Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Bakugou Katsuki Hates the rain. The rain makes him think. It makes his hallucinations worse. It makes him remember things he wishes he could forget. It all started when they were kids. Quirks. Such insignificant things to Katsuki now… But back then-

“Kacchan! What quirk do you want to have? I want to have a strong one! Like All Might! We can be heroes together!”

The green mop of sunshine says, a smile that could melt even the hardest of hearts. Katsuki smirked. 

¨I don’t care what I get, as long as we can be heroes together! That is all that matters.¨

Life had been so simple for them. Everything was perfect, they had one another- and that was all that mattered. 

Why did everything have to change …?

“Ït’s not gonna happen kid.”

Is what the doctor had told Izuku. 

Quirkless.

That was what defined Izuku. Quirkless- useless. from that day on- he was rejected. His father left without a spare glance, his mother couldn't even look him in the eye… 

And worst of all… His best friend turned his back on him. 

Bakugou’s experience had been completely different- opposite, actually. He got a powerful explosion quirk. ‘perfect for a hero!’ They had told him. While he was showered in praise- Izuku got left behind. Forced to become a mere shadow. 

And then middle school came.

—---------

6:25 A.M - April 22d. 

Izuku’s alarm jolts him awake, making him groan in protest,  before slamming the alarm clock off. Another day of.. life- if that was even what he could call this nightmare he was living in. He gets up, and stares at himself in the mirror. 

Useless.

Quirkless.

Stupid.

Izuku shakes his head, trying to pry those thoughts away. He puts on his middle school uniform, and tries not to jolt his mother awake… He begins his dreadful walk to school, gripping the battered strips of his yellow backpack tightly. He tries to plaster a smile on his own face- despite how hard it may seem. Izuku, surprisingly, manages to successfully avoid the usual group that waits for him everyday. He quietly slips into the empty classroom, his expression grimacing at his desk. Someone had obviously been there earlier, because it was covered in- a sickening array of taunts. Taunts that cut into hi soul. 

Quirkless loser

Useless

Just go do us all a favor and kill yourself already

Izuku stifles a sob. He couldn’t cry. Not now. He refused to do so. He silently goes to pick up a cloth from the cleaning closet, and silently scrubs the hateful words away. Class goes on  normally. Izuku tries to keep his mind busy with the lesson. Trying not to think too much about what awaited him…

That fateful bell. The ring a sickening mockery. Izuku doesn’t pack up. He knows there is no point in that, so he just waits. A broken soul awaiting inevitable pain. That was all Izuku knew, after all. From the moment he was deemed useless by society, he was left behind to rot. No longer a person. Izuku pondered- why couldn’t he just be normal? Maybe if he was, his father wouldn’t have left, his mother wouldn’t hate him- and his best friend would still be his best friend.  

But life wasn’t fair. And it never would be. At least not for Izuku. 

Izuku gets jolted out of his thoughts at someone smacking his head from behind, jotting him back to reality, where he sees him.

“Kacchan…”

Everything had changed so much. Bakugou had changed. Now followed by his other tormentors, who seemed to gloat in making him feel even more useless than what he already knew he was. 

“I already told you to stop calling me that, you useless deku .”

Of course. Deku. A nickname fitting for him. It symbolized everything he hated about himself. And the fact that it had been his best friend who named him that only made everything worse. 

“Oh-! Look at him! So weak- he looks like he's about to cry- what, can’t handle a little teasing, huh, Deku? And you expected to be a hero like that?”

One of Bakugou’s supposed friends said, a smirk on his cruel face, as he jabbed a finger at Izuku. The group laughed. 

Laughed. That was all Izuku was to them. A laughingstock. A mere tool for their entertainment. 

Izuku failed to notice the glare that Katsuki sent his ‘friend’. But even if he had noticed- would things be different…? 

Izuku was dragged outside the school. To an alley where the people that would pass would not care.  Izuku let them. He had stopped caring a long time ago. Stopped fighting it. He thought he deserved it. 

Even when the first punches came, Izuku didn’t fight it. He didn’t cry. He didn’t move. 

Izuku Midoriya felt nothing. 

But even in the darkest of times, he held onto hope. Hope, that someday he would be able to be like his idol. A hero. Prove to this wicked society that even he, if he put enough effort in, could be a hero. 

They left him. Battered- dirty, bruised.

Izuku was used to this. He was used to being no more than a means to an end. A loser. A punching bag.

How could he save other people, when he couldn’t even save himself?

Izuku shook his head, trying to pry those thoughts away. He was weak now, sure, but if he worked hard enough- he was sure that someday somehow- ah…

He realized- it was getting late. He stands up, ignoring the pain in his- everywhere, actually. Nobody had ever gone easy on him, after all. 

Izuku limped home, when he realized- his things. He had left them in the rooftop earlier that day. Great. Why couldn’t life be merciful to him for once?

He walks up the stairs, there it was. His backpack. When he picked it up, however, he realized that it was full of- what he would love to assume was water. He sighed. 

Izuku froze as he heard some shuffling. Warily, he goes to check it out… There- standing, panting, was a blond, skinny looking man… Izuku yelps in a mix of surprise and fear, making the figure turn around to face him. 

“A-ah-! Who- who are you-??? What are you doing here?? T-this is a school- and how did you get here-? I mean- sure our security isn’t that good but still-”

Izuku was cut off his muttering when the man held up a finger, signaling him to be silent with an annoyed expression. The man sighed, in a mix of exasperation- exhaustion- and annoyance. 

“Look kid, in all honesty, I am not in the mood for this. So do us both a favor and leave.”

The man said, but Izuku was relentless, if he wanted to be a hero someday- how could he possibly let his school be in the danger of being possibly attacked by this- man…

Who didn’t look exactly strong nor prepared- but still… A stranger was in his school’s rooftop. And that was weird. 

“No-! Who are you- and what are you doing here-?? I will call the police- or- or- a hero! And that will stop- whatever it is that you’re doing here..” 

The man sighed, and seemed to glare at Izuku for a split second before masking it. He forced a smile- as he suddenly- ALL MIGHT?! 

“Wh- ALL MIGHT-?! but- I was just talking to- ah! there’s a strange man-! you have to captu-”

“Kid. Just stop.”

All Might said. He then proceeded to explain that he had gotten an injury from a fight with the notorious villain, All For One. Which had left him weak, and only allowed him to use his quirk for a limited amount of time. His true form was- that. 

Izuku swore to his idol not to tell a soul, which seemed to make him relieved. Just as he was about to leave, however, Izuku stopped him.

“Wait- All Might- I… Have always been your biggest fan. I have- I mean- you have been my role model since I have memory- I strive to be like you someday- but… I am quirkless.”

All Might’s facade seemed to drop for a split second at his words-

“And well- everyone has always told me that my dream of being a hero isn’t possible without a quirk- but- I know I can do it- right-? Right…?”

This was Izuku’s last hope. 

And it laughed right in his face. 

“Excuse me? Sorry kid- is this a joke to you?”

Izuku froze.

“You cannot just gamble with your life and call it being a hero. No. I do not think you could nor should be a hero. You would only get yourself and others hurt. You’ve got to be realistic with your dreams, kid. You would get eaten alive out there. Try… being something more realistic. Will you? Do us all a favor and drop the elementary school dreams.”

Izuku felt something break inside him. That last string of hope that he held onto for dear life-... broke. It snapped. It didn’t…

Izuku couldn’t move. How could he? His idol- the world… Had shattered his dreams and then- left. Just like that. No regrets- not even a second glance to spare for him. 

Izuku felt nothing.

He felt a sickening mix of emptiness brewing in his chest. Everything crashing down on him at that very moment. And- it was too loud. A kind of loud that cannot be silenced. All Might had left. His father had left. His mother hated him. His best friend left him to rot. 

“Shut up.”

Izuku said, even if he was only talking to himself by now. Nobody near to see- nobody near to care . 

I am Izuku’s broken hope.

He scratched at the bandages in his arms. Too tired to even reach for an actual blade. Just- scratch over old wounds. 

He wanted to feel something- anything. 

But he didn’t.

All he felt was despair. 

All he felt was-

Izuku froze as his eyes landed on the land below him. Far… Dark… He then glanced at the sky. Comforting- illuminated by the faint glow of the moon and stars. He pondered what it would feel like- to be free. 

He took off his shoes, and sat down, his legs dangling off the edge. Nothing mattered anymore. He was here. And he was cold- alone- crushed. 

—---------

8:37 P.M 

Bakugou sighed in annoyance. He had forgotten his bag at the front of school, from when he and those extras had-... Bakugou didn’t like to think about it. They had gone too far he knew that. He knew that what they were doing was not okay. His heart ached for reasons he chose to ignore. Every time it appeared- he dismissed it as hate. That is what it had to be. 

That’s why he did it. That’s why he-

Bakugou walked through the night. It was raining. He forgot his umbrella. Bakugou cursed under his breath, before sprinting to school. 

And that’s when he saw it. A figure of something- no… some one sitting atop the rooftop. Too close to the edge. It was only when Bakugou observed closer when he saw it. Those green curls.

Bakugou Katsuki didn’t feel fear. He never had. Yet in that moment, his world froze. Him. The only person that saw him as Kacchan- as Katsuki- as something more than his quirk. 

“Izuku”

He muttered under his breath, rushing closer- using his explosions to propel him faster. 

But even faster was too late. 

When he reached a point close enough to be heard- he was falling. 

“IZUKU-!”

Was the last thing Izuku heard- was the last thing that left Katsuki’s mouth before Izuku plummeted to the ground. 

Bakugou Katsuki Hates the rain. 

It washed away his blood. All he could do was watch and scream in horror. So many things he could’ve- should’ve said. 

Now rendered useless as he stared at the bloody, lifeless body in front of him. 

And it was all his fault.

Chapter Text

Are you man enough to take the blame for this?

———————

…

Bakugou wasn’t stupid. And he surely wasn’t naive. He knew what he did. He knew it was partly- if not mostly his fault. 

He stood at the empty grave. Nobody went. Inko hadn’t shown up. Nobody had. Katsuki stood at the grave. Empty. Not a single flower. Izuku died alone. Alone like his grave. Bakugou lay the first flower on it. A white rose. Those had been Izuku’s favorite. Katsuki could feel water slipping down his cheeks. It wasn’t raining. Bakugou Katsuki never cries. And yet here he was. Mourning. Crying- wailing. 

A sob escaped him before he even realized it did. 

He knew what he did. He knew he would never be able to undo what he had done. It was twisted, mocking-...

That was when he first saw him. Sat atop his own grave. Bloody like the day he found him, except for the injuries and twisted limbs, which were now normal.

“Don’t cry, Kacchan…”

Izuku said- as Bakugou froze. Reluctantly facing up to see him. 

“Deku”

Izuku simply smiled, looking at him. Bakugou tried to hug him, only for his arms to pass right through him and for him to disappear in thin air. 

Bakugou stumbled back, tripping over nothing and falling right down on his ass. He was terrified. Panting- how could it- he was dead, gone. How was it even possible to see what he had-? Bakugou felt like he was going crazy. So he did the only thing he knew how to do. 

He ran. 

He ran until his lungs burned and his legs ached, until he couldn’t run anymore.

“Why are you running, Kacchan? You know I don’t blame you, right? Well… I do. But only a little!”

He was there again, standing in front of him, Bakugou immediately recoiled, panic etched over his expression. What the fuck was going on? He wasn’t real- and yet there he was, standing in front of him- looking almost normal if it weren't for the blood stains that covered his uniform. He flicked an arm at the hallucination once again, as he watched it dissipate. 

“Fuck… I need help”

Bakugou said to himself, staring at the now empty space in a mix of fear and panic. He rushed to his house, almost tripping a couple of times from sheer anxiousness. He was going crazy. He was sure of it. His hands trembled violently as he attempted to get his keys out of his bag. When he finally did so and managed to open the door, he immediately went to the bathroom. He splashed cold water over his face, looking at himself in the mirror in a panic. 

There he was again. 

“Kacchan, don’t be sca-”

Bakugou yelped again, a terrified, broken mix of a sob and a scream as he turned around, punching thin air. 

“LEAVE ME ALONE-! GO AWAY! STUPID- HALLUCINATION! YOU ARE NOT HIM-!!!”

Bakugou created an explosion which he, again, blew at thin air. 

His parents must’ve heard the commotion- because as Bakugou was busy screaming and fighting air, the door to his bathroom opened, Bakugou, still in a panic, yelped again, but paused at the sight of a concerned looking Mitsuki and Masaru. 

“Katsuki dear- we heard screaming- is everything- okay..?”

His father said, his mother, beside him, looking equally concerned. Bakugou’s mind was in a complete daze. Was he okay? He was seeing his dead best friend. It was not normal. 

“I- fuck… I can see him. Following me-”

His parents looked at one another in confusion. 

“Seeing who-? Have you been sleeping enough…?”

“Yes- I’m telling you- this isn’t a matter of fucking sleep ! This is about the fact that I can see Dek- Izuku-!”

Bakugou exclaimed, exasperated at the lack of empathy or understanding. 

“Bakugou- honey… He died very recently… Maybe what you are seeing is just- grief… I am sure it’ll go away as soon as you get some rest-...”

His mother said, stepping closer to him. Bakugou looked at her for a split second. It wasn’t that. He was sure of it. But he found no use in trying to tell his parents otherwise, as he was sure that they would dismiss it as lack of sleep again. 

So he just nodded. He nodded and sighed. Maybe they were right. Maybe he wasn’t crazy, and it was just a combination of grief and tiredness. At least he wanted to, for now, think and hope that was the case. 

Because the other alternative was outright terrifying. And he preferred not to even think about it. 

His parents nodded back, looking at him for a moment more, before disappearing back outside of his room. Bakugou plummeted to his bed. Not caring enough to change his clothes. How could he? He tried to let exhaustion take over him… 

As slowly, his breathing evened out, and he fell into a deep slumber.

—--------

“It’s your fault.”

Bakugou stared at the bloody mess in front of him. He could feel the raindrops falling on his hair, dripping down his neck and face. He couldn’t move. 

“I didn’t mean to- I was just scared…”

“Scared? Of what? Your own feelings ? You let me die. Because you thought it was more important to save your own ego, than to do what’s right.”

“I-”

Bakugou was cut off, as Izuku’s bloodied form stood up from the ground, a grotesque show, as he stared at Bakugou. 

“You are to blame.”

“Can you at the very least man up and take the blame for once in your life?”

Izuku said, as he stood in front of Bakugou. Pushing him to the ground, which swallowed him up, darkness and a sickening feeling of suffocation washing over him. 

Bakugou startled awake with a gasp. Covered in cold sweat. He panted. 

He was terrified, because he knew that he was going crazy. 

“You know I don’t actually think that, right Kacchan?”

Bakugou got startled at the sudden voice- his voice. 

“Did you do that just now-? Are you doing this as some type of revenge? Deku I- I’m sorry. I wish I would’ve acted differently back then. I really do. I regret never-...”

“Kacchan… Just like I told you before… I don’t blame you. For anything. That nightmare wasn’t me, silly! It's your cute head messing with you.”

Izuku said, a smile on his face. Bakugou stared at him. 

“How are you here.”

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“I mean just that- here- how are you here if you’re dead?!- if- if you left me…”

Izuku’s gaze never left Bakugou. 

“What are you talking about? I never went anywhere-!”

“Will you stop messing with my head-?!”

Bakugou rushed out of his room once more. He was crazy. He was sure of it. He had seen Izuku jump. Had seen the corpse for God’s sake! Whatever cruel mind trick his d¿head was trying to do- it wasn’t working.

“I’m in no mood.”

Bakugou said to thin air. 

—-------

Izuku’s hallucination never left. It followed Bakugou everywhere, talking to him like nothing had happened, like everything was fine - and nothing was fine-!”

Bakugou was aware of this, yet… Sometimes he let himself hall into the illusion that everything was fine, and that nothing had really happened. 

However, there was one big problem.

—---------

“I know… I can’t wait for dinner either. You know, it’s my turn to cook tonight, I can make Katsudon, your favorite!”

Katsuki said casually to Izuku, who walked beside him. The more he accepted the hallucinations, the less bloody Izuku appeared. 

“Oh my god! Kacchan!!! You would do that for mee?”

“You know I would do anything for you, Deku.”

Katsuki replied mindlessly. Sometimes he forgot what was real and what was fake. But it was comforting, in a way.. He liked the fake reality his mind created for himself.

Katsuki chuckled softly as he heard Izuku mutter on, opening the door to his house, freezing as he saw both his parents waiting for him. They were sat at the couch, his mother was crying. And there were two men in lab coats besides them.

“What- is going on?”

Bakugou reluctantly asked, stepping forward. 

“Katsuki- we’re worried about you… We- we really are. You- we keep seeing you talk to thin air-... Your teachers have reported seeing you- isolate yourself from everyone and just talk to yourself all the time…”

“I’m not talking to myself. I don’t- what are they even doing here-?! I- told you already I’m talking to Izuku. Why won’t you just listen to me?”

Bakugou said, exasperated, as he pointed at the doctors, and then gestured to Izuku next to him. 

“Katsuki-... Izuku is dead. And- this is not healthy. Whatever this- sort of coping mechanism is- it’s not okay… And we can’t keep pretending it is.”

The doctors stood up, slowly going to Bakugou

“They- they will help you. Heal you…”

“Heal me-?! There is nothing to be healed from- let go of me-! Fuck!”

Bakugou exclaimed, as he tried to generate explosions to the doctors. Trying to flick them away. Get them away. Bakugou was panicking, dread slowly settling in as his hallucination of Izuku started getting bloody again. 

He’s dead. He’s dead and it's your fault. You’re crazy. Can’t even take the blame for what you did. Pathetic. Hiding behind illusions? Really?

Izuku wasn’t saying this. He could see himself. Himself from that day. In his middle school uniform.

“Shut up.”

You really thought things were normal? That He isn’t dead and that this isn’t all your fault?!

“I SAID SHUT UP!”

Bakugou screamed, thrashing against the relentless grip of the doctors, who were trying to hold him back. Explosions broke out from his hands, tears flowed down his face. He was getting aggressive. The doctors struggling to contain him, Bakugou’s vision was moving. For a moment he was in that night again- He could see himself, as the scene flickered from that to the real world.

“ Stop this- dammnit-! MAKE IT STOP-!”

The last thing he saw was a flickering frame that shifted between a doctor placing a hand on his forehead, and the illusion of himself pushing him into the darkness. 

Chapter Text

When Katsuki woke up, he was cold. He was cold, and there was a bright, fluorescent light shining ruthlessly on his face. 

He groaned, sitting up from a plain white bed, his clothes? Gone. He now wore cotton scrubs. White too.

“The fuck..?”

He looked around the plain room. a white bed, a desk with those things adults put in the corners of tables so their kids don’t hit themselves. It was empty. There was a window, completely shut, with bars to prevent him from breaking it. And the overall vibe of it was- impersonal. Horrible. 

Bakugou stood up, and looked around. Realization slowly settling in as he went to go bang on the door

“LET ME OUT-! THE FUCK? I DIDN’T CONSENT- I AM NOT CRAZY!!”

He screamed, as he banged on the door. He froze. The events flooding back. He gripped at his head.

“Kacchann… they want to leave you here to rot.. they didn’t want to take the time nor effort to understand you- so they sent you here, a place where you will loose your life and- purpose”

Izuku said, the voice from behind Bakugou. He snapped around immediately to face an empathetic looking Izuku, who stepped closer to him.

“You just wanted to have a normal life- and they want to take that away from you. You know,..”

Izuku’s pondered on, looking at Bakugou, who still looked outright terrified

Izuku sighed

“ Are you scared of me?”

Izuku asked. Katsuki stayed silent for a split second. Was he scared? Yes. There was no doubt in that. He was terrified. Every second that had passed since his death, nothing felt normal. But–… Was he scared of Izuku? His childhood best friend- the one person who had always seen him as more than means to an end. 

“No-.. I just- don’t know if I can accept this.”

“Accept what?”

“ You. Please- I know that you are supposed to be dead. So at least help me out a little and tell me what you are.”

Izuku stayed silent at that. Looked at him for a good second, before sighing.

“you’re right. I am dead. I’m here but i’m not- here here .”

Izuku said, before going on

“But does it really matter? I can make you happy, I can make all the pain go away.. I can help you. Or do you want to be consumed by guilt your entire life?”

Bakugou paused. Did he? Could he handle the guilt? he knew he couldn’t. Hence why his mind had created this- copy of him. To guide him- comfort him- tell him everything was alright.

“it’s okay.. you’ll get used to my presence overtime. I know that now you must find this offending- or scary. But this isn’t my intention- not at all! I want to help you.”

Izuku said, smiling at a shocked Bakugou, before stepping even closer to him, and gently placing his hands on his cheeks. 

Bakugou almost convinced himself he felt it. Almost . 

I don’t know if I want to be a hero anymore.”

Bakugou choked out. 

“They failed you. They–… I mean who could have nobody seen a teenager at a well known highschool standing atop the rooftop-?!”

Bakugou’s voice cracked. He had lost faith in hero’s the day Izuku died. Izuku just smiled softly. 

“Then don’t be.”

Katsuki looked at him once again. Not- be a hero-? He had spent his entire life dreaming about this. All his life, that had been his purpose, his goal. But now-? It all made little sense. It didn’t matter..

“Well… now- trapped in this godforsaken place, it’s not like it seems I have much of a choice on what I want to do.”

Bakugou said, gesturing to the small, impersonal room. 

Izuku pulled away from Bakugou, and looked around as well.

“huh.. you’re right. This place.”

Izuku practically spat out the last word. Sometimes he said what Katsuki was thinking. Which reminded him that it wasn’t totally him..

“Right- not much we can do..”

“ Unless…”

Bakugou turned his head at that. He knew what he was about to say before he even said it. 

“Where would we even go?”

“Anywhere but here.”

Bakugou thought. Before nodding. One thing was for sure- he could not stay here. If he stayed here- they would either keep him there forever. Or they would take Izuku away from him again. 

And neither of those possibilities were something that Bakugou could afford.

—————-

He waited until it was nighttime. Easily played the scared patient. Helpless. Bakugou discovered something. He was awfully good at pretending. Izuku also helped him. Telling him what to say, and how to say it. And it worked. The nurses ate his lies. And it felt- almost nice. Like a rebellious act of revenge. To lie and cheat against the society who had done that to him. 

When it was night, Bakugou was playing the role of a scared, helpless victim almost flawlessly. Before? He would never be caught dead doing anything like right now. But now, all that mattered to him was escape, survival. 

His gaze went to the door as the handle was getting fidgeted with, a nurse opening it. 

Izuku whispered in Bakugou’s ear. 

“Now or never, Kacchan..”

Bakugou’s brows furrowed in determination. As soon as the door opened, he dropped the act. Perfect. A male nurse. They always sent same gendered nurses to treat the patients, for- security reasons or some shit. Bakugou knew they were all full of shit. If they cared, Bakugou wouldn’t feel ten times more crazy here than he did anywhere else. 

As soon as the nurse shut the door behind him, and approached, Bakugou jumped, pinned him to the ground, keeping his arms far apart so he would be unable to alert anyone; He then clamped a hand over his mouth.

“If you make a sound you’re dead.”

The nurse nodded, as bakugou hit his head to knock him out anyway.

“Kacchan, don’t just take the key, it’ll look suspicious- swap clothes”

Izuku said, always the observant one. Katsuki nodded.

“Quick, these people do a lot of guard rounds”

Bakugou swapped clothes quickly, draping the lab coat over his shoulders and clicking the name tag in place. 

Without sparing a second, Bakugou rushed out with an air of confidence he did not feel. Izuku looked out for him, as he managed to get near enough the exit. Before jolting out. Sprinting through the streets.

Bakugou ran until he couldn’t. Until he reached the woods. He found an old oak tree by a pristine lake, and finally relaxed.

“We lost them… finally. That place was a fucking nightmare ”

Izuku nodded from beside him. Smiling softly at him. Katsuki could feel his cheeks grow slightly red at that. He looked away. He never blushed.

Yet here he was. 

Katsuki was almost getting used to all these new feelings.

Almost. 

“So, what’s the plan now, Kacchan?”

Izuku asked, but Bakugou’s mind was elsewhere.

He didn’t respond, was too deep in his thoughts.

“Kacchan?”

Bakugou snapped out of his thoughts, and turned to look at Izuku. 

“Huh?”

“Oh- lost you for a moment there. What’s wrong?”

Bakugou sat there, thinking. He sighed, avoiding eye contact with Izuku. It had- been so long. And he was somehow, technically here , but Bakugou knew it was not the same. It would never be. Even if he tried as had as he could do convince himself that it was fine, and that he was here, that he never left. It was useless, to a point. Whenever he couldn’t hear or see Izuku, he felt like somehow, his mind had ripped away the only thing he had left of Izuku.

There was very little left of him, and it was never coming back…

“Why.”

Izuku looked at Bakugou, knowing the words before he even said them.

“Why did you do it?”

Izuku looked away. Seemingly thinking for a moment. He looked at Bakugou again. Despite the fact that this wasn’t, in any way, Izuku, this was just his mind messing with him, Bakugou never quite realized that. In his mind, he was directly speaking to Izuku’s ghost, which, he was not. This hallucination had no actual idea of anything. It didn’t feel, it hadn’t been Izuku.

It wasn’t Izuku. 

But, It was there to calm Bakugou, and both help and destroy his sanity. 

“I don’t know… You caused a little of it, sure- but it wasn’t exclusively you. Nor your friend group. There was more going on. There always was. My parents, they neglected me. They couldn’t care less about me. And then- the heroes. They not only never cared, but they made it look like being quirkless was my fault. That I would die miserable and useless. All Might told me that.”

Bakugou froze at that last sentence. All of the rest? He knew that- He was all too aware of those aspects of quirkless life. He was aware of it, which had also caused a lot of the pain, because he knew that he should’ve done something. Anything. 

And yet he didn’t. But what striked him the most- All Might had- what?

“Wait- what?”

“Yeah… Moments before my suicide, actually. I saw him, and so I went and- asked him if he thought my dreams were achievable- and-... He told me no. He insulted me- and- crushed my dreams. After that- I lost my purpose. All that kept me going was the idea that somehow, someday, I would be able to grow, and- and- prove to everyone that I could do things that- that I was worth something. And so- when he came, and told me that I was naive and stupid for wanting to chase my dreams- I..-”

“I couldn’t go on anymore.”

Izuku’s voice cracked. Tears at the corners of his eyes. Bakugou sat there in pure shock. He had never imagined that his- no- their idol would switch up on them like that. 

And slowly. 

Bakugou felt something new. 

Strong. 

Redirected.

Violent.

He was rageful. 

He wanted revenge. 

And he wanted to make sure that the entire world felt his rage.

Chapter Text

The next time that Bakugou woke up, he was still in that forest. The first rays of sunshine blinded him slightly as he groaned. He slowly sat up, looking around him. Right. Yesterday’s events crashed through him…

Right.

“Izuku?”

Bakugou spoke, looking around, before he heard the familiar voice from behind him.

“Morning Kacchan”

He said in an almost sing-song tone, a smile on his face. Bakugou hummed in response. He still was in shock from the knowledge. It was… Something that he would’ve never considered to be true. Ever. This was- betrayal. A new level of it, too. His life had been a lie. And now he could barely tell what was real and what wasn’t

“Right- so what’s the plan for today?”

Izuku asked, jolting Bakugou out of his thoughts. Izuku smiled at him sitting in front of him, resting a hand to his forehead. Bakugou could have sworn that he felt it. Genuinely felt it.

Yet then again, he barely knew what was true anymore.

Bakugou hummed, instinctively calming down at the touch, he didn’t pay it much interest. Why would he? He had discovered that his touch calmed him a while ago; his touch was normal.

“I’m not sure. But I sure as hell know that we can’t stay here. At least not for long. Chance is they are looking for us.”

Bakugou said, sighing, leaning back against a tree.

“It’s funny. They didn’t seem to care before. All of them were useless when we actually needed them… Isn’t that right, Kacchan?”

Izuku’s voice rang out from behind Bakugou, despite the fact that Izuku stood in front of him. It was sickeningly sweet, sweet. Bakugou clenched his fists. Izuku smiled innocently, like Bakugou had seen countless times throughout his life.

“But we won’t let them do so anymore… Will we, Kacchan? We will stop letting them pretend they care.. All of them lied to you- to us. And what’s the point on being forgiving, when we were punished for merely existing?”

Bakugou couldn’t help but shiver at the sickeningly sweet tone. As he registered the words, registering deep in his brain and heart. Well… Everything Izuku said had that effect on him.

“We will show them.”

Bakugou said after a beat of silence. His fists clenched tightly, sweat pooling at his palms. His expression of momentary sorrow twisting into rage once more.

“We will show them all.”

Izuku said for him. Bakugou looked up at Izuku and nodded. He was full of determination. The type of determination that only a man with nothing left to lose had.

—--

And so, they began to navigate through the forest, where the more Izuku talked to him, the more his voice grew. The more influence he had on him. And Bakugou had no idea. He let him. He let him because he would never let go of him. Not again.

Never Again.

They wandered for hours, hours that for Bakugou, felt like minutes. Seconds, even. Until suddenly, Bakugou’s head snapped to the side as soon as he heard shuffling from a part of the forest.

“Did you hear that?”

Bakugou said warily, not even having to glance back at Izuku to know that he was nodding along.

Bakugou, carefully, approached the bush, preparing a sweaty palm just in case…

After all, not like he could trust anything or anyone. Well… at least not in this world.

He managed to walk over, pushing the bush aside. Where he found..

There was a fight going on. Now- Bakugou wasn’t the type of person to care about others. At least not these days. Maybe it was because being unkind had killed his best friend. Or the fact that said friend was looking at him right now- or maybe it was out of sheer curiosity. Bakugou approached the fighting sounds, Pausing.

It seemed like- no- it was a fight between a villain and a hero. Bakugou recognized neither of them, but Izuku did.

“Ah… That hero. He’s a piece of shit”

Izuku said, which made Bakugou glance at him. Huh. Izuku never cursed. At least- he hadn’t around Bakugou. However, Bakugou didn’t have the chance to pay it much mind, as he saw the hero managing to pin the villain down. Hard. His hands wrapped around his- neck…

Bakugou glared at the scene, clenching his fists. A flash passing by his face, as he imagined the hero doing that to Izuku. His hatred grew, as he snarled

“DIE-!”

He screamed, as he jumped at him, directing an explosion right at the hero’s face.

Now. Bakugou had been saving sweat for- a while now. Which meant that the moment he finally made the explosion, it was big.

And Bakugou wasn’t in- full… control right now.

“Yes- Kacchan… You’re helping him… avenging me… It’s okay.. it’s worth it..”

Izuku whispered in his ear, as Bakugou created more explosions right at his face. And more- and more.

Bakugou didn’t fully feel in control.

And when he returned to his senses- the hero wasn’t moving.

“Shit”

Bakugou muttered between pants, his eyes widening as he stepped back from the now dead body. Shit. Shit-

Bakugou had never- killed anyone before- this- wasn’t what he wanted- He looked down at his own hands, his breath amplified to little pants in shock and terror. His chest hurt- and the world spun.

“Kacchan, Kacchan… it’s okay… you saved another man- and many more. it’s okay. You- did the right thing”

Izuku said soothingly, even as Bakugou fell. And everything went dark.

————

The next time Bakugou woke up, everything felt like a dream. His head hurt, as he sat up, groaning.

“The- hell..?”

Bakugou muttered, looking around. He didn’t recognize the place. Not at all. He lay in a bed, plain black, as he looked around the room, the whole vibe of it was- dark… Izuku appeared next to him on the bed.

“Where are we?”

Izuku looked around, before shrugging, looking at Bakugou as the events of before he passed out crashed upon him.

“I-… Killed someone”

He said, horror draped all across his face. Before Izuku shushed him gently

“It’s okay. You did what you had to do.”

Izuku said soothingly. And for some reason, Bakugou felt as if a weight was lifted off his shoulders. He had realized some time ago, that whatever Izuku said, it went that way. Not that he complained, since usually he made things better. Lifted blame off his shoulders. Izuku made him feel like nothing was wrong. Like he was a good person. And if he closed his eyes for a moment, he let himself drown in that little world. He let himself stay there and never leave-

“You’re awake”

A new voice spoke, and Bakugou’s head snapped to the new voice, waryness clouded Bakugou, making him step back.

“Who are you?”

Bakugou said, before pausing, looking at the man. Recognizing him. That villain, that he unknowingly helped. Now that the villain wasn’t- well… Fighting, Bakugou could really look at him. He looked older than Bakugou, maybe by 5 or 6 years. His hair was a dark black, and he had purple scars all over his body.

“You look like ass.”

Bakugou said, before he could even register himself. The man, surprisingly, chuckled.

“Kacchan! That’s not nice- you can’t just go saying that!”

Izuku said, looking at Bakugou, who rolled his eyes.

“yeah yeah. Well aware, Izuku. Sorry.”

Bakugou replied mindlessly. Making the villain pause.

“Excuse me?”

He said, looking confused at the spot where Bakugou was looking.

Bakugou looked at the villain, rolling his eyes, he opened his mouth to speak, before remembering how- his own father and mother had reacted when he told them. Kicked him out- sent him out into a cold, uncaring, sterile asylum.

“None of your business- fried chicken”

Bakugou snapped at him, making the older villain step closer.

“Where are your parents-? You look like you’re in middle school.”

The man said, looking at him in an almost- concerned way. Almost.

“They left me. Threw me in- a mental facility. They’re dead to me.”

The man’s eyes softened in compassion. He stepped even closer, in front of Bakugou.

“Kid. It’s okay.”

The man said, as Bakugou glanced at Izuku. His eyes in question. Izuku then looked at the man, and gave a small nod. Okay.

“I see my dead best friend”

He said, making the man’s eyes widen slightly.

“It happened after he-… died. And- I was so lost- but then… I saw him. And… it’s nice, it’s like nothing ever happened between us. But- when I told them, they called me crazy and abandoned me..”

Bakugou choked out, his voice cracking mid-sentence.

“Kid. It’s okay. I understand you. Me and my old man- we also didn’t exactly get along… But it gets better. I promise. It gets better. My name is Dabi- but you can call me Touya.”

The man said, looking at Bakugou in a way that nobody else had.

“you’re- a villain right…?”

Bakugou asked, to which Dabi nodded. With a soft sigh.

“I have my reasons. You’re in our base. I am part of a league. But- you don’t have to be one of-“

“I want to be. The- heroes. They killed my best friend. They- they- took away his hope- And made me believe it was all my fault.”

Bakugou said, to which Izuku replied.

“It’s okay, Kacchan, I’m here with you. I’ll always be”

Bakugou looked up at the man, His teary eyes hardening into rage, as he clenched his fists.

“I want to destroy them all.”

Chapter Text

Katsuki was in a dark place. He was alone. Nobody understood him. From the moment Izuku died, he was gone. Mentally. He was gone and he would never return. He stood there again. The place Izuku died. Then, the place where his parents sent him away without sparing a single glance. We love you they told him. His mother cried. She cried and looked at him. She looked at him with those eyes. Those eyes that said, I’m crying because of you. Guilt.

Feel Guilty.

His mother said, her tears flowing down mockingly as his father just- sat there. Looking away.

“Where has our little boy gone? I can’t- even recognize you anymore”

She said. Katsuki felt anger. Anger because they didn’t care to listen. They didn’t care to-... The only moment where they seemed to care was when the consequences of it showed. If only they knew.

And there it was again.

The Guilt.

It threatened to consume him whole. To- swallow him until-...

Katsuki saw a vine of darkness wrap around his leg. He tried to scream, but no sound came out. Instead, he felt as if he was being choked. The vines of darkness swallowed him until he could only feel the suffocating drowning.

—--
Katsuki snapped awake in a cold sweat. Nightmares had become a companion for him. Always there. Taunting. They made him feel again. And he hated that feeling. He wanted to become numb. To numb eve-...

…

Izuku wasn’t here. The ghost was probably off- doing god knows what.

Katsuki, could feel guilt again. And he had to escape it. It clouded his mind in a way he couldn’t even register. He had to get rid of it.

Sometimes, when the guilt was too big, Katsuki couldn’t- see Izuku. And he had to- see him again. Because if he couldn’t- then what even was Katsuki? Just a confused teenager who killed his best friend. Someone who wasn’t good. Had made everyone around him leave. With tears in his eyes, he begged him to stay. He begged. Not sure who he was asking to stay. Either that small part in him that was still good, or the one person who could see that good in him. Even though that person was gone.

Gone.

Katsuki didn’t realize he was holding it until he was. That small box. It had been a gift from Izuku. When they were still kids. Young and innocent. He opened it, the familiar contents inside appearing. Katsuki ran his fingers over the familiar cold, sharp blade concealed. It distracted him from the blame. And made Izuku come back. So he didn’t hesitate. The time for hesitation was a long time ago. And even then, he hadn’t hesitated.

He could feel the itch in his arm. That itch of anticipation. He let out a soft, shaky sigh.

Everything was too loud.

His mind- He couldn’t-

One.

Katsuki immediately felt the pain, making the voices halt. Everything in his mind paused. As he slid it again.

Two.

He wanted for it to go away.

Three.

He wished he could go back.

Four.

Back to when he was innocent.

Five.

To when nothing really mattered.

Six.

When he was loved. He wasn’t feared. There was meaning to words. When he couldn’t feel an overwhelming sense of guilt. When Izuku was actually there. And not just a fleeting illusion-

Seven.

Everyone probably wished that he was cursed forever.

Eight.

And he probably was.

Nine.

Because if he wasn’t, Izuku would be alive. Katsuki’s parents would understand and love him. Actually understand him. Not just the fake listening that they gave him whenever he broke.

Ten.

And- Katsuki wasn’t man enough. He couldn’t face the blame.

Eleven.

He- he-...

Twelve.

He wishes he couldn't feel.

Thirteen.

That he could be a kid again.

Fourteen.

Or maybe that he had had a chance to have a normal childhood-

Fifteen.

An actual childhood.

“Kacchan-??”

Ah. There it was. That voice. sweet and concerned. Katsuki felt numb to his emotions, all that he could see was Izuku’s concerned face, and all he could feel was the aching pain in his now bloody arm.

“Izuku”

He acknowledged. Looking away.

“Dear- let’s go bandage you up… Okay?”

Katsuki didn’t say a word, but followed as he disinfected and rewrapped his arm.

“I missed you”

“I was barely even gone”

Katsuki didn’t reply to that. It had felt like longer. Because if Izuku wasn’t there, it meant that the guilt was there in his place.

“I know- just-..”

“shh.. I’m here. I’m here.”

Izuku had seen him in this state multiple times. But he had never- told him to stop. He just comforted him. And it was nice. He wasn’t judged for once. Wasn’t told to stop.

It felt nice.

And it brought him back.

And that was all that mattered.

That he wasn’t being criticized.

That he was being understood.

To Katsuki that was all that mattered.

Izuku cradled him gently, as with the numbing pain, and mental peace… Katsuki could sleep again.

Babies don’t sleep that well.

Katsuki knew it wasn’t healthy. He was escaping the blame, the guilt, the world. But- he couldn’t bring himself to care. The world had taken everything away from him, this was all he had left. So he let himself have it. He didn’t question it- didn’t want to question it. Everyone else had gotten the life they wanted. Everyone else had gotten to be- normal. So was it really that bad that he wanted to feel something other than guilt?

There was nobody left- at least not alive- to pray for him. To urge him in the right way. Katsuki didn’t even know what right meant anymore. The meaning of words was twisting painfully and weirdly. Before, he saw words, and they meant things. They made him feel.

But now?

All he felt was a numbing emptiness. And he liked it. It was a comforting change from- everything.

Yes, he had joined the League about one month ago. And- yes… They did treat him like family. but-… It wasn’t the same. That treatment came with expectations. Katsuki said he wanted revenge- and- he did. He wanted to make them pay. But… He couldn’t shake that feeling that this wasn’t him. The bright little kid who had stood alongside his best friend, and opened sticker packs with a bright smile.

He wanted to have control.

He wanted a perfect soul.

He wished he was special.

And he wasn’t that little kid anymore. So why was he hesitating so much? Why was he fighting it?

“Kacchan… it’s okay. I’m here. you’re doing the right thing. You’re special… and not wrong”

Katsuki heard, almost like an angelic melody, calming- numbing- soothing. And he let himself drown in it. It transformed an ugly, painful, and desperate drowning- into a peaceful one. And he embraced it with open arms. Because it felt warm. It felt comforting. Like that smell of arriving home as a kid, after spending the day playing. Like the sight of everyone smiling- and everyone telling you it was fine. Because it was.

“Just take this path, Kacchan… At the end- they have taken everything away from you, if you just listen to me, and stay with them… Everything will be okay.”

Katsuki nodded. Aching and longing for a sense of normalcy. A sense of- having a family. Of being loved. Of being cared for. So what if he had to- do some things that he used to swear to end? So what if he had to stray further away from what he was? Because he didn’t like who he was. And so…

He let himself fall into this new Katsuki. A Katsuki with no fear, no doubt, no guilt. He didn’t want to be one anymore. He wanted to be a part of something. His childhood lawn was dead. That bright kid was gone. In his place was- this. And if Katsuki could transform it to be something he liked-… And in the process get the revenge he ached for against those who had stolen that innocence from him… he would take it. Besides- how wrong could it be if Izuku told him it was okay?

He wanted to be a part of something.

And if that something was an organization of villains? So be it.