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Chapter Text

The apartment was quiet, the ceiling fan spinning rhythmically above Rafael’s head.  He’d had a million doubts as to how his trial was going to go, and if he was honest, he hadn’t expected it to go so well.  If anything, he’d figured he would be given a couple of weeks to put his affairs in order before having to turn himself in.  Lucky for him, the people of New York thought differently. 

He hadn’t planned on pulling the plug that kept Drew Householder–a cherubic-faced, brain-dead toddler–breathing.  Drew’s parents, Maggie and Aaron, were caught in the quagmire occurring when the US healthcare system had to wait for its legal system to catch up.  There was no more hope for Drew; it was time to allow his life to end.  However, the courts had yet to rule it appropriate for the hospital to rescind care. In his grief, Aaron had kidnapped Drew in an effort to keep him alive no matter what, but had quickly been apprehended by SVU.  That’s how Rafael first found himself sitting across from Maggie, Drew’s mother, who was desperate to let her baby go.

Rafael was fairly certain Maggie knew nothing of how much he empathized with her.  It wasn’t like he’d told her anything about his own personal history. He hadn’t even spent very much time around her, only what he was required to spend to do his job.  Knowing they still needed to speak, Maggie had asked Rafael to come by Drew’s hospital room, so he had, naively thinking he’d walk out the same man.

But when Rafael had walked into that hospital room, heard the music, seen the flowers, felt the pain–the tears in Maggie’s eyes that her son would never witness–he was thrown back in time to September 1990, sitting vigil by his father’s side as the older man slowly, painfully dwindled away.  

Except this time, in this room, Rafael could make it right.  So he did.

Over the years, there had been a handful of experiences he’d had that had required him to ask himself what the hell he’d been thinking.  This was not one of them…mainly because he knew he hadn’t been thinking at all.  He’d gone on autopilot and done exactly what he wished he’d done for his father all those years ago.  When Maggie couldn’t unplug her son’s machines, he calmly directed her to leave, to go home.  Then he prayed to a God he hadn’t worshipped in years, and unplugged the baby’s life support. 

By the time his professional self caught up to his personal self, it was too late to change course, and he was almost glad.  He knew beyond a doubt, logically, that he had done the right thing for that child and for his family.  However, he also knew nothing worth doing comes without paying a price, and he couldn’t imagine how steep the price for this might be.

It ended up costing him a charge of second-degree murder, as well as the loss of friends, family, and the professional reputation he’d worked to build for twenty-one years.  Most people he knew and cared about simply stopped responding to his texts or calls.  A few actually had the balls to tell him that they made it a policy not to spend time with child murderers.  Those people he could respect a little more.  At least they spoke their minds, and he couldn't say he blamed them.

His own mother fell into that group.  “I’m a school principal, Rafael!” she’d cried when he had called her.  “What the hell do you want me to do?  What do you expect of me?  How do I go back to my job and face my teachers, my parents, my colleagues, and still expect them to believe I will keep their children safe?”  He could hear her blowing her nose.  “I just don’t understand…you couldn’t do this for your own papi, yet you unplugged a stranger’s child?”

He couldn’t explain it either, other than the fact he’d had over twenty years to think about it, to mull it over, to feel the guilt grind into him day after day of letting his old man suffer like he did.  Back then, he’d been a believer, and he’d used that belief as a way to justify keeping his father alive, despite the fact he knew it was painful for everyone. But when he looked at Drew and Maggie, and thought of the months he and his mother had spent unable to move forward or back, he knew it had to end as quickly as possible.  Nobody deserved the suffering that came with being lost in purgatory, not even Miguel Barba–and especially not an innocent child like Drew.  He knew that now.

The trial had finished two days ago, finding him not guilty.  The only friend of his that attended was Olivia Benson, his unofficial “work wife”.  She was the woman he loved and considered one of his closest confidantes.  To repay her loyalty, he managed to break her heart by leaving the DA’s office for good.

It hadn’t taken him long, once the trial began, to understand he could never work for the city of New York again–at least not as an Assistant District Attorney.  Not only would it put him in a compromised state with any future defendants, but seeing the spark in Jack McCoy’s eyes at the prospect of his trial left a nasty taste in his mouth.  So he made the decision far before the trial had ended to leave his job; he just kept it to himself until today.

Once he’d turned in his letter of immediate resignation to McCoy’s secretary, he spent the day packing up his office and visiting with a few still-loyal colleagues.  There was no goodbye party, no after-work drinks.  McCoy stopped by, a mask of concern on his face, asking if he could somehow talk Rafael into staying.  Rafael made it easy for him and immediately told him no, so he didn’t have to try too hard.  Besides, they both knew there was no way in hell that Rafael would ever work for a man he couldn’t trust.

It wasn’t until later, as he stood on the slushy street outside the courthouse in the late afternoon, that he felt the magnitude of what he was leaving.  As he was reminiscing on all that he’d learned there–everything that the city had given him, good and bad–he realized he was no longer alone.  Olivia was there, standing next to him; he could sense her presence as sure as he knew the sun would rise and set.  As they stood side by side, he was sure she planned to try to talk him out of resigning, much like she tried to talk him out of most things she didn’t agree with. But instead, he beat her to it–began speaking before she could, talking about how she’d changed him.  He told her he’d started out like Gary Cooper in an old black and white western, and she moved him into technicolor.  Wizard of Oz, maybe?  It was a rather flamboyant speech about colors and black-and-white TV and cowboys, pressing the limits even for him, and she should have laughed in his face. But she didn’t.

That’s why he loved her.

“I’ve got to move on.”  The words forced themselves out, but Rafael was stunned at how relieved he felt as soon as they were spoken.

Olivia’s head dropped as she pursed her lips and closed her eyes.  Instinctively, he reached up and wrapped a hand around her head, then kissed her forehead.  He loved her with all of who he was, but he had to let this go.  It felt like a breakup, and unfortunately, Liv was lost in the crossfire.  But if he didn’t let go, he knew he’d break completely.  As it was, he’d been untethered for months, taking professional risks that he knew were dangerous at best.  Charging an airline for rape, withdrawing sexual assault charges already in trial before they could go to the jury…it was a wonder he hadn’t been fired before now, and he knew it.

Still, Liv had always been there.  She’d never failed him.  She’d backed him up in public, even when he’d made questionable choices that she didn’t agree with.  She was his work wife, and if he wasn’t gay, he’d want her as his wife in every sense of the word.  Liv had been the one woman who’d caused him to re-evaluate where he fell on the bisexuality scale.  More than once. 

“Rafa,” she finally managed, forcing a smile, and God, it was lovely. “Are you still gonna try to take that trip?” She was referencing the trip to Curacao…the one he’d bought six months ago, and had offered to her recently, since he was sure he’d be hanging out for ten to twenty in Riker’s.  

(She’d refused, of course.  Insisted he’d be able to take it.) 

Her smile held just an edge of a tease to it.  “Just think…now you can really relax, not worry about any of these cases.  Focus on your tan.”

“You’re right,” he agreed.  “When I return, I’ll be completely relaxed and as tan as a beach bunny.  Ready to start a new chapter, right?”

Her smile was wistful.  “I’ll miss you,” she’d said, and he knew she wasn’t just talking about the trip.

His bags were packed, and he was ready to leave bright and early.  To be honest, that trip seemed like a blessing now;  it gave him something to focus on rather than the fact he was responsible for the death of someone else’s child.

Closing his eyes, Rafael tried to lull himself to sleep.  Sleep had become a bit of a stranger the last few months, and he was hoping to get re-acquainted.

Chapter Text

“Sir, walk through the metal detector, please.”  The TSA agent waved Rafael forward, so he stepped through without issue. 

She motioned to her side.  “Step out of the line, sir.”

Confused, Rafael followed her directions and waited until she approached him again.  “Sir, spread your arms out and your legs apart about a foot.”  Taking her wand, she slowly ran it along his arms, then over his torso.  She spent an extra minute scanning his waist before moving on to his groin, then his legs, and his feet. The woman was nothing if not thorough.  “Turn around, please.”

He turned to face the wall, which at least made it easier to pretend that other passengers weren’t paying attention.  She did a slow pat-down of his shoulders. “All right, sir, follow me,” she instructed, and once again, Rafael followed her, this time to a podium located to the side of the screening area. 

The agent handed him his shoes and motioned to a chair that he could use, and Rafael sat down to put them on.  “You heading to Curacao, Mr. Barba?” she asked, her hands now on her hips and her eyes narrowed at him.

Feeling even more uncomfortable, Rafael finished tying his shoe.  “Yes, that’s the plan,” he responded, standing up.  “Can I have my ticket and my bag now?”

The agent handed the items to him, her expression void of any kindness.  “Just stay away from any children while you’re there,” she said, and Rafael felt his face flush red.  “Especially ones in hospitals.  They have harsher laws about that where you’re headed.”  

Rafael felt his pulse quicken even more, a mix of anger and shame.  He stood, his eyes meeting hers and holding her gaze for a long moment, but she didn’t look away.  Without responding any further, he took his items and headed toward the gate, feeling her eyes on him the entire distance.

Rafael fumed all the way to his gate before settling into a seat. This trip was supposed to be completely void of any reminders of the last three months of his life.  When he’d bought the tickets six months ago, it had been with the purpose of getting out of the city during its most cold and dreary months.  It was no secret to anyone that Rafael hated the winter months. His grandparents were Cuban immigrants, and most of his extended family was still in Havana and Miami.  He was hard-wired for heat, so when the opportunity to visit Curacao in February appeared, he didn’t wait.  He bought it immediately, and hadn’t regretted the purchase even once–until it appeared he might not be able to go.

“Flight 2416 to Willemstead, Curacao,” an attendant announced, and Rafael grabbed his carryon bag, then got in line.  Were other passengers looking at him, or was it just his imagination?  He swore he saw one woman pull her young daughter closer, and an older gentleman stared at him.  He’d never been more thankful that he’d decided to go first class this trip; it would hopefully limit his interaction with other travelers.

Once he was on the plane, he quickly settled himself into his seat.  It was large and comfortable, and he was sitting alone, thank God. Out of habit, his eyes drifted to each passenger boarding, and it only took a moment before someone’s eyes lingered a bit too long, reminding him again of the extensive news coverage of his trial.  He found himself wondering if the people he’d noticed looking really recognized him, or just had a faint sense of seeing him before.  Either way, it caused his face to flush and his heart to beat uncomfortably fast.  

He reached into his carryon and quickly found the novel he’d recently started, a new thriller by Margo Black.  She was an up-and-coming author who had quickly developed a cult following. Her first novel, The Fear Clinic, had gotten him through some sleepless nights during the trial.  This new one, Other Cold Dishes, looked to be even more engaging.  It was a story about a New York attorney who got in over his head when an ex-lover attempted to blackmail him.  Something about the story really appealed to him, and soon he was focused on his reading instead of his fellow passengers.

It was a three-hour flight.  Between the two glasses of scotch, a few snacks, and his novel, Rafael managed to kill the time.  He was excited when the pilot announced their descent, and put his novel away so he could watch through the window as they landed.

From the sky, the island was breathtaking.  Its crystal-clear blue waters kept Rafael’s eyes focused for the time it took to descend, and he immediately found himself thinking about all of the adventures he’d initially planned for this trip.  Swimming, sailing, possibly snorkeling, and catching up on relaxation were all high on his priority list–or had been six months ago when he’d booked this trip.  Of course, he’d fantasized that he’d have a significant other as well by then, someone who enjoyed the same kinds of things as he did, but wasn’t too focused on dragging him into a heavy relationship.  He’d held his work as his mistress for too many years, and he told himself that he liked it that way.  It kept his priorities straight, and made life easier for him in a lot of ways.  Once he had booked the trip, he found himself thinking about the perfect partner to accompany him.   Someone who was fun and sexy (but not TOO sexy), and could appreciate that he was the same (fun and kind of sexy…for a guy who spent eighty hours a week behind a desk) seemed like a good fit. 

It wasn’t until the trial–and looking out into the gallery to realize he was alone–that Rafael began to recognize the value in having a much deeper relationship.  He never voiced it to anyone, but sometimes in the middle of the night, he allowed himself to fantasize that he was married, or at the very least had a long-term, committed lover.  Someone who would lose more than an occasional lay if he ended up in Rikers. But then the morning would come, and it would be time to face what he’d done yet again, and he’d push that desire as far down as possible.

As he made his way off the plane and through the airport to transportation, Rafael immediately felt a sense of relief as he realized nearly everyone here was a stranger.  Nobody here seemed interested in him; they were far more interested in Curacao, or in one another.  By the time he reached the resort shuttle, he’d managed to step back into a sense of anonymity that left him far more relaxed. Here, he wouldn’t have to be recently acquitted former ADA Rafael Barba.  Instead, he could just be Rafael Barba, a guy in desperate need of a vacation.  Climbing onto the shuttle, he found a pair of seats toward the middle of the bus and settled into the one closest to the window.

It felt safer here to meet the eyes of other travelers, and although he’d pulled out Black’s novel, he allowed himself to say hello and smile at the other passengers. A mix of families, couples, and singles filled the vehicle.  A young couple, sitting diagonally away from him, spent most of their time kissing, smiles never leaving their faces, and Rafael found himself wondering if they were recently married.  There was a little boy in front of him, making faces out the window and giggling at his own silliness. He noticed a gay male couple board the shuttle, and found himself wondering how long they’d been together.  How had they met each other? What was their love story like? The shuttle filled quickly, and Rafael found himself surprised at just how full it became.  Checking his watch, he saw they’d be leaving in a few more minutes.  The seat next to him was still empty, and he almost hoped it would stay that way.  He certainly wouldn’t mind a little extra room to relax in.

As the thought crossed his mind, he heard the doors to the shuttle close behind the last passenger.  Finally, he found himself thinking, closing his eyes and smiling, until he heard a voice that caused his stomach to immediately knot in anxiety–the strongest Staten Island accent he’d heard in years, and it was speaking to HIM. 

“Excuse me, mind if I join ya?”

Of all the people on this shuttle, I get the one New Yorker, he thought to himself. Rafael looked up to see an extremely attractive man standing next to the empty seat, waiting for him to respond (or maybe move his bag).  Caught off guard, he immediately said, “Um, yeah.  Sure,” and moved his bag to the floor. His new seatmate settled in, fastening his seatbelt, and shooting Rafael an easy grin.  Rafael smiled back, then reached into his bag, retrieving his copy of Other Cold Dishes.   Flipping to his bookmark, he found his spot and began to read. The shuttle took off, heading toward the resort, and soon he was absorbed in the plot.

“Hey, uh…sorry to disturb ya,” he heard a few minutes later, “but that book is fantastic.”

Surprised that this man was interrupting his reading (and even more surprised because he was clearly a New Yorker not focused on the trial), Rafael decided to entertain the conversation.  “This?” he asked, waving the book slightly.

The man nodded.  “Oh yeah,” he said, friendly grin on his face.  “Didja read the first one? That one was amazing! This second one though?  Wow in a completely different way.”  The man chuckled.  “I mean, mind blown.  WHOOSH!”

Rafael accidentally let out a soft snort, and was unsure whether to be embarrassed or not.  “Obviously, I’ve just started the second one,” he explained, “but I really enjoyed the first one.  It was a complete page-turner–”

“You’re tellin’ me!” the man exclaimed, blue eyes going wide.  “I couldn’t put the damn thing down!  I lost sleep over that book!”

Oh dear God.  Those eyes…have I ever seen that color before? What do you even call that?  Ice blue? Rafael’s thoughts were running away with him, but his smile was plastered to his face.  Ice blue eyes… Suddenly, his mind hummed a rhythm from his college days.  Then his memory added the lyrics.   Ice, ice, baby…vanilla ice ice, baby…

“So how far are you into the second one?” Ice Blue Baby asked, motioning toward the novel.

Rafael was still staring at the other man, rapping in his head, until the guy reached over and touched the book.  “Hmm? Oh! Oh, um…page twenty-six,” he replied. Chuckling, he added, “I’ll probably be done with it by tomorrow, though.”

“Maybe not,” Ice Blue Baby said, giving him a friendly wink, and Rafael’s heart skipped a beat.  “You ever been to this place before?  It’s got tons of great shit to do,  lots of ways to meet people–I mean, if that’s your kind of thing.  Most everyone’s really friendly. Maybe you’ll be too busy to finish the book…although I wouldn’t fault ya if you decided to stay in one day and finish it.” He gave Rafael a friendly nudge in the arm, and they grinned at each other.

“Sounds like you’ve been here before,” Rafael said, noting no ring on the man’s hand.  “I’d enjoy meeting a few friendly people, I guess…if their taste in books is as good as yours.”  Daring himself to live a little more recklessly, he allowed himself to wink–WINK!--at the man.

Ice Blue Baby laughed, the perfect mixture of fun and sexy, and Rafael felt a strong urge to get to know him better.“Yeah, I’ve been here many times.  In fact, I work here, so don’t be surprised if ya see me during the week.  Unless you avoid the water at all costs.”

“Really?” Rafael asked, flirting lightly.  “Where should I look for you? I’m assuming there’s water all over this place, but I’m pretty sure I’ll want to find you at least once.”

Ice Blue Baby’s cheeks flushed pink as he smiled. “When they allow me out of the office, I’m usually teaching windsurfing lessons.  You ever windsurf before?”

“Nope,” Rafael replied.  “Spent a lot of summers in Miami when I was a kid, but that wasn’t something I ever got the chance to do.”

“Good!”  Ice Blue Baby was clearly pleased.  “Then I can teach you! More time to get to know you better! If you’re interested, maybe you can sign up with me while you’re here.  Name’s Sonny, by the way.”  He extended his hand, and Rafael shook it.  “Sonny Carisi. I’m the Watersports Coordinator.” Seeing Rafael’s immediate smirk, he muttered, “I keep encouragin’ them to change that name.”

Rafael grinned.  “Hey, not everyone’s mind lives in the gutter, right?”  As Sonny’s blush turned from soft pink to red, Rafael gave him a gentle nudge back.  “Don’t worry about it, okay?  I’m acting like some kind of bratty frat boy.”  Extending his own hand, he introduced himself.  “Rafael Barba. You’re definitely from Staten Island, aren’t you?” he asked, unclear as to why the man had not recognized him.  Over the last several weeks, his name and face had been in the papers, on television, even on the screens in Times Square.

(His mother had taken a photo and sent it to him, just to impress upon him how complete her humiliation had been.)

Yet Sonny Carisi, still, continued as though he was completely ignorant of Rafael’s trial.  “Yep, you’re right about Staten Island.  Born and raised there.”  He chuckled again.  “Ya know, they say you can take the boy outta the island, butcha can’t take the island outta the boy, and they’re right.”  He shook his head.  “Always get recognized for my accent, that’s for sure.” Tilting his head, he added more quietly, “And now, also my knowledge of irreverent kink terms.”

Rafael chuckled.  “Well, clearly I share the same awareness.  I think it’s part of growing up in the Big Apple.”

The shuttle slowed as they approached the resort.  “Here we are,” Sonny said, basically to no one.  Pulling out his wallet, he flipped through it for a second, then grabbed a card before reaching into his front pocket and retrieving a minigolf-sized pencil.  “Hey, Rafael…if you decide you’re interested in learning how to windsurf or anything else involving water, tell the concierge and they’ll set you up to take a lesson or two with me.”  He quickly jotted a handful of numbers on the back, then handed Rafael his card.  “My phone number’s on there too…in case you wanna discuss Margo Black.” He winked.

Rafael couldn’t wipe the grin off his face if he tried.  He carefully took the card, pulling out his own wallet, and tucked it inside.  “Thanks, Sonny,” he replied, feeling more attracted to Sonny than he’d felt toward another person in ages.  “I appreciate it.  Hey, could I borrow your hand for a sec?” he asked, and after a brief look of confusion, Sonny extended his hand.

“Thanks,” Rafael told him, reaching inside of his blazer pocket and pulling out a pen.  Holding onto Sonny’s hand, he quickly wrote his number onto the inside of the man’s wrist.  Looking up, he gave Sonny a pleased smile.  “It shouldn’t wash off as easily there, and it’s not as obnoxious as if I wrote it on the back of your hand.  Oh! I didn’t write my name.  Well, I guess  if you can’t remember it, you don’t really need my number.”

Sonny’s smile was bright as he met Rafael’s gaze. “Oh, you don’t need ta worry about that, Rafael,” he replied.  “Gimme another twenty seconds and I’ll have the number memorized, too!”

Rafael couldn’t hold back his laugh, joining Sonny’s laughter as the taller man unbuckled his seatbelt and stood, preparing to leave the shuttle.  “I look forward to seein’ you soon, Rafael Barba,” he said as he grabbed his bag and moved into the aisle.  Just before he began to leave, he paused and leaned back over the seat, closer to Rafael. “Oh!  Make sure you come by and let me know when you finish that book, and what you thought about page two sixty nine.”

Fighting every urge in his body to grab the book and flip to page two sixty-nine, Rafael forced himself to smile.  “Will do.  See you soon, Sonny.”

“See ya!” Sonny took off quickly, leaving Rafael in his seat to watch his tall, lithe form (and tight little ass) head down the aisle and off the shuttle, then down the sidewalk and past the palm trees, through the doors of the main building.

Sighing to himself much as one does when seeing a breathtaking masterpiece for the first time, Rafael tucked the novel into his carryon.  He grabbed the bag and headed off the shuttle, humming the tune to Ice, Ice Baby as he meandered toward the main building.

*

The view from his balcony was breathtaking.

It had taken close to an hour to check in and get settled into his room.  Rafael had learned that overall, Sonny was right about the friendliness of everyone at the resort.  He’d met a handful of people in line, all visiting for different reasons.  Their conversations made the time pass quickly, and once he was taken to his room, his first stop was the balcony, where he stood now.

When he’d  purchased the vacation, he knew he was paying for a premium package, and that included one of the nicer rooms with what was referred to as “stunning views”.  As he stood there now, “stunning” didn’t seem to do it justice.  He had assumed he would be looking at lots of pools and buildings, with the ocean a distance away.  Instead, his balcony directly overlooked the ocean; its clear, turquoise-blue water was unlike any he’d ever seen before.  

He spent his afternoon on the hammock on his balcony.  The hammock was wonderfully comfortable, and he’d hardly made it through reading about the events planned at the resort for the week before he’d drifted off, dozing.

The echoes of his shoes were the loudest sound in the hallway, and for some reason, his mind focused on that instead of the ongoing beeps and hisses from multiple machines.   When he reached the room, he paused in the doorway, watching as she lovingly kissed his fingers, stroked his hair.  It was achingly beautiful, this mother’s love for her child, and Rafael swallowed against the lump in his throat.

When he looked again, though, Maggie was gone, but he could still see a form in the hospital bed.  Alone, machines beeping their steady rhythms.  He stepped closer, a feeling of dread weighing heavily on him.  Rafael knew what he had to do; he’d been called here to perform an act of mercy. Feeling compelled, he reached out—

The ring from his phone was loud and startled him so badly that Rafael jerked awake, gasping for air. He was covered in sweat, heart still pounding and body heaving from his dream.  Out of habit more than anything, he grabbed the phone from the table next to where he lay.  “Barba,” he said gruffly, vaguely realizing he was still half-asleep.

“I thought you promised to call me when you arrived.”   His mother’s tone was sharp through the receiver, and he winced at his forgetfulness.

“Lo siento, Mami,” he immediately replied, then reached into his pocket for a handkerchief.  His face was wet, and only as he went to dry it did he realize the dampness was from tears.  “I just got here a couple hours ago, and was taking a nap, believe it or not,” he confessed to her.

She hadn’t wanted him to come, had been afraid of him spending so much time by himself.  “Mijo, at least take a friend with you, if you insist on going.  It’s too long and too far away for you right now.”  She hadn’t said what they’d both been thinking–how depressed Rafael had been, how much he’d been struggling to manage the guilt and the judgment.  

Truthfully, Lucia Barba was terrified this was one trip her son would not return from.

So he’d promised her that he would call daily, that he would answer each of her calls and had willingly given her the contact information for the resort.  “I promise, Mama,” he’d told her just a week prior, “I promise I’ll be back in a week and you’ll never even know I’ve been gone.”

Now she sighed.  “You were sleeping? ” Her voice was heavy with skepticism.

“Hold on a sec,” he said, then turned on his camera, snapping a photo of himself on the hammock before swinging the phone around and taking a picture of the beach.  Sending both pictures, he told her, “Check your texts.  I just sent you proof.”

She was quiet for a moment, but he knew he was forgiven when she chuckled softly.  “You know you’re getting older when you see a view like that and think, what a wonderful place for a nap,” she teased.

Rafael chuckled with her.  “Well, you of all people know how tired I’ve been,” he admitted.  “Mami, it’s so lovely here. I think I’m going to have a good time.”

She hummed.  “I certainly hope so, Rafael. All I want for my hijo is to return to the city in a week,   much lighter.  Leave your guilt behind, Rafi.  Like I told you, God will handle it when you see Him in the afterlife.  He knows your heart even better than I do, and he certainly knows a good man when he sees one.”

Feeling his eyes well with tears, Rafael cleared his throat.  “Oh, there’s someone at my door, Mami.  I need to go–te amo, Mama.” The lie was quick and smooth.

“What–who?” she tried to interrupt, but when he plowed through, she sighed exasperatedly.  “Si, te amo, papito.  Call your mami tomorrow, si?”

“I will.  Bye, Mom.”  

Once she’d hung up, Rafael let out a deep sigh of his own.  He’d promised her that this trip would be about healing; he’d use the time to come to terms with what he’d done and to make some decisions about what to do next.

Leaning against the balcony, Rafael gazed out over the sand to the water.  He watched a handful of swimmers in the waves, and took note of a couple of jet skis farther out.  What was it that Sonny Carisi had told him he did? He’d have to check that card again. Tomorrow seemed like a good time to track the man down and ask for a lesson–a lesson for whatever he taught.

Rafaell had always been an exceptional student.  He grinned at the thought.

Chapter Text

Parting the water, Rafael gracefully pulled his head above for a breath of air.

It was barely after six in the morning, but something about starting his day with a swim seemed indulgent and just the right kind of perfect for a vacation. He’d come down an hour ago, walking out to the beach and watching the sun slowly rise over the water. Catching a handful of photos, he immediately sent two to his mother. Already starting my day, he captioned, daring to add a smile emoji, despite the fact he hated the things. He knew that his mother, though, would think it was a reflection of what she deemed his “internal landscape”--and if it relaxed her, it was worth it. Then he’d slowly walked back to the pool, lay his items in a nearby lounge chair, and dove into the water.

He’d been a kid visiting his cousins in Miami when he first learned to swim. He was young, maybe five or six, and his mother refused to allow him to go to the beach with anyone until he’d had lessons.

“Who the hell’s gonna teach the kid for what we can afford?” Miguel’s voice was sharp with irritation, same as it always was. Rafael moved closer to his mother and took her hand. “Don’t be promising money we don’t have, Lucy!”

“I’m taking him to the Y, once we’re in Miami. They’ll teach him,” she said, conveniently leaving out the part about financial aid.

Miguel had grumbled under his breath, then returned to drinking his beer, and Lucia had squeezed her little boy’s hand as she smiled at him. Rafael couldn’t wait until they left for Miami the next week.

Once they were settled at Tio Jose and Tia Maria’s home, Lucia took Rafael to the Y just a few blocks away. Two days after they’d arrived, he was taking his first swimming lesson in a pool larger than he’d ever seen before. Every afternoon for two weeks, Lucia walked him over to the YMCA pool. She watched him swim with the other kids. Waited as he learned how to do the cross stroke, the back float, the doggy paddle. Fed him a snack she’d made from home and brought with them. Let him stay for another hour after his lesson and snack so he could practice. After two weeks, the instructor said he was good enough to be safe in the ocean, as long as he stayed close to the shore and always went with a buddy. That instructor had been right, and Rafael loved to swim, even now.

Whenever the thought that his mother hadn’t loved him used to cross his mind, he would think of that pool at the YMCA, and realize the truth was that she’d loved him the best she knew how.

He took his time doing several laps in the pool until the sun was bright and his body felt well-worn, stretched and relaxed in the best of ways. Getting out of the pool, he dried off, then pulled an old tee shirt over himself before heading back inside the main resort building.

That swim set the tone for his day. After swimming, he’d enjoyed the brunch in the main dining room, then found the concierge so he could try to sign up for a lesson from the man he’d met on the shuttle, Sonny Carisi. The concierge was a beautiful dark-skinned woman with hair in long braids and a large smile. She’d easily reserved Rafael a spot for Thursday afternoon. “Sonny’s fantastic with windsurfing, and I just know you’ll have an amazing time,” she told him, then handed him a reminder card. “And you’re coming to the meet and greet tonight, yes? All of the staff will be there, including Sonny.”

“Of course,” Rafael told her. “Wouldn’t miss it for the world.” He wasn’t sure exactly how honest he was being, but he was pretty sure he’d try his best.

Once he was back in his room, he lay down on the hammock again and flipped through his photos. Finding a couple from brunch and one of a seagull he’d taken that morning, he sent them to his mother, along with a text. Having a great time! Miss you, he wrote, then set his phone on silent. Picking up the novel, Rafael found where he’d left off, and relaxed in the hammock for the rest of the afternoon.

*
Ever since he earned enough money to pay his own way, it had been important to Rafael to be aware of the little luxuries in life and to appreciate them accordingly. He’d grown up without the ability to have things most people wouldn’t even consider “extras”. While his friends used body wash and got their haircuts at trendy salons, his abuelita trimmed his hair and he grew up using bars of Ivory soap in the shower. It taught him to pay attention to the finer things, to refuse to take those things for granted, and to properly enjoy them.

Stepping out of the shower that afternoon, Rafael grabbed one of the large bath sheets and wrapped it around his body. The towel itself was an impressive luxury, even for this resort–larger than anything he had at home–and it was incredibly soft, with the ability to absorb water like a sponge. He’d been looking forward to trying it out ever since he’d read about the bath sheets on the resort’s website. Sure, he also focused on the beach and the poolside bars, but he liked to pay extra attention to what was offered in the room. Whether it was the bedsheets, the coffee makers, or the luxury towels, Rafael wanted to know what he was paying for, and to make a point to enjoy it–and the bath sheet was definitely worth enjoying, he thought, taking his time to dry off.

As he slowly patted his skin dry, he found himself thinking about how much time he used to spend taking care of himself. It had been a long time since he’d paid the kind of attention to himself that he used to. Ten years ago, he was meticulous not only regarding how he looked in his suits, but how he looked out of them as well. That had changed somewhat over the last few years; as he’d grown older and more isolated, there had seemed less of a need to pay attention to details. But now, as Sonny Carisi and the evening’s meet and greet crossed his mind, Rafael found himself considering what the other man–or anyone–might think of his body. The initial thought was a little frightening, but there was no time to address things like the present. Gathering his courage, he tossed the towel to the side and stood naked in front of the full-length mirror.

Taking a deep breath, he surveyed his entire body. It was clear to him that time was catching up, showing itself in the looser flesh around his waist and the love handles on his hips. He’d spent most of the last two decades focused on his career, with little time set aside to eat,properly, exercise, or even participate in more entertaining parts of life. He’d never dated very much, and the few relationships he’d had seemed to end amicably and with little passion on either side. The handful of times he’d found himself feeling hurt or angry, Rafael had turned to his work as an outlet. Sending a guilty man to prison for rape was far more satisfying than mourning the end of an unfulfilling relationship, he told himself.

So a few weeks ago when he’d found himself on the stand, testifying as the defendant in a toddler’s death, he shouldn’t have been so surprised to see virtually no familiar faces on his side of the gallery. After all, he had no lover, very few friends, and only his mother to claim as close family. He’d managed to isolate himself, maybe more than he meant to.

“It doesn’t have to stay that way,” Olivia had tried to persuade him over the phone just the other night. “If you’re lonely, then use this trip as a chance to reconnect, Rafa. You’re a handsome man with a lot to offer the right person.”

Well. She hadn’t seen him naked, now had she?

The pectorals that were just a bit too soft, the slightly rounded stomach, the random silver hair on his chest, in his happy trail, and his pubes. Rafael sighed to himself. Should he try to pull them out? Would it matter that much?

His mind shifted to the handsome water instructor he’d met on the shuttle earlier. That lithe, healthy body, tall and strong and clearly flexible (and obviously ten years younger than him) looked even more beautiful now in his mind. Those wavy silver locks on his head—

Well, if the man of his dreams could sport silver hair, why couldn’t he?

Snickering at his own ridiculousness, Rafael shook his head and reached for his antiperspirant, then his cologne. There would be no plucking done tonight. Chances were, nobody else would be seeing him naked tonight, either. Unfortunately.

Stepping out of the bathroom, he proceeded to finish getting ready for the meet and greet. At least he knew he smelled good, and as long as he kept his clothes on, he’d be decently attractive to anyone who cared enough to look.

He hoped, anyway.

*
Sidling up to the bar, Rafael gave a friendly nod to a very sexy, much younger bartender. “Do you have Macallan…um, twelve?”

“I sure do, honey,” he replied with a smile, then pointed to his name tag. “I’m Jason. And you are?”

“Oh, um…I’m Rafael,” he replied as the bartender handed him a blank nametag and a pen. “Didn’t know I needed this,” he muttered, slightly embarrassed, as he glanced around him to see name tags on every guest. There’d been one in his welcome packet, but he’d refrained from wearing it.

“It’s great to meet you, Rafael,” Jason said with a grin. “Give me just a minute, and I’ll be back with your drink.”

Camila Cabello’s “Havana” played from the speakers, competing with the conversation and laughter surrounding him. Rafael finished writing his name and stuck the nametag to his shirt–a soft pink polo that was comfortably loose. As he looked around him, he suddenly remembered the phrase “gay-friendly” had appeared in the resort’s ads nearly as much as the word “luxury” had. It began to make sense–the numerous same-sex couples he’d seen, the flirtation from the bartender and the guy on the shuttle.

Still able to make some good decisions on occasion, he thought, smiling to himself as he watched two men nearby sexily flirting with one another.

The bartender returned with his drink and a friendly grin. “Enjoy it, sweetheart,” he said as he handed it to Rafael–and winked. What is it with the winking at this place?

Rafael felt his cheeks flush hot with surprise and flattery. “Thanks. How much do I owe you?”

The young man waved it off. “It’s all included in your resort fee. Let me know if I can get you anything else, Rafael.”

Ignoring the fact his cheeks were continuing to burn, Rafael smiled and nodded. “Thanks,” he replied, picking up the cup. He took a sip, letting the liquor provide his throat with the warm burn he expected, then began to wander through the crowd.

It didn’t take long for him to find the buffet. Taking a plate, Rafael quickly helped himself to a variety of the fresh fruits and vegetables, small sandwiches, crackers, cheese, and cookies. Glancing around, he found an empty seat at a large table with other vacationers. It took no time to get pulled into a conversation with the others about what they were all looking forward to experiencing. “I’d highly recommend scuba diving, if you get the chance,” a man named Ron mentioned in between bites, and several others nodded in agreement.

“Don’t forget the jet skis and the windsurfing!” Susan, the woman sitting across from Rafael, tossed out. “We had the absolute BEST time, didn’t we, babe?” she asked, turning to her new wife.

“Sure did,” Rachel, the new wife, confirmed. “And those instructors were terrific, too. I was nervous, but they put me right at ease.”

Briefly, Rafael wondered if one of the instructors might have been Sonny Carisi, but before he could ask, the conversation had moved on to the horse stables and touring the town. He finished up his dinner, then picked up his plate and stood to throw it away.

After getting another scotch from Jason, Rafael meandered toward the pool, wondering if he might run into Sonny there. He hadn’t worn his swim trunks, opting instead for a pair of tan shorts. However, lots of people had come ready, and the pool was busy–filled with people of all ages and sizes. He stood nearby for a few minutes, watching as a toddler swam between her mother and father. The child looked to be around the same age as Drew Householder had been, and for a moment, his thoughts drifted to Maggie, Drew’s mother. They’d had a brief conversation once about the dreams she’d had for her son–none of which would come true–and how painful it had been, losing those.

“It’s the little things,” Maggie said, her eyes focused on the table between them. “The things that you probably would think are silly…stuff as simple as brushing his baby teeth, or trying to feed himself.” She let out a soft sigh, and a painful smile spread across her face. “When I was a little girl, I loved to swim; then, while I was pregnant, I used to fantasize all the time about sharing that love with my child. But Drew…he’ll never be able to enjoy the water. I can’t even take him to a pool, Mr. Barba. Those little dreams…they’re all gone. Even my smallest dreams for my son have died.” Her eyes rose to meet his. “The only thing my son can experience is pain, and it’s cruel to force him to experience that a minute longer than he has to.”

“Heads up, Daddy!” a child hollered, and Rafael snapped back into the here and now.

The desire to be around other people seemed to have left his body, and all he found himself wanting was more alcohol, and some isolation. I don’t deserve to be here, to be around these people. If those parents knew what I’d done, they’d be horrified, he thought, and found himself walking quickly toward the main building and the elevators. Tossing back the rest of his drink, he stopped at the bar one more time to get a scotch to take to his room.

“Rafael Barba,” he heard, just as Jason handed him his drink. “I’ve been looking for you all over this place!”

Startled, Rafael turned to see Sonny Carisi sliding onto the stool next to him, a grin nearly as beautiful as he was on his face. Rafael forced himself to smile back. “Hey,” he greeted, heart beating just that much faster, “how are you, Sonny?”

Sonny’s grin turned into a warm smile. “Better, now that I’ve found you,” he said. “Much better. I’ve been lookin’ for you but didn’t see ya until now…didja just get here?”

Still smiling, Rafael looked down and shook his head. “No…I was just thinking about going upstairs. Been a long day, y’know?”

Sonny’s smile dimmed slightly, then he reached over and gently rested a hand on Rafael’s forearm. “Tell ya what,” he said gently, “if ya want, we could go down to the beach for a few, just while you finish your drink. We can talk?” At Rafael’s raised eyebrow, Sonny added, “I think you’re an interesting guy, Rafael. I’d like to get to know you better. But only if you want.”

What did he want, anyway? Why had he come here? Was it to lick his wounds and grieve in private, or was it to really try to move past what had happened?”

He met Sonny’s gaze. “Yeah, that’d be nice,” he replied, and this time when he smiled, it didn’t feel so forced.

*
“First time I came here, I was on Spring Break.” They had settled on the sand near the water. There were tiki torches placed every few yards, and further down the beach, glowing huts over the water held restaurants and stores owned by the resort. There was the soft buzz of conversation, with a handful of people scattered across the beach, talking, just like they were. “I was probably twenty or so. I remember thinking that I’d found Nirvana, and I never wanted to leave.”

Rafael glanced at Sonny’s face. The other man was wearing an expression of peacefulness, and something about it helped to settle the churning in Rafael’s soul. “But you had to,” he murmured, and Sonny smiled.

“Yeah, I had to. I had a scholarship back home, and goals, and a family that woulda hunted me down and kicked my ass.” They both chuckled. “I remember crying, literally crying, the day I had to leave, and I promised myself that I’d save the money to come back as often as I could.”

“Let me guess,” Rafael mused with a smile, “coming back got expensive.”

Sonny nodded. “It did, but Curacao was hard for me to forget. I’d fallen in love here. Not with a person, but with this place…with its air, the sand beneath my feet, the clear blue of the water. I grew up on Staten Island with a dad who was in construction and a mom who was a nurse. I’m the only boy, and the third of four kids. If you’d have asked my parents when I was born where I would end up, there’s not a chance in the world either one of ‘em woulda said here.” He let out a soft sigh. “But here I am, and I love it. I mean, I miss my family a lot, and that part’s hard. Still is. But it’s easier, at thirty-five, to make sacrifices that let me visit Staten Island when I need to, now that I’ve got a decent job in a place that feeds my soul, know what I mean?”

Rafael exhaled a long breath, taking in the scenery. “I’m starting to get the idea.”

He tilted his head, meeting the other man’s gaze. Sonny Carisi was incredibly beautiful, and Rafael felt a longing in his gut that he hadn’t felt in a long time. Leaning forward, he softly brushed his lips over Sonny’s.

Sonny made a soft sound in his throat, one arm wrapping around Rafael gently to hold him close. Their kiss began to grow deeper, and Rafael allowed himself to get lost in it. After several long, pleasurable moments, they parted slightly, each trying to catch their breath. Rafael gently stroked Sonny’s cheek. “You have the most beautiful eyes,” he murmured. “Although I’m sure you’ve heard that a million times.”

Sonny chuckled. “My ma, she was a fan of that group The Carpenters. She always used to sing me that song, “Close To You”. I don’t know if you know it–”

“Why do birds suddenly appear…every time…you are near,” Rafael sang softly, and at Sonny’s delighted look, he continued, a smile on his own face. “Just like me…they long to be…close to you…” Running a hand gently over Sonny’s chest, he added, “Very fitting.”

Sonny chuckled softly. “Yeah, my sisters always preferred that Vanilla Ice song,” he joked, and Rafael tried his best not to give himself away by bursting into a laughing fit. “I don’t even know the words! I was like, thirteen or something, I think–”

“Wasn’t that the absolute right age to know those lyrics?” Rafael teased, and then they were both laughing loud and hard. “Stop! Collaborate and listen! Ice is back with his brand new invention!” Rafael rapped, painful to the ears of anyone nearby, and Sonny’s laughter went from hard to hilarious bellylaughing.

“Stop!” Sonny cried, voice high-pitched and desperate. “Oh my God! Please don’t try to rap anymore! It hurts!” He lay his head down on Rafael’s stomach, both of them falling to their backs, and they both continued to chortle as tears ran down their faces. “Oh, man. The other was so much better…your real singing voice,” Sonny clarified. “It’s so much better.”

They both did their best to calm down, as Rafael played with Sonny’s hair and Sonny lay his cheek against Rafael’s stomach. It was warm and intimate, and Rafael felt his heart begin to flutter in a wonderful way.

“We should probably go back to the party,” Sonny finally said softly. His eyes were watching other people on the beach, noting how many couples had already left–especially the ones eyeing them on the way past.

“Okay.” Rafael stood up, stretching, as Sonny did the same, and together they made their way on the rustic wooden sidewalk leading back to the pool. Gently, Sonny reached for Rafael’s fingers, and Rafael allowed the touch. Their hands were barely connected, but the feeling sent warm sparks all through his body.

*
They spent the next few hours dancing at the party. Sonny Carisi had moves, some of which Rafael was fairly certain he had never seen before. He spent most of his time caught between fighting back laughter and feeling strangely aroused by the other man’s dancing style. In between those moments came slower ballads that allowed them to move closer, to talk, and those moments were Rafael’s favorite. Sonny was sweet and funny, and the most genuine person he’d met in a long time.

Once the party began to die down, the two moved off the dance floor. Agreeing it was probably time to call it a night, Sonny walked Rafael into his building. They took the elevator to the seventh floor, then took their time down the hall until they finally arrived at 703–Rafael’s room.

He turned to face Sonny and smiled. “Thank you for tonight,” he said quietly. “I really enjoyed getting to know you better.”

“I enjoyed it too, Rafael.” Sonny leaned a shoulder against the doorway. “I’d love to see you again, if you might have time while you’re here.”

He couldn’t fight the flush that rose to his cheeks, nor the flattered smile on his face. “I think that can be arranged,” he replied, gently squeezing Sonny’s fingers. “When are you free?”

“Tomorrow, actually,” Sonny told him. “After five. We could go to town? I could take you to dinner at one of my favorite places…I mean, if you want. I know you’ve paid for the food here, though, so if you’d rather–”

“I’d rather go with you,” he blurted out, feeling his face turn even brighter red. “Do you want me to meet you downstairs? Around six, maybe?”

Sonny grinned. “Perfect. Dress casual, and I promise we’ll have a great time!”

Rafael grinned back. “I have no doubt that’s true,” he answered, as Sonny leaned forward, giving him one final kiss for the evening.

“Take care, Rafael,” he whispered between them. “Sleep well. See you tomorrow.”

“See you,” he murmured back, then watched as the man headed toward the elevator and pressed the button.

Rafael unlocked his door and went inside, quietly closing it behind him. He’d left a light on in the sitting area, and he collapsed happily on the couch. His heart was still fluttering with the excitement of meeting a potential new lover, and he closed his eyes, reliving the kisses Sonny had given him on the beach. If they’d been alone, and Sonny had been willing…

Rafael let out a soft sigh. It had been months since he’d last had sex, and that had been with a close friend he knew from his college years. He’d met Rita in law school, and they’d been friends for over twenty years. Initially, they’d dated, but realized very quickly they had no business being involved. Law school left little time for anything else, including relationships, so they backed it up and agreed that friends with benefits was a better option. Over the years, they’d hooked up off and on, whenever one of them needed it and neither of them were committed to anyone else. But no matter what, they were friends first, and loved each other fiercely.

Several months back, when Rita had learned that her best friend hadn’t gotten lucky in more months than he cared to admit, she announced that she’d be over on Friday to spend the weekend, so please make sure the housekeeper had washed his sheets. They had a fun weekend together that included plenty of good sex and lots of catching up on one another’s lives. Despite how much he’d given up on his own ability to have a meaningful relationship, Rita still believed he was capable of being a loving partner.

“Don’t give me that bullshit, Rafi,” she told him as she lay naked next to him in his California King bed. They were both covered in a thin sheen of sweat, now cooling on their bodies. “You have so much to offer. Your biggest problem is that you don’t believe it. You let the ghost of your parents’ marriage dictate your life now.” She rolled over, partially onto his chest, her nipples brushing against his chest hair. “You deserve better, babe.”

He gently combed his fingers through her soft, long hair. “You make it sound so easy,” he sighed, then smirked slightly. “Anyway, I don’t see you settling down.”

Rita rested her face in her hand, elbow on the bed. “That’s because I don’t want to. We both know that you do.”

She was right, and he’d known it innately for a long, long time. But once he was suspended from working pending the trial, Rafael had realized on a whole other level how much he wanted that. Someone to come home to, to share his life with.

If he were honest, it had been years since he’d felt an attraction as strongly as the one he felt toward Sonny Carisi. He was a beautiful, sexy man with a wonderfully charming personality and a seemingly kind heart.

And Rafael wanted it all.

Still smiling, he made his way into the ensuite and undressed, then pulled on a pair of pajama pants and a tee shirt before brushing his teeth and cleaning his face. As he finished moisturizing his skin, he paused to look at his own reflection. What did Sonny see there that was so interesting to him? He wasn’t sure, but he was grateful.

Tossing the washcloth into the hamper, Rafael left the ensuite and climbed into his massive bed. He plugged his phone into its charger, then turned off the light. Images of Sonny filled his mind–Sonny walking, Sonny laughing, Sonny kissing him over and over.

Sonny’s ice baby blues, looking sweetly at him, right before he leaned in for a kiss.

He settled down to sleep, more relaxed than he’d been in a long time.

Chapter Text

His shoes echoed in the hallway, louder to his ears than anything else.  Passing one, two, three other rooms, he finally arrived where he was supposed to be—1649.

Maggie stood next to the bed, tearfully stroking her baby’s hair.  He wondered if Drew was aware, if he knew how much pain he was causing his parents.  If he did, would he want to continue to survive?  Because this wasn’t really living.  This was survival.  A breath in, a breath out, for sixty seconds every minute.  Sixty minutes every hour.  Twenty-four hours every day.  Three-hundred and sixty-five long days every single fucking year. 

Why in the hell hadn’t she pulled that cord out ages ago?

It made no sense.  Well, if she wouldn’t, he would.

He made his way around the bed, behind her.  He could see the baby’s face, slack with no emotion.  “Do it,” he heard then, and when he looked to his side, his father was standing there, a sick grin of enjoyment on his face.  “Go ahead and do it, boy.  You know you want to!”

Rafael jerked awake, gasping for breath, his body sweaty under the sheets.  Sitting up quickly, he turned on the light, looking around the room.  Curacao.  He’d been sleeping.  He was okay.

After a handful of minutes, he forced himself to lay back down and try to sleep again.

*

The sectional was very comfortable, and the view was amazing.  From this position, through the resort’s open floor to ceiling windows, Rafael could see the entire resort and the white sand beach past it.  He stood, making his way to the edge of the building, and took another handful of photos for his mother.  She’d called him earlier, still not sure that he was doing okay.

“You can’t blame me for worrying, mijo,” she said, sounding a mix of defensive and apologetic.  Rafael closed his eyes, thinking about the many years he’d struggled with depression.  He knew, ultimately, that his battle with depression was at the root of his mother’s worry.  “Are you sure you’re not isolating?  Not getting caught up in the past?”

The memory from the night before–the urge to keep drinking and go up to his room just as Sonny found him–caused a flicker of guilt to course through him.  “I understand your worry, Mami, but I promise, I’m not isolating,” he told her as he slipped into his shoes.  “Right now, I’m going down to the pool.  And last night, I met a nice guy, and we had a great conversation–”

“You met someone?” Her voice suddenly became hopeful, and he furrowed his brow.  Why the hell did he tell her that?

“Just someone who works here,” he tried to redirect her.  “It’s not anything romantic, Mami.  At any rate, I’ve got to go–I’m attending a water exercise class with a few people I met last night.  I’ll call you tomorrow, all right?”  There was no way in hell he’d attend that water exercise class, but he did plan to go down to the pool and read more of that novel.

He could hear a slight bit of disappointment when she spoke next.  “Well, okay I guess…te amo, Rafael.  Always, baby.”

“I know, Mama.  Te amo.”

He quickly sent the photos to his mother, hoping they would help her worry a little less, then returned to his spot on the sectional as he waited for Sonny.

It was only a couple more minutes before Sonny appeared.  His cheeks were pink from the sun and his hair was looser than Rafael had seen it before, and he literally lost his breath for a moment.

“There you are! Hey!” Sonny greeted him, leaning over and kissing his cheek.  Rafael immediately found himself grinning.  The man was like a dose of instant happiness, and Rafael wanted to overdose on him every day. 

Sonny ran a thumb over Rafael’s cheek, still smiling.  “You spent some time outside today, that’s for sure,” he noted.  “Even more beautiful than before.  You ready to go?”

Rafael gave a firm nod.  “Sure am.”

“Let’s do it, then.”  Sonny led him outside of the resort, to the main street, and they waited to catch a shuttle into the town.

*

“So what do you think?” Sonny asked him, halfway through their dinner.

“I’m too busy eating to tell you, really,” Rafael joked, taking another large bite of the dish Sonny had ordered for them.  It was a local dish called Keshi Yena, and theirs was made with Gouda cheese, stuffed with spiced beef, and he swore he’d found raisins and onions in it, maybe an olive or two as well?  Something about it reminded him of his abuelita.

Sonny was smirking, his delight growing with every bite that Rafael consumed.  “I’m glad you like it,” he remarked.  “Some folks don’t really enjoy it too much, but there’s something about it that I just can’t get enough of.  Know what I mean?”

Rafael nodded.  “It reminds me of my abuelita…my grandmother,” he clarified at Sonny’s confused expression.  “I think it’s some of the flavors, maybe?

Sonny nodded.  “The culture here…it’s so diverse, y’know?  A lot of Creole…European and African because of the slave trade years ago, and Caribbean…Dutch, especially.  It’s a complex history and culture…that’s somethin’ I really appreciate.”  He took a sip of his beer, then tilted his head.  “So what are your roots, Rafael?  Where do you come from?  Other than New York City, I mean.”

They both chuckled, and Rafael swallowed the food he’d been chewing on.  “Cuba,” he shared.  “My grandparents both fled when Castro came into power.  They ended up in Miami first, then moved to the city.  Abuelo–my grandfather–he’d heard they were employing immigrants there, easier than in Florida.  So they made their way to New York.  My grandmother was pregnant with my mom at the time.

“Abuelo got a job and they settled down in the Bronx–a small apartment, but at the time it was safe and had room enough for the three of them.  They wanted my mom to be assimilated with all the other English-speaking kids, so they insisted that she always speak English except when they were at home, in the apartment.  She was bilingual in a snap–my mother has always been a smart cookie.”  He grinned at Sonny, clearly proud, and took another bite of dinner.

“I’m sure she was,” Sonny agreed.  “What about your dad?  How did they meet?”

Rafael swallowed again, then let out a long sigh.  “His parents also came over shortly after Castro took power, and eventually made their way to the city.  I don’t know as much about his family–he wasn’t really much of a talker, and we didn’t have a great relationship.”  He paused, taking a gulp of his scotch.

“I’m sorry,” Sonny said quietly.  “We don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want to.”

Rafael waved his hand.  “It’s all right.  It’s not my favorite subject, but…basically, to hear Mami tell it, she was seventeen when she met him at a bodega.  He was in there buying beer–shocker–and she was picking out a pack of chewing gum.  He took it from her and tossed it on the counter, adding it to his order, and said something about how pretty she was.  She was hooked.  Of course, he was also eleven years older than her, and I think that probably had something to do with it.

“My grandparents had been saving money for her to attend nursing school.  It was important to them that she be able to support herself.  A few days after she turned eighteen, she was supposed to pay the tuition. Abuelo gave her the money and told her to take it to the school and pay for the year.  They didn’t see her again for a week, and when she came back, she was married to my father and all that money was gone.  They’d blown the whole thing in Atlantic City.”

“Jesus,” Sonny muttered, and Rafael snorted.

“Mary and Joseph,” he added, chuckling.  “They were furious, kicked her out.  Two months later, she came back and told them she was pregnant with me.  They made up, thank God.”  He took another long drink of scotch, suddenly realizing he’d shared way more than he had intended, and he could feel his face flushing again.  “So now that you know basically my entire family history…” he tried to joke.  

Sonny’s smile was warm, and he reached across the table to squeeze his hand.  “Thank you for sharing that with me, Rafael.  It’s truly a fascinating story…are you and your mom close?”

“We are.”  They spent the next hour talking about parents and Sonny’s sisters.  Rafael learned that Sonny was brought up Catholic just like he was; that his parents, Dom and Sera, had been high school sweethearts, and he was closest to his youngest sister, Bella.  His oldest sister, Teresa, went by “T” and was a bossy secretary, and his middle sister Gina was a talented hairdresser who’d never been married and battled with bipolar disorder.  

“Watching her struggle, until they got the meds right, was horrible,” Sonny shared as they walked through the small town, admiring the street art. They’d finished their dinner and decided to walk the streets for awhile. “But once they finally got it, it made a world of difference for her.”

“I can imagine,” Rafael replied, thinking about his own battles with anxiety and depression.  Glancing at Sonny, he asked, “Have you ever had to deal with anything like that yourself?”

Sonny let out a soft chuckle.  “Doesn’t everyone have something?” he asked, gently nudging Rafael in the shoulder.  “Mine’s anxiety.  I keep it under control now with my lifestyle–I exercise, practice mindfulness, try to eat healthy most of the time–but I still occasionally need medication.”  After a moment, he asked the logical question.  “What about you, Rafael?  Anything you struggle with?”

He held the cord in his hand, unsure how quickly anyone would come to see what he’d done.  The room was now silent, and Drew’s tiny chest no longer rose.  The baby was still–no effort to move, to breathe, to fight for the life that was pitifully his–and Rafael felt tears well in his eyes.  He slid his empty hand into his jacket pocket and clutched his abuelita’s crucifix.  Prayers that hadn’t crossed his mind in years suddenly formed on his lips.

“I, uh…yeah,” he nodded self-consciously, and stopped walking for a moment.  Sonny stopped too and looked at him, eyes wide and accepting.  “Depression and anxiety, my whole life,” Rafael admitted. 

It was something he’d never shared with a lover before.  The fact that he’d only known Sonny Carisi for a little over a day played no part in his decision to share that information; all he knew was that it was part of his story, and he wanted this man to know it.  To understand it was part of him.

Sonny nodded.  “Yeah,” he replied.  “How do you manage yours?”

They began strolling again, slowly.  “Medication, therapy, a bunch of tools that I’m not good at using consistently but sometimes help when I remember to try them.”

Sonny let out a laugh of obvious commiseration, and Rafael relaxed, a slow smile crossing his face again.  “You sound like me,” Sonny said, catching Rafael’s hand again in his own.  “So many tools in my invisible toolbox.  Hell, half the time I forget I even HAVE a toolbox, never mind what’s in it!”  

They both laughed together, and Rafael felt the warmth of connection flood his body.  This man understood him.  This man was a man like him, and all he wanted to do was get closer.

Sonny nodded ahead of them, to a small ice cream shop.  “Wanna try it?  It’s the best on the island, I promise!”

“Sure,” Rafael agreed, and they both eagerly entered the shop to indulge.

Sonny took literally no seconds to pick out his ice cream.  “Peach, single scoop, on a sugar cone,” he announced easily, before turning to Rafael, who was looking at him with an odd sort of annoyed wonder.  “You know what you want?”

“How did you even do that?” Rafael asked him.  “I haven’t even read all the flavors yet.”

Sonny shrugged.  “Peach ice cream.  It’s good.  It’s summer. And I really love peaches.  Peaches of all kinds.”  

Rafael arched an eyebrow at him.  “Oh really?”

Sonny grinned, taking the cone from the shop worker.  “Oh yes I do,” he agreed, leaning back for just a moment and catching a glimpse of Rafael’s ass before licking his cone. “Just love me some peaches.  All types.  Just found out I like Cuban peaches, too.  It’s an amazing world.”

Rafael felt his cheeks flush and bit back a laugh. “I’d like a peach cone too,” he told the worker then, “just like his.” Nudging Sonny, he said, “I’m pretty fond of peaches, as well. You seem to have good peaches here.  I’ve already taken a look.”

Sonny laughed then. “Mmm.  I got the feelin’ you might have!”

Once they’d each gotten a cone, Sonny pointed to the wall beside them.  It was covered in flyers about the activities going on in Willemstead, the town they were in.  “This is how I keep up with what’s going on,” he joked.

Rafael slowly licked his cone as he browsed information about book clubs, dogs for adoption, and pot luck dinners.  He was in the middle of reading an ad about a cursing parrot for sale when Sonny suddenly grabbed his wrist and squeezed it tightly.  “Oh my good Jesus,” he gasped.  “Look, Rafi!”  With his cone, he pointed toward a flyer on green paper, then turned to look at Rafael, blue eyes wide.  “Uh, can I call you Rafi?  Is that okay?  It just kinda came out.”

Rafael grinned at him.  “You can call me whatever you want, Soleado,” he teased, and at Sonny’s once-again confused expression, he added, “Soleado means Sun in Spanish…Sonny, you know?”

Sonny’s cheeks turned pink as a shy smile crossed his face for a moment.  “I get it,” he replied, “and I like it too…a lot.”  They were gazing at one another, each smiling sweetly, until Sonny suddenly grabbed his wrist again.  “I almost forgot! Look! Read!”

Rafael turned his attention to the green flyer.  There was a poorly copied photo of a woman that looked vaguely familiar.  As he read the text, his mouth dropped open.  “Well holy shit!”

“Right?” Sonny asked excitedly.  “Right?  Are we going or what?”

“Uh, YEAH!” Rafael replied.  “Friday afternoon…I’m assuming you know where this bookstore is?”

Sonny grinned.  “For Margo Black? I’d find it with a compass and a map of the stars!” 

They turned to exit the store, both thrilled with anticipation for their Friday plans.  “Make sure you bring your book,” Sonny reminded Rafael.  “She’ll sign it for you, I bet.  Have you finished it yet?”

“Getting there,” Rafael told him, “but I met this guy, and he keeps distracting me by being cute and sexy and all–”

Sonny spun to face him, cheeks pink and lips in an affectionate smile.  Taking half a step forward, he caught Rafael’s face in his hands and gently kissed him.  In the middle of the street.  In the middle of the town.  In the middle of Curacao.

Rafael kissed him back.

*

“So if you’re ever in Miami and you need a cigar while you’re getting an oil change, my cousin Jorge’s got your back,” he finished sharing, as Sonny wiped tears of laughter from his cheeks.

“Oh my God, Rafi,” he gasped, trying to catch his breath, “with cousins like that, you don’t NEED any siblings!”

“Tell me about it,” Rafael grinned, feeling incredibly confident. He’d made Sonny laugh for the last hour, and this had by far been the best date he’d ever been on in his life.  He was pretty sure of that, anyway.

They were sharing one lounge chair on the deck of Sonny’s small, third-floor studio apartment.  The resort provided it as part of his employment package, and while it wasn’t big, it was right on the beach and provided more privacy than their spot the night before.  The tiki torches were lit again, and from where they currently were sitting, they had an impressive view of the water, even in the dim light.

“So where do your parents stay when they visit you?” Rafael asked, playing with the hem of Sonny’s shirt. “I know Dom and Sera must come at least once or twice a year, right?”

Sonny chuckled.  “They try.  Sometimes they get an air bnb; sometimes they rent a small room near here.  The resort also has some rooms they save for families of staff.  They still charge for them, but they’re a lot less expensive.  They’re not nearly as fancy, but they’re clean and they’ve got everything my parents need when they visit, y’know?”

Rafael nodded.  “Yeah, sometimes just being able to see one another is what’s important.”  He pressed a kiss to Sonny’s cheek, and Sonny returned it, softly mouthing at Rafael’s jaw.  “I don’t know that Lucia would ever let me leave the city as easily as your parents did. She’s pretty attached,” Rafael mused, trying to imagine if he started a new life somewhere so far away.  He felt Sonny’s chest vibrate with a chuckle, and Rafael laughed too.  “Sorry, random, I know.  I was just thinking about our conversation last night, when you were talking about moving here. I just can’t imagine Dom and Sera letting you go so easily.”

Sonny barked a laugh, loud enough that Rafael jumped slightly. “Not a chance in hell, honey.  I got that bachelor’s degree I was tellin’ you about, then went straight into the police academy.”  Sonny grew quiet, and Rafael rested a hand on his hip, beginning to massage his thumb in small circles.  After a moment, Sonny met his eyes again. “That had always been the plan, y’know?  And even though I wanted to come back to Curacao, I was committed to becoming a police officer.” He smiled, then gently brushed a piece of Rafael’s hair from his forehead.  “You know how it goes, those plans your folks have for you…for me it was school, then the academy.  Officer, detective, then maybe school again for law.  I coulda been an ADA like you, huh?” 

Rafael smiled at him.  He had no doubt that Sonny Carisi would have made an excellent attorney from what he’d seen thus far.  “I’m sure you could have,” Rafael murmured.  “What happened?  Change your mind?  Curacao came calling?”

Sonny’s smile grew wistful, then he took one of Rafael’s hands in his, holding it.  “I went to the academy, thinkin’ I’d pretty much breeze through, the way I did with everything else. I didn’t.  It was different than I’d anticipated…I met some guys who just, uh…made it harder for me.”  His eyes met Rafael’s again.  “Are you bored yet?”

Rafael shook his head, then brought Sonny’s hand to his lips.  “Not a chance.”  He watched as Sonny exhaled heavily again, and realized that for whatever reason, Sonny was in the middle of telling him something difficult.  “Sonny, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” he said gently.  “It’s okay not to tell me, if you don’t want to.”

Sonny closed his eyes and gave a slight shake of his head.  “No, it’s not, Rafael.  You’ll understand why in a second.”  Rafael grew quiet, and Sonny swallowed again.”I was close to finishing at the academy when I, uh…”  He stopped, cleared his throat.  “Sorry…hard for me to talk about still…I, um…I’d been to a bar with some of the guys in the academy with me, and I was jumped by two of ‘em that night when I left.  Got dragged into an alley close by.  They beat the hell outta me, and then they, uh…they raped me.”  There was a second of awkward silence before Sonny continued.  “I woke up in the hospital with my ma holdin’ my hand and thankin’ God that I was alive.”

“Oh my God, Sonny,” Rafael whispered as his brain began a crazy mathematical spiral.  Where had he been at that time?  It must’ve been at least ten years ago, so he would’ve still been in Brooklyn–

“Yeah.”  Sonny sniffed, then cleared his throat again.  “It took me a month to be able to get outta bed and take care of myself again.  A year to stop wantin’ to end it every day.  And at the end of that year, I had figured out that life was too short not to be happy more often than I was, y’know?  So when my therapist asked me what I wanted, what would help me feel most like me, for some reason I knew it was movin’ here.  Being close to the ocean, and being on Curacao. I had filed a lawsuit with the city, and they settled for…well, for an amount that probably didn’t hurt them enough, but ended up helpin’ me out some.  Got me here, anyway. It wasn’t an easy transition, but once I made it, I’ve never regretted it.”

Rafael’s fingers gently stroked over Sonny’s hand.  “You don’t miss being a cop?  It sounds like that was your goal, your dream at one point.”

“Sometimes,” Sonny replied, letting out a shaky sigh.  “But I wasn’t ready for it back then.  I’m not sure I'll ever be ready for it, to be honest.  I do sometimes still fantasize about bein’ a lawyer.  Maybe that’s why I loved that second book of Margo Black’s so much.” Sonny gave a soft laugh, and Rafael joined him for a moment, then they both grew quiet.  “It’s important for me to be able to tell that to people, y’know?  About the rape, I mean…so I don’t stay caught in a cycle of shame. That’s what my therapist has said, and I think she’s probably right.”

Rafael gave a soft nod, hoping Sonny could feel how much he cared.  He felt it deeply for Sonny, a level of compassionate understanding his friend Liv always said he had.  He had doubted her.

“I’m so sorry that happened to you,” he finally spoke, shaking his head.  “Did they catch the guys who did it? Your fellow officers?” His voice was softly scathing, trying to imagine how void of morality a man would have to be to hurt someone like Sonny Carisi.

Sonny nodded his head.  “Yeah, they did.  The next day, too.  Didn’t want a fag in one of their units, they said.”

“Hate crime,” Rafael muttered under his breath.

“Sorry?”

He shook his head.  “Nothing.”  Reaching over, he took Sonny’s hand in his.  “How are you doing these days?”

This time Sonny’s smile seemed to glow from the beauty inside of him, and it warmed Rafael’s heart.  “I’m doing well.  Really well.”  Tilting his head toward Rafael’s, he waggled his eyebrows and added, “Why, can’t you tell, the way I’m flirtin’ with you? Nonstop?”

Rafael immediately chuckled, as did Sonny, and both men moved closer to one another.  “I just wanted to make sure I’m not misreading any signs,” Rafael began, then was silenced by Sonny’s soft lips meeting his own.

The kiss was warm, gentle.  It was unlike any kiss Rafael could remember having, and he felt his entire body alight with affection.  Sonny’s arm eased its way around him, and Rafael slowly wrapped his own arm around Sonny.  As they kissed, Rafael lost track of time and space, and was a bit surprised to realize how close they’d moved, chest to chest, when Sonny pulled back.  “I could get lost in you, Rafael,” he murmured, and Rafael leaned forward to kiss him again. Sonny put a stop to it, though, pulling his lips back by an inch.  His breathing was warm, heavy.  “Public beach,” he murmured. “They can’t see too well up here, but they can still see some.”

Rafael had forgotten.  

Immediately, he slid his body apart from Sonny’s, but Sonny kept an arm around his shoulders.  “Can we still lay here?” Sonny whispered.  “Listen to the water.  It soothes you…at least, it does for me.”

Rafael relaxed in the other man’s arms, eventually closing his eyes.  He could hear the waves break and slowly roll in, a different rhythm than Sonny’s breathing, warm and soft on his ear. He was drowsy when Sonny quietly whispered his name.  

“Yeah?” 

“I wasn’t really talkin’ about peaches when we ordered our ice cream,” Sonny whispered, opening his eyes to meet Rafael’s gaze.  His smile was teasing.  “I was actually talkin’ about your ass.”

Rafael brushed a kiss across his lips.  “That’s okay,” he teased, “I was talking about your ass, too.  It’s beautiful, by the way.” They both giggled, then Rafael leaned over and kissed him gently.  “I think you’re one of the most wonderful people I’ve ever met,” he whispered.

Sonny’s smile was soft and sweet.  “I think that about you, Rafi.”

 It was easy to  tell when Sonny had drifted off a few minutes later.  His breathing was soft and steady, and the sound was relaxing.

Rafael hoped to God that Sonny had been assigned to a competent ADA.  Sonny hadn’t revealed which borough the crime had occurred in, but Rafael would be the first to admit that sex crimes were not always handled with the seriousness, nor the discretion, they should be–especially the  rape of men, which tended to be even more underreported and underprosecuted than the rape of women.  Over the years, Rafael had known a handful of skilled prosecutors when it came to sex crimes, but they were so few and far between, that Manhattan SVU had fought hard to keep him once he’d transferred to their borough.

He gazed at Sonny’s fair skin and his blonde eyelashes resting so peacefully on his cheeks.  Talk about a man that deserves the world, he found himself thinking.  And what can you offer him now?  He just told you one of his deepest, most personal secrets, and you’ve told him about …Madman Miguel.  A sanitized version of the man who impregnated your mami.  And don’t forget, you told him how sometimes, you feel very sad.  Wimp.

True, he’d shared the fact that his relationship with his father was extremely difficult and at times abusive.  He’d confided that, like many people, he had struggled with depression for most of his life, and still found it a battle.  But had he shared anything that really mattered?  Had he bared himself, let Sonny know about the handful of suicide attempts when he was younger?  Had he admitted to ending a toddler’s life, and being charged for it–going to trial, leaving his job, causing so many people so much pain?

No; of those secrets that mattered the most to him, he hadn’t breathed a word, and wasn’t sure he could.  No matter how much he might want to be with Sonny.

Sonny’s breathing was soft, steady, and Rafael could tell he was asleep.  

Rafael bit back the urge to kiss him goodbye.  Instead, carefully, he extracted himself from Sonny’s grasp, tiptoed across the balcony, and slowly made his way down the stairs.

Chapter Text

His footsteps echoed down the hallway of the hospital, seemingly louder than the sounds of any of the machines.  Checking his watch, Rafael hurried, rushing past the other rooms.  He had to be there in time.  Maggie was waiting for him–

1649. He checked the number again, and he was in the right place, but she was gone.  The machines were still there, their rhythmic sounds seemingly waiting for his arrival as well.  He could see the form in the bed.  Maggie hadn’t done it.  She’d left it for him to do, just like she had before.

Slowly approaching the bed, he somehow knew what he’d see before he saw it, and Rafael couldn’t calm his heart.  It’s only a dream, he told himself repeatedly, but it was getting harder to breathe.  Loosening his tie, he slowly reached for the cord keeping the child alive, when a cold hand wrapped around his wrist, stilling him.  He felt his eyes widen as he looked to the face in the bed, the eyes a dead shade of watery green.

“So easy to do for somebody else’s child,” his father hissed from the bed, “but you never had the balls to do it for your old man, did you, you little bitch?”

Something was vibrating against his left ass cheek, and Rafael was fairly certain it wasn’t a toy.

Reaching down, he felt around until he grabbed the offending object.  Of course it was his phone, and who else would be calling except–

“Hola Mami,” he barely grunted, squinting to find the clock next to his bed.  How the hell did he sleep until eleven twenty-three in the morning?

“Hello to you too, Rafi,” she greeted him, and he could hear amusement in her tone.  “Don’t tell me my sweet papito is sleeping!  It’s almost noon, isn’t it?”

Rafael grunted again.  “I thought you wanted me to catch up on my rest.”

“I do!” she exclaimed.  “By the way, I’m truly enjoying all the photos you’ve been sending me.  That’s why I decided to call this morning–I didn’t receive anything, so I wanted to know why.”

“Because I was sleeping, Mother.”  He let out a sigh, then swung his legs over the side of the bed.  “Tell you what.  As soon as I do something worth photographing, I’ll take another pic and send it to you.”

She chuckled now.  “You do that.  Please.  I’ll be looking for a photo in the next few hours–if nothing else, you’ve got to eat, right?  Have a wonderful day, mijo!”

He snorted.  “Te amo, Mami.  Adios.”

He listened to her hang up the line, then snorted again, biting back the start of a chuckle.  It was rare for her to call him in such a terrific mood, especially given how worried she’d been about him leaving.  If she only knew how much fun he’d been having—

Shit.

Memories of leaving Sonny on the lounge chair, peacefully sleeping, flooded his brain.  He’d been nervous, afraid that he was getting himself into something where he couldn’t hide much longer.  Eventually, Sonny would see who he was, and it would break the other man’s heart.  The thought of hurting Sonny was more than he could bear, already.

Already.

This was why he struggled with relationships.  He couldn’t stand the thought of ever being the person who hurt Sonny.  Yet he already knew he had the capacity; they were hardly dating, yet he couldn’t bring himself to be truthful about the entire reason he’d come to Curacao.  If he couldn’t even share what had been on the evening news back home, how in the hell could he ever expect to successfully be someone’s partner?

His phone vibrated, letting him know he had an incoming text.  He brought up his messages and immediately saw the reminder for today:  his paddleboarding lesson at two p.m.  

Rafael let out a sigh, wondering why in the hell he’d planned to learn how to paddleboard when he could have just as easily chosen to have a facial or a massage. He knew, of course; he’d been hoping that he’d get one tall blonde, sexy man as his instructor.  When he’d been assigned to someone else, he couldn’t bring himself to ask for Sonny, especially since he already knew that Sonny was supposed to be his jet ski instructor on Thursday afternoon.

Glancing at his texts again, Rafael realized he’d missed a handful since yesterday.  Mom, Mom, Liv, library, bill reminder, Sonny— he froze, then quickly pulled up Sonny’s texts . There were three, with the first sent at 1:43 this morning, shortly after he’d fallen asleep.

Baby Ice (Sonny Carisi): hey, sorry i fell asleep  on you…you make it back okay to your room?  Text me whenever you get this–just wanna know you’re safe.

The next one was similar to the first.

Baby Ice (Sonny Carisi):   hey Rafi?  You make it back okay?  I’m guessing you’re sleeping, since it’s almost three!  Okay, I’m gonna turn in also.  Just text me when you see this, k?

The final one was sent this morning.  Quite likely right before Mami’s call, he thought.

 Baby Ice (Sonny Carisi): Hey Rafi.  Sorry to bother you so much.  I’m sure you made it back okay–I just get a little nervous not knowing.  I’m sorry I dumped so much on you last night–I also  sometimes have a habit of oversharing.  I hope I didn’t make you feel too uncomfortable.  We don’t have to talk about it again!  I hope I’ll still see you at the pool around five, like we’d planned.  I really enjoy your company.

Rafael sat back on the bed.  His heart simply ached for this man, and for Sonny thinking that he had somehow done something that had turned Rafael off. If anything, he felt closer to Sonny than he’d felt to anyone else in a long time–so much that it scared him a little.  But he would not punish Sonny for his own shortcomings.  Sonny didn’t deserve that; he’d done nothing wrong. The only thing he’d done was share his truth, something Rafael had witnessed literally hundreds of people do over the years.

Rafi B: Hey Sonny.  I’m so sorry I missed your messages!  I made it back to my room just fine–you were asleep and looked so sweet and peaceful, I didn’t want to disturb you.  

Sonny, you are one of the bravest men I’ve met in a long time.  You did nothing wrong last night.  You told me your story.  You shared your truth and I feel humbled and honored to witness it.  It’s part of the reason you are the man I’m getting to know.  We can talk about it as much or as little as you’d like.  There’s no reason to avoid it for my sake.

I’m really looking forward to seeing you at the pool around five.  Hope you have a great day at work–I can’t wait to see what we do tonight!

Rafael sent the text, hoping his message would help Sonny relax a bit.  He had considered–for just a moment–writing something in there about his experiences as an ADA with Manhattan’s Special Victims Unit, but he’d stopped himself.  He knew that Sonny was aware he’d been an ADA in Manhattan, but he’d never shared the victims he worked with.  The thought of giving that information away freely right now, even though Sonny could find it on his own, seemed foolish.  Especially if he didn’t want the other man to learn about Drew.

He knew he couldn’t hide from what he’d done much longer.  Sonny was bound to find out sooner or later; all it would take was one online search, and it would be over.  Rafael needed to figure out if he was going to bear his soul too. Was it worth it? After all, in a few more days he’d be flying back to New York, and all of this would be as much of a memory as his trial.

*

Rafael approached the paddleboard area, feeling a bit nervous.  He wasn’t in the greatest of shape, and he’d heard this could be a bit of a workout. He was also sporting a piece of  completely new swim gear that he worried didn’t flatter him.  The new rash guard was an opaque white, and it clung to his chest so tightly that he worried that his nipples were exhibits A and B.  The orange board shorts were tried and true, though; thank God for them.  He was almost to the paddleboard hut when he heard a familiar voice drawl, “Well now…if that isn’t a beautiful sight.”

Rafael spun around and lowered his sunglasses on his nose so his eyes were looking over them.  Sonny Carisi, long and lean in board shorts and a rash guard of his own, was leaning against the side of the hut, smirking at him.

Rafael felt his cheeks flush a pleasant shade of pink as he grinned.  “You talking about me?”

“Of course not,” Sonny replied smoothly, pulling himself up straight.  “I was simply admiring the water.  Hear you have a lesson at two today, right?”

Rafael nodded, readjusting his sunglasses.  “I do…on a paddleboard, though.  Not a jet ski or catamaran or…your stuff.”

Sonny chuckled.  “Well, unfortunately for you, my colleague Greer is still giving some sightseeing tour, so you’re gonna be stuck with me today.  Unless, of course, you want a refund.”

Rafael mock scowled.  “It’s all-inclusive.”

Sonny grinned again.  “You’re right, it is.  No refunds, then.  If you wanna learn how to paddle board, let’s get crackin’.  I got a date at five with a young, sexy thing, and I don’t wanna miss it.”

Rafael arched an eyebrow despite the sunglasses.  “Young, huh?”

“Young enough.”  Sonny led him out to the paddleboards located at the end of the deck, and got the lesson started.

The water was crystal clear and warm.  Rafael could see straight through to the sand at the bottom of the ocean floor as he and Sonny paddled out a bit on their bellies, putting space between them and the hut.  “You ready now?” Sonny asked, as he smoothly pulled himself up into a crouch, then stood on the board.

Rafael watched him, biting his lip.  “I hope this lesson comes with instructions, because that, what you just did?  I don’t know how to do that.”

So that’s where they started.  Sonny taught him how to balance, to crouch and stand, then to paddle.  They made their way out in the clear, shallow water, admiring the fish and other sea life swimming by.  Once Rafael was wearing out, Sonny suggested they lay on their boards for a little while, and they did, chatting about their childhood summer experiences.

I could listen to him talk forever, he found himself thinking.  Sonny’s laughter tickled him in all the right ways.  He learned more about the sisters, how Bella had been the one who loved to bake just like he and his mother did, while T would rather pull her hair out strand by strand than spend an hour in the kitchen.  He found out that when Sonny was sixteen, one of Gina’s best friends was diagnosed with leukemia.  When the girl lost all her hair, Gina shaved her own head in an act of solidarity, and created a hair-shaving fundraiser to help her friend.  Sonny talked his entire baseball team into raising money and shaving their heads, and by the time he was done, Rafael was trying to secretly wipe away tears from his face.

“Your family’s amazing,” Rafael said with a sigh.  “Hey, is my lesson over yet?”

Sonny laughed.  “Why, are you done listening to me babble again?”

“Not a chance,” Rafael told him, wishing he could reach across the boards for a kiss.

“Technically yes,” Sonny answered, checking his watch.  “I guess I kept you over, ‘cause it’s like, four-thirty.” Looking at Rafael, he asked, “Ready to head to the pool?”

“Yeah, probably,” Rafael told him. “If you don’t mind just making sure I do this right…”

He did just fine–apparently it wasn’t as hard as he’d imagined to balance on a paddleboard when the water was smooth–and they made it back in a short amount of time.

Time with Sonny–or maybe it was time in Curacao, he wasn’t sure–seemed to slip away far more quickly than it did in Manhattan.  They started their evening in the pool, swimming together, then had dinner in one of the more casual restaurants at the resort.  Before Rafael knew it, the sun had set into the water and it was nearly ten at night.  

There was a dance party by the main pool again that he’d planned on attending.  That was before he’d met Sonny, before he’d gotten lost in who Sonny was and how open he was and how simply wonderful in every way he was.  And after another day together, swimming and talking and laughing and kissing, all Rafael wanted was time alone…with Sonny.

But he knew he had to share some of himself.  It was no longer reasonable to say nothing as Sonny openly shared story after story with him.  Maybe, he thought, it would be easier in his own room, in his own space, even if it was borrowed space.  Yes, maybe on the balcony, or on the couch–

“You still wanna dance?” Sonny asked as they left the restaurant.  He motioned toward the pool, but didn’t step toward it.  Rafael took a step closer to him, feeling his heart pounding excitedly in his chest.

“I had another idea,” he murmured, taking Sonny’s hand in his.  “Would you like to go up to my room with me?  We could talk…more…”

Sonny’s eyes widened slightly, and he smiled.  “Whatever you want,” he agreed, and holding Sonny’s hand, Rafael guided him to the elevators.

*

“You’re right,” Sonny agreed as he stood on the balcony, looking out over the resort.  “It’s absolutely breathtaking up here.”

Rafael nodded.  “Told you,’ he replied as he took a sip of the beer he was holding.  He’d gotten each of them one, once they’d come inside the room.

“So do you always stay in the really nice, really expensive places when you travel?” Sonny asked him, taking a seat in the chair next to where he was standing.  He was smirking, and Rafael let out a loud, unflattering snort.

‘Uh, not always,” he clarified, pulling out his own chair and taking a seat.  “To tell you the truth, the last place I wanted to be in winter was the slushy, gray streets of Manhattan.  Everything’s cold and wet and just…well, you know.  Kind of ugly.  So I got an email from my travel agent–well, this lady who’s sold me a trip or two before–and she said this was a great resort, all inclusive, affordable for my budget.  So I skimmed the flyer, saw the dates, and I bought it.  Honestly, I had no idea, or I didn’t remember, anyway, that I was going to be treated like royalty.  That just ended up being a happy accident.”

Sonny hummed, taking a swig of his beer.  “I’m glad you bought it–I’m glad you got lucky,” he said, and when Rafael looked at him this time, his face was nothing short of sincere.

“I need to tell you something,” he suddenly blurted out.  “I need to tell you why I’m here.”

Sonny looked confused.  “I thought you’re here because you hate Manhattan winters?”

“I am, but…”  Rafael closed his eyes, exhaled a breath.  “When you were visiting Staten Island this last time, did you watch the news at all?”

“Not much,” Sonny admitted.  “We were pretty busy with other stuff…why?”

Rafael bit his lip and prayed that his heart didn’t beat any faster, because he couldn’t take it if it did. “I was in the news a lot…I was on trial, Sonny.  That Manhattan prosecutor who unplugged a toddler’s life support?  That was me.”  

Sonny’s striking blue eyes were wide, focused on him.  Terrified of what the other man might be thinking, Rafael looked down, but forced himself to continue. “I unplugged the machines that were keeping a fourteen month old child alive. He’d been brain-dead for months with no hope for recovery, and it was tearing his family apart.  His mother, she’d planned to do it, but collapsed and couldn’t follow through. I think the guilt she would’ve faced, it would have been too much for her.  So I told her to go home, that I would do it for her.  And I did.”  Wiping at his tears with his hands, he let out a choked laugh that was anything but funny.  “My boss didn’t exactly see it as an act of mercy, like the baby’s mother and I did.  He charged me with second-degree murder.  Put me on trial.  I would have been thrown into Rikers with the same people I’d helped to convict  for the last twenty years.”  

He felt choked by the lump in his throat and the congestion building in his nose.  Tears continued to fall, unyielding, but Rafael was determined to purge his truth in a way that he hadn’t before.  He knew if he stopped now, he’d never get it all out, and it was time for someone else to hear what he’d been carrying for months.  “I don’t know…maybe I deserved it, to go to prison like that. What I did, trying to help that family… I hurt a lot of people.  I didn’t really consider all the consequences of what I was doing when I did it.  I let myself get caught up in the pain of that baby, of his  mother…my own emotions…”  Quietly, Rafael gasped for a shaky breath through his tears.  “My dad–he, uh, he was on one of those machines when I was twenty or so, and I had to decide…and I couldn’t…I couldn’t figure out what to do.” Choking on his guilt, knowing he had utterly failed everyone not only once, but twice, Rafael fought back sobs.  “I’m sorry, Sonny…I should’ve told you from day one, so you wouldn’t have wasted your time with me.”

He wiped at his eyes with his hands again, feeling stupid that he hadn’t planned better with boxes of tissues, when he suddenly realized tissues were being placed in his hands.  Sonny, he thought to himself.  Even now he’s kind to me.   “Thanks,” he mumbled, using the tissues to mop at his face.

In the quiet, as Rafael wiped away his tears and tried to catch his breath, Sonny’s hand came to gently rest on his forearm.

Forcing himself to look, Rafael finally met Sonny’s gaze.  Those blue eyes weren’t quite as wide, but they were just as lovely, and held none of the horror or disgust he’d anticipated.  Instead, Sonny’s expression was one of sadness and deep compassion, and it caused Rafael to gasp in shock.  Before he could speak, though, Sonny slid his chair closer.

“Rafael,” he said softly, soothingly, “time with you is never a waste.”

The lump in Rafael’s throat returned, larger than ever, but this time, the tears that came held a mix of gratitude and sadness.  With his words, Sonny had just now given him the precious gifts of grace and purpose, both of which he hadn’t felt since he had stood next to baby Drew’s incubator months ago.

But the sadness…he’d been holding back sadness and grief ever since he’d looked around that courtroom and found himself utterly alone.  Because he didn’t regret bringing peace to Drew, nor his family.  Not really.

What he regretted was the weight of the judgment that had followed.  The looks, the hushed whispers in hallways and around watercoolers.  The unreturned texts and phone calls, the painful silence at his door.  The isolation.

Drew Householder had lived a life of isolation.  He was unable to see or hear, nor interpret the touch of his loved ones.  Then Rafael had ended the baby’s torment, as well as that of his parents’.  He just hadn’t realized that in doing so, he’d be taking on isolation, himself.

“I’ve been so alone,” he choked out. 

Then Sonny was wrapped around him, holding him tightly and whispering words of kindness and comfort as he cried.  Hands stroking his back, rocking him gently, assuring him that he didn’t have to be alone any more.  And somewhere, somewhere, he heard, “I’ll be here as long as you’ll let me.”

He didn’t know how long it took–maybe minutes, maybe hours–but eventually, Sonny helped to guide him into the room and to his bed.  Rafael’s shoes were taken off his feet and his body was tucked under the light bed linens.  A glass of water appeared next to him on the nightstand, right before the light was turned off.  Then, most comforting of all, a warm body slid next to his in the bed–the first in months–and he was nestled in the comfort of Sonny Carisi.

Chapter Text

Slowly opening his eyes, Rafael blinked, trying to get his bearings. The quiet tapping of rain first caught his attention, and when he turned toward the balcony, he saw Sonny, standing by the hammock with his phone up to his ear.  He was in the same clothes he’d had on the night before–a pair of jeans shorts and a Journey tee shirt.  His hair was tousled from sleep, and when he turned and looked at Rafael, Rafael could see the scruff along his upper lip and his chin, surrounding his smile.  He was beautiful, and Rafael forced a shy smile back.

A moment later, Sonny stepped back inside the room, phone still to his ear.  “Yeah, thanks Greer.  I owe ya one.  Y’know I’m good for it!”  He let out a soft chuckle, then said goodbye and hung up.  Gazing at Rafael, he slowly walked to the bed and sat on its side.  “That was Greer, my coworker.  She’s gonna cover me today. How you feelin’ this mornin’?” He ran his fingers through Rafael’s bangs.

Rafael closed his eyes, feeling that lump in his throat return. How long had it been since anyone had cared for him like this?   “I’m, uh…better, I think,” he said, raspy, but forcing a smile.  “A little surprised you’re still here, though.”

Sonny’s eyes went wide.  “You want me to leave?”

“No, no,” Rafael quickly answered.  “I just…I guess I just thought you’d not want to be around me once I told you.  And then that complete meltdown that followed…I didn’t mean for that to happen.  I’m sorry you had to witness that.”  Biting his lip, he added, “I hope you didn’t feel like you needed to take off work for me…I’m gonna be okay.”  One way or another, I’m definitely going to be okay, he told himself, and this time he believed it. 

“Hey.I wanna be with you, Rafi…and you have nothin’ to be sorry for, okay?” Sonny pressed a kiss to his forehead, then climbed over him, onto the bed.  He lay down as Rafael rolled over to face him.  “Rafi, I already knew.”

Rafael’s chest tightened as his heart began to race.  “You…you knew?” he asked.  “This whole time?  You knew and you still chose to spend time with me anyway? Why?”  His mind was spinning with a mix of shock and confusion. “You never said you knew…Sonny, you never acted like you had any idea–”

Sonny reached over, letting a hand rest on Rafael’s hip.  “I was waiting until you brought it up,” he explained quietly, using his thumb to gently rub soothing circles.  “Look, I was stunned when I met you on the shuttle.  I immediately knew it was you because of the news coverage, and I considered asking you how you were doing, but I was just a stranger.  I figured you’d probably wanna tell me to get lost, after everything you’d been through.  But then I saw you had Margo Black’s book, and we started talking about that, and next thing I knew, I found myself really liking you.  Like, beyond a physical attraction…I liked you , Rafael. You were funny, and sweet, and I wanted to get to know you better. I was sure of it.  So when I got back to my place, I called my sister Gina, and we talked about it.  She pointed out that it was quite likely you were tryin’ to get a breath of air from what you’d just been through, tryin’ to emotionally recover, and that if you wanted me to know anything, you’d tell me– especially since I’d played so dumb.”  He smiled and gently squeezed Rafael’s hip.  “I just figured she was right.  So I decided to let you lead that conversation for now.”

“You’re Catholic,” Rafael pointed out, swallowing hard.  “You know what the Bible says…”

Sonny reached over with his thumb, wiping a random tear away from Rafael’s cheek.  “So are you, babe.  We both know what the bible might say about lots of things, including the fact that we’re incredibly attracted to one another. But last I checked, there wasn’t just one way to interpret the Word.”  Sonny’s finger stroked his face.  “Being Catholic doesn’t automatically mean I don’t agree with what you did, and it also doesn’t mean that I don’t have any idea what you’ve gone through, or what you’ve given up.” He placed a kiss on Rafael’s hand, then continued.  “My ma…she’s a nurse, remember?  She’s watched people for years in situations very similar to that baby’s; situations where loved ones let people pass easily, and ones where, for whatever reason, loved ones couldn’t say goodbye.  She had a patient once who was kept on life support for years.  Years, Rafael.  By the time that poor woman died, she’d been put through hell, and so had her entire family.  Trauma like that tears people apart.” Sonny paused in thought for a moment. “I believe that all life has value.  But that doesn’t mean that we have the right to fight tooth and nail to keep people living, no matter what.  That’s not only foolish and selfish, it’s immoral too–at least in my opinion.  You did what a good, moral person would do, Rafael…one who was brave enough, anyway.  Just because the law says it’s wrong doesn’t mean it is.  You of all people should know that.”

Rafael gazed at Sonny for several moments, then buried his face into Sonny’s shoulder, taking deep, centering breaths.  Although his body still occasionally shuddered, he found himself slowly relaxing, comfortably wrapped in Sonny’s arms again.  “You’re a good man, Rafi,” Sonny whispered, gently stroking his back.  “I see how courageous you are.”

They lay there, snuggled together for a long time, the rain pattering on the windows.  Rafael replayed Sonny’s words in his head repeatedly. So many people had rejected him, insulted him, promised him a spot in Hell right next to Satan himself. People he’d always believed were good, moral people had said those things to him. Yet here was Sonny, claiming he believed Rafael was a”good and moral man”. Brave. Courageous.

And if Sonny believed that was true of him…could there be others who believed that, too?

Pulling his face from Sonny’s shirt, Rafael met his eyes.  “Are you sure you believe everything you said? And your family…do they feel the same as you?”

“I believe every word, and so does my family.  We talked about it during my last visit.” Sonny reached over, resting a hand on the side of Rafael’s face.  “Not just once, honey, but several times.  My parents, they would shake their heads and say it was a crime what you were bein’ put through.  More than once, I saw my mother tear up as she watched bits of the news covering the trial–that’s part of the reason we didn’t watch much of it.  My sister Gina said more people needed to have that kind of strength.”  He gently stroked Rafael’s jaw.  “Rafael, I only wish that I had the kind of courage and bravery that you do.  I took that seat next to you on the shuttle because…because to me, you’re a hero. Not only because you were courageous enough to assist in that baby’s passing.  I’m also aware that you’ve spent your entire career prosecuting rapists. Over twenty years, Rafi. I saw what goes into one trial, mine, and that ended with a plea deal.  Much easier than what you typically handle.  I cannot imagine witnessing that pain, advocating for those victims for years. The kind of dedication that takes…a part of me loved you before I met you.  Then, once I met you…”  His eyes welled with tears, and his smile trembled.  “Well.  I just know a hero when I see one.”

Rafael’s mouth hung open, shocked by Sonny’s confession.  “Sonny…”  Reaching out, he cupped Sonny’s face in his own hands.  “Is it too soon to tell you that I love you?”

Sonny’s smile grew.  “Not if you really do.”

Rafael felt his eyes well with tears.  “I love you,” he whispered, sliding closer, until his lips brushed against Sonny’s, soft and warm. Sonny returned the kiss, gently cupping Rafael’s jaw, and Rafael allowed himself to relax in Sonny’s arms. His lips opened further, and the kiss deepened.  At last, Rafael thought to himself, immersed in the feeling of being loved.

It had been years since he’d felt anything like this.  The complete acceptance of him, body and soul, sang from Sonny’s fingertips. Sonny’s hands were caressing him; slow, tender strokes that soothed him, yet left him aching for more. Something about the way Sonny held him made Rafael feel beautiful, exquisite; Sonny touched him as though he were precious in his hands, and Rafael took care to do the same, praying Sonny felt it too. 

He felt lost in the pleasure of it all, his body growing warmer by the second as blood rushed through him, eager to chase the other man’s touch.  Sonny’s taste implanted itself on Rafael’s tongue and in his brain, something never to be forgotten, and when a hand slipped under his shirt, tangling in his chest hair, Rafael gasped for breath.

“Sonny,” he murmured, stroking the other man’s neck, “I don’t know how far you’re comfortable with going–”

“I wanna make love with you, Rafi,” the other man murmured, his lips brushing over Rafael’s neck, “unless you wanna stop.  If you wanna stop, that’s fine, too.”

Rafael cupped Sonny’s face in his hands.  “Sonny.”  His voice was quiet, but focused.  “Are you sure?  I don’t know if you’ve done it since–”

“I have,” Sonny replied, meeting his eyes with a loving gaze.  “I’ve had a couple of experiences  since.  But no one…nobody that I’ve wanted the way I want you. Nobody I’ve loved like I love you…”  He caught Rafael’s hand in his own, settling it on his chest, over his heart.  “D’you feel that?  The way it beats for you?”

Rafael swallowed heavily.  He’d never wanted anyone this much in his life.

Firmly, he pulled Sonny’s mouth to his, tangling their tongues together and ready for whatever came next.

*

“So how often does this happen, anyway?” Rafael asked, tossing another piece of popcorn into his mouth. “I can’t believe it’s still raining.”

The morning’s rain shower had ended up being an all-day rainstorm.  Not that either of them had minded, or even noticed very much.  They’d spent the majority of their day in Rafael’s bed, enjoying one another.  Learning bodies, mastering one another’s pleasure spots, focusing on the physical proof of their newfound love.  Rafael had never felt so cherished by another person, and he’d made every effort to insure Sonny felt the same.

Occasionally, between the kisses and the whispers of affection, he could hear his own mind asking the questions he wasn’t ready for.  What’s going to happen when you fly back Saturday? Could you ever make this work long-distance?  Would he possibly consider moving back to the city?  How hard would it be to move to Curacao? 

What if this ends?

But he blocked them out.  He wasn’t ready to look at anything past today, beyond this moment.  Because in this moment, he was loved by an amazing man, and that was worth something.  Maybe worth everything.  This love, this connection, mattered. 

Around two, they’d finally dragged themselves out of bed and into the shower together.  There, they’d gotten lost again in the touch of one another, until they finally forced themselves to turn off the water.  Then they stepped out to dry one another, once again taking the time to explore the feel of hands along one another’s skin.  Finally, they’d managed to pull some clothes on.  Rafael had put on a pair of clean boxer briefs and lounge pants, and Sonny had borrowed a pair of boxers and cargo shorts–causing Rafael to snicker at the fact the shorts ended at mid-thigh on the other man.  

“Dominick dukes,” he’d teased, referencing the first name Sonny had shared with him during one of his family tales. Dominick Luca Carisi–who knew Sonny was only a nickname?  

Sonny had shrugged, then wrapped his arms around Rafael.  “Call ‘em whatever ya want, baby.  Worth it, especially since you’re checkin’ out my peach.” Confident, Sonny grinned before kissing him again.  “Worth it a million times over.”

Now they were lying on Rafael’s couch, snacking on popcorn with their legs tangled together.  Talking again, about any and everything.  Rafael swore he’d never found anyone else that he could talk to the way he could talk to Sonny. His words came easy, and for once, his heart was light.

“Eh,” Sonny responded, pulling himself up into a sitting position before grabbing the popcorn, “it doesn’t rain like this often, but every once in a while, we get a good amount.  Don’t worry, though, it should be over by tomorrow morning.”

Tomorrow. The only worry he had for tomorrow was that Sonny had to return to work.  But it wasn’t that big of a deal, because they were still planning to go into Willemstead again, to the book shop to meet Margo Black…at least, that had been the plan.  “We’re still going to see Margo Black tomorrow, right?” Rafael asked, wanting to be sure.

Sonny’s face immediately broke into a grin.  “That’s the plan,” he agreed, tossing several pieces of popcorn into his mouth at once.  “My gal’s gonna be upset if I miss her.”

“Your gal,” Rafael snorted, taking some more popcorn.  “Something tells me I’m more her type.  After all, I’m an attorney, just like she writes about.  You’re in charge of…of watersports.”

Sonny shot him such an immediate, disheartening glare, that they both ended up bursting into laughter. A minute later, they were curled up together again, pressing soft, open kisses on one another.  “Do you have to leave tonight?” Rafael asked as Sonny sucked gently on his neck.

“No,” he murmured, “but I’ve gotta get back in the mornin’, early.  I’m workin’ a shift before we go into town tomorrow. You wanna stay at my place when we get back?  We can watch the waves from my deck.”

Rafael smiled.  “Mmm… while you bounce me on your dick?”

Sonny chuckled, the warmth of his breath causing goosebumps to travel up Rafael’s arm.  “If that’s what you want, sweetheart.”

Rafael turned to face him again.  Smiling, he hummed.  “I love you.” Stroking Sonny’s face, he whispered, “I can’t believe I’ve finally found you.  I thought I’d be alone forever, but here you are.”

Sonny pressed the softest kiss to Rafael’s forehead, then to his nose.  “You’ll never be alone again if you don’t want to,” he promised.  “You’re everything, Rafi.  I know it, I feel it, as sure as I breathe.”

“Sonny.”  He climbed into the other man’s lap, cupping his face.  He couldn’t get close enough.

As they were kissing again, his phone rang…for the tenth time that day, he was pretty certain.  He was also pretty certain who it was.

“You should probably get that, babe,” Sonny chuckled between kisses.  “Seems like your ma doesn’t give up easily.”

Sighing, Rafael climbed back off Sonny’s lap and grabbed his phone.  Sure enough, it was

“Hey Mami,” he answered, trying to keep the irritation out of his voice.  He glanced at Sonny, who smirked at him.  He rolled his eyes in response.  “Yes, I’m fine…I know, I’m sorry.  I’ve been busy all day…uh, I’ve been in bed a lot–”  As Sonny nearly burst into laughter, Rafael threw a pillow at him.  

“No, no!  I’m fine!  Yes, you know how tired I’ve been.  Oh, that’s gone fine.  We’re going into Willemstead tomorrow to a bookstore…there’s an author we both love who’s going to be there…I doubt you know her, it’s Margo Black.  Really?  You’ve read them both, too?  Wait!” he suddenly cried out loudly  “Don’t tell me the end of that—I haven’t finished yet, and if you ruin what happens to Maric, I’m going to scream!  I’ve been waiting for that asshole to get his since chapter two!”  

Sonny turned his face away, pushing his mouth into his arm to stay quiet, and Rafael laughed just from watching him. “Yeah, okay…well, I’ll let you know how it goes.  Maybe I’ll bring you back an autographed copy of Other Cold Dishes… or would you rather it be The Fear Clinic?”   His eyes met Sonny’s again, and he almost missed what his mother said.  “Huh?  Yeah, got it.  All right, I’ll talk with you tomorrow, Mami.  And don’t freak out if I’m not answering tomorrow evening…I’m on a date!” Sonny held two fingers in the shape of a V, then slid another one in between the two.  Rafael rolled his eyes and did his best not to snort.  “Okay.  Love you too.  Bye.”  He hung up his phone.  “You are a heathen, aren’t you?” he teased, climbing back into Sonny’s lap.

Sonny didn’t deny it.  Instead, he wrapped his arms loosely around Rafael and began to kiss his jaw. “Mmm…which book did she choose?”he asked, curious. 

Rafael’s eyes slipped shut, enjoying his lover’s mouth on his neck.  “Think I’ve already forgotten,” he murmured, then lost himself in Sonny’s kiss again.

Chapter Text

His shoes echoed down the hallway, seemingly louder than the sounds of the machines.  He’d told Maggie he would meet her here to provide support, no matter what she decided.  Innately, he knew the law was wrong; this decision should be left to Drew’s parents and doctors, not the courts. Watching her baby suffer day after day had been torture for Maggie.  He could remember feeling that weighty albatross when it had hung from his own neck, and the desire to do anything to remove it.

He stood in the doorway of Room 1649, watching as Maggie kissed Drew’s tiny fingers and toes, his nose and his cheeks.  He watched her stroke his baby hair, watched the tears slowly sliding down her cheeks.  At last she glanced up at him, and he stepped into the room, setting his bag on the table and removing his overcoat.

“I have to do this,” she said softly.  “I can’t let him suffer any longer.  I hope you understand; you can’t talk me out of this.”  Her tears came faster, and she stifled a broken sob in her chest as he stepped closer.

“I’m not here to do that,” he murmured, resting a gentle hand on her forearm.

She nodded, beginning to cry harder.  “It’s time,” she croaked, reaching forward, but before she could grab the cord, Maggie bent over, collapsing on herself.  He reached for her, and in that moment, he could feel her desperation and the abject grief gripping her soul.

“Maggie…Maggie,” he heard himself say.  She was breaking, right in front of him, just like his mother had with his papi, and he had to save her from this.  He could do this.  He could.  “Maggie, go home.  It’s going to be okay.  I’ll take care of everything.  Go home.”

He watched as, grief-stricken and stumbling, Maggie left the room, only daring a single glance back at him.  He nodded, then watched as she turned around and continued down the hall.  He looked down at the small boy now in his care.  One of God’s children, in nonstop pain because of the machines that kept him alive.  A child who would never know the best nor the worst of this world, never understand even the slightest bit of human comfort.  Feeling tears well in his eyes, he made the sign of the cross, then pressed his fingertips to his lips before lowering them to Drew’s—

“Rafi?”  He felt a hand gently touch his cheek before resting on his chest.  “You okay, baby?”

Opening his eyes, Rafael found himself looking into Sonny’s loving, concerned gaze, and for a second, he was terrified he’d done something to give away the dreams that had haunted him since Drew’s death.  “I’m okay,” he tried to reassure Sonny, reaching up and stroking the other man’s hair.  “I’m okay…why?  Did I say something?”

“You were crying, sweetheart,” Sonny replied, pressing a soft kiss to his temple.  “Were you dreaming?”

The urge to dismiss his lover’s concern completely with a lie was strong, but he’d promised himself to be honest with Sonny. Sonny was safe, and he could do this.  “I have dreams a lot, um…you know, about the baby–Drew was his name–the one I, uh…”

“The one you helped transition,” Sonny kindly assisted him, and he nodded.

“Yeah, that.”  Gently, he pushed Sonny’s chest a bit, and Sonny lay down on his back as Rafael rolled over, settling on top of him.  He rested his head over Sonny’s heart, randomly stroking the soft bit of chest hair, and sighed.  “If it’s okay with you, I’d rather not talk about it…at least not now.”

Sonny stretched, resting a hand behind his head and using his other to stroke Rafael’s hair.  “It’s fine, babe,” he murmured.  “Jus’ wanted to make sure you were okay.”

Eyes closed, Rafael smiled.  “I’m here with you,” he whispered, “so I’m all good.”

*

Checking himself in the mirror, Rafael smiled.  He’d had to wear a collared shirt to cover the love bite Sonny had left on his neck, but for the first time he could remember, it didn’t annoy him.  It happened, those things, when you were passionately in love with someone.  It wasn’t something either of them meant to happen, but it had, and a collar would cover it, no problem.

Making his way down to the lobby, he checked his watch.  They’d agreed to meet at two so they’d have plenty of time to get over to the bookstore.  Rafael was carrying his copy of Other Cold Dishes, hoping the author would sign it.  He’d remembered, halfway through his eggs that morning, that his mother had requested he purchase her a new copy of Black’s first novel,  The Fear Clinic, and have it signed for her. It didn’t surprise him at all that she’d asked for that.  His mother had a small but interesting collection of authors’ first novels, all signed and in hardback.  It was eclectic, if not just plain odd, and Black’s book would fit in perfectly.

Approaching the bar, Rafael took a seat and ordered a light cocktail while he waited for Sonny. He opened the novel and tried to finish the chapter where he’d left off, but too easily his mind drifted back to the night before.

Sonny’s limbs were warm and tangled with his own.  Rafael sighed into his lover’s mouth as their chests pressed together yet again, an arousing tease of skin on skin.  He couldn’t begin to imagine a situation in which he would ever grow tired of touching Sonny Carisi.  As Sonny’s breath hitched again, he could feel his lover’s erect cock brush against his hip.  Rafael eagerly reached to stroke it, his hand sliding roughly up and down, tightly gripping him. Sonny groaned, the sound a mix of hunger, of want, and of a deep, aching need. “Gonna come again, baby…gonna come on you this time, Rafi…God you’re so hot…want you so bad.”

Rafael gave him a quick push back and slid out from under him.  “Tell me how you want me,” he immediately gasped, ready to position himself however Sonny requested.  Sonny sat up, breathing heavily, then reached over, placing a hand on the back of Rafael’s head, and pulled him forward into another hungry kiss.  “Can I come on your face?” he rasped, and Rafael nodded, immediately climbing off the bed and lowering himself to his knees.

“Here, baby,” he directed, reaching for Sonny’s legs.  “Sit on the edge of the bed and I’ll suck you until you’re ready.”  Obediently, Sonny did as told, and Rafael smiled.  “I’m so fucking hungry for you,” he growled, low, fonding the cock in front of him.  “Wanna taste you again…want your taste on my tongue when I go to sleep tonight…you’re nothing short of delicious.  Tell me when you’re close again.”

Sucking him in, Rafael closed his eyes and moaned himself at the pleasure of it all.  He’d forgotten how much he loved sucking cock, especially for a man who loved the act–and him. As Sonny tapped the back of his throat a second, then a third time, he cried out.  “Rafi…Love you…love you…fuck!” Hot semen flooded his mouth, and Rafael swallowed greedily, wanting to be immersed in Sonny.

“Hey,” Sonny greeted him, pressing a gentle kiss to his temple.and quickly pulling him from the memory.  “Speed reading?”

Rafael chuckled.  “Just trying to finish the chapter.  How’s your day been?”

Sonny beamed.  “Great, but even better now that I’m here with you.  You ready?”

The shuttle ride into Willemstead went quickly, especially with great conversation, and it was a short walk to the bookstore.  There was already a noticeable line in front of the author’s table, and they took their spot at the end.  “Figures it’s so long,” Rafael said to Sonny.  “It’s so funny to think these books are even really popular in Curacao.”

Sonny hummed.  “Well, when you’re good, you’re good,” he remarked, flipping through his own copy of The Fear Clinic.   He’d brought a copy of each book, but it was The Fear Clinic that was dog-eared and showed clear signs of being lovingly read many times.  

“That one’s your favorite, huh?” Rafael nudged him, motioning toward the book Sonny was flipping through. His copy was at home, nearly as well-loved as the one he was looking at now.

“Yeah,” Sonny said, almost shyly.  “I’ve read it, like, five times now.  Something about those two characters…their feelings for one another…I mean, their willingness to do anything to save the other.  It gets me, y’know?”

Rafael nodded.  “I do.  I loved that, too.”  He was quiet for a moment.  “I guess I relate a lot to the moral and ethical battle of the main character in Other Cold Dishes. Plus, he’s an attorney.”  He shot a playful grin at Sonny, who grinned back.

“I get it,” Sonny said.  “Hey, in your opinion, what’s the best part about being a lawyer?  I mean, when I’d considered it, I had kinda wanted to do what you were doing…workin’ for the city, bein’ an ADA.”  Seeing Rafael’s smile disappear, Sonny rested a gentle hand on his back.  “Or we don’t have to talk about it at all.”

“No, it’s okay,” Rafael told him.  “It’s just…I still need to figure out what I’m going to do when I go back.  I quit the DA’s office,” he confided.  “But to answer your question, I think it depends on what’s important to you and what you enjoy.  The best part, to me, of being an ADA was getting justice for people who had been violated.  They deserved that, and overall, I was good at doing it.”  He grew quiet for a moment.  “Before that, though, I was in corporate law.  Back then I would have said the best part was the game, the winning.  But now?  I’d probably say it was the money, because without that, I wouldn’t be here, with you.”  He smiled then, warm and genuine, and Sonny smiled back.

“That all makes sense.”  Sonny nodded, flipping again through his book.  After a moment, still looking at the print, he said, “I’ve been thinkin’ about going to law school again…I mean, especially since meetin’ you.”  His eyes flickered to Rafael, and that shy smile appeared again.  “Turns out you’re pretty inspiring, counselor.”

Rafael felt his ears burning, but chose to ignore the flattery for the moment.  “So if you’re considering going back, does that mean to the city?”  He was so anxious to hear the answer, he couldn’t look Sonny in the eye.  

He heard Sonny clear his throat, and Rafael tried to calm his breathing.  “Well, yeah,” Sonny said, attempting to sound far more relaxed than he did.  “I’ve uh, made some calls.  It’s the right time to apply right now, they said, and I’d be a good candidate…at least, that’s what they told me. I could start as soon as fall semester without being formally admitted.  But it’s Fordham I’m lookin’ at, not anything like Harvard.”  He laughed awkwardly.

Rafael met his eyes and smiled.  “You’re going to do well no matter where you go, Sonny,” he said, heart aflutter yet again.  “You know, I’m in Manhattan.  I know your family’s on Staten Island, but any way I can help…”

They’d known each other for exactly six days.  Six days where each day had been better than the last; each day where he felt he knew not only Sonny but himself better than the day before.  Only six days, yet if Sonny followed him back to New York, Rafael would welcome him fully into his home and his life in every way.

He didn’t want to picture a life without him now.

Sonny’s cheeks had flushed pink and his blue eyes were sparkling brightly.  “Would you still wanna see each other?  I mean, if I go back?”

“Absolutely,” he breathed, hardly daring to believe it.  “You know I–” A tap on his shoulder caused Rafael to turn, and the portly woman behind him pointed past him, to the author’s table.

Margo Black.  It was their turn.

Excitedly, Rafael and Sonny stepped forward, ready to meet the author.

*

“I think this very well might have been the best day of my life.”

Sonny turned his head to look at Rafael.  They were both on their backs, naked and sweaty  again, this time in Sonny’s bed.  The sun was just beginning to set over the water, a gorgeous view straight in front of them through Sonny’s sliding glass deck doors. 

“Can’t argue with that,” the younger man chuckled.  “It’s not every day I get life-changing advice from my favorite author, then have mind-blowing sex with the man I’m madly in love with.  Does life get any better than this?”

Catching Sonny’s hand in his own, Rafael kissed the fingers slowly .  “Rarely,” he replied, feeling his own smile grow.  “She was pretty amazing, wasn’t she?”

Both men stepped up to the rectangular table filled with copies of Margo Black’s books.  The author herself was behind the table with a pen and a bottle of water,  and greeted them with a wide smile as she stood up.  “Hey, guys! Nice to meet you! I’m Margo.”

“Hey Margo,” Sonny immediately replied, his beautiful smile on full display as he extended his hand.  “I’m Sonny Carisi…it’s such an honor to meet you.” 

She shook Sonny’s hand.  “So nice to meet you, Sonny!  Thanks for coming.”  

Rafael quickly held out his hand to shake and offered a smile of his own.  “Hi, I’m Rafael Barba–”

“I thought that was you!” she nearly interrupted, shaking his hand enthusiastically.  “I know you probably hear this all the time these days, and you should…I’m just so honored to meet you!  It’s high time the news in this country paid attention to real people doing real work, standing up for difficult choices. Obviously, I caught part of your trial when I was in New York. Mr. Barba, truly, it’s such a pleasure.”

Rafael’s eyes flitted from the author to Sonny, whose smile had only grown brighter, back to the author again.  “Ah, thank you, Ms. Black,” he replied, reaching for his ADA persona.  “I appreciate your kind words.  That trial was…well, um…”

“Painful, I’m sure,” Margo supplied, and he nodded.  “I can truly appreciate that, as I think many people can.  In the end, though, I hope you know that you have far more supporters than enemies, at least as far as I can tell. To be honest, I kind of fell down a Rafael Barba rabbit hole one day, and that led me to read just how prolific your work has been on behalf of survivors.  Please don’t let your years of work for victims feel disregarded because of what the city chose to do.  That’s all I wanted to say.” She let out a soft chuckle and moved to sit again.  “Never expected to see you here in Willemstead, though.  What can I sign for you guys?”

Rafael nodded to Sonny, who handed over his beloved copy of The Fear Clinic.  Margo quickly flipped to the inside front cover.  “Sonny Carisi, right?” she checked, signing her name.  “What did you like about this one?  It’s rather campy and a bit crack fic, isn’t it?”

They all laughed for a moment.  “I was just tellin’ Rafael that I really found the relationship between the two main characters to be romantic–they really had to sacrifice for the other to survive...talk about true love!  Facing fears like that isn’t for the weak!”  He shot a smile at Rafael. 

Margo nodded.  “That was a huge message in the book.  It’s kinda funny…that book started out as a fic on a fanfiction board for a show I loved.Some of my friends encouraged me to find a publisher, which I had been certain would humiliate me.  It ended up working out very well, I’d say!  Taught me the importance of taking risks, in spite of fear.  Being afraid is okay as long as it doesn’t stop you from moving forward–”

“Write that down,” Sonny told her.  “I need to read that over and over!  It’s perfect life advice!”

She chuckled, then did just that before handing back the book.  Turning to Rafael, she took his copy of Other Cold Dishes.  “Okay if I write a personal note in here?” she asked, pen already gliding across the paper.

“Sure,” he agreed.  “Oh!  My mother also wanted me to buy her a signed copy of The Fear Clinic.”

Margo closed the book she’d been signing and grabbed a copy of The Fear Clinic for him.  “What’s her name?” she asked.  “I need to thank this woman for conceiving you!”

“Lucia,” he managed to say through a laugh, and Margo and Sonny joined him.  She quickly jotted a note for his mother, then handed the book to him.  “Thank you both for coming out–it was so great to meet you!” Giving a nod toward the book for Lucia, she added, “Book’s on me.  Seriously, thank you for all  you’ve done.”

Sonny was smiling again.  “Margo Black is now officially my favorite girl person,” he said,  pressing a kiss to Rafael’s nose.  “If we ever break up, I may try to pursue a relationship with her.  Just so you’re aware.” 

Rafael laughed, feeling incredibly warm and happy from his head to his toes.  “First, that’s never going to happen.  But if it did, you’ll have to wait your turn.  The woman loves me.”

Sonny’s laughter joined his own.  “You’re just all caught up in the fact she wrote you a sweet little note–”

“She gave me her phone number, Sonny,” Rafael reminded him.  “It’s written inside of my book!”

Sonny nudged him with an elbow.  “Aw, she wanted you to share that with me…she just didn’t wanna hurt your feelings by saying so!”

“She thanked my mother for fucking my dad, Sonny.” Rafael flipped onto his stomach and rested his head in his hand, elbow on the bed.  “Trust me, that’s NEVER happened before!”

Sonny’s laughter had morphed into sweet giggles as he reached over and pulled Rafael down for a kiss.  “Okay, well, you might have a point there,” he admitted.  “I hope Margo isn’t the type to hold a grudge, because I don’t see her ever getting a chance with you.  I’ve got you now, and I never intend to let you go.”

Something inside of Rafael’s chest melted.  Sweet and honest and oh so pure, for once in his life, he believed those words with every fiber of his being.  Stroking Sonny’s hair from his face, he smiled warmly.  “Don’t worry, Soleado…there’s nowhere else I’d rather be than with you.”

*

They did it.

They were in love and they wanted to stay together, so they had to have a plan.  Rafael was a planner, and at some point in that book store, he came to realize that if they were going to make a future of any kind work, they needed a plan.  Fortunately, Sonny agreed.  So after they’d put their clothes back on, they settled at Sonny’s kitchen table with two notebooks and pens, ready to sketch out what life together might look like, and how they’d get there.

Sonny would turn in his notice immediately at the resort, and plan to fly back in roughly three weeks.  During that time, he’d complete his application for school and register to take the first semester of classes. He’d pack up what he planned to bring back with him and give away or sell the rest.  He was hoping to be able to send his things ahead, to his parents’ house.

For his part, Rafael planned to rearrange his apartment to make room for Sonny.  “But what about you?’ Sonny asked as their conversation was winding down.  “Have you figured out what you want to do next?”

Honestly, he didn’t know.  His original goal to have his next step figured out had morphed into something entirely different.  He shrugged.  “I just wanna be your boyfriend.  At least for a while,” he replied, feeling even more strongly about it as he said it out loud.  “My money situation is still stable. I’m considering some different options in law; maybe teaching, or maybe working with a nonprofit.  I just want to take my time with this.”  He stopped speaking for a moment, thinking about their day.  “Did I show you what Margo wrote in my book?”

Sonny rolled his eyes and grinned.  “You showed me the phone number…I’m not sure I wanna read the dirty talk!”

Rafael laughed, standing up to go retrieve the novel.  “You need to read this.  It’s important.”  Picking it up, he brought it back to the table and handed it to his lover. 

Sonny flipped to the inside cover and began to read.

Rafael, I know how hard it can be when life grabs you by the neck and tosses you around a bit.  Don’t let anyone else tell you who you are–you already know who you are, and you’ve proven it a million times over.  In fiction, most stories follow the structure of an opener, having an incident that leads to a crisis, causing a climax, then resolving to an ending.  But I prefer to look at life more like a piece of music.  You have verses and a chorus.  Verses are where we learn, and choruses are what we do with that knowledge.  They speak to who we are, and musically, they repeat.  But occasionally, when you get a really good piece of music, instead of having a third verse, you encounter a bridge–unexpected and unique from the melody you’ve heard thus far–that leads you back to a more complex chorus. You’ve just lived through a bridge.  This experience, as painful as it’s been, was unique and unexpected. It forced you to look at the world in new ways, and you can damn well believe it’s going to make your chorus even brighter when you sing again.  And my, how I have no doubt you will sing.

One more thing–if you and your hottie there ever want a friend to join the party, give me a call.  555*555*5555 If I’m in town, you can bet I’ll be there! Much love, Margo

Sonny looked up.  “You didn’t tell me she wants to fuck us both!”

*

“What time do you leave tomorrow?” Sonny asked as they lay curled together on the deck lounge chair again.

Rafael ran a hand slowly up and down Sonny’s torso, under the tee shirt he was wearing.  “My plane leaves tomorrow at four, so I’m supposed to be packed up and ready to head out by two, the front desk said.”  He was doing his best not to think about it.  The thought of spending any time away from Sonny–even just a handful of days–was painful.

“I talked to my ma,” Sonny suddenly shared.  “Told her I was gonna apply to Fordham and come back home.  I think she nearly wet herself.”

Rafael let out a loud guffaw, and a second later, Sonny joined him.  “She’s been wanting this ever since I left, so yeah…it’s better than every holiday combined.  She’s already 

told my whole family by now.”  As their laughter died down, Sonny’s eyes met his own.  “Are you sure you’re not having any second thoughts?” Sonny asked as he tangled their fingers together.  “I know we’ve moved at lightning speed…”

Something inside of him, the part he’d been pushing down for the last week, attempted to rear its ugly head.  This is it.  He doesn’t feel like you do at all.  He’s going to bail…he’s looking for a way out.  If you’re smart, you’ll get the jump on him and run now.

He knew the smart thing to do would be, at the very least, to slow this train down.  Get back to Manhattan and give it a little time to cool off, to think more clearly.  He was smart enough to recognize that despite how they’d been acting all week, eventually one or both of them was likely to wake up and come to his senses.  Anyone with an ounce of sense could tell you how foolish this was.  He’d spent his entire life trying to avoid being a fool, to focus on the smart choices, to use his brain to always, always get ahead.

He was so tired of trying to do the smart thing.

When did vulnerability become equated with being stupid?  When did he start believing that following his emotions meant he was reckless? Squeezing Sonny’s hand, he met the other man’s gaze.  “If I’m completely honest, I need to tell you that I’m scared,” Rafael admitted, as Sonny’s hand rose to brush his hair back as he spoke.  “In fact, part of me is terrified that this is the last night we’ll spend together, that tomorrow I’ll go home, and you’ll decide you’d rather stay here, and I was fun for a week but not for a lifetime.”

“Rafi–”

“Let me finish,” Rafael whispered.  “You need to understand something, Sonny.  You need to know that even if that happens–if you decide to never see me again–I still won’t regret a minute of this with you.  I can’t.  You’ve loved a man who was convinced he was unloveable.  Not just because of what happened with Drew, but because I’ve always believed I was inherently broken; inherently, deeply flawed.  You’ve changed that, Sonny.  Because of you, I know I’m more than the sum of my mistakes.”  He smiled, warm and affectionate.  “No matter what, you’ve changed me forever.”

“Rafael.”  A mix of complex emotions flitted across Sonny’s face, then he leaned over and softly  kissed Rafael’s forehead. Then each eyelid followed, then each soft cheek, then his nose.  Pulling back, he climbed off the chair and stood, then held out his hand, and Rafael took it.

Sonny led him inside again, to the bed, then turned off the light.  They were plunged into shadow, and Rafael felt his heart flutter faster.  Then Sonny kissed him, deep and slow.  His hands reached for Rafael’s shirt, tugging it up and then off, and Rafael reached for Sonny’s next.

Once they were naked, Sonny gave Rafael a gentle nudge toward the mattress, and Rafael slowly lay down.  He could feel Sonny’s eyes moving over him slowly, reverently, taking him in, and he shivered silently.  Sonny climbed onto the bed and lay on top of him, covering his body, then kissed him again.  “I love you, Rafael,” he whispered as their eyes met again. “I’m going to love you forever.”

Rafael pulled his head down, kissing him with a desire he’d not known before.  This was love, deep and rich and full.  He ached to feel Sonny inside of him, longed to feel his hands all over his skin.  No one had ever made him feel this way in the entirety of his life, and he could no longer try to live a life without him.  A life without Sonny would always feel incomplete.

They made love, slowly and tenderly, each focused solely on the other. As Sonny moved inside of him, Rafael had no doubt that they were made to be one; two parts with one purpose. Heart pounding and breath coming in short gasps, he gave himself over to the exquisite pleasure he’d only felt with this man.  Sonny was now his world–his taste, his scent, the feel of him–and Rafael rode the wave of joy and excitement he felt when they moved together. When his climax overtook him, Rafael clutched Sonny’s body and gasped his name, consumed with passion.  Sonny followed just seconds later, groaning softly in Rafael’s ear, and Rafael tightened his arms around his lover, never wanting to let him go.

Chapter Text

The echo of his shoes in the hallway eclipsed the sound of the machines in every hospital room.  It was a new sound, loud here, and he didn’t think he’d ever get used to it. He hurried past each room, knowing he was late; hopefully Mami hadn’t waited for him to arrive.  She spent too much time here as it was.  He wished he could do more, relieve her of more of this responsibility, but he was already doing the best that he could–there was so much to balance these days, so many things to take care of.  

Arriving at the hospital room, he paused in the doorway.  Trina, one of the nurses on his dad’s unit, was there recording his father’s vitals.  She glanced at him and smiled before turning back to his chart.  “Well look at you today, Rafael!” she exclaimed.  “You look like an actual, real lawyer in that suit.  Your dad would be proud.”

“I don’t know about that,” he chuckled, stepping into the room.  “He’d hate the fact my tie has these flowers; he’d definitely think it was too feminine.” That tie had cost him more than his first suit, and he loved it. Odd, he thought to himself. He didn’t recall wearing anything here before  that his dad would find offensive.  He must’ve come straight from work in Manhattan and not had a chance to change yet.  “How’s he doing today?”

Trina let out a sigh.  “Same.”  She closed the chart, then picked it up and hugged it to her chest.  “Have you given any more thought to all of this?  I know it’s hard–”

He was already shaking his head.  “I’ve thought about it off and on for years, Trina.  How you were right.  How I should have listened.  How young and stupid I was.”

“I know you believe that,” she said, stepping closer to him.  “Rafael, you know how I feel about this, how awful it is that this landed on the shoulders of a twenty-year old young man.  My own son is your age, and I would never want him to have to make a decision like this about one of his parents.  That being said, honey…you did what you thought was right at the time.  You were torn, trying to be a good Catholic, a good son to your mother, a responsible young man to your father.”  She put a hand on his arm.  “You’ve learned more as you’ve grown older, just like we all do.  And if I had to hazard a guess, your dad crossed his bridge to wherever he was supposed to be a long time ago. That means the only person still being tortured by this decision is you. You’re the only one still hanging out here.”  Giving him a kind smile, she headed toward the door.  “I’ve got to finish my rounds now, and you need to stop visiting hospitals!  Don’t you have better things to do now?”  

He smiled.  “Yeah, I guess maybe I do.  Hey Trina?”

She stopped.  “Hmm?”

“You know whether that baby made it? Drew? The one I–”

“Like there was ever any doubt about that!” Trina interrupted, laughing aloud. “He just brings so much joy with him! They can’t slow that kid down.  Chasing dogs, picking flowers, singing along to every kid’s song there ever was…you’re a good egg, Rafael.  Remember that…and stop hanging out at the hospital so much, okay?  It’s unhealthy.”

“Okay,” he agreed, a soft smile on his face as he watched her hurry down the hall to the next room.

Eyelids fluttering open, Rafael found himself in unfamiliar darkness.  It took a moment to realize where he was, and that Sonny was sleeping next to him; soft, rhythmic breathing that comforted him just by its sound. He could feel the soft whish, whish of Sonny’s breath tickling his earlobe. One hand rested on his belly, and one of Sonny’s knees was lodged between his thighs.

Smiling to himself, he snuggled deeper into Sonny’s arms and closed his eyes.

*

“Is that everything?” Sonny asked, setting Rafael’s large suitcase by the door.

He nodded.  “Yeah, I think it is.”

They both took a minute standing by the door, hands on hips, looking around the room.  Rafael tried to focus on anything he might be missing, but it was hard when he knew that all he’d really be missing was Sonny.

Sonny’s work shift didn’t start until later in the afternoon, so they’d spent every minute together  since waking up.  They showered, taking the time to bring each other to orgasm while bathing.  After, they dressed, then headed to an outdoor restaurant for brunch before going back to Rafael’s room.  They’d been there since, talking and packing and trying to prepare themselves for the separation that was inevitably arriving at two.

“You’ll call me when you get back, right?” Sonny asked, and Rafael could see the anxiety in those ice blue eyes that the other man was trying to ignore.

He smiled, then stepped forward and easily wrapped his arms around Sonny’s waist.  “Of course I will.  I’ll text you when I land, and then I’ll call you tonight, just like we talked about.  Eight o’clock.  And you know you can call me anytime, too, right?”

Sonny gave a firm nod.  “Yeah, of course.”  He pressed a gentle kiss to Rafael’s forehead, then let out a shaky sigh.  “It’s only three weeks.  You’re gonna help me with any questions I have on that application too, right?”

“Absolutely.”  Their eyes were focused on one another.  “I don’t know if I ever told you, but your eyes are so incredibly lovely.  I’m not sure I’ve ever seen anything so lovely before.”

Sonny huffed a soft laugh.  “That’s how I feel about your ass.”

They both burst into laughter then, laughing until it resolved into another moment of quiet.

“I hate this,” Sonny said.  “I don’t want to say goodbye.”

“Then don’t,” Rafael told him, stroking his cheek with a thumb.  “Say ‘see you in three weeks, Rafi.  Love you!’, because that’s what’s gonna happen, right?  First thing I’m doing when I get home is moving my suits into the guest room closet so you’ll have half a closet for whatever you need.”

Sonny’s eyebrows arched.  “You have enough suits to fill half of your closet?” he asked incredulously.  “How small is your closet?”

Rafael chuckled a bit self-consciously.  “It’s a walk-in…look, there was a time my suits were very important to me, okay?”

Sonny’s face relaxed slightly.  “I’m so flattered.  I’m more important than the suits!”

Cupping Sonny’s face in his hands, Rafael gazed lovingly at him.  “You’re more important than everything.  I love you, and I can’t wait to spend my life showing you that.”

Sonny bent down and kissed him.  It was slow and sweet; neither of them wanted to let go.  They were still in one another’s arms when a knock sounded at the door.

Separating, Rafael went to the door and opened it, greeting the bellman.  “Bags are ready, right here,” he directed the man, who quickly loaded them onto his cart.  “Can I meet you downstairs in just a moment?” Rafael asked, and the bellman agreed, then left the room.  Rafael closed the door behind him.

“I guess this is it, for now.”  Sonny was next to him, forcing a smile despite the tears in his eyes.  He ran his hands up and down Rafael’s arms slowly, as though trying to memorize him.  Rafael closed his eyes, praying that Sonny would know exactly how he felt. 

Soft lips brushed against his.  Rafael reached around his lover and pulled him closer, wishing he could jump three weeks into the future.  When they finally separated, their foreheads came to rest against one another’s.  “I love you, Sonny,” he murmured.  “I’ll be counting the days, the minutes, until I see you again.”

“Me too,” Sonny rasped.  Tears were streaming down the man’s face, as he tried to catch a breath.  Rafael pulled away gently and grabbed a few tissues.

“Here, baby.”  He wiped Sonny’s tears, then handed him the tissues.  “Will you ride down with me?”

Sonny nodded, and Rafael grabbed his messenger bag before leaving the room.  Once in the elevator, he pressed the button, and Sonny’s fingers tangled with his.  “How do you say it?” he asked.  “In Spanish, I mean.”

“Te amo,” Rafael told him, knowing exactly what the question was.  It was the only one that made sense.  Rafael’s own heart was aching with it.  

Sonny nodded.  The doors opened, and they headed toward the bellman supervising the luggage outside of the shuttle.  Rafael turned to Sonny one more time.  “Three weeks,” he said quietly, with a nod.  

Sonny nodded back.  “Three weeks.  Text me when you land.”

Rafael nodded, then quickly pressed one last kiss to Sonny’s lips.  With a final smile, he climbed the steps of the shuttle bus.

“Rafi,” he heard behind him, and turned to meet Sonny’s eyes one more time.  His lover was forcing another smile, his eyes welling with tears.  “Te amo,” he said quietly, but it was loud enough.  Rafael heard him. In fact, he couldn’t have missed it.

He boarded the shuttle, forcing his feet forward one step at a time. Taking a seat, he adjusted his messenger bag and pulled out the novel again so he would hopefully read instead of cry when they left in a moment.  The memories of Friday, of Sonny and Margo and the bookstore, filled his mind. He wasn’t the same man who had boarded this shuttle a week before, and he would never be the same again.  He’d basked in a deep, passionate love, and he would always have that with him, no matter what. Aching, he watched out the window, a hand pressed against it.  He met Sonny’s gaze until the shuttle finally pulled away, and his view of happiness, of his heart, disappeared.

*

“Oh my good lord Jesus Christ,” the woman in front of him was muttering for the eighteenth  time.  “Connor!  Get over here!”

They’d been waiting in the line to check in for over an hour, and Rafael was miserable.  He’d had an entire hour to think about Sonny and the time they’d have apart, and with every minute, he liked it even less.  There was nothing waiting for him in New York.  No job, no job prospects that needed attending to right away.  He was returning to the same place he’d run from, the same place that stirred his depression and anxiety to life.  The more he thought about it, the more he could already feel the depression starting to descend on him, like a heavy gray cloud. 

Irritability was the first way it made itself known, and Rafael could literally feel himself frowning.  It’s bad enough to have to leave Sonny behind.  Why the hell am I in this ridiculous line? It’s not like I have to push through to BE anywhere right now…no trials to prosecute, no meetings to attend…I don’t even have a lunch with anyone planned.  What the hell am I doing, anyway?

“Connor!” he heard again.  “Stop goofing off!  Life is too short for me to lose time having to repeat myself!”

Life IS too short, he thought, looking around him again.  I have nothing calling me home for the next three weeks.  Why am I here exactly?  I could be spending this time with Sonny–helping him apply to Fordham, helping him pack…helping with anything he needs.  I wonder if watching him windsurf counts as helping, because I could watch that man all day.  The way he moves…get it together, Barba! You’re in public! God, I just want to go back…just want to hold him again.  I want to help make this move easier for him.  He’s giving up so much for me. Is it really right for me to leave him all this time to do it alone?  I know he can, but should he have to?  Is that really responsible?

Then, you know, the airline is obviously very busy today…would  it be more responsible to leave this line and come back another day…say, in three weeks?

He chuckled at himself, shaking his head.  He knew he was somewhat living in fantasy; wanting to rebook his flight was understandable but certainly not responsible.  It was nearly impossible to convince himself that it was what he was supposed to do, no matter how much he wanted it. While he didn’t have any scheduled appointments, he still had to complete the tasks they’d planned so the apartment would be ready for Sonny.  He still needed to see his mom, call his friends, begin looking for another job. It’s not like the universe had sent him a sign.  

No, he was just in a long-ass line at a busy-ass airport with a bunch of grumpy-ass people.  

As he was mulling it over, his attention was caught by a kid–he assumed it was Connor–who danced over to the woman in front of him. He’d pulled his sunglasses over his eyes and his blonde hair was spiked upward. Although the music was only playing for the boy through his headphones, Rafael assumed, from the odd little jump-leap-spin combos, he was attempting some kind of kiddie hip-hop.

In the middle of the long-ass line, at the busy-ass airport. 

Spinning in front of Rafael, he came to an abrupt halt and shoved his hand out, just short of Rafael’s chest.  “STOP! Collaborate and listen!” Connor baby-rapped as Rafael felt his eyes widen.  “Ice is back with his brand new invention–”

WHAT in the actual fuck–

“Somethin’! Grabs aholda me tightly!” Connor continued, as Rafael’s eyes grew wider.  “Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly.  WILL IT EVA STOP? YO! I dunno–” Connor froze as Rafael’s hand gripped the boy’s wrist.

“Thank you,” he breathed, bending to Connor’s level.  “Thank you!”  Looking at the kid’s mother, he grinned.  “Thank you too!  I’ve gotta go.  There’s somewhere I need to be!”

The woman’s mouth dropped open as she watched Rafael quickly wrestle his luggage out of the line and toward the exit. Catching her son by his sleeve, she snapped,  “Connor!  Did you scare that poor man away?  He’s going to lose his seat!”

*

It only occurred to Rafael once he was almost to Sonny’s apartment that he hadn’t run any of this plan by his lover.  It was possible that, despite his tears, Sonny really needed these last three weeks by himself.  Maybe he needed the time alone to wrap things up, to say goodbye to people Rafael didn’t know, maybe people he didn’t even know about.   Maybe Sonny wouldn’t want to put him up for three weeks.  Maybe that would be too much.  His studio was small; he’d even said it was tight for just himself.  Maybe this wasn’t the best idea he’d ever had.

Maybe this was even a bad idea.

As he stood outside of Sonny’s door, biting his bottom lip and trying to decide how to explain, he heard his name and spun around.

“Rafi?” Sonny was looking at him as though he weren’t real.  “What are you doing here?  Did you miss your flight?”

“Not exactly.”  Looking at his watch, he corrected himself.  “Well, technically, by now, yes I have missed it,” he said.  “I was waiting in this godforsaken line for an hour to check in, and somebody said something about life being short, and I thought about how right they were.”  He took a step forward, a nervous smile on his face.  “I realized I don’t have any commitments over the next three weeks, so in a way, it was kind of silly for us to be apart if we didn’t need to be.  I mean, unless you want me to go.  I know how small your place is, and I know–”

“It’s three weeks,” Sonny repeated, stepping toward him.  “Just three weeks.”

“Yeah, that’s what I thought too,” Rafael agreed.  “And I thought if I was here, I could help you apply to Fordham easier, and–”

“You could help me pack.  I mean, I could sort at night, then you could pack the next day,” Sonny thought out loud.  “Plus, you’ll know if there’s anything you have at home that I won’t need.”

Home. It had slipped out without Sonny even realizing it, and God, did it sound really good.

Rafael felt as though his face was getting stretch marks from his smile.  “I can pack anything you want me to,” he affirmed.  “I can take things to be donated where they belong.  Help with whatever you need.”

“With whatever,” Sonny echoed.  “Have I ever told you what a beautiful smile you have?  It takes my breath away, truly.”

Reaching for Sonny’s face, Rafael pulled him closer for a kiss.  Once they separated, he asked, “So you’re sure it’s okay if I stay with you until you head back to the States?”

“If you’re sure it’s okay if I stay with you once we’re in the States,” Sonny replied, wrapping an arm around Rafael’s shoulder as they headed inside the apartment.

Chapter Text

“Mom! Ma!” Gina shouted, waving a hand to urge her mother to move to the left. “Scoot over!  We can’t see him with you there!”

“Yeah Mom!” Bella called, grinning.  “You’re not the star of this show!”

“Watch it, girls!” Serafina Carisi pointed at each daughter.  “I’m still the one who gave you life.  Act like it!” Sonny’s oldest sister, Teresa, stepped out of the group and assisted until her brother, in all his graduation regalia, was the focus of their photo.  With parents, siblings, aunts and uncles, and cousins and kids, it only took another seven minutes, the sisters providing colorful commentary all the while.

Rafael bit back the chuckle coming from his gut.  Sonny’s sisters never failed to get him laughing, usually to his own detriment. Still, he tried to stay in his place next to his partner and follow all directions.  “Okay now!” Gina continued. “Everyone think of the degree and not the bill! CHEESE!”

Glancing at all of Sonny’s family beaming nearly as brightly as his partner, Rafael let his own smile shine.  It was something that had become increasingly easier over the last five years.  Life with Sonny always proved to be something worth smiling about.

Once they finished with the photos, everyone left the graduation ceremony and met at a small Italian restaurant near Sonny and Rafael’s condo to celebrate.  They’d paid for a delicious spread of antipasti, salads, pastas, and the like, along with an open bar and a dessert table.  Rafael had recently helped the owners’ friends with their immigration, and the owners were very excited to pay back the favor.

“I told them not to go overboard,” Rafael murmured when he heard Sonny suck in his breath at the lavish spread.

“And they know our budget, right?” Sonny asked.

“Paid in full,” Rafael assured him, as he accepted two glasses of champagne from a nearby server, passing one to Sonny.  “Just make sure to give a sincere thanks and flash your million-watt smile.”

“Got it.”  Sonny took a sip of champagne, then turned and smiled at his partner.  “Thank you for this,” he said warmly, squeezing Rafael’s arm.  “Thank you for everything.  Follow me for a minute?”

Rafael did just that, letting Sonny lead him past friends and family eating, dancing, and happily socializing.  They went down a side hallway, past the restrooms, around a corner, where Sonny opened a door, and ushered Rafael into darkness.  “Where are we?” he asked, as Sonny tugged on a string hanging from the ceiling.  A small light came on, and Rafael watched his partner smile as he locked them in.  

They were in what appeared to be a supply closet, large enough for them to stand comfortably. “I know it’s not fancy in here, but I just couldn’t wait any more,” Sonny whispered, and Rafael’s heart began to race.  Fuck, he found himself thinking, heart beating even faster. Knowing them, he was pretty sure what was coming next. Is he gonna blow me in here with our families down the hall?  He can’t be planning to blow me with his own ma a few yards away! I’m all for kinky, but this may be a bit much, even for us, he found himself thinking.  He was about to open his mouth, but Sonny beat him to it.

“I wanna show you just how much I love you, Rafi….how perfect you are for me,” Sonny whispered, and Rafael felt his eyes widen.  “Five years and we have everything we’ve wanted–you and Rita have a small, successful firm that you’re letting me join, I’ve got my degree, and we’ve got our tiny place in Curacao.  My life has been a fairytale since I met you, Rafael.”  Gently, he leaned forward, kissing his lover, before lowering himself as he fumbled with the waistband of his pants.

“Sonny–” Rafael gasped, but froze when he saw his partner settle himself on one knee, pulling a small box from his pants pocket.  He opened the box, smiling at its contents, before turning it toward Rafael and settling his gaze tenderly on the other man.  

“Rafael, I love you with my entire heart,” he said quietly, voice full of emotion. “Would you do me the honor of becoming my husband?”

Rafael felt his eyes well with tears.  “Yes, Sonny, yes,” he rasped, voice rough.  “A million times yes.  I love you, Dominick.  Yes.” 

Nervous laughter filled the room. Shakily, Sonny stood and managed to slide the ring on Rafael’s finger.  Cupping his fiance’s face in his hands, Sonny kissed him deeply.  “Te amo, mi Rafi,” Sonny breathed between their lips.  “I love you more than I love myself, and I always will.” He rested his forehead against Rafael’s, closing his eyes.

“Te amo, mi soleado,” Rafael replied. Breathing Sonny in, he kissed him again.

Chapter Text

“Ariadne!” he heard from his spot in the kitchen.  He’d been finishing up the dishes from lunch, while Margo rested on the deck. Now he heard a scrape from the bench at their dining table as Ariadne climbed down. 

“Mama’s tallin’ me,” she told him, pointing to the deck.  “I’ll be wight back, tay, Papi?”  At his nod, her little feet pattered past him, out through the open french doors, to her mother.

Rafael leaned over the counter to watch the exchange, an affectionate smile on his face. “Honey, you forgot your armadillo,” Margo told the little girl.  Picking up the stuffed animal, she handed it to her daughter..  

“Fanks, Mama!” Ariadne said, using one pudgy hand to shove her blonde curls out of her ice-blue eyes. Then the three-year old was off again, her little feet pitter pattering their way back inside. “Hey Papi, Mama finded Army!  I tan take my nap now!”

Rafael bent down with a grin and scooped the little girl up.  “Well thank goodness!” he exclaimed, giving an impulsive kiss to Ariadne’s cheek.  “Who knows what Army might’ve gotten into if Mama didn’t find him?”  

“Yeah, who knows?” the little girl echoed. Giving Margo a wink, he carried Ariadne to her room, settling her down for her nap.

Once their daughter had quieted down, Rafael grabbed the drink he’d made for Margo, along with his own mug, and joined her on the deck.  It was beginning to get a bit chilly, but she seemed comfortable.  Sonny had draped her favorite throw blanket over her earlier, covering her impressively pregnant belly.  Grinning, Rafael pressed a kiss to her cheek, taking the lounge chair next to hers and handing her the drink.

“Thank you, baby,” she told him, smiling, and he leaned over to kiss her again.  If he’d learned nothing else from his time with Sonny, then Margo, and then little Ariadne, it was to enjoy every moment as it came.

“You’re welcome,” he replied, landing another gentle kiss on her belly.  “How’s our baby today?”

She smiled, warm and lovely, and it made his insides flutter.  “Happy, I’m fairly certain,” she said. “Wiggly, too.  Definitely wiggly.  Feel?”  She took his hand and lay it on the side of her belly, and Rafael felt the soft, slight movements of their son.

When he skipped his flight seven years ago, he’d had every intention of returning to Manhattan.  But in the three weeks between his original departure date and the date Sonny was going to fly out, something happened.  One morning, while watching the sun rise over the water, Sonny had quietly hummed, and Rafael had turned to him.  “What, honey?” he asked.  “What are you thinking?”

Sonny’s lovely smile appeared.  “Just how wonderful Curacao is…I’m glad we can visit.” Glancing at his lover, he asked, “We are going to visit, aren’t we?”

“Of course!” Rafael assured him.  But that day, he began to ask himself, what if we never left?  Could we stay here, where we’re happy?  Would we be happy if we visited New York, and made Curacao our home?   

So both men began to talk about the possibility of staying in Curacao.  They talked about their financial obligations, and their assets.  They looked at real estate in the area, and realized that yes, if they pooled their funds and behaved responsibly, they definitely could make a life on the island.  So they did. 

Meanwhile, Margo Black had grown weary of the flashy author’s life–traveling several weeks of the year, sitting behind a bunch of shitty IKEA tables and pretending to be as enamoured with her work as brand new readers were.  Hell, how many times could one person read about that prick Maric before losing one’s sanity?  She needed a break.  She wanted happiness, and to feel as though she mattered to someone.  When she thought about it, her conversation with two men in Curacao sprang to her mind.  Two handsome men, one seemingly slightly lost and the other seemingly slightly blonde, despite his silver hair.  

So when her agent showed up the next day to talk to her about her next novel, Margo had sighed.  “Not you too!  I don’t need this pressure!  Writing used to be fun; it used to be enjoyable.  I want to look forward to things in life, not dread them…if the publishing house doesn’t back off, I’m never going to be inspired to write again!”

“You need a vacation,” her agent Zoe told her. “Somewhere you can regroup.  Somewhere you can feel like you again–”

Margo snapped her fingers.  “I need you to find where Rafael Barba is living now–you remember, the lawyer I told you about from New York?  Find where he and his boy toy ended up.  They should be in Manhattan, but I think the pretty one…um, Sonny, maybe? He–”

“His name was Sonny?” Zoe asked, arching a brow.

Margo sighed again.  “If you saw him, you’d completely understand.  Just find them.”

Two years after they’d first met in a Willemstead bookstore, Rafael and Sonny welcomed Margo into their newly purchased condo on the beach for margaritas and… conversation .

Margo never left, and Ariadne joined them fourteen months later.

They never had the baby’s paternity tested.  They didn’t need to.

Now, the three of them shared a beautiful three-bedroom upstairs duplex on the beach just outside of Willemstead.  Margo was writing another book, her fourth now; Sonny and Rafael ran a small water sports business where Sonny gave the lessons and Rafael took care of the business side.  The three of them shared a roomy master suite, equipped with a California King bed.  They recently converted Ariadne’s rather large bedroom into two smaller ones, so the baby would have his own space.  Finally, the last bedroom served as a shrine for whoever needed it.  Need a break from testosterone? Take it in the extra bedroom.  Need to focus on the business’ financials?  Go work on your laptop in the extra bedroom.  Need a nap where nobody will bother you?  The extra bedroom is the perfect place.

As Rafi and Margo enjoyed their drinks, the water from the outside shower came on, and a moment later, they both were being treated to an outdoor concert–Staten Island style.  “Why do birds suddenly appear…every time…I am near?” Sonny sang exuberantly and off-key, as his lovers groaned upstairs.

Rafael got up and hurried to the side of the railing above the shower.  “Hey Karen Carpenter!” he hissed loudly.  “Your baby’s asleep!  Keep your squawking to a minimum!”

Sonny waved him off, but quieted down and quickly finished his shower.  A minute later, he entered the condo and went to their bedroom.  When he emerged, he was in a comfortable pair of sweats and an old tee-shirt. He peeked in on Ariadne, then headed out to the deck, grabbing a beer on the way. 

He pressed a soft kiss to Margo’s lips, before stopping at Rafael, cupping his cheek, and kissing him tenderly.  “I love you guys,” he sighed as he carefully joined Rafael’s lounge chair. “Even if you are jealous of my musical ability.”

Margo let out a snort as Rafael barked a laugh, then the three grew quiet again.

 “Water’s beautiful today,” Sonny remarked.

“That it is,” Rafael agreed as Margo hummed.   

They lay together, comfortable and peaceful, as the waves lapped at the shore.  Rafael thought about how this was the chorus of which Margo had told him of; the richer complexity he’d one day experience.  He’d lived through the bridge, and he wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Margo’s fingers gently weaved between his, and he squeezed her hand.  As his eyes met Sonny’s he smiled, and pecked a kiss to his nose.  He was home, and so were they, together.