Archive of Our Own ^beta

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Things had been slow as of late. Not a bad kind of slow, just, slow. Everyone had found their rhythm. Damien and Lasko had stuck to their teaching and administrative jobs, Huxley had excelled in landscaping and growing in his own element, Gavin had started taking on his own work, helping demons get used to Damn and elegy in general and i was well, just stuck. I had a semester left until I graduated with full certification, life felt dull, not empty, just dull. Everyone was busy living life well. I stayed slumped over in a class room, barely being able to keep my eyes open. I wanted more, and somehow nothing more at all. 

I think they were starting to notice my emptiness. It was apparent in my appearance and probably in my aura and feeling too. But I couldn't explain to them why. Why I was so drained, why everything was so dull, because to them, it wouldn't make sense. I was losing my friends just like i had lost him, my sweet little boy.

Classes ended like usual. A blur of students and staff slowly leaving the building as I got lost in the sea of backpacks and unfamiliar faces. My phone buzzed in my pocket as I slipped out one of the side doors. Damiens icon lit up my phone. “Hey, im just about to leave the admin building, you're just getting out right? Need me to drive you home?” A faint smile passed my face as I read the message. “I’m good, i just called a cab so no use canceling it now. Text me when you're home k?” Three dots popped up before his next reply appeared “Okay. I’ll text you once I'm back at the house, we're still good for this weekend right? Huxley has been going on and on about the trail he wants to go on before it gets cold” My heart stopped. Right, those plans..

“Yeah, it's still on for this weekend. Gavins just got new ‘hiking’ boots” Damien sent a thumbs up as a response as I slipped into the cab. I felt bad lying, well I wasn't technically lying. Gavin would probably still go even after today though it would be more memorable than a fun group trip. 

The cab was quiet. The radio hummed in the background as we drove through rush hour traffic. The driver thankfully didn't make any comments as we drove, god knows i wouldn't have lasted if they did. I paid in cash, not that I needed to. It's not i needed to, using my card wouldn't have made a difference but i had it on me so it felt right to use it. Gavin wouldn't be home until later tonight, so I had a few hours to spend preparing. Dinner didn't have to be made so all I had to do was finish my letters. Each person had a letter, written by me, with something small inside. I had paid off a few months of rent for Gavin, our lease hadn't been renewed in case he wanted to move, but it gave him time to grieve and pack things up if he didn't want our home. Lasko had a few mementos of our time together and a sweet note, a few small things for dear as well. It was a pity I wouldn't get to know them better but, I know things will get better for them. Huxley and Damien had their own notes with small things as well. Huxley got his jersey back with signatures and a horribly amazing photo of the two of us after a hike, red in the face and looking like we had fought an angry god. Damien had something similar, photos of us on a “Class trip” which i didnt know D.A.M.N even did. One of him with paint on his face before he smeared some on mine. I had sobbed writing them and placing photos inside each envelope. I wrote one to caelum as well, i didnt have any photos of us, at least none i knew he was definitely in. Things had gotten more fuzzy as time passed without being able to see him. Gavin had tried to explain it like forgetting an imaginary friend…but he was more than that…..

I think?

I set the letters into our side table next to the bed as I sat next to our bathtub. An explanation letter set on the sink as the room seemed to swallow me whole. Mixed in with the explanation as to why I was doing all of this were funeral preparations and a bit of want when it came to anything to do with my ashes. In all truth, I didn't want to leave. I love them. I love Gavin, I don't want to leave them, but it was just all too much. I’d hidden a few bottles of old medication. Back from when I was religiously taking sleeping pills after Vega’s interruption in our lives. I’d stopped taking them but had kept the old refills just…because? I hadn't intended on using them for this, or really ever but this felt like a good use. 

They went down well enough in small handfuls. Each one felt like regret and peace. By the time the bottle was empty, regret was settling in hard. I loved them too much to do this, to crush them just as things were going back to normal. “This is selfish freelancer. You're being selfish.” A voice echoed in my head; and it was right, I was being selfish. Bile pooled in my throat as the urge to vomit overwhelmed me but nothing came up for a minute. Tears brimmed in my eyes as I debated making myself vomit in hopes I could reverse this. But I knew, what's done is done. I slinked back to lean against the wall, but almost immediately recoiled to puke in the toilet. My throat burned as my vision blurred and started to fade.

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To my dearest Gavin, I knew this day would come eventually but I always thought I would be old and withered with you by my bedside, but that's not how this ends. I love you more than I thought possible, and I wouldn't be where I am today without you. You are my light, my life in so many ways, and I wish this wasn't goodbye. Please know this isn't your fault, and it never will be, you’re the reason I was here for so long. You're perfect in so many ways, and just because you're you. Stay with them, keep doing what you love by helping others just as you have me. Love caelum and take care of him for me. You're my favorite person, demon, my boyfriend, husband and my love until the end of earth, and then all the way to Aria and back. I’ll find you in another life, wait for me, please. <3

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Dear Damien

I've probably written this note a dozen times because I can never get them right but you understand my babbling anyways. I love you, You were one of my first true friends at Damn and I don't think I would've had the confidence to do much of anything without you. You've given me the confidence to do so much in life and will always be grateful for the time we've had together. You've grown so much and I'm so glad I got to be a part of your life. I’m sorry things are ending like this, but it's no one's fault. I love you so much and ill always take care of you even if I'm not there to bug you after meetings or during late night study sessions. Until we meet again, i love you

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Dear huxley

You've always been an amazing friend and person. I wouldn't have had the courage to report Kody without your help; and you were honestly the glue that held our little group in place at first. I’ll always be so grateful that I met you in the field that day. You are such an important part of my life and I'm so grateful you let me be part of yours. I love you so much and I wish I could see more of the man you become. I’ll always be here in one way or another, keep an eye out of a butterfly in the off season. I’ll always be keeping an eye out for you all, and I won't miss anything. I love you so much, I’ll see you again.

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Dear Lasko

I’m so proud of you and I wish I could've snuck into more of your lectures, but time flies. I’m so glad you've found someone who makes you truly happy and I wish you both the best. I couldn't ask for a better introduction to this wacky world of magic, you were always there to listen to my midnight rants about how confusing classes were or about Gavin being weirdly good at everything. I couldn't have asked for a better person to learn from and grow with. You'll always be my person, one of the few who understand what magic was like for me. I’m so glad that you've stayed part of my life. I love you so much and will always be here in one way or another. I love you so much