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My name is Sarah and this is my story.

When I was a little child war came to my country. I say it in this way because we were trapped in between of a larger conflict and ended caught up in a proxy war. Most of the people of my country didn’t want to go to war, we didn’t share borders with the attackers, we just had different ideologies, but our people didn’t care. What was the point of fighting a distant country just because we had a different belief system? Why risk the lives of our soldiers and civilian population for no other reason than who is right on a discussion no one cared about? Why fight a larger country against which we had no chance of winning just because?

Well never mind that, the larger powers that be decided that we were a great place to measure their military prowess. And proceeded to crush us as if we were little ants.

I will never forget the sound of the explosions, the smell of the charred remains, the hellscape around me as I searched for my family amongst the rubble of what used to be my home. I survived because I had gone to the store and wasn’t there when the bomb was dropped on my house. When I came back what used to be a five-story building had become a pile of rubble. I could hear cries for help, so I looked for their source, and managed to find one of my neighbours, she was trapped under the debris. I tried to get her out, she was covered in blood and dust and clearly in pain. But I was weak and could lift the heavy blocks of concrete and twisted metal that held her prisoner. I was six years old. I tried to look for help, but no one was around. I tried to look for my family but all I could find was my sister’s teddy bear covered in dust.

I would look for water and food to bring to my neighbour with no luck. She managed to survive for two days before passing away due to her wounds. I had managed to held my composure while I was trying to take care of her, but as soon as the glimmer of life left her eyes I broke down. I cried for hours, wailing as the little child I was. I had lost my family, my home and as far as I knew everything I cherished, for no reason whatsoever. My father was an architect, my mother a nurse. What evil could they have done to deserve to be murdered? What had my little sister, three years old, done to be slaughtered? My neighbour was a stay-at-home mother with three children. Why would she deserve to die? My head couldn’t wrap around the situation, everything seemed so pointless, so cruel.

I stayed next to my neighbour for one more day, clinging to the idea that she might wake up, but it was pointless. Eventually I was really thirsty so I went to look for water again. I brought the teddy bear with me.

I wondered among the streets of the city trying to get help, holding the teddy bear as if my life depended on it, and in a way it did, it was what kept me sane during the hell I would have to endure for living in the wrong city, in the wrong country, in the wrong moment.

I managed to find some water, but no food. I drank and drank, my life literally depended on it, the fresh life-giving liquid tasted like dirt, but I didn’t care, I was too thirsty. I wondered if I could find a bottle or something to bring water with me. Around the rubble I found a tin jar that I filled with water. I took my teddy bear and my jar and started roaming through the city in search for food. Some buildings were still standing, but in shambles, I would explore them searching for food, I was starving. Sometimes I would get lucky and find something to eat, but most of the time they were empty because people took food with them when they left. I would also look through the ruins, I tried to avoid that since they were filled with corpses and smelled like death, but honestly, I wasn’t in the position to be picky. I collected whatever seemed edible at the moment, with the teddy bear as my only companion. Day and night the sound of bombs hitting the city would make me look for refuge. I would try to sleep in open spaces thinking that they were less likely to be bombed as there was nothing to hide.

The stench of death became stronger every day.

I was lonely and afraid.

Until one day while I was scavenging a boy of my age came to me.

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I was on a half-demolished building looking for food when a heard a voice.

-Are you injured?

It was a boy’s voice. I turned around and a kid about my age was standing there looking at me. His left arm was covered in bandages, so were his legs. His hair was brown and so were his eyes, his skin was tanned, we looked very alike, we could have been siblings.

A bit scared I shook my head.

-I’m Ian, nice to meet you. What’s your name?

He offered me his right hand in a friendly gesture.

-Sarah

I said and took it.

-Are you alone or you have a group?

He asked with soft voice.

-I’m alone.

 I answered gingerly.

-Would you like to come with me? I have a group. We have tents and food.

Food. That word was enough to convince me to go with him, I was starving.

While we walked to his camp, he told me about the people in there, it was managed by an international NGO and the inhabitants were mostly children and women, there were a few men but they were badly wounded. He said that the camp even had a doctor tending to the wounded. Honestly it sounded too good to be true, but I believed him. And he was honest.

The camp was small but filled with people to the brim.

They were all very friendly. Everyone had a tragic story. Lost homes, husbands, children, limbs.

The sound of bombs kept tormenting us, you can’t get used to it no matter how much you have to listen to them. Sometimes I would wake up at midnight crying for my family holding tight to my sister’s teddy bear. Ian slept next to me and he would hold me and calm me down stroking my hair. Other times he would be the one to wake up trembling and I would hold him until he would go back to sleep. Soon enough I started to see him as a brother and we became inseparable. We were a small family: he, me and my sister’s teddy bear.

During the day we would look for survivors among the rubble for the NGO’s workers to rescue and bring to the camp. Or we would help in whatever we could at the campsite: cooking, distributing the food, cleaning, tending to the wounded… Anything at all so we could get out minds out of the horrors that kept happening around us.

The war went on and on, luckily our camp wasn’t attacked, probably because the NGO it belonged to was a very important one, so they’d got international protection that fortunately the attacking country respected.

After a while some of the NGO’s workers made an offer to the orphans in the camp: we could go to another country as refugees. Ian and I begged them to take us with them. So did most the orphans and some of the women with little children.

The workers began the paperwork and procedures necessary to take us away from the hell in which we were trapped. Meanwhile Ian and I prayed for it to work, for it to be real and not a sick joke. Our hopes were into creating a new life away from horrors and bad memories we had in our homeland.

Meanwhile the volunteers began to teach us some key words of the language of the country we would be going to. Stuff like “Where is the toilet?” “Can I have some water please?” And so on and so on. They also taught us a song from the new country, so we could sing it once we get there.

As the war kept raging, we were taken to the border and crossed to the neighboring country, from where we took a fly to our new home. 

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During the fly Ian and I wondered if we would ever see our homeland again, we hoped that there would be something to visit after the end of war, whenever that may be.

We arrived at the new country after a long fly, it was really far away from our motherland.

It was a bit awkward at the very beginning because some politicians came to take photos with us and made a few speeches. We didn’t care. We smiled for the photos and sang the song that they had teach us at the camp. The mutilated children where the ones that had it harder since the journalists would prefer them to take pictures. I now know that they would sell for a better price and bring some sympathy for us refugees, as the country was divided about giving us asylum due to issues with immigration through their borders. But we were twenty children from a country a war, most of us mutilated and all of us traumatized. What kind of threat could we pose?

They brought us to an orphanage that had children from ours and other countries. We were separated by sex in two dormitories. I didn’t want to be away from Ian at night. Who would stroke my hair until I could sleep again? Who would hold him until he calmed down? But we had no say in the subject, so I just held on to the teddy bear and tried not to cry too loud when I woke up from the nightmares.

I could only talk to the kids from my country, because I hadn’t learnt my new home’s language besides the few words that the volunteers at the camp had thought us.

But we were enlisted in a class to learn the language so we could integrate to the school system as soon as possible. Our teacher was an expat from our homeland that had come to live in the country many years before the war. Ian and I made our maximum effort and managed to get the basics pretty fast, we would force ourselves to talk only in the new language so we could learn it faster.

After a few months we were fluent enough to go to a regular school.

The orphanage had an agreement with a public school to let us integrate into their classes. Fortunately, since me and Ian had the same age, we ended in the same class something that reduced the considerable amount of anxiety that I had about going to school in this different country with a different language.

The classes were similar to those I had in my motherland, I just had to work extra harder because I had missed most of the school year’s classes and I didn’t know some words but most of the times I managed to get them by context. Ian had a harder time, but with my help he managed to stay afloat.

We kept having language classes at the orphanage which were very helpful.

We also started to mingle with our non-countryman classmates, which in general were friendly towards us. I made two friends that to this day I keep in contact with and we keep seeing and talking with each other, even though it’s been more than twenty years since we first met.

Ian was good at sports so he entered the basketball team and soon became very popular. I was more of the nerdy type, so I focused on learning as much as I could about my new home, and getting good grades.

Time flew by and we got to the end of the school year, I finished top of my class. It was first year so nobody cared, except for me and Ian who congratulated me and even made me a little gift, a string bracelet that I treasure to this day.

Summer came and we were on vacations. At the orphanage they tried to keep us busy and entertained through different activities. They would make sports competitions, in which I would be an utter disaster, but Ian would shine like a star. A lot of group games of different kinds. And classes to reinforce what we had learned at school, that I truly enjoyed.

But to be honest summer was a sad time for me. I missed my family and without the constant demand of school I had more free time to think about them. I remembered my parents and little sister, and how we will go to the lake for family vacations and play around the water. Also, my birthday came and nobody knew it, not even Ian, so I had no celebration. When I talked to him about that he was really upset that I hadn’t told him sooner. He managed to get me a present anyway, a bow for the teddy bear that made it look truly adorable. That made me smile. I hugged him and he smiled too.

The time went by among the different activities that we had at the orphanage.

Then he came to the orphanage.

His name was Kai.

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Kai came from a different country than us but his was also at war. He had lost his left eye in an explosion due to shrapnel. There were some other children of his country and he stayed with them while learning the local language. I looked at him from afar, all girls did. He was around my age. He had strawberry blond hair, fair skin with freckles and his eye was dark blue. He was really handsome but he didn’t seem to notice it, he had a complex about his missing eye, he would cover it with a patch and comb his hair in order to hide it. 

He was also very very smart. It took him one month to be fluent in the country’s language, even though it was very different from that of his motherland. He went to the review classes as I did. He was able to socialize -not all kids in the orphanage could do it due to the amount of trauma most of us had been subjected to- but used to stay by his own, he wasn’t shy, just aloof, and had a certain demeanor that gave him a mysterious aura. Some girls began to call him “the prince”.

When the new school year began it came Kai’s time to shine. He was good at every subject, from math to music, from history to sports, from arts to science. A true prodigy. They decided to promote him to a higher grade, he went straight up to 5^th grade, even though he was still seven years old. That made him even more popular in the orphanage, he was the living proof that we refugees were a contribution to the society of our new home. He was so brilliant that a newspaper ran an article about him. A politician took notice and decided to sponsor him promising a scholarship for his higher education. Also pledging some money to the orphanage, which made Kai our local hero.

I developed a huge crush on him, as well as most young girls in the orphanage and at school. He was too young to be of interest for older girls of course, but since he had been at the newspaper “the prince” nickname became popular even among them.

For some reason Kai really liked Ian, so much so that he would actively seek to be near him. Ian would tell me that Kai hated to be called “the prince” but that he was somewhat resigned to it. Ian liked him too, he said he was a really nice guy and that he was suffering a lot. He had seen his whole family annihilated in front of him, and the shrapnel of the explosion had taken his eye. He told Ian that he had tried to rescue his family members but all that was left of them were dismembered body parts mixed with the debris. I understood that pain, so did Ian, we both had seen the horrors of war. Most of the kids at the orphanage had.

Time flew by. Our prince kept standing out he would get accolade after accolade. He was the best of his class even though he was three years younger. At age fourteen he graduated from high school with honors, the top of his class in every subject.

The time came to see if the politician would keep his word and he did. Kai went to the best university in the country to study microbiology with a scholarship from the government and support money from the politician that had promised to help him years prior.

Our prince left the orphanage to move to the capital where his new university was. While Ian and I were at 9^th grade and had to stay there for the next three years at least.

Lucky for me Kai kept in contact with Ian, so I had constant updates about his life. Being a prodigy, he managed to excel at most subjects, having trouble with only one or two. When it came to socializing everyone treated him as the kid he was. Some people felt jealous of his academic prowess so they mistreated him. At times he would miss the orphanage he said to Ian, and was very grateful for having him as a friend.

At summer he would always come to visit us at the orphanage. Or to be more precise to visit Ian, I was a wallflower for Kai, he really didn’t seem to notice my existence, it was like he could only see Ian.

When we finally graduated from school he came to the ceremony. By then we were eighteen years old and the prince had bloomed to become even more handsome than before. He was really proud of Ian and distant but nice to me. He didn’t seem to register my presence.

He was about to graduate from university, he only had to finish his thesis and had it almost ready.

Then came the entrance exams for university.

Ian got a scholarship due to his prowess at basketball, he only needed to get a good enough score at the test to secure a position at the small university that was offering him the scholarship. While I needed outstanding grades in order to not only enter to the university itself but also get a scholarship from it or I wouldn’t be able to go since I had no money and the NGO only covered our expenses as long as we were at the orphanage.

We studied together day after day. It was hard to keep Ian focused, he always had too much energy, so he will keep cracking jokes and distracting me. But I managed to focus anyway. 

I gave my absolute best at the exams and managed to get the maximum score, securing my chance to enter to the university and get a scholarship.

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I chose the same university that Ian was going to. I didn’t want to be separated from him and if we stayed together, we could cut costs when it came to finding a place to live. 

I chose to study biology and Ian chose to become a physical education teacher, while he became one of the top players at the basketball team from our university. I went to every match to cheer for him.

Then one day, for the last match of our first year’s season I found the prince among the crowd. I wondered if he would remember me and doubted if I should go to say hi. I was very nervous, but eventually decided that it would be the most proper thing to do. I walked towards him and asked.

-Kai? Is that you?

He looked towards me and gave me a little smile.

-Oh, hi! You are Ian’s friend, right? Sandra?

-Sarah

I corrected him a bit sad that he didn’t even remember my name.

-Oh, right! Nice to see you. How are you doing? Are you studying?

-Yeah, I’m majoring in biology.

-That’s great! I’m a microbiologist, biology in general it’s a fascinating field.

He said with a smile.

I smiled too.

-Absolutely, I love what I’m learning.

-That’s how it should be.

We chitchatted for a while until the match began. Then we focused on cheering Ian. The prince barely knew anything about basketball so I had to explain some things to him, but he was really enthusiastic in cheering for our friend. I started to wonder if what the prince felt for Ian was more than a mere friendship, but I quickly pushed those thoughts away.

Our team won the match, mainly due to Ian’s contributions. He truly was and outstanding player.

Me and the prince cheered until our throats hurt, and when Ian got out the field, I went to hug him and Kai congratulated him too. Then he invited us to eat something to celebrate, I was clearly a plus-one and felt like the odd one out, be he insisted that I should come, so I did.

It was a fun meal. We praised Ian’s performance and he was really humble about it. He insisted that it was a team effort and that he would be nothing without the support of his teammates.

Then the prince mentioned that he had entered to work to a new company that was focused on developing biotechnology to be applied to a wide arrange of fields. And it was located in our city. We congratulated him as it seemed the ideal job for someone with a profile such as him.

He was thankful and humble. By the time we went back to home it was long past midnight. I felt so happy that I couldn’t sleep. While Ian snored in his bed, I went to get my sister’s teddy bear which still had the ribbon he had gave to me so many years ago. I fell asleep while holding it on my arms with a smile on my lips.

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In order to pay our rent both Ian and I had to work part time jobs. I worked at a bookshop and Ian

at a convenience store near our apartment. We barely managed to pay for our rent, bills and food, but since we lived together in a one room apartment on a cheap district we managed to get by.

Compartmentalizing between our jobs, the classes, and in Ian’s case the basketball team practices and matches, was really hard, but we stayed afloat.

I made some friends, but was still very shy. Trauma is a burden that you have to bear for life, even though you may learn to deal with it and function in society as a regular person. It had been more than 15 years since my family’s demise but I would still have nightmares about that day and the months I spent trapped at a war zone. I would still miss my mother, my sister and my dear father. The war had ended about a year after we came to orphanage, but our country was in ruins. After all those years when I looked for information about it. I found out that reconstruction had gone pretty well and it was growing again, yet I couldn’t imagine myself going back. Too many terrible memories. We had talked about the issue with Ian and he felt the same way. That was no longer our country, we had kept using our native language when we talked to each other at home, but that was it. We both were too afraid of what could be triggered inside our minds by going there.

I wondered what was the prince’s opinion when it came to his motherland. Did he miss it? Or his position was similar to ours?  The war on his country had taken a lot longer to end compared to my mother country and the reconstruction efforts were slower to come due to geopolitical issues.

Ian was a good confidant so he never told me what he and Kai would talk about. I would have to live with the doubt. The good side of the bargain was that I knew for sure that he would never tell the prince about my feelings towards him.

While I went to every single one of Ian’s matches Kai would come only to those on the weekends due to his job schedule. Every time I would see him, I would try my best to keep an interesting conversation. I wanted he to notice me in the way I saw him. But he honestly lived in a different plane of existence and didn’t seem to even register my efforts. While he did noticed Ian. He always had praises for him and usually would invite us to eat after the matches ended. Since we were poor and barely managed to get by those were the only occasions we could eat out of home. Apparently, the prince was doing pretty well when it came to money so he had no problem in taking us out. Me and Ian felt guilty about him always paying, but he would insist. And when once Ian paid for us, Kai actually deposited the money back to his account.    

The time flew by. I was always focused on my studies or my job, so I wouldn’t have time to go out with my friends most of the time. I would make an exception for Halloween’s eve and go to the costume party organized by one of the biggest clubs in our city.  For my third year at university, I went as Lydia Deetz and Ian dressed as Beetlejuice. We usually would wear matching costumes even if we weren’t a couple. He was a bit overprotective when it came to me, so he was glad to scare away any suitor that dared to come near me. I guess he was happy that I liked the prince because I was invisible to him.

While we were asking for something to drink, we heard a known voice. It was the prince. He was with a girl of around our age who was dressed Wednesday Adams, he wore a classical Dracula attire. He was handsome as always, and the girl was gorgeous. It was obvious that they were an item. I felt sick. I wanted to puke, scream, cry and run away all at the same time. The white make-up luckily hided how pale I became. Ian looked at me worried, he could read me like an open book. He also knew that it was going to be a shock to find out that my undying crush had a girlfriend, even though it made all the sense in the world. I excused myself and went out of the club to catch my breath in the cold night. Soon came Ian.

-Are you ok?

He asked me seriously worried.

-How long?

I asked back.

-How long what?

-How long have you known?

-For about a month.

-And you didn’t think it was important to tell me?

-Honestly, I just couldn’t find a proper time.

He said clearly remorseful.

-I’m pretty sure there wouldn’t have been a worse time than this.

-I’m sorry, I just couldn’t bring myself to talk about it with you.

-Well, now I know. It’s time to let go, I guess. She’s not the first one… is she?

-Well… not really… But he has never been serious about any of them.

-Wait a second. How many have there been?

-I’m not sure. They were mostly one- or two-weeks flings.

I felt deeply disappointed. In my head Kai was this tragic figure too damaged to connect with anyone but Ian and too smart for his own good. Now I was finding out that he was just a bloody playboy. But thinking it through it made sense: he was handsome, he was smart, he was even a bit of a celebrity at university and he now had money. I couldn’t be the only one to have noticed him. But clearly, he had never noticed me.

I wasn’t ugly, yet I wasn’t canonically gorgeous like the girl he had by his side that night. She had a black wig but you could tell she was blonde, with bright blue eyes and plump pink lips. Her features were delicate and beautiful, and she was tall and fit. She looked like a model. I was more on the shorter side, with tan skin, dark eyes and long straight black hair, I had full lips and a button nose. I was a bit chubby, and not the best at dressing myself. Even though my Lydia costume was pretty flattering to my body shape I was no model.

I felt really small. I wanted to cry.  I wanted my teddy bear.

Ian read all those things in my eyes and hugged me. I tried not to cry in order to keep my make up in place, but I just couldn’t. I cried silently while hiding my face in Ian’s chest, he was so tall that I didn’t even reach his neck. In between hiccups and sobs I told Ian that I wanted to go back home. He went to get my things and told my friends that I didn’t feel well so we were going home. He also said goodbye to the prince. I waited outside shivering while collecting myself. My make-up was ruined but it didn’t matter since it was Halloween’s eve someone with messed up make was just another costume.

Once we got home, I texted my friends apologizing in the group chat. They were all very worried about me and comforted me. I was really grateful for their displays of love and affection. 

Ian was really worried. He knew what the prince meant to me. He knew how insecure I was about my body and image. And he cared so deeply about me that he would hurt every time he saw me cry, it reminded him of when we were little children smothered by trauma.    

I hugged my teddy bear while Ian held me in his arms, and cried until I fell sleep.

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After the Halloween eve’s disaster, I just let go of the prince. It was never meant to be. He was never going to see me that way. I was just Ian quirky friend and that’s how it had to be.

The next time I saw the prince he was with the gorgeous girl from that night, he introduced her as his girlfriend. I died inside a little bit. She was even prettier under good lightning. Her name was Carly. We were at one of Ian’s matches. We cheered for him as he kept scoring more and more points, he was an awesome player, the star of the team.

Once the game finished, we kept our ritual of going to eat out. Now we were four. Carly was really nice and I ended liking her to my dismay. The prince looked really happy and that made me happy too. It was a fun afternoon, me and Carly talked about different subjects, she was studying to become an engineer. I was honestly impressed and asked her a bunch of questions. We kind of became friends. Weird, I know.

When we got back to our home Ian asked how I was feeling and I could honestly answer that I was fine. He was curious about what me and Carly were talking about. I gave him a brief summary and he laughed a bit.

-So now you’re besties?

He asked with a smirk.

-Not besties, but she’s surprisingly nice

I answered not getting the joke, I was a bit drunk.

-I’m glad

He hugged me. We talked for while mostly about the game which was the classificatory for the regionals. Ian had secured the team’s place in the tournament. We went to sleep late and I felt eerily calm.

The prince made a point to be at every match of the regional tournament. Carly came with him most of the time so we would chat a lot as I explained to her all the rules and codes of basketball as I had done with the prince long before. Kai was so immersed in the games that he would seem to forget about Carly but she didn’t make any fuzz about it. As Ian’s team kept going forward, we became more and more enthusiastic in every game.

By the final we were cheering so loudly that I ended up dysphonic.

Ian’s team won classifying for the national championship. I was so happy that I almost smothered him when I hugged him while congratulating him. The prince gave him a hug too and a few pats on the back. Carly congratulated him with a broad smile. In that particular occasion the team had a celebration just for the players, so we decided to go out the next day in order to keep our ritual.

That meal was epic. So many different dishes all as fancy as you could imagine. The prince was as generous as always, but he was more happy than usual. Even Carly was surprised to see him in such a good mood. 

Then came a weird moment.

Carly asked me if I was Ian’s girlfriend because we were so close. I didn’t expect that question. Ian was my brother. I couldn’t see him as anything but that, so it was very weird for my that someone could see something different in our relationship. I explained that to her, and for some reason she apologized. I didn’t understand why, so I told her not to worry.

Then came the finals season. I immersed myself in the books and papers for every subject considered for that semester. Ian let me be, he had to study too.

I managed to get pretty good grades. I was pleased with myself. I might suck at sports, and not be the prettiest but I still had my brain and it delivered. I was even congratulated by the professor I liked the most in that semester.  

Ian did well enough to not fail his classes but his head was focused on the national championship.

After finishing the semester, I took an extra shift at my job in order to get more money. Meanwhile Ian was focusing on training as much as he could, the national championship was right around the corner.

Sometimes the prince and Carly would come to see the weekend’s practices of Ian. He was simply great: he moved so fast that he sometimes seemed like a blur, he was great at shooting triples and dunking the ball, but also amazing when it came to give passes. The ideal player the coach said. I was so proud. 

Then the national championship started.

I went to every game and so did the prince and Carly. Ian’s team kept going forward, even while facing the bigger teams that had better founding and mighty players in general. But the teamwork and will to win in Ian was simply stronger. What could they know about being hungry and lonely in an hellscape, all your family gone just because they were at the wrong place at the wrong time. Ian didn’t play only for himself, or even for the team. He played for those beloved ones fallen when we were children, he played for those hundreds of children that needed asylum. He had had to prove himself useful for the country we lived on, so he played with the conviction that every game he won would tip the scale in favour of other refugees. He was committed to show the world that saving us had been the right decision. And so, he did. They won the national. 

I will always remember the happiness I felt when one of Ian’s teammates dunked the last ball and gave them enough points to win against the biggest university team in the country. The university the prince had attended to.

Everyone was euphoric. Me and Carly hugged while jumping and cheering. Ian had the biggest smile on his face while his teammates lifted him up in the air while chanting his and the team’s name. All players were lifted in similar fashion so it took a while until we could reach Ian to congratulate him.

Kai patted Ian on the back with a wide smile on his face. I jumped and gave him a hug that almost ended with both of us in the floor because I made him lose balance, but he was strong and agile enough to maintain his equilibrium. Carly congratulated him too.

The team was going to celebrate together the victory but they invited the three of us to join them. The prince said that they couldn’t go for some reason I don’t remember, but I guess it was out of courtesy. I had no real reason to say no, so I accepted.

The rest of the team players were really nice. I had met a few of them before that were closer to Ian. One of them named Alex was especially nice to me. We had chatted a few times before, but when alcohol made its effect, he became very talkative. I liked Alex. He was always very nice to me. But even I could tell that at least that night he wasn’t looking for just a friend. For the first time I looked at him with detail. I was still clinging to my infatuation with the prince, so the times we had talked before I had barely registered him. He was tall and fit, as expected from a basketball player. His eyes were the colour of honey, his skin tanned like mine, his hair brown and short in a stylish haircut. He had a strong chin and a straight nose. Honestly, he was quite handsome, and I wondered how came that I hadn’t noticed before.

I thought of it for a while and decided that I would let go for that night. Ian was a champion and clearly more interested to interact with his teammates than with me at the moment, which was absolutely logical.

I flirted with Alex, we exchanged numbers, we talked a lot about different subjects, but we kept coming back to the championship, after all it was the main thing that we had in common besides Ian.

When the celebration ended me and Ian went back home.

We were not half the way back when I got a funny text from Alex. I smiled softly.   

-So… Alex?

Ian asked.

-Uh? Yeah, he just texted me.

I answered distracted.

-You two look cute together.

-Maybe… He’s pretty nice.

-He’s also majoring in biology you know? He’s just a year younger than us.

-Wait, what!? Really?

I was seriously impressed for two main reasons: first he hadn’t mentioned his major, and second, he looked older than me.

-Hahaha... I’m glad that he finally got your number, I was getting tired of saying that he should ask for it directly.

Ian answered with a smirk.

I was surprised, I wouldn’t have expected someone like Alex to be interested in someone like me. I smiled as a warm feeling flood my chest. It wasn’t just the alcohol speaking.

Chapter Text

The following days Alex and I texted each other all day long. I asked about his major, in order to broaden our topics of conversation. He was indeed majoring in biology and was a year younger than me. We would exchange stickers and memes it was a lot of fun. Then he gave a step forward and asked me out for coffee. I accepted flattered. A younger, handsome and successful man had just asked me out. Me: Sarah the wallflower. I made an extra effort to look as pretty as I could. Ian helped me to choose the proper clothes. I watched some make-up tutorials on internet, it took a few trials but I managed to look fine but not overdone.

I went to the date excited but trying to keep myself cool.

He was expecting me out of the subway station. He looked very nice and he was even wearing a jacket. When he said hi with a soft smile on his lips my heart skipped a beat. He was really handsome. And his deep voice was a delight.

The date went as well as a date can go. 

We chatted, we ate, we flirted and when he walked me home, we kissed. My first kiss. I was a late bloomer, what can I say? I omitted that information since it clearly wasn’t his first kiss. We kissed some more until I notice how late it was. He walked with me holding hands until I reached the door of my building. We kissed again, and then we said goodbye.

When I closed the door behind me, I began to take little hops.

 Ian looked at me amused.

-It went well it seems

He said with a smile.

-More than well… I think.

I said smiling myself.

-So, you have a new boyfriend?

-I don’t know if I should assume that… But I can properly say that I’m seeing someone.

I giggled.

He laughed, came towards me and gave me a pat in the head.

-I like Alex. He is a nice, proper, decent guy. You two have my blessing.

Ian said with a solemn voice but a playful smile.

I began to laugh out loud and he laughed with me.

It was a happy occasion.

-So now I have to find a proper, decent, nice girl for you?

I asked jokingly.

-I think that I better do that myself… I fear that you would never find anyone that you deem to be good enough for me… Am I wrong?

He was right. He was my closest confidant, my best friend, my brother. We shared everything and had survived because we had each other. I would never deem someone good enough for him, there will always be a “but”.  Then I thought that Alex had to be a REALLY good guy to have been able to pass through Ian’s filter. I felt even more happy. I hugged Ian we stayed like that for a while. Then we went to sleep, but before getting on my bed I checked my phone, Alex had sent me a good night kiss and a funny sticker of his face, I smiled and sent him I kiss. I slept amazingly that night, everything was great.

I spent the next two days texting with Alex, then he asked me for a second date. I gladly accepted.

We went to see a movie. I had many restrictions when it came to movies: no slashers, no zombie movies, no natural catastrophe movies, no Kaiju movies and of course no war movies. I’d also learnt to avoid superhero blockbusters because those too would show the destruction of cities and piles of dead or wounded people, even if that wasn’t the main focus. Those kinds of films would trigger memories from when I was trapped in the warzone and my lost family. Alex understood when I explained him that I just couldn’t control the flashbacks.

He hugged me and told me to choose whatever I wanted.

Even considering my restrictions I’m a big fan of horror movies, especially the religious kind. Give me possessions, give me demons or ghosts I can take them with no trouble. So, I ended choosing a horror movie about a man possessed by a ghost.

The movie was fun, but I discovered that Alex was easy to spook. He would hold my hand tighter in the intense parts of the movie. When we came out, he was a bit pale.

-Remind me to add possession movies to the list of films that I can’t watch.

He said jokingly but with a soft voice.   

-I promise to honour that restriction.

I said playfully.

We went to eat something while chatting about the movie.

I ate a piece of cheesecake and a cup of tea, and Alex chocolate cake with a milkshake and then a sandwich. He ate a lot, I guess keeping such a tall body was expensive when it came to calories.

I learned a lot about him. He came from a wealthy family and had stood out due to his talent to basketball, but he was more a nerd than a jock, so he kept focusing in his studies beside his training.

He knew a bit of my story due to his conversations with Ian about his past, but he wanted to know more. I felt a bit awkward talking about the subject in such a good day, so I told him that I would rather save it for later. He agreed and apologized for pressuring me. I hadn’t felt pressured so I told him he had done nothing to apologize for. 

When we were at the entrance of my building, he kissed me softly and gingerly placed his hand on my cheek.

-Sarah would you be my girlfriend?

He asked gently while looking straight into my eyes. A warm feeling filled my chest.

-Yes! That would be awesome.

I answered with a smile.

We kissed again.

When I got to the apartment I apparently was glowing, or so said Ian.

I had a boyfriend. A smart, talented, sweet and very handsome boyfriend.

Chapter Text

Time flew by and soon I was starting my final year at university. I was still working and dating Alex. He was very serious about our relationship. About three weeks after he officially asked me to be his girlfriend, he introduced me to his family. They were friendly, but I could tell that I wasn’t what his father had expected. I decided that I wouldn’t mention that to Alex, it was pointless to begin with and I had the hope that I would manage to earn his father’s approval eventually.  

Alex lived by himself in an apartment near the campus. We would go there to spend time together and also to study. I would help him with some subjects that were harder for him. I really enjoyed being with him. He was gentle, respectful and loving. But there was a considerable distance when it came to relationships experience. He was my first everything, meanwhile I was clearly not his. Our first time having sex was better than I could have imagined. He lighted some nice scent candles and played soft romantic music. It was a bit corny, but considering how nervous I was it seemed appropriate.

I tried to relax, but I couldn’t calm my breathing and my body was tense as a bow string.

Alex obviously noticed so he decided to go even slower. We had done some foreplay previously, so he already knew a bit of how my body reacted to certain moves and things that made me feel good. He asked me if I wanted a massage and I nod, that sounded perfectly nice. He began to massage my shoulders first softly and tenderly, but slowly increasing the intensity. As he reached a critical spot I moaned.

My body began to relax as Alex kept massaging me. I laid on the bed face down in order to allow him to better reach my back. As he moved his hands through my back caressing me, I felt how my body began to relax. He began to kiss me in the back following the trail of my spine, while he kept caressing my body. I couldn’t help but moan, it felt really good.

-Should I go on?

He asked me softly.

-Please…

I whispered. 

He then went down. I felt the touch of his tongue on my nether regions and shivered. It felt good, so good that I couldn’t help but moaning louder and louder, then I came. A lightning bolt of pleasure went up my spine. Alex kissed me and whispered loving words while caressing my face softly.  

-Is it ok if I enter?

He asked softly.

-Yes, I think I’m ready.

I turned around and laid on my back, he kissed me again. Then he put on a condom. He was so delicate and worried about that I had good time that it barely hurt when he entered. It was a weird sensation to have him inside of me. I felt full, I mean he was big, but it wasn’t only that. He stood still for a few seconds while looking straight into my eyes.

-Is it ok if I move?

He asked gently.

I nod and he began to move very slowly. The sensation of being connected to him in a physical way felt really weird. My body started to react as he began to move faster. He kept his eyes looking straight into mine. He started to moan and it was sexy as hell. His beautiful face started to contort signalling that he was going to come. I placed my hand on his cheek and smiled softly as he smiled back.

I felt him pulsating inside me as he came. He rushed to get out of me. He took out the condom and cleaned himself. Then he lay down next to me and held me with his strong muscular arms.

-Was it ok?

He asked with a small voice.

-Very nice I must say

I answered reassuringly. I can’t say that I orgasmed, but it was still very nice. I felt loved, cared for and happy.

Alex was essentially the perfect boyfriend. He was so good that a part of me feared that it was a façade.

But he had passed through Ian’s filter so I could trust him. Right? Right.

Now I had two reasons to go to Ian and Alex’s team matches so I wouldn’t miss a single one. Sometimes I would see the prince and Carly and we would keep our ritual of going to eat after the matches, only now Alex would pay sometimes.

Sadly, some months into the semester the prince and Carly broke up. I was sad because I really liked her, even more since I was with Alex and Kai had become just another human living in the world. I kept talking with Carly for a while until life went on and we grew apart. The prince was nonchalant about the whole situation. Carly told me that the breakup was due to her wanting to live with Kai. She was ready to go further in the relationship and he wasn’t. She had grown tired of his excuses and decided to end things, I felt sad for the prince, but I understood Carly.   

Meanwhile me and Alex were essentially living together at his apartment. Ian seemed ok with all the situation, especially because he had started dating a girl and he was grateful to have a place to bring her to. Her name was Monica, a really nice petite girl with brown hair and blue eyes, with fair skin and a sweet face. I liked her, she made Ian happy, she would join us at the games and sometimes cook sweets for all of us to enjoy. She was Ian’s first true girlfriend. At school he had dated a few other girls, but nothing serious, yet I could tell that he had a type because those girls looked an awful lot like Monica.

-So now the family has grown a bit bigger, hasn’t it?

I asked Ian one day.

-It seems so, I like the new members

He answered we a smile.

-Look at us functional adults going forward in life.

I said jokingly

-Who would have thought it

He answered with a smirk.

And so, the months passed by in between of classes, work and basketball matches.

Chapter Text

My last finals came and went and I graduated university with distinction. Ian was recognized as the MVP of the team after they won the regionals and the national championship again. I would never forget how euphorically me, the prince and Monica cheered from the stands. A recruiter from one of the biggest teams in the country enlisted him and so Ian became a professional basketball player.

I managed to find a new job at small company that made consultancies in environmental subjects, I had specialized in plants so I was a botany consultant, which meant that I had to analyse different plants and the compounds hidden within them. A dream job for someone like me.

Since both me and Ian had decent paying jobs and partners, we left our tiny apartment and went to live with them. I would still go to Alex’s team games, and now also to Ian’s matches in our city, since he had moved to a bigger team now he had to play in other cities and I couldn’t go to those matches. I would see the prince once in a while. He got a new girlfriend I just can’t remember her name, but she was very physically similar to Carly.

While living with Alex I found out that Monica used to feel threatened by me, due to how close we were with Ian. And that now that we weren’t living together anymore their relationship had improved considerably. It all seemed ridiculous to me, Ian and I were essentially siblings. We would have never thought of the other something beyond that.

After a long while trying I had managed to get the approval of Alex’s father. It seemed that he had thought that I was with him for his money or something like that. But once I got my job, he understood that it was never an issue to begin with.

I was happy at my job. I was happy with Alex. I was happy in general. And yet I was terribly afraid. Everything was working well, a bit too well. Old trauma came to torment me, I feared that suddenly everything would collapse over me, just how it had happened back when I was a little child. I started to have panic attacks. Alex would hold me until I calmed down and kiss me in the forehead assuring me that everything was ok, and was going to stay ok. But when the attacks came at work, he wasn’t there to calm me down. I would write to Ian and he would navigate me through the intrusive thoughts and it would help in general, but sometimes I would end up crying at the bathroom. Eventually I decided that it was time to look for help and started going to therapy.

It helped a lot, but was harder than I would have expected. Examining trauma is never easy, it moves things inside you and things get worse before they get better. Unsurprisingly I got diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder, quite logical considering my life history. The psychologist recommended that I went to a psychiatrist in order to get medication for my panic attacks. It took me a while to decide to do it, I was afraid of depending on medication, but I ended up accepting that it was the best course of action. The meds worked marvels and I managed to keep myself together. Both Ian and Alex were very relieved to see me well again.

Alex was getting closer to his last finals and I helped him study, he was very smart so it was easy, but he was really anxious. He had got a bad grade at a test and it had messed him up. Apparently, he had never failed at anything since he was a little child so he got very insecure. He passed with flying colours.

When he got his diploma, we went to celebrate with his family and he made a point to remark to them that I had helped him prepare during the whole process. His mother was very thankful, his father smiled pleased. His siblings already liked me, and his younger brother said something about me being a very good influence. I thought that Alex shouldn’t downplay his own merits, but he was convinced that I was key in his success.

Then came the basketball regionals. I went to every match accompanied by Ian and Monica. Alex made a great performance, but you could feel Ian’s absence, the team clearly was no longer at its prime. Nonetheless they managed to classify to the national. We went to cheer the team every game, but they didn’t manage to get to the final. Alex was disappointed but resigned at the same time, he was the first to point out that without Ian the team just wasn’t that strong.

That night he cried in my arms he was really frustrated. I held him tight as I caressed his face delicately. He fell sleep in my embrace and I looked at his beautiful face until I fell sleep too.

Chapter Text

Alex soon found a job and we were able to pay for the apartment without his parents help. I was happy because it felt awkward to depend on them to have roof over my head. Living with him was great, we complimented each other, we were a team. But time went by.

We both were constantly tired due to our jobs. I had my panic attacks under control with the medication and was well evaluated at work. He was new at his so he felt like he was constantly under surveillance.

I would meet with Ian at least once every two weeks, besides seeing him at his team games when they were at our city, otherwise I would watch them on the tv. I would also see the prince at the games. Now I could pay for dinner and I would do so as much as I could. Kai first refused to let me do it, but eventually understood that it wasn’t negotiable. I had to pay him back for years of invitations. So, it would be me and Alex, Ian and Monica and the prince and his current girlfriend at the moment after the matches. We would chat and laugh. Once in a while the prince’s girlfriend would change. I had learned to not get attached to them since Carly. He wasn’t really good at keeping enduring relationships, the only constant was that all of his girlfriends looked very alike.

The time went by, Alex started to feel more at place at his job. I was worried because the company I worked at was having financial trouble, and my job was at stake. I decided to look for a new job, and without knowing it I ended applying for the prince’s company. I got a position on it and I took it. I said goodbye to my old colleagues and left to greener pastures.

My first day at my job I found out that my boss was no other than the prince. I almost laughed out loud. I didn’t saw that coming.

When I told Ian about it, he found it hilarious.

Alex wasn’t so pleased. Silly me, I had told him about my crush on him when we were kids. I luckily had omitted the fact that the crush had lasted for a lot more than my early childhood. He felt a little threatened by Kai, which was obviously pointless because I was madly in love with Alex. He eventually calmed down, but it was the first time we had a real fight.

The prince itself was amused to see me around. We weren’t friends, but were more than acquittances. So, we would talk a bit more than regular coworkers, but not that much since he being the head of the lab meant that he had to be at many places all at once.

Sometimes we would have lunch together, but very sparsely in order to avoid rumours. A newcomer shouldn’t be that close to their boss.

My other coworkers were nice, mainly men, we were only two females at the lab out of nine employees plus the prince. The other female was named Nina, and was older than me. I would soon learn that she wasn’t exactly a fan of Kai, she thought he has smug and way too obsessive when it came to the results of our analysis. I thought it was perfectly normal, but it seems that the former boss was more relaxed. Nina was also annoyed that a younger person was in a position of authority over her. Me and Kai were the youngest at the lab. I quickly understood that if I wanted no trouble with Nina, I should keep my head down and never contradict her. The problem was that I’m not that kind of person, so I ended up clashing with her more than once. Lucky for me, my male coworkers didn’t get along with Nina either.

In work I kept to myself, I didn’t want any trouble. In my private life me and Ian started to meet at least once a week. He had broken up with Monica. It was messy breakup. At first Alex was as worried for Ian as I was but, as time passed, he started to complain about me seeing him too much.

I didn’t let those complains go any further. My friendship... My brotherhood with Ian was longer and stronger than any other relationship I'd ever had and ever would have. If Alex wanted me in his life it was going to be with Ian included no matter if he was single or not.  

Alex let it go. For someone so handsome and so smart he was truly insecure.

After a few months Ian started to date a very nice girl named Lisa, and Alex calmed down for real. Ian was no longer a threat for him, as long as he had a partner he wouldn’t be. That annoyed me a bit, but I like to choose my battles so I let it go.

Chapter Text

When Ian started to date Lisa, we went back to seeing each other about every two weeks, but kept talking everyday by chat.

I was worried about Alex; he was having a rough time at work and was really stressed. I tried to contain him and did my best to show him support and love. But he started to shutter and go somewhere in his head that I couldn’t reach. I begged him to go to therapy. He was very reluctant but I managed to convince him using my own experience as reference. He knew it had helped me a lot, and knew how hard my case was, but he insisted that he wouldn’t be taking meds.

I was so overjoyed that he was going to accept help that I didn’t mind. I wish I had.

In therapy he opened up, or so he told me. But the time went by and he didn’t seem to go through any progress. We began to fight more frequently and he was really hostile. I tried to reach him but just couldn’t. One day at a fight he revealed that he was not going to therapy, he had lied to me. About three months had gone by since he first told me he was going to go. I felt like the floor was taken away from me. He had lied to my face. He had lied for months. And he said it as it was nothing. I cried so much that he panicked and started to apologize. But it was too late. I couldn’t forgive such deception. I wrote to Ian that I needed to crash on his sofa, made a bag with my more essential possessions -including my teddy bear- and left. Alex ran after me through the hallway on my way to the elevator. He was apologizing and begging me to stay, I was so hurt that I kept weeping while I walked, but I wouldn’t look at him.

I stayed at Ian’s for a few weeks while I found a new place to live. Alex kept trying to get back together with me, but I just couldn’t. Ian went with me to get the stuff that I hadn’t brought with me. Alex spent the whole time begging me to come back, asking Ian to convince me that he was a good guy. I knew he was a good guy in general, but a very dumb one too apparently. You are allowed to be afraid; you are allowed to your own rhythms but you don’t lie to your partner like that.

I left the apartment knowing that I would have to craft a life again from my ashes. I had done it before. I had done it in way worse situations. I was a survivor. A true survivor. But damn it, it hurt to lose Alex.