Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

For the record, Misha wanted it to be known that he thought this idea was not going to end well.

In fact, he didn’t even know why he was the one who the team had voted to make the call in the first place. It had been Demoman’s idea to try and contact Scout and Sniper while they were away after all. Spy had been the only one to not vote, opting to instead scowl and slink off to wherever it was in the base he normally resided.

The Doctor was also not present for the polling. He had been excited about a recent development in his lab and Misha had threatened severe punishment to whomever dared interrupt that joy. The heavy weapons specialist would always protect his Doctor.

Thus with four teammates down, Misha was roped into joining the decision as the tie breaker…with apparently the clause that he would automatically be the individual making the phone call.

The Russian man found himself sitting on the large couch in the base’s common room, grumbling to himself as the four other members of the team sat around him. He pulled his phone from the confines of his tactical vest, the sheer size of him blocking the view of the others as he searched up his contacts.

He had previously gotten Scout’s number to be used in case he needed to reach him when the Doctor wasn’t available or in the lab. Misha would usually be the one to message and hand off the medication to the Bostonian in those situations. The heavy weapons specialist sighed roughly through his nose as he dismissed the pang of guilt at abusing the younger man’s private number for this purpose.

Misha did want to know how the little Tanya was doing, so it was justified. Or at least what he told himself as he hit the call button.

He put the device on speakerphone as the rest of the individuals crowded around him. As it rang, the Russian had to shove Demo’s face out of the way as the Scottish man got a little too far into his bubble. Scout picked up the phone at the same time the demolition expert was pushed over the arm of the couch.

“It’s ya dime, start talking,” Jeremy said, though his voice was distracted as he spoke.

Heavy felt a nudge to his side from Soldier as he hesitated, clearing his throat and responded in what he hoped was a joyful tone. “Ah Scout! Privet!The team wished to know how leetle Tanya was?”

“Ya really just threw us under the bus-” Demoman gasped as he pushed himself back up from the floor.

At the same time Pyro tried to ask a muffled question to which Engie quirked an eyebrow from where he had been leaning up against the kitchen table. “Pyro wants to know if-”

“Wha- team? Wait-” Scout interjected incredulously across the line.

Misha had turned to shoosh the people around him when a hand snuck around his arm to tap at the screen. The Russian man whipped his head around to fix a glare on a sheepishly retreating Soldier as the video call chime went off. He brought the cell phone closer to him, head turning back to the screen just as the call was accepted.

“Why are you trying to video-” Misha smiled at the mildly disbelieving face of Scout as the smaller man cut himself off. Now with the video on, Misha could see that Scout was very damp and seemed to be in the yard of a house somewhere. There was a white porch behind him, shrubbery visible but blurred in the background.

The weight of a full grown adult crashed into the Russian’s side as Demo jumped onto the couch next to him, the sudden movement causing the phone to jostle in the larger man's hands. He shoved an elbow into the demolition experts gut, earning a choked gag for his efforts.

“Hold on there, pal. Who’s all there?” The team’s running scrapper questioned, attention now fully on the video call.

The ruse was up it seemed and Misha decided to cut his losses. He tried his best to smile as he positioned the phone further away from himself, watching as Scout’s eyes got wider as the faces of Demo, Pyro, Soldier and Engie quickly crowded around the larger man’s phone to get into view.

Scout had just started to open his mouth to reply when a shrill cry crackled through the video. Misha and the rest of the men around him watched as their teammate whipped his head around to seek out the source of the noise, the camera moving with him.

The Russian as well as the rest of the teammates now on the couch were silent as a domestic sight was displayed to them. Across the lawn of what looked to be like the front of a house was their team’s resident grumpy recluse. Sniper had on the biggest smile that Misha was sure no one on the team (save Scout) had seen before.

He had a gun-a water gun the heavy weapon specialist noted-pointed at a little girl-Tanya- with braided black hair. They were currently play-fighting in the background, the Australian man ducking and rolling around while Tanya ran around in fairy wings and his signature hat.

They all watched as Sniper was shot in the chest with a stream of water, falling dramatically. Misha had never seen the usually stoic man so animated before. Seeing the couple interact like this with their child was truly heartwarming to the Russian.

Sniper soon had Tanya lifted up and into the air, both of them laughing as they played. A soft coo of delight that left Misha was met in the chorus of similar murmurs from his companions. The interaction had been so cute that the Russian was feeling aggression over it.

The sounds of awes gained back their Scout’s attention, his body quickly turning around to obscure the line of sight. His entire face was flushing rapidly as he looked back at the ongoing video call, probably embarrassed from the breach in privacy Misha thought.

“Awright, ya got your answer. She’s fine but we are gunna spend some time here settling her in before we come back to base,” Jeremy continued to speak even though several of the team members around the heavy weapons specialist vocalised their complaints. “Now, if ya don’t mind, I have a water gun fight to win.”

With a beep, the call abruptly ended. As the video screen closed, the background of Misha’s phone was revealed to be a picture of the team’s Medic in a rather risque position wearing his physician’s coat.

Only his physician's coat.

“Oh God, me eye!” Demo cried next to him as he figuratively and literally got an eye full. His sounds of panic were immediately silenced by the Russian man's fist finding a home in his gut.

Misha was not one to be easily embarrassed but that did not mean he wanted everyone to know what hisfDoctor looked like.

Chapter Text

There was an oath that physicians were to uphold when finalizing their doctorates of medicine. First, do no harm. Then it moved towards ethics in medicine and patient-doctor confidentiality but to be honest, Herbert had mentally checked during the Declaration of Geneva part of his MD ceremony.

It was all policy and no action. If he were to be making major leaps in the world of medicinal sciences then he couldn’t be hindered by legalities. Besides, the doctor felt that having a paper trail always seemed to stifle his creative process.

Being a part of Mann CO. helped Herbert fund his scientific projects while being able to use his medical degree without the mundane confines of providing normal health care. Or having to respect boundaries. Or morals…

With access to unlimited resources as well as the team’s medical files, it was obvious that the person to dole out medications would be the only Medic on the base. In addition to extreme painkillers and the MediGun, the doctor was also in charge of other pharmaceuticals. All of the medicines were systematically color coded in Herbert’s inventory log. He was an eccentric scientist, not an unorganized one.

Herbert gave Pyro their Clozapine pill every morning. Antizol went to Demoman after he went on particularly bad benders. Testosterone vials were distributed to Scout every three months.

The last one was actually why he had even made the call in the first place. The week of not only Scout’s absence but Sniper’s as well meant that neither men were there to pick up the routine medicine. Herbert had asked his beloved Misha to call the youngest team member in for his prescription but had been reminded that Scout had left earlier in the week.

Time really flew when you were trying to test baboons to human organ compatibility.

Herbert had scowled and gestured for Misha to call Scout but it had somehow snowballed from there. In hindsight, he probably shouldn’t have said anything while eating lunch with the rest of his colleagues. While most confidentiality was second thought to him, the doctor realized a bit too late at the need for gossip his teammates desired. Usually not one to intentionally air out other people’s dirty laundry, but found himself holding his partner’s phone and waiting for the dial tone to end.

“Must you all be so close?” the team’s healer muttered as he found himself surrounded at the kitchen counter while the phone rang.

“This is t’most interestin’ thing that’s happened since Pyro set t’garage on fire.” Demo said to Herbert’s left, Pyro nodding in agreement where they stood behind the explosives expert. Sitting directly on his right side sat Misha who only shrugged in response.

Engie sat eating his meal in amused silence on the other side of the counter while Soldier busied himself next to him by trying to get the last bit of honey out of a jar. It was the only thing Herbert had watched him pull out for lunch earlier and it gave him an…eerily unsettled feeling.

“Doctor,” he heard Misha reminded low in his ear. “The phone.”

Ah yes, the call-back to business. The ringing of the phone had ended and Herbert returned his attention back to the screen just as the green symbol for a camera bounced with the indicated option to switch to video call. Accepting it with a tap of his finger, the camera opened up to reflect the faces of himself as well as the individuals sitting around him.

It buffered briefly before connecting on the other side of the line. Expecting the face of their team’s scout to show up, the doctor was rather surprised to instead see himself staring into the curious glasses-covered eyes of a little girl. As soon as the girl came into view, Herbert found himself sandwiched by the rest of the team as they all strained to see the phone screen.

“Who’re you?” The child asked, the phone shifting to reveal the inside of what looked like a cozy living room. It was blurry from the slight lag the video carried, but Herbert could make out a fireplace crowded with pictures and…scribbles on the walls?

The doctor cleared his throat, plastering a pleasant smile on his face. Human spawn had never been his specialty but he was aware enough that they required a more empathetic touch when it came to social interaction. “Ah hallo, kleines Kind. I am your parents' Med-er friend from vork.”

Internally scolding himself for the slip up, the doctor watched as the girl’s face fell into a suspicious expression. She squinted at the screen for a few moments before nodding. “Awroight then…What’cha want?”

A voice to his left interrupted whatever Herbert had been planning to say, his entire torso shoved into the side of Misha as Pyro interjected. “Mmhpm mhmm fmmdm dmh hm?”

The child’s face switched over to a sly grin and she nodded along. “Yeah I can do that. An’ call me Tanya.”

Engie laughed into his drink across the table which drew the medic’s attention once he had righted himself. The girl on the screen didn’t even bat an eye as Pyro was bodied out of the camera by a certain Russian with a sharp bark of do not crowd doctor.

The camera angle suddenly shifted as Tanya got up. The background moved into what looked like a hallway and down some stairs.

“What did Pyro ask her?” Demo asked the question to Engie that Herbert had also been thinking, both of them glancing up to witness the amused look on the Texan’s face.

“You’ll see. Just ya wait.” Was the cryptic answer from the team’s engineer.

With attention back on the video, Herbert and the team watched on as Tanya began to tuck and roll across the floor, moving what they assumed was in a sneaky way to a small child. The sound of other voices eventually joined the background sound of the girl's espionage. From what the doctor could hear, it sounded like Scout conversing with a woman who had a similar accent. He sounded slightly distressed as the conversation continued on, his voice picking up near the end of his sentence as the child crawled closer down the hallway.

“-ed to stop askin’ that.” Scout’s raspy voice said, punctuated by the aggressive clearing of his throat as if he had been previously choking.

Herbert couldn’t help but lean forward with the rest of the individuals around them-like they all had the possibility to hear more through the video if they drew closer like Tanya did. The phone edged around the corner, the video feed switching to the front camera at the same time. With the perspective change, a kitchen came into view. It was pointed up from someplace low to the ground where Tanya was spying from.

Scout was sitting and cleaning up spilled soda from his face with his back to the camera. A woman with black hair done up in a bouffant was walking back and forth through the area. The resemblance she had to the younger man easily gave her away as his mother. The accent that curled around her words provided further evidence.

“What? Can’t a mother ask a question about her baby boy?” Scout’s mother pointed a wooden spoon covered with sauce at her son and then gestured with it to something next to her but was not visible from where Tanya was hiding. “You boys make cute kids an’ Tanya could use a sibling or three.”

“Yeah, well Ma,” Scout answered, embarrassment evident from the flush on the back of his neck and ears, “we are kinda focused on finishing up with work first.”

It was at this time that the older Bostonian woman rounded the kitchen counter and started walking in Tanya’s direction while shaking her head. Scout’s mother didn’t notice her granddaughter until she had rounded the corner. The mouth that had been opened to call up the stairs immediately shutting with a start as the older woman froze, spooked by the crouching child.

“Tanya, you almost gave me a heart attack. What’re you doin’ on the floor?” Scout’s mom asked. Her expression changed as the video feed angled up slightly to see a bewildered middle aged woman, hand over her mouth as she looked from slightly behind the camera to directly into the camera.

There was silence from the team on the video feed, each individual wide eyed and feeling just as caught when confronted with the stern voice of Tanya’s grandmother. However, Herbert’s attention was caught by another individual walking around the kitchen counter. It took a moment for the German’s mind to catch up with what he was seeing.

Sniper was wearing a frilly apron and floral oven mitts. In loopy cursive on the front of the apron read Kiss the Cook. He was bent over the dining table now, Scout’s attention fully on the taller man.

“It’s not like we don’t try, right baby?” Though muted by Tanya’s shifted position, Scout’s voice was lowered but still audible, punctuated by the sudden thwap of his open palm across the Australian’s rear end.

The reaction from the team’s sharpshooter was instinctive, spinning around to glare heatedly at Scout. Herbert felt mild amusement at the mortification on the taller man's face as the rest of his team snickered softly. Tanya was the one to give away their position, the camera abruptly shifting as the little girl stood up.

“Grossss!” Her voice rang out in the room causing both of her parents to jolt.

Scout shifted around in his chair to look back at his daughter, eyes flickering behind the camera to the camera and back a few times. The team watched on as he swallowed roughly with the rapid coloring of his face. A beat paused before the mercenaries' laughter broke out at the ridiculousness of the situation.

“Who-uh-who is on the phone, Sweetheart?” Scout attempted to ask evenly, though the crack in his voice said otherwise.

“They said they’re friends o’yours,” Tanya explained, the camera shifting as she crossed the room to hand the phone over. “Phone was ringin’ an’ I answered ‘cause you didn’t.”

With the push of a button, Herbert was face to face with the team’s Scout. Sniper’s face was visible from the background, still red and vaguely horrified as both his and Scout’s eyes locked on their teammates. Silence fell over both sides of the video call.

A thought popped into Herbert’s mind and he opened his mouth before he could stop himself. “If you are having fertility issues -”

The call ended and the doctor trailed off, a finger that had been raised in point going limp as the excitement of potential experimentation left him. The teammates around him deflated as well with the end of their lunch break entertainment. The doctor sighed and after a moment began looking around the table at his colleagues.

“Vould any of you-” He was once again cut off, and much to his frustration Herbert was left alone at the table as his associates-even Misha-ran from the room.