Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Charlie Morningstar made a Group Chat!

Charlie Morningstar added five contracts to the Group Chat!

Charlie Morningstar renamed the Group Chat to The Happy Hotel :)!

Charlie Morningstar changed their name to Charlie M..!

Charlie M.: Hi everyone!!! 🙂 🙂

Vaggie: Hello, Charlie

Angel Dust: Wtf is this

Sir Pentious: what isssssss thissss

Niffty: OHH Hi!!!1!!

Niffty: It’s the bad boy >:)

Charlie M.: This is a group chat for us to connect with one another! Think of it as a trust exercise. 

Husk: why do you keep roping everyone into this

Husk: only two people in this chat are guests

Charlie M.: It’s Bonding! 😀 It’s important because we are all in this together! 🙂

Angel Dust: Thats stupid

Charlie M.: It’s not stupid! It’s bonding, like I said!

Husk: this is a bad idea

_____________________________________________________________________

The Future of Hell

#ThatBitch: Where the fuck are you guys?

Pimpin’: Stfu I’m filming

#ThatBitch: We have a meeting?! Dumbass!?

Pimpin’: Deal with it then lil bro

#ThatBitch: I’m going to break your bones like twigs fucker

#ThatBitch: Wheres Vox

The-BEST-Vee: FUCKING ALASTOR

#ThatBitch: TMI

Pimpin’: About time

The-BEST-Vee: I saw that RAT-faced MOTHERFUCKER walking down the street and HE looked AT ME 

#ThatBitch: So?

#ThatBitch: Also, I thought you never left your man-cave? 

The-BEST-Vee: He looked at one of my screens and I KNOW

The-BEST-Vee: I KNOW that he saw me

#ThatBitch: What are you on

The-BEST-Vee: HOW DARE HE

#ThatBitch: Is it crack?

#ThatBitch: Mushrooms?

The-BEST-Vee: I HATE HIS SMILING FACE

#ThatBitch: Heroin?

The-BEST-Vee: AND HIS STUPID FUCKING CANE

#ThatBitch: Is it cocaine? 

The-BEST-Vee: AND HIS CHILD BEARING HIPS

Pimpin’: ???????!?!

#ThatBitch: Excuse me?

Pimpin’: Worse choices I guess

Pimpin’: I can dress up like him if you want

The-BEST-Vee: I HATE HIM

The-BEST-Vee: I HATE HIM

The-BEST-Vee: I HATE HIM

The-BEST-Vee: I HATE HIM

The-BEST-Vee: I HATE HIM

The-BEST-Vee: I HATE HIM

The-BEST-Vee: I HATE HIM

#ThatBitch muted The-BEST-Vee for 24 hours!

Chapter Text

The Happy Hotel :)

Charlie M. added one contact!

Charlie M.: Everyone I have an announcement!

Niffty: Oh OH!

Niffty: Is it a bad boy? >:)))

Charlie M.: No! I finally was able to convince Alastor to get a phone.

Angel Dust: I just saw you force a phone into Alastor’s hand

Angel Dust: After you wrestled him to the ground

Husk: alastor keeps throwing his phone at the wall and hitting his phone with every notification he gets

666-666-6662: hello my fine fellow residents of the hotel im using the mobile device

Charlie M. had changed 666-666-6662 ’s name to Alastor!

Alastor: why did i have to do this

Charlie M.: We’re bonding!

Nifty: Hi Alastor!1!! :> How r you?!?

Alastor: i’m good dear

Husk: i still think this is a bad idea

Vaggie: no one asked

Angel Dust: Yeah this is fuckin stupid

Charlie M.: 😢

Charlie M.: It’s not stupid!

Sir Pentious: Not your besssst idea, my dear

Charlie M.: *Sigh*

________________________________________________________________________

Exterminators (And Saint Peter)

D1ckmaster: Ay yo anyone wanna come over? 😉😉😉

Danger Tits: No, sir

(A few minutes later)

D1ckmaster: Why is no one else responding 😡

Danger Tits: No one has spoken in this chat in years, sir

Danger Tits: Other than us, sir

Danger Tits: and sometimes Peter

D1ckmaster: This is making Daddy real angry

D1ckmaster: 😡😡😡😡😡😡

D1ckmaster: anyway, wanna come over, danger tits

Danger Tits: no

D1ckmaster: y not?!?

D1ckmaster: u don’t want some of dis?

Saint Peter: SHUT THE FUCK UP

Saint Peter: IT’S SIX IN THE MORNING

D1ckmaster: stfu you limp dick twink

Saint Peter: I'm outside your house

D1ckmaster: what

Saint Peter: I swear to my guy Jesus

Saint Peter: If you don’t shut the fuck up

Saint Peter: I’m going to come in there and beat your ass

D1ckmaster: okay

Saint Peter: Thank you

Saint Peter: Anyways! Night guys! 😀

_____________________________________________________________________________

The Future of Hell

Pimpin’: Guys

Pimpin’: What comes after two

#ThatBitch: You can’t be serious you cockwomble bitch

Pimpin’: GASP

Pimpin’: Voxxy she’s making fun of me:,(

The-BEST-Vee: it's not my fault you can’t count 

Pimpin’: I’m being bullied

Pimpin’: By my two closest associates 

#ThatBitch: If you consider this bullying

#ThatBitch: You haven't seen me back in the day

#ThatBitch: I used to do worse to randos on MySpace

#ThatBitch: Don’t tell anyone that

Pimpin’: Tell what

#ThatBitch: That I was on MySpace

#ThatBitch: That would ruin my reputation, it’s almost as old as you fossils

The-BEST-Vee: What is a MySpace

#ThatBitch: Stfu 

The-BEST-Vee: Ok

Pimpin’: Don’t speak to my man like that 😠

#ThatBitch: Homos

Chapter Text

The Happy Hotel :)

Charlie M.: Good morning guys!

Charlie M.: I have an announcement!

Charlie M.: Do you guys know the overlord Vox?

Alastor: Sadly, yes

Alastor: also I learned to use the mobile device

Charlie M.: Good job, Alastor! 😀

Angel Dust: You mean that asshole who works alongside Val? 

Angel Dust: What ‘bout him?

Sir Pentious: My idolsssssssss

Angel Dust: And that guy who hired Pentious to spy on Alastor? 

Niffty: Is it a bad boy?  :>>>

Charlie M.: Well… I recently talked to him! 🙂

Vaggie: Honey, why are you talking with overlords?

Charlie M.: I talk with Alastor all the time

Charlie M.: Anyways, I was talking to him

Charlie M.: And he asked ME about the hotel

Alastor: oh god

Charlie M.: And he said he had some interest in our bonding exercise!

Charlie M.: A.k.a our group chat!!!

Alastor: oh dear no

Charlie M.: And he said that he’d be willing to sponsor and show our ad

Alastor: STOP TALKING

Alastor: I can’t deal with this today

Husk: i htink that Alastor is having a stroke

Alastor: YOU’RE HAVING A STROKE

Charlie M.: If I let him (and maybe his friends) into the group chat!! 😀

Alastor: vb 9p0 nbcqoqbs-[lqopv 

Alastor: I HOPE YOU FUCKING KILL YOURSELF

Charlie M. added three contacts!

Vaggie: Why

Vaggie: WHy Charlie

Valentino: :)

Valentino: Angie

Angel Dust: Why do you hate me, Charlie

Velvette: Wtf is this shit

Alastor: Charlie why would you this

Alastor: to your OWN hotel

Charlie M.: Sorry, I know you guys don’t like this ☹️but it IS for the hotel!

Charlie M.: Vox said he’d show the ad for the hotel! It’ll be great to have such an influential person telling people about us!

Vox: Alastor

Velvette: Not again

Valentino: About to go on one of his rants

Vaggie: What rants?

Velvette: One of his rants about how much he hates Alastor

Valentino: They’re very misleading at times

Alastor: Is it possible to remove him from this chatlog

Vox: Alastor……….

Alastor: Leave

Alastor: Please?

Vox: I loved you

Vaggie: What

Angel Dust: What

Sir Pentious: What

Valentino: Your cheated on me? 😭

Velvette: Bro Vox wtf

Velvette: Also don't pretend to be sad bro yo r the overlord of porn

Velvette: You’re cheating on him rn you oversized baby

Alastor: Charlie i’m sorry remove him please

Vox: Alastor

Vox: Alastor, we've known each other for a while, haven’t we? I fucking hate you so much, Al. Every moment we’ve been together you anger me. You think you’re so much better than me, huh? Well, let me tell you something you old man. Everyone will forget you, you walking mistake. Radio will rot away like the sad excuse of your status. I fucking hate and you should end your life NOW.

Alastor: Charlie how do I block someone

Vox: You should have never rejected my offer. We could’ve been everything. EVerything!!

Velvette: I swear to Lucifer himself that if you don’t stfu I’ll kill you

Vox: We could’ve been the most powerful overlords in hell! But Nooo, you were apparently too GOOD to accept my offer to stay for an eternity with me! 

Velvette: Kys

Sir Pentious: I’m uncomfortable

Pimpin’: Wft si happpeningg

Angel Dust: stfu you illiterate bitch

Vox: I would’ve given you everything

Vox: Everything

Alastor: Dry up Harlot

Charlie M.: Alastor! Maybe you should tell him that you are uncomfortable and why! It’ll be a lesson in communication and an example to our guests!! 🙂

Alastor: He isn’t going to listen

Alastor: I’ve tried everything

Alastor: It never works

Vox: I can still give ou everything 

Vox: PLease go out with mee

Vox: I’ll do anything

Vaggie: Charlie, Honey, this wasn’t your greatest idea

Sir Pentious: I don’t want to be here anymore

Niffty: I’ve had a change of heart. I’m no longer into bad boys.

Husk: alastor is crying

Husk: it's kinda funny.

Husk: but also its kinda creepy reading Vox’s messages

Husk: so stop it's getting weird

Charlie M.: Wow… Thank you for sharing Vox…This is a good example for my guests!

Charlie M.: It shows that you can share your deepest emotions. As an example. To my guests.

Charlie M.: But also

Charlie M. has muted Vox for two days!

___________________________________________________________________

Exterminators (And Saint Peter)

D1ckmaster: I feel a disturbance 

D1ckmaster: In the force

Saint Peter: What are you talking about

Danger Tits: It's probably Vaggie

Danger Tits: Doing something stupid, like always

Danger Tits: I fucking hate her

Saint Peter: Okay? I don’t care.

D1ckmaster: No… *Stares off into the distance with a stoic look on his face*

Saint Peter: Y/N moment

D1ckmaster: Oh, you would know, wouldn’t you?

Saint Peter: Shut up, you rat-faced freak

Saint Peter: The other winners talk shit about you behind your big ass back

D1ckmaster: Don’t pretend like you ain’t moaning your way through heaven

D1ckmaster: they call you Mister Moan

Saint Peter: Wow

Saint Peter: SOo insulted 

Saint Peter: To be real, that was the shitty and funniest insult ever

Saint Peter: Did you come up with that while on your thirtieth lunch, big boy?

D1ckmaster: Oh, fat-shaming are we?!

Danger Tits: Saint Peter, please stop

Danger Tits: He’s hysterically sobbing in the bathroom rn like Vaggie

(Danger Tits is typing…) 

Saint Peter: Stop typing right now

Saint Peter: I don’t want to hear one of your lesbian rants about Vaggie, you weirdo  

Saint Peter: Also, was that Adam loudly crying I just heard

D1ckmaster: I wasn’t crying!1!

D1ckmaster: You were crying!!

Saint Peter: Bro, you’re making me sad

D1ckmaster: Cause you were crying!!!

Saint Peter: This is pathetic 

D1ckmaster: I’m the first fucking man!

D1ckmaster: You should be worshipping me!! You came from me!

Saint Peter: Nuh uh

D1ckmaster: What do you mean nuh uh?!

Danger Tits: stop gang

Danger Tits: this is annoying bros

Saint Peter: bro you ain’t one to talk

Danger Tits: Kill yourself

Chapter Text

The Happy Hotel :)

Angel Dust: Charlie

Angel Dust: Please give me admin privs

Angel Dust: It’ll be like a trust exercise 

Charlie M.: Angel… you know I can’t do that 😞 If I gave it to you, you may remove my Admin permissions.

Charlie M.: Maybe one day, though! 😀

Angel Dust: Charlie, this is important. Please. I will happily engage in all your weird exercises.

Angel Dust: For however long it takes to be redeemed

Charlie M.: Really? 😀

Vaggie: What is happening, it's two in the mornin g

Vaggie: Charlie don’t

Charlie: But Vaggie 😢

Angel Dust: I promise on my drugs, my career, and my pig

Valentino: You can t promise you’re job

Valentino: I ill make u have a too day shit

Charlie M. gave Angel Dust admin access!

Angel Dust: Thank you

Vaggie: oh god no

Angel Dust removed Valentino from the chat!

Angel Dust: The world is at peace

Angel Dust changed Vaggie’s name to The Good Time Ruiner!

The Good Time Ruiner: Bro why

Angel Dust: For everything 

Husk: charlie sometimes you arent the smartest

Angel Dust changed Husk’s name to The Bar!

The Bar: why

Angel Dust: I dont know, thought it was funny

The Bar: it aint

Charlie M.: Angel Dust 🙂 Please stop changing people’s names without my consent. I understand wanting to remove Valentino, but that doesn’t give you the right to change people’s names.

Alastor: You hooligans are interrupting my midnight snack

The Good Time Ruiner: Is a sinner or an animal?

Alastor: No it is a salad

The Good Time Ruiner: Wait, really?

Alastor: Yes

Vox: You’re a vegan now?! 

Alastor: Why do you only talk in this digital conversation room when I do?

Velvette: He only has notifications on for when you talk

Angel Dust changed Velvette’s name to Bitch!

Bitch: You have a lot of fucking nerve for someone on Val’s leash, you dog

Angel Dust changed Bitch’s name to Fucking-Bitch!

Fucking-Bitch: WOW

Vox: Angel I will break your contract with Val if you give me admin lil bro

Fucking-Bitch: are you fucking serious rn?!

Fucking-Bitch: I can bet your discord-moderating ass heavy breathing like a wolf in heat bro

Fucking-Bitch: This is so fucking sad why can’t you hack it like normal

Vox: Stfu Vel

Fucking-Bitch: bruh

Vox: Angel, give me admin

Angel Dust: I’ll have to see you break it, lil bro

Vox has sent a video! (Lil bro ate that contact)

The Good Time Ruiner: Wtf

Charlie M.: I am sure that isn’t how you break contracts! 

Charlie M.: Did it work, Angel?

Angel Dust: How the fuck

Angel Dust: Did that work

Angel Dust: Okay I guess

Angel Dust has given Vox admin access!

Charlie M.: Angel 🙂 You shouldn’t give other people access! You didn't talk it over with me!

Angel Dust: Dude just freed my soul

Angel Dust: He’s getting admin

Charlie M.: Okay! I understand, just please don’t give Admin to anyone else! 😀

  Sir Pentious: Angle what issss happening

Angel Dust: Bro It's not ANGEL

Angel Dust: It's Anthony

Fucking-Bitch: That was cringy as hell

Alastor: This is so stupid

Vox: Firstly,

Vox has removed Angel Dust’s Admin Access! 

Vox has added one contact!

Valentino: Vox you STUPID FUCKING WHORE ASS BItch I fucking hat you SO FUCKINF MUSH YOU WALKinG Mistake

Vox changed his and two other people’s names!

Vox’s BF: AWWW this is almost cute

Vox’s Husband: I hope you fucking kill yourself 

The-Best-Vee: No

The-Best-Vee: Also ha

The-Best-Vee: Also I’m sure you can get him back Val

Fucking-Bitch: No sin that I committed was worth this shit

Vox’s BF: i cant fucing believ tat you broke my contract for admin

The-Best-Vee: It wasn’t JUST for admin

The-Best-Vee: It was for us…

The-Best-Vee: Also cause its funny

Fucking-Bitch: I fucking hate you so goddamn much you walking Pikey Prat

The-Best-Vee: Shut up you annoying British fuck

The Bar: alastor is crying in the corner 

The Bar: this isn’t funny anymore

The-Best-Vee: Of COURSE that LITTLE bitch is crying

The-Best-Vee: Want me to come over

Vox’s Husband: KILL YOURSELF

Charlie M. has removed The-Best-Vee’s admin access!

Charlie M.: Enough of that! 🙂 It was getting weird 

Charlie M.: Let’s keep this… Family-friendly

Charlie M. changed Vox’s Husband’s name to Alastor!

Alastor: Thank you so much.

(The-Best-Vee is typing…)

Alastor: SHUT THE FUCK UP

Chapter Text

Exterminators (And Saint Peter)

D1ckmaster: Fellas

D1ckmaster: And Saint Peter

D1ckmaster: Play it cool, understand?

D1ckmaster: But… I have to… 

Danger Tits: What’s wrong, sir?

D1ckmaster: *Sighs as I look down at my shlong, which is massive as always* I…

Saint Peter: Get to the fucking point, my brother in Christ, we don’t have all day

D1ckmaster: I have to add the two seraphim

Danger Tits: Why?

D1ckmaster: i dunno man they wanted to see what we’re doing because some SNITCH complained about the number of messages this group chat has

Danger Tits: That makes sense

Danger Tits: I have been using this place as a diary and a grocery list for the past several years. So has Saint Peter, I think.

D1ckmaster: Get ready, everyone

D1ckmaster has added two contacts!

Danger Tits changed the Group Chat name to The Angels (And Saint Peter)

Emily: Hi guys, *Emily says with a joyous smile on her face*

Seraphim: Greetings, everyone

Saint Peter has deleted all the previous messages!

Emily: I didn’t know Saint Peter was in this group chat! 

Saint Peter: Hello there, Emily.

Saint Peter: How are you?

Emily: I’m doing great! *Emily smiles widely*

Seraphim: Why did you delete all the previous messages, Peter?

Saint Peter: Apologies, it was a mistake on my part. I was excited for you both to come into the group chat, and I just started to button-smash.

Emily: That makes sense

D1ckmaster: HE IS LYING!!!1!! HE HAS BEEN THREATENING MY LIFE FOR YEARS! YEARS I SAY!11! 

Danger Tits: Bro

Emily: Hahaha, that is humorous, Adam! *Emily laughs gleefully*

Seraphim: That was actually really funny. 

D1ckmaster: I AM CRYING RIGHT NOW! AND YOU GUYS THINK THIS IS A JOKE??????

Danger Tits: Can concur I’m right next to him.

D1ckmaster: LUTE STOP LAUGHING AT ME THIS INSTANCE! I”M NOY LYING HES A HORRIBLE PERSON WHO ABUSES ME EVRY DAY

Danger Tits: No, he doesn’t 

Danger Tits: I have been in this group chat since its inception, and not once has he technically “abused” you

D1ckmaster: Witewawwy stawp wying wight nyow

Saint Peter: I am sorry, Adam, if I have ever made you feel unsafe or uncomfortable

___________________________________________________________________

A private chat between Saint Peter and D1ckmaster has been started!

Saint Peter: I swear to god if you keep snitching 

Saint Peter: I will pull up

Saint Peter: And we don’t want a repeat of last time, buster. 

___________________________________________________________________

The Overlords Of Hell.

Carmilla Carmine: Everyone, we have a meeting scheduled at 3:00 pm tomorrow. Kindly be there, as we have important business to discuss. Tell me if you will be unavailable tomorrow. Understood?

666-666-6662: I will sadly be unavailable forever. Apologies and my salutations.

Carmilla Carmine: And you are?

666-666-6662: Alastor

Carmilla Carmine: Do you not just come back from a seven-year absence?

Odette changed 666-666-6662’s name to Alastor!

Odette: For clarity’s sake

Carmilla Carmine: Thank you.

Vox: NO NOT AGAIN! YOU CAN’T LEAVE UNTIL I GET in YOUR ASS

Carmilla Carmine: Never mind, do as you wish.

Alastor: There’s a special word for people like you 

Vox: There’s a special word for people like us ;)

Velvette: I am starting to hate you a lot, Vox

Valentino: 😡😡Don’t talk to my man like that 😡😡

Zestial: Well, if it isn’t the Skittle squad

Zestial: Well, recently (just anon) I wast having a lovely walketh with mine own ladybird comrade alast'r.  But strangely enow, once that gent did look at his mobile device, that gent beganeth to heave the gorge.  Violently… f'r sev'ral minutes.  Wherefore is yond?

Vox: Is my (rival) cheating on me?!? (I fucking hate him)

Carmilla Carmine: Can you all just tell me if you guys are coming or not?

Vox: I unfortunately can’t come tomorrow. I happen to be doing something important, unlike you all.

Alastor: I can come tomorrow, then. As of that message, my plans have changed.

Vox: Why are you a pussy.

Velvette: Have you ever seen a pussy, fag

Carmilla Carmine: Anyone else?

Odette: We will be there tomorrow.

Carmilla Carmine: I know, honey

Zestial: I shalt beest in attendance, Carmilla.

Valentino: I cat be ther tomorrow becaus ive codudl my shoot 

Velvette: What the fuck were you even trying to say

Carmilla Carmine: Language

Velvette: Where do you think we are 

Vox: Well, anyway, I CAN attend tomorrow

Alastor: I can no longer attend

Vox: Why are you such a gapping pussy

Zeezii: I can come :3

Fire-skull-deer-fellow: Xp zxk f

Zestial: What art thou yapping about

Vox: Well, anyway, I was lying before. I can’t show up.

Chapter Text

The Overlords of Hell.

Carmilla Carmine: The meeting will start in ten minutes. Be there. 

Odette: Clara and I are back from dropping off the delivery 

Carmilla Carmine: Thank you, dear.

Zestial: Alast'r and I shalt beest th're anon

Zeezii: I’m Here ;33 

Fire-skull-deer-fellow: tev xob vlr qxihfkd ifhb qexq?

Zeezii: ‘Cus its fuwwy

(Ten minutes later)

Zeezii: Why awe they singing at each othew

Fire-skull-deer-fellow: tev xob vlr pqfii qxihfkd ifhb qexq?

Alastor: Why does it mean to “swipin' right”?

Zestial: I knoweth not.

Clara: Stop looking at your phones

Velvette: You’re looking at your phone right now

Clara: How are you talking on your phone right now? You don’t have your phone in your hand.

Velvette: Repetition Rachael, over here

Rosie: Why are you eating that angel’s head, Alastor

Rosie: Without me :( 

Alastor: Oh, I’ll pass it over

Zeezii: Did the meeting fr just get cancewwed?

Fire-skull-deer-fellow: f prmmlpb pl

Zestial: what art thou coequal declaring broth'r

Fire-skull-deer-fellow: Qexq'p klkb lc vlro yrpfkbpp

Rosie: Would you like to go and eat a sinner with me, Alastor?

Alastor: Unfortunately, my darling, I can’t right now.

Rosie: Then another time, I suppose

Vox: Alastor, I thought you weren’t going to pull up to the meeting today

___________________________________________________________________

The MorningStars

Charlie: Guys, I think my girlfriend is having emotional problems. I don’t know how to handle

Lilith: Darling, don’t call us “Guys”, we’re your parents.

Lucifer: HONEY?!?

(Read)

Lucifer: Why is this happening to me

Charlie: How do I talk to her?

Lucifer: I don’t have friends, so I don’t know how friends talk to each other

Charlie: Dad.

Lucifer: What

(Read)

Lucifer: WHAT HAVE I DONE WRONG

___________________________________________________________________

A private chat between Charlie and Lilith has started!

Charlie: Mom, please

Charlie: Vaggie is talking about how she’s only important if she can protect me

Charlie: I don’t know how to correct this feeling in her

Charlie: I think that it's been a growing feeling in her. I just…haven’t noticed before now. How can I help anyone if I can’t help the people closest to me?

Charlie: Hello? Mom?

Charlie: You were JUST talking in the group chat

Charlie: MOM

(Several months later)

Lilith: Sorry, hon, I was doing something. What were you talking about?

Chapter Text

The Future of Hell

#ThatBitch: Where is Val’s crybaby ass

Pimpin’: Uh, hello, Ms. Velvette. This is Vox’s assistant (If you remember), and I am writing from Mr. Valentino’s phone

#ThatBitch: Oh, Peppermint boy?

Pimpin’: Uh, sure, miss

#ThatBitch: What is up with Valentino?

#ThatBitch: Also, stop writing ‘Uh” in your text messages, moron.

Pimpin’: Uh, sorr,y madame uhhh I’m using the speech-to-text, apologies 

#ThatBitch: Just get on with it.

Pimpin’: Erm, Angel Duster came and slapped him really hard and told Mr.Valentino to kill himself, and then told the others that he’d see them tomorrow

#ThatBitch: And that requires you to be there for him, why?

Pimpin’: Um, he's kinda unconscious right now

#ThatBitch: And how is he unconscious? Because I’m one hundred percent sure that that little slut couldn’t knock him out

Pimpin’: He kind of was so angry that he destroyed everything and ran around until he fell unconscious.

#ThatBitch: Of course, he fucking did that

The-Best-Vee: Can y’all stop talking in this chat? I’m trying to work

#ThatBitch: This is all your fucking fault, you walking cunt

The-Best-Vee: What are you complaining about now?

Pimpin’: SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU NASTY RAT WHORE!! THIS IS WHY NOBODY LOVES YOU!!

#ThatBitch: So true bro like what the fuck

Pimpin’: WAIT NO I WAS SPEAKING TO SOMEONE ELSE I'M SO SO SO SORRY

The-Best-Vee: Office. 

Pimpin’: Uhh

Pimpin’: I needa to take my break now

The-Best-Vee: You don’t have breaks.

Pimpin’: Okay Voxxie ♥️ This is Val btw

The-Best-Vee: I can see you through the cams

The-Best-Vee: I know he’s still asleep. Office, Now.

Pimpin’: UHH NUH UH

#ThatBitch: Is it disrespecting your boss's week? Cause I need this shit to stop before my models try and unionize.

The-Best-Vee: GET THE FUCK TO MY OFFICE RIGHT NOW

(Read by Pimpin’)

#ThatBitch: Damn, everyone leaving you, huh?

The-Best-Vee: I don’t need your snarky comeback, Vel

Pimpin’: I’m gonna smack yuo sily 

The-Best-Vee: No.

#ThatBitch: Welcome back, Val

Pimpin’: How did u know it bwas me?!? 

#ThatBitch: Your phone doesn’t have autocorrect on it, so clearly it wasn’t you when you spelled things right or used speech-to-text

Pimpin’: Kys

Pimpin’: Vox, private chat. Now.

The-Best-Vee: Ugh, Fine.

________________________________________________________________________

A private chat between Valentino and Vox has started!

Valentino: Vox. What. the. Fuck. is. Your. problem.

Vox: Is this about sending my assistant instead of going myself?

Valentino: OMG my fucking god tyou supdud idoit ITS ABOUT BREAKING MYB ONTACT WITH AANGLE BUST

Vox: Oh, that? It’s not that serious.

Vox: He’ll come crawling back to you.

Vox: He always does 

Valentino: BECAUSE I HAD HES FUKING SOUL

Vox: Have you genuinely thought that was the only reason he was sticking around? Newsflash, Val, it's not. For years, he’s been attached to you like a horny dog, and you can’t be stuck with someone for that long without caring, even if you did own his soul. Stockholm or something. He’s dependent on you; you made him. He would be nothing without you. Even after all the complaining he has done over the years after “tough” days at work, he came back to cling to your leg. He needs you. 

Vox: He’ll be back. Do you need anything else, or can I go back to work?

Valentino: Fine. But you have to come w oth me to talk too him.

Vox: Sure. Whatever makes you happy.

________________________________________________________________________

A Private Chat Between Vox and Assistant #401 has started!

Vox: Assistant #401.

Assistant #401: Yes Sir…

Vox: Get yourself to my office. Now.

Assistant #401: I’m busy.

Vox: No, you are not, especially when I want you here. 

Assistant #401: I’m Nots your man.

Vox: I decide what you are.

Vox: Do you want to end up like assistant #400?

Assistant #401: I’ll be there in a minute

Vox: Good Boy. I want you here now.

Assistant #401: Yes, sir…

________________________________________________________________________

(Several days later)

Vox made a Group Chat!

Vox added two contacts to the Group Chat!

Vox: Angel, stop ignoring Val.

Valentino: Anep whats the matter, why have you been ignoring me? We have a food thing foreign on. I know yore planning hard to get nad everything but you didn’t need to block me…

(Read by Anthony)

Valentino: angle you fucking whore i hate y6pu so s so do you fucking het i made you oy you’d be nothing without me NOTHING And this how you treat me?!?

Valentino: I am not the one who forced anuyinh iy ews you choice 

Valentino: dont you remember all ive done for you i was there for you in your darkest moment and I helped you become a star. So many people adore you because of the work we’ve done together. 

Valentino: I swear to fucking to STAN I will fucking kill that pig of yours if you dont respond rifght now

(Ten minutes later)

Valentino: I’m cumming for you boy

Vox:  Get over it, lil bro

Valentino: Says you

Vox removed Valentino from the chat!

Vox: Lil bro

Anthony: Lil Bro

Vox: Lil Bro

Anthony: Lil bro

Chapter Text

The Happy Hotel!:)

Niffty: Guys >:> I think there’s a bad boy outside

Sir Pentious: what are you talkiiing about Dear 

The Good Time Ruiner: Who is outside Niffty?

Niffty: A bad boy >:> I wanna go see him!

The Good Time Ruiner: Is he the one yelling

Sir Pentious: it ssseemss sssso 

The Good Time Ruiner: Then no, Nifty

The Good Time Ruiner: Also, Pentious, why do you text like that?

Sir Pentious: like what, vagatha?

The Good Time Ruiner: Nevermind

Niffty: Ohh the bad boy is yelling for someone 

Niffty: Is he yelling for me? >:)

Sir Pentious: i don’t think sssso dearie

The Good Time Ruiner: Is he yelling… Angel Dust’s name?

The Good Time Ruiner: Is it Valentino?

Sir Pentious: let me check, vagatha

Sir Pentious: yesss

The Good Time Ruiner: Dearest fucking god

Anthony: He’s what?!

The Good Time Ruiner: Angel, stay inside, we’ll deal with everything

Sir Pentious: we? Are we speaking French now??? Caussssse I'm not going out there, brother

The Good Time Ruiner: Not you. Charlie and I will. 

The Good Time Ruiner: Also, I thought you were a big fan of the Vees.

Sir Pentious: I’ve developed sssiinnce the lasssst time we sssspoke

Niffty: He is trying to get in

Niffty: This is just like November Nine.

The Good Time Ruiner: Niffty what are you talking about?

Anthony: Can you do something??

The Good Time Ruiner: Yes, of course.

The Good Time Ruiner: @Charlie M.

Charlie M.: *sigh* Meet me at the door, Vaggie

The Good Time Ruiner: ‘Course

(A few minutes later)

Sir Pentious: Whattsss happeningg out there??

Niffty: There trying to get rid of him: <

Sir Pentious: wrrrongg ‘there’

The Bar: what is happening

Sir Pentious: valentino of the veesss is outssside tryingg to get Anthony

The Bar: okay

Anthony: Maybe I should just go outside

The Bar: no

Sir Pentious: no.

Niffty: I’ll go out for you >:3

The Good Time Ruiner: You will not be coming outside, actually.

Vox’s BF: you should come out sidfe nw2o i miss yohy 

Anthony: I…

Anthony: Will you leave them alone if I do

The Good Time Ruiner: Anthony you will not do this. I swear to fucking god. 

Vox’s BF: of corse honeye

The Bar: angel don’t

Vox’s BF: How abot you get poff ymy ass

Vox’s BF: Coem on, ANgie, come out side 

Anthony: He can’t :3

Sir Pentious: Niffty?

Vox’s BF: I SEAR TO FUCKING GO IF HE DOESN’T COME OUT RIGHT NNOW I WILL KILL TOU ALL

Charlie M.: It’s time to calm down, Valentino

Vox’s BF: SHOUT THE FUKC UP YOU SLUT

Charlie M.: Now, now… we can talk about this, Val. We can discuss it here since you aren’t willing to speak to me in person!

Vox’s BF: I will soomce inside if you dont come to me

The Good Time Ruiner: No, you aren’t. Your behaviour is not allowed, especially around Anthony.

Vox’s BF: SJHUT THE FUKC UO YOU STUPID LEZZY DYLKE

Charlie M.: …

Sir Pentious: whatsss that ssssound?

Niffty: What sound :3

Sir Pentious: Thatt repeatedd banngingg sssssound?

Anthony: Niffty where are you

Niffty: Nowhere ;33

The Bar: what happened

Anthony: Niffty attacked me and took my phone before running off.

The Bar: and why did she do that

Anthony: How the fuck would I know?! I was standing there!

Niffty: No you weren't :P You were trying to leave

Sir Pentious: ISSS CHARLOTTE BEATING VALENTINO OR AM IMAGING THATT

Anthony: I don’t want you all to get hurt because of me! I don’t want you guys to get hurt like I’ve been!!

Sir Pentious: I THINK HE’SSS DDEAD

Charlie M.: Don’t worry :) I wouldn’t kill one of my citizens just like that!

Charlie M.: He’ll be gone for a bit, probably. Also, …

Charlie M.: Anthony, I would never let him hurt you again. You’re my guest, and beyond that, you’re my friend. I’m here to protect and be there for you on your road to redemption. 

Charlie M.: I will use all the power I have to make sure you never get hurt again, uwu

Charlie M.: Also, he insulted my girlfriend and that’s simply not allowed.

Sir Pentious: Did you jussst evaporate him?!?!

________________________________________________________________

The Angels (And Saint Peter)

Saint Peter: Question

Saint Peter: Why is it The Angels AND Saint Peter?

Saint Peter: I’m an angel, too

Danger Tits: Consistency

Danger Tits: Don’t ruin the vibe

Saint Peter: Okay, that’s chill

D1ckmaster: One of y’all want to hang?

D1ckmaster: Like, get some food

Saint Peter: Where?

D1ckmaster: Anywhere

Danger Tits: Arbys?

D1ckmaster: Fuck yea

Saint Peter: Sure that works.

Danger Tits: Are you going to pick us up or do we meet up at Arby's?

D1ckmaster: I can pick y’all up

Saint Peter: Awesome.

Seraphim: Is it not three am?

Seraphim: Also, the three of you are standing right next to each other. I just walked past you

D1ckmaster: WHAT REALLY?!? *I say, my throbbing shlong dong a ding dong blowing in the wind*

Danger Tits: Saint Peter stop laughing it wasn’t funnty

Seraphim: You three are standing next to each other. Why couldn’t you just say that aloud?

Seraphim: Also, why are you three standing like that?

Danger Tits: Adam stop yelling its annoying

D1ckmaster: Sorry I was having a moment. *Sings Opera*

Danger Tits: Is that what you consider to be yelling?

Danger Tits: Saint Peter it wans’t that funny

Emily: Why is Saint Peter on the ground laughing? *Emily says, concerned*

Emily: And why are your eyes so red? *Emily asked, curious*

Seraphim: *GASP*

Seraphim: Are you three on…. The Devil’s Lettuce?

Danger Tits: Noooo, We would Never do that

Danger Tits: We are good citizens of heaven, we’d never

D1ckmaster: yea we r

Danger Tits: I’m not buying Arby's now

D1ckmaster: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo

D1ckmaster: YOU BITCH HOW COULD YOU?!

Danger Tits: What did I say?

D1ckmaster: I dunno

Saint Peter: Can we go now

D1ckmaster: Fuck yea

Emily: What’s the devil lettuce?

Saint Peter: Heaven

Emily: But we’re in heaven? *Emily says, genuinely confused.*

Saint Peter: Heaven. In Heaven.

Emily: Oh, okay, cool

Saint Peter: OMG WHY ARE YALL UPSIDE DOWN

Danger Tits: That explains so much

D1ckmaster: I AM?!

Emily: Don’t worry, Adam, you’re not! But Saint Peter, you are.

Danger Tits: HOW ARE YOU SEEING ME STOP YOU DEVIL BITCH WHAT THE FUCK WHERE ARE YOU!?!?!

Emily: Right next to you? *Emily says, smiling slightly.*

Danger Tits: WHY ARE YOU HERE LEAVLEAVELEAVE

Emily: Sera asked me to make sure you guys are okay!

Emily: I can buy the food if you’d like! *Emily says, ensuring that she will*

Danger Tits: o myy god you’re literally jesus to me

Emily: I’m not Jesus, though? Would you like me to go get him?

Saint Peter: Were almost there

D1ckmaster: yea we’re soooooooooooooo close

Emily: You two walked past it

Danger Tits: Am I there yet?

Emily: I’m carrying you now so no

Danger Tits: Are we there yet

Emily: No

D1ckmaster: R we there yet

Saint Peter: I think I am at wall

D1ckmaster: What

Emily: We’re Here!!

Emily: Please get off the roof, Peter and Adam. *Emily yells*

D1ckmaster: oka

Saint Peter: Im at wall

Emily: Please act civil, okay? And I’ll be taking your phones until later.

Danger Tits: Nnooooooooooooooooooookvnghe

D1ckmaster: That’s rude to take Lute’s phone from her hand like dat

Saint Peter: Wall.

(Eleven Hours later)

Saint Peter: aaaaaaaaggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhrhhhhhhhhhhhhh

D1ckmaster: So true brother

Saint Peter: I am not your brother, biggie

Emily: Excuse me?

Saint Peter: ADAM TOOK MY PHONE AND WROTE THAT TO MAKE ME SEEM BAD 

Emily: Why?

Saint Peter: Why wouldn’t he?

D1ckmaster: LIES! LIES. HE IS THE SERPENT OF THIS SITUATION. A DECEIVING IMBECILE! DO NOT FALL FOR THE LIES FOR THE LIES HE LIES ENDLESSLY. YOU ARE ALL BETTER THAN THIS, DON’T FALL FOR IT.

Danger Tits: Why are we at the Waffle House

D1ckmaster: Why the fuck would I know

Seraphim: Y’all got hungry while you were high

D1ckmaster: I wanted to go to Arby’s, though

Seraphim: You did

Saint Peter: We can tell

Seraphim: Has it worn off?

Danger Tits: Yes, Madame

Danger Tits: And I must say I apologize for having to see us like that, it was not intended.

(Danger Tits is typing…)

Seraphim: Enough of that

Seraphim: From now on, you will never do that again. Understood?

D1ckmaster: Understood.

Emily: Isn’t this fun?

D1ckmaster: Just joyful

______________________________________________________________________________

D1ckmaster made a New Group Chat!

D1ckmaster added 1,001 people to the chat!

D1ckmaster named the Group Chat Exterminators (And Saint Peter) Part Two

D1ckmaster: Freedom

Chapter Text

The Overlords of Hell.

Zeezii: Do u think any of these is wowth it? UwU

Fire-skull-deer-fellow: Texq xob vlr qxihfkd xylrq, wbbwff? texq'p tloqe fq?

Zeezii: Low nothing! OwO i was juwst being fuwnny.

Zestial: What the alas art thee talking about? thee just typeth lett'rs down and somehow people und'rstand thee @Fire-skill-deer-fellow 

Fire-skull-deer-fellow: perq qeb crzh rm cxd

Zeezii: Youw can't juwst say that!! OwO

Zestial: what didst that gent sayeth to me?

Zeezii: He cawwed u a fag

Zestial: THE FUCK?!?

Zestial: What have I ever done to you??

Fire-skull-deer-fellow: You know what you did

Zestial: I doth not knoweth actually

Fire-skull-deer-fellow: Hvp

Vox: You know what this reminds me of?

Alastor: Jump off a bridge, you ankle biter

Vox: No.

Vox: Anyway, this reminds me of a time when Alastor and I were going to Cannibal Town. He called me gay the entire time JUST because I kept joking that we were on a date together. 

Alastor: This is why I left our friendship. JUST like how your mom left you.

Vox: KYS

Zestial: Wherefore didst thee bid us yond liketh we'd careth at all

Fire-skull-deer-fellow: 'crzhfkd exqb cxddlqp

Zeezii: You can't say that, u'we stwaightew that uwncooked spaghetti

Odette: Hello there, kindly move this conversation somewhere else. This is meant for serious matters regarding overlord (and hell as a whole) politics and discussion. Understood?

Odette: Also, we will be having a meeting in the near future. More news to come out tomorrow.

Fire-skull-deer-fellow: Mboexmp zlkpfabo avfkd vlr avhb

________________________________________________________________________

The Overlords of Hell.

Odette: There will be a meeting today about continuing discussions on what the overlords should do in the coming months with the move-up

Zeezii: Whewe iws youw sistew? She nevew seems tuwu tawk with us :(

Odette: Clara is currently busy

Zeezii: Awnd whawt iws she doing wight now :p

Carmilla Carmine: Zeezii, it does not matter. Will you be here today?

Zeezii: Yes UWU

Carmilla Carmine: Will anyone else be unable to come?

Rosie: I will be there. Will there be another angel? I quite enjoyed it last time.

Fire-skull-deer-fellow: F exsb klqefkd ybqqbo ql al. Vbp, f tfii yb qebob.

Zestial: Art thee sure thee wanteth to has't anoth'r meeting so anon? t hast only been a couple of months since the lasteth one

Carmilla Carmine: We still need to discuss what needs to happen in the upcoming extermination.

Zestial: Then I supposeth I'll beest th're, mine own cousin.  I shalt arriveth in an hour, as I still has't c'rtainly buisness to attendeth to

Carmilla Carmine: Alright

Alastor: If it’ll be as fun as last time, then of course I’ll be there.

Carmilla Carmine: Okay.

Carmilla Carmine: And I kindly request that Velvette is not the one to come and represent. Especially after her little scene.

Valentino: Okay. I will be there.

Carmilla Carmine: Alright, I suppose.

Rosie: Is the answer no? 

Rosie: Gosh

______________________________________________________________________________

The Carmines 

Carmilla Carmine: Odette, where is Clara?

Odette: Work.

Carmilla Carmine: Today is her off day. She shouldn’t be working.

Odette: .... 

Odette: She told me not to tell you.

Carmilla Carmine: Excuse me?

Carmilla Carmine: Where is she?

Odette: Please promise not to get mad

Carmilla Carmine: I would never get mad at either of you. I promise.

Odette: Well….

______________________________________________________________________________

The Overlords Of Hell.

Zestial: Carmilla, if 't be true thee needeth, we can reschedule.  Thee doth not seemeth well

Carmilla Carmine: I’ll be fine.

Zeezii: Whewn awe we going tuwu stawt? I down't have aww day. UwU

Carmilla Carmine: Now. Get off your phone now.

Alastor: Sadly, I have to leave. Good Day!

Rosie: Sit down, you’re already here!

Alastor: Okay. I will be leaving early at the slightest inconvenience.

(Ten Minutes Later)

Rosie: Does anyone notice Vox's heavy breathing, staring at Alastor from across the table?

Zeezii: I didn't wawnt tuwu say anything, but yeah. Kinda weiwd

Rosie: Do you think he’s noticed?

Alastor: WHAT DO YOU THINK?

Zestial: Didst anyone noticeth Vox changeth seats?

Alastor: HOW DID HE SWITCH THE SIDE OF THE TABLE HE WAS SITTING ON WITHOUT ANYONE NOTICING????

Rosie: That’s certainly odd.

Zestial: We shouldst putteth our phones hence.  Dearest Carmilla seemeth to beest conflict'd between screaming at all of us 'r killing ev'ry single one of us

Alastor: How is he closer

Alastor: Rosie, can we please switch seats?

Rosie: Oh, I would, dearie, but Carmilla seems to be wanting for someone to slip up so she can get angry and throw them out the window. It would be rather inconvenient.

Zeezii: Wasn't iwt supposed tuwu be Vawentino coming tuwu thiws meeting?

Zeezii: wait whawt the fuck

Zestial: Wherefore is Vox sitting on the same chair as Alast'r?

Fire-skull-deer-fellow: F qefkh eb (xixpqlo) fp qovfkd klq ql zov

Zeezii: Did anyone ewse see awastow's smiwe fwy off hiws face awnd fwip tuwu a fwown, ow did I hawwucinate thawt?

Rosie: You didn’t hallucinate that, dear

Zestial: Oh, lief.  Shall anyone stand ho vox from choking alast'r? I bethink t'll maketh carmilla rath'r fell

Rosie: Wait, what?

Rosie: Oh dearie me, he is choking him out! 

Rosie: I don’t think we should do anything. Alastor seems to be fine; he has it under control.

Zestial: Is Vox's lengthy rant a homosexual thing, 'r is that gent genuinely nimble-footed?

Fire-skull-deer-fellow: Ebob zljbp zxojfiix.

Fire-skull-deer-fellow: gbprp zeofpq. Peb qeobt efj lrq qeb tfkalt.

Rosie: Oh, there goes Vox, out the window

Rosie: Oh well, I hope Alastor is okay.

Odette: I think it would be best if you all leave. Now.

Zeezii: Again?? thiws happened wast time too >:<

Odette: Go.

Zestial: What a valorous throweth, Carmilla!

Zestial: I bethink that gent's hitteth the vee toweth'r

______________________________________________________________________________

Cannibal Besties

Rosie: Alastor, you should come over and relax. Want to eat a sinner with me?

Alastor: Rosie, now is not the time.

Rosie: Just text me when you want some free sinner parts!

Rosie: Or just come over since you don’t like being on the phone

Alastor: Thanks

______________________________________________________________________________

The bride and her ugly ass groom

Luci <3: My Beautiful Wife, My Universe, My Everything

Luci <3: Guess what?

(Read)

Luci <3: :(

Luci <3: I’ll tell you anyway

Luci <3: Charlie invited me over!!

Luci <3: Our Daughter! Wants to see me!!

Luci <3: Everything would be perfect if you were here with me <3 <3 <3 

(Read)

(Ten Minutes Later)

Luci <3: do you want me to kill myself

Chapter Text

The Happy Hotel!

Charlie M.: Niffty, are the cookies ready?

Niffty: No!! 

Charlie M.: Didn’t you start them hours ago?

Niffty: Don’t rush me, woman.

Charlie M.: Okay.

Charlie M.: Oh, right! I just remembered!

Charlie M. changed The Good Timer Ruiner’s name to My Angel!

My Angel: Why did you name me this

Charlie M.: Do you not like it? :< 

My Angel: No… It’s uhhhh okay. I like it… Just,,, wasn’t expecting it

My Angel: Especially because the Angels are our enemies…

Charlie M.: Not all angels are bad! Besides, in media, Angels are written to be THE embodiments of hope. That’s what you are to me, my hope :> 

My Angel: Okay.

Anthony: Can y’all not be gay in the main group chat

The Bar: i know you’re not talking

Anthony: I’m only gay in real life, not in the public group chat

Charlie M.: Oh golly gee, I think he’s here! Everyone, places!

______________________________________________________________________________

The Future of Hell.

Pimpin’: I npticed tho y wern’t the towr yeserday

#ThatBitch: And I noticed you’ve gained weight

#ThatBitch: So maybe you should focus on that gut of yours before you worry about my personal life

Pimpin’: can;t have shirt in this horse

______________________________________________________________________________

The Happy Hotel!

Niffty: Why are they having a singing battle 🙁

Sir Pentious: I don’t knowww, dearieee

Niffty: I had to be in a toilet

Sir Pentious: I’m ssssssorry Niffty

Anthony: Whose that?

The Bar: not this bitch

Niffty: That’s Mimzy!

Anthony: Who?

Mimzy: It’s me, Mimzy!!

The Bar: how did you get in here

Charlie M.: Okay, everybody! Alastor, Vaggie, and I are going to bring my father on a tour.

Charlie M.: Behave, please

The Bar: we’ll see

______________________________________________________________________________

Vox (And Assistant #401)

Vox: You Know

Vox: You remind me of Alastor

Vox: You guys look alike

Assistant #401: NO WE DON’T

Assistant #401: WE LOOK NOTHING ALIKE

Vox: The same red suit jacket

Assistant #401: I am getting a new one

Vox: You both have two colours in your hair

Assistant #401: I’m shaving my head

Vox: You both have tails

Assistant #401: Alastor has a tail?!

Assistant #401: How would you know that?

Vox: Oh, you know.

Assistant #401: I DON'T know

Assistant #401: AND I DON'T WANT TO KNOW

Vox: You two even smell the same

Assistant #401: WHAT

Vox: Anyway, go clean my bedroom, the bathrooms, the hallways, the sex dungeon with sixteen locks on the door, the stairs, the patio, and the living rooms. In the next ten minutes before I'll dock your pay again.

Assistant #401: I am going to commit suicide

Vox: Not on company time, you’re not

______________________________________________________________________________

The Happy Hotel!

Sir Pentious: THE HOTEL IS UNDER ATTACK!!

Sir Pentious: PREPARE THE ARESENARY

Anthony: Should we tell Charlie?

The Bar: we should just hand over mimzy

Mimzy: NO you shouldn’t hahahaha

Anthony: How are you here

Mimzy: Doesn’t matter hahaha

Mimzy: Besssides, Alastor’s dealing with it! Just like I thought

Sir Pentious: Is he being more violent than ussssssssssssual?

Niffty: This seems normal to me!

Lucifer: I hate all of you

Mimzy: Who invited you here?

The Bar: who invited you

Mimzy: touche

(Five seconds later)

Sir Pentious: They’re ssssssssssssssssssssssssssinging again

Niffty: Stop crying, it’s not very bad boy of you.

Anthony: Is this what having a good dad is like?

Chapter Text

The Happy Hotel!

Charlie M.: Great news, guys!

Charlie M.: Vaggie and I are going to go to heaven for the meeting!

My Angel: Did y’all need anything that I’ll need to stay behind for?

Anthony: No

Mimzy: no

The Bar: why are you still here

The Bar: also no

Niffty: No!! Bring back any bad boys back though >:)

Sir Pentious: We’ll be fine, Vagatha

My Angel: ok

Charlie M.: And remember, Cherri Bomb will be taking all of y’all out to a responsible night on the town

Charlie M.: Also, someone get Alastor to fix the wall!

Niffty: Where are we going?

______________________________________________________________________________

Exterminators (And Saint Peter) Part Two

Saint Peter: Chat

Saint Peter: Community

Saint Peter: And Adam

Saint Peter: Vaggie is back!!

Danger Tits: WHAT

(Danger Tits is typing…)

Saint Peter: And her girlfriend is the Morningstar’s daughter!!

D1ckmaster: EWW

D1ckmaster: Wait

D1ckmaster: Daddy would like to see that

Danger Tits: LOCK IN

Danger Tits: We need to kill her

Saint Peter: 100%

D1ckmaster: Wait, Wait 

D1ckmaster: The Big D has a plan

D1ckmaster: We corner Vagina, blackmail her to convince her stupid girlfriend to stop this bullshit, or we out her at the meeting

Saint Peter: Can I come

Danger Tits: Yeah, of course, gang

Vaggie: Why am I still in this group chat

(Danger Tits is typing…)

______________________________________________________________________________

Cherri Bomb made a group chat!

Cherri Bomb added Anthony and two other contacts!

Cherri Bomb gave Anthony admin permissions!

Cherri Bomb: Where should we go?

Anthony: Why are you texting while driving

Cherri Bomb: You clearly don’t understand the immense pleasure that I get when I drive under the influence while texting

Cherri Bomb: With both hands

Anthony: Okay

Husk: ok sure i guess this is how i am going to die

Husk: that sucks

Anthony: Why are you steering with your knees

Anthony: And why am I in the back?

Cherri Bomb: Cus’ Niffty’s here

Husk: who is screaming at the top of their lungs right now

Husk: can they stop

Anthony: WHAT DO YOU MEAN NIFFTY’S HERE????

Cherri Bomb: She’s pushing the pedals

Cherri Bomb: Duh

Anthony: What

Anthony: Why am I in the back then??? No one’s sitting there??

Husk: why are they screaming directions

Husk: also where is sir pentious

Anthony: Wait one sec

Anthony added Sir Pentious!

Sir Pentious: TURN LEFT

Sir Pentious: WHY AM I THE ONE WITH THE MAP

Husk: stop yelling right now

Sir Pentious: Apologies, my good sir. I didn’t mean to upset you and interrupt your drive.

Anthony: Where are you??

Sir Pentious: I’m on the roof

Anthony: Why?

Sir Pentious: Y’all told me to get up here and give directionssssssssssssssss

Sir Pentious: That’sssssssssss what I’ve been doing

Anthony: We don’t even know where we’re going

Sir Pentious: Yeah, I’ve kinda of been jusssssssssssssssssst

Sir Pentious: Sssssssscreaming directions for the passssssst hour

Cherri Bomb: Let’s just go to Club Consent

Husk: thats not a thing stop lying

Cherri Bomb: This guy’s an idiot

Husk: you can not be talking you just snorted a line of coke off of Niffty’s head

Cherri Bomb: Shut yo bitch ass up before I stop even attempting to stir this car

______________________________________________________________________________

Emily made a group chat!

Emily named the group chat Heaven Meeting!

Emily added 115 contacts to the group chat!

Emily: Hello, everyone! *Emily says smiling* I’ve made this group chat for the upcoming meeting!

St Peter: This group chat is never going to be brought up again, huh

Emily: Well, I hope that this could maybe be a 

Emily: Friendship-Truce Chat between Heaven and Hell!!!

Charlie M.: I’d like that!

Charlie M.: But I don’t think there is reception between the realms :( 

Emily: Oh no :(

Saint Peter: Why are you two the same person

Saint Peter: Also, that explains a lot

Emily: Explains what?

Saint Peter: Don’t worry about

Sera: Emily, I don’t think that was necessary

Emily: I don’t give a fuck

Sera: WHAT

Sera: Daughter of the Moringstar….

Charlie M.: What

Charlie M.: What’s wrong with what she said

Charlie M.: I didn’t tell her that

Sera: …

Sera: Sure.

Emily: Hey, Charlie!

Emily: Can you tell your girlfriend to shut off her notifications? They’ve been going off since she got here!

Charlie M.: Okay, I’ll tell her! I have to go to get her anyway

Adam: Yeah. You do that 

Saint Peter: :) 

______________________________________________________________________________

Sir Pentious: Cherri

Sir Pentious: Can I get you a drink 🥹

Cherri Bomb: Why?

Sir Pentious: Because

Cherri Bomb: K

Husk: riverting conversation over here

Anthony: Where’s NIFFTY????

Niffty: dr ink

Anthony: The Fuck

Cherri Bomb: She’s a grown woman, she’ll be fine

Cherri Bomb: You’re supposed to be relaxing

Anthony: Gang, she’s like a foot tall and ten pounds soaking wet

Anthony: I think she’ll die if she gets another shot

Cherri Bomb: I don’t think alcohol can kill you

Husk: i can say definitively that it can 

Sir Pentious: Can I get you another shot, Ms. Bomb?

Cherri Bomb: Why

Sir Pentious: 😔

Cherri Bomb: okay

______________________________________________________________________________

Sir Pentious: Can I have sexual intercourse with you

Cherri Bomb: No

Sir Pentious: Okay, I understand

______________________________________________________________________________

Exterminators (And Saint Peter) Part Two

D1ckmaster: Why are you on the floor

Saint Peter: I am not supposed to be here

Saint Peter: Do you know how difficult it was to convince one of your fatass relatives to cover for me

D1ckmaster: You fatphobic fuck

Saint Peter: only to you <3

D1ckmaster: “fatass relatives” is not fatphobic of you

Saint Peter: They are fat by association 

Danger Tits: I was also wondering when I saw Seth’s scrawny ass at the gates.

Danger Tits: We need to kill Vaggie now.

D1ckmaster: Damn, wait a goddamn minute

D1ckmaster: Ain’t she still in the group chat

Saint Peter: I think she’s still getting old messages from how much her phone has been buzzing

Saint Peter: It hasn’t stopped since she got here

Saint Peter: Oh, we’re singing now 

Saint Peter: I hate all the singing in this place is fucking prison

D1ckmaster: Is it because you sound like you’re having sex when you sing

Saint Peter: I’d be really offended if that wasn’t true

D1ckmaster: Oh yeah, you ate Lute with that comeback

Danger Tits: You did too, dude

Saint Peter: We can tell

D1ckmaster: I hate you so much

Saint Peter: Did your dumbass, with your big fat mouth, just expose the ONE secret you won’t supposed to tell anyone

D1ckmaster: We’ll recover

Saint Peter: NO YOU FUCKING WON’T

D1ckmaster: We’ll recover

Danger Tits: They’re goofy as hell

Danger Tits: LOL

Danger Tits:

Saint Peter: Sera’s gonna kill you guys

D1ckmaster: We’ll recover

______________________________________________________________________________

Sera: I am so ashamed of you two

Danger Tits: I apologize for acting out of turn in the meeting, but you must understand that she betrayed her own kind to help those hellspawn. We could’ve acted better, but we acted accordingly. I apologize once again.

Sera: You are not forgiven

Saint Peter: I know what they did was wrong, but this is all they’ve known. 

Sera: How do YOU even know about the extermination?

Danger Tits: We told him.

Sera: Why?

D1ckmaster: We’re the dynamic duo

Danger Tits: We’re the dynamic duo

Emily: There are three of you

D1ckmaster: The little details don’t matter

Danger Tits: How do you not know lol The group chat was called the Externimators (and Saint Peter)

Emily: I thought you were a band

Saint Peter: With 1,001 people?

Emily: Yes?? Y’all were the protectors? Why wouldn’t you have a band?

Saint Peter: I’m not a protector of heaven, I just man the gates

Emily: I thought you were the manager??

D1ckmaster: Someone’s not in the know

Emily: I AM GOING TO KILL YOU

Danger Tits: Emily, you can’t say that

Emily: I know you’re not talking like you don’t have the ugliest haircut.

Emily: What made you think a clean shave in the back was a good idea

Emily: Shit blinds people

Emily: And you already do that with your pasty ass complexion

Danger Tits: wow

D1ckmaster: Don’t speak like to my lieutenant like that

D1ckmaster: You easy to draw, no personality having ass bitch

Sera: Stop this instance, before I make you

Sera: And Emily, stop sinking to their level

Emily: I guess

Emily: One of us needs to be better than them, and that clearly isn't you

D1ckmaster: OhhHHHHhh I’m so scared

Danger Tits: Shiver me timbers

Saint Peter: You will not catch me. Have fun trying

Sera: If that’s what you’d like to think

D1ckmaster: You ain’t gonna catch Mr. Moan

Saint Peter: Thank you, Adam

Chapter Text

The Happy Hotel!

Anthony: Can we pretend airplanes are in the night sky

Niffty: Are like shooting stars

Anthony: I could really use a wish right now

Niffty: Wish right now!!!!!!!!!!1!!

Sir Pentious: Why did Charlie and Alasssssstor leaveeee???

Vaggie: Don’t worry about it. She’s going to go get reinforcements 

The Bar: what do you mean by reinforcement

Vaggie: “re·in·force·ment

/ˌrēənˈfôrsm(ə)nt/

noun

The action or process of reinforcing or strengthening.

"Older electricity mains required reinforcement to meet increased demand.””

The Bar: i meant why you idiot

Vaggie: Angels are attacking the hotel first, and we have to get ready for it

Sir Pentious: Whyyy are you ssssspeaking French

Vaggie: I am going to Carmilla to find out how to kill the angels

Vaggie: You all can leave if you like; no one will blame you.

The Bar: k

Anthony: We’re leaving, right?

______________________________________________________________________________

Rosie: Alastor, dear, do you REALLY think she’ll be able to convince the whole town?

Alastor: Not at all, dear! I’m just trying to convince her I’m on her side

Rosie: Oh, thank goodness, because she’s quite bad at this

Alastor: I am aware

Rosie: She seems to be struggling with something. I’ll speak with her and talk it over

(Two hours later)

Alastor: Oh my god, what are you two talking about that takes this long

Alastor: I could keep them out here for another five hours, but still, what are y’all doing

Alastor: Susan will not stop Diddle-daddling

(An hour later)

Alastor: Rosie, I am going to kill Susan

(Five hours later)

Alastor: I am going to kill myself

Rosie: We are done.

Alastor: Wow, it only took a whole seven years

Rosie: At least you weren’t in there

Rosie: To be respectful to the girl, I had to learn her entire backstory.

Rosie: She just won’t stop, respectfully

Alastor: As the kids say, Womp Womp

Rosie: Maybe you should’ve killed yourself

Alastor: You don’t mean it <#

Rosie: You did it wrong

Rosie: <3

______________________________________________________________________________

111-333-4444: Let me in

Carmilla: Who is this?

111-333-4444: LET ME IN, CARMILLA CARMINE

Carmilla: Calm down

111-333-4444: I know what you did last extermination day

Carmilla: Excuse me?

111-333-4444: Let me the fuck in

Carmilla: Fine.

______________________________________________________________________________

The Happy Hotel!

Anthony: Why didn’t we just leave?

Sir Pentious: Becausssse they’re nice?

The Bar: i feel like we couldve left and come back after it was all said and done

Sir Pentious: Well, you could leave, ssssssssssssssssir

The Bar: ill consider it

Niffty: I have done it

Sir Pentious: You have finissssssssshed barricading the windowsssssss?

Niffty: No.

Niffty: I have defeated the insects’ colony

Niffty: We will fear no longer

Sir Pentious: Okay

Sir Pentious: Can you do what I assssked?

Niffty: Oh yeah sure

Sir Pentious: Great!

Anthony: What happened to Vagina???

Vaggie: Carmilla beat the shit out of me

Vaggie: She was mumbling about

Vaggie: Something about her daughter? I don’t know

Sir Pentious: Why do you have wingssss

Niffty: I read that as winx

Vaggie: Yeah, I got those, but I mostly got beat up

Sir Pentious: I love Winx Club

Niffty: OMG ME TOO

Sir Pentious: I’ve been a member since 1888

The Bar: did you find out how to kill angels

Vaggie: Yeah, its with angelic weaponry

The Bar: are you fucking serious

Vaggie: yea

Charlie: Guess whose back

Charlie: Back Again

Vaggie: Charlie…

Charlie: Don’t worry, Vaggie!

Charlie: Everything’s fine now! :D 

Charlie: By the way, we are going live with the entirety of cannibal town for the next month in preparation 

Charlie: For the war

The Bar: i should’ve left

Alastor: This is going to be humorous!

Chapter Text

Clara: Vel

Velvette: Yes, Gorgeous?

Clara: Are you still up for Friday?

Velvette: Of course, Honey

Clara: We need to be more slick this time. My mom almost went and killed you when she heard about our date

Velvette: I’d like to see her try LOL

Clara: I’d rather not see you get murdered

Velvette: You’d never let her do that <3

______________________________________________________________________________

Exterminators (And Saint Peter) Part Two

Danger Tits: Are we still doing it?

D1ckmaster: Duh, we do it every year

Danger Tits: I know. But Seraphim has been on our ass for a month now, do you think we’ll get away with it?

D1ckmaster: We’ve gotten away with it for years. We’ll recover.

Saint Peter: For the love of god, stop saying that

D1ckmaster: Saint Peter, you got the stuff?

Saint Peter: Duh, you fucking idiot, I’ve had this stuff for 1964 years

Danger Tits: Whose house are we going to this time?

D1ckmaster: Which ones closest to the KFC??

Danger Tits: Yours?

Saint Peter: I DON’T WANT TO GO TO HIS HOUSE AGAIN

Saint Peter: It smells like ass

Danger Tits: I second that

D1ckmaster: My house isn’t the cleanest, but I know it ain’t that bad

D1ckmaster: Plus, we’ll be in the basement the entire time

Saint Peter: NOT AGAIN

Danger Tits: What do you mean, not again?

Saint Peter: Idk

Saint Peter: I’m just saying shit

Danger Tits: I got the snacks

D1ckmaster: yipee

Saint Peter: Never say that shit again

Saint Peter: This is why I make fun of you

D1ckmaster: Can’t be filled with whimsy anymore

D1ckmaster: Cause of woke

Saint Peter: Shut your bitch ass

Danger Tits: Cause of woke.

______________________________________________________________________________

The Happy Hotel!

Charlie: Is everyone ready?

Anthony: No

The Bar: no

Charlie: Neither am I

Niffty: We’re all going to die!!

Vaggie: Great to know that morale is so high

Alastor: Oh geez whicklers I can’t wait to commit some murder

The-Best-Vee: I can’t wait for your ass to get beat

The-Best-Vee: Jumping for joy right now

Alastor: I can’t wait to murder you and eat your corpse

The-Best-Vee: Don’t you flirt with me

Alastor: ??????????????????????????????????????????

Charlie: It’ll be fine (probably). We’ll defeat those angels (prolly not)

Vaggie: I am tired

FUCKING-Bitch: Remember when y’all dropped the deats that Carmilla killed the angel in this group chat? I do.

The Bar: shutta up

Anthony: No one says deats

FUCKING-Bitch: Can’t have shit in this house

Vox’s Boyfriend: Can’t have shirt in this horse

Anthony: KILL YOURSELF RIGHT NOW

The Bar: why is someone smacking their lips loudly while eating something

Sir Pentious: Sorry, that’s me

Sir Pentious: I’m having a really good bagel

The Bar: an inch away from my ear

Sir Pentious: Sorry about that

Vaggie: We're going to die

Vaggie: I hope the Vees are next

The-Best-Vee: WOW, Vagina thinks WE’re gonna die

FUCKING-Bitch: We would be next, to be fair

The-Best-Vee: Shut up

______________________________________________________________________________

Exterminators (And Saint Peter) Part Two

Danger Tits: Why is Vaggie here

Saint Peter: The world is so silent, the visuals are so loud

D1ckmaster: What the fuck does that mean

Danger Tits: I keep hearing her, she’s so close

Danger Tits: WHY IS SHE HERE KILL HER KILL HER KILL HER KILL HER KILL HER KILL HER KILL HER KILL HER KILL HER KILL HER KILL HER KILL HER KILL HER KILL HER KILL HER KILL HER KILL HER KILL HER KILL HER KILL HER KILL HER

D1ckmaster: Kill her yourself

Danger Tits: I can’t find her SHE’S IN MY SKULL

Saint Peter: That sucks, lil bro

Saint Peter: That sucks, lil bro

D1ckmaster: Stick your finger in your eye, you might get her

Danger Tits: So True!

D1ckmaster: You got her yet

Danger Tits: No

Saint Peter: Oh my god, why is there a turtle on the ceiling 

D1ckmaster: WHAT

Danger Tits: Don’t use the lord’s name in vain

Saint Peter: SHUT UP

Saint Peter: The Turtle is looking at me

Danger Tits: I think it wants you

D1ckmaster: In what way

Saint Peter: I gots to go

D1ckmaster: Guys

D1ckmaster: We should go to IHOP

Danger Tits: It’s open?

D1ckmaster: It’s heaven, it’s open when I say it's open

Danger Tits: Do you think Vaggie will follow us there

D1ckmaster: Nah, she’s allergic to good food

Danger Tits: So True

Saint Peter: Guys, the turtle’s trying to touch me

Danger Tits: tragic

______________________________________________________________________________

The Angels (And Saint Peter)

Seraphim: Adam, why are you dragging Lute by the back of her shirt, while Saint Peter is on top of her

D1ckmaster: Pancake

Seraphim: Oh dear, not again

Emily: Are they high again

D1ckmaster: No, we’re not

D1ckmaster: We haven’t gotten high since the time you caught us

Emily: Ok

Seraphim: Then why are you dragging Lute while she yells about Vaggie being in her head while Saint Peter is on top of her (while pointing at something in terror)

D1ckmaster: Ohh she uhh

D1ckmaster: She’s gay. Really Bad levels of gay. Specifically about Vaggie. She’s uhh

D1ckmaster: She’s having a PTSD moment about her, I guess

Seraphim: And Saint Peter?

D1ckmaster: He’s working as a weighted blanket, I guess

Emily: I think if you said nothing, it would be more convincing. 

D1ckmaster: Shut up

Emily: Kys?

Seraphim: EMILY! Don’t say such things

Emily: They’re literally high, and you’re yelling at me

D1ckmaster: WE” RE NOT HIGH!!1!!!

Saint Peter: The man with the hat is trying to get me

Danger Tits: Oh, I see him all the time when I take Bendrayl

Saint Peter: No, this is different

Saint Peter: This is NOT the Hat Man I know and love

Emily: Okay

Emily: Are you on another drug

D1ckmaster: 

D1ckmaster: No

Danger Tits: The Vaggie in my head is telling me to do things

Emily: What things

Danger Tits: Sapphic things

Emily: Kay

Seraphim: Are you three on the magic mush?

Emily: huh

Emily: You mean Mushrooms?

D1ckmaster:

D1ckmaster: 

D1ckmaster: No

Emily: So subtle

Saint Peter: He’s going to fucking get me!!1!!

Seraphim: Language!

Danger Tits: Someone get Saint Peter and Vaggie to shut the fuck

Danger Tits: Up, they’re both screaming

Emily: I hope they scream louder lol

Seraphim: What are you all even trying to accomplish

D1ckmaster: Pancake

D1ckmaster: We’re going to pancake

Seraphim: Emily, please go look after them

Emily: No <3

Danger Tits: IHOP

Danger Tits: We’re going to IHOP

Saint Peter: HE

Saint Peter: IS GOING TO KILL ME

Seraphim: I’ve seen enough of this. We can not have you three running around, making the protectors of Heaven look like a bunch of idiotic clowns

D1ckmaster: PUT ME DOWN

Seraphim: I’m not holding you?

Saint Peter: Gang, you’re a tree now

D1ckmaster: Omg I am? I’ve always wanted to be one

Emily: Your shirt is stuck on a tree

D1ckmaster: So I’m not a tree :< 

Danger Tits: You can be a tree if you want to

Danger Tits: Way to runi his dreams, Emily

Saint Peter: I think I just saw someone

Emily: The Hat Man isn’t real

Saint Peter: No. It wasn’t that

Saint Peter: Their was a man who looked like Adam. But WAY less ugly in every way/ Also he was wearing a smilar outfit butt in a but ina but in a different colour He WAS way better looking by the wya

Saint Peter: Adam, do you have a better-looking clone

D1ckmaster: Erm, actually, I am peak male physique 

Saint Peter: Don’t lie now

Danger Tits: Are we there yet

D1ckmaster: NO, this STUPID HARLOT Selkie is blocking our way

Danger Tits: I HATE SELKIES

Saint Peter: i’m scared

Saint Peter: I want to urn

Danger Tits: Then do bro

Seraphim: What is “Urn”?

Seraphim: Why is Saint Peter Flying Around in a circle

D1ckmaster: Run Be free dude

Saint Peter: Okay

Seraphim: Why would you tell him to do that?

Emily: Are they alright?

Seraphim: Why is he so fast??

D1ckmaster: You won’t catch Mister Moan

Seraphim: When you said he was fast, I didn't think this fast

Seraphim: I think I got him

D1ckmaster: HOW

Seraphim: He took a nap, I suppose. He just stopped mid-run

D1ckmaster: He’s biggest weakness; nap time.

Danger Tits: That’s our biggest weakness

D1ckmaster: We have arrived

Danger Tits: WE AHVE?

Danger Tits: Yippers

Danger Tits: I want poutine

D1ckmaster: They don’t serve that here

Danger Tits: Why did we come then

D1ckmaster: Pancake

Danger Tits: So True

D1ckmaster: Pancake

Danger Tits: I want chocojugbh9obnhui0o drxncj 

D1ckmaster: Delicious choice

D1ckmaster: Moan what you want

Emily: I think she fell asleep while texting

Seraphim: He keeps murmuring pancake in his sleep

D1ckmaster: He must want pan

Emily: I suppose

D1ckmaster: I think he want pan 

D1ckmaster: I am gettign tried 

Emily: Are you finally falling asleep

D1ckmaster: NoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooookDfijonjkfwven m

Emily: He crashed

Seraphim: Finally

D1ckmaster: I haven’t jvnwfjeifj

Emily: For real this time

Chapter Text

Exterminators (And Saint Peter) Part Two

D1ckmaster: Are y’all ladies ready to go??

Danger Tits: I can’t wait to rip out her other eye and put in my memorial

Danger Tits: I mean, my wall

D1ckmaster: That’s great, sweetie

Saint Peter: Guys, start painting crosses on the wall with your blood

D1ckmaster: I no-no wanna

Saint Peter: Damn

Saint Peter: I’m not allowed to be down there, can we be on call

D1ckmaster: Of course, lil bro

Danger Tits: I’ll start it because I don’t breathe like a possum in heat when on call like Adam

D1ckmaster: Fuck you??

Saint Peter: Great!

______________________________________________________________________________

D1ckmaster: ATTACK!

Danger Tits: I found her

Saint Peter: What's going on

Saint Peter: I can’t hear y’all in the call

Saint Peter: What's going on??

(Message failed to receive!)

(Message failed to send!)

Saint Peter: Hello??

(Message failed to receive!)

(Message failed to send!)

Saint Peter: Guys??

(Message failed to receive!)

Saint Peter: GUYS??

______________________________________________________________________________

The Happy Hotel!

Charlie: DEFEND!

Niffty: I can’t wait to stab some angels!! 🥵

The Bar: cant wait to meet my end

Anthony: It was nice knowing all of you

Sir Pentious: We shall fight valiantly

Vaggie: Stop texting while we’re fighting??

Anthony: No <3

Valentino: if yu hey hurt you cum jome to meat

Fucking-Bitch: Sybau

Valentino: stop speaking witch to me whore

Vox: Please get violently fucked, Alastor

Alastor: I don’t think I will!

Charlie: Please stop texting!

______________________________________________________________________________

The Future of Hell

The-BEST-Vee: My cock is so hard right now

#ThatBitch: No one cares

Pimpin’: I care

#ThatBitch: Of course you would

#ThatBitch: Damn, I can’t believe that Alastor really thinks he stands a chance against the first man

The-Best-Vee: Imma bust everywhere

#ThatBitch: get away? From me??

Pimpin’: and cum closer to me ;) zookie booozes

#ThatBitch: He’s doing decently well for an ugly, unlikeable, uncharismatic, unenjoyable, annoying, unbearable, unattractive, unappealing, disgusting, filthy, unclean, prudish, unhygienic, waste of life bitch whose worth in life amounts to a piece of shit on the sidewalk

Pimpin’: I like the coulor purple

#ThatBitch: Purple would look shitty on you like every other colour, you moronic tosser

Pimpin’: wjp sjot om your cereal today

Pimpin’: wiat 

Pimpin’: are you on your period 

#ThatBitch: Kill yourself

The-Best-Vee: I am going to bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuusuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuussssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt (send by speech to text)

#ThatBitch: I fucking hate you so much

#ThatBitch: I can’t describe how much hate you both inspire in me. Every day, I wish the world had erased your existences so I never have to be burdened with your grating, worthless, idiotic, moronic asses

Pimpin’: Damn he really running away??

#ThatBitch: He ran away the moment he got cut

The-Best-Vee: NO GET BACK HERE AND GET FUCKED (by me??)

#ThatBitch: Wait a sec

#ThatBitch: YURIREKA

Pimpin’: / 

#ThatBitch: I have figured out Alastor

The-Best-Vee: TELL ME NOW

#ThatBitch: No

#ThatBitch: I need to get this peer reviewed

The-Best-Vee: You should peer review with ME

#ThatBitch: No

______________________________________________________________________________

The Happy Hotel!

Anthony: I think Alastor just died 

The Bar: ive never been happier

Charlie: This is not the time to be happy about his death!

The Bar: im very happy right now

Vaggie: Stop texting now

Charlie: Oh, right

Sir Pentious: Defend the perimeter 

Sir Pentious: With the new threat established, we must keep our defences high until we can analyze effectively 

Anthony: How did you know to do that??

Sir Pentious: I’ve fought in many wars, out and in hell

Sir Pentious: They are using the Blitzkrieg strategy, thus we must keep our defences high and must continue creating new lines of defence in order

Sir Pentious: Sorry, I accidentally sent too early

Anthony: Okay, can you shut up now

Sir Pentious: No

Sir Pentious: We need something big to distract him, so we can have a chance to win

Anthony: What?

______________________________________________________________________________

The Bar: hes dead

Charlie: NO

Vaggie: We can retreat into our defences until we can regroup

Charlie: No

Charlie: The group on the outside, keep attacking. Watch each other's backs. Vaggie and I will start a direct attack on Adam and his lieutenant.

Vaggie: Aye aye

Anthony: We’re so going to die

______________________________________________________________________________

You’re gay, and I’m not. 

Danger Tits: I will enjoy your last moments.

Danger Tits: And I will miss you

Danger Tits: But I will mount your mutilated flesh as a trophy for your depiction and betrayal of the cause

Danger Tits: Damn that was lowkey tuff

Danger Tits archived the group chat!

______________________________________________________________________________

The MoringStars

Charlie: Dad, kindly get over here.

Lucifer: Give me a minute, I’m changing my outfit

Charlie: Damn

(Six hours later)

Lucifer: I’ll be there in a minute, honey!

______________________________________________________________________________

Exterminators (And Saint Peter) Part Two

Saint Peter: WHAT’S GOING ON??

Saint Peter: HELLO?

 Saint Peter: Is everything alright???

(Message failed to receive!)

Saint Peter: hello

______________________________________________________________________________

The Happy Hotel! 

Niffty: Stab Stab Stab >:)))

Charlie: Dearie me

Lucifer: I like raisin pancakes, but I’m up to make anything

Anthony: Chocolate chip

Lucifer: That was Lil’s favourite 

The Bar: stop crying

Niffty: Stab Stab Stab Stab Stab Stab 

Charlie: Pentious is gone

Charlie: And he’s never coming back

Alastor: Shut your goofy ass up

The Bar: NOOOOO

______________________________________________________________________________

Exterminators (And Saint Peter) Part Two

Saint Peter: IT’S BEEN THREE HOURS SINCE THE EXTERMINATION ENDED. WHERE ARE YOU GUYS

Saint Peter: WHAT HAPPENED

(No one responds.)

Saint Peter: Oh

Saint Peter: Shit

Chapter Text

The Overlords Of Hell.

Carmilla Carmine: The extermination is officially over. 

Fire-skull-deer-fellow: F zxk'q ybifbsb qexq zexoifb afa pljbqefkd rpbcri clo lkzb fk ebo ifcb. Qefp fp pelzhfkd.

Vox: Guys, did you see my EPIC VoxTube video about Cringefail Alastor moments??!?

Alastor: Were you unloved as a child?

Vox: Your dad left you

Alastor: At least he didn’t kill himself like your dad

Vox: Your mom doesn’t love you

Alastor: Your mom sold you for a pack of fags

Vox: Why are you British

Fire-skull-deer-fellow: Tel txqzebp sluqryb? mlokery fp tebob fqp xq

Zeezi: whawt awe uwu tawking abouwt

Fire-skull-deer-fellow: Texq? fq'p jv jxfk kbtp plrozb

Alastor: I was talking about actual fags, but okay

Zeezi: Youw bwitish fwiend iws contaminating uwu. Uwu'we going tuwu be tuwned soon.

Valentino: o doom’t wat to ne nrotosj 

Carmilla Carmine: Excuse me?

Zestial: Our deeply like a toad, ugly and venomous cousin seemeth to beest trying to communicateth yond that gent doest not wanteth to beest british

Carmilla Carmine: Thank you

Valentino: wua6 uje sau7 I ciulnd’t understand 

Zestial: If 't be true thee und'rstand not anon, thee nev'r shall

Valentino: ??///

Valentino: who are toy talking about? 

______________________________________________________________________________

The Seraphims

Sera: I can’t believe it was possible

Sera: All the death that… I caused 

Emily: I know, Sera

Sera: If only I had known before

Sera: Or if I just had faith

Emily: I know

Emily: But this is a learning opportunity!

Emily: Charlie was right, sinners can be redeemed! Sir Pentious is living proof!

Sera: We don’t know if he truly was redeemed. This could be a trick from hell for us to lower our guard.

Sera: We need more details before we make a choice

Emily: Sybau Sera

______________________________________________________________________________

The Angels (And Saint Peter)

Sera: Everyone

Sera: We’re all aware of Adam’s recent death.

Saint Peter: Don’t remind me

Saint Peter: I’m still in mourning

Sera: I’m aware, we all are

Emily: Respectfully, I’m not. He was not the best.

Danger Tits: Go fuck yourself

Emily: I get that this is a tough time; it is for everyone. But, on the bright side, at least you’re actually the dynamic duo now.

Saint Peter: WE’RE THE DYNAMIC TRIO NOW YOU STUPID FUCKING BITCH

Sera: Language.

Saint Peter: Kill yourself

Sera: I didn’t know you and Adam were this close

Saint Peter: I hate him so much

Danger Tits: Oh fuck you dude, you made him cry

Sera: I apologize 

Emily: Are we still going to add him?

Sera: Oh, right. Despite our recent loss, I do have an announcement.

Sera: We're going to add Adam’s son, Abel, to this group chat.

Danger Tits: YOU REALLY THINK YOU CAN FUCKING REPLACE HIM JUST LIKE THAT YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE HE JUST DIED TWO DAYS AGO I LOST AN ARM WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU I HATE YOU HATE HATE

Sera: …I’ll explain another day, when you are in a better state of mind

Sera added Abel to the group chat!

Abel: Hello! I’m Abel (as you all might know!)

Soldier 289: Hello there!

Danger Tits removed Soldier 289 from the group chat!

Danger Tits: I CAN’T FUCKING BELIEVE THAT NOBODY HAS SPOKEN IN THIS GROUP CHAT OTHER THAN US FOR YEARS BUT THE FUCKING MOMENT THIS FAT FUCK GETS ADDED IT’S IMMEDIATELY TALKING TIME

Abel: Oh, I’m sorry

Saint Peter: It’s not your fault

Saint Peter: We’re having a hard time accepting that the third member of our Dynamic Duo is dead

Abel: Uhh, yeah, I get that. My dad is the one who died, so I understand.

Danger Tits: YOU DON’T FUCKING UNDERSTAND YOUR DAD DIDN’T EVEN LOVE YOU AT ALL YOU’LL NEVER UNDERSTAND I FUCKING HATE YOU DIE FOREVER

Abel: Oh, okay!

Abel: Oh, by the way, are you alright, Saint Peter?

Saint Peter: Not at all

Abel: I meant like, a couple of days ago, I saw you and you seemed really scared? Are you alright?

Saint Peter:  Oh yeah, it’s fine. I’m fine. Don’t worry about it

Abel: Okay?

Emily: He was on drugs

Abel: Oh, that makes sense

______________________________________________________________________________

The Happy Hotel!

Anthony renamed The Happy Hotel! to The Hazbin Hotel (containmated)!

Valentino: whyd id toy goup cjay na,eit that? Also we should make a new deal angie I love you I miss you everyone misses you ay the studio 

Anthony: Shut the fuck up

______________________________________________________________________________

Charlie made a new group chat!

Charlie named the group chat The Hazbin Hotel!

Charlie added seven people to the group chat!

Charlie: Welcome back!

Charlie: I hope you all like the new group chat!

Lucifer: It’s amazing, sweetie!

Niffty: It’s the bad boy >:>

Lucifer: Who?

Husk: is lucifer staying full time

Lucifer: Yes! Or I’ll try!

Lucifer: If you sinners get too annoying, I’ll leave

Cherri Bomb: If it ain’t the big bitch of hell

Lucifer: Ew

Alastor: Did you just look in the mirror?

Lucifer: You can not be saying that with that haircut of yours

Charlie: I’m glad you’re all here

Vaggie: Honey? I think we need groceries

Charlie: Oh, right! Can anyone go shopping for us?

(Four minutes later)

Charlie: Dad, can you go?

Lucifer: I don’t even need to eat, why would I do that

Charlie: Because the rest of us do? Please?

Lucifer: UGH, fine

Anthony: Didn’t you make pancakes just the other day?

Lucifer: Just because I don’t need to eat doesn’t mean I don’t eat in general

Lucifer: Okay, does anyone want to come with

Alastor: Husk would LOVE to

Husk: what the fuck

Husk: you know what sure

Cherri Bomb: I’ll drive

Husk: not again

Lucifer: ?

______________________________________________________________________________

Velvette: Sweetheart, I have a hypothesis that I have to run by you

Clara: Yes?

Velvette: So, let's say hypothetically someone gets hit in the chest, and they’re first response is to hold their chest and then run away? Not because they’re scared about the fact that they’re hurt or that they are going to die. What other reason would there be for them to run away?

Clara: I don’t know

Clara: Even if they weren’t afraid of death, it’d still be a good idea for a tactical escape?

Velvette: That’s what you’d think, but…

Clara: I love the drama

Velvette: I am going to get to the bottom of this

Clara: Tell me how it goes, Vels

______________________________________________________________________________

Lucifer: What do we need to get?

Charlie: Apples, sugar, spices, pancake mix, flour, bread, milk, orange juice (Niffty loves that shit), potatoes, pork, lettuce, paper towels, Newman’s Own, every missing poster in town, Caseoh, diet pepper (not Dr pepper), and ten books of feminist literature.

Charlie: Does anyone else want anything?

Anthony: Used tampons and a glass of pee. Please don’t ask

Cherri Bomb: Aye aye, captain

Anthony: Oh, and lesbian porn

Cherri Bomb: Hey, what the fuck, Angie

______________________________________________________________________________

Lucifer: Hey, kid, have you got the glass of piss

Husk: no i thought cherri was getting it

Cherri Bomb: I am currently driving under the influence, actually

Lucifer: Well, go and get it

Cherri Bomb: How about YOU go and get it if you’re so high and mighty

Lucifer: Well, you see, it’s quite simple; I don’t want to. And besides, you sinners are practically swimming in piss and shit all the time, so it shouldn’t matter to you at all!

Husk: excuse me

Lucifer: Before the revolutionary era, (a.k.a before this city was built, in case you two clowns couldn’t tell) there was nothing but a bunch of people who hated each other shitting and killing. They also didn’t realize that they didn’t need to eat, because they still felt hungry. So, because they had nothing to eat, they started to eat each other! That’s why there were no exterminations in the early years of hell, because they’d just eat each other again and again and again and again.

Lucifer: Anyway then my beautiful, handsome, breathtaking, gorgeous, attractive, charming, heavenly, magnificent, divine, alluring, lovely, delightful, appealing, winsome, ravishing, glamorous, irresistible, bewitching, beguiling, graceful, exquisite, aesthetic, hot, sexy, tasty, divine, dazzling, fascinating, good looking, ethereal wife decide to give you filthy heathens a chance to grow, causing for hell’s society to be born. 

Lucifer: Anyway, has anyone got the apples

Husk: hey what the fuck

Lucifer: Did you find them

Husk: no

Lucifer: Okay, all we need to find now is the apples and piss

Lucifer: Husk?

Husk: what do i need to get it

Lucifer: I believe that Cherri is preoccupied

Cherri Bomb: I am gaining such immense joy from this

Lucifer: I’m sure you are

Husk: can’t you pull apples out of your ass or something

Lucifer: No

______________________________________________________________________________

Niffty: The piss has been secured 

Lucifer: Well, that’s convenient

Cherri Bomb: I have gotten the Phlorizin

Husk: but have you gotten the apples

Cherri Bomb: uhhh

Cherri Bomb: No

Charlie: Did you get the paper towels

Lucifer: Dammit

Chapter Text

Vox (And Assistant #401)

Vox: YOU’RE NAME IS ETHAN???

Assistant #401: Who told you my deepest darkest secret

Assistant #401: Sir, if you don’t answer me this instance, I will blow this building up and feed your corpse to your mother

Vox: YOU’RE NAME IS ETHAN!??!?!?

Assistant #401: Si,r tell me right fucking now before I skin you alive and leave your flayed corpse strung outside the front entrance 

Vox: Ethan…

Vox: I thought your name would be something cool like Vox Jr, or Alastor Jr, or our secret love child, or that stupid name Velvette keeps calling you

Assistant #401: You can call me any of those. Just tell me where you heard it from

Vox: I got to tell the group chat

Assistant #401: I have nuclear launch codes

______________________________________________________________________________

The Future of Hell

Vox: HIS NAME IS ETHAN

Velvette: Who are you talking about?

Vox: MY STUPID FUCKING ASSISTANT

Velvette: Which one?

Vox: THAT PEPPERMINT FUCK, THE ONE THAT'S STILL ALIVE

Velvette: Did you not know he had a name

Velvette: Also, I thought you would’ve killed him by now

Vox: I KNOW HE HAD A NAME, BUT I THOUGHT HE’D HAVE A COOLER NAME

Velvette: Don’t you own his soul? Just rename him

Valentino: us a nussuke cinubg fiadzz fgs tower, 

Velvette: Is your head just for show

Vox: What should I change his name to

Vox: I think it should be Vastor

Velvette: Did you just put Alastor and your name into a ship generator? You uncreative fuck

Vox: 

Vox: Maybe

Valentino: someone sjust walked past my stiodi with skinner knife and pressinfg some nbuttons ona weird calculator 

Velvette: Did they play basketball with your fatass head as the ball when you were a baby

Valentino: thTS SO DUKCIN MEAN OF YOU YOU FUCKING BETICH WHY IKS EBERYONE WMEAN TO ME

Velvette: Because you’re a disgusting waste of space

Vox: Why do I hear boss music

Velvette: God, I didn’t know I time-travelled to 2010

______________________________________________________________________________

The Dynamic Duo

Lute: I don’t think we’ve used this group chat in 1396 years

Mister Moan: Yeah…

Lute changed the name to The Dynamic Trio.

Lute: I miss him

Lute: So goddamn much

Lute: I should’ve been faster

Mister Moan: It’s not your fault

Mister Moan: It was those demons who did

Mister Moan: Adam… The FAT ass used to have such a BIG presence

Mister Moan: Heaven feels so empty now

Lute: By now, he would’ve mentioned how he wanted Taco Bell

Mister Moan: I could go for some Taco Bell right now

Lute: It wouldn’t be the same

Mister Moan: It wouldn’t…

Mister Moan: You lost your arm, right?

Lute: Why are you bringing this up\

Mister Moan: Remember a couple of hundred years ago, like, 837 years ago, when Adam had to rush me to the hospital? That’s because I offered Adam a whole chicken, and instead of taking it from my hand, he just launched forward and ate the chicken, my hand, and most of my forearm

Lute: Omg we’re twinning!!

Mister Moan: So true

______________________________________________________________________________

The Hazbin Hotel (Contaminated)

Valentino: there’s tjhese uglt dihisyiing roach liek person walking throgh town wtf be on thrb lookaout

Valentino: je leeps tyruomg tp ebay amd ebveruto,e bne does e kisy pukes wtf is up wotj tjos giy

Valentino: I am going to offer jim a job

Velvette: What the fuck were you even trying to say before in that message

Valentino: ew bug man, try eat. Pike cry. give jon 

Velvette: I feel like you're getting stupider by the second

Anthony: Bro, no one cares

Anthony: Also, get ready

Valentino: are you coming hime

Valentino: rht str upi yjtpeomg ys,[pmd at e,

Velvette: Excuse me, what the fuck were you even trying to say

Vox: Erm, he was saying, and I quote, “Why are you throwing used tampons at me?”

Valentino: 8kk45sen-9wwn

Vox: I quote again, “Yummers, piss.”

Velvette: KILL YOURSELF

Charlie: Do you all want to play board games

Charlie: Fuck, wrong chat

Vox: Oh, we would love to : )

Vox: I need something to get my mind off… recent troubling news

Alastor: Did you remember your childhood again

Vox: My beloved pookie bear… I am going to strangle you in front of your mother

Charlie: I… Guess? You guys can join

Alastor: NOT AGAIN

Valentino: we should play syrop poker

Charlie: You’re not invited 

Valentino: can;t have shiry inm this horse 

Anthony: Thank you, Charlie

Velvette: I suppose I have time now that my show’s ended

Mimzy: Can I come?

Vaggie: Are you interested in redemption?

Mimzy: I’m interested in drinking games

Vaggie: Then no.

Charlie: What game should we play?

Charlie: I have Clue, Monopoly, New Phone (who dis?), The War, Guess Who, and some others!

Velvette: BOO BORING

Vox: We should play Twisters

Velvette: Of course you’d say that

Charlie: I don’t know what Twisters is, but sure!

Alastor: Don’t fall for it. I did once…

(Alastor does not elaborate)

Chapter Text

The Hazbin Hotel (Contaminated)

Vox: We’re here. Let me in, Alastor

Velvette: This place is much better than the shit hole you people had before

Lucifer: Yeah, I made this place better

Velvette: What the fuck

Charlie: The door’s unlocked! You can come in!!

Vox: Perfect

Velvette: The inside is alright. Could be better, more concise. 

Lucifer: That’s an opinion you can have. It’s wrong though <3

Vaggie: Be on your best behaviour, or else.

Velvette: I’m shivering in my lulumelon dress right now, SoOOoo scared

Niffty: Are you a bad boy

Niffty: Alastor, is he?

Alastor: No.

Vox: And where are you, Alastor?

Alastor: Won’t you like to know, gay boy

Vox: I can feel your breath in the walls 

Alastor: WHAT

The Bar: why is this happening

Charlie: Because it’s a bonding experience!!

The Bar: k

Anthony: This is stupid and isn’t going to end well

Charlie: …

Charlie: We’ll see!

Vox: I found you

Charlie: Please refrain from punching holes in my walls

Charlie: And please drop Alastor

______________________________________________________________________________

Charlie: What game should we start with?

Lucifer: We should play Kill Doctor Lucky

Charlie: We don’t have that game, Dad :( 

Lucifer: Ah, shucks

Velvette: Y’all are a bunch of boring bitches

Velvette: How about Truth Or Dare?

Anthony: You call them boring and then immediately suggest Truth or Dare

Velvette: Oh shut up, you coked up slut

Anthony: Oh. So insulted. Crying right now. Devastating.

Velvette: If you killed yourself right now, no one would care.

Charlie: Language!

Vaggie: Don’t disrespect Anthony. You’re a guest here, and I will not hesitate to throw you out of the hotel.

Velvette: Oh, okay, you neets

Valentino: can yoall play the gorup chat so i can make unfunny comemetary 

Vox: Sure, my darling sidehoe

Valentino: can’t have shiryonm this horse 

Charlie: . Sure. We can play in here. Who’d like to go first?

Alastor: ME

Vox: Me 🥵👅

Charlie: Alastor?

Alastor: Thank you.

Vox: I had so many dares… So many questions I needed answered…

Alastor: Vox?

Vox: Yes?

Alastor: Leave and never return

Charlie: Alastor, it has to be a real one

Vox: I don’t think I will, princess

Alastor: Who’d like to go next?

Niffty: ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME PLEASE PLEASE

Charlie: …You can go, Niffty :) 

Niffty: BUSTING

Charlie: Okay.

Niffty: Who’s the baddest boy here??? >:>

Vaggie: That’s not how you play. You have to ask another person, Truth or Dare

Niffty: Oh. Okay :( 

Niffty: Anthony.

Anthony: Truth

Niffty: Who, in your opinion, is the baddest boy?

Anthony: Hm, tough question. I guess I’d have to say… Tom Trench?

Niffty: NO IN THE ROOM 

Niffty: Also awful taste. You’re a disgrace.

Niffty: Charlie, who do you think is the baddest boy?!

Charlie: Niffty! It’s Anthony’s turn now! You can wait until it's your turn again!

Niffty: Go fuck yourself

Lucifer: Don’t?? Speak to my daughter like that??

Niffty: Okay, Zaddy

Lucifer: I am not your father

Anthony: Husk? Truth or Dare?

The Bar: truth

Anthony: I dare you to kiss the hottest person in the room

The Bar: but youre all ugly

Anthony: Well then, pick the most decent-looking person and KISS THEM

The Bar: k

Vox: HAH! I am the hottest

The Bar: youre really not

The Bar: it just kind of hard to see how ugly you are with that tv face

Vox: Kiss me again, I’m feeling romantical

Alastor: Stop trying to molest Husker

Vox: Do worry, pookie bear… I’m imagining it's you

Alastor: Shut it, you Lily-livered, yellow-bellied sap

The Bar: vaggie truth or dare

Vaggie: Dare

The Bar: fuck i didnt expect you to say that

The Bar: i dare you to drink the closest thing to you

The Bar: that can be drunk by the way

Vaggie: Okay

Charlie: Did you just throw a milk jug of Everclear at my girlfriend??!?

The Bar: no

Charlie: I just saw you??

Charlie: WHY ARE YOU DRINKING IT??

Vaggie: I am many things, but I am not a quitter quitter chicken dinner

Charlie: I didn’t say you were dinner??

Vaggie: Char Char Truth or dinner

Charlie: Uhh…

Anthony: I don’t know if it's the alcohol or the concussion talking

Vaggie: I don’t can cocoon 

Charlie: Truth! I have nothing to hide from you guys!

Vaggie: Where were you five minutes ago

Charlie: I… was sitting here?

Vaggie: NO YOU WEREN’T YOU WERE STANDING

Vaggie: I can’t be with liars

Charlie: You lied to me about being an angel

Vaggie: You right.

Vaggie: Nevermind then

Charlie: …Okay then!

Charlie: Alastor, truth or dare

Alastor: Truth, I suppose

Vox: Why art thou such a gaping vagina (and why won’t thou let me hit)?

Charlie: How did you get up to your tower before we renovated?

Anthony: He probably got up there through his freaky magic

Alastor: Leap of faith

Anthony: Excuse me?

Alastor: I just jumped and hoped for the best

Vox: Can you jump on me

Alastor: I’d rather skin myself

Alastor: Velvette, dearie, truth or dare?

Velvette: Dare pussy

Alastor: I dare you to eat your phone whole

Velvette: No.

Alastor: “Pussy”

Velvette: No <3

Velvette: So, truth or dare fossil

Alastor: Dare. I don’t imagine you have anything that could be challenging 

Velvette: I dare you to tell me if you’re… you know

Alastor: Are you calling me gay?

Velvette: I’m calling you a little more than gay

Alastor: ?? No?

Vox: 👀

Charlie: Should we move on?

Anthony: Can we play Clue?

Lucifer: I didn’t get to go :( 

Vox: WAIT, I SHOULD BE ABLE TO GO

Valentino: 9 dare you should suck k,u cpkc

Vox: Not right now, Val

Charlie: Okay, we’ll play Clue next!

Lucifer: I guess Clue’s fun

______________________________________________________________________________

Lucifer: LET ME HAVE A TURN, I BEG OF YOU

Lucifer: I KNOW WHO IT IS

Lucifer: PLEASE

Lucifer: WHY ARE THERE UNO CARDS

Charlie: Vaggie, sweetheart, there’s no Mr. Peeboy in this game

Vaggie: YES, THERE IS,  AND HE KILLED SHERMAN

Charlie: You mean Mr Body?

Valentino: i ekepp tyruomt to hey thos hiyu to work for mey ) jue keeps running away??)

Velvette: I think you should’ve been aborted

Vox: He said, “I keep trying to get this guy to work me (he keeps running away??)”

Anthony: Good on him

Valentino: you can’;t run awy for much konger dusetr

Anthony: Kys

Lucifer: WHY DO I HAVE A RAILROAD CARD

Niffty: YOU’RE THE FUCKING BITCH WITH THE LAST RAILROAD CARD

Lucifer: VOX YOU GUESSED AN HOUR AGO. WHY ARE YOU STILL PLAYING

Vox: I’m not playing, Alastor is : )

Vox: Aren’t we such a good team, Alastor? We could’ve been like this all the time

The Bar: you are choking him out

Vox: I’d call it… Rough cuddling

Valentino: mr and voxxy popp do that all the ime

Charlie: I think I know who it is!

Alastor: NJbvuhnfmnhjobvbm ngkjn debgrqeadxmpg54es87tegvujgftiue

Vox: I love you too

Lucifer: LET ME HAVE MY TURN

Vox: No <3

Velvette: Uno reversed

Anthony: Plus four

Lucifer: STOP GIVING ME MAGIC: THE GATHERING CARDS WE’RE PLAYING CLUE!

Vaggie: I thought we were playing solitaire 

Lucifer: HOW DID EVEN THINK THAT???

The Bar: i thought we were playing monopoly  

Lucifer: Excuse me

Charlie: It’s been two hours, maybe we should stop playing?

Anthony: Yeah, this got boring immediately 

Lucifer: PLEASE JUST LET ME GUESS PLEASE PLEASE

Lucifer: Did you just throw the entire table at me

Vox: Perchance

Vox: We should play seven minutes in heaven

Alastor: NOOO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

Anthony: Sure 👀

Alastor: NO

Lucifer: JUST LET ME FUCKING GUESS

Lucifer: I KNOW WHO IT IS

Vaggie: Spin the milk jug

Vox: I think my radio pookie bear princess Snookums should go first

Alastor: fine

Niffty: Voxxy, what are you doing

Vox: Trying to make it stop on me

Charlie: It’s Velvette!

Vox: NO

Alastor: THANK GOD

Velvette: Let's get this over with

______________________________________________________________________________

A private chat between Velvette and Alastor has started!

Velvette: So,

Alastor: I am not going to have sexual intercourse with you

Velvette: I’d rather kill myself ten times in a row and eat my own shit before I even think about you in that way, you child of a bloody cunt. You look like you piss on yourself

Alastor: Oh, thank god

Alastor: Not that last part

Alastor: At least you aren’t like your fellow clowns

Velvette: Anyway. So,

Alastor: What?

Velvette: I have a couple of questions…

Velvette: What do you think of dresses?

Alastor: Excuse me?

______________________________________________________________________________

The Hazbin Hotel (Contaminated)

(Five minutes later)

Charlie: Times up!

Alastor: Oh, thank god

Velvette: That was a fun time. Cleared some things up

Vox: I fucking hate you

Vox: It should’ve been me

Charlie: Whose next?

Niffty: ME ME I’D LIKE TO GO ME ME

Charlie: Spin the… jug

Niffty: Give me a bad boy. Give me a bad boy

Charlie: Oh… You can spin it again!

Niffty: NAH! 

Anthony: Is she just going to stand in a closet by herself

Charlie: …I guess?

(Seven (years) minutes later)

Niffty: It was so romantic in there

Anthony: Who were you talking to?

Niffty: Who do you think? 

Anthony: ??

Charlie: Alright, whose next?

The Bar: ill go

Niffty: I hope you get with a bad boy

The Bar: thats something

Charlie: Dad, you’re up

Lucifer: I’m still married??

The Bar: lets just get this over with

______________________________________________________________________________

A private chat between The Bar and Lucifer has started!

The Bar: who did you think it was

Lucifer: What?

The Bar: in clue

Lucifer: Oh! I thought it was Prof. Plum, in the lounge, with the poison.

The Bar: i did too

The Bar: you seemed really invested so i decided not to accuse

Lucifer: … Thank you so much

Lucifer: You’re one of the good ones

The Bar: huh

Lucifer:                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             I love you

The Bar: huh

______________________________________________________________________________

The Hazbin Hotel (Contaminated)

Charlie: Times up!

Lucifer: I actually quite enjoyed that!

Lucifer: You’re a very polite young man, Husk

The Bar: thank you

Vox: I’m spinning the bottle

Vaggie: *Jug

Vox: Oh, Wow!! Alastor, it landed on you!! Let's go in!!

Charlie: Maybe you should respin?

Vox: No <3

Alastor: NO HELP HELP NO HELP (sent by speech to text)

Anthony: He dropped his phone

Charlie: Oh god

Lucifer: That was funny!

Niffty: I wish someone would do that to me >:)

Velvette: Don’t treat her too badly

The Bar: huh

Charlie: Guys, he’s screaming, we should help!

Vox: No

Vaggie: I’m sure he’ll be fine

(Four minutes later)

Charlie: He’s still screaming…

Vox: Don’t worry, it's - HELP STOP STOP YOU FUCKINK SELL OUT BITCH (sent by speech to text)

Charlie: *Sigh* I’ll deal with it

Vox: Wait what - shrjbnrjkmnaeszdfxckj

Chapter Text

Exterminators (And Saint Peter) Part Two

D1ckmaster: YOU MOTHERFUCKER LUTE GET ME OUT OF HERE GET BACK HERE YOU PIECE OF SHIT

D1ckmaster: I CAN’T TAKE MY MASK OFF

D1ckmaster: I CAN’T EAT WAIT, WHY DO I LOOK LIKE A ROACH

D1ckmaster: LUTE, GET BACK DOWN HERE

(Message failed to receive!)

(Message failed to send!)

D1ckmaster: LUTE

(Message failed to receive!)

(Message failed to send!)

D1ckmaster: WHAT THE FUCK

______________________________________________________________________________

The Angels (And Saint Peter)

D1ckmaster: THIS UGLY BALD BITCH IS TRYING TO TOUCH ME

D1ckmaster: HELP

(Message failed to receive!)

(Message failed to send!)

D1ckmaster: HE’S TRYING TO OFFER A JOB TO BE TOUCHED. WTF IS WRONG WITH HELL

(Message failed to receive!)

(Message failed to send!)

D1ckmaster: HELP

______________________________________________________________________________

A private chat between Velvette and Anthony has started!

Anthony: ?

Velvette: I have something to discuss with you

Anthony: I am not going back to Valentino

Velvette: This ain’t about that Bald Headed Bitch

Velvette: It’s… About Alastor

Anthony: So Dramatic

Velevette: Haven’t you noticed anything… Off with them?

Anthony: Other than everything? Nothing

Velvette: You haven’t noticed he… seems a little bit of a she?

Anthony: What

Velvette: See, I was interrogating her in the closet, and I found out some things…

Anthony: Like what?

Velvette: Let me start from the beginning.

Velvette: On extermination day, I saw that she ran away after her shirt was cut. At first, I

thought she was FTM, but when I analyzed her more, I was firstly disappointed (by lack of titties), but then I realized. She was not FTM, but MTF, and she has yet to realize it.

Anthony: Huh

Anthony: This feels like a lot of assumptions

Velvette: It all makes sense if you think about it. She historically has only had female friends, and the only male friend she’s ever had? Well, we both know how he is. Another thing, she states that her “face is made for radio”. Of course, this could be because she is incredibly ugly and nobody wants to see her face, BUT I believe that it has to do with gender dysphoria. Next point of contention, now, let’s get back to extermination day. When her shirt was cut up, she immediately retreated. During the short intermission before she ran away like a pusssy, she was hiding her chest. A coincidence? I think not. Anyway, my final point, I think she’s trans, and I’m always right. I will not be wrong today.

Anthony: *LE GASP*

Velvette: Are you a fucking child from the early 2000s? No one says that anymore. 

Anthony: Why are you telling me this?

Velvette: Because nobody would believe you that I was the one to tell you, lol

Anthony: Oh okay

______________________________________________________________________________

The Hazbin Hotel (Contaminated)

Vox: I’m not gay

Velvette: Why did you say it aloud, too

Vaggie: No one cares

Valentino: has anyone seen that rocach noy i want to hive ajon sill ntps 

Anthony: Someone free that random man

Valentino: come back home my wookr epookie near princess i want tuku 

Valentino: Im b busting pffoo 

Valentino: I see HIM

Valentino: am goinna touch nhime and fuck jom up the ass skfdmnj

Anthony: Am I gonna have to save this poor man?

Vaggie: I am sure that Valentino’s too stupid to trick anyone

Anthony: That’s rude

Vaggie: I’m sorry about that, I guess

Charlie: Valentino, please stop harassing random sinners!

Valentino: Don’t tell me what to do WHORE

Charlie: *Gasp*

Charlie: Dearie me

Lucifer: Do you want me to deal with him?

Charlie: No, it’s fine, Dad

Charlie: Wait

Charlie: *Another Gasp!*

Charlie: The doorbell rang!!

Velvette: I can’t believe anyone would genuinely try to join your hotel

Vaggie: Shutta up

Charlie: Oh my fucking god

Valentino: sho ix ig, cobgdhy snzg z bob

Velvette: What

______________________________________________________________________________

The Hazbin Hotel

Charlie: Everyone…

Charlie: He’s back…

Vaggie: Who?

Charlie: …

Anthony: Don’t be mysterious, Char Char

Niffty: *SNIFF SNIFF* It’s a bad boy >:>

Niffty: Is it Sir Pentious?

Charlie: No… It’s … Adam…

Alastor: Not this fucking clown

Anthony: Didn’t he die?

Vaggie: Dearest heavens, what the fuck

Husk: maybe he came to finish the job alastor

Alastor: He won’t catch me lacking again

Husk: that’ll be difficult because you often lack

Alastor: Don’t disrespect me like that, lil bro

Charlie: Should we… You know… let him plead his case?

Charlie: He seems pretty desperate to get back into heaven 

Lucifer: That seems funny!

Lucifer: Add him, and if he does anything, I’ll kill him, don’t worry, gang

Husk: maybe he’ll kill alastor finally

Alastor: I can’t believe you’re talking shit

Charlie: Okay! Let’s see what happens.

Charlie added 1-777-1313 to the group chat!

Charlie changed 1-777-1313’s name to Adam!

Adam: PLEASE I WANT TO SEE THE REST OF THE DYNAMIC DUO PLEASE PLEASE I’VE NEVER DONE ANYTHING WRONG IN MY LIFE WHAT THE FUCK

Lucifer: How the turn tables

Adam: Oh god, I’m in hell

Lucifer: I am aware

Adam: YOU’RE ALL SO UGLY AND I’M SO BEAUTIFUL

Lucifer: Then why did all your wives leave you?

Adam: They don’t know perfection when they see it

Charlie: Adam… Is there a reason you want to stay at the hotel? Because if you don’t, I 

will be removing you from the hotel

Adam: Well, you see, I KNOW that redemption doesn’t work. If it did, some little brat would’ve done it already. But, I know the dynamic duo (Of Danger Tits and Mister Moan) is probably planning an attack on y’all’s asses, so I want to be here for that

Anthony: Who is Mister Moan? 🥵

Adam: He don’t want you

Charlie: Well… I suppose we can put our differences behind us if you’re really willing to give redemption a shot…

Adam: Really?

Vaggie: Wouldn’t it be the dynamic trio if you’re also in the group?

Adam: I’ll be taking my leave now

Charlie: WAIT

Charlie: As much as I would rather you leave, I don’t think that the rest of hell will react kindly to you after all you’ve done. Maybe it would be better if you stayed?

Lucifer: I think you should just let him leave, sweetie

Adam: Do I get a free room

Charlie: Every resident does

Adam: Sure man I’ve got nothing better to do

Chapter Text

The Hazbin Hotel

Charlie: So, as everyone knows, we have a… controversial new resident in the hotel

Charlie: So, for everyone to get to know each other, let's tell each other stories about our lives!

Charlie: Adam, since you’re new, maybe you should go first!

Adam: Alright, Alright

Adam: Keep your panties on, ladies 

Vaggie: Ugh, you never change

Adam: Anyways, anything in particular ya wanna hear about? I’ve got a long list, but I don’t think you losers have the time.

Charlie: Hmm… Maybe about how you and the… Dynamic duo meet?

Adam: SO, basically, it was probably a Saturday, at least, what? 1964 years? Yeah, I think it was that much. Anyway, I was walking down some random ass street one day, and this guy was talking about how much he hated singing, and it sounded like he was trying to practice, and so he started singing. And I never thought someone was getting FUCKED more than in that moment. So, I told him, “Dude, why it sound like you’re getting fucked in the ass?” And then, he beat my ass. Started throwing haymakers, and I started hitting back. And I won’t lie, he was beating my ass, and I was getting packed up. Then all of a sudden, this light started shining, and the clouds parted, and this random girl started ascending, she was like just made, or something. Anyway, she looked at us and called me fat and called him a twink. SO, we tried to beat her ass, and then she started BEATING our asses. And then him and her started teaming, and jumped me, while also fighting each other. And I will not lie to y’all, they were beating MY ASS. I won’t lie, I lost consciousness for a bit. When I woke up, they were throwing a table at me. Some people tried to stop us, but we would band together and beat them to death, even though they were already dead. We did this for at least two and a half weeks. And I won’t lie again, they kept packing me up. 1-2-3 combos type shit. Don’t remember half of it; I kept losing consciousness. Then after those two and a half, we just stood there, and then she was like, “Wanna get some food?” And we’ve been best friends ever since. To be fair, they did need to drag me there. MY ass was paralyzed from the neck down for a bit. It kinda sucked

Charlie: …

Anthony: Jesus Christ

Niffty: Mister Moan sounds like a bad boy >:>>>

Adam: He ain’t into your kind

Vaggie: What’s that supposed to mean

Adam: Women

Adam: He hasn’t told me yet, but I can feel his gay aura

Lucifer: Damn, I would’ve never guessed you were easy to fight. What a shock

Adam: You think you can hurt me?? I got hit by a freight train 8 times. That was day seven (courtesy of Danger Tits <3).

Charlie: WHO WERE THESE DEMONS WHO WERE BEATING YOUR ASS, AND WHY ARE YOU STILL FRIENDS WITH THEM

Adam: We’re the dynamic duo. Obviously

Alastor: With the way you fight, I could’ve guessed you got you’re ass beat

Adam: “FiRsT mAn, NeXt To DiE.” “I’m GoInG tO eNd YoU’rE fUcKiNg life.” Shut yo corny ass up

Husk: id believe that he said that

Charlie: Anyone else got any stories?

Lucifer: Okay, so, one time. I fucked Adam’s wife. Another time, I did it again.

Adam: You know WHAT? I’m over it. I’m over you fucking my wives. AT least I have friends, you’re still living with your daughter, have no social life, and your wife doesn’t even fucking talk to you.

Charlie: How did you know that

Lucifer: Can’t even deny that.

Alastor: He clocked your shit

Lucifer: You can’t be talking, you fucking cornball 

Anthony: Guys, stop jumping, Alastor, she might kill us 😱

Husk: im so frightened pissing my pants

Husk: wait what

Vaggie: I could hear the sarcasm through the phone

______________________________________________________________________________

The Overlords Of Hell.

Alastor: Zestial, we should meet up. I have crazy news.

Zestial: Of course, dram broth'r

Velvette: Why the fuck do you speak like that? I thought you were from the 1800s

Carmilla Carmine: Please refrain from speaking in this group chat, as it’s only for serious matters.

Alastor: I don’t give a fuck

Vox: You should talk to me like that

Alastor: Shut the fuck up, you gay, ugly, box-headed freak

Rosie: Can I join 🥹

Alastor: Sure, homeslice

Carmilla Carmine: Alastor, why are you acting like this

Alastor: I’m going through it 

Velvette: I know what’s up

Zestial: What doth thee cullionly by yond?

Velvette: One sec

______________________________________________________________________________

A private chat between Velvette and Zestial has started!

Zestial: So, what is thy hypothesis on alast'r's behaviour?

Velvette: I think she’s trans

Zestial: I already knew this.

Velvette: Why are you talking normally now? And do you mean you know?

Zestial: Velvette, you’re the idiot who is late to the party. I have known this for decades. You are a fucking loser, Velvette. I sensed this the SECOND she showed up in hell. You are a dumbass for not sensing this sooner. The signs were always there, but you were just BLINDED by your ignorance. YOUR pride AND greed. You’re lucky I don’t kill you for this.

Velvette: Damn, I didn’t know I hit a nerve on this skeleton.

Zestial: I will skin you alive.

Zestial: Concluded, be it, mine own lief.  I shall has't to taketh mine own leaveth anon.  T wast a pleasure speaking to thee.  I doth desire thee has't a fair day

Velvette: Damn

______________________________________________________________________________

The Angels (And Saint Peter)

Saint Peter: Yo Abel?

Abel: What’s wrong, Saint Peter?

Saint Peter: Nothing? I was going to ask if you wanted to come out and eat with me.

Abel: Oh, okay! Sure! I have some free time.

Abel: Where do you want to go?

Danger Tits: You’re betraying everything we stood for

Saint Peter: KFC?

Emily: I heard a recreation of Le Caprice has opened up on 123 Happy Days Street

Saint Peter: God, the names of the streets up here are dumb.

Seraphim: Language

Abel: Do you want to go eat there, Saint Peter?

Saint Peter: Sure, man

______________________________________________________________________________

Abel: Do you want some of my food?

Saint Peter: No thanks

Abel: Thank god

Abel: I wanted to be nice, but I’m a fatass at heart.

Abel: Why are you crying

Saint Peter: Sorry, you just remind me of your dad, except you’re beautiful, charming,  kind, even though you didn’t want to share, sweet, likeable, interesting, you’re a good singer, you know what soap is, you haven’t asked me for any of my food like your dad would’ve, you’re really considerate for some reason, and you’re gay.

Abel: …So we have nothing in common?

Danger Tits: I need you to kill yourself

Abel: Okay

______________________________________________________________________________

Danger Tits: Have you killed yourself yet?

(Read)

Danger Tits: Dammit

Chapter Text

The Hazbin Hotel (Contaminated)

Charlie: Everyone! Let's go to Saint Bermount’s Diner! I’ve heard it was really good! It’ll be on me!!

Anthony: Isn’t that the place that beats the shit out of you if you don’t finish their food?

Charlie: I mean, yeah, but it’ll be a bonding experience

Vox: I can come if Alastor comes (in more ways than one)

Charlie: Oh

Charlie: Wrong chat

Alastor: Excuse me

Velvette: I’ve been there, my girl liked their fish sticks - milkshake combo

Velvette: Ultra Rare L from her 

Charlie: Was anything good there, bro?

Velvette: I really like their

Velvette: Salt, I guess. Don’t think it was genuinely salt, but it tasted like it. In a way 

Charlie: We’re going to go, community

Charlie: Someone tell you know who

Valentino: whi

Vaggie: We shouldn’t go??

Charlie: Too bad we’re going (I’ll kill them if they try and touch you <3<3<3)

______________________________________________________________________________

Vox: We’re here

Alastor: You weren’t invited

Vox: Not to mansplain to you, darling Alastor, but we were

Vaggie: Not intentionally 

Vox: I was often unintentionally invited to places by Alastor

Alastor: If you were to kill yourself, I would not care

Vox: I’m going to commit a murder-suicide with you, Alastor

Velvette: Bro really thinks he’s in a dark romance

Valentino: O wasnmt the dick rider pissys warmer combp meal wny

Charlie: You’re not invited, especially Valentino

Charlie: Kindly leave before I beat you up again <3 <3 <3

Valentino: fuck you slut i wfukcing jate toy some mucj 

Valentino: I diddn; t really want anything anywaub i fuck you 

Charlie: Fuck you too <3 <3

Anthony: We’re also here now

The Bar: there used to be a bar i ran here

Alastor: That must truly suck. Can not relate 

Charlie: Oh, wait!

Charlie added 1-777-1313 to the group chat!

Vaggie changed 1-777-1313’s name to Roach!

Roach: Fuck you

Valentino: I remember you

Roach: Wtf

Charlie: Valentino, fuck off <3

Valentino: canlt have shirt in this horse

Niffty: A roach, you say >:>>>>

Roach: NOT AGAIN

Lucifer: I am also here

Roach: I wish you weren’t

Lucifer: If only I cared, princess <3

Velvette: Why are you here? Don’t you have some supposedly important shit to do?

Lucifer: No girlie

Velvette: Okay

Vox: Let me sit next to Alastor

Alastor: No faggot

Vox: Yes faggot

Anthony: I HATE straight people

The Bar: okay

Velvette: I’ll sit next to Alastor since I don’t want this to turn into some soap opera dark romance bullshit

Charlie: Dad? Can you please sit next to him, in case anything happens?

Lucifer: I no-no wanna my daughta

Charlie: That’s too damn bad

Lucifer: Every day, I get disrespected.

Roach: Bro can’t handle my alpha aura *Penis twitches with pride*

Lucifer: Alright

Vaggie: When are they going to give us our menus

Anthony: Why do you not have a menu??

Vaggie: What the fuck

Charlie: Don’t worry! We can share <3 <3 <3 

Vox: I want to touch you, Alastor

Alastor: I do not consent

Vox: Whatever you say, buddy

Roach: Do you think I could order the entire menu?

Anthony: Do whatever you want, lil bro

Roach: I am older than you

Anthony: Ruining the joke as always, lil bro

Roach: Only the dynamic duo could call me that

Anthony: Oh, sorry, lil bro

The Bar: i think ill have an alcohol bleeder with a leflay

Alastor: You continue to have awful taste

Vox: Please sit on my lap, Alastor

Alastor: You have to, as the kids say, lock in

Vox: I’ll lock in when you’re on my lap, riding me

Alastor: 😨

Velvette: Can’t act like a normal person for ten fucking minutes

Lucifer: I’m going to order twenty bottles of Cocoroco

______________________________________________________________________________

Anthony: I did not think you’d actually order the entire menu

Roach: I’m a man of my word

Lucifer: These bottles are really good

Charlie: Dad, please stop eating those bottles

Charlie: Vaggie, where did you get Everclear from? They don’t even sell it here.

Vaggie: Stop judging me :( 

Roach: You know what this reminds me of? One time, the gang and I were going to a swimming pool. It was like, at least ten years. At most, it was 1952 years ago. Anyway, I roll up in a Bralet Thong combo, thinking I look good. And I did, I looked fierce. But these bitches pull up with a matching Plunge front one-piece set, and I didn’t know we were supposed to match, so I was out there looking like the whole circus. And I would’ve looked better than they did, too. It was tragic.

Charlie: You three truly had a dynamic

Roach: I miss them so much

Valentino: i can let yo see them again if you get a fjon with me L )

Roach: You people down here are disgusting

The Bar: youre also down here

Roach: But I’m special. And beautiful, unlike you things.

Alastor: Velvette, what are you eating?

Velvette: The Scissor Sity Special 

Alastor: Excuse me?

Luicfer: That reminds me of something.

Vaggie: Why is everyone being reminded of stupid shit

Lucifer: So, one time. Lilith, Eve, and I were getting freaky, as we did back in the day, when all of the sudden, I was trying to get back into the action after cheering them on for a bit, only for my beautiful perfect wife to dropkick me straight to the cuck chair, don’t know why she was still wearing heels, probably because she’s a baddie, they left two holes in my chest, but whatever, anyway, while I was gasping for air she said I could only join I shape shifted to have a vagina, cause that was the theme and I was ruining the vibe, so I couldn’t leave the cuck chair until I did that, which obviously I did because I’m a team player. The moral of the story is that Scissor City is a really nice place to be. 

Velvette: I’m aware

Alastor: Have you ever heard of using multiple sentences? Will you explode and die if you did?

Lucifer: Yes, actually, I would bitch boy

Charlie: We didn’t need to know that, Dad

Anthony: Adam, did you really eat all the food that fast? It just got here

Roach: Yeah

Velvette: ADAM??!! THE BITCH THAT RAT KILLED?!??!

Niffty: yeah

Velvette: Okay

______________________________________________________________________________

Anthony: Adam, stop puking everywhere

Roach: WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS

Velvette: It truly sucks to suck

Roach: I M SO BEAUTIFUL AND A FLAWLESS CREATION OF GOD. WHY DO I DESERVE THIS? I JUST WANTED TO EAT 

Charlie: It’ll be okay, Adam! I’m sure there’s a way to make it so that you don’t puke when you eat! I’ll help you figure it out!

Lucifer: I hope you suffer more, buddy boy

Roach: Alastor, stop typing right now, I swear to god

Vox: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP PUKING ON ME

Vox: HOW ARE YOU EVEN DOING THAT? I AM ACROSS THE TABLE

Roach: I’m not doing it on purpose

Vox: I M LITERALLY MOVING AROUND, AND YOU’RE STILL HITTING ME FUCK YOU

Roach: Oops