Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

              Minako thought to herself that Fukuoka Airport was quiet this early in the morning. A few footsteps echoed against the walls. Wheeled suitcases scratched the floor. A vending machine buzzed over in the corner behind her. It isn’t enough to distract her from her nerves, however. It had been years since she had seen Lilia Baranovskaya face to face. They had been exchanging letters and long-distance phone calls since Minako had retired from that dazzling part of her career, but it wasn’t the same. The woman was single-handedly her greatest inspiration, the reason she found success on international ballet stages, and someone she deeply wanted to impress. Her mentor. Her friend.

              Lilia hadn’t agreed with Minako’s decision to retire at the time. It had been a rough year in her life and their friendship. Lilia knew that Minako had the talent and grace to keep being a prima ballerina for many more years. Minako knew that her father was sick, and her mother couldn’t take care of him on her own at their age. She hadn’t once regretted her decision, but she did lament the loss of her old life when she was alone, dancing in her studio late at night. The studio opened when she moved back home to Hasetsu five years ago. It’s small, burning a hole in her wallet, and the pride of her life. Before her father passed, he helped her open the doors and greet her very first students. The smile that he gave her was larger than life. Even now, it radiated off the walls lending her the energy to give it her all.

              Yes, she thought her business was wonderful even if she did say so herself. It’s small and she made just enough money to get by day to day, but it was hers. She wanted it to be successful, but most of all, she wanted to guide another prima ballerina into greatness like Lilia did for her. That’s why she invited her here. To catch up on old times, sure, but she desperately needed advice. She had found her premier danseur.

              Lilia had told Minako in one of her most recent letters that she had recently married a man named Yakov Feltsman. Minako remembered faintly that there had been a romance between the two before she left Russia. It had felt one-sided on his part at the time, which worried her at first, but there must have been reciprocation on Lilia’s part after all. That had brought her relief. Minako had felt the bitter sting of love that wasn’t reciprocated in her youth. She’d sworn off the stuff entirely. Lilia and Yakov deserved more than that. The letter also said that the pair was not going to go on a honeymoon due to not agreeing on a location and not wanting to be away from their businesses for long. This gave Minako an idea. Hasetsu was a coastal town that offered a few resorts, hot springs, and tourist spots. There wasn’t enough to warrant a long visit, enough to give them a pleasant experience, and there was Minako – an old friend who would love to talk business.

              Yakov hadn’t been sold on the idea apparently. He had an up-and-coming figure skater (which was apparently his business, she learned) who was going to be a star. Lilia seemed to agree with him that the 7-year-old was very talented, but she loved the idea of visiting Minako. So, the newlywed couple compromised and did what Lilia wanted. Visit Hasetsu.

              Now the time was here, the plane should be deboarding any minute, and Minako couldn’t stop bouncing her knee. She was excited, but now that it’s happening, the fear that Minako will not exceed Lilia’s estimations gnawed at her. The thought of the little 5-year-old boy with stars in his eyes, dancing to music that palpably emanates from him, snapped her out of it. No, this will go well. She was enough, her studio was successful, and Yuuri had something special that Lilia needed to see.

              “Minako, darling, is that you?” A familiar voice called from her right side. That accented English and attention commanding confidence told her that Lilia had arrived. A smile grew on her face as she turned to face the older dancer. She wasn’t surprised by her friend’s appearance. A tight bun sat atop her head with not a single hair out of place. They had just been on a 15-hour trip, she could be forgiven for having a messy bun. Not her Lilia, though. Her outfit also spoke of poise and money. A pink blouse, pressed trousers, and a long coat. She did not opt for comfort when traveling. Yakov trailed behind her with none of the same grace. The thinning hair on the top of his head appeared to be sticking up in any direction it pleased. He sported a puffy jacket, a tracksuit, and a yawn.

              “Lilia, I’ve missed you! I’m so glad you’ve come.” Minako exclaimed. Rising from her seat, she quickly moved to Lilia. She clasped her two hands in the other woman’s and kissed her cheeks. Minako smiled deeply and turned to the man who was sleepily looking at the pair. “Hello to you as well, Yakov. I don’t believe we have formally met. My name is Minako, and your Lilia was my mentor when I studied and danced in Russia. I owe my success, in part, to her advice and friendship!”

              “Your success is all your own, my dear.” Lilia laughed softly. Yakov gave Lilia an adoring smile.

              “You shouldn’t sell yourself short, dove.” He said as he patted her cheek. 

              The conversation flowed after that. The ballerinas shared stories of Minako sneaking out of practice to peek at male skaters at the rink down the street. Stories of celebratory drinks, laughs, and hurts. It felt wonderful to have a piece of her past in her grasp again. Minako guided them to a diner nearby to grab breakfast. They then had a few hours to kill before their scheduled train ride to Hasetsu, so it was time for a few sights. To no one’s surprise, at least not Minako’s, the pair were very stoic about it all. They smiled politely and made conversation about the environment around them, but they weren’t awed, and they didn’t dwell. Truly, their biggest passions were in their work and in their home countries. Minako hoped that they would find some joy in what she truly brought them here for at least. It was only day one of the 5-day stay, she shouldn’t worry so much.

              The train ride was quiet despite Yakov's snoring. Lilia pleasantly observed the passing scenery, which gave Minako time to think about how she would bring Yuuri up to Lilia. She wanted to offer him the same support and structure she had received. She wanted to learn how to make a person feel so supported that they have no chance to doubt themselves. That feeling was sorely missed these days.

              “You have something on your mind, Minako. I suspect it is the real reason you have brought me here, yes?” Lilia said after a while. Her tone told her that she wasn’t truly asking a question. She could always see right through her and hasn’t changed.

              “Yes… As you know, I have my own studio. I’m quite proud of it,” Minako started. She thought about beating around the bush, but she should have known that directness was the only path here. Lilia watched her with a wry smile, and Minako let out a nervous laugh. “I have a godson. My childhood best friend has two children whom I adore as my own. The youngest, well, has something special about him. He’s only five years old and still learning, but I can feel that the potential is there. I want to help him be the best dancer he can be. I would love your advice.”

              “I see, when can I meet him? I am not much of a tourist. If this is what I’m here for, then I’d like to begin right away.” Lilia wasted no time inquiring about his practice routine, and the chatter teased Yakov out of sleep.

              “He has begun to skate, you say.” He hummed to himself for a moment, “Dove, it seems that there may be something for me to do on this trip after all. I will observe him too.” His voice was resolved, stern. Minako frowned.

              “That would be great, but please remember that he’s a young kid. Don’t push him too hard. He’s still learning.” She replied.

              “If he has the heart of a skater, then he will have a hunger in his eyes no matter his level. I will see it when I observe.” Yakov nodded slowly with his eyes closed in contemplation.

              “No, he will be a danseur. Not all talent leads to the ice, dove.” Lilia replied. Her voice was a bit tight, which told Minako that this had been a conversation in the past. Perhaps a tense one.

              “He could be a danseur on the ice. We must see where his passion lies.” Yakov replied with the same tension.

              “I think we’re getting a little ahead of ourselves. He is too young to know what route he will take, or even if he’ll continue his training. I just want advice on how to nurture him while I have him in my studio.” Minako threw her hands up to diffuse this situation.

              “We will see,” Is their shared reply.

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              A knock at the door was the most exciting thing to occur that day for young Yuuri. His Mama nodded at him with affection when he threw a pleading look her way. He jumped up from his place at the table where food was being placed for dinner. Bouncing up to the front of their home and stretched to reach the knob. Yuuri was a little shorter than he would like to be and wished, not for the first time, to be older. Then he could help Mama reach the cab-i-nets in the kitchen! With a big tug on the door, it was freed from the hinge.

              “Mina-chan! Want some din-ner?” Yuuri asked brightly when he saw his auntie, his words stretching longer than they should. Yuuri knew that his Mama and Mina-chan were not siblings like Mari and he were, but she was still his auntie. His fun auntie teach-ed him to spin and dance! He loved spinning.

              “Hi Yuuri!! I missed you today. Can you go let your mom know that our guests have arrived?” Mina-chan asked sweetly, bending down to give Yuuri a hug. He looked up at the two people behind his auntie. They stared at him, and it made him feel shy. He backed away from the hug, ran to the kitchen, and hid behind his Mama’s leg.

              “Mama. I’m ‘poss-ed to tell you that Mina-chan brought strangers.” He whispered. She laughed and reached down to pick him up.

              “Wow, Yuuri, you’re getting so tall. My big boy.” She hummed. “Yuuri, these are our guests! They want to dance with you like Minako does. Will you say hello?” Yuuri shook his head.

              “I’m not tall.” He whined. “I don’t wanna dance with them, only Mina-chan.” His Mama tutted at him.

              “Yuuri. It’s okay to be shy. Maybe if you say hello, you’ll feel differently.” She set him down and encouraged him to walk back over to Minako. She talked with them softly, using words he didn’t understand.

              “Um, Mina-chan?” He whispered, feeling bad that he had interrupted. The three adults turn toward him and smile. The strangers’ eyes were much softer this time, which helped him relax.

              “Yuuri! This is my friend and teacher, Lilia. This is her husband, Yakov.” She pointed to each adult as she said their names, which were a little strange to his ears. Yuuri twisted his face slightly, which made them smile. “Lilia is a ballerina, and Yakov is an ice skater.” This made his heart flutter. A ballerina and an ice skater want to dance with him? Lilia leaned down to look him in the eyes gently.

              “Hi Yuuri, it’s nice to meet you. We speak little Japanese. Minako will talk for us.” Lilia’s words were thick, and it took a long time for him to hear them. He nodded. This made sense to him. They can’t talk. That’s why they were strange. He smiled at her and took a step back. He pulled his arms above his head and pulled his right foot to his left knee like Mina-chan taught him. Lilia smiled and clapped her hands together. “Very good!” Minako laughed, patted his head, and picked him up to go to the dinner table. She said something to the two other adults in those weird words.

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              “Lilia, I will say again that he is a figure skater. Didn’t you see his eyes? With training in the rink, he would have more success than on the stage!” Yakov grumbled as they watched Minako work with the young boy. They had been viewing his skills for four days now, they were scheduled to leave tomorrow and return to Russia. Lilia watched as Yuuri’s eyes closed and fell into the few positions he had learned. They needed work, of course, but he was only five. No, what she was watching was the way Yuuri became the music. Such musicality at that age is something rare. The smile he wore when he was praised tugged at her heartstrings. There was a time when she felt her career more important than children, and now she was at an age where they weren’t possible so it no longer mattered.

              “Yakov, I am not telling you that I didn’t see his heart on the ice. Listen to me when I tell you that he is meant for ballet. I did see the passion in his eyes. However, if he chooses to compete when he’s older, he should never give up dancing. It will set him apart from the others.” She said firmly.

              “If he spends too much time dancing, he will never have the technical skills to win.” Her husband grumbled. Lilia set her sharp gaze on him firmly, and he flinched.

              “Do not imply that there are no technical skills in ballet.”

              “He will be weak. It will hold him back.”

              “No, He will be firm, strong, and graceful. He will fly!” She silenced him and walked over to where Minako stood. Yuuri had joined some of the other students across the room.

              “Thank you for your visit. It has been very good for my confidence as his teacher.” Minako sighed with a smile. “I hate that you are leaving tomorrow.”

              “You are going to be a wonderful teacher. You are gentle when needed, firm when the time calls for it.” Lilia hummed thoughtfully before continuing, “I know that he is young, but you will have to watch his anxiety. He may grow out of it, but I’ve noticed a few patterns.”

              “I’ve felt the same for a while. His mom has observed his separation anxiety since he was an infant. As he’s gotten older, it’s been evolving and changing in different ways. It may be his largest obstacle.” Minako agreed.

              “You wanted my advice. I advise you to believe in him more than he believes in himself. Teach him to listen to his body. Show him that opening up is a strength. It’s a tool to express his art. Never stop his dancing.” Lilia nodded as if in approval of her own statement.

              “Never stop dancing?” Minako quirked an eyebrow.

              “He will be a skater. Teach him to be more than that.” Lilia spoke as if it were an absolute fact, a prophecy even. Maybe it was.

Chapter Text

           Yuuri’s fears peaked that evening as he skated figures around the Ice Palace rink. Only private sessions were allowed this time of day; the public had cleared up a few moments ago. Unfortunately, this meant that the tense conversation between Mina-chan and his parents was getting louder. His rink-mate, Yuuko, skated silently beside him at a safe distance, but close enough that her presence could be comforting. She was a bit older than him but had taken him under her wing when he started skating about 5 years ago anyway. He wasn’t sure what the adults were arguing about, but he knew it was about him, and that caused his ears to burst nearly into flames. Words like ‘Russia,’ ‘money,’ and ‘scared’ were thrown around. It made him sad to see his mama so worried. She normally was so calm and happy. Rarely did she ever get upset. Yuuri sighed loudly and stopped suddenly on the side of the rink furthest from his parents. Yuuko followed slowly and leaned on the boards, still in her silent companionship.

              The nearest window displayed the setting sun, and those rays shone on his face. He couldn’t see it clearly because his glasses were with Minako, but the light played on his eyelids as he closed them. Sometimes, an overwhelming feeling grew in his chest. It was like he couldn’t breathe. He didn’t even have the words. It happened when he was in a place he didn’t know, when he messed up a turn in the studio, or talked in front of a crowd at school. It seemed like anything could cause it. Right now, he couldn’t breathe because of a fight between three important people in his life. The ten-year-old might have more words for it when he was older, but today he was clueless. Did Yuuko? She was twelve after all, practically a teenager in his eyes.

              “Hey, Koko-chan?” He whispered, not looking at her. It was an especially diminutive nickname that only they shared. Yuuko insisted on it when they first started skating together, claiming Yuuri as her new best friend. She didn’t turn to look at him, but instead scooted closer to bump his shoulder with hers. Yuuko had always had that quiet understanding with him. She paid attention, and it felt good to be seen by someone other than his family.

              “Yeah?” Yuuko waited patiently for the answer. He could hear the Tamagotchi in her jacket pocket, begging for attention. She shifted to pull the pink toy out quickly, pressed a few buttons to take care of the digital creature, and shoved it back with urgency. Her father worked at the rink as a trainer and hated it when she brought it with her on the ice. He smiled at their shared secret briefly before turning to meet her eyes.

              “Have you ever felt like you can’t breathe?” Yuuri whispered this to her as though the walls were going to gossip to everyone. Oh no, he really didn’t want Takeshi to find out. He would never stop making fun of him for it. The older boy hated his friendship with Yuuko and reminded him of it any chance he got.

              “Like from skating hard or taking a run?” She scrunched her eyebrows. Her brown hair had started falling out of its bun while they were skating earlier today. The Madonna of Ice Palace had messy hair. It took Yuuri’s embarrassment away… at least a little.

              “No… like from thinking?” It sounded so dumb when he said it out loud. He almost opened his mouth to take it back, but Yuuko hummed thoughtfully.

              “Hmm, no, not often. Is that what you are feeling right now?” She scanned his face more closely now. He gulped in response. The sounds of the adults on the other side had quieted. He braved a glance and found that his papa was deep in thought. He nodded at Mina-chan and held his chin in one hand. Something had been decided.

              “Yes. I feel it sometimes, not just now. I’m sad or scared. I don’t know, but I might cry.” Yuuri’s voice broke, and he hunched over the boards. Yuuko turned around to face the same direction quickly. Her arm came down to rest on his shoulders.

              “You can cry. I won’t tell anyone.” She patted him soothingly. Yuuri really didn’t want to. It felt weak. It felt like he was losing something of himself. The warm tears came anyway. They fell freely and left the taste of salt when they met his lips. He was sure he looked like a baby.

              “What’s wrong with me?” He fought to control himself. He didn’t want the noise to carry to the other side and worry his parents. He didn’t want to be a bother.

              “I don’t think anything is wrong with you! I think you just worry more than other people do. My Papa calls it anxiety. My Mama cries sometimes when she worries, too. It’s okay.” Yuuko gave him a tighter squeeze with her arm. Yuuri pulled his head up in surprise. Was this a feeling that adults had too? That sounded awful.

              “Does she feel better after crying? Does it get better?”

              “Oh yeah! Sometimes she worries a lot. She’ll take a lot of deep breaths if she starts to cry. It helps. Mama has a friend that she talks to every week if she can’t feel better.” Yuuko talked confidently like it was normal, as if it was okay. Maybe Yuuri could start to feel that way one day too. “Sometimes Papa and I take deep breaths with Mama if she forgets to. Do you want to do that with me?”

               Yuuri nodded quickly and Yuuko prompted him to face her by pulling him up off the boards gently. She grabbed his hands and asked him to watch her. To breathe in when she did and to copy her when she released the air. It felt strange, almost dizzying. After a moment though, his head was clear.

              “Do you feel better now, Yuyu?” She asked with a smile. He blushed at the nickname and pulled his hands away.

              “A little, thank you.”

              “Maybe you need a friend to talk to like Mama? Her friend taught her the breathing thing.” She shrugged, letting him know that she was no expert, but she wanted to help anyway.

              “Maybe.” He sighed and turned to lean his back against the boards now. He caught the eye of his papa who waved him over. The pit in his stomach grew heavier.

              “Yuuri, dear, can you come over here?” His mama called sweetly. No touch of the emotions she had before. Just her calm, happy, and safe voice.

              “Good luck, Yuyu-chan!”

              “Thanks.” He grumbled. He pushed off the boards slowly, wishing he could freeze time itself. The moment would be as still as the ice under his feet. He’d have more time to put on a brave face and listen to whatever awful thing they were discussing. He couldn’t though. Yuuri settled for moving his skates as little as he could. The closer he got, the clearer his vision was. They waited at the opening of the ice rink and surprisingly didn’t seem angry. Papa held his arms open, asking Yuuri for an embrace. He did pick up his speed then.

              “Yes, Mama, Papa?” Yuuri asked as he accepted the hug. It was soothing and eased some of the feelings that had been bubbling up today. When he pulled away, Minako handed him his glasses with a smile.

              “You’ve been enjoying skating and dancing with Minako, right?” asked his mom. She searched his face and Yuuri bit his lip. Did she see that he was crying earlier? He couldn’t let her believe that it was from skating. He loved it.

              “A lot, Mama. I think maybe I’d like to skate when I’m older too. It makes me happy.” He nodded at her with emphasis, and she smiled widely.

              “How would you feel about travelling with Minako somewhere to take a summer class for your training?” His dad was asking him now. This was what they were arguing about? Yuuri tilted his head to the side in confusion.

              “A class? I already have classes with Okukawa-sensei and here with the trainers at the Ice Palace.” What more could Yuuri ask for? He didn’t need more… he didn’t want more… did he?

              “Yuuri, I got a letter from my friend Lilia in Russia.” Minako started. She held the letter in her hands as proof and let Yuuri read the first page. “She and her husband have a studio where they have a special class during the summer to train ice skaters in ballet and other dance. They’ve invited you personally!” She grinned and Yuuri shifted uncomfortably. “Do you remember my friends? They’ve visited before when you were young, and I’ve shown you tapes of Lilia and me dancing when I lived in Russia.”             

              “I think I remember them. Russia is far away though, right?” Yuuri loved those tapes. He thought the women were beautiful on the stage and in their costumes. The music was so emotional. He wanted to dance just like them. A trip though… that was something new. Heat flushed his skin as he thought about it. His parents were here. Mari, his sister, would be all alone.

              “Yeah, it is. We’d have to get on a plane and travel for a while. Is that something you would be okay with?” Minako asked softly. His mouth dropped open.

              “A plane??” He’d never even thought he’d be able to be on a plane. Excitement briefly flared in his heart. “How long would we be gone? I need to help Mama and Papa with the onsen.”

              “Son, you don’t need to worry about Yu-topia. We want you to spend your summer doing something that you want. Is this something you want?” Papa put a large hand on his shoulder and squeezed. Yuuri went quiet at that. What was it that he wanted? Yuuri wanted to fly on the ice. He wanted to tell a story through music. Could he really do that without more training? He hadn’t even really learned how to safely jump doubles yet.

              “It’s only for a few weeks in June. You have some time to decide. Please think about it.” Minako asked him, which snapped him out of his thoughts.

              “How much is it?” Yuuri asked.

              “Yuuri, money is for adults to worry about. Don’t ask that.” Papa’s voice was stern.

              “Sorry, Papa, but I worry a lot. Okukawa-sensei, how much is the summer class and the plane ticket?”

              “Yuuri, your father is right, you shouldn’t worry about this.” Minako frowned and sighed at him when Yuuri crossed his arms. “Okay, okay, you have been granted a scholarship, so the class is free. The plane ticket is my gift to my favorite little skater. Does that make you feel better?”

“A little.” He smiled. That faint excitement made his heartbeat faster again. “It’s really my decision?” The adults nodded in response. A smile grew on his lips before he could help it. “I think I’d like to go.”

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              Minako understood why Hiroko and Toshiya were hesitant for this trip, she really did, but Yuuri had been excelling at a faster rate than she prepared for. The local Ice Palace coaches were kind, but inexperienced. Minako had extensive experience and training in ballet, but how would Yuuri learn jumps on the ice when she had no experience in that field? He was talented enough to become an elite skater if he wanted. He was on the path, and she needed to find every opportunity to help him get there. Still, she did feel bad for encouraging her best friend’s son to leave the nest so young. If he liked this trip, he might get a taste for adventure. If he did join the competition circuit like she anticipated, then he would be away from home more and more. Guilt was inevitable.

              Then there was the money.  Hiroko and Toshiya hated the idea of Minako paying for this trip. They wanted to give this to their son, but how could she let them pay for something they hadn’t planned for?  This wasn’t in their budget for Yuuri’s training, and they knew it. Just like she knew that they weren’t really upset with Minako. Scared for their boy, maybe. A soft smile grew on her face as she looked at the sleeping lump in the window seat next to her. The plane was quiet. Being an international flight, most passengers opted to sleep through the trip. Little Yuuri had been lulled by the engines himself.

              They had also been excited for him. Hiroko extensively packed all Yuuri’s clothes in an old suitcase they hadn’t used in years. She made sure he had his favorite stuffed animal for comfort since he sometimes had trouble sleeping. She made him promise to eat well, make many memories, and tell her all about it when he got back. Toshiya saved up for a used Nikon camera for Yuuri to take on the trip. He wanted pictures of everything. He wanted Yuuri to always have proof that he was the first Katsuki to leave Japan in generations. Pride oozed from every pore. Fourteen-year-old Mari even seemed excited for her little brother. She made him promise to be safe and meet lots of boys. That had been the final straw on Yuuri’s nerves the morning they left for the airport. His ears went red, and he didn’t say goodbye to her at all. Minako fought a laugh as she remembered.

              “Mina-chan?” Yuuri asked sleepily. He’d taken to giving her the traditional teacher title of Okukawa-sensei when in front of others even though Minako didn’t like the formality. It made her feel so old!

              “Yes?”

              “Do you have anxiety?” He yawned and stretched to look at her. His face was stoic, so she could only imagine what he must be feeling. His parents hadn’t wanted to bring up their concerns about this to him too early. Minako knew it was only a matter of time before he brought it up instead.

              “Hmm, that’s a big question. Yes, I do in some ways, but I don’t struggle with it as much as others.” She wasn’t prepared for this conversation even after all this time. She hoped she got it right and that Hiroko could forgive her for having it without her.

              “Like me?” He whispered it as if it burned his tongue. He turned to look out the window with none of the excitement he had for it just hours ago. Clouds wafted underneath us. They looked a bit stormy, matching his energy.

              “Yuuri… Are you feeling okay?” She reached out to place a hand on his cheek and gently turn his head to look at her. Instead of pulling away, he placed one of his smaller hands on hers for more comfort. He often sought physical affection like this when he felt off. As many hugs as a normal kid needed, Yuuri seemed to need double.

              “I…. well… I have been feeling weird lately.” He frowned at her.

              “Yeah? Sometimes that happens. Can you tell me about it?”

              “I get scared a lot. The things I’m scared about… I think about them all the time. They also make me sad, but that doesn’t make sense to me. How can you be sad and scared?” He scrunched up his face in the adorable way he does when he’s puzzling something out.

              “So many of the things we can feel are combinations of emotions, that’s very normal! How does your body feel when you feel this way?” Minako wanted to help Yuuri with was the physical symptoms of anxiety. The ones that would affect him as he trained and performed. If he can identify them, he can begin to see the patterns and adapt.

              “I get very warm, like I’m running even if I sit still. My chest gets heavy, like I can’t breathe. That makes me even more scared.” His eyes widened.

              “That is very scary, are you feeling that way now?” Minako thought he did feel a little warm. She turned her body to offer him her other arm in case he wanted to hug her. He accepted quickly, snuggling in tightly.

              “A little. I was talking to Koko-chan before we left, and she says that it sounds like anxiety…. Is this what anxiety is?” His voice was muffled against her sweater. She rubbed his back.

              “It does sound like anxiety to me. I think it’s very brave of you to tell me, you know?” She gave him a squeeze, and he made a squeaking sound. “Thank you for opening up to me.”

              “Koko-chan says that her mom has a friend she can talk to about anxiety. Do I need a friend like that too?”

              “Do you want a friend like that to talk to?” Now they were in territory that Minako really didn’t want to be in. There was a line and Minako was not his parent. No matter how much she loved him as her own, she couldn’t parent him. Getting Yuuri a therapist would be up to them. She planned to suggest it to them when they got back, though.

              “Idk. Maybe…. No, not really.” He sighed dramatically and she grinned.

              “That’s okay. I think for now you should tell your parents or me when you feel anxious in the future so that we can help you through it.” She squeezed him again.

              “I’ll try.” He pulled away to look out the window again. His face looked distinctly different from before. More open and relaxed, telling Minako that she hadn’t royally messed that up.

              “That’s all I’ve ever asked, sweet boy.” She sighed and settled back in her seat. They weren’t flying first class by any means, but this airline had decent seats at least. The sleep mask returned to her eyes, and she began wanting sleep to take her. They still had 8 hours left of their trip.

              “Do you think Mari is jealous that she couldn’t get on a plane with us?”

              “No, I think your sister is content with having her silly little brother out of the house for a few weeks. She’s going to have her friends over for a sleep over soon. Your mom is planning it for her as surprise.” Minako smiled, pulling a blanket around herself.

She loved Mari just as much as she loved Yuuri. They were her best friend’s children after all. Mari danced in her studio from time to time and went with Minako to go shopping. She even sought her out for mischief and gossip. They had their own special connection. The two were even going to a concert later this summer for Mari’s birthday. Dancing or skating just wasn’t something Mari was passionate about and that was okay.

              “That’s good.” He smiled as he settled back into a lump against the window to sleep. She pulled part of her blanket off of the floor and draped it over him.

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              Viktor had heard about the student who would be attending classes at the rink and studio this summer. Yakov said that it was someone he and Madame Lilia had met while they honeymooned in Japan 5 years ago. He wasn’t sure that he was looking forward to a stranger in their group. It had just been him and Georgi as Yakov’s figure skaters for the past few years. Madame Lilia has a few ballet-exclusive students, but he doesn’t really hang out with them. This new student would be studying with both Yakov and Madame dividing the attention normally dedicated to him more than usual. It didn’t sit right with Viktor. He loved the stage, the spotlight, and even the drama that the figure skating world brought. He wanted crowds to sing his praises and see how talented he was. He wanted to perform like no other in the entire world. Was this new kid going to threaten that? He scoffed at himself. Impossible. The kid was just going to be here for a few weeks; he didn’t have to suffer too long.

              He walked into the studio that morning and saw him. A shorter, dark-haired boy had his leg fully extended on the bar like it was nothing, stretching his upper body like there wasn’t a direction it couldn’t go. His back was towards Viktor, but he could tell that the boy was already at ease in the room. Viktor’s room. A frown settled on his face as he gaped at him. Stretching wasn’t anything special. Viktor could do that. The mirrored wall didn’t offer a good look at the boy’s face, but he noted that a few of the youngest dancers giggled in the new boy’s direction. They were clearly talking about him. By their blushes, they found something pleasing about the new kid. Viktor didn’t get the appeal.

              “Vitya, Georgi. You are both late.” The Madame’s voice cut through Viktor’s thoughts, and he straightened his back as he faced her.

              “Sorry Madame.” He meant it too. Yakov’s disappointment was nothing compared to hers. She had these eyes that bore into your soul. It made him shutter.

              “No excuses, warm up.” She clapped and went to talk to another adult in the corner. A brown-haired woman whose posture reminded him of Lilia’s.

              “Madame, who is the new guy?” Georgi asked as he set down his bag on the side of the room out of the way of any dancing that would be happening that day.

              “Georgi, you should be more respectful of your new classmate. This is Katsuki Yuuri. He’s traveled with his teacher Okukawa Minako from Hasetsu, Japan. Yuuri, can you come over here for a moment?” Lilia gestured to the boy Viktor had been glaring at earlier. He pulled himself off the bar in a quick, practiced way. Jealously ate at him and he wasn’t even sure he knew why. The boy hadn’t even done anything special.

              “Hai!” The boy bounded over. All smiles on his round face, brown eyes friendly. Viktor didn’t recognize the sound, so he figured it must be from his native language when Lilia nodded. Looking at him face to face now, Viktor realized that Yuuri was probably younger than him. Maybe the age of Georgi, who was eleven, maybe younger? Some of the jealousy eased in his heart, but not all of it. Yakov and Lilia wouldn’t have sent for him if they didn’t think he was talented. Are they looking for a replacement for Viktor already though? They wouldn’t dare... Not before he made his junior debut and awed the world.

              “Yuuri, this is Viktor Nikiforov and Georgi Popovich. You will also be skating with them tomorrow.” Lilia said to him in that foreign language. Viktor didn’t even know she could speak Japanese.

              Yuuri bowed lightly to them in greeting. The brown-haired woman came over and introduced herself as Yuuri’s teacher, Madame Minako. She was beautiful as far as women went, Viktor supposed. The new Madame explained that the boy didn’t speak Russian so if they wanted to communicate, they should use English which he had been learning a little of. She would help translate as needed. As if he’d need to communicate with him at all, yeah right.

              “Children, we must continue. Pleasantries are over.” Lilia clapped again and urged the boys to finish their warmups. Yuuri smiled shyly and returned to the side of the room he had come from. Viktor watched him move through the stretches trying again to see what was so special about him. Maybe if he could puzzle it out soon, he’d have the advantage tomorrow. There would be no spotlight sharing on his watch.

              Soon warmups were over, and Lilia had them all go to the center of the room and face the mirrors. She explained that she had planned a light routine for each of them that would be adapted into a short program for those taking the skating part of this class. Yakov intended to polish what they learned here so that it flowed on the ice correctly. He would also be overseeing the more advanced maneuvers to ensure safety. The routine would be performed at the end of the term to show off their hard work. For the dance-only students, they would be having a small recital. Lilia wasted no time in ushering the dance-only students into another studio space with a second teacher. Viktor could never remember their name since he only worked with Lilia. Now that the three skaters were the only students in the room, Lilia wanted to work on Yuuri’s routine first. Viktor frowned. He usually went first. Music started and the boys were asked to move to the side while Yuuri stood up in the middle. Viktor plopped down ungracefully on the ground against the wall.  

              “Why are you so grumpy, Vitya?” Georgi yawned into his hand.

              “I don’t like this boy.” Viktor responded.

              “You don’t know him. He’s just here to dance.” Georgi shrugged and watched.

              Lilia had begun talking through the story that the music told and her vision of his routine. She wanted him to embody the morning sun dancing through the sky, overjoyed because he was happy to see his friend, the earth, again. The moon signaled that their time had come to an end, but the sun remained hopeful that he would see earth again tomorrow. Yuuri watched her with laser focus. As she said the moves out loud, Minako in tandem demonstrated the steps. She paused, waited for him to begin following her, and then she repeated them. Soon they had run through the basics of the dance. They repeated it once more to practice. It shocked Viktor how little difficulty the dance seemed to have. If this were on the ice, his score would be unimpressive.

              Yuuri was then left alone on the floor and asked to run the program through from memory. Viktor frowned. This seemed like very little practice time for a kid to be able to complete a routine from memory. The music began and Viktor felt like he couldn’t look away. Yuuri had closed his eyes and repeated it fluidly like it was nothing. Viktor couldn’t notice a step that was missing. His limbs were delicate during the beginning representing the morning. His legs were strong during the afternoon. Yuuri’s face told a story that Viktor’s ears couldn’t hear in the evening. It looked perfect. He understood then what Lilia and Yakov had seen in Yuuri. This talent was something different than what Victor had. Something softer and poetic. Viktor enjoyed performing, but he didn’t tell a story this way. He communicated through his charm, natural talent, and confidence instead. Maybe they could both have something special on the ice he realized. The animosity he’d grasped tightly all this morning eased fully. He’d still win against him every time, Viktor was sure, but he now hoped that Yuuri would put up a fight. How thrilling would it be to skate with an equal?

              “Hmm. Again.” Lilia responded casually, unimpressed.

              Viktor’s chin dropped in surprise. Yuuri’s eyes open slowly. Viktor expected to see anger or tears. He knew that he’d be frustrated after that if it were him. The performance was perfect. Yuuri’s eyes were clear and focused instead. He actually nodded like he agreed with whatever Lilia was silently telling him. Did nothing shake this guy?

              “You must feel the music. In your core. Imagine it traveling to your arms and leaving your fingers. Share with the room. Say hello to your earth, bask in their attention, and then, when it is time, let them go. Make Vitya and Georgi feel it your song.” She advised. Viktor frowned. He already felt it, he didn’t understand what she could possibly mean. This was what he hated about dance class. Lilia made you repeat and repeat until you were bone tired. Always asking for you to chase something you didn’t understand. Always claiming that you weren’t giving it your all.

              Yuuri closed his eyes and repeated the motions. It did look different this time. His legs were straighter, and his toes pointed aesthetically. Viktor grinned at that because no one noticed a skater’s toes when they had ice skates on. Yuuri’s fingers extended softly, and he can feel the music this time. He was reaching out to earth trying to touch it. There was a deeper feeling now. Yuuri was like a record player. The difference between them had become blatantly obvious now. His observations before just scratched the service. Viktor danced to music. Yuuri was the music when he danced. Yuuri stopped his song instantly to Viktor’s disappointment. Frustration now darkening his face.

              “My body is tight when I move like this,” He opened his eyes to look in the mirror and demonstrated to the two women what he meant. Viktor wasn’t sure of the words the boy said exactly because of that language again, but it was clear that he wasn’t pleased with something physical in the dance. He didn’t understand what he was so concerned about. It looked great. Minako took Yuuri to the side and began working on stretching again, targeting the area that Yuuri had pointed out.

              “Vitya, Georgi, I haven’t forgotten about you! Georgi, off the floor. It’s your turn.” Lilia’s stern command jumped through them both. Georgi stretched as he got up. Viktor barely registered his dance, opting to watch Yuuri instead. He wanted to see what Yuuri’s song looked like on the ice.

Chapter Text

         Yuuri had thoroughly enjoyed his first day of class with Madame Lilia so far. Her studio was large and bright, but still comfortable. It reminded him enough of home that he was able to settle in quickly. She was a strict teacher, but this too felt familiar. For how warm Minako was to him, she took his training seriously. They’ve had long days together where he was drenched in sweat and still needed to perfect a stance. That spirit must have been taught by the Madame. It was something he appreciated. They had focus and passion. When he danced with them, he didn’t have to worry about anything. He felt strong, even confident. What had made him worry, however, was Lilia’s two other figure skating students, Georgi and Viktor. They hadn’t uttered a word to him all day. Instead, their eyes watched him with unreadable expressions. They made Yuuri uncomfortable while he danced. He couldn’t put into words the relief he felt when Minako pulled him aside and Lilia began teaching them their own routines. They didn’t have the time to watch him then and he relaxed again, at least that’s what he thought.

              “You have a shadow or two today.” Minako said quietly when she brought him his water bottle. They had been stretching a part of his core and back that hadn’t been bending in the way Yuuri felt it should. As he danced earlier, he had a vision of what his silhouette should be and wanted to make sure he could achieve that. The sun should be larger than life during the afternoon and he felt too tight to do that. Yuuri frowned at his teacher as he grabbed the bottle from her. He glanced to the side and could tell that Viktor had just turned his head quickly to the side. He was looking again?

              “They keep staring at me and I don’t know what I did to upset them.” He grumbled and drank some cool liquid. Minako made a thoughtful noise and drank from her own bottle.

              “They don’t seem upset. I think they are admiring you.”

              “Admiring me? Why would they admire me? They are older with more experience.” He exclaimed in response. Water accidentally ran down his chin and he went to wipe it frustratedly.

              “They are older, but you’re more practiced. Can’t you tell? Watch for a bit.” She inclined her head toward the two boys. Georgi, the dark-haired one groaned on the ground. He had just completed a third run through his routine, but he hadn’t quite worked it out yet. Sweat poured from every pore. Lilia affectionately patted his cheek and told him to take a break. She let him know that they needed to work more on his footwork. His dramatic flair, she adored, but he tripped over himself too often. That would be dangerous on the ice and cause accidents. He had Yuuri’s sympathies.

              Lilia turned her eye on the silver-blonde haired boy, Viktor, and ordered him to take his position for his routine now. The expression on her face was as fond as it had been for Georgi, but also more analytical. Sharp. As if Viktor had more to give to the dance than his friend. Yuuri watched the boy strike the starting pose that Lilia instructed and move with the music. There was a gravity to his routine. All your focus zeroed in on him like a spotlight would on a stage. Lilia gave instructions quickly and Viktor clearly had enough experience to follow them instantly with a smile on his face no less. Minako’s claim was wrong. This boy was very practiced. Viktor’s charisma helped him tell the story of the chosen music beautifully. A lion hunting a gazelle this time. Yuuri could imagine the roar of a crowd in the rink. It would be easy to lose yourself in his performance. Lilia had left parts of the dance open for what Yuuri imagined would be jumps. Their timing with the music told him that Viktor must jump on the ice often. His performances were going to be thrilling to watch in the future, Yuuri just knew it. Jumping was the skill he was most nervous about on the ice. He would have to overcome that if he also wanted to compete and he did want to compete.

              Viktor’s style was more about strength and confidence. It matched the lion’s prideful energy perfectly. When he took to the stage, he conquered it. His power and charm were his crown and scepter. A king. Yuuri found himself intimidated until the song continued into the final half and he could see finally what Minako had meant. Viktor was tired. His posture wasn’t perfect, and it caused a certain slowness to his movements. This would cause Victor to quickly lose momentum on the ice. Then there was the polish of his basic dance forms, also missing. Maybe Viktor didn’t practice his dancing as much as his skating. A shame really. Yuuri spent hours thinking about the shape of his feet, his arms, his torso. He would practice and practice until he felt that the song was performed to its fullest. This is what made him feel beautiful on the ice. Ballet gave him the tools he needed to be free in the rink. Dance was his paintbrush, and the ice was his canvas.

              Neither style of dance nor skating was correct. They were just different. Yuuri and Viktor focused on different things, and it was okay, Yuuri realized. Maybe Minako was right, and the boys were staring at him because they were admiring his style. When he thought about it that way, he felt even better about his whole day. He even found himself returning the sentiment a bit as he watched Viktor practice. There was a lot to admire about the other boy. He found himself watching the budding muscle in his back tense as he moved into his routine’s final stance. Yuuri tended to be a little pudgy around the middle and often wanted more muscle that the adults around him promised would come when he got older. Viktor must have sensed that Yuuri was looking though because he opened his eyes and turned his head to look right at him. Heat rose to Yuuri’s cheeks for getting caught and looked immediately away.

              “Subtle.” Minako smirked. Yuuri felt so incredibly overwhelmed. “Mari is going to be thrilled.” Yep, he was going to pass out if this conversation continued. What did that even mean? Luckily Lilia called for a lunch break.

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              The morning had finally passed. In a few hours it would be time for Yakov’s portion of the day and Viktor couldn’t be more thrilled. Lilia had ordered a delivery of blini with various fillings and toppings. It was a treat for their guests since it was their first day in the class. Normally she ordered healthier meals during practice. Viktor watched Yuuri look at them hesitantly, trying to determine which he might want. He bounced on the tips of his feet in excitement but gripped his plate in a way that made his knuckles white. A ghost of a smile attempted to surface on Viktor’s lips, but he clamped them down harder.

              “Just go talk to him, you keep staring. I bet he’s creeped out. He’ll never return to class at this rate.” Georgi whispered in Viktor’s ear. He was holding back a laugh; Viktor could tell by the way he was pinching his mouth to the side. He rolled his eyes at the younger boy and pushed him away. Georgi was always the dramatic sort and coming from Viktor, that was saying a lot.

              “Shut up, I haven’t been staring. He hasn’t noticed.” Viktor pouted and crossed his arms in response. Yuuri had been watching him though, if only for a moment. What had he thought of his performance? He couldn’t imagine that it impressed Yuuri much, not with the other boy’s own talent. Maybe on the ice though…

              “He hasn’t noticed, or you haven’t been staring?” Georgi crinkled his eyes. A knowing smile spread wildly on his face.

              Viktor stomped off towards Yuuri grumpily to get away from Georgi’s words. He hadn’t been staring. That would be silly. He’d been observing his competition for the summer. It sure wasn’t going to be Georgi. His pace slowed as he neared Yuuri. He bit the inside of his lip as he thought of what he could say. It didn’t seem like the other boy had noticed him yet, so he had time to think of something. Mind blank of anything funny or witty, he settled on a simple greeting.

              “Hello.” Viktor started slowly in English and winced at the sound of it. He’ll need to become fluent once he made his junior debut in a year at age 13, but for now the words felt very difficult on his tongue. Yuuri slowly turned to Viktor with a blush. He tilted his head to him in greeting but had trouble meeting his eyes. He gripped his plate closer to his chest and took a subtle step away from him. An action that Viktor tried very hard not to frown at.

              “Do you um, need help?” Viktor offered. Yuuri looked at him again with confusion. The expression scrunched his eyebrows and made his eyes appear larger. He shifted from one foot to another. It was a picture of innocence and nerves. Nothing like the dancer he’d been watching this morning. The one who was eager for perfection. The one who seemed so polished and graceful. Viktor smiled as sweetly as he could, pointed to the blini and Yuuri’s plate, and repeated the question.

              Yuuri paused for a moment as if thinking very hard about the words. Slowly he smiled at Viktor and nodded. “Thank you,” he answered. A supremely pleased feeling filled Viktor’s chest. He began slowly describing the different combinations. There was plain blini that could be topped with jam, crème fraiche, honey, tzatziki, or soft cheese. Lilia had also ordered some stuffed ones that Viktor was fond of. He recommended the sweet one filled with fruit and soft cheese that had been mixed with sugar and vanilla. Yuuri tried one with a smile. He seemed to be fond of the savory one filled with minced pork and scallions. Viktor guided them to sit at one of the few tables that Lilia and Minako had set up for all the students. He waved at Georgi to join them, but he shook his head and sat down with a girl he didn’t know the name of instead. The silence was companionable, but Viktor felt antsy.

              “I like your dancing. You are the music,” he said quietly and smiled at Yuuri. The blush returned to the boy’s cheeks.

              “Thank you,” Yuuri dipped his head bashfully.

              “You skate, too, yes?” Viktor was stretching his English vocabulary further than he had before and the conversation had barely started. A silent apology was sent to his schoolteacher. The classes he hadn’t been paying attention to were important when making friends after all.

              “Um, yes.” Yuuri took longer to respond than Viktor expected. Was he bored?

              “I like skating better than dancing. What about you?” Viktor offered quickly. Yuuri’s eyes went wide, and he pinched his face in thought.

              “Both,” he said quietly. It occurred to Viktor that Yuuri knew even less English than he did. He mentally facepalmed himself. Yuuri was younger, maybe he hadn’t learned as much of it in school. Maybe Viktor could get a dictionary? That wouldn’t help Yuuri though, it would be a Russian to English. Yuuri would need a Japanese to English dictionary. He could get Minako’s help like she had mentioned earlier, but that would be too embarrassing.

              “Tasty?” He pointed to their food to make it clear what he was talking about.

              “Hai! … um yes!” Yuuri nodded and took another bite. The smile on his face told Viktor that he loved a good meal on any day. They enjoyed the rest of their meal in silence because Viktor was struggling to find more words. Yuuri seemed pleased to sit there quietly though. A content happiness warmed his own cheeks. He went into today almost dreading the next two weeks and now he looked forward to spending as much time as possible with his new friend.

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              “Yakov, would it be alright if I reached out to you directly for further advice on the technical sides of things? Yuuri’s double jumps are looking great with your help!” Minako praised the older man. Today was the last full day of the class. The boys would be performing their short programs for each other and the coaches. The dance only students had performed their recital this morning beautifully. Yakov had been wonderfully efficient in his instruction with Yuuri even if she did have to snap at him for his yelling. Yuuri soaked it in like a sponge. Minako did too. Yakov taught her how to check Yuuri for injury if he fell which he had… a lot. He taught her how to spot when a jump was properly rotated and the differences between the main ones. Minako knew the basics of figure skating because she liked to watch competitions every now and then, but until now some of the specifics had gone over her head. She planned to speak with other coaches back in Japan that coach competitively for further guidance. Minako wanted to be Yuuri’s coach for as long as possible.

              Tomorrow, she and Yuuri would get on another plane and return home. Yuuri had been melancholy all morning because of it. He said he would miss the food, Madame Lilia, and his friends. Minako suspected he’d be missing one particular friend the most. The two warmed up on the ice now and those gloomy feelings seemed to be dissipating. Viktor preened in front of him, clearly enjoying the attention. Yuuri would politely clap at the showboating occasionally. Then, as young kids do, they started racing from one side of the rink to the other. Completely unprompted by anything other than competition. Georgi joined them then, not wanting to be outdone.

              “Yes, that should be fine. I look forward to seeing Yuuri’s progress. He is quite the performer already.” Yakov responded gruffly. It had taken her some getting used to, but Minako felt confident that this was his positive voice and that he was pleased.

              “Thank you, it means a lot.” She smiled and walked closer to the boards to get Yuuri’s attention. He smiled and skated over quickly. The traces of sadness barely clinging to his eyes tugged at her heart strings.

              “How are you feeling now? Do you need anything before we start the routines?” She pulled him in for a brief hug. He’d only have a few performances so far in his small career. These were all local, hosted at the Ice Palace. Practice for the real thing. In a few years, they’d be branching out to sign up for regional and national competitions. No matter what competition it was, she wanted to be there to hug him every time.

              “I feel alright, I think. I mean I’ve been practicing a lot, and I’ll do good.” He said this like it was not a big thing, but Minako saw it as much more than that. A blossomed confidence. This trip had been worth it; she felt it in her bones. Oh, she couldn’t wait to tell Hiroko.

              “Oh, you’re so cute right now. Let me take your picture. Your dad is going to love it.” Minako pulled Yuuri’s Nikon camera from her jacket pocket and Yuuri threw up his hands.

              “Oh Mina-chan, not right now.” Yuuri was very embarrassed, formalities gone again. She snapped the picture anyway. Viktor and Georgi came over then in response to the excitement and Yuuri went quiet.

              “Madame Minako, can we take pictures too?” Georgi asked with wide eyes. He had been slower to warm up to Yuuri than Viktor but had become quite friendly in the end. “Yuuri can we?” He excitedly grabbed Yuuri’s arm and pulled it away from his face excitedly. Minako snapped another picture. He hated it now, but he’ll love it in the future.

              “Georgi, we have so many.” He groaned, ears very pink now.

              “You can never have too many pictures of yourself!” Viktor giggled and posed for the camera. *snap* *snap* The boy then grabbed his two friends to pose with them together. Georgi and Viktor squished Yuuri between them causing the younger boy to giggle. *snap* *snap*

              “That’s enough playing. We must skate now!” Yakov called sternly and the four sobered up to follow his instructions. He smirked as they moved like chastised puppies.

              The routines were gorgeous, and it inspired Minako to begin choreographing competitive routines herself. She needed to learn as much as she could about how scoring worked in the meantime. Yuuri had at least 3 years before he could join the junior competition circuits. Georgi had polished up some parts of his dance, but he lacked some of the power Viktor had. Maybe he needed to find what made him passionate about this sport to find his niche. Viktor was a born showman. He was clearly enjoying himself. His talent oozed from every pore. Polish was sorely needed in the future to become truly exceptional of course. She was very biased, but it was clear Viktor wasn’t a dancer at heart. Yuuri’s routine was lyrical, soulful, and unfortunately lacking in technical skills. He had two jumps that Yakov added. The coach didn’t want to overload him so soon after learning the doubles. Yuuri had thankfully landed the loop and the axel, but they were still shaky. Viktor was already working on his triples. Minako had to remind herself that this wasn’t a race, but she did want to make sure Yuuri wasn’t falling behind. Yep, jump training would be a heavy focus for them both this year.

              They had work to do.

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Dear Viktor,                                                                                                                                          June 20, 2000

Hello. I hope you are good. Okukawa-sensei (Madame Minako) helped me write this letter. I am still learning my English. I wanted to give this photo to you so that you also remember our summer. I had fun and learned a lot. Thank you!

p.s.            Don’t worry, I have a copy too. I also gave Georgi one.

p.p.s.        My sister, Mari, wants you to grow out your hair. She says that girls will love it. I don’t know what that means, but I like your hair!

Sincerely,

Katsuki Yuuri

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Dear Yuuri,                                                                                                                                                July 1, 2000

I am very glad that you sent me a letter. Thank you for the picture too! Writing in English is easier for me than speaking it. I will practice both now! Let’s keep writing letters so we can practice together!!

I have never thought about long hair before. I’m not sure that many boys have their hair like that. I think it would be pretty.

p.s        Georgi has a crush on one of the ballet dancers. I’m sure of it. I can’t remember her name. She has short blonde hair. Do you remember?

Sincerely,

Viktor Nikiforov

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Dear Viktor,                                                                                                                                        August 1, 2000

You should just ask Georgi who he likes. If it is the girl I am thinking of, her name is Katya, and she is very nice. I think Madame Lilia would be very happy if you’d talk to the dancers more.

I think practicing our English through letters is a very good idea. Thank you. Okukawa-sensei bought me a dictionary today to help me with my words. My teacher asks many questions in English class.

When is your birthday?

What is your favorite color?

What is your favorite animal?

Sincerely,

Katsuki Yuuri

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Dear Yuuri,                                                                                                                             September 26, 2000

I asked Georgi like you wanted and he did say it was Katya! She has broken up with him. He’s very sad. I don’t really enjoy dance class with Madame Lilia, so I don’t really want to get to know them. Dancing was only fun when you were here.

My mom gave me a dictionary the other day. Here is a word that I think is funny. Doohickey. In Russian we call this “shtukovina.” It is written like this штуковина.  

My birthday is December 25.

My favorite color is pink, but I tell everyone it is blue.

My favorite animal is a poodle dog. I have a puppy! Here’s a picture of her. Isn’t she so pretty? Her name is Makkachin.

What are your answers?

Sincerely,

Viktor Nikiforov

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Dear Viktor,                                                                                                                                  October 21, 2000

I’m sad for Georgi.

You have more fun on the ice. You don’t have to like dancing too. I also had fun dancing with you.

That is a funny word! Here is another. Jackalope. It’s supposed to be an American rabbit with horns. I do not think it is real.

My birthday is November 29.

My favorite color is blue. I think pink is a nice color. You should tell people that it is your actual favorite color.

I do not think I have a favorite animal. Maybe whales which make pretty sounds on the ocean. I also prefer cats over dogs, but Makkachin is very pretty. Thank you for the picture!

Sincerely.

Katsuki Yuuri

Chapter Text

              It had been a terrible year for Yakov so far. Lilia filed for divorce in January due to “irretrievable breakdown of marriage.” She had been unhappy with him for a long time, he knew it. Her eyes had started to burn with fire every time they were in the same room and yet the air would be frosty. In court she cited that he had a lack of respect for her profession and undermined her opinions. Never once was it said that she didn’t love him, but her career was more important than love anyway. She didn’t fight for the house, the car, or even any money from Yakov. She just wanted Yakov to agree to dissolve the business partnership effective immediately and return it to how it was before their marriage. She was willing to consult on choreography only. For the students, not him. No further collaboration outside of this was possible. How could this have happened? What had Yakov done to deserve this pain? For months he brooded on these questions, angry at anything that reminded him of her. He agonized over their previous fights. Regretted his hubris. It earned him no forgiveness from Lilia in the end. His six-year marriage was legally over by May. Much of the hair on top of his head left soon after, what little was left by that point at least. He felt like a failure all around.

              Now though, it was hard to feel like a failure with Vitya on the ice. The young boy worked so hard this year at the national events to qualify for his first junior grand prix competition. His enthusiasm by that alone was nearly contagious enough to pull Yakov out of his depression. Viktor even qualified for two JGP events! If he did well enough at both, he’d make it to the grand prix final on his first try in his debut year. Yakov swelled with pride. It was his greatest joy to teach such talent. He loved nothing more than the ice… and in this moment Yakov realized that was the problem with his marriage all along. He hadn’t opened his heart to Lilia’s passion but expected her to share his. A terrible mistake.

              Vitya’s free skate song was about change, evolution, and growing up. He was a blossoming flower bud taking to the sun. The boy absorbed every bit of it and wanted more. Yakov had never witnessed a debut so hungry and was eager to see where that would take them in the future. Thoughts of podiums and gold medals flashed in his mind. Sofia, Bulgaria loved him, they sang his praises as he struck his final pose and bowed. The smile on Viktor’s face made this whole year worth it. In the end he narrowly lost out on the gold medal, but this had still been an impressive few days. Yakov felt hope for the first time in months. He would be okay. Maybe Lilia and he could have a different kind of relationship in the future. Even if it was only a professional one.

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Dear Yuuri,                                                                                                                             September 16, 2001

I won silver at the Sofia Cup today! I wanted gold, but I need more time. How are you? You haven’t written to me in so long. Training has kept me so busy too. Yakov has been so grumpy lately.

I’ll be in Japan soon for my second grand prix event. Would you be able to come to watch me perform at the SBC Cup in Nagano? The event will be from November 15-18. I’ll win gold for your birthday!

Sincerely,

Viktor

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Dear Viktor,                                                                                                                            September 30, 2001

Congratulations! I talked to my parents, and we will be there to see your next event!

Sorry for not writing for the past few months. School has been busy. I joined a language club and have been working on my English in my spare time when I’m not training.

Seeing you skate again will be my birthday present, not the gold medal, but I know you can win! I can’t wait to see a real competition in person instead of on TV.

Okukawa-sensei told me about Coach Yakov and Madame Lilia. She says that sometimes people fall out of love.

Sincerely,

Yuuri

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              Mari enjoyed the trip to Nagano for the most part. The autumn scenery had been beautiful from the view of their train window. Red had started to kiss the leaves on trees in the distance. Leaving Hasetsu was something they as a family rarely had the chance to do. She had been out a few times with Minako, but not many. Their parents approved days off from school for this trip, something completely unheard of. This was almost like a real vacation. There was even a bit of pocket money that burned a hole in her pocket from her after school job that she planned to use to buy some new CDs in the city. Maybe she would finally get her ears pierced on this trip. Mom promised to go with her, just the two of them.

              What wasn’t enjoyable, however, was her little brother and all his energy. Mom and Dad sat together in the row of seats in front of the siblings. They were comfortably enjoying a few laughs and leaning on each other lovingly. Lucky them. Yuuri, sat to her right near the aisle and bounced his knee up and down so fast, it made their chairs vibrate. Hours went by like this. He didn’t even know he was doing it even when Mari had pointed it out. Twice.

              The family had talked very seriously about anxiety when Yuuri had gotten back from Russia last year. Her little brother was a constant ball of nerves, she’d always known that. Mari had seen him work himself up so badly that he threw up behind their house multiple times before this conversation. Their shared secret. He begged her not to tell their parents. It worried her deeply then and she worried now. How could she protect him from his own mind? When Yuuri got back from their trip, he opened up about his fears and how hard it was for him sometimes. It tumbled out like a waterfall at dinner. He cried for hours. Mari held him tightly. Mom and dad promised to learn as much about anxiety as they could so that they could help, even hire a therapist. They would do anything. He promised to communicate when he needed help. Mari kept holding him that night until he slept. She made a makeshift fort for them like they had when they were younger. She realized that this was all she could do. Be there for him.

              “Yuuri. Stop before I push you out of your seat.” She groaned at him. Was he doing okay? He’s the one who wanted to go on this trip in the first place, he should be relaxing. Yuuri shook his head slightly as if he were in a dream and turned to slowly look at her. His new glasses sat a bit crooked on his nose. They were a few months old and Yuuri still wasn’t used to them. She quirked her mouth up a bit at the sight. It was impossible to be annoyed at the little guy when he looked so dorky. Her big sister mode activated as she reached over to brush some hair out of his eyes. Straightening up his glasses, she leaned back against the window. “What, are you nervous or something?”

              “Sorry…” He squeaked. “No, um, I’m really excited. I just don’t want to be late.” He began wringing his hands instead of tapping his foot and it was an improvement.

              “We’re not going to be late. You’ll get to see him, I promise.” Mari sighed. Yuuri laughed at her comment, and she quirked an eyebrow at him.

              “I know we’ll see Viktor. That’s not what I’m worried about. I don’t want to miss anything. There are so many events. I am looking forward to seeing everyone perform! Everyone has worked so hard and one day that will be me up there. We have to get flowers!” Yuuri sighed dreamily and sank back into his seat.

              “You’re going to be at the top of that podium, I know it.” She reached over to ruffle his hair, messing up her prior work. “Now quit moving. Take a nap or something. We’ve got like another hour to go.”  She settled against the window to take in the scenery again. Yuuri huffed childishly and leaned against her shoulder to get comfortable. He wiggled until she lifted her arm for him to snuggle close.

              “Fine, but you had better wake me up when we get there.” He took off his glasses and held them gently in his lap. Ten minutes later and his breath shifted. Peace at last.

A few flashes startled her. She met the eyes of her dad with Yuuri’s camera in hand. He had turned around and aimed it through the space between the seats. She rolled her eyes at him and hid a smile. Yuuri had started a scrapbook and wanted anything and everything in it.

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              Chris looked out at the crowd from the podium with so much pride in his chest. Cameras flashed. Colorful flags waved. The old man in front of him gestured for the boy to bend down and receive his bronze medal. His very first medal for his very first junior grand prix event! Chris’ coach, Josef, and parents had decided that he would only compete in one event this year since he had just started. This meant that he wouldn’t be able to qualify for the final. It didn’t matter though, this medal around his neck meant everything! Next year, he’ll achieve more! He’d get gold! The cheering of the fans in the stands made his cheeks rosy. It was an energy that buzzed in his veins. One day they would all know his name. You wouldn’t be able to talk about this sport without saying the name Christophe Giacometti in the same breath.

              One big obstacle stood in his way, however. Viktor Nikiforov was standing next to him in the middle of the platform, flower bouquet in hand and a thousand-watt smile. Silver blonde hair in a half up, half down style as if he were growing it out. His costume was soft, green at the feet and arms with a gradient of red climbing up his chest. He was a picture of a perfect rose. Beautiful. Watching Viktor had been inspiring. They were the same age, but the other boy had star-power already oozing from his pores. Talent sparkled through every jump. Each sequin shined with the power of a winner. It awed Chris as much as it frustrated him. How would he even win if he skated on the same ice as him? Viktor bent to accept his gold medal with the face of a doll. His country’s anthem began to play. Blue eyes seemed preoccupied though, darting around looking for somethin. He was casual about it or at least tried to be. Viktor wouldn’t turn his head even though he wasn’t finding what he was looking for. Chris realized that it was because of the cameras. The Russian boy wanted to remain calm and poised for the audience. Aged 13 and already cultivating a perfect image. How could he be this flawless? Insecurity burned Chris, causing a bitter feeling in his mouth.

              Viktor let out a pleased sound after a few moments. A sort of hiccup sound mixed with a sigh. The object of his attention was at the edge of the rink right in front of them. Chris looked up at him surprised and watched his bright smile morph. The corners of his mouth dipped lower than before, less teeth were visible, but his eyes shined and crinkled in the corners. If Viktor looked happy now, what was the look on his face before? This smile was softer, younger. Viktor looked like a normal boy now rather than an untouchable champion. This pleased Chris immensely. It also soothed a bubble of worry he didn’t know formed in his chest. Standing proudly on the podium immediately became easier. He followed Viktor’s gaze to the boards in front of them. The Russian coach, Yakov, was recognizable. Josef and he had talked a few times over the past two days. The younger kid next to him didn’t ring any bells.

              A large hand was on the boy’s shoulder, but it was stiff. Did they not know each other? The kid bounced up and down, holding some flowers and a stuffed animal. Yakov bent down, seemingly to say something into the kid’s ear. The bouncing stopped. He wasn’t one of the competitors, too young, so who was he? Family? Friend? A crazed fan who forced his way ringside to meet his idol? Chris giggled at that last thought, but it came out as more of a rude snort.

              The sound catches Viktor’s attention despite the noise around them. Chris adjusted his face to be as neutral as possible, but not quick enough. Caught. Viktor’s smile didn’t drop entirely, but the crinkle around his eyes disappeared. They were cold as he fixed them on Chris with a quirked brow. No, not cold necessarily, but definitely sharp. He sheepishly rubbed the back of his head and whispered a “Sorry” that he hoped the boy above him heard. The anthem music ended. Ushers guided the medalists off the podium, taking the temporary hard guards that they had provided. Victor skated to the exit of the ice on a mission. It was like he was being pulled by something or maybe he couldn’t get away from Chris fast enough. The winner’s bouquet handed to him during the ceremony hung limping in his hand as if he wanted to drop it. Chris had to speed up considerably to catch up.

              “I wasn’t making fun of you before, I promise.” Chris repeated his apology, hoping his sincerity shined through. “It’s just you were looking like an idol before and then you looked so normal. It was surprising.” Viktor slowed down enough to look at Chriswith a sideways smile. Chris quickly added, “In a good way!”

              “Of course I’m normal.” Viktor replied with confusion. “I just want to represent Russia well. I need to create an image that would make my country proud.” Chris nodded because it made sense. Viktor continued, “That’s my friend over there! He lives in Japan, so we haven’t seen each other in a long time. It’s his birthday is soon so we’re going to celebrate.” He trailed off absentmindedly as he smiled that special smile again, his free hand holding the gold medal.

              “That’s great!” Chris smiled cheerfully even if Viktor talked about his friend a bit strangely. “I thought your free skate was amazing today! You have incredible jumps.” He offered.

              “Thank you! I’ve been working on them for a long time. Your talent really shined through today too!” Viktor smiled brightly. Chris beamed. He’s always been praised by his family and coach, but never by a peer.

              “Really, you think so?” He could feel his ears begin to burn. Viktor nodded quickly.

              “Will I see you at World’s?” He asked.

              “Not this year! But you’ll see me on the podium again next year!” Chris promised the other boy. It was a bit overzealous, he realized immediately afterwards. Viktor’s face was worth it though; a fire lit in his eyes.

              “A rival, huh? We haven’t been properly introduced. My name is Viktor Nikiforov and I’m not going to stop getting gold.” He held out his hand for Chris to shake.

              “My name is Christophe Giacometti and you’re going to have to earn them because I’ll never stop getting better. Don’t forget it.” He took Viktor’s extended hand, sealing their friendship and rivalry in stone.

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              “Vitya! Quit fooling around and come collect your friend. I’m not a babysitter.” Yakov’s voice rang out into the arena jolting Yuuri out of his barely contained excitement. His arms overflowed with gifts for Viktor and the other medalists. The silver medalist, Sven, made it to the exit first and had graciously accepted Yuuri’s flowers when walking by. He was a bit older than Viktor and wore a soft expression as the boy gushed about his step sequences. Probably because Yuuri was young and acting like a fan, he considered much later in the day in mortification. Yakov, as gruff as he was, even took a picture of him and the skater. Best birthday ever. The sound of the ice, the compositions of everyone’s performances, even the music made Yuuri surer than ever that this was the life for him. His nerves couldn’t stop him.

               Yuuri watched as Viktor smiled apologetically at the bronze medalist, Christophe Giacometti, and handed him the winner’s bouquet. Yuuri has been enthralled with this skater’s performance because he highlighted spin combinations which he adored. Chris’ mouth dropped in response to Viktor’s action, but the other boy had already sped off. Yakov met him at the opening in the boards with his hard guards so that he could walk normally off the ice. Yuuri followed slowly behind Yakov, suddenly nervous. Viktor looked much taller than he was last year while he hadn’t seemed to grow an inch. It made sense in the logical part of Yuuri’s brain, Viktor was older than him, but it made him feel small. Blue eyes locked on him and before he knew it, he was crushed in a hug. The impact almost lifted Yuuri off the ground, glasses nearly breaking under the pressure. Sequins pressed into his face.

             “Yuuurii!” Viktor squealed. He sounded the same at least. The energy that he was used to from their time together in Russia was the same too. Yuuri relaxed. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Chris reach the exit as well. “I missed you! You didn’t tell me that you have cute glasses now. Do you like my hair??” Arms squeezed harder and Yuuri almost lost the things in his arms.

             “Viktor! You’re crushing me!” Yuuri grunted. Once released, he smiled warmly at his friend. He adjusted the things in his arms to present to Viktor, “This is for you! As an early birthday present.” This stuffed animal had been near impossible to find, but his whole family had hunted for a few weeks until one day his dad walked into Yuuri’s room shouting victory at last.

             “Makkachin!” Viktor cheered as he accepted the gift with a toothy grin, “But Yuuri, we’re supposed to celebrate your birthday.” His hand went to the gold medal around his neck and Yuuri quickly presented the next gift. Yakov had already lectured him that he was NOT to wear Viktor’s medal in this arena.

             “This is for winning today! I thought you might like this color. Mari helped choose the types of flowers though, I wasn’t sure what to pick at the store. Do you like it?” It was a bouquet of greenery, pink roses, and pink peonies. Viktor’s eyes widened as he accepted his gift, cheeks turning nearly the same shade.

             “Yuuri, I-” Viktor started but seemed to lose his words. Yuuri took that as a good sign. He glanced behind Viktor and saw that Chris finally made it to the exit and accepted his own hard guards from his parents who kissed his cheeks. His coach patted his curly blonde hair and told him he did a wonderful job. Yuuri smiled at the scene. He hoped that his parents could be there for some of his events in the future. That must feel nice. It occurred to him that Viktor’s parents weren’t here either. He hopes that he’s doing okay, he’d ask him later tonight when there wasn’t so much of a crowd. Chris’ parents grabbed their belongings, took the bouquet from his arms, and started to make their way out of the arena. Oh no! He hadn’t given him his bouquet or asked for a picture.

              “I’m sorry, Viktor, I’ll be right back. I need a quick photo for my scrapbook.” Yuuri smiled at his friend before walking over to the other skater. He didn’t wait for a reaction or answer from Viktor, but he hopes this wasn’t too rude. “Um, excuse me, I’m sorry to bother you.” He stammered as he made it close enough to address the older boy directly. “Your name is Christophe Giacometti, right?” Chris turned to fully look at him. His green eyes were bright, and his eyebrows raised in a surprised motion. Extremely nervous now, he fiddled with the second bouquet in his hands, but he tried to remain earnest in his mission.

              “Hey there, that’s me!” Chris smiled at him brightly. That made him feel a little better.

              “My name is Katsuki Yuuri. I’m, um, going to be making my debut in a few years. I wanted to let you know that I really admired your skating today. You have wonderful spin sequences. They’re pretty. It’s my favorite skill in my own skating. I really hope we can skate on the same ice in the future.” Yuuri spoke quickly in slightly broken English and was proud of how much progress in the language he had made this year. The words wouldn’t stop though. His voice was a river. The water washed over Chris without resistance. Realizing that he was rambling, Yuuri bit his lip and took a deep breath. “Um these are for you…. I was hoping that we could take a picture?” Yuuri was so embarrassed, but he couldn’t stop now. “You can say no!”

               “Thank you so much! Red roses are my favorite.” Chris grinned at Yuuri as he reached out to accept the bouquet in his arms. He winked at him too. A surprised squeak involuntarily left Yuuri’s lips. He slammed his hand over his mouth. His eyes went wide, and they darted away to break eye contact. His heartbeat sped up to a strange tempo. Why did he wink at him? Was it like in the movies? Was Yuuri going to faint now? He prayed that he wouldn’t. Now that his head was turned, he noticed Viktor’s blank expression.

               “I can’t wait to see what kind of skater you are, little Yuuri. You can call me Chris. All my friends do! Let’s take that picture you wanted!” His response soothed Yuuri’s embarrassment enough that he could look at him again. At least until he noticed how long Chris’ eyelashes were. He did feel a little faint then actually. His Russian friend slinked up to them grumpily now.

               “Yuuri, did you like my skating too? I’m the one that won gold for your birthday.” Viktor pouted as he bumped his shoulder against him. Chris gave Viktor a strange smile as if he found something funny. “Will you wear your gift?” He insisted.

               “Your skating was perfect, but I can’t.” Yuuri smiled, hoping he would understand. Yakov stood a few feet away fuming at the boy for disregarding the honor he was awarded but remained silent. Chris looked back at his parents to check if they were still there. “Yakov will be so angry if I wear it, but maybe later, okay?” Yuuri whispered this so that only his friend heard. Viktor, who had pulled the medal off his neck already, was gently held at bay by Yuuri’s hands. He glanced at his coach for a second and nodded at Yuuri in understanding. The stuffed animal and bouquet were barely balancing in Viktor’s arms. “Be careful or you’ll drop everything.”

               “Oh right,” Viktor lowered his arms and adjusted the items in his arms, the medal limp in his hands.

               “Let’s take a picture with Chris before he has to leave. Yakov already took my picture with Sven!”

               “Who?” Viktor quirked his head in confusion. Chris mirrored this expression.

                “The silver medalist? Did you two not talk to him? He had great step sequences. Really flew across the ice. I want to do that!” Yuuri bounced again with enthusiasm.

                “Ohh, that guy,” Viktor’s eyes widened with recognition. “So, after pictures we can go get dinner, yeah?” His mood lightening quickly much to Yuuri’s happiness.

                “Yes! My mom has found a great place where you can have Japanese food. I’ll teach you all the names I know, okay?” After Viktor cheered, Yuuri walked over to Yakov’s side, uttered an apology, and asked for a few more pictures.

                “If I must.” He grumbled, but a small smile quirked at the corner of his mouth telling Yuuri that he wasn’t upset.

                “I want a separate picture without Chris!” Viktor declared.

                “Well, I want a separate picture with only Viktor!” Chris retorted.

                 “Quite whining. I’ll take all of your silly pictures. I want to leave this place.” Yakov demanded.

                 In the end, Chris and Yuuri exchanged mailing information because he promised to send him some of the developed pictures. Yes, Yuuri was content with this birthday trip. His skating world was growing, and he couldn’t wait to experience more.

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Dear Chris,                                                                                                                              November 20, 2001

Hi! It’s Katsuki Yuuri from the JGP event. Here are some of the copies of the photos we took. Thank you for doing that. It’s a great memory.

I’ll see you when I join the competition circuit!

Sincerely,

Katsuki Yuuri

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Dear Yuuri                                                                                                                                   December 1, 2001

Hey there, little Yuuri! These are great pictures. It was great meeting you, even if your boyfriend got a little jealous.

See you in a few years, give it all you’ve got!

Sincerely,

Chris Giacometti

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Yuuri did not return Chris’ letter.

A few weeks later, he expected a reply from Viktor about the Junior Grand Prix Final in Bled, Slovenia. Instead, he received a small package. He opened the box to find a letter inside.

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Dear Yuuri,                                                                                                                               December 17, 2001

I won my second gold! Will you wear this one now, for my birthday? Will you take a picture too? I want it to be your good luck charm. You’ll dance on the ice like no one ever has before. I can’t wait to see it.

Please call me Vitya.

Warmly,

Vitya

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Inside the package was Viktor’s first gold medal as promised. He touched it gently, almost expecting it to be warm. Slowly he took it out of the box and placed it around his neck. It was heavy and Yuuri’s heart beat again to that strange rhythm he wasn’t used to last month. Something caught his eye at the bottom of the box. A picture?

He picked the photo up and nearly dropped it. Viktor was holding up the very same medal to his lips. His entire face warmed immediately.

“Hey, you look like a tomato.” Mari poked her head into Yuuri’s bedroom. He grabbed the nearest item, a pillow, from his bed, and threw it at her.

“Get out!”

Chapter Text

       Yuuri stared at the ceiling of his bedroom, letter limp in his hand. The white paint was starting to show its age, peeling in places. Their family home was much older than he was after all. He’d tell his dad at dinner and maybe they could touch it up. The answers he looked for weren’t there on the ceiling. He tossed the letter aside and sat up with his back against the wall. Photos greeted him along the other wall in front of him. Images of Mari sticking her tongue out at the camera, Yuuko and him at the beach, and his parents walking under cherry blossoms. His childhood scrapbook filled their pages to the brim over the years, then another, and another. Eventually there weren’t enough books, and he pasted them to any surface he could. It was nice to be reminded of those who loved him. If he missed them, he could look at those images and recall the comforting memories. Viktor’s face wasn’t a source of positivity today, however. Not after the news he just dropped. Casually, flippantly, as if the words weren’t meant to hurt him. His face just annoyed him.

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Dear Yuuri,                                                                                                                                           June 15, 2003

Are you excited to debut this year? I know you will skate beautifully. How could you not with your talent and the good luck charm?

I’ve looked at the schedules this year and it doesn’t look like any of the senior division’s grand prix events line up with the junior events. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to see you win, I’m really very sorry.

I want to celebrate your birthday again this year to make up for it. Maybe if I am assigned to the NHK Trophy this year, I can visit your home afterwards? It’s right around your birthday.

Warmly,

Vitya

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              Yuuri grabbed the letter again and crumpled it in his hand. Why was he even so upset? It didn’t even matter that they wouldn’t be competing in the same division this year. They would still be friends no matter what. It was less pressure now, wasn’t it? He didn’t have to think about his debut and Viktor at the same time. This was a blessing. Viktor even mentioned trying to visit for his birthday…

               He sighed and uncrumpled the piece of paper again. Folding it neatly, placing it back in its envelope, he stood up from his bed. There was a special box on the bottom shelf of his wardrobe where he kept all of Viktor’s letters. He’d never thrown a single one away, not one. Why did he keep them all? There were gifts too. Magnets, post cards, pressed flowers. There were photos in this box too. Ones that felt extra special. Viktor’s face was usually glowing in them, smiling radiantly, sometimes his cheeks were even a little pink. Those were his favorites. Embarrassment did prevent him from putting them on the photo wall though. He reached the very bottom of the box and pulled out a gold medal and a photograph. Viktor was pressing his lips to the gold medal in the image, cheeks faintly pink. Yuuri stared at the medal for a long time before imitating the action. It was an urge; one he’d never given into but that he’d had many times. The cold medal tingled his lips, and he knew. He knew now what the strange tempo of his heart was whenever he thought of Viktor. He understood why he was upset.

              “This sucks.” He released the breath he had been holding and tossed the objects back into his memory box as if they were burning him. Standing up, he pushed the box back into place and left for Mari’s room. The door was closed, but he barged in anyway. She did it to him all the time, why should he care? It was an emergency after all.

              “Thanks for knocking,” Mari scoffed at him from her place on her bed. She had been listening to some of her CDs on her new Walkman that she received as an early birthday present from Minako. Mari scanned his face with a frown and put the device up quickly. Yuuri plopped down on her bed with a thud.

              “Boys are dumb.” He whined into one of her pillows. Mari, who was turning eighteen next month, nodded sagely.

              “That they are.” She scooted closer to pat his back. “What did Viktor do?”

              “I didn’t say it was Viktor.” He pulled his head up to sneer at her. She tilted her head in a way that made him feel ridiculous. Was it that obvious? Did Viktor know that Yuuri liked him? Oh no…

              “It’s always Viktor.” She rolled her eyes but patted his back in a soothing pattern anyway. He needed this. It encouraged him to release the tension he built in his shoulders.

              “Oh man it really is, isn’t it?” Yuuri pressed further into the bed like it would do him a favor and swallow him whole. Wouldn’t that be nice, just for a little while?

              “Figured it out, huh? What did he do?” Mari’s tone was gentle. He silently thanked her for that. Being brutally made fun of over his first crush would make this infinitely worse. He trusted her, though, not to do that.  

              “He moved to the senior division this year! Can you believe that?!” He sprang up and pulled the pillow into his lap to squeeze tightly. “He just told me like it was nothing. I didn’t even know he was thinking about switching so early.” Yuuri looked at her with watery eyes. Please don’t cry. Please don’t cry. Please don’t cry.

              “That must have hurt.” Mari said thoughtfully after a moment. She held open her arms, requesting a hug. Yuuri accepted it quickly. He practically curled up in her lap like a cat. Hard to believe he would be fourteen in a few months, today can’t get any worse in the embarrassment department. She let him breath for a little while before deciding to be the voice of reason. “Did you tell him you wanted him to stay in the junior division a little while longer?”

              “No. I guess I just thought he would want to; he only just started the junior division two years ago.” Yuuri grumbled. “I thought we’d skate together again this year. What if he did this on purpose to see me less?”

              “Doubt that.” She snorted. Her eyes pinched at the corners as she smiled in amusement. Yuuri hated when she did that, he could never guess what she was thinking. “Did he say that you two would never see each other again or something?” Mari played with his hair.

              “No, he wants to visit here for my birthday if he gets assigned to the event taking place in Japan.” Yuuri sighed, relinquishing the pillow. There it was, the reason not to worry and not be upset. He had so much trouble finding these types of reasons any time he was worried. He hated how long it took him to detangle those thoughts without someone else’s help. Maybe it was time to ask for that therapist… wouldn’t it great to be able to work through this by himself sometimes?

              “See, the world isn’t ending. You’ll be on the same ice before you know it!” Mari squeezed him tightly before promptly kicking him out of her room. It only occurred to him later that Mari didn’t even question the fact that his crush was on a boy instead of a girl. If she had… maybe he would be questioning it now too. Surprisingly, he felt at ease about that part of his revelation today. Was really okay to like both girls and boys? He hadn’t really liked anyone other than Viktor to even decide how he felt about that before.

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              Yuuri was going to be fine. Fine. Minako wasn’t worried in the slightest about Yuuri skating last for the free skate routine, at all. Her right foot tapping up a storm meant nothing. The picked nail cuticles? Absolutely normal. He had done beautifully the day before during his short skate routine, so there was no reason to fret now…

              Oh, who was she kidding, she was a wreck. Anxiety wasn’t something she normally struggled with, but this year she wanted to prove that she could do this, be an ice-skating coach, but also that she could help Yuuri’s talent bloom. They had spent years, years, cultivating something beautiful and now was their time to shine. What if it came crashing down?

              “Minako… everything is going to be okay right? Even if I don’t win?” Yuuri whispered from his place next to her. They were in the hallway waiting to be called to perform next. It was a cold, blank hallway with nothing to focus on. She hadn’t even noticed him pacing, or when he’d stopped to grab her sleeve for attention. A wave of cold rushed through her veins. Damnit, she shouldn’t worry so much in front of him. He’ll begin to worry too, more than he already was.

              “Oh, my sweet Yuuri, yes. Everything will be more than okay even if you don’t win.” She reached out to cup his cheek. When had he gotten so tall? Just yesterday, he was as tall as her knee… “I just got a little nervous is all. See? It happens to me too sometimes. Let’s talk about it.” His eyes went wide, and he nodded.

              She guided him to sit on the floor with her for a moment. If she remembered correctly, this was called grounding? Hiroko said that she did this with Yuuri every day and he really enjoyed it. Outside was preferable, but they had to use their resources. She hadn’t tried it with him herself, but maybe they needed to take a minute and try it out together. The cold floor was soothing even though she had to ignore how dirty it was. Yuuri grabbed her hands and sat tailor style. He closed his eyes and took a few breaths.

              “I’m nervous that I’m going to fall. I’m scared that I’m going to embarrass my family on TV.” He exhaled quietly after a few moments. She took his lead.

              “I’m nervous that I didn’t learn enough. I’m worried that I am not a good coach.” It felt good to say the words out loud. It was great to hear Yuuri open up too.

              “I think that you are a great coach and that we’ve both learned a lot.” He opened his brown eyes, and they looked a little clearer than before. They almost twinkled in the same way as his costume did. She smiled inwardly… almost 40 and she needed validation from a 13-year-old.

              “Your family would never be embarrassed by seeing you do something you are passionate about. They adore you simply for being who you are. You don’t have to earn that by winning. Now about falling. It might happen, and you know what? That’s okay. Part of jumping is falling. That’s just gravity kiddo. We’ve practiced falling safely. That’s most important.” She grabbed his face. “You never have to jump anything you feel uncomfortable jumping. Just know that I believe in you.”

              He put his hands on hers and squeezed. “Okay!”

              “Okay?!” Minako laughed. He nodded and began pushing up off the floor.

              “Okay! I’m sweaty and still worried, but I can do this. I can win gold.” He formed his fingers into fists in determination.

              “You don’t have to get gold, just do your best.” She ruffled his hair and began walking to the rink as they called his name.

              “Oh, I’m getting gold.”

------

              Little Yuuri was skating today in Bratislava, Slovakia for his very first international event, and Viktor wasn’t here to see it. Chris ate every second of that fact up while he sat on the bench next to Josef. A TV screen in the room displayed the ongoing free skate for the other competitors who wanted to watch. Like him, a few seemed to be enthralled by the boy. Georgi in particular seemed to be beaming. He was coached by the same man as Viktor; it stood to reason that he would be friendly with Yuuri too Chris guessed. Some in the room, though, frowned at their competition. Michele Crispino, an Italian skater also making his debut, was particularly watching him like a hawk. He had done particularly well for a newbie this year so this could be jealously over the sport…. But Chris gathered that Michele was glaring at Yuuri because his twin sister, Sara, wasn’t. She was competing tomorrow in the women’s division but came with their coach to support her brother today. The smile on her face seemed to be directed at the boy rather than the performance.

              Chris could understand why they all had these varying reactions. Yuuri looked like a star on the ice today. A literal star. His free skate costume was a gradient of dark blue, purple, and gray. Sequins sparkled like the night sky. He danced effortlessly with his hair slicked back to show his face. The expression was mystical. A shooting star come to life. Yuuri was playing a song of dreams come true for his audience, futures to be had. He wasn’t cocky, he was hopeful. How could the audience not become wistful when their own wishes are being sparked by this boy on the ice? Oh, it made his heart dance wildly with excitement to witness this passion. Such a man was going to break hearts in just a few years. Chris could imagine his Russian friend fretting about that very fact right this minute. “Don’t flirt with him, Chris. Don’t distract him, Chris. You know what? Don’t even talk to him, Chris.” All words that may or may not have been said during their last phone call. We’ll just have to see about that Viktor… you’re so cute when you’re mad.

              Honestly, Chris was surprised that Viktor decided to change divisions this year of all years anyway. Yuuri was precious to him, he brought him up in any and every conversation. The boy was in love; it was clear to anyone who paid attention. Without him here, who’s to say that Yuuri wouldn’t find someone new? Chris hadn’t spoken with Yuuri enough to even know if Viktor’s feelings were requited so anything could happen. Little Sara over there was his age after all. We would just have to wait and see, Chris supposed. Whatever Viktor’s reasoning for becoming a senior figure skater this year, he hoped his friend thought through it.

               Yuuri was skating last. His score placement risked toppling the current podium hierarchy. Chris – Gold. Michele Crispino – Silver. Georgi Popovich – Bronze. A gasp let out in the room and Chris paid closer attention to the screen. Did Yuuri just complete a jump sequence with a triple axel, at the end of his free skate when he should be tired, in his debut?? He’d been jumping a few doubles here and there so far this competition, relying mostly on his program components score, and then BAM. He watched his finishing sit spin sequence with jealous interest. A few years ago, Yuuri said it himself, it was his favorite skill. Chris believed Viktor when he said Yuuri’s talent would make him fierce competition, but he hadn’t expected another rival so soon.

               “Shit. There goes my gold.” Chris cursed. Josef elbowed him in the ribs in response.

               “Language young man! We don’t know that. The score hasn’t been tallied.” His coach implored. Chris knew it was over though. He should have tried just a bit harder. With Viktor out of the JGP this year, he felt that he finally had gold in the bag. Maybe that Viktor was giving Chris his time to shine. No. Viktor left so that the world would watch Yuuri instead. He knew that Yuuri would win gold if he wasn’t there to distract them. How silly of Viktor, though, to think that Yuuri wouldn’t have just won gold anyway. If they weren’t all careful, Yuuri would blow them all out of the water.

               Soon, the inevitable was announced. Yuuri’s genuine shock at the score was so palpable that Chris released the breath of negativity he’d been holding. He was not the type to drag others down just because he was bummed. Next event will be his crowning jewel! He will catch up to those two, guaranteed. No reason to mope about it. Yuuri hung onto his coach’s neck, and she returned the embrace tightly. An evil giddiness filled Chris’ chest again. How embarrassed can he make the Japanese skater today? This was his first win, the teasing potential was immense.

***

              The podium ceremony wasn’t overly long, but Chris could tell Yuuri was drained. He was a bit pale and slightly wobbly on his feet. Oh, please don’t faint here was all he thought the entire time. Every flash of a camera enlisted a faint wincing sound from the boy. Chris glanced at him occasionally, watching him squint because of the bright lights. Yuuri smiled as widely as he could the entire time though, mimicking Viktor’s PR mentality.

              “Chris, can you hear me?” Yuuri whispered. Chris nodded and turned his head as subtly as he could towards the gold medalist. Yuuri did the same and, yeah, something was wrong. He was sweating more than he should be. The drops soaked the mesh at his neck.

              “Are you okay?” Chris whispered through a static smile, forcing his expression to have as little worry on it as possible. The medalists weren’t forbidden from talking, but he didn’t want to memorialize whatever was wrong on camera for Yuuri to look back on in embarrassment.

              “Um. Yes – no… Okay, truth time, no I’m really not okay at all. I need to throw up. How much longer is this ceremony?” Permanent smile plastered on his face, he accepted the flowers and gold medal from the female attendant. His nation’s anthem began to play.

              “Oh damn, okay. It’s just a few minutes longer. Then they will help you down and let you go. Do you care about cameras?” Chris whispered again through his teeth. Yuuri subtly nodded as best as he could. “Okay, well, move quickly and keep the hard guards they gave you for the podium. Try not to stop smiling and waving until you are off the ice. Don’t zoom.”

              “Thanks. I’m going straight for the locker room. Don’t tell my coach why. Just tell her I am in the bathroom. I’ll come back soon.”  He faked another smile and returned his full attention to the audience. Chris tried to do the same but worry tightened his stomach. There would be no mischief today...

              Soon the song was over, and they were going through the motions. Yuuri succeeded in his mission to casually get to the exit as fast as he could. Chris kept up the pace with him too so that it didn’t seem suspicious. He agreed to tell the cover story to his coach before he left with his parents. Yuuri didn’t want Chris following him, but Chris was not about to let him be alone. Georgi seemed to be his friend, he intended to enlist his help too for back-up.

              “Hiii! You’re little Yuuri’s coach, right? Congratulationsss.” Chris laid on the charm as naturally and thickly as he could. She stopped scanning the crowd for her student and looked at him with delight and confusion.

             “Yes, I am. You’re Christophe Giacometti, right? You’re very talented! Congratulations to you as well. Forgive me for being blunt, but where is Yuuri now?” She narrowed her eyes at him intently and Chris squirmed.

             “He really needed the restroom. He wanted me to pass along the message. I’m not sure which one exactly, let me go look!” He offered as helpfully and calmly as he could. She tilted her head in thought, and he took the opportunity to go toward the locker room. He briefly told Josef that he would be busy helping a friend so that he wouldn’t be worried when he disappeared. Making eye contact with Georgi, he pointedly gestured for him to follow him. Georgi whispered something curtly to Yakov and casually followed. In the corner of his eye, he watched Yuuri’s coach begin a conversation with Yakov. Definitely busted, oh well.

              There were two bathrooms in the locker room. One with urinals, showers, and a few stalls. The second was a private bathroom with a lockable door if more privacy was required by any athlete. This bathroom’s door was cracked open slightly with the sounds of crying coming from it. Yuuri hadn’t been able to fully close the door or didn’t care. Likely the former.

              “Hey Yuuri, it’s Chris and Georgi. Can we come in?” Chris ventured. The sounds began to resemble hiccups as Yuuri tried to control it. He was having trouble breathing.

              “Please go away. I’m fine. It’s stupid.” He wretched again, but it sounded empty. “Don’t… don’t tell anyone.”

              “Hmm, yeah for a request like that, I’m gonna need to come into that room.” Chris marched right up to the door and slipped inside. He made eye contact with Georgi who sighed and followed, muttering something along the lines of “Damn Vitya… need him.” Chris shut the door fully and locked it behind them. Yuuri sprawled on the tile, hugging the toilet bowl. Georgi stepped closer Yuuri and sat on the ground with him.

              “Are you done throwing up?” Georgi asked softly. Yuuri nodded and let out another sob. “Then you can quit hanging onto that and come here.” Chris widened his eyes. He had always sensed that Georgi was a sensitive one, but he didn’t think he’d do this, even if Yuuri was his friend. Yuuri slowly sat up, looked at Georgi who lifted an arm, indicating that Yuuri was meant to move there. Reluctantly he did. Georgi then lowered his arm to rest on Yuuri’s shoulders. He made eye contact with Chris and indicated with his head that Chris needed to sit on the other side of Yuuri’s body in the same way. They stayed like that until Yuuri’s breathing turned normal.  

              “You shouldn’t have stayed but thank you.” His voice was barely a whisper. Chris tightened his arm which he had opted to wrap around Yuuri’s middle rather than his shoulders.

              “We wanted to help you. We care.” He replied as softly as he could to match the energy. Yuuri tensed but didn’t pull away.

              “I know and that’s why I feel so stupid. I’ve been working on this; it hasn’t happened in so long.” Yuuri’s voice filled with acid directed internally.

              “Working on what, Yuuri?” Georgi asked. Chris caught his eyes growing misty, surprising Chris again. He patted Yuuri’s side with his hand encouragingly.

              “My anxiety. It gets so bad sometimes. My body shuts down. I panic.” Yuuri’s voice shuttered. “It was getting better…”

              “What happened? Aren’t you happy that you won?” Chris asked, looking around for the medal. It had been slung into the corner of the room with his flowers.

              “I’m happy… It’s just everything was so loud. Louder than I expected. So bright. The cameras were flashing. So many yelling fans. I wanted this. I chose this sport, but…” He almost got sick again and the other two boys flinched.

              “Why can’t we tell anyone, Yuuri? Have you not told anyone that this happens?” Chris sighed and leaned his head on Yuuri’s. This was a new feeling for him. A sense of helplessness. His friend was hurting, and he had no control…no way to stop it. And he couldn’t tell anyone? He couldn’t get help?

              “I have… at least a little bit… I just don’t want my parents or Minako or V…. I just don’t want anyone to worry more than they have to.” It was clear to Chris that he had been about to say Viktor, but he filed that away for later.

              “I know that this may be hard to hear but asking us not to tell anyone is making us worry more than we have to.”  Georgi replied softly. “It’s a lot to carry alone.” Yuuri was silent for a bit before he started crying again. The name Mari slipped out of his mouth somewhere in there. There was regret there. More things to talk with Yuuri about later.

              “You’re right, thank you.” Yuuri sighed quietly and curled his abdomen around his knees. Chris and Georgi pulled their arms back a bit but each kept a hand rested on his back. The touch seemed to comfort the younger boy.

              “Are you going to be okay now?” Chris asked. Yuuri nodded and began to stand up. The older boys helped him to his feet and retrieved his belongings. The gold medalist wouldn’t even look them in their eyes. The march to the door was slow going. Yuuri hesitated to face the world again, hand on the door handle.

              “I’ll tell Viktor when I’m ready. Please don’t say anything to him right now. I’ll talk to my family and coach though, I promise.” Yuuri briefly glanced their way before exiting the bathroom. It wasn’t convincing. Georgi and Chris exchanged worried looks before following. Would he actually tell anyone?

---------

              Minako knew something was wrong as soon as Yuuri returned to her. Her face searched his intently and the spark there told him that he couldn’t hide anything anymore. He hadn’t lied to his friends about seeking help, but he thought maybe he could keep delaying it. The way she bit the inside of her cheek and furrowed her eyebrows looked so painful. Not disappointed, just in hurt. Her concern for him did that and it was something he never wanted anyone to feel. Keeping these moments of panic a secret was meant to protect them. It didn’t in the end. He’d need to be brave now.

              “Minako, I-” He sighed and his voice broke a little because his throat was irritated. She wrapped him up into a hug. He might be embarrassed for everyone else remaining in the arena to see them, but it was too needed right now.

              “Later, we’ll talk later. I can tell that you need time, kiddo. Let’s do something fun to celebrate instead, yeah? Do you want to invite your friends and their coaches to go to dinner with us?” She had an excited lilt to her voice. He didn’t know if it was forced, but it did lift some of the heavy energy he had.

              “That sounds really fun, thank you.”

***

              “No Chris, please don’t use the karaoke machine.” Yuuri squealed. He slammed his hands over his face and peeked through his fingers. His skin was aflame. Where were the adults? Drunk in the corner of the pub, gabbing about whose skater was the best. Minako drank like a fish sometimes and Yakov wasn’t to be outdone. They were bad influences on the others. As embarrassing as this whole thing was, no one in the building seemed to even care. They weren’t looking…. And Yuuri was actually having fun. They had a great dinner with local desserts. Georgi and Chris didn’t give any indication that they were mad at him. If anything, he felt closer to them. Lighter.

               He even made a new friend in an Italian skater named Sara! He didn’t recall ever meeting her before, but when they were making plans to celebrate after the competition, she overheard and excitedly invited herself. Sara just… seemed so thrilled by the idea that he felt rude to deny her. Something about those violet eyes. Luckily, she was fun to be around, so it turned out okay. An arsenal of dirty jokes and gossip, she held the boys’ attention for hours. Her brother did not seem to be having a good time at all though. He kept frowning and grumbling under his breath. Every time Yuuri glanced his way, the iciness in Michele’s eyes hurt.

               “Yes, Yuuri! Yes, to the karaoke machine! How can you not support a most sacred gift to the world from your own nation??” Chris teased him as he fiddled with the equipment. “Now are you going to sing ‘Oops!... I Did It Again’ with me or not?”

               “I don’t even know that song” Yuuri squeaked. A blatant lie. Yuuko and he practiced English all the time through music, he loved this song. “I can’t even sing.” Another lie, it was something he actually felt he was quite good at, or at least he enjoyed…. But this was humiliating. No, he couldn’t possibly…

               “Oh Yuuri, please sing?” Sara begged as she grabbed his arm, pulling him close. Those eyes really were pretty, Yuuri had to admit, blue eyes so dark that they appeared purple. Eyelashes long and dark, so close he could count them. Her begging mirrored Chris’ and he caved.

               “Fine, give me the mic.” He groaned. Georgi clapped, clearly ready to tell Viktor about this whole spectacle. Oh no… Where had he left his camera? Georgi wouldn’t take a picture of this, would he?

               “Will you dance too, Britney?” Michele sneered. What is this guy’s problem? Yuuri frowned at him.

               “If you’re lucky, Crispino.”

--------------

Dear Yuuri,                                                                                                                             September 30, 2003

Congratulations on your first gold medal! I haven’t heard from you in a long time, so I wanted to tell you how proud I am of you. When is your next event? You qualified for two, right?

I miss you. Will you send me a photo of you with your medal?

I got confirmation that I will be in Japan for the NHK Trophy in November! Would your parents be okay with me visiting for a few days? Yakov and my parents were okay with me taking a small break.

Warmly,

Vitya

---------------

Dear Vitya,                                                                                                                                    October 27, 2003

I’m sorry for the long times between our letters. I’ve been very busy, and I didn’t know what to say.

I was surprised when you said that you were changing divisions this year. It felt sudden. I wanted to compete with you this season, but there'll be more opportunities in the future. I think that might mean that I also miss you.... Would that be okay? Not weird?

Congratulations on your first senior division gold medal! That’s a really great accomplishment! Here is a photo of mine.

My parents told me that they’d love it if you visited. It will be a good time to tell you some things too. Thank you for making time.

Warmly,

Yuuri

Chapter Text

             Minako graciously allowed Yuuri to relax in the hotel room the night after the competition instead of talking with him about the ‘incident.’ That could wait until morning she said before plopping on top of her bed’s comforter, falling asleep before even making the effort to change into pajamas. It was most likely to give him some time to fully calm down and recharge, but also for her to recover from her dinner of drinking with the coaches. He appreciated the time no matter the reason it was given. As soon as they set foot in their hotel room, he bolted to his bathroom to soak in the tub. The onsen at home would have been even better, but this was nice too. Running the water, he watched the steam condensate on the surface of the mirror. The blurry reflection of a boy who resembled him looked back. The featureless face matching how scrambled he was inside.

              What would he have even said to her that night? “Hey! I nearly destroyed your reputation in front of thousands by puking on the ice?” or maybe “I get so sick from the littlest things because I’m weak and can’t cut it?” It was self-deprecating. Toxic. Painful. Thinking these things was beyond unhealthy, but how did you find kinder words when your body fought you all the time? There were days when the anxiety was a faint buzz in his mind. A tickle or a whisper. Just thoughts that entered his consciousness, did a little damage, and left without a fight. On other days, he was fighting an ocean’s riptide. The pull to dread was impossible to overcome. Cold, treacherous. There was no other word for it other than terror. The sweating, the tunnel vision, the nausea. It couldn’t be normal. He had to tell her. He didn’t have to live like this… right? Plunging into the hot water, he ruminated on how it might feel to be normal.

               The next morning, Minako had purposely scheduled an early afternoon flight so they could sleep in. Pastries were ready for breakfast, loaded on a plain white plate. Golden, flakey, and filled with jam. Yuuri couldn’t find it in him to eat much as grabbed one and sat on a chair near the window. A bird preened its feathers on the sill and occasionally twittering a few notes of a lonely song. Watching it, he confessed his secret finally. His hurt, his shame, laid bare for her to judge. The bird started singing a happier song and took off to follow another of its kind in the distance. Turning from the window, the floor slowly became the most interesting thing he’d ever seen in his life. He wanted to get lost in the swirly fabric, shrink down and live among the threads. Minako didn’t let him indulge in escapism for long. Gently her fingers lifted his chin up. There were no signs of surprise in her at the demons he had been trying to fight alone. Those eyes did produce pools of sadness that spilled over though. Detached from the moment, he could vaguely remember that her arms were comforting when she hugged him. Yuuri hoped that admitting this burden was the right thing to do. He felt naked and exposed afterwards. So weak that someone could walk by and crush him under their boot. Trust was a difficult thing for reasons he’s never been able to comprehend. The buzz of words in the background some time later barely registered in his mind as he watched the city outside the hotel window again. He knew now, some time later, that Minako had called his parents on her cellphone. Something that she wouldn’t often do while abroad due to the expense. His parents had immediately booked an appointment for him with a therapist after the call ended.

               They made it back to Japan on September 22, 2003, and he was diagnosed with panic disorder three weeks later after seeing the therapist four times and consulting with a separate psychiatrist twice. Such a little name for something that felt immeasurable. The official diagnosis came on October 14, 2003, two days before his second JGP event, the SBC Cup in Okaya, Japan. The name helped him feel less helpless, like this was something he could manage with the right tools, but he was too tired to place on the podium. Fourth place wasn’t terrible though. A point away from tying with Bronze. By the skin of his teeth, he qualified for the finals in Sweden this December as its sixth competitor. No panic attack thankfully. Not being on the podium helped with that. Heh, he even had a term for it now. Minako tried to tease him that he did it on purpose and Yuuri hadn’t laughed because he probably had lost a medal unconsciously. The experience last time left a bitter taste in his mouth. When they returned home on October 20, 2003, it was agreed that we would see the therapist once a week for the foreseeable future with competitions being exceptions. He would also see the psychiatrist once every two weeks while they tested a medication that could help with symptoms. Yuuri wouldn’t say that he was feeling better necessarily, but he could tell the difference now versus a month ago and the difference was positive. So much so that he gathered the courage to write Viktor back for the first time in many months.

***

              ‘It will be a good time to tell you some things too.’ That was what Yuuri had told Viktor, but the courage he felt when writing that was draining the closer his arrival was. What did he even mean when he said that? Was he going to confess to Viktor? He’d seen some girls in his class do that at school; he could probably do the same. They were close enough that Viktor would surely reject him kindly if he didn’t feel the same as Yuuri did. Had he intended to tell him about his condition? Both? Oh, this was too nerve wracking! Viktor was supposed to be in Hasetsu tomorrow, the first day of December. He needed to make up his mind.

              “Yuuri, sweetie. It’s time for your appointment. You better hurry, your dad is already in the car.” His mom hovered in the doorway of his room with a gentle expression on her face, not smiling at him, but not crying either. That look was a gift to her son. Her natural default was to cement a smile on her face even if she wasn’t happy. That saccharine, painful smile was permanently on her face for weeks after his first therapist visit. It drove Yuuri mad because he knew she wasn’t happy. He wasn’t happy. No one was happy and they shouldn’t HAVE to pretend they were. One dinner he had had enough, slamming his hands on the table with hot tears on his cheeks. He begged her to stop smiling. The fakeness hurt him too much. He didn’t want to fake it anymore. Yuuri regretted his outburst instantly and covered his face, but the energy in the room lightened considerably. The sigh that she let out in response was pure relief. She had finally been given permission to unburden herself. The dinner was quiet after that, but a few days later his mom’s real smile began to return.

              “Okay mom. I’ll be right there!” He stood up, stretched, and made his way to the door. She quickly reached out before he could pass her and swept him up in a hug. Her arms were warm. He tensed in surprise but melted into the embrace after that wore off. It was nice to feel like her baby boy sometimes, he’d admit.

              “You’re going to be taller than me next year, oh my big boy” She cooed at him. He groaned in embarrassment and tried to wiggle out of her grip. Never mind, he would admit nothing.

              “Mooom, I’m going to be late.” He whined and she let go. Slinking away he added, “Please don’t say stuff like that when Viktor is here.”

              “No promises.” She winked at him.

------

              “Are you sure that this is okay, Katsuki-san?” Viktor asked as he set his belongings down in the room prepared for him. A loved poodle stuffed animal at home on the bed roll. It was a small room, but very cozy. Cherry blossom art decorated the walls and toiletries with towels were set out for him on the dresser. He hoped that he had used the correct honorific when addressing her. Yuuri had given him a brief lesson on them a few years ago but he hadn’t had much use for them since. It was important to him that he make a good impression on this trip because it had been awhile since he was in Japan and in the company of Yuuri’s family.

              Getting an earlier train here on late notice was difficult. Yakov didn’t put up much of a fight, mainly because he didn’t know it was happening. Viktor may or may not have left the hotel while Yakov was having dinner with a colleague. The skater had feigned a headache so that he could get to Hasetsu sooner, whoops. Don’t worry, he left a note for Yakov to find so it was fiine. The original plan was for Viktor to catch a train in the early afternoon the next day, but that would just not be enough time with Yuuri in his opinion. He wanted two full days and three nights instead of just the two nights and one and a half days they had scheduled. It wasn’t until he actually made it here, quite literally on their door step an Yuuri gone for the next few hours, that he realized that he may have imposed on the Katsuki family.

              “Oh Vikchan, we’re thrilled to have you here. You are welcome to use my first name, Hiroko. We’re quite casual in this home!” She giggled, setting the additional blankets in her hands on the bedroll. “Honestly, lately it’s been so…” She stopped herself with a frown as if the next words weren’t meant for Viktor’s ears. Mrs. Katsuki faced him with a sideways smile. She looked so much like Yuuri at that moment. The way her glasses fell on her nose, her slightly plump cheeks. “Yuuri is going to be very happy that you’re already here when he gets home. He’s been talking about it for days.”

              “Where is he?” Though that last bit pleased him, Viktor found himself wary after he realized that Yuuri’s mom purposely hadn’t offered that information yet. Her smile wavered and settled into something neutral instead. It wasn’t unhappy necessarily, just heavy. Viktor frowned without meaning to.

              “I’d tell you, sweetie, but I’m sure it’s something for him to tell you instead…Let’s get you a bath while you wait! Have you ever been to a hot spring before?” She clearly didn’t want to talk about it, which worried him. Was Yuuri okay? Viktor knew that he didn’t place in the last event. Was he depressed? Was he hurt? Nervous energy never tended to stay long with Viktor. He wasn’t one to overthink, but he had been anyway lately. Yuuri’s letters were different and infrequent.

              Gently, the woman guided him to the hot spring entrance, explained the facilities, and encouraged him to relax. He hesitated a few moments and decided to take her up on this offer. He was tired and clearly worrying too much. Yuuri was okay and would be back soon. This energy would only invite something bad to happen, it would be best to squash it.

***

              After some time, once his muscles melted into goo, he changed and returned to the family area where Mrs. Katsuki was preparing dinner. It smelled wonderful at first and then even better as he drifted into the kitchen. The room had pale-yellow wallpaper with photos of the family occasionally hung up with no particular order. Baby Yuuri, pudgy and messy, graced his vision to his thrill. There were photos of his parents on their wedding day. Images of his sister’s first birthday party. Even family vacations. Oh, this was such a cozy place he decided. His parents didn’t cook much or fill their home with family photos, very busy with their careers instead. Mostly they brought home takeout from restaurants or gave Viktor an allowance for lunches and dinners that they couldn’t be a part of. Any photo put up after Viktor’s birth was put up by him. It was different in this home, an actual home, and he was glad. Yuuri deserved that.

              “Can I help you with anything Hiroko-san?” He asked as he went to the sink to wash his hands. The idea was a bit exciting, to help make the food he would later eat. He couldn’t believe that most people did that every day!

              “Oh no dear, you’re our guest. Please make yourself comfortable.” She hummed at him and continued watching the pan of oil in front of her. Viktor pouted involuntarily, slumping his shoulders a little. She visibly paled at the response and stammered, “I mean, if you really want to, you can help me cut the cabbage.” Viktor perked up at the offer and went to the board she indicated to her left. He grabbed the knife and went to cut the green vegetable, only to pause sheepishly.

              “I’m sorry, I got a little excited. Would you… um… mind showing me how to… um… cut this? I’ve never really been in the kitchen like this.” He put the knife down as soon as her eyes went wide when looking at it. He could see the thought cross over her face that she had just let a 15 to be 16-year-old handle a sharp object that he didn’t know how to safely use. Viktor grew more flustered as she took long moments to compose herself again.

              “I’ll be happy to show you Vikchan!” She turned a dial on the stove top and removed the pan from the hot eye before making her way over to him. Mrs. Katsuki was an expert with the knife, showing him the correct grip and the saftest angle to cut the leaves and remove the core. Once the technique had been demonstrated, she asked him if she could guide him now with her hands. This was how she taught Yuuri and how her mother taught her. Viktor agreed hesitantly. Soon, to his surprise, he quite enjoyed the experience. It was like a gentle hug filled with knowledge. He held the knife exactly as he was told, and she guided his hand through the motions. Before he knew it the cabbage was prepared into mostly uniform slices. She beamed at him proudly, “There! Now you’re an expert at cutting cabbage. All the boys and girls will swoon at your skills.” The woman patted his cherry red cheeks in amusement. Is cooking a skill that was attractive?

              “Nah, it will be his rockstar hair, mom.” A female voice called from the door frame. Mari, Yuuri’s older sister, leaned on it with a smirk on her lips. She had cut her hair much shorter since the last time they saw each other. Her ears sported new piercings too. Overall, the 18-year-old exuded an ‘I’m-too-cool-for-you’ energy that Viktor admired. “The hair looks good Viktor; I told you it would.” Mari teased. Viktor had been growing out his hair for a few years now, it was true. It was well past his shoulders and often in a ponytail like it was now. He’d honestly forgotten why he started to do this until she reminded him of an old letter just now. She pulled off of the door frame and walked to her mother’s side, kissing her cheek. “I’m home. Oh, katsudon? Yuuri will be happy you’re making it for him again.” Mari made a pleased sound and went to grab some dishes from a nearby cabinet.

              “Yeah, I figured he deserved a treat today. I hope he doesn’t put on weight before his next competition though.” Mrs. Katsuki had returned to the pan with the oil, what she pulled out of the fryer looked to be cutlets of some kind.

              “Don’t fuss about that, mom! He is too active to gain weight over a few bowls of katsudon.” The dishes acquired, she enlisted Viktor to work helping to set the table. “Weren’t you supposed to get here tomorrow, Romeo?”

              “Mari-” Her mom warned. Mari rolled her eyes in response and fixed her gaze on Viktor, freezing him in place. The beginnings of sweat began forming on his hands.

              “I found an earlier train.” He answered sheepishly. Is it an older sibling super power to be so intimidating with so few words? “What’s katsudon?”

              “It is panko fried pork cutlets with a special sauce and rice. We like cabbage with it too. It’s Yuuri’s favorite food.” She turned to grab utensils from a nearby drawer. When she returned, she looked at him sternly again. In a low voice so her mom couldn’t hear, she said, “You need to be careful when surprising Yuuri in the future. Stuff like that can upset him.”

              “I’m sorry, I can -” Viktor started, feeling guilty. Should he leave? Mari’s face softened into a little smile, and she cut him off.

              “No, it will be okay. I just worry about him more than usual lately. Sorry for scaring ya.” She was silent after that, pensive. After they set the table she offered him a seat with a grin, “You’ll be right next to Yuuri if you sit here, Darcy.” His cheeks warmed. He wasn’t trying to date Yuuri, so why did she insist on embarrassing him with these names? Having an older sister must be so difficult…. Hey wait. The rest of her words caught up to him. Was there a reason to worry more than normal about Yuuri?

              “Is Yuuri okay?” He asked quietly. Mrs. Katsuki wouldn’t share anything, but maybe Mari would tell him? He searched her face and expected that same neutral expression. Instead, Mari just sighed and smiled at him. She ran her fingers through her hair and leaned back in her seat.

              “Yuuri will be okay, yeah.” She answered finally. It wasn’t the answer he wanted but it was better than nothing. He braved another question.

              “What-” The sound of a door opening and closing cut him off. An older man shuffled in, took off his shoes and coat before making his way further in the home. A shorter head of black hair and glasses followed him. Nose pink from the chill outside. His eyes looked a little puffy, but other than that he looked fine. Normal… well no. Yuuri was far taller than he was a few years ago, cheeks less round, and expression more serious. It was a bit like seeing a different person even though he didn’t feel like one. Yuuri yawned and rubbed his eyes as he took off his shoes. When he stepped, he looked towards the table for the first time and ran towards him quickly.

              “Viktor?!” He exclaimed, catching his breath as he stopped close to Viktor’s side. He looked Viktor over quickly as if he was taking in the differences he had too. It made Viktor squirm, hopefully he felt like the same person to Yuuri too. Slowly a smile grew on the Japanese boy’s face for the first time since walking through the door. He didn’t hesitate a second longer to hug Viktor tightly.

              “Yuuri!!” Viktor hugged back his friend, pleased that everything seemed alright. It was silly to worry. Yuuri pulled away and grinned. His eyes intently engaging him in conversation. It struck him suddenly that he never realized how rich the color of Yuuri’s eyes were. He’d never gotten to look at them for long Viktor fought the urge to squirm again. He distinctly remembered that his friend hated this much eye contact. The way Yuuri would glance away quickly and blush after talking too long was endearing. Now, being on the receiving end of an eager gaze unnerved Viktor.

              “You’re here early!” Yuuri stepped away and walked over to his sister whom he also hugged. Mari held him tightly and ruffled his hair when he pulled away. Yuuri pushed her shoulder with a laugh. It was a soft, genuine sound that felt familiar to Viktor… right?

              “Yeah, is that, um, okay?” Viktor managed, worried. Something wasn’t right. No, it wasn’t wrong exactly, just different. In the past, Yuuri’s excitement had an almost frantic energy. Like he was a pot bubbling over. Now he was an even simmer. Still happy, but less tense. Less nervous?

              “Yes, I’m glad you’re here!” Yuuri set those eyes on him again and smiled widely. He opened his mouth to say something else, but his mom popped her head through the kitchen door frame.

              “Dinner’s almost ready, go wash up Yuuri.” She grinned at him and waved a pair of tongs his way.

              “Okay mom. What are we having?” He smiled at her gesture and went to follow her request, walking towards the hall where the guest restroom was.

              “Katsudon.” She replied louder so he’d hear her from the other room.

              “Is that my post-therapy reward now?” He called over the sound of running water. Viktor scrunched his eyebrows when hearing it, making eye contact with Mari who also appeared surprised.

              “Oh” Mrs. Katsuki replied quietly, as shocked as her daughter. “For a little while at least. Too much of it and you’ll get sick.” She answered after a few moments.

              “Very true. I think the reward should be letting me finally adopt one of Yuuko’s kittens.” Yuuri walked into the room again with a face full of mirth. Mr. Katsuki followed behind him and placed a hand on his son’s head.

              “Hmm, I sense you trying to pull at our heartstrings, young man.” He chastised him before taking his place at the table. Yuuri grinned wider. Viktor wasn’t following this conversation well at all.

               “Only a little… C’mon! Think of it as a reward aaand a birthday gift?” He added a begging lilt to his voice.

              “We’ll see.” His father shook his head fondly. There was a lull in the conversation then as Yuuri took his place next to Viktor. The Russian boy gathered his thoughts and courage.

              “I’m sorry to be nosey, especially when it’s not really my business, but what did you mean by-” Viktor looked to his friend and began to ask about the therapy. Yuuri’s face did drop a bit then, but his mouth moved like he was about to reply. He didn’t get the chance.

              “Dinner is ready! I’ll bring the dishes in, and we’ll serve it up family style. I hope you’re okay serving yourself Vikchan.” Mrs. Katsuki called happily, bringing in large plates of food.

              “Yes, ma’am!” Viktor gave up on his question and set his sights on the food. Maybe this was all a sign that he shouldn’t poke around in whatever was going on. No one wanted to talk about it anyway.

              “Oh um… I haven’t told you yet because it’s been too difficult to talk about, but…” Yuuri whispered to him quietly while the rest of his family began talking about their day. Viktor turned to look at him and was struck by how far away his friend’s eyes looked, “After dinner, can we take a little walk outside? It will only be for a few minutes.”

              “I’d love to.” Viktor replied in the same tone. Yuuri’s eyes brightened a little so he added, “You can tell me anything. Always.” That made a smile return to his face. They didn’t talk more about it, instead turning to more mundane small talk. The katsudon was delicious, Viktor could tell why Yuuri loved it so much. It struck him that the pork filled blini were his favorite that summer in Russia too.

              “Vikchan cut the cabbage!” Mrs. Katsuki informed the table after a few moments. Yuuri dropped his chopsticks in surprised laughter.

              “Oh really?” He giggled after a while, picking a particularly poorly cut piece out of his bowl. “Needs a little practice, I think.”

              “It was my first time!” Viktor whined. It was nice to be teased at a dinner table instead of faced with silence. He’d prefer embarrassment over that any day.

Chapter Text

              The sun had set by the time dinner was finished and the rising moon made Viktor’s silver-blonde hair glow a little, like he was one of the twinkling stars above their heads. Such a beautiful boy faintly crossed his mind. Things like that had been distracting him all evening, a welcome reprieve from other thoughts that had been consuming him lately. His heart fluttered with nerves at the thought of being alone… of having this conversation. Yuuri had led the older boy to a secluded beach area that wasn’t too far away from Yu-topia after his mom shooed them away from the dishes. Ever since his little legs could hold him up, he’d loved coming here. So many emotions were poured into this space. Joy and sadness alike. Recently it was a sanctuary where he could ground himself when he was getting overwhelmed. He wasn’t sure if it was the texture or coolness of the sand that soothed him. Maybe it was the gentle sound of the lapping waves. Whatever it was that comforted him, it was special. Magical. Many times, he envisioned his mental health as a raging ocean that he drowned in. Was it healing to envision it as this place instead, a tide that rose and fell? He planned to ask his therapist about it next week. Their session today was spent preparing him for this very conversation he was about to have. It was important to Yuuri that he no longer hid his problems from those closest to him and there was no doubt Viktor was in that category.

              Yuuri brought a blanket for Viktor to sit on, and he worked to spread it out now. The taller boy, oh man he was so tall now, took a corner to help him. It felt like forever since they last saw each other. Had Yuuri changed too? Did Viktor notice him too?  Subtly he wiped his clammy palms on the fabric in his hand and pushed those questions out of his head. Together they worked in silence until it was flat on the ground. His friend took a seat gracefully and politely made room for him. Instead, Yuuri plopped flat on his back against the sand beside the blanket. Moisture soaked into his clothes. The chill kept him in the moment. He’d need that.

              “You don’t want to sit next to me?” Viktor pouted. “You’re going to get sand everywhere doing that.” The quiet sadness in his voice made Yuuri flinch.

              “I know, it will be okay. I need to be on the sand right now.” He replied, smiling at him softly. The Russian frowned, blue eyes sparkling from the night sky. It was fitting that Yuuri’s debut free skate routine was about wishes coming true when a shooting star was right in front of him. His heart settled into that rhythmic tempo that Viktor caused. What would a dance to this music look like? Could he even choreograph it?

              “Okay, but you’re going to get cold like that.” Viktor huffed, standing up to grab the blanket once he was off it. He gathered the fabric in his hands, walked a bit, and shook it vigorously facing away from Yuuri. He frowned at his friend, confused.

              “Are you leaving?” Yuuri moved to sit up. “We can go somewhere el-” He shut his mouth when Viktor turned around with a smile. He laid down next to Yuuri and rested the blanket over them both. They weren’t close enough to be touching shoulders, but that didn’t stop embarrassment from warming Yuuri’s ears. “That’s better. I’m all ears if you still want to talk.” Yuuri exhaled loudly and tried to focus on his mission.

              “It’s more like I need to talk… I just don’t know where to start…” Yuuri ran a hand over his face, letting it rest there to hide him, and exhaled loudly again. A long silence followed, his voice caught in his throat. Viktor shifted so that he was on his side with his head propped in his hand. With his other hand, he gently pulled Yuuri’s hand from his face and set it against Yuuri’s chest.

              “Is it that difficult?” The older boy asked gently. Yuuri turned to look at him and saw concern etched into every bit of his face. His heart twisted. Letting out another sigh, he stared at the moon.

              “Yes…” He began picking at this fingernails. “Have you… Have you talked with Chris and Georgi lately? Did they mention Slovakia?” He glanced at Viktor long enough to see his eyebrows knit with confusion.

              “I haven’t seen Chris in person, but Georgi told me that your debut was beautiful and that I was an idiot for missing it. He also said that the three of you and a few new skaters had dinner together…” Viktor smiled lightly, hesitantly, “He also said that you are now a triple threat. Dancing, skating, and singing?” He giggled, but his confusion about where this was going was obvious.

              “Oh geez, that’s going way too far. It was just karaoke.” Yuuri blushed and hid his face with his hand again.

              “Japan has given some wonderful things to the world. The best is Katsuki Yuuri, but now karaoke is up there. Do you think we could do that during my visit too?” He asked so casually as if he hadn’t just implied that he thought Yuuri was wonderful. Yuuri’s heartbeat pounded in his ears.

              “Maybe…” Yuuri went quiet again and pushed himself to continue, “So Georgi didn’t tell you what happened after the awards ceremony, before dinner?”

              “No, he didn’t…” Yuuri watched his face fall. “What does he know? You couldn’t have told me first?” Viktor asked in an accusing tone, hurt. Viktor’s eyes went wide and he clamped his mouth shut.

              “Well, you weren’t there to see it happen, so I couldn’t tell you first.” Yuuri frowned. Viktor opened and closed his mouth a few times. Yuuri let out another frustrated sound before continuing.

“Do you know what a panic attack is?” Yuuri asked, turning his head to watch the waves instead of the boy next to him. He didn’t want to watch Viktor’s face change as he spoke the next words. Too much time would be spent trying to decipher those expressions instead of finishing the story.

              “No, I don’t think so… Do you … Did you have a panic attack?” Viktor shifted a bit closer. Yuuri could feel the concern coming from his friend in waves and fought the urge to turn his head. After a few moments of Yuuri’s silence, Viktor gave up and rested his back on the sand again.

              “I was recently diagnosed with a panic disorder. I have many panic attacks.”

              “What exactly does that mean?”

              “I worry all the time naturally. I’m an anxious person, but sometimes I get so overwhelmed that I have little control of my body. I sweat. I shake. I can’t get enough air in my lungs. My ears ring. Lights are too bright. My body feels like it shuts down. It stresses me out that sometimes I can’t do anything but vomit. I look and feel pathetic.” Yuuri said it with more venom than he intended. Recently he had been feeling much better about his condition overall, but he still struggled with a deep-seated feeling of failure and self-loathing. “During the awards ceremony that day… I honestly barely remember it. I felt so sick from being in front and center. I was proud of myself, but everyone stared at me. I was being filmed by TV cameras, and everything was so, so loud. I had a panic attack. It wasn’t the first time, but this one was one of the worst. Chris and Georgi found me.”

              “Oh.” Viktor responded quietly and Yuuri grimaced. What else could he have said to this news? Yuuri felt powerless against his own mind, but his loved ones felt powerless too, and this only fueled his negative thoughts about himself more. Something warm touched Yuuri’s hand and he flinched. His eyes darted in that direction to see Viktor’s fingers hesitantly touching him. Ever so gently, they came to rest fully over the top of his knuckles. Blushing, Yuuri returned his gaze at the ocean. Was he... supposed to hold Viktor’s hand? Was that what Viktor wanted from him, or was that just wishful thinking? Battling with himself about this, he decided to slowly turn his wrist so that his palm is facing upwards. Those warm fingers pulled away in surprise leaving Yuuri mortified. He began to snatch his hand away quickly to the safety of his chest, when Viktor stopped him by grabbing his wrist. “Wait… please…” He laced Yuuri’s fingers in his and held firmly. “Are you okay right now? Why won’t you look at me?”

              “I’m okay right now. I just… I’m worried that what I’m telling you will make you not like me anymore. I don’t want to see that on your face.” Viktor sat up abruptly, but didn’t let go of Yuuri’s hand. Yuuri shifted uncomfortably at the sudden change.

              “Yuuri, why would I not like you? You’re my friend, my very best friend.” He sounded hurt again, but Yuuri felt his own heart fall at the words best friend. He’s elated to know that he’s Viktor’s best friend, it just…

              “Viktor, the things you want me to open up about, the things I want… need to share with you are not fun. They’re scary and sad. I’m embarrassed. I’m angry. It’s an ugly story and I just don’t want to see that reflected in your face.” Tears finally made their debut, burning his eyes. Viktor let go of his hand, readjusted, and moved quickly to scoop Yuuri up so that he was no longer laying on the ground. His arms hugged Yuuri’s waist and held him upright.

              “I’m sorry. You don’t have to look at me, but I will always like you. That’s a promise.” Viktor squeezed tighter and let Yuuri cry on his shoulder. His arms wrapped around Viktor’s shoulders. The tears fell harder.

              “D-do you thi-think I’m we-we-weak?” *hiccup* “I wouldn’t bla-a-a-me you.” *hiccup* "I-I hate it. I-I hate my-” Yuuri tumbled out words between sobs. At the end of his sentence, Viktor squeezed tighter and shushed him. One of his hands patted his back soothingly

              “Please don’t finish that last bit. I can guess what you were going to say and it’s mean. Don’t be mean to yourself. Please.” He pulled away enough to look Yuuri sternly in the eye to get the point across.

              “B-but” Yuuri brought his hands up to his eyes to rub them and try to calm down.

              “Mmm, nope. No buts.” Viktor hummed and wiped some of the tears away from Yuuri’s cheeks that he missed. The gentleness of the action made him feel safe, but that weakened his guard against the emotion he was trying to keep in check. Viktor flashed a warm smile at him and the tears fell harder than before. Yuuri fell against his friend and held on tight. A hand cupped the back of his head comfortingly. “You can cry, I’m here.”

              They stayed like that for a long time. Slowly the ringing Yuuri had felt in his ears lessened and the sound of water pushing and pulling against the beach reminded him that he was here. In this moment he was here with Viktor, in his favorite place, and not stuck in his head. He pulled away from his friend and shyly gave him a small smile. Viktor’s head tilted and a soft expression crossed his face. Yuuri’s smile grew bigger at the sight.

              “Are you feeling better now?” Viktor asked as he worked to smooth the younger boy’s messed up hair. Yuuri reached up and shoed his hand away.

              “A little… Thank you for being here for me. I’ve been having a hard time lately.” He sniffled and wiped his hands on his pants.

              “Thank you for telling me. Do you want to keep talking about it? I want to learn more so I can help you.” Yuuri smiled at Viktor’s eagerness. This wasn’t a problem for him to solve, but it was still nice that he wanted to try.

              “I think I’m done for tonight.”

              “Okay, we can talk about it whenever you want to. I think you are very strong by the way.” Viktor hugged Yuuri again, surprising him. Had Viktor always been this comfortable hugging him? Yuuri never noticed it before

              “Thank you,” Yuuri replied hesitantly against his shoulder and hugged him back. His heartbeat was probably so loud that Viktor could hear it. So embarrassing…

              “Yuuri…” Viktor whispered. Yuuri almost didn’t hear him, but he repeated himself.

              “Yeah?” Yuuri watched Viktor bite his cheek with a strange look on his face.

              “Um… never mind…” He turned his head away from Yuuri and rubbed the back of his neck with hand. Yuuri watched the way the moonlight reflected on his skin. It was pretty and delicate, like snow.

              “What?” He replied dreamily. Hearing the tone he snapped out of that train of thought and blushed. Viktor quirked an eyebrow at him and grinned.

              “Do you remember the good luck charm I gave you?” He pointed to his chest.

              “Of course.” Like Yuuri could ever forget. That picture wasn’t under his pillow or anything... Oh no. That needed to be hidden immediately.

              “I… well. No, it’s stupid.” Viktor exhaled and began fussing with his hair, pulling the hair tie free. He stretched it and remained quiet. Yuuri watched him, letting the silence hang there for a moment. It’s grown so long. Yuuri liked the way it fell against his shoulders. Could he touch it? Was that okay to do as friends? No, probably not.

              “What is it?” Yuuri sighed quietly, silently lamenting again that having a crush was awful. He’d have preferred not to think about these things all of the time, thank you.

              “I was thinking that I don’t know how to help you now… but maybe you could use a different new kind of charm.” The reply was soft, and Viktor watched him, that soft expression returning. What is this look? Yuuri really wanted to know.

              “Like what?” Yuuri asked using the same tone. Viktor inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly before smiling.

              “Close your eyes.” He requested cheerfully. All hesitancy about whatever this was, gone. Confusion left Yuuri silent. “Please? Just for a bit.”

              “Okay?” Yuuri closed his eyes slowly… mostly… He kept them cracked open a bit out of nervousness. Viktor inhaled deeply again. Was he nervous? He reached for Yuuri’s hands gently, holding one in each palm. Yuuri’s heart thudded wildly, he hoped that his palms didn’t get sweaty again. Viktor turned both of his hands over and brought them towards his face. His embarrassment grew so strong that Yuuri shut his eyes so tightly now. Something warm and soft brushed against one palm and then the other. The sensation tickled and caused him to shiver.  

              “Viktor!” Yuuri exclaimed in a surprised giggle. He opened his eyes quickly and watched Viktor pull his face away from his hands. It being nighttime was a blessing because Yuuri knows his whole face is red. It was also terrible because he couldn’t fully see Viktor’s expression. He appeared happy, but was he also embarrassed? Did he also blush? How was Yuuri supposed to think now?

              “If you ever worry that I won’t like you again, use this charm to remember.” Viktor squeezed his hands, rubbing his thumbs against his palms.

              “Remember what? You kissed-” Yuuri squeaked and immediately ended the sentence. This seemed to please Viktor because he grinned wildly and gently swung their arms between them.

              “Please remember that I like you most in the world.” Viktor said in a singsong voice before letting go of their hands. Yuuri retreated away quickly and hid his face with his hands. After a moment he realized that his palms, palms that Viktor’s lips had touched, were now touching his face. He let out another squeaking sound. The older boy laughed and Yuuri glared at him.

              “What do you mean by that?” Yuuri braved the question. Viktor hadn’t expected it because he froze. This made him suspicious. Giddy. The ghost of a realization began to form in his mind. Maybe this crush wasn’t so awful? If maybe, just maybe… “Viktor, do you like me?” He asked quietly, changing the inflection of the word “like” just so. Enough that Viktor should understand if he felt the same.

              “Um…” Viktor turned his head away quickly. Too quickly. It wasn’t an admission, but Yuuri felt that something was there. “Just never forget that you are my favorite person.” Viktor mumbled looking at the ocean. It was a cute, pouty sound. Yuuri fondly smiled at him and held his head in his hands, watching him. He wanted to be brave. Even if Viktor didn’t feel the same, he didn’t want to keep any more secrets.

              “Vitya… close your eyes.” He asked softly. Viktor snapped his head quickly towards him, blue eyes wide. He had asked Yuuri to start calling him that, hopefully he liked it.

              “Why?” Viktor smiled faintly, but his eyebrows began to crease in confusion.

              “Please?” Please, close your eyes quickly so I don’t chicken out.

              “Okay…” The boy answered hesitantly, shutting his eyes slowly. Yuuri slowly, quietly stood up. He bent down, and grabbed a piece of Viktor’s hair, twirling it around his finger. It was as soft as it looked. Yuuri giggled gleefully before placing his lips against the other boy’s forehead. Viktor grabbed the hand that held his hair, opened his eyes, and looked up at him. This close, Yuuri could tell that he had shocked him. This close, their noses almost touched.

              “Vitya, I really, really like you. You’re my favorite person in the world.” Yuuri whispered softly before pulling away. He reached down to gather the blanket and stood a bit away, ready to go.

              “Yuuri…”

              “Thank you for listening to me tonight. Let’s head back!”