Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It starts in court. Two giant alien ladies awaiting sentencing. Two zircons working on a murder case. One fourteen-year-old boy is ready to take responsibility for his family's misdeeds.

“I’m Rose Quartz,” Steven says, flashing his gemstone at the two giant diamonds in front of him. His voice is full of confidence in his actions, but deep down inside, he’s still a little afraid. He may be willing to take on his mother’s sins, but that doesn’t mean he wants to die in her name. 

But who else could answer for her crimes?

Yellow Diamond looks at him with disdain, demanding immediate execution of the sentence. Blue prefers to quietly condemn and push him, waiting for answers to her questions.

They both thirst for revenge for the grief that his mother caused them.

The appearance of the snow-white Pearl with a cracked eye and an unnatural smile on her lips suddenly changes the situation. Zircons immediately end their speeches, the Diamonds also fall silent, Lars screams something in his bubble, and she-

Her one visible eye immediately focuses on him, who flinches nervously under the intensity of her gaze.

This was the moment when the long grief of the Diamonds finally ends.

~

Much later, when Steven as a whole is no longer there, Gem tries to talk to the Diamonds.

Leaving his room on the second day after he and his human half were torn apart, he demands asks their location from Aquamarine, who had been temporarily assigned to him as his permanent attendant. Having learned the place, he slowly but firmly walks towards one of the many rooms of the pink palace. He's lucky that after what happened, the Diamonds chose to stay nearby. They want to think about what happened where it was easier to keep an eye on him. 

But even if they were on the other side of the Homeworld, he still goes. The feeling of inferiority buzzes in his gemstone like an unsatisfied need, forcing him to act.

This feeling will not disappear in the next few months, but at the beginning of his existence everything it is especially painful. All the thought processes in his head revolve around one thought. He can reason, he can think, but now he is completely focused on the task of becoming whole again.

The duo of burly gems guarding the door to the meeting room fold their arms in a diamond salute, but he doesn't stop to look at them. Only in a monotonous, robotic voice demands to let him in.

After this, he finally meets the diamonds again.

They immediately stop their conversation, turning their attention to him. Blue beams, happy to see him, despite his dysfunction and memory loss. Yellow seems more tense. It must be hard to believe so easily that their little sister played at being a revolutionary all these years and then decided to kill her personality on her own.

He doesn't care about them. He just thinks about how lucky he is that they don't have White with them. He's not sure he could handle her very well now.

"Pink!" Blue Diamond greets him first, clapping her hands happily. "It's nice to see you again."

“Although we thought, you’d prefer to stay in your room for a while longer,” Yellow, sitting next to her, suggests dryly. But her tone isn’t one of judgment, rather, it’s a semblance of concern. When they first encountered both halves of Steven… It wasn’t a pretty situation.

He is silent, looking up at them.

He's not really sure what to say to that, or how to even begin the conversation. His identity, torn away from Steven, only functions for a few hours at most, and there's no hope of constructive, meaningful dialogue. All this time he was too busy thinking about the need to feel whole again to wonder how exactly he was going to achieve this.

It's definitely a problem when he wants something from the diamond duo in front of him. A very noticeable miscalculation. He should have thought through the conversation in advance.

“So, why are you here?” Blue asks politely, noticing the prolonged pause.

He looks at her.

"Where is he?"

He doesn't need to specify who exactly he's talking about. Everyone present was there when Steven was divided. Each of them understands that he can only ask about one being.

“Why do you want to know?” Blue’s face changes into a sympathetic expression.

“I need him,” the answer sounds dry and short.

"Absolutely out of the question." Yellow intervenes immediately.

Gem turns his head to her. She meets his gaze confidently, eager to prove the validity of her decision. Her firm voice implied the end of the argument.

He doesn't agree with this.

“I need him,” he repeats, but with a little more pressure.

This time his voice does not destroy floors and walls. The previous incident was an attempt at a show of force, which ultimately did not show positive results. Rather, it worsened his situation when resisting three powerful diamonds at once and caused a delay in achieving his main goal.

There were objective reasons why he had only come forward to talk now, and not immediately after being forcibly sent to his own room in the white sphere. He needed to process the experience.

Now he is ready to consider alternative strategies.

"Oh, by our empire... It's dead!" Yellow waves her hand casually in the air, an annoyed expression on her face and another eye roll. "It's an organic being. They're very fragile."

It makes him freeze for a second. To briefly step away from the reality around him and immediately turn to the connection that Steven's Gem and his human body share, in order to check the veracity of her words.

It's like an internal reflex. The opportunity to feel each other on a certain emotional level. His psychic abilities definitely have something to do with it.

From the other side comes the distant hum of a muffled mind and weakened body. His other half is not in the best condition, but he is still alive.

The only reason Gem doesn't feel relieved is because he hasn't given himself a second to consider the possibility that his human half, his body, might be dead.

"Lie," he says after a few seconds, focusing his empty, piercing gaze on Yellow. "I need him."

"I assure you, it can’t be..."

Her words are suddenly interrupted by Blue's quiet voice, which had remained silent throughout the previous exchange.

"It's actually alive."

“What?” - Diamond stumbles over her own words, then turns a look of genuine incomprehension to her sister. He, accordingly, also turns his head to Blue. “I thought we got rid of this!”

"Pink has been a part of this human for a long time. I thought that keeping it alive to better clarify the circumstances of their coexistence would be a good decision."

So his other half is in Blue's possession. He remembers that.

He also remembers that Yellow has nothing against his murder.

"Can I try?" Blue casts one last glance at her irritated sister, waiting for a nod. And then she addresses him with parental tenderness. In the same voice that Pearl once spoke to Steven, trying to explain to him why he should not be followed on the mission of the Crystal Gems. The comparison seems absurd, but surprisingly appropriate to this situation. "Pink..."

"She's gone," he cuts her off immediately. He knows what that name means and he doesn't want the diamonds to continue confusing them.

Blue Diamond looks at him with a strange expression in her eyes, clearly wanting to say something, but after a moment deciding it's not worth it. Instead, she holds out her palm in front of him, a silent invitation to lift him higher.

He does it.

"After so many years of coexisting with an organic being, it must be strange for you to be living independently again," Blue slowly straightens up, raising him to eye level. "But you don't have to... live as before. We'll provide you with the support you need, and we'll help you every step of the way as you recover."

They talk about his missing memories of the life of the previous Pink Diamond. They talk about his inability to physically express emotions and his flawed personality. They talk about his inadequacies in a way that seems fixable.

They must know that this is impossible.

"If you share with us the details of your condition, which we might have missed during the previous check..." She talks about how White whitewashed him, trying to "fix" him. Her face expresses discomfort, which Gem notes for the future, but now appealing to her feelings seems pointless. He came here to demand his other half, not to argue about humanity. "Then we might even simplify the process for you!"

Blue continues to smile. She looks happy, thinking about his separation. And she thinks that he should be happy with her conclusions, too.

He is not.

“I don’t want to live independently,” he looks straight into her eyes, without moving, without blinking, and deliberately using the words she had said.

Blue's smile slowly fades.

“I need him,” he says for the fourth time.

Perhaps repeating the same thing over and over again is not the best strategy for achieving a goal. But in his disconnected, incomplete state, Gem can't think of anything else. His speech patterns are monotonous, and his thinking is too repetitive.

He doesn't notice it. But the diamonds do.

"This will accomplish nothing," Yellow Diamond puts a hand to her forehead and shakes her head in disappointment. Her sharp diamond-shaped pupil bores into his between her fingers. "You'd better forget about that human. Whatever they did to you on Earth was unheard of, and we won't let it happen again."

He feels like he's not doing his job very well. They either don't hear him or they don't understand him.

Perhaps he should repeat it again?

"I need-..."

“Tell me,” Blue’s voice patiently interrupts him. “Why do you think you need it?”

This makes him freeze and remain silent again, trying to process a response that would convey the gist of the situation well enough. None of the diamonds rush him.

"We were created to exist as one." he finally finds the right words.

Pause.

The diamonds in front of him exchange glances. There's something in them, some emotion, that he can't quite place. A whole dialogue, conducted with just their eyes.

Yellow suddenly slams her fist on the table, looking away from him abruptly and muttering angrily under her breath. Blue looks particularly upset, putting the fingers of her free hand to her mouth. The now familiar tears are forming in her eyes, but her power is not yet out of control.

“Oh, Pink…” she whispers, pressing her fingers even harder to her lips.

He feels a slowly growing buzz in the stone, a growing sense of irritation as the scene continues. Not understanding the reasons for the sudden change in the behavior of the Diamonds and not really wanting to understand.

They are simply stalling for his time. The very time when he could already be reunited with his human half.

"Even if we wanted to help you, we couldn't," Blue starts speaking again just when he was about to repeat his phrase for the sixth time. "White gave us firm orders regarding your reunification."

Finally, he hears something new. Although the news is not very pleasant. He does not frown outwardly, but he certainly begins to ask himself mental questions.

White was in his mind. Literally. Shouldn't she of all people see how incomplete he was without the fusion of his other half? Shouldn't she of all people know how cruel it was to keep them apart? What else could have been the point of her forcing herself into his mind and gutting him from the inside out?

"Why?" All these questions that he slowly analyzes in his head burst out loud in just one single word.

Blue looks at him with the same sympathetic gaze. But he suspects that this sympathy is not directed in the direction he would like.

“Your situation… should never have happened,” she clearly tries to choose her words gently, again reminding him of Pearl in this strange way. “Whatever they did to you on Earth, forcing you into this… coexistence, it has affected you greatly. But perhaps you can at least recover a little if you start living separately?”

He doesn't answer right away, still stuck on the first part of her words. They think he was forced to exist like this? But his mother deliberately wanted him to be born half gem, half human.

"I don't want to live independently," Gem repeats, with a little more emphasis, hoping to mention this small fact. Explaining the situation with his mother seems a little more difficult, but he is not even allowed to begin.

"Of course you don't! You have absolutely nothing left of your personality!" Yellow throws up her hands in anger, nervously tapping her heel on the floor in an extremely human manner. "It will be better for everyone if we continue to keep you apart. Preferably forever. And finally get rid of this putrid piece of stone, along with all its organic debris..."

He knows that if he were still whole, that last sentence would definitely make him nervous. That's the only reason he's even paying attention to it.

But what worries him even more is their stubborn insistence that he be kept away from human. Forever. Permanently. The idea itself is not only laughable, it is completely and unimaginably absurd. Improbable. Impossible.

It just doesn't register in his head, causing the equivalent of a small short circuit right in his thought processes. At which point he freezes again, going completely inward for a good minute.

And then.

His gemstone hums in the very center of his stomach. The world around him blurs with a strange, unexpected noise. His expression doesn't change, his hands don't flinch, and there's absolutely no outward sign that he's heard her words at all.

But he is. And he definitely has an opinion about it.

"Pink?" Blue Diamond is the first to notice that something is wrong. But he acts first, raising his head sharply and repeating the same old phrase once again, much louder. 

"I need him!"

The force of his scream makes Blue waver, and he hurries to jump off her hand, which has instantly become an unstable platform. The tiles crack loudly under his feet, shattering into bright pink shards. He doesn't have enough lightness in him right now to glide down neatly.

The situation quickly goes downhill from here.

"Don't tell me you're doing it again!" Yellow yells at him, leaning her palm on the table where she and Blue had been sitting earlier to keep from falling to the floor. "Even after losing your memory, you still throw your foolish tantrums!"

He doesn't care what she says. He doesn't care about his past or how the diamonds see his situation. They can't stop him from reuniting with his other half.

They shouldn't exist separately.

He can't continue to live in such an defective state.

"Pink, you need to pull yourself together immediately," Blue Diamond looks at him sternly, although in the dialogue he is clearly trying to take a more peaceful position. "We are not doing this to harm you! You just don’t understand right now what will be best for you..."

Actually, they don't understand it.

They don't understand at all what he's going through right now.

They don't know what it's like to feel like half of himself and to be told that he will never be allowed to feel whole again. They want to keep him forcibly divided, forever condemning him to this imperfect existence where he will be physically incapable of doing what he was originally created to do. They are going to take away his ability to be human.

"I need him. I need him. I need. I need…"

His voice sounds like a broken record because there really was nothing else going on in his head right now.

He wasn't going to let himself get upset again. He was going to get his way some other way, but even hearing them talk about splitting him up, sincerely believing it would be for his own good...

His gemstone is not cracked or otherwise flawed internally. He would know if it were. But something inside him is definitely breaking at that moment.

He sees a blue hand approaching out of the corner of his eye and reflexively sends a sharp, diamond-shaped platform at it. Blue immediately pulls her palm back, clutching it with her other hand and staring at him with wide eyes. Of course, something like that wouldn't damage Diamond's light shell. But the fact that he hit her was clearly startled.

For him too.

Actually, he wasn't going to attack. He wanted to create a shield.

But now, recreating these strange constructions feels much easier and more natural. And his lack of self-control only makes things worse.

"Pink," Yellow Diamond stands up right after Blue, focusing all her attention on him. Her face deepens as she takes the first step. "If you don't calm down right now, even in your... current state, there will be consequences this time."

He doesn't back away from her. He doesn't create any new defensive structures.

This time he just looks at her. And looks. And looks.

And then he opens his mouth.

"NOOOOOOO."

The loud scream makes everything around him crack and break again. He doesn't even try to convey any idea, doesn't really try to talk about anything. He just splashes out all the accumulated emotions, trying to protest against the decision that was made even without his participation, by gems he practically doesn't know, but who are absolutely sure that it will be better for him.

He's had enough.

He wants to feel whole again.

The air hums with the power he has shown. The world around him spins just as it did yesterday, when he first appeared and tried to prove his right to exist. But now he is trying to prove the necessity of his merging with a human being and-

"Enough."

He fails. Just like last time.

Something that hums in his stone and calls for action blown away by a sudden wave of sharp, causeless grief. This whole disgustingly pink world around him suddenly plunges into blue and all his feelings are noticeably muffled. An empty, but so loud cry ends in an instant and he suddenly falls to the floor, like a puppet with broken strings. His knees fall on the cracked tile and he can discern his reflection floating in the pink shards.

His expression is blank, as always. But moisture is rapidly forming in his eyes, and large, unrestrained drops of tears are running down his chin and onto the mangled floor. His vision is quickly blurring.

He tries to focus on his lost thoughts, but the force-fed grief resonates with his own emotions and he just-

He can't. It hurts too much.

Behind him, Blue slowly rises from the floor, still holding him in the grip of her powers. If he could see now, if he could know her thoughts, he would know that she did not want to resort to extreme measures. But the powers of their lost little sister are too destructive, she is clearly not in control of herself and perhaps now they can come to an agreement?

Only Yellow gets ahead of her, starting a dialogue first.

"So it's over," her voice is sharp and condescendingly cold. Each step makes a loud sound as her shoes meet the cracked tiles.

Through the blurry image before his eyes, he sees Yellow Diamond rushing towards him.

His own hand shoots out in an instinctive attempt to protect himself.
But his powers are still dependent on his emotions.

And he-

He's angry, he constantly feels lost and incomplete, but most importantly, he's still under the influence of Blue's powers, turning his entire current emotional background into a dirty mess.

He tries to create a shield, because it should be easy when he wants to protect himself. Or at least these strange pink constructs. But the overwhelming feeling of bitterness prevents him from concentrating, and they all disappear literally a second after they appear, dissolving into pink sparks. His hands fall, catching on the broken tiles on the floor. Large drops of tears still run down his face.

And the next second Yellow grabs him by the back of his shirt like a weak kitten, lifting him up. And he can't even resist in his current state. He can only hang his hands down, watching the world around him swim from the tears that filled his eyes. Exactly until Yellow's piercing eyes stare into his face.

Though the tears still obscure his vision, Yellow doesn't seem to be too bothered.

"We wish to be gentle with you, Pink, given your condition. But this..." Her face contorts in a sharp pang of irritation. "This is beyond all bounds."

She glances back at Blue, who silently rises from her seat. It doesn't look like the other Diamond is going to interfere with the training process. Blue still keeps her powers on, keeping the unruly Diamond in check.

With the other's silent encouragement, Yellow shifts his grip to a more comfortable position, squeezing him in her palm. Her voice, her stern gaze, and the general destruction of the room do not bode well.

"So we will be forced to take action."

Chapter Text

He constantly wakes up and falls asleep again, physically unable to keep track of the time that has passed. His mind is full of soft cotton wool, which greatly obscures all sensations except the endless pain. A terrible ache that does not stop for a second. And at the center of it all, an acute need for something, itching from the inside of his defective body. It hurts so much that he can barely breathe.

Bright spots of color in green and blue glides around him. Voices from all around mix into a single unpleasant cacophony, cutting into his ears and existence wasn't so bad when he first...

When he first what? He doesn't remember. He doesn't even remember his own name, or who he is now. All he knows now is that he's sorely lacking something right now. As if someone had made a terrible, bleeding hole in each of his internal organs, and forgotten to fix it.

"What's so special about these... Organic things?"

When he wakes up again, something around him seems new. Among all the bright colors around him, two huge silhouettes of blue and yellow stand out. The other colored spots scurrying around seem very small against their background.

There is an inner sense of importance, some suspicion that they mean something. He tries to reach out to these spots, tries to raise his voice to tell them that he needs something, but only muffled, painful sobs penetrate aloud. Only now does the realization come that his mouth is plugged with something, forcing air directly into his non-working lungs.

The smaller colored figures scurrying around pay attention to his movements, starting to hurriedly move around his body. But they're not trying to ease his pain or remove this thing.

"Throwing a whole tantrum over literally nothing. And for that?"

"Pink spent a few years being part of a fusion. She probably just doesn't know how to live any other way now and reacts to it, well... like Pink."

"She's completely forgotten her old personality, but still has a tendency to throw childish tantrums? Annoying."

The world blurs before his eyes. Whole chunks of reality disappear, and the words spoken aloud are barely conscious. Most likely, he should not be conscious at all right now. He is already on the verge of passing out at any moment. Black spots coming from the edges of his vision gradually strive to fill everything.

Something yellow, towering in the room, sways strangely. Suddenly, the air begins to smell of a strange, sharp smell. But he is too out of it to pay attention to possible threats. He does not even realize that he is in danger at all.

"Then we especially should not follow her newfound whims. Especially so absurd ones. It is just a waste of time of good gems who could be doing more useful tasks at this time."

"It's not Pink's fault that she was forced to love it. And I don't think it's a good decision, Yellow..."

The lingering scent of charged nitrogen in the room suddenly disappears. Giving in to a sharp rush of dizziness, he closes his eyes and can't seem to bring himself to open them anymore. A dull noise gradually begins to fill his ears, blurring the voices even more.

"Explain."

"She doesn't trust us. And if we're rude to her, she'll never forget it."

"In time, she'll calm down, and realize that this is for her own good. As always."

"Maybe so, but this creature is all she remembers right now, Yellow. I'm as angry about this whole situation as you are, and I agree that what happened to her is terrible. But are you really going to kill the only thing that makes sense to her right now?"

"She wants to fuse with this human! This isn't just a pet situation..."

More and more pieces of reality are slipping away from him. Everything is finally blurring into some kind of unclear cacophony of sounds, as the blackness takes over his imperfect consciousness.

"We'll... didn't do. If... she... compromise."

"You... always too... her."

In addition to the conversation of the two, snatches of other voices are suddenly picked up. His feverish body becomes the object of someone else's attention when he begins to feel the touch of cold metal and the harsh light of gems literally from everywhere.

"My diamond!..."

"...organ failure... Human heart!... Light generator..."

"...mortal risk... How much...?"

"Stasis chamber."

At this point, his weakened consciousness finally loses the fight against fatigue and pain, switching off for far from the first time.

The next time he wakes up, it will be a very, very long time later.

~

The place he finds himself in after the confrontation with the Diamonds is very dark. A single beam of light breaks through from somewhere above, illuminating a small space. Although it is not yet possible to see the surroundings well. For the most banal reasons.

Gem gets rid of the remnants of tears that spoil his vision and were caused by Blue earlier, clearly meeting the absence of her powers with some relief. All this emotional mess... Very uncomfortable, except for the words better.

Carelessly thrown inside this place by Yellow, he rises to his feet, shaking pink tears from his fingers and looking around more closely. Wherever he ends up, there is confined space. High dark walls made of black stone are visible around. The only source of light here is a small window located high above it.

"Think about your behavior for a moment while we decide what to do with you," they told him shortly before throwing him here. And there are some conclusions to be drawn from that. The place looks suspiciously like a prison, straight out of the movies and cartoons that Steven is familiar with.

It's hard to say yet what that means for him in the long run. But he refuses to just sit there. The run-in with Blue has left him feeling pretty raw, but the angry buzzing in his stone still lingers.

His eyes landing on the narrow window. Gem tilts his torso slightly, focuses strength in his legs, and leaps high into the air, landing on the lower platform of the window. It would probably be difficult for someone larger to pass through, but he is small enough to fit here without inconvenience. And on the other side…

Homeworld. Still just as bright, shiny and absurdly perfect.

Gem doesn't think much about it. At the moment, the priority is figuring out the current location and where the search for a his human body might begin.

The complex architecture of the buildings is difficult to discern, but the large white head in the center of the square is a reliable landmark. From this angle, only a half-side view is visible, whereas from Pink Diamond's room he had a full profile. Just following the line of sight, he easily finds the pink box called the palace.

It's as good a destination as any.

The only problem is the translucent grey glass that runs from the middle of the window to the opposite edge. It has to go.

Experimentally, Gem put pressure on the barrier. When that doesn't work, he creates a dense pink structure that slams into a translucent wall with one sharp swing. Faded gray sparks run across its surface, absorbing the blow without any problems.

Having drawn certain conclusions, he jumps back down.

Gem makes several more attempts to break through.

He aims several pink crystal platforms at once at the black plates that line the inside of the tower. Then he lets out his deafening scream, by this point already convinced that this is one of his previously hidden powers. When nothing happens, the physical approach is next. Both hands become wrapped in hardened pink structures and strike the wall directly.

He does this several times just to check, spends his time on these attempts, trying again and again to destroy the walls. If the senses weren't so muted right now, he would have said that each blow was being delivered with increasing desperation. More diligent.

Pink platforms strike black slabs one after another. Loud screams are repeated, shaking the very air, because he is not afraid to break voice now.

But nothing happens. Absolutely. Even the smallest cracks do not appear on the walls.

So he stops. The limits have not yet reached even half, his stone hums from such an intense use of forces and from the piercing irritation caused by his own helplessness, but it is pointless to continue in this spirit any longer. There's no way to get out of here like that.

He internalizes it and immediately starts running through another options.

Based on the new facts, it's entirely possible he was sent here to calm down after his recent outburst. Whatever this place is, it's doing a good job of containing his powers.

Perhaps the Diamonds will come for him soon.

The only question is when?

Their behavior is impossible to predict. He knows that the Diamonds are deeply attached to the person he was before becoming Steven. But he has no idea about their lives. Nothing is known about this tower. They could come for him today, or they could come in a week or longer, which he finds a most unpleasant prospect.

Now, being a Gem, he can easily cope with being alone for a long time without food, water, or other organic needs. But what if something happens to the other half during this time?

He stops his train of thought right there, feeling a sudden need to check. And immediately gives in to the impulse, clinging to their shared connection. 

There is a response. The human is still alive. For now. It is only a matter of time before his body begins to fail, faced with the need to function independently for the first time. They need each other. Physically. Every minute lost is a minute when his body dies. And Gem definitely doesn't want to face that prospect. He doesn't even want to imagine such a possibility.

But what can he do, trapped in a tower, that keeps him in place so well?

If he were a full-fledged person, then a solution would come. He could definitely come up with something.

But at the moment, he is only half of himself.

The light inside him is angrily distorted by these thoughts, spreading throughout his body. He doesn't like the prospect of just... sitting and waiting. All his directives demand action, because the man is in danger, and Steven could die. The feeling of infinished also spurs him to act, to quickly solve this problem and return the missing parts to himself.

He shouldn't exist like this. He shouldn't be so... useless right now. And isn't it strange that with all his incompleteness and detachment, he feels anger and disappointment so clearly?

Pink hands tremble slightly before clenching into tight fists, a pink aura gathering around them. All the power he's been holding in comes out in a bright wave of color, colliding with the walls. He can feel the tension, squeezing everything around him and giving off a dull, continuous hum in the air.

But this entire rush of solid energy is once again harmlessly absorbed by the black slabs that line the inside of the tower. Emphasizing that despite all the emotions he was experiencing, he would not be able to leave here so easily.

~

He loses his sense of reality as he tries to cope with his emotions. And after a while, which seems to him too long, he finds himself leaning against one of the walls of the tower, and the feelings inside him are numb and detached.

The anger won't help matters, and unfortunately it won't make him feel any better. So, it’s even for the better when it finally goes away, giving way to a more familiar detachment.

Gem stares blankly at the wall opposite. The light from the lone window dissipates in the semi-darkness, illuminating the black tiles. After so much time, he is forced to admit that talking to the Diamonds is his only option to cope with the situation. They themselves clearly expect a direct dialogue, which is what Yellow said when she sent him here. 

Attacking them is possible and he is still considering this strategy, but putting emotions aside, he prefers to avoid this possibility. Yellow may be questionable, but Blue has already proven herself to be the one who can demoralize him in an instant. And White...

Anyway, in order to attack or talk, he must first wait for them. And how long it will be? And will he be able to cope with this time at all?

Emotions hum inside him demanding action, and the inferiority constantly presses on him in the most unpleasant way, only intensifying them. It is like a need that he is unable to satisfy. A very painful need.

He doesn't want to- he can't continue to feel this way.

So, he turns to his memory databases.

People have the ability to rest when they are tired. Sleep. To turn off their minds and let their brains process all the experiences they have had during the day.

Gems do not need sleep, but they can do it if they want to. He's not sure if he'll be able to sleep at all in his current state, but he can at least try. And in a dream, wait for some changes in the situation.

This sounds a little better than the alternative.

He changes his position, lying down like a flat log on the tower floor. Arms folded at sides, legs moved together. He closes his eyes and listens to the sensations, deliberately trying to push aside everything unnecessary.

The floor beneath him is hard and cold. The air is stale, with limited access to the planet's atmosphere. The lights are dim, which should be good for sleeping. But other than that, this is definitely not a place to sleep.

Uncomfortable — the word suddenly pops up. It describes the situation well enough.

He tries to change it.

From his exceptionally straight as a stick position, he relaxes a little, turning onto his side. One of his hands is placed under his head, and the other surface of the floor, noting the absence of any unevenness or roughness. Then he leans forward slightly, bending his knees and curling up into a ball.

The result is quite satisfactory, considering the complete lack of pillows, beds and other comfortable conditions for sleeping. 

He closes his eyes again and deliberately replays old memories before his eyelids, hoping that this will help him distract himself from his own experiences and fall asleep faster.

~

Falling asleep takes time. A lot of time, and he loses that moment when he finally do it. It is lost in a series of happy memories that belong to Steven as a whole.

For a long time he doesn't dream about anything. But he doesn't feel the clock ticking, and he doesn't even really realize how time passes. And that's exactly what Gem wanted in the first place.

He's just sleeping. 

Until somewhere out there, deep in the darkness, a faint, flickering pink light appears.

Gem does not see a dream, and therefore does not exist in the present moment. But through the endless metaphorical treacle of solid blackness, he goes to this light. Approaches this leisurely, so familiar pink shimmer. And when it finally catches up with him...

The darkness slowly dissipates, giving way to bright light.

And then it comes back again. But everything seems a little different.

It is still dark around him, but through the darkness he can see two long, thin legs in front of him, dressed in snow-white tights. His cheeks are framed by soft curls. One pink hand sadly embraces his knees, which are clasped together. The other at this time is slowly drawing some patterns on the familiar floor.

Suddenly he realizes that he is a girl. A girl who sits in the same tower where he was not so long ago.

Leaning her back against the wall behind her, hugging her knees with one arm, she mutters softly to herself.

"I just wanted to have fun with them..." Her sobbing voice is barely audible, and her head is lowered. From this angle, he can see the puffy shorts and pink ballet flats on her feet.

"I just wanted to make them laugh. Yellow has been working too much lately and she needs to relax a little..."

She shifts slightly to the side, sighing and stopping the movement of her fingers on the tile. Her voice sounds strangely familiar.

“I didn’t mean to disturb her,” the girl assures herself, pressing her face into her neatly closed knees. “I didn’t mean to ruin her work.”

Her lonely voice is drowned out by the silence of the tower.

“I’m so, so sorry.”

She doesn't say anything else. Whole hours of sleep are drowned in this melancholic, lonely silence.

~

Gem wakes up to the sound of the door opening. The visions of his recent dream flicker before his eyes for a few more seconds until the image of the lonely girl in the tower disappears completely, allowing him to focus on reality.

He will think about his dream a little later.

"Pink?"

The door, previously merging with the black tiles, slowly opens, letting in a figure already familiar to him.

Blue Diamond's distressed face can be seen from beneath the dark veil as she finally enters the room fully. However, even with her obvious sympathy, there is a certain caution in her actions. She knows he is dangerous and will be prepared for that if necessary.

That's probably the only thing stopping him from doing something rash. Blue isn't the best opponent, considering her powers easily pass through his barrier. And Gem definitely doesn't want to be alone again, without knowing when the Diamonds will come next.

So he's not considering leaving this place by force right now. It's better to take a page out of Steven's book and at least try to talk to them, as much as he can in his current state. He can do it.

"I hope you understand why we were forced to take such measures." A look of guilt flashes across Blue Diamond's face as she slowly kneels down in front of him to somehow close the height gap.

“We wouldn’t want to do this, but Yellow and I are worried about your uncontrollable power...” Blue Diamond’s voice hardens a bit as she continues her monologue. “In your current state, we can’t be sure that you won’t destroy the palace, harming not only all gems working here, but yourself as well.”

She was starting to remind him of Pearl again, somehow. It's strange.

“So we need to be absolutely sure that this situation will not happen again. Good?"

Blue stares at him, silently expectant. Hoping for a positive answer, of course.

Gem looks at her, knowing full well how much he doesn't care about any of this.

“I need a human,” he repeats his words again, like a broken record. Not expecting much anymore, but still wanting to try.

“What are you…”

For the first time since he’s been here, Blue Diamond looks irritated. Her brows furrow for a few quick moments before suddenly giving way to a look of weariness.

She shakes her head sadly.

“We won’t let you go back to your old existence," she says bluntly.

That’s not surprising.

His stone is still buzzing with discontent about the whole situation. But this time Gem doesn't express it outwardly, under Diamond's watchful gaze. Blue is able to emotionally disorient him in an instant, and even he, with his very limited thought processes, can understand how much such a decision will reduce his chances of successfully reuniting with his other half.

He just closes in on himself and lowers his gaze, pondering the further course of the dialogue. Will it be risky to continue? He knows that his human body is currently alive and is with her. By continuing this conversation, Gem will either speed up unwanted events or somehow manage to reach an agreement. But every minute counts, and there is a risk that if he plays by the Diamond's rules and listens to them, it will take too much time. He cannot simply remain silent.

"He'll die," Gem looks up at Diamond, silently asking for understanding. His next words sound more like a manual being read than a truly structured sentence. The monotonous, robotic voice only adds to the effect. "The organic component cannot function alone."

Blue Diamond is silent. Her distant, lost expression still hasn't changed.

“Please,” he adds when the pause drags on. Gem is not entirely sure about the benefits of politeness at this particular moment, but he remembers that compliments and pleasant words can lead to the desired result in a conversation. He was pretty sure of that when he was still whole.

"But then you'd be trapped again!" Blue cuts him off suddenly, a hint of desperation in her voice.

She doesn't seem surprised by his words. Either she already knew his body was dying, or she simply doesn't care about his fate.

"I wasn't," Gem protests. 

Another pause. Then a sob.

There's a wet glint in the eyes opposite him as Blue suddenly reaches her hand closer to him. But he doesn't let her touch him, dodging her fingers a second before they touch his curly pink hair.

Diamond doesn't insist. She just freezes for a moment, then just as slowly removes her hand, awkwardly pressing it to her chest. Her expression is pained.

"White explained to us how your situation is," She sounds much quieter at this point. "So you really only care about it?"

There are tears budding in her eyes, and as expected, his vision blurs just as quickly. Fake grief bubbles up in his throat, but this time it doesn't feel as strong.

“These forced feelings…”

The tears are growing, pouring down his cheeks in a steady stream. Gem tries to push them away, but it seems futile.

“How cruel would it be to make you love the state you were in before? To love someone who keeps you trapped?” Blue continues to say

The blurry blue spot opposite hurriedly returns to the door. The tears do not stop.

“I need to think for a while…”

Gem jerks his head up, obeying a sudden instinct.

"Don't kill him," he asks, even before Diamond leaves.

The blue spot stops. For a split second.

She leaves without answering him.

~

The next time the door opens, Gem is not sleeping. Nor is he sitting somewhere on the edge of the room, patiently waiting to talk to the Diamonds.

As soon as a small gap appears, he immediately rushes forward, not wanting to waste time... only to be stopped by a yellow wall made entirely of destabilizing beams. The contact feels like a burn on human skin, forcing Gem to quickly pull his hand back.

It only lasts for a few moments, but it still feels quite painful.

“Didn’t I tell you to think about your behavior?”

Raising his head, he immediately encounters Yellow Diamond's impassive, calm gaze. Her palm is raised and wide open, creating a wall crackling with yellow lightning, blocking the only exit from the tower.

“You really are like back to the very beginning,” Yellow winces and sinks to the other side of the wall, as if she doesn't perceive him as a threat at all now. “Impulsive and completely incapable of thinking for more than a few seconds.”

Gem calmly meets her condemning gaze. He doesn't care about her words at all. 

He just wants to get out of here. The last conversation with Blue did not convince him of the safety of his other half. And the sooner he gets this sorted out, the better.

"Let go," he demands, releasing her hand as soon as it stops hurting. And looks at Yellow Diamond with a sharp, disgruntled piercing in the depths of his emotionless eyes.

"Not now."

"Let go," he repeats with more intensity, adding force to his voice. He doesn't have the patience for all this right now.

Yellow doesn't seem at all impressed by his outburst.

"If you're going to scream again, I'm going to leave you now," she says clearly, without any attempt at subtlety. "I don't want to hear it again."

That shuts him up. The scream might distract her enough to remove the barrier. But if he fails...

Will the risk be worth it?

"If you think you can handle me, think again," Yellow seems to read his mind, looking at him with a frown of condescension. "I've dealt with your tantrums for a long time. I know how to handle you, Pink."

That adds a little weight to the other side of the scale. He can still try, of course, but... he really doesn't want to lose Yellow now. It's not profitable.

Temporarily, he forces himself to put the matter aside. But not to forget it.

"I'm not her," Gem just quietly protests, stepping away from the wall instead of taking direct action. Disappointing.

Gem not sure he should speak now. All the things that are bothering him now would be perceived by Diamond exclusively negatively. And if he tries to assume that she might want to hear...

He's not sure how good he is at this. Ideally, he'd rather not talk to her at all. 

"You may not remember your past, but you wear the Pink Diamond gemstone. No matter what you want, you'll be treated as such." Yellow looks at him indulgently, folding her arms across her chest.

It doesn't make him feel any better, but he's already been willing to accept their ignoring him. So, nothing new.

Gem feels dissatisfaction growing somewhere inside him, as she looks at him thoughtfully, tapping her fingers on her forearm. They won't listen to him anymore? How often does he have to repeat this thought in order for someone to understand his words?

"I came here to discuss your conversation with Blue," Yellow calmly sits down on the other side of the barrier. "But... tell me. What were you planning to do after you ran away?"

He stares at her silently. A several minutes.

“Talk to me and I'll think about letting you out,” she adds after realizing that he's not going to answer.

This changes the situation.

“Find the human.”

"How?" She asks immediately after. "Homeworld is huge. You have no idea where it could be."

"We're connected," Gem stares dispassionately into space somewhere behind her head. "I can feel him."

This causes Diamond to pause for a moment. Her brows furrow in unspoken emotion before quickly returning to their usual frown.

“Then why didn’t you follow it right away, but turned to us?”

"Ineffective."

He could have gone straight to the search, but it would have been much easier to ask directly about the location of the human. It was enough to look out the window in the former Pink Diamond's room to understand how branched and complex the architecture of Homeworld was. He did not want to stumble over constant dead ends.

Looking at the consequences of this decision, it would still have been better if he had skipped the point of talking to the Diamonds and gone to find his other half himself, no matter how long it would have taken.

But there's no point in thinking about that now.

"What if it's outside the planet?" Yellow asks another question.

This time the answer isn't immediate. He needs to think about his options a bit.

"A spaceship."

"Can you pilot them?"

"I'll find someone who can."

"And you think no one can stop you in that time?"

"I'll handle them."

"While you're looking for him, I can give the order to kill a human."

This makes him look up sharply. Yellow calmly meets his piercing gaze.

"It's a matter of one call," she emphasizes dryly. "You wouldn't know about it until you saw it yourself. Or felt it. It doesn't matter."

"You won't do that," he states, as if he doesn't waver in his conviction. Although he knows that the advantage is not on his side.

However, Gem can't remain silent. Not on this matter. His emotions may not show outwardly, but inside he is seething at the threat he hears.

"We won't," Yellow agrees surprisingly easily. "He's not going to die, unless you provoke us."

"He's dying now," he comment. "I'm dying."

"You're not," Yellow Diamond squints. "And Blue's gems are doing everything they can to keep it alive now. So there's no need for tantrums."

He feels like only half of himself. This feeling of inferiority physically hurts. If he continues to stay here, he risks never becoming whole again. Stay split forever.

And for them it's just tantrums.

"I'm already making a deal with myself by allowing this farce. But you're clearly out of control when it comes to human. We can go meet halfway if you don't make trouble," She looks at him. "I would not like to resort to drastic measures again. I hope you agree with that."

She remains quiet after this, allowing him to process what he heard.

And Gem should be angry now. Just like he was when he was threatened with never being allowed to reunite with his other half. He should feel something about this. He knows it. If he were whole, he would find this blackmail terrifying.

But he can't.

It's wrong.

Silence is maintained in the room for a while longer, until Yellow decides to continue the conversation.

“What would you do if you were reunited with it?” she asks a new question thoughtfully.

“Fuse,” he says immediately. Automatically, without even thinking about the answer, how simple and unambiguous it is.

The look Diamond sends him without words tells him that he is missing something.

"And what will happen next?"

He's not answering.

Does it matter? They will be together. He well be whole again.

"You'll be on a planet you barely know. In a very... vulnerable human state," Yellow apparently decides that this is her chance to continue. "If you escape, Blue and I will send all of Homeworld searching to get you back."

Despite the firmness in her voice, she speaks slowly, condescendingly, giving him time to think over every word. She wants him to consider the prospects.

He wants to ignore it, as he previously ignored most of Diamonds' statements. But her words feels important in this time.

"And if your human vessel decides to return to Earth," he doesn't see her eyes narrow in disdain at this point. "We'll go there."

Her voice is like thunder. Firm, leaving no room for compromise, asking questions he hadn't thought of before, too fixated on his main goal.

And he gradually understands what she's getting at.

"We'll free you again," Yellow confirms his thoughts out loud. "And we won't let this situation happen again."

He doesn't like these reflections. The conclusions to which she persistently leads him. He wants to argue but...

“So what are you going to do now?” Yellow concludes.

He's keeping quiet.

The picture before his eyes is crystal clear and he no longer feels the need to answer her questions. The hum of the gemstone in his stomach seems so loud against the silence that hangs over the room.

She made him think for the first time about something beyond achieving his main goal.

He'd rather not do that.

~

After their conversation Yellow leaves him alone in the tower again. But this time he is in no hurry to fall asleep. He just sits next to one of the black walls, pressing his closed legs to his chest and staring blankly into the space in front of him. 

The question still constantly circulates in his thought processes. Repeats itself over and over.

What is he going to do?

The urge to become whole still hums within him, dominating all his decisions. It assures him that no matter how difficult the problem is, he can handle it after fusing. After he feels whole again and the need present in his stone calms down.

But the Diamonds may be an even bigger obstacle than he previously thought. Even if he were to fuse with the human, this may be a temporary event with extremely unpleasant consequences. And he can't afford to limit his actions to just one task any longer. Not with such risks.

His strategies for achieving his main objective must be reconsidered. A more complex structure of future actions must be created, including the possibility of doing something about the threat of diamonds or finding a safe place.

And he... He doesn't think he's really good at this.

The Diamonds are the primary threat. And of course, the first thought that comes to his mind is the possibility of attacking them.

But he has more than enough time to consider strategies and project possible futures. More than enough time to figure out who has the real advantage in this situation. And if the attempt fails...

Not an option.

He could find a place to hide after reuniting but how long could they hide from the Diamonds? And how long could they be alone with themselves before the human part of their fusion inevitably doesn't want to come to Earth? It's his- they house.

Would Earth even survive if they escaped? The Diamonds had made their feelings about it pretty clear.

He doesn't feel any attachment to this planet and its inhabitants at the moment, but he knows that he loves them. He loves them immensely, sincerely and so devotedly that as soon as he regains the ability to feel, he will agree to anything, as long as his family and loved ones are safe.

His human half, his feelings, he would never forgive Gem if he risked the safety of Earth for their reunion. Steven will never forgive himself for this, even in spite of the circumstances.

So, escape is not an option too.

And what about establishing relationships with the Diamonds? Attempts to establish communication with them and make them understand his situation?

There are problems here too. And it's not just that they refuse to listen.

With human intelligence comes flexibility. Sensitivity and the ability to anticipate the actions of others based on observations. Perhaps if he were whole, he could formulate a better plan of action to convince the Diamonds. But in his current state, he is too straightforward.

He needs a human. Even if separated, he must be able to establish contact. Just as, while still whole, he was able to befriend Peridot, despite her initially negative attitude towards the earth.

So his human half can do it again. Right?

If he could find a way to solve their problem with the slow death of his body...

Gem closes his eyes, pressing the back of his head to the cold tile. If he could feel anything at the moment other than a deep, constant sense of inferiority and a faint hum of irritation at not being able to get what he wanted, perhaps he could describe his mood as "tired."

Chapter Text

"HOW MUCH time have I missed?!" His human half asks much later, when they will finally be allowed to see each other.

Most of the important discussions have ended by now and they are just talking until it is time to separate the twins again. It is an unpleasant prospect, but their situation is a compromise until the diamonds can trust Gem.

This is tolerable, especially considering that he himself does not trust that he will not accidentally give in to instincts. But still, being away from his human half is quite uncomfortable. It is preferable to know and see personally what is happening to him.

"Three weeks," Gem repeats calmly, seemingly not noticing his twin's dumbfounded look.

"So we've been on Homeworld for almost a month?" The other stumbles in disbelief.

He nods.

The background of the conversation is the quiet hum of the machines and the rustle of gems working nearby. Sometimes some of them approach both boys, check some readings and look at them with excessive curiosity.

Aquamarine, not the one who kidnapped them, but the other one, assigned to watch over them and be able to immediately pass on news to the Diamonds if necessary, does not take her eyes off the duo at all. Many of the residents of Homeworld take their duties too seriously.

Gem doesn't care, but his human half fidgets uncomfortably under this attention every now and then. If possible, he wants to get rid of everyone around them. But he can't. Not in this situation and not at this moment.

The result of the work of local gem scientists, a bulky machine-generator powered by his-their shared energy hums dully, keeping his other half alive. Thick pink metal covers a pale human chest.

They will need to find a way to make the device more compact.

"It's been a long… long time," His other half clumsily grips the edge of the table they're both sitting on.

Human's expression suggests discomfort. In hindsight, his breathing wheezes slightly as he inhales, and every movement seems a little jerky, abrupt, and accompanied by a grimace of pain on his face.

Gem leans back calmly, resting his back against the wall behind him. They're separated, but not dying. He has to keep reminding himself of that. But there's still a thick sense of unease humming in his stone.

“The Gems didn’t come for me?” His human half stumbles over the words, his brow furrowing awkwardly. “Or rather, for us already…”

“They don’t have a spaceship,” he reminds dryly.

“Oh. Right.”

He can tell from the other's behavior that seeing each other like this, separated, is uncomfortable. But Gem had already filled him in on what was going on as soon as his human half had woken up. Now they both realize the need to be apart for some time.

His human twin agrees with it conclusions. But that doesn't make their forced separation any less painful.

"It must be scary," Human quietly suggests, looking around uncomfortably at the Peridots scurrying around. "Being on another planet, without the Crystal Gems and surrounded by a bunch of strangers?"

He thinks about it. The feelings he experienced during his imprisonment could definitely be classified as "fear" even if the physical manifestations of the emotion were absent, for obvious reasons. He had more than enough time for analysis, even if he preferred to spend most of that time sleeping.

He's afraid of being half of himself forever.

He's afraid of meeting White.

He's afraid of saying or doing something that would provoke the Diamonds.

But there is another emotion that is much more painful and clearer. One that he did not immediately recognize in his inferior state. Perhaps it actually means other things, but in the context of his situation it sounds most appropriate. It characterizes his inferiority well.

“Lonely,” Gem corrects his other half. “It was lonely.”

~

Thinking through a strategy for what to do next takes time. And as it quickly becomes clear, time is not something Gem complains about while in the tower.

Because the Diamonds still don't let him out, even several days after his last conversation with Yellow. And how long this forced confinement lasts is unknown.

"I can't trust you to walk around Homeworld without seeing that your... priorities have changed," she states openly when she comes back for another conversation. "Don't think of this as a punishment, but as an opportunity to consider your situation in solitude."

There's a hard glint in Diamond's eyes and her lips curl into a look of acute displeasure when she glances at him while talking.

"The stars are seeing, you definitely need to learn how to do that."

He may notice that it is the other way around. But in the short time that Gem knows the rulers of the Homeworld, he has already learns that the Diamonds usually either do not take such statements seriously, or react to them with extreme disapproval. And he doesn't need to turn them against himself. Establishing contact with the Diamonds and gaining their trust is a necessary step if he wants to reunite with his human half.

The fact that they seem to only want to talk to him at the moment must make things somewhat easier. So he doesn't really need to do anything. For now. Just avoid things that might potentially be controversial or uncomfortable for the Diamonds.

Except for one single issue, the resolution of which is necessary, despite the risks.

“I agree to stay,” he states firmly, deliberately ignoring her last statement. And then cautiously raises the issue. “After I see Human.”

He knows it's risky to talk about this again. Previous ineffective negotiations with the Diamonds could greatly reduce the chances of success in this conversation. But in order to work out his next steps, he needs to at least consult with his human half, and also heal the damage caused by the separation. Or at least find a way to reduce it.

Just by the look on Yellow's face, the chances of success in these negotiations are steadily decreasing by several percent.

“Are you talking about this again?” Diamond puts her palm to her forehead in an irritated gesture. “I told you, it’s being looked after…”

Wrong choice of words. Not what he wants to hear.

“He's dying,” Gem doesn’t even let her finish, cutting off the words quickly. “They can’t fix it. I can.”

“We won’t let you fuse with this…”

“Not for fusing,” he protests again. “For correction.”

There are things he's forced to think about when he's alone. The conclusions he must draw. Decisions he's forced to make if he's going to get through this without losing Steven. Without losing himself, forever a fragment.

He himself is not yet sure what damage has been done to his other half and how to fix it. But he will be able to orient himself according to the situation.

This makes Yellow do a double take at the pink Gem, but his blank expression still doesn't give Diamond any clues as to what's really going on in his mind.

"Blue's gems are working on this problem. We even got some scientists from the Human Zoo, as they are experts in organic life. Do you think they can't handle it?"

He doesn't know these Gems and he doesn't know Blue. He wouldn't trust his body even to the Crystal Gems if that were the case. He needs to see him in person if he's going to spend any time apart. He needs to see for himself that Steven as a whole won't die while he's apart.

“Yes,” Gem admits frankly.

He is afraid of a bad outcome. This is one of those feelings that he can feel so vividly even when he is far away from his other half. And such a decision is not really a decision, but only a temporary measure.

But he needs this temporary measure.

Yellow Diamond still has that skeptical, exasperated expression on her face. But to her credit, she doesn't ask why he cares so much about a human. Although her disgust at the whole idea is clearer than ever.

“We’ll let you out when I can trust you,” she says. And before he can remind her of his body’s slow death, she quickly adds, with a noticeable hint of irritation in her voice. “Nothing will happen to that as long as you’re here. If gems assigned to watch over a human fail to do their job, there will be appropriate sanctions. They know the punishment.”

This does not calm him down. But at least it gives him something to rely on when thinking about his next steps. If he needs to win the trust of the Diamonds to meet his human half...

“When?” Gem asks immediately, as soon as the thought settles in his head.

“When what?” Diamond asks him irritably.

“When are you gonna trust me?”

Their eyes meet. One looks at the other expectantly, with a blank expression that hides so much. The other with a constant sense of weariness from having to engage in such dialogues. Gem, torn from his own body, from the feelings, emotions, and human empathy that were once one with him, is a terrible conversationalist.

“It won't be soon,” Yellow gives him an answer that is far from satisfying. “But you will certainly speed things up if you finally stop asking about the human.”

~

He sleeps most of the time in prison between visits to the diamonds. Being conscious is too painful, and it is easier to simply give up on it than to constantly suffer from an acute feeling of incompleteness.

Gem quickly learns that he sees memories in his dreams. Dream-related abilities are nothing new to him. The identity of the mysterious pink girl is also not a mystery. It is enough to simply put together all the facts at his disposal and draw certain conclusions.

Magical dreams are an outdated concept for Steven. Familiar. Visions of his mother's past are not unexpected.

It's just a shame that Gem can't connect with his body this way. Either he's unable to do so in his current form, which seems rather silly considering his current state gives him better control over his powers than before, or the state his body is in prevents them from connecting mentally.

So he's left with only Pink Diamond's memories. They basically merge in his head into one single stream of events, united only by one location and the fact that he sees his mother in his dreams.

And they're not always as quiet as they first seem.

The last of his recurring dreams-memories suddenly begins with loud screams and violent blows from inside the tower. The black tiles easily withstand the force of its only prisoner's rage, but she does not care. Violence in this situation appears to be just a way to release emotions.

"They had no right!"

A pink fist meets the wall, a dull, loud impact. The tiles shimmer the same gray color, without breaking or cracking at all.

She doesn't seem to care.

"With Pearl and the others..." her voice stutters for a second, gasping for breath, before breaking into a low, pained rage-filled roar. "WE DID SO WELL!"

His hands shake as they hit the blank wall again and again. The blows don't register on the light projection in any way, but the gemstone in her stomach vibrates from the force used.

The moment seems almost endless. Angry screams and furious blows, over and over. But they gradually become weaker. The pink Gem runs out of breath with each new swing.

At some point, she slams her fist into the wall one last time with all her might, and then finally calms down, pressing her forehead to the cool black surface. Her reflection can barely be seen on the black tiles, although the light is too dim to see.

Gems does not breathe. But if she could, she probably suffocates at this moment from the force of her own emotions.

"How could I…" her voice loses much of its former strength as transparent tears suddenly begin to run down her cheeks. "How could I bring myself to break them?"

The fist still pressed against the wall slowly relaxes. Her fingers open and she runs her palm outstretched across the black tiles, sobbing softly.

Her head shakes, looking down. Her free hand, not pressed against the wall, slowly moves to squeeze the edges of the pink gem in her stomach.

The cut is strange, unfamiliar, but at this moment it is firmly known what exactly this stone is.

"Why is it so hard to fight against yourself?"

Her quiet, sobbing voice echoes around the room. The old Pink Diamond slowly rolls down, landing on the floor and quietly sobbing into her own hands.

The new Pink Diamond wakes up hours later in his lonely cell, with tears in his eyes that are not his own.

~

Blue at first clearly avoids talking to him. Meetings with her are rare and almost every time end in sudden bursts of tears and a storm of false, imposed emotions.

Her behavior and words sometimes make it seem as if Blue uses his very existence as a reason to be both happy and sad at the same time. A strange revelation that Gem, separated from his other half, is not very happy about.

“It’s so painful to look at you…” Diamond sobs during her last visit, covering her mouth with a trembling hand. “How did you even decide to do this?”

She tries to get along with him and clearly gravitates towards these brief encounters, but she is physically incapable of talking to him without crying. Considering Blue's abilities, this is not the most pleasant outcome.

Gem still yearns to feel, but these particular displays of emotion are quite uncomfortable and only further intensify his own grief for his other half. At such moments, he misses the naturalness of human emotions.

So, if he has to choose, he prefers to talk to Yellow more often. At least she doesn't cause any internal dissonance with her talk about the past.

Conversations with her happen much more often and unlike conversations with Blue, Yellow even if she is prone to some nostalgic impulses, they do not go beyond the bounds. She seems to be a great pragmatist and clearly tries to extract some specific benefit from each meeting. For example, to get to know him better, to share her thoughts regarding the future of the Diamond Authority in connection with the return of their last representative, to give a few thoughts for reflection...- 

Try to impose some specific opinions on him.

Yellow clearly aims to make him more than just half of himself. And normally he would certainly balk at that idea, preferring to focus on his main goal. But the situation on Homeworld is... different, for lack of other words.

He needs to listen.

Conversations with Diamonds are necessary for establishing contact. They want him to know more. So he tries to jear and remember. It is not difficult if he excludes a slight irritation from the very fact of having to waste time in such a senseless way.

It's also a chance to get some information that might be useful in the future. It takes him a while to realize this, but the longer his forced confinement goes on, the more he asks questions and engages in dialogue, other than to constantly demand to see his human body. It still doesn't work. And he can't just be passive any longer. It's just as fruitless a strategy.

“Previously, your duties included celebrating the Empire’s achievements and maintaining a favorable spirit among gems.”

Yellow Diamond is back in the tower. She carries on her quiet monologue, leaning against the wall behind her and gazing thoughtfully towards the only window in the tower. Gem looks up at her, with the dispassionate expression that is familiar to his face.

Now they are both in a room without a dividing barrier. The need for one has disappeared since the very first days of his imprisonment, but the door leading out of the tower is still closed.

"You threw wonderful balls to celebrate our victories..." A slight, nostalgic smile flickers across Diamond's lips. It's a frankly unfamiliar sight, considering that he's only ever seen Yellow's hard side before. "Where you loudly praised all gems who had especially served. Even despite your youth, you were of great importance to the entire Homeworld..."

Yellow's gaze quickly glides in his direction and that same small, weak smile melts from her lips, replaced by an uncomfortable, frowning expression.

"It's not like you'll be able to go back to that anytime soon. Is it?"

He doesn't want to "go back" to that at all. And he deliberately tunes out her further reasoning about how it would be possible to announce to the whole of Homeworld that Pink had returned when "their sister" was so defective and so different from her previous appearance.

In any case, he knows his answer is not required. Not in this moment.

In addition to the usual conversations on important topics, where Yellow tries to push certain thoughts and think about certain things, she, like Blue, uses their meetings to show nostalgia and gratitude towards the person he once was. Of course, Yellow's moments of nostalgia occur much less often. But they still exist.

Pink Diamond was truly loved by her sisters, despite her misdeeds.

Only he wasn't her.

Gem does not hesitate to remind about this again, just at the moment when Diamond's thoughts smoothly flow into discussions about his mother's work. Yellow immediately interrupts.

"You may not remember your entire past life, but we know you have bits and pieces of it. And you literally wear the Pink Diamond gemstone," she rolls her eyes.

Another flare of irritation. Needs to be rephrase.

“But I won’t be her,” he amends, lifting his empty gaze to her face. “Never.”

It is difficult for him to convey his own thoughts. His speech is too clumsy and there are omissions, confusion in communication occurs quite often, forcing him to correct his own words every now and then.

Despite her seemingly firm and uncompromising nature, Yellow is surprisingly patient with him at times like these. She may not take many of his words seriously, but she definitely listens to them, unlike Blue. Yet another reason to prefer talking to her.

“Well, that’s obvious,” Diamond replies to his words with a strange, unexpectedly sharp tone, his mouth twisting into a displeased grimace. “Your stupid behavior has consequences, and you’re certainly not yourself right now.”

He doesn’t understand the reason for her change in tone. But he wishes he could. Maybe it would make communication easier.

“Then why am I here?”

“Because we can’t risk you getting out of our control again and I want to make sure…”

“Why am I on Homeworld?” he corrects. 

Why should he hear about the person he will never be?

He understands what brought him, still whole, to this planet. What was the main reason he showed up at the trial. But somehow, being only half a whole now, he suddenly stopped wanting to associate himself with his mother. And accordingly, he stopped wanting to be here at all.

He never wanted it, to be honest with himself. But human emotions work strangely. He felt the need to answer for her actions then. Steven wanted it, besides all the other stuff with saving his friends and stuff.

Now he feels nothing but the desire to return to his usual state of hybrid stasis. To become whole again, in other words. He knows for sure that he is not his mother, no matter how much everyone around him tries to convince him otherwise.

“Why are you…” Yellow stutters. There’s a look in her eyes like she’s just eaten something really, really sour. “Just because you’re not being you anymore doesn’t mean we’re going to stop caring about you.”

She sounds and looks like he insulted her with just that question.

“We love you, Pink. Whether you remember it or not.”

Her words sound as if they should stir something in his soul. With a deep sincere breath and a huge sense of importance. Yellow is completely sincere in her words.

In Gem's own opinion, it's better if she didn't.

~

This is the first and last time he meets anyone, except Blue and Yellow. White Pearl with a broken eye successfully times him when he is conscious and awake. Which is especially telling. The other Diamonds almost always wake him up when they appear.

His senses are heavily muted, as is almost everything else at this time. But something about her still makes the light rushing through his light form freeze in foreboding.

Gem sees her snow-white skin, sees this unnatural smile and the stone sparkling with artificial whiteness, and understands everything. From personal experience.

"They believe they can fix you. Cure you."

Gem sits against the wall, legs pulled up to her chest, staring at Pearl, who towers unnaturally over him. She's still smiling, like an unnatural-looking doll. Like one of the characters in Connie's favorite book series. Lisa's old friend who was forced to serve on the enemy's side.

Connie loved the scenes with her appearance, because of the constant sense of tension and grief that came with her participation. She whispered to him that the subject of taking over someone's body always gave her the creeps, how close she felt to the feeling of someone else controlling her life.

When Steven was whole, he felt very sorry for this girl. Torn away from her family and relatives, forced to do things she didn't like, because of hypnosis... He cried when Lisa finally freed her friend and they both happily embraced.

Gem could pity this Pearl too. But he lacks empathy too much right now.

"They have so much hope for this. And I can't take that faith away from them so easily," she continues to stare at him. The light from above casts shadows on her battered face. "But you'll never be the same again."

He wants her to go away. He doesn't want to see her.

"And you'll never be whole."

But Pearl doesn't go away.

"I can't believe what that little game of revolution has doomed you…"

He tries to ignore her words. But the echo in the tower makes him listen. Voice seems strangely distorted and unnatural from lips that are not her.

“I’m sure you didn’t realize what you were signing up for when you did that little experiment, did you? The consequences of childish naivety and love for organic life have led you to a defective state to which you are doomed for the rest of your existence…” Her empty smile doesn’t change, but her voice takes on a new tone. A semblance of sympathy that sounds so wrong. “Unless you let me help you with your problem?”

As soon as she says this, Pearl's snow-white skin instantly acquires a pink filter.

White Gem flies back, examining the dense, strong structures that instantly surround him like a bubble. He doesn't even move from his place, but the shield he created doesn't need words. From under the neon light, small diamond-shaped pupils closely follow her every movement.

He knows what help means. And he doesn't want to be like the Pearl she possessed.

"So that's your answer," White says calmly, focusing again on the small figure at the very center of the protective structures. "Too bad."

She continues to smile at him even though he has refused. And she tilts her head unnaturally, feigning a deliberate, artificial, exaggerated lack of understanding.

"I don't know why you cling to this so much when you yourself understand that you will not be allowed to return to your former existence. Doesn't it hurt you to be separated?"

Very much. But Gem doesn't want to hear it from her.

"Leave." He speaks up for the first time since White was in the room. He doesn't understand what she wants or what she's trying to achieve if she's not going to tell the other Diamonds what she saw while digging through his memories.

But if this meaningless proposal is the only reason she came, so he doesn't want to listen it.

"I want to help you," the previously forced, unnatural smile slowly disappears from her face. "And you don't make my task any easier."

He doesn't intend to do that. He won't become her willing puppet.

White Pearl looks at him for a long time, as if waiting for a reaction. Words of response, be it an apology, an explanation, or a verbal refusal. But he simply remains silent.

"Okay then," she says quietly, as the familiar white bubble re-forms around her.

"You'll come to me eventually. When you realize it's the only way for you."

The snow-white sphere passes through the floor, leaving him alone again. Staring blankly at a certain point on the opposite wall, as if expecting it to return at any moment with its unwanted offer.

The shield will disappear completely only in a couple of hours.

~

Gem lies on the floor, arms outstretched, eyes closed, listening to the feeling of the light diffusing from the only window in the room being absorbed by his precious stone. His star-printed shirt is pulled up over his stomach, exposing it.

He doesn't feel like he needs any extra recharge right now. His reserves are practically limitless, and even after a long stay in a dark room, he knows that he has enough energy to function for several more months. It's one of those things he didn't think much about as a human, but he realizes after the separation. Like the awareness of time, the increased control over his powers, and a few other little things.

Things that come with being a gem now.

He doesn't see anything wrong with spending a little time lounging in the light anyway. Being in the dark all the time feels oddly uncomfortable. Besides, he really had nothing to do while he waited for the diamonds.

Gem briefly consults its internal clock to accurately track the five hours it has missed since its last sleep, then quickly checks its human half for feedback—still alive, still dying—and forces itself to relax in the quiet of the room.

He waits for some time, as if expecting the Diamonds to arrive at any moment, even though he knows that it is almost impossible to predict their visits. And after half an hour, he finally allows himself to fall asleep.

Pink Diamond in his dream also spreads her limbs across the floor and counts the seconds. She counts to three thousand nine hundred, then loses count and sadly starts over.

~

The next time he wakes up, he is greeted by Blue's voice, not Yellow's.

"What are you doing?"

The dream fades before his eyes, forcing him back into reality. Gem slowly rises on his elbows, while Diamond, who has just entered the tower, thoughtfully watches his clumsy attempts to stand up.

"Sleeping," he responds calmly.

The answer is far from what one would expect from a Diamond that is not so reverent about organic life.

"Gems don't need such an outdated information processing mechanism," Blue tells him sheepishly. Her brows are drawn together just slightly in a frown. "Are you having problems with your storage?"

She seems to be a little more aware of the needs of organic beings than Yellow, whether it's because she took on the responsibility of looking after the Human Zoo or because she's currently the one holding his other, human half.

"No."

"Then why?"

"Time pass."

Blue doesn't seem to have expected that answer. She opens her mouth awkwardly before closing it with a thoughtful expression.

"You're bored here, aren't you?"

That's not why he's sleeping. But there's no need to convince him otherwise. Let her think what she wants.

Blue slowly shakes her head at his silence before moving slowly to sit against the opposite wall of the tower. She looks at him with a slight, undisguised curiosity and a softness in her eyes.

As if plunging back into the old nostalgic feeling.

“You look so small right now...”

Surprisingly, she doesn’t seem to be about to cry again. Despite the slight melancholy in her voice, there are no other consequences.

That's good. He really doesn't like it when Blue Diamond cries.

"Why don't you change your form?"

Does he have to?

"Can't."

“It’s not hard,” she doesn’t seem too upset by his answer. “Probably if you just return the stone to how it was originally…”

Blurred images of dreams flash before him. His mother, being a Pink Diamond, had an inverted gem. And he can feel all the facets of his gemstone now. Including the ones that are usually hidden in his belly.

But…

"Don't want," he feels no need to change form. The current one suits him just fine.

Blue's smile twitches a little at the edges.

“You can’t stay in this form,” her patient voice is taught. They’re meeting for the first time in days, and Gem isn’t sure if this conversation is an improvement over the constant tears.

He doesn't understand why Diamond cares about his current appearance.

"Why?"

“It’s not… you’re supposed to look like Diamond. The way you’ve always been. It’s not your real appearance.”

“I came out like this.”

Blue obviously disagrees with this idea. “That’s not true. I know what you’re supposed to look like. You took on this appearance yourself when you reformed...”

What he must have looked like before he became Steven, she means. Another mention of his mother.

“I’m not the previous Pink Diamond,” Gem looks at her tightly, not letting her finish her sentence. How many more times will he have to remind them of this?

Finally, Blue stumbles over her words. Her speech breaks off mid-sentence, followed by a sharp sigh. Her expression, which had been growing increasingly irritated as the argument went on, returns to a distressed one.

“Your form is frivolous and unbecoming of a Diamond,” she says more calmly instead, visibly considering her words. The slowly growing irritation in her tone disappears, replaced by disappointment. “Whether you remember your old life or not.”

He still doesn't understand, repeating his question. "Why?"

She waves her hand vaguely towards his entire light body, implying that the answer must be literally before his eyes. But the context is still noticeably elusive to Gem. He's grown up with this appearance all these years and never before...

Ah. Now he understands.

“Because I look like a human?”

The very thought should cause something. If he were whole, he would definitely feel a little insulted. But now Gem feels surprisingly calm. He doesn't care. Mostly.

The only concern is what this whole dialogue with Blue might lead to.

"Yes. It's wrong that you keep appearance of it." She doesn't even try to deny it.

And there's something uncomfortable about it. In what she considers wrong. For him, this appearance is the most correct thing that can be.

"It's he," he corrects quietly. "Not it. He."

It seems easier to latch onto that small moment than everything else that Diamond's revelation entails. Because Gem isn't sure what he's supposed to do with her confession. He only knows for sure that he doesn't want to change his appearance. He knows this with the same certainty that Garnet is cool, Amethyst eats trash, and his human half will die without him.

Blue is silent for a long moment, considering her words. The look of sorrowful sympathy on her face seems so meaningless now.

"Do you realize that you were forced to fusing?" She tries to reach him again. "Now that you are separate, there is no longer a need to maintain this appearance."

"No," he tries to interrupt her words. Despite trying to be diplomatic now, Blue's insistence is starting to get on his nerves. It's certainly better than her crying, but it's still unpleasant.

"Maybe you'll at least consider..."

"No," he says with more force, cutting off her hopeful, obsessive voice.

Her expression suddenly changes at this point. She seems just as irritated by this unexpected conflict as he is. "Even if it means you'll be locked up longer?"

Gem blinks. The words ring with something deeply uncomfortable deep within his stone. Contradiction. He wants to get out of here as soon as possible, to reunite with the human and formulate a plan of action. Changing form would not in any way conflict with this task, except that he simply does not want to do it. A lot.

He is Steven. Still Steven, even if stripped of his empathy, his attachments, and his human body. Even if stripped of everything that makes Steven Steven, he still identifies with that appearance and that name. And his very programming resists the idea of ​​even temporary shapeshifting.

At least, not for that reason. Not at the request of the Diamonds. Not with the one who so insistently calls him by a name that is not his own and tries to force him to take a form that is not his.

But...

The hand reaches obsessively for its own stone, nervously covering it with its palm. With the fingers, one can physically feel the uneven, vibrating hum.

How much longer can he afford to sit here? How much time does his other half have?

The contradiction he doesn't want to resolve reverberates throughout his form, making the light flowing through his entire body roar. He doesn't want to answer this question. He can't choose...

The situation is resolved abruptly when Blue makes a low, frustrated noise at his distress and prolonged silence.

"You really don't want to do this so much?"

"Yes," the answer bursts out of him in one tense word. Short and sharp. After a moment's thought, he raises his empty but piercing gaze to her, almost desperately. "Please."

Blue looks at him with a mixture of pity and displeasure. She shakes her head and her shoulders slumping in disappointment. She clearly hoped to get through to him, but...

“At least please change into something more appropriate,” comes the quiet compromise, “You don’t have to hide your gem.”

He ponders this thought, and the tension that reigns within him slowly dissipates. Changing his appearance will not be a problem for Gem. He doesn't like the idea of ​​not looking like Steven, but clothes are a small thing, and if he does it, it will be good for his relationship with the Diamonds, right?

"Thanks," he says. His voice can't fully convey the relief he's feeling right now. Even if the Diamond itself was the original cause of this situation.

Blue nods at him, but her bitter look doesn't go away. 

~

From that moment on, he begins to see Blue noticeably more often. In addition, one cannot help but notice that she has become much better at controlling herself. There are practically no tears anymore and most of the grief is clearly behind her.

Most likely, she has finally sorted out her emotions and can see him again without that immediate tearful response.

Gem sits by the tower window. Or more accurately on the window, leaning his back against the side of the opening and silently looking at the landscape of Homeworld through the translucent gray glass.

He recently tried to break it again, and again nothing good came of it. Not even the smallest crack was visible, no matter how much force was applied.

"Our Empire stretches far beyond the horizon," Blue takes a seat next to him, looking into the small window with a slight melancholy on her face. She smiles softly, holding the bottom frame with her finger. "We own several dozen star systems. And many of these planets are so beautiful..."

"You destroy life by colonizing them," he interrupts with a dry, emotionless condemnation. The gleam and shine of the colorful buildings outside the window contrasts sharply with the dark kindergartens he stores in his memory banks, with the dead earth and lonely rocks that are not illuminated by the sun.

"It is important for the expansion of our empire," she does not deny, but she does not seem particularly moved by his accusation. "You will understand that it is a necessary sacrifice."

Blue speaks with too much confidence for someone who has lost her sister in similar disputes before.

Gem tries to find a response within himself, to resent her words on behalf of Steven and his mother. He knows he must. But inside him there is only the same detached emptiness. The only emotions he can feel in his current state are obsessively tied to his other half, his desire not to be associated with his mother and banal survival instincts.

"I know a few places you'd probably want to see. You liked them a long time ago," Blue continues to talk excitedly. "Perhaps they could awaken something in you?"

He doubts it very much, but does not argue with her. He only focuses his gaze again on the vision of distant buildings beyond the gray window.

From this height, any gems doing something down there look like tiny bugs. But he can watch how big and shining buildings rise on the horizon, and spaceships take off from the planet and disappear somewhere into the depths of space. All this is very different from the views of the earth. More alien. Although are they alien to him, considering that he is Gem now?

Perhaps it would be better for him to leave these thoughts until he became whole. They make no sense now, and to reason about the senseless is a human privilege.

"It would be best to start by exploring our home," Blue notes his change of interest, also glancing toward the main square. "Gems of your court will be so happy to hear of the return of their Diamond..."

He is not surprised by the fact that he has Gems. That should come with the title of ruler.

Something tells him that his human half won't be thrilled with this.

"There weren't many of them, but that's why you treated each of them with such reverence and love." Blue's thoughtful monologue continues, supported by the silence of her interlocutor. Most conversations between gems and Diamonds are like this. "And they loved you back."

Involuntary memories of Jasper come before his eyes. About how fiercely she fought for her Diamond, whom she thought was dead. There is definitely some truth in Blue's words.

"You were happy to involve them in your games and you rejoiced so much with them when you got the colonies..."

Tears are forming at the edges of Blue's eyes again. But she quickly notices how the only other gem in the room is trying to get rid of the unwanted, consistent moisture on his face.

"Sorry," she says quickly, regaining control and smiles apologetically, removing her hand from the window. "I'm just so happy you're back with us, Pink."

Something inside him twitches in a familiar way. “I'm not...”

"Please," Blue's voice interrupts. Not aggressively, but very insistently. "No need to ruin this moment."

He snaps his mouth shut. Establishing contact is a priority. There is no desire to bring back Diamon's tears or prolong this imprisonment any longer.

Accepting this thought, he returns his attention back to the grey window glass.

In the reflection, against the distant alien buildings, a calm-looking pink Gem is visible. His expression is still blank, and the pink gem shines on his bare stomach under his raised top. His appearance has been edited according to Blue's earlier instructions.

His hand lifts to touch his fingers to that emotionless reflection. There is something very, very unnatural and wrong about it. Steven should not look so calm and detached.

"Perhaps you'll be able to return to the palace soon. Yellow is pleased with how your conversations are going," Blue obviously misreads the gesture, watching as Gem runs his fingers along the glass that separates him from the outside world. "Isn't that wonderful?"

He slowly moves away from the glass, deliberately looking away from his reflection. Even though leaving the tower is clearly his top priority right now, Blue's words don't exactly fill him with joy.

~

New dream brings with it a each dream-memory.

"How can you expect us to give you a colony when you can't even look after your own yard?!"

Yellow Diamond's loud moralizing echoes around the room. Her heels click loudly on the floor as the self-assured ruler paces from one corner to the other. But her face is not visible. Not from this angle.

Pink Gem, as the eternal central figure of these dreams, listens silently to all the lectures intended for her, looking down at the floor and clasping her hands together at her stomach. The whole picture seems very muffled and strangely swaying, which is not uncommon in dreams.

"You made a mess in the main square, ruined your own performance and talked several agates into all this madness..."

Pink Diamond visibly jerks from her position, abruptly lifting her head to stare up at her sister. It's now very easy to see Yellow's lips curl in displeasure and her frowning gaze directed to the side. The height difference between the two Diamonds only serves to emphasize her authority.

"Are they okay?" Concern pierces the usually calm, distressed voice. Pink hands rise up, clasping together excitedly across her chest.

"What?" Yellow pauses in her angry march briefly to look back at the culprit. But she doesn't seem to care at all about the question. "Oh, yeah. Sure. They're puffed up and demoted, but nothing more."

Her hand waves casually through the air as Pink's tense shoulders gradually relax with relief.

"The other gems shouldn't be held responsible for the pranks you set up. Their only fault is that they couldn't talk you out of it," Yellow says curtly.

"Right," Pink Diamond noticeably calms down, looking down at the floor again. She doesn't even try to argue with the accusations, silently accepting everything that is said to her. "I apologize."

But the slight, unnatural abruptness in her quiet voice declares that there is something more to this situation. Whether it is resentment or banal disappointment, it is hidden behind the outer façade of her calm acceptance of her fate. But it continues to be there, unnoticed by the other Diamond.

She's been locked in solitary confinement too many times. Too many desperate attempts to get the sisters attention and only punishment in return. They never listen. So there's no point in making excuses.

"Of course," Yellow snorts, turning away from her and continuing her irritated monologue. "What were you thinking, trying to make such a farce out of standard procedure..."

Pink Diamond's palms twitch slightly, intertwining her fingers. But she remains silent and never interrupts, until the very end.

~

He meets Yellow again a few days later. But their conversation is strangely different from the previous ones.

When she arrives, she immediately sits down near one of the walls, without saying or explaining anything. She simply looks at him for a long time, crossing her legs on the floor, frowning and clasping her hands directly in front. She watches in complete silence as he slowly rises from the floor after his last sleep, stands on his feet and calmly meets her gaze.

A thick sense of anticipation hangs in the room. The only sound in the room is Diamond tapping her finger on her forearm. A rhythmic, dull thud repeats every two seconds.

"Blue thinks we should let you return to the palace," Yellow is the one who finally starts the conversation. "She thinks your memories and personality can be restored if we're nice enough to you."

This is not true. Judging by the expression on Yellow's face, it seems that on this issue she agrees more with him than with her own colleague, Diamond. Skepticism and sullen uncertainty reign on her face. The tapping of her finger on her forearm does not stop for a second, betraying her tightly stretched nerves.

Only by looking deeper behind this mask of denial is it possible to see a deeply hidden hope that Yellow is trying to nip in the bud. Not allowing herself to even hope for a positive outcome.

Gem ignores all this context and simply stares at her silently, waiting to see what exactly these words are leading to. There is a feeling that now there should follow a "but..."

For some reason, this gesture only seems to make things worse.

Yellow makes a low, growling noise, suddenly ducking her head and placing one palm against her forehead. She studiously avoids looking at him, whispering loudly under her breath.

"She doesn't understand..." Her voice, usually so cold and arrogant, now sounds unusually emotional. In all these weeks that they have been talking, it seems for the first time she sounds truly sincere. "She doesn't want to see how defective you are."

If Blue's emotions are like cold ice in their essence, then Yellow splashes out everything in sharp splashes, so much like yellow lightning coming from her hands. But she is not angry with him. Rather, she is just expressing what has accumulated.

“Blue dreamed of your return this whole time, even when we both knew it was impossible. And White’s discovery was supposed to fix everything,” Yellow’s voice warps with a sudden sense of tired sincerity. But some of the hardness and edge is still there as she clenches her hands into fists for her next sentence. “But look at you now…”

Despite the condemnation in her words, there is no sense of attack. Pure bitterness and resentment at the unfairness of life, characteristic even of such strong gems as Yellow Diamond. This is one of the few times when she opens up to him herself, and does not try to lecture him.

"You've done so many things, created so many problems with your whims. But this one surpasses them all..." Yellow suddenly raises her head, looking at him with a look that almost gives off tears. "Did you even understand what you were doing when you decided to do this?"

It sounds like an accusation. An accusation about something he doesn't even really remember or understand.

An accusation about something he didn't even do, because he's not Rose Quartz.

"I don't..."

"Of course not!" Yellow explodes, grabbing the bridge of his nose with her fingers and rudely cutting him off. "You never think before you start causing trouble. When you decide to cause a pogrom at an important event. When you start demanding your own colony like a child. When you throw all our work and your own dream into a black hole, falling in love with stupid organic life. And of course, when for some reason you become fired up with the idea of ​​becoming part of some... dirty hybrid, rejecting your entire old personality."

With each new word, her voice becomes sharper, deeper, and the emotion beneath the rudeness becomes clearer. Yellow covers her face with her hand again at the end, hunching over and refusing to look at him. "Who knows what you'll do if we let you go again?"

He's not quite sure what he should do with this sudden emotional outburst. Yellow has never acted this way before. Should he try to calm her down? Or insist once again that Gem is not his mother?

He doesn't know. So he prefers to keep his voice completely silent.

"You have nothing to say at all?" Yellow asks after a long pause, in a calmer, weary tone. But she still doesn't look up. She's just trying to shame him.

But what can he say when he himself has no idea what his mother was thinking when she decided to create him? No one knows that. Even the Crystal Gems.

"She's gone," the phrase doesn't sound nearly as loud or as vivid as when he first said it. There's no underlying emotion, anger or despair. It's just a fact he relays to the Diamonds over and over again. "I don't know what to say."

After this, a long silence reigns in the air.

"You always repeats this," Yellow Diamond lowers his hand slowly. "She, her..." 

Her face shows incredible fatigue after the outburst. This seems like a completely sudden change of topic.

"You prefer not to associate your past with your present self," Yellow remarks. The sentence is not a question, but it certainly sounds like it should be.

"Because she's gone," Gem emphasizes unexpectedly firmly. "I'm not her."

He expects negativity. He expects denial, as it always has. But Yellow doesn't try to argue with him, and looks more analytical and thoughtful than dissatisfied.

"You're not human either."

Gem doesn't respond to this. So as not to provoke Diamond with another protest. By now, he has already begun to understand when it is better to keep his words inside.

Yellow extends her hand to him, in a silent invitation to climb on it. And pulls her palm closer to herself as soon as Gem does so. Yellow diamond eyes look over his detached, empty expression with piercing attention.

"She's never coming back, right?" Yellow asks in the quiet, resigned whisper of someone who already knows the answer to her own question. It's taken her too long to finally realize it.

Blue still doesn't seem to accept this truth.

Gem confirms her conclusions with a curt nod.

It seems as if this confirmation lifts the long-accumulated weight off her shoulders. Maintaining the silence that has suddenly fallen over the room, Yellow leans her back against the wall and slowly lowers the hand that is supporting him onto one of her knees. Her expression is completely devoid of emotion. 

Gem silently analyzes her expression for a few minutes before lowering his head and focusing his thoughts elsewhere. His internal programs are kindly counting down the nearly two and a half weeks he's lived, if that's what you can call his existence in this form, in the tower. And if that's how long it took for at least one of the Diamonds to finally acknowledge him...

Something twitches very unpleasantly inside his stone. It doesn't look like things will get any easier for him in the future.