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Chapter Text

Suyeol has been trying so very hard to be better. He’s no longer taking bribes, he is being kinder to his coworkers (friends), and he’s doing everything in his power to actually get rid of the corruption in the Korean police force. Despite this, it seems everyone still finds something to be upset at him about.

He gets it, he really does. He's selfish, he’s a coward, he’s a loser, he's dirty. God, does he hear this shit every day. If not from the mouths of prissy officers, angry at being investigated, it's from K or that nasty voice in his head that confirms every bad thought he's ever had about himself. And K, God that psycho never shuts up. He's always there, pointing out every mistake, insulting him. And after so long, Suyeol has to admit... He’s starting to believe all the nasty shit and forget anything good. Eventually, the good things are just lies to get on his good side and the bad shit is the truth.

Suyeol’s mind has been almost constantly flooded with self-deprecating thoughts. So, he’s been doing what he does best, ignoring the problem. Unfortunately, and quite possibly very predictably, this does NOT work. Suyeol can feel himself spiraling. He can feel the weight of his faults crushing his heart. He feels himself falling deeper into his mind, he's not sleeping, barely eating - he tells K it's so he can pig out when he's fronting, and finding it very hard to forgive himself for even the smallest mistakes. Why should he forgive himself? With everything he's done in his past does he even deserve to be forgiven, to move on from his worst self when the others were forced to put up with that bastard for as long as they did? No, no he shouldn't. If there's one thing Suyeol is sure of, its that he doesn't deserve forgiveness. As one would imagine, this train of thought only further damages his mental state.

This is evident in the near panic attack he had the week before. Suyeol hadn’t meant to, honest, he was just so tired and hadn’t been paying attention to where he was walking. One minute he was sipping his lukewarm coffee and the next Gyeongtae was wearing it. Suyeol froze, coffee dripping from his hands, breath shallow as mortification washing over him. Of course he had to be careless on the day that Gyeongtae was going to be giving the case update speech to the whole team.

(And if he spent the next hour after obsessing over the idea that everyone must’ve been thinking he did it on purpose; a selfish attention whore who can’t bare seeing other succeed, well then that’s really no one else’s business)

But in reality, the spill didn't affect Gyeongtae’s speech at all, truthfully, barely anyone noticed the faint stain, much less actually witnessed the interaction. Gyeongtae, the angel he is, god he must think I’m pathetic to attempt to sabotage his moment so blatantly, knew it was an accident and happily assured Suyeol that it was quite alright.

Its incidents like this where the people in his life notice him slipping. If he had been paying attention to anything other than keeping his face neutral and ignoring his panic, he would’ve seen Gyeongtae frowning at him. He would've seen the concern flooding Gyeongtae's expressive eyes as he assured him he was fine and not in fact bothered by the event. This reaction was so out of character for the Suyeol they know that the man shared his concerns with Jaeseon that same day.

He’s caught in another slip up when he again denies Jaeseon’s offer to buy him lunch (“Is he looking sickly?” “yah, I think he’s been skipping lunches..”). His partner gives him that same concerned expression, which he again is blind to see. And of course, it doesn't take long before both men have filled in Huigyeom and she had her own similar encounter.

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It's at Doobydobap when Huigyeom finally sees her ex’s odd behavior for herself. She had asked him to meet her at the restaurant after work that day, something they’ve done many times. They ordered their food and as they ate, they chatted. Her goal was to keep it casual; asking how he’s doing, what he plans for the weekend, basically anything to get him to open up about himself. And after half an hour or so, it seemed to be working.

Suyeol was animatedly telling an elaborate story from a book he just finished reading (Suyeol begged K to take over the second he arrived at the restaurant, terrified of burdening Huigyeom with his presence any longer than necessary) when he knocked over her cup of tea... directly onto her lap.

She stood quickly, cursing as the little more than warm liquid covered her stomach and legs. She used the napkins on the table to soak up what she could, opened her mouth to instruct him get her more napkins and felt the words die in her throat when she saw the look on his face. He looked horrified. Mouth open and down-right petrified as he stood and rushed to retrieve more napkins.

“I am so sorry Huigyeom! Here,” he thrust a stack of napkins into her hands, gone was the laidback and animated man from before. “I- I cannot believe I just did that; I am so sorry. Are you alright? Are you burned?” His eyes were unreasonably wide and Huigyeom could've sworn she could see tears gathering in his usually stoic eyes.

“no... I’m find, was just a little warm.” She slowed her drying to look at him incredulously. “are-are you ok?” Suyeol froze, blinking once. Twice—

Suddenly the tension in his face dropped so quickly she found herself startled. Suyeol straightened up, shoulders squared almost as if he had reset himself.

“Aish, of course, I’m not the one covered in hot tea. Here you can wrap my jacket around you to cover it. Very sorry again.” Suyeol bowed his head, a picture of calm and collected, “I believe it is time to turn in for the night. I will see you tomorrow. Here, least I can do!” Suyeol smiled, placing the appropriate amount of bills on the table and heading out the door. Huigyeom blinked and he was gone. Dread creeped in, she could feel it in the unsettling feeling in her chest.

The boys were right, something was definitely wrong.

Of course when confronted with his odd behavior, the three friends decided they should keep an eye on him, if Suyeol wouldn't tell them what's wrong, the least they could do was keep an eye out and offer silent support. They see the empty stares, the forced smiles, the way he seems to shrink into himself when he thinks no one was looking. They see the way he tenses when a question is directed his way, case related or not, and the way he cringes if a response was expected.

Unfortunately, Suyeol notices their not-so-subtle glances and assumes a worst case scenario; they must be waiting for him to fuck up enough to get fired. He feels his chest tighten and he can't figure out where he went wrong. He regularly runs through every interaction, thoroughly formulating appropriate responses that require minimal speaking but still, they watch him. Maybe they’ve just all finally caught on to the fact that he’s a piece of shit and are looking for the next opportunity to rid themselves of him. With that, he does his absolute BEST to be even better, he gives K control during most social interactions both at work and outside of work, keeps his head down and mouth shut when it’s his turn, and just hopes that it's enough. And of course in the end it’s not, no amount of correction can make up for his rotten soul.

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It's a harsh reptation of “useless” “worthless” “attention whore” “selfish” running through his head that finally has Suyeol cracking enough to make a plan. A stupid shitty plan, but a plan. He knows this is the ultimate act of selfishness, to take his life and therefore taking K with him. After all it's no secret that everyone loves K; he’s kind, charming, selfless, and worth so much more than Suyeol could ever be. He wonders if there's a way to kill himself that leaves the body intact enough for K to survive. Maybe, he can find a way to die that doesn't take out his better self? He’s not sure. Either way, he feels himself breaking and oh is he so tired.

He plans, somewhere hidden from K, where he can keep his ideas tucked away, where he can't stop him. Suyeol knows that the biggest factor to his success will be a sedative, the drugs that he was injected with seemed to incapacitate K as well. At first, he questioned if he truly needed a sedative, he's sure that K wouldn’t be opposed to him killing himself but... he’s also sure that K would do whatever it takes to ensure Suyeol doesn't take him in his attempt too. In all honesty Suyeol finds it almost funny how easy it is to procure his supplies, he tells one measly doctor that he's had trouble sleeping and suddenly he’s got a months supply of some insomnia cure. He's gazing at the bottle when he's suddenly wondering- what Jaeseon would say if he saw him now. Would he be angry? Disappointed? Maybe even a bit glad? 

It doesn't matter, he tells himself quickly placing the bottle in the cabinet a bit harsher than necessary, he'll get over it. Once he’s gathered what he needs he realizes he has to pick a date, get his affairs in order, maybe even say goodbye if they care enough to listen.

So he does just that.

He picks some random Tuesday. Why Tuesday? He isn't sure, it's not special, no events to make the day matter. Just.. another day. 

That should make it easier, right? Should make this routine.

It doesn't.

The next steps feel automated. He puts all his funds into an account his mother can access, and calls his landlord (yah, I wont be renewing my lease.)

Then he pauses, he contemplates goodbyes. He thinks of his coworkers, fingers hovering over their names in his contacts. What would he even say? Thanks for trying to make better, sorry for wasting your time.

He concludes that he can't imagine taking up anymore of said time.

He considers his mother and brother, both having the uncanny ability to know exactly what he's thinking just by his tone. He decides that it would be best to leave without the unnecessary drama.

He wonders if he should water his plants one last time.

Huigyeom hadn't seen much of Suyeol since his episode at Doobydobap, only briefly in passing at work or during the occasional collaborations of their teams. So, to say she was surprised when Suyeol woke her with a phone call would be an understatement.

*ring.... ring.... rin-*

“wha-”

“Huigyeom?”  Suyeol whispered, “he- I messed u-up.”

Huigyeom furrowed her brows, shifting in bed to reach her bedside lamp. “What do you mean you messed up? It's 3 am Suyeol. If you woke me up over a case file so help me-” She began, her frustration and exhaustion creeping out due to the late hour.

“No. No I- I think I took somethin...” Suyeol’s voice shook, something about his tone had her sitting up a little straighter than before. “And- and I'm bleedin?” a slight slur distorted his voice.

Huigyeom shot up, heart dropping to her ass, “What do you mean you're bleeding? What did you take?” Suddenly she stood, throwing on pants and whatever shoes were closest. K opened his mouth, a plea for help on the tip of his tongue, when he felt Suyeol drag him back. Thrusting himself to front, Suyeol quickly cancelled the call immediately tossing the phone across the room before it could ring again.

Huigyeom hesitated for only a second before she took off in a sprint, dialing Jaeseon as she ran. 

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[Suyeol shoved K weakly, stumbling as he did so, “What are you doing you psycho!” He spit, damn near enraged. K looked at Suyeol incredulously, “What do you mean ‘what am I doing?’ I’m trying to keep us ALIVE! The FUCK are YOU doing!” K shoved Suyeol back.

Suyeol stumbled and fell on his ass, weakly glaring at the alter. The glare didn't land how he had hoped, not with the tears streaming down his face . K froze, "What the hell is this? What am I missing" He thought desperately.

“I am doing the only thing in my worthless little life that will be worth a DAMN!” Suyeol rose up, unsteady on his feet, tears freely falling. “I am going to do everyone a favor and finally fucking kill myself and-and when I’m gone, they can save this- this useless shell and- you can keep it.”

K didn't even have time to react. One moment he was staring at Suyeol- shock marring his features- and the next, he felt himself being yanked backwards. There's wasn't much he could do. Suyeol has locked him away.]

Meanwhile, Huigyeom frantically dialed Jaeseon as she ran towards her car. She knew the man would still be at the office. He and Gyeongtae had decided to stay in to work on a dead-end case while the others went home to rest. ("You sure you can wrap up here?" "Yah yah, go home Huigyeom, Gyeongtae and myself can handle it.")

*ring.... ring.... rin-*

“Aye, what do you want? I’m busy-”

“Jaeseon! Is Suyeol with you?” Huigyeom cried out, locking her seatbelt in place.

 “Huh? Suyeol? No, he went home hours ago. Why what's-” Jaeseon tried before he was interrupted,

“Listen to me, grab Gyeongtae and meet me at Suyeol’s apartment NOW, I think he’s hurt himself.” Huigyeom threw her car into reverse, peeling out of her apartment parking lot. Jaeseon shot out of his seat, grabbing Gyeongtae’s arm as he pulled the younger man up from his chair, “Shit, ok. We’re on our way now, how bad is it?” both men sprinted to Jaeseon’s car, jumping inside as soon as the door unlocked.

“I’m not sure,” Huigyeom choked out, heart racing as she breaks every speed limit, “he just called, said he took something and was bleeding. Thats all I got before he hung up. Meet me there, ok? I can let us in.”

 Jaeseon nodded knowing she couldn’t see him as he started his car, “Ok be there soon.” He hung up as he peeled out of the parking garage. “What’s going on?” Gyeongtae asked gripping his seatbelt, "Is hyung ok?"

Jaeseon took a deep breath, quickly starting the car and peeling out of the parking lot. He spoke calmly- filling him in on his conversation with Huigyeom, trying to ignore the young man’s startled eyes and paling skin at the announcement.

Both cars pulled up to Suyeol’s at almost the exact same time. All members diving out of their cars and making their way up the steps,

“Aye careful! We’ve no good for him dead at the bottom of the stairs!” Jaeseon puffed, following his friends closely, the trio making their way up the stairs. Making it to the door, Huigyeom hands shook as she quickly typed in Suyeol’s pin, the quiet click of the lock seemed infinitely louder in the silence. She swung open the door,

“Suyeol! Suyeol are you ok-” Huigyeom felt her breath catch in her throat, feeling frozen at the sight in front of her. Suyeol was sitting cross legged against the wall adjacent to the door. He was shirtless, in old pair of loose shorts. The man’s elbows were propped up on his thighs, wrists up, as he leaned his upper body over his arms, hair falling over his face. There was a weak shake to his shoulders, as if the weight of the world was resting upon them. But this wasn't the first thing Huigyeom noticed about Suyeol. No, the first thing she noticed was the deep jagged wounds covering Suyeol forearms. There had to be at least 4 on each arm, blood slowing dripping off his arms, onto his legs, and pooling on the floor. Huigyeom distantly heard Jaeseon curse as he moved forward, she could feel the switch, he doesn't panic- he acts.

“Call 119.” He whispered to Gyeongtae as he moved past. Gyeongtae pulled out his phone, stepping back to call an ambulance, eyes never leaving the man who saved him all that time ago. Jaeseon moved a few steps closer to Suyeol. “Suyeol? Hey man, what’s going on?” He softly questions crouching near his best friend.

Somewhere in the darkest part of his mind, K screamed fists pounding on the walls. Completely unheard.

After a moment, Suyeol blinked slowly and brought his blood shot eyes up to meet Jaeseon’s, “Jaeseon..?" he slurred, "What are you doing here? You're not supposed to be here-” his voice trailed off, eyes fluttering. Jaeseon shot a look at the others, “You called Huigyeom remember? We came to help you. Can you tell me what you took?” Suyeol, not willing to answer, clenched his fists, eyes shooting to his hands when they started stinging.

Oh yeah, he still had the blade. Jaeseon followed his gaze and paled “Suyeol.. what's in your hand?” The man blinked again and loosened his grip on the blade, showing his friend coworker.

Jaeseon shuffled even closer, “Suyeol, can I have that please?” Suyeol blinked again, looking between Jaeseon and the blade. He slowly shook his head, “can't...” he mumbled eyes landing back on the blade, “need it.” He closed his fingers around the blade again.

“Suyeol.” Huigyeom spoke up sternly, pushing past the clenching in her chest, “Give Jaeseon the blade now. Please.”

Suyeol’s eyes snapped up finding Huigyeom’s, “Huigyeom?” He questioned dumbly, “when….” He paused, eyes tightly shut, his voice faltering, the slight tremor shaking his shoulders.

Chapter Text

Huigyeom gave a sharp look to the other two men, concern pouring off her, “I've been here the whole time, so has Gyeongtae.” At the mention of the other man, Suyeol's eyes dragged from her to Gyeongtae, who watched on with concern. Gyeongtae gripped the phone tighter giving Suyeol a tight smile.

Suyeol hummed tiredly, gaze drifting back to his arms. Jaeseon shuffled closer again, close enough that he could reach out and grab Suyeol if needed, “give it here please,” he whispered as he held his hand out. Time seemed to freeze. They all held their breath as the watched their bleeding friend slowly reach out- for just a second he hesitated, hand shaking as he gripped the blade tighter before forcing himself to relax- he shamefully dropped the blade in Jaeseon’s hand. Jaeseon turned, tossing the blade across the room. He and Huigyeom moved forward, knees hitting the ground as each grabbed the closest arm. Suyeol hissed at the pain, weakly tugging at his arms as his head fell back to rest on the wall behind him.

“How long on that ambulance?” She shouted to Gyeongtae, “10 minutes at least.” “Aish!”

Suyeol winced again, “you're loud.” He muttered head lolling to look over at her. “Shut the fuck up dumbass! What were you thinking?!” She asked, fear making her sound furious. Suyeol’s eyes filled with tears, his stomach twisting with emotions (he cant even die without being a burden). “m sorry. didn't mean to upset you. Was just... tryin to help.” Suyeol’s voice trailed off, a lone tear escaping. Huigyeom felt her anger dissapate, leaving her as quickly as it filled her. She opened her mouth to respond- Gyeongtae spoke first his voice stern and purposeful, “I'm going to check the bathroom. See what he's taken.” He rushed off- not waiting for a response- phone still to his ear searching for clues.

Jaeseon’s eyes shot back to Suyeol, “what did you take? Suyeol, it's very important that you share with me what you took.” Suyeol paused, tired eyes wandering the room, wincing again as both friends tightened the pressure on his arms. He shrugged, “I don remember” his voice no more than a whisper now. Suyeol could feel his body drooping under the weight of gravity. He slid slightly down the wall, head and shoulder leaning closer to Jaeseon ‘s shoulder.

K was louder now, desperation clinging to him as he reached to his Suyeollie.

“Damn it Suyeol! Now is not the time to-“ 

A voice sounded from the bathroom, interrupting her. “I GOT IT!” Gyeongtae shouted, “It's Zolpidem! Prescription shouldn't run out for another month but the bottle’s empty. Says he filled it yesterday so, he mustve taken all 30.” He told both the phone and his friends, rushing to join them by Suyeol. The man blinked, “yeah- that's it” SuYeol stated lamely.

Suddenly, Suyeol’ eyes moved past his friends and caught K coming into focus, like a dream fading in and out of view. “You snitched you ass” he slurred weakly narrowing his eyes at the alter. The trio followed his gaze and saw... nothing? With questioning eyes, Gyeongtae spoke, “who...? Suyeol who are you talking to?” Suyeol ignored him in favor of glaring at the man only he could see.

“Yeah well... you're killing us,” K stated, watching the blood trail off his own arms, a strange detachment in his eyes, “What should I do? Watch you die? Let us die?” K moved forward to crouch in front of Suyeol, his normally manic eyes somber, “Let them help us, I know you're hurting, but please, we don't deserve this.” Suyeols eyes slid from K's to Jaeseon’s, “I'm sorry,” He gasped weakly, tears streaming down his face, fully relaxing into his partner’s hold, “I'm just so tired...”

Jaeseon could feel the harsh ache in his chest growing, a feeling he can only assume is his heart breaking. He pulled the broken man to his chest “shh, I know. It's going to be ok, we’re here. We aren't going anywhere, ok? Status on that ambulance??”

Gyeongtae spoke into the phone, pausing to listen, “should be pulling in any minute now” he responded, heart clenching. Suyeol’s eyes fluttered closed once more, he could feel his heart pick up as it struggled to pump blood throughout his wounded body. He struggled to make out the voices of his friends as they shook his shoulders, pleading with him to stay awake.

As the pain, both physical and emotional, faded from Suyeol’s mind, he could almost hear his brother's laugh- bouncing off the living room walls. He could smell the cheap coffee the precinct keeps stocked, feel his mother's hands brushing away his tears. He knew it was too late. He finally did something right.

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“Suyeol? Suyeol! You wake up just this second!” Huigyeom shouted, grip tightening around her friends wounds. “The ambulance just pulled up, they’ll be up shortly.” Gyeongtae informed his friends, hands shaking as he moved closer to the scene before him.

The distress written on his friends faces struck him first- making his chest twist uncomfortably. Then the blood, that became one with everything it touched. Suyeol on the other hand laid propped against Jaeseon, face unnervingly lax. Gyeongtae felt his heart twist uncomfortably as he realized this is the first time in months that his boss looked anything other than riddled with anxiety.

The door burst open behind him, interrupting his thoughts. He watched as paramedics filled the apartment, one quickly taking Huigyeom’s place as she moved to allow the men to work. At the same time, Jaeseon seemed to have a hard time allowing the newcomers close enough to Suyeol to help. Gyeongtae could barely hear Huigyeom rattling off the situation to the professionals as he watched Jaeseon’s arms tighten around the unconscious man; one arm supporting the majority of Suyeol’s weight while the other kept its tight grip on his wounds.

He felt himself move forward, hand coming to rest on Jaeseon’s shoulder. Jaeseon glanced his way eyes glossy with tears, “let them work Jaeseon, they can help him.” Gyeongtae whispered, gently pulling Jaeseon away from the body of their friend. With Jaeseon out of the way the paramedics rushed to stabilize Suyeol, as one slips an oxygen mask over his face, another applies direct pressure to his wounds and quickly secures bandages around his wrists.

The trio finds themselves huddled by the entrance to the apartment, hearts pumping, watching the paramedics fight to save their friend’s life. Huigyeom grips Jaeseon's arm, eyes never leaving the scene before her.

As one of the men begins securing an IV, Jaeseon notices Suyeol’s eyes flutter open, “Yah! His eyes,” he exclaimed gripping tightly at their arms, all three leaning in closer to hear the injured man.

A hush fell over the room, “m’sorry…” he breathed, lips pale and voice just barely audible, “didn’ wanna.. m-make truhble..” Suyeol’s eyes slip closed again, head lulling sideways as he’s lifted onto the backboard.

Unseen by anyone, K watches silently from the sidelines. He feels Suyeol's chest tighten and his heart strain to compensate for the blood loss. “I’m sorry,” he whispers to Suyeol’s body as he's carried to the ambulance downstairs, “I swore I’d protect you from everything, I’ll protect you from this too Suyoel-ah. I swear it.

It's a long drive to the hospital. The trio diving into their respected vehicles, sirens on, speeding to keep up with the ambulance saving their friend.

At the hospital...

“How did we miss this?” Jaeseon muttered, head cradled in his hands, muscles stiff against the unforgiving plastic chairs. Gyeongtae twitches, eyes never leaving his hands which are folded neatly in his lap. He says nothing, a lone tear slips down his cheek. There’s truly nothing he could say that would make this situation any better, that would make Suyeol any less suicidal or themselves anymore observant.

Huigyeom conversely, has quite a lot to say about the matter, “this is some sick joke yeah? It has to be. Theres no way Suyeol; selfish, arrogant Suyeol would do something like this.” She spoke as if she was trying to convince herself that the harsh statement were true. Her fearful eyes looking towards the other two, “Suyeol is a bastard but he's not that stupid. He.. he probably didn’t mean it, I mean he called me right? If he really wanted to die he wouldn’t have called and waited to be found, he wanted me to stop him.” When she received no response from either men— Jaeseon sagging deeper into his hands and Gyeongtae staring tearfully at his lap— she continues, almost speaking completely to herself. “It’s a joke,” she whispers feeling her voice crack, “it has to be. He cant be serious, he's never serious.”

For a moment, no one speaks. Silence interrupted by the bustling nurses and quiet hum of overhead lights.

“Family of Ryu Suyeol?” Three pairs of eyes shoot up, at the entrance of the ICU is a doctor in a wrinkled lab coat, glasses framing her tired eyes. “Yah,” Jaeseon exclaims, standing to approach the doctor, “thats us. How is he?” The woman sighs, removing her glasses to place them in her coat pocket.

“Good news is we were able to stem the bleeding and restore his body to close to normal blood volume, the bad is that your friend caused a lot of damage to his body, the wounds thankfully didn’t hit any major arteries but it was close.” Although the words are spoken with kindness, it doesn't hurt any less. Her words sink in, digging into their hearts like a dagger. “We’ve administered activated charcoal to slow the effects of the medication. He is being monitored closely but I believe he will make a full recovery given time.”

Gyeongtae moves closer, “that’s good right? Sunbae’s gonna be okay?” His voice is filled with hope- so much so that Jaeseon can feel like heart clench.

“Yah," the doctor clarifies, "this is good news. He can recover, but it’ll be hard. He’s going to be doing a lot of fighting in the future.” Huigyeom closes her eyes, fighting away the emotions she feels flooding her, “can we see him?” The doctor nods, motioning them to follow.

Entering Suyeol hospital room feels like a bad dream. A nurse moves around his silent body, quietly checking his vitals and adjusting the nasal tube on his face. She pauses as they enter, giving a quick bow as she finishes up and leaves the room. The doctor turns to Suyeol’s visitors, “his vitals are in good shape but we will continue to monitor him for the time being. Do any of you have any questions for me?”

Gyeongtae slowly raises his hand, “when is he going to wake up?” He questions quietly, eyes bouncing between his friends and the doctor, “he's going to wake up right? You’d tell us if— if he wasn’t going to?” The doctor smiles sadly, “Given the extent of the strain on his body it's nearly impossible to say for certain. Although the blood loss was a major concern, we're just as concerned about the state he was in before the attempt.”

At that Huigyeom’s eyes finally move from Suyeol to the doctor, angry eyes meeting calm. “What the hell is that supposed to mean? What aren't you telling us?” She exclaims angrily, arms crossing over her chest. She barely registers Jaeseon pull a chair up to his partner’s bedside, gently grasping his motionless hand.

“Lieutenant Ryu-nim's body has been sustaining itself on very little for quite some time,” she informs the trio, eyes connecting to each individual, conveying just how serious she is. “Based on previous visits, he has lost about 12% of his total body weight. We’re closely monitoring his vitals but the weight loss alone has put significant strain on his body.”

Jaeseon bows his head to where his hands hold Suyeol’s, shoulders drawn so tight he feels like hes going to snap. Huigyeom blanks at the implications of the doctors speech but before she can respond the doctor continues, “His body is so exhausted from the malnutrition and lack of rest that it’s essentially tapped out. His body isnt just recovering from the trauma, its catching up on a whole lot of rest.”

Huigyeom opens her mouth, almost as if to retaliate against the words, but nothing comes out. Her eyes find their way back to Suyeol, taking in his differences in appearance. Suddenly her anger feels empty, hollow.

Silence fills the room. Each member confronted with the reality of the situation, with just how much their friend was struggling. With how much they were blind to see. Its Gyeongtae who breaks the brief silence, “So 12%.. that’s really bad? But its not too big a number?” His eyes reflect his kind heart, the concern is impossible to miss just like the wetness of his cheeks. The doctor softly sighs, eyes looking between the three before meeting Jaeseon’s, “Off the record?” The man nods, eyes barely glancing to the doctor before moving back to his friend.

“His body has been slowly shutting down for quite some time. He would've been experiencing bouts of dizziness, confusion, fatigue. He would've found it harder to keep warm and stay balanced. This isn’t just a little weight loss, this is 12%, that’s weeks of consistently neglecting basic needs. Maybe even months of skipping meals and ignoring his health.” She meets Gyeongtae's eyes, her own soft but stern, “To be blunt, this is serious. If something doesn’t change... even if he wakes up, it wont matter. We’ll be right back here again.” And with that, the doctor makes her exit. Nodding to the trio and instructing them to press the call button if they need anything.

For a minute, nobody moves. All that can be heard is the rhythmic rise and fall of Suyeol’s chest and the beeps from the monitor, a constant reminder that he was alive if only just. Gyeongtae moves forward hesitantly, reaching to pull closer the chair opposite of Jaeseon. He sits, knees pressed against Suyeol’s bed, eyes never leaving his lifeless form. Huigyeom remains the only one standing, keeping distance as if it would spare her from the anguish in her heart.

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For the first night all three stay at the hospital. Sleeping in various positions throughout the room with blankets graciously provided from the nurses. It's the second night where Jaeseon just barely manages to convince Gyeongtae to take a break, encouraging him to head home for the day; rest, shower, eat some real food. It takes some convincing but eventually the younger does so, briefly taking Suyeol’s hand, assuring him that he will be back the next day. It takes significantly more convincing to get Huigyeom to do the same, given their history.

“I can't leave him, Jaeseon. I need to be here when he wakes up,” she mutters sternly, “he has to know that I wouldn’t abandon him.” Jaeseon meets her eyes, his own reflecting the emotions he feels tearing at his heart, “Doctor said its going to take time. He's not waking up today Huigyeom. Possibly not anytime soon.” The words taste bitter on his tongue, washing over the man as he sighs, eyes falling back to his fallen friend, “Go home, rest. When you return tomorrow I’ll do the same.”

Huigyeom tenses, Jaeseon can see the fight behind her eyes, can see her considering her options. She stands slowly, taking a long breath in before leaning over Suyeol and pressing her lips to his pale forehead, “I’ll be right back Suyeol-lie, don’t you give up on me.” And with that she makes to leave the room, hesitating at the door, “You’ll call if anything happens yah?” Jaeseon nods quietly. And then he was alone.

Hours pass as Jaeseon sits with Suyeols unresponsive form, hands clasps tightly around his. Despite his exhaustion, his mind reels as he combs over every interaction with Suyeol from before… this. He feels a headache forming as his jaw tightens.

The silence is nerve wracking, Suyeol is never quiet, or well, he didn’t used to be quiet. Jaeseon can't help but admit that he’s noticed a change in his friend since he first announced he was no longer ignoring the corruption in the KPD. He didn’t think much of it at the time, after all, so what if the usually eccentric and arrogant man was quieter? That happens when you're confronted with your own bad choices. He figured his partner was just reevaluating his life choices and trying to change. He thought the change would be a positive until he found that he missed his friend, he felt Suyeol was drifting away from him and he couldn’t figure out why.

So he tried to interact more; sliding to Suyeol's desk and making conversation, inviting him over for meals with his wife, offering to buy him lunch, anything. At times it seemed to be working, his friend would accept the offers gratefully, but there were other times where his friend seemed to act like a whole different person. He would swiftly change his mind mid sentence, what started as an excited yes quickly turned into nervously rattling off excuses. It was almost as if Suyeol himself was split between two different people, one that desperately wanted to connect and the other that didn’t feel worth the care.

With that, Jaeseon backed off a bit, which now showed to be the worst possible response, allowing the man his space. He was trying to push me away, he thought, throat thick with emotion, and I let him. I let him shut me out, let him believe he deserved to be alone. He brought one hand to his face, dragging it across with a sigh before returning it to its previous position. You should've noticed, his mind whispered harshly, you saw him shutting down and said nothing-

He remembers times when Suyeol seemed unsteady on his feet, where he brushed off his dizziness.

Times when he smiled, "I'm fine" he'd say. But his eyes, they weren't smiling.

He shut his eyes tightly against the voices, you let him go so easily, too easily. Threw him away before he even had a chance to convince you to. He told you didn't he? That he was lost, needing help.

Jaeseon sees flashes of interactions. Of tight smiles. Careful words.

"Sometimes I feel like my mind isn't my own."

He sees himself laugh, "Aye that's stress for yah!"

He sees the way Suyeol would begin a conversation, pause, and completely switch gears- like he was changing his mind, like he never had a chance to speak in the first place. He saw the contradictions. How his mind seemed to be constantly split between two objectives- and still, he said nothing.

I thought he wanted space. That he would come back to me when he was ready. I didn't want to make things awkward, forcing my concerns on him. I told myself that I was respecting boundaries, but I think I was just scared. Scared that he'd just push me away harder.

Jaeseon felt the moisture filling in his eyes, his rapid blinking doing little to stem the liquid gathering there. He sighs shakily eyes moving back to Suyeol’s face, “Aish, why wouldn’t you call? Huh?” He remarks quietly, voice trembling. “Did you truly think I wouldn't care?" His voice cracks mid question, "That I wouldn’t be there the second you needed me?”

He didn’t expect a response, but his heart still clenched painfully when his words were met with silence. Jaeseon turned his head from his friend to the digital clock above the entrance to the room, quietly noting the late hour. “You’re not alone, you idiot. You never were.” He whispered, resting his head on his crossed arms, right hand never once leaving Suyeol’s.

Chapter Text

Jaeseon is woken the next morning by the sound of a door closing behind him. Slowly he opens his eyes- taking in the scene in front of him. He feels the light from the blinds creeping in, hears the steady beeping of the heart monitor, and sees Suyeol’s chest rise and fall.

The stripes of lights cut across Suyeol’s face, but he doesn’t stir- not even a twitch at the intrusion. He sighs softly, stretching away the exhaustion that’s made a home in his bones. Huigyeom and Gyeongtae are back, he can smell her perfume fill the room and hear his hesitant steps as they close in.

” Good morning hyungs,” Gyeongtae speaks up timidly standing next to Jaeseon, eyes fixed on Suyeol. Jaeseon grunts tiredly in response, “Morning you too. Rest well?” He stands slowly, turning to face them both.

Gyeongtae nods, “yes sir. Very rested.” He moves closer to Suyeol without hesitation, finding himself in the same chair as before. He felt as though the proximity alone would anchor him in place.

“Good morning Jaeseon.” Huigyeom responds, eyes carefully avoiding Suyeol’s body. “Your turn to rest,” she gently places her hand on his arm, “Can you make it home or do you need one of us to drive you?”

The older man sighs, “I’d like to say I can make it but I think that would make me a liar. I’d call the wife, but she’s out of town this week.” He didn’t say what he really meant- that he wouldn’t call because he knew what would happen. He couldn’t fall apart over the phone, not while she was occupied like she was.

 “I can take him” Gyeongtae offers kindly, already watery eyes moving between the two. “I don’t mind, I know Huigyeom will take care of hyung until we return.” She sighs, ”you keep an eye on him ok?” Gyeongtae nods with a shy smile. He stands, making his way to Jaeseon- who rubs at his face tiredly, “Goodbye sunbae, goodbye Huigyeom.”

 She nods in response, wishing them both goodbye as the door closes behind them. “Well, just us huh.”

It’s when the door clicks shut that she’s suddenly aware she’s alone. In the silence she feels her emotions fester. Everything she’s pretended not to feel rushes over her like a tidal wave. It feels wrong- being here, alive and awake, while Suyeol lies unconscious. She sucks in a harsh breath, moving closer to Suyeol.

He’s so still, she thinks heart twisting. If she didn’t know any better, she’d say he was just sleeping. He looked relaxed, like he had no troubles.

She squeezes her eyes closed. When’s the last time she saw him this unbothered? This calm? She released a shuttered breath, reaching towards her ex-lovers face. I can’t remember, she thinks pausing just before her fingers connect. He twitches, brows contorting for no more than a split second. 

"Suyeol? Can you hear me?" 

Nothing...

She shakes away the thoughts, moving her hand to brush his bangs out of his face. Her hand lingers on his cheek.

She finds her eyes wandering his features, taking in the new lines of stress carved into his brow, the way his eyes twitch under lids, and the way quiet puffs of air leave his parted lips. Again, her chest tightens, eyes closing tight she hopes to prevent the tears from falling.

Her throat tightens as she steps closer to the bed. She sits down heavily, gently taking his hand as if one wrong move would break him. The silence is heavy, a constant crushing weight on her shoulders.

She swallows hard. Her thumb brushing the back of Suyeol’s hand. The silence drags on as she examines every interaction she’s had with the man in the recent months. When did this start, she wonders thinking back. She tries to pinpoint when this behavior began- the first time his hands shook when he thought no one would notice, the moment he stopped laughing at her dry jokes.

She allows her mind to drift to the past, to a case they worked just over three months ago. She tried to forget it, pushing the event to the back of her mind. But still. It haunted her.

They were investigating the captain of another department. Just as they arrived in the department the man bolted. She and Suyeol immediately making chase while Jaeseon radioed for backup. Although they started simultaneously, Suyeol’s long legs and slim frame allowed him to gain more ground quicker than Huigyeom could manage.

“I’ll cut him off!” She shouted, making a hard right down an alley.

 Suyeol kept up the chase, grabbing the man by collar and yanking him down harshly. The suspect lashed out violently.

By the time Huigyeom turned the corner, Suyeol was already down, being pinned underneath the man as violent fists rained down on him.

“Freeze!” she shouted, gun drawn. The attacker didn’t stop- angry shouts filling the alley. Then, horrifyingly, Suyeol’s hands- ones protecting his face and head- dropped suddenly, allowing the attacker to land several vicious blows.

“I said stop asshole!” When the man made no move to stop, Huigyeom pulled the trigger- striking the man in the shoulder.

He jerked away, stunned. Suyeol didn’t hesitate- he kneed the man in the crotch and, in one swift motion, he twisted their positions. Now he was situated on top of the aggressor, flipping him to his stomach and making quick work of cuffing him. Huigyeom moved forward, holstering her handgun.

“What was that?” She questioned angrily, helping Suyeol haul the man to his feet.

“What was what?” He replied, not even turning to face her.

“That! What was all that! How’d he manage to put you on your ass?” Her voice was sharp, raw with worry and adrenaline.

Suyeol rolled his eyes turning away from her, “Relax I’m fine,” he dismissed, waving her off. “I slipped alright? It’s not a big deal.”

Huigyeom opened her mouth, seething, but he was already moving, taking the suspect to the back of the nearest patrol car. Huigyeom snarled, following behind the man, “Yah- this isnt some action drama where you get to slack off and I clean up your mess. You bleed; I file paperwork.”

Suyeol turned away, ignoring her as he guiding the detained man into the cruiser. Huigyeom scoffed, shoving him against the car.

“Listen if you want to do some stupid shit like that fine! But don’t drag the rest of us into your mess. You aren’t invincible asshole, you don’t get to half-ass it and expect someone to bail you out!” Her faced burned with anger and concern.

If she had turned around, she would’ve seen the look of devastation on his face as she stormed off.

Now sitting at his bedside, basking in the harsh fluorescent light of his hospital room she considers how wrong she was- about the situation, about him. At the time, she had chalked the slip up to a mistake. But now- watching him lie there, knowing how he ended up here- she replays the moment in her mind. Her breath hitches.

He let himself get hit, she realizes with sickening clarity. What she had seen as unintentional incompetence may have actually been a cry for help- One that she easily ignored.

“You wanted him to hurt you,” A lone tear slips down her face. “You thought you deserved the pain.”

Is it my fault? Should I have been kinder?

How many times had she told him to suck it up? Used insults in a misguided attempt to motivate him to be better?

She thought back to just a day before all this, in the office before he... You told him to stop acting like a child, her mind whispered, was that the last thing he thought about himself before carving out his wrists.

More tears gathered, emotions reeling from her guilt. He had looked so tired all week, she had told him as much – I made jokes, her shoulders trembled, I made a joke out of his pain… and he laughed, oh God, he laughed.

She chokes out a watery gasp, “Aish you ass, you should’ve told me to shut it.” She pauses, trembling as she tries to ignore the pain in her chest.

“Why didn’t you come to me? Huh? Did- did you think I wouldn’t take you serious, that I wouldn’t care?”

No wonder he feels the way he does, she thinks heartbrokenly, when was the last time I gave him any genuine encouragement, or a compliment outside of a sarcastic joke.

“ One step closer to wiping that record clean, Suyeol. Keep going, you might even impress me.”

He must’ve thought she hated him. She allowed him to think she hated him. What kind of friend was she to do that to him? She let another tear fall before wiping her face.

“I’m so sorry Suyeollie. I’ll make this right, I swear. You just wake up so I can prove it.”

Chapter Text

It’s early the next morning when the boys return.

Four days. Eight hours. Thirty-six minutes.

That’s how long it’s been since they found him. Hurt, bleeding, tears streaking his face.

Four days, eight hours, thirty-six minutes since she failed him.

 The smell of coffee fills the space. Her spiral interrupted by the swinging sound of the hospital door.

“Hello,” Gyeongtae greets, bowing slightly to Huigyeom. She nods in return, gratefully accepting coffee Jaeseon offers.

Gyeongtae turns, “Good morning Sunbae Suyeol.” His voice is soft, “I hope you’re sleeping well.” He smiles- a broken sight- and returns to his position at Suyeol’s side, eyes scanning for any change in his hyung’s appearance.

Jaeseon moves forward, hand resting on her shoulder. “You alright?” he whispers, sinking into the chair on her right.

“Peachy.” She huffs, fingers tightening around her cup. Jaeseon sighs, leaning forward, elbows moving to rest on his knees. Wordlessly, he gathers Suyeol’s hand in his own. A silence fills the room. Tense, uncomfortable.

Huigyeom feels her emotions rise. It’s irrational, she knows that. It’s not Jaeseon’s fault they’re in this situation. But still… she’s upset. Afraid. Here she is watching her best friend slip away, reeling in the aftermath of his decision, and there’s nothing she can do. She’s helpless.

“Are we gonna talk about it?” Her words come out sharp- blunt. She hears Gyeongtae inhale sharply; feels Jaeseon tense.

“About what exactly?” He speaks softly, words taut, frame tense.

“What do you mean about what?” She speaks angrily now, “about this! About him- about what he did!”

“I’d rather not.” Jaeseon sounds defeated, voice tired and shoulders losing their tension. And for some reason beyond her control, it just pisses her off.

“Yeah well, I don’t think we have a choice.” She spits, turning fully in her chair to face him. “I might be the only one, but I want to know how we missed this. How is it that three of the so-called best detectives in Korea can miss a suicide attempt.” Gyeongtae flinches, eyes bouncing nervously between the two .

“I don’t know.” Jaeseon mutters, shoulders sagging impossibly lower.

“Huh? Speak up-“

“I DON’T KNOW,” the words escape him loudly, cutting Huigyeom short. The burst of emotion seems to startle even himself, “I… I just don’t know, ok. I don’t know how I missed it.” Jaeseon’s voice trembles towards the end, almost speaking to himself.

Suyeol twitches.

The movement is real yet unnoticed in the commotion- much like the form flickering into view. It sticks to the shadows, visible for only a moment before it’s gone again.

Huigyeom feels the anger melt away, leaving her just as quickly as it came. A different emotion takes its place, crushing her chest and forcing the air from her lungs.  

“It’s my fault,” she chokes out, shutting her eyes against the onslaught of tears. Jaeseon’s head turns sharply, “yah! What are you on about?” His voice drips with concern- concern she can’t help but feel she doesn’t deserve.

“It’s my fault. I- I noticed. I saw the odd behavior, noticed his pain- and I made a joke out of it.” Her hands tremble and she can’t stop the words now. “I called him dramatic, a child, I- I told him to grow up and figure it out or… or to shut the hell up about it.” Her words come out choked, voice broken. She can feel Gyeongtae’s eyes, see Jaeseon’s face twist uncomfortably.

“Yah, no. It’s not your fault Huigyreom-ah,” he says, gently taking the cup from her. “You had no way of knowing it was getting this bad, that he felt this way.” His voice is quiet, almost hesitant, cutting through the silence as he places his hands over hers. “But I knew something was wrong!” Her voice rises-

Another twitch. Behind the fog, K feels… something.

“Look me in my eyes and tell me I didn’t damn near give him permission!” She stood quickly, her chair scraping harshly against the floor, tears in her eyes, frame trembling. She barely registers the sharp intake of breath from her left- Gyeongtae watches the interaction, brows drawn, eyes wide.

Jaeseon stands with her. “No, Huigyeom. You didn’t.” He takes her hands again. “Did you tell him he needed to die?” She flinched, eyes dropping to his chest. She could feel the shame crawling up her throat- she wanted to scream. She shook her head briefly, selfishly taking the comfort he offered. Look at what you did to Suyeol, you don’t deserve comfort.

“Then you didn’t give him permission. None of us did.” He motioned to each of them, arm moving quickly before returning to rest on hers. “This isn’t on you, okay?” She feels his grip on her hands tighten.

“If this is anyone’s fault- it’s mine.” Jaeseon smiles softly, more like a grimace, as he releases her hands. He sinks back into the cold plastic chair. Huigyeom stiffens, almost surprised- like the idea had never occurred to her- before she lowers herself into the seat beside him. She feels heavy, as if the words physically put weight on her shoulders. She wonders if the others feel it too.

“You didn’t say it either.” She whispers, “You didn’t want this.” She tries to meet his eyes.

Jaeseon’s hands move to cover his face, body shaking. “I left him- abandoned him when he needed me.” His voice trembles. “I knew he was pushing me away and- I let him. I told- no, convinced myself he needed space. That he’d come to me when he was ready.”

Huigyeom places a gentle hand on his forearm, eyes connecting. “You were good to him, Jaeseon.” He shakes her off weakly, undeserving of her kindness. “I saw him withering away and ignored it. I saw the signs. The symptoms. And I just pretended he was fine. Like it wasn’t my business.”

His eyes drift to Suyeol’s face, taking in the way it’s twisted, just slightly- as if even on the edge of death he’s still tormented.

“You couldn’t know either,” she whispers.

He gives a hollow, humorless laugh, muffled by his hands.

“I suspected.”

“But you couldn’t know. He didn’t tell us- hell, he probably couldn’t even admitted it to himself.” She looks to Suyeol. “You didn’t leave him. You were still there. You’re with him now.” She looks back to Jaeseon.

“He’s still alive, still breathing. That means there’s a chance for us to fix this.”

Jaeseon has nothing left to say. The words washing over him like a wave of hope. He clenches his eyes, hoping to avoid drowning in the emotions of it all.

Huiegyeom turns her body back toward Suyeol. She felt overwhelmed- not sure she could truly believe that this wasn’t her fault.

The room fell still, the kind of silence that settles in your bones, tearing you apart from the inside out. It’s in this silence that Gyeongtae cracks, he sniffs. Although a quiet sound, both detectives snap to attention, eyes shifting to the previously silent man.

Quiet tears slip from his eyes, staining his cheeks, darkening his collar of his clothes. He isn’t ashamed of his tears- no, he knows his heart was one of his greatest strengths. But right now, he feels anything but strong.

“I’m afraid.” He whispers, voice barely heard.

“I… I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do.”

Jaeseon feels his heart twist again. “There’s not much we can do, kid. We just need to keep him company.” Huigyeom nods, silently reaching across Suyeol to grasp Gyeongtae’s hand.

“I worry…” Gyeongtae starts, pausing when the emotion swells. “I worry that this might be my fault.” Huigyeom opens her mouth a few times before settling on, “Why would it be your fault?”

“I was so busy looking up to him. I didn’t even see him falling apart.” Gyeongtae breaths in unsteadily, wiping at his face with his hand- unsuccessfully trying to dry his tears.

“I kept thinking he could handle anything, so I ignored any proof that he wasn’t. Was it me? Was I putting too much pressure on him, expecting him to be perfect even when he was fighting for his sanity?”

“No.”

Jaseon’s voice was deep and riddled with exhaustion. He raises his head from his hands, observing Gyeongtae’s heartbroken expression.

“No Gyeongtae, it’s not on you.” He turns to face Huigyeom now, voice glum.

“It’s on us, at least a bit. We’ve known Suyeollie for a long time- seen every versions of him. Every high and low. We just… ignored it this time. Too caught up in the high to notice him fall.” Huigyeom swallows hard, Jaeseon’s words sting, like sharp barbs digging into her chest.

You deserve this, her mind whispers harshly, but he doesn’t.

The truth of her thoughts pushes her to speak- to take the blame off Gyeontae’s shoulders.

“Yah, this isn’t on you.” She expresses, voice firm but kind. “Suyeol saw himself as your protector. Your hyung. He would never do anything to jeopardize you or your opinion of him.”

Silence follows her words, and for a moment, just a moment, it’s not suffocating.

The air is quiet. Calm almost. Like today is just another day- like Suyeol isn’t lying lifeless in front of them.

Gyeongtae sighs, staying quiet. No one speaks. Not for some time.

They just sit- Huigyeom with one hand on Suyeol, the other still tangled with Gyeongtae’s. Jaeseon’s chin rests on his own hand.

They watch. Watch Suyeol’s chest rise and fall. Slow, measured breaths assisted by the tube secured to his face.

They listen. To the steady beeping of machines. The faint laughter from somewhere out of sight. The sounds of a fragile body still holding on.

Gyeongtae lets the stillness settle in his bones.

He doesn’t try to fix it. Doesn’t speak up.

He just sits.

Because right now, it feels like all he can do.

Chapter Text

It’s Huigyeom who breaks the silence, “I need to get some air.” She speaks quietly, almost to herself. Her chair creaks softly as she stands, releasing both Gyeongtae and Suyeol.

A soft sigh, a slight hesitation. Then she’s gone- door drifting closed behind her.

It’s only a moment later when Jaeseon himself stands, joints popping as he stretches.

“I’m going to head to the cafeteria,” he says quietly. “You want me to grab you anything? Coffee? Snacks?” Gyeongtae has enough sense to shake his head, earning him a quiet sigh in response.

“I’ll grab you something anyway,” Jaeseon murmurs. He offers Gyeongtae a tired pat on the shoulder as he makes his way out the door.

Suddenly, it’s back to silence. That same heavy silence he feels hollow out his heart. He tries to think back. To remember a time when Suyeol might’ve hinted at his mental decline. A time before being dragged out of the police station by Jaeseon.

He can’t get past that moment. The fear he felt. He still feels the fear cling to him, like a second layer of skin. You’d think he would feel better about it now- now that he could see Suyeol in front of him. Alive. Breathing. But he doesn’t. He might actually feel worse.

Suddenly he’s back in the car again.

He feels his chest seize. The motion of Jaeseon’s vehicle doing nothing to ease the tension in his chest. It feels almost as if he can’t take in any air. Even as Jaeseon speaks, Gyeongtae feels as though he can’t process the words. It’s as if the words dissolve quicker than his brain can process.

“He’s… Hurt himself?” The words- barely whispered, cut through the air.

He barely hears Jaeseon respond. “I- I’m not sure. All Huigyeom said was that he sounded funny and- and she thinks he might’ve... Hurt himself somehow.” He watches Jaeseon’s hands tighten on the wheel, his voice faltering.

“She said he mentioned taking something, maybe pills… And blood. We won’t know till we get there.”

A tense pause. A shaky sigh.

“Just… just be ready for anything, alright?”

The words don’t sink in. Not really. All he can hear is this mind-numbing ringing, loud and angry, like static buzzing under his skin. His hands grip tighter at the seatbelt across his chest.
No. Hyung wouldn’t. Not like that. If.. if he did then it must’ve been an accident. Right?

“Yah! Don’t do that.” Jaeseon’s hand comes across the seat to pat gently on Gyeongtae’s chest. Gyeongtae can feel himself jolt at the suddenness of the touch. “I need you with me, yeah? I need you ready for whatever we’re about to walk into.”

He releases a shaky breath, nodding in a way he hopes seems more confident than he feels. The car coming to a stop knocks him back to reality. He unbuckles, moving swiftly to exit the car as Jaeseon and Huigyeom do the same.

It takes almost no time for them to reach Suyeol’s apartment. Huigyeom shakily typing in the code. The door clicking open. And… Oh God.

It’s worse. It’s so much worse than he could’ve imagined.

For a brief moment he’s hit with a terrifying thought, oh my god is he dead?

He can see Suyeol from the door. Smell the iron. See the blood. He freezes. This can’t be real, he thinks. Suyeol isn’t that type of guy, he reasons. But there’s nothing he can say to change what he sees right in front of him.

And what he sees is a suicide attempt. And Gyeongtae can’t breathe.

Jaeseon’s hand on his shoulder wakes him up and he’s thankful for the quiet order, “Call 119.” He fumbles for his phone, quickly typing in the numbers and holding the cell to his ear.

“This is 119. What is the emergency?”

“This is Officer Oh Gyeongtae from Seobu Violent Crimes. I need an ambulance to my location as soon as possible for an officer in distress.” The words come out automatically. Level. Much calmer than he feels. “Officer Ryu Suyeol appears to have attempted to take his life. I’m seeing four deep wounds on each wrist.”

He feels as though the air is sucked straight from his lungs when Suyeol meets his eyes. What had Huigyeom said? He grips the phone tighter, giving Suyeol a smile that he’s sure looks more like a cringe. The ringing is back, almost overpowering the voice of the woman in his ear.

“How long on that ambulance?” Huigyeom shouts over the ringing. Gyeongtae feels himself startle.

“Ten minutes at least,” he responds.

What am I missing?

He’s forgetting something- something incredibly important.

He took something. Jaeseon mentioned pills.

 Suddenly the ring stops, all at once he’s thrown back into reality.

“I’m going to check the bathroom,” he calls out, both to his friends and the woman on the phone. “See what he’s taken.” He doesn’t wait for a response from the detectives, just moves swiftly to the restroom.

Once inside he’s thrown by the state of disarray. The place is a mess. It’s very unlike Suyeol to leave anything this chaotic. He moves quickly, stepping over towels and clothing shrewn across the floor, quiet footsteps punctuated by the sharp crunching of glass beneath his soles. He makes it to the source of the broken glass. What once was a mirror is now a shattered fragment of glass and poor perception.

Did he do this before he…

He shakes the thought away, trying not to ponder on that for too long. He turns- focusing on prying the cabinet open to reveal what lies behind the mirror.

He finds… Nothing. Well not nothing nothing. Just nothing that helps him.

There’s a toothbrush, toothpaste, a bottle of advil, and other hygiene items.

“Aish,” he curses quietly, moving the phone away from his face and placing it on speaker. He places it on the sink. “There’s nothing in this cabinet,” he tells the operator. “I’m going to keep looking.”

He again doesn’t wait for a response. He moves further into the large bathroom. He opens drawers and cabinets in a rush. He barely hesitates as he dumps the contents into the floor, adding to the mess. Hardly taking notice of the kind voice speaking through his phone as he searches.

More and more cabinets come up empty, “Aish how many cabinets does one need?” He mutters incredulously.

“Seriously half of these are empty-“

He feels his breath catch.

There. In the corner of his eye, he sees it. A little wooden box. In the farthest corner of the room- tucked just barely in view from its spot behind the sink. He races forward, hands yanking it from its hiding spot. His heart hammers in his chest, please let this be it.

He opens it and two things catch his eye. The first is the open box of brand-new razor blades, single wrapped, ready to be used.

This must be what he used-

No.

He pushes past the thought, physically shaking his head to remove those thoughts. His hand wraps around the prescription, bringing it closer. His hands shake, adrenaline spiking as he reads aloud.

“Zol-pi-dem. Zolpidem! I GOT IT!” He shouts, removing the phone from speaker and pressing it back to his ear.

“It’s Zolpidem!” He shouts, returning to his friends- to Suyeol. “Prescription shouldn’t run out for another month but the bottle’s empty. Says he filled it yesterday so, he must’ve taken all thirty.” His voice cracks on the number.

He can feel the pit in his stomach grow as he hears the operator update emergency services. The information she shares with them- and consequently himself- does nothing to ease the dreadful feeling.

“You snitched, you ass.” Gyeongtae’s head snaps back towards Suyeol at the words. But Suyeol isn’t looking at him. He’s looking past him. He follows Suyeol’s gaze- and sees… nothing?

“Who…?” he begins, feeling uncertainty rise. “Suyeol who are you talking to?”

He doesn’t receive a response from his hyung. Just sees the man’s face twist before crumbling.

“I think he’s hallucinating,” Gyeongtae tells the operator. He can hear her pass the information along. He’s cut off by a weak gasp.

“I’m sorry,” Suyeol’s crying now- openly. Gyeongtae’s never seen him do that before.

“I’m just so tired…”

Gyeongtae clenches his eyes shut against the memory. He sniffs loudly as he wipes at his eyes- trying desperately to think of something- anything else. He shifts in his chair, the harsh plastic chairs creaking under his weight.

Instead, he pushes his mind further. Deeper into his memories, searching for those moments- the moments he’s trained to notice, the ones that pointed to this. He remembers Suyeol comforting him in times where he was down. Times when things hadn’t gone their way or a case went awry.

“ .. Hey, keep your head up yah?” the man had told him, a gentle hand briefly landing on his shoulder before it’s pulled away. His eyes were turned away, looking anywhere but at the man in front of him.

“You’ve got good instincts, don’t doubt that. This world needs more good cops like you.” He hadn’t waited for Gyeongtae to respond. Just turned away quickly, moving back to resume his previous task.

Gyeongtae thought nothing of it at the time, focused selfishly on nothing other than the swell in his chest from the rarely given compliment. Looking back, he can’t help but analyze the words. Did I miss something? He questions, fingers gently wrapping around Suyeol’s hand.  

He remembers the seemingly random, unexpected moments of kindness.

“You’re a good cop, Gyeongtae.” The man had told him, catching him off guard in the quiet, nearly empty station. “Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.” The man smiled, almost bitterly.

“Especially not me. I give you shit, but- you’re solid. Don’t lose that, yeah?” The words were quiet, but sincere. Filling the quiet space with an odd air as Suyeol swiftly stood, leaving the room.

Again, Gyeongtae wonders why he hadn’t said anything. No thank you, no quiet question. Nothing but the faint echo of Suyeol’s steps.

 And now, when it’s too late- when all he hears is the methodical beeps of machinery- he remembers. Remembers the heavy words spoken just weeks ago. Words that left him uneasy, even then- before all of this. Before he knew how far his hyung had fallen.

“If I screw up one of these days,” the man had begun, stopping Gyeongtae in his tracks. Suyeol’s eyes never left the window as he stood stiffly, a frown etched into his face. “Don’t blame yourself.” Gyeongtae felt himself frown at that, face matching the discontent he felt at the words.

“I mean it,” Suyeol continued, turning his head slightly, eyes connecting with Gyeongtae’s for only a moment. “You care too much. It’s not the worst thing- but it’ll make things harder.” His gaze flicked back to the window.

“Don’t let it bury you.”

Looking back, he feels he should’ve noticed the shift in behavior and addressed it. Should’ve seen the influx of compliments, of confessions, for what they truly were- the penance of a broken man. With tears in his eyes, he realizes he’s letting his heart bury him.

It feels deserving, like he deserves to drown in this pain. After all, Suyeol told him, didn’t he? Told him he was suffering, fighting his own mind. How else does one justify those words, spoken that way, in that moment?

He keeps thinking, mind stuck in a vicious loop- frantically sorting through every interaction, every moment of doubt. Categorizing moments when hyung’s eyes seemed just a little too sad, his words a little too rushed.

“Hyung?” Gyeongtae speaks quietly, gently placing his hand on Suyeol’s arm. He watches the older man blink once- twice- before turning his attention to the younger, a soft yet guarded look in his eyes.

“Hm?” the man questions, voice just as quiet as Gyeongtae’s.

“Are you alright?” Suyeol blinks again, eyes carefully blank.

“Yah, I’m fine Gyeongtae. Just tired is all.”

Gyeongtae is sure that the smile is supposed to come off as confident, but it looks far too sad to him.

“Are you sure?” He asks again, eyes searching.

“You can tell me, you’re making me worry.” He adds. Although earnest, Gyeongtae feels as though the words have a negative effect on his hyung. He can practically see the man’s defenses rise.

“Yah, I’m fine! Don’t waste your time worrying about me, Gyeongtae-ah.” The words are said with just a bit too much cheer to be genuine.

“There’s plenty of others that could use your attention. Plenty of cases too. Just worry about keeping up that stellar police work, yeah?”

And just like that, the man is gone- swiftly shaking off the Gyeongtae’s hand and turning the corner.

Gyeongtae could feel that familiar dread returning- stubbornly pressing up into his throat. He brought a shaky hand up to rub at his neck, trying to force it away. It’s that same dread that only seems to show itself after strange talks with Suyeol.

Gyeongtae’s throat feels tight again, that dread seems to have climbed its way into his airway, digging itself in- making itself at home. It seems that the mere thought of it is enough to invite it back.

He feels more tears gathering in his eyes, can feel the pressure building in his sinuses, in his head.

“You’d think it wouldn’t bother me much anymore,” He spoke quietly, running his hands over Suyeol’s.

“The tears I mean. With how often I find myself crying, you’d think I’d be better at managing it.” Gyeongtae sniffed again, not bothering to wipe the fresh tears carving down his cheeks. He bows his head.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Suyeol-ah.” The words are choked, barely making it out in one piece. “I’m sorry I missed this, I’m sorry you didn’t feel you could come to me with this.”

Lips twitch downward. Somehow, Gyeongtae misses it.

“I wish I could’ve helped you the way you helped me, the way you continue to help me.” Gyeongtae’s words barely make it out through the mess of tears.

“But it doesn’t matter now, because we missed it. All of us. But we’re here now. We’re listening now. You just…” The words catch in his throat. “You just need to wake up so we can show you.”

Gyeongtae falls silent. There’s so much more he can say, he needs to say- and yet the words escape him. So, he remains quiet, tears streaking his face, head bowed. It’s only once he hears the door opening in front of him that he raises his head.

He knows he must look like a mess from the glances Jaeseon and Huigyeom exchange as they enter the room. They say nothing, graciously ignoring his tears as they resume their positions at Suyeol’s side. Huigyeom sighs as she moves to take her seat, hand gently coming to brush Suyeol’s bangs from his face.

A figure flickers fully into view just as her hand connects, eyes blank from where he stands at the foot of Suyeol’s bed. The man, unseen to the trio, tilts his head- hand coming to rest on Suyeol’s leg.

“Suyeollie. Wake up.”

Chapter Text

This sucks, is the first thing K finds himself thinking once he’s fully present, hand still resting on Suyeol’s leg. His eyes wander the room briefly, taking in the sounds of machines, the smells of a hospital. He can feel the tense atmosphere that’s settled around him, it feels heavy- serious in a way that K has always hated. One he’s always- secretly- desperate to avoid.

“It stinks in here Suyeollie,” K pauses to sniff the air in an exaggerated sense. “Like bleach and bad choices.” K stands at the foot of the bed. He feels oddly unsure, like he doesn’t know what to do with his body. With his hands. He shoves them into his pockets, rolling his shoulders and letting out a huff. His eyes wander a bit more, taking in the people in front of him. Huigyeom sits to Suyeol’s left, near the head of the bed. She sits down softly, moving her hand from Suyeol’s face to his hand. She sighs quietly, hunched in a way that makes K’s heart ache oddly.

“Aish, look what you’ve done idiot.” K mutters- ignoring the feeling. K’s eyes never leave Huigyeom’s exhausted face as he speaks. He drinks up every sign of stress- of exhaustion.

“You’ve got Huigyeom all stressed out.” He continues, shifting his gaze from her to Gyeongtae. The younger man sits directly across from her, hand also gently holding Suyeol’s. Strangely, the sight hurts, sharp enough that K has to look away, eyes moving to the last teammate. Jaeseon sits in the seat to Huigyeom’s left, his elbows propped up on Suyeol’s bedside, head in his hands. K can practically hear the man’s thoughts race.

His gaze bounces between the team once more before landing back on Suyeol’s body. He tries to ignore how small the man looks, how pale. Like a corpse pretending to be alive. He ignores the bandages covering Suyeol’s wrists, the wires connecting him to the machines surrounding him.

“You know, this is a terrible look for you, Suyeollie.” The alter breathes, rocking on his heels like the motion could dispel the uncomfortable ache in his chest.

“Really, it is. You look ridiculous.” He hadn’t meant for the words to land so heavily- to come out so sharp. He felt like they were digging directly into his heart, making room for something worse to burrow in. K took a step back, as if moving away would separate him from the emotions swelling in his chest, from the anger he felt clawing its way into his throat.

”This is stupid.” The man huffs, pulling his hands from his pockets and folding his arms across his chest. It was probably irrational to feel angry now, when his anger got him into this mess. But rationality was never his strong suit.

”After everything I’ve done to keep you alive- all the stupid stunts- you try this?” The man scoffs, it’s a sharp sound. One that seems to echo through the room.

”Ugh, how could you do this? Huh?” K takes another step back, pacing for a moment before turning back to face Suyeol. “In what world does this solve anything?” His words are quiet now, almost disbelieving as he runs his hand over his mouth. K moves forward, fingers flexing as both hands move to grip the railing at the foot of the bed.

“How did I miss this?” His eyes focus solely on Suyeol. The rest of the room blurs, everyone else fading into the background.

“No…” The words are only a whisper, cutting through the ambient sounds of the room. “No, I didn’t miss it. I ignored it.” K’s hands grip the railing harshly, he feels upset- angry. But not at Suyeol. Not this time.

Right now, he’s only angry at himself. Angry that it’s gotten this far. Angry that he let it get this far.

Angry that this might be his fault.

He thinks back to Tuesday, the day Suyeol attempted to… to kill them. He shutters at the thought- forcing his mind back to remember the small dark room that Suyeol locked him away in. Trying to keep him far enough away that he couldn’t interfere- couldn’t save them. He recalls every moment…

He feels Suyeol’s hands on him, hears his words echoing around the distorted space as he’s thrown into darkness.

“I’m gonna do everyone a favor and finally fucking kill myself.” The words rattle him, ricocheting off the walls of Suyeol’s mind and through the darkness. They dig into K’s skin like glass, sharp and stinging.

He looks around, there isn’t much to see. In fact, K can’t see anything. It’s completely dark here, he feels his heart pump faster.

I have to get out of here. Get back to Suyeol. He moves forward in the darkness, hands outstretched- hoping to find a door. After a few moments- thank God- his hand finds the knob. He fumbles for a few seconds, turning it as he pushes the door open and… fuck. More doors.

K moves into the hallway, eyes flickering between the seemingly endless amount of doors. He starts walking slowly at first, tugging at each door he passes.

He feels trapped, enclosed. I need to get out.

K walks faster- dread and anxiety leak from the walls- clinging to him like glue. He tugs on more handles, feeling his breathing pick up as the corridor seems to grow longer.

He starts running- not bothering with the doors as he rushes down the hallway. His feet pound on the carpeted floor, arms pumping as he looks for a way out-. For a way back to Suyeol. He doesn’t stop running until he something. A voice. He stops in his tracks, eyes frantically searching for the source of the voice.

There. He grasps at the doorknob, ear flush against the cold wood as he listens.

Is that..?

Jaeseon! K tries the knob, yanking harshly. Locked, damn.

K backs up, bouncing in place before rushing forward- dropping his shoulder as he throws himself against the door. It shutters but doesn’t budge. He tries again. And again. And again. Still nothing.

“You’ve got to be kidding me!” He shouts, raking his hands through his hair as he backs up again. His face is red, chest heaving. Rage and fear washing over him.

K yells as he rushes forward again, body slamming into the door just enough to throw it open. He falls through the door with a grunt- crashing against the ground. Hope fills him as he hurries to stand and- fuck.

Empty. Again.

There’s actually nothing. The room is dark, no sign of anyone- and yet he can hear voices bleeding through the walls. Muffled. Distorted. But still recognizable. It’s Huigyeom saying something about an ambulance. Gyeongtae responding faintly, though he can’t quite make out the words. And Jaeseon- cursing. K spins around, frantically searching for another way out.

I’m running out of time. The words are all he can think as he searches the dark room. He sees nothing at first, chest heaving faster, frustration clawing its way up his throat. He moves further into the room, palms dragging across the wall, hoping for… something. He comes across a different texture, not smooth wallpapered walls but something different.

He knocks. Wood. This is wood- it’s a door.

He feels for the knob, grabbing it tightly and twisting. Locked again. Every fucking door just has to be locked.

“I’m getting really fucking tired of you locking me out Suyeollie!” K shouts, hands already pounding on the door. “Let me out!” He screams, movements frantic as he desperately throws his fists into the door.

Something suddenly feels wrong- cold. It’s as if the temperature plummets- something not possible in a room conjured by Suyeol’s mind. His hands pause only briefly as he turns towards the door he came through.

The hallway is fading. If K were capable of throwing up, he would’ve done so at the sight. He’s dying. K thinks, turning back to the unseen door, and I can’t get to him. He tries harder, throwing his body into the door with more energy than before. He can feel the screams tearing out of his throat. The sounds that leave him sound inhuman. Feral. Anguished.

“Please,” He screams, still ramming the door. “Please, let me out! Suyeol please!” The door won’t budge- Suyeol won’t budge. K stops, choking back tears. He bends over, almost crumbling to the ground as he looks back at the door.

He hears Gyeongtae shout something- can feel Suyeol mutter a response. Then a hand- a touch, phantom hands wrapping around his arms- around Suyeol’s arms. Hands he knows all too well.

Huigyeom.

I won’t let him die. K stands again, breathing deeply as he walks backwards.

“I’m coming Suyeollie.” He runs forward, crashing into the door- it cracks open.

Light.

K brushes away the memory, running a hand over his face before leaning on the railing again.

“I saw you shutting down,” he thinks aloud, shaking his head. “Felt your light going out, and- I thought… No, I hoped- you’d give it to me when it got too much. That’s how this works, right? Shit gets hard and I take over.” K’s shoulders sag, his voice dropping.

”What’s the point of me if I can’t…” His voice trails off, head hanging. A sharp breath. K’s hands tighten on the railing one final time before he straightens completely, pushing off the rails and stepping back. He feels tense, stiff.

He can’t tell if the feeling’s coming from Suyeol- God don’t let this be how Suyeol feels- or if it’s from his own mental state. He hopes it’s not some echo of Suyeol’s pain- that Suyeol isn’t hurting right now. K pushes through the feeling, his voice dropping, thick with emotion.

“I can’t believe that you… you planned this. Hid this from me for God knows how long… You shoved it all away- locked in some dark corner of your head and shut me out.” K can feel his throat tighten as he forces the words out.

“You lied to me. Told me you were fine, that everything was ok. You waited untill I wasn’t looking, till I wasn’t paying attention, then you drugged us. You tried to kill us.”

K swallows hard, jaw clenching. “And I should be pissed- I should hate you for doing this to us. Curse your name for the rest of our life for what you almost took from me… but I can’t. All I can think about is how damn quiet you are, how cold your mind feels now. I-“ K takes a shuttering breath, “I didn’t realize how loud it’s been, how overwhelmed you must’ve felt with all that noise.”

“You should’ve said something- told me you were hurting. Left a note, a goodbye, something. But you didn’t. You left nothing… you said nothing.” K glances at the bandages- stark white against Suyeol’s unusually pale skin- for just a moment before looking away, heart clenching in his chest.

“Did- did I do this? Was I too much, too harsh?” K moves slightly closer, hands hesitantly reaching out before he shoves them back into his pockets.

“Why would you choose now to start listening to my bullshit- to start believing all the cruel shit I say… I thought- I thought that I could keep hitting you with the hard stuff, that you could take it.” K clenches his eyes shut for a moment. “That if I kept the heat on you wouldn’t have time to sink.” K shakes his head, moving closer again until he’s next to Huigyeom at Suyeol’s side.

“I was wrong, huh?” His words sound flat. Monotone. Tired. “You’re not weak, Suyeollie. You’re not a coward. You didn’t do… this because you’re selfish. You did it because you were drowning. And I should’ve helped, should’ve dragged you out of the mud- out of your mind. But I didn’t. I just watched.” He leans forward slightly, gaze fixed to Suyeol’s face, taking in his features. He absorbs the way his cheeks sink in, how the paleness of his skin emphasizes the bags under his eyes.

“I won’t do it again, Suyeollie, I won’t screw up again. But… you’ve got to meet me halfway, yeah? I need you to fight your way back to us. To me. I know it’s hard… but if you just come back…” K leans his head even closer, pressing his forehead to Suyeol’s temple, eyes squeezed shut.

“Everyone is here for you. Right now. This room is full of people who care- who love you. And we still need you. You can’t leave us yet… not like this.”

Chapter Text

On the sixth day, something changes. Suyeol begins to stir. It starts slow. A slight twitch. A hitched breath.

It goes unnoticed. Until it doesn’t.

Huigyeom is watching him when it happens, eyes focused on the way his brow suddenly furrows. She blinks, unsure if this is another unconscious twitch- unwilling to dare hope it might be something more. She doesn’t dare look away, not for a second, her hand gently cradling Suyeol’s when it happens again.

His brows twitch. Then his lashes flutter.

In a heartbeat, Huigyeom is on her feet, leaning over Suyeol, adrenaline pumping. “Yah! Suyeol? Suyeol-ah can you hear me?” She feels Jaeseon jolt at the movement, sees Gyeongtae move to rise. They’re both beside her in seconds.

No one notices K push away from the wall, moving from his position to stand nearby, peering at Suyeol with the same careful hope carved on everyone’s faces.

“What happened?” Jaeseon blurts, forcing his phone into his pocket. “Did something happen? What did you see?” Huigyeom says nothing at first. She just stares at Suyeol, mind blank, breath caught in her throat.

Come on Suyeol, she thinks desperately. Please… Wake up.

A tense moment passes. No one moves, no one dares to speak- frozen in the silence. Seconds pass and fear seizes in her chest. Maybe she imagined it- maybe she’s finally losing it.

A groan… soft. Weak.

It’s Suyeol.

Oh my God. Huigyeom lunges forward, hands cradling his face.

“Suyeol-ah? Can you hear me jagiya?” She can hear Gyeongtae moving, grabbing the door and flinging it open.

“We need a doctor in here, now!” He shouts down the hall, his voice is rushed- caught between panic and a desperate kind of hope. He makes it back to Suyeol just in time to see his eyes crack open.

At first, it’s only a thin sliver of light he registers. Thin yet blinding. His lashes flutter against the intrusion, brows furrowing in discomfort. The world comes to him in jumbled fragments.

It starts as a faint ringing. One that magnifies into coherent sounds- the hum of machinery first, then the smell of antiseptics, then… a touch.

Soft. Gentle. Huigyeom.

He registers his body next- the ache in his bones, the stiffness to his muscles. A twinge of pain crawls up his arms. Burrowing in his chest. Then, that touch again. It’s careful in the way it cradles his face, filling his mind with all things her.

Her smell, her touch, her heartbeat.

He peels his eyes open, desperate for a glimpse of her- of anything familiar. But he finds himself unable to make sense of what he sees. His gaze, unfocused, takes in a mirage of blurs. Colors and shapes infiltrate his vision, making an indecipherable mess of anything in his line of sight.

He grunts as he blinks. Slow and dragging- as if he can barely remember how.

Suyeol forces his eyes open again and this time… this time he sees.

Huigyeom sees the exact moment Suyeol truly sees her- not just glances her way but really sees her. His gaze locks on her. Her face. Her eyes. She feels the way his breath stutters against her palms. Her grip tightens just slightly, thumbs brushing softly along his cheekbones.

“It’s okay,” she whispers to him, eyes filling with grateful tears. “I’m here. We’re all here.” She watches his gaze drift, roaming the room. She can only imagine how disoriented he must be.

“You’re in the hospital Suyeol. Do you remember what happened?”

Suyeol’s face scrunches, confusion apparent. His mouth parts, but no noise escapes. She sees a flicker of frustration cross his face.

“Hey, hey.” Jaeseon interrupts, leaning forward into Suyeol view. “Don’t speak now. You’ve been asleep for days. Take your time, okay?” Again, Suyeol’s face contorts in confusion, gaze weakly fluttering between the two, searching for something. He tries again, opening his mouth. The words cling together loosely. Sounds tumbling out to form barely recognizable sentences.

“Wha’s… goin’… on…?” the words are mumbled, dragging together, voice rough from disuse.

“Why’re… y’here…?”

Now it’s Huigyeom’s turn to be confused. She glances at Jaeseon, noting his similar look of confusion, then to Gyeongtae who tilts his head at Suyeol. She meets his eyes again, mouth open and ready to respond when the door flies open again.

“Excuse me!” The doctor who rushes in the same one who’s overseen Suyeol’s case since he arrived. She steps forward with purpose, a nurse following close behind. She moves to take Huigyeom’s place, to examine her patient.

Huigyeom hesitates for only a moment before Jaeseon takes her by the arms, gently moving her away from Suyeol’s side. She can see Suyeol’s gaze follow her, eyes wide, suddenly startled.

“We’re still here, Suyeol. Just letting the doctor through.” It’s Gyeongtae that speaks, voice calm as man’s heart monitor picks up, the steady pace disrupted by Suyeol’s distress. He steps back and away, joining the others and allowing the nurse to examine the machinery connected to his Hyung. The nurse carefully records Suyeol’s vitals.

“Yes, Mr. Ryu Suyeol, your friends are still here. I just need them to step aside so I can check you over.” The doctor pauses, adjusting the bed to bring Suyeol into a sitting position. She wastes no time beginning her examination.

“My name is Dr. Kim. Can you hear me properly?” She waits for his slow tentative nod before she continues.

“Good. I’m going to shine a light into your eyes now.” She flicks the penlight on, shining it in his eyes, one by one. “Pupils equal and reactive, moving on.” Her words are clipped, clearly meant for the nurse who nods and takes notes.

“Follow my finger, just with your eyes.” She moves it from left to right, then up and down. His eyes follow sluggishly, never straying. She nods. “Good Mr. Ryu. You’re doing great.”

“I’m going to take your hands now. Squeeze my left hand.” She waits. He tries. A pressure, weak, unsteady. She nods anyway. “Good, and the other.” Same thing. His grip is weak, shaking. But that’s to be expected. She speaks up again, addressing the nurse.

“Appropriate reactions. Pressure weak, but within expectations.” The nurse nods, noting the doctor’s words. Huigyeom watched nervously, she could see the strain written on Suyeol’s face. The effort needed for just the small movements.

Jaeseon stepped closer, one hand steady on her shoulder, the other resting on Gyeongtae’s forearm.

Steady. Strong. Stronger than she felt.

The doctor releases Suyeol’s hands, gently placing them at his sides before meeting his eyes seriously. “Mr. Ryu I’m going to ask you some questions now, and I need you to answer me to the best of your ability. If you don’t know the answer, just say so. Nod if you understand.” Huigyeom can see the way he glances her way. She tries to smile but it feels more like a grimace. His gaze travels back to the doctor as he gives a small nod.

“Okay. Do you know your name?”

Jaeseon stiffens at the question. The thought never once crossing his mind until now.

A nod.

“Do you know where you are?”

Gyeongtae’s shoulders tense, anticipation rolls off him in waves. Suyeol hesitates, brows furrowing, that look of confusion is back.

He shakes his head. Dr. Kim visibly softens.

“That’s alright. You’re in a hospital, and you’re safe.” She says gently. “There was an incident, and you needed to be transported here.”

Suyeol blinks sluggishly. His gaze shifts, looking past the doctor, settling on something unseen just over her shoulder. He seems to disassociate- gone for a moment. Then, another blink and he’s back. Attention back on the doctor.

The lapse doesn’t go unnoticed. Dr. Kim studies him for a second more, then continues.

“Can you move your toes for me?” The blankets shift slightly. “Great job Mr. Ryu. Last one- can you feel this?” She takes her pen and gently drags it along his forearms, careful of the bandages. First the left, then the right. Suyeol hums, nodding gently.

Dr. Kim straightens, turning to the onlookers, “He’s weak but responsive- this is a good sign.” Dr. Kim says straightening. “We’re going to need to run more tests. He may be tired in the meantime, but he’s off to a good start.” She turns back to Suyeol.

“Are you in any pain Mr. Ryu?” Suyeol blinks again, even blinking hurts. He half shrugs, mouth parting. His words come out hoarse and dry.

“Kinda…”

Dr. Kim nods, turning to the nurse, “Let’s push some morphine and get some ice chips brought up.” Then, to Suyeol’s company: “For now, our main concern is monitoring his condition- ensuring nothing declines, and keeping him hydrated and rested.” She glances at the nurse again, motioning her over with a nod.

“I’ll have the nurse order some pain management and bring more fluids. Right now, the best thing for him is rest.” Her gaze flicks between the three, noting subtle differences.

The woman, Huigyeom, never shifts her eyes from their position on Mr. Ryu’s face- glued to him as though he could disappear at any moment. The older man, Jaeseon, keeps his eyes focus on her as she speaks, absorbing every word. He listens with rapt attention; she can tell he’s filing the words away for later. The younger man, Gyeongtae, gaze bounces between herself and the patient, eyes wide and nervous.

Dr. Kim feel in flooding the room- the concern, the love. It bleeds off the group, radiating towards her patient. Her suicidal patient. She sighs softly. “I’ll give you some time with him. We’ll check back in before the night ends. Press the call button if you have any question or concerns.” She heads towards the door, nurse following closely behind. She pauses at the threshold, turning slightly.

“I know you have questions and want answers, but let him sleep first. You’ll get them when his body’s ready.” The door clicks shut behind her.

For a moment it’s quiet again. Suyeol glances their way, a yawn tearing its way out of his throat. Then he looks to Huigyeom, eyes half lidded, brows drawn together.

His mouth opens and- he coughs harshly. A raw, hacking sound escapes him, shaking his body.

The sound shatters the silence, all three moving with purpose. Gyeongtae flinches, edging closer to the bed, hands unsure. Huigyeom claims the space at the edge of the bed, quickly taking his hand in hers. Jaeseon moves around the bed, gently reaching for the ice chips left behind by the nurse. He takes one, pressing it gently to his friend’s lips.

“Here Suyeol-ah. This should help.” Suyeol takes the chip into his mouth, he tries for a nod but finds the movement too tiring. He lets his head sink back into the pillow, eyes barely open as they meet Huigyeom’s. Her lips curl into a soft, sad smile.

“Rest, Suyeol. We’ll talk when you wake up.”

And he does- his head drooping seconds after the words leave her mouth. Body relaxing, breath leveling out. Huigyeom takes a deep breath, moving from the bed to a chair.

Unseen, K remains silent, hovering just over Suyeol’s shoulder- close enough to reach out, to take control if Suyeol needed him. He observes the events with watchful eyes, tracking the doctor’s movements carefully. Every touch has him tense, ready to act. To intervene. He watches the monitors closely, ready for… something.

K lets the others talk, lets the doctors poke and measure, but his attention never wavers. Every breath Suyeol takes, every twitch, every nod, is seen. Catalogued.

”No one will hurt you now, Suyeollie. Not while I’m here.” He whispers the words softly, a threat and a promise all at once.

Chapter Text

Over the next 24 hours Suyeol doesn’t do much other than sleep, waking for brief moments- minutes at most. Each time, he drifts off quickly, head nodding forward despite his own efforts. Never conscious long enough to do much else other than sip water or snack on crackers.

The doctor insists it’s normal, that his body is just adjusting to his newfound consciousness. Still… it’s hard. Knowing that he’s back, that he’s right here, yet somehow still unreachable. So, they do what they’ve been doing for the past week: they stay with him, silent and supportive, taking turns holding his hand and stepping away for breaks.

During this time the nurses come, every few hours, moving around the room. Quietly taking notes and measuring vitals. They never say much, just float in and float out. Like ghosts unwilling to disrupt the silence.

It’s towards the end of that 24-hour period that Suyeol finally speaks.  

It starts small- a soft ‘hello’, eyes bouncing between the three in the room, awaiting a response.

K keeps out of sight during this time, knowing Suyeol couldn’t avoid interacting with him, not in his current state. As much as he wishes they could talk, that he could let his Suyeollie know he’s there, he can’t risk being caught. Can’t risk anyone labeling Suyeol as crazy. Well... as crazier.

Then it becomes more- a muttered question. Nothing important, at least not compared to everything else.

He asks about work once and doesn’t dare ask again after the sharp looks he received. The room falls silent. It’s after that ridiculous question that Jaeseon feels confident in Suyeol’s ability to have a talk. To have the talk.

He glances between Huigyeom and Gyeongtae, wondering who’s going to start the conversation, waiting on someone to speak. When both avoid his eyes he sighs, drawing Suyeol’s tired gaze.

 I guess it’s me then.

“Suyeol… What- what do you remember? About what happened. About how we got here?” Jaeseon’s voice is soft, gentle but sure. He sees Suyeol glance between them, eyes lingering on Huigyeom for a second longer.

She turns away, stiff.

 “I… I don’t know…” He speaks quietly, gaze falling to his hands as he fidgets with them. “I was in the bathroom- looking in the mirror. Then… its fuzzy.” He glances at his friends coworkers nervously.

“I did something stupid right? You’re all looking at me like I did something stupid.” Jaeseon leans forward, taking Suyeol’s hands in his own when it’s clear Huigyeom cannot.

She turns away again, blinking past the tears in her eyes.

What did I do this time? Suyeol thinks miserably. Why is she angry with me? The thoughts gnaw at him as he forces his eyes away from her and back to Jaeseon. He focuses on the man, on the warmth of his hands wrapped around his own, the comfort he so easily provides. He sees K take a step forward, then back again.

Choosing not to interfere. Choosing to fade into the background.

“Hey, no one is angry with you.” Jaeseon speaks. Suyeol never will understand how he always seems to read his mind. Suyeol glances around, noting the way Huigyeom keeps her face turned away. How Gyeongtae avoids his eyes.

I find that hard to believe, he thinks.

His gaze drops back to their connected hands and- bandages.

He stares for a moment, not quite shocked but definitely confused. Memories flicker across his vision- images of a blade, of pills. He recalls a barely distinguishable phone call. A voice. K?

Then… he’s back.

“So… you gonna tell me what I did to piss everyone off?” His voice is meek, timid. He thinks he knows the answer, why everyone’s angry… But he hopes he’s wrong.

He hopes it isn’t his survival that’s put those looks on his coworkers faces.

Out of the corner of his eye he sees K make a face- one Suyeol ignores for now. It wouldn’t do to look even crazier by staring at a wall.

Jaeseon swallows, jaw clenching. He glances at the others before meeting Suyeol’s eyes again. “Suyeol… You- you tried to kill yourself.” The words are blunt but truthful. Suyeol blinks, not quiet expecting Jaeseon to speak so… so matter-of-fact.

“And… I failed?” Jaeseon snorts softly, voice void of humor. His hands move from Suyeol’s to rub at his jaw. “Yeah Suyeol. You failed.”

Suyeol stares at his hands, already missing the warmth Jaeseon’s provided. Warmth he didn’t deserve. His hands curl into fists, eyes fixed downward- not daring to meet the gazes of the people around him. Not willing to confront the disappointed expressions that he’s sure are on his coworkers’ faces.

Suyeol lets out a shuttered breath, he can feel the stinging of tears behind his eyes. “I’m sorry.” The words are whispered- his voice shakes.

“To be fair, I thought it would work.” He half meant it as a joke; he has a feeling it doesn’t land.

He refuses to look up, even when a choked noise comes from his left. His nails pick at the skin of his fingers, vision blurring with tears. His head swims, he blinks rapidly. But… K doesn’t take over. Not this time.

Damn, he thinks brokenly, what kind of idiot can’t even die right? Then- suddenly- someone crashes into his arms, their own wrapped around his neck. Gyeongtae, his mind supplies helpfully when he freezes. His hands hover over the younger man’s back, he hesitates for a moment before he gently wraps his arms around the man, giving an awkward pat. He looks up startled when he feels tears soaking the collar of his gown.

“Are- are you alright Gyeongtae?” His words are quiet, hesitant. He feels lost, a feeling that seems to follow him everywhere. He looks to Jaeseon for help- and blanches.

Jaeseon is… crying. Silent tears carve their way down his cheeks as his eyes rest on Suyeol with raw sadness. Suyeol blinks, feeling like he missed something.

Surely they aren’t this upset that I failed. He thinks, looking from Jaeseon’s heartbroken expression back to the man in his arms. I thought I was doing better, he thinks miserably. He can feel his chest tighten. I must’ve really overestimated how much I’ve improved. His spiral is interrupted when Gyeongtae sniffs against his neck.

“Sunbae.” The word comes out choked, broken and wet- muffled against his neck. They stop Suyeol thoughts instantly. “Don’t you ever do that to us again.” Suyeol freezes again, shoulder stiff. His brows twisted in confusion.

“Huh?” Pitifully it’s all he can manage.

He tugs gently on Gyeongtae’s shoulders, silently urging him to lift his head. To move so he can see his face. When he does, the man looks a mess. His face is red and wet with tears, he’s still crying.

Suyeol looks from Gyeongtae to Jaeseon, eyes wide, mouth opening to say- something. When Huigyeom finally faces him he freezes, mouth audibly snapping shut. His eyes are wide as he stares at her.

Huigyeom is crying too. And she never cries.

“Aish you idiot.” She speaks hoarsely, voice breaking. “Do you truly believe we wanted this? That we wanted you to try to… to kill yourself.” Her voice rises. She sounds angry, but she doesn’t look it. “Do you truly think that lowly of us?”

Suyeol’s eyes widen further, horror washing over his features. “Aish that’s not- I didn’t mean it like that!” His words are rushed, eyes frantically bouncing between this coworker’s faces.

Huigyeom’s face twists at his expression- he looks genuinely horrified at the idea. That he could ever think so lowly of them. That they could treat him poorly and it not be deserved. It's as if the suggestion alone is absurd. He shakes his head at her, grip tightening around Gyeongtae’s forearms before loosening again. His wrists twinge at the movement.

“I just- I know how much trouble I’ve caused and… and-” he pauses, tongue poking out to wet his lips before he continues, “- how frustrating it can be to work with me. I just meant I wouldn’t blame you is all! If you did feel that way, I mean.” He finishes his rant with a nod, like the words made perfect sense. Like they weren’t the most heartbreaking thing she’d ever heard.

Huigyeom looks away from Suyeol, from that hopeful and unbearably heartbreaking look in his eyes, and turns to Jaeseon. He looks just as heartbroken as she feels.

Gyeongtae choaks again, leaning forward to wrap his arms around Suyeol. Face pressing back into the man’s neck. She can see his shoulder tremble as he cries silently. Suyeol moves quicker this time, arms wrapping around the younger man with little hesitation.

His wrists still sting.

 “Suyeol look at me.” She commands, voice soft, eyes wet. He glances her way, gaze drifting away from Gyeongtae to meet her eyes. She can practically feel the confusion that radiates off him.

“Hear me, Suyeol. None of us wanted this. None of us would ever want anything to happen to you.” He blinks at her, eyes wide, not quiet believing. “I promise you, none of us wanted you to do that. Wanted you to… to kill yourself.” Jaeseon scoots his chair closer to the bed, the sound of the chair dragging draws Suyeol’s eyes to him.

“Yah, listen to her Suyeol-ah. We care about you. We wouldn’t be here if we didn’t.” Jaeseon places a hand on Suyeol’s leg, noting the way Suyeol’s eyes seem drawn to the movement, how they look at his hand like it may disappear. Something flashes in the man’s eyes, something dark. He nudges off Jaeseon’s hand gently, turning his eyes away.

Despite the way he pushes Jaeseon away, he makes no move to remove Gyeongtae. Instead, his finders fumble with the fabric of the younger’s shirt- restless and unwilling to let go.

“It’s fine guys,” he mutters, he sounds sad. Dejected. Pays no mind to the way Gyeongtae’s arms tighten around him. “Really, I understand. I truly don’t blame you. I’ve… I’ve been trying to do better, but there’s only so much I can do, you know? And I’m not…“ His breath stutters, eyes clenching shut as he takes a deep breath.

“I’m not stupid- I know how difficult I make it for people to stay. How much trouble I cause. I thought… I thought this,” he motions to himself, “was the only thing left that I could do right- just stop being a problem. Causing trouble.” His words hurt, they twist at their hearts, but he’s not done. He meets Huigyeom’s eyes.

“You guys have every right to hate me. I hate me too.” She can’t take it anymore. She moves forward sitting next to him on the bed, gently taking his face in her hands. She scoots closer, mindful of Gyeongtae as she forces Suyeol to look her in the eyes.

“We’re here because we care about you, you idiot. You don’t get to decide you’re a burden, you hear? That’s for us to decide, and we’ve decided you’re not.” Her voice is stern, leaving no room for protest.

From behind her, Jaeseon’s voice pipes up, low and steady. “She’s right, Suyeol. Next time you feel like this- like you need to do something drastic- you call me, text me, hell, email me if you want. Just… tell someone ok? And if you even think of doing something like this again-“ He leans closer, pointing a Suyeol in mock anger, the image broken by the tears. “-you’ll have to answer to me, got it?”

“And me.” Comes a soft echo from Gyeongtae, voice muffled as he sits up. He shifts away from his hyung. Not quite out of reach, just far enough away to give Suyeol space. The movement forces Huigyeom to release her hold on his face, leaning back to allow them a moment.

Gyeongtae wipes at his tears as he sniffs. “You can’t ever try this again. Do you know how scared we were?” He grips Suyeol’s arms, similar to how Suyeol held his own moments ago.

“I don’t care what you think you deserve, we can’t- I can’- lose you, hyung. So… so stop acting like you don’t matter because you do. And we love you.”

The room falls quiet for a moment. Suyeol looks at each of them, eyes wide with disbelieving. He looks shocked, like he’s not sure he believes them. Like he’s afraid to believe them.

Then, he sniffs. His eyes water as he turns his head slightly, like he can hide his tears from them.

“I’m sorry.” Suyeol’s words are hushed and sad. So heartbreakingly sad. He doesn’t notice K move closer, not until a steady hand is rests on his shoulder. He jolts slightly, glancing at the man from the corner of his eye. He doesn’t move, just soaks up the comfort, inhaling sharply as he continues.

“I thought… I mean, really thought that I was helping. That- that me being gone- dead- was for the best.” His voice cracks, the tears spill over. He chokes on a sob. Chest jerking with the uneven shutters. Huigyeom shifts, taking Suyeol’s hand, squeezing it gently. Gyeongtae swallows, his mouth trembles, he feels unsteady.

Suyeol releases Huigyeom’s hand, moving weak arms to force the meat of his palms into his eyes. He presses hard. Bursts of color bloom behind closed lids- sharp golds and stinging blues swim in the darkness. His wrists ache, throbbing in tune with his heart.

“Hey,” Jaeseon mutters, “none of that now.”  He gently removes the hands from where they force themselves into Suyeol’s sockets. Jaeseon’s eyes are kind but tired when Suyeol looks his way, chest still jumping from the force of his cries.

“Can’t have you ruining that pretty face, huh?” It’s meant to be a joke, to alleviate the tension.

It works.

Suyeol lets out a choked sound, a half-laugh, half-sob concoction that rattles the room. A fragile smile tugging at the corners of his mouth- breaking through heaviness like sunlight in a storm.

That smile, Jaeseon realizes with start, it’s been a while since I’ve seen it. Jaeseon smiles back sadly- ignoring the way his chest tightens uncomfortably. His gaze travels to Huigyeom and Gyeongtae. He can tell they’ve made the same connection.

How long has it been since they saw that smile? How could they not realize it was gone?

I’ve missed this. Suyeol thinks. He had forgotten what it felt like. To just soak up the attention. The focus. To bask in quiet proof that he isn’t alone, not anymore.

But you don’t deserve this, do you? Their attention, their care. You know you it won’t matter, eventually they’ll leave you again. His mind spits the words like poison, landing like knives. His smile drops slightly. And next time they won’t care if you succeed. Hell, they’ll be praying you do. They’re only here now because they have to be.

He looks at each of them- his coworkers, no, his friends- as they sit around him. They seem so genuine, so full of care. But they aren’t. It spits again. He physically shakes it away, a movement Huigyeom notices, she gently takes his hand again.

“What’s going on up there, huh?” Suyeol says nothing, only shaking his head again. His eyes are still filled with tears, his lower lip wobbles.

“Same old shit.” He mutters, turning away. His gaze shifts back to his lap for just a moment before he looks around, looking for K. He finds the man on the other side of the room, on the floor by the door, leaning against the wall. The man has his head back, eyes closed as he sits. Just listening.

He feels Suyeol’s gaze and lifts his head. Their eyes connect. K smiles, though it doesn’t reach his eyes, and waves his fingers at Suyeol playfully. Suyeol can feel his lips twitch upwards. K brings a finger to his lips before Suyeol can react further, making a shh motion before smiling again.

Suyeol turns away from K, focusing back on the people in front of him.

He misses the concerned glances between friends- their quiet concern for Suyeol’s apparent lapses in awareness. To them, it seems like their friend is having moments where his mind is somewhere else entirely. Like he may be experiencing periods of dissociation. Huigyeom recalls him complaining of lapses in his memory months ago. How he felt his was missing time... But he stopped talking about it. She had assumed it was because of stress; that the memory issues had faded overtime. But maybe… maybe the issue didn’t fade, maybe he just stopped talking about it. She sees Jaeseon look her way, she wonders if he’s remembering something similar.

Suyeol yawns, the motion abrupt enough to force her out of her thoughts. She stands slowly, nudging Gyeongtae as she moves. He stands with her, hands hovering above the bed, unsure. She grabs the remote to the bed and passes it to Jaeseon.

“Here, get it flat.” She tells the man as she moves to correct the Suyeol’s pillows and sheets. Suyeol looks to her, confusion written across his blotchy face. He looks tired, exhausted. This is the longest he’s been awake since- since they got here. She sighs.

“You need rest.” She murmurs softly, brushing his hair from his face as she tucks him in. He opens his mouth, probably to argue- but he’s cut off by another yawn. Huigyeom smiles a knowing grin.

“You were saying?” She jokes. Suyeol rolls his eye, not bothering to formulate a response as he sinks further into the sterile mattress. Despite his efforts, everyone can see how the exhaustion weighs him down. His weary gaze flicks between the three before he reaches out, grasping her hand as she turns.

“You’ll stay, right?” His words come out quiet, rushed. She opens her mouth and- he yanks his hand back sharply, releasing her as if the touch had burned him.

“Sorry...” he whispers hands moving to clench in his lap. He avoids her eyes, everyone’s eyes. “Sorry. I- I know you’re probably tired.” A quick glance at each of them before his gaze falls back into his lap.

“You all should head home, get some rest.” He says it lightly, but they all know better. They see the tightness in his shoulder, the grimace on his lips, the way he tries and fails to smile. Huigyeom moves forward, taking his hand in her own again, bending to make sure he meets her eyes.

“We aren’t going anywhere. Not tonight, not ever.” She says the words sternly, leaving no room to argue. She sees Jaeseon nod beside her, sees Gyeongtae settling into a seat across from her. “So, get some sleep, idiot. We’ll be right here when you wake up.” She lowers herself into her chair, never once releasing Suyeol’s hand. She sees Jaeseon do the same.

Suyeol lulls his head over to look at her, sleep already taking its hold, claiming him like a lost child. He stares at her tiredly, eyes meeting hers. She can still see the fear.

“Sleep Suyeol-ah. I promise we’ll be here when you wake up.” And that’s all it takes. Moments later his eyes drift shut, and his breathing slows, hand still clasped tightly around Huigyeom’s.

Gyeongtae smiles as he folds his arms on the mattress next to Suyeol’s legs, resting his head on top of them. He closes his eyes, letting the soft ambient sounds of the machines around him lull him to sleep.

He’s out in moments.

Minutes later, Jaeseon fades too. His arms crossed over his chest loosely, phone open and unlocked in his hand. It still echoes a tune from whatever game he fell asleep playing. His head is angled forward, chin resting on his chest. His breathing slows- sleep claiming him despite his best efforts.

Soon enough, it’s just Huigyeom. And K, but of course, she wouldn’t know that.

She sits quietly, thumb tracing circles on Suyeol’s hand and wrists, careful of the bandages. She feels herself drifting as she watches the three boys sleep. Each breathing deeply. Hearts steady. Minds finally calm.

She takes one more long look at Suyeol. Absorbing the way his face never turns away from where he remembers her to be. The way it twitches in his sleep, relaxing beneath the gentle motions of her fingers on his wrists. She sighs, resting her head on his leg, face turned up towards Suyeol’s face. She feels her eyes close, feels sleep take her.

As her mind slips into a dream, a phantom touch finds her cheek- faint, gentle. Achingly familiar. She’s gone before she can think on it any further.

Chapter Text

The next time Suyeol wakes up it’s by the gentle closing of a door and hushed whispers. He doesn’t want to wake up just yet- sleep tugs at him as he furrows his brow. Suyeol can hear whispers but not quite make out the words. Just as he considers ignoring them- considers falling back to sleep, Jaeseon makes the decision for him.

“Suyeol? Are you awake?” The man speaks, tone half questioning. Suyeol cracks his eyes open with a yawn, nodding as his gaze drifts through the room. Everyone is just as they were last night. His three friends sit at his side and K watches carefully from across the room. Suyeol lingers on him for a moment too long before he meets the eyes of the newcomer. It’s his doctor, a tall woman with kind yet professional eyes. She offers him a smile.

“Hello again Lieutenant Ryu-nim. How are you feeling this morning?” She speaks clearly, smiling as she reviews his charts and her notes. Suyeol shifts, pulling himself up to sit a little straighter- to better meet her eyes. He bows his head politely before responding.

“Hello Doctor, please call me Suyeol. I’m doing alright this morning, thank you. Yourself?” It feels like the truth… well… mostly. The doctor obviously doesn’t believe him-she nods slightly, writing something on his chart. Once finished, no more than a few seconds later, she turns back to meet Suyeol’s eyes. Her expression shifts into something serious.

Oh, this is going to suck.

“Suyeol, I know this is going to be a difficult conversation, but we need to discuss how much strain you’ve been putting on your body.” The words are matter of fact but not unkind. Still, Suyeol finds himself cringing just slightly. He pulls in a deep shuddered breath, bracing himself for a conversation he does not want to have. He nods anyway, ignoring the way K shifts forward. Moving closer as to better hear the doctor’s words.

“Suyeol, based on your medical records, you’ve experienced significant weight loss. Have you noticed this?” She asks, steady eyes meeting Suyeol’s. He finds himself unable to keep her gaze, whether due to shame or embarrassment he’s not sure. He shrugs, fingers picking at the skin around his nails. He can hear her sigh softly as she continues.

“I have a feeling you did notice. You would be experiencing fatigue, dizziness, changes in appetite, and persistent cold spells.”

She tries to meet his eyes.

He doesn’t let her.

K watches him, head tilting with Suyeol’s avoidance. He wants to say something… but it’s not the time. Not when they’re not alone.

Suyeol is tense, his muscles contorted in discomfort as he wishes he was somewhere else. Anywhere else. He feels Huigyeom shift beside him, the movement tugs on their conjoined hands.

“Gyeongtae, Jaeseon, would you give us a moment?” she asks, eyes never leaving Suyeol. He can feel her eyes on him, heavy and unreadable.

“Please?”

They nod as they stand, hesitating as they make their way towards the door. Despite how the words were spoken, it’s less of a request and more of a command. But still, they leave quietly, promising their return as the door clicks behind them. A brief pause before the doctor continues.

“Suyeol. This-” she motions to the room around them, “-doesn’t work if you won’t work with me. I need you to answer me. Otherwise, we’ll be right back here before you’ve even had a chance to heal.” She lets that sit before continuing.

“So I’ll ask again. Have you noticed the weight loss? The side effects?”

This time Suyeol gathers himself, drawing in a shaky breath before nodding.

“I… I noticed it. I mean it’s hard not to. I just… thought I deserved it, you know?”

K winces from his place near the doctor, face contorted in a worrying expression. “Aish… Don’t say that Suyeollie…” His words are hushed, almost aimed at himself instead of Suyeol, voice almost shockingly disheartened. Suyeol risks a glance at the alter, eyes catching the crestfallen expression and sharply looking away. Unable to handle the way his chest twists at the sight.

Suyeol feels oddly… distant. His head swims for a moment, feeling fuzzy. He blinks once and forces himself to continue.

“Then after a while, I just couldn’t stand the taste of anything. Felt like no point.”

The doctor doesn’t flinch, doesn’t give a judgmental or pitying glance, she just makes a note. Huigyeom feels her chest clench at the admission. At the confession. She wants to yell, shout, call him an idiot for thinking that. For not telling her he thought that. But instead, she takes his hand, stopping the way he picks at his skin.

He glances at her briefly, offering a weak smile, before he turns his gaze to the doctor. Once she has his attention she continues.

“That level of loss puts a massive strain on your body. Your muscles weaken, your immune system becomes vulnerable. It’s not just losing your appetite or feeling cold- it’s your body shutting itself down.” She maintains eye contact with him; wanting to be sure he understands how much danger he put himself in before moving on.

It’s hard… but he keeps her eyes. Nodding weakly.

“On top of that, you lost a dangerous amount of blood. Your organs were actively shutting down. Your heart stopped. We got you back, but it was close for several moments. Do you understand?”

Suyeol feels himself jolt at her words, barely hearing her finish over the sound of ringing. He blinks a few times, eyes sliding past the doctor to find K.

K will help. K always helps.

He barely registers K lurching forward, past the doctor to lean over his legs. K’s mouth is moving rapidly, but Suyeol can’t hear it.

“-eol. Suyeol! Yah, eyes on me.”

Everything feels far away, his head swims dizzyingly. He doesn’t see the doctor’s eyes widen, nor does he feel Huigyeom’s grip tighten. His eyes barely find K’s own. Suyeol feels that familiar pull- the tug of his mind begging him to retreat. He wants to listen, to let himself fade into his mind. But K doesn’t let him, trapping Suyeol’s face in his hands.

He barely feels it. Like a phantom touch… he tries to cling to the feeling. To the warmth.

“Not now, Suyeollie. You hear me? Snap out of it!” Suyeol blinks hard and… and he’s back. Blinking rapidly before sharply turning his head back to the doctor. She shifts, straightening in her chair as she observes the apparent lapse of awareness.

“Suyeol? Are you alright? You appeared unresponsive for a moment.” The doctor studies him carefully, critical eyes catching his quiet confusion and Huigyeom’s alarm. She meets the woman’s eyes briefly, mentally noting the reaction as her eyes move back to her patient. When it’s obvious he won’t respond, or perhaps cannot, she gently presses.

“Can you tell me what just happened? Did you feel lightheaded? Dizzy? Could you still hear me?”

Suyeol says nothing for a moment, blinking off the residual disorientation as he fights against the lingering haze. His gaze instinctively searches for K, seeking comfort in his presence.

Instead, he hears him.

Whispers flooding his head. Echoing from somewhere inside.

He tilts his head slightly, like the motion could help him hear K better.

“I’m still here Suyeollie… Just… focus on the doctor. I won’t leave you.”

Suyeol blinks again, eyes drifting past the doctor- unfocused. He shakes his head slightly, trying to pull himself together. The doctor watches, brows pinched together in concern. She notices the shift. The drifting of his eyes, his attention. Her concern only grows.

What am I missing?

“Suyeol?” Huigyeom finally cracks, no longer able to bite back her concern. His eyes snap to hers at once. She blinks, startled.

“Are you ok? What happened?”

He doesn’t respond for a moment, then- he huffs, forcing his body to relax.

“Nothing. I’m fine. What were you saying, Doc?” The words come out strained, forced in a way that was out of his control.

Aish.

Their faces show their distrust. They don’t believe him.

One more lie. He thinks desperately. They can’t know the truth.

K, wherever he is in the mind, allows himself to be felt. Let’s his presence wash over Suyeol. He hopes it comforts him.

It does.

“Suyeol… I’m not trying to get you in trouble or judge you. But it’s important that I know if you’re having any issues. After a coma, patients often experience confusion, lapses in focus, and even brief lapses in memory.”

Suyeol can feel the weight of Huigyeom’s confusion- can almost hear her making connections he doesn’t want her to make. So, he shakes his head firmly, channeling K’s comfort into courage.

“I’m not sure what you’re talking about. I’m fine. Everything is fine. None of those things are happening to me.” He knows he sounds harsh, but he hates this. He needs this conversation- this line of questioning to end, now.

Suyeol can feel K tense. He’s keenly aware that the alter is also disturbed by the questions. He feels K’s protectiveness spike.

Huigyeom sends the doctor a look that he can’t quite read. Unfortunately, it’s clear the doctor understands something he doesn’t. She nods softly, making one final note before she stands.

“I’d like to monitor that. If it happens again or you notice any lost time, I need you to tell me. You could be having neurological problems.” She pauses slightly as she gathers her things. “For now, I’m going to order more tests and give you two a moment. I’ll be back shortly.”

And then she’s gone. Door shutting softly behind her. Relief washes over Suyeol, shoulders dropping. Huigyeom watches him visibly relax.

It won’t last long. The peace. The calm. Huigyeom has questions- made connections he hoped she never would. His chest tightens sharply. He knows any moment she’ll start asking. And she does.

“It’s been over a week, you know.” The silence is suffocating; it grips at his heart. Wraps itself around his throat and squeezes. He holds his breath and waits for her to continue.

“For a week we’ve been here. Sitting with you. Missing you… It was terrifying, finding you like that.” She pauses only long enough to reach for his hand with her own.

“I know.” He whispers brokenly. “I’m sorry.”

He means it.

Suyeol watches her closely, he can’t make himself look away. Away from the way her shoulders tremble. The way she breathes slowly, grounding herself. It hurts, knowing he did this. That he hurt her.

So still… he watches her. He doesn’t look away.

He doesn’t deserve peace when he’s ruined hers.

It’s that thought that has K’s metaphorical hands tightening around Suyeol’s arms. The thought displeased him; he makes it clear that he disagrees with it. Even without saying a word.

Her eyes find his, a gentle mist gathered in them. She sighs.

“But you know what’s even worse? What’s worse than wondering if you’ll ever wake up?” She doesn’t wait for a response before she continues, voice raw but tense. “What’s worse is knowing you’re here. That you made it… and you’re still fucking lying to me.”

Suyeol flinches. Hard. Reeling from the words like they physically wound him. But Huigyeom doesn’t stop.

“For months, you lie to me. Months! For months you lie, you hide-“ she rips her hand away, the warmth vanishes as she stands sharply. “-this, from me. From all of us. And still, even now- even after escaping death, you still lie. But not just to me- to the damn doctor too.”

Suyeol feels himself shrink away, that fuzzy feeling coming back. K rushes forward, not quite taking control, but gearing up for a fight. He gently forces Suyeol back to the present, still tense- ready for an attack. His hands never leave Suyeol.

Her chest heaves, anger and fear fueling her rant. She turns away and pauses, forcing herself to calm- to take a deep breath and contain herself. With one final breath she turns back, dropping heavily in her chair. When she lifts her gaze, his face is contorted in guilt, panic, and- her heart tightens again- a hint of fear. Huigyeom takes his hands, gently.

“You said you didn’t know what the doctor meant by lapses in memory… that nothing happened. But that’s not true, is it?” Her voice is soft now, almost pleading. She watches him tense, gaze firmly glued to his lap, jaw tight. She pushes past the dread.

“The doctor seems to think it’s from the coma. But it’s been happening much longer than that… hasn’t it?”

Suyeol visibly blanches, color draining from his face as his eyes shut tight.

“Do you remember what happened last year? When you kicked Assemblyman Do and had the whole department after you?” Huigyeom knew he did- that he remembered that moment.

He trembles. K does too.

“Do you remember what you tried to tell me? Because I do.” Her voice is sad but sharp. “You tried to tell me, didn’t you.” It’s not a question. “You tried to tell me about blacking out. About missing memories. About lost time. And I brushed you off.”

Her grip tightens, just slightly. Suyeol’s heart beats rapidly in his chest.

Please Huigyeom.

Please drop this.

“I… I was just exaggerating?” It sounds weak, even to himself.

She ignores him.

“But… it’s all I can think about now. It’s all I could think when you- when you spaced out like you did. And you did, Suyeol. You… left. You weren’t with us anymore.” Her voice cracks, but she keeps going. “And when you came back, you lied. You told me- told the doctor- that you didn’t know what she was talking about. But we both know you knew exactly what she was talking about.”

Huigyeom takes his face in her hands, gently forcing his gaze up from his lap. His wide, startled eyes meet hers- steady, calm, and sad. She offers him a small, comforting smile. His breath comes too quickly, lips trembling as moisture gathers in his eyes.

“Breathe Suyeollie.”

He sucks in a sharp breath.

“It’s going to be ok.”

Suyeol’s not sure he believes him. But he tries anyway.

And still… Huigyeom pushes on.

“I won’t judge you, Suyeol-ah. I know things have been… hard, lately. But you can tell me anything. There’s nothing in this world you could say that would ever make me walk away from you. Nothing.” Her own eyes blur as she watches him- watches the way his shoulder hunch under the weight of a secret he won’t share.

“How long has this really been happening to you, Suyeol-ah?” The words are whispered, washing over him like a prayer. “Tell me… Please, just- just tell me.”

“I…” His breath catches. The words getting caught in his throat. K’s presence tightens around him. The illusion of the truth casting a shadow over K. Suyeol can feel the alter tense.

“I can’t.”

The tears finally fall. Drops gather in the creases of her hands, filling the small spaces between her hands and his face. Huigyeom feels her stomach sink as she watches his chest jolt with the force of his tears.

She wipes them gently.

“Why?”

“I- I just can’t. Not yet. Please, Huigyeom.” His breath is warm against her palm, puffing out in quick bursts.

K relaxes slightly with Suyeol’s answer, fear of discovery fading away. It’s replaced with careful concern. He wishes he could appear, could comfort Suyeol more. But he can’t… Not right now.

Huigyeom pushes past the disappointment chest with a soft sigh. But regardless, she nods softly. Wiping away more tears with her thumbs.

“Eventually?”

Suyeol nods, jerky but sure. His crying breaks into half-suppressed sobs. Huigyeom moves forward- releasing his face and gently nudging him aside, climbing onto the cot. He moves with difficulty, wiggling over as his body wracks, careful of his wrists. She doesn’t hesitate to lower herself beside him, the narrow mattress forcing them closer. Not that either minded, not after everything.

Suyeol finds himself leaning towards her, hesitating only for a moment before Huigyeom pulls him towards her.

He finds himself sandwiched between her very real warmth and K’s phantom warmth.

Slowly his sobs slow into uneven breaths. He soaks up her warmth. Her care. Within minutes Suyeol drifts, lulled by the gentle beating of her heart and the gentle hands in his hair.

He’s asleep when Gyeongtae and Jaeseon make their way back into the room.

He never twitches when Huigyeom explains what they missed.

Never stirs when the doctor returns.

She doesn’t say much, just leaves behind some informational booklets and a referral to a psychologist. She tells them to take their time, that the nurse’s station will have his discharge papers ready when they get ready to leave.

They thank her as she leaves.

And Suyeol still sleeps.

Chapter Text

Suyeol is cleared to leave the hospital a week later. The doctors say his wounds have healed enough to avoid complications and that he’s barely passed a mental evaluation. K snorts when they tell him that, playfully nudging him as they leave.

“All or nothing with you huh, Suyeollie.”

They send him off with a detailed meal plan and nutritional instructions. They want him back to a healthier weight sooner than later. He’s already gained some back, his body happily soaking up the nutrition he was given at the hospital.

He still feels unsteady like he gets tired far too quickly. It annoys him, despite it being expected. He knows it’s normal- a direct consequence of his own poor choices- but still. The weakness, his weakness, aggravates him. Regardless, he politely smiles, nodding along with the doctors as he briefly reviews his new ‘Advanced Care Plan’.

It seems like a lot. It is a lot.

A lot of expectations.

Of rules.

A lot of effort.

It’s a bit ridiculous honestly. He tried to kill himself for Christ’s sake. Do they really think he cares enough to do all this? Not worth the trouble. His mind whispers, gaze traveling over his nutrition plan. His face scrunches up slightly, feeling overwhelmed. They can’t possibly think he can-

Jaeseon’s hand lands on his shoulder, interrupting his thoughts. Once again, Suyeol feels like the man can read his thoughts. K materializes behind him, relaxed and unfazed. He rolls his eyes as he grins at Suyeol.

“Don’t worry Suyeol.” The man tells him, “We’re gonna help you with all the care stuff. You won’t be doing any of it alone.”

And aish, Jaeseon looks so sure, like there’s no doubt in his mind that Suyeol can make this happen. That he deserves their help, their care. So, Suyeol nods weakly, attempting to give his friend a reassuring smile.

Jaeseon’s smile tightens.

Suyeol never was any good at being comforting.

“Aish. Maybe he can read your mind aye?” K grins, peeking over Suyeol’s shoulder. Suyeol barely contains his huff at the comment, clearing his throat quickly to mask the slip. K grins wider and looks over at Jaeseon, “You better figure out how he does that, or we’re gonna have a lot of explaining to do.” Suyeol ignores K, keeping his focus on Jaeseon as the man squeezes his shoulder lightly before releasing him.

“Come on Suyeol,” he starts, turning towards the hospital exit. “I bet Huigyeom and Gyeongtae are pulling the car around soon.”

The car ride is short, quiet- but not suffocating. Suyeol’ sits wedged between Gyeongtae and the door in the back seat of Huigyeom’s car. He exhales, oddly thankful that K hasn’t made an appearance, the car feels packed enough without the excentric man.

The atmosphere is easy, relaxed. They fill him in on everything that’s happened over the past few weeks; how none of them worked that first week, how the chief gave them paid time off. The information surprises him- not just the idea that they would take off work to be with him, but that their boss would give them paid time off. He shakes the thought away, focusing instead on Jaeseon as he recalls how they always took turns, never leaving Suyeol alone.

Suyeol finds himself grinning as conversation flows easily between the group, possibly easier than it has in the months leading up to Suyeol’s attempt. Only halting as the car pulls into the parking garage of his building.

Suddenly, it’s silent.

“Here comes the fun part.” K mutters sarcastically, just as the laughter dies.

Conversation halts so quickly that disappointment tugs at Suyeol’s chest. He sighs softly, ignoring K’s comment as he opens his door. He’s surprised as everyone does the same. Suyeol pauses, brows drawn together.

“Yah, what are you doing?” He finds himself asking, unable to avoid voicing his confusion. He feels slightly ridiculous when he’s met with three incredulous stares.

“Going in with you?” Gyeongtae says slowly, as if the answer is obvious.

Suyeol stares back. “I see… Why… are you doing that?” He feels like he’s missing something, something he’s apparently supposed to know.

Huigyeom rolls her eyes, huffing as she crosses her arms across her chest.

“We’re going in with you because-” She cuts herself short, glancing at Jaeseon. He avoids her gaze sheepishly.

“Did Jaeseon not tell you?”

Suyeol blinks again, somehow feeling more lost than he was before she spoke. “Tell me what?” He asks quietly, glancing between the two.

Huigyeom looks to Jaeseon in astonishment, “You didn’t tell him? I told you to tell him!” Jaeseon winces as she reaches over and smacks him. Suyeol can hear K snort. He imagines the alter muffling his laughter with his palm.

“…I, uh- well I meant to! I just got… distracted? Yeah, we were talking then you pulled up.”

Huigyeom’s glare intensified, hand raising in silent threat. Jaeseon flinches as he corrects himself, “Not that it’s your fault! I just meant that- that I forgot. Yeah… my bad.”

Huigyeom scoffs, lowering her hand as she turns back to Suyeol.

“This is amazing,” K snorts in his head. “Why are we not filming? I wanna watch this later.”

“Hush, I’m trying to focus.” Suyeol clips back, hiding amusement.

“We’re going in with you to help you pack. You’re going to be staying with me for a few weeks- so we can help you follow your care plan.”

Suyeol blinks- he’s not sure what he was expecting, but it wasn’t that. He can feel K reel back slightly, torn between being closer to Huigyeom and his instinct to protect Suyeol alone. He glances between the three, a look of surprise on his face. He drops his gaze suddenly, fiddling with the bandages on his wrists.

“Oh… That’s- that’s ok. You don’t have to do that. I’ll be fine.”

He believes it too, well mostly. They don’t have to stick around. He’ll manage without them; they’ve got to be tired of him by now.

K snorts in his head. “Don’t start that shit again.” He can feel the man roll his eyes. “I may not like it but you almost died, genius. Let them help.”

He’s not sure how he feels about K’s agreement.

Huigyeom shakes her head at him, gently grabbing him by the arm and pulling him towards the elevator. “Nope. I’ve already decided. You’re staying with me and all three of us are going to help you get better.” Her tone leaves no room to argue as she drags him into the elevator. Sure enough the three help him pack and before he knows it, he’s standing in Huigyeom’s living room, duffle in hand.

“Chin up Suyeollie. I bet she’ll feed us.” Suyeol can’t hold back his snort this time, coughing instead.

She pays him no mind as she nudges him into her bedroom and towards the bed. “Get changed. We’re sleeping early tonight.” Suyeol blinks, hesitating for only a moment before he moves to obey.

He’s never slept better.

He’s cleared to return to work, but it’s decided that he shouldn’t return to the field until he’s back to a healthy weight. Suyeol cringes at the memory of that conversation. Pil-Pong cried when Suyeol agreed.

For the next few weeks Suyeol feels oddly coddled. Breakfast with Huigyeom, lunch at work with his team, dinner together- sometimes at home, sometimes out. It feels odd, being surrounded like this, having them constantly looking to him in concern. He sees the way they’ve changed. How aware of their action and his reactions they’ve become. He sees how they no longer mask their concern, their care. He still feels a bit like he doesn’t deserve it, deserve them. But he pushes those feelings away. Ignores them in favor of enjoying the company.

Since the hospital, his world feels different. Gone are the days of constant self-doubt and bitter loneliness. Suddenly, Suyeol spends most of his time surrounded by friends. Jaeseon, Huigyeom, and Gyeongtae spend more time with him- during and after work. Even K has chanced. He’s not as sharp- aggressive, hell, he even apologizes.

Suyeol rarely finds himself alone these days. At first, he was worried they’d get sick of him. That the constant togetherness would get old quick. But it hasn’t. They don’t seem annoyed with him. They seem almost… happier. Lighter.

Bit by bit the weight comes back- the hospital’s meal plan working wonders for his overall wellbeing. His newfound energy combined with regular therapy appointments have Suyeol feeling better than he has in years. The therapist doesn’t let him lie either; forces him to talk about things he’s buried for years. To talk about everything, including the day he… yeah.

He thought it was ridiculous at first, just another hoop to jump through to regain his spot on the force, but he finds that talking does help. More than he expected. And oddly, it seems to help K, too.

The therapist doesn’t know, of course. Suyeol isn’t stupid enough to mention K. Although the man attends every session with him, he knows better than to open that can of worms.

But still, Suyeol found that addressing K’s questions as if they were his own helps the alter with his own mental wellbeing. K’s slowly learning to quell his temper- to address his feelings before they turn aggressive. It’s surprising honestly, to see K’s attempts at tenderness and understanding. And despite how clumsy his efforts are, Suyeol appreciates it.

Pretty soon, Suyeol will be physically healthy enough to begin field work again. He’s getting tired of desk work. Until then, he’ll just keep doing what he’s doing.

Healing.

And to think, he tried to leave all this behind.