Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The Mafia is not really a place where you can find love and hope to keep it close to you. It's a place filled with death and carnage, loneliness and suffering, and it took some time for Chuuya to start looking at this place like his home.

It was hard for him to accept his new reality, especially when it was shoved down his throat without an actual say in that matter.

But after all that the Port Mafia had done for him in the past few months, and all the people he had lost, Chuuya stopped seeing it as something he owed to someone and started seeing it as a family that he had gained.

Some days were easier than the others, when he could just laugh with his subordinates and coworkers in a dingy bar where no one would question his identity, but some days he had to bury the very same people among so many others that he had lost, and despite what one would expect after spending one year of doing this exact same thing, he had never gotten numb to it.

His heart still ached and rage still swirled around in his gut, but he had gotten better at accepting it.

That was where Dazai Osamu factored in all this mess.

Out of all the people that Chuuya had to lose these past two years, Dazai had been there like an anchor. He was annoying and Chuuya hated him, but Chuuya could also trust the fact that he would be around forever.

After all, even though Dazai constantly seemed to chase after death, it seemed to hate him quite a lot. And the constant missions they had to take together under Mori's command—however unwillingly—usually led to them spending more and more time together, so much so that Chuuya would see Dazai more than he wouldn't.

And one day after one of the hundred missions, a rather unfortunate incident happened.

It was unusual for either Dazai or Chuuya to get drunk, but they had been in each other's vicinity for almost two weeks straight, so as soon as the mission ended Chuuya found himself at the nearest bar to drink off his irritation.

For some reason, Dazai had followed him saying he needed a drink as well.

However, there was this one thing about Chuuya that not a lot of people knew. He was a lightweight. He'd get drunk very easily and usually had no control of his brain after that. This was one of the few reasons why he abstained from drinking often.

That day, he forgot about that little fact in the midst of the constant bickering he shared with the bandaged bastard beside him. That was the first time he and Dazai had gone drinking together as well so there was no way for Dazai to know that Chuuya would be a lightweight.

Four glasses of expensive wine later Chuuya was slumped on the table mumbling something about how Dazai looked like a character from a horror movie.

Dazai had downed a full bottle of whiskey himself—and even though his alcohol tolerance was surprisingly very high—his brain was a bit fuzzy too but much to Chuuya's astonishment, instead of leaving Chuuya in the bar like he generally would, Dazai dragged him out of the chair and out the door.

With how much Chuuya was stumbling and crashing into walls, Dazai decided that it would be better to carry him on his back.

But he had forgotten that he himself was in no better condition, and to carry someone while he was barely walking straight? It could only end in one way....

To no one's surprise, a minute later both of them were falling on a random sidewalk in Yokohama, groaning in pain.

Chuuya sat up and moved towards Dazai to punch some sense into him but as soon as he saw his face he stopped.

Dazai was breathing calmly with his eyes closed, his chest moving subtly. He looked like he was asleep.

The moonlight made his pale face glow and casted shadows of the eyelashes of his unbandaged eye on his cheek. Chuuya was pretty sure he had never had such a clear look to Dazai's face. Usually when Chuuya was looking at him, it was through eyes filled with annoyance. That wasn't the case right now though.

He could probably reach out and trace the sharp angle of his nose, could probably run his fingers through that fluffy mop of brown hair and he could probably cup his hands on the well defined but still somehow full cheeks because Dazai hadn't lost the baby fat on his face yet.

Unknowingly, Chuuya had leaned close enough for their noses to brush together, and before any other thought could pass through his head, his eyes closed and his lips were pressed on Dazai's.

The kiss was short. It ended abruptly when he felt Dazai intake a sharp breath of air and realised what he had done.

His head jerked back to move away, catching a look on Dazai's eyes that he could swear he had never seen. He couldn't move back far enough though, for it took just one more second for Dazai to fist his hand in Chuuya's locks and pull him back into the kiss.

It took a few short moments for Chuuya to recover from the shock but soon he was kissing Dazai back.

He had no idea how long they lay on the pavement with their lips pressed to each other's but Chuuya was pretty sure he had passed out somewhat in the middle of it.

When Chuuya woke up, he found that he had been laying on the ground floor the corridor of the Port Mafia headquarters. His entire body was aching.

Apparently Dazai had just dumped him on the floor and left him because he was an asshole.

Later that day, Chuuya would blame the kiss on his alcohol induced brain and kick Dazai for not stopping him. But he knew that the fall had somewhat cleared his mind and he had kissed Dazai knowing exactly what he was doing.

Heck, before this incident he hadn't even known that Dazai was interested in guys. What with him flirting with women all the time.

It didn't change things a lot though. At first they pretended that no such thing had happened. They didn't even talk about it, and no one else has seen it happen either so it's not like that felt compelled to hide it.

Chuuya had even come to the conclusion that it would never happen again, and he pushed away the slightest score of disappointment that came with the thought.

But then after one such mission it happened again, when Chuuya ended up getting pushed to the wall by Dazai, and it happened again when Dazai dragged Chuuya's face up to catch his lips once more, and it kept happening more and more.

The kisses were all initiated by Dazai—except for the very first one—but there hadn't been a single time when Chuuya had pushed him away or told him to stop.

He wanted to kiss Dazai. It felt good to kiss him, it gave him a sense of belonging of sorts.

But he couldn't bring himself to pull Dazai into kisses for the fear that he would be the one to get pushed away.

He knew Dazai like the back of his hand and trusted him with his life often on battlefields. But he couldn't afford to be vulnerable in that boy's presence. Handing Dazai his heart would be too much, and it would be a waste anyways, because it's not like Dazai would reciprocate.

After all that they were just filling each other's emptiness with emotionless kisses. This has nothing to do with feelings, and he would be a damned idiot if he thought it did.

Even then, after deciding all of that, Chuuya couldn't help but notice how soft sighs left him as soon as Dazai's lips touched his, and how he started to feel more at home standing beside him.

He could only pray to a nonexistent God that his heart wouldn't get involved with the bastard in his arms.

Mori had sent them on another mission, quite a measly one as well. He could probably do it alone but they needed Dazai to immediately check on some papers and formulate a plan.

They were waiting outside the warehouse, for the right time to break in when Chuuya noticed that his shoes had come untied.

I really should stop wearing converse. Maybe I'll buy a pair of combat boots next.

"Chuuya, will you marry me?" A soft voice murmured from above him.

He didn't look up, still busy tying his shoelace he offered Dazai a flippant "No."

Dazai had a habit of saying weird shit out of nowhere. It started with his dumb bet of "Be my dog" or whatever and escalated into things like "Chuuya is my maid", "Chuuya should be my boyfriend" and now this. So there was no way Chuuya would take this seriously. Dazai was just being his usual weird self.

Except, when Chuuya finally looked up, done with his laces, Dazai didn't look like he was joking at all. On the contrary, he looked pretty serious. Determined even.

For a moment Chuuya paused, wondering if Dazai had really meant it or maybe he had caught a fever making him delirious and blabbering stupid things, or maybe it was just Chuuya who had hit his head without noticing and was now having hallucinations.

"Why not?" He asked tilting his head. Dazai had this habit of tilting his head when he was trying to figure something out. It was pretty cute sometimes, as long as he wasn't being an ass.

"Why not?!" Chuuya sputtered. "What do you mean why not?! We can't get married. Why would you even want to marry me?!"

Dazai looked up to the sky for a moment and then straight into Chuuya's eyes, but he didn't say anything.

"Yeah that's what I thought." Chuuya shoved past him, "Keep your weird jokes to yourself asshole."

Chuuya's heart was racing. He was pretty damn sure that wasn't meant to be a joke. Or was it? Fuck he couldn't think at all.

He had brushed it off pretty nicely but what the fuck was wrong with Dazai's brain, springing that up on him like that.

Chuuya was distracted the entire time they were on the mission. He was slow at fighting off their enemies, almost got his hand twisted and almost didn't notice the bomb that had been planted.

Heck he even accidentally let a bullet whizz past him towards Dazai who was barely able to dodge it.

And all of this made Chuuya angry. Angry at Dazai and most of all angry at himself. He was glad he had something to take his anger out on at the moment or he might just beat Dazai's ass.

After they were done with the mission, taking away the papers they had come for, they burnt them after Dazai had gone through them successfully memorizing every vital information that would come into use.

"Well chibi, good job except for when you almost got the both of us killed." Dazai sighed pressing a hand on his chest like the drama queen he was, "I know I would like to die but I would rather get killed by the likes of you than at the hands of an incompetent fool."

If it was any other day, Chuuya would have just rolled his eyes, made up some quick insults and left. His job here was done after all.

But right now, Chuuya was trying to look at Dazai, to see if he would go back to that conversation, but Dazai was behaving like he usually did, messing with Chuuya, calling him insults. It was like that conversation never happened at all.

Chuuya himself might believe that it had been a fever dream except Chuuya didn't dream and he was pretty sure that even if he could, there was no way he would be able to visualise that amount of seriousness in Dazai's usually empty eyes.

A few moments later he did leave—much to Dazai's despair. His mind was already too messed up to deal with Dazai now and he needed a nice bath to clear his thoughts.

That night after his peaceful bath when Chuuya was lying in his bed, he finally started thinking about this thoroughly.

If Dazai had asked him if he wanted to get married was Dazai actually serious about it... or was he trying to tell Chuuya that he's not just toying with him.

Because there was no way in hell they could get married and Dazai wasn't stupid. They were in the mafia. People in the Mafia don't just get up and get married on a whim one day.

Heck he wasn't sure if people in the Mafia even got married in the first place. Mori wasn't married, Ane-san wasn't married and Hirotsu-san was almost definitely not married. Maybe he had heard some of the lower grunts talk about their partners but Chuuya wasn't planning to be a lower grunt at all.

On top of all that, Chuuya wasn't sure if he even had feelings for Dazai at all.

Well maybe he liked the way the sunlight bounced off of Dazai's iris and highlighted the gold in his eyes and maybe every time Dazai laughed showing off his dimple which was almost unnoticeable, his heart ached a bit and maybe he liked carding his hands through Dazai's hair when they kissed and—

Shit.

Fuck, do I like Dazai?

No way.

No way... Right?

He couldn't like Dazai. He hated him. He was pretty sure he still wanted to kick the shit out of Dazai everytime he said something about Chuuya's hat or height, which was pretty much all the time.

Was he starting to like Dazai? Had he gone soft for that boy?

Ugh this is why Chuuya didn't want to kiss the fucking Mackerel. Now his head and heart were all messed up and he knew it wouldn't end well because it was Dazai.

He couldn't let himself into this mess voluntarily. But.... if Dazai did have feelings for him, Chuuya could probably bend the rules he set up for himself just a little bit.

He could try to kiss Dazai the next time, and hopefully he wouldn't get pushed away.

Chapter Text

There was nothing in the world that could have prepared for the turn Chuuya's life took in the next few months.

When Chuuya said he had found a sense of belonging in the Mafia, he hadn't thought that his people could get ripped away from him again.

Chuuya had sworn to himself that he would protect his friends this time, because after what happened with the Flags, he was pretty sure he didn't want to go through that once more.

But he had failed. Again.

He had been proven to be worthless. Again.

The people he would laugh and drink with were no longer here and it was all Chuuya's fault. Again.

Killing Shibusawa had felt good in that moment but that would never bring his friends back. It made Chuuya want to throw up and cry and rip his hair out.

But instead of doing that, he threw himself into work harder than ever. He was handling the entirety of the Jewel trades in the Mafia right now, and they desperately needed the money.

The Mafia had been one of the only organisations to survive the Dragon Head Conflict but that didn't mean that it had come out unscathed. A large number of lives had been lost, an executive had been killed and the Port Mafia's financial health was worse than ever.

Still, there had been a steady inflow of new employees that were joining the Port Mafia after their own small organisations collapsed.

None of these changes that the Mafia went through could compare to the fact that a prodigy had shot up the ranks.

Dazai Osamu had become an executive overnight, and he was by far the youngest executive the Port Mafia had ever seen.

If Chuuya said he wasn't angry that Dazai became an executive before him, he would be lying. But at the end of the day, the reason Chuuya wanted to be an executive in the first place was to gain access to the papers that they had retrieved from Rimbaud-san's home, and Mori had already let him have a look at them. So he wasn't in quite as much of a hurry as before.

Did it still sting though? Yes.

One of the many downside was that Chuuya and Dazai would rarely be partnered up anymore. Not that Chuuya was sad over it because that would be crazy right? He didn't want to work with that asshole anyway.

But another thing was that Dazai had started to break into his apartment anytime he wanted. At this point Chuuya could even say that Dazai lived here, and he didn't know how he felt about that.

They were both still too busy so he would come home to find Dazai lying on his floor about twice a week, and thrice if he was unlucky.

They didn't do much except eat and make out for a while and fall asleep halfway through, and nine out of ten times when Chuuya woke up, Dazai would be gone.

On the worse days he'd find Dazai lying on his own bathroom floor either bleeding or passed out. They didn't talk about it later but Chuuya always ended up cleaning Dazai's mess, and surprisingly it never annoyed him.

He did wonder sometimes though, and when he asked Dazai about it he'd get an empty stare and a few moments later Dazai would leave and stay out of his sight for more than a week.

So Chuuya learned not to mention it. Not because he wanted Dazai to come back to him, but because Dazai let him help and that was already a huge thing in itself. Also because of the fact that Chuuya was highly suspicious that the only sleep and food Dazai got was when he was with him.

One more thing that kept stabbing the back of his thoughts was what Dazai had said before that one mission, and how he had never mentioned it again.

Things with them finally started speeding up after Dazai's 17th birthday. They hadn't spent Chuuya's birthday doing anything. Dazai had just sent him a Chihuahua plush that was almost as big as his head and a carton filled with dog food which Chuuya had force fed Dazai later that day.

However on Dazai's birthday Mori had given Dazai a day off for the first time ever, and coincidentally Chuuya was free that day too.

Chuuya wouldn't have even known that it was Dazai's birthday if Hirotsu-san hadn't mentioned it in the passing. So he decided to prepare a little something for Dazai.

He had bought an Xbox and installed it with brand new games that he was sure that Dazai had never played before and he had made crab which the asshole loved for some reason.

Anytime now, he would hear a click on the door instead of a knock because the bandaged bastard thought knocking was annoying and breaking into someone's apartment was completely fine—Chuuya had given up after four lock changes, at this point he didn't care.

Chuuya was so engrossed in trying to understand the games that he didn't notice Dazai suddenly appearing behind him, and like the fucking psychopath he was he jumped straight on top of Chuuya making them both fall down the couch and almost break Chuuya's back.

"The hell is wrong with you?!" Chuuya instinctively shouted shoving Dazai. "Get off of me!"

Dazai ignored him, wrapping his octopus arms around Chuuya making it impossible to detangle himself from his hold, "But Chuuyaaaa~ I missed you."

"And I didn't so get away from me—" But Dazai just proceeded to wrap himself all around Chuuya successfully suffocating him. "—Will you... fucking... move! Ugh!"

Dazai then looked up at him from where he had tucked his head under Chuuya's neck, "If you want me to move so badly, give me a kiss." Dazai said, puckering his lips.

For some reason, whenever Dazai said stuff like this Chuuya would start blushing, so before Dazai could make fun of him for that like he always did, Chuuya kicked him in the shin making Dazai roll over and yowl in pain screaming, "Chuuya's so mean! I was so comfortable too!"

Chuuya just mumbled, "Asshole." before getting up and dusting his clothes to hide his blush. "Do you want to eat something?"

He was just asking out of courtesy and because it was Dazai's birthday, but he'd force-feed Dazai like he always did even if he said no.

Dazai looked up at him for a second and suddenly jumped up, "Did you cook?"

Chuuya was surprised by his question because yes Chuuya knows how to cook but he rarely had the time so they usually ate fastfood that Chuuya would order.

"Umm.. yes actually."

Dazai's eyes immediately lit up and Chuuya should have been prepared for the comment but Dazai looked so genuinely happy that his brain stopped for a second.

That split second was enough for Dazai to raise his hand and pet Chuuya saying, "What a good dog, cooking for his master."

Chuuya's leg automatically raised to kick Dazai again but Dazai dodged and ran away towards the bathroom laughing like a madman.

At this point Chuuya wasn't even sure why he dealt with Dazai's bullshit. He humphed stomping away to the kitchen to take out everything he had prepared.

By the time Dazai came back Chuuya had set up their dinner and already started eating.

Dazai pouted dropping onto the chair, "Chuuya couldn't wait for me?"

"No. Now eat up." Chuuya said rolling his eyes.

"So mean." But when Dazai took a look at the food in front of him his face lit up like a Christmas tree, "It's crab!"

Even though Chuuya knew that the smile was probably fake, he couldn't help but be happy to see Dazai dig into his food like he was having his last meal. This was the first time Chuuya had seen Dazai take seconds—he usually even had to force Dazai to complete what was already on his plate.

"Did Chuuya learn to make this for me?" Dazai asked leaning back into the chair after eating literally every bite of food in front of him.

"No, I knew how to cook it, and I just thought you'd like it." Well, that was a lie. Chuuya had learnt how to make this as soon as he had found out that Dazai's birthday was coming. But he wasn't going to tell Dazai that or else he'd be subjected to a lifetime of teasing.

He then stood beside the sink and forced Dazai to wash the dishes because he didn't want this to be awkward or feel like he was doing this for Dazai's birthday, or else they would feel too much like a couple. Which they were not.

"Chuuya shouldn't make me work. I'm the guest." Dazai said drying the last of the plates. "Maybe you should just bow down and do everything for me. That would be so good. But I suspect that Chuuya wouldn't even have to bow down considering the fact that he's already so short."

Chuuya had to keep reminding himself that if he gave Dazai a concussion right now, then Dazai would blame Chuuya for the games he was about to lose.

After making sure that Dazai had done everything properly, he dragged Dazai towards the couch and practically threw him on top of it, while he himself sat down on the ground to set up the Xbox.

Dazai looked at him work quietly till Chuuya handed him a console, and Chuuya was just starting to appreciate how quiet and nice and peaceful everything was when Dazai had to open his trash and say, "You don't actually think you're going to win do you." and when Chuuya turned around, Dazai had this big condescending smirk on his face that made Chuuya narrow his eyes.

"Oh you're on, you asshole."

Two hours later.

Chuuya hadn't won a single game, in fact he had almost broken his console for the second time with how frustrated he had been after losing for the fifth time in a row.

Chuuya lay slumped on the edge of the couch, and he was so close to losing his temper when he noticed that Dazai had stopped laughing. He was probably preparing for a snide remark that would end him getting kicked out and Chuuya's hands were just itching to beat him up anyway.

The console almost dropped from Chuuya's hands when he felt Dazai's breath on the back of his neck.

"What the fuck are you doing, asshole—" Chuuya started as he turned around but he couldn't complete his sentence because Dazai's mouth was on his in a split second.

Neither of them had had the time to close their eyes so Chuuya was staring directly into the Dazai's, his pupils were dilated to the point that the gold wasn't visible at all. His uncovered eye looked soft, a look he had started to see more often but still couldn't get enough of it because Dazai always closed his eyes all too soon. Like right now.

Chuuya tilted his head to make the position they were in as comfortable as possible—which wasn't much to begin with, what with Dazai leaning down from up on the couch and Chuuya rising up on his knees to meet him halfway through.

Their kisses were usually just bouts of quick heated make-outs because they were too tired to do anything else. Chuuya actually preferred those kisses because they didn't make him feel vulnerable and he could just pretend that he was doing this as a form of stress relief rather than something that had his feelings involved in it.

But right now, Dazai's lips were moving along with him so softly that you could ask Chuuya his own name and he'd probably hesitate because his brain just couldn't fucking pay attention to anything else. He barely even noticed that Dazai was trying to drag him up on the couch with him.

Chuuya had just pulled back to get some air to clear his brain, when Dazai started his whining while mouthing the side of his neck. "Get up here."

A quick laugh left his lips, "Why? Your noodle arms can't pick me up?" But he did climb up on the couch and into Dazai's lap very happily.

"Chuuya's heavier than he looks." Dazai's hands grabbed his hips dragging them as close to his body as possible making Chuuya hiss. "He should be lighter since he's so short."

"It's literally the weight of my muscles fuckface." If Chuuya wasn't in such a good mood, he would have probably demonstrated what those muscles could do as well—like shoving Dazai's face in the dirt.

"I noticed." Dazai breathed out, kissing him with more fervour than before while his hands started wandering, palming his abs through his tshirt, and he would never admit that when Dazai's tongue breached his mouth his eyes rolled back a little and a soft moan left his mouth.

It was times like these that reminded Chuuya that he hadn't yet initiated that kiss he wanted to. Somehow, he always fell a step behind or maybe Dazai was always a little more eager than him. But, Chuuya never failed to show his enthusiasm so that Dazai would know that Chuuya isn't uncomfortable, and that he wants this just as much.

Seated on Dazai's lap, pulling his hair and listening to the soft sounds that left Dazai's mouth, Chuuya thinks he was the most comfortable he could be right now.

Because when Dazai asked if he wanted to move to the bedroom, Chuuya nodded faster than he ever had and when they laid down on the bed together, every thought in Chuuya's head just ceased to exist. He felt like he was melting down and floating somewhere in the sky at the same time and there was only one word that he remembered and it was 'Dazai'.

They were both lying on the bed exhausted after Dazai had done the decency of cleaning and dressing the both of them in shorts and t-shirts that he had found in Chuuya's closet—both pieces of clothing looked comically small on Dazai because they belonged to Chuuya, but Chuuya would rather die that tell Dazai he looked cute.

Dazai's bandages had stayed on the entire time but he had come back with fresh bandages when he had returned from the bathroom—he had probably used bandages from the 'bandages stock for Dazai' that Chuuya kept in his apartment.

But there was one thing that had entranced Chuuya badly, sending him straight to heaven. The bandages around Dazai's head had loosened and come apart under Chuuya's fingers.

The single eye that Dazai showed was intimidating enough, but having Dazai look at him with both eyes made him feel like he was stripped bare, even though Dazai had just helped him get dressed.

He was confused as to why Dazai hadn't put on his bandages with the other ones, but was he complaining? Hell no.

He took this as a sign of trust from Dazai and let it go at that. He wouldn't ask questions and make Dazai feel compelled to hide himself.

They both laid down on the bed together, Dazai cuddling Chuuya from behind. Once in a while Dazai would brush the softest whisper of a little kiss on his neck, making Chuuya shudder slightly.

Dazai was quieter than usual which actually meant that Dazai was comfortable because Dazai usually hid himself behind his sharp tongue and big brain.

The atmosphere around them was so soothing that Chuuya was starting to nod off to sleep.

"Chuuya, did you fall asleep?" He heard Dazai murmur.

"Mnh." He grunted.

He had heard Dazai use that voice before, but he couldn't connect the dots, it was so peaceful and his pillow felt so soft and Dazai's arms felt so comfortable.

Dazai pressed another kiss on Chuuya's neck. Chuuya thinks he could get used to those. He'd like to get used to those. "Did you do all of this for my birthday."

Well, that woke Chuuya up a bit. He'd thought they had come to the silent agreement to not mention anything like that but apparently Dazai had other ideas.

"Yea." He mumbled stuffing his face further into his pillow. "Happy Birthday asshole."

Dazai went quiet again and just when Chuuya was starting to think that any embarassing talks were over Dazai opened his mouth again.

"Will you give me a birthday gift if I asked for it right now?"

Now it was starting to inch from being embarassing to being weird because Dazai didn't ask for stuff, he took them.

"What?"

"Marry me?" 

.....What?! Where did that come from?!

Chuuya calmed down his brain and muttered, "No."

Okay so Dazai was definitely going crazy because Chuuya had brushed off his previous incident as a joke at some point but now he had brought it up again after more than a year, and it was making Chuuya frantic.

He didn't want to think about it right now. They rarely had peaceful moments like these and Chuuya wanted to savour them.

Dazai didn't say anything again and fell asleep soon after. Chuuya pretended to sleep for a while before slowly being pulled into sleep as well, listening to Dazai's steady heartbeat.

When he woke up at the crack of dawn with a parched throat, he noticed that Dazai was gone. The clothes he had put on were lying on the ground and his usual attire was missing.

Chuuya didn't go back to sleep. Instead, he stayed up thinking about Dazai.

Chuuya was scared of putting a label on whatever he and Dazai had. He wouldn't say right now that he hated Dazai, at least not as much as before.

But even now he didn't want Dazai to know about his feelings. He himself had just started to admit that he liked Dazai maybe a little more than he should.

Chuuya didn't go back to sleep after that. Instead he cleared his leftover paperwork and went off to work.

He didn't see a glimpse of Dazai for the next two weeks, and Dazai's visits had started to become few are far in between.