Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Pologue 

“What are you doing Joon-ah?”

“I go through all the photos of the past five years, sweetheart.” He shuffles through some of the printed photos that are currently overflowing his kitchen table and floor. 

“That are a lot of photos.” Jin picks up one while overlooking the chaos Namjoon has created. 

“There are even more.” He taps his laptop absentmindedly, his head slightly swimming.
 
“I need to submit the best of them until,” his eyes snap to the clock hanging on the wall, “five pm tomorrow, and I can’t decide.”
 
Jin lets the photo he has held fall onto the table again, shuffling his way onto Namjoons lap.

“Whats the first photo you have taken?” 

Namjoon thinks about it for a second, before he pulls it up on his laptop, even though it has nothing to do with the project, at least not directly.

Its a photo of his living room, more precise of his old coffee table that has been clouded by his photography equipment that day. He had worried he had accidentally broken something due to his clumsiness and a glass too many of Soju the night before. The reflection on the glass shows the blurred image of a cloudy day surrounded by buildings in one of the least wealthy parts of Seoul. 

Namjoon groans when his phone starts to blare through his small apartment with an incoming call, it doesn’t help his pounding headache at all and lets him contemplate if he should even pick it up. 

But then it could be a client and as much as he hates it he really could use work, the bills aren’t going to pay themselves after all.

He doesn’t spare the display a glance before picking up, instead focused on the lens he has found on the floor this morning.

“Hello?” 

“Joon-ah! How are you doing?”

“Yoongi Hyung?” He asks, its been a while since he heard from his oldest friend. Life is hectic for the both of them, for the older probably more since he is being found in a different country every couple business days.

“What? Did you forget me now?”

“How could I?” Namjoon says, concealing his sigh with a small laugh. He is happy hearing from his Hyung, but it doesn’t mean work for him after all. 
“How are you doing Hyung?” 

“Fine fine. Life’s been hectic.” Namjoon is almost able to see Yoongi fall onto the chair that is creaking in the background, probably an arm thrown over his eyes to drown out whatever light he was surrounded by. 

“Which country are you in today?” 

“I arrived back in Seoul, like,” A small pause, “yesterday.” The chair creaks again when Namjoon hums, putting the lens down on his coffee table, it looks fine but he will have to try it out later to make sure that it really didn’t broke. 

“Are you staying or are you flying out again soon?” He leans back into the cushions of his sofa, staring at his ceiling while ignoring the big watery looking patch in one of its corners. 

“I have a week in Seoul until I have to be on the road again.” 

“Where is it going to this time?” 

“Not far, the band I work for has some promotions to do in Busan.”

Namjoon hums again, nodding along even though Yoongi isn’t able to see that. A couple of years back he would have still needed to ask again what the band is called, but since then they have climbed the charts, their songs are running up and down at every radio station, their billboards are everywhere around the city. WINGS, thats what they are called. He shrugs. 

“How is your photography going? I heard you quit being a photojournalist to do some more basic things?” 

Namjoon didn’t quit being a photojournalist, he just hadn’t have enough commissions to pay his bills that he had to opt for some more basic things, photographing families, on weddings, pets and such, which isn’t paying his bills either. 

He shrugs, “I guess its alright.” He wasn’t sounding convincing in his own ears but he wasn’t trying either. 

“Is it still fulfilling you?”

“What do you really wanna ask Hyung?” Namjoon sits up again. They both know that photography wasn’t his ultimate dream, even when it came close, not that they are still talking about it. 

“I have a job for you. When you want it that is.” 

“A job?” Namjoon sits up straighter upon hearing that. “What kind of job?” 

“It isn’t going well for you, is it?”

“Hyung.” He doesn’t want to talk about it, way too proud for his own good, in that regard nothing has changed.

“Alright, alright, I’m sorry.” Yoongi sighs, “but it is kind of important, since it would be a five year thing.”

“What do you mean?” 

“The band I work for prepares for a ten year anniversary showcase featuring photos of them throughout their entire career. Like a photo journalist would do it, you know?”

Namjoon hums, thinking about it. His eyes fall onto the wet patch on his ceiling before he stands up to walk in small circles through his living room.

“Isn’t the band around for five years already? Wouldn’t you want to begin at the beginning?”

“Yeah, we had someone, but we ran into issues and everything and the person is gone now, so we need to make do with the next five years.” Yoongi sounds more than annoyed, five years are worth a lot of content. 

“So you thought about me?” 

“You went into photography after all, your work is good and I thought I could at least ask.” 

Namjoon wasn’t so sure, he felt uneasy with it.
“I don’t know Hyung.” 

“Think about it Joon-ah. Its five years of steady income, you wouldn’t even have to pay for any accommodations during the bands schedule and you would have the day for yourself whenever the band isn’t doing anything.”

It sounds good, probably too good, he is desperate, he knows he is and Yoongi probably knows that too, even when they never actively talk about his career it has become evident in his silence over the years, especially the last one. 

“How long do I have to think about it?” 

“I can give you until the end of this week, but I send you a copy of the contract, just go over it and see if it would be something for you, tell me then.” 

Somewhere in Yoongis background a door opens, a voice chiming in with words he doesn’t understand. 

“I will do Hyung.” His phone pings against his ear, probably the contract Yoongi has just spoken of.

“Alright, I have to go now Joon-ah. I really hope I hear from you.” And just like that the line goes dead again, the silence of his apartment begins to drown him, his eyes land on his kitchen counter where his laptop stands, display showing him a wide range of his desperate job search and he groans, falling back onto his sofa that creaks dangerously not yet fully ready to give in, but he is. 

1827 Days

The building he stands in front of is imposing, sure he has seen photos of it, but he himself hasn’t had the opportunity yet to stroll around this part of the city, seeing it with his own eyes live and in colour.

The shutter of his camera clicks, capturing the mirroring facade, the blurring hustle in front of it and the sun breaking through the, these days, consistent blanked of clouds. 

Namjoon sighs, the bag he wears is heavy on his shoulders, carrying his equipment and portfolio. He doesn’t know what to expect, since Yoongi has been vague about today while being excited that he doesn’t have the hustle of finding someone suitable for the position he offered. 

The call had been short the day before, after Namjoon accepted the offer and send the signed documents back. Making his way over the street and through the security of the place, that had been informed of who he is beforehand, was over quick. 

Which leads him to know, being led through long hallways, with wide windows and empty walls in between. Its imposing, but this is about it, no character, no warmth, just sterile coldness that makes him shiver. 

He can’t quite say why a small amount of disappointment was surging through him, but after all the talks on the Internet of those who have been in here for whatever reasons before, romanticizing all the money and the design that have been flown into this building ever since it has been build, had pulled his hopes up of some kind to see something more. 

“Thank you.” Namjoon says bowing slightly, when they stop and the man, another security guard, motions him to go in.

The room was flooded by natural light, housing a big herd of tables, which offers seat options for at least twenty people at once, a couple of white boards are complimenting the space just right.
It was empty except for one person who was looking up as soon as the door opens, abandoning whatever work they did before to jump up from their seat to great him. 

“Joon-ah! You made it!” 

“Yoongi Hyung!” Namjoon finds himself smiling, not as brightly as his Hyung does, but smiling nonetheless. He gets pulled into a quick hug, before he is waved over to sit at the table to go over some more formalities. 

“Is your passport up to date?”

“Yeah.” His passport is one of the only things he holds up to date like that, prepared for the opportunity whenever she might arises, she hasn’t until now though.

“Good, because we are flying out to Busan in two days and directly after that over to Tokyo. Pack your bags for at least two weeks, I will have someone hand you the schedule for the rest of this month and the next, so that you are up to date. I will put you into a group chat also, since it can always happen that something gets canceled or something and it is easier to inform everyone that way.” Yoongi slumps in his chair, the sun just breaking right on his face to make the dark shadows visible that his Hyung tried to conceal with make-up. 

“Is there something I need to have in mind when I do my work? Am I needed at every schedule?” 

“The guys are in the middle of promotions for their newest album that will be fully out just next month, means there are many interactions between them and their fans, a lot of reactions that could be captured, many moments to be remembered later. I trust you and your abilities. Your work has always been very good.”

Namjoon hums, silently questioning how good his work really can be when he fails to get commissions for longer than he would like to admit now.      

“I would like for you to come along the schedule for now, get to know the guys, get a feeling for them and spark that inspiration, maybe, after some time you can decide on your own which activities you think are major ones that should be included.” 

“Have you a concept in mind? The person before me, who captured the first five years, did they follow a line or something?”

Yoongi looks a bit constipated with his questions, given the two sentences he has mentioned during their first talk days ago, Namjoon figures it is still a sore topic, but he would like to know anyway, to be able to alter his work should it be needed. 

“Apparently he had one, but we are in no way able to look the footage through, nor get in contact with him, like I said this whole thing has been ugly in the end. And since we have no previous footage, we need to spin a story, maybe you could do that too, at least tell us should you find something you want to focus on more or less. As long as it portraits the bands journey the next five years it will be alright.”

“I’ll see what I can do.” He leaves it at that, it isn’t that important in the end anyway, when they are willing to just let him do his thing, and he will be around for at least five years, a lot of time to get to know the whole story someday eventually.

They sit there for a second or two, drowned in silence, before Yoongi gets up again, closing his laptop and pocketing his phone. “Do you want to get to know the band? They should all be in the building by now.”  

Namjoon nods, standing up as well, “sure.” 

“I told them that you would work with us from now on. They are a little wary though.” Yoongi tells him when they are going through the hallways again. For some reason they are not coming across anyone, not even when they change levels. 

“Whatever happened with the other photographer must have been a nightmare then.” Namjoon shakes his head, looking at his own reflection in the elevator mirrors. He ignores his tired looks, his disheveled hair that looks colourless in its darkness. 

He shrugs before Yoongi can say something. “It doesn’t really matter. I don’t plan on interacting with them much anyway. I don’t want the photos to look scripted, my role should be more one of an observer, but they should know I’m around anyway.” 

He doesn’t want them to look paranoid, like they are being watched, even when they are. Namjoon wants to capture their raw emotions, the small things that stand out, that is what he is hired for anyway, to tell a story with the photos he takes.

It is important anyway that they know his face, that they get somewhat comfortable around him to let him do just that.

“I’m sure they will warm up to you quickly.” Yoongi nods, something in his eyes remembers Namjoon of their old days, back when they still have been in college. Right now theses days seem to be away a whole life instead of just almost a decade. 

He wonders if the older feels the same, or if the years have been kinder on him than they have been on Namjoon. His thoughts get interrupted quickly when they arrive at one of the higher levels of the building, the elevator doors sliding open to yet another empty hallway. 

Namjoon is tempted to ask why these hallways seem to always be empty, not even staff walking around, but he decides not to when laughter and chaotically overlapping voices reach his ears, wafting through the air coming from one of the rooms further down.

Yoongi walks in front of him, but Namjoon is able to see him smile slightly anyway.

The voices quiet down when Yoongi knocks lightly against the door to the room where the band sits in. Huddled together on a large sofa, heads hanging above a single phone where they seem to watch something. 

“Hyung! You need to see this!” One of them waves Yoongi nearer with a wide, boxy like smile and excited glimmering eyes. When Namjoon isn’t wrong, this must be Kim Taehyung.

“Do you watch cat videos again?” Yoongi becomes softer, looking at Kim Taehyung, his smile wider, his shoulders more relaxed, or it is just a trick of light. Probably a trick of light.

Namjoon ignores it, it isn’t his business anyway, instead he lets his eyes wander over the parts of the room he can see, the sofa, the wide windows that are actually showing the sky, the four people lounging around, some notes (at least he thinks they are) pinned to the walls, next to photos of stages and crowds, of album covers. It has something chaotically that gives the illusion of structure for those who have no clue what they are looking at. 

There is a lot of free space around the floor, like it wasn’t finished yet, like the owners couldn’t decide what to do with all that space. When his wikipedia search from last evening is anything to go by, the band has just recently signed with this company, which has given them (allegedly) a whole floor for themselves, to do whatever is needed to reach even higher in ranks, on charts and the crowds hearts.   

He lets his gaze swap over Kim Taehyung who looks still as bright and excited like he did seconds ago, maybe even more while looking at Yoongi. Next to Kim Taehyung looking towards them with wide Bambi eyes sits another man, Jeon Jeongguk, arms slung around Park Jimin who was looking at him with skepticism, his bright orange hair like a warning sign. 

Kim Seokjin, the oldest member of the band, main vocalist according to wikipedia, was standing up from his place on the sofa, a small polite smile on his lips. When their fans say he is aging like a vampire, with handsomeness that is reachable not by many (maybe Namjoon drifted away from Wikipedia at some point, but you wouldn’t catch him admitting to that) they are not wrong, he thinks. 

“Yoongi-ah, is this the friend you talked about, the photojournalist?” He asks, pulling said mans attention away from his band mate. 

Yoongi turns slightly, to be able to glance at Namjoon when he nods, “yes thats him. He will work with us from now on.” 

“Kim Namjoon.” Namjoon bows, his own name heavy on his tongue. When he looks up again he sees a sparkle in Seokjins eyes that he can’t quite pin point the meaning of, but doesn’t dwell on anyway. 

“Its nice to get to know you, Yoongi sometimes, with enough liquor, tells us about his college days, which entails some stories that included a Kim Namjoon.” Seokjin winks at him, laughing a small laugh.  

Namjoon smiles slightly embarrassed and at a loss for words hoping that Yoongi wasn’t telling all the tales they lived through together, but his luck was barely existent at this point and he would probably be safer when he just ignores this.

Yoongi turns around looking apologetically at him, which he just shrugs to. 

“Namjoon will accompany us frequently from now on.” Yoongi breaks the moment of silence.

“When you need us to pose some way or something, just tell us.” Jeon Jeongguk speaks up now, his brows lightly knitted. 

“That won’t be needed. I’m not your photographer for a photo shoot.” Namjoon shakes his head, now he is the one frowning. 

“The other one always needed us to pose whenever he was around.” Park Jimin says. 

“Emotions are always caught the easiest when nothing of it is staged. I’m not a fan of interrupted moments and feelings when they are happening, so I won’t. You probably won’t even know I’m around.” His words aren’t erasing any of the skepticism, it probably heightens it, when he is lucky it will go by with just enough time. 

“Like I said, he knows what he does.” Yoongi chimes in.

“We will see.” 

Namjoon can’t pinpoint who was mumbling that, but he brushes it off, pretending he has heard nothing like he assumes it was originally intended to. 

1825 Days

Namjoon is early at the airport, he has gotten the time wrong, but better be early than late. 
For about an hour after he checks in he finds himself in the lounge, waiting for the band to arrive, reading a book that was almost falling apart in his hands, thats how often he has read it already, but it is one of his favorites and he doesn’t want to part with it at all, or get a new copy to retire this one.

Watching planes land and start, has Namjoon think about if the band is already able to afford a private one or not and just don’t like to, since they aren’t flying with one (which he isn’t as sad about).

He gets himself some food, settling near windows looking down onto the hall where people arrive, wondering over the not so small group of people that has settled there, letting the airport staff looking nervous and annoyed.

He wonders who they are here for, which celebrity was coming home again, he didn’t wrap his head around the fact that they are probably (just like he, even though they have different reasons) are waiting for the same band. 

While he fumbles around with his camera the commotion starts, pulling away his attention just to be met by security guards filling in the gaps the roaring fans create in their attempts to crowd the place even further. Namjoon lets the shutter go of, catching all of the commotion, all of the emotions.

Disbelieve, excitement so much that it becomes hysteric at some point, annoyance seasoned with some fear that breaks out when some fans break out of their lines, luckily before the band steps a foot inside, easy to get them back to where they should be. 

Hushed voices and screamed words can be heard, even in the pictures he believes, or hopes. Its when the doors open another time, that the atmosphere changes. 
He almost is able to hear how the people stop to breathe for a split second, able to see and capture the tightening faces of the security, the slight shake in the airport staffs hands while they are secretly anticipating the arrival as well. 

It breaks out when the bands steps in without halting even once, even behind their masks Namjoon thinks they look stressed, huddled slightly together, protective of each other in such a dangerous situation, dressed in black they look good, but also scared even while trying to greet their fans to not look ungrateful maybe? Perhaps they shouldn’t hide it, maybe that would bring these people to stop, but then he guesses there will always be people who are egoistical enough to not care about the bands feelings more than their own desire. 

Namjoon stares at his camera for a moment, at the last picture he has taken, contemplating if another person would see the same, probably not, such things are always different just as much as the people that are looking at them. None of the photos he just made probably will make it into the last few that are decided on fairly late into his contract, which he doesn’t think is that much of a good idea given the bad experience they have made before, but he won’t argue about it. But he did decide to let Yoongi see the best pictures he made from time to time, just so he knows what they are getting in the end. 

He sighs when he stands up, putting his trash into the bin, his camera ready to be easily accessed into his bag before he makes his way to the lounge again. Easily drowning in the mass of staff flitting around, without the need to engage.

Greeting Yoongi briefly, who looks just as stressed as everybody else, Namjoon comes to a halt near the windows, looking outside, while looking at the reflection of the room, of the band who are occupying a group of seats in one corner, talking with each other in hushed voices. 

He pulls out his camera again, clicks a photo or two, likes the perspective of the reflection and the play of light.     

“Can I sit beside you for a bit?” Someone asks when the person who normally sat next to him was probably on their way to the toilet or something. They are already high up in the air, the time telling him that they have not much left of it until they should be on their way down again. 

Namjoon looks up from his phone, ready to decline who ever stands there the seat, just to be stopped by Kim Seokjin, looking down at him questioningly. 
And while Namjoon still wants to decline, he finds himself nodding, followed by a shrug.

“How are you doing Namjoon-ssi?” Seokjin asks after sitting down, looking around for a couple of seconds before his eyes settle on Namjoon, glinting with curiosity.

“I can’t complain. And you Seokjin-ssi?” 

“I guess its the same with me.” Seokjin nods, falling silent again, his fingers knocking against the armrest in a rhythm Namjoon can’t recall.

“What can I do for you then?”

“Coming directly to the point I see.” Seokjin chuckles, like he expected something else, maybe an excited Namjoon who would almost not be able to conceal his happiness of talking to his idol. 

“Yeah,” he nods, “when you’re still worried, like I said, I will be in the background mostly you won’t even be able to tell I’m around.” 

“I thank you for your assurance, but I trust Yoongi and he seems to trust you.” The smile he receives is soft, barely there though, but it lets Namjoon frown even more. 
“I didn’t ask what Yoongi told you about the one that had the position you’re in before you, and while I trust him, I would like to see some of the photos from time to time.” 

“You see, we ran into some really ugly situations before and this band, these people are my family and I don’t want anything bad happening to them. Also, I simply don’t want to risk wasting five years with work that maybe isn’t in our taste.”

“I don’t have many yet, but you can see them whenever you like.” Namjoon says, not really able to process the change in tone and expression, but his mind surely will do its thing as soon as the situation is over. 

“Huh, that was easier than I thought.” Seokjin claps happily into his hands, standing up. “I will see you around then, Namjoon-ssi.” 

Just as fast as Seokjin appeared he disappears again, leaving Namjoons mind to spin even when the person slips into their seat again that it originally belonged to. Who knows, maybe Seokjin has more sides of a vampire to himself than just his beauty.

When the plane sinks to the ground again, shaking its passengers thoroughly Namjoon wonders if he should worry about his new found Job, he does, a little bit because he isn’t foolish enough to belief that the band wouldn’t be able to kick him out when they don’t like the photos he takes, but he decides to just do his job for now and worry later, its nothing he holds in his hands anyway, art always lays in the eyes of the one who is looking at it.  

There are a few things Namjoon learns at the same day they arrive in Busan. First, the staff never seems to stand still for once, they are like bees, always a task at hand that needs to be taken care of, which leads to structured chaos that has his head slightly dizzy. 

The second thing he learns is that it is easy to hide amongst them, no one seems to acknowledge him for more than a glance until he vanishes in the chaos around them just like everybody else, maybe with a bit more skepticism thrown at him, which he ignores easily.

The third thing he learns is how easy the band goes around some of the staff. Greeting them by their name, asking personal questions, laughing genuinely, while others, probably those who are working with them for not as long, they are more reserved around, polite, but reserved. 

Namjoon has it easy slipping around the background, clicking some photos he appreciates himself, they don’t have much time in the hotel, he gets dragged along by Yoongi to the first point of their schedule, an interview and a dinner afterwards. 

He didn’t want to be impolite by declining the offer Yoongi and some of the staff made which is why he finds himself seated at a table not that far from the band that is laughing and talking excitedly all over each other, entertaining at least half of the restaurant that was housing just them, their staff and the normal restaurant staff.

The camera in his hands is heavy, a weight that lets him feel grounded in his floating thoughts and all the different voices that are holding conversations he wasn’t following at all. He clicks some photos of the band, Jeongguk has his hands animatedly in the air, a big grin on his face, nose scrunched, he reminds Namjoon of a bunny like that. Jimin was laughing, falling halfway out of his own chair, holding himself upright on Jeongguks shoulders only, while Taehyung and Seokjin are exchanging a look, endeared and amused. 

“I invited you to get you to eat something, not to continue your work, put the camera aside and eat something.” Yoongis voice but overall his grip on his shoulder brings Namjoon back, focuses his attention on the table in front of him, on the people around him. 

He nods, putting the camera down, before he lets it slip into its bag altogether, figuring that Yoongi was right, five years should offer a few more opportunities similar to today. Filling his plate and eating some bites he tries to focus on the conversation playing out in front of him while ignoring Yoongis worried eyes finding him every now and then. 

“Can you believe it? Sungwoo from the PR team got fired a couple of days ago!” One woman, Namjoon has forgotten her name when she even introduced herself, says, pointing her chopsticks randomly into the air. 

“What why? Didn’t they hire him just a month or two ago?” 

“Apparently he tried to leak unauthorized stuff from a group for some cash a random person offered him. It wasn’t even much money!” The woman laughs, shaking her head like it was something that was happening every other day, but then, it probably does.

“Which group?” One asks, but receiving a shrug, “I don’t know.” 

“The company pays well, I don’t understand why people think they need to do this?” Another woman, she can’t be older than twenty, says then, looking genuinely confused.

“Money. One can’t have enough of it, life is always easier when you have much of that kind of paper.” The first woman tuts. 

Namjoon takes another bite of his food, thinking that it isn’t always money, but fame, its often reached easy with a scandal, but also a sick satisfaction that some people get when they can ruin and play with lives that aren’t their own to do so with. But sure, they can leave the conversation with money.

When they eventually leave the restaurant some time later, Namjoon has learned a lot about people he doesn’t even know. 
Now he knows about all the affairs that are dripping through the different departments of the company, even family constellations and how they are or aren’t affected by one of their members working for this company, from parents that hope their kids have it easier getting roped into the industry due to them working in an office associated to it.

The normal office gossip stuff, Namjoon thinks, happy that he, apparently, drowned out all the talk about who has a crush on whom, no matter if idol or not. Namjoon feels ready for the day to end. 

When they reach the hotel Namjoon opts for the stairs then the elevator, his ears ringing with the conversations he isn’t interested in at all, that pull energy from him that he hasn’t have in the first place. All he does is saying his goodbyes silently, before heading to the second level, not really thinking Yoongi would stop him, but his old friend does. 

“Namjoon, wait a second!” 

He stops in his tracks when Yoongis voice echoes around them, looks over his shoulder until he sees him appear, the worry he has sported throughout their dinner now evident on his face. 

“What’s up Hyung?” 

“I…I just wanted to… You seemed distant at dinner and I just wanted to check if everything is alright.” 

“I’m okay, just tired, it has been a long day.” And an even longer year. 

“But you would say if something is wrong, wouldn’t you?” 

“Sure, but its just my second day, nobody knows me enough to have something against me yet, Hyung.” Not that he thinks he will ever get close enough to either of them to let them have something against him at all. 

“People don’t need to be close to you to be against you in some shape or form Joon-ah.” 

“I know, but like I said, its just my second day and I’m just tired.” Namjoon shrugs. He can see it in his Hyungs eyes that he doesn’t believe him, Namjoon doesn’t believe himself, he can’t blame Yoongi.

They stand there in silence, the light flickering out before it comes to live again because his hand finds the switch easily. 

“Will you tell me about it some day?” 

Namjoon takes a deep breath, feels it travel through his body while he doesn’t need to think about what Yoongi means. “I don’t think so.” He shakes his head, sees the sadness wash over his Hyungs face, wondering for a split second if it is his own, a projection, because why should Yoongi be sad about something he has no real picture about.

“Don’t get me wrong Hyung, I’m just not ready and I don’t think I ever will be.” 

“Alright, but should you change your mind, I’m here.” 

“I know Hyung, thank you.” Namjoon nods, they both know that he probably will never take him up on the offer, but it was nice to hear it anyway. 

“We both should go get some sleep then, we need to be awake early tomorrow.” 

“What is it again the band is filming?” Namjoon tries to remember the schedule he has received from Yoongi a couple of days ago, but he can’t seem to do so.

They walk the remaining steps side by side, stopping just in the hallway to their respective rooms. “A show of some comedians or something, its nothing they have chosen to do but the company thought it would be a good idea.” Yoongi shrugs, still not looking happy but now for a different reason. 

“When I’m not remembering it wrongly it will be in a water park or something.” 

“So water proof equipment it is.” Namjoon sighs, happy that he thought about bringing something like that, but with his clumsiness he will most likely stay as far in the background as possible. 

“Alright, have a good night then Hyung.” 

“Good night Joon-ah.”   

1822 Days

Namjoon doesn’t remember the last time he has been in Japan, Tokyo. Its definitely been a while, a few years at least.

It has been a busy day, after a few more busy days. Days and schedules that have been more chaotic than he expected them to be, at this point though he thinks the band lives for this chaos and the staff too, but them not that willingly and enthusiastically. 

His days have been a whirlwind, but more than that they have been long. They start early, mostly even before the sun began rising and while Namjoon doesn’t have to be awake then, it has made due for some sleep deprived pictures, which he identifies with more than anything, since sleep isn’t something that comes and stays easily for him. 

While he holds himself in the background just like he has said he would, it didn’t save him from at least a bit of interaction, with the staff and with the band, even though it has been mostly Seokjin he has interacted with yet, due to them seemingly always running into each other in the hallways of the hotels they are staying in.

They don’t say much more than polite words of greeting and glances that make Namjoon wonder when the first time will be that Seokjin will come around to see some of the pictures he has taken until now, which are a few, but after going through them as soon as he is home again they will probably just a bit more than a handful anymore. 

The first look through he does when he is, at night, back in his hotel room shows him a lot of photos that are just lacking something, while he isn’t able to pin point what exactly this something even is. Its just slightly frustrating. 

They just came back from yet another interview and a small celebration over a single the band just released, it has been alright, nothing Namjoon would have liked to do when he would have had a real opportunity to avoid it. He could have dipped at some point, but he has seen the look Yoongi had given him, laced with worry, so he stayed, listening to the staff around him and their overly gossipy conversations which they don’t appear to grow tired of. 

“When you said you would keep in the background I didn’t think you meant it to this extend.” 

Namjoon whirls around just to come face to face with Seokjin, who was holding himself upright with one hand at the wall. He has seen him drinking his fair share so he isn’t surprised that the older needs the extra support. 

He shrugs, “I’m no social butterfly.” 

“Ah and here I thought you’re just shy.” 

“Not shy, I just like my quiet.”

“You and your quiet should be careful not to get lonely.”

“Your concern is nice, but its not needed.” Namjoon isn’t sure what he should think of this, and when he is honest the warning just came too late, but he wouldn’t say that out loud.

He gets glared at, “I want to see the pictures you have taken so far.” Seokjin sways slightly when he pulls his hand away from the wall to cross his arms in front of his chest.

“Fine, but are you sure your vision isn’t too blurry right now? Don’t get me wrong, you can see them, I just wonder.” 

Namjoon is almost able to see Seokjin thinking, his lips pulled into a slight pout, his brows knitted into a frown, his mouth opens, probably to repeat his demand, but the words weren’t able to slip from his tongue. 

“Hyung!” The youngest of the band appears behind Seokjin, pulling him into his side protectively. 
“Is everything alright?” 

“Yeah, everything’s alright Kook.” Seokjin sighs. “I wanted to see the pictures he has already taken.” 

“But?” Namjoon receives a glare, Jeongguk probably thinks he has denied the request.

“But I’m way too drunk and wouldn’t see much anyway.” Seokjin turns around, tapping the younger’s chest, “come on kook, I’m tired.” A yawn follows the words and with another glare at Namjoon they are on their way to the elevators again, leaving him alone again. 

He watches them until they are gone, until he stands alone in the hallway, surrounded by closed doors and unsettling silence. He sighs, the tone deep and sad before he spins around on his heels to finally fall into his bed a few minutes later, letting sleep wash over him. 

Namjoon isn’t the biggest fan of crowds and loud noises, his college self would have had a blast though, at one point he dreamed of crowds like this one and a stage he could call his home, but it went differently and now he feels foreign around a venue like this one, trying to navigate the best point of where he can do his job from and count the minutes until he is able to leave again. 

“Joon-ah!” Yoongi appears next to him, in all the chaos he hasn’t even seen him approach him. 

“Hyung!” He says, his voice a bit louder than it would normally be, but with how loud the crowd already is, even though it takes a few more minutes until the band would appear on the stage, he has no other choice than put more volume into his voice. 

“You alright? You look a bit lost.” 

“Just trying to find a suitable place.” He lets his eyes demonstrative wander above the crowd and the few free places he can spot from where he is behind the stage right now. 

“Come, I think I have a good one for you.” Yoongi waves him to follow and Namjoon does, breathing a little bit easier when they take some steps until they reach a small balcony no one else is on, but offers a perfect view onto the stage and the first few rows of fans. 

“Thats a good one.” Namjoon pulls his camera out, concentrating to setting it up like he wants and needs. 

“Thought so.” Yoongi is halfway down the stairs again, when he pokes his head up again, “It evokes memories, doesn’t it?”

“Is that the reason you chose to become their manager? To be near the memories?” Yoongi, out of the three of their college group, would have been the only one who would have had a real chance in this industry, not just as a manager, but as a rapper, like the three of them had dreamed about. Until this day Namjoon doesn’t understand why he had declined the offer that that small label back in the days approached him with. 

“Maybe.” Yoongi shrugs. “Do you still think about it?” 

“Sometimes.” Namjoon sighs, “its been a while though.” Its been a lot of what ifs and the realization that the past isn’t something he can change with decisions he makes in the present, since. Not that it would have laid in his hands back in the days anyway. 

Yoongi looks like he wants to say something more, but the crowd beneath them and the overall situation wasn’t the best to do so, not that Namjoon was keen on talking about it at all. Maybe some day he will ask Yoongi again why he has declined that offer and really receive an answer, probably not though.

“Until later.” And just like that Namjoon is alone (as alone one can be in a room full of people) setting up the last things he needs, before the band comes onto the stage. 

Namjoon has to say they are good, really good, he can see why they are loved by so many already, and that they probably will reach even higher and farther when they are able to hold onto their dreams and ambitions. He even catches himself humming along to one of the songs they are performing, the tune more rock than pop, the edges rough and the lyrics a tad bit deeper than their normal happy tunes.  

1792 Days

Namjoon tries to navigate his way through the many hallways of the company building, due to all the schedules abroad he hadn’t had the time to familiarize himself with it. All he can tell is that since he first stepped into this building around a month ago they haven’t gotten richer on art on their walls, but at least there are more people around this time. Staff he has seen already, some of them he has talked with and probably heard gossip about most of the ones that are still nameless in his mind. 

Yoongi has wanted him to come over today, to take some pictures of the band while they practice, saying that it would be nice for the fans when they can see some of the behind process that gets revealed in just five years, next to the things around the single and the album that are getting revealed these days.

He wasn’t complaining, it made him go outside when he wouldn’t have probably done so on his own. It was pouring outside, the sky so gray that one could think the night came early or the world was about to go down, depends on the level of drama one wants to go with. 

The song that he has heard about a dozen of times at this point alone reaches his ears after he takes yet another turn, the notes fizzle out to be replaced by another song, one that was new for Namjoon, and stopped before it has really begun, to be replaced by a cheery voice that has Namjoon halt in his tracks in the middle of the doorway. 

“You did good, but you performed the song so often now it would have been unpleasant wouldn’t every step be in place.”

“Does this mean you’re going easy on us today?” Taehyung groans, laying in the middle of the big practice room floor, all limbs stretched out. Jeongguk and Jimin aren’t sitting far away from him, just Seokjin was sitting hunched over on a chair standing at the wall across from him, sipping on a water bottle while chatting with Yoongi who was standing next to him. 

Namjoon wonders if it would be alright if he would just turn around and go home again, but then he had promised Yoongi that he would do that today, he would have just liked a heads up. A warning of some sorts maybe. 

So, instead of running away he slips into the room, greeting the handful of staff silently, that is bundled around an audio system. He concentrates more than he would need to on pulling his camera out, following the banter that washes over his head. 

“Come on now, Taehyung-ah.” Through his lens Namjoon sees Hoseok stand above the younger, a hand stretched out, a heart shaped smile bright on his face, while his eyes convey more how serious he is about wanting Taehyung to get up. 

“Just when you promise that we will take it slow today Hyung.” Namjoon clicks a picture of Taehyungs puppy eyes, that did seem to be able to soften Hoseoks stance at least a little bit.

“I don’t think I can do that, your album will be released soon. You can’t practice to such lengths when you’re already on tour.” Hoseok tuts, his hands find their way into his hips, but there is still softness woven into his features. 

Namjoon takes a photo, catching the bands reflection in the mirror wall, just like they have been when Namjoon made his way over, with Taehyung pleading Hoseok, Jeongguk and Jimin sitting close, just Seokjin wasn’t sitting down anymore, instead he made his way over to where Taehyung lies on the floor. 

“Come on Tae, the sooner we are over with practice the sooner we can do something else.” 

“But Hyung!” Taehyung tries his puppy eyes at him as well, but to no avail, all he receives is a smile. 

“No buts. Just because you’re going to lazily lie around later doesn’t mean we all are able to do so.”

“Another date I see!” Taehyung seems to have forgotten about his bargaining when he jumps to his feet the next second, bouncing with excitement. Namjoon wonders what the fans would assume they talked about for the changes of emotions, maybe he will get to know it someday.

“Aw!” Jimin now jumps up as well, dragging Jeongguk along, “I hope you will tell us who you’re seeing soon.” 

“You all are way too nosy.” Seokjin shakes his head. 

“We are just worried and protective of you Hyung!” Jeongguk says, looping an arm around Seokjins shoulders. 

“But, we are also nosy!” 

After that they resume to their practice, which Namjoon enjoys behind the lens of his camera, the shutter wasn’t hear-able over the loud music, but he was feeling it anyway, it gave him enough security, even when Yoongi spots him, just slightly somewhat of guilt in his eyes, next to the shock. Drowning in his work even has him drown out Hoseoks small shocked expression when he spots him as well, when he, at some point, comes over to change the song. 

When the practice is officially over for the day, Namjoon tries to be out with the other staff that was trying to get out of the door as fast as they can, either to get to another thing they have to do, or to go home after a long day of work. Namjoon wonders if it happened to stop pouring or if he will be soaked to the bones as soon as he steps outside. 

“Namjoon!” He was almost out the door when Yoongi calls out his name, he doesn’t want to stop, knowing that Hoseok was still behind him and given that it will provoke a confrontation of some sort that he doesn’t feel ready for, but he stops anyway. 

“Hyung?” He spins around, his eyes traveling over the band that is packing their things together, over Hoseok who was slowly, almost unsure, coming up behind their Hyung, before they focus on Yoongi who wasn’t looking like he still knows what he wanted to say when he had called out to him. 

“What are you doing here?”

“What do you mean? You asked me to make photos of todays practice?” Hoseok comes to a halt next to Yoongi right then. 

“No, I didn’t.” 

“Then who wrote a message from your phone to me, asking me to be here?” Yoongi shrugs looking a bit lost when he looks around frowning, thats when his eyes catch Hoseoks. 

“I didn’t know you’re back in Seoul.” Hoseok says then, changing the topic. 

“We aren’t really on speaking terms.” Namjoon knows he sounds harsh while he is slightly surprised that Yoongi hasn’t told him about it yet. The two have always been closer, have always been close enough to speak about secrets and stuff that aren’t told to everybody. 

Hoseok sighs, his arms crossing in front of his chest, “I guess we aren’t.” 

It has been way over a year since their fight, their fall out, Namjoon now knows that he should have listened to Hoseok, at least in some regards, but back then he has been way too light hearted, too trusting in his own abilities and in humanity, today he is too broken and stupid to make the first step towards the older. They have both been wrong, Namjoon probably more than Hoseok, it has been nasty, not even Yoongi could make them work it out before Namjoon left Seoul shortly after. 

“This is messy.” He hears Yoongi mumble. Namjoon isn’t stupid, Yoongi hasn’t told him about Hoseok working here as well, because he knows Namjoon wouldn’t have said yes at all. He can see that he tries to find a solution that isn’t just for Namjoon, but for Hoseok as well, who is turning around to face Yoongi now, visibly irritated. 

“Why didn’t you tell me you hired Namjoon as the new photographer?” There is anger thick in Hoseok voice, if it is because he didn’t know or because of Namjoon being here altogether he can’t say. 

“For you to try to talk me out of it?” Yoongi pushes his arms into the air, frustrated.  

“Oh look at that, I didn’t know you two know each other!” Somehow Seokjin appears next to him, the rest of the band already gone to wherever they need to be, Seokjin should be gone as well, doesn’t he have a date?

“We do.”
“We did.” 

Even when Namjoon wouldn’t be too stupid to make the first step, it perhaps is already way too late to do that anyway. 

“Yeah, the icy atmosphere around here isn’t to be mistaken.” Seokjin shudders like the temperature around them really did drop, which it didn’t. 

“But I need to kidnap Namjoon quickly, I have something to talk with him before I’m off to my date.” The older grips his arm, already pulling him away, “see you!”

And just like that Namjoon finds himself back in the hallways, walking slightly behind Seokjin. 

“Thank you, I guess.” 

“Don’t thank me too much Namjoon-ssi. I pulled you away from that just because I really have no time, but I wanted to see if you’re still willing to let me see what you did until now. Not tonight, obviously, but maybe next Monday, I have a free afternoon then.” 

They stop just briefly at the front door, behind it, it was still pouring, luckily his camera was sealed in a waterproof bag. 

“Sure.” He shrugs. 

“Alright, I will tell you where you can find me then!” And just like that Seokjin was out of the building, into the rain and then inside a car that obviously was waiting for him. 

1787 Days

The café Seokjin wants to meet him at, was slightly buzzing with people around, getting a coffee and chatting with friends, some staring into their phones or laptops concentrated on whatever work they have to do. 

Namjoon was early, more than half an hour early to the time they have agreed on, but he uses it to answer some emails he has mostly ignored while drinking the coffee he has ordered. When there aren’t any more emails he could have answered, Namjoon opens the album of photos that will be relevant for today.

Normally, with all the work he does, he sorts them into different folders, never deleting something but pulling them away from each other to disclose which are most likely to get chosen in the end. But with this one Namjoon can already see that it will most likely become chaotic, even when he sorts through them regularly.

It already has his head pounding slightly, it could be the weather as well that was changing up what feels like every hour these days. 

“I see you’re early.” His head snaps up when he hears Seokjin, a chair scraps over the floor before the other lets himself fall onto it. 

“You’re early as well.” Namjoon says with a quick look onto the clock on his display. Ten minutes early to be exact. 

“Being late to something when I have control over it makes me nervous.” A coffee gets placed in front of Seokjin, who puts his hands around the mug, light pink sweater paws. 

Namjoon nods in understanding, feeling just slightly awkward. 

“Has Yoongi already seen those photos?” 

“No, we agreed on a three month rhythm.” 

“Thats logical.” Seokjin nods, his eyes wandering around the café, before they settle on Namjoon again. 

Without another word Namjoon turns his laptop around, figuring that it wouldn’t be bad to save them both some time and some of the awkwardness, Seokjin probably has a lot of better things to do.

The older seems surprised, but also slightly pleased when he glances up before diving into the photos Namjoon has taken these past five weeks. He expects questions whenever there is just a slight change in Seokjins posture, when he feels eyes on him while he sips on his coffee and scrolls through his phone just to seem busy enough. 

But Seokjin wasn’t asking any, he was just sitting there for a good fifteen minutes, looking through the photos, before he looks up again. “These are good!”  

The surprise makes Namjoon smile just slightly, “thank you.”

“I guess I overreacted.” Seokjin sighs. “After what happened…” He shakes his head. “Its not like I don’t trust Yoongi, when he told us he hired a friend of his I was relieved.” 

“You don’t have to justify your intentions. I work for you, you, more or less, pay for my work, when you want to see what you’re getting for your money, you want to see it.” He shrugs.

“Ah, that sounds plausible, but I want to say sorry and thank you nonetheless.”  

“Thats nice of you, but really not needed.” Namjoon smiles.

“I hope we will be able to work well together for the remaining time,” Seokjin smiles back at him.

“I hope so too Seokjin-ssi. But like I said I work in the background.” 

“But that doesn’t mean that it needs to stop you from interacting with us.”

“I will try.” Namjoon huffs out a laugh at Seokjins persistence, he doesn’t quite understand why he wants Namjoon to interact more, but he is thankful anyway. 

“But maybe you shouldn’t come over for the dance practices anymore, at least until you and Hoseok have talked about whatever happened between you two.” Seokjin says, sipping on his coffee, the laptop closed in front of him. 

“I have never seen Hoseok like that, he is a fun and bright spirit, but that last week, whatever happened between you…” He shakes his head and Namjoon sighs, he wouldn’t be disclosing that to a stranger. 

“You’re right, it wasn’t pleasant, and I don’t think it will get better soon.” He shrugs again, trying to not be impolite. He is met by a curious glance, but he was just offering silence, saved by a chiming phone that turns out to be Seokjins. 

“It seems like I need to go again. I guess I will see you later this week?” 

“Yeah.” Namjoon nods, watching when Seokjin escapes through the door of the café shortly after. They will hold a release party at the end of the week, before next week the new album comes out for everybody else and after that they are on tour pretty quickly which has Namjoons time booked out pretty well, not that he would have anything else to do anyway. 

He sighs, his coffee has gone cold by now, but he opens his laptop again anyway, just to close the tabs, just to find them already closed, the background he hasn’t changed yet staring at him instead. His heart aches painfully upon seeing it, he really should finally change it. 

He closes his laptop again without doing so. 

1647 Days

Namjoon never thought about how it would be to go on tour, not like that at least. When he was in college, dreaming to be standing on a stage, he has always thought local, always thought small instead of big. 

And when he thought about it, with the idols in mind that he found good, he has never thought it would be this stressful, never even considered it anywhere near it, because they have always seemed to be alright, their best versions of themselves while on the road. 

Now he knows that they are most likely just good to hide their exhaustion as well as (hopefully) being genuinely happy about standing on stage at the end of the day, entertaining their fans and doing what they love. 

In the past few months there has build up some sort of routine. While after the bands new album released they have been on a promotional tour between of concerts through south Korea, before they went further through Asia and over to America where they are right now.

There are free days between the concerts, but they are always packed with travel, radio shows, TV shows, the beginning of a new season they are shooting for a show they have invented at the beginning of their career. These supposedly free days are everything but free, because, even when they seem on lower rates, they are practicing their dancing and singing all the time. 

While Namjoon isn’t around for every one of these activities, he is around for most of them, and while he just is the photographer and not the one who actually has to perform all of these things, he is exhausted, tired, with just looking at them and with how low the rate of hours of sleep is that he is getting overall. 

Their days begin early and end late, he really wonders how the band is doing it, how they can still be this energetic jumping around the small room they have rented for the night, for the staff and them, to celebrate their last concerts in America for a while. 

When everything goes like it is supposed to, they will be on their way to Europe by next evening, which has Namjoon slightly excited, he has never been to Europe until now, and there, at the horizon, are waving two full free days at him, which he plans to use to tour the museums of the next city they are in to his hearts content. 

He yawns, putting his camera down to lean back in his chair instead, its late and he contemplates to already go up to his room early, to sleep out the pleasant buzz the glass of whiskey he has drunken earlier has created in his body. 

His gaze swaps through the room, everywhere was staff scattered, standing or sitting together in small groups, chatting with each other about who knows what, in some corner, at a table where Yoongi and Hoseok are sitting next to each other, their hands brushing between them, beneath the table visible for just those that are looking as intently as Namjoon does. 

And he wonders if they have, over these last two years, talked about these lingering feelings that have already been there when they all have still been in college, probably not, he thinks when he sees them jumping out of their skins when Taehyung joins them at their table. 

He refocuses his attention to where the musician has sat before, now there were just Jimin and Jeongguk, talking about something Namjoon has no clue about but looking like they, like always, are in their own world. 

He wonders where Jin has escaped to, when he packs his things and exits the room quietly. After they have met in that café back then, they do talk, interact with each other more. Mostly between schedules Seokjin would come to him, telling him a new dad joke he has found somewhere, Namjoon has come to know that Seokjin has a liking for those and is actually able to laugh about them. 

Sometimes Seokjin would just sit next to him though, looking over his shoulder or stare at the wall opposite from them, with no words spilled at all. When Namjoon is honest he likes both things, sometimes he even looks forward to these slivers of minutes, they really have the ability to brighten his often just grayish dark days. 

“No!” Namjoon startles when he is walking around a corner to where the elevators are looking around until he finds Seokjin standing not far away from him, on the phone with someone, while looking like his world is crashing down in front of his eyes. 

“What do you mean? You said you’re fine with all this just the last time we called, which was yesterday!”

Namjoon was feeling uncomfortable in his own skin, he shouldn’t be hearing this, but when he is walking further to slip into one of the elevators Seokjin will definitely see him since he is pacing around just a couple of meters away from them. And when he keeps standing here, he will also be seen, it would probably be better to just go back to where he is coming from and wait there for another couple of minutes or so.

“I can’t and I won’t change my life so drastically, just because you’re keep changing your mind. We both knew where we were at when we agreed on trying this relationship thing.” He hears Seokjin say, just when he spins back around to go back. 

“Oh no, please stop this fake crying, you called me to break up in the first place, don’t turn this around now.” Seokjin sighs shortly after, and when Namjoon peeks around the corner, because for some stupid reason he can’t help himself, he could see the older leaning against the wall, eyes closed, shoulders slumped, phone dangling in one of his hands, and when the light wasn’t playing any tricks there were tears running down his cheeks.

Namjoons stomach twists, and while he knows it would probably be better to be gone before Seokjin really spots him, his legs weren’t in the mood to listen when they begin walking, but instead of away from Seokjin, he was walking into his direction, stopping not far from him with no words to say when Seokjin opens his glassy eyes.

“I’m sorry… I… Uhm…” Namjoons hand finds its way into his neck, and he really hopes the heat climbing into his cheeks isn’t showing too much. 

“Its alright Namjoon-ssi.” Seokjin mumbles, trying himself at a smile, while he erases the tears from his cheeks. “Relationships never hold on for long in this industry. I don’t know why I even still try.” 

“I guess its human. In some way we are all longing for a connection with someone else, no matter if romantic or friendship wise.” He shrugs, pulling a tissue from his bag when he luckily finds one, giving it to the older. 

“Thank you.” 

Namjoon nods awkwardly, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. 
“Should I go back and get someone for you?” 

“No,” Seokjin shakes his head, moving to stand upright again. “I think I will just go to my room and sleep it off or something.” He begins walking towards the elevators, looking over his shoulder when Namjoon wasn’t following, still not sure about the whole situation. 

“Come on. You wanted to leave the party early didn’t you?” And just like that, slightly nodding, he follows him with large steps, sighing silently as soon as he is in the elevator, leaning against one of the walls. 

“How are you and your partner managing the physical distance between you two, since you’re away on tour with us?” Seokjin stares ahead of them, captured in his own thoughts.

“My partner?” Namjoon blinks at Seokjin just a little bit irritated. 

“Oh, uhm, I thought… I just have seen that photo that one time and assumed… I’m sorry.” Seokjin stutters when the elevator opens its doors with a soft ping, announcing that they have reached their floor, looking irritated and embarrassed when he spares Namjoon a quick glance over his shoulder. 

Namjoon feels slightly guilty seeing the older like this. “Don’t be, I should have changed it a long time ago I guess.” He shrugs.

“He must have been someone special then, when you’re broken up but still not over it.” Its mumbled, quiet, it wasn’t said to be captured by his ears, he finds himself answering it anyway, which he is surprised about himself. 

“He was.” He hears how broken he still sounds, talking about him, how much pain there still was, but then he was never talking about it in the first place, there usually is no way for the pain to escape, “sadly he got taken from this world way too early.” 

“I’m so sorry.” Seokjin looks at him in shock, stopping in his tracks halfway down the hallway.  

“Its alright I guess.” Namjoon shrugs, trying himself at a smile, knowing that it must look more like a grimace. “Its been almost a year since.” 

“Time doesn’t matter while grieving.” Seokjin shakes his head. 

“I think I have some Soju in my room, I could use a drink and you look like you could too.” Its an offer Namjoon isn’t sure he should take, but he does need another drink and not being alone right now, sounds better than anything with the turn their conversation just took, so he nods, following Seokjin to his room. 

When he sips on his drink a few minutes later, listening to Seokjin alternating talk about Europe and what he wants to do while there for the next month and a half and ranting about his now ex boyfriend, Namjoon feels the pain that was clinging onto him, grip a little less hard, who knows, maybe he is healing somehow after all.

1602 Days

“I noticed you and Seokjin spending a lot of time together in Europe.” Yoongi was sitting opposite from him, looking busy behind his laptop, just barely glancing up when Namjoon closes the door behind him.

“And?” Namjoon, who has contemplated sitting down, leans against the wall next to the desk instead. They have arrived back home in Seoul just this morning, to say he is tired and jet-lagged would be an understatement. All he wants to do is go home and take the days off everyone in the team and the band has gotten granted. 

But instead of going from the airport directly home, Yoongi had asked him to stop by and meet him at the company, so here he is wondering what all this will be about, that couldn’t have waited some more days. 

“You’re not screwing around with him, are you?”

That has Namjoon barking out a laugh.
“You think we are screwing around because we have visited a couple of museums together? Hyung please, Seokjin and I just get along well, but that doesn’t mean we are sleeping with each other, you should know me at least a little bit better.” 

“I don’t know anymore Joon-ah, you have become so distant.” Yoongi shakes his head, leaning back in his chair, hands finally slipping away from his keyboard.

“Its not like either of us has done anything to prevent that.” Namjoon sighs, rubbing a hand over his face, the accusation hurts just a little bit, he understands somehow where this is coming from, a place of worry, but it hurts anyway. 

The two of them did talk more these past few months than they did in the whole year before Yoongi has gotten him this job, but it is mostly work related, and when it is not Hoseok was sometimes coming along which makes Namjoon withdraw from the icy situation rather sooner than later. He knows that Yoongi, in those situations was lying to them both to make them come along in the first place, which puts a strain on their friendship additionally.

Yoongi sighs, probably thinking about the same thing, “when you two just…”

“It won’t happen like that Hyung.” Namjoon stands up, shaking his head, “when there is nothing else, I’d like to go home now, I’m really tired.” He sighs. Patting his pockets to produce a USB stick that he puts down on the desk. 

“The photos of these past months.” When Yoongi doesn’t say anything afterwards, just looking defeated, Namjoon turns around to be on his way. When he stands in the doorway though, he turns around one last time, “maybe we can catch up over a coffee or something soon.”   

1497 Days

It has gotten cold outside, the first snow has already fallen and everyone around Namjoon seems to be in holiday mood, Christmas isn’t far anymore and Namjoon himself looks forward to spend a couple of days with his family, before he goes back home to do nothing more than sleep the stress out and read a book or two. 

The band will be on holidays as well as everyone else this year, at least from their department. Which makes everyone excited for this last schedule of the year, which is a photo shoot and a dinner with everyone afterwards. 

Namjoon has come in early, because he and Yoongi try to be more present in their friendship these days, catching up regularly, even when they hold their conversations always as light as possible, never dipping into something too deep. Namjoon also is relieved that Yoongi seemed to have stopped trying to get Hoseok to come along to forcefully make them make up with each other. 

He can see that Yoongi still doesn’t like it, but at least he tries and tolerates the cold silence between the former friends.

“Namjoon-ah! You’re early today.” Jin says when he spots him as soon as Namjoon enters the hall the photoshoot will be held at. Already dressed in his first outfit of the day. He guesses he isn’t that early at all, given how his surroundings are buzzing with people and their holiday anticipating energy. 

The youngest members of the band are joking around, running and jumping like they are hyperactive kids, in the almost year Namjoon now works with the band he has learned that they are seemingly always buzzing with energy, ready and willing to keep their spirits up all day and night. Its refreshing and tiring to watch them at the same time. 

“Not as early as it seems Hyung.” He smiles lazily at the older. 

“Still early enough to see Yoongi and the director-nim pull their hair, seems like something went wrong before the day even fully begun.” Seokjin chuckles slightly nodding into their direction. Yoongi indeed looks a lot more stressed than he did a couple of hours ago when he has last seen him. 

“Did you do something?” Namjoon asks in a whisper, knowing that Seokjin sometimes likes to cause mischief especially when he thinks they all deserve a free time slot that isn’t originally planned. 

“No!” The older shakes his head. “At least not this time.” 

“Joon-ah! You’re here!” Yoongi sounds relieved when he spots him. 

“The photographer just called in ill, could you perhaps jump in?” His Hyung looks pleading, like this is his only available option. 

“I don’t know Hyung, its not really my domain.” 

“But you have experience, please! Its almost Christmas, we won’t be able to get someone else on such short notice and we aren’t able to reschedule either.” The director in the background grumbles, he has never seemed to be communicative much.      

“Please Joon-ah, the photos you usually take are so good, how much of a difference could this be?” Seokjin chimes in, looking at him pleadingly, his eyes big, lips slightly pouty and Namjoon feels himself melt a little, nodding before he can think about it some more. 

Chapter Text

1450 Days

Jin claps his hands for what feels like the hundredth time this evening. Its award show season and today marks probably one of the longest and most boring events they have gone to in the past month alone.

Its getting not just on his nerves but also on the bands nerves, who aren’t even trying to conceal their boredom anymore, but then, when you’re looking closely at all the idols around, no one seems to be elated to be here anymore anyway. 

They have reached overtime two hours ago already, where this show should have ended, it seemed to barely pick up in speed, multiple inconveniences have pulled the time, which Jin understands can happen, but that doesn’t make the situation better over all. 

He sighs, would they have had a choice, they would have decided against this award show madness in less than a heartbeat, instead they could have done something else, a live for their fans only, a small concert, a fan meeting, just something different. But the company they are under for a little over a year now demanded them to attend all of these award shows, even when they are just rumored to be able to go up those stairs to receive one such award. 

When they still were on their own, making music in his parents house basement they didn’t spend many thoughts on these events, all they always wanted was to continue make their music as free from any shackles as they were back then. While they hoped to see their songs on the charts, they didn’t really count on making it this far. 

When they first signed with a fairly small and new coming company, they for the first time in their whole career, experienced the music industry and how dark and shitty it really is. 

That small company though, ran bankrupt at some point though, due to some shady business of the chairman, which isn’t something unusual in the industry, bigger companies often are just way better to hide it. They have more money, more influence and power. 

After that, they signed with the company they are under right now after discussing it a lot and over a couple of weeks, with their lawyer and the company, the band itself and some of their staff that would have been without a workplace when they couldn’t come with them. 

In the end there have been a lot of things that made them agree to the contract (after some changes they all could agree upon), but just that had them stuck here for at least another couple of hours. 

Next to him at the table Taehyung was sitting, bobbing his head to some song of a girl group that currently is performing, Jin wasn’t sure if he has already heard the song, probably in the hallways of their company, or when he was listening to the radio while they are driving somewhere, surely not when at home, since it isn’t quite his taste, even when he can see (hear) why it would be popular. 

Jimin and Jeongguk, who doesn’t seem to have a big problem of staying in their own world, a place where they are usually to be met when around each other, are building a tower of empty bottles that are threatening to collapse every moment, drawing chaos and some bored but judging gazes from the people around them. 

He lets his own gaze swap further, through the mass of fans of the various groups holding banners, screaming their names, the idols, the staff flitting around trying to pull of the remaining show as smooth as possible. Jin tries to catch sight of people he maybe knows but in the whirl of colours and faces that is almost impossible. 

After another half an hour he discreetly stands up to go to the restroom, sneaking in a much needed breather leaning in a temporarily empty hallway he has spotted. His craved silence wasn’t granted for longer than a few seconds though, pulling a sigh from him when he hears heavy feet approach. 

“Hyung?” 

“Namjoon-ah?” He blinks up to the younger, who, dressed in a simple suit the bag with his camera like usual hanging from his shoulder, stands just a meter away from him. 

Has it been a year already, since he began working for them? Probably. Jin had been weary about their teams new addition back then, but the more time ran down the drain, the simpler it had become, the more Namjoon has proven himself and his trust worthy words. 

In the last few months Namjoon seems to have come out of his shell a little bit more, he still is quiet most of the time, in the background of every scene, a silent observer, his eyes are still somewhat dull, but sometimes Jin imagines he can see them shine, these days he thinks Namjoon smiles more, which makes these dimples appear that Jin silently adores and fawns over. 

“I saw you fleeing the scene and thought I should check up on you.” A faint red tint appears on Namjoons cheeks which has Seokjins heart flutter, it could be the sound of applause and the beginning buzzing of hectic people though that is causing that reaction, thats more plausible. 

“Thats nice of you. I just needed a moment.” 

“Understandable.”

“Are you heading home? You probably don’t have much to do.” Seokjin is just a little jealous. 

“I thought about it, yeah.” Namjoon nods, looking apologetic which makes Jin smile brightly. 

“Then I hope the rest of your night is better than this.” He grabs him at his arm, just slightly, to convey that it is alright and that he doesn’t have to be apologetic. It works. 

It hasn’t been that long since Namjoon took the invite to call him Hyung serious, neither is the skin ship between them, that often is just Jin, trying and needing some of the stability it gives him. Namjoon sometimes though leans into him, on some occasions he is even the one initiating it. 

Seokjin thinks the younger is lonely, he doesn’t know much about his past, just that his last boyfriend unfortunately died, that he is friends with Yoongi, even when estranged, and that he had been friends with Hobi at some point of their lives. He doesn’t dare to ask any of them what happened, looking at it, it wasn’t really his business. 

He makes an effort to invite him to their outings as often as he can, not just because he thinks he is lonely, but because he genuinely enjoys his company.

1430 Days

“Hyung!” 

“No!”Jin shakes his head, arms crossed in front of his chest, trying to come across stern, even when the puppy eyes of not just one but all three of his band members are attacking him in the middle of his own living room. 

They have some days of free time after working continuously without a break for the past weeks, and he invited them over after they had pleaded him to hang out in their group chat. 

He should have seen that it is to drag him out instead of the promised night in, with movies and fast food and some cuddles, maybe even some games would they feel up to it. They obviously don’t feel up to it, given that they have arrived at his, ready to take over the night, dressed in their best party wear, implying that they rather go into their favorite and most trusted club the blue side. A place where privacy is their highest promise, which makes it attractive for a lot of people.

“We agreed on a night in, not a night out!” Jin knows he is pouting right now, but how couldn’t he, they betrayed him and now he is standing here in his living room in his pajamas ready to hop back onto his sofa to watch the newest marvel movie and eat the ice cream he was anticipating to eat the whole day now.

But the more he is faced with three pairs of puppy eyes he sees his cozy plans go down the drain.
“How about we stay in tomorrow?” Jimin blinks, pouting like Jin had forbidden him his favorite candy. 

“You just would stay in tomorrow because you probably will he hungover!”Jin turns around to instead plop demonstratively down on his sofa, draping one of his soft blankets over his legs.

“Come on Hyung! Please.” Jeongguk falls onto the sofa next to him, looking all like the puppy that he is. 

“No. I don’t want to go out today.” Jin sighs, shaking his head again. 

“Have you even left your apartment once since Monday?” 

“No, and I want to keep it like that until we have to go back to work again.” He brings his hands up to let them go softly through Jeongguks hair, who, instead of pouting that he has destroyed it, leans into the touch. 

“You three go out, you can crash here though. Hyung will even make Hangover soup, but I won’t come out with you.” His apartment is the closest to their favorite club, it just makes sense when he lets them crash here, as well as it gives him a calm mind to know that they are save when intoxicated. 

He can see that they want to protest, want to try and make him change his mind a bit more, but in the end they nod, changing the topic to something completely different until they are out of his door again around half an hour later, promising to find their way back here just like they always do. 

When it is quiet again, Jin puts on some music, preparing his guest bedroom that probably just Jimin and Jeongguk will use with Taehyung becoming even more cuddly while drunk, normally ending up sleeping next to Jin.

He orders the ingredients he needs for the promised Hangover soup, even preparing what he can prepare while watching a Disney movie instead of the marvel one, luckily his kitchen and living room concept is an open one. 

After some time, after he has settled on his sofa again, cuddling into the cushions and blankets, lights dimmed and ice cream eaten, his phone pings with a multitude of photos from his band mates, dancing and drinking and laughing around, having a good time. The texts that are coming through are slurred, but bringing the point across that they are on their way back. Its already after midnight anyway.    

Jin wakes up by suffocating warmth blanketing him, Taehyung hugging him like a koala, while softly snoring into his ear. It must be early still, through his closed curtains he can’t see how far along the sun already is, or if she is up at all. And his phone lays out of his reach on his nightstand. 

The apartment behind his closed bedroom door sounds still quiet, he thinks about going back to sleep for a little while longer, but his mind is already too awake to accept his attempts and when his stomach begins to grumble he simply gives up. 

Pulling himself out of the grip Taehyung has on him is a slight struggle but in the end he succeeds, closing the bedroom door behind him again not much later. 

According to his phone its just barely around 10 and for some reason he has a handful more unread messages than usual. One is from Yoongi, reminding him of their planed fishing trip tomorrow, another one is from his brother, one from his mother, asking if he is alright and if she can send him some of her kimchi which he gladly says yes to. 

When he reaches the last unread message, he feels the hunger slip away in an instant. Its nothing more than an unknown number with some photos attached. 

He grimaces, knowing very well who was behind this and what they intend to do, sadly they succeed to some extend. Jin sighs, refraining from answering, instead putting his phone away again, making a mental note to speak to Yoongi about it tomorrow. 

Staring into the abyss for some time, thoughts running against the walls until he has enough, pulling himself out of it, putting on something on the TV simply for background noise, while he begins to cook, snacking something here and there to quiet his still grumbling stomach.   

“Hyung.” Its Jeongguk who is the first one awake, or barely when him back hugging while eyes still closed is anything to go by.  

“Headache?” He asks in a low whisper, receiving a grunt. “Did you take the pill I left on the bedside table?” 

He receives a nod, followed by a whine.

“Then sit down food is almost ready.”

When the soup was ready half an hour later, the other two have found their way from the beds to the sofa, all of them cuddling, barely detangling enough when slurping the soup, but Jin wouldn't have it any other way. 

They don’t do much the whole day, just lazying around and watching movies, eating snacks and ordering take out for dinner. 

Its a day how he likes it, a day that eases his mind, something he thinks not just he but they all needed for a while now.

1400 Days

His gaze sweeps out of the window behind a couple of heads of their staff that are sitting with them at the table, going through this meeting for hours on end now, it must be after lunch time by now, but all these points on that list on the table seem to not get made, instead they are hung up on something that has been decided months ago already. 

The clock above the door is ticking, but showing the wrong time, she must have given up around the morning hours. Probably just as tired about the same topic all over again as he and the others are. 

Jin eyes the empty plates where snacks have been provided on, but got eaten already, and the empty bottles that usually provide all of them with water.

“We really shouldn’t use these photos, they are alright but not quite what we were opting for.” One of the head staff says, again, sounding like a broken record at this time. When Jin meets Taehyungs eyes, the younger rolls them and he feels the rest of his patience slip.

“The photos are good, haven’t you been the one who has been raving about them until you learned that your favorite photographer hasn’t been the one who made them?” Jin sighs, he is tired and hungry, just like everyone else and the appointments he had to push back just because of the time this meeting has already consumed isn’t sitting right with him. Especially when it has no solid reason but a petty one. 

“The photos are right in the concept we are going for next. There is nothing wrong with that and no one here has time to schedule multiple days to repeat making them, choosing and editing them. When I’m not mistaken they are due to go out in two weeks. The band has a lot to do and when you’re not able to produce more time out of nowhere I guess there is no way around for you to get what you want. Should you still be pissed about it I guess we will see each other at big bosses office, but I go eat something now.” 

Its quiet when he stands up, even the clock has stopped its ticking, Yoongi and the others are looking at him with wide eyes. Normally Jin would just sit here and listen and put some input into the topics whenever he sees fit. And while he has spoken calmly its unusual for him to go off like that. 

He nods at the people once before he makes his way over to the door, ignoring the increasing angry red on the head staffs face. Other chairs are scraping over the floor now, three additional pair of feet following him out, leaving the door open, just when they are in the elevator together he looks at his friends though. 

“Whats going on Hyung?” Jimin is the first one to ask, breaking the silence.

“Nothing. I’m just tired.” 

“Is it Lee-Hyun?” Taehyung wants to know, drawing nothing more than a sigh out of Jin, even hearing that name makes all energy he has left drain from him. 

“I thought he vanished after you two broke up?” 

“Or is it Yejun?” Jeongguk now asks frowning and glaring, “I think I have seen a message under his name the other day when I was looking something up on your phone.” 

“Its nothing, really. I’m just tired and hungry.” He sighs, even when they are right to assume that these two mentioned people have something to do with his terrible mood. But it is nothing he wants to talk about right now, nor is it something where more can be done against it at this point. He has already done what is necessary, he has informed his boss, even informed the authorities and a lawyer, but it all is pending, and his ex is blocked after making stupid and unreasonable demands, again. 

“We are here when you want to talk.” Jimin says softly when the elevator opens its doors on the ground level.  

1385 Days

The wind is biting and cold when meeting his skin, nothing is left from the almost summer like warmth it had been that past weekend. Instead of a blue, cloudless sky he is met with grayness, howling wind and the promise of rain. 

Jin wasn’t planning on staying up here on the rooftop for long enough to witness the rain start to pour down on the city. He just has half an hour left of his break and the clouds, while gray, aren’t that dark yet.

He sometimes comes up here, on the rooftop, when he needs a breather, when he needs the wind to clear his head. 

Its a good hiding place, beautiful as well, even in bad weather and dimmed sunlight, the look above the city, or at least this part of it, marvelous.   
The rooftop has potential to become a lounging space, but the company doesn’t seem to want to transform it into one, which Jin is slightly grateful for, since it lets him keep his hiding space, but maybe he should bring a chair the next time. 

He sighs deeply when he sinks against the thin railing, leaning on his arms while looking onto the street beneath him, the people walking there looking small like ants coming and going to work, clothed in dark colours, mirroring the mood of the day. 

The noise of the roaring engines of the cars driving around was just distantly reaching his ears, after he has put up with way too loud music all morning he was glad to give his ears a break though. 

He closes his eyes for just a brief moment, concentrating on his breathing while trying to calm his mind, the thoughts that are running mer miles per hour for weeks now, the worry that keeps clinging, the slight fear that was trying to embrace him and that he pushes as far back as he can, all of it has him sleepless at night and without any energy left to go through the day everyday. 

But there is nothing he can do other than suck it up and sit still in hopes the people who are hired to deal with the issues are doing exactly that, but whenever he hears back from them or from Yoongi it always seem to be bad news, which naturally affects his mood. 

He had thought of confiding in his friends, but he doesn’t want to drag them into all of this when it isn’t absolutely necessary, since it would affect them greatly as well and it is enough when there is just one of them suffering from a bad mood.   

His hands rub over his face before he remembers that he is wearing make-up today, simply to cover up the bags under his eyes. Any other day he wouldn’t care, but there is an event later that he needs to look presentable for. 

The door somewhere in his back crashes close with the next impact of wind that was hitting him, the loud noise has him stumbling back from the railing, blinking his eyes open again. 

Jin expected to find the door closed, the noise was a good indicative, but he didn’t expect to come face to face with Namjoon, who looks at him like a deer caught in headlights. The younger was fumbling with his camera, deep dark bags under his eyes that aren’t covered up like his own, looking stressed and exhausted for reasons Jin doesn’t know. 

Its been a couple of days since he has seen Namjoon, Yoongi had told him that the photojournalist has taken the week off from work, seeing him in front of him now surprises him. 

“Namjoon-ah!” He breathes, finding himself not really caring about the fact that his hiding place, wasn’t his own anymore. 

“Jin Hyung, I… Uhm…” Namjoon shakes his head before avoiding his eyes, stepping back slightly, “I’m sorry, I thought I would be alone here, but uhm, I will go find another places. I’m sorry Hyung.” Namjoon spins around, stumbling slightly over his own feet, loosing balance. 

Jin reaches out before he can think about it, getting a grip on Namjoons hoodie, holding him until the younger finds his balance again. Even from behind he can see the tips of the youngers ears become red.

“Careful Joon-ah.” He says softly before letting the fabric go. “I don’t mind sharing this space with you.” 

He lets everything else open for interpretation, figuring that Namjoon will decide whatever he wants best for himself. But really, Jin, even though he craved silence and solitude not even twenty minutes ago, he doesn’t mind Namjoon being around now, even finds it wildly comforting in an irritating manner Seokjin wasn’t going to spend a thought more about than needed, figuring that the growing friendship between them was exactly that: growing.

He steps back until he leans against the railing again, giving his wrist watch a quick glance, he has twenty minutes left of his break. Down on the ground nothing has changed in the couple of minutes he has been distracted, still people running from one point to another, without sparing their surroundings more than a glance, mostly focused on their phones, always busy, even during their breaks. 

In his peripheral vision he sees Namjoon, how he leans against the railing next to him, camera in hand, which makes Jin’s stomach clench uncomfortably, considering Namjoons usual clumsiness, and while he doesn’t know much about cameras he doesn’t need to, to know that it would be a loss of mere thousands of won, should Namjoon for whatever reasons lose his grip on it. 

Namjoon brinks it up to his eyes, clicking one photo, and another, and another, and Seokjin wonders if the world looks different through the lens of a camera, or if it just brings out the reality more, without filter, without being edited, just the moment, plain, frozen for the foreseeable future. 

A big part wants to ask what the younger is doing here when he has supposedly taken the week off, but he doesn’t do so, instead he watches the wind go through Namjoons dark hair, looks at the deep frown, the slight pout pulled on his lips, like he doesn’t quite like what he just captured. 

Somewhere on the street someone leans onto their car horn, the blare pulling Seokjins attention away, probably better since it was kind of easy to get lost in the youngers side profile. 

They are lost in silence, comfortable, to be not quite as alone as they wished to be in the beginning. Going after their own thoughts, running to hide from their own worries, they don’t say a single word. Seokjin focuses on the world in front of him, just sometimes getting pulled out of it when Namjoon moves a bit too much, but never really looking at him, just letting him do his thing, letting him look onto the world through his camera. 

When he leaves the younger alone again, his break is over, he does so with a calmer but heavy heart since he doesn’t really want to leave the calm moment behind he just experienced. His thoughts are calmer, at least as much as it can be these days, even a small smile pulls the corners of his mouth upwards. It was just what he has needed. 

It was the middle of the night when his phone pinged with an incoming message, he was about to go to bed, contemplating if he should check it or push it to the morning. When he sees it is from Namjoon he opens it, just to break out into a bright smile. 

It was a photo, nothing more, no message, no explanation. Just a black and white and gray photo of himself looking over the city one last time before going back inside the building. 

It is soft in his heaviness, he can almost smell the rain anticipating air he has breathed in just hours ago. 

1359 Days

Jeongguk hangs onto his shoulders while they walk through the company hallways to where they are expected at practice in less than five minutes. 

“You promised Hyung!” The youngest whines into his ear. 

“You haven’t been out with us in months!”

“I’m just not in the mood these days guys.” He sighs, swaying in his steps with the additional weight on his shoulders. 

“But Hyung, its not the same when you’re not with us!” Taehyung complaints. While Seokjin doesn’t thinks its quite the truth, since the three seem to be able just fine to go clubbing and have fun without him, he sighs deeply, exasperated. 

Its true, he has promised them he would go out with them the next time, after they have pleaded him for weeks on end, but with their busy schedule he hasn’t thought they would find the time and energy to go out so soon again. He probably should have thought about them finding the time for it anyway.

He looks slightly to his side where the other two are walking. They try to hide it, they are pretty good at it, but Seokjin knows them long enough to see the worry and the slight disappointment on their faces and their eyes. 

Its just one night, he thinks, how bad could it be? A bit of distraction should be allowed. 

So he nods right when they walk through the door into the practice room, where a handful of staff and Hobi are already waiting for them. 

“Fine, but I can’t promise that I will stay for long!” 

“You don’t have to, Hyung.” Jeongguk hugs him tighter from behind while Taehyung almost beams in anticipation. Jimins hand on his arm grabs him with reassurance a bright smile on his face as well.

“Are you four ready for practice?” Hobi comes over hugging them one by one, radiating sunshine and discipline.

Seokjin feels different in his own skin, probably because he wears tight black jeans and a shirt that shows more skin than he would normally prefer instead of his pajamas.
He feels like too many gazes get stuck at him while looking around the already cramped room, even in the VIP lounge they have found a table in for themselves, just for the beginning of their night, until they will hit the dance floor, to warm up to the space and drink some alcohol to loosen up. 

The music is good, he feels his leg go up and down to the beat, feeling the bass brim in his veins, under his skin, goosebumps erupting, feeling pleasantly already. They haven’t been here for long, but for long enough to have knocked down a couple of shots that one of the younger have ordered, now everyone is nursing their long drinks though. 

“I think I have seen Minseok.” Taehyung says with a shudder, leaning against Hoseok like he could hide him away. 

“I thought you two are still on talking terms?” Seokjin asks, taking another sip from his bright pink, almost too sweet drink.

“Doesn’t mean its pleasant running into him.” Another shudder rakes the youngers body, his eyes are wide, scanning the dance floor beneath them. Seokjin does the same, catching sight of Taehyungs ex pretty quickly. Somehow the man was standing out, probably just because he is a known face amongst all the other nameless ones down there with him. 

Minseok was dancing closely with a woman, it was obvious that they know each other more than just platonic-ally.

“Is that Minseo?” Jimin asks, leaning over Seokjins shoulder to take a better look at the couple on the dance floor. 

“Didn’t he tell you back then not to worry about her?” Jeongguk pulls their attention back to the table, back to Taehyung who slumps further against Hoseok, who has an arm slung around the youngers waist almost protectively. 

“He did, but that has been years ago.” Taehyung shrugs, like it really hasn’t been that wild, but everyone at this table knows that it, in fact, very much has been that wild. Luckily Taehyung is a lot happier than he was back then, healed and with a crush on Hoseok and Yoongi he talks about only when he is drunk. 

Seokjin sometimes wonders about it, the obliviousness of all three of them, or if it is just a play of uncertainties. He shakes his head, it isn’t his cup of tea as long as neither of them really wants to talk about it and as long as it doesn’t interfere with all of their friendship and work. They are all adults, able to figure it out on their own, at least he hopes so. 

Their conversations drift away from past and present relationships then, they drink a couple of more shots and Seokjin finds himself enjoying the night more than he expected. The alcohol makes his blood buzz and his mind comfortably dizzy, just the right amount of relaxed.

“You really used to rap?” Jeongguk laughs bright bunny smile and scrunched nose, endearingly tipsy.

“I did. When we were still in college there has been this sort of underground rap battle thingy near the town hall once a month. Its always been funny, but it turned out pretty serious very quickly. Yoongi Hyung has always been amazing, even produced a lot of beats for the event. And Namjoon, he is or at least was such an amazing lyricist.”

“You were in a rap crew with Yoongi Hyung and Namjoon Hyung?” Taehyung looks at their friend with wide eyes, probably no one expected to hear this, at least not over Namjoon who they still don’t know that much about. 

“Yeah, it has been a long time ago though,” Hoseok nods, shaking with his own laughter. Jin can’t remember how their conversations took such a turn, but his intoxicated mind is happy to learn something new about their friends. “But everything else you must ask the too. But don’t expect many answers, its sort of a sore topic for both.” 

Hoseoks eyes become distant for a moment while he sips his drink. “Come on, lets go dance,” He giggles though when the empty glass hits the table and he gets up on surprisingly steady feet, dragging Taehyung along with him. 

A bit later Seokjin gets dragged to the dance floor, there are even more people around now, but he finds himself not caring that much when he gets pulled into the masses by his friends, dancing to their hearts contents. Thanks to their constant dance practices they have some moves in their back pockets that attracts not just one pair of eyes.

Its genuine fun and he shakes his head about himself, since he has made himself avoid having fun and letting loose like this with his friends for way too long now. 

After some time, Jin has already lost all sense of it with one song neatly going over into another and the still peasant buzz in his body, he excuses himself to get something to drink for himself, the others declining his offer to get them something too.

He pushes through the masses, taking a deep breath of stuffy club air when he finally has enough space around him to do so, the bar not occupied by that many people, when he leans against the cool counter, waiting for the bartender to notice him.

“Jin Hyung?” The voice next to him startles him enough to make him slightly jump around to look at the source, a hand clutched over his heart, maybe he should stop drinking for the night. 

Next to him sits Yoongi, looking at him with wide eyes, sipping on a glass of what Seokjin assumes must be whiskey, Namjoon was next to him, looking not thrilled to be here at all, while his eyes are fixed on Seokjin, almost burning. They haven’t really had many opportunities to talk these days, their encounters mostly quiet, seeking that special sort of peace they have experienced with each other before. 

He never thought of the younger as someone who would be found in a club as this one, but then he didn’t think he was a rapper when he was younger as well. 

“Yoongi-ah, Namjoon-ah, what are you doing here?” He asks, still slightly shocked, mostly slow due to the alcohol in his veins though. 

“Getting a drink?” Yoongi says, sounding more like a question, which makes Jin giggle. The bartender appears then, takes his order, a water. 

“Are the others here as well?” 

Jin nods, pointing behind him slightly, “dance floor.” Watching Yoongis face screw up a little when he mentions it, is his guilty pleasure, he knows how much Yoongi dislikes to dance but that he will join the others anyway as soon as he has finished his glass of whiskey, just so he has an excuse to be close to Hoseok and Taehyung. 

His gaze meets Namjoons, who looks like he has just the same thought, he shakes his head like he couldn’t believe it and Jin wonders if Yoongi and Hoseok have always danced around each other like that, now that he knows all three of them went to the same college. 

He thanks the bartender when he reaches him his water, taking a sip of the cold, clear liquid he walks around Yoongi to press himself between him and Namjoon, deciding to stay here for a few more minutes. 

“You don’t look like you want to be here.” He says to Namjoon, bringing his hand up to pull something out of the youngers hair without thinking about it at all. Earning himself a wide eyed look, that has him smile. “You had something in your hair.” He says what must have been obvious, his hand just sinking to his side again slowly. 

“Thank you.” Namjoon says, almost too low for Jins ears to catch. 

“I dragged him here. Its not healthy to hole yourself up in your apartment all the time.” It feels a little like a stab to his own side, since it has been what he has done these past months as well. Jin shrugs, providing Yoongi with a wide smile. 

Chugging down the rest of his water, he puts his glass back onto the counter, he quickly makes sure that the two men to his side have also finished their drinks before he grabs their arms, making them stand up from the barstools. 

“Then we all should dance a bit before the night ends, don’t we?” He doesn’t wait for a reply, before he drags them after himself, a quick glance over his shoulder has him giggling though, both don’t look thrilled, but are following him anyway. 

Its not as difficult to find their friends again, who are showing no signs of tiredness in their bones, while dancing with each other. Taehyung is the first to spot them, his face lighting up when he sees a grumpy Yoongi. 

“Yoongi Hyung!” He gets out of Hoseoks arms, just enough to grab Yoongi to pull him in, sandwiching himself between them, which has Jin shake his head. Since Jimin and Jeongguk are in their own world again Jin spins around to look at Namjoon with a wide grin, who looks somehow nervous. It could be a trick of light but his cheeks seem to have taken on a red tint. 

“Come on Joon-ah. Lets loose up a bit.” He smiles at the younger, his own body pulled in by the rhythm of the song. He slightly tugs at Namjoons hand he didn’t realize he was still holding in his own until now.

Namjoon tries, his moves are clumsy though, he looks uncomfortable, eyes flickering over Jins body, like he was trying to get how to mimic his moves. He wants to put an end to his misery, but a stranger stumbling into Namjoons back beats him to it. 

The younger stumbles forward, his eyes wide, right into Seokjins arms, who holds him upright with one hand clutching his waist, the other coming around his broad back. The shirt Namjoon is wearing is thin enough to let Jins hands feel the firm muscles beneath it. He has to gulp, pushing his reaction onto the alcohol he has drunken, as well as it gets the blame for him growing red while getting lost in Namjoons eyes. 

They don’t realize it at first, how they begin to sway to the music, way off beat, while not stopping their eye contact. Namjoons hands first settle on Jins shoulders, before, after some time, they begin to roam around his upper body, making him shudder, stepping even closer. 

He is insane, he thinks, but why does it feel so good? Jin brings his own hands up to Namjoons nape, playing with his hair there, while he feels the youngers large hands grip his hip like he needs something to hold onto. 

At some point he can feel Namjoons breath on his lips, they have stopped moving somewhere along the way, the tension pulling inside his stomach, making it difficult to focus on anything other than Namjoons lips and the chanting voice in his head that pleads him to taste them. 

Namjoon doesn’t look like he is on a different page, his hands warm, almost burning through the fabric of his shirt, eyes hooded, focused on his lips. But before Jin can do something, like grabbing Namjoons nape harder and pulling him down so they can finally kiss, they jump away from each other, like they have gotten burned, when their friends pull them into a large circle to dance with them instead. 

They don’t seem like they have realized what has going on under their noses, at least Jin thinks so, his cheeks burning red, his stomach sweeping in disappointment that he is sure he shouldn’t feel while he looks everywhere but at Namjoon, who has found some space between Yoongi and Jeongguk. 

At least he thinks his friends are oblivious, until he meets Jimins wide eyes, like he couldn’t believe what he has just seen. Jin hopes the younger has drunken enough to at least put it into the category of hallucination or when he is lucky even forgets about it fully.

When he checks his phone a couple of hours later, before falling into his bed, he knows Jimin wouldn’t forget about it. He groans into his pillow, willing himself to forget about it instead, its irrational anyway, they have gotten carried away, their relationship wasn’t like that, not even close. Stupid alcohol.  

1312 Days

Its the middle of summer already, the sun stands high and burning down bright and unforgiving when they climb out of the cars they have sat in for the past hours. The drive from Seoul to Koreans countryside taking up a good portion of the day, even if they began driving before the sun has gotten up fully. 

The air is way clearer than the city could ever provide them with, filling Jins lungs easily. His gaze sweeps around the estate the company booked for them for the next two weeks, to just relax and breathe and be until they need to go on tour again. It slightly feels like the calm before the storm, a much needed calm. 

They have a handful of staff with them, because even if this is a vacation of some sorts, it still is organized by the company, who wants them to rest while filming content they are sure the fans will love. Getting to see them in a somewhat raw form he can just imagine how anticipated the show will be when it will be teased and aired some months after this. 

They are surrounded by greenery, the main road around ten minutes away by car and the nearest house he has seen is at least five minutes away by car, so there are people, but not close enough to be watched by anyone else than the staff and the cameras around the property. 

There is one big house, providing all four of them with a room to their own, the staff will sleep in a smaller, secluded house a bit down the property, nearer at the lake that is glimmering in the afternoon sun. 

A shed provides them with more activities they could choose from if they are feeling bored at some point, Frisbees, Yoga mats, even a punching bag and other things. The fridge and cupboards are already filled with all sorts of stuff they are told not to worry about. Someone will provide them with supplies should they run short on something in their two weeks stay here. 

After they decided who gets which room, Jin took the one in the attic (luckily it is air conditioned), that provides a wide look over the sky. He had offered it to the others when he noticed them looking intrigued by the few but they insisted that he should take it. He is sure they will sleep with him in the room more than half of their time here, but he wouldn’t have it any other way. 

A small while later he stands in the living room, debating if he should join the others in the sun, playing with the Frisbee they have found or if he should plop down on the sofa and find out what kind of games there are on the consoles that he has seen standing around. 

His eyes dart around, back and forth while he can't seem to decide, his level of energy is not at its best due to all the stress the year has provided him with until now. 

While he stands there, still contemplating while listening to his friends laughter, his eyes catch sight of Namjoon. He, Yoongi and even Hoseok are included in their little vacation as the staff they had to bring with them. 

The younger was fumbling with his camera, capturing Jins band mates and their playful shenanigans.

After the night in the club they have avoided to talk about whatever it was that almost happened between them. It was like a silent agreement to simply ignore it. They have accidentally met in the café just around the corner to the company. They have sat at the same table more than once, drinking their coffees while talking about work, about the schedule, about the art Namjoon recently has gone out to see, the newest game Seokjin has begun playing over the weekend, over nothing and anything at all, but neither of them has mentioned that night once. 

Not that it is bad, probably the total opposite, but Seokjin couldn’t prevent himself from thinking back to it every so often when he is alone at night in his apartment, feeling his stomach swoop in anticipation and disappointment, can’t ignore the warmth rushing through his veins then with no alcohol to blame it on. Just the thought that this whole thing is irrational, that Namjoon probably still is grieving his former boyfriend, even though he has changed his laptop background since.

Its been almost two months at this point, that he still is so hung up on it is probably kind of unhealthy, but he couldn’t really help himself, couldn’t help his bodily reactions. Namjoon was looking good, better than good just a fool wouldn’t see it. The tension he thinks has formed between them since that night, nothing more than a prickling thought, a desire that would bring nothing but difficulty into their lives when played out. Not that he thinks either of them has feelings that are above the bodily craving for intimacy, to let out steam, to let out stress in a passionate manner. 

It is nothing that will be happening when they both stay in their right minds, as long as this tension will deflate, which he sure it will be soon, especially since he sees Namjoon hang out with Haeun, one of their staff members pretty frequently and as close that some could assume that there was more between them, or that they are on the path to reach that more soon. 

The decision if he goes out to his band members or if he stays in for the rest of the afternoon gets pulled from his hands when Jimin plops his head inside through the barely opened glass door. 

“Hyung! Why are you standing there, come on outside!” And just like that he is grabbed and dragged outside into the sun. Soon he is sweating due to the heat and the activity, he is sure when sitting around the dining table later, that these two weeks will be a whirlwind he hopes to catch a breather in between. 

1279 Days

Standing on stage is a feeling on its own, something he doesn’t want to miss anymore, a thrill that makes adrenaline brim beneath his skin like a pleasant buzz, the bass was alternating his heartbeat with every song and the fans sheers are becoming his lifeline for the couple of hours that they are playing their concerts. 

It has been one such night, their last concert has been just an hour ago, now they are back at their hotel again, in a room they have booked just for them and their staff, so they could be around a bit more, drinking and chatting and letting the buzz and adrenaline flow out in a controlled and save environment. 

Normally Seokjin was happy with just a beer he could sip on and a few good conversations, sometimes even some karaoke when the others are willing to as well, which they usually are. 

Today though the adrenaline and buzz didn’t seem to want to leave him alone, he still feels energized and electrified, too much so to keep still for long enough. He wanders around the room chats with almost everyone before he gets out of it, thinking a whiff of fresh air might could help. 

The nightly summer air was still way too warm, the bad side of being in the city during the summer, where the heat gets caught between the high buildings, heating the surroundings up even further, at least it feels that way. 

The Hotel they are staying in for the next few nights has a roof terrace which isn’t occupied at this hour anymore. It has a bar, which is already closed, the seats and tables are empty. A good thing since he needs to clear his head instead of engaging with even more people. 

When this doesn’t help as well, he maybe should put his energy towards breaking the record in his new game, then it wouldn’t be wasted. 

Leaning against the railing, his leg bounces and his head bobs up and down to a beat that is stuck in his head, he hums the melody, mumbles the lyrics while he lets his gaze wander over the blinking city lights beneath and in front of him. 

He has a déjà vu when, from one second to the other, Namjoon appears next to him, this time without his camera though, instead looking even more stressed than that day a few months ago on the company rooftop. 

So much so that Seokjin, after he couldn’t prevent himself from staring at the younger for an embarrassing amount of time, just had to ask. 
“Is everything alright?” 

“Ohm, uhm, yeah, I just need to hide for a bit, I didn’t want to interrupt you though.” 

“You aren’t interrupting me Joon-ah.” He says, smiling softly, his hand falling onto the youngers arm, where no shirt was covering his skin. It was feeling soft beneath his fingers, even more electrifying than the concert he had just hours ago, but he couldn’t bring himself to let his hand fall away again, when Namjoon wasn’t looking like he finds it uncomfortable or saying something like that.

“Who are you hiding from?” 

“Haeun.” Namjoon groans, head hanging low. “I thought we clicked, like friendship wise. I thought she knew that I’m gay, but when she tried to kiss me the other day, I had to tell her, but since then she seemingly thinks that she could convince me to like her that way, or some shit.”  

Jin feels bad for him instantly. “And you think she won’t come up here?”

“She is afraid of highs so I hope she don’t.”

“Ahh,” Jin nods, “I haven’t seen you at the after party earlier.” It doesn’t feel right to call their small get together like that, but it wasn’t like he was having a more fitting word for it.

“I didn’t feel like social interactions, I just came out to get something to eat.”

“Did you?” 

“Huh?” 

“Did you get something to eat?” Jin asks, endeared. Namjoon didn’t even needed to answer verbally, his grumbling stomach was doing that for him, which has the younger blush, seemingly embarrassed. 

“Come on, we find you something to eat.” Jin smiles, walking towards the door. He hears Namjoon following him on unsure feet. 

“Don’t worry about Haeun.” He turns around when they are standing at the top of the stairs, Namjoon wasn’t looking too sure but he wasn’t voicing out his concerns. 

Jin grips his hand, tugging Namjoon along with him. It is impossible for him to ignore how well their hands fit together.

1238 Days

They are back in Korea, at least for the next week, to get a much needed breather, to get some rest, see friends and family, to just relax at home after they have been away for a little over a month. 

That has been his plan as well, to stay home and relax until he is found on the road again with the second part of their world tour. He is excited about this one, like he is about every tour they do, but its different this time since they are stopping by in India and South Africa for the first time, doing something barely anyone does in their line of industry, where it is called a world tour even if they are just touring Asia and America. 

Instead of being home, in his pajamas, playing the newest dark souls game like he wants to do, he stood up rather early and headed to the company, since Yoongi asked him to, saying that it was important since it was about their newest project. 

The meeting that has just ended leaves him frustrated, a major producer just jumped off the project, pulling two song writer with him, for reasons that are still unclear since it seemed like they are all on the same page just two weeks ago. Now they have a problem though, because they didn’t just jumped off, they even decline them any access and usage of the things they already have had ready to go. 

Which means a lot more work that gets pressed into their schedule, and a lot more stress because they are in need for something entirely new. Not that they don’t have things still on the back burner, but to their dismay the company disapproves of these Songs, since it apparently doesn’t fit their image anymore, or the drafted one form the company that is. 

They are all pissed about it, since it has never been a big problem before, and no one can tell them what the problem is exactly and in detail, just that the songs that they do have are a lot stronger in energy and lyricism than the soft, almost generic love songs they have worked on, something they agreed to do, to expand their horizon, to try something different, something new. 

To say that their mood for the day is (almost) ruined, especially after they didn’t get an answer as to why their “normal” personally seems to clash, especially since there hasn’t been any content, related to the new songs, that has been released yet. 

Its irritating and he just hopes they are all able to mend it into something they can all agree on in the end, because it wouldn’t make anyone happy if they have to force themselves to portray something they do not in the slightest identify with.

He rubs his temples, his head begun pounding an hour ago and nothing seems to make it go away just yet. Walking with his eyes closed, he thinks, is something he shouldn’t do. Especially not when he walks into something, or someone just a couple of seconds later, losing his balance and blinking his eyes open, his hands try and fail to hold onto something to prevent himself from falling, just for a surprised Namjoon to grab him and hold him with an arm around his waist. 

Jins hands come up to Namjoons Chest, fisting the thin fabric in hopes to not lose his footing again. They are near, nearer than they have ever been since that one club night months ago, that memories of are pushing themselves to the front again, right now, he feels his breathe stutter, his face heating up, his throat releasing a high squicky tone that makes the whole situation even more embarrassing.   

"Joon-ah!” That he even sounds breathy wasn’t making it any better as well, it even earns him a small chuckle that has Namjoons, deep, deep, dimples appear right in front of him.

“You shouldn’t walk around with your eyes closed Hyung.” The younger says, the grip around his waist becoming heavier, like he wants to emphasize his words like that.
  It intensifies the heat on Jins face, at this point he thinks he must look like a tomato. He slightly claps Namjoons chest and averts his eyes, which, he thinks, wasn’t helping much. Since his gaze falls onto where his hands are on Namjoons chest. 

The heat he constantly feels in his belly when around the younger, the building tension, has him step back slightly, putting enough room between the two that he at least has the capability to take a deeper breather than before. He probably should think about getting laid, at this point it has been way too long, especially when he reacts like this to such a simple touch. 

“I’m sorry Joon-ah.” He says, a hand in his neck, rubbing it. 

“Don’t be Hyung, I ran into you way more often.” The younger laughs, a smile stretching his lips afterwards and the irrational (a bit stupid) part of his brain wants to melt. 

“Shouldn’t you be at this gallery you wanted to visit now?” Jin asks, changing the topic to something that feels a lot safer. 

“I wanted to.” Namjoon pouts endearingly, “But Yoongi asked me to come over, he wanted to talk about something that apparently can’t wait.” He sighs. And Jin can’t stand the disappointment in Namjoons eyes. 

The younger hasn’t stopped talking about that gallery, and, today is the last day it is opened to the public, and since they weren’t even in the country Namjoon had wanted to go today, he has spoken about it the whole week, raved about the artist and their art. 

“How long is it opened today?” Jin asks, looking at his wrist watch, who shows that it isn’t that late yet. 

Namjoon looks at his phone sighing, “around three hours or so, but it is on the other end of Seoul and I’m here by bike.” He shakes his head. “I will just go to another exhibition should there be one.” 

“But you wanted to see this one.” Jin mumbles, his stomach twisting, his mind coming up with an idea. 

“I drove here on my own today, how about you go to Yoongi and I wait for you. This distance is quicker to overcome by car and I drive you there.” 

“Its too much to ask of you Hyung.” Namjoon shakes his head again, this time with tinted red cheeks and wide eyes. 

“Then its good you didn’t ask.” He pats the youngers arm, smiling at him, his touch lingering. 

“I accept it just when you go through the exhibition with me Hyung.” Namjoon smiles, eyes sparkling because he knows Jins plans for their days off, knows that he wanted to spend them behind his PC gaming. 

“Alright, it seems to be a good day to look at some art.” He waves Namjoon off to Yoongi soon after, looking after him until he rounds a corner, wondering what he was doing here. 

A hand on his shoulder startles him, when he looks who it is he comes face to face with Jimin, whose eyebrows are risen. He wasn’t saying anything but he doesn’t have to for Jin to understand. He wants to decline that he is whipped for the young photojournalist, but that would be a blatant lie, and he doesn’t do lies. 

“I guess I doesn’t have to ask if you want to come bowling with us today.” Jimin smiles. 

“Yeah, seems like I just made plans.” 

“We will come over one of these days then Hyung.” 

“Just tell me beforehand.” He sighs, patting his pockets for his car keys. They both know that they won’t message him beforehand, he will probably wake up to them lounging on his living room sofa in a couple of days.  

1207 Days

“This is becoming slightly scary.” Jin says when he plops down on a chair. He has come over to his favorite café, since he was craving an iced Americano for hours now. 

Practice has been a headache, his muscles ache and he is sure he will suffer tomorrow, rewarding himself with his favorite beverage sounds just heavenly. He should have anticipated it though, to see Namjoon sit at one of the Halloween themed decorated tables, focused on his laptop or the small notebook he, these days, carries around with him everywhere. 

The younger always seems to already be here whenever Jin decides to come by, sometimes Jin sits down at the youngers table, the two of them always able to find something to talk about, even silence is comfortable between them, sometimes he just gets his drink and then he is out again, often when his day is busy and he can’t spare more than five minutes. 

“Its almost Halloween Hyung, shouldn’t it be scary?” Namjoon smiles at him brightly, his fingers playing with the paper tablecloth that is decorated with pumpkins and bats. 

He has to laugh, “that wasn’t really what I meant, but sure, it should be scary.” Playing with the other side of the tablecloth, he looks at the younger, who looks good, like he always does, almost glowing in the already sinking sun behind the window they are sitting in front of. 

“What did you mean then?” The younger asks, his dimples deep, his eyes glinting and the warmth in Seokjins stomach reaches his veins, he has to avert his gaze for a few seconds, sips on his coffee instead. 

“You’re always here when I get a coffee, I don’t know, wouldn’t I know better I would say it becomes a bit stalker like.” He chuckles, not meaning a single word of it, confident that Namjoon understands that. 

The glint in the others eyes becomes more intense, “wouldn’t you be the stalker then?” 

“Me?” Jin sputters. 

“Yeah, you’re the one who always seems to walk into this café when I have already settled here.” The younger blinks at him, trying to be serious, but Jin can see the corners of his lips tremble. 

“I guess you have a point.” He chuckles, his head falling back. 
“Are you going to be at the Halloween event this year?” He doesn’t remember seeing Namjoon around for it last year. 

“Ah I don’t think so.” The younger shakes his head, “this Halloween thing isn’t for me and Yoongi said it would be no problem to let it go over my head for this year as well, are you going?”

“No, at least I plan to politely run out of the back door as soon as practice is over. Who knows maybe the Halloween ghosts grant me a wish and make me invisible for the remainder of that night.”

“How does one run out the back door politely?” 

“With waving and smiling or something.” Both of them laugh, sipping their beverages after in comfortable silence, Namjoon scribbles something down in his notebook, before he closes his laptop for good. 

The younger leans forward, elbows on the table, looking curious. 
“So, you would want to be invisible when the Halloween ghosts would grant you a wish? Why?” 

“Because of all the things I could do! Swap my friends clothes and laugh about them having to walk around in hilarious hoodies, or messing with the schedule without anyone getting a whiff of it, it would be so easy then to get Yoongis password, or rob a bank!” The last one has Namjoon sputter, before he breaks out in a barking laugh. 

“That took a quick turn Hyung.” 

“What would you ask for should the Halloween ghosts ever want to grant you a wish?” Namjoon looks like he is contemplating his question, like he needs to score some points in an exam instead of follow something made up that will never come true. 

“I think I would ask for Wings, these big ones with feathers or leather, doesn’t really matter.” 

“You want to become a bird?” Jin chuckles, his mind coming up with a small bird sitting in a clumsy made nest with Namjoons eyes and characteristics. Its adorable, really. 

“No!” The younger laughs, “I just would like wings to fly above the city and feel the wind when a storm comes around.” 

“With your luck you would probably get struck by lightning.” 

Namjoon pouts, arms coming up to cross above his chest and Jin almost coos at him. 

“But sure, traveling with wings is surely faster than your bike.”     

1157 Days

Its early December already, the holiday season just kick started and Jin already feels ready to sleep through the festivities, which he, this year, has no opportunity to do. 

They have schedules that are reaching over the holidays, not even leaving the band enough time to go and visit their families at least at one of those days. Which has every one in a worse mood than usual. 
The staff doesn’t seem to be thrilled either. Many of them pulling faces and Jin understands, he really does, he just hopes December will go by quickly. 

“This is so unfair Hyung.” Jeongguk next to him whines, “we can’t even celebrate your Birthday like we always do!” 

The other two grumble along. “Its just a day like any other.” He sighs, shrugging. Sure, he is slightly pissed about it himself. Normally the younger three would be destroying his kitchen by now, trying to pull off a birthday meal for him, that they would devour later before they either go out to the blue side, or stay in and best each other in his games, whatever Jin wants the most.

But it is nothing he can change today, when they are lucky they get a day off where they can make up for it, or he just has to accept it and move on, next year he will get older as well. Thats the good things with birthdays, they occur every year.

“No ones birthday should be just another day!” Taehyung grumbles, pouting on his other side. They are sitting on the floor in their practice room, they already have a couple of hours of dance training behind them, after they have been in the studio for the better part of the morning and a couple of meetings that have gone hand in hand. 

It has gotten late, he is sure the sun wasn’t even up anymore, “We should at least get some food, thats the least we can do.” Jimin says, pulling Taehyung up from where he sat, before he is coming for Jin, not letting it be discussed that he needs to move again. 

“Its on us today Hyung.” He gets pulled into a hug as soon as he stands on his feet, sighing into the embrace he didn’t know he was craving so much. 

“Fine, but just something simple.” 

“Whatever you want Hyung. Come on, lets get changed and out of here before they are reminded that they have something they need to put onto our schedule last minute.” Jeongguk shudders with his words. When they escape into the changing rooms, there is staff in the hallways, looking like they are searching for someone, for them, by the sounds of it. 

They make quick work and are out of the building faster than they ever were before, resting just when they reach his apartment after stopping at the corner restaurant to secure their meal. 

Its late when he browses through his bag, searching for something, its then his hands brush over something fluffy. When he pulls it out he smiles involuntarily, he holds a small plush alpaca in his hands, which has fairy wings attached to it, which seem they have gotten stolen from something kids would play with. He laughs at it, doesn’t even need a note to know from whom it is. 

He attaches it to his bag, a bit big for a key chain but that doesn’t matter, then he pulls his phone out to thank the younger.   

1137 Days

They are standing on the rooftop of the location the company has booked for their new years celebration, the whole thing has been a blast, but it also has been hectic in between hitting the dance floor and talking with different groups that are under the company, with the staff that they have grown close to, with whoever associated partners the companies big bosses invited. 

Its as much a party as it is an opportunity to mingle and network, not Seokjins specialty, which is why he keeps himself away from the masses that are standing around all those little tables with their cocktails in their hands, looking important in their branded clothes. Luckily he has Yoongi, who, by now, looks more stressed than Jin deems healthy on a day like today, or any day.

But before he can do something to rescue him Taehyung and Hoseok swipe in and pull him away from whatever conversation he has been trying to escape for more than half an hour. Jin himself finds himself in a corner of the rooftop sipping his champagne , trying to catch his breathing. 

Just a few minutes anymore until the new year starts, maybe a bit over an hour until it is appropriate to leave this party. His eyes fall onto a small group that mingles not far from him, they have cards around their necks, identifying them as journalists, because no such party can be held without the public needing to know of it. 

He has tried to put as much distance between himself and their unhealthy cameras as he could, but somehow they seem to always radiate around him, or the space is a lot smaller than he actually thinks it is. 

Namjoon has been somewhere around as well, with his camera, but the younger as well didn’t came close to the journalists. Jin actually hasn’t seen him for a while now, wondering if he made a run for home, he glances at the big TV hanging above the doorway into the building where even more people are mingling, the cold is biting, but the sky is surprisingly clear, at least until now. 

“You should get out there and try to network for a bit, some people are asking for you.” Somehow Yoongi appears next to him, leaving no trace of where Taehyung and Hoseok are. 

“No thank you.” He shakes his head before he takes another sip of his champagne, just to come across an empty glass. He sighs, putting it down at a near table. 

“I can’t even be mad.” Yoongi sinks against the wall in their backs, closing his eyes for a second, “I think I have talked as much today as I did the whole year.” 

“You should get a break.” 

“I go to sleep for three days straight as soon as I’m able to leave this party.” 

Jin chuckles, planing to do the same, the stress is eating away at his mind and body, having him tense all the time. Something he doesn’t think sleep alone will be able to cleanse out but he has no other option. 
“Me too.”    

“Hopefully the next year will be better.” 

The silence between them stretches, which is comfortable, but they get shaken out of it as soon as the people around them start counting and the younger ones find their way towards them when more people flow outside as soon as the clock strikes midnight. 

After that the first minuets are hazy, between kissing couples and cheering people, between congratulations like they have moved the clock with their own hands and getting pulled into hugs by more than just the people he is comfortable with. Jin finds a way inside, leaving all the hustle behind himself, to find himself in a quiet hallway that leads to a smaller room, still decorated for Christmas, with barely any lights on but windows big enough to have an almost perfect view onto the horizon that is lighting up with an spectacular range of colours. 

“Joon-ah?” He asks when he comes closer, recognizing the youngers silhouette in front of the big windows. Namjoon looks at him over the shoulder, a glint in his eyes, that becomes heavier with all the colours glimmering over the sky. 

The warmth in his body multiplies under the heavy gaze of the younger, that not subtle at all runs over his body, he can see how Namjoon runs his tongue over his lips like he likes how Jin is looking. 

“Hyung.” Is it just his imagination or does Namjoons voice sound breathier than usual? Is it just the alcohol that is thrumming through his body that makes him imagine things, that has the tension in his body pull him forward enough to come to a halt right in front of Namjoon. 

“Happy new year.” He whispers, anything else becoming too loud in the small room between them. Jin tries looking away, looking out of the window, but Namjoons eyes are deeper than a colourful sky could ever be. Let it be the alcohol, but the heat he feels in the youngers presence for far too long now has him in a choke hold, has waves crash together above his head, has him breathless without a way out, a way to cure it. 

“Happy new year Hyung.” The younger mumbles, looking like he was experiencing the same, his hand comes up, fingers pulling something out of his hair, before his large palm cradles his cheek instead resting on his skin like it belongs there. 

“You had something in your hair.” Namjoon says way too late, voice low and deep and Jin leans into the touch, blinks up slightly. 

Its like that night in the club, but so much more intense, it has goosebumps erupting on his skin and him craving Namjoon in a way he isn’t sure he should. 

But he wasn’t going to think about it, at least not now, when he sees the younger come closer, close enough for their noses to brush, to feel his warm breath on his lips. 

“Can I kiss you Hyung?” And while the question comes out of nowhere, the intensity of the situation too, he thinks all those moments over the year had to lead here, and should he get suffocated because he let the younger steal his breath he is glad to let it happen. 

“Please.” His own hands grip Namjoons hips, trying to hold onto something. 

In the first moment their lips just brush, its a barely there sensation, like they both have to test the waters, like Namjoon is giving him a way out still, but when he doesn’t move the sensation becomes heavier, the press of Namjoons lips on his own recognizable. 

When he thought he would be suffocating because the younger steals his breath even more than he did before, he didn’t think he could feel like this, like it was his lifeline, like it was the only option to really breathe, to feel complete and lost in a way he never did before, it is irritating but nothing he has time for when he pulls Namjoon closer, when they begin to move their lips, and the world as a whole ends to exist. 

All that matters anymore is the younger, are their moving lips and all the places they touch through their clothes, they are close, but the desire to feel the younger even closer is burning brightly through his body. He whimpers when he feels Namjoons tongue drag over his bottom lip, asking for more, that Jin grands him immediately. 

A heavy hand in his back makes him stumble impossibly close, his own hands find their way into Namjoons hair which he always thought is so soft and comfy to let his fingers run through.

He looses every feeling for time, he has no clue how long they are standing in front of those windows, kissing, devouring each others mouths like this is all they need to breathe, to live. 

When they do have to get real air into their lungs, enough to have their bodies function, they press their foreheads against each other, hands still pulling and pushing and roaming, lips wandering over skin, jaws and necks everywhere they can reach, savoring the sweetness on their tongues, silently begging the other for more. 

“Damn!” And just like that the moment is ruined, they jump into the air, stumble to bring physical distance between each other, hands loosing their grip, suddenly feeling cold, while staring at each other with wide eyes, what just happened still getting processed by their just slow, still hazy and craving minds.

“I have never seen two people be this passionate about a mistletoe kiss.” The person giggles, alcohol makes their voice slurry, dragging and stumbling about letters. 

Both Namjoon and Jin look to the ceiling, neither of them realized the mistletoe before.   

Chapter Text

1098 Days

The world looks different through his camera, at least slightly. Blurry or focused, black and white or full of colour, overflown with light or desperately searching for a pigment of it. 

Its the perfect hiding space, a wide range to look at the world, but the world not looking at him, at least not directly, and when he places himself at the sidelines, like all the other people with their cameras he even gets the light feeling of being something akin to invisible. 

Just like right now, looking up at the stage through his camera lens, capturing the lights flickering around the band artistically, they have given up their dancing in order to jump around like the free spirits they are. 

Its always fun to see them like this, breaking out of the cage they have created for themselves by following what they thought would make their fans the happiest (Maybe Namjoon was staying too late up at night browsing through fan forums, reading all the wild theories that didn’t just come up in the two years he is already working with the band, its fun when he doesn’t put too much weight into it). 

This breaking free from their cage, from the shackles of the industry while enjoying themselves on stage, doing what they love, its a concept he didn’t ask for, but is fitting so well the more he gets to know the band. 

It makes his work easy, his thoughts quiet down, until even his worries aren’t more than a whisper far back somewhere in his mind. He hums to the music, he doesn’t remember seeing the song on the set list at all, but it is one of the fans favorites, it just makes sense that they are playing it.

The place where he stands is optimal, not too far from the stage, but far enough to also capture parts of the crowd, of the lights and laughs, of the happiness radiating through the place, everyone forgetting the world outside, the hardships they are facing even when it is just for a few hours. 

Its the first concert of the year for the band, one of many that will follow until the summer arrives, the energy is over the roof, but, in those two years, Namjoon learned quickly that the energy is always over the roof, the band never slacking, no matter how stressed they are outside of the stage, how much they have on their minds. They give more than 100% for their fans, always and everywhere. 

They play with the crowd, giving their bodyguards heart attacks when Jeongguk dives right into the crowd without giving a warning to anyone, laughing it off, while being just slightly mobbed, most of the fans being respectful of him and the space he needs. 

The other three are looking at the youngest, endeared and just a little bit worried about his antics. Seokjins eyes find his camera, staring right into it, into him, before he too hop's off the stage, causing Namjoons heart to stumble for all the different reasons. 

It has been like this the whole day already, Seokjins eyes always finding his camera lens, looking at it with heat and unsaid words, dancing with it, singing about it. Like he was flirting. 

Like he was intending more, knowing very well how heat was building up in Namjoons belly, how it was spreading through his whole body in anticipation for something he can’t say he would deny. 

Ever since new years he has found himself in a weird state, an even weirder head space. It still feels like he has just dreamed all of it, but it is replaying itself in his mind just like a memory can, and he knows it wasn’t a dream at all. 

He can’t say what came over him that moment. All he wanted to do was escape the people on that rooftop, have a breather and good look at the fireworks before heading home and calling it a day. But Jin had to find him, standing there in that room he found for himself, looking like someone ethereal. Looking at Namjoon with wonder and endearment, such softness, and it had Namjoons heart stumble, his body heating up just like it does right now. 

He hadn’t been able to avoid his eyes, had not wanted to, more the opposite, he wanted to drown in them, in the stability it gave him right then and there, he wanted to sink further into the warmth, into the tension, leaving out what he dreams of and forgets about every now and then. 

And Seokjin? He looked at him just the same, his eyes mirroring what Namjoon was feeling, balancing on that thin thread that was holding him together just barely, while watching the colours of the fireworks dance over Seokjins face, see and feel him leaning into his touch. 

Namjoon didn’t plan to ask, didn’t plan to act on his thought, on his want, but his brain to mouth connection had failed him right then and there, made the words tumble over his lips right onto Seokjins who, while surprise still dancing in his eyes, leaned in, pleaded for it.

The kiss they shared was certainly something, loaded with all the tension that has build up between them that, for months, Namjoon thought was nothing more than something he imagined, because why would Seokjin feel the same? Why would this not be more than an imagination.

But with the kiss he has reached a new high of illusion, especially since they haven’t talked a word about it. All they did was go their separate ways after that person interrupted them, blocked them from going further, which Namjoon things they would have done, or he imagines it. 

Since then it have been more lingering looks, dragging over their bodies whenever they run into each other, lingering touches whenever they are near enough while neither of them talks about it. 

The thread that snapped has build itself up again, thin, so thin and ready to snap again, which Namjoon doesn’t know if it should or if he should work against. But it does have a thrill running through his body, over his spine, has goosebumps erupt all over his skin and heat burn bright in the pits of his stomach, ready to bubble up and burn the world whenever it is time. 

This is why he makes his way quickly through the backstage scene when the concert is fully over, the main lights on, the fans leaving the venue, trying to make a run for the door, to get out in the cold and clear his head, waving and smiling at everyone who gets in his way, declining every invite to the after party that gets thrown his way.

He can already see the door when the band fills into the hallway all laughs and good mood, still excited and brimming with energy and adrenaline. Seokjin was already looking at him, a bright smile on his lips. 

“Joon-ah! Are you coming around to the after party?” 

“Oh… Uhm… No I actually wanted to leave for home.” 

“Thats sad,” Taehyung nods, “I have the feeling that it will be a night for the history books.” 

“You always say that TaeTae.” Jimin giggles, pushing the younger playfully at his shoulder. 

“And I’m always right. In one way or the other.” 

Namjoon glances over to Seokjin, he really just wanted to steal a glance but instead of going without being caught he looks right into his Hyungs eyes that are already looking at him, glimmering with a multitude of emotions Namjoon can’t quite pinpoint but has him shuddering nonetheless. 

“Until tomorrow then Hyung.” Jeongguk pulls his attention away.

“Yeah, see you tomorrow.” He nods slowly. 

“Hyungie are you coming?” The youngest then asks Jin, who doesn’t seem like he had avoided looking at Namjoon at all, his eyes still burning through his clothes. 

“I have something to talk with Joonie, you go.” The older takes a step forward, a hand reaching out for Namjoons arm, makes him halt in every movement, he even stops breathing for a second too long, not knowing how to react. 

“But Hyungie…” 

“Just tell us where you are so we don’t have to worry Hyung.” Jimin grabs Jeongguks arm, preventing whatever he was about to say, to spill from his pouting lips. And just like that the three are out of the door, leaving them alone. 

Shifting uncomfortably from one foot to the other he looks at Seokjin, but the older wasn’t looking at him anymore, instead the grip on his arm gets heavier, stronger, pulls him along to the side, through a door, that he gets pressed against after. He tries to make something out, but its dark in this confined space. 

“What?…hng.” His question gets cut off and so gets the air in his lungs and any thought that was running against the walls of his scull, when soft lips get pressed to his own. 

Luckily he already leans against something sturdy because his legs are becoming weak in an instant. His hands grab Seokjins shirt at his waist, while he tries to reciprocate the kiss as best as he can. 

His head is spinning, desperately trying to keep up with the pace, that is almost frantically, and trying to make sense of the situation, even when there isn’t much sense in their actions more than overflowing lust and a second that had all remaining threads snap simultaneously. 

Ultimately he just gives up and looses himself in the way their lips are pressed against each other, how they move them, how they move their bodies, brushing against each other, letting him wish for more. 

He focuses on Jins hands wandering over his shoulders, to his nape, into his hair where he pulls at the strands between his fingers, making Namjoon groan with the pleasurable pain shooting through his body.

His own hands are on Jins hips grabbing him fiercely, fingers slipping under the thin fabric of the shirt the older is wearing, revealing smooth skin to his fingertips, which has his head spin even more. 

Their breathing is labored when they part just slightly to get much needed air into their lungs. 

“I’m sorry Joon-ah.” Jin breathes against his lips, pecking them like he just can’t not do it, before he sinks his head lower, against Namjoons shoulder.

“Its… its alright Hyung.” He shudders, his voice sounding lower, raw in his own ears. 

“I should have asked.” The shake of Jins head is just slightly, a contrast to the heavy grip he has on Namjoons shirt, like he wants to tore it apart. 

“Like I said…” Namjoon gulps, spreading his fingers just slightly over Jins sides, still beneath the shirt, “its alright.” 

Jin moves, seems to want to get away from Namjoon, give them both space, but Namjoons brain was having a hard time being rational with all the pend up tension between them, with that desire burning through his veins like it wants to eat him whole and burn the world just as much.

He wasn’t letting him, well Jin could get away from him still, Namjoon would never force him to stay this close or anything, he just wasn’t letting him go more than a few centimeters when he feels almost no restrain coming from the older. 

“We shouldn’t do that.” Jin whispers, he can feel his warm breath against his neck.

Namjoon hums, agreeing with his Hyung, because they shouldn’t. Somewhere in his back, behind the door commotion erupts, they probably should get out of whatever room this is.  

“What do you want?” Namjoon asks, his voice barely above a whisper, his lips finding Seokjins neck, lets his lips brush over the skin when he doesn’t feel him lean away. 

He brushes over the skin, maps it with his lips, revels in the small mewls escaping his Hyungs throat, revels in the way he grabs his hair, trying to bring him even closer when he sucks gently at the skin, not quite trying to leave a mark but not opposed to the idea. 

“Hyung.” He asks breathy, lips finding their way up again, to his earlobe, over his jaw and cheeks.

“Fuck, Joon-ah.” Jin moans quietly, which has goosebumps run all over his body, want taking over when he, in one swift motion has them change their position, now its Jin who is leaning against the door, Namjoons leg lodged between his, pressing just slightly against Jins half hard cock. To know that he has such an effect on the older has his own already half hard cock twitch in interest. 

“We really shouldn’t do that.” Jin whispers before searching for and finding Namjoons lips again, his hands coming to a halt on Namjoons ass, bringing him even closer, making him grind down, they both moan into each others mouths. Desperate. 

“We established that already.” Namjoon shudders, grinding down again, not even feeling slightly ashamed for how easy he was giving into it all, how he wishes for Jin to give into it as well. 

He doesn’t get an answer, instead Jin yanks him down, connects their lips in a bruising kiss, which Namjoon is more than happy to reciprocate. They kiss for who knows how long, loud voices come and go behind the door they are leaning against. 

Just when they part again after some time, Namjoon still grinding down with Jins hands that are guiding him, they both fully hard now, even more desperate for each other. 

“Need you Hyung.” 

“Not here Joon-ah.” Jin groans against his ear. 

“My apartment is closer, we could… when you want…” 

“Yeah… come on.” 

The Uber ride to Namjoons apartment is mostly a blurry experience for the younger, they keep their hands mostly to themselves, just sharing heated glances that are brimming with excitement and anticipation, that have the heat coil in Namjoons gut and his brain stutter into action, providing him with all the consequences this probably will have when they go through with it. 

But he doesn’t care, his worries and all these things will still be there in the morning, for now he shoves them as far back as he possibly can, instead taking Jins hand in his, reveling in the knowledge that the older wasn’t opposed to it, to holding his hand when their fingers interlace. 

When they stumble out of the car, ignoring the driver that is looking at them somewhat funny, they are quick in the building and up the stairs since the elevator is broken again, (actually Namjoon has never seen it running in the first place throughout all the years he is living here now). 

Slightly out of breath he fumbles with his keys, they are almost slipping out of his hands when Jin drapes himself over Namjoons broad back, his lips brushing over his nape.
When he finally succeeds with pushing the right key in and turning, slamming the door open, before slamming it shut behind them again, he feels like the fire got reignited. He presses Jin against the wall of his small hallway, capturing his lips hastily. 

Jin kisses him back with just as much fervor, his fingers pulling at the strands of hair in his nape, make his head tip back leaving enough space for Jin to trace his jaw, towards his ear, pressing gentle kisses right under it.   

His own hands find their way beneath Jins shirt again, like they belong on the skin not on the fabric. This time he explores his Hyungs skin, revels in its softness, in the small waist and these broad broad shoulders. He groans when Jin takes his shirt off without him having to ask first, but he doesn’t have time to map his skin with his eyes when he is pulled into the next kiss.

He stumbles back when Jin pushes him, but not loosing his footing thanks to the older holding him so tightly. “Bedroom?” Jin breathes against his lips pushing him further into his living room. 

Namjoon leads them into his bedroom with ease, stumbling more than once, because he didn’t deem it necessary putting away some of the clutter that is here and there scattered over his floors.

When they finally land on his bed, Jin above him, one leg between his, hungrily looking down on him, pupils blown wide, he is out of breath, air stuttering in his lungs, no trace of anything that isn’t pulling and pushing hands, exploring naked skin, lips worshipping every centimeter of it. 

Ragged breath between groans and almost silent moans that have Namjoons head spinning even more. “How do you…” Namjoon groans when falling onto his back again after getting rid of his own shirt. He shudders, moans when Jin brushes over his nipples, twists them.

“Hmh?” The older hums against his skin, sucking a mark onto his collar bones while Namjoon melts into his mattress, his hands finding Jins hair, pulling him nearer, against his skin, holding him close as best as he can, hoping and pleading for more.
“What did you wanna say?”  

“Wanted to know how…hng…how you…” But words were failing him and he didn’t deem them necessary anymore when Jin closed his lips over one of his nipples, flicking his tongue while his other hand was coming up to his other nipple. 

He was bucking up his hips, his senses getting pushed into overdrive after he hasn’t been touched like this in literal years, never wanted someone to touch him like this anyway, until Jin came along, until he couldn’t get the singer out of his head anymore. 

The reality, by far, is better than any fantasy he might have had could ever be, its makes it hard to not react as violently as he does, bucking his hips up, his chest rising, his head falling back with a loud moan when Jin blows over the nipple he just had played with. 

“You’re so sensitive Joon-ah.” He just moans, trying to find friction and loosing his mind when he does, while also reveling in feeling Jins hard cock press against his hip. He can’t hold his hands in the older’s hair anymore, instead lets them wander over his shoulders, the smooth skin of his back, until he settles them on his ass, making him move, grind down, anything but subtle. 

Jin chuckles, but entertains him, grinds down, gasping, lowering down, naked skin brushing over naked skin, lips capturing his own in a bruising kiss. “Feels so big Joon-ah.” Jin moans, a hand of his between their bodies, squeezing Namjoons bulge over the fabric of his jeans, eliciting a moan so loud Namjoon is sure his neighbors have heard it.

But he couldn’t care less about his neighbors and any possible noise complains reaching him tomorrow.

“Want to ride you.” 

Namjoon must have blacked out right then and there, but Jin is already moving again, not letting Namjoon process what he thinks Jin just said. 

He just lays there for a moment, trying to catch his breath, but Jin wasn’t letting him, because he stands up, getting rid of his own Jeans before he moves over to Namjoon, smiling at him mischievously but helping him get rid of the fabric as well, while Namjoon can’t stop to stare at Jin. 

“Hyung.” He moans, eyes zeroed in on Jins cock, standing hard and slightly red against his stomach.

“Where is your lube Joon-ah?” Jin licks over his lips, looking at Namjoons flushed appearance, laying disheveled on his bed in his naked glory, probably should feel embarrassed but he was just eagerly reaching over to his nightstand where he pulls out lube and condoms, throwing them on his bed, right next to him, eagerly waiting on what will happen next, putting it all into Jins hands as long as he wants it and he doesn’t seem to get tired of it, when he crawls back onto the bed. 

“Prep me?” Yeah, Namjoon probably will just explode at this rate.    

He nods eagerly anyway, changing up their positions to make it more comfortable for Jin. He places himself between Jins opened legs, kissing a trail down over his soft tummy, taking his sweet time, sucking a mark here and there, drowning in the sweet sounds the older makes. 

He presses kisses to Jins tights, nips at the skin, follows the trail he painted with his lips with his tongue, all without coming too close to where Jins hand in his hair wants to tug him. 

“Joon-ah..” Jin groans, pain eliciting in Namjoons scalp, making him moan lightly, when Jin tugs harshly

“Hyung?” He looks up, tries himself at puppy eyes, making them big and round and hopefully innocent. It has the wished for effect, Jin whines, head thrown back, one hand tugging Namjoons hair, the other buried in the sheets trying to hold onto something. He already looks wrecked.

“Don’t be a tease Joon-ah.” Jins voice tumbles, trembles and Namjoon decides to have mercy, letting himself be directed to where Jin wants him the most. He gives Jins cock a few kitten licks, drawing a high pitched moan that he thinks is easy to get addicted to.

He shudders, putting the cock head in his mouth, relishing the heavy feeling on his tongue, groaning in bliss, his eyes fluttering close, his own hips stuttering against the mattress. 

Bobbing his head, he takes more and more of Jins cock in, slightly chocking but not caring about it when the head hits the back of his throat, it has Jin thrashing, his hips stuttering up, pushing his cock even deeper into Namjoons mouth, making him cough and choke and sputter, having to pull of. 

“Sorry.” Jin shakes, but Namjoon isn’t mad or anything, instead he licks over his length, dipping his tongue into the slit, pulling an arm over his Hyungs hip to prevent him from bucking them up again, while he grabs the lube without looking. 

Uncapping it and pouring some of it on his fingers is more difficult than it should be, and he was probably making a mess off his sheets, but he doesn’t care at all, when sucking Jin off slowly and throughly, having the older plead desperately for more. 

When he finally manages to drag his lube coated fingers over the puckered rim, he moans together with Jin, he works his finger in as slow as he can opening his Hyung up as good as he can, not wanting to hurt him even slightly. 

While sucking him off just as slowly, marveling in the heaviness of the cock in his mouth, and the warm tight around his fingers. His own hips are rutting against the mattress, desperate for any kind of friction he can get while simultaneously not really caring about himself as long as Jin was feeling good, which he thinks he is, if his blabbering and moans and mewls and groans and pleads for more are anything to go by. 

A harsh tug of his hair has him have to pop his mouth off Jins cock, has him look up to see how wrecked the older is looking.

“I need you…” He rasps, “now.” 

“But Hyung...” His words fail him when his back hits the mattress instead, the display of strength rendering him speechless, his cock twitching desperately. 

“No buts Joon-ah.” Jin mumbles against his lips, pressing one kiss on them and another, “you did good prepping me, but I need you.” Jin sits back up, making quick work with the condom. Namjoon seeing stars when Jin puts it on him, his neglected cock twitching helplessly, probably already leaking precum.    

When Jin straddles his hips, slowly sinking down Namjoons length, swearing beautifully, Namjoon thinks his soul has just left his body. Every ounce of his will gets put into keeping his hips still to not buck them up, making Jin sink down entirely all at once and not coming on the spot. Two difficult tasks that leave him panting, his hands flying to Jins hips to grip him not that softly as soon as he has bottomed out to hold him there. Needing a moment. 

“Fuck, feels so good Joon-ah.” Jin shudders, moans, the small movement has Namjoon whimpering desperately, out of breath. Jin lets himself fall forward, capturing Namjoons lips. For a while, while Jin adjusts and Namjoon tries to calm down, they just make out, that is until Jin begins to circle his hips, drawing a moan from both of them. 

Sitting up again, Jin works his thighs, lifting himself, before slowly, tortuously so, sinking down again, his head lolling back. 

The tight heat was rendering Namjoon speechless, drawing moan after moan out of him when he gets himself together enough to finally meet Jins thrusts, picking up the pace. Heels digging into the mattress, angling his hips different, when the high pitched moan is anything to go by, Namjoon is sure he just hit Jins prostate. He makes sure to keep the angle, the strain in his thighs just adding to the immense pleasure he is experiencing.   

Their voices are a symphony of high pitched moans and groans, mixed with the skin slapping it becomes obscene, but all of it was turning Namjoon on beyond believe, he feels the heat pool in his gut, can feel himself running full speed towards the edge, he grabs Jins leaking cock, jerking him off in the rhythm off his thrusts. 

Jin is a sight to behold, hair sticking to his forehead, heavy lidded eyes, mouth opened, lips plush and red from their kisses. His body glistening with sweat, his nipples hard and sensitive from Namjoon pinching and playing with them. His cock leaking precum, their rhythm becoming ragged, unorganized, frantic, while they both are chasing their orgasm.

“Hyung…” He moans.

“Me too, Joon-ahhh.” Jin comes first, spilling his cum between them, over Namjoons hand, clenching around Namjoons cock almost hurtingly pulling the younger right with him over the edge. He shudders, his head lolling back into his pillows, vision blacking out for a few seconds.    

Jin falls forward, onto Namjoons chest, not caring about the mess they just made. “Damn.” Jin groans, right into his ear. “That was good.” His lips trail over Namjoons cheek, capturing his lips again and Namjoon is happy to reciprocate the kiss, slow and in a haze, consumed still by the orgasm he just experienced.

1097 Days

Namjoon wakes up with warmth blanketing him, he cuddles deeper into it, arms closing in on it, pulling it nearer, impossibly so, while the events of last night are slowly catching up to him. 

He breathes out against Jins skin, can feel him shudder, a hand on his back painting slow and soft patterns. While he knows he probably should move more, make it known that he is awake, when Jin can’t already tell he is, but instead he allows himself to sink further into the softness of the touch. 

Feeling at ease, so much at peace and safe in a way he hasn’t in a long time, didn’t even think about missing it, until now where it is given to him, unasked. He can just imagine how awkward it may be between them as soon as he opens his eyes. Its the only possible outcome after what happened last night, isn’t it?

Even when they are two consenting adults, with a clear mind, its a jump they took in their beginning friendship they have build over the time they know each other now. Never would have Namjoon guessed that either of them would act on the lust he has felt brimming between them, neither did he really believe that Jin was even slightly feeling the same. 

Its as much confusing as it is a craving. He moves his head just slightly, his lips brushing over soft skin, but Jin wasn’t pushing him away, instead he was holding him closer. Namjoon can’t say what this will be, what it even is right now. 

He never had been in a situation like this. He has never been the type for Hook-ups, all the people, which are barely a handful, he has been with before, he has known well, he has been in a relationship with them, the romantic sort. But with Jin, he can’t say if his feelings are above platonic ones, ones that you feel for a great friend, but then there is the lust, the draw in that is tugging on his heart and his gut whenever the older is near. 

Its irritating, confusing, and he can’t say what to make of it, he will probably just ignore it, going back to how things have been as soon as Jin leaves his apartment, the older probably will appreciate it, he is a public figure after all, it will be in his interest when they proceed like the last night has never happened in the first place. 

He groans lowly, his thoughts already too fast and heavy for his just barely awake brain. 

“Good morning.” He hears Jin mumble against his ear, his hands never stopping drawing patterns over his back. 

“Mornin’” The word tumbles over his lips, his body moves slightly, pressing nearer to Jin, as if that would still be possible, it elicits a giggle from the older. “You’re like a koala.” 

“Koala?”

“Yeah, you’re hugging me like you don’t want to let me go.” Jin giggles. 

“’M sorry.” He mumbles, trying to untangle their limbs and bring some space between them, face heating up, just to be stopped by Jin, pulling him back in. 

“Don’t move yet, this is comfortable and I just want to soak it up a bit more.” And who is Namjoon to complain when he feels just the same. 

They settle again, Namjoons arms around Jin, his face pressed into the crook of his neck, their legs tangled, Jins fingers resuming to drawing patterns again, ignoring the world for some time longer, ignoring the phone that is going off somewhere on his bedroom floor. 

He has no clue what time it is, has no clue how long they are just laying there like this, his head going quiet when he drifts of to sleep again, just to be woken up some time later, when a small kiss is pressed to his temple and a growling stomach echoes through the room, making Jin giggle. 

“We should get something to eat.” He mumbles, without moving a muscle.

“We should.” Jin hums. It takes them another half an hour until they really move, untangling their bodies, shuddering in the general cold of his apartment, after cleaning themselves up yesterday they didn’t bother putting on more clothes than boxers before diving into sleep.

Just when Namjoon opens his fridge though, he remembers that it is empty. “I guess we have to order something.” He says over his shoulder, wanting to move when he feels Jin peeking over his shoulder with a surprised oh. 

“I think I have never seen a fridge this empty.” He sighs, sounding suspiciously endeared. 

“I don’t cook.” Namjoon mumbles, face heating up, a hand coming up to rub over his neck. 

“Why is that?” Jin has whipped out his phone, looking at the display with a frown before he seemingly dismisses whatever he has seen for later. 

“I’m clumsy and the chances to burn down the kitchen or the whole apartment aren’t slim enough for me to try it anyway.” 

“Not even the basics?” Jin looks at him with wide, curious eyes and Namjoon thinks he must look like a tomato by now, when he shakes his head, no. 

“Then I’m ordering us something.” He mumbles, diving back into his phone, leaving Namjoon to stand there and stare, not quite sure what to do now. 

He decides to go back into his bedroom, finding something that Jin could wear when he wants to, just to busy himself, while also trusting Jin fully with their breakfast. A big part of him didn’t think Jin would stay over so long, even wanting to eat with him, he thought it would rather be like him dressing and being out of his door in mere minutes, isn’t that how hook-ups usually work? Without all the cuddling and the eating together?

“Why are you frowning at your clothes?” Jin comes up beside him, having Namjoon jump slightly. 

“Nothing I just…” He shakes his head, waves his hand like an idiot, “nothing, doesn’t really matter.”

“It does when you look like the concept of a sweater is something disturbing for you.” Jin says softly, a hand coming up to take the sweater out of his hands to put it away somewhere beside him. 

He makes Namjoon look at him just as softly, “I don’t want that last night makes things between us awkward, but it will when we aren’t going to talk about it.” 

Namjoon sighs, averting his eyes and nodding, fumbling for words in his slightly overwhelmed brain. 

“I never did Hook-ups and I guess I just don’t know what to make of all this now.” He settles with, shrugging. Feeling lost when met with silence. 

“I understand.” Jin nods, Namjoon sees the motion in his peripheral vision, “I never did Hook-ups before too, and I hoped this wouldn’t turn out as one as well.” 

“Huh?” 

“Please tell me when I get overboard yeah?” Jin sighs, “I acted on a whim last night, but I don’t regret it. The night was good, more than good, but I would love for us to keep staying friends, as well as I would hope for a repeat when you’re up to it, when you aren’t that is fully fine with me, no hard feelings.” 

Namjoons head begins to spin, but not because he was pulled into negativity of any kind, but because it is probably the best outcome? If that makes sense?

“Like a friends with benefits thing?” 

“I don’t like that terminology, but yeah, basically a friends with benefits thing.” Jin shrugs, just slightly frowning, when Namjoon looks up again, meeting his Hyungs eyes. 

He probably should ask for some time to think about it, shouldn’t just nod like he finds himself doing, but he just knows hat his answer would be the same even when hours would be put between this and his answer. “Yeah, I think I would like that.” They are just adding to their friendship, there are no more than platonic feelings involved and when the chemistry, should it ever happen, not be on point anymore, or when something else happens, they could just stop and continue being friends like they did before, sounds like a win for him.

“You sure?”

“Yeah Hyung, I’m sure.”  

1071 Days

“How are you doing?” Yoongi was sitting across from him, sipping on his coffee, his eyes focused on the laptop on the desk between them, observing the slides of photos he asked to see, for some additional project. 

“I guess I can’t complain.” Namjoon shrugs, leaning back in his own chair. The last month has been… something, thats for sure. 

Work is going good, it is still busy, but he appreciates it that way and the company still makes sure that they all get enough rest in between, so its alright. Its not like he has a lot of things to do anyway when he isn’t working. 

But he did catch himself being with Seokjin more often, even on the days they would usually not see each other, but quick texts often evolve in quick meet ups, sometimes they are coming from him, sometimes its Seokjin who is asking. 

At first Namjoon has been worried if it really wouldn’t interfere with their friendship, but after somewhat a month he can say that it doesn’t, they are still talking and acting around each other like they always did, no matter of other people are around or if they are alone with each other. 

“Thats good.” Yoongi glances at him with a small smile. His eyes are brimming with a question Namjoon isn’t sure he wants to hear. 

“What are you doing for your birthday this year Hyung?” 

“Ahh nothing much.” The older shakes his head, shifting his whole attention towards Namjoon now. “Thought about sleeping in and maybe a small get together with a handful of friends.” 

“Sounds good.” 

“You’re also invited.” Yoongi says then. “I thought about inviting the band but also Hoseok.” The last name is mumbled, which has Namjoon nervously shuffling around in his chair, one of his legs beginning to bounce. 

“When you’re worried Hoseok and I could cause drama, you don’t have to. We are adults, we didn’t cause any drama these past two years we probably won’t start with it now.” Namjoon sighs, shrugging. 

Its true, whenever they are in the same room as the other they do their best to ignore each other, or act as civilly as they possibly can and go their separate ways as soon as possible. 

“Don’t you think its time to, I don’t know, try and talk this out?” 

Namjoon had thought about it plenty of times, especially when he remembers how close they used to be. 

“He made himself pretty clear that day.” Namjoon shakes his head, “I don’t see what a conversation should change about it.” 

“You two have always been too stubborn for your own good.” 

Namjoon doesn’t know if it particularly has something to do with stubbornness, thats why he just shrugs, not knowing what to answer. He still feels somewhat bad for putting Yoongi between them like that, but then he would never want the older to choose between them, and as long as he doesn’t try and force them to talk, Namjoon doesn’t really has something to complain about. 

“He just, he was worried about you, and I mean…” 

“I was worried as well, but I chose this path, I chose the consequences it came with, I could have used him in my corner, not against me just because he didn’t fully agreed with what I chose to do with my own life.” Namjoon sighs, his hands balling into fists.  

“Joon-ah.” Yoongi sounds like Namjoon feels, distressed. 

“No Hyung. I don’t see where this possibly should go. I’m doing what he asked me off and thats it. We are civil with each other. Like I said, we are adults that aren’t driven by drama. When you want me there at your birthday, fine, when you think it would add too much tension, I will stay home.” Namjoon shrugs, looking everywhere but at Yoongi. 

When the door opens before Yoongi can answer though, Namjoon releases a breath he didn’t know he was holding, relieved that the situation was over, at least for now. 

When he looks up he sees Jin standing in the doorway, looking between them like he can feel the tension of their conversation simmering in the room. His eyes flit over his Hyungs put together appearance, appreciating his handsomeness from afar. 

“Yoongi-ah, it seems like something went wrong with the schedule or something, at least the staff seems all over the place and I haven’t been able to get to the bottom of it.” The stress that seeped into Jin’s facial features becomes palpable for a moment, his body slumping from exhaustion for a split second. 

“Ah, I will go and figure it out.” Yoongi stands up. “Sit down for a moment.” He gestures for the older to get comfortable on the small sofa that stands leaning against one of the walls. A hand lands on Namjoons shoulder, making him look up. “I will message you.” 

“Sure Hyung.” 

He stays sitting when Yoongi goes out to look after the problem and Jin closes the door after him. Instead of the sofa though Seokjin comes over to him to plop down on Namjoons lap, straddling him, hands finding their way into his hair almost immediately, playing with the strands. 

“You look agitated.” 

“And you look stressed Hyung.” He sighs, leaning into the touch, his hands coming up to rest on Jins hips. 

“I am. Its the biggest uncoordinated circus in these halls today.” He giggles, voice high and airy. 

“I thought you thrive on these things.” 

“I do, but they are exhausting sometimes.” Namjoon hums, his eyes closing slowly, feeling way more relaxed now, with Seokjin by his side. “Now tell me, what has you so tensed up.” 

“Its nothing, Yoongi Hyung just invited me to his birthday get-together.” He sighs, his head falling onto Seokjins shoulder. 

“You really must not like the idea of going then.” Jin’s nails softly scratch his scalp which has Namjoon shuddering, shaking his head after a couple of too many seconds. 

“I would like to go, but that topic brought us to Hoseoks and my damaged what ever you can call it.” 

“Hmh.” Jin hums, “not an easy topic I guess.” 

“It isn’t. At least not for me. Its been nearly four years though.” Namjoon chuckles, time is such an irrational thing. He wasn’t elaborating though, feeling just slightly bad for it, but he wasn’t yet ready to open up since it would open so many more doors he isn’t ready to even look at yet. 

“Should you ever want to talk about it, you can always come to Hyung.” 

“Thank you.” Namjoon mumbles, tilting his head upwards, capturing Jins lips with his own, eliciting a surprised sound out of the older, which makes him smile but melt more into the older when he reciprocates the kiss. 

Namjoon has no clue if they are doing this friends with benefits thing the right way, but he wasn’t complaining at all, just wondering before the kiss evolves into many, into a full blown make out session. 

“Maybe,” Seokjin pants against his lips, their foreheads leaning against each other, both men trying to catch their breaths, “Yoongi should make you and Hoseok make hold hands.” 

“Hold hands?” Namjoon sputters. 

“Yeah. When the members are arguing about something I make them hold hands, it always does wonders.” Jin laughs.  

1065 Days

Namjoon is sitting in a private part of a rather expensive restaurant that Yoongi has booked. The food is good, delicious and the conversations are also alright even when he finds himself mostly quietly munching his food while listening and sometimes nodding along.

Placed between Seokjin, who has put a hand onto Namjoons thigh beneath the table where it is seen by no one and Yoongi who is chatting away with all his guests almost simultaneously, the most lively he has seen the older be in a while. 

Its busy and his head swims slightly with all the voices talking all over each other, which is why he solely focuses on the food on his plate and the hand on his thigh that is grounding him somehow.

That is why he startles when he hears his name getting called out. “Huh?” His eyes flit around quickly before they settle on Yoongi who, like everyone else on the table, looks at him. 

“I asked if you want to go karaoke with us afterwards?” Namjoon really doesn’t want to, but Yoongi looks at him somewhat pleadingly and it is his birthday after all, isn’t it? An hour or two more won’t hurt and he can always just sit in the back, watching the others. 

He shrugs, “yeah, why not.” Yoongi smiles at him, hearing him say that, full blown gummy smile and the hand on his thigh getting heavier, reassuring, squeezing it. When he glances up again, a couple of minutes later, the conversations have dragged on to other topics, he unintentionally meets Hoseoks eyes, who looks at him somewhat constipated, a mix of surprise and judging glances with a little bit of skepticism.   

He averts his eyes again.
“Everything alright?” Jin asks next to him, his voice low like it is supposed to just reach Namjoons ears and not everybody else's as well.

“Yeah I’m alright Hyung.” He mumbles, his own hand briefly coming to rest above Jins.

When he later sits in a (not) quiet corner of the booth they are in, listening to the band rocking to one of the classics and watching them jumping around like it is nothing (it isn’t, at least for them) he sips on a bottle of beer, humming quietly along to the songs, his leg bouncing to the rhythm. 

A couple of minutes later Jin falls onto the bench next to him, his head briefly coming to rest on Namjoons shoulder, before he leans forward, taking a sip of the bottle he had grabbed from the table, trying to catch his breath with a big smile.

“I want to do a song with you.” The older says, leaning against him even more. 

“I’m not a good singer.” Namjoon laughs, glad that the lightning is rather dim and probably hiding the red that seeps into his cheeks with the question.

“This is karaoke, it doesn’t matter if you can or cannot sing, its about having fun.” Jin nods at the small free patch of flooring they declared a stage, where Hoseok and Jimin are jumping around breathless, trying to catch up to the lyrics that are way faster than their laughter tumbled voices could be right now. 

He takes another big sip of his beer, almost emptying it in one go, when Yoongi bumps into him from his other side. “Come on Joon-ah, I just know the perfect song.” He laughs. 

And when he stumbles onto the cleared floor a couple of songs later, ignoring the stares and howl's and whistles while he gives his best during the song Yoongi chose for them, doubling over in his own laughter, jumping around with Jin, trying to match his energy, he thinks it isn’t the worst, and that maybe, he has missed it all along.  

1034 Days

Namjoon was hurrying through the hallways of the company building, he is late for the studio session the band has this morning. Meeting up with some producers to hopefully make some progress with the album they are worrying about these days. 

From what Jin has told him they had their fair share of complications until now, even though they haven’t even finished recording half of the songs that are planned for it. The company has its problems but the band doesn’t care, saying that it is even more important now than it has ever been to be themselves, to get their messages across for their fans. 

To tell them that they are alright how they are, that they are lovable even when they don’t believe in it, that society is just a construct that they need to break out of in order to transform it into something better, something worth living in for all of the humans and animals, every alive being. 

When Namjoon doesn’t mistake it, the whole situation with the company disagreeing and trying them to mellow it down for their own image and the talk about bad press and sensible times and politics have nothing to do with art and their music specifically, is going on for a while now. 

And while the band wasn’t discussing it openly yet with anyone that isn’t their closest circle, it was evident in the tense atmosphere that they are radiating whenever they are working on the album, which, these days, is all the time.

It also has Seokjin call him sometimes multiple times a week, to blow of some steam or sometimes even just to sit in silence somewhere. Namjoon doesn’t really care what it is that they are doing specifically, he enjoys his Hyungs company whenever. 

He rounds a corner, looking at his wrist watch, already fumbling with the camera in his hands to find the right settings he thinks are the best for today, stressing about the time and his alarm that hasn’t gone off because, maybe, he forgot to set it last night alltogether. 

Thirty minutes and a dozen of calls from Yoongi unanswered on his phone, asking where he is since he told the older just yesterday evening that he would be there today, later and he finally made it to the company and into the right hallway, searching for the right door, just to be grabbed by the shoulder and dragged into another room that is just dimly lit and not the room he originally wanted to already be at.

His back hits the door, but before he can get a word or even a tone out in his irritation a hand presses over his mouth, a body presses up against his own and after a couple of seconds of blinking in confusion he is able to make out Jin in front of him, looking utterly distressed. His hair a birds nest at best, his Hawaiian shirt wrinkled, dark circled under his eyes that definitely haven’t been there when they went their separate ways yesterday afternoon.

“Hymmg?” He tries to ask, but the hand above his mouth is making it difficult. 

“I’m sorry Joonie.” Jin slowly pulls his hand away, resting it on his shoulder instead. Namjoon was holding on to Jins waist with one hand, holding his camera with the other, frowning at the older. 

“Whats going on?” 

“I’m hiding.” Jin whispers, looking around like someone was with them in the vacated room they are standing in.

“I figured.” He whispers back, “but why?” 

“Big boss already went after me and I just escaped. I just need a second or a million before I can go out there.” 

Its not often that he has seen Jin like that, never is the better observation though. Sure, stress is catching up on his Hyung like it does on every human being, sometimes he catches him in moments of silence, looking just as exhausted as he must feel, but never was he hiding like that, looking as exhausted as he does right now, ready to hide from the world while he usually would hold his head high and get it over with, able to adjust in every situation he is getting put in. 

When he has to blindly say something, he would assume that it is more than just the big boss chasing him before the day even began to discuss a matter they haven’t been able to agree on for months now. 

But Jin wasn’t looking like he would be opening up about it any time soon and neither like he really has the time for it, they both don’t have it when they hear the commotion on the other side of the door and the vibration of his phone in his pockets, probably Yoongi who wants to ask him where he is and what it is that takes him so long again.

“Alright.” Namjoon mumbles, his forehead meeting Jins his eyes closing, ready to ignore the busy world for a while, no matter the consequences when it is what Jin needs right now. 

The hand that was holding his Hyungs hip was coming around to circle his waist, pulling him closer, making him rely on Namjoon more. He is content like this, hopes Jin is able to get the breather he needs, even when it isn’t much that he can do for the older right now. 

He is in the process to open his mouth to ask him what he needs, but a soft, plush pair of lips restrict him from doing so when they press against his own with a desperation Namjoon isn’t sure he just imagines. 

They kiss for a while, softly, slowly, like they have all the time in the world, like it is all they need. Until the vibration of his phone becomes insistent, until the searching voices become too loud in his back, through the door, almost panicked, until they need to get more than just a quick ounce of air into their lungs, the world, the day pressing down on them accusatorily. 

“Thank you.” 

“I did nothing Hyung.” 

“You are you, you are here, thats enough Joonie.” 
“Coffee? Later?” 

“I’d love to.” And with that, in a quiet second that seems already a rarity for the day, they slip out, pretending that nothing happened and that they just ran into each other, getting caught up in a conversation they didn’t really have yet. 

998 Days

“Namjoon!”

He stops in his tracks, tempted to not do so, since he doesn’t have the emotional capacity for this, at least not today out of all days. Hoseok has a bad timing. 

“Namjoon!” His fierce voice is right behind him now, cutting the voices talking above and around each other in the practice room. Jeongguk has asked him a few days ago if he could make it to todays practice, since it was some special thing they like to do for their fans every now and then, he had said yes, against his better knowledge that he most likely would be a wreck. But this is his job and a couple of hours didn’t hurt him he had thought, how should he have known that it is the exact same day Hoseok decides to come forward and address the angrily heated gazes he is sending towards Namjoon for a while now. 

Somehow they manage to ignore each other but after Yoongis birthday a couple of months ago the glances that went over Namjoons head before have transformed into angry ones that he can’t quite pin point on what he has done that he earned them. 

“Not today Hoseok.” He says, still with his back towards the older, a hand running over his face, through his hair.

“I just have a question, I won’t hinder you from running away for long.” Hoseoks voice is cold like ice, no trace left of the usual sunny and cheerful tone that has made itself at home in his former friends vocal cords. 

He waits until the last human has left the practice room before he slightly turns around, just to be able to look at Hoseok, who stands straight, arms crossing his chest, face neutral but eyes simmering with anger. Namjoon nods, “then ask.” He sighs.

“What is going on between you and Jin, and now don’t say nothing, I have seen you two.” 

“Then I say it is not your business.” He wants to turn around to finally flee the scene but a hand on his shoulder stops him from doing so. 

“Jin is worth more than being the damn side piece. I never thought you could become this shitty of a human being. Claiming to love Jisung so much that you destroyed our friendship over it but now dragging Jin along like I would stay calm and let it happen like that.” 

Namjoon just blinks at him for a moment. He hasn’t realized how hurt he still is by something that happened almost four years ago now. 

“I thought I destroyed our friendship by going away and doing something I deemed necessary back then, not because of who I loved. But I should have guessed that, didn’t I? That Jisung,” He needs to take a deep, shaky breather, “would be your main focus, that he, for you, would be the root of our very problem, because of whatever dispute you and him had.” 

Namjoon just wants to climb back into his bed. 

“I’m not finished yet,” he sighs, holding a hand up as soon as Hoseok seems to want to say something. “You’re right. Jin deserves better than being a side piece, which he, for your information, isn’t. But the very root of my and Jins relationship isn’t your business. I can’t and won’t deprive you from caring about him, though, he needs good friends.” 

Namjoon averts his eyes to the floor, turns around. This day, this situation was robbing him energy he doesn’t have. As well as this wasn’t the very base of a conversation on eye level like they would need it to be. 

“When you care about them both like you claim you do, why are you such an asshole to them? Why are you such an asshole towards Jin? Are you just doing it out of boredom? Out of spite? For the money? Is Jisung in on it? I wouldn’t be the least surprised if this fucker would be the sole reason you are dragging Jin along like this.”   

A chuckle tumbles from Namjoons lips, lifeless, cold, his hands ball into fists at his sides. “I didn’t know I give off that much materialistic bitch vibes to you, but whatever. And I don’t know if Jisung is in on it, if he approves of how I live my life now, its hard to reach people in the afterlife.” 

He doesn’t stay behind to witness his words settling down in the room between him and Hoseok, he doesn’t stay behind to await any form of reaction or to turn around and see Hoseoks facial expression change into some of shock when the meaning of his words get processed. He doesn’t stay behind to acknowledge the two people that have silently tumbled through the door while Hoseok and he were talking, waiting for just the right moment to chime in. 

Instead he flees, his legs carrying him through the hallways and outside of the building, running through the city, until he, hours later, with burning and red eyes, finally climbs into his bed, curling beneath his blanket, concentrating on his breathing only, until it evens out eventually.   

996 Days

He stares at his door like it would magically open itself or like he could will whoever was standing on the other side, to turn around and leave him alone again. 
But neither happens which leads to another set of knocks, almost rhythmically rattling the wood of his door. 

“Joon-ah, come on, I know that you’re home.”

Namjoon grumbles to himself when he gets up from where he sat on his sofa, leaving the book still open on the coffee table. No one has to know that he can’t concentrate enough to read even one paragraph. 

“Who told you I’m home?” He asks through the door, he wasn’t living in a fancy building with a front desk, like Jin does, neither has he ever seen one of his neighbors safe of the old woman a level beneath him that is always going on about the trash. 

“A small bird.” Jins voice echoes through the hallway with a small chuckle attached to it. 

Namjoon huffs, his hand closing in on the cold metal of the door handle.

“I brought food?” Jins voice is muffled. “From your favorite place around the corner.” 

Namjoon opens the door, just slightly, just enough to look at Jin who stands on the other side through a small gap, a plastic bag in one hand and a sports bag in the other. He looks like he just has fallen out of bed, hair tousled, clothes randomly put together, even though its already late afternoon and Namjoon knows for a fact that they have had some important schedules today. 

When the older notices the small gap he smiles, holding up the plastic bag with their food, the smell escaping it deliciously, mouth watering. His empty stomach answers with a loud grumble sound, reminding him that he hasn’t eaten at all today. 

“Alright, come in.” He sighs. Jin had him in the palm of his hand the latest with his favorite food but the earliest with him showing up even though he must be beyond exhausted.

“I worried about you Joon-ah.” The plastic bag lands on the kitchen counter and the other one gets discarded on the floor, and before Namjoon is able to close the door fully, he is pulled into an almost bone crushing hug. 

He gives the door a small (strong) shove, closing it while reciprocating the hug he craved for days now, pushing his face into the crook of Jins neck, ignoring everything else that isn’t this peaceful moment. 

“Come on.” The older shoves him back by the shoulder, just lightly, softly. “Sit down, I get us everything.” Namjoon just nods, follows his Hyungs words, grabbing the bag on his way, before plopping down on the sofa, where he has sat since morning, his camera equipment all over the coffee table, his laptop on the floor. 

He pushes the camera aside, into its bag, as well as all the lenses laying around, before he splays out their food, patiently waiting for his Hyung to fall onto the sofa next to him. They eat in silence, a dreading part, even if it is small, thought that Jin would ask questions, he is almost sure he has them, since he and Yoongi witnessed his and Hoseoks talk a couple of days ago. But, Jin doesn’t ask, he munches away on his own food, until the silence seems to get too loud for him and he begins to babble about the past few days, about the recent shoots, about the progress they are finally seem to make, about the thought of breaking the contract with their company, eventually building their own, or searching for something else. 

They are sitting (more like cuddling) on the sofa, some random Netflix show running on his Laptop that they are more or less watching. He can’t say if Jin is really invested in what the actors are creating on the screen. But for himself he can say that he has no clue what this show is about, he didn’t even catch the names of the main characters. 

His mind is running ever since they finished eating, even before that it was running in all possible directions, pulling and pushing at him, make him choke on words he didn’t think he would ever feel the need to speak out loud, no matter if it would be into the void of his own home or towards Jin or any other human that is close to him, eventually.

In the end it has him unfocused at his surroundings, while Jins head rests on his shoulder and his own hand plays with the soft strands of Jins hair. 

“Hoseok and I have been friends since college.” He mumbles the words, his brain not even realizing that he does so in the first few seconds, until Jin moves enough to look at him, but says nothing. 

“Since the first day I counted him to one of my closest friends, someone I could talk to about absolutely everything. We did this rap thing together, he, Yoongi Hyung and I. It has been a dream next to what we were pursuing, since we all knew how unlikely it would be to make real money out of that passion.”

He doesn’t know where he is going with his words, why he is talking about it anyway, it has been years. It shouldn’t be important anymore? 

“Yoongi Hyung and Hoseok have always had their thing going on and eventually I got to know Jisung.” He has to stop there, his mind wandering of, his tongue feeling heavy with the name he has spoken out loud so often until he didn’t. His heart tumbles with pain, fresh but old at the same time. 

“I don’t need a reason.” Seokjin says, voice soft, like he is afraid it could shatter Namjoon if he says something more, something with more weight, more force. 

“I know, but I think I need to talk about it.” 

“Then I will listen.” Jin settles again, arms coming around Namjoons waist, holding him as best as he can in their confusing but comfortable position on his sofa.

“Jisung and I, we hit it of instantly, he became a constant in our former group of three, and eventually he and I fell in love. He was a photography major just like I was, specializing in photojournalism. He wanted to see the world, through his eyes and the camera lens, it was his passion, the one dream he was set to follow. He wanted to tell stories through his photographs, the truth, wanted to bring the good and the bad, the reality of things, of life around us, towards the people, wanted them to see and maybe even understand.” 

“While I love what I do now, to some extent, it has never been my passion like music has been. But I understood him and he understood me, we would have followed each other, would have even waited, would have made the room and the compromises that would it have taken to make this work. We wanted a future with each other, we have been happy.” 

So many memories of them, of the years they have spent together are welling up, occupying his mind for a couple of minutes until he can clear them a little bit. 
“We eventually all graduated, went out into the adult life, took jobs that matched our profession and eventually this rap thing went down into the drain. I have to say that I, out of the three of us has taken it the hardest. Yoongi has been offered a solo thing that he, why ever, declined, but he stayed in the industry as a producer and a manager after all. Hoseok took it lightly, dancing has always been his biggest passion and he went after exactly that. But I have found myself at a loss somehow.”

“I struggled with life in general and especially with the loss of my dreams, I manage it now, its been a lot of years. A couple of years later, our group of four was barely hanging on. Simply because of this adult life but especially because for whatever reason, Jisung and Hoseok were arguing at any given chance. Always about trivial things, they didn’t make sense for me. They have been friends, have been close but from one night to the other they became nothing more than acquaintances at best. Neither of them wanted to talk about it though.” 

He shrugs, till today he has no clue what happened between them that they resented each other so much in the end, that it affected them all.

“A few months later Jisung and I got an offer, we have combined our work to some extend, like we did almost everything back then. We had the chance to document for the ministry of National Defense’s agency remains excavation and investigation team. Had the chance to document their important work and the consequences the war has on us until today in addition.” 

He sighs, it has been such an important task, but the photos he and Jisung took are still sitting in a folder on his hard drive, not being touched or offered to the public. 

“We agreed immediately, there hasn’t even been a discussion, we knew how important it was and that it was an honor to be chosen to execute it. It was something we had to leave for, for a little while though and when I went and told Hoseok, shit hit the fan. He didn’t like that I would go away, not because he doesn’t think the job wasn’t important but because he thought it was my way of running away and that it was Jisung who would encourage me to do stupid shit. He barely let me talk after he got to know that Jisung and I are both assigned for the job, he went of on him, said a lot of bullshit and when I made my way out of the door he hit me with a “don’t come crying to me when it goes badly”. I didn’t.” 

“We went away just a couple of days later. The team we worked with wasn’t big and our job was easy, somehow, when not considering all the shit we have seen and all the things we have heard, all the stories that have been just screamed into the void until then. It has been a lot of sorrow and grief and even the brightest days appeared dull. Luckily Jisung and I had each other to relay on.” 

“It has been a few months into the job. The group split in half and we did too, we already done that multiple times, it wasn’t a big deal.” Namjoon says, his voice barely above a whisper, he hasn’t ever talked about that day specifically. 

He can feel Jins arms tighten around him, thankfully so.

“We assumed we would meet each other again in the kitchen of the small apartment that we got assigned to. It had been a rainy day and I didn’t felt all too well, not because I became sick or something, there has just been something in the air I guess, but I pushed it away and after I said goodbye to Jisung I went with my part of the group. Took some shots and listened to the veterans we visited that day. 

“It must have been around afternoon when the call arrived. I watched the head of the group take it, and see all colour drain from his face instantly. Everything after that is mostly a blur though. Apparently, the site that the other group visited wasn’t secure enough and they fell into an accident. Two died immediately, three had to be brought to the hospital severely injured. They made it though.” 

Namjoon doesn’t realize that he is shaking, doesn’t realize the tears that were slowly making their way down his cheeks, into the fabric of his sweater. 

“I had to identify him and…” He has to gulp, the moment still clear in front of his eyes, still haunting him at night. 

“Lets just say I wouldn’t want to remember him like this would I have had the chance not to. I loved him a lot.” He can just whisper the last part. The pain is still fresh, even when it became somewhat duller over the three years it have been now. 

“I’m so sorry Joon-ah.” Jin has entangled himself, now cradling Namjoons face with his hands, trying to brush away the tears that are still flowing down his cheeks. 

“You don’t need to be. Its been three years. But it still hurts. I, we imagined a future together, its nothing to leave behind easily.” He sighs after a while, sinking into Jins feather light touch, soaking it all up. 

“I guess I, in some way, made peace with it. Its nothing I can change anyway. It just still hurts, like it will always do so, I loved him and no one you have loved is forgotten easily. He will always have a place in my heart, but eventually I have also seen that I have to move on in some way.” He mumbles, “I guess I try my best.” 

Jin holds him tight, hums, and Namjoon holds Jin tight as well. They aren’t speaking for a while, but eventually Namjoons breathing evens out some more, his thoughts quiet down and his heart becomes lighter. 

Its true, in the time that has flowed down the river and all the lonely nights, he thinks he has managed just fine, he is doing his best, even when it sometimes catches him still, even when it is sometimes still not enough for some people, who say that he should finally stop grieving. 

But thats it, isn’t it? There is no right date or time to stop grieving the people that were close, that you loved so deeply and he wasn’t trying to get approved of other peoples believes according to that, but what he is doing is to further live his life, even when he often finds himself at a loss, but that is normal too. 

933 Days

“You ready?” Jin pulls him out of his thoughts with his question, makes him startle, even jump slightly. He hasn’t seen the older approach while waiting for everyone being ready to take of. 

Its still the middle of the night (5AM but it still technically is the middle of the night). They have gathered in the lobby of the company with their luggage, all of them still half asleep, most of them, because some of the staff flits around like they haven’t slept at all though. He would be a lot more impressed about that would he be more awake. 

He arrived here an hour ago, with his packed bags for the, this year, three weeks vacation which of two will be filmed for the show they have already filmed for a year ago and the additional week they all took to get some real rest, without any cameras present. He had to pack so much more than he normally would because, for the first time in years, he chose to fly out of the country on his own, and not for work at all, just to see something different without the stress of getting shit done in his back. 

“As ready as I can be.” He yawns, “Whats with you Hyung?” He blinks at the older, who looks a lot more awake than he should, after the night they just had. Jins laugh echoes around them, light and airy, bubbly. 

“I’m ready for these holidays for a while now.” The older puts his arm around Namjoons shoulders, pulls him closer than they have already been standing, not minding some of the weird looks they get from the staff around them. 

“Hyung!” A force makes the two men stumble when Taehyung crashes into Seokjins other side, arm around his waist, still sleepy, eyes barely open when he cuddles into Jins shoulder, which makes the older look down and cradle his head endeared.

The other two are following immediately, crashing into Jin and Namjoon, who feels a bit suffocated when Jeongguk pulls him into the hugging puddle like he is a part of their little bubble. Just a second later Yoongi crushes into his side. “Morning Joon-ah.” He mumbles, his head just slightly resting against his shoulder, the dark circles under his eyes a dead give away that he hasn’t had much sleep either.

He gives himself up, cuddles further into Seokjin, anticipating the next three weeks and the breather he hopes he will get as well.

It doesn’t take long after that until they finally are able to put their luggages into the trunks of the cars they will be taking and are huddling more or less on the seats they are assigned to for the next hours. 

Namjoon, somehow, takes a seat next to Seokjin, his head falling onto his Hyungs shoulder, eyes closing, he is asleep even before they have left the garage. 

929 Days

The sun is way too hot for his liking. Its barely afternoon, but Namjoon already feels like he will dissolve into a puddle if he has to stand in the sun for a minute longer, sadly he has wandered off from the camp site, along the lake, alone and with no shadow in sight, the main house too far to spend any kind of shadows.

He lets himself fall into the grass tired of walking, his feet plunging into the cool water, giving him at least a little bit the chance to cool down enough to make this summer heat bearable.

He has left his camera in his room when he decided to take a small walk around the property, since its this after lunch drowsiness that has everyone in a tight hug, which puts most of the band members and staffs to rest somewhere around the main house. 

Namjoon just sits there for a while, staring out onto the lake, enjoying the silence, but thinking that maybe he should have brought a book or something. 

“Can I sit next to you?” Namjoon gets startled by the voice, when he looks up at the person asking, he sees Hoseok, looking unsure with his own question, like the words spilled before he had the chance to think about them properly. 

Namjoon thinks about saying no, telling him there are plenty of other free strips of land where the older could retreat to, but let it be the heat or the situation between them that is going on for so long now, but he is tired of it, so he simply nods, averting his gaze towards the lake again, now a bit less relaxed. 

They sit in silence, staring onto the water. 

“I never wanted it to turn out like this.” He hears Hoseok mumble at some point, Namjoon wants to but he doesn’t look at the older. “And I want to apologize.” The older say, louder, but sounding beaten. 

“Looking back at it, the argument I had with Jisung has been stupid. I knew it when it first came up and I feel even more stupid now.” The older sighs. 
“I think I have always been jealous when it came to the relationship you two had, because with you two it always looked so easy, like there is no need for arguments or overly complicated feelings that have me constipated and running on the same patch for literally years now. I think at some point I just assumed or hoped that there has to be something sketchy going on between you and when I confronted Jisung about it and he told me repeatedly that there, in fact, isn’t anything going on that would have me worried, I just got pissed, I couldn’t understand.”

“When you told me you two are going away for that job, I thought you were running away from the struggles I knew you had and instead of supporting you and being the friend you needed I let my feelings run wild and decided wrongly to go with them instead of looking at the situation and see how it has really been.” 

Namjoon does glance at the older now, he doesn’t really know what to do of this situation now though. 

“When I saw you and Jin together that one day I think I just felt justified in what I thought, or maybe even wanted for you and your relationship with Jisung, but I didn’t want for you to string Jin along in such a mess. I have been so incredible stupid all this time to not see my feelings for what they are and to be stubborn enough to justify it in front of myself all the time even though I knew how wrong I was.”

Namjoon now fully looks at Hoseok, while the words stand in the air between them, where Namjoon lets them be for some time, trying to figure out what he has just heard. 

“You have been stupid, incredibly so.” He hears himself say at some point. “Jisung and I’s relationship has always been build on love and trust, but sure there have been arguments, sometimes all the time, smaller ones, bigger ones, but I think what it is that made the difference is that we came together and talked it out afterwards. Both of us desperate to make it work in the best way possible for the both of us.”

“The feeling of love itself is easy, but the things around it are often a lot more complicated, but with that love involved it wants to make you work these things out to make it work between you, to be with whom you desire to be with, at least it has been that way for me. It has always been evident that you and Yoongi Hyung had have something going on that travels on a way more complicated lane, but to put me and Jisung in a place that takes the blame for everything you’re feeling even when it doesn’t belong with us was and still is wrong.” 

Namjoon sighs, his shoulders sinking down, giving up every fiber of defense he has wanted to hold up, his eyes stay on the water in front of them, shimmering in the sun. 

“It hurt a lot, hearing all those things from you, a person I considered one of the closest to me.” He stands up, slowly, carefully. “I appreciate you talking to me now though.”

He heads back to the main house slowly, thinking about it. 

“Will you be able to forgive someday?” 

Looking over his shoulder to where Hoseok still stands he says: “I don’t know yet, just the time can tell I guess.” His voice is dripping with honesty, and while a part of himself really wants to try and forgive Hoseok, he isn’t sure if he can after all those years, but he is willing to work on it, if he sees Hoseok putting the same effort into it. There still is a lot that they need to talk about, really talk about in depth, no matter how hurting it is for the both of them, trust isn’t something that is given but earned after all.   

But he is glad that one of them has finally taken the first step, even when it is the result of an (maybe unfair) outburst a month ago. 

879 Days

“I’m sorry I am late!” Namjoon stumbles into the practice room that is, what he just realizes now, dark and quiet like it was housing no one. Which shouldn’t be the case according to the schedule he has received just a few days ago and the non-existent message on his phone telling him something got canceled or pushed to another time or another room than their usual one. 

He frowns into the dark before he finds a light switch, putting it on, to see that no one is there, except for him and his reflection in the mirror and a paper pinned next to it. 

He gets close to read it, hoping to find some information as to where he can find the band, but all that he sees is a drawing of a rooftop that he blinks at for longer than probably necessary, before he turns around and makes his way up fiddling nervously with the band hanging from his bag and frowning because it makes no sense for the band to practice on the rooftop. 

When he finally pushes the door open he is greeted by the band, Yoongi and even Hoseok, singing happy birthday towards a confused Namjoon, because (with a quick look at his phone to confirm the date) he just has forgotten his own birthday. 

“Thank you.” He says, blushing at the attention when he gets hugged from them all (Hoseok standing back in the background, nodding awkwardly) and blowing out the candles on a small cake he laughs about himself silently, grinning towards the others feeling warmth spread all over him at being thought at. 

“We don’t have much time, but we also didn’t want you to think we have forgotten about it.” 

“I, myself have forgotten about it.” Namjoon mumbles waving it off. They all sat down, eating a slice of cake in a little bit of hurry, the clock ticking with the next appointment right around the corner. 

When they have no other choice but to hurry to their next appointment Jin holds him back by the arm, whispering into his ears. “Come over tonight? I cook?” 

“I’d love to Hyung.” 

He has been over at Jins place more than a handful of times by now, even though they are more often at Namjoons apartment, Jin claiming its much quieter there, they can be found here from time to time as well, especially when they are meeting up after an appointment that has been closer to Jins home than his own and they are tired from the day. 

Its why he doesn’t need to stop at the front desk anymore, which is why he politely gets greeted by the staff, waving at him and smiling.

When he knocks at Jins door, (he could open it himself with the pass code, but he doesn’t like that) he can already hear the soft music coming from the other side and his Hyungs voice accompanying it, which makes him smile involuntarily, a giddy feeling spreading in his tummy.

“Joonie!” Jin pulls him into his apartment shortly after, looking at him slightly scolding, “Why did I gave you my Pass code when you aren’t using it?” He pouts and Namjoon, without thinking about it twice, just leans forward pecking his Hyungs lips. 

“I just like when you open the door for me Hyung.” He chuckles, receiving a playful shove against his chest for it.

“Just keep going like this and you aren’t getting any of your presents.” Jin grumbles, walking away into his kitchen without waiting for Namjoon who scrambles to loose his shoes and putting them onto the shoe rack before stumbling after him. 

“Presents?” He says, eagerly. Not that he wanted anything, and that Jin was cooking for him was already more than enough, but the prospect of getting any at all additionally was making him feel giddy anyway. 

“No.” Jin shakes his head, regulating the music down just slightly before he sirs the seaweed soup he cooked, one last time. 

“But Hyung.” Namjoon leans over the counter, trying his best puppy eyes but Jin avoids looking at him, still pouting, at least that is until Namjoon comes around, catching him and kissing his pout away. 

“You’re unbelievable.” 

“Maybe.” Namjoon laughs, helping his Hyung set up the table with the remaining things. 

And maybe, he does receive a present or two, containing of a koala plush and equipment for his camera that has him reeling, because it isn’t cheap by any means. Maybe he even tries to argue about it, just to get absolutely wrecked by his Hyung, (in the best way possible though). 

825 Days

This year, Namjoon isn’t as lucky as he has been the past two regarding the Halloween party, which is why he, with his camera, stands in a not so busy corner clothed in a costume that he has found in a box in the storage room. The only one available of something he can’t quite name, because he has no clue what it should be and also is at least one number in size too little for him, which makes it even more uncomfortable for him. 

But the clock doesn’t say that it already is appropriate to leave, the band hasn’t even arrived yet and he hopes they have bailed so that he can too, in half an hour at the latest, do the same. 

They arrive around fifteen minutes later, all four of them clothed in “old” concept clothes that they had before Namjoon began working for them. Fallen angels, this time around with mostly black (and revealing) clothes and a lot more chains than Namjoon remembers the original costumes to have had. They are clinking with every step they take and the wings they are wearing are big enough that the people around them have to actively step aside to not get hit accidentally. 

The two youngest of the band are on a straight way towards the bar, giggling with each other, Jimin follows them after a quick exchange of words (at least thats what Namjoon assumes) and Jin looks around before their eyes lock and he comes over, barely caring about the slow dancing people that he crosses on his way.

His wings block out almost every pair of eyes that are following him when he comes to a halt in front of him, and now it is Namjoon who is chuckling, especially when he is met with the suffering expression his Hyung is sporting. 

“You look gorgeous Hyung.” 

“Thank you Joon-ah.” The smile he receives is bright and honest and sweet. “Its the least that I can do.” 

Namjoon grabs the drink he hasn’t even nipped at since he has gotten it from the bar, small pearls swimming in it, probably trying to resemble eyeballs. He gives it to Jin, who looks at him thankfully, before taking a big gulp of it just to “Bah.” He shudders. “I may like sweet drinks but this isn’t more than sugar on sugar.” 

The glass lands on a small windowsill to not be looked at for the rest of the night. 

“You look…” Jin says after a while, looking Namjoon up and down, eyes stopping at his midriff, that is exposed thanks to the too small size of his costume. “Good, but like you’re potentially have trouble breathing.” 

The elders fingers follow the path his eyes have taken before. Fingertips traveling above his exposed skin, goosebumps erupting where their skin meets, he has to suppress a shudder, when Jins fingers travel beneath the shirt, just slightly, just to pinch the fabric and drag it away from his chest (its barely possible to do so). 

His breath hitches when the material snaps back into place, their eyes meeting the mood around them changing slightly with a possible promise. 

“What do you think, when is it appropriate to leave this party?” 

If Namjoon would have the chance to answer, he would have said immediately, desperate himself to go home, preferably with his Hyung, but he doesn’t get the chance when Yoongi, visibly exhausted, squeezes himself through the small gap Jins wings have left open. 

“An hour, at least, you just arrived. Unbelievable that the other three have asked me the same just a minute ago.” He groans exasperated. 

“Technically I asked Joonie, it shouldn’t count.” 

“I don’t get why the company wants to have you here at all when it is evident that neither of you wants to be.” Yoongi ignores Jins comment, leaning his small frame next to Namjoon against the wall. 

“Because the company wants them as their face, they make the greatest numbers, and these events aren’t just for the company and the staff but for other groups, sponsors and the public as well.” Namjoon shrugs. 

“When they want us as their face, they should step back with these overwhelming demands.” Jin mumbles under his breath, but they hear it anyway. 

Yoongi and he exchange a look, both full of words they can’t speak out loud in an environment like this, not when some of the press are coming over in right that moment, looking eager for something they can spin into a story, may it be good or bad (probably the latter, sadly people like scandals more than the truth). 

“Just an hour Hyung.” He mumbles, grabbing his arm briefly, to reassure him with a small smile as soon as he has his full attention. 

Just an hour.   

800 Days

The wind is cold, cold enough to uncomfortably cut into their skin, even though they are bundled up to their noses. 

Its the end of November, the first Christmas lights and decorations are already out and the first markets are offering seasonal foods and things like decorations. 

Namjoon just has wanted to walk around the market that is held not that far from his home, maybe even capture some moments with his camera, eat some food and look through the things that are offered. 

He didn’t expect of running into the band, that, just as bundled up, were excitedly searching through the goods at one of the stands he was coming by. “Joonie Hyung!” Taehyung flings himself at him, brings the two of them stumbling backwards, just a strong arm in his back prevents them from falling. 

Jins typical laugh reaches his ear, while he waits patiently until Namjoon stands steady on his feet again and also until Taehyung was standing on his own feet as well, laughing about it all. 

Namjoon grins, even when he isn’t sure it is visible beneath the mask and the woolen scarf. 
“How are you four doing?” They all are on a small break before the hustle of the Holidays begin, like a calm before the storm so to speak, which resulted in him not having seen the three youngest for a couple of days by now. 

“We are doing great.” Jimin chuckles, his eyes forming crescent moons. “We just heard about this little market and wanted to check it out.” 

“Don’t listen to them, Taehyung dragged us out!” Jin whispers (loudly) at his side, his hand still lightly placed on Namjoons lower back. 

“We, originally, wanted to stay on Jin Hyungs sofa, watching Christmas movies.” 

“Don’t even say it Hyung, its never too early for Christmas movies!” Taehyung has his finger pressed to Jins (hidden under a scarf) mouth before he can even attempt on saying something.
“Do you have something to do after this stroll?” 

“Yeah, do you want to come back with us to watch the movies?” 

“Hyung even cooks! And maybe we can call Hoseok Hyung and Yoongi Hyung over as well!” 

“Would you ask me about it as well?” Jin huffs, not really upset but quite endeared and chuckling under his breath, his shoulders slightly shaking at Namjoons side. 

“Please Hyung.” The three are giving their best puppy eyes towards Jin, who lifts his hands in surrender, mumbling “I would have called them anyway.” Before he louder says: “Fine, fine, just don’t look at me like that!” 

And just like that Namjoon spends his day on the Christmas market and after it with a hot chocolate in front of him, at Jins apartment with his friends that are mostly very loud of their excitement for Christmas movies.

Chapter Text

755 Days

The new year already starts bumpy, which isn’t that good of a prediction of how the next months will likely go.

Namjoon is over at Jins, has slept over since it has gotten fairly late the night before and the older didn’t want him to walk home in the middle of the night with a snow storm bristling through the city.

The world behind the windows is covered in white and as Namjoon is able to see it, everything has come to a halt, the day barely began, mostly still dark but the streetlights trying to reach high with their lights.

He cuddles deeper into the sheets, pulls Jin nearer and basks in the heat he radiates, while tracing his features softly, fingers painting small patterns over the skin of Jins back. The older looks more relaxed than he has seen him in a while, features soft, cheeks slightly read, lips parted with small puffs of air escaping them. 

He doesn’t want to look away or even move at all, its just so comfortable right now, a small part of peace in the turbulent past days they have had. 

The album that the band was preparing for for literal months now, and that should have come out in less than a month has gotten canceled by the company, out of seemingly nowhere without speaking with the band or at least Yoongi at all. 

It has the band stressed out beyond believe, angry and frustrated and asking why they are even staying when nothing was going like it should and when all the things they beforehand agreed on with the company gets ignored and dismissed all the time.

The fans also, who have anticipated the new album since the first informations of the band working on something new came around, are disappointed, mostly not at the four but at everything that is going on around them, even when they aren’t even seeing half of it. 

The whole situation has Jin even more stressed out than usual, because he tries to reassure the other members constantly, while also trying to negotiate with the company, that for some unknown reason for Namjoon, doesn’t want to negotiate at all and also tries to come up with solutions for their situation and especially for their future, which is a lot more complicated than they all want it to be, it makes it all so unsure and confusing and frustrating. 

Thats why he had pulled Jin away yesterday afternoon, to give him at least a few hours of rest, to make him eat a real meal and give him and the band a break, who were all thankful when Yoongi ordered them to go home and stay there at least for the duration of the snow storm, giving them all a much needed break. 

And Namjoon took the opportunity, got Jin and himself some food and made them eat it on Jins sofa, while watching the newest episode of a series they just started recently. It has been a silent night, with Namjoon trying to take care of Jin as best as he can while also trying to give the older the space he needs and to not be too much, like he thinks that he is. 

He can’t say if he succeeded, but he really hopes he did so, at least to some extent.

After a while Namjoon stands up and after draping the blankets closer over Jins body, he grabs a shirt from the chair in one of the corners and makes his way out into the living room. 
His phone provides him with an exhausted sounding message from Yoongi, who tells him that the company tries to reach him nonstop just to complain about things that aren’t even important. 

He answers quickly, before he searches for a simple recipe for breakfast and tries his best to follow it to a T and not burn down the whole kitchen (which he comes close to once, but he manages). He is so focused on doing this right, that he doesn’t hear Jin come out of his bedroom, cuddled into the hoodie that Namjoon wore yesterday, drowning in it just a little bit. 

Jin looks absolutely adorable with his sweater paws, the slightly puffed cheeks and his disheveled hair, standing up in all directions. “Are you trying to cook?” He asks, coming closer, making Namjoon jump slightly, luckily he had nothing in his hands when he whirls around just to be engulfed in a tight hug a second later, that he stumbles to reciprocate. 

“I try my best.”He mumbles, his lips brushing Jins temple while he tries to ignore just how domestic this suddenly feels. 

729 Days

He scrolls through the photos on his laptop, leaning back on one of the sofas in the (currently empty) band room, to try and see if there are some photos that need some kind of touch up to bring out the effect more, that he was going for in those photos originally. 

The band, was in a meeting, again, the situation has just barely calmed down and now almost any activity is as low as it has never been, appointments that have been made months in advance have gotten canceled, concerts are pending (probably not coming to live with how it looks right now) and any other event that was going to be held in the next months are on an unsure hold, putting everything and anyone in a slow motion ready to stop moving altogether. 

They try to make the best out of it anyway, going live to see and mostly talk to their fans, never in detail, because they quite can’t do that yet, but reassuringly that whatever happens they will continue with what they love, which brings them some more stress from the company, that still hasn’t talked to anybody as to why they so suddenly want to restrict them to do anything at all. 

Its has already gone so far that the band has consulted a lawyer or two that are just as confused by the whole situation but on the bands side and trying to do their best. Which is the sole reason of the meeting today, instead of the original dance practice that has been set to this time and that Namjoon is here for in the first place. 

But instead of going home again after he learned of the change of plans, he decided he could use the time to sit down and do some additional work for once. 

“Namjoon!” Yoongis voice reaches his ears through the soft playing music coming through his headphones, that he now pulls off. 

“Hyung.” He smiles.

“You know you can go home? The practice will most likely not be hold, not in the next week at least.”

“This bad?” 

“You have no clue, the meeting was catastrophic, I told the four that they can go home for the day and that I will try my best to mend the fronts,” Yoongi lets himself fall onto another sofa, just opposite from him, “I needed a break.” He says before Namjoon can ask. 

“Do you think all this is even mend-able?” 

“I hope it is, but honestly, I think, for the long run, the others are better off looking for something else.” Yoongi sighs, his head falling into his neck, eyes closing and Namjoon pulls out his phone, texting Jin to ask if he needs something.

When he doesn’t get an answer immediately, he puts the phone aside to look at the photos again. “I will just finish this and be on my way then Hyung. When you need help, just say it.” 

“Will do Joon-ah.” They stay in silence for some time, while Yoongi tries to catch at least some sort of rest and Namjoon fusses over a couple of photos he took at the new years eve party that they have gotten invited to, thrown by a friend of the band and welcoming to any additional friends, after the motto of the more the merrier. 

That night had been a lot calmer and relaxed than the previous years, which shows as well in the bands radiating happiness that he still can feel while looking at the photos he has taken.

“Yoongi-ssi, long time no see.” A new voice pulls the two men out of their comfortable silence, Yoongi sits up immediately and Namjoons eyes are pulled towards the door, a hand subconsciously closing the lid of his laptop, preventing the man, standing in the door to the room, to see what Namjoon was looking at just seconds before. 

“Choi Yejun, I hoped you would stay disappeared.” Its been some time since Namjoon has heard his Hyungs voice getting so cold, his sharp eyes fixating at the man, looking ready to pounce. 

“Now, Yoongi-ssi, I thought you would be happy to see me again, when I’m not mistaken you still want something from me.” The man, Yejun, laughs, but the sound wasn’t sweet, rather the opposite, almost like one would think a villain would laugh.

  “I don’t want anything from you, and you should check your mail, our lawyer tries to get in touch with you for some time now.” 

“I wondered. But I have been out of the country for some important business you wouldn’t understand.” Yejun hisses, trying to not let his anger show, but his face betrays him. 
“I thought the band would be here at this time. I missed them, especially Taehyung.”

Yejun knows what he does, because it is evident that he pushes just the right buttons for Yoongi to stand up already, hands balled to fists at his side, looking just one word away from punching the man square through the face.

Namjoon stands up, places himself next to his Hyung, a hand (hopefully calmingly) landing on Yoongis shoulder, it pulls Yejuns attention towards him, probably for the better.

“Kim Namjoon.” Yejun looks him up and down, puffs his chest out like that would make him bigger, dangerous, but he was no match to Namjoon, at least not physique wise. “Didn’t think I would find someone like you in an environment like this.” 

“And I thought I wouldn’t have to see you ever again.” Namjoon sighs, squeezing his Hyungs shoulder lightly before he steps back, grabs his things and then Yoongis arm.
“Would you go out of the way now? We have somewhere important to be.” He says coldly, his eyebrows wandering up, staring him down to make it clear that he wasn’t even slightly joking. 

“Fine, I wouldn’t want you to be late. I’m sure we will run into each other soon enough again.” 

“I hope not.” Namjoon mumbles when he brushes past the man, pulling Yoongi with him, not even stopping when he hears Yejun say “and Yoongi-ssi, greet Taehyung and Seokjin from me, I’m looking forward to seeing them again.”

Just when they rounded a corner and he is sure that Yejun wasn’t following them because he needs to go into the same direction for whatever reason, he stops in his tracks. 

He looks around the corner, just to see Yejun still standing where he stood a minute ago, looking somewhat irritated, before he whirls around and walks in the opposite direction, everything Namjoon is able to see then, thanks to an reflection, is the smirk coming up on Yejuns face. Wouldn’t he know it better, he would guess that this won’t be the last time they came across that man, neither that it will be anything good, it just can’t be with him in the equation. 

“You know him?” Yoongi asks, leaning against the wall next to him, ignoring the weirded out looks thrown at them from the staff flitting around the floor. 

“Knowing is a too big word for that. Ran into him a few times at max. But he has a terrible reputation in photographer circles. No one who thinks at least a little bit good of themselves and their work would want to be associated with him. The same goes for most customers. He is said to fund his life through unfair prices and blackmail.” Namjoon shakes his head. 

“I guess he is the photographer that I replaced.” 

“Yeah. Guess we were lucky until now that he simply vanished and didn’t do anything else, but I guess our luck has run out.”  

Namjoon wasn’t going to say it out loud but he agrees with Yoongi. Whatever it is that made Yejun come back and walk around these hallways with so much ease, can’t mean anything good. 

698 Days

“Hey Hyung, I’m sorry I’m late, got hold up.” Namjoon falls into the empty chair, just slightly out of breath since he had to jog all the way from the subway here, to not be as late to his and Yoongis coffee date. Just when he settles he sees Hoseok sitting across from him, looking slightly uncomfortable with Namjoons sudden arrival. 

Looks like Yoongi hasn’t told the other man that he was meeting up with Namjoon today.

“I should go then.” Hoseok mumbles. They have had some opportunities to talk over the past few months, in depth and Namjoon understands him a little bit better now, but that doesn’t mean that he isn’t still hurt by how things went. 

They aren’t ignoring each other either, or are icy towards the other like they did before, instead it has morphed into something a lot more awkward, crawling beneath their skin, because neither of them has a clue on how to act when around each other quite yet, their dynamic still changing constantly, not yet settling and in an unsure, almost fragile state. 

“No no, you don’t have to, just because Hyung didn’t told you I would be here today.” Namjoon says, cringing just slightly about himself, but breathing a bit easier when the waiter approaches him, taking his order. 

“When you say so.” Yoongi mumbles, now the one looking awkward. They are sitting close, Hoseok and Yoongi, not that that is an unusual vision, but Namjoon can tell that whatever they have talked about before he arrived must have been difficult, the air around them full of tension and avoidant looks.  

“How have you been Hyung?” He tries and breaks the silence between the three of them, his eyes finding Hoseoks whose are growing wider upon realizing he has asked him instead of Yoongi. 

They haven’t seen each other in a couple of weeks. With the bands unsure schedule Hoseok had to go and find other jobs, which he doesn’t seem to lack, he, after all, build a successful name for himself in the last years. 

“Have been good. But I still prefer to work with the others.” He smiles just thinking about it. 

“How about you?” 

“Its alright, schedule is a bit unsure, but I make the best of it I guess.” Namjoon shrugs, not just their schedule is unsure, which has literally all of them in a spiral of unsureness and tension which makes it all a lot more uncomfortable than it should be, but there are also some things going on in his private life. For example, he needs to find a new apartment, since his current one is in a desperate need of a renovation and is about to be closed down by the city until it does get done, and also between him and Jin are some developments he can’t quite think what to make off, but probably, it is just stress. 

“The schedule probably won’t be back to normal anytime soon.” Yoongi sighs then, the bags under his eyes are massive at this point. 

“Still no luck?” 

“Not even a little bit.” The older groans. “They still won’t say what it is that has put them off so massively, but I guess that it is that the four aren’t bending to the companies every whim, which they don’t have to because they have been smart enough to have it all written down in the contract to a T. The company probably thought, with enough time, they would just automatically give up what they are and what they made themselves to be for themselves and their fans and ease into the image that the company wants for them. Just something better than an idol group, something different, the face of the company, revolutionary to the idol industry and worth a hell lot of money that would be bound to the company in that case.”

“In short, they are pissed that the band will never lose their identity and has every right to protect it, because they have been smarter than the company in the first place?” 

“That sums it up pretty well.”

“What now?” Namjoon stirs in his coffee before he takes a sip.

“I have to talk to the four. I know they have a plan, for when things go badly, but I’m not sure if they are able to execute it, at least not immediately. For now the contract holds things upright, but I wouldn’t put all that I have into the believe that it will do its thing until it has to be renewed in two years.”

The three of them sigh almost simultaneously, but they stray from the topic quickly afterwards, the café isn’t the right place to talk about it anyway, since they can’t be sure who was listening in, in the first place and the public doesn’t know any of what is going on yet. 

But all of them are sure, that it will get messy, even more than it already is, the only question is when it would come to a head. 

680 Days

Its a calm morning, they have all gotten together at Jins apartment for late breakfast, since neither of them is really fond of going out, but wanted to catch up as a group that they have become. 

The air is full of rare laughter and light conversations. “Let me help you Hyung.” Namjoon mumbles at Jins side, who was standing at the sink, washing all of the dishes that haven’t been able to get into the dish washer. 

“Its okay Joon-ah, just relax.” Jin smiles at him fondly, his features today a lot calmer and warmer than he has experienced them for a while, the stress that has tensed his muscles a lot less, when he now lets his eyes wander behind Namjoon to where the others are tumbling on his sofa, unable to decide what they are going to watch or if they should make use of Jins consoles instead. 

Namjoon ignores his Hyungs words, grabs a dishtowel and starts drying all sorts of bowls and plates, earning a scolding clap on his chest, that all but makes him chuckle.  
They work in silence, listening to their friends who begin to settle for some games first, the energy they are radiating high enough to not sit through a movie anyway. 

Its when he puts the last glass away into its rightful cabinet that a phone goes off somewhere, vibrating almost aggressively, it ends with a gasp when, who ever the phone belonged to, picked it up to see what is going on. 

“Oh fuck.” Namjoon probably wouldn’t have whirled around as fast as he did, would it have been Yoongi who cursed, the older quick to do so in his every day life, but Hoseok barely does so, and when he curses its always because something went terribly wrong. “Please let this be an Aprils fool joke.” 

Now he stares at his phone, all colours drained from his face, as well as the joy that had been flowing around him until just seconds ago. 
“Whats going on?” Its Jeongguk who asks, before anyone else can, hanging himself over his Hyungs shoulders to take a peek at the display.

“Oh no! No, no no no.” The youngest mumbles, taking the phone to scroll through whatever it is. A heavy feeling settles in Namjoons stomach, falling to the floor as soon as Jeongguk looks up in his direction, in Jins direction, who sighs loudly next to him, just slightly leaning against Namjoon, a fathom almost. 

“What is it Kookie?” The oldest asks, his shoulders slumping like any energy he might have had was leaving him at once, but he holds his head high anyway, his steps sure when he goes over to where Jeongguk stands, handing him the phone. 

Seokjin takes his time looking through it, his face hardening his posture becoming rigid, before he hands Hoseok the phone back without a word, turns around and leaves into his bedroom. The falling shut door was loud in the almost suffocating silence that has settled above them. 

Namjoon, worrying, pulls out his own phone, opening social media just to come across what has caused the happy and light morning to disappear, he doesn’t even have to scroll. 

Everywhere are photos of Jin and what Namjoon supposed is his ex, photographed through far away lenses, almost like a potato tried to do a job that they haven’t the right qualifications for, but nonetheless it is evident that they are clearly intimate and at least Jin doesn’t have a single clue that he is being photographed in those moments. 

His ex on the other hand does look straight into the camera sometimes, when they are out and about, holding hands or eating out in a restaurant, looking cozy even when not as close since they are in public. 

Namjoon has never asked about this ex, figured that it wasn’t his place to do so, but he thought that the other must have been in the industry eventually, but now he wasn’t too sure about it, his face doesn’t ring a bell, but the account popping up while he scrolls through enraged fan comments of all sorts, regarding Jins sexuality, regarding the obvious breech of his privacy and the intension of the one who revealed those photos in the first place, is clearly enjoying the attention it gets, no matter if good or bad. Namjoon just is glad that it is mostly bad and outraged on Jins behalf. 

He sighs when Seokjin doesn’t come out of his bedroom anytime soon, but glad when he lets Jimin in, probably confiding in him and when the other two of his group join him, Namjoon, Hoseok and Yoongi decide to take their leave, but not without making sure that they know that they are there for them, if either of them wants to talk or something else. 

Yoongi hangs himself on the phone with their lawyer and Namjoon busies himself with tidying up before he closes the door silently behind himself, leaving a message to Jin, saying that he is there if he wants him to, but it doesn’t get read until the next morning, and never answered.  

675 Days

Its just a few days later when he hears back from the band, from Jimin to be precise, asking him to meet them at the company, for a meeting. 

Yoongi has already informed him beforehand that this meeting will probably be one of their last, he has tried to prepare the band for an outcome like this, with the scandal that has been created by Jins ex and the immense attention it has gotten and still gets, the pot still burning hot with the press and even the news covering it, debating it like no real person is affected by it but some NPC. 

They want him there to document it, and when he told them that all he is able to do so is to make photos, they said they didn’t care. Its an important milestone in their bands history, no matter if they continue on with this company or not, and since Namjoon is paid by them and not the company he shrugged, grabbed his camera and went here.  

Just to be standing in the corner of a room, watching the the band and Yoongi sit on one side, their postures stiff their faces not telling any feelings they are experiencing right now, and on the other side old men in designer suits with stoic eyes that are portraying some of the smugness that they are already radiating. 

The talking has been tense until now, their lawyers discussing the matters of the contract and what is that is supposedly breaching it and has the company to rightfully terminate it immediately. 

They all know that the newly scandal doesn’t really makes the company able to terminate it how they want it to, but the band is willing to opt out when they can find a ground to stand on, that benefits both parties, which the company and their lawyer doesn’t want, it doesn’t give them the power they hoped for and greedily wanted, but in the end they have no other option but to agree, since they definitely didn’t want to go to court over it, knowing well that they would go out of that with a lot more damage than when they agree now. 

Its a farce to say the least, it takes several hours as well and when they are finally able to escape and grab the things belonging to them out of what used to be their band room and their studios, they are all sporting a headache and grim faces. 

No one is talking when they are out of the building and in two cars, just looking devastated and exhausted and finished with the world. 

Seokjin, who sits next to him, stares out of the window, lost in his thoughts, looking defeated and closed off and Namjoon wonders if he should say something, but any word that comes to mind sounds way too much like nonsense, so he keeps quiet like anybody else, until he leaves the car as one of the last, thanking his Hyung, wondering what will happen next, if and when he will hear from Seokjin himself, who hasn’t even so much as glanced at him today. 

It hurts slightly, not that he should feel hurt at all, but his heart squeezes anyway, even when he forbids it from doing so. Jin probably just needs time, he has gotten hurt a lot more than Namjoon can imagine, all he can do is be there when he wants him to be or keep himself away should that be what he needs instead. 

674 Days

“Come in Namjoon.” Jin says when he opens the door for him, clothed in a sweater that looks a bit too large for his frame (Namjoon is almost sure he was missing that one in his closet) and gray sweatpants, hair disheveled, looking like he hasn’t slept last night. 

He has been vague when he asked Namjoon to come over, not that he was expecting anything else than just keeping his Hyung company, but somehow a strange and heavy feeling now spreads through his body.

Telling him, that whatever it is, his Hyung was nervous about it. They are sitting on his sofa, no noise being made. Jin is looking at his hands, fingers playing with a lose thread hanging from the sweater, his posture slightly hunched over, like he wants to curl in on himself. 

Namjoon isn’t sure if he should be the one who starts talking, but the silence slowly but surely makes himself nervous as hell, he catches himself looking around the room, just to come back to stare at Jin, his own fingers finding a lose thread to nervously fiddle with too. He can’t even say how long it is that they are sitting there like that, Jin hasn’t a clock standing or hanging around and Namjoon doesn’t quite wants to whip out his phone to stare at it. 

“I thought…” Jins voice is small when he speaks, it makes Namjoons heart squeeze uncomfortably, makes him want to pull the older into a hug, “I thought, maybe we should quit this friends with benefits thing. I’m not feeling well with it anymore, with all that is going on and… yeah I just, I don’t know.” He rambles, words almost talking over each other, in a hurry to spill in the silence between them. 

“Its alright Hyung. Whatever makes you feel good.” Namjoon scrambles to say the moment the words reach his ears, ready to make his Hyung feel better about it and himself when he can.

“But its so out of the blue for you, and… and.. I’m sorry.” The older sighs, still not able to look at Namjoon (which hurts just a little bit, but thats not important right now). 

“Don’t be sorry Hyung. Like I said, its alright. Its not like I would make you stay in our agreement beyond your agreement. I’m not that kind of person.” He pouts just slightly, glad that Jin isn’t able to see it because he still is looking away.   

“I hope that doesn’t mean we can’t continue to be just friends?” Namjoon asks voice betraying him when it shakes, nervous that it isn’t that easy (not that it feels easy at all, but he wasn’t going to say that or think about it more deeply), nervous that they have to awkwardly go back into a strange “Not knowing each other” type of state, like they have been in when they first got to know each other years ago now, nervous that he now might lose his Hyung, his friend, for some reason. 

“No!” Jin almost shouts, scrambles to look at Namjoon his hands finding Namjoons, clasped together in his lap. “I mean, I don’t want to not be friends. You’re important to me.” He stumbles to say, reassure, looking frustrated with himself. 

“Why is this so hard?” He mumbles, but Namjoon just chuckles lightly, glad to not go back to the beginning even though some small parts of the heavy feelings in his body stay, like they know something he doesn’t want to learn about. 

“I’m alright when we are alright. You are important to me too Hyung, just know that you will always have me, doesn’t matter if as a friend or…” He stops speaking when Jin falls forward, arms coming around to hug him, his face hiding in Namjoons shoulder. 

It is probably better that way, because Namjoon wasn’t sure now where he was even heading with his words, with his squeezing heart that he doesn’t quite understand why it is acting that way at all. 

Just a couple of hours later they are munching on take out while watching a movie, something normal friends would do, but instead of settling afterwards while cuddling, they find each other leaning on opposite sides of the sofa, just stealing glances every now and then while feeling as awkward as ever since they are always cuddling when sitting on the sofa. Not this time though, maybe never again.

670 Days

The Band announces their hiatus in the middle of April, explaining briefly, in a small recorded video, that they have parted ways with the company they have been under until now, not going into the details of why and how, since the fans know that their contract should run for at least two more years. Just making clear how things are right now because their fans deserve to get to know that from them themselves. 

They also don’t go further down the topic regarding the still brimming scandal, just mentioning that it was an immense breach of privacy and that their lawyer is already looking into it, promising to sue everyone involved in it (they don’t say it directly like that since these are open cases, but the implications should be clear for everyone.).

Namjoon films it all, edits just the parts that he is told to, before they upload it. All of them hovering over their phones afterwards with heavy hearts and uncertainty, watching the first reactions from the public coming through. 

He thinks it is unhealthy, the need to keep up with what the fans are going to say and think, of which are mostly outraged, against the company, not the band, and later on escalates in the wildest theories, from which some are just laughable and others are hitting just the right spot. Its a whirlwind of emotions and drama that makes his head pound in less than half an hour, resulting in him putting his phone down, almost contemplating deleting all social media apps from his phone for a while. It all just feels like too much, and he isn’t even that involved, he is just the man behind the camera. 

Instead of staring at his display he joins Yoongi and Jin, who have already decided before him, that it was best to put that damn thing down for a while, in the kitchen. Grabbing a much needed beer while making small talk and watch them cook. He would have helped if they wouldn’t have forbidden him to do so. 

At least Jin was looking a bit better than a few days ago, there is some colour back in his cheeks, his eyes aren’t that dull anymore, his laugh not that fake, hollow anymore. Its something. Its a promise that things are going to be better again, even when not immediately, they will surely find their way and make it happen. 

650 Days

They try it, they really do, but most of their days they just take up hours of hours to stare into the air, drowning in silence and the echo of their beating hearts in their own ears. 

And Namjoon is there to capture it all, staring on the ever same scenery through his camera lenses, the shutter stopped going off a while ago, when he stepped out of Yoongis home studio, where he, apparently over all these years, kept creating music, passion never really dies after all, he thinks.

Its like him, carrying a small notebook with him wherever he goes, with texts nobody will ever see, that will never find their perfect matches, but exists just because he can’t come out of his skin after all. 

Now his Hyungs home studio comes in handy, since he generously offered it the band to work in, while they try to figure things out.

With the weather becoming warmer by the day he finds himself walking through the city without a destination fairly often. Sometimes with company, when the others decide its enough staring into the void without much progress for the day, and other times he is alone with his thoughts that are straying towards Jin whenever he doesn’t keep them on a leash. 

He misses him, which is irrational and absolutely stupid, given that he sees the older almost everyday. Maybe their friends with benefits thing has been going on for too long, made his body crave the intimacy between them, that he, somewhat, has gotten used to. 

Craving the subtle touches whenever they were standing near each other, hands on arms, lingering, their shoulders bumping into each other softly when with other people around, their legs pressing against each other when sitting side by side, the stolen kisses they exchanged whenever they could and caught a second alone somewhere, that have left his body tingling more than once. 

Now there is always air between them, cold and out of reach. 

Where glances have been beforehand, lingering, open and with emotions, there are none anymore. Its not like they aren’t looking each other in the eye anymore, but one of them is always looking away quickly, like they could burn when they aren’t.

They don’t write messages anymore, he doesn’t receive random dad jokes in the middle of the night and when his memes weren’t answered the first couple of days after they talked about the whole thing, he stopped sending them altogether, but finding himself late at night, thumb hovering over the send button all the time, before he clicks out of the app and throws his phone on his night stand instead, frustrated with himself. 

And hanging out in their free time, like friends do, like they did just weeks ago, it hasn’t happen either. He knows that Jin still hangs out with all the others, outside of work, when Namjoon takes an extra long walk home just to hopefully get that heavy, stupid feeling out of his chest. 

He doesn’t judge Jin for putting all those barricades between them that haven’t been there before, he just struggles with them, thats all, something he has to get used to, which he probably will do, soon. Hopefully. 

Its not like he has time to carter to his own stupidity when Yoongi just previously asked if he could help him out with a few things and he agreed. It takes up most of his time now, but he doesn’t complain. Not when it means that the band can continue to do what they love, no matter how long it will take them to overcome their blockade, no matter where their path will lead them next.

They all have become close to him, he considers them friends, and he knows they do consider him the same, its mutual, he knows they would do the same for him too, should it ever come to that in which way it might be. 

He sighs, staring out on the water of the Han River, glittering in the last sunbeams of the day. Its just a small bump in the road, something they will overcome, he is sure. But why does it feel like something way bigger, something way heavier between him and Jin? 

Namjoon rubs a hand above his face, turns around, begins to finally walk home, pushing the thought and the remaining feelings about it into the shadows of his mind, for another day, another time. 

613 Days

Sometime in the last weeks the happiness came back to them, like the summer sun going up every morning. With it came the energy, the need to create and be and feel and write it all down, transform it into something that can be heard by others. 

The band spends day after day from early in the morning to late into their nights in the booth or around Yoongis studio, writing lyrics, producing melodies, singing and laughing and sometimes even dancing, just doing what they love the most. 

Getting through the hardships of the past months with a newfound freedom. Telling the paper and, in the future, the fans that remain by their side about their hardships, about the struggles and how they overcome it, or don’t. 

They all have gotten closer as a group, its nothing they could have prevented, when they often crash on Yoongis sofa or everywhere that is at least a bit comfortable around his apartment, stumbling over each other and creating art every day and night. It does something to the relationship you have with the people around, especially when you’re almost never really alone with yourself. 

Its an experience, thats for sure, something Namjoon didn’t think he would experience at all, but he wasn’t complaining. The band does good, juggling what is getting thrown at them, finding their footing again, balancing each other and themselves.

Their lawyer does their job pretty well, but justice takes its fair time, at least the scandal died somewhat down, the photos vanished from the news after the news outlets received letters from their lawyer, suing them. Even the account that published them in the first place has deactivated after realizing that the band meant it when they said that they will sue them. 

Namjoon still wonders what they though would come out if it, probably some kind of fame, maybe it was some blackmail thing after Jin refused to do what they wanted. He has just briefly talked about it one night after a couple of drinks, said that this was going on for almost three years by now, that it began shortly after he and his ex broke up. 

He has never seen the photos before, just heard about them, and while he wasn’t sure if it wasn’t just some blabbering to get him to do shit, he had warned their lawyer that maybe things like that exist. Sadly they couldn’t do anything beforehand, because Jin has never seen the photos before. 

Now he is doing the best of it, is even able to laugh about it with the others, but he still puts a lot of air between himself and Namjoon and the younger sometimes catches himself wondering if he has done anything wrong, or if its just because he is a photographer, he can’t say, but sometimes it feels that way, even when he tries to not pay it too much of his mind, but late at night he can’t stop wondering. 

About the cause, about his still weighing and twisting and almost sad and hurting feelings that still make no sense for him. But at the end of the day it doesn’t matter and he pushes the feelings away, sucking it up that they aren’t even talking anymore when they happen to be alone in a room.

Its awkward and nothing he wants for himself or them, to be precise, but he also refrains from trying and talking to Jin, who seems to always flee the room as soon as he can when they are alone even for a second. 

554 Days

”Joon-ah, can you get a beer for me too?” Jimin asks him, looking way too comfortable on the chair that he is half sitting half lying on, to stand up himself. 

“Sure. Everyone else?” He asks into the round. They are sitting on Seokjins balcony, doing nothing but drink and talk after weeks of work a small break they all needed. It has been pleasant conversation between silence that isn’t real silence with the traffic raving on the streets beneath them, thats reaching their ears. 

“Nah, I’m good.” Yoongi shakes his head, the others doing the same. Namjoons eyes, just for a small second, stay at Jins face, that is slightly redder than usual due to the alcohol, looking already at Namjoon what feels like the first time in ages. 

He turns around to go back into the cool apartment, thanks for the air conditioning, the summers are getting hotter every year, fuck climate change. 

He makes his way to the kitchen, the way just dimly lit to not stumble over their own feet, he rummages through the fridge, pulling out two beers before the door silently closes again. For a second he just stands there, looking at the photo pinned at the door with magnets, its their little group of seven, they just recently took the photo in Yoongis studio after a successful recording session. 

“Namjoon?” Its Jin who must stand behind him now, at least the voice suspiciously sounds like the older. He is probably hallucinating, he can’t remember when the last time has been since Jin has said his name out loud. Staring at the beer in his hands now he thinks that maybe, probably he should quit drinking for today. Its just his second, but with the heat, who knows.

“Namjoon?” He glances over his shoulder, just to see Jin standing there, like he thought he wouldn’t. 

“Hmh?” Words failing him suddenly, its stupid how fast his heart just began to beat, like they are about to run a stupid marathon in the living room. 

“Could you maybe step aside?” Now Namjoon turns fully, irritated, staring at the older whose cheeks look like they have taken on more red in the dimly lit room. 

“Step aside?” He mumbles, eyes raking over Jins face, stopping at his eyes that are casted towards the floor, avoiding looking at Namjoon like they seem to always do these days. His plush lips have formed a slight pout, that has Namjoons stomach twist, his mind producing memories of kissing them like it has just waited for the right opportunity. 

“Yeah I need something from the fridge.” Jin mumbles, still not looking up, his fingers fiddling with the hem of his shirt, the usually confident man suddenly looking shy and out of place, like he wants to be everywhere but in Namjoons vicinity. The thought hurts.

“Oh yeah sure, I’m sorry.” He mumbles stepping aside as soon as the words filter into his brain, he looks at the older for a brief moment, looks at him when he almost entirely pushes his head into the cold, to find whatever it is he needs, before he turns around, his shoulders slumping down in defeat, his heart not running anymore but clenching painfully, he is stupid, probably has lost his mind. 

“Here.” He mumbles, putting one of the beers down in front of Jimin, who smiles at him brightly, his eyes turning into crescents, “Thank you Hyung.” 

Namjoon settles back into his seat, leaning back after taking a big sip of his beer, his eyes casting into the sky, where no stars are able to be made out. Some minutes later Seokjin appears again, but he barely looks at the older, instead he forces himself to relax, trying to focus on what the others are talking about, he even tries to bring himself into the conversation but his mood isn’t rising again, the stone in his stomach rather getting heavier with every laugh coming from Seokjin, not because he doesn’t want him to laugh, but because he isn’t the reason for it, because he isn’t even looked at, without any reason that is known to him. 

After another hour he stands up, a hand coming up to go through his hair, ignoring the few knots that are trying to stop him. 
“I’m going home.” He says. 

“I thought we would stay here the night?”   

“Yeah, I just remembered I have to be somewhere early tomorrow.” He doesn’t, but Hoseok or the others don’t have to know that. 

“Thats a bummer.” Jeongguk says, looking like he means it, and Namjoon tries to smile, shrugging. 

His eyes wander towards Seokjin one last time (stupidly hoping for the older to say something, anything) before he first slips into the apartment to just leave it behind altogether not seeing the others for the next couple of days, because he needs the time to catch his breather, to finally get a fucking grip. The older, not surprisingly, isn’t looking at him, so he goes with brief words and faltering steps. 

Just what did he do?    

520 Days

“Why are we here?” Namjoon asks as soon as he is through the door of Yoongis studio, falling onto one of the chairs he has sat in for too many hours already, not today though, but on many other days these past few months. 

They originally didn’t want to meet up today, everyone having something they need to get done that isn’t directly connected to their jobs and Namjoon originally planned to use the day for calls he has to get over with and some cleansing walk or reading or something else that leads into that direction, just getting the mind off of things. 

But here he is, in that home studio of his Hyung after receiving a call an hour ago, asking him to come over for something Yoongi hadn’t wanted to tell him then, over the phone. 

Hoseok lets himself gracefully fall onto another chair, looking just as confused as Namjoon does, because after all the three of them are the only ones around and naturally there is no need for them to be in the studio when the band isn’t around.

“I just thought you two could help me with some instrumentals I’m currently working on.” Yoongi says, pushing some buttons and pulling up some file that Namjoon can’t see the name of from his position behind the older.

In the next second those instrumentals are whirling around them through the boxes. Its a good thing even when it still feels somewhat raw, it stays in his head, his leg finding the rhythm easily. 

“What do you two think?” 

“Its good, a bit raw maybe. What do you want to do with it Hyung?”

“Thought I could use it for something softer, but I’m not sure yet.” Yoongi shakes his head, smiling his typical gummy smile that is barely seen by the other two who are sitting behind him. 

Namjoon looks at Hoseok who meets his eyes, shrugging before a grin spreads on his lips, diving into the topic like he always did so many years ago, and Namjoon feels tempted too, glad also, that the last few months have helped improve his relationship with Hoseok. And making music has always helped him getting things off his mind, so, after a deep breath, he does just the same, jumping head over into the process.

Its after a few hours, when they lean back, not yet fully happy with it, but content enough and mostly hungry. 

“Whats going on Namjoon-ah?” The questions catches him off-guard, its so random and off topic that he, for the first few seconds just stares at Yoongi and Hoseok who are looking at him somewhat expectant. 

“What do you mean, whats going on?” 

“Between you and Jin Hyung.” Hoseok chimes in, softly, almost unsure, exchanging a quick look with Yoongi.

“Nothing, all is fine.” He says, hearing how strained his voice is when he does so, but he ignores it and he hopes the other two are going to ignore it as well. 

“You sure? The air around you two is… strange. You can’t even really look at each other these days.” 

“Hyung and I thought that maybe something happened. At the beginning we didn’t even think anything about it, there was a lot going on and we were all all over the place, but recently…”

“You always look like a hurt puppy, and Jin Hyung isn’t looking much better.”

“I’m not looking like a hurt puppy.” Namjoon sighs, pouting, his eyes flitting through the room in search of anything he could point their attention to instead. 

“You absolutely do, makes me wanna pet your head and tell you that everything will be fine.” Yoongi says with a straight face, just his eyes betraying him, filled with worry.

Namjoon doesn’t answer, what even should he? He knows they are right, also they know him for so many years they can probably read him like an open book. 

So, he just sighs, and eventually, when no one attempts to want to change the topic he sighs again, exasperated now, before he finally looks at them again.

“Maybe…” He begins, racking his head on how to break it down the best way. 

“Maybe?” 

“Maybe Jin Hyung and I had something going on, and ended it but decided to stay friends just for Hyung to withdraw completely just a day after.”

“You had something going on?” Yoongi looks wholeheartedly confused and Hoseok, looking shocked at their Hyung, giggles. 

“You need to look around sometimes more Hyung, they weren’t really subtle even when they tried.”

“Seems like they have been subtle enough for me.” 

“Did Jin Hyung tell you why he broke it off, did you do something?” 

“Thanks Hyung.” Namjoon grumbles, barely acknowledging Hoseoks apologizing look. “No, I didn’t do something, at least not that I would know of.” He sighs. 

“I figured with everything going on he just didn’t want to get distracted, maybe it creeped him out that I’m a photographer. Whatever it is he wouldn't tell me and I didn’t really pry for a reason.” He probably should have asked that day, but he didn’t wanna pry or in the slightest come off like he wouldn’t accept Seokjins choice. 

“Why don’t you two talk whatever it is out?” Yoongi asks, a hand in his neck, exchanging a quick look with Hoseok. 

“Its not like I didn’t try to talk to him.” Namjoon shakes his head before his eyes focus on his hands, shoulders slumping further, haunching, he was probably sitting in his chair like a shrimp right now.

“But he always flees the room when we are just one second alone and he doesn’t answer my messages at all.” Its just silence and it hurts and he doesn’t want that for them, but its nothing he can decide alone. 

“Guess I just have to suck it up when he doesn’t want to even talk.” He shrugs, because what else should he do at this point. 

“But…?” 

“There is nothing I can do, I won’t force him to talk to me.” He stands up, “anyone else something to drink?” He asks, ending the topic without waiting fro any more input.

They know now, but it doesn’t change anything, and its tiring to talk about it when it already occupies his mind whenever there is just a second of silence around him. Its draining him of his energy, because, after all, there is no solution in sight that is also going to be possible, not with Seokjin withdrawing whenever.

463 Days

Releasing a new song seems to have kick started their career, again, to a point where every kind of company reaches out to the band, to ask them for a cooperation. Its so much that Yoongi alone isn’t able to get through it anymore and Namjoon offered to help which is why he is practically drowning in calls and meetings that weren’t in his job description before. Not that he is complaining, at least it helps keeping himself distracted. 

After all the chaos of the past months they have been able to rent some rooms where the band can practice for their upcoming show and Yoongi and he have an office to navigate the new, possible deals from. 

Currently he is hanging on his phone, trying to negotiate the newest brand deal the band accepted after some conditions have been altered and going through the newest concept photos simultaneously, to hopefully finally finish them throughout the day. 

He is running short on time with those, not that they need much editing but he wants to be completely sure, its for the bands comeback in a few weeks, probably the beginning of the next year, they aren’t completely set on the date yet, and with everything else going on he has barely time for anything.

Its maddening or whatever. “No, thats not what we agreed on,” He says, a hand rubbing over his face. “I don’t care what you think, I’m just interested in staying and doing what is written down in the contract, nothing more, nothing less. When you are short on whatever you have to look around for someone else then, WINGS isn’t doing charity.” 

Maybe its a lot maddening when faced with unreasonable request by managers of companies who think the guys are some rookie band that they can use for whatever. 

“But…” 

“Look, I have important things to do, and so I guess do you, when you need something from the guys tell your boss to contact me personally. Until then we will be there for the originally scheduled appointment.” He wasn’t waiting for the person on the other end to say something before he ends the call and almost throws his phone away towards the other end of the room where a small sofa stands. It lands with an accusatory thud sound. 

But Namjoon wasn’t caring about that either when his head (a lot stronger than he intended) hits the table in front of him, makes himself groaning in pain but not looking up again. He just needs a break for a few minutes then it will be alright he guesses or not, maybe he should go over to the sofa and take a nap instead.

He stays like that anyway, not even looking up when he hears the door opening, assuming its just Yoongi, “just need a break Hyung.” He mumbles to avoid any possible questions. 

Yoongi doesn’t answer, instead Namjoon hears the door closing again and steps coming over. Namjoon though just stays like this, head on the table, eyes closed, somewhat hanging and trying to relax his shoulders and neck where it began to ache uncomfortably a while ago. 

“Oh,” The sound tumbles over his lips more air than anything else, when fingers tangle themselves in Namjoons hair, nails lightly scratching over his scalp, running down to his nape and up again. 

Who ever the person is, they figured pretty fast how much this would relax him, because it does exactly that, help him relax, he can almost feel some of the tension leaving his body the more seconds or minutes the persons hand massages his head, playing with his hair like that. 

He doesn’t ask who it is, doesn’t want to destroy the moment with words, he just knows that it can’t be Yoongi.

He must drift off for a while, because when he blinks his eyes open again, there is no hand in his hair anymore and for a second he wonders if he has just dreamed it, until he meets Yoongis eyes, his eyebrows wandered up, telling him enough while not saying a single word. He just doesn’t know how he should feel about Seokjin doing that for him.  

439 Days

Namjoon didn’t think he would miss photographing the band like that, but he strangely did exactly that. Its just so wholesome seeing them on the big screen, seeing them jump around and interact with their fans and sing their lungs out, just doing what they love. Its just always radiating around them, this pure love, the happiness, the feeling like the world belongs to them, in a positive way.

Its been barely a couple of hours since the band stood on stage for the first time in months, debuting their newest album in a small venue but with the same, or more energy than they have had before. 

Its been a night that probably would be spoken about for years to come, and Namjoon is pretty proud of himself and the work he has done too, the photos he has taken are portraying the emotions well, at least thats what he thinks and what Hoseoks and Yoongis nodding heads are suggesting (Hoseok with his habit of making tiny noises always, hums appreciative and in awe with each new slide.) 

“Those are incredible,” Yoongi says when they reached the last photo, sounding suspiciously like that wasn’t everything he wants to say.

“But?” Namjoon asks when no one says anything more, its not like he doesn’t see Hoseok and Yoongi exchanging looks, they are doing that quite often after all. 

“But you maybe want to focus some more on the other band members?” 

“What?” Namjoon blinks at his friends before he blinks at his laptop. “I focus on all members equally.” He mumbles, not quite getting what the two are talking about. 

”You do, but…” Yoongi drawls out. 

“But there are a lot more photos of Jin Hyung than there are from anyone else.” Hoseok finishes. 

“There aren’t.” Namjoon drags his laptop towards himself, clicking through the photos again, while the other two watch him in silence. His own eyes drag over every slide, almost counting until he stops, leaning back in his chair, staring at a group photo where, not disguise-able at all, Jin is the middle of attention, like at a lot more photos he has taken. There are a fair share of photos from the others, enough to not deem this night unsuccessful for him, but the amount of photos he clicked of Seokjin was a lot higher. 

“I haven’t even noticed.” He mumbles, just slightly shocked. 

“Its been over half a year, have you two talked yet?” 

Namjoon shakes his head, they haven’t. Jin doesn’t flee the room immediately anymore, he doesn’t look comfortable either. Sometimes he looks like there are words he might want to spill, but in the end he never does. And Namjoon just realized that he himself has become a coward. 

Wanting to talk with the other but not able to stomach yet another silent reaction and rejection. 

“Do you like him?” 

“Sure I like him! I wouldn’t feel hurt if I wouldn’t!” 

“No but do you like him.” Hoseok emphasized.

“Like love or something.” Yoongi continues, clearing it up like Namjoon hasn’t understood them the first time. 

“Love?” Namjoon hasn’t felt that for anyone since Jisung and he wants to deny it, but the words, the lie isn’t going to spill. 

How can it be that he hasn’t realized it sooner, that all he feels in its intensity, for months now without it getting better, is because he loves his Hyung and not just likes him like a friend should do. 

The knowledge about it has always been there, in the back of his mind, waiting fro him to be ready to be confronted with it. Now it leaves him in shock and a cold sweat.

Looks like he is in even bigger trouble than he thought he is. Having feelings for someone that doesn’t even stand to be in the same room with you does a lot more than just sting.  

Chapter Text

365 Days

Namjoon stares at the small cake that Yoongi and Hoseok had brought him earlier, laughing about his confused face, since this time he definitely hasn’t forgotten his own birthday, it still winter after all.

“You’re working with us for four years now!” Jeongguk had laughed stumbling into the room behind the two, confusing Namjoon further, but he hasn’t said anything other than a thanks when the other three also filled into the room, excited at the prospect of getting a slice of cake after Namjoon had blown out these ridiculous like tuna looking candles. 

“Come on, don’t look like that.” Taehyung had squeezed his shoulder, made him laugh, the younger had been the fastest of them to snatch a slice of the cake.

“I’m just confused thats all.” 

“We wanted to show a bit of appreciation for the work you did over these past years.” Jin says, the knuckles of the hand that are holding his chopsticks turning white, eyes aren’t able to meet Namjoons, but at least he has said something. 

“You’re doing way more than just being our photographer these days, even though you wouldn’t have to Hyung.” Jimin adds.

“This isn’t just a job and I like helping you guys.” He really does, after all, they became his friends. 

“Always the good Samaritan.” Yoongi laughs, rolling his eyes playfully and Namjoon shoves him softly. 

“Just say you wanted to eat cake for breakfast.” He laughs. 

“Not just! But we all did want to eat cake!” 

“I knew it!” 

330 Days

Its late. Originally Namjoon had wanted to leave the office hours ago, but somehow he had gotten hold up with one call after the other, and now he is alone in an almost completely dark office, close to midnight. Luckily Weekends aren’t that important to have…

Without thinking about it too much, he switches his phone off, when he learned one thing during these past months, than that those companies don’t seem to have office hours, his eyes land on the small sofa standing against one of the walls instead. 

It does look inviting, even when he knows that he most likely will wake up with neck and back pain. He stands up, right when his stomach grumbles, reminding him that it has been way too long since he ate something. 

Luckily there is a small kitchenette that provides him with their stack of ramen that should at least take off enough hunger for him to sleep for a few hours. 

Its just when he opens a ramen package, that he hears the faint music coming from the practice room around the corner, its door closed, one of the guys probably forgot to stop the music before going home, it wouldn’t be the first time. 

He sighs, leaves his ramen behind and makes his way through the room. When he opens the door the room behind it is dimly lit and someone lays on the floor staring at the ceiling, at least Namjoon assumes so much, Seokjin could be asleep as well, from his position at the door he can’t quite tell.

Without saying something he just stands there, contemplating if he still should shut down the music or if he just should go out of the room backwards and leave the older be, eat his ramen and go home. Suddenly the sofa in the office doesn’t sound as good anymore (it never really did to begin with). 

He doesn’t get to choose on his own, when Seokjins eyes meet his and render him motionless. He can’t say when the last time has been since Seokjin has looked at him like that, open and with fondness, he can’t even say when the last time has been when Seokjin looked him in the eyes at all. 

“Namjoon.” He whispers, his name loud in the room between them, in his ears, the music stops. Looks like the older had his phone connected to the boxes before. 

“Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t want to interrupt you Seokjin-ssi.” He mumbles, averts his eyes and backs out of the room, closing the door behind him with probably too much force. 

His hands tremble when he makes his way back to the kitchen, the ramen already finished but all hunger he has had draining from him when the replay of the moment before provides him with the knowledge that he called the older Seokjin-ssi. 

Like they really wouldn’t know each other, like they have never been friends, like he hasn’t called the older Hyung for the majority of them knowing each other, like he wouldn’t love the older.

The realization and reflection of going back to every moment he and Seokjin ever shared he had to see and accept that he really fell in love with the older over the time. Knowing that doesn’t make it any easier though, working together with him, seeing him almost every day, knowing that he probably did something that warranted the older to never speak to him again.  

He stares at his noodles swimming in their cup, at the steam coming from them, chopsticks in one hand, the other grabbing the edge of the counter top, his knuckles turning white when he hears the door to the practice room open. 

He expects to hear the front door next, but he never does. Instead his neck begins to tingle like it sometimes does when people stare at him for too long. 

“Namjoon?” Seokjin asks, sounding like he has a ton of questions, nervous and irritated. 

“Do you want some ramen Seokjin-ssi? I happen to have lost my apatite.” He mumbles, knowing he should probably just stop talking, the atmosphere gets more uncomfortable by the second, and all he wants to do is leave. Ironic, isn’t it? For months he hoped they would talk, no matter what, just something, and now where it seems like they are about to do just that all he wants to do is flee the scene. 

“No,” Its just a puff of air somewhere behind him, “no I don’t want ramen.”

Namjoon just nods, still not turning around, his knuckles beginning to hurt slowly. His shoulders and neck as stiff as they would be, would he have slept on the sofa, now he probably won’t sleep at all. 

“Why don’t you call me Hyung anymore?” Its a question that Namjoon isn’t sure if he should have heard, its so silent that, for the first second, he even thinks his ears play tricks on him and when it sinks into his brain he almost wants to laugh about it. 

“Because aren’t we practically strangers again Seokjin-ssi?” Namjoons voice just as low. A small part of him wants himself to sound cold and maybe even spiteful, but all he is able to hear is the hurt he feels and he knows Seokjin is just as able to detect it. 
“We haven’t talked for months now.” Namjoon should really stop talking. His shoulders shake, giving him away. “No wait let me correct myself. Its been almost a year.”  

He tries to take a deep breather, tries to focus on the air expanding his lungs, but all he can focus on is Seokjin standing behind him, even though he isn’t able to see him. For a while he doesn’t receive an answer, all he can hear, that makes him sure that Seokjin hasn’t gone anywhere, is the other mans breath escaping him. 

At some points he thinks there are things the older wants to say, his breathing stops for a second or two, the air changes but nothing happens and the tension stands in the room between them, continuing to crawl beneath Namjoons skin. 

After what feels like hours he finally manages to pull his hands off of the edge of the counter and grab the cup with ramen to throw it into the bin, it has no use anyway. When, after that the older doesn’t attempt to say something and more words are scrambling to form on his own tongue but too afraid to spill and open up about the frustration and anger and hurt he experiences, he turns around, sadly there is no other way to the front door other than having to cross paths with Seokjin directly, who has placed himself strategically between Namjoon and the hallway. 

“Can you please step aside?” He asks, suddenly feeling tired, his eyes casted downwards, his limbs becoming heavy. He just wants to go home. 

He can’t quite see it, the face the older must made, but he sees his feet, clad in some brand shoes, not moving an inch, its like he has grown roots in the small amount of time, its almost laughable. 

“Please?” He mumbles again, the tension in his neck wandering towards his head, where it begins to pound, but Seokjin still doesn’t seem to want to move to the side. 

“Look, I’m tired. I just want to go home, but I can’t do so when you’re standing there like that. I’m sure you don’t want to talk anyway, so please move to the side a bit.” Namjoon sighs, even glancing up, just to briefly lock eyes with Seokjin who looks equally guilty and confused. 

“Why do you think I don’t want to talk with you?” The older asks after a few seconds and Namjoon huffs. 

“You can’t be serious?” He laughs, he just can’t, but Seokjin doesn’t attempt to laugh with him at all. “You are serious!” 

“Yes!” 

“Wow.” Namjoon shakes his head, his arms coming up, crossing over his chest. “Didn’t you listened to what I said? We haven’t talked in almost a year! You didn’t answer any of my messages asking to talk to you, or asking what I have done for you to ignore me like that, which have all gotten unanswered since you seem to have forgotten about that. You always flee the room when we are even just a second alone in it, like I have some disease you’re afraid to catch, but now you want to talk? Because I called you Seokjin-ssi? Because I treat you like the stranger you made us to be after telling me you want to continue being friends and that nothing will change?” 

Namjoon wants to stop talking, wants the words to get stuck in his throat again, everything to not see Seokjin flinching and looking guilty and sad like he does now. But it has been so long and now that he began, he doesn’t seem to be able to stop. 

“You could have told me that you don’t want to have anything to do with me after ending our thing. Would I have been sad about it. Sure. But it would have been better than being glad to continue being friends with you just to get ignored like that, so suddenly, so out of the blue. That shit hurts. I tell you. I have let you close to me, maybe I made a mistake there, even though I don’t want to see it as one. I have lost nights of sleep because I wondered what did I wrong? Why didn’t you want to talk to me? Why did you treat me like air? Did I say something wrong? Did I do something that made you uncomfortable? What did I do to deserve such a treatment?” 

“I haven’t found the answer, and at this point I don’t even know if I still need it. So I guess I’m sorry for assuming that you don’t want to talk with me and wanting to go home, because it is damn late and I’m damn tired.”  

He can feel himself deflate after the last word has left his tongue, like a balloon that just got popped. There are tears prickling in his eyes when he averts them to the floor again, afraid that the older could see them, could see that he still is not over it, when he didn’t already pick that detail up. 

Namjoon had hoped (just a very tiny part of him) that Seokjin would come to his senses and let him leave to wallow alone and in self-pity like he desperately wants to do right now. But the older still doesn’t seem to move a muscle, instead Namjoon can feel him stare at him, like he wants it to burn into his skin.

Sure, he probably could plea again, but he doesn’t feel like it, he doesn’t want to do it. So, after blinking the tears away and taking a deep breath, he looks up again, looks the older directly into his eyes, that are visibly wet. 

Seokjin gnaws on his bottom lip and during any other time Namjoon would have probably asked him not to, would have cradled his cheek in his hand and pulled it away with his thumb. Now he doesn’t, he just looks at him and waits, like that isn’t what he has already done these past months, like it wasn’t robbing him of energy he doesn’t have. Sucking him dry like a starving vampire would. 

“I’m sorry.” Its like a hallucination. A puff of air between them that his own imagination, his desperation bend enough to try and make him believe that he heard what he assumes he just did.

“I’m sorry Namjoon-ah. I never wanted to make you feel that way.” Not a hallucination Namjoon is (almost) sure.

“After all that happened last year I felt like I had to end our thing. For your safety and maybe my own too. I really wanted to stay friends with you all that platonic shit and so on, but after you went home that night I wasn’t sure if I could. I probably should have talked to you about it, but I was anxious that I couldn’t because of my feelings. I thought when I wouldn’t talk to you for a week or so it would be alright, that my feelings would turn around and deflate. They never did and when I realized that, I didn’t know what to do, you already stopped messaging me and I didn’t know how to approach you. I made a mistake, a huge one and all I can now do is hope that you one day, maybe are able to forgive me.”  

His ears are ringing, maybe he got food poisoning. That must be it, the ramen he ate has gone bad and now he is suffering from a fever that haunts him with dreams and hallucinations. But the more he blinks at the older and his nails that attempt to slit his skin where they are clamped into the fabric of his sweater. 

He can feel himself open and close his mouth like a fish on land, but really, he has no clue what to make of it all. 

“Did I say or do something wrong that day?” He hears himself ask. 

“No, you did and said all the right things that day.”

“So, you wouldn’t have cut me off like that, would I have been an asshole?” 

“I would have probably done that, but then I would have been justified.” 

“Yeah, I would have understood it then.”    

“I was afraid they would publish more photos than those.” Jin sighs after a while, looking even more defeated than before. “They messaged me those photos before, tried to blackmail me with them. I didn’t let them do that, instead I gave them to our lawyer. I didn’t care about those photos with my ex, but I knew there were photos of us in your apartment, or from our outings. They threatened to make them public as well, and I was anxious so I told them that we are no longer a thing and…” 

“And you just wanted to try and get me out of it.”

“Yeah, I didn’t want to drag you into it, but I also didn’t knew how to communicate it so I didn’t.”

They stand in the middle of the room for a while, looking at each other in silence, thinking about what they could say next, if there is something that they could say, that isn’t too much or too soon or a mix of both, complimented by the very strained relationship they currently have the tension between them quickly turns into hurt awkwardness. 

Namjoon can see that Seokjin is honest, even though it doesn’t yet make sense for him, makes his head spin and his heart beat faster with hope he doesn’t think he should feel quite yet, but love acts like that sometimes, and he blinks at the older at the loss for words but not wanting to flee anymore as well.

The silence is just broken by Namjoons grumbling stomach that seems to have reminded itself that he threw away the ramen he was supposed to eat. 

Seokjin chuckles before he becomes serious again, Namjoon feels warmth bloom on his cheeks. “Would you, perhaps, want to talk a bit more over a new bowl of ramen?” He asks and after contemplating it for a while Namjoon feels himself nodding. 

And perhaps they do talk until late in the night, after eating laying down on the floor of the practice room (after searching for all blankets and pillows they might have). Its a beginning even when a lot of things are still not said, leaving Namjoon to wonder what kind of feelings Seokjin has talked about, but not wanting to strain whatever this is with too many, too complicated questions (yeah he knows he should work on that too). 

He just feels good next to the older, without the silence that slowly made his heart become cold, and he hopes, let it be the love he holds for the older, but he wasn’t yet ready to give him, them, up. 

299 Days

Going to court seems to have nothing much in common with what they show in movies or series. Namjoon isn’t particularly surprised by the fact that all they have maybe slightly in common are the buildings and rooms and their bleak and white walls. This isn’t an art gallery, but he thinks anyway that some art would do them some good.

His eyes wander over uncomfortable looking chairs for waiting people, cramping up the already limited space of the hallways, plain oak doors and looking freshly cleaned windows, even though its raining like hell outside today.  

In another world, on another day this would be a time best experienced at home, cuddled into a soft blanked, a tea or coffee by his side and a good book on his lap while he sits on his sofa, listening to the rain softly knocking against the windows like a good old friend coming by to say hello. 

Instead he is here, at court, the rain is everything but softly knocking against the windows, his clothes still haven’t fully dried even though it has been hours by now, and the overall mood is more anxious and gloomy, which he isn’t surprised about, given the circumstances. 

After the leak of these private photos last year their lawyers and the police had been able to find and collect evidence of those behind it. It has been a shock to get to know who it has been, even though all the late night conversations where they couldn’t stop spilling one conspiracy theory after the other could have prepared them for it.  

They have already been here for the better part of the day, have given their own statement and listened to a couple of company staff that were directly involved in the scandal. Apparently because the company had seen it as their chance to get rid of the band as smoothly as they had been doing, an easy way out, not caring about feelings or images that weren’t their own.

They have listened to the ridiculousness of it all, given that they aimed for everything and didn’t even got half of what they hoped for and given the stocks (Namjoon had looked it up during a break) they have taken hit after hit after the band made it official that they are no longer contracted by them, in more than one way they have kicked the ball into their own goal.

Then there was this pathetic excuse of Jin’s ex-boyfriend who seems to have no shame, at least he wanted to make them believe that, his head held high, his voice not wavering when he told the judge and them how he had just approached Jin because he wanted an easy piece of his fame and that, when he realized it wasn’t that easy to get, contacted Choi Yejun to see if they could do something that would benefit them both. 

But when he received the taken photos at first he realized that they are worth nothing more than a scandal, not what he aimed for so he reluctantly moved on after the break up five years ago now. He claims to have forgotten about the photos until the company contacted him, sure knowing that they, years ago, had been a thing, requesting him to put them up on the Internet, anonymously, getting the fame of the moment, no matter if bad or good and a hefty sum he apparently couldn’t say no to. And, with enough remaining spite that he has never gotten what he aimed for in the first place, he apparently thought it would give him the revenge he wanted. 

Jin next to him had shaken throughout the whole hearing, his hands balled into fists, his eyes wide and his emotions raging in them, but not closing off, and when he, after some time grabbed Namjoons hand, he knew they were in for another talk after this, but at least they are making progress that has his belly doing cartwheels, even though the time and place is everything but good.

The next and last suspect was none other than Choi Yejun himself, apparently thinking that nothing could happen to him, otherwise Namjoon thought he would have bolted like he did so often before already. 

The man has a smug smile on his face when its time for him to walk into the room, accompanied by his lawyer, that looks more nervous than was probably helpful, like he knew the chances of his client to walk out of here unscathed are close to zero. 

Looks like justice could finally be served, Namjoon thinks.   
 
“You are here today, because we have reason to think that you took part in illegal activities which have caused sever damage to the victims involved. Before we are able to decide the verdict we need to hear your part.” The judge says after reading the photographers details out loud. 

The judge is an older man, glasses hanging low on his nose, he looks more over them than through them, somehow reminding Namjoon of an owl. Nothing on his face lets on what he thinks of the whole situation, of any that he has heard today, an intimidating mask, calculating and cold. 

Yejun as well seem to get nervous under the owl like gaze, when his fiddling fingers beneath the table, are anything to go by. His stance straightening while simultaneously faltering. His lawyer on the other hand looks composed now when he stands up to answer the judge’s request. 

“My client has done nothing wrong other than doing what he got paid for doing, your honor.” 

“Please elaborate.”

“My client got booked by two separate institutions for the same thing. He agreed beforehand that he has no problem showing the contracts.” The lawyer produces some papers from a small stack that was sitting on their table and, with a few steps, gives it to the judge who quickly looks through them before he passes them to the woman sitting beside him to look over them as well. 

“I see.” The judge says nodding just one time, barely visible, “did, during your employment for those two institutions, you ask yourself any moral question regarding your job or did you just do it for what you claim? It must have been somewhat obvious that one party doesn’t seem to be in on the information that photos were being taken.” 

“Like I said your honor, my client just did what he was paid to do so. He didn’t question the morality since he thought that all parties were informed, the two institutions made sure to inform my client that these photos would be made with every parties agreement and consent.” 

“Did you work with any of those institutions before signing these particular contracts?” 

“Yes your honor. One of the contracts I just gave you is dated a year prior to the other one. The company that requested my client for his work, hired him after the band WINGS brought the attention towards him.” The lawyer quickly answers. 

“Please, elaborate.”

“My client worked for the band WINGS for a couple of years before he got laid off and chose to work with the company instead.”

“So you knew who the victim were when you got assigned this job.”

“Yes, my client knew who the victim were. During his work for the band he got to know the members personally. But he got laid off because of a disagreement regarding the contents of his work. Apparently the photos my client took weren’t much to their liking and weren’t meeting the imagined outcome.”

“I see.” The judge says know, “I heard though, that your client got laid off because he began to try and blackmail more than one band member. In fact, I took some time to go through all the evidence that has been provided prior to the hearing today, and had to see that there should have been other court hearings regarding those matters but that they couldn’t be held because your client never showed up and wasn’t to be found anywhere as well. Care to explain?”

Namjoon watches Yejuns lawyer stumble over whatever argument he had have on his lips, can almost hear him yank onto the breaks when his head whips around to where Yejun sits with wide opened eyes, like he hadn’t expected that to come up. It also is evident that he hasn’t informed his lawyer about those pending things yet, wouldn’t it be such a tense moment, Namjoon surely would have found himself laughing at Yejun and his comically wide and panicked eyes. 

“May we have five minutes, your honor? I need to talk to my client.” The lawyer says. 

“You may. The hearing pauses for five minutes.” 

Its silent around Yoongis dinner table, mostly, and something that doesn’t happen often when they are all together. But Namjoon guesses they all need some time to process the events of today. 

He, for his part, could just shake his head about all that he had heard today, rage simmering in the pits of his stomach, rage that he wasn’t going to let play out, since justice will be served soon, when the judge made up his mind on how the penalties will look like after another hearing where they luckily do not have to be at. 

After Yejuns lawyer had requested that five minute break, nothing much had happened anymore, not being informed about those things going on and pending he had not much ground to stand on anymore and eventually Yejun had erupted into a fit right in front of them. 

And with some pointed questions from the judge the were able to hear loud and clear that Yejun, in fact, didn’t just take those photos because he had signed some contracts. He knew beforehand that Jin wouldn’t be knowing about them, but he didn’t care. 

He rather has seen it as a way to get back at the older, at the band altogether for kicking him out of the contract, rightfully so, after his blackmailing failed miserably.

Apparently Seokjin and Taehyung had done good in reporting every single interaction they ever had with the photographer after the first moment of them noticing that something was off, to their lawyer, just in case.  

When Yejun realized he wasn’t going to come fa by sweet talking he directly set of to blackmailing them with compromising photos of clear private moments he hadn’t been invited to. He had wanted money and fame, the usual. After a while he even tried to bait them by saying he would stop when either Taehyung or Seokjin would pretend to be his boyfriend for a while, until he gets famous enough to stand on his own feet.

Luckily they went to their lawyer instead, with all the evidence they had been collecting, being able to terminate Yejuns contract early and file criminal charges against him for breaching of privacy and stalking. 

Which caused the man to apparently flee the country for a couple of years, not wanting to face the punishment that would be waiting for him. And with him already hired by the company he did some odd jobs for them before he came back for this case, promised by the company that the cases would have no legs to stand on and would have no consequences anymore. Sadly for them all Taehyung and Seokjin had been able to file those complains again though. 
  
Namjoon can just imagine how happy they all will be when this is all over for good and hopefully soon. Its not looking good for either Yejun, the company or Jins ex, but Namjoon has no sympathy for them, they made their bed after all and now have to lay in it.

Under the table he holds Jins hand, signaling him that he will be there for the older if he wants him to, may it be in silence or for a much needed talk, for words spilling between them, or to just spend time holding the older, whatever it is, Namjoon will be there he thinks, hopeful and whipped and sappy. 

290 Days

Its been a while since Namjoon has been at Seokjins place, a few months at least since they all have been around here, a year since he has been alone with Seokjin, enjoying a slowed down morning. When the older asked him to come over today, Namjoon wasn’t sure if he should though, while he felt giddy on one hand, he had have his doubts. 

Yes they have talked a lot since that night in the practice room and are slowly making up for the lost time, but whenever they saw each other without anyone else of their usual group of seven this last month, they have been somewhere outside. They originally planed to take a walk today, but when Namjoon woke up to pouring rain that didn’t seem to want to stop, he thought their plans have plummeted into the next puddle. 

He, instead, thought he would have time to unpack all those boxes that wait to get unpacked for weeks now. A task he wasn’t really anticipating. Getting the call from the older, asking him to come over was like a welcomed distraction in that moment.

His knuckles collide with the solid wood of the door, the music behind it getting silenced almost immediately. Maybe Namjoon should have asked what they would be doing instead, but the giddiness made him forget about it and instead he focused on the fact that he was about to see the older again and not to have to unpack his boxes that he didn’t even think about how nervous he might be. 

Like he is right now, his clammy hands slipping into the pocket of his hoodie, while he waits for the door to get thrown open to reveal a disheveled looking Seokjin, hair all over the place, clothed in gray sweatpants and an over sized shirt (Namjoon remembers wondering where this might went when he threw all his clothes into boxes).

“You’re punctual.” 

“I tried my best.” He smiles when following the older into the apartment. “Shouldn’t I have?” 

“Oh no no! I just forgot about the time.” Rubbing a hand in his neck, Seokjin looks over his shoulder, red seeping into his slightly puffed out cheeks, he is adorable. 

A quick glance through the living room (because Namjoon can’t take it) was answering the non verbal question between them. 

“You gamed your morning away.” 

“I actually gamed the whole night and morning away.” Seokjin says sheepishly, “I wanted to cook for us, wanted it to be ready when you are coming over.” 

“But one more hour turned into many?” 

“Yeah.” Now Seokjin was stirring in a pot, not looking at Namjoon anymore, who was grinning. 

“Can I help you somehow? Maybe set the table?” 

“You’re my guest.” 

“Hyung please.” Seokjin was looking up now, more red seeping into his cheeks, his eyes slightly widened, probably because its the first time again that Namjoon decided to call the older Hyung again (he would like to say that he waited until now for any other reason than pettiness, but he can’t really). 
“Its not like I wouldn’t know where things are.” 

He has been over way too often to not know and as long as Jin hasn’t rearranged his cabinets in the last year he should be fine.

“But…”

“No buts Hyung, let me help you in a way I can.” Namjoon doesn’t wait for an answer when he opens some cabinets (Jin didn’t rearranged them), quickly busying himself to not drown in his nervousness, and just when they finally sit down to eat he realizes how easy it has been to fall into old habits. 

Probably because he has never really lost them, probably because he never wanted to, probably because he still hopes that they really can at least be friends somehow, even though the thought has his heart squeezing uncomfortably and the looks Jin throws at him whenever he thinks Namjoon isn’t looking, let him hope way too easily. 

Even when he still is hurt, at least they are working on things, on them, on their how ever looking relationship, on being fine again, and when it means to slide back into these harmless habits again when around each other, than so be it, Namjoon wasn’t going to complain, not when it means that he, after they finished eating and cleaning up are siting, almost cuddling on the sofa while playing some games. 

Does it help him in regards of his feeling, probably not, but he isn’t ready to face that problem now, for once he just wants to live in the right now instead of the worried about possible future state of mind. 

275 Days

Building their own company is a lot of work. Not that Namjoon thought it wouldn’t be but it is still more exhausting than he anticipated. He knew the guys had a plan when the previous contract got terminated, he even thought of them being in a somewhat position that they could pull something like this off and be successful with it. 

But it needed a lot more planning than Namjoon thought, luckily he never had to think about it in the first place, it isn’t his line of work and he doesn’t plan on changing that now or in the long run. 

Now they are in the last stages of opening their own label and company that hopefully soon will be able to employ musicians with fair conditions that wouldn’t try to change the soul of the people and the music they make. A real change to the whole industry or at least the chance for one. 

Its a beginning. 

“We should get a drink later.” Jeongguk yawns from the other end of the table, head hanging over the papers they are revisiting. “To celebrate.” 

“Wouldn’t that be too soon?” 

“Nah, don’t be like that Yoongi Hyung. You just don’t want to destroy your plans of sleeping early.” 

“I’m not that young anymore kiddo.” 

“You’re just a few years older Hyung, don’t be like a grandpa now.” 

Yoongi groans while everyone else chuckles at the interaction. After pulling a lot of all-nighters Namjoon wasn’t the biggest fan of the prospect of going out tonight as well, but he was willing to sacrifice another night of sleep for a good and deserved night with the group. 

His eyes lock with Seokjins, who looks like he was just thinking the same. A smile breaking out on his lips, which makes it harder to ignore the butterflies, and sometimes, late at nights he wonders if he is forgiving the older too quickly and if he isn’t heading towards a way deeper abyss to fall into in a way quicker tempo because he doesn’t do anything to avoid his feelings to bloom like they, these days do again.

“How about we get beer and take out instead and push the going out to when we are finally able to really open and introduce what we have worked on the past months?” The older says a few seconds later, eyes not swaying away. 

“That sounds nice actually. I’m not that much in a mood to go out like that today anyway.” Someone says. 

Namjoon can just imagine, because even though them practicing has gotten less since last year, they are still constantly doing something, producing, singing, dancing, modeling for some brands, events they still have to attend, concerts, working through these stacks of papers, networking and balancing a small amount of free time. To say they are workaholics would be understated.  

So, when they finish their paperwork for the day, they do just that, getting beer and take out and lounging around the practice room instead of going home afterwards, because an impromptu karaoke session was what had them still on their feet letting out all energy before collapsing on the floor in a puddle of limbs, laughing still, Namjoon feels content, with his head resting on Seokjins chest when his eyes fall closed. 

265 Days

“It looks to me like you’re pretty sure in your steps already Hyung.” The two of them are in the practice room, its fairly late already and everyone else went home a couple of hours ago. 

But Seokjin had wanted to stay back for a bit longer to practice some more for their upcoming concert, claiming that he still is unsure with a few steps and needs the additional hours. And Namjoon stayed back, because why not spending some more time with Seokjin while keeping him company and letting the camera work. 

Its not like he hasn’t enough photos. He has hundreds, maybe even thousands, four and a half years are pretty much time and he already began to sort through them to draw the circles closer to his favorites, which are still more than will fit in the showcase and photo book they are going to release sometime next year, probably around their original debut date in early spring.  

Next to the music the shutter of his camera was a constant noise, reassuring and steady, helping him capture the lines of Jins body while he dances, while he tries to remember the steps and looses himself in the rhythm. Some people have the audacity to say that the older might be lazy, but he puts almost the most work into this, into learning. Not just to please their fans but also, and it is very visible on his face and his movements, Namjoon thinks, because he found himself liking to dance. 

Its nothing the band overly did when they were just the four of them, just starting their career, wanting nothing more than just make music for a living that maybe, one day, would reach more than the four walls of the basement in Jins parents home. 

Today they have all grown beyond those walls, beyond the borders of their country even, have grown in and with their personality and sometimes, next to the friendship Namjoon values a lot, he also feels honored that he is allowed to capture it all through his camera lenses. 

“You’re staring Namjoon-ah.” How could he not when some of the strands of hair, that have gotten longer than Seokjin would usually wear it, stick to his forehead due to him sweating. How could he not when everything about the older is so irrational mesmerizing for him, how he carries himself, how he smiles and laughs about his own mistakes, the clumsiness when he tumbles to the floor because he got a step wrong, how he finally is able to say what has made him withdraw so drastically. 

Even when Namjoon would want to, which he doesn’t, he couldn’t simply look away, he couldn’t pretend anymore, he never has been good at it in the first place.

“I’m not.” He says anyway, he even pouts while looking Jin in the eyes. 

“Sure.” The older laughs, his head falling into his neck. “Come on stand up.” 

The camera gets gently lifted out of Namjoons hands, and he wants (not really) to protest, but he goes anyway when Jin takes his hand in his pulling him onto his feet.

“Why?” 

“Because you should learn something too.” 

“But we are here because you wanted to practice some more. I don’t need it.” 

“You may not need it, but it is fun anyway, and sitting all day isn’t good for you.” He receives a gently push against his shoulder, playfully, because the two of them know pretty well that Namjoon was working out regularly, but neither of them acknowledges that. 

Instead he lets himself get dragged to the middle of the practice room floor, “so mr. Dance instructor, what do I need to do?” 

The laugh he receives tingles through his body, makes him smile brightly, through the mirrors he can see just how bright he is smiling, his dimples popping. 

“Just follow my lead?” 

And Namjoon tries, he really does, copying his Hyungs movements without loosing himself into the sight, but his clumsiness which causes him to stumble over his own feet every so often, has them both laughing, and when the song changes to a slightly slower one, he is whisked away into two strong arms that make him visibly shudder, but are also able to hold him upright. 

“Before you injure yourself.” Jin mumbles, getting the two of them to rock more from side to side than actually moving like they could still do. 

“A wise decision.” 

“Sometimes I seem to make those.” 

They laugh, but it is none of the bright belly hurting ones, instead its puffs of air between them while they realize that they are closer to each other than they have been for over a year. 

Its strange while it is good, like coming home after a really long and exhausting day. And while both seem nervous its just natural that they relax after rocking from side to side some more, realizing that neither of them wants to escape the hold they have on each other right now. 

At some point they even stop the rocking, they just stand there in the embrace of the other, gazing into each others eyes, every word and laugh that has beforehand been between them slowly getting pushed into the back of their minds, not being relevant for the moment. 

Namjoon can’t say who initiated it, or if they just both kept getting closer until their lips met in a kiss that was long overdue, that started slowly, saying or at least trying to do so, everything that yet has to be talked about, before growing heated, consuming even, has hands dragging over clothes in a search for some leverage, just to find it in the other all along. 

When they part, foreheads pressed against each other, trying to catch their breath, both of them want to try and make it right, do this the right way instead of just giving into what their body needs, they are determined, no matter how long it will take, to make it work somehow, for them, for a future.  

234 Days

They are out at blue side to celebrate a few wins, bundled up and decorated with a ribbon. 

It had been the last court trial, the reading of the penalties, which had brought an immense relief upon them all, hearing that justice indeed can be served. And after the struggles and hardships they had to face prior they decided to go and celebrate it accordingly. 

The court has decided in their favor, sentencing the three forces behind the privacy breach to some hefty sums they have to pay, open and public apologizes have to be made, which will the already declining company bring down further and Yejun even seems to have to go to jail, because of all the pending trials he has still going on and that are from a lot more people than just the band. Its not looking good for him, but neither of them really cares. 

“I still can’t believe that that shit is finally over.” Taehyung, who is sitting on his left side slumps against the backrest of the bench they are sitting on, a cocktail in hand that looks way too sweet in its purplish colour. 

“Hopefully its the last shit for a while.” Yoongi sips from his whiskey, probably to hide his large gummy smile that he is sporting ever since they left the court building this afternoon.

“With you all launching your own label and so on I wouldn’t be too optimistic. There probably will be a lot of people who will try to stir trouble whenever possible.” 

“Don’t be so rational Hobi Hyung. At least not tonight!” The youngest of their group laughs bumping against Hoseoks shoulder.

And Namjoon feels himself relax further, one of his hands intertwined with Jins, the other holding onto his beer, a sloppy grin on his lips. 

After all this turbulent time things finally seem to settle, to make space for a better time again, for some much deserved and needed peace. 

They all are able to laugh much more freely now.   

162 Days

“I feel like we need to talk.” Namjoon approaches Jin who was sitting on the sofa in Namjoons still small but at least without water damage, living room, staring at the wall for quite some time now. 

They had a slow morning, sleeping in while cuddling, eating breakfast they prepared together. Namjoon had thought that everything was alright, just a bit thrown off when Jin suddenly got quieter by the minute. He hasn’t understood why that is, but when he came back from the bathroom a minute ago he could see Jin staring at something, a photo to be precise. 

He still hasn’t managed to go through all his boxes, wanting to sort through the stuff when he does so, which causes the boxes to be, by now, the newest decoration that probably won’t be going anywhere until he moves the next time. 

The photo Jin was staring at, deep in his thoughts, was one of Namjoon and Jisung. It was on top of one of the opened boxes, something Namjoon thought he could store away since he doesn’t quite want to get rid of it completely. 

“Huh? No no, I’m alright!” 

“Maybe. But communication is important and I really don’t want to go another year without talking to you.” Namjoon sits down next to Seokjin, leaving some space between them though, “and something is bothering you.”

Jin is silent for some time, staring at his hands, and Namjoon lets him, patiently waiting for the older to eventually open up, even though he can imagine what might be the problem.

“Its just something irrational. I know it is.” Jin sighs, his shoulders slumping, he still doesn’t look up. 

“But it bothers you, no matter how irrational you might think it is.” Namjoon takes one of Jins hands in his, holding it, his thumb softly grazing the soft skin. “You worry because Jisung and I didn’t broke up, but he died.” 

“Like I said, its irrational and stupid.” Jin sighs, “my brain just comes up with all the what ifs.” 

Namjoon hums. “I know what you mean. I felt the same or at least similar for a long time.”   

“You did?” The older glances up, before quickly looking away again. 

“I did.” Namjoon nods, even though the other couldn’t possibly see it, “after Jisung died I found myself in a very deep hole of grieve. I loved that man, I couldn’t imagine a life without him after I always just imagined one with him. After some time, I confronted myself with the question if I would be able to ever love someone else ever again. I immediately felt guilty, wouldn’t that be cheating? Wasn’t it way too soon to ask myself that? Wouldn’t it be just fair when I would never open my heart for someone else again? Friendships alone can be fulfilling as well, can’t they?” 

“All I did then was realize that I need more time, and I was going to take it. Grieve has no expiration date after all. When I met you guys I still wasn’t in a state that I would call anywhere near normal. I suffered from sleepless nights and the world just spinning like it always does, like nothing happened. But with time I slowly began to see that not just the world continues to spin like it always did, but that my life didn’t end with Jisungs death. Over even more time the feeling of guilt slowly vanished, and while I realized that Jisung will always hold a special place in my heart, I also saw that there was space for another person, for new love that is just as special and unique as it has been with Jisung.”

“I can’t change the past. And today, would I be given the chance, I also wouldn’t do it. I am who I am because of the things that happened until now, even though it meant to go through a lot of pain and loss and darkness. All the what ifs that ran through my head will never have the chance to come to live and thats alright, because I am able to be as happy as I can with the today that is today. I don’t need to dance with ghosts to feel something, I don’t need to close myself off from any possible feelings, just because I feel guilty in front of someone that I can’t even talk to anymore.” 

“What I want to say is, that my feelings for you aren’t less deep and honest. You don’t have to compete with a ghost. And all the what ifs aren’t something that will play out. The world wouldn’t be like we know it today would that be the case, and honestly, we will never know how it would look like if there would be the possibility of fulfilling those scenarios.”

Its quiet for a while after Namjoons monologue, Jin seems to be deep in thought, but his hand doesn’t escape Namjoons, which he thinks is a good sign. His eyes slip out of the window, where the day already is in full swing, its cloudy, offering a break from the insufferable heat that has been around for way too long in Namjoons opinion.

“I know that I don’t have to compete with a ghost, but hearing you say that is way more reassuring than I thought it would be. I also didn’t think I would need to hear what you just said. I’m not the best with voicing my feelings like that, I guess experiences in my past made me close myself off to those things. But I want to relearn how, with you, because of you, because I want this to work, despite my insecurities.”

“You don’t have to do that alone. We are both in this relationship, its not the responsibility of just one of us to try and make this work.” 

“You are way too patient and good.” 

“You are worth it Hyung.” Namjoon wouldn’t have waited a year if Jin wouldn’t be worth it. When he loves than he does it with everything he is and he is sure they can make it work, they will do so, maybe it will take time, but everything does, and as long as they are both wholeheartedly in it, Namjoon thinks there will always be a path they can take, they just have to find a rhythm that fits them.         

“Maybe, when you’re up for it, we could try therapy. I’m sure we both have things to work through still and while we can do a lot ourselves, it could maybe be a good thing to have a professional on our side.” He suggests after a while. He had fairly thought about it for a while, for himself, thinking its long overdue, and now with Jin at his side, he really thinks it could benefit them both. 

He sees Jin slowly nodding beside him, “yeah, I think we can try that.” The smile he receives is genuine, bright and hopeful.

154 Days

They stumble into Jins apartment after yet another date Namjoon took Jin out to, that maybe had the tension between them heated up, tingling beneath their skin with want, after not being close like that for months now. 

Sure they have kissed after reconciling but neither of them has dragged it further than a make out session, wanting to wait, to take it slow, to make it right. The day today hasn’t been much different than their usual days, than the dates they have already been on, but somehow it has been different altogether. 

There just was something in the air between them, heated glances, lingering touches on arms and thighs whenever possible, words that haven’t been spoken yet but that convey a mutual pining, mutual desire that is ready to bubble over the edge to consume them both whole. 

Neither of them seemed to want to act on it at first, they ignored it to their best ability, Namjoon had just wanted to kiss Jin goodbye like he always does after their dates, but when he tried to back away, with the feeling of not enough simmering in his stomach, Jins hand in his neck had hold him close, his tongue had flicked over his bottom lip asking for more, and who is Namjoon to deny his Hyung that?

He had gladly opened his mouth, a groan escaping him when their tongues met, dancing for dominance, which he gave up to the older gladly, who was pulling at his hair, the pain more pleasure, tingling through his body right to his cock, that twitches helplessly in his trousers. 

They had made out like that, hungry for the other, hands roaming, pushing and pulling and desperate, when their hips clashed, their half hard dicks digging into the other ones thigh, making them both groan loud enough to snap out of it for a second just to realize that they still stand in the hallway in front of Jins apartment. 

“Stay the night?” Red cheeks, disheveled hair, blown out irises filled with hunger that has nothing to do with food, Namjoon is sure he must look the same. 

“I’d love to.” He has mumbled over the loud beating of his heart of which he was almost sure Jin was able to hear. The beeping of the door when it finally opened to let them into the safety of Jins apartment sounded like a promise, that just got deepened when his back hit the door as soon as it was closed again, Jin pressing against him, like he was ready to devour Namjoon. 

And Namjoon is ready to get devoured, a moan escaping him when he feels Jins hands making a way beneath the fabric of his shirt, fingers scraping over his nipples, pinching them before he rolls them between his fingers like he wants to sooth them after treating them like that. It has Namjoon putty in the elders hands. 

His head thuds against the door, which has Jin dragging his lips over his jawline instead, over the skin of his neck where he nips and licks and leaves a mark that has Namjoon moan, loving the image of himself all marked up by his Hyung. 

His cock is already hard, almost painfully so, just with the prospect of what he knows is about to come. 

Another moan slips from his lips when he feels Jins cock against his hip, pressing into him, providing him with the memory of how heavy it felt in his hands or on his tongue, how the length and girth always felt so heavenly filling him up. Just thinking about it makes him loose his mind a little bit. 

“Wanna suck you off Hyung.” He hears himself mumble, feels drool pool beneath his tongue, hands trying to hold onto something just to find themselves in too much fabric. 

He bunches it, wrinkles it, but he can’t not do it when suddenly one of Jins hands cups his erection, has him bucking up into the hold, desperate for any kind of friction. 

“Just when I can prep you, baby.” 

“Please,” Namjoon whines, he knows he does, but he wasn’t feeling embarrassed, why should he when Jin captures his lips again, moaning into it, just as desperate for it.

He can’t say how they make it into the bedroom without getting hurt, since their lips just part when they loose their shirts somewhere between the front door and the bedroom, because when they land on Jins bed, they are both naked. 

Somehow Namjoon ends up above the older, their cocks dragging against each other, making both men moan and groan, and Namjoons head spin, which isn’t just because of the sensation surging through his body, the overwhelming need, but also the air that fails to get into his lungs properly.     

When he really needs to part with Jin, he presses his face into the crook of his neck, pressing kisses wherever they can reach skin, Jins nails scraping over the skin of his back when Namjoon kisses his way down, remembering that he wanted to suck the older off. 

But when he finally reaches Jins cock, pressing a featherlight kiss on its head, a hand gets into his hair, yanking him away, making him mewl, “not like this baby.” Jin says, voice dark and low, eyes dilated. The hand that isn’t holding Namjoons head reaching for the night stand drawer pulling out lube and condoms.

“Turn around baby, you can suck Hyung off while I prep you.”

Namjoon moans, scrambling to do what Jin told him as soon as the grip in his hair loosens. “Just like that baby.” Jin groans when Namjoon noses along his dick, giving it a kitten lick or two, before he closes a hand around the base, beaming when he hears Jin moan behind him, a hand that has been on his hip dragging him down some more, a lubed up, slightly cold finger traveling through his crack, catching on his rim. 

His eyes flutter close, his lips closing around the head of Jins cock, moaning when he, at the same time, feels the finger breach his rim. He breathes through his nose, willing his body to relax into Jins hold while he lets his cock sink deeper into his mouth, reveling in the delicious feeling of it, at the taste of pre-cum on his tongue. 

“Doing so good baby.” Jin rasps when the second finger breaches Namjoons rim. Opening Namjoon up carefully, but avoiding the bundle of nerves purposefully. It doesn’t matter because Namjoon was writhing above him anyway, especially when, finally, the third finger gets added. 

Jins cock falls out of his mouth when a guttural moan escapes him, a single thread of spit connecting them. 

“Oh fuck.” He feels himself rock back onto Jins fingers, having the older cursing while watching. He tries to get back to sucking Jins cock, but as soon as he closes his lips around it again Jin angles his hand different, hitting his prostate and lets him see stars, the other hand gripping his hip tight enough to leave bruises. 

His own movements getting faster, desperate, he can feel himself losing it, his orgasm near when his stomach tightens, but he doesn’t want to come like that, instead he pulls himself away, lets Jins finger slip out of him, ignoring how empty he suddenly feels. 

He turns around, straddling Jin instead, “need you to fuck me now.” He rasps his throat hoarse from all the moaning already. 

Jin looks at him for a second before Namjoon is pulled down by his nape their lips connect in a hungry kiss and his back hits the mattress. Hands on his thighs makes him open them wider, “I will baby.” Jin groans against his lips when his cock catches his rim, slowly pushing in without losing any more time. 

When Jin has bottomed out fully, the older, to give them both a few seconds, kisses him again, slower than before, sensual, taking his mind off the slight pain that surely gets exchanged with pleasure of having, of feeling, Jin like that again, of being full, his fingernails digging into smooth skin, leaving marks behind when he begins to circle his hips to his best ability, suggesting that he is ready. 

The rhythm is slow at first, just like their kisses, but it does nothing to quench the fire and thirst within them. The drag of his cock is delicious, Namjoon can’t quite concentrate on kissing, and the friction on his own cock, thats trapped between their bodies, dripping pre-cum already is good but not enough.

“Hyung, please!” 

“Please what baby?” Jin noses along his jawline, his tone almost mocking, almost because he is just as breathless, giving away how affected he is as well. 

“Faster, please Hyung.” Namjoon lets his hands fall onto his own thighs, pulling his legs further against his chest, opening himself up more for his Hyung to take. 

“Just because you asked so politely sweetheart.” The older picks up the pace almost immediately, pushing himself up onto his hands, changing the angle of his hips like that, which has Namjoon seeing stars. “Hyung,” He whimpers, not knowing why, if he is pleading for something or just because its the only thing he can think about.

“Feeling so good,” Jin groans after a particularly harsh thrust, his head thrown into his neck, looking ethereal. 

Namjoon had to give up to try and meet his thrusts, his hands slipping from his own legs, which he instead circles around his Hyungs hips, digging his heels into his butt trying to get him even deeper. 

He was babbling, he knows he is and Jins almost constant praises and moans and groans that mix with Namjoons and the wet squelching sound flying around the room, has his ears tingle, his world spinning, has him teetering towards the edge in a speed that would under different circumstances be embarrassing, but right now Namjoon couldn’t care less, not with Jin looking just the same, their rhythm becoming sloppy.

A hand closes around his neglected cock, one flick is enough to have him tumbling over the edge, its so sudden that it has him blacking out, clenching around Jin which has the older, after a few more thrusts coming inside of him, he collapses above Namjoon, his face hiding in his neck, Namjoons arms circling his back, holding him close while they both come down from their high together, gently, in a bubble of not yet said out loud I love yous but with the feeling of them around and within each other as clear as day. 

118 Days

“I’m glad that the night is finally over.” Yoongi groans next to him. They are standing in the backstage area of todays concert venue. Outside, where the fans are, is still a lot going on, at least it seems that way, given that they are still cheering. 

“Not yet.” Namjoon shakes his head, the band did already do their last songs and did spoke to their fans like they always do at the end of their concerts, but they are yet to come down from the stage. “What are they even doing up there?” 

“Being themselves?” Namjoon wouldn’t be surprised when they began taking photos with a few fans and such things that are delaying them all being able to go home and are giving their bodyguards small heart attacks. 

“Are you around for the after party?” 

“Which after party?” 

“Heard Taehyung talk about one that he thought about throwing, I think.” Namjoon wondered, it could really well be that he didn’t catch everything of what the younger has said the other day, Namjoon had been slightly distracted then. 

“Hell no,” Yoongi shakes his head, looking like he had just told him a horror story, it has Namjoon laughing. 

“Could be that I’m wrong but…” He shrugs. 

Somehow the noise from outside gets less and in the next moment the band appears in front of them. Namjoon, leaning against a small counter had wanted to greet them, but he doesn’t get the chance because Seokjin practically flies into his arms, lips crashing onto his own, more teeth than anything for a couple of seconds. 

They would have fallen, at least stumbled back a bit wouldn’t have Namjoon leaned against the counter, his arms coming around Jins waist to hold him close, supporting most of his weight, while he laughs against lips and reciprocates the kiss, ignoring the shocked gasps and groans behind them. 

“You were amazing.” Namjoon whispers against Jins lips. 

“I know.” Jin laughs, and after another peck, turns around in Namjoons arms, to look at their friends who are all silent (a rare sight), staring at them. 

“That explains so many things.” One of them whispers. 

“Please, thats harmless, I accidentally walked in on them the other day.” Taehyung shudders visibly, but his boxy smile big on his face, while shock runs through Namjoons body. 

“Don’t worry Hyung, I was faster than flash and out of your apartment again.” 

“And you didn’t think of telling us?” Some asks, while Namjoon feels like asking just the same out of other motives though.

“What that they are fucking or that they are most likely boyfriends now?” 

“Both!” 

“I didn’t think its my place Yoongi Hyung! Since when are you so nosy?” Taehyung laughs. 

“Its my job to know such things.” Yoongi pouts. 

“Now you know Yoongi-ah.” 

“We need to talk about it!” 

“But not tonight Hyung. Lets go home.” Hoseok grabs Yoongis arm to slowly drag him away, winking at Namjoon and Jin, clearly happy for them. 

“Fine.” Yoongi grumbles, forgotten is the supposedly not getting thrown after party, Namjoon can see a hint of a smile on his face though, before he gets dragged out of the venue for good by Hoseok. 

Epilogue

Seeing the best photos of his work of the past five years on a big screen fills him with pride and awe and it makes him happy beyond believe that he doesn’t seem to be the only one who seems to feel something while looking at those photos. 

He has worked hard, but so did the band, who for the first time today as well, are seeing the whole collection. Namjoon and Yoongi did everything they could to prevent them from snooping to see which photos it have made in the end, after he struggled to decide for some good amount of time. 

He didn’t even told them the theme, the concept he went for. At the beginning it was because he wasn’t sure himself, just figuring out the overall vibe, but with more and more time it has been easy, the concept has found him on its own accord.

Presenting it in a showcase like this, with some of the closest people to the band invited and a set up where they stream it for the fans has been the best and safest solution, even though Namjoon wouldn’t have been opposed to the idea of presenting his work like they would do in a gallery. 

Instead he watches all those lived moments once again on a screen, captured by the softest and mostly silent instrumentals of the bands music. Yoongi had originally wanted for Namjoon to comment on any and every picture he chose, but that would be against his work. 

For one, because he would have to talk a lot and for a long time, which he isn’t keen on doing and for the second reason, the pictures should be able to tell a story of their own, to elicit feelings in those who are watching without needing someone to point them out. When he can’t do that, he wouldn’t do it altogether anymore.

He catches himself smiling, seeing the people around him doing just the same while seemingly never looking away from the screen where the band currently dances around doing what they are best in: being their goofy selves. 

Because that is exactly how Namjoon wanted to capture them, in their truest form, when they are alone or with each other or alone with each other. How they are when they are on stage, how they are literally glowing with energy and happiness, how they interact with their fans, and who they are when they are around friends, how they look when its getting serious, how much joy they feel when making music or annoying Yoongi. 

What they are doing when they are alone, at their movie nights or during board games, how they jump around and put their all into a card game just to later laugh about it when it has gotten heated just a few minutes ago. 

He had wanted to show them, with how much love and gentleness and care they treat each other, how they have serious conversations when needed, how they hug and cuddle, how they are in their truest form of being themselves. And maybe there aren’t just photos rolling over the screen that Namjoon took, but that the Band themselves took as well, because they have a different view, a view that Namjoon couldn’t have, or adapt even if he would try his hardest. 

In the end he wanted to portray them as what they are, Humans. With every gesture, every tear, every smile, every emotion they have felt and are feeling, because so many people tend to forget that they aren’t just some figures that jump around a stage for other peoples enjoyment, but because there are dreams behind it, a passion that had them take so many steps. There is love rooted so deeply within them that it is moving so many people.

“This is beautiful.” Jin whispers next to him, their hands laying in Namjoons lap, fingers intertwined, shoulders and thighs pressed against each other.

And maybe it is, and people are probably able to see that, in those five years, the photographer has found new friendships, and when they look even closer they would see just how he fell in love, because, its there, in the way the photos he took of Jin slightly change, getting warmer, even more focused. When people look close enough, they would see that this job began to stop being a job he took out of need fairly early. 

And maybe, they giggle when they scroll through social media, coming across all the theories, all the gushing people and fans that have Namjoon blushing and Jin cooing at him, before they fall onto the sofa, ready for whatever the future might hold for them, ready to heal to their fullest, to love and be and live and hope. All this between slow kisses and silent love yous that will echo within them, for a very long time.            

                                                        END