Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Sand doesn't know when it happened.

When one toothbrush became two, when someone elses keys hung beside his, when his other nightstand was in constant use.

He isnt sure when he started setting the table for two, or when he began perking up when he heard keys jangle and the door unlock.

Nor quite when he began searching the audience for someone, or when that someone began taking him home and laying him down just right.

Ray had done something to Sand, changed his days and nights and life itself until it was something completely new.

He had shone a light into Sands life he never knew he had craved so badly, the way the warmth encompassed him in gentle sun rays, in Ray.

Time was gentle to their love, holding them
both closely with the sweetest of touches.

Ray had graduated college shortly after Sand, Sand deciding to focus more on writing his own music, a notion he never had thought of untill one night where Ray was tracing his fingers along Sands stomach, smiling so sweetly as he told Sand he should write his own music if it was half as sweet as the little love letters Sand scrabbled on paper during anniversaries.

Ray had followed a different path from the buisness and economics he had studied in college. He had grown fond of the social work he did during his time at rehab, and one thing lead to another.

Now Ray was a teacher to a middle school where he taught an pre-economics class during the weekdays.

They had fallen into something domestic and sweet, Sand cooking dinner and setting the table as Ray walked through the door from teaching, exaughstion plastered on his face.

They would sit and talk about their days, their worries, their concerns. Some days they would just eat quietly with little hurried glances and devour each other instead of whatever desert Sand managed to cook up.

Eventually they would move out of Sands shitty apartment, and instead buy a tiny house just outside the city but close enough for their commutes.

They would cover the walls with memories, and fill the home with objects of their affection for eachother that always seemed to grow and grow, and they were happy.

Though, at some point, Sand began to feel something creeping up on him. The days at home when the singer had off, he felt a sense of cold.

The house was full of love, but Sand kept feeling like something was missing, the feeling aching deep in his chest as he frowned, swirling whatever was in his glass in his hand.

“Sand?” Nicks voice jostled Sand out of his head, a soft hum escaping him as he looked up at Nick who was sitting across from him.

The old roommate was now living deeper in the ciry and working at an actual tech job. He was happy and Sand could see it on his face, and on the ring that reflected the light on his ring finger.

Occasionally, on the slower days, the two make the time to catch up, a devotion to their friendship that had gotten them both through their college romance lives.

“Hm?” Sand hummed as he sat his glass down, the ice forming a layer of water ontop from where he hadnt touched it.

“Whats on your mind? Youre never this quiet.” Nick said softly as he reached out and placed his hand over Sands knee, giving a little squeeze.

Sand welcomed it, comfortable with the platonic touches the two always shared. “I dont know honestly.” Sand spoke as he leaned back against the chair, his back pressing against the cool material.

“Lately i just, keep feeling like somethings missing.” Sand said softly as he fiddled with his fingers in his lap, trying to avoid eye contact with Nick.

He knew the married man would see right through him, and he knew he would know what was truly eating away at him, even if he had pushed it so far down.

“You miss him, dont you?” Nick sighed as he rubbed his thumb over Sands knee, Sand nodding rappidly as he looked down.

“Hes happy, and i know i should be happy too, but hes gone during the day and im here in this cold house by myself and its just, sad.” Sand said so delicately, Nick humming in aproval at Sand speaking his mind.

“I understand.” Nick said softly as he leaned back, crossing his arms. “Sometimes our house gets to quiet for me on my days off, and its normal to feel that way.” Nick smiled as Sand looked up at him. “Its okay to miss him, and its okay to feel lonely.”

Sand nodded with a smile, comforted that someone understands how he feels, and looks back down at the drink in his glass, feeling a little resigned.

Maybe thats how he ended up here now, standing in the dog adoption center with Ray who he somehow convinced that they needed a dog.

Ray, begrudgingly accepted, a slight inkling he knew that Sand was just starting to feel lonely.

And now here they sat on the floor of their living room, Ray sitting on the couch working on curriculum on his computer as he looked fondly at Sand, who was sitting on the floor cooing at the shaggy Golden Retriever that Sand had chosen.

He named him Sea, a contrast to his own name Sand, and spoiled him rotten.

The ache had soothed, blurring at the edges slightly, but it still remained.

Sand didnt know what was missing, or why his chest constricted tightly everytime Ray left for work and closed the door, leaving Sand in the house.

Though, he was about to find out.

—

Sand tapped his foot anxiously on the ground, sitting in the pale white of the hospital as he waited for his Moms regular checkup to finish.

He hated hospitals, especially after the night he had ended up in here with Ray after his car accident.

To ease his anxiety he decided to stand, beginning to pace, and then beginning to walk. He wasnt sure where he was going, he just knew he was walking in some direction.

it was a few minutes before he stopped, turning his head to the wide glass window beside him as his eyes softened.

Somehow, Sand had wandered into the obstetrics unit at some point, he must have, because he was standing staring at the room of little bundles of life all cradled gently in their beds.

It finally clicked in his chest, and his knees felt like they were going to buckle under him. This is what he was wanting.

He was wanting a family.

—

It was late when Ray got home that night, later than usual but Sand knew that he was stopping by his dads house first as Ray never saw him much anymore.

Ray hummed softly as he walked inside, hanging his keys on the holder by the door as he walked behind Sand, arms tucking under his waist and pulling him against him as Sand chuckled.

He was cooking still, hands working diligently as Ray hooked his chin over Sands shoulder to watch, and to breathe him in.

They stayed in their little bubble for a long time, eating together, Ray washing the dishes and Sand cleaning off the table, secretly feeding a peice of meat from the meal to Sea, who wagged his tail happily.

They ended up in their room, Ray laying back on the bed and Sand drapped over him like a blanket almost as he breathed in tandem with the other.

Ray carded his hands through Sands hair, feeling the pull of tension out of Sand as he let out little sighs of relief.

“Ray?” Sand spoke so softly that Ray almost didn't hear him. He turned his head a little so he could see Sand better before responding a soft “Yes?”

“Have you ever thought of starting a family with me?” Sand asked with the softest look in his eyes that almost knocked the breath out of Rays lungs as he gently touched Sands cheeks, feeling the little tears there.

Ray wonders how hard it must have been for Sand to say those words , how long he must have been thinking about it.

“Yes, I have.” Ray responded with a gentle kiss to Sands cheek, and then his mouth, and then down.

They made love that night, Sands tear stained cheeks and vows of love holding Rays heart in such a gentle touch that he didnt think he could ever think of anything that wasnt Sand.

—

It had been a few months now since Sand and Rays conversation of family, and it had opened the door to a whole new reality of ideas.

They often discussed adoption choices, and Ray would set out a plan of how they would care for a child, the costs, the changes to their lives.

It was all so comforting and scary all at once, Sand so scared but so happy he couldnt describe it at all.

They decided not to tell their friends what they were doing behind the scenes, not yet atleast, when they barely knew what they were doing themselves.

Adoption was a long process, and they didnt see a point in making a big fuss of something that may not have even worked out.

But, as Ray dropped his phone from his ear in the middle of the kitchen during a warm day in spring, his hands trembling as Sand looked up at him with concern, concern morphing into something different as he saw the tears falling down Rays cheeks as he rappidly nodded.

They ended up scrambling into the car, Sand putting the car seat they had bought a few weeks back when they finally found an adoption mother, and they drove to the hospital hand in hand.

Sand didnt know how to describe what he felt when he stood in the white walls of the hopsital, but it wasnt fear anymore as he looked down at the little bundle of life in his arms. Rays arms bracketed under Sands as he looked at the little girl so fondly.

She was theirs, and they were hers. He knew it as she blinked open her little green eyes and made the softest cooing sound that had Sand let out a sob he didnt know he was holding in as he looked up at Ray with the softest look in his eyes.

Ray swears he saw the rest of his life in those eyes as his own tears began falling again and he held his little family closer to his chest, careful not to squish their little girl between them.

They named her Sonnet, and they went home that day more than just two boyfriends with ambition and dreams. They went home a family, as Ray drove the car more carefully than he ever had in his life, eyes glancing at the rear view mirror to catch Sand looking down at Sonnet with something in his eyes he decided he wanted to see for the rest of his life.

So yeah, Sand isnt sure when it happened.

But now, two tooth brushes are accompanied by a pacifer. Two car keys are accompanied by toy keys that Sonnet chews on for hours.

The bedroom is full with a bed and a bassinet, nightstand crowded with empty bottles and baby wipes.

Morning walks include a dog leash and a stroller, and the warmth of spring blooms flowers in the softest parts of Sands soul when he hears the little sounds of the little girl in the stroller.

His daughter.

Coats are mixed with onsies and trash is occupied by diapers, and suddenly theres a space in his house and his heart for the two extra things following him in his house.

And as the morning starts, Sand prepares two cups of coffee, two plates of food, a bowl of dog food, and a warm baby bottle, and he realizes that the pain of loneliness is gone.

And he isnt sure when it happened.

Chapter Text

The clock was blinking a red light into the room, softly illuminating Sands features as he stared at the ceiling.

He should be asleep, he should.

But here he was, staring at the ceiling and holding the baby monitor close to him.

It was the first night with Sonnet in the house.

Ray had an arm tucked around him, himself fast asleep as he had been for a few hours now.

Sand just couldnt rest, couldnt relax with their daughter in another room.

He knew co-sleep wasnt always safe, especially since him and Ray shared a bed, but the idea of their daughter being so far away?

Sand clutched the monitor tighter in his hands as he turned his head.

3:12 am.

He groaned, running a hand through his hair as he gently untucked himself from Rays grasp, a difficult mission in itself.

Ray made a noise when Sand untucked himself from his arms, but rolled over in resolution and seemed to fall back into deep sleep, evident by his snores.

Once he was free, he swung his legs over the edge of the bed, telling himself he was just taking a few deep breaths.

Really thats all it was supposed to be.

Though, suddenly he was standing, and he was moving, step by step till he pushed open the door of the nursery.

Sand immediately let out a sigh of relief when he saw Sonnet still tucked in her swaddler, soft little hands clutching the stuffed bunny she didnt even comprehend yet.

Sand smiled, looking down at the little girl with the sweetest expression. He couldnt describe the love he felt for her, something so deep in his bones, maybe his very being as he sighed.

The sound woke the girl sleeping so soundly, little eyes blinking awake into the world as she made a little cooing noise, curious of why Sand was standing over her.

Sand smiled and hummed, gently scooping her up and sitting down in the rocking chair beside the cradle.

Slowly, with one leg, he gently rocked them back and forth, holding her so tight but so gentle at the same time, like if he squeezed too tight shed disapear.

Sonnet looked up at him like he was the greatest most interesting thing in the whole world, and oddly, it was enough.

Just knowing that this girl, their daughter, was safe in his arms was comfort enough for the rest of his days.

When he glanced at the clock again, seeing the red numbers of 4:00 am, he decided to hum softly, a little gentle noise as he rocked them.

For the first time since they brought her home that morning, he felt okay. Like this was enough, and maybe, just maybe, it was.

Even if Sand never got to go to sleep that night.

————-

“Where did you go last night?” Ray asked suddenly, causing Sand to look up from where he was bottle feeding Sonnet.

Sea laid on the floor by the table, having eaten his dog food already, tail curled around him as he stayed close to the Bassinet.

“Oh, i went to the nursery, Sonnet was awake.” Sand said softly as he cooed at the little girl who cooed right back.

“Sand.” Ray said after a second, his voice stern with the kind of authority he would use with his students.

Sand blinked for a moment before looking up, his eyes locking with Rays for just a moment.

“You cant hold her to sleep everynight baby.” Ray said softly as his hand reached and placed itself over Sands in a gentle way.

Sands expression fell softly as he looked up at Ray, who soothingly rubbed his thumb over the top of his hand.

“I dont want her to be alone.” Sand spoke softly, his hold on Sonnet tightening just the slightest bit as he spoke.

Ray nodded and scooted his chair closer, placing a hand over where Sands other hand held onto Sonnet, a gentle coo escaping him as he looked at the little girl.

“I know Sand, i know.” Ray said softly as he looked up at Sand, his other hand coming up and gently cupping his chin.

“But you cant do.. this.. every night.” Ray frowned, Sand sighing softly as he gently laid Sonnet down in the bassinet that sat by the kitchen table.

“I know, im sorry.” Sand said as he kept his head down, hands fidling and fidgeting with eachother as Ray cupped Sands face.

“This is new for both of us, and its gonna be rocky, but we have eachother.” Ray smiled, thumb tracing across Sands cheekbone, causing Sand to smile just a little.

“We will always have eachother.” Ray spoke once more, gently pressing his forehead against Sands, Sand letting out a breath he didnt even know he was holding.

And for now, it was enough. Having eachother was enough.

—————

Its been two weeks now.

Ray finally returned to work in his classroom, and had left Sand with the task of grocery shopping, something simple for his first day alone with the baby.

Sand walked through the local store, the carseat setting in the cart as he walked, Sonnet sleeping soundly under a soft pink blanket.

He couldnt help himself from checking every now and then, just to make sure she was alright, or that her blanket wasnt too close to her face, or-

Sand groaned, hand combing through his hair as he took some deep breaths. The anxiety he felt was taking a toll on him, and he didnt know how to handle it.

Gently, he patted his cheeks with both his hands, shaking his head. “Youve got this.” He muttered to himself as he pulled up the grocery list he was tasked with.

Things were going well for a while, Sand almost done with the shopping when he stopped to grab a milk carton, stopping in his tracks when he heard a familiar voice.

“Sand?”

Sand looked up to see Top standing a few feet away, looking perplexed as to why Sand was putting his milk into a cart with a baby.

Top himself had changed with time. He was a bit more scruffy, stubble and peach fuzz stuck to his jawline these days. Muscles faded slightly with a weight of the years.

He had a stroller in front of him, a boy Sand recognized as Tops son sitting in it fast asleep. He was covered by a blanket with little sharks on it.

Top and Mew had decided to adopt about a year into the relationship, the two happy as ever with a full family to themselves.

Mew was gone most of the time though for work, so Top settled into working from home and caring for their little boy, and he couldn't be happier.

Sand blinked for a few moments before giving an awkward wave, his eyes darting away from Top who was walking over now.

“Do you want to explain why you have someones baby?” Top hummed as he crossed his arms, locking the stroller into place.

Sands hand came to the back of his neck as he began to panic a little. They werent telling their friends yet, but now here Top was in front of him and probably a few seconds from calling the missing kids center.

“Shes my daughter.” Sand said softly, looking at the ground so he didnt have to see the look on Tops face, but he could feel it.

“Really?” Top asked as he garnered Sands attention, getting him to look up at him. “I didnt know the adoption was finalized.” He said softly.

Sand sighed as he fiddled with his hands. “They called two weeks ago, we decided not to tell anyone yet so we could adjust.”

“I understand.” Top said as he motioned towards the cart where Sonnet was still snuggled into her carseat. “Can i see her?” He asked softly.

Soft wasnt something Sand heard from Top often, the tone reserved for Mew or for their kid, but he could tell this was a delicate moment.

Sand nodded, allowing Top to come closer.

Top sighed softly as he looked at the little one, fingers clutching the little pink blanket in her hands and soft brown tufts of hair growing in in the form of swirls.

“She looks like you.” Top said after a moment, Sand blinking a few times as he registered the words.

“Yeah, i guess she does.” Sand said softly as he looked at Sonnet, then Top. The warm fondness in Tops eyes as he looked at the child, the same fondess he used with his son, helped something click in Sand.

This girl was going to grow up loved by so many.

And suddenly, Sand couldn't wait to introduce her to the rest of their friends, to let Sonnet meet her aunties and uncles of college buddies.

It warmed something in him as Top cooed at Sonnet, whose little eyes looked at him with curiosity, maybe a little disgust at the beard he was growing.

Sand smiled softly, hands no longer fidgeting as he looked at her with all the love in the world, loving her little brown hairs more than ever.

Maybe they did look alike.

Maybe they were alike more than Sand thought.

Maybe Sand didnt have to be scared that she would be alone like he was.

And maybe that was enough, for now.