni hadn’t noticed that Jax had come to a halt, one of his hands rummaging around in his pocket before suddenly emerging again with a cigarette between his fingers, which he extended towards the Jester next to him. “You want?”
Pomni blinked in surprise at the sudden offer. “Where did you get those?”
“Everything’s possible in here.” Jax shrugged, and watched her take the cigarette from his fingers, before searching for the lighter he carried with him, as well as his own cigarette. “I just manifested them, and it worked. Cartoon logic, you know? And we can’t exactly… die or get harmed in here, so no harm in smoking.”
“Couldn’t you’ve manifested weed?” She asked with playful intent, and earned herself a snorted laugh in response.
“I could have, yeah.” He chuckled. “Would’ve been an idea… though I don’t know what it would do to me in this state. So I’d rather just use the regular old cancer stick, I suppose.”
Pomni twirled the cigarette between her fingers as she waited for Jax to pass the fire. “Did you smoke? As a human, I mean.”
“More or less. I was kinda dragged into it by my old man always smoking around the house,” Jax admitted, though with hesitation painting his words, finally getting the lighter out. He stared at it for a few seconds before clicking open it’s lid. “I stopped when I got into College. It was simply too expensive to continue, and so I just… stopped. Didn’t come easy though, it was a great tool to fight nervousness.”
A faint, yellow shine from the lighter’s flame framed his face for a few seconds while he took a breath to light the cigarette between his teeth, before reaching over to Pomni, extended hand waiting, and she got torn from her thoughts — holding the tip of the cigarette right into the flame, waiting.
“It’s better to take it in your mouth and inhale,” he instructed her, nodding towards the unlit end where the paper started to catch fire. “Makes it easier.”
“Oh— wait.” Following his instructions Pomni took the cigarette into her mouth and did as he said, inhaling a waft of smoke and suppressing a cough until the tobacco finally lit up.
“I rarely smoke. If ever,” she admitted as she took the cigarette out of her mouth, holding it between her fingers and watching the embers drift onto the floor, cough still caught in her throat. “Maybe with my co-workers if they offered… though that was pretty rare. We usually just hung out in the break room and talked about the explorations we did.”
“You and your exploring,” Jax grinned as he sat down in the grass, patting on a spot next to him for Pomni to sit down — and she did, so he continued speaking: “What’s so special about it? I’ve wondered ever since you told me in the bar adventure. Is it truly that interesting to visit abandoned buildings and just… wonder about?”
“Yeah— it’s not just walking through it, it’s also exploring old things from the past. Most of the buildings I visit were open during the last century — think, 60s to 90s. People leave behind all kinds of stuff, documents, computers that still work, recordings, personal belongings… and a lot of public areas like old hospitals still have their equipment! You see a lot of weird and cool stuff when you enter these places,” Pomni explained, waving her hands about as she spoke, envisioning her past adventures in her head. She wished Jax could see it — all those vivid pictures and spaces she’d seen during her time urban exploring. “It’s really cool, and gives a deeper insightful meaning to these places. You know, you’d usually never think about them. How often do you ask yourself how the insides of someone’s abandoned home looks like?”
“Never. I think,” Jax admitted, scoffing playfully. “I wonder if my old man’s house would be considered abandoned enough to be explored. After he died no one took care of it anymore, so it just fell in ruins.”
“If it’s abandoned, people will explore it eventually,” Pomni spoke, though her face showed concern. “I’m… sorry about your dad’s passing, though.”
Waving dismissively, Jax took a fairly long drag from the cigarette, exhaling the blue smoke back into the indigo night sky.
“Don’t be,” he said, a hidden cough underneath his words. “He was an asshole, through and through. Not the kind of person you’d wanna show condolences for. I was happy when he finally died.”
Leaning forward she watched his face falter, losing it’s signature expression to a rather numb one she’d rarely seen on him. Exhaustion, anger, sure, but not this kind of emptiness haunting his mismatched eyes.
“What about… your mom?” Pomni dared to ask, and she almost bit her tongue. Maybe this wasn’t the right time to, though the rabbit didn’t seem all too bothered by it.
Jax shrugged. “No clue where she’s gone to. Maybe she’s dead too, but she up and left when I was a teenager. She never was a mother anyway.”
“How come?” She gave it a tilt of her head.
“Ever heard of conditional love? Yeah, she loooved that. Love was something you earned as treat when you behaved, like some kind of dog.” He tensed up as he spoke. “Maybe that’s why I learned to bite around me, like some kind of nervous, badly trained dog. Who knows.”
Voice laced with bitterness, Pomni steadily realized what she’d just heard — obviously Jax opening up to her had stopped becoming such foreign concept, though it still felt off.
She couldn’t help but think about this, her mind always coming back to it. In the bathroom, and now here again.
Her silence spoke more words than her lips ever could, and the look she threw Jax was enough for him to sigh deeply, taking another drag of his cigarette for blue smoke to become one with the night’s air.
Then, he spoke up again: “Anyways. How were your parents? If you wanna talk about them, that is.”
An offer, and one she took. Surely she would’ve been here to hear more about his parents, though it didn’t appear like Jax was open to say anything more — that, or he simply didn’t want to re-live old memories that did more harm than good. They both surely needed a break from the negativity, focusing on the more positive things, and the time they still had with one another. Conditional, timed love. It didn’t feel right, yet there was little they could do against it but wait for help.
“Well… they were both doing fine for what life threw at them, I suppose.” Stretching her legs, Pomni just now realized how far down her cigarette had burned, gray ash slowly blowing in the winds, and she gently tapped it for the burned part to fall off. “My mom immigrated into the US, and it took some toll on her. Raising a kid while my dad was working full-time to afford a house, learning a whole new language, it was… hard. But despite these hardships she was a gentle woman.”
A smile appeared on her face as she recalled memories. “The star lamp, for example… when I was a child I couldn’t stop crying in the darkness, I was so scared of it. She got that lamp for me, and I loved it ever since. I still have it — in the real world, I mean.”
Pomni sighed, her gaze wandering back over to Jax, who watched her intently, his face cloaked in thoughts she couldn’t place. “She would like you, I feel. Obviously she’d be a bit apprehensive at first, she always is with strangers — especially my friends and such… but if you opened up, and she did too, she might grow accustomed. And treat you like family. You’d like her too. She makes the best kvass I’ve ever had.”
“Kvass?” Corners of his mouth twitching, Jax raised an eyebrow. “What’s that?”
“Think of it like…” Pomni gestured around, the glowing tip of her cigarette drawing faint lines into the air. “It’s a fermented drink made from rye bread. My grandma made it all the time when we visited during summer holiday, and my mom has the recipe from her. Really good stuff.”
“Fermented rye bread… sounds… unique.” Giving it a lazily grinned smile, Jax’ free hand leaned against his cheek, the other still holding his own burnt out cigarette. “I’d be down to try it, though.”
“It certainly is an acquired taste,” Pomni played into the joke before taking another drag of the cigarette. Jax was already on his second — she hadn’t even noticed him lighting it. “My mom loves cooking like she did back home.”
“So, you speak russian?”
“Yeah, a bit. Mainly swear words,” she admitted, gesturing around, looking kind of guilty. “My mom taught me, but I kind of forgot a good chunk after I moved out. I just didn’t have anyone to talk to anymore, so… it kind of went under.”
A flick of his ear was the initial reaction, then, he voiced an observation: “You talk about her a lot, more than your dad.”
Pomni shrugged. “Yeah, he was… kind of absent. Not in a bad way. He didn’t abandon us or run off, but he was just always working,” she added. “He was a truck driver, always on the road and returning only a few times a month. We did miss him a lot when he wasn’t around — and my mom was visibly hit the worst by it.”
Watching her cigarette shrink with each passing moment, the corners of her mouth twitched. “She used to smoke as well. In secret, though. Sometimes when I couldn’t sleep, I got up to look for her. She sat by an open window, smoking and brushing her teeth afterwards. I could still smell it on her, though, and I think she felt bad.”
Jax gave her a faint raise of his eyebrow as he watched her. “It’s not a good habit. But what can you do? Sometimes… it’s the better option.”
“Certainly better than other drugs I suppose,” Pomni mumbled, staring at the last few inches of her cigarette burning down entirely before going out, orange sheen diminished. She kept it in her hand, unable to just litter it about on the grounds. “I’m glad I never started.”
“Yeah, me too.” Jax admitted through a sigh. “There’d been times where I considered. But I always recoiled at the last chance I had, and dropped the thoughts entirely after a while. I was kinda lucky to have Ribbit around to keep me from giving myself into stupid s[ ]it like that.”
“She seemed to have quite the good influence on you,” Pomni stated the obvious, though underneath she still formulated it as a question directed at Jax. “Didn’t she?”
A laugh escaped his throat, followed by smoke. “Yeah, she did,” he supposed. “A very good one for most stuff, and a bad one for others. I spent more money traveling around with her so we could stay close before going off to College. Not my best decision in hindsight, but hey. If you’re close with someone… you follow them for as long as you can.”
“What would’ve happened if you hadn’t followed her?”
“Huh? I— nothing, I guess? We still would’ve been friends,” Jax shrugged, “though it would’ve been way less interesting I suppose. She was a joy to be around.”
“I would’ve loved to meet her,” the Jester shared. “From what you’ve told me so far she sounds like a joyful person to be around.”
“She was. Very much so. As I said before… you two would’ve been friends.” Allowing a smile to show on his face, Jax tilted his head, looking back up into the night sky and it’s numerous stars. “She loved stargazing, a lot. We used to do it all the time during high school.”
“Wait.” Realization settling in, Pomni pushed herself to sit more upright. “That one adventure — the stargazing one — could that have been…”
“Hers?” Jax finished the thought before she could. “Most likely. I couldn’t imagine who else tossed that suggestion in there.”
Voice casual, Pomni witnessed his expression falter. He was anything but casual about it, pain showing itself through the way the corners of his mouth twitched, fighting to stay upturned into that signature grin.
His eyes however told a different story, saying more than Jax’ voice ever could right now.
It’d been her suggestion — and they hadn’t come around to even do it before she’d abstracted. He knew.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought it up,” Pomni conceded, unknowing where to place her hands right now — so she simply fiddled around with them. “My mouth was quicker than my mind I suppose…”
“It’s okay. I had the same thought, actually.” Jax took a deep breath before suddenly leaning against Pomni’s shoulder, half-lidded eyes a faint sheen from his eyes casting itself over his cheeks and her arms. He lingered for a moment, waiting on her approval for the touch — which she gave by leaning in herself, propping her cheek against his head.
“Sometimes I feel like you’re the only constant in this place,” Jax mumbled, exhaling smoke inbetween words. “Everything… everyone, they fade and go eventually, but you? You’re still here, despite all you’ve been put through. And I was just drawn to it. Drawn… to you.”
Pomni simply let him speak, and remained quiet, letting him say whatever thoughts he needed to voice. A scoffed laugh came from him, as Jax realized her intentions, though it wasn’t hard to just give into it and continue talking.
They’d done it before, again and again, mutual agreement in silence standing besides them, waiting for their thoughts to be spilled — intimacy through nothing more but words and noises, not requiring any physical contact whatsoever.
“Can’t even say it happened slowly or anything,” Jax admitted, continuing after sorting through his thoughts. “I basically tripped over my own feet and landed face-first in this mess of emotions.”
Looking back up at her, Pomni could see her own reflection in the vast darkness of the eye left unaffected by the abstraction, a golden sea filled with nothing but glow, and a pale yellow.
“How are you feeling? You said it’s complicated. I’m curious,” Jax spoke, and Pomni felt herself surprised by his question. It’s not the first time he’d asked her input, but still, to her it was utterly foreign — so much so that the Jester caught herself struggling to form words.
Her lips opened and closed a few times without even speaking or making a singular sound — of course he took notice of it, slowly tilting his head against her shoulder until he could see her with both eyes, head almost so low to the point of falling into her lap.
Then, she just allowed his head to rest on her legs, her own hand slowly petting the short fur on it’s upper side, watching his ears fall back in relaxation.
Underneath her gloves she felt the faint static fuzzing whenever her fingers brushed against the borders of the abstracted patches — a feeling familiar, though still strange to experience.
“Well, I suppose… it’s still complicated, but… I can try,” Pomni mumbled, voice low and quiet, words just meant for the two of them. Not even the moon should be able to hear them. “This world? It’s difficult to fully understand, even just the beginnings of it don’t seem to make sense at all. But then, there’s the humans.” Her voice got this certain tone again Jax had heard many times before. “The people within it change and do their thing — and you do, too. It’s such a raw display of humanity, I feel like… it’s tolerable being in here if the folks around you keep reminding you of humanity,” Pomni admitted as she continued to speak. “And especially talking to you gives me a reason to think about myself, my past, mistakes I’ve made and will do in the future. It’s been a while since I’ve did that, and at first I kind of feared it’d cause me to get lost in this world, or even abstract myself…”
She closed her eyes for a bit, concentrating only on the soft, swaying winds grazing her, moving her clothes, and the fur underneath her fingers which she slowly moved.
“Seeing how much I could get moving just by being there, it kind of… boosted my confidence. Knowing I had the ability for this, it made me feel seen. More than I ever felt in my real life, as much as I miss it. I always struggled with that,” she admitted, flat out. “Despite what happened, the experiences I’ve made where I flat out expected myself to break, I still stood clear and managed to pull through. Sure, this world is still nowhere I wanna be stuck in forever, you know? But maybe… it’s more of an opportunity than I saw in it at the beginning.”
“Huh, weird.” Jax made a sound akin to a chuckle, and Pomni gave him a confused look, waiting for his explanation. “That’s kind of how I saw you, if I’m honest,” he continued. “This place seemed so stagnant, even if new people arrived. Most of the time… they became part of the machine, they just stopped being themselves. My mind assigned them archetypes, and I was done with them. But you… you seemed different. You came here all confused and panicking, and then… you just adjusted. But in a different way. Pushing back against what we know, speaking to NPCs, talking back, refusing to let your humanity slip out of your hands. It intrigued me.”
Again, a moment of silence, but this time it was peaceful, before Jax raised his voice once more: “You were everything I thought I could be, before I stopped caring.”
She asked. “And what would be this ‘everything’?”
“Someone who cares. Someone who has the actual guts to care, and to act upon it. Someone who doesn’t get pushed around and lets the game manhandle them to the point of utter apathy.”
Raising his head from her lap, he left a warm spot on her legs, and Pomni almost missed it the second their touch was interrupted.
Though, instead of looking at the top of his head, their eyes met again.
“Are you again referring to our fight?”
“Kinda. But there’s more to it. I’ve seen you — and the others did, too. No wonder they’re so head over heels to talk to you,” Jax joked, and he sat back up again. This time, it was Pomni who leaned against him. She’d never been a fan of touch, but here it felt right — it felt appropriate.
Her head wanted it, and she simply followed suit, never asking the ‘Why? Why him out of all people?’.
Maybe it was his warmth, the way his fur parted on certain parts of his body leaving soft spots her skin brushed against, maybe it was the faint smell of myrrh surrounding him like a barrier keeping everyone but her out.
Pomni wasn’t even sure where the source of that came from, considering how utterly plastic-y and artificial everything felt.
Amidst polygon messes and strings of code, there he was. Becoming… organic. Becoming a glitch in the system, the same system Jax thought he’d played.
Playfully raising an eyebrow, Pomni eyed him, breaking the silence.
“Why do you like me, anyways?” A rhetorical question, almost satirical, moreso playful — but she asked it anyways. She wanted to hear more reasons, even if they were known to hear already. Anything to have them talk, and use the time they still had, however long that would be.
“You laugh at my stupid jokes, like they’re good or something,” he honestly replied, and Pomni couldn’t help but respond to it in the same way — laughing.
She laughed, and something inside of him ached to keep that happiness.
Everything seemingly simply fell into place, and despite his inability to admit it, somewhere deep down it scared Jax how much sense it made to him — and didn’t, at the same time.
He wanted to memorize these moments of her laughing like they were sacred beings, fleeting, vulnerable to time.
All this time he had pretend to be someone else, that he’d forgotten who he even was — but whenever she was near, this seemed obsolete, so far removed.
With her, he could be… himself. Not just anyone, but the person he used to be, and desperately tried to reach again.
Pomni spoke up again. "That can't be all."
"Oh trust, me certainly isn't. But I'd just repeat myself over and over, I fear. There's so much I could say I can't even find the beginning of my thoughts," Jax admitted.
The night surrounded them like a chamber, endlessly stretching on, with a door only they could enter through or leave, encasing them in nothing but stillness and glowing stars.
Not even the moon’s face up in the artificial sky could stop them from feeling surrounded by welcomed vastness and entropy — as if anything could happen at a moment’s notice, and it would only be meant for their eyes.
Pomni rested her head on Jax’ still lingering on her lap, allowing for almost her entire body to lay on it as her arms still cradled him, like a ghost she couldn’t quite let go yet.
Underneath a jacket too large for her own good she felt her breaths staggering in a chest tightening up from uncertainty, from not knowing what might happen at any time.
Every time they’d shared dialogs like this silence befell the area all around them, mutually so, leaving moments to think about each others words without forcing them to say aloud any and all thoughts they might have.
A burned bridge, carefully reconstructed and rebuild from the ground up, hands steadily moving each piece crumbled to the floor, breath coming through clenched teeth while their shoulders shook with tensed up exhaustion.
But for her, it was worth it.
There’d been so much between them, Jax couldn’t even quite tell anymore what exactly had moved him to do this, and yet he found himself picking up pieces every given moment — careful to never let them drop, careful to not misplace them again for the bridge might crumble again at any given time if he wasn’t attentive enough.
And suddenly, the night sky wasn’t as dark as it was before.
“Psst. Little Jester.”
Words so loud and yet so quiet, whispered and shouted at the same time were the reason she woke up at all.
Still dazed by the remains of sleep surging through her system, Pomni took a moment to fully grasp where she even was — outside, still, arms wrapped around Jax’ sleeping frame, both of them still laying in the grass where they’d stargazed during the night.
Now, the formerly indigo banner was slowly losing it’s blueish tint, stripes of red and orange breaking through behind mountain peaks in the distant sky.
“You’re awake. Good.” It didn’t take long for the source of the voice addressing her to become clear, as the moon slowly “You should go back inside. Caine will be around soon.”
Confused, Pomni took a second to realize what the moon had just said, and she blinked heavenward, brows furrowed at the celestial body watching above them. “How do you—…”
“Just go, dear. It’s for the better.” The moon gave her a soft smile, sad almost, a deep and old sorrow behind digital eyes that’d seen more than any player was ever to comprehend. “Don’t make him see you.”
“Thanks for waking us,” the Jester responded, weight of the words finally settling in as she gently shook Jax by his shoulder, feeling a soft dampness underneath her fingers from sweat that must’ve gathered underneath his clothes while they’ve slept — indicators for his still struggling body temperature, and she sighed.
Returning her gaze back to the moon, Pomni spoke up again: “And… for looking out for us. I wouldn’t have known if Caine even returned, he’d been… pretty absent.”
Crease of her smile deepening, the moon gave her a look Pomni couldn’t quite place.
“Anytime, dear.” She sighed. “Caine’s been… difficult these past couple of weeks I fear. It’s not the same anymore, and I’m concerned. But that shouldn’t be your worry.”
“You’re not going to tell him, do you?” A stupid question, but Pomni needed to know — especially after hearing the moon’s words regarding Caine’s behavior. While her hands felt Jax moving and waking up himself underneath her touch, she kept her eye contact with the moon, who shook her head.
“No, I won’t tell him,” the moon spoke. “If you haven’t told him, there must be a reason for that. And I’d hate seeing love being broken up like that.”
Pomni almost choked on her spit when she heard those words, blush quickly rising to her cheeks as she turned her head. “We—…”
Not getting far, she was interrupted by a cough stuck in her throat, earning herself a knowing look from the moon’s face causing her to blush rapidly. “… thanks.”
Quickly distracted by a groan coming from Jax she looked back down at him, witnessing the rabbit slowly pushing himself upwards with strain that shook his muscles, a sight causing her chest to contract faintly.
“What time is it?” He whispered, stretching his entire body and making himself seem even longer than he already was.
“No clue, but late enough,” Pomni mumbled, getting to her feet and wiping her dew-stained hands on her pants. “The moon woke us up before the sun could rise… and she said Caine’s coming around soon. We shouldn’t wait to see if she’s right.”
“Sounds good.” Suddenly, his voice got underlined by an alarmed tone, and Jax rose to his own feet with a speed that ached deeply within his already pained body. “Last thing I want to see happen is Caine appearing and snapping me out of existence.”
He framed it as a joke, as he often did, but Pomni knew his words held a truth she wasn’t capable of admitting just yet.
If Caine was to find out, who knew that he’d do — considering his current mental state, if AIs were even capable of possessing something akin to that.
Not being around, not forcing them into adventures no one’s asked for, it all seemed so utterly wrong from the rhythm Pomni had grown accustomed to these past couple of weeks in the Circus, and yet… it’d changed at the snap of a finger.
Their way back inside the tend was accompanied by dawn slowly rising, painting streaks of purple and red onto the sky as it transitioned, and allowing for just enough light to actually see their surroundings, but not hurt in their eyes — especially Jax’. Inside the Circus morning hasn’t quite reached the others yet, allowing for a swift and quiet passage to their shared room, the hallway’s lights luckily still turned down and they’d remain that way until a few hours later.
Ridding herself of her damp clothes, wet through by the dew they’d been laying in throughout the night, Pomni tossed them into a corner and watched Jax do the exact same.
No hesitation, neither of them truly cared anymore. They’d been in the same bathtub together, leaving little room to even consider if the other took offense to being essentially naked.
There was nothing to even look at, and in a sense, neither minded it.
“You reckon we sleep some more?” Pomni suggested, and Jax’ face returned to his old smile.
“You know me too well,” he replied letting himself fall on the bed, “how could I say no to that?”
Extending his hand towards her she took it, and laid down besides him.
“I feel like I was hit by a truck,” Pomni admitted, interlacing her fingers on her chest. “Despite sleeping for what seems to be hours.”
“It’s the soggy clothes. How in the world could anyone relax if they feel like they’ve ran through a rain shower?” A groan came from his throat as he stretched again, muscles straining underneath damp fur which gradually got it’s volume back when Jax shook his entire body, causing Pomni to raise her hands defensively as she was sprinkled with dew drops.
“Hey, watch it!” She laughed, and he did too. “If you continue on like that we’re gonna have to take another bath just to get comfortable again!”
The rabbit’s reply came swift, and it got delivered with that cheeky grin of his. “Well, I wouldn’t mind.”
“Maybe tomorrow,” she jested, and scooted a bit closer on the bed, watching him do the same on his side — until they suddenly laid directly in front of one another, almost touching but not quite, their breaths grazing each other’s arms like warm wisps of air carried in through an opened window.
They didn’t even need eye contact, though Pomni saw a questioning look inside of Jax’ eyes, which lingered intently on her face.
“Well?” She asked, sounding on the verge of laughter at her own way of wording it. “What are you waiting for?”
“Your consent, maybe?” He couldn’t help but roll his eyes with a grin before fully coming over to her side, taking the initiative and simply grabbing the Jester to put her on top of his chest. Being as tall as he was she barely reached his knees as she laid there, stunned expression quickly turning into laughter.
“I didn’t expect that,” Pomni admitted.
“I initially didn’t plan for it,” Jax shrugged, using a hand to brush stray strands out of her astounded face. Every touch near her face was so utterly gentle, it warmed her. “But you’re warm, and I’m cold, and this way we can both be of use with our body temperatures.”
“Stop being so smooth about it.” Playfully yanking on a few strands of the longer fur lining his chest Pomni rested her head on his shoulder. “Or I might have to bite you again. No— wait, not doing that. We’ve established you’d like that too much.”
“Touché.”
Eyes struggling to stay open, Jax simply closed them, leaning his head a tad backwards until he could feel the pillow underneath it again, shifting his body a bit — one hand on Pomni’s to keep her steady.
A yawn escaped both of them right after one another, followed by snickering.
Jax’ ears perked up at the sound. “Nap time?”
“Nap time.” She didn’t even lift her head to reply to him. “At least till the others get up.”
“Bet.” Burrowing his face in her hair, he smelt a familiar scent of arnica, mixed with clove and star anise, fennel too when he concentrated enough to recall these smells.
They were comforting, and warm, and it didn’t take long for the rabbit to slowly give himself into the embrace of sleep and intimacy.
ART TIMEEEE
Chapter 12: Keeping Secrets
Summary:
A mind so torn can easily be manipulated - and pitched against those previously percieved as allies. What if there's boundaries to seemingly endless patience? How can you convince someone deeply scarred by old happenings, their hands fueled by something akin to revenge? And what if an AI is confronted with human blood? Pomni's about to learn why Kinger had warned her about Caine's involvement in the abstraction case.
Notes:
Welcome back my darling muffin cakes, and I have to apologize for the long waiting time inbetween chapter 11 and chapter 12. As you can see, this update is roughly 25k words in length, took a few re-writes and a lot of shuffling around in both scenes, characters and dialogue until I was finally happy with the end result. Though, as this has taken so damn long to write and stolen a few sleepless nights from me, there will inevitably be a few typos strewn in far and few between. I do hope I can iron them out in the following days while working on chapter 13. :]
As always, art's attached at the end of the chapter! Have fun my superstars!
Chapter Text
Someday I know
You'll come to your senses, and leave me alone
With all of my questions
Oh, I don't have the answer, I can't give you more
I know that you'll never be mine
But I'll always be yours
Whatever they’d called a ‘nap’ before had turned into more ours of proper, deep sleep — so deep in fact that when Jax awoke first, he found Pomni still on his chest, lips softly parted as she breathed faintly, only indicator of it being the moving strands of fur that kept getting pushed over in her rhythm.
He grinned, to himself, and gently pushed himself up from the bed — just enough to place the Jester onto the sheets next to him, watching her mumble something Jax couldn’t understand before she rolled herself into the blanket, continuing sleeping.
I’d need a damn ship horn to wake that woman up.
Silently laughing at his own thoughts he got up from the bed, his own blanket wrapped around shaking shoulders.
Ever since yesterday he’d felt that familiar cold sensation creep back into his body, replacing the unbearable heat stroke, and at this point Jax didn’t even find it worth complaining over. Every time he did, it just changed between either extreme, never finding a middle ground, and he’d rather be cold than hot.
At least he could control the coldness with clothes and blankets, but being hot? There was no real solution given this damned Circus had no windows to allow airflow, let alone air conditioning.
An itch ran through his right arm, and he grit his teeth, sleep-dazed mind annoyingly lifting his other hand, preparing to alleviate himself of the sensation — when his eyes locked onto darkness consuming every strand of fur underneath the dark fabric, fizzled and static outlines glitching about as soon as they got into contact with the air, spreading itself out up to the tips of his fingers.
Several multicolored eyes stared right back at him, their rings slowly turning around themselves.
Jax almost screamed at the sight, left hand quick to clasp itself over his mouth and muffling the choked sound escaping through gritted teeth.
Hastily looking over to Pomni he found her moving about, turning on her other side, blanket tightly wrapped around her body as she grasped onto it.
At least she hasn’t woken up, though the rabbit expected her to — sound of his heart pounding against his ribcage surely audible enough for it.
No— no, why has it spread that quickly? My arm was fine just hours ago!
How could it do so much damage in my sleep, when there was nothing even affecting me?
I was just with Pomni, and—
Pomni.
She’d laid on top of him, and his arms were around her for most of the night.
Had he touched her, had this… thing touched her? All Jax knew about abstractions included one detail — the mere touch of abstracted material could and would corrupt data, erasing and overwriting it to the point where whatever had been at said misfortune of being touched could ceased to exist.
Unless saved.
Left hand shaking, he gently pulled back parts of the blanket around Pomni, ears perking up as she mumbled quietly in disagreement, remaining asleep as Jax’ panicked eyes scanned her up and down.
There seemed to be nothing wrong, polygon body remaining as intact as ever, and a deep, relieving sigh left his shaking frame.
At least she’d been save, and this was all he cared about right now even with the fuzzy, static sensation spreading through his limbs as the rabbit got up from the bed to approach his dresser, still having the hoodie lay on top.
His face hinged between uncertainty and confusion, uncertain if he should wake and tell her — something deep inside his chest contracted, holding him back from raising his unaffected hand and shaking her awake, knowing she needed the sleep… and the feeling of certainty that everything’s alright for the time being.
Considering he hadn’t fully gone off the edge despite his arm slowly being reached Jax felt confident that he might have more control over this than initially expected, and after getting up from the bed to look around for something to cover the arm with, he made the mental decision to not tell her.
Not now, at least, maybe later when she’d come back, knowing she had planned to talk to the others today.
He wasn’t about to ruin her ‘day off’, especially not over something that seemingly didn’t affect him any more than the other patches sprawling across his fur and skin.
Something other than just her day seemed off.
He felt watched. Not just by any eyes, but a pair he’d known for quite a while at this point.
Shadowed by dentures falling across them like a pair of brows, there was a presence unwanted and unasked for surrounding the room, making it feel suffocatingly crammed.
Without even being here physically there seemed to be less space to breathe than before.
Hand hesitating to grab the hoodie, Jax gave up his pride, sighing deeply. Looking less human had always helped disconnecting himself, and he’d refused to use most of these clothing pieces.
A sigh leaving his mouth he grabbed it to dress up, ensuring it’d hide the entirety of his abstracted limb.
With some pulling and adjusting the fabric slipped over his fingers just nicely, and Jax concluded it to have worked — for the time being. Disguising the abstraction forever wouldn’t be a valuable option.
Sooner or later Pomni would find out, and she’d be mad at him for not saying a thing. She didn’t need any more weight on her already loaded mind, at least from Jax’ perspective.
As he sat back down in the bed, the additional weight and shuffling blankets were the last drop needed to finally wake Pomni.
Lifting her head from the pillow she stretching her entire body, softly groaning while doing so, catching the rabbit’s attention as she did.
“Good morning,” he spoke quietly, a smile barely visible on his face cast in shadows from the constellation lamp.
A yawn escaped her, and she stretched another time. First proper sleep in a while, and it’d been after a night of staying up and watching the night sky together. “… mornin’.”
Something seemed off, and it took the Jester a few seconds to realize what it was that kept her eyes occupied this early after waking up.
Slowly pushing herself off the bed she blinked a few times, rubbing the sleep out of her sight until she could make out the shapes draped around Jax’ body — clothing?
He’d rarely, if every worn anything outside of pants or maybe a shirt, so seeing him in the hoodie from last night again caused suspicion to arise inside of Pomni’s mind, watching him through squinted eyes and furrowed brows as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes.
Maybe she’d just mistaken his fur for clothes, though as her vision slowly got clearer, she knew she wasn’t wrong.
Jax indeed wore clothes.
Then, she asked: “You cold?”
Jax nodded, biting onto his tongue — he couldn’t tell her. Not yet. “Yeah.”
Marking his words was a faint shiver coursing through his body, making the ends of his mane stand upright and giving him the appearance of a spooked cat.
Annoyed groan escaping Jax’ throat he used his hand to swipe them back down.
For a second, the glint of an eye seemed to show itself in the shadows of his room, fighting against the soft illumination of the star lamp casting it’s glow onto the walls.
It watched him, pupil rotating about to find someone to lock it’s gaze onto, and Jax refused to turn his head. He’d seen it from his peripheral vision, flinching faintly as he did, his own eyes widening.
Why was this abomination in his room?
Her brows furrowed as her face expressed empathy, a sigh following suit. “Damn. Your body’s still struggling with the temperatures?”
She asked him so innocently it almost made him feel bad having to lie this outright, though Jax kept the bite on his tongue up, nodding another time — feeling like he’d been caught as he flinched at the sound of her voice being raised.
“Seems like it,” he admitted, shrugging it off directly afterwards. Like always. Like clockwork at this point. “Nothing I can’t handle, though. Don’t worry. The clothes are working just fine.”
Her eyes spoke more words than her lips ever could, and he watched her struggle to accept his reply that easily — though, she did, considering discussing it wasn’t going to be worth either of their time.
Jax could be stubborn, and she gave in. For now, that was.
“Alright. I’ll be off to grab some food,” Pomni offered. “And go talk to Zooble.”
She gave him no details why she needed to do exactly that, though Jax wasn’t about to ask.
There were times to, and other times where he knew it wasn’t that deep to inquire about her plans.
Distracted by those thoughts, he missed to reply, and Pomni squinted. Something seemed off, though not enough to make her recognize any new patterns.
“I’ll be back in a bit,” she added, waving the key to catch Jax’ attention which she finally got as he lifted his head, eyes lingering on her for just a second before he turned back around, nodding while he did so. “Maybe you can get some more sleep in. You seem tired.”
If it’d simply been exhaustion that’d be easier — to explain, and to solve. No. He felt watched. Cornered. Confused.
Whispers close to his hear, but whenever he moved them to find the source, they seemed to vanish. Were they whispers? Pleas, screams, affirmations, words of wisdom?
Jax couldn't make them out. They seemed to overlap, many voices talking all at once, unable to even determine what kind of people were even speaking. Children, Adults, Women, Men. They all melted into one.
And yet, he couldn’t say anything about it aloud for the fear of being seen as crazy, paranoid, confused. But that... that's a new state he's felt.
Just watching him sit sunken in like that on the edge of his bed made her feel confused, and leaving him alone in this state had her feel almost bad.
Quite the sudden switch-up, even for Jax. Though, Pomni needed some fresh air for herself, some time to get her head in a different space — as much as she hated having to leave him behind, there was simply no choice in the matter.
After all, some time for herself and possibly a few words with the others might help, and she desperately craved social interactions.
As much as she preferred staying by herself sometimes, even she had to admit it didn’t feel great staying in a dark room all day. And if there was the choice to avoid doing exactly that, then hell, she’d take the light for a bit.
Finally seeing him nod in response to her words she smiled, though it appeared less joyous than usual, coming to exactly nobody’s surprise.
"I'll see you later."
Her words left her lips as she did the room, door falling into it's lock with a hollow sound.
Despite having been here for a couple of weeks, if not even months now, Pomni still felt hesitation guiding her movement whenever she stood in front of someone’s door that wasn’t Jax — or Ragatha, at this point.
Taking in a deep breath she sighed, finally bringing herself to knock on the door, knuckles rapping against the wood with both hesitation and anticipation.
She felt silly for it deep down.
You’re an adult now in your mid 20’s. Why are you acting so shy when knocking on someone’s door, especially if they’d offered you to drop by anytime to talk?
Pomni shook her head, taking another breather that didn’t end in a sigh, keeping her posture straight as she heard steps from inside, door unlocking from the other side before Zooble’s face popped into frame. Like always, they’d changed around their pieces included their antennae, decision today seemingly falling on a yellow T-shape Pomni had seen before, as well as a pink unicorn horn that got a faint, almost unnoticeable smile from the Jester.
She still remembered Jax bringing that damn thing up when she’d first peaked into Zooble’s room on her second day, too overwhelmed to make out any details — and frankly too focused on keeping herself sane.
Thoughts of old running laps, she pushed herself to finally knock, hearing clattering steps inside the room as Zooble seemed to approach before opening the door, sticking their head out and looking around, seemingly for whoever had knocked. It took them a moment before their gaze lowered and make eye contact with Pomni.
“Oh hey. It’s you.”
Pomni almost felt caught — as if it’d be a crime knocking on someone’s door, even after they offered it to her.
The toybox character not even seeing her at first almost had her run off, heart beating with such vigor she felt like they were about to hear the echo.
“Hey. You… got some time?”
“Sure. Come on in.” Zooble opened the door further, letting the woman pass by before closing it again. "Sorry, it's a bit messy. I was cleaning up just now."
"I hope I'm not interrupting in that case."
"Nah." Zooble snorted. "I can use some distraction, actually."
Being let in, Pomni took a proper look around. The third time she’d seen the inside of Zooble’s room — well, properly that is, considering they’d taken a quick peak during the gun adventure before getting interrupted by not only a grenade, but also a barrage of four guns shooting at her and Jax simultaneously. Just thinking about it made her both grin and shiver, at the pain, but also the absurdity of the entire situation.
Zooble’s room was anything but unfitting for them, decorated in varying shapes and colors, though less offensively arranged than those in the main tent — no, these seemed to be sorted in a manner that only a human could, intentionally and with thoughts placed behind them, and it complimented the generally off-putting color scheme of the walls quite… nicely.
As Pomni was still looking around her eyes fell onto the shotgun leaning against Zooble’s wall, and a small cloud of dread tightened inside her chest.
It stood out so vividly against the bright, almost offensive colors demanding every inch of Zooble’s room — the perfect grounds for raging headaches, and Pomni felt almost bad for them having to live in this room.
It appeared like Zooble took little notice of these objects, with almost everything seemingly too neatly arranged to be used on the regular, one exception being the bed and a toybox filled with several spare parts Pomni had seen before.
Though, her attention remained focused on the shotgun.
“Looks like you’ve prepared yourself.” She pushed those words out with some amount of force, trying her best to make light of it for the time being.
“Can’t be too lax with security measures if there might be an abstraction happening any day,” Zooble replied, honest and blunt as always. “After you’ve mentioned having a gun yourself I figured I could go snoop around if there’s something I can use — not just to keep myself safe, but also Gangle and Ragatha. I fear they might not be as willing to defend themselves appropriately if something was to happen.”
“You’re not wrong,” Pomni mumbled, and despite agreeing with them she couldn’t help but feel a certain kind of disquietude build up. “Even though it’s… weird,” she added, admitting to her own emotions regarding this. “He can be hurt by them — it’s… I don’t know. It feels wrong.”
“Yeah, it does,” Zooble agreed, and their words made Pomni look up again. “After the gun adventure we had you ought to think we’re invincible. And then along comes Jax — and he’s…”
They waved their hand about. “I can’t even say organic. Though it doesn’t surprise me, if Abstractions truly do destroy the avatar and mind… who’s to say having these weaknesses isn’t part of it?”
“Kinger wasn’t quite sure himself. But I do want to ask him about it next time I see him,” Pomni spoke. “It is a weird thing indeed, and I can’t blame you for asking yourself these questions. I did, too. Seeing blood and all in the Circus… this was the last place I’d ever expected to see an attempted suicide. Everything’s so bright, cheerful and digital, so sanitized, you’d never think anything dark could even step foot inside of here.”
“This place has stopped surprising me a long while ago,” Zooble admitted. “It’s always chaos, anything can happen. When the first abstraction went down in my presence it did take me back, and sometimes it still does, but what can you do? There’s no use in crying over spilled milk, it’s better to get out some paper to mop it up in case it happens again.”
“That’s an expression I haven’t heard before,” Pomni jested, trying to push down brooding emotions inside of her. Seeing the gun had made her heart sink, though she wasn’t any better — she’d possessed a gun of her own ever since seeing Jax’ abstracted eye, and it’d been over a week now.
“I heard it around somewhere.” Zooble shrugged. “You made any preparations?”
“Not… really. Well, I have that one gun…” Pomni admitted. “I still have it in my own room. Haven’t brought it back into Jax’ room since… the incident.”
She saw the empathic look she’d been shot by Zooble, trying her best not to acknowledge the sting inside of her chest as they replied: “Understandably so.”
“I feel like if I was to bring anything resembling a weapon…” Shrugging, she exhaled a rather disappointed sigh. “It might lead to another horrible happening. Even just the thought scares me. And I’m not even sure if it’d be because he uses it on himself… or me at myself, if things continue to spiral like that.”
The last part was supposed to be said in a more joking manner, though Pomni could’ve slapped herself for voicing these thoughts aloud, considering Zooble’s profoundly confused and worried look they shot her.
“You’re not considering… that, are you?”
Pomni quickly shook her head, losing any jest previously present on her face, regardless of how light it’d been. “No. Sorry. That was a tasteless joke.”
“You’re under a lot of pressure.” They formulated it as a statement, and Pomni couldn’t help but agree — through her looks, and her reply.
“I know. I’m quite aware. Maybe that’s why I was saying that stuff. The most stress I endured back in my old life was… well, work. And annoying people who’s word I had to follow,” she added. “I used to dread the stale life of being an accountant, but now? I kinda long for it to be back.”
“A lot of us do. We experience a lot of hardship in the real world certainly, but sometimes it all pales in comparison to those in the Circus,” Zooble mumbled. “I do find myself wishing for something inbetween from time to time. A good compromise. Whimsy… but with boundaries.”
Pomni snorted quietly. “Try putting boundaries on whimsical events. Feels like a contradiction.”
“Maybe it is. Though… if I had to chose, I’d pick my real life again. At least we’re capable of doing what we like to do in our human bodies, do the things we’re used to.”
Their eyes befell their mismatched limbs for a second, and Pomni couldn’t help but do the same for her own body.
She’d still not really gotten used to this weird avatar, even though it oddly worked in a way to represent her in the digital world.
Not a choice she’d made willingly, but one cast upon her by this world. No use in crying, as Zooble had graciously mentioned before — make the best from it.
“Anyways…” Getting up from their bed, Zooble looked back down at Pomni, who blinked upwards. “I don’t wanna cut this little exchange short, but we were actually planning a little gaming evening. You wanna join in? We can continue our talk there if you’d like.”
Throwing them a questioning look, Pomni asked: “Gaming evening?” What kind of games would they have around in here?
“A few board games. Ragatha found them in one of the many boxes Caine keeps around,” Zooble explained, making a small gesture. “We figured… why not lift the mood a bit by playing. You can join us, if you like. Gonna have to set up the main area, but it shouldn’t take too long. If we’re lucky we can even sneak some snacks from the kitchen before Bubble notices.”
Pomni didn’t even have to think about it. She could really use a few hours off of ‘abstraction duty’, get herself some time with the others after neglecting being around them for the past week. Surely there would be nothing wrong with it, and being reassured in Jax handling himself for a couple of hours without her being present, the Jester found herself nodding along to Zooble’s offer.
“Sure, why the hell not? I could use some distraction.”
“Glad to have you join in on us,” Zooble responded, a smile in their voice. “Let’s go then.”
Pomni pushed herself off the bed, tugging on her shirt she’d been wearing, feeling it a bit too laid back for a get together with the others. “Yeah, sure. Lemme just grab some clothes from my room real quick,” she offered, pointing towards the hallway with her thumb as she approached the door. “I’ll be right with you downstairs.”
“Sounds good. See ya downstairs, then.”
Just a few doors down, something seemed off. A lot of things appeared off, to be quite honest, and Jax found himself fighting back against the perception of reality he’d been troubled with.
Was it even reality? Was it another hallucination? It certainly couldn’t be real, considering everything seemed to spin, invisible hands pulling him down to the floor, though he remained up and steadied himself on the bed, the room darker than ever. Not even the hallway’s lights shone underneath his door, no shadows, no nothing. He couldn’t even recall the sensation of luminosity, or how his room looked.
Where was he? There was no concept of time he could recall, no concept of places or people either.
Bright lights, shrill noises, quivering sight despite all of the darkness surrounding him.
He trashed his head, trying to make sense of this weird environment stretching seemingly endlessly around, driving him further and further to the brink of breaking.
There was no loneliness down here. He was being watched, by their many eyes, their many voices still attempting to push through.
“Stop,” he breathed, hands gripping onto his head, claws digging into skin just to feel anything else but the pressure rising inside of him. “Just stop already!”
It didn’t stop. It couldn’t stop. Pressure rising, threatening to simply burst out at a moment’s notice, and he couldn’t do anything.
He was helpless, having to surrender to a feeling so utterly deafening and painful it managed to block out any other input from his senses.
There was simply that damned shrill noise filling his ears no matter how hard he tried to ignore it.
Sounds of crashing waves seemed to come from somewhere in the darkness, water trickling in furious streams — an ocean? Possibly.
Made from nothing but black void, slick and sticking to his body like oil, coating him in it like he’d fallen into it’s stream without even noticing it, threatening to fill his lungs with every desperate attempt at breathing made.
His eyes darted around in both confusion and fear, clinging onto the last bits of his humanity and human set of behavior threatening to get taken over by the prey instinct blooming in his mind, and Jax found himself encased in nothing but dread and fear swallowing him whole.
Glowing, colorful eyes offensively bright shining into his own, and when he turned around, he could clearly see the jagged outlines of other abstractions surrounding him — like he’d been dropped into the cellar without his knowledge.
Or where they in his room? Who was to say what was real and what wasn’t?
He certainly couldn’t say for sure, unable to trust any of his senses.
Sight, hearing, smell, even taste. Metal and sour stenches clinging to his tongue and nostrils, and he heaved through it.
The second his abstracted fingers made contact with the locked door, the brass knob glitched out, fizzling on the edges and losing it’s entire shape immediately.
Scared by it Jax jumped back a few inches, watching the door’s lock disintegrate into nothing more but a mess of jumbled coding and patterns, a soft click indicating the door itself had opened up.
And suddenly, his mind went blank in the matter of a second passing, bright lights from the hallway hitting the rabbit’s face — feeling like he’d got punched, pained yowl escaping clenched jaws as Jax raised his arms to block out such disturbing sensation violating his senses. That damned ringing had never been as loud before.
Steps echoed out in the hallway, light and almost too quiet to be audible, but his hearing picked up on it, taking to these gentle sounds like a dog to the scent of prey, and in his torn and twisted perception nothing seemed right as it was — he had to do something, and eliminating the source of these awful noises might be the solution Jax’ mind had been looking for. Peace and quiet, and serene entropy, silence even. How could one possibly remain sane when all their head did was scream and trash like a rabid animal caught in a hunter’s snare?
Overwhelmed by the slightest sensation around him he found himself scrambling to get to the shadows across the corner, an area where the hallway’s lights didn’t reach, breaths coming ragged and painfully forced as his wide-shot eyes stared around, trying to make out what was happening through a hazed, foggy vision reminding him of how the world had looked like when he’d almost lost himself — but worse.
Hiding out in the shadows he grew witness to someone walking down the hallway, though away from him, possibly on their way to the main area.
Conscious enough to not follow them he retreated further back into the shadows, a torn mind struggling to comprehend why he was even out here — and what action to take next, considering everything seemed to scream his name.
There simply was no silence for him to indulge into, and Jax’ ears pinned backwards as he tried to block out the muffled screeching of his senses, rubbing over his eyes for the vision to finally fade, to little success.
Everything remained as hazy as it’d been before, and a low growl escaped clenched jaws, abstracted claws digging into the carpet below.
Finally, echoes of the steps subsiding in the distance, leaving him in utter silence again, welcomed so — and he laid down, sensation of fabric against his skin making everything prickle and itch unbearably.
It seemed the second something faded, another one of his senses acted up, enclosing him in an overstimulating prison he wasn’t able to escape unless he tore himself right out of his own body.
Nevertheless, the worst was yet to come.
Playing out behind closed doors, no one in the hallway had even suspected a thing as they passed by Jax’ door.
While Zooble was already heading out to the tent’s main area, Pomni was quick to return to her own room to fetch some better clothes to wear, lamenting how barren her own room’s furniture looked like compared to the toybox character’s — though when she caught herself in these thoughts, she shook her head.
It’s not that deep. And I’m not even spending a lot of time in here anyways, so why would it even bother me? It’s… functional, at least.
She took a deep breath, closing the dresser’s drawer after picking out everything she needed. It’s not like she’d live in here forever… hopefully.
A temporary solution surely, and better than nothing. At least they’d been given any sort of privacy, which had surprised her.
An AI like Caine considering humans valued spaces for themselves and the ones closest to them?
Who knew if it’d even been his idea to begin with, or whoever programmed this hellhole.
Pomni certainly didn’t know, nor did she want to know right now. There were better things to think about, and a few hours of boards games seemed to serve as the perfect distraction for her busy mind to calm down.
Leaving her room, she turned around to face the hallway’s exist, feeling a tad more confident in approaching the social event now — unknowing of any brewing events starting to form in the shadowed distance; not even realizing another door had opened just a creak, quiet; watching and cautious eyes staring down her back from further away.
She came down from the stairs, watching a person wave from her peripheral vision.
Turning towards them she witnessed Zooble and Ragatha already seated on the couches, boardgames on the table between them and looking out for her, seemingly in some questioning anticipation.
“Hey, have you seen Gangle around in the hallway? We were waiting on her getting her sketchbook from my room, but she hasn’t come back yet.” They called out, and Pomni came in closer, held tilted in curiosity.
“No, I haven’t,” she replied, eyes scanning over both the toybox character and Ragatha, sitting opposite to them and awkwardly waving as the Jester approached. “I could go look for her, though.”
“That’d be lovely,” Ragatha chimed in. “We're almost ready setting everything up.”
“If you’re okay with waiting on me, I don’t want to stay away for too long and not tell Jax where I am. And I can look for Gangle, too," Pomni added, nodding towards the stairs she'd just descended.
“Sounds good,” Zooble agreed, nodding their head. “She was on her way to my room.”
“Gotcha.” The Jester nodded. “I’ll be right back.”
How wrong she was even saying these words Pomni didn’t know yet — though she was about to find out.
Quickly making her way back towards the hallway leading to their quarters the Jester looked around, recalling her mental map of each member’s door.
Zooble’s was pretty far down, as she remembered from her earlier visit, quick strides guiding her towards it.
“Gangle?”
The hallway’s lights had already been dimmed, automatically no doubt, and making out anything in the shadowed corner seemed almost impossible.
Pomni stepped ever closer, carefully so, each step placed with consideration and as quiet as a cat treading a hunting path.
She wasn’t even certain what exactly caused her to behave like that, having grown familiar to the hallway without issue, though she felt… watched.
Calling out another time, Pomni found Zooble’s door popping open, familiar mask looking at her, a mixture of confusion and sadness painting the scowl on Gangle’s face.
“Yeah?”
“Oh, there you are. Zooble was looking for you. Is everything okay?” Approaching the door, Pomni for a second saw a colorful flicker on the edge of her vision, though she ignored it initially — concluding it must’ve been a piece of painting or furniture object standing further down the hall. “They were concerned since you were up here for so long.”
“Oh, sorry.” Almost hiding behind the door, Gangle tucked her head in a bit further, appearing embarrassed to have someone sent to fetch her. “I couldn’t find my sketchbook, so I… searched around. I still haven’t found it.”
“I can help you look if you’d like,” Pomni offered, watching the woman’s face light up from her almost dreadful expression, stepping back from the door to allow the Jester inside.
“Yeah… that’d be nice. Thank you, Pomni.”
“Anytime.”
A significant amount of stuff had already been searched, tossed to the side though not without mind, rather gently put aside to make room for another search. She felt almost bad having to contribute, considering Zooble had just seemingly tidied up their room when she'd come to visit.
Pomni decided on a corner she’d seen before during her morning visit, the wall with the shotgun and the toybox, where she knelt down to search through the chest.
Several multi-colored pieces belonging to Zooble were strewn far outside the box, seemingly just tossed into it’s general direction without much care — not her place to judge, though, her apartment had looked worse during the weekdays when there’d simply been no time to clean. Though, something stood out with it’s dark color against almost offensively colored pieces, and Pomni’s hands soon found a rectangle book underneath the clutter.
“Got it!” Triumphantly holding up the sketchbook, Pomni extended it towards Gangle coming in closer. “It was behind the chest.”
“Oh! It must’ve fallen in there when we moved the desk earlier,” the ribbons responded, a delighted smile on her somber face as she pressed the booklet against her chest. “Thank you again, Pomni.”
“Don’t mention it.” Returning the shy smile on Gangle’s face, the Jester got up again. “Come on, let’s go down. The others are waiting with the board games.”
Grin still present on her mask, Gangle was quick to get up again. “Alright!”
Leaving Zooble’s room together Pomni ensured the door fell properly back into it’s lock, hearing the clicking noise.
Following it, a low rumble seemed to chase it’s echo throughout the hallway, having her head snap back, brows furrowed in perplexity at the sudden emerge of noises that seemingly didn’t belong in here.
“Did you hear that?” She asked towards Gangle, who in turn looked up from her sketchbook she’d been inspecting.
“Hear what?” Gangle responded, questioning gaze following Pomni’s own into the far distance, where the hallway took a sharp left turn, no lights illuminating a fairly long strip of it, leaving softly blurred shadows behind.
Something didn’t seem right, but Pomni made a point in continuing onwards to the others with Gangle in tow, even though a thought inside her mind itched for her to explore.
She couldn’t just… let this slide, could she? Once more the sensation of being watched returned, and Pomni came to such sudden halt Gangle threw her a confused glance, blinking as she watched the Jester turn her head and stare down the hallway.
“Is… everything alright?” Her voice was lowered to barely a whisper, and Pomni almost didn’t hear her over her own thoughts.
Not giving her a response for now she squinted her eyes, watching the shadows seemingly move — and move they did, backwards, like a person shuffling out of sight, and causing Pomni to shoot back alarmed, startling Gangle with her sudden reaction who in return shrieked, causing the shadow to suddenly re-emerge, a shape she had hoped to not see out here.
“… F[ ]ck.”
Unable to mutter any other word but a simple swear, a growing suspicion comfortable nested itself in Pomni’s mind, her chest contracting from realization she didn’t want to believe, carefully stepping towards the shadow.
She’d refused to investigate the one instance after Caine’s failed underwater adventure, she wouldn’t back down now.
If it’s Jax, I’m actually going to drown myself in that damn lake Caine had shown me all the way back. He can’t be outside.
How could he? I locked—
The door…
Considering the multicolored glow coming from around the corner Pomni ought to be cautious, heeding to her own thoughts about keeping proper distance.
Deep down, she knew it must be Jax. And she knew one thing — the door hadn’t been locked. She’d forgotten about it, and he was outside.
For what reason, Pomni did not know. But she was about to find out in a way she’d never anticipated or wanted.
“Oh f[ ]ck.” Her expression escaped breathy, through a mouth hanging open in utter terror. Pomni had not expected him to look like that, and her chest felt heavy. There was no idea inside of her mind which could help, if there even was time to help at all. Light steps behind her indicated Gangle had followed her, and the Jester immediately held out her hand to stop her. “Gangle?”
“Yeah?” A shaky voice, knowing that something must be terribly wrong for the Jester to react in such a way.
“It’d be better if you go to the others.” Pomni’s voice came pressuring, making it clear she wasn’t looking to argue or explain, and a faint nod came from the woman behind her.
Though, there was one question Gangle couldn’t refuse to ask, though she kept distance. “Alright… is everything okay?”
“I’m about to find out. Just go back to the others.”
“Okay… call if you need us… I suppose…” Gangle’s quiet voice almost got drowned out by the static noise ringing in Pomni’s ears as her anxiety levels rose above what she was capable of handling, trying her best to push them down — and successfully doing so as she heard Gangle’s steps finally fading in the distance, knowing she’d at least be alone if anything was to happen. Just Jax and her, and she finally spoke up despite her lips feeling so incredibly heavy.
“Jax? How are you— how did you open the door?”
Her voice had no hint of trembling — but not patience either, an itch inside of her body to figure out what happened between her leaving him by himself and finding him out in the hallway surged throughout the Jester’s body.
Maybe it'd been a bad decision to call out for him, ask him this question.
His eyes shot up, wild and uncontrolled, and they fixated on every moment of hers, though he himself remained steady, unmoving and frozen like a deer in headlights.
A low growl escaped through clenched teeth, sharp and pointy unlike he usual flat smile. A sight that frightened her.
Sure, she’d seen these kind of teeth before, sharp and almost cartoonish triangular, but whatever had happened throughout the abstraction seemed to take a more wild, animalistic influence on the data that made up the rabbit’s avatar.
Dread finally sinking in, Pomni froze as she stood there, watching the gory scene unfolding, incapable of doing anything but watch on.
It was then when he suddenly charged towards her, like a wild animal on all fours, which seemed both appropriate and completely wrong considering his avatar’s anatomy — though, Pomni had only ever seen him on two legs, and her eyes widened in what she could only describe as cold terror surging throughout her body.
Everything seemed to slow down at once, and it felt like she could see each individual strand of fur on the rabbit’s body move, the way his eyes were locked onto her, the reflection of light in the claws of his normal hand; the slow blinking of the stars scattered across blue and black nothingness in the abstracted patches of his right arm and hand, now losing most of it’s form, appearing jagged and surrounded by static fuzz.
Quickly raising a hand defensively, she tried to minimize the damage — though far too late.
Time slowing down immediately cutting down the second his claws made contact with her skin, and Pomni felt a sharp pain in her left shoulder, tumbling backwards from not only surprise, but also the bodily force as she was pushed to the ground, feeling the carpet scrape against skin painfully.
Any weight applied to her left arm had burning sensations shoot down from her shoulder joint, and she hissed a pained response.
She knew there was no use trying to talk or shout, calling out — abstracted people didn’t exactly think anymore about their doings.
They didn’t recognize faces, or people, they just… attacked whatever came into their field of vision, whatever moved enough to attract their attention.
Like feral animals, like rabid animals they sought to destroy whatever dared to trigger this aggressive response… which just happened to be her.
Behind her, the sound of a cocked gun barrel had the Jester flinch, turning her head in time to meet mismatched, hate-filled eyes and a finger ready on the trigger.
There were no words exchanged between them. There didn’t need to be any, truly. She had questions, though little need for answers right now.
When the trigger’s click echoed throughout the hallway, it wasn’t just their finger applying pressure.
It was anything but a simple shot to take. In a sense, one could almost call it ‘revenge’, an opportunity, knowing anything they’d do now to neutralize the threat wouldn’t help the one person who’d fallen victim to him first.
She hadn’t even heard Zooble approach — maybe she did, too distracted by the horrifying sight to even take notice, but she’d never been more appreciative of them being around than now.
Pomni’s expression spoke more than her voice ever could, and within a split second the hallway was filled with nothing more but the disgusting stench of gunpowder and singed flesh, accompanied by a scream, almost drowned out by the shotgun’s loud, blaring blast.
Somewhere in the tent, voices appeared, scared by the sudden and quite tumultuous ongoings within shared spaces.
It wasn’t fear that struck Pomni and ran through her veins, but moreso indifference, confusion, visibly cringing at the scene left after the dust settled.
Bloody pieces of fur and skin everywhere, surely cleaned with the snap of a finger — if Caine had known about this. He didn’t, and they had to remove all traces as to not bring up suspicion of any kind.
Her stomach turned at the thought, and she pushed it down as quickly as it rose inside her.
Below gunsmoke and powder slowly allowing for better sight as Jax’ terrified gaze met theirs, first locking eyes with Pomni, then Zooble, coming to a blood-drenched face filled with both confusion and a feral kind of rage neither of them was patient enough to deal with. Their shot had missed his head by mere inches, taking off a good chunk of his ear instead of going right through.
Terror changed to confusion, and then straight into violent anger — an expression she would’ve never assumed to ever see on the face of another person, not in the Circus, not in the real world.
It appeared animalistic, rooting itself in utter feral rage boiling beneath skin spotted by static darkness who’s eyes maniacally looked around, never quite deciding where to look.
In a sense, it distantly reminded Pomni of her confrontation with Kaufmo, a thought that did not quite help to snap her out of the frozen stance she’d assumed right between herself and Jax, who got back to his feet seemingly without much issue after the shotgun blast.
A shadow befell her, Zooble putting themself in front of the woman still cowering on the carpet, staring down the abstracted avatar right in front of them before he suddenly came in closer again, swift and deadly, and Zooble wasn't about to let this one slide, either. If Jax wasn't going to back up at the warning shot, they'd have to amplify the message.
Using nothing but the end of the shotgun Zooble simply slammed it downwards the second he'd come into their range, a hit connecting brutally with whatever might be underneath Jax’ skin, and he recoiled at the impact.
They’d hit exactly where head and neck connected, viscious sound design following their motion, and Pomni finally brought herself to physically recoil from the scene — out of disgust, and not necessity.
She didn’t even know why she’d been frozen in the first place, whether it be the iron-soured air, the revolting sight of her own blood on his hands, or the way Jax’ abstracted eye stared them down — or the pain that’d bloomed within her shoulder the moment he had gotten to it.
A wild animal cornered, now injured enough to plan it’s retreat, and he seemingly disappeared into the shadows where the hallway turned around a corner, his steps echo fading out into the distance for silence to return to the scene, only partially interrupted by Zooble’s angered breaths, her own panicked ones, and a small whimper that seemed to belong to Gangle — not making it out in time to not lay witness.
As Pomni looked over to Zooble, their eyes met for a moment.
Without even saying anything their anger became as clear as day, a livid, almost steaming aura surrounding them, eyes reflecting off exactly what must’ve gone through their head when their finger unapologetically pulled that trigger. Chest heaving with aggravated breaths, Zooble’s grip around the bloodied shotgun grew ever tighter, wood faintly creaking as their mismatched hands applied pressure.
“Good thing I was prepared,” they spoke, words and tone so cold it ran a shiver down the Jester’s spine. She couldn’t formulate any response, feeling too utterly numb to do so. Zooble’s anger was evident, and they made no effort hiding it. Why should they, anyway? “And Gangle got me in time. Would’ve looked worse if I wasn’t.”
Pomni couldn’t speak, so she just nodded, hand still raised and shaking in terror and fear that never subsided, even with Jax now out of the picture and Zooble standing next to her, extending a hand to help her off the floor.
Their eyes scanned the Jester, worrying expression giving attention to the scratches on her shoulder.
“You’re bleeding,” they spoke, and Pomni blinked, too out of it to even realize what had happened — or that she’d gotten injured.
“I am? Oh.” Lifting her arm the Jester assessed the injuries, making eye contact with the scratches that’d broken skin, foreign sensation considering they weren’t supposed to get injured like that.
“Want me to help you clean up?” Still expressing concern, Zooble tilted their head. “He’s got your shoulder pretty good.”
“Nah, I don’t think I need help with it. It’s just scratches, I think.” She tugged at the torn pieces of her shirt’s sleeve, not wanting to feel the fabric on the affected skin. It for sure stung and hurt, but the claws hadn’t gotten too deep. The pain laid deeper than that, though, making her chest contract and heart burn with something she couldn’t quite describe yet, and she very much so wasn’t looking to admit it to Zooble. “You’d be better off looking for Gangle, she could use your support more than my scratched arm right now. She seemed pretty shaken.”
“You sure I can leave you alone? Jax is still around.” Zooble’s voice made their worry quite clear, and them not immediately leaving upon being told they could helped alleviate the dreadful pit in Pomni’s stomach — though not entirely.
“Yeah. I can handle this.” I think.
Pomni blinked when Zooble extended the shotgun towards her, and shook her head. “Not gonna need it. I think the first shot has gotten it’s message across clearly enough.”
“Alright.” Cluttering noises were the only sounds echoing off the silent walls of the hallway as Zooble left, shotgun still in hand. Pomni could hear them turning their head from time to time — ensuring everything was under control, leaving despite not wanting to, and ushering Gangle along with them downstairs as they met at the hallway’s entrance.
Pomni felt almost compelled to follow them, turn on her heels and simply walk away from what was about to come.
She’d rather be somewhere else right now, but there was work to do. They didn’t manage to hit any critical spot — she assumed as much, and she didn’t care right now.
Everything swirled around in her head, any thought she could even consider having, and ringing filled her ears. He’d attacked her, and the Jester didn’t exactly know how to react.
Was there even a way to react? She felt so utterly numb towards it. All she knew was that she wanted to look for him.
Maybe getting hit over the head with a heavy shotgun had helped pulling him out from whatever set of behavior he’d assumed for the time being.
It’d most likely been the abstraction’s work, Pomni knew as much, and yet this drop of knowledge didn’t help alleviating her from her ribcage contracting at the thought of him charging her.
She approached Jax, who recoiled, several smaller eyes illuminating his dark patches. They met her gaze, and she sneered at them in contempt, unable to bear their staring from wavering rings.
It reminded her of the way Kaufmo’s abstracted form had stared her down right before taking chase, and triggered the rising urge of her flight instinct.
Pomni shook her head, managing to tear her attention from the eyes before they closed themselves, leaving the starry, messy marks silent and static once more.
Jax’ main eyes on the other hand looked up, mixture of fear and anger brewing up from inside. He appeared more than a trapped animal than a person, making it even weirder to approach him like that — with intent, and not backing down.
The dog that wept after it killed was no better than the dog that kept silent, their teeth still barren coated in flecks of red blood, stained for eternity no matter how hard they’d attempt to clean it off.
Just watching a feral display like that made her chest contract, and kneeling down next to Jax felt like weight had been stacked upon her shivering shoulders and back; skin crawling with both freezing coldness and stinging warmth, concentrating on the torn skin across her shoulder, reaching down her arm, taking a lot of mental energy to be pushed aside.
You’ve done it before. Ignore it. Simple as that.
There will be a time for that… later.
Out of sight.
Out of mind.
My mind.
“Don’t give me that look,” she mumbled as their eyes met, going down on one knee for a better look at his face, hands grabbing his jaw and getting a proper look at his injuries.
Her hands shook, not from fear, but anger — anger she couldn’t quite place yet, but it surged throughout her veins nontheless.
It wasn’t personal, Pomni knew as much, though she couldn’t help suppressing it while her mind ran laps around her own safety and the utterly horrifying experience she’d just witnessed.
Never being good around blood even if it was her own, Pomni struggled keeping her emotions out of this, and didn’t attempt to in turn as her grip got faintly stronger, watching Jax’ face twitch in response.
She almost reacted the same way, feeling her muscles contract in fear.
“Consider yourself lucky they only got your ear,” she continued on. “Could’ve been worse, considering it was Zooble who had the gun.”
Her disdain was pretty noticeable, and Jax felt it as much as he saw it inside of Pomni’s face. A face he’d held the night before, admired the softness, which all seemed to went away the second he laid his eyes on her now.
Looking to the side all tension fell from his frame, dropping so heavily his head almost slipped from her fingers if it hadn’t been for Pomni’s iron grip.
“What the hell happened?” Pomni continued her asking as she scanned him, confusion slowly starting to slip underneath her words, not even certain if she’d get a verbal answer from Jax right now considering his state. “What caused this?”
A few moments passed by in which nothing but silence accompanied them before she got granted a vocal response by the rabbit.
“Nothing happened,” he grunted through teeth clenched in pain, “I just saw red, and it all went into fuzzy static.”
“Do you even realize you attacked… us?” Pomni couldn’t bring herself to say ‘me’.
Not yet. It lingered in the back of her mouth like stomach acid during heartburn.
“Not until I was hit with the gun,” Jax admitted. “When that happened… it all came back in an instance. No clue what happened before that.”
His uninjured ear twitched, and he looked to the side, face pulled into a scowl, eyes brimmed with unshed tears — of both anguish, and rage, directed at himself. “F[ ]ck.”
“Yeah, f[ ]ck indeed. God, Jax. I don’t know what to say.” Pomni’s hands left his head, and it drooped down the second she didn’t hold him up anymore.
“Then don’t say anything for now,” he mumbled, eyes averting hers, “leave that for later.”
“Consider yourself lucky Zooble handled the part regarding consequences already,” Pomni murmured, moreso to herself, ignoring his comment.
She’d leave it for later, surely — though not in the way he might’ve anticipated it to happen. Unlike Zooble she couldn’t have pulled the trigger. Beneath blackened and oily fur, static patches, there was still Jax.
The same Jax that continued his rambling in a quiet, low voice: “They should’ve aimed for my brain and ended it all right then and there— ouch!”
He yelped as Pomni gave the fur on his cheeks and neck a proper yank, drawing him in closer.
The rabbit couldn’t help but meet her eyes, now filled with a fury he’d never seen in Pomni before — not even when she’d attacked him during their verbal argument, and those eyes had been wild to witness already.
“Don’t you dare say that again,” she hissed, though less in anger and moreso in desperation and exhaustion — the pain surging through those scratches on her arm fueled it even further. “I’ve put so much time into finding any solution for this. For us. I’m done with this self-pity of yours. Just be honest for once, dammit! You get that?”
This time, even Jax seemed surprise of her demeanor, blinking through a wide-eyed stare before slowly and carefully nodding, trying not to loose more fur than he already had. “Very… much so.”
They both knew Pomni had a point, and even though he agreed with it, he had no intention displaying any pity for himself — rather, it was a pretty bad attempt at trying his hardest to grasp onto that long lost humanity.
Not for himself, but… for her. Owning up to a mistake, though less graceful than he’d imagined it to be.
“Good.” She finally let go and rose to her feet, limbs still faintly shaking with anxiety she didn’t quite rid herself of just yet. “I’ll care for your ear in your room. Come on.”
Like often, Jax realized she’d put himself in front of her own well-being. He saw the injuries on her arm, smelled the fresh blood staining both skin and fabric, and he almost hesitated as he watched her extend her hand towards him.
As he was shot another look of hers he took Pomni’s hand without second guessing — possibly fearing another threat hurled his way, though knowing her patience it’d be anything but a threat.
It would be a promise.
Simply too tired to upkeep anything but her true exhaustion Pomni threw him another quick glance, ensuring he was capable of walking on his own.
That he was, head hanging low, still experiencing pain from being hit with the shotgun no doubt, though she didn’t offer anything — no words, no reassuring glances, nothing.
They’d entered a stage Pomni feared would never come to light before Kinger found a solution, and even less so hoped it’d affect the others.
Neither of them had to say a word, Pomni knew the door hadn’t been properly locked.
She’d been too worn out, forgetting the one security measure that’d helped containing Jax and his abstraction for the time being, and she’d paid for it, realization surged throughout her body, cold and unforgiving.
Partly, this had been her own fault. If she’d checked the door like she’d always done it wouldn’t have opened, and he wouldn’t have gotten outside, wouldn’t have been triggered by the light… her thoughts ran spirals, and Pomni quickly found herself putting a barrier between them and herself, shutting them out with vigor and intent.
There would be time to deal with them later, first she had to clean up the mess… and then confront the others. An apology seemed appropriate.
As he was helped off the floor Jax saw the bloodied stains on her sleeve, ears perking up in an alarmed manner, wanting to ask what had happened — and refraining from doing so when he saw Pomni’s expression.
She knew exactly what he was thinking, and shut it down before they could engage in conversation about it.
Grasping the knob to his door she came to quite the horrifying realization — she’d indeed not properly locked the door, seeing how the mechanism hasn’t sprung into place like it usually did, and cold shivers ran down her body as she laid eyes upon it. Jax felt her tension, though didn’t speak up, and it was for the better.
Neither of them needed to talk right now, both feeling each others conflicting emotions, and back inside Pomni silently closed the door, inserted the key and locked it again.
“Get on the bed,” she instructed him. “I might still have some stuff around for first aid.”
Frozen on the spot, Jax didn’t attempt to move. Instead, his arm twitched, appearing as if he was about to reach out — for her, or for something else, neither seemed to know. “I’m—…”
“Don’t say anything right now.” Her voice was as flat as her face. “Just let me find my things.”
A nod signaled his understanding, slowly heaving his body onto the bed.
Every limb of his own felt like it got weighted down by metal, or even invisible hands tugging at his, trying to pull him beneath the surface of slicked, viscious liquid that’d covered the room’s floor in his previous hallucination.
Quickly shaking his head Jax rid himself of the visual, trying to remain distracted or he might risk slipping into the abstracted state again — and he couldn’t risk it. Not with Pomni in the same vicinity, not… again.
Rewarded by the sight of the remaining first aid inventory, Pomni was quick to pull the little box out of it’s containment and return to the rabbit on the bed, fishing through several single-use items until she was able to find her desired ones: Disinfectant, and disposable sterile wipes.
“This may sting,” she spoke, almost to herself, and for a moment she seriously considered simply putting the disinfectant on her own wounds, knowing how much her pain tolerance hated the burning sensation of it on freshly torn open skin.
Maybe it’d serve as a good distraction from her mind falling in on itself, struggling to upkeep an unbothered mask.
And Jax knew exactly what Pomni was doing — he’d done it for years himself, having seen how a person’s face and eyes changed when they played a part, hiding their true intentions, thoughts and feelings underneath what seemed to be unmoving facial features.
Despite the Jester’s warning, he did flinch when the wipe was brought to his ear, making contact with raw skin, furthering a nauseating feel deep down in his throat.
Being this… biological, this non-digital, it didn’t feel right. And yet, it all must still be simply polygons and code, considering it existed within this digital space.
Jax didn’t turn his head, but his eyes wandered over to Pomni’s working frame, watching how focused her eyes remained, never quite blinking, body unnaturally still outside her hands and arms — and even their movement appeared stilted, almost held back by muscles clenching up.
She was angry, visibly so, fuming almost.
And he couldn’t even blame her for it, feeling the disappointment, confusion, questions and anger radiate off of her body, through the fabric torn at the shoulder, and he couldn’t help but keep his sight on those scratches.
Injuries he’d caused, for no reason in particular. Being back in the dark, having his senses calmed once more, Jax finally allowed his mind to settle and open up, considering the consequences of his doings.
Deep down, he knew it wasn’t anyone’s fault, truly. Not Pomni’s for not checking upon the doors lock, and not his for being overwhelmed by this own senses until he tried to open the door — and succeeding.
Restless fingers plucking at the sheets, Jax finally brought himself to speak, voice hoarse in the back of his throat, almost a whisper: “I feel like this won’t work.”
Pomni didn’t even look up from what she was doing, eyes locked upon her hands working to remove the blood already staining the area around the injured ear. “What do you mean?”
“I keep letting everyone around me down,” he whispered, words meant just for the two of them. “Even you. Sometimes it feels like that’s the only thing I’m truly good at. I’m… truly here for. I can’t keep doing that to you.”
Her eyes remained on his injuries, never daring to look anywhere else for the time being. Having something to do and keeping her hands occupied allowed Pomni to not break down fully in front of him.
Neither could use that right now.
“We all mess up, time and time again. Guess that’s human.” Pomni shrugged, seeming almost too carefree about this whole ordeal, though both of them knew she was anything but that.
“Not like this, though. Not this gruesome. It’s not human to lose yourself like that and jump someone you’re trying to protect from all of this.” Jax choked on his words like they were stuck in his throat, ragged breaths making it hard to speak for too long. “Even if it’s in this digital world where pain and death doesn’t mean anything. That’s not something I wanted to ever do. I fear… I might not be strong enough for this anymore. That I might crack at any given moment and ruin all the progress, ruin everything you stood up for in my name.”
Making a faint shushing sound riddled with both impatience and gentle intent, Pomni leaned over him, her shadow falling across his face — pulling him out of the spiral of self-doubt his mind threatened to sink into further.
“You’re still hanging onto humanity. That’s the bit that might be able to save you, but we don’t know that yet,” she spoke, her gaze finally meeting his. “The person whom I took to be you… is still somewhere in there, and I’ve given so much to meet him. There is no way I’m going to give up that easily.”
He gave her a look, one filled with both sadness and questions — questioning her motives, her resilience that’d carried her until now despite appearing so utterly distraught.
Today's sight would’ve been hard on anyone he supposed, keeping quiet from answering her previous words, giving them both mutual silence to sort their thoughts.
Jax tilted his head, slightly, and his motion almost startled her. He watched her arm twitch, and then relax again.
“I attacked you,” he spoke, almost in response to that. “And if it hadn’t been for… Zooble’s interruption it might’ve even gone further than just… that.” A nod towards her scratches.
Pomni didn’t even look up from the bed, pressing her tongue to the roof of her mouth before answering him, hating every instance of acknowledging her injuries.
She already felt them burning with each movement of her arm and hand. “I know.”
“You have every right in this world to give up now, and simply hand me over to Caine. Or Kinger. Whatever’s in your mind.” Jax protested, and Pomni shot him a tired look.
“Do you really think after all this, after everything I have done to keep you in a manageable state, I’m just going to… hand you over to Caine of all people?” She sounded almost offended through her tired words. “Kinger, maybe. But I doubt he could handle an outburst like that any better than Zooble and I did,” Pomni added. “No. I’m… hurt, yeah. And it scared me. I still am scared, and to be completely honest I’d rather be anywhere right now but here. But you were right with one thing about me, and that’s persistence. I’m not leaving. And that’s not up for debate.”
A rare instance of Jax actually not pushing back against her words followed, though she could witness a shift in his entire demeanor upon hearing what she had to say.
Shoulders faltering, muscles seemingly too overburden to upkeep his entire body. He almost slouched down, and she pushed back against him to properly reach his ear.
“Keep yourself up,” Pomni mumbled, a sigh resting behind her teeth. “I can’t reach your ear otherwise.”
“Sorry.”
Minutes went by, encasing them both in silence once more, allowing for her to work with full concentration.
The shotgun had done a lot of damage usually leaving digital bodies unaffected, and she wasn’t quite sure how to even approach trying to lessen any damage done.
Maybe it was for the best to just clean it up, and leave it — to heal on it’s own.
Tossing the torn up ear another glance, Pomni determined it properly cared for.
Unknowing of what might happen she assumed the same as the gunshot wound, taking some time to properly close, requiring some looking after in the next few days.
If they still had those. She almost bit her tongue thinking this, a wave of both dread and anger washing over her frame trying not to tremble at the mere thought.
“You should get some rest,” she suggested with a voice so low, careful and attentive hands gathering the supplies she’s been using to care for his injury. “We can… talk later, alright? I gotta clear my head, talk to Zooble and the others. See how they’re all doing.”
Jax shook his head as soon as the words ‘rest’ left her mouth, and Pomni looked over for just a second, catching a stray expression sat upon his face — a weird mix of exhaustion, tension and grief.
For whom or what, she didn’t know, and frankly… she didn’t want to know right now.
Her hands dripped with blood once more, reminding the Jester of the faithful night he’d shot herself, irony stench offensively demanding her senses attention.
“I can’t go to sleep with this between us,” Jax gave context to his expression, voice shaking as he did so — hands joining in as he stared down at them, like he couldn’t believe the actions they were capable of doing before. “I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t apologize,” Pomni forced herself to say, even though it felt so incredibly hard even thinking those words. “It doesn’t change anything.”
“I know. I know, but—…” Jax exhaled, frame sinking into itself even further with his shoulders drooping, ears hanging low.
“You know?” She tilted her head.
“I don’t know at the same time.” His eyes turned back to her. “I’m afraid of what it’ll do to you. After everything.”
“It’s okay to be afraid. It shows you at least care… about me.” Hand lingering on a roll of bandages for too long, Pomni couldn’t quite bring herself to continue on until she exhaled a loud sigh. Even brushing off her own well-being like that felt weird, and she added onto her words: “Which might be new to the others. And… to me, too, to some extend. Even though I’ve seen your true persona inbetween, it’s still foreign seeing you actually be concerned about the other’s well beings.”
She witnessed his response to her rather honest and raw thoughts put into words, eyes averting hers, searching throughout the room without ever truly finding what Jax was even looking for. Ears slowly perking back up again, nervously turning into different directions like he was trying to capture any sound surrounding them.
“Why do you keep pushing down how you’re feeling?”
Pomni almost bit her lip.
Not because she was caught in trying to deflect — but it because it was Jax out of all people clocking her behavior. “Because it wouldn’t help anyone right now. If I was to let out how I was truly thinking, I might just— make it worse.”
“That’s not how it works. How would it make anything worse?” Jax slowly came closer, and when Pomni didn’t retreat, he looked her directly in the face. “This is as much about you as it is about me. Or anyone else. Especially after… this.”
He could witness a faint smile on her face, one without joy, but a grin nontheless he gladly took from Pomni’s otherwise empty face.
“So, the one so adamant about pushing down his true feelings and emotions is encouraging me to speak… about my true feelings?” She asked, and Jax felt his shoulders chortle with a faint laugh he wasn’t able to hold back.
“I might’ve learned a thing or two. From you… and the nutcase, I suppose.” A faint shrug followed the rabbit’s words. “It’s… at least something.”
Giving his words and them some space, Jax didn’t continue his words, instead watching the Jester’s demeanor before turning his head to the side again, pondering on what had happened.
What had gone down, what had gone wrong. So utterly wrong.
Then, his eyes befell onto Pomni’s frame once more, quiet voice asking a simple question, wanting a honest answer from her: “Are you angry at me?”
Pressure and tension slowly seeping off her body, Pomni’s shoulders sunk, and she took a deep breath with closed eyes.
He was placing his thoughts and worries in the wrong fields, though she wasn’t about to make it easy for him by simply telling Jax that — he had to finally get out of his head, out of this spiral that seemed to concern just the two of them, and consider the others as well.
“I kind of wish I were,” she admitted. “Because it’d be easier.”
“Easier in what way?”
“Voicing my emotions. I have no clue what I’m feeling right now. It’s overwhelming and so little at the same time. Especially since it’s… well, you.” A sigh escaped her, and she felt his head against her shoulder, barely touching her — asking for permission, and she let him, added weight dragging her uninjured arm down a bit, and Pomni continued her train of thought: “I wasn’t lying when I said I was confused about what I even feel. You’re the first person this happened with.”
She heard him snort faintly, making her own body shake faintly as he moved about.
“Yeah. It’s not a daily occurrence you’re with someone that’s losing their mind I suppose,” Jax mumbled before looking up. “I’m surprised you’re still here after everything.”
Pomni didn’t reciprocate his gaze. “Yeah. Me too.”
“It’s becoming a risk.” He hesitated even saying these words aloud, seemingly afraid what was to come if Pomni agreed. “You have seen what I can do.”
“Stop. Just— stop doing that.” Immediately, she shot back up, grasping both of Jax’ arms — in spots that weren’t abstracted — and pushed herself away from him so they could maintain eye contact.
His own eyes were widened in confusion, and his next words accompanied that expression fairly well. “Doing what?”
Pomni took a deep breather. “That whole self-pitying thing.” She couldn’t even bother sounding annoyed. “It’s… not helping. It really isn’t.”
“I’m not looking for pity. I’m being honest with you.” Jax seemed to hesitate before his next words were voiced aloud, almost like he was fighting against it, knowing it was no use — he tried to be honest, as much as he’d acted unbothered before. Being alone, in a finite room, no one around to bear witness but her he finally pushed through, sighing. “No mask… this time.”
“I know.” She closed her own eyes for a moment, shoulders raised with tension as she took another deep breath. “But it for damn sure feels like it sometimes. You’ve never bothered caring for anyone. Maybe inside. Maybe. But you never showed it outwardly. It’s just — I don’t know. I never know when you’re really you or trying to play an act. And I don’t want to guess every damn time we’re talking.”
Lowering her body back onto the bed, Pomni sighed. “I don’t want to have to wait until you say you’re honest to know you are. You really gotta work on that.”
She almost felt his eye roll, and tossed a pillow his way — using her injured arm, and she flinched from the stinging pain as her muscle got moved.
Noticing her subtle movement Jax tilted his head, ears perking up.
“Don’t.” Watching his demeanor, she knew he was about to say something. “Just… don’t.”
“Alright. I’m quiet.”
Standing up from the bed she shot him a quick glance, and his face faltered again.
Just the look of her tired, shadowed over eyes from underneath hair hanging in her face, concealing it almost — it was enough to have the rabbit refrain from saying anything more.
Making her way to the door, she hesitated, standing in the door frame. Pomni’s hand lingered on the thin frame of the door, feeling wrong and misplaced, and she feared leaving and having him out of her sight.
Though, it had to be done. Finally grabbing the door knob properly, she exhaled sharply. “I’ll go talk to the others.”
“Please lock the door this time.”
Hearing those words from a broken voice clutched an invisible hand around her heart, a stinging pain within her ribs.
Pomni almost lost it right then and there, snapping back at him despite knowing it wasn’t entirely his fault. Their entire worlds were crumbling around them, and neither wanted to partake in it.
They’d been brought into this situation by forces they couldn’t quite comprehend — though in her part, it remained a partial decision Pomni actively made for herself.
She spoke no verbal reply, instead the door slammed into it’s frame behind her, hands trembling as the key rattled in the lock.
It almost dropped to the floor, and frustration made itself evident by the Jester’s fist striking against the oak wood, causing Jax to jump inside the room; eyes glancing with worry towards it’s source.
Even loud sounds seemingly never dared drown out the weird buzzing sensation and sound echoing in the depths of his room, walls stretching on endlessly, allowing for them to flourish; take over his mind and make it difficult differentiating between reality and hallucination.
Using the door as means of balancing herself, Pomni remained leaned against it, forehead pressed into the cold wood as she caught her trembling breath — knowing she’d just burst into tears if she didn’t have anything to hold onto.
Time slipped from her hands and all she could do was watch on, see what she could do, and manage her own mental sanity all at the same time.
She felt utterly overwhelmed, like being choked from the inside.
There seemed to be a general apathy towards a lot of things happening in this place, and Pomni understood why it appeared as such — the others had been stuck in here for years way before she’d entered the Circus, seeing things beyond human comprehension… and most likely growing accustomed to it through sheer force, having to adapt or else they’d risk abstraction, like many others that came before and after them.
Resilience no doubt proved that One could withstand even the weirdest happenings, having clipped through the map, accidentally turned an NPC sapient only for him to be essentially killed off and re-purposed, and now dealing with another player slowly losing themselves to madness without return.
And yet, she still stood, taking minutes to get her legs moving down the stairs.
Hardship manifesting as pain inside of her chest and mind, and Pomni kept returning asking herself the same question over and over again: Why me?
Approaching the others has never felt more dreadful than right now.
Not even having to explain Jax’ attempted suicide and in turn, admitting to the entire abstraction progress had felt this foreboding.
Clutching her shirt in her fist, Pomni stood still at the edge of the stairs leading down the tent’s main area, drawing in trembling breaths until her shaking finally subsided — at least calming down enough to take the steps without threatening to fall down the entire flight because she lost her footing.
Heads turned upon her arrival, multiple eyes on her, each pair filled with a different set of emotions she avoided looking into deeper. Zooble’s voice was the first to be raised, interrupting the heavy silence between them.
“How’s your arm looking?” They asked, and Pomni almost sighed deeply. This was the last thing she wanted to get asked, especially now that more burning matters seemed to lay open on the table — though, she appreciated the attentiveness.
“Could be better. But could be worse,” she spoke, shrugging her shoulders as she sat down on a free spot, creating some distance between herself and the others without even realizing it. “But that’s not what we should be talking about now.”
Pomni saw the worrying look Ragatha tossed her, confusion deeply ingrained in her eye as well as the Jester simply brushed aside her own well-being once more.
Her attention got redirected towards Gangle, who sat close-by with Zooble — and Pomni couldn’t blame her one bit.
She appeared fine, on the outside that was, her avatar virtually unchanged except for that terrified expression of hers; one that seemed oddly misplaced on her face despite usually assuming a rather sorrowful countenance, as many things today it appeared foreboding in a sense.
She’d taken to the sight of Jax behavior way worse than Ragatha or Zooble, with the latter clearing their throat to speak up first.
“I think it’s obvious why we’re here now,” they spoke, looking at everyone for a short time before stopping at the Jester, eyes intently lingering on her exhausted frame. “He’s become a liability. I know you said not to, but I feel like we need to get Caine involved.”
“No Caine.” Pomni was quick to say this aloud, watching Zooble’s face change from previously lightly annoyed to confused, then almost argumentative.
“He attacked you, Pomni," Zooble replied, urgently and angry at the same time. "He's become a risk to keep around. We have to tell Caine, and if you're not up to talk to him, I will do it, as much as I hate having to speak to him about this.”
“We can’t bring Caine into this!” Desperation made her speak up louder than she initially anticipated to, bringing her voice down by just a bit. “We can’t trust him in handling this situation. You’ve seen him these past couple of weeks, Zooble, you know he’s…”
“I have, in fact, not seen him,” Zooble replied, voice snappy. “He hasn’t even been here for the past week.” They sighed, eyes closed for a moment to calm themself down. “Look, I agreed to not telling Caine if nothing happened. And now something did happen, and I’m not going to just sit around and let it play out when I have the chance to end that bullsh[ ]t right then and there.” They leaned forward. “How long until something even worse happens? Even though I’m not even sure if it can get worse than attacking us.”
Pomni’s mouth shot open, though no sound came from it. Zooble had hit a sore spot, one the Jester hadn’t been able to answer herself.
Was she truly save from Jax if he’d ever slip far enough? Certainly not.
Knowing she couldn’t die, but would still experience the pain wasn’t a pleasant thought at all, and she had to agree with Zooble’s message: There was a danger living among them.
Combined with the group’s general contempt regarding Jax she had little hopes in changing their minds to not involve Caine.
“I get your point,” she replied, picking each words through such care she slowed her speech down. “I really do, Zooble, and I agree — he is dangerous to an extend I cannot assess right now. And I doubt I ever could. But Caine would delete him from the Circus without asking so much than a question. You have seen how furious he’d been the past few weeks, especially during your own conversations with him. Do you really think he’d be reasonable enough especially now that he’s… disappeared without even telling us anything?”
Zooble didn’t respond right away, though their eyes squinted ever so slightly, antennae moving, making it hard to read what exactly they were thinking about.
Nevertheless, Pomni continued on, energy and vigor slowly leaving her with each breath taken and each word spoken, frame visibly deflating as she sat on the couch, eyes locked onto the floor.
“I know I’m asking a lot, and I’m so, so sorry that this even had to happen,” she mumbled, pausing inbetween sentences to re-arrange her thoughts. “No doubt if I could… reverse these things I would do so without hesitating. But I can’t. All I can do right now is… trying to minimize any future damage.”
Exhaling a shaking breath, Pomni tried her best to stay focused.
“Everything’s okay?” Ragatha’s worried voice came through layers of haze clogging her mind, and Pomni needed a second to even realize that she’d been addressed.
“Yeah, I’m just— I’m just tired, sorry.” Sitting more upright, she sighed, fighting through the mind fog slowly building up. “The pain doesn’t help. I almost forgot how it even feels.”
“No one is expecting you to deal with this,” Zooble spoke up again, and despite their words being rather harsh, their voice remained calm. “You don’t have to do this and put yourself in harm’s way, too. There’s… other ways to deal with this.”
“And which one’s don’t include Caine?” Pomni argued, watching their face falter faintly before looking to the side for a moment. “That’s what I thought. We can’t bring him in.”
Eyes immediately returning to the conversation, Zooble sat up further.
“You can involve him. We can. I don’t really like him that much either, but dammit Pomni, something has to happen! How long are we supposed to sit by and wait while you’re destroying yourself for someone like Jax, who most likely doesn’t even care that you’re doing this?”
They gestured, as much as their free arm was capable of with Gangle still wrapped around them like they were the only shelter available right now. “It’s not just you being at risk here, it’s all of us as today has proven. He’s too far gone, and even if there is a faint chance of… stopping the abstraction, it’s never going to undo what he has done today.”
“That’s not something I would ask to happen,” Pomni mumbled. “I know that nothing will undo today’s happenings. No wishful thinking and no apology either. What would you do if you were in my position, though?”
Before Zooble could respond, she added onto it: “If it’s involving someone you… can’t just let go like that? Can’t give up.”
Someone you love, I suppose.
Pomni couldn’t say it aloud, though she witnessed a change in Zooble’s expression as they understood what she wanted to say — eyes looking to their side for a moment, arm still tightly around Gangle’s ‘shoulders’.
Pomni knew they all expected something, they all had entrusted her to contain Jax for the time being until Kinger could produce a result worth trying, and frankly — she didn’t even know what to do anymore.
What to say.
She’d said everything in her mind, and bearing such heavy expectations slowly crushed her underneath the weight.
Not even the real world had ever felt this demanding of her, and the Circus wasn’t a place where people usually dealt with responsibilities of this caliber.
“I can’t risk Caine doing anything we can’t foresee,” Pomni added, tired voice turning drab and quiet. “He’s not our friend, Zooble. And not our ally, either.”
“He doesn’t have to be. He’s supposed to keep us safe. And someone abstracting is reason to be concerned, Pomni.” Zooble sounded frustrated, though less at the Jester than towards the entire situation at hand.
Neither of them had energy left, worn out eyes meeting one another in the middle before a new voice suddenly cut between them, warm and almost comforting, like a warm light in the middle of the night illuminating the way — or a breeze during a summer’s night.
“I apologize for interrupting rather crudely, but from what I’ve heard it seems like there’s some sort of proof needed for a better consciousness.”
Head whipping around, Pomni witnessed Kinger approaching them, reading glasses fitted onto his facial plane and hands interlocked into each other.
The way he spoke and held himself brought an entirely new energy into the room — one filled with calm and almost serenity, order within chaos and pain. She witnessed it in everyone’s faces that the chess piece’s arrival carried peace of mind.
Her own face lit up faintly at his entrance, relief washing over her and replacing bits of exhaustion keeping her down, as the Jester sat up in her seat, and Pomni couldn’t help but exclaim his name aloud.
“Kinger!”
His expression softened as he looked at her, hands cupped over one another like he was hiding something that could escape at any given moment. If he could, he would’ve given her a smile, though this had to do for the time being.
“I haven’t heard everything that was being spoken except for the last few exchanges, so I would need some context,” he gently pushed, taking a seat next to the Jester, hands still in that pose that caught everyone’s attention. “I don’t want to just interrupt.”
Though Pomni could see that another question burned deeply within most of their eyes — they hadn’t really seen Kinger lucid before, she imagined, and said confusion radiated off Zooble and Gangle the most.
Ragatha on the other hand had a gentle smile across her face, exchanging knowing glances with Pomni, who suddenly didn’t feel as alone anymore, comforting aura radiating of the chess piece.
Everyone seemed to fall into mutual silence as Kinger sat down, waiting on him to continue his train of thought, lucid demeanor demanding respect and attention without even pushing for it.
Zooble was the first to respond to his question: “Jax is the context. He attacked Pomni.”
Nodding towards the Jester, their eyes were on the scratches still underneath the fabric, and Kinger followed their gaze with a deep sigh, assessing the damage done, expression hard to read — and yet, it told Pomni more than she’d known from his words.
She saw his worry, and gave it a faint nod.
Surely she’d be better off not having this happen, and yet, it could’ve been worse.
Way worse.
“And I want to involve Caine. It’s gotten to far. As much as I hate to do that,” Zooble continued, watching their little interaction through squinted eyes, though their tone sounded much more exhausted than angry. “It’s a risk I can’t take. For the other’s sake.”
“As honorable as your approach might be,” Kinger argued, voice gentle, “it’s the wrong approach, sadly.”
The toybox character shot him a confused glance, their gestures similar.
“How? Caine’s the ringmaster of this place,” Zooble objected. “It wouldn’t be out of his abilities to deal with Jax. We’ve seen him deal with other abstracted people before.”
“Oh, I’m not refuting that,” Kinger explained as she shuffled around a bit on his spot. “You’re correct in that regard. As I’ve told Pomni before though, Jax’ situation is quite the unique one, and Caine was not made with such unique patterns in mind. He isn’t here to please the players — well, to an extend he is — but what’s happening right now is not in his skill pattern. He’d either wipe Jax’ file, threatening to essentially kill off the human consciousness attached, or we risk an entire abstraction taking place as soon as Caine gets rid of him by placing him in the cellar.”
His words had Zooble quiet down in response, their face shifting from argumentative to a rather somber expression, taking a deep breath and sitting back down, head turned away.
It didn’t appear as if they were potentially offended, though moreso trying to take it all in — and pondering on solutions.
“What options do we have then, though?” They finally asked. “Caine’s basically the big boss in here. Where else can we go with this? It’s not every day we find ourselves with another player who’s just— not abstracting, but also abstracting. Who’d be able to make any significant choice that will protect the others? Will protect us?”
Pointing not just at themself, but the others, Zooble encased them all with their hand’s motion. “This isn’t an adventure or roleplaying, this is serious. Pomni might be just the beginning with how far Jax is going to go with that whole abstraction s[ ]it going on. At this point I don’t even care if it’s him or anyone else going through it, as soon as the others get hurt there’s a line that needs to be drawn!”
“And I do agree with you, Zooble, to some extend,” Kinger patiently replied, hands still clasped into one another. He’d noticed that the others took quick peaks at them, like they’d already figured out he’d brought something with him. “And I have something to offer. Ragatha might be familiar with it.”
Giving the ragdoll an expression akin to a smile, she blinked in surprise at being referenced.
Quietly getting up from his spot, Kinger approached the small table between them, carefully lowering his hands before separating them to display a glowing butterfly — the same one Pomni had seen before when he’d shown her his progress, though this time the insect was way more lively, fluttering on the spot as it hovered, wings having more details and patterns than last time, elegantly encasing it’s light and clean surface.
“A… butterfly?” Zooble’s confusion got displayed very clearly as they leaned forward, then shot their gaze back at the chess piece. “I know you love your bugs, Kinger, but how’s that supposed to help us out?”
Allowing himself a faint chuckle, they were quick to get their explanation: “It’s not just any butterfly, Zooble. It’s one made from code, and an anti-virus I’ve been testing a while ago. It might not look like much, but I assure you, it can do much more. Just be sure not to touch it,” he added, throwing an amused and warning glance at Gangle extending one arm, who flinched back quite quickly. “If it gets touched, your avatar will absorb the patch inside. While I don’t think it’ll do harm to a person unaffected by abstraction, it’ll essentially destroy days and nights of hard work.”
He cleared his throat, gently cupping the insect in his hands before it suddenly disappeared again. “Anyways. It’s not a guaranteed solution, so I cannot claim this will be our ‘be all’ to hopefully put an end to Jax’ current dilemma, nor is it a guaranteed solution for any further… or even past abstractions.”
For a second, a hint of sadness made it’s way into Kinger’s tone, and Pomni felt the urge to reach out.
Knowing how hard it must be for him to work with this topic again after losing his wife to abstraction, possibly finding a way to stop it, too — and yet, she was still in the cellar, unknowing if it was still her or just remnants of data, and her consciousness lost into the void forever.
“And… you think this could help in the long-run? With Jax, I mean. And get Caine off our backs, restore some sense of safety again?” Zooble sounded both confused and warily, rightfully so, though it stung inside of Pomni’s chest as they looked between Kinger’s face and hands. “Seeing how Jax has started to become a threat if he’s not carefully watched, this might be our only hope — if we don’t want to include Caine in the whole ordeal.”
Pomni almost sighed aloud upon hearing those words, appearing like Zooble had accepted — for the time being — to not tell Caine about this, keeping the ordeal to themselves and the others.
“I’m certain it will be at least a step in the right direction,” Kinger added, raising one finger as he did. “And if this doesn’t work, I can try other things.”
“How come you know of these things… but didn’t do any of them sooner?” Still confused, Zooble gestured towards the hallway’s direction, then the floor. “We’ve lost so many people to abstraction already.”
“Oh trust me.” Turning towards them, Kinger gave Zooble a sad look, strong enough for them to physically back up and sit down proper. “I tried. So very much. But most abstractions happen so quickly it’s impossible to gather enough time and resources to ensure user data is recovered successfully. And trying to fix an already completed abstraction process… might corrupt the data, and worse, negatively affect the human consciousness — if they’re still in the data at all during the abstraction.”
“… I see.” Zooble’s hesitation to reply appeared to have been influenced by Kinger’s saddened words, their gaze softening. “Alright. I guess I’ve been convinced for the time being,” they added, looking back at Pomni. “We’ll do it your way. No Caine. Though I cannot guarantee I’ll keep that promise up if another incident like that happens. We simply do not have the resources or time to risk that.”
Relief washed over her, even if the exhaustion dulled any excitement Pomni could possibly be feeling from Kinger’s progress and Zooble’s promise to keep Caine out of the picture. “Thank you, Zooble.”
Pointing at the Jester with one claw, they walked past, allowing Pomni to see a faint glint of jest glimmer in their mismatched eyes. “One more chance.”
“Yeah. I got it, Zooble,” she assured with a bit more pressure, tired mind not taking well to the playful nature attached to their demeanor. It seemed misplaced, at least right now. “You made your point clear.”
With everything seemingly having been said, the others cleared out of the main area, leaving just the two of them behind.
Kinger didn’t seem in a hurry to leave, instead remaining seated, watching the others slowly move up to their quarters before returning his attention towards the woman still besides him.
As their gazes met, Pomni gave him a soft smile, which he returned through his facial expression.
She’d learned to read them quite well over the past week. “Thanks, Kinger.”
“No problem. It was the least I could do. I suffice we can start… testing it in the following days,” he offered. “If Jax is up for it.”
“I don’t think he’d decline any solution at this point. He seemed pretty desperate after the attack.”
“Who wouldn’t be?” Kinger offered her a quick, empathic glance. “When my wife abstracted, I felt a similar desperation bordering on despair and misery to find any solution that might’ve helped her. Though I’ve grown to accept that there might never be a solution that’ll bring her or anyone else back. And he’s in a very unique position, fluctuating between sentient and abstracted, dealing with the switches inbetween. That’s… nothing I’ve ever seen before,” he admitted. “But, there is still room for one that will help Jax — and potentially anyone else abstracting in the future.”
“I’m just glad you’re in here with us. Your knowledge’s priceless,” Pomni admitted. “Especially… now. I never thought it’d come to a point like that. Especially with someone like… Jax.”
“I had my suspicions,” Kinger spoke, surprising the Jester who threw him a glance of similar feeling. “Though, I never spoke them out loud. I didn’t feel like manifesting anything.”
She must’ve looked quite confused. “You… had a suspicion he’d… abstract?”
“More or less. After you’ve been here for a long while, seen people abstract, you’ll learn to recognize a pattern as old as time. Abstraction may appear complex — and it certainly is on the scientific level of things, but outside of that it display pretty familiar signs across multiple individuals.”
With such overwhelming amount of received information, Pomni found herself blinking in rapid succession, trying to make proper sense out of Kinger’s words. “I… see.”
“Today seemed to have taken a pretty heavy toll on you.”
“It did. No better way to describe it. Today’s… been f[ ]cked. And I wish for it to be over, but oh well! This isn’t a wishing well.” A groan almost left her throat. “Can’t toss a coin and hope it passes by. I’ll just… go and rest for a while.”
Giving her a reassuring and supportive nod, Kinger accepted her attempt at ending the conversation — he could see it in the Jester’s face, the way her eyes avoided his, looking back up towards their quarters. “You do that. And I’ll come by when the butterfly’s ready for testing. Alright?”
“Alright. Sounds good.” Another faint smile. It seemed nowadays, she wasn’t made for more. “Thanks again.”
Everyone else seemed to have left into their respective rooms — or shared ones — already.
All the better for her. The last thing Pomni wanted as to see anyone else, her mind coiling and dealing with the fallout of today’s happenings.
There was simply so much at once, she couldn’t quite comprehend any of them, feeling numb and disconnected equally from everything.
Knowing herself, it would all come crashing down upon her later, or tomorrow. Either option wouldn’t be a foreign sensation to her, experience had taught her as much.
Just as she was reaching for the key underneath her clothes, she heard hesitant steps approach — silently, quietly, almost too quiet, soft felt and cotton treading on carpeted floors.
Pomni knew it was Ragatha before her gentle voice started to speak a few feet away from her where she’d come to a halt, face saying more before she could open her mouth.
“Hey, Pomni?”
“Mhm?” Internally, the Jester fought back the urge to outwardly roll her eyes.
Just as she’d considered herself lucky to have not run into the others. Even more conversation hasn’t been on her plate, and Pomni just knew that even more would await her once she was back in Jax’ room.
Ragatha seemed to pick up on her energy.
“I just—…” Hesitation made it’s way into the ragdoll’s voice, like it’d done before often. At this point it wasn’t new to anyone anymore, and Ragatha knew as much when Pomni threw her a questioning glance, still locked into the pose she’d assumed — hand grasping onto the necklace from where Jax’ key was hanging. “I just wanted to say…”
Fiddling with her words, the Doll needed a few more moments until she was ready to formulate her sentence: “The way you’re handling this, it’s… inspiring.”
“No one should be going through this, though. It's nothing to be inspired by.” Pomni couldn’t help but sigh, fingers tightening around her necklace. “It’s not something to look up to, or look forward towards. Or see as a… lesson of whatever sorts.”
“I know. I just— I suppose I just respect the resilience you’ve brought into this place. A lot of us have given up mentally a long time ago, and are now just handing onto the scraps that keep them from abstracting,” Ragatha explained, her hands still kneading the fabric of her skirt, though her voice had become much more stable and less shaky from nervousness. “I’m… admiring that in you. And I hope I’ll be able to finally achieve something like that some day too…”
Giving her a gentle, but earnest smile, Pomni tilted her head in faint agreement.
“I suppose that is something to admire,” she admitted. “I wish it would be any other way, though. The lesson in resilience, I mean.”
“Me too.” Ragatha took a deep breath, her chest feeling a little less constricted now. “Zooble was very upset, but Kinger’s display seemed to have calmed them down. They didn’t mention Caine again after you left. I just hope… the butterfly can help Jax. As much as I can’t stand what he’s done to the others and me, no one deserves a fate like that. And maybe it can help him… overthink some of the stuff that has gone down.”
“I hope so too. He’s so different with me,” Pomni admitted, now fully turning to face Ragatha, looking up at her face, eyes filled with questions. “Sometimes it feels like he got suddenly switched with an entirely new person and placed in that room with me, and I catch myself feeling… bad.”
“Why would you feel bad for that?” Confused, Ragatha gave her a questioning gaze from below furrowed brows. “You didn’t ask for that.”
“I know. But… why me? I find myself asking ‘why me’ on the daily, and even though I appreciate it’s gotten better and he’s finally owning up to his whole mask spiel, not playing pretend with me anymore… I do wish he would’ve done it earlier. Would’ve done it with all of you before I came here.” Pomni ran her hand through her hair, needing to keep herself moving for her thoughts to not tangle in on themselves. “I’ve barely been here compared to all of you, and he’s… just like that towards me, and horrible to the others.”
“He’s been horrible to you, too.”
“Yeah. And he’s still feeling the consequences for that I suppose,” Pomni mumbled, turning her head to the side. “I dunno. It’s so weird. I just want all of this to be over, to be… normal.”
“Normal? In here?” Ragatha allowed herself a faint chuckle. “I fear you’re asking for the wrong things in the wrong place.”
“I suppose I am.” Breathing out, not quite a sigh, Pomni’s hand grabbed the key, digging it into her skin and feeling the cold metal warm up quickly through her body heat. “But… I can try, can’t I? Maybe something above will hear my plead.”
“Caine?” Ragatha formulated her question moreso as a joke, and both of them chuckled.
Raising an eyebrow at her, Pomni rolled her eyes. “Not him, hopefully. He doesn’t seem in the mood to fullfill us any wishes right now,” she mentioned. “His absence worries me. Not even the moon seems to know anything.”
A faint tremble went through the doll’s red woolly lock as she tilted her head in curiosity.
“The moon?” She asked, and Pomni nodded in return.
“I talked to her the other morning. She seemed… a bit disappointed in Caine’s behavior, unable to explain it either. So I’m not convinced he’s the right person to approach right now,” the Jester explained, shrugging. “That’s also one reason why I was so against Zooble’s approach to the situation.”
Mentioning the attack again Ragatha tossed a quick glance at the torn fabric on Pomni’s shoulder before returning her eye to the woman’s face again, unasked questions glimmering inside of her worried gaze; Pomni took immediate notice. It wasn’t hard reading the ragdoll’s face considering she was so complaisant with her expressions.
“I’m fine,” she spoke, unknowing if she was trying to convince Ragatha or herself. “A few scratches, they’ll heal in a couple of days. Even though it’s weird to have them, I’m not going to lie.”
“It’s weird seeing them, too,” Ragatha admitted, still furrowing her brows. “Normally… well, this wouldn’t happen in here.”
Fiddling around with the key, letting it slip in and out between her fingers, Pomni’s gaze remained locked onto it.
She didn’t feel like talking about the scratches anymore, her lips feeling heavy as she replied: “I know. There’s a first for everything, I suppose.”
Her reaction seemed to reach Ragatha, who’s face softened.
“Thanks. I’ll see you later— or tomorrow. I need some time for myself,” the Jester added, gifting her a soft smile. “But… thanks for your encouragement. Really.”
“Any time. I’ll see you then.” Gathering up her skirt, Ragatha waved goodbye, making her way back to her own room — no doubt sorting her own thoughts regarding today, dealing with what she’d seen and heard.
And… most likely her own safety.
Who’s to say this couldn’t have happened to anyone else?
Pomni felt guilty.
Heavy, dragging her down, blooming in her chest regardless how much she’d tried to ignore it.
She’d been the one responsible for the door, the locks, the one barrier keeping Jax out from the hallway and away from the others.
The same door she unlocked right now, hands trembling ever so faintly, almost dropping the key.
Get yourself together, woman.
You’ve been a wreck the entire day, even before the attack.
Don’t… let it get to your head. Don’t let it control you, as much as I hate bottling it up.
Back in the room Pomni found Jax on the bed, curled into himself like a cat would do if they were extraordinarily relaxed, ears perking up as the door opened with a quiet squeak.
It’s been a few hours, and the curiosity radiated off of him — followed and closely accompanied by dread, the same one he’d been showing since falling out of that abstracted, almost feral state he’d assumed earlier.
“You’re back,” he spoke the obvious aloud, and she nodded, slowly, closing the door behind herself.
“I am,” she stated, clipped response catching his attention, and he got up from the bed to approach her — hesitantly, though she didn’t react.
“How did it go?”
Pursing her lips, Pomni made a faint gesture, shrugging her shoulders as she did.
“Good. And bad. A bit of both, I suppose,” she explained. “You really f[ ]cked up in Zooble’s eyes.”
“Didn’t expect anything else,” Jax admitted. “And in your’s most likely, too.”
She wasn’t going to tip-toe around the topic, silently agreeing with a slow nod before responding properly.
“Yeah. But I still don’t think we should tell Caine,” Pomni added. “Zooble was convinced to involve him, but… Kinger managed to change their mind for now, so it seems.”
“What did Kinger do?” Raising an eyebrow, Jax shot her a look — one filled with question, and less confusion. He’d already been shown that the chess piece was more than he led people to believe, and had bore witness to his abilities.
“Showed us the work in progress for the patch he’s trying to create for you.” Pomni pronounced the last word with intent, watching Jax’ face for a second. “He said he might be ready for some testing in a few days.”
“Testing? Well… let’s see how that’ll go. As long as he doesn’t need me to put anything… in my body,” he attempted as a joke, watching Pomni’s mouth twitch faintly, never breaking into a full smile. “Sounds like he’s come pretty far.”
“He did. Enough to impress the others,” she explained, and for a moment even Jax seemed impressed enough for his expression to adjust. “And me, too. The butterfly looks even… more detailed than it did a few nights ago. He said it’ll be repairing and hopefully restoring damaged or even lost data.”
The rabbit’s furrowed brow casted a faint shadow over his face, almost cloaking the abstracted eye and patches in the darkness of the remaining surroundings. “And you think it’ll work?”
“I trust Kinger enough to have faith in his doings,” Pomni asserted her position, watching Jax’ distrust falter faintly. Not enough to be noticeable on a grand scale, but something. “He’s proven his knowledge. That’s all I need to know.”
Sitting up further on the bed, Pomni realized he’d been using the hoodie to hide his hands, having them tucked into the sleeves of the clothes, and her eyes squinted ever so slightly with suspicion.
Was he hiding something… again?
“So… what now?”
Jax’ voice tore her right out of her scanning gaze, no doubt he’d seen her watch his hands and arms, and was quick to sit back further, wrapping his arms around his body to have them out of the way.
Pomni turned her head while he did that, acknowledging his physical refusal to engage in the topic.
His question seemed oddly placed, almost like some sort of distraction to keep them engaged and away from any potential, prying questions he wasn’t ready to answer.
“I’ll… go and get some fresh air in a bit,” she mumbled, watching Jax’ head tilt, ears swaying softly.
“Why not now?”
She hesitated, trying to find good words describing her train of thought without sounding odd. “I… need a moment. I’ll wait ‘till you fall asleep.”
Another confused glance, though softer this time. “And… why would you wait on me for that?”
“So that you’re not alone, I suppose,” Pomni sighed, unwilling to argue with Jax about it, witnessing that familiar look in his face, shooting it down as soon as it appeared. “Just accept it.”
“Alrighty.” He put up his hands, a playful expression on his tired face. “I’ll give my best to fall asleep quickly in that case. Don’t worry.”
She rolled her eyes at him, scoffing and matching his energy. “We’ll see about that.”
“Nono, you’ll see, I’m good at falling asleep quickly. The best in my class, actually, in Junior High and College.”
“For some reason I don’t doubt that story,” the Jester snorted, giving him the hint of a laugh, which increased in volume as Jax proceeded to assume that weird cat pose again, where he curled in on himself, looking up from the position and grinning. “Don’t look at me like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like…” She threw her hands around in gestures. “Like that!”
“Oh, sorry. Let me just…” Burying his face in his arms, he heard another wave of laughter from her, chest suddenly feeling less contracted as Pomni didn’t appear too taken aback for the time being.
She seemed almost… relaxed, if it wasn’t for the dark shadows beneath her dull eyes he couldn’t stop paying attention to.
He felt her move about on the bed, sliding a bit backwards to lean on the wall, head pressed against the cold wallpaper lining it.
Out of the corner of her eyes the Jester looked back at Jax, who’d remained in that pose he’d struck, and couldn’t help but roll them.
What an idiot. Affectionately thought, though.
The faint movement in the patches caught her eye once more, and she turned towards Jax.
Pomni couldn’t help but scoot over a bit closer, head tilted as she watched the dark marks slowly fizzle in on themselves, light stars fading in and out as if they were blinking in slow motion.
If they weren’t this daunting in their message they’d be beautiful almost. Feeling her approach, Jax’ eye opened, looking back up at her, confusion and jest both glinting in the depths of his mismatched eyes.
“You’re still here.”
“I’m not leaving until you’re sleeping. Like I said.” She mumbled in response, slowly withdrawing herself and backing up to sit on the edge, hands tightly grabbing onto the wooden frame, speaking to him over her shoulder without re-establishing eye contact. “Also it’s been like what? Two minutes top? Not even you would be able to fall asleep that quickly.”
“That’s the sort of sentimentality I expected of you. Staying in here, watching me until I’m out cold,” he responded, playfully so, and Pomni rolled her eyes at him as Jax hesitated for a few seconds upon continuing his words. “Thanks, by the way.”
Her frame faltered for just a second, like she was trying not to turn back around towards him. “What are you thanking me for?”
“For staying. Despite everything. By the way, you’re still bleeding.” Sitting back up again, Jax earned himself a sigh from the Jester who’d rather have him try sleep so she could leave the room for a bit. “Don’t sigh.”
“I don’t want to leave until you’re sleeping,” she argued, though without any vigor or pressure applied to it, and she felt Jax’ hands gently push up the sleeve of her shirt, using his non-abstracted hand, claws lifted enough to not make contact with her skin. Usually, it would’ve made her flinch.
Sudden and unasked physical touch, especially from hands that’d attacked her today — and yet, she found herself reacting way too delayed for her own good, mind lagging behind in exhaustion.
Pomni hadn’t even realized she hadn’t tended to her injuries all evening, avoiding any reference or thought relating to them, and the fresh air hitting sore skin stung, causing her to finally flinch.
Experiencing real pain like that after weeks of adhering to cartoon logic felt nauseating, though she remained quiet.
His ears perked up at her sudden motion. “You okay?”
“Not really. It’s weird,” she admitted to Jax’ question, unable to uphold her own unbothered mask anymore. “What are you doing?”
For a few seconds, nothing but silence filled the air, before Jax followed up with another question out of the blue: “Can I touch them?”
“What? The wounds? What for?” Confusion growing with each passing second and exchanged word, Pomni turned her head towards him as he lingered above her arm. “Jax, what are you doing?”
“Something. I just need you to trust me.” His voice still low he lowered his head a bit more, being eye to eye with her scratches — guilt surging throughout the rabbit’s body as he could see them up-close now, how utterly realistic it looked, very much misplaced in a digital world like that.
“I guess I do,” Pomni’s voice didn’t quite reach him through the fog invading his mind as his eyes lingered on her scratches, and he barely caught onto the puzzled expression and tone the Jester displayed openly — she couldn’t make any sense of his behavior, nor could she even take a proper guess at what he was planning to do with those scratches of hers.
Skin torn open from claws he called his own, split like seams, and underlying redness that indicated… muscle.
Jax’ stomach almost churned, as bad as it made him feel. He’d seen blood in here before, not just his own, but it being Pomni’s and knowing he’d caused this, it didn’t feel particularly great.
She’d seen worse from him, seen the incident with the gun as she’d rushed to help him — and here he was, getting upset at mere scratches that weren’t even that deep.
Though, it wasn’t the severity of the injury that got to him. It was knowledge of him being the one that caused them, in moments where his mind was too fogged to even realize who stood in front of him.
And if he’d been capable of attacking Pomni without second guessing, who’s to say the others were safe from him? They most likely weren’t.
And as much as Jax felt uncertain emotions towards the others, the last thing he truly desired was to hurt any of them in the long run — more than he’d already done.
This place, at least to him, had never been more than a play-pretend, a cartoon, a place where no pain nor consequences reigned… unlike the human, the real world outside of this machine.
He’d been proven wrong. It very much existed.
Corrupted data making it easy for sudden realism to appear, though Jax couldn’t quite explain to himself why Pomni of all people had been able to get injured by him without glitching out.
Had he managed to struck her with the abstracted claws? But if so, why was her body still intact?
Whenever a player touched abstractions, they were bound to glitch out themselves, and if Caine wasn’t there to help them they’d inevitably… suffer a similar fate, if it not even worse.
He’d seen it before, and the memories haunted him to this day.
Sitting in silence, Jax hadn’t quite realized how long he’d remained unmoving, hand still on Pomni’s arm without even doing anything, and his long-lasting quietness finally drew the Jester’s attention back towards him.
Furrowing her brows, Pomni watched him as much as she could from that awkward angle of hers, turning her head towards Jax.
“Can you at least tell me what you’re doing?”
He snapped out of it, shaking his head quickly to rid himself of these thoughts and images plaguing him.
“I’m trying something,” Jax quickly spoke. “Sorry. I got… distracted.”
“Alright.” A sigh escaped tight lips, and Pomni leaned back a bit more. “Do whatever you need to try.”
I trust you.
She didn’t speak these words aloud, though she didn’t need to for now.
She’d grown familiar with the sensation of his breath against her skin, gentle and warm despite his fluctuating temperatures, and suddenly it got accompanied by something new — something foreign, though nothing she hadn’t experienced before. Slowly turning her head she found Jax carefully holding onto her injured arm with his unabstracted hand, ensuring her skin wouldn’t make any contact with the black patches covering his own, face close to the torn skin — too close to simply be looking at them. It was only then that she realized he’d licked the area, and for a second, utter bewilderment reigned over any amount of exhaustion she’d felt today.
Pomni blinked, unable to keep her lips sealed. “What—…”
“Don’t question it,” he mumbled, looking almost embarrassed that she’d made eye contact with him through it. “I only found out about this recently.”
“Found out what exactly??” The absurdity of the situation had her on the verge of bursting into laughter despite not wanting to, struggling to upkeep her demeanor for the time being — and utterly failing as the corners of her lips curled up into a grin Pomni fought to keep down.
Visibly trying to refrain from answering right away Jax exhaled a faint sigh, his breath cold against the wet areas of her arm. “Just watch.”
Her eyes shot wide open, brows furrowed in utter bewilderment. “What the—”
Throwing him quite confused glances — not just at his demeanor, but also the way he avoided her questions, Pomni watched the scratches on her arm start to close, leaving dark yet faint marks akin to scars on the skin. Her hand gently brushed across the area when Jax retreated, and she felt no protrusion, nothing — like nothing had even happened, leaving only the blemishes atop her skin as remnants of today’s occurances.
“You said to not ask, but I’m gonna do it anyways,” the Jester spoke up, watching him roll his eyes. “You owe it to me after injuring me,” she added with insistence, and he raised his hands defensively.
“Alright, alright. Ask away.” Making a gesture towards the Jester, Jax leaned forward, almost like a bow, his ears swaying subtly. “What’s on your mind.”
Hands gesturing about, Pomni needed a moment to find her words — and when she did, they weren’t any more sophisticated if she’d not thought about them in the first place. “What… the f[ ]ck?”
Jax’ mouth twitched, almost falling into his usual grin. “Is that your entire question?” Watching Pomni’s expression the rabbit groaned. “Alright, I guess I owe you an explanation.”
Shooting him a wide-eyed look, she nodded. “You do. You really do. You just licked my arm and the scratches disappeared like nothing had happened!”
“Well… I can heal smaller injuries.” Scratching behind his ears, Jax shrugged, appearing almost helpless as he spilled the truth like that, watching Pomni’s face falter for a second upon hearing it. “Yeah, don’t— ask. When I cleaned myself off I realized I had healed a few areas for some reason, and I tried it again.”
“And… using your… tongue’s the only way for this to work?”
“I haven’t tried any other way. And I’m not about to spit on my hand and rub it on you.” He appeared quite disgusted at the mere thought, and despite the turmoil in her mind, she almost started laughing at his display. Instead, she kept up a more serious facade.
Raising one eyebrow rather unimpressed, Pomni looked him up and down before stating: “But licking me didn’t bother you one bit.”
Immediate warmth rushing to his face, Jax turned his head to the side, avoiding her eyes as best he could. “That’s— well.”
“Don’t claim it’s something entirely different,” she shot back, and he rolled his eyes. “Because it’s not. But… it’s good to know. Though I assume it’s just working on small things, otherwise…”
Nodding towards the abstracted patches, Jax sighed.
“No. It didn’t work on that.” A hint of disappointment lingered in the back of his throat as he answered the question Pomni didn’t even word out loud. “Sucks, but… what can you do.”
“Hm. To be honest, I always wondered what your… perk might be.” Pomni tilted her head faintly. “Considering most in here seem to have one.”
“Perk?” His ears shot up, accompanying a confused look across the rabbit’s face. “What do you mean?”
“Have you never wondered what your body can do?” Pomni tilted her head, her own confusion quite evident. Jax had been in here for way longer than her, and he hadn’t approached this topic yet? Either that… or he was messing with her, though she didn’t have the patience for the latter option right now.
“Not… really. Outside of being basically invincible? I never considered testing,” Jax admitted. “Nor did I care about the other’s abilities much. I just know they all have something going for them that makes adventures more… interesting, though it’s whatever to me.”
“It shouldn’t be — anymore. Though I wouldn’t have taken you to be the healer of the group,” Pomni admitted aloud. “You always struck me as anything but that.”
“The what?” Shooting her a confused look, Pomni raised her eyebrows at Jax’ expression.
Has he never played a videogame before?
How does he not know what a healer is supposed to be?
“The healer? Have you never heard of character roles either?” Her voice was playful, though the question remained as serious as she could be. Forgotten was her urgency to get outside — for the time being. Any chance distracting her mind from the incident today was welcomed, even if it came through Jax. “Don’t tell me you didn’t.”
“I wasn’t much of a videogame guy I fear.” His frame relaxed, and the rabbit laid back down on his original spot, crossing his hands on is chest. “So I’m not too deep in all of these mechanics.”
“Well, you don’t have to be.” Scooting a bit closer, Pomni sighed, sitting on her knees as she watched Jax’ gaze returning to her. “But… it’s an interesting discovery nontheless. Thanks.”
“What are you thanking me for?” He turned the question around, and she took notice.
“Healing the scratches.” She said, corner of her mouth curling up faintly.
Jax waved his hand about, humming and hawing around his answer. “That’s nothing you gotta thank me for. Consider it… uh… some kind of payback after you’ve cared for me for so long.”
He made it sound nonchalant, and in a sense, Pomni understood why — and in her own mind, it did feel like a good return in action, especially from him.
Though, she couldn’t help but notice a step of progress, one after many that were taken backwards, and suddenly her efforts didn’t feel as unrewarded as before.
Many stones had been and were still placed in her way, though she didn’t feel like giving into the stumble. Not right now.
Maybe there will be grounds for improvement.
Maybe… there’s more to come, and the hard times are about to pass us.
No one said this was going to be easy, I suppose.
Not even an hour later Jax finally feel asleep — properly this time, no tossing and turning, no mumbling to himself and suddenly shooting back up from his previous position, scaring her half to death.
Pomni had waited for this to happen, and when her eyes scanned his unmoving body, she quietly left the room, locking it double this time before leaning her forehead against the oaken wood; cold and unblemished wood surface cooling down her heated skin from all the previous rage she’d felt.
Rage at… everything, really.
Primarily at the situation surrounding her, not any person in particular.
Deep down there was this quiet, crooning voice telling her to feel at fault, and she’d pushed it down time and time again. It wasn’t her fault. Not at all.
Yet she couldn’t stop telling herself she should’ve done more — should’ve done it faster.
Every time their dialogs shifted into almost normal territory it felt like she could forget about the bad things happening before… and not forget them at the same time.
Quietly, she left the tent, fiddling with the flap for a few more hesitant seconds, before sighing deeply and making her first steps outside.
Like last time, the grass was painted in thousands of dew drops, faintly reflecting the moon’s blue light off of them, giving the pastures and stretching fields a teal and purple sheen.
This place was so vast, so big and yet so small and suffocating at the same time, even outside the tent.
Each step of hers made a faint squelching noise, and crickets sang their songs in the distance.
In some way it reminded Pomni of late summer nights out in the country side. She’d never been much of a country person though, living in cities — but whenever they’d gone to Russia for summer break she found herself in her grandmother’s house quietly sitting between miles and miles of ongoing fields and forgotten paths, trees and forests lining the outskirts of every direction One could look into.
She missed it — knowing that the chance of ever returning there was incredibly slim, and such ache wasn’t something easily dismissed. Who knew how much time had passed if they were ever to escape the Circus?
Could it have been years, decades even? Would there even be anyone she knew to greet her? Maybe it would be easier if there wasn’t.
Her parents must be worried sick by now, not having heard anything from her for some time when she’d called on the regular before, told them about happenings in her life — few there were, but nontheless, they simply appreciated the chats.
I don’t even know what my mom’s voice sounds like anymore.
A thought that deeply scared her. Who forgot their parent’s main trait, the one thing they’d been hearing for over two decades by now?
She simply couldn’t imagine what she sounded like, her laughter, the little details and behaviors she’d do whenever they sat together at their dinner table and drank coffee together. It felt like recalling memories of a familiar stranger, their frame nothing more but a shadow who’s gargled voice spoke no words of meaning. Pomni hated it, felt angered by it.
Kicking into the grass she almost slipped, barely containing her balance as she suppressed the urge to just… scream.
“You look sad.” The moon’s voice made the Jester’s head tilt upwards in utter surprise, grasping her chest before locking eyes with the celestial body quietly hovering above, seeming both so far and so near. “What weighs on your heart, my dear?”
Taking a second to exhale, Pomni shook herself faintly, getting rid of the surprise scare she’d just gotten before sitting down in the grass, knees tightly drawn to her chest and arms wrapped around them.
“Everything, I suppose,” she mumbled after a few moments had passed, slowly uncurling her wrapped up posture to look up at the sky, watching the moon’s sad face return the gaze. “A lot has happened today, more than I ever anticipated, and I had hoped it wouldn’t come this far.”
“Oh dear.” Light slowly coming in closer, the moon switched positions from her usual spot in the sky, approaching the defeated woman a bit more to get a proper glance at her, half-lidded eyes expressing both sadness and understanding. “You do seem very exhausted.”
“I am. But I can’t sleep,” Pomni admitted. “Whenever I close my eyes they just shoot back open again, and I expect the worst to happen. Maybe it has already happened — it’d love for this to be the worst. I feel on edge and so disconnected from everything at the same time. We don’t even need to sleep, and yet… here I am.”
She sighed, a joyless smile sprawling across her face as she shook her head in disbelief. “This place is just— it’s just…”
The moon tilted her ‘head’ — if it could be called one, considering all she embodied was a face. “Weird?”
“Yeah, that’s one way to say it,” the Jester mumbled into the fabric of her shirt’s sleeve. “Weird. And so many more things I can’t really come up with at the moment. My head feels empty and polluted at the same time. Voices speaking over one another, and none at the same time. I just don’t know what to do anymore but wait,” Pomni lamented, arms propped against her knees, clutching them tighter. “We’ve ran out of time, and there’s only one solution… one we’ll have to wait and see if it even works to begin with. There’s no certainty but the one that says I could lose… everything. Every piece of progress I’ve made, spent so much energy on.”
“It’s terrifying, isn’t it?” The moon asked in grief, voice soft and barely above a whisper. “That sometimes even love isn’t enough.”
“He’s never not in my thoughts. I don’t know why, or what possessed me, and yet it feels just so right. I wish we had different circumstances,” Pomni admitted. “I wish… he was a good person, and I wouldn’t feel so conflicted being there for him. Not just for his sake, but mine. I’ve never been… good with people, especially not if they’re so utterly bad at being a person to begin with. Some days I feel like I’m not enough, during others I feel like he isn’t enough — and it isn’t fair to either of us.”
“Love can make you sick, even if you’ve been healthy before. Even if the intention isn’t even to have that happen,” the moon replied, tilting it’s head faintly, stray rays of light cast upon the blue-tinted grass beneath. “You shouldn’t have to ruin yourself for someone else.”
“I know.” Sighing, Pomni made herself seem smaller, head leaned against her arms and looking to the side, unwilling to make eye contact just now. “I don’t want to ruin myself. I’d never do that for anyone… not even those I love the most. It’d be no good. Not for them… and obviously not for myself either.”
“And that is very fair, dear. There is no one worth ruining yourself over,” the moon agreed, nodding solemnly. “Trust me… I do know how you’re feeling.”
For a second, Pomni had to halt herself from asking ‘Really? But aren’t you just a pre-programmed set of animations? An AI?
How could you experience these feelings, especially love?’ — but she refrained from it, answering all of those questions inside of her head.
If Caine was capable of being utterly angry and disappointed with his humans, the moon could experience disappointment and love as well… maybe. Who knew?
This place certainly held many surprises, and the Jester was done questioning them at this point.
“Because of Caine?” She dared to ask instead, re-directing the topic for now, needing something to distract herself before she exploded on the spot.
A nod was the celestial body’s response. “Mhm.”
“What’s his deal, anyways?” Looking upwards with brows furrowed in confusion, Pomni directed her question towards the moon, who in turn sighed deeply.
“I wish I knew. He appeared very upset, but also very sparse with words when I tried to talk to him about it,” the moon explained, somber expression softening faintly. “He usually isn’t that way, you know? Getting him to be quiet for once used to be pretty hard, a fountain of expressions and nicknames, and now… he’s anything but that.”
“Yeah, we’ve noticed,” Pomni sighed. “He’s not even doing any adventures with us. It’s been over a week now, and he’s just… absent. Usually he was all over us doing his daily adventures, as annoying as they were, they offered some routine you know.”
“I know. Every human I’ve seen so far, regardless if they’re still around or not, at least appreciated the routine offered to them. It appears humans like this concept a lot.”
“We do. Routine is…” Making a thinking gesture, Pomni tried to find the appropriate words. “Routine is very human I suppose. We’re made to experience certain repeating patterns in life… hunger, thirst, pain, going to sleep and waking up, going to work in most cases, meeting others… and so on. The adventures did annoy me sometimes, but in the end they were a daily occurrence that kept my mind busy from overthinking too much.”
“And despite it all, you persisted. You’ve grown so much more than I ever expected one of the humans here to do,” the moon admitted, a smile decorating her solemn face. “What once was the terrified newcomer, is no longer there. I now see a woman standing up for herself, and not giving up despite these hardships clawing at her.”
“It shouldn’t be like that,” Pomni argued. “Sure, the change is… one good thing among others. But I shouldn’t be expected to bear all of this weight all by myself. Sometimes it feels like I am dragging myself out of somewhere, but I also hold another hand, another person… I barely have the energy to keep myself away from simply slipping.”
“No, it certainly shouldn’t be like that. No one deserves to go through these tolls, mentally or physically. It’s hard to avoid fate if it’s steering right at you, though,” the moon sighed. “Sometimes, life gives you lessons you cannot avoid.”
Using her fingers to pluck out a few blades of indigo colored grass, Pomni shrugged.
“I suppose I don’t want us to become a lesson. I don’t want… what we have to be a lesson in anything. I’d love for us to just… be, but this wish seems to slip from my hands with each passing day. Not just thanks to the abstraction,” she mumbled. “I never really had anything like that before. If I’d known how… weird it is, I would’ve simply refused to engage in it. And yet, here I am. Not withdrawing myself from the situation.”
The moon tilted her head. “Do you want to leave?”
“This place? Yeah. Jax? … I don’t know.” Watching the grass pieces she’d plucked out be blown away by soft night winds, Pomni lowered her hand. “I sometimes wish I could just run away, leave everything behind, even my memories of this place. Make it so I was never here, never met any of the people inside of here. Sometimes I catch myself wishing for this as my ideal outcome if we’re ever to leave the Circus.”
“It certainly would spare you a lot of pain.”
“It would. But it wouldn’t really… change anything, I suppose. Sure I wouldn’t be aware anymore, and the others also, but I still spent so much time trying to make a change. I wouldn’t want this to be all for nothing if no one ends up remembering it anyways,” Pomni admitted aloud. “Maybe it sounds selfish, but that’s just… how I feel after spending so much energy on everything.”
“It doesn’t sound selfish, dear.”
The Jester gave it a small laugh. “Well, at least someone agrees on that. I’m just glad today doesn’t feel all too… different.”
Gifting Pomni a curious look out of half-lidded eyes, the moon asked: “What do you mean?”
“We talked. And we were nice to each other. I didn’t even think that’d be possible after today, considering… he attacked me. I thought I’d be frozen with fear every time I see him,” Pomni spoke, head leaned back without establishing eye contact. Instead, she kept them closed, feeling cold and soft night breezes pass by on her skin. It felt… good. “But instead it’s almost the same. Sure I’m a bit peeved, and he’s pulled his self-pitying stunt for a hot second, but on the other hand… it feels like any other day.”
A faint, but audible giggle seemed to come from the moon, losing it’s echo in the sky above, between twinkling stars and passing clouds.
“That’s how relationships feel sometimes,” she said, “a mountain climb that never seems to end, but you pass through areas that feel as smooth as others, even if you’d encountered a rather rocky passage before. Familiarity… in niceness.”
“I would’ve never compared relationships with mountain climbing, but… I think I get the metaphor,” Pomni spoke, shooting the moon a look through one raised eyebrow, watching faint yellow and orange stripes slowly appear behind the celestial body’s form. “But… I think I should head back inside… it’s quite late, and I want to get some sleep in before morning.”
Slowly pushing herself out of the dew-stained grass, she rid herself of the wet pieces sticking to her clothes, wiping her hands on the fabric.
“You do that,” the moon agreed, watching the woman move about before establishing eye contact once more. “Sunrise is approaching faster than you’d expect it to.”
“I suppose it does. Thanks, by the way.” A smile was directed heavenward, and Pomni for a long time felt warmth rush through her body, a familiar, welcomed and relaxing sensation. “For the talk. And… the advice.”
“Anytime, my dear. You know where to find me.” The moon’s smile matched the warmth inside of the Jester, and she tilted her ‘head’ for a moment. “Take care.”
“I will. You too.”
Unknowing that the rather peaceful moment was about to fade into nothingness, she went back her merry way, rising warmth of morning filling the darkened skies, approaching the tent quickly.
Though the moment Pomni pushed back the flap, she felt watched, immediately getting rid of any solemn emotion she’d been feeling previously. Hair on the back of her neck standing up like she’d been touched unexpectedly, freezing in place for a few seconds as her eyes darted around, taking in every little detail in the unlit inside of the Circus’ main area.
Her eyes met Caine’s, and for the first time of being in here, Pomni felt terrified upon gazing at the AI.
His own expression was hard to read — which came to little surprise, considering he had no face — and yet what the Jester could see sent ice-cold chills down her spine.
Eyes lingering in the shadows of his half-opened dentures Caine looked down on her, and his gaze stopped at the dark marks running across her shoulder, neatly displayed through the cuts in her shirt’s sleeve. She hasn’t bothered changing, until now. Hand quickly finding it’s way over the blemishes on digital skin, Pomni ushered away, too afraid to await whatever reaction Caine might be giving her.
He’d seen the scars.
We’re not supposed to have them.
Fuck.
One curse, and yet it sounded so unbelievably loud inside of her mind, teeth gritting with tension she couldn’t quite lose, feeling her fingers tense up into a fist for just a second.
Despite feeling more free and relieved after the moon’s little talk, terror made it’s way into Pomni’s frame without her approval.
Why? Why is it always her that seemingly ran into these issues, despite working so hard to avoid them?!
And then, a voice echoed — quietly, and still, loud enough to be heard clearly.
“Pomni, a word?”
Caine.
She felt as if she was being choked, suffocated.
Chest heaving underneath her shirt when she came to a stop, Pomni’s hand clutched into the fabric, almost ripping it off her body, feeling encased by it like it’d been made from plastic, clinging to her skin nauseatingly.
Drawing in a sharp, deep breath, she tried her very best to remain calm and not arouse any suspicion from the AI watching her intently. She could feel his gaze burning on her backside.
“I’d rather go to bed,” she squeezed out, lungs painfully contracting. “It’s late.”
His reply came swift, as if he’d been expecting the Jester to decline. “That did not stop you from leaving the tent.”
Even his voice seemed de-voided of all emotion he usually showed, even if it was anything but utter, sickening joy. Why was he even arguing with her about that? Wasn’t he made to be considerate, and adhere to the human’s wishes? Pomni recalled her conversation with Kinger. ‘Caine wasn’t made to be anyone’s friend. That’s not his purpose.’
And oh boy, did she feel it in this certain moment. Like waves the imminent hatred she felt radiating off of Caine’s frame hit her, and it took all for Pomni to remain quiet and collected, hands shaking, and she jammed them into her pockets, feeling them coil into fists. As much as she tried to, the AI’s persistence made her angry, fighting with her voice to keep her tone and volume down.
“Still, I’m tired,” she spoke up again, a hiss through her teeth, not turning around — and Caine didn’t bother moving either. “Maybe in the morning.”
He didn’t back down. “This is urgent.”
“I don’t think so. Not for me. Else I would’ve known.” Pomni didn’t turn around despite the arising urge to do so — face the AI, face him while defying his request, even if it made terror rise up in the back of her throat like bile. “Good night, Caine.”
He didn’t respond, nor did he make any other sound.
But when she continued her walk towards the staircase to the first floor, Pomni could hear him faintly following her.
It wasn’t just confusion surging throughout her body, but also paranoia she couldn’t quite explain, and so her speed increased, almost to the point of bolting towards the stairs and up to the hallway, barely catching herself from falling as she went around the corner where Caine’s pursuit seemed to stop.
Waiting by the entrance to the hallway he remained steady, a faint glow from his eyes between teeth incapable of being read, void of any emotion.
Pomni’s heart raced her body as she fiddled around with Jax’ door, unlocking it with more noise than she intended to do, heaving breaths cutting through the somber silence inside of the darkened room, shaking the rabbit awake from his sleeping position.
Ears shooting up he looked around, watching the trembling frame lean against the inside of the door, one hand clutching her shirt around her chest as she frantically gasped for air.
“What kind of ghosts did you see?” He joked, though there came no response from the Jester, still heaving. Concern replaced the playful smile on Jax’ face and he stood up, rushing over to gently assess to the apparent panic attack building itself. “Hey, hey. Breathe. You’re okay.”
“Caine,” was all Pomni managed to squeeze out, voice hollow as she tried to get more air into her lungs, trembling eyes filled with nothing but terror now meeting Jax’ face. “He saw the marks on my arm.”
His eyes widened in an instance. “What?”
“Yeah. I— he saw me when I came into the tent. I—…” She gestured around, helplessly, trying to find her words. “F[ ]ck.”
“That— that’s the best descriptor for it,” Jax nodded, eyes wide open, black pupils rivaling the yellow in his still intact one as he tried to think of anything helpful. “Did he… say anything?”
Through gasped breaths Pomni build her explanation on what happened, eyes searching around the room before returning to him. “He wanted to talk to me. When I declined he just… followed me up here.”
Ears perked up at her explanation, eyes following shortly.
Scanning the door, Jax lowered his voice to something close to a whisper. “Is he outside?”
“He stopped at the hallway’s entrance. I don’t know if he’s still around, and I don’t want to check if I’m honest,” Pomni sputtered, toning her voice down, fingers still tightly laced into her shirt’s fabric. “I didn’t know he was around. Even the moon said she has no idea where he’s off to— and of course he had to be there when I went back inside!”
Her voice got louder, and she felt Jax’ hand on her shoulder, getting down to her eye level.
“We’ll have to talk to Kinger,” he spoke, urgently so.
Shooting him a confused glance, Pomni felt panic arise in her chest a second time. “Now?” She fought a stutter asking, feeling her throat constrict around that singular word.
“I don’t think we have a lot of choices right now,” Jax cautioned, ears still moving as if he was hearing for movement outside in the hallway. “If Caine has caught wind of what’s happening he’s not going to live this down. You’ve seen how erratic he’d been these past weeks, even with small arguments. I don’t want to test his patience on this one.”
Still feeling Pomni’s trembles and quick heartbeat, Jax wrapped his intact arm around her, offering touch which she didn’t push away — instead, she leaned in further, breaths steadily calming as she leaned her head against his chest, trying to distract her mind.
“You're safe in here,” he mumbled. “Don’t worry.”
Her worrying glances never quite stopped. She’d never used to be this paranoid, and yet — there she was.
Terrified over the thought of the AI being close, possibly even hearing them. This place was his, his rules reigned, and no one knew for certain what could follow this ordeal.
What might happen if he was to find out about the abstractions.
Equally worrying was Pomni’s next question: “You sure?”
“If he ever tries anything, I can help, at least.”
“Jax, he can’t see you.” Alarmed, her head shot right back up. “If Caine sees you he’s just gonna toss you into the cellar. Or worse, erase your data. Kinger mentioned it today, he’s worried for your safety. We can’t risk that. Don’t take that risk. I doubt Caine would… do something that’d harm us.”
“I’m not afraid of Caine’s little finger snap thingie.” Trying his best to shoot her a reassuring grin, even Jax’ face faltered after a few seconds, finding himself sighing as they both sat on the floor, listening for whatever noises might be coming from outside. “Whatever happens, I’ll make sure he’ll keep you out of this.”
The way he spoke those words, hushed, they appeared like a promise — not solely spoken to Pomni herself, but moreso affirming himself.
After today, the last thing he’d want was any more troubles caused by him — or any apparent shenanigans coming from Caine.
The Jester’s face grew serious, almost pleading, and so did her tone. “Jax, please.”
Gaze softening he looked back at her. “Alright. I won’t do anything stupid.”
“That’d be a first,” she mumbled into the fabric of his hoodie, eyes closed as she calmed with each taken breath. “Thanks.”
And then, Jax spoke up again, softly spoken and almost whispered into her hair as he continued to hold her. “I feel like this place is crumbling apart by the day.”
“How come?”
“I don’t know. Something’s deeply wrong. I’m feeling it… in my body.” Jax hesitated adding the latter part, and felt Pomni moving as she looked back up at his face.
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t know how to explain it. But the… way I behaved earlier, something just snapped. Like it took over, and I couldn’t place it’s origins. It felt like being brainwashed live.” He shuddered, his fur bristling faintly. “Maybe it was just the abstractions. But maybe it was something else. There’s something fundamentally wrong with the Circus.”
Her eyes still scanned him up and down, though she never retreated from their shared closeness. “You’re… confusing me.”
“Good. Maybe that’ll distract you from the panic attack,” Jax spoke, though his tone made it clear he wasn’t trying to joke. “Seriously. I have no clue what happened today. All I know is I don’t want it to happen again. And you most likely don’t want that too.” He sighed. “Look. The sooner we get to Kinger and involve him, the better. He needs to know about Caine seeing the injuries. You said he knows more than he lets on. So what are we waiting for?”
“You want to attempt visiting him now? When Caine’s still outside most likely?” Gesturing towards the door, Pomni’s worry visibly grew. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Morning’s coming quickly, and the lights will be on soon. We either go now, or have to wait until tonight,” Jax urged, their shared glances equally terrified in their own ways. “What’s your choice, Pom?”
Her lips trembled, shoulders shaking. A simple question, and yet overwhelming like crushing weights upon her frame.
Then, she lifted her head. “We go now.”
Chapter 13: False Paradise
Summary:
Seeking refuge in Kinger's fort once more, Jax gets confronted with an old ghost he didn't ask to meet - if this can even be called a ghost at all. Asking for help from Kinger, Pomni suddenly finds herself confronted with decisions she hoped to not make any time soon. And to make everything worse, Caine has a new adventure idea to propose. As was often the case, his timing could use improvement.
Notes:
Welcome back my superstars! So sorry for the long wait on this chapter drop, I was pretty occupied with the TCAS!AU and found myself in a writing haze for those chapters most of the time. But chapter 13's finally done, and Chapter 14 is in the works! As well as the chapters following after that one. :]
Thank you so much for your support in all forms, Kudos, Comments, Bookmarks, Fanart etc. - I love and appreciate y'all so much <3As always, there's art to be found at the end of the chapter! The first piece was made specifically for this chapter, too :D
Chapter Text
And I don't believe it but I guess it's true
Some feelings, they can travel too
Oh there it is again, sitting on my chest
Makes it hard to catch my breath
I scramble for the light to change
“Ready?”
Jax was holding her hand with his free one, gently but insistently so, trying to both calm down Pomni’s shaking frame and get her off the floor.
She didn’t appear just ready yet to leave the room once more, though they had little choice — and little time.
As soon as morning was to come there was no telling if Kinger would be available and lucid enough for them to ask him for help, and they both didn’t want to waste the entire next day.
Now that there was no telling what Caine might do next neither of them were ready to face the AI.
“No,” Pomni quietly replied. “But we have no choice.”
Speaking his own thoughts aloud Jax nodded slowly, gently squeezing the Jester’s hand in his own before getting to his feet. “Alright then. Let’s go.”
He felt her hesitation through their hands, and sighed ever so faintly.
“I know you don’t want to risk running into him, but we don’t really have a choice,” Jax spoke, feeling the tension heighten in Pomni’s grip. “I’m not in love with this idea either.”
“I know.” Even just these few words were spoken through a tremble. “Give me a second, please.”
“Alright. Whenever you’re ready.” Even though Jax felt the shared pressure of time, he also sensed her fear.
Forcing her to leave the room now would not accomplish much, and he could not afford to have her freeze in terror halfway out.
If Caine truly had waited for them at the hallway’s entrance there was little they could even do once caught — he’d snap his fingers, and that’d be the end of it.
Jax would find himself in the cellar, or even worse, erased from the game outright with no chance of recovering his data ever again.
As much as he hated it in here, hated his humanity, losing his existence within the fraction of a second wasn’t anything he’d wanted… or expected to happen in these digital boundaries.
“Ready.” Pomni’s words came as a whisper, knowing he’d pick up on it as easily as if she’d yelled them out.
The door’s lock opened with a soft click. Pomni hadn’t locked it after returning, coming quite in handy.
Peaking outside Jax’ ears were moving into all kinds of directions, taking in any little sound they were able to pick up on — breathing from the different rooms where the others were sleeping, no doubt.
Otherwise utter silence framed the hallway and the threshold of his hearing abilities, and after waiting a few more moments he gentle guided Pomni outside the room.
“I don’t hear anything,” Jax whispered, “though we can’t be too careful. I doubt Caine makes a lot of noise in the first place.” His mouth twitched, familiar grin carefully showing signs of itself again. “Considering he always hovers and never really walks.”
His attempts at distracting her sadly went nowhere if Jax was to judge off of the Jester’s still terrified face, quivering eyes assessing every inch of their surroundings.
It became obvious that Caine’s behavioral display had scared her, and with sinking realization Jax asked himself: ‘What had happened for her to get this terrified?’
“Come on. Kinger isn’t in his room.”
Her grip got tighter for just a second, squeezing his hand with gloved fingers. “How do you know?”
“I can’t hear anything from there.” Jax nodded towards the door belonging to the chess piece. “So my best bet is his fort.”
“Okay.” Her voice shook as much as her breaths, and Pomni nodded slowly. “Okay, let’s go.”
They’d been incredibly lucky.
As they turned the hallway’s corner Caine was nowhere to be seen, having given up on lingering around and returned to wherever an AI like him had business going to — leaving Jax and Pomni with a free path towards the middle of the tent, right where Kinger’s fort was situated most of the time.
Dashing down the stairs Jax continued to hold Pomni’s hand, never letting go and adjusting his speed whenever necessary for her to follow suit without trouble, height difference making itself more known than ever before right now.
Each of her steps seemed to have a quickly fading echo, quiet and with little reverberation, yet still audible.
And yet even such small sounds seemed infinitely loud, each one seemingly capable of instantly informing Caine of their presence.
Both of their chests were heaving by the time they reached the pillow’s vicinity, muted colors of it’s building blocks — or better said, pillows — standing out in a rather welcomed contrast to the Circus’ general color palette now slowly to become bright again as the lamps above switched on.
They didn’t have too much time left, and Pomni was quick to call out the chess piece’s name as they stood in front of the pillow pile, ragged breaths accompanying their tired frames.
It didn’t take too long for Kinger to open the little makeshift door from pillows he’d put up for the fort, blocking out any potential sunlight or artificial lights from the lamps above, ensuring a comfortable and, more importantly, lucid way of working while he wasn’t in his room.
“Oh hello. Quite the unusual time for a visit,” he jested, though his joyful voice subsided quite quickly as Kinger assessed the situation, and took a proper gander at both Jax and Pomni standing in front of his fort’s entrance.
Both were out of the usual clothing they’d been assigned to wear by the Circus’ program itself, instead having changed into what seemed to be sleeping attire cloaking their figures, exhaustion painting their equally terrified faces — helping the chess piece assess the situation they must’ve found themselves in.
“Come, quick.” Ushering them inside through a hand gesture, Kinger’s eyes scanned the perimeters of the tent’s main area for any sign of Caine, patiently waiting for both of them to enter the fort before ultimately closing the ‘door’ again. “You seem upset.”
“Very much so,” Pomni exclaimed shakily, still catching her breath. Running with this body never felt quite right, and her exhaustion was taking a toll on her endurance. “Caine has caught wind of us.”
Alarmed expression immediate, Kinger’s eyes widened at her words, and he took off his reading glasses. “He’s found out about the abstraction?”
“I don’t know how much he’s put together about that, but he has seen my scratches.” Letting go of Jax' hand she lifted her sleeve, showing Kinger the dark claw marks on her skin — now healed thanks to Jax’ intervention, but still visible. Kinger leaned in with interest, putting his glasses right back on to examine them while Pomni continued her explanation: “He tried talking to me, and when I said No he simply followed me back to the hallway.”
“Curious,” Kinger mumbled, moreso to himself than the Jester. Peaking up above the rims of his reading glasses he shot her a questioning gaze. “How did they heal that quickly?”
“They… didn’t exactly heal on their own,” she tried to explain, humming and hawing around the point before sighing. “Jax… did that.”
“He did?” Surprised, Kinger raised his brows, blinking as the rabbit turned his head to the side, almost scoffing at being reminded of his abilities. “How?”
Eyes averting his, Pomni looked around, hands fiddling with one another, pulling at the fabric of her gloves. “Uh— okay, this is gonna sound weird, but…”
“You can tell me. Everything in here is weird in some way or another,” Kinger reassured her, gentle smile encased in his voice laced with faint amusement. “Don’t worry. I won’t judge.”
Finally, Pomni brought herself to tell him what happened, taking a deep breath before she did so. “He licked the injuries.” Quickly shooting Kinger a glance she saw him staying true to his word, face unmoving and listening intently. “Said his saliva seemingly… helps with healing small stuff. He tested it on himself before, and it worked on me, too.”
“Hmm…” Making quiet, thoughtful noise, Kinger nodded slowly. “That does seem to be one of the quirks avatars can have,” he explained. “Though I wasn’t so sure myself if everyone has a unique ability, or if they’re far and few between. Seems like there’s some mystery to all of us, hm?”
“It’s… weird,” Pomni admitted. “I don’t know if I have any abilities — or what they could even be. Doesn’t matter,” she quickly interrupted herself before going off on a tangent, “it sadly doesn’t seem to work with the abstracted patches.”
“Nothing can heal Abstraction without going deep into the user’s code,” Kinger sighed, “as much as it might’ve sounded like a ray of hope for the two of you.”
“To be completely honest, I didn’t think it would’ve helped,” she sighed, “that’d been too much wishful thinking. But at least we have your options.”
“That you have. Let’s just—…” Kinger’s next words were rudely interrupted as sudden noises outside the tent made all three of them freeze up.
Three pairs of eyes quickly darting towards the pillow wall where they’d come from, and despite the comfortable temperature inside the fort Pomni couldn’t help but feel cold shivers run down her spine; a hand grasping onto her clothes in desperate search for something to hold onto that wasn’t the person right next to her.
Jax’ ears turned to face frontward, taking in every little noise that suddenly appeared outside the fort, seemingly out of nowhere.
“It’s Caine,” he quietly spoke, unable to take his eyes off the source. “Has to be him.”
Pomni’s face was almost instantaneously filled with nothing but pure dread, and Kinger took notice, too.
It was an expression not entirely foreign on her face, one seen more often than he'd wished to, and a low sigh escaped the chess piece.
“Stay here. I will deal with Caine.” Despite his reassuring voice, the Jester felt a knot in her chest, heavy and dragging her down.
Caine following her throughout the entire tent and almost into the hallway with persistence she wouldn’t have ever assumed from him — that was a sign she certainly wouldn’t forget any time soon.
The way his eyes had looked at her, missing that familiar glint, that… spark almost.
Sure he was an AI, but even she had to admit that his model made him look almost human at points, it’s expressive nature aiding in making it easy to believe that Caine couldn’t be anything but that sickeningly joyous ringmaster that he used to be.
“Are you sure he’s going to believe you?” She finally brought herself to ask, needing some sort of convincing words — not that Pomni didn’t trust Kinger’s ability to deal with Caine, though she’d rather have some sort of reassurance to keep her troubled mind at bay and her heart quiet. The way it raced within her chest made it seem like it’s beat could be easily perceived from the outside of the tent, too. “He’s been very persistent I fear…”
“I have my way with words. Don’t be afraid.” The smile in Kinger’s eyes couldn’t be missed. “Just stay back, and don’t make a sound. I’ll let you know when he’s gone.”
Shuffling towards the entrance and out of sight Jax and Pomni finally exchanged glances with each other, both faces expressing worry and uncertainty if Kinger would be able to get Caine off their case — and without saying as much as a word, they moved over to a pillow wall closest to the entrance, one where they couldn’t be seen, and listened. Caine’s voice seemed muffled at first, his question drowned out by the distance now closed in on.
“No, I fear I have not seen them,” Kinger spoke, his voice remaining muffled through the pillow wall as both Pomni and Jax leaned in to listen, the latter’s ears standing up as much as they could to catch any stray sound. “If they’re not in their quarters, they could be anywhere, I suppose. Why don’t you see if they’re on the grounds outside somewhere? It’s day out again, so there might be reason to go outside.”
Caine’s reply seemed to either be non-existent or simply too quiet to understand, as neither of the two eavesdroppers were capable of making out something coherent from the AI, though Kinger spoke up a few seconds later: “Yes, that does sound like a good idea. You do that.”
Silence reigned once more, shortly followed by Kinger re-entering the fort and ensuring the pillow used as door would stay put, even putting a few more behind them.
Turning around he got a good look at Pomni and Jax, already having assumed them to listen in on him and Caine.
“Well, that was rather quick,” the chess piece commented, “but I’d prefer it that way. Let’s just hope that’s enough to get Caine off your case. It’s not easy to lie to him when he’s convinced that he knows the truth.”
“He was way too quick to ask you about our whereabouts,” Jax commented, ears flat in correspondence to his worry. “Could he have followed us?”
“Don’t worry about that. Caine coming to me when he’s looking for something or someone isn’t entirely new, though you often don’t see it happening anymore these days.” Kinger seemed a tad amused by his own reply, though he remained serious. “That aside, feel free to make yourself at home. I’m still working on the patch, but there’s enough space for us all to go around.”
A smile appeared on Pomni’s face, finally losing it’s previous tension and fear.
She’d grown to seek comfort within the pillow-made walls of the fort, seemingly impervious to any sort of anxiety or stress that might haunt the likes of them — shedding unwanted dread the moment they overstepped the seemingly invisible line.
To her, it made a difference.
And one quick glance over to Jax told her that he must’ve felt it too.
Shoulders previously tensed easing their hassled position, constantly darting eyes coming to rest on points within the room, allowed to linger.
He no longer appeared like the stressed prey animal his avatar made him out to be, returning to a more human visage that he’d avoided for so long.
In a sense it made her proud, and seeking sanctuary within Kinger’s domain no longer felt as puerile as Pomni had initially taken it to be.
With Caine’s appearance gone they both exchanged relieved expressions, unbreathed sighs lingering within their chests; now so much more than dread-filled and hopeless.
As Jax was looking out for a place to sit down on, his endurance and stamina burnt through by their little escape from his room, Pomni approached Kinger once more — unable to wait with her questions, not wanting to disturb him when he’d started working.
When the chess piece turned towards the sound of her steps, Pomni brought herself to ask outright: “What’s up with Caine lately? I have never seen him like this. I know I have asked this before, but he’s… even stranger than before.”
Previously curious face now turning somewhat sad, Kinger sighed. “I can’t tell for certain, and I cannot guarantee that my assumption is correct, but I’m starting to suspect that Jax’ abstraction is starting to corrupt some core data. Including Caine’s.”
“But— isn’t that incredibly dangerous?” Pomni blinked with furrowed brows. “For the… Circus and all, I mean.”
“In a sense, yes. It’s dangerous for the Circus’ code to grow unstable. Though my findings have shown that it’s moreso Caine’s code being disturbed by the user data, not the Circus’ coding itself. Hence why it’s so stable right now despite Jax’ own corruption.” Kinger explained away, gesturing about. “Though I am concerned about Caine’s state of mind. He’s very disconnected, and has lost a lot of his previous personality…”
“He has. He’s… scary when he’s like that,” she admitted, shivering.
“He most certainly is. As much as I understand that the rest don’t really enjoy his overly joyous demeanor, there’s something eery about such rapid shifts,” Kinger empathized. “But this is something for another day. What we should focus on right now is to keep him off our backs and I’ll continue to work on the patch. It shouldn’t take too long now, especially if you’re right around the corner for some testing.”
In desperate need of reassurance she found herself asking: “You reckon you can test it soon?”
A nod. “Very soon indeed.”
His words struck some previously missed confidence in Pomni’s heart, and she finally allowed herself to display a gentle smile. They’re making progress, slowly, but surely, and the end seemed so close to finally grasp onto. “That sounds wonderful. I can’t thank you enough, Kinger.”
“You don’t have to. It should be a given that you help someone in need if you can,” the chess piece added, “especially if you have the proper abilities and knowledge.”
“It’s finally a step that… has more results than just sitting around I suppose,” Pomni mumbled. “These past few days I was so close to losing all hope, despite knowing you’re working on a solution. All just went down so fast, it felt like we were losing control by the minute…”
“You won’t be losing anymore hope today. Don’t worry. Get some proper sleep. You’ll be safe in here, I will keep an eye out for anything,” Kinger offered, gesturing towards what seemed to be a stack of pillows and blankets sitting in the corner of the main fort area. “You two look like you’ve not had a good night’s sleep for a while now.”
“You don’t even know how right you are,” Pomni sighed, making the first move by grabbing some of the pillows, tossing them towards Jax who caught them with his free hand. “It’s been… difficult to find proper rest this past week. Anytime you think it’s safe to do so something happens.”
A twinge of guilt spread across Jax’ face before disappearing just as quickly, feeling utterly distraught at being the source of so many problems.
Sure, he’d been the source of many grievances throughout his time in the Circus, and often times it hadn’t bothered him at all. Now, his chest clenched up tightly hearing Pomni’s words and complaints — valid ones, too.
“See? I wasn’t that far off. So it’ll be better for the both of you to finally sleep without feeling like you have to watch out all the time,” Kinger smiled. “Make yourself right at home. I’ll be giving my best to keep quiet while I’m working.” Jokingly putting a finger over where his mouth would be, he got a faint smile from the two avatars in front of him. “Grab whatever blankets and pillows you need. They’re all yours.”
“Are you sure, though?” Pomni felt uncertain still, her hand lingering above a blanket she was planning to grab for herself.
“Yes. I’ll take over from here, go get some rest. You earned it more than anyone,” Kinger spoke, gently so, re-assuring the young woman.
“I’m glad you’re here for us,” she spoke in return, and watched his gaze soften. “Thank you. For everything. A thousand times over.”
“And you’re always welcome. Now, and a thousand times over, too.” Kinger’s smile was evident in his voice. “Now go, get some rest. Both of you.”
His gaze took in both of them, and they both returned it in their own way.
Pomni's gaze conveyed familiar gratitude, mixed with a hint of uncertainty about what today—and tomorrow—would bring. Jax's gaze, on the other hand, was harder to read, but this was no longer unusual.
Despite these circumstances, however, Kinger could clearly see that he too appreciated what was being done for him here—the things that were being put in place just to ensure his precarious survival.
As the chess piece turned a corner into another ‘room’ of his fort Pomni brought a few more pillows over to Jax, shifting them around until they’d made something resembling a bed as closely as possible.
Just by the looks of it the entire makeshift bed appeared as something where One would get the best sleep in their life, though the Jester doubted she’d be resting peacefully as long as Jax’ condition remained the way it was — or while Caine was still outside, unpredictable and unstable.
“Try to sleep, okay? We both need it,” she spoke, and Jax knew that her own sleep had been suffering alongside his. As he gave her a nod Pomni smiled softly, a calm sigh expelled from a quick, deep breath.
“Yeah. We do,” Jax voiced his agreement out loud, settling into their makeshift place for the night — or better said, morning and day.
It certainly didn’t feel like any bed he had ever slept on, though he’d preferred this way above a mattress on the floor and a thin wool blanket, like he’d used back in college and at his dad’s house.
Actually, the Circus had been his first time to ever sleep on a proper bed, frame and all, and it had felt… weird.
Unfamiliar and so utterly disconnected from the previous experiences he had made.
Pomni watched his movements, how he shifted and seemed more comfortable on this construction than he’d ever appeared on his actual bed inside of his room.
She never ought to question it though, attributing this subtle shift to Kinger’s fort offering the two of them a sense of stability and shelter they haven’t been able to grasp in Jax’ room this entire time — considering all that had gone down inside of there.
Even days later Pomni swore she could smell the stench of iron souring the air, thick and heavy, dripping down her throat like syrup and making bile rise from the inside.
Kinger’s fort was the opposite.
It had a faint, familiar smell — that of old book pages when they turned yellow over time, wood varnish, a hint of anise that she’d never noticed in her previous visits; all coming together to form a quiet symphony, not too overbearing, but not too subtle either, sitting in the middle just enough for some comfortable company.
Maybe it was this certain kind of ‘old people smell’.
So it came to little surprise for her that she found it quite easy falling asleep, compared to Jax’ room, nudging the designated pillow for her head around a bit more before wrapping her arms around it.
Though, despite her proposition towards Jax, he couldn’t settle in as easily as the Jester did, shoulders shaking while he sat there between softness and blankets, half-closed eyes staring off into the distance.
He caught his gaze tethering several times, and instead of blankly focusing any point they remained on Pomni’s still sleeping frame.
As he leaned more over the Jester Jax hadn’t realized he’d lifted his hand — the abstracted one, which had slipped from the hoodie’s sleeve, now showing it’s jagged and ever changing edges, faint static fizzling across it’s blackened parts.
Unlike the other day there were no eyes to be seen with the exception of a large on sitting on his palm, and Jax didn’t dare to look into it, head turned to the side.
It didn’t feel right.
It was means of destruction.
Anything touched by it would inevitably glitch out, lose it’s shape, threatened to have it’s data corrupted until nothing more but scrambled numbers remained.
What if I touched her with it?
Jax snapped right back out of his head the second he heard this thought, spoken through his own internal voice, yet not by his choice.
He felt a quivering gasp inside of his throat, cold and sharp, and tore his gaze away from Pomni, blood running cold.
I could take her with me, and we’d be together.
Or at the very least she wouldn’t have to deal with the emotions of me being gone.
If I can’t have her, no one can—
And suddenly, the artificial breath felt stale and ragged within his lungs.
Another quiver shook his frame, triggered be the guilt his thoughts had set free at last.
What the fuck was he even thinking about? What was he even considering?
This was wrong. Utterly wrong.
As quickly as he’d looked at his hand he was swift to drag the sleeve back over his arm, tying the end into a knot with such vigor the fabric almost tore.
Jax’ chest heaved with shallow, panicked breaths.
You can't touch her. She would glitch out.
It could lead to her abstraction, and you'd be taking her down with you.
But what if I wanted that?
What if I was as selfish as they expect me to be, and take her with me?
Make us One, for eternity, where humanity cannot reach us. Go somewhere far aware.
No.
That's wrong. It's so utterly wrong.
Who am I to decide her fate?
Who am I to make these decisions?
Why am I even considering these... options?
Options. He could barely bear even calling them that.
They were no options.
They were manifestations of his own, unfiltered anxiety, dread, confusion and egotism, slowly creeping into his mind whenever he wasn't looking.
Quickly Jax turned onto the other side, back turned towards Pomni and a hand on his trembling chest, hitched breaths of utter panic threatening to clog his throat.
He got to calm down, otherwise this wouldn’t end well. And yet, he was terrified of his own head, his own thoughts.
Who in their right mind would even think about such? Wanting to take someone’s life just to keep them close in times where death seemed closer than ever.
He didn't want to be selfish. Not to that extend.
All the pain he’d brought to people, caused through sheer intention and with the want to make them hurt as much as he’d been hurting — wanting to feel anything except this settling dread and terror within the digital scape of this world — the last thing Jax had ever wanted was to bring death.
An absolute end no one ought to outrun.
Confusion could be one hell of a drug to the mind, making it irregular, confused, dazed, fogging up any rational decisions that could be made.
Finally able to get some sleep into his system Jax curled in on himself, hands balled into fists close to his chest, grasping onto the fabric of his shirt so tightly it restricted around his neck, trapping the longer fur of his mane underneath.
There he felt the shaking of his ribcage, rising and falling with each shallow breath taken in both agony and anxiety, unable to let go.
The second he dared removing his hand from anything physical it felt as if his mind was slipping into endless darkness, like he’d been summoned into the cellar without even knowing he was down there.
Who’s to tell that he wasn’t already in there, and all of this were just play pretend scenarios his head had made up for him?
Who was to say that this wasn’t purgatory already?
Maybe it was meant to feel that way, meant to be both agony and relief for him to forget that all he ever was — human, cartoon, archetype, character, code on a hard drive — had vanished an unknown while ago.
Still shivering the rabbit allowed himself to finally slip into something akin to sleep, though it remained wishful thinking.
One couldn’t call such light and shallow attempts at resting ‘sleep’, but he wasn’t entirely awake either.
As long as his eyes remained closed without such devastating and unwanted thoughts ravaging his mind it’d be better than anything, Jax concluded for himself.
It didn’t take long for silence to encase the fort once more, and Kinger lifted his head, looking over to where Pomni and Jax had made their little domain.
Whenever the chess piece passed by silently in his quest to gather tools, he couldn’t help but toss a quick glance towards the two — both deeply coiled into the seemingly dozens of pillows and blankets they’d arranged into something akin to a bed. Jax was still wearing the hoodie, keeping the sleeve of his abstracted arm tied up so his hand wouldn’t slip out — the other was wrapped around Pomni, who in turn had scooted close enough to bury her face in his chest, fur moving with every deep breath she took.
Where they’d previously laid there with some distance between them that space had closed, both seeking each other’s comfort and presence, and he couldn’t help but smile at such display.
They still had a chance for all to work out, and if he could provide some help along the way, he’d ensure it was the best they could get.
This darkness wasn’t the same abyss Jax had expected from the few quick looks he’d ever gotten of the cellar.
This was… new. Softer. A seemingly room without any walls, encasing an infinite space without borders defining it’s true size, disallowing any human comprehension.
Jax wasn’t entirely sure what he was looking at, though the mild lighting and tranquil atmosphere of his environment appeared too ethereal to be hostile — but in turn it’s sanitized and play-pretend of comfort made it even eerier than any darkness could ever be.
A praying beast, beautiful eyes but ugly teeth, ready to rip and tear at a moment’s notice.
All the fur on his body seemed to bristle at once, standing at attention just like his mind.
The rabbit’s eyes darted around from side to side, assessing his situation and chance of survival — not even considering this wasn’t anything but a dream, nothing that could hurt him from the outside.
Though, his inside, which stood vulnerable and exposed within the confines of his mind and this very dream — it remained vulnerable as ever.
Steps closed in on him — actual steps of a person, and it wasn’t long until Jax’ sensitive eyes made out who brought soft illumination into this indigo tinted nothingness.
Familiar shapes moving and settling into places as if they had to recall what they’d even looked like before, shadows gracefully dancing around one another darker than any other color surrounding them.
He didn’t know how to react, ears pinned backwards as said shapes approached with unknown intent.
They might as well be hostile, and Jax wasn’t about to find out the hard way. He’d been way too cautious to let this one slip.
It was then that the shape before him started to speak, a voice so familiar it made his blood run cold, freeze in it’s movement within his veins.
This couldn’t be. Even as a dream Jax couldn’t quite comprehend what unfolded right in front of him — who stood and spoke from the darkness now vanishing barely enough to allow for some illumination to encase the two of them.
Then, he made out what was said, ringing in his ears having him deafened for a few seconds.
“It’s nice seeing you again after all this time,” she spoke, leaning forward faintly. “It’s been how long? Years at this point? Man, time surely flies in here!”
Jax flinched backwards, confusion in the furrow of his brows, ears laying flat as he took a step back whenever the jagged figure in front of him approached.
Assessing the situation it’d become clear he was having a dream that must’ve brought him back into some sort of mind scape, similar in appearance to the Circus’ cellar, and it didn’t help making him feel any relief.
The Abstraction did not hesitate calling out his hesitation: “What’s the matter? Cat got your tongue?”
“Ribbit?”
“Who else?” She laughed, amusement in her voice. “As I live and breathe. Well, to some extend.”
He blinked, taken aback by the surreal nature of the unfolding scenery. “I’m just— confused I suppose.”
“Everyone is. But I can’t deny it’s quite nice being in this state.” She opened her arms and came even closer, and once again Jax stepped back. “Why are you avoiding me? Don’t you want to join me in here? Can’t you wait to become One with us?”
“Who is us?”
Encasing the entire dimmed cellar with one gesturing of her hands, Ribbit giggled at his seemingly obvious questioning. “Everyone down here, silly. We’re happy. You can be, too.”
Her voice matched the pouting expression on her face, and he felt bad for building up distance — but Jax couldn’t help it considering her weird demeanor.
This wasn't the Ribbit he knew.
“I don’t think I’d be happy in the cellar,” he objected, earning himself another laugh at his dispense, another attempt at getting in close. "I still want to leave this place."
Once more, Jax stepped back, appearing more like a cornered animal than a person, and maybe this is exactly what this amalgamation of his former best friend wanted from it.
This surely couldn’t be Ribbit. It just didn’t make any sense.
Sure, it had her voice, her laugh, her demeanor and way of moving about like there was no care in the world — yet every word let lose from that Abstraction’s lips would’ve never been said by her.
She’d never asked him such things.
“You're not real," Jax spoke, voice barely above a hushed, hissed whisper through gritted teeth. “You're a hallucination. Leave me alone.”
Commanding it did nothing. Why did he even think it'd change anything?
These things were either products of his mind or controlled by Caine, either options appearing worse than the other.
“A hallucination?” She sounded offended at the mere notion of being perceived as one. “How dare you!” Playful remarks, and yet, they sounded so eerily like her. A perfect simulacrum. “Jax, you’re no fun. I thought you were hoping to see me again.”
Hesitation delayed his reply. “I was, but… not like this. I wanted to see the real you.”
“The real me is here, silly,” she laughed, “look at me. Do I look any different?”
Whirling around she present her entire, digital frame, and Jax had to look away.
Yes.
Yes, she did look different.
Light green and blue body sprawling with dark abstracted patches, colorful and offensively bright eyes scattered across them.
Her patches didn’t even look like his own — lacking the blueish gradients, the star-like patterns Pomni had brought to his attention.
No, this wasn’t Ribbit. Not in the slightest. All they shared were their appearances, the sound of their voices, but nothing more.
It’d never be more than similarities.
Ribbit was dead.
As dead as abstracted people could ever be.
Jax knew as much. Even when he had seen her inside his own mind back when he’d been unconscious — or however One might want to label the status he’d assumed after shooting himself — this… version of her seemed so utterly different.
Wrong, even. This wasn’t the same person he’d spoken to in his own mind’s scape, and Jax wasn’t about to accept this amalgamation of his memories as Ribbit.
“You’re nothing like you used to be,” Jax spoke, sadly so, quietly grieving through his voice. “Something my mind made up for me, or something else. I don’t know. Maybe you’re just part of the Abstraction process.”
“You’re so painfully suspicious of everything! Come on, where is that old Jax I knew?” She came closer, hands on her backs, leaning forward in playful jest. “You used to be so much more inclined to join in on these!”
“These… what?” He asked, face scrunched in irritation, backing away from the approaching person. He couldn’t even see her as anything but a random person, a trick of the light, a simulacrum of the woman he’d once known. This wasn’t her. “You don’t even know me. You’re a fabrication. Leave me alone, I won’t say it again.”
She snickered, and proceeded to approach the terrified looking rabbit even closer. “Then don’t say it again, silly, it’s that easy. Just let me show you.”
“Show me what? You’re speaking in riddles! Just be clear, for once!” Without wanting it a begging undertone had made it’s way into Jax’ voice, and he had started to yell. “Stop making this weirder than it is!”
Grabbing onto his arms to make himself smaller he couldn’t help but let his panicked eyes dart around, finding nothing.
Ribbit had vanished, and with her, the light was gone; environment cast into this dark nothingness once more, inky sludge lapping at his feet with sickening gurgles.
It felt slimy, syrupy, like all those times before. Jax stumbled backwards, only to feel hands suddenly applying pressure onto his shoulders.
Tearing him from whatever — or whoever — had touched him he couldn’t help but yell out in surprise, seeing no one in the place where he’d just stood.
No one that could’ve grabbed him at least. Was this even still part of the dream?
Suddenly, all of the air around him seemed to withdraw, an icy sensation engulfing him like a blanket had been ripped from his body, exposing his fur to biting coldness unwilling to let go, and he let out a pained cry.
His scream would translate into the real world, because when he shot up from his bed he found Pomni scrambling to get out of their shared blanket mess, eyes darting around in hopes to assess the situation as much as humanly possible in her still sleepy state.
He shot up with a sharp exhale, claws curled and shaking as his hand tried to grab onto something that was no longer there; a part of his dream that did not make it into the real world as Pomni’s head turned in confusion at the sudden noisy intrusion tearing her right from sleep’s arms.
It didn't take long for her to discover the source of the scream—and cautiously approach him, watching Jax’ frame shake through his clothes; he’d wrapped his arms around his upper torso, seemingly to catch any amount of comfort he could possibly get from himself, sobs now following eerily quiet after his previous scream.
The blankets they’d been used were tossed to the side with him having them ripped off his body during his sleep, leaving the rabbit shivering despite his clothes still on.
Pomni scooted in closer, remaining at a respectful distance when she saw him flinch, appearing like he hadn’t fully returned to the real world, the Circus, yet Most likely a nightmare, that’d be her best guess what had disturbed him, torn him right out of sleep.
“Hey, you’re okay.”
Dragging in a labored breath between gritted teeth it sounded like a hiss, and Jax took a moment to finally respond: “No, I really am not. But I don’t want to off load all of that onto you, Pomni. I really don’t.”
His voice shook to the point of him having troubles to not stutter.
Pomni did that head tilt again. And it almost got him.
Wanting to reach out her hand twitched faintly, though she did not raise it — yet.
To her it’d become obvious he didn’t need anything more overwhelming him right now.
“You can tell me if something’s wrong,” she gently offered.
“No, it’s just—…” Jax’ breathing hitched, artificial movement halted within his lungs, and he grasped onto the fabric of his hoodie, clenching it in his fist with his remaining hand. “I… I don’t want to break. I can’t break. Not when we’re this close— not when Kinger’s this close to helping me…”
Unshed tears brimmed his eyes, and Jax averted Pomni’s gaze, turning his head so far that he hoped she would never see said tears.
When her hands gently cradled his face, offering touch through outstretched hands he turned back, feeling the tips of her gloved fingers brush his cheeks — and he leaned in, placing his head on her palms, breathing a shaking sigh; cold breaths against warm hands.
“It’s okay,” Pomni spoke, calm, quietly — words shared solely between the two of them. “It’s okay to show these emotions. I don’t know how often I told you about it, but you don’t have to put on that mask of yours when I’m here. I won’t judge.”
“I know,” Jax whispered, crooning almost as he leaned his head further into her hands, trying to not have her touch the abstracted patches. “I know, Pom, I just—…”
“It’s hard to accept, isn’t it?”
“Yes. All of this, it never seems to end. I just want it to end. I want to be… better. Not just this,” he admitted, eyes closed as he gave himself into the touch. “This abstraction is eating me, and I fear it’s all I will be at some point. These thoughts, they’re all trying to get to me, and I can’t keep fighting them. I’m simply not strong enough.”
Jax suddenly felt her hands slip, and before her could react — could return to them — Pomni’s arms wrapped themselves around his body, dragging herself further into the hug, her head nestled on his chest, warm cheeks against the fabric of his hoodie.
Again it was his lungs betraying him, and the rabbit felt hot tears dwell up until they fell, rolling down his cheeks.
He blinked, giving up any resistance he previously held against them, and a hiccup left his throat quietly.
“And that’s okay,” Pomni spoke, voice muffled through the fabric she was still burrowing her face in, feeling the coldness radiating off of Jax’ sobbing frame underneath. “It’s okay to not feel strong enough. That’s just human. You can’t always be strong, not for yourself, not for others. You just don’t have to lose yourself.”
“I don’t know if I can do that,” he clucked tearfully, “I don’t know if I can stay… whole until there something to fix… all of this. All of me. The nightmares are getting worse, and the voices louder.”
Exhaling a quiet sigh Pomni’s eyes darted around, unable to lock onto any point in the room with her uneasy demeanor, until a certain thought entered her mind.
“Let me ask Kinger if he has something for you,” she offered, and when Jax didn’t object the Jester rose from their shared resting place. “I’ll be right back.”
A subtle nod was all Jax gave her, tears still dwelling on the edges of his squinted eyes, wetting the fur on his face as they finally fell. It wasn’t unwarranted — but so utter foreign seeing him in such distress to the point of allowing himself to openly cry.
She knew how it felt, hiding One’s true emotions until they pushed back enough, finally breaking the dam that’d hold them back for oh so long.
She found Kinger at his little working station he’d made for himself inside the fort, consisting of a small desk cluttered with all kinds of objects she couldn’t even name if she had their use explained to her.
Whatever they were they seemingly aided the chess piece in creating the patch needed for Jax’ recovery — hopefully.
Approaching him, Pomni cleared her throat as to not scare him before raising her voice: “Hey, Kinger? Do you… have a minute for me?”
He laid down his tools with care upon hearing her voice from behind, with gentle intent which could be read as in several ways; the chains on his reading glasses swaying softly.
Kinger laid eyes on the Jester as his head turned, his expression warmed in an instance. “Always. What’s on your mind?”
She hadn’t expected him to agree so quickly, considering how busy he’d been just mere moments before.
Her hands fidgeted around nervously, before parted lips quietly sighed.
“It’s— less about me. More about Jax. Do you have anything that might help with... nightmares?” Pomni tentatively asked, not wanting to disturb the peaceful atmosphere encasing the small working area Kinger had made for himself. “Or anything that might help Jax fall asleep and stay asleep? That seems to be what he has the most trouble with.”
“That’s what they usually struggle with in the later stages,” Kinger spoke as he got up from his seat, quick to act upon being asked for help. “The sleeping part, and the nightmares.”
Curiosity got the better of her, and Pomni couldn’t help but ask the thought roaming inside her mind upon hearing Kinger’s observation, following the chess piece as he was gliding through his little work area. “Did you wife have them, too?”
“Yes. Very much so. That was also the reason why we liked to go out at night to watch the fireflies together. Two birds with one stone, so to speak. She became calmer, no longer struggled with nightmares, and was able to distract herself with her studies at the same time,” he recounted, Pomni listening eagerly — and with saddened eyes. “Even though it couldn't prevent what was to come, it at least gave us some time together.”
“How long do you reckon does he still have?” She didn’t want to ask this question, but couldn’t stop herself.
“I’m not sure. His abstraction as I previously said is indeed a very curious case.” Kinger’s hands were busy searching about inside of his many shelves, eyes still lingering on Pomni. A peculiar sight indeed, but nothing could phase her at this point anymore. Anything inside of this world had become… normal. And to be expected. “Jax seems to undergo through the same phases as the Abstractions I had been able to see unfold, primarily that of my wife, but where the others would inevitably fully abstract almost on the spot at the end, he’s been given a sort of… timer. A visual one at that.”
“Timer?” Following Kinger Pomni couldn’t quite grasp what he was alluding towards.
“Yes. A visible timer in the form of spots on his skin. They spread and, depending on the stage of spread we can determine in which stage he’s currently at. That’s one reason why I had been so well paced with the development of the patch,” the chess piece added, sly undertone painting his voice instead of a smile. “It’s been going quite well, and as distressing as it can seem to witness these stages up-close, I’m confident we will get him back together. One way or another.”
The silence that followed his words was nothing new. Kinger had grown accustomed to it by now, and he took it in stride with a certain calmness—the same calmness that so often surrounded him and radiated a soothing effect on those around him. In tonight’s case it lend some comfort to the woman standing next to him, her eyes averting his, looking over to the side as her hand brushed over the opposite arm.
“How has he been doing besides that?” Kinger’s voice brought Pomni’s attention back to him, watching the chess piece move about.
“He’s been quite self-deprecating lately.” Pomni tossed him a worrying glance, kicking her legs as she sat there, unable to remain still right now. Whenever her mind was racing like this it wasn’t just her lips fighting to speak it aloud, but also her body displaying quite clearly how nervous she was. “I don’t know if these moments are his old, lucid self, or the abstraction speaking through his mouth. it’s eerie, and hearing him say these things with his own voice doesn’t help one bit.”
Listening intently, the chess piece tilted his head. “What has he said to you?”
“A lot of things. I know Jax has never been good with showing emotions and admitting any kind of weakness, though…” She sighed. “I don’t know. He’s been having nightmares and hallucinations of sorts. He wakes up in panic, and then just shuts down.”
“Talking about these sort of experiences can be traumatic,” Kinger gently advised, “he might not be ready to re-live them when telling you about them.”
Tucking her head in further between her shoulders she appeared almost guilty, as if she’d been caught doing something she should’ve known better about.
“I know,” Pomni quietly spoke, sighing. “I just— I feel like the least I can do is ask him, you know? I can’t just sit by.”
Understanding glimmered in the depths of blue eyes, as Kinger adjusted his reading glasses, the chains attached to them swaying faintly, catching the soft light from the glass lamp next to them.
“Maybe next time it happens, you can offer him your presence,” he suggested. “No words until he’s as ready to speak as you are. Sometimes it helps a lot to know that someone is there for you and will wait until you’re ready to tell them about it.”
“I tried that.” Pomni sighed. “It… worked sometimes. Other times it didn’t. We just sat in silence for hours.”
“And that’s okay too. You’re there for him, and he knows he can talk to you. That’s what matters.” Kinger approached her, now sitting down next to the Jester, keeping a small distance between them as he remembered her apprehension towards physical touch. “Your intentions are the driving force, and it cannot be underestimated. Don’t beat yourself up just because you assume you’re not there for him enough. You are.”
“You think?” Doubt spread all across Pomni’s face, and she scrunched her eyebrows. “Sometimes it doesn’t feel that way. I just… question myself on the daily. Why I’m still here, but then I feel like I’m not there enough, either. It’s confusing, and I can’t really trust my own self sometimes.”
“You don’t have to destroy yourself in order to rebuild another,” Kinger gently advised. “Don’t make the same mistake as others have done before you, Pomni. It won’t go well in the long-run, and you still have a life to live after all of this is over.”
“Sometimes I don’t even feel like there’s a real life after this,” she quietly admitted, hands scrunching the fabric of her shirt, tugging on it with growing nervousness. “What if there is no exit, and we’ll spend eternity inside of here?”
His thoughtful gaze did not waver for a second from her brooding frame. “Even then, there’s a life to live, and One that shouldn’t be ruined by the desperate attempt to heal someone who isn’t yet ready to be healed. Or at least not entirely.”
Kinger’s words did make sense — and they both knew that she’d understood his message.
Though, it remained difficult, almost complex to completely grapple with the thought of ever returning to another world.
A normal world, their world, where they actually belonged.
The lines of real life and the Circus had started to blur, and slowly but surely Pomni had started asking herself where she truly mattered.
In the real world, or in here, where she’d made significant changes for at least one person?
What was there waiting for her in the real world? Would all of this change she’d brought be undone, if there even was a chance for all of them to escape?
Questions over questions she couldn’t answer, nor expect any answer for from Kinger.
Even though he seemed in possession of extensive knowledge — more than she herself could ever wish to have — there simply existed some variables and paths outside of his wisdom and foreseeing sight, too.
Finally plucking up her courage, Pomni got up from their shared seat, a sigh tucked in her chest that never quite left, hand leaving her shirt’s fabric.
“I’ll… just let life come at me I suppose. Pondering over it for too long will just make these thoughts worse.” A sigh. “Thanks. I’ll see how he’s doing.”
She gave Kinger another smile before returning back to Jax, hope fluttering inside of her chest with wings so small they felt almost non-existent — but she knew it was there.
Maybe she had asked Kinger for help at just the right time.
The rabbit was sitting upright in bed, blankets tossed to the side, his fur bristled to the point of appearing moreso as spikes than anything soft to the touch — like she’d gotten to know it’s texture these past days.
He was shaking despite sweat glistening off his forehead where his fur was the shortest it could be, golden sheen painted by the few lamps offering gentle, warm illumination.
Underneath layers of fabric his chest heaved through ragged breaths, each exhale heard sharply and laborious, as if he was fighting back against some sort of blockade deep inside his lungs.
Each of them painfully aware that were was none, and it was merely the dread and anxiety building up through his body thanks to the Abstraction — but it was real nontheless, real to Jax, and in turn, real to Pomni as well.
“Hey.” She approached him gently, as One would with a startled animal, and his ears perked upwards to turn into her direction. “I brought you something. Kinger made it.”
“What?” It didn’t sound like a question, moreso as plea to say more, to make him aware that he was back in reality.
Pomni couldn’t consider herself surprised — Jax had been fighting with nightmares ever since they’d gotten to sleep, and in his waking moments he’d struggled to differentiate between reality and dream.
So she sat down besides him, their legs touching, and after one initial flinch he leaned into her, heat radiating off his shaking frame.
A cruel juxtaposition, but real nevertheless.
Abstraction was one confusing and head-turning sensation she couldn’t comprehend, even as an onlooker.
“I… asked Kinger if he could make you something to sleep better, without nightmares possibly. Similar to the stuff he made for the bath, or the butterfly when you—,” watching Jax make a quick gesture, Pomni interrupted herself, expression softening. Surely he wouldn’t appreciate recalling that awful evening, and she couldn’t blame him — she didn’t really want to, either. “Anyways. Here you go.”
Extending the small bottle towards him, Jax eyed it suspiciously, brows furrowed. “Is it safe?”
“Kinger made it. So I’d say yeah it is,” Pomni reiterated, moving her hands a bit closer, encouraging the rabbit to take it. “I wouldn’t give you anything that’d harm you.”
“I know.” Jax’ throat seemed to close up, and before that could happen he took the bottle from Pomni’s hands, removing it’s cap to down the entire content in one go.
It had no distinguishable taste — at least none Jax could name, and felt a little static when it went down; it’s polygons merging with his own as it took effect, and within a few moments a gentle sensation spread from within his chest, slowly adjusting his body’s temperature until it regulated itself to a manageable one. He sighed, frame relaxing and shoulders dropping, allowing Jax to take proper breaths again, trembling chest calming.
Witnessing such display allowed for the knot inside Pomni’s own chest to unravel, worries regarding it’s effectiveness vanishing by the second.
Seems like once again, Kinger has worked his digital magic.
She ought to know how in the world he was capable of seemingly finding exactly what was needed upon being asked, though a sneaking suspicion had already planted it’s seed inside her mind, slowly spreading roots of assumed knowledge and theories.
Maybe he knew more than he lead on, his knowledge regarding Caine’s behavior proving such thoughts for her.
“Better?” She dared to ask, and a small nod of his had her sigh in relief.
“A bit. But still…” His hand clutched to his hoodie, and then released the fabric right after, claws digging into it. “I don’t know.”
Pomni leaned a tad forward and in closer, watching his face closely. “But?”
“I don’t know how long I can keep myself away from Abstraction. After… losing so many people it just seems hopeless, this want to remain. And fruitless to even look for any way to escape this world, to return to humanity like nothing had happened,” Jax mumbled into his sleeve. “It’s all too much sometimes.”
“Why does it seem hopeless for you?”
“You can do so much for someone… and in the end, they still vanish. I might just vanish.” His voice was quiet, laced with sadness as he squeezed each word from his throat in anguish. “It’s hopeless. Why is everyone looking for an exit so desperately? It all just loops back into this place, and inevitably ends in… nothingness.”
“Because none of us want to stay in this cycle forever,” Pomni gently, but persistently replied. “We don’t want this to continue on and on and risk losing ourselves to apathy in the long-run.”
“Seems like that’s too late for me now,” Jax scoffed. “I’m already lost in it.”
“If you want to stay in there that’s on you,” Pomni reprimanded, although gently. “You can still chose to leave the cycle if you want to. But that’s a choice no one can make for you. If you want it.”
“I… do kind of want it. There’s just this voice inside of me — all of these movies and stuff you see about villains redeeming themselves… sometimes I catch myself thinking that it’d be nice to have something like that going for me.” He shrugged, almost as if he was trying to dismiss his own established point, trying to once again push down these thoughts relating to himself and the story Jax had set up for his own person in the Circus. “But it’s… just wishful thinking.”
Pomni didn’t ponder on her thoughts for too long, simply asking: “Do you think you’re beyond… redeeming yourself?”
“Maybe. Who am I to judge that?” Jax asked back and for once it was Pomni who didn’t have an answer for him. He took notice, smile on his face sobering as quickly as it had found it’s place there again. “That’s not a decision for me to make. The others can decide that, I guess.”
“Well, it’s not your decision if you’ve achieved it — or if you’re past the point of no return. But it’s still your decision if you even want to try it,” Pomni objected, watching his eyes dart to the ground, shoulders tightening up. “You can give it a chance — if you want to.”
Silence befell their little corner, and Jax brought his knees closer to his chest, appearing smaller than ever next to the Jester, who kept her eyes on him, knowing he wasn’t quite done with the topic.
“Do you want to redeem yourself?” She asked outright, and they both knew she needed to just that. Otherwise there would be no answer from him.
“I suppose I’d like that,” Jax spoke up after a few more moments passed, lingering on his answer, letting it dissolve on his tongue before even voicing it aloud.
And despite her expectation of such answer, Pomni felt surprise as she heard his reply.
Then, Jax continued: “But sometimes, I fear that I might be one of those villains that can never achieve redemption with the people around them. They’ve done… too much damage to ever do anything even close to making up for their actions.”
Pomni smiled through her sigh. She couldn’t help but sigh at his words. “You’re not the villain. You’re just human.”
He raised an eyebrow at her, playful jest glinting in his yellow eye — the other remained as neutral as often. “Didn’t you ask me if my archetype was the villain?”
“I was joking. You can’t take a joke now?” Gently nudging the rabbit with her elbow she couldn’t help but use his own words against her, such stark contrast to when they were spoken in the first place.
Not with vigor, or mean intent to save himself from what she might’ve done thanks to his words, but rather through merrymaking, nothing but to lighten the mood.
Jax knew was she was doing — and from her, he didn’t even mind.
He couldn’t bring himself to object, not even jokingly so, though the expression on his face softened.
“Maybe you’re right about that one. I’m not so sure if I can agree, but… we’ll see.” He shifted around, loosening up his position a bit. “As you said. It’s for the others to decide if I’m beyond the point of no return… or not. I doubt that Gangle and Zooble would ever want to see me anywhere but beyond said point. And I cannot even blame them. That’s a hole… I dug myself.” He hesitated for his last few words, seemingly having to push them out through literally gritted teeth, having to come to terms with his own realization.
“What about Ragatha? You and her share some familiarity. She knew you before… it all went downhill.” Pomni tossed him a quick look, and Jax turned his head, unable to meet the Jester’s eyes for the most part, ears pinned back. Then, a shrug, though with less vigor than normally, and after a sigh escaped him he started to speak again, voice quiet and almost apprehensive; carefully sorting this words as if they could be taken the wrong way if he wouldn’t.
“I’m not sure about her. She doesn’t feel like the person I thought I’d knew back… in the days,” Jax mumbled, admitting something Pomni had heard before.
And in a sense she felt herself silently agreeing on the inside. First it had been Gangle sowing little seeds of doubt inside of her regarding the Ragdoll — and now Jax as well. Had done it before, if she was completely honest with herself.
“What made you think that way?” She wanted to know. What had pushed Jax onto the same path of thinking Gangle seemingly followed, even though in a different way than she did?
“It felt like… the wound her Abstraction left never quite healed on my part. At all. Whenever I look at Ragatha— it’s… daunting, almost. She appears so carefree and disconnected from any grief I have ever seen. Right after Ribbit was no more she returned to her old demeanor, back to the good old sunshine she used to be. I felt betrayed,” Jax quietly spoke, exchanging glances with Pomni inbetween sentences, his eyes filled with not just sadness, but a silent grief he’d never let go of to begin with. “While her wound was perfect, mine just continued to get infected. Got bruises. Bled daily.”
Unlike many times before she would let this go by unnoticed. He needed a small push to begin questioning his own, unchallenged perception of the world and people around him, seemingly having grown too comfortable to simply assume.
“How do you know her’s is perfect?” Pomni asked, intent quite clear in the way she worded it.
“Because she— just acted like everything’s fine! How can you go from being sad and crying one day to simply appearing like nothing’s ever happened?” Jax’ confusion was clear and imminent, and the looks he shot Pomni appeared more questioning and searching than anything — as if he was trying to get an answer from her, too incorporated in his own questioning towards Ragatha’s behavior to see it laid out in front of him.
So, Pomni picked up on it.
“You kinda already gave yourself the answer,” she objected gently, shifting her legs around and moving the pillows they’d been using to sit on. “She… acted. People grieve in so many different ways, you know? Some shut down, some get angry, some pretend it never happened so it hurts less… it’s complicated and it’s weird sometimes, especially if you’re grieving in a completely opposite way.”
“But isn’t it just more difficult and hurtful to pretend like nothing happened?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m not Ragatha. I can’t give you that answer, Jax. Maybe you’d be better off asking her that exact question. But you cannot demand her to suffer in the same way you did.”
“I know I can’t… control her grief. It just seems… unfair sometimes. Weird, too,” he scoffed, crossing his arm on his knees. “I don’t even know if she wants to talk to me to begin with… about this.”
“Well, she seemed ready to talk to you last time,” Pomni argued. “She never struck me as a person that would reject a talk…”
“No. She wouldn’t.” A joyless smile appeared on Jax’ face, and he sighed, one hand running over his ears now pinned back. “I sometimes wonder if I’m just trying to deny how much I know about her. I keep pretending like I don’t know the answer to my questions already, or like I wouldn’t know that Ragatha would jump at the opportunity to have a proper talk.”
“Are you afraid that she’d tell you something you don’t want to hear?”
“I guess so,” Jax quietly spoke, inhaling sharply. “During our last talk she was… very open about a few things, and she was very direct with them, too. I never saw her like that. It felt almost… offensive to have her behave like that.”
Pomni couldn’t help but feel the corners of her mouth twitch. Not a joyous one, but rather a stand-in for a sarcastic scoff. “Nothing like the cheerful one you’d expected of her?”
“No. I know she’s not the cheerful one,” the rabbit admitted, although with hesitation painting his entire frame and face. He was doubting himself, every word spoken, and maybe even her. Pomni wouldn’t have been surprised.
“You asked if it’s not more difficult to just pretend like nothing happened,” she picked the topic up again, shifting it around a bit. “But aren’t you kinda doing the same? In general, I mean.”
“I’m not sure what you’re alluding towards.” Jax knew exactly what Pomni was alluding towards, and it scared him to hear those words from her, clearly aware that she would not beat around the bush with him.
No. She’d be painfully honest with both of them in the know that Jax needed it — desperately.
“You push people away, look for sore spots, alienate them… and then act like nothing ever happened. I saw your exchange with Gangle during the whole team gathering for the gun adventure,” Pomni added, watching Jax’ ear falling flat, eyes averting her own. Like he so often did when he wasn’t ready to face the truth. “You spoke as if nothing had ever happened between the two of you. As if you’d never bullied or pushed her around. You put on an act yourself. Maybe… Ragatha and you aren’t too far off, you know? Both of you deal with things in a certain way, which aren’t healthy, but… I suppose that makes both of you pretty human.”
She’d almost expected Jax to deflect, walk away or even get angry towards her, but after a few seconds of silence had finally passed he chortled quietly, his shoulders shaking from the little laugh escaping his lips, and he laid his hand on his forehead.
“You’re so persistent,” he spoke, and it didn’t sound as demeaning as Pomni had suspected it could. Instead, it sounded almost… endeared. “Guess you’re right… it makes us humans — us all. Sometimes I wish I could undo it all. Could turn back the time, and just… never do any of what I’ve done. But that’s not possible, so there’s no use to be sad about it I guess.”
Now, Pomni allowed her smile to break through the mask of her face. “You’ve matured.”
Scooting in closer she gently offered her arms to lay around Jax, and the rabbit leaned into it without hesitation.
“At what cost?” He threw her a thoughtful glance, almost saddened. “I matured, but I did that s[ ]it way too late for it to matter now.”
“I do think it still matters. You can reflect what you’ve done, and maybe use it to better your ways. Apologize. Do something that for once will benefit the others… and not yourself,” Pomni gently nudged with her words, “show them that underneath all these pixels and number a human remains.”
Jax didn’t answer her right away, and Pomni pressured on: “You know what the right thing to do is. You just don’t want to do it. For whatever reason. That’s… pretty much human too.” She shrugged gently. “But that doesn’t make it right in the long run.”
“No. It doesn’t.”
Her arms remained around him when he’d allowed her to stay, having her touch linger comfortable around his body, offering some sort of heat and connection to the real world, allowing him to remain grounded even through familiar feelings of wavering nausea, which came as quickly as it left — a circle Jax couldn’t quite break, but at the very least he wasn’t throwing up again.
Feeling his frame slowly, but surely sink into itself over the next couple of minutes Pomni grew aware that Jax most likely had fallen asleep again, tensed shoulders still holding his arms close to his chest, though at least he’d managed himself to calm down enough for sleep to set in.
Gently, Pomni managed to slip her lower body out underneath him, ensuring a few of the pillows making their ‘bed’ would assure the rabbit wouldn’t simply drop to the floor, and she found herself standing next to him soon after.
Her hands shook, not merely out of emotional toil, but also her own exhaustion.
At least she’d been getting a few more resting hours that’d felt so much more re-charging than any night in Jax’ room had.
Not due to him or the room itself, but the static and loaded atmosphere it encased, a lightning storm waiting to happen within the boundaries of a small area, four walls closing in on them.
It wouldn’t have even mattered how large his room actually was — it could’ve been as wide as the entire Circus — and the storm lingering inside would’ve still crushed her.
At least in here she had room to breathe, no matter how small the fort seemed to be compared to their personal rooms, and suddenly Pomni understood better than ever why Kinger chose to spend most of his time in here.
Allowing her heart to calm down from it’s familiar fast beat she took a deep breath, adjusting the shirt hugging her frame despite it’s size too large for her; the fabric digging into her neck and chest without ever touching it, making it seemingly harder to breathe every time her lips attempted to allow air to pass.
Slowly, her legs moved, eyes searching for the chess piece that must be working in here somewhere, invisible static running up and down Pomni’s skin.
She felt loaded, tensed, and not even the comfort she ought to experience in here seemed to alleviate her of said sensations.
She wanted to forgive, wanted for him to heal, but in a deep, hidden corner of her mind she felt little empathy — most of what he’d been experiencing was the result of his own actions, his own behavior. Avoiding the others, making everything worse for himself and the group. Now, he was reaping his rewards, and they weren’t rewards in the slightest.
God, why am I thinking such things?
She pressed one hand against her forehead, feeling a difference in temperatures between her skin, sighing deeply. It wasn’t a wrong thought to have, even if deep down it scared her to even consider something like that.
Pomni usually wasn’t the type of person to conclude such things, or even dare making these judgments about others.
With Jax it felt like she’d gained knowledge about him that One usually wouldn’t in such short time.
Years and years of friendship compressed into mere weeks — if time even mattered inside the Circus. It possibly wouldn’t.
All she knew was: They’d grown closer than anticipated, closer than either of them probably ever wanted to.
And yet, here they were. And it felt… right in it’s own way.
Unwanting to bother Kinger again — primarily to get some more sleep into her own system — Pomni carefully unwrapped her arms from Jax, laying down right next to him before dragging the blanket over their bodies once more.
Finally, some unbothered sleeping opportunities she’d so desperately sought after, and with that thought lingering in the back of her mind she went back to sleep.
A shriek somewhere off in the distance disturbed whatever was left of any probability for rest.
It’s primal echo lost itself in the darkness surrounding the sleeping Jester, who’s eyes remained closed just for a few more seconds, trying to remain in her current state, unwilling to wake up just now.
It’s merely been a few more hours of sleep they were able to get in, considering dusk had already approached when they’d seeked refuge within Kinger’s fort — so it came to little surprise she was woken up fairly quickly after falling back asleep, though Pomni had hoped for the opposite.
She blinked upwards, squinting her eyes in confusion as bright light shone right into her vision — and that’s when she was suddenly wide awake, jumping up to see that the fort was gone, and they had been teleported into the tent’s main area, right underneath all of it’s bright artificial lighting.
What? How? Why—
Her panicked gaze finally found it’s way to her side where Pomni had expected Jax to still remain, though he wasn’t there anymore.
Nor was there anything remaining from their makeshift bed, neither blankets nor pillows, and her clothes had changed back to the ones she’d usually worn — gone were shirt and shorts she’d borrowed from the rabbit, replaced by offensively bright polygon fabric.
Pomni’s hands grasped at it, trying to decipher whether or not this was a dream, with all doubts wiped in a second when she made eye contact with another person next to her who looked nothing short of terrified, staring right back at her.
“Pomni?” Zooble’s voice came first, shaking ever so slightly just in that singular word spoken, something the Jester had never before heard from them, not even when Jax had attacked in the hallway.
She felt unable to breathe, unable to speak. Quivering lips finally parting, Pomni managed to bring forth a feeble: “Y—yeah?”
“Where is Jax?”
Of course they’d be asking just that.
It was then that realization finally settled in entirely.
She was by herself, without Jax to be seen anywhere, and the Jester had no clue if he’d taken off on his own or was taken somewhere else.
Whatever the case, no option she could think of right now seemed correct.
“I have no idea— we were— we were in Kinger’s fort, but… I got teleported—... you too?”
“We all got teleported,” Zooble spoke, and their words cast onsetting dread into Pomni’s mind. “That’s why I’m asking you where Jax went.”
“I have no idea.” Pomni’s voice was barely above a whisper, realization replacing the knot inside her chest. If he’d been teleported out of the fort with her, he must’ve seen the lights. “F[ ]ck. Zooble, please tell me the others aren’t still here?”
“Unfortunately, they are. They’re on the couches,” the toybox replied, their head snapping to look back at them.
In her sleepy haze Pomni could barely make their shapes out except for the colorful couches Ragatha and Gangle were sat on, and rubbed her eyes quickly for a proper vision.
“This has to be Caine’s work then,” she figured, exhaling sharply.
“Yeah. He’s— weirdly approachable today,” Zooble spoke, tone of their voice displaying urgency. “I have no clue why he suddenly teleported us unless it’s for a new adventure of his. We’re still waiting for his announcement.”
“That’s irrelevant,” Pomni interjected, feeling bad for interrupting them with such vigor. “We need to find Jax. If he was brought into the light it could trigger another episode—…”
Or Abstraction.
Neither option was particularly pleasant, and Pomni couldn’t risk him going haywire again, potentially attacking any of the other.
She felt some sense of security with Zooble’s calm demeanor, though even their eyes couldn’t hide their true emotions towards the entire scene — deep down, they were just as scared as the Jester frantically searching for a plan to work through.
If Jax was truly out there they didn’t have much time.
Nor much resources to work with, and she couldn’t risk the group getting tossed into an adventure with him — not now.
Everything seemed to crumble, carefully placed structures giving in underneath pressure too heavy, and Pomni took a deep breath with closed eyes.
Calm down.
A thought crossed her mind, and she looked back up at Zooble, the toybox character appearing like a rock amidst crashing waves now, something to hold onto when anxiety flooded her veins.
Pomni had never been more glad to have them around, with the exception of the hallway attack — and that’s the energy she needed from them once more.
“Can you get your shotgun?” A question she didn’t want to ask, but had to.
Any means of defense were considerable means, and the last thing Pomni wanted was to face whatever might come out of the shadows without some sort of weapon.
She wasn’t even sure if the shotgun could hurt said ‘whatever’, though it was worth a shot. A faint nod moved Zooble’s antenna, and they pointed over their shoulder towards the hallway.
“Yeah, it’s in my room. I can go grab it if you say we need it.” Wasting no time, they got to walking towards the staircase as quickly as they could with their mismatched limbs.
“We will need it eventually, as much as I hope we won’t. Be careful,” Pomni called out after Zooble taking off. “I have no clue where he went to when we got teleported, I wasn’t awake.”
“I will be careful, don’t worry. Warn the others,” Zooble replied, taking the Jester’s urgency serious. “Tell them to clear the area. And wait for me before you go look on your own.”
“I will.” Ragged breaths came from trembling lips as she gathered her remaining courage — and strength, before setting off towards the common area. “Thanks.”
She didn’t get a reply, Zooble already too far away to even hear her quietly spoken thanks — and Pomni didn’t waste and time thinking about it for now.
It appeared like no one but her seemingly had heard the scream that’d waken her up initially, and for a brief second Pomni questioned her own mind and senses.
She had no plans to pursue Jax on her own, if he was to give into another one of these seemingly mindless episodes.
Not just for her own safety, but the knowledge that it’d be hard to ever get that image out from her memories for a long time.
Approaching the shared sitting area Ragatha was the first to take notice of Pomni running towards her and Gangle, and waved her over with a kind of cluelessness that didn't seem very appropriate at that moment.
But Pomni couldn't really blame her for that — how could she be in the know about what might happen?
“Good morning! You look quite surprised.”
Only when Pomni got close enough to see her face did Ragatha realize that something was wrong, and her demeanor seemed to switch within a few seconds.
“Everything okay? You look shaken up. Did Caine’s teleport scare you?” She asked, leaning forward with worry across her face.
“Yes. And No. You need to find some sort of… shelter or something, somewhere safe,” Pomni explained, gasping for air inbetween words. Being rudely awoken and sent into an emotional spiral without any time for preparation had messed with her stamina quite a lot. “S[ ]it might be about to go down.”
Furrowed brows above a worried eye were Ragatha’s initial reaction as she lifted the skirt of her dress to get up from the sofa, extending one hand to reach out for Gangle, who took it without question as the Ragdoll raised her voice once more: “Jax?”
Pomni gave her question a small nod, unable to explain more right now. “Jax.”
“Oh dear. Alright. We’ll get somewhere safe.” Looking at Gangle the ragdoll nodded towards her before her gaze switched back to Pomni. “What about you, though? Are you… coming with us?”
“No. I have to try and prevent the worst,” the Jester spoke, looking around as she did.
Tragedy could linger around any corner, and her mind run laps around itself in utter panic she suppressed for the sake of keeping the others calm for now.
“Zooble’s grabbing their shotgun just in case. There’s not a whole lot of time. You two better get somewhere outside, I doubt he will be coming after you there.”
She could clearly see Ragatha’s hesitation in the way she lingered for too long, eyes searching across Pomni’s face and then looking back further into the tent. “Pomni, are you sure you can handle this alone? Shouldn’t this be the moment where we involve… Caine?”
Just the mere mention of the AI’s name made her blood run cold.
Despite having teleported the troupe he was nowhere to be seen, making himself sparse for some odd reason.
She didn’t care — whatever Caine had planned, it didn’t matter right now. She had to get everyone out and just pray that everything would fall into place.
“I won’t be alone,” the Jester pushed back, reiterating her previous argument. “Please, Ragatha. I need all of you to leave the tent. Even if— nothing happens, I don’t want anyone to get in the crossfire in case this turns ugly, I really don’t. That’s not a responsibility I want to carry.”
Despite her attempts at some reassuring words she could still see that certain hesitation on Ragatha's face — uncertainty as to whether she could really leave Pomni here all alone.
Then, a sigh released all tension from the doll’s face and frame, and she nodded.
“Alright. We will go. Please— try to stay safe.”
“I’ll do my best,” Pomni gave in return.
Not quite a promise, but not a lie either.
She valued her life, and she wasn’t about to let herself get glitched out or give into a worse fate.
No. If the Circus wanted to take her, it had to fight.
“I’ll let you know when it’s safe to return.”
Her gaze followed the two as they left the tent, their steps hurried and careful to make as little noise as possible, desperate to avoid being detected by the still invisible danger.
And that’s when the scream appeared again, echo racing throughout the lower hallways and crawling ever closer.
This time she immediately knew it wasn’t a part of her imagination.
{ ART TIME YEEHAW }
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