Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

ELLIE

We found the Fireflies.

Joel pulled me up as I hacked water from my lungs, trying hard to catch my breath and right myself.

As we staggered, drenched and exhausted from the infested and flooded tunnels, they pushed us to our knees and shoved a scanner against Joel’s neck, testing for infection. 

Knew there was only one way out of this; I’d have to fight, but this time we didn’t have Tess to help.

I’d have to kill again. I’d done it before, first to save Joel, more when he was injured in Winter. And David…

I remember how the cold metal of the scanner pressed wet hairs to my neck, heart pounding.

Joel’s breath picked up too. “Wait...” 

The scanner beeped shining red. [Positive]

“She’s not infected, she's immune!”

“Quiet!” The barrel of a gun pushed hard into Joel’s back and he fell to his hands against slick concrete.

“Joel!” I tried to go to him, but my arms were pulled back firm.

“You’re Fireflies right? Check her arm, her right arm, it’s her!” 

The two soldiers paused and exchanged knowing looks.

It had been many months since the girl was supposed to arrive at Saint Mary’s Hospital, chances were grim to none - a long journey like that. They’d probably given up waiting for her. She’d probably been assumed dead along with the smuggler, but we matched the description. 

My sleeve was shifted up by one of them to reveal the healed bite.  

After that, they’d escorted us to the hospital, armed guards posted along our path through the halls, all watching us with weary stares. We wait a long time while the message gets passed along that we've arrived.

Marlene goes from baffled to terse once she takes us in. I’m sure they all lost any confidence we’d ever be here. “You made it.” She whispers, shaking her head in disbelief. “How did you… We have a lot to discuss.” 

Marlene looks to Joel then back at me. “I’ll have someone stay with Ellie until we’re done.”

“Uh, hello? I’m standing right here.” I shrug in annoyance. She’s trying to hand me off again like some incompetent kid.

“Joel and I have business. We’ll talk. Soon.” She leans away resolute and turns to enter a private room, Joel tagging behind. He gives me a nod, tries to reassure me. 

Can’t believe I’m being forced to wait outside. So annoying. 

To make it worse, they have me being babysat by this young soldier. It’s honestly insulting. 

She has this mean look, so I keep quiet. Pass the time whittling the wooden molding of the hospital hallway with my knife, only to be scolded by said soldier. 

“You can’t do that.” Her voice has a smooth monotonous cadence. A calm authority that reminds me a bit of the way Tess spoke.

I look her up and down. She’s not much taller than me, blonde hair woven back into a short braid. A prominent frown spattered with freckles. 

Time is moving much too slowly. What is there to talk about between Joel and Marlene for so long? 

Try to practice whistling, but her eyes look like they’re trying to start my head on fire. Raising my eyebrows, I sigh, reposition against the wall slowly, stealing glances, trying to get a read on her.

Her brow furrows. “Would you quit it?”

“I’m literally not doing anything.” I counter.

“You’re looking at me.”

I lift slightly and swing my hands in exasperation. “Well what else am I supposed to do?” 

“Nothing.”

Falling back on the wall, I briefly buzz my lips and tap against the plaster with my palms. Try to keep my eyes on that damp spot on the ceiling, can’t help but continue persistently peeking over at her though. She looks about my age too. Maybe a little older. 

“So… you a firefly?” I ask.

The girl shifts her weight, lets her arm fall loudly against the side of her cargos. “Yeah. You, done?” 

“Just curious.” I thrum my fingers pushing myself off the surface again. “Marlene wouldn’t recruit me, wondering why you’re so special.” 

Tilting her head back and rolling her eyes, the girl finally turns to fully face me. “The head surgeon here is my dad.”

“Sooo... You’re actually just some big wigs’ daughter?”

She stumbles over her words and blinks rapidly. “Wh- He’s going to save a lot of lives-“ Her hands fail to find a place to rest on her hips, resolving to tuck into crossed arms.

“I’m just fucking with you.”

She seems bewildered by my laughter, face twisting in some mix of concern and uncertainty.

“I’m Ellie. From Boston.” I offer my hand to shake.

Seeming hesitant now in her tone, she slowly uncrosses her arms to rub the back of her neck. “So you walked all that way?” Her guard falters, still tentative when reaching out.

“Some of it was by car and horse. But yeah, lots of walking.”

She doesn’t seem the type to travel around much, younger soldiers tend not to. Before meeting Joel I’d never been far outside Boston QZ.

I grasp her hand in mine.

Her grip returns firm. “I’m Ab-“

Beside us, the door swings open, both of us jump. Retreating away from each other. 

“Abby,” The leader of the fireflies steps out with that analytic look she always has and nods her head to the side. “Make sure your dad is ready to run tests.” That tone, classic Marlene for “get lost, don't ask why.” 

Abby gives me a final once over, then makes her way quickly down the hall, stiffness returning to her gait. I watch her until she turns the corner, then Marlene is garnering my attention. 

“Ellie, we’ll need you in the lab. Figure out the source of your immunity.” She watches Joel cautiously. “Joel will wait while they do.”

“Why can’t he come with us?” I briefly move with Marlene, but stop myself.

“Ellie, let’s go.” 

“No.” I step back towards Joel. “Not going anywhere without him.”

The last time we’d been apart had been in Winter when I'd fought through a blizzard and dozens of cannibals alone. Not to say I expect that to happen again. Just the idea of him not being around is scary.

Marlene is taken aback, harsh gaze snapping to Joel. 

He shuffles uncomfortably as if her eyes sear holes into him. “Ellie. It’ll be fine.” He says.

“But-“

“Just like Jackson. You’ve got Marlene, I’ll be here.” There's a sternness, but an attempt at reassurance. At least this time I knew who I was wandering off with.

I keep looking back at him shifting on his heels while we walk down the hall. 

“Joel says you fought like hell to get here.”

“Reconsidering my status as a Firefly?” I smirk up at her.

Marlene laughs dryly. “Don’t get ahead of yourself.”

We reach the changing rooms, curtained stalls along the wall. There's a woman in a medical mask who gives me this thin papery gown.

“I’ll have someone bring you a change of clothes. We’ll reconvene in the morning.” Marlene says, turning to head out, leaving me alone with this stranger.

“…Okay.” I say under my breath.

I get dressed in the stall quickly and follow the woman to the lab, soles cold on the tile. 

Rolling trays with needles and metal instruments scatter the room. Fireflies in plastic robes tune the various machinery. 

“Hold out your arm.” The woman says.

I hold my sleeve, presenting the healed bite.

She corrects me. “Left arm.” 

At first I hesitate, but follow the request, only to be prodded by a needle without much warning. She pulls a vial of blood and stamps the opening with a ball of cotton and tape. 

A different doctor takes it across the room, carefully prepares a drop of it on a thin piece of glass and places it underneath a scope. Scribbles onto a notepad, adds unknown liquids to the slide.

They run through the tests and additional sampling. There’s an eerie quiet building in the room, each time they murmur between each other it only feels more tense. Can only pick up exchanges of numbers with unfamiliar units of measurement. None attempting to actually interact besides the occasional instruction or question.

The doors swing open turning everyone’s attention. A man steps into the room and everyone acknowledges him, “Dr. Anderson” and it isn’t too hard to figure out this is the guy in charge. Abby’s dad.

Abby Anderson… sounds like a superhero name.

As he puts on his medical gloves, he makes his way towards me. “Nice to finally meet you Ellie, I’m Jerry. We’re almost done. Don’t worry, we’ll have you out of here in no time.” 

It’s jarring - this guy seems pleasant, especially in contrast to the rest of the medical team. Joel. Bill. Marlene. All the adults in my life had a chip on their shoulder and made sure you knew it. Jerry was a drop of chocolate syrup in an ocean of shit, how Abby turned out so bitter, I have no clue. 

Jerry’s smile disappears behind a medical mask. He makes his way over to a complicated looking machine and begins adjusting it. “This is just to get an image of what’s going on in there.” Jerry taps his temple. “It’ll be quick, painless, no more needles.”

I nod quietly, follow their instructions to lay on this plastic bed. A light passes over my face. Loud whirring. All of this overwhelms me.

It’s over fast like Jerry said. But the results of the scan only build more tension among the doctors. Glances with ambiguous concern. Even Jerry’s mood drops, his eyes glued to the negatives.

I just want to get back to Joel. Waiting at the edge of the table, clutching my fingers close. This isn’t what I’d expected. Thought I’d get answers rather than more questions.

“Hey.” Jerry lowers himself to get my attention. He’s torn himself away from the data, now back with his warm demeanor. Though, his apologetic eyes give away concern. “How about we get you out of here. We’ve got all we need for today.”

That was grim.

When I’m back in the changing room, I swap out the medical gown for a set of clean clothes I find folded neatly by one of the curtained stalls. Running through what had happened in there over again, trying to pull some explanation of it.

As I'm leaving, there's a familiar face in my peripheral. 

“Make sure you thank Nora later for the clothes.” Abby straightens herself from the relaxed position leaned against the corridor and begins to walk without waiting for a response. “Your room is in the west wing. The smuggler- I mean... Joel’s already there.” 

The promise of seeing Joel again allows me some relief. “You know I used to be friends with a firefly our age.” I follow behind her.

This gets me a backwards glance. “Oh yeah? Maybe I know ‘em.”

“Maybe.” Suddenly I regret bringing it up, struggling a bit with the memories, but take in a deep breath. “She was a recruit from Boston, the same QZ as me. Not sure where she disappeared to for those months. Maybe here, but she wouldn’t have made it back with Marlene the second time.”

“I’m sorry...” Abby said quietly, she doesn’t press further on it. 

“So, Abby, right?” I say, trying to segue into something more comfortable. “What do you do around here for fun?”

She turns to face me walking backwards, “You don’t get to have fun when you’re a firefly.” 

“Wow. Lame.”

“Game nights on Fridays are entertaining.” Abby spins back around. “Though the competition is pretty dry.”

“I could change that.” Can’t help but beam at the idea. It'd been a bit since being around other people my age. The last time being Sam.

“Yeah?” Abby laughs. “We play a couple rounds during breakfast sometimes too. You should join us tomorrow.”

“Oh. I’m gonna destroy you.” 

She smirks down at me. “Don’t get too cocky.” 

Can feel the confusing energy of the medical room lift away the longer we talk. Think I’m starting to like this stuck up big wig’s daughter.  

She pushes through a doorway to the stairwell. “Come on, just a couple flights down.”

The tiredness of the day weighs on each step, let alone the hundreds of miles already journeyed to get to the Fireflies. The promise of sleeping in a real bed is something I’d only dreamt about during that time; almost as exciting as making it to Salt Lake.

“This is your stop.” Abby holds the door that leads to the hallway with her heel. “It was nice meeting you, Ellie from Boston.”

”See you around.” I return a bit awkwardly before stepping through.

Warm light cuts sharply from the doorways that line the walls. I press the cotton ball where they’d drawn blood, my thumb makes a dull ache. 

I walk in my assigned room and examine the space. A small cot on either side. Under the small window a lantern perched atop a metal side table. A lot like my room back with FEDRA. Minimal space, just necessities. Many sleepless nights spent in a similar room wondering if Riley was still alive, taking each day like gravel in a fresh wound. If only I’d just let her go, or if I could have convinced Riley to stay right away instead of just being pissed at her-

“Hey kiddo.” 

Swirling thoughts skitter away like rats scared of bb’s. My focus reels into place.

Joel is leaned to the side against the doorway, stiffly crossing his arms. “You doin’- It went okay?” 

“Yeah…” I let out a rigid sigh and rest on the end table, mirroring his posture. “Yeah it was fine.”

He awkwardly places his hands on his hip, rocking his foot. “Alrighty then. Get settled in. I’ll be just down the hall. If you need anything.”

“Sure, yeah. Thanks.” I rush out.

“G’night kiddo.” With a final nod, he slowly turns and leaves for his own room. 

Once his footsteps fade, I shut the door quietly and dim the light. It’s weird  interacting with him so casually. Out there we had so many aimless boring conversations, a lot of serious ones too. What we’d want to do when this was over. What the world used to be like. Now that we’re here, it’s hard to find anything to talk about. Suddenly we have all the time in the world.

I sit on the bed and recline back. Never thought I would miss a hard dusty mattress, but here I am falling into it and already feeling myself blinking slower.

Glad Joel’s next door. Makes it easy to fall asleep knowing he’s close by.

…

[Chains hang from the ceiling. They end in violent hooks pierced through skinned carcasses drained of blood. An animal I'm afraid to name. I’m restrained by a blurry face on a table made of butcher block. 

“Let go! Stop!”

“I warned you.” David. With that fucking knife. 

Feels like my words are molasses, gumming up my mouth. Before I can say anything, the knife cleaves down and my eyes squeeze shut. 

I’m able to blurt out a frantic, “No!”

When I slowly blink again, a blizzard whips around me, all directions a pure white abyss. “Joel!” My voice drowns out in the cold void. Wind swaying me in the knee deep snow.

It’s where the restaurant should be. The one David’s body burned in. Instead it’s Saint Mary’s that crackles in a furious blaze. Flames licking out the windows in a collective plume of dark smoke.

Arms come around me, tight at my neck. My knife catches in his hand, David whispers in my ear. “You’re easy to track.”]

…

My sleep is restless, I feel a different kind of tiredness when I’m awake and staring at the sterile ceiling of the hospital. 

I sit up and rub my palms over my face, take a moment to reorient myself. 

The quiet ticking of a clock. It's early.

Should talk to Marlene, not sure where I’m supposed to be right now. I throw on yesterday's clothes and pocket my knife. Guess I won’t need my backpack, kinda weird not having it on.

Before I go, I check on Joel. Lean my head to peer in his room. He’s snoring loud as fuck, wrist over his forehead, feet kicked up. Sleeping hard. It’s his first decent night of sleep in a long while I’d guess.Know he had to have been roughing it worse than me out there. The number of times he’d wake in a panic, mumbling and sweating in a panic.

Glad he’s finally getting rest.

I knock timidly on the frame of the open door, the same room she'd spoken to Joel in privately. 

Marlene looks up from her desk of charts and paperwork. She sits up straight, threading her fingers together. “Ellie. How’re you settling in?”

I nod and lower into the chair across from her. Mirror her posture. “Fine.” I say it to say it, not having much time yet to relax.

“I know this must be a lot.”  She reads me.

It makes me squirm. “I’m fine… seriously.” 

She lets up, hands me a filled in paper schedule. “It’s not much, just something to help you into a routine.”

I take the page and scan it over. Haven’t had one of these since I was in a QZ. Clearly she doesn’t have any problem shelling off work to me in the hospital. Early in the day I’m supposed to do basic laborious tasks. Assigned to load and unload cargo, clean gear, and take inventory. 

Afternoons, I’ll be in the lab, giving samples, and more scans. That’s the real hard stuff. Trying to decipher the room, being observed like an animal in a cage.

But whatever. 

At least in the evening I’m free to do as I please, so long as I stay on hospital campus. Could use some down time I guess.

…

When I’m leaving the stairwell, excited chatter turns the corner. A bunch of kids, Abby among them, an arm resting over her shoulder. Some guy.

She notices me, “Hey, Ellie!” Slipping out from under him and jogging over. “You should join us, we’re just headed to the mess hall.” Abby gestures with her thumb and looks at me expectantly.

The guy catches up and chimes in, “Careful though, she has a habit of stealing off other people's plates.”

Abby gives him an irritated sideways glance. “Don’t mind Owen, he doesn’t know how to share.” 

“Sure.” I only address Abby, give Owen a ingenuine smile. “You got any good grub here?” 

“I wish.” Abby scoffs. “Ration packs and canned food.”

On the way to the fireflies food was scarce, surviving wasn’t comfortable in every way possible. “I mean, I’ll take whatever I can get.” 

At least it’s not tree bark or bugs.

“This is Nora, Nick, Mel, Manny, Jordan, Leah… Friends I guess.” She smirks at the playful jab.

“Wow friends? What an honor.” The boy named Jordan says.

Abby elbows him in the side and he half keels over.

The girl named Leah mock comforts him, rubbing circles on his back. “Careful with him, he’s a softie.” 

His face flares bright red and he jolts. “Leah!” 

Everyone laughs, except the girl named Mel. She looks between everyone quietly, but she’s anything but evasive, soon staring at me like some kind of fascinating specimen.

I tear my eyes from her and turn to the girl on Abby’s left. “Hey, Nora… thanks for the clothes. I’ll get them washed for you.”

“Don’t even worry about it, hold on to them.” Nora smiles wide and pats my arm. 

They all seem friendly enough.

Still, I stick close to Abby while everyone ambles ahead, yelling and roughhousing amongst themselves.

 Abby throws her arm over my shoulder and drags me close. “Don’t worry you’ll get used to them.” 

I laugh with a light nervousness. Neck warming up from the overfamiliarity. They're more intense than any friends I’ve had. Similar to those cliques at the QZ, in your face, though not as hostile.

We all settle around a table once we get through the line with our trays of food that don’t look half as bad as Abby made it seem they would be. Grinning along while they smile and joke with each other, it furls up in my chest. This feeling. A different anxiety. The need to be liked. I hope she’s right and they’ll let me find a place among them. 

It’s not long before Abby deals us all a set of cards, cafeteria trays set aside after our meals of lukewarm grits and rehydrated vegetables. 

“You’ll learn as you go.” She tells me.

But it’s a game I’ve played before. Bored out of our minds on the dorm floor. Riley and I up late past lights out. The only game we knew was blackjack, but we spent most of that night just talking and laughing.

The night before she’d run off and disappeared.

I’ve lost track of myself and ended up with a  sum well over 21. Eaten my words. Manny’s laugh is contagious, even though he lost worse than me.

Among the joyful sounds of the Salt Lake Crew, I can only stare at Abby’s snide expression, a tilted grin, eyebrows raised in mocking confidence. A rush fills my chest. It feels good to be around people. Ones that make you laugh and aren't trying to kill you.

Abby leans forward, collecting the cards to reshuffle. Beaming at me like the warmth of the sun.

“Better luck next time, Ellie.”

The cards fall together smacking against the table, then lift into a bridge before settling again.

Chapter Text

ABBY

It was curiosity at first. 

The intrigue of the immune girl who survived a trip across the country. When Marlene asked for someone to watch her while she talked with the smuggler, I wanted to be there. No one was for this cause more than me. 

Now that the cure for humanity is here everything feels lighter. Letting my guard down, like the world isn’t the way it is. 

Playing cards with her and the group, I find myself laughing harder and more freely than I have in a long time. 

After one last game of 21, I’m organizing my backpack in the armory - Owen, Manny, and I are scheduled for post duty soon. Usually it’s exciting and a bit of a change of pace to hang around outside the hospital, but I already feel like it can’t end soon enough. Just eager to hear about the test results from Dad.

“I’ll see you later, alright?” I place my hand on Ellie’s shoulder.

It makes her flinch. Focused over a clipboard she’s supposed to use to take inventory, but instead doodles around the edges; a Firefly symbol, a giraffe, a view somewhere in the city.

She smiles at me. “Careful out there soldier.”

I let out a short huff of amusement. “You got it.” And despite the lightheartedness of it, I feel that I should be extra careful this shift, just for her.

“You know I think it’s not that I’m bad at cards, I’m just unlucky.” Manny says as we start to make our way out of the armory.

“Unlucky. That’s a word for it.” I roll my eyes. “Hey, is it also unlucky to lose every time? Statistically that's actually pretty lucky.”

“Your words cut deep.” Manny puts his hands to his chest. “But it looks like I’m not the only loser at the table now. That new girl seems to really like you.”

Ugh.

“Shut up Manny.” 

He holds his hands up defensively. “I’m just saying!” 

“Seriously, Manny. Leave her alone, she’s been through enough, she doesn’t need you gnawing at her ankles.”

“Harsh. But I’m used to your tough love.”

“Yeah, yeah.” 

I brush him off, but the conversation sticks with me. Not sure exactly what he’s trying to say. Maybe I don’t wanna know. He has a real talent for making things awkward, can’t just leave things be. Can only hope he doesn’t say some weird shit in front of her. 

I pick at the grooves of my pistol boiling over the idea, pacing the perimeter while we wait for Nick to finish checking out of the armory. 

Why’d he always have to do this kinda thing? 

He’d done this with Owen too, there was something there, sure - now it’s just awkward.

We were better off friends. 

The thought comes too casually. Shit.

Once Nick catches up to us. We head to the first checkpoint, a cleared parking garage that can see over most of the skyline. I stop at the ground floor to rest on a curb stop in one of the parking spots. Holster my pistol while Manny heads up to update the whiteboard.

“You seem out of it.” Owen lowers beside me. “Something on your mind.”

God, I do not need this right now. “I’m fine, just tired.” 

“Just tired? You always say that when you don’t wanna talk about it.” He nudges my shoulder trying to loosen me up.

“Yeah, well, this time I’m just tired Owen.” It comes out rougher than I intend, but maybe it’ll get him off my case. Right now isn’t the time, this isn’t a casual conversation to be had on the clock.

“Okay… Alright…” Owen scoots away and grunts, pulling himself up from my side. “Let me know if you want to talk about it later.”

The winding of my thoughts spring out at once, Owen happens to be the thing closest to the explosion. “There’s nothing to talk about!” I snap. 

Owen goes rigid. The hurt is evident in his voice. “I want to be there for you, Abby, that’s all.” 

At this point I can’t help it, the annoying self pity. His hovering and prodding at my emotions. “You always have to push your way in where no one wants it. Told you, it’s nothing.” I quickly turn my shoulder, chew my lip furiously.

It takes too long, but he eventually walks away. I’m left again to my thoughts. Starting to feel guilty for taking out my anger like that, not sure why it’s getting to me so much. What has me so suddenly irritated at the smallest things. Maybe I’m just too focused on the cure. Just need to relax and let the process roll out on its own. Dad will tell me if there’s any changes. Can’t say I’m not disappointed it’s already taken more than a day without results. 

Need space from everything, to clear my head, go to the park and just be alone. 

It’ll have to wait until I’m off tomorrow night. Right now, prepare myself for this talk I need to have with Owen. Figure out how to let him down gently and make things clear, because I could tell him one thing and he always does the opposite like it’s some game. Starting to wonder why I even liked him in the first place. Always thought he was funny, maybe charming, just now it’s become this constant vie for attention.

Suddenly, now that I need to collect my thoughts, patrol goes from a snail's pace to over. 

When we get back, I take a long shower, take extra care re-braiding my hair. No matter how much I want to stall, I’ve already spent too much time in my room. Need to get to the mess hall before Manny says anything weird about me to her. I pull on clean clothes and make my way to dinner. Not looking forward to this.

In the mess hall, they're already chatting as usual, Ellie seated across from Owen. 

Of all places to sit.

“Scoot over.” I don’t wait before pushing her with my whole body. 

“Hey- Um, hello to you too.” Ellie says with offense.

I lean over her shoulder and she gives me another dirty look. “What’s for dinner? Ooh right, MRE burrito night!” I reach my hand to get close to the foil wrapped food.

She grips the tray with both hands and slides it away. “Get your own!”

Our bickering gets a laugh out of Manny. “Wow, if anyone else talked to you that way you’d be at our throats. You got a soft spot for new girl?”

I glare at him and sigh leaning out of Ellie’s personal space. My attention is now on the long line, but soon I lock on to Manny’s tray.

“Don’t even think about it.” He reads my mind, shields it with his arms. “Go wait in line like everyone else. It’s not our fault you're late.”

“Cause you’re so good at waiting in line. You cut like every other night.” With a dramatic show of inconvenience, I reel back in my seat to stand. 

“Hey you could too,” Manny laughs mid chew, “But don’t worry, I got you.” He pulls another foil wrapped burrito from his pocket, earning a glare from the rest of the table. “What? I’m not gonna deal with her when she’s hungry.”

“Gonna ignore that last part. Thanks.” I take a second to pull myself out of my frustrations, I’ve been falling into them too easily today. I begin peeling away the wrapping. 

Out of the corner of my eye, I spot a book on the other side of Ellie. “Whatcha reading?”

She pauses, about to take a bite of the coarse rehydrated mystery grain they’re serving tonight. “Oh, uh. It’s a comic book. Savage Starlight. I don’t have all of ‘em yet though.”

“Nerd alert!” Nora chimes. 

Manny snickers obnoxiously.

The sight of that cabròn making fun of her sets me off again. “Manny I know you’re not laughing. Don’t you watch anime?”

“And you collect coins. Never said there was anything wrong with nerds.” He shrugs.

Nora raises her hands to settle us down. “Guys, not at the dinner table.” She turns to address Ellie directly who’s just been silently observing the whole interaction unfold. “Don’t worry you’ll fit in with the rest of these losers. They’ve all got some weird shit they like.”

“Sorry we have hobbies. You should try getting one.” I tease, taking a bite of my food. 

Leah interjects. “Photography is an art, Nora, don’t lump me in with the rest of them.”

Nora laughs at our glaring. “Not after you geeked out over that camera catalogue Manny found. Still a nerd.” 

Huddling over Ellie’s shoulder again, I get a better look. The pictures are colorful, not much like what I usually read. She’d probably like that abandoned building a few blocks from here. “You know, there’s a library nearby. Maybe I can show you sometime.”

“I dunno.” She looks at me tense from the corner of her eye. “I can’t leave. Marlene has me on lockdown, for my own safety.” She says with air quotes.

“Maybe we can go after your testing is over with.”

“Sure.” She looks back at the pages, smiling to herself.

Manny breaks into the moment. “Looks like someone’s got a date.” 

My jaw goes tense. Can feel my cheeks heating up too and I know I must be red. “Getting real tired of hearing your voice today.”

“Relax, Abs. I’m just giving you a hard time.”

“And when are you not?”

Ellie laughs off his comment, moves her book so it’s in between us and scoots in closer, pointing to a panel on the page. “So. This is Dr. Daniela Star. She’s a genius basically, invents this thing that lets her ship travel at light speed…”

I catch Owen glance between me and Manny, then at Ellie.

She’s oblivious to it, continuing to rant about her comic. “…She meets these guys called The Travelers and basically has to stop them from killing all humans or whatever. You should read it, it's amazing.”

“I’m more of a words person.” I say, a bit distracted.

I’ve offended Ellie. “Let me get this straight,” She gestures to Manny. “He says you collect coins. And now you're telling me you only read chapter books? What are you, some geezer?”

I scoff, “Um. Have you ever tried reading an actual book?”

“Nora, you’re wrong, I don’t think I can fit in with this loser- Ow!” She scowls at me when I blunt my fist to her shoulder.

Owen’s staring persistently now. The sounds around me become muffled and blended. Laughter drones out, feels like there’s a shift, but I can’t quite pick it up. Try to latch onto my thoughts, all I can think about is how after this I’m gonna have that awkward talk with him. Worried that after my frustration will eventually fade and everything will feel normal again, that when it does I’ll regret it. 

My head clears when Ellie’s voice cuts through again. 

“Alright.” She stretches and yawns. “I’m gonna call it. Was nice meeting you guys.”

“It was fun losing with you.” Manny waves.

She stands a bit stiffly, gathering her things. “See you tomorrow Abby.” 

Curling my lips briefly at the abrupt ending to dinner, I give her an unprepared glance. “-Yeah… See ya.”

Everyone has taken to her, saying their goodnights and clearing their own things up. 

Can feel a tension rising.

He takes me aside by the arm before I can say anything myself, already getting ready to peel away at me. 

“What was that?” He says, still holding on.

I pull away and take a step back. “What are you talking about Owen?”

“Asking other people on dates isn’t what you do when you have a boyfriend.”

“I’m not-“ my face scrunches sourly. “Manny doesn’t actually mean that, he’s just trying to get on my nerves.”

“So why is it working?”

I huff loudly and cross my arms. “You need to stop reading into everything, first on patrol and now this?”

“You’ve been avoiding me Abby, getting short with me. It’s like you can’t stand me. All because of some girl you met a day ago?”

“Oh- Okay.” I look him up and down with a disgust that likely isn’t subtle. “I can’t stand you because you’re being a little bitch about nothing.”

“Wow.” He’s trying not to show it, but I can see how it gets under his skin. “Don’t I have a right to be worried? You’re clinging on to her, completely ignoring me, shouting at me on patrol. Making plans to hang out with her when I’m right in front of you-”

“So I’m not allowed to have friends now?”

“Abby. You need to figure out what you want because I’m not waiting around for you to like me.”

“Don’t wait.” I say simply. 

He makes a sound of astonishment, shakes his head and looks at me like a stranger. 

When he rushes off, I should feel worse than I do. I should follow him. Part of me feels justified. But the longer I think about it, the harder it is to find anything he’s actually done wrong. 

That could’ve gone better.

Either way, it’s over. I grab an extra tray of food, pile on extra cause I know Dad probably skipped lunch, and make my way to the pediatrics wing.

The light is on in his study. Harsh voices muffled by the partially shut door. I peer through and see Marlene, arms crossed. “There has to be some other way.”

“There’s no way to remove the specimen without destroying the host.” 

“The host?” She narrows her eyes. “She is a child, not some petri dish.”

“You think I don't-“ He pinches the bridge of his nose. “I'm aware of the situation.”

“And you're okay with killing her?”

“No, I'm okay with developing a vaccine that'll help save millions of lives.” Dad stumbles over his words, regains his posture. “How many Fireflies have died for less?”

“That was their choice.” Marlene points at him, shakes her head. Opening her palm she breathes harshly in frustration. “Are you asking me, or are you telling me this is how it's gonna be?

“I am begging you to buy in.” He curls his hands close to his chest. Looks at her with a gleam of hope.

“And what if this was Abby?”

Dad shakes his head and falters. “Look, everything that we've been fighting for, all the sacrifices, all the horrific… all of that is justified with this one act.”

“If this was your daughter, what would you do?” Marlene doubles down.

Dad notices me standing there. “Abby-“

I walk in cautiously, still holding the tray. “You talking about Ellie?”

He looks away, doesn’t give me an immediate answer, it sparks something. 

My face twists. “Yeah, what if it was me, Dad?” 

“That’s not fair.” Dad approaches me, looks between Marlene and I. “Everything I ever do, it’s for you Abby.”

Won’t let him have the satisfaction, won’t let him use me as an excuse. “Is it? Or are you just trying to prove something?”

Dad laughs flatly. “This will change the course of history. I have everything to prove here, Abigail. We’ve wanted this for so long.”

My frown deepens. “Since when? Since they died?” 

He doesn’t say anything at that. Stares at me rigid and pained. Marlene doesn’t say a word. Stands with her hands on her hips, watching Dad closely. His silence is answer enough. 

I toss the tray of food on the table. “Brought you dinner.” Quick to turn on my heel and stride out, letting the sound of him calling after me drift.

Everyone’s pissing me off today.

I run down the stairs with purpose, but I’m unsure of what I want out of this. Wiping my tears, I soften my expression, her room just on the other side of the stairwell door. I just need to see her right now.

Chapter Text

ELLIE

After dinner, we all drop our trays at the bus bin and go our separate ways. Abby and Owen are standing off to the side bickering in hushed tones. 

Yikes. Shouldn’t get involved in that. 

When I’m back in the quiet confinement of my room, I flip open my journal and lean over the dim lantern lit desk.

Manny’s words replay in my head. “Looks like someone’s got a date.”

Sure she’s fun to be around, but really I’m just happy to have friends. Need to get used to their way of joking I guess. Barely been here, already think I’m fitting in fine. These people are so different from any of those asshole FEDRA kids.

Again I find my mind in Boston. On Riley. Friends through everything. I didn’t realize my feelings until I was without her for so long. When we kissed, I hardly expected it myself, but it was right. Not that there was time to understand those feelings before everything fell apart.  

[Would do anything to see her again, just one more time. Wonder how things would’ve been different if-]

…

I write down a thought and a half before I sigh stuck in a cycle of memories. My fingers brush over the old scar, teeth marks that connect me to her. If we weren’t bitten maybe we’d still be together in Boston right now. Maybe we would’ve found our way to Utah. The idea makes me feel sick, that we should both be here right now, not just me.

To push away the growing anxiety, I start drawing. 

Abby’s celebratory smile, her hands shuffling the cards for another round. [She’s good at cards.] I scribble next to it.

I draw her again. Her short interwoven braid, an angle I saw when she led me from the lab to my room. [This place is safe. Hard to accept it after what we went through out there.]

Like last night, Joel knocks at the frame of my door announcing his presence. It still startles me, not as badly this time. Flip my journal shut and slide it aside.

“Heard you've made a friend.” He says knowingly.

“Yeah, it’s nice here…” I turn, hunching over, my shoulder resting against the back of the chair to face him. “Who’d you hear that from? Abby?”

“Her dad.” Joel sits on the unused cot casually, leans his ankle over his knee. “We were chatting a bit earlier today, though I don’t understand any of that scientific mumbo jumbo he goes on about.”

I chuckle, thinking how if he saw the lab he’d lose his mind over the devices and lingo. I nearly did myself before Jerry gave me words of reassurance. 

“Look at you, making friends too.” I poke.

“Oh come on now.” It’s rare to get anything from him longer than a snort, but he smirks with a low soft laugh. “Just wanted to make sure everything was going alright with all that, cure, stuff.” 

It draws a bigger smile from me. Right now, I’m not worried about Joel’s life, or bandits, or losing more people. Somehow everything before all this has become a distant memory akin to a bad dream. 

“Well, ‘night Kiddo. Don’t stay up too late.”

“You too, old man.” 

…

The cold mattress keeps me awake a little longer. 

Thinking how good it feels having friends again, helping out around the hospital, working towards a cure. This is the most content I've been for a long time. A moment where I’m not scraping to survive. 

Still can’t help it. Scared of letting my guard down, being proven wrong, but the belief creeps up on me - That Saint Mary’s is a sanctuary.

[“Run, little rabbit, run.”]

“Ellie.” A voice whispers close beside me.

It jostles out of my half asleep state, yelping and bolting upright, unfolding my knife on instinct. Abby stands over me in the dark hands up defensively, my blade pointed a few inches from her throat.

“Jesus-“ I sigh, lowering the blade. “What the hell are you doing? It’s the middle of the fucking night!”

Abby lifts her index finger in front of her lips. “Come with me.” 

She pulls me out of bed, grip firm around my wrist raising the hairs on my arm. 

“Give me a minute dude, let me get dressed.” I whisper harshly. 

I mean, what is she thinking? She could talk to me any other time, but chooses now. No matter how inconvenient it is, it reminds me of that night in Boston and I can’t help but go along with it.

Once I’ve changed my sleep shorts for jeans, I lace my shoes and follow her lead. Down the stairwell. Slithering past the guards in the quiet hallways. White lights turn down the corridor perpendicular to us. Abby nudges me to keep me steady. A couple of night patrols. We fall back - careful to pick up the heels of our shoes so they don’t rub against the smooth tile.

We duck into an open room, door propped open by some storage containers. 

“Shit.” Abby whispers harshly, searching for an escape. A single beam shines down the hall, heading our way.

“Up there.” I point.

Abby’s attention follows the line of my finger to the window above a desk. She shakes her head quickly, “That won't work.”

“Well? Any other ideas?” We need to make a choice now.

She grimaces and glances back where the light narrows. “Go, just go.” 

I climb up and slide down the pane of glass. Lifting myself to roll over the gap and land on the scaffolding outside. Abby starts to follow, brings herself over but freezes when she finds the sill, still clinging to the top edge of the window. 

“Stop messing around.” I say hushed.

Just before the light flashes by, Abby slips down and stumbles a bit beside me before flattening against the exterior wall.

Searching over the edge for a way down, I try to get an answer from her, “Where next?” 

“Just… give me a minute.” Her voice comes out shaky.

I turn to face her, she’s clutching the railing, squatting low to keep balance. 

“What’s the matter with you?” I ask.

“Can’t look down.” She gets out quickly, squeezes her eyes shut.

“It’s only two floors.” Try to calm her. “We can use that ladder, see?”

She takes a glance. Finds the exit route, but instinctively looks down and takes a harsh breath in. “Shit!”

I offer my arm out to her. Her hands fly to me, so tight I almost lose my own balance. But I make good on my promise, place her hands on the first rung so she has something to ground her.

“It’ll be fine.” I say.

I let her go first. She takes her time, hands scared to let go rigidly snapping to each crossbar. I follow once she’s halfway down and when we’re both on solid earth, Abby looks as if she’s ready to start a new religion for land, sweet land. 

We quickly continue to sneak our way out of the radius of patrols. Here she starts walking more openly and relaxed.

I sigh, pull my jacket around me tight. “You wanna tell me where you’re dragging me off to?” 

“We’ll be back before they even know we’re gone.” She smirks, giving a look of newly recovered confidence. 

“Dude, you looked like you were gonna shit yourself back there.” I grin.

Abby rolls her eyes, speaks matter of factly. “It’s a physical reaction. I can’t help it.” 

“Alright.” My snickering gets me a sharp, tested glance.

We walk through a grove that eventually opens up into a park, right outside of the zoo nearby. 

“Y’know, Joel and I saw some giraffes on our way here.” I jog, catching up after squeaking down a plastic slide that looks like a snail.

Abby nods, ”Right, there’s a herd of them that hang around.” 

”We got up real close in a building. I got to pet one of ‘em.”

“Sure.” She scoffs.

”I’m being for real! It was all gross and snotty… Kinda like you.”

An elbow meets my ribs in response. “Keep talking like that, I’ll rip that stupid ponytail off.”

”Ow, hey! At least it’s not some stupid braid.” I chide back, rubbing my side.

Abby chuckles lightly, pushes through the foliage in front of her. A small clearing by a lake appears, framing a view of the hospital. 

“Nice view.” I comment.

She hums in agreement. “I was here when I got news you’d been picked up by the patrol.” Scrapes the dirt from under her nails, preoccupied. 

There’s an air of something still unspoken. I don’t know her well, but it feels like something’s off. I remain quiet allowing her to continue. Abby crouches down digging through stones until she finds a smooth one. Skips it across the still surface of the lake, breaking its mirror-like illusion. 

“Talked to my dad earlier tonight. We got in a fight.” 

Makes me think back on the argument with Joel outside of Jackson. Maybe Joel isn’t my real dad, but I can at least relate to her situation. ”I’m sorry. That sucks…”  

“Him and Marlene, I overheard them arguing.” She pauses searching for another stone to toss. “I took Marlene’s side, he was pissed. I think he felt guilty.” 

“Guilty about what?” I pluck a twig off the ground and start prodding at some mud.  

“I’m not-” The second stone only skips once before falling into the depths. “It’s confidential.”

”Okay.” I say with annoyance. “So, did you work it out?”

She clutches a new stone tight. ”I don’t know what to do.” 

Unceremoniously, she hurls it hard, droplets of water spout up and sprinkle back down on the surface.

Jumping at the sound of the sudden splash, I tilt back unbalanced on my heels. “Shit dude!”

Abby’s voice breaks in frustration, repeating herself. “I don’t know what to do…” 

I readjust myself and stand, cautiously ambling in Abby’s direction. Unsure if I should try to comfort her or not. She seems to have a tendency for snapping at people, but I haven’t seen her this worked up. “So he’s mad at you?”

The young firefly stares out over the rippling water, soon calming. “It’s more that I'm mad at him.” She huffs.

Squatting by her, I find a flat rock and offer it up towards her. Our eyes meet and fingers brush. A brief moment I’m quick to move past, focusing again on the muddy shore. Teetering on the toes of my converse, I sink slightly into the damp earth.

“Before I got here, Joel and I fought too, almost went our separate ways.”

“…Why?” Abby asks quietly. 

“I think he was scared of me, stirred up some past shit.” I nod to myself. Think about the things I’ll never know about him. The little I know about his daughter is from Maria. The awful way Sarah died.

“I was scared too,” I continue. “But I couldn’t do anything. In the end, he changed his mind. Don’t know why. Guess I’m not sure what I’m trying to say…”

Moonlight reflects the gentle waters against her face. A silence passes over us again until she turns away, flicking her wrist skillfully and letting the stone fly free.

We stay like this. In our own heads. Until Abby sighs resolutely. “We should head back.”

Is that all she wanted to do? Come out here, throw some rocks, complain about her dad?

Eyeing her carefully, I try to figure her out, but it feels like there’s a barrier between us now. “Sure.” I agree.

When we’re walking back, I catch her rubbing at the corners of her eyes, but I don’t comment on it. 

We sneak back in, this time through a window on the ground floor and use the emergency stairwell where we were supposed to exit from.

“Hey.” I tap her arm with the back of my hand when we’re at my floor. “I hope everything goes okay and all. With your dad…”

“Yeah. Thanks.” She keeps her focus on the floor, trying to hide from me now.

I let it go. Don’t wanna dig into something that’s not my business. 

“Well um… See you tomorrow.” It’s all I say before clumsily backing into the door and heading to my room.

…

Stay up late trying to figure her out, replaying everything from the night. Come up with nothing. And when I wake up I’m still dead tired, even though I’ve slept through breakfast. 

“Shit.” I throw off the covers and get dressed, lace my sneakers snug. 

I speed down the halls, I’ll be a few minutes late for my shift anyways, that’s not what has me in a hurry. 

The armory has a few lingering patrols, but it’s already died down. Nora and Mel are resupplying medkits. 

She’s not here.

“Just missed her.” Nora says without even looking up. “Already left for patrol.” 

“Oh.” 

It’s disappointing. 

Last night she still seemed off, could sense there was more to it. That, despite bringing me along, she was reluctant to say everything on her mind. 

It’ll have to wait till after morning block.

But when Abby doesn’t show up for lunch I’m still watching the entrance halfway through, like she’ll suddenly appear. Everyone is here besides her and Owen. The thought they might be together makes my stomach churn.

“Hey, where’s Abby?” I ask the table.

Nora shrugs. “She likes her alone time, probably reading some boring classic literature.”

“That or she’s brooding.” Manny adds. “After that whole thing with Owen, that’s what I’d guess.”

Nora nods in concurrence.

“You guys are so insensitive.” Leah rolls her eyes. “Cut her some slack, she just got out of a relationship.”

More likely it’s something to do with last night, probably working things out with her dad or something. 

None of her friends have answers for me, so eventually I stare down blankly at my comic and let the rest of lunch go by.

…

My eyes burn with tiredness under the lights of the lab. I rub my face sitting on the edge of the table. This afternoon I’m alone in the room, no lab techs or phlebotomists, until Jerry walks in, sorting through an armful of folders.

“Hi, Ellie.” Tone short while he’s absorbed in his papers. “I wanted a chance to talk with you.”

“…Okay.” I busy my hands, try to gauge what he knows, what he’s willing to say. “Hey, so. I haven’t seen Abby all day. Know what’s up with her?”

“She’s-“ Jerry is caught off guard by it for some reason. His face drops. 

He picks up a sheet and carries it over to me. “This cure.” He moves past it, avoids the question entirely. “I want you to know it’s possible. There’s a chance here.” 

My heart stills in my chest at the news. “Holy shit.”

Jerry hands me the sheet then threads his fingers, picks at his nails like Abby does when she’s thinking.

I look over the negatives, a white blotch stemming from the right side of the head. The mutation. 

“To collect it.” He nods to himself and stretches his jaw. “We’d need to remove part of your brain. There isn’t another way.”

It hits me hard, knocks air from me. And this just fucking wakes me up. The past couple days feel like they weren’t real, a fantasy to distract me from the cold reality of the world. Because of course, things are never that simple, there’s always a price.

“You wouldn't feel any pain. Once we collect the specimen, we’ll be able to reverse engineer a vaccine.” Jerry takes a hesitant breath and continues. “This would change everything… but you should take some time to think about it. Ellie, it’s your decision-“

“I’ll do it.” I say. 

No reason to stand still anymore. It’d hurt, draw out the feelings I have right now, the inkling to chase the fantasy of new friends and a calm life. “How soon can we do this?”

Chapter Text

ABBY

Don’t feel much like eating after patrol, I close myself in my room, thumb through the Iliad, skimming through myths I’ve read over and over. It’s mechanical, I’m summarizing them in my head before I even start reading.

Phaeton. The son of Helios. Who tried to wield a device of the gods, his fathers chariot, only to set everything aflame. His reckless behavior urged Zeus to smite him. Thus rendering Phaeton a victim to his own hubris. A tragedy of naive youth. Self destruction. Divine justice and grief.

I hope Ellie’s right and things will sort themselves out.

Asclepius. The son of Apollo. A prolific healer who could bring back the dead and grant immortality. Only to be smited by Zeus, much like Phaeton, for disturbing the natural order. Followers were quick to dedicate themselves to his practice, construct temples for him. A tragedy of blind ambition. Honor and legacy.

I sigh to myself. That anger keeps lapsing over every time I’m getting close to focusing. Not even reading can take my mind off it, what Dad wants to do to Ellie. Kill her for the chance of a cure. And if it doesn’t work it’d be for nothing. That’s the part that gets me most, that risk.

Three knocks startle me. 

I resituate myself, don’t bother to save my place, a book of anthologies is easy to jump around. 

“Come in.” I call out.

I’m surprised to see Marlene on the other side, she quietly closes the door behind her. A serious look and serious tone. “Abby.”

“What’s up?” We’re on the same page. Maybe she can help me figure this out. Talk some sense into Dad.

Marlene leans against the door, crosses her arms. “How are you holding up?” 

“Still can’t believe Dad right now.” My jaw tightens. “He say anything else about it?”

She nods, purses her lips. Can tell she’s holding something back.

I laugh in annoyance at her hesitance. “Well?”

“Your dad told Ellie. About the procedure.” Marlene holds a hand up to settle me. It does the opposite. 

“Wh-“ I shake my head, anger rising hot. “Where is she?”

“She’s staying late in the lab today.” 

“When will she be out? I need to talk to her.” I stand and make for the door, but Marlene doesn’t move out of the way.

“You can’t. She’s being prepped for surgery.”

“Surgery?” I shake my head in disbelief. “What?”

“She wants this, insisted on doing it as soon as possible.” 

There's a prickling behind my eyes, the kind that predicts tears. “What was the point in telling me if I can’t do anything about it?” 

“I thought you deserved to know.” Marlene looks at me like I’m pitiful. Like I’m some wounded animal that won’t make it.

“Move…” I say gruffly. I’ve never spoken to her like this.

Her voice lowers. “Abby, don’t make this hard.”

My jaw drops and I scoff in disbelief. That she’s twisting this on me, like my response is unwarranted. “You’re joking.”

But I know she’s not. 

…

Red lights flash under the door from the hallway, deafening alarm blaring. Can’t let Dad do this. I won’t forgive him if he does. I shove my shoulder against the door again, already tender and bruised from earlier attempts. I pace, frustration rising up like bile. 

Marlene’s locked me in my room. Ellie’s under the knife right now and I’m not allowed to see her.

Looking at the window, it isn’t an option. Besides being on the fourth floor, there’s no scaffolding on this side of the building and it’s not like she’s here to help me through it anyways. 

“Marlene!” I yell, tears already run dry and staining my cheeks, I slam my fist against the door and back up into the room. “Marlene, fuck you!”

Before I can bring myself to try breaking through into the hallway again, it throws open inwards. A silhouette against the crimson beams. 

Joel brandishes an automatic rifle, one of ours. “Where’s the surgical wing!” His shirt spattered with blood. “Abby, where is she?” His voice trembles with rage.

“She-“ I shake myself back into the moment. “Sixth floor. We need to hurry.” 

Joel and I rush through the corridors, hiding from any armed soldiers we can avoid. I can’t think or speak when Joel eliminates those of them directly in our path. The screams of adults I’m familiar with numbing me as I watch this man turned animal rip them to shreds at the barrel of a gun.

We climb the stairwell and enter the hall outside of the pediatric wing. 

“Smoke him out!” Someone yells past the threshold. I recognize his voice, Mason, the Firefly that taught me how to use a gun when I was 13. 

Smoke bombs go off around us and several guards rush in, taking cover behind overturned furniture. “Don’t let him get through!”

Through my coughing, I feel myself being yanked roughly, Joel brings me in front of him, revolver to my head.

All of them anxiously aim their sights at us. I don’t struggle, just keep as still as I can, eyes wide.

“It’s Abby!” Mason shouts. “Let her go!”

A shot fires and there’s a ringing in my right ear. Mason collapses to a knee screaming out in pain, blood pouring from the hole in his shin. Another goes off. The plastic of his visor shatters and he falls backwards. 

My breath catches inward, but I don’t dare flinch. Just keep staring down at the growing pool around his head.

“Move in!” Another commands. 

But as they close toward us, Joel’s gun pushes hard against my temple. 

“Shit!” One of them utters. 

The line of soldiers glance at each other unsure of what to do. While they hesitate, Joel pulls me backwards slowly. He brings me down behind a crate, throws something over.

“Take cover!” Someone orders.

A blast. Nails fly through the air, pinning into the walls. Muffled wails of pain emerge as my hearing returns.

I watch from the ground, Joel kneeling, elbows resting on the top of the crate, an automatic rifle firing into the clearing debris.

My eyes squeeze shut and I hold my hands over my ears. Each time he reloads and sprays a fan of bullets I can feel my teeth vibrating. The hard pulse of my heartbeat rushes through me, until I reach a moment of sudden clarity - Joel dragging me to my feet and rushing us forward. 

Can’t keep from looking down at the bodies, riddled with holes, partial limbs embedded with nails. My skin feels numb. The world narrows to the red metal door in front of us 

“In there.” I say breathless and trembling, still in shock.

Joel wastes no time barging through. I stay close behind, weak in my legs, catch a glimpse of Ellie laid unconscious on the operation table. Two assistants back up to the wall.

Dad steps away, hands raised. “Joel…” Eyes darting to the side, he rushes to grab a scalpel and points it at him. “We can’t take this chance for granted… The lives we could save…”

Joel lifts the gun's sights at him. “You can let us go, or I can take it into my own hands.”

“This isn’t about her, or us. We can talk about this-“ Dad halts, eyes shifting to finally notice the girl beside the threat. “Abby?”

Hearing my name brings me out of the buzz. Now I can only feel this grating in the back of my mind, the image of the great man that was my father is now tainted; with sorrow, betrayal. My hand finds a place atop Joel’s gun, lowering it so I can step past him. Watery eyes still on Dad, shaking my head in slow disapproval. As if he’s the one responsible for the deaths outside.

I move quickly to unfasten the IV from Ellie’s wrist and pull the suctioned nodes from her skin. All Dad does is watch.

Joel reenters the scene with a less offensive demeanor. His gun still held firm and decisively.

But Dad’s eyes aren’t on Joel, and he stands helpless, his daughter's interference more disarming than a gun on him. “Abby. She wants this. You have to understand…” He reaches out, but I don’t let him touch me.

“Oh, I understand.” I nod to Joel, who moves quickly to carry Ellie. “You said it was unfair, when I asked if it was me.”

But now I know what he’d do. He would never put me on that table. Of course when it comes to me, he’s a coward. But he would risk his own life, others lives for this - his failings as a father, as a husband. 

“What are the odds this works, Dad, do you know?.” My voice cracks, composure faltering. “This won’t bring them back.”

Dad looks down wounded. “This isn’t…”

Makes me angrier how he won’t answer. Like before. If it was me and not her.

“Right. So long as it’s some other kid.” I sneer, tears in my voice, backing up toward the side exit. I’d been fighting for this cause too. For so long, I thought this was the answer. This one good thing would make up for all the bad ones. The innocent lives caught in crossfire. Those who had died for the fireflies. The first to die for them, all those years ago when he went out too long intermingling with rebels, coming back to a child alone with the bodies of our family.

And to take someone like Ellie. It’s another death on our hands and there’s already a trail of dead bodies winding across the hospital floors. 

We back out of the room slow, Dad tries to call out to me. I keep my focus set ahead, leading Joel to the elevator, soldiers follow us closely holding their fire. Flashlights casting out shadows hard across the floor. 

We make it just in time, and I close the doors just as the soldiers catch up to us.

The sound of the alarms become muffled through the elevator, I look at her, dead weight in his arms, face calm. Her hand hangs limp toward the floor and I reach out, hold it tight until the doors slide open to the garage. 

I slam the emergency button to stall the elevator. But a firefly has already made it down. 

“Stop!” Marlene holds a gun on Joel, her eyes cold and movement steady. “Think about what you’re doing. This is what she wants.”

I step between them and Marlene’s aim, she glares, scrutinizing. I’ve disappointed her, but she’s not surprised. 

The shame is overshadowed by the idea of losing the one person that’s made me feel normal since Mom and Shawn died. 

“You’re letting them go.” I raise my own pistol at her. 

This is what surprises her. She moves her gun away and lowers it to the ground, hands still up. “You can still do the right thing.” 

A car door swings open and Ellie is set in the back seat. I only get one last glance at her before the door is closed and Joel yells to me. 

“You coming with us?”

To run from it all. That would be my own personal sin. 

“Go!” I shout, gun still trained on Marlene. I lift her weapon from the floor as tires screech and the hum of the truck fades.

Chapter Text

ELLIE

[4 years later]

Every night it gets colder. In a week it’ll be new years, hopefully spring will make quick work of this snow. I lean against the cold glass window of the lodge, lost staring out over the landscape, Joel joins beside me. 

“Just signed the log book. Ready to head out?” He asks it cautiously knowing I could snap at him no matter what words leave his mouth.

“Sure.” I only give him a short glance. Haven’t really looked at him the same way since I woke up in that car, confused and still alive. Since we’ve been in Jackson all I’ve gotten are poorly veiled lies. 

”They figured it out just in time. Grew it from your blood samples, didn't need to take your life… But it did no good to develop anything.”

That my immunity meant nothing, the Fireflies were another monster like FEDRA that used lives to fuel their own interests of power.

I think he knew I didn’t believe him. He always got angry when my questions came up. And I knew it was bullshit, he didn’t understand the science.

After years of asking for the truth, two years ago I decided to find it myself. The hospital was left abandoned. The table we used to sit at. My old journal. They’d left everything behind. I almost believed his words seeing the state of the place, Jerry’s research, the labs. There was no cure, so they disbanded, it was all for nothing.

What about Marlene? Abby, her friends? I never got to say goodbye to her, he could never answer as to why. 

And when I dug deeper I found it. An old voice recorder in a bag left in the room I was supposed to die in.

[The girl and the smuggler are gone. Abby led them right out the fucking back door. Everyone wants to go to a settlement out west, regroup for a few months, go after them - but now Jerry’s saying he won’t do it. Says he doesn’t want to lose his daughter. He’s a coward. And Abby… she is responsible for the lives lost here too. She’s a piece of shit, she always has been.] 

I played the message over and over trying to make sense of Mel’s words, engraving them in me. 

Joel rode up on his horse shouting. 

I pushed him away when he hugged me. Made him tell me then, “What happened here?”

Remember him starting to mentally thumb through his lines. Get his stories straight.

“If you lie to me one more time, I’m gone.” I meant it, he knew that. “You will never see me again.”

His lip twitched, like it was a physical discomfort to get the words out. “They were gonna make a cure. But it would’ve killed you. So I stopped them.”

Had to sit down, my palm at the center of my chest where it became hollow. “Oh my- Oh my god…” 

I hit him away when he tried to reach out to me. “Don’t you fucking touch me!” 

What he’d done. What Abby had done. 

“I’ll go back to Jackson. But we’re done.” 

I wanted to search for the remaining fireflies. Convince Jerry. There was nothing left to track them. And I couldn’t just wander the coast until I ran into them. It’s something I always kinda knew I’d have to accept. It was over. The potential for the cure, lost. Stolen from me.  

…

“Ellie. Let’s get this done so we can get out of the cold.” 

I sigh, close my eyes. I told him I’d try to forgive him, but right now it feels hard just being around him.

Bringing myself up onto Shimmer, we continue our route. Taking out some infected that wander in our path, there’s a lot of them out this way normally. Suppose they’re all tucked away into the wreckages of the town.

As we keep on, things ease and don’t feel as tense between us. Joel talks wistfully about the movie I promised to watch with him tonight, Curtis and Viper II.  

“That scene when Viper slices the commander guy’s head off right before he pulls the trigger and the music cuts? Now that’s a moment.”

He’s almost giddy with excitement to watch it and I can’t blame him. It’s been a while since we’ve done anything together besides argue. 

“Okay, but we agree the best scene is when Curtis and Viper stand off against like 30 bad guys in the observatory and kill the shit out of them.” 

“I suppose that scene is alright. I dunno...” Can hear him baiting me in his tone.

“It’s literally the best scene in both movies, come on!” 

He laughs at my irritation. As we continue back and forth, offering up our self declared best scenes, the wind picks up. We make it to the lodge, leave Shimmer and Japan out of the cold while we continue on foot.

“I still think the way that doctor dies is stupid.” I continue on about our movie, yelling over the rising winds.

“You don’t think he had it coming? After all those fucked up experiments?”

“If he made it he would’ve been better as the villain in the third movie.”

“Well I can’t argue with that.”

Thickening snow whips around us, restless infected emerging from their hideaways, growing in numbers. We outrun them, but the storm will swallow us before we get to the next checkpoint. 

“We can't go back, we’ll hole up in the lift!” He shouts.

I chase after him close.

We make it past the hill, finally. Take shelter and secure the doors behind us.

Thinking about Dina and Jesse out there, I know both of them are capable. Probably have nothing to worry about. Tommy went out on his own to snipe infected, hopefully he made it to shelter. 

“Hope the other patrols are alright.” I say.

Joel nods, “We’ll check in, scout out the checkpoints once the storm eases up.”

A gunshot.

Joel and I freeze glancing at each other, listening. A couple more go off. And we’re both rushing out.

“Think that’s Tommy?” I ask, taking my rifle off my shoulder.

“Let’s hurry.”

We turn the corner to a wall of infected gnashing and clawing at the collapsing chain link fence. A woman, sinking into the snow, wrestling with one of them. I take aim and shoot it clean from a few yards away.

Joel helps her up while I go ahead to make sure the way in is clear. But when I turn the corner I see dozens of them banging against the far glass door leading into the breezeway. “Fuck!” 

I light a Molotov and throw it in a clean arc. It meets them right as the first couple squeeze through. 

Searching frantically for our next route I find doors free of wooden planks. Pray this door is the answer. I test it with my shoulder, not locked, barricaded from the other side by something heavy. “Joel, get this open!”  

Joel positions on the door while I fire off into the swarm. Displaces it enough for us to slip our way in. 

The woman forces the door shut on the other side while Joel pushes the vending machine back in place.

“Where next?” I pant, reloading my rifle, already looking at Joel, rushing my way through the building.

“Ellie, let’s take a minute-” Joel tries to get my attention following after me, but the shouts of infected are drawing near.

“They’re all around us!”  I take aim and drop as many as I can far off with my rifle, but their numbers keep growing and they start crawling in through the barely boarded up windows. 

While I’m squinting down my sights, the woman takes a couple of them out with a pipe torn from exposed plumbing, keeps them off my back. I glance at her, she’s in a military bomber. Big and broad shouldered. Good.

“Through here!” Joel shouts over the noise rushing through another door.

I follow through the ski lift. Joel tips a metal locker to secure the way behind us. Runners are already inside and coming at us. The last bullet in my rifle I send neatly lined up into two heads.

“Almost out!” I yell slinging it over my shoulder, swapping for my pistol.

The woman’s pipe finally breaks against one of their faces, brittle from time and rust, she snaps the neck of the next one swiftly.

Joel tries the exit, the sound of them drawing nearer. “These doors aren’t budging!”

A window catches my eye. “We can get out through there!” 

“It’s too high!” He draws us to a fallen ski carriage and a dolly. “You two, help me get this onto the cart!” 

I pull while they push from the other side, it manages to creak into place.

“Cover me while I move this!” Joel rushes to the back of the cart and starts rolling it with effort.

More infected start to spill in. The woman holds her own. Kicks another one down at the shin, smashing its head with her heel while I keep the rest staggered, shooting my handgun into their legs using my knife to finish the job. 

The longer we fight, the more of them there are, until we can’t keep up and we’re basically just running from them.

“Got it!” Joel calls us over. “C’mon hurry!”

My lungs are burning, but I can’t falter at the home stretch. I work through it, climb up the carriage and jump down on the other side. Fresh snow slipping under my knees. 

I check back on Joel, he’s helping the woman up after she stumbles on the landing. 

I’m rushing ahead scanning for more infected, but they’re closing in, climbing over each other like hungry vermin. On my last round for real now - not that it’d matter, there’s so many of them. 

“We need to run!” I yell gruffly.

Joel sprints ahead to clear the path. “Let’s book it to the lodge!” 

Hands reach toward us as we sprint, grabbing at the air through the gaps in our path. My last bullet embeds in a runner that grabs at my ankle. 

We slink past the hoard, just barely. 

Joel barges through the entrance. Once we’re all inside, he secures it and I set the bar in place. Hold my gun firm even though it’s empty, watch the wooden plank shake. 

Only now the woman pulls out a handgun.

“Where do we go now?” I say.

“Ellie, just wait!” Joel is demanding my attention again.

“This door isn’t gonna hold, we can't stay here!” I’m frantic on adrenaline, ready for our next move.

He yells with insistence. “Ellie!” 

It gets on my nerves. We don't have time. “What?” Give him a look to communicate my urgency. Until I follow his eyes and finally get a good look at this woman. My heart drops.

The Firefly I’d met 4 years ago. She stares down at me. A familiar stoic look, with a harshness that didn’t used to be there. Hadn’t recognized her at first, in the flurry of infected and snow. Undeniably the person from Salt Lake. 

“Abby?” 

“We’re camped in a small mansion up North. We’ve secured it too.”

We…

“That’s that Baldwin place.” Joel is wary.

I’m wary too. The shock of this. Thought we’d never cross paths again. It makes me uneasy, far away from my body. The question of, who else is here, fizzles out in my mind when the door jostles more violently and the barricade splinters down the middle. 

“Let's go!” Joel shouts making his decision. 

We run right as they break through. Abby pulls herself up behind me on Shimmer and we dash out into the punishing blizzard.

Can’t hear much over the wind and cries of runners, but Abby points our way to the large cabin, shooting off any that get too close to us with her pistol. 

The gates roll open at our loud arrival and secure once we’re past it. A bottle crashes and spills flaming liquid followed by a second Molotov, engulfing the small hoard that’d managed to keep up with us. Shouts, guns firing off, my heart beats out of my chest. Both from the narrow brush with death and being spooked by the ghosts of the Fireflies. 

They’re all bundled up and the air is so dense with snow I can’t tell who is who, but it’s their voices. Jordan, Owen, Nora…

We huddle in through the garage. “Come on, let's get warm!” Manny shouts as he runs up the stairs. 

The group rushes through to the living room, littered with sleeping bags and duffels of supplies. Everyone shivers, pulling off their snow drenched clothes. 

I scan each familiar face. They’re all here. 

I’m quick to return my attention to Abby while she tears away her layers down to a long sleeved undershirt. 

She’s tall now. 

Hair long, but still in that braid she always wore. The same in the way she carries herself, her expressions. It’s the same feeling too. Her being there after the tests, leaving the staleness of cold metal and morbid expressions behind. Our last conversation, we’d talked by the lake. An emptiness I’d patched.

Chapter Text

ABBY 

The hall stretches beneath me, bodies everywhere, mutilated in ways I can’t forget. Stark shadows cast under the flashing lights. 

I’m running to her, pushing through the door and into the surgical suite. It’s empty besides her on that table. Pale and still, a pool of blood beneath her. 

I shake my head, hover over her, too afraid to reach out and feel the coldness of her skin. “No…” 

Falling where I stand, I hit my palm against the blurry floor. Harsh involuntary sobs break, painful in my chest. I feel sick. 

When I lurch forward again, I’m somewhere else. The tall ceilings of the mansion loom above, early light flooding in. Settling my racing heart takes a few measured breaths while I blink away sleep. Closing my eyes I can still see that room. Slowly, I sit up, leaning my elbows over my knees. 

It’s our second night in these damn mountains. 

We’re close. We found the sign, but the roads are buried deep, and we can’t scout longer than a few hours before risking frostbite. No one’s saying it, but I know they want to call it. We’re more than halfway through our food, everyone’s tired of the cold. They can leave for all I care. I’m not going back until I find her.

Owen’s sleeping bag is empty, but Mel’s still here. Looking back to the windows, he’s standing there fully dressed looking out into the landscape.

I slide open my sleeping bag and approach him carefully, check back to make sure Mel’s still asleep. She doesn’t like us talking. Can understand it. Owen still acts weird around me even though it’s been years.

“Hey.” I say softly when I come up beside him. 

Fresh snow dusts his shoulders and hair. He’s been out. Owen looks at me before returning his attention to the landscape. “Nightmares?” 

“Was I talking in my sleep?”

“You were doing that teeth grinding thing.”

I nod, let out a sigh that’s half a laugh. “Where’ve you been?” I ask, crossing my arms.

“Have to show you something.”

“What is it?”

“Just come and see.”

Can’t get a read on him. He won’t answer any of my questions while we navigate the fresh powdery snow. Pokes fun at me when I slip and come up short at the ledge he easily leaps across. Feels like how we used to be.

Almost. 

If I didn’t know him I wouldn’t catch the masked eagerness in his look.

At least we can be some kind of normal. 

After Salt Lake, Mel was the angriest over it all, but Owen took it personally. Didn’t talk to me for months, but I’d catch him looking at me in the stadium mess hall.

The first time we started talking again was when we got paired on assignments. Didn’t talk about what happened to us, just fell back into our usual way. Owen says something dumb, I tell him it’s dumb. We laugh. Like it was before all this bullshit.

Up a particularly rocky ledge, he edges along a thin passage. The drop is certain death, and the ground stretches in front of me rapidly.

“Seriously?” I back away, shouting from the rush of adrenaline.

“It's just past here.”

Shaking my head, I try scooting along, but the vertigo gets to me. Lose my balance dangerously for a moment. “Shit!”

“Abby, stop looking down!” Owen scolds. 

To avoid the urge, I tilt my head up and take smaller steps until he helps me to solid ground. 

“Thanks.” I say, bending to catch my breath.

“Come see.” Owen rushes me.

We’re high up. “Give me a minute!” Still trying to regain my bearings.

Can get a clear view into the valley from here. In the distance, a web of lights. Just disappearing into the morning. “...It’s a town.” I laugh in disbelief.

He points over the sharp range. “Saw horse tracks. Guessing it’s some kind of patrol.”

This gives me lucidity. “Where?”

“Abby. Before we go rushing in-“

“Where?” My repetition, a growing impatience that comes through.

“Let’s talk about this with everyone else first.”

I’m not waiting, not when we’ve found the vague lead from Marlene. 

An old town called Jackson. Two former fireflies live there. One is Tommy Miller, the smuggler's brother.

“Owen.” I give him a look. One he’s well acquainted with.

“Mel’s pregnant.”

“Oh.” I sneer, give him an ingenuine laugh. “Okay…”

“Abby...”

“Should I say congrats?”

Owen sighs. “The others have a right to know.”

“So what? You can all decide to abandon this?”

“Another storm like two nights ago we’ll be trapped. We don’t even know if she’s here.”

“I knew I couldn’t fucking count on you.” My voice tremors on the verge of cracking.

“Think about how we’re getting back to the road. I don’t want to make that trip again knee deep in snow. Do you?”

On our way here, it was hard enough trudging up the range. Almost turned back before Nick and Manny found the sign. The snow had me unable to feel my legs. We’d taken shelter for a night in some old library chasing away the frozen death outside. 

“Fine.” I say. “Go then.”

He reaches out to me. “Don’t do that.”

“No. Don’t-!” Gritting my teeth, I yank my arm away. 

Starting another sentence, but losing the nerve. He leaves it. Retreats like a coward.

Fucking pregnant…

Can’t count on any of them for certain, maybe only Nora and Manny. That could be enough. Right now I'll do it myself.

I wander ahead and find the tracks, hard to see in the rising winds and eventually the trail runs cold. A lodge up the mountainside catches my attention. Must be the patrol.

Through collapsed cabins, I end up lost and when I run into infected things only get worse. They grow in numbers as the wind draws them out. Eventually I’m caught up in a hoard. Running through sparse decayed homes, chasing from all sides. Clambering up trucks to hop a fence. 

I keep going, searching for a way indoors.

Crawling under a falling fence, they pile on each other trying to break through. One gets past a seam in the chain link and falls on top of me. I misfire my pistol, struggling to aim and hold it back at the same time. Two more shots miss, then my gun gets lost in the snow somewhere.

It’s a stupid way to go out, when I could’ve been patient. Gone back with Owen to the mansion. Took the loss and kept our safety as priority.

Won’t go down until my arms give out. And they're just about to, shaking with exhaustion, crying out in one last push of desperation. 

A loud crack sounds off. The runner’s blood sprays.

I’m being lifted out of the snow, I couldn't have been more lucky. And when I face my saviors I realize just how lucky I am.

The smuggler and the girl.

It’s them. Joel, who helps me rise by the elbow. Ellie, who took the life saving shot, already rushing back to clear the way.

Joel gives me a grave look. Confusion, worry. He wants answers.

First we have to survive this. I dig for my gun and rush to follow their lead.

The infected don’t give us a break, but Ellie handles herself, keeping a clear head while dispatching them from a distance. Pulling back the bolt with a technical precision. 

I keep the stragglers off her as we fight through the ski lift. I’m tearing them down It’s brutal, we barely make it outside. 

The drop from the window has me disoriented. Joel helps me up again. No time to recover with more of them closing in fast.

“We need to run!” Ellie shouts over all the noise.

“Let’s book it to the lodge!” Joel agrees.

Again an uphill battle, a metallic taste in my mouth as my lungs overwork. Just past the door, they bicker. 

Ellie is eager to keep moving, Joel asks her to slow down. When she finally gets a good look at me, she says my name, and it has my mouth dry. 

She’s right though. We don’t have time for a reunion here. 

“We’re camped in a mansion up North. We’ve secured it too.” I say quickly.

“That’s that Baldwin place.” Joel thinks on it. The door is about to give, wood particle scattering the floor. We all flinch and he makes the call. “Go!”

It’s a straight shot. I keep them off us with my gun, holding tight to her until we’re past the gate and rushing to get inside. 

It takes me time to catch my breath. Still keep myself moving despite it, ripping off my coat to chase the warmth of the fireplace. Finally free of wet clothes and wrapping my unzipped sleeping bag around me. 

Ellie and Joel stand there uncomfortably, still on alert. She’s watching me. Auburn hair tied back into a bun. Still fiddling with that old knife. She’s still short.

Haven’t gone a day without thinking of it, a night without reliving it, not since I made that choice in Salt Lake. Now she’s here in front of me, I’m unsure of what to say first. Naturally gravitating to her, like I need proof she’s real and not another dream. 

“Ellie…” My voice struggles to peel from me.

She steps back, turning from bewildered curiosity to angered confliction. “The fuck are you doing here Abby?” Familiar green eyes searing.

I hesitate at her hostility. “I- We came to find you.”

“Did you?” She scoffs at me. “Do they all know? What you did.”

I look around at everyone’s faces, the room frozen. 

So Ellie figured things out. 

Maybe Joel told her, or she pieced it together on her own. Doesn’t matter. Glances cross between my friends, it was hard to get them to trust me again when the truth came out. It’s not been the same between us.

From Ellie, it somehow hurts most, creating a fresh wound of what I had to put away. 

“Why are you here?” Ellie asks again, pressing my silence.

“To make things right.” I say.

My eyes dart to Joel, the rest of my friends stiffen. We knew Ellie might need some time. Joel, on the other hand, massacred a little under a hundred people to save her life.

He gets this intense look and I know he’s caught on to what this is. 

“Ellie, we’re leaving.” He tries to grab her arm, to pull her away into that death sentence of a snowstorm.

She won’t allow it. “Don’t fucking touch me Joel!” Somehow her look is scarier than his.

He backs off and Ellie’s attention scans briefly around the room at each of my friends, then piercing eyes snap back to mine.

The cavernous space of the mansion feels dense, like it’s closing in on me. “Ellie, I’m trying to fix-“

“You come to play hero?” She steps toward me shaking her head.

I back away with equal distance.

She shoves me hard. My back hits a wall and a framed painting swings. “Right when I made my fucking peace!”

Manny moves to step in. I raise a hand for him to back down. 

Can't help the rise she's bringing out from me, it’s like dry underbrush. Stepping toward her and sharply staring down, I tower over her. Point into my own chest. “I saved you!”

Eyes sharpening and glowering. Ellie is all bite; a dog that doesn’t know to stand down from a mountain lion. She reaches around me. Fingers coiling firmly around my braid, pulling me hard enough to send me backwards and against the wall again. The painting falls and the pane cracks.

“You ruined everything!” Ellie shouts, hoarse with rage. 

She won’t let go, the hold on my hair only tightens as she leans closer to me. Makes me audibly wince.

With swift movement and interlocking knees, I bring us both tumbling to the ground and I slam her wrists to the floorboards. Still, she bares her teeth, kneeing me in the stomach. 

Everyone’s shouts. Hands on us to tear us away from each other’s violent grasp. 

Chapter Text

ELLIE

It takes Manny and Nick to hold Abby back.

Joel drags me off as I get one last kick in. My heel meets her ribs hard and I can hear the wind knock out of her. A satisfying, but cheap shot.

Abby slumps to her knees, wrapping her arms around her midsection.

Fucking serves her right.

Her friends are trying to help her stand while she coughs and takes in tight breaths.

Once I tear away from Joel, I stalk out of the room. The snow taunts me, still whirling and thick beyond the glass of the ceiling to floor window. I want to be alone. I want to be far away from here. From her. 

“Ellie!” Joel trails after me but I don’t slow my pace. 

Around the corner to the kitchen, I lean over the polished island surrounded by sleeping bags and gallon jugs of petroleum. 

Heavy footsteps come up close beside me and I’m already prepared to reject his involvement. 

“Have you lost your goddamn mind? Are you hurt-“ He fusses over me and I lean away from him.

“I’m fine.” I cut him off. Need quiet, but I already know he won’t leave it be.

He’s got that low rushed tone he always has when he’s anxious. “Look. You’re not thinkin’ about going with them, are you?” 

Shake my head, try to keep the question out of my mind. “Can we not talk about this?” I uncross my arms and hunch my shoulders. Can’t tell him what I’m thinking. And I won’t give Abby the satisfaction, not yet, she doesn’t deserve to feel righteous in all this.

After some time, Nora interrupts, setting two of those sleeping bags in front of us on the countertop. Looking between us analytically. “We have hot food. Burners and MREs; Owen’s on it. You should eat.”

“So I take it Marlene reorganized her little fan club?” Joel mumbles despite accepting the offering. He’s digging for answers, don’t blame him, but all he’s gonna do is put everyone more on edge.

Nora sneers, shakes her head. “There are no more Fireflies. You made sure of that.” She doesn’t stick around, returns to her group.

That shuts him up quick. Though I can feel him thinking. 

“Joel, relax.” I unroll the thermal sleeping bag by the staircase, close enough to feel the warmth of the fireplace, still keeping distance from them.

“Relax?” he scoffs. “Don’t have a good feeling about all this.”

I roll my eyes. “It’s not like I’m just gonna run off with them.” Not yet at least.

“Well it wouldn’t be the first time you went searching for ‘em.” Joel’s whispers are harsh and scared. Bait to get me talking about my intentions.

So I bite my tongue and leave it, standing to check on the food

“Ellie… Ellie-“ Joel makes to follow after me, but thinks better of it. 

Good.

Owen empties a dry package into a small pot of water, heating it over the portable gas burner nearby. Abby’s sitting by the fireplace talking with Manny, icing her ribs where I got that last hit in. No matter how hard I try to keep my eyes away from her they just wander back. She doesn’t even try to hide her staring. 

I sigh, squatting beside him. Ignore her as much as I my subconscious allows. “What’s on the menu?” 

He glances at me, tries to be welcoming with a forced smile, but I can see his apprehension. “Soup of the day, dehydrated vegetables and chicken flavor.”

“Sounds appetizing.” I offer.

Gets him to laugh lightly. “Never thought I’d miss stadium food.”

“Stadium?” 

Owen nods, “The group we’re with is based in this sports arena. Grow food and livestock, a fish hatchery.”

“Seems like you’re well off.”

“It has its problems. How’s it here in the mountains?”

“Peaceful.” At least up until now.

“Seems dangerous.”

“Mostly just winter. Infected get stuck in the valley, snow keeps us from managing their numbers.”

“Thanks for saving her ass out there. She can be… impulsive.”

At her mention my lip twitches and I go rigid. 

He catches on to it, clears his throat. “Anyway. Soups on.” Taps the spoon on the side of the pot, fills two tins and lifts them up toward me. “It’s hot.” He notes.

“Thanks.” 

The steam helps to thaw my hands when I take them both at the lip, the metal heating a fast red tinge to my fingertips.

Chapter Text

ABBY

“New girl packs a punch.” Manny smiles at me in that annoying way. 

“Sure. I deserved it.” I say indignantly. My thumb presses into the bruises on my side, feeling for fractures.

“We both know you deserve worse.” He laughs, handing me an instant cold pack.

Even though he says it as a joke, I know he means it - Hate that I agree with him. This whole time she’s been stewing. And I’ve been so focused on my own guilt. 

Placing the pack over my ribs, I sigh. “Least we found her. We might have to wait out the worst of the snow to head back safely.” 

We’d left Seattle at the beginning of Winter, roads already icy in Idaho, infected moving in hoards downhill, frozen bodies under the thin snow. Concentrated unlike those in the broken up landscape of Seattle. Now that we’ve confirmed they're here, it’s better to wait than take the risk. 

“Sure. I’d like to get back in one piece.” Manny nods slowly considering it. “Plus you'll need time to get Ellie on the same page.”

“She wanted this as much as we do.”

I watch Ellie as she crosses the room and checks on the food. Spot her catching glances. When I don’t shy away it pisses her off. 

Convincing her won’t be as simple as Manny’s put it. It’s clear she’s changed in ways I don’t know, barely knew her to begin with. A sheer wall without footholds. Clearly I’m the last person she wants to be around. 

Manny shrugs. “Might take more effort on your part.” 

“Whatever.” I huff, shaking my head.

Snow spirals down thick outside as night approaches. 

After we’ve all eaten and settled down I still can’t get comfortable, my neck aches worse than it usually does. Jordan’s snoring so that doesn’t help either.

Jamming a balled up jacket to prop my head and ease my neck, I turn on my side. 

Surprises me when I see her still awake. Ellie leans back sitting up against the wall, sleeping bag unzipped and draped over her. Watching me from the other side of the room. Unsure for how long. Plays with her knife, the metal glinting in the dim firelight, sharp dancing shadows reflect in her hardened stare. Bores into me, feels like she’s reaching in. 

Even when I flip to face the other way I can still feel it. Her eyes. A strange tension. 

The subtle sound of the blade flipping open and snapping closed lulls me. 

My breath deepens, eyelids heavy.

A restless sleep has morning coming too fast. Everyone’s half packed while I’m just dragging myself up. Ellie watches me wearily standing by the door, dark circles under her eyes. 

The storm has settled and the sun steams through the windows while we silently prepare, leaving behind gear we’ll only need on the way back to the humvee. 

Trudging through the pristine snow, Ellie rides behind me, tailing the line on her horse while Joel leads the way on his. 

Can still feel that look on me. 

When I turn my head to peer up at her, sure enough, I see that glare determined to set me on fire. 

Manny said I should try harder. 

I should say something. 

“Think you’ll come back with us?” It doesn’t sound as tasteful out of my mouth as it did in my head.

She scoffs, “Oh fuck off…” Nearly spits the words down at me. 

“I made a mistake. Can’t go back and change it.” I hike up my backpack, my throat becomes tense.  

“Yeah,” She snorts. “Let’s forget it then.”

It makes me bristle with frustration, so I turn to face her fully. “I’m here now!” 

Her horse rears at the abruptness. She tightens the reins, brings her horse to a full stop close to me. 

At my raised tone, everyone else has come to a halt. They look ready to intervene, like we’re about to go at it again. I lose some certainty in my posture when I return my attention to her.

Voice, low and controlled, Ellie fills her words with venom. “You didn’t just fuck up, Abby. You cost. So many lives.”

I’m able to stay silent, stop myself from provoking her further. But I hold her furious stare as long as I can bear it. 

When I can’t take it any more and break contact, Ellie scoffs and flicks the reins, intentionally bumping me as she moves forward along the way. “Keep walking.”

My jaw clenches when I hear Owen snicker. I’m sure everyone has similar things they want to say. 

Countless nights I spent beating myself up over her, the gym the only place I could reshape that turmoil. The library, where I’d try getting lost in other worlds. Keeping my head down, trying to work through it. No matter what I tried she was always an undertone that wouldn’t thin out.

Always wondered if she lost sleep over it like I did. 

Clearly she has. 

But she doesn’t know what I went through either, physically or mentally to get here. That I’d gone into this thinking I’d only find another lead to chase. The lengths I would go.

It’s best to keep these thoughts to myself. Anything I say, she’d twist it. 

That shame I’d worked so hard to bury already seeps through the cracks she’s made. 

We arrive at the gates, there are shouts from above. “Open up, Joel and Ellie are back!” 

The massive wooden logs creak open. Slow to reveal the town it protects. Jackson, low buildings, the smell of oils and smoke. Horses queued up in the stables, streets busy in the early morning.

A woman with dark hair slides off her horse when she sees us. “Oh my god, Ellie.” Her hands worry over Ellie. 

“I’m fine, Dina. Just some infected.” Ellie stares into me still. It isn’t subtle.

The woman named Dina pauses to look at me curiously, but returns to Ellie quickly. “I thought you got lost in that blizzard. Jesse and I were about to lead a search-”

“We handled it.” She says with slight annoyance at the fuss. 

It seems to satisfy her enough, but Dina’s eyes linger on me.

Chapter Text

ELLIE

Maria asks a question every time she speaks, but before any of them are answered Joel leads Tommy off to talk privately. I shake my head after them, widening my arms in disbelief.

Of course Maria isn’t happy about being brushed off. Tommy will hear it later.

After a moment she turns to me. “You wanna tell me who all those soldiers are outside?”

“You should probably hear it from Tommy. I don’t think I-“

She cuts me off with a hand. “People are going to ask me questions, Ellie. Are they Fireflies? Should I be worried about our safety here?”

“They won’t do anything.” I sigh and lean over the table not sure exactly how much I want Maria to know. More so, how much I don’t want her to tell Tommy my thoughts on this.

She can keep a secret, but I know she’ll grill him about it and things might come out one way or another. “They just want me to go with them.”

Her brow raises and her arms uncross, pursing her lips and clicking her tongue. “Look, I won’t ask what you’re planning on doing. That’s your business. I just want to know if Joel’s about to do something stupid.”

Joel’s done a lot of stupid shit. At this moment I can’t reassure her, because I honestly don’t know.

The way he wanted to leave into that blizzard right when he figured out what they were there for. He might have wanted to kill them all then and there; actually I know he did.

I’ve seen that look in his eye a few times. When I’d ask him questions about the hospital and his mind would go somewhere. Every time a lie left his mouth like an accusation.

But I’m not laid on a surgical bed about to die. I can make my choice this time.

My silence brings a curse out of Maria. She paces, biting her knuckle. Her eyes meet mine suddenly decisive. “To Jackson, they’re just wanderers taking shelter. I want to speak with each of them individually first, but no one needs to know any details. Hear me?”

“Yeah...” I push myself off the table and breathe out heavy. “Are we doing this now?”

She leans her head to the side telling me to get a move on, so I walk out quick and find them all where we left them.

Though now a small crowd has formed nearby, cautiously watching and pointing fingers at their military grade weapons and supplies.

Fuck.

I hold Manny’s shoulder. “Boss man wants you all inside. Quickly.” Eyeing the townsfolk one more time before returning back in.

Manny rounds them up and the snow from their boots is soon melting on the wood floor of Maria’s house.

She takes them one by one into her work space. Each leaves without their weapons, as expected. Maria is a negotiator.

Learn from Nora and Mel that they've split them into a few vacant cabins on the East side of town. And as they each leave to settle in, I’m left alone with Abby, waiting for Owen to finish his one on one.

The air is rigid, the clock on the wall ticks persistently and I feel like every small movement I make is too loud. My hands pick at each other habitually, but I try to look calm. Abby is leaned forward on her seat, her hands clasped together, elbows on her thighs. 

“I’m sorry.”

Her voice startles me and my head snaps to face her.

She struggles to keep her eyes on mine, but finds them again. “Should’ve said that earlier. Seeing you again. It brought back a lot of what I tried to forget.”

I keep still, even my hands stop fidgeting.

Abby pulls off her hat and smooths her hair, threading her braid out from her coat. “What Joel did. What I did. It stayed with me in the worst ways.” She nods and ducks her head like she wants to hide from her own words. “I can’t explain it. It feels like everything would have been fine if-“

She stops herself sighing, gritting her teeth, then makes a point to look at me. “If we hadn’t met before the surgery, I wonder if things would’ve turned out okay.”

I know she means to say if I’d died under the knife. It hurts more than it should. The interaction leaves me rattled. It's like I’m looking at her for real now, before she was just all those dead fireflies, that couple that got infected, spray paint on a wall. I’m remembering how it was those few days at the hospital. She was a kid too.

I can’t formulate any words now and even if I could, Maria’s office door swings open and Owen walks out.

“You’re up.” He gestures back, soon catching the weird mood between us.

Abby stands fast before he has time to say anything about it. Don’t know if she looks at me, I keep my eyes on the floor.

Chapter Text

ABBY

It’s clear this woman is in charge of Jackson. Not just in the way she holds herself, but the way her eyes tear into me.

Analytical and apprehensive. Feels a lot like Marlene. A bit like Issac. Like she knows your thoughts before you do.

“So I take it you’re Abby then.” She examines me.

“Yeah.” I pause unsure of what else to add. My friends have answered her questions.

“Maria.” Her hand reaches out and I take it. “You’re a Firefly.”

“Former…”

She nods, gesturing to the chair in front of her desk. “Heard you’re from a group in Washington. The WLF. I know of them. You share their sentiments?”

I’d joined them young. I wanted to believe in something again. Desperately. It wasn’t that hard to see they were just another militant group of assholes.

After everything I’d witnessed the Fireflies do for a slim chance, for “freedom.” Not to mention the ways we talked about and killed Scars; I’d been able to come to a simple truth - no one fighting in a war wants it unless they’re lied to.

I sit across from her and scoot in, folding my hands together. “I’ve killed for them. I won’t hide that.”

She nods slowly. “I won’t lose lives here. Any type of aggression from your people won’t end well for you. Hope we understand each other.”

It’s said passively, but it translates clear. Jackson outnumbers us.

“…’Course.” I clear my throat and shift in my seat. “Not here on orders, I requested to come here.” Issac was reluctant to do it. Sending out five soldiers and two medics for something that wasn’t related to his conquest. The chance of a cure was an advantage he’d want, a slim one though he didn’t need to know the actual numbers on it.

This was my restitution. Not a kidnapping.

“So everything in Salt Lake, I heard it wasn’t pretty, you don’t have any hard feelings on that?” She says it like she’s caught me in a lie. I know my friends have some choice words for Joel. 

I speak slowly, cautious in my tone. “No… Actually I helped Joel. Led him to Ellie. Held a gun on Marlene so they could escape.” 

The shock is evident on her face, but it soon turns into a keen understanding. “I see.” She reconsiders me now, it feels like she’s picking me apart. “You and Ellie. You’re close.”

“We were. A little bit.” I tangle with my thoughts when it comes to her. I never could fully wrap my head around why I made my choice.

“You don’t seem like bad people.” She readjusts into a more relaxed position. “I’m willing to let you stay here for the time being. I get that you want Ellie to leave with you.”

My heart jumps and I lean forward a bit too eagerly. “Is that not an option?”

She laughs mirthlessly. “I don’t know. You’ll have to ask her. But I’ll make sure it’s clear to everyone that it’s ultimately her choice.” 

She watches me through my silence. A look that feels like it’s peeling away at me. “I can arrange some time for you and her to sort things out if that’s what you need, sure. Whatever she chooses though, if she decides to stay here, you’re going to respect that.” 

Up until how Ellie looked at me yesterday, I hadn’t considered the possibility of having to convince her. I know she’d chosen to go through with it back then. Yesterday at the mansion, she’d said something about “making peace with it.” Could really use that time Maria is offering.

“Understood.”

Soon there’s a knock on the door. Joel reappears with the man he’d gone off with. Maria’s face tenses and I take that as my cue to leave. I try not to look at Joel as I walk by, but I know both of them glower at me. Can feel their eyes.

-

The cabins aren’t as maintained as the rest of the town, but it’s not like they had the time to prepare a home stay for unexpected visitors.

Snow is built up on the rooftops dripping with heavy icicles and the glass of the windows are yellowed, coated in a layer of dirt and dust. I enter the closest one to find Manny and Nora setting up and unpacking. They’re mid conversation and I pick up the end of it.

“That lady is scary.” Manny smooths his sleeping bag on the bare mattress. “I can’t say I didn’t enjoy it a bit, her interrogating.”

Nora grimaces, looking at him with a mix of disbelief and concern. “She’s like three decades older than us. And married.”

“The older the wine, the sweeter the taste. Even better, made with forbidden fruit.”

“Ugh, Manny.” Nora and I say in unison. 

They both turn their attention to me, just now noticing my presence. 

Nora approaches. “Abby, you staying with us? Jordan and Leah are shacked up already in the cabin across the way.” She makes a face of disgust. “Keep out of hearing distance, fair warning.”

“Considering the other option is bunking with Mel and Owen…” I drop my duffel by a free bunk and start unpacking. “And Noted.”

At the hospital, Owen had started getting jealous of how I’d been spending my time. Making baseless accusations on my feelings.

Although a short relationship, it had run its course. Mel ended up being there, and he moved on quickly.

Not much else to say about it…

The rest of the evening I try reading the book I’d brought with me, City of Thieves. I’d read it cover to cover already more times than I could count, it was just one of those stories.

Tonight my mind can’t slow down, I keep thinking about her. The letters become hard to focus on and I’m just putting off sleep, so I snap the pages shut and close my eyes.

Wonder what I’ll say to her next. I’d left things at an uncomfortable spot. 

Racking my mind for ways I can approach her leaves me with nothing and I just go in circles. All I can think about is the day we met. How annoying she was, how nervous she looked after being in the labs.

Undeniably I was drawn to her, it was like we’d been friends longer than we had. How easy it was to talk to her. And now it’s just hard.

I have to force my eyes open because I see that look she had when she saw me for the first time in four years. It makes me want to cry.

I’m grinding my teeth now and I roll my lips in to stop it.

The nights are too long in winter.

Chapter Text

ELLIE

The patrol roster mocks me and I wonder what the fuck Jesse’s thinking. 

It’s been two days since the Salt Lake Crew appeared in the hills of Jackson, I’d been skirting around them. Giving them small glances and turning the other way when it looks like our paths will cross. 

And yet here their names were written on our town’s list. 

I storm out the stables, Shimmer snorts after me and stomps, but I’ll have time to apologize later for brushing her off.

Jesse and Dina are talking by the stables exit, both turning to me surprised - I’m here early. Or on time rather. 

“Well, looks like miracles do happen. Look who’s decided to grace us with-“

“What the fuck Jesse?” I’m in his face and he leans back, his smug little smirk drops. “Why the fuck am I paired with her?” 

Jesse looks away and sighs, his breath visible in the frigid air. Dina looks between us eyebrows raised.

“Look, I know it’s unconventional, but-“

“Unconventional…” That’s a word for it.

“BUT. It’s not my decision.” He pushes his hair back and settles himself. “If you got a problem with assignments, you’ll have to take it up with Maria.”

“Maria-“ I blink fast, my hands lift and fall in disbelief. “Why is she getting involved in assignments?”

He tenses his mouth. “I don’t know. Look, it’s direct orders, so you can hound me all you want, but I can’t do any-“

“Whatever.” I storm away, set for Maria’s.

“Hey!” Jesse calls after me and I keep walking. “Call time is in two minutes!”

His voice fades and I’m at Maria’s door, pushing through without knocking and quickly rushing to her office. She’s in the middle of a conversation and only when I see Mel do I stop in my tracks.

Maria eyes me knowingly, her hands unfold and she stands slowly. She places a hand on Mel’s shoulder ushering her out. “Let’s continue this conversation in the afternoon, have to deal with this.”

Deal with me. We’ll see. 

“Ellie, I have appointments in the mornings. If you want one, you can request it at the book.”

I know this, and Maria knows I know this. She also knows what I’m here for.

“You wanna tell me why Abby Anderson is assigned on patrol with me?”

“Ellie,” She breathes in and places her palms against the desk. “I’ve made arrangements with them, for the time they’re here they’ve promised to pull their weight. That includes medical and patrol. Takes a load off our people and lets us deal with maintenance. Winter hasn’t been easy this year.”

Of course she’s making this about Jackson and “our people.” She’s completely dodged my actual question so I reiterate.

“No. Why specifically did you pair me with Abby?” I say it slowly, so the frustration doesn’t break through all the way, but Maria knows me. She knows everybody. 

“I understand things may have left off… troublesome between you two,” 

Something like that, sure…

“But I think it could be good for you. To get some closure.”

“Maria, I don't need it. I’ve already come to terms with how things are. Can’t you just pair her with Jesse or something?”

She gets that look like she’s about to impart some long and annoying lecture of wisdom, but then she just sighs.

“Alright.”

What.

“If you feel good about how things are, I won’t push you. Tell Jesse I said it’s fine to swap with you.”

I stare at the floor, off put by her compliance. Wavering and shifting my weight, I pause, but she doesn’t have anything else to add.

“…Okay. Thanks.” I say.

She nods, I nod back trying to reassure myself. I don’t linger much longer, but my walk back to the stables isn’t as urgent.

-

The stable hand passes me Shimmer’s reins and I feed her some oats out of my palm. She nips me in irritation at being ignored. “Hey, hey. I know. Sorry girl.” 

Once her pride is soothed I pull myself up onto the saddle and give her neck a firm pat. “Alright, let’s get this over with.” She scrapes her hooves, getting out that last bit of frustration before walking out to the gate. 

I’ve missed call time, when I pull up Jesse makes sure I know it. “Ellie! It’s good to finally see you back! Call time was 12 minutes ago. Assuming everything’s been resolved?”

I could make a fuss in front of everybody, make sure it’s known she doesn’t deserve my time. When I look at her she’s standing there with her stupid fucking braid and her stupid fucking face. She flits her stare away from me to her crossbow, adjusting the sights. Keeping herself busy, pulling her hat down to cover her ears.

“Sure. All resolved.”

“Good.” He rears back from me ready for his pre-shift speech. “All right. You all know the drill. Run your routes. Mark your logbooks. Clear any infected you see. You run into anything you can’t handle, you come back. Be smart about it.” 

Shimmer rustles, knowing the cue to rush out is soon. Before he finishes, I feel my saddle shift and Abby is lifting herself up to sit behind me. I don’t even process it before Jesse says the word. “All right, get goin’.

”H-hey! Wh-“ And even though I keep a tight hold on the reigns, Shimmer is off and Abby’s hands are clinging firm to my waist.

Chapter Text

ABBY

Under her breaths, I can hear her ranting, mouthing words to herself. I catch Maria’s name, Jesse’s. The rest of it is muffled by the soft wind.

Since we slowed to a comfortable canter, I’ve made space between us and my hands rest on my thighs.

The horse’s hooves splash through the creek water and crunch through snow. Cold air seeps through my jacket, but I can’t do much to keep warm. Can’t believe Ellie is dumb enough to wear sneakers in this weather.

We haven’t said a word to each other this whole time and it feels like I’m wasting the opportunity. Feels weird to bring it up suddenly and I let the silence draw out.

Wandering through vacant neighborhoods we reach the outlook. Ellie’s tethering her horse to some rusty pipes and removing her gloves. I just stand off to the side and lean back against the cold brick until she’s ready to continue. My eyes don’t leave her, but she’s making a point not to look at me. Typical.

We walk through the run down building, through a crawl space hidden behind a panel of scrap.

My words tumble out awkwardly. “About before. What I said at Maria’s… I meant it.”

“We don’t have to talk about it.” Ellie says it quick, doesn’t let me get far before making sure I know I’ve wronged her and I’m unwanted.

I stretch my jaw to keep myself from saying anything else.

Passing through a broken stairwell, a cable leads up to the next floor and Ellie starts climbing it.

Once she’s at the top I give it a tug and place my heel on the wall, but as soon as I give it my full weight, a loud snap echoes out and I fall flat on my back. I gasp and cough, turning over on my hands and knees.

God that hurt.

“You good?” She says it like she doesn’t actually care. 

I stand, wavering. “Just give me a minute.” I manage to rasp out.

There’s a thud and a grunt beside me, Ellie’s jumped back down. She watches me, waiting for me to work through it.

Once I’m breathing again, she doesn’t wait any longer - clasps her hands together, palms up and steadies herself against the wall. “I’ll boost you.” 

It feels wrong to be close to her, I force myself to place my boot on her hands. Clutch onto her shoulder as I leap toward the ledge above. 

She grunts. “The fuck do they feed you in Seattle?” Ellie’s chuckle startles me, like when we’d first met.

“Foil wrapped burritos.” I say it and we both snicker.

She takes a step back before jumping. Gripping my hand around her forearm, I easily pull her up, taking a moment to help steady her.

When the shared moment dies down, she shifts her weight quickly leaning away from me like I’m hot iron.

While Ellie’s signing the logbook, I take off my beanie and wander around the place. The floorboards creak as I step into the room nearby, a glass bong perched on a table by the window sill. Haven’t seen one of these in a while. I lift it into the light, some sticky ash stains the bowl and it’s not overly dusty. Perhaps recently used.

“That was Eugene’s.” Her voice surprises me, Ellie’s leaning against the door frame behind me, analyzing me. “He always had something on him, miss that guy.”

Setting down the glass, I stiffen like I’m trying not to frighten a deer. It feels like there’s a heavy pressure on the next words I say.

“Who’s Eugene?” It seems like the safest thing to offer. 

“He was into electronics and shit. Funny guy. Used to be a Firefly, like Tommy…” Ellie’s face falls as she tilts away from the doorway, arms folded. “Like you.”

My brow furrows and lip twitches. She’s pointing her frustration at me. An attempt to draw me out so she can just put me back in place.

Then she gives me this look that makes me seethe inside. She might as well laugh in my face. It’s out of my mouth before I can stop it. “You’re damn difficult.”

Ellie stands up straight now, sizing me up. “It’s like you said, if I’d died things might’ve been easier for you.”

The words drop in my stomach. Back then, I made my choice. Maybe things would’ve been okay if I’d never learned her name, never learned her face. If she’d just been the immune girl and not Ellie. “That’s not what I said.”

She gets closer to me, arms uncrossing. “You fucking might as well have.”

I sigh and drop my shoulders. “That’s not fair.”

“You come here to make yourself feel better? Like those four years of living didn’t happen for me?” Ellie takes another step so she’s right in my face. “Well I’m still fucking alive, Abby!”

My jaw clenches and I go rigid, I hate that she has a point. She’s living breathing proof of my mistake and for so long it felt far away. Even though I sought her out and came to Jackson to find her, I’m blaming her.

I feel small right now and I can’t stand it. Anger coils up in me and a short scoff is all I can do to push it down.

“Yeah, it is funny.” Ellie’s eyes widen and something flares in them. “Even your friends fucking hate you.”

The next second, my hands are on her. I grip her by the jacket and pull her up so she can’t get enough traction on the floor. Her hands claw at my arms.

My voice trembles. “I came back for you, isn’t that enough?!” 

I toss Ellie backwards and she staggers against a metal barrel full of wood scrap.

Ever since our fight at the mansion I’ve been needing to let off some steam. Can’t sleep, can’t think. Now there isn’t anyone to intervene. I can see it in her glare. I can feel it in my clenched fists.

A look of incredulity aimed at me.

“Nothing you ever do will be enough, Abby. Get that? Every day people get infected, people die. Their lives are on you!” 

Ellie swings at me first, but it’s telegraphed to hell and I don’t let it land.

I kick her in the shin swiftly and she stumbles against the coffee table.

Before I can get another kick in she wraps her arms around my knees and I topple back, catching myself on the cushion of the couch.

She climbs over me, but I can’t throw her off with my hips. I feel her fingers around my neck, her thumbs pressing my throat. I pull at her hands, she won’t let go.

My knuckles meet her jaw. Hard enough she falls partially off me. Finally I can breathe again, gasping the cold air hurts.

I rasp in between. “What the fuck Ellie, you-“

Before I can even reorient myself, she’s back on me and we’re tangled, grunts mixing. I don’t let her hands near my neck again, securing her wrists tight.

Then she headbutts me and my vision goes cloudy. 

The loud ringing fades and when I can see right again Ellie’s groaning and holding her head too. I take the opportunity. I’m on top of her now and send three consecutive jabs into her side.

Her nails dig into my face, I can feel the scratch that draws blood on my left cheek and I cry sharply.

Shifting my knees to hold her arms down, Ellie squirms trying to find a way to get me off of her.

We’re looking at each other. Still, but chests heaving. The loose hairs of her bun stick to her forehead.

I see her hurt.

She spits in my face. 

I cover her mouth with my hand, it follows with a raw pain that makes me wail. Blood drips from my palm as I push myself off of her. She fucking bit me. “What is wrong with you?!” I snarl, wiping the red on my coat.

She’s already charging at me, mouth bloody. trying to grapple me.

I manage to absorb it and lift her. 

“Let me go, ‘fucker!” She tries kicking my knees, but the angle doesn’t give her enough leverage. 

She just almost keeps wriggling away. So I bring her down to the floor and wrestle her into a hold.

The outcome has me tangled with her exhausted. My chest flush against her back, cheek pressed against her clammy neck, right where her pulse is racing.

The sound of our labored breaths intermingling until I push myself up to right myself on my knees.

It’s Ellie, she doesn’t know when to quit. She grips my clothes, tries to get in one more bout.

I don’t let her, as soon as her hands are on me I press her head back down against the floor hard.

Rubber soles squeak with her sounds of struggle as she tries to squirm out from my hold one more time. I don’t let her move. 

“Okay, okay! Fuck!”

It’s her way of tapping out.

I give her one more resolute shove to make sure she knows her place. Knows not to try me again.

All my senses feel pricked. I can’t stop my eyes, how they dart frantically from her reddened cheeks, her chapped lips. Any anger I held warping into a new intensity I’m not prepared to face.

All I can do to subside it is remove myself and return to my feet. 

Ellie stays down this time. Her forearm wipes at her mouth then rests on the bruise forming at her temple.

Neither of us are saying anything. Im at the furthest part of the room, a trickle down my jaw, blood from my cheek.

Reminded of the bite, I examine the red crescent along my palm, luckily shallow.

Ellie rolls clutching her side as she wobbles to her feet.

I extend a peace offering. Her hand clasps around mine and I help her stand steady. She accepts it for now at least.

Chapter Text

ELLIE

Abby winces as I thread the needle and finish the final stitch on her cheek. I’ve managed to scratch a clean line that’ll probably scar. 

Now the bite on her hand was another thing altogether.

Maybe I got carried away.

After dashing it with whiskey, I hide it beneath cloth bandaging. We’re both too tired and beaten to finish the patrol route. I’ll have to explain myself to Maria. 

For now, I sit on the sofa, leaning over Eugene’s old bong, lighting up flower from the jar I found in the bathroom earlier. I flick the match out after taking a long pull, the base filling with smoke. 

“That stuff stinks.” Abby complains from the other side of the chair. She leers at the glass.

It makes me laugh clouds. “Right, I forgot you’re the fucking candy police.”

She rolls her eyes. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

I ignore her and finish off the leftover smoke, making sure to blow it in her direction. Abby’s nose wrinkles as she swats at the air. She lifts the bottle of whiskey taking a swig.

My smile cracks at the corners again. “You hit fucking hard.” I rub the aching spot on my swollen jaw. 

”I don’t want to hear it. You throttled me.” She snaps back presenting me with her injured hand. “And how am I supposed to explain this bite to my friends?” 

“We say we got roughed by infected. You’re immune too, so you can go through with the surgery yourself.”

Abby doesn’t find it funny - she gets all serious. “Sorry I’m trying to do something right for once.” 

“And it took you four years to do it?”

Out of the corner of my eye, she goes rigid. Abby turns the bottle of golden liquid in her hands. “It took me a long time to forgive my dad.”

Glancing at her, I think of our days at Salt Lake, the night Abby took me to the waterside. Her eyes glistened with tears back then. She wouldn’t tell me what was wrong, she’s told me just now I think. 

“What happened? That last day.” I still and watch her carefully.

Troubled thoughts cross her mind. She's somewhere far away. “Marlene locked me in my room. I wanted to talk to you before you went under, guess she didn’t want me to change your mind.” Abby sighs hard. “It made the whole fight with my dad worse, had to be something he said to her, I don’t know. When we left the hospital I didn’t talk to him for a year.”

I’d gone in knowing it would kill me. That’s why Marlene threw away the key, it was what I wanted.

The way Abby says it makes it seem like she thought she could talk sense into me. But that was supposed to be my ending.

I want to ask why she needed to keep me alive so badly, but I don’t. Instead I fry the rest of the weed into ash and repack a new bowl, scooting closer to set the bong in front of her. 

Abby looks at it apprehensively, but she shifts herself to the edge of the couch to huddle over the table.

“Cover the whole opening and take a deep breath in.” 

“Uh yeah, I know how to use a bong.”

I light a new match and watch the small embers burn through the bud.

The water bubbles, she doesn’t last long before coughing interrupts it. Abby takes rapid breaths trying to clear her lungs. “Shit.” The fit runs its course in sputtering gasps.

It’s hard not to laugh at her strain reddened face and it’s apparent in my tone. “You still have some smoke left.”

“I am not-” She swallows, waving her hand, coughing one last time.

So I put the piece back in my lap to take the rest of it for her.

Abby watches me differently now, no longer so fascinated by the bottle of alcohol. 

“You know a cure is worth more lives than mine.” I say it as a fact. It’s really a question though.

A hesitation crosses her. “I know.” Abby smooths her hand over the bruises on her neck. Returns to that faraway place she’d gone moments ago.

“When I was really little, we were surviving for a while in the upper floors of Saint Mary’s. Dad used to work there before the outbreak.”

This sudden thread she’s pulled from her past, I know memories like this, the slight tremor in her tone, how her voice catches at the end of her sentences.

“Dad went out scavenging. We hadn’t eaten for days, all the shelf stable hospital food finally ran out. I wasn’t doing good, starting to atrophy. It got to a point we didn’t think he’d be back. Mom tried to find food in one of the wings we’d blocked off.” Abby pushes out her jaw pursing her lips. 

“She came back with nothing but blood stained clothes. Closed herself in a room, told us not to go inside. It’s like my whole world starts there, nothing before that.” She closes her eyes, tries to hide how she wipes at her face. “When I remember her, I’m opening that door, she’s trying to kill me. My brother, he saves me from her…”

She’s quiet for a stark moment, then she takes another slow drink. Rushes to end her story before it becomes too much.

“Shawn, he got bit, he was twelve at the time. Killed himself in front of me.”

I see Riley, face speckled in sprouts of fungus. Tess staying behind at the capitol. Sam flinging himself at me, the sound of his teeth trying to find my skin. Henry holding the gun to his own head.

“Dad came back with Marlene, a few recruits she called Fireflies. Had to tell my dad what happened, why a four year old was alive in a bloody room with two bodies.” Abby returns back to the present, her eyes find mine like she forgot I was here. “After that he threw himself into finding a cure.”

She looks different now. No longer a memory. We’re in this room together and the walls feel confining, crowded with the words we’ve spoken. Maybe it’s the weed.

“We should head back soon.” I say.

Chapter Text

ABBY

The ride back to Jackson starts quiet. Though I do hold her waist this time. 

The whiskey had done more damage than I thought and I can’t help but waver. 

Past the neighborhoods we reach a patch of woods. Ellie’s horse burrs and bristles at sounds we can’t hear, something we don’t smell. 

“What is it girl?” Ellie calms her, hands tightening on the reins.

I ready my crossbow pulling a bolt to the notch. I can hear it just barely. Infected breathing. 

Winter has the sun low. Ellie cocks her pistol and dismounts the horse, searching the trees as much as approaching dusk allows. 

Snow muffles the air, but I can hear it skittering, turning with the sound slowly. My finger itches for the trigger.

A shadow darts past my line of sight and I leap off the saddle in front of Ellie to aim, her sights following. It dashes between the trees, I strain to see past the dry brush.

Until it reveals itself, scrambling on all fours towards us.

A bolt releases a bit slow on reflex, but it lies in a heap a few feet away from its hiding spot. Around its pierced skull a bloom of red seeps into the white crystals.

Ellie shouts. “Get off me motherfucker!”

Another one of them gets the jump on her. It sinks her into the snow covered floor.

Her elbow keeps its gnashing teeth from her shoulder, barely compensating for its erratic lunging. She’s digging through the snow for her gun.

There isn’t a clear shot when I train my crossbow, so I toss it aside.

In a sobering moment I throw myself on the stalker, tearing it away from Ellie.

I’m on the ground now with it in a chokehold. It’s moldy clothes smell like death, its fingers scratching at my arms. Lifting my elbow with a well practiced movement ends its horrid cries with a crack.

I toss it aside and find Ellie barely up, her recovered gun lowering from its limp body. 

“That scared the shit out of me.” She rasps, holding her palm to her chest. Ellie’s gun holsters and her eyes dart to me.

“Thanks.”

I hop back on the saddle and extend my arm. She accepts and I pull her up to sit in front of me.

“Let’s get back before it really gets dark.” I say.

Ellie laughs. “No shit.” 

-

When we roll back through the gates for reports, it’s long past check in. Jesse is speechless at the state of us. Ellie leads her horse through, I walk beside her. Both of us scratched, covered in grime, clothes torn. 

A woman with dark hair slides off her horse when she sees us. “Oh my god Ellie are you okay?” Her hands worry over Ellie’s face, the marks I put there. 

“I’m fine.” Ellie backs away, but she won’t leave. The woman named Dina looks at me skeptically, but Ellie calls her attention away from me. “Just ran into some infected on the way back, no big deal.”

It seems to satisfy her enough, but her eyes linger on me. She rounds up Ellie leading her away. “Let’s patch you up, yeah?”

Jesse comes to collect her horse.

I stand there alone until I spot Nora, on shift as a medic for returning patrols. She crosses through the bustling of the stables to see me. Looks me up and down. “What the hell happened to you? Is that alcohol?” She can smell the whiskey on me, I’ve got to come clean now.

“It’s a long story.” I watch Jesse, careful to make sure he’s not within earshot, but I shouldn’t talk about it here anyways; not in front of so many people. “We’ll talk back at the cabins.” I scan the room. 

Nora nods, and I thread through, start to make my way back so I can rest.

When night comes, Maria shows up with a replacement coat from her husband's collection.

It’s made of a heavy gray leather. The stalker had torn mine beyond minor repair, this one keeps me warmer than the old one ever did anyway. 

“Heard you got ambushed by some infected.” She says. “We have first aid if you need.

“I’m fine.” Quickly shake my head. “Nora’s taking care of it.”

Maria nods. Glances over my stitches and bandages. “Patrol again tomorrow, noon, make up for lost time?”

“Sure…” I say it slowly, unable to figure what Ellie’s told her.

When they’re back, I don’t hide what happened from Nora and Manny now that it’s just us three.

They both look at me like I’m crazy.

I might be.

“You should be happy she’s even talking to you.” Nora remarks.

Manny laughs, “Give her a break. They just need time alone together, lovers quarrel.”

Nora matches my grimace. “Do you have to say everything you’re thinking?” 

He just shrugs and pats me on the shoulder. “Not everyone can be so pent up, that’s what we have Abby for.”

I swat him away. “Screw off.”

“Am I wrong Abs? If you just talked to her properly maybe-“

“I already tried that.”

”You could try harder.” 

“She just doesn’t understand, just keeps coming at me.”

“You’re blessed to have someone like me that can even understand you.”

“Then why does it feel like a curse.” I don’t need him rationalizing my actions. My feelings.

I’d rather not think about what it all means. Another sleepless night finds me, combing over my words, trying to find something I said or did wrong.

Can’t believe I let Manny get to me.

-

In the morning, a breakfast of eggs, bacon, and flapjacks is served at the diner. Real food, nothing like the flavorless ground beef we get at the stadium.

Manny and Nora are arguing over a crossword.

The bruises on me have set in dark along my throat. Owen won’t stop staring at them.

Everything’s ticking me off, how none of them can mind their own business. First Manny, now him.

“What?” I say with a mouthful. 

It gets him to avert his eyes.

Mel is uncomfortable, she doesn’t know what to make of him giving me attention like this.

That’s not my problem. They can figure out their shit. 

“I’ll see you guys at dinner.” My temper rushes me. I scrape my plate clean and toss it in the bus bin.

Before I’m out, Owen is standing between me and the door. I roll my eyes before he can open his mouth, but he does it anyway.

“What actually happened last night? I know a couple infected didn’t do this to you.”

“Well that’s what happened.” He got the same story as the rest of Jackson. I keep it between Manny and Nora, don’t need them all talking about it. “Can I go?”

Owen stops me when I try to push past him. “Did she do this to you?”

“What?” 

“This wouldn’t be the first time. Back when we first found her-“

I hiss at him through clenched teeth. “Owen. Shut up.” My eyes dart around the room, I can’t have him making a scene about this.

“Abby. Mel’s pregnant.” 

For fucks sake. “Okay? Congrats. What does that have to do with me?” 

He sighs. “I just need to know if things seem like they’re going our way with her.”

“I don’t know Owen. Just lay off.” I walk around him, curse under my breath once I’m in the streets.

Of course that dumbass got her pregnant.

Now he’s scared of getting tied down.

Couldn’t care less if they stay here or not. And it’s not like I can just ask Ellie upfront again. She just started tolerating me.

A soft sprinkle of snowflakes falls all around, and I just need to be alone. The cabins are a long walk and I don’t want to be back in the diner.

I see her across the road. She’s talking with Dina again. They’re laughing. Probably something funny Ellie said. A gnawing feeling at the back of my mind rises up I attribute to Owen’s bullshit. 

Just lower my head and make for the cabins, but then she’s calling my name.

“Abby!” I hear the snow press with her steps and she’s trotting over to me. Wearing this colorful windbreaker, yellow, red, and navy, over a black sweatshirt. It looks good on her.

“Hey. Abby.” She says a little out of breath. 

“What’s up?”

She looks down at her hands. “Me, Dina, and a group are all going sledding in an hour or so. You should come.”

She’s talking to me. She wants me to spend time with her. 

And the idea of sledding is funny to me. I haven’t done that since I lived in Utah. Not since I was a kid.

My smile comes so naturally for her. “Sure, sounds fun.”

“Sick. We should kill some time, grab my sled.” She smacks the center of my chest with the back of her hand. Makes me anxious.

I’m thinking of all the ways I can fuck it up. The things I might say that would set her off.

This new calm between us is fragile. Found desperately in the release of violence. The prick of the needle in my skin. The snap of her assailants neck. 

And as we walk through Jackson, there’s plenty of still curious eyes on me. Though I do look like one of them now, in worn denim jeans and a handmade jacket. My ears are numb from the cold so I tug on my beanie.

If it weren't for my dad still in Seattle I might want to stay here. People barter in the market over freshly butchered meats and hand spun yarn. It’s so different from FEDRA and the Fireflies. The WLF. Smaller, but thriving in ways they never could.

“This town is pretty amazing.” I say.

She nods in agreement. “Never asked, what’s Seattle like?” She looks to me, it feels searing in a different way. A way I recede from instead of meet with anger.

“The group I’m with is bigger. Live in this huge event stadium.” Have to clear my throat, to level my voice. “They’re trying to kill off another group that lives in the city. Pushed them out so they’re all on this Island now. Territorial. Lot like FEDRA.”

“Oh.” She squints, making a face of distaste.

“They’re definitely not the Fireflies. Marlene butts heads with the leader a lot.”

“How’s Marlene?”

“She’s fine…”

After I let Ellie and Joel get away, Marlene had been harder on me. Can’t blame her for that, I held my gun on her. She lost everything. Struggled a lot with not being in control, wanting to do things her way. A natural leader. Not willing to be a pawn, but oversee them.

“They have her organizing. Making sure people are where they’re supposed to be, that kind of stuff.”

“Sounds like Marlene.”

-

We’re at a shed in the backyard of a nice house now. Guess she lives here. I don’t get the appeal until we walk inside and I see the space that’s hers. Snow slaws off my shoulders as I wander in, pulling off my hat.

String lights adorn a tapestry, sketchbooks litter her desk. Shelves lined with figurines and walls covered in posters. An easel and paints. A stringed instrument rests on a stand in the corner of the room.

“You play?” I ask.

“Joel taught me some stuff. I can show you if you want.” Rolling her desk chair by the couch she eagerly picks up the guitar by the neck.

I move through her space cautiously. This new Ellie that wants to be around me. No. This is the Ellie in Salt Lake that laughed with me over cards and comforted me by the lakeside. Don’t want to frighten her off, so I sit carefully across from her.

“I’ve been playing this new one lately.” The body of the guitar rests on her lap. "Still learning it though..."

“Let’s hear it.” I lean back into the couch and fold my arms expectantly.

Ellie begins to pick the strings. It’s a simple melody, she's not half bad. The more her fingers shift, the more it has that effect on me. That pull. How she plays with the squeak of brass on skin. A tattoo I hadn’t noticed before peeks from her sleeve, dancing over the tendons of her hand.

I find myself leaning closer, encapsulated by her.

And then she takes a breath. My eyes flit to her face when her voice comes in; warm and raspy.

“I feel so extraordinary

Something’s got a hold on me

I got this feeling I’m in motion

A sudden sense of liberty

I don’t care cause I’m not there

And I don’t care if I’m here tomorrow

Again and again I’ve taken too much

Of the things that cost you too much

I used to think that the day would never come

I’d see the light in the shade of the morning sun

My morning sun is the drug that brings me near

To the childhood I lost, replaced by fear

I used to think that the day would never come 

That my life would depend on the morning sun

…That the day would never come.”

When it ends I’m still in the place she sent me, enthralled. Feels like I’m getting a new piece of her, that doesn’t make her unfamiliar, just makes me want more of her.

Her voice, now uncertain, wakes me from the spell. “So… That’s all so far.” Ellie lifts the guitar up and sets it gently against her desk.

I can’t stop smiling and I can’t take my eyes off of her. “That was pretty great.” Lift my eyebrows.

She looks away and laughs awkwardly, dimples deepening. “Thanks.” 

There’s something precarious and unspoken, it’s unsettling. The nature of it is indiscernible and the longer I look the more daunting it becomes.

My whole body flinches when Ellie drops herself on the couch next to me.

“Anyways.” She picks up a thin book, wobbling it in her hand. “Remember this?”

I vaguely recognize the art on the cover. It’s one of those comic books like she had at the hospital.

“Right, your nerd book.” 

She smacks me with the flimsy material. “Shut up.” 

I eye her tattoo, right before me now, the dark green end of foliage. Engrossed by the way she slides her thumb to flip the glossy page. Feels like I'm sinking into dense waters, how she rests her elbow on my thigh. I find myself leaning over her shoulder.

Ellie’s summarizing the story to me, turning to key pages. I listen quietly, can’t say how much of her words I actually retain. Because as she speaks, a calming drone rolls through me. We remain like this, the heat of our bodies exchanging in a way that isn’t from forceful grappling or hands around a neck. I focus on her voice, calm without accusation. The rise and fall of her soft breath. 

“Volume 13 ends like this, but there’s one more of ‘em. I still don’t have it…” She trails off when she looks up at me. Her hand lingers, pointing on the page. 

We’re closer than we’ve been without violence. She's nearly resting against my shoulder, so I hold my breath as if she's not already aware of my presence. My heartbeat is in my throat. The air between us liquid. Searching eyes settle on me and it feels as if my thoughts are not safe, so I may as well speak them.

“You’re not like anyone I’ve met.” It’s spoken as a breath, can’t give it more substance. 

I try to have the sense to not be outwardly offended when Ellie laughs at me wistfully. “What, cause I’m immune?” 

My teeth scrape my bottom lip, peeling and torn from the dry cold. The only thought that runs through my mind is how lost I’ve been for so long, trying to find purpose in the Fireflies, in the WLF. An ember fighting suffocation - then there Ellie was like a blinding light. She’s frazzled me. I find myself still adjusting my eyes to the world now that I can see it again.

Our lips coming together. A timid brush.

It doesn’t dawn on me what I've done until we’re apart and I see her bewildered look and it burns me. Shaking my head, I have to turn away from how vulnerable green eyes silently question me. I lift my leg out from under her arm fast and get to my feet.

Even if I had something to say, I wouldn’t be able to speak it. My body wants to shrink into itself. I’m panicking, my chest heaves and breath picks up.

What was that?

"Abby-"

"Don't!” I interject harshly.

Ellie holds the edge of the couch tight. She doesn’t look at me anymore, doesn’t move. 

Throwing the door open, I storm out of the shed. I’m rushing my way back to the cabins. My neck burning up. It all comes into place and she flashes through my mind. The smell of her sweat mixed with the taste of whiskey. How smoke swirls from her parting lips. The sound of her voice, gentle against the strings of her guitar. 

The sound of striking phosphorus.

Chapter Text

ELLIE

Fuck. Can’t believe I fucking kissed her.

Can’t stop pacing the room, fidgeting with my hands. There’s a buzz in the air that won’t die down.

It’s almost time for me to head out, meet up with Dina. I’ve got to settle myself down.

I flip open my journal. 

It eases me, sketching stray hairs that fall over her forehead. The curve of her jaw.

Her lips.

“Fuck…” Jaw set and tense, I scribble out the drawing. Squeeze my eyes shut and throw my face into my hands, I drag them down as if I could wipe away the shame.

It’s just dawning on me. Those fights we had, that’s not normal. 

I picture her face when I first saw her here. I’d lashed out at her. Her hurt when it wasn’t the reunion she’d envisioned. Her shock. Betrayal.

But she betrayed me too, and her hurt wasn’t penance enough. She needed to feel it the way I wanted her to. Never thought I’d see her again, I’d allowed myself to grieve the short friendship, not to be revisited.

That now dull longing I’d tucked away twisting into an ugly rage at her return in my life.

She needed to feel it…

Last night I felt robbed. Of that righteous feeling. No longer superior to her in my mind, but equal. Her loss and her struggle. We were one and the same and I find myself still scared to admit that to myself. 

Suddenly I’m back in Salt Lake. I’m leaving the lab and she’s waiting there for me and she's smiling at me. 

I dig frantically through my old journals and find it. I look over my old drawings of her, I find an entry.

[Abby and her friends are nice. Manny’s funny, he knows how to get her riled up. 

Told Joel about her and he said her dad was nice too. I hope we can stay here a while.

She collects coins like some old person.]

I flip further through.

[She snuck me out to the zoo in the middle of the night. It was pretty fun. She’s not as uptight as I thought she was. 

Reminds me of that night with Riley.

Something’s on her mind and she won’t tell me the whole thing. I hope she can figure it out. I don’t like seeing her upset.

On the way back to the hospital I finally got her to laugh again. She still just looked sad.]

There’s a drawing of her skipping rocks. A close up of her short braid at the time. 

The next entry I find is the one that was supposed to be my last. I have to steel myself to start reading it.

[In the labs, Jerry said he could make a cure… I’m not gonna make it if it happens though. He wants to do it tonight. 

Wasn’t scared of dying before all this. Been ready to die before. There's no way I can tell Abby or Joel. Just need to go through with it.

Thanks Joel for taking care of me.]

That feeling swells. It makes the ink bleed when it drips on my old words. I turn to the next page. 

After the hospital it took me some time to pick up writing again. She’s there again, a drawing of her without a face. I remember not being able to capture it right anymore.

[Hope she’s okay. 

Joel told me they’d used my blood samples, that it didn’t do any good. Doesn’t make sense why we had to go so quickly. And everything Jerry told me about my immunity... He’s lying to me.

I miss her.

I’m making new friends again, but she was different.]

A sudden knock at my door makes me jump. Did she come back?

Shutting the journal with a snap, I return it to its place in a cardboard box.

“Just a minute!” I wipe my eyes on my sweatshirt and try to compose myself. I’m stumbling to the door and I swing it open frantically.

“You ready to hit the slopes?” Dina’s bundled up and excited with her wooden sled. She looks behind me into my room. “Hey, where’s Abby, thought you said you were gonna ask her to come?” When she looks at me, she finally registers the red and swelling around my eyes. “Are you crying?”

“I’m fine. Just… stubbed my toe.” I wave it off.

“Okay. You’ve been weird. Tell me what’s going on.” Dina, despite me standing in the way, forces her way into my room.

I stumble back. “Everyone is waiting for us.”

Dina pulls the door shut behind her, determined to get her answers. She looks around the place like I’m hiding something. “Told them we’d meet up with them there.” 

A long sigh escapes me. Of course she did.

Fuck it. 

“After patrol, when you were cleaning me up, you asked if she did this to me...” I gesture to the bruising on my face.

“I fucking knew it! Does Maria know?” Dina swivels her head.

“No.” I pull her by the arm. Don’t want her confronting anybody. “I started it. It was my fault.”

“Are you insane? She’s huge, Ellie.” 

“I know. It was stupid.” My hands rest on top of my head. “God, I’m so fucking dumb.” Tears well up again and spill over.

“Hey. Aren’t things okay between you now? Seemed happy enough to talk to you by the diner.”

“We were good, yeah…”

Dina pauses, I can tell she’s holding herself back from asking a million questions a minute. “What is with you two?” 

“We have history, it’s complicated.” 

I know what I’ve given her is vague and implicative. Can see her reading into it.

The truth clumps in my throat. Can I trust Dina with it?

She waits on me quietly wanting answers.

“Before Jackson…” I speak lowly and even, the words feel like they could sting me if I don’t speak them carefully.

“I was at this hospital in Salt Lake City for a few days. Made some friends there. One of ‘em was Abby.”

After Riley. Sam. She was different, I didn’t have to worry about her. The Fireflies were a safe haven the infection couldn’t breach. Abby was untouchable. “Hadn’t really had a friend my age for a while-“

Dina listens with a need to understand. She’s like that. Needs to know you. But she’s not Maria or Marlene. She doesn’t have it down to a science, because she’s too kind for that. 

“Some shit went down, the hospital wasn’t safe anymore. I was separated from Abby. We didn’t end on the best terms. All these years I’ve been in Jackson, I’ve been so angry with her. So when she just showed up out of nowhere, I…”

I lost it.

I can only hope this version of the truth is enough for Dina. So full of holes it can collapse on itself easily.

It’s on her face, she knows there’s more, but she doesn’t ask for it. 

Instead she blinks and turns to me. “So how does that lead to right now? I thought you two made up?”

“We were good but… I think I fucked it up.” I curl into myself. I want to hide from everything, from everyone. “Dina I-“ Fuck. “I fucking kissed her”

“Wh-How did you go from-“ She’s shaking her head, she’s disappointed, confused, I’m not sure. “Ellie, she beat the shit out of you.”

“We fought, yeah. We talked on patrol.”

I was reminded of how things used to be with us.

“Then today we were hanging out like we used to… We got close to each other, I did it without thinking. -And I wouldn’t say she beat the shit out of me.” I throw in at the end. 

Felt like we were those two kids laughing and playing cards again. Catching each other in between shifts to exchange a few words. Sneaking through the zoo park at night.

“Okay.” Dina speaks slowly, processing it all. “Then what. Did she hurt you?” 

I shake my head and wipe my tears with my thumb. “She just ran. I freaked her out.”

Dina means to comfort me when she rests her hand on my shoulder. I will her to say more. To tell me how I’m overreacting and things aren’t ruined.

The longer I wait for her to reassure me, the more it feels like I’ve added weight to the careful balance, and there’s no return.

“Ellie let’s go. Get your mind off things.” Dina stands to collect her sled and bring me my gloves.

I take them, follow her out with my own sled, into the distracting cold.

Chapter Text

ABBY

Pull my hair loose hair, lay back on my bunk. Things will be different now. Just don’t want her to hate me again. I chew on the inside of my cheek, untangle my braid. 

All this mess and for what?

I’d betrayed the Fireflies for her. Held a gun in Marlene’s face. Had a falling out with all my friends. Hated my dad. Hated myself. All over a girl I’d only known for a few days. 

Finally when I've realigned myself to do the right thing, I’m getting into fights with her and drinking and making plans to go sledding.

That’s all it took for me to get distracted. I came here to convince her to come back with us. Instead she’s skewing my sense of purpose again.

I’ve come to her home asking for her life. After all this time. I realize what I am. Scum. Selfish. The thought pushes to the forefront, that she was right about me. 

Ellie’s probably out sledding by now. Dina’s probably there. Maybe she’s making Ellie laugh. While I’m supposed to be the Firefly that takes her away from her world.

I try pacing the room to think of anything else. Re-braid my hair. Look over the few quarters I found on the way here.

Nevada, Kansas, Mississippi, Rhode Island…

The more I try not to think of her the more she pushes into my mind. Brow pinched glowering up at me, striking eyes that strip me of everything including my breath.

The end of a fern. I imagine how the ink wraps around her skin.

I brush my fingers over the scratch along my cheek, scabbed over and red at the edges. The bruises on my neck, tender to the touch. I squeeze my eyes shut when I’m reminded of the feeling, my chapped lips on hers. The light freckles that dot her face, I’d gotten a close look right before it happened.

It’s an endless loop of thoughts conflicting and tormenting, but they’re all of her.

-

Call time for evening patrol approaches faster than I’d like.

Maria’s kept us paired. Our names on the roster together makes my stomach drop. I'm tired of struggling to think of what to say to her. Tired of being scared of her.

Jesse doesn’t hold back. “Should I just push call time 5 minutes for everyone else except you?” 

Ellie’s late again. “Har har.” She rolls her eyes.

“Jesse, leave her alone.” Dina gives him a look.

It makes me feel inadequate, how much Dina puts herself out there for her.

I try to catch Ellie’s eye but she keeps her head low.

“Hey Shimmer.” She greets her horse, it pushes its nose up against her face. Ellie leads her out. 

Dina’s looking at me like I’ve got something on my face.

I don’t try to stare back, it just happens. “What?” I ask.

She’s sizing me up, “Nothing.” But I see how she sneaks glances while she unties her own horse.

We all gather by the gate. Jesse gives his speech, I’m pulling myself up onto Ellie’s horse Shimmer.

Once we’re out in the field, it’s even harder to think. The ripple of the creek helps keep me calm. We’re redoing the patrol from before, through snowed in remains of suburbia. The storm from the past couple days fully settled. 

We’re just past the first outlook, the corpse of a moose has Shimmer spooked and us on our feet.

Moving carefully we follow the melted trail of red snow to a hunting shop. We easily take out the infected that find shelter there. We work well together. In this way at least. 

We’ve circled around to the back of the market. A couple runners remain, hunched over and idle. We each take one.

Mine has a broken neck and the other is gurgling on its blood. I take a beat. “Think that’s it.” I say.

“Probably more in the main building, get me up on that truck.” Ellie’s already finding the next route.

It's like nothing happened, I'm too much of a coward to bring it up. I just follow her lead, lean against the side of the van to give her a boost up top. Snow patters down my shoulder. “See anything?” I call up to her.

“A hole in the roof. We can get in through there.” She lays on her stomach and pulls me up with her.

Hopping down on the other side, I see a crawl space under a trailer. “I think we can fit here.”

I’m only just barely out the other side when I’m ambushed by a lone runner. Quick enough, I hold it away before it can get its face near me, but it occupies both hands. Its arms flailing, beating down on me.

"Ellie!" I call to her between my sounds of effort. 

Two shots fire into it. Ellie’s on her side from underneath, pistol aimed.

I shove its slumped body off beside me and lay back. “Shit!”

“You clean?” She’s looking over me frantically.

“Yeah.” Groaning and clutching my face, she helps me to my feet. “Think it broke my nose.”

“When you break your nose, you know it’s broken.” She pauses teetering in place. “You ready to keep moving?” 

“Sure.”

Ellie pulls herself on truck trailers easily to reach the the roof. It takes me longer to get there, I’m not so graceful. Luckily once we’re at the top it's a short drop and we’re in some office. The way through is a door with glass windows, behind it the air dense with floating particles.

“Great. We got spores.” Ellie comments, digging through her backpack.

We both adjust our masks and draw our weapons.

Past the door is more faculty space. We’re both sweeping to secure it. With no sign of infected so far, we move on down a corridor.

Ellie’s breath fogs against the clear plastic of her mask as we shimmy past pipes.

“Why wear it? You can breathe spores right?” Grates rattle gently beneath our shoes.

“Have to hide it. If we run into anybody it could end in a misunderstanding.” 

“Does anyone else know?” 

The tile floor beneath her cracks. It slants, the wooden beams that hold the floor up rotted from years of water damage. Ceramic shatters, my heart sinks when Ellie starts to fall.

“Ellie!” I reach for her, though once she has a firm grip the floor sends out from under me too. 

She hits the ground and I meet her there, a layer of floor and rubble falls on me, my back stops it from pinning us. I push the material off with some effort. We’re in the main channel of the building.

Several unseen runners shudder at our disturbance. 

“Fuck.” Ellie hisses. “How many more of these fuckers are there?” She whispers.

A crackling shriek sputters, then more shrill gasps.

“Clickers.”

A runner falls around the corner and lunges towards us. Ellie fires her pistol in its mouth then finishes off the clip into another two clickers that follow, alerting a chorus of distant infected throughout the shopping center, echoing and wailing in unrest.

There’s too many of them. A nest.

The sound of their gnashing teeth and pounding steps spur me. “Ellie, We need to go. Cover me.” I search frantically, the gaping ceiling is too far and there’s no way up. A garage door to our left. "There!"

Ellie’s already sprinting over. The chain to lift it is rusted and broken, so she pulls at the base, but it’s industrial and heavy. She grunts, “Won’t budge!” 

“Move!” I nudge her aside and squat down beside her with haste, my fingers find hold at the base and the metal creaks loudly.

Their cries just get angrier and louder. I see them surge around the corner snapping their heads towards us.

My voice is choppy and strained from lifting. “I got it, go!” 

Ellie slides under the small space. They’re near, swarming in numbers. Limbs bashing against each other, tumbling over old planters and mall furniture.

The weight of the door makes my arms burn, it takes everything to hold it alone.

“Hurry!”

Chapter Text

ELLIE 

Abby lets go, it’s more effort than I thought to hold up. The metal frame digs into my hands. “Fuck! Wait!” I groan, knees buckling.

If I don’t let go it will take my fingers at the floor. Before her boot can enter the threshold, it falls shut.

“Abby!”

Muffled screams of infected and clanging metal keep me vigilant. I don’t hear her screams, or the tearing of flesh. I have to get back to her. 

I’m pulling at the door again, alone I can’t even get my fingers under. There has to be something. Anything. 

Okay.

Light filters through the caved in roof, this place is a few years from collapsing in on itself. Luckily that means light and additional exits, but the walls are smooth and there’s nothing to climb. I'm in a jewelry shop. 

That explains the fucking heavy ass door. 

Old growth fungus cover the walls, cob webbed together from time and isolation. I remove my mask and wipe the sweat from my face.

Has to be some way.

Along the walls, I spot a vent. So I stand on top of the thick display glass top and take out my knife to whittle at the screws.

The metal is old and I strip the first one.

“Shit! Come on...”

The space between the head and the grate fits the blade, I can only hope it doesn’t chip the end. With some careful wedging, the screw clacks onto the glass and rolls to a stop.

“Fuck yeah.” One down three to go.

-

Pulling myself forward through the tight metal chamber, I peer through the grates that line it and hope to see her.

The sound of the horde is distant now, but every now and then I peer through gates to see a straggler or two in some shop.

“Abby…” My whispers sound thin against the metal. “Where’d you go?” 

I drop down from an open panel into the main floor and quietly make my way around to where I lost her. The horde has vanished, bloody footprints and smears where they’d thrown themselves. But no Abby. Facing away from the door, there’s no sign of her at all.

Until I see a dead runner just around the way, a crossbow bolt angled in its neck. Strangely, the sight of it brings relief. But when I turn the corner fully, I see where all of them went. 

I duck against the wall. They’re preoccupied with something else they don’t notice me. Peering back out, I see them scattered, some aimlessly wandering, others scratching at a rolling gate of a game shop. She has to be in there. I pull a glass bottle out and fill it with isopropyl, then stuff a torn rag halfway in. 

Slowly inching my way, I give myself some room to work with. Crouched behind a display car. When I’m in prime position, I reel back my shoulder.

“Hey fuckers!”

They all shriek in unison, the sound makes my skin crawl. 

The lit Molotov crashes over their heads. Flailing arms and cries of pain, the roar of bodies on fire.

I unholster my pistol and fire into those that were spared by chance. It’s still a fucking lot of them. It won’t be enough. I keep firing until I’m out and reload my last full clip. When it’s empty I holster it. 

My rifles in my hands. I’m letting them get too close, one drops a few yards away. Another falls even closer at my feet. I’m on my last bullet and I send it into the head of a stalker. Still about a dozen of them.

I rush to the wall and free an old pipe from its coupling.

One. Two. Three down. My grip is sore and straining to hold the pipe. A clicker on my left takes the next hit but still stands. A final swing cracks its skull, but breaks the pipe and I let the handle clatter to the floor. 

My knife switches open.

My odds aren’t great. In going for the pipe, I’ve backed myself into a corner. So I scrape up a glass bottle from the floor and hurl it into the nearest runners face.

They rush at me, a flurry of arms and bodies. Gnashing teeth barely miss me. My knife finds their throats and fungus softened skulls. Their hands find me, beating against me, clawing at my coat.

One pins me against the wall and I struggle to throw it off. There’s still more left behind it.

I can’t die here. Not while she needs me.

I grunt and worm my arm up to pierce it under the chin. Sweaty strands of hair fall into my vision when I throw it off me. 

Just three more. A clicker and two runners. I can do that. 

Rusty wheels run the metal track loud.

“Ellie!”

From across the floor, she calls out, as she finishes rolling the gate open and climbs over the burned bodies piled there. 

Abby.

Their attention turns to her. A bolt flies into the head of the closest runner. 

Without much time to reload, the bolt she fumbles with clatters to the floor when the clicker is on her.

Abby’s just barely able to create space, but it takes hold of her braid and readies a fatal bite. Her scream of anticipation sets my whole body on fire.

I scramble for her assailant, I feel the handle of my knife firm, “Get away from her you, bitch!”

Plunging it in, I tear a messy cut from jaw to shoulder. It falls writhing and I nearly lose my balance. The last runner dives at me, that’s what takes me off my feet sideways. My back slams into the side of a display car. I feel its teeth bury into my skin at the inner most part of my shoulder, where the layers of clothing don’t do well to protect me.

Unfocused vision makes it hard to find my knife still lost in the discarded clicker’s neck and the fine glass covered floor has me slipping against its grip on me.

“No!” A yell, guttural, it doesn’t come from me. 

One hit sends it to the ground. The second ends it’s incessant wailing. Each consecutive strike coats her forearm in red spatter, until her knuckles touch the tile. 

Abby stops.

Letting out a shaky breath, dropping the weight of her arms to her sides. She’s trembling. Even when she stands she watches it like it might reanimate. Like it took everything to stop from mangling her own hand against the floor.

Then her harsh eyes meet mine. She collects herself and rushes to me. Kneels hastily to keep pressure on my shoulder. “You can’t get it from a bite either right?”

I shake my head, “No.” The movement makes me wince.

She lurches with a pent up sigh and removes her backpack, gloves, and overcoat. Unzipping my bag to dig through. “Good.” 

Abby pulls open my jacket and pulls off my sweatshirt. The movement makes me cry out.

"Just bear with me, need to see the damage." 

Just try to keep my focus on her, her clenched jaw and terse movements.

The sticky coagulation soaked into my undershirt is audible when she peels it back, it fucking hurts, but the angry sting of alcohol at the open wound is what brings me back into my body. A panting wail, a sensation that makes me feel like vomiting.

Abby wavers at the sound, but her palm settles me. "I need to move you a bit. Can you handle that for me?"

I nod as much as I can. There’s a lot of blood.

She helps me sit up against the side of the car. “I can stem the bleeding, stitch you up for now, but we need to get you back for proper care.”

“Could probably take down a few more.” Laughing makes the bite feel like glass.

Abby clicks her tongue. “Hold still.” She’s irritated, eyes set and stern.

Reddened flesh already tender, screams when pierced. The threaded needle shuts down any more retorts. I grit my teeth through it.

After the final stitch, she helps ease me back into my layers of clothes.

“This’ll do for now." Abby zips up my jacket. "Can you stand?”

“Yeah…” But when I’m on my feet I’m dizzy, from exhaustion, from the adrenaline crash, from blood loss. 

“Easy now.” She keeps me from falling and lifts my other arm over her shoulder.

“No one’s gonna believe our numbers.” 

-

After I unbury my knife, we circle around and find a way back to Shimmer. She helps me up on the saddle and sits behind me supporting my weight. I lean back against her while she holds the reins. Try not to think about how the heat of her body makes me feel.

“Can’t wait to explain to Maria how we didn’t finish our route. Again." I say. "Wasn’t my fault this time though.” 

I expect a laugh. Some kind of prod back. I’m met with a long drawn out pause.

“Hey.” Abby stammers with caution. “Are we… good?” 

My voice comes out questioning. “Yeah. We’re good.”

“About… Earlier.”

“It didn’t mean anything.” I don’t need to hear her thoughts on any of it, not the kiss or about me. Just barely made it alive out of that infested building, not in the mood for it. “Let’s just get back to Jackson.”

I recede into myself. The rhythm of the Shimmer’s steps is a constant that sometimes is punishing, other times lets me drift.

Acceptance seems simple, just forget it, and now life goes on. I need her to move on from it. But I’m still wrestling with it, I wander back to the moment she was so close to me.

Trying to picture where that leaves us.

When I took out my anger on her at the outlook, that was all we needed to be us. My mind lingers, hesitant in that space. Can’t imagine not feeling that, realize it would be impossible to be anything but cold to her; to keep this fragile barrier unbroken.

Strangers.

Even before, even in Salt Lake, we were attached. We barely knew each other though. Convincing myself it's more than it was is foolish.

Abby questions me again. “Back at the hospital. Why didn’t you tell me you were going through with it?” I can feel her voice vibrate in her chest.

My whole body tenses. “I mean, I don’t know. Didn’t have a lot of time to think about it.”

“You just went through with it.” 

“I wanted to say something.”

“You could have.” Abby speaks with urgency. “You could’ve said something.” She’s offended. 

“I was ready to die.”

“Oh.” She scoffs ”And then I was just supposed to be okay with that.”

Can’t see her face, but a shakiness in her tone tells me she’s hurting. She’s still rattled from the encounter in the shopping center.

“Abby-“

“Got it. I wasn’t even worth a fucking goodbye.” Abby’s hands tighten on the reins, the blood soaked leather of her gloves seeps into the straps.

A seeming moment of contemplation. Her next words are rushed and hopeful. “…You know you don’t have to go through with it.” Confidence betrayed by a waver at the end.

The swirling in my head comes out as a scowl. My fingers curl in on themselves.

Is she fucking with me right now?

“I could stay too-” Abby stops herself abruptly and lingers there.

I shake my head. “So you came all this way. All the way from Washington to tell me to just- I can’t do that now, Abby.” 

“Can’t have a life?”

“I already had one. Here. I just started it, and then you showed up.” 

“But now it's-“ She grumbles, frustrated. With me, herself maybe, I don’t know.

My chest feels tight. My shoulder throbs. Why is she doing this to me? Pulling me every which way, I can’t even keep track of my own feelings. There’s no rest from it, my mind is teeming with thoughts and memories that don’t help make sense of anything. She must know I can’t stay here. That I wouldn’t.

”I’ve done so much to survive, Abby. It needs to be worth something.”

I’d said something similar to Joel, when he asked me to rethink it all right at the doorstep of the Fireflies. Back then I meant it, I mean it now too. It was always an easy choice, but there’s this weight to it now, an indescribable notion that complicates things. It’s because of her.

Abby’s voice reverberates through me, stern but with a softness I haven’t heard from her yet. “I don’t want you to.”

Leaning away and silently taking the reins, I bear the pain of the fresh bite, but I miss the feeling of her against me.

Chapter Text

ABBY 

In the cold, Ellie shivers and sways. From here I can see her reddened ears.

At first glance that bite was a bloody mess. When I’d stopped the bleeding, I could see it was deep. It’s going to get an infection. Antibiotics will handle that when we’re back in town, but her current state is precarious. We’re still almost an hour away.

“We’re moving too slow, you need actual treatment.” When she doesn’t respond I sigh with frustration, right now isn’t the time to be stubborn.

“The incisor depth was more than a centimeter. You probably don’t get how bad that is, but I do.”

Still, not a word. My face twists. “Ellie, seriously!” 

I bring her back towards me, get her attention, keep her warm, but she just slumps against my chest. “Shit. Hey.”

Lightly tapping her cheek doesn’t make her any more responsive. I slip my glove off. Her face is heating up, coated in a fine layer of beaded sweat. 

God damnit…

Fever, dark circles under her fluttering eyes. The paleness of her face tells me physical exertion and blood loss is taking its toll.

“Just stay awake. We’ll be there soon.” I need to get her there now. Taking the reins, I urge on Shimmer. 

Galloping through the cold, her head is jostling back on my shoulder, brow flinching when the ride is too rough.

I should’ve noticed sooner.

“Come on Shimmer. Let’s go.” I’m able to cut the journey significantly, steering her to the trodden trails and shallow snow. Keep it as smooth as I can for her.

There are the walls of Jackson.

Finally.

I shake the reins until we’re inside. I’m off the horse before she even stops and pulling Ellie off the saddle. The stables are in commotion at our early arrival. The sight of me running with her in my arms and covered in blood has stable hands murmuring. 

I rush further into the stables. “Nora!” 

“Holy shit Abby!” Nora rushes over and follows in stride to the medical cabin nearby, looking over her right away as I lay her on a table. “What are we dealing with here?” 

Mel rushes to help.

There’s a crowd of Jackson folk accumulating outside, some wandering in worried over Ellie’s state. “Mel, get everyone out of here.”

“Why? What’s-“

“Mel!” I shout impatiently.

Ellie’s immunity doesn’t seem like common knowledge amongst the town. At least as far as I know, she didn’t really get to answer that question before we fell right in the middle of a swarm.

Mel ushers out curious eyes and closes the door soon after.

“She needs antibiotics. Human bite, from a runner, about one and half centimeters deep, some tendon and probably nerve damage. Unresponsive, temp running hot. Took me several minutes to stop the bleeding.” I’m rattling off my assessment, tearing back the layers of clothes to reveal the bite. A ring of fungal patterns and cysts have formed around it.

Nora’s eyes widen. “Fuck. She’s not…” 

“No!” I say it more aggressively than intended and have to steady myself. “No, she’s not infected.” 

Mel hands Nora a pair of medical scissors then readies gauze. 

As Nora cuts the hastily done stitches, I lather some soap and wash up. When I rub new suds into the bite, Ellie mutters, jolts, and tries to sit up.

“Abby, hold her.” Nora grabs a pitcher and fills it at the water basin.

I bar my forearm across her body and hold her arm with the afflicted shoulder still. “You’re okay, Ellie, we just need to flush out the wound. You can handle it.”

When the water is poured over, Ellie gasps inward. She strains against me, her eyes open wide and bloodshot, words slurred and panicked. “Get off me!” She flails her other arm at me, hitting my cheekbone squarely. “Fuck you Abby!” Snarling at me.

Nora and Mel hold her down on either side while she struggles to rip herself free from them. The bite is bleeding again, a small but steady drip slipping down and staining the left strap of her sports bra.

“We got it from here, Abby. Just wait outside.” Mel presses the gauze against the agitated opening. As she twists against their hold she breathes hoarsely, teeth clenched in pain.

-

The door falls shut loud in the snow quieted road. Get a few looks.  

There are still some people waiting outside, talking in low voices amongst each other. I stand aside and cross my arms. Chewing the inside of my lip bloody waiting for them to finish up. 

The rest of the patrol is returning now, I hear curious remarks and uncertain answers. Her name is floating around them. 

Maria and her husband are trying to get people out of the street and inside away from the drama. 

Joel doesn’t wait and rushes into the cabin.

Dina returns from her route with Jesse, she’s speeding over through the crowd. We lock eyes. Her mouth set in a line,  she comes directly up to me. 

I take a couple steps away. She’s agitated.

“why am I hearing Ellie is fucking bleeding out?” It’s accusatory. Surely she blames me for whatever she thinks has happened, rumors passed along unreliable from just a glimpse of Ellie. 

“She’s not bleeding out, she’s just hurt.”

“You fucking did this didn’t you?” She’s not being subtle right now, more than a few heads turn our way. “I always had a bad feeling about you.”

My brow raises at her directness. “I didn’t- We came across a small horde, barely fought them off. I did what I could, I got her back here alive.” My tone lowers and I readjust my folded arms.

Dina shakes her head, seeming to disengage from me, but she turns back with a calm hostility. “You couldn’t just stay away. I know what you've done to her. What you do to her.”

She knows something, can't assess the extent of it. I scan the crowd, now fully tuned into our conversation. This is bad.

Maria’s pushing through trying to reach us. Subdue any more rumors that might arise.

“If you care about her in any way, you’re leaving, and you’ll stay the fuck out of Jackson.” 

As soon as Maria approaches she backs off, not wanting heat from her. “Dina, hey!” She tries to get her attention, but she’s already stalking off enraged. 

Maria looks to me for answers, concerned. “Christ. What is all this?”

I sway, staring around at the audience I’ve attracted.

As usual, Maria catches on to the sensitivity of the situation. She beckons me to come along with her. “Let’s go talk.” 

My eyes linger on the door, I don’t want to leave her here. 

Maria notices my hesitation. “We won’t be long.” 

Ellie’s made it clear, she doesn’t want me here, her outburst. None of this would’ve happened, wouldn't have stirred up turmoil. Might’ve not been hurt if it weren’t for basically forcing her into patrol with me. Maybe she could’ve been in more capable hands.

The medical cabin feels like a force, hard to leave, but I trudge along past the whispers of the crowd.

Chapter Text

ELLIE

Crooked teeth widen. 

My breath quickens, I’m trying to reach her. “Abby.”

The floor slips, have to use my hands to keep me up and moving. “Abby!”

I will my knife to reach her in time, but then the clicker rips into her. It stretches the exposed tendon of her neck, a primal cry of anguish, choking on her own blood. 

I can’t even scream. Just fall to her, palm at her neck, the warmth seeping away from her too quickly. She cant speak but she tries to anyways. A pulse of blood floods through the cracks of my fingers. 

“You’re okay.” I don’t believe it, and the fear in her eyes tells me she doesn’t either. “Fuck. I don’t know what to do.”

She stills, unfocuses and I sob. “Fuck. No, please.” 

I bury my head in her shoulder, the scent of pine and blood. The dark liquid mattes her hair. 

When her body convulses, I lean away, hopeful she’s still alive. 

She sits up to face me.

Sprouts of fungus grow from her face, her far off look returning with each passing moment. Then a twist of rage. It’s sudden and she’s pushed me onto my back. 

It’s not her. She bites into my shoulder, a hot fresh pain.

For a moment I see her, over me. We’re at the outlook fighting and she’s keeping me down. That demeaning look brings fury.

“Get off me!” I swing at her and the hit lands.

“Fuck you Abby!”

There’s other voices, muffled, drowned out, and I’m enveloped in this persistent buzz.

Then the noise clears, I’m sitting across from her. We’re at the hospital, alone in the dining hall. A deck of cards shuffling in her hands. My guitar is in my lap.

“That was pretty great.” She’s looking down, lashes hiding the gray of her eyes. Her tilting smile pushes a crease into her cheek, but it quickly fades into a sorrowful frown. 

“Ellie…” 

We’re in the electronics department of a store in Boston. Facing each other on top a glass display table.

Abby looks up at me, tears falling freely. “Don’t go.”

She’s further away from me now, and when I try to reach for her, she’s a mirage that slips through. It feels like I’m waiting to hit the ground, but it slows and I’m just suspended.

Joel’s voice is there. It’s the last thing I remember until I’m drifting off again.

“It’s okay babygirl I got you. I got you.”

-

I’m not sure where I am now. I’m laying down, I feel weak. A wooden ceiling, the smell of iron. My head turns slow, a disorienting ache draws a sound from me. 

“Ellie? Oh thank god.” Joel stands from the chair beside me, he leans over the table, his hand rests on my forearm. “How are you feelin’ kiddo?” 

Like a bag of bricks. 

The memories come back from patrol. Fighting off the horde, Abby saving me.

“Where’s Abby?”

His face drops at her name. “Heard she’s on some errand for Maria, I think. But we need to talk about her.”

Been putting off the conversation with him, busying myself with patrol and sledding, he has to have some idea of my decision. There’s no way I’m staying in Jackson. I have to do it. For Riley, Tess, Sam. That couple in the ski resort. Won’t lose anyone else. “She saved my life.”

He gets defensive right away. “You don’t owe her anything for that.” 

“I know. I saved her ass too.” Images of my dream flash through my mind, that clicker killing her. How she basically came back from the dead, infected. “But I’m not doing this for her.”

Joel sighs and looks down, surely thinking of some way to change my mind. He shakes his head in denial. “I’m not losing you. Not-”

Not again? Not like Sarah?

Before, he’s mistaken me for her in his mind, I know I bring back memories of her. He sees me as his second chance. 

“It’s not your choice.” I say.

His jaw tightens. Can see him fighting with it. “Why are you doing this?” It’s accusatory, like I’m wronging him, like I’m taking his daughter from him all over again.

“You know why.” 

“Just when I- When we-“ He opens and closes his mouth, rethinking his sentence several times. “I know you can be happy here, Ellie. You deserve that.”

I shake my head slow, despite that soreness. “But I can’t be.” The pain in his expression forces me to look away.

“Christ.” He whispers and steps away from me, starts pacing with his hand on his chin. Turning away to hide himself. 

“I’ll stay here until Spring, but after that. I have to go.”

“I’ll go with you.” He says it too quick. 

Can’t trust him with that again, as much as I want to have him with me. He said before that he’d do it all over again, I know he meant he’d make the same decision. There’s no way I’d risk that, I need this. “Have to do it alone, Joel.”

Our conversation isn’t over. It’s Joel. For now he lets me rest. 

Some time after, Mel comes in to change my bandages. The yellow residue of infection is there.

She always has this scared way about her, she watches me extra carefully this time. Looks over the bite warily as she cleans and redoes the wrapping. “The antibiotics are working. You just need time now. And rest.”

“You got it doc.” I say wryly.

Incredulity crosses her face, “Was sure you’d turned when you went for Abby. Seeing your immunity actually work is incredible.” She has this expectant look, I can feel the question. Will I go through with it?

“Wait. What happened with Abby?” 

Mel sees my impatience. She’s hesitant. “You had a fit, some type of delirium from the fever.” 

“Where’s is she?” 

She's apprehensive at my insistence. “I don’t know.” 

Enough dodging. Need to know what I did. “Tell me what happened, Mel.”

-

News of my recovery spreads. Maria, Tommy, and Jesse come by for a bit to visit. 

Tommy’s asking me questions left and right about how I’m feeling, if I’m comfortable, if I need anything, must’ve scared him. 

Jesse tells me Dina’s been impatient to see me. I only realize the extent when they all filter out and she comes in with this look like she’s seen the dead come back to life.

Dina sits beside me hastily, covering my hand with hers. “You scared me last night.” The space between her eyebrows creases as she glances down at the new patch on my shoulder. 

“Last night? I’ve been asleep for a whole day?” Hearing how long I’ve been out of commission has me restless. Sitting up, my whole body is tense and sore.

“No, Ellie, you need to lay down.” Dina presses me back gently at the center of my chest. Her hand lingers there. 

I sigh, frustrated. Not with her, I know she’s right. I’ve never been great at waiting around. “Do you know how long they want me here for?”

She shakes her head. Should’ve asked Mel when she was in.

“I’ve been meaning to talk to you.” She doesn’t look at me when she says it. Something’s up with her.

I try to diffuse. “Look. I know I’ve been super weird lately. It’s just seeing Abby again has been fucking with me.”

“I know.” She has this understanding look that’s somehow also pity. “This isn’t about her.” 

I wait for her to go on. 

“Jesse and I we… I ended things with him last night.”

“What happened?” This isn’t shocking news, they’ve been on and off since I can remember.

”We’re done for good this time.” She’s said it before. 

”But you love him.”

“Of course I love him. It’s just…” She struggles with it, whatever it is. “And I love his family. Jesse wants a certain life with me. I don’t know if I want it. We’re just stuck in this routine.”

Her decision seems so sudden. “Why now?” Usually there’s buildup to this type of thing. Jesse did this. I said that. And then they both come to me complaining about who started it, who doesn’t get it. 

“After you came back, I heard so many things. People were saying you looked dead. That Abby was covered in blood and that it was yours.” She pauses with uncertainty. “They wouldn’t let me in to see you.”

There’s a catch in her voice, the next words are cautious, but demanding. “Tell me you feel it. There’s something here. It’s not just me is it?”

What the fuck?

We’ve always been friends, when I first came to Jackson her and Jesse were the first to take to me. Dina is an affectionate person, I just happened to be the closest one to her. Besides Cat. Dina never really liked Cat much.

All those nights she spent crying over him to me, I’d held her and soothed her sorrow. Told her not to worry, that Jesse would come around. I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t some kind of connection. But they always got back together.

And I could never forget about Abby.

“Dina…” Just in my tone there’s a rejection. 

She stands. “I’m sorry. Can we forget I said anything.” 

“Where is this coming from? I just-“ It’s about time I accept it. It feels shitty to recognize that here, now, while Dina’s pouring her heart out to me. Been circling it from every angle and it’s come to the same end result every time. “I think I might. Have some kind of feelings for Abby.”

“Her?” Indignation crosses her. “All she ever does is hurt you.” 

She wants answers. The real story. The full story. Dina deserves to know the truth. I should tell her.

So I do.

I tell her about Riley. My immunity. The cure. What Joel and Abby did.

She doesn’t want to believe it. Not at first.

Until I lift the bandage to show her the angry bite, then she just looks betrayed.

I get it. All this time I’ve kept it from her, when she’d worry over a close call, when she’d asked about the scar on my arm. There’s been so many chances to tell her.

“You should know why Abby’s here.” The real reason. 

“No…” She’s already guessed it. It’s not fair, I know. A new clarity unravels on her face as she puts it all together. The fights, my conflicting behaviors. “You can’t.”

“I have to.” I feel bad. I should be feeling this way, all Dina’s ever done was be my friend, look out for me, worry over me.

Tears fall, I want to stop them, to brush them away like I always have for her.

I can’t. Not when I’m the one that brought them. I can’t reassure her that everything will work out. Won’t lie to her again.

Everyone wants me to stay here, but standing still will rot me. 

Chapter Text

ABBY

Just got back to my cabin after my shift taking care of Shimmer; Maria took us off patrol, appointed me on Ellie’s usual stable duty until she’s recovered enough.

Think she just wants me to stay busy and out of trouble, rumors are starting around town, about what happened out there.

Dina’s outburst has people questioning past injuries. Why Ellie is on patrol with a random newcomer, one that can’t seem to manage getting her back unharmed. 

I flop on the mattress of my bunk. For the first time since I’ve come here my mind is blank. So much keeps happening, would think this a welcome change of pace. But the quiet in my head comes with a restless feeling.

Pick at the dirt under my nails, readjust my pillow. Can’t get comfortable and I sigh in frustration.

When Mel walks in she shuts the door timidly behind her. Can only hope this goes quickly and not like the past few interactions I’ve had.

Everyone wants a go at me.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“Ellie just woke up. She’s asking for you.”

I roll off the end of the bed, immediately to my feet. “Gotta get down there.” Honestly it’s about damn time, been waiting to see her since I was kicked out yesterday.

“Sure.” She seems overly aware of the space she takes up, clutching her arms close like she expects me to take a finger off. “Hey, have you seen Owen at all today?”

“No… Everything alright?” Asking is only out of politeness. Last thing I’m gonna do is worry about Owen. I know I don’t hide my irritation with her well either.

“He’s been distant, now I have no idea where he is. Thought maybe he might’ve said something to you.”

“I wouldn’t know.” Last time I saw him was at the diner yesterday morning. Didn’t seem distant. Overbearing maybe. “He told me. About the baby. That’s it though.” 

“Oh. Yeah, we decided to stay until it arrives.”

“You’re actually keeping it?” Seems crazy to want a kid in this world. Can’t imagine doing that to myself or a child.

She’s taken aback. Like the answer should be obvious. “Not all of us can be okay stringing people along forever. Some of us want to settle down, have a life.”

Can’t help but scoff. “What do you mean by that?” My arms cross. Surely she can’t know about me and Ellie, what’s happened between us.

Her eyes dart to the side. “I’m not blind Abby. You and Owen. What were you and Owen whispering about yesterday?”

“You think. Me and Owen?” I say it slow. He’s like a fucking mosquito, no matter how many times I swat him away he’s back with his incessant bullshit. “No, I've had my fill, thanks.”

The caution in her posture warps into aggression, clearly something has been on her mind. “I know you're not past a lie. And you're not past being selfish.” 

“Okay. I’m done with this.” A match made in hell, those two.

“You’re a piece of shit Abby.” Intention rears its ugly head.

Now we’re getting somewhere. This is about her insecurities. Whatever she's interpreted from his desperate behaviors, this truth she’s built. Not my fault she picked the first pathetic guy available to her.

I laugh at the thought. I’ve already had my mistakes thrown at me by Ellie, can’t rub the wound more raw than that.

“I could give two shits about Owen. Really, he just got in my face. I kept telling him to piss off.”

Mel shakes her head, “I just. Want this baby to be taken care of.”

“And you think Owen’s the man for that?” 

I’ve overstepped. She’s essentially accusing me of being a homewrecker. Of all things. The approach I’ve chosen isn’t graceful. But she’s still holding me hostage, and she’s wanting something from me I can’t give her. 

“You’re leaving. In Spring?” Mel shoots the question abruptly.

“As soon as it’s safe to travel.”

“Good.”

I could keep this going. Could prattle off insults back at her. Try to reason. She’ll choose to hate me every time. 

I take a breath. “Alright. Nice chat Mel. We done here?”

Surprised her there. Usually don’t back down so easily. She has this incredulous look, eyes wide, the anger is still there, seems like she’s not sure what to do with it now.

Can’t bring myself to care.

I make a beeline for the medical cabin, leaving her behind.

Can feel everyone outside looking at me.

Whatever. Tired of everyone’s fucking drama.

I reach for the handle of the med cabin, it turns. Dina is just leaving.

Great.

I expect a dirty look. Maybe a few words spoken with an edge.

“Abby.” Dina’s tone is suspiciously even. “You headed in to see her?”

“Yeah…” Not sure where this is going.

“She told me.” Dina nods, resolutely. “About the hospital. And you two.”

Fuck. So even Ellie’s closest friend had been kept in the dark about her immunity. My actions, what I took from her. Another thing for Dina to cling on to that proves her notions about me.

“I just feel really bad about the whole thing.”

She’s blind sided me. Last thing I expect is some kind of understanding.

Dina rambles on, “I shouldn’t have called you out like that in front of all those people. It’s just, I was so worried about her, and-“

“It’s fine. I get it.” I cut her off. She has every right to dislike me. She doesn’t owe me anything, not this weird ambiguous apology. Makes me uncomfortable having someone trying to atone with me for once. 

There’s a dry moment between us. Dina’s considering me. Analyzing me with a new prerogative.

“I should…” I point past her to the cabin.

“Right.”

Struggling to digest this. Somehow I’m irked by the interaction, Ellie vouching for me, spilling her secrets, our secrets. I know it’s derisive. Have to push down that possessive feeling.

When Ellie sees me her distant stare lights up, she sits upright despite the clear discomfort on her face.

“What? You miss me?” I taunt.

She lifts her eyebrows, but she’s smiling. “Fuck off.” 

“You should be laying down.”

She sighs and begrudgingly reclines. “Everyone keeps telling me that.” 

“How’s it feel?”

She chortles. “Feels awesome.” 

We exchange overly reserved laughs. Feels like we’re skirting around something. Since I came here it’s felt that way. Rarely have we been aligned, but always changing around each other. We just clash, but that’s how we are, both stubborn in different ways. Both tangled in our emotions and unable to unravel.

“You were right by the way.” Ellie startles me out of my thoughts. 

Uncertain what she’s referring to. Weird hearing her say that, I can only hope she’s considering my words about staying here.

“I should’ve said goodbye. Was an asshole move.” 

Not what I was expecting. “Asshole is a word for it.”

“Whatever.” She chuckles, dimples deepening.

It feels lighthearted. In the way that’s brittle.

Don’t know what else to talk about, so I point the attention away from me to her wounded shoulder. “Can I take a look?” 

“It’s not that bad. Mel just took care of it.”

As much as she gets on my nerves, I trust Mel’s knowledge and medical care. It would just settle me to have a look for myself. “Just wanna see it.” 

“Okay, okay.” Ellie lays still for me. Feels too quiet now that I’m closer to her.

I peel away the gauze carefully, the tape comes off easily when fresh. It’s bruised and swollen, that’s expected. Dark scabs where the teeth had clamped and torn. The fungal patterns are still there but less pronounced. 

Can’t help but hiss at the sight, “It really got you.” Make sure not to add any unneeded pressure as I test the inflamed skin. 

She winces at my prodding. “You should see the other guy, someone beat him to a pulp.” 

“Well he had it coming.” I back away, lean my hands at the edge of the table, satisfied with the injuries progress since yesterday.

Ellie reaches for my hand out of nowhere. Rubs her thumb over my knuckles. The flesh is ripped and red from pummeling the infected that bit her. Have to stop myself from pulling away. 

“It’s not a big deal.” I sound tense despite my efforts to push down how the touch makes my stomach swirl. Not used to her being concerned over me, the gesture almost affectionate. Concern as if she’s not the one lying hurt on the table. Patching her back up is my excuse to end the contact. I’m over aware of my fingertips and the small brushes that happen against her neck, how her hair grazes my wrist.

“Heard I put up a fight.” Her eyes flicker to the fresh mark on my cheek. “Sorry about fucking you up like that. Was in and out of dreams and shit. It was insane.”

“Don’t worry about it. You’ve done worse.” 

Ellie rolls her eyes. Her smile fades quickly though, threading her fingers and picking under her nails. “And. For kissing you before like that. It was in the moment, don’t know what I was thinking.”

That’s news to me. That she kissed me and not the other way around. I’m quiet for too long, hearing her reconstruction of events complicates things. Not sure what it makes me feel. 

Ellie squirms under my scrutiny. My eyes flit away. Right now I shouldn’t pry at it. I stand there blundering small footsteps in the same spot before I decide to sit in the chair beside her. My elbows fall over my thighs, put my attention on my hands. Scratch at the thin scabs. Rack my mind for something to say, but I’m at a loss. 

So I dig into my pocket, pull out my deck of cards. “You remember how to lose?” Finally finding the courage to look at her. I’m rewarded with a creeping grin.

Chapter Text

ELLIE 

Joel and I finally watch Viper and Curtis II together. He’s still tense after all that’s happened, quieter, more serious like how he used to be, but we ease back into ourselves naturally once we’re both settled around his tv and the movie starts.

“How you reckon they did that? Some type of, graphics or effects or something?” Joel hands me a bowl of popcorn he made stovetop.

Toss a few kernels in my mouth. “No idea. The mystery adds to it though.”

Joel sits on the recliner and lifts the foot rest. “Hm. I suppose. I dunno.”

“Dina told me they use corn syrup sometimes for blood effects, wonder if that’s it. Must be so gross.”

“Imagine it’d be a pain to get it off, yeah.”

“You know if anyone has a camera in Jackson?”

“Not that I know of. Sure we could find one for you in the less picked over parts of town. Next time me and Tommy go out further I’ll keep an eye out.”

“Sick.”

“You gonna make your own?”

“That’d be cool, but I don’t know if I’ll have the eye for it.”

He takes in what I say, is quiet for a moment. “You got it. You always do what you’re set on, you’re stubborn like that.”

“Woah okay, and you’re not stubborn?”

Joel chuckles, “Never said that.”

-

We finish the movie late. Joel yawns and rests his wrist on his forehead as the credits roll. 

“Past your bedtime old man?”

He huffs and rolls out of the recliner, stretching his back. “You should get some rest too. Get your strength back.” 

“I’ll be fine.”

“And don’t forget to come back tomorrow for some of Tommy’s stew. It’s in the fridge.”

“You’re doing it again.”

“Alright… alright I’ll leave you be. Just holler if you need anything.”

“I know. Thanks.” I give him a polite smile, laughing under my breath. 

Something isn’t right though, it floats between us waiting to be acknowledged. The subtle sting of the bite. There’s a way about it that’s unsettling. Like it’s my last night on earth and I owe it to something that I’m still here. That I am enjoying life when I should have been dead a long time ago…

“Joel.” I say.

He pauses at the first step to the second floor. Turns with anticipation, tense in the way he carries himself. “Yeah kiddo?”

“At the hospital…”

Joel’s grip tightens on the railing, he looks like he thinks the walls have eyes.

“I should've talked to you first about what I was doing. This time it’ll be different.”

Already I know, that’s not how he is. It was taken from him a long time ago. An innocent life. My words back then would’ve changed nothing, he had killed like some force willed it. Even now, it’s not something he can accept just yet. I could say it as my dying breath and he still wouldn’t.

He clears his throat but stays silent for the time being. Rocks his foot subtly on that first step. Wearing a sad reluctant smile. “Take some stew with you tonight. In case you get hungry.” Joel continues up to his room.

-

After I grab a tupperware from Joel's ridge, I walk back to the shed slowly, shut the door. Besides movie night, today has been uneventful, and I’m always at risk for overthinking when it gets late. 

The hospital. Seattle. Abby. I’ll let the thoughts linger now that I’m alone.

My decision is final. It always has been. Just this time I get to do things the way I want. In a few months I’ll be in Seattle. I’ll meet Jerry again.

Need to be tying up loose ends. The year is coming to a close and I can’t make the same mistake as in Salt Lake. Right now I need to focus on the people I’m leaving behind - no matter how much harder it makes things. The Winter social tomorrow, I’ll make sure to make use of my time with everyone. Pretend things are normal.

A muffled space, there’s something persistent. Getting wrapped up in all this emotional shit with Abby when time’s running out is reckless. 

I empty the tupperware of Tommy’s stew into a bowl. Set it on top of the wood heater to save dirtying some dishes. Watch the flames in the furnace crackle while I wait. 

Thinking about how Dina had spoken her mind, how it made things feel, we changed because of it. I know she would leave Jesse for me and now every touch, look, word - is up to question. I don’t want Abby feeling that way about me. 

How do I want her to feel?

Some responsibility. What she did to me. What she does to me. 

The bowl is hot when I take it from the furnace. Have to set it down fast. Fingertips red, can feel my pulse in them. I seat myself at the coffee table and wait for it to cool.

At the time I was unsure of what I meant when I told Dina I had feelings for Abby. Just that she seems to be in the forefront of every decision I make. How comfortable we could be, if things were different. 

Just keep coming back to it, her warmth, her touch. Leaning back against her chest. The skin of her knuckles beneath my fingers. Even when it’s her hands rough on me, pushing me hard to the floor, it’s a humiliating moment on the edge of being gratuitous. Her aggression, I want it. It’s confusing in a way that almost brings clarity. A way that explains why I can't think right when we're together - why the feeling of her lips, however brief, burned a mark into me.

What I hold for her has to be kept inside, before it buries us both. If one of us has to sink, it’ll be me.

The stew is hardy. This one made with venison, never been a big fan of it, but Joel’s right about this at least. I need to take care of myself in these next few months, ready myself for what comes next. So I force down my bites and grip my thoughts so they don't linger further back.

The bite, no longer a throbbing pain, but a dull ache when my arm is at rest. Nora wrote me instructions. How to keep it clean, how to wrap it. I was supposed to do that hours ago. But it’s late, and doing all that feels like a hassle.

I roll into the blanket on my bed. Try not to close my eyes. I know what I’ll see, I can’t look at her right now.

Chapter Text

ABBY

Nothing works to calm me down. Feels like time is moving too slow and not slow enough.

Standing right at the entrance of the shed, my nerves get the worst of me.

“Hey Ellie.” I mutter the words to myself.

Going over it again doesn’t get me anywhere. No matter how many times I rehearse it, I can’t get it to sound right.

“You going to that thing tonight? I was thinking about it…”

Feels contrived. 

“I’m going. You should too.” 

Too direct.

Not sure what I’m trying to achieve. Don’t know what I want.

She’s stripped away what I’ve built to protect myself. Growing out from inside in a rushed tangle, like weeds. 

I shouldn’t ask her.

It’ll make things harder. 

Because there’s still this hopeful thing I’m holding on to even though my actions have come off wrong.

Need to push it down, a small voice telling me to disrupt our friendship - what we’ve salvaged. If I’m around her again, alone like that… It’d make it worse on me.

Sitting by her bedside with cards, that was hard enough. I wanted to stay there and run away at the same time, but I needed to be there for her.

Can’t resist the draw. I can feel it now, fighting it makes my head hurt.

What happens when I get too close and I can’t take it back?

Will I be able to let her go once our time here has ended?

Every angle I look at it I come to the same conclusion, but I still wrestle with it like I can find an opening.

While everything’s telling me to run, this surge comes screaming through telling me to trust my worst impulses. It screams, “She kissed you!” And it claws its way out.

“Screw it.”

My hand hovers by my side, moving with indecision.

“Do it.” I whisper. 

With one more hesitation, I pause before rapping on the door and let out a pent sigh. Hearing footsteps behind it makes my heart beat loud in my ears. 

She opens the door in fucking boxer shorts and a sweatshirt. Her bare legs form goosebumps from the outside air.

Looking me up and down, she corrects her confusion quickly, offering a too cordial smile. “Abby. What’s up?” 

I look past her, the warmth of her room pulls me. “Is now a good time?”

Ellie turns to the side.  “Wanna come in?”

“No, no it’ll just be a minute.” My throat is dry, when I swallow it feels too loud. 

Shit.

“Everything alright?” She prods.

Should make this quick. “No. Yeah. It’s fine.” I rub the back of my neck. “So, there’s this thing at seven...”

“Right. Don’t even worry about it if you don’t wanna go, honestly I don’t even go to those things half the time.” 

My heart sinks and confidence wanes. The chance she’ll be planning to stay in. Didn’t think of the possibility, I was so wrapped up in my head.

I clear my throat to buy time between embarrassing myself. “It’s fine if you don’t want to, you can say no.”

Have to look at my shoes to get it out, away from green eyes that drill into me. “Maybe you’ll come?”

It sounds so dumb out loud, already kicking myself for it.

“Oh.” Ellie crosses her arms.

The pause is painful. When I’m able to meet her eyes again, I can tell I’ve caught her off guard.

I smooth my braid over my shoulder, play with the end between my fingers.

“Maria said it’d be good to show my face. Get people to relax more after all that mess with patrol. Just thought I’d ask if you would show.” I blurt out. 

“For sure. Yeah. I’ll be there...”

The weight in my chest drops into nausea, can’t tell if it’s relief or not.

She still has that intense stare that makes me feel like a rat in a lab. “Is that… is that it?” 

“Yeah.” The nervous laughter that comes out doesn’t play in my favor. Neither do my next actions. “Okay.” 

Can’t bear it a moment longer and I just bail. Turn away without a closing statement. Takes me back to how I acted last time I was at her place.

The embarrassment becomes anxiety. 

Now that I’ve gone and asked her the reality hits me, no longer a question of if, but when. 

I’m not back at the cabin long when Manny returns from his shift at the armory.

Maria has him oiling leather holsters and wooden gun stocks off patrol days.

“Man, I am ready to get drunk tonight.” Manny sighs, kicking off his boots.

I’m sitting on my bed, picking at my nails. “Long day sitting around?” I ask.

Manny scoffs and shakes his head. “I could ask the same. You look tired Abs.”

“Just a lot on my mind.” 

“I hear you. Things have been crazy.” He eyes me, trying to figure me out like he does. “What’s bothering you?”

Don't really want to get into it, mentally preparing myself to see Ellie tonight is enough to tie me up. Need to satisfy him enough to drop it.

“Just nervous about being around people.”

Manny nods, “You made a scene. It happens. People move on quickly when they’re drunk.”

“Sure.” I peel at the scabs on my knuckles, chew the inside of my mouth.

“Besides, it’s not like we’ll be here forever.” Manny takes his bun out and stretches out on his bunk.

“I know.” Despite that, it’s disappointing to be reminded. It was always the plan, get Ellie - return to the stadium. Something so simple has grown into such a mess.

“You having second thoughts?”

“What?” It startles me, how he crawls into my head.

“Abby.” The way he says my name is accusatory and knowing. 

“What?” I say it harsher the second time, lurching in annoyance. 

Manny holds up his hands defensively. “Easy. I’m just concerned for you. Coming back from patrol covered in blood and bruises. Telling us you’ve been fighting with her. And now she’s hurt, and that whole thing with that girl, Dina?”

So he saw all that. 

When he lays it all out, I can’t really deflect. Just cross my arms and look down.

Manny goes on, “I just want to know what’s happening with you. I know you have a soft spot for her, this can’t be easy.”

“I don’t-“ Don’t think he’s letting this one go. I close my eyes to breathe. Trusting Manny is easy, the hard part is knowing I’ll never hear the end of it. “I don’t know how to feel. About all of this, it’s just so…”

Confusing.

Manny turns on his side to face me from across the room. “And what about her?”

“What about her?” I throw back.

“She still wants to go through with it?”

“It’s Ellie. Of course she does.” 

“Then you need to accept that.”

“It’s not that simple, Manny.”

“It never is. Being human is complicated, just-“ He sits up. “Go easy on her when it comes down to it.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I’m just saying. I know you Abby. Things are hard to let go, it won’t be Winter much longer.”

His honesty feels brutal. All my thoughts catch, I will it to organize into coherence, but it all just stays there. I mean where do I even start?

It comes out in a rush, I just need to wipe my hands clean. No matter how annoying he is, I hate to admit he has decent insight. “We kissed.”

Admitting it finally shuts him up, but the silence is an all new discomfort.

I watch him go through several conflicting emotions, shock, concern, understanding, before it turns into a snide grin. “Okay… You have to admit, I fucking called it.”

Chapter Text

ELLIE

Originally I decided to make a quick and early appearance. Mingle. Give some of my remaining time here to the people of Jackson I’ve become so attached to. Grab some booze and disappear discreetly. 

Abby’s thrown a wrench in my plans, she seemed off, everything about it just wasn’t her. Since when does Abby care about making appearances? Not like she’d be staying long term in Jackson anyways. 

Still she seemed distressed. Least I can do is be there if it settles her nerves.

I throw my hoodie off to the floor and pick at the edges of the medical tape on my way to the bathroom. When it sticks too much I grimace.

Guess I should’ve done this when I was supposed to. 

Rip it off fast to get it over with. The old dressing pulls at the sensitive skin, I know it would’ve been worse to draw it out. Still hurts like hell and I grit my teeth. 

Discarding the yellow stained bandage, I examine the bite in the mirror. Scabs softened by the covering, I use a soaked rag to remove the excess infection. Anticipating the pain makes me reluctant to touch it. 

My reflection, a beaten and bruised face, I brush over the small scrapes- from when I was caught between a wall and a runner - red at the edges, but closed at least. 

That day has been coming through persistent in all my drawn out thoughts of Abby. Especially now tending my own wound, I’m brought back to the feeling of her hands pressuring the bite. A grave expression masking her poorly veiled panic. Talking me through it the way a trained medic does. If I'd been in that situation with anyone else I would be dead. Abby, ever insistent on keeping me alive, whether I want it or not. 

Rinsed and patted dry, new gauze and tape are in place. I throw on a fresh shirt and a faded blue flannel. Try not to fuss too much over my hair, pull it into a low bun like usual.

This’ll do. 

With the remaining few minutes I need to rally myself, I pace back and forth before finally settling at my desk. 

Sitting with my journal, I bounce my knee. Sketch the bite mark, make a blurb beside it,

[Fucking hurts.]

Drawing her is easy now. Her fear, her stoicism. Different from the fear she’d shown at my door moments ago. Make a drawing of her like that too - I see it now that I’m looking at her again, carving out the details with graphite. 

I’ve seen it on her before. When Manny makes a dig at her and it comes through as a clipped retort. Calling her out in front of her friends, a meekness that clashes with everything she is.

Insecurity. 

Because when you’re as strong as she is your only weaknesses are words.

I tap the pencil against the paper rhythmically before getting my thoughts out.

[Get this weird thing like I have to protect her. Shield her from everyone’s judgment now. I’m the only one that has that right. They don’t know what she’s done, they don’t know her like I do.

These things. It’s always boring as fuck. Don’t like dancing, fun to watch Dina take over the floor, but then it gets all sappy and slow. Always dip whenever that part of the night comes up. 

Not sure how I’ll feel seeing Dina there. Hoping things can still be the same. Have a feeling I’ll make things weird.

At least I have Abby to stick around. And her friends.]

I flip the pages closed and set the pencil aside.

-

Warm lights and joyful chatter flows from the barn. Cold snow, seeps through my canvas shoes, they’ll dry inside quickly. 

It’s early for me to be here, usually I take my time. Just thinking about Abby and the scrutiny of Jackson. Can’t stand the thought of them whispering about her. 

When I’m inside the people and sounds overwhelm my senses, I push through, making my way to the dance floor. Dina and Jesse are together, she gives a light wave, can see her disappointment still there. Pull a small smile and a nod in return. 

Fuck, it’s weird now.

Can’t blame her, it was a bold move, just feel shitty I couldn’t return those feelings. I’d say give it time to let things heal, but I don’t think we’ll have much of that left together.

“Hey Dina. Jesse-”

“Abby and her friends are all by the bar.” Dina says it flatly, a dismissal. 

Jesse gives her a look. She’s not acting her usual self,  I can tell she’s struggling to be around me. So I take the hint and give her space. Another day.

“Right. Have fun.” I say with another forced smile.

Manny is a bright beacon in the crowd, the women of Jackson have taken to him, all vying for some attention. But he just laughs with Nora and sips his whiskey without a care in the world.

“New girl!” Manny opens his arms and gives me a conscious pat on the back when I come up. “How's the shoulder?”

“Won’t be doing much dancing tonight.” Roll my arm slowly to emphasize.

His laugh is bright and rings with the sounds of the room, the strong smell of alcohol comes with it. “Maybe we can get Abby to dance for us.”

Nora’s laughter is giddy and unexpected, “I’d pay to see that.”

“Where is she anyways?” I look over the crowd but she isn’t among them.

Nora smirks, “Went to fill up.” Pointing with her thumb.

I turn to search for her, but she’s already there walking up to me in this off white button up that’s snug in all the right places. Have to steady my gaze.

“Ellie.” Her tilted smile sends a buzz through me. “Thought you got cold feet.”

Chapter Text

ABBY

Bruising on my neck, though faded, is still present. All while my mind is already a whirl of stress. The collar of my shirt should cover most of it, but the buttons keep slipping out of my sweaty fingertips, so I give up and leave it closed to the third one. Everyone has already seen the marks, no use in hiding them now.

Never dressed up for anything in my life, can’t understand why anyone would put themselves through the discomfort of formal clothes. The dark brown pants fit too loosely at my hips, but tight at the thighs, comfortable enough with a belt at least. Though the silver medallion buckle is a bit overkill. It’s all I was given to work with.

Manny and Nora are already there. Told them I’d be a few minutes, but I’m spending much longer fussing with the cuffs of my sleeves. These clothes Maria lent me aren’t much like anything I’ve worn, starchy and stiff, snug in all the wrong places.

I smooth my braid over my shoulder. Need to tear myself away from the mirror, or I’ll be fixing myself forever.

Make sure to take my time on the walk there, despite the slow frigid breeze that makes me shiver.

I'm still early. String lights drape across the ceiling. Upright bass and fiddle ring through the barn as a trio of musicians warm up. Not like any gatherings the WLF have. Usually we just do drinks and cards.

Someone brushes my shoulder, leaning against the bar beside me. “Hey Abs, where’s your date, you get stood up?” 

Manny…

My face twists. “Can’t give it a rest, can you?”

“Hey, just making sure we’re making good decisions, I’m not here to judge.”

“And if you were, I’d hold your opinion so highly.” I say sarcastically.

He bats the air and crosses his arms. “Come on, we’re at a party. Music, drinks… soon I hope. Let’s be nice to each other.”

I smirk. “You first.” That gets a laugh from him. 

Feels more like old times lately, with most of my crew too. When we first arrived here things were still so tense. Most of Manny’s banter had a harsh honesty to it. Nora’s edge was sharper. Mel didn’t want anything to do with me, now she approaches me at least; even if it’s with accusations. Owen is still Owen…

Nora chimes in from the other side of me, drink in hand. “For real though, what’s up with you and Ellie?”

“When did they bring the drinks out?” 

She just shrugs, swirling the golden liquid in her cup.

Manny and I read each other's minds with a single look, nearly stumbling over each other to fill our own glasses.

I take two measures of brandy, Manny matches me.

“Nora, Abs. Cheers.” Manny lifts his cup.

“To what?” Nora takes a sip, an insult to his request.

“I don’t know. We just need to get drunk.” He knocks back the drink without coming up with anything. 

“Cheers to that.” Nora finishes off hers.

I’m more reserved, taking a sip, tasting the foul liquid in full. “Agreed.” Keep my eye on the door.

“Who you waiting for Abby?” Nora’s not even trying to suppress a smile.

“No one!” My irritation is too apparent.

She pats my shoulder. “Just giving you a hard time.” 

At least she knows when to quit. Can’t count on Manny for that.

Dina shows up, Jesse follows. When she spots me she doesn’t leer at me like usual. Still not sure what to make of her. Our short interaction gave me more questions than answers, however much Ellie divulged has sated her for the time being.

More people start filtering in and the music picks up. 

Mel arrives, Owen still nowhere to be seen. She just sits by Jordan and Leah - those two showing some public decency for once, wonder how long that’ll last.

Really starting to think I did get stood up. 

Go for another sip, but I've emptied my cup. So I make my way back to the refreshments and choose one of the brown glass bottles crowded in a wooden box. When I crack open the lid it smells like some kind of spiced cider.

It's almost like the feeling of being watched, maybe a subconscious pick up out of the corner of my eye. Auburn hair up in its usual style, an open flannel rolled at the sleeves - her tattoo finally visible. A moth.

She’s already talking to Manny when I’m ready to make my way back. Laughing at something. Make note of her empty hand and fix a drink for her.

Hope that cabròn isn’t embarrassing me anymore than I already have myself.

“Okay.” I whisper to rally myself. 

Then she notices me, smiles, a timid wave. It makes my stomach drop, but I hold my composure.

“Ellie.” I clear my throat. “Thought you got cold feet.”

“Obviously I’m fashionably late.” She’s being cheeky. 

A thrum of warmth blooms in my chest at her crooked smile. Fingertips brushing when I hand off the glass of brandy, it nearly fries me.

I laugh it off. “Fashionably late, or late because you had trouble finding something half decent.” 

She looks nice and I don’t really mean what I say, but I need to veil my words under thick layers or I’ll be too exposed. 

Ellie scoffs. “Oh, you do standup now? I know you’re not talking” She glances down at my garish belt buckle. “Nice getup pardner.”

“Please, spare me.” I roll my eyes.

Manny cuts in, “I like cowboy Abby, you definitely could come off as one of those white ladies that likes horses a little too much.” 

“What does that even mean?” I say in exasperation.

Ellie takes a step back and looks me up and down. Feel vulnerable under her inspection, eyes prying at me. Makes my hands clammy.

“Why can I kinda see it?” She says.

Nora’s laughing at me, her cheeks rosy from the alcohol. Need to get Ellie away from these two before they start riffing off each other. 

Luckily any potential snide comments get interrupted by another fast paced song and cheers from the dance floor, the party finally kicking off.

Ellie has to shout a little over the noise, leans in closer to me. “I hate these things.”

“Why? Seems… fun.” I get the appeal, getting drunk, letting go for a night to loud bass-heavy music. You have to do what you can in this world to forget. But a night of blurred formalities and deafening noise doesn’t seem quite up my alley either.

Ellie nods, rolling her lips. “Just not my scene I guess.”

This is all for me, her being here. Of course if I’d known before, I wouldn’t have bothered her.

So when the song ends and a slower, sweeter tune picks up, the idea snaps into my focus like a revelation.

“How free are the stables right now?” I ask.

 Ellie sends an enduring inquisitive look my way, uncertain amusement. “Um, probably empty…”

That look is all I need to find resolve. “Wanna get out of here?”

“You wanna sneak out?” She glances around the room then moves even closer to whisper when she sees Tommy and Maria dancing nearby, “Where would we go?”

Smell the whiskey on her breath when it brushes my ear. Can barely blame the drinks for the way the room twists.

“There’s a place I have in mind.”

Somewhere me and the crew ran into on our way through the mountains. Somewhere she’d like more than here. “Up for a half hour ride?”

“You’re ridiculous.”

“I’m serious.”

She shakes her head in disbelief. “Yeah I know!”  

“So?”

Ellie lifts from the bar, gives the room a once over. “Hell yeah.”

I swallow the rest of my drink and let Ellie take the lead in front of me. She snags a few more bottles of cider on our way out.

Manny notices our rush to escape. “Have fun you kids.”

“Shut up. Don’t forget your bed time.” I throw back.

Fucking Manny…

She looks up at me a sly mumble rolling off her lips. “Don’t feel like dancing?” 

“You too. Shut up.” 

“You’re right there’s no way. You’d scuff up my shoes.” 

“You’ve already scuffed them up yourself plenty. Don’t you have a million other pairs? Fashionably late my ass.” 

“Yeah, but if you’re stomping on them I’m gonna run out.” 

“Good. Maybe you’ll get some real ones.” 

Her lips pull into a wide smile. It’s drawing me in and swirling up inside me. Have to ignore the internal reprimands that muddle my head, just for tonight at least. The alcohol helps take away the lucidity. I steal a bottle from her and pop it open on my belt.

“So, tell me where you’re taking me?” Ellie takes a sip from a bottle of her own, squinting her eyes after. 

“Secret.” 

“This is such a bad idea.” She shakes her head and laughs softly.

“Okay well if you wanna go back to the barn...”

“No way.”

-

It’s easy to disappear unnoticed. Grab our backpacks and coats, head to the stables to unhitch Shimmer. Ellie shows me the spot in the walls her and her friends use to sneak out. Once in the open, I help Ellie up onto the saddle then lift myself behind her. My arms reach around her sides to hold the reins and keep her secure, much like when I’d rushed her back to Jackson.

It feels much more purposeful this time, intimate. Just glad she can’t see my face turn red.

Riding over the dark landscape, up through a trail in the woods. The afterburn of brandy and cider keeps me warm. And our closeness…

We come upon the small building my friends and I holed up in for a night before we found the mansion. Weird that it’s been  a week since.

Once we’re inside, I slide off Shimmer to tie her up by the door. Then I reach for Ellie’s waist. It surprises her, can tell in the way she holds tight to my shoulders, bracing herself, but I set her down gently. 

Ellie shakes her head, laughs in disbelief.

“What?” I get defensive to cover my uncertainty.

“Nothing, you're just. Fucking strong.”

“You can admire later.” 

Ellie just rolls her eyes with that damn smile.

My arms widen to show off the place. “Well?”

“It’s a bookstore.”

“It’s a library.” I exaggerate an irritated shrug. “Remember? Salt Lake.”

“Right, our date.” 

Can’t tell what she’s trying to do with that one. Trying to get a rise out of me maybe. Testing me. I just decide to go with it, “Exactly.”

Chapter Text

ELLIE

Beyond the shattered glass of the window, a familiar pendant hangs from a corkboard. It has Eugene’s name on it, I flip it over and see it’s what I expected.

I angle it to show Abby. “It’s Eugene’s. You still have yours?”

She pauses before opening her backpack. Unzips the front pocket. Pulls a Firefly tag out by the chain, coiling it in the palm of my hand.

Flipping it to read her name, I roll the medallion around in my fingers. 

“Always wanted one of my own.” I say.

“Really?”

“Me and my friend. We’d talk about joining them together.”

“Right. Your Firefly friend.”

“Yeah. Well. We were kinda more than friends. I guess.” I rub the back of my neck. “Her name was Riley.”

“...Riley.” She repeats. “Don’t think I ever met her. Name rings a bell.”

“You two woulda liked each other.” 

Abby doesn’t let me hand it back to her, closes my fingers around it, hands warm on mine. “You always wanted one.”

“Yeah, one with my name on it.”

She rolls her eyes. ”Keep it anyway. Not like the Fireflies exist anymore.” She steps back from me, corrects herself, clears her throat. “Lights. Heaters. Gonna see where these cables lead.” 

When I catch up to her she’s efficiently tugging the starter cable of a generator. The lights come on and streaks beam between the floorboards. 

“Is there a way downstairs?” I crouch, try to see what’s beneath the cracks. 

“No idea. Didn’t notice any of this before.” She follows a wire leading from the gen socket to a closet. “There’s light coming out from under here.” Without my help at all, she’s able to push it to the side, revealing a wooden stairway.

“What do we have here?” Abby doesn’t wait for my answer as she descends into the basement.

“It’s obviously a sex den.” The room we find below is an array of indoor plant lights and constructed mesh panels held up by repurposed cinder blocks. Dead, dry leaves hang from the ceiling and wilt over pots. “Oh. Oh my god. It’s weed… Hey! He’s got that video tape thing.” 

I take the first on off the top of the pile. Don’t bat an eye at the titles until I read one out loud. “Dong of the wolf.”

“Uh, is that porn?” Abby says disturbed.

“Interesting taste, Eugene.” I snicker at her expense and place the tape back where I found it, moving on to a glass jar perched at the edge of one of the makeshift tables. “Score! Check it out.”

“Oh goody.” Abby mocks my enthusiasm.

Twisting the lid is no use, even when I’m puffing my cheeks with effort and using my knee for leverage.

Abby pulls off her coat watching me struggle. “Need some help with that?” She teases. Her laugh sparks a competitiveness.

“No, I got it.” I grunt. “Fuck.”

She snatches the jar away from me, grins when I glare up at her.

“Sure,” I scoff. “Like you’re gonna get it-” Just as the words leave me, the metal lid twists free with the succinct scrape of metal on glass. 

The corners of her mouth curl into a sardonic grin.

Taking my coat off too, I sit on the arm of the couch. “I loosened it for you.”

“If that makes you feel better.” Abby hands me a blunt.

Rest it between my lips and pull out my matchbox. “It would, actually, yeah.” I say out of the side of my mouth, lowering casually on the cushions, feet up.

Abby sits across from me, sips her drink, gets comfortable.

“Want your own?” I ask, shaking the jar.

“No, I wouldn't be able to finish it.”

“So?”

“It’d be a waste.”

The dry filter paper sticks to my lips after I take in a deep breath of smoke, the ember at the end brightens. Let it out through my nose, flip the blunt holding it out to her.

She leans forward to reach for it. Takes a short cowardly puff.

“Pussy.” I chuckle, taking the roll back.

She lifts a new cider from my bag. “I’m a lightweight.”

“Remember you being heavy on top of me.” I raise my eyebrows, take another pull.

The comment makes her visibly uncomfortable. Not sure if it’s over the suggestiveness or the reference to our fight at the outlook. I need to reel it back…

“Sorry, didn’t mean it like that. I’m saying you got some mass. It’s impressive. Or whatever.”

Her cocky smile creeps back in. “Was that a compliment?” 

“Don’t get used to it Anderson.”

“Last I benched was 205.” She brags.

“No way.”

Abby tilts her head smugly. “You saw my form with the jar.”

“Okay. Fuck off.” 

We’re both laughing now, in our capsule. She empties the bottle and I finish off my blunt. As I hand her a new cider, our touch lingers longer.

When I resituate myself, a fresh blunt perched on my lip, we fall into a standoff of silence. Neither of us shy away, we both just stare. An ambivalent nature to it.

She’s got this soft expression that pulls at me, but I can’t stray far from her eyes, or I’ll land at the speckles of her cheeks, the shape of her bottom lip. 

“So... “ Abby twists her jaw, can see her mulling something over. “What kind of women you usually go for?”

Coughing on my inhale, I struggle to clear my lungs. “Abby- what the fuck?”

“It’s a serious question!”

“…I dunno.” I shrug still catching my breath.

“You don’t know.” She smirks at me and stops slouching, leans in closer. Challenges me. Speaks low and even. “Or. Maybe you just can’t get any bitches.”

“Uh, I get plenty of bitches.” I retort.

Abby gives me a look of expectancy, as if to say, “Go on then.”

“Was with a girl named Cat for a little bit…” I trail off, tugging at my sleeve a little. “Gave me this tattoo” 

“Lemme see.” She eagerly shifts to the middle cushion, nudges my legs off to the floor. I give her a dirty look, but present her my right arm anyways.

“Covers up my old bite.” I trace the textured skin, a newer scar. “A chemical burn. Tried to hide the teeth marks at first, but it just looked ugly.”

Abby reaches her hand out. “Can I?” 

“Uh. Sure.” I hold my breath.

Her fingertips are calloused, but gentle in how they ghost over the lines and the ridges of the scar. “How long did this take? Did it hurt?”

“A couple months. Felt like I pissed off a nest of wasps.”

Abby chuckles softly. 

Steadying myself, the touch raises thin hairs. While she’s distracted, I watch her. Entranced by the ink, how she looks at it like a precious treasure. Moving with curiosity.

“You’re so fucking drunk dude.” My quiet chuckle startles her.

I’ve caused her to reconsider and I can’t help but miss it. 

“I’m just- admiring the art!” She says it defensively, but the look on her face just makes me grin while I stamp out the butt of my joint.

“So what about you?” I ask.

“What?”

“What kind of… guys do you like.”

Abby huffs, “Hard pass.”

“Wh- you can’t just pass!”

“Why not?” She raises her eyebrows, gives me that frustrating look.

“I answered your question.”

“You did. And I’m choosing to pass.”

“Fuck you.”

We’ve been here long enough now, the heaters have made it more than comfortable.

Starts with my flannel feeling too thick. A thin sheen of sweat Abby wipes from her forehead. Then she’s rolling her button up off thick arms, draping it over the end of the couch.

It’s the first time I’m seeing her without sleeves, the fabric of her dark t shirt cuffed tight around the bicep. Freckled skin twisting over hard lines under dim light. Initially alarming, but gradually, the longer I look, the more it just becomes fascinating.

Can only assume Abby doesn’t get the effect it has on me until she snorts. “What? You wanna picture?” 

“Wh- no!” Has to be telling how I flinch, try to keep my eyes anywhere but her. “I wasn’t.“

Abby leans down into her bag, digs through, and reveals an instant film camera. “Well, if you want one so bad...” She teases with a lilt.

“Oh, hell yeah.” A rush of welcome relief drops through me at the shift in attention, if just for a moment.

But then she crowds me on the sofa. Sitting so close, her body heat becomes a glowering presence. It can’t get more overwhelming, until Abby pulls the tie of her braid out. Untangles sandy hair over wide shoulders, combing through with her fingers.

She’s pretty. 

And when her pretty face looks down on me, smug, knowing, I have to redirect myself back to the lens.

The camera flashes. The film pops out. Neither of us retrieve it.

“Ellie.” 

It’s in her voice. I tell myself I’m wrong.

My heart hammers in my chest. Harder when I bring myself to face her again, our shoulders pressed together. Long golden strands grazing my cheek smell like pine. That same unwavering look I’m certain I’m reading into. When she leans down closer to me, I have to be. Even when her palm finds my cheek. When her thumb slides against my bottom lip. When she floats closer.

And when the camera is set aside, she lets out a breath like she’s relieved at the taste of cider and weed…

I’ve been in denial. 

I kiss her back. Careful. Barely breathing in between. Can feel her exhale, warm and rushed.

Parted lips lure me deeper, her tongue tethers me there.

For once, not trying to see her as what she did. She’s just her. And I can only hope I’m myself at this moment.

When we pull apart I’m almost brought back to my senses in a whiplash.

We shouldn’t.

That's all I can think. Only to be sent to a new place when her palms slide around my wrists.

We move together. Trying to find some control, a dance we know too well. But when Abby so easily falls to the cushions, loose hair surrounding her pretty face, my common sense abandons me. I climb over, so she’s straddled at the hips, hold her firm at the shoulders.

Through the atmosphere, Abby’s gentle laugh reels me back. “You trying to pin me? Hasn’t gone well for you. ‘Case you forgot.”

“I let you win.”

“Sure you wanna test that?”

We both know she can overpower me. Exhaust me. Shove me down easily, head pressed against the floor. 

But this isn’t a fight.

My hand slides over the fabric of Abby’s undershirt to hold her firm at the throat. “Shut up.” 

“Or what?” Her snide expression fades and she looks at me hazily. “You gonna bite me again?”

“I might have to.” I murmur.

I memorize her like this. Lips beginning to swell from our ferocity. The arch of her eyebrows relaxing into something more tender. Clouded with an emotion I imagine is a form of anticipation, of hard acceptance. Whatever happens now is out of both our control. 

A wolf is being tamed, and it is eagerly obedient. 

To my touch, soft but commanding. Turning her head to the side, I examine her neck in my hand, the faded bruises I’d left. 

I’ll make sure to leave a new one.

When the suspension is broken and my lips meet her pulse, I feel her jaw lower. Feel her breathe in while I worry a mark there. 

Calloused fingers clinging to my waist, just barely under my clothes.

Inspired by it, I find my own way to the bottom of her shirt. Past it, a chiseled form I would die to touch bare. But I’m hesitant, lingering at the hem.

Abby utters a single word between breaths. “Please.” Her eyes dare me. 

Firsthand, I already know how strong she is. A knee to her hard muscle, a brutal kick from her, a jab.

It all comes in frantic moments. Shirt bunched up over her chest, a bra thrown to the floor. God her fucking body. 

Feeling her in this new way gives me a new understanding. Soft against my palm. My mouth is on her. Her hands are all over me, tangled in my hair, sliding down my arms. Coaxing me to do more with this sound deep in her throat. A needy look that swallows me.

So I make her writhe with my tongue, make her push her chest into me. A red blush blooms there when my hands slide down, landing at the space just above her stupid belt buckle.

She props up on her elbows, watches impatiently until the cold metal clasp comes undone. 

I don’t wait to reach in, the thin garment past her waist hastily stretched aside. 

Abby's whole body jolts, a grasp finds my forearm and tightens. It’s spoken shaky and gasping, “I need more.”

That pleading expression alone is enough to goad me on. She lifts her hips to help me shake off her jeans. Discarded - somewhere. Eyebrows pinched together, her mouth opens as if to breathe, but she can still only shudder under sharp inhales. “-Hurry.”

I taste her bottom lip and I feel it tremble when I push two fingers in deep, past wiry blonde hairs. 

A delayed groan tears from her, a muffled sob brushes against my mouth. 

The only word she knows now is my name. It’s easy to make her say it and I’m anlready addicted to it. I take my name from her, each time my knuckles disappear. Each time I curl inside. When I find a fistful of her pretty hair and tug, despite how bad my shoulder protests. 

“Ellie. I can’t-“ She whines writhing into my pace.

“Don’t worry. I’ll get you there.” I whisper, eager to hear her desperate for me. 

I devolve Abby into a mess. Hair frizzed by the taut fabric of the couch she aimlessly claws at for hold. Salivating around my fingers.

Soft sounds grow into lingering moans “Ellie…Ellie…” She gasps with urgency. Chases my palm with her hips.

The cry catches in her throat, but returns drawn out and raw. She moves against me on nothing but instinct. Clings to me. Drinking me in with eyes that look like overcast. 

I can’t look away. There’s a release in me too.

As she quiets and goes limp, my fingers reappear, pruned and sore. We tangle ourselves in a rest. I stroke the hair away from her eyes and she opens them with a short flicker of something almost like fear. 

A damning thought creeps up on me. An understanding of our nature.

Chapter Text

ABBY

“You’re pretty like this.” Ellie praises me, raspy from another joint she’s burning through.

The concrete is hard against my knees, but I don’t mind it. Not when I get to see her looking down at me like I belong to her.

Swirling vapor spills from her lips, a hand pushes through my hair.

She groans, “Fuck. Just look at you.”

Can’t get enough of her taste, her words, her reverence, warm and fragrant. I slide my hands behind her, bring her closer. 

“Exactly.” Hips shift listlessly against my face, Ellie’s soft sighs rebound with each subtle movement. “Like that.” She whispers, slurring her words.

She’s fixated on me, and I watch her every move with intent. Make sure to give her everything she wants, until her eyes flutter and her head lolls back. Until grunts and low moans are cut short by hasty breaths and curses. Feel her quiver against my mouth, fingers firm on my scalp pulling me in.

Even when it’s over, I draw it out until it’s too much and she’s pushing me away.

Wiping my lips, I admire my work. How she moves languid in the aftermath of bliss. Sweat sliding down her stomach, catching her breath.

Ellie gradually refocuses on me, tugs lazily at my arm, “C’mere.” Guides me to her.

I rise between her legs and the cushions sink under me, thighs pressed on either side of her bare waist. Let my hands rest against the light freckles that cover her cheeks, so I’m looking down at her.

When she blows smoke at me I don’t retreat from it, just lean down so she can taste herself.

Ellie playfully bites my lip and grins at the dirty look I return. A hand slides down the curve of my back, comes around to rest at my hip. “Lay down.” She murmurs.

So I shift myself, situate my head to rest on her lap. I’m rewarded with her aimless touch. She continues to thread through my hair, a constant that makes my eyelids heavy. 

We’ve been in the basement of the library for hours, losing ourselves to this. Dawn will be here soon.

I’d initiated it recklessly, this shift in our relationship. It’ll change things moving forward. Wonder if she’s thinking the same thing.

For now I’ll try to stay in the moment, ignore the alarms firing off. Trace a line up her thigh to graze the junction of her hip.

But Ellie catches on, speaks to me so gently it’s almost painful. “What are you thinking about?”

Taking in a deep breath, I force my eyes open and lean up on my side, my hair sweeping over her legs. “Thinking about you.” I deflect with forced sarcasm.

Ellie chuckles softly, takes a long deliberative pull. Clouds roll up slow between us. “No really. I wanna know.”

A fading halfhearted laugh escapes me, but Ellie tries to be encouraging, a placid caress across my chest.

Still, when I speak, it comes out with an uncertainty. “What if… we did stay. Here in Jackson.”

Ellie puts her half smoked blunt out on the mesh table beside us.

Finding my voice, I continue, “We could forget about Seattle. I’ll talk to my friends, It'll be hard, but eventually they’ll understand-“ 

“I’m going, Abby.”

“But…” My eyes shy away from her. “Things are different now.“

“Let’s not talk about this.”

I’ve ruined it now, broken our idyllic bubble.

Her dismissal sends a hollow pang of regret through me. Been shut down by her in this way before, and it hurt, but not this much. Decide to let it be, an uncomfortable air of reservation already returning to us.

We don’t stay much longer after that. Silently dress and gather our things. Only exchange small words and stiff glances.

Once we’ve stealthily returned Shimmer to the stables and given her oats as compensation, we say an awkward goodbye to each other and part ways.

The walk of shame back to the cabins is a stark coldness in comparison to the evening.

Exhausted and hungover, I don’t even undress before dropping face first into the mattress. It’s indiscreet, and the sleeping bag on the bed across from me rustles.

Manny slowly lifts from it, clear that he had a night of his own. “Jesus Abby, where’ve you been all night?”

Really don’t need this right now…

“Nowhere.” Turning, makes my head throb against my skull, but I need to deliver my scowl. Willing him to not be Manny, for just this once. 

The message doesn’t get through to him and he wakes himself up, rubbing the sleep from his face. Manny laughs mirthlessly. “You’re such a player.”

“What are you even saying?” At least I can play dumb.

“So that hickey is nothing then.”

A memory flashes of her on top of me, lips on my neck. 

My face burns up. For a moment I consider lying, saying it’s one of the old bruises. Can only turn into my pillow and face away. "I need to sleep."

“Don’t you think this complicates things, Abs?”

“I don’t want to hear it from you. How many women you screwing at the stadium again?” 

“That’s different. I make sure they understand me, and I understand them. No messy relationships. Everyone’s happy.”

“And? Ellie and I understand each other.”

“You sure about that?”

“Yes!”

Still half asleep and likely feeling the consequences of being absolutely hammered, Nora interjects drowsily. “Can’t you two have your dick measuring contest some other time?” 

“Abby slept with Ellie.” Manny says plainly.

Nora shoots up from her state. “You didnt…”

“Nora, you owe me a bottle of mescal.”

Nora lurches in disgust. “How can you even think about drinking after last night?” 

I choose to ignore the little game they’ve made out of me, they’re lucky I don’t comment on it. “Can’t you two give me a break? It’s just sex.”

“Sex with a dead woman.” It’s apparent Nora’s pissed off, she says it to be harsh, it hits its mark.

“Nora-“ Manny tries to mediate.

“She needs to hear it.” Nora addresses me, direct. “Abby, we have to bring her back to Seattle. Now you’re all… entangled with her. What were you thinking?“

“Again it’s just sex!” I’m not anywhere near convincing. 

Nora and Manny exchange a look. They can see right through it, nothing I can say or do to keep this under control.

Pulling an all nighter has me dead tired, but I need the space from this. I push off my bunk roughly. Manny calls out after me, so I make sure to slam the door hard when I storm out.

Across the way, Owen is just now returning from whatever stupid bender he’s disappeared on.

Jesus fucking christ.

“Abby!” He rushes up to me with that desperate and disconcerting look he gets. “Abby, we need to talk-“

“Where the hell have you been?! Mel’s been up my ass looking for you.”

My rush of anger makes him reconsider his approach and he staggers in place. “Needed to clear my head for a couple days.”

“Glad you had a nice vacation.”

I know, despite my coldness, he won’t take the hint. At this point he’s choosing to ignore it. 

He looks at my neck. “What’s that?”

I’m quick to cover the mark, but it’s already too late.

“We didn’t come here so you could fool around, Abby!” He wavers for a moment, then speaks with a slow realization. "It's her. Isn't it?"

“Mind your own business.” Already I’m attempting to escape this, but he follows hot on my trail.

Speeding up my gait doesn’t shrug him off.

“Are you kidding me?!” Owen lashes out, I know this is an outburst he’s been bound to have with me. “You do understand what’s at stake here?”

Crossing my arms, I turn on my heel to glower down at him, preparing to shut down his lecture. “This doesn’t change anything!”

He laughs in disbelief, “Do you hear yourself?”

“Why do you care?”

“I don't mean anything to you, do I? This whole time...” Owen covers his face. "I thought maybe once we found her, things might be how they used to be. We could start over, but-"

For years after we broke up I've been repeatedly turning him down. This infatuation he has with me has gotten out of control. I scoff, “Don’t you have a baby on the way? Maybe you should focus on that instead of… whatever fantasy you've been making up about me.”

“…Did you ever care about me?”

It’s brash and will probably only cause more problems, I push him hard and he falls backwards into the snow.

“You’re being a little bitch Owen.”

Hopefully I’ve injected enough venom into my downward sneer. The annoyance I’ve held has evolved into disdain, any advance at this point won’t end well for him.

Something somewhere has answered my prayer. He stays down for once, looks up at me like I’ve betrayed him or something. He’s lucky I don’t beat the shit out of him, as if he even deserves that much attention from me. 

“Go talk to Mel, she’s fucking worried sick.”

I leave him there on the ground where he belongs. Try to find someplace I can actually be alone to think.

-

Eventually I just wander myself back to the stables. Pull a stool and sit by Shimmer's stall. She snorts and clomps over to me, pokes her head over the gate.

"Hey Shimmer." I coo at her, reach up to let her nuzzle in my palm. "Did you get lots of snacks earlier?"

I smooth over the blaze down her snout and she nips at me excitedly.

"Easy. Sorry girl, don't have any more. I'll bring some next time." I pat her neck, but she just brays and lifts her head defiantly, offended that I've come empty handed.

"You too, huh?"

Chapter Text

ELLIE

[Spring]

For the first time since October it rains. 

Abby and I hand Shimmer off to the stables. An uneventful patrol out past the ski lift, the last area snow covers the entire ground. 

We’ve made a ritual. Go on our route, meet up after, read, talk about nothing, whatever. Stay preoccupied. 

Around town, built up piles shoveled from the roads are melting. Thick winter coats, replaced by wind breakers and sweaters. The markets have more game than they can sell.

“Should get some mule deer before it gets turned to jerky.” I say.

Abby hikes her backpack in place, holding tight to the straps. “Don’t wanna wait in line. Can we do it later?” She complains.

“Like you’ve got somewhere to be.” 

“Let’s just get out of the rain.” She nods her head for me to follow. “Have something for you.”

-

We leave our shoes at the door as we huddle into my place to get dry. The mist collecting on her clothes, leaves a thin sheen of water on her skin. 

Abby hastily folds her jacket over her arm and slings her bag down in front of her.

“Found this at that library. Wanted it to be a surprise, but couldn’t wait.”

She hands me the 14th volume of Savage Starlight, a bit crinkled and damp, watches me attentively as I take it.

I try to sound indifferent, a grin I can’t suppress likely gives me away. “You’re such a sap.” 

Abby breathes out through her nose and raises her eyebrows like she’s proud of herself. “You’re welcome. Happy early birthday.” She walks past me, smooths a hand over my shoulder.

We’ve been closer since the library. There’s some unspoken agreement not to talk about it. That or we’re both too scared of what it meant. We haven’t done anything else impulsive. But it’s there between us. Stolen glances, casual touch - too affectionate to be friendly, too guarded to mean anything.

When we settle inside, she kicks her feet up on the coffee table tucking into the corner of the sofa; her usual spot. Flips open her book, The Divine Comedy; talked my ear off about Inferno last week. 

For a comedy it doesn’t seem very funny. More depressing and boring as hell. No pun intended.

I stretch out, perch my legs over hers, she rests her elbows on my shins. Been waiting forever to read the final edition, but I can’t give it my full focus. Things are going to change again soon, not ready for that.

Have to wonder how much it weighs on her. Already know her current stance. She’s abandoned something she’d tried to convince me was her conscience.

We could leave any day now. Feels like it should be her responsibility, not mine. She brought this on me. 

Abby turns the page quietly in calm concentration, she gets like that. Completely absorbed. Her eyes dart over the words. It leads me to follow the ridge of her nose, the soft curve of her chin. She absentmindedly smooths away wet hairs.

It’s become a problem. Lately, when I can’t sleep I think about her. When I drift off I dream of her. Hands, abrasive on me. Gentle on me. A touch no matter its nature that brings something out of me, unrefined at its core.

It’s murky and dangerous. She’s a blemish on my otherwise easy choice. I’ve let her get too attached. I’ve become too attached. 

“What do you want?” Abby startles me. Still fixed to her page. “Can’t pay attention when you’re looking at me like that.” 

“…sorry.” I mumble, turn back to my own reading.

She sighs, looks me up and down, knocks my legs from her lap.

My heels hit the hard floor. “Ow! You lost my place, asshole!”

“Your place.” Abby scoffs. “How many pages does that thing have? Twenty?”

“Usually thirty...”

Abby smirks. Licks her thumb and flips to the next page. “Bummer. Let me know if you need help counting that high.”

“Sorry I don’t like staring at walls of text.” I say.

“It’s called imagination, not all of us need pictures to do the work.”

“You’re such a dick.” I laugh quietly. 

We both return to our respective literary preferences. But I can’t resist. It’s always easy to tell if something’s up with her. Brow creased, chewing the inside of her mouth.

“You good?” I ask cautiously. 

Abby flicks her eyes to me, contemplates, purses her lips. “We should talk about it.”

“Uh, about what?” My stomach drops.

She rolls her eyes like I’m the problem. “The cure.”

My face falls, click my tongue reluctantly. “I already told you…”

“We should start thinking about leaving. Planning.” She cuts in.

…

“Thought you said you didn’t want me to.”

Abby scoffs. “Well yeah. Of course I don’t want you to.”

“Wow, okay.”

She folds the corner of the page she’s on, snaps her novel shut. “You don’t want me to tell you to go, don’t want me to ask you to stay. Not gonna keep beating myself up over it.” 

“Glad you’ve made your peace with fucking over my decision.” I’ve walked us through what we’ve danced around for months. Not gracefully either. It’s a cheap shot and I know it.

Abby just has this wounded look.

“This again.” She stands abruptly, paces with her hand over her mouth. “What about your friends? Joel?” 

I sigh, flip my comic on the table. “They’ll be better off in a world with a cure.”

“I wouldn’t be.” 

“You can’t actually believe that.” I say. It’s nearly rhetorical. 

She shifts her weight, looks everywhere except me. Her eyes flicker down, twisting her jaw the way she does when she’s defeated. “You don’t owe the world a cure.” 

“You were the one that came and found me.”

Abby gets quiet, sinks into frustration. She places her hands on her hips, catching her digression in the wrong direction. Speaks clipped, detached and pissed off. “If I’m not enough to stop you. This is what you want. So. You should do it.”

She’s arrogant. Grasping at straws. The Firefly I once knew has vanished. 

“You’re such a hypocrite.” I say.

It comes from her in a rush. “I care about you.”

Have to close my eyes when she says it, turn away from her. The feeling it fills me with, bubbling hot and seeping. She’s trying to wipe her hands clean, as if it undoes everything. 

“…Ellie.” She, drifts closer. Tone suddenly retiring its accusatory temper. Tries to reach for my arm.

I smack away the gesture, shove her from me. 

Abby steps back. Her calf knocks the edge of the table. Astonished, like she didn’t have it coming. 

Feeling the heat of her on my palms. That condescending look on her face. 

It only takes a stride to grapple her. We both fall. She winces when her back hits the wood surface, books tumbling off. I’m fisting at her shirt, she’s tugging the back of the mine. She twists, rolls us both to the floor.

Abby’s off the ground, easily untangling from me. Backing up, she breathes hard. Speaks to me with infuriating contempt. “I’m not doing this again.”

Like she didn’t get me here. 

I nod slowly, “Yes you will!” Flip out my switchblade. An impulsive empty threat. 

She shakes her head, tries to play it off with a hurt laugh and a shrug. Tries to keep her voice even, but it cracks at the end. “You serious?” 

It makes me angrier. That she can see what this is, through me. And I must be perverse to want this. But I don’t care, just ram my forearm against her chest, pin her against the wall by the bathroom door, knife pointed at her throat. 

Abby lifts her chin looking down at the blade. She swallows hard, tries not to move.

A small bead of blood slides down and collects in her collarbone. The sight makes me recoil from her, metal clatters against the floor.

Abby palms at the nick, pulls away to see a smear of red. That shocked look of betrayal penetrates me. A flash of anger, the silent spilling of tears. Her chest heaves, teeth gritted, brow twisted in agitation.

Then she paces, circling me. Approaches with this domineering sneer. One single movement gets her close, hooking her elbow high for a full swing that won’t give mercy. 

For a second my vision goes black, under the blurred pain. The impact of meeting the floor grounds me, cold against my face. Slowly, I lift myself to my hands and knees. Head throbbing. Then red on cement. It drips from me like a leaky tap. Cupping my face doesn’t help the flow. 

I’m left with nausea, reflexive tears that make me look weak, a ringing in my ears. I spit my blood out on the floor.

I’ve always made her the target of my aggression. Always me pushing her. I hadn’t realized how much consideration her fists had during it all. It’s a fucked up kind of care I didn’t think I would miss.

Chapter Text

ABBY

“It’s not broken.” I reassure her. 

“I know.” She says nasally.

A thin stream down her upper lip spatters on the white tile. I’ve sat her on the lid of the toilet, leaning her forward. Make sure she’s pinching her nose firm. 

Been keeping it together since I’ve come here. Mediating. Just taking it. Ellie pulling that knife brought me to an exhaustion. 

Thought we were past this.

The faucet drones while I wet a towel. Wipe the blood from her, tilt her head to make sure it’s clotted. When I graze the swollen bridge of her nose, her eyes squint.

“Sorry.” I make some distance. Turn on the sink to quietly wash the stains from the rag.

“Can I get that in writing?” From the corner of my vision, Ellie glares at me. It doesn't even burn like it used to, just surrounds me like hot coals. 

I fully meet her eyes, vivid moss against the redness. There’s no softness to them, as if she could cut with a look alone.

It comes out from me harsh, with a mock tone of amusement. “Like you’ve been such a saint.”

There’s something wrong with her if she thinks I should feel bad after all that. I tried respecting her decision, tried to be pliable, follow her lead.

That wasn’t enough. Nothing I do is enough for her. She’s already told me that though.

“You don’t get to be mad at me.” Ellie doubles down, stands up to face me. Lip twitching in annoyance.

“You’ve been provoking me like it’s some kind of game…” I look down at her, jaw set. “Your handprints were on my fucking neck for a week.”

Raise my voice, point at the long mark that’s made a permanent indent across my cheek. “Bit me, put a scar on my face!” I have to  laugh. “And a fucking knife? Really?”

She recedes from me when I move closer, confidence waning. “Maybe that’s what happens when you fuck someone over, Abby.” 

Thats what it all boils down to. She thinks she has some claim over me, because of one action I made. “We were kids.” I whisper. “I deserved all that because I didn’t want you to die for something that might not work?”

“I have to do this.” She says faintly.

My hands wring out the towel, squeeze by her in the crowded space to hang it over the tub. “I’m not stopping you.” Even though every part of me wants to. 

In Utah she’d unburied something, tucked herself inside that space. It’s probably what brought me here in the first place. Jackson has settled me into that old corpse, a version of me who’d walk beside carnage to see her safe.

Anything.

Those years after when we were apart made me a certain way. Tired. Searching. Free of purpose. So lost I had to cling to the dead ghost of the cure to feel anything.

I brought it back on her. Haunted her with it. And now, if she goes for real she’ll take more of me with her. 

I’m not what I’d promised her I would be.

Worse, it doesn't change the way I feel. Leaving it at this feels wrong.

All of this is wrong. 

She nods her head slowly, says her next words quiet, “Let your friends know we’ll leave in the morning.” 

Just hearing her say it has me thrown into an internal frenzy, my chest tight.

She wants to go tomorrow.

This is it.

She says something else to me, but it’s far away. Have to cling to the sink, keep myself under control. 

Im not ready for this. 

When she stands and excuses herself without another word, I stop myself from following after her.

Makes me flinch when the front door slams.

Her voice replays in my mind. “You’re such a hypocrite.” 

It’s true. I’d come here asking so much of her, handing her back what I’d stolen, rekindled a purpose she had long parted from. Only to go back on it.

I shouldn’t have come here.

My breath catches. “Shit.” Silent tears fall into the sink.

In a blur of frustration, I dash the soap dish against the mirror. A splitting web cracks from the center of my reflection. 

-

When I tell Manny and Nora, they look at me with pity. It irks me. It’s sudden, I know they want to ask why on such short notice. 

I’m glad they don’t.

I’m too embarrassed to say, the scratch on my throat and Ellie’s face will tell them enough.

Owen and Mel are staying. Haven’t really spoken to either of them in a while, besides involuntary small talk. Obvious when they open the door I’m not a welcome surprise for either of them.

Mel’s starting to show and Maria’s offered them a place here to settle down.

Wishing Ellie and I could do the same is something I have to keep from ruminating on. A bitter fantasy.

There’s no patrol to buffer it. The reality is here now and I have no choice but to accept it.

With four on board, including Jordan and Leah. I’m headed back to Ellie’s now with Manny and Nora to tell her the news. If she’s even there.

Afraid to talk to her again.

Scared I’ll say something wrong, or won’t be able to keep it together.

I roll my fist into my palm as we come up on Joel’s fence. A few are gathered nearby. Muffled shouts coming from inside have drawn attention. 

Joel’s voice comes through. “You can’t keep starting these stupid fights with her!” 

Then Ellie storms out of his house, lets the back door shut hard. She hesitates in her tracks at the sight of an audience.

When she locks on me, she puts her head down. Tries to escape.

“Ellie!” Joel pushes through following close behind. “You are not doing this.”

She doesn’t slow her pace, or even look at him.

“If this is about proving a point-“

“What point would that be, Joel?” She makes a sudden stop. An empty invitation. 

He lowers his head, ashamed. Looks around nervously, worried his past actions will be brought to light.

“Yeah…” Ellie scoffs, turns, keeps walking.

Joel stutters, fails to wear the tone of authority fully. “We’ll talk about this in the morning, when you’re thinking right.”

“You can’t stop this.” Ellie shakes her head at him, glances at me. Gets the last word in, leaves us all to stand in the aftermath of her fiery trail.

How Joel stares at me after is unsettling. Like he’s willing me to disappear where I stand.

-

Ellie’s not in a place to speak with me. Hard to give her space, but it’s what she needs. I probably need it too. But, when we walk in to retrieve our guns and gear, I hear Maria from the other room. That low scrutiny I’ve come to recognize her for.

“Word around is you attacked her.”

Dina chimes in. “Well that’s not Ellie’s fault.” 

I draw closer until I view the scene from around the corner. Maria’s leaning on the table. A demanding posture aimed at Ellie and Dina. “You knew about this.” She states.

Dina glances up at Ellie and nods. “Yeah.”

Maria sighs. Crosses her arms. “Some parents are concerned. More than a few.”

“Joel’s not happy either.” Ellie sneaks in. Trying to redirect her attention.

“So you’ve made a choice.” 

Can see Dina steeling herself.

Ellie lowers her voice, “I have.”

Maria nods again. Cold eyes snap to me. She pushes off the tabletop, her look drawing Ellie and Dina’s focus. 

I clear my throat, look at the floor. “Just here to get our things…” The oppressive air doesn’t have room for my small words. 

Ellie breathes out, rolls her eyes. “Oh my god.”

Dina somehow looks like she feels bad for me. At the same time uncomfortable with my presence.

“Of course.” Maria, looks between Ellie and I as she steps out and into her office, “Don’t break anything while I’m gone.”

Leaving me with the tension that’s built here. Ellie won’t look at me. Dina can’t stop staring. 

When Maria comes back it feels like a godsend. Bringing out the duffels in pairs, all six thud on the table.

Maria watches Ellie from the side of her eye, brings them back on me. “If this is all you need, I have to finish business with these two.”

”No we’re done here.” Ellie breaks in.

Maria argues back. ”Ellie-“

”Just make sure Joel doesn’t fuck this up.”

”Ellie!” Maria isn’t used to being talked to this way. But Ellie is on a rampage, anyone who is an obstacle, or puts up resistance will feel it.

She’s off again. Storming out to who knows where. The quiet she leaves behind doesn't feel any better. It looks as if Dina’s barely holding it together. Maria’s clearly had it, surely she’s tired of anything related to me and my friends.

I’ve brought nothing but trouble to Jackson. This place has made me into a leech, feeding on her attention, taking it from the people that really know her. That really care. My presence hasn’t allowed me to see it in its natural state. A paradise I’m not meant to be a part of. 

“You mean a lot to her you know.” Dina’s voice is strained. She stands, makes to follow Ellie. Probably the only person that actually has the right. “Just keep her out of trouble.”

Like she knows Ellie will run headfirst into danger whether I’m there or not. Need to be absorbent of whatever comes her way. What I was already supposed to be for her and failed.

I nod, heavy with all that today has been.

Maria sighs, shakes her head in contrast. Leans back to think without a word.

Makes me feel that guilt in full. “I didn’t mean for any of this.” I say weakly.

Steel eyes expose me. A pained smile comes to the surface, “What other intentions could you have coming here?” 

My intentions weren’t honest, I came trying to redeem myself somehow. Like throwing Ellie back into this was my salvation.

Now that I’ve torn past that facade, I see it was all a thin excuse, I never meant to do right by her. Never had a working moral compass, only governed by my own shame. Using her to rekindle my vanishing grace.

Only wanted to see the light again. And I’ve found it, but in doing so my touch will extinguish it for good.