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Chapter Text

As the Priestess wrung her hat free of murky underground water, she looked up at the distance her party traversed. It was a miracle that they survived the fall with only minor injuries – she already took care of Wizard’s sprained ankle with Minor Heal – and any goblin that would try to follow after them would have to be suicidal.

“Porcelain quest my foot!” Warrior sputtered angrily, knocking some water out of his ear. “I thought we’re here to fight a bunch of small fry, not… whatever the hell that thing that grabbed Monk was.”

“Don’t remind me.” Introduced fist-first to the strength of a Hobgoblin, the martial artist nevertheless made it out okay – if her entire face resembling a huge purple bruise could be considered “okay”. “There were so many of them, too… we almost died back there.”

“If only…” Their spellcaster dusted herself off, squinting to see her teammates; her glasses broke during a fall. “We were lucky to avoid an ambush.”

“Speaking of ambush, we’ve got one incoming!” Warrior called out, pointing up. Indeed; it seemed the goblins decided to push one of their own down the ravine to check how deep it was. The screaming greenskin splattered on the rocks nearby the party, causing the goblins above to howl in animalistic, near-demonic laughter. It was a small victory, a brief bout of amusement after such a ripe bounty slipped from their fingers. “Oh. Well, that was anticlimactic.”

“Let’s get a move on before they hit us with one of those.” Monk grumbled, offering Wizard a hand for guidance. Priestess watched the dying goblin twitch on the rocky formation for a bit more before shaking her head and rejoining the party.

----

To make a long story short, the rookies were lost.

Priestess wasn’t the kind of person to say “told you so”, but they were really unprepared for that quest, let alone additional difficulties that cropped up along the way. A healing potion was one thing, but could they not buy some bandages, or a length of rope, or more torches?

For all it was worth, they’ve found no hostile beings during their aimless wandering – or any beings at all, really. “…you guys think these are some catacombs…?” Monk asked at some point from the end of the formation.

“I didn’t see any graves or tombs anywhere.” Warrior replied, leading the group once more. “You mentioned you don’t have anything to beat undead with, right, Priestess?”

“Oh, um… n-not really, no.”

“They’re usually weak to fire…” Wizard hummed. “But you’ll have to guide me to actually hit the target.”

“Well, I’d… feel an undead’s presence if they were any nearby, unless they’re smart enough to mask it…”

“But if they’re smart, then we’re probably not gonna have a good time.” The boy’s assessment was one that everyone in the party could agree with. They threaded carefully. The cave corridor had no nooks or crannies, going straight ahead the entire time. It didn’t seem to have been made that way; just another strange coincidence. Nobody said anything, content to simply soldier on ahead.

And then Monk’s quiet gasp alarmed all of them. Someone was ahead.

“Easy there. I mean no harm.” A soft, female voice – though with a heavy accent that Wizard recognized as one used by the low class townsmen from big cities – called out from the darkness. Slowly, a woman give or take few years older than them emerged from the darkness with a torch. A blonde with short hair and deep blue eyes, she wore a yellow uniform with a thin cloak over it. “Did you get lost in the caves?”

“You could say that. We were higher up, on a Goblin clearing quest.” Warrior said, trying his best to maintain a straight face. It was hard not to blush in face of such a gorgeous woman. The rest of his team too took notice of various things about the stranger. Monk took notice how she kept a positively enormous firearm on her back without breaking a sweat. Wizard observed the little black-and-red crest on the uniform, not recognizing it as anything she knew.

Priestess, ever so slightly conscious of her body, could not help but stare at the vast tracts of lands ahead.

“Goblins? But you’re Porcelains, aren’t you?” Slowly, the woman came a little closer to shine the light over the rookie team. “The goblins are a dangerous lot.”

“Yeah, we… came a little unprepared.” Monk admitted sheepishly, ostentatiously rubbing her bruised face. “It was a stroke of luck that we made it out okay.”

“…here’s hoping the women upstairs can survive a bit longer.” Warrior said dejectedly. For a moment no one muttered a word.

“Well, you take small victories. Someone will surely notice that you haven’t come back and send in reinforcements.” The blonde stranger smiled a little uncertainly. “For now, let’s get you patched up. Come with me, you four.”

“Do you live here?” Wizard asked with an eyebrow raised in suspicion.

“Something like that. It’s not far from here.”

“W-wait. Um… who are you exactly?” Priestess asked suddenly, feeling herself grow ever so slightly more tense in the presence of the stranger. It was weird enough that they’ve found a friendly face so deep below the goblin cave, but there was something else that was setting her off.

Like how the stranger cast no shadow. “Oh, sorry. You can call me Guard Girl.” The blonde smiled, much more earnestly than a while back. “That’s what my Master calls me.”

----

For a servant of an ancient creature of darkness, Guard Girl was surprisingly straightforward.

It only took Priestess a single question for the fellow blonde to out herself as a vampire. She was even kind enough to showcase her prominent canines. “I realize this may sound strange to you, but I really mean no harm.” She said sheepishly, seeing the rookies move a little back from her.

“I’m not comfortable with this, but if she had ill intentions, she would have killed us right away.” Monk added with a frown, arms folded over her chest.

“Maybe she’s just leading us to her Master as food…” Warrior countered, but there was a distinct lack of certainty in his voice. Rookies knew that no matter how they sliced it, they had no chance against a vampire – normally a seasoned threat for Bronze adventurers. Even the weakest and most pitiful of ghouls – usual vampiric servants – were considered a Steel-grade threat.

A vampire that had other vampires as servants was a threat reserved for Gold and above. “Oh no. Well, I mean… we will need a bit of your blood for sustenance, if that’s all the same to you…”

“I do like my blood inside me, thanks.” Monk groused. Guard Girl shook her head vigorously.

“Oh no, we won’t be drinking directly from you. That’d make you ghouls or lesser vampires, and we don’t really have any interest in sticking out even more.” Eventually, she led them to a large underground cavern that split into many different routes. In the middle of it was a lake of questionable content, bubbling ominously and turning the very air askew in the nearest vicinity.

In the very middle of the lake stood a stone pillar, upon which roosted a creature with no name, too horrible to describe with words. The rookies’ eyes widened as they looked upon this chimera, part-bird, part-dinosaur, part-demon. Priestess said a quick prayer under her breath, a call for help from the Earth Mother; something that did cause the vampire leading them to flinch ever so slightly. “O-oh! Oh, um, I’m sorry…!”

“It’s okay. Most priests do that under duress.” Guard Girl waved her off with an awkward smile.

“Is that your Master?” Wizard asked, regarding the demon-bird cautiously. Staring at it alone was enough to invite nausea and dizziness, though her lack of vision at the time did a great job at minimizing the damage. The blonde vampire shook her head.

“No, just a Shantak that perched here. An ornery tosser, that one. It must have accidentally mistaken Master for an eldritch realm.” The rookies looked at each other, then back at the Guard Girl, mouths agape at the sheer dissonance between the words spoken and the casual tone of the vampire. “It preys on reckless adventurers and goblins dumb enough to go down here.”

“Will it attack us?”

“I sure hope not.” The blonde frowned, leading the group around the acid lake. “I’m getting real sick of having to teach that bird a lesson time and again.”

“Could your Master deal with it?”

“No, he thinks it’s hilarious.” Judging by the grouchy tone, Guard Girl did not share her superior’s enthusiasm about the demon-bird. Speak of the devil, the beast slowly opened its yellow eyes, irises crisscrossed into a pattern so confusing and perplexing, it physically hurt to look at it. Its vaguely lizardlike head swiveled as it slowly rose from its roost, looking at the curious arrivals. “…oh bugger all. Look, go further ahead. Don’t go too far from the lake, just stay far enough to be out of its range. I don’t want Master to splatter you over the walls for fun.”

“Oh gods, you’re bleeding.” Monk gasped in alarm, going to grab Warrior’s disoriented form. The boy was crying tears of blood, looking blankly ahead, seemingly not at all aware of his surroundings. “Priestess, guide Wizard for now. I’ll keep him up.” Hoisting the currently indisposed leader of the rookie team up on her arms, she watched the healer offer a hand to their spellcaster who too appeared ever so slightly dizzy.

“Try not to look at that bird too much. Staring at things from other worlds ends poorly.” Guard Girl said as she gestured towards the intended exit for the rookies. Shantak trilled slowly, perching up on the roost. It was gigantic, its wings seemingly filling out the near-entirety of the cave. Or, perhaps, the confusion and the brainshakes were making it so. “I’ll be done in a minute.”

“R-right. Please, um, stay safe?” Priestess stammered, watching the vampire casually crack her knuckles and put away her huge firearm, letting it rest against the wall. Guard Girl turned to look at the healer and offered a smile.

“That’s what I’ll do.” And then she set off while the smaller blonde followed Monk. She did not turn back when Shantak screeched out an orgy of sound so dreadful it made her ears bleed, screaming as she stumbled with Wizard nearby to find the safe spot.

Monk and Warrior were there too, though not looking very well themselves. The martial artist was currently carefully wiping the leader’s bloody tears, herself suffering from a nosebleed. With great caution, Priestess set Wizard down next to Warrior. “I still have one Minor Heal…”

“We might have to use it.” Monk sighed, sitting down on her knees in front of the leader. “I don’t know what Shantaks are, but Warrior got the biggest eyeful of it out of all of us.”

“I’ve never been so happy to miss my glasses.” Wizard groaned exhaustedly, taking her hat off and lying her head down on the leader’s shoulder.

“…do you think we’ll leave these caves alive?” She asked after a moment of pregnant silence amongst the rookie crew. Nearby, both Shantak and Guard Girl were screaming at each other, accompanied by thunderous claps of blows landing on their targets. Nobody dared look that way.

“We have to have faith.” Priestess finally broke the quasi-silence with a nod, trying and failing to sound certain of her words. “If… if Guard Girl is speaking the truth, they’ll probably just ask us for a small cut on a finger to drink our blood and then…”

“And then what?” Warrior finally spoke out, stirring weakly in his place. The healer flinched, reminding herself of her remaining miracle as she aimed Minor Heal at their leader. “They’ll just let us leave, fully aware that we can let the Guild know?”

“…do you think anyone will believe us?” Monk sighed, eyes closed. “We’re just four Porcelain adventurers who went to clear a goblin nest and left traumatized.”

“And even if they do, two vampires and… whatever that Shantak was, just sitting under a goblin cave? They’ll laugh us out of the Guild building.” Wizard added with a grumble. Priestess flinched slightly, the miracle finally taking effect as Warrior stirred up, rolling his neck slightly.

“…maybe we could… leave them be…” The healer suggested. By the acid lake, the beast with no name started squealing in pain, accompanied by distinct sounds of bones being snapped like twigs and a lot of exotic curses slung by Guard Girl. Nobody dared to look that way still.

“I can’t believe it’s the Earth Mother’s Priestess saying that.” Monk laughed, but the laugh came off as a little forced. Priestess allowed herself an unsure smile. “You know, once we leave, I vote we take something less stressful.”

“If we leave…” Warrior grumbled, only for Wizard to bop him on the nose. “…alright, once we leave.” That little gesture, a measure of camaraderie and a bit of humor in trying times proved just enough for the party to relax ever so slightly as they blessed themselves with smiles of encouragement. It helped that the sounds of fighting had finally died down. A figure showed up in the corner of the eye, dragging her feet and grumbling under her breath.

“A-are you okay?” Priestess asked unsurely, watching the roughed-up personage of Guard Girl. The vampire didn’t reply immediately, opting to pick up her firearm first and sling it over her shoulder.

“Been better… ow, that bloody smarts.” Turned out, her left arm had been dislocated, hanging uselessly by her body. The uniform, while largely undamaged, had been splashed with strange blue stains – presumably such was the color of Shantak’s blood. “Well, that bird got what was coming to him… we’ll be at it together later, no doubt.”

“You didn’t kill it?”

“It’s a tough bastard. Regenerates fast. I can still make him hurt all over though.” Guard Girl smirked. Priestess’s eyes briefly widened as she saw the vampire’s eyes turn a tinge redder for a moment. Or was it her imagination, exacerbated by the experiences of today? “You guys okay?”

“…been better.” Warrior grumbled from his spot. The vampire laughed, idly licking some of the eldritch blood off her face.

“Well, it won’t be following us any time soon. Hey, you’re a martial artist, right?” She asked Monk. The girl nodded, surprised by a sudden question. “Can you give me a hand with this?” Guard Girl lightly swung her dislocated arm for emphasis.

Chapter Text

“What… what is your Master like?” Priestess asked at some point. After a brief pause to set Guard Girl’s arm back into place, they set off again. According to the blonde vampire, it wasn’t much further away, but the healer had to wonder just how far away from their original point of entry they were. Were they even anywhere near the Frontier Town at this point?

“He’s… an eccentric.” Judging by the hesitation in Guard Girl’s voice, it seemed that “eccentric” is a light way of putting something much more complicated. “I suppose that comes with being so old. He’s been a vampire for… give or take seven hundred years.”

“What about you?” Warrior asked.

“Twenty years or so. Feels like it was yesterday.” The blonde idly adjusted her firearm on her shoulder. “Me and some of my friends from City Guard were investigating a case of missing persons back then. My first big job. We ran into a cult led by a minor vampire, all of my friends died, I got bitten and nearly died myself.”

“…you mean, your Master then saved you? Just showed up in a city?” Monk asked incredulously.

“He liked to go out on walks. Long story short, he turned me into a vampire and… here we are, really.”

“Have you been on the run all that time?” Guard Girl sighed dejectedly.

“Not always. There used to be someone he answered to once.” There certainly was a tone of longing behind her words. It was obvious that whoever commandeered her Master no longer walked amongst the living (or the undead). “A woman of incredible character and indomitable will.”

“Another vampire…?” Warrior asked with a bated breath. Said Master of Master had to be exponentially more powerful, likely a match worthy of a Platinum-graded hero.

“No, just an ordinary human.” That gave the rookies pause as they stared at Guard Girl’s back with stupefied expressions. “Well, as ordinary as she could be.”

“How is that possible…?” Wizard questioned. The blonde vampire shrugged slightly.

“She was incredible. Firm like steel, unwavering like a dwarven castle.” Priestess caught a hint of a wistful smile as the corridor became wider. “She tamed Master when she was a child, younger than you are now. He followed her since, and her passion was to oppose the Demon Lord and his forces. And so, once an ancient general of Evil sealed by heroes of the past, Master became the bloodhound that ripped apart demons, undead and other such fellows as his pastime.”

“…I think he enjoyed himself a lot. It was therapeutic, soothing; to turn his own monstrosity against the fellow beasts of darkness, so that only one could remain… but Master’s Master died, and” Guard Girl’s voice turned somber. “he’s never recovered.”

“What do you mean? Wouldn’t he be happy to be free again?”

“No. I… think he loved her, honestly. When your loved ones die, it doesn’t matter if you’re human or undead. It hurts all the same. So, uh… before we step into his domain, I have to ask you something.” Guard Girl turned to look at the rookies, a serious look adorning her pretty features. “Master’s not well. Please… be kind to him. He’s a bit of a handful, but he won’t harm you if you’re civil.”

The four looked at each other, then back to the vampire before nodding resolutely. They resumed their walk, and soon natural caves gave way to a crude abode carved in the wet stone. Priestess took notice of two coffins a little to the side of the room; one simple and plain, and the other of ornate design, the kind that a distinguished church official would get. There was a stone table, a couple of stranger “furnitures” carved in the wall, and a throne on top of a rocky staircase.

Atop a throne sat a man in red. From afar it was impossible to tell his features, further obscured by his flamboyant ensemble and a wide-brimmed hat. One leg over the other and with a face resting leisurely on his arm, he looked at them from his stone seat. Priestess shuddered despite herself. The man over there exuded so much malevolent, dark presence it was making her head spin. He wasn’t even trying to be imposing; quite the opposite.

She looked over to Warrior, though this time their leader seemed to be holding himself straight, trying his best not to appear scared out of his wits. “Master… I brought visitors.” Guard Girl announced, standing aside and leaving the rookies face to face with Elder Vampire, creature of unimaginable power and eldritch abilities, a threat so grave that a Platinum hero was needed for a semblance of a fair fight.

Slowly, the vampire in red rose from his seat – or did he float? – and stepped down towards them. His previously assumed orange eyes were in fact just orange-tinted goggles, obscuring the real color behind the glass. He took a single look at Priestess and she found herself on the floor, her knees giving up, unable to hold herself straight in presence of such a monster. Monk helped her back up, but her legs were still wobbly. Elder Vampire stopped a respectful distance away from the party, raising his hand – hidden in a white glove adorned with a demonic symbol – before pointing at Wizard. For the most pregnant of moments, there was nothing but silence; both rookies and Guard Girl awaited just what was going to happen next.

“Grumpy, Happy, Bashful and Dopey.” He intoned in a smooth baritone, completely serious as his finger moved from Wizard to Monk, then Priestess and finally Warrior. A bit to the side, the other vampire in a room breathed a sigh of relief while the rookies looked on blankly at the Elder Vampire, completely mystified as the subconscious dread gave way to utter puzzlement. “And where are the other three dwarfs, Guard Girl?”

----

High above this bizarre scene, a man simply known as Goblin Slayer had just finished the extermination of the nest. It was a routine clearing, and the nest itself wasn’t particularly noteworthy. The previously abducted women were accounted for, and yet… something was amiss.

His habit was to note anything that would be considered out of place. He knew that a Porcelain party went here for the same quest, but there was no sight of them anywhere. There were three young women in that party – a ripe opportunity for goblins – and yet they were nowhere to be found in the cave. Furthermore, one of the greenskins was missing.

Perhaps the most puzzlingly, every goblin in the nest – the children excluded – missed a middle finger.

----

The four rookies stood before the creature of worst nightmares, and they were completely dumbfounded.

“Well, Guard Girl?”

“Sorry, Master, only four Dwarves this time.” It seemed the lesser of the vampires in the room didn’t seem to find anything strange about this situation.

“A-actually, Sir, we’re not dwa—“ Priestess started against her better judgment and then yelped when the Elder Vampire’s face was suddenly inches away from hers, letting her take in the pale countenance and sharp canines. Under the orange glass, the eyes of the undead were blood red.

“And one’s a priest. Fantastic. Are we gonna have to scrub this entire place clean once the eight-year-olds start flooding in?”

“It will not come to that, Master. I merely invited them to lick their wounds and to take their blood.”

“Dibs on the big-tittied egghead.” With a lazy gesture towards Wizard – who seemed to be torn between looking affronted and befuddled – the Elder Vampire then waved them off, returning to his seat. “Do whatever servant duties you feel like imposing on yourself, Guard Girl. I’m off to beat the snot out of the Sandman for giving me nightmares.” The red-clad undead rested his chin on his hand in an universal gesture of boredom before, seemingly, falling asleep.

The rookies remained silent, just kind of staring at the bizarre creature on the stone throne. “Well, that went better than expected.” Guard Girl hummed. “You four are hungry?”

----

Having finally patched themselves up and sitting over beef jerky and graham crackers – acquired from the bodies of unfortunate adventurers that slipped into a river nearby, still dry thanks to wonders of airtight containers – the four Porcelain adventurers had to voice their experiences so far.

“I didn’t expect him to be so… flippant? I think that’s a good word.” Monk said, not sure how to better put it.

“Big-tittied egghead…” Wizard grumbled under her breath, the faintest trace of blush on her face. “I’m… not an egghead, I’m an esteemed scholar of arcane arts!” For some reason, Warrior allowed himself a slight grin.

“Well, he could have called you worse things.” Guard Girl replied, idly sharpening the knife against a twig. “Last time he saw someone of that description, his first idea was to put his face right between.”

“Right between where?” Priestess asked obliviously, munching on her piece of beef jerky. The pregnant silence resolved with no answer to that question. “Oh yes, something has been bothering me. Uh… what did he mean by the flood of eight-year-olds?” Guard Girl shifted uncomfortably in her spot, and so did Wizard.

“There’s… a bit of notorious reputation involving clergymen of the Earth Mother.” The redhead said, weighing her words carefully. The Priestess, bless her innocent heart, only tilted her head sideways in confusion. “A-anyway, honestly, I feared that Warrior might get himself killed in some chivalrous defense there.”

“No offense, but my feet were nailed to the floor the entire time.” The leader admitted sheepishly, scratching his head. “That Vampire might be weird and goofy, but his sheer presence is just… scary.”

“That’s Impaler for you.” Guard Girl sighed, finishing the sharpening of the knife. “No matter how unwell he might be, he’s still himself.”

“…wait, that’s Impaler? The Vampire general that put all of his victims on huge stakes for display?” Monk asked in a hushed tone.

“Yup.”

“The one that stopped the heroic charge of the kingdom’s finest knights all by his lonesome?”

“Yup.”

“The Impaler that you said was tamed by an ordinary human, younger than us?”

“Three times yup.” Guard Girl laughed sheepishly. “I know it’s a bit of a crazy story, but that’s just how it is.”

“Did you… not get any paladins or heroes to try and fight you?” The blonde vampire pondered on the question some before putting the knife away and preparing a small bowl. The Priestess swallowed nervously. Right. They still had to donate some of the life liquid of theirs.

“We used to, but after Master turned one Priest inside out and wore him like a coat for a truce meeting, people just kind of stopped visiting.” Guard Girl wished this was a falsehood. Predictably, the rookies’ faces turned ever so slightly green. “Some odd fanatics show up now and then, but they don’t make it to Master’s chamber most of the time. Anyway… who wants to go first with the blood donation?”

“…wait.” Wizard’s voice cut through the silent grim acceptance. The others looked at her in confusion. “Is it fine if we do it ourselves?”

“Yourselves? I mean, that knife is helluva sharp. I don’t want you to lose a finger.”

“While that’s understandable, I… have objections to a vampire watching my blood dripping into the bowl.” The realization washed over both the remaining rookies and Guard Girl herself. Her expression shifted slightly, looking displeased with herself. “Apologies.”

“No, it’s fine, I… I mean, I’ve done it many times before and…”

“I figure you may want to simply drink from the source, and then get the rest once you’re satisfied.” Guard Girl slowly tinted red.

“Wait, what are you planning to do?” Monk asked suspiciously. Wizard merely smiled.

“Not giving my blood to the crankier vampire. The knife, if you please.”

“Wait, you’re not gonna do it without your glasses. Let me help.” Warrior offered. The blonde vampire looked between the two rookies before finally, hesitantly relinquishing the blade to the leader. Priestess watched this bizarre scene with a feeling that she was about to witness something deeply forbidden.

Once Warrior made a small cut on the redhead’s hand and blood started slowly trickling out, Guard Girl gulped despite herself. Once the Wizard slowly extended her hand towards and let it drip on the stone floor, she scooted closer, cursing the eternal blood thrist and the similarity of this situation. She was fed like that before, many years ago. “Uh… maybe we should give them some space…” Monk realized that perhaps this scene was going to be a lot more intimate than previously anticipated. “Come on, Priestess.”

----

The two of them waited outside the incline where they’ve been before. It was hard to make out anything through the darkness when the only help was a dim torch hanging on the wall.

“So… how are you?” Monk initiated the discussion awkwardly, resting her back against the cool stone.

“I’m… better than I thought I’d be? I think that’s the way of putting it.” The healer shrugged slightly. “We’re still alive, Guard Girl seems… well, nice… and held to her word…”

“You really think we’ll be able to leave?”

“I have to think that.” Monk laughed dryly, gently punching the Priestess’s shoulder in an affectionate gesture.

“At least you’re being honest.” The martial artist slowly slumped down to a sit, hugging her knees. “I still have to wonder if we’re truly alive. What if it’s just a dying fever dream and we’re all at the mercy of goblins right now?”

“That would be a weird dream for all four of us to share.” The Priestess joined her shortly, scooting up close. For a moment none of them said a word. “Did you try pinching yourself?”

“Thrice already, in fact.” Monk laughed again before that laugh turned into a startled yelp. Priestess jumped a little in her seat. “You d-didn’t have to do that though.”

“…do what?”

“Yes, do what?” A deep, masculine voice rang out from not far away. It was very close, in fact, and very familiar. “Unless you mean the pinch. That was the gremlins.” The martial artist flopped back in a surprise, staring wide-eyed at the pale, raven-haired girl with piercing red eyes, wrapped up in a white winter coat and the one that was sitting on her other flank just a moment ago.

That girl was speaking with the voice of the Elder Vampire. “Pinky swear.” S/he grinned, baring long, shiny canines.

Back in the incline, the two rookies could hear a low, drawn-out moan, followed by the Warrior’s hushed “oh my gods”. If this was a dying dream, they were seriously out of their minds by now.