Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The air was stagnant, heavy and hot despite how hard the sun seemed to be beating down. Lance wiped the sweat from his brow. Everything was calm and quiet, except for the cicadas of course. It was peaceful, the perfect day. The kind that he loved. 

A sigh escaped him as he surveyed the vast, empty countryside. The way the green hills rolled off into the horizon. The distant buildings that dotted the land. The lush trees that encompassed them. He really was grateful to be home. Lance decided he’d best head inside for lunch. Usually getting sentimental meant he needed a break. 

“Baby,” His mother greeted as he came inside, “You’re drinking lots of water right? It’s scorching out there…” 

She had been so relieved when he’d returned home the first time. His whole family had, but she’d been devastated when he went missing. She thought she’d lost a child. Ever since he returned for good, she had a habit of babying him. Lance didn’t mind so much, he’d gotten used to it over the course of the last three years. 

“I am, don’t worry mom,” he replied, opening the fridge. 

While he rummaged around, unsure of what he was hungry for, if he was even hungry in the first place, there was a knock on the door. 

“I got it,” his mom said, leaving what she was doing. 

Lance listened in as she got to the door. He heard it open, and immediately heard his mother’s voice go up an octave at the pleasure of seeing whoever was there. 

“Oh! What a surprise! How are you doing? It's been so long!” She gushed, Lance couldn’t hear the second person, but his curiosity was piqued. 

Shutting the fridge, he made his way out of the kitchen and into the foyer. 

“Oh honey, why don’t you come inside, I’ll get you something to drink,” His mom offered just as Lance entered the room. 

And in stepped Keith Kogane. Lance paused in slight shock. 

“Holy shit– Keith!” He blurted out, 

“Lance!” His mom scolded,

“Sorry,” 

“Hey man,” Keith said warmly, as he put down his bag. He approached Lance with his arms open. Lance chuckled awkwardly and hugged him, wondering how long it had been since they’d seen each other last. It would have been the last dinner the paladins had together. Lance couldn’t help but think about their days as teens, and note how much Keith had grown. They were nearly the same height, Keith had surpassed him by an inch even. He supposed Keith got that from his mother. 

 “What the heck are you doing here? Last I heard you and the blades were in the Cerulean Quadrant,” 

“We were, but things are quiet there right now… finally,” 

“So… you came back? You gonna visit Shiro?” 

Keith shrugged, “Uh… yeah– something like that,” 

“Why don’t you boys come sit down?” Lance’s mom interjected, “I’ll get you something to drink,” 

“Thank you Mrs. McClain,” Keith said politely, as he took a seat at the kitchen table, Lance followed.  

Lance’s mother placed down a glass in front of each of them, and then took her leave, giving them room to catch up. 

“So, space? Is it still spacious?” 

Keith snorted, “Yes, Lance, space is still spacious– I’ve spent enough time out there in fact, so I want to hear a little more about Earth,” 

Lance played with his cup, “Hm, well, the weather is good mostly, the traffic blows,” 

Keith chuckled, “Lance– I wanna hear about you ,” 

“Ugh,” Lance grimaced, “fine– but I really haven’t been doing anything amazing. Just… helping my family out with the farm, same as always,” 

He looked up, Keith was watching him expectantly, so Lance continued, “I get up at the crack of dawn these days– It can be a lot of work, especially with my folks getting older. I just try to do as much as I can so they can relax a little more,” 

“But you enjoy it? The work?” 

“...Yeah. It’s peaceful. It’s predicable,” 

“Well, I’m glad you’re doing something that makes you happy, you deserve that after everything,” Keith said, 

“Right…” Lance sighed, taking a sip of the lemonade his mother had brought them. There was silence for a second. 

“Do you got somewhere to stay?” He asked, just then thinking of it. Keith had shown up so suddenly.

“Uh–” Keith twiddled his hair sheepishly, “Sorta– I was just gonna crash at Shiro’s but… I actually came pretty last minute and so he doesn’t know I’m here yet,” 

“You planning on surprising him like you did me?” Lance chuckled,

Keith smiled, shrugging, “Honestly this was as last minute for me as it was for you,”

“You could just stay here, we got plenty of space, there’s a guest room you can take– and you can stay as long as you want– my mom loves you,” Lance offered, expecting Keith to refuse the offer. To give his thanks, but say he was only stopping in before making the trip out to see Shiro. 

“That would be great, thank you,” Keith said, smiling. 

“Y-yeah, want to bring your stuff and I’ll show you your room?” 

“Yeah, let me just go grab it, left it by the door,” 

“Sure” Lance nodded as he stood from the table, and waited for Keith to come back with his stuff. He returned with only a backpack. A large one. Lance chuckled.

“What?” Keith asked innocently, 

“It’s just so like you to travel through space and return here with nothing but a backpack,” 

“Whatever,” Keith retorted playfully, 

The guest room was on the second floor, just down the hall from Lance’s. It was small, the bed was a double, neatly made. The window overlooked the rear side of the property. Keith dropped his bag at the foot of the bed, 

“Thanks, man,” He said, 

“Oh– just be careful with the door– unless you lock it, it tends to slip open,” 

“Alright, no problem,” Keith shrugged,

They spent the rest of that day uneventfully. Lance understandably had to finish his work. 

“Can I help out?” Keith asked, 

“Um… sure,” Lance shrugged, “It’s kind of boring though… tedious work,” 

Keith shrugged, “I don’t mind– It’s not like the stuff I do is always– or even usually– interesting,” 

“Well then… since you’re here, why don’t you help me move all this wood and stuff,” Lance asked gesturing to a pile of chopped up wood and debris, “This old tree fell during a storm not too long ago, finally got to cutting it up the other day– my dad and I were going to move it together tomorrow but I know that’d kill his back– I think you and I would have no problem 

though,” 

“Of course– no problem,” Keith replied, 

Despite the menial, tedious work, Lance enjoyed having his company though. It was more fun to do this when he could talk to Keith, joke with him, even just working in silence was enough. When Lance needed to move some. 

“You know–” Keith grunted as he lifted a particularly large segment of the trunk, Lance moved to help him, “This really isn’t all that different from what me and the Blades do,” 

“Really? You move fallen trees?” 

“Not necessarily trees– but sort of, yeah– some of the planets we go to are more beat up than others. There were a lot of days where all we did was dig through rubble, It was especially bad a few years ago, right after the empire fell,” 

“Right… that makes sense,” Lance sighed, picking up some branches, “What about now? You made time to come back so… it’s better?” 

Keith nodded, “It’ll never be a perfect universe… but yeah, “I’m just glad I could finally visit,” 

“Me too,” Lance said,  

Guilt nagged at him then. He didn’t actually know the last time he’d even sent a message to Keith was. Months ago? More? Lance tried not to think too hard on it, there wasn’t anything he could do to change the past. He just wanted to finish moving this damn tree. 

The sun was nearly below the horizon when they finished transporting the debris.  They were both sweaty, dirty, and starving. There was plenty to eat for dinner. His mom made extra since Keith had arrived earlier in the day. Lucky she did, because that man ate enough for an army. 

“Jeez, no wonder you got so big,” Lance said as he looked at Keith’s plate, 

Keith looked down at himself, shrugged, and shoveled a forkful into his mouth. He also ate like he’d never see food again, no matter what the occasion. Lance smiled and shook his head, 

“Remember when we all got into that massive food fight when we first started training?” 

Keith chuckled, “How could I forget? It was the first time we actually worked as a team,” 

They continued on like that, just retelling old stories, some newer ones. Lance realized how much he missed those days. How much he missed everyone and everything. It all seemed so far away, like a dream. That boy he had been. 

“Do you ever feel like… you’re an entirely different person now than you were when you were a paladin,” Lance said suddenly, he felt like it was a silly question. Maybe it was too personal for whatever level of friendship he and Keith were on now. 

But Keith took the question seriously. Lance watched him mull it over, take a sip of his water, play with his food, and then finally let out a sigh, “Yeah. Sometimes,” 

“Do you see me differently?” Lance asked hesitantly, 

Keith’s brow twitched, “In some ways… I do. But in a lot of other ways, I don’t– You’ve grown up a lot since then– that’s true,” And when he said this, Lance noticed there was a twist of sadness in his face. 

“Lance…” Keith started, looking down, fidgeting, “Are you really happy?” 

“Of course I am,” Lance replied without hesitation, 

Keith nodded, “Alright, if that’s true, then alright, forget I asked,” 

“Why wouldn’t I be happy?” Lance asked anyway, an edge of anger to his voice. 

“Well you… completely shut off from us, when Allura died,” Keith began matter of factly “And I thought staying with your parents was good for you then, I thought maybe you needed your space– but it’s been years Lance– I know you, Or at least I thought I did– and this,  this isn’t you ,” 

“What are you saying?” Lance said defensively, “What do you think I’m above this place or something?” 

“No. Man. That’s not it– you know it's not. I just don’t think it's what you want. As nice as this place is, everything I knew you to be passionate about– I don’t see you doing any of that here,” 

“Well… I changed,” Lance shrugged,

“We all changed,” Keith retorted, there was a bite to his voice now, “But you– it is like you’re an entirely different person– The Lance I knew wouldn’t hide away from us on his farm,” 

That stung. Lance clenched his fists, but remained calm, he didn’t want this to escalate. 

“Come on Keith– you did not come all this way to fight with me,” Lance said shakily, it was clear Keith was getting under his skin, 

“No– actually I did, I didn’t just come here on a whim, I came here to see you , you idiot,” He was beginning to raise his voice,

“You– you came to see me?” Lance repeated, more quietly, actually surprised by the idea of it. 

“Yeah, you never talk to me anymore, to any of us.” Lance swallowed, his feelings of guilt returning as Keith confirmed his fears,  “I haven’t seen you, I’ve barely heard from you since the paladin dinner. It hurts , Lance,” There was real pain in his voice when he said it, “and it’s just not like you at all. ” 

“I’m sorry” Lance said quietly, “I guess… I was… I was selfish,”  

“Damn right,” Keith said, clearing his throat as he composed himself, “So what’s your reason? Something must be bothering you? Is it–”

“It’s not Allura, not anymore,” Lance interjected before Keith had the chance to say it, that much was true. He had grieved her for a long time. He would always grieve her to an extent, but she was gone, and he accepted that. 

“So something is wrong?” Keith asked, 

“Ugh– I… I don’t know, I am happy, I love my parents, I love their farm,” 

“But?”

Lance was quiet, unsure of how to respond. Truthfully, Keith wasn’t wrong. He wasn’t unhappy so to speak. But to even say he was content would be untrue. 

“I’m sorry for disappearing on you,” Lance said again lamely, “I am happy– but that was messed up of me,” 

Keith sighed, conceding,  “That’s okay– I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have snapped–” 

“So what about you?” Lance said, changing the subject, “Are you happy? Isn’t it stressful what you're doing?” 

“Happy? Yeah I’m happy more or less,” 

“More or less?”

“I like helping people,” Keith explained, “Sure it can be stressful, it's not easy, but it's worth it. I can’t think of anything else I’d rather do right now. But nothing's perfect, it’s lonely sometimes,” 

“Yeah, lonely, I get that,” Lance sighed, 

“That’s kind of why I came to Earth,” Keith shrugged, 

“I thought it was to fight with me,” 

Keith scoffed, “Well, yes, that’s a part of it– I’ve been trying to say I missed you, Lance,” 

“Well–” Lance’s face warmed, and he awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck, “I missed you too buddy– I’m sure Shiro is gonna be super psyched to see you too,” 

“Yeah, I’m sure he is,” Keith replied flatly, “We should all get back together again, you, me, and everyone. It’s been ages ,” 

“That would be great,” Lance said thoughtfully. The idea of seeing everyone again made him a little nervous, but excited too, 

The rest of dinner went by mundanely. And after, Lance showed Keith to the bathroom so that he could shower away the day’s grime off him. Lance waited patiently for him to finish, and gave him his privacy before taking his turn. 

The other former paladin’s words sat in his stomach like stones. The break he had needed after Allura’s death was necessary. But now? Now he had no idea what he was doing. He felt lost and empty. Just like Keith had claimed he had nothing on Earth to keep him there when he’d decided to stay in space, Lance felt that he had nothing waiting for him off this farm. There was no one out there awaiting him. 

Lance finished his shower and dried off, he wrapped a towel around his waist and made his way to his room, he was still lost in thought when Keith popped out of the guest room, 

For a moment, Keith paused, and his eyes drifted down, then slowly back up to Lance’s face, 

“I was just wondering if you got any pain meds– I just have a bit of a headache,” he said evenly, 

“Oh, sure, they’re in the bathroom– under the sink, the second drawer down. Give me a sec to get dressed and I’ll find them for you if you want,” 

“I got it, thanks though,” Keith said, 

“Alright, well, if you need anything, you know where to find me, I’m probably going to bed though… I am beat,” 

“Me too,” Keith chuckled, “I uh… I’m gonna go get those meds,” 

And with that, Keith awkwardly slipped past Lance. Lance shrugged, brushing off the awkward interaction as curiosity. And continued into his room, throwing on some shorts, and immediately flopping into bed. His guest hung in his mind. All the things Keith said that day. The ways in which he had changed. 

It amazed Lance how much Keith had grown. Not just physically, but mentally. He’d changed so much from that angry teenager he despised so much in school. He was so mature, and confident now. So well put together. And somehow, despite having barely seen him in years, he seemed to know Lance better than Lance knew himself. 

Lance wondered about how much he had changed himself. Keith had changed for the better. Did Lance? Keith still remained who he always was at his core, his selflessness, his passion, the things he loved, the people. He still had a temper, too, though it wasn’t the same as before, he was in charge of himself. What was at Lance’s core? Had he changed too much of himself? Forgotten too much?

Chapter Text

That evening Keith turned in earlier than usual. Lance imagined that the “jet lag” he was experiencing was probably finally weighing on him. For the past few nights since Keith arrived, Lance would get up in the night for something, the bathroom or a glass of water. It seemed like every time the lights in the guest room were on. 

On the other hand, he had been sleeping well the last several days. Often he relied on working hard enough that by the time he got to bed, he’d fall asleep as soon as his head hit the pillows. But if this wasn’t the case, which seemed to be more and more often now that he was used to doing this kind of stuff on a daily basis, he struggled to fall asleep. 

His mind seemed to turn endlessly. His brain was like a hamster on a wheel in a neglected cage. Jumping from one thought to another as he stared at his barren ceiling. Replaying old memories, usually bad ones, dreading the future. Wondering what exactly he was doing with his life. It ate away at him. He felt like he was wasting it away in this state of contentment. Could it then even be contentment? He had been too caught up with Keith to have time to think about all the usual ghosts that haunted him, but they had not gone far. 

With Keith turning in early, Lance’s mind began to turn on its axis once again. Keith had brought with him a question. He simultaneously managed to make Lance feel good about this life, and afraid that he was actively doing something wrong. It wasn’t intentional. But Keith was just a good man. Through and through.Keith devoted his time to helping people. What had Lance done? Gone back to his parents farm? What good did he do? He couldn’t think of a single thing. 

Thinking of Keith like this made his heart ache. Lance could not understand what had brought him here. Why was he spending his precious time here when he could be doing anything else? Lance sat up in bed, rubbing his temples. He wasn’t even sure he was tired. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and carefully tipped down the hall. 

Quietly, he slid open the door to the patio. 

“You're up?” 

Lance nearly jumped out of his skin until he realized who else was there. Keith was sitting on the outdoor sofas\, , one knee brought up to his chest,. 

“I couldn’t fall asleep– I thought you went to bed,” Lance asked,

“I did,” Keith sighed, “I couldn’t stay asleep,” 

“Something wake you up?” 

“Just a nightmare,” 

“Oh what was it about?” 

Keith laughed awkwardly, “just… old fears, It’s fine really,”

“Well, what brings you out here?” Lance asked, changing the subject, sensing Keith didn’t want to talk about it. 

“Just looking at the stars,” Keith shrugged, looking up into the sky. 

Out there, the night sky was fairly visible on a clear day. It wasn’t the most remote place on the planet, but it was better than trying to look in the city. 

“Do you miss it up there?” Lance asked, 

“No,” Keith said easily, “Space isn’t going anywhere. Do you miss it?” 

“I miss being up there with you,” Lance admitted. He immediately felt embarrassed for saying it.

Keith let out a breathy laugh, “That’s so corny,” He turned his gaze from the sky, his eyes meeting Lance’s “But… so do I,” 

The cushions shifted beneath their shared weight as Lance took a seat next to Keith. 

“Really?” 

“I wouldn’t lie about that,” 

Keith crossed his legs, fidgeting ever so slightly to get comfortable. 

“We lost so much out there,” Lance said pensively, his gaze now trained on the night sky, 

“Is that why you quit piloting?” Keith carefully asked,

Lance let out a long drawn out sigh, “I quit because I didn’t want to be a pilot anymore,” 

“I find that hard to believe,” Keith said calmly, 

Lance scoffed, “Why are you so hellbent on questioning my life choices?” 

“You’re right, I’m sorry,” Keith relented, “let’s just… enjoy the view from here,” 

Lance said nothing as he looked up into the sky, trying to relax. Keith was coming from a place of genuine concern he reminded himself. “What I find hard to believe is how quickly everyone moved on,” Lance muttered, unable to fully rid himself of his anger.

“You think I’ve moved on?” Keith let out a breathy laugh, an edge of pain in his voice, “Everything I do is because of the past– I mean I still get nightmares and it's been years. I doubt the others are in better shape than you or I. We all just… deal with it differently,” 

Lance looked at Keith apologetically, “I guess I’m being self centered again,” 

“You’re not,” Keith insisted, “To me it just looks like you’re doing the best you can,” 

“Things back then… despite everything , somehow… for at least a little while, things were so simple,” Lance thought out loud.

“You mean back when we hated eachother?,” Keith asked, a teasing smile painted on his lips. 

“Hey– we bonded, eventually,” Lance argued back, 

For a moment there was only the sound of chirping bugs and nocturnal life before Keith chuckled wistfully. 

“What?” 

“It’s nothing–” Keith shook his head as he shifted on the sofa. 

“Damn, I’m just gonna have to assume you’re laughing at me then,” Lance sighed dramatically, 

“Dude I’m not laughing at you– It’s embarrassing , I can’t tell you,”

“Oh come on now you have to tell me, you can’t chuckle, tell me it's embarrassing, and expect me not to beg you for answers!” 

Keith looked at him scrutinously for a long moment. His eyes moving back and forth between Lance’s, “I had always planned to take this to my grave but… I guess we are way past that,” Keith finally conceded, running a nervous hand through his hair, “When we were paladins I might have… I might have had a bit of a crush on you,”

The wiring of Lance’s brain short circuited at that moment. 

“What?” 

“You heard me– I am not repeating that shit,” Keith said, rubbing his face, the tips of his ears taking on a deep red hue. 

“I had no idea…” Lance said, still flabbergasted, 

“Well, I was putting in a lot of effort for you to have no idea,” 

“Why?” 

“Dude, you were all over Allura– you were practically infatuated, even if you weren’t, it’s not like you’re into guys anyways – I knew I didn’t stand a chance, there was no reason to tell you, I honestly don’t know why I’m telling you now either. It was a long time ago,” 

“Right…” Lance trailed off, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. 

“This… doesn’t make things weird between us– does it?” Keith asked nervously, “Like I said… that was a long time ago,” 

“Hm? Oh! No– no it’s cool, I was just… so surprised because I didn’t even know you swung that way…” Lance trailed off because he wasn’t actually sure, 

“It just never came up,” 

“I see,” Lance said thoughtfully, 

“Are you sure it doesn’t bother you?” Keith asked nervously, 

“Of course I’m sure. I… don’t care about that sort of thing,” 

A few moments passed where neither spoke. Finally just taking in the beauty of the night. But Lance’s mind was not on the stars above, rather his thoughts were stuck on the man next to him. Crush .

“It’s getting pretty late, we should turn in,” Lance said, clearing his throat, 

Keith nodded, “Yeah,” 

They both headed inside, Lance held the door for Keith, letting him go ahead of him. Even though he had said it was getting late, he didn’t feel at all soothed internally. Sleep likely wouldn’t come for him for a while longer. He had much to think about. The revelations of that night were causing loose pieces to fall into place. Things that hadn’t made sense before were now contextualized for him. 

“Something wrong?” Lance asked as Keith paused outside of the guest room.

Keith shook his head, “It’s… nothing, goodnight Lance,” 

“Goodnight, Keith,”  

Chapter Text

“We should go to the beach,” Keith suggested as he leaned over Lance’s counter. 

“The beach?” Lance asked, 

Since Keith’s arrival, he and Lance had gotten up to very little. Lance’s parents had been kind enough to relieve him of some of his duties, enough that he had more time to spend with Keith. The only trouble then was actually finding something to do. Lance was a bit rusty in that regard.

The topics of their last few discussions hung heavy in his mind. The way Keith kept asking about his happiness, how much he seemed to care, and how much it forced Lance to think. Not to mention the revelations about how Keith had truly felt about them in their youth. It felt like someone was wrapping his chest in ropes and pulling. Crushing his ribs, lungs, and heart, all in one slow, agonizing motion. Lance did not know what to make of it. 

“You love the beach,” Keith reminded, 

“Well yeah, I guess you probably haven’t been in a long time right?” 

“Not really,” Keith shrugged, “I actually was on this planet in the Cerulean quadrant that was mostly water– you would love it– Still, nothing like Earth’s beaches,” 

“Were the cities underwater? I got marooned on a planet like that once,” Lance asked as he looked for some towels, he tossed one to Keith, 

“No, they were on land, some villages were out at sea though on the water,”

“Wait– do you even have a swimsuit on you?” Lance asked, 

“Can I borrow one?” Keith asked hopefully, 

“Of course,” Lance said and ran up to his room to dig one out. 

He didn’t admit it to Keith. But he had not actually been to the beach all summer. It was late July, so his time was running out for that. He just never got around to it. He’d just kinda been working his summer away. He changed into swim trunks before heading down. 

 “Thanks,” Keith said as Lance tossed him a pair.

Lance continued to pack a bag while Keith changed. He looked up as Keith reentered the room, he was fiddling a little with the shorts, 

“They’re a little tight,” Keith observed, 

“They look alright, so if you’re not uncomfortable, you’re alright,” Lance replied, 

Keith nodded, and helped Lance pack the rest of the stuff. 

“Don’t forget sunblock– you’re practically translucent,” 

“Shut up,” 

With that they got in Lance’s truck and headed to the beach. Keith kept his window down, allowing the warm breeze in. Lance watched as it tussled his hair. If a stranger saw this, they’d probably comment on how pissed Keith looked. But Lance had known him long enough to know he was truly content. 

“Y’know, it really is good to see you,” Lance said, he couldn’t help but smile, 

“Where’s this coming from?” Keith asked turning to look at him, his sunglasses hiding his eyes, 

“I don’t know,” Lance answered honestly, “I guess I didn’t realize how much I missed you. How much I missed doing this sort of thing… going on adventures together,” 

“Yeah? We should do it more often then,” Keith replied, as Lance pulled into a parking lot. 

“I hope the water won’t be too cold,” Keith noted idly, 

“This time of year? Nah it should be warm,” Lance affirmed, as he parked the car. 

Keith stretched as he stepped out of the vehicle, his shirt riding up a bit, showing the lean muscle of his stomach beneath. Lance grabbed the beach bag from the trunk, 

The walk to the beach wasn’t too far of a walk from where they parked.

“Shit– that’s hot!” Keith cursed as his feet touched the sand, he quickly slipped back into his shoes, 

Lance chuckled at the display as Keith jogged to catch up to him. Laying out a towel, Lance was quick to get his tan on. Pulling off his shirt, shoving it in his bag, laying face down on the towel. 

“Come on,” Came Keith’s voice from above, “Lets go in the water,” 

“Ughhh…” Lance groaned, 

“Fine, I’ll go by myself,” 

“No wait– I’m coming,” Lance said, getting up clumsily from the towel, following after Keith. 

The shorts that Lance had lent him fit Keith very well. Lance couldn’t help but ogle his backside a little. He let his eyes wander up. Keith had built up a nice bit of muscle in his time abroad in the universe. He had filled out nicely, no longer a scrawny kid. Neither of them were. 

Keith jumped right in, ignoring the waves. Lance followed more slowly. The water was the perfect temperature. Cold enough to be refreshing, but not so cold it was painful. Keith emerged from farther out, his hair plastered to his face. 

“Sea monster,” 

“Are you insulting me?” Keith asked, moving his hair out of his face

“Maybe,” Lance shrugged, earning a big splash. 

With a grunt Lance plopped down onto his towel, soaked to the bone, his right ear clogged with water. Not that he didn’t enjoy splashing around and getting borderline drowned by Keith. But everyone has a limit on how much salt water they can ingest. He lied on his back, letting the sun warm him. Listening to the sounds of the ocean and of people. Closer, he could hear the sounds of nondescript shuffling. He opened an eye, looking around to see Keith a few feet away attempting to build something

“What are you, ten?” Lance laughed, 

“I want the full experience,” Keith said flatly, 

Look” he said after a few minutes, “It’s the castle of lions,” 

Lance looked at what looked to just be a pile of sand with some sticks in it, he snorted,

“Wow, Keith, you’re really an artist,” 

“That sounded insincere,” Keith said seriously despite the smile on his face. 

“What? No way?” Lance said sarcastically, 

All was quiet for a few seconds when suddenly something wrapped around Lance’s neck. His eyes shot open to see that Keith had him wedged in his forearm, fake-choking him out, 

“What the hell!” he exclaimed, 

“This is what you get,” Keith explained, 

Lance attempted to squirm free, the pair wrestled around, Lance ending up on his back. Hindered by the disadvantage of his surprise.  Keith pinned him, not too roughly, but Lance feigned injury, 

“Ow!” he complained, 

Keith loosened the pressure on Lance’s shoulders, enough for Lance to flip them over. Keith let out a grunt as Lance planted his knee on his chest, the other knee planted in the sand beside Keith. 

The other paladin squirmed beneath his knee. Lance held fast as Keith tried to throw him, “Why’re you so strong–” Keith grunted in frustration,

“manual labor tends to have that effect,”

“Whatever, you cheated,” 

Lance shrugged, “Got me on top didn’t it?” 

Keith’s eyes moved down from Lance’s smug face. He noticed Keith’s face was getting red, 

“Oh shit– sorry, Didn’t mean to suffocate you,” ” he said attempting to diffuse the tension as he quickly got off of Keith, 

Keith’s brow twitched, “Right– it’s fine,” 

The two sat and rested, watching the waves. Eventually Lance lied back down, keeping an eye out for another attack from Keith. He wasn’t much for tanning, but apparently he wasn’t above a nap. Lance realized he was completely passed out, a towel over his eyes to protect them from the sun. His hands were clasped together, resting just above his stomach. He sort of looked like a corpse in a casket, except for the rise and fall of his abdomen with each breath. Lance’s eyes fell to his belly button, and the trail of hair that ran beneath the red swim trunks. Lance turned back onto his stomach and closed his eyes. Wondering, just what the hell he was thinking. 

Chapter Text

Discontent flowed through Lance as he watched Keith retrieve two drinks from the bar. Internally he kept asking himself what he was doing there. In truth the answer was quite simple. Keith had suggested a night out, noticing that Lance seemed down. 

And he was right of course, Lance was feeling off that day. It was almost as if there had been a change in the tide of his mind. There was a wrongness he felt within himself, like suddenly something was missing. Or perhaps it had been missing for a long time and he had just gotten used to it. As if somehow without him noticing, a great big pit had opened up in his chest. Somehow Keith had helped him see it. 

But just because he saw it didn’t mean he knew how to fix it. He no longer knew what had been there before. Lance did not know how to fill the gap. But when he looked at Keith, he felt just a little less empty.

He supposed that was why he had agreed to come out with him tonight. Lance felt his chest ache as it had been all week at the sight of the man. And the picture in his mind was coming into focus. Lance longed for Keith. He did not know when he had started seeing him this way, just this week, or sometime long before. But his stomach seemed to churn with a combination of dread and hope. Lance felt like an idiot, and quickly tried forcing himself to perk up as Keith approached. 

“Thanks,” Lance said flatly, clearing his throat. 

The tone in his voice did not get past, “You feeling alright?” 

“I’m fine,” Lance said, shaking his head, “Just… been a minute since I’ve been to a place like this,” 

Too long his mind lingered on what Keith was thinking and what he thought of Lance. He did his best to push the thoughts away. The expression Keith had made the other day at the beach in particular seemed to hang in his brain. 

“Do you want to leave?” Keith asked concerned,
“No– no, lets just drink already,” Lance sighed, straightening his posture and smiling, 

“You sure?” 

“I’m sure,” Lance insisted, and before Keith had the chance to argue he took his shot. He needed to loosen up quicker. 

It felt so strange, seeing Keith in this setting. The music reverberated through the building loudly, drowning out the people around them. The dim purple lights casting odd shadows. It reminded him of the galran ships. And for a moment Keith was in his paladin armor, and Lance could almost feel the weight of his bayard gun in his hands. 

Keith took his shot, grimacing, “You made it look so easy,” his words bringing Lance back to earth, back to the bar,

“It was,” Lance shrugged, "When's the last time you even had anything alcoholic?” 

“Hard to say,” Keith admitted, “several months ago– but it wasn’t straight liquor, more like the Galra’s equivalent to beer,” 

“Galran beer?” Lance asked with a scoff, 

“Its about as good as you’d think– which is to say, it’s horrible,” 

Lance chuckled, “I can imagine. When was the last time you got drunk– not a little tipsy… but drunk?” Lance ventured, 

“It’s been years,” 

“Really?” Lance raised a brow, “Well, we can change that,” 

In the early days after the war, when Lance was still settling in at home, he spent more time than he would like to admit in similar places. He loved the distraction he could find here. The break in his restless thoughts, the people he left with. Those days were now far behind him. Like over chewed gum, somehow even that aspect of his life lost its flavor. 

A little voice nagged at Lance. His past experiences and lessons about who he was, especially who he became under the influence, were rattling around in his mind. Lance ignored the voice,  retrieving a second round. And then a third. He was tired of thinking. Carefully he slinked back to the corner he and Keith had made their own as the bar filled up with the Saturday night crowd. 

Two women walked past them, one did a double take on Lance. Suddenly making him feel self conscious he moved closer to Keith, who was just finishing his third drink.

“You two look… awfully familiar,” 

“Well, I’m from around here–” Lance tried quickly, exchanging a glance with Keith. But Keith didn’t look worried, perhaps the implications of the question had gone over his head in this state. 

“I’m from around here,” Lance continues, “So maybe we’ve seen each other around,” 

“No that’s not it–” 

“Oh– I know,” Her face lit up with excitement, “You look like those pilots– the one in the lions or something,” 

Lance and Keith looked at each other. Keith’s deadpan “god damn it” expression mirrored his own feelings. Lance couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled out of him. Keith fared no better. 

“Wait– That is you?” one of the women asked, Lance was inclined to deny it but he just couldn’t be bothered. He was getting warm, and his legs felt as if they might fall asleep. His former bad mood seemed to get drowned out by the fuzziness that now clouded his mind.  

“Screw it– yeah, you got us,” He threw his hands up, 

“Keep it between us,” Keith interjected, making a shushing motion, 

“Oh yeah?” one of them asked, leaning forward with her arm on the high table between them “Can we… at least get a picture,” 

Lance detected a level coquetry in her tone that rubbed him the wrong way. 

“I don’t see the harm,” Keith said, nudging Lance. It seemed the implications of her tone and body language had gone over his head.

“Sure– why not,” Lance agreed anyway. He’d rather just go along for now than snub these so far harmless strangers.

And so they posed. Lance wrapped his arm around Keith, his hand closing over his shoulder as he pulled him closer. The women to his left took their photos, Lance hoped they’d leave them alone after. They said their thanks and Lance took the time to begin making their exit, 

“Come on, Keith, lets go get another drink,”

One of the women looked as though she were about to say something, but she looked between Lance and Keith. Lance still had an arm around him, and Lance realized he was glaring at her. 

“Well, we’ll leave you to it then,” she said kindly. Lance felt his face get a little warmer and a prickle of guilt on his skin. She grabbed her friend and then moved off into the crowd, 

“They seemed nice,” Keith said absently, 

“Yeah– come on lets go to the bar,” 

“Two waters!” Lance shouted over the noise, “Thank you,” 

He slid a cup to Keith. Just then the bartender slid over two shots. 

“Um… we didn’t ask for these,” Lance explained,

“Someone bought them for you,” The bartender said politely, 

“Oh– thanks,” 

“Well,” Keith started, as he clumsily picked up his glass, “Guess it pays being kinda famous,” 

“Guess so,” Lance shrugged, with a smile. If he was being honest with himself, he was already sufficiently drunk. This free shot was completely unnecessary. And with the way Keith was swaying, maybe an all together bad idea. If Lance was being honest with himself, he didn’t care anymore. 

It was like fire in his throat as it went down. Burning even as it hit his stomach. Immediately he chased it with water, soothing the irritation in his esophagus. He watched Keith take his, his normally stoic demeanor gone.

It wasn’t long before Lance was right up on the line between manageably drunk, and completely wasted. He could feel the stupid grin on his face as he teetered on the brink. That was when he heard it.  

“Keith–we have to go to the dance floor right now,” 

“What…” Keith slurred, “But’I hate dancing,” 

“Pleaaassseee I love this song,” Lance whined, 

“Fine then, jus’ one song,” 

Unsteady on his feet, Keith stumbled into Lance. Lance grabbed him by the elbow to steady him. Keith used his shoulder for balance. They’d ended up by the wall, out of breath. Keith leant his back against the wall. He shut his eyes for a second, as he breathed. 

“I drank way too much,” He let out a breathy laugh, hanging onto Lance,

“Me too,” Lance admitted shakily. With the crowd in the bar, they were pushed close together. Keith’s head fell against his shoulder. Lance’s hand fell to Keith’s waist as he shifted sideways. 

“There’s been something on my mind a while,” the words left Lance’s mouth before he’d even had a chance to think about it.  

“Huh?” Keith asked raising his head, 

“Back when we were paladins,” Lance began carefully, bringing his lips close to Keith’s ear so he could hear him, “When did you start liking me,” 

“Oh,” Keith laughed awkwardly, “Uh… I’m not sure, maybe after we sorta started becoming friends,” 

“When did you stop liking me?” 

Keith shrugged, his words slurring, “Dunno,” 

Lance raised a brow, “Did you stop liking me?” 

“Oh come on now,” Keith snorted, “You think I was up there in space all this time pining for you? Please,” 

“Maybe you were though,” Lance suggested, cocking his head, 

“I wasn’t!” Keith insisted, shoving Lance playfully, “Man, I regret ever telling you,” 

Lance leaned forward, and lowered his voice, “So why’d you come back here after all this time? You said you missed me after all, just how much?” 

There was a voice in Lance’s head yelling at him “what are you doing? Stop.” but he didn’t want to. Especially not with how red his fellow paladin’s face was getting. Even in the low light he could see it on his skin.

“Shut up,” Keith said sheepishly, “I meant what I said– but it’s not like that,” 

“That’s not the vibe I got yesterday at the beach,”

Keith’s face became infinitely redder, 

“Or your first night here— When you oggled me fresh out of the shower,” Lance continued, 

Keith opened his mouth like he was going to say something but he didn’t. 

“Thought I wouldn’t notice?” Lance asked, leaning in closer, “Should I keep going?”

Keith got angry at this, his eyes narrowed, and his jaw tightened, 

“Yknow what fuck you– quit making fun of me,” Keith stood up straight, unsteadily, moving to leave. He shoved Lance, this time it wasn’t playful. But Lance quickly recovered and blocked him with arm against the wall. Keith bumped into him, still drunk and clumsy. This left them inches apart. Lance watched Keith’s expression, his pupils flitting back and forth between Lance’s, his jaw slack with surprise. 

“I wasn’t making fun of you, dumbass, I’m flirting with you,” Lance spelled out. The noise and chaos seemed to fade away around them as they stared at each other. Nothing but a distant sounding blur, leaving him and Keith alone in the world. 

“But–” Keith swallowed, his eyes momentarily locking on Lance’s mouth, “you’re not… you don’t…” 

“I don’t what?” Lance asked sarcastically, knowing what Keith was asking. Moving in closer, he brought his hand to Keith’s face, “You wanna find out?” 

Lance waited for Keith to move. To shove him away again, tell him he was too drunk. But that isn’t what happened. After a pause, Keith was the one to close the distance.  

Their lips met briefly as Keith tentatively initiated. A hand gently moved against his neck, Keith’s lips pressing down on his, satin and warm. The heat of Keith’s breath, shallow and nervous on his skin. 

Lance kissed back, softly and as chastely as Keith had kissed him. Lance could feel the tension leave the man’s body. They both slowly gained more confidence with each brush of contact. The little voice in Lance’s mind was screaming now “what are you doing you idiot?” But he pushed it aside until he couldn’t hear it. 

Instead he took the lead. He slid a hand around Keith’s waist, it came to rest on the small of his back, his thumb rubbing idly along Keith’s spine. The other hand was on the back of Keith’s neck, brushing up into his dark messy hair. Lance pulled Keith into him, their bodies flush against one another. 

Keith parted his lips slightly, an invitation to Lance. That small action, offering himself to Lance like that, did something to Lance. It stirred something deep within his belly he had not felt in a long time. Without hesitation, Lance answered the request, 

“Mph,” The noise reverberated out of Keith. Lance could feel the low noise at his intrusion, and it made him hungry. Keith’s lips were warm and dry against his own. The faint taste of rum lingered on his tongue. 

It was sloppy, awkward. Their teeth clacked more than once. But neither seemed to care. With each sound that Keith made, the more desperate Lance felt, the hotter the room seemed to get. The further away the music and people seemed to get. 

Until suddenly Keith was pulling away, breathless, 

“Let’s get out of here,” 

Chapter Text

The ride home had been agony for Lance. Waiting for the car, sitting beside Keith, both trying to maintain some level of dignity for the sake of the driver. Lance was unsure of their success in this endeavor. 

Stumbling out of the car they met again in the driveway, using each other for balance. Keith stumbled forward, Lance caught him by the back of his shirt, yanking him back up. Keith let out a breathy laugh, hanging on Lance. They continued until finally they etched the door. Lance fumbled with his keys and the lock until miraculously he got it open and the pair tumbled inside.. 

Noisily they made their way through the house. Keith’s back thudded against a wall, Lance’s hip knocked into a table, nearly knocking over a vase. Silently Lance thanked his parents for choosing to visit his sister for the weekend. 

By the grace of god they made it to Lance’s room in one piece and fully clothed. Even through the layers of fabric, Lance could feel Keith against him. He moved forward, Keith moved backwards, his hands looking for a handhold on Lance’s shirt. Keith’s legs met the bed, the sudden impact causing him to lose balance and fall back onto the bed. 

Keith kept himself propped up on his arms, disheveled with his hair coming loose from his ponytail. His shirt wrinkled, the first two buttons already undone. His face was flush, his lips red and wet, and his eyes shone with hunger. Leaning back with his legs slightly splayed left the evidence of his arousal much more visible. Lance pulled his eyes away from Keith’s body, looking him in the eye.

There was a glint of expectation in his eye. Lance knelt on the bed, slotting one knee between Keith’s thighs as he hovered over him. Crawling up further on the bed he pressed his knee into Keith’s groin, eliciting a low whine from the man.

“Mh– Lance,” Keith finally let out as Lance kissed down the length of his neck. He trailed a hand down Keith’s heaving chest, feeling him through the thin material of his shirt. The softness of his relaxed form, the way his muscles tensed when Lance would move his lips or tongue. 

Lance unbuttoned the rest of Keith’s shirt as he kissed lower, his hand still lingering at his waistline, his thumb running idly along the hair below his navel. Keith’s hands were in his hair, brushing through it, tugging in rhythm with the subtle gasps Lance elicited from him. 

As his fingers began to trace lightly along the skin just above the waistline of Keith’s jeans, one of those hands left Lance’s head, latching around his wrist,

“Wait,” Keith breathed,

So Lance waited. Leaning back allowing for just a bit of air between them. 

“This was stupid,” Keith continued, still inches from Lance, 

“I disagree,” 

“You’ll regret this in the morning,” Keith pressed,

“I won’t regret this,” Lance assured, watching Keith’s Adam's apple bob as he swallowed, he continued, asking, “Will you?”

Keith turned his eyes from Lance, “I don’t want to,” Keith sighed. He looked back at Lance with a glint in his eye, chewing on his bottom lip. It felt like Keith was sizing him up. It almost made Lance uncomfortable until Keith finally spoke again, 

“So don’t let me,” He said quietly. It was almost a plea. 

“I won’t”

Holding his gaze, Keith slowly removed his hand from Lance’s wrist. Lance broke eye contact as he felt the tugging at his belt buckle. Keith had turned the tables on him and Lance let him. Helped him even as he pulled his belt free, the clasp jingling as it hit the floor with a soft thud. Keith had already begun undoing the button, then his fly. 

Not wanting to be alone in this, Lance was quick to restart his fumbling with Keith’s pants. Lance felt his jeans being slid down until they fell freely to his knees, kicking them off as he undid Keith’s buttons. He hissed as Keith groped him through his briefs, mildly surprised at how forward he was, until he reminded himself it was Keith below him. 

Keith let out a breathy chuckle at Lance’s reaction as he lifted his butt off the mattress, allowing Lance to tug his pants down to his mid thighs. 

“You’re so… eager,” Keith whispered right in his ear, as he squeezed his hand. 

“Ngh– so are you,” Lance retorted, running a hand along the tent in Keith’s boxers. Keith’s only response was to start kissing down his neck roughly. His teeth grazed against Lance’s burning skin. He ran a hand through Keith’s unruly hair, tugging his head back away from his collarbone. Looking Keith in the eye as he began tugging on his waistband  with one finger. Keith’s own hand against him had stilled as he anticipated Lance’s next move. 

For another moment it seemed like they were in some kind of stalemate. Keith looked at Lance challengingly, so his expression was skeptical. It pissed Lance off. Enough to pull down Keith’s boxers all the way, letting him spring free. Lance wrapped a hand around him roughly.

“Ah–” Keith let out a gasp, cut off as Lance pressed his mouth to Keith’s. 

Keith fell back, his back flush against the mattress as Lance began his rough ministrations. He felt cold clumsy fingers on his own waist band, tugging. Feeling generous, he helped, pulling down his briefs, leaving them both exposed. Lance let out a slow shaky breath as he felt Keith’s hand close around him. He buried his head in Keith’s shoulder, breathing in the scent of his hair as he let himself focus on the way Keith handled him. Basking in it. Lance then redirected that focus into the way he moved his own hand around Keith. 

Transitioning from the rough beginnings to something slower and more teasing. He wanted this to last. It was difficult to keep up the pace as tingles of pleasure shot up his spine. Lance felt his breathing coming out in quick shaky gasps. Keith began wriggling beneath him. Lance could feel him twitching. 

“mh… Lance,” 

The sound practically made his ears ring as he felt a pang of need in his gut. 

“Faster,” He begged, 

When Lance infuriatingly ignored his plea, Keith let out a dissatisfied grumble and wrapped his legs around Lance’s waist. He pulled Lance closer, the heat radiated off of Keith. The length of him brushed up against his own as Keith pulled their hips flush together. 

And then suddenly, while Lance was distracted by the contact between them, Keith flipped them. 

“omph!” The air was pushed from Lance’s lungs as his back hit the mattress and Keith landed straddling his waist. 

Now Keith was above Lance, his weight fully pressed down against him. For a moment they were both still. Lance let his eyes trail over Keith. His hands placed on his abdomen, the places where their skin touched above where their clothes bunched around their thighs. Where Lance could feel Keith’s warmth mingle with his own. His disheveled appearance, the sheen of sweat on his skin. The rise and fall of his chest. 

Then Keith reinstated his grip, Lance let out a small breath as Keith wrapped his hand around them both. Pressed together like that Lance could feel his heartbeat pounding against his skin. He kept one hand on Lance for balance, moving the other hand slowly, Lance helpless except to watch under Keith’s weight.  

“Keith–” Lance breathed his name, as his hands fell to Keith’s waist. Lance couldn’t take his eyes off of him. Watching as his expression changed from relaxed pleasure to hard focus. His brow furrowed, teeth bared as he began rutting his hips against Lance’s. 

The way he moved, the expression on his face. It was easy for Lance to begin picturing what it would be like if Keith were actually riding him. Butterflies filled his stomach at the thought and reflexively jutted his own hips upwards. Keith began struggling with the pace. His hips would stutter, his hand would pause. Lance could feel that he was close. 

Lance began to sit up, moving a hand to the small of Keith’s back. Lance held his gaze as he put his hand over Keith’s still fist. He slowly moved their hands up, then down, then back up. Watching Keith’s face tighten ever so slightly as he did so. Purposefully he guided their hands slowly, agonizingly slow. 

Slowly he worked the pace back up. It took all his focus to keep from finishing. With Keith in front of him, in his lap writhing beneath his touch. His breath coming out quick and strained, the start of a moan at the end of each one. Keith let his head fall onto Lance's shoulder. He could feel Keith’s warm breath coming out against his neck, feel his lips begin brushing against his skin. 

“Mmh,” Keith’s teeth grazed his neck, his breath hot against his skin, “Lance– I nn-can’t take it,” 

“Then don’t,”

“ah! Mgh—“ another groan escaped Keith in response as Lance felt him start to tense. His arm wrapping further around Lance’s back, pulling him impossibly closer. 

Only a few more thrusts of Keith’s hips and Lance felt him twitch, and the hot spatter of his release between them. Witnessing Keith’s climax was enough to bring him right over the edge. 

with a gasp, he joined Keith, a whine escaping him. Lance stroked them both through it, savoring the feelings of bliss. The feelings of Keith’s bliss at his hand.

When it was finally over he let go, both of them growing soft, a mess between them. Lance sat back to look at the aftermath. His shirt was soiled. Keith’s bare chest was worse. It was almost enough to make him hard again but already he felt sleep tugging on his eye lids. 

Keith let out a breathy laugh as he looked down at himself, shrugging off his button up.

“Here—“ Lance took off his soiled shirt and wiped off Keith’s chest before throwing the shirt to the floor. Tomorrow’s problem. 

Keith yawned, leaned in and kissed Lance again, before falling into the bed and dragging Lance with him. Keith kicked off his pants, Lance followed suit. Allowing himself to be enveloped in the other’s arms.

Chapter Text

In the morning Lance awoke naked and entangled with the limbs of another. He could hear Keith’s heart beat steadily thumping away beneath his ear. He could feel his own heart pounding in rhythm with the throb of his head. His stomach churned and his mouth felt dry and tasted sour. 

He could feel the rise and fall of Keith’s chest, feel the warmth of his skin against his own. Lance closed his eyes again, relishing in the warmth and the softness. It was almost enough to ease his discomfort. He breathed in, Keith’s scent filling his nose.

With a sigh of comfort, Lance opened his eyes again. Keith was out cold, sprawled out on Lance’s queen mattress, the blanket covering very little as he slept like the dead. His mouth hung open just a little, his face framed by the absolute disaster that was his hair. Lance watched as a loose strand by his mouth would blow in time with the rise and fall of his chest. 

Part of him longed to stay like this forever, entwined in his bed. But the events of the previous night replayed in his mind. He felt butterflies remembering all that they had said and done to one another. But anxiety prickled at him nonetheless. 

Carefully, Lance got up, and got himself into the bathroom. He felt as though he did something wrong. Had taken something he had neither earned nor deserved. Had broken something priceless and irreparable, and had taken pleasure in doing so. He supposed that was because that was exactly what he had done. 

Guilt and shame mixed with his nausea. He splashed water on his face, trying to avoid his own gaze in the mirror. He sighed and stepped towards the shower, that one movement was enough to send his stomach over the edge. The nausea he felt sharpened and he felt his mouth water. Lance wretched into the waiting toilet, his knees hitting the tile roughly. His abdomen cramped as his body tried to eject something that wasn’t there. Yellow bile pooled in the porcelain basin, the sour smell filling his nose, making him feel worse. 

When he felt his stomach settle just slightly, he decided to let himself hope the coast was clear. He stood up, flushing his mess away, and turned the shower on, letting the water warm up as he rinsed out his mouth and brushed his teeth. He let out a sigh as the hot water hit his skin and began washing away what remained of yesterday’s sins. 

The warm darkness of the shower was a breeding ground for Lance’s thoughts. He spent half his time washing, and the other half standing motionless with the water pelting him as his brain got back on its hamster wheel. Spinning and spinning, trying to work out how he felt. 

There wasn't a conclusion he could come to. Lance could not deny to himself that he had enjoyed last night. He had enjoyed being intimate with Keith, of all people. He would be lying if he said he hadn’t found him attractive. So why did he feel so guilty? So ashamed?

For several months after the war, Lance had begun an unhealthy diet of frequent one night stands. None of those made him feel guilty during that time. But with Keith it was different for Lance. And it was not because of his gender. All of his previous hookups had been fleeting, Lance knew that this instance– whatever he had with Keith– it was not fleeting. And that filled him with a sense of dread. 

Lance’s fingers had gone wrinkly with the time he’d spent there. He turned the water off and grabbed his towel. Throwing on his clean clothes then continuing his morning skincare routine. Silently cursing himself for skipping washing his face last night. 

After that he returned to the matter of the mess in his room, he grabbed his laundry basket and began picking up his and Keith’s clothes from the floor. Being extra careful with his shirt which was now toxic waste. 

The basket was only half full but he took it to the laundry room all the same. Not wanting to wait for his parents to be around for this load. He decided the sheets could wait till later, well after Keith woke up. They hadn’t seemed to bear any weight of the mess. 

When that task was finished Lance decided to bring a glass of water and a couple pain killers to Keith’s bedside for when he woke up. After that he decided a pot of coffee wouldn’t hurt anyone. Lance set up the machine and waited. And as the coffee finished brewing, Keith entered the kitchen, as if enticed by the prospect of caffeine. 

His face still had that puffiness of sleep in it. His eyes were squinted against the light of the morning. 

“Morning,” Lance said, smiling, “Hungover?” 

Keith scoffed, nodding, “A bit,” his voice rough and gravelly, 

“Coffee?” 

“Please,” 

Lance poured him a mug and handed it over. Watching him drink it black, as he made his own cup, sweet and light. 

“So, last night,” Keith began, 

“Last night,” Lance repeated, “Last night was fun,”

“We should talk about it,” Keith said flatly into his mug, 

“What is there to say?” 

Keith rolled his eyes with an exasperated sigh, “Come on, Lance, don’t be dense– you want me to spell it out?” 

“No– no I get it,” Lance said, staring down at the counter. He could feel the tension growing around them. The kitchen air was heavy with it.

“Do you regret it?” Keith asked matter of factly after a few moments of quiet. He asked the question as  if he was prepared for the worst. It hurt Lance, that he expected so little of him. It hurt him more that he was right to do so. 

“We were wasted, Keith,” Lance said coldly. Like last night was just another Tuesday for him. He nearly choked on the words nonetheless, hating how he had said it. 

Keith looked at him with an unfamiliar expression. Lance realized that he was stunned.

“Seriously?” Keith asked, his voice wavered, “That’s your angle?” He shook his head, but continued sternly, “You didn’t answer the question, do you regret it?”

“Keith– please,” 

“Just say yes or no,”

“No,” 

“You don’t regret it?” Keith confirmed,

“It was fun,” Lance shrugged, his voice had an edge of sarcasm to it, “Why would I regret fun?” 

Keith scoffed, “Is that all it was to you? Fun?”

Lance shrugged, not saying anything, he could not bring himself to.  

Keith let out a breathy laugh, running a hand through his hair, “You’re a bad liar, Lance. This indifferent act your putting up doesn’t fool me,”  

“Really?” Lance retorted, turning to Keith, “What makes you think you know me so well? You’ve been here for how long? A week, Keith. After two years, that’s nothing– you don’t know me,”

“You think I don't know how long it's been? That it doesn’t matter? I came back cause’ I care about you, Lance,” Keith reminded him,

“I didn’t ask you to,” Lance snapped, 

“You didn’t have to!” Keith shouted angrily, the tension had snapped and the silence that sat between them after was suffocating. Keith continued when Lance remained quiet, “Jokes on me I guess, I thought it would mean something to you– I thought I mattered more to you than just fun,” 

The words rang in Lance’s ears. Self loathing burned in his chest but he ignored it. It was better this way. 

“Well, I’m sorry I mislead you,” 

“You can’t be fucking serious,” Keith said, with a sort of ironic laugh, “I was such an idiot to go along with you last night. I can’t believe you, Lance. I’m not asking you to confess to me, I’m not asking you to be my fucking boyfriend here– I’m just asking you to talk to me– because I love you, as my friend before anything else. I thought you at least felt the same about that,” 

“Keith–” Lance began, but he had already taken it too far. The twist of pain on Keith’s face was too much for him to bear.

“No. I’m done. I didn’t come here for you to treat me like garbage– You can have your fun with some other sorry piece of shit,”

With that, Keith stormed off to his room. The next time Lance saw him he was fully clothed, holding his things. The look on his face was that of barely contained rage. 

Keith paused with his hand on the knob, he turned, but still did not meet Lance’s eye, His voice came out quiet and shaky with emotion, “I really don’t know what you are so afraid of,” 

The door slammed behind him as he left, leaving Lance in the wake of their fallout. His ears rang with it, his skin burned, his throat felt tight. It really felt like he had been exposed to some kind of blast. His mind felt as though it was flatlining. 

A sort of numbness filled his head, and for a long time he sat in the kitchen where Keith had left him. Lance wondered when he’d see Keith again. If he’d see him again. Could he ever make up for this. How could he fix this? 

Eventually Lance stood up, doing the only thing he could think to do, get back to work.  His parents would be home later that afternoon. They would wonder where their guest went so suddenly. 

With no particular task planned for the day, he began weeding and general maintenance. Something even his rattled mind could handle. He did not have to focus hard to get this task done. After a couple hours he went back inside, remembering to move his clothes to the dryer, freeing up the wash for his sheets. 

His stomach grumbled but he had no desire to fill it. Lance put a hand on the door to go back outside to find more work to do. But suddenly he just couldn’t keep up the distraction. Pretending like it was just a normal day. What’s the point of this? He thought to himself, his hand falling from the door. 

No matter how hard he worked he could not distract himself from it. From Keith or any of the things he had said. Lance’s own words reverberated in his skull. Anger began to fizzle under his skin. His blood came to a full boil. All that anger, and all of it was for himself. Running a hand through his hair, he stepped back from the door. Mixed in with the anger was panic at the prospect of what he had lost. Who he had shoved out of his life. 

Lance went into his room, closing the door behind him. He sat on his bed and tried to calm himself to no avail. His breath came out quick and labored, no amount of oxygen he could take in was enough. Pacing the room now, he felt the urge to break something, to yell, bubbling up in his stomach. His fists clenching in an attempt to restrain himself. 

A flashing memory of the twisted expression of pain on Keith’s face broke the dam of his self restraint. Suddenly he was shouting a curse, and his fist was going through drywall. He hardly noticed the pain as it shot up his arm through his knuckles. 

Cursing again he sat back down on his bed, looking at the newly formed hole in the wall. He let out a breathy laugh. What was he? A teenage boy? Lance dropped his head, resting his face in his hands as he felt his eyes begin to well with tears. 

Of all the things that had been said that day, one thing kept repeating in his mind:

“What are you so afraid of?”

…

The engine of his motorcycle filled Keith’s ears as he sped down the empty highway towards a familiar place. His heart still pounded with anger and hurt. His skin still burned with embarrassment.

Memories of last night kept running through Keith’s mind. His enjoyment of it, how he thought Lance was enjoying it. He felt so confused. 

The way Lance had acted that morning was so out of character to Keith. He had been so himself, albeit a little bluer than usual. That the sudden indifference he had shown Keith felt completely out of left field. Keith could not wrap his head around it. The dissonance between how tenderly Lance had treated him last night. How passionately he had kissed him. And how icy he was this morning. 

Mostly he just felt stupid. He had never intended to put their friendship at risk, yet if he had chosen self restraint over indulgence, things might be different. But of course, he couldn’t manage to refuse Lance. Keith should have known better.

Lance had always been a flirt. He even went as far as to call Keith “a stiff prude” one time when Keith had grown irritated at Lance’s antics with some alien. Maybe he was stiff, and prudish. Perhaps that's why before last night, he’d never let anyone see him like that. Regardless, he knew how Lance was, he should have known better. 

The price he had incurred for his naivety was steep. He valued Lance’s friendship enough to never risk it over something like this. Keith truly did think he had gotten over his crush, and left it behind him. But visiting Lance, spending so much time with him. He would be a fool to deny that he still felt something for him. Perhaps he always had and the distance just made it easy to ignore. 

He began to spiral in a torrent of self hatred. He had been so stupid. Not just last night but all of it. Why had he even told Lance about his old feelings in the first place? Keith supposed he just wanted to show Lance that there were no secrets between them. Show that he could tell Lance anything, so that maybe Lance would open up about whatever it was that was obviously bothering him. Keith hadn’t imagined Lance felt so indifferent about him. It hurt so bad to know that not even his friendship was reciprocated in the way he thought. 

Finally a familiar driveway came into view and he pulled in. He needed something to quell the tempest in his head, and Shiro’s company always helped. He parked his bike, stowed his helmet and approached the door. 

Wiping his palms on his jeans he rang the doorbell and waited. Listening to the sounds of footsteps and a muffled voice from inside, “Be right there!” 

Keith shifted his weight as the lock clicked and the door knob began to turn. The door creaked open. Keith Swallowed as Shiro’s eyes widened at the sight of him, 

“Keith! What the hell are you doing here?” He exclaimed, a smile tugging at his lips. 

“I uh, just wanted to see you–” He shrugged, the last few words coming out strained as Shiro pulled Keith into a bear-hug. 

By the time Shiro let go, Keith thought he might pass out from lack of oxygen. Almost as soon as he let Keith go, Shiro’s expression changed to one of concern. 

“You look upset, what's wrong?” He asked, 

“Jeez am I really that easy to read, 

“To me– yeah,” Shiro shrugged, “Come inside, I’ll make you some tea,”  

“Thanks Keith said, giving the mug Shiro handle him an experimental sip, it was still a little too hot,

“No problem,”

“So, you wanna talk?” 

Keith groaned, “Not really,” 

“Alright well… what brings you to Earth. I know you aren’t just visiting me, you’ve been here at least a couple days right?” 

“Yeah,” Keith sighed, “I’ve been here about a week, It was… spontaneous, I was going to tell you I was coming but, I came earlier than I expected,” 

“Why?” 

“Lance and I… I went to visit him first,” 

“You tried to convince him to be a pilot again didn’t you?” Shiro asked, 

“Not exactly, but… sort of yeah,” 

“Keith, we talked about this,” 

“I know,” Keith groaned, “Maybe you were right– but he looked miserable when I was there,” 

“Lance needs to figure it out for himself– you can’t tell him what to be,” 

“Yeah, I know– I didn’t– I just wanted to be there for him really, but… I guess I… overstepped,” Keith finished lamely, 

“And you’re a great friend for being there for him, he’s lucky to have you. If that’s all it was I’m sure it will work out, just apologize,”

Apologize 

That made him angry, but it was not Shiro’s fault. He had no idea what truly happened, he was simply working with the picture that Keith had painted him. Keith took a breath, focusing on what he could tell Shiro, rather than what he couldn’t yet. 

“I don’t know– He said a lot of things. I said a lot of things. It… hurt, the things he said,” Keith admitted. Even with the anger he felt towards Lance, Keith also couldn’t deny his own feelings of guilt, “Part of me thinks he was right about some of it— I wasn’t there for him before,”

“You did the best you could– you have your own life to live and figure out– you can’t beat yourself up for this. Whatever Lance said to you– I’m sure he didn’t mean it,” 

“I don’t know,” 

“You two have a habit of bickering– You two will get through this, just, take some time to cool your head, let him do the same,” 

Shiro did not know half of it. Keith wished he could believe him, but knowing what they had fought about, he could not convince himself it would be alright. This was completely and totally different than their usual bickering or even actual fights. This was bad. 

“You’re right,” Keith lied, deciding to just let it be. He could not tell Shiro what had truly gone down. And unless he did, Shiro's advice would be inaccurate. But Keith did not need advice, he just needed his older brother. 

So he stayed there for a few days. Part of him longed to return to space, to get off that blasted rock. But he also knew he could not leave his business with Lance the way it was. In the past he might’ve just run off back to space, leaving it all behind. But Keith wanted to be stronger than that, he had to believe he was stronger than that. 

Much of his time he spent sulking, or punching out his frustrations. Shiro called it a work out room, but it was more like a combat training room. Keith supposed even in his retirement, Shiro may always feel the need to be physically prepared. Keith couldn’t fault him for that. 

As he ran through a set of moves against the stagnant punching bag, he noticed his phone lighting up in the corner of the room. At first he ignored it, he had been far too obsessed with the thing, and the prospect that Lance would call to say his sorries, beg Keith to come back. Of course he didn’t, and Keith tried to ignore his phone. 

But more and more messages rolled in. Then someone was calling. Finally, with an exasperated sigh, he stopped, and looked to see who it was, to his surprise, it was Pidge. 

Quickly he answered, “Pidge– wait– alright alright, I’m looking,” 

He looked at the messages Pidge had been sending, his blood seemed to cool in an instant, the sweat on his skin turned to ice. 

“Fuck.”