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Cutlery clinks as they all are sitting at Maddie and Chim’s table, eating some ice cream for dessert. The kids long gone to play with toys or, in Denny and Chris' case, video games. Whenever a few minutes pass, they can hear them cheering at each other.

Room full of joyful sounds as the evening settles, there are muffled conversations throughout the table: Hen and Chim comparing and recommending their coffee makers, Eddie and Karen sharing their thoughts on the last story they were reading for book club. 

The one who sounds a little louder than everyone is Buck talking to an almost speechless Maddie. Not annoyed or angry but trying to make his point, he argues again to his sister:

“Maddie, it’s just kisses, c’mon. It doesn’t have to mean anything”

“They are displays of affection, it isn’t just for anyone! You are a romantic, also you know that could end up with something complicated”. Maddie fights her opinion beside his sibling, not giving up.

“Of course kisses are for everyone, it could be entirely platonic”. Buck stretches his arms, a gesture to remark he thinks he’s right. “I mean, look at Eddie and I”.

The space covered in cheerful noises becomes completely silent abruptly. Buck looks around to find the sight of all of them on him, shocked faces through the dining room. Chimney doesn't even try to joke, plops a mouthful of ice cream and waits.

“What about you and Eddie?” Maddie is the one to talk again, asking slowly like she’s talking to a confused child.

“Oh, you know”. Buck shrugs but is now just considering that, in fact, they don’t know. “The bachelor party”. He says like it’s nothing and tries to grab a spoon of his forgotten ice cream, all melted now. He can’t even hide on his dessert.

“What about the bachelor party?” Hen asks this time, her face showing a funny, confused grin. Karen shares her expression at her side.

“That we kinda made out. And it was never weird. Right, Eddie?”

All the baffled looks follow Buck’s encouraging one. Eddie squints his eyes when he finally speaks.

“We did what?!” 

“Eddie!” Buck scolds him. He feels the intense gaze of all of his friends but he only has eyes for Eddie now, whose looking at him from the other side of the table like he grew another head. “We kissed”.

“Are you sure?”

“God, yes. I was there”. Buck is a little annoyed at the moment because he never thought Eddie would forget. Of course, they were far beyond super drunk, but he kept recalling that kiss in his head over and over for a long time. How could he forget?

“Maybe you confused me for someone else?” Eddie shows how puzzled he is, his face clearly depicting that he really does not have a clue.

“No, it was you”. Buck folds his arms. He can’t recall why he is suddenly angry about it, like it wasn’t some other sloppy kiss they didn't talk about at all, like it never happened. He talks to Maddie again, “see? Doesn't have to mean anything. It was so insignificant that Eddie doesn't even remember”. 

It sounds a lot more tough than he intended to so Maddie gets up from the table and starts to lift the plates, a safe getaway from the weird shift in the conversation, not wanting to make Buck feel any more awkward.

He frowns directly at his melted ice cream before Maddie takes it away, and gets up to help wash the dishes, pretending he doesn’t know all eyes are still on him.

Buck is left alone at the kitchen then, quietly washing the dishes, trying to ease his mind by the easy task, trying not to think about Eddie’s kiss again. It sure took a lot of strength before to stop thinking about it all the time (at least, the woozy moments he remembered) and now he cursed himself again with it. Not only that, but also let everyone know that it happened.

Even Eddie who appears beside him, his shoulder bumping his, starts to dry the dishes he’s washing. That routine for them is so daily, so tranquil, so common that he almost forgets why his back is tight with tension.

“Are you… okay?” Eddie speaks, eyes glued to the dishes he thoroughly dries.

“Yeah, are you?”

“Yes, it’s nothing. You don’t have to be embarrassed, you know?”

“Why would I be? Even better, I was right” Buck feels the tug of disappointment on his chest but digs it down swiftly.

“Well…” Eddie hesitates, a little smirk on his face. “You just told everybody you kissed me when you were absolutely wasted”.

Buck stiffens for a second but keeps washing with a stronger grip. “I didn’t say I kissed you. I just said we kissed”.

“I may not remember but I’m sure I’m not the kind of guy that’s going around kissing anyone on some random night out”.

Buck clicks his tongue. He turns off the water finishing his job, giving the last plate to Eddie to dry. He grabs it from his hand and their eyes lock, a soft brush of fingers in the movement. Buck teases, dimples showing, catching Eddie’s gaze directly. “Guess again”, he says and leaves Eddie still in his place, gripping into the little plate, not understanding the crazy hurricane that's growing inside his chest.

_____________

Buck grumbles at the blaring sound of his phone in the dark night. He was lost in a beautiful dream with frantic images of Eddie’s pink suit, his chest hair, his soft skin, his lips, his mouth, his tongue. 

He’s about to decline the call but instead, he reads the name on the screen with only one eye. Eddie.

“Are you okay?” He answers, still trying to wash the sleepiness of his face.

“Did I really?” Eddie doesn't sound like he was asleep. 

“Did you really what?” Buck doesn't even know what he is asking, still too caught in his dreamy state.

“Did I kiss you?” Eddie asks again, quietness exudes from his side of the line. Buck listens to a muffled change of position, fabrics moving against each other, so he must be in bed too.

That checks out because it’s fucking three AM.

“Do we need to talk about this right now?” Buck is so tired, he doesn't want to keep thinking about the damn kiss. And much less, explaining him to his best friend who casually, painfully, forgot about it.

“I couldn't sleep so I figured asking you wouldn’t hurt”.

“It hurts, asshole. It happens that I was actually sleeping”.

“Can you tell me, please?”

Buck rolls his eyes, a shy smile trying to escape his mouth. “You did. Can I go back to sleep now?”

“Why would I forget that?” Eddie asks, lowering his voice and it sounds more like a question to himself than one directed to Buck. But he answers anyway, his eyes still closed but his sleepiness is leaving slowly.

“I don't know, you tell me”.

“Was it bad?”

Buck can’t help himself and chuckles. Eddie sounds a bit hopeless, eager to find some answers. Why he is so interested in details of the kiss is a mystery to Buck.

“What are you trying to make me say, Eddie?” He pauses but the only thing catching from the phone is Eddie’s calm breath, waiting for clarification. “I don't remember all of it, for the record, I was wasted too. But it wasn’t bad”.

“So…”

He is so annoying. “You are a good kisser. Great, even, God”. Buck tries to sound bothered but the feeling doesn't reach him, he is finding the conversation endearing after all. “Can I go back to sleep now?”

“So, why did you kiss me back?”

“I don't know, man. We were drunk and having fun and we were about to go to a wedding. It was full of-” he catches himself before saying love but Eddie doesn’t seem to mind, too lost in his own thoughts probably 

“How didn’t you say anything?”

“I didn't want to be weird between us. But everything is fine, nothing is weird, right? It meant nothing”. He thinks that if he keeps saying it, some time in the future it will hurt less. It would really mean nothing, he could put the memory at the back of his mind again and pretend it never happened just like he’s been doing for years.

“Ok, good night”, like he is satisfied with the questioning, he releases Buck to go back to sleep. Buck doesn't bother to hang up and Eddie says something else before doing it himself. “I'm sorry for not remembering”.

He is sorry as well. He wants to be able to ask him too. If he liked it, if it was a good kiss to him, if he was a great kisser (he knows he is by the way, but listening that coming from Eddie would feel different), if it made him feel something else than just dumb drunk dizziness. He was relieved at that time, with Eddie not bringing it up, it felt like it really meant nothing and they could get past that easily. He got to kiss him once without ruining their friendship in any way and that, he could consider it as a success.

It never crossed his mind that Eddie didn't remember. What did it mean now? He tugs in bed, ready to sleep more peacefully this time, praying to the universe it doesn’t make things weird between them.

Meanwhile, Eddie doesn't sleep at all. Not like he’s trying, either.

Eyes wide open, looking at the ceiling, he replays from a hidden corner of his brain some images of Buck that night.

The mint coloured jacket that was tight, fitting him like a glove just like the white pants. The color expanding the blue on Buck’s eyes, a charming, endearing gaze surrounding Eddie every time he looked at him. A grin back from Eddie, his cheeks flushing all shades of red. He blamed that on the alcohol from early stages of the night. He thinks now that it was maybe the sight of Buck being beautiful, being fun, taking the lead, dancing, singing, being everything.

One, two, three, don't-have-a-clue how many karaoke songs. A bubbling fun coming right out of him, his arm around Buck’s shoulder, wanting him as close as possible, tugging him closer with every passing minute. Laughs, too many laughs to count, the kind of amusement he reserved for a few people in his life, Buck being top one.

One chair too small to fit two grown men, but they managed. A buzz in his throat every time he chugged more alcohol, the dizziness that arrived with that. And with Buck’s arm around him, their legs touching continuously. The reflecting rainbow colored lights he saw in the air when he looked at Buck straight into his eyes, screaming at him with something that sounded like a funny joke, no idea of what they we're talking about. Him agreeing, always agreeing, and thanking that his own hand was steady gripping the bottle of champagne because he remembers he wanted to touch Buck’s face, to stroke at that birthmark point. The only movement he made was pointing at him, his finger pushing on Buck’s strong chest, so close. He felt hypnotized for a moment, some kind of butterflies settling free inside him, and he thought of course, the alcohol.

A DJ set, the sounds and screams muffled and loud all at the same time. And Buck laughing at his side, his warmth piercing through his chest that’s naked somehow, reaching slowly inside his core, his chest. Not close enough. Eddie had followed him to that hotel to look for Chimney, smiling, like they were the only people in the room, never leaving his side.

After all of that. Fade to black.

His drunk mind couldn’t focus on what was important. How, after all of what happened that night, he stupidly couldn't remember how he kissed him.

You are a good kisser, Buck has said on their call. Great, even. That sleepy voice would keep running through his mind, like he was hearing him again. Great, even, God. A chuckle that made Eddie’s heart skip a beat. You are a good kisser.

But how was Buck?

Did he feel his feverish skin? Did he touch his haired chest, his damp abs? Did he caress? Did Eddie, finally giving up to that need of having him closer?

Was he relaxed? Was he needy? Did he say something at all? How did he taste with his scent, and the alcohol, and the itching that kept growing from Eddie’s body?

How is he still saying it was nothing? How could Eddie know? How could he be normal knowing that he, himself, was the one kissing him first?

_____________

Eddie keeps staring at him.

The full shift, Buck is too aware of those two pretty, dark eyes following him everywhere.

He reads a book, long legs sprayed across the couch comfortably, lifts his head up: Eddie is staring.

He tries to kill time by hitting the station gym, putting so much weight to hip thrust that his legs ache. And Eddie is watching the whole routine.

He sways around the kitchen, unbothered, slices the veggies and skillfully cooks for everyone, happy to be at his element. He doesn’t look back now but he is sure Eddie is staring. 

Inside the trunk, his knees bump into Eddie’s leg at every turn. He’s still staring each time, but they are sitting across each other so it’s not like he isn't directly in his line of sight.

The only moments he is at peace is when they are working their asses off. It’s a chaotic day in L.A., they end up running to a few buildings on fire and help with a minor collision between two cars. And Eddie is not staring at him but well, he can’t. He is too busy. Buck feels a weight coming down his back because the examination is making him a bit nervous. This is weird.

He’s grabbing his dirty clothes from the locker room, damp hair thanks to the shower he just got, ready to leave and sleep off the whole day. He wants to desintoxicate all the tragedy they have seen that day. Not only that, but also the expression on his best friend’s face that’s been following him for the last 24 hours. He is embarrassed now, not knowing how the wheels on Eddie’s head have been working. 

He is probably angry because of the kiss. Or because I didn’t tell him sooner. I didn’t know I had to tell him, though, that is not my fault. Maybe he didn't want it, he regrets it. Maybe he thinks ill of me now that he knows. He was drunk so it probably wasn't the right call. But I was wasted too. Maybe he wants to stop being my friend at all, he’s awkward because he senses it was not nothing for me.

God, he wants to sleep and stop thinking about the kiss and about Eddie in general.

“Buck, can you give me a lift home?” Eddie says, peeking his head out of the door.

He doesn’t hesitate, answers just like always. “Yeah, sure”.

Good lord.

____________

Buck grips the wheel, sure that Eddie is watching every movement again.

“Can you please stop?” He says, eyes on the road.

“Stop what?”

“Man, c’mon. I know this is about the kiss but can you not make it weird? It was ages ago”.

“But I don't remember it!” Eddie sounds strange now, he looks at him for a mere second and he is pursing his lips, frustrated. “Why couldn't I remember?”

“Is that what's bothering you? Why would you wanna remember it?”

“I- I don’t know, like-” he stammers, closing his mouth in a thin line.

“We don't have to talk about it. Just- stop looking at me like that. It’s freaking me out”.

“Was I? Looking at you?”

Buck huffs, parking at Eddie’s front door. “You weren’t doing that on purpose? Eddie! You've been driving me insane the whole shift”.

“I’m sorry. I didn't realise. I was just… thinking about something”. He sounds honestly lost and Buck has to smile at the look on his face, eyes wandering around his own, hands clenched in fists, still thinking.

“You are such a weirdo”, he says, but there's a crack of fondness in the insult.

“Can you come inside?” Eddie asks, something clicks in his expression now. 

And Buck now does give himself seconds to think. He’s for sure sleep deprived, his mind living in a strange fog (that maybe has to do with his beautiful best friend next to him, not so much about being tired, leaning more into feeling bedazzled only by the sight of him). He knows that it would be normal to go with Eddie, like maybe this is the first time he has actually asked him to go inside and not them both following each other to continue with their routines, not wanting to end the day just yet.

It could be a bad idea because this is, in fact, weird. He always says yes, no questions asked.

Nevertheless, Eddie looks at him. Not that intense, anxious staring he’s been at the end of all day. He looks at him with questions plastered all over his face, with a sparkling sense of something in his vision, with a slight smile, maybe begging for Buck to accept.

So, obviously, he says yes again.

They are indoors quickly. It looks like the steadiness in Eddie’s voice changed again, out of the blue. Buck grabs a bottle of water from the fridge to chug some of it, comfortable like it is his own home, as Eddie paces in the little space that it’s his kitchen.

“So”, Buck nudges, aware of having to start the conversation. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

Eddie doesn't meet his gaze anymore, hands clutching his own hips, still pacing. “I really didn't realise that I was staring, you know? I was though, I was totally aware of you. I am. Like, the way you are always in my space and it- it doesn't matter. Or how are we always touching, have you noticed that? If I’m not touching you, you are. But it’s okay. It would be weird if we weren't like that. I kinda- I like it. How you are always there for me. I was watching you trying to… figure something out, you know?”

“I’m not totally catching up but, yeah, kind of?”. He lifts an eyebrow in confusion.

“Urgh, I’m so bad at this”. His cheeks lighten up in the most endearing tone of red and Buck would love to know how hot he must feel under his cold palms. He tried it out already but doesn't remember quite a detail. “I guess- This… this kiss thing affected me a little worse than I expected”.

“Eddie, Eddie”. He manages to make him stop and grabs his shoulder. Eddie's breath is a little frantic now, he wants to try to calm him. “It's okay if we don't talk about it. We don't have to. It was nothing!”

“Do you mean that?” Eddie keeps his voice low, normal, but the words come out with a brush of frustration. “What you said to Maddie, that it doesn't have to mean anything? I-I don't know”.

“You don't know…? Well, no, you don't remember”. Buck tries to show that he feels calm even though it’s a lie, his fingers trembling on top of Eddie. “It was just friendly, we are friends. You are straight. I meant it”.

Eddie clenches his back more at that statement and Buck notices how stiff he is. How nervous. Full of doubts. The weird calm atmosphere that appeared when they were together about to climb out of the car, gone. “I would like to… you know?” Buck shakes his head, not following. “Remember it”.

“Why?” Buck tilts his head and frowns his nose, only slightly and at that sight, Eddie grins. 

“I feel like I am in… disadvantage?” Eddie tries to reason. More likely, he is trying to convince himself to find a good enough justification to kiss Buck again. “Without knowing. Not remembering”. 

“It’s not a race, Eddie”.

“I just-” Eddie wants to give reasons, to sound perfectly functional. To adjust his thoughts, his guilt, his anger, with the senses that tingles his body.

Because he could say it's just curiosity or he is trying to be funny and that he is at a disadvantage.

But there's one thing much simpler, quiet. His brain is screaming, contrary to the silence in the kitchen, he knows why he would kiss Buck right now.

And it's unlikely for him. It's something he would never do. Talk to Buck sincerely, telling him the real reason.

The logical road would be to keep his mouth shut, let it go, forget about the subject being brought, like it never happened. That way, he could keep fighting that urge, that feeling that’s settled inside of his core, that wanting.

Of course he couldn't tell that to him.

“Would you help me? Remembering?” Eddie tries again, a hidden plea behind those innocent, not entirely understandable questions. Buck tilts his head confused for how the conversation is going, and Eddie has to fight the urge to smile at the gesture. 

“What are you talking about?”

“I wanna know… more. About our kiss”. Eddie tries so hard to pretend nonchalance, he almost succeeds. Buck makes another confused face and Eddie hopes he could take a photo with his mind to wrap that smirk forever in a gift box, only for him, because Buck looks so cute. “We could… do it again. It doesn't have to mean anything, like you said. It would be a friendly kiss”.

“Like the one in the party?”

“Yes, probably like that”. Eddie nods a bit too much and he thinks he must sound insane from an outside perspective. He doesn't care at all. Buck stands in front of him, so much closer than a few minutes before at his own fault, because he stepped in slowly, almost following his slow breathings.

“I-I don't think that’s a good idea”. Buck could manage with one sloppy kiss. He could get over it, he actually (kind of) got over it. 

It escapes Eddie's mind how he's saying no now, if it really doesn't mean anything. And why does he want to insist so much, to let the possibility linger, float in the air that seemingly he can't catch entirely in his lungs every time Buck blinks slowly looking right at him. And just like it happened the whole day when he was, in fact, staring. And figuring some things out.

How could he face the fact that every time he looks at his best friend, there’s a golden light surrounding him. That he feels his own eyes drawn to him, obliged to follow every step, to check every breath. And now that he thinks about it, the thing at the shift was him realising he really finds Buck beautiful. That every time he sees him laying on the couch, full body displayed, relaxed, he wants to go there, hug him, nest in his chest. Count every beat of his heart, making sure everything it’s okay. And he would never feel safer than there.

And the workout, well, Eddie found himself that some of the routine did wonders for him. He knew Buck lifted like a million pounds but, with his new discoverings, his mind kept nagging, insisting that if he could lift weights like that, how easy would it be for Buck to grab him, lift him, even more. Did he do it before? When they kissed? He kept staring because he looked hot.

What he couldn't get his mind around was that it wasn’t new. Not really. His eyes were always on Buck, his touch as well. He feels like he’s been blind until the words kisses with Buck entered the world, shifting on his axis.

Eddie bites the inside of his cheek, still struggling so hard it makes Buck want to help him through it. “If it's nothing, friendly like you said. Why not?”

“I-I can't kiss you if you want to remember”. Buck stammers, locked eyes so hard that all that he sees is Eddie's dark brown pupils on a prayer, on a plea, on a supplicate. But if they are gonna do it again, he's not the one in charge. He can't be. Eddie has to be sure. “You're the one who kissed me first”.

He says it cocky, gathers all his strength to appear unbothered. Like the way Eddie grips him by the shirt in a fist doesn't make his knees wobble, like how he can see him licking his lips and looking right at his mouth doesn't make his stomach clench. Like when Eddie takes the deal and leans in, leaving a soft press of lips in his mouth doesn't feel like everything around them is about to shatter into pieces, even when it’s the most chaste kiss he had since he was 13 years old. A soft lip touch and they are both melting together.

Buck wants to seem undeterred when the short touch ends but neither of them try to step back, they don't move, their breaths still fanning their faces.

“You-you weren't so gentle the last time”. Buck rips out his facade then. He's hungry for more, it’s his turn to ask, the ghost of the intimate touch on his lips haunts him too fast.

Eddie bites his own bottom lip, his eyes shine before he leans in again closing them and catches Buck’s mouth. And he's eager this time, with intent, thrilled. He sprays his left hand in Buck's cheek and angles his face sideways, his nose digging into his face when he kisses him strongly, firmer, opening his lips with slick movements. Exploring, tasting, making new, sure memories that this time he couldn't forget. This time, he isn't intoxicated. At least, not with alcohol. His skin buzzing, aware of finally having Buck in his arms, high on the contact. 

Eddie moves his hand to grip Buck's waist and the reaction from his friend becomes desperate. They kiss harder and Eddie is aware of how crimson his face must be with the heat that comes up from his chest and his neck. Buck bites him and he feels his hands travelling across his back. He wants to touch more each time. Eddie tastes, tastes, tastes as Buck is his favorite food. He could be soon

Eddie's alarm blares through the room, a hammering sound from his back pocket that makes him separate from Buck's lips. Buck looks dazed, not entirely understanding where that sound comes from.

Eddie is still trying to recover his breath when he tells him. “I have to pick Chris up”.

The smirk on Buck's face goes down suddenly. The weight of normalcy falls onto them, annoying, reluctantly. Buck nods but he's not gonna go without a last peck.

He kisses Eddie sternly again with their mouths closed, with his heart jumping crazy inside his chest, caressing Eddie's jaw with a thumb until the alarm goes off again and they have to, inevitably, go separate ways.

_________

How does one repeat the greatest kiss he ever had with his best friend without losing that said best friend?

Eddie truly can't ask again. He already left himself looking like a fool, asking, sounding desperate. He can't look that insane again.

He really wants to think that he has any dignity left. Even when the asking did work.

So what if he keeps looking at the empty spot in the kitchen that was the place of those same kisses? And if he finds himself unconsciously searching for Buck's taste in his mouth, on his tongue, very late at night when all the lights are out and he has that time for himself only? And if he keeps fantasizing about what would happen if that alarm didn't sound, how would he argue to be lifted up on top of the counter proving the point of Buck lifting so many pounds in the gym?

Yes, he probably wants to do it again. Also, he has to maintain extremely busy at work so he doesn't ogle Buck like that last shift.

He thinks he's succeeding, overall. He keeps bumping Buck's knee with his own every time they go to an emergency, in the back of the truck. There's lingering touches there and there, that he searches for like they were air. But it isn't weird at all, he's always touching Buck. A firm palm in his back, a soft brush of arms as they walk, a bump in his shoulder before they enter an unsteady building to search for an old lady that couldn't go out on her own.

It's when they come back from that last hard task that Eddie is absentmindedly filling a crossword, all sprayed out in the bunk bed he usually sleeps on, alone in the room. He lifts his gaze up when he hears the door opening to find Buck entering, failing spectacularly in not making any sounds. 

“Sorry, thought you were asleep”, Buck says and Eddie wants to answer, to tell him it's okay, to ask him about that 11 letters word that he can't grasp in his brain.

Apparently, he can’t grasp any of the other words in any human language now. Not any comes out of his mouth. He feels his own breath a little unsteady, though, and has to take a deep breath to fill in his lungs.

He knew Buck was gonna take a shower. Just like they all did after the last fire, smoke and spicy odor clinging into them.

He wasn't aware how Buck looking like this could affect him after their kiss. Buck, with damp curls splattered to his forehead, with smears of redness coming down his neck, losing inside his blue shirt that tights into his muscles perfectly. Some wet spots in his torso, where he didn't dry entirely, like the water that cups his chest and creates a gorgeous shadow between his pecs.

Eddie thinks it wouldn't bother him to dry him sternly or maybe wetting him again with his tongue. Is that weird? Yes it is weird. Anyways, he wants to kiss him stupid.

And Buck, probably distracted and not noticing how his best friend looks at his muscled torso shifting and moving with how he's combing his hair, says the most buck-thing, not without smirking jokingly.

“How do I look?” 

Eddie blinks slowly, the question not quite reaching him. Or maybe reaching him too much. He watches Buck walking in the room with a strange look towards him.

“Eddie, are you okay?” Buck scrunches down a bit to take a better look at him, worried.

Eddie can't think of anything else to answer.

Buck is so close, and so pretty, and his eyes look kind of worried, and maybe Eddie is tired and his own crossword is slipping through his fingers, those same fingers that he pressures on Buck's chest and he's glad his heart feels as hammered as his own.

He tugs at Buck's shirt and pulls, and his friend doesn't protest. He takes a deep dive in Buck's mouth, drowns in him, in his wet lips, in the humidity of his shirt that brushes his palm, in his soft curls when he lifts his other hand to thread his fingers there.

He doesn't understand how drowning can feel like a strong, new gasp of air. That's what he feels every time Buck kisses him back, presses his cheek, searches for more. 

Until Buck takes a step back and leaves him there.

“You-I-I-what was that?” Buck manages to blurts out.

“It keeps nagging at me. It had never crossed my mind before. That- that was something we could do. And I still don't remember it.”. Eddie doesn't lie. Not entirely. The daze he feels lifts up a bit, suddenly too conscious about what he just did. Yes they kissed one time. Well, two before, even if he didn't remember. But Buck was looking so beautiful, and Eddie did know now how the kissing felt. And looking at him and touching him and tasting him and feeling that kind of fuzz everyone must keep talking about but he hasn’t found it since this, with him. So, he has to find out how to keep doing it. “It just- It didn't work last time. Maybe it could work now”.

“Did it?” Buck's voice sounds raspy, probably still shocked by the action. Eddie smiles ironically.

“Not really. I'm sorry”.

“N-no. It's okay. You can- we- you know?”

“I can… what?” Eddie sounds stunned even when what Buck says it’s obvious. He wants to be clear, be on the same wavelength. 

They are still looking at each other's eyes, a stillness falling into them that only breaks by their eyelashes flapping, by the way Eddie's chest moves a little too fast, betraying his supposedly tranquility. He thinks that it’s one of the first times he's so close to taking something he wants, just for the sake of it. It's nervousness creeping into his chest but the wanting is too strong and too good.

“You can kiss me- I don't care. It would be to help you. Remember, I mean”. Buck's breath shudders. “And we would just… confirm that I'm right. That it doesn't have to mean anything”.

“Ok. When would we do it?”. 

“Huh-” Buck coughs, a bit embarrassed. “Maybe we don't- put it on our calendar or something”. Eddie snorts. “When we have the chance, you know. When we’re alone”.

“Makes sense. If we feel uncomfortable with anything, we tell each other”.

Buck nods and Eddie comes back to his crossword. Like nothing happened. Like they didn't just agree to kiss. To kiss platonically. As friends. To help each other.

He repeats his last words on his head. Ok, makes sense. Right?

“We can't do it at work”, Buck talks again and Eddie really tries to look at him and not right at his mouth. He fails just for a millisecond.

“Yeah, you're right”. Eddie nods, comes back to his crossword with success this time, reads that word that’s been bothering him out loud. “11 letters, adjective, executed with secrecy or concealment, especially for purposes of subversion or deception?”

“Clandestine”. 

Eddie writes it, agreeing, as Buck leaves the room without more words. He doesn't look at his back on that shirt that hugs him beautifully on purpose.

_________________

Buck was wrong.

It's fine. Really. He wants to help him. He could call it research, even. Memory research.

He doesn't regret it. He doesn't. He can't believe how lucky he is. He really can kiss Eddie almost whenever he wants.

Sadly, that time is not now.

He managed to survive their entire shift without doing it. Not without thinking about it, maybe he can't stop thinking about it but he won't admit it. 

He's a grown and mature man. It shouldn't be so hard to cling onto kisses that don't even mean anything because that's what they agreed on.

The shift is okay. Disastrous LA kept them busy enough so he worked, he focused. Not on Eddie's hand on his back, not on his knees bumping when they were sitting at the back of the truck, not on the way his eyes looked like they covered his face almost entirely after he kissed him surprisingly. 

He is less distracted at the moment, when Ravi invited him to go to a bar after shift and he said yes, probably wanting to avoid Eddie a little more. Although, Eddie tagged along and that's why he finds himself now piercing through a guy’s back at the head as he could laser him with his gaze while Eddie supports himself on the bar talking to him. Waiting for their drinks, laughing brightly, shedding sunshine-like light into the room even when it's late at night and the lights in the bar are soft, dim, kissing softly on Eddie's skin.

He takes another sip at his beer that it's still so cold that the liquid itches his tongue. He turns his lips into a thin line when Eddie laughs with all his body at something the guy said, eyes glistening, maybe a little drunk, and puts a hand on his shoulder only for a second.

“Buck, man”. He remembers Ravi is still there because he shakes his arm to gain his attention back. “Look, I'm gonna go. I can't keep watching you yearning for our friend”.

“Hey! I'm not yearning”.

“Yes, of course you're not”. Ravi tells him, ironically and he rolls his eyes in response. “I'm kinda sleepy. So I'm gonna go and you can go take your man because someone’s stealing him from you”.

“He's not my man! You're insufferable”.

“You're worse, you're a menace when you're jealous. Say bye to Eddie for me.”. He finishes his tiny glass and goes. Buck waits only a second before he steps out of the place to go towards Eddie as fast as he can. He wasn't gonna let Ravi win but, well, he is kind of jealous.

He steps on Eddie's side, tugging his arm with his shoulder without even noticing. Eddie smiles, almost looking sheepish, and clasps his palm on the top of his back.

“Ravi had to go. He said goodbye”. Buck says to him, trying not to tremble and his next step is to investigate who this guy in front of him is.

“Oh, too bad”. Eddie hasn't moved his hand. Instead, he draws little shapes with his fingers in his shoulder blade. “Buck, this is Gus. I know him from El Paso”.

“Nice to meet you! Eddie was telling me that you're partners”.

Buck gulps at the choice of words. Partners. They are, truly. Partners, work acquaintances, best friends that kiss platonically. They can be all of that. Easily. He's not freaking out at all.

“I hope he was telling you good things about me”. Buck answers and smiles slightly. “What do you do?”

This Gus guy talks a lot. He owns the conversation, Buck manages to listen but kind of muffled. Rarely, he doesn't talk at all.

He wants to listen. This guy seems nice. Apparently, he moved to LA to open a gay bar. That's cool, he would be interested in that.

Only Eddie keeps moving his hand on his back. He doesn't stay in that shoulder blaze zone, at least not for long. Eddie smiles at the same time, sometimes chiming in the conversation, his cheeks filled with a beautiful color red, moving his hand softly across his back. Going up and down slowly, caressing his muscles, moving his fingers in a delicate way to graze his spine. He could feel nervous but instead, the touch melts him, his limbs turning into mushy honey. He has to take a deep breath when Eddie's hand stops in his lower back, resting on top of his ass. He has never done this before but it still feels natural, comfortable. Also, somehow, a hot ache grows in his stomach.

He still can't listen but Gus waves them goodbye so, apparently, the conversation is over. Buck leans closer to Eddie and that makes his touch on his back a bit stronger. He shudders, a lingering thought repeating in his head as he grabs the tiny glass of tequila that he ordered and chugs it quickly.

“Eddie, I'm going to the bathroom”.

“Okay”. Eddie takes his glass and drinks it too. When he's about to ask for another one, Buck stops him whispering to him right into his ear, so close he could give him a peck without any more movement.

“You don't wanna… come with me?”

Buck feels Eddie stiffen beside him and he wonders if he made some kind of mistake. But Eddie talks again, eager.

“Yeah, yes. I-would really like that”. 

Buck snorts at the answer. Eddie doesn't take his hand off his back in the short way to the bathroom, grabbing Buck like a lifeline. 

The bathroom is luckily empty when they enter and Buck goes to the closest stall, grabbing Eddie by the wrist to tug him along. He has to abandon his back but he doesn't protest, closing the door behind them. He rests on the door and Buck grabs him by the hem of his shirt. 

He's a little dizzy but he can't figure out if it is by the sips of alcohol he had or by the look on Eddie's big glassy eyes, following his own, a tiny crazy look directed at him and Buck thinks he would like to swallow him whole. Kissing him is a great start.

He doesn't know who pulls first. Eddie's hands rest on his neck when he does, and he makes his way too, still grabbing his shirt. It's a kiss that looks more like their first one, even if Eddie doesn't know. They kiss with open mouths, clashing into each other, phrenetic. Buck doesn't know if the alcohol he's tasting is his or Eddie's anymore. He only knows his tongue searches for the other and he keeps pushing more and more into his friend, pinning him against the door with his hips. His heart hammers insanely inside his ribcage, but it could be Eddie's heart by how close they are. Eddie moves his hands to trace into his hair, pulling a few curls on the way and if Buck’s mind wasn't just a bit slow by the alcohol, he wouldn't muffle a sound. But it is, and he groans inside Eddie's mouth, and he feels Eddie's smiling in between their kiss by that, and he wants to smile too now but Eddie tugs his hair again, happy for the response. He has to make the contact stronger, somehow it's not enough, so he puts his hands inside Eddie's shirt, cold against the heat that spreads on Eddie's stomach, on his ribs, on his chest, on his waist, when he presses there to smash their pelvises together even stronger, as it was possible, and the electricity he feels in his entire body makes him lose some breath.

A loud set of knocks on the door behind them makes Eddie's back vibrate and they break apart, panting, as someone outside shouts they can't do that here.

They end up outside waiting for their Ubers. Buck knows he's flaming red, embarrassed by the short amount of control he had. They are leaning against the wall and he takes a sheepish look at Eddie to talk after a few minutes.

“Man, that security guard knows me. I don't know how I can come back here after that”.

“Didn't you literally have sex in a bathroom before?” Eddie smirks at him and Buck feels some kind of glow inside his chest when he hits him softly on the shoulder.

“That was ages ago. And no one ever saw me!”

“Ok, we'll narrow down public bathrooms and the station”. He jokes and Buck starts shaking with laughter. Eddie accompanies him.

Buck battles his eyelashes next to him. “Maybe not cancel it all over. We could just be really quiet next time”.

“I was quiet. That's your problem”. Eddie narrows his eyebrows and when Buck is about to answer, his phone makes a sound.

“My Uber is almost here. Text me when you get home?”

Eddie nods, still unable to hide his smile and looks around the almost empty street. The people that are there don't pay any mind to them. He takes a deep breath before talking again.

“Kiss me goodnight?” He asks and Buck can feel a string pulling his heart.

Buck thinks he would never, ever, have the strength to deny that. Nor does he want to. He leans in, grazing his thumb in Eddie's jaw and gives him a soft kiss, brushing their lips together. When they break apart, Eddie looks at him with a sincere smile and Buck would love to come back home with him instead of alone.

That's not their arrangement, of course. So he locks that thought inside a box in his mind, a task a bit too difficult when Eddie presses his hand into his waist, searching for a last little peck with his mouth. Buck concedes before the car pulls up and it's time to go.

_____________

“Evacuate the building, now!” 

Bobby’s voice comes out of the radio in an urgent matter.

Buck understands why. The enormous warehouse trembles on his feet. He sweats profusely under his gears. Adrenaline that runs through his veins makes him forget how heavy his body feels, how his lungs start to struggle to expand more.

The night sky outside welcomes him and he pulls his helmet out, breathing heavily. He listens to Bobby, still far, as he blurts out each name of the team, followed by the sure answer from all of them.

“Buck? Come in?” Bobby asks him.

“Outside, Cap”.

“Eddie? Where are you?”

Buck waits one second, two. When the answer is still being static from the radio, not a trace of Eddie's voice back, Bobby talks again and Buck turns around on his feet to look at the building again, his eyes searching for some movement that indicates Eddie is okay. He only sees consuming, hot flames.

“Eddie? Come in?” Bobby asks, his tone a bit more stern now.

Again, silence. Buck clenches his hands inside his gloves, a tension that grows in his shoulders and makes his entire back feel like rocks. He gulps, getting more worried now, especially when Bobby asks for Eddie another time and there's not a slight response reaching their ears.

“Cap”, Buck talks into the radio. “I'm still close, I’m coming in”.

“No, no, no. Buck, we have to determine which wing he is”.

“There's no time”. Buck is impatient. Eddie could probably be unconscious, still inhaling smoke, hurt in some way that he can't move. His mind moves fast as hell, all the gruesome options make his hands tremble with panic. “Cap? Please”. His voice is loaded with despondent but he doesn't care how he sounds. 

And Bobby knows him too much, aware of how reckless he could be because this is about Eddie, because the next “Buck, don't. Not yet” he blurts out in the radio sounds like a scolding. Like he read his mind when Buck is resolved about coming back into the building to search. He can even start at the west wing because he heard Eddie going there at the start of the job.

And Buck hears the direct order. He knows it's too dangerous, he knows Bobby is probably coming down with a plan in mere seconds, which he can't wait for. He swallows a knot in his throat and the movement doesn't help at all to ease his concern.

He moves, unsureness engulfing him, ready to step back into the burning building. He can't see Bobby from where he is, and he hopes no one else can see him now and stop him.

“He's here”. Bobby breaks the static that was transferring into his brain. “He came down from the back. All good”.

Shit. Thank God. The stiffness in his back relaxes, but not entirely. When they all come back to the truck, he keeps looking at Eddie beside him as he's still checking everything is okay. The broken radio on his large hands, which was why he didn't answer earlier, the steady shift in his chest when he breathes in and out, and Buck doesn't notice he's counting each one of them until Eddie talks to him, interrupting the rambling in his own mind.

“You okay?”

Buck nods, lying. His fingers tapping nervously in his own leg calling him out and Eddie catches it. He moves his own hand to brush Buck's fingers, in a movement so swift that nobody else notices. Only it helps to soothe Buck, who sighs deeply, flatting his hand, stopping.

___________

As they come back to the station, Eddie goes to take a shower quickly. At least the fire kept him busy enough away from his thoughts. 

But, in the shower, without a single beat, his mind runs the foggy memory of his last kiss with Buck. When he threads his own fingers through his hair, he thinks of how he did the same to Buck in that bathroom stall, and the marvelous discovering that if he tugged, a blessed sound came out of him, as he couldn't help it. When he rapidly runs the soap on his torso, he smiles remembering Buck's callous hands running over him, pressing him, confusing him because he has never felt that way before wanting to shove his tongue down his friend's throat. When he knows the next image his mind will shove in for him to see like a movie in his head is how their hips clashed together and how he sensed it inside every vein in his body, he cuts the shower short. Being that horny is not part of their deal. Also, he can't. It's work. Maybe he would think about it again when he's home, alone, free in the darkness of his room.

It wasn't always like that, he tries to convince himself that he somehow isn't obsessing over the matter. Of course, he is obsessing. The problem is that was their last kiss and, as uncommon it still was for them to kiss whenever, as much as new this deal was, Eddie misses it. The plan failed a bit, because after their last shift, they didn't see each other for a whole day. And then, they were at work. And work-kisses are not allowed.

He forgot it was a 24 shift that was coming. If he realised sooner, he would’ve done something, like entering Buck's car when they arrived at the same time to kiss him as a good morning. (The parking lot doesn't have to count as work, he would argue with Buck if it came to that). 

Nevertheless, he didn't. The hours became longer and longer as he never found himself alone with Buck. He couldn't kiss him anyways, but he had to disguise every longing sight, every touch. There was a lot of that in an entire day, Eddie never noticed until now.

He had to be entirely aware of how he was orbiting around Buck, how his body pulled him like a magnet inside of him. When Bobby asked them both to help with dinner because he was too busy, Eddie didn’t lift his gaze off his own hands chopping onions as Buck busy himself with another thing. But when Buck moved around him, he pressed his hand on his waist, only a second of contact between them made Eddie want more.

Also, when there was a nuzzle, sleepy ambience in the firehouse as they all were a bit tired after a few calls, he cursed when Buck sat beside him in the couch, putting himself as close as he could like he always did, even when the furniture was big enough to keep them a few feet apart. And Eddie looked around, just as he did outside of the bar, to rest his leg on top of Buck’s which startled him a little, but he didn’t move. He took all of his strength to not look at him, in such a close distance, because how could he not lean in to search for his lips even when they were so out in the open.

There was a moment before their last call when he almost forgets where they were, that everyone was along with them sitting around the table, talking about nuances and kids and how well would they sleep after finishing their shift. Eddie was sitting across Buck and he ended up threading their ankles together, without even noticing he was doing it. He also almost put his hand on top of his, resting on the table, but he caught himself before continuing the action. Buck’s shoulders trembled with laughter from something Chim said out loud, blinking slowly thanks to exhaustion, taking his eyes off his phone to look directly at Eddie and give him such a soft smile that Eddie was certain that made him blush in less than one second. He looked at his lips unabashedly, totally ready to go hide somewhere and hoping Buck followed, because the urge was too much. Instead, the alarm blaring made them all go run to work, with urgency.

Now, when everyone is probably getting ready to go, Eddie walks down the quiet hall. A door to a bunk room opens on his side, and next thing he knows, someone is grabbing him strongly by his shirt and tugging him inside the dark room, the door closing behind him.

He’s startled by it. He jumps with the door in his back, instant reaction because of the surprise

“Shit, Eddie. It’s me”. Buck talks and he sees his shape line now that he listens to him. His eyes glisten in the dim lights and Eddie figures that they are alone. He rests his hand on top of his shoulder, again falling slowly for contact.

“You scared the shit out of me”.

“Sorry. Also, you scared the shit out of me!” Eddie doesn’t understand and he looks at him puzzled, as Buck appears strangely angry. “I thought something happened to you at the call. Don’t do it again”.

“What did you want me to do? It’s not like I broke the radio on purpose”. Eddie grimaces, a bit upset by the scolding. “Can we leave now? I’m tired”.

“No, I-I wanted to talk to you”. Buck lowers his tone, and he ducks his shoulders. “I’m sorry. I was worried. And scared. You know how fast my mind goes, I imagined the worst scenarios in like, five minutes”.

Eddie nods and traces his thumb in Buck’s neck, a brush so common between them that he doesn’t understand how he feels his nerves going up to the sky at the look Buck gives him back. He wants to be able to do magic suddenly and brush away all of the worry and terror in Buck’s face, to delete that frown on his forehead forever. “I’m fine, Buck”. That’s all he can give him and Buck leans in, pressing his forehead into his, his breath fanning on his face as they both close their eyes, a relieved sigh coming out of Buck’s mouth as he melts into Eddie’s touch.

“I’m glad you are. I know it wasn’t even a close call but I- I don’t know what I would do without you”.

“Hey”. Eddie moves his hand to press his palm into Buck’s chest and he looks at him again, a bit of the shadow of fear left going away from his face. “I’m not going anywhere”.

There's a steady and comfortable silence that follows. Eddie's hand feels like trembling thanks to Buck's heartbeat and he watches him deeply, a fondness growing in his chest that could swallow him entirely. And this has got nothing to do with remembering their first kiss, and they are at work, so it's not allowed. But he wants so badly to ask him to do it, to argue even, to plead just like he did when they were in his kitchen, only a few nights ago.

Eddie blinks slowly, hazed and doesn't say a word of what he's thinking. Doesn't say kiss me, please because it would make the lines too blurry, it wouldn't make sense as he had to admit to not having any reason for it, only that Buck's little brushes feels like gasps of air, like coffee injecting in his veins after a rough night, like grabbing a savior hand after a great danger, not feeling lost anymore. Only that he misses kissing him as if their last kiss wasn't two days ago.

But Buck's eyes are locked in his and he keeps drowning on that beautiful blue ocean. So, he's two seconds away to blurt it out, to fuck it all, to grasp the possibility as it folds.

He doesn't have to because Buck reaches the finish line first. He cups his cheek with his fingers, the only sound around them is from that skin-to-skin contact as he brushes Eddie's face and next, Buck is the one to cut the distance shorter until there's not a distance anymore.

Buck kisses him with strength, finding Eddie's back with his arms, hugging him. Eddie caresses his chest with both hands now, and the kiss is like the others but there's a sense of something more, too. Every beat of Buck's heart under his hands tells him a story, proves Maddie was the one who was right, because he can't wrap his head around the idea of this meaning nothing. Not for him, at least. Buck kisses him voraciously, as he is famished. But it's not only hunger that covers them, that's what Eddie really wants to think. There's a need in Buck to be sure that Eddie's still here, okay, alive. And more importantly, alongside him. Not leaving him as he just told him.

Eddie feels like he's losing his mind when Buck tugs his shirt, desperate, and his skin gets exposed to Buck's cold hands again when he touches his back directly, moving them upwards in a movement that somehow makes them break apart, panting, pupils full blown out and Eddie taking his shirt off, grabbing Buck by the back of his neck and angling his lips towards his own neck, a desire to be kissed by Buck in every inch of his body. Buck relents, a soft trail of kisses in Eddie's flushed neck that becomes into sucking when he trails down his chest, the wet sounds waking up a sense of ferocity in him, a happy smirk appearing in his face mixed with his eyes rolling backwards thanks to the waves of pleasure each kiss sends directly to his dick. His fingers are threaded into Buck's curls and he wants him to be as aroused, to want him as much. He remembers the bar and pulls some curls softly, not enough to hurt Buck but sure of how it works for him, because his friend bites his chest instead of sucking and he has to bite his own bottom lip to not mumble an embarrassingly hot sound.

“Buck…”. Eddie is making some sense, somehow remembering they are still at the firehouse. He still struggles as Buck comes back to his neck, gripping his waist so strongly in his hands he leaves finger marks, sucking so hard on his pulse point that he probably will get a bruise. “Fuck… Buck. Stop”.

They both keep their hands on each other but Buck listens, pulling his head up to look at Eddie's face and he looks red, a smug smirk plastered on his face, his pink lips swollen and humid and Eddie doesn't understand how in the world he isn't taking his clothes off too, who fucking cares where they are.

But this wasn't what they talked about.

“We're…” Eddie talks again, trying to catch his breath back. “We're at work, Buck. We can't”.

“Right, you're right”. Buck's face drops with disappointment. “I’m sorry”.

“No, don't be”. I wanted it, he thinks, but he doesn't dare to say it.

Buck tightens the grip he has in Eddie's bare waist and that makes him shiver. “What a stupid rule”.

Eddie laughs, grabbing him by the biceps to tug him apart so, next, he can get dressed. “You said it!”

“Yes, I had a few issues before with this, you know, Cap fired me”.

“It's easy, you know. You just have to keep it in your pants”. Buck rolls his eyes back but he’s still smiling.

Eddie is lost. He's not even close to saying goodbye, not tonight. They were together the whole day, of course. But he missed him in a strange way, the intimacy, the privacy, the intense and special look on Buck's blue eyes filled with fondness just as how he's looking at him right now.  

God, he loves him. When that clicks, when this entire scheme starts to (really) make sense to him, it’s the easiest thing he could’ve thought of.

“Hey”, Eddie feels steadier now, lighter. “Do you wanna go somewhere?”

___________

The night looks peaceful as they sit inside Buck's car. From the top of the cliff, they don't hear a thing. The city shines beneath them so the stars are probably there, in the firmament, but they can't see them. Only the full moon sheds a soft white light into the car.

Eddie doesn't care as he just watches Buck behind the steering wheel, head resting in the back of the seat, in that nice world between being awake and asleep. He traces his fingers in Buck's palm, moves them softly to soothe him and his own heart expands every time Buck hums with joy or tugs a tiny smile. The darkness and the loneliness appears to make him braver, more aware that he's been falling for so long that it's too late now. Almost dangerous. He clicks his tongue with the question that runs through his mind and he could ignore it but, what if it's the right time?

“Buck”, he says in a low voice, afraid to break the quiet atmosphere. Buck moves his head to watch him, struggling to keep his eyes open, slowly blinking like a kitten who just woke up. “Can I ask you something?”

“Shoot”. Buck also talks low, probably because of the exhaustion and he looks so nice, Eddie regrets his words before saying them.

“What happens if- each one of us wants to stop this?”

Buck clenches his hand for a second but Eddie doesn't stop with his caressing, the sleepiness going away fast. “Do you?” 

“No, no. It’s just…” Eddie leaves out a sigh, a bit lost about how to keep going. As much as he struggles with it, he has to be honest. He has to ask what his mind told him, really. “What if you meet someone?”

“What do you mean?”

“We know it makes sense- to us- but… we’d have to stop, obviously".

Buck looks at the front now, scrapes his gaze directly to the sky outside, purposefully trying to escape Eddie's eyes. “I’m not gonna meet anybody”.

He sounds definitive and Eddie knows that he let a door open, even if he doesn't know it. A bit of hope flutters in his chest, wondering.

“How do you know?”

“I just do, I’m that special”.

Eddie lets his face down, laughing and the anxiety slowly goes up in his chest, letting him know this is dangerous territory.

“So… and this doesn't mean I want to. When do we stop?”

“When you remember. That's the whole point”.

“What if I don't remember?” Eddie gulps. He has thought about the possibility before, and it doesn't make a show on him anymore, it doesn't feel so confusing or weird as it could be a week before. It does feel scary, the chance of losing Buck is what manages to keep the panic crippling hard inside him. 

“You will”. Buck shrugs, as he's totally sure that what they are saying totally makes sense and it doesn't open the possibility of stopping their lives forever.

“What if I don't and you lose someone important because of this. Of trying to help me. Or to prove a point. Anyways. Then what? We keep this forever?”

He looks at Buck again and he's already watching him back. He looks lost, the earlier tranquility sadly gone, his chest moving fast, maybe sharing Eddie's fear. 

Buck doesn't answer, so Eddie unravels, his chest tightens when he looks at Buck, when he feels his hand shaking behind him, when he sees his lips and can't help it longer without wanting, without taking, without confessing.

“What if I don't want to remember it?” He closes his hand on Buck's to squeeze it, the hidden secret being out in the open. Because he said that, but he wanted to say otherwise.

What if I want to keep this forever?

The soft light the moon offers them creates wonderful shadows on Buck's startled expression. His mouth opens, trying to say something, to pay mind at what Eddie just said to him but no sound comes out of him.

It feels like they are inside a bubble of tension, of unspoken words, of stolen brushes of hands, of hidden kisses in the dark. And more, how their friendship has worked through the years, how they lived together for such a short amount of time, how they died and kept coming back to each other, every time. All the pain, the grief, the misencounters, the injuries, the fights. And the hugs, the smiles, the help, the worship, the fact Eddie trusted Buck with his life, his son, and that was the first choice he made with entirely sureness in his life.

How they would do it all over again if it meant this is where they ended up.

He leans closer to Buck, as always being pulled in by him, by his sweet gaze, by the way he looks like he doesn't even believe this moment, this night.

He presses a delicate kiss on his lips. The fear trembles inside him as Buck shivers in his seat, a bit still. There's still a question, a hesitation, a slight doubt.

Do you want it too?

Buck answers by biting Eddie's bottom lip. And he burst out of his seams.

He lets go of his hand to grip his thigh. There's a sudden urge to be too close and, in each seat, it feels like they are miles away.

Buck seems to read his mind and to try to grant a wish he’s been having for a few days. He grabs Eddie by the hard spot in his ribs, wanting as well to have him closer. The movement Eddie does being lifted up by him is not delicate, he feels the car dashboard crashing into his ass and his head pushed to the car ceiling but they manage to end up in the position they wanted.

Eddie sits on top of Buck's lap and Buck presses his fingers into his waist as he wants to confirm he's real, he's not in some kind of dream. Eddie tries to soothe him, he always does, hugging him in the back of his neck and kissing him again. Buck's hands move frantically all the way to his back and this time, they don't move up. His palms reach out his ass quickly and he draws Eddie's hips right into his, a motion so frenzied that Eddie wants to tell him how good it feels, wants to curse, wants to moan, all at once.

He can't because his mouth covers Buck's and his tongue traces him inside and his hands move on their own, stumbling like when you try to walk being utterly drunk. They go down in a happy trail between Buck's hard pecs, passing pleasurably in his fluffy stomach, sensing his cold belt buckle before pressing the base of his palm in Buck's bulge, an animal groan coming straight out of his friend in response. 

He is probably going insane at the time, his hands almost trembling with urgency to touch Buck more, to feel all of him. Eddie unbuckles his belt and is too fast opening the zipper. Buck’s chest bounces rapidly in his and he senses his breath hitching, stopping their kiss to gain some air, when he contacts his hard dick beneath him, releasing it from his clothes and wrapping his hand around it.

Eddie, for the first time in days, is thankful for not kissing Buck. He would be thanking God or all of the forces of the universe or magic or destiny if he believed in any of that. He is thankful because he can watch, linger, stare at Buck like this as he moves his hand up and down, a cadence so slow that it could seem like he has a patience that's actually non-existent. And he watches Buck under the moon light, pink wet lips, mouth agape, the darkness of his eyes piercing the ceiling and Eddie is so full of Buck but also so greedy. He lifts his free hand up to touch his cheek so he can look at him too. When their eyes lock, when Eddie looks how the color red burns Buck's face and how his birthmark darkens with how aroused he is, he realises he has him all and it is and it isn't enough at the same time. He is certain, just like that, he can't waste any more time. He doesn't need to search for anyone else anymore. This is it. This is everything, it means everything.

Buck clicks his tongue below him, gripping his ass again and Eddie sees it, in the flick of his eyes, the same hunger that unravels inside him, that turns his organs upside down. And he's as hard as Buck is while he leaks in the grip of his hand.

The heat that surrounds them is almost too much. Buck puts his mouth at work again, kissing his neck just like he did at the station early. Eddie presses his head, threading his fingers in his hair, needy of his damp tongue against him even more, and he finally breaks into a moan when Buck moves his hands to his waist to angle Eddie's pelvis against his thigh. He moves his hips unabashedly, searching for a relief of his own pleasure. 

The noises are obscene, nasty, and manages to increase the lust inside Eddie's guts—the slick sound he makes with his hand around Buck's cock, each time a bit faster; the moans that continue to come out of him, humping Buck's leg like a feral animal; Buck sucking on his neck, shameless noises of his lips and his tongue devouring him, sending shivers all up to his body, pleasantly scrambling his brain.

“Buck…”, Eddie whispers and tugs Buck's hair to watch him again. His lips are bruised, his hair is muffled, he looks at Eddie as he was the last person on earth. He wants to kiss him as hard as ever. “I need to-”.

Buck kisses him first. With the closeness of his orgasm, Eddie moves frantically. His hips feel like having a life on their own. He surely isn't doing a good job at Buck's dick, feeling sloppy and tense and fast and there's too much to focus, he's almost too inebriated by it. Buck wanders around his open mouth with his tongue and Eddie does his best to not grip with his both hands for dear life, but he does it at Buck's hair and his friend moans inside his mouth.

It's too much. It's been too much for minutes now. Hours? He can't think about how much time has passed or how everything is gonna unravel. For some grace of the sky, he flicks his tired wrist for a few more bumps, also caressing the tip of Buck's dick when he senses it twitching. Buck stiffens in his seat before a full, grand release.

Buck's hips move involuntarily and it makes the contact with his own cock even better now. Eddie hugs Buck with both arms to hide his face in the crook of his neck, he holds him strongly, dipping his fingers into his large back and Buck, even falling out of his orgasm daze, angles him by the waist to help him get closer.

He bites the fabric of the shirt in Buck's shoulder when he lets go, his own orgasm following the path of his blood inside his veins. He shivers, feeling it inside his entire body.

He feels giddy, like he should burst out to laugh out loud, the Cheshire grin on his face a living proof of that. He kisses Buck's shoulder, can't even imagine how he could release him after this, how he could peel out of him and go into his cold, lonely, big bed. If it weren't for Chris waiting at home (he has to talk to him first), he would ask him to go with him. 

But don't leave again. Ever again.

Buck trembles in his arms and Eddie leaves him a last peck in his shoulder to look at him again.

“Shit, Buck”. Eyes rimmed out red, slow tears fall across Buck's face. Eddie moves his fingers in his back, trying to be soothing as Buck moves his hands to dress himself. “What happened? Did I hurt you? I'm sorry”. He apologises without even an answer because he wants to do everything in his control to stop his crying, the thought of him suffering makes him feel ripped out inside. 

“N-no, Eddie. Don't be”. Buck wipes his tears and some others fall following. “Shit, I'm sorry. I'm pathetic”.

“No, you’re not”. His gaze hardens as he says it, like a scolding. “Talk to me. What's the matter?”

“Nothing is, really. I- I- Are we gonna be okay? Are you?”

“Who cares Buck? You're crying! I was great until I saw you like that”. Eddie's face falls, a sudden thought forming in his mind. “I know, you regret it already”. Eddie tries his best to not reveal how sadder that makes him feel and moves to get back to the passenger’s seat, but Buck doesn't relent, grabs him by the waist again, hugging him as well.

“No, stop. I don't. I swear. It's just…” Buck sighs, trying to lift the weight out of his shoulders and Eddie would be so happy to carry all of that for him, to help him as much as anyone could. “I'm overwhelmed. I didn't expect this to happen. That's why I asked you if we're gonna be okay”.

“Buck, of course we are”. Eddie kisses his cheek more than once and it's Buck's turn to hide his face on his neck, inhaling all of Eddie hugging him, memorizing his smell and the white shirt he wears, and the full moon in the sky witnessing their kisses, their brushes, their words, maybe some sweet nothings if Buck can feel brave again.

“I'm scared, Eds”. Eddie kisses him on top of his head now, gripping him stronger. “I meant it when I said it didn't have to mean anything but I knew that it was gonna be impossible with you, I knew I was gonna fall-”. Short of breath, he breaks into sobs now. “I never intended this to happen, I swear. I didn't want to lure you into anything”.

“You didn’t!”

“I don't wanna make it weird, I just want you to be my best friend”.

“I'll always be your best friend. I'm your best friend and I'm in love with you. And if you wanna keep it as always with us, okay. I'll pretend forever I'm not in love with you. But I really don't want that, Buck”.

“But I-I-I always manage to fuck it all up”.

“Shit happens, man. You probably gonna fuck it up and I'm gonna do it too, probably more than once. We're gonna fix it. Would it really hurt if we… try? I wanna try, for you”.

Buck looks at him again, a pout in his mouth and stray tears making their way in his face. Eddie moves his left hand to wipe some of the tears away and Buck manages to smile softly.

“We can try”, Buck relents. And it's weird seeing him like that in this context, not a slight of smugness and the confidence hiding away. Eddie gets closer to kiss him again, tasting the salt from the tears in his lips and he feels a flap of wings in his heart, like some butterfly is about to burst out of his chest.

It's quiet, it's tranquil, it's serious, it means everything. It's all because of Buck.

“It's getting late, we should get going”. Buck whispers into Eddie's face and he can see clearly how the urge to sleep is coming to get him again.

“Ok, I'm driving. And you're staying home with me”. Eddie backtracks in his initial thinking, a bit because Buck can't drive alone like that and another one, because he really doesn't want to let go. He already knows the bed would feel too empty without him.

“Don't be dumb, I'm fineeeee…” His word gets caught in a large yawn.

“You're cute, Evan Buckley. How do you think I’d feel if I let you drive like that to your home and you fall asleep and kill yourself?”

Buck smiles, a bit fonder than before and does a tssk sound with his tongue. “You're so dramatic”.

“Mhm yeah, I don't care, let's go”.

“You know you have to get off of me first, right?”

“Right. That's gonna be a problem”.

Buck laughs, opens the door beside them and lifts Eddie up again, groaning as he tugs him out of the car to get out himself as well. Buck goes to the passenger seat and Eddie goes straight to driving, as he does now on the slightly long way home.

“i like that, you know?”

“You like what?”

“When you lift me up. If I didn't have a kid waiting at home, we would be doing a lot more of that tonight”.

“Eddie”, he chuckles but the laugh gets caught in his throat. “What are we telling Chris?”

“We can talk to him tomorrow. It's fine”. He actually hopes it will be. Eddie is not sure.

___________

“Buck! Come here, please”.

Buck is nearly about to make breakfast when he listens to Eddie from the bathroom after a good night of sleep threaded in Eddie's arms. He hopes it goes well with Christopher, who's still asleep in his own bed, unaware of everything that happened, because he can't give that up sooner. Or never.

He goes quickly to find him looking at the mirror, his face so red that half of his blood could be stored right there. He looks disheveled, puffy eyes showing he just woke up and still shirtless, only wearing shorts.

“Oh”. Buck chimes in, captured by the soft angles and rough edges of his torso, already wanting to crawl in the crook of his neck and kiss him everywhere, many times. Instead, he has to focus on looking at the consequences of last night. “That's gonna be a problem”. His face doesn't match with his words, because he lights up.

“Wipe that smile off your face! I can't leave the house like this”. Eddie lifts his head, takes a closer look into the mirror, and touches the hickeys that go across his neck. Buck keeps smiling, fondly.

“Well, then we stay here”. Buck goes to him, unable to keep in his place and hugs him from behind. Eddie relaxes into his touch feeling the soft fabric of Buck's hoodie on his body. “I would tell you to come back to bed so I can finish that job... but we have to talk to Chris”. He looks at them both in the reflection and Eddie is smiling too, unsuccessfully trying to hide the smirk.

“You’re not solving my little problem here, Buck”.

“C'mon, you can barely see it”. Eddie squints his eyes, unconvinced, and Buck kisses his cheek. 

“Dad?” Christopher talks loud from the other side of the room and Buck jumps away from Eddie, startled. Eddie chuckles and grabs a dark blue shirt that's lying around in the bathroom to go to Chris.

“Coming!” He answers and Buck waits a few seconds more to follow him behind, putting his hands inside his pockets, crunching down.

“Good morning”. Chris greets Eddie already sitting at the dinner table, squinted eyes and curly messy hair that looks so much like when he found Buck just woken up that he feels a soft tug inside his chest. He smiles fondly. “Buck, you're here!”

“Good morning, kid. I wanted to make us some breakfast”.

“Also”, Eddie sits down in front of Chris and Buck does the same at his side. “We have to tell you something first”.

Chris sighs, as he was tired of this conversation already, a rare impatience that wakes an urge on Eddie to grab Buck's hand, to ease both of their nervousness, so he has to fiddle his own hands below the table to soothe himself. He looks at Buck and he directs him a soft, encouraging smile.

“Some things… changed. With us. Buck and I, I mean”.

Chris nods, a glint of understanding in his eyes but not answering right away.

“We don't wanna do anything about it until we tell you!” Buck chimes in, his voice louder than it should be, probably by his nerves.

“Okay, please stop talking. I know”. Chris answers slowly, as he wants to end their suffering. “You're dating. I’ve known for like a month, now?”

Buck scoffs, confused and looks at Eddie who's face is entirely red. “But we started like a week ago!”

It's the first time in the conversation that Chris looks genuinely confused. “You guys are so weird”.

“So, what- what do you think? You can ask any questions you want, to me or Buck any time”. Eddie explains, gulping.

“It's okay”, he says, almost unfazed. “You are happy. You’re always on top of each other too”.

Buck laughs and grabs Eddie's hand on top of his thigh, where he's still fidgeting nervously until the contact reaches him.

“Although”, Christopher speaks again. “You have to buy makeup or something. That hickey is embarrassing, dad”.

“I told you!” Eddie scolds Buck and Buck pays mind to it by squeezing his hand with an amused look.

“Okay”, Buck lets go of Eddie's hand, getting up off his chair. He has to blink rapidly to ignore the happy tears that threaten to slip away. “Who wants breakfast now?”

___________

It's nighttime when Buck realises everything that happened the past few days.

How has so much has changed and at the same time, nothing did?

This is new, at least. And Buck finds it one of the favorite moments of the day.

Christopher abandoned them ages ago after doing a movie night. Buck watches Eddie snoozing, his head comfortably on top of his lap, laying on the couch. The TV shades different colors in the room and the sounds stay on in the background, as Buck only focuses on Eddie under the soft lights, looking beautiful with his long eyelashes moving calmly under Buck's gaze and his face completely relaxed by how tired he is.

At this point, it's pretty obvious Eddie loves touching him. Caressing him, soothing him, brushing his fingers against every part of his body. It is because of Buck, a part of it is, because that's really not new. Nevertheless, Eddie loves touching and being touched.

Buck is granting Eddie's wishes. His too.

He feels Eddie's skin under his soft brushes in his face. He caresses Eddie's jaw, passing through his cheeks, paying special attention to the cute freckle below his eye, always a favorite spot for him. He follows with his forehead, his nose and when he grazes at his lips, there's a sudden urge to kiss him. Not uncommon these days, he brushes the pad of his thumb in Eddie's bottom lip and Eddie smiles under it, his breath fanning in his fingers.

“Eds”, Buck whispers. “It's late. I should go”.

Eddie is still in that fantasy state between being asleep and awake. Even then, he grips Buck’s wrist langidly as it would work to stop him.

“Don’t! Stay”. He says, his defenses totally down because of his sleepy state.

Buck chuckles, his movements still because of Eddie’s grasp. “I need to go. We have work tomorrow. I have to take a shower”.

“So? Take it here, like last night”. Eddie opens his eyes, slowly blinking and moves his free hand to cup Buck’s jaw, as Buck shivers. “Maybe we can shower together”.

Buck looks at him, his unabashed glinted eyes and his mouth in a funny smirk and he knows how bad he has it. How he feels for him. He threads his fingers in Eddie’s, on the hand that covers his face and tugs it closer to his cheek, a fine fluffy feeling steading in his heart. “I love you, you know?”

Eddie tugs him by the back of his neck to kiss him softly. A golden glow coming from him, as he was magic. Buck doesn’t know how he is so lucky. “I love you too. C'mon, stay”.

It's too hard to say no to him.

Also, Buck doesn't want to.

At last, he stays.

Chapter Text

The room is spinning, his tongue is heavy inside his mouth, a mix of flavors that he identified at first: beer, vodka, tequila. The night kept going as he kept drinking, but he had no idea how much and what. Eddie's eyes try to focus on something steady. He splays out his hands in his lap, his own palms wrinkled and a bit dirty face him as he manages to stop the whirlwind of the world.

Another big, heavy hand joins his left. He looks at his side to find his best friend ogling him, beaming. His white shirt looks awful, his curls are splattered in his forehead, he laughs bobbily, another proof of how Eddie isn't the only one disgustingly drunk.

“Eds”, Buck's voice is low, the next words sound a bit slurry, a pinch of more laughter covers them. “Your hands are so big!” 

Eddie finds the statement hilarious, nods while he laughs with his whole chest, showing his full set of teeth. He squeezes Buck's hand on top of his and Buck's laugh sounds a little hesitant, but it must be his drunk imagination because the doubt goes as fast as it comes.

Eddie notices only now that they are alone in the room. He knows it was full of people, of girls they didn't know, of guys that kept dancing. He remembers someone trying to rip his shirt off and maybe Buck being the one helping. And he's probably not wrong because his chest is fully exposed, his chest hair muffled under his St Christopher chain.

He keeps staring at Buck at his side. Dork smile, eyes glassed, taking so much space in the couch that he could be melting in it. Buck would be a great couch, must be nice sitting on his lap, he thinks, before Buck talks again, slowly.

“What are you thinking about?” A joking look on his face when he asks and Eddie wishes he isn't reading his mind.

About sitting on top of you. About how good you look in that suit. About your drunk smile making my heart take a leap. About your cold hand grounding me to the room, not leaving mine after so much time. About your lips tinted with some alcohol, don't know which kind. About how I could take a guess if I tasted your mouth. About how you look so beautiful, handsome that something is sizzling inside my guts.

“That we're alone”. Eddie answers with one of the options of his long list. The safest.

“Yeah, right, right”. Buck answers, seemingly absentminded. He releases Eddie's hand to lift his arms up in the air and stretch, blaring an exaggerated yawn. Eddie laughs by the sound but his look is glued to Buck's belly when his shirt moves with his stretch. A sudden tug in his stomach, a rare wave of heat coming over, the strange wish to sink his fingers into that soft space of fat. It's how a medieval man must have felt when he saw an ankle. As ridiculous as the idea is, Eddie senses the need to bite Buck with desire. Of course, Buck moves his arms down again and rests his hands on his thighs. And, oh God, his thighs have always been so hot? “I’m tired. I should be… going to sleep”.

Buck says it with a pause in the middle. Some thought passes through his mind and Eddie catches how he felt distracted for that second. 

He wants to go to sleep. No. Eddie wants him close. They are already, his legs bumping each other, his shoulders finding themselves in the middle of the couch. But he wants him closer. He's going insane, but he wants to swallow him whole. He wants to merge into him. To warm the way Buck's body runs cold. To calm the urge to touch him sternly.

Maybe if he wasn't so drunk, he wouldn't keep him so close. He wouldn't think all of that, running away at the first weird thought.

Nevertheless, he is too drunk.

“Don't go… not yet”. Eddie grabs Buck by the collar of his shirt, not caring about what the hell has been going there, all tainted and sweaty.

“I-I wasn't moving, Eddie”.

They don't move, like there's nothing else to do. Buck's eyes are locked in his and somehow, the silence between them shifts the ambience. It's not uncomfortable, with them, never is. But Eddie can see Buck's chest falling heavily and in his ears, he only listens to his own heartbeat going crazy.

He doesn't have to do anything, but he wants to. He wants him closer now than a few seconds ago. He licks his own lips, tilting his head, lowering his gaze so slightly to look at Buck's mouth, expecting, in a soft pink color and comes back to look at his eyes. He needs him.

“You're wrecked, you know? You look so… pretty”.

It doesn't come as a surprise when he tugs him by his shirt to ease that need. His mouth is just a bit apart when he connects with Buck's lips and they are kissing too quickly, Buck answers immediately. Movements too fast and too decided that barely match with how drunk they both are.

His hands move to press into Buck's nape, still the wish there to get him closer, an itch he can't quite scratch. A bit more now when Buck's cold hands find his torso, his chest, his waist, his hips, moving him towards him in an action that almost makes him hiss. The combination of Buck’s coldness caressing his feverish skin makes him lose himself. It's still not enough, so Eddie brings his legs on top of the couch to rest his feet along Buck's sides. And that's better, that's more, because he can thread his fingers in his short hair and can feel Buck's palms gripping his back and can angle Buck's dick in his ass. Maybe that's what he needed, that's why his mind doesn't scream to tug him closer anymore. It's impossible.

Eddie shivers when he tastes Buck's tongue with his, and apparently he had some red wine tonight because there's that bitter alcoholic savour and it could be gross but it isn't, it never will be. He could taste the entire spectrum of beverages inside Buck's mouth and he wouldn't complain at all. He wants to form a plan soon to keep doing it, he thinks as he moves his hips to rock on top of Buck, to inhale the groan that Buck lets out with the action. Buck presses into him, relaxing more in the contact while his hands digs in his bones, he can feel him inside out. He breathes through his nose, refusing to close his mouth, to lose that proximity, that soft feeling in his chest, that tranquility it arrives with something that feels so good and so right. Something he has never felt before. How did he not know that slotting with Buck's broad and firstly cold, now warmer body could feel like that?

Buck is the one that breaks apart, trying to gain some air. Eddie would trade all the oxygen in the world for two more seconds of that kind of kiss. With Buck, only with him.

His lips still form a pout as he’s still looking for Buck's mouth but the moment it's gone.

Buck passes his hands through Eddie's thighs before untangling from him, getting away from him, a little bit unsteady, dazed.

“Im-I-Im… I'm going to the bathroom”.

With only that, he’s alone.

Eddie wakes up the next day, inside the bathtub? There's not such a thing as the memory of a kiss, let alone a full on make out, in his mind. Only the annoying grumbling in his stomach, the hangover taking over him. Everything goes too fast after that.

_________

Eddie opens his eyes, startled.

“Buck”, he says, whispering with Buck hugging him in bed, totally asleep. He can't help to thread his fingers into his left hand, where the engagement ring sits perfectly into Buck's finger. “Baby, wake up”.

Buck smiles, kind of asleep still, not nudging, not wanting to keep his eyes open. “What's wrong, Eds?”

“I remember it. I just dreamed about it”.

“Ok, honey. Tell me everything tomorrow”. He yawns and Eddie moves only a bit closer to kiss his neck softly.

“You looked so hot”. 

“I didn't, I was disgusting”.

“Shut up. You told me I was pretty”.

“Well you are”. Eddie lifts himself up in his hands releasing his fingers, not at all asleep like Buck is. He kisses Buck's jaw and feels the itching of his stubble under his lips. And the way he smiles faintly under him. “You're not gonna let me sleep anymore, are you?”

“I told you”, he catches Buck's eyes in the pause. Buck really looks at him now, more awake, and his fingers find their home in the back of his neck and then caressing all of his muffled hair, when Eddie comes back to his neck to continue with the kisses. “You looked so hot. Now too”. 

“You seriously got all horny because you dreamt of the goddamned kiss?” Buck talks with the ghost of a laugh in his voice but his breath hitches when Eddie sucks the side of his neck, settling better on top of him, straddling him.

“Yes that and because I didn't know you called me pretty”.

Buck rips out a laugh by that, rounds his arms around Eddie's waist to feel his whole weight on top of him, tugs him closer. He kisses him still with a smile on his face and it's so common now. He seems to be smiling and laughing all the time, more than ever before.

It is because of sharing everything with Eddie. A bed, a home, a child, and more. It doesn't even seem so different than before, but it is.

Because sleeping next to him, being woken up by his soft kisses, by his brown enamoured look, by the scent of his shampoo clinging into the sheets, by the eager need he keeps showing for him it's different. And it's perfect. And Buck can't imagine how they spent so much time, so many years without doing any of the sort. And it makes so much sense to him how incredibly terrified he was of losing him before starting their whole relationship, he wouldn't live in a world without Eddie.

He is sure now. That feeling of fear soaking him isn't there. He knows he's never gonna lose him as much as he knows Eddie's coffee order and Chris favorite shirt and how Eddie loves when he leaves little notes all around the house claiming his love for him to find and the way Eddie cuts his sandwiches in triangle shapes because he likes it more that way even if it sounds stupid or senseless, but he would never tell him that sort of thing because he doesn't even think about it.

He knows Eddie loves him with all of his heart and moreso, he keeps repeating that beside him in bed when they already finished and they are snuggling together, ready to go to sleep again, at least for a short amount of time.

Buck doesn't think he will sleep anymore and he could get up and go for a run or look for some breakfast. But Eddie clings into him, as he does, and he can't think of a reason enough to not savor the time they have left for today before going to work.

Eddie is the one all snuggly, barely asleep, but he still whispers inside Buck's skin. “I love you”.

“I love you too”.