Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Recently, I have been plagued by several feelings that have been stirring within but I can't put a finger on. I was able to trace when these feelings arise, and found that they usually occur whenever I am in Rui's presence.

In order to better understand and trace the reasons behind these feelings, I will be keeping track of these occurrences in this diary for recordkeeping purposes.

As of this writing (January 24th, 16XY), I am aware of the following symptoms:

• Heart palpitations (often when seeing him smile, but not all the time. Needs more evidence.)
• Unusually high levels of happiness (often when seeing Rui in my office. Because it's him? Because his reports are usually intriguing? Needs investigation)
• Mild nervousness (unable to keep track of when exactly so far. Occurs with various people)

According to an old medical tome, the above symptoms along with many others are indicative of possible end-stage cancers. Owing to the dubious accuracy of self-diagnosis (and my horrendous track record thus far with self-medication) I have opted instead to continue observing these unusual symptoms until I can find a conclusive answer.

Chapter Text

Observed symptoms: palpitations, accidental smiling

Rui dropped by today to submit a report on an experiment he had been working on for the past week.

I haven't actually read the report since he'd only just left, but while watching him report his findings, he began to smile the longer he rambled. He became a lot more animated than he usually was. It must have been something he really enjoyed.

Based on this, it's likely that his excitement was simply contagious. It's rare for him talk at length like that, so that might have made this moment even more (several ink blotches dot the page here)

important? precious? Maybe this is the word.

I'm glad that I started this diary. It's not something I want to forget.

Chapter Text

Observed symptoms: breath hitching, loss of words, mouth freezing in place

It rained while we were out surveying the forest.

Unfortunately, neither Rui nor I came prepared with an umbrella. We sought shelter under a large (oak? Or perhaps it was a beech?) tree, but we were already drenched thoroughly by then.

While waiting for the rain to let up, I faced the other way and started taking off my shirt and waistcoat since it was getting uncomfortable. I heard Rui curse under his breath and sneeze, so I turned around to check in on him.

Since it was pretty cold, his fingers were trembling and he was struggling to get a proper hold on the buttons to undo them. He was only halfway down his shirt when he let out another sneeze.

It would be bad if he caught a cold because of this, so I approached him to help him unbutton his shirt. Rui quickly withdrew his hands when our fingers brushed against each other. After I was done, he thanked me in a soft voice and I nodded in kind, turning away so that he could take his shirt off with some privacy.

We waited a little longer in silence after that and as the rain got heavier, Rui took a few steps closer to the middle of the tree's shade so that the stray sprays of rain wouldn't hit him. That was when I realised that he was shivering.

I don't know what overcame me when I added his clothes to my pile and slung them over my shoulder without saying a word. He stopped protesting when I grabbed his hands. As expected, they were freezing cold.

Saki always told me that my hands were warm and toasty so I always held her hands whenever she felt chilly during winter as kids. I made sure to squeeze his hands tight, just like how I did for Saki back then.

I looked up to ask if he was feeling better, but he only averted his gaze. I didn't mind too much. I focused my attention back to his hands and noticed for the first time how long his fingers were and how large his hands were. It reminded me of the life-like portraits I saw in art galleries back in the capital: beautiful, and unblemished, forming a satisfying contrast against the callouses hidden on the other side.

I don't know how long I held his hands for, but he eventually pulled them back even though I could still see him shivering a little. His cheeks were pink if my eyes didn't betray me. It was probably due to the cold. He thanked me curtly and turned away.

I didn't know what to say after that. My jaw was too stiff for me to respond even though I knew I had to say something.

We ended up having to cancel the survey for the day and return to the estate. I have to check in on him afterwards to see if he's alright after all that.

Chapter Text

Observed symptoms: accelerated heart rate (23 occurrences)

First occurrence: Morning, while on the way to Rui's room to ask for his thoughts on a report. Lasted for a while (unable to confirm when the symptoms passed as I was too engaged with the discussion to remember. Probably stopped sometime mid-discussion.) No other unusual symptoms otherwise.

Second occurrence: Afternoon, at the cafeteria. While eating alone, Rui asked if he could take the seat facing me. Seeing as it was crowded, I obliged. Acceleration lasted longer than the first occurrence, only returning to normal about 10 minutes after Rui left.

Third occurrence: Afternoon, shortly after writing this entry. Was able to hear my heartbeat as I wrote. Heartbeat is slowing down now.

Chapter Text

Observed symptoms: forgetfulness/possible memory loss

On January 29th, Rui reported sick.

To be precise, he started swaying while in the middle of a meeting that day. We had to postpone the meeting until he gets better, and I brought him back to his room to rest.

It turns out he did catch a cold from that rainy day and had been trying to tough it out until his body finally gave out. I don't know why he keeps trying to push himself even when he's unwell, but I made sure he rests properly this time by making soup and porridge for him and checking in on him regularly throughout the day.

But ever since, I have been absentminded and more negligent of my duties.

I admit that there are times when I experience great difficulty trying to confront the mountain of work presented to me, but this feels different.

It usually happens when I'm checking in on him. Initially, I was only falling behind on the reports that needed reviewing. It wasn't too big of a deal since it just meant I needed to put in a few extra hours every now and then to complete these tasks.

Then, since February began perhaps, I was even forgetting about meetings and surveys that required my attendance. This was when it stood out to me. I usually keep a close eye on my work appointments since they often require me to show up prepared and ready for feedback. Rui ended up having to remind me to get back to work several times when I stayed with him for too long (I was late for a meeting once because of this, and barely made it in time for several others.)

I have a lot of responsibilities to fulfill everyday, and I know that I cannot shirk them in favour of looking after Rui. But there are times when I wonder why I couldn't just do so.

I will continue to monitor this forgetfulness for the next month in case it is a symptom of something more dire that requires medical attention.

I need to prepare for another meeting starting in an hour, and will have to end this entry here.

Chapter Text

Observed symptoms: breath hitching, accelerated heart rate

Rui said that he's well enough to get back to work tomorrow. I couldn't hear the rest of what he said after that because I felt my heart rate accelerate and couldn't focus.

When I tried to reply, my words were caught in my throat. He looked at me with a strange look, which I suppose was understandable given my strange behaviour. I had to take a moment to clear my throat and it thankfully eased enough of the tension for me to express that I was glad he was recovering.

He did ask if I was falling ill myself. He was probably worried that he'd spread his cold to me, but I reassured him that I was fine. I appreciated the concern, but that was a sign that these wayward symptoms were becoming far too blatant if they were drawing attention like this.

I should see a physician soon if this persists...

Chapter Text

Observed symptoms: heart palpitations, trembling hands, muscle tension

I saw a nice pair of gloves at the clothing store in town the other day and thought of that rainy day. Since Rui didn't seem to have any warm gloves of his own, I purchased a pair to give to him.

Rui dropped by today to hand over some reports, so I reached under my desk to take the paper bag out for him. But in that moment, I felt my limbs tense and my heart rate accelerated drastically. Sensing that I was not in an ideal state, I quickly came up with a fib, saying that I might have left the gift in my room.

It felt awful.

After he left, I took a few deep breaths to calm the tremors in my hands, but they wouldn't cease. Some of the shaking has also affected my writing here.

Spring is coming soon. I can't delay this gift for too long.

Chapter Text

Observed symptoms: brief forgetfulness/memory loss

I just got back from Rui's room.

One of the maids said that she hasn't seen him in a few days, so I decided to pay him a visit to make sure that he's not overworking himself again.

Unsurprisingly, his door was unlocked and I went in. It was warm and strangely stuffy. He was on the floor, curled up in a heap of blankets next to the mini gas heater he'd made for himself. Was he always this afraid of the cold?

Seeing as he was still unconscious, I decided to head down to my room to pick up the gloves I'd gotten and leave it on his desk.

Before I knew it, I was occupying myself by tidying up the books and papers scattered all around me and for a brief moment, I even forgot why I was in his room in the first place. It was still 3pm in the afternoon so he needed to be awake and not passed out. Also, there was a work function in a few days and I needed to update him on the finalised info.

He finally stirs awake just as I was about to shake him, but it was getting so stuffy that I was also beginning to perspire quite a bit.

It might have been a mistake on my part to ask him a question while he was half-awake.

Rui refused to let me open the windows.

We went back and forth for a while on why and why shouldn't I air the room out for a bit, but from my perspective, it just felt like Rui didn't want to open the windows because of the cold.

That's not a good reason to make his room suffocatingly hot, though. Besides, he was going to risk losing all of his findings, books, and other papers to mold and fungus.

When I swung the windows open, the draft of wind scattered some of the documents on his desk and he started frantically trying to catch them in the air while complaining about the cold.

The sight left me... for lack of a better word, I'll say speechless here. That's probably the best word I can use to describe my state of mind at the time.

Nothing came to mind. Nothing left my mouth. All I could see was him.

I only snapped out of this dazed moment when he waved his hand in front of my face. I left in a hurry after that.

Ah. I also forgot to mention the gift.

Chapter Text

Observed symptoms: listlessness, lethargy

Rui was our representative for today's peacekeeping mission with the people of the forest.

It's more like a monthly visit to exchange pleasantries and maintain relations between the two communities. Since the incident 2 years ago, our communities have been tight-knit and we have since established various joint initiatives to educate the townspeople about the forest and vice versa. The last joint hunting trip organised by Emu and Nene saw a huge turnout and reception also exceeded expectations.

But there were some who were still suspicious of Rui, which I can't blame them for. He has been working hard to dispel those suspicions surrounding him, and I recognise his efforts to make up for his felonies. I'm usually on the lookout in case anything happened whenever it was Rui's turn to fulfill this duty.

Before he left, he dropped by to thank me for the gift. I saw that he had them in his pocket when he turned to leave, so I'm glad that he's able to find a use for them so soon.

I spent most of the day spacing out in the middle of tasks. I found myself looking out the window every few minutes to see if the rain had stopped, but it didn't stop until 7pm. The sky was grey as far as I could see.

Gloomy. Dull. Cold.

There hasn't been any incidents concerning Rui for over a year now. It should be fine, right? I could always ask him after he gets back.

But still, this combined with the rain...

On top of that, there was also a mild fatigue that has been weighing on me all day. I couldn't focus, and ended up putting off most of the work that wasn't due immediately for tomorrow. It wasn't a wise move, but I wasn't making much progress either.

I can see Rui coming back now. It seems like everything was alright. I'll end this entry here.

Chapter Text

Observed symptoms: palpitations, rising body temperature, sudden feeling of dread

I took the day off yesterday to visit my family. I'd consulted Rui (in my off-time) some time last week on what flowers would be make a good gift for Saki and mom, and to my delight, they both loved the bouquets I'd gotten for them.

For future reference: Saki loved the white camellias, while mom loved her carnation bouquet.

Of course, I made sure to tell Rui when he reported to me just now to catch me up on what I'd missed yesterday.

But when he smiled in response, I felt a sense of despair growing in the pit of my stomach. I didn't understand why I felt like this. He was already excusing himself by then, so I thought it was just my mind playing tricks on me.

But now I can't stop thinking about it. Was there something I missed?

I feel like I should have said something else, but what?

While tidying up my office, I spotted two stalks of camellias beneath my desk - one was a brilliant red, while the other was a muted, yet lustrous pink. The blooms are exceptionally beautiful. Whoever left these here must have taken great care of them. I have never seen such large and beautiful blooms in any of the florists I've visited.

But it's strange that the person simply left these under my desk, where I could accidentally trample upon them with a careless misstep. Were they left here by accident?

I filled a simple vase I had in my room to put the two flowers in and left it by my desk for the rest of the day.

I feel honoured to be the recipient of such magnificent blooms. I wish the giver had left a card with the flowers so that I could thank them in private. It's the least I could do.

It's amazing how simple acts like these could improve one's mood so dramatically.

When Rui came earlier to submit some documents, he kept shooting glances at the camellias in the middle of our conversation. It took me everything I had to calm myself sufficiently to sustain the conversation amidst my rapidly accelerating heartbeat once I noticed that.

I also only realised that my cheeks were burning up after Rui had left.

I wonder what that was all about.

Chapter Text

Observed symptoms: possible insomnia

I am unable to sleep.

The adrenaline coursing through my veins wouldn't wear off.

I am plagued by this (several ink blotches dot this line) yearning that wouldn't go away. I don't know what for.

My eyes refuse to shut. My mind refuses to sleep.

These symptoms might be worse than I thought.

Why can't I stop thinking about to- (the ink trails off to the bottom of the page and is smudged)

Chapter Text

Obsrrved symptoms: clamming up, accelerated heart rate, muscle tension

I ended up falling asleep in my office in the middle of writing the last entry. Thankfully, most of it was still intact, but most of the blank space is now filled by a large patch of ink stains.

Rui found me sprawled over the page with ink smudged all over my cheeks and chastised me for not sleeping properly, which is rich coming from him, but I couldn't bring myself to come up with a proper response since I'd just woken up and needed to clean up quick.

Realising that he was sneaking a glance at last night's entry, I jolted up and shut this diary immediately. But why? Was it because several pages happened to concern him? Or did I not want him to worry? My hands wouldn't budge from the book. I felt like I was a child all over again, getting caught sneaking pastries out of the kitchen by mom.

Regardless, his curiosity seems to be piqued. He proceeded to ask if there was anything wrong on my end.

I bit my lip as I tried to find the words to respond. I couldn't lie to him. If this was a serious medical condition, he needed to be privy to it as well. But for some reason, I couldn't bear to bare all my writings to him. The least I could do was keep him in the loop about my overarching concerns.

Thankfully, he was understanding and seemed to get that it was a private matter close to heart that I couldn't go into too much detail about. He said he'll keep an eye out for me and assured me that I could approach him if it ever worsens. I appreciated the sentiment.

But I felt awful about keeping this a secret from him.

Did he manage to parse what I'd written in the last entry before he woke me up?

What should I do? The palpitations wouldn't go away, yet I'm paralysed and unable to snap out of this funk.

I wish I could curl up under my desk, but I can't.

Chapter Text

Observed symptoms: lethargy, insomnia, wave of melancholy

I couldn't sleep much last night again but I forced myself to stay in my room this time.

Keeping myself up for the rest of the work day is becoming a challenge.

I feel quite out of it lately. It feels like I've been swept away by a sudden wave of sadness. It feels like nothing is working out for me. I'm still as confused as I was when I first started writing in this diary.

Will this pass in due time, or is this a symptom of another serious issue?

There are a few creases forming on the camellias' petals. This fact certainly didn't help my mood. At the very least, I'd like to preserve them in some way before they wither. They were a simple addition to my desk, yet they have done lots for me over the past few days.

Rui is quite fond of flowers. Maybe he knows a way to preserve them?

The melancholy seems to be colouring my very own courage. Just the thought of seeking him out is keeping me frozen in place. Putting my quill down feels like an insurmountable task.

But I can't avoid him forever. He's of no fault. I have to find him if I want a solution to this problem.

Chapter Text

Observed symptoms: muscle tension, listlessness

Emu dropped by this morning.

She had a thick straw coat on to ward off the cold. It's been a few months since our last meeting, so I poured a cup of tea for her in my private quarters. With lots of sugar the way she likes it, of course.

It was a pleasant conversation. I'm always keen to hear about how her tribe is doing while I update her on what's happening in town and back in the capital.

When she asked me about how I was feeling lately, I found myself stumped.

Was my turbulent mood becoming apparent? I always knew that Emu was quite the empath, so she might just have a sharp eye to pick out feelings without the other party explicitly mentioning them. It's an enviable skill. It didn't feel like she was trying to pry in an intrusive manner, so I divulged a little of my current predicament to her.

I tried not to mention Rui too much while explaining my symptoms to her. While explaining everything to her, I felt my limbs tense up the longer I rambled. It was peculiar. I appreciate that she was such a good listener. She told me that she could ask for medicine to relieve some of the symptoms if I'd like, but I rejected the kind offer. I think a diagnosis might be more helpful in this case, so I was considering seeing a doctor by March if things don't improve.

Although... Now that I think about it, should I see a physician from town or the doctor from Emu's tribe? Or maybe I should see both and compare diagnoses?

Ah, how could I forget.

I was over the moon today. Excessively so.

I wasn't able to focus for most of the day. I consulted Rui about the camellias yesterday and to my delight, he offered to help me preserve them. I asked if it was possible to have both flowers on the same sheet so that I could have them both in the one picture frame, and he said it was. I'm really grateful to him. I told him that he could pick out any frame he liked for it. All I really wanted was for the flowers to be preserved anyway, and I think he has a better eye for stuff like this too.

I also asked if he happened to know who dropped the camellias off in my office while I was away since he usually visits my office daily to submit paperwork even before I'm in. Unfortunately, he said he didn't catch sight of anyone when he dropped by on the 14th and 15th, so it seems like I might never be able to give the camellia giver my proper thanks.

It's a shame. The blooms were truly remarkable and they made my day for the past few days. Rui said that they were probably happy enough knowing that I'd received them, but I still wish I could meet them properly to express my gratitude.

All of this happened yesterday, but it still feels like 5 minutes ago. I wish time could go faster so that I could see how the pressed camellias looked already.

Chapter Text

Observed symptoms: (hyper?) elevated mood, listlessness, inability to focus

Rui said that the pressed camellias would be ready by the end of the month. I was so excited I almost leapt up at him. Thankfully, I still had enough self-control to keep myself together mid-conversation. I don't think he appreciates having his personal boundaries invaded. He did tell me to cut it out with the, and I quote, 'creepy smile', though. Was it that bad? Still, I couldn't thank him enough. I offered to treat him to a meal this coming weekend for all the trouble and he said that he'd consider it.

Yay.

I spent the rest of the day in high spirits. I couldn't sit still. I went out for a walk after lunch but still felt supercharged and fidgety. I didn't manage to get through much of the reports as a result, so this wouldn't do. I need to snap out of it, but I can't help it. I can practically feel my heart flutter in anticipation of the 28th.

Only 8 more days. I can be patient, I can't let this distract me from my duties.

Chapter Text

Observed symptoms: accelerated heart rate, listlessness

I have been feeling more distracted than usual. It's probably because I'm counting down to the 28th, but it still feels worthy of concern. I've also been spending my off-times surveying the eateries in town to find out where would be a good place to sit down with Rui and have dinner together.

Now that I'm actually looking at the food menus with Rui's preferences in mind, I'm actually finding it difficult to find a place that serves absolutely no vegetables of any kind. This may be a difficult concession to make should he actually accept my offer. Perhaps it's time for him to finally have some salad for once.

There aren't many options left unless he picks something that lets him pick the vegetables out easily from the dish. Or we could have a snack or dessert instead? But that doesn't feel sufficient for this large of a favour... I could prepare something, or maybe...

I'm getting carried away again.

The sheer number of options available is overwhelming me it seems. I should think about this later after Rui gives me his answer.

Ah. I forgot to mention the rising heartrate.

I already know the culprit. The more engaged I get with planning this meal that may not even happen in the first place(!), the more excited I become, resulting in the palpitations. Thanks to my distracted state of mind, it takes me longer than usual to notice these symptoms too.

Could it be another contributing factor to my less-than-ideal state?

I need a minute to cool down.

Chapter Text

Observed symptoms: excessively high spirits, insomnia

Rui gave me a few sachets of lavender tea today.

Apparently it has soothing effects and should be able to help with my insomnia. I'm grateful that he's being so considerate even though I didn't tell him much the other day. He proceeded to quip that it might even help smooth out the crease between my brows and left once he'd said his piece.

Why does he always have to be this abrasive whenever he's trying to be nice? This is precisely why he always gets misunderstood by the people around him.

Nevertheless, I tried it out. The tea didn't help much with the symptoms, though. Should I try drinking some again tomorrow?

I've had my fair share of floral teas from time to time, but I've never had any that were ineffective to this extent (sorry, Rui). It's a shame, because the aroma and flavour were immaculate in spite of that.

Hopefully I'll be able to sleep well tonight.

I couldn't sleep again. There are only 3 sachets left, and I already used one this afternoon. I can't squander the remaining ones so soon.

Maybe a whiff of their scent will help... I'll bring the cannister to my room and sleep with it by my pillow.

Chapter Text

Observed symptoms: lethargy, insomnia (recorded last night), restlessness

I went on a long walk to get some fresh air during my lunch break. Which isn't to say that I always stay indoors at work. I lead some surveys and attend to events in town at times during work hours and I go for a run as part of my workout routine before dinner everyday. But with how I've been lately, I felt the need to get my body up and running to stave off the fatigue and refresh myself. I kept feeling an urge to do something else, anything that wasn't work all morning and couldn't get much done as a result.

Some of the townspeople I met expressed concern about the dark circles under my eyes. I reassured them that I was just busy lately and that I'll make sure not to overwork myself, but some of the ladies weren't convinced by my words and passed me some of their wares. The eatery's madame let me have my clam chowder and lemonade for free, which I felt really bad for. I have to return the favour soon.

I also bumped into Rui on the way back to my room to put away the townspeople's gifts and since I had far too many trinkets to keep all for myself, I gave a few of them to Rui. He was reluctant to pick, but I insisted and handed the confectioneries and snowglobe to him. If he's not going to remember to go out and get something or make his own meals, then the least he should do is munch on some snacks.

There isn't much to report here for today. I'm just horribly tired from the lack of sleep as far as I can tell. I'm feeling much better after my break, though, so I should be able to stay conscious until work ends for the day. I'll pour myself a cup of lavender tea before I sleep and see if it works this time.

Chapter Text

Observed symptoms: palpitations, loss of words

The tea worked very well this time! I read a book to pass time and was getting drowsy by the time I finished my last sip, and slept soundly for the rest of the night.

Rui also came back to me with an answer today. He accepted my offer! He mentioned that dinner in March would be preferable so we set a date for the 4th.

I have to wonder, why not lunch? He's not about to skip lunch to work again, right?

There's a little under a week for me to look up slightly-Rui-friendly eateries, but that's more than enough time. I told him to let me know if he has any place in mind he'd prefer, otherwise I will just fall back on the list I have the day of.

We proceeded to sort out some of the finer details for the next expedition. When we wrapped up the discussion, I mentioned that I'd tried the lavender tea he gave me the other day and how much of a help it was for me last night. He offered to hand me a few more, but it felt like I was imposing on him so I asked if there was a store in town that he preferred. But he evaded the question and quickly added that he still had lots to spare since he doesn't really use them instead.

I wonder why he chose not to tell me. Maybe the merchant is a personal contact of his.

During all that, he was smiling awkwardly, as if he was trying his hardest to appear professional in front of me. Or maybe he felt pressured to put up a front? I told him that he didn't have to give up his personal stock if he didn't want to, but Rui seemed puzzled at my response and insisted that it was alright.

I brought up his awkward expression, and he straightened up in shock for a moment. Did he not realise all along?

Watching him sheepishly shrink a little as he shielded his mouth behind his hand left me stunned. It felt as if time had slowed to a standstill and all I could see was Rui struggling to come up with a response. I could hear my heart beat. My mouth slammed shut and refused to cooperate.

He finally excused himself while stammering and left in a hurry.

Seeing the blush spread across his cheeks aroused something in me.

Excitement?

Joy?

Elation?

Endear

I don't know.

My heartbeat wouldn't go back to normal.

I should arrange to see a physician before we meet next week...

Chapter Text

Observed symptoms: feeling of dread, muscle tension

I met Nene and Emu today.

We sat together for some tea, and I gave them a few of the other trinkets that the townspeople handed to me the other day. Most of them were ornamental, like the ceramic salmon and the brooch. They took a liking to the items, so they agreed to take some and share with their tribe.

Emu mentioned that I smelled like lavenders. I didn't know why that simple observation (of a smell?) left me speechless. The people of the forest have excellent senses, I shouldn't be surprised by this.

I took that opportunity to mention my symptoms and how Rui's lavender tea was helping with the sleepless nights lately. I also brought up wanting to see one of their doctor for my symptoms. Although I have never seen any doctor apart from the local physicians in my hometown and here, I felt that with my symptoms, a diagnosis from their tribe's doctor might be more appropriate. Sometimes, symptoms as arbitrary as these might just confuse the physician into frustration instead. I know that much from accompanying Saki on her regular checkups as kids.

Since Nene didn't seem privy to the situation, I divulged whatever I could at this point. I mentioned that I have a month's worth of records that the doctor could reference and how these symptoms sometimes come and go with no rhyme or rhythm to their patterns. They said that they could bring me to him as soon as tonight if I wished to get this checked as soon as possible.

I was a little hesitant, but I accepted their offer. They'll head back, let the doctor know, and then pop in again for dinner (my treat, of course) before taking me to their doctor.

I think Emu's appetite is going to destroy my purse tonight.

Nonetheless, this is a small price to pay to find out for certain if I'm well.

Rui missed them by a hair, unfortunately. We haven't sat down together for a good cup of a tea in a long time, so it's a shame.

Maybe next time.

Chapter Text

I don't know what to do.

My mind is a jumbled mess.

Everything's whizzing past and leaving me winded.

What do I do now?

My hands won't stop trembling.

I can't write.

But I can't stop either.

My hand won't stop putting these words to paper.

I need to calm down.

I need to get my thoughts in order.

Chapter Text

Today (2/27/16XY)

Doctor visit:

• I met Nene and Emu again in the evening after work as agreed.
• I brought this diary with me to see their doctor.
• We sat in a circle with the doctor and I explained my concerns.
• I handed this diary to him with the hopes that it could elucidate some of the finer details of these symptoms.
• He flipped through the pages, furrowed his brows as he looked back at me and the diary multiple times.
• He eventually shut the book and told me that I was well.
• Confused, I asked him what the symptoms meant if I was physically okay.
• He sighed and told me that I was in love.
• My mind went blank. I echoed what he said, thinking I'd misheard.
• He repeated what he said with a hint of annoyance.

After the doctor kicked us out for wasting his time:

• Nene and Emu ask if I'm okay.
• I felt like a ghost. I couldn't process anything and barely responded. I don't even remember what I said.
• Most of what they said after that was lost on me.
• They eventually fell silent as we made our way back to the manor.
• We parted ways once I arrived at the entrance.
• They looked apologetic. They said to let them know anytime if I needed their help.
• I felt awful for making them worry. I hope I was able to smile properly when I responded.

After going back in:

• Memories of the past month suddenly flashed through my mind as I walked back to my room.
• I bumped into Rui in the corridor.
• I think he asked where I'd gone tonight. I'm not sure.
• When I looked up and saw his face, my whole body froze up.
• I ran straight to my room without saying a word.
• I feel awful. Very awful.

In my room:

• I collapsed to the floor as soon as I shut the door.
• I tried to cool down so that I could finally process everything that happened tonight, but couldn't.
• I stayed huddled on the floor for a while. It didn't help.
• I took out the diary and flipped to the last entry and read it again. It didn't help.
• I got on my feet and dragged myself to my desk and wrote into it in the hopes that I could finally calm down.
• It helped a little. I held my head in my hands for a while longer before I could write this entry.

Now what?

I still don't know what to do.

I can't sleep.

The lavender tea isn't working either.

I feel terrible.

Chapter Text

I don't know what time it is now. It's still dark out, but I can't sleep.

I thought long and hard about what I felt about Rui. Maybe putting these feelings to paper would help with internalising them.

I want him to be happy. I want to be there with him when he's happy. I want to make him happy.

But I don't want to impose these feelings on him if they can't make him happy.

He now tolerates me, at least. He doesn't avoid me like he used to shortly after he was released from prison.

But I still feel terrible. It's like a pit is opening up in my stomach and trying to swallow me whole. I don't want to have to take the day off tomorrow, but I don't think I'm going to be fit for duty even if I forced myself up in the morning.

Rui is supposed to hand me the framed camellias tomorrow, but the thought of seeing him in my state now...

I wish I could tell him that I was sorry.

I'm sorry I can't muster up the courage to see you tomorrow.

I'm sorry for being so indecisive about my feelings for you.

I'm sorry for being a disappointment again.

Chapter Text

I don't know how long I spent ruminating over what to do from here, but I think I managed to find an answer.

I think I'll continue to write in this diary.

I've already spent a little over a month taking notes on my reactions to seeing Rui, so I have developed a rather consistent routine when it comes to writing my feelings in here. The fact that this is a diary doesn't change even if the meat of my entries will change moving forward.

When I flipped through the older pages earlier, I couldn't help but laugh at how foolish I was before yesterday. Seeing the 'symptoms' from the correct lens also filled my heart with warmth in a way it didn't use to before. I'm happy that I got into this habit even if it started out as a means for me to figure out if something was wrong with me. Reminiscing about the little moments that I captured in these pages in an effort to not lose them to the abyss of time revitalised me in a way I didn't know was possible.

Is this how it feels to be in love?

I want to fill this diary with more fond memories of Rui so that even if we were to one day part ways, I could page through this diary and recall all the memories I treasured, and keep the memory of him alive.

I can hear the church bells ringing. It must be noon now. I think I'm ready to head out and finally get some fresh air.

Chapter Text

I bumped into Rui on my way down to the cafeteria.

I think he was shocked to see me casually leave my room in my nightclothes with no intention of getting ready for work. He asked angrily why I didn't tell him sooner that I was reporting sick today and I quite honestly didn't have any excuses up my sleeve. He was right. I should have let him know some way or another even if I wasn't expecting to see him today in the first place. I should've left a note at my desk, but it completely slipped my mind. He proceeded to ramble at length about all my shortcomings and how selfish I was to always expect him to clean up after my mess. At the end of his frustrated rant about all the trouble he went through keeping things in order in the morning with no notice from me, he shoved a bag of supplies at me and told me to take care.

I couldn't help but smile. Beneath the prickly front Rui puts up, he really does care about the people around him. I apologised to him and accepted the gift. I also explained that I'll be back at work tomorrow, so I asked him to help hold the fort down just for today. He turned away and sighed, complaining about my unreasonable demands. But I knew he'll still do a stellar job despite what he said, so I gave him my thanks and patted him on the shoulder.

While I was at it, I also apologised for last night when I bumped into him and ran off without a word. I omitted the details, of course, so he doesn't have to worry about my well-being anymore. It does seem like I was a little too late though, since he already got me this little bag of supplies.

We headed down to the cafeteria and had lunch together. Partly because I had a feeling he was going to skip lunch if I didn't ask.

Now that I'm conscious of these feelings for him, I felt like I was also more conscious of the little ways he behave and how my eyes seem to always follow his every move. I didn't notice before how thick and long his eyelashes are. The sight of him holding back his bangs so that he could direct the food on his plate to his mouth was strangely breathtaking.

I'm glad that I now know what this feeling meant. It's like I've finally opened my eyes to see the world for what it is. It felt like the day has become brighter, and my field of vision is now wider than before.

We mostly ate in silence as usual. Rui eats a little slower than I do, partly because he keeps picking the greens out of his plate. Eventually, he noticed that I was staring and told me to quit it. Then, he told me that the framed camellias are in my office and that I should check to see if it was up to my tastes when I head back tomorrow. I hope the smile I made upon hearing that wasn't too creepy for him.

I peeked into the bag I got from him when I returned to my room. There was a pouch of lavender tea sachets (10 of them!), cold medicine, a bag of assorted dried flower petals, and a few tins of canned sardines and meat. He also wrote a note explaining that the blend of petals should give off a soothing fragrance that should help me sleep in case I didn't have enough energy to make tea on my own.

It seems like he was heading to my room to hand these to me thinking that I was bedridden when we bumped into each other just now.

I really do owe him a lot for everything he's done.

Chapter Text

I came to my office earlier than usual to see the camellias.

As promised, the frame was on my desk, right in front of my seat. It's gorgeous.

The finished product was a lot larger than anticipated. I suppose it was natural considering how the flowers were each the size of my palms. The flowers looked as if they were blooming from the white backing, their vivid petals carefully arranged to showcase their individual beauty. I also appreciated the artistic touch Rui added to the composition. Some of the extra petals were pressed separately against the white space, with some overlapping each other. The leaves extended from beneath the flowers to give the picture a much needed contrast against the vibrant red and pink, and the stalks seemed to have been sliced into halves so that they could be used to create lines that extended from end to end. He even made sure that a select handful of the petals and leaves overlapped with the mat. The wonderful balance was pleasing to the eye so that the camellias could pop out even more. The frame was simple, wooden with a gold finish that complemented the flowers beautifully.

I could look at this all day and never tire of it. The idea that I might not like this is simply preposterous.

It was taking me everything I had to sit still for long enough to commit this to paper, and I don't think I can hold myself back anymore.

I have to find Rui.

I don't think I have ever been this excited.

I ran all the way to Rui's room and jumped into his arms.

He protested helplessly against my hold. It took me a while to cool down sufficiently to pull away, but the smile remained on my lips still. He probably connected the dots upon seeing my strange behaviour and asked if I'd seen the camellias. And all my praise for his handicraft came gushing out just like that.

When I finally lost steam and ran out of praise for him, I noticed that he hadn't said a word during all that. I looked at him, wondering if I'd overwhelmed him.

That's when I saw the most divine expression on his face.

His smile was gentle. It reminded me of the sun rays that filtered through the windows at twilight, illuminating all in its path with its tender warmth. His golden irises seemed to glow with glee. I was captivated by the sight, by how truly happy he looked in this moment.

I called his name, and it felt like a mistake. Rui blinked rapidly as he returned to reality and the beautiful smile fell in an instant. He cleared his throat before politely accepting the praise, reminding me to actually work today because of all the backlog I'd built up from yesterday. He brushed past me to go... Somewhere. He works in his room, so I don't know where he was heading to in such a hurry this early in the morning. I couldn't help but smile at his retreating back.

I'm still feeling energised from earlier even after coming back and penning these thoughts down. Today feels like it will be a good day.

Chapter Text

I was so preoccupied by the events of the past few days that I almost forgot about the dinner (a few splatters of ink follow) date with Rui on the 4th. We haven't actually decided on where to go, so I asked him again during lunch if there was anywhere he wanted to try. Thankfully, it seems like he actually gave this some thought and suggested a coffeehouse in the south that also offered a fine selection of books for customers to peruse. I didn't know that Rui enjoyed coffee. But it sounded like an interesting place, so I agreed.

I cannot deny that I already feel the butterflies in my stomach at the mere thought of dining together, just the two of us, in a casual setting.

I've been feeling a lot better after catching up on the lost sleep hours from a few days ago, but just to make sure, I'm going to pour myself some lavender tea every night before the 4th.

I'm torn between excitement and nervousness. I don't think I need to change out of my uniform before I meet him after work, but maybe I should?

I should give my wardrobe a quick once-over tomorrow just in case.

Chapter Text

Today is warmer than usual.

Maybe that's why Rui didn't sneeze a lot during lunch just now. He seems pretty self-conscious about it, though. He'd look away and meekly apologise if I stared, so I try not to. But I think his sneezes are cute. He hides his nose and mouth with both hands whenever he feels one coming and when it finally does, it's soft enough to be drowned out by the clamour of a place as crowded as the cafeteria. The only indication that he'd sneezed would be his shoulders: they jerk up a little before he relaxes and wipes his hands.

I might need to rein myself in with the staring.

Anyway, I think I managed to pick out a nice set of casualwear for tomorrow. A simple white blouse and brown pants should do, right? I could put on the belt and shoes Saki and mom sent me for my birthday last year. I rarely use these even though they are of such fine quality, it'd be a shame if they stayed in my wardrobe wasting away all the time.

It's only now that I came to realise how sparse my wardrobe is. Maybe I should get more clothes...

I can't wait for tomorrow.

Chapter Text

Today's the day.

I'd woken up far too early for my liking, but I couldn't go back to sleep. The more I tried not to think about later, the louder my heartbeat would get. My mind would drift to all sorts of inane thoughts.

What will Rui wear tonight?

Am I alone in feeling this nervous for a simple dinner (a smudged line of ink follows) date like this?

What if it rains and we get stranded?

What if Rui decides this was all a bad idea after all and cancels?

I should go for a run to clear my head.

I took a different path than usual since I only needed to distract myself from my spiralling thoughts with the change of scenery. It was meant to be a short run, but I ended up taking longer than expected to come back and wash up because I bumped into Rui on my route.

More precisely, he was crouching down to water some flowers in a small flowerbed near the forest. It made me curious and before I knew it, I called out to him. It spooked him quite a bit. That's a fair reaction, I suppose. I don't usually hang around the western part of town since the estate was in the opposite direction.

The first thing I noticed was Rui's attire. He was in a thick coat and he had a long woollen scarf wrapped around his neck. His glowing red nose poked past the top of his scarf, and he was still using the gloves I'd gotten him. It's clear that he didn't like being out. It'll take a while before the temperature's warm enough for him to peel off the layers. He looked quite adorable bundled up in such thick clothing. It warmed my heart, but I didn't comment on it.

I always took Rui to be a night owl who had trouble waking up in the morning, but it seems like I was wrong. He said that he goes on walks and takes care of the flowers growing in and around town from time to time. I could tell it was true. The yellow and red tulip buds he was watering were large and vibrant. I asked if he could let me know when they bloom so that I could have a look at them at their most beautiful and all he said was he'd consider it.

That sounded like a yes to me. I just chuckled a little and continued watching the flowers with him in silence.

After a while, he said that he'll stop by my room so that we could go to the coffeehouse together. There was no point in going separately if we are going to leave from the same place and go to the same destination, he said. It made sense, but it also resurrected the nerves I'd been trying to calm. I agreed and parted ways with him right after, saying that I needed to shower and get ready for work later. It was true, but I also wanted to rid myself of these wayward thoughts rushing through my mind.

All this from the mere thought of spending more time with Rui outside of work. I need to be careful lest it manifests as a creepy smile on my face.

This entry is getting rather lengthy. I'll save the evening for the next.

Chapter Text

I returned half an hour ago and was only able to pick up my quill to write just now.

It all felt like a dream. I hope my memory serves me well enough to commit all of this evening's events to paper at the very least. I have no idea how many pages this will take, but I will record everything I possibly could.

Rui knocked on my door right around sunset. I'd already changed out of my uniform and was brushing my hair with my fingers in the mirror perhaps far too many times. I couldn't stop adjusting my clothes. With every move I made, I'd notice a fold in my hem that needed to be smoothed out, and with each twist, I'd find dissatisfaction with the way my belt looked on me, or think of a more desirable look to my outfit. Thinking back, I probably wouldn't be satisfied even if I had all night to sort out my appearance anyway.

I don't know why I let Rui in even though we were going out right away. I think it was a force of habit. He took a step in and paused, waiting for my signal to leave. He'd thrown on the coat and scarf he was wearing this morning over his usual work attire and kept a small messenger bag by his hip. I couldn't help but laugh when I looked at his disgruntled blushing face. He really didn't like the cold and we hadn't even left yet. The night was going to be chilly, so having his scarf loosely hanging over his shoulders wasn't going to help him in any way. I took a step his way and reached up to adjust his scarf so that it fit snugly just under his jaw. I also tried to tuck the longer strands of his hair under his scarf so that it could keep his ears warm at the same time. He looked a little uncomfortable at having my knuckles brush his skin while setting his scarf, so I tried to finish it up as quickly as I could and explained that it'd be warmer if he wore it properly.

This reminds me I should probably get him a pair of earmuffs next time.

He put on his gloves just before we left. After we set off, we mostly walked in silence. Neither of us were the chatty type even outside of official capacity. We rarely meet outside of work like this, if ever. It wasn't as if we were talking to each other for the first time, but I felt that my attempt to make small talk here helped ease us into a light conversation. I started off by asking him a few questions:

• What do you do after work? ← He normally continues working until it becomes too dark. I voiced my disapproval, and he said it was none of my business what he did past work hours. Not a good start.
• (Since he suggested the coffeehouse for tonight) Do you like coffee? ← He doesn't drink it often and prefers it with milk and some sugar. He likes tea better (which explains the aroma that lingers around him.)
• What kind of flowers do you raise? ← Depends on the season. Currently, tulips and crocuses (I wonder where?) He was more talkative after this and we continued chatting until we arrived.

The coffeehouse was a homely little shop consisting of two floors a short distance away from most of the other houses and stores that were scattered along the way there. It wasn't very large, but it clearly served its patrons well - most of the customers tonight lived in the area. There weren't many tables open, so we occupied one on the second floor which overlooked the first floor and was tucked in the corner by the rails and a bookshelf.

We took a moment to check the menu and decide what to eat. At a glance, most of the food items were accompanied by some form of vegetable. In fact, it seems like the store prided itself in its fresh produce. It was a struggle, but I managed to resist the urge to laugh by biting the insides of my mouth. I peeked at Rui to see if he'd realised, and sure enough, he was glaring at the sheets before him like it'd personally offended him. Thankfully, the loud chatter around us was enough drown out my muted laughter from him while I shielded myself behind the menu in my hands.

I'd decided to try the shop's lamb pie and onion soup for dinner and get a small cup of black coffee. Rui was still contemplating, but he was taking a while, so I asked if he needed help choosing what to eat. I think it was obvious to the both of us that he just didn't know what to pick because nothing on the menu seemed to be vegetable-free. Even the lamb pie had some spinach and herbs mixed in with the minced meat. Watching his face morph into various degrees of disgust and disappointment as he skimmed through the menu again was entertaining, but I was feeling peckish and didn't want us to be stuck with no food for too long. I volunteered to eat some of the vegetables in his food just to keep the night going, but I didn't think that his gloom would clear up so quickly from that. It was adorable, but I wish it wasn't because he was overjoyed I offered to eat his veggies.

With that out of the way, we wandered around the store to check out the shop's book collection. I'm not too familiar with the scientific tomes that Rui flipped through, but the shop had a very extensive collection books that catered to all sorts of tastes. Off my head, there were storybooks, epics, newspapers, and several bound journals. I tried taking a peek at one of the books Rui flipped through and didn't understand a word on those pages. Even when I asked what it was about, I couldn't get his explanation at all. The breadth of his knowledge seemed endless, and all I could do was nod and say 'uh huh' while he rambled on and on. He sighed when he noticed I wasn't paying attention and said that I didn't need to patronise him by pretending I was interested in the stuff he liked. He shut the book with one hand and headed back to our table, while I followed behind.

I didn't know what to say as an apology. All the words I needed in that moment abandoned me.

I couldn't tell him that I liked seeing the way his eyes light up when he talks about something he liked.

I couldn't tell him that I liked listening to his voice.

All I could do was return to my seat silently. I sneaked a glance at him, but he was totally engrossed in the book. Our drinks were already set on our table before we returned, so I whiled my time away by sipping the coffee (which was good) and stirring it occasionally with the stirrer.

I don't know how long I spent daydreaming before I heard him call out to me and tug at my sleeve. I was startled, partly because I didn't expect him to call my name, but also because he'd put the book aside and had his eyes trained on me. I asked if there was anything wrong, if he needed another book to read while we waited for our food. Rui withdrew his hand (which was when I finally realised that he was tugging at my sleeve) and had his chin propped up on his other hand with a pout, but all he did was purse his lip and look away. It was confusing, but I waited for him to speak up and in the softest of voices, he apologised for snapping at me earlier.

Frankly, it caught me by surprise. I thought that he wanted some space to enjoy some light reading, but he continued, saying that he thought I was just feigning interest so that I could get the conversation done and over with. It made me wonder if this was a recurring pattern he'd noticed with other people he spent time with before. The remorse on his face was subtle, but it was more than enough for me to accept the apology. I didn't even think that it needed apologising for anyway. Right after I pat him on the shoulder and told him it was alright, our food arrived.

We dug into our food immediately. Or rather, I did. Rui spent some time picking the carrots and onions out of the stew he'd gotten, tossing the occasional carrot chunk into my soup bowl shamelessly from time to time.

He started smirking while quipping in a sing-song voice that I'd promised to eat his greens while dropping them onto my half-eaten pie, and at that point...

I don't know what possessed me in that moment. Perhaps I was still miffed that he'd snapped at me earlier and wasn't conscious of it, or maybe it was because I was just hungry. The next time he hovered his spoon with carrot and onion pieces over my pie, I swooped down on it all while maintaining eye contact with him. It was only when I pulled back, chewing as I brought my knife to the pie, that the thought of asking if he was even okay with me eating directly from his spoon like that dawned upon me. It definitely shut him up, that's for certain. I was consumed by a tremendous wave of guilt. I thought I'd ruined the night with my impulsive act. I was about to apologise (and maybe get on my knees to grovel for forgiveness) when I saw his spoon slide into my line of sight.

For a moment, I was actually dumbfounded. I finally mustered the courage to tilt my head up and saw Rui with a... strangely calm expression. I couldn't read it. He gestured with the spoon to hurry and take a bite, but his face seemed almost... expectant? Demanding? He was okay with shoveling food from his plate for me to eat? From the spoon he was going to use?

I remember that it took him thrusting the spoon closer while urging me to hurry up before I finally registered that I was alive in that moment and not in a dream. When I lapped up the vegetables this time, he tilted the spoon gently before tugging it out of my lips as I withdrew, and returned to gathering more carrot and onion with it. He made sure to get some stew and meat this time, and repeated the motion from before, while I responded in kind. The stew was delicious. Like the onion, the meat was so tender it practically melted in my mouth, blending in with the rich stew that it was soaked in. Rui was already scooping up some stew for himself with indifference as he asked me how it tasted.

I offered to let him try some of the lamb pie (after picking out some of the herbs) and after eyeing my fork suspiciously, he swiped the piece off my fork and returned to his food.

I wish I could freeze time right there and then, but happiness only lasts so long. I still mourn the fact that Rui may never again feed me like that.

We had a short chat with the owner of the shop while I paid for our food. He said that he wants to change up the menu every once in a while to experiment with his cooking, and urged us to come back again next time. I would love to, honestly. The walk to and fro isn't too long, and the shop had a cozy ambience to it. If Rui is willing to get over his prejudice against vegetables...or feed them to me

We returned to our seats to pick up our belongings and return to the manor, but Rui stopped moving after he picked up his scarf. He kept his gaze on it until I walked over to ask if something's wrong. His eyes darted about restlessly and he mumbled something I couldn't pick up amidst the noise. He finally swung around to face me when I asked him to repeat himself, and he whispered just loud enough to ask that I tie his scarf for him.

My shock might have been showing on my face. No, it definitely did. My jaw went slack, and he stammered about how the way I tied his scarf was warmer than the way he did it as soon as he saw my reaction. Something warm spread across my heart upon hearing those words. It also tugged the corners of my lips upward. I let out a chuckle and took the scarf in my left hand and smoothed down his hair with my right before looping the cloth around his neck just like I did earlier.

I could feel his gaze on me as I adjusted the ends between us. Once I was done, I stroked his head and said it was time to go. Nothing good ever happens when it's late at night, after all.

The breeze made the night even colder than when we first arrived at the shop. I was starting to regret not bringing my thin coat out when Rui stopped to ask if we could hold hands. I couldn't see the expression on his face clearly because it was so dark. Were the gloves not warm enough for him? Before I could respond, he closed the distance between us, peeled his left glove off, tucked it into his pocket, and took my right hand. While I was processing how cold his hand was, he grumbled about how ridiculous it was that I was dressed for summer in this chilly weather.

I don't even remember what I said after that. Rui took the lead and walked ahead of me, practically pulling me in tow. My legs walked because it was their job. Even after staring at his hair swaying with the wind, I still didn't know what had happened. Rui never turned back, and we didn't speak until the warm lights leading to the estate's entrance entered our field of vision. It was only when he let go, when my hand fell limply back to my side that I finally realised what we'd done.

We held hands.

Rui held my hand.

Then, he turned back and brought his gloved hand up to his scarf. The sight of him looking at me as the wind playfully tousled his hair, against the lights behind him was breathtaking. But I couldn't make out his expression. That was the one shame.

All he said was 'see you tomorrow' before he turned and briskly walked in to seek shelter. I slowly blinked a few times before I headed in too. By the time I got in, he was already nowhere to be found.

I haven't even showered yet. I must be filthy after spending all this time writing instead of getting cleaned up. But the more I recalled this evening, the heavier my body felt. All I want is to indulge in these memories against all rational thought.

I think Rui enjoyed today too, all things considered. I should ask him... tomorrow to be sure. I don't know if I could look him in the eye again if I saw him later in the night. It may be for the best. The smile hasn't left my face, and I don't think I can put up a straight face for the rest of the night.

Ah, there are so many things I wish I did differently tonight. But if doing so meant that I had to give up these beautiful memories of Rui, then I'd relinquish those chances in a heartbeat.

Chapter Text

Rui came to my office later than usual to submit reports and had terrible dark circles under his eyes. He looked fine when we parted ways last night, so I expressed my concern thinking that last night's outing kept him up too late. He insisted that he was fine, but with the way he was avoiding eye contact, it felt like there was something else he wasn't telling me. I told him he could approach me anytime if there was anything bothering him and let him take his leave, but it gnawed at my mind still.

When we next saw each other along the hallway, I asked if he had fun last night. It would be meaningless if I was the only one who enjoyed the outing, after all. He seemed taken aback by the question, but the corners of his lips perked up a little when he said he did ('of course I did', to be exact). I couldn't help but smile back.

I wonder what I would've done if he'd said no.

Chapter Text

I overheard some soldiers talking about Rui today.

I was curious since not everyone has warmed up to him after that incident a few years ago, but thankfully they weren't badmouthing him. They were just talking about how they'd seen him heading out from time to time and got rather... enthusiastic about the fact that he looked cute in his jacket and scarf.

I feel conflicted. They are entitled to their own opinion, and it is indeed correct that he looks adorable like that, but it felt as if (several splatters of ink follow)

a closely-guarded secret had been exposed?

But it still feels wrong for me to feel that way. It's not exactly a secret, neither is this information exclusively mine. I'm usually on the lookout for rumours surrounding Rui since there was a lot of... mixed sentiment surrounding his reinstatement as my advisor initially and it sometimes escalated into petty arguments or scuffles back then. Most of it has died down by now since he has proven himself with his work, and I'm definitely glad that people are not seeing him merely as the villain he used to be, but I don't know about this...

This feels unbecoming of me.

Chapter Text

Rui was sneezing and shivering this morning. He didn't talk about it, but I suspect it might be because he was tending to his flowers this morning before coming back to the manor to work. His hair was still wet when he dropped by too.

Hopefully it doesn't worsen.

It did get worse and he now has a fever too. I made some soup and got a few pieces of bread from the cafeteria for him. He kept moaning and groaning about the herbs I'd added to the soup, which I ignored. I fired back by saying that he can berate me all he wants when he gets better, and that he could get better quicker if he'd just eat the vegetables in the soup at least. He fell silent after that, but he continued glaring at the tray on his lap with a tiny pout while I kept myself occupied by picking up and sorting out the stray research notes scattered all over his room.

I had my hand on the door knob when he suddenly asked in a soft voice for me to wait. He still hadn't touched his food, so I pulled back and asked if something was wrong, to which he said that his hands were too cold to grab anything. His hands held the blanket over his shoulder in vice grip so it was a bit difficult to see behind the fabric, but I could make out the tremors in his fingers from where I stood.

It goes without saying that I stayed behind to feed him his soup. He wasn't happy about the arrangement since I made sure he left no ingredient behind, but this works for me since it meant I could make sure with my own two eyes that he ate properly.

His lips were burning hot, but soft like jelly. It felt like they could melt away any second whenever my fingers brushed against them when I was feeding him the bread.

It wasn't an unpleasant sensation.

I'll get him something from the cafeteria again later, the last time. I hope he gets better soon. I might fall ill myself from dealing with the drastic temperature difference between his sauna of a room and, well, everywhere else.

Chapter Text

Rui seems to be getting better. Somewhat. I'm still feeding him his meals, but an idea struck me while I was delivering spoonfuls of gruel to his mouth.

Does Rui know what vegetables taste like?

With the way he adamantly avoids them at all costs, it makes sense to me that he hasn't tasted many vegetables in his life. Maybe common ones like potatoes, onions, and celery. But what if I boiled a lot of vegetables to make a bowl of vegetable broth and brought it to him without the vegetables?

I'll give this a try later.

Rui spat the soup out in my face and refused to have any more soup from me. He proceeded to huddle up in the blankets and roll over to face the wall and ignored me for the rest of the time I spent in his room. No matter how many times I called out to him, he wouldn't respond. I tried to pry him out of his bundle but he wouldn't budge either.

I resigned myself to this defeat and left behind the rose water and bread I'd prepared in case he wouldn't drink the soup before returning to my room. It's a shame. I even made sure to add more seasoning than usual to make the soup taste better, but it seems like it was a lost cause. I'll drink it later and prepare some chicken to go with it.

Chapter Text

It's right around 10 at night and I can't sleep.

My conduct earlier was nothing but inappropriate. I shouldn't have treated Rui like he was a test subject to satiate my own curiosity. On top of that, I'd left him alone when he's at his most vulnerable. I don't even know if he's had dinner. If I were in his shoes, I wouldn't appreciate being treated the way I treated him.

I don't know if he'll still be awake, but I should at least try to apologise and check in on him.

I knocked on his door and announced my presence, but there was no response. I decided to go in regardless and just check if he'd eaten the bread I left earlier. Rui uses a lot of candles and lamps in his room so that he can work till the wee hours of the morning from time to time, so I wouldn't be surprised if he had a lamp or two lit for reading at this hour.

As it turns out, there was one oil lamp lit - at his bedside drawer. I could see the saucer and bowl for his food stacked neatly on it, too. Thank goodness he ate.

Apparently he fell asleep in the middle of reading. His book was just by his head, resting between him and the light on the bed. I'm glad that I cleaned up the papers on his floor earlier. I was able to make a beeline for him without making too much noise, or worse, slipping on something and creating a disaster.

Before I picked up the empty crockery, I got on my knees and observed his face. He didn't show any signs of discomfort, so I hope this means he's recovering soon. I also shifted his bangs so that I could check his temperature by placing the back of my hand against his forehead. It was still hot, and there was a bit of sweat building up on his skin. The damp cloth for his forehead was unceremoniously put away on the drawer too, but it wouldn't help much since he was lying on his side now, so I just wiped the sweat away as gently as I could.

I wish I could sleep as peacefully as him. I readjusted blanket so that it covered him from neck down and he didn't even so much as stir. Looking him up close made me realise that his eyelashes were a lot longer than I thought. His relaxed expression was mesmerising too. I had to resist the urge to reach out and stroke his face. He looks a lot younger when he's not perpetually frowning like how he does whenever he spoke to pretty much anyone. We've come a long way from the immediate aftermath of that incident, but seeing that made me wish he smiled more like he did before he was caught.

But now that I think about it, I don't want him to cover up his true feelings either. Maybe the current state of things is better after all. It's a pity, but it is what it is.

Since I couldn't apologise for my misconduct tonight, I just said good night to him and put out the lamp. l took the empty crockery away and washed them before returning to my room.

I'll get something good for him for breakfast tomorrow.

Chapter Text

There was a fine herring for sale at the market today which I readily purchased. I made several servings of gruel with it and made sure to scoop out more slices of fish for Rui.

Surprisingly, he was already awake when I went in. I usually forgo the knocking when I need to drop by in the morning since he's never awake until noon when he's ill. I handed him the tray with his gruel and apologised for yesterday. He looked confused until I explained, and then silently set his spoon aside.

I didn't know what to make of that reaction. Whenever he quietly abandons whatever he's doing like that, it meant that he was deep in thought. All I could do was observe him. His hands weren't trembling today and there wasn't much perspiration on his skin either. His fingers were more slender than mine. After having held his hand the other day, it made me wonder what it'd be like to be able to hold his bare, ungloved hands in mine.

I sat up when he turned to look at me. He stared at me silently for a moment longer before sighing and picking up the spoon again.

He said between mouthfuls of gruel that I now owed him one and it was only when I heard the clink of the spoon against the tray that I realised he was already done eating. He silently handed me the tray and laid back down and closed his eyes.

Anything's better than the shame I felt yesterday, but this feels... odd. I might need to sleep with one eye open tonight.

Chapter Text

All of the cafeteria food had bell peppers in them today.

I have no proof that this was all Rui's doing, but nothing could convince me otherwise based on the events of the past few days.

He reported for work today looking refreshed so I assumed it was because he'd finally made a full recovery. Nothing seemed off with him all day.

I guess the only unusual thing that happened was that he asked to eat lunch with me today, instead of me asking him. I should've known, but how could I?

I fear he might have worse in store for me when he cashes in that favour.

I can still taste the bell peppers.

Chapter Text

I'm afraid I might have angered Rui more than I anticipated.

Somehow, the entire cafeteria now smells like cooked bell peppers. I could feel my flight or fight instinct kicking in, but Rui caught me there and then and requested that I sit down for lunch with him because he had to iron out some details urgently for the next meeting. I couldn't say no, but I wish I did.

Rui was perfectly fine with picking out the vegetables out of his food, but I could never do that even if it's a detested bell pepper on my plate. The worst part about this ordeal is that Rui was awfully chatty today, asking why I was eating slower than usual, why I was making a face while eating, talking about our food with far too much interest for someone who adamantly detests anything green in his food... I almost cried when he began shovelling his bell peppers onto my plate.

I am not ready for tomorrow.

Chapter Text

After brushing my teeth, I dropped by the kitchen to check what ingredients were stocked up for today's meals. Quite frankly, I debated throwing myself out the window if Rui were to drag me to the cafeteria and indirectly force me to eat bell peppers one more time. I was relieved to see every possible ingredient except those, and turned to return to my room to change into my uniform.

Then, I bumped into Rui who was carrying a bulky sack in his hands on his way in. He jumped and looked the other way while his hands scurried to conceal the bag's mouth immediately. He tried to inch away from me slowly while I was asking why he was up so early, but his odd behaviour only made himself look all the more suspicious. My curiosity got the better of me and I cornered him against the wall and opened up the sack in his arms against his protests.

Bell peppers, bell peppers, bell peppers.

Before I could interrogate him, he slipped past me and made a run for it while still holding onto the sack. I gave chase, fueled by the incredulity coursing through my veins. I was doomed to a fate worse than death if I didn't catch him and put a stop to this nonsense.

Yes, nonsense. What other word could I choose to describe this situation? Only a child would choose to retaliate in such a ridiculous manner after being tricked into drinking vegetable water. But the unfortunate truth is that this was no child, but the very brains of our corp, my trusted advisor and the object of my affections.

I was yelling after Rui as we zipped down the hallways, past the estate staff and soldiers, and up and down the stairs. At one point, he reached into the sack and flung a few bell peppers at me in an effort to throw me off.

I honestly wouldn't be surprised if he genuinely believed that the bell peppers could be used exorcise me like a demon upon contact.

I lunged at him when he started to slow from the building fatigue and sent both of us crashing to the floor. Rui wasted no time struggling against my hold and pelting me with his fists. He demanded that I let him go, but I just wasn't having any of his attitude. I secured my grip in my left hand and used my right to grab and pin his wrist to the wall. I watched as his eyes widened upon finally realising the futility of his struggle. I could feel the tension in his arm and waist leave melt away too.

I think the adrenaline really got to me. We were both panting by that point and all I wanted were answers. Why was he doing this? If he was so displeased, why take it out on me like this instead of telling me? He lowered his head and only spoke up after his breathing evened out.

He said that he only did it as payback the first time, but found my reaction so entertaining that he ended up overdoing it.

That answer felt like a much-needed douse of ice-cold water to put out the fire raging inside of me. After running his response through my head several times, I couldn't help but pull away and laugh at the absurdity of the situation. I could never stay mad at him for long.

Rui muttered his apology softly while we picked up the bell peppers that had spilled out of the sack when he fell. I accepted it, but also ordered him to get rid of the bell peppers somehow. Not that I cared where they went, he could give them away to the nearby eateries if he so pleased. He wasn't happy about his plan falling apart, but I'm happy we could finally put this behind us.

What an eventful morning. The one thing I gained from this silly ordeal is that Rui still asked if he could sit with me at lunch today.

Chapter Text

Spring is soon approaching, and the weather has been getting warmer gradually.

I overheard some soldiers at lunch discussing gifts for their partners. It's a recent trend, as far as I know. Some men prepare presents for their partners one month after Valentine's.

I asked Rui if he was going to prepare anything for anyone, and he said no. A small inkling of relief blossomed in my heart upon hearing that. He asked me the same, and it reminded me of the camellia giver.

I have no partner, and I don't think my affection for Rui will fade, but it only felt right that I got something for them in return. The only problem is: how? I have nary a hint or an idea as to who it could be. The door to my office is never locked, so it could be anyone. Rui listened intently as I aired my concerns. He said that if I really wanted to express my thanks, then I could just leave something at my desk since they knew where I worked in order to deliver their gift. If they sought one, then they'd probably look for it there.

That's when an idea struck me.

Saki sent me a package containing parchment and other supplies from home some time ago. I still have a few sheets remaining, so I went to my room to grab one, folded it into a simple star, and then painted it yellow. A meagre gift that pales in comparison to the blossoms I was blessed with, but at least it wouldn't perish if it wasn't picked up.

I left the star alongside a short thank-you note on my desk for the rest of the day. I don't know if the camellia giver expects a gift in return, but I can put it away easily if it remains on my desk tomorrow when I start work.

Chapter Text

Today was rather uneventful, save for two things.

Rui dropped by in the afternoon with a fresh pot of tea. He made it using a blend of wildflowers he'd gotten from Emu and accidentally added too many flowers to the pot when brewing the tea, so he needed help draining the pot before the tea went to waste. It was just about time for me to take a break too, so we sat down and enjoyed the tea as we chatted.

The floral tea had a refreshing flavour to it. It kept me wanting more, but not in the same way coffee does. It was simply calming and delectable unlike the lavender tea's soothing effects. It was evident that the blend was chosen with painstaking consideration.

We discussed about work, of course, but also talked about other mundane topics like the upcoming spring festival and the flowers he was raising. He mentioned that the tulips might bloom in a few weeks. I asked if he could let me know when they start to bloom so that I could stop by to look at them and he squinted for a moment, eyeing me with suspicion before curtly saying that he'll only do it if he doesn't forget.

Time always seems to pass faster when I'm with Rui. I guess that's just a testament to how much I enjoy spending time with him. If only he'd made more tea, then I could spend more time observing how his expressions change over the course of the conversation.

Ah, the other thing.

The star and note were gone when I came to my office this morning. I'm glad that the camellia giver accepted my gift.

Chapter Text

After Rui finished up his daily morning report, he brought up the favour I'd owed him.

It caught me off guard. I was beginning to think that the favour actually referred to all the bell peppers he made me eat as revenge. He told me to block off the 21st of this month for shopping.

Isn't that the spring festival day? What is he buying that he needed my help to carry his purchases?

Regardless, I couldn't say no. He'll let me know closer to the date about the details.

I was already planning to check out the spring festival on my own, so this wasn't too drastic a change. The only difference is that I'll probably be checking out the stalls and exhibits with Rui all day.

...On second thought, this change of plans works very well for me.

Chapter Text

With flowers come bees and butterflies. Such is the unfortunate reality we live in.

As much as I appreciate the beautiful blooming wildflowers along paths in town, I'm equally apprehensive of the insects that flit around them. Although I try my best not to jump at the sight of the critters, my heart can only take so much before my knees buckle from fear.

Rui may not say it outright, but he has been in high spirits lately. There's a miniscule skip to his step, he's starting to hum while walking down the hallway, and the floral scent that accompanies him is stronger than before. He's clearly overjoyed about the arrival of spring.

Watching him fills my heart with joy.

But it's not enough to dislodge the terror that threatens to overtake me.

Chapter Text

I don't think Rui knows this, but his hands have an earthy and floral scent to them, possibly because he was tending to his flowers earlier in the day.

I might have spaced out because of this discovery when he was gesturing at his formation proposal by my side just now. His nails are also trimmed neatly with a smooth curve to the edges.

Suppressing the urge to touch his hands was difficult.

Chapter Text

The spring gales are starting to blow already.

I like the winds in spring. They are cold, but at just the right temperature to be cooling to the skin. In summer, it's swelteringly warm, and in winter, it's frigidly cold.

During training, a strong gust of wind blew for a while. I paused the session until the wind stopped since the tree branches were bending to the will of the wind and some of the loose pieces of clothing on our persons were at risk of getting blown away. Our hair was also getting into our eyes, which wasn't ideal since it only distracted everyone.

While waiting, I looked around to make sure that everyone was alright. Rui was observing today and he had his hands cupped over his ears with a scowl on his face. His hair was getting tousled by the wind into a mess like the rest of us. He was mumbling something under his breath, but I couldn't make out what he was saying since we were quite far apart this time.

He looked smaller than usual like that, hunched over in an effort to protect what he could of himself from the wind. It was an adorable sight.

Chapter Text

The spring festival looks like it's coming together rather well.

The stalls have been marked, and all that's left is for the townspeople to set up their respective lots. I heard that some of the forestfolk will be showing up too. Maybe we'll get to see Emu and Nene tomorrow.

Rui gave me an update on his plans for tomorrow as well. He'll pop over in the morning and we'll head over to check out the spring festival right away. Apparently there were a number of stalls that sell carved figures and other trinkets that he wants to look at.

That's about all that's set in stone.

I'll probably pack an extra foldable bag just in case he really needs to get something heavy or bulky. But apart from that, I have to say I am excited.

I can't wait for tomorrow and it's only noon.

Chapter Text

I feel terrible both mentally and physically.

I should've known that I was due to fall ill from the recent turbulent changes in weather as spring approached. I woke up before dawn feeling like my body was on fire. I tried to sleep it off by forgoing my blanket, but woke up a few hours after drenched in sweat with a sore throat and a runny nose.

How can I face Rui later? All I can do is wait for the inevitable.

I dragged myself to the door to answer it when Rui arrived and I must have looked haggard, because he winced upon the sight of me. I couldn't even attempt to pretend I was okay. He pushed me back to bed and asked me where I kept my medical supplies, what I last ate, if I'd been unwell the night before. I explained as much as I could between coughs. After getting the answers he needed, Rui left to grab some water and medical supplies.

Crawling out of bed to

Rui returned and yelled at me first thing to get back to bed before I aggravated my symptoms. He is now preparing dinner, so I have to make this quick.

Today feels like a reversal of our roles from 2 weeks ago. But my mind was preoccupied with the disappointment and frustration I felt towards myself for ruining today's plans.

Rui spent the rest of the morning preparing the tub of cold water for my wet towel, making sure that I got the correct medicine I needed, and preparing lunch for me. Instead of going out to enjoy what the spring festival has to offer, he was here eating the same bland gruel as I did. I don't know why he chose to stay when he could have easily left after bringing the tub and medicine over. He didn't lament or scold me. He was silent for the most part, only speaking to ask if I was comfortable or to ask questions that were necessary.

I thanked him for his time and told him that he could leave and check out the spring festival. I said that my condition was manageable with some rest. It's the usual symptoms I had whenever the seasons change, so there was no need for him to remain here if I was going to sleep the rest of the day away anyway. There was still time for Rui to get what he needed before the festival ends tonight.

I didn't know what to make of Rui's expression when he stared at me. He was thinking, but of what? It felt like his sharp gaze could see right into my soul. After what felt like an eternity, he sighed. He said that it was meaningless if he couldn't make use of me like planned. The spring festival happens every year and he could always go for next year's, so he'd rather collect more favours from me whenever he gets the chance.

It wasn't an answer I was expecting, but it dispersed some of the clouds hanging over my heart. Sleep came to me surprisingly easily after that.

The sun was beginning to set when I woke up. Rui was seated by my bedside with his nose deep in a book. He hadn't noticed that I was awake, so I took the opportunity to examine his features up close. His golden eyes were focused on the pages before them. Whenever his hair obstructed too much of the words he was reading, he would raise his left hand to tuck it behind his ear. But after a while, the strands of hair would break free of their temporary binding and fall back in place, until he purses his lip and repeats the same motion with increasing annoyance.

His slender fingers on the book were close enough for me to reach out and touch them. And that's what I did.

He jumped at the sudden contact and nearly dropped the book. I lowered my arm and apologised for startling him. Rui eyed me suspiciously before picking up the book and setting it aside so that he could prepare dinner for me. Us?

Us.

Rui left for the night.

We shared another meager meal together: plain bread and soup this time. Even though we didn't exchange many words today, his company was more than enough to keep my heart full. His presence pulled me out of the swamp of self-loathing I was sinking into earlier in the day. In bed, all I could think of whenever he entered my sight was just how grateful I was to be here with him, being able to spend time with him even though we ended up not going to today's festival.

Before Rui returned to his room for the night, he paused at the door with his hand perched on the handle and said good night to me. There might have been a light crease between his brows, but I couldn't see very well in the dark. He left before I could open my mouth and respond, but his voice continued ringing in my ears, long after he was gone.

I feel like my illness is taking a toll on my sanity.

I can tell that Rui is aware that I have been sneaking away from bed to fill these pages whenever he was out. Every time he returned, he would narrow his eyes at me and shoot a brief glance at my desk - at this diary.

I trust that he wouldn't open it up. I'm not sure how I would face him if he ever found out what's written in these pages.

Chapter Text

Rui came back this morning with a few stalks of daffodils. He helped himself to the empty vase that was sitting on my shelf and filled it with water for the flowers. It was the vase that used to house the camellias. The middles of the daffodils looked like miniature setting suns, while their petals were a pale yellow.

I like them.

My cough and runny nose are getting better, but my temperature is still high today. I thanked Rui for the flowers and asked what's for breakfast, to which he joked that bell peppers were cheap at the market today. I didn't think that my disgust showed so apparently on my face, but it did. Rui burst out laughing at my response before saying that he was just going to make some simple gruel for the rest of the day. He doesn't know how to make fancier meals, he said.

It doesn't really matter to me. I'm happy enough to know that he was going to be here for the rest of the day like yesterday.

I still feel awful physically, but I was in a markedly better mood than any patient should.

I'll end this entry here, not because there was nothing left for me to record, but because Rui looked like he was on the verge of warning me against leaving my bed to write instead of rest.

Chapter Text

I know you're going to try to open this up to write again.

Don't.

Go back to bed and actually rest.

I'll be back tomorrow morning.

Chapter Text

In case you're wondering, no I didn't read any of the pages.

Chapter Text

I wasn't expecting Rui to slip notes into this book while I was asleep, but when? Did he do it while I was napping in the afternoon yesterday?

I can't deny that I was spooked for a moment when I flipped them over to see his handwriting. I did a cursory survey of my surroundings just to make sure that he wasn't hiding somewhere, watching me like a hawk. It's a silly thing to do when I know very well that Rui's not the sort of person to pry like that, but it was admittedly hard to think straight with all the adrenaline keeping me on edge. The notes were slipped between the pages loosely near the edges, so I feel that I can trust his word when he says he hasn't read anything in here. 

Anyway, I've fully recovered today and can write as much as I want now. Rui can't tell me what to do anymore!

March 23

My temperature was going down and I was already raring to return to work when I woke up, but Rui insisted that I only do so after I made a full recovery to minimise any potential spread of sickness. I obliged. I told Rui that I could handle some of the paperwork at least if he brought them to my room. He didn't seem willing at first, but he relented when I promised not to strain myself for the rest of the day under his watch.

I guess that wasn't enough to reassure him that I wouldn't sneak some words into these pages while he was away. But in my defense, writing hardly constitutes strenuous activity no matter what.

Rui brought food from the cafeteria for the both of us to share for lunch. It was a welcome change from the bland meals I've had for the past few days, no offense to his cooking of course. So welcome in fact that I scarfed my portions down in minutes.

The bags under his eyes were more pronounced than usual and seeing them made me wish I hadn't caused all this trouble in the first place. When he finished eating, I reached out to ruffle his hair and thank him for caring for me while I was ill. His eyes widened a little before he batted my arm away and told me not to treat him like a child.

I now owe him two favours. A small price to pay if it kept him happy, in my opinion. It was just a shame that he was facing the other way when he made that proclamation.

Rui left with the tray to clean up and went back to work for most of the afternoon. He only returned in the evening, with a stew made using boar meat that Nene and Emu had handed to him earlier as a get well soon gift for me.

The meat was certainly as delectable as it was fresh. It was probably why the raw, pungent stench of flesh masked the faint floral aroma that normally enveloped Rui for the evening, much to my dismay. I'll have to give them my thanks the next time we meet, whenever that is.

The vegetables in the broth were so soft that I only knew of their existence when I happened to scoop up a limp, paper-thin strand of onion together with some of the stew. I didn't comment on it, but it was an amusing discovery to make.

That was Rui's last visit for the day. He told me to remember to wake up on time tomorrow (today) and I almost wished for time to stop then, before he left.

March 24

My temperature was back to normal today. My throat wasn't sore, and the insides of my nose were dry. I was already changed into my uniform when Rui dropped by to check in on me. I stuck my chin up and proudly told him that I never felt better this morning. After pressing his palm on my forehead and eyeing me up and down extensively, he gave me the pass and flatly congratulated me for recovering, complete with the tiniest applause. Not even that could keep me down. I laughed and patted him on the shoulder and said that it was all thanks to him. I was so overjoyed that right before stepping out into the hallway, I turned back and mentioned that I'd seen the notes he left me before getting ready for today's morning training.

It felt great to finally be able to go out for a good work out. I popped by the kitchen earlier than usual and greeted the madames who were getting today's rations ready. It was a pleasant conversation. It's always a relief to know that the staff and their families were in good spirits. They were glad to see that I was back and asked if Rui's cooking was any good. That was how I found out that he'd consulted them for advice on how to prepare yesterday's boar meat. It was meant to be a secret, but they felt that his earnest attempt at cooking something for me(!) was, in their words, much too endearing for me to not know about. (They were right.)

Also, they mentioned that Rui had cut his finger while chopping vegetables. It's most likely because he tried to cut them as thinly as humanly possible for his own benefit, but an injury is still an injury. I tracked him down to his room right after and told him to show me his hand. He was confused for a split second before he tensed up in realisation and threw his hands behind his back when I began staring.

He couldn't be more guilty if he tried.

Barring the details, I told him that the kitchen staff mentioned it to me while examining his hands. Then, I saw it. A thin scab that ran down his right hand's fingertips. I pushed him back into his room and grabbed some medical supplies from my room to treat the wounds.

He said that he'd washed them and that it wasn't a big deal since there was no infection, but that was just insufficient in my opinion. Bandages were not suited for such small wounds, so I reminded him to be careful and keep them clean until they healed.

Before I left, Rui asked why I didn't ask how he sustained these injuries. Frankly, I didn't ask because I already knew why, but he didn't need to know that. So I told him that it didn't matter whether or not I knew the reason if he didn't want to open up. I wouldn't react any differently.

I didn't elaborate past that. He didn't need to know.

Chapter Text

It is strange how quick one gets used to a routine.

I was only in bed for a few days with Rui checking in on me periodically each day, yet I'm acting as if this is something he does for me on the regular. I shouldn't be yearning for those days so longingly as if that was a normal routine between the two of us, yet I do.

Now that I think about it, did he do this before? He used to be indifferent, I remember. During the first few months after his release, he would briefly comment on my return with a nonchalant 'Oh, you're back' and that would be the end of it. I believe it was sometime last year when he started dropping off medicine and herbal tea sachets in my room. Back then, he would openly show his disgust at my sickly state and leave as soon as he could.

Ah, that reminds me of the time he fell ill with the same symptoms I had the very next day after one such visit. I was looking for him to discuss something, and was surprised to hear him sniffling and coughing in his room. It also didn't help that he (correctly) blamed me angrily for his state back then. I felt remorseful and took it upon myself to look after him until he recovered. That was my first time doing so, I believe.

Tangent aside, I miss having him by my side whenever I woke up. It cheered me up significantly. It felt as if my heart was chirruping alongside the songbirds outside. Now, my room feels strangely empty, as if it's too big.

I wonder if he feels the same whenever I nurse him back to health.

Chapter Text

I saw Rui heading out for a survey today from my window.

He's no longer wearing his coat, but he was still shivering a little when a draft of wind blew. He was still wearing the gloves I gave him in winter.

Just before he left my field of vision, he whipped around and looked up at me. Our eyes met and it sent a chill down my spine.

To say it caught me off-guard is an understatement. Was my disdain for paperwork so apparent that he knew I would be looking out the window to distract myself instead of working? He mouthed to me to get back to work, and gestured to turn around (to look at the papers, I presume). I couldn't help but chuckle.

I think the other survey members called out to Rui to keep up, because he turned his head the other way all of a sudden before scurrying off into the distance, presumably to join them.

This was more effective at keeping me awake for the afternoon than any other distraction.

Chapter Text

While patrolling the town today, I overheard some of the townsfolk talking about Rui.

Specifically, they were talking about how he seems to have turned over a new leaf completely. I think the 'seems' is unnecessary personally, but I'm glad that they think so.

They also mentioned that the town now looks livelier thanks to all the flowers he raised. It makes me wonder how many types of flowers he's cultivating in and around town.

I was about to head along to my next patrol area when I heard someone call out to me. The old watchmaker greeted me and asked about my absence from last week's spring festival. He was a very understanding gentleman. He lamented that it was a shame I couldn't be there for the evening feast and told me to join in on the next big festival.

That should be the firefly festival, if I'm not mistaken. Just the thought of it sends chills down my spine.

I told him I'll try my best to make it for that day, but I'm half-considering putting myself down for guard duty at the estate just to keep myself busy then. I'll need to check the specific dates tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow, I hope I can sit down with Rui for lunch. The daffodils are wilting, and I don't know if they are salvageable. I've been meaning to ask him for advice on how to keep them alive longer, but we've been busy for our separate tasks. I tried knocking on his door earlier, but there was no response. It's unusual for him to be asleep so soon, when it's wasn't even 10.

Dwelling on it doesn't change the fact that it's also time for me to turn in.

Chapter Text

I asked Rui about the daffodils today and he said that it might be too late to get them pressed. He said that it's usually best to press them at their freshest, and it's been over a week since he got the blooms ready, so the result wouldn't turn out as nice.

It felt like a shame to just throw them all out. I asked if it was possible to press at least one of the prettiest flowers, and he just repeated that it wouldn't be a very nice result. I insisted, and now I owe him three favours.

There was a sparkle in his eye when he made that declaration. A mischievous, smug one. I'm sure that if he remained a second longer and opened his mouth, he would have snickered at me for being so foolish as to hand away so many favours to him in such quick succession.

Except he doesn't know that that's exactly what I'm doing.

Rui also informed me that his tulips are due to bloom in a few days. We agreed to meet at 7 in the morning before work, two days later.

I'm already restless at the thought.

Chapter Text

I might need an exorcist to rid myself of some demons.

Rui suddenly excused himself and bent down in his seat so that he could adjust his right sock while we were chatting with Emu and Nene.

I know what Rui's skin looks like. I see his face, his hands, his collar, and his neck everyday. I've seen his forearms and shins before, they are only exposed when he's in his casualwear for summer. This isn't unusual.

Yet when a sliver of his ankle peeked out from beneath his hem, I couldn't help but stare. I stared like a man hypnotised. I remember gulping, but my mind blacked out in that moment. It was only when Nene jabbed my thigh that I came to my senses. And I owe her my lifelong gratitude, too. Rui set his foot down and wiped his hands with his handkerchief right after her timely punch. If she was even a second late, I'm certain that Rui would engineer my dishonourable discharge by any means necessary as revenge.

...I need to keep my cool. No exorcists. Not yet.

Chapter Text

I've just returned from lunch with some time to spare, so I will recount the morning's happenings here before I leave for the meetings lined up for the rest of the afternoon.

We'd agreed to meet at Rui's room since he knew where to go, but there was no response from him even when I knocked on his door several times. His door was locked, and I could do nothing but call his name from the other side. Shortly after that, I heard some loud thuds and thumps coming from inside before he swung the door open looking haggard. His hair was an untamed mess and he was panting as he apologised for being tardy. I assured him that it was fine. He really didn't have to rush. It was as good as going on a leisurely walk together in my mind.

As we headed out, I smoothed his hair out and told him to stop working so late into the night and sleep earlier instead. He eyed me with annoyance, but didn't say anything in return. After walking part of the way in silence, he asked if I was sleeping well at night. I was surprised due to both the question itself and how sudden it was. The confusion was apparent on my face, I think. He added without prompting from me that he was just wondering if I was getting any better from last month. That finally jogged my memory. I forgot that he'd seen me with this book not once, but twice so far.

The first time, I was writing on the assumption that I was ill. If he remembers that... Perhaps he really did manage to make out some of my writings that time. I told him it was all okay now, and that I've seen a doctor already. He fell silent after that. I don't think I made a very convincing response with how much I omitted, but he didn't probe further. He might have mumbled something under his breath, but he denied it when I asked.

We arrived at a different flowerbed than I'd expected. A couple of tulips in full bloom lined the southern path leading to the forest where the forestfolk lived. They came in all sorts of colours. Apart from the plain purple ones, there were also some red ones with yellow streaks along the petals. I bent down to take a closer look at the flowers. The purple ones in particular reminded me of Rui's hair. I feel like if I turned them upside down, the flowers would look exactly like how Rui's head looks when seen from behind.

Right after I pointed that out, a butterfly fluttered towards the very tulip I was admiring and I practically jumped out of my skin at the sight. I was clinging onto Rui for dear life, my heart was pounding for dear life, I

I can't believe I did that.

Rui shooed the bug away and gently pushed me while saying that it was gone. I finally opened my eyes and realised only then that I had my face buried in his chest.

I don't know how I managed to respond to him normally when he said it was time to go back. I envy how Rui was able to maintain a straight face despite my unsightly behaviour. The few moments it took for my face to stop burning felt like an eternity.

I spent the rest of the morning thinking about what'd happened. The heartbeat pounding in my ears never truly went away. We didn't really talk about what happened after that. Rui went about his usual business, but I feel like he might have been avoiding eye contact with me so far. He was also awfully quiet at lunch. I couldn't look him in the eye, but he didn't avoid me when I approached him, so it was okay, right? That should mean that he wasn't upset... Right? Maybe it's all in my head. I excused myself once I was done with my food. The silence between us was too much for me.

It's unfair how I seem to be the only one shaken by something so minor. I need to pull myself together.

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Rui smells like lavenders today.

It was unusual, but not too surprising. He did mention that he drinks it sometimes.

We didn't see each other much today, though. His reports were already on my desk by the time I reported in for work.

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Nene dropped by today. Through my office window as usual. I let her roam my office while we chatted since there were no visitors in official capacity who will turn up today. She claimed that she was here because she was bored, which sounded like her way of saying that she wanted to check in on me.

Sure enough, she asked if the boar that she and Emu hunted (...of course they did) tasted any good. That reminded me that I never actually got to thanking them for the kind, albeit smelly, gift during our last get-together. It must've slipped my mind then, but I have to wonder why they didn't bring it up at the time. I recall Emu vibrating with excitement while listening to Rui's tales from the capital, but surely that wasn't all we talked about...

As I recounted the events of that day to her, all she did was stare at me silently. It was quite unsettling. I asked if something was wrong and she just said that the grin on my face was going to split it apart with how wide it was going.

Gruesome description aside, I couldn't help but laugh. It was refreshing to be able to express these feelings openly in front of someone I trust. Nene then asked why I wasn't pursuing Rui now that I understood what I felt and I told her frankly how I didn't want him to feel obligated to answer to these feelings, and didn't want to ruin what we've managed to build up so far. I also told her about how I've since repurposed my diary to be a more personal record of how I felt around him so that I could keep the fond memories close to me while managing that which I've chosen to bottle up.

We moved on to discuss the upcoming events in town after that. Nene reminded me to keep a lookout for bears in the forest before she took her leave. It felt a little redundant considering I'm the one who  reminds our troops of the same, but I appreciated her unorthodox way of expressing her concern.

Today was rather uneventful especially if we exclude Nene's surprise visit. I didn't get to see Rui today. It's a little concerning since he also didn't appear in the cafeteria for three days in a row now, but for all I know, he might just be busy.

Hopefully he'll have a proper lunch tomorrow.

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Today was a good day to see Rui, but I have unfortunately not seen him in the morning thus far. He left some reports on my desk along with a note summarising each one's findings before I'd arrived.

It was well-written as one might expect, but still. Not a good start to the day.

Rui didn't come down to get lunch either, so I got whatever looked the most Rui-friendly on a plate and brought it to his room to get him eating and check in on him while I was at it.

My knocks went unanswered, but I could hear rustling coming from inside. I carefully made my way in expecting Rui to not be in, but he was. He was on the floor, scribbling on paper at lightning speed all while mumbling to himself.

Looks like he really was busy.

Regardless, I called his name and went about setting the plate on whatever open space his desk had. He only realised I was there when I tiptoed over some of the mess past him.

He was quite upset at my presence, firing off a stream of questions demanding that I explain what I was doing there (delivering food to him). Why didn't I knock (I did), why did I have to go to his room... I waited until he was done before asking him when the last time he ate was and that silenced him immediately. He eventually sighed and said that he's been eating dinner. It was better than I imagined, honestly. But that begs the question of why he was skipping lunch for the past few days. When I probed further, he just clammed up and looked away, his eyes darting between me and the floor at an increasingly distressed pace.

I think I was taken over by hunger at this point, because all I wanted was to hurry back to eat and not have to spend all of lunch interrogating him. Some part of me was also frustrated that he was evading me on purpose and didn't want to say why. I vented some of that frustration by heaving an exaggerated sigh and pretending to be upset that he didn't want to spend time with me anymore before turning to walk out.

In hindsight, this was rather juvenile of me.

To my surprise, and possibly to my rusty acting skill's credit, Rui actually fell for it. He stuttered, saying that he wasn't avoiding me because he hated me. He said that he couldn't explain it, and I felt guilty watching him frantically search for the words to describe what he was feeling. I reached down and awkwardly pat his head and apologised. I assured him that I wasn't angry at all and told him I really preferred if he'd stop avoiding me if possible. If he ever manages to find the words to tell me why, then I'm always ready to listen.

He wasn't pleased to know that I'd tricked him, but he didn't voice any protests. He did call me horrible and told me to stop treating him like a dog as I pulled him up, though.

Rui then headed to his desk to inspect the food I'd brought. Just as I turned to (actually) leave, he suddenly asked if I'd brought any cutlery with me. I was confused initially, but my blood went cold once the realisation dawned upon me: I'd completely forgotten to retrieve his eating utensils in my haste to find him. His disappointment was plain as day. I ended up having to make an extra trip down to the cafeteria to pick up a set for him before going down again to eat.

I could've sworn I heard him laugh as I headed down the hallway, but I may be wrong.

Rui dropped by later in the afternoon to submit some reports and I couldn't be happier.

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At lunch, a soldier approached us all of a sudden to ask if there's anything I would be happy to receive.

I was well aware of the true purpose of the question even if he tried his hardest not to make it obvious. I heard from some of the corporals and sergeants that they draw lots among themselves to pick the sacrificial lamb who has to ask me personally what I'd like for my birthday through any means possible. It's a strange custom they created for themselves some years ago to get the perfect gift to express their gratitude, apparently. I do have to admit that as unusual as it is, it was much more palatable than the one time I was watched all day and night for the week leading up to my birthday to achieve that.

Anyway, it was pretty easy for me to answer this time. I just told him that I wouldn't say no to more bottles of ink. He quickly scurried back to the table he'd come from and they erupted into a cacophony of voices as they all interrogated him at once and worked out what to do with that new piece of information.

Rui was perplexed by the entire exchange. He raised a brow at me and pointed back at the general direction the soldier came from. Once I filled him in on what was going on, he blinked a few times before asking when my birthday was.

That reminded me that I've never actually celebrated my birthday with Rui before. His short stint before the incident began in July and lasted a measly few months before its abrupt end. It also reminded me that I didn't know Rui's birthday either. I offered to tell him when mine was in exchange for him telling me his.

June 24. I'll have to think of a gift for him soon.

Rui then asked if there's anything else I'd like apart from ink. I told him frankly that I'd accept anything no matter what, but he wasn't convinced that I was telling the truth for some reason. He returned to picking at his lettuce with his fork when I told him that he didn't need to think too hard over something so trivial.

I wonder if it's greedy to hope that he'll actually get me something. I'm not sure, but for now, I think not.

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One of the farmers called out to me in the middle of my morning run to give away some extra eggs laid by her hens. She said that her chickens have been laying far too many eggs lately and she was tired of cooking eggs for every meal every day.

Now I have a basket of eggs.

I tried giving them to the kitchen, but the ladies already received their fair share of eggs from the chicken farmer, so I'm now stuck with a basket of eggs that will spoil in a week.

When Rui dropped by, he set his papers down to inspect the eggs one by one. I don't know why. He said that he was just checking that they weren't spoiled, but it felt like that wasn't all. There wasn't much to do today, so I just let him play(?) with the eggs all morning. I watched him arrange the eggs from one end of my desk to the other (using my stationery as barriers), in ascending order of size and separated by colour. Rounder eggs were grouped away from the more oblong ones.

I still don't know why he did that.

After he was seemingly satisfied, Rui took one egg away with him and returned the rest of them to the basket.

Strange.

I still have a basket of eggs that may spoil in one week.

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I've been hearing loud clanking and hammering coming from Rui's room each time I walk by.

He completed a record number of reports by mid-day and came up with some of the finest strategies he's produced so far that we could try out during our training. When I voiced my praise, he thanked me stoically as usual, but asked for a few more eggs in return this time. I was more than happy to give them away, but I don't know why he was being so formal about the eggs. It's just a basket of eggs. I doubt anyone would mind if he took the entire basket. I think he wants to make something with them, but I don't know what one could make with a bunch of eggs. Well, it's Rui, so he might be able to come up with something no one else could, but who knows. All I know is that I've never seen him so excited about anything apart from flowers.

Speaking of the eggs, I manage to give some of them away to the other soldiers, but I still have a few dozens of them left over. I fried two of them for breakfast this morning, but my efforts hardly made a dent in the egg count, I fear. I'll try cooking some for supper tonight. I could try some recipes over the next few days if I don't get sick of them first.

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I went to Rui's room to discuss some of the formations he'd suggested a few days back. While he was examining the amendments I proposed, I glanced around and caught sight of a strange contraption in the corner housing the eggs he'd taken with him. It looked like a little cabinet, but filled with eggs instead of dinnerware.

After our discussion, I asked what he was doing with the eggs and he froze. He awkwardly averted his gaze and bit his lip before asking why I needed to know that. It sounded very suspicious, but he didn't seem to be putting them in harm's way, so I didn't understand why he needed to be so secretive about it. I told him that I just wanted to understand him better and he relented after a long bout of silence, thankfully.

Apparently, the contraption helps the eggs to hatch without a hen.

Seeing my shocked expression, Rui groaned into his palms and complained that he wanted to keep it a secret precisely because he knew that it was weird. He looked genuinely hurt. It makes me wonder if he finds it difficult to open up to others because of some bad experience he had when he was younger when he did. I assured him that I was only surprised because I didn't expect him to make such a thing. Heck, I didn't even know that such an astounding feat of science was possible in the first place. When I asked why he created it, he made me swear on my life and my bloodline that I wouldn't laugh at his answer or tell anyone else.

As he adjusted the dials on the contraption (he calls it an 'incubator', in the sense that it is a thing that incubates), he explained that he'd always wanted to raise a chicken when he was a kid.

Apparently, that's it.

I brought up that the farmer who gave away the eggs in the first place would definitely be eager to share some with him if he'd asked. She ends up with excess on a regular basis. But he shot down the idea of approaching her on the premise that the townspeople still hold a grudge against him.

But that just wasn't true to me at all. The elderly staff here look out for him like he's one of their own sons. The townspeople appreciate his efforts at beautifying the town with his flowers. The soldiers respect him for his terrifyingly keen mind. There was so much I could say as a counter-argument, but the words were jammed in my throat. All I could tell him was that he wouldn't know if he never tried reaching out to them. Rui hummed in agreement, but his voice was hollow. He looked and sounded defeated, as if he'd lost all hope of ever getting along with anyone in town. There was a melancholic air hanging around Rui after that. I don't know if anything I did could lift him out of the fog in that moment.

I wish I wasn't so powerless.

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I had the most peculiar conversation with Emu today.

When I asked her about the wildflowers she shared with Rui last month, she said she never did such a thing. Thinking that she'd forgotten, I tried jogging her memory by describing some of the petals I saw and the flavour it produced. Still, she didn't know what I was talking about. We were both unable to make heads or tails of this and eventually moved on to other topics, but this bothers me.

Did I mishear him the first time? Cross-checking with that day's entry wouldn't help since it was written based off my memory.

I don't know what to make of this.

Also, I've finally given away the last of the eggs to Emu. I'll be plagued by eggy meals no longer.

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For the first time in my life, Rui's room was tidier than it was during my last visit without my intervention.

I wanted to look over some documents that will be used in our next meeting with him and I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw that there was walking space available when he opened the door. He'd also sectioned off the incubator's corner because that's where the chicks will stay when they hatch.

He is so adorable.

It was impressive to see how the right source of motivation can push people to do things that they would never in a million years consider otherwise. All he really did was move some papers to his bed and desk, but the very fact that he did it in the first place was laudable. Somewhat.

I suggested using some cloth and cotton to turn the egg basket into a makeshift bed for the chicks and Rui liked the idea. I wonder how it will turn out over the next few days.