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Chapter Text

Kakashi saw it appear out of the corner of his eye. Kakashi in all his years of being a ninja he had never seen anything like this. Whatever it was seemed to flicker in and out of existence like its very being was unstable. At first he had thought he had been placed in genjustu or something but this appeared this appeared to be very real. The object stayed firmly in place even after Kakashi chucked a kunai at it. In fact that was what seemed to finally solidify it into reality and it was… a book set? Kakashi’s kunai had pierced the cardboard box holding the books but otherwise they were unharmed. Why on earth were they here, though? And who had sent them? Questions raced through Kakashi’s mind as he approached the set and picked one up. It didn’t seem to be giving off any chakra and had no visible explosive tag, but Kakashi remained cautious nonetheless. Being a child soldier will do that to you I guess. Or just a ninja in general. 

Kakashi finally lifted a book from the cardboard holding them. It was a simple black book, with the cover showing two pale hands holding a bright red apple and in big curvy letters the title read, Twilight. A book Kakashi had never seen before was odd. As a frequent visitor to every book store and library in Konoha, Kakashi thought he had seen every book they had to offer. Maybe it was a  banned book filled with secrets and forbidden jutsus but why would someone just leave that out in the open? Kakashi turned the book over and began to read the back ‘huh a vampire romance, not exactly banned book material’. Now Kakashi was really confused as to why he had never seen this book before. He spent most of his time in the romance section, sure for erotica and not for Y.A. but still if a new romance book was released he would be the first to know! There must be a hidden secret in it!

The book was completely normal, Kakashi concluded after absently flipping though most of it. A little dumb sure, but completely normal. Why anyone would send these from anywhere was beyond Kakashi. Though Kakashi did feel an overwhelming urge to do something with them…it would be a waste to let these mysterious space books just sit here. And he had three perfect genin to choose from. Kakashi ruled out Naruto first there was no way he would read them and even if he did Naruto would probably do incomprehensible damage to these mystery books’ pages. Sakura would probably enjoy these but she didn’t need anymore unhealthy romance/bad boy propaganda in her life, so it was the responsible thing to do to never let her near these ever. So that left Sasuke…the poor boy does need a hobby Kakashi chuckled to himself. Kakashi will just tell him he needs to read them to make himself stronger or something and he’ll do it.  This might be Kakashi’s greatest plan as a sensei to date. 

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆟 𓆝 

“You're late again, Kakashi-sensei!” Oh Sakura’s screaching voice is always a pleasure to hear at nine in the morning. 

“Sorry I got lost on the path of life.” 

“That’s always your excuse!” Sakura’s frustration was more than evident in her voice. 

“The path of life is always such a twisty and unpaved path for me.” It’s not like that wasn’t true. “Anyway, time to start your training for today.” 

Kakashi silently giggled to himself the whole day. He could barely remember what he was trying to teach then in the first place. He could not wait to give these books to Sasuke and watch him finally put that angsty mind to good use. Oh maybe he’d even write overly depressing fanfiction! The boy desperately needed something to do besides stew angrily alone in his apartment. 

“Kakashi-sensei, why are we digging up earth worms and just putting them back? In what way will this remotely help our ninja training?” Sakura groaned. She was the only one still doing the activity despite her complaining though. Naruto had gotten distracted early on and Sasuke was just sitting there. 

“Oh I don’t know, I just wanted you to.” Kakashi replied nonchalantly before going back to his book. “Anyway if you don’t want my expert training I’ll just end class early.” 

“Y’know Sakura if you want to get stronger you should really be training more.” Sasuke scoffed out like he had actually been doing anything. Sakura had that look like she wanted to yell at him but was holding back. She really should scream at him, Sasuke deserved a good verbal berating to keep his ego in check. Kakashi just wasn’t going to be the person to deliver it. 

“Well if this is training then I don’t need it to get stronger!” Naruto yelled out with too much passion for three in the afternoon. 

“Tch, you're such an idiot Naruto. Don’t you know you can only get stronger through training. And training with a high level jounin no less.” Sasuke grumbled back. Kakashi was too tired to listen to them bicker back and forth for hours. He really didn’t feel like teaching about nothing for another three hours. 

“I’ve decided we’re ending early and stop yelling. Have a nice afternoon or something.” Kakashi sighed out. “Oh and Sasuke please stay back. I have something important to give you.” 

Sasukke looked briefly surprised but that soon turned to excitement. Just as Kakashi expected, he probably thought Kakashi was going to give him extra lessons to make him stronger. No, Kakashi was going to give him something much more special. Look, icha icha paradise was the only reason Kakashi hadn’t killed himself yet, Sasuke deserved an age appropriate romance book as well.  

“Why did you want to stay back sensei?” Sasuke said in the most nonchalant tone he could manage over his excitement.

“I told you I have something important to give you.” Kakashi replied without looking up from his book.

“And that is?”

Kakashi reached into the bag he had been carrying and pulled out the slightly damaged book set he had found. He gingerly placed it in Sasuke's hands. 

“And this is what exactly?”

“Just read it.”

“Okay sensei, if you think this will help in my training.” Always about training with that kid, damn get a hobby.

“Ya ya now I have my own book to read.” Kakashi lounged back and began reading again.

“As if you hadn't been the whole time we were training.” Sasuke mumbled under his breath.

“I heard that!”

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆟 𓆝 

Sasuke examined the books he had been handed. They didn’t look that out of the ordinary, they weren't even scrolls, they just looked like normal fiction books. Sasuke wasn’t sure why Kakashi had given these to him, but surely they were important. Surely Kakashi wouldn’t give him these for no reason, right? Sasuke opened the book and peered at the first page.

I'd never given much thought to how I would die - though I'd had reason enough in the last few months - but even if I had, I would not have imagined it like this.

Wait, was this just a fiction novel? Surely not…Sasuke should keep reading to make sure. He would stop if it was just a fiction novel though, because he didn’t have time for stupid entertainment….

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆟 𓆝 

Sasuke was fucking exhausted. Not because he had spent all night reading Twilight obviously not, because that had turned out to just be a stupid romance book. And certainly not because he spent an hour drawing Edward Culleen fanart because why would he do that. 

“Wow Sasuke you look horrible!” Naruto declared far too loudly for Sasuke’s exhausted brain to handle right now

“Hey you take that back. Sasuke does not look awful, he always looks good.” Sakura snapped back. Christ Sasuke was too tired to deal with this right now; 

“Tch stop worrying about what I look like and start worrying about training.” Sasuke grumbled without much bite. 

“I don’t think you can train right now. I’m not even trying to one up you this time. You look like you're about to fall over.” Naruto pointed out. He didn’t even sound like he was trying to piss Sasuke off. 

Naruto looked extra stupid today. His hair wasn’t quite brushed correctly leaving it to awkwardly stand up on one side and his ugly orange jumpsuit looked like it hadn’t been washed in days. His eyes were an overly bright and creepy blue and not at all like Edwards warm gold eyes. Not that Sasuke cared about the book at all or was comparing Naruto to the main love interest. It was just they were both going against their natural instincts of a predator and what not. Naruto as the nine tailed fox jinchuuriki and Edward as vampire both had to suppress a part of themselves down so it made sense for Sasuke to compare them. Naruto’s eyes also went a sort of red when the nine tailed fox got close to the surface, just like when a vampire fed on human blood. Not that Naruto was cool enough to be a vampire. Naruto was super lame and Sasuke never laid awake at night thinking about him or anything, why would you think that? 

“Damn Sasuke, did you sleep at all?” A familiar annoying sensei huffed out. Couldn’t he ever announce himself normally? What happened to hello? 

“Anyway we got a new mission! This woman wants us to spy on her husband and see if he’s cheating!” Kakashi sounded genuinely excited. “If you ruin this Naruto by refusing to be stealthy. I will never talk to you again.” Sasuke sometimes wondered if Kakashi wished he had a byakugan instead of a sharingan just so he could watch drama more easily. 

“Why are you just talking about me! I’m so stealthy.” Naruto yelped out so loudly he might have broken several sound barriers.  

“I think you just answered your own question. Now let’s go before you explode anymore eardrums.” Kakashi deadpanned back. 

Sasuke was so tired he couldn’t really focus on the mission. Turns out he was cheating with a high up political figure from another nation and if this got out it could cause a huge war or something. It didn’t seem that important. Sasuke had better things to do at home. And they weren’t drawing fanart or writing self insert fanfiction of the stupid book series Kakashi gave him, because all those books were stupid. 

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆟 𓆝 

“You understand my pain because you have been through so much yourself ...I was wrong about Bella, you're so much better than that prep in every way and much prettier too! Edward looked up at him with his blue orbs like limpid tears.” 

…Wait Edward didn’t have blue eyes. Sasuke can’t believe he made that mistake. Blue eyes were so ugly there's no way Sasuke would ever like anyone with blue eyes. It didn’t matter to his  writing though, his pain and very deep thoughts were being expressed beautifully. His main character Onyx Sha’dow Demented Grackle Way was very damaged and tragic and deserved to be with Edward way more than that prep Bella. Much like Sasuke he had black eyes, because the vampires had black eyes when they thirsted for human blood, and Onyx always craved the blood of the innocent. It was going to be a masterpiece when it was done, but that was enough writing for today. He had something more important to do. 

Sasuke had decided that being a vampire would be extremely useful for his goals. He wanted to be stronger and they were faster than any human and practically invincible. Sure there was that whole human blood thing, but the Cullens didn’t drink human blood so surely he wouldn’t either.

Anyway since Sasuke couldn’t actually find a vampire to bite him he would just have to dress like one and make himself shine like one. He also briefly considered gold contacts but then decided his black eyes represented his consuming hunger for power and pain. 

Sasuke wasn’t sure how to make body paint. So he did the only logical thing: he went to the makeup store and bought an obscene amount of glitter eye shadow. If it could paint his eyes there was no reason it couldn’t paint his body. 

Sasuke heard a knock on his door a few minutes into his glitter endeavor. Shit he didn’t want anyone to see him with only half his vampire skin on. 

“Hey Sasuke I came to bring you something to help you sleep.” Sakura’s overly chipper fake voice echoed into his apartment. "...Why is everything covered in glitter?”

“Nothings covered in glitter.” Sasuke felt like a kid getting caught destroying his parents' favorite vase.  

“No literally everythi–I mean…I guess not then.” Sasuke hated Sakura’s fake nice persona she always put up around him, but right now it was his saving grace. “I’m just gonna leave this here. See you tomorrow at training Sasuke!” 

Tch. The vampire did not concern himself with things like sleep, they were a creature of the night.

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆟 𓆝 

Sasuke’s body was heavier than lead and he was starting to wonder if becoming a chunin was worth all this trouble. Yes he wanted to get stronger to avenge his clan. But Edward Cullen had also tried to live a life of revenge against those he deemed as wrong and all that did was destroy his soul. Also Sasuke’s writing career was really starting to take shape. He had made Edward more fox-like and goofy, but just to explore the dichotomy between him and Onyx not because he was thinking of Naruto while writing. But no he can’t continue his masterpiece, he has to be in the ‘forest of death’ with his annoying teammates, fighting beasts and ninjas. Ughh why was life so unfair to him this was like the worst thing that ever happened to him besides his entire extended family being brutally murdered by his own then beloved brother. 

His body felt like it might give out at any second. That Orchimaru guy had bitten him and since then his body had felt like it was just going to decay beneath him…Wait he had bitten him with fangs. Wait, is this it? Was he finally going to become a vampire like he had dreamed? He felt like he was dying but of course he did. He had to die before becoming a vampire. Sasuke happily let himself give into his exhaustion. He hoped Sakura wouldn’t freak out too much over his death while watching them. He found her annoying, but he didn’t want to traumatize the poor girl. But even if she did freak out, she’d get over it as soon as she saw his awesome and powerful vampire form. Naruto is going to be so jealous that Sasuke is the vampire and not him. Sasuke spends his last few seconds of consciousness fantasizing about his new vampire life. 

Sasuke quickly fell into ominous dreams. All of them involved his brother killing his clan and then egging him on to go and get more powerful. Sasuke wondered if becoming a vampire would finally make him strong enough to beat his brother. He would never go with that Orchimaru person that turned him, that guy was obviously one of the evil vampires the Cullens fought against. Should Sasuke start his own vampire coven? Who would even join it? Naruto, Sakura and Kakashi for sure. Not that he was attached to them or anything. It's just he had gotten used to them and it would be better dealing with them than a new person. Still he heard his brother's taunting voice ringing in the background of every new dream. 

When Sasuke finally snapped back awake the unconscious bodies of a team were littered around him, with Sakura cowering just in front of him. He didn’t recognize the team but they looked as if they were from the sound village. Sasuke could feel a new power lurking just beneath the surface but it wasn’t like he had expected. His senses hadn’t sharpened, his body didn’t feel made of rock, and most telling of all blood was everywhere and he didn’t even feel the smallest urge to drink it. That weird snake guy just bit him for no reason! Well maybe some reason because he definitely did do something to Sasuke, but not enough to justify biting someone. How dare he get Sasuke’s hopes up about something like this! Sasuke would resent this guy for all eternity. After he killed his brother he would kill Orchimaru for this. Nothing could stop him from that. If he was the dramatic type Sasuke would fling himself on the ground and declare it but he had too much self respect for that, currently. 

But he would not rest until Orchimaru faced justice for his vampire crimes. 

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆟 𓆝 

(Epilogue)

Sasuke woke up in the middle of the night with his head in his hands to a harsh poking in his ribs.

“Sasuke..Sasuke.” Sakura whispered into his ear.

“What…it’s like three am Sakura.” Sasuke groaned. 

“Rember that time you painted yourself with glitter eyeshadow when you were twelve to look like Edward Cullen?” 

“Did you wake me up just to remind me of that?” Sasuke could barely manage the energy to be embarrassed.

“No. It just felt like a good ice breaker.” Sakura whispered back.

“An ice breaker to what?”

“Ok…So this relationship is terrible for both of us. I thought I loved you but like I think I’m a lesbian and you’re only with me because you're expected to be.” Sakura said very matter of factly. 

“Ya that’s fair. But you couldn’t wait till a reasonable hour to bring this up?” Sasuke couldn’t bring himself to be sad. Their relationship was extremely awkward and forced on both ends. 

“No. Because I realized I was in love with Ino and never loved you in that way like five minutes ago.” 

“Well shit. Ya see I knew I was gay since I was like ten.” 

“You knew you were gay since ten and still got into a relationship with me?” Sakura sounded too offended for a woman that admitted to being a gay woman forcing herself to be in a straight relationship not ten seconds ago.

“Ya like you said: I felt like I had to get with you and carry on my clan's blood line.”

“Y’know what, whatever. It’s fine, at least we can agree this was awful from all angles.” Sakura went to get out of bed. She would probably be moved out by tomorrow. Knowing how scary her determination could be. 

“Yep good luck with Ino, I think you’d be good for each other." Sasuke didn’t really know what to say.  

“And good luck with Naruto. You too idiots should have gotten together long ago.” Sakura laughed back.

“What…I am not in love with Naruto.” Sasuke sputtered back in shock.

“Ya you are. Why else would you make Edward Cullen look and act like him in your weird Edward Cullen x Reader fic.” 

“That was not on purpose…wait you read that?”

“Ya I did and what kind of a name is Onyx Sha’dow Demented Grackle Way? Like seriously?”

“Shut up I was literally twelve when I wrote that.”  

“Anyway, it’s what spent me spiraling originally. Because like duh you're in love with Naruto it’s so obvious it’s not even funny.” She sounded so sure. Sasuke thought back to every interaction. Every longing glance and obsessive thought. The fact that he thought of their accidental kiss before almost dying several times. His stupid blue eyes that Sasuke could probably paint from memory. 

“Wait, am I in love with Naruto.” Sasuke sat up right in bed. 

“Ya dumbass.”

“Oh my god I’m in love with Naruto.” 

Chapter Text

"Oh my god I’m in love with Naruto.”

“Glad you figured it out bud.” Sakura patted Sasuke's head.

“Oh my god what am I going to do?” Sasuke rocked back and forth.

“Go back to sleep and deal with this in the morning?” Sakura shrugged. “

"Not helpful and also, you're the one that woke me up.”

“Ya go back to bed now. We’ll deal with all this confessional bullshit tomorrow.” Sakura rolled back over. Sasuke wondered if this was some sort of psychological warfare. Sakura’s elaborate revenge for him being such a shitty boyfriend. Honestly he probably deserved it.

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆟 𓆝

“I’m going to kill Naruto.” Sasuke declared boldly.

“Not this again.” Sakura mumbled. “Can’t you just avoid him like a normal person.”

Sakura was just trying to move out her things. But all conversations with Sasuke lead to Naruto. Of course this is how this would go; she was naive to even consider it wouldn’t.

“He’d find me.”

“Fair.” Sakura wasn’t really interested in arguing with Sasuke. Those freaks truly deserved each other.

“Of course it’s fair. When have I ever done something that wasn’t a hundred percent logical.”

“Would you like an itemized list?”

Before Sakura could say anything else, she was interrupted by the sound of wood loudly smashing. They both quickly turned to find the door swaying limply on its hinges just barely staying attached to the wall. Sasuke was going to be pissed about that. Ino stood on the other side of the door. Her pale face was flushed as if she had sprinted her way there. She knelt forward catching her breath for a moment before opening her mouth to speak.

“Guys Hinata and Naruto are getting married.” Sakura dropped the box she was holding and turned to look at her girlfriend. Her eyes wide with shock

“Since when” Sakura sputtered out. Sasuke hadn’t moved since Ino had first spoken. Not even to complain about the door thing.

“Since like today, I don’t know.” Ino flapped her hands in frustration.

“I went to tell you two right after I heard. Y'know because of.” Ino gestured vaguely towards Sasuke.

“Well shit.” Sakura didn’t have much faith in Sasuke’s ability to maturely process emotions but even he would have thought twice before marrying Sakura. Probably. Ok maybe not but whatever.

“Are you ok Sasuke?”

“Ya I‘m great. That’s great for Naruto. I'll congratulate him when I see him next.” Sasuke gritted out.

“Are you sure?”

“Positive.”

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆟 𓆝

Sasuke was having a really shitty day. His girlfriend was leaving him for a hot blonde and the hot blonde he wanted to date was getting married. Sasuke had never really liked Jacob when he read Twilight but he was sympathizing with him a whole lot more now. Hopefully he wouldn’t discover a hidden Uchiha soulmate bonding ritual if Naruto and Hinata have a baby. Sasuke might just kill himself if he had to fall in love with Naruto’s weird demon baby. God Sasuke hadn’t thought about those strange books Kakashi gave him in ages. Sakura had only just reminded him about them yesterday. He wishes he could permanently forget about the time he tried to paint himself with glitter to be a vampire. Or the fact that the only reason he didn’t go with Orchimaru was because he was mad about them not turning him into a vampire. Or that Edward Cullen was his gay awakening. Honestly those books might have just been a curse that would now haunt him for the rest of his days.

Sasuke sighed as he finally reached his room and practically fell through the door. Unfortunately, he couldn't let the floor consume him though as there was something extremely unusual on his desk. Goddamn it why couldn’t life let him one normal day. Honestly though it wasn’t really a thing as it kept disappearing before it could truly materialize. It seemed vaguely box shaped but that was the most information Sasuke could garner about it before it would disappear again. Like it wasn’t stable enough to exist for too long. Though it appeared to be staying stable for longer and longer. Sasuke should probably be a bit more weary of whatever that was but he truly could not care less. Sasuke had dealt with so much weird shit that the magical teleporting box didn’t even make it in the top one hundred. The box gave one final big glitch before fully collapsing into existence. The box held two books and the box itself looked suspiciously similar to the box that those Twilight books came in. Though this box had a note on top of it. ‘Saw you enjoyed the last one side bangs! Here’s the next book! Remember reality is an illusion, the universe is a hologram, buy gold byeeeeee!!!!!!’ The note was signed with an eye inside of a a triangle…’well that’s weird’ Sasuke thought to himself before moving onto the much more important matter of the books.

The books were in fact retellings to the books he had enjoyed so much as a child. Maybe on a better day Sasuke would declare he was much too grown for these books…but today was not a better day. Sasuke needed this for his own sake. For his sanity! Besides he probably wouldn’t even enjoy these books anymore he probably would just get a good laugh out of them….. Sasuke read both books in one sitting and then reread the entire original series. He hadn’t slept in over forty hours and was starting to lose his grip on reality. Or perhaps he was becoming enlightened and seeing beyond reality. Reality is an illusion! That slightly ominous note was right! These books had restored Sasuke's faith in romance. Though somewhat depressingly Sasuke had found himself more attracted to Charlie Swan than Edward now, a brutal reminder that he was no longer a teenager. Whatever, after finishing all of them Sasuke had done nothing but stare at the wall and hallucinate a brilliant plan. A plan befitting his new rekindle belief in love! Edward would be proud! Charlie wouldn’t but whatever he just needed to get a little help to make it perfect.

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆟 𓆝

“So I’ve brought you both in for a very important reason.” Sasuke started.

“What are we going to start like a secret gay ninja group? Where we like turn people gay by putting chemicals in the water?” Sasuke would like to think Ino was joking but she has a dead serious look in her icy blue eyes.

“No? I mean a statistically unlikely number of Konoha is alread–Never mind.” Sasuke could not afford to get distracted. “No, we are going to break Hinata and Naruto

“Is that really a good idea?” Sakura questioned softly

“Hell ya lets do it!” Ino quickly shouted over her. “I’ve been waiting for an excuse to break up more awful straight relationships.”

“Ino we talked about this. You can’t just breakup every straight couple you see.” Sakura whispered to her girlfriend.

“Hey, I've never tried to break up Shikamaru and Temari. I'm a straight ally.”

“Shikamaru and Temari don’t count. Their extreme bi for bi energy practically make them a gay couple.”

“I don’t particularly dislike straight couples, I just like drama. Plus it worked out for you and Sasuke didn’t it?” Ino playfully kissed her girlfriend.

“Can we get back on topic?” Sasuke grumbled. Ya he was happy Sakura was finally with someone she actually loved and not just someone she thought she did. But like this was about him not her.

“Yep.” Ino’s face turned into a manic grin. “We can break them up easily. We just need a good plan.”

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆟 𓆝

Ino’s first plan did not go well. The plan was incredibly simple: Sakura and Ino would invite Hinata to a girl’s night out and convince her to dump Naruto. Sasuke had faith in both girls' trash talking abilities. Sasuke had really hoped this would work. He didn’t want to be pushed to the point of having to throw himself into danger just to hallucinate Naruto. Though that’s probably one of the least concerning thing Naruto and him probably would do and have done to be together. Apparently Hinata had thought Sakura was trying to break them up to date Naruto herself. She stormed off before Sakura could even get halfway through her planned talking points.

Plan B was Sasuke's least favorite. Though both girls were convinced that it was full proof. It demanded Sasuke to seduce Naruto which would in turn convince him to leave his Hinata for Sasuke. This went worse than the first plan. Despite Sasuke’s ‘experience dressing as a gay whore’ (thanks, Ino) he just couldn’t pull it off when it was intentional. Apparently he had ‘less sex appeal than half decayed rat carcass’ (thanks again Ino) . He kinda just stood completely still dressed in a slutty outfit staring menacingly at the local bug life. Naruto eventually gave him an awkward wave before presumably going to do something. Probably his new awesome girlfriend (Ugh fiancee) that’s never committed any war crimes. Sasuke hasn’t even committed that many war crimes. I mean he could have gone with Orchimaru that one time and he didn’t?

Plan C was just like Plan A but this time it was him and Naruto instead of the girls and Hinata. Sasuke started out gently asking how Naruto knew he was ready to get married. This dissolved very quickly with Naruto claiming Sasuke was just jealous that Naruto had beaten him in something. Then it was about how Hinata would be sad if they didn’t get married and it was wrong to purposely make someone sad. And then honestly Sasuke tuned him out after a while, Neji was also a factor somehow…Kurama liked talking to her about classical literature? Sasuke honestly didn’t know. Safe to say it was another fail.

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆟 𓆝

“Guys this isn’t working.” Ino grumbled. Throwing her head dramatically back.

“Of course it isn’t working, these plans are too normal.” Sakura patted Ino’s back.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Sasuke raised an eyebrow at Sakura. “I just mean that you and Naruto are both freaks and these plans really don’t take that into account.” “We are not freaks…Ok maybe Naruto is one but I’m completely well adjusted and normal.”

“Sasuke, your only reason for not betraying the entire village for obviously evil snake man was that he didn’t turn you into a vampire.”

“I was literally twelve. You both thought you were straight when you were twelve.” Sasuke shot back.

“Fair point.” Sakura sighed looking like she was about to give in before an evil grin broke out on her face. “Well at least I didn’t write horny vampire fanfiction. And unintentionally made it about my gay crush.”

”You did what!?” Ino shrieked out with a bit too much delight in her voice.

“Ya and do you want to know what he named his main character” Sakura snickered out. She was really reliving her middle school bully days.

"Oh my god what?” Ino giggled back.

"He named him Oynx—

“Ok! That enough.” Sasuke finally interpreted her. Sasuke pushed his face into his hands trying to hide his blush. “Let’s reconvene tomorrow.”

"You can go Sakura here is going to tell me everything!” Ino gave him an evil grin. He’s starting to think he might not be the only war criminal here.

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆟 𓆝

Sasuke tried in vain not to think about Naruto his entire walk home. He had found it silly when Bella had done nothing but sit and stare out of a window for months after Edward had left her. He was ashamed to admit, he sympathized with her much more now. Sasuke wished he had been honest with himself from the very beginning. Sure Naruto was an obnoxious dumbass but it was better to be the guy dating said obnoxious dumbass than the one painfully pining for them. But Sasuke was no Jacob and Hinata was no Edward. This love triangle was far from lost. Sasuke refused to let the love of his life marry someone he had lukewarm feelings for. If not for his sake then Hinata’s. Because no one deserved to be married to someone that was passionate about everything but them. Sasuke also refused to fall in love with a baby.

Sasuke sighed as he finally collapsed into his apartment. Sasuke didn’t even remember walking home his thoughts had been so occupied by a certain blonde his body had gone on autopilot. He wanted nothing more than to lay on the floor and die. What he needed was good old fashioned escapism. Was reading the same four books (well six books now) he was obsessed with as a child over and over again unhealthy? Probably but he couldn’t bring himself to really care. He groaned his way to his when bookshelf. Though because the universe hates him specifically his well worn books weren’t there, instead was a note that simply read: 'Wanted to see what you were so obsessed with!!! I’ll give them back to you when I’m finished reading. -Sakura :)' Goddamn it. Now Sasuke couldn’t even avoid his problems by reading a slightly terrible vampire romance book. Why did life have it out for him specifically! Sasuke was going to murder Sakura when he saw her again. How did she even get here before him? Wasn’t she still at the restaurant gossiping about his horrible Twilight fanfiction? Wait his fanfiction…

Sasuke turned his attention to the old box he kept next to his books. The box he hid his fanfiction in it…It was wide open. Shit. There was a note carefully left at the bottom. Sasuke quickly grabbed the note. 'I was sick of watching you fail to get your act together with Naruto. I will be taking this to him. It’s for your own good. Sorry not sorry ~Ino'

That traitorous bitch. Didn’t she know what a violation of his privacy this was. He should have burned that fanfiction a long time ago. Even if Naruto didn’t immediately pick up Sasuke’s angsty twelve year old feelings for him, he would still know that Sasuke was obsessed with a fictional vampire. That’s almost worse…no it was worse. Sasuke could picture him getting over Sasuke’s romantic feelings for him but the vampire thing? He’ll be bringing it up until death finally snags their souls.

Sasuke paced on the floor for half an hour trying to calm his nerves. He was still incredibly pissed at Ino. He still wanted to kill himself at the prospect of Naruto reading it. But he didn’t feel like he was going to throw up anymore which was an improvement. Sasuke’s entire body tensed up suddenly as he heard a knock on his door. The feeling of wanting to vomit was back and stronger than ever. Sasuke dragged his feet over to the door and opened it to find the person he loved most in the world and the person he wanted to see the least. Naruto awkwardly fidgeted in his doorway. He gave a halfhearted sheepish smile to Sasuke.

“Why are yo–

“So Hinata and I broke off our engagement.” Naruto quickly spat out.

“What?!” Sasuke practically had to pick his jaw off the ground. Hadn’t he spent all of last week humiliating himself by trying to do that. He didn’t even get to dramatically interpret them at the altar. This all felt extremely anti-climatic. “That is no way to start a conversation are you insane! What happened to hello? How are you perhaps?”

“Ah we’re to close for that shit anyway. But ya Hinata totally dumped my ass.” Naruto rubbed the back of his head sheepishly.

“She what?!”

“Broke up with me, that’s what I just said like a second ago, are your ears broken dumbass?”

“Ya I heard you. But I thought you meant it in like a mutual way. I just never thought that girl would have that kind of guts. Can I ask why?”

“She said it was because she realized I’d never love her and was just using her as a replacement for someone.” Naruto mumbled out. “Which I thought was bullshit but…” Sakura’s going to pissed that her two-hour slideshow wasn’t what triggered that realization.

“But, what?”

“Ino gave me that amazing novel you wrote.” Naruto grabbed Sasuke’s hands “And I realized that Onyx and Edward represented us and our struggles. And maybe Hinata read it too and realized we loved each other but that’s besides the point”

Wow if Sasuke had a nickel for every time someone’s girlfriend broke up with them after reading his fic because it made them realizes that their boyfriend was gay and in love with his best friend. He’d have two nickels which isn’t a lot but it’s weird it happened twice.

“Wait, that crappy fanfiction I wrote when I was twelve made you realize I was in love with you.” Sasuke owed Ino an apology; she was clearly a genius. Shikamaru’s lucky that she hasn’t made her intelligence known to the whole village and forever trump him as the smartest person around.

“It was the best piece of literature I have ever read. Don’t call it crappy.” Naruto declared with the same passion he gave speeches to men that wanted to destroy the universe. “When Onyx flipped those preps off, I felt so seen by him as a fellow loner. Also, I thought it was cute how much you loved my eyes. I like yours a lot too.”

“Please don’t remind me of how much I wrote about hating “preps” in that” Sasuke sighed. “I think I was mad at Sakura while writing that for whatever reason.”

"Ya that part where you go on a two-page rant about how much you hate pink hair felt kinda out of place.” Naruto elbowed him in the ribs.

“So do like you want to date?” Sasuke awkwardly blurted out. This was about the least romantic way a confession could have gone down. It was uniquely them though.

“Ya that would be cool!”

“Nice.” Sasuke gave him an akward thumbs up before Naruto grabbed the sides of his face and pulled him into a deep kiss. Sasuke should remember to send Ino a fruit basket.

(Epilogue Two: Electric Boogaloo)

“What’s this?” Sasuke lifted up a manuscript he found on Naruto’s desk. Naruto had to be held at gun point just to do his paper work Sasuke couldn’t imagine him writing an entire manuscript.

“Oh Jiraiya said that I should continue with his style of novels when he died. So, I wrote this new book based on those weird vampire books you like!” Naruto replied cheerfully.

“Wait, those smutty books that Kakashi liked to read? Icha Icha…something right? How did you turn a YA vampire romance book into that?”

“Oh I don’t know you should read them to find out. Give me feedback if you do since you did write that awesome novel.” Sasuke never did convince him that his shitty fanfic wasn’t a masterpiece. Sasuke was honestly a little scared to read Naruto’s work if that’s what he considered high art. But nevertheless he scanned the first page and in big black letters it proclaimed the title proudly:

Fifty Shades Of Grey.

The End.