Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Blindness is learning to see with your hands, with your nose, your hears, to feel in every way possible, to find light in the darkness.

It takes a lot of strength. And Remus wasn’t strong enough.

Well, that’s what he thought.

Since his accident he tried to fight for his mother. To keep smiling. But finally all of it was never the right way to do it.

He used to be a happy six year old, loving to read, to play outside and to discover the countryside.

He was now a depressed sixteen year old, living on pills, in his room all day. As if he had been covered with a dark blanket. Everything went terribly wrong.

He had been a traumatized seven year old, in the dark, with the only image of an enraged dog holding him to the ground and tearing him to pieces, a cruel laugh echoing in his hears.

He had been a sobbing eight year old, because his parents weren’t in love anymore. And it was all his fault.

He had been an angry fourteen year old, discovering seven years later how his life had been ruined by his own father.

And he was now only living for his mother, and music.

Music remained in the darkness, for it’s magic, the feeling of life, and the stories he could no longer read.

His mother remained for the smell of love, the gentleness in her touch, in her voice.

But Remus was deeply closed off, extremely scared of everything and he was suffocating in his black bubble.

He didn't let anyone else near this bubble apart from his mother and Lily Evans. Lily was his only friend, his best friend. She has always been there.

She had run through the fields with him, chasing insects when they were young and innocent.

She hadn't been afraid of his scars, his appearance, his disability.

She had held him in the light when he was drowning.

She reassured him, told him it was okay to like other boys.

She had taken him outside and spent her days with him even though she had a busier social life.

That was what she was doing today. Remus was being pulled out of his room, grumbling. Hope, his mother, was watching them go with a smile, happy to see his son go out.

“Come on Rem, you have to meet him, he’s amazing! I need your approval about it,” Lily says taking Remus by the hand and sitting him on a chair to put his shoes on.

Remus sighs, “What am I, your father? You can date who you want Lil’s, don’t ask me, I can’t even see him…”

“That’s not what matters, he’s tall, hot, and handsome, you don’t need more than that.” She brings his shoes to his hands, “Please Remusss…”

“You’re sure it’s good idea? I’m not gonna freak him out or something? He could be disgusted and stop hanging out with you, you know.”

“Remus you really think I could date such an asshole? I promise he’s lovely. And you don’t even have to say anything about you if you don’t want to, he is really a good man, he will understand.”

“Fine. I’ll go.”

Lily jumps and hugs him, “Thank you!! It means a lot, really.”

“Yeah yeah… Grab my glasses please.”

Chapter Text

Remus was focusing on the floor under his feet, gripping Lily's arm. They were walking along a road surrounded by forest, Remus's house being a little far from the rest of the village. With every passing car Remus was feeling himself sucked in by the air and the loud sound, holding on Lily tighter.

Lily was yapping about a new book she had read. They did that a lot, Remus's reading being limited to the few braille books Hope could obtain, Lily would just tell him about her books in detail and reads parts of them to him out loud.

As they reaches the village, Remus can smell the grocery shop on his right, at the corner of the street, with surely some pastries of the day on display. The pastry chef, Alphard, was French and he made delicious croissants. Remus used to beg his mother to buy him some every saturday when he was a child.

He knew now that in front of him was the square and it's little fountain that he heard flowing faintly. That's where they were going.

"Oh I see him! James!" Lily calls, pulling Remus while making sure he wasn’t going to trip over anything.

They walk to the fountain which give Remus some direction with it’s sound. He tenses when Lily let go of his hand but quickly notices that he can reach the back of a bench next to him.

He hears a kissing sound and some chuckles.

"James this is Remus, my childhood bestfriend," Lily says cheerfully.

"Hello Remus, it's really nice to meet you, Lily told me a lot about you," says an enthusiastic voice.

Remus nods, "Same for you, nice to meet you," he extends his hand to shake praying it was in the right direction. But thanks the universe he had heard right. James hand was firm and calloused.

"I promise I will be good for her, she deserve the world and-"

"Cut the cheese, Prongs, we already know you're a simp," says an other voice, slightly deep but so nice and smooth that Remus can't tell if it's a girl or a boy.

"Shut up Pads," James says "Guys, this ungrateful bitch is my best mate, Sirius. We met at college. He's a dramaqueen don't mind him- ouch-!" He huffs as Sirius slaps him on the back of the head.

So a guy.

"Pads?" Lily laughs "What's up with that nickname?"

"It's Padfoot actually but this idiot can't say it right," says Sirius that Remus could hear closer now. He then feels a soft, warm hand grabbing his.

The first thing Remus think is how kissable it must be. The second is why the hell did he think that.

"I nicknamed him that because he's such a dog."

Sirius chuckles.

Well that's a cute laugh.

"Boys really are stupid aren't they Remus?" Lily shakes his head.

"What?" Remus stutters, still stunned. Lily sighs and James chuckles. "Nevermind... I'll go get some refreshement, Jamie, you coming?"

"Yeah I'm coming love," the boy respond with a lovesick voice. "Padfoot, Remus, wait us here alright?"

"Alright Prongs! Don't snog too long!"

Remus stays still, helplessly. There am I stuck on a fountain next to a stranger with the softest hands on earth, the cutest laugh and who probably don’t even know I'm blind and can't move from here without stepping in a tree. Thank you Lil's.

The silence lasts a few seconds.

"You wanna know why his nickname is Prongs?" Sirius chuckles. Remus can feel him next to him, their legs slightly touching.

"Go on,"

"He sleeps with two deer antlers above his bed," explains the other boy, "who the hell can sleep peacefully with pieces of dead animals watching them," he laughs and Remus snorts.

"So you're from here? I mean, have you always lived there like James and Lily?" Sirius asks.

"Basically, yeah. I was born here and used to spend my holidays here, but I lived in town for a long time. Now I'm here all year round."

"I see. I lived in town too. Paris. But... now I've been in here for 4 years now."

Remus nods, "You went from France to Godric's Hollow? What brought you here?"

He feels the boy tensing slightly and going silent for a second.

"Well that's a complicated story. But basically my parents are shitty so I left to live here with my uncle."

"I understand." Remus says because sometime people don't need pity or more questions, they just need to feel understood.

A comfortable silence settles, quickly broken by feets echoing on the ground.

"We're back!! I brought you a croissant Rem!" Lily pushes a package into his hands.

"Thanks Lil's you're the best." Remus smile at the smell of the pastrie and bites in it.

"You like these?" Sirius asks, curious.

"I love them, this and chocolate are the best food on earth I swear-" Remus blushes a little at his own passion for croissants.

Sirius chuckles, "As a french, croissant is defenitly the best french food I agree. I made these this morning so I'm glad you like it."

Remus blinks, confused, "What? You made these?"

"My uncle runs the the pastry here." Sirius explain with a shrug, sipping his drink. "Since I’m living with him, I give him a hand from time to time."

"You're Alphard nephew?!" Lily and Remus says in unison.

Chapter Text

“How does he look like Lily? He has rings right? I could feel it when I shook his hand…”

Lily chuckles, “He has rings, a few tattoo, long black hair, bright blue eyes.”

Remus sighs, “I see… What's his height?”

They are walking back home, Lily holding Remus’ arm. The afternoon went great, Peter, a friend of Sirius and James from high school joined them later and they all got along well. Remus was afraid the others would find him weird, he knew he couldn't just hide his disability forever, but no one seemed to question him for now.

"He’s shorter.”

Remus hums and swallows.

“It looks like you're more interested in Sirius than my actual boyfriend who you were there for..." Teases Lily.

Remus blushes, “I don’t know… I mean you already told me all about James and… Sirius is- a nice guy I guess?”

The girl smiles, “Right… A nice guy.”

They keep walking in silence until Lily breaks it, “He was wearing a leather jacket with a rainbow pin.” She says, holding back a laugh seeing Remus’ face.

“What- why are you telling me this?”

“I just thought you should know…”

“Why should I? I mean it’s great if he’s queer I-” Remus stutters and frowns.

“Maybe because you seemed to melt on the spot with every laugh or touch from him, if I'm not mistaken.” She chuckles.

“Hey- I wasn’t! What-…” Remus blushes, “Was I?”

“You were, my poor friend…”

Remus holds his face and sighs, “Was it so obvious?”

“No actually, I don’t think he noticed, I just know you very well. So… You like him don’t you~ ?” Lily asks grabbing his shoulder.

“Oh no, please shut up, Lil’s…” Remus cries.

Sirius lays on his bed, watching the ceiling, lost in thought.

He’s so handsome. His scars, it’s so bloody attractive

I wonder how his eyes look like, damn sunglasses...

And his voice- good god...

“Pads, have you see my hat? I think I forgot it there-” James stops at his door and chuckles, “You alright mate?”

“I am totally fine-” Sirius sits up.

“Well your face says otherwise,” James says with a smug smile, “You’re all red Padfoot.”

Sirius strokes his cheeks, “I- It’s just hot in here-”

“Mhm, sure?” James keeps smiling, “Oh no, don’t tell me you were masturb-”

“Geez Prongs! No I wasn’t, you stupid ass!” Sirius cuts him through his sentence stroking his face which was even redder now.

“Okay- okay- But then what is it?”

“You’ll laugh at me.” Sirius sighs.

“No I won’t, you're my best friend… Except if it’s funny.”

“Traitor,” Sirius rolls his eyes, “I’ll tell you anyway.”

James sits happily next to him, “Great!”

Sirius rolls over and screams in a pillow.

“Well that was not very understandable,” James chuckles, gently patting Sirius’ back.

“It’s Remus.” Sirius mumbles in the sheet.

James raises an eyebrow, “Remus? What about him?”

“He’s hot,” Sirius raises his head and rests it on his arms, his cheeks rosy, “Like super hot.”

James smiles, “Oh I see. And is that problematic?”

“Yes it is!” Sirius whines, “He looks straight as a stick, don’t you understand James? It’s hell for me here! Why is it always the straight ones...”

“Hey, you can’t be sure Pads,” James says, thinking, “I could ask Lily if you want.”

“God no! What if she tells him?”

“She won’t, I trust her.”

“Fine… Try if you want I guess…”

Chapter Text

It’s been three days since their meeting with James, Sirius and Peter.

Remus was not a social person. He basically hated every social interaction that wasn’t with Lily or his mom. But for once he was waiting for this one with a mixture of nervousness and impatience.

Sirius was queer.

Yeah well, it doesn’t mean you have a chance. Remember, you’re blind and full of scars, not like anyone could ever want you whispered the voice in his head.

Remus was struggling with his wardrobe, trying to find something that looked good enough only by touch. Not the easiest task.

He never really cared about how he dressed. What was the point if he couldn’t even see it? But this morning he was going out and he will be there again. He needed something appropriate.

Thankfully Lily had just arrived, she trusted her to pick nice clothes for him. She would definitely enjoy this a little too much.

They were going to the river. It was a nice place where Lily loved sunbathing and Remus liked the sound of the water running. It was calming.

“They aren’t here yet,” Lily announced, as they reached the bridge. The river was surrounded by trees and the small beach was just below the bridge.

Remus wass grateful no one is there to watch him struggle to get down with Lily's help.

They settled on a blanket, waiting. Lily took a book out of her bag.

“1984 by George Orwell-” Lily starts reading out loud, “It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen. Winston Smith, his chin nuzzled into his breast in an effort to escape the vile wind, slipped quickly through the glass doors of Victory Mansions, though not quickly enough to prevent a swirl of gritty dust from entering along with him…”

The boys took long enough to arrive, but they did, breathless from runing.

“Sorry love, Sirius was being an ass about his hair today,” James kisses her cheek gently.

“I was not! They were just ugly! I needed to fix it.”

“Are you aware we’re here to swim?”

“The water will NOT touch my hair Prongs or I’m shaving yours.”

Sirius sits next to Remus, “anyway… hi,”

“Hi Sirius,” Remus stiffs awkwardly.

He can hear that James is already undressing and going to the water, Lily following. “Come on guys! It’s very nice!”

Beside him, he can also feel Sirius getting rid of his clothes. “I need some sunscreen, or I’m burning like shrimp,” he says opening a bottle, “will you be coming too?”

“Er… no, I’m staying here. Water’s not for me;”

“Oh alright. Will you help me then? I can’t reach my back…”

Remus' brain short-circuited, what? “Sure.”

No Remus, you’re not ‘sure’, you can’t even see his back!

He tries to not panic when after a few seconds Sirius puts the bottle in his hand. He grabs it and search for the opening with his fingers. Sirius chuckles and opens it for him. “Here.”

Remus blushes, “Yeah sorry,” and he then hears the other boy turning around.

You can do this Remus, come on.

He puts some sunscreen on his fingers and reaches out, touching Sirius skin. He spreads it carefully, locating himself by the shape of his back and shoulders. Sirius was so so soft under his finger and as he went down to his waist Remus also notice that he was so small as well. But he could still tell he was fit.

When Remus considered that he was finished, he put the bottle down carefully.

“Thanks,” Sirius says, pushing himself up with a hand on Remus’ shoulder.

Remus coughs a small ‘you’re welcome’ and spends the rest of the afternoon feeling the ghost of Sirius' skin on his shoulder and at the tips of his fingers.

Chapter Text

"Don't you think there's something off with Remus?"

James grabs a pastry in the plate sitting on his bed. Lazing On A Sunday Afternoon by Queen is playing in background.

"What? Apart from the fact that you're madly in love with him?"

Sirius throws a pillow in his face, "I'm not! But anyway that's not what I'm about."

James laughs, "Alright, alright, what about Remus?"

"There is something strange about him don't you think?"

"What?"

"Well he always seems lost, reaching out for Lily... And his goddamn glasses, he never takes them off. And I'm not even talking about the fact that he's wearing a sweater everyday, it's July!"

James stops eating, thinking, "Maybe he has a kind of autism or something? My cousin had that and he was always wearing sunglasses because the light was blinding him."

Sirius thinks for a minutes. It hadn't occurred to him that Remus might have some sort of disability, "Maybe."

"Anyway, it's none of our business, he will tell us if he's comfortable with it."

"Yeah I know... I'd just like to know. So I can be helpful if he need."

James smiles, "Don't worry too much Pads, I’m sure he'll tell us at some point."

Sirius sat happily in a two-seater armchair with Remus next to him.

They were all hanging out in the Potter's garden which was huge, had swings, benches, chairs and tables and was surrounded with giant trees such as fir trees, hardwoods and even a redwood that Sirius adored. The house was a warm and bright manor with balconies and a small tower.

The Potters were defenitly the richest family in Godric's Hollow and everyone loved them. Effie and Monty were both doctors, Effie was the one who took care of the village while Monty went to homes all over the surrounding area.

Remus looked relaxed next to Sirius and was trying to ignore the fact that the other boy was leaning a little more than necessary against him. But no one seemed to mind anyway.

James was pushing Lily on the swing and Peter was carving wood into a figurine.

"We should go to town tomorrow." Lily suggests at some point, "There's this new art museum in Hogsmeade that looks so good!"

"Sure that would be fun. Anything for you Lily Flower," James kisses her temple.

"Ew. A little consideration for us poor bachelors will you? And James you're biased, museum are nothing but fun." Sirius groans.

"I'd like to go!" Peter says enthusiastic.

"Of course you do..."

"Hey, don't be mean Sirius," Lily scolds, "Remus would you like to come?" She asks suddenly very soft and attentive.

Remus still and nods, his beautiful scared hands clenching at his side, "S-Sure. I guess"

Sirius sighs, "Alright I'll go too then."

Anything to spend some time with you.

"Cool, thanks mate,"

"I'm not going for you, you stupid deer." Sirius sticks out his tongue.

James rolls his eyes, "Of course not."

"So... How do we go?" Peter asks, "It's not like any of us have driver's license..."

"We could ask Frank to take us and come with Alice what do you think? We'll have to squeeze in a little but it should do."

"Brilliant idea love" James smiles, "I'll call him."

He stands up and grabs Lily's hand. Sirius whines and leans over Remus's chest, "Please someone make them stop, I can’t take any more sweetness..."

The boy is surprised at sudden closeness but chuckles, and taps gently on the back under his hand.

Sirius's heart rate double and he doesn't really want to pull away. Instead he settles with his legs out of the chair and his head resting on Remus's lap. From here he hopes to catch a glimpse of his eyes under the usual black sunglasses he's wearing. But Remus keeps looking down, blushing slightly.

Peter is gone too, impatient to know for the drive.

"You know it's a bit crazy James and I never saw you in summer. Last year we were in summer camp with James but the ones before? I mean I've been here for 4 years..."

Remus face goes off slightly, "Oh yeah... Well I wasn't really going out much at the time."

Sirius senses something deep but don't push the other boy. It seems like a sensitive subject. He can't help but think about his earlier conversation with James. Whatever secrets Remus is hiding, it seems there's more than one.

But Sirius knows all about dark secrets and for now, all he can do is get to know him and gain his trust.

Chapter Text

Remus was walking back home holding Lily's arm and he could feel his anxiety getting over him.

"Tomorrow will be fine Rem's, I promise," Lily reassures him.

"How am I supposed to walk all the way without them noticing I can't do it alone... James will be asking why you're holding my arm and not his... Lily what do I do?" He asks nervously.

"Hey, hey you’re okay, don't worry. You know, you can tell them, they will understand. I'm sure they already guessed."

"You think so? Damn I probably should have said it earlier... But I don't know... What if they find it disgusting or weird...? Or think that I'm weak?"

Lily stops and Remus feels her hands grabing his, "Remus John Lupin, you are not disgusting or weak and no, they won't think that you are. I'm sure the boys will understand."

Remus bites his cheek, "Alright... If you say so... But could you tell them please?"

Lily strokes his knuckles, "I can but you should. It's up to you to say it or not, it shouldn't be me."

"I guess..." The boy sighs "Okay I'll do it."

Lily kisses his cheek and hooks Remus's arm back on her arm, "Good. I'm proud of you."

"You're too good for me you know that?"

"I am too good for anyone,"  Lily jokes.

"Except for your Jamie huh?"

"Not even him. He's my slave. He worships me. Always remember Remus, that this is the only way a man should treat you."

"Lil’s, the wise woman you are."

"I know,"

"I don't think anyone could worship me anyway. Even less Sirius after tomorrow."

Lily taps the back of his head, "You don't know that. And I know the way he looks at you is far from a repulsed one," She teases, "Beside if he's bad to you I'll burn his hair."

"Ouch! Alright, alright, we'll see."

The morning after Frank and Alice pass through the whole village, taking everyone one by one. Peter is the first, the house of the carpenter, his father, being the farest, in the forest. He settle in the trunk of the car. Then Lily and Remus get in and they chat with Frank while they drive to the bakery where Sirius and James are waiting.

"Hi guys, get in!" Frank says, "But there's just one seat left, someone take someone else on their lap."

Remus can't quite understand what's happening but apparently Sirius wants to go on James's lap but James don't.

"Lily, you should sit on me,"

"No Jamie- I'm way too heavy for you."

"Bullshit, you are not."

"You sure?"

"Yes of course love, just sit, don't worry okay?"

Remus can hear Sirius fake crying because James 'didn't want him' and 'no one does anyway, I'm so lonely, and sad'.

He chuckles and pats the seat next to him, "Come on, get in you idiot."

Sirius obeys and Frank starts driving again.

Remus can feel his anxiety creeping in. He told himself the drive was perfect to tell everyone. Frank and Alice already know because they are friends with Hope and help her often in the house.

Sirius is silent next to him, probably sulking.

Come on Remus it's now or never.

It's alright. Nothing will change.

"Hey Remus I was wondering why the sunglasses? You wear them like all the time."

Lily squeezes his knee. He knows what she's thinking. Peter just gave him the biggest opening.

"I'm blind." He blurts out, "That's why I have the glasses. If you hadn't already figured that out."

A silence spreads in the car. Remus bites his lip, and Lily strokes his knee gently. He can feels Sirius' eyes on him.

"You're blind?!" Peter says behind him, surprised.

There we go...

"Sorry I didn't said anything before. I just... I don't know-"

James wraps his arm around his shoulder, "Hey it's alright mate! Don't worry, you don't have to be sorry. It doesn't change anything for us right Pete?"

"Yeah, no you're fine Remus. Sorry if I was being impolite."

"It's alright. Thanks Peter."

Remus feels Sirius fidgeting next to him. He clenches his teeth waiting for some bad jokes.

"You should have told us before we decided for today. Museums are already so boring for a sighted person, I can’t imagine what it could be like for you..." Sirius voice seems really considering and genuinely nice and it makes Remus's heart race.

"I'll be fine. I just like hanging out with you guys anyway, I’m sure I'll have my fun."

"I'll make sure of that."

Remus blushes as the car parks and the doors open on each sides. They all get off it, Alice chatting with Lily. Remus stands, holding on the car, waiting for her to help him as usual when a smaller hand grabs his. Instinctively he follows the arm, along a shirt fabric, and clings to the elbow.

Remus must have done this a hundred times and he could reconize Lily's arm among thousands.

That's not Lily.

"Is that okay?" A soft voice asks. Sirius. "Tell me if I'm doing it wrong or if you would prefer Lily."

"No, no it's alright. Thanks."

Remus can feel his cheeks warming up again. Sirius isn’t mad. Or disgusted. He is nice.

Maybe he's pitying you.

He shakes his head.

No he just wants to help. You would do the same.

They walk and Sirius seems to be extra careful with each steps toward the museum.

"We're going inside." Sirius warns as they enter, "Oh god the guy at the ticket counter looks so sleepy and old. He's living in boredom, the poor guy..." Sirius whispers, "He's looking at us above his little glasses, I’m sure judges us outright."

The other boy can't help but smile, imagining the man.

When they get in the art gallery Sirius starts telling him about the paintings. At first, Remus, embarrassed, tells him he doesn't have to tell him everything, that he can just enjoy the museum.

"I'm bored as hell here anyway, at least I'll make it fun with you." Sirius assures him.

And then begins the best visit Remus has ever had since losing his sight.

Sirius is guiding him through the museum, following the group and he is commenting everything they come across in detail but getting bored he starts making exaggerations and hilarious analysis.

"Now there is a painting with a couple I think? It's very strange, the girl is naked and the guy is looking at me weird. Maybe he's jealous because we're watching his girlfriend. But I'm not into blondes anyway."

"I'm sure this one has a deep shit meaning, like 'we must all live while we live because after that we die' or something."

"This one is entitled Pig. Who the hell paint a masterpiece and name it Pig?"

Remus can't stop laughing, and at some point neither can Sirius. The others keep asking what's up but the two boys ignore them.

"Oh no, Rem the guy from the counter is back!" Sirius shout-whisper, "He's probably wondering why we were laughing and what's wrong with his paintings. Well, a lot of things."

They end up being kicked out of the museum but Remus doesn't really care. They keep talking as they wait for the rest of the group outside.

"You know, I'm glad you told us," Sirius says, "It's very nice to get to know you."

"Thanks. It's cool you're taking it well. I was nervous to tell you guys, I was afraid you'd be disappointed or something."

"Well that was a stupid thing to think. Why would we be disappointed?" Sirius responds, "Honestly the only think that I regret is all the time I put to look good for you. Just this morning I had a 30 minutes crisis about my hair."

Remus mind freeze before realizing what the other boy had just said.

To look good for you.

Sorry what?