Archive of Our Own ^beta

"Everyone is used to seeing me smiling, being goofy. I'm the fun guy, the easygoing guy. I'm the one everyone can count on for a good laugh. When I'm sad or pissed off no one knows what to do with me."

i’m hugging the pillow tight to my chest, my face buried in it as i take small shaky breaths, biting my bottom lip as hard as i can. all of this only to hold a couple of tears in.

why am i like this? i keep asking myself.

why do i have to be this way?

why me?

the truth is i’m tired, i’m tired, i’m so goddamn tired of being the funny, goofy friend. i’m tired of feeling like this, like i don’t matter, like no one really knows me. of feeling like i have no choice, like i can’t change, because i can’t. i can’t and i won’t. making people happy, seeing them laugh brings me too much joy to give up on it.

but is exhausting, it’s so so so exhausting and now i just want to be alone, i want to lie here and hug my pillow and just let myself be hurt, let myself be sad.

clearly my prayers were ignored since after 20 seconds i hear a knock on my door who’s opened right after. i don’t need to lift my head to know it’s her. the vanilla smell and the incapacity of waiting for me to give her permission to enter is enough, i should be glad she knocked, it’s pretty rare.

“you’re not already sleeping are you? me, juliette, james and warner want to watch a movie but they’re tasteless i need you to join us”. i shift slightly on the bed so that my face is not buried in the pillow anymore and i can look at her.

pretty.

i smile softly at the sight of her.

“do i have to ask you in an anakin skywalker voice? together you and i can rule the galaxy, make things the way we want them to be” she says in a deep voice and i manage to chuckle quietly. the last thing i want is for her to worry.

“i’m tired princess, maybe another time”

“you mean to tell me i need to let the girl who thinks titanic is the best movie of all time and the boy who loves pride and prejudice but won’t admit it, choose what to watch?” she lays on the bed theatrically acting like she’s going through the worst of the tortures.

i take a strand of her hair between my fingers playing with it carefully.

please please please go away i feel the tears tickling my eyes.

“i fear you’ll have to” i whisper burying my face back in the pillow.

“my kenji would never let me suffer like that”

“your kenji is tired”

“you can sleep on my lap on the couch you know i don’t mind it”

“princess i said i’m tired, drop it” it comes out harsher than i planned it to and that’s when i know i’m fucked. she knows.

“what’s wrong?” she says shifting on the bed.

“i told you, i’m tired”

“i guessed fight club’s plot twist after 20 minutes you can’t seriously think i don’t know you’re lying”

i hate that she knows me so well, i hate that i love it, that it makes me feel so damn good, loved.. that it makes my heart feel so tight.

i muffle a small sob in the pillow, praying she didn’t hear, but once again..

“kenji?” and she says it so softly, with so much concern in her voice that i let out another, and another, and another. the next progressively louder than the previous. i’m gripping the sheets tight as i let the tears fall and soak the fabric. i just want to be alone. alone with her.. if it’s possible.

i hear her quick footsteps as she walks to the door to close it, i mentally thank her for it, juliette or warner seeing me like this would make me feel awful, not to mention james. she sits back on the bed just as quickly.

she lays against the headboard and i feel her cool hands through my hair, scratching my scalp softly as she plays with it. she doesn’t say a word, she doesn’t move either, in the first to do so, i crawl closer to her, abandoning the pillow on my right, her stomach feels so much better to bury my face in. i look up at her and i try to ask but she’s already cradling me in her arms, letting me lie between her legs and cry on her belly.

“i’m so sorry” i manage to whisper between the sobs, pulling her closer by tightening my grip on her hips.

“what’s going on? what happened to my perfect ray of sunshine?”

perfect

ray

of sunshine

her.

her perfect ray of sunshine.

i shake my head for a few seconds before she cups my face with her hands, i can feel the cold rings on my cheeks, her fingers are warmer than earlier.

“talk to me what’s going on?”

i want to throw up. to scratch my throat with my fingers and throw up. i feel gross, pathetic and so so stupid for letting her see me like this.

“i’m okay, i promise i’m okay, i’m okay..” but my voice breaks more and gets thinner with each word. her eyes grow more worried and that only makes it worse, she caresses my face with her thumbs as i sit up with my legs crossed and my hands around her wrists. i don’t even think about holding tight, she looks so delicate she could snap in two pieces of i hurt her.

i feel my shoulders shaking with the sobs i can’t stop, i want her close i’m not okay, i’m not okay at all.

“i’m not okay” i whisper as i hug her again, the tears flowing against her neck, i feel her hand on my lower back and on my head, please don’t move then, they’re perfect princess, i want to tell her.

“everything will be alright” how can her voice be so soft? it’s softer than her skin, softer than her touch, i feel it everywhere, her touch.

“i’m tired” i manage to choke out between the tears, “i don’t understand what’s wrong with me”

“what do you mean what’s wrong with you? nothing’s wrong with you, not with you kenji, but of all people”

at this i’m clinging onto her so tight i’m afraid to hurt her.

“i feel so alone, like nobody cares or understands”

“you’re not alone”

“but nobody sees me, not for who i am”

“and who are you?”

“i’m a kid, i feel like a kid and i shouldn’t go through all of this, not now. i’m an orphan. i’m- i just want some comfort— i need some comfort, someone to care for me, to take care of me. but i feel so weak and i hate it, i hate that you’re seeing me now…” i hug her tighter, i let her stroke my hair and kiss my head as i talk. “…i’m exhausted but i feel like i can’t rest, i can’t stop making y’all laugh or improving your mood or i’ll be useless, that’s the only thing i’m good at, making people happy. but i’m not happy, not right now”

my sobs have calmed down, i feel lighter, better, but dumb. weak. pathetic.

i lift my head to look at her but instead of her eyes i feel her kisses all over my face, my cheeks, my nose, my forehead and my eyes, all around my eyes, she’s drying my tears with her lips and i feel like my heart could explode.

“this feels good”

“its okay to fall apart kenji, it doesn’t make you wear our pathetic. it’s okay to feel and be vulnerable, you hear me?”

i just nod my head.

“i love you okay?”

“i love you too”

“i truly, deeply—”

“stop quoting star wars”

“i just really wanted to watch a movie tonight”

“tomorrow we’ll watch everything you want”

“yeah?”, i nod again, she’s smiling. i put that smile there. that’s why it’s so damn hard to just mind my business and stop being like i am, because where else would i get this feeling?

“stay with me?” i whisper. she kisses my head and nods right after.

we lay on my bed in silence, i have my head on her chest as she keeps stroking my hair. it’s all messy and fluffy, i feel it, but she doesn’t seem to care.

i close my eyes and just focus on feeling her, i’m too tired to do anything else anyways.

my heart is still stuck on the fact that i’m her perfect ray of sunshine, i don’t think it’ll recover.

as i fall asleep i hear something, like warner telling her she’s good for me, i don’t know if it’s real or a dream but i agree with him.

i squeeze her hand a little tighter and i’m deep asleep right after. when i wake up the next morning she’s there, her hand in mine.

and everything is okay.