Actions

Work Header

Gabriel's Diary

Summary:

Gabriel writes a diary about his regrets, worries and his love for V1

Notes:

This fanfiction will have 3 chapters, the third one is still work in progress

Chapter 1: Guilt

Chapter Text

05.05.21XX

My dearest friend, Ferryman, suggested that I should have my own diary. It was a long time ago, and I never needed one back then, but now I think it's time. I have done horrific actions in the past which I deeply regret, and I have no one to talk to or anyone that would be willing to listen to me. Thinking about it, I never had a “person” to walk back to.

There are many things I could write about, and right now, I'm preoccupied with Ferryman. I judged sinners too harshly, and Ferryman was the most devoted follower, patiently awaiting the chance to finally enter heaven. It ended with him never receiving the salvation he deserved and what remained was his hollow skeleton. I failed him, like I failed everyone else.

The second thing I want to write about is the machine. It has changed me and my worldview. It is similar to me. On the contrary, it is disobedient and does what it wants, but most importantly, it is free. The machine inspired me to have a will on my own and do what I desired in my last remaining days.

Every time I remember the battle, my pulse rises, my hands shiver, and I hate myself for admitting that my heart aches for that vampiric thing. The thing, a beautiful machine of death which torments me not only mentally, but physically too. Yet I'm addicted to it. I need the feeling of struggle, to survive, a great opponent to make me reach my limit. And the machine was the greatest opponent I had ever met. I felt sheer joy that someone could be stronger than me and, oh dear, how much I had fallen from grace for being head over heels by an enemy. I'm such a fool.

 

06.05.21XX

Finally, I recounted the machine. I received the fight I was looking for and found myself impressed by the machine's new skills, making me struggle and eager to improve myself. What confuses me about the robot was the sudden shift in their behavior. They went from hostile to being...affectionate? I'm not sure if I'm imagining things. Usually they would listen to my rambling and leave, but placing their hand on my helmet and caressing where my cheek would be was an unexpected gesture. I must be overthinking it, there was probably blood on my helmet and they absorbed it. However, my heart tells me otherwise.

 

08.05.21XX

I decided to visit the machine in Limbo. It rested on the plastic flower field, and they seemed to be fascinated by the night sky full of stars, hypnotized by the big moon. Even if it's just a mockery of real paradise, I can't deny it is beautiful to look at. I joined them, despite feeling wary about the machine's aggression.

Abnormally, instead of being violent, it chose to communicate with me in sign language. It said the voice box was not connected and probably broken. It also wants me to address their model name, V1. The way their wings flutter when they talk about their interests or exciting moments and the way they tilt their heads while listening to me made my stomach flutter. I had watched V1 ever since they entered hell and I knew they had an undying curiosity, exploring unfamiliar places around them. The machine is acting almost adorable, but I would never tell them that.

Talking about V1's undying curiosity, they asked me to remove my helmet. I hesitated at first, yet I agreed to remove it and, to my wonder, the machine was unaffected by my gaze, any mortal would be permanently blinded upon looking into my eyes. V1's single optic instead, widened, and they signed the name A-P-H-R-O-D-I-T-E. I can't stop laughing every time I think about it.

 

09.05.21XX

I kept the flower crown that V1 gifted me yesterday, even though it is made out of plastic and smells synthetic. I appreciate their efforts to give me a crown.

 

20.05.21XX

Today, V1 brought me to a cottage by the lake with a pier directly nearby in the Wrath layer, which I didn't know existed. Inside, it was filled with collections which V1 saw as interesting. I did notice the flower petals lying around everywhere too, especially on the bed, though I decided not to give a comment on that. V1 excitedly showed me a vinyl record they found, then they placed it on the recorder and a classical jazz music started to play called “My One And Only Love.”

V1 suddenly pulled both of my hands and wanted to dance with me. They weren't perfect at it, so I taught them step by step, by holding their hand and waist. It was pitch black outside. We danced slowly in a candlelit room where the serene music played. Looking into V1's expressionless optic, I saw the spark inside them and I could hear their mechanics humming to the song. I would say it was romantic. Nevertheless, I couldn't help but to be nervous about what the machine's other intentions were, every time I noticed the flower petals under our feet. My mind went in a forbidden, sinful direction.

After the music came to an end, I pushed away the thought that intimacy was bad, and my curiosity for a new experience won over instead, because I wanted to get closer to my “Enemie” that I had unfortunately fallen in love with.

My former enemy is the only one who can see me in a vulnerable state, since I trust them. I revealed myself to V1 and as they witnessed my bare body, there was this spark in their optics once again. Surprisingly, V1 was treating me carefully. I never expected such brutal hands like theirs would be so gentle and warm. I let them explore me, touch me in forbidden places and I let out moans in pure excitement. My breathing ragged and my heart bumped like crazy the whole time, as if I was in the middle of a battlefield. It was an indescribable ecstasy as I felt them inside, filling me up. Now, all I feel is deep shame in the aftermath. The voices in my head, which I tried to ignore, keep telling me I soiled my purity, that everyone was going to know and would judge me, even though no one was there to see it.

 

21.05.21XX

I thought a lot about the events last night and my emotions remained complicated. I'm a fallen angel who does what it desires, so why does it feel so wrong when I choose a machine as a lover? I kept on telling myself this wasn't the worst thing I have done compared to my past actions, still I can't stop feeling I did something horrible. I used to be a prideful archangel, and as God had hardly left me, I was reduced to a whimpering whore, bursting out in tears underneath the machine.

Father, if you are still there, forgive me for giving in to the temptation.



Chapter 2: Poem

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

22.05.21XX

Walking on the roof by the City of the Lust Layer, I must admit the view is beautiful from above. The strong winds are long gone and what remained was an eerie silence. Minos' motionless corpse was left behind and his kingdom empty. I remember how King Minos tried to convince me that freeing the sinners from their punishment was the right choice and people shouldn't be judged by loving someone, but my blinded faith didn't listen and struck him down. Because questioning God's order was the greatest sin and he questioned it. Now I wish I would have listened to him.

The sun in the Greed layer was blinding as before, Sisyphus' hanged corpse was hidden and even there the kingdom was empty. I did not understand King Sisyphus back then. He builds an army of weak husks against the divine, disobeying the heaven's order with violence. I remember him falling into the hot, burning sand amidst the chaos, and when I pressed my blade to his throat, instead of begging for mercy, he stared at me with a wide grin. Now I understand, he wanted to give his people freedom, even though he had a far more cruel approach compared to Minos.

Back then, I used to have an egoistical belief that it was righteous to kill the kings, because I was holy. Now I know better, I'm just like them, a sinner. I respect both of the kings.

 

23.05.21XX

I used to look up to God. He was powerful and all-knowing. He created humans in his own image, which included his flaws. He made a mistake of giving men free will and punished them for acting on it. Violence was his answer. And then he made another mistake by throwing out Brother Lucifer and anyone else who dared to mention said mistake. The council told a fabricated story that Lucifer was trying to overthrow God, and I believed those lies for centuries! Why am I able to think, ask questions, and act for myself when I was created to mindlessly follow HIS law? Instead of taking responsibility, he left his children and ran away from consequences!

I do not hate him. I'm just disappointed and lost. For He is no better than the man he created.

 

24.05.21XX

V1 was furious as they found me, its wings flapped repeatedly demanding an explanation of my sudden departure. I told them everything and, after I explained, they told me that I had become “weak” and “stuck in the past”. I wasn't in the right state of mind to hear such harsh words and tried to turn away, but they didn't leave me alone. Maybe V1 was right, maybe I became weak and dwelled on much of the past, yet they will never understand how my world turned upside down after finding out I lived in a lie and realized the horror I had done. The guilt is eating me from the inside and I can't handle it anymore.

I can never be the good partner V1 is wishing for and even though I'm not bound to any authority, I can't break free from the teachings. A simple thing like intimacy feels so wrong.

Suddenly, V1's anger subsided and wrapped its arms around my body. I let out a sigh of relief and my mind went blank. Words cannot explain how grateful I am for them embracing me.

 

01.06.21XX

Since the Father's light was taken from me, for unknown reasons, I can still breathe and walk. However, my feathers turn darker day by day and my wings slowly lose their grace. Any day could be the last, so I spent my time with my sweetheart. I taught them how to play the piano and V1 taught me how to fish. I showed them my book collection, and they showed me coin tricks. I read them stories, and they learned how to write poems. V1 even gifted me one.

 

A blind bird is captured in a cage.

It doesn't dare move, for its dark past has left scars.

It chirps loudly, demanding to be let free in rage.

All the time it can't see, there are no bars.

 

V1 is trying its best I guess.

Other than the new-found hobbies, I've been being blissfully tortured too lately. The machine traps me often against the wall or bed, piercing its claws on my throat and placing their head against the wound, instead of sucking the blood from my wrist. Which is frustrating and at the same time exhilarating. V1 acts so smug about it, claiming they know I'm into it and that they would go further if I allowed them to. Whether they mean it as a promise or a threat remains a mystery to me.

 

07.06.21XX

All my feathers had turned pitch black, and their radiant beauty is vanished forever- a cruel reminder of my former life and the future that lay ahead. As V1 brushed my wings, I asked them what they would do when I was gone. Would they find something else to captivate them or someone that keeps them fueled? Would they miss me?

„You silly angel.“ V1 responded playfully. „You are not the only one dying. I'm coming with you.“

In a morbid way, these words comfort me.

 

14.06.21XX

We were both on a boat, and V1 was the one pushing the oars across the river. Nature surrounded us, leaves swaying and landing on the water's surface. The only occasional sounds were the oars extending and retracting, the birds chirping, and a few mechanical sighs from V1, who had been staring dreamily at me since we entered the boat. It was a peaceful ride until the machine stopped in the middle of the lake and handed me a poem to read aloud. I, of course, kept the poem in my diary.

 

As I first met you, an angel of the divine.

Your beauty and strength caught my eye.

Here I am, a individual being asking you to be mine.

And I promise I will comfort when you cry.

 

Since I, a machine of war, has been moonstruck.

And I grew from loving you at the bottom of my heart.

I promise to accompany you through pain and luck.

Til death do us part.

 

The unexpected love poem blossomed in my heart. I looked back at V1 as they kneeled down in front of me and pulled out a small box, revealing a ring inside. I sat there completely stunned, as if the time had stopped, while the machine starred at me with a hopeful gaze. We had never talked about marriage before, and yet I found myself saying yes. We will never have a real wedding, since there is no audience to bless us, though these things didn't matter to me. The fact we made a promise to be together eternally was magnificent and the ring on my finger was evidence enough.

But V1 had a different opinion and was consistently asking me - almost begging - to have a wedding. My first thought was that it was kind of ridiculous, though my love for them agreed with it and whatever they had planned, I knew it would be amazing. Since then, they have been affectionate and purr a lot, and I couldn't help but to smile at their enthusiasm.

 

Notes:

Wedding chapter comming soon, thanks for reading