Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

beautiful stranger, here you are in my arms

and I think it's finally safe for me to fall

He’d been drinking alone, hunched over the bar with one stool empty between them. Aleah didn’t remember how they’d started talking, but somewhere between her third and second drink, his gaze had fixed on hers. They’d eased into conversation as softly as water slipped between rocks. He had an easy smile, friendly. Scruffy beard and brown hair that was peppered with streaks of grey. 

She couldn’t tell if it was laugh lines or stress that creased his eyes, but Aleah liked to think it was the former. They were hazel, she realised, on the darker side and difficult to look away from. Aleah got the feeling that he was the type to stare at someone long enough until they divulged all their deepest, darkest thoughts. 

Maybe, if she drank enough, she’d be one of them. 

‘Rough day at work?’ She’d asked. 

‘You could say that,’ he’d said, and something flickered in his gaze. A dimness that she didn’t much like, because it almost made him wilt. She preferred him smiling. ‘I’m off for the weekend.’

Hence the third bottle of beer. They didn’t touch on work again after that.

‘I grew up here, but I only just moved back.’ Aleah had said, and he’d listened intently. Like everything that fell from her lips was enrapturing. His chin rested in his palm, gaze tracking every detail of her face. It made her spill more than she’d wanted to. ‘My dads sick, I don’t know if he’ll get better.’

‘You two close?’

Aleah laughed, ‘not really, he’s a bit of an asshole... But family’s family, you know?’ 

‘That I do.’ He sighed out, running a hand through his hair. 

It looked soft, and she wondered what it’d be like to yank on the strands while his tongue was between her thighs. Maybe it was the fourth drink, or maybe it was the fact he was hot, and looking at her like every word that left her lips mattered, but she erased that empty seat between them. 

‘So, why is someone as hot as you alone right now?’ 

He barked out a laugh, shaking his head. Aleah liked the sound of it, and she got the feeling he didn’t give them out so easily. 

‘You flirting with me?’

‘Trying.’ She shrugged. 

They stared at each other for a beat, as if he expected her to fold and retreat. He looked away first. ‘You must be half my age.’ 

‘I’m thirty.’ She sat up, angled her knees toward his own. It was definitely the drink. 

‘I’m pushing fifty, kid.’ 

‘I like older men.’ 

‘Dating isn’t something I have time for in my job.’ 

‘Who said anything about dating?’ 

She’d gone almost a year without sex, a relationship wasn’t exactly the first thing on her mind. Plus, between starting her new job on Monday and her dad, a boyfriend didn’t exactly fit well into that. She got the feeling that he wouldn’t like being called a boyfriend, either. It was too flimsy, too young for what he could be to her.

He paused for a long time, as if he knew this was probably a bad idea. Perhaps it was, but those were the best kind of nights, right? Thank god there were condoms in her nightstand. 

He reached out a hand, ‘Robby.’ 

Aleah couldn’t help it, she laughed. ‘This a business meeting?’ Shaking his hand, she added ‘I’m Aleah.’ 

‘I prefer to at least know the name of someone I’m gonna spend the night with.’ 

He made it all sound so civilised, but the way he was looking at her; heated, conflicted, unable to look anywhere else. That made her think he’d fold her in half like a fucking pretzel. If she had to guess, it had been a while since he’d blown off steam, too. 

‘My apartment is a block away.’

Robby waited until after her door closed to latch his lips onto her neck from behind, fingers hungry and searching as they wrapped around her waist and dove beneath her shirt. A juxtaposition to the reserved, almost gentlemanlike behaviour at the bar and on the walk back.

She loved both. 

Her soft moans, and hitched breaths, seemed to stir something in him, because they barely shuffled off their shoes and got to the end of the hallway when he pushed her up against the wall. 

‘I guess you are pushing fifty.’ Aleah laughed as she heard the crack in his knees when he sunk to the floor.

Robby nipped at the skin of her hip bone, ‘that mouth’s gonna get you in trouble.’ 

His fingers were meticulous, smooth in unbuttoning her jeans and pulling them down with her panties. His thumbs ghosted down her thighs, to her knees, and then calves. He pulled her jeans from her ankles gently, lips caressing the flesh of her thighs and eliciting a wave of goosebumps that climbed up her spine. It shot a bolt of pleasure straight to her core.

Fucking hell, he hadn’t even really touched her yet.

His eyes briefly tracked the open plan living room and kitchen, littered with unopened boxes. She noted he didn’t say anything about it, not just yet, at least. He was too busy pulling one of her legs over his shoulders. Gripping her thigh to hold her there. 

Robby’s thumb dipped into Aleah’s wet folds, and it ripped a sharp, breathy moan from her lips. 

‘Barely touched you, and you’re dripping for me.’ His voice had taken an edge. Laced with a hunger she didn’t know how to handle, she could imagine getting lost in it to the point of drowning. 

And she’d love every second of it. 

‘Please,’ she whined, fingers digging into his hair. 

‘Please, what?’ He said, lazily rubbing circles into her clit. 

‘Pl-please eat my pussy.’ She’d be mortified if she wasn’t so desperate for him. 

‘Good girl,’ he mumbled, his tongue licking from her entrance right up to her clit in one, slow and hot stroke. 

‘Fuck!’ She groaned, head banging into the wall. ‘Fuck, Robby!’ 

He ate her out leisurely, with an intention that she hadn’t experienced before. Robby’s strokes were not light, nor teasing. His tongue pressed into her so that every stroke into her clit felt tortuously good. Rubbing back and forth, working her up until pulling back to dip inside her. Almost like he was figuring out what she responded to, his gaze never leaving her face. Shit, if he was this good the first time, she’d gladly fucking be his research project. 

He littered praise between licks, generously and with sincerity. Like she was a prized possession. 

‘Taste so good, gonna make this perfect pussy come on my tongue and fingers so many times.’ 

She was barely holding it together by the time Robby slipped two fingers into her. The sound of it was so obscene and dirty that he only had to curl his fingers, and rub her spot twice before she exploded. Slick gushed out of her as she screamed, fingers fisting his hair so tightly as her vision dotted. 

Yet, Robby kept going, sucking her bundle of nerves between his lips until her body convulsed with another, more intense orgasm. 

‘Oh- oh god! ’ 

Forcing his head away became necessity, because Aleah was pretty fucking sure he’d have gone on for longer. Until she probably passed the fuck out. Pulling him up, she latched her lips onto his own. Tasting herself on him, feeling her slick all over his beard. It was the hottest fucking thing she’d done.

‘Fuck me. Now.’ She panted, her answer was a fist around her neck. Halting her from going in for another kiss. 

Robby’s dark eyes, almost black and heavily dilated, zeroed in on hers. His jaw was set, like he was holding everything back. She wanted him to let go. 

‘Ask nicely.’ He ordered, and the gravel beneath his voice sent a shiver from the base of her neck right down her spine. 

Why would she fight that? 

‘Please, fuck me.’ She said, before gripping onto his wrist. ‘Happy, now?’ 

‘Brat,’ he mumbled, but it was void of annoyance. Aleah even thought he sounded turned on. 

‘Take me to bed, old man.’ 

He’d fucked her twice in a row; the first was fast, relentless and hard. Impatience had gotten the best of them, but Aleah had liked it that way. He’d held both her wrists in an iron grip above her head, and had slid into her in one hard, fast movement. 

She’d screamed until her throat had gone raw. Robby hadn’t been so vocal, but Aleah swore she almost came again when he’d buried his head into her neck and bit down on her skin to stifle his moan as he’d spilled into the condom.  

The second time had been slower, languid and still hard. Her hands had been freed to run through his hair as she sat on his lap, legs wrapped around his waist as he’d guided each stroke with his hands on her hips. That one had been intense, far more intimate than she’d anticipated. Their heads had pressed together, her eyes latched onto his until she’d climaxed and let her head fall back. Robby had planted kisses on her neck until she’d ridden out the rest of her orgasm and he'd grunted his own release into the curve of her shoulder. 

Somewhere between three and four in the morning, they lay facing each other. Robby’s fingers had been running through her tight curls, careful when snagging on a tangle. She liked the way he treated her, a mix of roughness for the sake of pleasure, and gentleness for the sake of comfort. 

‘Tell me something about you.’ She’d whispered, unsure of what made her want to ask. 

Maybe it was the sadness that seemed ever present in his gaze, the type of sadness that embedded itself deeply into your bones, one that you carried with you. She recognised it intimately. 

Robby’s sigh was quiet, and his gaze tracked her cheekbones, the curve of her bare shoulder. Her bedroom was dark, but a slither of moonlight broke through her curtains, casting a glow on both of them. He was so damn beautiful, it made her lose her breath. 

‘I have a stepson.’ He paused. ‘He’s eighteen, a good kid.’ 

‘You’re not with his mom anymore?’ She probably should have checked that before bringing him home. 

Robby shook his head. ‘It was a long time ago.’ 

‘But you and him stayed close?’ 

He nodded. 

‘That’s really sweet.’ She said, fingers reaching to touch his jaw. ‘Did you ever want more? Kids?’ 

‘Sometimes,’ he said, taking hold of her hand. She felt him freeze, almost imperceptibly, as his thumb traced a vertical scar at the base of her wrist. ‘I think that time’s passed.’ 

He looked at her with melancholy, but not pity, and it overflowed with affection. A benignity that made her want to burst into tears then and there. Fear suffocated her, so she retreated. 

‘Lots of old dudes have kids.’ Aleah joked. 

The sadness in his eyes was briefly eclipsed with humour. ‘What did I tell you about that mouth?’ 

‘What? I’m being serious! About nine percent of fathers are over the age of forty-’ She laughed when he yanked her closer, fingers digging into her stomach and eliciting laughs. He’d found out quickly that she was ticklish. 

‘Wait, stop! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Robby! ’ 

It took two more apologies before he relented, and Aleah stayed on his chest, fingers tracing the hair on his torso. His fingers caressed the skin on her forearms, and he raised one wrist to plant a kiss on her scar. Robby didn’t say anything else, didn't really need to. There was an understanding, a fragile, tender affection in his gaze as she watched him plant another kiss on her scar, before picking up her other wrist and doing the same thing. Her stomach warmed, filling with something that she felt was way too early to call love. They just retreated into their silence. It was comfortable, peaceful. As if they could be exactly who they were without the need for a veneer of politeness. A false smile that took more energy than it should have. Though, whenever Aleah smiled, they were genuine. 

‘I’m sure you’re a great dad.’ She eventually said. 

‘I could be there more.’ He shrugged. ‘I’m trying to be.’ 

‘That’s better than most.’ She said quietly. 

Robby’s eyes softened toward her, and he waited a beat before speaking. 

‘You said you’re not close with yours?’ 

‘God,’ Aleah groaned, ‘could I be any more of a cliche right now?’ 

Fucking a father while moaning about her own barely present one. How original. 

Robby’s laugh was soft, gentle, but he said nothing. He knew she was deflecting. Perceptive bastard. 

‘No, we’re not. My older sister is his favourite; followed in his footsteps career wise, didn’t stall and drop out of college for three years like I did. I eventually went back, but I don’t think he ever forgave me.’ 

‘Why did you drop out?’ Robby’s tone was gentle, almost cautious in his asking. 

Aleah got the feeling that if she told him to back off, he would do so without question. With apologies. 

‘My mom killed herself, and I just… didn’t see the point in anything for a really long time. Nothing mattered to me anymore. I just- I didn’t see the point in existing without her, so I didn’t give a fuck about college. I didn't give a fuck about anything.’ 

Aleah didn’t realise she’d started crying until Robby’s fingers gently wiped away the tears on her cheeks. Over and over again, patiently, as they freely flowed. 

‘My dad just… carried on like nothing had happened. We just didn’t grieve in the same way, and I guess it just made us angry at each other.’ 

‘You said he’s sick?’ Robby’s urge was as tender as his caresses, it held together the small cracks in her tenuous resolve. She hated how this had basically become a fucking therapy session. 

‘Stage three, oesophageal cancer. He’s smoked for literally decades.’ 

Robby didn’t push further, it was like he sensed that Aleah had gone as far as she could. Instead, he sat up, leaning against the headboard and pulled her to his chest. She went willingly, letting him stroke her curls softly, while the tears flowed and slowly eased away. 

Ten minutes could have passed, or maybe it was an hour. Aleah felt like her room was a time capsule, temporarily making every moment with Robby feel simultaneously too long and short. She didn’t want to leave it, to burst the bubble on this little, fragile thing that burgeoned between them. 

‘I had a mentor that I… lost.’ Robby’s voice broke through the silence, chin trembling from where it rested atop her head. ‘He wasn’t my dad, but- uh… we were real close. He died in COVID.’ 

‘Robby, I’m so sorry.’ She tried to move, to look up at him, but Robby’s grip didn’t loosen. 

‘Taught me everything I knew,’ he paused, ‘Wouldn’t be half the man I am if it wasn’t for him.’ 

Her fingers squeezed around his biceps, offering the only comfort she knew how to give. The admission felt raw, vulnerable, and if the way Robby’s throat cleared while he inhaled a deep breath, Aleah surmised it was something he never spoke about. Couldn’t speak about. 

She recognised it for what it was; an offer of admission. Extending an olive branch. Something that met her in the middle of that horrible chasm of overwhelming sadness and loneliness, and Aleah did not take it for granted.

‘I watched him die, and I couldn’t do a damn thing.’ 

She pulled herself out of his grip, sitting up to face him and taking his face in her hands. The soft sheen of tears reflected against the moonlight, though none fell. Something tore open inside of Aleah, crumbling and leaving a deep ache between her ribs. Even now, in this quiet, frozen space in time, he would not break. 

‘It’s okay,’ she whispered, placing soft kisses on his forehead and cheeks, ‘it’s okay.’ 

The first fissure came when he bent his head and pressed into her bare chest. The second was deeper, wracking his body and repeated until Aleah felt moisture on her skin. She pulled him closer, until he fully leaned into her, fingers pressing into her back with an almost childlike desperation. 

Robby fell asleep sobbing into her chest. 

That might have been the best damn sleep of Robby’s life. Without bad dreams, or tossing and turning. His body no longer felt like it weighed a thousand thoughts or pent up emotion. Instead, he’d been lulled into comfort, encased in a tender care that he seldom - if ever - had been the subject of. With a soft, warm body wrapped around him and holding him like he was the most fragile thing to ever be held. Sunlight streamed through the gap in the curtains, and he rubbed tiredly at his eyes as his other hand felt around for his phone. 

As he sat up, he realised it was charging on the bed side table. He smiled to himself, Aleah had put it on charge. She was vacant from the spot beside him, but if the sound of a coffee machine in the kitchen was anything to go by, it indicated that she was currently making a pot for them. 

He pulled his phone from the cord, brows rising at the fact it was past two in the damn afternoon. He never slept in. His bad sleeping habits usually got him six hours, max. 

One text from Jack, not emergency related. A bunch from Jake about coming to stay with him next weekend. That was it. 

He stood, searching the bedroom for his clothes, before realising they were missing. Including his underwear. Robby’s mind, perplexed, floated to the ridiculous idea that she had stolen his clothes.

A laugh tumbled from his lips as he stumbled into her adjoining bathroom. In the middle of the night, it had been much harder to find, but in the afternoon light? It was hard to miss the pastel pink bath matt that was situated just outside of her shower, or the pink hand towels hanging from the rack. He smiled to himself. He couldn’t explain how he knew, but it felt extremely like her. 

When he stood in front of the sink, he noted the bags that had found a home beneath his eyes didn’t look so comfortable anymore. That’s what decent sleep gets you? He hated when Dana was right. 

‘You’re up!’ 

It was almost comical how quickly his head whipped to the bedroom, where Aleah stood with his clothes in her hands. Well, she had his boxers in one, and his t-shirt in the other. 

‘I washed the whites first, the cargos and hoody will be about another hour.’ 

His eyes tracked her long, very bare, tanned legs. They disappeared beneath an oversized t-shirt, old and faded. It looked like one she probably slept in regularly. Something in Robby stirred; primal, a little too territorial for his liking at the idea that it was another man's shirt. 

It sank away as she smiled widely at him, face bare and curls spilling over her shoulders. Her light brown skin looked much fresher than his own, she’d probably had a shower. 

‘Thanks,’ he coughed out, realising he’d been silent for a little too long. 

It was embarrassing. What was he, fifteen?

Aleah’s stride toward him was confident, sexier than it had any right to be. She placed his clothes on the edge of her sink, and he instinctively reached out for her, pulling her into his bare chest. He slanted his lips over hers, and she damn near sighed into his mouth. His hands wandered from her waist, to the curve of her ass. He grunted, something in him sparking hot and eager when he realised she wasn’t wearing underwear. He was hard, again .

‘Easy, old man.’ She laughed. He hated how riled up it got him, it was why she kept using it too. 

He was so damn obvious with her. 

Aleah pulled back, resting one hand on his chest while the other ran through his hair. Her gaze softened as she looked at him.

‘Did you sleep good?’ 

He hummed in response, distracted by the soft pads of her fingers on his scalp. ‘Almost too good.’ 

‘Memory foam mattress.’ She bragged, ‘pillows too.’ 

‘So my bad back is all because of a shitty mattress?’ He countered. 

Her nod was eager, self satisfied, as if she had told him a thousand times in conversations before last night to invest in memory foam. They both knew that wasn’t the reason. 

‘Thank you,’ he said quietly, pulling her closer ‘I mean it. Thank you.’ 

Aleah’s response was the softest of kisses on the corner of his lips. Tender, affectionate. She gave it all so freely, as if he deserved it all and more. He’d almost forgotten he was standing there naked, with just one layer between them.

‘Bath towels in the cupboard under the sink, and a spare toothbrush in the mirror one.’ She instructed, pulling herself out of his grip. He was reluctant to let her go. 

‘Can’t convince you to join me?’ 

Aleah shook her head, winking at him. ‘Very tempting, but I already had one, and I’m making breakfast.’ 

He watched her leave the bathroom, knowing damn well that she’d forgone underwear on purpose. 

Admitting that he’d spent the entire weekend with her should have felt more embarrassing that it actually did. Couldn’t exactly be a one night stand when you shared a bed two nights in a row, and made meals together. They didn’t leave Aleah’s apartment, the reluctance to burst that strange, perfect bubble that had slowly constructed itself around the both of them was overwhelming. 

He liked waking up next to her, liked that he could curve his body around her and bury his head in her neck. Liked that - despite knowing so very little about each other - that it felt like she knew him the most. 

She’d made him put on his favourite movie - The Naked Gun - before showing him hers - Splash. 

‘When I was little, I used to tell my mom I wanted to be a mermaid.’ He’d laughed and pulled her in to plant a kiss on her head. It felt very like her. 

He’d eaten her out before the movie finished.

They’d ordered Lebanese takeout, which they ate on top of her unpacked boxes. She told him she was half Algerian, he’d told her that he’d never been married. Her favourite genre to read was fantasy and political non-fiction, his last book had been a reread of an old crime novel. 

Come sunday evening, Robby was sure he could pick out her exact favourite shade of blue and pink from swatches. Aleah had learned exactly what temperature he liked to have his coffee; hot, but not fresh, scalding hot. She’d let it sit in a mug for fifteen minutes before giving it to him.

‘I know you said you don’t do dating,’ she said quietly, fiddling with the hem of her shirt as they stood at her front door, placing a piece of folded paper in his hand, ‘but… this is my number. In case you change your mind.’ 

She’d looked at him then, head on and confidently. Like she dared him to challenge her. 

‘I think we have something, Robby.’ 

Sleeping in his own bed that night had been significantly less comfortable. 

He’d stepped into The Pitt that morning less morbid than on Friday. Noticeable enough that Dana smirked at him as he headed toward her. 

‘You got laid.’ She said, and infuriatingly not discreetly. 

‘Jesus, I just walked through the door. Can I finish my coffee first?’ 

Dana was always there at six-thirty, and always earlier than Robby. It was like she almost enjoyed being in there for longer than necessary. Her blonde hair was pulled back out of her face, and the smugness in her soft expression didn’t falter.

‘Who’s the lucky girl? One night stand? New girlfriend?’ 

She was too damn perceptive for her own good. 

‘How about you do your job, please?’ 

She rolled her eyes, fixing him with a look . ‘It’s almost like you want to die alone and miserable.’ 

‘You know what they say,’ he said, fixing her with his own, ‘misery loves company.’ 

She scoffed, but it was void of any real annoyance before pointing at him to say this isn’t over as he walked to the lockers. He pulled out the small, folded piece of paper that had Aleah’s scribbled number on it. 

She was right, there was something between them. Seldom did Robby find anyone he wanted to date, let alone a person he could fall apart with and feel some type of whole the very next day. Something inside him had flickered to life when they’d met, kept aflame by the melody of her laugh, and the caress of her fingers. 

Who knew when he’d find something like that again?

He unlocked his phone.  

Hi. It’s Robby.

I’d like to see you again.

He sent it before he could overthink, or do something stupid - like text his stepson and ask him how you asked a girl out. For a fraction of a second, it didn’t seem like such a bad idea.

A new low for him. 

Robby pocketed his phone before he got invested in staring at the screen for too long in the hopes of seeing typing bubbles. Shoving his backpack into his locker, he locked in. 

Dana and Jack greeted him at the board for handover when he returned. ‘You leaving me a shit show?’ 

‘Not as shitty as that grill explosion from a family birthday last week.’ Jack grunted. 

‘Hardly an explosion.’ Robby countered, a small hint of a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. ‘And I got the worst patient to the OR before you arrived.’ 

Jack’s eyes narrowed as he looked at him. ‘What’s got you in such a damn good mood?’ 

Dana leaned over the counter, ‘he got laid.’ 

The attending's brow rose a fraction, before he looked Robby up and down. ‘That good, huh?’

Exasperated, Robby threw his hands up. ‘Can we focus, please? I’m still down an attending and instead of a damn replacement, I got an R3 transferring in.’ 

His phone buzzed, and Robby tried to ignore it. Jack and Dana would ride him if it was who he wanted it to be, but his heart rate must have sped up about three damn paces. Jack went through hand over at what felt like an unbearably slow pace, and all the while his phone kept buzzing. Incessant, insufferably loud, though perhaps it was only loud to him - because Dana nor Jack reacted. 

When he bid the chief attending farewell, he finally pulled out his cell. Robby’s chest expanded with something that could, almost, be described as excitement. 

hey old man! 

Glad u texted :) 

I’m free tonight? Is that too eager? 

I feel liek it’s too eager but then we kinda went past that point, right?

I get off at seven so let me know 

if it’s too late to go out, then we can order in and stay at my place? I have early starts all week so that might be better

Robby’s smile gained an inch with every message. He could hear every new thought spring from her mouth in the same format as her texts, as if she were typing as she was thinking. It had become obvious to him very quickly that Aleah was most likely neurodivergent, and it was confirmed when she’d told him over coffee on Sunday morning that she’d gotten a late stage ADHD diagnosis.

He loved that she spoke as she was thinking, like both were connected intimately and unable to separate when something excited her and brought her joy. It had crawled into the cracked parts of his chest and revitalised it with something that felt new and strong. 

Tonight's good. I can come over at 8. 

‘Can I atleast get a name?’ Dana interrupted. 

He looked up from his phone, finding she’d been staring at him a little too intently. Accusation coated her next words thickly. 

‘You’d think after a decade of friendship I earned the name of your new girlfriend.’ 

‘Who said we’re friends?’ He shot back, shoving the phone into his pocket. 

He felt another buzz, and wrestled with himself to stop a stupid grin eclipsing his features.

‘Low blow, you little shit.’ Dana placed a folder between them. ‘Your R3 transfer is well connected, her father’s on the board.’

‘A late R3 transfer getting an attendings spot being well connected? Shocker.’ 

‘I believe they call them nepo babies now,’ Dana laughed, ‘can’t keep up with all this gen z shit.’

‘I think nepo baby is a millennial term.’ Robby said, reaching for the folder. 

‘Same thing,’ Dana mumbled, ‘but the R3 - Aleah Summers - has some good credentials. Harvard med graduate-’

‘-Who?!’

‘Aleah Summers.’ Dana clarified, like he was an idiot. Unaware of the ringing in his ears. Loud, unbearable ringing, like a damn car alarm. ‘Bruce Summers is her father, former Chief Surgeon. You know, he was always a rude asshole?’

Robby was pretty sure his heart had crashed. Thoughts jumbling together until they merged, and he couldn’t sift through any. Dana kept on talking, interrupted only by the jovial tone that he’d learned to associate with Mel. 

‘Dr Robby, I have an Aleah Summers here. She said she’s starting today.’ 

He turned around, and - Jesus - it was like looking at her for the first time. All cute, easy smiles, and kind dark brown eyes. Curls pulled back into a clip, with rogue strands framing her face. Except, this time, instead of the tight tshirt and too tight jeans that had him staring at her ass for too long, she was in black scrubs. Backpack held in one arm while her coat was in the other. Face bare of make up, and still just as beautiful as that fucking morning he woke up in her bed. 

Aleah’s eyes widened for a second, and those stupidly, endearing big brown eyes of hers were almost too difficult to look away from. 

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit .

He was so screwed. 

Chapter Text

falling in love, no, it ain't for the weak

so don't try this at home

Okay. 

So, this wasn’t the worst thing to ever happen to Aleah. No, that had been her mother’s suicide, and then her trying to commit suicide three months later. Her father’s rage in the immediate aftermath had been the cherry on top.

This wasn’t ideal, but it wasn’t the worst thing in the world.

It was kind of funny, actually. What were the chances that the guy you may have, kind of, probably, most likely fallen in love with over one weekend was your new boss? God, Aleah did not have Meredith Grey energy. She wasn’t as collected as that. 

Aleah’s first reaction was to always laugh. Her therapist had said it was a way for her to regulate emotions when receiving bad news, which checked out. Emotional dysregulation went hand in hand with executive dysfunction after all, because heaven forbid she was allowed to sift through her brain's thoughts and emotions easily. 

Her small chuckle hadn’t gone down well with Robby, though. In fact, he’d increasingly looked more distressed and irate as introductions had unfolded and she’d pretended to be meeting him for the first time.

‘Dr Collins is gonna get you started.’ 

He’d shucked her off onto another attending. Had barely spared her another glance, and darted off to tend to a patient with one of the interns. He’d left Aleah there, with the dumbfounded Dr Collins, a perplexed and suspicious blonde nurse, and an oblivious, jovial Dr King. 

It wasn’t that funny anymore. Maybe they should have talked about work, but it hadn’t really mattered when they were together. In fact, she’d forgotten work was even a thing that existed. 

Dr Collins - Heather - had a kind face, beautiful cheekbones that looked cute as hell when she smiled. Aleah could tell that when she was being stern, however, that they’d take on a lethality that both scared her and made her envious of her beauty. She pointed her in the direction of the lockers, and gave her a few minutes to deposit her backpack and coat. She hooked her stethoscope around her neck and was immediately thrown into the deep end. Which was expected, working in the ED wasn’t the type of place you soft launched yourself into. She’d learned that quickly enough back in New York. 

Collins had her starting off in triage - something she could do in her sleep - to curb the amount of low risk patients waiting to be seen. She’d gotten a drunk college student that cut his brow open after running into his own dorm door. Just over an inch deep. Three stitches. 

‘At least my doctor was hot,’ he’d joked, and Aleah chuckled. 

‘I need you back here in fourteen days, prince charming.’ 

‘Aw, you hopin’ to see me again?’ He stood, wavering for a fraction of a second before righting himself. 

‘To take out the stitches.’ She clarified, holding out an arm to steady him. ‘Preferably without you having run into your damn door again.’ 

‘Can I request you?’ His grin was just shy of being too smug. Bright blue eyes looking a little hazy. 

He must have been going pretty hard all night to still be drunk at seven thirty in the morning. Frat bro, if she had to guess. His necklace had greek letters. 

‘Luck of the draw, I’m afraid.’ She tapped his shoulder softly. ‘Take care, Danny.’ 

She’d left him to flirt with Mateo, the nurse. Danny didn’t seem to have a preference. 

It was just past eleven when she was greeted by a pregnant patient. Seven months along, with pain when they were urinating. Urinalysis, confirmed UTI. Seven day prescription of antibiotics.

‘Bree, I’m gonna have some blood tests done, okay?’

‘Something wrong?’ They asked, a frown etched across their face. There was a crease digging between their brows. 

‘Nothing to worry about,’ Aleah reassured, placing a hand on their shoulder. They had the type of delicate, vulnerable features that made her want to hug a person. Promise them that  everything was going to be okay. ‘It’s just to make sure you don’t have a kidney infection. A precaution we take with pregnant people.’ 

And to make sure they didn’t have sepsis, but she got the feeling that might make Bree panic for longer than necessary. She was pretty sure that wasn’t the case anyway.

While she waited on that, and the crowd thinned out, she headed to the staff lounge to grab a coffee. Who did she find already there? Just the person she’d hoped to run into. 

Robby’s back was to her as she closed the door behind her, and the soft click of the door made him look over his shoulder. His body visibly stiffened as his eyes locked onto hers. 

‘You done pretending I don’t exist?’

If the hand running excessively down his face was any indication, Aleah guessed he was having the crash out of the century. 

‘Isn’t the time or place for this, Dr Summers.’ 

Aleah laughed, both brows reaching her hairline. ‘Oh, it’s Dr Summers ? Fine, I’ll play Dr Robinavitch .’ 

He winced, like it physically pained him to hear her say his full name. It made her soften. 

‘It’s really not that bad,’ she said, taking a step toward him. ‘We can talk about it tonight, but you know we can talk to HR-’

‘That’s not fucking happening.’ He interrupted, a bitter laugh accompanying the shaking of his head. ‘I’m your chief attending, your boss . Your education is in my hands, it’s beyond inappropriate. It’s unprofessional.’ 

Aleah blinked. ‘Robby, we’re not the first resident and attending to date, you know?’ 

Both hands returned to rub his face this time. ‘It’s not what I do, that’s not what happens here. You’re not getting it.’ 

‘So help me get it, then.’ She said, stepping closer until there was only a short distance between them. Robby, alarmed, bumped back into the counter. Like he’d rather be anywhere but close to her. 

It stabbed at her chest, like hundreds of tiny pin pricks digging into her ribs until a stone lodged in her throat. Instead, she drew on something that was easier to handle, like a shield of armour that she could encase around her heart. Humour.   

‘I thought it was clear to both of us that something pretty rare was between us.’ She cleared her throat, and smiled. ‘And not to be an asshole, but the perks of being a nepobaby is that neither of us will get fired for dating.’ 

‘This isn’t funny, Aleah.’ He narrowed his eyes at her. ‘And stop looking at me like that.’ 

‘Like what?’ she taunted, and thankfully her tall height made them almost eye level. ‘Like I’ve seen you naked?’ 

‘Christ-’ He gritted out, looking away from her. ‘That’s not funny, Aleah. This isn’t fucking Grey’s Anatomy. This isn’t going to work out that way.’ 

Maybe she went a little too far with that one, but the joke was right there .  

‘Romantic relationships at work are messy, complicated. I’ve done it before, and it fucked everything up for a really long time. I’m not going there again, least of all with a third year resident I'm in charge of.’ 

It was Aleah’s turn to narrow her eyes, and she folded her arms. ‘I don’t spend an entire fucking weekend with someone I’ve just met and open up the way I did every week, Robby. I sure as hell know you don’t either. I think that throws away a lot of potential risks of a bad break up and sour work environment out the window, don’t you?’ 

‘No, it doesn’t.’ He pressed, hooking both hands around the back of his neck. ‘It was different when we didn’t know the other worked here. Things felt different because we didn’t have this- he motioned with his head to the space around them ‘-between us. It changes everything.’

‘Why?’ She was getting irritated now, she could feel it crawling up her throat like a bad meal that wouldn’t stay down. 

‘Because before you were someone who didn’t know this part of me!’ He pressed, ‘before you were this person that I could separate from all this shit, and you were- you were safe and made me feel like my world didn’t begin and end here. I could feel like everything didn’t exist when I was with you, because you were sweet, and kind and didn’t have all this tainting you.’ 

Silence rang out between them, and that nauseous feeling became unbearable. A fist wrapped around Aleah’s throat, until she felt her eyes burn. 

‘Did you… fucking manic pixie dream girl me?’ 

Confusion etched itself across his face. ‘What the hell are you talking about?’ 

‘So, because I’m not this sweet, wild, and expressive fragile little ingenue that makes you feel like your main character's journey is about to develop meaning, I’m not worth anything anymore?’ 

She couldn’t help it, her voice had risen and it looked like Robby was one sentence away from bursting too. He dug his thumb and forefinger into the corner of his eyes. 

‘That’s not what I’m saying- you’re twisting my words- I’m trying to tell you-’

The door burst open, Dana gripping onto the door frame with a mild expression of alarm on her face. ‘Eight-year-old in trauma one, head injury. Fell out of a second story window.’ 

Her eyes moved quickly between Robby and Aleah, at the proximity between them. At Robby’s contrite expression and Aleah’s angry one, at what she knew was an embarrassing glistening layer of tears in her eyes yet to fall. Something clicked into place in Dana’s face, and Aleah got the feeling that the nurse was egregiously good at gauging a situation.  

She turned back to Robby, stepping out of his way as he steeled himself. Every emotion that had troubled his face in the last ten minutes had vacated the room. Like they’d never been there in the first place. He was Dr Robinavitch again, and their conversation was over. 

Aleah got it, then. Nothing she said was going to change his mind; not the fact that they’d cried in each other's arms in the middle of the night, or the fact he’d kissed her sweetly on her forehead when they’d made love a third and fourth time.

It was over, just like that. Before it had even started.

Apparently, a person couldn’t get five damn minutes without someone in their business at PTMH. Aleah’s five minutes of fresh air in the late afternoon was quickly interrupted by Dana, pulling out a cigarette. Evidently, not only was she the charge nurse and resident bad bitch of the ED, but everyone’s therapist. Aleah wondered how much that weighed on her after hours. 

‘So, you’re his mystery lady, huh?’ Dana snarked, sparking her lighter. ‘Where did you meet? A bar?’ 

‘I don’t know what you’re talking about, Nurse Evans.’ She sighed, rubbing at her eyes. 

There had been a lull after three, so the tiredness was setting in. 

Dana gave her a look of appraisal, like she knew everything about Aleah in that one second. Knew every insecurity, every feeling of inadequacy when placed next to her perfect, elder sister. Every resentful emotion that reared its head when she saw her father. The raw, fragile, pain that only ever seemed to scab over - never fully heal - when she thought about her mom. 

An open wound that would sting every time she looked at her dad. 

She hated it. 

Then, Dana softened, a smile that edged a little too much into the maternal side for Aleah’s liking. It made her want to retreat, run in the opposite direction. If the charge nurse ever hugged her, she’d probably burst into tears.

‘If it’s any consolation, before you walked in, that was the happiest I’d seen him in a while.’ 

It wasn’t a consolation, if anything that made it worse. She wasn’t about to say that to Dana, though. She wasn’t about to say anything. If Robby was so afraid of getting in trouble, then she wasn’t gonna have anyone accusing her of talking about it. Even if it appeared to be someone as easy to trust as Dana. 

They stood in silence for the next couple of minutes, Dana taking slow drags of her cigarette while Aleah sipped on her lukewarm, disgusting coffee. Disturbed only by the call from Dana from beyond the doors. 

‘Coming!’ She hollered, flicking the cigarette butt away. 

The charge nurse patted her shoulder softly as she passed her. It made Aleah feel worse, but she didn’t get a chance to really give the lump in her throat attention. 

A car had skidded right in front of the emergency doors, frantic screaming coming from the man in the driver's seat as he stumbled out. Aleah’s eyes immediately snagged on the woman in the rear passenger seat. 

‘Olsen, a gurney and a nurse!’ she called to the security guard, he nodded, grabbing onto her coffee cup without hesitation before heading through the ambulance bay. 

Drawing a pair of fresh gloves from her pocket, she let the distressed man open up the rear door. 

‘My wife’s in labour! She’s not supposed to be! It’s a month early- she’s bleeding!’

She crouched in front of the opened door, noting the soaked towels beneath the woman who was laying across the seats, legs spread. She was fully dilated, and fucking crowning.

‘Can you tell me her name and blood type?’ 

‘Regina Khalil, and uh- she’s - I think B positive? Shit , I can’t remember.’ 

‘No worries, we’re gonna take care of her.’ Aleah leaned into the car, softly taking one of Regina’s ankles, ‘Regina? Hi, Regina? You doing okay?’

‘No I’m not! I’ve got a fucking human tearing my vagina in half!’ A groan immediately followed her outburst, and a string of curses in Darija. 

Aleah smiled, she recognised the dialect of Arabic. It was Moroccan, close enough to Algerian dialect that she could talk back to her. 

‘ I’m sorry, but the baby is coming and it’s too risky moving you now. We’re going to deliver the baby here. ’ 

Alarm flashed across the woman’s face, sweaty and lined with distress. 

‘ Don’t worry, I’m right here with you and we’re going to make sure the both of you are safe, okay?’  

Regina nodded, a sob bursting from her lips. Aleah smiled at her, seating herself on the edge of the car seat as she pushed Regina’s legs up further and bent them at the knees. She heard Princess approach from behind her. 

‘We got a gurney-’ 

‘Forget it, this patient is giving birth now . I need absorbing pads, towels, and clamps. Get some blankets for mom, and confirm with dad her blood type on the system, I might need a unit ready.’ 

She leaned forward. ‘Regina, hbiba . You need to start pushing.’ 

‘You have a girl!’ Aleah’s delight permeated the air of the ambulance bay. 

The momentary heightened sense of dread, where they waited for the proverbial pin to drop, and hear the first cry of a newborn was deflated easily. Robby could only see the back of her head, curls pulled into a clip, but she held the baby a towel, bloodied and wailing like she was a prized possession. 

‘Hi sweetheart, you did so good! Welcome to the world, mama’s right here!’ Aleah sounded so sweet she could have rotted his tooth.

She got to work quickly, cutting the umbilical cord, handing the baby over to Princess and helped Mateo get mom out of the car and into a gurney so they could check her vitals and wait for her to pass the placenta and membranes. 

Blood coated the sleeves of her medical gown, it was a fucking biohazard nightmare. Something about it spiked his anxiety, but he reminded himself to stay back. He was only there in case he absolutely needed to step in, which - it appeared - he did not. Aleah had damn near handled that perfectly, given the circumstances. 

‘A perineal examination as soon as she’s inside.’ She instructed, smiling as dad followed mother and baby. 

There was a split second where dad halted, turned to hug her and Aleah held her hands out in front of her. Stopping him from touching her. Instead, he clasped his own hands together, saying something in a language Robby didn’t understand.

Arabic, maybe. He knew she was semi-fluent. She’d told him. 

The dad hurried after his new family and orderly’s wheeling the gurney inside. She’d probably have a quick examination before they sent her upstairs. 

‘New girl, you killed that.’ Olsen commented, and she laughed in response. 

‘Thanks Olsen.’ 

Robby went to open his mouth, to tell her good job, but she passed him without a second look. 

He tried to act like it didn’t bother him. 

It would be so damn easy to hate this situation less if she was a mediocre doctor. One that had sailed by purely on the fact her father was so well connected, because then Robby could comfort himself with the fact that she wasn’t as damn near perfect as he’d initially thought.

He’d say that he actually dodged a bullet, because the person she’d been on the weekend wasn’t real. In fact she was entitled, rude, a difficult, subpar doctor that he was stuck with. 

Christ, would it have been easier.

Dealing with the fact that she was a great doctor, personable in a way that would keep their patient satisfaction scores well above average, left him stumped. Frustration wove itself between thoughts of his existing patients, and the days to do list, until they were so entangled he had to stare at the board for longer than necessary. It was the only way to quiet his mind. 

North five could be discharged after their x-ray confirmed nothing was broken. 

Central eleven was due to go up to paeds. 

South sixteen was gone, cleaned and open for business. So was eighteen, nineteen and twenty. His shoulders eased, his breathing slowing in a way that made him feel less like the walls were closing in. The headache brewing in his temples like a shitty cup of a coffee retreated. 

If it stayed this way - which he doubted - then maybe Abbot wouldn’t want to punch him in the face when he arrived in an hour. 

‘New girls good.’ Heather’s voice gently disturbed his silence, and it wasn’t unwelcome. He liked talking to Heather.

‘She was raised by the best.’ He said, folding his arms as he kept his eyes trained on the board.

‘Thought that man was an asshole?’

‘He is,’ he couldn’t help but release a snort of amusement, ‘but he was also a damn good surgeon.’ 

‘Is it true? About why she transferred?’ Robby pulled his gaze from the board, and followed Heather’s. 

She was watching Aleah at her desk, currently charting. A pensive expression coloured her face, bottom lip gently tugged between her teeth. His chest dropped, right into the pit of his damn stomach. The idea he’d feel this way for an indefinite amount of time would probably fucking kill him. 

‘Yeah, it’s true.’ He sighed, rubbing the back of his neck.

‘Poor kid, didn’t his wife die a couple of years back too?’ 

Robby nodded, finding it difficult to say anything when a stone was lodged in his throat. Flashes of that night where he’d felt those scars on both her wrists carved itself into his memory permanently, and that fear of how low she’d fallen after her mom’s death to do something like that forced itself into his chest like an unwelcome guest. Taking permanent residence, and becoming far too comfortable.

He’d have to keep tabs on her dad; because even if their relationship was as strained as she claimed, it would take a toll on her. He didn’t need an emotionally distressed doctor working long hours in his ED, it would affect the patients. 

At least, that was the reason he gave himself for keeping a close watch on her. 

‘Can you just- check in on her over the next few days? Make sure she feels comfortable coming to you for things?’ 

Heather turned to him, eyes inquisitive in a way he did not like being the subject of. She was curious - not enough to be suspicious - because everyone knew Robby liked all the staff to be comfortable enough to come to him for anything they needed. If she pushed, he could reason it was because of her father - Robby had met Bruce enough times when petitioning the board - and Gloria - for a bigger budget. 

He could say she knew that and might not feel comfortable enough to be so open with him. An easy enough lie.

Truth was, he couldn’t handle being that person for her. Not just yet, at least. She was too pissed at him, and he was too pissed at the entire fucking situation. He had to figure out where their boundaries were, how he’d handle her as his subordinate, before he felt like he had any standing as a superior. They hadn’t started off that way, so it made it a hell of a lot harder. 

‘You got it.’ 

He gifted her his gratitude with a smile. As she turned to leave, Robby remembered something. 

‘Collins!’ She peered at him over her shoulder. ‘What’s a manic pixie dream girl?’ 

‘Dad wants you over for dinner. He wants to hear how your first day went, we both do.’ Maya’s voice was steady over the phone. Monotonous in a way that mirrored their father too much for Aleah’s liking. 

They were two sides of the same fucking coin, and twice as hard to fight against. When her mom was still around she felt like someone was on her side, fighting in her corner.

‘Sure,’ she said, because really what was she gonna do? Say no to a sick man? At least, before her shift started, she would have had the excuse of already having plans. 

That went to shit quickly enough.

‘Let me go home and shower and I’ll be over around eight-thirty.’ 

‘See you then.’ Mia hung up without a single pleasantry. 

Something Aleah was used to, but it still grated on her. Their mom used to always end every phone call with ‘I love you’, even if they’d been arguing. 

Leaning against her open locker, Aleah tortured herself that little bit more by going through her texts with Robby. The last one she’d sent was currently unread, which was probably for the best. She’d rather he read that one in the privacy of his own home, where she didn’t have to look him in the eye immediately after he read it. 

8 it is!

cant wait to see u 

I know its literally only been like 12 hours but i missed u 

God, this was all so fucking mortifying. She hadn’t been this humiliated since her ex-boyfriend, Scott, had broken up with her freshman year of their undergrad. They’d dated in high-school, and their parents were friends. He’d wanted to give them both a chance to explore ‘other possibilities’, which - in hindsight - was a good call on his part. It was just so embarrassing because she’d told him she loved him like twenty seconds before that.

It was annoying how kind he was about it all. Which just made it hard to hate him. 

A cleared throat yanked her from her thoughts, and it was almost malicious how easily she recognised that it was Robby. Like his looming presence behind her could instantly soothe every nervous thought that ran through her mind, the timber his voice when he said ‘excuse me’ making the hairs on the back of her neck rise, her throat run dry and her stomach warm like she was just returning home. God, when did he become home?  

‘Sorry.’ She stammered, pulling away from the lockers as he reached for the one she’d been leaning against. 

Awkward silence lingered as they both pulled their belongings from the lockers. One stunted with ignored feelings and about a thousand things left unsaid, probably never to be said - if Robby got his way. Something about it drove Aleah mad, like getting a taste of this deep, stilted discomfort made her freak out at the possibility that this is what work would be like for the foreseeable future. 

That they’d clumsily share eye contact across a patient or amongst staff members. Going to literally any other attending for help because she had no idea how to be around him without thinking about what it was like to have him caress her cheek and stroke her hair, or how gently he’d kiss her tears away.

Fuck, this was going to be so, so hard.

She turned to face him. ‘I’m sorry about the way things went earlier.’ 

Robby stilled, his fingers gripping his phone tightly. Like he’d been caught doing something he shouldn’t have; a deer caught in headlights. She tried to ignore how adorable he looked. A forty-nine year old, adorable. 

The jokes wrote themselves. She fought back a smile. 

‘It was a shock to me, too. I treat stuff like that with humour, and I wasn’t expecting you to react that way.’ She took a deep breath, trying to avoid Robby’s eyes. ‘I don’t want us to have this awkward, fucked dynamic at work and make everything twice as hard as it needs to be.’ 

Robby nodded, and she watched his free hand flex, like he was fighting against the urge to reach out and touch her. Aleah hated the part of her that badly wanted him to.

‘So, if you can quit avoiding me like a disease, I can promise to behave completely professionally and without blurring boundaries from here on out.’ 

Risking a look, Aleah took note of the way his posture had eased into something less combative. Less fearful. Like she was capable of damaging him. She was tempted to tell him that it went both ways. Eventually, Robby nodded, offering a twinge of a smile that felt less like Robby and more like Dr Robinavitch. One she’d seen him give all his staff. 

‘Deal.’ He mumbled.

It made her sad, chipped away at her like the rest of the hits she’d taken in the last few years. Tough shit, she told herself. Better get used to it, because that’s as polite as he’s gonna be from now on. 

She swung her backpack onto her shoulder, closing the locker. 

‘Have a good evening, Dr Robinavitch.’ 

Chapter Text

we were something, don't you think so?

and if my wishes came true, it would have been you

‘New girl, your patient in north five is bone setting, right?’ 

‘That’s not my name.’ Aleah sang, without lifting her gaze from the computer at her station. 

Santos exhaled deeply, dramatically. It made Aleah smile. 

‘Sorry, Dr Summers.’ Aleah raised her head, finally granting the intern her attention. 

‘That’s better.’ She smiled condescendingly, and it made Santos’ eye roll. ‘Ask what you wanna ask.’

Aleah actually loved Santos, though she wouldn’t tell the idiot that. She liked to describe the intern as having ‘little sister’ energy. A little bit bratty, snarky and with just the right amount of subtle kindness that endeared you enough to warm your chest. Moments of vulnerability could appear rare, but in actuality Santos hid a lot of insecurities behind a veneer of arrogance that made people think she was an asshole. Aleah kind of liked it, though - again - she was never going to admit that.

Folding her arms, she feigned her own false smile before leaning over the desk between them. 

‘Please. Pretty please, may I assist in your bone setting in north five?’ 

‘No,’ Aleah quipped, and she laughed as Santos’ mouth fell open. ‘Whitaker asked first, sorry.

‘ What ?! Why did you make it seem like I had a chance?’

‘I didn’t,’ she shrugged, standing. ‘I was just teaching you some manners.’ 

Carding out of the computer and standing, she let Santos hurry after her quick strides toward north five. 

‘When are you gonna give me something good?’ Santos groaned.

‘It’s a clean break anyway, very straightforward.’ Aleah waved off, ‘You’d be bored.’ 

‘You’ve been here over a week and haven’t let me assist on a single juicy case.’ Santos was whining. Like, actual, honest to god sounded like a fifteen-year-old whining. 

Aleah liked to think that Santos was just as fond of her as she was of the intern, because by her second shift the kid was following her around. Deliberately choosing to irritate her the most with inappropriate requests with any gruesome patients. 

It was like she knew she’d maxed out all her luck with the other residents and attendings, that she tried to get in as early as possible with Aleah. It kind of made her feel special.

‘You snooze, you lose, superstar. Not my fault your fellow interns are faster.’ 

She pulled out a pair of gloves, sliding them on just as Dana hollered from the charge station. 

‘Trauma incoming! Less than ten minutes.’ 

‘Mine!’ Santos snapped, and pivoted to jog toward the ambulance bay. 

‘See? I did you a favour!’ Aleah yelled out. 

Santos flipped her off, refusing to look back. A laugh burst from Aleah’s throat, and without meaning to, her eyes gravitated back to the charge station. Clashing with softened hazel ones, she couldn’t help the flip of her traitorous stomach. Idiot. Why did she look back there? 

Turning around, she tried to erase the way Robby had been looking at her when she fixed her gaze on an approaching Whitaker. Aleah must have looked a little manic, because the intern froze in mid stride, eyes widening like he’d been caught stealing a sandwich from the snack tray.

‘You ready to set an arm?’ 

She’d kill for a fucking iced matcha latte. With almond milk. Like, to the point where she was sorely tempted to do a team order on DoorDash. Spring was in full bloom, and with it the first rays of sunlight that made her feel like life was worth living again. That first sip of an iced matcha in spring? God, she’d volunteer for a month of night shifts if it meant she could bottle the feeling. 

‘Any attendings around for a supervised central line?’ Samira’s head popped into her cubicle where Aleah was finishing off a suture on a patient's hand. 

He was elderly, fond of cutting his own hedges. Unfortunately, gardening was a little difficult when you had Parkinsons. The garden shears had slipped from between his hands and clipped the edge of his palm. Deep enough for just two stitches. 

‘Think I saw Dr Robinavitch heading to central eleven about two minutes ago.’ She mumbled. Then rolled back on her stool, handing the waste to Princess and throwing her gloves into the clinical waste bin. 

‘There you go, Harry. Good as new!’ 

‘Thanks doctor.’ He smiled warmly, creasing the corner of his eyes. 

She turned to his daughter, who hovered on his right side. Anxiety had been captive in the set of her shoulders since their arrival, but slowly - as Aleah had assured the cut looked worse than it actually was - it began to ebb away. Her dark red hair was pulled out of her face, and she leaned forward to listen eagerly to Aleah. 

‘The stitches will dissolve in less than two weeks, but if you notice any redness or swelling then come straight back. Otherwise, you’re good to go.’ Aleah smiled, and she let Harry’s daughter reach out and squeeze her hand in thanks. 

‘Princess will get your discharge processed.’ She finished, squeezing the nurse’s arm softly in thanks. 

When she turned to leave, Samira was still there. Watching her. It wasn’t affronting or hostile, just curious. It was a look she was used to by now, since word got around pretty quickly that her father - former chief surgeon - was also a board member. Oh, and dying. 

Couldn’t forget the dying part. 

‘What’s up?’ She asked, as they started walking toward the charge station. 

‘So, I know this is weird to say, but I’m a big fan of your moms work.’ 

Aleah didn’t think she’d ever get used to the way her chest tightened when people brought her mom up. It made everything inside her recoil violently, like a rustled nail had cut into her skin. The pain was so fucking unbearable that the burn behind her eyes made her feel stupid. It had been ten years, surely this would get easier? 

‘Oh, thanks.’ 

‘Sorry, I know that might have been-’ Samira halted in front of the board, shaking her head. 

Aleah noted the dark splotches of red on her cheeks. ‘It’s okay, you don’t have to apologise. It’s nice to know people admired her.’ 

‘When I was pre-med, I went to one of her seminars on medical racism in neonatal departments. It was the first time I’d seen the stats on fatalities in black and brown mothers.’ 

Samira breathed out everything so fast, the words had adorably jumbled. Like she’d been practicing, and when the opportunity to say it all arrived it was not anywhere near as articulate as she imagined it would be. It was sweet. 

‘It changed the entire trajectory of my own research.’ 

Aleah smiled. ‘Yeah, she saved a lot of lives with that study.’ 

Just not her own. It wasn’t a bitter thought, Aleah didn’t think she’d ever resent her mom for what she did. She did feel abandoned, though. 

Her mother had been a medical academic in the last years of her life, reeling back on her hours in the field. She’d taught at Harvard. That was the whole reason Aleah had gone there in the first place.

‘You’re doing your own study into that, right?’ 

Samira perked up, her once nervous smile easing into something a little friendlier. Less self-conscious. She seemed surprised, like being listened to was a rarity. 

‘I have some of my mom’s old notes packed up somewhere. It wasn’t ever published, so I don’t think you can actually cite any of it but… I don’t know, might be useful?’ 

‘You’re serious?’ Samira had big beautiful brown eyes, the type she would call princess eyes .

Said eyes were currently adorably wide, and it soothed the ache in Aleah’s chest a little. It reminded her of her mom. 

‘Yeah. At best it could inspire some lines of thought. They’re just collecting dust in a box anyway.’ Aleah shrugged. 

‘Shit- yes . Yes! That would be so cool! Thank you.’ She gripped onto Aleah’s elbow, like she was one smile away from bouncing on the spot. 

Aleah’s smile faltered for only a split second. ‘Could I have them back after, though? It’s a sentimental thing.’ 

‘Of course,’ Samira’s grip turned gentle. ‘Totally understandable.’ 

There was a beat of silence between them. ‘I still keep all my dads shirts, even though they don’t smell like him anymore.’ 

Nothing quite like a traumatic family loss to make people bond. 

It was the longest conversation she’d ever had about her mom, there was no one else to talk about her with. Not anymore. Maya never brought her up, and their dad would rather have a stroke than talk about her. 

The lump in Aleah’s throat was rapidly ballooning, and she needed to get to the bathroom before it made her do something stupid and humiliating. Like fucking cry in the middle of her shift. 

‘Dr Robby!’ Samira yelled, whipping a fleeting smile back to Aleah. ‘Thanks so much!’ 

She nodded as the R3 ran past her, catching up to a speedwalking Robby as he made his way down toward the south bays.

‘You got a minute to supervise a central line?’ 

Aleah headed straight for the bathroom. 

The fear of being heard sobbing in a cubicle meant that Aleah only let two tears escape before she heard the bathroom door swing open. 

Nope, she could not become that person. She could not be the new girl who cried in the bathroom a week in. Something like that would get back to her dad, and he’d definitely have some hot opinions on how soft she was. A comment that - from a parent - should have been said tenderly. Instead, Bruce Summers always looked kind of… affronted. 

Taking a deep breath, she wiped away the tears. Hearing the other person shuffle around in their cubicle. Aleah flushed the toilet just for appearance sake before she exited, washing her hands and avoiding looking at herself in the mirror. She didn’t want to face herself and her stupid, pink eyes. 

Fuck it, she was DoorDashing the iced matcha. She deserved it. 

Her eyes were glued to her phone as she left the toilet, in the middle of scrolling through the menu of Crazy Mocha Coffee. Heading to the charge station, Aleah halted by Perlah and Princess. They were hovering by a computer and simultaneously looked up at her. The pair shared twin expressions of suspicion, as if she were bringing them annoying, bad news. 

‘What headache are you giving me now, kiddo?’ Perlah asked, though there wasn’t any real annoyance behind it. 

Aleah smiled, unable to find said twin expressions anything other than endearing in that moment. She showed them her phone screen. 

‘Want anything?’

The switch up was so fucking fast that she could have gotten whiplash. Her laugh was loud enough that when the phone was taken out of her hand, it drew the attention of Dana, Robby and Collins at the board. 

She pointed at the pair of nurses. ‘I’m doordashing Crazy Mocha, if you want something tell the twins.’ 

Collins was the first to move forward, but Aleah’s face immediately pulled away at the call of her surname. 

‘Summers!’ 

Only one person said it that way; hollered it with base in their voice, over extending the last syllable like she was a football player killing it on the field. 

‘Scott?!’ 

There Scott Ramirez stood, in dark blue surgeon scrubs, just outside of trauma two. Black hair curling over his forehead, gold framed glasses perched on his brown nose. He laughed, boyishly and adorably, the exact same way he used to laugh with her as teens. Aleah hadn’t seen him since her mom’s funeral.

Scott jogged toward her, cutting across the charge station, weaving between nurses and spreading his arms out. He wrapped her into a hug easily, until her feet lifted off the ground and she had no choice but to hold onto him tightly. He spun her around once, eliciting a real, genuine, laugh from her. 

‘Missed you, man.’ He laughed, depositing her to the ground. ‘How’ve you been?’ 

‘Good, still settling in and stuff.’ He didn’t let go of her waist, and instead looked her up and down. Like a parent assessing their kid after they took a nasty fall. 

Her dad probably put him up to it.

‘Your dad said you were down in the ED. I’ve been meaning to drop by.’ 

Bingo.

Scott had idolised her father when they were dating, and if he hadn't been such a damn sweet boyfriend, she would have thought he’d only dated her to hang out with him. Though, their dads being buddies probably helped too. Scott’s father specialised in Oncology, he was personally treating her dad. 

‘How’s surgical residency going?’ She asked, he was now a senior resident. Technically three years ahead of her in experience. 

The idolisation of her shitty remaining parent had been a point of contention for them in their friendship post break-up. It’s why she hadn’t made an effort to stay in touch after her mom died. 

She hadn’t made an effort to stay in touch with anyone, period. 

‘Attending’s riding my ass, but it’s good.’ He joked, pulling away from her to fold his arms. 

‘Still gonna go into neurosurgery?’ 

‘Would I be who I am if I wasn’t predictable, Summers?’ Scott tutted, and his head tilted to the side adorably.

His smile was warm, a familiar comfort that Aleah really really needed right then. It made her feel secure, like everything would be okay. Not in a romantic way, that ship had sailed long ago, but in a way that when you’re having a shitty day, you just want to watch your favourite movie and stay in bed. 

‘It’s good to see you, Scott.’ 

‘You, too.’ His sneaker tapped the tip of her own. ‘I’m glad you went back to school, you were too good to let your skills go to waste.’ 

There it was. A regurgitation of her fathers words. Wrapped up in niceties and warm smiles. The sentiment was the same, the disappointment that she’d dropped out still lurking beneath the surface. Disappointment that she’d done something stupid . Her dad’s words, not hers.  

Aleah’s smile faltered, and it was like Scott sensed he’d treaded clumsily. 

‘I didn’t mean it that way-’

‘Yeah, you did. It’s fine. I’m sure dad’s said it over a bunch of lunches with you.’ 

Scott’s face was damn near crestfallen, like the remorse of his words was eating him up inside. 

‘I’m sorry, Summers. I’m sorry I wasn’t there, after your mom.’ 

‘Don’t, Scott.’ Her voice was low, seconds away from pleading. ‘It’s fine. Please, don’t bring it up.’ 

She didn’t like to think about it. Didn’t like to remember that her dad hadn’t even bothered to come and get her. Instead, he’d sent Maya to go get her; like she was being a silly little student that had gotten too wasted one night and wound up hospitalised with bad dehydration. 

‘I should have come to the hospital to see you.’ 

He did it involuntarily, a reflex that was natural to anybody who spoke about what happened to Aleah. Scott’s dark eyes flitted down to her hands, her wrists, like he’d be able to spot the scars despite her pressing her fingers into her scrubs. 

Whatever fleeting joy had settled in her chest minutes ago had abandoned Aleah. It left her empty, bereft. Like she was standing alone at a station in the middle of the night, waiting for a train that would never arrive.

‘Dr Summers, you checked in on central ten’s CT yet?!’

It was like coming up for air hearing Robby’s voice. Curt, demanding. An order from a superior. He stood barely a metre away, arms folded, tired gaze expectant. Aleah blinked, her mind short circuiting while her emotions reeled themselves back into the darkest recesses of her mind. 

‘N-no. Sorry, Dr Robinavitch. I’ll do that now.’ She cast Scott a quick smile. ‘I’ll see you around.’ 

‘Let’s grab dinner at the end of the week, yeah?’ He said it earnestly, like he needed to extend this olive branch for his own sake. 

‘Sure.’ Aleah said distantly, grabbing the iPad Robby offered before walking away. 

She didn’t think she would ever be thankful for his curt tone with her at work, until then. 

‘Could you be any more obvious?’ Dana mumbled, nudging Robby with her elbow. 

It hurt.

‘What?’ He said, tearing his gaze away from the couple standing at the charge station. 

Ramirez had his arms wrapped around Aleah’s waist a little too long for his liking. What he felt was just on the precipice of becoming rage. He couldn’t let it get to that point. He couldn’t . 

‘You stare any harder and you’ll burn a hole in that poor boy's head.’ 

‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’

Dana rolled her eyes, while Robby tried to push down the sickening, uncomfortable churning in his stomach that seemed to get heavier by the fucking second. He pretended he didn’t know exactly what it was. His skin itched, and no amount of staring at that fucking board would get the feeling out. It was burrowing deeper, pulling back layers of flesh to embed itself into his bones. 

Then Ramirez’s face changed, and so did Aleah’s. Her fingers dug into the hem of her scrubs, and she got smaller. Robby knew that look. He’d seen it the night she’d sobbed into his bare chest. Pain. She was in pain. 

A ferocious, almost formidable, urge to step in overtook him. His arms unfolded, his fists clenched. He was half-way toward them by the time Dana yanked on his wrist. 

‘You got a room full of staff you’re supposed to lead.’ She muttered, lips hovering by his shoulder. ‘So, pull yourself together.’

The seconds stretched out painfully. That gnawing need to go to Aleah multiplying.

‘Do not be the guy that draws a line and then crosses it. It’s not fair on her.’  Dana added.

And she was right. Shit, she was right. His gaze shifted from Aleah to Dana. Like he needed the charge nurse to centre his thoughts. 

Robby blinked. Hard and fast, and over and over before he shook his head. Like it would rid the thoughts circling his mind at warp speed. Like shaking away every minute detail of her would lessen the pressure in his chest. 

‘I have to do something .’ He breathed out, through clenched teeth. 

‘Then do it as her boss .’ Dana countered. ‘Not the man she spent the night with. You implemented boundaries, so enforce them.’ 

So that’s what he did. He acted like a boss, and she fucking called him Dr Robinavitch. Again. It pissed him off enough to work off his annoyance for the rest of the day and send up two trauma patients before Abbot clocked in. 

One death. They lost one patient the entire shift, which was the best he could ask for. So why didn’t the day feel like a win? 

‘Dr Robinavitch?’ 

Ah. That was why. 

‘What can I do for you, Summers?’ He turned to face Aleah.

She handed her iPad over, a patient's history stared back at him. 

‘Central seven is a stage four breast cancer patient. Metastasized in T12 and L1 and L2. It’s currently stabilised under Ibrance, but she’s been complaining about pain and swelling in her right arm. Vitals are good, so are bloods. Nothing showing up in her CT, though. No pain relief is currently working, morphine included.’  

‘Any numbness?’ He asked, briefly looking up to her. 

Curls had fallen out of her bun, and obscured her vision. She didn’t seem bothered by it, but Robby wanted to reach out and tuck them behind her ear. Wanted his fingertips to trace across the softness of her cheekbones, down the long bridge of her nose and outlining the bow of her lips.

He wanted to smooth out the creases in her forehead. Kiss each line away until she looked content and happy like that night she’d fallen asleep beside him. 

But he couldn’t. 

‘Yes, she said some tingling in her thumb and index finger. I think she needs a PET scan to confirm but, to me, it sounds like there might be a tumour around the axillary nerve causing the symptoms.’ 

She was worried, he could tell. She’d started chewing on her bottom lip since she’d started talking. He remained silent, letting her figure out next steps. Robby could see the thoughts working away in her head, but she needed time to regulate them. So, he let her. He tended to find that with his neurodiverse doctors, giving them space to work through their plans of action worked best. Rather than pushing them toward it.

‘That means there might be newer activity and mutated tumours that aren’t responding to treatment, but we can’t confirm that here.’

‘Correct,’ he offered a smile. Professional, polite. Gentle and distanced. It felt wrong. ‘So what can we do for the patient?’ 

‘Refer for an appointment with her leading oncologist sooner? Request a PET scan? Prescribe Lyrica to help with the nerve issues in her arm?’ 

Robby didn’t know why she was second guessing herself. It was the best they could offer, and she’d come to that on her own. 

‘You’re good. Just don’t mention the suspected mutations though. Leave that to Oncology to confirm.’ He handed back the iPad. 

‘Right, thanks Dr Robinavitch.’ 

He squinted in annoyance, reeling in what he really wanted to say. ‘Just Dr Robby, that’s what everyone calls me. Robinavitch makes me feel old.’

 ‘I prefer Dr Robinavitch, sorry. Out of respect.' 

Christ, so it was like that. He watched her retreating figure as she headed back to her patient. Resting his elbows on the charge station, he rubbed a hand down his face. When Robby opened his eyes, Princess was leaning against the opposite side, dressed with a mild look of annoyance.

‘What did you do to piss off our new girl?’

‘Nothing!’ He threw his hands up. ‘I swear.’ 

‘Whatever is, stop it. I like her.’ 

‘Yeah,’ Donnie shot over her shoulder, he was heading toward a patient bay. ‘None of you assholes ever bought us the good coffee before.’ 

‘I can buy good coffee!’ Robby called out, ‘You never ask!’

‘We never asked new girl,’ Perlah shot out, her face glued to the computer. ‘She just offered.’ 

‘Yeah,’ he mumbled, digging his hands into the pockets of his hoodie as he went to check on a patient in trauma two. ‘She’s thoughtful like that.’ 

A month. They’d gone a damn month with cordial conversation, robotic presenting - on her part - of patients, and a hell of a lot of ‘Dr Robinavitch’s’. Robby didn’t want to admit it, but it was getting harder.

She was doing good, great actually. Aleah had woven herself into the dynamic of the ED smoothly. A good guide to the interns - particularly Santos, which he considered a fucking miracle - collaborative with the nurses, and annoyingly communicative with the surgeons. 

Probably helped that her friend - or whatever the fuck he was to her - was Garcia’s favourite intern. Made their life a hell of a lot easier, because Ramirez did his damn best to make Aleah happy. 

It made Robby think about all the ways he could kick the resident out of his department. 

He didn’t even know why Ramirez was lingering in trauma one. The patient was intubated, stabilised, and wasn’t due up to the OR for another fifteen minutes. He was just hanging around while Aleah checked the patient’s vitals. 

Dana would kill him, but he didn’t care. Every fucking day he saw that kid come visit the ED and wrap Aleah in a hug was a grey hair added to Robby’s head. So, he interrupted in the most appropriate way he could. By checking in on the patient, and quizzing his resident on next steps. 

‘I’ll see you at dinner, Lea.’ Ramirez waved, nodding at Robby on the way out. The nickname elicited such an ugly shade of jealousy in Robby’s chest.

Fucking dinner? She was dating him now? When he went every damn day trying to erase the memory of how she felt sleeping next to him?

‘Bye.’ She said, absently. Her face was glued to the monitor. 

Robby waited until Donnie also stepped out of the room before he opened his mouth again. 

‘How do you and Ramirez know each other?’ 

The way she froze made Robby think he wasn’t anywhere near as subtle as he thought he believed himself to be. His annoyance was spiked so high that he didn’t really fucking care all that much. Something about seeing them together raised his damn blood pressure. He hated that they looked right, happy. 

Like she was exactly where she was supposed to be; dating a man her own age, who wasn’t her fucking boss. 

Robby tried to ignore the pounding in his temples as Aleah slowly eased away from the monitor. She rested both hands on the railing of the patient's gurney. 

‘We used to date in high-school, and for a few months during freshman year in college. He dumped me after that.’ 

She was watching closely, suspiciously. Her hair was braided back that day, messy but pretty. Robby realised quickly enough that he liked every iteration of her. Whether haphazardly thrown together, or perfectly presentable. 

‘You’re not dating now?’ He’d blown it. He knew it. 

The way her face fell; disappointed and sad and hurt proved so.

‘What are you doing? Why are you asking that? You know you can’t.’ She sucked in a shaky breath. ‘It’s not fair.’

He pressed his face into his hands, eyes shut tightly. ‘I know. I know it’s not fair, I’m sorry.’ 

‘I’m doing everything you asked. I’m professional, I keep my distance.’ Her voice cracked, and it just about tore Robby the fuck apart. ‘I’m trying to not make this so…’ Aleah didn’t finish the sentence, and her voice wavered, but he knew what she wanted to say. 

Shitty. She was trying to not make it so shitty. She’d done her part really well, almost too well. To the point that sometimes he feared everything they’d felt was a fleeting dalliance for her. That maybe he was the one that was still stuck on what they’d lost. What he’d force them both to give up on. 

‘I shouldn’t have said anything, it was out of line. I’m sorry.’ He said, and it was like he just couldn't stop fucking this up. Couldn't say the right thing. 'I'm sorry, Aleah.'

He turned away, hand reaching for the doors.

‘I'm not dating him.’ Aleah's voice cast the first stone at his thin layer of resolve. The sound of her exhaustion, her pain, nipped at his sides. ‘I don’t want to date him. He’s just having dinner at my dad’s tonight. Our parents are friends.’ 

Robby licked his lips, before biting down on them. He couldn’t turn around, because if he did any semblance of willpower he had would shatter until he strode right toward her. Do something stupid like pull her in for a kiss. He pressed his forehead into his fist, shutting his eyes. Like doing that would erase every barrier that stood between them, would make it so there was no reason for them to be this far apart in the first place. 

Then he opened them, and he centred himself. Saw people running back and forth out on the floor. Saw every staff member and patient that he was in charge of. Responsible for their well-being, their comfort, their education. 

‘Call if you need anything.’ Were his parting words as he closed the door behind him.

Chapter Text

babe, there's something tragic about you

something so magic about you

don't you agree?

Seldom did anyone expect a slow start to an ED shift, but usually Aleah had some time to acclimate. To wake up, get her first caffeinated drink of the day, and gear herself up for a twelve hour run of treating people at a speed that would have given any other person vertigo. She usually had twenty minutes, thirty if really lucky, to ease herself into it. Do her rounds, check in with existing patients and maybe even discharge one who’d come in during the night by eight AM. 

That morning, though? Fifteen minutes before the start of her shift? It was like God was just antagonising her for no reason. 

Thirty-five casualties from a mass, rush-hour collision. There hadn’t been time for rounds, there hadn’t even been time to go to her locker. She’d dropped it at the nurses station, grabbed her stethoscope, and got to work. 

She’d spotted Samira and Collins a total of four times before she’d been relegated to managing the north section, and supervising Whitaker and Javadi. It wasn’t anything she’d not seen before. Save for the truck driver and speeding asshole who’d collided with him head on. Both were in trauma bays being taken care of by Robby, Abbot, Shen and Parker. 

Aleah hadn't done a night shift rotation yet, so she’d only gone as far as pleasantries when doing handovers and shift changes. The only conversation exchanged that morning was when she’d asked them what they needed from her. 

‘Ma’am, I need you to take a deep breath.’ Aleah said, gently taking hold of the patient's wrist. 

She’d been doing the school run, her kids were fine. Barely a scratch on the twin eight-year-olds. They just weren’t within her immediate eyeline, and it obviously made the mom anxious. Anxious enough to push Javadi forcefully enough that she tripped over her own feet. 

‘I understand you’re stressed, but your children are fine and with our social worker. Just a few scratches.’ She tried to direct her back to the gurney. ‘Once we’re sure you don’t have a concussion with the CT, we can take you to them.’

The patient raised her free hand, bright eyes widening - like she hadn’t heard a single thing Aleah had just said - ready for round two. Aleah’s grip tightened, and her other hand whipped out to block the slap the patient had just geared herself up for. Aleah locked her wrists, pushing them down and forcing the woman back to the gurney. 

‘I’m sorry, ma’am, but if you try something like that again I am going to have to get security involved. You’ll be cuffed to the gurney, do you want that?’ 

‘My kids-’

‘Are okay, I promise. I don’t think it’s good for them to be sitting out here with you, seeing all of this. Do you?’ 

The patient's answer was a sweep of the room, all the curtains had been pulled back to accommodate for extra gurneys. She was the least injured patient so far, Whitaker was four gurney’s away setting a bone, and she could see Donnie in the middle of trying to wrap a bleeding head injury. It wasn’t the place for a kid, if it could be helped. 

‘No, I don’t.’ The woman eventually whispered, and Aleah could only describe it as deflating when she fell back against the gurney. 

‘We’re just awaiting your CT results, and thankfully Dr Javadi only had to give you two stitches for the cut on your head.’ Aleah’s smile softened as she turned back to Javadi, urging her to take over. 

The intern blinked, before moving into action. ‘Uhh- yeah! They’ll dissolve in about a week, so you won’t need to come back unless there’s any redness or swelling around it.’ 

‘Okay,’ the patient nodded, her short, blonde bob was stiff. Stained with her own blood. ‘Thank you.’

Aleah nodded, finally letting go of her wrists. ‘I have to ask that you also apologise to Dr Javadi. We do not tolerate assaulting staff here and she’s been working very hard to keep you in good health.’ 

The apology was muttered shamefully, embarrassment seeping out of the patient's shoulders badly enough that when Aleah looked back to Javadi, they were stifling laughs. She patted the intern's shoulders before moving onto the next patient. 

It started to slow down around eleven, when the night shift had finally been kicked out of the ED and the trauma patients had gone upstairs. Only one needed to go to the OR, so it went from a shitty morning to bearable.

Until they lost one patient. 

A baby. Six months old, and found unresponsive in his crib. Robby had spent almost forty five minutes on him before having to call it. 

Aleah had never had to deal with SIDS, it was kind of the one scenario that would hang over her shoulder, something she feared ever having to come into contact with. She was open enough to admit that it would fuck her up. The sound of the baby boy’s mom screaming in paediatrics would ring in Aleah’s ears for weeks, maybe months, to come. She didn’t know how Robby did it, if he could even do it. 

There was a somber tinge to the ED after that, one that couldn’t be erased by laughter. No words that could bring comfort, no shoulder squeeze that would stave off the bleakness of what had occurred. It just existed, like a shadow that followed everyone’s steps. It had to be ridden out, had to be felt . 

Aleah was pretty sure that a lot of parents on the team made calls to their kids over the next hour. 

She headed for the lounge, remembering she’d stored a bottle of iced tea in the fridge. She needed something to quieten the static in her brain, and the itchiness beneath her skin. When she got like this; too many loud noises, too many emotions piling over one another while thoughts scrambled together, she needed quiet. Darkness, if possible. 

When it happened at home, Aleah liked to hide her face between pillows and bury herself under her weighted blanket. It made everything slow down. 

She closed the door behind her, gaze snagging on the vans that were spread apart on the floor. Melissa was sitting down, back against the wall with her legs parted. Earbuds evidently blocking out the sound of Aleah’s arrival. Her eyes caught Aleah’s a little too late, and both startled like they’d intruded on the other. 

‘Shit! Sorry-’

‘I didn’t mean to-’

Mel pulled out her buds, and music burst from them. Aleah smiled. 

‘Meg the Stallion?’ 

Mel blinked. ‘Oh, yeah. It’s stupid but I just…’ 

‘It’s not stupid. It calms all the other stuff. I know overstimulation when I see it.’ 

‘You too?’ Mel seemed surprised, but Aleah didn’t know why. 

In hindsight, she couldn’t believe how obvious it had been. The hyperfocus and quick burn out of hobbies, the difficulty in figuring out exactly what she felt when a lot of shitty things were happening at once. The way her body had visceral, violent reactions when nothing she had planned went the way it was supposed to. Her dad called them meltdowns.

‘Oh yeah,’ Aleah laughed. ‘Big time. When I got on Ritalin, I couldn’t believe how fucking silent it was in here.’ She tapped the side of her head. 

Mel’s smile was small. ‘I haven’t told anyone.’ 

‘Don’t worry, I won’t say anything. It’s just like… ND radar, right?’ 

She was talking too much, she knew it. Was used to a blank look when she talked too long.Though Mel didn’t seem to mind, the tightness in her face eased, her smile felt less cordial and slowly became more tailored. More Mel. Earnest, and comfortable and content. 

‘Thanks, Aleah.’ 

‘Any time, Mel.’ She turned back to the door. ‘You keep the lounge, I’ll find somewhere else.’ 

She could get her tea later.

She liked the prep room between the Trauma bays. When they were empty, no one bothered going in there. A ten minute break in there was probably the most peaceful ten minutes you could get in the Pitt. Probably the whole damn city. Aleah walked through North and Central with her head down, speeding until she reached the prep room. 

She exhaled deeply just as the door slid closed behind her. It was dimly lit, but not dark enough that she couldn’t see someone else in there with her.

‘Dr Robinavitch?’ 

His back was to her, head pressed into the edge of a shelf. Fingers gripping onto the one above, knuckles white with the intensity. 

‘...Robby? You okay?’ 

He was mumbling underneath his breath. Hebrew, Aleah realised, the words rapid, panicked. Recited desperately. A prayer that wasn’t just a last resort for him, but his only thread keeping him there. Keeping him together.

‘Hey, Robby.’ She placed one hand gently on his nape, the other curling around his cheek. ‘Look at me.’ 

Robby sucked in a breath, every sound from him broken, fragile. Blinking rapidly as tears streamed down his face. ‘I let them die. I let them all die.’ 

Her chest tightened, every word spilling from his lips cut into her like a sharp, rustled nail breaking her skin. Aleah’s breathing felt constricted, her eyes burned, and fear wrapped itself around her throat as she forced Robby’s face to focus on hers. Gently pressing her forehead against his shaking one. 

‘I’m here.’ Her voice dropped, low, soothing. His laboured breaths kissed her cheeks. ‘I’m here. You’re okay.’ 

Pulling on his wrist, she tugged until his hand loosened. Both ended up dropping away, and Robby shifted, body angling toward her automatically. Like a planet orbiting the sun. She placed one of his hands against her chest. 

‘You’re having a panic attack. Breathe with me.’ Their bodies pressed together in an almost identical way to their first night. ‘Breathe with me. Please.’ 

They stood there, in the middle of the trauma prep room. Dim lighting. Amongst monitors, LMAs, BVMs and suction equipment. So much like their first night, but so different. So much had changed. Aleah could hear his breathing slowly even out, the sobs easing back, the tears drying at a glacial pace. 

‘It’s okay, everything is gonna be okay.’ She whispered, fingers running through his hair. ‘I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.’ 

His free hand clung to the back of her scrubs, until their hands on her chest were squashed between them. She tried to keep her heart from jumping, from triggering any more panic for him, but being this close? Feeling the warmth of his skin against hers, his limbs wrapped around hers while every broken, agonised memory and emotion bled out of him, made everything flood back to the forefront of her mind. She didn’t need her heart to speed up, she needed it to stay calm. 

For Robby. 

She needed him to feel like he was safe, like this moment he could break and not have to think about anyone else. Because Robby was always thinking about everyone else. 

Including the ones he couldn’t save. 

‘You didn’t let anyone die, Robby.’ His eyes had stayed closed, but she felt his forehead begin to shake. She gripped his hair at the back gently, halting him from fighting. ‘You can’t save everyone, you know that; but you have never let anyone die.’ 

His lips quivered. 

‘Tell me you know that, Robby.’ 

Silence stretched between them, and Aleah waited. She’d wait all damn day if she had to, and she wouldn’t let him leave until he said it. Robby’s breaths evened out, his shaking slowed. 

‘Tell me, Robby.’ 

Eventually, his eyes opened, and something shifted. Like his closed eyes were the only barrier between them, and it had eviscerated what little stood between them. Robby’s gaze darkened, not in a way that felt sensual or heated, but deeper. Like he was seeing Aleah for the first time, like something slotted into place for them. Like he knew, without a doubt, that they were exactly where they were supposed to be. She was certain, because that was exactly how she felt.

‘I know. I can’t save everyone.’ He said, and Aleah nodded.

‘You’re allowed to break.’ She said softly. ‘You are allowed to break everyday, but you are not allowed to ever think you’ve failed.’ 

The stone lodged in her throat was impossible to swallow down, but she pushed through. The pads of her fingers brushing against the soft strands of his hair soothed her, his hand on her back an anchor. 

‘This job… what we do-’ she laughed softly, ‘not even the most emotionally well adjusted, mentally stable person who sees their therapist everyday could fucking handle this place.’ 

A laugh. Small, fleeting, barely a sound and just a breath through his nostrils greeted her ears. It warmed her chest. 

‘ No one is built for this, Robby. You know that.’ 

He nodded, and as she spoke, his hand on her chest moved, slowly. Confidently. Until it wrapped around the back of her neck. 

‘That baby boy was gone before he got here. You know that, I know that.’ She bit her lip. ‘Leah was gone before she arrived at the hospital, too. You know that, and Jake knows that.’ 

She watched his eyes water. ‘And someday, he’s going to admit he knows that.’ 

The edges of his lips quivered, but she went on. She had to. ‘Dr Adamson was always going to pass.’ 

The hitch in his breath was so loud, like a glass shattering on the floor. ‘I didn’t know him, but I know how good of a doctor you are. I know that as your mentor he wouldn’t have handled it any differently to you.’ 

One of his tears kissed her cheekbones, and she pushed his head down until it settled into the curve of her neck. Holding him closely. 

‘It’s never gonna stop hurting, losing someone like that… never stops hurting.’ She wiped away the last of his tears with her thumbs. ‘So, just let it hurt. Stop trying to push it away.’

‘Nineteen years my junior, and giving me advice about how to deal with grief.’ He scoffed. It was void of any irritation.

Aleah smiled.‘This is a teaching hospital, isn’t it?’ 

Robby’s laugh was real, low and deep. The weight of his sadness was absent from it, though it sat on his shoulders. Aleah liked this laugh. Liked that it let go of all the things that pulled him apart. Liked that it made her feel just as light, taken care of. Held. 

A laugh that had gotten so comfortable in her home - for that one, perfect weekend - it had felt like it had always been there. Like a soundtrack that always played in the background, from when she woke up in the morning, to when she fell asleep at night.

‘Thank you.’ He muttered, raising his head. Aleah felt his thumb rub the back of her neck. Brush against the hairs there, and elicit a low, quiet shiver. She knew what came next. 

‘You don’t want to do that.’ She sighed, eyes closing as she felt his nose brush against her cheek. 

‘Yes I do.’ Robby said, and she couldn’t help it. When Aleah felt every inhale against her skin, her heart sped up. ‘I really do.’ 

‘Right now, you do.’ She whispered, fingers moving to grip his chin. Leaning back from him, she let his eyes catch hers. ‘But tomorrow, you’re going to change your mind. You’re going to push me away, and it’s- it’s going to kill me.’ 

Aleah watched it as it happened. Watched the way his gentle, warm adoration morphed into guilt. Agonised by something he couldn’t change - or wouldn’t change. Aleah didn’t really know anymore. 

He didn’t let go, though. Instead, Robby pulled her closer. Held her a little tighter, like it would be the last time he’d ever get to hold her. Maybe it would be. They didn’t get to really say goodbye before, it had just… ended. She’d been left out in the cold, bereft. Aleah knew it sounded stupid, but it felt like losing a limb. A part of yourself. 

‘I wish things were different,’ he whispered, and Aleah nuzzled her head into the curve of his neck. 

Robby’s fingers stroked her hair gently, reverently. Like she was the rarest thing he’d ever held. ‘So do I.’ 

A four o’clock crash had crept up on Robby. The first half of the day shift had seen enough chaos to haunt his dreams for weeks, and a baby lost to SIDs would weigh on his shoulders for longer than he’d ever admit. All that, though, had been soothed by Aleah. Those ten minutes in the prep room reminded him of those nights in her room, separated from time. Isolated, and safe. 

Her touch, her voice, was as exactly as it had been the first time. A cooling balm against a wound that refused to heal. Damn, he was in so much trouble. 

Robby opened the door to the lounge, maybe some shitty coffee would clear his head. He froze just as he caught the back of Ramirez’s head, buried in the staff fridge. 

He closed the door behind him. ‘You need something?’ 

The senior resident shot up, sheepish and - Robby thought bitterly - utterly charming in his smile. Ramirez held up an iced beverage. 

‘Sorry! I was just uhh, bringing Lea something to drink. She used to love an iced latte around this time.’ He shook the cup, and something about watching the milky brown substance shake in the clear, plastic cup made his jaw lock.

‘She doesn’t drink coffee in the afternoons.’ He ground out, though satisfaction burned in his stomach a little too heavily.

Ramirez’s frown was instant, and confusion settled into his brows. ‘You sure? She’s always loved lattes.’ 

Of course he was damn sure. She’d shown him how to mix her matcha powder for her while she’d showered after post-lunch sex. He’d made her a fucking peppermint tea on saturday and sunday evening, in her own kitchen, after they’d had dinner. That weekend, he’d learned everything he needed to know about her. 

Except her job. 

‘Not anymore.’ He shook his head. ‘It upsets her stomach, she drinks herbal tea or some stupidly sweet matcha drink in the late afternoons. Is it dairy? She only drinks almond milk.’ 

Ramirez stared at him for too long, and Robby had the feeling that the resident may not be as oblivious as he thought. That maybe he was catching on. That he realised those were not details a chief resident should know about their employee. Guilt at staking his claim - in a stupidly juvenile way - was nowhere to be seen. 

Apparently, he was behaving like a damn teenager now, and he didn’t give a shit. Something about Ramirez - a decent kid, with good intentions - sent him into a stupid, territorial frenzy. The idea of him going home to Aleah, making her laugh, bringing her the wrong iced beverages and trying to make her day better, drove Robby nuts. It was a break in control, a surge of panic that made him realise by pushing her away, she’d obviously go to someone else.

He couldn’t let it happen. He couldn’t .

‘Oh, well… do you want it?’ Ramirez’s hand reached out, but that friendly, earnest smile he distributed so freely was gone.

He looked… annoyed. Soured. Robby wouldn’t even pretend that he didn’t feel some vindication about it. 

‘Appreciate the offer, but I like my coffee black and bitter.’ Robby joked, walking to the coffee machine a little too leisurely. 

‘Yeah, the old way.’ Ramirez mumbled. 

He deserved that. Though the high of knowing Aleah better than Scott Ramirez ever would - despite having dated her - soothed the sting quite a bit.

‘Classic is my preference.’ Robby eased up, glancing at Ramirez over his shoulder. ‘I’m sure one of the others is happy to take it off your hands.’

He thought he’d leave then, but it seemed like Ramirez was intent on prolonging the conversation. When Robby looked back, the kid almost seemed… upset. Robby’s smugness simmered a fraction at his face. When the senior resident opened his mouth, Robby thought he’d probably hate whatever came out of it. 

‘Oh, hey.’ 

Shit, maybe this was becoming Grey’s Anatomy. Aleah stepped in, oblivious to the tension in the room, and shut the door behind her. 

‘You alright, Scott?’ She cast him a quick smile as she headed to the counter, where Robby stood. ‘What’re you doing down here?’ 

Robby opened up the cupboard, pulling out the box of herbal tea bags she’d stored there months ago. Aleah took it from him without glancing his way, muttering a thanks and avoiding his eyes as she started making herself a drink. 

‘Yeah, I was just bringing you an iced latte. Thought you might need a pick-me-up after the day you’ve had.’ Ramirez mumbled, and cleared his throat. His next words said with an edge. ‘Dr Robby said you don’t drink coffee in the afternoons, though. Said it upsets your stomach.’ 

Robby watched from the corner of his eye as Aleah’s fingers stilled, but only for a second. He could hear a small inhale before she turned around to face Ramirez, leaning against the counter. 

‘Oh yeah… it’s stress induced. Happened after mom. We’re always DoorDashing here in the early afternoons.Think Dr Robinavitch has learned all our orders by heart.’ Her laugh was jittery, nervous. Like she feared how Ramirez would react. ‘That’s really thoughtful though, thank you.’ 

Ramirez hummed, evidently unsatisfied with the answer. Robby kept his back to the kid as he heard him make himself scarce. There was a pause at the open door.

‘You drink dairy milk? Just so I don’t fuck up the order next time.’ 

‘Nope.’ Aleah shook her head. ‘Almond milk now.’ 

Silence descended once the door shut. Aleah turned back around, finishing off her tea before adding a lid. The peppermint wafted up into Robby’s nostrils, relaxed him in the same way it once had when he’d made it for Aleah in her apartment. He sipped his own coffee slowly, quietly, waiting for her to talk. 

Eventually, she sighed. Deeply. Tiredly. Now the guilt was setting in. 

‘I think I’m pretty good at maintaining boundaries.’ She said lightly, ‘You’re the one that can’t fucking keep it together.’

‘He got you an iced coffee with full fat milk. At four in the afternoon.’ Robby defended, turning to face her. He propped his hip on the counter, and dug his free hand into the pocket of his hoodie.

It was the only way he wouldn’t touch her. 

‘What was I supposed to do? Say nothing?’ 

‘Yes!’ Aleah groaned. ‘That’s exactly what a boss - who has never slept with their resident - is supposed to do. I would have told him myself eventually.’ 

She was right, obviously. Taking in the purple tinge beneath her eyes, the exhaustion invading her shoulders and the climbing frustration in her voice made him desperate to reach out. To pull her to his chest, plant a kiss on her hairline and tell her sorry. He was always sorry. 

‘You can’t keep doing this. Not unless you’re ready for this to be real.’  

Robby nodded, eyes closing to stave off the guilt ridden headache approaching. They were going in circles, and it was all his doing. He’d been the architect of this entire disaster, and he continued to make it worse. 

It was hard to remember why he was denying it, when he could still see her hair splayed out on her pillow that late sunday morning. Could still remember how soft the skin on her shoulder blades was on his fingertips. The smell of her floral body wash when he’d buried his nose into the curve of her neck. The way she called his name when he’d buried himself inside her, how tight she was around him when she came. 

He dreamed of it - of her - every fucking night. Memories that countered all the horrific ones that plagued his mind and agonised him. The ones with her just haunted him in a completely different way. 

Aleah took a step back from Robby, taking his silence as her answer. He watched her leave, while that damned iced coffee melted on the table.

Chapter Text

you're good at the falling, not staying there

you're good at the giving too much then getting scared

‘Dad, I know I said I was gonna be over for dinner but the ED was slammed. I didn’t get home until ten.’ 

‘You’d think that you would make more time for your sick father.’ Bruce Summers shot. There wasn’t any malice behind his words, but it wasn’t said with softness. ‘Anyone would think you’re deliberately avoiding me, Aleah.’ 

He was right, she was doing anything to avoid him. Avoid seeing his sunken eyes, listening to his hacking coughs. Seeing him so frail peeled layers of her skin and muscle back, until a fist dug into her chest and yanked out her heart. 

It was hard seeing him that way, but even worse knowing how mean he was getting. How cruel he could get after three glasses of red, when his physical pain was dulled but the bars that contained all that repressed, emotional baggage unlocked. 

‘That’s not fair. I literally moved states for you, didn’t I?’ She could hear footsteps coming from above, and turned to face the door of the viewing room just as boots met her eye line. Followed by some very recognisable cargos. Shit. She hoped coming in half an hour early would grant her some peace for this phone call. 

‘Lot of use that did. You spend all your damn time at that hospital, avoiding your father.’

Aleah grit her teeth, inhaling deeply and pulling back from saying the shit she really wanted to say. That it was fucking rich he pulled that on her; considering he avoided her for the three months she’d been hospitalised, or the fact he’d taken three days to get to Cambridge after she’d found her mom in the fucking bathtub. He was a collage of contradictions and hypocrisy. 

But she was the bad person if she brought it up.

‘I’ll come over today, alright?’ Her voice was shaky, the rage boiling slowly. Any longer on the phone, and she’d yell at him. Say things she’d feel terrible about later, when the anger subsided. ‘As soon as I’m done, I’ll head over.’ 

She could feel Robby’s steps slow, until he stood a few paces away. Evidently hovering. 

‘You okay?’ He asked, after she finally hung up. 

Aleah steeled herself, plastered on a smile and turned around to face him. ‘I’m fine. You don’t have to hover. That’s not “maintaining boundaries” behaviour.’ 

‘Actually, making sure my residents are in a healthy frame of mind is within professional boundaries. I have to make sure they’re well enough to take care of our patients.’ Robby’s smile was small, barely emerging from his beard. 

His stupidly attractive beard. God, it was all so unfair. His backpack was hooked over one shoulder, and a thermos cup was hanging from his other hand. Hair mussed, like he’d just woken up. Exactly like that Saturday morning. 

‘Well, you don’t have to worry about me.’ She pocketed her phone, heading back to the ED. ‘I’m all good, Dr Robinavitch.’ 

‘You’d talk to me, though, if you weren’t?’ 

The pandemonium and noise greeted their ears as soon as they’d pushed through the doors. It distracted them enough for Aleah to lie, and for Robby to not pull her up on it. 

‘Yeah, of course I would.’ 

She walked away before he could respond anyway. Heading straight for Abbot, who had waved her over from the charge station. It was coming up to seven, he should have been packing up to leave. 

Dr Jack Abbot always had a severe look on his face. A hardness borne from a life way before he’d entered the Pitt. Something that looked as if it would always haunt him. He walked around with a tightness to his shoulders, a morbid determination to save whoever he could. Right then, though, the tightness usually found in his jaw was softer. His eyes were the warmest Aleah had ever seen them. 

Why the hell was he looking at her like that?

‘What’s wrong?!’ She said, ‘You have a constipated look on your face.’ 

Abbot didn’t even acknowledge the joke. He just handed Aleah the iPad. ‘Your sister’s in central nine.’

‘What?’ She moved, but Abbot gripped onto her elbow gently. 

‘Partial placental abruption. She came in overnight with bleeding, didn’t wanna worry you or your dad-’ 

‘-has she been on her own all this time?! You didn’t think it was worth picking up the phone?!’

Abbot’s eyes narrowed. ‘Aleah, I have to respect the patient's wishes.’ 

‘Take a breath.’ That was Robby, of course he’d followed her. His hand on the back of her neck was grounding, and it settled the nausea climbing up her throat. He leaned in close as he spoke, and Aleah fought the heat rushing to her cheeks as Abbot’s gaze moved between the pair. 

Robby directed his next question to Abbot. ‘Why isn’t she upstairs already?’

‘We’re waiting on a bed. Placenta hasn’t completely detached, so the baby is still getting oxygen. She’s gonna need to stay upstairs until delivery, though, under close observation.’ 

‘I bet she loved hearing that.’ Naturally, doctors made the worst patients. Maya would go in hall of fame of terrible fucking patients, too. ‘Did you at least call Hanako? Her wife?’ 

Aleah placed the iPad back in Abbot’s hands when he shook his head. She shrugged off both his and Robby’s hands, heading toward her sister's room. She should have known today would be a shitty one from the moment she’d answered her dad’s call.

‘I called Hanako, she’s getting the first flight out here.’ 

Maya looked at Aleah with annoyance, but it lasted for about five seconds before it melted away. Bags framed her eyes, and her left arm was laying limp at her side, receiving a unit of blood. Only her second in the last four hours, thankfully.

‘If you couldn’t call me, you could have at least called your wife, Maya.’ Seeing her big sister this weakened was like being stuck with a sharp, cold blade wedged between Aleah’s ribs.

It made every breath hurt, every pump of her heart feel like her last. Maya was not a vulnerable person. She never cried, never yelled or shared any opinion that was below the edge of indifferent boredom. 

Their father’s mirror image, rarely did people assume she and Aleah were sisters. Maya’s reflected their fathers green ones, her hair the same shade of dark blonde. The only indication of their mothers Algerian heritage was the shared nose; long, a soft bump toward the tip. They’d both gotten her full, wide lips too. 

Thankfully. Apparently Maya would have hated it if she’d inherited Bruce Summers severe lips. She’d already gotten his chin.

Her sister shrugged. ‘She’s on the biggest case of her career, it’s all over east coast news stations. Some football player’s suing his old team. The owners said some racist shit to him before pushing him out.’

‘The NFL is racist. Shocking.’ Aleah deadpanned. 

Maya’s amusement was barely there, but she could see the corner of Maya’s lip tick upward. ‘I didn’t want her to have to fly back until I was sure it was serious.’

For someone who had been told their baby’s umbilical cord was partially detached, she was ridiculously calm. How unfair, to never be rattled even under the most distressing of circumstances. Though Aleah supposed her calm temperament was probably helping. 

That was Maya’s style, like their father. Never wanting a fuss, never wanting to make a big deal of anything. Never wanting to attract attention. Sometimes to their own detriment. 

‘You didn’t call dad, did you?’ 

Aleah shook her head. ‘No, I didn’t.’

‘He was so… unlike himself at dinner last night. Short tempered. Mean. I mean, I know he can be mean.’ Maya paused, running a hand through her hair. ‘But meaner than usual. Cruel.’ 

‘He’s always been cruel.’ Aleah countered, a bitter edge to her words. ‘He’s just never been that cruel to you. ’

Maya looked guilty. She never looked guilty. The wobble of her lips, and glassy sheen in her eyes alarmed Aleah, to the point she reached out to softly caress Maya’s hand. Regret tasted bitter in her mouth.

‘It’s not the time to talk about it, just rest.’ 

‘I’m sorry,’ Maya said, ‘but you don’t know what he’s like with me. The type of pressure he’s always put on me.’

‘ Maya. ’ Aleah pressed, taking a seat on the edge of her bed. ‘I said just rest. It doesn’t matter right now, alright? None of that matters.’ 

Her sister nodded, and it was the first time Aleah had had to take care of Maya. To soothe her emotions, and wipe away her tears. Maya would probably just put it down to hormones and exhaustion, and she wouldn’t argue. She could be just as scary as their dad. 

‘A bed will be ready for you soon, so just try and get some sleep until then.’ She shut off the light as she left the room.

Something a lot like affection loosened Aleah’s chest as she watched her sister's head settle into the pillow. It had been a long time since she’d felt anything but resentment toward her. Health emergencies would do that to you. 

Falling into a chair at one of the workstations, Aleah almost groaned when she spotted Dana coming up to her. Concern replaced the irate frown usually found on the charge nurse, and she bent to lean both hands on the desk. 

‘You okay, kiddo?’ 

‘Why does everyone keep asking me that?!’ Aleah sighed. ‘Did he send you over to ask?! I’m fine. I’d be a lot better if people stopped asking me.’

‘I’m asking,’ Dana sniped, following it with a squeeze on Ahleah’s shoulder, ‘because you got a big headache coming your way.’ 

‘What do you mean?’ Aleah frowned, but her question was answered by an agitating, grating voice that she’d been trying to find ways to avoid since childhood.

‘Get your hands off me! Do you know who I am?! I own this damn department. I want to see my daughter.’ 

Bruce Summers was pushing against both Abbot and Donnie simultaneously. Aleah didn’t even know why the former was still here, his shift had ended an hour ago. Olsen and Ahmad were at her dads back, hands hovering just a few centimetres away from his shoulders. 

He was yelling out for Maya. How the fuck did he find out?!

The velocity of Aleah’s steps could have fucking rivalled that roadrunner cartoon. She’d pushed herself between Abbot and Donnie, placing a hand on her dads shoulder. He was tall, stupidly tall. The type of tall that she knew probably made her mom weak in the knees when they first met. 

‘Dad, I need you to calm down. You’re making a scene.’ She made sure to sound as non-confrontational as she could. The same low, even tone she used whenever they had dinner. ‘Maya is fine, but she’s resting.’

‘Well I want to see her.’ He countered, and the way he shoved off Aleah’s hand was a bit too hard. Hard enough for Abbot’s grip to tighten on Bruce’s elbow and growl out a warning. 

‘I suggest you calm down.’ 

‘Why didn’t you tell me she was here?! What good are you to me in this place if you don’t call as soon as your sister-’

‘-she doesn’t want to see you!’ Aleah snapped. ‘Alright? She didn’t want you here , because all you’d do is stress her out and that’s not what she needs.’ 

‘Don’t be so dramatic,’ Bruce scoffed, but his force lessened the tighter Abbot’s hold got. ‘You’re always making everything bigger than it needs to be.’ 

‘Well, she asked me not to call you, so I don’t think it’s very fucking dramatic of me. Do you?’

Bruce blinked, and it was the first time Aleah had ever seen her father stunned into silence. She was palpably aware of the fact several eyes were on them, that patients and staff were watching this unfold, and it made her insides churn. It felt like her gut was being cut open, spilling out every ugly, humiliating thing about her that she’d tried so hard to conceal. To leave at home. 

‘She is stable, and she is resting. If you go in there all guns blazing, angry because she didn’t call, you’ll make things worse. So, go and wait in the family room and relax. You look a mess.’ 

He did. His skin was paler than usual, an almost yellow pallor beneath. His heavy breaths were not from anger, but from the cancer wreaking havoc on his throat and lungs. Nodding at Olsen and Ahmad, the pair stepped away and headed back to the ambulance bay doors. Donnie eased back, as did Abbot. Until she felt the latter just a few paces away. Like a personal bodyguard. 

If Aleah wasn’t so worked up, she’d have time to ponder whether he was hanging around on Robby’s request. She couldn’t find the Chief. 

‘I’ve allowed your disrespect to slide for too long. I’m your father, I demand a better attitude after everything I’ve given you.’ He said slowly, patience evidently thinning. 

But so was Aleah’s. 

‘The only thing you gave me was trauma and an overpaid therapist.’ She snapped. 

‘It’s impossible to reason with you. You’re too quick to lose your temper, too emotional to have any type of conducive conversation with. Your reactions are too much like your mothers.’ 

Aleah laughed. Loud, manic and disbelieving. They were going there. They were really going there. It didn’t matter that they were in the middle of the fucking ED, that employees he was - technically - the boss of were watching he and his family break down. That he was insulting one of the department's own doctors. 

He wanted to go there? Fine, Aleah would go as low as hell. 

‘You’re an asshole. An honest to god fucking asshole .’ She said, unsure of just how loud her voice was rising. Apparently enough for Collins and Robby to step out of Trauma One. 

‘What’s worse, is that you know you’re an asshole, and you know you get away with it because you’re fucking dying. We have to take it, because you’re dying.’ 

Aleah didn’t know when the tears had spilled over, but so much heat was burning through her veins that the thought of how embarrassing this all was wouldn’t register until the blaze inside her dimmed down. She couldn’t see straight, her head spun. Like when you were a kid and you’d been spinning in the same spot for too long. 

‘You're a shitty father, and you were an even shittier husband! Mom was never over emotional, she was sick . I was sick. I was twenty-years-old, and you left me alone with my mothers body for three fucking days. Three days .’

‘Aleah...’ She didn’t know who was calling her name, it could have been anyone. Her ears were ringing too loudly to register a tone. ‘Take it easy.’ 

When a hand landed on her arm, she shrugged it off. 

‘I was twenty, and traumatised, and needed my dad. And you didn’t fucking come . Then you left me in that hospital for three months and didn’t visit me once. You wonder why I’m so emotional?!’ 

Bruce’s face was red. Redder than Aleah had ever seen. It gave her drive, gave her fuel to keep going. To make him hurt as deeply as he’d hurt her. 

‘The worst fucking part is that you get to be forgiven. You’re dying, so what kind of daughter am I if I don’t forgive my dying dad?! You’re granted peace that you never deserved, while me and Maya suffer. Fuck you.’ 

Aleah fought against the hands pulling her away. ‘ Fuck you! ’ 

A chasm of fury and sadness settled between Aleah and her father. Until a pair of strong arms wrapped around her waist, yanking her backward. Her dad’s yelling became unintelligible, but evidently cruel enough to have Robby stepping in front, blocking Bruce from her vision. 

‘Just take a breath.’ Abbot ordered, forcefully guiding her into the viewing room. ‘Calm down.’ 

‘Do you think it’s smart to tell a rightfully angry woman to calm down, Dr Abbot?’ It was a shitty attempt at a joke, but the snort of amusement that escaped Abbot made it feel worth it.

‘I’ll take my chances, Summers.’

Her chest felt so tight, like every breath was an uphill battle and she was losing. It felt like her heart was being excavated, and she wondered if this was what it would be like to have anaesthesia wear off in real time on an operating table. 

‘I can’t breathe.’ She sobbed, ‘I c-can’t breathe.’ 

‘Head between your knees.’ He commanded, and Aleah did as she was told. 

Because something about Abbot, about the way he commanded a room and always sounded so sure of himself, so certain that he could take care of everyone, made her trust him. She inhaled deeply, between sobs, as she bent over. 

‘Atta girl,’ he said, ‘just keep breathing.’ 

She focused on her techniques; counting to five with every inhale, another five with an exhale. Naming five things she could feel, four she could hear, three she could smell, two she could see. 

The door opened, and Aleah spotted Robby’s sneakers, coming to stand beside Abbot’s boots. The two whispered between them, too low for her to hear. It was hurried, and if she wasn’t imagining things, it sounded a lot like Abbot was angry with Robby. The door opened again, and Abbot’s boots disappeared from view. 

When her head started to feel light, Aleah stood back up to full height. Blinking through the stupid tears and stupid dizziness. Humiliation bleeding into her chest. God, she’d just aired out her families dirty fucking laundry in front of colleagues and complete strangers. She’d have to walk back into the ED knowing that her daddy issues were the hottest piece of gossip amongst her peers.

‘Aleah, it’s okay. You can look at me.’ 

She couldn’t look at Robby, though, it was too upsetting. So, Aleah stared at the wall. 

‘Come on, sweetheart. Look at me.’ 

She shook her head, biting down on her bottom lip. ‘He came for her. I spoke to him like an hour ago, and between then he found out she was sick and he ran here.’

The jealousy was stifling. The unfairness of it all, of how obviously her father loved her less, wrapped itself around her neck. Suffocating her.

‘He ran here to see her, Robby. He’s sick, and he can barely fucking breathe, but the second he found out Maya was admitted, he came here.’ A sob burst from her lips. ‘I didn’t even get a phone call.’ 

It was the most blatant display of whom he loved more. Who he’d never really cared about. 

‘Why am I not good enough? Is something wrong with me?’ 

Her tears came fast. Hot, fat ones accompanied with an overwhelmingly heavy stone in her chest, weighing her entire body down. Until she couldn’t see through the blur and Robby was pulling her into his chest. Until her knees began to buckle, and he kept her standing. Until her sobs wracked her whole body, and her cries must have been heard beyond the doors of the viewing room. 

Robby’s lips remained against the crown of her head, whispering words of comfort that she couldn’t hear. But the softness in them, the way his smooth voice reverberated across her skin, eased her into something pliable. Relaxed her muscles, and massaged the tension out of her aching chest. Until her sobs were nothing but tiny hiccups, interrupting her breaths in small increments. 

Until Robby spoke again. 

‘There is not a damn thing wrong with you, Aleah.’ His hand held her at the nape, brushing against her hair. Palm wide, his thumb ghosted the shell of her ear while his fingertips massaged the side of her neck. ‘You are… the most exceptional person I’ve ever met. You’re more than enough.’ 

Robby separated them by a few inches, so that he should cup her jaw with both hands and fix his hazel eyes on her. 

‘You’re funny, a little intense about your hyperfixation hobby of the week, but I think that makes you adorable.’ A breath of amusement escaped her. ‘You’re a damn good doctor, and you’re smart. I mean you have an expensive matcha latte addiction, but I can live with that.’ 

He tilted her head up, wiping away the stray tears on her cheek. An almost identical mirror image to when she’d found him in the prep room weeks ago. Aleah tried not to let the stutter of her heart become too loud. 

‘You breathe life into everything you touch. You breathed life into me.’

Calloused thumbs rubbing circles into her cheeks, softened hazel eyes watching every flicker of her gaze, the slope of her nose, her moist lips, it was all too much. Robby always looked at her this way. Looked at her like he was seeing her for the first time, like she was the opening act of a sunrise. The first flashes of pastel pink and peach tones that stained a darkened sky. It lifted that weight from her chest, restarted her heart. It regulated her breathing, soothed her scorched wound with a healing balm. 

She was so in love with this stupid, kind, old man. 

It was definitely her that started kissing him first, Aleah had no problem admitting that. Though she was certain that had she waited a second - one tiny, little second - he would have made the first move. 

There were two different types of kisses with Robby. The first couple had been hungry, messy kisses. The ones that made Aleah feel like he was lighting her body on fire. Those were hard kisses, the type that took your breath away and made you light headed. The type that made Aleah think Robby would die without kissing her. 

The second was attentive, slow. He’d start with her neck, or her cheeks, before capturing her lips. He would wake her up like that, or join her in the shower that way, before sliding into her. He’d come up to her from behind, slip his hands around her waist while she’d be making them lunch and do that slow, soft kiss. It was like he was mapping a constellation across her. Committing her lips to memory, because he was scared of forgetting what she felt like.

This one was the first. Hot, and rushed and too much tongue but not enough. He held her face tightly, reverently. As if he feared she’d disappear. Aleah couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, and it was like he’d stolen her breath right from her. God, was kissing him always this good? 

Maybe it was even better. Fuck, she needed his clothes off. Robby helped as she pulled at his hoodie, pushing it off until it dropped at his feet. 

‘Fuck, I missed the taste of you.’ He mumbled, pulling her clip off. 

Her hair tumbled down her back, and Robby’s hands wove into the strands, pulling her head back. His tongue ran along her bottom lip, and she could feel the heat pooling between her thighs. Her hands dove beneath his shirt, fingertips ghosting across his skin, pushing his shirt up. When she reached his chest hair, Robby groaned, pushing her up against the wall, pressing a thigh between hers. 

‘Touch me,’ she begged, she didn’t even care that she was begging. ‘I need you to touch me, please .’ 

‘That’s my girl.’ He breathed, and obliged. Releasing her hair, and Aleah could have sworn that anywhere his hand touched, even grazed, her body lit up. 

She knew he loved it when she said please, had made a recurring demand for it before. His hand reached beneath her scrubs, over her underwear, then the curve of her ass. Losing her mind was a damn possibility with the way he was touching her, the way his lips didn’t dare stray from her own. 

Then it was gone. 

He pulled himself from her grip, the cold air stinging her wet, raw lips. His hands were absent from her ass, and in her hair. 

‘Shit. Shit. ’ He said, pressing the base of his palms into his eyes. ‘I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.’

He was leaving her. Again. 

‘You’re kidding, right?’ 

Robby bent, picked up his discarded hoodie. ‘You’re emotional, vulnerable. I shouldn’t have taken advantage like that.’ 

‘Robby, I kissed you .’ She countered, then laughed. ‘I would have kissed you even if I hadn’t been crying just now. I would have kissed you yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that. ’

He shook his head, planting his hands on his hips. ‘Aleah.’

‘I have wanted to kiss you like that for almost three months, Robby.’ His face crumpled, and he turned away from her. She was getting good at knowing when he was one touch away from crumbling, because he always turned his back to her. ‘And I know you wanted to kiss me too.’ 

He left her there, again, with the door wide open and like she wasn’t worth an answer.

Chapter Text

we can't be friends, but I'd like to just pretend

you cling to your papers and pens,

wait until you like me again

Making a list of all the times he’d ever fucked up would have taken weeks, perhaps months. He’d even have to divide it into two lists; work and life. 

Aleah topped both for Robby. He’d never - in his memory, at least - had consistently, repeatedly, catastrophically kept fucking up as much as he did with her. What was worse? He didn’t know how to stop. It was like someone had severed the brakes of his car, and all he could do was keep his foot on the gas and watch himself gradually accelerate until inevitably reaching his own demise.

It was getting noticeable, too. The cold shoulder she was giving him, the stilted, awkward presenting where he tried to look anywhere but at her face, all the while feeling prying eyes on the both of them. The tension had coiled tightly, discomfort seeping into their bones until they navigated around each other with difficulty. With clumsy avoidance that made him long for that night beside her, watching her sleep. When none of it had mattered. 

He was a broken record, he knew it. Yet he couldn’t stop his eyes from seeking her out, couldn’t stop the drop of his stomach whenever he couldn’t immediately find her. Couldn’t stop from diverting his gaze the moment he did, momentarily soothed by knowing she was near him. 

It was pathetic. Obvious. 

That had become abundantly clear, one morning, when the first thing Jack had said to him concerned her. 

‘So, you fucked your new resident.’ 

‘Hell of a way to say good morning.’ Robby leaned on the railing, fixing his gaze below. ‘Bad night?’

Abbot shook his head, and it wasn’t with amusement - something he tended to lean toward - it was annoyance. ‘Having tenure doesn’t mean you’re untouchable, man. Her father’s on the damn board, they hate us enough as it is.’ 

‘They’d last an hour without us.’ Robby was deflecting. He knew it, Jack knew it. 

It was the only way he could get through this horrific conversation without feeling like his chest was being crushed. 

‘Michael, you can’t date residents.’ Jack pressed, stepping back from the railing to face him. ‘It’s a fucking disaster waiting to happen.’ 

There was a lot Robby could have said. Unkind shit, like “is that the reason why you look at Mohan the way you do”, but it would have been unfair. Petty. 

‘I’m not dating her.’ He sighed out, running a hand through his hair. Robby was pretty sure that he’d significantly greyed since this entire ordeal had begun. ‘It happened before she started at PTMH.’

He’d taken Jack off guard, if the silence was anything to go by. His friend shifted, minutely, before looking back out to the horizon. ‘Fuck. She the girl Dana was harping on about?’

Nodding was the only thing he could manage then. That memory seemed like a lifetime ago, in reality it had been four months. Four months of wishing she didn’t work for him, four months of wishing she didn’t see what he was like in this world. 

‘She asked me to switch to night shift.’ 

That had Robby snapping his head back to Jack. Something a lot like fury leaching into his words. ‘She what?’ 

Jack had the decency to look contrite. ‘She’s swapped enough shifts with Ellis and Shen that she’s solidly on nights for a month. I thought you’d both… well, I thought you’d been fucking your resident, and that her being on a different shift would knock some sense into you. So I said it was fine with me.’ 

Robby didn’t really think he had a right to be angry with Jack, not really. He’d pushed Aleah to this point. He’d hurt her enough to think she needed to be on the opposite fucking shift to him. Still, the frustration and annoyance settled in his chest like a squatter, refusing to vacate. It would sit with him all damn shift too, worsened by the sight of her clipped curls and curve of her body in those scrubs. 

He tucked his hands into the pockets of his cargos, standing to full height. 

‘You’re in love with her.’ Jack realised, incredulity colouring his voice. Like he thought he was stupid for not seeing it earlier.

Robby didn’t see the point in denying it. 

‘Yeah. I am.’ 

But he would never tell her. He would never do that to her.  

‘Nineteen-year-old female found by her roommate in the shower. Lacerations on the wrists and thighs.’ Santos listed off, there was a frantic look in her eye that Robby rarely spotted in her. ‘She used razor blades.’ 

She helped Aleah transfer the patient onto the gurney, Princess and Matteo assisting in stemming the blood flow. 

‘I need a unit of O-Neg.’ Aleah called out, rounding the gurney to grab a sterile gown. Replacing her bloodied gloves for new ones. 

Robby was at her side, hand hovering over her shoulder, but not quite touching. She had yet to look at him. 

‘You sure you can do this?’ He asked tentatively, gently. ‘Collins can take over.’ 

It was meant to be an olive branch. A get-out-of-jail free card, so that she wouldn’t feel obligated to linger. To work on something that would no doubt pick at the healing scab of her own wound. 

‘I’m fine.’ She brushed him off. Returning to the gurney, and prompting Santos to tell her what they needed to do next. 

He wove between Princess, ignoring the side eye the nurse gave him as he folded his arms. A pathetic attempt to keep himself from touching Aleah as he stopped at her side again. 

‘I don’t think this is a good idea-’

‘Why?!’ Aleah shot back, uncaring of volume. ‘Because I tried to kill myself a decade ago?’

She continued to work on the patient, but the edge in her voice made it evident - to Robby - that this was hard for her. There was a shake to her hands she was trying hard to ignore. Her question had effectively silenced the entire room, unease permeating the air as Princess deliberately kept her gaze on the patient and Mateo went through the patient's vitals. 

There had never been an attempt to conceal the scars on her wrists, but it was just something people didn’t talk about. No one asked, because she didn’t bring it up. Until now. 

‘Aleah.’ He hated the way guilt always seemed to rip apart his ribcage when it came to her.

‘I have been just fine since then. I have worked on patients just like her.’ She looked up, directly across the gurney. ‘Dr Santos, you’ve stalked my file, right? What hospital did I come from?’ 

Trinity looked between Aleah and her Chief Attending, her startled gaze soon morphed into something less like a deer in headlights. She began to stutter out her answer. 

‘Uh- Lincoln Hospital. South Bronx. A-Adult trauma centre, I think.’ 

‘That’s right. The busiest trauma centre in the city.’ Aleah nodded. She still hadn’t looked at Robby. ‘I saw cases just like this, multiple times. I am fine. I am capable of taking care of my patient.’ 

‘That’s not what I mean-’

‘Dr Robinavitch!’ Aleah’s voice registered at a volume just below a yell, she gripped onto the patient's rails with a tightness that made her gloves stretch until they almost looked white. ‘You are getting in the way of me adequately caring for my patient. Please, either stay and supervise or just let me do my job.’ 

He could have ordered her to step back, to retreat and let Collins take over. He could have chastised her then and there for losing her temper, and yelling at him. Robby could have done a lot of things, in front of nurses, and the interns and charges. Who all seemed to be in varying degrees of shock, but keenly interested in a way that was only typical of a nosy ED employee. 

Instead, he took in Aleah’s red eyes and pink nose. The upset digging into the skin between her brows, the way her bottom lip was red raw from being bitten. He was killing her. Everything he was doing was eating away inside of her, and it had never been as clear as in those two seconds of eye contact.

So, although he could have done all those things, he didn’t. Throwing his hands up in mock surrender, he took a step back. Observing in silence by the doors as Santos and Aleah worked on saving a college student's life. 

She was gonna have to apologise.

Not that Aleah had a particular problem with that. She knew when to atone for behaving like a shitty person. It was just that Aleah’s temper was rarely out of control, she prided herself in having the patience of a… hm. Saint felt too cliche. What other creature or person was patient? A parent of twin toddlers? No, they always looked frazzled. 

She absently wiped away dried blood off her patient - Bianca Mason - while she went through the list of possibilities. They’d gotten the bleeding under control, and then Aleah had talked Santos through completing a whipstitch. Now that her wrists and thighs were dressed, she was just waiting on a bed.

Aleah’s shift had finished, but she was waiting with Bianca. The kid had no one else, she and her roommate weren’t actually friends and her parents were in California. It didn’t seem right for a nineteen year old to be there by herself. Aleah would have liked it if someone had been there when she woke up. 

‘What do you think, B? What animals are patient? Turtles? Owls? Am I as patient as an owl?’ 

The doors to trauma one slid open, and Santos stepped in. Her hair was down, and she’d changed out of her scrubs. The kid looked tired, strung out, but she dropped her backpack in the corner, released a long sigh, and walked to the opposite side of the gurney. 

‘What are we talking about?’

‘I’m tryna think of patient animals that are like me. Do you think I’m like an owl?’ 

To Trinity’s credit, she didn’t even blink. Just pondered it, seriously. ‘A capybara. I’d say you’re like a capybara.’

Aleah laughed, ‘and what is a capybara like?’

‘They’re friendly and social, and patient. You talk a lot - no, in a nice way! You’re conversational. I’d say you’re capybara.’ 

Aleah nodded, halting in her cleaning as she looked up at Trinity. ‘Then I’m a capybara.’ 

Santos prepped her own tray, and then gently took hold of Bianca’s opposite wrist, replicating Aleah’s languid strokes as she cleaned beneath her fingernails. Aleah moved to between her fingertips, and as she held Bianca’s forearm, her scarred wrist was on display.

Maybe she was just hyper aware of people right then - after the embarrassing way she’d yelled at Robby earlier that afternoon, and the way she’d screamed at her dad the week before - but Aleah could feel Santos’ eyes on her wrist.

‘You can ask me about it. I’m not gonna cry.’ She looked up at her for a second. ‘Just, you know, don’t be an asshole.’ 

There was pause, brief and loaded but not uncomfortable. 

‘Why did you do it? If you, like, just lost your mom the same way?’ 

She’d be a millionaire if she got a dollar every time she was asked that question. Fair. She understood why people asked that. 

‘My mom was the only person who always chose me.’ She said quietly, wiping blood off of Bianca’s brow. ‘My dad always chose my sister, and my sister always chose her career. So, it felt like my mom was the only person on my team. We were really alike, and she was my best friend.’ 

That thickness building in her throat was easier to ignore when she kept her hands busy with cleaning Bianca.

‘I think I was just… really fucked up after the way I found her, and this is gonna sound so selfish, but I felt like she’d chosen death over me. I felt like… if my best friend didn’t choose me - my own mom - what was the point of being here? My world kind of ended and began with her, so when she died it felt like there was nothing left.’ 

Trinity said nothing, just let Aleah’s words settle between them. It was a nice silence, devoid of judgement and containing something akin to acceptance. If Aleah’s ability to read a room was correct. Santos had always had a soft spot for vulnerable, young patients, and she was beginning to understand why.

‘Do you regret it? Doing it?’

‘I have good and bad days.’ She admitted. ‘Before my residency I used to think about doing it again. A lot. Once I started at Lincoln, and meeting actual patients like me, I got better. Also, it helps that my dad’s a rich asshole. He’s been paying for a fucking good therapist for years .’

Santos' smile was soft, small. They’d finished up cleaning Bianca, and both eased back. The intern looked directly at Aleah.

‘I’m glad you’re still here.’ 

Jesus, was an intern gonna make her cry? Maybe. She couldn’t even say thank you, that stone in her throat had ballooned to a fucking boulder. If Santos realised that she’d made one of her teachers emotional to the point of fighting tears, she would never let Aleah live it down.

It would be used against her like a trump card when she wanted something. 

She changed the subject. ‘So, you liking ED?’

‘Yeah, it’s cool. I thought a lot about surgery for a while but - I don’t know, I like the Pitt. Like the team, even though I don’t think they like me very much.’

‘Why wouldn’t we like you?’ Aleah asked, tilting her head to catch Trinity’s eye.

The intern shrugged. ‘You know what happened to the guy you replaced right?’ 

‘I know the cliffs notes version.’ Which was true, that night with Robby she had gotten an abbreviated version. Conveniently missing the fact they worked in the ED.

But he’d been clear about one thing; his resentment toward himself. That he hadn’t realised Frank was even struggling, that he hadn’t been there for his junior. That he had failed him.  

‘I also know that you did the right thing by reporting him. For the hospital and for his sake. He’ll thank you one day.’

Santos’ lips dropped into a frown. ‘I’m not sure Dr Robby feels that way. Langdon was like his prodigal son.’ 

‘Robby believes in this place only running well if his staff are doing well.’ Aleah countered. Her certainty hardened her words as she tried to reassure Santos. ‘Langdon being clean is integral to that, whether he misses him or not. Robby knows - like I do - that what you did saved him. He appreciates you, don’t worry about that.’ 

She offered Santos a smile, but the junior didn’t return it. Instead, she gave Aleah a quizzical look, one that hinted at something just beneath it; knowing. 

‘Huh.’ 

‘What?’ Aleah said, back straightening. She didn’t know why she felt ready to defend herself.

‘Nothing, it’s just the first time you’ve called him Robby. You always call him Dr Robinavitch.’ 

The heat beneath her cheeks was definitely colouring red. Her mouth opened, then closed. Santos’ knowing look developed into something a little too much like smugness. 

Luckily, for Aleah, she wouldn’t have to explain herself.

‘Dr Summers.’ That voice was like a fucking siren call to her now. 

She turned, and Robby was hovering by the doors to the prep room. How long had he been standing there? God, had he heard that entire conversation? 

‘I need to speak with you.’ 

‘Sure.’ She pulled off her gloves, throwing them into the toxic waste bin. Before she followed Robby, she shot Santos a look over her shoulder. ‘Don’t stay late, go home and sleep. She’s going upstairs soon.’ 

Trinity saluted her before the doors slid closed. 

Robby’s office was sparse. Little indicated that it even belonged to him; there was a solitary desk, an apple monitor and a few folders beside the keyboard. No photos, no old coffee mugs or strewn pens on the desk. Not even a hoodie hanging off the back of his chair. It was windowless, sterile. She supposed he’d never had the time to make it his own, the ED didn’t exactly leave room for office hours.

Fuck knew how he managed to fill out budget request forms, or write recommendation letters for residents and staff. 

He guided her in, closing the door behind her. The noise of the ED instantly muted, and it was a lot like when she squeezed her head between pillows to calm her spiralling thoughts. Leaning against the door, hands tucked into his hoodie pockets, Robby’s eyes tracked her slowly. From top to bottom, then back up, landing on her eyes.

She broke first. Naturally.

‘I’m sorry, Dr Robinavitch.’ She could have sworn he scrunched his face in annoyance. ‘I shouldn’t have spoken that way to you before, it was out of line.’ 

‘Why do you keep calling me that?’ He rubbed at his eyes, a humourless laugh escaping. ‘I keep telling you to call me Dr Robby, or just Robby.’ 

She paused before answering. Mainly because she knew he wouldn’t like it. ‘I just can’t.’ 

‘That’s not an answer’ He took a step forward, and she took one back. ‘Why?’

‘Stop it.’ She muttered, finding it too difficult to look away from him. 

‘Why, Aleah? Why can everyone in this hospital call me that, except you?’ 

‘Because you were Robby to me first!’ She snapped, and Aleah was so sick of feeling that way. 

She was sick of feeling frayed, stretched to her limits. She was sick of this stupid push and pull with him, sick of him taking what he wanted and then falling back. It was bullshit. 

‘You can’t be Dr Robby to me now, because when we met you were just Robby. You were the Robby that held me when I cried, the Robby I made sunday lunch with, the Robby who knew that I couldn’t have coffee in the fucking afternoons.’ 

She swallowed her tears. ‘You were the Robby that made love to me for one, perfect weekend. Robby is who I fell in love with. I can’t call you that here.’

His jaw shook, and the way he was looking at her was the opposite of what she wanted. It was choking with longing, with a pain he had inflicted himself, but couldn’t seem to relieve. Wouldn't relieve. It was a look that detested the chasm between them, that spoke to the horrific, empty space occupying both their chests. Aleah hated him, because he would never fill it. Not really. 

‘What do you want me to do, Aleah?’ He whispered, and she detested how lost he sounded. 

‘I don’t want you to do anything. I can’t make you choose me, Robby.’ She felt the first couple of traitorous tears fall. ‘We both know it’s not just the fact you’re my boss.’ 

‘Yes it-’

‘Robby.’ She interrupted, pressing her eyes tightly together. ‘We’ve never once lied to each other, so don’t lie to me now. Please.’ 

His lips trembled, and this time he had to look away.

‘You wanted someone that didn’t know this part of you. You wanted me to be separated from this because then I could be this gentle, untainted safe space for you.’ He was shaking his head, rubbing the nape of his neck. Aleah barrelled on, because once she’d started it was like vomit. She couldn’t fucking stop. ‘The moment you realised I wasn’t that, I stopped being good enough.’ 

‘No.’ He snapped, closing the space between them, halting just a few inches from Aleah. His resolve evidently tenuous enough to not allow himself to touch her. But she wanted him to, she wanted him to so badly . 

‘Don’t do that. It’s not true, you have always been my first choice.’

She smiled, and through the blur in her tears she could barely make out Robby’s face anymore. ‘We wouldn’t be having this conversation if I was.’ 

Robby didn’t have a retort. He just continued to stare at her, disbelieving, contrite. Running his hands through his hair as he pulled back, moved away from her. Reinstating the distance he claimed to hate so much, yet seemed so reluctant to erase. 

‘We need space.’ She eventually said. ‘This was never gonna work, we were stupid for thinking we could just… work together. Act like nothing happened between us. I can’t pretend I don’t love you, Robby.’ 

‘You don’t have to switch to nights,’ he said, though he kept his back to her. ‘We can make it work.’

Of course Abbot had told him. Like the senior attending would have done anything else, like let her tell Robby herself. Annoyance simmered away easily enough, and in its stead agony settled into her chest, her stomach. Making each inhale just as difficult as the last. 

‘No, we can’t. Not for a few months, at least.’ 

He moved back toward her, took both her hands in his. Robby’s breathing was laboured, in the exactly the same way it was before he cried into her naked chest. This wasn’t the type of proximity that promised surrender, though. There wouldn’t be a switch flipped where he would break and kiss her, tell her that he loved her too. 

Even with his nose grazing her own, Aleah had never felt more alone. 

‘We both know I need to fall out of love with you.’ She said quietly, breath and hurt simultaneously stuttering as his fingers tightened. ‘Please, just let me try.’

Chapter Text

I wouldn't want to spend a minute loving anybody else,

and if the sky falls from heaven above,

I know I had the best time falling into love

‘I can’t believe how small he is.’ Aleah whispered, cradling the newborn in her arms. ‘He’s small and squishy and so fucking cute.’

Courtesy of their dad, Maya had been placed in the best en-suite room in the Maternity ward. She spent three and half weeks in close observation before having her baby boy. Aleah’s first and only nephew. 

The room was dark, dimly lit thanks to one lamp in the corner. Maya lay back into her bed as Aleah stood at the foot of it, Hanako was asleep on the pull out cot in the corner. It was just past three in the morning. 

‘Shouldn’t you be going back to work?’ Maya whispered, exhaustion laced her tone. 

‘Abbot said I get ten minutes of cuddle time.’ Aleah said, refusing to take her eyes off of the tiny, wrapped up bundle in her arms. 

She was quickly becoming obsessed. ‘I’m milking it for all it’s worth.’ 

‘I’m being discharged in the morning, you can just come over after your shift and nap with him.’ 

Maya yawned, she’d given birth late afternoon. Sleep had been fitful for her, wedged between feeds and the coming and going of nurses. It was hard to try and sleep when you wanted to just stare at this adorable face all day. 

He had Hanako’s dark head of hair, which wasn’t a surprise since they’d used her egg. Maya would provide the next one, and Hanako would carry. It was an agreement they’d adorably made back in college - a week after meeting. 

‘Kenji Summers.’ Aleah said softly. ‘I’m gonna be the best fucking aunt you’ll ever have. I’m gonna spoil the shit out of you.’ 

‘Cute.’ Maya deadpanned. ‘Don’t get into the habit of cursing around him. I will not have a toddler that knows how to pronounce see you next Tuesday.’

‘He is literally like twelve hours old, you don’t need to spell it out just yet.’ Aleah shot back. 

Her fingers traced his dark brows, and the tiny slope of his nose. My god, were all babies this adorable? 

‘Alright, give him to me, I miss him.’ Maya said, arms outstretched. ‘And go back to the ED, pretty sure you‘ve exceeded ten minutes.’ 

Aleah let go of Kenji with a crushing amount of reluctance, sniffing his head one more time to get a whiff of that newborn baby smell. It was like crack to her. 

‘I’ll come see you after my shift.’ She promised, patting Maya on the head.

They didn’t do hugs. They’d never done hugs. Much like their father, Maya avoided it for most of their youth. She’d only ever seen her sister discreetly hold hands with Hanako. Watching her now snuggle up to baby Kenji was the most affectionate she had ever seen her sister.

When she reached the door, Maya gifted her one thing. ‘Dad keeps asking about you. I think he feels guilty. Will you call him?… please.’ 

She didn’t bother looking over her shoulder at Maya, nor did she bother to try explaining why she couldn’t speak to him. Not yet. It wasn’t just about the things he’d said that day, it was about all the things he didn’t say. All the things he didn’t do. Maya wouldn’t get it. 

So, instead, she said ‘I’ll think about it,’ closing the door behind her. 

There was something significantly smoother about the night shift. It wasn’t quieter, not by a long shot, but less… intense. The pace remained fast, patients remained distressed at the wait time, but the vibe was just… less anxiety inducing. Laid back, unflappable. 

Bridget was a good night charge nurse, the moon to Dana’s sun. Her first two weeks with Chen and Abbot had been bizarre; two unserious men who rarely ever looked flustered, let alone strained, if a trauma patient came in. Aleah had heard stories of Chen’s obscene amount of casualness when in the face of an emergency. Apparently, his blasè attitude was magnified during the Pittfest shooting. A saviour, if the stories from Samira and Cassie were anything to go by. 

It had taken some getting used to, but Aleah liked working with both he and Abbot as her attendings. Chen also always got her an iced, caffeinated drink with his own for the start of the shift. So, naturally, she was platonically in love with him. 

By week three, Ellis was back on nights. Like Chen, they’d only ever had passing conversations. But Ellis was dedicated, focused and simultaneously calm. God, what Aleah would give to just be fucking calm. Not just look it. It seemed so nice. 

It was all such a different pace on the night shift, and Aleah liked that. Really liked that.

‘Your boo in north five’s been asking after you.’ Ellis called out, passing her on the way to trauma one. 

‘Boo?!’ Aleah rounded on her, momentarily scandalised. ‘That’s gross! He’s basically twelve.’

Ellis answered with a smirk before the trauma doors slid closed.

Reaching the charge station, Abbot met her. He rested an arm on the desk and gave her a pointed look. Aleah ignored it as she grabbed one of the iPads. 

‘I said ten minutes. That was eighteen.’ 

‘Forgive a first time aunt for wanting to cuddle her newborn nephew.’ Abbot rolled his eyes, and Aleah laughed as she passed him. Patting his shoulder. ‘I won’t leave again.’ 

‘Bet your ass you’re not. That was your break.’ He yelled, and headed into trauma one after Ellis.

Sanitising her hands, she pulled back the curtain of North Five. ‘Hey Lucas, how you feeling?’ 

‘There she is! The brightest part of my day!’ 

Aleah laughed, shaking her head as she walked toward the kid. ‘I bet you tell all the doctors that.’

‘Nah, none of the others have a smile as pretty as yours.’ He grinned, widely and displaying all his teeth.

A big fat flirt. 

He was barely seventeen, the cutest smile in the world and in a gang. About twenty five boys - because that’s what they were - had swarmed in just after midnight in multiple stages of injuries. She didn’t know the details, but it seemed like two different groups had started shooting and stabbing pretty quickly. One fatality.  

Each patient was cuffed to their gurney, but the cops had emptied out to wait outside when it seemed like nothing else would go down.

‘Good news, no internal injuries. Looks like you’ll heal just fine with your stitches.’ Lucas had come in with two stab wounds in the stomach, and a broken arm.

Aleah had set that pretty quickly, and ordered a CT to make sure nothing was bleeding in his abdomen. All in all, a pretty lucky kid. 

‘You got magic hands, doc.’ He joked, but she could see the relief easing into him. Adorable little shit. ‘Thanks.’

The anxiety from being beside one of the dudes that probably stabbed him, with only a curtain between them, had cleared up around 2am. Hard to care about a fucking gang war when you could see your own stomach cut open. 

‘The cops will wanna talk to you soon, I think. Get a statement on your friend.’ 

Lucas had been stemming the bleeding of his friend when he’d been picked up, a shot to the throat had hit his carotid. Lucas had seen who shot him since it was close range, and he was also the only reason his friend had even made him to the hospital, and to the OR.

‘How is he?’ He asked, earnest and vulnerable and looking exactly his age. ‘Is he gonna be okay?’

God, he actually was a baby. 

‘He’s still in surgery, but so far he’s doing well. He’s a fighter.’ She said softly, checking his vitals absently. He was fine, she didn’t need to be there. Aleah just had a soft spot for Lucas. 

He was the type of kid that sometimes came in, and instantly set off warning signals. The type you knew was vulnerable, and no likely to ever ask for help. You had to reach out, had to extend the hand ninety percent of the way and hope they took the final ten percent and leap.

‘You had some time to think about what I said?’ Aleah eased into a stool beside him, wheeling closer so that her voice was low.

Lucas wouldn’t look at her. His dark eyes darted at any blank corner of the cubicle, and Aleah waited patiently. Quietly. He hated silence, that was easy enough to gather when he’d first come in. If she waited, he’d talk. 

Sweat mattered his tanned skin, though the aircon was blasting. He was nervous. 

‘I can’t.’ He said eventually, deciding to fix his gaze on his cast. ‘You know I can’t.’

‘Yes, you can.’ She pressed. ‘There’s a bunch of resources we have here. Our social workers are great, if you need to find somewhere to stay we can help.’

He shook his head vigorously, and a panicked look was directed toward the closed curtain. Like he expected someone to come through and shoot him on the spot.

‘You were lucky, Lucas. Two stab wounds is no joke. That might not be the case next time.’ 

His eyes drifted to Aleah’s slowly, without any of the confidence he’d had when she initially walked in. He looked every bit his age. Scared, alone. Lucas had no family, he’d never finished school, he lived with the men who had recruited him since he was fifteen. He deserved a chance.

They all did, if she was being honest. A judge would be more inclined to disagree with her, though. 

Lucas’ mouth opened, and hope edged its way into her chest as surrender seemed to be emerging. 

It all happened pretty fast after that. 

The yelling just outside, the curtains being violently pulled back, partially ripped away. Aleah stood just as she watched two men swarm Brians - the one nightshift security staff they had on this side of the waiting room. He fought them off, and the faint sound of Ellis screaming out asking where the cops were merged with Lucas’ yelling from behind. 

Aleah stood just as one guy stepped into their space, dark blonde hair matted with blood. Cuffs hanging from his left arm, mangled, and a knife dangling from the other. A fucking buck 120. 

Their insults were hurled in a language she didn’t fully grasp, gagauz maybe, if her expensive education was correct. 

Thinking would have come in handy. Then Aleah wouldn’t have automatically placed herself between the idiot with a knife and Lucas, despite her instinct to protect him. She blinked, and the knife came down. The tip wedged into the corner between her left eye and nose, and dragged down. A white, hot lick of agony exploded in her cheek and neck. Aleah pushed into the guy, and both stumbled back. 

She didn’t realise the screaming was coming from her. Shrill, ear piercing, rattling her bones.

Her vision went white, one hand flying to her neck on instinct. She knew she was bleeding, and if he’d cut her carotid Aleah had minutes to stem the flow of blood. She tripped over her feet, and reached out with her free hand to grip onto something - anything - to steady her. Her fingers found the curtain, and it ripped away with her as Aleah fell to the ground, hitting her head.

‘Dr Summers!’ That was Lucas. ‘Help! Someone help!’

Sweet, stupid Lucas - who couldn’t move because he was cuffed to the fucking gurney. 

The voices all wove into one, and Aleah curled in on herself as she fought to keep one hand on her neck. Her cheek was cut, she could feel it by the metallic taste of blood pouring into her mouth. It must have cut through muscle. 

‘Abbot!’ 

‘Get these assholes out of my fucking ED!’ 

‘ Shit, Summers, can you hear me?! Abbot I need you!’

Were those all the same person? She couldn’t tell. Her head spun, heaviness settling behind her eyelids. Her temples pounded. Fuck sake, if she got a concussion on top of everything else, she’d punch the idiot who cut her with her own fucking fist. 

‘Kiddo, I need you to move your hand - I need to see how bad it is.’

Abbot, definitely Abbot. It was said with surety, with a comforting edge that promised she’d be okay. Aleah’s hand loosened just as her vision went dark. 

It was almost worse that Robby was already awake. His sleeping - as always - was fitful. Disturbed. It came to him in increments. Wisps of smoke that curled around his fingers, dancing across his palm before disappearing. Much like his dreams of Aleah, almost taunting him of her nearness. Just within his grasp. He reached for the cell on his bedside table, switching on the lamp. Rubbing at his eyes, Robby’s bleary gaze focused on the ceiling.

‘Hello,’ he answered on the first ring. Jack only ever called if things were dire. ‘How bad?’ 

There was a pause, static eating up the silence. Then, Jack cleared his throat. ‘She didn’t want me calling her dad, and her sister just gave birth. She wanted you.’

Robby felt each of his ribs snap. The sharp, broken pieces pierced his chest as his lungs tightened. When he pushed himself out of bed, his vision dotted. 

‘What happened? Is she okay?’ His spare hand felt around for the closest pair of pants he could find. Sweatpants, that would do. 

‘Gang fight, bunch of idiots got brought it with lacerations and gunshot wounds. One of ‘em snuck his buck in. Went for Aleah’s patient, got her instead.’ 

The stone wedged deep in Robby’s throat grew in size, and he almost choked on his own words. ‘Is- is she-’

‘She’s okay. Laceration on her face and neck, cut all the way through to the damn bone on her zygomaticus, levator and risorius. Nicked the external carotid, but we got that under control fast. Got a bad concussion, too. She hit it on the way down.’ Jack released a sigh. ‘I’m sorry. Fuck , I’m sorry Michael.’ 

Robby had pulled on his hoodie as Jack had spoken, he was just stuffing his socked feet into his sneakers at the door by the end of his recount. He knew why Jack was apologising, why he seemed to be shouldering so much guilt. It wasn’t just because Jack knew he loved her, and she’d been hurt on his watch. After Dana, they’d made promises to each other, to do as much as they could - bar actually getting the budget for extra security - to keep everyone safe. 

Jack had obviously felt like he’d failed.

‘You couldn’t have done much else.’ Robby breathed out. Pulling the door of his apartment closed. Car keys jingling in his pocket like some ominous melody. ‘You treated and stabilised her. It’s not your fault they won’t give us more fucking security.’ 

He was trying to be calm. Trying to sift through his panicked, rapid thoughts with clarity. With a plan on what to do when he was there, how to take care of her. How to keep his face passive when he saw what that fucker had done to her. In that moment, Robby couldn’t collapse in on himself, couldn’t shatter in the ways he had before when everything became too much. Too overwhelming. When his fear and sadness drowned him, like a tidal wave dragging him beneath the surface and into the depths below. 

She was okay. He had to keep telling himself that.

‘Heavily sedated for the pain, but she wants to go home.’ 

Robby switched his phone to speaker as he climbed into his car. ‘Of course she does. I’m on my way.’ 

He hung up before starting the car, not bothering with the radio and settling for silence as he drove the short distance to PTMH. Robby seldom drove, since he liked to walk to work. It was less than fifteen minutes on foot, even less by car. He spent those few, short minutes, trying to figure out exactly what to say to her. How to convince her to stay for observation, let Walsh make sure that she wouldn’t need any surgery. 

He was still mumbling under his breath when he sped walked into the ambulance bay, and as if he were waiting for Robby the whole time, Jack met him there. An iPad with Aleah’s open chart already waiting for him. 

Christ, she’d swallowed enough of her own blood to warrant a transfusion, and she wanted to go home? 

Jack walked him to trauma one, listing off all the tests that had cleared her. The curtains were drawn, lights off with a soft glow from one light in the prep room. The ED was notably quieter, less chaotic than he’d anticipated when Jack had mentioned a gang fight, but it seemed the worst of it had passed. When Robby handed back the iPad, he finally looked up. 

The night staff were evidently as nosy as the day shift. Despite everyone being busy with their job, Robby tracked their side glances and outright staring. He didn’t have it in him to say anything about it, but Jack did.

‘Get your nosy behind’s back to work.’ He shot out. 

Robby left him to it as he stepped into trauma one, gently pulling the curtain aside to step in. He could spot Aleah’s silhouette in the gurney, laying on her side. 

Perhaps he hadn’t realised how heavily his heart weighed on him until that moment, watching her curled into herself on her right side. Even in the dark, with faint, dim lighting, he could see the white patch of gauze and bandage shielding her face and neck. Robby’s chest cracked open, the building, mounting pressure that had become almost unbearable spilled out.

He coughed, swallowing back the sobs that threatened to burst from his lips.

She was breathing. He could see her breathing. 

He pulled the stool to her bedside, easing into it quietly. An IV attached to her left arm as she dozed, and it would have been fucking impossible to not reach for her. To not have tangible proof she was alright by feeling the curled, tangled strands of her hair. To slide a finger down the slope of her nose, trace her brow and ghost his lips across her forehead. 

She was breathing. She was breathing .

Palm gently resting at top of her head, and slowly smoothing down her hair, Robby felt Aleah shift. Unevenly dilated brown eyes flickered open, sleepy and confused. Robby reeled in the fear he knew was painted across his face, and offered a smile. Small, gentle, loving. 

Her mouth opened and closed, as if searching and struggling for words. A bad concussion, then. 

Eventually, Aleah settled on two words. Dragged out, and laden with exhaustion and something akin to vulnerability. As if she didn’t think he was really there. ‘You came.’ 

Warmth pooled in his chest; thick, and overflowing the sink of his chest when he watched her. How could she ever think he wouldn’t? 

‘You called.’ 

His thumb lightly caressed her brow, careful to not tread to close to her wrappings. It covered her nose, chin and neck. Splotches of red staining the white gauze. 

‘I want to leave.’ She slurred. ‘Will you take me home? Will you stay with me?’ 

Despite every practiced sentence of his, every thought through argument he’d prepared for this moment, Robby found himself falling like a house of cards. 

Every word was fought for, dragged from her throat with agony and effort. All for him. It chipped away at that wall he’d been slowly building, brick by brick, to separate himself from her. To lessen the longing that wrapped itself around his limbs every day. 

Now, as he stared at her, Robby couldn’t remember why he’d ever done it to begin with. It all seemed so inconsequential. So fucking stupid. He could have lost her, and it would have been with her thinking that she’d never mattered enough for him to choose her. To want her, above everything else. 

Bile climbed up his throat, and he shoved the thought away. Forcing it into the recesses of his mind that contained all the other memories and thoughts that brought him so much pain he could barely breathe.

‘Okay.’ He said gently, and leaned over the railing to press a kiss to the crown of her head. ‘Okay, but I’ll be watching over you the whole time. You’ll do as I say.’

Aleah didn’t fight him, she barely even nodded her acquiescence, before her eyes closed. 

He left trauma one with slightly less weight in his shoulders, and headed to the charge station. Jack sidled up beside him like clockwork, and Robby got the feeling that - whenever it came to Aleah - he would always have some shitty news to drop on him. 

‘I don’t know how he found out, but her dad’s in the family room.’ Jack’s jaw was set, like he was refraining from expressing what he really thought.

Like he was filling up with comments that he was desperate to release, but wouldn’t. Not right there. He respected Robby enough to not cause an argument in public, but that look he gave him - calculating, subdued, irate - promised a lecture laced with disapproval and frustration later.

‘He just got here?’

Jack nodded. ‘Didn’t even make a scene, just told me where he’d be waiting.’ 

The last time Robby has seen Bruce Summers, he’d damn near threatened to have security throw him out. The image of a reddened, shaking Aleah yelling at him - begging for his affection - had burned itself into the forefront of his mind. He would never be rid of that image, and he’d never forgive Brian Summers for being the catalyst and instigator of it. 

‘I’ll take care of it.’ He sighed. ‘Just get someone to process her discharge, she’s coming home with me.’ 

Jack’s look said about a thousand things his lips didn’t, but beneath them all, lingering like a shadow, was understanding. ‘Don’t make a scene.’ He warned. 

Bruce Summers’ dishevelled state greeted him in silence as he stepped into the family room. A walking stick rested against his side, and his button up was creased, like he also shoved on the first thing he found. Face buried in his hands, elbows resting against his thighs, he spared Robby only one look. 

‘You think anything happens without me knowing in this damn hospital? The place where my youngest child works?’ He grunted. ‘I’m still the chair.’

Robby shut the door behind him, burying his clenched fists into his pockets. He’d come here prepared for an argument. To have to call security to stop him from disturbing Aleah’s rest and upsetting her to the point that she ripped her stitches from sobs that would pierce Robby’s chest like rusted fucking nails. 

He stayed silent, letting the discomfort linger in the air. Until Bruce evidently found it so unbearable that he cracked, his voice wavering with each syllable. 

‘I was there. I was there when she-’ he cleared his throat, sucked in a breath. ‘I went to that fucking hospital, and made sure she was okay. Of course I did. That’s my baby girl.’ 

Robby felt like he was intruding on a conversation he should not have actually been a part of. Like he was a voyeur, watching the most vulnerable moments of a sick, old man's life. Watching him disintegrate. Having a front row seat felt somehow ghoulish, but it appeared Bruce had been searching for a listener. It just happened to be Robby. 

‘I left before she woke up. I know that’s… She just- Aleah looks so much like her and I can’t- I can’t do it. Everything about them is the same. Down to the way they smile. Even their laughs are the fucking same. When she hurt herself, all I could see was-’ 

He made a choking sound, like pushing out the words was agony on his throat. His chest. And maybe it was.

‘So you’re harder on her because she reminds you of your wife?’ Robby was being cruel, he knew that. Something about the way Bruce worded it all though sucked the sympathy out of him.

He said it like there was no other choice but to be this way, like he couldn’t help being so cruel to her because of his pain. It was bullshit. It was unfair. He’d left a young girl to fend for herself - for years - because he couldn’t reckon with his own pain. 

Robby was a hypocrite, he was self aware enough to see their similarities, but he’d still hate Bruce for it. 

‘I didn’t always used to be like this.’ Bruce ignored his question. ‘I used to be a good father. I just… I failed my wife, and then I failed my daughter. How am I supposed to ever look her in the eye?’ ’ 

‘With a very good therapist.’ Robby stated, detached yet softened in a way he had trained himself to be with patients' families. ‘Otherwise, when you pass, you’ll leave behind a daughter who will always believe you never loved her.’ 

He paused. ‘Is that what you want, Dr Summers?’ 

Bruce’s answer was the shake of his head, rigorous and jerky. The thorns around Robby’s resolve fell away as he spotted the first tears. Bruce wasn’t a good person, not by a long shot, and he didn’t deserve forgiveness. But Aleah deserved to know she was loved. 

‘Then two days from now, when she’s on less sedatives, you’re going to call and ask her to lunch when she’s better. You’re going to apologise for how you acted last week, and you’re going to tell her you were here tonight. Understand?’ 

Bruce’s watery gaze flickered to his own. The blue of them looked shockingly haunting with all those tears. He nodded again. 

Robby hated the small part of him that felt seen by Bruce. Shit, maybe he should give Jack’s therapist a call. 

‘She’s doing good. No need for surgery, but she’s pushed for discharge so I’m taking her home.’ He reassured. ‘You can go, as a doctor I’m concerned about how much you’re exerting yourself.’ 

Bruce stared at him for a beat too long, eyes squinting as if he was trying to figure something out. Then he stood, on shaky legs, and leaned heavily onto his walking stick. He cleared his throat, wiped away the lingering tears, and straightened himself.

‘You’re too old for her.’ Bruce stated. He was no longer the broken, sick, father of an equally broken daughter. He was Dr Bruce Summers, former chief of surgery, and current chair of the board. Unflappable, formidable. An asshole. 

Robby chose silence. He’d rather not get into an altercation and admit on record he had something going on with a resident. Plausible deniability and all that. Besides, he didn’t particularly care for Bruce’s opinion. It held little weight.

He got the feeling that Aleah would share the same sentiment, but with a dash of ruthless rage. 

‘Take care of her.’ Bruce finished, walking to the door. When he pulled it open, he gave one final look back to Robby. ‘I approved your budget increase request for security. You won’t receive any more push back.’ 

Apparently, all it took was his own blood getting fucking attacked. 

It was almost laughable, how the night - and early morning - had unfolded. If he had time, Robby probably would have laughed. But there wasn’t time, because someone that belonged to him was in pain. He needed to take her home.

Chapter Text

this dream isn't feeling sweet,

we're reeling through the midnight streets

laughing till our ribs get touch

but that will never be enough

There was something about Robby’s apartment that he’d always simultaneously loved and despised; it’s silence. 

On his hardest days, when the crescendo of the ED had taken him past his capacity to contain his thoughts, and he was torn open with everything cutting, unsavoury thought spilling out like he’d been gutted, the silence that welcomed him home had held him. Soothed the ache in his bones, and washed away the agony that had taken root beneath his skin. 

Other days, when his shifts were lukewarm, plagued with what could be called mundanity - which was just limited fatalities and some funny patients - he hated coming home to that silence. Echoes of someone’s laughter would ring in his ears. Like a child should have occupied the space, perhaps even friends. It was a knife wedged between his ribs, reminding him of his isolation. His voluntary isolation. 

More often than not these days, that ghost of a presence he sometimes felt seemed an awful lot like the sound of Aleah’s laughter. The hum of her voice, soft bare feet padding on his floorboards. All her.

He’d turn, thinking she was right there in the doorway to his kitchen, and he’d find nothing. Which made sense, since she’d never even been to his apartment. It was too big, he’d admit that. Much too big for someone who lived alone.

A chief resident salary was a damn good one, and at the time it had made sense to get something bigger. Something spacious, close to work, that had room for an office. The lonelier he got, though? The emptier it had felt.

So it was normal, right? To feel like a puzzle piece had slotted into place seamlessly when he put Aleah in his bed. The vacant side he never slept on. Her right cheek resting against the pillow, and red spotted gauze still visible despite the drawn curtains and dim room. 

The stale, stuffy rooms became… lighter, airier. Like the place had breathed a sigh of relief when’d carried her through the door. Settled now that she was there. Comforted by her. Like the apartment had missed her as much as he had.

When he’d pulled the covers over her, Aleah had snuggled into the pillow with no protest. Her lips were parted, breathing laboured, like every inhale hurt, even in deep, sedated slumber. 

When drool escaped the corner of her lips, dripping onto the pillow, it stained red. More blood than saliva. A jarring, violent reminder that the blade had cut her cheek open. A cold, shiver-inducing bucket of water poured over his head as he pictured her having to lay there as Abbot pulled her cheek back together with stitches. Sitting on the edge, watching her sleep and bleed, Robby inhaled lungfuls of air, like he would run out of it if he couldn’t keep her close. His hands clenched around the sheets on the bed, trying to even his breaths so that he could hear hers.

So he could be reminded, once again, that she was there. She was real, and okay and breathing.

She was breathing.

If he told himself that enough times, it would sink in. Settle beneath his ribs and ease the tightness around his heart.

It had to.

Standing, he left his bedroom and moved into the hall, pulling his phone from the pocket of his sweats. Dialling a number he hadn’t called in a while.

Nazir picked up on the first ring.

‘Little early for a booty call, Robby.’ 

A burst of air escaped Robby’s nostrils, and his first, tiny smile in about five hours settled into the corner of his lips. ‘You tell your wife that you like flirting with me, Nazir?’

‘She’s happy as long as I share.’ He shot back, and Robby shook his head. 

‘How’s urgent care treating you?’

‘Quieter than the ED, that’s for fucking sure. Maura doesn’t get on my ass so much since - you know - I’m actually home more.’ He laughed, thought it was laced with something a little less jovial. Sadness, perhaps. They all knew what this job could do to your personal life.

It was why Nazir had quit the ED to move to UC. Saving his marriage was more important. 

‘Now tell me what you want. You never call me.’ 

Robby didn’t have the energy to feel bad, he’d revisit the conversation of how he hadn’t made an effort to talk to Nazir another time. 

‘It’s a big ask, but you think you can cover me in the ED for a little while?’ Robby asked, and he couldn’t hide the exhaustion in the timber of his voice. He couldn’t. ‘I need to take a few weeks.’

Nazir’s silence was minuscule, they’d spent enough time together as junior residents to know when the other needed something. Desperately. They’d used to share looks, release a sigh or say something completely innocuous with a cadence that only the other could read. Nazir could hear in right then.

‘Family emergency?’ Nazir asked, and Robby could almost see his oldest friend straightening his shoulders.

He turned back to look into his bedroom, at the outline of Aleah beneath his covers. Her dark, head of curls splayed out across his pillow. 

‘Yeah, family emergency.’ 

She slept for most of the day, and Robby only woke her up when she needed to take pain relief. She’d be groggy, pupils mismatched and mumbling intelligible things before swallowing down her pills and sinking back into the pillows. 

Jack had prescribed vicodin and ibuprofen, but only until the concussion cleared. Until then, it was strictly tylenol, and he needed to be strict about her schedule if she was gonna get through the first few days. When she woke up, properly, she’d realise just how much the tylenol sucked. 

Robby didn’t wanna think about how much pain he’d have to watch her endure. Blinds drawn, door closed, he’d spent the day with his bedside lamp dimly lit, reading quietly. 

At some point, the sentences merged together. Disorienting him, making him lose his place, and Robby could damn near swear he could hear Aleah’s voice, taunting him about it. That his ‘old ass’ was probably losing his ability to read. A smile tugged on the corner of his lips. 

Hearing her voice would have been good right about then.

But, no it wasn’t old age. It was something else, something that Robby was forced to think about wording when Aleah eventually woke up.

His conversation with Maya. 

Having to explain to her sister why she was with him, and not at home, hadn’t exactly been something he’d prepared for. But family needed to be notified, and he needed to explain why Aleah wouldn’t be in her own apartment if her big sister decided to visit her. An idiotic oversight, on his part. 

It was hard to think clearly whenever it came to Aleah.

‘She’s at your place?’ Maya deadpanned, the exhaustion of childbirth absent. 

‘Correct.’ 

‘Why?’

Robby had paused, his mind drawing blank. Fuck. 

‘She’s concussed, didn’t think it was a good idea for her to be alone.’ Not entirely a lie, but definitely not the reason he’d actually done it. ‘I’m less than a ten minute drive from the hospital, and I have a spare room. She’s safer here.’ 

‘So she’s sleeping in your spare room?’ 

‘...Yes.’ He’d paused for too long. It was like his brain had short circuited, a reboot forced upon you while in the midst of completing a task. 

Maybe he was getting old. 

Maya had let the silence eat up any tranquillity Robby could have hoped for. He suspected that was her intention, too. Eventually, she spoke. Sceptical and scathing. 

Christ, Aleah was right, she was exactly like her father. 

‘Does HR know you’re sleeping with my little sister? Your resident?’

Robby pressed his thumb and forefinger into the corner of his eyes. Irritation - at Maya and himself - pulsed through his veins, until a pressure in his temples pumped painfully like a second heartbeat. 

‘I’m not sleeping with her.’ 

Was that the best he could do?!

Idiot. Aleah was going to call him an idiot. 

Maya sighed. Deeply. Like she thought the whole thing was beneath her, like she was his elder, and Robby was an idiotic, reckless teenager caught in his girlfriend's room past curfew. How goddamned humiliating. 

‘I don’t have time for this, Dr Robinavitch.’ 

He’d met Maya Summers one time, and Robby could easily picture her eye roll. Exactly like Aleah’s, except void of the amusement that seemed to accompany the woman he loved like a shadow. Instead, he imagined it was laced with their father’s contempt. 

Whatever intact, non-frazzled brain cells still existing in his mind rallied together. Evidently taking pity on him. 

‘None of this is relevant.’ He cut in, just as she began to speak. ‘She’s here, she’s okay and resting. She’s under tight observation, and she’s with a qualified medical professional.’

Robby cleared his throat. 

‘She’s safe with me. I promise you that.’

This time, Maya’s silence felt softer. Like her sharp edges had been worn down until they were blunt, harmless to those who dared press the pad of their thumb against the tip. Avoiding a prick. 

‘Tell her to call me when she’s awake.’ She paused, ‘please.’ 

She had hung up before surprise could bleed across the rest of his face. 

Aleah mumbled something in her sleep, slurred and jumbled, the words refusing to be deciphered. He might have just about heard the word ‘pizza’ somewhere in there. It made Robby wonder if she’d struggle even in her waking moments, when the concussion eased away, releasing her back into the world of the conscious and able to feel the full force of that fucking gash on her cheek.

The pillow she rested on was permanently stained with her own blood, making the grey cotton a dark brown in splotches. Robby didn’t care, it was easily replaceable.

She, however, was about as irreplaceable as you could fucking get. 

Each drop of that same blood was like a pin prick to Robby’s heart, reminding him of his failures. He reached out, resting the open book on his chest, and pushed strands of hair out of her face. Tucking them behind her ear. 

His fingers, rough and calloused, ran over the shell of her ear, the line of her jaw, avoiding her bandages. Robby needed this. Needed to touch her every other hour, to convince himself she wasn’t simply a figment of his imagination. That the softened, tanned skin beneath the pads of his fingers was real. 

That she was breathing. A mantra he had taken to like the prayers he so often recited when his panic and fear wrapped around his throat and choked him.

Robby never let his touch linger too long. Never wanted to trace the lines of her face until reaching her neck. He couldn’t look at her neck. It was too real when he did. Cut him deeply, enough to feel like the knife digging into him scraped the bone beneath flesh. Her neck was the real signifier of how close it could have been. 

If she had been a step closer, had leaned in just that little more, that fucking knife could have cut all the way through her carotid. Could have made her bleed out in seconds.

Robby choked on his own breaths, fear digging its fingers between his ribs until he stiffened. His lungs contracted too fast for him to keep up as thoughts of how differently things could have gone. How his conversation with Maya could have ended in her screams, and her father falling apart, because the youngest Summers had had a different ending. 

How it would have made their last conversation one where she truly thought he didn’t desperately need her. That he didn’t spend every fucking night wishing she was pressed into his chest, wrapped in his arms. 

That waking up in the morning, and going into work, only felt worth it because he knew he’d see her face. 

It all seemed so dramatic. Aleah would sure as shit call him dramatic, but it didn’t lessen that  crippling, debilitating fear in him. Didn’t alleviate the weight of his guilt and desperation to fix it all. It crawled beneath his skin, eliciting an itch that wouldn’t go away no matter how hard he scratched.

Aleah had buried herself in him so deeply, that she’d rooted herself within his bones. He didn’t know if he resented it. 

When he pulled his hands away, Robby leaned back. About to slide away, satisfied for another half hour, when dark brown eyes blinked back at him.

Pupils still mismatched, but much smaller and lucid then. Aleah blinked slowly, unmoving as her gaze, softly, incrementally, focused on him. 

‘Hey, sweetheart.’ He whispered, like approaching a wild animal with gentleness and caution. ‘How are you feeling?’ 

Aleah didn’t say anything, not at first. She tried to move her head, readjust on the pillow, but it hurt. He could tell. The movement jarred her injuries, and she winced. A soft cry of pain escaped her lips, followed by another wince when the shift of her mouth jarred her cheek. Her eyes watered, tears slipping out effortlessly, and Robby’s chest disintegrated. 

‘It’s okay. Don’t talk,’ he said softly, running a hand through her hair. ‘Go back to sleep. I’ll wake you in a couple of hours for some more tylenol.’ 

Her lips trembled. Fuck, she was in so much pain. And he couldn’t fucking do anything about it. 

‘We’ll switch to vicodin once the concussion’s gone, I promise.’ He leaned over, planting a kiss on the crown of her head. Glasses slipping down the bridge of his nose. ‘I promise , okay? Just get some more sleep.’ 

She didn’t argue, didn’t nod. Instead, Aleah reached for him, fingers gripping onto the hem of his shirt. Tightly. Like she didn’t believe he was real. Like she needed evidence that he was really there, beside her. 

‘Do- don’t g-go.’ Fear enveloped her stuttering, sharp inhales of pain wedged between each word. Words for him. 

He placed a hand over hers, thumb caressing her knuckles, massaging each one as she breathed slowly. Laboured. Wincing with each movement. His fingers settled between the divots of her knuckles. Slotting into place like they’d almost meant to be there.

‘I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be right here.’ 

He gave her a smile, warm and soft. Partially forced, shielding the dread that brewed underneath. He could hide it. For her, he could hide it.

It seemed to be enough for her, because she settled. With her fist still gripping onto his shirt, Aleah closed her eyes, eventually slipping back into slumber. Affection; tender, fragile and consuming, ebbed into Robby’s chest, and he kept his hand over hers as he picked up his book with one hand.  

Contentment had taken flourished in his bones at the realisation that Aleah desperately needed to be near him, as much he needed to be by her.

He bathed her every night, and despite the haze in her mind, the blurry vision and headaches during small pockets of lucidity, Aleah knew she wouldn’t forget that. 

Robby always started with her body, tucking her into the bathtub and gently washing away the sweat from her skin, careful to not stray too close to the tender flesh around her neck. His fingers would then gently slip around her waist, uncaring of when his shirt became soaked, and pull her out. Wrap a towel around her, and softly, slowly - like he was tending to a fragile, shaken animal - deposit her on the toilet seat.

After drying her off, Robby would dress her in his shirt and boxers. He’d carry her back to the bathtub, place her against the side and tilt her head back. Washing her hair felt the most intimate of all that he did for her. It was the most tender part of his caretaking, despite the way he’d hold her in bed when she was in so much pain that sleep eluded her.

Because massaging shampoo into her dirty hair, wiping away the bloodied drool that congealed on her chin while she slept, brushing her teeth for her, were all things that required Aleah to abandon any semblance of independence. It peeled back layers of who she was to reveal the most vulnerable, terrified parts of herself. It felt like being on display, making her feel over-exposed. 

Robby never called attention to it, he just made it all look so easy . Like of course he would do those things, of course he would braid her washed hair, and redress her wound every night. Of course, after feeding her soup - the only thing she could eat without the inside of her cheek violently opposing the sting of movement - he would give her Vicodin, and stroke her hair until she fell asleep. Sometimes, even till she woke up from a nap. 

It was late afternoon, the blinds were drawn and Robby had Splash playing on the tv in his room. He wasn’t watching it, he’d chosen to read instead seeing as it was the third time in a row Aleah had played it. She liked that he never complained, never even seemed remotely bothered. Maybe it was because she’d spent four days in darkness, drifting between fitful bouts of sleep and unable to do something as basic as read a text. 

Regardless of the reason, he was happy to indulge her. 

‘I really, really want fries.’ She mumbled, hand cupping her face over the bandages in a useless attempt to soothe her cheek. 

Talking actually hurt too much still. 

Robby’s thumb didn’t cease its stroking, running along her hairline. Her good cheek rested against his chest, arm resting on his stomach. He held his latest book in his free hand. 

‘Best I can do is mashed potatoes.’ He mumbled, tilting his head toward her forehead until his lips pressed into her skin. ‘I’m sorry, but solids aren't an option yet.’ 

It wasn’t quite a kiss, but she knew it was intended as comfort. And it was. Because somehow - despite it being an insignificant thing - she felt like crying over it. Aleah was tired, in pain, frustrated with how much this had all taken its toll. Hating that she’d gotten to the point where she was too damn scared to even leave Robby’s room. 

Not even Robby in his old man glasses was making her feel better. She just wanted some fucking fries. 

‘Sweetheart,’ Robby said, low and tender, smoothing the tension in her chest. ‘It’s okay to cry.’ 

Shifting, Robby put his book down on the nightstand, turning to face Aleah. He did so slowly, movements incremental so she wouldn’t have to move and feel the pull of sore, healing skin on her neck and face. His thumbs swiped at both corners of her eyes, more as a gesture of comfort rather than stopping the tears.

‘I just really want fries.’ She sniffled, and Robby nodded. 

‘I know.’ And he did. 

He knew everything she wasn’t saying with those words.

I’m exhausted. I’m in pain. I’m scared. I want to hide in this room with you and never leave.

‘I know.’ He said again, and this time he pressed a kiss to her forehead. ‘It’s gonna be alright. You’ll be alright.’ 

‘I’m not this person.’ She sucked in a breath. ‘I don’t know what’s wrong with me.’ 

‘You went through something traumatic.’ Robby reasoned, hand shifting so that he cupped the back of her head. ‘Your body’s recovering from an injury, and you’re on a shitload of pain relief.’

A breath of amusement escaped her, it made Robby’s warm eyes soften. 

‘You just need to give yourself a little time.’ 

She nodded, unsure of what else to say. He was right, logically she knew he was right. As a doctor, she knew he was right. But she was the patient in this scenario, and everything inside her felt raw, tender, like an open wound that was incapable of healing. Robby’s presence, and his hold was the only thing that seemed to soothe it. 

‘I’m tired of Splash, can we watch something else?’ 

‘Thank god.’ He breathed, ‘it was starting to feel like hazing.’ 

Aleah giggled, immediately wincing at the sting that followed. The corner of Robby’s lips flicked upward, and he reached for the remote on his nightstand. ‘What do you want to watch?’ 

‘Miss Congeniality.’ 

‘You had that one locked and loaded, huh?’ He said, and flicked through the streaming sites.

‘I had a hankering for it.’ 

He shot her a look, one not annoyed nor tired of her. It was a casual look, an endeared look. One you gave your partner when they were simply being the person you’d fallen for in the first place. Like they’d been reminded of why they loved you. 

It was a look given out when you watched them mull over pizza toppings for too long, or when they chronically hummed the same tune every night while brushing their teeth. Predictably laughed hard at the exact same joke on a Friends rerun, or always ran their hands through your hair before leaving the apartment. 

It was a look you had when you’d spent your entire life with someone. Making Aleah’s chest balloon until it felt like it was about to burst. 

Robby watched the whole film with her. 

Day six was when Robby had been called in. At three in the morning, his phone had roused both of them from sleep, and Aleah had only just managed to make out the slur of his voice in her semi-lucid state. An apartment block had caught fire when a tenant had fallen asleep with the stove on - from what she could find on Google - all of the ambulances had been directed to PTMH. 

‘I’ll be back as soon as I can.’ He’d said, brushing her forehead with his lips. 

Aleah had raised a hand to his cheek, bleary eyes blinking slowly in the dark as her thumb caressed his cheekbone. Robby had held it there for a couple of seconds, as if reluctant to let go. He kissed the inside of her hand before placing it back onto the bed. Leaving Aleah to fall back asleep with warmth pooling in her stomach, and affection brewing in her heart.

When she woke up again, it was to her own phone ringing. Reaching for it on the nightstand, Aleah squinted in the darkened room to see her sister's name flashing on the screen. Something inside her sparked to life; anxiety, perhaps. It was only a matter of time, to be honest. Robby had kept Maya and her dad updated on her behalf, and Aleah hadn’t concerned herself with how she would explain that just yet. 

Until now, evidently. 

‘Hi.’ She said, and Maya didn’t bother with returning the pleasantries.

‘Before I ask what I want to ask, how are you feeling?’ 

As always, Maya was curt. Concise in a way brutal enough that it could feel mean. Really, she just didn’t do smalltalk. 

‘Talking hurts, and I’m still not eating solids.’ As she spoke, her tongue ran softly around the healing wound inside her mouth. The flesh was still sore. ‘How’s my nephew?’ 

‘He sleeps a lot, but prefers to do so on mine or Hanako’s chest.’ She could hear the sharpness in her sister's tone eroding. Affection eclipsing it. ‘He looks really cute after feeding. His cheeks go all red.’ 

Aleah smiled, then automatically winced. Fucking injury. 

‘I need more cuddles. It’s been too long.’ 

Maya didn’t even hesitate when she said ‘send me his address, I’ll come over.’ 

Aleah sat up a little too fast, her head swimming as she blinked away the stars beneath her lids. ‘What? To Robby’s ?!’

‘It’s not like you can come here.’ 

‘B-but- you literally just had a baby.’ Aleah stammered.

‘And you literally just got stabbed in the face. We’ve both got stitches.’ 

‘That’s a little different to pushing out a human from your vagina, Maya.’ 

‘You’re right,’ Maya deadpanned, ‘your sedatives are unfairly stronger than mine.’

Aleah couldn’t help it, she laughed. A rare occurrence with her sister, and it felt good to be able to. Something told her, even though she couldn’t see Maya’s face, that her sister was smiling too. Perhaps large enough for it to brighten her face.

‘Don’t get out of bed just yet,’ Aleah eventually said, rubbing at the skin around her bandages to soothe its soreness. ‘It’s too soon, you know it is.’ 

‘I want to see you. I’m worried.’ 

Silence echoed between them, enough for it to make Aleah’s chest ache. Maya rarely shared anything remotely sentimental between the two of them. 

‘I’m doing okay, I promise Maya.’ She swallowed down the lump growing in her throat. ‘Robby’s taking good care of me.’ 

‘Which leads me to my intended question.’ Maya said. ‘How long have you been sleeping with your boss?’

‘I’m not sleeping with him.’  

Maya scoffed - she never scoffed. Oh god, she was annoyed. ‘Do you have any idea what dad will do when he finds out?’ 

‘I… think dad already knows?’ Aleah didn’t know why she’d posed it as a question. ‘Robby’s been keeping him updated.’

She thought Maya would have been surprised by that, instead she barely acknowledged it. ‘So there is something going on.’ 

‘No- fuck- not anymore.’ Aleah’s temples were beginning to pound, a sure sign that she needed to put the phone down. ‘Look, I slept with him - a few times - before I started at PTMH. He ended things just after we found out.’ 

‘You sleep with people without asking what their job is?’ 

Just like Maya to jump to critical judgement. ‘Is that the concern here? Really?’

‘He could have literally been a serial killer.’ 

‘You sound like mom.’ 

The words slipped out without thought. Automatic, muscle memory, and the amusement of her own statement was short lived. Immediately after, Aleah got that crushing, intense pain in her chest. The one that tightened a fist around her lungs, made it hard to breathe. 

Maya surprised her. ‘Yeah, I guess I do. That’s a first, huh?’ 

She wished she was sitting beside her sister then, so that she could reach out. Hold her hand, or grip her forearm. Maybe even pull her into an unwanted hug. Anything that would lessen the ache in her chest. They wanted to say the same thing, she knew it. Words that they never uttered to each other, because Maya didn’t know how to handle it and Aleah couldn’t get through it without sobbing. 

I miss her.

Maya saved them both the pain. ‘Sleeping in his bed doesn’t sound like it’s ended.’ 

‘I know,’ Aleah groaned, easing back into the pillow. She pinched the bridge of her nose. ‘It’s complicated. Defining what we are hasn’t exactly been a priority the last couple of days.’ 

‘You’re going to need to, eventually. That’s a HR violation in the making.’ 

Maya said it so matter of factly. Without inflection and any indication that it was a joke. But it was funny, to Aleah at least. She didn’t disagree, either. 

They spoke for a little longer, Maya giving her updates about how Kenji was doing. She promised to text her some photos, and Aleah told her to say hi to Hanako. When she hung up, she briefly checked her father’s texts. There was only one, simple and to the point and so incredibly predictable of him that she couldn’t help but smile. 

Call me when you feel better. Don’t overexert yourself. 

She knew he wouldn’t feel offended if she replied with a simple ‘OK’. 

Robby was gone for the entire day, and so Aleah spent it busying herself with a rewatch of Pretty Little Liars. She ventured out into the kitchen once, to reheat the soup he’d left her. The silence in his apartment was unnatural as she quietly slurped it down, trying to ignore the burn of friction against the cut inside her mouth. This was going to be a nightmare for weeks. 

She did snoop a little. Aleah was her mother’s daughter, after all, and she loved being nosy. His apartment was massive, indicative of a chief attending salary. He had two spare rooms - fucking two ! - and an office. All of which looked untouched. Aleah wondered if he ever got any time to actually work in said office, the walls were lined with shelves of books. Both medical, and fictional. She picked out one of his Agatha Christie’s, with the hopes of trying to read some later.

When Robby texted that he was heading back, Aleah ordered a pizza for him. She didn’t think he was enjoying eating soup every day with her, since she despised it. Maybe Aleah could pretend to taste it through inhaling the fumes. 

Also, she felt like the pizza would be a good buffer when she asked the stupid fucking question of ‘ what are we?’ 

Something she never thought she’d have to ask a forty-nine year old.

Robby arrived before the pizza did, a travesty of grand proportions to Aleah. Fuck being called dramatic. She was curled up in bed, episode eight of Pretty Little Liars playing, and the delivery guy on DoorDash only just leaving the restaurant on her app.

She could hear him slipping off his shoes, before socked feet padded across the floorboards. When he reached the bedroom, he leaned against the door frame. Cargos and hoodie, his favourite ensemble, creased by the long day. His shoulders sagged, weighted by whatever horrors he’d seen that day. A common side effect of being in the ED.

His gaze was tender, though, as he looked at her. Brimming with an affection that often left Aleah breathless, drowning. Like her chest was about to burst. 

‘How was it?’ She asked quietly, and Robby rubbed at his eyes tiredly. 

‘Bad. Real bad.’ 

‘How many?’ 

Robby paused, and in that instance Aleah knew it was high. She sat up, crawling to the edge of the bed and holding a hand out for him. Motioning him forward. He stepped forward slowly.

‘Five dead.’ He cleared his throat, and Aleah knew he was fighting off a sob. ‘There was- uh- there was a newborn…’ 

She rose, climbing off the bed and walking toward him. Aleah took his face in her hands, pulling him close. ‘I’m so sorry.’ 

Tears slipped down his cheeks, and he let Aleah wipe them away. Let her unzip his hoodie and push it down his shoulders, unbutton his cargos, and help him step out of them. Her stomach dropped with every quiet sniffle, heart shattering in tiny fragments with every tremble of his lips. Taking his hand, she guided him to the bathroom, and did for Robby what he had done for her all week. 

Silence clung to their skin as she washed him, uncaring of the spraying water on her bandages. It would need replacing before bed anyway. Robby’s sobs weren’t loud, nor frequent. His shoulders hook imperceptibly, and as his peppered hair stuck to his forehead, he took Aleah into his hands. Cradled the back of her head and dragged her close. 

‘Wait for me.’ He said- no, pleaded . ‘Just- let me fix this. Let me figure this out- please .’ 

There was nothing she could say. Nothing that would adequately assuage whatever worries he had going through his head. The request came from a longing that Aleah was intimately familiar with, but also something else; pain. Bone deep, rooted since before she ever walked into his life. It would exist for a long time, the type that would never go away. It made you fragile, cagey, desperate. All things that Robby often had on display, whether he knew it or not. 

So she nodded, because it was the only thing she could do. The only thing that seemed to kiss away the tightness in his body. 

‘Okay.’ She whispered, drops of water clinging to her lashes. Trying to ignore the pain of watching the other half of her heart break down. ‘Okay, Robby.’

Chapter Text

that's just the way life goes

I push my luck, it shows

lay on the horn to prove that it haunts me

I love you, I'm sorry 

Two weeks. Robby had spent two weeks off of work, tending to her every need, keeping her company, wearing his - according to Aleah, unfairly adorable - reading glasses beside her as the fatigue eased up and the pain meds reeled back. He was there when she was finally ready to see her dad; had dropped her off at the house and then picked her up two hours later, hand resting on her thigh as she cried the entire drive home. He was there when she’d sobbed in bed about it, lips pressed to the crown of her head and hand stroking her hair.

He was there when she was finally okay to graduate to slightly softer solid foods, and brought her a cup of Five Guys fries. She’d taken the squishiest ones - her words, not Robby’s - and let a tear slip when placing it in her mouth.

‘I wanna make out with whoever invented fries. Maybe give them oral.’ She’d said, and Robby had laughed so hard Aleah had stared at him with a twinkle in her eye.

Two weeks that made their one weekend together look like the prelude to what they could be, what they were becoming, what they really were. It scared the shit out of Robby, but he was learning to push past it. If he didn’t want her to slip through his fingers again - to almost lose her in the worst way you could ever lose someone - then he had to try. Had to pry open his chest willingly and hope to god she’d be there to cradle his heart. 

‘I’m sure the shareholders of Five Guys would really appreciate that sentiment.’ Robby mumbled, chin resting in his palm as he sat at the barstool of his kitchen island. 

Aleah, perched on the counter with her thighs around him, dug her hands back into the bag. ‘They’d appreciate me a lot more if I had five minutes alone with them.’ 

Robby’s laugh became louder, and he shook his head, chest warming at the way she glowed. Pleased with how much she’d made him laugh. He reached out, cupping her knee and letting his shoulders soften until he was leaning against her stomach. His thumb caressed her skin, and she hummed happily, in a low tone, as she continued to eat.

Watching her in silence had become a quiet luxury, something he could never tire of. He liked how her cheeks reddened when she got a little too warm under the comforter, or the way her lashes kissed her cheekbones when she blinked. The slow, measured way her chest rose and fell with each breath. The intermittent way she licked her lips before tucking the bottom one between her teeth when deep in thought.

All inconsequential details when individually laid out, but all significantly vital for Robby to witness if he wanted to have a good day. 

Reaching out with his other hand, he gripped her chin between his thumb and forefinger, shifting her face to the left. ‘It’s looking better.’ He said, and leaned closer to inspect the pink skin, and the angry, jagged stitched scar that extended from her neck, to beneath her chin and up her face until stopped at the bridge of her nose. 

The bandages were irritating her skin, drying it out and eliciting itches. She’d wanted to go an hour or so without it. He hadn’t had it in him to say no. ‘Antibiotics are doing you good. If it keeps going like this we can have the stitches removed in a few more weeks.’ 

‘How gnarly do you think the scar will be?’

‘No idea,’ he hummed, ‘if it heals well, it might be faint before clearing up completely.’ 

‘Boo!’ She said, and Robby smiled. 

Releasing her chin, he almost leaned in. Almost planted a kiss on her lips followed by burying his face in her opposite shoulder. Almost done the one thing he had yet to do. They hadn’t crossed that line yet, Robby hadn’t allowed it. He didn’t want to, not yet. Not when he had to figure out how he was gonna look a HR rep in the face, explain that he was genuinely, sincerely, deeply in love with his third year resident without getting fired. He wanted to have all the answers, to know exactly what to do if things went wrong, because he’d prepared for it. 

When Aleah looked him in the eye, and asked him what do we do now? He wanted to have a confident answer. An answer he knew would make her feel comfortable, secure. Taken care of. 

So, although he wanted to - although he was desperate to taste her, and pepper her with kisses across her face - he wouldn’t. Not yet. 

‘What movie tonight?’ She went on, oblivious to the agonising, insistent thoughts circling his mind like water in a drain. 

‘If it has to be a chick flick from the early two thousands, then please let it be one we haven’t already seen a dozen times.’ He sighed, plucking a fry out of the paper bag.

Aleah nodded, assertively and with seriousness. ‘Of course. Which is why I vote for Legally Blonde.’ 

‘Sweetheart, we’ve seen Legally Blonde.’ 

‘Not a dozen times, though.’ She singsonged, licking at the cajun powder on her fry before shoving it into her mouth. 

He was so fucking in love with this woman.

He went back to work in her third week. Neither of them pretended that she wouldn’t find it hard, that the separation would elicit an anxiety she hadn’t realised was loitering beneath the surface, awaiting a reason to burst through. The guilt just about tore Robby apart, made him overthink whether it was right to leave at all, but she needed this. They both knew it. The separation would be good for her, it’d help her reacclimatise to her life before the attack, help her learn to be on her own again. Which was why she didn’t beg him to stay, didn’t try to come up with a reason for why he should take more time off. She cried- god, she cried a lot, but she didn’t ask him to stay. She handed him his hoodie, helped prepare his flask of coffee, buried her head into the crook of his neck and held him tightly before whispering one thing.

‘Have a good day.’ 

Robby’s lips grazed her forehead. It wasn’t a kiss, so he wasn’t breaking his rule. ‘I’ll check in every couple of hours. I promise.’ 

And he did check on her, as much as he could. Partially because he wanted to make sure she was coping and mainly because he keenly felt her absence in the pitt. Her laughter, her footsteps, her damn DoorDash orders for the whole department dropping by at four in the afternoon. All of it. He missed it all. 

It was like putting together a puzzle only to realise the box was missing a piece. Her absence was glaring, an incredible discomfort because when you looked at the entire picture it was too obvious that a solitary piece was missing. 

So yeah, the double texts, the single call at lunch, the constant checking of his phone, was maybe more about assuaging his anxiety than hers. He could admit that. 

Especially when she texted him a photo of her bare knees in his bathtub, surrounded by bubbles, saying she was reading his favourite book. He would chastise her about potentially soaking a first edition in the fucking bathtub later, but right then he was too damn proud of her washing herself for the first time in three weeks.

Glad you’re enjoying it. He replied, heart stuttering when those familiar typing bubbles popped up.

She replied with one emoji, a smiley face surrounded by hearts. Robby didn’t care how blatant his grin was while he stood at the nurse station. 

‘First time in a while you’re not grouchy as hell.’  Dana sidled up beside him, and he was in a good enough mood to withstand her ribbing. ‘How’s our girl?’ 

‘She’s doing better.’ He tucked his phone back into his pocket, and buried his hands into the pockets of his hoodie. ‘Laceration’s healing well, no signs of infection. I think she can come back to work in a couple more weeks.’ 

‘Does she want to come back?’ 

Robby paused. That was a damn good question, one he hadn’t thought to ask her yet, and Dana seemed to already know the answer. 

‘She’s not had time to process the attack, Michael.’ She said, her voice erring on the side of caution. ‘Once the pain clears up and she can focus on other things, that shit is gonna come up and take a bit of a hit. You need to give her a bit more time.’ 

‘She’s been doing weekly video calls with her therapist.’ He said, but the uncertainty in his tone also bled into his stomach. Robby ran a hand down his face. ‘I- I thought that maybe she’d already talked about it. I thought if it was worrying her she would have said.’ 

‘Or,’ Dana countered, patting his shoulder lightly, ‘she’s buried it away until she has no choice but to confront it. Just... make sure she knows she can talk about it, alright?’ 

He had the urge to bury his face in his hands, to rub the heel of his palms deeply into his eyes until his vision went completely black. Robby should have anticipated this. Should have thought more on it, should have let her know he was there to listen as soon as she was ready to talk about it. So he could reassure her, so he could hold her. So he could promise he would do everything he could to make sure it never happened again.

‘Hey,’ Dana disturbed his spiral, yanking him away from them violently. ‘It’s alright. She’ll be alright. You’re doing a good job. You’re taking good care of her.’ 

Logically, he knew that to be true. If it were anyone else in his position, he’d say the exact same thing. 

It just didn’t feel like it.

So he rectified it immediately. When he got back to the apartment, toe’d off his shoes at the door, and welcomed her greeting in the hallway by returning her hug, Robby didn’t want to waste another second. 

‘I did some laundry today.’ She said proudly, chin resting on his clavicle as she looked up at him. ‘I only did the whites, cause I got tired, but I hung them up to dry too.’ 

‘Good work,’ he said softly, rubbing her back. 

‘Did you have a good first day back?’

‘Not the worst shift,’ he shrugged, before inhaling, ‘what’s that I smell?’

‘Pasta,’ she beamed, and he added the image of her to the collection of them he stored in his memories, ‘it’s super mushy, sorry, I kinda left it in too long but I seasoned it really well.’

‘I’m sure it’s perfect.’ He said, smoothing down her hair. ‘You did a lot today, you feeling okay?’

Aleah nodded, before leaning back and saying, ‘go shower, then we can eat.’ She untangled herself from his arms, patting at his chest. 

Robby grabbed her wrist lightly, halting her and cupping her uninjured cheek. ‘How are you holding up? We haven’t talked about the actual accident.’ 

The narrowed, confused look he received was expected. Her snort of amusement that quickly followed, however, was not. ‘Who told you to ask that? Was it Dana? It feels like a Dana question.’ 

‘She may have mentioned that I should check in on whether you’ve had a chance to fully process what happened.’ He sighed, thumb caressing her cheekbone. ‘I didn’t think to ask if you were-’

‘You were busy taking care of me and making sure I physically recovered.’ She stepped closer, gripping the front of his hoodie. ‘Robby, this is not something you need to blame yourself for. Don’t do this, we’re doing good right now. Don’t do this self-martyr shit again.’ 

She was one rebuttal away from pleading, he could sense it the same way you could tell it was about to rain. When the air became thick and the taste of moisture was heavy in the air. So he did as she asked, he pulled back, told himself to quit the incessant fear latching onto his bones. Shed himself of guilt over something that didn't require guilt in the first place. 

‘Alright,’ He said, ‘Alright, I’m sorry.’ 

‘It’s okay.’ She smiled at him, small, and tender and tooth rottingly sweet. ‘Can you go shower, now? I’m starving. ’

‘Sure,’ he nodded, ‘But, you’re feeling okay? About going back to work, and what happened?’

It was like she sensed it bothered him on a molecular level, and that perhaps he needed to know not just for her sake, but for his. Perhaps it was the fact that he hadn’t seen all the shit Frank had been going through, and Heather and Dana and every other damn friend under his watch that seemed like they were drowning as much as he was. He needed her to be open with him, needed her to tell him just how hard it was and ask him to fix it. He needed to know she knew he would do everything possible to fix it. 

‘I’m scared,’ she answered honestly, ‘I’m scared all the time, and I don’t think I’m going to know how to work through that until the first day back. I think - because I’ve been here and I have you - that ignoring it has been really easy.’ 

He opened his mouth, and Aleah cut him off, placing a palm over his lips. ‘But I know that I can come to you. I know that I’m safest right here.’ 

Damn, this no kissing thing was becoming a real pain in his ass. It was becoming a bit too hard to find a reason to stop himself from closing that gap. Aleah relieved him of that dilemma by completely pulling away, circling him so that she could push him in the direction of his bedroom. 

Or their bedroom. 

It wasn’t something either had addressed yet. 

‘Go shower,’ she slapped his ass, ‘otherwise dinner is gonna be cold and mushy.’

‘It’s good to have you back, hon.’ Dana’s embrace was a bit too much. 

Not in an unwanted way, but in an this reminds me of how much I miss my mom and I might burst into tears way. Aleah didn’t need psych to walk back their approval for her return to work. So, instead, she pulled away, smiled and nodded like her eyes weren’t burning. 

‘Thanks Dana.’ She said, squeezing her arms before following her into the breakroom.

It was all a little dramatic. The huge bouquet of flowers on the table, the envelope resting between the lilies and the gift basket full of mini muffins - which she was pretty sure was just for the team to eat. A cute sentiment, though.

‘Guys, this is too much.’ 

‘I tried to get them to tone it down,’ Robbie said from behind, and she looked over her shoulder just as he began rubbing the back of his neck, ‘but I was overruled.’

‘I’m sure you put up a huge fight, Dr Robinavitch.’ She deadpanned. 

The soft tug of amusement on the corner of his lips was her only response. She shoved down the flurry in her chest it elicited.

The welcome back in the breakroom was short; an emergency department didn’t exactly allow for a small party. People scattered quickly, until Santos followed Aleah out in a weird silence that she knew was born from anxiety. Perhaps even relief. The Intern wasn’t subtle about how many times she looked at Aleah’s face.

Despite having the stitches removed and her bandages long since shedded, the scarring on her face was prominent. A pink, jagged line that contrasted against her tanned, olive skin. 

‘It’s okay to stare, you know?’ Aleah smiled, punching Santos’ arm. ‘Did you miss me?’

‘You scared the shit out of me. I was really worried.’ Aleah blinked. Trinity had never sounded so… sombre, before. So troubled. Like the worry had eaten away at the edges of her sanity. 

She’d never thought anyone would be that worried about her. 

‘Dr Robby said your sister wasn’t allowing any visitors; because, you know, you were high as a kite on meds and she’d just had a fucking baby.’

That was a new one. She hadn’t realised that he’d fabricated a lie that elaborate. She’d thought they’d all known. He’d taken two weeks off, after all. 

So no one had known she was basically living with him. Something about that curdled in her stomach, making her feel unwell.

Trinity’s face pulled itself back together, and she fixed a smirk on her face. Playful, but forced. ‘I missed you, no one around here was fun enough to annoy.’ 

Aleah laughed, pocketing those feelings about Robby and whatever lies he'd told to distance them in her absence. She could ask him about it when they were at home. His home. Not hers. No matter how much it felt like it. 

‘Well you have me for three days a week for the next month.’ 

‘Phased return?’ Trinity asked, following her senior resident to the board. 

‘Yeah, my therapist didn’t think it was smart to dive back in straight away. I’m gonna be bored as fuck at home.’

‘Still, glad you’re back.’ Santos shrugged, before scanning the board. Tucking her hands into her pockets, she leaned back and forth on the spot. A Robby move. Now that Aleah thought about it. McKay did the same, Samira too. Huh. Did Robby know he was a girl dad of three? 

The thought made her want to laugh. 

‘Five is mine, I haven’t done stitches today.’ She waved at Aleah before, making her leave. 

But then she paused, spinning and calling Aleah’s name. When the senior resident turned to face her, Santos was walking backwards. ‘That kid you saved? You know, with your face? He testified, ended up with community service, but he’s doing good. He came by to ask about you, and thank you.’ 

She grinned, widely and adorably and completely unlike anything Aleah had ever seen in the junior. ‘You did that shit, Summers!’ 

There was little time to have a real catch-up with anyone, and truly Aleah didn’t want that. The idea of rehashing how awful the first two weeks of recovery was made bile get a little too high in her throat. It wasn’t something she wanted to think about; the pain, the drowsiness, the nausea and nightmares. The fact she couldn’t even swallow water through a straw without pain burning the inside of her mouth because a knife had cut all the way through her muscle and cheek. 

So when people asked how her time off was, she said ‘fine’. It was the easiest answer. 

Charting had become her favourite task throughout the morning, because it was the only time she was left alone. She was just in the middle of discharge notes when a familiar, tanned hand dropped onto her wrist, halting her typing. 

‘Hey, Summers.’ Scott’s voice was soft, almost a soothing balm. 

It was warm the same way a pool was after heating in the sun all day, and you dipped your foot in just before deeming it safe. Aleah couldn’t help but smile at him. ‘Hey, Scott.’ 

Was it just her paranoia, or had the surrounding nurses quietened down? She wouldn’t be surprised if all their nosy asses had their gazes trained on her back. Nurses station was a hub of trading, and the currency? Gossip.

‘Your scar’s badass.’ He said, leaning against the desk. ‘How’ve you been?’ 

‘Better now, thanks.’ She said, and it was by nervous habit that she reached to trace the scar on her face. ‘Resting gets boring.’ 

It was just as boring as the last time she’d been hospitalised. Something she was desperate to forget about, too. Being reminded of that period in her life always made things feel worse. If she hadn’t had Robby the entire time, perhaps that fear that had remained behind bars of neglect would have gotten real familiar with her. 

‘I tried to come see you a bunch of times, but your sister’s like fucking Fort Knox.’

Probably because she wasn’t actually with her sister, and Maya most likely didn’t want anyone knowing that. Their dad, too. 

‘Between me and the baby, her patience was thin.’ Aleah said, smiling apologetically. ‘Sorry.’

‘Did you read any of my texts?’ He probed, ‘No pressure, I’m just asking before I follow up with my next question.’ 

Aleah laughed, softly. ‘No, I didn’t. Sorry. If it’s any consolation, I didn’t read anyone’s.’ 

‘You don’t need to be sorry, Lea. You went through something traumatic, I’m not mad at you for not reading a text.’ 

Scott’s gentle voice was the type that lulled you into comfort. He was good at soothing people. A temerity in his ability to look after you without it bordering on arrogance. She remembered, then, why she’d liked him so much when they were young. Why she thought she had loved him. He was sweet, perhaps too sweet. She’d kind of forgotten that about him. They’d dated a decade ago, afterall.

She wasn’t the same person anymore, and neither was he. Aleah's body was marred by finding her mothers dead body, and trying to take her own life and a whole bunch of other scars that Scott would never see. Never understand. 

Robby did. 

‘I wanted to ask - if you were feeling better - whether you’d want to have dinner with me? As a date.’ 

Aleah blinked. ‘Oh.’ 

The nurses station was definitely silent. Aleah felt the hairs rise on her skin in that way it always would when she could feel eyes on her. Her mouth opened and closed, like a fucking fish out of water. It made Scott smile, and he ran a hair through his dark tresses in a way she was sure made interns blush. 

‘I’ve taken you by surprise.’ He said. ‘Just think about it, let me know when you’re ready to say yes.’ 

He left her sitting there with her cheeks flushed in embarrassment and wide eyes. When she eventually turned around, the delayed shuffle of papers, chatter and movement made her feel like she was on a talk show. 

She tried not to make eye contact with the one man who probably despised Scott the most in the entire ED.

Robby was the CEO of hovering.

Something Aleah would have found funny if she wasn’t the primary target of said hovering. She couldn’t blame him, not really. He was wound up. He was handling an ED for twelve hours before coming home and handling her, for almost a month. Now, he was following her around the ED - eight hours into her shift - and coiled so fucking tightly that Aleah was pretty sure he had an underlying note of impatience that was indicative of the fact they hadn’t had sex. Or even kissed.

That was her conclusion, at least. 

She didn’t know if he was scared to touch her, to cross that final couple of steps over the bridge into becoming more. Or if all the romantic undertones were in her head, if he was really trying to keep that separation and just wanted her to hurry up, get better and move out. That he let her stay so long because he knew she was recovering, and fragile and sad more often than she was happy.

It would explain the lie he’d fabricated about her staying with her sister.

She didn’t know . He wouldn’t talk to her about it. 

So they were stuck in this limbo, where Robby loomed over her shoulder when she tended to male patients or placed a hand on the small of her back and asked her if she needed to take a five after an intense rush.

‘Dr Robinavitch?’ she drawled, eyes trained on the iPad as she updated her patients notes. 

He hummed in response, arms folded and standing just on the threshold of her cubicle. Curtains open. She turned toward him, lowered her voice and tried not to clench her teeth in irritation.

‘Marcus is a fourteen year old patient with suspected appendicitis, once his scans confirm that I am sending him to the OR. He came in with his parents. He is not going to pull out a knife and stab me. So, why are you skulking around my bay like an undercover cop?’

He laughed, quietly, lowly, with eyes widened and a disbelieving edge to the curve of his lips. 

‘I’m just making sure-’ 

‘I told you if I needed you, that I’d tell you.’ 

Robby leaned back, dark, hazel eyes assessing her before he spoke again. With caution. ‘This is the same bay you got stabbed in.’

‘You don’t think I know that?!’ She sniped, inhaling a deep breath and filling her lungs with something other than intense frustration and panic. ‘I know that, Dr Robinavitch. Stop treating me like glass, I’m not gonna break.’

He nodded, unfolding his arms. They swung at his side, idly. Uncomfortably. Before going into the pockets of that stupidly, endearingly weathered hoodie. ‘What did you say to Ramirez?’

If a brain could short circuit, Aleah was pretty fucking sure that was what hers was doing right then. ‘What?’

‘Ramirez. Your ex. When he asked you out, what did you say?’ 

Robby’s gaze was expectant, shedding any amusement he may have had at having the audacity to ask her that. There was tightness around his eyes, something that didn’t edge in anger… but something else. Annoyance? No. Panic. He looked panicked. 

Aleah reared back. ‘I cannot believe you are asking me about this.’ 

She didn’t give him a chance to respond, instead, she turned back to Marcus. He was no longer curled in on himself in agony, the pain meds had taken care of that. Instead, he was playing on his switch. His parents were talking idly between themselves. 

‘I’ll be back as soon as I have your CT scan results, do you guys need anything else?’ 

Marcus shook his head, but his mother looked up. ‘Maybe a blanket? Just in case he gets cold.’ 

‘You got it.’ Aleah smiled, and Marcus’ mom offered a bigger one. 

‘Thanks so much, Dr Summers.’ 

Robby followed her through the ED, past the nurses station and right into the supply closet. Uncaring if his strides were too swift, and that he was so close behind her. When he closed the door behind him and leaned against it, he fixed her with a look. 

‘He came back after lunch, with an iced matcha and asked if you’d made up your mind. Did you turn him down?’

‘ Fuck sake , Robby! Do you think this is normal? Do you realise how ridiculous you sound?!’

‘You’re living in my apartment,’ he seethed, ‘I think it’s normal to ask you if you’re planning on dating your ex.’ 

Fury had seeped into the corners of Aleah’s vision, sinking beneath her skin until it buzzed through her veins like a current of electricity. ‘What are we, Robby?’ 

He blanched, like the question slapped him in the face. ‘What?’ he said, with a flare of something in his eye and a rigidity to his shoulders, taking a step forward. 

‘I’m living in your apartment, we share a bed, I have a drawer of my stuff in your room.’ She listed things off on her fingers, oblivious to the fact Robby was inching closer. ‘One night you ask me to wait. You promise me you’re gonna fix it. That’s it. That’s all you said. That’s all I got from you . You won’t kiss me, you won’t tell me you love me, you certainly won’t fuck me so what is this, Dr Robinavitch? What are we?!’

‘Don’t pull this shit.’ He was dangerously close, chest pressed against her own, and his nostrils flaring. ‘You know what we are.’

Something hot sparked inside her, like a match, igniting in her chest and licking a fire down her spine and down between her thighs. It curled, settling low in her pelvis and soaking her underwear. Fuck. When he used that voice; low, demanding, controlling, she lost her mind. 

‘No I don’t. So, tell me.’ She pushed, defiantly and with an attitude she knew he enjoyed fucking out of her. She was desperate for that same treatment. 

‘Turn down Ramirez.’

‘Tell me what we are.’

‘You want to be a brat right now?’ Robby tilted his head, daring. ‘Turn him down, Aleah.’ 

She knew exactly what he wanted. So, she squared her shoulders, sucked in a breath and gave it to him. ‘No.’ 

Which came first? Aleah didn’t know, but she blinked and his hands were in her hair and his tongue in her mouth, stealing her breath. He yanked on the strands, angling her head just so and fucking devoured her. Aleah’s chest buzzed with an adrenaline she couldn’t contain, didn’t want to contain. She gripped onto his shoulders, teeth nipping at his lip as she tasted him. The shitty black coffee from the break room, the mint gum he’d had straight afterwards. 

His thigh pressed between hers, and the ridges of the pockets on his combat trousers rubbing against her pussy and dragging a gasp from her mouth. Robby pushed her up against the shelves, metal rattling. 

‘You wanna know what we are, Aleah?’ He pressed, only letting her rut against his thigh for a few more seconds before he gripped onto her hips. Hard. Halting her. 

She whined. Fucking whined. Like she would die if he didn’t make her come. She probably would. 

‘We’re living together,’ he muttered against her lips and between kisses. His voice ragged, possessive, furious . ‘We are together. You’re mine.’

He yanked on her scrubs, undoing the strings that kept them tied around her waist. Aleah complied, knees weak and breath ragged as he pushed them down her thighs, her panties not far behind. They bunched at her ankles, and her fingers shook as she undid the button of his pants, the sound of his zipper coming undone lost between their ragged breaths and fervent kisses. Like a scream in the midst of a storm. 

Her fingers wrapped around his cock; skin on his shaft heated, searingly so as she slipped him free of his brief. Robby’s groan was tortured as he forced her thighs apart. One hand holding onto her hip so tightly that Aleah hoped it left bruises, the other dove between her folds. Fingers dipping inside her. 

‘All this for me?’ He grit out, ‘And you wanna fuck your ex.’ 

‘I’d rather you fuck me.’ She said, teasing and petulant and nails digging into his neck while her other hand pumped his cock. 

He gripped her chin, tightly enough that it almost hurt. Loose enough that Aleah liked it. ‘Say it. Say all this is for me.’ 

‘All of it’s for you.’ Her dulcet tone bled into her shoulders, her chest, making her stomach heavy with desire. With need . ‘I’m yours, Robby.’ 

She had just enough time to grip onto the shelves behind her before he hooked a hand around one of her knees, spread her wide, and slammed into her. His free hand covered her mouth, silencing her screams. 

Fuck, fuck, fuck. He filled every inch of her, notched into the crevices inside her, the ridges of his tip brushing into that spot that almost made her black out. 

‘You’re so fucking tight.’ Robby strangled out, lips pressed against her cheekbone and panting like he’d just run a marathon. ‘This pussy is a perfect fucking fit. Just for me.’ 

It had been so long, but the relief? The sheer euphoric sensation flooding through her veins at the feeling of him inside her? It was insane. Like catching your breath, or coming up for air after fighting to swim to the top. It was like coming home. 

‘ Please,’ she begged, beneath the palm of his hand. Robby heard her though, because he pried his fingers from her lips. 

‘You gonna be a good girl?’ He asked, but they both knew there was only one answer. 

To prove it, he shifted, and Aleah’s breath was dragged from her lips at the feeling of him rubbing against her spot. 

‘Yes! Yes, yes fuck, Robby. Please!’

‘That’s my girl.’ He mumbled, warm breath kissing her skin as he pulled out of her, and slammed back in. 

The shelf rattled against her back, but she didn’t give a shit. Didn’t care that the door wasn’t locked. That someone could walk in any minute. The thought of it made her clench around him, and it yanked a moan from Robby, had him burying his face into her neck as she wrapped her leg around him while he pounded into her. 

Every other time they’d slept together had been hard, but measured. With a leisurely pace that indicated they had all the time in the world. Robby would watch her face closely, following the way her lips changed shape with every moan and gasp when he slid back into her.  

This was different. He held her with that same reverence, but it was laced with desperation, panic, like she’d slip from his grasp at any moment. Like they didn’t have enough time, and they didn’t. They’d probably already taken too long as it was. 

‘Robby,’ she gasped, ‘I’m gonna-’

‘Look at me.’ He demanded, gripping her neck. Forehead pressed against her own. 

His pace was unrelenting, unforgiving, almost punishing and the bloom of her orgasm began exactly where the ridges of his cock brushed up against her softest wall. His free hand released her knee, moving between their bodies until the pads of his fingers dipped into her folds. The creases around Robby’s eyes tightened, like feeling how soaked she was pained him. 

She wasn’t just soaked, though. She was gushing. It ran down her thighs, pooled around his cock. He couldn’t bite back his moan, and something about that fucking delighted Aleah. 

‘Christ, sweetheart. You’re drenched.’ He muttered, thumb circling her clit. 

‘Oh my- my- fuck , Robby-’

‘I know, sweetheart.’ He muttered, kissing her jaw, her cheeks, her lips. ‘I know.’ 

He didn’t let her catch her breath, didn’t exhibit the mercy that was bleeding into his words. His ragged breath persisted, because his thrusts remained unforgiving. His thumb pressing into her bundle of nerves with the perfect amount of pressure, circling it in the way she had shown him that very first time. 

‘Let go for me,’ he said, ‘let me see you come, sweetheart.’ 

Her orgasm hit like a bus, bursting into an inferno, a snapping of an elastic band beneath her belly button. Robby swallowed her screams with a kiss as her vision whitened, the fire spreading from her pelvis down to her toes, and up through her fingertips. It licked up her spine and scrambled her brain, distorting time. Robby poured his groan into her mouth, the clench of her cunt around his cock triggering his own release. He spilled hot cum inside her, painting her walls and reinstating everything he had just said. 

That she belonged to him. That they were meant for each other. She kept him pressed against her, unwilling to have him slip out of her. It was stupid, fucking reckless, but she liked that he had filled her up. Marked her in his own way. 

The fact he hadn’t moved; just breathed heavily into her neck and held her tightly as he softened inside her, made her chest bloom with affection. He wanted to linger in the moment, just as much as she did. 

Robby leaned his head back, enough that his nose brushed her cheek. ‘Of course, I love you.’ He eventually said, and Aleah’s breath caught in her throat. 

‘I’m sorry I never said it.’ He closed his eyes, reeled in the emotions she could see brewing in lines in his face and faced down. ‘I know you- you said it before. You’ve said it a couple of times and I-’ something in his voice was breaking, ‘I’m sorry.’ 

She didn’t need to say she forgave him. It wasn’t something that needed forgiving. They had gone through so much since then, and - if she was honest - he had shown her he loved her every day since taking her home with him. 

‘Tell me again.’ She whispered, fingers carding through his hair. Until it rested on his nape, fingertips caressing his scalp. ‘Tell me again. Please.’ 

‘Turn him down.’ Robby said instead, possessiveness and want bleeding into the agony of his gaze. ‘Promise me you’re gonna turn him down.’ 

Aleah smiled, she couldn’t help it. Her other hand cupped his cheek, pulling him close to her. 

‘I already did, you stupid idiot.’ The way he blinked at her, both surprised and affronted, made her laugh. ‘Now, tell me you love me.’ 

He was still inside her, she was still half naked and he was fully dressed and his cum was mixed with her slick, running down her thighs. And she was laughing. 

Soon enough, so was Robby. 

Both hands cupped her jaw, and he leaned forward, kissing her softly. Tenderly. Like she was the reason he woke up in the morning, and the only reason he slept peacefully at night. 

‘I love you.’ He finally said, ‘I’ve loved you since the night we met, and you said the way I looked at my phone was giving senior citizen.’ 

Aleah’s eyes burned, but she wouldn’t cry. It would ruin her mascara and she looked a mess already. ‘I love you too, old man.’

Chapter Text

you say no need to look behind me, that I can keep you here beside me

to make a mess of it, then make the best of it

it isn't perfect, but it might be

‘So, I talked to my dad.’ Aleah said, hovering by the arch that led into Robby’s living room. Biting her thumb as she watched him.

Robby looked up slowly from his book, glasses perched on the bridge of his nose. He was reading Sally Rooney’s latest book. After Aleah had begged him to read an earlier one, he’d sort of become ravenous with her work. Completely unexpected, but endlessly adorable to Aleah. 

‘I’m already sitting down for this.’ He cracked, and she couldn’t help the smile that grew as she padded toward him. 

Pulling his glasses off, Robby put the book down, folding a corner of the page he was on - sacrilegious to Aleah - and placed it on the couch beside him as she eased into his lap. Straddling him.

Robby had been at work all day, and in the month of her phased return Aleah had only gone up by one more day. It made her free days boring, but she wasn’t gonna fight occupational health on it - they’d take her off completely for another month if she had some type of freak out. Robby had been annoyingly persistent about not taking on more than she could handle, either. So, she tried to fill her free days up with other things; like spending time with her new nephew… and her father.

‘I told him I’m in love with you,’ she muttered quietly, fingers cradling his jaw as his hands tightened around her thighs. ‘And that we’re serious, and happy. I told him that he needs to be okay with that.’

Robby’s gaze tracked her face, as if searching for any distress. Ready to comfort her, to encase her in so much love that it’d probably dry any tears she was yet to shed. God, she loved him so much. Loved that he could tell by the slightest dip of her shoulders, or a slow blink, whether her mood shifted into something that would require consoling.

‘He kind of sighed and just went “ fine”. ’ She laughed softly, shaking her head. ‘You kind of won points with him when you spent almost two months nursing me back to health, I think.’ 

It wasn’t that she needed his approval in the personal sense, but she did need it professionally. She’d rather neither of them get fired for disclosing their relationship to HR.

The creases that cradled Robby’s eyes tightened, humour bleeding into the folds as his smile lit up his face. He looked at her, warmly and tenderly and with an edge of knowing. ‘I feel like there’s a but coming.’ 

She sucked in a breath. ‘We can notify HR, and we’ll be fine. He just… he doesn’t want it to be public. At least, like, not until my residency’s done or…’ Aleah trailed off, discomfort bleeding into her shoulders. 

It was obvious when it clicked for Robby, his eyes were always so expressive. ‘Or we get married.’ He finished.

Aleah nodded, splotches of pink dotting her cheeks as she looked down at the collar of Robby’s shirt. Unable to look him in the eye. They hadn’t discussed anything like this before; he’d briefly mentioned kids, and she was half-way living with him by now, but it had never been a solid conversation. 

Robby’s sigh was deep, and she watched the way his chest rose and fell dramatically. He released her thighs, braiding his fingers into her curls, and pulled her gaze back to his face. ‘Then I guess we better start making things official.’ 

Confusion tugged at her brows. ‘Meaning?’ 

‘We’ll get you out of your lease, move you in here. Officially. Then, when you’re back at work full time and settled, I’m asking you to marry me.’ 

Could your heart stop beating whilst keeping you alive? A dumb question for a doctor, she knew. Aleah was pretty sure her lungs had seized up too. She blinked, repeatedly, while Robby’s soft gaze tracked every single time her lids closed, and every soft exhale from her mouth. 

‘You’re being serious?’ She hated how small she sounded. How unsure the intonation in her words were. 

‘I have never felt anything but serious about you, sweetheart.’ He muttered, pulling Aleah closer. The tip of his nose grazed hers, then her cheek. 

‘I almost lost you. I promised myself I wasn’t gonna let you go again, and I’m not.’ He said, and Aleah’s eyes closed, softly inhaling the scent of him; musky, warm and soft. His home smell. The smell he had first thing in the morning, and before they went to bed. He buried his face into her neck, his breath hot against her skin, lips grazing with every heavy, loaded word he shared. ‘You’re under my skin now, and I like it that way.’ 

Feeling that ache between her thighs like clockwork, Aleah couldn’t help the way a breathless moan fell from her lips. She rubbed herself against him, and when her clothed clit brushed against his growing erection, she felt the vibration of his chuckle against her neck. 

‘Already?’ he mumbled, lips planting a trail of kisses up until reaching her chin. ‘How wet you gonna be if I touch you?’ 

He cupped her pussy, grunting his approval at how soaked her panties already were. She was only in a shirt, his shirt - something she knew drove him crazy. His fingers rubbed at her clothed folds, the damp cotton sticking to her and making the friction agonising. Fuck this , impatience got the best of Aleah as she moved in for a kiss. Open mouthed, insatiable and greedily. 

She panted as he tugged her underwear to the side, the pads of his fingers swiping through her folds, agonisingly slowly, before she ground her pelvis into his hands. 

‘Look at how soaked you are for me.’ He muttered, low and strained. His cock pressed into her thigh, but he didn’t push up, didn’t grind against her the way she desperately needed him to. Instead, his thumb swiped at her clit, hard and repeatedly, until sinking two fingers inside her. 

The sheer relief that bled through her moan didn’t go ignored by Robby. She felt his chuckle against the skin of her neck, and his other hand gripped her hip. Helping her ride his fingers. Fuck, she loved when he was this attentive. 

‘I’ve got you, sweetheart.’ He mumbled, and she pressed her forehead into his, nails digging into his shoulders above his shirt. Hips bucking slowly, he wouldn’t let her go any faster. He wasn’t that generous. Bastard.

‘Robby,’ she whined, and instantly Aleah knew she’d won. ‘ Fuck!’

He’d curled his fingers, pressing into that soft, familiar spot that had evidently become as familiar to him as his own fucking body. Because he kept going, rubbed the pads of his fingers against it as Aleah threw her head back. An unfiltered scream of expletives burst from her lips. His grin pressed into her neck, not kissing but ghosting. Hovering. ‘That’s it, take what you need.’ 

‘I need you .’ She shot back, unable to stop riding his fingers but needing more .

There wasn’t enough. His fingers weren’t enough. Releasing his shoulders, she pulled at the strings of his sweat pants, a scream dragged from her throat when his thumb rubbed her clit with too much force - the type of force she loved . Her skin burned, lit up with something much too furious to just be hunger for him. It was more selfish than that, more ravenous. 

A hiss escaped his lips as his cock sprang free from his briefs, the waistband of his sweats sitting just below his balls. His fingers didn’t stop, though, not even momentarily halting as a gasp ripped from Aleah’s mouth. She rose, his soaked, sticky fingers falling away from her cunt. Robby’s grin was a little too satisfied at how much slick coated his digits, shoving them into his mouth.

Aleah’s mind was running with too many ways she needed him inside her to properly appreciate it. Instead, she guided his cock to her pussy, rubbing herself on him, until he was drenched with her. The sensation made her skin burn, her chest want to burst with how fucking hard her heart was beating. 

‘I need you.’ She said again, and maybe it was the desperation in her dulcet tone. Maybe it was the way her fingers shook around his cock, or the way her lips trembled as she kissed him, but Robby didn’t deny her. 

He pulled her in for a kiss, lip biting her bottom one just as she lined him up, and pulled her down violently onto his cock. Her gasp - breathless, relieved and doused in ecstasy - couldn’t be held back. She wouldn’t even want to. 

‘Fuck- fuck , you fit so good.’ Robby moaned, and she wrapped her arms around his neck, rolling her hips, guided by his tightened grip. 

He’d leave bruises. She liked that best. Markings made by desire, by reverence and love and an uncontrollable need to pull every last desperate moan from her. 

‘Gonna make you cum,’ he ground out between his clenched teeth, guiding her speed as it picked up. Pushing upward to meet her for every thrust. ‘Then gonna lay you down and use my tongue.’ 

The promise was laced between each letter, his grip tightening with every word as his angle continued to brush up against her spot. Sparking a light inside her. ‘Gonna make you come so many times the only thing you’ll remember is my name.’ 

He pressed a hand into the small of her back, pushing her chest flat against his. Her bundle of nerves rubbing roughly against his pelvis, his coarse hairs creating an edge of something delicious and sharp. ‘Fuck, Robby !’

It was coming. Holy shit, she could feel it. The sparks that began deep in her gut, a cord tightening with each push against her clit, and a boiling heat pushing to the surface with each brush of his ridged cock sliding against her walls. 

‘Oh god - Robby- I- I’m gonna- I can-’ Her fingers pushed into his hair, tightening on the strands. She couldn’t see properly, her vision was beginning to darken. ‘- please - don’t stop !’

Her rutting lost rhythm, any coordination abandoning her as she chased the high that was so close to shoving her off a cliff. 

‘Good girl,’ he said, strangled and pained, like he could barely hold on either. ‘Let go.’ 

It wasn’t abrupt, but it did hit her hard. That tugging string beneath her belly button snapped, the coil tight inside her bursting. Her vision dotted, screams ripped from her throat as the shivers and electricity lanced up her spine, down her toes. Until her mind felt hazy and gravity abandoned her. 

‘ Ohmygod !’ She screamed, spine locking up. 

Robby followed quickly, his grunts and moans loud and angry as he spilled himself inside her. A habit they had both been poor at curbing. 

Pulling her tightly into his chest, Aleah’s head dropped onto his shoulder. Temples slick with sweat, his shirt clinging to her back and breasts. Underwear still on, shoved to the side and his still hard cock inside her. 

His heavy breaths a steady, soothing rhythm against her chest. ‘I can’t wait to make you mine.’

She couldn’t help the smile that graced her lips at his words. Warmth flooding through her limbs, settling in her chest. She nuzzled his neck. ‘I already am.’

A small breath of amusement escaped his nostrils caressing her cheek. Then, she felt his hand tighten on her thigh. 

‘Get on your back.’ He demanded.

She wasn’t in any mood to deny him.

He’d been gone for almost an hour. Aleah had lost all subtlety, and every time she thought she heard Robby’s voice, she raised her head from the chart she’d been focused on. A soft buzz of nervous anticipation simmered beneath her skin, making her antsy and unable to stop for too long. 

Shit, even staring at the board couldn’t make her focus. 

She’d discharged two patients - who had come in over night - before she spotted the top of Robby’s head. He’d come in through the back doors, the one that led to the viewing room. Arms folded and the sleeves of his shirt pushed up to his elbows beneath his scrubs. Aleah did not give a single shit. She headed straight for him. 

‘What did they say?’

His hands went up in alarm, one only just grabbing an iPad. ‘Jesus, can you give me a minute?’ 

Maybe being that close in his personal space was a dead giveaway that the two had zero boundaries, but then she’d also had his cock in her mouth just that morning. So, you know, boundaries, schmounderies. He’d broken them first, anyway. 

‘You were in there for like two hours !’ She whispered, following him down to central five, ‘my interview was only forty-five minutes, what did they say?’ 

Robby shook his head, as if he didn’t want to get into it. Not yet, at least. 

‘I am not waiting until we’re home! I’ll just spend all day thinking it went bad- oh god, it’s bad isn’t it? Are they transferring me? Are they transferring you ? Are they firing one of us? My dad said that wouldn’t happen-’

‘I need you to breathe.’ Rounding on Aleah, he stopped in the middle of the ED and she almost collided into him. ‘No one is getting fired or transferred.’ 

He wanted to look annoyed, she could tell. That tightness around his eyes was one usually used exclusively for berating and mean criticism. Instead, something tugged at the corner of his lips. It made her want to lean forward, peck him on that cute little corner. That would definitely get her fired. 

‘We were talking through the logistics of who would do your performance reviews and monitor your progress in the programme, since it’s no longer appropriate for me to do it.’ He said it quietly, constantly looking over her shoulder. 

Aleah didn’t look back, she didn’t want to make it obvious that she knew they had an audience. Instead, she stepped back a little, forcing distance she didn’t really want to implement. 

‘And?’ She pressed. 

‘We’ll need to confirm a few things, but it looks like Dr Abbot will take over for those things.’

She couldn’t help it, her face fell. Dramatically and grandly and with such sad eyes that she knew Robby would laugh. When it burst from his chest, smothered by his hand, Aleah thought of what she’d do to hear it all the time. The lengths she’d go to every time his laugh made her chest lighter. 

‘Yeah, thought you’d have that reaction.’ He chuckled before turning to walk away from her. 

‘But he’s so mean .’ She called out, uncaring of how whiney she sounded. 

‘You’ll live!’ He said over his shoulder.

It had just been a normal day. 

As normal as it could be, at least. No major accidents, standard monotonous stream of patients who were a little exhausted and a lot annoyed because they’d been waiting for hours. In fact, it was such a dependable type of day that Aleah could almost call it enjoyable. She’d even gone up in her work days. 

Four days a week at work was way better than two. At least then Aleah didn’t feel like fucking bambi learning how to walk every week she came in. It meant more consistency, less alone time and most importantly, not be so fucking bored - even if she got to see her nephew more often, but that just made her broody. She did not need to add wanting a child to the list of things her and Robby were building together. Not yet.

She’d only just moved in. A baby was nuts. Which was kind of rich to say since they were the CEO’s of playing fast and loose with contraception, but they kind of timed it well with her cycle. Robby would just give her a look if she ever said that out loud. 

Babies shouldn’t have been circling her mind as much as it currently was. But the point was, she was doing okay - she was doing good - when it happened. 

Then she’d gotten one of two brothers as a patient - a fist fight had broken out at a family birthday. Turns out the married one - her patient - had been sleeping with his little brother’s girlfriend. A bloody fallout, a broken nose and fractured jaw later and their yelling continued despite being put into separate cubicles. Olsen stood guard between both, keeping their curtain closed and separating their faces.

Samira and Aleah had shared looks over her patient as one of them stitched the lacerations on his fist while the other set the broken nose. It was almost funny, to the point where Samira had to bite her lip the next time she made eye contact with Aleah. 

Then her patient - who’d she’d aptly nicknamed Big Bro - had lost it. His wife had turned up, teary and screaming and demanding a divorce. Little Bro, who Cassie and Whitaker were taking care of, only seemed to be galvanised by it. 

‘Don’t you ever think you’re welcome in my fuckin’ house again, you piece of shit!’ Little Bro screamed, and Aleah could hear him standing. ‘And you can kiss that fucking job I scored you at the bar goodbye!’

‘I’m sick of you acting like you’re hot shit just because you got your law degree!’ Big Bro shot back, and before Aleah could blink, he shoved her away by the shoulders. She fell off the stool she’d been sitting on, wheels of her stool darting away and straight into Olsen’s knees. 

‘Hey! Sit your ass down!’ He screamed, grabbing onto the patient's shoulders. Samira stepped back, big brown eyes blinking widely. 

That was when his wife started sobbing, and he started begging. Little Bro thought that was the perfect moment to barge past the curtains, and honestly Aleah couldn’t remember how the rest of their fight unfolded. She shuffled backwards on her hands and feet, until her back collided with the wall.

Something cold, almost sinister, ascended her spine. Locking it up. Her shoulders tensed up so much that a cramp would definitely follow it. Her heart pounded, fast, erratic and out of time with her heavy breaths. She couldn’t breathe.

Fuck, she couldn’t breathe . Ringing echoed in her ears, muting the screaming as she fisted her scrubs, like pulling the shirt away from her chest would help free her lungs from the iron grip around it. 

Dark spots crept into her vision, slowly at first, and then sped up. Making her blink over and over again to clear it away. 

She couldn’t breathe.  

Then she saw it; silver, long, glinting in the artificial light above her head. It was coming straight down to her, dug into her cheek, sliced down slowly through flesh and muscle like it was butter. Then, suddenly, making her start, hands gripped Aleah’s shoulders..

‘It’s just me!’ Robby said, and she only realised then that she’d been fighting his grip. ‘It’s alright, it’s just me sweetheart.’ 

There was no knife. No open wound in her cheek, no faceless guy coming toward her. She blinked, vision blurry but only just making out the dark colours that were Robby’s hair and scrubs. She was crying.

When did she start crying?

‘It’s okay. You’re okay.’ He said softly, like corralling a broken, scared puppy into his arms. 

They had her patient back in his gurney, Olsen’s hands holding him down while Sable - their new guard - held down the other across from them. When had they gotten them under control?

‘Hey, look at me.’ Robby’s hand softly gripped her jaw, turning her face back toward him. ‘Are you in pain? Did you hit anything when you fell down?’ 

She wouldn’t really take anything in about his expression. Not until later, when she was all cried out, and had hours worth of distance from this, and was drowning in one of Robby’s shirts whilst being tucked in bed. Only then, would she think back to his face. To how contrite he looked, the white pallor of his skin, the tremble in his voice and the redness of his eyes. 

She’d realise he looked terrified; like he’d just watched her die.

Jesse’s place was in Lawrenceville. A cute three story house, narrow and two bedrooms. Honestly? Aleah’s kind of jealous at how spacious his backyard was; he got the first floor. It was narrow, but extended pretty far back; perfect for a grill despite the lukewarm weather. 

Anyone who wasn’t on shift that day had arrived at midday, and she’d spent a good couple of hours sharing a fold out chair with Ellis, watching Donnie, Jesse and Shen argue over the semantics of grilling a vegan burger separate to the beef burgers. 

‘This is what happens when Shen binges The Bear.’ Ellis mumbled, finishing off her beer. 

‘Huh.’ Aleah said. ‘I thought he was marathoning british master chef?’ 

‘No, that was last month.’ Ellis stood, taking a handful of steps to the makeshift trashcan. Which was really just a garbage bag hanging off the fence. ‘He’s up to date on that now.’ 

‘This is what happens when you only do four fucking days a week!’ Aleah exclaimed. 

It was so annoying being out of the loop so much.

She didn’t even know who Perlah and Princess were gossiping about these days, she wasn’t in work enough to keep track. That was the real tragedy. Not the fact that sometimes loud noises and yelling triggered a panic attack, or the fact that on those days Robby was extra enthusiastic about hovering and micromanaging her workload. Between that, and the fact they always left together, she was pretty sure that most of the ED knew something was going on. 

She didn’t think anyone had the balls to actually ask, though. Robby was too scary for that, and denial was Aleah’s middle name. She made it a fucking art form. 

‘How’s that goin’? Occupational health not bending?’ 

Aleah shook her head, ‘not until Robby and Abbot approve it.’ She took a sip of her orange juice, alcohol wasn’t agreeing with her lately. ‘And they’re like helicopter parents, you know?’ 

Ellis laughed, hand rubbing the back of her head where her hair was shorn. ‘Abbott didn’t even blink when he got your carotid under control, but as soon as he got you stabilised? Never seen him shake like that before.’ 

Ellis looked away from her. Like she was remembering that night, like she could see it all in high definition; the blood all over the floor, Aleah curled in on herself. It hadn’t once crossed Aleah’s mind what that night could have felt like for everyone else. Guilt curled inside her, making her stomach more uneasy than it had been all day. 

Silence engulfed the pair, but it melted into the laughter and low hum of chatter around them. Then Ellis mumbled, softly and only for her to hear, ‘You should’ve seen Robby when he walked in. Never seen him scared like that. Pretty sure he looked at you like the world began and ended with you.’ 

Fuck, were her cheeks going red? They felt hot as shit. Aleah scratched at her neck, now she was the one avoiding eye contact. 

‘Probably because he knew my Dad would hit the fucking roof.’ She laughed out. ‘Him being an asshole isn’t just a rumour, he doesn’t give a shit if Robby has tenure.’ 

When she finally looked back at Ellis, the senior resident had a solitary brow raised high. Almost comically so, and it felt even louder with the fact they were sharing a seat. It meant every expression either had was in fucking 4K. 

‘Yeah, I’m sure that’s exactly what that face was. Fear of your dad .’ Ellis deadpanned. 

Food was her saving grace, because by then the three stooges had finally finished grilling and served up the first batch. Aleah made it through three burgers, and a hot dog by the time the day shift started rolling in. Trinity walked through the back door, catching her eye and making a beeline for her. 

‘Is that beef? I’m starving .’ She pulled Aleah’s hot dog right out of her hand, and really it was so audacious she couldn’t even be offended. 

That was exactly the kind of shit Aleah was talking about, when she always said Trinity acted like her little sister.

‘Yeah, and it’s mayonnaise. I hate ketchup and mustard.’ She wiped her hands on the bottom of her dress, dusting off the crumbs. 

Trinity grimaced. ‘Mayo? In a hot dog? You’re fucking monster.’ 

Aleah answered with her middle finger, gaze snagging on a man about thirty years older than Trinity just behind her. He was wearing the exact same thing he’d left wearing to work; bootcut jeans, sneakers and a zip up hoodie. He looked just as good as he did that morning, despite the twelve hour shift. The lines dented into his face today were from humour, joy. That warmed her. She liked when Robby had a good day, when he wasn’t burdened with the memories he so often tried to bury deep. When he was free to just exist.

He was on the deck, arms folded as Whittaker talked to him. Robby’s head tilted, listening well enough that he could reply when he needed to. The other half of his attention? Pinpointed right on Aleah. She could feel his eyes roam her body like it was his own hands. Like when they were in bed, her body hidden beneath his and his knuckles ghosting across her collarbones, between her breasts and down her navel. 

Shit. How could he get a reaction from her like that from just looking ? It was insane. How much - after all their months together - she could want him so badly. That what bloomed between them was equal parts desire and adoration and it seemed to consistently overflow, like a plugged sink.

It didn’t feel overwhelming, though. Nor disastrous. Instead, it felt like all those times she would be at the beach, when she’d run out to the water until it got all the way up to her ears. Something about treading water, and laying out flat to float brought an ease that couldn’t be granted anywhere else. All Aleah could hear was the soft lapping of waves, the very distant sound of kids laughter. It was peaceful, it left her feeling whole. 

That’s what Robby felt like.  

She smiled, all big and full teeth and like a teenager. Aleah didn’t even care how stupid it looked on her. When Robby smiled back, it ebbed with so much warmth that it felt like her chest was ten times lighter. That affection, that endless and effortless love he always seemed to give her so freely? It bled into his eyes, his shoulders. 

God, she couldn’t wait to marry him. 

She felt when he took note of her sundress; the thin straps, the way it cinched at waist and where it flared out to mid-thigh. 

That warmth shifted into something darker, hungrier. They definitely weren’t gonna hold out until they got home.

‘Here, have the rest.’ She shoved the paper plate into Trinity’s free hand, and the little shit didn’t even protest taking the rest of her food. 

She walked fast; with purpose and weaving between people she knew and neighbours of Jesse’s she’d never met. When she got to Robby and Whittaker, she nodded at both of them, motioning to move past. 

‘Sorry guys, need the bathroom.’ She said, waiting until the last word to look at Robby. 

Aleah knew when it clicked for him. A corner of his lips ticked up in a smirk before he looked away. 

It barely took five minutes until he followed her up the stairs, knocking on the bathroom door. She’d barely left a gap for him to slip through before he shoved the door closed, locking it behind him. He pushed Aleah backwards, until her back hit the sink. 

When his head dipped, lips a breath away from hers, Aleah leaned her head back. He followed her, undeterred by the teasing smile and the fact her lips were always just out of reach. He got the last laugh when he eventually wrapped a palm around the back of her neck, halting any more movement. 

‘We got about fifty people downstairs who are gonna come looking for the bathroom soon.’ He ground out, but it was laced with a hungry impatience. It brushed against her skin, elicited a shiver down her spine. Fuck, her thighs were already slick. ‘Stop being a brat.’ 

‘There’s another toilet downstairs.’ She shot back, smug. A gasp was dragged from her throat barely a second later when Robby shoved his hands up her dress.

‘No underwear.’ He mused, jaw tight and eyes burning. ‘Risky.’ 

‘Thought you’d appreciate the easy access.’ She huffed. 

His thumb swiped through her folds, and the moan Aleah let out was cut off. A large, calloused hand slapped over her lips. ‘No, no. Can’t go making any noise now. You gotta be quiet for me, can you do that?’ 

Oh god, she definitely can’t say yes to that. With his thumb circling her clit, and his nose trailing up her neck, Aleah would be fucking lucky to make it through the next ten seconds. It’s like Robby sensed she was gonna say no, because quickly enough he stops circling, and just holds his thumb there. Pressed into her bundle of nerves, enough to make it feel good but light enough to make her try and grind into his hand. 

Robby didn’t budge. He just waited. Until Aleah’s nails dug into his shoulders and began nodding a little too fast. 

‘Good girl.’ He whispers, and through the loud, heavy beating of her heart, Aleah could just about make out the sound of his belt being unbuckled. The pull of his zipper. ‘Open for me.’ 

She widened her legs, leaning against the sink basin until his cock lined up with her. His hand clamped back on her mouth just as he slammed into her, and Aleah couldn’t have been more fucking grateful. 

He began moving, cock sliding out of her - the only sound his heavy panting and the slickness between her thighs - before pushing back in at an unforgiving pace. Aleah walls contracted around him, her pussy doing all it possibly could to keep him there. Keep him inside. It was unfair how fucking good he was at keeping his mouth shut. Jaw locked so tight it could have shattered. 

With her screams muffled, and his thrusts picking up the pace, Aleah wrapped her legs around him. Pulling him closer, like she didn’t want there to be a single millimetre of space between them. 

‘Fuck,’ he muttered quietly, the words lost to the sounds of his heavy breathing. Head jerking as Aleah’s fingers yanked on his hair. The small of her back aching each time it collided with the basin. 

It wasn’t the slow, sensual fucking they’d gotten into the rythm of at home. Nor the desperate, earnest sex they’d stupidly had in the supply closet. No, this was carnal, possessive, laced with a drunken lust that made Aleah feel like she was gonna rip at the seams. Made her lose her mind. 

And she couldn’t even scream. Couldn’t tell him that she was close, that the bruising, hard pace he’d set was rubbing all the right spots inside her. That the ridges of his cock made sliding into her feel goddamn, mindnumbingly euphoric. 

But he could tell. He could always tell. 

‘You gonna’ come for me, sweetheart?’ He panted, using one hand to lift her thighs, until she sat on the edge of the basin. 

She was pretty sure she was nodding. Aleah couldn’t say for certain. Her vision was starting to dot, that ascent of spine tingling pleasure winding up in her pelvis. Digging her teeth into the flesh of his palm, her cunt tightened around him. Half worried the basin would crack beneath her while Robby’s hips slammed into her. 

The skin broke beneath her teeth just as her orgasm hit. Exploding in an inferno in the pit of her stomach, spreading like a wildfire as her limbs locked up. Her toes curled . Aleah could have sworn she damn near lost consciousness, and that her heart was about to snap her ribs as it burst from her chest. 

Coming that hard without being allowed to scream his name felt like a fucking crime. 

He followed after her, spilling inside her and down her thighs, leaving her sweat slicked skin sticky. 

Robby released her mouth, not even bothering to look at where she’d bitten him. Pressing his forehead into her neck, he sucked in a deep breath, holding her to his chest. Tightly. Like he needed her to ground him, like he was afraid she’d disappear. 

When the edges of her vision stopped being hazy, and Robby’s breathing evened out, he pulled out of her. The sound of it ten times louder in the silence, it made her heat up. Her stomach was tightening all over again. God, how was she ready to go again? 

Robby sensed it just by looking in her eyes, and he leaned close, thumb swiping at her bottom lip. ‘Later.’ 

‘I’m counting on it.’ She panted, sliding off the sink. 

When she reached for the toilet roil, Robby gripped onto her wrist. 

He shook his head. 

Fuck. He didn’t even have to make a demand about it. She knew exactly what he was asking, and it was so hot that she found herself nodding to an unspoken demand. Robby kissed the bare skin on her shoulder, ushering her out first. 

Aleah spent the rest of the party with both their cum dripping down her thighs.

Robby would be home in an hour, and if she was being honest, Aleah had zero fucking desire to cook. That had been how her train of thought started off, how it led to a stupid, painfully obvious realisation minutes later. 

She scrolled through postmates, trying to figure out what she felt like eating - because Robby would never complain, as long as she was pleased - and turned her nose up at everything. Why did everything sound so horrendous? The idea of getting anything with meat made her stomach curl, the phantom feeling of it in her mouth already making her skin crawl.

She’d increasingly gotten pickier over the last few weeks. 

Sure, she had aversions to certain textures of food; the way certain parts of a steak weren’t tender enough, or how she hated the dry softness of chicken breast. But this? Her entire body tensing up thinking about kebab? She loved kebab. There was no reason for her to feel this disgusted by the thought of it. Filled with fear that if she even smelled it and felt nauseous, was insane. 

It was like a fucking record scratch, followed by a freeze frame, when it dawned on her. 

Aleah had closed the app, then opened up her period calendar. She counted each tiny little square that represented a day of the month. Until she realised her cycle was fucked. 

Oh. What a completely predictable turn of events that still somehow felt like a shock. 

Abandoning dinner, she decided to venture outside and head to the closest drug store. An hour and fifteen minutes later, she could hear the front door. The jangling of Robby’s keys as he called out for her. 

‘Bathroom.’ She yelled out, absently. 

She saw Robby’s socked feet first, mainly because she was staring down at a pregnancy stick. When he stepped into the bathroom, she looked up. He smiled at her, the same smile he always gave her when he came home. It brimmed with warmth, relief, like he’d been looking for her all day and was finally allowed to be close again.

Then, his gaze snagged on the stick in her hand, at the fact her panties were around her ankles while she sat on the toilet. Then, it shifted smoothly to the counter beside her. Lingering on all seven tests lined up beside each other. 

‘You’re sure?’ He asked softly. Quietly. Disbelief edging into the words, and - Aleah was certain - hope. 

‘All eight of them say the same thing.’ She whispered back. 

Robby dropped his backpack, taking another step forward before freezing. Something dawned on his face, like he’d forgotten his phone at work or something. Then, he abruptly turned, marching back into the bedroom. Aleah stayed put, listening to him rifle around and muttering to himself, hearing drawers slide open and then shut. 

When he came back to the bathroom, he walked right up to her, combats rubbing against her knees. Then, to Aleah’s fucking surprise, he got on one knee. A velvet box in his hands. 

‘Oh.’ She said, eyes bulging out of her sockets. 

‘I was gonna wait until after we approved you for full-time next week.’ He rushed out, and Aleah could have sworn his lips were trembling. ‘We just keep doing everything backwards.’

He opened the box, and Aleah was pretty sure her lungs had stopped working. 

‘This is the one you wanted, right?’ Robby said. Earnestly. Nervously. 

Oval cut. Gold band. Exactly how she’d described it, literally months ago. In passing. She’d told him once. Once. And he’d remembered. 

Aleah’s mouth opened and closed, her throat felt scratchy. Thick. Oh my god, she was gonna cry. 

‘I’m sitting on the toilet.’ She croaked, and Robby smiled. Tenderly, widely. 

‘Yeah, you are.’ He laughed out, softly. Quietly. Like he didn’t want anyone to intrude on their moment. 

‘We’re gonna have a baby.’ She was pretty sure a tear had slipped out.

His gaze softened. ‘Yeah, we are.’ 

‘And you’re proposing.’ Was that a rock in her throat? She could barely get the words out. 

‘Yeah.’ Replied Robby, and this time pride bled into his gaze. He sounded steadier than before, sure of himself. ‘I am.’ 

Leaning forward, Aleah pressed her elbows into her knees, hands wrapping around his wrists. Her forehead touched Robby’s, he didn’t pull his eyes from hers. Not even when they were that close.

‘We’re gonna get married.’ She laughed, through the tears and slowly emerging sobs.

Robby planted a kiss on the corner of lips, and she felt as he slipped the ring onto her left hand. 

‘Yeah, we are.’

Chapter Text

make me see I'm capable and fine

maybe it's the loving in your eyes

but you got me from my head to my feet

and I'm ready to dive

It had been the first scan, that’s what had made Robby decide. 

‘Damn,’ he whispered softly. Seeing that tiny, minuscule looking bean had shifted his entire equilibrium. 

Then the heartbeat had followed - something he hadn’t prepared for despite it being a twelve week scan - and the first fissure in Robby’s chest widened. Water gushed in, forcing his chest to fracture further until he was terrified he’d start bawling right there in the exam room. 

One hand holding Aleah’s, the other rubbing his nape, he’d looked over to watch her watching the screen and he’d broke. The pink hue beneath her brown cheeks, the way her bottom lip wobbled, it had set him off. 

Tears came as easily as the tide to him, and his fingers tightened around Aleah’s. 

‘They’re a little bean,’ Aleah had muttered, throat evidently blocked with tears, and turned to Robby. ‘We should call them that. Bean.’

It was almost scary how the both of them could follow the same line of silly thoughts. 

‘Bean’s perfect.’ He’d said, watery eyes squinting as he smiled over at her. Then turned back to the monitor. ‘Hi Bean, we’re your parents.’ 

Aleah’s laugh was short, melodic and watery. His favourite sound.

Robby had wanted to plant a kiss on her stomach then, but something told him with all the jelly, and the sonographer still running the probe across Aleah’s stomach, that it’d just be a mess. 

Instead, he brought her hand up to his face, kissed her knuckles tenderly. Lips softly scraping against the ring on her fourth finger. 

That’s when he’d decided; he needed to go to therapy. 

That scan was stuck to his fridge, along with a whiteboard Aleah had bought with her due date written on it in dramatic, bubble letters. 

He loved it. Something about the scans, the magnets, and all the silly little things she’d started buying for the apartment felt like she was filling in the cracks of who Robby was. Filled in the cracks of what had always made this apartment so empty. 

Memories, he realised. She was filling it with memories. 

One of the latest being that she’d hired a decorator to change one of their guest rooms into a nursery, because let’s face it: he didn’t have the back nor the time to do that type of work, and Aleah didn’t have the energy. Though, Robby demanded he be the one to put the crib together. Didn’t feel right having some stranger do that. 

He’d slipped out early as hell on their day off, planting a kiss on her cheek as she slept deeply. She did that a lot these days; sleep. The first trimester was kicking her ass. If it wasn’t debilitating nausea and incessant throwing up, she was napping a whole lot. He patted himself on the holding off on clearing her to return to full-time for a few more weeks.

The sun had barely greeted him when he got in the car. The streets were more deserted than typical, since it was pre-rush hour. His knee had bounced while he waited to be seen, bounced even more when his new therapist placed him on a couch. 

Robby hadn’t said anything since he’d sat down, and neither had she. She’d just stared, softly. Like she was curious about him, waiting for when he took the first baby step. She was young. Much younger than him. He didn’t like that. Someone barely Aleah’s age analysing all his unhealthy habits and excavating every horrible memory he’d desperately scrubbed away at. Ones he’d desperately hoped would just fade away. 

But he was here for a reason. So, he had to take that step forward. 

‘I’m going to be a father.’ 

He didn’t know why he led with that, but something about it felt good. He hadn’t told anyone yet - not even Jack and Dana - they were waiting until she was further along. Aleah had insisted, just in case. 

The therapist didn’t say anything. She stared and waited. Robby’s skin itched, deep beneath and almost down to the bone. It wasn’t an itch he could scratch away. 

He hated that she knew he was holding onto something. 

‘I’m scared. I’m scared I’m gonna be a terrible father.’ He shook his head, like he couldn’t believe he was letting any of this come out. Like giving it a voice would make it an inevitability. ‘I’m scared I’m gonna lose them both. I’m scared of running. I can’t do that to her.’ 

‘To who?’ She asked, softly. 

Her voice was like a soft breeze; soothing. Robby’s shoulders dropped. 

‘To- to Aleah. My partner…’ he paused, ‘my fiancé.’ 

She leaned forward, rested her chin in her hands. Her glasses were thick, the frame leopard print. It was the loudest thing about her, everything else was muted into soft beiges. Even her hair. 

He rubbed the back of his neck, and when he looked back at her, he froze. She was watching the move, like she’d already clocked that it was a nervous habit. 

‘I … don’t really know where to start.’ He said, still gripping his nape. No longer rubbing. His leg continued to bounce. ‘I kinda really want a cigarette.’ 

‘Do you smoke?’ She asked, and he shook his head. 

‘Used to. I quit.’ He breathed through his nose. ‘Sometimes I want one so bad I feel like I’m gonna crawl out of my skin. More so than usual lately.’ 

‘Because you’re scared of being a father?’

He didn’t say that. ‘Because I’m afraid of being a bad father.’

She watched the way he bristled, not offended by his curt tone. Jesus, are you supposed to hate your therapist?

When she sat back, one leg crossed over the other, he almost left. He hated how much this unsettled him, how much this was probably going to unsettle him for a while if he saw her again. 

Robby didn’t speak, didn’t say anything for a long time. Then, he said, ‘do any of your clients just sit here in silence, too?’ 

‘Sometimes.’ She shrugged. ‘Sometimes they just sleep on the couch, or just cry.’ 

He nodded, rubbing at his nape again. He felt his cheeks reddening, not out of embarrassment, but out of something else. Something he hated. The unrelenting need to start crying. He could feel the pressure building in his temples, the tightness of his throat. 

Robby didn’t even know why he was fucking crying. 

She took it in stride, let the tears stream for a few minutes. When she shoved a tissue box across the coffee table, he took it. Exhaling a deep, freeing breath. 

When he balled up the tissue in his fist, she spoke again.

‘Tell me why you’re afraid.’ 

It was just after ten when he got back. He could hear the coffee machine, and the soft hum of the tv. It greeted him gently, a familiar and warm welcome in a home that used to always greet him with silence. 

‘Hey,’ Aleah said, peering around the arch from the living room. ‘Where did you run off to?’ 

She padded barefoot toward him, still in her sleep shirt - his shirt - and opened her arms for a hug. Robby ducked his head into her neck eagerly, releasing a deep, long sigh. She smelled of the cotton sheets, a faint undertone of pomegranate from her shampoo last night. 

‘I went to see a therapist.’ He mumbled, expecting to feel her stiffen. To freeze. 

Aleah did neither of those. She pulled his head away from her neck, cupping his bearded jaw. 

‘How did you find it?’ She whispered, like anything louder would have broken their tenuous peace. 

‘Is it always that hard?’ He joked, but the breath of amusement was accompanied by a soft, dry sob. 

‘Sometimes, it’s worse.’ She said honestly. Gently. ‘It’ll get really bad before it starts to feel like it’s working. I need you to know that.’ 

He nodded. He did know this. Tabitha had said so herself when he’d finished crying. ‘I do.’ 

‘Are you prepared for that?’ 

Robby wanted to nod, but that would have been dishonest. She wanted an honest answer, and she deserved it. After the months of agonising torture he’d put her through, put them both through. Denied everything he felt, and made every damn day more difficult than the last, he owed her more than just honesty. He owed her everything. 

‘I don’t know.’ 

‘Okay,’ she whispered, caressing his cheek. ‘That’s okay, but I need you to tell me if you’re gonna quit.’ 

He winced at that word, but there wasn’t any better alternative. Robby was a runner in relationships, had been for a while, and he was doing his damned hardest to not run with her. It wasn’t a risk he could take. 

He’d lose her. He knew it, and she did too. 

‘Because when the baby comes…’ she trailed off, afraid to say what they both knew. 

When the baby came, things would be harder - wonderful, but so fucking hard. Aleah wouldn’t be in the place to handle much outside of keeping a newborn alive. She’d need him a lot. Those first six months would be a cocktail of hormonal imbalances, sleep deprivation and crippling fear about being a new parent. 

‘I’m gonna try really hard.’ He said, pressing his forehead into hers. ‘I’m promise I’m gonna try so fucking hard.’ 

She smiled at him; tenderly and brightly. A sunset was the second best view to that smile.

‘That’s all I need.’ 

She took his hand, made him shuffle his shoes off, and then led him to the bedroom. ‘I like napping after a hard session, we can have coffee later.’ 

Robby let out a breath of amusement. Let her slowly undress him, but not in a sensual way. It lacked the eroticism that usually accompanied those types of moments for them. 

Instead, it was done with meticulous, tender care. When he was down to his briefs, Aleah tucked him under the comforter, closed the blinds, and then got in with him. He laid his head on her chest, not unlike their first night together, and carded her fingers through his hair. 

He let the soothing circles of her fingertips on his scalp lull him to sleep. His hand cupping her stomach. 

Aleah could feel the cold, gold band on Robby’s left hand on her thigh. Pressing into the skin as he widened her legs. His mess of brown, and peppered gray hair was the only thing she could make out as he lapped at her folds. 

‘Fuu- oh my god- Robby!’ She gasped, hands fisting around the sheets. 

He didn’t relent. Didn’t grant her the mercy she desperately needed. Robby had been at this for hours. Tongue circling her bundle of nerves, his right index and middle finger slowly pumping in and out of her. Curling just before he slid out. 

Fucking hell. The edging was getting insane. He was a cruel, delicious, bastard.

That swirl of electrifying, addictive pleasure kept rising, circling her pelvis. Each time she even showed the smallest indication of an oncoming orgasm, he receded. Like waves pulling from shores.

‘Please- please!’ She screamed, her eyes clamping shut. Bucking her hips. Big mistake.

Robby pulled back, panting heavily. He’d exhausted himself too, she knew he had. There was no way he could keep going like this. 

‘You ready to say sorry yet?’ He muttered, and she forced herself up to her elbows. 

In the dim lighting of their bedroom, the yellow bulb of the bedside lamp fractured all the shades in his eyes. The green, gold and brown flecks clashing against each other as he stared up at her. Like that; dishevelled, and winded and chin soaked with her, Aleah couldn’t think he was anything but the most beautiful man she’d ever seen.

‘I didn’t do anything,’ she gasped, just as the pads of his fingers rubbed that spot inside her. ‘I didn’t do anything.’

That wasn’t technically true. She’d gone against one of his orders. Really, though, it was a stupid order. He’d told her to not take on the patient in central nine; a drunk, particularly imposing - and maybe occasionally violent - regular. Aleah knew exactly why he’d said no, but she was sick of it. 

Everyone else was occupied, the board was a mess, and her therapist had told her she needed to challenge herself again. To not be afraid of confrontational patients. It was technically homework, but Robby didn’t see it that way. No, he’d just seen it as his pregnant, new wife - who’d he’d married at a court house the week before - potentially putting herself in harm's way, and disobeying a direct order.

Now, he was making her pay.

What a fucking life. 

Robby did something obscenely cruel, then. He dipped his head, latched his lips onto her clit and began sucking so intensely that the endless edging and overstimulation throughout her body made her back bow, her body alight with a fire that was so close to being an orgasm she had to scream. 

‘Please!’ 

‘You’re making all these pretty sounds sweetheart,’ he mumbled, gravelly voice muted by the fact he kept his face buried between her folds. ‘None of them are what I wanna hear, though.’ 

Fuck it. She had to give in. Aleah would do anything - fucking anything - to relieve herself of this torture. To feel that tightly wound coil snapping inside her and granting her the euphoric release she’d been begging for all night. 

‘I’m sorry!’ She gasped, sweat beading down her temples, her naked breasts heaving. ‘I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.- Ahhh!’ 

He slid three fingers into her, his pace fast and hard in her cunt, his tongue relentless and unforgiving on her clit. When she came, he didn’t stop, instead granting her a prolonged release that whitened her vision, made her spine lock up and her thighs clamp around his head. Robby didn’t stop his fingers, her wetness dripping down his hand, soaking the bedsheets, as she grinded into his mouth.

Apparently, wringing every last scream from her, every drop of her cum and every wave of euphoria from her pussy was part of his skill sets. Maybe, he was even better at that than being a doctor. Aleah wasn’t entirely sure. She was too dazed to think clearly. 

‘Oh my god.’ She panted, vision blurred, skin slick with sweat. 

‘Was that so hard?’ Robby whispered, smugness etched between every word. 

‘Shut up,’ Aleah breathed out. Still catching her breath. ‘You’re such an asshole.’ 

He laughed; softly, quietly. Kissing his way up her thighs, he settled between them, pressing his lips into her stomach. The bulge was no longer one they could ignore. 

‘Hey, Bean.’ Robby whispered, hand coming to caress the skin. Thumb stroking across stretchmarks. ‘Your mom’s been real difficult today. Think it’s because you’re not kicking, yet. Think she’s impatient.’ 

‘I’m not impatient.’ She huffed, but it was a feigned annoyance. When Aleah looked down at Robby, took in the way he affectionately pressed his face into her bump, and softly looked up at her, she melted. ‘It’s been twenty weeks, they should have kicked by now.’

‘It’s normal in a first pregnancy.’ He reasoned, gentle and comforting. ‘You know that, sweetheart.’ 

She did. She hated being a fucking doctor sometimes, because it meant she was expected to behave a little more rationally. The reality was that Aleah was just as terrified as a clueless mom, and Robby knew that. Which was probably why he broached every subject with caution and a soothing tone. Smart man. 

Placing her left hand over his, she latched onto the warmth emanating from him. Grasped onto the calm that came with touching him. Robby stared at her rings, then at his thumb caressing her skin. ‘You’re showing now. Those scrubs won’t hide it forever.’ 

‘I know.’ Aleah sighed, rubbing at her eyes with her free hand. ‘I just don’t know how we’re supposed to tell them… all of this.’ 

‘Just let me take care of it.’ He practically begged. It was something he pleaded often these days. ‘Let me be the asshole that pulls rank and puts in a gag order so nobody bothers you.’ 

He crawled up her body, always tentative in how he handled her now. Though, his other hand never left her stomach. Like every time, his eyes always stopped at the scar on her cheek, slowly fading but still too prominent enough to not notice. 

‘Let me take care of everything. Please.’ Then, he grinned. Proudly. ‘It’s what husbands do.’ 

‘God,’ she laughed, ‘you’re gonna be unbearable with that.’

‘Damn right I am.’ 

He planted a gentle kiss on her temple, sliding his left arm beneath her neck until he could pull her closer. She settled against his bare chest, right hand pressed between them, lulled by the soft thrum of his heartbeat. The other still cupping Robby’s over her bump. 

Sometimes, he liked to just hold his hand there. Whether they were reading in bed, or watching a movie on his couch, his hand always found the curve of her stomach. Like it grounded him. Like he needed the reminder, and comfort of it.

It soothed her, too.

‘I’m gonna take a sabbatical.’ Robby said, nervously. It sliced through the silence, and forced Aleah to look up at him. Find his gaze. ‘When the baby comes, I’m gonna take a sabbatical. I have more than enough saved, and I really hate the idea of only getting two weeks paternity.’ 

‘But- but what if we need more money?’ Aleah stammered, beginning to shift so she could sit up. Instead, Robby’s grip tightened slightly, keeping her exactly where she was.

‘When I say I have more than enough saved, trust me. We can take the hit.’ 

‘Robby,’ she said softly. ‘You don’t have to do this if you don’t want-’

‘I do want to.’ He pressed. ‘I want to spend every fucking day with both of you for as long as I can. This is half my responsibility. I’m not leaving you for twelve hours a day, several days a week, to handle it on your own. I wanna be there for everything.’

When her gaze focused on his face, she realised it had shifted into something sadder. ‘I don’t wanna miss a single thing. I want every second I can get.’ 

God, he was gonna make her fucking cry. Robby knew it, too, because the way he pulled her even closer until she failed to decipher where he ended, and she began, was the embrace of someone who welcomed tears.

‘How long?’ She asked quietly, burying her head into his chest. ‘How long can you take off?’ 

‘Three months.’ He whispered, and despite the softness in it, she could hear his smile. 

Pressure built in her temples, her vision blurring. Sometimes, Aleah didn’t think any of this was real. They had come so far from when they’d first met. Robby had come so far. Every day, he showed up. Every day, he made good on his promises. 

‘Okay.’ She laced her fingers through his, letting him continue his caress of her bump, while squeezing his fingers. ‘Let’s tell everyone next week.’

Robby’s answer was another kiss on her head. 

That was when the baby kicked.

‘Married and pregnant?!’ Trinity exclaimed, bursting into the bathroom just as Aleah came out of a stall. ‘He sure as hell works fast.’ 

Startled, Aleah froze in place, eyes wide and mouth hanging open. Had he chosen her bathroom break to tell the entire fucking ED? 

Jesus. She knew she’d wanted him to take care of it, but she didn’t think he’d specifically wait until she wasn’t in the room. That was kind of a stretch too far, but then again Robby had never played about her wellbeing. Whatever she asked for, he provided. Maybe a little too literally, sometimes - like fucking now - but she wouldn’t hold it against him.

‘I knew there was something going on between you from day one, you know?’ Trinity went on, tucking her hands into her pockets. She looked so smug. If Aleah didn’t love her as much as she did, she’d probably slap that smirk off her face. ‘The way he always looked at you? All tortured and angry? It was like he was in a Nicholas Sparks movie.’ 

Aleah started laughing at the exact same time the kicking resumed. Bean was wreaking havoc against her bladder, like the little asshole they were. 

‘That’s a new one.’ She snorted, moving to wash her hands.

‘I can’t believe I didn’t guess you were pregnant.’ Trinity barreled on, taking steps closer. Bean kicked like crazy. ‘You were always running off to the bathroom. You stopped with the matcha lattes. Oh my god, you gave up matcha! How did I not realise?!’

Was this kid trying to climb out of her stomach so they could meet Trinity? Fucking hell, Aleah was gonna’ be bruised by the end of the day. ‘Maybe it’s because I’m excellent at deception.’ 

‘Please.’ Trinity scoffed. ‘You think you were any better at subtly? Calling him Doctor Robinavitch all day? Everyone could tell something had gone down. I lost twenty bucks to Perlah and Donny, they both bet you were gonna’ get together by the fourth month of your residency here.’ 

‘It was three.’ Aleah stated, and Trinity tutted. 

‘I know, but I bet five. Robby just did a speed round of answering a bunch of questions. Princess is pissed there wasn’t a wedding, by the way.’ 

Turning to lean against the sink, Aleah finally relented and placed a hand on her stomach. Rubbing the bump in some hopes that the contact would soothe that little shit and their incessant kicking. Alas, they seemed particularly energetic. 

‘I think they like the sound of your voice.’ She said, smiling at Trinity. ‘Hasn’t stopped beating the shit out of my bladder since you barged in.’ 

‘A foetus with good taste.’ Trinity deadpanned, but there was a shift in her. Minute, unsure. Her gaze flickered to the partially concealed bump, now only showing since Aleah had started rubbing it. ‘Can’t believe there’s a whole person in there.’ 

‘Crazy, right?’ Aleah laughed. 

‘I’m happy for you.’ 

That startled her, had Aleah darting her head back to the med student. Santos rarely expressed sincerity - anything remotely vulnerable was hidden behind layers of arrogance, teasing and half-serious barbs.

‘Thanks Trinity, that means a lot.’ 

Aleah’s chest warmed, and it made her all the more aware of the rings hidden beneath her shirt. Hanging from a chain, so as not to lose it at work. The cold, gold bands rested just beneath her clavicle, a reminder of the day she’d stood opposite Robby in a floral sundress. Her sister and father behind her - the latter particularly annoyed that she’d ‘gotten knocked up’ before the end of her residency. Jack and Dana had stood on Robby’s side. 

They’d have a proper wedding later. After the baby came. That’s what they’d both promised each other. Though, Aleah found she didn’t really care if that never happened. She’d gotten more than she ever thought she would with Robby. 

‘Come on,’ Trinity ushered her forward, throwing an arm around her shoulders despite Aleah being taller. ‘You got seven more hours of open staring from the others while they fight for their lives to not ask you invasive questions.’ 

‘Yay.’ Aleah drawled, wrapping an arm around Santos’ waist. ‘Can’t wait.’ 

Robby liked to watch her. When she wasn’t looking. He liked to see her doing inane things; charting, making tea, talking to a colleague or just reading in silence. Something about her acts of mundanity eased the tightness in his chest, massaged the rigid muscles in his shoulders until he melted into something softer. Pliable. Less likely to crack beneath the pressure that mounted him every morning.

He liked to count how many times she tucked a curly strand behind her ear, scratched the underside of her chin when she was thinking. Aleah didn’t know this, and Robby didn’t think he’d ever tell her, but she rubbed her forehead a lot when she was stressed. A thumb would always press into the arch of her brow, flit back and forth and fray the brow hair when she was overwhelmed. 

Like the texture of the hair beneath the pad of her thumb soothed her, calmed her whirlwind thoughts that tended to fall out of order. That was how he always knew if she forgot to take her ADHD meds. She got noticeably antsy - to him, at least - when that happened. 

Left elbow leaning on the nurses station, the other cupping the bottom of her bump, she moved from foot to foot while looking over a chart. 

Robby approached slowly, pressing his hand into the base of her spine - a trait distinctly his, that he knew never startled her - before dipping his head to her shoulder.

‘Everything okay?’ 

‘Did you ask for your sabbatical to begin on the fourth of July weekend?’ She said it suddenly. Abruptly. Like the thought had been stewing in her brain for hours, and had ascended in irritation levels. 

What he said next would determine whether he could hold her in bed that night. 

‘You’re due on the eighth, I’m cutting it close as it is.’ He said quietly, and before he even tried to steer her somewhere more private, Aleah remained rooted to the spot. ‘I’ll be here for the fourth, just not after that.’ 

‘And the fact Frank Langdon returns on the fifth has nothing to do with this?’ 

Shit. He might even be sleeping in the spare room tonight. This was not why he’d come over to her. ‘I just don’t want anything to stress us out before the baby comes. Frank is a stress factor.’ 

‘You can’t avoid him, Robby. He’s your friend and he was an addict.’ She huffed, rubbing at that eyebrow. He watched her carefully, worry ebbing into the anxiety in his chest. He hated talking about Frank, but he hated upsetting his wife more. ‘I know it’s gonna take some time to forgive, but it’s a sickness. He deserves to be heard out now that he’s clean.’ 

‘We don’t know that.’ He sniped, instantly regretting it the moment Aleah’s eyes darkened. 

She was terrifying when she was pissed. Scoffing, she looking away from him, shaking her head. 

‘You’re not using me having this baby to avoid having an adult conversation with him. It has to happen.’ 

‘And it will,’ he reassured, leaning closer. Hand leaving the small of her back to press into her nape and pull her close, but he aborted that at the last minute. It wasn’t appropriate for work, even if they were married. ‘I’ll talk to him as soon as I'm back. When we’re settled with the baby.’

‘And what if you get called in for a major incident? What if you have to go in and help and he’s there?’ She challenged, voice shaking. 

When she was like this; unmedicated, stressed, emotions heightened, things could get a little hard for her. Aleah tended to call them meltdowns, but he detested that. It made it sound juvenile, like what she was feeling wasn’t valid. And it was valid. She just had difficulty regulating her emotions because of the way her brain worked, and he tried to make things as easy as possible when that happened. Help mitigate her reactions by making everything she was processing less overwhelming. He was fucking that up right then, though. 

‘What if you’re exhausted ‘cause we have a five week old that’s constantly screaming? And then you have to come in run down, frazzled and stressed to help only to confront a colleague and friend who you feel betrayed by? How do you think that’s gonna go down, Robby?’ 

She winced with every loud beep that echoed in the ED, her fingers tapped the iPad incessantly and increased in velocity every time some yelled. Tears were imminent, he knew it. So instead of fighting it, he conceded. At least, for now. 

‘I’ll talk to him. I promise.’ He reasoned, placing a hand over hers and stilling the tapping. ‘Did you remember to take your meds this morning?’ 

‘What?’ She blanched, jarred by his sudden shift. ‘Why are you asking that?’ 

‘You’re a little more on edge than usual, sweetheart.’ He said softly, thumb caressing the back of her palm. When she pulled it out from under him, he knew he’d gone too far. The caress was too much of a sensory overload. ‘I left your vitamins and Ritalin on the kitchen island. Did you take everything?’ 

He’d left earlier than usual for a meeting with the board, but he’d made sure to leave out everything she needed with him absent. If he didn't ask her to take them, these days, then sometimes Aleah tried to avoid it.

For the first two months, she'd stopped taking Ritalin, scared at the unknown side effects it could have on their baby. Then her symptoms had gotten worse, work had gotten harder and they'd talked to four different doctors before she felt reassured enough to go back on them. He hoped she hadn't gone off them again.

Aleah was about to object, tell him of course I did. It was written into the frown between her brows, and that scrunch of her nose she thought was threatening but he tended to find endearing. Her mouth opened, and then shut. Blinking, Aleah stared off past Robby. Biting her bottom lip hard, he watched realisation dawn on her face.

‘No,’ she said, looking down at her tapping fingers like everything was only just clicking into place. ‘No, I didn’t. I forgot. I forgot.’ 

‘It’s okay, sweetheart.’ He said, testing a hand on her shoulder. 

‘It’s not.’ She shook her head. ‘I woke up late, my back was killing me-’ her voice broke. ‘I was rushing to get out the door and I forgot.’ 

‘It’s lucky we live ten minutes away then, huh?’ Uncaring of optics, Robby pulled her close. Voice low as he rubbed soothing circles into her lower back. Exactly where her back ached the most. At eight months, her bump was getting uncomfortably large. That wasn’t helping things. ‘We’ll get them right now.’ 

‘Bu- the board-’ 

‘I’ll take care of everything,’ he reasoned. ‘Don’t worry about a thing.’ 

He wished he could bottle the way she looked at him.

Nineteen hours. Labour had lasted nineteen hours. Somewhere, between hour ten and eleven, when exhaustion had curled Aleah into a ball, and her throat had been run ragged by her screams, she had reached out for Robby’s hand. 

The epidural had finally taken effect, the lines around her eyes had eased up some. Discolouration settled beneath her eyes, the bags noticeable and sparking that same, panicked worry it always did in Robby. 

He’d hunched close to her bedside, worried she was gonna say something that scared the shit out of him. Last words she thought she needed to get out, or - one they’d argued about one too many times - her request that if it ever came down to it, he’d pick saving the baby over her. That was one he flat out refused to relent to. Visibly angered every time. 

There was zero fucking chance he would ever willingly lose his wife. 

‘What is it?’ He’d pressed, and she’d smiled at him softly. 

So it wasn’t gonna be something that scared the shit out of him. 

‘If it’s a girl, I want Layla, after my mom.’ She whispered, and the first fissure made itself known in his chest. 

‘Of course, sweetheart.’ He’d said, nodding as a burn began beneath his eyelids. ‘Of course.’ 

‘If it’s a boy, I want Adam. After Adamson.’ 

His chest stuttered. His breathing hitched. Every mention of that name always felt like someone was tearing open a barely stitched wound, one that wouldn’t ever heal. A scab torn away before its job had been done. 

This wasn’t that, though. Something about this felt almost … therapeutic. 

They’d discussed names, sure. Gone through books and google searches and tested them out by referring to the bump with those names. Nothing had ever fully felt right, though. Instead, Robby had offered to just hold off. Wait until the baby came. By then, they’d know, he reassured her. They’d look at their baby and just know. He wasn’t sure whether Aleah had ever really believed him, but she’d agreed anyway. 

He didn’t realise she’d been thinking about it still. Even ruled out options to come up with two finalists. He certainly never thought she’d think to use Adamson. He definitely hadn’t. 

There was no use fighting it, Robby just let the tear slip out. Let it fall down his cheek, curve beneath his chin and land on his t-shirt. Aleah only smiled, watching it roll down. 

‘That’s perfect.’ He said, and he’d meant it. 

Layla Maria Robinavitch was born at three thirty in the morning. 

Aleah - sweaty, panting and sobbing - joked the next one could be called Adam. 

He waited until morning broke. Cradled his beautiful, tiny little girl in his hands and sobbed quietly as Aleah slept. She was gonna have her moms hair, he could tell. What little whisps there were was the same dark brown shade - almost black - like Aleah’s. He hoped Layla had her smile, too. 

As his chest splintered, it also pieced back together. He was about to experience heights of fear - and love - that Dana had only ever warned him about. Everything was going to change, and for the first time in his life, Robby felt like he was exactly where he was supposed to be. 

That everything had panned out the way he had hoped it would. 

When seven came around, he placed Layla in the hospital bassinet, called a nurse in to keep an eye on the two pieces of his heart, and headed downstairs. 

Robby had been in these clothes for almost twenty four hours. No sleep, no showers, he’d barely even sat down. But there was something he was desperate to do. 

The ED was as it always was; loud, buzzing with activity, an organised - almost soothing - pandemonium that could become white noise to someone who had spent long enough in it. 

Jesse spotted him first, followed by Matteo, and it was like a domino effect. Soft gasps, mutterings and a flurry of questions as he walked toward the nurses station. He raised a hand. A short wave as more staff gravitated toward him. Dana stood fast, reaching for him and placing a hand on his shoulder. 

It was funny that he had to make this speech like it was the town square. But these people were family, as intrinsically linked to him as he to them. 

‘We have a girl.’ He said loudly, rubbing the back of his neck. The elated cheers were instantaneous. ‘Seven and a half pounds. Beautiful and loud. Put her mom through nineteen hours of hell. Both of them are doing good, Aleah’s getting some much needed sleep. Just wanted to update you all myself.’ 

He kept the name to himself, didn't feel right dropping that just yet. Not until Aleah was awake and sure of it. The hugs were swift, one after the other and without enough time for him to properly thank everyone. 

Dana was last, her smile watery but brimming with affection. ‘I’m proud of you,’ she whispered, pulling him close. ‘You deserve this.’

Robby had held on a little longer with her. 

When he’d gotten back to the room, Layla was still sound asleep. Her tiny hands curled into fists, breathing so quiet he couldn’t help but bend down and listen for her inhales. His shoulders  dropped as soon as the soft breaths met his ear. Promised him there was nothing to worry about. 

He had a feeling he’d be doing that a lot. 

When he turned back to Aleah she was stirring. Like discomfort had followed her into her dreams. Robby had every intention of using the tiny pull out couch, collapsing in the stiff hospital bed sheets, and crashing out for a couple of hours. 

Until Aleah’s eyes opened a fraction, words slurred and soaked in a lot of those sedatives still, apparently. ‘Come here.’ 

He wasn’t in the business of denying his wife anything. Especially after just risking her life to deliver their baby. So he slipped onto the side of the bed, let her shuffle to the other side - helping her when she struggled - and eventually curled himself around her. Kicking off his sneakers, he let Aleah tangle her legs into his. The sound of her own steady breathing lulling him to sleep. 

Before he let himself succumb, he pulled Aleah a little closer. Pressed a kiss into her hair, and whispered ‘thank you.’ 

This was where he was supposed to be. Always.