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Chapter Text

To say that Seoul is a fast-paced city would be an understatement. People here are constantly in a rush, chasing something and working tirelessly to prove themselves. This busy city lures you in with its beauty and vibrancy, only to leave you feeling torn and exhausted as the perfect fantasy fails to match the reality it is built on.

Till believed he had figured Seoul out pretty quickly. When his parents got him his first big role after a number of successful commercials, they decided to move to the capital. Even as a nine-year-old, he knew that everyone here shared one desire – all of the people wanted to show what they were capable of. It was never limited to the show business – his classmates studied like crazy to not let the chance of successful future slip away, his parents always talked about high pressure at their workplaces and the elders he knew from across the street constantly complained about not being able to retire yet due to financial difficulties.

It is only natural that some people end up being broken by this fast-paced society. Some people leave it for good, some get swallowed by its’ darkness, exhausted from the constant competition, and only a few fight back and succeed eventually.  Till always thought that it would’ve been better if they had just left.

Of course, his first big role was a success. It seemed that the nation had found their new favorite, every journalist at that time praised Till for his incredible skills and ‘enchanting green eyes’. He had re-read a lot of articles about his first film later, when he got older, and always ended up tearing up. In the end of the day, even such a sensation couldn’t guarantee anything to anyone if the choices are destined to be wrong.

Till’s parents failed to choose what was right. They tried to rush his success, making contacts with wrong people. The agency that he was under wasn’t the smartest one, too, and Till’s next project failed because they tried to replicate his first success, not coming up with anything new. There were some positive comments about his second movie, but all of the articles about it shared the theme – Till was ultimately dubbed as ‘one-time success’ and ‘actor of one role’.

That’s when his parents’ relationship turned sour. They both blamed each other for the failure, fighting over the lawsuits Till’s agency came with and refusing to face the truth. Caught in the middle, there was only one thing that Till wanted – to disappear.

Till knew none of them were cut out for the pressure of Seoul. All it ever brought to their family was stress and constant arguments, and he hated himself for ever wanting to become a star. His parents, who were already struggling to make ends meet, just wanted to kill two birds with one stone, and Till was the one who suggested that option because of his childish and stupid dreams.

His father fell first – always being the short-tempered and impulsive man, he ended up searching for solace in the wrong places. Till was grateful his mom managed to find some courage within herself to separate, but he knew that their happiness was forever lost.

After his parents got a divorce, Till rarely talked to his father. All he knew about the man was that he had started a new family, never being able to fully get back to normal because of his addictions. And it was enough – there was no reason for them to talk anyway.

His mother worked more than ever after they separated. Despite clearly being depressed, she never stopped caring about Till, which eventually made him feel very guilty. Although he knew that it was impossible to predict that things will turn out this way for them, Till never stopped blaming himself for their divorce.

That’s why he started thinking of ways to help his mother. Studying was off-limits – Till wasn’t the brightest child, and to enroll into any of the top universities not only do you have to be incredibly smart, but also rich enough to pay for tuition. So, he decided to work at the nearest convenience store, taking night shifts and saving up for a photoshoot.

And after that, Till started modeling.

Maybe, he never fully let go of his dream of becoming a star. Or, maybe, Till always thought there was nothing more to him than a pretty face. After all, it was only his big eyes and wide smile that got him into his first commercial, which led to the short-lived success.

That’s how he found himself looking for an agency when he was sixteen. It was hard – every place he sent his portfolio to turned him down. Till was already about to give up and started thinking about taking more shifts at the store, skipping school, when one agency accepted him.

The agency that wanted him was a small, but relatively known in Korean fashion world. It was a perfect place to start – there were no insane contracts, unlike when Till tried acting, mild pressure to meet the standards and, the most important part of it, fixed salary. Within a couple of months, he managed to earn enough to pay off the first part of the debt they still had.

By the time Till turned twenty-one, he was on top of the industry again. The articles about him flooded the Internet, everyone impressed with his comeback. These journalists could never get enough of him, constantly trying to dig up something on him, to figure out why he stopped acting and to expose him.

That’s why Hyuna, who was both Till’s closest friend and manager, had to work overtime. They met when Till was only starting his modeling career and Hyuna worked in the agency that had initially signed him. She was a failed trainee – despite being in her former company for over five years, the CEO constantly refused to debut her. Not willing to wait any longer, Hyuna left the idol world and never looked back. Although it was hard, she found herself a place in the fashion industry, working with a lot of people as their manager.

Despite her vast experience, she always scolded Till for being her ‘most troublesome client.’ Even now, when they were sitting in his spacious living room, Hyuna couldn’t stop pacing and mumbling something about today’s photoshoot.

‘You overestimate me, Till.’ Hyuna said, tone getting more serious. ‘I may be able to put up with your attitude, but others are not. They will complain. They will tell the press, and the press will buy it, blowing it out of proportion.’

‘You know, people say that bad publicity is still publicity.’ Till just shrugged. ‘Let it be. It’s not like people don’t hate me already. A couple of new bad articles about me won’t change anything.’

Truth to be told, Till didn’t think he did anything wrong. It’s just that the photographer he worked with today was way too invasive. Maybe, swearing at him and refusing to work further was too much, but it was just a payback. This fucker didn’t have to bring his family up, but he decided to be unprofessional first. It was only a matter of pride for Till to call this ‘renowned’ photographer out and storm out of the studio.

‘Till, this guy has worked with really successful people. He has connections. If he ever decides to speak up, you will never be able to work in this industry.’ Hyuna warned, finally sitting on the sofa next to Till. ‘I know he was rude, but you still have to consider how this world works…’

‘So what if he knows people? I know people too.’ He cut his manager off, upset with her words. ‘Hyuna, I know you are just being protective of me, but don’t forget – I will always find a way to come back, no matter the scandal. I’ve done something that only a few other people were able to achieve – I reinvented myself. Whatever this asshole will try, I’ll turn the situation around again in my favor.’

Hyuna looked at him, doubt written all over her face. She knew – Till had to say all of this to make himself believe that it was possible. And she couldn’t even argue – it wasn’t that easy to name anyone besides Till who had managed to come back to the world of fame and turn the tide in their favor.

But as his closest friend Hyuna could tell – he was the person who hated himself the most. She knew Till didn’t want to talk about his trauma and used his attitude to hide his own insecurities, but sometimes she hated how stubborn Till was. In the end of the day, no matter what people said, Till will push forward, no matter the cost.

‘I’m sorry, maybe I’m overreacting… I believe in you, Till, don’t get me wrong.’ Hyuna leaned back, hiding her face in her hands. ‘I’m just… tired.’

‘Is he acting up again?’ Till asked, looking at her. ‘You know, I could talk to him again, like a man to man.’

‘No, you already have enough on your plate without our problems. Luka and I will figure out it, just like we always do.’ Hyuna sat up, looking at Till again. ‘Just… don’t tell Hyunwoo about that.’

Till looked away, sighing loudly and thinking if it’s fine that Hyuna’s little brother still doesn’t know the details of her relationship with Luka, an active soloist and ‘National Treasure’.

Him and Hyuna have been in a relationship for years now, but there wasn’t any other word to describe their relationship besides ‘turbulent’. Till never liked to pry into their private business much, thinking that these two will be able to figure it out eventually, but the more time went on, the more he doubted it. Both of them had really hectic jobs and Luka had obvious mental health issues, so Hyuna often suffered the consequences of it all.

Till felt bad – he knew Hyuna had her own stuff going on, but he still made her worry about his reputation with his attitude and harsh words. But if he didn’t act like this, if he didn’t force himself to believe in this act, all of this might come crushing down again.

Till couldn’t afford that. Not after his mom was finally able to rest, when they just had managed to pay off their last part of the debt. It was only recently that Till saw her smile genuinely again, and all of this wouldn’t be possible if he didn’t put up the act.

Both of them kept silent, thinking about their own worries, when Hyuna’s phone started ringing. She picked up quickly, not checking what the number was.

‘Hello? Ah, yes, I’m Till’s manager, Hyuna.’ Till couldn’t hear what the person on the other end was saying, but judging by his friend’s face, it was something impressive. ‘Yes? Is it finalized? Sure, I’ll tell him immediately!’

When Hyuna hung up, she turned to face Till.

‘We are going to London!’ She exclaimed, pulling him in a quick hug. ‘Till, we made it!’

‘What? You mean…’

‘You’ll be able to partake in London Fashion Week!’ Hyuna pulled away a bit, excited. ‘The agent just called me, they’ve handled all of the technicalities!’

London Fashion Week was a part of so-called ‘Big Four’. Along with Paris, Milan and New York, the capital of Great Britain served as a harbor for high fashion twice a year, having incredibly famous and rich designers as well as some aspiring younger talents showcase their newest collections.

‘You have to be kidding…’

Till refused to believe in what he had just heard, still struggling to comprehend everything, when he realized that they were already in the beginning of February and the London Fashion Week often started closer to the end of it.

‘Wait, doesn’t it start in two weeks?!’

‘Yeah! The documents took longer than they expected, but since we don’t have to bother with visa or anything of that sort, there’s nothing to worry about!’

‘There is a lot to worry about, Hyuna!’ Till jumped, copying Hyuna’s prior actions as he started to pace through the room and mumbled something under his breath.

‘Well, besides for that rude photographer, I don’t see any reasons to overthink it.’ His manager calmly said, following his movements with her intent gaze.

‘Of course there are reasons! It’s my first time doing something big like this, how am I supposed to keep calm?’

‘Where did all of your attitude go?’ Hyuna chuckled, looking away and getting more comfortable on the sofa. ‘Five minutes ago, you were boasting about your achievements, but now your confidence is being threatened?’

Till stopped in front of the glass door of his big wardrobe. He had several of them, actually – one little cupboard in the bedroom, one in his cabinet for good measure and a big closet here, in the living room. Here he stored his most prized possessions – a pair of baggy jeans he bought with his first real paycheck, a couple of gifts from famous designers and some really expensive suits which he didn’t even want to think about, Hyuna just forced him to buy a couple of them for the most important events.

He looked at his reflection – he was wearing a really old T-shirt his mom bought ages ago. Till remembered how his mom gifted it to him one day after she got a bonus at one of her jobs. Although he always found the kitten printed on it to be corny, he refused to throw it away, using it as his leisurewear. His shorts didn’t have that much of a history, Till just remembered that he had also bought them a long time ago.

His silhouette was nice, still boyish and a bit scrawny. Till always thought that he got extremely lucky – he was naturally slim, not gaining much weight no matter how much he ate. Even thinking about strict diets annoyed him – he was already giving too much to this industry, he is not exchanging his meals for success, no matter how desperately he needs it. But now… Till regretted not trying anything out. Perhaps a well-thought diet could’ve helped him get into a better shape so that representatives of bigger brands could notice him.

‘If I knew earlier, I would’ve hired a coach or something… My body is not in the best shape.’ Till sighed, still staring at the cat print on the T-shirt.

‘Are you kidding me?’ Hyuna grumbled, refusing to stand up. ‘You look awesome, Till. Whenever you doubt it, you can go on the Internet and see how many girls are thirsting over you. Spare me from this.’

Hyuna was right – Till had a lot of fans. He was not really keen on social media, but every time he uploaded a pic anywhere, the Internet would go crazy. His fans would start trending hashtags and make edits with him, which was flattering, but Till still felt awkward about it. After all, not all users on the Internet had subscribed to this type of content, and sometimes he couldn’t help but think how all of it looked like to people who were not a part of stan culture.

‘Well, guess I’ll have to google myself tonight to feel better after this weird day.’ He joked and went to the kitchen to quickly grab two cans of beer. Coming back, he sat next to Hyuna again, giving her one of the cans.

‘Thanks, I needed that.’ She said, taking a drink and quickly opening the can. ‘Come on, Till. You have to think of it as an opportunity to prove everyone wrong. Even this asshole from today – imagine how mad he will be when he’ll see you there and realize that he lost his one and only chance to work with you?’

‘What would I do without you, my hypewoman?’ Till chuckled, beer helping him to finally relax.

‘Don’t ever call me that again, or you’ll be left on your own to deal with all the weirdos in the industry.’ Hyuna strictly warned him, but the wide smile on her face ruined the seriousness of the moment.

‘Ok-ok, I’ll work on my attitude.’ He laughed, looking away. ‘Do you know who will be there? In London, I mean.’

‘Oh, the usual big houses and a few new names, if I’m not mistaken.’ Hyuna put her can aside to fish out her phone out of the pocket, ready to check.

‘No, I mean… Are there any big models I need to be aware of?’ Till clarified, thinking about all of the colleagues people on the Internet thought he had beef with. In reality, there were only a couple of people who hated Till, but the feeling wasn’t mutual. Still, he would rather avoid crossing paths with some of the people he had worked with as his introverted personality couldn’t match these other models’ energy.

‘Well, none of those you had ever worked with before… I know Sua is presenting her new collection there, so maybe her agent will ask Ivan to walk there?’

Till remembered working with Sua. Her fashion brand, ‘CLEMATIS’, was on the rise when she reached out to Till’s agent with a proposal for collaboration. At that time, her brand was known only for her women’s collections, and Sua really wanted to change that. Till remembers that she stated that only Till would be able to pull off what she came up with.

And he did pull it off. Two years ago, he helped to present her first men collection at Seoul Fashion Week. He presented an extravagant green suit, flower embroideries decorating the blazer’s collar, the hems of the pant legs following the pattern. When Till first saw it, he doubted whether he could do it justice, but even to this day his fans kept bringing this look up, claiming that nobody could’ve worn it better than him.

However, Till was completely unaware of Sua having such connections.

‘Ivan? You mean the face of Alexander McQueen?’ Till asked, surprised to hear such a famous name. ‘They know each other?’

Till had heard about Ivan. It was actually impossible to not know about the guy – Ivan was the most famous male model in recent years. Being a face of a high-profile fashion house, any event that this guy attended would receive crazy attention. Although, truth to be told, Till didn’t get the hype around him – Ivan was, indeed, incredibly handsome, it wasn’t up for a debate, but there were many other male models who seemed to be way more interesting than him.

Yet, everyone wanted Ivan. And Till… he felt some sense of competition stirring inside of his chest when he thought about that man.

‘Yeah, they had worked together before. Besides, he is the face of Alexander McQueen, he has to be there.’ Hyuna shrugged, unlocking her phone to finally search up someone else. ‘As for the others… No idea, you know I don’t follow any male models that closely since you take all of my time.’

‘Rude, but understandable.’ Till looked at the can of beer in his hand, thoughts racing. ‘If you think that Ivan will be there, how many other big models can attend…’

‘And here you are, overthinking again! It’s just an assumption.’ Hyuna reminded him, putting the phone away and turning to face him. ‘So what if there are famous people there? You will soon be on the same level, if not higher than them!’

Till smiled at her, liking the sound of her words. Maybe, he should allow himself to dream bigger. After all, he wasn’t planning on stopping any time soon, so there is only one option for him.

Success.

Chapter Text

These two weeks before London Fashion Week were insanely busy. Till was already used to having his schedule packed to the brim, but after it was confirmed that he’ll be flying abroad, Hyuna had to rearrange some things and squeeze in a couple of more events. That is exactly why how Till ended up running around various studios to get everything done, photoshoot after photoshoot, meeting after meeting.

‘Hyuna, do I have anything tomorrow?’ Till sluggishly asked his manager, sinking into the soft chair in front of the vanity table.

Today’s shoot was finally done and the makeup artist was quietly wiping off his makeup.  This was secretly Till’s favorite part of every shooting – at that moment he could finally just close his eyes and relax a bit, enjoying how freeing this process felt.

‘No, this was your last photoshoot before the Fashion Week.’ Hyuna promptly answered. She sat on a bench in the corner, looking for something on her phone. ‘You have plans for tomorrow?’

‘I want to visit my mom.’ Till answered, finally opening his eyes as the makeup artist announced that she was done. After quickly thanking her and bidding goodbyes, he continued talking to Hyuna. ‘It’s been a while since I’ve last seen her.’

‘Oh, right! Have you already told her about London?’ Hyuna looked up at him, expression softening at the mention of his mother.

Till suddenly remembered how his mom initially reacted when he first told her about getting into a modeling agency. Remembering their bad experiences in the show business, she thought that her son was setting himself up for failure for the second time and begged him to drop the idea, sure that it wasn’t worth a try.

At first, it deeply wounded Till’s pride – even his mom doubted his abilities, the person whose opinion he cared for the most was so sure that he will fail. But then, a little bit later, came a bittersweet realization: she just wanted to protect him as much as she could. After all, Till was her only child, and since his father fell into an addiction, his mom made it her mission to shelter him from every bad thing that could potentially happen to her son.

At that point in time, they were nowhere near paying off their debt, so every wrong decision could’ve also made their situation worse, and Till knew that. But he also knew that he had to give it a try, he had to succeed and needed to work hard to prove both of them that this choice was the right one.

When Till finally got his first deal with a big Korean brand, his mom couldn’t contain her happiness. She told Till that all of their neighbors have seen billboards with him and wanted an autograph. They even went as far as praising her for raising such a good son. At that, Till could just bitterly smile, reminded of his acting past, when all of that still sounded exciting to him. When it really mattered. 

‘No, I wanted to do it in person.’ Till stood up from his chair and looked in the mirror. He quickly fixed his hair and adjusted the sweater which had wrinkled up a bit from sitting for so long. ‘Want to come over with me tomorrow?’

‘I’m afraid I won’t be able to, Luka is finally having a day off and we wanted to go to this new fancy restaurant in Gangnam.’ Hyuna stood up too and collected all of their belongings. ‘Sorry about that. But tell Io I said hi!’

‘You don’t have to apologize.’ Till smiled, but felt sadness sting somewhere deep inside. ‘After all, I can’t take all of your time.’

When he first started out as a model, it didn’t really bother Till that it would be a lonely ride. His eyes were set on the prize – getting rid of their debt while also making a name for himself. What would come as a direct consequence of this was secondary. But Till would be lying if he didn’t say that it was getting lonely.

Sure, he had Hyuna. She was the only person Till could call a ‘friend’, someone who he could open up to. But Hyuna had someone else as her top priority. Besides, their relationship wasn’t limited to friendship. There was a certain degree of professionalism, so unsaid boundaries made its’ way into their relationship, putting a certain distance between them.

If things didn't work out in terms of friendship, then this meant they were also not working out in terms of personal life. Till could hardly spare some time to think about his love life. Of course, he wasn’t a complete layman when it came to relationships – he had girlfriends back in high school and even now there were occasional flings, but nothing ever got to a point of becoming serious.

That’s why Till usually found himself spending nights alone in his spacious apartment, listening to music and sketching something in his notebook or simply scrolling through social media in an attempt to soothe his boredom.

Tonight was like that, too, filled with this bitter lonely feeling. He had already called his mom to tell her that he’ll be coming over tomorrow. She got really excited about ‘great news’ that he promised to tell her, saying that she couldn’t wait. They talked a bit before Till hung up, sighing and falling back on his soft bed, head hitting the pillow.

Not knowing what else to do, Till decided to call it a night, switching the lights off and putting his phone away. He was so exhausted anyway, so sleep will definitely come fast and he’ll be able to get his well-deserved rest after these two crazy weeks.

Right, he just needs to get on his back, the pose wasn’t it.

Fuck, the blanket feels wrong now.

Was his pillow always that uncomfortable?

After tossing and turning for a long time, he sat up on the bed and reached out for his phone on a bedside dresser. Its’ screen lit up, showing him that it was already 3 AM. After unlocking the phone Till’s mind wandered for a bit. His career was about to reach a new height, and he couldn’t help but get anxious just from thinking about it.

It would be his first time going abroad, working at such a major event, what if he made a fool out of himself? After all, his confidence is just a mere act, and it is bound to eventually betray him and he’ll end having to show his true colors. And then everyone will know that he is just an insecure guy trying to put on a façade of ignorance.

Just... how long will it take for his façade to come crushing down if something goes wrong?

Opening the browser to distract himself, Till searched up the London Fashion Week of last year. Tapping on the first link that appears, he looked through photos. The Week takes place twice a week, so the page provided him with pictures from the show that was held in September. The Fall/Winter collections of the past season weren’t that impressive in Till’s opinion, so he was ready to close the tab and put the phone down when he noticed a familiar face.

It was a photo of Ivan, the guy he might actually get to meet in London this time.

Till stared at the picture. The man was wearing a piece from Alexander McQueen’s Fall collection of last year, an extravagant white shirt with beige undertones. It was elegant, imitating bird feathers with its’ fabric and combining several unusual patterns. Despite Till’s scarce knowledge about the brand’s history, he had heard that they had quite a lot of pieces which were reminiscent of birds. An imitation of the wing on the right shoulder had a few black feathers, a metaphor of some sort, and the black buttons put additional accents to the piece. Paired with a pair of black slim pants, the outfit made Ivan look like a real bird – graceful, but firm and confident.

Till’s eyes went up, to Ivan’s facial expression. Of course, models were supposed to be emotionless so their face didn’t divert people’s attention from the clothes, but this guy was something else. Till could sense the weight of Ivan’s emotionless stare even through the screen, getting uncomfortable as his black irises stirred something inside of him.

Yet, he kept looking. Something about Ivan’s whole stature was making it hard for Till to look away. It wasn’t threatening per se, but his presence was overruling, commanding. It wasn’t simply about confidence or pride – it looked like Ivan was well aware that he was ‘the one and only’ and relished in this knowledge.

‘What a show-off…’ Till mumbled under his breath, finally closing the tab and putting his phone away.

***

‘You are going to London?!’ Io, Till’s mother exclaimed after he broke the news to her. She placed a bowl of bibimbap in front of her son and sat on the chair across from him, taking her bulgogi. ‘You should’ve told me sooner! Wait, maybe I can call my boss and take a few days off to…’

‘Wait-wait, mom!’ Till stopped her, not letting her finish the sentence. ‘You can’t go with me.’

‘Why? I want to see you shine there!’ She looked up at her son, determined. ‘It’s your first time doing something so big and I have to see it in person!’

‘No, I can’t work when you are around.’ He calmly explained, starting his bibimbap. ‘Oh, it turned out really spicy today.’

‘Oh, it must be the new red pepper paste… Wait, you are changing the subject, Till!’

‘Am I?’ He looked up at her, smiling mischievously. ‘Mom, you can always watch the livestream. It will be less stressful for both of us, but the outcome will be the same.’

‘When you’ll have your own kids, you’ll realize how important it is!’ Io scolded him while chewing. ‘It is the fact that I’d be present that matters.’

Well, this kind of hurt Till’s feelings. His smile immediately faltered as he was unable to control the swirl of emotions these words had evoked inside. It’s not like he wasn’t already feeling lonely or anything.

Of course, his mom didn’t mean it, but it felt as if she was rubbing salt into the wound.

It’s not like they haven’t talked about it either. Till’s mom knew of his fears and respected his decision to focus on his career for now, but there were a lot of moments like this when she let herself slip up, show her real feelings.

Maybe, she would’ve preferred if he sticked to something more… normal? Sure, modeling helped them pay the debts that were looming over them for years on end, but it also stole all of Till’s time. If he was going by the traditional route, he’d still be in uni, probably living with her…

‘I understand, but still, mom…’ He kept looking down at his bibimbap as unpleasant thoughts flooded his mind. He wasn’t even hungry anymore. ‘I wouldn’t be able to show my best performance if you were in the audience. It’s not that I don’t want you to be with me, it’s just that…’

‘Yeah-yeah. I get it.’ She answered a bit bitterly, something from the past definitely coming up to her mind. ‘Sorry for bringing that up.’

Awkward silence enveloped them, uncomfortably clinging to Till’s skin. He looked up at his mom, trying to study her expression. She pursued her lips, just like she always did when she felt guilty, and chewed on her bulgogi. It was clear that both of them still struggled to let go of the past.

Till wished they could clear some things up already. He wanted to tell his mom that it wasn’t her fault, that things happen, that it wasn’t her who failed him or their family, it was the industry that was so ruthless and unforgiving. That now it’s time to move past that, that they can let everything go, that nothing is tying them to the past anymore.

That they should finally move on and forget about everything, to focus on the present and look forward to the future that seems so promising to Till.

But Io was a stubborn woman. Till used to think he took from his father in terms of character, being impulsive and hot-headed. But the older he became, the more he realized – he was a copy of his mom.

Inflexible, avoidant and fearful, always pretending that everything was fine until it wasn’t.

***

‘I never knew Incheon’s airport was that big!’ Till exclaimed, looking around while he and Hyuna stood in the line to register.

The lobby of Incheon International Airport was bright and spacious, big screens with various timetables showing many flights of today, arrival and departure. Being the central hub for global tourism, it was filled with foreigners running around and dragging their luggage. Till heard a lot of English, but there were also people speaking other languages, and he couldn’t help but feel a little curious about their destinations.

‘Well, it certainly is bigger than the one in Gimpo.’ His manager agreed, looking through their documents to find the plane tickets. ‘Phew, thankfully I didn’t forget anything! Here it is.’

Hyuna reached out and gave him the ticket, which Till happily took. He stared at the paper, letter ‘C’ signalizing that they would be flying business class. Smiling, he looked up at his friend.

‘Hyuna, can you believe it? We’re going to London!’

‘You better start getting used to it, Till.’ She smiled widely at him, reaching out to lightly pinch his cheek. ‘After the Fashion Week, every brand will want you as their model, so you’ll be flying a lot.’

Till hoped that all of this will become true. He knew it was possible for him to break international, and London Fashion Week would just be a starting point for his global breakthrough.

After they boarded the plane and took their seats, Till couldn’t keep still. He fidgeted on his spot, constantly checked the time on his phone and looked out of the window, closely watching what the airport staff was doing outside.

‘Are you scared of flying?’ Hyuna carefully asked while readjusting her neck pillow.

‘No, I’m just… really excited.’ Till answered honestly, turning to look at her. ‘You know, before everything was settled with lawsuits and our debts, I was always tense. All of the responsibilities and potential risks hanging above my head as if it was a Sword of Damocles or something, always threatening to ruin what I was trying to build.  But now that everything is in the past, I actually feel thrilled to work.’

‘Thrilled to work? An insane statement.’ Hyuna chuckled as she finally found a comfortable position. ‘Let’s see how happy and excited you’ll be when we land in London after almost fifteen hours on board.’

‘Wait, fifteen hours?!’ Till yelped, his phone almost fell out of his hand.

‘You didn’t know?’ Hyuna laughed loudly, surprised by her friend’s cluelessness. ‘We are flying to the other side of the continent, of course it’s going to take a lot.’

‘I… I thought it’ll be like, eight hours!’ Till protested, looking at his phone again. ‘And what time will it be in London when we land?’

‘Well, we have a layover at Shanghai, too. So, we will spend close to eighteen hours on the way and it’ll be around seven in the morning there.’ 

‘S-seven in the morning?’ Hyuna could see color leave Till’s face. ‘What am I supposed to do on board for so long?!’

Then, she burst out laughing.

‘That’s not funny, Hyuna! You know how easily I get bored!’ Till whined, looking around at other passengers. None of them seemed to care that they were being noisy, so Till sighed with relief.

‘It is funny, Till! How can you be so clueless?’ She tried to calm down, but the wide smile on her face still didn’t want to falter.

At that, Till just scowled. Unlocking his phone, he decided to see if he could play any of the games he had offline. Unfortunately, there was nothing that could help sooth Till’s boredom, all the games he had required a Wi-Fi connection. Then, he decided to see if it was possible to quickly download a book to read. While Till was scrolling through all the available options, the flight attendant went past their road and gave every passenger a pair of headphones, which Hyuna took for both of them.

‘Shit, what kind of selection is this?’ Hyuna mumbled, checking available films through the screen in front of her. ‘I guess I’ll have to watch ‘Trolls’ to not fall asleep.’

‘They have movies here?’ Till looked up curiously while ‘The Vegetarian’ by Han Kang was being downloaded on his phone.

‘Of course. Their selection sucks, though. I just need something to keep me awake until we reach Shanghai, so, I guess, ‘Trolls’ will have to suffice.’ Hyuna answered when the video about safety measures started playing on their screens.

Till quickly put his phone away and nervously fastened his seatbelt, thinking about what was awaiting him in London.

Chapter Text

Their flight to London wasn’t as half bad as Till had initially expected it to be. Sure, it quickly got boring to look out of the window, the book didn’t really match his mood and Hyuna was too busy watching ‘Trolls’, but after boarding their second plane in Shanghai, sleep caught up to him and Till got knocked out for a couple of hours. With six more hours to go and a stiff neck that he got from falling asleep in an awkward position, Till started to look through his options to soothe the boredom. 

Leaning forward in his seat, he tapped on a built-in screen in front of him and opened the ‘Movies’ section that Hyuna complained about earlier.

There were a couple of Korean classics, a Chinese film Till hasn’t heard of before, several Western movies and a bunch of cartoons, including ‘Trolls’ which his friend watched on their way to China. He found ‘Wonka’ in the list and clicked on the poster, only to realize that it was in Chinese with English subtitles. As he was about to turn and ask Hyuna how to change the subtitles to Korean, he realized that his friend was asleep and Till felt bad about waking her up. With a sigh, he decided to look through his other options.

Besides films, there were also a couple of music albums he could listen to.

To Till’s surprise, there was an OST collection of Ghibli movies soundtracks. He tapped on the album cover and a long list of tracks popped out on the screen. After skimming through the titles, he promptly pressed ‘Play’ button and ‘A Shooting Star’ from ‘The Wind Rises’ started playing. Feeling nostalgic, Till leaned back and relaxed against his seat.

Back when he was younger Till used to watch a lot of anime, Ghibli movies being his ultimate favorites. When ‘Merry-Go-Round of Life’ from ‘Howl’s Moving Castle’ started playing, he thought back to the first time watching it with his mother. Seeing the story of Howl and Sophie unfold left such a deep impression on then-eight-year-old Till and shaped his vision of true love.

That kind of love that, despite everything, persists and grows stronger.

Before he knew, soft melodies lulled Till back to sleep.

The next time he opened his eyes, Hyuna was nagging him to get up and grab his things. Then, it all turned into a blur – they crossed the border, grabbed their luggage and rushed through the waiting lounge of the Heathrow Airport. Till couldn’t even fully process how much bigger it was in comparison to already huge one in Incheon as Hyuna dragged him to the park-way. Apparently, the agency got them a driver and they have to hurry and find his blue Toyota.

The driver, Mister Johns, tried to make small talk with them, but Till’s poor English skills didn’t really allow him to engage in the conversation, so eventually he stopped trying to understand what Hyuna and their driver were talking about. Instead, he turned to look at the window and tried to take in the views that London had to offer.

As they drove through the city, Till watched as the car passed countless museums, parks and cafes, and wished they had more time in London. They came here for four days only, and they have a lot to do, so, hopefully, there will be a next time when he can take in all of the sights.

Maybe, he’ll come back here with his mom. She also never got a chance to travel abroad, so she’d definitely go sightseeing with him and they’d finally get their quality time together.

When they made it to the hotel, the rain tapered off and allowed Hyuna and Till to stare at the building in disbelief for a solid minute.

‘Are we staying here?’ Till asked, still struggling to believe that he was in the center of London, about to check in this luxurious hotel that stood tall in front of them.

‘Yeah. The agency must have worked really hard on this one.’ Hyuna answered and suggested going in.

A girl at the reception definitely knew who Till was, but decided to pretend that she didn’t for the sake of professionalism. Till quickly looked around – everything was screaming ‘luxury’ to him, from simple pens that were on the counter of the reception for signing the papers to a gorgeous chandelier that hung high above them. After filling in the information into the computer, the lady gave them their electronic keys to their respective rooms.

‘Sorry, the rooms are not on the same floor.’ The receptionist politely pointed out while giving them instructions. ‘Miss Hyuna’s room is on the fifth floor and yours, Mister Till, is on the seventh.’

After everything was confirmed, they headed straight to their rooms. Hyuna said that she would come up to his suite later after she drops her luggage off in her room, so they parted ways for a little while.

The room ‘707’, which was at the far end of the hallway, was really pretty, spacious and bright. A single bed was placed in the middle, a flat TV screen hanging right across from it. A vase with fresh flowers placed neatly on the dresser under it, contributing to the overall atmosphere of the place. Further in the corner stood a dark wooden writing desk, chair pulled in.

Dragging his luggage through the room, Till walked inside and noticed a big bathroom to his right. Its’ walls were decorated with high-quality gray marble, both bath and sink certainly coming close to it in terms of the price. 

Till sighed as he stood in front of the mirror that hung proudly above this crazy expensive sink, unknown feeling refusing to stop its’ build up in his chest.

Was it a new degree of pride?

Or just fear?

Trying to get ahold of this new emotion, Till got trapped in his memories. Suddenly, he was ten again, attending his first awards show with his then-manager. Everything was so big and new – the venue, the crowd, the noise around him and the attention that was dedicated solely to him. By the end of his red-carpet shoot which couldn’t be longer than three minutes, Till’s eyes hurt from all of the flashes from professional cameras. He didn’t get any prize that night, but it didn’t really matter for the little Till – he just liked the attention and didn’t think about anything else. He just spoke to every journalist who wanted to interview him, giving them the widest smile possible and always trying to be so polite…

Of course. He didn’t know that his dream will soon collapse, that’s why he was so carefree.

Fuck, now is not the right time to reminisce over the past. It’s not like it’s possible to go back and change anything. But he can make sure that the future that he’s chasing is nothing like that. Till worked so hard to get back, and his first show abroad needs to go perfectly.

***

For their first day in London, Till needed to visit Sua’s studio as she wanted to make sure all of the measurements were correct and then, in the evening, they’ll have a dinner with a representative of some big fashion house. Hyuna refused to tell him which one is it, claiming that ‘it needed to be a surprise’, but it was only making Till more anxious as he didn’t know what to even expect from it.

Things were already not going too well, considering that they were at least ten minutes late and the traffic was horrible today, but all Till could think about was that he’ll somehow disappoint this unknown representative and they will retract whatever offer they wanted to propose to him.

Thankfully, Hyuna was on her phone most of the ride, so she didn’t notice the way Till was wringing his fingers in anxious attempts to calm himself down. 

Finally, after what felt like hours to Till, they got to the right place. Sua’s London studio was tucked away from the hustle and bustle of the city center, taking up a small room in an unremarkable building. The choice was a little bit questionable, but Till quickly remembered how much she complained about rent last time they’ve met and all his questions swiftly disappeared.

If there was one thing that everyone should know about Sua, it is that she hates those who are late. Till learned it the hard way – in the beginning of their partnership he got five minutes late to a rehearsal and had to deal with her death glare for the rest of the day. It was something about ‘ruining the flow of the work’ and ‘respecting others’, so Till decided that he’ll always be there on time if Sua is involved.

But today… Today they were fifteen minutes late.

‘Hyuna, if Sua’s wrath takes me out today, remember me as your most talented client…’ Till joked as they approached the studio.

‘So dramatic…’ Hyuna replied, shaking her head in disbelief. ‘It’ll be fine! Come on, hurry up.’

The moment the door opened, though, they were greeted with the sight of Sua poking someone with pins. The guy she was working with had his back turned to the door, so Till couldn’t really make out if it’s someone he knows or not. Considering that in any normal situation Sua’d be long done with her other models and sit in her chair, the fact that she didn’t turn around to greet them right away, too lost in the process as she made adjustments to the piece, wasn’t a good sign.

‘Hello, Sua!’ Till said, not sure if it’s right to distract her at the moment. ‘Sorry for being late…’

‘Oh, crap, you’re already here?’ Sua turned to finally face him, poking the model with a pin a little too hard if his yelp was something to go by. ‘Sorry, didn’t mean to.’

‘Yeah, you still need time?’ Hyuna joined the conversation as she took Till’s coat and hung it beside hers on a coat stand in the corner. ‘We can wait.’

‘Yes, please.’ Sua promptly answered, patting the unknown model on the shoulder so he turns around. ‘Hurry up, Ivan, don’t you have some other things to do today too?’

Till wanted to crash on the couch as they waited, but froze at the spot as he heard the name escape Sua’s mouth. Ivan?

Suddenly, everything got too slow. Ivan unhurriedly turned around, letting Sua poke more pins into him. He was about to say something when his eyes met Till’s. The words seemingly died on his tongue, never making it out of his mouth as they stared at each other in silence.

Caught off guard, Till just blinked, studying Ivan’s face. His dark eyes, which always seemed so distant and intimidating, looked at Till with curiosity, illuminated faintly by the dim lights of the studio. All he could do in response was to stare back, not knowing what would be the right thing to say or do next.

‘Oh, hello! I didn’t realize it was you, Till.’ Ivan broke the silence and carefully raised his hand to wave him, not wanting to ruin whatever Sua was trying to do with the poor dark-blue sweater that hugged his figure tightly. ‘Let’s get properly acquainted when this madwoman finishes with her antics...Ouch!’

‘Seems like you’re in a good mood, Ivan?’ Sua deliberately poked him in the waist, fixing the fabric with it according to her mysterious vision. ‘Well, I’d be in a way better mood, too, if someone didn’t get unnecessary buff over the course of six months!’

Ivan hissed a little bit, but quieted down as the designer continued making adjustments. Till had to force himself to stop staring and sat down, waiting until Hyuna takes a place beside him.

‘Huh, I didn’t expect to run into him here…’ Till whispered once his manager sat next to him, throwing glances at Sua and Ivan as they bickered more. ‘Since when did they get so close?’

‘I mean, didn’t they study together or something?’ Hyuna quietly whispered back, failing to hide her own curiosity. ‘Anyway, it’s rude to gossip, let’s use this time to go over your schedule quickly.’

Till sighed, disappointed. He threw one last glance towards Ivan and forced himself to focus on the timetable that Hyuna was shoving into his face.

Finally, Sua loudly proclaimed that they were done and sent Ivan to change. As soon as he hid in a fitting room, she started scribbling and sketching something in her notebook, pencil stroking the paper in a meticulous yet brazen way.

‘Sorry that it took so long.’ She finally dropped her pencil and turned to face Hyuna and Till. ‘How was your trip here?’

‘It’s fine, we have time.’ Hyuna reassured, standing up and urging Till to do the same. ‘The flight was alright, although a little tiring. Hopefully we don’t get hit with jet lag tonight.’

‘Mhm, I totally get you. These long flights always mess up my sleeping schedule.’ Sua agreed, scanning Till from head to toe. ‘Did you get even skinnier?’

‘No? Yes?’ He blinked, not sure how to respond. ‘I might have, considering that I spent last two weeks running errands around Seoul and not eating properly.’

‘Shit, don’t tell me I’ll have to spend this much time with you, too…’ Sua sighed defeatedly, running a hand through her dark locks in frustration. ‘First it was Ivan, now you… If I ever have another show, I won’t invite either of you.’

Till was about to ask what she meant by that last sentence of hers, but right at that moment Ivan came out of the fitting room and chimed in the conversation.

‘Come on, Sua, I’m sure you’ll be fine.’ He reassured, hanging the piece he wore last on the clothes valet. ‘This collection is stunning, it most certainly will garner a lot of attention.’

As if forced by some outer power, Till turned to look at Ivan as soon as he heard his voice. His tone was playful, yet firm, a perfect mixture of confident and friendly.

‘Sorry for a little awkward moment back then, I was afraid Sua will poke me to death if I moved the wrong way.’ He continued, reaching Hyuna and Till and offering them to shake hands. ‘I’m Ivan, I’ve heard a lot about both of you from Sua. Nice to meet you.’

‘It’s really nice to meet you too, Ivan!’ Hyuna cheerfully responded, smiling widely and enthusiastically shaking his hand.

They chit-chat for a bit, and Till uses this time to study Ivan’s expression, trying to guess if there are any ulterior motives to this exaggerated friendliness of his.

Why is he acting so friendly and nice all of the sudden? Isn’t this guy supposed to be his one and only real competition? Shouldn’t he be the one to set up boundaries, make sure Till knows his place, asserting dominance and claiming that Number One spot? Did he come up with some sort of other strategy?

Right, Ivan must want to deceive Till. There’s no doubt about that now, not when every time big dark eyes dart to Till’s face, the air starts to feel a little bit strange.

But… Maybe, there’s something on Ivan’s mind, too?  Till can’t shake the feeling that Ivan’s waiting for him to notice something, but the former fails to every time, making Ivan retreat.

‘Weirdo.’ Till thinks to himself, not wanting to dwell on it any longer. He tries to draw everyone’s attention to the fact that they need to get working. Time is money or whatever it goes like, Till doesn’t want to wait or think anymore.

Then, it gets quite hectic. They bid goodbyes with Ivan, promising to talk a bit more tomorrow backstage, and Till makes a mental note how it’s actually unnecessary, but Hyuna cheerfully agrees to hang out a bit, and there’s no room for him to protest. As soon as Ivan left, they got to the business. Sua got back to her sketchbook, showing them the concepts that she had come up with and what pieces looked like in real life, taking each one from the clothes hanger close to her desk and pressing them against Till, trying to envision what would it look like on him.

The first was a grey shirt with a l’oeil print. It had long sleeves, hem of the shirt was curved a bit and its’ back was adorned with black chaotic lines. Till actually liked it a lot – it was on a bolder side and would definitely look good on him.

‘I think we need to make it a bit tighter?’ Sua said, turning the piece of clothes in her hands. ‘If we aim for a thinner waist, will it look better?’

Till reached out to feel the fabric of the shirt. The viscose felt nice to the touch and he immediately thought about different ways of styling it.

‘I think I have an idea.’ He said and took the shirt from Sua, walking up to the full-height mirror behind them and pressing it against himself. ‘If I tug one end of it inside and let the other hang loose, leaving the top button undone…’

‘It’ll look nice.’ Hyuna said, coming up to him. ‘But the waist still needs to be fixed, don’t you think?’

‘Well, we’ll have to see. Let me change quickly.’ Till answered, quickly going to improvised fitting room.

He wore the shirt, styling it exactly how he suggested earlier and came over to Sua, who was already holding a bunch of pins, ready to make adjustments. She doesn’t go easy on him today, making him go through several pieces, two of them needing severe changes. Overall, he will present four pieces and one suit. Thankfully, the show is divided into sections, so Till won’t have to rush like a madman, having enough time in-between turns to look his best.

By the time they were finished, it was already four. Sua was so thorough with her preparation that Till couldn’t help but wonder what got into her. She’s usually not that nervous before important events, yet her hands struggled to work the pins, shaking a little bit, and her eyes looked tired.

‘You seem more anxious than usual.’ Till pointed out, taking off the last jacket Sua wanted him to wear. ‘What’s wrong?’

‘It’s just… Things have been tough recently.’ Sua honestly answered, clearly exhausted from all the work she had to do today. ‘If this collection doesn’t sell well, I might just quit.’

‘What?!’ Hyuna, who sat on the sofa across the room, jumped from her seat. ‘And you kept silent about it?’

‘Of course I did.’ Sua said, sighing loudly and looking up from her sketchbook. ‘It’s really embarrassing to admit, you know?’

‘Wait, this can’t do.’ Till cut off, sensing the growing pessimistic atmosphere. ‘I can lend you some money until things get better.’

‘Ouch, hurting my pride just like that, model-boy.’ Sua said, theatrically pretending that the suggestion hurt her right in the heart. ‘Thank you, but I know you need this money even more than I do.’

‘Still, Sua…’ Hyuna said, coming closer to them. ‘If you need our help, we will do everything in our power. You remember, right?’

‘I do. But I also want to do it using fair means, Hyuna.’ Sua said with conviction. ‘If this collection doesn’t do well, it will have to come to an end.’

Till sighed. ‘CLEMATIS’ was a wonderful brand – despite never having a big team and doing most of her work solo, Sua managed to create a lot of unique pieces which he adored and actually enjoyed wearing. Some of them were soft and delicate, and Till appreciated how light they felt against his skin. Others, like the shirt they styled first today, were abstract and chaotic, sending mixed messages to the audience, but captivating and leaving a deep impression.

So, the possibility of someone who he genuinely respected so much leave the industry hurt Till. He had known Sua for a couple of years now and was well aware of how much she enjoyed designing. It always bothered him how such talented people get thrown away by the industry if they don’t make enough money, and Till really wanted to prevent this from happening to Sua and ‘CLEMATIS’.

‘I really hope Ivan and Till’s involvement will help me. It’s already kind of not fair for me to go and ask two most famous male models to showcase my collection and take advantage of my connections like this, but…’

‘Who cares?’ Till cut Sua off, getting frustrated. ‘If that can help, I’ll wear more pieces. I’ll promote you on my social media. Hyuna and I can talk to people! Why are you talking about this like you’ve given up already?’

Hyuna stared at him wide-eyed, definitely regretting being his manager right now.

‘You’re so lucky I’m already used to your impulsiveness, otherwise I’d be very offended by your words.’ Sua looked at him, expression unreadable.

Till gulped, wishing he could take his words back. It was, indeed, a bit too much. Not only did his words suggest that he was better than Sua, they also carried a doubt in her vision.

Fuck, Ivan would never make a mistake like that, wouldn’t he? All perfect and charming, he is the one who has the right to think that highly of himself, but he’d never say something… Right, all he did was reassure Sua.

Guilt washed over him like a tidal wave, threatening to drown him.

‘But I’m saying this out of good will, Sua.’ Despite knowing that he was in the wrong, Till persisted. ‘You know how this business runs and you can use me…’

‘I know you don’t mean it that way.’ She finally cut him off by loudly closing her sketchbook. ‘But… It still doesn’t help. I always doubted if I was doing the right thing anyway. So, if I fail this time, it’ll be a proof of that and I’ll just have to try something different.’

Till wanted to say something, but Hyuna didn’t allow it, shushing him.

After checking everything for the last time, Till and Hyuna left. The atmosphere lightened up a bit, but Till couldn’t help but feel guilty. He was becoming ignorant for real, his mask merging with his real feelings already, and he hoped there was still a way to separate these two. Still, what’s done is done, and the only thing left is shame.

‘You keep testing me, you know?’ Hyuna said when they got into the car, pulling him out of his thoughts. ‘If it was anyone else, the things could’ve escalated so badly… Till, we’ve talked about this.’

‘But I didn’t say anything bad!’ He refuted, getting defensive and trying to protect himself from Hyuna’s nagging as his inner voice was harsh enough on its’ own. ‘My intentions were good, and Sua knows it. I admit that I sounded a bit arrogant, but…’

‘It’s still humiliating, no matter your intention.’ She didn’t budge, still scolding Till. ‘You out of everyone should understand it the best.’

Till sighed. He knew what Hyuna was hinting at. When he was at the beginning of his modeling career, he often heard people say that it was “Sisyphean task”, that this world is ruled by connections and there is no place for a failed child actor who just wants his spotlight back, who can’t take ‘no’ for an answer.

Although he didn’t mean to undervalue Sua’s efforts, he knew it sounded like that.

‘I am a terrible person, aren’t I?’ Till asked, laying his head onto Hyuna’s shoulder.

‘No, you aren’t. You just speak before you think.’ She closed her eyes, sighing loudly. ‘Impulsiveness is not a great thing, especially at work… Keep it down for the dinner, please? I’ll do the talking.’

Mister Johns eyed them through the rear-view mirror, but decided against asking anything.

***

Apparently, it was ‘Louis Vuitton’ who wanted Till to become the face of their new menswear collection.

The guilt was still there, burning in his chest, but it was slowly getting replaced by a cocktail of emotions that Till was struggling to navigate. It was happiness, anxiety and anticipation washing over him all at once, making it hard for him to follow what the representative was saying. Although, even if he was listening properly, he must’ve not understood even a half of it, considering how bad his English is.

‘So, what are your thoughts?’ The middle-aged man with a really strong French accent asked both of them, looking expectantly.

Till blinked at him in confusion, realization that he had missed something important promptly washing over him. Thankfully, Hyuna came to his rescue and thanked the representative.

‘Before we agree, can I look through the contract?’ She asked, throwing small glances at Till. ‘I need to make sure that it covers everything my client might need.’

Hyuna’s professionalism was exceptional. She always handled business with outmost precision and care for Till’s wellbeing, even when she was clearly mad at him. He couldn’t wish for a better manager.

When the representative gave her the paper, Till scooted closer to his manager and leaned over to look at the conditions.

‘It’s just a formality, right?’ He asked Hyuna, voice barely above a whisper. ‘I’m never turning them down, no matter what is written here.’

‘Shh, let me read.’ She brushed Till off, scanning the words with a focused expression. Then, she looked up at the man and asked him in English. ‘Will the brand cover up the travel expenses? You see, Till’s agency is not the biggest…’

‘Oh, of course! There will be a private jet for mister Till and his staff, he is allowed to bring any of his stylists along.’ The man answered enthusiastically. ‘We are really serious about this, so whichever necessity there is, it shall be provided.’

Hyuna nodded and continued reading while Till’s mind started spinning after hearing ‘private jet’. Even with his limited English he knew what that implied.

‘Well, we accept your offer.’ Hyuna said a little bit later after she had finished reading the contract. ‘You said the shooting is scheduled in May, right?’

‘Correct.’ The representative answered, expression smug. ‘We will be sending all of the details to your agency as soon as everything is finalized. Thank you for accepting our offer.’

‘Thank you!’ Till exclaimed, finally remembering some English. ‘I’m really flattered that you’ve chosen me.’

‘Oh, mister Till, we should be thanking you.’ The man smiled politely as he stood up to collect his belongings. ‘Good luck on the Fashion Week!’

They bid farewells and the man left. It was only now that Till noticed that he didn’t even order anything to eat. Hyuna put the copy of the contract that the representative gave them away after re-reading something there and looked back at Till, expecting him to say something.

‘I don’t know what to say?’ He finally said, looking at Hyuna with the most confused expression ever. ‘Is this even real?’

‘Very much so.’

‘Oh my God.’

‘Yeah.’

They sat in silence for a while, Till needing time to actually process everything. That mention of a private jet lowkey erased every negative emotion that was eating on him before, so now he tried to contain all of the happiness that this offer brought him. He’ll have a chance to apologize to Sua properly tomorrow, but he won’t have time to process whatever crazy thing had just been settled at this table.

‘You know, Till.’ Hyuna pulled him out of his thoughts, voice soft. ‘I’m kind of mad at you, but I’m also really proud of you.’

‘Hyuna…’

‘Like, really proud. I’m glad you finally got a big offer.’

Till could only smile at her, at a loss for words again.

Chapter Text

Before any important event, Till would usually spend the night sleepless and restless, staring into the ceiling of his bedroom as his mind spiraled and came up with the worst-case scenarios for the upcoming day. His imagination would come up with horrifying outcomes, drawing awful images of him tripping in shoes that were a few sizes too big for him, falling over some photographer who manages to capture the moment up close and embarrassing himself beyond the point of salvation.

This time, however, he slept like a baby.

Maybe, it was all of the stress that he got to go through on their first day in London that knocked him out that hard, but Till actually got more than enough hours of sleep to power through the day.

It had to be a good sign, right? Using all of that energy, Till will manage to show what he is truly capable of, proving that ‘Louis Vitton’ didn’t make a mistake when they decided to reach out to his agency with that offer of theirs.

Still, when they got to the car, a wave of anxiety came in its’ full force, washing over Till and pulling him deeper into whirlwind of insecurities, his mind falling into these patterns that have become so familiar to him too quickly for Till to harness.

Hyuna had told him many times before that he got way too easily insecure for someone who was already so successful, but it’s not like Till could control it. Well, maybe in theory he should try to come up with ways to control it, since he is a grown man with a job and he always thought of himself as a mature guy, but again…

Staring out of the car window, Till watched the views that London had to offer. The venue where the Fashion Week takes place this year wasn’t that far away from their hotel, but it still took them quite a while to get there because of the traffic.

After being stuck at one spot for five minutes without any movement, Till fished out his phone from the pocket of his jeans and checked the time. Thanks to his manager’s grumbling, they went out early, so they still have enough time. Staring at his lockscreen, a pic of him and his mom from his birthday party last year, Till suddenly remembered that she wanted to watch him walk the show.

Should he call her today?

Suddenly, the car started moving, startling Till a bit out of his daze. Mister Johnes announced that they will be at the venue in five minutes, and he heard Hyuna sigh in relief, mumbling something about time management under her breath.

When they finally reached their destination, Mister Johns quickly wished them luck and drove away. Hyuna looked at her wristwatch and grabbed Till by the hand, wasting no time and dragging him backstage.

Of course, there were much less male models walking the show, so they were provided with a smaller lounge to prepare. When Till and Hyuna entered, they were quickly asked to verify their information by some clerk, a girl who seemed to be too nervous being around so many handsome men.

‘O-OK, I’ve checked everything! Please, r-read what’s written here and sign b-below.’ She stuttered, holding out a paper. Till carefully took the paper and started reading.

Quickly scanning the list of conditions and rules he had to follow, his eyes travelled down to the bottom of the page. There was a big table with today’s schedule, and Till couldn’t help but pry a bit. There was a list of big names, and it left him wondering if they’d be able to stick to watch some shows after he finishes walking for ‘CLEMATIS’.

Speaking of it, Till needed to find Sua and apologize properly before the final fitting. Memories of yesterday rushed to remind him of how guilty he should feel, making something inside sting uncomfortably.   

He quickly signed the paper and handed it back to the clerk.

‘T-thank you!’ The girl said, her fingers trembling as she took the document. ‘I-I think ‘CLEMATIS’ d-designer was looking for you. She is in the far-l-left corner.’

‘Thank you!’ Hyuna said and dragged Till by the hand again, as if she was afraid that he’d run away.

‘You know I can walk on my own, right?’ He said bitterly, trying to pull out of Hyuna’s hold. ‘Besides, I was going to find Sua on my own…’

‘You’re too slow.’ She cut off, walking faster. ‘If you think we have a lot of time to fool around, you’re very wrong.’

Just as the clerk told them, Sua was in the far-left corner, checking something as her eyes darted between the hanging rail with all the new pieces and her phone.

‘Hi, Sua!’ Hyuna greeted her, pushing Till a bit forward.

He rolled his eyes, but decided that, indeed, now is the right moment.

‘Hello, Sua.’ Till exhaled, getting nervous. ‘Before we start working today, I wanted to say that I’m sorry for what I said yesterday. I never doubted you or your vision, and I know I came across as rude and arrogant.’

‘Wow, you still have some conscience.’ Sua turned around to look at him and grinned widely. ‘It’s fine, I’m not mad. I’ve known you long enough to tell that you didn’t mean that way.’

Till breathed out, only now realizing that he was actually holding his breath. A wave of relief washed over him, letting him straighten his pose and smile in return.

‘Thanks for being so understanding of him.’ Hyuna chimed in, chuckling lightly.

‘Stop acting like my mom!’ Till exclaimed, lightly hitting his manager on the shoulder.

After chatting with Sua for a little while as she showed them Till’s looks once again in order to check if everything was correct, Hyuna insisted on getting him ready. He never bothered doing makeup before his shows, so his manager always had to fish for someone who was available. For today, it was a girl who seemed pretty experienced. Hyuna showed her the references from the previous times, and the makeup artist got right to work.

After about half an hour, the girl announced that she was done and Till opened his eyes to examine his reflection in the mirror. She did a great job – his eyebags were carefully hidden under a layer of foundation, his cheekbones were more prominent and his eyes stood out thanks to the eyeshadow. His hair was also done, slicked back and exposing his forehead.

He looked good.

Thanking the makeup artist, Till rose up from his seat and started looking for Hyuna, vaguely remembering that she wanted to catch up with an old acquaintance while he was getting his makeup done. Now, scanning the crowd in an attempt to find his manager, Till felt like a lost child who got left behind in a huge supermarket. Although this place wasn’t that big, most of the people here only knew English, and he didn’t, so asking around would be really hard for him.

‘Got lost?’

Till quickly turned around, his mind rushing to connect voice to a face.

Of course, it was Ivan.

He almost had to suppress an annoyed groan, frustrated that he just had to run into this guy right now. The man was leaning against the wall, clearly waiting for something as he kept looking down at his phone.

‘A little bit.’ Till unwillingly admitted, walking closer to Ivan. ‘I can’t find my manager.’

‘Think I saw her talk with some guy in the hallway.’ Hiding his phone in the pocket of what looked like really expensive designer jeans, the man fixed his gaze on Till, as if expecting something. ‘We can stay here and wait for her if you want.’

There it was, his pretentious friendly smile. With the way his hair was styled today, similarly to Till’s, Ivan’s eyes felt even more intense that before. It reminded Till of that feeling he got when he stumbled upon his pic from the last year’s Fashion Week – that was a gaze of a man who knew his worth. Yet, there was something else hidden behind the veil of confidence, something that Till couldn’t find the right word for.

‘Well, that would be the smartest option.’ He reluctantly agreed, standing next to Ivan and thinking how to make small talk. ‘Is it always that… hectic?’

The lounge was filled with people, clerks running errands and designers nervously checking their pieces for the nth time while models got their makeup done. Everyone looked nervous, as if they were already running out of time although they certainly aren’t, and Till couldn’t help but feel this anxiety get to him too.

‘Not really, it’s just that there are a lot of independent designers today.’ Ivan calmly answered, probably sensing Till’s nervousness. ‘All of them treat these shows like its’s their last, so they get worked up like this.’

‘Oh, I see.’

The conversation died down, making Till feel a bit awkward. Should he try and talk with Ivan more? But isn’t it stupid to try and pretend to be friendly with someone who he considers his biggest rival? Yeah, it’s pointless, he should…

‘It’s your first show abroad, right?’ Ivan asked, pulling Till out of his thoughts. Shit, right when he thought about excusing himself and going to look for Hyuna. ‘Must be exciting.’

‘Yeah, it is.’ He nodded, not sure how much he should say. ‘Really hope that it’ll go well.’

‘I’m sure you’ll be fine.’ Ivan tried to reassure him, his eyes fixed on Till’s face. ‘It’s not much different from Seoul or anything else, it’s just that the scale is a bit bigger. But photographers, press and staff… Nothing different.’

Till couldn’t help but frown. Why was Ivan acting like this? There’s no need to pretend that he wants to befriend Till, there’s virtually no benefit in it, so why…?

It’s not like Till was the only one who never believed in having friends in this industry. Most of the people here didn’t. Although he didn’t like the fact that some other models considered him an enemy, Till understood really well why they could never be on friendly terms.

It’s just that there’s too much at stake.

Becoming friends with someone requires some sort of vulnerability, but if you fight and stop being friends anymore, how would you make sure that all the secrets that you’ve shared with another person are safe?

Yes, connections matter. Despite his introversion, Till has plenty of them and he knows how to use them right. Ivan should probably be like that, too. Hasn’t he been in the industry for long enough to know that this friendly talk doesn’t work?

‘Um, thanks for the advice.’ He awkwardly smiled, meeting Ivan’s gaze. It wasn’t heavy, on the contrary, but Till couldn’t stop this uneasy feeling inside of his chest from blooming.

Thankfully, Hyuna was finally back. She happily greeted Ivan, ignoring Till’s complains about abandoning him here, and three of them chatted briefly. Soon, they were called for the final fitting, and things started to get blurry – outfit after outfit, Sua was running between all of her models, checking if everything was in place.

The shirt Till had to wear first was perfect, all of yesterday’s adjustments made it look flawless. Other looks needed a bit of adjustments here and there, but nothing serious. His final suit was a bit tight in some places, but the main problem lied in the shoes department. Unfortunately, there were only a couple of free loafer pair and all of them were two size bigger than his.

‘I’ll try to ask around if there’s any other left, but I guess you’ll have to suffer.’ Hyuna sighed, staring down at his black shoes. ‘Sorry about that, Till.’

‘It’s alright, nothing I couldn’t handle.’

Logically speaking, the chances of him falling over some photographers were quite low. They were never zero, of course, but Till liked to think he was experienced enough to avoid it. Still, his mind couldn’t stop replaying the image of him stumbling over these stupid loafers and tearing his pants right in front of big fashion brands’ representatives.

‘Overthinking again?’ Hyuna asked, noticing the frown on Till’s face. ‘Ugh, what should I do with you…’

‘It can’t be helped, you know.’ He sighed, still looking down at these dumb loafers. ‘First times are always scary.’

‘Why can’t your arrogant side come out at times like these? When it’s needed.’

Maybe because there were no real arrogant side of him. This façade is so unbelievably fragile, and one wrong move will send it crumbling down. Of course, no one can find out about that, not even Hyuna. She does have her reservations, that’s for sure, but she doesn’t know the extent of his insecurities.

And Till need to keep it that way. For his own sake.

‘Do we have time?’ He decided to change the subject, just as he always does when it’s getting way too sensitive for him. ‘Wanna call my mom before the show.’

‘Oh, yeah, we have half an hour before the final call.’ She answered, deciding that it’s not the right moment for the usual nagging. ‘Let’s go to the atrium, it’ll be quieter there.’

Hyuna led him through the crowd as if she knew this place already, confidently guiding him to the atrium. It was really pretty, the architect that was responsible for this building definitely had his time with this one. Large windows brought in a ton of light, making it feel even more spacious than it already was, and Till couldn’t help but stare at the statue in the middle. It was of some Greek goddess, he presumed, holding onto the fabric of her delicate dress in a graceful pose. They sat on a bench across from it, Till’s ears slowly getting used to the quietness of the spacious hall.

When Till’s mom finally picked up, there were about twenty minutes left before the show.

‘Hi, sweetheart! Sorry for not picking up earlier, I’ve been searching for the live broadcasting on the Internet and didn’t see your calls!’ The woman quickly explained, failing to hide the nervousness in her tone. ‘There is a list of brand names on the website, but I don’t know what to look for…’

‘That’s why I was calling you.’ Till smiled, imagining how his mom must’ve googled at least half of the names by now. ‘I’m actually going onto the catwalk in about twenty minutes.’

‘Twenty minutes?! And you’re calling me now?’ She exclaimed. ‘So, it is for ‘CLEMATIS’… You’ve worked with this designer before, right?’

‘Yeah, I’d even go as far as saying that we’re friends with the designer.’ He chuckled, successfully hiding his nervousness from his mother. ‘We’ve prepared everything already so I thought I’d call and talk to you for a bit.’

‘That’s wonderful. Still, I don’t want to steal much time from you…’

‘Don’t worry.’ Till said, not really sure if it was directed at his mom or himself. ‘I’ll do my best, just as always. Everything’s already been checked, so I have a little bit of free time.’

‘My boy, I’d never doubt you! I know you’ll do your best.’ Her voice was so loud now, barely hiding overflow of excitement.

They chatted for a little while, Till asking about her health and listening attentively to her rant about the new plant she bought.

‘You’re such a mama’s boy, you know?’ Hyuna finally said when Till hung up the call, failing to hide her smile. ‘Still so attached to her.’

‘Stop, isn’t it completely normal to call your parents before something big is about to happen?’ Till protested, putting his phone away in his pocket and turning around to face his manager.

‘No, it’s cute.’ She answered honestly. ‘Anyway, we need to go backstage, the show’s about to start.’

She urged him to get up and led him back to the lounge. There was already a line, and Till noticed Ivan standing there and chatting with some other model. Hyuna said something about the show, but he wasn’t listening, his mind already getting hazy as the anxiety picked up for God knows which time for today.

He walked towards the line and stood behind Ivan, squeezing through the line a bit unceremoniously. Not Till’s problem that he was assigned that spot. It’s Sua’s decision to let him go second. She also made him close the show, which was an honor so big Till thought he’d combust right there when it was announced.

‘Still nervous?’ Ivan asked, turning around to face him. ‘You look good, I bet the photographers will love the outfit.’

Till’s mind was going through thousands of mocking replies and teasing remarks about how Ivan looked, but he was afraid of crossing the line now. He can be rude later, now he has to focus on shaking his anxiety away. He decided that mumbling a quiet ‘thanks’ would be enough and, judging by the way Ivan flashed him this stupid friendly smile again, it was a right choice.

Right after that, the clerk went up to them and stood directly across from the models on the other side of the exit, ready to signalize them when their turn is up. Soon, she signalized for Ivan to go forward, and Till watched him confidently stride on the podium. He had to gather up his own confidence quickly, so he did a breathing exercise Hyuna taught him all the way back in the beginning of his career and went ahead as soon as the clerk sent him a sign.

He wore his most neutral expression that all the tabloids praised so much, confidently walking on the podium and showcasing the shirt. The music muffled out his worries and he focused on calculating his steps in his uncomfortable shoes, posing a bit for the cameras when it was the right time. Their clicking sound always made Till feel nice – after all, he really enjoyed all of the attention this career brought him.

Thanks to Sua’s genius, Till got more than enough time to switch between his looks. After changing into his second one, he got a couple of minutes to wait. The thrill was starting to get him, erasing every bit of anxiety and making his head spin a bit.

After he did the second look, Hyuna walked up to him backstage and urged him to drink a bit of water.

‘Thanks, I needed that.’ He quickly took a bottle from her and drank a bit. Looking around, other models were also changing and Till used this chance to sneak a glance at those pieces he didn’t get to see out of Sua’s newest collection yet. All of them looked really good, Sua definitely went out of her way this time. Each and every one of them looked detailed and carefully thought-through, so Till could only hope that right people will notice it too.

Sighing and giving Hyuna the water bottle back, he walked towards the line and waited for his turn. The third and fourth parts of the show were a little bit shorter than the first two, making space for the grand fifth, reserved for riskier pieces.

And then, when time for him to close the show finally came, Till did it with the utmost confidence. When he was showcasing the previous fit, he noticed the representative Hyuna and him had met up with yesterday in the audience, and the anxiety threatened to rush back again, but Till shoved it to the back of his mind. This wasn’t only about him, he needed to do his best for Sua.

The black velvet nicely hugged his figure, drawing attention to his waist. The jacket as a whole was full of sharp cuts, its’ collar that was made in a V-shape and peak lapels gave it a feeling of grandeur, and the pants were tight around his legs, probably emphasizing his lanky figure a bit too much.

Shaking away the insecurity that wanted to creep back, Till walked out on the runway for the last time for today to close the show. The music Sua chose for this part was a bit heavy, so Till tried to match its’ vibe and walked slower than before. His feet also started to hurt a bit from all of the effort he put while controlling his steps in his big shoes, one wrong move and he’ll definitely trip, so he focused on the music, listening to it and timing his pose right at the beat drop.

Flick. Flick. Flick.

Shutters of countless cameras rang through Till’s ears as he wore his bored expression. So many eyes, fixed solely on him, wanting to take the best shot of him.

Having the opportunity to close the show might be the new best thing Till got to experience.

***

There was a rule that Till had to set for himself after his first show back in the day – no social media for two days before and after. He still remembers reading a really rude comment right after he got back home that night. Pride and excitement were still rushing through his veins when he stumbled upon someone accusing him of using his old connections to get his ‘shitty face back in the entertainment industry’. For a seventeen-year-old guy with a terrible self-esteem, that was a bit too much.

And it’s not like he could answer and shut down that nonsense either. The agency suggested suing this person, but at that point getting into another legal thing seemed worse than a nightmare. Besides, he’d learn later that these hate comments, despite their initial intent, pushed him forward. More and more people got to learn about him through this malicious talk, some even ended up making fan accounts which Till occasionally checked out.

He doesn’t know what possessed him to do that today, though. They just got back from the venue, Till is so-so tired after the show and he has to do two more tomorrow, they didn’t even get to watch any other brands, but somehow, he ended up on his phone, scrolling through social media as he tossed on these crazy expensive bedsheets in his hotel room.

The photos that are taken at such events take quite some time to edit, but there were a couple of raw images that fans were already discussing. Someone even managed to snap a pic of him as they were leaving, which should probably creep Till out, but he’d got so used to this type of paparazzi that he’s just numb to it now.

It’s not like he has anything to feed them with, too. Everyone knows that Hyuna is his manager, so they won’t be able to attach any stupid dating rumors, and he’s never in public with anyone else. Unfortunately for them, he is very much friendless, so they can’t come up with a crazy headline when it comes to him.

Or can they?

Till tapped on one of his fan account, the biggest and the oldest one that he secretly followed from his burner account. There were a bunch of posts praising his today’s looks, but what caught his attention was the post asking everyone to report the article on some news platform. He tapped on a link from the post, headline ‘IVAN AND TILL FINALLY AT ONE EVENT, WHO DID IT BETTER?’ staring at him in bold letters. Scrolling down, he started reading what the fuss was about.

‘Ivan, world’s most successful male model and face of Alexander McQueen, finally made his long-awaited comeback at the London Fashion Week. Opening the show for ‘CLEMATIS’ with a stunning twisted black jacket, he proved once again that he’s still in the game, going strong.’

OK, so far nothing crazy. The author of the article clearly has a thing for Ivan, but a lot of other people do, there’s nothing surprising to that. There was a quick overview of the whole show after that, and the journalist was quite generous when it came to praise for Sua, too.

However, his eyes widened when Till got to read what was written about him.

‘As for the new faces, everyone was initially excited for Till’s first appearance at London Fashion Week, but it was met with mixed reactions. A few insiders shared their worry over the current state of the modeling world, complaining that someone who is supposed to rival Ivan in terms of charisma seemed to lack it altogether.’ 

What the fuck? That had to be deliberate, really. Till wasn’t new to the concept of biases or anything, but the person behind this shit had to understand that it would receive backlash. How is this even allowed?

He went back to the initial post, the one that his fan posted, urging people to report it. There were around hundreds replies, everyone worried and angered with it, and his fans’ reaction kind of calmed Till down. He had read a lot about himself in these past years, from crazy speculations about his family to rumors about his sexuality, but this was so… unnecessary?

It’s not surprising that public started to compare him to Ivan already, and Till believes that former is well aware of it, too, but the way this thing was worded was so out-of-place. He genuinely thought he did a good job today, but maybe it wasn’t enough…

After all, the scale was different. Ivan reassured him that it wasn’t that different from Seoul, but looking back now… People definitely noticed him struggle with his shoes. There was a moment when his stride stuttered for a brief moment, but it must’ve left impression of inexperience. The fourth piece was also a bit uncomfortable, cashmere sweater itched in some places so there probably was an unnecessary micro expression on his face that Till failed to hide. Wracking his head with all of his awkward moments of today, tears started to well up in his eyes.

Even the positive things his fans wrote didn’t help.

He failed, again. Like he always knew he would, but was never willing to admit.

Suddenly, a knock on the door pushed him out of his thoughts, and Till remembered that Hyuna suggested checking out the hotel’s restaurant. She had read somewhere that their dinners were the best, so she insisted on them going after getting some rest.

And he completely forgot about that because of this stupid article.

Should he tell Hyuna about it? The fans will probably get the author to edit it, but maybe the agency could try and sue the author… No, it must be too much. No one would go to such lengths for him. Besides, it’s not an article that was solely dedicated to him. Hell, it might not even be the only one that discussed his lack of presence, maybe he actually did a shitty job and this is a fair criticism.

‘Hey, still up to…’ Hyuna noticed that something was off right away, despite Till’s attempts to put on a believable smile. ‘What happened?’

‘Nothing, just tired.’

‘Liar.’

‘Am not.’

‘You are.’

‘I’m not.’ Till sighed, avoiding eye contact. ‘Sorry, I lost track of time and couldn’t get ready yet. Can you wait a bit?’

‘Here we go again, changing topics.’ His manager kept studying his face, trying to find something in his expression that would give it away. ‘It’s OK, I’ll wait here.’

She invited herself in and plopped onto his bed, looking around the room while Till hid in the bathroom to get changed. At moments like this, he couldn’t help but feel so immature. Of course, people will say things, it’s a given for a public figure. It’s embarrassing how much he still lets it affect him.

So what if these people believe that Ivan’s better than him? It won’t be like that for long. Till will prove that he’s better than him, he just needs some more time…

Still, it’s hard not to blame the other man for being so… extraordinary. If it wasn’t for someone like Ivan who everyone believed to be endowed with some sort of crazy natural magnetism, if all people had to compare Till to were average guys, there wouldn’t be any articles like this one. They’d see how talented Till was on his own, but no, there had to be someone so…

Wait, he still can spin it all around. It might be a dirty way to play, but he still has a chance to turn things in his favor.

And these stupid people who want to compare them so badly will help him get that.

After all, bad publicity is still publicity. 

Chapter Text

Emotions are hard.

If Ivan was to ever explain the concept of ‘feelings’, he’d struggle with coming up with any coherent answer. To him, they are like a blur of fireworks as you stare at them with your eyes filled with tears, bright but incoherent. It is a mixture of countless sensations that a normal person should be able to put into one word, like ‘sadness’ or ‘happiness’, maybe something in between. But Ivan never really figured out how to use these words.

There was simply not enough space for them in his life.

What he knew very well, though, was a sense of duty. If Ivan’s parents expected him to deliver a good performance at the annual concert, he needed to make it outstanding. He would spend hours playing piano until his fingers started to twitch, struggling to find right keys as the melody that used to sound so coherent and good turned into a cacophony of sounds.

If his parents wanted him to get perfect grades, he needed to get them. It wasn’t even up for debate. It’s not unusual for a Korean family to be obsessed with academics, but Ivan’s parents took it to another level. Anything under 97% would be considered a failure, earning him a bunch of names from his father. That’s why the only things Ivan remembers about his teenage years are textbooks piled onto one another, the light of dawn hitting windows of his bedroom before he even considered going to sleep and the hurt in his right wrist from writing down all of his assignments.

Ivan wanted to be perfect for his parents.

If it meant giving up on some things, he would.

If it meant that he had to smile through the pain, he would.

If it meant betraying himself, he…

The cup of patience eventually overflowed. Looking back, Ivan knows that it was only a matter of time. The fact that he managed to go through high school without throwing everything away was already pretty impressive, but he just couldn’t keep it going.

The moment his parents brought up his future, talking about it as if everything has already been decided without him, Ivan realized he had to fight back.

‘Actually, I want to go to a fashion school.’

This little hobby, the only one that Ivan had, was no secret to his parents. In fact, it was his mom who first got him interested in fashion back in the day. She used to buy these really thick magazines about fashion and Ivan would often steal them to look through each one on his own. He would read about these big brands and their stories of success, memorize the stories behind his favorite collections and dream of the time when he finally will get to create his own brand, making extravagant clothes that would be worn by the prettiest models in the world.

Still, in the picture-perfect version of Ivan’s future that his parents had carefully crafted for him, there was no place for fashion. Like for any other extra emotion or any warmth that a child should receive from their parents, natural and unconditional.

The tension in the air of their kitchen was palpable, silence uncomfortably sticking to Ivan’s skin. Cutting it short, his father hit his bowl with metal chopsticks, sound so sharp it made his mother flinch.

‘Fashion school?’ Ivan’s father glared at him from across the table. ‘What kind of nonsense is this?’

‘Honey, are you sure about that?’ His mother chimed in, worry written all over her face. ‘I think you have to give it some more thought. Wouldn’t it be smarter to study math or…’

‘It’s my final decision.’ Ivan didn’t relent, knowing that it was his only chance. ‘I’ve already made up my portfolio and…’

‘What gave you an impression that you had the freedom to choose?’

His father never got physical. There would often be showers of insults, angry looks and silent treatment at times when he got extremely annoyed with Ivan. But when Ivan said that it’s his life and his choices, a hand hit his cheek so hard his vision blacked out for a second.

‘Darling, stop!’ Ivan heard his mother scream, chair loudly hitting the floor as she raised from her place and tried to drag her husband away.

‘You think I’ll allow that?’ Ivan heard his father say, although it felt like there was a layer of water in his ears, muffling out some sounds. ‘You think you’ll get to do something we do not approve of?’

Hands quickly flew to the collar of his favorite T-shirt, clenching the fabric and holding Ivan up a bit. His father, who was only a few centimeters taller than him, now towered over him, showing the clear difference in their strength. His own hands rose up to grab onto his father’s forearms, urging him to pull away, but the man didn’t budge.

‘For someone who is usually so obedient, you’re acting up too much now.’

He growled and pushed Ivan down. The loud thud of his back against the floor sent his mom into some sort of hysteria, it seemed, as she cried really loudly, begging for them to stop arguing, begging for Ivan to take his words back. His cheek still burned where the slap had landed before, and Ivan couldn’t help but hiss as dull pain in his lower back persisted.

‘Father, I’ve had enough.’ He finally got up, backing away a bit in an attempt to create at least a little bit of space between them. ‘I’ve tried being perfect for you my whole entire life, but I cannot pretend anymore. I’m tired.’

‘Tired?! What do you know about being tired?!’ The man screamed, holding back from hitting his son again for some reason. ‘You’re not allowed to complain, Ivan!’

‘And I never did!’ He argued, voice shaky and loud. ‘I was always trying my best, doing everything you wanted me to do, I never complained! Always tried my best, but it was never enough! And the first time I want to choose something for myself…’

‘You don’t know what you’re talking about.’ His father cut him off, ignoring how his wife literally begged him to keep quiet. ‘Go off, do whatever the fuck you want, Ivan. It’s not like a person as shallow as you are can succeed in this. Just don’t expect me to help you after you fail.’ 

Shallow?

Well, maybe Ivan’s father was right about that. Because not long after the school started, he started struggling. As someone who never got a chance to go to art school and was self-taught, Ivan quickly came to realize how much of the things he was… wrong about when it came to basics. He also had no idea how to photoshop things, didn’t know anything about specifics of certain fabrics when all of his classmates looked as if they were born with all the necessary knowledge. He’d spend nights re-reading all of the assigned literature, looking up runway shows from the world-famous fashion brands and trying to come up with his unique ideas, but he continued struggling.

One day after his Clothing Construction class his professor asked him to stay after the class and told him about his reservations in regards to his studies.

‘I don’t want to sound condescending, but I don’t think this program suits you, Ivan.’

‘What do you mean, professor? I’m getting good grades now and our last project for this class…’

‘You are going good, yeah, but…’ She sighed, staring down at the table as she searched for the right words. ‘It’s clear that there’s a huge gap between you and everyone else. The skills are one thing, you might get a hang of it, but the vision… You don’t seem to have it.’

‘Vision?’ Ivan felt his mouth go dry, understanding the implications. ‘You mean that…’

‘There are just some things in life… It’s either you have it or you don’t. Like ear for music or talent for math. It’s like that in fashion, too. You have to understand the meaning behind it all. Otherwise, it will be seen as shallow and disingenuous.’

Shallow. Disingenuous.

That must’ve been rather unprofessional of that lady to say such cruel things to him. And if he were a little bit more confident in himself at that point in time, he wouldn’t even have taken her words this close to heart. But back then, young and naïve eighteen-year-old Ivan didn’t think that it was really rude and unnecessary.

He only thought of how his father ended up being right.

The thought of their last argument haunted him every day, reminding Ivan that he failed. Just like his father knew he would. And now… he had nothing. After dropping out, he had to settle in a one-room apartment in a really old building, right outside Seoul, and working at the nearest convenience store to get by.

He needed money to drink, after all.

Alcohol was the only thing that managed to erase the shame, at least for a little bit. When he got drunk, nothing mattered. He finally felt at peace as his third bottle of soju fell down onto the floor, no drops left, his mind clear and eyes heavy with exhaustion.

Of course, this magical effect didn’t last for too long, but it didn’t matter.

Even one minute out of this nightmare that his life turned into was enough. In other times, when he had to go to work for another nightshift, he’d just… dissociate. Move on autopilot, greet and say goodbye. Organize the shelves, check price tags and work at the checkout.

What else was there to do for a dropout like him? He could try and retake his exams next year, enroll in a university somewhere else, where the tuition fee won’t get him in insurmountable debt, make up with his parents, apologize to his father and…

No, there was no going back. This was his life now – miserable and lonely.

Beep.

He fished out his phone from the pockets of his worn-out jeans, looking at the broken screen.

[sua] Hey, Ivan! I need your help with something

It was Sua, his former classmate. Really talented girl, always tried to be nice to him whenever he asked her advice. Sua will definitely go far with her vision, there was no doubt about that. Ivan could never compare. They weren’t friends or anything, at least Ivan didn’t think they were, so to get a message from her after almost a year after he dropped out was really unexpected.

[ivan] Hello, Sua. What do you need?

[sua] Well, we’re currently doing a project for Fashion Styling class and I really need someone to model for me. Need a couple of pictures taken that would explore a couple of different techniques

Why is she telling him all that? It’s like rubbing wound in the salt – he should be doing the same, but he is sitting here, in his shabby apartment, surrounded by bottles of alcohol and cups of instant noodles that he should probably throw out already.

[sua] I need you to model for me

Model.

[ivan] Why me?

[sua] Don’t make me write that, dude. Look in the mirror or something

Oh, Ivan does look in the mirror. Sometimes he stares at his own reflection for way too long in hopes to see… something. Maybe a flicker of hope in his lifeless dark eyes, but all he ends up seeing is the ghost of the person he used to be. Dark circles under his eyes, chapped lips and irritated skin. That’s all there is.

[ivan] I’m sorry, but I won’t be able to help.

[sua] Why?

[ivan] I can’t model.

[sua] Why?

[ivan] I’m not in shape right now.

And that was supposed to be the end of it. Ivan was done with fashion. He doesn’t want it in his life in any capacity. All of his dreams had shattered already, he has nothing. For now, he needs to save up some money and make a serious decision about what comes next…

But Sua had other plans. She basically bombarded him with messages, claiming that he had to help her. Ivan didn’t understand what even got to her, why she was so adamant on him modeling for that project.

After what seemed to be hundreds of pleading messages, Ivan reluctantly agreed. At the end of the day, that was just a couple of photos for some uni project, nothing huge. They’d quickly take these stupid pictures and he would start thinking about his options…

Unless the Universe has some other plan for him.

‘Hello, is this Ivan?’ The male voice on the other end asked, excitement barely disguised. ‘I’m from SG Agency, do you have a minute?’

SG Agency. Isn’t it one of the biggest modeling agencies in Korea?

It must’ve been really rude of him to keep silent for so long, but he just didn’t expect to pick up his phone and hear this. Usually, he’d receive calls from banks and his landlord, so he picked it up without even looking at the number and expected it to be either of the two options.

The ice cream that Ivan was about to pick up from the refrigerator and buy fell out of his hand, back to other packages of the same flavor. He quickly closed the refrigerator and walked out of the convenience store, not wanting to have a talk with someone so important inside of a 7-Eleven.

‘Hello, yes, it’s me. How can I help?’

‘Our intern stumbled upon your pictures on the Internet. Would you be interested in a modeling career?’

Modeling career. That’s… a set of words he didn’t want to consider. Sure, Sua also tried to hint at that, too, when they had met up for this exact photoshoot that earned him this call, but Ivan needed to move on.

Still, just when he was about to say that he wasn’t interested and apologized, Ivan felt some weird urge inside to say ‘yes’. Part of him still wanted to be connected to fashion. He had heard stories of people starting off like this, gaining experience and trying things out for themselves in design after they are out of their prime as models.

Maybe, he could still learn? Maybe, he’d be able to find his vision, too?

‘Yes, I’m interested.’

***

Ivan and Sua had a tradition – every time they ended up in the same city, they’d go out to catch up on everything that they weren’t been able to talk about through the messages. Since both of them moved abroad and became well-established figures in the fashion industry, there has been little to no time to meet up like this, so when they finally ended up together in London, Sua decided to take Ivan to this really cool restaurant that she had found not too long ago.

But unlike any other time, when she would stare at Ivan expectantly, waiting for him to tell her about all the new things that had happened since the last time they met up like this, Sua’s eyes were glued to her phone.

‘What’s up with these heart eyes of yours?’ Ivan asked as he chewed on his steak. Sua didn’t lie; this place was actually good. ‘I’ve never seen you like this.’

‘What heart eyes?’ She finally looked up from her phone, her salad still untouched. ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’

‘Come on, you know that we’re in the same boat here.’ He chuckled lightly, sipping on his apple juice. ‘Who is she?’

‘Ugh, dude…’ Sua finally hid her phone in the pocket of her jacket, trying to show that she doesn’t want to continue this conversation. ‘How are you still so energetic after this long ass day?’

‘Trying to change the subject? That must be serious.’

‘Dude, you’re insufferable.’

‘Thanks, I get that a lot.’

Sua looks down at her salad, something clearly bothering her. She always went silent when she felt confused, losing herself in myriads of thoughts, one worse than the other. Problem is – Ivan was practically the same, and both of them knew that, so he didn’t feel like he had any right to call her out for that.

‘It’s… Mizi.’ She finally said, looking at Ivan and already expecting his scolding. ‘We got back together.’

Sighing loudly, Ivan looked down at his steak. It’s not like it was all that unexpected, but he really hoped that Sua finally found some courage to move on.

Three years ago, they got invited to a party hosted by a big fashion magazine in Paris. There were so many people, old acquittances and new faces, that it got overwhelming for Ivan quicker than it usually did. Sua was chatting off with some designer she wanted to catch up with in the corner of a huge fancy room, and Ivan was about to tell her that he wanted to go home and they should catch a cab or something.

‘Excuse me, you’re Ivan, right?’ A voice from behind called, making Ivan turn to face the stranger. It was a girl with extremely long pink hair, short black dress and an awkward smile on her face. ‘Sorry, you must be busy, but I don’t really know anyone here and… I’m a little bit lost.’

Ivan quickly learned that the girl’s name is Mizi, she is an influencer and was invited to be someone’s plus one, but she lost them in the crowd and no one else knew Korean so she decided to approach him and ask for help.

Ivan would consider this another weird twist of fate that this person Mizi got there with ended up being Sua’s old acquittance she was chatting with. All four of them ended up in a conversation, Ivan’s intention to leave earlier long forgotten as he listened to all the gossip that Mizi was telling them.

It also didn’t escape Ivan’s attention how much Sua was staring at the pink-haired girl that night – dark and possessive.

It wouldn’t take much long for them to start dating. Ivan was happy for them, really, because he knew how hard it was for Sua to let people in. These feelings also seemed to help Sua with her work – it’s in that period of time when ‘CLEMATIS’ actually got big. The collections that Sua released back when Mizi and her were together were just different. For anyone with eyes it’d be clear that all of the outfits were done with someone really special in mind. Even her men’s collection that she went to Seoul with that year was so delicate and novel that Ivan couldn’t help but feel a little bit jealous.

And the break up… Well, it was terrible, to say the least. Ivan always warned Sua that they were too codependent, that it won’t end well, but she never listened. As a friend, there was not much that he could do besides offering a shoulder she could cry on.

Of course, knowing their whole story together, it’s not surprising that Sua decided to go back. Still, Ivan found it rather hard to find the right words. Maybe, he’s not that good of a friend, really.

‘I mean… It’s not like I can stop you, right?’ He finally said after it got a bit too awkward. ‘Just be careful, please. I don’t want you to get hurt again.’

‘Of course. I know what I’m doing.’ Sua replied, hand reaching her glass of wine. ‘I just… I knew I couldn’t live without her, you know? We talked things through, apologized to each other properly and… I feel so happy, Ivan.’

Ivan looked down at his steak again, thoughts mixing up and making his head spin. He had never been in love, how should he know? He’s glad to hear that Sua is happy and he can only hope that it stays this way. He doesn’t want to see her that sad ever again, but… He doesn’t get it.

He’d never go back to someone who hurt him so bad. After all, he still hadn’t made up with his parents after all these years, after all of their attempts to reach out and apologize. Why would he do it for anyone else?

‘I’m glad to hear it.’ He ends up saying, not certain in his words.

The conversation drifts into another direction and they end up talking about work again. They discuss current trends, new collections that got presented today and their plans for the next couple of months. Sua’s going to travel a lot in hopes of opening a couple of new spots for ‘CLEMATIS’ across the world and Ivan’s going to shoot a music video with a really popular singer in Milan before he heads back to New York.

‘Wow, you do such things now?’

‘Well, Isaac got me into that somehow. It shouldn’t be too hard, but I’m kinda nervous about that.’

‘I’m sure you’ll do fine.’ Sua mumbled, already a little bit tipsy. ‘After all, you’re the best model out there…’

‘Stop with that flattery.’

‘No, I’m serious!’ She protests, swinging her glass at him. ‘Although I’d say that Till’s about to catch up to you… Do you know that people have already started to compare you two? I’ve read a couple of articles like – ick – that.’

‘Me and Till?’ His eyebrows flied up in disbelief, apple juice suddenly tasting weirdly in his mouth. ‘What do you mean by that?’

‘You’re always so oblivious.’ Sua hiccupped a little, turning red as the embarrassment creept up.’ It’s only natural that people will compare you. Even your stories are kind of alike when I think about it… And Till’s only getting bigger. He got that deal with LV secured, you know.’

Drunk Sua always equaled chatty Sua, and Ivan thought he got used to it. He never minded it, not even considering his personal awful history with alcohol, but right now he wished she followed his example and became a teetotaler.

It’s not like he knew much about Till, only hearing bits and pieces from fellow colleagues. They all seemed to agree in one thing – that guy was a handful. Still, he knew that Sua held him in high regard, always praising him whenever he came up in conversation, so Ivan never really bothered to believe in all of the gossip that the fashion world is full of.

Besides, he got to meet the guy and… He didn’t seem that bad? Maybe even a little bit too self-conscious, if Ivan was to describe what he saw. Sure, he was also really nervous when he got his first show abroad, but with Till…

Something was clearly up with that guy. That’s why Ivan tried to ease him up with a bit of advice, polite smiles and positive encouragement.

‘I just don’t get all that... Isn’t there more than enough space for two big male models? Why would they need to compare us? Both him and I are just doing our job.’

‘Mhm, there is.’ Sua nodded, frowning at her empty glass. ‘But the public loves rumors and gossip. And they’ll certainly try to make you bump heads every chance they get.’

‘Tsk, can they not?’ Ivan grumbled, already imagining how stupid that can get. ‘All this media play is so annoying…’

‘On a serious note, though…’ His friend looked him right in the eye, expression twisted in worry. ‘You gotta be careful. I can’t tell Till that, we’re not that close, but…’

‘I will, don’t worry.’ He said, finishing his steak. ‘The last thing I’ll be doing is feeding these tabloids with some gossip.’

Sua pursed her lips, looking away to stare at the window and getting lost in her thoughts.

Chapter Text

Frankly speaking, there wasn’t much going on in Ivan’s life.

Sure, there was a lot of work, he had his fair share of responsibilities as the face of Alexander McQueen, several photoshoots every week and occasional interviews that he begged Isaac to spare him from, but his manager always insisted that he needed to make appearances somewhere else besides runways and promo campaigns. Even when he took a break from runway shows last year when he needed time to settle down in New York, there were still these little things that Ivan had to do – social media, networking, filming a couple of ads…

But nothing that he did before could prepare him for how hard it would be to film a music video.

First of all, Ivan is not an actor. Whatever he did for promotional campaigns, when he had to pose for the camera and look bored, couldn’t compare to the amount of effort that is needed for a music video. For this to turn out good, Ivan had to connect with his character and try to portray his emotions as honestly as possible.

And maybe this isn’t anything crazy, but for someone who struggles to understand his own emotions…

Then, Ivan learned that him and the singer would have to kiss for one of the scenes. Of course they’d have to – the song for which this video was being shot is a love song. This singer was famous for exploring romance in her lyrics, so no wonder the video had to match the theme and include some scenes that would showcase the closeness of lyrical characters.

Towards the end of the storyline, there would be this one critical shot where she and Ivan would be kissing in the rain, when their characters finally reunite after they went through dozens of hardships on their ways back to each other.

At first glance, there was nothing crazy about it. It was a typical story, one that supposed to complement the song and provide some symbolism and a positive message that true love prevails and happiness is worth fighting for.

But for Ivan, this was a huge issue.

As someone who had never been in a real relationship, all these stories seemed so foreign, so confusing and impossible to grasp. Sure, there were more than enough people throughout his life who, charmed by his looks, tried to get closer to him, both girls and guys, but Ivan never… felt anything in return. These people would try to win him over, different approaches and all kinds of effort, but it never swayed him, and all of them left, one by one, disappointed and convinced that there was nothing to Ivan besides ‘a pretty face’.

He wished he could argue with them, prove them wrong and tell everyone that he just hadn’t met this right person yet. That somewhere out there, there was someone who could understand Ivan. Someone who could see his struggles, share lonely nights with him, help him understand himself better. It’s just that the time isn’t right yet. He was always so busy with work and there’s also media hunting for some sort of sensation, and Ivan simply refused to give them what they want.

That’s why he wasn’t out. Ivan earned this image of a cold, distant guy, someone who prefers to remain mysterious, so it was only natural that tabloids would be on his tail in search of something that would get them a big headline. There were already enough articles speculating about reasons behind his ‘disappearance’ last year, and it wasn’t not hard to imagine what kind of things these people would write about him being gay.

Thinking that it might be the way his parents learn about this also scared him beyond words.

So, whenever he ended up picking up a guy after some outing and taking him to his place, which was rare but still happened sometimes, after he got too pent up from all the work, hush money and fake promises would ensure that Ivan’s sexuality remained hidden from the public.

But this music video… It was certainly a challenge Ivan regretted picking up already, adorned with risks and doubts that drove him crazy.

And if sense of duty wasn’t hammered in him from the young age, he might’ve backed out. That would’ve been the logical answer. No paycheck was worth it, but he already agreed and promised to take his part.

That’s how he ended up here, on the set, still feeling a bit uncertain. The mansion that was rented out for the filming stood tall in front of Ivan, its’ grand columns proving that this is not a simple building, but something that was crafted according to famous Italian traditions.   

‘Oh, Ivan’s finally here!’ He heard someone exclaim happily and soon a girl ran towards him, smiling wide and pulling him in for a hug. ‘It’s so nice to finally meet you in person!’

Ivan awkwardly hugged the girl back, figuring that it was Amy, the singer he is supposed to film with. She was much shorter than him, so he had to crouch down a bit and lightly wrapped his arms around her.

‘It’s a pleasure to meet you, Amy.’ He responded politely, putting on his usual work smile and pulling away. ‘I look forward to working with you.’

The girl backed away a bit, still grinning at him. Ivan quickly looked over, noticing that Amy was already done with her preparations. She had double ponytails, bangs nicely framing her face, light makeup on and flimsy pink dress that would match the vibe of the few happier scenes that they would film today.

‘I believe it’s your first time filming something like this, right?’ Amy asked, looking at him with some sort of curiosity. ‘Don’t think about it too much, I’ll guide you through every step.’

‘Thank you, it’s very kind of you.’

His outfit for today was quite simple, a tight white shirt and plain black pants that were a little bit too tight for him, but it’s not like Ivan wasn’t used to wearing things a size too little for him, so he didn’t even think of complaining. His hair was also done by the stylist they had on set, who decided to bare his forehead and let a couple of stands fall over. Quickly checking himself with the help of his phone front camera, Ivan rose up from the chair, thanked the stylist and started looking for Amy and her manager, an older lady who was supposed to give them a rundown of today’s shooting.

The first day is simple. They needed to take a couple of shots inside the mansion, some of them solo and some of them together. It was hard to get into the mood, so Amy guided Ivan through their joint scenes and gave hints as to when and what to do, whispering reassuring words and smiling happily at him. All of these gestures made Ivan wonder – was she also having some ulterior motives?

It’s not like people didn’t try to get to him through work, too. There were many interviewers who thought they could get in his pants after they were done with recording, photographers with their inappropriate comments and other models who invited him out, barely disguising their motives behind polite smiles and sweet compliments. So, Ivan wouldn’t be too surprised if Amy was going for the same thing.

The last part that they had to film for their first shooting day was a scene in the garden, where they would have to sit on a bench, fiddling with flowers which Ivan’s character picked up for his girlfriend.

‘Ivan, can you try to smile a little bit more?’ The director asked after stopping the shooting and walking up to them. ‘This scene is supposed to be a happy one, but your expression is ruining that.’

‘Hey, don’t be so harsh!’ Amy spoke first, still leaning onto Ivan’s shoulder despite the fact that the camera wasn’t on. ‘It’s his first time filming something like this, of course it’s hard for him to get everything right from the get-go.’

Ivan blinked up at the director, sighing loudly and thinking about Amy’s excessive enthusiasm.

‘Sorry, director.’ He settled on a simple apology and bowed a little, a habit that no one outside of Korea really looked into. ‘I will try to do better.’

‘And since when do you pamper your partners like this?’ The director turned a bit to face Amy, eyebrows up in confusion. ‘What happened to strict and professional Amy?’

Oh, so Ivan was right – the girl wanted this to turn into something real. Quite naïve of her to believe that it can work, but there’s not much Ivan can do.

It’s just another person he’ll have to let down.

***

Soon enough, Ivan gets used to playing this role. On their third day at the set, he starts to get a hang of what the director expects him to do and acts accordingly.

A wider smile in happier scenes, a weaker one in sadder. It’s because of this dichotomy that he had to follow that made Ivan realize that his smile never reached his eyes, even during his most proud and happy moments. The director kept scolding him for not trying, claiming that his expression looked ‘inauthentic’, but then just sighed and settled on the shot that looked the best.

What Ivan also had to get used to was Amy’s attentive gaze on him. Her eyes basically never left him, always watching him. When their eyes met, he could see with how much adoration she looked at him. At least that what Ivan thought it was. Her eyes lit up even more than they shined before, and Amy would always smile shyly after looking away.

Another downside of his busy life was that he didn’t have anyone he could talk about this to. Sure, there was Sua, but thinking about reaching out to her and burdening her with his thoughts after her life just got back to normal seemed wrong to Ivan. Complaining about some celebrity having a crush on him sounded… terrible and a bit arrogant.

So, he had to figure it out on his own.

With their fifth, last day of filming, came the kissing scene. It would be really embarrassing to admit, but Ivan couldn’t fall asleep the night before, thinking about it. The fact that Amy was certainly crushing on him just made this ten times worse than it already was, and he couldn’t help but pray they’ll be able to do it in one take.

‘I’m so excited for today!’ Amy said as soon as they entered the filming site. The crew found an abandoned road and brought up all of the necessary equipment, cameras set up and ready to film. ‘Do you remember director’s instructions?’

Of course he remembered. The man pulled him out of the crowd yesterday and gave him a long lecture on how he could fuck up every other scene but this one and ran him through basic steps once again. Ivan still remembered the instructions from the first day, so it was unnecessary, but it would be rude of him to tell the man that.

‘Yeah, just pretend that it’s all real and feel it in my heart.’ Ivan repeated the director’s words, feeling slightly annoyed as he remembered the harsh tone of the man’s voice. ‘Sorry if I fuck it up again.’

‘No, you don’t need to apologize! Acting is hard and I know you’re doing your absolute best. In fact,’ she said while she ran in front of Ivan and grabbed onto his shoulders, ‘I believe you just need to relax and try to enjoy it as much as you can.’

People are weird. What is there to enjoy in all of this? Ivan had a really different definition of ‘enjoyable’, one that didn’t include anything work-related. Work was always about responsibility, structure, schedule and system, but not about happiness or enjoyment. But he couldn’t possibly tell anyone that, let alone a girl he barely knew.

The only thought that helped him calm down a bit was that it’d be over soon. He’d go back to New York and lock himself in his apartment for a week, where he’d be able to enjoy his collection of music in peace and drink coffee as the rain would loudly knock outside, droplets crushing into his windows with a demanding thud.

So, he just had to endure a little bit more to finally get back into his safe haven.

This time, the stylist went with the total-black look and decided that his usual hairstyle would look the best for the scene. For contrast, they got Amy a short white dress, and Ivan could only wonder why their stylist decided to give her these ridiculously high heels for this scene.

‘Are you sure you don’t want to ask for a different pair of shoes?’ Ivan asked her, genuinely concerned. ‘These look really uncomfortable.’

‘It’s fine, don’t worry.’ Amy reassured him, smiling brightly and clinging to him, hands wrapped around his right arm. ‘I just wish I could get taller somehow…’

Finally, they were ready to film. The staff brought out hoses to imitate rain and they started acting out the scene. Ivan noticed that Amy struggled to run towards him, legs wobbly, and he briefly thought if he should stop the scene before she falls, but before he knew that – they were meeting in the middle of the set and kissing.

Yeah, kissing girls never felt nice. This time isn’t any different. He remembers their director’s instructions and tries to tightly hug Amy as their lips brush lightly against each other, but it’s so hard when all Ivan wants to do is run away.

‘Cut!’ The director screamed, his happy tone surprising Ivan. ‘This is perfect, guys!’

Ivan could only stare at the man in surprise, not sure how they managed to do this scene in one try.

As the stuff rushed to help them dry off and give them fresh clothes to change into, Ivan thought back to the scene. He’d probably sound like a madman if he told anyone that all of this didn’t sound romantic to him. A bit touching at best, but the whole story…

Suddenly, he thought of his parents. Their marriage was one of convenience, equally beneficial to both of them, so Ivan had to grow up watching them try to pretend there was something more, that there was love. Their awkward hugs, half-truths that they gave each other at the dinner table and his mother’s shaking voice when she realized her husband got mad again.

Ivan often heard people around him speak about love, gossiping about crushes and secret feelings, but he never felt like he’d ever be able to engage in such a conversation.

After all, how is he supposed to know what to look for? Sure, he still foolishly hoped he’d find the right person, but what if he just… fails to recognize them because of his inexperience?

Shaking his head in a weak attempt to stop his mind from mixing personal and professional stuff, he walked over to talk with the crew and discuss their plans for the evening, drowning these thoughts with the outer noise.

***

The bar they decided to go to is loud.

Of course, no one knew how uncomfortable such places made Ivan feel. Suddenly, he’d be back in his old apartment not far away from Seoul, finishing yet another bottle of cheap alcohol in order to forget, and the feeling these memories brought him makes Ivan nauseous. But projects often ended with an outing like this. It would either be a fancy restaurant or a bar, and how Ivan wished it was the former this time. He had already been incredibly tired, but now he had to endure spending several hours of stupid questions and suffocating seclusion of the bar.

Finally, after what seemed to be ages but must’ve been only a couple of hours, Ivan excused himself and went out to ‘catch some fresh air’. The air was cold, just like it often is in early March in Europe, but Ivan didn’t mind. He just tugged on his scarf, readjusting it, and took his phone out.

Leaning on the wall, Ivan mindlessly scrolled through his social media, looking for something interesting. When he was about to put it away, disappointed that nothing could try to entertain him, Ivan heard the door open, Amy walking out of the bar, clearly wanting to have some private conversation.

‘Hey, you’ve been out for a while…’ She started, approaching him. She leaned onto the wall, mirroring Ivan’s pose and looking at him expectantly. ‘Are you OK?’

‘Yeah, I’m fine, just a bit tired.’

Not a lie, just not the whole truth.

‘I’m sorry.’ She said and Ivan turned to face her, brows furrowed. ‘I know that using my work to get to my crush is bad manners, but…’

Ivan didn’t know how to respond. He didn’t expect Amy to be so straightforward, but he can’t say that he’s a little bit relieved that she brought it up first.

‘Well, you can rest assured that you’re not the only one who tried that.’

Maybe, that sounded rude, but at least he’s honest. Besides, it didn’t seem to faze the girl as she continued to stare at him with sad eyes.

‘Still, I know that it was stupid of me.’ Amy said, looking up, at the sky. ‘It’s just… I thought that if I get you to act for my music video, something would change. My feelings or… yours. But it was childish of me to hope for something like this.’

‘It’s not stupid.’ Ivan argued, following the path in which Amy’s gaze was directed. The moon was shining rather brightly today, captivating his attention. ‘You just… ended up liking the wrong person, that’s all. Don’t beat yourself up about it, it happens.’

‘Do you have someone?’ She blurted out, blushing so much because she definitely didn’t expect herself to just say that.

‘Wow, you’re incredibly straightforward.’ Ivan had to fight a smile.

She sighed, looking back at Ivan. Her eyes were glossy, but Ivan struggled to feel much pity for her. This had happened way too many times for him to feel anything towards such a scene. Still, there was a pang of guilt when he thought of how nice this girl was to him.

Fuck, maybe she genuinely liked him.

‘I just don’t get it… It’s either you have someone or…’

The silence was so loud between them. Ivan couldn’t think that quickly and there was not enough time for him to deny whatever conclusion she came to. After all, it’s not that hard to guess, either. If anyone else decided to look a little bit further, like Amy just did, they’d arrive to a similar conclusion.

‘Do I have to beg you to keep it a secret?’ Ivan looked at her, studying the girl’s expression. He expects to see disgust or shock, but her face is just twisted by some emotion he can’t manage to find name for.

‘Who do you take me for?’ She asked in disbelief, her lips curling in a weak smile. ‘But I have a question.’

‘What is it?’

‘Have you ever been in a relationship?’

‘Does it matter?’

‘Not really, I just feel like…’ She suddenly stopped, not sure if she had already overstepped too many boundaries. ‘You look like someone who needs it.’

‘What does it even mean?’

‘I just noticed… I’ve seen many people: lonely, heartbroken, genuinely disinterested. But you look like… You look like you haven’t found that spark yet. Thought I could be the one to help you with it, but maybe there’s a guy who’d be more fit for it?’

Amy didn’t let him respond, leaving him as the door to the bar closed behind her.

Her words refused to leave Ivan’s mind for a few more minutes, causing havoc inside. All of the sudden, they crushed into a crazy thought.

Ivan suddenly thought of Till.

Chapter Text

Till was convinced that time wasn’t a real thing.

Since they came back from London, all he did was work. It came to a point when he believed that his agency truly wanted him dead. Of course, they just wanted to ride that high wave after his partnership with ‘Louis Vuittton’ just got announced, and everyone, including Hyuna, thought that it would be a perfect moment for him to go as mainstream as possible.

Variety shows appearances, interviews, even more photoshoots than before… It was already making his head spin. In a desperate attempt to ground himself, Till went out to grab some late-night snack from the nearest shop, but got jumpscared by his own face staring at him from a glossy magazine cover, stuffed in between newspapers on a shelf with all the press.

Blinking at it in some sort of haze, disbelief and pride tugging in his chest at the same time, he quickly looked around to see if there were any people close to him and, after confirming that there was nobody around,  took the magazine from the shelf. Flipping through the pages, Till quickly found a section about him and realized that there was a rather big chunk of pages dedicated solely to him. Till skimmed through all of them, critically watching the selection of photos that the editing team decided to include in the final cut.

Have people already noticed that I’m copying him?

Besides the crazy changes to his already packed schedule, there was one thing that Till added to his daily routine.

Every day, right before going to sleep, Till would have…

A study session, if you will.

To figure out what your next steps should be, you have to understand the strategy that your closest competitors use to remain at the top. Need to see what their most successful campaign is, what words they choose for their interviews, what people see in them. There is a pattern to everything, a set of rules that one has to follow to keep people interested for the longest time, and Till just needed to figure out what the right steps were.

And who would be a better candidate for a study like that other than Ivan?

Luckily for Till, there was plenty of material to work with. Older and newer interviews, his photoshoots before and after he became the face of Alexander McQueen, countless of fan-accounts that were constantly fawning over the man, all praise and adoration. Till just had to discern the formula behind Ivan’s success and, using his rival’s own strategy, slowly outshine him.

Poses, choice of words, his strategic rare appearances on social media, facial expressions that Till still struggled to copy. There were a lot of things to take to note.

But besides that, there were also a couple of unusual moments that Till had noticed. It’s not like it was his first time doing such extensive research on someone, so he had his fair share of experience to say that a couple of things about Ivan seemed… off.

First of all, it turned out that there was practically not a single bad thing written about Ivan, which looked suspicious to Till.

Usually, when it came to someone relatively famous, there would be at least a couple of articles with all sorts of rumors. These would discuss the person’s not so pretty road to fame, relationships, sexuality and plastic surgery. However, when it came to Ivan, all of the articles regarding him would keep it strictly professional. Even when he took his long break and sat out a couple of important shows of the last season, they only talked whether or not this pause was caused by health issues or something personal, but none of them delved deeper into the topic, as if they knew that they weren’t allowed to pry.

The other suspicious thing was that there was practically nothing about Ivan’s backstory.

Sure, not everyone is like Till, who had a significant part of his childhood documented on the Internet, with some of his old appearances from the past resurfacing every once in a while, but there had to be at least something about the man’s past before he got into modeling. But, no matter how hard Till searched, there was nothing beside really basic information, like Ivan’s birthday and when he graduated high school. Nothing about his parents, if they approved of his career choice or not, about his education or any close relationships, the only exception to the last point being his close association with Sua.

Anyone else would probably ignore it, chalk it up to the man simply putting a lot of effort in protecting his privacy, but Till knew a little bit better than that.

If a public figure goes to such lengths to keep all the information about him that can be found on the Internet at this surface level, it means that they have something to hide. And as someone who always kept a close eye on the entertainment industry, even after his own failure, Till had his theory proven multiple times. People like these would try to be as careful as possible, only for someone who they trusted come out with some unflattering truth. Addictions, bullying, domestic abuse – these allegations never failed to ruin these successful people who seemed flawless in the eyes of the public before.

Ivan must have something like this, too.

After giving all the photos in the magazine a second look, Till put it back on the shelf and went to search for the snack for which he initially came to the shop.

For now, Till just had to follow every move that Ivan made closely, studying and coming up with productive conclusions and carefully considering his own next move. Hyuna might’ve scolded him for this approach if she knew what he was up to, but for someone so stubborn and insecure, there was no other strategy except for this one.

***

It was only a matter of time that Till would let himself slip up.

Of course, he knew that the lack of sleep and overall exhaustion were to blame, but why would anyone else care about that? For all he knew, there could be an even better reason than his fatigue, but it wouldn’t stop Hyuna from throwing him disappointed looks on their way to the agency as she drove them to the main building.

‘Look, I know that I fucked up, but…’

‘Don’t talk to me right now.’ Hyuna cut him off, not wanting to listen to whatever excuse Till would try to come up with. ‘Have you forgotten where you work? The basic ethics of our society?’

‘But I clarified that it was my opinion!’ Till argued, getting defensive and trying to distance himself subconsciously by leaning closer to the window. ‘I was literally asked to do that.’

‘Yeah, because no one in their right minds would expect you to call Ivan talentless on a live-show!’

Till groaned, hitting his head on the window in exasperation. Of course, he was in the wrong here. Korean people cared a lot about the hierarchy, and trash-talking your older colleagues could never earn him any points in the eyes of the general public. Instead, the public would start trash-talking his family again, claiming that his parents failed to raise him as a polite and smart person. Which, OK, might have some substance to it, considering that his father abandoned them and his mother was forced to spend hours working and was unable to find time for him at some point, but it was none of the public’s business.

Till knew that agreeing to doing a live-show was a mistake, considering how his mouth tended to run faster than his thoughts and how much faster this process was when he was exhausted. However, rejecting an offer from someone who he believed to be a valuable acquittance sounded like a bad idea. Till had already been neglecting his social media activity because he practically had no energy for that, so a surprise appearance on someone’s stream would’ve improved the situation a bit and worked in favor of his strategy.

And Hyuna was initially against that idea, as if she knew something like this would happen. But Till didn’t listen, he actually promised her that he’ll be careful and that he would avoid talking about anything personal or controversial, but the moment people in the chat started gushing about Ivan and his acquittance asked what Till thought about the other man, he didn’t even really think much of his answer, just saying what came to his head first.

And yes, in hindsight, that must’ve been rude. But it wasn’t baseless either.

At least not to him.

‘Can you just…’ Hyuna started once they had parked near the agency building. ‘Why do you enjoy making my life harder?’

‘It’s not a big deal, Hyuna.’ Till turned to face his manager, scanning her face for any clues as to what would be right to say.

‘It fucking is, Till.’ She said sternly, punctuating every word. ‘You’re not being careful. You really want to lose that brand deal all of us worked so hard for?’

‘I don’t understand why you act like they’ll drop me off so easily. They probably decided to pursue me because they knew that I’d be able to counter Ivan and perhaps even suppress him soon.’

‘I can’t believe you’re saying all of this nonsense.’ Hyuna shook her head, clearly disappointed. ‘And to think it’d be someone like you talking like this…’

‘Someone like me?’ Till scoffed, something inside of him getting triggered by these words. ‘So, what, you think because I had to listen to other people talk bullshit about me for years on end, I can’t give fair criticism?’

‘Since when calling someone talentless has become a valid criticism?’

‘I don’t understand why we’re still on this subject. Shouldn’t we be discussing something more important?’

‘Are you serious right now?’

‘Yes. It’s really not a big deal. People trash-talk their colleagues all the time, so how me saying something about Ivan is any different?’

Hyuna hit her head on a stirring wheel and groaned, visibly distressed.

The public seemed to actually share her frustrations, as Till would learn later in the night, after getting home and going for his usual study of the day, social media flooded with just so many people expressing their disappointment and bad-mouthing Till. They talked about his acting career, just as they always do, and compared his looks to Ivan, claiming that ‘Till would never be as handsome as Ivan!’ and attacked his agency, demanding a formal apology.  

His acquittance kindly deleted the stream in order to prevent the rise of controversy, but the damage had already been done. Someone recorded and reposted it, and Till sounded even worse without context.

And that’s when it hit him.

He overestimated his success.

Sure, his career was on the rise. These past couple of months and an invitation to walk at Paris Fashion Week at the end of June, a few days after his 22^nd birthday, could be viewed as a proof of it. People in the fashion world wanted him. To work with Till meant to solidify your place in Korean fashion industry, because he wasn’t someone who was up for everything and anything at this point. He was allowed to be picky, and being picked by him was a sign of talent. Interviewers, photographers, stylists – all of these people cared for his opinion.

But not the general public.

They couldn’t care less about his connections, about all of the stuff that goes behind the scenes. They couldn’t even try to understand why Till would feel that way about Ivan, let alone accept it. All they’d see is the simple fact that he called the other man ‘talentless’, rude and unprovoked.

Till was used to being called names on the Internet, it wasn’t anything new. The moment his acting career failed, the only things that the search algorithm would  kindly offer to him would be offensive articles, ranging from those that simply criticized his former agency and his parents to straight-up malicious works of journalism. There was one on the latter side of the spectrum which even included some paparazzi photos of him and his mom, not long after Till quitting acting, where both of them looked so tired and bad that even remembering these pics existed always tied a knot of discomfort in Till’s stomach.

But the general outrage that his off-handed comments brought out somehow felt even worse than that.

People were creative with their insults nowadays. They also learned how to twist the information to such extents that everything that Till used to deal with after quitting acting paled to things he was reading about himself now.

And the public’s opinion was one thing, but the potential of meeting Ivan after this…

Fuck, they would definitely be seeing each other in Paris, wouldn’t they?

What had Till done? He couldn’t even rationalize it. After all, they only interacted once and Ivan was nothing but polite to him. No matter how much Till wanted to believe that the other man had some other ulterior motives, that he was playing his own game, the objective truth was simple – they both walked for Sua’s show, exchanged pleasantries here and there and never met again.

And Ivan was nowhere near as stupid and impulsive as Till. No, every step that this man had ever taken in the fashion world was thought through and well-timed. It wouldn’t really surprise him if Ivan would somehow twist all of this in his favor, too.

Of course, it’d be something subtle. Maybe a shady tweet or an important announcement to ride the wave of the controversy, but it would never be anything direct. For someone who clearly kept a close eye on what was written about him on the Internet, there’s no way this mishap of Till’s would go unnoticed.

He pressed his palms against his eyes, feeling lost. Suddenly, his bed didn’t feel as soft as it usually was, blankets weighing heavy on him, and his bedroom felt even more suffocating than it did on his worst sleepless nights.

Surely, there was a way to fix it, right? It might hurt his pride a little bit, but if Ivan and him could talk and Till apologized and explained that he did it for the clout, explained that it was strategic and he didn’t mean it that way…

Hyuna was right – he was a coward. A coward who couldn’t decided whether or not he believed in his own narrative. Because if all of his bravado and attitude was something more than an act, he wouldn’t be reacting that way to a random stranger calling him ugly and useless. He wouldn’t even check any social media to begin with.

The only place to make all of this right was Paris – this was the only thing Till was certain about at this point. They’d talk, Till would apologize for being unprofessional and, hopefully, Ivan would let it go.

So, this was his plan.

Chapter Text

Hyuna is good at damage control.

Till had always thought so, even before the current mess, with all his frequent fights with photographers and late appearances at important meeting always being covered up with some really believable excuse by his manager. She just had a natural talent for peace-making, he had figured, able to find the right words in the right moments, and for someone like Till, who would usually do the opposite, ignoring all the hints and signs to stop and making the situation even worse than it was before, Hyuna was like a guarding angel, sent to protect him from the consequences of his short temper.

If it was anyone else in her place, they would’ve already dropped Till and made sure he never got a new manager. But Hyuna, despite all of the trouble he had caused her with his careless actions and spiteful tongue, still hadn’t dropped him, so it proves his point. Although she was clearly still mad at him, throwing angry glares at him every time they met at the agency or a studio, Till knew that Hyuna was doing a lot to clear up his name online these days. More than she ever had before. She had also arranged a couple of interviews to divert the public’s attention, made some of the accounts that refused to stop talking about the incident vanish and pulled some strings behind the scenes to delete a couple of unflattering articles that appeared right after the live-show.

And, of course, Till felt incredibly bad about it.

Seeing that Hyuna was still willing to go to such lengths for him made Till feel horrible. He knew that he couldn’t promise her that ‘it won’t ever happen again’, his manager being the last person to fall for such a blatant lie, but there had to be something else? Some other way to show his gratitude?

Getting lost in his thoughts, Till almost missed his station. It was a rare day when he got off work that early, so he decided to simply hop on the subway and walk to his apartment complex for a bit instead of paying crazy amounts of money for a taxi, like he had to most of the time. It wasn’t a long walk, about twenty minutes, and the weather was quite nice, the second half of June still allowing some room for Till to breathe. He wandered through the streets, mask and cap on, hoping that nobody would be able to recognize him.

There was a park near his apartment complex that Till usually ignored, too tired to go for a simple walk or scared of making his place of residence known, like some paparazzi would be hiding behind the bushes, just waiting for the right moment to snap a pic of him. But right now, he was willing to ignore all of his paranoia that was telling him that it won’t end well and he should just go home, and went further into the park for a change of scenery, enjoying how the air was beginning to cool down and listening to cicadas interrupting the overall quietness of the place.  

After mindlessly walking for some time, Till found a lonely bench near a little pound, and decided to take a little break before heading back. His hand reached out for his phone in a pocket of his jeans, but stopped halfway. What was the point of going for a walk if all he does is staring into the phone? Besides, it’s not like he needed to look at it to know that there are no notifications, all of them disabled because it just got unbearable at some point, his phone vibrating every two seconds, presenting Till with another post that was filled with criticism, valid and not-so.

Still, he wished it did vibrate.

Letting the phone fall deeper into his pocket, Till sighed loudly, eyes fixed on the pond ahead of him. He watched the water’s calm, mind beginning to fill with all the usual worries. These last couple of weeks had him thinking a lot. About his career, about people around him, about…

Ivan.

They were about to meet again, Paris Fashion Week being right around the corner, and Till still haven’t figured out what would be the right thing to do. He could’ve easily pretended that nothing had ever happened, but then what? It’s not something that can be pushed under the rug, people would never forget about it, since it was actually something out of ordinary, scandalous and intriguing. The most annoying interviewers out there were already trying to get Till to talk about it, and it was only a matter of time when they would start asking Ivan about it.

What was the other man thinking? Did he hate Till? When they inevitably run into each other, what will he do? Will Ivan use this situation to destroy Till? This was unlikely, considering that the man preferred to abstain from all the drama. Hopefully, Ivan would forgive him if he pretended that he actually felt sorry and made his apology sound as sincere as it could only possibly be.

The wind picked up, messing with Till’s hair. He threw his head back, looking up at the stars. They were barely visible because of the city lights, but the sky was mostly clear today, so there were a few of them that could be made out. There was also the Moon, shining brightly among countless nameless stars. Till’s gaze lingered on it as his thoughts continued to run unbelievably fast, bringing up all of the possible scenarios for his near future. But the longer he looked up, the less anxious he felt.

Just like Moon has phases, life also has its’ own cycles. Every time Till thought that there was no salvation, that he was doomed and that the only thing that’s waiting for him was endless despair, he managed to bounce back. Sure, every misstep he had taken still echoed, even through the years, but Till knew that he just had to keep pushing through into the future. If his façade breaks, if everyone turns their back on him, if he gets dropped from the agency, he will find a way to get back.

That’s how it always worked, and Till won’t let it change. No matter what Ivan chooses to do, if he decides to hold a grudge, ruin his entire career or maybe his whole life, so be it. The ball was in his court, after all, and Till had nothing else to do but wait for the man’s next move.

***

Paris was nice.

When Hyuna announces that she won’t be able to go with him to France, Till got a bit scared. Sad too. He was so used to having her by his side and it was only his third flight abroad. Second even, if you don’t count the time when ‘Louis Vuitton’ flew him out to Mallorca with a private jet. It was an entirely different experience, nothing like flying commercial. And when they went to London back in winter, it was Hyuna who made sure that no document was forgotten, that they got their luggage taken care off, that they didn’t miss their flight when Till fell asleep on a bench in the waiting lounge on their way back during their layover in Shanghai.

So, when he miraculously got to Paris on his own, Till couldn’t help but feel a little bit proud of himself. It was a long flight and he was really tired, not being able to fall asleep despite the long hours on board, but when he finally stepped outside of the airport, Till knew it was all worth it.

The weather was nice, and unlike in London, when they didn’t have any spare time, Till had a whole free day here. Come to think of it, it must’ve been the late birthday present that people at the agency had hinted at as they knew that Till would love to play the tourist for a little while. So, he decided to make most of his time, and after checking in his hotel where he had to use his new sharpened English skills, Till went out to grab a cup of coffee and do some sightseeing. He strolled through the streets, sipping on his ice latte and observing people around him. There were many other tourists who, just like Till, seemed to wander mindlessly through the city, taking photos of the scenery that the city of love offered them. Till snapped a few pics himself, the architecture being incredibly fascinating and way more impressive than he could even imagine.

But it would’ve been too good if everything went according to Till’s plan, right?

He had to get lost.

The signal on his phone refused to pick up, Maps clearly telling him something entirely different about his location as there was no big mall to be seen, just a bunch of narrow streets with small shops squashed tightly together. Sighing, Till put away his phone and decided to go through one of them and try to find someone who might help him find his way back to the hotel.

After a few hopeless attempts to explain what he needed to locals who failed to provide any useful advice on how to get back to his hotel, a nice older lady understood him and showed him what route he should take with the help of Maps app. Thanking her at least four times and bowing deeply, Till headed into what had to be the right direction while putting the number of the bus he needed to take into the Notes app. He snapped a couple more photos, enjoying how the sunlight made them look even more vibrant.

For a moment, Till even forgot what was the reason behind coming to Paris. He just enjoyed walking around the city where the chances of being recognized were much lower than back in Seoul, where he could forget about his worries for a bit.

Just as he had thought about it being so peaceful and nice, his phone buzzed with a notification. It was a message from Hyuna, attached file containing his schedule for the next several days. Nothing that he hadn’t already memorized, though, so he decided to ignore the message for now and looked around, searching for the bus stop.

If only life could always feel this nice. With no worries tormenting Till’s mind, no obligations, just warm weather, pretty scenery and a bit of adventure.   

***

Of course, Till couldn’t fall asleep today.

It was one of the nights that were on the worse side of the spectrum, ones when even his usual strategies to battle insomnia fell short, just leaving him even more irritated than before.

His hotel room was dark, save for the city lights that were trying to peek through the curtains. Till sat up on the bed once again, rubbing his eyes as they were starting to itch. He reached out for his phone that lied on the bedside drawer to check the time, the screen quickly lit up and lt him know that it was already 6AM.

So, no sleep, then.

The hours dragged on as Till slowly got ready for the day. He had to get to the venue at 9 AM and it would take him about an hour to get there from his hotel. Unfortunately, the agency didn’t get him a personal driver this time, but it’s not like Till could complain when he got a whole spare day instead.

After getting ready for about an hour and a half, making sure that his hair looked presentable and sighing over his large eyebags, Till headed out for the venue.

When he got there, rush hour kicking his butt and making Till regret not taking the cab, the clerk checked him in at the entrance, just like the one in London did. If he were honest, Till barely remembered anything about the brand he was walking for today, which was really unlike him. But as long as he just managed to smile his way through the rehearsal with the designer and his apprentices, this should be fine. 

The controversy still lingered, that much was obvious. People were throwing weird glances at him as Till made his way through the lounge, looking for the people he’d be working with today, and that one makeup artist definitely avoided him, pretending that she was busy the moment he approached her to ask for help.

Fine, whatever. There’s only one way to go about it – forward. Till will prove that he’s still one of the best models out there today and tomorrow they’ll forget about the fact that his tongue can run a little loose sometimes and start throwing themselves on him again, begging for a chance to work together.

Finally, he managed to snatch a makeup artist and asked to cover up his eyebags as much as she could. The girl, who seemed like it was her first day working, stared at him wide-eyed for a moment, but got to work right away, professionally covering all of the problematic areas on his face.

Then, it got hectic, as it always did for the last hours before the show. The designers ran around in panic, and the guy for whose brand Till was walking today seemed to be the worst out of them all. He checked everything thrice and Till saw two other models exchange annoyed glances when the man asked them to change and let him iron the pieces again.

Till thought back to London, to Sua who looked only a little less worried despite being way more experienced than the guy he was working for today. Perhaps, the novelty of it just never wears off, designers treating each and every of their collections as their first and the last ever at the same time, anxious and meticulous. After all, the amount of work put into one line of clothing was insane, so of course they’d try to make sure everything looked perfect.

When the rehearsal was finally over, he quickly changed back to his clothes and walked out of the lounge in search of a quieter place that would allow him to rest for a bit before the show started. His head was beginning to hurt from all of the noise, hangers constantly hitting the hanging rails and people talking non-stop, so Till walked through the halls, looking for a place that could shield him from the hustle.

Finally, he found what seemed to be a free room and allowed himself in. Only when he went in did he realize that it was not, in fact, empty.  There was someone standing next to the window, back facing the door. He was about to quietly retreat when the man noticed the foreign presence and turned around to face Till.

Fuck, out of all people that were in this building, he had to run into him.

‘Oh, it’s you.’ Ivan spoke, face twisting in some unknown emotion that Till couldn’t decipher. ‘Were you looking for me, Till?’

Till looked up and down, studying the other man. He was still wearing his casual clothes; his usual style included simple black pants and a basic white shirt. An illusion of simplicity, but Till was certain that the look cost a mini fortune if the cufflinks were anything to go by. Typical of Ivan, though.

A show-off.

‘Not really, but…’ He hesitated for a bit, not sure what would be the right thing to do here. He had to talk to Ivan, and maybe fixing things as soon as possible would actually be great. He could judge him from a far a little bit later. ‘We need to talk.’

‘We?’ The other man scoffed, leaning onto the window sill. ‘I have nothing to talk to you about, though.’

‘Listen…’ Till started, closing the door behind and walking towards Ivan. ‘I wanted to apologize for my words. It was really unprofessional of me to say something as stupid as this and I regret it.’

Ivan kept silent, watching him come closer. He looked like he was waiting for something, but Till couldn’t figure out what it was. His eyes looked even darker than usual, and Till tried really hard to not squirm under his watchful gaze.

He just had to push through, sound as sincere as possible and leave as soon as possible.

‘I’m sorry, Ivan.’ He finally muttered, not as confident as Till wanted it sound.

‘You’re not.’ He said, tone flat.

What?

Till kept quiet, blinking at the other man, confusion probably written all over his face. It’s not the answer that he was expecting.

‘I know you’re not sorry.’ Ivan reiterated, eyes still fixed on him. ‘And it’s fine. I didn’t expect you to be.'

‘But I am! I wish I could go back and never say that, and…’

‘Does pretending get you off or something?’

Till opened and closed his mouth, at a loss for words.

What the fuck?

‘Look, Till…’ Ivan continued, sighing tiredly. ‘I know fashion world can get too much sometimes, but your approach is inherently incorrect. And it is quite easy to see through all of your bravado, too.’

What the actual fuck?

‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’ Till decided to say, figuring that playing dumb would be the right option here. ‘I didn’t ask for some impromptu therapy session, I just wanted…’

‘Till.’ Ivan called out again, cutting him off. ‘Stop lying. It would’ve been so much better if you came here and said that you meant what you told on that live-show instead of pretending to care about ethics and morals.’

‘Why are you putting words in my mouth?!’ Before he knew it, Till bolted forward, pushing Ivan towards the window sill and holding him by the collar of his really expensive designer shirt. ‘Who do you think you are to talk to me like that?’

Ivan’s gaze was piercing right through him. He was clearly not bothered by Till’s sudden outburst, and Ivan’s hands found their way to his shoulders in an attempt to ground the other man.

‘I am your rival.’ He said, smiling widely. ‘Your one and only.’

Till’s hands mercilessly tugged onto the fabric of Ivan’s collar, eyes getting wider as the meaning of the other man’s words dawned on him.

So the man saw him as his competition, Till wasn’t being delusional earlier in London!

The realization hit him hard, making his blood boil with both desperation and exhilaration. It was so thrilling, Ivan’s acknowledgement of their roles stirring something inside him, letting his mind run with all the possible scenarios of how things can go from here.

‘Oh? Glad to know that we’re on the same page here.’ A lopsided smirk made its’ way to Till’s face. His hands fell from Ivan’s collar and he backed away a bit, but his eyes never left Ivan’s face. ‘You’re right, I’m not sorry. In fact, I think I should’ve said more that day.’

‘You can say it now, directly to my face.’ Ivan mirrored his expression and Till wished he could get rid of the smugness on the other man’s face in a not-so-civil way. ‘Tell me everything, Till.’

Wait, was he having fun? Till didn’t expect that. His research led him to believe that Ivan would either pretend that nothing ever happened or just suggested them to move on. But when he started to approach Till and forced him back into the wall eventually, caging him, it could only mean that Ivan was stealing the initiative and bending the rules to his own liking. They didn’t have that big of a height difference, but now it looked as if Ivan was towering over him, and Till couldn’t help but squirm a bit.

Suddenly, all of this didn’t seem fun to Till.

This was scary.

‘Wh-what are you doing?’ Till cowered a bit, his shoulders tight with what had to be a mixture of fear and confusion.

‘Huh, is it really all that takes for you to drop your stupid act?’ Ivan scoffed and backed away, and Till recognized the emotion in his eyes as distaste. ‘You know, I can play this game too, right? Hope you’re ready for my next move.’

And just like that, Ivan walked away, leaving Till alone in the room.

Chapter Text

Overthinking might actually be one of these few things that Till was truly good at.

When the first day of Paris Fashion Week was finally over, he drove right back to his hotel, barely making it. His head hurt after having to indulge so much noise and commotion for hours, multiple blisters had appeared on his feet because the shoes ended up being a size smaller than Till needed, making it uncomfortable to walk. It also didn’t help much that he didn’t get any sleep last night, his eyes heavy with exhaustion as he tried to fight the urge to fall asleep on the passenger seat of the taxi. Using his last bits of energy, Till crawled into a shower, needing to get rid of the weight of todays’ events before heading to bed.

The knots in his muscles started to slowly loosen up as Till stood in the shower cabin, letting his body relax for a bit as the water ran down. His mind, on the other hand, wanted to persist and run rampant. It’s like his brain could never get tired of coming up with all kinds of worries, and he had to try really hard to silence the intrusive thoughts that kept telling him that ‘it was over’.

Till didn’t see Ivan after their altercation. They walked for different brands this time, so there was not much time for another overlap in their schedule, and Till was grateful for it. He wasn’t sure he could handle another interaction with that man.

The more rational part of him understood that Ivan was bluffing. His threats were empty, he didn’t plan on actually playing the game. That would be very uncharacteristic for him, the guy  always avoided drama and definitely put extra effort in making sure that there was only a surface-level information about him on the Web, to throw all of this caution away and follow along for…

For what?

Till halted under the water stream, looking down at his feet. The warm water was beginning to fog up the shower cabin’s walls, droplets occasionally hitting their surface as he stood there, thinking about what he had just started.

This was actually quite dangerous. If Ivan was serious about everything, if he actually thought of Till as a worthy opponent, a formidable foe, what would he do? What was he even capable of? Surely that man had enough connections to cut Till short of opportunities, but would he be so bold?

Well, if Ivan actually hated him and wanted Till gone, then this wasn’t completely improbable. There must be plenty of subtle ways for him to go about erasing an opponent, like quietly blacklisting him from events through connections and paying right people to write things that he would benefit from.

Fuck, he must’ve told Sua everything too… As far as Till knew, the girl wasn’t huge on social media, so she might not have heard about the incident on her own, but would Ivan let the chance of snitching on him go? He knew that ‘CLEMATIS’ and Sua were important for Till, so what would be a better first step to ruining his career than…

Till forced himself to get over with the shower, trying to silence his annoying thoughts while focusing on the outer senses as he washed his hair, usual shampoo smelling nicer than before for some reason. Perhaps, not only was his mind agitated from the exhausting day that it was, but Till’s other senses were enhanced because of it, too.

Stepping out of the shower, Till changed into his leisurewear. Looking in the mirror, he noticed that the cat print on his T-shirt had become almost unrecognizable, a sign of one too many washings. Sighing, he walked back to the bedroom and plopped himself onto the bed, ignoring his phone which rang loudly through the room.

It must be Hyuna calling to check up on him. Wait, isn’t it 5 in the morning back in Seoul? Why would she…

Till forced himself up and reached for the phone that was on the bedside drawer.

It wasn’t Hyuna, it was his mom.

‘Mom?’ He picked up, getting anxious as his mind flooded with all the possible reasons as to why his mom would call him at that time. ‘Is everything OK?’

‘Baby, I was going to ask you that!’ She said, voice unbelievably cheerful for the time it was in Seoul. ‘I was waiting for the whole day to call you, but I didn’t know what would be the right time to do so.’

‘You scared me…’ Till whined into the phone, lying back onto the bed and getting comfortable. ‘Thought something happened and you needed to urgently call.’

‘Sorry, sweetie, didn’t mean to! Just wanted to talk to you. How’s Paris? How was the show today?’

Till closed his eyes, trying not to sigh too loudly. His mom’s timing was often bad, but most of the times he either had energy to pretend that it was fine or had some excuse to call her back later. But now, considering that his next two days here will be even busier than the first, he knew that there won’t be any more time to talk.

And it’s not like he didn’t want to, either. Hyuna’s jokes about Till being too attached to her had some substance to them, it would be impossible to deny. Sure, he might not share many things with her, afraid to bother her with his issues related to work or, rarely, something personal, but he sought her company.

After all, it’s not like he had anyone besides her and Hyuna.

‘Well, Paris is nice, I’ll send you some photos that I took when I went sightseeing.’ He quickly got up to turn the lights off and got back onto the bed, leaving the lamp on the bedside drawer on.  ‘Managed to take a couple of nice shots. As for the show… Could’ve been worse? Dunno.’

‘I couldn’t watch it this time, was it not streamed?’

‘I guess… Didn’t check, sorry.’

His mother sighed really loudly into the phone receiver. She must have sensed that there was something else besides the exhaustion from a long day, but decided not to push. Instead, she talked about how her day went, sharing some of the gossip that her neighbor had told her earlier today.

‘There’s this weird rumor going around about the guy from the seventh floor… That he might be gay or something. Oh, his poor mother… She had told me how much she wanted grandchildren, why must it be like that…’

For some reason, this irked something inside Till. Somehow, most of their conversations ended up in this place, and today’s one, unfortunately, wasn’t an exception. He didn’t really care about the gay part – in his industry, you get so desensitized to gossip like that, it gets old really quickly – and he personally knew for certain that he was into women, but as for the kids’ part…

His tired brain brought up some scenes from the past, reminding him of his father. There were good memories, like them enjoying music together, his father playing some song for Till on his guitar, watching stuff together or going to their local amusement park to enjoy the new ride that was opened just the day before. But then they all shattered, and his mind brought up the day when his father, his dad, came home and… Till might’ve not known what ‘drugs’ were at that point in time, but he quickly learned how a person using them would be acting.

And since then, he kept wondering whether or not his father, his favorite dad was ever a good person. Maybe, it was always a lie, disguised as love and care? Maybe, that man never cared for Till or his mom?

And if he is his father’s son, will he… turn into a monster, too? How could he go and have children if he wasn’t sure if he was a good person himself? Children deserved the best from their parents and, sure, maybe he could provide for them financially, what would he bring to the table when it came to the emotional department?

Till tried talking to his mom about that once, sharing his worries about the future back when he still thought it might be useful for their relationship. Naively, he believed that she would try to console him, tell Till that he didn’t have to worry about it, that his father was a good person, but just failed to fight his demons… But she said that it was really immature of him to even think about not having children, that none of his arguments against having children stood any ground and he needed to ‘man up’.

Whatever it meant.

As time went on, Till understood why his mom thought like that. And he wasn’t mad per se, but her fixation on having grandchildren really rubbed him the wrong way.

‘You know that gay people in other countries are allowed to adopt children, right?’ Till interjected, feeling his eyes grow heavier with each and every passing minute. ‘Korea’s just not really progressive in regards to that thing, but…’

‘Horrifying!’ His mother yelped and Till flinched a bit, putting his phone father from his ear. ‘Oh, have these fashion people brainwashed you too, Till? Don’t tell me you think that this is normal!’

‘Uhm, I don’t really… care?’ He said, unsure what would be the right answer. ‘I mean, don’t get it twisted, I’m still normal! But I’ve met a couple of gay guys who happened to be really cool designers and…’

‘Stop, stop, oh God… I don’t want to hear it.’

‘OK. It’s not like I want to defend them either…’ Till mumbled, this conversation draining him of his last bits of energy. ‘Look, mom, it’s already late and I have an early morning tomorrow…’

‘Oh, dear, of course, of course! I won’t steal any more of your time. Good night, sweetie!’

‘Good night…’

He hung up and threw his phone away, reaching to turn off the lamp that provided the last bit of light. He rolled on the bed in an attempt to get comfortable, the blanket nicely hugging him. His mind drifted, the conversation still lingering. Just why did his mom always had to bring up something that would so obviously ruin the mood? It’s like she had to talk shit about others. Well, it’s not like she would be the only person to do so – people were probably trashing Till on the Internet in that exact moment, scrutinizing all of his photos from today – but it was so… unnecessary.

Finally, the sleep decided to take hold of him, and all of Till’s thoughts and worries drifted away.

***

On days like these, Till loved his job.

‘Louis Vuitton’ had sent him a bunch of gifts as a token of gratitude for their first collaboration, the collection he modeled for finally going on sale. There were also a lot of billboards across the globe starring him, and Till’s fan accounts worked really hard to collect them all, different cities and all kinds of screens. When he saw a photo of the one on Times Square, he almost started crying, struggling to believe that it was real.

The brand had kindly sent him a bunch of stuff from the new collection and a couple of items that were given exclusively to LV’s collaborators, a designer wallet and stylish glasses being two things he was most excited about. Once, back when Till was just a mere newbie, he stumbled upon a blogpost where the author was bragging about the same items being shipped to her after a photoshoot, and Till remembered wondering whether he’d be able to get something like this for himself in the future.

He stood in front of the glass door of his wardrobe, studying his reflection with his new favorite sunglasses. Their frame flattered Till’s face shape, which was such a relief. It would’ve been a shame if he had to store the glasses away just because his face sucked.

Going back to the sofa on which he spread out all of the gifts, Till put down the glasses and picked up a black silk shirt, the one item that he liked the most from the collection. He really liked the signature LV jacquard all over the shirt and couldn’t stop himself from running his fingers against the fabric once more, excitement rushing through him.

He carefully hung the shirt in his wardrobe, right next to his other most treasured pieces of clothes. Closing the door, Till wanted to go back to check the jacket that was also in the package, but he felt his phone vibrating against his leg. Fishing it out of the pocket of his home shorts, he saw a message from Hyuna.

[hyuna] you might want to read the whole thing

There was a link in the next message, and Till quickly tapped on his screen to open it.

A headline of the article, ‘ALEXANDER MCQUEEN’S IVAN GIVES FIRST BIG INTERVIEW’, stared at Till, who could only stare back at it and blink in confusion. He plopped onto his sofa and started reading the article quickly.

Well, this is new. Ivan didn’t do big interviews. Sure, there were a couple of older ones which can be considered rather lengthy, but Till knew that none of them had anything important in them, he read through every single one of them. Some empty talk about the recent shows, a couple of compliments for his dear brand and words of gratitude for his manager.

This, however, already looked different.

‘We met up in a cute café in New York, a city where Ivan moved not too long ago. He confessed that this place was his favorite here, complementing their coffee for “rich flavor” and “pretty interior”.’

Wow, as pretentious as ever.   

‘When I asked him why he decided to give a big interview, after years of keeping low profile, Ivan smiled brightly and said that ‘the time has finally come’ for him to open up to his fans and they deserved to know a bit more.’

Till scrolled down, not willing to read any more of glazing. What mattered were Ivan’s answers. If Hyuna thought that it was worth his read, there must be something about him.

‘Q: Believe me when I say that no one expected you to appear in one of Amy’s music videos. She is a famous popstar, known for her love songs and mesmerizing lyrics, and you’re the best male model in the world. How did this collaboration come to life? Do you have any more plans to act somewhere in the future?

A: Well, it was thanks to Isaac, my manager, who worked this collab out. I had heard of Amy before, but pop is not really my favorite genre of music, so I didn’t have that much knowledge about her or her music. I was also really worried if I’d be able to act well, since I practically had no experience in that field. But Amy didn’t mind and helped me through the whole production process, and I’m really thankful that I had an opportunity to work with someone as talented and diligent as her. As for the acting… I might consider it for the future, but right now I’m focused on modeling.’

Till saw the music video, there was nothing really impressive about it. Well, this must be another way to solidify a useful connection, since that Amy girl was a really big musician and all…

Annoying.

‘Q: I can’t help but ask… What was the kiss like? It felt so… real!

A: Amy is a real professional, I just closely followed her advice and instructions, so the kiss… I’m glad it ended up the way it did.’

Ah, yes, it was a terrible kiss. How did the director even allow this scene to make it to the final cut? Huh, Ivan must be so bad at this it was their best take and they had no other option but to put this one in! That had to be the case.

‘Q: So, there’s no secret story here?

A: Of course not.

Q: I think some of your female fans sighed with relief reading that just now.

A: And while we’re at it… If anyone still wants to speculate about this, try getting a real job. Might be useful, guys, you should try!’

Annoying!

Till couldn’t handle reading that anymore, so annoyed as if Ivan’s pretentiousness seeping through his phone and spilling on his hands. He decided to use the search bar and cut straight to the questions about him. His phone quickly provided him with the necessary bit, and Till got to reading.

‘Q: There was also a little controversy surrounding you and another famous model, Till. Can you give us a rundown on it?

A: Ah, this… First, I’d like to preface all of this by saying that I don’t hold any sort of grudge against him. Things happen, the fashion world is crazy and our jobs are more stressful than it can seem at first glance, and I’m kind of used to people talking behind my back. In fact, I believe that it speaks more about him than me.

Q: You don’t want to spill the tea, do you?

A: There is no tea, though. Just another younger colleague who thinks pretty highly of himself. Not that he doesn’t deserve it or something, I know that he had worked a lot to get where he is now, but if him or any other guy who tries to make it in the fashion industry asked me for advice, I would say that there’s nothing more important than knowing when to speak and when to keep silent.

Q: So, you believe that a model is just a silent doll with a pretty face?

A: No, I never said that. I believe that a successful model is a smart model. Only those who do not understand the real value of what they have speak so carelessly.’

What the fuck was wrong with this guy?

Til quickly opened the Messenger app and started typing a rant to Hyuna.

[till] what the fuck is wrong with him?! who does he think he is? this is insane, hyuna! i can’t believe I just read that shit! can i… fuck, can I even sue him for defamation?

[hyuna] Till, have you perhaps… hid something from me?  

[till] what do you mean?

[hyuna] Ivan never did something like this. He never talks about anyone in his interviews. Heck, he hardly gives any.

[hyuna] Have you two talked in Paris?

Just why, why does it have to happen today? Of all days, Ivan chose this one to bring Till down and humiliate him like this! This was even worse than reading some of the articles back in the day, about his acting career, and this bar was pretty high to reach, yet Ivan topped it with one interview!

[till] um… well, we did talk, yeah, but…

[hyuna] What the fuck, Till?

[hyuna] I can’t go with you ONE TIME and you decide to go full on impulsive mode?!  

[till] i didn’t do anything! he just said that he also saw me as a rival and that he will play the game, too…

[hyuna] Fuck.

There’s no going back, right? Ivan chose this day specifically, and Till was starting to see just why he did it.

This was taken to a new level now. It’s not hard to imagine how many posts have already been made about it. People had already gone crazy with their comparisons, but now, after Ivan pretended to be oh so rightful and oh so fucking smart…

And just like that, all of the happiness from his first big collection faded. The jacket that lied beside him, one that was supposed to resemble a kimono a bit, didn’t seem so nice anymore. The sunglasses that he felt were nice on him… None of this did matter. This day was ruined by Ivan, that calculating piece of…

Till’s head hurt.    

Chapter Text

How did that popular saying go? “The night is the darkest before dawn” or something along the lines…

Every time something bad had happened, Till thought of these words and hoped that maybe, finally, he had reached the darkest point and his unlucky phase would finally end. But, so far, he had been proven wrong every fucking time.

First, that big interview with Ivan that was published on the day that was supposed to be Till’s big day. That guy could’ve chosen any other day, the journalist must’ve asked for the desired publication date, but just as promised, Ivan got in the game and snatch the initiative right from Till’s hands, his first move being bold and uncharacteristic of him. Thinking back, it actually made perfect sense – the man must’ve thought that this would be enough to shake Till up and back away, admit that he was wrong and that he shouldn’t have tried to take Ivan’s spot at the top.

But Till was too stubborn to allow that. That’s why all he did was make a bunch of shady posts after venting to Hyuna that night, earning himself a ban on social media from his manager and the agency.

Then came annoying journalists. Everyone was so eager to get his side of the story, to become the one who gets to publish some hot exclusive article that would gain impressive amount of traction and earn the lucky publisher a fortune, but Till wasn’t willing to give it to anyone. He was already quite skeptical of all these fashion journalists, but now they’d just proven that they don’t care about any ethics, just about their wallets being full of money, and that they wouldn’t even feel guilty for the ways they’d used to get their hands on the money.

So, Till declined all of the offers and earned himself a bunch of ugly headlines for doing that.

Nothing that Hyuna couldn’t deal with, though.

Speaking of Hyuna, it’s been a couple of days since they’d last talked. Till didn’t even realize before, too busy spending all of his free time checking what Ivan was up to or sleeping, exhausted from work and overthinking, but now that he had some time to spare in between photoshoots, he decided to send her a message.

However, minutes dragged on, his break was about to finish, but there was no response. Which was strange, because Hyuna always responded quickly. Even when she was busy with her other clients or if they had anything planned with Luka, she still made sure to not leave Till on ‘delivered’ for too long, letting him know that she would respond later or getting straight into conversation.

This time, there was nothing.

Till sighed and put his phone away, getting up from the sofa that was surprisingly comfortable and leaving the dressing room. Today’s photoshoots were quite simple ones, both shot by people who he had already worked with, so there was nothing to worry about, but the second one was looking to be a bit more time-consuming. They had to film both an ad and promotional pics for some new fragrance Till haven’t memorized the name of. Something ‘manly’ and ‘reminiscent of bitter coffee’, that much he remembered from reading the brand’s file that would be lost in his inbox had he not been forced to check it every day by the agency.

The weird thing is… Even after the shooting had ended and Till bid farewells with all the staff members and the photographer, Hyuna still hadn’t responded to him.

He tried calling her, but the call went straight to voicemail.

It’s not like Till couldn’t do anything on his own, no. In fact, he insisted on going to more gigs and photoshoots alone recently, claiming that Hyuna couldn’t spend all of her time babysitting him. Of course, it was a cover-up, and the real reason was that he still felt really guilty for causing all of this commotion with Ivan and couldn’t face her properly, but his excuse worked and that was all that mattered. Besides, Till remembered that Luka would be coming back from his world tour soon, so of course Hyuna would want to spend more time with her boyfriend.

He already felt like he was getting in their way too much, always stealing Hyuna for work, forcing her to spend more time at the agency because of his antics and demanding too much attention. Sure, they were friends, but being friends didn’t allow him to rob his manager of any trace of personal life.

After Till got back home and rested for a bit, which meant lying on his sofa, phone in hand as he scrolled through takeout options, he picked a flavor of chicken that he still hadn’t given a try and decided to go through his inbox again. He saw that there were a couple of notifications from Gmail app during the workday, but didn’t want to check anything until he’d be home and comfortable.

There were several spam emails that went straight into the bin, two from nosy journalists who still tried to convince Till to give them an interview ‘to clear up his name’ and just couldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer, but there was also another one from…

Wait, wasn’t that a big Japanese brand?

Till promptly opened the email, eyes skimming the words on his screen. His heart picked up, beating loudly as he read sentence after sentence, pride and acknowledgement spreading weird feeling inside his chest, warm and sticky.

This was an invitation to an annual party that ‘KOMOREBI’, a huge brand that Till had heard so many good things about, sent to him directly. The party was happening on the 12^th of September, and the email stated that they were inviting him because of ‘his impact and professionalism’, and it couldn’t not be flattering. Considering everything that had went down, Till was starting to believe that everyone in this industry either hated him or secretly believed that he was an unreliable person, although he still did everything and more for his job. The Internet wouldn’t let him lie – his fan-accounts kept a good track of all of his projects and there had been plenty of them, most of them extremely successful. Heck, his work with LV was a crazy success! So what if he misspoke once? It’s not like his face got ugly all of a sudden because of that… He could still do his job well.

But everyone around him suddenly started pretending that they were above this, high morals and all pretense. As if none of his colleagues had shared gossip with him before, as if they never badmouthed big CEOs that they’d met at parties and designers during runways behind their backs, as if some of them didn’t despise their fans.

Bunch of hypocrites.

Just because he said something mean about His Majesty Ivan, this one guy everyone was thirsting over, Till was suddenly viewed as someone undeserving of respect. Well, at least, not everyone thought so, and this email was a clear proof of it. The sender emphasized that having Till at their party would be ‘a big honor’ and that they would make sure to ‘gift him a wonderful experience’.

It wouldn’t be his first party, but it would certainly be the biggest one so far, so Till needed to use this opportunity to work on his connections and convince as many people as he only could that he was still someone worthy of respect. But, first and foremost, it would be a good chance to unwind a bit. This kind of parties usually have pretty good alcohol and tasty dishes, so…

Right, he had to write them back and ask if he could bring his manager along. It would be terrible if Hyuna wasn’t allowed there. But as Till was about to write a response, he realized that there she still hadn’t wrote him back.

Worry washed over him as his mind went crazy with all of the possible reasons as to why his manager still hadn’t responded, one worse than the other. Till wasn’t used to being left on ‘delivered’, he, in fact, didn’t really know how to chat online properly, but based on the way Hyuna usually texted, it seemed like something went wrong.

Till quickly closed his Gmail and opened his Contacts, dialing Hyuna’s number once again. The seconds dragged on as he waited and, finally, his manager picked up.

‘Hi, are you OK?’ He asked quickly, worry seeping through his words. ‘Did something happen? You never leave me on ‘delivered’ and…’

‘Holy-moly, you sure blabber a lot.’ A voice that was definitely not Hyuna’s spoke on the other side of the line, and it took a couple of seconds to realized that it was Luka. ‘What, you can’t handle spending a day without your manager?’

‘No, I was just worried and… Wait, why did you pick up? Something did happen, right?’

‘Well, yeah.’ Luka answered reluctantly, probably still not fond of Till being so close with his girlfriend. ‘Hyuna got a fever, perhaps you overworking her finally caught up.’

Till felt his eye starting to twitch. Luka was annoying, always picking on him and giving him weird looks, twisting his words and making everything weird. What was so wrong about caring for his manager, his friend? And why did the man always assumed that it was Till who overworked Hyuna? She had other clients, a lot of them, actually, so it couldn’t be just him…

‘Shit, is it serious? I really didn’t want to bother her with work, just wanted to quickly ask something.’ Till answered honestly, thinking about the party. ‘I can call later if…’

‘Ugh, do you ever stop? Hyuna will be fine, I’ll make sure of it, but for now – she needs rest. If you have time tomorrow, you can drop by and hang out for a bit, she should be feeling better by that time.’

‘I do. Sorry for calling at the wrong time…’

‘It’s fine, just… Be ready to have a chat with me too.’                      

And before Till could answer, Luka hung up. Classical move from that guy, but everything Luka said actually made him feel terrible.

For so long, he didn’t take Hyuna’s well-being into consideration. Sure, he asked if she was OK, if she needed a day off, if he should ask someone else to deal with the things on the Internet, but she always brushed him off and reassured that everything was OK. Hyuna always made sure that Till felt well, that his schedule was bearable, she cared for him so much and he…

Remembering that there was still an email waiting to be answered, Till shoved all worries to the back of his mind, figuring that it would be smarter to talk to Hyuna about all of this tomorrow when he visits her and Luka’s place. He opened his inbox and quickly typed out response, trying to put all of his gratitude into words.

***

Hyuna and Luka lived on the other side of Seoul, apartment way too simple for two people who earn so much that they could probably afford a big house, if not three of them. But Till remembered that Hyuna’s reasoning behind choosing this place was lying in the safety department as she often complained about paparazzi always trying to figure out where Luka lived. If they got a modest flat somewhere outside of the city center, there was a better chance of keeping their peace, at least for some time. And, he had to admit, it was working so far. He would know, spending all of his time on the Internet, looking through articles on celebrities.

Still, the commute was hell. There was only one bus that went to their neighborhood, and Till spent fifteen minutes waiting for it, ready to curse out both the mayor and the government as a whole for not providing citizens with more fucking buses.

When he finally got to his destination, a bouquet of roses in one hand and a box of Hyuna’s favorite chocolates in another, it was already quite late. Thankfully, Till only had one thing on his schedule tomorrow, one variety show filming in the evening, so he could allow himself to spend more time here. He readjusted things in his hands and pressed the doorbell, nice melody ringing through the hall, and in what felt like a brief moment the door flew open, Luka giving him a stern look.

‘Come in. Hyuna’s still feeling not so well, so don’t you dare worry her with your stupid antics.’

Wow, that dude was surely obsessed. With control and, Till assumed, Hyuna too. It was still a miracle that he allowed her to work with her male clients, though, judging by how much jealousy there was in the air, it must’ve been quite hard for him.

Despite all of Luka’s warnings, Hyuna didn’t look so bad. She sat in their bed, scrolling through her phone in what seemed to be an attempt to soothe boredom, and when she heard Till coming in, she quickly looked up and smiled widely at him.

‘Till, you came! I’m sorry I made you worry…’

‘It’s alright, Luka explained everything to me,’ he answered, placing the box of sweets on the bedside drawer and sitting at the edge of the bed, ‘are you feeling better now?’

‘Yeah, it wasn’t even that bad. Luka just likes to blow things out of proportion.’

‘I don’t.’ The man said, entering the room and going straight to the armchair in the corner of the room. ‘You were burning up yesterday, about to pass out.’

‘Pfft, I wasn’t! Still… It felt nice to rest for a bit.’ Hyuna cheekily responded, eyes darting between her boyfriend and Till. ‘Guess I needed a break.’

Luka kept playfully scolding her and Till didn’t miss the way his lips tugged at the corners, a smile so soft that it made him feel like he was third-wheeling and needed to get up and leave to stop interrupting.

‘Hyuna, I…’ He started, pulling them both out of their own world. ‘I wanted to apologize properly. For… Making you worry so much and causing all the trouble. I didn’t think of just how negatively all of this would affect you and…’

‘Stop it, Till, you know that it’s my job to worry for you. Yes, you do cause trouble sometimes, maybe a little bit more than you should, but it’s nothing I can’t handle.’ Hyuna gave him her widest smile, throwing her phone away and reaching to pull her friend into a hug.

Till awkwardly wrapped his hands around her, feeling Luka’s burning gaze on his nape. Well, thank God they didn’t meet that often – that guy was insufferable.

‘Luka, stop staring!’ Hyuna called him out, a thing like this probably an ordinary occurrence. ‘You can’t be jealous when it comes to Till.’

‘You know I can.’

‘I know you can, but it doesn’t mean you should be.’ She pulled away, giving Luka a stern look.

They bickered for a little bit more, and watching them have this banter made Till realize just how lonely he’d been. No matter how much he tried to convince himself that he was better off alone, watching others share such tender and happy moments always made him feel jealous.

He tried to get into the conversation too in order to avoid awkwardness, and Hyuna eagerly welcomed him, asking about how his mom was, what happened yesterday at the photoshoots and if there was anything she’d missed.

‘Right, I wanted to ask you,’ Till said, suddenly remembering about the party. He took out his phone, opening the email he received from ‘KOMOREBI’ and giving it to Hyuna, ‘if you wanted to come with me. I asked if they allowed to bring ‘plus-one’ and they said that would be fine, but if you’re busy…’

‘Oh, is it on the 12^th?’ Hyuna’s smile faltered as she skimmed through the email. ‘I’m not sure I’d be able to… We had plans for the weekend and…’

‘Don’t worry, it’s fine!’ Till reassured, although he felt yet another painful pang in his chest. ‘You’re not obliged to escort me or anything, I know you’re quite busy.’

‘Still, maybe you could get Dewey to go with you?’ She tried to come up with a solution, guilt seeping through her words, although it shouldn’t even be there. ‘Just so you don’t go to Tokyo alone.’

Dewey was another employee at their agency, who often helped Hyuna with monitoring social media and some of the clients’ profiles. He was a good guy, but Till wasn’t that close with him. If he had to be honest, the man was way too loud for him, always cheerful and coming up with motivational quotes as if he had a book with them hidden somewhere for every possible occurrence.  

‘Well, I’ll think about it… It might be useful for him too.’ Till said after pretending to consider it for a moment. ‘And, before you say anything, I promise to be careful and not get into any fights.’

‘Don’t promise something you can’t do, kid.’ Luka interjected, yawning unnecessarily loud. ‘You said the same thing about Paris, didn’t you?’

‘I’m serious this time!’ Till turned to face the other man, frustration building up inside his chest. ‘Is it really that hard to believe me?’

‘Yes, it is.’

Till sighed, not wanting to argue with that stubborn man, while Hyuna laughed at both of them.

‘Come on, you two,’ she said, her smile making its’ comeback, ‘stop with this childish bickering! Luka, honey, I’m hungry, can you make us something?’

The man got up quickly and bolted out of the room, suddenly so eager to prepare their dinner. It would be funny if Luka wasn’t crazy, and Till decided not to comment on that. Instead, he turned his attention back to Hyuna, and they chatted for a little more, sharing a couple of interesting rumors that they’d heard from other people.

Soon, Luka brought a tray with several plates, the smell actually being good. The man handed one bowl of plain rice to Till and gave his girlfriend everything else, Hyuna’s face taking on a comic expression.

‘Um…’ Till said, staring at the bowl, unsure what to think of it. What if it was poisoned? ‘Thank you…?’

‘Eat quickly, kid,’ Luka said, a barely disguised warning, ‘we still have something to talk about.’

Just how was Hyuna fine with dating this guy? And how good was his PR-team if they managed to hide away his creepiness so well? Till could bet that none of Luka’s fans would even suspect that he was crazy like this, all of them under an impression that the dude was some prince-charming, when in reality he was just a plain weirdo.

After they ate their dinner at the bedroom, Till and Hyuna bid goodbyes and promised to talk on the phone tomorrow, Luka suggested seeing him out. It’s not like there was any possibility of escaping this guy, so, Till just obliged.

‘I’ll get straight to the point,’ Luka started while Till was putting on his sneakers by their door, ‘I want you to stop working with Hyuna.’

As if in slow motion, Till turned to face the man properly, his eyes gradually getting wider, probably to some comic extent as shock washed over him. He knew that Luka would say something unhinged, but this was even worse than Till could imagine.

‘Excuse me?’

‘Do I really have to repeat myself?’ The man answered, clearly annoyed with him. ‘You are Hyuna’s most valuable client, I know, but with how ungrateful you are, she might be better off having a couple more other guys who would maybe pay her less, but be way less problematic than you are.’

‘I believe that Hyuna is her own person,’ Till started, appalled with this boldness, ‘and she can choose who to work with herself.’

‘As selfless as she is, no, she can’t.’ Luka insisted, sighing exasperatedly. ‘And you’re abusing her kindness, Till. It was one thing when you were young, trying to build your career back, but I can’t have you do this to her now. Especially after all that bullshit you started coming up after fame got to you.’

Till’s head started spinning a little, accusations hitting him like a tidal wave. And it wasn’t like he could deny anything, really. He knew that whatever feud he had with Ivan was affecting everyone at their agency negatively, Hyuna having it the worst out of all as his manager. Unfortunately, Luka was right. If Till had thought of her as his friend, he should’ve stopped working with her.

‘Dude, I know you have your own issues,’ Till finally said, getting defensive, ‘but don’t project it onto other people.’

‘Wow, there’s no getting to you, yeah?’ The man scoffed, leaning back on the wall. ‘Let’s get back to this conversation after that little party of yours. If you manage to get yourself into any trouble in Tokyo, I’ll make sure you guys stop working together.’

‘You are crazy…’

‘And you’re crazy too. But at least I use my energy to protect someone I love, not harm them more.’

Till felt his jaw clench uncomfortably as he fought the urge to tell the man everything he thought of him. Had Luka forgotten that he was the one causing Hyuna a lot of pain, too? He still got chills remembering how he once found her after one of their many fights, and, as bad as he was at comforting people, Till somehow managed to help her push through and calm down. But, of course, bringing this up now would be disrespectful to Hyuna, so he just kept silent, collected his things and opened the door, leaving their place and not turning back once, knowing that Luka was trying to burn a hole in his nape with his heavy gaze.

Chapter Text

‘Yay, Tokyo, here I come!’ Dewey loudly exclaimed when he and Till stepped into the lounge of Narita airport, border quickly crossed with no hiccups. The man happily dragged his suitcase behind, turning around to face his companion, wide smile on his face. ‘I’m so excited!’

Till sighed, stopping in front of a signpost, trying to figure out where they needed to go next. He wished he could share Dewey’s sentiment, but the flight, despite being merely three hours, was rough, their poor airplane collecting one zone of turbulence after another, making the board shake and disturb Till’s sleep. And why did they always had to book the earliest flights that there only were?

‘Mhm, can you check what exit do we need?’ He drowsily asked the other man, mindlessly staring at the signpost. ‘I vaguely remember Hyuna’s instructions, but…’

‘Ah, let me check!’ Dewey said, pulling out his phone and looking up the information. ‘Hm, Hyuna said that we need to take the Skyliner, then hop on the subway and from there it’ll be ten minutes on foot.’

‘Ugh, why couldn’t the agency find anything closer…’ Till whined, but then mentally scolded himself for doing so. Dewey wasn’t Hyuna, he might not want to listen to all of his complaints and protests. ‘Anyway, lead the way.’

Dewey looked at him for a bit, head tilted to the side as confusion was written all over his face. The man seemingly decided to not bring up whatever was on his mind and just gave Till another wide smile and went in the right direction, joking about the other man ‘trying his best to not fall behind’.

Well, maybe, going here with Dewey was not the worst thing that could’ve happened. He wasn’t half as bad as Till had expected. Initially, when Hyuna brought this idea up, Till was a bit wary of the guy, and wanted to insist on going to Tokyo alone. He did perfect job in Paris (except for the time when he got lost, but he figured it out, so, it was nothing), so there was no reason not letting him do that for Japan. Yes, this thing with Ivan got its’ development after Paris, but it was only in the media. He wasn’t going to cause a scene in public.

To be completely honest, Till didn’t even know if Ivan was going to the party. That guy never shared plans like this on his socials, so there was no reliable way of finding any information on the man’s plans in that department. Till just knew that even if they don’t run into each other here, they’ll be meeting in Miami in November for the Fashion Week. It was still kind of hard to believe that he would be going to the States so soon, but Till somehow scored that for himself. Ivan already lived in the US, so it wasn’t that surprising to learn that he’d also be there.

But would he be in Tokyo?

When Till and Dewey finally got on the train after googling which transport card they could get the quickest and charged it, they placed their luggage into the designated zone and rushed to find empty seats. Thankfully, there were a couple of free spots still, and Dewey let Till sit next to the window.

‘Are you sure you don’t want the window seat?’ Till asked, feeling himself sink into an unexpectedly comfortable seat. ‘I thought you wanted to take in the view?’

‘Nah, it’s fine.’ Dewey promptly answered while searching for something in his backpack. ‘I’ll take the window seat next time.’

A smile lightly tugged at the corners of Till’s lips as he watched Dewey take out his Nintendo Switch and load up some game he didn’t recognize. He switched his attention back to the view that Tokyo offered. As the train rushed to reach its’ destination, the buildings flashed before Till’s eyes, one quickly giving place to another. He tried snapping a couple of photos, but all of them ended up being blurry and practically unusable for his socials. He sighed and gave up on the idea, letting his thoughts consume him again.

They were going to stay in Tokyo for three days, and Dewey was planning to make the most out of them, but Till could only think about the party and how bad it could go. Luka’s words still refused to leave his mind, constantly being brought up by his own mind as if to remind him of how fragile his relationship with Hyuna had become.

There was absolutely no guarantee that this party would go well. Sure, Till would try and be on his best behavior, but he wasn’t under any delusion that all of the sudden, everything would go as he wanted. He just had a feeling something was going to happen, and he couldn’t shake it off, no matter how hard he had tried.

When they finally got to their hotel, Till was beat. This flight so far was the most draining, somehow being worse than his way-longer flight to London back in February. Maybe, the fact that he didn’t get any proper sleep for the last week was also providing its’ additional effect, but if he had to stand up for at least ten more minutes, Till was sure that he’d end up falling asleep while standing.

Thankfully, Dewey actually started acting as a substitute manager after they got inside, taking everything in his hands when they reached the reception. The lady at the desk stared at him with a comic expression, and Till tried really hard to suppress his laughter. Dewey, oblivious to her probably developing at instant crush, talked about their reservation, two rooms for three nights with a check-out on the fourth evening, and the lady stared at him dumbly for a couple more seconds before looking the information up. Finally, she confirmed everything and handed them key cards from their respective rooms.

‘Dude, that lady definitely fell in love with you right there.’ Till said as soon as they went far enough away from the reception desk, waiting for the elevator. He suspected that if he doesn’t mention it, the other guy might never realize what had just happened. ‘Like, straight-up shooting you with heart eyes.’

‘Did she?’ Dewey said predictably, hitting the elevator button. ‘I didn’t notice anything.’

‘Of course you didn’t.’ Till chuckled and looked back at the girl. ‘She is still blushing, I can see it even here.’

Dewey looked back and managed to lock eyes with the girl, and Till couldn’t fight the loud laughter that escaped his mouth. Well, maybe this guy’s company wouldn’t be that bad after all.

***

Tokyo and Seoul had way too much in common.

Till thought that he’d never have to face this feeling again, after years of adapting to Seoul’s rhythm and its’ ways, he was under an assumption that no megapolis could make him feel small ever again. But there he was, at the famous Shibuya crossing, trying to not lose the sight of the blonde head in the crowd, his tall companion, thankfully, sticking out from the rest of the crowd. There were just too many people, and at this moment, Till felt so… suffocated.

Dewey insisted on them going out after resting for a bit in their rooms, already having all of the places he wanted to visit listed in his Notes. Till wasn’t exactly opposed to that, he just didn’t have anything in mind. Sure, he didn’t mind going to an anime store, perhaps he’d even buy something for himself or Hyuna as a souvenir, but that was about it. After all, he couldn’t really think of anything other than the party that would happen tomorrow, so it wasn’t that surprising that there were no specific plans.

But if Till knew that this feeling would pop out of nowhere, after ages of thinking that he had eradicated last bits of his ‘little town boy’ mindset, he wouldn’t have agreed. Everyone around him seemed to be in some sort of rush, worry hung in the air and he just felt so small. That was probably stupid – having an existential crisis in the middle of the busy crossroad, the most famous one in the world, at that – but it wasn’t something Till could control.

Finally, they got to a less crowded street, and he noticed that Dewey was about to ask him if everything was fine, but decided against voicing the question last moment, mouth already open. Instead, he pulled him into some store, ready to enjoy shopping.

Time was flying as they went from one place to another, but the feeling still lingered. Till tried focusing on the enjoyable parts of this experience, taking pictures of every pretty building or random things, and soon it worked. Dewey was actually a good travel companion – always suggesting taking photos of him, being considerate, always asking if Till wanted to stay somewhere for longer or if he was tired, and it was hard not to start thinking of him as a potential new friend.

Till definitely needed more friends.

‘Have you heard any rumors about the party tomorrow?’ Till asked when they sat at the table, poking chicken in his bowl with chopsticks. The restaurant they’d picked was busy, but the chatter didn’t bother him anymore. It was better than outside, so he could manage. ‘I know you have some connections, too, so…’

‘Um, let me think…’ Dewey said, mouth full of rice. ‘I think they’ve invited a lot of people this time, both in the industry and those influencer guys who they’re collaborating with. Might be their biggest party so far.’

Till chewed on his chicken, thinking of how to make the most out of the party. Perhaps, he should try to branch out and make some connections with these influencers. They’d been getting more and more involved with fashion for whatever reason, so, maybe, this could be useful for whatever future was holding for him.

‘Mhm, and what about…’

‘Ivan?’ Dewey didn’t let him finish, hiding his smirk behind his beer can. ‘Sorry, I don’t know anything about his plans.’

‘I wasn’t going to ask about him!’ Till yelped, cringing from himself as he realized the he, indeed, overreacted. ‘I don’t care if he’s there or not!’

‘Chill out, dude, it’s not that deep.’ The other man sighed, placing his beer can back on the table. ‘I would never judge a guy for having a crush.’

‘What?!’ Till’s eyes went comically wide, chopsticks dramatically falling from his hand. ‘What are you talking about?’

‘Come on, you’re doing a horrible job hiding it.’ Dewey wiggled his eyebrows in a suggestive manner.

‘First of all, I’m not gay!’ Till exclaimed way too loudly, quickly toning it down and hoping that no one around them understood Korean. ‘Secondly, why would I like someone as pretentious as Ivan? Dude’s fake as fuck.’

‘I mean, you are obsessed with him, not me.’ Dewey shrugged and finished his beer, calling up a waiter to ask for another one. ‘Sorry if I assumed wrong, but you sure you actually hate the guy?’

‘Of course I do… He’s been making my life miserable for these past few months, he is my one and only real competition in the industry, why would I like him?’

‘Dunno, I ain’t gay myself to know anything about how it works, dude. But aren’t you too… Fixated on him, then? Sure, media like to pit you two against each other, but it’s nothing too serious. Yet, you’re always acting as if Ivan ruined your entire career and you’re trying to get back at him, although I’m not sure if you had any history prior to your public feud.’

Till sighed, looking down at his bowl. He stuffed another portion of noodles into his mouth and angrily chewed on them, trying to think of an explanation for whatever was going on between him and Ivan.

The man was just… Infuriating. Since they had started playing this game, both of them had been getting themselves way more headlines than usual, but, for whatever reason (Till suspected it, but he couldn’t prove it), there were way more ugly articles about him than about Ivan, despite the other guy being just as involved in this shit as he was. Heck, one time Ivan did a live-show, which was another uncharacteristic first for him, and badmouthed Till! Yet, when he checked if there were any articles calling Ivan out for being unprofessional, there was only praise for standing his ground and shining ‘as brightly as ever’! Did he buy all of the media, or saying that someone was ‘acting childish and immature’ wasn’t considered bad anymore?

Frankly speaking, Till wasn’t sure if he should continue playing this game. Ivan was obviously not backing down, and he already proved that he was better in every aspect. The only thing that Till was getting from it was a bit of recognition, but other than that… It was hurting everything, including his mental health and their friendship with Hyuna. Besides, Ivan was friends with Sua, and what was she thinking of this whole situation? Maybe, she wouldn’t want to ever work with him again, and he’d try his best to get over it, but it would hurt.

‘I actually wanted to put an end to it a while ago.’ Till said after the silence between them got too awkward. ‘You know, I tried to apologize to him back in Paris, but it didn’t work out.’

‘Of course it didn’t…’ Dewey said, clearly frustrated.

‘And then it just kept going on, one thing after another and… I just wanted to see him fall, I guess? But no matter what he does, the public just loves him.’

‘I mean… I honestly believe that you would’ve benefited way more from being friends with him, but it’s just my opinion.’

‘Hyuna said the same thing, but I… I don’t do friends, especially not in the industry.’

‘Why not?’

Dewey wasn’t bad. He was actually a decent guy (except for his crazy suggestion about Ivan and him a bit earlier), so… Would it hurt telling him a bit more?

‘You know that I used to be an actor in the past, right?’ Till asked, waiting for Dewey to nod to continue. ‘Well, there were a lot of people around my family and I who seemed to want ‘the best’ for us, but they ended up betraying us horribly. I had to spend years trying to clear our debts and worked really hard to earn back my reputation. I always thought getting close with people was risky, what if you have a falling out and they come to the media to tell all of your secrets? The only person I can trust right now is Hyuna, we’ve been friends for years and she is always making sure things work out in my favor.’

‘Hm, makes sense…’ Dewey said after a while, the beer can pressed to his lips as he thought long and hard about what Till had just told him. ‘But didn’t this public rivalry thing bring the same results? Maybe Ivan doesn’t know anything about your private life, but he managed to exploit those weaknesses that you did show to the public and twist things into his favor?’

Till felt his face get hotter as the meaning of Dewey’s words started to settle in. He didn’t even try to look at this situation from that angle. His habit of distancing himself from good things stopped him from seeing how well the opposite could work.

‘Damn, I fucked up big time…’ He sighed, hands pressed into his eyes as tears started to well up. ‘I’m so stupid.’

‘It’s not too late to fix it!’ The other man quickly said, feeling confused as he failed to recognize what was it that he said that made Till react this way. ‘Hey, don’t cry!’

‘But how?’ Till looked up, his mind speeding up to create more and more intrusive thoughts. ‘People had already thought terribly of me before, but now the public just… hates me.’

‘Dude, you can’t be serious… You know how many fan letters for you we have to take from our letterbox every day at the agency? I think there’s already over two thousands of them, dunno if Hyuna ever told you about it, though.’

‘Really? I didn’t know…’

‘The point is, there are still a lot of people who love you!’ Dewey said, smiling at him in his best attempt to comfort Till. ‘And there would be even more if you managed to clear things up with Ivan and tell the public about it. People love when feuds end in friendship.’

Till gave it a little bit more thought, finishing his own glass of juice. Dewey might be right – there was still a way to fix it. He just needed to… beg Ivan to forgive him? Maybe, he was actually expecting Till to beg the first time he misspoke and that was why he didn’t accept his apology in Paris? It would be a little humiliating, but not the worst thing Till had to ever do, so…

‘I’m so glad we went here together.’ He said, looking up at Dewey who seemed even more confused than before. ‘I needed to talk to someone, so… Thank you for listening.’

‘No problem, dude. All of us need to vent sometimes!’

***

The party was taking place on a fancy villa in the suburbs, which seemed a bit unusual, but when Till and Dewey got to the place and saw just how many people were invited, everything became instantly clear.

Till adjusted his blazer for what seemed to be a hundredth time, nervously fixing its’ sleeves as he pondered whether he should fold them or not. It was his favorite suit, Till brought it specifically to look his best at the party, but he couldn’t stop himself from worrying. Dewey was sending weird looks his way the whole time, probably still thinking of their heartfelt conversation yesterday, but Till didn’t comment on it, too focused on his worries again.

‘Dude, you need to unwind!’ Dewey said as soon as they entered the villa, searching for alcohol with his eyes. ‘Let’s go grab something to drink to start the night.’

‘Ah, wait-wait-wait!’ Till yelped as his companion dragged him towards the table with all kinds of beverages. There were so many people around them, and he looked under his feet to make sure he didn’t step on anyone’s crazy expensive shoes, as they walked towards the drinks. ‘I don’t want to drink yet!’

‘Well, I do want to drink already, and we’re not getting separated today for your own sake, so follow me.’

After they got their drinks, Dewey taking a fancy glass of what looked to be really expensive wine, Till settling for cola, they got to the ‘talking with other people’ part. There were a lot of Till’s acquaintances, and Dewey insisted on introducing him to all of them, so they started going around, sharing small talk with fellow models and designers.

‘Oh, if it isn’t our most anticipated guest!’ Someone said, and Till turned around to see the head of ‘KOMOREBI’, a woman in her forties, smiling wide at him. ‘It’s nice to finally meet you, Till.’

He mirrored her smile, greeting her politely and mustering his best smile.

‘Hello, Miss Nakamura! It’s an honor to be here, thank you so much for inviting me.’

They talked briefly, Till promptly introducing Dewey to her and all of them exchanging praise for each other, suits ‘making them incredibly handsome’ and the villa ‘being wonderful’. This exchange of pleasantries, however, ended abruptly with Miss Nakamura being forced to check something on the second floor. They promised to hang out a bit more later as she excused herself, and Till struggled to calm his nerves down, his whole body buzzing with excitement.

‘Oh my God, that was insane.’ He turned to face Dewey, leaning back on the wall as they occupied that little spot in the corner of the room. ‘She is so cool, I didn’t expect her to actually like me.’

‘You’re underselling yourself so much, dude… If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were fishing for compliments here.’

Till scoffed, not wanting to argue. It’s not like that and now both of them knew it.

Then, he actually started drinking. All this small talk started getting old and there was an urge to relax a bit already, so Till grabbed a glass of sake, probably some fancy and expensive brand, and downed it in two gulps. The alcohol burned on his tongue, but the effect from it was instant, all of his muscles loosening up all at once. Dewey kept watching him carefully, making sure he didn’t embarrass himself, and Till already started thinking of the ways to thank the guy for looking out for him.

However, they eventually went separate ways after Till had to quickly go to the restroom and failed to find Dewey again. Despite the guy being obnoxiously tall, he couldn’t make out his blond head in the crowd. Deciding that he didn’t really care and could handle being on his own for some time, Till got back to talking with people. It was already rather late, and the DJ which, apparently, was always there but went unnoticed by Till before, started playing more energetic songs, urging people to dance more. The light was also appropriately deemed, and people started gathering up in the middle of the room to dance a bit. Till didn’t feel like it, so he kept to the side, and when his glass got empty again, he decided to go grab another one, only to bump into someone and feel his fucking favorite suit get drenched in booze.

‘Oh my God!’ The woman who he collided with shrieked, clearly shocked. ‘I’m so sorry, oh God, I’m so sorry, it’s just so dark here and…’

‘Shit…’ Till mumbled and looked up, freezing for a moment. The girl was gorgeous, wearing a black dress that was putting an emphasis on… well, her chest, and Till’s drunk mind didn’t catch up fast enough, so he stared for a moment like a creep. ‘Look where you’re going, it’s dark here for all off us.’

‘I’m so-so-so sorry, let me… Shit, your blazer looks really expensive, um, ugh… Wait, my girlfriend is a designer, she might know how to make it so it doesn’t stain!’

Till’s mind struggle to catch up. Who was this girl? Why was she so pretty? Did she just say girlfriend? Ugh, what a shame, he was about to suggest hooking up and… Wait, her girlfriend was a designer?

‘Uh, I mean… Sure?’ He decided on settling on that, trying to blink away his confusion. ‘Let’s ask your girlfriend…’

And just like that, the stranger lady was dragging him across the room to the kitchen, talking his ear off as she continued to apologize and lament over their unfortunate accident. Till just hoped that this mysterious girl actually knew how to get rid off the stain, this suit was his first one, the one that carried the most memories. Sure, it was a simple black suit, nothing crazy, but the meaning it held…

‘Sua, I fucked up big time!!!’ The pink-haired lady whined when they finally found her girlfriend. ‘I spilled wine over that guy and…’

‘Mizi…’ The mysterious girlfriend turned around to face them after placing her own glass of champagne on the counter, freezing on her spot. ‘…Till?’

He looked up and froze, too, realizing that it was ‘CLEMATIS’ designer, standing right in front of him. His mind tried to analyze everything that had just happened and remembered the pink-haired lady dragging him to his girlfriend… Wait, Sua was into girls?

‘Are you into women?’ He blurted out, blinking at the girl dumbly. ‘Wait, this came out wrong… Just, ugh, that girl mentioned her girlfriend after she spilled her drink over me and… Um…’

‘God, just shut up.’ Sua cut him off before he could embarrass himself even more. ‘Don’t out us like this.’

‘But I just said what she told me…’

‘Wait, you two know each other?’ The pink-haired girl, Mizi, said, looking between them, getting even more confused than she was before.

‘Mizi, this is Till.’ Sua answered, sounding weirdly fond all of the sudden. Right, they were girlfriends, of course they were soft for each other… Wait, how come Till didn’t know about that?

‘Till?! As in the Till who is obsessed with Ivan?’ Mizi asked, her eyes growing comically wide.

‘I’m not obsessed with him! What is up with everyone just assuming that?’ Till protested, getting more and more exhausted by the minute, his hand flying up to pinch the bridge of his nose in exasperation. ‘Wait, if you are here…’

‘Yes, he’s also here.’ Sua cut him off once again, rolling her eyes. ‘Anyway, let me look at your blazer.’

Till obliged and took it off, handing the poor blazer to Sua. She brought out her phone to turn the torch on it and got to closely inspecting the fabric.

‘Well, I think it’s fixable, but you’ll need to get to it as soon as you get back to your hotel.’

‘Wait, if I screw up, shouldn’t I be the one to clean it?’ Mizi chimed in, definitely feeling guilty over it. ‘Besides, it turned out that you two know each other, so it wouldn’t be hard for me to return it back to Till, right?’

‘Suit yourself, baby.’ Sua answered, putting her phone back in her purse, and turned back to talk to Till. ‘When are you leaving Tokyo? I think it’d be fixed in a couple of days.’

‘Um, tomorrow…’ Till mumbled, feeling like he’s third-wheeling somehow. The fact that Ivan was here somewhere was also bothering him so much that the only thing he wanted to do was to run away. ‘It’s fine, you can give it back to me in November, I know you’ll be in Miami too.’

‘Wow, rumors sure do travel fast.’ She chuckled and handed Till’s blazer to Mizi. ‘You heard him, love, now it’s yours to deal with.’

‘Once again, so sorry that it happened, I swear I didn’t mean it…’ The girl took the blazer and held carefully onto the fabric. ‘The fact that you two know each other makes me feel even worse for some reason…’

‘Come on, it’s gotta be karma.’ Sua said, wrapping Mizi intro a possessive hug. ‘Maybe Till deserved it for how he’s been acting recently.’

‘Hey…’ Till wanted to protest, but bit his tongue mid-sentence. ‘It was Ivan who didn’t accept my apology…’

‘Oh really? Just so you know, I’m on his side and would advise on getting over this stupid thing as soon as possible.’

‘Don’t worry, I was actually meaning to beg for his forgiveness the next time we run into each other.’ Till half-joked, alcohol in him letting his tongue a bit loose, too. ‘I’m tired of whatever’s been going on too.’

‘Smart choice.’ Till felt himself jump as his brain registered the voice behind him. ‘Though, I’m afraid that it won’t do anything at this point.’

Till quickly turned to face Ivan. The guy was wearing his typical white shirt and weirdly tight pants… Wait, where was he looking at? He forced himself to look up and their eyes met, Ivan’s gaze burning on his skin. There was always something about his eyes, something… weird and unfamiliar, something that Till couldn’t give a name to, and it was… bothersome.

‘No chance for forgiveness?’ Sua asked, still clinging onto Mizi who was looking expectantly at both Ivan and Till. ‘You know that I’d have to work with Till again sometime, right?’

‘And I never said anything against that.’ Ivan calmly answered, his eyes traveling down, studying Till. ‘Just not when I’m around.’

‘Ivan, I’m serious about that.’ Till chimed in, frantically trying to get ahold of the situation. ‘This has gone for way too long, I’ve learned my mistake and I’d never try to steal what’s yours again, I promise!’

Ivan scoffed and reached out to grab a glass of what looked like orange juice from the counter behind the girls, making the distance between him and Till bigger.

‘You’re backing out already?’ He said after getting a sip, smiling mischievously at him. ‘And what if I say that I’ll continue anyway?’

‘Come on, Ivan!’ Mizi exclaimed, looking at Ivan weirdly. ‘Do you really want to torture this poor guy even more?’

‘Um, I’m afraid I don’t get it…’ Till said, rubbing his nape in a nervous gesture. ‘What do you want me to do?’

‘Hm, dunno.’ Ivan answered dismissively, finishing his juice. ‘Try to be creative with it or something? Words are getting old.’

‘You’re just being an asshole.’ Till concluded, sighing exasperatedly. This was getting ridiculous and if this continues… ‘You are enjoying this, aren’t you?’

‘You constantly talking about me? Well, it’s always flattering when a handsome guy can’t get you out of his head.’

‘What the fuck? That sounded gay.’

‘And what about it? Don’t tell me that you’re a homophobic prick on top of that horrible personality of yours.’

When did the girls leave the kitchen? Somehow, they ended up being alone, and the fact that he was stuck with a horrible gay guy alone… Wait, would they take his side as a sign of solidarity here, too? Fuck, why was everyone gay all of the sudden?

‘And you’re, apparently, an asshole and a faggot.’

Before his brain could even process what was happening, Ivan was crowding him against the counter. They didn’t have a crazy height difference, but Till felt really small under the other man’s intense gaze. He tried to push Ivan away, pressing his hands against his firm chest, but the alcohol made his movements frantic and weak.

‘Eww, step away!’ Till grimaced, avoiding eye contact. ‘Forget whatever I said about apologizing, you are horrible.’

‘Huh, and just for how long are you planning to keep going?’ Ivan scoffed, his gaze lingering on Till’s neck, which was exposed now. ‘Avoiding whatever the real reason behind all of this is?’

‘What are you talking about?’ Till turned to look at him, locking eyes with Ivan again and feeling shivers run down his spine. Why could he make out some red in his eyes? They were usually pitch dark, but now they looked different. ‘The reason is simple – I wanted to take your Number One spot in the industry and… I guess I failed. I admit defeat, fine?’

‘So you’re still in hard denial, huh.’ Ivan looked away, and Till noticed something flicker in his eyes. ‘I thought you’d figure it out by now already, but now I know why it’s still like that…’

‘Stop talking in riddles!’ He hit him on his chest, trying to get out of Ivan’s presence. ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about and I don’t want to! I just want… Want it to stop…’

‘How can I stop it if it’s in your head, Till?’ Ivan looked back at him with… pity? ‘I can’t do anything about it unless you admit that you’re obsessed with me.’

Fuck, this word became Till’s least favorite word in just two days. Fuck everyone calling him obsessed, he wasn’t.

Not with Ivan. Maybe with being the best at what he does, yes, but not with that guy…

‘Nonsense. Whatever you’re implying – I’m not that. I’m normal, unlike… you.’

‘Sure you are.’ Ivan nodded and leaned closer, his lips being dangerously close to Till’s ear. ‘And your boner is also not that.’

Till felt his face heat up and awkwardly looked down at his crotch.

What the fuck?!

‘Get away from me!’ He found last bits of strength in himself and pushed Ivan away, breath ragged and face burning up. ‘What the fuck is wrong with you?!’

Till didn’t even let the other man answer, just bolted out of the kitchen and started looking for Dewey. He didn’t remember if he managed to find him quickly or not, how they got back, but as soon as they got back to the hotel, Till locked himself inside his room, hearing his door lock automatically and slid down against its’ surface onto the floor, burying his head in his knees.

His head hurt, all kinds of thoughts rushing through his mind at crazy speed. He wouldn’t cry, no, not because of that prick. Yet, Ivan’s words echoed in Till’s mind, a vicious mockery, a reminder of what he got himself into.

Perhaps, somewhere deep inside, he already knew that this level of investment into this game meant something else. Maybe, his eyes lingered at Ivan’s face for longer than needed every time he stumbled upon a particularly good picture of him. There was a chance that he wondered if Ivan actually had someone in his life… But it was only because of their rivalry!

Whatever that awful guy was implying with his vague words…

Till couldn’t let himself be it.

Chapter Text

After Till somehow managed to force himself up from the floor of his hotel room, what seemed to have taken hours, but must’ve been only around twenty minutes, he did things on autopilot. He answered Hyuna’s messages, reassured her that the night had gone great, and apologized to Dewey for acting distant on their way back over the text. After getting undressed, he stepped into the shower. The water was supposed to help clear his mind, but it didn’t. Till only felt exhaustion and confusion weigh more and more on him, thoughts tangling up with one another as he stood under the water, staring down at the floor.

Despite some unshed tears still standing in Till’s eyes and mind buzzing with jumbled up worries, he fell asleep rather fast. And Till wasn’t someone who saw dreams very often, in fact, if asked, he’d struggle to remember when was the last time he’d even seen one. Perhaps, his messed up sleeping schedule was to blame, considering how many nights ended up being sleepless, how many of them were cut in half because he just woke up suddenly in the middle of the night and couldn’t fall back asleep, he might not had gotten enough of REM sleep in ages. So, maybe it wasn’t that surprising that he usually didn’t see anything at night.

Except, this time, Till dreamt of his father.

It was a nice dream at first, vibrant and happy, where his father and him cuddled up in what must’ve been their old apartment, bits and pieces of what made it special stored in Till’s mind somewhere far away and brought up tonight, from a dark corner of his memory where they usually rested. They used to do this often – his father would play guitar for him, soft melodies and quiet words, and Till would cling to his side, eyes glistering with awe as he listened his father handle the strings masterfully. After his father finished a song, Till would cling to him even more and ask him to play more, begging for ‘just one more song’. His father would rarely give in, but sometimes he did, and soon Till’s mom would come and scold them for being too loud, but she enjoyed the music just as much as both of them did, just never admitted it.

But a dream would soon turn into a nightmare, when suddenly the usual scenario Till still remembered and held close to his heart was interrupted by a loud thud, guitar slamming against the floor, his father suddenly getting angry with Till and screaming at him.

‘It’s your fault!’ He yelled, towering over Till, who tried to stand up from the sofa, but it was as if his limbs got glued to the material, restricting his movements. ‘Everything is your fault!’

Tears streamed down his face as Till felt the room close around them, his father’s face, the one he barely remembered now, started twisting in an ugly grimace, hands reaching to squeeze his shoulders roughly.

‘You’re my biggest regret,’ his father hissed, eyes wide with anger, ‘I wish you’ve never been born.’

And with that, Till felt himself sit up on the bed, breath uneven as his heart raced against the ribcage, hands clutching the fabric of the blanket. He looked around, brain struggling to catch up with reality after having to face something as intense as whatever this dream was.

How long had it been since he had last talked to his father? It must’ve been years at this point. There was no reason to talk to that man, after he became someone who Till couldn’t bare to call ‘father’. It was a shell of a person he once loved, someone who taught him so much and couldn’t find a gentler way to let him down.

Till was always a ‘papa’s boy’, actually. Hyuna now often joked about him being so attached to his mother, but back in the day, it couldn’t be more different. Him and his father did everything together. His father, his dad, would usually pick him up after school and spoil him with his favorite ice cream, always praising Till for getting a good mark or listening attentively to whatever had happened during the school day, making sure that he felt seen and understood.

Till might never be able to stop blaming himself for what happened. It ruined not only his life, but his parents’ marriage, too. Maybe, if he didn’t dream of something as stupid as he did, they would’ve been happy. After all, after his parents had split up, Till never saw his mom’s genuine smile ever again, and it hurt. That’s why he tried, he tried so desperately to be a good son, but he always felt like he was failing no matter what he did.

His altercation with Ivan must’ve woken some of the ugly feelings up, his subconscious sending him some sort of a warning. This wasn’t random, it was a sign to take action and face his fears already.

Perhaps, therapy was a worthy investment. He could find a good specialist, given that he had more than enough money to get one, and figure things out. But opening up is scary. It requires being vulnerable, and Till hated that, hated feeling weak and being at the mercy of someone.

And what would he tell them, even if he decided that it was finally the time? Complain about daddy leaving the family, deciding that drugs are more important than his favorite son? Discuss how he had never really truly liked anyone, afraid that the person he’d develop feelings for would also abandon him? It would be pathetic, wouldn’t it?

Till was a successful young man, whose fans kept him trending every day on the Internet. Big brands wanted him, journalists demanded interviews, and tabloids wanted him gone. It was embarrassing to admit that he, in fact, was an insecure man, a lonely guy with no friends who practically had nothing but his success, and Till was so afraid to lose it. And why did he have to get himself into this stupid push-and-pull game with another big model? Ivan was the more experienced and more well-liked guy than he could ever hope to be, of course it was never a smart idea to get involved with him!

Sighing loudly, Till fell back on the sheets. To say that he felt lost would be an understatement.

He couldn’t possibly have feelings for that awful guy, could he? Till was straight, as far as he knew. Surely, he would’ve known by now if he wasn’t, considering that he was in such an industry for so long. And yet, he could only remember finding girls attractive, really feminine ones at that.

Still, when he mentally went back to their altercation, when he remembered just how pretty Ivan’s eyes looked, Till’s heart skipped a bit. No, not pretty, they were just… unusual. It had nothing to do with attraction! Ivan just had weird eyes that creeped him out.

Reaching for the bedside drawer, Till took his phone and checked the time, his phone’s screen proudly showing that it was 3AM. Groaning in frustration, he put the device away and rolled on his side, eyes fixing on a glimpse of city lights that tried to enter into the room through a gap in the curtains. His mind replayed Ivan’s words, over and over, trying to make sense of the situation, only to end up feeling more frustrated and tired.

They’d have to talk again, right? Till needed to put an end to this. Whatever Ivan was implying, whatever the ‘real’ reason that he hinted towards was… It didn’t matter.

Couldn’t matter, no.

***

[unknown number] Hello, is this Till?

Till stared at his phone, surprised and confused, caught by surprise in the middle of his bedroom. Did his phone number get leaked or something? No, this didn’t make sense – if it actually did get leaked, his phone would’ve probably exploded with messages by now, he knew he had more than enough fans that were capable of it. But it was a single text, a really specific one at that.

He contemplated whether or not it would be smart just to block this random. They somehow suspected that it was his number, so that couldn’t be a good sign…

Still, something inside told him that it would be wiser to answer. Maybe, for some reason, someone in the industry shared his number, and blocking someone who could potentially be a colleague or an employer would be… rude. He quickly typed out a reply, waiting for an explanation.

[till] um, yes… hello?

[unknown number] Thank Goodness!

[unknown number] I was starting to get worried I mixed up the number or something

[unknown number] It’s Mizi, I wanted to return your blazer back

[unknown number] Are you in Seoul now?

Oh, right. Before everything happened with Ivan that night in Tokyo, this really pretty girl who somehow ended up being Sua’s girlfriend spilled her wine all over his favorite suit. It’s been around a week since the party, and when Till had to unpack his things after getting back, he noticed the absence of the blazer, but couldn’t remember where it went. He didn’t drink that much that night, but the mixture of alcohol and their interaction with Ivan wiped out pretty much everything that had happened prior from his memory.

[till] oh, right

[till] yes, I’m in Seoul, where can we meet?

Now that he remembered that the blazer needed to be returned, he couldn’t wait much for it. Besides, it’s not like his schedule would always be this free. In fact, it was suspiciously free now. Since Dewey and him got back to Korea, he only had two shoots and one variety show appearance, and he suspected that his travel companion might be at fault here. He must’ve told Hyuna something happened at the party and suggested giving Till more free time to rest.

Which didn’t work, obviously, since Till was the master of overthinking, but Dewey didn’t need to know that. Why did Hyuna agree to that, though, still confused him. It’s not like he couldn’t see adjustments on the Spreadsheet, he was supposed to have a busy week, but his manager changed that.

It was nice to think that someone cared, though.

His phone buzzed with another notification, Mizi sending him a location of a café, explaining that the place was relatively new, but the pastries there was wonderful, and they could ‘kill two birds with one stone’ like that. Till agreed, figuring that the place wasn’t that far away from his apartment, and suggested meeting in the evening.

Until then, he decided on doing some quick research. Why had he never heard of Sua having a girlfriend before? It also didn’t seem recent, the girls were really comfortable with each other. But a quick search on the Internet didn’t provide him with much of useful information. In fact, there wasn’t much about Mizi at all, except for her vlogging channel popping up first thing and a couple of her other socials next.

So, they were hiding. But wasn’t it reckless to be so touchy at a party? Till didn’t get it. If he dated someone in secret, he’d probably try to stay away in public, given that walls had both ears and eyes.

It turns out that Mizi was actually a really famous influencer, with almost two million subscribers. Her content was simple, but Till assumed that it was her lively personality that drove people in, her comments flooded with compliments about how her videos brightened the mood, some people praising her editing skills and others begging for Mizi to ‘give them a chance’.

Funny.

The commute to the café was nice, Till somehow managing to avoid rush hour and getting to the destination smoothly. The place looked exactly like the photos, the atmosphere comfortable as the smell of delicious pastries behind the glass case, drawing him in. He strolled closer to it, inspecting the desserts. He was trying to cut short on sweets these days, but one time wouldn’t hurt, right…?

Till re-adjusted his mask, taking off his cap. There were only a couple of older people around and a girl in the far back on her laptop, so there was a slim chance of getting recognized, so he felt his shoulders relax a bit. Mizi warned him that she’d be five minutes late, asking him to get her a plain cappuccino, and he did just that, buying himself a croissant and a cup of hot chocolate.

After getting their order, he went to sit at the window, placing their cups and his plate on the table. Till slowly sipped on the chocolate when the bell on the door ring and his eyes flew up to see the pink-haired girl storm into the café, clutching a packet with what must’ve been Till’s blazer close to her chest. She quickly scanned the place with her eyes and, after noticing Till, waved her hand at him enthusiastically.

‘Hi!’ Mizi exclaimed, pulling out a chair across from Till and taking a seat, still clutching the packet. ‘Sorry to keep you waiting, bus got stuck in the traffic.’

‘It’s OK,’ Till answered honestly, ‘I’m free today anyway.’

‘Your blazer is here,’ She said, giving him the packet, ‘we made sure to get it as clean as new.’

‘Thanks,’ He took the packet and looked inside, seeing the blazer neatly folded inside, ‘that’s really nice of you.’

‘It’s the least I could do after ruining your outfit.’ Mizi smiled, reaching for her cup and taking a sip. ‘Oh, it’s so good! Must be the tastiest coffee I had in Seoul in a long time.’

‘Do you live in Seoul or just visit often?’ Till decided to hold onto the last bit, putting the packet away and getting his croissant. ‘I took a look at your channel, but couldn’t figure it out.’

‘Well, how do I explain… I live both in London and in Seoul now.’

‘Oh?’

‘Sua’s constantly in England, so I fly there really often, but I still have an apartment here.’ Mizi quickly explained, looking out in the window. ‘It’s not very easy, but we’re trying to make it work.’

‘I was surprised to learn that you two are together… Sua never hinted at anything like this, let alone talk about it.’

‘Because it’s a secret,’ She smiled cheekily, looking back at him, ‘and if I wasn’t a little drunk myself, I would’ve never told you I was with my girlfriend at the party.’

‘A-ah, makes sense,’ Till nodded and took another bite of his croissant, ‘but, um… Is it rude for me to ask why is it a secret?’

‘Well, since you are not a stranger, I don’t mind telling you.’ Mizi honestly answered, posture relaxed. ‘You know how women are generally treated, right? Well, in the fashion industry, misogyny flourishes like nowhere else, despite the fact that it would’ve been nothing without women. Sua had to deal with a lot, both from the public and her colleagues. She was afraid that if the word gets around that we’re together, we’d both end up in trouble, and… She’s just too sensitive for that. I refuse to see her get hurt, people already say enough about her work… And although I would actually like for us to go public someday, her well-being matters to me the most.’

Till listened attentively, nodding along as he digested the information. He himself knew what people said about ‘CLEMATIS’ and its’ designer, given that he practically read every article about fashion now, and after the London Fashion Week, he realized that Sua was always quite a sensitive person, she was just also a really responsible and diligent worker, that’s why Till didn’t notice the anxiety in all of her actions earlier, attributing things to perfectionism.

‘Makes sense,’ he settled on responding, ‘but you were so touchy at the party…’

‘Heh, can’t girls cling onto each other for a bit?’ Mizi chuckled, shaking her head in disbelief. ‘We didn’t do anything that would sell us off, and it’s all that matters.’

‘Huh,’ Till frowned, thinking about what the girl had just said, ‘where is the line, then?’

‘You’d know if you had to hide something for a long time.’

He looked away, processing the information. Right, he never even had a real relationship to think of what would be the right way to approach it, considering his popularity. It would depend on a lot of things, like his partner’s status, whether or not they would be comfortable with letting the world know about the relationship, and many other little things that he probably couldn’t even think of.

‘Maybe…’

‘Oh, that reminds me,’ Mizi interrupted him, putting her cup on the table and leaning closer to him, ‘how did the talk with Ivan go? We lost track of you, and he refused to tell us anything.’

‘Um… I’m sorry, but I’d rather not talk about him.’

‘Come on!’ Mizi protested, looking at him expectantly. ‘Why not? Both you and Ivan are friends of Sua and, by extension, my friends too! I want to know what’s up.’

Oh God, just how easy was it for her? They didn’t even talk that much yet, but she considered Till a friend? When he himself wasn’t even sure if he was Sua’s friend at that moment.

He wasn’t used to anything like that, always keeping people at some distance, afraid to let them in, and that’s why he only had one real friend. That friend, though, had her own stuff going on, so why would Till worry her more than he already did with their job?

So, maybe… It wouldn’t hurt to share something with Mizi? She seemed nice, cleaned his blazer even though she could’ve dropped him there, with wine stains on it, and opened up herself a bit.

He looked back at her, sighing loudly after finishing his croissant.

‘Fine, OK… Um, I don’t know when you guys left us alone, but we ended up arguing and…’

‘Arguing?!’

‘Is it so surprising? We always do that, I mean, we’re rivals for a reason…’

‘Wait-wait-wait, I have a question…’ Mizi cut him off, brows furrowed together. ‘Do you actually hate Ivan?’

‘Why would I not?’ Till scoffed, crossing his arms against his chest as he leaned back on his chair. ‘I know he’s yours and Sua’s friend, but he is awful.’

‘But what makes him so awful? I don’t get it…’

‘Literally everything?’ Shaking his head in disbelief, he closed his eyes in order to not lose composure. ‘His personality, his voice, his face, his posture… I can name it all day.’

‘Or you can just admit that you’re obsessed with him.’

‘You said it at the party, too!’ Till exclaimed, getting frustrated as he sent Mizi a stern look. ‘Why would you even suggest that? I’m not gay!’

‘I didn’t say you were…’ Mizi suddenly backed away, sensing his anger. ‘But I genuinely don’t believe that you hate Ivan.’

‘What should I do to prove it, then?’

‘You don’t need to prove anything, jeez…’ She sighed, looking down at her cup and regretting that there wasn’t much left. ‘I just think you need to be honest with yourself and him. It might come off as arrogant and you can say that it’s not my business, but it is, to certain extent, my business too. Both of you are important to Sua, and if she won’t say it, I will. And she doesn’t want to see whatever the fuck you two have going on.’

‘Well, I guess both of you will have to get used to us being on bad terms.’

‘Gosh, what a stubborn dude you are…’

The silence that followed was uncomfortable, sticking to them like a slime. Just what did Till expect? That this girl would understand him? What a joke.

‘Listen,’ Mizi spoke up again, ‘I don’t know why you’re acting the way you do, I assume it has something to do with your own issues, and I’m not going to scold you for it or anything. In fact, it reminds me of how I used to run from myself in the past, too.’

‘Um… what?’

‘Let’s just say that… Um, our relationship is far from perfect, and one time I ended up hurting Sua a lot because I refused to be honest. Both with her and myself. And your stubbornness reminds me of that period a lot.’

‘What does it have to do with…’

‘Dude,’ she cut him off, making Till jump a bit with her cold tone, ‘stop pretending that you don’t like him.’

‘I’m not a fa… gay.’ He protested, feeling himself get angrier with every new word. ‘I love women, you know? Women. Opposite sex.’

‘And Ivan, apparently.’ Mizi whistled, smirking at him. ‘You know bisexuality exists, right?’

Till just scoffed at that. Of course, he did know that bisexual people existed, he didn’t leave under a rock, unlike some might suggest. Right now, there were many different labels to use, and although Till didn’t know all of them, the main ones he remembered.

It still had nothing to do with him, though.

‘I don’t like him.’ He said weakly, sighing as he sag in his chair, not knowing how to prove his point. ‘I can’t be gay.’

‘Firstly, you can be bi,’ Mizi cheerfully responded, noticing the shift in Till’s defenses, ‘and, secondly, admitting that you like him won’t make the world end.’

‘You don’t get it…’ He said, defeated. ‘It’s… ugh, never mind. I don’t want to talk about it.’

They sat at the café for a little bit longer, the mood shifting for the better, and Till felt himself relax again as they talked about fashion, Mizi’s vlogs and spoke about some funny rumors Till had read on the Internet recently.

Mizi’s company was nice. When she didn’t press him about Ivan and his supposed feelings for the guy, it was easy to talk to her, and Till could admit that it was actually nice to go out like this and just… talk.

When they part ways, his mind flooded with worries and unpleasant thoughts, but this time, Till refused to listen to it. He focused on the outside, not willing to think about his feelings now.

All of this would have to wait. Maybe, he’d be ready one day.

Not now, though.

Chapter Text

That morning was supposed to be peaceful.

It’d been the busiest week Ivan had in a long time, and today he was supposed to be sleeping until noon, recharging and lost to the world. But unfortunately, the world had some other plans;  someone had been relentlessly blowing his phone up, making his pillow vibrate and trying to pull him out of his blissful sleep.

Come to think of it, this was a bad habit. He had read somewhere on the Internet once that keeping your phone under the pillow could have a plethora of negative effects, and getting to your phone first thing in the morning certainly couldn’t be healthy.

But Ivan suppressed the urge to throw the gadget away and ignore the countless notifications, sitting up on his bed instead. He untangled his limbs from the fabric of the sheets and yawned tiredly. Ivan unlocked his phone and opened the Messages app, only to realize that it was Isaac who had sent him around thirty messages already.

That was weird, considering the guy was never huge on texting. They usually hopped on calls, if there was anything Ivan and his manager had to discuss at length, and their chat stayed dry most of the time. It’s not like they were incredibly close or anything either, their relationships mostly limited to business, so to see Isaac bombard him with messages like this was a bit weird.

Had something horrible happened? Did some brand call off their deal or were there any issues with his schedule…?

After he tapped on their chat and skimmed through his manager’s messages, Ivan’s eyes widened with shock.

[isaac] dude I’m not going to do anything about it before you answer

[isaac] so please be honest with me

[isaac] do you know why this Till guy talks about you like this?

[isaac] link

His phone kindly provided Ivan with a glimpse of what was behind the link, the preview giving him a telling title of the article that read ‘LOUIS VUITTON TILL CALLS ALEXANDER MCQUEEN IVAN TALENTLESS?’, urging to press for further explanation. Checking that the rest of Isaac’s messages was pleas to ‘answer sooner’ and ‘call me asap’, he returned back to the article and tapped on the link.

The website loaded, and there it was, a clip of Till badmouthing Ivan. Seeing it had some weird effect on Ivan, knocking out last bits of sleepiness out of him. It wouldn’t be the first time some younger colleague talked badly about him, but none of them ever dared to do that publicly. And, considering everything that Ivan himself already felt about Till…

This hurt.

He pressed on the video, listening to the other model call him ‘talentless’ and ‘average’, which was weird. Where did this even come from? They’d met once and Ivan knew he was polite, making sure Till didn’t think he thought of himself as some god just because he was successful. No, he was just a guy who followed directions really well, and that’s how he got himself a spot at the top. If Ivan ever let it get to his head, he’d end up flying down, knocked down from his top spot by someone who was easier to work with.

So why exactly was Till thinking so badly of him? Did he actually do something to earn that kind of opinion?

Ivan scrolled down, reading the article.

‘Is this the next big feud? LV’s Till calls McQueen’s Ivan ‘talentless’ on a live-show! What is up with the two most famous male models of our generation?’

Oh, if only Ivan knew what was up.

‘After both of the top models appeared at London Fashion Week in February, Till scored himself a crazy deal with Louis Vuitton, and Ivan continued to appear on magazine covers and starred in a famous singer Amy’s newest music video. The two seemed really busy with their work, but Till decided to shock the fans with a sudden confession about Ivan.’

What was up with the language of this article? Ivan quickly checked whose article was that, figuring that it was a nobody he had never heard of before. Sighing loudly, he continued reading.

‘Today, Till made a surprise appearance on famous streamer’s Acorn’s livestream, and the two talked about the top model’s career, new success and all the hardships that Till had to face on his journey. When Acorn brought up that the media nowadays likes to compare him with Ivan, Till made an off-hand comment about the other model, saying that ‘the guy was talentless’ and claimed that Ivan was just ‘average’. Judging by Acorn’s reaction, this was not scripted nor discussed prior, and he awkwardly tried to switch the topic, but the damage had been done.’

Below, there were various screenshots of both Till and Ivan’s fans sharing their opinion. Both of them agreed that it was unprofessional of the former, but Till’s fans urged to remember that the context was missing and that they must’ve already solved it privately, which made Ivan scoff. There was no apology, and he doubted he’d get one soon.

And to think that he was starting to… what, crush on this guy? If Sua heard him now, she’d tug him on his ear as she liked to do so often when he was acting unreasonable, scolding for getting himself into trouble.

But what was he supposed to do? Since Amy’s confession, Ivan couldn’t shake off that feeling. The moment Till’s image popped in Ivan’s head, there was no going back. It wasn’t like anything he had ever faced before, a deep desire to learn more about someone, to get closer and to figure them out. He didn’t want to go all-in on it, though, understanding the risks this potential crush could bring, that’s why he resorted to casually asking Sua little things, holding onto that thin string that connected them in the face of a mutual friend. Sure, Sua claimed that Till and her weren’t that close, but she knew more than enough and was willing to share with Ivan, probably thinking that he decided to learn more about his rival. Which was a convenient excuse, although Ivan didn’t see Till that way.

But did Till think of Ivan as his enemy? Was it his first attempt to lay down the marker, to show that he wasn’t willing to be friends with Ivan and wanted him gone?

Well, if Till wanted to play some sort of rivalry game with him, Ivan would let him. Maybe, it would also be good for his popularity, considering that his break did make him lose some of the fans. But if they saw how confidently Ivan handled that, all class and professionalism, that could get him some score points.

And it could also help him get to know more about Till. Even if the guy actually hated his guts for whatever reason, Ivan needed to learn more about him to figure his feelings out.

That’s why he got back to their chat with Isaac and said that he’d talk to Till in person first.

***

Well, to say that Ivan didn’t expect that when he decided to play along would be an understatement.

Till was… full of contradictions. First, he asked for forgiveness, which wasn’t that surprising, considering Hyuna must’ve nagged him to do so (he had heard a lot about her and knew that she must’ve given Till hell for this situation), but it was so disingenuous that Ivan couldn’t bring himself to accept that. And when he rejected the apology and the other man got mad, his point got proven immediately, so Ivan just played along. Scaring Till was fun, too. His act crumbled so quickly that it was fascinating in its’ own way, so Ivan just secretly enjoyed watching the other man struggle to figure out what to do.

But when Ivan’s interview where he talked about Till got published on the same day the latter’s big collection went on sale, things went absolutely crazy. Till must’ve been convinced that Ivan planned this, but he wasn’t even warned about it! The magazine just published it when they deemed fit, Ivan hadn’t had any say in that… But try proving it to that stubborn guy who made dozen of shady posts that were definitely about Ivan. Till wouldn’t even listen if he ever tried to explain, so… What was the point?

And then Sua started to pester him about this situation. She claimed that it had gotten too far and if Ivan still had some brains, he needed to talk to Till and cut this game short already.

‘Ivan,’ she said, her face pixilated on his phone screen, ‘I’m being serious right now.’

‘And what am I supposed to do? If Till doesn’t understand that this isn’t normal rivalry situation, what can I say to make him get it?’

‘Yeah, knowing Till… It won’t be easy. But I need to understand your stance in this, too. Ivan, are you…’

‘What?’ He asked, a bit exasperated as he looked out of his window. Usually, the view that his apartment granted him was enough to ease his nerves, but not anymore. ‘Do I see him as a rival?’

‘Do you like him?’

The awkward silence that had befallen them probably spoke for itself, but the moment Ivan’s brain booted up back to work, he realized that he actually needed to deny that.

‘Me?’ He retorted, clenching his phone probably way too hard. ‘Why would you assume that?’

‘Ivan, do you think I’m stupid?’ Sua sighed really loudly, her mic catching the sound. ‘You never asked me about anyone before, but you kept bringing up Till every time we hung out, asking things that are hardly related to work.’

‘Um, I just wanted to understand what kind of person he is…’

‘You’re a horrible liar, don’t try that ever again.’

Ivan sighed, but decided against arguing. Instead, he asked Sua what she believed would be the right thing to do, considering that she knew Till a bit, and she suggested giving hints. Which, in hindsight, didn’t seem like the best idea, because the guy they were talking about clearly had a completely different view of Ivan, one that couldn’t be farther from the truth, but in that moment, he agreed.

And when the opportunity presented itself and the hints only made things worse, he couldn’t hold himself from getting into Till’s personal space again. He regretted doing it in Paris, but somehow, he ended up caging the other guy against the counter at the party in Tokyo and…

He looks so pretty…

Ivan could only hope his face didn’t show how sad and excited he was to be near Till. He hoped that he could pretend that all of this wasn’t driving him crazy, that he could wait until the younger man sorted things out for himself and admitted that it was never about their work, or, at least, not only about it. That there was something else going on for Till, too.

Otherwise, why did Till look at him with such intensity? It was not jealousy or envy, Ivan had seen it so many times in so many different eyes – these emotions looked completely different. But in Till’s green emerald, there was something else, something entirely different, an emotion that Ivan didn’t know the name of. It was similar to fear, but not quite it, mixed with unknown feeling, the one Ivan couldn’t decipher.

‘So, you’re still in hard denial, huh.’ Ivan said and looked away. Clearly, they’re not getting anywhere today. ‘I thought you’d figure it out by now already, but now I know why it’s still like that…’

‘Stop talking in riddles!’ He felt Till hit him on the chest, trying to push him away. ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about and I don’t want to! I just want… Want it to stop…’

‘How can I stop it if it’s in your head, Till?’ Ivan looked back at him. ‘I can’t do anything about it unless you admit that you’re obsessed with me.’

Till’s face showed at least a dozen emotions in that brief moment when he analyzed what Ivan said, from hurt to confusion to anger, and Ivan wanted to take his words back, realizing that he overstepped, that he shouldn’t have said that…

‘Nonsense. Whatever you’re implying – I’m not that. I’m normal, unlike… you.’

Well, this was a lie, given that Ivan’s name seemed to never leave Till mind. And also, that thing that kept poking at Ivan’s thigh as they stood so close to each other…

‘Sure, you are.’ He nodded and leaned closer, whispering into Till’s ear. ‘And your boner is also not that.’

‘Get away from me!’ Till pushed him away, breath ragged and face burning up. ‘What the fuck is wrong with you?!’

And now, replaying all of it back in his head, Ivan felt like he fucked up to the point when there was no salvation of the situation.

Their talk in Tokyo had proven two of Ivan’s theories right.

Firstly, Till liked him. If there was any doubt about it before, now it was crystal clear that the other man just tried really hard to convince himself that he hated Ivan, but struggled to actually commit to it, because at the heart of it all lied some sort of attraction.

Secondly, Till was in denial of his own sexuality. Which wasn’t that weird, considering that Till was also Korean and was probably brought up in a similar manner as he was, but they’d both been in the fashion industry for years now. How could he be homophobic when practically everyone around him was either gay or at least bisexual?

Or was he the type of guy who was OK with that unless he was involved? Like, ‘sure, you do you, but don’t you dare fall in love with me, I’m straight’ type of guy? But this usually meant that there was a need for some innerwork and reflection… Which Ivan couldn’t force Till to do, obviously, even though they’d already been so entangled with each other.

Or maybe Till actually hated him and Ivan misread everything. Maybe, he already liked someone else and was genuinely grossed out by him? Also, that guy was crazy ambitious. There was a slim chance that he actually wanted him gone, that Till wanted to become the ‘one and only’, and Ivan was the last obstacle on his way to the top…

That’s when Ivan realized that he got too lost in his thoughts once again. He had actually turned the TV on to try and watch a film that he was procrastinating to check out for ages, only to end up missing half of it because Till occupied his thoughts again.

He turned the TV off and went to pick up a vinyl from his shelf. Before Ivan moved to New York, he’d never thought of himself to be big on 50s music, but one day he stumbled upon a really cute store that sold retro things and couldn’t leave without one of Frank Sinatra’s vinyls. He ended up getting a little collection for himself, getting a couple more of Sinatra’s albums and bought one with Paul Anka’s best hits. And now, whenever he got the chance, he used his vintage recorder to play them, enjoying how the sound filled his living room.

He put one of Sinatra’s records and got back to his sofa, listening to ‘My Way Of Life’ play. The lyrics made him think again. He’d never felt anything as remotely intense as what Till made him feel. It’s like… Nothing before mattered, really. And although they didn’t really know each other, given that they’d been stuck in this crazy game of theirs, Ivan felt as if Till’s presence was the very thing that was missing from the very beginning.

All of the sudden, work seemed more interesting. If he did well at a show, he could hope for a shady post from the other man, which would make Ivan smile stupidly for the rest of the night. If he knew they might run into each other, Ivan would always feel so excited, mentally preparing to memorize every little thing that he could pick up from their small interactions. For example, after they’d talked in Paris, he hid in the farthest corner of the room to watch Till stun for the show that day. His aura was crazy, and the outfit that he had to showcase was really good, putting emphasis on his slim figure and making him even more attractive. And although he almost got late to his own show, Ivan didn’t regret watching Till any single bit.

Now, he always had to look forward to something, and this change was… weird, but still welcome.

He didn’t want to let go of that. If there was a way to keep Till around, even if the younger man hated his guts, Ivan would try and make it work. He just needed… to be in Till’s orbit. Call it selfish, considering that Till must be uncomfortable with their interactions, but Ivan couldn’t stop himself and stay away, as if being pulled towards the younger man, unable to fight the urge to know what, when and how.

This unfamiliarity was calling to him, urging him to get lost in the unknown, as if on the other side of it lied an answer that he had spent his whole life searching for.

Was it so bad that Ivan couldn’t let go of it…?