Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Alex doesn’t know how he got here. A few minutes ago, he was saying goodnight to his coworkers and paying his tab at the bar. Now, there is a beautiful blond haired man pressing him against a wall and kissing him senseless.

He can’t focus. The man’s lips are so soft and plush against his, one of his hands is tugging the hair at the nape of Alex’s neck and it’s making Alex’s brain short circuit. The man’s other hand is on his waist, teasing at the hem of his shirt. When his fingertips touch the sensitive skin on Alex’s hip, Alex can’t help but shiver. It feels like his skin is on fire and he doesn’t know how to process. 

As the man’s tongue dances with Alex’s, Alex can’t stop his reaction. A soft moan slips out of his lips as the man’s fingers brush across his abdomen, and his breathing speeds up when  his other hand hooks onto the waistband of Alex’s pants, pulling his body closer.

Alex doesn’t know what to do with his hands. He feels like he’s been frozen in place for the past few minutes, unable to move anything but his lips.

The thing is… Alex has never been kissed by a man before. He’s also never been kissed like this before, this passionately, with so much fire and electricity sizzling between them.

They barely even spoke, only exchanged some smiles and glances earlier in the evening. He doesn’t know the man’s name, but when the man pulls back to catch his breath, Alex struggles to get air back into his lungs.

”Do you want to get out of here?” The blond murmurs into Alex’s ear as he leans back in and places a kiss on Alex’s neck.

Alex tries not to panic. If this were a woman he met and kissing her felt like this, he wouldn’t think twice. If they were both sober enough and she asked, he would have escorted her out the door and back to his place (or hers) without another thought. 

But Alex is straight. Or at least he always thought he was. He’s never thought about kissing a man before, never thought about going home with one or what that might entail. He has zero experience in that area, and suddenly he feels like he’s in way over his head. 

Thankfully, the alcohol flowing through his bloodstream is only powerful enough to relax him and make him feel good, but not enough to cause him to make possibly bad decisions.

Alex starts to pull away, making some space between him and the blond. “I shouldn’t” Alex mumbles as he shakes his head, the expectant look on the man’s face quickly fades at his words.

He can’t help himself though, seeing the look on the man’s face does something to him, and Alex leans back in for another kiss. Any sadness or disappointment the blond may have been feeling does not show in his kisses, which are just as intense and all encompassing as previously. 

“Are you sure?” The blond asks as he breaks away a few minutes later.

”Yeah” Alex sighs. “I should go.” He says sadly.

The other man nods in agreement, and Alex untangles himself fully from the man’s arms. He smiles softly, whispering “goodnight” as he turns and walks toward the exit.

The cold air on the street is a much needed wake up, snapping Alex out of the trance he’s been in. As he looks at his phone, he realizes it has been almost an hour since he was getting ready to leave the bar.

”What the fuck? What the fuck?” He huffs under his breath. He wants to yell at the top of his lungs, but there are people standing outside, and even though this is New York, he doesn’t want to draw anyone’s attention.

He decides to skip the subway and walk home, needing the cold air and time to try to process what the fuck just happened.

As Alex walks into his new therapist’s office, he looks around the room, eying the couch carefully. “So, do I lay down or how does this work?” He’s never been to therapy before and doesn’t know the custom, and he’s also a little nervous.

Bea laughs. “I am not a psychiatrist and this isn’t 1960s television. Just make yourself comfortable” she explains. 

Alex eventually selects a seat on the end of the couch and takes it all in. This wasn’t his idea, he’s not completely sure why he’s here or how this person could possibly help him. But after a polite intervention from his sister June and best friend Nora, he agreed to try it.

Bea had come recommended by a friend of Nora’s, who had been seeing her for the past year and raved about how much she had helped her get her life together. It wasn’t that Alex’s life wasn’t… together, but he just had a lot going on lately.

”I just feel like I’m overwhelmed all the time.” Alex explains a few minutes into their conversation. “My brain is always running a thousand miles a minute, I’m always trying to do a hundred different things at once.”

Bea nods as Alex continues to tell her about himself. “I was valedictorian of my high school class, I had an almost perfect GPA throughout college and law school.”

”Have you always felt like this or is this a new feeling for you?” Bea asks.

”A little bit yes, but a lot of it is new.” Alex admits. “Or maybe just different.”

Bea asks some additional questions and Alex tries to answer as honestly as possible. He tells her about June and Nora’s insistence about speaking to her and admits that he’s skeptical that anyone can help him. 

“I appreciate your honesty, and I will try my best.” Bea tries to reassure him. “I obviously cannot guarantee anything, but your willingness to be here and talk to me is a big step.” 

Alex nods along. “I want to ask something, but I don’t want to upset you.” She pauses and waits for his acknowledgement before cautiously asking “have you ever been evaluated for ADHD?”

She can tell by the look on Alex’s face that the gears are turning for him. “No” he admits quietly. She clearly struck a nerve.

”Would you be open to it? I can refer you to a doctor who specializes in this type of condition. I think speaking to him might be helpful.” She knows this is a sensitive subject, but even in the few minutes she’s spent with Alex, she can see the characteristics, both in his words and behavior.

She can see the hesitation on his face. “I won’t force you in any way, but please think about it.”

After a moment of pondering, he agrees.

Bea continues moving on, refocusing the conversation on areas where she can help. ”You mentioned that some of your feelings of being overwhelmed are new or different. Can you give me an example? Perhaps we can talk through them a bit.” 

“I’m 27 years old and up until a few days ago, I thought I was straight.” He admits with a sigh. “I guess I never really thought about it to be honest. I always liked women, dated women. I never considered anything different.”

Bea doesn’t even have to ask the question, Alex can see it on her face. “Last week, I saw this guy at a bar. He was fucking gorgeous. Blond hair, piercing blue eyes, chiseled jaw. I couldn’t stop staring at him. God, he looked like a Disney Prince or something, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a man that pretty in my life.”

Bea smiles at the description and the passion in his voice as he tells her the story.

”We didn’t even talk. I don’t know how we got there, but somehow we ended up in a dark corner of the bar, kissing.” Alex tries to keep his voice calm as he continues. “I swear I’ve never experienced anything hotter in my life. God, his lips, his tongue, his hands.” He’s getting more animated as he continues. “He grabbed my hair in a way that made me understand the difference between rugby and football.”

Alex sighs as he remembers it. “He asked me to go home with him, but I said no. I don’t even get his name but I can’t stop thinking about him. So yeah, clearly not straight. Having a minor sexuality crisis on top of everything else.” Alex laughs at his own words.

“How are you feeling about it now? Do you regret turning him down?”

“Yes and no. I wish I knew how to find him again. But also, I think I needed to have a meltdown about it first. I wasn’t ready for anything more than what happened at the time.” Alex muses. It was a question he had pondered himself more than once recently.

“That’s good to hear.” Bea replies. “Things can go so horribly wrong in those situations when you are still figuring things out, and bad experiences that early can cause some lasting trauma.” She sighs. “I know this is easier said than done sometimes, but just don’t rush it, ok? It’s taken you this long to figure this out. You don’t need to jump into the deep end right away.”

In their session a few weeks later, Alex excitedly shares an update. “I met that guy again. The one that caused my bisexual awakening.” That’s what he’s started to call it. Or maybe Nora started it? Either way, it doesn’t matter. The reference stuck. 

Bea laughs. “Prince Charming? Did you talk to him?” She couldn’t help remembering Alex’s description of him, that he looked like a prince. The nickname seemed appropriate.

“Uh, well, mouths were involved” Alex teases. “But I can’t say there was a lot of talking.”

She tries to smile but can feel the blush creeping up on her cheeks as she digests his words. “How are you feeling about that?”

“Still processing. But it was really good.” She’s happy for Alex. She can see a twinkle in his eye that wasn’t there when they first met.

“Good, I’m glad to hear it.” Bea confirms. “And I do not want to lecture, but I feel obligated to remind you that just because sex between two men cannot result in pregnancy, you still need to use protection, and you should be getting tested regularly. Unfortunately, STIs are just as prevalent in the LGBT community.”

“Oh, he’s really good about that, don’t worry.” Alex admits as he thinks back to their recent encounters. Without him asking or even saying anything, Henry always insisted they used condoms for blowjobs. Alex knows it’s safer that way, he remembers the PowerPoint presentation his mother gave him in high school, but part of him really wants to know what Henry tastes like.

”Will you see him again?”

”Yeah, I think so. We actually exchanged numbers this time and have been texting a little.” Alex had been nervous about it. He didn’t want to come on too strong, like he usually does, so he is trying to let Henry take the lead.

As for Bea, she has learned a lot about Alex over the past few weeks. He’s smart, he’s successful, he’s driven, he’s passionate. But he’s also incredibly intense at times and even he admits that he can be “a lot”.

She also sees a sweet and sensitive side to him, and maybe a bit naive. He truly seems like a good person, he’s sincere and thoughtful, and there’s something about him that makes her want to protect him a little more than usual.

“So how are things?” Bea asks. “Any more about Prince Charming? Or any other guys for that matter?” Even though she has told Alex not to rush into anything, she knew he wasn’t going to listen to her.

Alex grins. “Same guy. I guess you could say we are seeing each other? It’s not really official or anything, we haven’t talked about it, but we’ve been hanging out.” He doesn’t really know how to classify it, but they’ve been text flirting a lot lately and have gotten together a few times in the past weeks.

“That’s great. Tell me more.” Bea says enthusiastically.

“He’s sweet. He’s been really caring and patient with me.” Alex explains. “He kinda figured out I was new to this before I had the guts to tell him, but he’s ok with it.”

Bea smiles, comforted by Alex’s words.

“I don’t know how I ever thought I was straight” Alex muses the following week. “Seriously, the sex is just fucking mindblowing. And the things he can do with his mouth…”

Bea can feel the blush creeping up on her face as she giggles. “Normally I would ask you to tell me more, but I don’t think I need to know.”

”It’s just so much different” Alex continues excitedly. “I don’t know if it’s just him or men in general, but holy fuck. I’m kind of obsessed.”

Bea doesn’t necessarily want the specifics, but wants to better understand Alex’s perspective. “What’s different about it?”

“The dynamic, the intensity, the feeling. Everything. All the women I’ve been with were smaller than me, curvy and soft. He’s the complete opposite, the same height as me, amazing body, fit and muscular, broad shoulders, long legs, slim waist and a perfect shoulder-to-waist ratio. He’s so fucking hot.”

Bea nods along at his words, trying to hide her smile. “But it’s more than that. He’s kind of bossy and aggressive and likes to lead. I’ve never…” Alex cuts himself off, realizing he might be oversharing just a little. “Sorry” he murmurs as he tries to correct himself. “We just seem really compatible." 

“It’s ok, even if a little TMI. I’m glad things are going well.”

“There is something though.” Alex admits the next time they talk. It’s been a few weeks now, and there are some little things that are starting to bother Alex. Every time they’ve seen each other, they have either met up at a bar and gone back to Alex’s place, or most recently, skipped the bar completely and Henry just came over to Alex’s. “Is it weird that he hasn’t invited me back to his place? He’s been to mine a few times.”

Alex has tried his best not to read too much into it. He didn’t want to tell Nora and have her try to analyze it, he knows she would come back with some crazy statistics about the possibility that Henry has a secret wife and family, or a meth lab in his basement.

“I’m trying not to overthink it. Like, he’s not a serial killer or something with a shrine of body parts in his house, right? He’s not trying to hide something from me?” Bea can’t help but laugh.

”That’s highly unlikely.” She replies with a smile. “It’s not necessarily odd that he hasn’t invited you to his place. This is New York, maybe his apartment is small or messy or he’s embarrassed by it. Perhaps he has a roommate that he doesn’t want to disturb?”

”Or a secret wife” Alex adds. “Maybe he says he’s gay as a cover” he laughs.

“Doubtful” Bea snickers. “Personally, I share a place with my brother. I would feel bad for anyone who came home with me because I know he would grill them.” She muses.

When the siblings decided to both settle in New York City three years earlier, they opted to buy a place together. The inheritance left to them by their father more than covered the cost, and the place that Bea found was lovely and plenty big for both of them, and any guests they may want to entertain.

“Does he ever bring people home? Would you give them the same grilling?” She knows Alex is just teasing, having a laugh at her expense.

“Oh, I totally would just for fun” Bea says with a smile. “But he’s not really the type. He’s a bit promiscuous, and prefers to keep his activities away from his sister’s prying and judgmental eyes.” Bea is a little embarrassed to admit it, but it’s true. She knows how Henry is, she likes to tease him about it from time to time, but he much prefers that his personal space remain his own. He has never brought anyone home in the time they’ve been living together, even though Bea has assured him many times that he is welcome to.

“Ok fair, but we’ve been hanging out for awhile already.” Alex points out. “What if your brother was dating someone? He won’t even bring them home?” Alex asks, trying to compare to his own situation.

”He doesn’t believe in relationships" Bea admits, but when she sees Alex’s confused expression, his head cocked to one side and eyes squinting at her, she knows she needs to explain. “We both have some family trauma. I dealt with mine by becoming a therapist and helping others” she says, gesturing to Alex. “He deals with his by avoiding commitment. Don’t worry, his therapist feels the same way about it that you do.” She jokes before Alex has the opportunity to even comment.

“Anyway, back to you. Have you asked him about it?” Bea inquires. “You previously joked about not talking much, but has that changed? Has he shared anything about himself or his living arrangements? Something that might explain why all your time together is spent at your place?”

Alex has to think about it for a moment. Yes, they have talked, and Alex has shared a lot about his family, but he’s starting to realize that Henry has been rather tight-lipped about the details of his life. Or perhaps it’s that Alex talks too much or is always monopolizing the conversation.

“We do talk” Alex admits, trying not to panic. “But… he doesn’t really share much about his life.” He’s suddenly starting to feel guilty about now knowing more about the person he’s sleeping with. “He always asks about me and lets me ramble on about nothing. Dammit, am I an idiot?” He grumbles. 

“Hang on, let’s not panic” Bea interrupts. “Let’s talk this through a little.”

”I know nothing about him. What if he really is a serial killer?” Alex is starting to get agitated.

”Alex, there is no reason to believe there is anything wrong here.” Bea tries to keep her voice calm. She knows he was only recently diagnosed with ADHD and is still learning to manage it, and this type of reaction is very typical for someone with that diagnosis.

She gives Alex a moment to collect himself before continuing. “Please remember that everyone is different. While some people find it easy to share details of their personal lives, others struggle with it. Perhaps he is just a private person or even an introvert and isn’t yet comfortable sharing about himself yet. We don’t know.”

Alex nods at her words. “What do I do? Do I just straight out ask him?”

“That’s not a bad idea.” Bea muses. “But you need to be prepared for all possibilities.” Alex is watching her intently and she can tell what he’s thinking. “There might be a very simple explanation. Some people just struggle to open up to new people.

But it could also be much more complicated than that. What if he’s not willing to share or panics and refuses? How would you react to that? Or worse, what if he tells you something you aren’t prepared to hear?”

Alex hasn’t considered any of that and is realizing that he was not prepared for it either. “What do you think?”

”I honestly don’t know.” Bea sighs.

Chapter Text

“So?” Bea inquires as soon as Alex sits down. “How are things going?” His facial expressions are completely natural, which is unusual for him, and she isn’t sure how to translate.

Alex gets settled and takes a minute before answering her. “We talked a little” he admits.

”I sense a but?”

”I don’t know. He admitted that he’s not great at opening up to people and he tends to be an introvert, but… I don’t know, it’s not that I don’t believe him, but it’s just really bothering me. I don’t even know what he does for a living.” Alex grumbles.

”Well, did you ask?” Bea is starting to understand Alex quite well at this point, and she is learning that he needs to be pushed a little bit. Based on the expression on his face, she knows his answer without him having to say it. 

“He’s really good at changing the subject away from himself or… distracting me.” Alex feels a little bit of a blush on his cheeks when he admits that.

”So he’s using sex as a way to maintain his privacy? Interesting approach. Definitely creative, I must give him that.” Bea muses.

“I don’t know if he does it on purpose. He says that I just make him really-” Alex catches himself mid-thought. “Sorry, you didn’t need to know that.”

Bea rolls her eyes and laughs. Alex has definitely been one of her more interesting, and entertaining, patients.

”He’s worse than I am, I didn’t think that was possible.” Alex admits shyly. This discussion has definitely gone in an unexpected direction.

“So anyway…” Bea teases, trying to pull the conversation back. “Distractions aside, do you believe he’s being honest with you about being an introvert or do you have concerns that he’s not being honest? You said it’s starting to bother you.”

Alex goes quiet for a moment. “A few nights ago, I asked him to stay over, but he said no. It’s been awhile now, he’s been to my place a bunch of times. I don’t get it. Is it me? Did I do something wrong?”

”Did he offer a reason?”

”He said he had to be up early in the morning.” Alex huffs. “Had an early meeting. It was already late and I didn’t have the energy to question him.” He doesn’t try to hide his sadness or frustration with the situation.

”It seems like he has a lot of excuses.” Bea summarizes, and Alex nods in agreement. But their session is coming to an end, and they don’t have enough time to resolve this. “Let’s talk about this more next week, ok? I know you like making lists, so how about you put together a list of all of your concerns or things that are bothering you, and we can look at them together.”

That weekend, Bea promised to meet up with Pez and Henry at a local bar. Henry had been at a conference for a few days, and Pez had been globetrotting with his charity for the past month, so the three hadn’t spent any time together in quite awhile.

Bea ended up having a last minute appointment with one of her patients who was having a hard time, and by the time she arrived, Henry was nowhere to be found. But Pez, however, with his bright blue hair and matching sequin suit, was easy to spot in the crowd.

“Oh my love, I’ve missed you so!” He exclaims as he pulls Bea into a hug. “You look fabulous as always.”

“Pez, you are such a charmer. Too bad it’s wasted on me.” Bea jokes.

“Doesn’t mean I won’t stop trying. One of these days you might change your mind.” Henry and Percy Okonjo, or Pez as he likes to be called, have been best friends since primary school, so by default, he and Bea are incredibly close as well.

“Where is Hen?” She finally asks.

“He’s around somewhere with his new boy toy” Pez says with an evil grin.

“Oh? Do tell.” It’s been a long time since Bea has even met any her brother’s… boy toys. Just the thought of it makes her laugh. It’s one of those things that she and Henry don’t talk about, but Pez loves to fill her in when Henry isn’t around. She’s thankful though that he usually filters what he shares with her. Usually. It’s still her brother after all, and she does not need to know the details of his sex life.

“Sadly, I don’t know much since I’ve been away. He’s been in the picture for a bit, but this is the first I’m meeting him. And holy hell, he is hoooottt!” Pez jokes, and Bea gives him the side eye. “Oh sweetie, just wait. I promise.”

Bea laughs as she spots Henry weaving through the crowd, headed in her direction. As he reaches their table and wraps his arms around her and places a kiss on her cheek, she notices a man standing behind him.

When Henry moves to the side, she gets a better look at him and tries not to gasp. “Bea, this is Alex.” He says, motioning to Alex. “Alex, this is my sister, Bea.”

Bea can see the mortified look on Alex’s face, and she can only imagine what her face looks like at the moment. But in her panic, she doesn’t know what to say, so she’s thankful when Alex speaks first.

“It’s nice to meet you Bea” Alex says, stumbling a little over his words. 

“You too” she says with a nervous smile.

The group stands there awkwardly silent for a moment, before Alex whispers something in Henry’s ear and turns away, heading toward the bathroom.

“I’m going to get another round” Henry says. “Bea, soda with lime?”

”Please” she tries to smile as Henry turns away and heads toward the bar. She tries to collect herself and hopes he doesn’t notice her panic.

Pez immediately turns to her. “I know I prefer the company of women, but holy hell, that man is a fricken Adonis!” He teases.

Bea smiles, but Pez reads her unease quickly. “What? You don’t agree?”

She shakes her head. “No, he is very handsome” she admits. And he is, she thought that the first time he walked in her office. Even though she is not interested in romantic relationships, she still has eyes.

”Then what’s wrong?” Pez is watching her carefully. “I thought you would be more excited for Hen. When was the last time he even introduced you to someone he was shagging?”

Pez isn’t wrong. Even in this context, her brother rarely introduces her to anyone he is involved with. She knows based on the number of evenings he regularly spends out of the house that he has an active social life, but she can probably count on one hand the amount of men that he’s introduced her to in the time they’ve lived together.

But this is Alex. Her patient Alex. Alex, who has been telling her way too much about the guy he’s been seeing and how obsessed Alex is with him. She also knows Alex has developed strong feelings for him, feelings that Henry can’t or won’t reciprocate. And suddenly, it all makes sense too. Alex’s concerns about him not sharing anything personal and being emotionally distant.

She’s trying to separate in her mind all of the personal and sexual things that Alex has shared with her about Henry from the fact that all of it has been about… her brother. But the sudden spiral in her mind is distracting her from Pez, who is getting suspicious.

”Bea? What’s going on?” Pez is staring at her as she snaps back into the moment. 

“Nothing, sorry. Just a lot on my mind.” She tries to brush him off.

”Nice try.” Pez snips. “It’s something about Alex, isn’t it? I saw the look on your face when he walked up.”

”Pez, it’s nothing.”

”You know him!” Pez exclaims. “How do you know him? You both got weird when you saw each other. Did you sleep with him or something? Oh my god, please tell me you slept with him too!”

”Pez” Bea groans. “Eewww, no.”

”How do you know him, Beatrice? What’s going on?” Pez rarely uses her full name.

”Pez, please just leave it alone, ok.” But he’s shaking his head and she knows he’s not going to drop it. “Ugh, fine. No, I did not date him, I did not sleep with him or anything like that. But yes, I’ve met him before. I was just surprised to see him with Henry.”

”You cannot just leave it at that. I need details!” Pez demands, a mischievous smile on his face. “Is he really as perfect as he seems?”

”Pez, we are not discussing this” she says, happy to see Henry and Alex walking back in their direction carrying drinks. “Leave it alone.”

Thankfully, Pez doesn’t have a choice, and instead turns his attention to Alex. “So Alex, tell us about yourself. Henry here has been rather tight lipped.”

Alex seems to have pulled himself together a little. “What would you like to know?” He smiles.

”What you do for a living, where you are from, what are your intentions with our dearest Henry here?. You know, the usual.” Pez teases, and Bea can’t help but laugh as she takes a sip of her drink.

”I am an attorney, I’m from Texas but went to college in DC, then law school here in New York.”  He smiles. “And I assure you I have only the most honorable intentions with Henry.” The giant grin on his face and wink toward Henry makes everyone laugh.

The group chats for a few minutes before Pez pulls Henry into another conversation, distracting him from Bea and Alex.

”I’m so sorry” Bea murmurs to Alex as he moves closer to her.

“I didn’t even know he had a sister. He never even mentioned you.” Alex growls, his happy demeanor from earlier disappearing. “He told me about Pez a few times, but that was it. When we met up tonight he mentioned his sister was coming. What the fuck?”

“Alex, I don’t know what to say.” She replies. “Look, I’m going to get out of here, leave you all to your evening. I’m sorry. We can talk more this week.”

Alex doesn’t say anything as Bea finishes the last sip of her drink and interrupts Henry and Pez, saying her goodbyes to them. She turns back toward Alex on her way out. “Goodnight Alex, it was nice meeting you.”

”You too” he offers with a small wave, before downing the rest of his drink.

Bea manages to avoid any awkward conversations with Henry over the next two days, and is grateful for her next appointment with her therapist. 

“I have a problem” she groans as she takes her usual seat in Shaan’s office on Monday.

Chapter Text

“I have a problem” Bea groans as she takes her usual seat in Shaan’s office on Monday. When Bea first started practicing, she found it odd that therapists were expected to also see their own therapists, but now she completely understands and finds it incredibly helpful and grounding for her.

“Two months ago, I started seeing a new patient. Really sweet guy with undiagnosed ADHD, he was struggling with some things in his life, and coming to terms with his bisexuality at the same time. He had started seeing someone and was really happy. But this weekend, I found out the person he is seeing is my brother.”

“Oh” Shaan says, his eyes widening at the thought. “I could see how that would be an issue.”

“But that’s actually not my biggest worry” Bea spits out. “My brother is… kind of a slut, you could say. He is not the relationship type.”

Shaan is watching her carefully, giving her space to continue. “I could see the look on Alex’s face whenever he talked about him, he has feelings for Henry. But Henry isn’t like that. I’m really worried about Alex getting hurt. I don’t know what to do.”

“Ok, let’s talk this through.” Shaan says calmly. “First, if you feel that you can no longer treat Alex, I can take him on as a patient. That will separate you from any impropriety but also make sure that he is ok and has the support he needs.” Bea easily agrees. She knows she can’t continue to see him as a patient, Shaan is just trying to make her feel like it’s her choice.

“But about your brother” Shaan starts and Bea shakes her head. 

“Do I say something to him? I know I really can’t because of patient confidentiality, but I just feel like I’m caught in the middle. Can I tell Alex not to see him? Warn Alex about him? I love my brother, please don’t misunderstand. It’s just that Alex thinks they are in a relationship and he’s just going to end up getting hurt.”

“I’m glad you made it” Bea tells Alex when he walks into her office the following day. 

“I wasn’t sure if I would” he says nervously.

“I understand” she offers. Alex is still standing in the center of her office, unsure what to do. “Please sit” she instructs and he finally takes a seat on the couch.. 

“I’m really sorry” Bea explains. “I had no idea the person you were seeing was Henry.”

Alex shakes his head. “It’s not your fault. I never said his name. You couldn’t have known.” He sighs. “But I’m confused. He told me his last name is Fox. Yours is Mountchristen-Windsor. Did he lie about that too?”

“No. Technically, both are correct. Mountchristen-Windsor is our mother’s family. Our dad was Fox. On paper, our names are actually all three. Henry chose to only use Dad’s name. I shortened mine for professional reasons.” Bea explains. 

Alex nods sadly. He’s not really sure what to say. 

“Because of the circumstances, It’s probably best that I don’t continue treating you.” Bea finally says, breaking the silence. “I have spoken to my colleague Shaan, and he is willing to take you on as a patient.”

“Thanks” Alex says softly.

They sit quietly for a moment. “I ended things with Henry” he finally admits. 

“I’m sorry” Bea says sadly. 

“We were not in the same place. I wanted a relationship, I thought we were heading in that direction. I thought he felt the same way about me that I did about him. Clearly I was wrong.” Alex sighs. “I was just too blind to see all the red flags.”

Bea has spent days replaying their conversations in her head. Everything Alex had told her about Henry, about their interactions and dynamic. So much of it made sense to her now. She knew how closed off Henry was, how hesitant he was to let anyone in besides her and Pez. She knows why he never invited Alex to his place and why he turned down Alex’s request to spend the night. But she can’t tell Alex any of that.

“What did you tell him?” She asks.

“I didn’t.” He’s feeling a little ashamed to admit it now. He didn’t tell Henry anything. He just ran away without an explanation. “I left the bar a little bit after you did, I told him I wasn’t feeling well.” He can feel the redness creeping into his cheeks. “ I haven’t answered his texts since.” 

“So you ghosted him?” Bea clarifies.

”I know he’s your brother, but I didn’t know what to say.” He sighs. “I don’t think he really cares anyway.” Alex has started to resign himself to that fact.

Bea likes Alex, she’s gotten to know him during their sessions and she knows he’s a good person and his heart is in the right place. But she also loves her brother, even though he may not deserve an explanation or closure, it still seems like the right thing to do. 

“Do you want me to tell him that we know each other? I obviously won’t share any details, but it’s better than ghosting.” She’s seen it more and more frequently these days with her patients, where instead of someone just being honest and telling someone they aren’t interested or a relationship is over, they just disappear. She also understands the negative psychological impacts of it.

“Yeah, please.” Alex nods. “And can you tell him I’m sorry?”

“You really liked him, didn’t you?” Bea asks softly. She thinks she already knows the answer.

”Yeah” Alex breathes out sadly.

With that, Bea passes him Shaan’s phone number and they say their goodbyes, both a little sad about the situation but unsure what else to do.

She decided to tell Henry that night. Bea had been avoiding him for the past few days and Henry knew something was up. She didn’t want to drag it out any longer than she had to. She had Alex’s permission so she wasn’t breaking any ethical rules, but she still needed to be careful with exactly what details she shared. 

“I know something is up. Just tell me” Henry finally says as he hands her a takeout container from their favorite Thai restaurant. 

Bea sighs. Now is as good a time as any. “Alex, your friend from the bar the other night?” Henry nods. “He is, or rather was, a patient of mine.” 

Henry’s eyes go wide as he tries to process the new information. “He had talked about you a lot in our sessions, but I didn’t know it was you.” Bea frowns. “Until I saw you together at the bar.”

“Oh” Henry finally says, starting to put it all together. “I knew something was up, I just didn’t know what.”

“I’m sorry.” She doesn’t really know what else to say. She wasn’t sure if Henry needed closure, but she felt obligated to at least tell him the truth.

“I haven’t spoken to him since, if it makes you feel any better.”

“I know. I saw him today. Shaan is going to take him on instead so I can distance myself from the situation.” Henry nods, understanding her reasoning. “If I would have known…”

“What would you have done?” Henry sighs. “It wouldn’t have mattered when you found out. The outcome would have been the same.”

They both sit quietly, eating their dinner. Bea can feel the tension in the air, she knows Henry is upset. She knows it’s not her fault, it was just an unfortunate coincidence. But also, Henry never got emotionally attached to anyone he was seeing, and never seemed bothered when things ended, so this is out of character. 

“He’s a really good person, isn’t he?” Henry finally asks. 

“Yeah, he is.” Bea confirms. She can see the sad expression on his face as she says it. 

“Talk to me Hen.”

“He was different.” Henry sighs. “There was just something about him.”

A few days later, Alex meets with Shaan for the first time. “I want to do everything I can to make this transition easy for you.” Shaan tries to assure him.

Alex had spent days going over this in his head. He had built a relationship with Bea over the past months and found her easy to talk to, but now it just felt weird. The limited information she had shared with him about her personal life and about Henry was playing on a loop in his mind, and he was trying to remember everything inappropriate he may have told her about his relationship with her brother.

He wasn’t mad at her, he was just embarrassed at the situation, but it still felt shitty either way.

“I’m an idiot.” Alex finally spits out.

“Why do you say that?” Shaan inquires.

“Because I spent the last two months telling my therapist way too much information about my relationship, not knowing the person I was telling her about was her own brother.” Alex grumbles. “And I spent two months wasting my time trying to build a relationship with someone who never wanted one, who had no interest in me at all.

It wasn’t Bea. She was great. She listened, she asked the right questions, and helped me work through issues. But when I saw her standing there at the bar that night, something clicked. My subconscious has been trying to send me a message this whole time, and I hadn’t been listening, so it appeared right in front of me in the form of my own therapist.” 

“What was it trying to tell you?” Shaan is still a little skeptical, convinced this was just a true coincidence, but he wants to hear Alex out.

”That Henry was bad news. I wanted to believe I was wrong, I kept trying, convincing myself I was overreacting or it wasn’t a big deal. I ignored so many red flags.”

“Alex, don’t beat yourself up. It happens. That’s why you are here. We can talk through it and maybe help you not make the same mistake again.” Shaan tries to assure him, and Alex hesitantly agrees.

For the next hour, they revisit some of the conversations that he had with Bea, and some of the dynamics in his relationship with Henry that may have been signs of an unhealthy relationship. But as they are saying their goodbyes, Alex realizes he doesn’t feel any better, and if anything, he feels worse.

Alex hides in his apartment, ignores texts from June and Nora, and other than going to work, does absolutely nothing. He cancels his next appointment with Shaan, giving him a lame excuse and promising to reschedule, but deep down he knows he won’t. 

When June shows up on his doorstep almost two weeks later with a bag of takeout, he hesitantly lets her in. He doesn’t want to talk about it, he just wants to wallow in his own misery. 

“I’m worried about you little bro” she tells him as she unpacks the food. He tries to play it off, telling her he’s busy with work, but she’s his sister and she knows when he’s lying.

”Try again. What’s really going on?”

”Ugh, FINE.” He grumbles as he takes a bite of his lo mein. “Remember that guy I was seeing, Henry?”

“The one you wouldn’t tell us anything about?” She asks. “Who we thought you made up?”

”I didn’t make him up” Alex immediately snaps. “It’s just that… oh never mind. It doesn’t matter.”  

June is looking at him carefully. “What about him?” She asks, her voice softer now.

“The reason I didn’t tell you anything about him is because I didn’t know anything about him! He never shared anything about his life.” Alex tries to explain. 

“But you went out with him a bunch of times. What did you…” June catches herself and throws her hands up. “Please don’t answer that.”

“It’s complicated.” He doesn’t really want to get into details now. It doesn’t matter. As much time as he and Henry spent debating movies and books and food, Alex telling Henry about his life, childhood, family, Henry never reciprocated. 

“But that’s not the biggest problem. I found out that he’s the brother of my therapist. Well, my former therapist.” 

“Oh crap, seriously?” June stares at him, wide eyed, trying to take in the situation. “And what do you mean former therapist?”

”I obviously can’t continue to see her.” He snaps. “And I don’t want to see him anymore either.”

”Why not? You were doing really well with her. And you seemed rather smitten with him when we had brunch last weekend. I don’t understand.”

”Because she’s a professional and it’s wildly inappropriate. And he was just an asshole who only wanted-” he cuts himself off before he finishes the statement, but he’s pretty sure June gets the idea anyway. 

“I guess this is how women feel?” he muses, and June can’t help but agree and laugh.

“It’s ok to be sad about this, but you need to stop moping around. The only way you will feel better is to get out and do something and take your mind off of him.” Nora lectures. It’s been three weeks since everything went down with Henry, and Alex’s mood hasn’t improved.

”And what do you suggest?” Alex grumbles. He knows what she’s going to say.

”The best way to get over somebody is to get under somebody else” Nora teases. It’s been an ongoing joke of theirs for way too long. She knows Alex hates the reference, which encourages her even more. “June and I are going out dancing tomorrow night, come with us.”

”Do I have a choice?” 

“Nope” Nora replies.

Nora picks out his outfit, fixes his hair, unbuttons a few extra buttons on his shirt, and offers to cover his drinks for the night if he promises to at least try to have a good time.

And he does try. The bar is packed, the music is blasting, and after a few shots, he’s feeling relaxed and flirtatious. But as he looks around the bar, he only focuses on the women. He doesn’t even dare look at any men, he does not want to go down that road right now.

He eventually gets adopted by a few girls celebrating their friend’s bachelorette party. One of the girls, a petite brunette named Jessica, takes a liking to him, and soon after, they are making out on the dance floor.

She’s cute and funny with a nice body and a few curves, totally his type. Her lips are soft and pliant, the way she presses her body into his as she runs her hands up and down his back should be perfect. But it’s not. None of it feels right. Her lips are too soft and the way she moves her tongue against his is all wrong. She just doesn’t fit the way he wants. The way he needs. So when she asks if he wants to come home with her, he tells her no.

When he returns to June and Nora, he shakes his head sadly and tells them he’s going to head home. Thankfully, neither try to stop him.

Chapter Text

“I tried June, you were there. I just need a break, ok?” Alex grumbles into the phone a few days later.

”I understand, and I don’t want to push you, but sitting around your house every night isn’t good for you either.”

He knows she’s right, but he just wants to feel sorry for himself now, wallow in his own misery for a little longer. 

“How about joining my book club? The book we are reading this month is really good, I think you will like it.” June suggests.

”A book club? Seriously?” This is at the bottom of the list of exciting ways to spend his evenings. “I don’t think that’s really my cup of tea.”

”You’ve never even tried it.” June reminds him. “Why don’t you give it a chance? We meet next week. You can read the book in a weekend. Come on Alex, you need something different, a change of scenery. Please try, for me?”

”Ugh, fine. Send me the name of the book and I’ll see if I can get through it.” Alex used to love to read when he was a kid, but when he got busy with school, then college and law school, he no longer had time to read for pleasure. Even now, most of his reading time is spent on legal briefs and case law. He can’t remember the last time he just sat down and read a book for fun.

”I promise you won’t regret this.” June says as they hang up. Famous last words. He’s already regretting agreeing to this.

But he promised June, so he will at least give it a try. June sends him the name of the book, Forgotten Sunsets. He groans when he sees the title, already having decided it’s going to be some awful sappy romance that he is not interested in. But he’s doing this for June, so he finds the ebook at the library and downloads it onto his tablet.

As he lays down in bed that evening, he decides to try it, hoping if nothing else, it will put him to sleep.

Two hours later, he’s completely drawn in and has to force himself to put it down so he can attempt to get some sleep that night.

By the time June’s book club rolls around the following week, Alex has already read the book twice and has pages of notes on it.

Alex grabbed a decaf coffee on his way to the second floor of the coffeehouse where the book club meets. He needed something to drink, but he knew June would yell at him for having coffee this late in the day, and he’s really trying to be better. 

June and a few others are sitting around the table chatting, so he takes a seat next to her and gets comfortable. As a few others walk in, he can’t help but notice the entire group is women, and he hopes this isn’t June’s twisted attempt at a setup.

A Latina woman named Jasmine gets the discussion started, providing a quick overview of the book and poses some questions to the group to get the conversation started.

A few minutes in, Alex hears the door open and another person enter the room. But as he turns to the door to see the new person, he has to hold in his gasp.

The man is dressed in gray slacks and a dark peacoat, with an Burberry scarf around his neck. But as he removes his beanie and Alex sees the blond hair, he thinks he’s hallucinating.

”Apologies for my tardiness, Office Hours ran late” the man says, his British accent pulling Alex back to reality.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. How is this even possible? Alex’s mind starts racing. Of all the people he would expect to be part of June’s book club, Henry is at the bottom of the list. It’s not that Henry isn’t brilliant or incredibly well read, but it just didn’t make sense. And what did he mean by office hours? Alex is getting angry now.

”Oh Henry, don’t worry about it. We’re just getting started. Have a seat” Jasmine coos as Henry gets settled into the empty seat to her left. But as he looks around the room, his eyes catch on Alex, and as much as he tries to school his expression, Alex can see the shock and terror in his eyes.

”Are you ok?” June whispers, sensing the sudden tension in his body. 

“Yeah, fine” Alex grunts back, trying not to look at Henry.

“Shall we continue?” Jasmine says, and the discussion quickly returns to the book.

Alex tries his best to ignore Henry, to look away, to look down at the table or his drink or his hands or his phone. Anything but Henry. But when someone in the group says something he completely disagrees with, he can’t control himself and quickly perks up.

“James needed to cut ties completely for his own sanity. I don’t think he meant to hurt Adam, he was just trying to protect himself.” Alex injects.

”But he knew Adam would be upset” one of the women replies, disagreeing with Alex.

”He didn’t know how Adam felt though. Adam never told him, he had no idea Adam was in love with him.” 

“Adam hinted at it for months before he left, he went out of his way to take care of and protect James when everything happened. James had to know.” Another woman adds.

”Men are stupid and oblivious” June laughs, and Alex quickly agrees.

”Alex is right” Henry interrupts. “And June too of course, but for different reasons.”

”How do you know?” Alex snaps. He doesn’t mean to, but something about Henry siding with him, saying his name, even just being there bothers Alex more than he imagined it would.

The rest of the group goes silent, between Henry's comment and Alex’s harsh tone, everyone is a little taken aback.

”Because I helped write the book” Henry admits, and the entire group immediately stares at him with shocked expressions.

”What?” Alex exclaims, the exacerbation clear in his voice. He is beyond confused now.

”Richard was one of my creative writing students. Forgotten Sunsets started as a short essay for my class, but he wanted to make it into something more.” Everyone around the table nods at Henry’s words, like it’s no big deal that Henry knows the author of a bestselling novel, and even helped write it.

The rest of the discussion is completely derailed by Henry’s admission, everyone now taking turns asking Henry about the author and the book and the process of writing it. Everyone except Alex that is.

Alex sits quietly in his seat, his leg bouncing up and down under the table, and his brain racing at the conversation. He’s trying his best to ignore Henry, but he can’t. He’s completely enthralled and overwhelmed all at the same time. He learns more about Henry in the 45 minute book club discussion than he did in the two months they had been sleeping together, and he doesn’t know how to process that.

Henry is apparently a college professor, something he never even once mentioned to Alex. Alex realizes that he could have googled Henry or tried to find him on social media, but he didn’t want to do that at the time, it seemed wrong. He wanted to learn about Henry from Henry directly, not from stalking him on the internet.

But as he tries to distract himself and pulls out his phone, searching Henry’s name, he finds very little. Only a short bio and picture from Columbia University, identifying Henry as one of their English Literature professors. Apparently, he also has an undergraduate degree from Oxford and a PhD from Columbia. What in the actual fuck?

They never talked about it. Henry never mentioned his work or what he did for a living. Alex knew he was intelligent and well spoken, but he was also a little wild when they spent time together. Alex could have made assumptions, but he knew Henry would never confirm anything.

Alex also can’t get over the way Henry is dressed, like he’s a completely different person. A button down shirt with a sweater over it, perfectly pressed and fitted pants with an expensive looking belt. He looked like a professor, and unlike anything Alex has ever seen him in before.

Usually when they got together, Henry was dressed a little… provocatively. Revealing clothes, shirts with a few extra buttons open, showing off his flawless pale skin. And Alex would have been the first one to admit that he definitely had something to show off, he looked hot. 

But this Henry is so completely different. Buttoned up and proper, but also thoughtful, engaged, open. And he still looks fucking hot, even in his full-blown professor outfit. Alex can’t comprehend how these two very different characters are the same person. 

It’s starting to get late though and Jasmine ends the discussion, thanking everyone for coming and announcing the next book they will read. As everyone stands up but continues to chat and linger, all Alex can think about is getting as far from that room as possible. He does his best to sneak out unnoticed, making it halfway down the street before he gets a text from June asking where he is.

Alex, June, and Nora meet up for dinner shortly after, Nora teasing Alex about his presence at the book club.

”Alex was more into it than half the people there” June comments, and Nora laughs.

”I was not!” Alex snarls, but they all know the truth. 

“Well, you were until Henry showed up, then you just got…” she waves her hands around in Alex’s direction “weird.”

“You did tell me Henry was hot” Nora shrugs. 

“WHAT?” Alex growls.

”He’s not hard on the eyes” June defends, but Alex just glares at her. “What? I’m allowed to look.”

”So did Alex just get flustered at his attractiveness?” Nora teases, looking toward June and pretending Alex isn’t there.

“You want to know why I got weird?” Alex snarls. “Because Henry, you’re little professor bookworm buddy, is the same HENRY that I was seeing.”

Both June and Nora gasp in unison. “What?? That’s not possible.” June huffs.

Alex just shakes his head and stares at her. “I mean, we knew Henry was gay, but he’s so prim and proper and…”

”And unlike anyone who would date me?”

”No, I didn’t mean it like that.” June quickly defends her comment. “It’s just… I don’t know, he just doesn’t seem like…” She’s trying to be careful with her words. She doesn’t mean anything bad and it’s not an insult to Alex. “He doesn’t seem like the type to pick up a guy at a bar and lead him on.”

”Well, clearly looks can be deceiving” Alex points out.

“Have you been talking to your therapist?” Bea asks. She tries not to pry into Henry’s life, but she lives with him and she can see his recent change in mood. She knows he has bad days from time to time, but this recent change has been going on for much longer than a few days, and she’s starting to worry.

Henry looks up from his book and eyes her carefully. “Yes, Bea” he grumbles, before turning his attention back to his reading.

”You know you can talk to me too, right?”

”I have nothing to say.” He doesn’t even look up as he speaks.

”Then will you at least listen?” She asks. He lets out a sigh and closes his book before turning his attention to her. “You haven’t been yourself lately. I know something is bothering you. I want to help, if I can.”

Henry closes his eyes and shakes his head. “There is nothing you can do.”

”How do you know if you won’t at least tell me what’s going on?” Therapist Bea has entered the room.

He takes a minute to think about it before speaking. “I ran into Alex a few days ago.” Bea’s eyes go wide. “His sister is in my book club, I had no idea. She brought him along this week.”

”Are you ok? Did he say anything to you?”

”He just kept glaring at me like I had head lice. He hates me.” He admits sadly. “I never meant to hurt him.”

Bea stays quiet, giving Henry space to process. “He is so wonderful and perfect and beautiful and caring, and all I did was hurt him. Because that is all that I know.”

“Henry, you didn’t do it on purpose.” Bea knows him, even though he did hurt Alex, that was never his intention.

”I am not capable of getting close to someone, of letting them in. Of loving them and letting them love me.” She can see the tears welling up in his eyes and his voice is getting shaky. She moves to sit next to him on the couch and wraps her arms around him.

”Yes you are. You can learn. If that’s what you truly want, you can learn.” She tries to reassure him.

”But it will be too late. He’s the only person I could ever want. That I could ever see myself being with or caring about or loving. And he would never have me, not after how I’ve treated him.” He mumbles into her shoulder between tears.

”How do you know?” Bea has gotten to know Alex rather well during their sessions, and she knows that he is a good person with a big heart and a lot of love to give. And if that’s the case, maybe there is some room in that big heart to forgive Henry.

”Because I wouldn’t if I were in his place.” Henry admits.

“Well then we should be glad the roles are reversed” Bea suggests, but Henry just shakes his head.

”Hen, You deserve to be happy. You are not broken, you are not a bad person. You deserve to love someone and be loved. I’ve never seen you even bat an eye at someone before. But if you found a person who you have feelings for or you want to be with, then you need to try.” She sighs. “You will never forgive yourself if you don’t.”

Long ago, Henry had resigned himself to spending his life alone. Short stints in the beds of mystery men was all he needed. His life would never be what he read in romance novels. That wasn’t what he wanted anyway. He knew he was never meant to find happiness. Then Alex came into his life. And there was just something about Alex that drove him absolutely insane.

”How?” He asks, and she will take that as a small win.

Blond Haired Asshole (DO NOT ANSWER)

Can we talk?

Alex stares at the message in disbelief. It’s been almost a week since the book club, and he was finally starting to move past the lingering anger of that evening.

He puts his phone back in his pocket and tries to ignore it. He turns back to work, tries to answer emails, goes to meetings. But as the day continues, he finds himself getting more and more angry. 

Alex can’t figure out what Henry wants. He has nothing to say to him, and he can’t imagine Henry would want to talk to him either. 

But that’s really not true. There are a lot of things that Alex wants to say to Henry, they’ve been spinning through his brain almost constantly for weeks, and none of it is nice.

He calls Nora that night, asking for her advice. “What do you have to lose?” She asks after he rambles on for five minutes about the situation. “Seriously? Things can’t really get any worse. I give it a 73% chance that Bea bullied him into apologizing.”

Alex contemplates the possibilities as Nora adds one more thought. “Maybe it will give you some closure. Help you move on and snap out of the funk you’ve been in.”

”I have not been in a funk” Alex instinctively snaps, but he knows she’s right. He’s been in a funk for awhile, and seeing Henry at the book club definitely made things worse.

”Talk to him” Nora tries to encourage him. “And as soon as you do, you better call me. I’m going to need a full report.”

Alex knows he needs to say yes. He needs to hear what Henry has to say. Nora is right, it can’t get any worse.

But he also doesn’t want to give Henry the satisfaction of a speedy response, so he waits until the next day to reply. 

Alex C-D 🤠

yeah, ok

Blond Haired Asshole (DO NOT ANSWER)

Are you free tomorrow night? 7pm

[address pin]

Alex C-D 🤠

random address, feels like a trap

Blond Haired Asshole (DO NOT ANSWER)

It’s my flat, you bellend.

Chapter Text

Alex spends the next 24 hours spiraling. He can’t figure out why Henry has suddenly reached out, what he wants, and why he is suddenly inviting him to his house, of all places. Wouldn’t it be better to meet somewhere in public, neutral territory. Alex debates replying and suggesting a coffee house instead. 

But there is a part of Alex that is incredibly curious too, and he wants to know where Henry lives. He needs to know, needs to see his house, needs to understand.

Alex had finally started getting over his anger about what transpired. Now he doesn’t know if he really wants to see Henry again. Does he want to talk to him? Does he want to listen to what Henry has to say, or is it too little, too late?

To take his mind off of it, he decides to google the address Henry shared. It’s in Brooklyn, a twenty minute subway ride from his place. He’s not terribly familiar with that part of town, so he wants to know what he’s getting himself into.

When he sees the area on a map, it looks to be mostly residential, so he switches to street view and finds a very fancy tree lined street, covered with old brownstones. They look gorgeous, and expensive. Alex knows he shouldn’t be surprised one bit.

Alex ascends the stairs at the address Henry provided, but is confused when he doesn't see any apartment listings on the wall, just a single doorbell. He looks at the building once more, then doublechecks the address Henry provided, but this is definitely the place. So he rings the bell.

He’s surprised to hear a dog barking, followed by Henry’s voice. Alex takes a deep breath as he hears the door unlock, trying to pull himself together.

”Hello” Henry says as he opens the door, but Alex doesn’t respond. Instead, he takes it all in. Henry standing in front of him in a T-shirt and joggers, his perfect blond hair brushed to the side, and a half smile on his face. But when Alex looks down and sees an adorable beagle sitting at his feet, his eyes go wide with surprise. 

It wasn’t that he didn’t think Henry was an animal person, but he never even mentioned it. In all of their conversations, Henry never once said that he had a dog. Maybe the dog belonged to Bea? But even then, he never said he lived with a dog. Alex can’t get beyond it, it seems like such a simple and basic detail that was kept from him.

“Would you like to come in?” Henry says, snapping Alex out of his trance. Alex nods and Henry steps to the side.

As Alex walks through the door, he tries to take it all in. A beautiful entryway, intricate tiled floor, high ceilings, wood paneling and crown molding, and a large wooden staircase on one side. The place is amazing. Alex understands now when Bea mentioned that their place was big enough for both of them. From the look of the first floor and the outside of the building, this place is big enough for a family of ten.

But there’s something that doesn’t add up. Bea is a therapist, and Henry is a professor. While he’s sure they both make decent money in their respective careers, there is no way they would be able to come close to affording this place, even with their combined incomes. Alex knows what he pays for a small apartment in a mediocre neighborhood. He tries to put the thought out of his head for now though.

Alex slips off his shoes as Henry closes the door and turns away, but as soon as he does, the dog begins yipping and jumping at Alex’s legs.

Alex bends down to pet him. “Hey buddy!” He says as he scratches his head. “You are a cutie!” The dog yips again, seemingly agreeing with Alex’s words. “Yes you are.”

Henry tries to catch himself from laughing. “This is David.”

”WHAT?” Alex cries, looking at the dog. “Are you joking? You didn’t name your dog David.”

”He’s named after Bowie” Henry shrugs.

”Then why not just call him Bowie? Seriously, it’s a dog, not a middle-aged white guy in a tie.”

”A man should have some element of mystery” Henry comments, but then catches himself as Alex’s eyes go wide at his words. The irony isn’t lost on him.

”Let’s go to the living room” Henry says quickly, motioning Alex down the hall. Alex stands and starts following him, David close on his heels.

When they reach the living room, Henry motions for Alex to take a seat. ”Can I offer you a drink? Beer, wine, cup of tea perhaps?” But before Alex can answer, Henry adds “I am not making you coffee at this hour.”

”Fine!” Alex growls. “How about a beer?”

Henry nods and steps away for a minute. Alex watches as David sniffs at his feet, before jumping up on the couch and planting himself next to him. Alex instinctively starts petting him until Henry returns with two bottles of beer, handing one to Alex then taking a seat on the other end of the couch.

”I know I owe you an explanation” Henry says as Alex’s eyes focus on him.

”About why you have two completely different identities? Two different personalities? A stuffy uptight professor who belongs to a book club or a slut who goes home with random guys he picks up at bars but never spends the night.” Alex knows his words are harsh, but nice went out the window a long time ago.

“Yes” Henry sighs.

“The people in your book club seem to know everything about you, but the person you are sleeping with doesn't even know what you do for a living. I don’t get it.” Alex growls. “How could you never even mention that you had a dog? Or a sister for that matter? You seriously told me about Bea five minutes before introducing me to her. Why were those such big secrets? It’s not like they are spies for MI6 or something.”

“I never imagined you would want to know.” He muses.

”What the fuck? Is that your explanation!? Why do you think I kept asking? Why would I waste my time with you if I didn’t want to get to know you?”

Henry shrugs. He doesn’t know what to say. He thinks back to all the men before Alex, all the men he’d been with who never asked, never cared, never wanted to know. He liked it that way, things never got messy or complicated. It worked for him. No feelings or emotions, just sex.

“I realize I may have misread the situation.” Henry treated Alex just like the rest of them, it had never been an issue before. But when he thinks about it, Alex was so much different than the rest of them.

“You think?” He snaps sarcastically. “You purposely avoided telling me anything about you. Anytime I asked, you distracted me or changed the subject. For fucks sake, I didn’t even know what you did for a living. I let you into my house, told you about my life. Why couldn’t you even reciprocate? Are you that emotionally unavailable?” It might be harsh, but it’s the only rational explanation he can come up with.

The volume of Alex’s voice must have woken David from his slumber, and he immediately gets to his paws, runs into Henry’s lap, and lays down, waiting to be petted.

“Yes.” Henry admits sadly. “But it wasn’t all purposeful.” Alex’s eyes narrow at the words. “You are really fricken hot and you make me really horny. When you are around, all I can think about is getting my mouth on you.”

Well that was more honest than Alex expected, and he doesn’t quite know what to do with the information. 

“Is that why you led me on then? Because I’m hot.” He snarls. Normally Alex would be floating at the ego boost, but in this situation, it’s having the complete opposite impact.

“I didn’t lead you on.” Henry snaps, and Alex glares at him. “Never once did I tell you I wanted anything more than casual. You were sleeping with other people.”

“WHAT?” Alex’s eyes go wide. “Why the fuck would you think I was sleeping with other people?”

Now Henry is surprised. “You weren’t?”

”WERE YOU?” Alex can’t decide if he’s more angry or shocked at the allegation. But he doesn’t before Henry answers, he continues. “What the fuck would make you think I was sleeping with other people? Besides that fact that you completely exhausted me every time we were together and I wouldn’t have the energy, you are like a fucking vampire in bed. I’m constantly covered in bruises and hickeys. Don’t think that would go over too well with someone else.”

”I never heard you complain.” Henry murmurs.

“My only complaint is that you are an asshole.” Alex slams his beer down on the table and stands up. He can feel himself starting to spiral and he needs to get out of here before he completely breaks down. He turns toward the hallway leading to the front door and takes a step forward.

”You’re leaving?” Henry says sadly.

Alex stops but doesn’t turn around. “Why do you care?”

”Alex.” Something in the tone of his voice catches Alex off guard. He closes his eyes and shakes his head, trying to will away the tears he knows are coming. “I’m sorry.” Henry eventually adds. “I never meant to give you the wrong idea.”

“But you did anyway. You knew I liked you, you knew I was getting attached. And you let me. You let me get the wrong idea. Why?”

”Because I’m a selfish asshole?” The words slip out of Henry’s mouth before he can catch himself.

“Well that’s something we can both agree on” Alex snaps. He wipes away a tear from his cheek before he turns around to face him again.

“Please sit down.” Henry asks softly. It takes Alex a minute before he finally complies.

There are so many thoughts racing through Henry’s head, he doesn’t even know where to start. “I was not sleeping with anyone else.” He admits.

Alex remains quiet, looking around the room at everything except Henry. “I don’t let people in, I don’t get attached. I keep everyone at arm’s length. I’m not used to anyone pretending to care.”

“I wasn’t pretending” Alex whispers.

”I realize that now.” He sighs. “I think I realized it then too, but I was in denial. I was so enamored by you. Christ, I was in so far over my head, I was just waiting for everything to fall apart.”

”Well congratulations, you got your wish.” Henry doesn’t have the energy to fight back.

“Can I ask you something?” Henry finally says.

”Sure, why not?” A little bit of sarcasm in his voice.

”Exactly how much experience do you have with men?” Henry doesn’t even know why he’s asking, it doesn’t matter anyway, but something inside him just needs to know.

“Just you.” Alex isn’t ashamed, he thought Henry knew that already.

”Oh holy hell” Henry grumbles.

“I never heard you complaining, Your Majesty. Is it suddenly a problem?” Alex growls, throwing the words back in his face. “Was I not good enough for you?”

“I didn’t mean it like that” Henry snaps.

Alex just shakes his head, suddenly contemplating all of his life choices. “I didn’t realize I was into men until I met you. How’s that for your fragile overinflated ego?” The sarcasm now dripping in his words.

“Oh stop it.” Henry yells, before softening his tone. “You don’t know me at all-”

But before he can finish his statement, Alex interrupts. “It’s not for a lack of trying.”

”Alex, you wouldn’t want me if you did. I’m damaged and broken. I have a lot of baggage.”

”Shouldn’t that have been my choice? My decision? After I have all the facts. But instead, you chose for me. Never gave me a chance.” Alex huffs.

Henry doesn’t have a response. Alex tried to fight for him, tried to give him a chance when he wouldn’t even give himself one. And all he did was keep Alex at arm’s length or push him away.

”Why am I here, Henry? What could you possibly want from me? If this was your attempt at an apology, you have a lot to learn.”

And that’s the problem. Henry knows exactly what he wants, he wants Alex, he wants Alex to give him a chance. But all of his self deprecation and arguing have completely ruined that possibility. Instead of just apologizing to Alex, he argued with him, he criticized and insulted him, then he told Alex there was no way he could want him.

In some ways, Alex brings out the worst in him. He gets a sick thrill out of debating with him, arguing with him, poking at him.

The ironic part was, Alex does know him. As much as Henry didn’t share anything about his personal life, they did talk. They had spent hours talking about books and movies and politics, debating the finer points of each. 

When Henry snaps back to reality, he realizes Alex is staring at him, waiting for an answer, but Henry doesn’t have one. He just shakes his head sadly. 

“I’m going to go.” Alex says as he stands up, putting his beer bottle down on the coffee table. “Nice talking to you Henry.”

As he turns his back and starts walking towards the door, Henry whispers ”I’m sorry” once more. He knows Alex heard him, because he can see him shaking his head.

A minute later, the front door slams. Alex is gone and Henry is left to melt into the couch with his thoughts.

When Bea gets home later that night, she finds Henry and David curled up on the couch together. No television, no book, just silence, Henry staring off into space. 

She heads to the kitchen and turns on the kettle as she gets out the teabags and mugs. After pouring two cups of tea, she makes her way to the living room.

”I take it things didn’t go well?”

”No” Henry whispers as he looks at her. 

“I made you some tea” she says as she hands him the mug. He sits up and takes it from her, offering his thanks.

“He’s angry with me, and he has every right to be. No amount of apologies will change that.” Henry explains.

”But he showed up. He listened to what you had to say. That’s a good start.” Bea reminds him.

”He did most of the talking” Henry admits. “Did you know that he had never been with a man before? That I was the first?”

“Yes” Bea admits.

”Christ” Henry mumbles. “How could I have been so blind?”

”Why does it matter? Would it have changed something for you if you knew? You knew he was inexperienced.”

”I just didn’t know he was that inexperienced” Henry groans. “I don’t know, maybe I wouldn’t have pursued him, I wouldn’t have continued to see him.” But they both know that isn’t true. Henry had been obsessed with Alex from the moment they met. There was nothing that was going to stop him if he was given the chance.

“Have your feelings changed now that you know?” She asks, and Henry just shakes his head.

Bea listens intently as Henry fills her in on the rest of the conversation, the arguing and poking at each other. “How did you leave things?” She asks once Henry goes silent.

”We didn’t.” He admits. “If anything, I feel worse now than before.”

”I’m sorry Hen.”

Chapter Text

“I’m glad you reached out” Shaan says as Alex takes a seat on his couch. “I must admit I was a little worried after you cancelled your last few appointments.”

”Yeah, uh, sorry about that.” It wasn’t that Alex was avoiding Shaan, he just really wasn’t in the mood to talk. Shaan wasn’t like Bea, Bea was easy to open up to, and they had built a good rapport over the past few months. Even when Alex was struggling, she still had a way of getting him to talk. Shaan was a little more serious and formal, and if Alex is being honest, he found him a little bit scary.

But Alex needed someone to talk to that wasn’t his sister or Nora. He had been a mess for weeks, and instead of getting better, things only seemed to be getting worse. So after much pestering from June, he agreed to go see Shaan again and give him another chance.

Alex didn’t have the energy to even make up an excuse. “I just needed a minute.”

”That’s ok.” Shaan tells him. “How are you doing now?”

”Not great” Alex admits. 

He spends the next hour telling Shaan about everything that happened with Henry, running into him at the book club, then Henry inviting him over and them arguing.

”I just don’t get it. I don’t know what he wanted from me.” Alex grumbles. “And now I just feel worse. I don’t know if I hoped I would get an explanation or closure or something, but it didn’t happen.”

“Is that what you want? An explanation? Will that help you move on?” Shaan asks.

Alex shrugs. “I need to get him out of my head.” He admits. “I just keep thinking about everything he said, or didn’t say. It’s like a jigsaw puzzle where I don’t even know what the picture is and there are pieces missing.”

They talk for a few more minutes, and Shaan gives him some things to think about for their next session.

As Alex is leaving Shaan’s office, he sees Bea in the hallway coming towards him. When their paths finally cross, it’s right outside of her office.

After polite greetings, she asks the hard question. ”How are you doing?”

Alex shrugs. “I just spent the last hour complaining to Shaan.”

Bea smiles at the statement. “I’m glad you are giving him a chance.” She admits, and Alex squints at her, confused by the statement. “He mentioned that you cancelled a few appointments.”

”Yeah. I apologized for that.”

”It’s ok, we all know this isn’t easy. We are here to support you however we can, but you are the one who needs to do the hard stuff.” And that really is the moral of therapy, isn’t it? “Do you want to come in for a minute?” She asks as she motions to her office.

Alex agrees and steps inside with her. He looks around the office, remembering all the time he had spent there recently and all of their conversations.

“I heard the conversation with Henry didn’t go so well the other day.” Bea admits.

Alex shakes his head sadly. “I don’t know what I expected him to say. He tried to apologize but it was so half-assed, then he started telling me how broken he was and how I could never want him.” Alex sighs. “I just don’t understand him.”

“I’m not sure he completely understands himself right now either.” Bea admits. She’s not trying to offer Alex an excuse or justification. She doesn’t want to overstep. She knows how Henry feels, and she can tell from Alex’s body language that his feelings are likely the same. Honestly, she just feels bad for both of them right now.

It has been a week. A case Alex was working on had gone off the rails, and he ended up putting in a ton of extra hours to get everything back on track. Nora had a bunch of urgent work dumped on her and she had been overwhelmed. And June had been working non-stop for weeks to try to finish a big story. So when Nora said they all needed to go out for drinks that weekend, it was a no-brainer.

June had heard about a new literary-themed bar that recently opened in Brooklyn. All the drinks on the menu had funny references to famous novels, the walls were decorated in book covers and quotes, but they also had live music and DJs on the weekends so they could dance.

The evening started with shots, followed by Alex making the rounds on the dance floor trying to let loose and burn off some of the stress from the week. 

June and Nora had taken a break, Nora heading to the bar to get the group another round of drinks. But when she returned to June with a big smile on her face, June eyed her suspiciously.

”I just met my future husband!” Nora exclaims with a laugh.

”What? Who?!” June asks as she looks around, but the bar is dark and crowded and she has no idea what Nora is talking about.

”I met these two guys at the bar while I was waiting for our drinks. One of them paid for these” she explains as she places their drinks down on the table. “They are both hot as fuck and smooth…”

June knows this is not Nora, but she’s had a lot to drink so June just tries to laugh along with her. “What do you mean both? Which one is your future husband?” She asks teasingly.

“Oh, either one is perfectly fine!” Nora smiles as she looks around, spotting the two men heading their way. “Five o’clock, coming this way.”

June gasps when she turns around and sees the men walking toward her. “Oh god” she says as she starts to panic.

”What? Do you know them?” Nora is suddenly confused.

”The blond is Henry, the one from my book club. The one that ALEX WAS SEEING!” She whispers loudly as they approach.

”Holy fuck! Oh god.” Now it’s Nora’s turn to panic. “Ok, but he is fucking hot!”

As the men get closer, Henry’s eyes catch June’s, and he suddenly frowns. Pez, on the other hand, is all smiles. “Nora, my love, please introduce me to this goddess!” He exclaims as they reach their table, putting an arm around Nora.

”Pez, this is my friend June.” She motions to June. “June, this is Pez, and it seems like you already know Henry.”

Pez catches the words and quickly looks back and forth between June and Henry. 

“It’s good to see you June” Henry offers, but she can see the sadness on his face as he says it.

”You too.” June is trying to hide the look of shock and panic on her face.

”I’m sorry, how do you two know each other?” Pez chirps. “And why have you never told me that you are acquainted with someone so breathtaking?"

”Henry and I are in the same book club” June tries to explain, not wanting to overshare.

”And you have already met June’s brother” Henry finally admits. “Do you remember Alex?”

Now it’s Pez’s turn to gasp.

”Speaking of Alex, just so you know, he is floating around here somewhere.” June offers. She doesn’t want Henry to be surprised if they run into each other.

Pez turns to Henry with a wicked grin, and Henry smacks his arm and growls at him to stop.

Henry quickly strikes up a conversation with Nora, trying to move beyond the uncomfortable coincidence, and June takes the opportunity to step away and find Alex. And warn him about Henry.

“If you want to go home, I won’t be upset.” June tells him after breaking the news.

Alex shakes his head. “Hell no, I’m staying. If he has a problem, he can leave.” She can tell he’s a little angry, but seems to shake it off pretty well. She’s sure the copious amounts of alcohol he’s already had to drink are helping.

”Ok, just let me know if that changes.” She says, and Alex promises her he will. 

He also promises himself that he’s going to stay as far away from Henry as he can. But when he heads back to their table to get his drink, Nora and June seem to be cozying up to Pez quite well, and Henry is right there beside him.

Alex decides to just grab his drink and head back to the dance floor to avoid any potential problems, but he can feel Henry’s eyes on him as he does.

When Pez and Nora approach him later with another round of shots, Alex doesn’t hesitate. When a group of women he’d been dancing with offer him another, he again agrees. And when one of the women starts dancing closer and wraps her arms around him, he doesn’t stop her. 

He lets himself relax into it, lets the alcohol take over. He loses sight of June and Nora and Henry, and tries to forget. He leans into the woman’s touch as they dance and tries to put all the angry thoughts out of his head.

When he breaks away awhile later to get another drink, he suddenly feels firm hands on his waist, pulling him toward the back wall of the bar. He knows who it is without even having to turn around. They had been exchanging glances for the past hour, every time he looked at the table to check on June and Nora, Henry’s eyes had been on him. Alex couldn’t stop himself from meeting the gaze for a moment before looking away.

As his back is pressed against the wall, Henry moves into his space. His hands are on Alex’s chest, holding him firmly, his body leaning against Alex’s. Alex can smell his cologne, and fuck does that smell do something to him. 

Henry leans his face close to Alex’s ear. “Were you put on this earth solely to drive me crazy?” He hisses. “What do you think you were doing out there, dancing like that? Trying to put on a show?”

Alex has no plans to back down from this fight. “Are you jealous?” Alex growls back. “Can’t have what you really want?” He pushes back against Henry’s grip, but Henry holds him in place.

”Is that it?” Alex adds, as he grabs Henry and forcefully turns him around, pinning him against the wall now. “You just want me all to yourself?”

”How dare you!” Henry snarls as he grabs the back of Alex’s neck and pulls him closer before smashing their lips together.

Alex’s grip on Henry quickly loosens as he melts into the contact. Fuck has he missed this, Henry’s mouth on his, Henry’s hands in his hair and on his body, holding him tight. Every cell in his body feels like it’s on fire, burning up from the contact.

The kiss quickly turns heated, Henry nipping at his bottom lip, sliding his tongue into Alex’s mouth. When he presses his body harder against Henry’s, Henry groans at the contact.

A moment later, Henry turns them around again, once again pinning Alex’s back to the wall with his own body, sliding his thigh between Alex’s legs, and grinding against him. 

Alex knows he’s had a lot to drink. He can taste the whiskey on Henry’s tongue and knows full well he’s not completely sober either. He knows he probably shouldn’t be doing this and that he’s going to regret it tomorrow. But fucking hell he wants it so badly right now, everything else be damned.

When Henry finally breaks the kiss to catch his breath, he leans in so his mouth is close to Alex’s ear. “Come home with me” he whispers before sinking his teeth into that sensitive spot on Alex’s neck that he knows drives him crazy.

Alex quickly lets out a breathy “yes” before he can even think about it. He definitely should not have had that last shot. Or maybe the last three shots. But he doesn’t want to think too hard about any of it right now. Right now, he just wants to go home with Henry, to get his lips on Henry’s body, to feel Henry touch him again. He can pretend for a little while that nothing bad has happened between them. That can be a problem for future Alex to deal with.

Henry’s lips meet Alex’s again, sealing his confirmation with a soft kiss before turning around to survey the bar. “What about…” Alex asks, looking in the direction of the table where Pez and the girls had been standing. Thankfully, it’s dark in the bar and they are not in a direct line of sight, so it’s highly unlikely they saw what happened. But Alex can’t just leave without telling them.

Henry follows his gaze. “I’ll text Pez after we get out of here, he can let them know.” Alex is completely onboard with any plan that does not require him to tell his sister and best friend that he is going home with his ex, who basically broke his heart and who he’s been complaining about non-stop for weeks.

As promised, once they are safely in an Uber on their way to Henry’s place, Henry sends a text to Pez. Alex can’t see exactly what he sent, but he can only imagine Pez’s response when Henry’s phone immediately blows up with a series of text messages in all caps. Henry quickly sets his phone on silent and shoves it in his pocket.

It’s after 1am and the crowd at the bar is dwindling when June starts getting concerned, realizing she hasn’t seen her brother in quite awhile.

”Have you seen Alex?” She asks Nora, who shakes her head. But she gets suspicious when she sees the look on Pez’s face.

”Pez, have you seen Alex?”

“You know, I’m getting quite hungry. Would you care to join me for some nourishment, and perhaps we can discuss this over pancakes?” Pez suggests with a grin. “My treat, of course.”

”Pez, where is Alex?” June growls.

”Would you prefer an omelette instead? The diner down the street makes the best-” Pez asks before June cuts him off.

”PEZ! Where is Alex?” June is stuck halfway between angry and worried now.

“I assure you Alex is fine. He left awhile ago.” Pez explains. “Now how about those pancakes?”

”He went home with Henry, didn’t he?” Nora asks, looking around the bar and realizing she hasn’t seen Henry recently either. Pez had done a good job of distracting them for most of the night.

Pez nods. “Yes, he did.” He can see the steam coming out of June’s ears at his admission. “I had nothing to do with it. I didn’t know until after they had already left.”

”Fucking hell” June yells, grabbing her purse and turning towards the door. “I’m going to break down his damn door and strangle Henry.”

”June, please don’t.” Pez begs. He can see the look in her eyes and knows she would do it. “They are both adults.” 

“Alex has been a complete fucking mess for weeks because of Henry, and we are the ones who have been stuck picking up the pieces. I can’t do this again Pez.”

Pez frowns. “Let’s go somewhere we can talk, ok?” He asks softly, and she hesitantly agrees.

Pez leads them to a 24-hour diner down the street, asking for a booth in the corner. “I”m not talking until you order something” he tells June when they sit down.

As soon as the waitress walks away with their orders, June turns to him. “What do you know?” She demands.

”Henry texted me around 12, saying that they were leaving and asked that I let you both know. I have sent him at least ten messages since, but he hasn’t responded to any.” June and Nora are both listening intently.

”I’m going to kill him!” She hisses, but at this point, neither Nora or Pez are even sure if she’s referring to Alex or Henry.

”I understand you are upset” Pez says calmly, “but there is little you can do to change the situation.” June knows he’s right, but it doesn’t make her feel any better. 

“Henry is a good person.” Pez tells them. “You know him, you know that. He told me you and he would often have tea together after book club.”

This was the part that June had been struggling with the most, the part that she hadn’t told Alex. She did know Henry. For the past year, they would meet up after book club each month, sitting at the coffee house and talking for hours. But after everything happened with Alex, she didn’t know what to do. She didn’t know how it was possible that her friend Henry was the same Henry who had hurt Alex, who had manipulated him and led him on. It didn’t make any sense. 

“If he is such a good person, then what happened with Alex? I believe my brother.” June is trying to school her voice. She doesn’t want to yell or fight with Pez, but she’s still upset.

”I’m sure that everything Alex told you is true.” Pez sighs. “Henry is… complicated.”

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?”

”It was never his intention to hurt Alex. He made some mistakes.” June glares at him, rolling her eyes at his words. “He really does care about Alex.”

”He has a funny way of showing it.” Nora comments.

Chapter Text

When Alex wakes up, his head is pounding, the sun is just starting to peek through the curtains, and it takes him a minute to realize where he is.

He can feel a warm body pressed up against his back, arms wrapped around him tightly, and legs tangled together with his. But one inhale is all he needs to remember. Henry. Everything smells like Henry.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. What did he do? Why is he in what he assumes is Henry’s bedroom? What the fuck happened last night? He is fully panicking and he needs to get out of here now.

He slowly untangles himself from Henry’s body, hoping not to wake him. Once he gets out of the bed, he looks around trying to find his clothes, which are strewn across the floor of the bedroom. He quickly gets dressed, checking his pants pocket for his cell phone, which is completely dead.

Alex opens and closes the bedroom door as softly as possible, breathing a sigh of relief as he reaches the hallway. He makes his way down the stairs and heads to the front door, stopping to slip on his shoes. 

“You don’t have to sneak out” he hears from behind him, and tries not to jump out of his skin.

”Bea” he gasps as he turns around, finding Bea standing a few feet away, holding a mug of what he assumes is tea in her hand.

”Sorry, didn’t mean to startle you.” He sighs and relaxes his shoulders at her words. “Is Henry up?”

Alex shakes his head, and he can see the judgmental look on her face. “Can I make you a cup of tea?”

He really should go. He wants to get out of here before Henry wakes up. He’s regretting all of his life choices right now and his head is still pounding. But he can tell by the look on Bea’s face that she wants to talk and make sure he’s ok. “I would love some coffee” he finally replies.

Bea ushers him into the kitchen and he takes a seat at the counter as Bea makes him a cup of coffee. “Do you have any cinnamon?” He asks as she hands him the mug.

She opens a cabinet and looks around for a minute, before pulling out a container. “This must be new. It doesn’t look like it’s ever been opened.” She comments as she hands it to him.

She takes a seat near him and watches as he takes a few sips of his drink and thanks her. ”How did you know I was here?”

”I saw your coat and shoes by the door.” She admits. “But also, Pez texted last night, letting me know that you two left together.”

“Oh god” he groans. The finer details of the previous evening are starting to come back to him. Oh god. It was just sloppy kisses and sloppier hand jobs, but they were drunk and he knows he can be kind of loud. He puts his head in his hands. “Please tell me you didn’t hear anything.”

”Oh Christ no. This house is incredibly soundproof.” Bea teases. “And thankfully my room is on a different floor.”

”Thank fuck” he huffs, trying to hide the embarrassment on his face.

”Alex, you know that it’s ok, right? You are allowed.” Bea says.

Alex shakes his head. ‘I fucked up” he finally admits. “I was really drunk. It was so stupid.” He covers his face with his hands as he thinks back to the previous evening. He knew then, even with the alcohol, that he would regret it. And now…

”Alex” Bea sighs. She’s worried about both of them and doesn’t know how to help without completely overstepping.

”Why can’t I just say no to him?” Alex grumbles. “I could have walked away, I could have avoided him. Instead, I just egged him on until I got his attention.”

”Sometimes it’s just not that easy.” Bea explains. “You have history together.” She’s watching Alex carefully, waiting for him to relax a little and hopefully start acknowledging her words. ”Beating yourself up about it isn’t going to make things any better.”

Alex takes a deep breath and tries to process. “Then what do I do about it? About him?” He knows it’s stupid to even ask, especially her, but he doesn’t know what else to do right now.

”Part of me wishes I could just lock the two of you in a room and make you talk.” Bea smiles, and Alex gives her a look.

”We already tried that, it was an epic failure.” He reminds her.

”I mean really talk, honestly. Not fight or argue or pull each other’s pigtails or antagonize each other.” Bea explains, but then catches herself. “But my opinion doesn’t matter here. What do you want?”

”Shaan asked me the same thing.” Alex admits with a sigh. Bea can see from the expression on his face that he doesn’t have an answer.

”Only you can decide that.” She reminds him, and Alex nods. He’s more than aware of that fact.

”Are you going to tell Shaan?” He asks, his voice a little softer than before.

”No, but you will.” It’s not her place, she has no intention of violating Alex’s privacy. But she also knows it’s important that he’s honest with Shaan.

Alex takes a few minutes to process the conversation. He drinks his coffee and looks around the house, taking it all in. “Your house is beautiful. When you said you lived with your brother, this is nothing like what I pictured.”

”Thank you.” Bea smiles. “It’s big enough that we each have our own space, but we still have each other close and never feel alone.”

Alex can read between the lines. Bea had previously admitted there was some family trauma, so it makes a lot of sense. “Can I ask how you afford this?” He knows it’s rude and incredibly nosy, but he can’t help himself.

Bea nods, but it takes her a minute to find the words to explain. “Our dad passed away when we were teenagers.” She doesn’t need to explain the rest, he gets it. 

But so many other pieces of the puzzle are starting to fall into place as he thinks about it. “He’s not a bad person, is he?”

Bea shakes her head. “No, he’s not.” And as much as Alex knows she’s talking about her own brother and would never say anything bad about him, something about her confirmation give him some comfort and reassurance.

Alex finishes his cup of coffee and thanks her for the talk. “Please take care of yourself” she reminds him on his way out.

When Henry wakes up, the room is too bright and his head is pounding. He looks around angrily before reaching for his cell phone to check the time. He’s shocked to discover it’s well after 10am. “What the hell?” He grumbles to himself. He can’t remember the last time he slept this late, or this well.

But when his head sinks back into his pillow, he inhales deeply and gets a whiff of a familiar scent. Alex. He sits up quickly, noticing his clothes strewn all over the room and his sheets and blankets twisted and tangled.

His brain starts to replay the previous evening. Going to the bar with Pez, running into June and Alex. Bringing Alex home.

Jesus Christ. Alex was here, in his room, in his bed. The last thing he remembers is falling asleep tangled in Alex’s arms.

“Fucking hell” he groans.

When he finally manages to get up, he puts on some clothes and drags himself to the bathroom before heading downstairs, desperately in need of some tea.

Bea is sitting at the counter staring at her computer screen when he makes his way into the kitchen. Even though she has an empty plate and a cup of tea next to her, he knows she’s only there because she’s waiting for him.

“Morning” she says as he walks in and heads toward the kettle, filling it with water. “Did you sleep well?”

”What do you know?” Henry asks.

She shakes her head. “Why don’t you just tell me your perspective?”

Henry relaxes his shoulders and rolls his head, trying to get rid of some of the tension building in his neck. “Do I have to?”

”Yes” she insists, patting the space next to her. 

After he prepares his tea, he sits down at the counter, but doesn’t say anything. He can tell by the way Bea is looking at him that she probably knows everything already.

“I spoke with Alex.” Bea finally admits, and Henry nods. Bringing Alex home, it was a distinct possibility that he would run into Bea.

“I’ve never judged you for how you’ve chosen to live your life. I understand why you’ve made many of the choices you have, and whether I agree with them or not, I won’t interfere. You are allowed to do whatever you please, as long as you are not hurting yourself or anyone else.” Bea is trying not to lecture, but she needs to get this out.

”But now, I’ve hurt Alex.” Henry retorts.

”Yes.” Bea confirms. “And Hen, you’ve hurt yourself also.”

Henry’s next session with his therapist, Amy, is spent discussing Alex. Henry knows he owes him a sincere apology and an honest explanation, but he is struggling to find the courage to actually do it. 

“You are a writer, use your words.” Amy encourages him. “An apology doesn’t have to be face to face. If you can express yourself better on paper, do it.”

Henry had written hundreds, if not thousands, of words already in his journal about his feelings for Alex, about everything he wished he had said and everything had been holding back.

”But you need to be realistic also. There is a chance he will never respond, or respond negatively. I want to make sure you are prepared for that.”

”It really can’t get any worse.” Henry admits.

“Henry, you haven’t been in a good place for awhile now. Something like this can cause you to spiral..” Henry knows she’s right, and Bea expressed the same concern to him the last time they spoke. Ever since things went bad with Alex, he hasn’t been himself. He’s been struggling to keep his head above water, not to go to the dark place.

He has struggled with anxiety and depression ever since his dad died. It took him a long time to get to a good place, to get into therapy and on medication that worked for him. But even with all of that, sometimes he still struggles.

Part of the reason that he and Bea decided to live together when they both settled in New York was so they could take care of each other, look out for each other, and make sure the other was never alone. When things got bad for him, he always had Bea.

After the session with Amy, he thought a lot about her suggestion for an apology. He had contemplated sending Alex flowers, or showing up on his doorstep asking to talk, but it never felt right. He didn’t want to force himself on Alex or make him feel pressured to talk. If Alex was ever going to speak to him again, it needed to be on his terms.

In the end, he decided an email was the best place to start. 

To: Alex <[email protected]>

From: Henry Fox <[email protected]>

Subject: My Most Sincere Apologies

Dear Alex,

No amount of apologies can make up for how I have hurt you, but I owe it to you to try.

If you never read beyond this point, please know that I am truly sorry for how I have behaved and that you deserve so much better than that.

I know I have made many mistakes in the past few months, and I will never forgive myself for the pain I have caused you. I have no excuse, nor would I expect you to accept any that I may provide.

You are the most amazing person I have ever met, and if I had the opportunity to start all over, I would do so in a heartbeat.

There are so many things that I’ve wanted to tell you and wanted to share with you, but I didn’t know how. I have always been better at expressing myself using the written word rather than spoken. I hope that this method of communication may help me find the words to do so.

I know you like lists, so I thought perhaps I may start with a list.

10 Things You Didn’t Know About Henry

1. I grew up in a wealthy family in London. We had servants who took care of all of our needs, and as a result, I never learned to cook or do laundry.
2. It took some time and a few loads of ruined clothes after moving out on my own, but I have finally mastered the laundry machines.
3. I however still can not cook. The last time I tried, we almost had to call the fire department, and Bea has since forbidden me from using the stove or oven without supervision. She needn’t worry though, I am too scared to even try again.
4. I have always known I was gay. Even at a young age, before I had a name for it, I knew I was different.
5. My first kiss was with a boy named William. I was 14 and we went to school together.
6. After finishing university, Pez and I moved to New York together. I was starting a graduate program here and he refused to let me be alone in a foreign country.
7. As a child and teen, my dream was to be a writer and live in Paris.
8. My dream is still to be a writer. I love teaching, but I want more than that too.
9. While I have helped co-write and edit multiple published works, I have never submitted any of my own work for review.
10. Pez and Bea are my best friends, but really also my only friends. I have always struggled getting close to others. I truly believe the only reason Pez and I are friends is because he forced himself upon me and refused to take no for an answer.

There is so much more I want and need to say, but I’ve droned on long enough for one day, so I will end here.

If you are still reading this far, all I can say is thank you for giving me the opportunity. The opportunity to get to know you and the opportunity to try to share a little of myself with you.

Regards,

Henry

Henry didn’t expect a response, he didn’t really expect Alex to even read the entire email. He knew that one email would not lead to a miracle, but a little part of him was hopeful that this could be a step in the right direction.

Chapter Text

Alex was doing as best as could be expected considering the recent events. After his conversation with Bea, he promptly went home, crawled into his own bed, and screamed into his pillow. He allowed himself a few hours to spiral before dragging himself out of bed and on a long run.

He avoided June and Nora, and was grateful when they accepted his lame excuses for missing whatever activities they had planned.

He wasn’t sure what to expect from his session with Shaan. After a few weeks, they were starting to find a good rhythm, and Alex was getting more comfortable with him. He had promised Bea he would be honest about Henry, and he was.

So after Alex shared what had happened that night, and how Alex was feeling afterward, they talked about the reality that Alex may never get the closure he wants from the situation. While it was a hard pill to swallow, Alex was starting to resign himself to that reality. 

But when he received an email a few days later from Henry, his brain immediately went into overdrive.

Alex was in the middle of a client call when the message popped up in his inbox. He read the subject line, but knew better than to click on the email. He needed to focus on work and he didn’t want to be distracted.

But in reality, the rest of the day he was distracted by it. He couldn’t stop thinking about the email, wondering what Henry could possibly have to say. Alex managed to control himself not to read it at work, but it didn’t stop his brain from running away with itself, contemplating the possibilities.

Contemplating those possibilities soon spiraled into more, including how Alex would react to each of the possible options. Alex was grateful when the day finally ended and he could go home and be alone with his thoughts.

Alex forced himself to eat something, reheating some leftovers he found in the fridge. He quickly changed out of his work clothes and immediately crashed on the couch with his food and opened his email. 

He took a deep breath before reading.

No amount of apologies can make up for how I have hurt you

I owe it to you to try

If you never read beyond this point

I am truly sorry for how I have behaved

You deserve so much better than that

I know I have made many mistakes

I will never forgive myself for the pain I have caused you 

If I had the opportunity to start all over, I would do so in a heartbeat

There are so many things that I’ve wanted to tell you, but I didn’t know how 

Alex couldn’t even finish reading the message. He had to stop multiple times, reread the same sentences over and over. He tried not to cry, tried not to get overly emotional about it, but he couldn’t help himself. He’d been on edge ever since the morning he left Henry’s house, his emotions had been all over the place, and even though his conversation with Shaan had helped, he was still trying to pull himself back together.

Instead, he locked his phone and threw it to the other side of the couch. He needed a minute, needed to pull himself together, needed to think and process. And he needed a drink.

In the end, he curled up with a bottle of Maker’s and tried to drink away his sorrows.

Alex woke up the next morning hungover from the whiskey and sore from sleeping on the couch. When he finally found his phone, he quickly scrolled through his work calendar, and was relieved to see he doesn’t have any important meetings, and promptly decided to work from home and try to get another hour or two of sleep.

After a shower and coffee, he tried to focus on work, but couldn’t stop thinking about the note from Henry. He hadn’t even read the entire thing and was completely overwhelmed by the words.

He finally gave up on work, slammed his laptop shut and grabbed for his phone. He needed to know what else Henry said, and he couldn’t wait any longer.

I know you like lists

I never learned to cook or do laundry

My dream was to be a writer and live in Paris

My dream is still to be a writer

Pez and Bea are my best friends, but really also my only friends

I have always struggled getting close to others

There is so much more I want and need to say

After finishing reading it though, Alex wasn’t spiraling anymore. Instead, he had so many questions, so much more he now wanted to know and understand. But he didn’t know what to do about it, or whether he was ready.

Once Henry finished writing the first email, it felt like the floodgates had opened. He had so much more he wanted to say, so much more he needed to get out. So he continued writing.

To: Alex <[email protected]>

From: Henry Fox <[email protected]>

Subject: The Most Beautiful Man

The most beautiful man I had ever seen in my life I discovered at a dingy bar in New York on a random Friday night.

I don’t even know what about him I noticed first. Was it his beautiful smile, chiseled jawline, chin dimple, or the most expressive big brown eyes I had ever seen, surrounded by eyelashes longer than should be legal?

It didn’t matter. From first glance, I was hooked.

I wasn’t even supposed to be there that night. Pez had other plans for us, but I had an overwhelming day at work and I wasn’t up for much excitement, so at the last minute, he sent me the address of a place nearby and told me to meet him there. I had already ordered myself a drink by the time I saw the message that he wasn’t going to make it.

As I stood at the bar sipping my drink, looking around the room and trying to decide what to do with my evening, our eyes first met. I just couldn’t look away, he was mesmerizing.

It took some liquid courage to approach him, but when I finally did, his smooth voice and soft southern accent drew me in even more. I was immediately obsessed.

When we first kissed, it felt like I had been struck by lightening. The electricity between us was more than I had ever experienced in my life. He kissed like his life depended on it, and I couldn’t get enough. He took my breath away in so many ways. 

I was disappointed when he turned down my offer to take things further. I thought he wasn’t interested in me, so I didn’t ask for his number for fear of further rejection.

But when I saw him again a few weeks later, looking even more radiant than before, I couldn’t stay away. It felt like a magnet was pulling me towards him. 

I tried to convince myself the attraction was just physical. I tried to convince myself that the way he looked at me wasn’t special, that he was just being polite when he asked questions about me or listened carefully to my words.

I tried not to read into it when we talked for hours about nothing and everything, or when he asked to cuddle late at night instead of sending me away. Deep down, I knew the truth though. I had never met anyone like him before, and I knew I would never again. I lied to myself, tried to ignore my feelings, tried to convince myself that he could never want me, that I could never have him.

And now, I have gotten exactly what I deserved. I have hurt him and lost him and ruined myself in the process. I know I will never be the same.

I hope one day that he will be able to forgive me for what I have done, and that I will be able to forgive myself.

Regards,

Henry

Alex knew he would only be able to avoid June for so long. So when she texted him a few days later offering him dinner just the two of them, he knew he didn't have a choice.

The thing was though, he did want to talk to her, he just didn’t really know what to say. But he needed his big sister right now, so he didn’t hesitate to accept her offer.

He loved Nora, she is his best friend, but this wasn’t a conversation for her. He didn’t want cold and unfeeling probabilities or statistics or an analysis of his relationship with Henry. He needed someone who would listen to him rant about his stupid feelings and why he can’t get Henry out of his head. And that was definitely not Nora.

But June, his hopeless romantic of big sister, was what he needed.

“Are you mad?” Alex asks as soon as he walks into June’s apartment.

”About what?” He can see the confused look on her face. She’s stirring a pot on the stove, finishing up dinner.

“The other night?” He doesn’t want to even say the words right now. The night that he went home with Henry. He’s still embarrassed about it and afraid that she will judge him for it.

June lays the spoon on the counter and lowers the flame on the stove before turning to him. “Sit” she says, ushering him to the table.

“I’m just worried about you.” She admits once they both get settled. But he gives her a look, knowing there’s more to the story than that. “I was mad initially. Pez unfortunately took the brunt of it that night.”

”I’m sorry” he mumbles. “I will apologize to Pez also.”

”I didn’t want you getting hurt again.” She says with a sigh. “I know you really liked him.”

”I still do” Alex admits. He doesn’t know if he should be embarrassed about his feelings at this point, but he doesn’t want to hide them from his sister either.

”I know” she admits. “Have you talked to him?”

”He’s been sending me emails.” Alex tells her, and she looks at him in surprise. “I just don’t know what to think anymore.”

”Can I help?”

”If I let you read them, promise you won’t judge me?” June looks at him curiously. “I just need another opinion.”

Alex pulls up the first email and hands June his phone. Once she’s finished, he scrolls to the second one, which he only received that morning and is still trying to digest.

”Wow” June mumbles as she finishes reading and returns the phone to him.

”What do you think?”

But June doesn’t answer his question. “For the past year, after book club, Henry and I would get tea and sit and talk. I thought I had gotten to know him pretty well from our conversations.” She sighs. “When you told me he was the same person that you had been dating, I was shocked. The stories you told me about him just didn’t make sense.”

Alex closes his eyes and shakes his head. “These emails are from the Henry that I got to know, the professor who goes to book club and has a therapy dog.”

She pauses for a moment until Alex looks at her again. “Pez reminded me of that the other night. I know him, or at least I know this side of him.”

To: Alex <[email protected]>

From: Henry Fox <[email protected]>

Subject: Family

My dad died when I was barely 17, and not a day goes by that I don’t still think of him and miss him dearly. It all happened so fast, it felt like one moment he was absolutely fine and the next he was gone, cancer having taken him from us so suddenly.

Growing up, my parents seemed to have the perfect relationship, they loved each other and cared for each other so much, and all of that love so easily spilled onto us. I could only hope that one day I would be lucky enough to meet someone who loved me half as much as my parents loved each other.

But his death tore apart our family. My mother has never gotten over it, quickly becoming a shell of herself, barely leaving her room or even talking to her children. My brother threw himself into his work, joining our grandmother in business and pretending we didn’t exist, leaving Bea and to basically fend for ourselves.

Everyone handles grief differently. Bea turned to alcohol and drugs to cope. I found different unhealthy mechanisms to try to drown my feelings. Neither worked.

With a lot of therapy and support, we both managed to get our lives back on track, but not without permanent damage.

For me, it comes in many forms. I suffer from depression, and while medication usually helps, I still struggle sometimes. I have bad days, when I can’t get out of bed and my grief overtakes me. I have been in therapy for many years now, and accept the reality that I likely always will be.

Seeing how my dad’s death destroyed my mother also made me lose all faith in the concept of love. I long ago decided I would rather spend my life alone rather than suffer the way she has. I shut everyone out, never got close to anyone. It was just easier that way. If I never let anyone in, I could never get hurt. It always seemed so simple to me. 

Until I met you.

You got under my skin. You were so real and authentic and didn’t pretend to be anything you weren’t. I envied your ability to be yourself, not to hide any part of you, and not to be ashamed of who you are. 

You are the most beautiful person I have ever met, both inside and out. You’ve made me want to change, want to be better, want to take a chance. And Christ I am trying.

Regards,

Henry

Chapter Text

“I just don’t want to get hurt again. I can’t…” Alex explains to Shaan during their next session. He had shared Henry’s emails with him and had been struggling with how to process. “I don’t know what to do with this.”

”You know that you don’t have to read his messages, you can delete them or block him if you wanted.” Shaan reminds him, but he knows Alex would never do that. 

“I need to” Alex admits. “I need to understand. I want to know what I did wrong.”

”Alex, you didn’t do anything wrong. It doesn’t always work like that. It wasn’t like you cheated on him or lied to him or anything. Sometimes two people aren’t on the same page or want different things or are in different places.” He explains, but he can see by the look on Alex’s face that his words aren’t helping.

”Tell me about your last relationship, before Henry. How did things end?”

Alex takes a deep breath, hesitating a little. Shaan can see by his body language and tense shoulders that he struck a nerve. “The last few women I went out with just sort of fizzled after a few dates.”

Shaan watches him carefully, knowing there’s much more to the story that he isn’t saying. “What about before that? Any that made it beyond a few dates?”

Alex frowns. “More than one told me that I talk too much or I am too much and no matter how hot I am, it’s not worth it. Some were so incredibly boring or had absolutely nothing to talk about, or were so full of themselves and didn’t care what I had to say. None of them… even compared to Henry.” Alex sighs. “Henry was different.”

Henry was different. He is different. Even with all the secrets and things he didn’t share, the way he talked to Alex, the way he listened to Alex was so  different from anyone he had dated. Henry always gave Alex his full attention, even when Alex rambled for an hour about gerrymandering or whatever else he felt was wrong with the American political system.

Henry would push back, would debate him, would argue with him. Henry could keep up with how fast Alex’s mind moved, and never judged him or looked at him differently because of it. Henry seemed to accept Alex for who he was, flaws and all. That was something Alex had only ever experienced before with Nora and June.

The more he thought about it, the more it was starting to make sense why it had been so hard for him to just walk away from Henry. And why he knows he can’t now.

Alex C-D 🤠

can we meet up for coffee one night?

and maybe talk

Blond Haired Asshole (DO NOT ANSWER)

Yes, I’d like that. As long as you promise to order decaf

Alex C-D 🤠

you and i both know i function better when well caffeinated

Blond Haired Asshole (DO NOT ANSWER)

Perhaps that is what I was counting on

Fucking hell, this is the stupid banter he missed. It just always came so easily to them, the poking and teasing. It was part of what drew Alex in, someone who could go toe to toe with him like that.

They agreed to meet at a coffeehouse between their places a few nights later. Neutral territory, Alex told himself. 

Alex had so many questions. He knew he wouldn’t be able to ask most of them, but making a list helped keep him focused and keep his mind from spiraling further.

Henry was already there when Alex arrived, having claimed a quiet table in the back corner. Alex took a deep breath and tried to pull himself together as he approached.

As he looked Henry over, Alex was a little surprised by his appearance. He was used to seeing him in the casual and somewhat provocative clothes that he wore when they went out. Only the day at book club did he ever see Henry dressed differently, in what Alex can only assume is his normal professor attire.

Today, he was dressed as a professor. But even with the conservative, buttoned up outfit, he was still fucking hot, and Alex knew he needed to control himself.

”Hi” Alex breathes out, a little softer than he expected.

Henry immediately turns to face him and stands up. “Alex, hi. Thanks for coming.”

They stand awkwardly for a moment, both unsure what to say or do. Finally Henry breaks the silence. “Can I get you a drink?”

Alex requests a decaf coffee, as promised, and takes a seat while Henry steps up to the counter to order. When Henry returns, they both remain quiet for a moment. Alex takes the opportunity to look around, carefully inspecting the place. He is thankful that there are only a few other customers lingering this late in the day, and they had some privacy.

”How do you not know how to cook?” Alex finally blurts out.

Henry smiles nervously. “I just never learned as a child. More recently, I have tried to teach myself from recipes and YouTube videos, but haven’t been successful.”

”Such a shame. Your kitchen is amazing, I would kill to have that in my apartment.” Alex muses.

”You are more than welcome to use it any time. I assure you, Bea and I will never truly appreciate it.” Henry replies, before realizing what he’s just offered. He tries to hide his discomfort by taking a sip of his tea and fiddling with the mug.

Alex tries to laugh. “You better watch it, I might take you up on that.” He jokes, but there is so much tension in the air between them, it just makes the words more uncomfortable. 

They sit silently with their drinks, each taking a few sips, unsure what to say next.

”Thank you for the emails” Alex eventually interjects, and Henry nods. “I’m sorry about your dad, I can’t even imagine.”

”Thank you” Henry says quietly. “I wasn’t sure if you would read them.”

Alex looks down at his drink, avoiding eye contact. He had been watching Henry carefully until then. “It took me a minute.” He admits with a frown.

”I am truly sorry for hurting you.” Henry adds. “And I understand if you can’t forgive me. But I would like to at least try to answer any questions you might have.”

Alex nods and tries to run through his list in his head. He had so many, he doesn’t even know where to start. “What do you teach?”

”This semester, I have two courses focused on British literature, another on romantic poetry, and an advanced writing seminar. But it can change each semester.” Henry explains.

“We know your favorite author is Austen, but what do you write? Any particular genre?”

”Queer romance” Henry quickly replies with a smile. “And poetry of course.”

”How many books have you helped write?”

”Three.” He admits. “The one you read was the most recent.”

”But none of your own?” Alex has a quizzical look on his face that makes Henry smile.

”Some day.” He muses. Alex is watching him carefully. “I don’t think I’m quite ready for that just yet.”

Alex nods at the words. He knows there is a lot more behind that answer, but not something to explore right now. “Why New York?”

”I ran away” Henry says quietly, looking down at his almost empty cup. Something about his tone is unsettling to Alex, the words so raw and honest.

“From what?”

Henry looks around the room, trying to ensure no one is within earshot. He just wants some privacy to say what he needs to. “My grandmother is not a nice person. She had said and done some awful things to me and Bea after Dad died. I needed to distance myself from her and my brother. Bea remained in England to finish her degree, she followed me once she was done.”

Alex could see the sadness in his eyes, and it was something he had never experienced before. They had talked and joked around many times, and he’d seen Henry’s passion spill out in different conversations, but nothing like this. He’d never seen him upset or even slightly off-kilter, except of course for the drunken encounter a few weeks earlier, but he knows that was just pure jealousy. 

“London also holds a lot of ghosts. I needed a fresh start.”

“I’m sorry” Alex whispers, watching him carefully. “Thank you for telling me.” It is only now starting to click with Alex how important this moment is, how important this conversation is. Yes, they’ve been through a lot and it’s taken a lot to get here, but he can tell that Henry is trying, and that it is not easy in any way.

“June told me that you and she were friendly.” Alex commented, hoping to lighten the mood a little.

“Yes” Henry sighs. “Your sister is lovely. She talked about you a lot, I just didn’t realize…” his voice trails off.

”All lies, I’m sure” Alex jokes and Henry smiles.

“She is very proud of you, and rather protective as well.” Henry notes.

“As all big sisters should be” Alex reminds him, “don’t forget I know Bea!”

”Yes, that one will be rather hard to forget.” Henry grumbles, but he still has a smile on his face. “Did she catch you trying to sneak out?”

Alex laughs. “She scared the crap out of me, I didn’t realize she was in the kitchen.” Henry smiles. “I wasn’t sneaking out, I just…” Alex shrugs. “When I woke up, I panicked.”

Henry looks at him curiously. “What would have happened if I was there in the morning? We were both really drunk.”

Henry’s lips quirk. He hadn’t really thought about that. “I don’t really know.”

”Bea said something awhile ago, that you never bring people home. And when I asked you to stay over at my place, you said no.” The resigned look on Henry’s face speaks volumes.

”I don’t.” He admits with a sigh. ”Christ, I sound like a fool.”

Alex frowns. “I have always lived two separate lives. It was part of a defense mechanism, to protect myself, to ensure I didn’t get hurt or get too close to anyone. Never bringing anyone home and never spending the night with anyone were some of the boundaries I imposed on myself.” He can see the sad look on Alex’s face as he tries to explain.

“But I also suffer from insomnia. I struggle to sleep, so even if I wanted to stay with you, I would never feel comfortable. I would never want anyone else to have to deal with that.”

Alex had already had this argument with him. Henry made that decision himself, never giving Alex the choice to decide what he was willing to deal with, and Alex was still a little bitter about it. “You didn’t seem to have any trouble falling asleep that night.” Alex snarks. 

“No, I didn’t.” Henry admits. “I wish I could blame the alcohol, but I know that is not the case.”

”Are you implying that I put you to sleep?” Alex is trying to make a joke, trying to stay calm. The last time they talked, the conversation went south very quickly, and Alex does not want a repeat performance. They had been doing ok so far.

”Yes” Henry breathes. “Alex, you are so very different.”

It’s not that Alex doesn’t believe him, but he just doesn’t know how to process the words. There is so much that Henry has shared, both in his emails and now in this conversation, and Alex is still trying to take it all in. 

“Inviting you over a few weeks ago, even if just to talk, was significant for me. It might sound simple to you, but I don’t… do that.” Henry shakes his head as he explains.

Alex wants to ask why, but Henry has already tried to explain it multiple times. Alex has heard the words, heard the reasoning, but he’s struggling to accept it. 

“So which one is the real you? The buttoned up professor in front of me now who willingly speaks, not holding anything back, or the closed off person I originally met?”

Henry looks down at his empty mug for a moment. “I think a little of both.”

”I appreciate you being honest, I appreciate the emails. As my mom would say, ‘better late than never’, but… what am I supposed to do with that?” Alex shrugs, he doesn’t know what more to say. Henry had said a lot in his emails, but that wasn’t enough for Alex, it didn’t feel real like that.

Henry takes a deep breath and closes his eyes as the words come out. “I don’t want you to hate me.”

“I don’t hate you.” Alex quickly replies. And it is true, he doesn’t hate Henry. But it’s just not that simple. Henry had been very open and honest with him tonight, and Alex knows it’s his turn to reciprocate. “I was really angry, but I could never hate you.”

“Are you still angry?”

Alex shrugs. “I don’t think it’s that simple. I can’t just forgive and forget.”

”I would never expect you to.” Henry asserts. From what he’s learned about Alex, he knew this would not be a simple conversation, and he would never want it to be. The person sitting across from him is the first person he’s ever met who he truly wanted to get to know, wanted to spend time with, felt a connection with. Alex’s depth and complexity was part of what drew him to Alex in the first place.

But there was also the reality that one conversation could only go so far. Henry wanted more. More time with Alex, more of Alex. He knew if anything was going to happen, he would need to work for it.

As Henry looked around the cafe, he realized they were the only ones left, and the staff was getting ready to close. They would need to end here for now.

”It’s getting late” Alex notes, following Henry’s gaze.

It’s a weeknight, and Henry knows they both need to work tomorrow. “Yes, we should get going.” Henry confirms. “Thank you for reaching out and meeting me. It means a lot.” 

There is more that Henry wants to say, but this is not the time nor the place. Instead, Henry watches the soft smile on Alex’s face as they stand up and put their coats on in silence.

Alex follows Henry to the door, thanking him for holding it open as Alex walks through. They stand awkwardly on the sidewalk for a minute before Alex finally says a breathy goodbye and heads off into the darkness.

Chapter Text

Alex fell asleep that night replaying their conversation, and woke up the next morning the same way. While he was appreciative of Henry’s honesty and attempt at making amends, he still has a long way to go before truly forgiving him. He’ll definitely have a lot to discuss with Shan this week.

His feelings for Henry hadn’t changed, not that he thought they would. Even when he was furious at him and hurt by what he had done, he was still completely obsessed with the man. There was something about Henry that drew him in, he just couldn’t explain it. 

He promised June he would be careful though, and he was trying. He listened to Henry, he let him speak, he asked questions, it was a good step. But he didn’t know what came next, if anything.

It took all of Alex’s willpower to not reach out to Henry. He didn’t want to start that again, to get drawn back into his orbit. He knew he wouldn’t be able to say no and he would end up getting himself into trouble, or worse, getting hurt again.

So instead, he threw himself into work and tried not to think too much about Henry or his sparkling blue eyes that seemed to look deep into Alex’s soul.

To: Alex <[email protected]>

From: Henry Fox <[email protected]>

Subject: Thank You And More

Thank you for meeting with me, for listening, and most importantly for being open with me. I appreciate it more than you know.

There was something more I wanted to say, wanted to explain, but I couldn’t bring myself to when we met. Partly out of fear that I would make you uncomfortable, but partly because I felt this needed to be shared in private. This way, I can hide behind my keyboard, and give you time on your own to process the words.

There was a reason I was upset when I found out you had never been with a man before. The fault for this is completely on me, I should have followed my instincts or should have asked, but it felt too personal and intrusive in the moment, and you didn’t owe me that information. 

My first time with a man was not a good experience, and that is not something I would ever wish upon another person. It took me a long time to move beyond it and to feel comfortable in that type of situation again. Even years later, I wonder if I will ever truly be able to put it completely behind me.

When I realized I was your first, I couldn’t help but panic and remember my own experience, fearing that you could have felt similarly in that moment but were too afraid to speak up.

I know you aren’t young and you aren’t inexperienced, but that part of the equation was new for you. I treated our interaction as a hookup, a mutually beneficial arrangement with a common end goal. I didn’t stop to think or look at the situation to see what was really going on, but I should have.

I want to apologize. For not seeing what was right in front of me, for not stopping and asking and checking in with you. For making assumptions. And for possibly pushing you into a situation you were not ready for. That seems like the very least I could have done, and should have always done with someone I didn’t know. 

You deserve so much better than that, so much better than I have given you. Please know that.

Regards,

Henry

Alex contemplates responding, trying to explain, telling Henry that he always felt completely comfortable and safe and cared for when they were together. Apologizing for what Henry experienced. But he can’t stop thinking about what Henry shared about his own situation, and he can’t move beyond that admission. While Henry didn’t straight out say what had happened, Alex can read between the lines and he knows it wasn’t good.

More and more, Alex is starting to understand why Henry is so closed off. At first, he was angry at him, thinking Henry was selfish and heartless, but now he realizes it’s the complete opposite, and he feels awful about it.

He doesn’t want to discuss this with Henry in an email, cold and unfeeling with too much room for misunderstanding. If they ever do talk about it, it needs to be in person, in a quiet place where they both feel comfortable and safe. But that’s a big if, and he knows it.

So for now, he just takes it in, tries to digest the new information, and tries to move forward.

Blond Haired Asshole (DO NOT ANSWER)

If you don’t have plans on Saturday, would you like to join me for dinner?

Pez has reservations to some fancy new place with a months long waiting list,

but he will be out of town and insists they don’t go to waste.

Alex C-D 🤠

your treat?

Blond Haired Asshole (DO NOT ANSWER)

Of course.

Alex C-D 🤠

i could be convinced

how fancy we talkin?

Blond Haired Asshole (DO NOT ANSWER)

[La Rosa Ze New York]

Alex C-D 🤠

wtf

this place is insane

Blond Haired Asshole (DO NOT ANSWER)

My apologies, it would definitely not be my choice, but Pez made me promise.

I need someone with whom to share the pain.

Alex C-D 🤠

is he playing us? this seems a little suspicious 

Blond Haired Asshole (DO NOT ANSWER)

To be honest, the thought had crossed my mind.

But I do believe he had a date already arranged. He seemed truly disappointed to miss it.

Alex C-D 🤠

if it sucks, can we ditch out and get tacos?

Blond Haired Asshole (DO NOT ANSWER)

I could be convinced

When Alex met up with June and Nora for drinks and trivia on Thursday night, the conversation soon turned to their plans for the weekend. Alex had been contemplating whether or not to tell the girls about his dinner with Henry. He was hesitant because knew they would ask questions that he didn’t quite have answers to. But a comment from Nora quickly made the situation much more interesting.

”I was supposed to have a date, but he had a last minute business trip he couldn’t get out of” Nora tells them as she sips on her beer.

”That sounds like an excuse. Maybe he’s just not that into you” June teases in response. 

“Oh, I assure you, he is fully into me.” Nora snaps back with a giant smile. “He had reservations to La Rosa Ze, he’s been dying to try it.”

“You had a date with Pez!” Alex exclaims, before realizing that his statement may have provided a little extra information. 

June looks at him suspiciously, before Nora joins in. “Maybe I did. But how would you know?”

Alex laughs at himself and his own slip up. He quickly debates his options, before finally admitting the truth, but not without getting his own little dig in first. “Well, Pez really is out of town, so that part was not an excuse.”

Nora smiles at June with an extra sparkle in her eye.

”Pez gave the reservations to Henry instead. He invited me with him.” He adds. 

“Oohhh fancy.” June immediately teases, a big grin on her face. “Why didn’t you tell us you had a date?”

”It’s not a date. We’ve just going to dinner.” Alex tries to defend himself, but as he does, he realizes that he has no idea whether it is a date or not.

”Sounds an awful lot like a date to me. He invited you to a fancy restaurant, I’m sure he’s paying.” Nora chirps. She’s not making this any easier.

Alex only had a few beers, but Nora and June’s words were spinning in his head. He honestly hadn’t thought much about it since Henry’s invite. Work had been busy and he kept himself well distracted so he wouldn’t fixate too much on it and whether or not this was a date. Or more importantly, whether he wanted it to be. 

But as he made his way home that night, he couldn’t stop thinking about it, and he had to know.

Alex C-D 🤠

so… awkward question, but is this a date?

Blond Haired Asshole (DO NOT ANSWER)

Oh, well. Would you like it to be?

Alex C-D 🤠

i’m not sure

Blond Haired Asshole (DO NOT ANSWER)

Then let’s just enjoy dinner. No pressure.

Alex C-D 🤠

yeah, ok. thanks

oh yeah, btw, i found out who pez’s date was gonna be

Blond Haired Asshole (DO NOT ANSWER)

Do tell!

Alex C-D 🤠

NORA! 

Blond Haired Asshole (DO NOT ANSWER)

Christ. I should have known.

He does love a good challenge.

Alex C-D 🤠

been there, done that

he will definitely get a run for his money with that one

Blond Haired Asshole (DO NOT ANSWER)

Oh? Something to share with the group?

Alex C-D 🤠

nora and i dated

for like a minute when i was in college

we very quickly realized we were much better as friends

but she is a force of nature

Henry knew he had no right to be jealous. Alex was not his, Alex was never his. They had never talked about previous relationships, he knew very little about Alex’s dating history, and he realizes that was probably on purpose. He never asked nor did he want to know. He didn’t want to even think about it.

It’s none of his business. He has no right to judge. Alex had never judged him or asked about his past or his history.

But now he’s jealous. Even though Alex said it was for a minute, even though he said it was when he was in college, so many years ago at this point, even though he said they realized they were better at friends, and she is clearly interested in Pez, he’s still jealous. He can’t help it.

Alex was looking forward to seeing Henry again, even if it wasn’t a date. Part of him wanted it to be. They had never been on a date before, it was always just hanging out, so this felt significant. 

He also liked that he didn’t have to plan anything, that someone else was doing the hard part and making the effort, even if it was really Pez’s idea. He always dreaded dates where he was expected to decide everything, the activity, the restaurant, and plan an entire evening without knowing if the other person would even enjoy it, or whether they would even make it past the appetizers.

With Henry, he knew they would make it past the appetizers, even if they were arguing. There was something about Henry that kept pulling him back in, making him want to talk, making him want to argue. Even fighting with Henry, as mad as it made him at times, was more invigorating than many of the dates he had been on in the past few years.

He didn’t want to fight with Henry though, not this time. Their last conversation, while challenging and somewhat painful, was a lot to digest. They didn’t fight, they didn’t really disagree, but it was hard for him to process. He didn’t have the energy or desire for that tonight. He just wanted to have a nice dinner and enjoy Henry’s company. 

Alex had tried typing out a few different messages to Henry over the course of the day, trying to find the right words to explain it to him. Yes, Alex wanted to talk about his last email at some point, there were things he wanted to understand. But not right now, not tonight. 

Alex C-D 🤠

can we keep the convo light tonight?

i think i need a break from the deep stuff

Blond Haired Asshole (DO NOT ANSWER)

Yes, of course. I think I do as well

“You look very handsome” Bea tells Henry as she lets herself into his room. She joins David on the bed and tries not to giggle at Henry checking himself out in the mirror.

”Thank you” he replies. “I’m nervous. I shouldn’t be, but alas.”

”Hen, I’m proud of you.” Bea tries to reassure him, but Henry sighs and sits down on the bed with her, reaching out to scratch David behind the ears.

”You are trying to undo years of programming and trauma. That is not easy, and it’s not going to happen overnight. Baby steps.” She reminds him.

”This feels like a giant leap” Henry grumbles. 

“And? That’s not a bad thing. You are trying, you are putting yourself out there. Even if he’s not sure if it’s a date, it’s still important. Spending time together, a fancy dinner, talking and enjoying each other’s company, with no expectation of something more.” She pauses and reaches out to pet David also. “Even if things never turn romantic, maybe you two can find a way to be friends.”

Bea can see the look on his face, she knows what he’s going to say, but she waves her hand to stop him. “It’s ok to have a crush, it’s ok to like someone, it’s ok to fall in love with someone. I know you have spent years telling yourself you can’t, and it’s hard to let go of all of that.”

Henry was waiting outside when Alex arrived at the restaurant. “You look beautiful” Henry offers as Alex approaches, but then realizes his compliment may have been too much, and he can feel his cheeks starting to flush. He clears his throat. “Sorry. That color looks quite nice on you.”

“Thanks” Alex says with a small blush. “You look nice, too.” He doesn’t want to say more or give himself away, but Henry looks amazing.

They walk inside and are quickly escorted to a small table, with two place settings and two chairs, one on each side of the same corner of the table. Alex thinks about how would have preferred a little space between them, but clearly the choice has been made for him.

As they each take a seat, a server approaches. ”Welcome to La Rosa Ze. Thank you for dining with us this evening. Tonight we will be serving our nine-course tasting menu with wine pairings.” He begins to explain, but Alex can’t help the look on his face when he turns to Henry. What the actual fuck? Nine courses?

Henry is trying to keep his expression neutral as he shrugs to Alex. Alex completely misses the rest of what the server tells them, waiting for him to disappear so Henry can speak freely. “Well this is going to be interesting” he teases.

As the first course is brought out, the server explains the dish. “This one is our predator and prey. Wild rabbit and rattlesnake with a sweet teriyaki and saffron glaze.” He places a plate in the center of the table for them to share, before smiling and walking away.

Once the server is out of earshot, Alex rasps “don’t forget you promised tacos if this is awful”. 

Henry can’t hold in a laugh. He picks up his glass of wine, holding it to toast. “Cheers?” He offers, and Alex eventually picks up his glass and clinks the two together.

”Ok, that is really good wine” Alex admits after a sip. He’s not usually a wine drinker, but he will make an exception on occasion. 

As the next few courses are served, they critique each one, coming up with more and more ridiculous insults as they go. “Does Pez really like this kind of thing?” Alex asks as he pokes at the fifth course, some sort of scallop tartare that he can’t quite bring himself to taste. He’s usually an adventurous eater, but this is starting to push even his limits.

”I think he enjoys the glamour of it all. Saying he was here, that he tried the scallop tartare.” Henry shrugs. “But he definitely enjoys the finer things in life, and part of this I think is the experience.”

Alex may be enjoying the wine pairings a little too much, he can feel himself starting to get tipsy, starting to laugh a little too hard as each new course is served. Henry’s smile seems to be getting brighter as time passes, and he finds himself staring.

Going into the evening, he was worried about the conversation, that Henry would bring up something from his last email or another deep or dark subject. But it’s been nothing like that. They’ve just been talking and teasing and having a really nice time together

He’s realizing it’s a completely new experience to him. He doesn’t remember the last time he truly enjoyed himself this much or felt this relaxed and at ease.

But it also feels like some of the early times with Henry, when they would lay in bed in the dark and talk about the most random topics that would go through Alex’s head, Henry always willing to indulge him for hours.

By the time they finish the ninth and final course, Alex is feeling pretty buzzed from all the wine, his stomach full and his body relaxed and content. As they step out of the restaurant and into the street, Alex turns to Henry. “Thank you for dinner. That was… quite an experience.”

“I can’t say I’ve ever had a meal quite like that” Henry laughs. “Definitely an experience.”

They watch each other carefully for a moment, neither knowing what to say next. “I should get home.” Henry finally murmurs, looking toward the ground.

”Yeah, me too” Alex whispers as he shifts his weight to his other foot, trying not to move too much, even though he’s suddenly feeling so jittery that he wants to jump out of his own skin.

Henry leans in and places a soft kiss on his cheek. “Goodnight” he says, and Alex nods before saying the same.

While Henry turns and begins to walk away, Alex remains in his spot for a moment more, trying to collect himself not scream loudly into the night air.

The last glass of wine is hitting Alex as he’s on the subway, halfway home. He’s scrolling through his phone to keep himself entertained, and unconsciously navigates to his text chain with Henry. 

Alex C-D 🤠

i wantd it to b a date

shit fuck sory

kinda drunk

cant delet that msg

pls forget that

Blond Haired Asshole (DO NOT ANSWER)

I had a very nice time as well.

Thank you for joining me.

It took every ounce of control Henry had not to reply with me too. Behind the safety of his screen, Henry was always much more brave. He would have said it without a second thought if Alex hadn’t immediately tried to back peddle on his admission. 

Chapter Text

“How was your date?” June teases Alex over brunch the next day. 

“It wasn’t a date, we just had dinner.” Alex tries to school his expression as best as possible, but he knows his sister can see right through him. It only takes a moment of her giving him that judgmental look of hers before he starts to spill. 

”I’ve never laughed so hard in my life.” Alex admits. “It was the most ridiculous meal I’ve ever had. Nine courses of weird combinations of food, the first was rattlesnake. Like who the fuck serves that at a fancy restaurant?”

June’s eyes go wide at the thought. “It just got more insane from there. We spent the entire meal just making fun of everything.”

”So it sounds like you had a good time?” She inquires.

Alex sighs. “Yeah. It was really nice actually.”

”You seem surprised.” June notes, and Alex cocks his head as he looks at her. “Alex, it’s not that you don’t like him. That was never the problem.”

She’s right though. The issue has always been that Alex liked Henry too much, and Henry didn’t reciprocate his feelings. But now, everything has shifted and they are in a weird limbo, and Alex has no idea what to do or how to handle it.

“Did you know his dad died when he was a kid?” Alex asks later. 

“Yeah, of course. Everyone does.” June replies with a shrug.

”Huh?” A puzzled look quickly spreads across Alex’s face.

June puts her fork down and looks at him. “For fuck’s sake, please tell me you know who Henry’s dad is.”

Alex’s eyes go wide at her question. He has no idea what she’s talking about. “Nooo…” he admits, but knows instantly he’s going to regret this.

“Alex, you were literally obsessed with the man when you were a kid. You watched his movies constantly.” June lectures. “Arthur Fox, he played James Bond.”

Holy fuck. Alex watched his movies on repeat when he was young, he and Oscar bonding over their love for the infamous character. But he hasn’t seen them in years and never even thought about it, never made the connection. Damn, they even look alike. “You didn’t know.” June says, breaking Alex out of his runaway thoughts.

Alex shakes his head. “No. He never said anything. I didn’t put it together.” He suddenly felt completely stupid for not seeing it, not figuring it out sooner.

“It’s not really something he likes to talk about.” June shares. “Last year, we read a book where the main character was struggling with the death of their mother, and afterward, Henry had shared with me how hard it was for him to read it because of his own experiences.”

But Alex quickly loses focus in the conversation, trying to remember everything he can about Arthur Fox. While he had stopped doing Bond movies when Alex was young, he was in a number of other films after that, including some romance movie that he remembers his mother and June watching together years later.

He remembers hearing about his death when he was in high school, cancer maybe. There were pictures of his funeral on the front page of every newspaper, pictures of his wife and children, standing in front of his casket. He remembers how it felt so invasive and disrespectful for anyone to even take those pictures, let alone print them in the newspaper. 

“I remember when he died” Alex finally whispers, looking up to June and realizing she’s been staring at him.

”I can’t imagine how hard it was for Henry.” June adds.

Alex appreciated that June didn’t grill him too much about Henry, but in reality, there really wasn’t anything to grill him about. June knows how he feels, she knows how torn he is and what he’s struggling with. There really isn’t much more to say. Her parting words were probably the most important. “Just be careful.”

June didn’t try discouraging him from spending time with Henry. She knows she’s not going to win that battle and that she can’t control him. But he gets the feeling that she’s also torn by the situation. As she’s even admitted before, she likes Henry, she thinks he’s a good person. But she’s also upset and disappointed with him for how he treated Alex, and she doesn’t want to see Alex hurt even more.

And he’s trying to be careful. With Shaan’s help, Alex has started to set some boundaries for himself, and for his relationship with Henry, whatever it may be. 

First, he will not pursue Henry, he will not text him, he will not reach out to him, he will not initiate any conversations. It’s just self preservation. If Henry contacts him, Alex will respond, but he knows he can’t be the one to start it. Henry needs to be the one making the effort to engage him.

Second, he will not be alone with him. Alex agreed to dinner in a public place, but if Henry asked him to go back to his place, Alex would say no. He needs to not fall into bed with him right now, and he knows how easily that can happen with them.

Third, which was added after their dinner, no alcohol. Fuck, Alex is still embarrassed about that.

While Alex had been selective with the details he shared with June and Nora, he was honest with Shaan about things, including the contents of Henry’s most recent email, and of Alex’s unfortunate drunken texts after their dinner.

”I’m just not ready to close that door yet.” Alex admits. Shaan has been very understanding of Alex’s hesitation to completely shut Henry out. “I haven’t forgiven him, but I’m starting to understand. I do think deep down he is a good person.”

”In a perfect world, what would you want? Would you consider giving him a chance?” Shaan inquires, and Alex ponders.

”It just seems so fucked up, doesn’t it?” Alex grumbles, and Shaan looks at him quizzically. “Some things with him are just so fucking easy. We just click in a way I’ve never had with anyone else.”

”Why is that… fucked up… as you put it?” Alex has to hold in a laugh when Shaan tries to imitate him.

”Because” Alex starts to say, but then his mind goes blank. He can’t explain it. Yes, Henry hurt him, but he also understands that Henry has a lot of his own trauma and baggage too that he still struggles with, and he didn’t do it on purpose.

“I imagine that’s why you aren’t ready to close that door yet?” More and more, Alex is learning to appreciate Shaan and his patience and understanding, even when Alex may not be making the best decisions.

”Yeah” Alex sighs.

“Then let’s talk about that. If you were to give Henry a chance, what would that look like for you?” 

Henry has always been grateful for his own therapist and the support she provides, but there is something to be said about the role of a loving sister also.

”Hen, if you want him, you need to be the one to do the hard work.” He knows she’s not trying to lecture him, but the words still seem harsh.

”Why?” Henry grumbles. “If he’s interested, he can reach out too. He can do something to tell me.”

”He agreed to dinner, didn’t he?” She points out, but Henry just frowns at her. “He could have said no. He could have blocked your number or not responded to your messages. He came over here to talk to you, to listen to what you had to say.” She doesn’t say anything about Henry acting like a jerk to him, but they both know it to be true.

”He reached out after your emails, asking to talk. He listened, he gave you another chance.” She feels obligated to remind him of this. If she were in Alex’s position, she isn’t sure she would have done the same.

“If I want to see him again, I need to ask?” It’s not really even a question, but she confirms anyway. Henry sighs at the answer. 

“Ask him out on a date. A real date. Get to know him, and give him a chance to get to know you, or the person you want to be.” He finds the thought mildly terrifying, although he’s not completely sure why.

“What if he says no?”

“Then at least you’ll have your answer.” She shrugs. “But I don’t think he will.”

It takes Henry a few days to work up the courage to ask. He knows deep down that Bea is right, Alex will say yes. But for some reason, he’s still nervous. 

He needs a plan, an activity for them that they will both enjoy and give them time to talk, and does not involve alcohol. While he was not disappointed in the way their dinner ended the previous week, he knows they still have a lot to work on, and that is just going to make things more confusing and complicated.

Blond Haired Asshole (DO NOT ANSWER)

A colleague has been raving about this new exhibit at the Museum of Modern Art.

I was wondering if I might take you on a date this weekend to see it?

And perhaps some tacos for lunch, since I believe I may owe you.

Alex C-D 🤠

no one calls it that

its MOMA

Henry just shakes his head at Alex’s response. Why does he like this man? It’s like his main purpose on earth is to drive Henry completely crazy. Christ he loves it.

Blond Haired Asshole (DO NOT ANSWER)

Then you aren’t interested?

I’m sure Bea would love to go if you don’t want to

Two can play at this game.

Alex C-D 🤠

i never said i didnt want to go

i was just correcting your terminology 

Blond Haired Asshole (DO NOT ANSWER)

So you do want to go?

I feel like I’m getting mixed messages

Alex C-D 🤠

only if i get to pick the taco place

and order for you

i can’t have your white boy tastes embarrassing me

Blond Haired Asshole (DO NOT ANSWER)

I believe I can agree to your terms

It’s a date then?

Alex C-D 🤠

it’s a date

Henry practices some of the breathing exercises his therapist taught him as he walks to the restaurant, trying to keep himself calm. Alex agreed to go on a date with him, and even though they had dinner together the previous weekend, this feels different. Like they are both on the same page for once. But now, he’s nervous.

Alex selected a taco place not far from the museum. He warned Henry it was a small place, but promised it was as authentic as they would find in the city.

He looks around quickly when he arrives, the bright colors on the walls and mismatched furniture give the place a unique homey feel that he can’t quite explain. But before his mind can wander too much, Alex walks through the door.

”Hi” Alex says as he approaches Henry, a soft smile on his face. Henry can’t help but stare. Even dressed in jeans and a hoodie, he still looks beautiful. His curls are a little extra wild today, and his eyes a little brighter than last week.

A hostess greets them and shows them to a table, and they exchange pleasantries as they look over the menu. 

“Do you trust me?” Alex asks with a wicked grin.

Henry eyes him suspiciously. “I suppose so.” 

When the waitress approaches and asks what they would like to order, Alex replies in rapid fire Spanish before Henry can even open his mouth. While Henry knew in theory that Alex could speak Spanish, he had never experienced it before. And wow, was it something. 

The expression on his face, the tone of his voice, was so much different then he’d ever seen. More passionate, happier, completely in his element. But when Alex motions to Henry and says something and the waitress laughs, Henry immediately pulls himself back into the moment, trying to listen, trying to figure out what was being said about him.

He tries to glare at Alex, but can’t keep a straight face, and Alex can’t hold in his laugh when he sees it. “Oh, relax. I’m just making sure we don’t kill you with spices.” He teases.

But there’s something else that Henry notices as the waitress replies. The way that she smiles at him, how the pitch of her voice gets a little bit higher, how she blinks her eyes a little faster than he would normally expect. 

The conversation goes on for too long, more than just ordering a meal. It doesn’t sit right with Henry. She is flirting with Alex, and Henry, well, Henry is jealous.

The waitress disappears a moment later, then returns with two glass bottles of Coke, a basket of tortilla chips, and two small bowls with dip. She waves her finger over one of the bowls, looking at Henry. “Not for you” she says. Henry’s eyes go wide in surprise as Alex lets out a loud belly laugh.

”That was rude” Henry murmurs as she walks away. 

“Then try it” Alex teases,” and let’s see if you can handle it or if her warning is exaggerated”. But as Henry eyes the bowl carefully, he starts to hesitate. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

Alex reaches for his bottle of Coke and holds it up toward Henry, signaling for Henry to do the same. “Have you ever tried Mexican Coke?” He asks as he spins the glass bottle in his hand.

Henry looks at him skeptically. “Isn’t it just Coke?”

”Oh my god, no! Not even close. It’s amazing!” Alex bubbles. “Just try it, tell me what you think.”

Henry takes a sip, expecting the generic taste of Coke that he’s used to, but as soon as the liquid hits his tongue, it hits him. After he swallows, he admits defeat. “Ok, that’s really good.” Alex can’t hold back the smile on his face.

They chat about work and the exhibit they are going to see as they wait for their food. But when the plates are placed in front of them, both of their eyes go wide.

”Did you order the entire menu?” Henry snaps, carefully studying the multiple plates of food in front of them.

”One of the guys at my firm has been raving about this place for awhile, his parents are friends with the owners, they are from the same little town in Mexico. I wanted to try a few different things, and this is the only way you would get the full experience.”

Alex gives Henry a quick tour of everything on the table, explaining what’s in each of them, and suggesting where to start as he places some food on each of their plates.

As Alex takes a bite, he tries to hide the satisfaction on his face as the flavors overwhelm his tongue. It’s probably the most authentic Mexican food he’s had since moving to New York. This was definitely a good choice.

”What do you think?” He asks as Henry digs in, smiling as he begins to chew.

”Oh, that is delicious.” Henry mumbles with his mouth full, a little embarrassed.

The waitress checks on them a few minutes later, once again smiling a little wider toward Alex as she asks how they are doing. Henry pretends he doesn’t notice. 

They both eat way too much, Alex telling him how much the food reminds him of his grandmother, and how his dad taught him to cook when he was young, and Alex taking another opportunity to get a dig in about Henry’s non-existent skills in the kitchen. 

When they finally give up, happy and full, the waitress returns to collect their plates. “Can I offer you any dessert?”

Alex looks at Henry with a smile, but Henry shakes his head. “I am stuffed. I think I’ve eaten an entire week’s worth of food in one meal.”

Alex laughs and tells her they are all set, but a few minutes later, she returns with a piece of cake and two forks. “Tres leches, it’s our speciality. You have to try it. On the house” she adds, with a wink toward Alex.

Henry looks at Alex curiously as he picks up one of the forks and scoops a piece of cake onto it. “There’s always room for cake” he smiles as he puts the fork in his mouth. But as soon as he swallows, he scoops another piece of cake onto the fork. “You have to try this!”

He moves the fork towards Henry’s mouth to feed him, and Henry freezes for a moment, almost in shock. “Open up” Alex teases, confused by Henry’s sudden reaction. When Henry finally opens his mouth, Alex feeds him a bite of the cake..

”Christ, that’s good” Henry says, trying to contain a moan, and Alex just smiles as he takes another bite for himself.

But when Alex tries to feed Henry a second bite, Henry interrupts. “I am capable of feeding myself.”

”Yeah, but this is more fun!” Alex laughs as he tries to shove the fork into Henry’s open mouth. 

Henry quickly grabs the fork from his hand, but ends up with icing on his face instead, and Alex bursts out laughing. He tries to help Henry wipe the icing from his face, but Henry starts to swat his hand away, unable to hold in a laugh either.

As soon as they step out onto the street and start walking toward the museum, Alex blurts out what he’s been wanting to say for awhile. “I wasn’t flirting with the waitress.”

”I never said you were.” Henry replies, trying to keep his voice neutral, but he doesn’t think he succeeds.

”You had that look on your face” Alex points out. Henry shakes his head, trying to deny it, but he knows Alex is right. He stays quiet for a moment, giving Henry a chance to respond, but Henry just sighs instead, embarrassed by the situation. 

“I told her it was our first date. She said you were adorable and she hopes things go well.” Alex finally adds.

”Seriously?” Henry is skeptical. 

“Yes! Why do you think she gave us a piece of cake to share, even after we turned down dessert? She was teasing you.” Henry starts thinking back to the entire interaction. He doesn’t know what was said between the two, he was only able to catch a few words and nothing that would prove or disprove Alex’s statement.

”You are cute when you’re jealous” Alex adds, and Henry covers his face with his hands, trying to hide the blush. 

They spend the afternoon at the museum, Henry narrating the artwork and what he loves about each of them. As they stop to speak to a few of the curators, Henry is amazed by Alex’s engaging questions and intrigue at each story..

This is a new experience for both of them. Spending time together out in the world, with no plans or expectations beyond that moment. He wasn’t quite sure how to feel about it. It seemed odd to admit it, but this wasn’t something he had ever done before. He never took the time to get to know someone like this. Never went to a museum with them, never went on a real date. 

He wasn’t sure what he expected. He feared that he was going to find something about Alex that he didn’t like, that he couldn’t handle or would change his feelings for him. But as every moment passed, it just seemed to be the opposite. The more he got to know Alex, the more he knew this man was already ruining him for anyone else. 

Even after hours together at the museum, neither of them were ready to part ways. When Alex suggested getting some coffee, Henry happily agreed, and they made their way to a nearby coffee house.

As they sipped their drinks and chatted idly, Henry said what had been swirling in his head all week. ”I thought maybe you would text me this week.”

“What do you mean?”

“You used to text all the time, just to say hi or share some completely random thought or ridiculous meme.” Henry hesitates. “I thought perhaps after last weekend…” his voice trails off as he shrugs.

Alex closes his eyes and tilts his head down. “Was my last text not embarrassing enough?”

“I didn’t mind it.” Henry affirms with a smile. 

Their drinks have been gone for awhile and the sun outside is setting, and Henry knows he needs to start heading home. “Do you have any plans for dinner? Bea and I are going to order some pizza, if you would like to join us.”

”Thank you, but I think I will pass. I don’t want to intrude.”

”You won’t be intruding. It was actually Bea’s suggestion.” Henry tells him, but he can see by the expression on Alex’s face that he’s about to say something sarcastic. 

“So your sister would rather hang out with me than you? I know I’m so much cooler, but for your own sister to think it.”

”You are ridiculous” Henry interrupts with a laugh, and Alex can’t wipe the smile off of his face.

”Thank you for today. I had a really nice time.” Alex adds once Henry puts himself back together.

”Adequate for a first date?” Henry inquires.

”That is not a word I would ever use to describe a date. What is wrong with you?!” Henry can’t look away, the grin on Alex’s face is making him look even more beautiful.

”How much time do you have?” Alex just shakes his head at Henry’s retort.

“Do you have any plans for tomorrow?” Henry finally asks, knowing his time tonight is quickly ending, even though he would stay in that cafe forever with Alex if he let him.

“I was going to check out the farmer’s market by my place. It’s the first week of the season so there is a big street fair and food trucks and everything.”

”Would you like some company?” The words slip out before Henry can catch himself. He doesn’t want to impose on Alex or make him feel obligated to accept. “Sorry, that was rude of me.”

”No, it’s ok” Alex waves his hand. “Yes, that sounds like fun. I was going to go with June and Nora, but I think you would be more fun.”

Henry smiles. “I will be sure not to tell them you said that.”

“It’s a date.” Alex confirms as he laughs.