Archive of Our Own ^beta

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Hey guys, it's Aly. I'm at it again. So, let me give some necessary background on this past December. I got closer to my best friend, Chris. I met him in October and he's the best. He understands me, he understands how I am sometimes, and we like the same things. I almost got someone in my school in trouble for bullying my friend (I didn't go through with it). I almost ruined Christmas by confiding in my aunt and my dad accused me of not loving my mom. Ok so now for this month, it's been ok. I've been talking to Chris a lot. I also got my second stripe in Jiu-Jitsu which is really good (I need 4 to advance to the next belt). I got in trouble for lying to my mom which was not fun. But that's everything. School is hard as usual. I've gotten used to it though. Anyway, it's about 2 am where I am. I'm going to get some sleep. Good night.

Fin…for now.

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Hey guys, it's been kinda ok this month. So, school has been a hassle as usual. Jiu-Jitsu and powerlifting have been great! The night before the 14th, I got in trouble for not doing my homework. I did my homework the next day and it was ok. I got really depressed for 2 weeks because I felt like I was useless and worthless because my dad called me a horrible daughter. I thought Chris hated me during those 2 weeks when no, he was just worried about my whereabouts. He comforted and reassured me that I was a good person and that I deserved good things. I'm so happy I found him. He is an amazing best friend. I can't wait to see him on my school's field day! Anyway, it's about 12 am, I'm going to bed. Good night.

Fin…for now.

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Hey guys, it's Aly again. I'm sorry this chapter is late. I've been lazy, unmotivated and sad. So this month started off with sadness. Chris didn't come to field day. I felt really sad and like he didn't care. But he made me feel better by calling me more that week! I love him so much (PLATONICALLY!). He's a great best friend. I started talking to my uncle about my feelings. He's a really good listener. I told him about the things that happen and he gives me advice, listens and gives me hugs. I love my uncle so much. Spring break was really good and I was finally able to get some much needed sleep and not feel like a piece of trash. I went roller skating with my friend which made me happy. Then, I went back to school and felt like I was losing it. I hate school so much. All it does is just make me sad and feel like everyone would be better off if I wasn't here. I went on vacation to house sit for my mom's cousin which was nice. What's not great is that now my dad thinks I pretend to not see things and hates it when I ask questions and hates when I talk so his new form of making me feel like everyone would be happier if I didn't exist is saying that I need to grow up, stop doing kid stuff (taking too much and asking too many questions) and that talking so much doesn't look good on me anymore. The only reason I talk is because I have to. I would prefer if I couldn't speak but I can't because I have to be a certain way for everyone. I just have to fake a smile and say “I apologize, I can't do anything right.”. I feel like I'm just a void who can talk. My “thoughts” have been getting worse but the good thing is that I haven't acted on them. I hardly want to talk to anyone anymore because I feel like I'll make them tired and upset because I talk a lot. I'm constantly tired and just get mad when I continue waking up in the morning and life just feels overwhelming. On the bright side, I've almost finished bfb (season 4 of battle for dream island) and I love the show! Inanimate Insanity is remastering the first season and I'm really excited about it. I also really like this song called hymn to the decadent life by ro2noki. It's about depression and having anxiety. I relate to it an unhealthy amount. It describes how the speaker feels when talking to people and I feel the exact same way. I just want to be good and likeable for people. All I do now is self loathe everything I do just the tiniest bit wrong. Everytime I show emotion in front of someone by accident, they just stare and it feels like no one cares. I apologize for everything even slightly wrong and it's never enough. I guess I deserve the way people treat me. I pray that whenever I do something wrong, the person doesn't look at me so that I don't have to see their disapproving face. I'm just a social outcast who has no place in this world. I don't even know why I think about all these things when it's my fault they even happen anyways. I waste air, I know regretting doesn't do anything for me but I do care about the effect I have on people. Anyways, let me stop rambling, it's 8:30 pm where I'm at and my mom is calling me for food. Good night guys!

Fin…for now.

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Hey guys, it's Aly once again. This month has been a rollercoaster. So, this month started off ok. The first two weeks were a blur of stress for my first jiu jitsu fight, my final exams, and just trying to not want to end it all. I almost couldn't talk to my uncle (practically my therapist) for a little while but he insisted it was ok so for two seconds I wasn't going crazy. Then, after almost three months of happiness from my parents but I could see the cracks (honestly, I didn't expect even ten days of actual happiness), my parents got in an argument about me seeing my estranged grandmother again. I said I wanted to see her but I wanted my mom to be with me. My grandma doesn't want to see her though. So this put me in an even worse place mentally than I already was in. After this argument, I felt like I was responsible when it was my parents and my mom who brought me into the conversation in the first place. I have to be responsible for myself because clearly everyone is too busy arguing with each other to remember the person they are arguing about is being hurt. So, that was crazy. We also got two weeks off for testing. Then, on the 15th, the new bfdi episode came out. I really liked the episode a lot. It had a lot to do with nostalgia and the past which I really liked. I still don't like Pencil because I think she's rude but I do feel bad for her to some extent. I'm so proud of Book for finally standing up to Pencil and not being a pushover. Poor Two, I feel horrible for them. They did not deserve to have their best friend (girlfriend. Fight me) Gaty taken away from them. One, I will have a bounty on your head if you do not give them their girlfriend back. Also, Bottle being host is something I did not expect yet loved nonetheless. Donut getting his limbs was awesome, good for him. Donut rejecting One’s deal was such a powerful move. And then One getting upset and kicking Donut out makes you think about how insufferable they are. I love One as a villain. They're so interesting.Then, on the 16th, it was my first exam. The lit/comp exam. I think I did good. During the exam, I almost started crying because the essay prompt was asking how the grandma of the author influenced the story. I had to step out of the room and stop myself from crying and my math teacher saw me and asked me if I was ok and I told her that I was fine but I think my mask is finally breaking. Then, I cried over stress. The stupidest thing, I know. On the 23rd, I had my last exam, the math exam. I don't think I did well on this one at all. I think I did horribly. My uncle was there to comfort me after I vented to him about it which made me feel better. I had a lot of assignments due during this week that were a big part of my grade. I hope I did good. Then, on the 26th, I had my first jiu jitsu fight and I lost. The girl was a bit stronger and I was gassed. Regardless, I had to hold it together on the mat but after I got off, I sobbed. Not because I lost, but because I felt like I lost control of myself. My uncle was once again there to hug me and reassure me that I did good. I still think I sucked. Then my mom yelled at me in the bathroom for crying when before the fight she told me not to. She kept comparing me to the younger kids when I was only in the 4th fight. They hadn't gone yet, of course they were ok. Then, my aunt and grandpa took me out to eat which was nice. I felt like I let everyone down. On the 27th, my grandma sent me a present for Easter that she wanted to give me in person but she doesn't want to see my mom, and therefore doesn't want to see me. I cried when I received the gifts. I miss her so much. I just want her to come back. If you're reading this Grandma, know that I love you and would love to see you. I love you. Then, on the 28th, it was my ex-crush/friend's birthday and I got a bit depressed about it because I miss her like crazy yet also never want to talk to her ever again. My parents also found out about my self harm ideation and forced me to talk to them about it and I had to lie about it. My dad still doesn't really understand but at least he didn't yell at me which I'm grateful for. My mom is actually trying to understand so that's a plus. My uncle has been amazing this month and has helped me when I felt like I wanted to disappear. He's the best. He's so kind and actually understands. I love him so much. The 29th through the 30th, we finally got our stuff out of our storage unit we had since 2023. Seeing all my old stuff made me cry a little and gave me so much nostalgia. It was really nice seeing all my stuff. Some extra stuff that happened this month: I started playing this game called Cookie Run Kingdom and I really like it. It's really fun and I love the characters. We also might be getting Hazbin Hotel season 2 this summer which is really exciting. I can't wait to see what happens. The Inanimate Insanity x bfdi tour is also happening this summer and they're coming to Texas first! I'm so excited! I also really like this song called Mesmerizer by satsuki. It's really good and sounds all over the place but in a really good way. Anyways. It's 1:00 am where I am and I have to finish homework. Good night and see you next month.

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Hey guys, it's Aly once again. It was a trip this month. First, I got to do something that I've always wanted to do since I was little, fly. I went to this indoor skydiving place and I got to fly twice and I went all the way to the top both times! I was a bit nervous but I was too excited to focus on it. This trip was through my school to celebrate us getting through exams. Overall, it was really fun! Speaking of exams, I don't know how I did but I have a rough idea, on my lit comp exam, I think I did good. As for my math exam, I don't think I did well at all. But, I decided that whatever my grades are, I'm not going to kill myself mentally and emotionally over them. This summer will be good. I made it through seventh grade when I thought I would die. I'm happy I'm still here. About my jiu jitsu fight, I know why I lost and I'm realizing that I could've won but didn't. I let the nervousness consume me. But I know why, this was my mind telling me that it was done holding it in. I'm still so mad at myself for losing and breaking under the pressure but I know it's not the end of the world. This is something I haven't talked about before, my powerlifting gym held a powerlifting meet and my dad and Uncle Jason participated. I will talk about it more in detail in a few minutes. The reason why I'm mentioning it is because I couldn't talk to my uncle for like 3 weeks after my fight because my dad said that he needed to prepare and focus. I didn't want to be the reason he couldn't lift the weight so I kept my mouth shut. I was drowning in my own feelings. From the outcome of my fight, my grades, and feeling like I didn't deserve anything. On top of that, I had map testing which I did well on. I'm so happy with myself for that. Later that week, I had a fine arts night exhibition my school held which I went to. One of my art pieces was shown and I was happy. The music performances were not great but some of the harp performances were great! Earlier that week, my best friend Chris told me he was coming from Willis to San Antonio for our school's end of year party. I was so excited as this would be the first time I've ever met him in person. My friend Kate would also be attending. I got dressed in my cutest but gym appropriate outfit (as I had the gym afterwards), made cards for my two friends and went to the party. I had an unforgettable time with my friends and did so many crazy things. I climbed a tree and refused to get down, I led my two friends in the woods and back and a whole group of people watched as I and my friends walked back, then I danced in the woods with my friend Finn to Guilty Pleasure by Chappell Roan, then I drank so much snow cone syrup that I almost puked, then I said goodbye to Chris as he departed back to his car. The coming week was a bit treacherous as I prepared for my end of year history test, my endless amount of Latin tests, and just trying to make it to the meet so I could talk to my uncle again. On the 11th, me and Chris made an end of school song that I forced our homeroom teacher to sing each line during class. It was really funny. The meet went really well. My dad couldn't lift the weight only twice and that was ok. He has back issues so he knew he wouldn't make it every time. My uncle failed twice as well. My dad won a medal for third in his division. I'm so happy for him. I had my final Latin exams on the 21st which was a bit scary but I made it through and got a good grade. I had my history test the same day and also did well even though I was crapping myself the whole time. I made a last day of school playlist that I'm listening to as I write this. I also listened to it on the 23rd, my last day of school. I went to karaoke club at the library, got boba tea, and had fun that day. And I got to do it with my uncle which was great! I saw Chris the next day for his jiu jitsu tournament which Kate also attended. She made him a poster which I held up while she recorded while he fought. He lost, but he won in my book. We went swimming afterwards and had a lot of fun. We also made a group chat. I feel like I'm really getting somewhere with them. We also started watching this anime called Horimiya. It's really good and it's really cute. Kate and Chris are amazing friends. My parents are having problems again after I forgot to tell my dad I wanted to visit my grandfather on the weekend and my mom got mad at him and kind of at me and stormed off. I haven't asked questions because I'm just tired. I don't want to know but I'm bracing myself for a divorce. I feel as though this is the last straw. I'm making a seven present gift for Chris's birthday on June 11th. I want him to know he means a lot to me, this is part of his gift. For Chris, you mean the world to me. Thank you so much for helping me not want to die after what stress I went through with school and everything else. Thank you for helping me find me again. I cherish you everyday. Happy birthday bestie. You only do this once. I also got into this song called Language of the Lost by Riproducer. It's really good and I relate to it a lot. BFDIA 19 and 20 came out this month and we're both really good. The coinpin divorce is crazy. I also got sick and have been since the end of year party. Anyways, that's all I have for you guys this month. It's 1:00 pm where I am and I have to give my phone back. Bye guys, see you next month.

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Hey guys, it's Aly once again. This month was a rollercoaster. A lot of really great things happened this month but so did a lot of bad things. First off, I got my gray-white belt in Jiu-Jitsu that I've been working towards for almost six months. You need four stripes to be eligible for a belt. I got my first stripe last year and earned my second, third, and fourth stripes within five months this year. I'm really proud of myself as this was my goal and I'm so happy to have achieved it. My friends were really happy for me and I felt so appreciated. Remember last month when I said that my dad got mad at me for telling him that I wanted to stay with my grandpa on such short notice? The weekend that I got my belt, I went to stay with him at his house for three days. I went to two malls, got my nails done, got a heatless curl kit, and I went to a really good steak restaurant! It was a really fun trip and I really enjoyed it. I forgot to mention and before I got my belt, the seven present gift I was making for Chris, I mailed to him. Speaking of which, on the 11th was Chris’s birthday. Me and Kate called him on Google meet and we watched him open his presents. He opened Kate's first because I told him mine would take a long time to open. He really liked Kate's and he was happy. He opened mine next and was surprised at how many gifts were in the package. For context, I got him a party hat, card, picture of us, his favorite gummy bears, the poster me and Kate held up during his jiu jitsu fight, a friendship bracelet, and a message in the May chapter. He loved my present and thought it was nice. I was really happy he liked it. The next day was my ex best friend Charlotte's birthday. You may remember her from 16 Days. I miss her a lot and spent the day thinking about her, listening to our old favorite songs, and I even saw a different car that was the same model her mom had. I hope we talk again some day. This whole month thus far, my parents hadn’t been speaking. My mom was mad at him for some unknown reason and my dad thought she should apologize for some unknown thing. He told me that he was going to move out of our apartment and take me with him if she didn't talk to him in the next week. I was a mess. I really didn't want to go with him to his home country. I had a life here. I told you in the last chapter that I was bracing for divorce but I didn't think it would go this far. Father's Day was not great. I had a really good time with my grandpa, aunt, and mom going to this really nice steakhouse and eating really good food but I missed my dad. He has a complicated history with my mom's family as I've discussed before. I gave him a card before he left for church and that was that. I didn't really like my dad that much during this time period and felt like he didn't care because he still yelled at me. The words I wrote in the card felt like a lie. He wasn't the best dad ever, but he wasn't the worst either. Anyways, I had a dentist appointment on the 17th which I was scared poop less for because I don't like them picking and prodding in my mouth. It went ok but I found out from my mom afterwards that I didn't do well on the math staar test for school. I felt really bad and like I didn't deserve anything. I really thought I was doing good at this whole ‘hiding my emotions’ thing. I felt like crap. My mom comforted me and told me that we would work on it and not to worry. I listened to her and didn't worry about it. That Friday came, the day he said he would move out, it didn't happen because his friend was busy. I learned that day that my dad lied to everyone and said that he and my mom had an open marriage when they never did. I learned this from Uncle Jason. This crushed me. Before I move on, I forgot to mention that earlier this month, my dad and I got a new powerlifting trainer named Sam. He's really cool and really understanding. I told him the important parts of what my dad said to me so that in case it did happen, he could call my mom. I did the same with my uncle. I think there's this boy at my jiu jitsu class who likes me but he has a girlfriend and he's been kind of a jerk to me before. His name is Jaden. He pushed me once and told me to shut up once. He's started being really nice to me for no reason. His dad, who is one of the coaches, either told him to be nice to me or he's doing it on his own accord. Regardless, I talk to him when he talks to me and that's it. I think he's cute but nothing else. I am not anyone's side chick. I will not be part of breaking someone's heart. I got three of my Jiu-Jitsu friends' numbers and I'm super happy about it. Me and my friend Esme got each other's numbers and she helped me reach a consensus on the Jaden situation. The new TADC episode came out on the 20th and it was my favorite episode of the whole season so far. It's really good and I love seeing the dynamic between Jax and Pomni. Also, the new TPOT episode came out on the 21st and it was also really good. I love seeing Lollipop giving business advice to Flower and Gelatin. It was a good episode. Earlier on the 21st, I went to stay with my grandpa again to attend a party in the evening with my aunt, mom and grandpa. I watched the TPOT episode while waiting for my aunt to pick me and my grandpa up for the party. I got to the party and saw my mom and went up to her and we exchanged pleasantries. She told me she had something to tell me and we went to the bathroom. Apparently, my new trainer and my uncle told my dad that I was struggling with anxiety and that he needed to fix it and he talked to my mom about it and my mom presented me with a decision to determine what she would tell my dad. Instead of a divorce, a trial separation. I agreed to this. We went back to the party and I didn't think about it. I came back that Sunday and we had a conversation about it. It was ok but I was told to really not talk about it and how I don't understand the nuances. My dad still doesn't get how I have anxiety but it's fine. My parents are fine now. As far as I know, we're a happy family again. It feels like it's a never ending cycle of happiness and sadness. Let's just hope this one lasts. My mom and I had a conversation about how I need to stop asking questions about ‘grown up’ stuff and how she already told my dad to stop telling me stuff about their relationship. I told her how I feel that it's my job to keep everyone happy and keep the peace and I can't be happy. She told me that all I have to do is just be me. I think I can do that. For eighth grade, I want things to be different. I want to be outgoing, happy, funny, and just be me and not turn the volume down on myself just because my dad tells me I'm too negative. I think I'll be ok. The II x BFDI tour started on the 27th in Houston, Texas. I sadly wasn't able to go but I'm happy for all those who were able to attend. People are already leaking TPOT 19 and I'm a little angry. I want to be surprised when the episode comes out! Last thing, I promise. I really connected with this song called Magical Cure Love Shot by SAWTOWNE. It's really upbeat but is kinda depressing and I love it. I really relate to it. It makes me think of how I try so hard to make people happy and forget to keep myself happy. Anyways, it's time for me to get ready for the gym. Bye guys! See you next month.

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Hey guys, it's Aly once more! So this month has been great! I think it's been my favorite month so far. I've been really happy with how things have been going lately. It has been a bit sad, but not really. So first, me and Kate hung out at the skating rink on the 3rd which was really fun. We roller skated until our legs were practically numb, got cosmic brownies and slushies, and just had a great time. It was awesome and was a great start to the month! Then, tragedy struck. The Kerrville flood happened on what was supposed to be a day of joyous, patriotic, and fun day of barbequing, talking, and having fun. The flooding started on July 4th at 4:00 am and ended sometime on the 8th. About 100 deaths were recorded and a whole summer camp was nearly destroyed and 27 campers and counselors died. I thankfully wasn't affected too drastically and was just fine though the weather was really dreary on the 4th. We had lunch at my aunt's house and celebrated on the 4th. It was really fun and the food was delicious! On Saturday, it was still raining really hard and it was not great. Our power went out for like 3 minutes and came back on and everything was fine. I was frantically texting all my contacts to stay safe and was really worried as Kate would be leaving for camp the next day. The rain subsided by Monday. Kate’s camp weekend ended up being postponed due to the flooding. I was relieved because she wouldn't be in danger of dying. I was supposed to house sit for my mom's cousin Michelle but she cancelled at the last minute. I was really sad because she has a really nice pool and I wouldn't be able to swim in it. On the 14th, TPOT 19 came out. It was a spectacular episode. It sucks that TV is out. I love his character. One turning the sky black and actually showing herself was definitely unexpected. Poor Grassy, his father figure is gone and he has to fend for himself now. He won the challenge, but at what cost? The way he was just abandoned in the vent at the end made me so sad. I cried during this episode. Pencil is both broken and evil. She is so ruthless and didn't care about sparing people's lives in the challenge. When she gave One all of Two and Four’s power combined, I yelled at my phone and called her an idiot. That scene made me so mad. Liy turning evil was both unexpected and unnecessary. I never liked her because she is a bit of a pick me but what she did to Marker was plain mean. He told you he trusted you! I was pissed. And the way she brutally kills all the failed debuters was so shocking. I hate her even more after this episode. One is horrible and macabre. The way she just erases people from the timeline so easily is kinda scary. I can't believe Gaty is actually gone. I'm going to hunt One down and kill her. I hope X and Two get it together in TPOT 20 and kill her. I hope she's dead by the end of this season and Two and Gaty live happily ever after. One deserves to rot in hell. Poor Two, they seriously think it's their fault. I want to hug them and tell them that it isn't. Oh my God, One will pay for this. The ending was both sad and disturbing. Jacknjelify when I find you- anyways, this episode is probably my favorite episode of tpot so far. Best episode alongside TPOT 15. Anyways, then Inanimate Insanity season 4 also came out on the 14th. It was ok. It is a bit of a weak start but I think the second episode will be better. Welcome to the OSC is a good song and I love the play on the name. It's cool! Pencil’s cameo was also cool. Anyways, I don't have much to say about this episode. It was really ok. I like TPOT 19 a lot more than I like the II S4 premiere. On the 17th, we got BFDIA 21. It was really funny and chill. Pin was hilarious when she roasted Leafy. Tennis Ball being scared of Needle was also really funny. Nickel was so stupid it was funny. The end was kinda sad when Firey called Leafy a stranger. Poor Leafy, she looked so sad. Justice for Leafy! Coiny realizing that he made a mistake was the cutest thing and when they made up, I was so happy. They're so cute!!!! I need them to be canon. I took a break from Jiu-Jitsu from the 14th to the 29th because I was really tired and my dad said that I should take a break. The II x BFDI tour is going really well and people loved seeing the new episodes. Kate got a new girlfriend named Corrina on the 16th. Kate ended up leaving for camp the week after that. I'm really happy for her. That weekend, my family and I had a barbecue which was nice. On the 21st was the 15th anniversary of when One Direction first got together. I spent the morning listening to their music and reminisced. It was fun and sad. Rest in peace Liam Payne, you are deeply missed. The next day was what would have been me and my ex-best friend Charlotte's 5 year friendiversary. I spent the day reading sad fanfic and listening to our old favorite songs. It was sad but I allowed myself to feel it. My friend Esme called me lazy for not coming to class which was funny. I read two smut fanfics in two days and felt rebellious. They were both really enjoyable to read and I loved the writing style. Me, Chris, and Kate called on the phone a lot the previous week and this week. I realized how much closer we've become. They're my best friends. I love them both so much. They both deserve everything good in this world. They helped me find me again. They showed me that I'm worthy of love and respect. They're both amazing. I realized that during January through April, I was suicidal, depressed, and burnt out. I realized this on the 28th. I told my uncle about that and how much happier I felt now and he was happy that I'm happy. This month we got the release date for Hazbin Hotel season 2. October 29th is the date!!! I'm so happy about it. We're also getting a brand new pilot for Helluva Boss. I'm SOOOOO HAPPY!!!!! We're also getting both soundtracks on vinyl!!!! I'm really excited. We also got a Grassy plush right after TPOT 19 which was really ironic. We also got a Pencil plush available at the tour which was kinda cool. I really love this song called My Minority by syudou. It came out back in May of this year. It's about being who you are no matter if anyone likes you or not and how you can still find your own group of misfits. It reminds me of me, Chris, and Kate. We're all weird and strange. It's great. My family and I have a rough draft for my birthday already which is going to my favorite Italian place for dinner. I told Kate and Chris and they started asking me questions about what my favorite vocaloid is and what Taylor Swift album I love and stuff like that. Kate even asked if there was a budget for gifts. I insisted that they didn't need to get me gifts but they insisted back that they would. We also talked about how people look at the word normal and how normal can look different. It was really cool. I love them so much. I made a lot of discoveries about myself this month. I've been so much happier this month. I'm sad that Kate is going to a different school this year but I think our friendship will be fine. My uncle has been great this month and so has my trainer. He's so cool and kinda hot. I went back to Jiu-Jitsu on the 29th and got my first stripe as a grey-white belt!!!!!! I'm so happy about this. Another thing, one of jacknjelify’s YouTube channels got terminated which sucked. Then people were asking weird questions at the tour which also sucked. It was not great. Anyway, I think I'm going to be good. I think I'll be great this school year. Anyways, that's all I got for you this month! Byeeee!!!!! See you next month and happy end of summer and hello new school year!!!!

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Hey guys, it's me, Aly once again. So this month has been both a mix of good and bad like usual so that's not a huge surprise. Like always, I will tell you all of the events that have happened this month. First, on the 1st through the 3rd, I spent my second to last week of summer break with my aunt which was really fun. I went to my favorite fancy restaurant and I got to go to the mall and write a bit which was great! While I was on this trip, the II x BFDI tour ended which was kinda sad because it marked two weeks before school was starting but at the same time, it was a great time and I'm so glad I got to be in these fandoms during this awesome time. Anyways, the next week, on the 4th, Inanimate Insanity season 4 episode 2 came out which was cool. The episode had better humor than the last one and was really enjoyable. It was way better than the first episode. Then on the 8th, BFDIA 22 came out and it was really cool. I love how Leafy actually got voted as host. This was 40 minutes of hilariousness yet also seriousness. I absolutely loved it. I love how Leafy was portrayed as a crazy person with her making the contestants take her places so she can give them flags. The part when the contestants find the infinite flags was both funny yet anxiety inducing when she found them trying to destroy the flags. I actually thought she was going to kill them for a second. Anyways, the ending when Pin sacrifices herself for Woody, Book tries to save Needle like the good friend she is, and when Leafy gets massacred by the drill in the end was really powerful. And the last part when Coiny finds Pin’s corpse in the lava and he tries to reach out for her. I almost cried during that scene, it made me so sad. I voted Book to be safe and Coiny for elimination. The only reason that I voted Coiny is because one, I love all the characters up for elimination, and two, I want him to be with Pin. I'm a sucker for my ships. Then, on the 10th, my two best friends came and spent the day with me. Chris, his brother Michael, and his sister Alexis came to San Antonio originally for a party but also came to see me. Kate was also there which was awesome. We started the day with going to eat breakfast at this place called Magnolio’s pancake house which tasted really good. Then, we were supposed to go to see a movie but we decided on the mall instead. So, off to the mall we went. We went into a Hot Topic where Chris pointed me to a stand of Hatsune Miku shirts which were cool. I bought one thing at the mall which was a birthstone necklace from some jewelry store we went to. Anyways, after about 3 hours, we got tired and we went to my house. They got to be in my room which was cool. We watched South Park together which was cool. The two of them fought for my cat's attention and my attention which was funny. We had pizza and talked which was fun. Then we went to the party that Chris and his siblings were going to because it was an event at the actual indoor amusement park. It was really cool. We roller skated, played mini golf, and played games. I helped Michael cheat at a milk jug game by climbing into the machine and getting the ball in the highest giving number jug. It was really cool. Kate made financial decisions for Chris and made him get a whole box of ring pops with his 1000 tickets and I was really surprised. Kate also made financial decisions for me and caused me to use 500 tickets to buy 96 Jolly Ranchers, best decision ever. Anyways, after we finished, Chris and his siblings had to go. I was sad but I was so grateful for the time I had with my friends. We took Kate back to our house and her dad picked her up from there. Overall, it was amazing. 10/10. 5 stars. I'm so sad it had to end but it was great. And of course, the event we've been waiting for, the first day of school. On the 12th, I started 8th grade. The first day wasn't bad. I kind of enjoyed it actually. I'm taking algebra 1 as a highschool credit which is kinda cool. I'm in the same class as Chris and Corrina which brings me comfort. The sucky thing is that Regina is in my class too. But I'm trying to not think about that. So, if you don't know, I go to an online school, so we use Zoom. So, my algebra teacher has predetermined breakout rooms for us. And guess who's in it, Regina. So I have to deal with her even more. This really sucks. Kate isn't even at our school this year which also sucks but whatever. Anyways, ever since I saw Chris on the 10th, he hasn't spoken to me. I've texted him like 5 times, and he's responded once to tell me he was busy having lunch with his parents and that he would text me later, he never texted me back. It wasn't until I texted his sister that he actually looked at my texts and read them. He still didn't respond but at least he saw them. My dad has been getting on me because according to him, I keep “pretending” that I don't know what he's asking me to do. Sometimes, I legitimately don't know. He also called me selfish because I sat down and didn't move the grocery bags from the door but I did it so that the door could be open for my mom who was still outside. He flipped out and said that I was stupid and that it was a bull crap excuse because I'm lazy and selfish. He later kind of apologized for yelling but still told me that I can't be acting like that because I'm 13 now and I need to be mature. He also told me that I should stop talking so much because I ruin everything with my words. He also tells me that my breath stinks and that he hopes that someone embarrasses me about it. He also tells me that I'm greedy because I assume everything is mine all because I asked my mom if one of the flavored waters was mine because we share everything. I started thinking that it was my fault that Chris didn't want to talk to me. I started thinking that maybe I was too selfish or gross, or insufferable. I love my dad and I appreciate that he wants to help me be a better person but I feel like it makes me worse to be around. I'm debating becoming a ghost in class and give up on making friends so that people don't have to deal with me. Every time I talk to my mom about my feelings about this, she just sighs and tells me that I need to stop being dramatic and not listen to my dad. I try but it's so hard. He's brought down my self worth so much to the point where I felt like I couldn't get out of bed for months. They are having on and off problems which is just great. So now I have to be ready for a random explosion. I hate this. I'm happy that Kate doesn't hate me. She comforted me about Chris not talking to me which helped a lot. Anyways, the next Amazing Digital Circus episode came out on the 15th. It was really good and I really enjoyed it. Jax getting mad at Pomni was uncalled for but I am here for the angst. Kinger talking to Ragatha was so nice and comforting. And Gangle and Zooble’s dynamic is awesome. I loved this episode. Anyways, the 21st through the 23rd, we went to this vacation resort which was really fun. It had a lazy river, waterslides, and a huge pool. It was really fun and I really enjoyed it. I had a great time. Anyways, I won King of the Mat at my jiu jitsu dojo this past Thursday. Basically, you fight about 3 people and if you win, you get a crown or a belt. I got a crown with all these cool jewels on it. It was really cool and I got to have my picture taken. I am really proud of myself. I really like this song called Birdbrain by Jamie Paige. It's about this girl who is really stupid and is trying to understand the nuances of the world but makes a fool of herself while doing so. I relate to it a lot and I really like it. I haven't been able to talk to my uncle all but once this month when I told him how my dad thinks I'm greedy. I told him when I get some time we'll talk which sucks but I'll be fine. I vented to my trainer and he listened, which was nice. Anyways, I miss Chris and wish that I wasn't stupid. I have to get ready for Sunday dinner with my family now so bye guys, see you next month.

Chapter Text

Hi guys, it's Aly. This month has been both great and depressing at the same time. First of all, Chris and I aren't friends anymore. He told me that after the last time we hung out in person, he thought I was needy and clingy. He didn't tell me until the 6th. It took him four weeks to tell me this. I wished he told me sooner because I was left wondering if he was even ok. Maybe he didn't want to hurt my feelings. I don't know, but all I know is that I miss him more than anything. I want him back but I know he doesn't want to talk to me. I just miss him so bad. I really thought that we were doing good. I was texting Kate the whole time me and Chris had this exchange and she was uncomfortable the whole time. I feel terrible for putting her in that situation. I don't think I should have done that at all. I also talked to my mom about it and she basically tried comforting me while also telling me that she told me I was too much. The 7th was my three year anniversary of me writing and I wrote a yuri story about Miku and Teto basically having a romance and then they break up. I was really depressed about him so I wrote to cope, which is what I normally do. It was also my trainer’s birthday on the 5th. I gave him a card which he really liked. I've been venting more to him lately too. He's a really good listener just like Uncle Jason is. I love them both. School has also been getting really stressful again. Not to the point it was last year but it's getting there. I'm trying to save myself this time by talking to my mom, my trainer, and Jason about it but I still feel terrible. My mom keeps telling me that I can come to her with these things but she says I'm exaggerating and that she had it worse when she was my age. I get that she's trying to help but that doesn't help me when I'm spiraling because I can't solve a math problem. My dad tells me that Jason is going through a lot and to not bother him so I haven't been talking to him too much. My trainer also is going through a lot and so I'm trying to keep it in and it's not working. I don't want to almost go insane again. On the 17th it was my cat's 11th birthday. She's getting older and I'm getting scared. I've been with her since I was really little. I don't know what I'll do when she's gone. I love her so much. She's everything to me. I don't know what I would do without her. She's gotten me through so much. At this point, I have been slowly distancing myself from my friends because I want to grieve Chris, focus on my powerlifting meet, focus on jiu jitsu, and focus on school and revisit the topic of friends in December. My parents keep telling me to not do that and just be myself but I've tried that and it hasn't worked in the long term ever. Me and Chris didn't even make it to a year. I made it to a year with Charlotte. Maybe I really am just insufferable. On the 20th the new Inanimate Insanity episode came out. It was really funny and cool. Jack deserves jail time. Poor MeTag, I feel bad for them. I'm also a Tacomic shipper now. Anyways, the episode was awesome and I can't wait for the next one. I got sick on the 18th and it was like this for a week. Life feels exhausting even though I'm not even through the first quarter of 8th grade. This isn't supposed to happen until late second quarter at least. Anyways, I spent two days straight doing homework while sick. It was not fun. One minute I would be finding quotes for my essay, the next I would be coughing up phlegm. I couldn't even go to the gym because I was so sick. I had to do a make-up day on the 21st. I saw my uncle which made me happy. Sam was actually concerned about me and kept asking me if I was ok which I thought was nice. My dad kept telling me that I was fine. My poor mom kept running to the store to get me soup and medicine. Overall, I felt like a nuisance. I got my second stripe as a grey-white on the 23rd. I'm really proud of myself and I really tried. Funny enough, I've gotten almost all my stripes when I'm not feeling well. It's weird. Anyways, I was sad when I realized that I couldn't text Chris and tell him. This whole month, I've been feeling something happy and in my head I'm like ‘I can't wait to tell Chris this!’ and I have to remind myself that we're not friends anymore and I get sad again. I hate that I'm feeling like this. I don't like feeling like this. Then, on the night of the 25th, my mom accused my dad of cheating again. We did the whole song and dance of them screaming at each other and explaining and threatening divorce. It was also 1:30 am when they decided to do this. They woke me up to have this screaming match in my room. This all happened because my mom had a “feeling”. I just hate when this happens. Then the next day, they apologized and cried and I had to sit there and comfort them both. It's exhausting to have to do this every couple of weeks. I don't know how much more I can take. I love them both and whether they like to believe it or not, I've always been the mediator. I don't like being it, but I have to be. It's been my job. On the 18th, the creators of Battle for Dream Island gave us the news that TPOT 20 will be shown in theaters on October 16th. The tickets went live on the 20th. I didn't get any at first but then on the 29th, they told the fandom that new locations would be released the next day. I spent the 30th, the day I was writing this (it's currently the 1st of October but shhhh), checking the website and their YouTube channel. It wasn't until 9:30 pm that the tickets went live and I secured two tickets. The tickets were supposed to go live at 8:00 pm but they got delayed for some reason. So, now I'm taking my uncle to see the new episode in theaters. Never in a million years did I think this would happen. I am so excited!!!! And they put a new location in Texas which happens to be in my hometown!!! Now instead of having to drive past Austin to go, I only have to drive 20 minutes across town to go! I'm so happy!!!! On the 29th, I found out that my dad and I were put on a waiting list for our powerlifting meet and it's a 50/50 chance that we'll get selected. I'm worried but my uncle and trainer reassured me that me and my dad will get into the meet. The meet is really the only thing keeping me going at this point. It's the thing that is making me not go crazy. So, this whole month, I've been on autopilot because Chris is gone. I miss him so much. I can't believe or grasp that he's gone. I know I'm probably acting like he's dead and I know he isn't but it feels like a part of me died when he left. There's this kid named Connor at my jiu jitsu dojo that looks a bit like Chris. He is really skinny, brown hair, brown eyes, and keeps a hair tie on one of his wrists. Chris has dirty blonde hair, brown eyes and also keeps a hair tie on one of his wrists. During sparring, I beat up Connor because I saw it as a way to get some of my emotions out. I feel heartbroken. I hate algebra so much. The problems are so confusing and it takes me a while to grasp the concepts. When I can't solve a problem, I start spiraling and questioning my life and asking myself if it's even worth it in the end. I don't even know at that point. It scares me so much when my brain gets like that. I feel so useless and helpless. My mom has been helping me with my homework. I don't like this because I still think that I should be able to do this myself but I also have to get used to people helping me. It's a process but I'm trying. There's this song called Spoken For by Flavor Foley. I really like it because it talks about how the character feels like they're on autopilot and that they feel like a puppet. I love the sound of this song and its lyrics. It's a great song. Anyways, I'm heartbroken and tired. I can't wait for fall break. I have to pay attention in science class now so bye guys! See you next month.