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“If a tree falls with no one around, does it even make a sound?”
They were nothing.
Just ghosts of a past their holders didn’t want to let go of.
Hanging in a state of eternal imaginary space, treading the line between living people with empathy and soulless specks of data.
All they truly had was their purpose, their memories to shape them into the individuals they were supposed to represent in the uncertainty of humanity’s new era.
Visitors were all such life was worth for. How long can someone stay dwelling in their past memories? Just thirteen people that were there just because of the choices their real life counterparts had made, now leading a cramped life of simulation with no knowledge of the world outside.
Maybe the past really should stay buried and not tread their mistakes into a world moving forward. At least all thirteen of the flamechasers seemed to agree on that fact.
Still, that didn’t mean aspects of their personalities failed to shine through in the moments of quiet.
The faint melody of an old record played somewhere in the lounge as muffled chatter flowed through the air of the otherwise dead space. Small glimpses of paint smeared surfaces brought warm life to the cold brick. Subtle sounds of mechanical parts sounded from the upper floor, letting the cold machinery move with new vigor.
And every once in a while, data filled ash littered the main lobby, mere specks of what used to be the endless enemy swarms the Elysian Realm provided. A faint smell of smoke lingered in the halls, which, given their simulated nature, shouldn’t have bothered any of the inhabitants.
What were the memories worth for? Just to make him drown in stifled rage with no outlet other than ceaseless decimation? What good was his destruction if it had zero worth in comparison to the world they couldn’t even see.
Contrary to the popular assumption, Kalpas was actually a pretty calm person unless provoked. But how long can one survive with boiling fire coursing through their veins from the given need to slaughter? For Kalpas, barely a week.
His favorite and most efficient way was to go through the trials meant for their visitors. Obviously sparring with the other flamechasers was a much more rewarding experience, yet it involved talking to them. Which.. when avoidable, Kalpas prefered that much more.
He’d managed to slip away into the trials once again, having nothing better to do and becoming bored with the latest plushy creation now sitting tucked away in a corner of his room.
The warmth of flames on his forearms always had its twisted comfort, the sensation much more pleasant than the numbing state of his data-like existence. The now dead honkai beasts dissipated into specks of ones and zeroes, contributing to a score Kalpas already had in the billions.
With a sigh, Kalpas sloppily dusted himself off from the ashes, walking towards the next portal and stepping through it.
But instead of an enemy wave appearing on the other side, the twilight woods stood empty. Kalpas took a look around, now treading the ground with lighter steps. Hell, maybe some peaceful alone time could be of benefit too, the sound of silence was a pleasant one after all.
Another portal opened up at the other end of the clearing, drawing the man’s attention to it. Fuck, that meant one of the other flamechasers was in the secluded space with him. Kalpas’ gut instinct told him to look towards the treeline, and among the twisting branches he spotted one of his colleagues, his long hair swaying in the gentle breeze. Su looked peaceful in the warm sunlight, sitting on some of the higher branches, meditating as he normally did.
Kalpas huffed a laugh under his breath and moved over to enter the portal. Guess he wasn’t the only one indulging his simulated habits. There was no use hanging around the already occupied space. Even if the fact the area had opened up meant Su had invited him into that peaceful moment willingly.
It wasn’t at all a big deal.
He had stumbled into the Deep End of the realm on a few occasions, getting to see Griseo painting in her studio space as Kosma played his harmonica nearby. Kalpas didn’t want to burn the pretty grass, so he left the kids be. Aponia’s space was a big nope, he wasn’t gonna deal with her more than he needed to. It was often that the others went into the trial rooms to train by themselves, it’s just that everyone’s traffic in the imaginary space sometimes clashed. It was like that nearly every time he wanted to let off some steam.
So it wasn’t all that surprising when it happened again. Kalpas was back in the empty twilight woods with nothing but silence to accompany him.
This time Kalpas immediately realized what had happened and he quickly scanned the tranquil woods for the culprit. Sure enough, Su sat among the higher branches as he observed the world with that nonexistent sight of his.
Kalpas wanted to keep going and just ignore the setback, but the fact this had now happened so many times started to get strangely intriguing. His murderous rampage had been soothed by the previous boss level enemy, so Kalpas had some sense of mind to investigate.
He walked over to the tree in which Su sat unmoving, sizing the thing up. Kalpas sat down in the grass. Maybe he was tired from the last fight, but either way, sitting down and taking a break could benefit. It was Su’s fault for letting him inside in the first place, so he could technically stay as long as he wanted.
After a few minutes, Kalpas grew restless. He wasn’t one to stay still, so with nothing to do, he got up and stared at the tree again.
How the fuck did Su even climb the damn thing?
Now Kalpas wanted to get up there as well. Worst case he could burn holes into the tree to make the climb easier. Holding onto the vine-like branches swirling around the tree, Kalpas swiftly ascended while keeping Su in his sights. He went about his approach quietly, and even if Su could somehow detect him, Kalpas preferred to stay unnoticed.
The branch Kalpas ended up perched upon was a bit away from Su, who still looked as peaceful as ever despite the looming presence staring holes into him. Su’s expression stayed unchanged. Kalpas’ guard slowly dropped from the lack of action, and since Su wasn’t initiating any conversation, Kalpas started to think he was the weird one for coming closer.
Great, now he had embarrassed himself for no reason. Kalpas huffed and decided to abandon the stupid idea in the first place, climbing down a few branches before jumping down and leaving through the portal. He had a few enemies waiting to be destroyed on the other side.
…
“Your data’s damaged.”
Kalpas stood still at those words. How ironic that the blind one noticed.
“Piss off. It’s nothing.” It truly was just a minor defect, nothing that the system admin wouldn’t be able to fix up. It was his fault for getting carried away, Kalpas just needed to get that fire out somehow– He opted to keep walking, but Su’s voice still persisted from behind him, “You know that damage to your data makes you unstable–”
“You know damn well I’m already unstable.” Kalpas spat, not even turning to face Su, “Leave it and say nothing.”
“Kalpas.” Su walked up beside him, “It’s nothing I can’t fix up manually, it’ll be less of a headache if we deal with it now.”
Silence. But Kalpas had stopped to consider.
“Not a word about this.” Kalpas mumbled, turning around to shoulder check Su, walking off to where he knew Su’s quarters were.
“I didn’t think you’d be careless.” Su muttered as he administered the few bandages onto Kalpas’ side. The wound truly was a minor injury, yet could become problematic and damage the data simulation further if left unchecked.
“Shut up.” Kalpas muttered, watching the doctor work from behind his mask.
Su managed a small smile before silently finishing the treatment, “You’re free to leave then. If there’s nothing else you would want from me.” He stood up, taking his equipment back to the cabinet and leaving Kalpas to sit alone.
He’d be lying if he said the bandaged up wound hadn’t helped, the whole mess with being a simulation ruined any enjoyment of getting hurt. For each wound he was left with the tedious sensation of corrupted segments of data. Kalpas got up and made for a quick exit, mumbling his gratitude under his breath before shutting the door.
There wasn’t a chance to ask about the open space invitations, it would be stupid. So Kalpas left Su without another meaningless word, just like all the other times before.
…
How many times had he ended up in the damned emptiness of the twilight woods? It seemed every time Kalpas finished eradicating a swarm of tougher enemies in the trials, a floor of warm sanctuary opened up for him. It pissed him the hell off, but then the consistency proved its comfort by how Kalpas began to depend on entering the separate space, even if just for a few seconds to cross it.
Asking Su why exactly he began doing it would be much too weird for his liking. But then again, Su made no effort to pressure him to converse in the first place.
So here he was again, standing underneath the tree Su sat in. Kalpas noted how it always was the same one.
This time he climbed it much faster, getting up on the branch next to Su. He ended up closer than he first wanted, but moving further away would only make things more awkward.
Su sat with his legs crossed with his back against the tree trunk, peacefully letting the world pass him by. The sight made a strange sense of jealousy twist inside Kalpas’ stomach. He could never achieve such peace, his entire being made of wrath and fire didn’t give him that much of a choice.
Maybe that’s why the blind doctor pissed him off so much, just the mere sight of something he wouldn’t ever get to have–
And just like that Kalpas’ shoulders started to emit smoke. He was a hazard to this entire place, to Su’s place of peaceful solitude.
He was intruding.
Kalpas shifted in his place, moving closer to a lower branch to jump off and leave–
“You can stay for longer than just a minute.” Su’s pleasant voice made Kalpas look back. A soft smile was on the doctor’s lips, yet his eyes showed no sign of opening, “Stay as long as you wish. You need the rest.”
What was there to even say back? Kalpas stayed in place, easing back into a more comfortable position to not seem as rigid. Against his spiteful self, Kalpas took a deep breath, willingly calming down just for the right to stay for a bit longer.
No one would come looking for him, and even then, no one could find him there. Kalpas closed his eyes and listened to the sound he cherished so deeply.
…
A strange phenomenon, really. Kalpas had never needed the option to counter his anger with peace. His sense of self showed just how much of that emotion drove him as a person, made him into who he was.
Yet sitting in a peaceful quiet instead of a battlefield felt just as right.
Would it change anything? They were supposed to retain their selves for the visitors, to pass their knowledge and power onto the new era. Was there even a chance for a change, to do something about the endless cycle of their lives?
Kalpas grew frustrated by the second. And this was precisely why he enjoyed the mindless battle that didn’t let him think too long. Sitting above a peacefully vacant arena countered his very purpose to fill that emptiness with blood, ash and fire.
He got up, leaving Su without a word to continue his descent deeper into the trial floors. He needed to get that damned feeling out of his system.
Worst part was just how easily Su let him come and go as he pleased. Unnecessary kindness from the man who wasn’t even associated with Kalpas himself. They were strangers despite all the years spent locked up in an imaginary space together. Kalpas had to leave.
But just as miserably he’d be the one to return to the sanctuary again and again. The desire for peace and serenity, to have time stop for a while and to enjoy what was otherwise forbidden to him– the temptation felt far too irresistible. And like a fool, Kalpas indulged.
Su was close this time, their shoulders mere inches apart as they sat in the artificially warm sunlight. Kalpas had just wanted to check if Su was still breathing, which he was, very calmly and slowly. It would have been strange to move away immediately after, so Kalpas opted to sit down beside the guy, just close enough to maintain some distance. Su didn’t show any sign of discomfort at his presence, so Kalpas only sat as he did all the other times he was up there.
Kalpas had gotten into a silly habit of mirroring Su in the times they were together in the tree, sitting the same way to try and blend into the world he wasn’t meant to be a part of.
He listened for the soft rhythm of Su’s breathing, steadying his own breath to follow along. At first it took him some concentration, but after a bit of time, Kalpas felt himself get oddly relaxed as he willingly closed his eyes and leaned his head to rest against the tree.
The warm sunlight felt nice on his exposed skin as it peeked through the leaves, the gentle breeze softly accepting Kalpas as part of the secluded space. Sleep had never been so easy.
It had happened without him noticing, so when he eventually stirred from slumber, Kalpas needed a few seconds to focus his eyes onto his surroundings. He was still obviously sitting in the tree, the warm scenery hadn’t changed one bit, however there was unfamiliar warmth against his side. He had no clue how much time had passed, yet the comfortable position gave him no need to rush with fully waking up just yet.
Still a bit sleepy, he wanted to shuffle closer to the warmth only for the realization to suddenly hit him.
Now fully awake, Kalpas looked to his side where Su had been sitting all that time, eyes widening at the sight of the guy fast asleep and comfortably laying against Kalpas’ shoulder. He hadn’t been sitting that close before, had he? Kalpas froze up. No one had ever slept on him before, the guy didn’t even know how to react, deciding that not moving until Su woke up would be the best option.
Su’s close presence felt so lovely, something no other simulated existence had proven as worthwhile. A part of him began to ache with the hurt of experiencing something so human again. The basic desire to be close to someone with no consequences, no strings attached, it must have been worth going crazy over.
Kalpas looked down at Su’s hand, the thought of taking it in his own crossed his mind. Touch was still a bit odd for simulated existences, but Kalpas wanted nothing more than to experience it in such a secluded and safe environment. Su was still peacefully asleep against him. The guy was able to sleep for strangely long periods of time, spending his existence pursuing what his original self would have done with seeking enlightenment. It wouldn’t have been strange for him to rest for a bit longer.
Then it wouldn’t hurt to indulge for those few moments.
As slowly and gently as he could, Kalpas reached for Su’s hand, softly taking it in his hold. Both their hands were gloved, separating any touch that could have been had. The weight of their existence against each other felt strange, yet so oddly reassuring.
A tree could have fallen somewhere in their secluded space and it might as well not have ever happened.
Nothing that happened outside of the visitor’s time was ever recorded by the realm. It didn’t matter that Kalpas laced their fingers together. Didn’t matter that someone like him found selfish comfort in something selflessly given to him.
Didn’t matter that the gesture made something inside him ache.
“..Kalpas?”
“Hm?”
Su stirred from his place on Kalpas’ shoulder, slowly getting up without opening his eyes, “You’re still here? How long has it been?”
“Dunno. I was asleep too.” Kalpas muttered, giving a small shrug. He felt his ears heat up at such a blatant lie, but he wasn’t about to say how he’d patiently waited for Su to wake.
A pleasant smile graced Su’s lips as he gently moved away from Kalpas, the sudden gap between them established itself like a cold barrier. The simulated sunlight didn’t feel as warm anymore. Kalpas cursed to himself.
However Su seemed none the wiser, speaking in that same, calm voice of his, “I do apologize for falling asleep on you, you must have had other plans I kept you from.”
“It’s nothing.” Kalpas muttered, getting up himself and checking the best way down, “Wasn’t gonna do anything anyway. Later then.”
With that, Kalpas jumped down the branch to finally make an exit of the space, feeling the tips of his ears turn just slightly warmer.
“Later huh.”
He walked out of the open portal without looking back.
…
And he was back. Sitting next to Su underneath the tree this time as the blades of grass gently swayed against his legs.
Sunlight couldn’t reach them there, the large tree provided quite the pleasant shade from the perpetual low twilight sun. It was quite obvious why Su had picked this place as his meditation domain, nothing else in the realm could come close to bringing someone to such blissful peace.
Kalpas hated how much of a habit it was, to the point he entered the trials just to have the chance to get to where Su was. He didn’t say a word about it, the time he took for himself was none of anyone’s business, so Kalpas kept on visiting the twilight woods any chance he got.
Sometimes he got to fall asleep, to sit close to the literal embodiment of tranquility and enjoy what little contact there could be between two strangers.
Maybe that’s why Su became less annoying over time. He stopped pestering Kalpas about his terrible habits a long time ago, now just commenting on visible data damage. Hell, someone like Kalpas seeking out his presence for comfort was in and of itself a privilege.
Su just let him.
Without a word.
And maybe that’s why Kalpas stared at him for longer each time. Maybe the reason he only held Su’s hand was when he was asleep. That side of him shouldn’t exist. So why was the want stronger each time? Why were his hands aching for the slightest of touch when all they had known were the ashes of slain enemies?
Kalpas hated it.
Yet couldn’t get enough.
…
He slaughtered the entire honkai swarm with bare hands, resorting to what his instincts knew best. Kalpas knew what awaited him at the end of that fight, a sanctuary for the price of a few points to that damned score.
The twilight woods looked just as it always had, the familiar serenity washing away the adrenaline from his fight mere minutes ago as Kalpas stepped through the portal.
With one look around, Kalpas spotted the familiar silhouette sitting on one of the higher tree branches. He couldn’t help the small smile grace his lips as he swiftly made his way over to the tree and began his ascent just like all the times before. Most times Su sat in the same place, favoring the higher ground for his meditation sessions, and hell, Kalpas enjoyed the exercise.
As always, Kalpas approached quietly, his gaze trained on the relaxed figure enjoying his solitude. Su sat with his head laid back against the tree, not even meditating. Kalpas climbed closer, settling on the same branch as Su, at the slightest distance from him.
Su made no sign of acknowledging Kalpas’ presence, so naturally, Kalpas leaned forward, examining him. His breathing was softly rhythmic, something Kalpas now knew was a sign the guy was peacefully asleep, blissfully unaware of Kalpas slowly inching closer.
He made an effort to not disturb Su, just looming over him until he got close enough. Any sunlight that would have been glistening through the leaves was shrouded, leaving the both of them in a warm shadow.
Kalpas’ hand gently shook as he reached for his mask, lifting it up just enough to reveal the lower part of his face. He’d never allowed himself to be this close to someone, but this was a place with no watcher, no data saver. Nothing that happened here would be recorded anywhere. It would be so easy to indulge in a single brush of his lips against Su’s, so light that it would have never happened. The smallest of moments taken out of the time they shared.
He didn’t feel fear anymore, yet Kalpas hesitated to close the distance. Such a selfish desire to steal some of that peace for himself– It wasn’t his to have, not this place, not this feeling, not Su.
Frustration mixed into the whirlwind of the feelings only grew stronger, a final reminder twisted like a knife in his guts, none of it could be had, not now, not ever, not in his form of existence.
His own sense of existent self forbade him from straying too far, from changing the established boundaries, but the chance to finally be so close with someone tore his mind apart, not letting Kalpas do anything about any of the feelings now getting to dangerous levels of agitation.
“This was stupid.” Kalpas mumbled under his breath, the smoke already rising from his shoulders again. He had to get out before his wishful ideas burned down the only place that had given him any peace of mind.
Pulling away from Su, he immediately made up his mind to leave then and there. Maybe not coming back for a while would get his mind to sort itself out. There were new enemies on the other side of the portal, a better alternative to trying to think about what he had so pathetically wanted to do.
Had Kalpas been less preoccupied managing to keep his rage stifled until he could leave, he would have noticed the ever so subtle increase of Su’s heartbeat right as he had been a mere breath away.
…
Ever since then, Kalpas avoided the sanctuary space, only going through it to continue his slaughter through the trial floors. He couldn’t afford to go through that feeling again, so naturally he opted to avoid the issue altogether.
His anger had no purpose, no end result. Just perpetual rage at the uncertainty of his own desperation for something he should abstain from getting too close to. Kalpas avoided Su wherever he could, and then hid away in his quarters to not have to interact with anyone else in the realm.
Then with the worst possible timing ever, some visitor had entered the Elysian realm, but just by observing them from afar, Kalpas determined they weren’t worth his time. However, their brief residence in the realm meant Kalpas wasn’t as free to go about his usual sweeps through the trial floors. His rage kept on piling up until he just couldn’t take it anymore and stormed into the highest difficulty trials with nothing more than his bare hands.
Kalpas burned through every creature that the realm threw at him, clawing his way through the trial with nothing more than the aim to destroy something–
Which only ended up being himself.
He wasn’t stupid enough to ignore such damage to his data, but nothing had come close enough to kill him during battle. If he’d been damaged beyond possible repair, Klein could have just rebooted his program and he’d be back as new.
Yet Klein herself seemed to have other plans, “Get your damage fixed up somewhere else,” she muttered, “The new visitor’s data is a much bigger priority right now.”
She left Kalpas with no other choice. Since it wasn’t critical enough for her to do something, Kalpas could always make his state worse for the admin to notice–
“I highly advise you to not do that to yourself.”
Well, someone clearly noticed.
Kalpas stopped in front of the trial gates. The “somewhere else” had come to him first. Su stood a small distance behind him, establishing an interaction after what had now been at least a couple of weeks of no contact.
“Klein asked me to stabilize your data. Please don’t make this more difficult for either of us.”
He couldn’t bring himself to decline. Kalpas could have easily ignored the doctor and went into the trials anyway, but the lovely voice only rooted itself deeper into his mind. Curse his state of damaged data, Kalpas couldn’t think clearly at all. His fingers twitched with the want for something unattainable. How deeply he detested those feelings.
Su had walked up closer to him, cautiously as his presence beside Kalpas wasn’t overbearing. He put his hand on Kalpas’ shoulder, gently so as to not startle him– only to have the man spin around and push his masked face into Su’s shoulder, hiding himself away even more. Kalpas couldn’t manage out a single word, he kept his fists clenched at his sides to not do something too rash and unwanted– Hell, he just wanted all of the mess to be over, to just be able to enjoy silent sunlight again.
Was that truly too much to ask?
“It won’t take long, I promise.” Su’s lovely voice sounded right next to his ear and Kalpas wanted nothing more than to melt into the warm solace dangled out in front of his desperate self once again.
The procedure passed by in a blur of Su taking care of Kalpas’ damaged state, restoring the stability of his body. The data naturally began to fix itself after a while of Kalpas laying in a dissociative state all the while Su remained a permanent presence at his side.
It certainly felt better to be taken care of by Su instead of Klein’s mechanical restoration procedures. And then suddenly, his state of self had been completely renewed. Didn’t matter how long it had taken, caring for Kalpas had been time spent away from the new visitor.
With that warm thought in his mind, Kalpas sat up from the bed, trying to get his bearings just as Su walked into the room.
“Are you feeling alright?” Su asked walking over to sit beside his latest patient. Kalpas adjusted the mask on his face, mumbling, “Stable I guess… Thank you for this.. for the.. everything.” he gestured to the room around, “..Didn’t have to.”
“I got worried, you know.” Su muttered, “You failed to show up in the sanctuary space for a while. What happened for you to change your mind?”
“I didn’t want to change my mind.” Kalpas knew damn well what made him run away. He couldn’t take the squeeze of his insides when the moment became too fragile, something he could destroy within mere seconds, “It’s better I stay away. I have my outlet and you have yours.”
“Kalpas, I didn’t think I’d have to say it, but you’re always welcome in my space of solace.” Su spoke up, a stern tone in his calming voice, “It doesn’t matter that it’s not yours. I let you enter, so you shouldn’t have to restrict yourself if you need to take a break away from everything else.”
“Su, I’m telling you I can’t. I shouldn’t.” Kalpas raised his voice ever so slightly, feeling the panic of his emotional desperation close to overflowing again, “I’m not meant to have it in any shape or form–”
A gentle touch snapped him from the spiral, Su had cupped the side of his face, making the guy look at him. Kalpas still had his face covered by the mask, a permanent reminder of who he was in the realm, who he had been in the previous era. A token of his inhuman self, drawing a firm border between him and the being others saw.
The first time Su ever saw Kalpas without his mask was when his data had been critically damaged a very long time ago. The system Klein had him hooked up to malfunctioned and the small assistant needed to manually remove the mask covering his face to properly assess the damage. Kalpas’ eyes were closed in stasis, yet the exhaustion engraved into his simulated features still showed.
Su had stepped closer for a quick examination too, only for the man to open his eyes and look directly into Su’s bright fuchsia irises. Kalpas had never looked so defeated. They exchanged a silent glance, Kalpas refusing to speak. Su reached out to the guy and to his utter surprise, Kalpas accepted his hand, even squeezed it in his half awake state. The gesture had been out of an ache for comfort. Su kept quiet too.
And even now, as it was just the two of them hidden away in Su’s bedroom, Kalpas still melted at the soft touch. Su pulled himself closer to Kalpas, moving his fingers to brush under Kalpas’ mask, gently lifting it up enough to expose the lower part of his face. Kalpas stayed still, silent as Su leaned in to close the minimal distance left between them.
The sensation felt soft and so very light against his lips. A warm spring breeze, just a moment, just a touch. Kalpas’ hand found Su’s, allowing him to push the mask fully off of his face and not caring how desperate it made him out to be. Su kissed him a bit harder this time, but still so very warm– Kalpas squeezed Su’s hand tighter, intertwining their fingers to keep the other close, to not lose any of him in the moment.
Su was the first to pull away, just enough to be able to speak. Their hands were still laced together, they were still so very close–
“Is this what you wanted to feel the last time you visited me?” Su asked, finding that now Kalpas refused to look at him. Yet he squeezed Su’s hand, not letting him go. Just the act alone seemed to be growing his frustration on the topic once more.
Fighting back the urge to press his hand against his lips to at least feel that pressure again, Kalpas muttered, “That’s exactly why I shouldn’t–”
“Kalpas, you’re allowed to want something.” Su cut him off right there, “We’re only bound to stay here and carry our knowledge. Anything you wish to do with the endless time you have, you can.”
“Anger is all I have until the end of time, it’s all I have been given.” Kalpas spat, “Everything else doesn’t belong to me, it’s been proven to me time and time again– none of what I feel should be happening– For the state I am in, it’s way too late to try and make a change.”
Hell, he sounded desperate now. His throat tightened up, as if to speak about it was wrong. None of this should be his to even dream about, so why did it hurt so much to lack it? The expression on his face must have given away the inner turmoil, Kalpas didn’t dare to look Su in the eyes.
“But do you want this?” Su asked in a gentle voice, leaning over to try and find Kalpas’ eyes. He felt the man squeeze his hand again.
“Yes,” Kalpas barely breathed out, “Yes, absolutely I do–”
With barely a breath to spare, Su found Kalpas’ lips again as he pulled the man into another kiss and this time Kalpas certainly kissed back. He squeezed Su’s hand that was still in his grasp, desperately holding on.
Warmth. It was all Kalpas could feel.
Not that of the fire seeping through his veins or that of destructive flames reaping the battlefield– Instead a soft and comforting one, something he must not have ever experienced before. It wasn’t a sensation meant for him.
Yet here he was, drowning in the feeling like he’d never get enough of it. Solace was dangerous, Kalpas knew how easily he could grow dependent on it, but even if it meant he’d never get to feel like this again, the mere moment was worth his entire existence of suffering.
Su slowly parted from him, pretty fuchsia eyes studying Kalpas’ features. He brought their intertwined hands up closer as if marveling at the sight. Kalpas didn’t let go.
“Why would you do that..?” Kalpas muttered under his breath, “Nothing good will come out of what you just did.”
“Kalpas.” Su smiled as he gave Kalpas’ hand a reassuring squeeze, “You’re allowed to be human.”
The words rendered him speechless. Kalpas stared at Su as if he’d misheard the words that had left the other’s lips so clearly. After everything, after how many millenia spent in this damn imaginary space, someone was willing to see him as something he’d already accepted as unattainable.
“You’re someone worth being human.” Su spoke again, still close to Kalpas, “Even if you refuse to see it yourself.”
“Don’t say that.” Kalpas muttered, “I have never needed anything but the anger that keeps me alive. And yet you have something I have wanted for so long. It should be pissing me off, but it isn’t… I just keep hoping I wouldn’t have to do anything about it.”
“A calmness, my state of peace.” Su voiced Kalpas’ thoughts out loud, “It is all I hold, but you’re welcome to rest in it. I’ve left my space open for you each time because I know how much you need it.”
“What are you trying to say there..?” Kalpas stammered, although the revelation was starting to dawn on him.
“I too wish for your presence.” Su looked down at their intertwined hands, emphasizing their connection, softly caressing Kalpas’ fingers with his thumb.
“You’re mental.” Kalpas let out a pained laugh, “No one in their right mind would want me around.”
“And yet here I am, willingly around you again.” Su said with a smile, meeting Kalpas’ eyes, “Your presence is comforting every single time I’m next to you.”
Kalpas could barely believe what he was hearing. He must have been hallucinating because of the data damage to his simulation, this couldn’t possibly be real. Yet the ghostly feeling of Su’s lips pressed against his lingered even still. There was one way Kalpas could check for sure any of it was actually happening.
He closed the minimal distance between them again, just like he had wanted to do all that time ago–
Their lips met again, softly as Kalpas didn’t really know what else to do. Su kissed him back, pulling closer. Kalpas slowly raised his free hand to cup Su’s cheek and keep him there, letting himself melt in the warmth of the newfound touch. He couldn’t let himself fall too deep into the greed to keep this feeling forever, to feel at peace in someone’s arms after years of rejecting the desperate desire to hold someone close. It was all selfishness in the end, to let himself indulge deeper into what should never have been a part of him in the first place.
Kalpas tilted his head to the side and tried to deepen the kiss, to feel more of the numbing pressure. His need to fill that void only grew more and more demanding, Kalpas had to restrain himself lest he tried to devour Su. It felt so good to have that feeling reciprocated, to feel Su searching for the collar of his jacket to grab hold of it and keep Kalpas there.
Su parted his lips slightly, just as an invite to deepen their exchange even further. Kalpas however was on the verge of losing his mind. He needed to take a breather, to think about the whole situation for a bit more than just desperate kisses.
Reluctantly, he dragged his last breath out before slowly parting from Su, but not letting go completely just yet.
“You’re fine with this?” Kalpas mumbled against Su’s lips, only to receive a soft kiss on the cheek, “I wouldn’t be here otherwise.”
This time Kalpas pulled away, putting a bit more distance between them, “Su, I… I cannot offer you much more than this. I’m not made for loving relationships, I am not someone who can–”
“Hey, look at me,” Su caught Kalpas’ gaze again, “There is no rush, especially here. Not even a need for labels. We can stick to just this, be each other’s comfortable company. You can learn along the way, do what feels right in the moment.”
“You realize you can’t get away anymore, right?” Kalpas spoke up as a last ditch effort to stop this right there.
“You haven’t let go of my hand for the past twenty minutes, I think I get what I’m signing up for.” Su softly chuckled, raising their intertwined hands up to examine, “You really like this, don’t you?”
The tips of Kalpas’ ears turned red at the acknowledgement, but he managed only a small nod, “It feels nice.”
“You can come seek me out whenever you wish, nothing has changed about that. I’ll be waiting wherever you want us to meet.” Su smiled, “I wish to keep your company.”
…
When a new portal opened up at the end of his carnage, Kalpas couldn’t help the smile tugging at his lips. The twilight woods warmly welcomed him, the soft breeze gently brushing past his exposed arms as if pulling him deeper into the tranquil space.
Su sat waiting atop the higher branches, bright fuchsia eyes looking down to where Kalpas stood.
He’d been waiting.
As if welcoming Kalpas home.