Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Earth starts the day by waking up.

So it’s already off to a crappy start.

He can feel the humming on his surface. The billions of creatures traversing about. The stabbing pain as they dig into him, leaching his resources with a vengeance.

It’s times like these that Earth really gets that Theia has a point. Life sucks.

(Although the fact he has to live without her, that makes it far worse.)

Thinking of Theia always causes Earth to think about his moon. Luna. Or as Luna likes to be called: Moon. 

He loves his moon. With his full core. And the fact he has a piece of Theia to remember the planet by before she left will always be a gift.

Even though said gift would rather do anything but be his moon.

It’s okay though! He gets it! If he had the choice he wouldn’t want to be around him either! 

It’s amazing that even someone like Venus is willing to. With Earth’s constant moping.

…then again, Venus tries her best to get along with everybody. She’s in love with that rockhead Mercury for Sol’s sake! So maybe Earth’s sister (as claimed by the pale planet herself) isn’t the best judge of character.

(Mercury is just so dense. Which yeah, is ironic coming from the densest planet in the Solar System, but at least he doesn’t act like an idiot.)

But, back to Moon. Earth figures that when he wakes up that it will be just like any other day, with Moon ignoring him completely and them orbiting in silence.

(He used to try to talk to Moon, but he stopped when Moon told him that if he wanted to do something right for once then he should shut up or throw himself into the Sun. And trust Earth when he says he was tempted but…

But the Sun has made it expressly clear that nobody is allowed to throw themselves into him. Not after some “Planet X incident” where an ice giant in the early days of the Solar System took the out by throwing himself into the star (lucky bastard.)

And yeah, sure. Earth wouldn’t have to deal with the consequences because he’d be dead. But Lu- Moon might. Venus might. Stars, even the other planets might (as much as they aggravate him.))

So Earth is expecting the usual. The silence. Where he is just left to stew in his pain caused by both his Earthlings and the mistakes of his past. So imagine his surprise when-

“Earth, are you alright?”

Luna. Moon. His moon. Is-

Is talking to him?!?!?!

Holy shit! Venus’s advice that he didn’t even ask for was right! Despite everything, despite the Earth’s mistakes, Luna is reaching out to him! It took a while but he just had to be patient and-

“Yeah, Moon? Uh- what did you say?” Stars, he’s totally blowing this.

“Moo- wait, Earth are you okay?!”

Well, not ever really. And Venus has told him not to lie about his feelings but…

But it’s Luna. Moon. His moon. And he shouldn’t blow this by dumping things on him. It might just scare him off.

Besides, the Earth is depressed and in constant pain, that’s old news.

“I’m fine.” Stars, when was the last time he said that? “Are you okay, Moon?” Earth asks after a brief second, because he realizes that that’s the kind of thing to do when someone asks how you’re doing. Especially with Moon finally talking to him. He just never usually has the chance to ask because Venus tells him how she is in the next breath, and it’s not like Mars would ever ask him how he’s doing (which is whatever. Earth chooses not to waste his time on Mars.)

“I’m…fine.” Why does Moon sound like that? Is something wrong? Looking at his satellite the other looks confused. “Why do you keep calling me that?”

“Calling you what?” Because now Earth is confused. He thought his moon wanted to be called Moon .

“Moon!” The other shouts, and Earth can now see some of that familiar annoyance spreading across his satellite’s face. He’s just surprised it isn’t more. Usually when Earth doesn’t understand something going on, Moon’s only response is to say “figure it out” and leave.

Okay, so he doesn’t want to be called “Moon” and he doesn’t want to be called “Luna.”

What does he want to be called? Has the moon said this before? Did Earth forget? He’s usually pretty good about remembering things, having one of the best memories in the Solar System (even though he wished he didn’t most of the time.)

If he asks will the moon get mad at him for not knowing? Will he leave? But if he doesn’t ask then how will he know? How-

“What do you want to be called?” Earth asks after a moment of hesitation, because there are few things he cares about. Moon. Venus… that’s really it.

(He used to care more. But then Theia-)

Moon just blinks back at him for a moment before realization blooms across his face.

“Oh! Is this an April Fools thing, Earth?”

…no? Why would- Moon- Luna- whatever he wants to be called be thinking about that. He has never cared about Earthling things. Stars knows Earth doesn’t (it’s one of the few things they agree on.) Any holiday is just an excuse for large corporations to squeeze money out of the public, and for natural resources to either be destroyed to make products (or Christmas trees) or to be destroyed when the Earthlings partake in some destructive “festivity.”

Venus had to drag the topic of holidays out of him one day because she was curious. And Earth only told her to shut her up (yeah, sure, he loves her or whatever, but she can be annoying ) and because he knows that out of most of the planets she is most sympathetic to Earth’s distaste for his life.

Before Earth can even question his moon’s odd behavior, a raspy voice calls out to him.

“Hey, Earth!”

Huh? Who-

Earth turns around to see Venus, approaching, looking distinctly uncomfortable.

And her voice-

“Venus? Is that you?” Earth’s moon asks, and Earth doesn’t get why he’s so surprised. Who else would it be? Jupiter?! Ganymede?!

Venus yaps wayyy too much to be Ganymede.

Those two don’t even sound similar!

Venus seems to just stare at Earth, waiting for… something. But Earth doesn’t even know what his sister wants this time. 

“...yeah, Venus?” Earth says with a sigh, because as annoying as Venus’ blabbing can be, this tense wait for her to start blabbing is even worse.

“Uh… what’s up, Earth?” Venus asks, raspy voice sounding painfully awkward. And what’s even going on with this? Does Venus have a cold? Should Earth even ask? Or would that bring attention to it? Venus might sound too much like a guy to her liking, and as much as Earth hates himself, he doesn’t want to push someone else into a spiral.

Spirals are his thing. Everyone knows that. Mercury is the cocky prick, Venus is the sweet goodie-goodie, Mars is the violent prick, and Earth is… depressed.

Honestly, he’s surprised he’s not more depressed, given everything. With Theia leaving him and his moon hating him and the life on his surface draining him of all his natural resources-

(Of course Venus would be the happy, optimistic one. There is no chance of life ever on her surface. She can relax.)

The voice thing might explain why Venus is acting so weird though. That… dizzy-phoria thing? That! Can be a bitch (he’s sure… probably… he doesn’t know. Earth barely understands why as celestial bodies they even have genders. Or why they’re sentient. Life seems almost made up sometimes-)

Still, if this is one of those times Venus is feeling bad about herself…

“You…” shoot, what does he say? “...look nice.” Earth says, before mentally kicking himself because what was that?! He made it sound like Venus looking nice was a question. And Venus being anything but pretty shouldn’t be considered a possibility according to the other. 

Venus’ eyes widen in surprise, as if the pale planet can’t even believe what Earth is saying. As if Earth’s poorly executed compliment must be a lie. And as Earth looks at the slightly smaller planet he sees why Venus could think that.

While Venus’ atmosphere is still visible like it always is, it seems noticeably… dimmer? As if the clouds are thinner and reflecting less light. But Earth doesn’t know why that would be. Sure, Venus doesn’t have a magnetosphere but her atmosphere isn’t likely to get blasted anyway any time soon. 

Theoretically she could be hiding some of her atmosphere (Earth does that sometimes, because the blue glow surrounding him feels just like an aura of regrets) but Earth doesn’t know why Venus would do that. She respected Earth’s wants to hide his atmosphere (since beauty is about feeling good about yourself or whatever, which is stupid because Earth never feels good about himself) but she has also often been a proponent of natural beauty. 

Besides, Venus loves her atmosphere. The thick veil obscuring her surface, reflecting so much light she practically glows. 

And speaking of surface- can Earth actually see some of Venus’ surface?!

Wait, no- looking would be bad, right? Venus doesn’t want people to look. Is this the equivalent of seeing someone naked?! Is Earth seeing his sister (not-biologically-since-they-don’t-really-have-biology-but-she-claimed-him-and-they’re-a-lot-alike-physically-so…) naked?! Ew.

Definitely not looking at Venus’ metaphysical form now. Not that Earth wants to… metaphysical forms mean shirtless Mercury (which nobody needs to see, as much as the other planet argues otherwise) and Mars with his stupid mohawk. (And everyone looks a bit too much like Earth’s lifeforms for his taste.)   

“Hey, uh, babe!”

Speaking of the fucker…

Earth gives a sigh, because as much as Mars likes to pick fights. Mercury is the one who tends to irritate Earth the most. Because the other planet (pretty much a certified asteroid) thinks he’s hot shit. Which is bullshit considering everyone knows how Mercury was rejected from Pluto’s not-so-secret-group.

Earth doesn’t even look towards the smaller ( much smaller, and Mercury is clearly trying to compensate for something) planet as he approaches. Because seeing Mercury after waking up is just an especially awful start to another awful day.

(...maybe Venus is right, maybe he does need therapy. Or at the very least some depression medication (and if that’s too hard to get, there is always whatever Pluto’s Gang is selling in the Kuiper Belt…))

Mercury already wants to marry Earth’s sister. That (plus the constant shirtlessness) is quite enough Mercury for him. 

Oddly enough, Venus seems to tense up at the smaller planet’s voice. And Earth wonders if the pale planet finally gained some brain cells to realize “he makes me laugh” is really a poor defense for her infatuation considering how rockheaded the cratered planet can be.

Venus’s already awkward stance is joined with a painfully forced smile (please, can she stop-) and as happy Earth is that she’s seeing sense, it doesn’t explain the change (he’s been waiting for Venus to stop acting like an idiot for years. So why now-)

“Hey Pip- honey, how’s it going?” Venus asks, clouds seeming to flush up in a way Earth has never seen from the other.

“Just checking on my favorite lady. ” Mercury explains, in that annoying suave voice that makes Earth want to punt him into the Sun. And that urge only increases at the fact there is clearly something pointed about that statement, and Venus is only seeming more uncomfortable by the second.

What the fuck is going on? Is the wedding off? (Please, please, please-)

“Well, I’m much better now that you’re here, babe.” Venus replies, making Earth want to throw up a little.

“Yeah, I have a tendency of doing that.” Mercury says in his usually annoying, cocky voice. “Same way you have a tendency of brightening up every room you’re in with your beauty, my lady.”

Barf.

The exchange of compliments isn’t too out of the norm (sadly), but what is off is the weird amount of tension that seems present. They’re meeting each other’s gaze with some level of challenge in them that Earth can’t quite understand.

The periodical looks to him makes him wonder if it’s something for the sake of him. But he’s not that much of a narcissist. The world doesn’t revolve around him.

Earth turns to leave. Leave them to do whatever the fuck that is. But then-

“You, uh, look very… pretty today, Mercury.”

Gah, Venus-

“I always look pretty, hot stuff.” Mercury responds, and approaches Venus with that still weird look on his face.

And then…

And then, like a car crash, the two kiss. And oh stars, Earth told them about PDA! 

Earth looks away immediately, because fuck nope. Whatever weird shit is going on between the two of them, they can work out. Earth is not a voyeur (especially when the people in question are someone he considers a sister and someone he hates .)

Earth still isn’t given the merciful option of leaving though because this painfully extended kiss comes to an end and the couple just looks back at him expectantly.

…what? What do they want him to say to that? They know how he feels about PDA-

He stares back at them, and the staring just continues until Venus gives a sigh.

“I’m going to go… organize my makeup collection. Bye Earth. Bye babe.”

And then she rushes off, leaving Earth with Mercury.

Who Earth still refuses to look too closely at because a) it’s Mercury, b) Mercury just kissed Venus, and c) sometimes you can see a celestial body’s metaphysical form at certain angles when you aren’t trying to and the last thing Earth needs is to see Mercury’s bare chest again.

“He- she’s pretty amazing, isn’t she?” Mercury says, there still being a lilt of something off about his voice, pointed in a way Earth only really hears when Mercury insults Mars in a way that goes over the temperamental planet’s head.

And then it hits Earth.

And Earth feels his usually bubbling core ice over with hate as he looks back at the poor excuse for a planet.

And Earth smiles.

“Well, it was great talking to you! Bye bye, now!” Earth says brightly, before spinning around and leaving before he ejects Mercury from the Solar System. Even if the Solar System would be a better place.

And he heads straight past his own orbit and into Mars’.

“Okay… what was that?!” Moon/Luna asks from besides him, speaking for the first time in so long Earth almost forgot he was there. “Is it some kind of April Fools’ Prank?” 

If it is then it’s a really shitty one.

Yeah, yeah. Earth doesn’t have a sense of humor or whatever. But still. This is inexcusably not funny. 

Earth can see the red planet, who is for once not cursing out someone (usually the asteroid belt, or well… Ceres .)

“Mars-” Luna says, only to be cut off by Mars’ ever so polite greeting of…

“Hey, numbnuts.”

Yep, that’s Mars all right.

Earth doesn’t have time for this though, all he really wants is…

“Can you kill Mercury? Preferably before the wedding.”

There is a pause and Mars just blinks back at him, hard expression dropping into something more surprised. But for what, Earth doesn’t know. One of the few things Mars and Earth can agree on is that Mercury is fucking annoying. 

And as much as it has tempted Earth to dispatch of the barely-a-planet himself millions of times before, he has a feeling Venus really wouldn’t like that and…

And, don’t tell Venus he thought this, but he does kind of care about the other. As annoying as her bubbly personality can be, if she hates him, Earth will have nobody left.

But Earth is willing to risk that wrath now because-

Dim atmosphere. Hoarse voice. Uncomfortable posture. Pointed comments about Venus’ beauty. Mercury correcting himself after misgendering her.

Because if Mercury is being a dick to Venus behind everyone’s back. Is purposefully misgendering her or making her feel bad… then Mercury is dead.

(And well… if that isn’t the case and it is a genuine accident, oh well! Surely Venus can find someone else.)

Mars is still just blinking at him though, and Earth notices that one peak on Mars’ surface (Olympus Monshawk, or whatever Mars calls it) is noticeably smaller and less purple than usual.

It looks more like a mountain on Mars’ surface than that dreaded hairstyle (they don’t even have hair) that the self-proclaimed “God of War” likes to don.

Maybe Venus’ petition for Mars to get rid of that finally worked?

Whatever, one less dumb thing in the Solar System. Earth should probably leave before anyone notices he’s here. There’s probably a space law somewhere about hiring someone to kill your sort-of-sister’s annoying fiance.

He needs an alibi. In case this goes to space court but also in case Venus thinks he has anything to do with this. So…

“Have fun, or whatever.” Earth says before moving towards the asteroid belt. He needs to get out of the inner solar system to have plausible deniability.

Besides, his earthlings can handle a little cold. And if not… sucks to suck.

Earth ignores Mars calling out to him, probably to yell about how Mars doesn’t need Earth’s permission to kill anyone or whatever, and gets through the asteroid belt as fast as possible. 

The last thing he wants is for Ceres to notice he’s here and for the Stanford professor to rope him into a six hour lecture about entropy (and how it’s horrible and detrimental to the universe or whatever.)

Surprisingly, Earth’s moon does follow after him, causing Earth to slow down to allow the much slower body to catch up. He doesn’t know why Luna is so keen on staying close to him now, but he’s not about to ask any questions. If he does, Luna might just leave (just like Theia did-)

When he exits the asteroid belt, he sees that Jupiter must be in one of his more lucid, euphoric states because he’s throwing a huge party. 

Which would be a good alibi for murder… if Earth didn’t both hate people and hate parties.

Earth crosses through the rager, taking special care to avoid the major moons of Jupiter who are having another argument.

“I LOVE YOU EUROPA!” The large purple one screams, only for the pale one to scream back at her.

“NO! I DON’T DESERVE IT! I LOVE YOU, CALLISTO!”

…wait, isn’t Europa dating that one Uranian moon?

Eh, who’s he to judge? It’s not like he cares.

And, even worse, the cheese-looking moon is screaming, as he often does, about-

“I H-H-HATE A-A-STHMA!”

Yeah… the argument would be a bit more believable if he wasn’t coughing every other word.

…did the asthma finally get to him?

Whatever, not his problem. His only goal is to get to-

“WHAT KIND OF STUPID NAME IS ENSALADA?!”

“PLEASE SATURN! I WANT YOU TO CALL ME THAT!”

“I’M NOT GOING TO CALL YOU AFTER A SALAD, I HAVE MORE RESPECT FOR MYSELF THAN THAT! YOU GO BY WHAT I WANT TO CALL YOU BY!”

“BUT SATURN-”

“TITTY I DON’T WANT TO HEAR A WORD OUT OF YOU!”

“IT’S TITAN! ”

“THAT’S WHAT I SAID!”

God fucking damnit. Saturn. And if Saturn is here that means-

“Hey Earth, you look like you got something stuck up Ur-anus.”

Fucking Uranus.

“Hi, Uranus.” Earth says with a sigh, refusing to call the ice giant by that joke of a name that the other wants to go by. He hates to admit it, but Saturn kind of has a point with Enceladus or whatever. Some names are just too fucking stupid.

A flicker of surprise plays in Uranus’ eyes, but it’s quickly gone, replaced with that clown-like grin.

“It’s Ur-anus.”

“No, it’s not.” Earth says, before continuing forward,. Continuing his journey to get to the more sane of the two ice giants. Because even when the rest of the Solar System is an absolute mess, Neptune tends to be pretty reliable. The best option he has for an alibi. Even if Earth rarely had the chance to talk to the ice giant, he had received letters before asking for any information regarding the Earthling “rock, paper, scissors” game, and maybe he could finally deliver…

Earth doesn’t know Neptune well, but Earth knows out of all the giants he’s recognized often as the most sane one… not that it’s much of a competition.

Earth ignores the ringed giants. Ignores the fact that Saturn must have finally decided to take a bath. Ignores the fact that Uranus’ voice sounds a bit off. He ignores it all and just moves forward.

(Moves forward even as he hears whispers of some accented (Australian?) voice saying “See, mate!? He gets it!”)

Neptune is the only sanctuary of sanity in this incredibly insane Solar System. He is spiteful to nearly the same levels of Earth himself, meaning Neptune won’t rat him out to anyone.

And even better: Neptune is always exactly where you’d expect him to be. Which makes him both reliable and the perfect alibi.

But of course, like everyone else in this damn Solar System, the planet is not helpful.

“You want me to what?” The giant asks, blinking blankly back at Earth. And Sol is he tired.

“I need to do something. So, if anyone asks can you just say I was with you this whole time?”

“...do what?” 

FOR FUCKS SAKE-

“Does it matter?!” Earth snaps, losing his patience (which is probably a horrible idea because Neptune has a history of being vengeful and violent (something he appears to have taught all his moons (except that big, fanboy obsessed one.))) 

As Earth calms himself though, he notices that the ice giant doesn’t look mad. More just… neutral and accepting.

What the heck?

“Neptune,” Earth says with a sigh as he tries to calm himself and speak to this celestial who is being even more impossible than Jupiter. “If anyone asks, can you tell them I was with you… helping you destroy asteroids or whatever? If you do, I’ll listen to my-” gag “-Earthlings and give you an inside scoop on rock, paper, scissors so you can vanquish that annoying Uranus once and for all.”

“Hmm…” Neptune says, with a new look of understanding passing through his previously blank eyes (what is that about?) “Okay!”

Yes!

Earth goes to leave, because this is wayyy too much socializing for him, but then Neptune calls out to him again.

“Wait…”

Oh, for the love of Sagittarius A*-

Earth waits to see whatever the ice giant will say next (how is this conversation making so little sense?! Neptune is supposed to be the sensible one! Did he get into Jupiter’s stash?!) and then-

“What’s ‘rock paper scissors?’”

And Earth wants to combust on the spot.

This. This is his breaking point. This is the moment he knows all hope is lost.

Earth screams and dives into the Kuiper Belt. He doesn’t care about whatever gang Pluto has that’s waiting there. Death would be a mercy.

Of course, the universe is too cruel to give him that.

Chapter Text

“EARTH?! EARTH?!”

Huh? What-

“EARTH!”

Oh, cold-

…is that-

“EARTH?!”

Earth forces his eyes open and he’s surrounded by darkness, some space debris floating around him. Instantly he knows he’s not in his orbit, although it takes him a moment to realize why that is.

But more importantly…

“Earth!” 

A relieved voice calls out, and then the smaller, grey celestial body is barrelling towards him, gravity wrapping around him in a way that almost feels like a-

Oh.

Oh.

Luna is hugging him.

Earth freezes, because he has no idea how to react to this. The only hugs he ever gets are forced onto him by Venus, and the fact Luna of all people is giving him one-

He thought Luna hated him.

This doesn’t make sense.

Why doesn’t any of this make sense?

He wants to kill Mercury. He wants to tell Saturn and Uranus how stupid they are. He wants to drag Neptune to a doctor for whatever the heck is up with him. He wants a damn nap.

And more than any of that, he wants Luna to never let go.

“…Earth?” The smaller celestial asks after a moment, somehow not yet pulling away from him (thank Sol for that.)

Earth doesn’t want to say anything. Doesn’t want to ruin the moment. Doesn’t want Luna to pull away and go back to hating him but…

“Hmm?” He mumbles quietly, knowing that the least he can give his satellite is recognition that he’s been heard. He doesn’t want Luna to realize what’s happening and push Earth away, but he also doesn’t want to take advantage of whatever state the other must be in.

Because something must be going on with Luna if the moon is hugging him.

“Are you okay?” The moon then asks, and Earth just wants to laugh because no, he’s never okay.

“I-” How does he even respond to this? Luna never asks Earth how he is. He never cares to. When Luna isn’t ignoring his existence or telling Earth to fuck off, he’s insulting him. Luna prefers to put as much distance between them as possible.  “I-”

What does he say?

“You just left!” Luna then cries out. Cries.

Earth made his moon cry.

He is the worst.

“You ran off and I tried to follow you past the belt but you were moving too fast and you ended up here! Earth, you know you can’t be here. It’s freezing! Why- why are you out here again?

Again? Yeah, Earth occasionally leaves his orbit, but Luna has never shown any indication of caring. Heck, most of the time when Earth leaves his orbit, Luna isn’t even there. 

“I-” Earth doesn’t want Luna to be worried for him, but the affection feels nice.

And wrong.

Just another thing that is wrong. Like how Venus was acting. Like the weirdness that seems to be clinging to everyone. Like whatever that just was with Neptune.

“Why do you care?” Earth finally asks, because he’s tired. He’s tired and none of this makes sense. He’s tired and he doesn’t want Luna to let go or go back to hating him, but he doesn’t understand and it’s making him feel sick.

As expected, although part of Earth wants to cry, Luna pulls away from him.

Except, looking into those silver eyes, he doesn’t see the familiar expression of loathing, but rather complete and utter horror.

“Wha- of course I care, Earth! What- what is going on?? Are you okay? Did something happen? Do we need to maybe get Mercury-”

Nothing Luna says makes sense, except for that last sentence which stabs through all the confusion Earth has with a blade of disgust because-

“Ew, no.”

Mercury. Why in the universe would he want Mercury? He’s objectively the worst planet (well… him and Uranus… and Saturn (but he can respect Saturn’s level of spite.))

There is a flare of anger and understanding in Luna’s expression now, and Earth can’t help but wonder what he said wrong. Luna has never been close to Mercury. Luna has always been too cool for such a poser. Unless Earth had missed something. But otherwise he doesn’t understand why Luna would get so defensive about-

Oh! Ew! Mercury is (vomit) engaged to Venus! Luna can’t-

What if they’re seeing each other on the side? What if Venus found out and that’s why things felt off earlier? What if that’s where Luna runs off to?

That fucking manwhore! If he’s cheating on Venus with Earth’s moon- if Mercury has so much as touched Luna- he’s D E A D.

Screw alibis or creating reasonable doubt, Earth will kill that asteroid-masquerading-as-a-planet with his own gravity. He’ll crush that piece of rock like he’s being paid to record for an ASMR channel. He’ll pop that disgusting pimple like it’s a sludge filled balloon.

He’ll-

“Did he say something shitty again?! ” Luna asks, seeming horrified and angry. And Earth doesn’t understand what Luna is talking about because it’s Mercury. Mercury always says shitty things. But he doesn’t understand why Luna is suddenly concerned about it. “I thought- you guys all talked! He recognized how messed up what he said was! He was sent back to therapist school and just got off probation! What the hell-”

“What?” 

The word dumbly slips out of Earth’s mouth without him thinking about it, but he can’t bring himself to regret it because “therapist school???” What the- the only celestial Earth knows of that goes to school is Ceres. And that’s in the capacity of a physics (and philosophy) professor at Stanford.

What credentials does Mercury have to go to therapist school?! Both as a teacher or as a student?! Mercury shouldn’t be allowed within an AU of a therapy setting.

If Mercury was Earth’s therapist, Earth would kill himself by chucking himself into Sol on the spot.

Luna just blinks at him though, before saying: “So… Mercury hasn’t said anything shitty? Then what’s-”

“Everything Mercury says is shitty, you know this Lun-” Wait, no. He hates that. “Moo-” He didn’t want to be called that either. “ You .”

“ You?!” Luna repeats, sounding horrified (and Sol, Earth doesn’t know what he wants at this point! For Earth not to address him at all?!) “Earth, what is going on?! You’re acting weird. Did something happen with the other rocky planets? I thought you guys were all friends again but then you rushed out! Is this because of the weird joke Mercury and Venus seem to be playing? Because, yeah, gross. I was horrified by that too! But you really shouldn’t be out somewhere so co-”

Wait. Friends?!

Earth dies of laughter. 

Well, he doesn’t die. But he wishes he did. Because laughing this much hurts. But he can’t contain it anymore. 

What the heck is going on?!?!?

Yes, Venus has forced her way into Earth’s life and he may reluctantly admit at times that he cares for her, but the others? Mars?! Mercury?! Mr. I-Need-A-Mohawk-To-Prove-I’m-Cool and Mr. Shirtless-But-Nothin’-To-Show?!

Yeah.

Right.

Earth wouldn’t call them his friends even if someone held a nuclear bomb to his core.

(Actually, he would take that as the universe finally providing a way for him to find release from this painful existence.)

Is everyone on Jupiter’s drugs today?! Why would Luna say-

Waittttt… is this the teenage-rebellion thing Earth had read about? He got a letter from Neptune not too long ago complaining about how Triton would never go through that because he isn’t cool enough, but Earth took that to be Neptune’s typical complaint about something inconsequential and ignored it entirely. 

Is Luna doing a teenage rebellion by taking drugs?! Or by saying the very things that Earth would never expect to hear?!

Has Luna started to take gaslighting lessons from Saturn?!

“EARTH!”

“WHAT?!” Earth shouts, as Luna’s terrified voice shocks him out of his breakdown. Gosh, can’t a planet lose their space marbles in peace?!

As Earth focuses his attention again he can see his satellite back away a tiny bit, fear on his expression clear as starlight. 

Shoot.

Earth’s usually not like this. He usually doesn’t allow himself to feel this much. He hates everything, yes, but that’s his constant state of being. It simmers in the background, buzzing through his mind at all times like the Earthlings crawl across his surface. Pain is something that is normal for him, something he’s learned not to react to.

(He’s tried to numb himself since Theia.)

He rages battles with other planets in his mind. He’ll annoyingly confess to Venus when she pushes. But he never explodes like this. Especially not to Luna.

“E-Earth,” The moon says after a pause, seeming to get his bearings. And it’s concerning how shaky his voice is. Luna never sounds like this. Never. “You aren’t okay. I’m going to get someone-”

“No!”

Maybe Earth is being selfish, but the idea of Luna leaving? Getting someone else? Luna may be acting weird right now, but everyone is too. And regardless, Earth can’t handle Mars’ temperament or Venus’ niceties or Mercury’s ego or the chaos of the giants. Luna may hate him, but Earth still wants-

“Okay.” And then Luna starts moving towards him again, a look of calm being forced upon him as the moon looks to become someone Earth can talk to without fear. And Earth wishes he could tell Luna that he doesn’t need to pretend. That no matter what happens, no matter how much Luna wishes otherwise, Earth will care for him. But he knows from experience that will just ruin everything. “What’s going on?”

And there is a lot he wants to say, but the first thing that comes out of his mouth is–

“Why are you guys acting weird?”

Luna and Neptune are the two at the forefront of his mind when Earth asks that question, but the same can also be said for some of the others. Mars seemed confused when Earth asked him to kill Mercury, for one.

“I think… they’re trying to play a prank?” Huh? “I mean, I can’t think of another reason why Venus and Mercury would pretend to be in love.”

What-

Pretend?!

“What do you mean pretend?! ” Earth yelps, because he doesn’t even understand what Luna is trying to say. Venus and Mercury have disgustingly been together for a millenia. They’re so incredibly gross about it there is no way it’s fake. 

But Luna just looks confused at the Earth’s confusion. As if there was no way the two were actually together. And yeah, Earth’s heart may be cold and dead now, but there is no way he missed something that obvious.

“...yeah? I mean, I guess they’re sort of friends now, but they still fight all the time! Unless you’re a sucker for an enemies to lovers trope, I don’t know how they’d be together right now.”

Fight?! When was the last time Venus fought with anyone?!

“I- you’re not making any sense Lu- Moo- you. ” Earth needs to figure out what Luna wants to be called so he can stop deadnaming him in his mind.

“That’s another thing! Why do you keep saying that?! You know my name is Luna.”

Well, technically, but if he wants to go by something else shouldn’t Earth try to support that? Is this one of the reasons Luna hated him for so long? Because Earth kept deadnaming him? Is he no better than that transphobic piece of shit Mercury?

“You… told me you didn’t want to be called that?” Earth says, raising his voice in the end because now he’s beginning to question everything.

“Wha- when did I say that?!” Why does Luna sound so shocked?! What kind of question is this-

“Everytime ever?”

“No-”

“Yes!”

“I’ve never said that!”

Dang, Luna must have progressed pretty far in his gaslighting lessons.

“Yes you have!” Just confront him with the truth, make him realize there is no point in this. “Why are you being so weird?! With this ‘Luna’ stuff and then you acting all nice to me! You’re never nice to me! So there is no point in continuing on your little act because I know it’s fake!”

And then Luna reels back from Earth, looking at him with so much pain. And Earth has to give Luna (and Professor Saturn) credit because he is a fantastic actor.

“I- pretend?! Never nice- Earth, Earth, why would you think that? Did I do something? I meant what I said back in the moon revolution, I’m always here for you. That hasn’t changed.”

Why is Luna saying all these hurtful, good things?

“You can stop now.” Earth repeats, fight draining from him because every part of him wants to run towards this loving voice, wants to be embraced again like he isn’t some horrible, selfish asshole who could never do a single thing right, like he’s actually worthy of love. And the battle between what he knows to be true and what he wants has been going on for too long.

“Earth, stop what?! Is this-” then there is a pause. “Is this some kind of April Fools Day prank?!”

Luna seems horrified by the notion, and good on him because Earth is horrified by it too.

“No. You know I hate April Fools Day.” Although, if Luna was playing a prank on him that would explain the weirdness. “Wait, Luna are you-”

“Now I know you’re lying!” Luna grumbles, irritation flooding his voice.

Pause.

What?!

“What are you talking abo-”

“Earth, your April Fools pranks have gone too far in the past, but this? You can’t be out here! I was scared!” Why does Luna sound so indignant right now?

“You’re not making any sense!” What are these accusations?! “I’ve never-”

“Come on! What is this, some kind of opposite day thing? Did you plan this out with the other rocky planets?!”

Huh?! No-

“That doesn’t even make sense! People aren’t acting like they're opposites! They’re just acting- well… weird! Except for you! You’re the one acting like your opposite, Luna!”

“Because I’m being nice to you?! Because I’m trying to show I care?!”

“YES!”

There is silence between them as they just glare at each other, and Earth has no idea what to do next because he is angry and Luna is being cruel and pretending that he’s the problem won’t-

“Hmmm… it’s like this version of Earth is from an alternate reality where everyone in the Solar System acts different, but he woke up in this reality where everyone is essentially their polar opposite but because it’s April Fools they’re trying to act contrary to who they are, which is coincidentally what everyone in his reality acts like. But everyone is terrible at acting and they left Luna out of the writing room.” A voice suddenly says in a single breath, scaring both Luna and Earth as Neptune suddenly appears behind them.

“AH- wait, Neptune?!” Luna yelps, to which all Neptune gives is a smile.

“Oh! You’re right! I am Neptune!”

What the-

“I-” And Luna takes a pause, as if he’s used to dealing with this before (how?) “Can you repeat what you said?”

“Alternate realities don’t exist.” Earth states firmly, because he didn’t understand everything Neptune just said but he understood that.

“Yes they do.” Neptune responds, voice still chipper and full of confidence.

“No they don’t.”

“Yes they do.” This guy is a broken record.

“No they don’t.”

“Yes they-”

“Do you have any proof?!” Because they aren’t getting anywhere with this, and Earth doesn’t feel like arguing with this guy for eternity.

The ice giant blinks at him for a moment before saying…

“You?”

NO! HE’S NOT-

“I am not from another reality!”

“I'm pretty sure you are.”

Earth wants to hit this guy.

“Earth.” Luna’s voice says, cutting through Earth’s growing annoyance and homicidal urges for this guy. “Do you promise this isn’t a prank?”

“I-” He doesn’t know! He knows sure as shit that he isn’t pulling a prank! But whatever the heck is going on with Luna and the others- “I’m not pulling a prank or lying. You guys are the ones acting weird.”

And then Luna stares him dead in the eyes, and Earth doesn’t know what he’s looking for but then Luna is turning to Neptune with a serious expression on his face.

“Say, Neptune, hypothetically if this Earth is from an alternate reality, then where would that put our Earth?”

Our Earth?! Wait, does Luna really think-

“In that Earth’s reality?”

Fun story, except that’s not true.

Except Luna is looking at him again now with hesitation. “Uh, Earth-” 

No.

“You guys are just messing with me.” This is just some messed up prank they’re playing on him. This is just Luna being cruel. There is no way this isn’t his reality. He would know. And if this isn’t his reality then that means this isn’t his Luna and that means that this Luna wasted his kindness on an Earth that isn’t his own and a Luna that isn’t his is being nicer to him than his moon ever was and Earth liked it.

If this isn’t his reality then his Luna has every reason to hate him. 

Earth is desperate for it not to be true. But as he stares at Luna, all he can see on the other’s expression is earnest pain. He seems hurt too.

Oh-

Oh-

“I-” Earth starts to say, only to be cut off.

“I’m sorry.” And now it’s Neptune who is speaking, to both Earth and (this (?)) Luna’s confusion.

“Why- why are you sorry, Neptune?” This Luna asks, speaking for both of them, and the guilty expression the giant sends their way only makes Earth more confused.

“When I heard about April Fools Day I got excited. I’ve never gotten to do one of these before. I’m usually not a part of all this stuff. So I wanted to help and-”

“Wait, you sent me here?!” Earth wants to be horrified when this Neptune does not deny the claim, because how the fuck does someone physiclaly do that?! He wants to be pissed because this Neptune has made him experience so many emotions in the past few hours. But for some reason he isn’t. He doesn’t feel the homicidal rage he’s expecting. And he doesn’t know why.

“Can you switch them back?” This Luna asks, voicing the questions Earth was too caught up in his own mind to think of.

This Neptune nods to the relief of them both. “You guys should switch back automatically after a day.”

And it feels like he can breathe, because this isn’t permanent. Because there is an easy way for him to get back, he just has to wait. 

Wait. He thinks, as this Neptune leaves again, apologizing so earnestly that Earth's cold core doesn’t have the energy to want to obliterate him. (This Neptune was lonely. Earth understands loneliness.)

Wait. He thinks, as this Luna turns to him, an imposter, who despite everything, the moon looks worried for.

“Earth, is he safe?” The moon then asks, and suddenly everything makes sense. The worry isn’t for him. It’s for his counterpart.

“He should be.” The celestials in Earth’s system are definitely volatile, but if Earth keeps to his orbit he should be okay. “As long as he doesn’t piss off Mars, or get too close to Saturn, or end up in the Kuiper Belt.”

That doesn’t sound as comforting as he would like, and he can tell from this Luna’s expression that he wants to ask more questions, but at that exact moment Earth is reminded of why the Kuiper Belt isn’t the best place to be in his reality.

“Yo! Don’t move!”

Fucking Pluto.

Chapter Text

It’s moments like these where Earth remembers how much he hates the dwarf planets.

Pluto left the Planet Club because he said they were holding him back, said he wanted the freedom to flourish without them. And to be fair… the planets do suck.

It’s just so annoying that Pluto thinks he’s any better. 

Because he isn’t. His level of ego rivals Mercury. And Earth doesn’t understand why the two planets that are actually smaller than some moons think they of all celestials have the high ground.

Earth has never been a proponent for the idea that there should be a hierarchy or that “moons should know their place”, but celestials like Pluto and Mercury make Earth want to start being racist towards moons… mooncist (?) because with their small sizes, the two would likely be mashed in with the rest of the lot (Earth isn’t going to start hating an entire group of people because of a couple individuals though, that’s just messed up.)

That “yo” he heard was enough to devastate his entire day (even more than it already has been.)

But as Pluto comes out of the shadows, wearing a pair of sunglasses which makes absolutely no sense because Sol’s light is barely visible here, Earth is hit with how ridiculous this all is.

Because the Pluto Earth is used to have a raspy voice that is nowhere near this high. The Pluto Earth knows has an accent bordering on Italian Mobster, not… whatever this is. The Pluto Earth knows would never announce his presence before attacking with this crew.

His crew…

Following the brown dwarf planet (is Pluto still one of those in this reality?) is a squad of six celestials, some familiar and some not. Charon is present, for one. And that in itself confirms everything Neptune said about this being an alternate reality because everyone knows that his Pluto and Charon had a nasty falling out after Pluto asked to become a dwarf planet. Charon said she wanted to orbit a real planet, and if not that, then she would become one (and sense then there have been rumors she’s started her own gang of moons.) 

And then there are two other individuals who prove that whoever put this scheme together did not do their research into his reality, because there is Neptune’s moon, Triton, and Professor Ceres, both of whom are banned from the dwarf planet mafia for different reasons. (Triton because Pluto is salty about their breakup and how he chose Neptune over him, Ceres because Pluto is a racist piece of shit.)

The other three… well, the writers of the prank may have been on the money there, because one of them definitely matches what Earth has heard about Pluto’s head enforcer, Haumea, a pale dwarf planet who is wide with rings (parts of his victims (?)) And then the other two may be the ones known to follow Pluto and Haumea around: Makemake, who lacks a single braincell and simply does whatever is asked of him, and Eris, the head cheerleader (who also lacks a single braincell.)

Still, 3/7 of the celestials in this group are not even close to accurate, and this just makes Earth realize how ridiculous this whole situation is.

“What are you doing so far out of your orbit, brotha?” This Pluto asks in a way that sounds incredibly offensive. Or… it would if he wasn’t clearly straining his voice and cringing at his words.

Damn, was everyone Earth met in this reality this bad of an actor? Or is this a special case? Because how did he not see right through this?

“What’s an ‘Earth?’” The red one Earth is assuming to be Makemake asks (hey, this guy may actually be doing alright.)

“It’s him. ” Haumea (?) answers, voice way too soft to be anything close to the enforcer that Earth has heard about. Then, as if hearing Earth’s thoughts, he decides to add on a horribly unconvincing. “...Dummy.” Which would be better if the dwarf planet didn’t whisper an apology after saying it. 

“H-hey guys.” This Luna says from besides Earth, sounding incredibly unsure about how to react (Earth wonders what they are usually like in this reality.)

There is a pause, as if they’ve been thrown off script and nobody knows what to say. And then…

“Oh em geeee! Hi LooLoo.” Eris (?) says in the most flat, apathetic voice ever. She clearly isn’t into this, and the sideeyes that Pluto, Makemake, and Charon give her show that they all seem worried that she’s going to break the “immersion.”

As if Earth was ever immersed to begin with. Honestly, Earth is vibing with this Eris. Hard. He too would like to be done with existing.

Except, a spiteful voice inside Earth whispers, what if you watch them squirm?

And usually Earth would refuse any notion of participating in something like April Fools Day. The holiday itself is pointless, irritating, and trivial, just like the Earthlings who made it, going against everything Earth stands for.

But the thing is, here nobody knows what he stands for. Here, Earth doesn’t have a reputation to uphold as the exhausted, clinically irritated world who disdains the life that lives on his surface. Here, he’s…

He’s some other Earth. And he just spent the last hour having a breakdown. And this may not be the Pluto that he despises, but it is a Pluto so…

Why not make them suffer a bit?

Putting on an unbothered, nonchalant expression, Earth looks to the group and just asks: “Hey guys, how’s it going?”

He can tell this little makeshift gang wasn’t expecting that, and can feel Luna looking at him in disbelief. He can already tell this is going to be fun.

“We’re… doing pretty good.” Haumea says after a pause, seeming to try and deepen his voice again. “Just looking for… some punks to pummel?”

It would be more convincing if he didn’t say it like a question, if he didn’t look to the others like he’s waiting for them to tell him he’s doing a good job.

“Yeah! Punks to pummel!” Charon enthusiastically joins in saying, adding on afterwards: “And if we don’t, I’m just gonna pummel Pluto.”

“Yeah! Pummel Pluto!” Ceres repeats, high, shaky voice a stark contrast to the steady, British lecturer Earth is used to hearing from the resident in the asteroid belt. Earth wonders what this celestial body (is he a dwarf planet here? Earth knows Ceres wasn’t accepted as a dwarf planet back in his reality) is like. What is the opposite of someone who is a philosophy and physics professor? Someone who ardently will tell anyone he sees how horrible “entropy” is.

Wait…

“You guys are really trying to add more entropy to this system, huh?” Earth asks, saying the targeted words as casually as he can. Forcing the word entropy into a sentence without making it too obvious what he’s doing is a bit difficult, especially if this is something that as much of a trigger to this Ceres and the Ceres in his reality (heck, in his reality, the word “entropy” was banned in the inner Solar System during the time Venus tried to take Ceres in as her moon (her bleeding heart wanting to help him out after it was discovered how desolate the asteroid belt is, something she still tried in the present even though Sol had shut her “adopting Ceres” initiative down.))

The way Ceres immediately freezes and his eyes dilate showing that Earth is right on the money with his guess that as opposed to his Ceres, this one may emphatically love entropy. 

“E-e-entropyyyyy.” The bright spotted entity starts saying as he begins to vibrate, and the way he looks at Earth starts to make him concerned for his own wellbeing.

“Ceres-” Charon starts to say, dropping the act entirely as she starts to show concern for the smaller celestial… or maybe for whatever the celestial will do in the name of entropy. 

But before Earth can find out, Pluto is yelping and pulling Ceres away with his gravity, taking him into the shadows as Charon follows behind. Clearly whatever saying the word “entropy” triggered in Ceres, it’s more pertinent than maintaining this charade.

There is a pause and then…

“Seems like boss has to deal with some stuff, so… I’m in charge.” Makemake says, trying to step in for the void left by the three celestials who have vanished. And Earth doesn’t know whether to give this guy props or not because from what he’s heard about Makemake, the dumbass would be the one to think he’s in charge when something like this happens, but there is no way anyone would genuinely let him be.

“Shut up,” Haumea forces himself to say, throwing in an apology as he does, because this guy clearly has issues with saying anything close to mean. “I am.”

Yeah, sure, real leadership material. Such qualified candidates we have here.

“Maybe you both are, yay.” Eris says in the most flat voice ever, which is followed immediately by Triton realizing he should speak up because…

“I am so uncool and I’d hate to be a lone wolf.” 

…yeah, that actually sounds like a good description of what the Triton in Earth’s reality is like.

Earth hears Luna snort from beside him, and it’s nice to know he’s as impressed with this performance as Earth is. Which is not at all.

Looking at the four, Earth wonders how they would react if they knew about the versions of them Earth was familiar with. A genuinely enthusiastic Eris, a homicidal dickhead named Haumea, Makemake the barely functioning dumbass, a Triton who is so lame he begged Neptune to take him in (rumor has it he even killed Neptune’s old generation of moons to do so) while leaving his boyfriend (Earth doesn’t know who has worst taste) in the dust.

Professor Ceres. Douchebag Mafioso Pluto. Rebel Charon.

He thinks they might explode if they knew.

It’s clear nobody knows how to move forward from this so Earth decides to just throw them a bone.

“Okay… bye.” 

And he turns around and heads out of the belt, iced-over surface screaming in gratitude because stupid water and temperature hypersensitivity. 

He hears Luna call out a farewell before following after him, which is received by the most dead-inside “slayyyy” Earth has ever heard from Eris.

The moment they’re out of view, he can hear Haumea start to apologize to Makemake like he just ran over his dog. And then Triton is talking about how they should check on the three absent celestials, not just because of whatever is going on with Ceres, but because apparently he needs his sunglasses back because he’s not used to being this uncool for this long.

Somehow the dwarf planets here are just as much of a mess as the ones in Earth’s reality.

Earth doesn’t know how to feel about that.

“What did you mean, when you talked about not getting too close to Saturn?” Luna asks after a short period of silence as they travel back from the Kuiper Belt, and Earth doesn’t know if it’s because he’s trying to make conversation, he’s genuinely curious, or because he’s worried about his Earth. Maybe all three.

(That would make sense, his Luna hated conversation, and curiosity, and would implode before worrying about Earth.)

Still, as much as Earth wants to shut down any attempts at a conversation, wants to shield himself from getting any more attention, he can’t help but admit that he already has. He can’t help but feel eager to converse with any version of his beloved moon, as much of a betrayal as it may be. Earth may be separated from his reality and his Luna may not want help, but Earth can try and provide this Luna some comfort as he tries to understand more about where Earth comes from, where this Luna’s Earth is currently stranded (thanks to, apparently, Neptune???)

He doesn’t know how to say it delicately though because in the end…

“He’s kind of a dick.”

As Luna looks over to him in horror, he wonders if there was a better way to put that. But… “kind of a dick” is putting it mildly.

“ Saturn?! ” Luna asks, as if he can’t even conceive of this concept, which… damn, what the heck is this reality’s Saturn like?

Because Earth’s Saturn is-

A complete asshole? A violent piece of shit? A diva? Someone who would eat his own children if they so much as looked at him funny?

“Yeah.” Earth says, not saying anymore. Although that doesn’t seem to be enough because then Luna asks further…

“What is he like?”

And well, if Luna really wants to know…

“Well he’s a jerk to everyone, but he definitely has beef with Jupiter for… some reason.” Some kind of ancient drama? Sure, Jupiter is annoying but Earth doesn’t know why someone would have it out for him of all planets.

“Jupiter?! That’s- well, our Jupiter and Saturn are some of the closest planets in the Solar System! They’ve been together forever!”

Wait-

“Together as in… ‘together together’ or together as in… ‘friend together.’” 

Either way he guarantees that his Saturn would lose his shit if he knew about this-

“I… don’t really know.” Luna finals, not clarifying anything. But at this point he doesn’t know if he wants to know.

“Uh… okay.” Moving away from that mental image… “Well, my reality’s Saturn kind of just insults anything that exists, loves tearing people down when they’re at their weakest, is always threatening to turn others into rings like he did with Chrysalis-”

“Chrysalis??” And huh- Earth wasn’t thinking that would be the point of confusion.

Did this not happen in Luna’s reality? Is Chrysalis still around? Did she die from something else? Did she never exist to begin with?

“Yeah? You know- one of his major moons? Rumor has it Saturn was in a bad mood and she looked at him funny and then… bye bye.” 

Luna looks absolutely horrified, and maybe there was a better way of putting that. 

“ What?!”

Oh- uh.

“Yeah. But he hasn’t done that in a while! He keeps talking about how Titan is going to be next-”

“ Titan?! Why?! ”

“I mean Saturn hates his guts. Always talking about how he’s his least favorite moon. Good thing he’s basically not Saturn’s moon anymore, Titan apparently moved out and joined the moons of Jupiter with his boyfriend.”

“B- Boyfriend?!”

“Yeah? The big one… Ganymede?”

Somehow Luna’s horrified look has only grown even more.

“...I’m guessing it’s not like that here?” Earth asks, seeming like he’s saying the obvious because of course it’s not, Neptune has said this is a reality where everything is opposite. But that’s hard to imagine because that would mean-

“No! I mean- Titan is Saturn’s favorite. Until recently he didn’t even know his other moons names!” Dang, and rumor has it that Saturn can never remember Titan’s where Earth is from. “And Ganymede and Titan- I mean, until recently those guys were like rivals. Ganymede has a whole thing going with Europa. And Titan… there is maybe something between him and Titania?”

That’s…

Wait, Titania is the name of that Uranian moon!

“Funny, in my reality, Europa and Titania are together. I’m guessing here-”

“Here they’re sort of rivals too.”

So… are they all into both genders in both realities? Or are they like… gay in one and straight in the other?

Earth doesn’t want to think about what that means for the implications of how sexualities are linked to an individual. He prefers not thinking about sexualities at all.

Wait-

“Is Venus not a girl in your reality???”

“I- no?! He- Venus is a girl in your reality?!”

Why though? Is this simply because his Venus is trans? So this reality’s version of him is cis? But if that’s the case then shouldn’t all the cis people in Earth’s reality be trans here? Or is this the universe assuming cis is a default, so on when a person is trans do they need to flip this characteristic? Because that would just be sort of transphobic on the universe’s part-

Or is this reality’s Venus transmasc when Earth’s was transfem?

But when, shouldn’t everyone else’s gender flipped? Still kind of transphobic of the universe if this is the case.

Or…

Or , maybe this Venus is also transfem but hasn’t come out yet? Are they… what is it called… an egg? An omelette?

…you know what? Not his business.

Earth must have been silent, contemplating the potentially transphobic nature of the universe for too long because Luna speaks up to ask another question.

“What about everyone else?”

“Huh?”

“What is everyone else like?”

“What? Want me to give a run down on everyone’s likes, dislikes, and personalities?”

“Maybe not like a full run down. Just… the broad strokes?”

“Uh…” Start from the center?

So Earth does, he explains the distant way Sol runs things, the strict checks and balances in place, which Luna contrasts with his Sun’s chaotic, oftentimes almost clingy nature. And Mercury-

“What do you mean Mercury doesn’t wear a shirt and Mars has a mohawk?! ”

“I mean just that! Mercury’s astral form refuses to wear a shirt, which I hate. And Mars refuses to trim his disgusting, purple mohawk, which everyone hates.”

“...I hate that.”

“Me too.”

“...my Mars hates mohawks.”

Why did Earth get the bad reality?!

His Jupiter is a doped up party animal. Luna’s is a wise older brother figure. His Saturn is one of the biggest douchebags to ever exist. Luna’s cries when he watches cat videos. His Uranus is some kind of unbearable want-to-be comedian who only has one kind of joke and it’s about butts. Luna’s is some kind of awkward artist. His Neptune is distant and spends most of his time thinking about rock, paper, scissors. Luna’s is some goofy guy who apparently send people to different realities .

It’s horrifying and hilarious to imagine. And things only get better when Earth mentions how Ceres is a tenured professor at Stanford (“How does he even go there?!” “Ceres is a pretty small guy. He’s only the size of Texas.” “I- what- ?!”) That Triton begged Neptune to be his moon and Neptune didn’t even want him. (“What are the rest of Neptune’s moons like?” “Apparently they’re gangsters who beat Triton up on a daily basis.” “...oh. And- and you said Pluto-” “He and Pluto used to date.” “...what the hell .”) And then Planet X-

“Wait, Planet who?!” Earth asks, because he’s never heard that name before.

“...Planet… X? You know- the one who got ejected by Jupiter and Saturn? He was gone for like 4.5 billion years and then returned for a bit, got Jupiter banished for a bit, fought all of the moons in the Solar System and then left to explore the stars?”

Literally none of this rings a bell. Although Earth now can’t help but wonder if this “Planet X” is what came between Jupiter and Saturn in his reality too.

And then, as they finally approach the asteroid belt, Luna throws one final question at him.

“Wait! What about Phobos and Deimos? What are they like?””

Phobos and Deimos…

Oh, wait…

“You mean the sloths?” Mars’ two pebbles? The one the red planet usually ignores except for when he’s verbally abusing them (even if the two never seem to respond to it.) “They’re… I don’t know, they don’t do much.”

Earth doesn’t know what else to say about them, although it’s apparently enough because the moon just gives a small “huh,” as if that makes sense with everything else Earth has said (which… considering everything, Earth wonders just how unhinged this reality’s Phobos and Deimos are.)

“Hey mofo, where’d you go?” Mars calls out, although it’s impossible to take him seriously with everything Luna has said about him, with the fact these words sound so forced and Mars is clearly trying to mask his worry that he had after Earth just ran off (Earth wonders if there is a story there, if there is a reason that both him and Luna seemed so worried.)

“Just went out for a bit… bruh.” Did he seriously call this dude ‘bruh?’ “I’m back now, why?”

Then, as if Mars has remembered his assigned role, Earth suddenly sees the attempt to get rid of any concern as the planet just shrugs.

“Just wonderin’.”

Given how Luna has mentioned that this reality’s Earth and Mars are close friends, he’s kind of surprised Mars isn’t laying on the animosity a bit harder (especially when he knows how much animosity his reality’s Mars has.) It’s almost like this Mars is scared of hurting him, and Earth doesn’t know how to feel about this considering the baseline in his Solar System is mean (with a few exceptions.)

That’s one striking thing here, how nice everyone seems to be. This Solar System is not without its problems, but Luna chased after him when he disappeared, Neptune did all this trying to help and clearly felt bad, Pluto dragged Ceres away when Earth triggered him (which was probably not the best idea considering what he now knew about the dwarf planet), Haumea kept apologizing to Makemake for saying things that barely qualified as mean, Saturn undoubtedly had his lines scripted or something, Mars is refusing to be a dick, and literally everyone seems involved in a scheme to prank his counterpart.

Sol, Earth has taken his reality’s Earth’s place and Luna is treating him so nicely.

It’s a bit unnerving. It makes Earth wants to care again.

But he shouldn’t, because none of this is going to last. Within a few hours things will be back to normal. With the exception of Luna and Neptune (who has a famously bad memory apparently and may have already forgotten), nobody will even know he was here. Not unless they or their real Earth speaks up.

He doesn’t say much else to Mars and returns to his- to Earth’s orbit, Luna following behind.

But Luna won’t be by his side for long, because eventually everything is going to go back to normal. Eventually he’s going to be alone again.

And he’ll be fine with that. He has to be. To be anything less would be ungrateful.

This is arguably one of the weirdest days Luna has ever had.

From watching Venus and Mercury kiss, to listening to Earth ask Mars to kill Mercury, to panicking after losing his planet only to find him in a panicked state, to learning that this Earth isn’t his Earth but an Earth from an alternate reality where Venus and Mercury are in love, Mars has a mohawk, Titan and Ganymede are together, and Ceres is a professor.

Luna wants to write it all off as an elaborate prank. It wouldn’t be the first time Earth went above and beyond for April Fools but-

But even if this isn’t Luna’s Earth, they have the same eyes. This Earth’s may be a bit dimmer, but Luna knows this terror, knows this can’t be anything but genuine.

Which is horrible, because what this Earth said-

“Why do you care?”

“Why are you being so weird?! With this ‘Luna’ stuff and then you acting all nice to me! You’re never nice to me! So there is no point in continuing on your little act because I know it’s fake!”

“I- pretend?! Never nice- Earth, Earth, why would you think that? Did I do something? I meant what I said back in the moon revolution, I’m always here for you. That hasn’t changed.”

“You can stop now.”

“That doesn’t even make sense! People aren’t acting like they're opposites! They’re just acting- well… weird! Except for you! You’re the one acting like your opposite, Luna!”

“Because I’m being nice to you?! Because I’m trying to show I care?!”

“YES!”

This Earth was shocked that Luna came after him. This Earth was shocked to hear that Luna cared about him. This Earth has described his reality and all Luna can think is that even with the amount of drama in this Solar System, the drama in this mirror-verse sounds so much worse. He can’t help but hope that Earth is okay. That this Earth’s Venus (his sister? What is up with that?? Does Venus have something to tell them??) is looking out for him. That Earth hasn’t bothered that Mars or Saturn or taken any of that Jupiter’s drugs.

And as worried as Luna is for his Earth, he can’t help but worry about this one too. Because does this person have anyone outside of his sister?

Luna has been too scared to ask about his counterpart, because everything that Earth has implied so far makes it seem like that Luna may be one of the worst moons in existence.

And yet this Earth still didn’t seem to hate him back when they weren’t aware of the fact that Earth was in a different reality. If anything he seemed scared of hurting him. Which doesn’t make a lot of sense because yeah, as Dark Side of the Moon has threatened before (does a version of Dark exist in the other reality? Is he some kind of hyper, fun-loving cheerleader?) he could crash into Earth’s surface. But that would also have the slight disadvantage of killing them. Earth would be at risk for losing all the life on his surface, but he may survive. Luna would be dead.

(Is that reality’s Luna so hateful that he would become a suicide bomb to destroy his planet?!)

(He doesn’t want to know the answer.)

Luna doesn’t know what’s going through this Earth’s mind, but as quiet as he’s been, he seems to have entirely shut down now.

And Luna doesn’t know what to do, what to say. Because seeing any version of his planet so jaded is- is terrifying. Sure, this Earth may be a bit rough around the edges, but given everything who wouldn’t be?! Especially when there is barely anyone supporting him outside of Venus (and it’s wild to think that Venus is the emotionally stable one in another reality.)

Still, looking at this Earth, who seems to have retreated into his own mind, Luna needs to say something . Because if he doesn’t, this Earth probably won’t either.

“I- I’m sorry.” Luna starts, and he seems some focus come back into Earth’s heterochromatic eyes and he looks at the moon with some confusion, as if he’s never been apologized to.

“What?” Earth asks, and even with that single word Luna is hit with how different they are, how much crisper and cool this Earth’s words are compared to the one Luna is used to, who tends to inject emotion in nearly everything he does (and if it’s not Earth’s real emotion, he’s still very good to fake it (although he seems to have gotten better at that as of late.))

“Just… I’m sorry, that your Luna doesn’t seem to always be there for you. I’m sorry that some of the people in your reality seem to really suck. I- I can’t imagine a reality where I’m not there for my Earth, and I’m sorry that you have to.”

Something changes in Earth’s eyes, and for a moment Luna wonders if he’s pushed things too far. This may be another version of his planet, but he did just meet the guy. And Luna is kind of implying his reality is better than this Earth’s home one.

Still, he can’t let this day end without this version of Earth knowing that he deserves to be loved.

“It- it’s okay.” Earth starts, seeming a bit hesitant at first although that emotion seems to be quickly masked with cool detachment. “You don’t need to apologize. And my Luna doesn’t either. He’s still my moon. And he has a reason why he acts why he does. You don’t need to feel bad about me not getting something I don’t deserve.” 

And Luna’s heart breaks. Because he doesn’t know the full story between this other Luna and this Earth, but that doesn’t mean that he’s not deserving of love or companionship. The few times Luna left Earth behind were his biggest regrets (he was so close to losing Earth forever… twice- ) And the idea of there being a Luna who’s abandoned Earth completely? Luna doesn’t even know what to think about his counterpart.

“Earth.” Luna says, looking this version of his planet in the eyes as he tries as hard as he possibly can to convey that what he’s saying is the truth. “You do deserve good things. No matter what happened. You deserve to be happy. I know it, from what it sounds like your Venus knows it too. Everyone else in your reality are just idiots.” Okay, maybe don’t insult this guy’s entire reality- “I want you remember that, if nothing else.”

Earth freezes completely, and he can see the cool mask breaking as the planet then chokingly asks: “Why does it matter? You won’t see me again. You don’t need to worry about me.”

And that hurts. Because maybe that’s true. But Luna still hopes that at least Earth can take that away from this experience. And besides–

“Maybe not.”

“...what?” Earth asks, and maybe it is a bit of a reach but…

“Well, Neptune brought you here before, maybe he can bring you again?” Because well, Neptune is Neptune. Who knows what he’s fully capable of.

“Wouldn’t that mean that you’d lose your Earth again?”

And that makes Luna freeze, because he hadn’t even considered that. Luna doesn’t know if he can risk losing his Earth again. The only really Luna is acting with even a semblance of calm is because he knows this has a time limit, because Dark has made it clear through their mental connection that Luna panicking won’t do anything for either version of Earth, that the best thing he can do is to remain calm.

But they also don’t know for sure how this works, the only one who does is Neptune (maybe) and…

“Maybe not. Neptune only did this because it was supposed to be a prank, right? Maybe he doesn’t need to switch people? Maybe just bring one person over? Or maybe-”

“Luna, you don’t need to do that for me.”

And maybe not but-

“I want to! You’re allowed to be happy, Earth.”

Silence. And then…

“But I’m not even your Earth. ”

Maybe not but…

“You’re still an Earth. And I’m Luna, Earth’s moon. I’m supposed to orbit the Earth, to support the Earth, to keep the Earth on his axis. And that doesn’t seem to have changed between realities.”

He doesn’t know what he’s expecting Earth to say, if he’s expecting Earth to reluctantly accept what he’s saying, or brush Luna off, but then-

“Huh. You’re kind of weird.”

And it isn’t said cruelly. If anything, Earth seems amused. Yet, Luna can see it in his eyes, even if Earth doesn’t quite believe what Luna is saying, he knows that Luna does. And Luna hopes that it will be enough, that the seeds planted will eventually bloom.

Still, he can’t help but admit.

“You kind of are too.”

And Earth shares a small smile with him. It isn’t the same smile that Luna is used to. It’s smaller, hesitant, a bit more awkward. But it’s real.

And Luna hopes that maybe he’ll be able to see it again.

"You know, I kind of like this guy." Luna can hear Dark project in their shared mind.

"Of course you do."

 “So, you’re back.” Luna says casually, and Earth is thrown for a loop by what his moon just said. Because–

“Wh- you knew ?!”

“I met the other you. We had a whole adventure together. I learned a lot about his reality. About him.”

Huh, Earth never really considered the idea that the reverse version of him could end up in his reality. But with the shirtless Mercury and the female Venus and the wedding and the mohawk Mars , he has to ask-

“...what was he like?”

Luna takes a pause, as if he’s trying to find the right way to word it, and Earth hopes it isn’t because his version was too traumatic.

“He was a bit closed off. And definitely confused at first. And a bit harsher than you but-”

“But what?”

“But he was also hurting. And I think alone.”

And Earth can relate, he remembers how he felt when he thought all his friends left him. He remembers that pain, feeling too much that he wanted to feel nothing at all. The way he tried to be enough, tried to play his role to perfection so people would like him

Earth is sort of surprised he can relate to his counterpart at all, given the contrast between the celestials he knew and the ones he met. But maybe in the center of it all, they aren’t just different, they just deal with things differently. Because it makes sense that his counterpart would respond to the same kind of pains Earth has felt but closing himself off, rather than feeling too much and trying to mask it by being who he thinks people want him to be.

“That sucks.” He can’t think of a better way to describe it, but it’s accurate. And so is… “I sort of wish I could have met him.”

“Me too.” Luna admits, and Earth doesn’t quite know if it’s possible (heck, he still doesn’t know how this even happened) but that would be a sight to see.

And in the meantime, Earth can tell Luna the horrors of a shirtless, rizzy Mercury and a purple, mohawked Mars.