Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

TK sat in the ambulance going over the stock. His shift was almost over and he couldn’t shake this feeling in his gut, like the world was about to implode. He knew his team had noticed his quiet behaviour but he just couldn’t shake the nerves. The shift hadn’t even gone bad, they had yet to lose anyone, but that didn’t seem to settle him.

“TK, staring at the gauze won’t pack it away.”

He looked up and saw his captain, Tommy, staring at him with kind eyes. She always looked at him from a place of comfort and that was one of his favourite parts about working under her, she made the stress of the job a lot less triggering for him.

“Sorry Cap, must’ve zoned out.” He slid the gauze packet into its compartment and put the checklist beside him. Tommy looked him up and down before stepping into the space of the ambulance herself, closing the doors as much as possible behind her.

“Talk to me TK, what’s eating you?”

They sat in silence for a moment, TK fiddling with his thumbs as he weighed up if and how he can answer his Captain's question. He took a deep breath before looking back at the woman.

“Do you ever feel like you’re due a bad day?”

“All of the time.” She replied as she rubbed his shoulder, “In this job you can never guarantee a good day, you’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Whether that be losing a victim, or making a mistake, or getting hurt yourself. We work against luck TK.”

She gave him a small smile as she spoke, her words sinking into his brain as he heard her.

“So how do you deal with the anxiety of it all?”

“I think about what I get to go home to every day. No matter how bad a day is, I go home to love and to my girls, and you have that love too TK. So when you're thinking a bad day is a bad day, it doesn’t mean it has to end like that. Just think about Carlos, think about the love and warmth you get to go home to no matter what kind of shift you have.”

“Thank you Cap, I rea-”

TK’s words were pierced by the siren, and Tommy hopped out of the ambulance to shift on their gear before heading out. Tommy slid into the driver's seat as TK and Nancy sat in the back.

“We’re responding to a five-car pile up on a bridge. Number of victims is unknown. Your first job is to triage the victims, we need to know who to get to first.”

“Yes Cap.” The two paramedics replied.
The drive was about eight minutes, but eventually they arrived at the scene, and their team was first, and the paramedics ran head first into assessing the victims. The first car TK checked had two women in the front seats who both seemed awake and alert.

“Hey guys, can you tell me your names and about your injuries?”

“M-My name is Rachel a-and my leg is trapped by the wheel, and my n-neck hurts a lot.” the driver said, the shake in her voice prevalent in her words.

“That’s great, can you feel your legs Rachel?”

“Yes, nothing else seems to hurt.”

“That's good. I want you to take this green tag, ok, I need to assess your friend now.”

“I’m Madison, I hit my head on the side of the car when we- when we hit the other car. My stomach hurts too.”

“Ok Rachel, I just want you to look into this light for me, follow it.”

The second victim followed the light as TK assessed her response, he smiled as she seemed to have good neurological function despite the head injury.

“Good Rachel, I’m just going to lift up your shirt now to look at your stomach.”

He unplugged the seat belt carefully and lifted up her top, he could see the bruising from the seat belt and he applied slight pressure. He could feel how she sucked in from the tenderness but it didn’t appear to be internal injuries. He pulled out another green tag and handed it to her.

“You both seem to be in stable conditions, Fire will be here to pull you out and get you to a hospital for further assessment. I have to triage another vehicle, but I wouldn’t worry. If either of you get worse, shout for any attention until you get attention, Rachel, if you want to step out I can sit you in the RA unit but you can also stay with your friend if that’s preferable.”

“I’ll stay.”

“Thank you.” The driver said.

TK stepped out and pulled up his radio.

“The black truck has two green tags, the driver is stuck but she seems to have complete function, the passenger has a superficial head wound but neuro function and superficial bruising, Fire please respond to the driver as soon as possible.”

He ran over to the next vehicle, a blue sedan. He opened the driver's side door.

“Hi sir, can you tell me your name and about your injuries?”

“Micheal, please check on my daughter. She's in the back seat, she’s only eighteen months old.”

“Can you tell me how you’re feeling first at least?”

“I’m a nurse, I only have a superficial arm wound from the window breaking, I have pressure from the seat belt but it’s stuck. I don’t think it’s internal, the pain is minimal, I didn’t hit my head and I can feel everything.”

“Ok, well I’m going to cut you out of your seatbelt, and you’re going to make your way over to one of the two RA units, either the 126 or the 129 will clean that wound for you while I check on your daughter.”

“Amber, her name is Amber. Please, her mother died giving birth. I can't lose her too.”

TK cut the seatbelt and helped the man out of the car, turning him away from the back seats and walking him a few steps away.

“I will do everything in my power, now go get your arm cleaned so I can focus on Amber.”

“O-ok…”

Tk watched the man walk over to one of the vehicles and he made quick work of accessing the back seats. The only issue was the door was stuck.

“I need Fire to the blue sedan, child in the back seats, and the door is jammed.” he spoke into his radio, he looked up and saw Paul running over with the jaws.

“You need to get this kid out asap man, the minivan is flaming and we need everyone out before it blows up.”

“You got it.”

Paul jammed the jaws into the door and popped it open, he nodded to TK before running over to another vehicle to help out others. He looked into the car seat, the empty car seat. He looked down and saw the baby on the floor.

“Need a gurney over to the blue sedan, unconscious victim, eighteen months old.”

He rolled Amber over gently and checked for a rise of her chest. He listened but got no respiratory response. He checked her pulse.
“Hey Amber, c’mon, your Dad is waiting to hold you girl.”

No pulse. TK felt his world start to spin as Nancy ran over with the gurney.

“TK get her on here.” She shouted, knocking him out of his daze. He scooped her up and placed her on the gurney.

“R-rescue breaths, she needs-”

“I got it, start CPR TK.”

TK began CPR, he was fighting the shakes in his body, he was yet to lose a child on a call and he intended to keep it that way.

“C’mon Amber, open those eyes girl, C’mon.”

She still wasn’t responding, but he couldn’t stop. The world went quiet around him; he couldn't notice anything else but his hands on the baby girl. How long had it been? She needs to wake up, she's a baby.

“TK” That was Nancy

“TK” Was that Tommy?

“Tyler” Dad?

“She’s gone kid, c’mon” Judd?

He felt arms pulling him away from the gurney.

“No, I can save her! I can!” He thrashed in the arms that were holding him back as he watched his Captain stop the respiration. He looked up and saw the dad running over.

“No, no, no. Please don’t stop.” He was crying, he had lost his daughter because TK couldn’t save her.

“I’m sorry sir, your daughter didn’t make it.”

TK watched as his captain comforted the dad and ushered him into their vehicle. He felt himself being ushered off the scene before he could stop it.

The ride to the hospital was filled with the cries of the father, TK’s mind was drowning in the cries. The ride back to the station, however? Dead silence. TK didn’t know which was worse.

By the time they arrived back, his shift was over. He didn’t even bother changing or showering before grabbing his belongings and getting in his car. He heard his dad try to talk to him but he just wanted to go home and cry into his boyfriend.

He pulled into his driveway and sat there for a moment.

“You don’t need to be high right now, Carlos will make you feel better.”

He repeated the statement a countless number of times, but it didn’t stop the tingle of want coursing over his skin. He got out of the car and walked into their loft.

“Hey baby.” Carlos said from the kitchen space. TK walked in and pulled him in for a silent hug. He felt the tears start to spring into his eyes.

“Want to talk about it?” Carlos asked, holding his head into his chest.

“I lost a baby today. I found her, she had no pulse and she wasn’t breathing. I couldn’t bring her back.”

“That wasn’t your fault Tyler, you know the statistics on people coming back from on site CPR.”

TK pulled away and looked at his boyfriend with anger on his face.

“It doesn’t matter Carlos. I couldn’t save her!” He shouted, brushing his hands through his hair and he seethed and stepped away further.

“It happens, baby I know you’re hurting but it wasn’t your fault.” Carlos tried reaching out but TK pushed him away.

“God, you don’t get it!”

“Of course I do, I’m a police officer.” Carlos retorted.

“Then why aren’t you blaming me?” TK was shouting now and Carlos was getting upset himself.

"I'm the reason a man has lost his everything." He could tell he was crying hard now but he didn't care.

“Because it’s not your fault!” He shouted back. Carlos tried reaching out to TK once more, he hated to see the love of his life in pain, but TK just moved further back.

“Yes. It. Is.”

Carlos sighed and wiped a hand over his face. TK could tell he was also getting angry. They had barely spent anytime together in four weeks due to shifts and TK could see the effort Carlos had put into their few hours together before he had to go for the night shift. “I can’t be here and argue with you, I don’t want this to break us. I’m going to work, I am pulling overtime. Let me know when you’re ready to actually talk TK.” Carlos sighed as he picked up his jacket and uniform bag.

“What happened to never going to work angry because we might not come back?” TK didn’t know why he was pushing for the argument, he just couldn’t help but feel angry.

“I will always try and come back home to you, but that means I need you to be home and happy.”

TK watched as the door closed behind his boyfriend. Deafening silence filled the apartment. He sat there absorbing the loneliness that was creeping into his head. He knew that Carlos kept a bottle of wine in the cabinet. He stood up and reached for it.

Chapter Text

He didn’t know what time of day it was when the door opened once again to reveal his boyfriend walking back into the loft. His eyes didn’t move from the bottle of wine he had been staring at. It wasn’t the type of high he wanted, but it could settle the urges. TK knew that this train of thought was dangerous, he knew it would be one slip in a slope of bad decisions and choices that could ruin his life. He didn’t want to ruin his life, but why couldn’t he have a glass of wine to take the edge off, just like everyone else he knew. Why did he have to sit with his harrowing thoughts and feelings? He could just about hear the shuffling movements the man was making behind him, he knew Carlos had just gotten in, but he couldn’t bring himself to move.

“Tiger?” Carlos whispered. When did he kneel in front of him?
“TK, Baby. Look at me.”

TK looked up from the wine and stared into the comforting eyes of his lover. He watched as the source of so much of his comfort was displaying a mask of worry and fear.

“I didn’t have a drink.” He breathed out eventually, “Doesn’t mean I don’t want to.”

“I’m proud that you didn’t have any of it Baby.” Carlos was beside him now, pulling him into an embrace. TK didn’t notice he was shaking until he was against the steady rise and fall of his boyfriend’s chest.

“I’m sorry I pushed you away last night Carlos.” TK pushed himself up so he was looking at Carlo’s face once again. He couldn’t make out all the emotions and thoughts he was having but he was ok with that for the moment.

“I know you are, I’m sorry I walked out too. I just don’t want us to spend the little time we are getting at the moment, arguing. We should cherish our time together Baby.” Carlos was stroking the side of his face, a small smile gracing his lips as they sat in silence for a moment.

“You have a day off today, yeah?”

“Yeah, I have a 24-hour day tomorrow.” He was glad he didn’t have to go to work feeling like this, but he wouldn’t mind the busy distraction of his job to keep his mind off his addiction.

“Would you like to go to a meeting today? If not you could contact Cooper.” Carlos was whispering his words in a delicate hush to avoid stressing out TK, he knew the situation was fragile and he didn’t want the man to feel pressured by Carlos’ worry.

“I’m not sure I want to be around anyone but you right now.” TK mumbled into Carlos hand as his thumb continued to lightly graze the skin of his cheek.

“Ok, then we will get into bed, sleep and order some food. We will soak up all the love we haven't had the time to give each other, and when you’re ready I can take you to a meeting. Sound good?”
“Have I told you how lucky I am to have you in my life Carlos?” TK smiled, a smile fighting its way onto his face.

“Yes, but I am just as lucky to have you.”

TK leaned forward and placed a delicate kiss onto Carlo’s lips before resting his forehead against his. Their moment after was filled with silence as they engulfed themselves to the close proximity of one another they hadn’t had a proper moment to appreciate in what felt like a lifetime. Carlos was the one to break the distance this time, his hand snaking from the side of TK’s face to his neck and their lips gently reconnected. The kiss was slow and gentle, saying all the words they didn’t know how to say out loud at that moment. The apologies, the ‘I miss you’, the ‘I never want to be without you’ and so much more. Carlos pulled away and stood, reaching his hand out.

“Let me love you baby,” He whispered. TK took his hand and stood following behind the man he loved into their bedroom. He closed the door behind them as Carlos turned around to face TK once again. He felt Carlos’ hands trailing slowly up and down his sides, halting at the hem of his t-shirt.

“We can get into bed and just cuddle if you want,” He mumbled as he looked down at TK.

“I want to feel you Babe, you’re my safe place, my home. I want to feel at home.”

Carlos tucked his fingers under the material at last and gently tugged it over TK’s head before removing his own. His fingers traced over the lining of TK’s muscle, his eyes scanning over the inches of skin he was memorising with his touch.

“What are you doing?” TK chuckled

“Appreciating you.”

Carlos turned them around and walked them back until TK met the end of their bed. He felt the man lower his body onto the mattress, yet he remained hovering above, looking up and down at TK, like he was studying for an exam he just had to pass.

“Carlos, I love you.” TK whispered. His words seemed to trigger something in Carlos and he moved down and hooked his fingers into the waistband of TK’s shorts and boxers, slowly inching them down as he kissed the skin of his legs. Eventually the fabric was pulled past his feet and hit the floor. Carlos continued to worship the skin on TK’s body. He made his way back up to TK’s face and planted a small kiss on his forehead.

“How do you want to do this?” Carlos whispered as he took a hand to run it through his hair.

“I want to see you, to feel you, to love you.”
“I’m gonna love you for the rest of our lives, in and out of this bedroom. I have a ring to prove it.” Carlos Chuckled as he moved to fish the lube out of the nightstand.

TK didn’t get much time to reply as Carlos dipped down to his cock, not quite fully hard but it was getting there. Carlos licked a long and slow strip up to the tip before taking just the tip in his mouth and giving it a small suck. TK felt his body give a small shudder as his head bobbed slightly, his words getting caught in his throat. He heard the lube cap pop but couldn’t bring himself to look as Carlos kept teasing his tip to get him erect. He was being sensual, the movements longer, with more focus. Before he could even fathom, a single finger was breaching the gap of his ass, circling a loving tease of what was to come and TK felt his hips buckle into the touch.

“Relax, Baby. We don’t need to rush this. I got you.” Carlos whispered, coming back up to eye level to give his husband a long kiss before pulling back again. TK was painfully hard now as Carlos’s mouth went back to teasing him. He knew, after all these years, what buttons to push to get the reaction he wanted without ending it all far too quickly.

Finally, TK thought, when Carlos finally pushed the digit inside. It felt like too much and not enough all at the same time. He felt his body relaxing into the touch as Carlos kissed around his abdomen. He felt Carlos move his finger inside, reaching his prostate bit not touching the bundle of nerves he was craving him too.

“Carlos, Babe, please.” TK whimpered.

“I know Baby, do you trust me?”

“Always.”

Carlos smiled and let his finger ghost TK’s prostate. TK let out a soft cry as the touch left and quickly as it came. He could feel himself leaking onto his stomach, pain from the need to release searing through his body. He looked down and saw Carlos palming himself through his jeans, a slow buck into his own hand as he pushed TK further into desperation. The sight made TK shudder, a low moan moving past his lips and Carlos once again ghosted past with his finger.

“God, Tyler, look at you. Such a pretty boy.” Carlos said as he lubed up a second finger. He didn’t hesitate before slipping it in alongside the first, spreading them apart to open TK up for the final event. TK was shaking with anticipation, and he still had more to go. Carlos curled against his prostate and TK let out a wounded cry. In response Carlos took his tongue back to the head of his husband's cock, swirling around the tip. TK could feel himself bucking into the touch, but Carlos moved back in sync, leaving TK chasing for more. He didn’t even feel Carlos slip in the third finger until he felt them move inside him. He was rolling his hips in hope for more but it was like a never ending race. TK could feel the tears slipping down his face.

“Carlos, I can’t, please…”

“I know Tiger, just a few more moments, I don’t want to hurt you.”

Carlos whispered sweet praises into his skin and he finished opening TK up. He felt like the words were leaving burns on his skin, leaving him itching for more. Carlos slowly pulled his fingers out and TK bucked and whimpered at the sudden retraction. He heard the snap of Carlos’s belt and thud of his jeans hitting the floor. The end of the bed dipped with Carlos’ weight and TK watched as he lathered the lube over himself. In a fluid motion one of Carlo’ arms came to rest beside TK’s head, the other lining them up together. The pressure began and TK felt more tears springing from his eyes as Carlos watched his face.

“You’re so good Baby, you’re being so so good. I love you.” Carlos’ mantra was the only thing keeping TK sane as the welcomed intrusion took over all of his senses. He felt Carlos bottom out and the man brought his other arm up towards TK’s head. TK moved his hands up and Carlos grasped them.

“I. Love. You.” Carlos whispered before moving out, not fully but enough, and slowly pushing himself back in. TK sighed and relaxed into the movement. Carlos adjusted himself and moved again, hitting TK’s favourite spot. His body shuddered and the light force and he felt his dick jump against him at the movement. Carlos brought their lips together and they fell into a smooth rhythm.

Neither man could say how long they said like it, engulfing themselves in the love eachother were expressing, even though just being tangled with each other, the intimacy of the situation said everything they needed it too.

“I- I need to-” TK gasped out as Carlos kept stroking his prostate with his thrusts.

“I know, me too Baby. Come with me.” Carlos whispered before leaving light kisses on TK’s shoulder. TK clenched around Carlos with one more stroke to his prostate and he felt himself spilling onto both their stomachs. Carlos wasn’t far behind, finishing as TK gave one final squeeze as his orgasm ended.

“You did so good Baby,” Carlos whispered as he let himself relax onto his lover.

“Thank you, I love you.” TK replied, feeling like he could breathe again.

“How about I run us a bath, we order some Chinese and we stay here for the rest of the day?” Carlos suggested wiping the tear stains from TK’s face.

“That sounds perfect.”

Chapter Text

TK chose not to tell his father about the ‘almost slip’ he had. It seemed silly to worry over something that didn’t actually happen. Plus he’s a grown man, he can handle a few bad days without running to his father. Plus, he was back on shift and he felt ok, he felt good. He spent the day with his husband, being loved, sleeping, eating and rinse and repeat. It was like the space they had been forced to take due to work no longer mattered. They were healthy, Carlos had finally found his dad’s killer, neither of them had been in hospital since Carlos got shot. They were 100% ok, TK had no reason to feel otherwise.

It had been a Q-word day so far, no calls whatsoever. TK was grateful for days like this, however they did make the shift drag on. He was reading in the bunks when he saw Judd plop down on the bed next to him.

“You feeling ok Kid?” Judd asked, slipping his shoes off to get more comfortable.

“Yeah, me and Carlos had a full day off together. We hadn't seen each other for more than a few hours a time in months, and most of that time was spent sleeping.” TK explained, closing his book and sitting up more to talk to his friend.

“I had a bad gut feeling after you went home on the call the other day, I’m glad I was wrong.” Judd smiled and TK felt a warm breeze encase his body at the care.

“How’s Grace and Charlie?” 

“Well Grace is ecstatic almost all the time at the moment, Charlie’s doing a lot of new things recently. Last night she read us her bedtime story. I could only understand half of it, she’s still learning ro pronounce words, but I was thrilled.” TK studied the smile on Judd’s face, pure amazement and love.

“It’s three years for you in a few days ain’t it?” Judd asked and TK felt a low tremble in his stomach, he forgot that himself.

“Y-yeah, how did you remember?”

“Don’t tell Carlos I snitched but he’s got you a present. Plus I care about you Kid. I can’t imagine the anniversaries make it easier to stay sober.”

“No, it doesn’t. But I have more reasons than I can count to stay sober, so one reason not too doesn’t counter it. Obviously I’d prefer the anniversary to be longer but Sadie put a dent in that one.”

Judd looked down at his hands and sighed, he obviously forgot about that fiasco.
“That wasn’t your fault TK. But look, your Dad is worried your head won’t be in the game, I heard him talking to Tommy about it. I’m saying this because I care. Prove him wrong.” With that, Judd slipped his shoes back on and left the room. 
TK played with his thumbs before pulling out his phone. He hovered over Cooper’s contact before scrolling back up to Carlos.

TK: Hey Babe
16:37

Carlos: Hey Baby, how’s the shift?
16:41

TK: Q-word. How’s bed? 🙁
16:42

Carlos: Comfy. Jealous?
16:42

TK: Jealous of the bed 
16:43

Carlos: Why?
16:44

TK: Cause you’re in the bed and not in me ;)
16:44

Carlos: If you were here I would be in you
16:45

TK: Oh yeah? How would you have me?
16:46

Carlos: I’d have you bent over the kitchen counter. Wouldn’t even touch you until you begged me too, I’d be prepping dinner while you lied there, rutting into the counter with a vibrator inside you.
16:47

TK:.. you’ve been thinking about this all day haven't you?
16:48

TK would be lying if he said the thought of what Carlos just said didn’t have his trousers feeling a size smaller and the room feeling twice as hot. God, this shift needed to be over as soon as possible.

Carlos: What else is there to be thinking about other than my sexy paramedic husband?
16:49

TK: Well I prefer to think about my hot Texas Ranger husband
TK: What you wearing?
16:50

Carlos: Nothing
16:50

TK: Have you been touching yourself?
16:51

Carlos: Since the moment you messaged.
Carlos: But you won’t be getting anymore from me until you’re off shift. Nice try though xx
16:52

TK: You tease.
16:53

Carlos: You love me anyway.
16:53

TK: Damn right. I’ll message you later xx
16:54

TK slipped his phone back into his pocket with a cocky smile on his face before looking up and seeing Marjan leaning into the doorframe with a smirk.

“Are we going to pretend you weren’t clearly sexting your husband on the clock?” She snickered from across the room.

“H-how could you tell?”

“You were squirming and blushing, I was one movement away from walking away and filing a HR complaint.” She laughed before motioning for TK to get up.

“Paul’s cooking, come down and see everyone. I only knew you were even up here cause Judd mentioned it.”

“I honestly didn’t know I had been up here so long till I messaged Carlos. Tommy is probably so annoyed at me.” TK groaned, standing up and straightening his uniform.

“She’s not, her and Nany have been playing an intense card game for the last hour, your chores were done ages ago. So has everyone else’s to be honest. Now come and have fun, we miss you Tyler.”

“You don’t have Tyler privileges,” TK snickered as he walked over.

“Oh right, bet Carlos was texting it to you though, you scandalous boy.”

“O-o-ok it’s like that, yeah?”

They laughed as they made their way down to the kitchen space. Paul had Mateo at work chopping vegetables for the food and had Judd watching to make sure he did it right. Nancy and Tommy were playing cards just like Marjan and had said they were and Owen was simply conversing with the men around the kitchen counter.

“TK! Now you’re here you can take over Mateo watch.” Judd said, patting Mateo on the shoulder before pulling out his phone and walking a few steps away, presumably to call his wife.

“Does he really need to be watched to cut up onions?” TK asked, sliding between Paul and Mateo.

“No, they just don’t trust me.” Mateo sneered, pushing an extra aggressive cut through the vegetable.

“That’s because last time you did it unsupervised they were uneven and didn’t cook like they should.” Paul spat back, motioning for TK to keep his eyes on the other firefighter.

“I brought TK down from hibernation so he could have fun with us, not be stuck on vegetable watch.” Marjan pouted and nudged Owen.

“She’s right, you two are on kitchen duty not anyone else.” Owen smiled, patting the seat next to him for TK to take instead of standing at the counter. 

“Thanks Dad.”

Before anymore could be said, the bell rang and everyone took the food off the stoves before hopping in their units. TK hopped in the back of the RA while the girls slid in the front.

“Cap, do we know anything?” TK asked through his radio.

“Possible suicide attempt. Latino male, mid to late twenties. Threatening to jump off a balcony. We’ll be on stand-by incase fire can’t break in or police can’t talk him down.”

They pulled up to the scene and TK stepped out of the ambulance, looking up at the balcony. Tommy walked over to the police officers on the scene while he and Nancy brought the life packs out just in case.

“Guys, over here.” 
Nany and TK jogged over to the officer and their captain, being shown a phone recording.

“I’m officer Hudson. This is surveillance from the hotel balcony. He seems to have lacerations on his forearm, we are unsure if it’s self-inflicted but they’ll need to be assessed regardless of what happens. We’ve tried calling him, so has the hotel staff but no answer. Fire is going to attempt to make contact but their presence might scare him. They’ve been instructed to set up a fall pad, but from that height it might not be as effective as we hope. Be ready.”

TK’s mind blurred out the rest of the conversation as he finally looked at the man on the camera. Micheal. Amber’s dad. The widow who lost his daughter because |TK wasn’t fast enough.

“Wait!” He shouted and he saw his Dad and Judd stop at the hotel entrance and turn to him.

“TK?” Nancy said, grabbing his arm and steadying him, he didn’t even realise he looked dazed.

“Can I try to make contact?” He asked.

“How do you plan on doing that?” Hudson asked, an unamused look on his face.

“Look you have Chavez going up the ladder, Captain and Ryder going into the building and Marwani setting up the fall pad alone, with Chavez they could have done it in half the time. I know him, I watched his daughter die. I can go up the ladder, I’m a certified firefighter and I'm cleared for it.” TK realised he was pleading at this point but he had to do something, he knew why the man had gotten to this point.

“Captain Strand, it’s your call.” Huden shouted.

TK looked at his Dad, who stared back in concern before taking a breath and nodding, signalling a thumbs up. Mateo threw him a helmet and helped him secure himself before going over to help Marjan. It had been a while since TK had touched this ladder, but it came back to him like it was natural.

“Micheal. Hey, I know I’m likely the last person you want to see but can you open your eyes and look at me.” TK said, his voice quivering slightly.

He watched as Micheal opened his eyes and looked at him, a single tear falling from eye contact.

“You’re the paramedic who saved me.” He cried, his body swaying slightly. TK reached his arm out to steady him as much as he could reach.

“Yeah, I am. I’m so sorry about Amber, and I’m sorry you lost your wife, but Micheal, they would want you to live.”

“How can I live when both pieces of my heart were torn from me? How can I do that?”

“You can. Even on your worst day you have something to live for. Live for your wife, who would want you to be happy, who would want that heart to beat until it can’t anymore. Live for Amber, make the memories you wish she could have made herself.”

“How can you even say that? You have no clue how I feel?” Micheal spat, swatting TK’s hand away.

“I haven’t lost the love of my life, nor a child. I’ve only lost my mother, and after her I had a lot of bad days, almost giving up my sobriety over it. I almost had another slip the day I lost your daughter. I have had to learn to live through my toughest days, because for every bad day there’s going to be a good one. I promise. I know it's hard now, I know it seems impossible, but their lives are still here as long as you remember them.”

TK heard a loud bang and saw his dad and Judd at the door, he held his hand up for them to wait a moment.

“You didn’t lose my daughter, I watched you fight for her. It doesn’t make it hurt less though.”

“I know it doesn’t, but I bet Amber loved your laugh, and I bet your wife fell in love with your smile. So come down, come down so you can smile, and you can laugh, and you can make them happy even if you can’t see how happy they are yet.”

“O-ok.” He stuttered. Owen and Judd ran over and secured his arms. TK sighed before making his way back down the ladder. He heard a round of applause and he shook his head. He hadn’t done anything special, he just did his job.

“That was amazing TK!” Nancy said, hugging him tightly. He watched as his Dad walked out with Micheal in tow, Judd not far behind them, walking over to the officers to give a statement about the situation. 

Just before TK could feel good about his day he watched as Micheal grabbed the gun from Hudson’s holster and shot himself clean in the head.

Chapter Text

TK couldn’t recall what happened between the gunshot and arriving back at the station. All he knew was one minute his heart sank and the next he was trekking out of the RA unit, ready to just lie down.

“Tyler…”

TK looked up and saw Carlos waiting at the dining space, getting up to walk over and wrap his arms around the man.
“Your Dad called me, are you ok?”

TK moved into the touch, allowing Carlos to stroke his hair.
“I lost a family, an entire household in less than a week. Two people, a father and daughter.”

“I know, but you did your job perfectly, I don’t even need to see you work to know that,” Carlos whispered, tightening his hold on TK and he felt his body rack itself with trembles.
“Breathe Baby, you’re ok.”

They stood there for countless minutes, just allowing TK to gain composure and relax. When he eventually did, he pulled away, his puffy eyes staring up at his husband.

“Thank you for coming to check in.” He whispered, planting a hand on the side of Carlos’ face.

“Never thank me for making sure you’re ok, I love you, remember?”

“I love you too.”

“TK, come to my office, you too Carlos,” Owen said from the stairs. The two men exchanged a look before making their way up to TK’s father.

Once the door was closed, Owen motioned for them to sit down.
“Why was today the first I’m hearing about your ‘slip in sobriety’, and why was it on a call and not to me personally?”

TK could feel the anger in his Dad’s voice and he felt himself sink into the chair, the only thing steadying him was Carlos’ grip on his thigh.

“I didn’t want to worry you, Dad, I handled it, I didn’t drink or take anything. Carlos came home, saw me with a bottle of wine and we talked about it.” TK explained and he saw his Dad’s shoulders relax slightly.

“You told me you told Owen,” Carlos spoke up after a moment and Owen’s eyes snapped open again.

“You lied? You wanted to drink and then lied to your husband! Did you lie about actually drinking?” Owen shouted and TK flinched.

“No, I didn’t drink. I didn’t mean to lie, we decided I would tell you, and then I decided it wasn’t worth it, I just forgot to mention it to Carlos, which I’m sorry about." He turned to his Husband as he said the last part and received a reassuring smile and a slight rub of his thumb on his thigh for comfort.

Owen pinched the bridge of his nose, taking in a few deep breaths before turning back to the two men.

“Your head has been out of the game a while, TK, first not letting a patient go on scene, you risking your sobriety and then making this call personal. Despite the fact your plan worked today, it was reckless.”

“It didn’t work Dad, he died anyway.” TK spat back, cutting off his Dad.

“This is exactly what I mean, you’re making it about your feelings, your plan got him off of the balcony, anything after that was out of your hands. Your head isn’t clear at the moment, Son.”

“What are you trying to say, Owen?” Carols asked, sitting up more in his seat.

“TK you’re no longer cleared for field duty until Captain Vega and I agree it’s ok for you to resume.”

“That’s not your call, it’s Tommy’s!” TK felt his body bubbling over with anger towards his father.

“She agrees, and it is MY firehouse TK. Go finish your chores and go home. Your light duty will begin on Monday, you are not to work until then. You’ll be required to provide evidence of mental health support if you deny treatment from the AFD department. You’re free to go.”

TK took no time in leaving his Father’s office. He could hear Carlos’ footsteps not far behind him. He felt his arm being tugged back as he reached the bunk room.

“Baby, it’ll be ok,” Carlos said, sitting down on a bed and patting the spot for his partner, who didn’t take it, opting to pace in front of the man.

“I’ve basically been demoted for having a bad week, how is it ok? Plus it’s Thursday and I’ve been told I can’t work till Monday. I’ll miss two shifts, one being a 24-hour.” TK was breathing harshly as he paced, clearly antsy with the stress.

“It’s not a demotion, and you haven’t been fired or suspended. It’s a Captain’s job to make sure their team is ok to risk their lives and to save lives.” Carlos explained, grasping TK’s hand from the bed to stop him from walking a hole into the floor.

“So you agree?” Tk asked, his tone coming off more and more aggressive with each word.

“No, I don’t, but I also don’t understand what it’s like to be a fire captain. Procedures are different in the APD and the Rangers. A bad day just means switching to desk duty to solve a case or do paperwork instead of being out in the field. Your job requires you to be there unless you’re the man behind, which is what you’ll be for a while.” Carlos was rubbing TK’s hands as he spoke with a gentle tone.

“I’m sorry I’ve been such a wreck recently. I don’t want to put this all on you.” Tk said, finally sitting down next to his husband.

“For better or for worse TK, we vowed ourselves on that. I’ll be here for every bad day, bad week, bad year.” Carlos placed a kiss on top of his head. “Go finish your chores, I’ll go back and prepare us some dinner. It’ll be ready after you’re done and showered.”

“You’ve got a shift tomorrow, yeah?”

“Yeah, staking out this apartment block for a case I’m working on. I can’t say if I'll be home before you’re asleep.”

“Ok, that’s fine. It'll be about an hour before I’m home, maybe slightly more.” TK kissed his Husband, who made his way out of the bunk rooms to make his exit.

“You got this TK, you’ll be fine.”

—

“We can cuddle for five more minutes, Carlos.” TK groaned as the third alarm of the morning went off.

“I can’t be late Baby, this case is time sensitive. Rangers have been working on it non-stop.” Carlos said, finally pulling himself from the sheets.

“I’m so happy you’ll be saving lives and giving people justice and closure, however, leaving me to do the grocery shop alone is evil Ranger Reyes,” TK smirked as he sat up against the cushions, watching his husband change into his uniform.

“The vegetables won’t attack you, the chicken won’t kill you. It’s a completely safe venture.” Carlos chuckled, placing a kiss on his husband's forehead.
“I’ll message when I can, I love you.”

“I love you, stay safe and come back to me.”

Carlos smiled, not saying anything. They were both smarter than to make the promise to come back, but it didn’t stop either of them saying it when the other walked out of the door. When they are both on shift, it’s easier to forget the worry about them not coming home because they are thinking about being able to make it home to the other. However, when it’s just one on shift, the worry is all at the forefront of their mind.

TK got up and got changed before making his way to the store. Carlos wrote him a list last night, not completely trusting TK to know exactly what to get. They jokingly bickered about it for at least an hour, which was more Carlos insulting his husband's cooking skills and TK swatting him with a couch cushion in retaliation.

He was casually strolling the produce aisle, how hard was it to find an avocado? He thought as he scanned the endless section of greens.

“Hey, can you grab me the celery? It’s just out of my reach.” A young woman said from beside him. He smiled and compiled. He's never really thought about that before, the fact that these shelves, standing probably 5”6 or 5”7, could really be a nuisance to people who are, say, 5”4 or below. The thought made him chuckle to himself slightly as he finally saw the avocados and placed one in his trolley.

He finally made his way over to the register with all the groceries and began the ever so mundane activity of wincing at the price every time the poor cashier scanned something. She was scanning the toothpaste when TK heard a deafening crash from outside. He turned and saw a car skidding across the floor on its roof.

Without even taking a second to think, TK was screaming to call 9-1-1 as he was running outside, abandoning his jacket in the doorway before scanning the area. Two cars in collision, one upright, the driver getting out of the car. TK ran over.

“Sir, I’m an off duty paramedic, are you symptomatic?” He breathed out frantically.

“No, no. My airbags didn’t even deploy, faulty car. I mostly shook around in my seat after the car hit me.” The man was old, maybe around the early sixties. TK told him to go inside and ask for a rundown of the situation from the cashier that called 9-1-1 before running over to the other car.
There was black smoke and oil leaking from the back, it would spark a fire and maybe an explosion too. There were people crowding around the car and TK felt lost, he took a deep breath before jumping into action.

“Everyone inside now! This car could park any minute and you will get hurt.” He shouted. Everyone suddenly had little to no interest in the car crash and were all running inside like lost dogs. He knelt down to the driver’s side of the car. The driver was awake and alert, the passenger, however, was not, their blood dripping onto the ceiling of the car from her head. He knocked on the window to get the driver’s attention, they jumped but nodded their heads. TK yanked on the door handle a few times before it finally popped open.
“I want to do a full rundown on your injuries but your car is a ticking time bomb ok, so I’m going to get you both out very carefully first, ok?”

“O-ok, please hurry.”

TK fished around his pocket for the pocket knife he knew he carried before slicing the seatbelt open, he wasn’t about to waste any time trying the actual buckle, it was already a miracle the door opened after the damage the car sustained. Once he had done that, he helped the driver slide out of the car, standing her against the vehicle.

“Can you walk?” He asked her.

“Yes, it’s my arm that hurts to move, and my eyes are really fuzzy.” The driver explained.

“Ok, what I want you to do is go inside, find the cashier who I sent the other driver to, and explain your injuries to them, if any symptoms change at all, you tell them, if you're getting tired, tell them. Also tell them to run me out some of the bandages and gauze from the medical aisle.”

She nodded before making her way from the vehicle. TK ran around the other side of the car and tried the door a few times. Just as he suspected, his luck ran out. He made his way back to the driver’s side before cutting through the seatbelt. He heard it before he felt it. The noise of fire cackling, then on the skin between his shirt and jeans he felt the heat. He grabbed her gently, sliding her out slowly. The angle the wound is at, he can’t rule out spinal injury, and this process is already risking damage, but he can limit it by being careful. When she was finally on the floor, he looked up and saw a worker running out with gauze.

“Where is 9-1-1?” He asked frantically, taking the gauze and tearing it open.

“They said it’d be another few minutes, there was a massive road block due to a structure fire this morning,” he explained.

“Do you sell ironing boards?”

“Y-yes, why?”

“I need her moved before this car goes up in an explosion. Run and grab me one, and something I can tie her with, like YOUR life depends on it, because hers does.”

The worker nodded before turning and running inside at full speed. TK smirked before standing. He staggered back as the flames grew bigger, his arm being grazed. He cursed as he watched the skin burning from the fire. The worker came back out with someone else, and the ironing board.

“I’m gonna place her on it and tie her to it so she doesn’t slide, then steadily you two are going to get her inside, fast but careful. I burnt my arm so I may drop her now.” The workers nodded as TK slid her onto the board and tied her wrists and ankles. He could hear the sirens now and he smiled. Just in time to put out the fire. They picked her up carefully before moving her. TK took a breath again and shook his head before starting to follow.

He heard it again before he felt it, the eruption. Then, suddenly, he was hitting the floor.

Chapter Text

Carlos paced the waiting room of the hospital. He had barely been on shift for two hours and he’d have to go back out as soon as he got the all-clear about TK. He was sure he was walking holes into the floor but he couldn’t care, not when his husband could be paralysed. A fucking side mirror, that blew off the car, right into his spine. They said after his scan they’d know more about any possible injuries, and they’d know his condition fully once he woke.

“He’ll be fine son,” Owen said from the chairs of the waiting room. The rest of the 126 had to stay and clean up the scene from the car wreck. How does he attract danger, even from a trip to the store?

“He’ll never recover if he can’t walk. He’ll never recover mentally.” Carlos repeated the points a few more times before he felt a hand grab his.

“He’ll be ok if you’re by his side, and you will be, right?”

“Of course I will be, he could be bed-bound for the rest of our lives and I’d love and care for him every second through that.” Carlos was annoyed by the question, more so now because it could actually be a possibility. TK’s sobriety is already hanging on by a thread, he can’t handle this too.

“I wasn’t trying to imply anything Son,” Own bit back, sensing Carlos’ tone.

“He would have been fine today if he was dealing with patients in burning buildings, now he’s hurt,” Carlos argued, sitting on a chair across from Owen.

“There is a genuine reason he needed a few days' breaks, you know that Carlos.”

“Tyler Strand’s family?” A nurse called out. Carlos jumped out of his seat and stumbled over to the man holding TK's future on a chart.

“His spinal scan came back normal, and so did his head CT. We have no doubt he’ll make a full recovery, and there are little to no injuries. We did have to stitch a head lac and we will keep him overnight to monitor his motor function just to be on the safe side. He’ll need a few days to rest, serious rest, as there is severe burning and bruising on his back, he will be in severe pain and the more he moves, the longer that will be. He should be able to return to full duty within two to three weeks depending on how responsible he is.”

Carlos felt a weight being lifted off his chest, off his mind. TK would be ok.
“Can I see him, I have to go back on shift as soon as possible, but I can’t leave without speaking to him.”

“Yes, of course, he was waking up as he was being wheeled back into his room so he should be more talkative now.”

Carlos walked into TK’s room and saw him demolishing a lime Jell-O. He chuckled before sliding the door open.

“Hey Tiger, how are you feeling?” Carlos asked as he sat on the chair next to the hospital bed.

“Like I got hit by a car, even though it was only part of the car.” He half smiled and Carlos breathed a sigh.

“God, I’m just going to have to wrap you in bubble wrap aren’t I?”

“Maybe, but I always pull through.”

“Promise me you’re ok?” Carlos’ eyes were slightly wet now and he needed to pull himself together to get back onto this case he was working on.

“Yes, now go, I know they need you back on shift. I’ll still be here when you get off Baby. I love you.” Carlos played a soft kiss on top of TK’s head before walking to the door.

“I love you too. Text me if you need or want anything. Do you want me to send your Dad in?”

“Send him home.” TK spat, looking back down at his half-eaten Jell-O.

“Ok, I love you TK.” Carlos shut the door and shook his head at Owen who was patiently waiting outside.

“I’m sorry Owen.” Carlos did genuinely feel bad, he knew TK was mad but Owen is just as worried about TK’s well being as Carlos is, and he would just want to hug his son.

“It’s alright, he’ll come around, he just needs to wallow in his feelings a bit. Sometimes it’s like he’s still the boy whose life I first walked back into. Stubborn and a bit too reactive emotionally.” Owen chuckled as they walked out to their cars together.

“I’ll try to get him to come around quicker. Have a good rest of your shift Captain Strand.”

“You too, Ranger Reyes.”

—

TK was scrolling his phone casually as he felt the dull ache. The nurse explained that it would increase as the final parts of the anesthetic wore off. He knew the worst was yet to come but hopefully, it’d be manageable.

He was about to try and get a bit more sleep when his phone rang out.

“Ah, the pretty boy answers!” Judd said and TK held the phone to his ear.

“H-hey Judd, how are things at the station?” TK asked in genuine curiosity. He hated not being able to do the thing he was put on this earth to do.

“Q-word since we got back from your call. Gave us all a pretty big scare there Kid. Pretty sure Nancy is plotting how she can keep you safe twenty-four-seven.” Judd laughed out the last part and a small smile made its way to TK’s cheeks.

“I don’t know if that’s possible.” TK laughed back.

“Speaking of, how are you feeling? What’s the news? Your Dad’s not spoken a word, which is why I called. Thought you might’ve kicked it this time Kiddo.”

“I have to rest for a while until my bruising on my spine goes down, but other than that I feel- shit!” TK doubled over in pain. He couldn't explain it but it felt like his spine was on fire, just from a little flinch.

“TK? TK? What’s wrong? Answer me!” Judd was screaming through the phone so loud TK could hear it from the bed where his phone had landed. He took a deep breath and scrambled to reach it.

“T-they said I’d have pain for a bit when I m-move moved. I’m good.” Tk spoke back brokenly, his lungs still trying to fill with air.

“Ok, ok. I’m gonna let the team know you’re good. My screaming has them all crying. Get a nurse to check on you and update me. Got it?”

“Crystal, speak to you later Judd.” TK hung up the phone and pressed the nurse call button. He felt like he couldn’t breathe. A female nurse entered his room and helped him sit more comfortably.

“I can only do so much for your pain with basic pain relief. Other medications would help you much more Mr Strand.” She said as she was checking his IV flow.

“I know, but I’ll pass.” TK groaned out, careful to move his back one inch.

“If you change your mind I’m your nurse for the night shift so I’ll be around.” She left the room and returned with a full cup of water for TK before taking her leave once again.

It was unfair. TK knew it was unfair. Addiction was a disease, not a choice, especially for people who became addicted young. Yet, because of this, more choices get taken away. He can’t take his edge off a tough day with a drink, because if he has a drink he may take other things, other drugs. He can’t take pain meds when he is healing from injuries like other people. TK knew all of this yet no one else understood. They take for granted these things that are so easily integrated into their lives and he’s had to cut them off from his life, forever. He'll never have a first drink with any children he has when they turn off age. He has to sit in pain every time he gets injured on the job. He can’t have a glass of champagne when people want to celebrate or have a few drinks at the bar with his team after a rough shift. He lives his life fully aware of his body and mind all the time with nothing to ever blur that feeling like everyone else. He was an addict, and that one awful period in his life will continue to dictate every thought, decision, and feeling he has until he takes his final breath. It wasn’t fair on him, and it definitely isn’t fair on Carlos. When they said ‘I do’ at the altar, Carlos wasn’t just marrying TK, he was marrying his addiction. He married two entities that day, just one he loved, one he could touch and see. He hadn’t seen the addict buried beneath the skin, itching to come out anytime he had it slightly worse than normal. Every time he thinks about his Mother, he gets hurt, or he loses someone on a call. It never stops. They’ll never get to have a romantic dinner with wine. Carlos has to suffer knowing TK is in pain and he can’t get anything to help him. It’s a cycle that hurts anyone in its path and TK hates it. What’s the worst that could happen if he tried being normal?

What’s the worst that could happen?

Maybe TK should have thought a little bit more about that question before he made the decision he did next. He pressed the nurse call button once again and the same nurse had seen before popped her head in and smiled.

“Feeling ok Mr Strand?”

“Yeah, can I actually get some pain meds for my back?” TK asked, he felt a small shiver flow through his arms at the thought but he breathed through.

“Yeah, give me a moment and I’ll get on with it.”

He knew it would either be morphine or fentanyl. It was lower spinal pain, so either would be recommended for treatment, but morphine was more controlled.

The nurse came back in and slid a few pills onto TK’s bedside table. Fentanyl. He knew he’d be watched taking the meds so he gave a weak smile and swallowed the two tablets. The nurse smiled and asked if he could be made more comfortable but he shook his head and sent her away.

He knew it wasn’t normal to be anticipating the effects of the drugs but it was an old habit. He lay back and let the tingly feeling absorb his body. The pressure on his back felt instantly better. So this is how it feels to be normal after being injured?

Yeah, what’s the worst that could happen?