Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Mabel hates silence.

            “I need another fucking shot I swear to fucking god.”

            “Cheers to that,” Jinny shouted atop the noise before downing her own drink, “Next one’s on me, come on.”

 She nodded, checking over her shoulder that everyone was still there. Lizzy was laughing at something Theodore had said, and Nan was somehow glaring at them and smiling brightly at Guy at the same time. She sighed. Next to them, Conchita and Richard were dancing like they didn’t have a care in the world. When she looked back, Jinny had already vanished in the crowd.

 She rushed to catch up to her. When she got to the counter, Jinny handed her a small glass with a liquid too blue to be natural.

            “Bottoms up, kiddo.”

 Mabel grinned and downed the shot. It was sweet and quite nice, flowing softly down her throat without burning it like she’d expected it to.

            “What’s that?” she screamed in Jinny’s ear.

 Jinny smiled, and it felt more real than any of the smiles she’d been giving them for months. Mabel didn’t know how much the alcohol was helping. She decided not to think about it.

            “A blue lagoon shot.”

 She would have answered, but Britney Spears suddenly invaded the speakers, and they had to get back there. Britney Spears was like a rallying cry. It invariably brought the five girls together like a morally dubious 90’s girlsband performing the most sinful dance anyone could have ever invented. It consisted in a lot of twerking and body rolls. Britney Spears invaded the speakers: they invaded the dancefloor.

 Before she’d found her soulmate in Richard, Conchita -who had notoriously started the whole Britney Spears’ worship- had seduced numerous men because of these performances. So had Jinny. And Nan. And even her sister, on rare occasions.

 Never her. She’d always been more of a womanizer than a maneater.

 Conchita had perfected the art of pretending she had a yellow boa around her waist while she moved said waist as if she’d invented the definition of the word sensuality. Nan did dance, but she loved throwing glances around as if everyone did want a piece of her -and history had proven that was close to the truth. Jinny was always surprisingly good at dancing, so good it looked like she’d worked for it before. Lizzy had always been the shyest of them, but lately she’d gained in confidence, managing to make even the swing of her arms in the air graceful like a swan.

 Mabel always danced like nobody was watching- why care? Nobody ever was.

 But she loved dancing. Alone was good, but with the girls it was always better. Conchita was amazing to dance with, always had been: she danced with girls like she wanted to seduce them, even though she was straighter than a 180° angle. Nan loved twirling them around: it invariably made her laugh like a child. With her sister, Mabel loved to be silly, loved to perform the worst ever possibly moves, from the swim dance to the macarena to the nae nae to the worm. Jinny was the one doing the worm: a sight only to be seen on exceptional, alcohol and joy-fueled occasions. Not tonight.

About halfway into the song, Mabel turned around to catch Theodore staring at her sister like she was the only person even worth looking at in the room, and she knew both Lizzy and Nan had noticed it too. Lizzy because she was self-consciously tucking back a strand of jet-black hair behind her ear, Nan because she had this strange mix of frustration -at herself, Lizzy or Theo, she couldn’t possibly tell- and bewilderment on her face. When she turned back around to see if anyone had noticed the little scene too, Conchita immediately nodded at her. Jinny wasn’t looking at them, but just by the tension in her shoulders and her tightly shut eyes, Mabel knew she’d noticed it too.

 It felt like something was falling apart for the first time in their fifteen years of friendship, and Mabel couldn’t figure out what to do about it.

☆☆☆☆☆

 On the ride back, Mabel half-closed her eyes as she let her forehead rest against the window. Conchita had insisted the five of them get in the same uber and all go back to her place, making the boys figure their ride back alone.

 Nan’s head was resting on her shoulder, and she gently stroked her hair. Jinny was sitting in Lizzy’s lap, the blonde half-asleep while the brunette comfortably rested her chin against her back, her arms around her waist. Conchita, sitting in the front, had been animatedly chatting with the driver before a silence settled in the car.

            “Girls,” Conchita said, turning to them with a glint in her eye.

 Mabel always liked when she got this look.

            “Mhmh?” Jinny mumbled against Lizzy’s collarbone, her eyes still closed.

 Jinny nuzzled her face further in Lizzy’s neck and they all quietly laughed, because Jinny only ever got touchy when she’d had too much to drink.

            “I know where we’ll go for summer break.”

☆☆☆☆☆

            “This is the shittiest idea you’ve had in a while.”

 Conchita laughed at the remark, but Mabel knew Nan was frowning a little too much for it to be lighthearted.

            “It’s not,” Conchita dramatically threw her arms up in the air.

 She was sitting backwards in an armchair, makeup a mess, hair dangling down to the floor and shoes discarded in the corner of the room. Sat at the dressing table, Jinny was removing her makeup and hadn’t said a word about Conchita’s idea except a noncommittal “why not” -nothing was committed about Jinny these days, anyway- and Lizzy was taking a shower in the ensuite bathroom.

            “Are you trying to turn us into nuns?” Mabel tried to joke, “That’s a lost cause, Conchita, I thought you’d figured that out by now.”

 Conchita snorted.

            “I know that,” she sat up with a soft look in her eyes she only had when she got serious, “No I just- I think we need…” She sighed, “Maybe we need some quiet. Some time just- Just the five of us.”

 Nan scoffed, and Mabel couldn’t exactly figure out why she seemed so utterly pissed. It annoyed her that Conchita clearly couldn’t see it and that Jinny didn’t have it in her to care.

            “That’s rich. You’re proposing to go where Richard’s sister lives. Just the five of us, but Richard not too far away, huh?”

 Conchita just shrugged.

            “No, he wouldn’t come. Or- Well if he does it wouldn’t be for our whole time here, anyway. And when- if he comes, then Theo or Guy can come along, too.”

            “What about Theo?” Lizzy walked in the room with a towel wrapped her body.

 Mabel pinched the bridge of her nose. God was her sister subtle.

            “Nothing,” Conchita said as Nan was rolling her eyes, “I’m just saying that just because we would be going to Honoria’s convent, doesn’t mean Richard or any of the guys would come along. It could be just us five.”

            “Who’s Honoria?” Lizzy asked, sitting on the floor as she wrapped her hair in a towel.

            “Richard’s sister,” Mabel provided, “Do try to follow,” she added dryly as Lizzy stuck her tongue out to her.

 Nan, who was now fully lying of Conchita’s king size bed, sighed again.

            “I don’t think it’s- I mean it’s your money and-”

            “What do you mean?” Conchita laughed but still frowned, “My family’s been paying for our summer break for years, I don’t see why it should start bothering you now,” she waved her hand dismissively, “Not that it should, we’ve got far too much money for you not to be benefiting from it.”

            “Yeah well- It bothers me.”

 A silence fell in the room. Conchita was frowning like she’d been given a physics problem, Lizzy was staring quizzically at Nan, and even Jinny had turned around, cotton pad in hand, to frown at her sister.

 Mabel was puzzled too. The Clossons had money. Lots of it. When they were children, Conchita’s birthday parties had always been completely over the top, with bouncing houses and fireworks. And they were generous with it, too: she’d gotten beautiful gifts from Conchita and her parents over the year. For their high-school graduation, Conchita’s parents had given them tickets to Coachella, leaving enough money to their daughter for them to spend nights in luxurious hotels.

 When she was about fourteen, Mabel had wondered if it was okay for them to enjoy the Clossons’ money as they were. Not one to leave herself wonder, she’d went and ask Conchita’s mother. She’d learned the Clossons originally wanted to have a big family, but that cancer had prevented Mrs Closson from having any more children after Conchita. She’d looked at Mabel with tears in her eyes then, smiling as she said that it didn’t matter, because Conchita was all they could have ever asked for, and that her best friends were like daughters to her and her husband.

 Mabel’s eyes had filled too.

 And they all knew this story.

            “Are you being serious or is there something else?” Mabel said, because frankly, she was getting tired of all this.

 Nan sighed, again. They all knew this wasn’t about money.

            “Okay, no,” Nan sat up and looked at them, “This is stupid,” she laughed self-deprecatingly, “I felt like you were trying to control everything, and I hate when do that. But I think,” she sighed dramatically and let herself fall back down on the bed with a groan, “I think you’re right. We do need some time just the five of us.”

            “We’ve been falling apart lately,” Lizzy softly said to the wooden floor.

 Mabel nodded, even though she knew Lizzy wasn’t exactly talking about her. A silence settled in the room. Heavy with tensions they all knew but wouldn't be speaking about tonight.

            “See? Nuns are fun!” Conchita said excitedly.

            “Who knows? Maybe I’ll find myself a delightfully sexually repressed nun,” Mabel said, which made everyone laugh.

 A comfortable silence settled between them. Eventually, Jinnie got up and went to sit on the bed next to Nan.

            “I never thought I would say that, but I think spending our summer break in a convent might be our most sensible decision this year.”

Chapter Text

Their summer plan was simple.

(which was surprising, considering it was Conchita’s)

 Richard’s younger sister was a nun. Not yet, Richard had rectified when they’d seen each other before leaving, she’s just a novice for now. He’d said it with a sense of urgency Mabel hadn’t understood. She guessed having one’s sister deciding to live on the other side of the world in a secluded community might have been among the scary, albeit unlikely things, that could happen to one.

 She lived in a big abbey in the middle of the Alps, Richard had said, siding with Conchita to argue that it was a very beautiful place, where they would all recover -from what exactly, they hadn’t said but no one had asked- adding that the nuns were all really friendly.

            “It’s still a convent,” Mabel skeptically said, “I’m not spending three weeks whispering and praying.”

            “Because you whisper and pray too much throughout the year?” Nan playfully asked, which made everyone laugh.

            “Because our voices were made to be loud and god never answers,” Mabel retorted with a smile.

            “Alright, well,” Richard interjected, finishing his cup of coffee before swiftly placing it in the dishwasher, getting ready to leave for work, “They do pray, but they do not really whisper. I mean- My sister does whisper but that’s not because she’s a nun,” he shook his head, smiling to himself, “Anyway, I went there a few months ago and I know they’d be happy to have you. They host a bunch of travelers over the year,” he leaned in conspiratorially, “If you donate generously maybe they’ll even let you be noisy until the late hours of the night.”

 Everybody laughed, Conchita slapping his arm as he leaned away with a smile.

            “Don’t say that,” Jinny said with a smile, “They’re nuns. We’ll have to be respectful if we go there.”

            “You figure it out between yourselves. I’ll let my sister know if you want to come.”

 Conchita got up to kiss Richard goodbye. He’d started seriously working in his father’s firm and would be for the whole summer. They all knew he hated it, but also that he didn’t really see what else to do: what Richard liked was taking pictures. But photography wasn’t exactly considered an appropriate career by the Elmsworths.

 Mabel let herself fall back on Conchita’s bed. The whole convent-for-summer-break idea wasn’t exactly appealing to her, as beautiful as the area might have been. But she soon learned the others felt differently. Jinny thought it might be nice to live differently for a little while; Lizzy thought she needed the quiet; Nan thought hiking in the French Alps couldn’t be anything but amazing.

 And just like that, they were off to France a month later. A promising shooting star in the beginning of August.

☆☆☆☆☆

            “I’m dying, I swear I’m dying, this is not for me,” Nan dramatically whined.

            “I swear to god Annabel, if I hear you moan one more time-” Jinny tried to slap her sister, but failed.

            “I thought you said it was on the right after the statue on the website,” Lizzy turned to Conchita, wiping away sweat on her forehead.

            “I know, I just- I have no signal-” Conchita desperately pointed her phone towards the sky like a wand, trying to somehow catch an internet connection.

 Mabel didn’t know for how long they’d been traveling, and wasn’t sure she was willing to even think about it. They’d taken a plane at 6pm last night, arriving to Paris from New York at 7am local time, only to then take a 5-hour train taking them down to Manosque, a small town in the south of France.

 At this point they were still very much alive. They’d eaten in a small restaurant next to a fountain, laughing so much they’d made other people smile, and walked around in streets with pale walls the color of the sun Mabel had fallen a little bit in love with. The owner of the restaurant had kindly agreed to take their suitcases for an hour, just so they could explore the small city. Lizzy had discovered a newfound passion for lavender-scented soaps, and they’d ended up eating ice cream, sat on the stairs of a closed church. They came back to get their suitcases with sticky fingers and delighted sun-kissed smiles.

 Mabel had thought that maybe, just maybe, that was all it took for them not to fall apart. The secret healing given out by paved streets and ice-creams in August.

 Except now, after somehow figuring out how to take the bus to the smaller town where the abbey was -Lizzy was the only one who spoke somewhat French, emphasis on somewhat- they were in the middle of a dirt path, and Mabel was regretting her city life.

            “What did that man say again?” Nan half-said half-whined.

            “I told you already,” Lizzy said, mildly exasperated as Jinny was sitting down on the side of the path in defeat and Conchita was turning around on herself more frantically by the second, “He said to take the path, turn right after the statue, just like the website said, and then up until we saw the abbey. It’s simple.”

            “Well maybe you didn’t catch everything,” Nan retorted.

            “Well maybe you could try and trust me, once in a while,” Lizzy snapped back.

 No one made any comment. Mabel was tempted to sit next to Jinny and hope for someone to just hear them, but she had a feeling that she wouldn’t be able to stand back up.

            “God help us,” she muttered between her teeth as she dragged her suitcase behind her, walking up the path.

 After a minute of dragging her suitcase behind her on the rising path, she regretted wishing for someone to hear them, because she heard rapid footsteps coming from the top of the hill. She turned around to the girls, and by the silence which fell on them, she guessed they’d all heard it. Now, Mabel wasn’t the type to get easily scared, but it was getting dark, and they were alone in the middle of nowhere, tired and disoriented.

 Anyways, looking back on it later, Mabel would recognize that they got a little too scared considering the circumstances.

 She dared to look back up the hill, feeling a bit like the dense forest on each side of the path was closing in on them -it was only the fatigue, she wasn’t being dramatic- only to see a young woman up the hill. She had a long white dress and long, straight blond hair. She looked like an adventurer. She looked like a forest elf. She looked like an angel washed in the leaves-filtered sun.

 Their eyes met. Mabel mouth opened to speak because that was what she was good at. She didn’t find anything worthy to say.

            “Honoria!” Conchita cried joyfully, and Mabel shook her head, not knowing what exactly it was she was shaking away.

 Conchita dropped her suitcase and ran up the hill, past Mabel to wrap Richard’s sister in a hug. Suddenly the angel moved and hugged Conchita back, albeit awkwardly, her face flushing a bright shade of red.

            “Hello,” her voice was solid like someone who’s forcing themselves not to stutter, “I did not expect you until tomorrow. Richard must have confused the dates.”

            “Oh shit!” Conchita laughed nervously, holding Honoria by the shoulders affectionately, “Is it okay?”

            “Of course,” she said confidently, nodding once. Her gaze drifted past Conchita, paused on Mabel and Mabel felt her body beat, beat, beat, “The Abbey is always happy to welcome new residents.”

 She placed a hand to her chest.

            “My name is Honoria. I am a novice at the Abbey. I assume you must be Conchita’s friends.”

 Her smile was sincere but her presentation was so clearly rehearsed Mabel ached. She’d always been comfortable in social situations, couldn’t imagine not being.

 Conchita didn’t seem to mind. Ever comfortable, she turned to them with a bright smile.

            “Yes! This is Jinny,” Jinny raised a tired hand along with an equally tired smile, “Nan, Jinny’s little sister,” Nan threw Honoria her brightest smile and Mabel knew she would’ve hugged her if she’d been higher up on the small hill, “Lizzy,” her sister nodded quietly at Honoria, which actually seemed to make the young woman more comfortable than bright smiles, “And Mabel, her little sister.”

 Honoria had blue eyes. Mabel didn’t say anything. There were crickets in the forest and no wind rocking the trees. Honoria had a mole right above her mouth. Mabel opened her mouth, not to talk -to breathe. The silence was deafening.

 Suddenly Lizzy was right there next to her and was loudly clearing her throat. It stirred her awake.

            “Huh, hi. Hello. I’m Mabel,” she extended her hand for Honoria to shake and she did, albeit hesitantly, and Mabel cringed internally at how strange she was being.

 Conchita threw her a heavy look, before clapping her hands and turning to Honoria.

            “Alright! Will you show us the way, sister?”

            “Please do,” Nan said, walking up to them, her suitcase heavy behind her, “We’ve been lost for an hour.”

            “You’re being dramatic,” Jinny said, raising an unimpressed eyebrow to her sister.

            “Of course,” Honoria simply said. She turned around and was about to start walking before she stopped, hesitant. She turned back, “And it’s- It’s not “sister,” yet. I’m only a novice.”

            “What should we call you, then?”

 Mabel knew opening her mouth again had been a mistake because Honoria looked at her again and breathing seemed impossible.

            “Honoria is fine.”

            “Okay. Honoria.”

 When Honoria turned back to lead them to the Abbey, Lizzy slapped Mabel’s arm, glancing at her with a frown. Mabel didn’t dare asking why. She knew.

Chapter Text

            “Damn Mabel. I’ve known you to be more subtle,” Was the first thing Conchita said when Honoria left them in the vast dormitory in which they would spend the next three weeks. She’d thought (rightly) that they had to rest before she showed them around the Abbey.

            “Wouldn’t have said it differently,” Nan agreed, letting herself fall to the bed, “God I’ve dreamed of this bed all day.”

 Lizzy looked at her with eyes that said I’m sorry but I agree, and Jinny snorted as she started opening her suitcase.

            “You’re all being impossible. I wasn’t-”

            “Oh, you were.”

            “Jinny!” Mabel felt betrayed but laughed, nonetheless. Surrendering, she let herself fall on one of the beds, “What can I say? She’s pretty. I like pretty girls.”

            “That you do,” Lizzy said.

            “I hate you,” she sat up in her bed, pointing to them, “Every single one of you, vultures.”

 Nan shrugged.

            “We’re just stating facts, honey.”

            “Just try not to fall in love with her,” Lizzy said.

            “I’d be more worried about Mabel giving Honoria the gay awakening of a lifetime,” Conchita retorted.

            “Wouldn’t be the first time she would do that,” Jinny added, not even looking up from her suitcase.

            “Are you all on a mission to ruin me?”

 There was a silence, and Lizzy was the first one to burst out laughing when she eventually locked eyes with her sister. Even Jinny stopped sorting out her suitcase to wipe away tears of laughter.

 Mabel loved this banter. She knew this was their way of reminding her that no, they didn’t see Mabel differently because she was a lesbian. Admitting it to them had been hard: she was sixteen and locked far, far away in the closet. Her sister had been the first one she’d told it to, and Lizzy had convinced her that the girls wouldn’t ever see Mabel differently. And indeed, they’d been nothing but accepting. Having them make jokes about the girls she liked was something she didn’t know she’d been missing before it had started happening. Finally, she felt like she could actually participate in their relationship discussions without pretending, without staying silent. Now, her relationships and crushes were something to joke, think, simply talk about.

 She let herself fall back on the bed, full to the brim with gratitude.

☆☆☆☆☆

 After half an hour of unpacking, resting, or loudly snoring (Nan was particularly tired, it made for a funny video) they got out of the dormitory. When they’d arrived, Honoria had led them to a tower that stood close to the Abbey and was attached to it. Their dormitory had six beds and took half the second floor. They came down to the first floor through a spiral staircase that made them giggle like children when Conchita started pretending she was Romeo, Mabel getting down on one knee at the foot of the stairs to be Juliet.

 She was halfway into her best tirade when Honoria all but appeared next to her. Mabel stumbled backwards and landed flat on her bottom. The girls failed to stifle their giggles as Mabel scrambled to her feet. Somehow, the fact that Honoria was pursing her lips made it worse. She didn’t know if it was because the young woman wanted to laugh or slap her.

            “Are you ready for the visit?”

  Her best friends giggled all the way to the main entrance of the Abbey.

☆☆☆☆☆

 The Abbey was huge, and beautiful in this way only an old house made of stones can be. The main entrance opened on a vast hall which had beautiful stairs leading up to the second floor. Hanging to the impossibly high ceiling was a chandelier, and when Mabel looked up, she saw the ceiling had been painted with scenes from the bible, angels singing and clouds of gold.

            “The Abbey has four buildings all connected to each other and two towers,” Honoria explained as she led them through a hallway, “You are staying in the Sainte Thérèse tower. The cloister, the church, the gardens are also accessible to you if you wish. The rest of the building is dedicated to the private apartments of the sisters. There is also a small shop where we sell our honey which you can access to if you want to buy some.”

            “You have bees here?” Nan asked with the excitement that always followed any mention of animals.

            “We do,” Honoria glanced at Nan over her shoulder, “We also have two cows, and a few goats. Sister Adelaïde takes care of them. She is always delighted to show them to the visitors.

            “Have nuns been living here for a long time?” Lizzy asked.

            “Since 1861.”

            “That’s not a long time,” Mabel said, more because she thought the building looked much older than 150 years old than out of provocation -but Honoria glanced at her as if she’d mocked her.

            “The Abbey was built in 1122. Originally.”

  Mabel didn’t say anything, only looked at Honoria’s eyes because she’d looked over her shoulder again. Her hair was covered by a white veil now, not like in the woods. She missed the gold of it, missed the wind in them. She drank the blue of her irises to forget about it.

 She is beautiful.

            “So,” Already Honoria wasn’t looking at her anymore, and Mabel shook her head because she was being ridiculous, “This way is the dining hall. You are welcome to take any meal with us. Some guests like to help with the cooking, or with the gardening. Come and dine with us tonight, the Mother Superior will tell you all about it. We dine at 7:30.”

            “That’s late!” Conchita exclaimed.

 Honoria smiled. Just slightly, just with her lips. It was the first smile Mabel saw on her face. She thought she was adorable.

            “It’s France,” she simply said, shrugging, “They eat later than Americans.”

            “You’re not American,” Mabel states, pushing back the need to clamp a hand on her mouth as soon as the words escaped it.

Mabel was interested in her and she was being as subtle as if this were her first rodeo. Besides, they all knew Honoria wasn’t American: she was Richard’s sister.

            “I am not,” Honoria nodded.

            “You’re English,” Conchita nodded to herself, “Just like Dickie, of course,” she threw an amused glance at Mabel, who only glared at her.

 Honoria smiled again at the mention of her brother. Mabel found it ridiculous, how it made her feel like she was catching a shooting star in one lucky glance.

Chapter Text

            “Do we really have to do this?” Mabel covered her face with her pillow, “For Christ’s sake, Lizzy, it’s 5 in the fucking morning!”

            “Stop taking the lord’s name in vain,” Jinny said, throwing her toothbrush at Mabel, “And go brush your teeth.”

            “Someone wake Nan up,” Conchita muttered from her bed.

 Mabel glanced at Nan, asleep in the bed next to hers. Her friend was lying across it like a starfish, legs and arms dangling from the mattress. Mabel leaned over to grab her leg and shake it.

            “Wake up, Nan, we’re going praying.”

 Conchita snorted. Lizzy and Jinny were walking about the room, much too awake considering the early hour. It was Jinny’s idea to go to the morning’s prayer, to show respects to the nuns. Now, Mabel knew this was a good thing to do. Was it making it easier to wake up? Absolutely not.

 Nan stirred when she felt Mabel wiggling her leg and she turned to her side, only to fall unceremoniously to the wooden floor with a groan.

☆☆☆☆☆

 Mabel was going to fall asleep. She was. It wasn’t helping that Nan was already sound asleep on Lizzy’s shoulder. Lizzy herself was dozing off; Mabel knew it because her sister kept jerking her head up at regular intervals like she’d been electrified.

 Jinny and Conchita seemed to be holding up, though. Jinny especially: she seemed captivated and strangely relaxed by the whole ceremony. They’d been sitting there for twenty minutes and not once had she looked at them. Her eyes were glued to the elderly nun reading a section of the bible.

 This morning ceremony, called the vigiles, seemed to consist exclusively of this: a reading of the bible. The nuns sitting in front of them were listening silently, hands clasped together as one of them read aloud. If she thought about it, especially when she was looking at Jinny, she could see how one could find this calming, appealing even. Jinny didn’t know any French: Mabel guessed the words weren’t what mattered. The ritual was.

 But she was shifting on her seat. This wasn’t for her.

 She looked for Honoria among the nuns. There were about thirty-five, maybe forty of them. Most of them had a black veil on, but Mabel spotted three white veils. The night before the nuns had explained to them that the color of the veil meant something: in their order, a novice’s was white, whereas a nun’s was black.

 One of the white veils got up among with a dozen of the black veils, and suddenly Honoria was standing in front of them. Mabel had not followed nor understood what the nun leading the prayer had been saying, but it didn’t matter because suddenly Honoria started to sing.

 Well, if Mabel was being honest, they all started to sing, really. Not just Honoria. It was a choir. A beautiful choir at that, but all Mabel could focus on was Honoria. She leaned over, grasping the prie-dieu in front of her as an anchor.

 What was it? The light veil among the dark? The 5am light, pouring through the stained-glass windows, pouring over her? Her mouth, all Mabel could focus on as if she were the only one singing? The hands clasped in front of her obediently? How her eyes were looking up, fixed somewhere on the high, high ceiling?

 When the singing stopped, Mabel was in a daze, absent-mindedly following Honoria with her eyes as the novice was walking back to her spot. Her mouth felt dry, and she kept flattening it against her palate. When they all rose to go, the scent incense was burning her throat, taking a strange, warm residence in the pit of her lungs.

☆☆☆☆☆

 After the ceremony, they all went to do separate things: Nan announced that she was going back to sleep until breakfast, which wasn’t until 8am; Jinny eagerly accepted to follow the nuns to help with the morning gardening; Conchita, Lizzy and Mabel were too tired to help but too awake to go back to sleep. They found a small bench overlooking the mountains next to the Sainte Thérèse tower.

            “This really wasn’t your worst idea,” Mabel said after a few minutes of sitting in silence, looking at the slow rising of the sun.

            “Are you saying this because Richard’s sister is your type?”

 Mabel shook her head, laughing softly.

            “I think we really needed this,” Lizzy stated, eyes glued to the mountains laying out in front of them, “Some time just us five.”

 Both Mabel and Conchita nodded.

            “Do you think Nan and you are gonna be okay?”

 It was a silly question to ask, but it left Mabel’s mouth anyway. She hated it, but the tension between Nan and her sister over the whole Theo/Guy ordeal made her scared like a little girl. Mabel liked change, she did. But she needed the steady heartbeat of their friendship. Maybe adventurous people could only afford to be so when they knew they had a permanent home to come back to.

 Lizzy shrugged.

            “I hope so. I don’t know. We had a talk, right after she found out about Theo and me,” she sighed, looked down at her hands, “I told her I thought she was completely over him, and she told me she was.”

 She let her head fall back against the stone of the tower, closing her eyes.

            “Still, I didn’t tell her Theo and I were a thing. I should have. I think that’s why she resents me.”

            “You should have, yeah,” Conchita nodded, “But Nan wasn’t a saint, either. She took it out on all of us even though we didn’t even know about it.”

            “There were never any secrets between us before,” Mabel quietly said, letting her head drop on Lizzy’s shoulder, “I wish we could- Go back to how it was.”

            “I think we have,” Conchita said confidently, glancing at them, “Honestly, the convent-for-summer-break plan had been in my head for a few weeks before I brought it up to you.”

            “Look at you,” Mabel said, smiling, “Making plans to rekindle our friendships!”

 Conchita smiled, but when she shrugged there was a hint of sadness in her eyes, a hint of uncertainty she rarely had.

            “At the worst of it, when Nan and Lizzy weren’t even talking to each other, I felt like all of this was my fault. I mean, you all met Theo and Guy at our wedding, so…”

            “Oh, quit it with the bullshit, Conch’” Lizzy said, smiling, “This was all our doing. Nan and I ruined it for ourselves like the mature adults that we are.”

 Their laughter was tainted was tainted with relief and maybe Conchita was right. Maybe they were on the right track.

            “I think she also resents you because she resents herself,” Mabel added after a while, Lizzy and Conchita turning to her, “I think she isn’t lying when she says she doesn’t have any feelings for Theo anymore, but… I think she still likes him a lot, as a friend at least. She didn’t want to make him suffer.”

 It had been painful to see Nan close herself off, little by little. Mabel could see her getting caught up in between Guy and Theo, trying to solve the mess that her feelings were by herself instead of seeking advice from her best friends. Mabel guessed that it was because she had wanted to be completely present for her sister, when they’d finally found out about what James was doing to Jinny.

            “She became selfless for Jinny, but it made her do selfish things,” Conchita quietly said, nodding to herself as if she was finally understanding something.

 They stayed silent for a minute or two after that, taking in the words and the rising sun. Mabel sat up and stretched, relishing the shy sound of the morning cicadas.

            “Do you think Jinny is going to be okay?” Lizzy suddenly asked, voice shy, eyes back on her hands.

 Lizzy and Jinny had grown closer after what had happened with James. Jinny and James’ relationship had been so sudden and intense even Conchita found it weird. James was a strange man: from the first time they met Mabel had thought he looked at people like he wanted to control them somehow. He was so different from Richard, his brother: much quieter. Not in a good way.

 Jinny had liked him right away, though. But when they’d gotten together, she wasn’t talking about him to the girls. They all knew something was amiss but couldn’t place a finger on it. When Nan had seen the bruises on her sister’s arm it was already too late.

 Lizzy had been the one who’d tried the most to get Jinny out of the relationship, even before they all knew about the bruises -after that, they’d all turned into an extraction team- and for a while, Jinny and Lizzy had grown apart because of it. When Jinny had found the courage to walk -or more so, run- away from the relationship, Lizzy had been there for her still. Because that’s what friends do: they forgive.

            “Of course she will Lizzy,” Conchita softly said, squeezing Lizzy’s shoulder.

            “We’re all here for her. You are here for her. She can only be okay.”

 Lizzy found back her smile, and they stayed there in silence until dawn was only a delicate memory.

Chapter Text

 The following day brought along with it the long-awaited hike in the French Alps and Nan was as excited as a five-year old child to the thought of a bouncing house. Mabel was decidedly less enthusiastic, especially when Honoria asked them if they wanted walking poles because what the fuck..

            “I always do an easy hike the first time, there is no need to worry," Honoria said when she saw the face she was making, "The walking poles are just,” she glanced to Nan and Jinny saluting each other like the musketeers with them, “Nice accessories.”

 Because the Abbey regularly hosted travelers who only slept here for a day or two or tourists coming to discover the region, the nuns organized hikes for the visitors. The day before, the Mother Superior had suggested Honoria take them hiking, which Honoria seemed happy to do. That was how they know found themselves in a minivan, Honoria taking them for a one-hour drive to where they would start their hike.

 Mabel was in the passenger seat -because of course she was, her best friends had made sure of that- and she found it strange, to see Honoria drive. Somehow, the thought of a nun -albeit nun to be- driving didn’t sit right with her. She’d always distantly pictured nuns living in a different time, without such things as cars.

 Honoria had insisted for them to take off early, which they had, even though the initial 6am departure had turned into a 7:30am one to the pleadings of both Conchita and Nan. Conchita because she was the one who knew Honoria enough to ask; Nan because she was too extroverted for her own good and cherished her sleep too much for it to be considered normal.

 So 7:30 it was. Behind her, the girls were talking animatedly, occasionally asking Honoria the name of the mountains and villages they were passing. Honoria knew every single one of them, French accent and all. Mabel wanted to talk, she did. She would have, if it had been any other nun: how had she become a nun? And since when? And why? And was it a vocation? And how was life? Was it peaceful?

 Somehow, she was afraid it’d sound much too personal if she asked them to Honoria. She was attracted to her, but you weren’t supposed to be attracted to a nun, and she didn’t want to come across as disrespectful. So, she shut her mouth. But that plan was leaving aside the fact Honoria herself began talking to her.

            “Richard told me you were planning on staying with us for three weeks,” she said, eyes not leaving the road and voice impossibly neutral, “Is this your plan still?”

            “It is,” Mabel dared to look at her, stopping her mind from dumbly chanting she is so beautiful, “Until the end of August.”

 Honoria nodded to herself. Once. It wasn’t the first time Mabel had seen her do that: she had a way of nodding as if she both agreed and steadied herself.

            “Have you known Conchita for long?”

            “Oh, yeah,” Mabel relaxed on her seat, gently tapping her fingers against the door, her arm relishing the nice outside air, “We've all known each other since, like, kindergarten. And I met your brother five years ago.”

            “When he did the exchange with Conchita’s high school,” she nodded to herself again. Conchita and Richard had met through a penpal program Conchita’s class had done with Richard’s class, “Richard always loved America.”

            “I think he loved Conchita first, to be honest.”

 That made Honoria smile. Mabel mirrored it without thinking.

            “Someone said my name?” Conchita appeared between them, a hand behind each of their seats.

            “We were talking about the early beginnings of your Romance with Richard,” Mabel said in a deliberately bad French accent.

            “Oh, yeah,” Conchita smiled to herself, that dreamy smile she always got when anyone mentioned her husband. She tapped Honoria’s shoulder, “That’s also when I met you! Remember when I went to you guys’ house, in England?”

            “Of course,” Honoria smiled again, “You put five cubes of sugar in your tea the first evening you spent with us.”

            “I will never live that down, will I?” Conchita let herself fall back in her seat.

            “You’re so American sometimes I wonder how you ended up marrying an Englishman,” Jinny pointed out.

            “Richard is not much of an Englishman,” Honoria said softly, “He’s always been more American at heart I believe.”

            “True,” Mabel admitted, smiling.

            “That is why you get along so well,” Honoria continued, glancing at Conchita through the rear-view mirror, “Richard is happy with you.”

 It was such a simple thing to say, yet the obvious sincerity in it made them all quiet down.

            “Thank you,” Conchita whispered after a while, right hand going to her chest like it did when she got emotional.

☆☆☆☆☆

 The hike started with a fifteen-minute chairlift and Mabel was afraid of heights.

 She almost said that no, she actually would stay there and wait, but the person in charge of it sort of pushed them all into two separate chairs, three of them on each, and up they went. As the ground grew farther and farther away, Mabel decided closing her yes was the most sensible decision, damned be the views.

            “Are you okay Mabel?” Lizzy asked from the other end of the chair.

            “Fine,” she gripped the rail harder and willed her mind to stop working.

 Next to her, Honoria had the kindness to stay silent, occasionally providing the girls with information on what they were seeing. Mabel tried to ignore that too, because it only reminded her of how high they were.

 Suddenly, the chairlift stopped, swishing a little as it did, and Mabel thought this was how she died, right here right now on a chairlift in the French Alps.

            “Shit oh my fucking god,” she grabbed everything there was to grab as if her life depended on it because it did, “Oh god oh god we’re going to die I’m gonna die this is how I die.”

 Her heart was beating out of her chest, her entire body was probably drenched in a cold sweat, and she was going to die. She grabbed harder, her knuckles turning white and her hands cramping. Lizzie was saying something but she couldn't hear over the white noise her ears had started making.

 When the chairlift started back up, she took a deep breath and slowly lessened her deathly grip. Her deathly grip on-

 In her right hand was the handrail. But her left hand was…

 That was Honoria’s skirt. She had a death grip on Honoria’s skirt. She looked up, meeting Honoria’s eyes. She didn’t seem offended. She didn’t look amused either, though. She looked-

 Mabel had to stop staring. She slowly released her skirt to put both hands on the rail.

            “Sorry,” she mumbled, her beating heart preventing any eloquence.

            “It’s okay,” Honoria nodded to herself.

 A lock of hair had escaped from her veil. Mabel's knuckles were white around the handrail.

☆☆☆☆☆

 Honoria hadn’t lied: the hike was easy. Apart from the fact that she was unsuccessfully trying to bury her shame, Mabel was unexpectedly enjoying herself.

 Honoria was an excellent guide, too: she clearly had done it many times. She knew the name of every tree and the answer to every single one of Nan’s bird questions (which mainly consisted of an overly delighted what’s the name of this bird??)

 As Honoria was leading them up a small, unmarked path, Mabel looked up. The sky was impossibly blue, a bird piercing through it like a diver in a shallow sea.

            “Is that an eagle?” She asked.

 Honoria smiled. She wasn’t mocking her but there was a glint of amusement in her eyes as she looked up, hand shielding her eyes from the sun.

            “It’s a kestrel. It’s a type of falcon.”

            “Come on Mabel,” Nan laughed, “That bird’s way too small to be an eagle.”

            “The common kestrel is actually one of the smallest falcons,” Honoria added.

 That made Conchita laugh. She gently tapped Honoria’s shoulder.

            “Come on Honoria, don’t overdo it. Poor Mabel barely knows the difference between a pigeon and a hen.”

            “Oh, I wasn’t-”

 Honoria’s words got lost through the rumble of laughter that shook the group. As they got to the top of the path, Mabel walked up to her.

            “Sorry,” she said, “I figured it wasn’t an eagle but honestly it’s the only large bird I know the name of.”

 Honoria looked at her for a second and suddenly, among the giggles of the other girls who were too occupied looking at the scenery laying out in front of them, she laughed. She laughed, and Mabel didn’t even think of smiling, mouth agape as she watched. Honoria’s cheekbones went up and showed when she smiled. It wasn’t a dimple. Mabel thought it was prettier.

            “Next time you can just ask,” Honoria said, and her eyes were so kindly amused Mabel felt herself lose her balance, just a little.

            “And sorry about the chairlift. I didn’t mean-”

 Honoria’s smile faded and she looked away.

            “No need to worry about it,” she said curtly.

 Her tone wasn’t unkind, but it didn’t bear any of its previous warmth either.

            “I’m afraid of heights,” Mabel provided, sitting down in the grass, “From up here it’s somewhat fine because we’re not at the edge of the mountain or anything but- uh- yeah. I get irrational.”

 The other girls were on the opposite side of the large grass-covered rock they were all perched on. For a while, Honoria didn’t say anything. Mabel didn’t blame herself as much, but she hoped she hadn’t made the nun uncomfortable.

            “I understand,” she said eventually, “We all have fears of our own.”

            “What are you afraid of?”

 Mabel looked up at her. Honoria was standing next to her, hands demurely clasped behind her back. The blonde looked at her with a startled expression. Mabel realized it was the sort of question one could decide to answer with something as light as spiders and something as deep as death. She felt foolish. So much for keeping her distance.

            “I used to be afraid of birds,” Honoria said, looking up at the sky as the kernel was flying back around, “Too unpredictable. Then I got to know them.”

 She glanced at Mabel. She still looked startled.

            “That was the antidote.”

Chapter Text

            “Guys,” Nan walked in their dormitory the next morning, having just come back from helping sister Adélaïde with her goats, “The nuns have bikes.”

 Jinny looked up from her crossword puzzle.

            “Why are you saying it like it’s surprising?”

 Nan shrugged, sitting on her sister’s bed.

            “Don’t know. Like- A nun on a bike?”

 Mabel snorted from her own bed, hiding behind her magazine when Jinny rolled her eyes at her.

            “What will we do with bikes, anyway? Isn’t the region a bit too hilly for that?”

            “Sister Adélaïde said there was a nice path that went all the way to the closest village.”

            “I’m in,” Conchita rose her hand from her bed, apparently not as asleep as Mabel had thought. Apart from Jinny, none of them had been brave enough to come back to the early morning mass.

            “Alright,” Mabel dropped her magazine to her side and got up.

            “Honestly guys I’m not sure if I still know how to ride a bike but I’m in too,” her sister said without closing her book.

 When Jinny didn’t say anything, Nan gave her her best puppy eyes.

            “Jinny? My favorite sister?”

            “I’m the only one you have.”

            “My darling darling Virginia?”

 Jinny rolled her eyes again but there was a ghost of a smile on her lips.

☆☆☆☆☆

 The Mother Superior was excessively happy to hear they wanted to take the bikes.

            “Do you know the way?” She said in a thick French accent.

            “Oh, we’ll look it up,” Conchita said as they got the bikes out.

            “Oh no! Not good,” she looked up, searching for the right words. She pointed to the sky, “The technical service- not good. No phones here. Not a lot.”

 Mabel realized that none of them had complained about the absence of reception in the Abbey. They had spent their time talking, laughing, gardening, hiking- Anything but going on their phones.

            “Honoria!” The Mother Superior called to the girl who was all the way to the other end of the garden.

 The Mother Superior was a small, kind looking woman. It didn’t stop her voice from carrying far, because a white veil popped up from behind a bush of raspberries. The older woman gestured for her to come.

 She said a few words to her in French, to which Honoria ended up nodding - albeit looking a bit surprised to - as the Mother Superior quite literally pushed her in their direction.

            “She take you,” the Mother Superior said with a big smile before walking away without any more explanations.

 Conchita and Nan quite literally squealed in delight, Nan happily hugging Honoria. The nun still looked desperately uncomfortable being hugged, but she gently tapped Nan’s back.

            “You’re coming with us?” Jinny asked, smiling.

            “I am. The Mother Superior told me you didn’t know which way to go exactly. She was afraid you would get lost.”

 Lizzy was smiling, too, clearly happy that Honoria was tagging along. Mabel had noticed them talking quite a lot during their hike. There was something similar in their attitudes – a quietness. But where Lizzy’s was comfortable and calm, Honoria’s was tempestuous – something in the way her eyes couldn’t seem to stop moving.

☆☆☆☆☆

 As it turned out, the weather was slightly too hot to ride a bike according to Mabel. It was only 10am and scorching hot. Lizzy had fallen – twice – and was still wobbling along the path on her bike. Mabel wondered how she hadn’t fallen again in the last fifteen minutes.

 Mabel thought they would have figured the way on their own, but everybody – including herself, even though she tried not to show it too much – was happy Honoria was riding along with them. The nun was at ease on a bike: Mabel had caught her peacefully closing her eyes, feeling the warm breeze against her face.

            “I wouldn’t have come if I had known about the bikes,” Lizzy panted from the back of the line.

            “Maybe you should try and get out to workout sometimes, instead of reading,” Mabel said from the front of the line.

            “Fuck off!” Lizzy half-panted half-whined.

 Next to her, Honoria smiled (and no, Mabel had not ridden all the way to the front to be next to her, she just happened to be comfortable with biking) and Mabel nearly planted her bike in the side ditch. Right behind her, she heard Conchita and Jinny giggle, but Honoria didn’t seem to notice.

(thankfully)

            “Do you and Richard get along?”

            “We do,” she nodded to herself. Mabel wondered how one could look so composed on a bike, “He was a good big brother.”

            “Do you miss him?” There she was again, personal questions coming out of her mouth. It didn’t usually bother her, but she was too interested in Honoria for her own good.

            “I do,” Honoria instantly said, and it surprised Mabel. By the way her eyes widened, the nun was surprised too.

 A beat. Mabel wanted to ask more. Never had someone drawn her in the way Honoria did. She wanted to learn the meaning of her silences, win over her smiles and name the strange, restless thing that her eyes carried. She wanted to feel if her hair was soft, know if their hands were the same size, touch her lips with her fingers. The thought made them tingle. She tightened her grip on the handlebars. Mabel Elmsworth, pull yourself together.

 She wanted, she wanted, she wanted.

            “Are you close with your family?”

 There was another silence. It made Mabel feel like it was only the two of them under those trees, far away from everything that existed. She cradled it somewhere in her stomach without meaning to.

            “Not really,” Honoria smiled then, let out a dismissive laugh, “My parents are…”

            “You don’t have to finish that sentence,” Mabel said with a smile, “Parents are a complicated species.”

 There was a second then, and she could feel Honoria looking at her. She pretended like it didn’t make her feel otherworldly.

            “And you know James,” she eventually said, and took a breath as if to say something else. Eventually, she spoke again, “He’s always been different. We’ve never been really close. I was afraid of him when we were children. If Richard hadn’t been there…”

 She didn’t finish her sentence. Mabel didn’t ask.

            “He was always a dangerous person,” she eventually breathed out. When Mabel glanced at her, she saw glass in her blue eyes.

            “I’m sorry.”

            “You have nothing to be sorry for,” and Honoria was smiling, the kind of smile that said not to take pity.

            “I know. But sometimes we need an apology, don’t you think?”

 The trees cleared, and suddenly the path became a paved one and they were entering the village. Honoria slowed her bike down. When they came to a stop, she finally looked at her.

            “Thank you.”

 Her eyes were burning Mabel’s, and Mabel wondered if she could go blind.

Chapter Text

            “I’m just saying- I don’t see why you’re still being weird about it.”

            “I’m not being weird,” Nan and Lizzy both said without missing a beat.

 Jinny and Mabel smiled. Conchita only scoffed.

            “See?!” She said, practically standing up from her chair, “What did I just say?”

 They were three drinks in at a restaurant they decided to have lunch in after their bike ride. The table was a mess of breadcrumbs and wine stains, with desserts yet to be finished and drinks yet to be emptied.

            “Look girls, you can be in denial for the rest of times for all I care, but I’m not letting you be weird around each other for one minute more. Your TIME has COME!”

 Well, Conchita probably had had five or six drinks.

            “Agreed. I swear to god, if I hear you perk up at the name Theo or Guy one more time…”

 Mabel had had five or six drinks too, actually.

            “They’re right. You have to do something about this. Because as far as I’m aware, this whole thing isn't actually a problem anymore, is it?”

 Jinny was sober. It made Mabel think Conchita and she were making some sense.

            “Seriously,” Jinny went on, turning to her sister, “Nan, you love Guy, right?”

 Nan nodded, looking away and crossing her arms as Lizzy, next to her, was harboring the exact same stance. Sometimes, Mabel thought it was no wonder they got along so well. Every group of friends had its duos. Lizzy and Nan had always been one of them.

            “Alright,” she turned to Lizzy, “And you love Theo.”

            “I do,” Lizzy quietly said.

            “And Nan, you don’t love Theo anymore? Not romantically, anyway?”

 Nan immediately nodded again.

            “Then for fuck’s sake,” Jinny said, throwing her arms in the air (maybe she had actually had a drink or two), “Stop acting like there’s a problem!”

 They all erupted in laughter, ever the victims of their own banter. When Mabel calmed down long enough to take a sip of her wine, she caught Honoria’s eyes. She hadn’t been laughing. Maybe the topic had made her uncomfortable. She felt a bit bad, but figured it wasn’t the worst they’d done, what with all their daily blasphemy.

            “You chose the right path being a nun, Honoria,” Nan said in a somewhat drunk toast, “Love sucks.”

 The corners of Honoria’s mouth went up, not enough for a smile, her eyes trailed to the tablecloth.

            “Is it something you miss?” Conchita suddenly asked.

The brief but unmistakable silence that followed was not long enough for Mabel to ignore her own desires and say to Conchita that maybe that was too personal of a question.

 Honoria shrugged.

            “Nothing to miss,” the nun took a sip of her wine, “Love is found elsewhere.”

 Suddenly she seemed at ease, a quiet confidence Mabel had not seen before. As if there was no eroding the rock of her own certainty, of the peace she’d made with her celibacy.

            “See, I think I would’ve made a great nun,” Mabel said to cut through the silence.

 And maybe because of the wine, too.

            “Why on earth-” Lizzy started.

            “You? A nun?” Jinny said at the same time.

            “If you’re a nun I’m the virgin Mary,” Conchita added while Nan just burst out laughing.

 Even Honoria was smiling.

            “Okay okay let me explain,” she sat up, waving her empty glass in front of her, “I have this theory-”

            “Do tell,” Jinny said in that characteristic tone she had when she knew the rest of the sentence would be unconvincing, all voice dropping and eyebrows arching.

            “- I have this theory that if I’d been born in, say, the 19^th century or earlier, I would’ve made a great nun.”

            “Why?”

 That was Honoria. Mabel could feel her eyes on her, but she hadn’t expected her to talk. The nun had her elbow on the table, cheek resting in her palm. Her eyes were sparkling with amusement, and somehow it made Mabel feel both silly and emboldened. She wanted to make her laugh.

            “Well,” she leaned in and held up her hand, locking eyes with Honoria because at that point she might as well be shameless, “First, being a nun before women’s rights were a thing was actually a good way to have some kind of independence. I could have learned how to read and write, maybe travel the world a little if I’d been a missionary.”

 When she heard noncommittal hums, she protested.

            “Oh come on! That’s no-” She turned to Honoria again, pointing at her with her glass, “Sister, am I speaking bullshit? I’m only listening to your opinion, I don’t believe these non-believers.”

 It made Honoria smile again, and Mabel did an internal victory dance. She couldn’t begin to try to start to attempt to understand why it was so important for her to make her smile. She was distantly aware of the girls giggling about the table.

            “You are quite correct, so far.”

            “See?” Mabel triumphantly tried to down her drink, only realizing there was nothing left in it.

            “Care to inform us of your other reasons?” Lizzy said next to her.

            “Oh, right,” she cleared her throat, held up a second finger, “I wouldn’t have had to get myself a husband,” she looked around the table, “Girls, for all we know we could’ve been shipped to England to find husbands, you know that’s what they did back then! New money versus old money, all that.”

            “Sometimes I wonder how you even know those things,” Lizzy said, rolling her eyes, “You haven’t opened a book since senior year.”

            “I wouldn’t have minded the English husband,” Conchita remarked.

            “Well of course you wouldn’t have!” Mabel said before turning back to Honoria. The nun was still looking at her and it made Mabel tingle inside, like a ridiculous teenager noticed by her crush, “Anyways, so no English husband which, admittedly, would’ve been my main reason for making a great nun.”

            “Why is him being English such a problem?” Honoria asked, frowning. Her eyebrows had a nice color. The same color as her hair.

 The question made her best friends laugh again in anticipation, her sister pinching the bridge of her nose in an indubitably amused annoyance. Next to her, Nan choked on her drink.

            “Oh, the English part is not the problem,” Mabel said, leaning over the table to grab a piece of bread from the other end of it, “I love the English.”

            “Oh my god,” she heard Lizzy breath out next to her.

 Thankfully, Honoria still seemed confused.

            “No,” she took a bite from her bread, swallowed, cocked her head as her eyes met Honoria’s again, “It’s the ‘husband’ part that’s a problem from me.”

            “You do not wish to get married then?” When she was confused, she narrowed her eyes and there was a tension just above her left eyebrow.

 Mabel had to stop staring.

            “No, I do – Just not to a man.”

  Now, Mabel knew her friends had all seen it coming since the beginning of the conversation. But it still made them laugh, the kind of laughter Lizzy would’ve wanted to stop, the kind of laughter Conchita loved, the kind of laughter Jinny rolled her eyes to. Mabel was certain of one talent in life: the more ridiculous her antics, the funniest.

            “Oh,” Honoria simply said, a pretty red coloring her cheeks.

            “Yeah,” Mabel sighed dramatically as she poured herself water, “I know. Tragic.”

 Honoria looked at her quizzically.

            “I didn’t mean to-”

            “I’m joking,” she went to squeeze her hand reassuringly over the table and grabbed another piece of bread instead before doing something inappropriate, “I mean, not about the ‘no husband’ part. About the tragedy.”

            “Still,” Nan said, frowning in thought, “Good cover, don’t you think?”

            “I guess,” Conchita said, “Sounds a bit like a fantasy novel but why not?”

            “Guys,” Jinny said, gesturing to Honoria, “Be respectful!”

            “Oh,” Honoria said again, and Mabel couldn’t help her eyes when they followed the curve of her eyebrows when she said it, “It’s quite alright. You are not being disrespectful in the slightest.”

            “Well. Glad to know my theories are being appreciated,” Mabel said before popping her last piece of bread in her mouth.

Chapter Text

  Cries of joy filled the woods. Because the Abbey was tucked in the middle of the mountains, the way back was mostly down. Nan, Jinny and Mabel raced each other down a slope. Mabel almost hit a tree and understood why Honoria had told them to be careful and why Lizzy had been yelling at her this whole time.

 She still ended up on the ground with her hair covered in leaves. It made both Nan and Jinny laugh.

            “Girls! I mean, Nan I’m not surprised but Jinny? What are all those morning masses for if it doesn’t improve your lack of empathy?”

 It only made Jinny laugh harder, and soon enough she was on the ground herself, looking like a little girl with the back of her long dress covered in dust.

            “Are you all okay?” Honoria swiftly appeared next to them, followed by a hesitant Lizzy who was trying hard not to fall off her bike, as well as an already laughing Conchita.

            “Mabel!” Lizzy exclaimed, “You scraped your knee!”

 She looked down at her leg. Mabel hadn’t scratched her knee since 4^th Grade. It was bad, too, and now that she was looking at it, it did hurt a little.

            “Oops?”

 Jinny only laughed harder.

☆☆☆☆☆

 By the time they came back to the Abbey, the sun was slowly starting to set. It cast a gentle glow on their faces.

 Mabel’s knee was covered in blood, the wound opened just enough for it to look repelling to Conchita, who couldn’t bear to look at Mabel’s leg until the girl “got this shit cleaned”. Mabel didn’t mind the sight of blood, but the sight of her own upturned skin did make her a little uncomfortable.

 When they put the bikes away, Honoria said she would show her to their infirmary.

            “What do you have an infirmary for?” Mabel asked, limping a little as they were headed to the other tower. It was much smaller than the one they were staying it.

 The corners of Honoria’s mouth shifted and she glanced at Mabel.

            “Nuns get hurt too.”

            “Do they? And here I was – Thinking you were all immortal angels.”

 It made Honoria chuckle and Mabel thought that maybe it wasn’t so complicated to make her laugh. She felt happy. She felt silly to feel happy. She shook her head to herself as they came towards the other, smaller tower of the abbey. Once inside, Honoria led her to a small room with a single bed and a large cabinet.

            “Sit there,” Honoria said as she opened the cabinet, and Mabel was happy to comply. Her knee felt like fire.

 When Honoria pulled out a stool and sat directly in front her, Mabel frowned.

            “It’s fine I can do it myself,” she said as Honoria expertly dabbed alcohol onto a cotton pad.

            “Nonsense,” Honoria softly said before she glanced at Mabel with a look that could only be described as judgemental, “You look like you would soak your knee in alcohol.”

            “Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do?”

 Honoria smiled again, and Mabel could tell she was amused, and if she had to be a bit stupid for her to smile, she found that she would leave her brains at the door any day.

            “No. We are just cleaning it.”

 And then, Honoria gently grabbed the back of her calf and pulled Mabel’s leg to her.

 She thought maybe she should have worn jeans instead of shorts; she thought maybe she should have been careful down that slope; she thought maybe she should have stayed in her room this morning; she thought maybe she should have never came to this convent in the first place.

 Just so she didn’t lay eyes on Honoria; Just so she didn’t know what her hand felt like on the bare skin of her leg, like a thousand little exquisite deaths; Just so she didn’t know there was a possibility, here on this earth in her lifetime, for her heart to be put through a quarter of the whirlwind it was being subjected to.

 Mabel stared at her as if she’d committed a crime because it certainly tasted like it in her mouth, but Honoria seemed unfazed. Before she could take a breath, she was already cutting out a band aid, carefully sticking it to Mabel knee.

            “You look like you’ve done this all your life,” Mabel said, because she had to make something – anything – work in her body again.

 Honoria shrugged as she placed the alcohol, cotton pads and band aids back in a box and rose to store it back in the cupboard, withdrawing from Mabel with the innocence of someone who doesn’t know they just shattered an existence with their touch.

            “I went to medical school for two and a half years,” Honoria said, and Mabel cradled the information in her open palms, “Learned some things.”

 She turned around then, and she could tell Honoria was expecting them to leave the room. But Mabel wouldn’t let them.

            “You wanted to become a doctor?”

 Something passed in Honoria eyes, clear enough Mabel recognized it as hesitation. The nun leaned back against the wall. She shook her head.

            “No. My –” the hesitation again. But Honoria wasn’t giving Mabel enough time to tell her she didn’t have to talk about it if she didn’t want to, “My parents wanted me to become a doctor. Or rather, they did not want to see me do something remotely close to a literature degree.”

            “Is it what you wanted to do?”

 Honoria nodded. Once.

            “So, you figured, fuck off, Mother and Father, I’ll go read the bible whether you want it or not if that’s the only book I’ll have?”

 A beat. Maybe that was going a bit too far. Mabel was known for going too far, after all – she’d always been poor at maintaining serious, vulnerable conversations. The only tension she was good at was the sexual one.

 But Honoria’s eyes filled with mirth, and the laughter that filled the room had a surprised quality to it: as if she hadn’t expected Mabel to make a joke about her parents so freely. As if she didn’t mind it.

            “Apologies,” Mabel said without being sorry, “You parents are actually very intimidating, I’m this close to turning around to see if your mom’s right here behind me.”

 It made Honoria laugh harder, more than she thought it would, and Mabel knew the laugh she managed to choke out was breathless, because Honoria – Honoria was so pretty when she laughed.

Chapter Text

            “So...”

            “Don’t.”

            “What? I didn’t say anything.”

 Mabel looked at her sister. Lizzy’s lips were spread in what could only be described as a shit-eating grin.

 They were walking along one of the longest hallways, the one leading to the dining hall. The rest of the girls had already gone off to eat, too hungry to wait for Mabel. Unsurprisingly, Lizzy had waited for her.

            “Is your knee okay?”

            “My knee is perfectly fine, thank you.”

 A beat. Mabel just knew Lizzy wanted to say more.

            “Did Honoria-”

            “Honoria didn’t do anything. Or- well-” Mabel felt her face heat up. She hadn’t blushed since 1886.

            “What happened?” Lizzy sounded much too excited.

            “Well,” Mabel cleared her throat, “She helped me. With my knee. Bandaged it and all.”

 Mabel tried to sound dignified. She knew she was failing. Prodigiously.

            “Couldn’t you do it yourself?”

            “I could! Or well- I would have but she went to med school.”

            “I don’t see where you’re going with that.”

            “She said she’d do it. Because she does it well. Actually, she said she’d do it because I looked like I would be shit at it.”

 One of Lizzy’s long, perfect eyebrows raised.

            “It’s true! Don’t look at me like that.”

 Lizzy continued to look at her. After a minute of them walking in silence, Mabel couldn’t take it anymore.

            “She touched my leg!” she said in an urgent whisper, “Like, fully grabbed my calf!”

 Lizzy snorted.

            “Really! I don’t know what happened it just- She didn’t think anything of it I guess but- God I thought I was gonna die.”

            “Nothing less, huh?”

            “She’s just- It was-”

 She realized she didn’t know what else to say. It was unusual. She felt Honoria’s fingers against her skin, the pressure of it, the warmth. She saw her face, and heard the buzzing of her own ears.

 They had stopped walking. Lizzy was looking at her curiously, a small, amused smile on her face, her dark eyes ever attentive, like they knew how to be.

            “I’m a lost cause,” Mabel eventually said rolling her eyes as they resumed walking, “Seriously. Crushing on a nun…”

☆☆☆☆☆

            “I knew you couldn’t have made it clean like that,” Conchita fell on Mabel’s bed, eyes glinting in excitement, nothing good, “Tell me everything.”

 It was Jinny who’d started it all. She’d remarked that the formerly bleeding bruise on Mabel’s knee had been “surprisingly well cleaned” for Mabel’s standards. Which, okay, but she was a bit offended. Conchita, who still hadn’t dared looking at the wound as if it were going to jump her, had picked up on it and made the same remark.

 Except it was Conchita, so she’d asked Mabel if Honoria had done it for her. And Mabel was a good liar, but Conchita smelled this sort of thing a mile away, and she’d never been good at lying to Conchita.

            “She did it for you, didn’t she? Oh my god she did,” Conchita squealed excitedly, jumping on Mabel’s bed, “She sure knows how to use her medical school skills.”

            “She is a nun, Conchita,” Jinny said from her bed, “Respect her a little bit, she doesn’t think of Mabel like that.”

 Conchita rolled her eyes.

            “Mabel does, though.”

            “I don’t.”

 They all turned to her, including Jinny, insistent as one inquisitive body.

            “I only think pure thoughts, ladies. I am not crushing on her.”

 The inquisitive beast collectively raised their eyebrows.

            “I am not.”

Chapter Text

 Rosalía was gracing Nan’s speakers. It stood in the middle of their dormitory, and Mabel thought with a smile that these old stone walls had probably never known such music.

 Today, they were all going to a mountain lake – Honoria had mentioned it in passing during their hike, and ever since Conchita and Nan had been trying to coax the nun into bringing them there. Mabel was all for it, too: the days had been getting progressively warmer as the week progressed. They were already nearing the end of their first week, and she was getting tired of constantly feeling remotely sweaty.

 So, Rosalía was gracing the speakers as they all got into bathing suits, exchanged sunscreens and prayed not to have forgotten to pack an extra towel.

(Mabel had forgotten. But she’d decided to be dignified about it and counted on the heat to dry her.)

            “Are we going yet?” she groaned from the only armchair in the room, where she sat backwards, head thrown back and dangling, her brown hair sweeping the floor.

            “Ask Jinny,” Conchita said.

            “Ask Nan,” Jinny said.

            “Ask your sister,” Nan said.

            “I’m hurrying!” Lizzy shouted from the bathroom.

            “Remember there’s no point putting on makeup,” Mabel threw her arms, “We’re going swimming, dude.”

            “I don’t swim, anyway.”

 Mabel rolled her eyes. Lizzy was the least athletic person she’d ever met. By far. A day at the beach for her consisted - at best - in her toes dipping in the water before retrieving under an umbrella for hours to read. Mabel had always been the one who spent her hours playing in the sea with her nose in the water, not in a book.

            “Alright,” Mabel rolled off the armchair, thereby unceremoniously letting herself fall to the floor. She got up, dusted herself off and put her phone in the pocket of her shorts, “Ready or not, I’m going down. See you downstairs.”

 When she stepped out, Mabel regretted not staying longer inside, protected from the heat by the thick stone walls. She wore her smallest crop top (because according to Lizzy, you apparently could not walk around in just a bikini top) but was still feeling much too warm to her taste.

            “Are you ready for the hike?”

  Honoria all but appeared beside her.

            “God, aren’t you hot in that?” She said before she could think about it when seeing Honoria in her usual habit, “Sorry about the blasphemy. But uh- Yeah. Aren’t you uncomfortable?”

 Honoria only titled her head to the side, unfazed by Mabel’s words.

            “There are different types of undergarments. The habit itself is quite light.”

            “Ah,” Mabel’s throat suddenly felt dry, which she did not think possible upon hearing the word ‘undergarments,’ but wise people changed their minds she supposed. “Cool. I mean, yeah. Good. Nice.”

 See, the problem was this: Mabel took pride in being one excellent flirt. But here she was, dying to flirt with a nun. Mabel deemed herself respectful enough to set boundaries to her foolishness. It left her with a stupid aporia in her hands.

            “Are you alright?” Honoria asked with genuine concern in her voice, and it made Mabel blush.

            “Fine. Just hot. It’s hot today.”

            “It is a good thing for us to go to the lake then. You shall feel better.”

 She talked like a book, and the British accent didn’t help. It made her feel lightheaded. It would have been in a good way, if Honoria hadn’t been so impossibly unavailable.

☆☆☆☆☆

            “LAST IN THE WATER PAYS HER ROUND WHEN WE GO OUT!”

 Mabel had already been in the water for a good ten minutes when they all ran to the water, Nan getting there first because she’d been the one shouting. Mabel reclined against a rock with a smile.

 Lizzy, without any real surprise on anyone’s part, didn’t even attempt to get into the water, and waved her hand dismissively, saying she’d rather stay on the sand with Honoria. Honoria, who’d been watching them from the small beach, hugging her knees and looking at ease, just like she had the first time she’d taken them to the mountains.

            “Quit looking.”

 Conchita got out of the water to sit on the rock Mabel was leaning on. She looked up at her.

            “Sorry,” she winced.

            “You’ve done unavailable before, but this is next level,” Conchita smiled, patting the top of her friend’s head.

            “I know,” Mabel sighed, letting herself sink deeper into the cold water. “It’s just a silly crush. It’ll pass.”

            “Sure it will,” Conchita shrugged, “But you still got two weeks of pining ahead of you sweetie.”

 Mabel’s only answer was to get nose deep into the lake and blow bubbles of despair into the water. She looked up – not at Honoria – to see Jinny and Nan pushing each other in the water, half-screaming half-laughing at each other. Behind them, she saw Lizzy engaged in what appeared to be an animated conversation with Honoria. She looked up, her eyes landing on Conchita, stretched out on the rock like a mermaid bathing in the sun.

 Who knew it’d only take a week in the mountains to make everything fall back into place?

☆☆☆☆☆

 When Mabel got out of the water, the girls were already out already, lying on their beach towels. Conchita looked at her above her large sunglasses.

            “You know Mabel, I’m not sure I’ll ever get over that body God gave you.”

 Mabel took a dramatic pose, which made the girls laugh and Conchita whistle like a hormonal teenager.

            “I’m not sure God had anything to do with it,” Mabel said, crouching so that her butt did not touch the sand, “But thanks, Conchie.”

            “Mabel…” Lizzy said, frowning, “Did you not take a towel?”

            “I may or may not have forgotten about it,” Mabel admitted, “But look!” She made a show of standing up and crouching down again, “I can just exercise.”

 Lizzy rolled her eyes.

            “Just come and sit next to me.”

            “Thanks mom.”

 The exact moment when Mabel noticed Honoria was looking at her was when she sat next to her sister. Honoria was not next to her – she sat in front of her, her back to the lake, in front of the mountains. Mabel felt her ears ring, and she swallowed the nothingness of her mouth. Honoria was still looking. Mabel couldn’t see Honoria’s eyes.

 That was because Honoria was looking at her body, not her face.

            “Right Honoria?”

 The nun practically jumped, abruptly turning to Nan, who’d just spoken.

            “I beg your pardon?”

 It was some question about the Abbey Mabel didn’t care about, not when Honoria was right in front of her, the burn of her eyes still searing on her skin. She swallowed again, and nervously tapped her knee. She would have loved for anyone she was attracted to to look at her like that – but not her. What was Mabel supposed to do if Honoria started looking at her like that?

 She looked around and saw that none of the girls seemed to have picked up on it. Maybe she could just ignore it.

 Honoria didn’t look at her once for the rest of the day. Mabel knew, because she only looked at her for the rest of the day.