Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The last summer

Tobin sits facing the sea, her back resting on the stone wall of the open cave she's in. To reach this secret cave, you have to walk for a while through the forest alongside the sea, follow the coastal path and turn away at just the right moment. If you know where to look, you'll find a small stone staircase leading to a little natural pool overlooking the sea. A place isolated from the world where Tobin has loved to come to recharge and draw since her early teens. Tobin likes to think she's one of only two people in Shellfish Bay who know about this place, her favorite on the island.

Christen and Tobin were 12 when they discovered the cove by accident. As two bored pre-teens on a hot day, they had decided to come to the sea for a swim. Little did they know that they were about to discover the place that would become the most significant of their adolescence. Every late evening, every birthday, every discussion about the future, every dream whispered to the sea would be set in this seaside cove.

In the summer after her 17th birthday, as she and Christen stand on the precipice of adulthood, their relationship blurrier than it has ever been, Tobin comes to the creek more and more often. She comes to draw, to be alone, to think, to find courage.

It's the last morning before summer officially begins. The tourists and families who come to spend the summer at their Shellfish Bay vacation home will be arriving later in the afternoon. Tobin feels nervous. This is the last summer she'll spend working at the family ice cream shop with Christen. She's friends with several of the teenagers who will arrive by boat later in the day, ready to enjoy the summer, but for some reason she can't quite explain yet, she's not looking forward to their arrival as much as usual. If she's honest with herself though, she knows that part of her nervousness stems from the fact that she'd like to keep Christen all to herself a little longer. Enjoy their last moments on the island together. Maybe if they'd managed to clarify their relationship during the school year, Tobin would be less anticipating the arrival of the Outsiders. Christen and Tobin are what they call “locals”. They don't just come to the island for vacation, they grew up here with their families and live here all year round. They've been going to school on the island all their lives, they know all the inhabitants, they're familiar with all the shops, they see most of the houses as places where they can come and go as they please, familiar with their occupants. They've been friends for longer than they can remember, spending most of their time together since kindergarten. You could say their friendship is special, but considering how small the island is and how few people live here, they're not the only ones to have a close relationship, a bond that's been there since birth. In Shellfish Bay, friendships are strong and last a lifetime. Tobin and Chrisent are friends as their parents were before them, and as their children and those of their classmates will be after them. It's a blessing and a curse.

Tobin draws a line in her sketchbook just as she hears Christen calling in the distance. She's not exactly surprised to hear her : when she comes to their place, Tobin is used to and even welcomes being joined by her best friend.

"What are you still doing here, Tobs? The shop opens in 30 minutes, your dad's looking for you!" Christen shouts from the top of the stone stairs, over the sound of the waves, without bothering to come down.

"I've still got time, by bike it'll take us 5 minutes to get there. Come down!"

"No, I promised your dad we'd help him with the opening. He wants to put up the new banner."

“I forgot.”

Christen descends the few steps separating her from Tobin and looks at her with insistent eyes, arms on her hips. "What's been going on with you for the last two days? You seem stressed. Even more than usual."

“I'm not stressed.” Tobin murmurs without looking up from her barely started drawing.

"Tobs, this is our last summer. The Outsiders arrive today, it's always the best day of the year. We're usually excited." Christen sighs and sits down next to Tobin, their shoulders side by side.

"I know. And I can't wait to see the others, I promise. I can't wait for the fire on the beach tonight, I can't wait for the buzzing of the island when the Outsiders are here, I can't wait for our summer traditions, but at the same time....with summer starting...I can't help thinking about it being the end soon."

Christen sighs, but seems to understand exactly what her best friend is worried about. "Tobs, summer's starting, we've got months left together still. We can't spoil our last summer by dreading the end. And anyway, in the fall, you're going to come to New York with me, help me get settled, we've still got plenty of time."

Tobin remains silent. She'd like to share Christen's excitement, but she has trouble imagining herself in New York. She hasn't told her friend yet, but every time they talk about Christen leaving for New York and the possibility of Tobin going with her, she can't help thinking that she'd be a drag on her friend. She wants Christen to enjoy her new life, to leave with her head clear, she doesn't want her to feel forced to drag along her childhood friend, her friend who will stay behind, the one who doesn't want to leave the island where she grew up.

As soon as Christen received her acceptance letter to NYU, Tobin felt she had to let her go. She remembers Christen's joy, the joy she immediately shared with her, as if she were the one who had just been accepted to one of the best schools in the country. Tobin is happy for Christen, no part of her, not even the darkest she keeps buried deep inside, feels something besides happiness for her friend's success. It's another kind of bad feeling that tears Tobin apart. It's that of feeling unfit to remain friends with Christen. She feels that for her to have a new life, for her to fully enjoy New York and the encounters she'll have there, she must leave Tobin behind and never look back. Obviously, if Tobin were to share these thoughts with Christen, she might be reassured, might understand that Christen never had any intention of leaving her behind or creating an adult life for herself in which she wasn't involved, but for the past year, communication between the two girls has been blurred. Every conversation they have is half-hearted, every glance between them is charged, every exchange has the potential to turn into a squabble. For the past year, they've been dancing with an imaginary line, with possibilities, with a feeling bigger than themselves, that neither of them feel they can share with the other. At fourteen or at fifteen, they could have transformed their friendship. They could have become more. But this year, everything is more complicated. It feels a little bit like it’s too late. Christen's departure is hanging over their heads and their ill-defined relationship.

"I know we have time. We'll make the most of it, I promise. But this morning I was feeling a little...." She stops herself, sensing Christen’s eyes boring into the side of her eyes. "I can't believe it’s the last time I'll see you in your ice cream cone hat." Tobin tries to lighten the mood by avoiding going into detail about Christen's plan, about the possibility of going to New York with her. Tobin feels Christen tensing beside her, wanting to return to the subject, but after a moment, she smiles at Tobin's bad joke and rises to her feet. She holds out her hand to Tobin, who takes it, ignoring her usual reaction to physical contact with her friend.

“Come on, if you manage to get to the shop before me, I'll even wear the yellow apron.” Christen takes off running without giving Tobin time to react.

“You're cheating!” Tobin runs behind her and the two girls arrive at their bikes out of breath, laughing. They pedal side by side to the shop. Tobin rides as fast as she can, still competitive with Christen, and she feels free for the first time since the morning. Christen is right. She needs to enjoy her last summer with her. Her last moments with her friend on the island she loves so much. The island she'd so much wished she could be able to leave, but where she'd always imagined living all her life. She used to think Christen would be by her side, no matter what, but now her future here is more uncertain. She knows she'll be surrounded by her family and the rest of her friends, very few of whom will leave the island after high school, but for Tobin, there will always be a big piece of her puzzle missing. For her, every corner of the island will always remind her of her childhood friend, the one who became the center of her universe without her even realizing it. The one she has to let go of.

Present time

Christen hangs up the phone with a sigh. It's settled. She approaches her window to watch the sun set over Brooklyn. In a few days, she'll be treated to even grander sunsets, ones she hasn't seen in six years, since the last time she fell asleep in Shellfish Bay. She inhales deeply, letting the news sink in : she's going home. For the first summer since she was 17. She'll arrive on the island at the same time as the others, the Outsiders. She's one of them now. She smiles at the thought. She really is exactly where she's supposed to be, where she imagined herself at 17, when she was dreaming about her future. Part of her brain whispers that she didn't imagine herself exactly like this, that she thought she’d had routine visits from a certain honey-eyed brunette, but apart from this now insignificant detail, her life is exactly as she wanted it when she was young.

After graduating from NYU, Christen moved in with Sidney, a new friend she'd met in college. The two girls got an apartment in Brooklyn, where they quickly fell in love with the neighborhood. Josh always says that her apartment is too far away and that she needs to move back to Manhattan, but she's in no hurry. They have their whole lives to live together. For now, she's 23 and wants to enjoy her last moments of freedom. Josh surprised her by proposing on graduation day, but despite the fact that their engagement has dragged on for two years now, she feels content in their relationship. He won't be able to accompany her to Shellfish Bay this summer, but that's for the best. She'll be able to enjoy her parents, her friends and her island to her heart's content. Her parents have visited her a few times in New York since she moved there for school, but she knows she's disappointed them terribly every summer when she's told them she was staying in New York for an internship, for work or for any other reason she could think of at the time. Shellfish Bay is associated with Tobin for her and until this summer, until she had a good reason to do so, she never felt ready to go back and see the brunette again.

This summer is different. She's graduated, she's got a good job and she's just received funding to write the book she's always dreamed of writing. Part of her funding involves a return to her roots, a trip to her childhood island, a summer spent researching and writing. She feels ready to do it, she's always wanted to write about her island, but she's also very much anticipating her return. She wonders if she should let Tobin know she's coming back, but refutes the idea as quickly as it came to her. Tobin would learn of her arrival one way or another, from her parents or hers, and in any case, she would surely be indifferent to her coming. Not for the first time since she last saw her, Christen wonders if Tobin is in a relationship. If she's embracing her love for women. If she's able to meet new people on the island. If an Outsider has won her heart. She quickly pushes these unanswered questions from her mind : they never get her anywhere, and anyway, her story with Tobin is over. They haven’t spoken in years. That their friendship couldn't survive the distance, the pain, the resentments sincerely pains Christen, but she now sees Tobin as collateral damage that allowed her to realize her dreams. She couldn't have it both ways. It was New York or Tobin, and Tobin pulled out of the race on her own, so why torture herself by choosing someone who doesn't want to be chosen? It's simple : Christen loves New York and New York loves her back.

Christen focuses back on her mother's joy on the phone and smiles. Returning home can be positive. She refuses to let Tobin ruin Shellfish Bay for her forever. This summer, she's coming home and taking back her rights to the island. It belongs to her as much as it belongs to Tobin.

When they were fifteen

"Marcus and Yan want to go together, but they're too embarrassed. So if you officially go with Marcus and I go with Yan, the four of us could go and no one would know that the two boys are actually together!" Christen seems convinced that her plan is perfect.

Tobin smiled at her friend's big heart and resolute expression. Marcus and Yan are two of their best friends, and lately the two boys have been spending more and more time together, in a way that's more loving than platonic. Shellfish Bay is a small island that aims to be open and welcoming, but gay couples aren't commonplace. Every teenager knows Madame Bridget and Madame Carole, two elderly ladies who live in a small yellow house and own the biggest grocery store on the island, but apart from this couple, they don't have many role models. Most LGBTQ+ teenagers leave the island after high school, dreaming of something bigger, something more community-oriented, something different. Because of this recurring phenomenon, Marcus and Yan find themselves in a situation where their family and friends are unaware of their feelings for each other. Christen and Tobin have known for a while, and Christen is determined to help the two boys get to the upcoming prom together. Tobin really likes her initiative and she can hardly contain the little butterflies that appear in her stomach when she realizes that if the two boys were actually a couple for the evening, she and Christen would find themselves both accompanying each other.

“So if I follow your logic....” Tobin begins slowly. “If Marcus is actually with Yan for the evening, does that mean you and I would be together too?”

Christen's eyes widen rapidly, her cheeks taking on a lovely rosy hue. “I hadn't thought of that....”

Tobin stares at her silently, her mind racing at 100,000 miles an hour. She senses an opportunity. She could easily say it would please her to accompany Christen to the dance. It's not too dangerous a statement, if Christen panics, she could retract it by adding “as friends, of course”. The words are on the tip of her tongue, and she's about to speak when Christen interrupts.

"If it makes you uncomfortable, we can join the rest of the group right after the photos, we don't have to dance together or anything. We're doing this to help the guys."

Tobin's immediate response is that she'd love to dance with Christen. The problem is, she's a coward. She's not brave, and while Marcus and Yan are nervous about flaunting their relationship publicly, Tobin shares their concerns. She has a wonderful, loving family who adore Christen, but she's never been sure how they feel about a sexuality different from their own. She vividly remembers her parents' reaction the summer she turned eight, when she and Christen innocently told each other they loved each other for the first time. She entered the house and announced loud and clear: Christen and I are in love! She wasn't aware of the significance of her words, she just remembers the euphoric feeling of having found her and loving her in a pure, childlike way. Her mother had smiled and immediately replied: "You love Christen like a friend, you silly girl. You're two girls, you can't be in love!" Tobin had felt humiliated, as if she'd missed a particularly easy answer in an exam. She often wonders if her mother remembers that moment. If she knew how decisive it had been for Tobin. Maybe she'd reconsider her answer. Maybe she'd tell Tobin she could love whoever she wanted. If Tobin had the courage to talk about this moment with her mother, maybe she'd be freed of a weight that has crushed her for years, that prevents her from fully living a love that hasn't diminished since she was eight years old.

True to form, Tobin lacks courage and mutters, "It would be embarrassing to dance in front of everyone. We can go as friends with the boys."

Christen smiles sadly. Sometimes Tobin gets the impression that Christen knows her inner turmoil. That she knows Tobin is fighting old demons that keep her from diving in. Some days, Tobin tells herself that Christen shares her feelings and is waiting for her, that she doesn't want to push her into doing things she's not ready for. At other times, Tobin pulls herself together and tells herself that Christen doesn't seem to like girls anyway. Neither friend has ever shared with the other a single crush on either a boy or a girl. They've known everyone their own age since childhood, and neither has ever shown a particular interest in any of them. It's different when the Outsiders arrive, of course. Last summer, Tobin once caught Christen looking at one of the Brock boys. She never dared ask her if he was her type. Tobin often chooses the least risky option, the one that leaves her with her heart intact. She'd rather not know, live in inaction, than learn a truth that would be too hard to take.

"It's decided, then. We'll go with Marcus and Yan. As friends. Can we go shopping later? I want a new dress." Christen smiles happily, proud of her plan and excited by the prospect of a new dress. Tobin returns the smile. She's lucky to be able to accompany Christen to the dance, even if it's just as friends.

//

The night of the dance. Tobin is nervous. She's bought a little pink flower for Christen. Not quite a corsage, but almost. She chose it specifically to match her dress, the one they shopped for together. Tobin went to Adrienne's Flower Market to choose the most beautiful flower she could find. Without ever looking Adrienne in the eye, she asked her for advice to help her find what she was looking for. When she took out her purse to pay, Adrienne told her she was offering her the flower. Because she remembered the first flower her husband had given her, when they were 15, just before the end-of-year dance. Tobin looked at her shyly, wondering if Adrienne knew she was buying a flower for someone she loved in the same way Adrienne's husband loved her. And if she suspected that person was Christen, with whom the whole island knew she was inseparable.

For the dance, Tobin is wearing pants, much to her mother's dismay. But they're her nicest pants. She's made a real effort. Her hair is slicked back. She's wearing a white shirt that shows off her athletic build. She looks in the mirror and thinks she looks pretty good. She practically feels that she could be a match for Christen and her pink dress. As she leaves home, having hesitated one last time to take with her the little pink flower she wants to give Christen and avoiding taking the photo her mother wanted, Tobin senses that the evening could be different.

When Tobin arrives at the Press house, she's nervous again. She hides the little flower behind her back, embarrassed at the possibility of Christen's father opening the door for her. She rings the bell and Christen immediately opens it, clearly impatient with her arrival. Tobin is breathless. Her friend is beautiful, she's used to it, but it's rare that she wears her hair this sleek, wears make-up or a dress that shows off all her curves. Tobin finds it hard to breathe, and if she doesn't often take the time to analyze the conflicting feelings she has for her friend, she's caught up in the strength of the desire, love and admiration she feels for Christen. If she doubted it before, she now has confirmation: Tobin Heath is in love with Christen Press.

"Wow, Tobs. You look amazing." Christen looks at her from head to toe and Tobin wants to die under her gaze. She's hot, tongue-tied and has no idea how to respond to her friend. Instead of saying anything, she abruptly hands Christen her flower, without a word. Christen takes a step back at the force with which Tobin places the flower in her hand. She looks surprised and bewildered at first, but when she sees the beautiful flower in the exact color of her dress, she lets out a little sound and smiles at Tobin with a smile she's never seen before. A sweet, knowing smile, as if she understands everything this flower means.

“Thanks Tobin, it’s beautiful.”

Tobin, still unable to speak, smiles dumbly at her. Christen steps back to let her into the house, and Tobin finds herself in the whirlpool of the Press house. Christen's two sisters are in the doorway to see them off to the dance, and Christen's parents are ready to take their picture. Everyone greets Tobin: she's at home in this house. As soon as she’s done hugging everybody, everything becomes a blur for Tobin. She sees Channing whispering to Taylor as she points to the flower, a knowing smile on her face, she sees the watery smile of Christen's mother as she compliments them on their outfits and tells them they've grown taller, she feels the kindness of Christen's father as he shakes her hand and tells her to watch out for his daughter, as if she really were Christen’s dance partner. She leaves her body to contemplate the scene from above, and understands that in Christen's family, their relationship, no matter how it turns out in the future, will always be accepted. She's grateful and a little jealous at the same time. Christen can be whoever she wants to be. She can love who she loves. Tobin feels accepted by this family that's practically her own, but she's also envious, wishing her mother had treated her the same way when she was younger.

After an endless series of photos, the two girls leave the Press house to join Marcus and Yan, and the four friends head off together to the dance. As they walk to their school gym, many awkward smiles are exchanged, hands are brushed, both boys and girls feel light and close to a total sense of belonging and freedom. Tobin almost feels like she’s accomplishing something. With Christen walking besides her in her pink dress, with her magical smile and her hand placed in hers, saying she needs support in her little high heels, Tobin begs herself to be capable of courage.

The evening in their high school gymnasium is just like any other end-of-year party they've experienced in the past. Tobin and Christen are best friends and spend most of their time together, but they also have several other good acquaintances and friends. They spend the evening dancing with them, laughing and taking photos. Tobin feels good and Christen looks happy. When the DJ, the older brother of one of their classmates, changes the music to a slower song, all the teenagers retreat from the dance floor with embarrassed smiles. No one dares to be the first to ask a partner to dance. Tobin is hot again and can't look in Christen's direction. The other girl seems to sense her rising panic because she gently places her hand on the small of her back, forcing her to look at her.

“Will you come outside with me?” Christen whispers softly in her ear. Tobin is surprised; Christen loves this song, why would she want to miss it ?

"We can stay if you like. I can go get us a glass of punch and we can watch the others dance..."

“No, I want to dance with you.” Christen has a determined look in her eyes that Tobin knows well. Christen is brave. Christen is one of the few in their class who wants to leave the island one day. Christen has imagination, she’s able to go after what she wants. Tobin looks at her, speechless.

"I want to dance with you, but I understand if you don't want to do it in front of everyone. Come dance with me outside, the music's so loud, we'll hear it anyway."

Tobin is frozen in place. Touched by her friend's empathy, impressed by the courage of the girl she's in love with. Once again, her head fights an extreme battle with her heart. She wants to tell Christen that she's not afraid. That she wants to dance with her here, in the gym, in front of everyone. What comes out of her mouth disappoints even her, but will have to suffice for tonight.

"I want to dance with you, too. Outside."

Christen smiles. Maybe Tobin and her cowardice are enough for Christen. Maybe she really does understand. Christen takes Tobin's hand and drags her outside. They run silently in the empty school corridor. In the school parking lot, away from the noise of the other students, with the music muted, Tobin takes a breath. She looks at Christen, who looks magnificent in the streetlight. The two girls look at each other for a moment, unsure about their next move. Christen takes the first steps, as usual. She puts her hands gently on Tobin’s shoulders, deliberately leaving a space between them. Tobin reacts instinctively by grabbing her waist. The most charming little sound Tobin has ever heard escapes Christen at the contact. They begin to dance softly, barely moving.

“Thanks again for the flower.” Christen whispers after a long moment.

“I wanted it to be the same color as your dress”. Tobin mumbles the obvious. Christen smiles gently at her. Another unfamiliar smile for Tobin. She tells herself she must remember all the nuances of these new Christen smiles. The ones that perhaps belong to a more-than-friendship feeling.

The song ends and Christen drops her arms. Tobin reacts more slowly this time, letting her hands languish on Christen's waist for a moment.

“I don't want the evening to end,” Tobin lets out in spite of herself.

“Shall we go and finish it at the creek?” suggests Christen.

Tobin's nervous energy returns. She still feels this evening is different. She nods and they start their journey to the creek. They walk in silence along a path they've walked hundreds of times together. When they reach the creek, Tobin takes Christen's hand to help her down the stone steps. They both lean against the wall at the bottom, looking out at the infinite sea and the stars that seem to touch the water. The waves are not too loud, their noise soothing.

“Can I say something that we'll leave in the creek afterwards?” asks Christen. They're used to doing that. They leave complete conversations in the creek, like bottles thrown into the sea. Tobin turns to her, agreeing with her eyes.

“I wanted to kiss you, earlier, when we were dancing.”

A great warmth travels through Tobin's body. She realizes after a moment that it's a feeling of intense happiness. It's as if the sun has taken up residence in her abdomen. Christen doesn't take her eyes off her, waiting for her answer.

“I often want to kiss you”. The creek gives Tobin courage. The two girls hold each other's gaze, their truth laid out between them, their greatest secret offered to the sea. They approach each other gently, at the same time. Tobin closes her eyes just as Christen's lips touch hers. It's a gentle kiss that leads nowhere, a first kiss that serves no other purpose than to kiss for the first time. Later, when Tobin thinks back on it, she won't be able to say how long it lasted. They kissed softly, under the moon, then a little more firmly, moving their lips, pulling back to smile at each other. They kissed for real, not a child's kiss, but a true kiss given with meaning. They stayed in the cove for a long time, kissing, holding hands, looking out at the sea.

When they got up to leave again, they left their kiss in the creek, not forgotten, but never to be spoken of again.

The last summer

Tobin's hair is sticking to her neck. She feels as if the whole island has decided to come and get an ice cream cone before the Outsiders arrive. Feeling exhausted, she can't wait to get home and jump into the sea, just beyond her backyard, to cool off.

“Tobs, they're here!” Christen calls to her from outside, excitement evident in her voice. Tobin understands she's talking about the Outsider’s ferry. She struggles to conceal her annoyance. She'd like to go home and change before their friends arrive.

Tobin goes outside to join Christen and manages to amuse herself with her friend's excitement. Summer has truly begun. In the distance, she recognizes faces, sees Locals greeting familiar Outsiders. The Brocks brothers walk ahead of the group, Simon shorter than Josh. Tobin figures they've grown in confidence over the past year; they'll definitely be the most popular boys on the island again this year. Christen and Tobin greet them cheerfully from afar : they've been friends for a long time, spending most of their last summers together, with other local teenagers and Outsiders of the same age. Behind them walks a young girl Tobin has never seen. Perhaps a new Outsider. Right away, Tobin feels connected to her in a way she can't quite explain. The new girl has short hair, definitely comes from a more modern city than theirs and walks as if she already owns the island. Tobin turns to Christen to ask who she is, just as Josh Brocks comes up to them. Immediately, any idea of the new girl abandons Tobin as she turns her full attention to Josh and his joy at seeing Christen again. Tobin has been nervous all day about the Outsiders' arrival, but if she'd known what she was in for, she wouldn't even have bothered getting out of bed in the morning.

"Chris! It's good to see you in person again. I couldn't stand just writing to you anymore. I've really missed you."

Tobin struggles to understand what Josh's sentence means. He and Christen have always been good acquaintances, but they never wrote to each other during the school year. Locals and Outsiders alike have a habit of spending the summer together, then happily parting ways when classes return and saying goodbye until next year. Christen doesn't seem to have an answer to give Josh. She freezes in place, her gaze alternating between Tobin and Josh. Tobin is wordless too. She doesn't understand why Christen kept up a year-long correspondence with Josh a secret. The emotion she feels is dangerously close to anger, but she can't quite grasp why. They're all supposed to be friends. Tobin has known Josh since she was five. She might even say she's closer to him than Christen ever was. Clearly their correspondence wasn't friendly. Why did Christen keep it from her? How often did she write to him? Were they a couple? How to explain the last year they'd spent playing with the boundaries of their relationship, dancing around each other if all the while Christen was in a relationship?

“You seem to have quite a lot to catch up on, so I'll leave you to it...” Tobin quickly turns around without waiting for an answer and starts walking back towards the shop.

"Tobs, wait! Christen catches up with her and tries to stop her by putting her hand on her shoulder. Tobin makes a sudden movement to avoid the touch. Christen looks surprised; it's the first time Tobin has refused physical contact between them.

"Tobin, wait, listen to me. I'll explain."

“There's nothing to explain.” Tobin continues to walk rapidly.

"Stop. Clearly there's something to explain because you're mad. We wrote to each other about New York, that's all!"

Tobin stops abruptly. Christen practically runs into her back, so taken by Tobin's sudden stop. "Is that it? Josh tells you he ‘missed’ you only because you asked him a few questions about New York? Don't lie, Chris."

"I'm not lying! It started out that way and we ended up writing to each other a little bit. I'm allowed to have friends besides you, Tobin! He's your friend too."

“He didn't seem to just want to be your friend,” Tobin murmurs. Before this sentence, she was screaming, but the closer she gets to the crux of the problem, the more she deflates. Her calmness seems to anger Christen even more.

“And if he wanted to be more than my friend, why would that be a big deal, Tobin?” Christen's eyes are piercing. Clearly, there's only one right answer to this question, and Tobin is about to give her the wrong one.

"It's not a big deal. You can do what you like. I'm just upset that you hid this friendship from me for a year." She's lying and they both know it.

"Fine. Say nothing more, as usual. But don't be surprised if my patience reaches its limit. I'm leaving in two months, Tobs. I can’t wait anymore."

"I don't know what you're talking about...and that's just it, you're leaving in two months. So what's the point?" This time, Tobin knows she's hurting Christen. She knows that what she's just said is a slap in Christen's face. As if she were telling her that after the next two months, once she moves, she no longer valued their friendship or their relationship. She wants to take back the words the second she says them, but it's too late.

"You're right, what's the point? It's not worth it. " Christen turns and jogs slowly back to Josh, who's waiting for her near the harbor. Tobin sees her go over to him and give him a hug. She freezes for a moment looking at them, her heart pounding in her chest, then turns away, telling herself it's just as well. It's part of her desire to free Christen.

In a few months, Christen will start her new life and Josh could be part of it. Not Tobin, her local friend who would never think bigger than her island.

Chapter Text

Present time

Christen is leaning against the railing of the ferry. She breathes in the sea air, nervous about returning home, but already serene about reuniting with the water's edge and the landscapes of her childhood. Around her, several Outsiders are familiar. Even her fiancé's parents and brother, the Brocks, are somewhere on the other side of the ferry. Christen doesn't particularly seek out their company; the constant reminders of the inferiority of her family fortune are enough for her at Christmas dinner. A little further to her left is another particularly familiar face, Caro, an Outsider who started coming to spend her summers on the island when Christen and Tobin were seventeen. Caro greets Christen with her hand, but doesn't approach her to make conversation. Christen is grateful to her for that. What are you supposed to say to the person who took the virginity of the girl you loved, but who wasn't technically your girlfriend? Nothing. Christen wonders why Caro is coming to the island this summer. Is she still spending her summers with her parents, or is she visiting a girlfriend? Christen tries to stop herself from imagining Tobin waiting for Caro when the ferry arrives and the passionate reunion that would follow. None of this is any of her business anyway. She's moved on, so much the better if Tobin has found love. Tobin had made it clear to her the summer they turned 17, just before she left for New York, that she wasn't in love with her, and it would be almost comforting to find out her romance with Caro had endured over the years.

The closer the island gets, the harder Christen's smile is to contain. All her youth, she'd done everything she could to get away from Shellfish Bay, to give herself the chance to explore the world, to live in a bigger city, to accomplish things she couldn't on her little island. But she'd never imagined spending her summers anywhere else. When she was little and she and Tobin talked about the future, when they were still best friends without the complications of adolescence, she liked to make Tobin promise that they would spend Christmas together in New York and summer together in Shellfish Bay. She thought she'd come back often. She wanted to explore, but she didn't want to leave the island behind; she wanted to have it all. The big city and the incomparable beauty of her island. Life doesn't always go according to plan, and it was against her better judgment that Christen found herself always putting off her return to the island.

She now feels ready to see Tobin again, and even thinks she'll be able to talk to her in a civilized way. They're childhood friends, almost sisters (the idea practically makes Christen nauseous), they can cohabit for a summer without rekindling past hurts. Christen feels in control of her emotions, if she doesn't dwell too long on one feeling more annoying than the others. The little hint of hope. She doesn't know exactly what to attribute it to, she knows she loves Josh and expects nothing from Tobin, but she'd be lying to herself if she didn't admit that she feels a little bit of excitement at the idea of seeing her friend again. The one who was by her side every day of her life until she was 17. The one towards whom she still has the reflex to turn her head to say something to, as if she was still by her side. Christen is not delusional, she knows it’s a long shot. If the last message Tobin sent her the winter after she left is anything to go by, she won't be welcomed with open arms on the island, but she has a secret goal of leaving at the end of August with a sense of closure and a cordial relationship with her former friend.

The ferry begins to dock near the port of Shellfish Bay and Christen squints to try and recognize the Locals standing close to the shore. She looks for her parents only, not expecting to see Tobin, who is more likely to remain aloof on the day the Outsiders arrive. Tobin prefers to see the new people when they're settled in and mingling with island life. She has always been well-liked and sociable, but in a more withdrawn, less voluble way than Christen. It was always Christen who pulled Tobin by the arm to the water's edge to greet the ferry and their friends.

Much to Christen's surprise, she spots Tobin before she sees her parents. She stands there with her hands in her pockets and sunglasses on her face, as if it were natural for her to come and wait for the boat. The closer Christen gets to the side of the boat that will allow her to reach the island now that they have docked, the more she can see a smirk on her old friend's face. She could watch her for hours. Analyzing every little detail that has changed on her face, on her body. Christen is still a long way off, but she already knows that Tobin is still gorgeous. She sees her tanned arms highlighted by her white t-shirt. She has to squint, but she's pretty sure she can make out a pride bracelet around her wrist. It's this detail that makes Christen feel like she's been punched in the stomach. The last time she saw Tobin, when they yelled at each other outside the ferry, just as Christen was about to leave the island for good, Tobin was still having trouble admitting her sexual orientation. She would never have worn a pride bracelet in public, with a calm smile on her face. Christen feels a mixture of pride for her friend and the pain of a wound being rekindled. Apart from Tobin herself, no one has suffered more from Tobin's quest for identity than Christen. By trying to be patient, by doing everything in her power not to rush Tobin, she had ended up losing her.

The Outsiders begin to disembark from the boat and Christen can see Caro's face, a few people ahead of her. She knows what's waiting for her, she realized it as soon as she saw Tobin at the edge of the dock, but she can't prevent the second punch in the gut, harder than the first, when she sees Caro launch herself into Tobin's arms, who has to take a few steps back to catch her and not lose her balance. The two women hug and laugh together, clearly excited to be reunited. Christen continues down to her parents, whom she finally locates a few steps from Tobin. Trying to avoid the two women still embracing as much as possible, Christen tries to step over the platform to a more comfortable spot, but her suitcase gets stuck between the platform and the dock. She pulls with all her might to get her suitcase unstuck for a few moments that seem like an eternity, in a hurry to get away.

“Can I help you?”

Christen immediately recognizes the voice addressing her and is tempted to answer with a curt no, but Tobin is already tugging at her suitcase, easily dislodging it. It's when she turns to hand the suitcase back to the stranger she's just helped that Tobin seems to realize she's in the presence of her former best friend for the first time in six years. If Christen had to describe her expression, she'd say Tobin had been struck by lightning. That she'd seen a ghost. That someone she thought was dead suddenly appeared before her. Christen almost feels bad for giving her this bad surprise. Perhaps the rumor of her return hadn't spread around the island as she'd thought.

“What are you doing here?” Tobin seems to have regained her ability to speak, and if Christen felt bad before she opened her mouth, Tobin's question immediately plunges her into an anger that reminds her of the summer she was 17.

"What do you mean ‘what I'm doing here’? This is my home."

Tobin laughs a humorless laugh before replying. “You didn't really seem to remember this being your home in the last six years.”

"You don't own the island, Tobin. I can come back whenever I want."

"That's right. Welcome home, then. I hope the shock of returning to a place you hate and absolutely wanted to leave won't be too difficult for you." Tobin's tone was sarcastic and Christen could barely contain the rage boiling inside her. She had sincerely hoped to leave Shellfish Bay with some semblance of reconciliation with Tobin, but if their first meeting is any indicator of what's to come, it's going to be impossible.

"I never hated the island and you know that very well. I never wanted to leave forever, don't rewrite history. You're the one who couldn't wait for me to leave, in the end."

Tobin remains silent for a moment, and Christen can see the nonchalance returning to her eyes. She feels as if she's back in front of the Tobin of her adolescence, the one who was a coward and refused to speak her mind. Christen knows it's not worth arguing with this version of Tobin, that she won't get a rise out of her. Christen would love to fight with her. She'd like Tobin to yell at her, she'd like to know what really went through her best friend's head that day that made her decide to break 17 years of friendship.

“Enjoy your time on the island, Christen.” Christen watches Tobin leave and join Caro, holding back tears. Tobin puts an arm around Caro's shoulders and picks up her suitcase to help her roll it. Probably to her home. Christen realizes she doesn't even know where Tobin lives on the island. Certainly not with her parents. She watches her old friend walk away and thinks to herself that she doesn't know her anymore and that maybe she never really knew her after all.

Christen turns to her parents and doesn't have to force herself to smile as she hugs them. Stacy cries softly into her shoulder, happy to be reunited with the only one of her daughters who decided to leave the island after high school. Cody holds back his tears, but he's clearly emotional too - his family is together again.

The last summer

Christen sits on her bed, dressed for the beach bonfire that is one of her favorite island traditions. At the beginning of every summer, when the Outsiders arrive, a big gathering is organized on the beach where Locals and Outsiders can get together to get the season off to a good start. It's what always marks the start of Tobin and Christen's summer, with their friends and families. This may be the last bonfire she'll be able to attend as a permanent islander, and it's one she's particularly keen on. She's ready to go, but she still hasn't heard from Tobin, and she doesn't want to leave without her.

"Chris, are you still in your room? Your father and I are ready to leave, do you want to come with us or would you prefer to wait for Tobs?" Stacy gently opens the ajar door to her daughter's room and sees her sitting on her bed, looking defeated.

“I don't know if Tobin's coming to the beach tonight...”

“For sure she'll be there, nobody misses the early summer fire, her parents won't let her.”

“Okay then, I don't know if she wants to go to the beach with ME.”

"What do you mean, darling? Tobin doesn't want to go anywhere without you."

"I think I hurt her feelings earlier. She found out I was writing to Josh all year and she doesn't understand why I didn't tell her."

Stacy seems to understand the seriousness of the problem and the things her daughter hasn't told her. “And why did it hurt her, do you think?”

“You know why...”

“I think I know why, but I'd like you to tell me yourself if you want to share it with me..”

"The problem is that she's angry, but she'll never say it clearly. I asked her earlier and she chickened out. I'm tired of waiting, Mom."

"I understand. You and Tobin move at different speeds and you can't force her to go faster than she wants."

"I'm super patient, Mom. I don't want to do anything she wouldn't like, but...I'm in love with her." A quiet little sob escapes Christen at the end of her sentence and her mother sits down beside her to take her in her arms. "I'm just afraid we'll miss out on our lives. I'm afraid she'll never be ready and I'll keep loving her without ever being able to really love her."

"I'm glad you finally told me, Christen. I don't know what's going on in Tobin's head, but if I know one thing, it's that girl would do anything for you. One way or another, she loves you."

The sound of the doorbell surprises the two women and Christen gets up quickly, almost certain she knows who is behind the door. She goes down to the living room and opens it to Tobin, who stands nervously with her hands in her pockets, a small, embarrassed smile on her lips. For a moment, neither girl seems to figure out what to say, until they make up their minds at the same time.

“I'm sorry.”

“About earlier, it was unfair of me...”.

They laugh softly and Tobin speaks first. "I'm really sorry about earlier. I feel nervous about our last summer and I overreacted. You have the right to write to whoever you want....and I believe you when you tell me you were just writing to each other about New York."

"Josh is a friend, Tobin. I'm not interested in him other than as a friend."

“I know…”

For the hundredth time this year, Christen and Tobin find themselves on the edge of a precipice. One of them might flinch, might risk her heart. They look at each other for a moment and let the opportunity pass.

It's Christen who speaks first this time. "Do you want to go to the beach? We don't have to..."

"Yes, I want to go, I came to pick you up. We can't miss your last early summer bonfire!" Christen smiles, happy to be able to experience her favorite tradition with her favorite person, no matter the exact terms of their relationship. She shouts to her mother that she's leaving and takes Tobin's hand to head for the beach.

//

When they arrive at the beach, the fire is about to be lit. The long pieces of wood are in place, and most of Shellfish Bay's inhabitants are already there. Tobin and Christen walk over to the group of youngsters their own age, and Tobin takes the time to greet the Brock brothers with real joy this time. Everyone talks at once, as they recount their school year and the significant events that took place in Shellfish Bay. Christen greets Yan and Marcus, who are sitting hand in hand next to Marcus' parents. She smiles as she thinks of how far they and their respective families have come in the last two years. She smiles at Tobin, who's talking with Josh further on, letting herself hope that one day, this could be them, sitting together by the fire, close to their parents, quietly chatting hand in hand.

Christen steps away from the group for a moment to fetch Tobin and herself a glass of punch. It’s not long before she is joined by Josh.

"We didn't have much time to talk earlier. I'm really glad to see you again. I was surprised, but happy that you wrote to me last fall." Josh smiles at Christen, sincere. Christen hesitates before answering. The truth is, she's happy to see Josh again and has enjoyed their correspondence this year. If she's honest, she knows she was anticipating his arrival because their relationship has changed over the year. Josh has gone from a fairly insignificant summer friend to a real friend in whom she can confide and share the dreams she has for the future. The ones that involve New York and are a bit abstract to her Shellfish Bay friends. She wondered during the year if she might be interested in Josh in anything other than a friendly way. But the truth, the sad truth, is that she never imagined herself loving anyone but Tobin. She knows she could be interested in a boy, she doesn't like Tobin just because she knows she's liked women since she was 12. She simply loves Tobin. Just because she loves her. Without being able to explain it and without being able to stop herself. She thought about Josh in a somewhat romantic way, but at the end of the day, the reason she can't love him is simple: he's not Tobin.

"I'm glad to see you too, Josh. You helped me so much this year with my application to NYU. I'm really grateful for our friendship." Christen sees that Josh reacts to the word “friendship.” She suspects the boy expects a little more from her. While she ponders what to say next, she turns her head back to Tobin further down the beach, practically expecting to see Tobin looking at her. To her surprise, Tobin doesn't seem disturbed by her absence or her conversation with Josh. Tobin is talking to a girl Christen has never seen. An outsider with short hair and a fashionable look who immediately intimidates Christen. Christen can't see Tobin's face, but the new girl seems to be enjoying her time with her friend. A feeling overcomes Christen and it's not long before she recognizes it as jealousy.

Christen knows that Tobin prefers women. They talked about it once, in a conversation they left in the cove. Christen admitted to thinking she was bisexual, and Tobin said she didn't think she could love a man. She didn't go into detail about her possible love for women, but the friends understood each other. They hugged under the open starry sky of the creek and never spoke of it again. So Christen immediately thinks of this new girl as a threat. A feeling she never feels when Tobin talks to one of their boy friends.

"Did you hear me, Chris?» Christen turns around and sees that Josh is still standing in front of her, waiting for an answer. She doesn't know what to offer him since she didn't hear his question at all.

"Excuse me, Josh, I have to go bring Tobin her drink, we'll talk later! » Christen leaves Josh behind without lingering on his disappointed face. She thinks to herself that she absolutely must be honest with him quickly, he doesn't deserve to have false hopes.

Christen walks quickly over to her friend and gently taps her on the shoulder with the glass she's taken for her. When Tobin turns back to her, Christen has the impression that her friend takes a few seconds to recognize her. It's as if she's in a bubble where Christen no longer exists. Christen is unsettled by Tobin's expression: she's usually so happy to see her and always seems to be expecting her. Their relationship has been complex for a year, but this is the first time Christen has felt real danger. She wonders if this is what Tobin felt when she learned of her correspondence with Josh. Such insignificant letters she should have told her about. Christen thinks back to all the moments this year when she could have just told Tobin about her feelings, when she could have just kissed her and avoided the moment when an outsider would come between them and their ill-defined relationship.

"Hey Chris. Is that for me? Thanks." Tobin doesn't make the introductions and the two other girls look at each other with a small, unassuming smile.

“Who's your new friend?” Christen finally asks.

“Oh Christen, this is Caro, Caro this is Christen...my best friend.” Christen had never hated the term so much. Best friend. She'd like to point out to Caro that Tobin is also the love of her life.

"Nice to meet you, Christen! My family is coming to spend the summer on the island for the first time. I was a bit dreading that there would just be old people and no young or queer people. I'm glad I met Tobin so quickly." Christen looks at Tobin, wondering if Tobin had told a stranger that she was queer. She'd be happy for her friend to have come to terms with her identity, but she's also extremely surprised since her friend is always so secretive. She's never uttered the word queer, even in front of Christen. Tobin avoids her gaze, looking embarrassed. Christen wishes she could look at her so she could reassure her, encourage her, tell her that she's been waiting for this moment for years and doesn't have to feel embarrassed. Instead, she turns to Caro.

"I wouldn't brag about how big our queer community is, but you'll find allies for sure! And our friends aren't bad, you'll manage to make friends quickly, I have no doubt." Caro smiles at Christen, who's glad she's decided to silence her jealousy and be welcoming to the newcomer. Caro doesn't know their relationship and she hasn't done anything wrong. She genuinely seems like a nice person.

" The fire is about to start, Chris and I should go to our spot, but I'm glad I met you, Caro, we can show you the best places on the island if you like! See you later." Tobin gives Caro a dazzling smile despite the little embarrassment that still seems to linger on her face and pulls Christen with her towards their favorite spot on the swings, a little way back from the group so they can watch the scene from afar.

The two friends sit down on their respective swings and start swinging gently. Tobin has a peaceful smile on her face.

“You seem in a better mood than this afternoon on the dock…” Christen speaks and seems to snap Tobin out of her little trance. Once again, she seems to have forgotten Christen's presence.

"I've made a resolution to enjoy our summer. I don't want to waste any more time arguing. I'm glad to be here with you." Tobin has a sweet look on her face and Christen would so much like to believe her. She'd like to reply that she's happy to be with her too, but jealousy quickly rises to Christen's throat.

“Are you sure it's me you're happy to be with?”

“What do you mean?”

“You seem happier about your new friend...”

“Are you talking about Caro?”

“You know who I’m talking about.”

“Yes, I'm glad to meet someone like her...like me.” Christen knows the moment is fragile and that she needs to be gracious in how she responds to Tobin, but she's so blinded by her jealousy that she has trouble controlling her tone.

"I'm like you too, Tobin. If you wanted us to talk about it more often, you wouldn't need an outsider coming along to find someone like you."

“It's not the same...”

"What's not the same? Because I like boys too? And I have long hair?"

“No, because I'd like to have someone to talk to about YOU...”

“Oh...” Christen understands. Somehow, this is the closest she's ever gotten to have concrete information from Tobin about their relationship.

"Caro could become a friend. Just like you now seem to have Josh as a close friend. If I can accept your relationship, and the part of you that feels connected to him and the big city, I think you can accept that Caro is someone I want to get to know better. And who might respond to a part of me I'd like to explore more...." Tobin's last sentence was whispered, and Christen felt a wave of immense love for her friend and her courage.

"I understand. Thank you for explaining it to me. And Josh is a friend. A real one, like you and Caro could be. And honestly, she seems cool. I’d probably like to be her friend too."

"Good. We're going to have a great summer, Chris, I promise. It's our summer, but we've got to start inviting people into our world....we won't survive next year if we don't. I know I won’t." Tobin turns to her friend and looks at her sadly, more honestly than usual. "You're my whole world, Chris. I can't begin to imagine my life without you here."

"Me neither, Tobs. Our lives will change, but we won't lose each other. I promised you that at the cove when we found out I'd been accepted to NYU and I promise you that now. You and me, it's forever."

Christen gets up from her swing and goes to stand in front of Tobin's. Tobin stops her momentum and her knees gently touch Christen's legs. Tobin looks up at her and Christen feels her heart racing. Slowly, giving Tobin all the time in the world to react and stop her, she moves towards her. When her lips come within inches of hers, she sees Tobin close her eyes. She closes hers too, and their lips meet for the first time since they were fifteen. Christen feels the same electricity as the first time, but she hopes with all her heart that this time, away from the creek, without the promise of letting their kiss belong to the waves, this kiss is a beginning, a first among many. A kiss that leads to more. Tobin spreads her legs a little and takes Christen by the waist. Christen places her hands on Tobin's shoulders. Their kiss intensifies and Christen feels a little sound come from her lips when she feels Tobin's tongue on her tongue. She feels embarrassed, but Tobin seems to enjoy it as she tightens her grip on her waist and takes her by the neck. They kiss for an eternity, or a few moments, parting only when fireworks erupt behind them. They scramble away from each other, bursting into laughter as they see their panicked gaze reflected in the other's face. They laugh, kiss one last time and leave hand in hand to join the others by the fire. At this moment, perhaps the only one they will ever know, they are in perfect synchronicity. In their feelings, in their intentions, in their love for each other, in their excitement. For the first time, and perhaps the last, they believe in what could be.

Present time

Christen lies on her teenage bed, in her childhood bedroom, exactly as she left it when she left Shellfish Bay six years ago. She stares at the fan spinning on the ceiling, in a position that mimics all the times she found herself in this position in her teenage years, as she tried to make sense of her relationship with Tobin. She's annoyed to find herself in this state 7 years later, agonizing over the same person.

Christen returned from the harbor with her parents, sharing with them, her sisters and her fresh new niece a fine seafood meal that can only be found in Shellfish Bay. She took a long walk along the beach, marveling at the scenery she hadn't forgotten, but which she found again with real, deep joy. She almost managed to get her catastrophic reunion with Tobin out of her head until she found herself alone in her room, lying on her bed instead of unpacking and getting ready for the early summer bonfire. The one she'd be attending as an Outsider for the first time. It's her own arrival that the locals are celebrating.

Her thoughts raced in circles, oscillating between anger, indignation, curiosity and dashed hopes. She tried to ask her parents about the nature of Tobin and Caro's relationship, but her mother's knowing look prompted her to change the subject quickly. Apparently, her parents still rub shoulders with Tobin on a regular basis, but haven't seen Caro on the island since last summer. According to her father, the two women appear to be friends, but would her father really know if Tobin had been in a long-distance relationship with Caro for the past 6 years?

Christen's phone starts vibrating next to her and she sees Josh's name on the screen. She wants to talk to him, but doesn't have the strength to recount her first day at home. She'll call him back tomorrow. Instead, she opens her phone and types Caro's name into her Instagram app. She quickly scrolls down her photos and finds what she's looking for. A photo of Tobin from last year, on the beach, in front of the early summer bonfire. She's smiling at the camera, beer in hand. Christen holds back the smile that appears almost automatically on her lips. It's been a long time since she's seen her friend like this: happy. She continues to scroll down Caro's profile and it's a photo from three years ago that gives her the biggest shock. Tobin and Caro are in Time Square. They're posing together in downtown New York, like normal tourists. Christen suddenly feels nauseous. Not only has Tobin left Shellfish Bay, she's gone to Christen's town. In the exact town Christen wanted Tobin to accompany her. In the city she was leaving for when she begged Tobin to come with her, when she made herself vulnerable in front of the ferry and asked Tobin to love her and come with her. Tobin went to New York without her, for Caro. It wasn't the island Tobin didn't want to leave, it was Christen she didn't want to follow. The picture couldn't be clearer.

Christen throws her phone on her bed and gets up to prepare for the fire. She opens her suitcase with mechanical gestures, but decisively: she won't stop herself from going to the fire for Tobin’s benefice. She’ll dress in the hottest outfit she brought with her and she’s gonna face Tobin and her girlfriend. They don’t own the island and she’s now determined to show Tobin how indifferent she is towards her. Tomorrow, she'll call Josh back and officially move on. She may have had a glimmer of hope when she returned to Shellfish Bay, but she knows now that she's here to close a chapter, not reopen one.

Chapter Text

The last summer

Ever since they kissed on the beach, Tobin and Christen have been having the most magical summer of their lives. It's been two weeks since they added this new aspect to their relationship, and Tobin still finds it hard to believe that she can kiss her best friend as much as she wants, whenever she feels like it – and she feels like it often. She feels as if she's been starving all her life and is finally allowed to eat. And on top of that, the meal she’s given is her favorite, the one she could never get enough of.

“Are you asleep?” Caro snaps Tobin out of her reverie with a gentle tap on the shoulder. The two friends lie on the beach, just outside Christen's house, waiting for her to finish completing her course selections for the new school year. The three girls are then supposed to go together near the lighthouse, where some of Tobin and Christen's classmates are hosting a barbecue in front of the sunset. Caro, like the Brock brothers, was quickly adopted by the rest of the island's teenagers.

“No, I was thinking.”

"You were dreaming about Christen? Pervert." Caro burst out laughing at her own joke and Tobin chuckled softly, taping her friend on the shoulder. She's not exactly in the wrong, Tobin was reminiscing about her particularly hot evening with Christen at the creek where they'd spent over two hours kissing and exploring each other's bodies. Tobin let her head fall back on her hands and closed her eyes without answering her friend. She wants to stay in her reverie a little longer. Caro isn't surprised by Tobin's silence; the more she gets to know her, the more she notices that her new friend is rather reserved. She likes to bring her out of her shell and make her laugh, but she also respects her silences.

“Coming, girls!” Tobin and Caro turn toward Christen's house, where she stands barefoot in front of her door, arms in the air to alert her friends. Tobin smiles when she sees her, a warmth that's familiar to her, but also completely new, spreading throughout her body. Caro also smiles as she watches Christen. Tobin and Caro wave their arms in Christen's direction to signal that they're waiting for her.

"You look so cute together. I'm so happy for you both". Caro speaks earnestly to Tobin, Christen still too far away to hear.

"Thank you, Caro. Honestly, it's all thanks to you. Your arrival kind of inspired me..."

"What do you mean? You were a couple before, weren't you?"

"No...I'm not even sure we're a couple now. And definitely not before. We spent years avoiding the subject, hiding our true feelings. Even today..." Tobin stops abruptly, unable to articulate her concerns that are the only dark cloud over the two weeks of happiness she's just spent with Christen.

“Tobin, don't be stupid, she loves you, it's obvious.” Caro seems to see through whatever is troubling her friend. Tobin gives her a pleading look.

"She's leaving in a month. She won't want to be in a long-distance relationship with her childhood friend when she's meeting lots of new people in New York. I have to make the most of the time I have left, but I'm not getting my hopes up."

"Tobs, look at me. I haven't known you long, but it's OBVIOUS that you love each other. Don't ruin the best thing in your life because you're scared. Talk to her."

"Okay, I'm ready! Christen startles Tobin as she comes running up beside her.

“Did you get all the classes you wanted?” Caro smiles at Christen, curious about Christen's studies at NYU.

"Yes, it was so stressful, but I have my schedule and classes for the fall!" Christen is clearly excited and Tobin forces herself to smile at her.

“Shall we go?” Tobin stands up and takes Christen's hand to leave for the lighthouse. She doesn't ask her about her classes and Christen doesn't insist. Tobin feels she's the world's worst friend and remains silent for most of the walk to the lighthouse. Caro and Christen make small talk, but leave Tobin to her thoughts, which are all turned to New York and her anxieties. She feels Christen squeeze her hand a few times, as if to remind her that she's there.

As the lighthouse begins to appear in the distance, Tobin lets go of Christen's hand. They've spent the last few weeks clinging to each other and even dared to hold hands in front of Caro, but no one on the island knows about the new development in their relationship. Tobin feels Christen's gaze on her when she lets go of her hand and she gives her an apologetic smile. Christen's gaze is reassuring; Tobin knows she'd never push her to do something she doesn't want to do publicly, but that doesn't stop her feeling cowardly. She'd like to be bold enough to ask Christen if she'd like them to be seen together in front of their friends. Has Christen told her parents about their relationship? Would she want Tobin to tell hers? Tobin doesn't know what Christen is thinking, mainly because she's afraid to ask. For the thousandth time, Tobin blames herself for not being braver. She lets Caro and Christen go ahead of her to greet their friends near the lighthouse and follows them slowly, hands in her pockets. Seeing Christen give Josh a brief hug, she tells herself that he's the kind of person who deserves to be with Christen. That he wouldn't hide her like a secret, and that he could talk to her about her classes in the fall. She wanders away from the little gathering to get herself a drink and misses the part where Christen talks to their friends about her class choices, mentioning that she can't wait to leave for New York and that she's not stressed because she knows Tobin will come with her to help her get settled. Maybe if Tobin had heard her, she wouldn't have spent the next month sabotaging the most magical thing she's ever had.

Present time

Christen walks slowly behind the stroller of her niece, whom she fell in love with as soon as she met her. Her parents, sisters and sister's husband walk around her, glasses of wine in hand, towards the early summer bonfire. Christen is feeling better since her little existential crisis in her room. She's wearing her favorite dress, the one that shows part of her belly and highlights her legs. She feels confident about running into Tobin and Caro. It's strange to think of them as a couple, even though she's known for six years that Tobin preferred Caro to her the summer they turned seventeen. It still hurts terribly to think about it, but the moment of that fatal discussion with Tobin is tucked away in her head, in a drawer she very rarely opens. So even though she suspects that the two women have been together for all these years, it's still strange for her to imagine them together. The last time the three of them were together, Caro and Tobin were friends. Really just friends. If Christen forgets the end of the story, she can even think nostalgically of the moments she shared with Caro and Tobin, the summer before she left the island. Before Tobin broke her heart in front of the ferry.

As they arrive at the fire, Christen's family disperses, greeting Outsiders and Locals, happy to be reunited with their everyday friends and those who have just arrived. Christen sees her mother hugging Tobin's mother Cindy. Christen is happy to see them together and goes over to greet Cindy herself. She’s a little embarrassed, but happy to be reunited with the woman who was her second mother for the first part of her life.

"Oh, darling. I'm so happy to see you home at last." Cindy's eyes water as she takes Christen into her arms to give her the kind of hug only a mother can give.

“I missed you, too.” Christen returns her hug with all her might. She knows she's hurt her parents by staying away from the island all these years, but she doesn't like to dwell on all the other people she's left behind. Her friends, her extended family, Tobin's family who have always been like her own. She suddenly feels guilty for not taking the time to write to Cindy at Christmas or the holidays. She mentally promises herself to do better in the future. This is her home and there's no reason for her not to come back. Except maybe for the owner of the voice who interrupts her moment with Cindy.

"I see some traditions are still meaningful to you. I'm surprised to see you at the fire." Tobin comes up behind her mother, one hand in her hoodie pockets, a beer in the other. It's strange to see her like this, so grown-up, relaxed, confident. Christen thinks to herself how much she'd like to have access to this new version of her friend. She's angry with herself for thinking this way, but she knows it's true. She can't lie to herself enough to believe that she hasn't missed Tobin terribly for 6 years and that she doesn't spend several hours a day wondering what's happening to her.

"I've always loved the early summer fire, Tobin. I should be more surprised to see you here. You've never liked gatherings." Christen's tone is neutral and she keeps her eyes planted in Tobin's. She's firm in her resolve to show Tobin that she doesn't own the island.

“People change in 6 years.” Tobin speaks in a neutral voice too, but it's clearly a reproach.

“Where's your girlfriend ? I didn't have time to greet her earlier.” Christen tries to remove any trace of sarcasm from her voice and continues to look at Tobin, ignoring the slight blush she feels rising in her cheeks. To her surprise, Tobin seems confuse.

"My girlfriend? Are you talking about Caro?" Christen sees her mother and Tobin's mother exchange a glance and slowly walk away to greet other people, leaving the two girls alone together for the first time in years.

"Of course I'm talking about Caro. We're not seventeen anymore, no need to beat around the bush, Tobin."

Tobin gives a dry chuckle. “As I've already told you many years ago, Caro is only a friend.”

"Oh please don't insult me. I saw you with her at the ferry."

"You saw what exactly? Two friends happy to be reunited?"

"Tobin, come on. You went on a trip to New York with a ‘friend’ ? "

“How did you know I was in New York?” Tobin's tone is accusatory and Christen is embarrassed to admit she stalked Caro on Instagram.

“Surely not because you told me...” Christen chooses to go with an attack. Because it's less vulnerable for her.

"How could I have told you? You ignored all my calls as soon as you left the island. Don't act like I didn't try to talk to you, Christen."

"Why would I return your calls? So you'd repeat what you told me the day I left? You think it wasn't enough to hear those things once?" At this point, Christen is on the verge of tears, and she fights with all her might not to let them flow. She doesn't want Tobin to see her cry.

"Maybe I was calling to say something else, but it doesn’t matter anymore. What would it change?" Tobin sounds resigned. Christen even thinks she reads a little regret on her face, but she doesn't want to dwell on that emotion because it's dangerously close to the hope she forces herself to extinguish inside her every time she thinks of Tobin.

Thankfully, Christen doesn't need to answer anything because Caro suddenly appears at Tobin’s side. "Sorry I'm late, I was finishing a call with my fiancée. Hi Chris ! I didn't get a chance to say hello on the ferry, I didn't want to bother you, but I think you look great. New York suits you perfectly." Caro addresses the two women with a big smile, as if they were still a trio of friends and Tobin and Christen weren't having a squabble a few seconds before.

"Your fiancée? Christen barely heard the rest of her sentence.

“Yes, it's new, she proposed to me this fall.” Caro speaks in a small, excited voice that Christen recognizes with pleasure, the same as when she was 17 and discovering the best places on the island. Caro holds out her hand to Christen to show her her ring and Christen smiles at her, sincere in her joy for the young woman.

“Wow, congratulations, I'm happy for you, Caro.” Tobin looks at her with a smirk that displeases Christen, clearly proud to show her that she wasn't lying and that she and Caro had never been a couple.

“Chris is probably a little confused, Caro, she thought we were a couple, you and me.” Tobin is clearly trying to twist the knife in Christen’s chest and she blushes violently with embarrassment.

"You and me? Yuck. Incest." Caro makes a disgusted face and she and Tobin burst out laughing.

Christen is increasingly confused. Clearly, Tobin isn't lying to her and she and Caro have never been in a relationship. Yet she remembers very well what Tobin said to her the day she left the island. She remembers it so well, in fact, that when she thinks back on it, she feels the same stabbing pain in her heart.

“Sorry, I was mistaken, it must have been something Tobin said that misled me...” For the first time since the conversation began, Christen sees Tobin avoid to look at her. Caro seems to sense the unease because her eyes travel quickly between the two girls.

“The fire's about to start, come on Caro, we'll leave Chris with her family.” Tobin takes Caro's arm to bring her along. Caro turns back to Christen. “I'm glad to see you, Chris, I'd love it if we could catch up this summer.”

Christen smiles. Whenever she's felt misplaced jealousy towards Caro, the young girl has always managed to break down her barriers. She really liked Caro and missed her friendship. “Me too Caro, don't be a stranger this summer”. Tobin adds nothing and continues to pull Caro further away. Christen turns back to her family, not wanting to see Tobin take Caro to the swings, a place that remains sacred to her. Where she once thought she'd achieved everything she'd ever dreamed of. Even though she now has confirmation that Tobin and Caro are just friends, she still envies them. She envies them the last six years. She envies Caro for getting to know the new Tobin. The one who drinks beer and wears a pride bracelet. The one who seems confident in her body and soul.

The last summer

Christen slowly regains a normal breathing rhythm. She's lying on her parents' outdoor couch, on the veranda facing the water. Her parents are staying with Tobin's parents, the two families having dinner together as they often do. On the pretext of wanting to watch a movie, Tobin and Christen escaped from the group to enjoy Christen's empty house. They spent the last hour kissing on the veranda, Tobin lying full length on top of Christen.

Tobin rests her head gently on Christen's chest, also trying to catch her breath. In the last ten minutes, things intensified between them and Tobin found herself with one leg between Christen's legs, her center rubbing deliciously against one of Christen's thighs. This isn't the first time since the beginning of the summer that the two girls have played with the line between kissing and making love, their touches becoming more and more adventurous, but as they haven't yet had a discussion about their expectations and readiness to have sex, Tobin forces herself to slow down their pace every time they get too close to the invisible line.

Tobin feels Christen pull an arm out from under her to place her hand on her head, her fingers gently sliding into her hair. Tobin smiles, it's a moment of extreme gentleness that contrasts with the intensity of their movements five minutes ago. Tobin traces little circles on Christen's forearm with her finger and she places a light kiss on Christen's right breast, still covered by her tank top. She feels Christen shiver beneath her and it makes her want to look at her. She lifts her head to look into Christen's eyes and finds the same absolute desire she feels throughout her body. Christen clutches her biceps and lifts her head to place a chaste kiss on her lips. Tobin rests her forehead on Christen's and their breaths intermingle. Tobin senses that the moment could drag on, that they might decide to cross the line now. She feels Christen stir beneath her, trying to create friction between them. Tobin starts kissing her again, because she can, because she wants to and there's nothing stopping her. Christen returns the kiss, their tongues dancing with each other and they begin to move again in perfect synchronicity. Christen lets out a little sound when Tobin presses her leg harder against her center and it makes Tobin want to explore even more, to make her recreate that same sound a million times louder. She leans back on one of her forearms and takes her other hand to slide it down Christen's neck, to let it drop lower, slowly so she has time to stop her if she wants. She stops just before slipping her hand under her shirt.

"I want you to touch me, Tobs." Christen speaks softly, so as not to break the bubble they are in, but her request is said with an intensity that turns Tobin on.

"Yes ma'am." Tobin runs her hand under Christen's tank top and finds her breast. She knew Christen wasn't wearing a bra, she felt her nipples under her, but she still feels an inexplicably exciting feeling when her hand goes directly to her bare breast. She takes her breast in her hand and plays with her nipple, continuing to kiss her. After a moment, Christen pulls her hand out from under her tank top and pushes it back a little, just enough to be able to take the bottom of Tobin’s sweater in her hands.

"May I?" Tobin nods at a mortifying speed, super turned on that Christen wants to take off her sweater. Christen helps her pull the sweater over her head and Tobin finds herself topless in front of Christen. She’s bare in front of somebody for the first time in her short life, in front of her best friend, in front of the love of her life and suddenly she feels a little embarrassed. She has the reflex to cover her breasts with her hands, but Christen gently takes her wrists to remove her hands. Tobin is sitting astride Christen, who is lying on her back, beautiful with her curly hair surrounding her face. Tobin searches her eyes and all she finds in them is admiration. She feels that Christen wants her as much as she wants her. Tobin has been filled with doubts since the beginning of the summer. She often feels that her relationship with Christen is impossible. That she has nothing to offer the girl to compete with New York. Yet, in the moments when they share physical intimacy, she feels capable. Capable of taking care of Christen like no one else could.

"You're exceptional, Tobin." Christen whispers.

Tobin blushes, but is no longer tempted to hide her breasts. She wants Christen to be able to look at her as much as she wants. To her great surprise and delight, Christen leans on her elbows to raise her head and kiss her breasts. Tobin places her hands in Christen's hair and can no longer hold back the sounds coming out of her mouth. She tells herself that she has reached happiness, that the moment could not be more perfect.

That evening, before Christen's parents return, the two friends take time to explore each other, to cross certain lines, but to leave a lot of things for later. They have all the time in the world, they sincerely believe it. They discover each other and even if they don't say it clearly, they love each other. When Christen's parents return, they find Tobin and Christen all dressed up, sitting side by side on the outside couch, watching the stars. Tobin's head is resting on Christen's shoulder, and she doesn't take it off when she sees them approach. Cody and Stacy smile at them and say goodnight. Turning back to the girls one last time as she closes the back door, Stacy sees Christen kiss Tobin on the head. She watches them for a moment, thinking how lucky they are, how rare it is to find your soulmate at such a young age.

Present time

Tobin has been staring into space for thirty minutes, leaning against the counter of the ice cream shop. The rainy day is particularly quiet at the store. She's running the business in her father's absence for the week, while he recovers from a minor ankle injury. She hasn't worked for her father since she was 17, and the store inevitably reminds her of Christen. It's one of the places they've spent the most time together, where they worked for three summers before Christen left Shellfish Bay.

Tobin is caught in a mixture of nostalgia and guilt. She doesn't like how her reunion with Christen is going, the one she'd hoped for and dreaded at the same time. She feels like she's letting an opportunity slip through her fingers, an opportunity to make peace and reunite with her friend. She's not stupid enough to think she'd have a chance romantically with Christen, but she figures she should at least make an effort to salvage what might be left of their friendship. She owes it to who they were in their youth. The problem is, despite Tobin's fervent desire to reconcile with Christen, she's also angry. She resents her for leaving and never returning her calls. She knows she messed up the day Christen left, but she tried to call her to make amends every day between her departure and December 25th of that year, the day she left her a final goodbye voicemail. She blames herself for their last day together on the island, but she resents Christen for not calling her back, at least to yell at her. She would have had the chance to apologize. The chance to take it back. But no, Christen had just moved on, as Tobin knew she would. She'd left Tobin behind and fallen in love with New York (and Josh, to add salt to the wound).

So, Tobin is angry. But the night of the early summer bonfire still bothers her. Christen had seemed to sincerely believe that she and Caro were a couple. A couple for six years. And Tobin knows why she thought that. It was her fault. Christen thinks she's in a relationship with Caro because of what she told her the day she left. That's what she'd implied. Her plan to let Christen go had worked exceptionally well, so much so that it had led her to believe that Tobin had never been in love with her and that she was, in fact, in love with Caro. This is what bothers Tobin, what makes her believe that maybe the only reason Christen never called her back was because she hurt her too much. Because she convinced her too well of her indifference. Tobin can live with her choices, she can accept that she decided to free Christen and make her departure from Shellfish Bay easier by lying to her about her feelings, but what has kept her going all these years is the certainty that Christen was hurting less than she was. The certainty that she broke her own heart that day, but not Christen's. Except now, since yesterday, since she saw the look in Christen's eyes when she accused her of being in a relationship with Caro, since a little doubt formed in her head, she thinks maybe she hurt Christen the same way she hurt herself and she's mentally torturing herself with a mixture of regrets and questions that only Christen can answer. She could live with her anger towards Christen, but she can't live with guilt.

The front doorbell startles Tobin, completely lost in her thoughts. She turns to greet the person who enters and is shocked to see Christen bursting into the store, her hair wet from the rain.

"Oh, sorry. I wanted ice cream and I thought there would be fewer people because of the rain... I didn't know you still worked here." Christen seems as disturbed as she is, even blushing to be in her presence.

"No, I don't work here anymore, but I'm helping my dad this week." Tobin is proud of the neutral tone of her voice, probably the most polite she's used to address her old friend since she reappeared in her life. "Do you still like the same flavor?" Tobin's heart skips a beat when she sees Christen's smile appear on her face. She seems wary, but it's a genuine smile nonetheless.

"Of course. No flavor beats a mix of orange and chocolate." Tobin makes a small, disgusted face when she hears the flavor from Christen, the only person she knows who orders orange ice cream.

"You're lucky it's still on the menu; no one orders it since you’ve been gone. It must be the same tub as six years ago." Tobin's tone is light, but she sees Christen stiffen at the mention of her leaving the island.

"Two orange scoops then, someone has to taste it."

Tobin automatically begins preparing Christen's order. She picks up the spoon and serves Christen two scoops of orange ice cream in a small cardboard pot.

"You've changed the pots since then."

"A lot has changed on the island since you left." Tobin's tone is gentle.

"I know... I feel like I've missed so much. You seem different." Christen takes a bite of her ice cream and her face lights up. "Shellfish Bay still has the best ice cream in the world. This flavor is better than any in New York" »

"New York has everything else, though. You would have come back sooner if you had a reason other than your favorite ice cream flavor, I imagine." Tobin smiles sadly at Christen. She's still not accusing, but she's trying to open a discussion with her friend. She's tired of living with unspoken words.

"It wasn't the desire to come back that was missing."

"Then why didn't you? Not once in six years?"

"You want an honest answer?" Tobin nods. She's ready to hear it. Christen stares into space for a moment before adding. "I wasn't strong enough to see you again."

"And now you are? What's changed?"

"I felt it was time... before I started my adult life, I guess." Christen nervously turns the engagement ring on her right hand. Tobin's heart sinks, but she already knew Josh had proposed two years earlier. "I also received a scholarship. To write. And I wanted to write about Shellfish Bay. I had to come back and soak up the place. To revisit the places that shaped our childhoods."

Tobin chooses to ignore the part of Christen's sentence that alludes to her adult life and her future with Josh. "I read the short story you wrote two years ago. Your parents had a copy of the NYU magazine on their coffee table. I couldn't resist." Christen raises her eyebrows, probably surprised to learn that Tobin had read it.

"What did you think?" Christen seems genuinely curious to hear Tobin's opinion.

"I really liked it. It was a little hard to read... you know... but I've always loved your writing. You know that." »

Christen smiles, and Tobin is pleased with the turn of their conversation. Christen asks her what she's doing now, since graduating from high school. "Do you still work for your parents' companies?"

Tobin hesitates. Part of her wants to tell Christen everything, catch up, and show her her work. But she's still wary. She lost Christen once, and she's not ready to let her have access to every aspect of the new life she's built. She chooses to remain vague. "Yes, I do odd jobs here and there. Not much to do in Shellfish Bay."

"Do you still draw?" Christen's gaze is full of hope. Tobin knows that their respective artistic aspirations are one of the things that connected them most in their youth. The only difference being that Christen felt she had to leave the island to make a living from her art, while Tobin firmly believed she could find artistic fulfillment here at home. Once again, the urge to tell Christen everything takes hold of her, to show her that she can be proud of herself, that she's built a life she shouldn't be embarrassed about.

"Yes, I draw every day." Tobin chooses to be honest while maintaining a bit of mystery.

"Good. I'm glad. I'd like to see some of your drawings. If you want. You don't have to." Christen seems to blush at her outburst. She's probably wondering if she's gone too far, if Tobin will withdraw. She quickly adds, "I really like your bracelet." She points to her pride bracelet.

Tobin smiles. "My niece gave it to me." It's a bit ostentatious for me, but she was so happy to have found it and given it to me, I've been wearing it ever since."

"It's good to see you free. That's the first thing I thought when I saw you at the ferry. Before you blamed me for being on the island." Christen's tone is light, but Tobin still wants to apologize.

"I'm sorry about that, Chris. You surprised me. I didn't control my reaction. I want to apologize for all our interactions since you arrived. If you'd like, I'd like to start over."

"I'd like that too." They smile softly at each other, and Tobin's heart is the lightest it's been since Christen arrived on the island. Nothing's settled, she still wants to talk about the day Christen left, the breakup of their relationship six years ago, but it's a start. She knows she still resents Christen and that Christen probably still resents her, but for now, with Christen in front of her, enjoying her orange ice cream, she feels at peace. And that's more than she has in the past six years.

Chapter Text

A YEAR BEFORE

Christen is sitting with her back against the brick wall of her apartment. She’s on the tiny balcony that had charmed her so much when she first visited the apartment. To get there, you have to climb out of the living room window. Christen has her eyes closed and is enjoying the cool autumn breeze.

“I found the bottle opener!” Syd pokes her head through the window, holding out the second bottle of wine of the evening, startling Christen a little bit.

“You scared me!” Christen bursts out laughing as Syd climbs through the window to join her on the balcony. The two girls rearrange themselves to fit comfortably in the small space, and Syd opens the bottle of wine. The two girls pass the bottle back and forth, drinking straight from it. It's a perfect, impromptu evening between the two best friends and roommates. They had dinner at a restaurant with some of their other friends and came back to drink wine on their balcony, looking out over the city from above. They recently moved into their new apartment and are still under the spell of Brooklyn, a city they feel much more at home in than Manhattan.

“Are you in love with Josh?”

Christen chokes on her drink, truly surprised by Syd's question. “What? Of course I'm in love with him, we've been together for three years, why are you asking me that?”

"I don't know. I've been thinking about it for a while. Or it might be the wine, who knows. You two are different from other couples I know. No, actually, YOU are different. He loves you, that's obvious. But what about you?"

“Yes, I love him! He's always been there for me. He's been my rock since I moved to New York. I can always count on him. He never makes me doubt myself or our relationship. I love him.”

Sydney is thoughtful for a moment. “That's what I thought. You love him like you love a friend. Everything you just told me doesn't tell me you're in love with him. Just that you care for him. It's not the same thing. Have you ever been in love with anyone other than him?”

Christen gazes into the distance. She is instantly transported to a cove on the other side of the country, where the wind must be even cooler than the one touching her face here. She can almost hear the waves and feel a shoulder touching hers. If she turns to her left, she almost believes that her gaze would meet the honey-brown eyes of a brunette she no longer knows.

“Chris?”

“Yes, I've been in love with someone else before. All my life, I've loved someone else. But that was before. Before New York, before Josh. I was another person back then.”

"It sounds like part of you might still be there. Chris, you deserve a love that's less rational than the one you have right now. You know how much I like Josh, but you never see each other, he doesn't make you lose your mind, you're not affectionate with each other. I'd be curious to see what you were like before, with your first love."

“It was complicated.”

“Was he one of your childhood friends? From your island?”

“She was my best friend.” Christen smiles sadly as she looks at Syd.

Syd puts her arm around Christen's shoulder and whispers softly, “We always find a way back home, Chris.”

PRESENT TIME

Christen hesitates for a moment before entering the lighthouse café. She’s a little nervous, even though she’s genuinely happy to reconnect with Caro. They have arranged to meet in a café that Christen rarely visited, a place that was reserved for the island's adults when she still lived there. As weird as it sounds to her, she's now part of the grown-ups of the island.

She enters the café and easily spots Caro at the table in the back. The young woman waves enthusiastically and Christen smiles at her. They hesitate for a moment before hugging each other.

“It's good to see you again, Christen! I expected us to lose touch a little after the summer we turned 17, but not so drastically!” Caro has a shy smile, but seems sincere.

“It's a misunderstanding. Tobin said something to me the day I left that made me want to cut ties with both of you, but I'm truly sorry. I shouldn't have let my discomfort with the idea of you two being together get the better of me. You didn't deserve my silence.”

“But Christen, I swear, there was never anything between Tobin and me.” Caro speaks honestly.

“I know you were never a couple, but on the day I left, Tobin told me you slept together. And that's okay, it was a long time ago, I'm over it.”

“I don't know what Tobin told you, but I would never have slept with her. The summer we were 17, in my mind, you two were a couple. And Tobin was in love with you, I would never have done anything to get in the way.”

“Tobin was never in love with me.” Christen is stubborn. She is willing to believe that nothing happened between Tobin and Caro, but she is not ready to let go of this part of the story. Because if Tobin was in love with her, then they had wasted the last six years of their lives. And why? The only thing she knew for sure was that Tobin had never loved her and that their breakup was inevitable. That she had cut ties to protect herself from a love that was not reciprocated.

"I think you two should talk... I've remained friends with Tobin; you could even say we're very good friends, and Chris, if there's one thing I know, it's that she's never been the same since you left. She loved you, I'm sure of it."

“She told you that?”

“Not in those exact words...”

“So, no. I promise you she never loved me.” Caro seems to want to add something, but Christen's tone is firm. There is a moment of silence between the two women before Caro resumes the conversation: “Tell me everything about New York! I want to know.” Christen begins to recount her last few years in New York, and Caro talks about her new fiancée, her life in Chicago, and all the summers she has spent on the island since she was 17. Christen feels a twinge of sadness every time Tobin's name is mentioned and she remembers the time they've lost and everything she still doesn't know about her best friend's new life, but overall, her reunion with Caro is going well and she feels truly reconnected with the girl who used to be a good friend to her. As they part ways, Caro holds on to her arm before she leaves.

“Tobin is throwing a party this week. A lot of the locals will be there, and I know she'd like to see you. You should stop by. Your parents will probably be there too.”

“A party? I'm not sure she'd want me to...”

“I promise you it will make her happy. And it would make me happy too.”

“Okay, I'll try to stop by.”

“Great.” Caro hugs Christen and makes her promise to see her again during her stay on the island. Christen leaves her wondering if Caro is somehow trying to get her back together with Tobin by inviting her to her party. She pushes the idea out of her head; it seems too much like wishful thinking.

WHEN THEY WERE SIXTEEN

“Stop moving!”

“But it's taking so long! I want to see what you're drawing.” Christen whines.

“I've barely started! It's impossible to draw you if you move around so much.” Tobin puts down her pencil and crosses her arms.

“But Tobs, I've seen you draw hundreds of people. It takes you five minutes and you're done! You even do it while working, while a customer is eating their ice cream. Why is it taking so long with me?” Christen fidgets in her chair, clearly trying to see Tobin's sketchbook on her lap.

“Forget it, let's start again another time, it's too hot to draw.” Tobin stands up abruptly, taking her sketchbook with her.

“Tobs, wait!” Christen follows her up the steps to the creek. When she catches up with her on the path near their bikes, Tobin is already putting her sketchbook and pencils away in her bag. “Are you mad?”

“No, I'm not mad, it's just that...”

“What? Why did you leave?”

“I find it harder to draw you than other people,” Tobin mumbles.

“Oh. Do you know why?”

“Not really... I just can't get your face right on paper. And I've tried many times.”

Christen's cheeks slowly turn red. She's not sure why she's blushing, but it's as if Tobin is admitting that Christen's face is special to her. And that makes Christen feel a little bit warm inside.

“I'll try again, I promise. I know you want your portrait, and I really want to be able to give it to you.”

“That's fine, Tobs. I want my portrait just because you're the one drawing it, but I have plenty of pieces signed by Tobin Heath, I'll survive.” Christen laughs. “When you become a famous artist, I'll be able to sell them and get rich.” Tobin smiles and rolls her eyes, as if the idea that anyone would ever buy her paintings is completely ridiculous.

The following summer, Christen left the island without Tobin ever managing to draw her. Some things are not meant to be immortalized on paper. Even though she left angry at Tobin and never returned a single one of her calls afterward, there is still a work signed by Tobin Heath displayed in her small Brooklyn apartment. In the hallway between the bathroom and the bedroom, there is a tiny pencil drawing of a secret cove that only two teenage girls know about.

PRESENT TIME

Christen is sitting in her father's office, writing. For the first time since she arrived, she feels inspired. She quickly jots down all the ideas that have come to her over the past week. Her phone has rung twice since she sat down to write, but she hasn't answered it yet. She has spoken very little to Josh since she arrived. He is interning at a large law firm in Manhattan, and she is busy exploring her island in search of everything she has missed for six years. They talked on Facetime a few times, but Christen doesn't often think to call him. It's as if, since returning home, she has rediscovered parts of herself that mean she doesn't miss Josh as much as she thought she would.

Her relationship with Josh is uncommon, she knows that very well. They love each other, but differently from other couples she knows. She still remembers her surprise when she met Syd's boyfriend and realized that a couple could be so close. She feels secure in her relationship and doesn't feel she has to call her fiancé every day, but a little voice in her head still tells her that just because you don't feel obligated to call your fiancé doesn't mean you shouldn't at least want to call him.

Christen checks the time for the hundredth time in 10 minutes and comes to the same conclusion. If she wants to go to Tobin's party, she has to start getting ready now. Her parents left without her about 20 minutes ago, and she knows she's pushing the concept of being fashionably late a little too far. For the hundredth time, her parents have tried to tell her about Tobin's new life to prepare her for the party. She doesn't know why, but every time they bring up Tobin and the last six years she has spent without seeing her, she interrupts them. It's as if she's still waiting for Tobin to tell her or for Tobin to show her who she is now. The truth is, she wants Tobin to want to tell her. Just as she would have wanted Tobin to invite her to the party herself. She's still unsure whether it's a good idea to go or not. Caro has texted her the address three times this week and Christen has promised to drop by, but she's nervous. She has no details about the type of party she’s going to. Is it a celebration? A birthday? A housewarming party? She doesn't even know which house on the island belongs to Tobin! She knows the street name from the address she was given, but she didn't even know there was anything other than warehouses or shops in that part of the island.

While she continues to debate with herself, her body seems to have made the choice for her. She mechanically closes her laptop and begins gathering the clothes she plans to wear. She undoes her bun and jumps in the shower. If she hurries, she will be at Tobin's in thirty minutes.

–

Christen turns the corner of the beach that leads her to the street with the address Caro gave her. She double checks her phone a few times because, as she expected, she finds herself on a street lined with shops. She follows the addresses anyway until she reaches an old warehouse that was abandoned when she still lived on the island. Someone must have bought it since then, because it had been painted white, with traces of green and pink paint skillfully splashed on the brick. The address had been rewritten in large letters on the side of the garage door, giving the building a modern look. Christen can't be mistaken; she is indeed at 17 Anchor Street. The garage door is open and inside, all the islanders seem to be gathered with a glass of wine in hand. The interior of the warehouse resembles an art gallery and Christen is impressed by the decor. For a moment, she feels like she's back in Brooklyn.

Confused but curious, Christen walks toward the garage door. She quickly spots her parents and sisters admiring a huge canvas that covers an entire wall. “Christen, you made it!” Taylor hugs her before turning back to the giant artwork and the rest of her family. “I swear, if I could afford it, I'd buy it!”

“Guys, where are we? I thought the party was at Tobin's house!” Christen is also very impressed by the canvas covering the wall, and the more she looks at it, with the small signature she knows so well in the bottom corner, the more she feels her head spinning.

“We're at Tobin's, honey.” Her father replies softly, cautiously. Now that she's looking at them more closely, she can feel her family's nervous energy. Even Taylor, who had welcomed her cheerfully, has stopped smiling.

“What do you mean? She clearly doesn't live here.”

"No, but it's hers. She opened the gallery about three years ago and from time to time she organizes a small party like this one, just before sending her works to New York where she actually exhibits and sells them. It's her way of giving back to the island, even though she makes her real profit elsewhere." Christen is in shock. She can see in her mother's eyes that she is worried about her reaction.

“Are you telling me that Tobin works in New York? That she's been going there several times a year since I left and that she makes a living from her art?” Her tone is icy. She knows she's frightening her family, but Christen feels herself boiling inside. She's possibly angrier than she was on the day she left the island.

“Sweetheart, we tried to tell you many times, but you get so closed up anytime we mention Tobin…Time passed and we got scared you would never come back to the island.” It’s Stacy’s pleading eyes that calms Christen down.

“ But tonight, you knew I was about to see all of this. A heads up would have been nice! ”

“ Honestly, we kind of hoped you would see what Tobin accomplished while you were gone and maybe you’d be happy for her … We meant well, I swear, Honey. We didn’t want to interfere between you and Tobin and every time she went to New York we tried to get her to call you. Everytime, she said she knew for a fact you didn’t want her to call.” Christen’s dad seems sad and even though she wants to stay mad at them, she understands where they’re coming from. She categorically refused to hear Tobin’s name for the first two years after she left. She gets why they might have been scared of her never coming back.

“He's telling the truth, Christen. I told them not to tell you I was going to New York. That it wouldn't change anything.” Christen turns to Tobin, who seems to have heard the end of their conversation. “Actually, I think everyone wanted to give me the chance to explain to you myself what I've been doing with my life since you left.”

Christen's head was spinning, and now she has a migraine. She needs a break. She needs to sit down and think. She needs to reconsider all the moments and decisions of her life that have led her to be here, in front of Tobin and her artwork, in her art gallery.

“I need to step outside for a moment.” Christen leaves the gallery, leaving behind her family, who exchange guilty glances. She doesn't need to turn around to know that Tobin is following her outside.

“Chris, let me explain.”

Christen crosses the small street of the gallery and turns abruptly toward Tobin, who is following her so closely that she has to stop herself from bumping into her.

“I guess that's what you meant by ‘I'm still drawing.’ You could have told me, you could have invited me yourself tonight, you could have called me when you were in New York. How many times have we been in the same city without me knowing in the last six years?” She tries not to shout, but she's angry. Angry at her parents, angry at Tobin, and if she digs a little deeper, angry at herself. She blames herself for being away for so long that her best friend had time to become a whole new person during her absence.

"How was I supposed to know you wanted me to call you? I called you! Hundreds of times between the day you left and Christmas that first year. You didn't return any of my calls. Not one! I left you a message and told you you could call me back, but that I was giving up trying to reach you for my own sanity. I told you I would answer if you called me, no matter how long it took. Did I miss that call? Did you pick up the phone? Do you know how it was for me to hear about you through your parents and still get no sign of life from you? I had to learn about your damn engagement during a family dinner. Do you know what it was like for me? So no, I did not think you wanted me to call when I was in New York." Tobin looks like a mad woman at this point. She's pulling at her hair, truly in distress.

Christen is kind of speechless. Since she left, she always thought she was the one that deserved to be mad. The one that got rejected. The one Tobin did not love. But now, she’s so sure.

« What was left to say, Tobs ? If I had called back, what would you have told me ? You told me you didn’t love me. That you never had. What was there to add ? » There it is. For the first time in six years, Christen has said the words aloud. The words she never told a soul about. The words she repeated in her head a thousand times before she swore to herself to never think about it again. The words that kept her up at night, replaying every moment she had with Tobin, trying to understand where the lies were and what she didn’t see.

«Yeah and apparently if I didn’t love you romantically, I didn’t deserve a callback anymore. Seventeen years of friendship and if I didn’t want to be in a relationship with you I wasn’t worth anything anymore ? I know I hurt you Chris and I had to live with it everyday, but do you know how you hurt me ? It took me years to get over it. To accept that not only you weren’t coming back, but you weren’t speaking to me anymore. Ever. »

Tobin is right. Christen expected love from her. Not just friendship. And because of that, she was a terrible friend. She considered her last day on the island her greatest heartbreak, but she never stopped to think that for Tobin, it was the day she lost her best friend. Only because she wasn’t in love with her. Christen feels like she could be sick. She sees it now. How she was entitled and how she was guilty of only valuing Tobin’s friendship if it eventually led to love. She gets it now, but she’s still hurt.

« Then why did you do it ? » Christen’s voice is small and she can’t look at Tobin anymore. She’s finally asking the question that kept her up at night. « Why did you kiss me ? Why did you bring me to prom ? Why did you pretend to love me for a summer ? To experiment ? I was the only queer girl here ? »

«How can you say that ?» Tobin looks appalled at the accusation.

« How could I not ? » She’s not even fighting anymore, she’s just sad. She feels small. Like she could break when Tobin finally answers.

« It’s more complicated than that. It doesn’t matter anymore». Tobin has her hands in her pants pocket and she’s playing with a small rock with her foot. Christen knows that nonchalance too well.

« Don’t Tobin. You followed me here, you wanted to talk. Speak. You’re not seventeen anymore. You don’t get to hide. I was patient before and what did it get me ? Nothing. I waited for you for years and in the end, you still didn’t want me. I’m not being patient anymore, I deserve an answer. You know why I didn’t pick up the phone. I was hurt. I was broken. So answer the fucking question. Why did you do it ? »

There’s a silence that passes. The two girls finally look at each other in the eyes, without blinking.

« You deserved better. You deserved to leave without looking back. » There it is. An answer. A hint to what had happened that day near the boat, when she was just about to leave.

Christen is shocked. Of all the scenarios she had played out in her head over the years, that one never crossed her mind. She wants to yell. She wants to go back in time and shake Tobin and yell at her please don’t do it. Don’t break both of our hearts and ruin years of our lives. Instead, she recoils upon herself, she puts her hand on her knees and she has trouble breathing.

«Tell me you’re kidding Tobin. » When Tobin doesn’t answer, she stands up and looks at her. The brunette looks tired, but firm in her belief that she did the right thing. «Tobin, seriously tell me you didn’t put me through the worst five years of my life because you wanted to set me free ? You wanted to be the hero ? You thought I would go without looking back ? Looking back is ALL I did. You thought I would just forget you ? You ruined the island for me, you made me stay away from my home, my family, from you, because you hurt me so bad. So please, please tell me you in fact did not love me because somehow, that version would hurt me less.»

« I thought it’s what you wanted ! You wanted to leave since we were in the second grade. I thought I was holding you back. You have no idea how I tortured myself that summer. The closer we got, the more I panicked. I was never going to leave here, Chris, what was I supposed to do! »

«Talk to me! You could have said something. Anything. Anything except lead me on for a full summer and make me believe you were coming with me to New York to help me settle. I literally thought we were going to do long distance and see each other at Christmas. Do you know how stupid that made me feel when you told me you didn’t love me back ? You made me believe you slept with Caro for god’s sake. That was so messed up Tobin. »

«I’m sorry. I really am. I know I ruined everything and I know how messed up what I did was. But I was right in the end, no ? You did move on, you got everything you wanted and you got engaged, you found love again. You wouldn’t have been as happy if you would have been stuck with your childhood friend holding you back.»

«You don’t get to speak of my happiness, Tobin. You don’t know anything about that. You took the choice away from me. You don’t know what I would have wanted. You’ll never know now. You didn’t let me show you. All I wanted was a chance to love you. You took it away from me. And now you’re accusing me of being a bad friend and not calling you back, but you lied to me, you manipulated me into leaving and not coming back. It’s worst, Tobin. » Tears have formed in the corner of her eyes and she stops talking before they fall out. She doesn’t want to cry, but she feels like she’s at the end of her rope. Finding out the truth is less liberating than she thought it would be.

Tobin is muted for a while. She looks as tired as Christen feels. Some people laugh just outside of the gallery, not knowing that Christen and Tobin are finally opening all their old wounds just a few feet away.

«I’m sorry, Chris. I really am. I don’t have an excuse except that I was young and insecure to a point I never fully explained to you. I could not fathom what good I could be in your life. And maybe it was my mistake, I can see that now, but I really tried to make it better. That’s why I kept calling. I really tried to be your friend and to salvage what I could. » Tobin looks honest in her desperation to make things better. Christen believes her, she’s just not sure where they go from here. She knew Tobin at seventeen. She knows how anxious she was, how difficult it was to come out of her shell, to accept who she was and maybe, even if it pains her to admit, how difficult she thought she was to love even though it was the easiest thing Christen ever did. It was like breathing to love Tobin for her, but maybe she wasn’t good enough at showing it back then and now, it’s way too late.

« I’m sorry too. For not calling back. I should have. I never want you to think your friendship didn’t mean the world to me. Romantic future or not. You were my person Tobin, no matter the label. I’m sorry for making you doubt that. I wanted to leave, but I never wanted to leave you. I should have explained it better.»

Another bit. They look at each other with sad smiles. Christen knows what they are both thinking : what now ?

In a true testament to the work she did on herself in the past six years, it’s Tobin who speaks first. «It might be too much to ask, but I don’t know when you’ll be back here and since you made it tonight, could I show you around ? I’ve been dying to».

Christen is surprised by the proposition, but she’s even more surprised to realize she wants to say yes. She would follow Tobin anywhere, that hasn’t changed and she’s dying to see the rest of her art.

« Yes, I would love that». The smile that illuminates Tobin’s face is worth it. « Give me a minute and I'll meet you inside». Tobin seems to hesitate, like she’s scared if she leaves her she’ll disappear. She’s on the verge of saying something before deciding against it, squeezing Christen’s hand and going back to the gallery. Christen watches her go back inside and starts to regain her composure. That was a lot. She doesn’t have time to dissect what it all means so she takes a deep breath and prepares herself to go inside. She has to push the scariest thought of them all : the possibility that Tobin might have been in love with her all along. Yes she’s mad, yes she’s confused, yes she feels like she just got robbed of the last six years of her life, but deep down she can feel it, the butterflies have woken up. And that might be the worst thing to ever happen to her.

–

When she gets inside the gallery, Christen is overcome again with a sense of belonging, like she’s back in New York in a place where she feels at home. She loves everything about the gallery, every choice made by Tobin. It’s not long before she spots her family who seems relieved to see her back inside. She smiles at them to tell them she’s fine. In a flash, Tobin is at her side, shyly offering her a glass of wine.

«Welcome to my place. I’m glad you’re here.»

«Thank you Tobs, I’m glad I’m here too. " They smile at each other and the little wrinkles that form around the eyes of Tobin are enough to make Christen go a little weak at the knees. She missed that smile.

Tobin takes her everywhere, explaining everything, every choice she made, every painting hanging on the walls, every little detail that people might not notice but make Tobin speak excitedly fast. Christen follows her, listens to her, lets herself be impressed by what she did and who she became. It’s a pure joy to see Tobin thrive like she always knew she would.

« What’s upstairs ? » Christen asks at the end of the tour, pointing at a beautiful staircase made of wrought iron.

« Oh, nothing much». Tobin looks suspiciously avoidant in her answer, looking anywhere but at Christen.

«Come on, Tobs, what are you hiding upstairs ? » She’s laughing, but she really is curious. Especially once Tobin starts to rob at her neck awkwardly.

«Do you want me to show you ?»

Even if Christen wanted to say no, she’s forced to recognize again that she would follow Tobin anywhere. « Sure, lead the way».

When they get to the top of the stairs, Christen watches Tobin pull out a key from her pants pocket and unlock the door. When she finally opens the door, Christen enters a beautiful loft, very modernly decorated with a lot of plants and giant windows with a view of the ocean.

«Do you live here ? It’s beautiful, why were you ashamed to show me ? »

«It’s not much. Your apartment must be a lot bigger in New York…»

«Stop, Tobs, it’s beautiful. I can’t even believe an apartment like this one exists in Shellfish Bay ! ».

« It didn’t, I really had to do it myself. There was an office here before. Above the old garage. I love it, but it’s only one room, you know.»

« Tobin, I don’t know how you picture my life in New York, but I live in Brooklyn in a tiny apartment I share with my friend Sidney. You should see our balcony, we barely both fit on it».

«Oh, I guess I tought…nevermind.»

« What did you think ?» Christen stops her inspection of Tobin’s homemade wooden bookcase to look at her.

« I guess I thought…you were living with Josh. And he has money so…maybe yeah, that’s not how I pictured you. »

« I’ve never lived with Josh. He’s in Manhattan and I really love Brooklyn.»

« It actually makes more sense. I love Brooklyn too.» They smile at each other again, both a little bit breathless from navigating this conversation.

Christen whispers, she doesn’t know why, she just knows she’s trying to not break the moment. « Well it’s lovely Tobin. You have built quite a life for yourself here. I always knew you would.»

«You thought we couldn’t do art from here. I wished I could have shown you sooner that we can.»

Christen doesn’t know what to answer to that. She still wants to shake Tobin, telling her she never doubted her. But it feels a little bit too charged with implications. Since she set foot in the small apartment, away from the noise of the opening, she has to remind herself she’s engaged. She loves Josh. There is still a lot of hurt and things unsaid between her and Tobin and her head is spinning. She needs to get out of the little bubble she feels she’s in with Tobin right now. Waking up the past hurts a lot, but it also opens up some dangerous doors. She should tell Tobin she has to go.

« I always knew you would, Tobin. I never doubted you.»

«I know. It’s me who doubted it. You always believed in me.» Tobin takes a step towards her.

« I should probably go back to my family». Her voice seems weak even to herself.

«Yeah, I should go take care of some other guests. Can I show you one last thing before you go ?» Tobin is already going to her desk, looking for something in one of her sketchbooks. She comes back close to Christen, their shoulders touching a little bit as she puts one particular sketchbook in Christen’s hands.

«Here, I drew it last year. It took me the longest time to get it right, but as soon as I did, I wanted to show you. To give it to you.»

Christen opens the sketchbook, her breath cut in her throat. She knows what she’s going to find. Expecting it doesn’t take away from the emotion of seeing it. It’s a drawing of her. She looks young, which makes sense since Tobin obviously drew it from memory. Her surroundings are abstract, but she kind of recognizes Tobin’s childhood bedroom. She’s only drawn from the neck up, but she feels like she’s sitting on Tobin’s bed, looking out the window, her hair curly from swimming. It shouldn’t mean as much as it does, but she feels like she’s about to cry. Tobin had tried so hard to draw her to perfection while she was still on the island and it took five years of silence between them for her to finally get it perfectly right.

« Tobs, I don’t know what to say.»

«Take it, I made it for you. I hoped I would be able to give it to you someday.» Tobin takes back her sketchbook delicately from Christen’s hand and cuts the page from it, giving it to Christen.

«You have to sign it. Remember ? It’s a Tobin Original that I wanted.»

«It’s worth a lot more now, lucky girl.» They laugh softly at that, getting a little bit lost in each other's eyes, the drawing hanging between them in Christen’s hand.

« Thank you, it means a lot.» The air is charged. Not only are they closer to each other than they’ve been in the last 6 years, they’re also standing two feet from Tobin’s bed and it makes the scene a little too intimate, a little bit electric even. They don’t speak, they keep looking at each other, but a force seems to be working to get them closer and closer to each other. Christen has to go, she knows it, but she’s glued to the ground, incapable of moving. For the second time tonight, it’s Tobin who’s bold first. She reaches out to Christen, delicately moving a strand of hair from her face. «I’ve always loved your natural hair. That’s why I drew them that way. You used to always straighten it. » She whispers the compliment, not wanting to pierce the bubble they’re in.

Christen is at a loss for words, barely understanding what Tobin is saying about her hair. All she feels is her face burning from the touch. They are now infinitely too close.

Weirdly, Josh’s face pops up in her mind. She has to call him later. She’s never been more sure of the fate of their relationship. It’s a fleeting thought though because she’s quickly back in the room, inches from Tobin, her heart beating fast, awake for the first time in six years. She cannot take her eyes away from Tobin lips. The first lips she’s ever kissed. She wonders if it would be different now, with everything between them, with the time they lost, with them being confident adults. She’s still wondering when Tobin takes the last step to close the gap between them.

«I don’t have the right to ask, but I really, really wish I could kiss you right now.»

Christen knows the ball is in her court. She could say no. Tobin would accept her no, she’s sure of it. She’s in a relationship, a very committed relationship, she should say no. The thing is, she doesn’t want to say no. She wants to say yes, she wants to kiss Tobin. One last time. Or maybe more than once if she’s completely honest. She’s frozen in place, unable to speak, unable to move. Tobin isn’t moving either and it’s what propels Christen to do something. She closes the gap between them and suddenly, they’re kissing. They were fighting in the street less than an hour ago, they were not on speaking terms less than a month ago, Christen got engaged less than 3 years ago, Tobin broke her heart 6 years ago. But right now, they’re kissing and it’s exactly like the first time. It’s slow at first but it gets intense fast. Christen’s thoughts are all over the place. She’s thinking of their last summer together and how she missed kissing Tobin, she’s wondering who else Tobin has kissed since she left, if she has someone who keeps her company here at night sometimes, she’s thinking how right this feels and how much time they lost being young and stupid and stubborn. The kiss is healing and heartbreaking at the same time. She could start crying or she could yell at Tobin, she’s not sure. Tobin puts her hand in her hair and all thoughts are gone from her head. She puts her hands on Tobin’s waist and she yanks her towards her. One of Tobin’s hands stays in her neck and the other travels in her back. They are pressed against each other, their breasts touching in an electrifying way. They move a little and their feet knock the frame of the bed. They jump in surprise and the magic is instantly broken. Christen comes back to herself and all she felt earlier in the night, all the frustration and guilt and sadness come back to her in full force.

« I can’t do this Tobin. What the fuck. We can’t kiss. We haven’t even finished one single conversation, everything is still broken between us. You can’t kiss me and not mean it like last time. I can’t do this again.»

« I did mean it, Chris…»

« Right now or last time ? You know what, no. You don’t get to say any of that. I’m sorry but you can’t take it back with half sentences and pleading eyes. You either mean it or you don't, you either loved me or you didn’t. It’s not nuanced, it’s black and white. Simple, even.»

Christen looks at Tobin expectantly without even knowing what she’s waiting for exactly. She’s met with nothing but those big brown eyes she can’t read anymore.

«That’s what I thought. Bye Tobin. »

She turns around so fast without giving Tobin the chance to stop her. Mostly because she doesn’t want to know if Tobin wants to stop her. She has to go, leave Tobin’s space, this gallery she feels at home at and not look back. She has all the answers she needs. Tobin wants her in a certain capacity, physically perhaps, but she can’t love her like she wanted her too. And that’s all she needs to know.

–

It’s only once she’s home, when she throws herself on her bed still wearing her heels that she realises she left with Tobin’s drawing. She looks at it and all her certainties go out the window. Objectively speaking, she knows the person that’s able to draw her like that loves her. The drawing is full of love, Tobin giving it to her is also full of love. And it complicates everything.

She really needs to call Josh.