Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

https://open.spotify.com/track/4AwUc1mdlX4ARHkUNG0iho?si=6f017983fde74e4f

Sad song era, people, here's a refresh!💔

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1XcCiSEzxbdf7FXTRClSm3?si=HfIVUiRaRgGQxVqoMzhdOg

This is my playlist I listened to when I made this, the P1hamrony is near the bottom, keep in mind I made this playlist a bit ago, before I started writing, so the stuff near the bottom is what I'm listening to currently!!!❤️❤️♎

https://open.spotify.com/album/4v9IBMLeDDviC5A4UGA4p6?si=xqZ2doFtSmON04_IUbcRxQ

THE NEW SKZ ALBUM, KARMA!!! Please listen, and learn the dance, just did and it's so FUNNNNNN🥟🦦🧋🐶🐺🦊🐿️🐰🐷

I spin, placing my arms in the correct position near my waist and head and throw my whole weight into it. We have less then a second to spin before coming back around again, and I keep trying to go faster, placing my left foot behind me, using it to move me, then jumping back into the position again, and while it's not hard, it's a bit tricky to keep my bearings and place, but I keep practicing.

The others lean against the wall or mirror, while our leader and main vocalist lay on the floor, both fighting for breath. 

I'll join them, as soon as I get this spin down. 

I settle myself, doing a few seconds of the choreo and then jumping into the move.

I do something wrong though.

My foot crumbles, my left knee cracking against the floor sickeningly, my right following with a slightly less loud thud. 

I catch myself on my elbows, excruciating pain flaring through my legs. I can feel the bruises forming on my knees, and my ankle... I choke back a cry as I can't move it for second.

"Jeongseob!" Keeho cries as he springs up to him. Shota is already there, a hand braced on his lower back in concern. I gaze up at his tense face, my mind blank. 

I'm fine. Absolutely fine. In a second the pain will fade, I'll stand, joke with Jiung about being dramatic, wave off Keeho's motherly advances, hug Shota, and tease Intak and Taeyang for not rushing to my side immediately. I'll be fine.

Tears of agony rush to my eyes, and I blink them away. Intak hovers over Keeho's shoulder, and Taeyang grabs water, and Jiung an ice pack.

Shota Is saying something, and I register the panic in his and Keeho's eyes. Hell, all their eyes. And it's not just for me.

I realize. Our next comeback is in a month and a half, and this is our last choreo we're learning. Not to mention endurance training and dance practice and filming. And the photo shoots we're taking in a week. I can't be injured, not right now.

I need to have both my feet available to me, full motion to get through this era. I can't disappoint P1ece, or my members. 

Without realizing, my features smooth out, and the almost tears dry. On mild adrenaline I straighten my legs, fighting the battle to cry out and beg for Shota to help me to the dorms. I manage a teasing expression, and direct it at Keeho.

"I told you that you're mother at heart." His face turns shocked, uncertainty and relief peeking out.

"You don't need to swarm so close, I can't breath, give me some air guys." My 'guys' has a little lisp, and I have been working on my English, with Keeho helping me, but in my state of shock and pain it comes back.

"So you're okay? Does your leg hurt? let me see." 

Panic flares as he leans down, but I calm myself, subtly adjusting it in a more normal, loose manner. It hurts like hell, but I ignore it, and Jiung comes back with the manager and an ice pack, and Taeyang hands me a water bottle, which I open as Keeho wraps his hands around my ankle. At first he's gentle, but then he turns it, and fuck does it hurt. I almost choke on the water, inhaling quickly to mask my discomfort. Keeho sideyes me, but doesn't comment, which I thank God for. Our manager, Min Hae, leans close and asks Keeho if we need to go to the hospital. 

Everyone is in my space, my ankle hurts, I can't breath, I'm the one on the floor, shouldn't Manager Hae ask me? I just want to go back to the room I share with Shota, Flop down on my bed,

actually,

Make that Shota's,

and cry a bit. Just a little. Then take a crap ton of Acetaminophen, and sleep this nightmare off. Keeho answers Manager Hae.

"No, Jongseob says he's okay, and there's no bruises, just some swelling, so I think he just landed funny, but it could worsen, so maybe practice should ease off for now? So he can heal and be ready for tomorrow." Manager mutters harshly and tugs out his phone.

"Schedule is ruined, all because a grown man couldn't keep his footing during practice. Ridiculous." He scoffs the last bit, and even Intak's eyes narrow at that.

"Alright, since practice is done, move on to recording, Taeyang and Keeho, you have to warm up a bit first and work on your parts, so head to Vocal first, and when you're done head straight there, understand? Jiung, you don't have any major vocals, so you can head there with Intak, do your raps and pre-chorus. Shota, I assume that you will take Jongseob to the dorms?"

Shota nods, the slight language barrier keeping him from replying. While he can understand almost perfectly, he's not yet confident in his ability to pronounce the words correctly, and when he tries without thinking, a mix of Korean with the odd word in Japanese comes out, not perfect, but we can understand him, and he learns new words everyday. I've even learned a bit of Japanese, just enough that when he's tired and can't think enough to use Korean, I have a rough understanding of what he says, though sometimes he does have to use the occasional Korean or English word. Keeho answers for him, much to his thanks.

"Soul can take him, rest for a bit, then if you need him he come up to recording?" Manager Hae glances at his phone before answering.

"No, he did his parts yesterday, and he doesn't have many lines anyway, so it was quick. I hear from your dance instructor that you're all doing well, so if you don't want to practice more, you don't need to. If you can work out later, that would be good, just don't strain anything, or the company will have my head. Just take him and go, the schedule is fucked with enough, the rest of dance practice can go into recording, now let's go, studio in ten." He turns and rushes out of the room, glaring at his screen.

Manager Hae is new, he's only been with us for a few weeks, doesn't yet know how to handle each of us, so he treats all of us the same. With blunt harshness bordering on abuse. A fine line, it is. He speaks a bit fast, so Shota struggles, but he can take it. Intak and Jiung swarm me, pulling me up without warning and talking at once.

"Jongseob, what was that, you scared the crap out of me you-

"I swear if you weren't my favourite I would-"

"I thought you had that part down, why were you trying it again, you clumsy-

"I love you but if you fall like that again I'm gonna cry-" 

I sigh, resting my weight on my right as Taeyang joins in.

"You guys! Damn, let me talk, would you? Are you my hyungs or my mothers?"

They edge back a little but stay close. Intak watches me with his puppy eyes, still worried, but Taeyang and Jiung are all laughs and teasing. Keeho is off on his phone, no doubt rearranging the schedule at Manager Hae's demands.

"Are you really okay, Seobie? You scared me, I thought something broke." The others somber at Intak's words. Shota squeezes closer to my side at those words, and I roll my eyes playfully.

"And yet I'm still here, if a little sore, ready to beat all your guy's butt's at this choreo." A loud chorus of groans rise up, Keeho smiling at that from across the room. 

My eyes catch on the clock, and I see that five minutes have past since Manager Hae has left.

"Guys, you have five minutes to get to the Studio and Vocals, I suggest ya'll get to it." I recently picked up the word from Keeho, who uses it a bit when talking to us as a group. He knows the most English, being fluent to the point where new fans compliment his Korean. And though he is fluent in Korean, not as much as me and the others, besides Shota, but he can switch between Korean and English very fast, and the company is considering a Konglish rap for our comeback.

Jiung, Intak and Taeyang leave with muttered get wells and a few back claps, while Keeho come up to me.

"Jongseob, be completely honest with me. Are you okay? Just know, we can push the comeback a few more weeks if you ever need it, okay? You're more important, more than P1ece, more than this company. To us, you being healthy and happy matter more, okay?" I feel my eyes smarting a bit at those words, but that's exactly what I don't want.

I grin gently at him. Usually he's not as mother like as he is right now, his normal is teasing and joking and making jokes in English we have to take a second to process before getting it. It's weird, is all.

"I'm fine, just startled. It does hurt a bit, but I'm sure I'll be good as new in the morning. Now go to vocal, or I'm telling Noona you don't like Vocal warm ups with her."

That does it, he groans and with a few more teasing remarks he runs out, booking to to the second floor. Shota, who has been silent this whole time, grabs my hand and pulls me to the elevator, thankfully not catching my small wince and stumble as I fight to get a somewhat less painful gait going.

"Jongseob, do you want to watch that drama we started? I wanted to..." He thinks for a second, and I wait patiently, finding it a bit adorable, if I'm being completely honest. He continues after a second, finding the word. "Continue where we left off, Episode four?" I laugh and nudge his slightly higher shoulder with my own.

"Yeah, we can. Do you also want to game? I want to show you the dirt beneath my shoe when I dominate you in League of Legends." 

He laughs excitedly and makes one of those noises he vocalizes when he gets overjoyed. Still haven't figured out what he's imitating.

"Hrrm! I practiced, and I beat Intak last time!" I scoff teasingly.

"Intak? Whatever, I beat him when I was basically still a trainee." We both crack up at that, fully aware that we weren't allowed vidoes games when we were trainees.⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️

By the time we finally make to our dorms I'm ready to cry from agony, my ankle screaming at me to sit, and it's this weird pain too, it makes me want to immediately sit down or limp, which sucks, because I can't, my brain is torn between giving in, and letting Shota see, letting him take care of me, but I can't, and it makes my brain feel weird, not safe, almost paranoid, I don't trust myself or Shota, because if I let my guard down, then he'll tell the others, and I refuse to ruin this era for them. I already hold them back, being the youngest, I will not take away the one thing we all can do together.

I hate myself.

It hurts.

Why does it have to be me?

Can I just, stop?

I was so fucking stupid, I should have taken a break.

I just had to be perfect, and now I'm anything but.

Just... Why?

Shota opens the door, and I make a beeline to the couch, gently falling down, hurting too much to plop.

Shota heads into the kitchen and grabs Samgak Kimbap for himself, then turns to where I'm sprawled on the couch.

"Jongseob, you want some food? We have some smoked chicken thigh, Intak got it for you yesterday, he heard you talking about it the other day."

While it is true that I was telling the guys that smoked chicken is superior, I didn't want any. I was on another diet, having reached my nightmare, 59 kilograms, which was 130 pounds. I had noticed my arms and stomach getting a little meh, and hated it. I wanted to go back to 56, so I cut back a little. One small meal a day, right before dance practice, so I wouldn't faint. Or faint as soon.

I slacked in the gym a bit, only really running for a bit before going to my vocal lessons, and now I regret it. But this diet had been going on for about a week, and I had dropped a pound, spending extra time in the gym and on my abdomen, and only felt mild light headed, and only experienced weird vision if I really pushed my body.

I shook my head at him, refusing the food. I had forgotten to eat today, but I sure as hell wouldn't eat now, not after cucking up. We had only danced for an hour before I got hurt, and I didn't burn nearly enough calories.

I shifted, and my foot cursed at me. I remembered the painkillers in the medicine cabinet, and eyed the hallway. About twenty steps to the bathroom, and I was not ready for the torture.

You did this to yourself.

Suck it up.

Deal with it.

Uninjured Jongseob would get up without complaints, don't you want to act normal?

It's only a few steps, you can't take it?

Do it for the members, the ones you are trying to sabotage.

You are a horrible member.

Can't even do one thing right, and now your complaining?

It's only a small sprain, man up. 

The thoughts swarm me, slowly building. And while I'm used to the mean thoughts, I don't expect them to be so... Strong. Very insistent.

I spring up, nearly gasping at the pain.

Painkillers, keep going. 

I chant this as I walk a few steps. Maybe it'll get better in the morning. 

Maybe.

Please.

When I reach the doorway to the bathroom, I grasp it in relief, calling back to Shota.

"I'm gonna use the bathroom, maybe shower, I have like, a bucket of sweat on me. You wanna get the drama on? I'll be out in ten." Shota lets out one of his sounds and heads from the kitchen to the couch, making a beeline for the remote.

I turn on the light and lock the door behind me, basically tearing open the cabinet and wrestling with the small white bottle before shaking out four and taking them dry. I don't care if the recommended dose is three, who's going to tell me no? Exactly.

To the reader, I don't really read notes, so I expect you to not really, please Sub and leave Kudos, and updates will be told about in the notes, so please go back and check, thank you! How to contact me is on my profile, please check that! ANYWAYSSS

I debate another one, but I like my liver, and put it in my pocket, giving it a new home in my room sounds like a great plan, actually. You are so smart, Jongseob. 

I strip and step into the shower, letting all my weight rest on my right. Once the bathroom is properly steamed I finally think.⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️

How the hell will I get through these next few weeks, when I can barely get to the bathroom without literally dying? I want to cut off my leg, bury it in a ditch one thousand miles away, and never dance again.

Wait...

Scratch that last one out.

I grab the soap and vigorously scrub, arms, torso, face, though I gentle when I reach my ankle. It feels tender when I only rub it lightly, and I feel a flash of fear at thinking about dance practice. I have to do all that... With a hurt ankle. I want to cry. But I only make the water hotter and put my face under.

Once I'm out, I dress in my baggiest pair of sweats to hide any limping, and an even baggier T-shirt. The painkillers starting to kick in, so I join Shota on the couch, where he greets me with a bowl of popcorn he dug up and a controller. After about an hour I'm falling asleep on his shoulder, barely paying attention to the game. Shota, the lovely person he is, notices and grabs the controller out of my hand, hauling me up.

"Come on, Akachan, it's time to sleep, and I know your foot hurts, so you have to rest it." I nod blearily, too tired to ask what the Japanese endearment means. He takes me to our room and tucks me into the bottom bunk, smooshing the pillows around my face and pulling them up to my chin. He seems to know that my leg feels hot, because he leaves my left one uncovered. I fall asleep to the sound of the shower down the hall, and a dull throb that I'm too exhausted to focus on.

Chapter Text

For Reference On MBTI Types:
E = Extroverted, I = Introverted
N = Intuitive, S = Observant
T = Thinking, F = Feeling
P = Perceiving, J = Judging

ENHYPEN members Oldest to Youngest, info+ 

Eldest- Heeseung! Youngest- Riki!

Keep in mind that Sunoo is a trans F-M character, and this fiction involves Gay Romance, Anxiety, Self Harm, Mental Abuse, Heartbreak, Homophobia from certain characters, side or other, and pariah points. If any of these make you uncomfortable, please do not continue. 

Still here? ...... Well, I did warn you, so have fun kids!

This story is based in 2025 following the recent concert in London, but I don't have much time, and won't be able to follow it accurately, but I will try my best! The pics are just ones I thought showed their difference in looks best, and (personally) thought was adorable, while you don't have to picture them as these pics as you read, this is how I will describe them, sue me, apologies to die-hard ENGENES, I love y'all, please enjoy! AND I CHANGED THE DORM SITUATIONS, because I don't think the old ones fit very well with what I was trying to set here. AND SUNOO'S HEIGHT, BECAUSE FEMALES STATISTICALLY AREN'T REALLY 5'10. Please ENJOY!!!!

Gender: Male

Stage Name: Heeseung (희승)
Birth Name: Lee Hee-seung (이희승)
English Name: Evan Lee
Position(s): Main Vocalist, Center
Birthday: October 15th, 2001
Zodiac Sign: Libra
Chinese Zodiac Sign: Snake
Height: 181.5 cm (5’11”)
Weight: 64 kg (141 lbs)
Blood Type: A
MBTI Type: ESTP / ISTP (previously ESTP -> ISTP -> ISFP -> INFJ -> INFP -> INTP)
Nationality: Korean
Representative Emoji:

Gender: Male

Stage Name: Jay (제이)
Birth Name: Jay Park
Korean Name: Park Jong-seong (박종성)
Position(s): N/A
Birthday: April 20th, 2002
Zodiac Sign: Taurus
Chinese Zodiac Sign: Horse
Height: 180 cm (5’11″)
Weight: 60 kg (132.3 lbs)
Blood Type: B
MBTI Type: ENTJ (previously INTP -> INFJ -> ENFJ -> ENTP -> ENFP -> INTP)
Nationality: Korean-American
Representative Emoji: 

Gender: Male

Stage Name: Jake (제이크)
Birth Name: Jake Sim (제이크 심)
Korean Name: Sim Jae-yun (심재윤)
Position(s): N/A
Birthday: November 15th, 2002
Zodiac Sign: Scorpio
Chinese Zodiac Sign: Horse
Height: 175 cm (5’9″)
Weight: N/A
Blood Type: O
MBTI Type: ISTJ (previously ISTJ -> ESTJ)
Nationality: Korean-Australian
Representative Emoji:🐶 

Gender: Male

Stage Name: Sunghoon (성훈)
Birth Name: Park Sung-hoon (박성훈)
Position(s): N/A
Birthday: December 8th, 2002
Zodiac Sign: Sagittarius
Chinese Zodiac Sign: Horse
Height: 180 cm (5’11″)
Weight: N/A
Blood Type: O
MBTI Type: ISTJ (previously ISTJ -> ISTP)
Nationality: Korean
Representative Emoji:🐧

Gender: Male

Dead Name: Kim Jiyoo

Stage Name: Sunoo (선우)
Birth Name: Kim Seon-woo (김선우)
English Name: William, Hunter, James *(rumored)
Position(s): N/A
Birthday: June 24th, 2003
Zodiac Sign: Cancer
Chinese Zodiac Sign: Goat
Height: 177 cm (5’10″) (⚠️⚠️In this fiction, his is 5'4"❤️⚠️⚠️)
Weight: N/A
Blood Type: O
MBTI Type: ENFP (Previous results were ESFJ -> ENFP -> ISTJ-A ->ENFP ->ESTJ)
Nationality: Korean
Representative Emoji:🦊 

Gender: Male

Stage Name: Jungwon (정원)
Birth Name: Yang Jung-won (양정원)
English Name: Johnny Yang
Position(s): Leader
Birthday: February 9th, 2004
Zodiac Sign: Aquarius
Chinese Zodiac Sign: Monkey
Height: 175 cm (5’9″)
Weight: N/A
Blood Type: AB
MBTI Type: ISTJ (previously ESTJ)
Nationality: Korean
Representative Emoji:🐱

Gender: Male

Stage Name: Ni-Ki (니키)
Birth Name: Nishimura Riki (西村 力)
Korean Name: Oh Cheol-soo (오철수)
Position(s): Main Dancer, Maknae
Birthday: December 9th, 2005
Zodiac Sign: Sagittarius
Chinese Zodiac Sign: Rooster
Height: 186 cm (6’1″)
Weight: 63 kg (138.8 lbs)
Blood Type: B
MBTI Type: INTJ (previously ENTJ -> ENTP-T -> ESFP -> ENTJ)
Nationality: Japanese
Representative Emoji:🐆/🐥

                                                                                                                .・゜-: ✧☾　☽✧ :-゜・.

I scrolled on his phone, looking at ENGENE's Instagram posts after our latest concert, which was in London. I had been wearing a unbuttoned suit jacket, sleeves rolled up to my elbows, with a black tank underneath. My binder had been safely wrapped under, more of a vest then a wrap, and it was the perfect size to hide under the tank, and same color so that if it slipped, it would be easy to explain. Then I scrolled on another short, on that showed when I slipped on water about halfway through the show. It slowed down, zooming in on my shoulder, where the strap slipped off my shoulder completely. 

I remembered that. I had almost hit my head, shifting so I landed on my right shoulder. Riki had helped me up, with a harmless joke about my clumsiness in front of ENGENE's, and I had straightened my outfit and continued. I hadn't known anyone had filmed that moment, much less examined it.

The headline screamed about a binder, and panic jolted through me.

What?

I click on the comments, and it was the usual mix of chaos. A lot were saying it was a back brace, while a lot agreed with the binder theory. Oh, god, what do I do? Maybe they'll blow over this, what will the company say, what if− What if my members see this? They know I wasn't wearing a back brace, if I had an injury they all would have been informed of my injury, to watch out for me of change bits of the choreo for me.

I put my phone down and tug my hoodie sleeves down to make sweater paws. The only time I go without a binder is when I have a tight tank top and a really baggy hoodie on, usually Riki's or one of the hyungs. Thankfully, I had a small chest, or I don't think I would have made it this far, five years as a male idol. I also have stuffed boxers, I usually wear them when I have to wear tight pants, or choreo that involves a lot of hip movements, or leg movements that made pants tighten and catch, and when Riki sleeps with me. Since the first time he slept with me, back when we first debuted, I made it very clear that touching my chest was off limits, waist and hips were to be handled carefully, and absolutely no smothering. He chalked it up to some past trauma, and through the weeks it slowly got spread to the other members that he didn't like to be touched in the upper chest area, and crotch. And they respected it.

It has been about ten years since I realized I wasn't a female.

Since I realized that tight, cute clothes and makeup and the stuff that just surrounded females in general was weird. 

My dysphoria was a more mild case, and with my members−who I consider my family−calling me by my name and gender, it helps so much. When I wear tight clothes, I get really paranoid, sad, uncomfortable in my skin and mind, and hate being touched, hate. I had a certain hoodie, very baggy, with thin shoulder pads, that I wore before shoots and concerts, it was black, and went to my knees.

It has saved my life too many times to count, when I had forgotten my backup binder after practice, or the one time I got my period early, and had no pad. I keep a menstrual cup, and even though it hurts and makes me feel like crap for the rest of the day, it's the most mess free option, with no evidence left.

All the members know it's my special item. Whenever I start to freak out, in any way, whether it's about my body, the situation, the people, anything, my members notice, especially Riki and Jungwon, they find my hoodie and basically shove it on me. 

It's sweet, that they notice when I have a reaction even if they just see it as a Sunoo quirk, something I just do, when really it's my dysphoria.

My phone buzzes, and I glance at it, ice sliding into my stomach when I see Manager Baek's name. I open the text thread.

Manager Baek: 

Sunoo, I've seen the videos, and am letting you know that we have taken care of it, no need to worry, if situation gets any worse, we will release a personal statement, but it seems to be handling itself, please do not stress. Unfortunately, due to unseen circumstances, we need to give you a new makeup artist and wardrobe stylist, if that's alright. They are both aware of your situation, and are under contract, so you have no worries. 

I sigh in relief, but even as the ice melts, I remember the members. Fortunately, I can't dwell on it long, because Jay yells something about dinner.

I stand and glance at the mirror. No clothes out of place, chest flat, hoodie loose and pants baggy. Good to go. I leave my room and walk down the hall to to kitchen, which is attached to the dining room.

Recently, we got an upgrade in dorms, instead of all of us in one room, two members get a room together, and three bathrooms to share, which is quite luxurious compared to our other dorm. the roommates are.⇩

Riki/Sunoo (Me!)

Jungwon/Jay

Sunghoon/Jake

Heeseung/It's really small!(ノT＿T)ノ ＾┻━┻ (⇐Him(◠‿◕) 

Heeseung is the only one who gets his own room, but it's really small, and it's only because he's the oldest, and he was a trainee longer then any of us. And he's whined about it the loudest.

Riki stumbles cutely out of Heeseung's room, blinking blearily at the bright light of the hall. I peek in and see Heeseung turning off the small tv they use for gaming. Me and Jungwon don't really game, prefering to nap, egg on others, or just cuddle while the others do.

Riki slings his arm over my shoulder, gently avoiding my chest, which I appreciate to no end. We all gather in the living room, waiting for Jay to call us to sit down, while Jungwon sets the table. Me and Riki tried to help once, I broke a plate, and Riki dropped the sheet pan with baked veggies, and we had to go to the convenience store for food. We haven't really been allowed in since then. 

Finally Jungwon waves us in, and we rush in like starved animals and take our seats. Riki takes a seat beside me, and gives me an extra breadstick even though I told him I'm trying to diet, he just stares at me with beseeching eyes, piling three on my plate, along with the pasta, and veggies. I sigh and get to nibbling.

When Riki gets like this, I just do it, because he gets a little possessive, and I don't want him so be all over me tonight, so I just ruffle his hair and eat enough to make a small difference.         

                                                                                                                    ✧･ﾟ:* *:･✧  

 Sorry it's a bit short, I really wanted to post it, and I won't just continue with P1Harmony, I will update this before all else, I will mark it so you know when I   started and stopped, please enjoy!!! Kudos and Comment a HEART pleaseeee (♡ω♡ ) ~♪ (ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻

               ⚠️⚠️Hi!!!! THIS IS WHERE I CONTINUE MY SHORT ASS CHAPTER, BECAUSE I WAS TOO WAGER TO GET IT OUT, BEAR WITH ME PEOPLE!!!⚠️⚠️

                                                                                                                    ✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧     

While I eat the vegetables, I only indulge in half a breadstick, and don't even think consider the pasta. Riki, the sweet thing, doesn't notice because I cut it up and mixed and cut up the contents of my plate. 

I'm on my way to rinse my dishes off when Jake brings up the concert.

"ENGENE's really liked the London concert, I've been seeing a lot videos and shorts on it, especially of Sunoo and Riki, which were adorable, you both are shipped like crazy."

My ears are red, along with my cheeks, at the mention of me and Riki. Not so much Riki⚊although yes⚊ as me and Riki that gets my blood and face hot. I continue scrubbing, panic and lust a confusing mix in my stomach.

"It's really cute, they seem to ship you and Sunoo the most, and I looked it up, ENGENE made little edits that showcase you two together. It's endearing."

Riki keeps eating, unfazed.

"They only ship us because we're the most different. Opposites attract, and look the most appealing together. Our facial features look the most striking together, along with height and clothing. They do the same with Jungwon and Jay hyung."

My heart shed a tear at the crassness of his words. He sees us as opposites? I frown at the dish I'm scrubbing. What does that even mean? He sleeps with me all the time, how can opposites sleep together? I tune back into the conversation.

"There was a really funny clip of Sunoo falling!" Jake laughs and continues to talk, but I'm frozen in my seat. What? So soon? They've seen it so soon? I glance at the dining table, scanning their faces for any signs they know something else. I don't see any, but I do see Riki on his phone, scrolling aimlessly. At least, I think so, until he flips his phone to the others and says, "look, I found it." They all crowd around and gaze at the screen with varying looks of amusement and fondness.

I can hear the backround music, acompanied by the extra sound the ENGENE added to make it more cute. I step to the side to get a better look. They even zoom in on my upper body to capture my expression better. 

In the video, I slip on some water Heeseung had splashed at the fans, and my eyes go wide and mouth turns into a small O of surprise as I land on my back. the camera zooms in on Riki as he turns and laughs, basically picking me up with both hands on my waist. He lets go, but leaves one hand resting on my elbow to make sure I wouldn't fall again, which got the fans screaming again. 

"Y'know, it does kinda look like you're a couple." Sunghoon comments, which sets off everyone.

"Yah, we do not!" Protests Riki, while Jay justs laughs into his bowl. Jungwon leans forward and turns the device off with a flick of his finger.

"Riki, just admit it, you both look adorable together, even if you're not dating. Even ENGENE sees it, why else would they put you with Sunoo and not Jake?"

"Hey!" He interjects with a pout. Jungwon rolls his eyes and continues.

"You know what I mean. You look pleasing together. I say play it up. Ask the stylists to put you both in matching clothes, thougth don't make it too obvious. Just a matching pattern here, or similar shade of jewellery, or same item of clothing worn differently. It would look cute, and complement the group."

Riki looks vaguely uncomfortable.

"I don't know, hyung. What if ENGENE takes it too far?" Jungwon scoffs.

"That doesn't matter, they always ask if you're dating anyway. Different circumstance, same answer. No."

Riki turns to me, where even I forgot I was until a few moments before.

"What do you think about this, hyung? Should we do it?" Why is he asking me? I can barely think, relief and anxiety coursing through me, relief that they didn't notice anything unusual. But now that I think about it... To dress as Riki's, to be considered Riki's... Even if it's fake, is sounds wonderful. I shrug, the lightness I feel at this idea keeping to itself in my mind.

"Do what you want, it's fine with me, as long as Riki's solo fandom doesn't come for me, I'm good." I walk back to the sink and wash my hands, drying them quickly. I address the table as I disappear down the hall, the hyungs and Riki staying at the table and chatting. I duck into the bathroom and close it behind me, opening my little cabinet that I made the others swear not to touch. I pull out one of the three changes of clothes I packed in there, along with period supplies I hid in a box of condoms. I gave the condoms to Riki when I bought it, making him flush a pretty red and develop a stutter in Korean and Japanese. It was endearing, and made me want to do it again, just to see the way he swallowed, cheeks and nose a charming blush. I pull out a black shirt that went to my lower thighs, and padded boxers the same color. I kept at least three different shirts of Riki's, along with three pant, one boxer, and three hoodies. If he knew, he didn't care, which was fine with me. And if I switched out said stolen clothes for fresh, Riki smelling clothes every three weeks or so, who was gonna tell on me? Exactly.

I place the outfit on the counter and strip, taking off the hoodie with care, since it was still clean, and shedding the rest of my clothes. I had already covered the mirror with a hand cloth, so I didn't risk seeing my body. 

The round, soft hips, small, perky chest... I hated it. More than anything in the world. It made bile rise in my throat, my skin crawl, and my head started being mean to me. Everything that had to do with my body, I didn't want it. 

Sex, one may want to know about. And I have seen the dirtier shorts, with the hard to read English and pictures or clips of me in awkward, sexual positions. The ones that ask about what my type is, who I would likely date in the idol world, my sexual perferences. And the truth was, I was basically a virgin. When I was 14 I had sex with a 16 year old boy, who was clumsy, rushed, and came too quickly, not even bothering to make it good for me or try to get me off afterward. It had been at my parents insistence, that I try dating men in the female sense, and it just solidified my reasoning. Sure, I masturbated, usually Anal, but sometimes I used my other part, but only if it had been a really good day, and I was completely sure that it wouldn't make me feel weird afterward. I had dildos and vibrators of varying sizes, with that the very sure sense of knowing how to get myself off with max pleasure and speed. I knew my body better then anyone, and no one could compare, so why even try? Plus, being an idol, even if my partners signed a contract specifically detailing not to tell anyone about my gender, it still wouldn't be ideal, and way too risky. Just the idea of a stranger touching me like that... I'd rather live without a man's touch forever then risk losing my members, and that is that.

Still, I do think about it in the shower.

I don't think, just grab a medium dildo from my small stash under the sink, next to the condom box, and grab a the small bottle of lube. I turn on the shower hot, but angle it away from me while I prep. Crouching, I lean over and set aside my toys. I squirt a small amount onto my fingers, then lower to my cheeks. The first touch, and I want to moan. I hadn't touched myself in...Gods, weeks? The comeback had kept me busy, and the concerts and practicing... I had to time for a proper libido, so I was more then ready for this.

I slide in a finger and start a tiny in and out motion. Steeling myself, I take a breath and gently start rubbing my clit, which I mentally refer to as my cock, small as it is. After a bit I can't take it and reach for the small vibrator I brought with me, replacing my finger with it's tip. Grinding it gently, and adding a second finger to my hole. I start pumping my hand into me faster, chasing my release.

It feels so good, I can feel my cheeks flushing, and a moan rises out of me, echoing in the stall. I bite my lip, trying to muffle my whimpers as I start clenching around myself, the hand with the vibrator getting jerky. Another small moan falls from between my teeth, and I gasp into it, inserting my ring finger along with my index and middle. The lube makes loud, squelching sounds as it's pounded in and out of me, and the urge to actually take a cock into me, not through my hole, gets increasingly strong.

I wonder... If I had to have a male in here, who would it be? I imagine a fit abdomen, lean hips and a light happy trail disappearing into black joggers. Strong, long arms that wrap around me and take over for my hand. A thing gold chain under the pale skin of a throat, accenting a slight Adams apple. Blonde hair draped over slightly darker brows, dark brown roots. Pretty brown eyes gazing at me, heart shaped lips pulled into a wolfish grin.

Riki stares back at me, his hands covering mine. Then I cum so hard, I think I broke my libido. A loud whimper rips from my chest, and I collapse against the wall, my hands desperate to ride me through my orgasm. Tiny moans and shivers rack my body, until I finally calm down enough to rinse myself off, finally sated. 

                                                                                                                .・゜-: ✧☾　☽✧ :-゜・.

He leans his head against the wall of the closet, too tired to look for clothes properly. What was Jungwon going on about, making him and Sunoo dress like a couple? He can't even think about the consequences if it got out of hand. The hate now was enough as it is, he didn't need accusations of cheating, or using, or forcing Sunoo to do anything. He can't take it... He's so close to breaking, the only reason no scars litter his body, or he's not dead, is because of Sunoo. When shit was at it's worst, when it seemed like all he got was hate for acting his age, he could slip into bed with him, force Sunoo to be his little spoon, and if he cried a little some nights, it's no ones business but his if Sunoo clung to him extra tightly or not. 

When he was seventeen, and it seemed like the hate would never end, Sunoo caught him standing in front of an open window, twelve floors from the ground. They were at a hotel after a concert, and there had been a few signs that pointed out his weight, his accent, his skin palor. It seemed like that everywhere he turned, he was surrounded by hate. He couldn't go on social media without wanting to take a blade to his skin. And Sunoo had cried. Big, shiny tears that he had wiped away, even as some fell down his own cheeks. Sunoo had walked over, slammed the window shut, and crawled into his lap from where he sat.

"Never do that again, okay? I love you too much. Promise you won't ever, no hurting yourself, or k⚊killing yourself."

He broke into sobs and buried his face into his shoulder. He looked down in surprise. He had known Sunoo cared, but this much... He wrapped his arms around Sunoo and held him, sobbing with him at what could have happened had he been a few minutes later.

That had been a turning point for him. He worked on skin care, stayed out of the sun to stay pale, worked out mercilessly on his abs and arms, until he could pick up Sunoo easily and maneuver him into whatever position he needed when they slept. And he dieted. Sometimes to the point where he could barely get out of bed, he would always pull him back from the brink with tears and warm food and tea. Sunoo was his own little guardian angel, and he would protect him with all he had until he couldn't. He grabbed a grey shirt and boxers, snatching the first towel he saw that he vaguely remembered cleaning in the past week, and went to the bathroom he and Sunoo shared. He reached for the door knob just as a moan echoed throughout the bathroom. He froze, his breath stalling in his lungs. Sunoo was still in there... Right? He inhales steadily and slowly retraces his steps to his room. He can shower later. A very cold shower.